#I wrote this in the car and made myself soooo so sick omg hope it's ok that I added this lol

[userautumn]

Tommy stares down at his phone. If he were a better man he would delete the message and pretend he didn't see it, for both their sakes.

No. That's not right.

If he were a better man, a message like this wouldn't even be necessary. They would be spending the holiday together like they planned, curled up on the sofa like two parentheses watching movies before heading over to the Grant-Nashes for dinner. It's the kind of perfect world fantasy that always used to give him hope when he was a child, lonely and bruised and high off a concoction of drugs he almost hoped would kill him. But he's older now, and that fantasy is still just a fantasy.

He starts to type:

Thank you for teaching me what it felt like to be loved. I'm sorry I wasn't enough.

I miss you and I'm sorry.

Happy Thanksgiving.

He deletes them all and turns his phone off for a handful of seconds before impulsively turning it back on again. He brings up his and Buck's text thread and, before he can think better of it, texts back:

❤️

He doesn't know what it means. Doesn't even know what he wants it to mean, but the thought of not sending anything in response makes him sicker than thought of just sending a stupid fucking emoji.

He waits for a response, nauseous like he was the day after their first failed date, and then decides he's being kind of a teenager about the whole thing. But before he can turn his phone off again, it vibrates in his hand. He hesitates before unlocking his screen, unsure if he even wants to read the message. Is he playing with Buck's feelings by sending him a heart? Is he playing with his own feelings? Buck was just trying to be nice, he might have already moved on (and doesn't that make him dizzy to contemplate), and here Tommy is sending him hearts out of the fucking blue —

He opens the message... and laughs.

🦃❤️🦃😭 🍽️👎🏻

(Translation: What if I was a turkey and you were a turkey and we were two turkeys who were sad and miserable on Thanksgiving)

Tommy's throat tightens as he presses dial on Buck's number, laughter warring with grief warring with fondness. Evan answers on the first ring.

Tommy clears his throat. "You know what I think?"

"Tell me."

"I think..." He takes a deep breath, bracing himself for what he's only just discovered he's going to say. "I think we should call a truce. One day only. You, me, a couple movies, and definitely not talking about our complicated turkey feelings. How does that sound?"

Buck hums. "Sounds good, one on condition."

Tommy freezes. He waits for the rejection and hopes the fear doesn't come across in his voice. "What's that?"

"You help me eat the embarrassing amount of desserts I've made while trying not to call you."

"How many?"

"Including the ones I've given away? About thirty-ish."

There's a lot to unpack there, way too much for one impulsive conversation. Tommy nods even though Buck can't see him.

"Well, hey, you throw in a carrot cake and you have a deal."

"Tommy," Buck says seriously. "I have three carrot cakes."

Tommy grins, despite himself. Warning bells go off in his brain and he ignores every single one of them. "Careful, Buckley, or this truce might end up being more than one night."

"Might not be the worst thing."

Tommy swallows. His grin slides off his face as he looks around his empty home. It looks lifeless and hollow, a cold mausoleum where all his hopes went to die. For the first time since the breakup, he allows himself to remember what his home looked like, what it felt like when it was filled with his boyfriend, when it was filled with love. How safe and warm it was, and how it could feel again.

"No," Tommy says softly, and he swears even across the distance of the phone, he can feel some of that warmth even now. "Might not be the worst thing."

living in a world where buck decides holidays don’t count and texts tommy a sweet and earnest, “even though i wish we had more, i’m thankful for the time we did get together. happy thanksgiving tommy.”

[jjmarieantoinette-blog]

14/3

Physically exhausting, mentally definitely not stable day to sum up but I am going to skip the good parts I felt happy and greater than most of the days today to be honest but now I am alone sitting in my bed, lights off lavender candle on, it’s 23.27 pm and I am drowning in my thoughts again.

I started thinking about what real love is a lot lately. And I am always coming up to the point that I decide, if you care about one’s happiness as much as yours and truly most of the time even more, that’s love. I love mom, dad well that’s obvious but that made me realize one more thing I love him. I mean I L O V E him. This is not the easiest words for someone like me as I am so arrogant and selfish most of the time but yes. 

At the very beginning, there was this guy who I met exactly one year ago. Well, I of course knew him thanks to instagram but we actually talked that day-I do not exactly remember as I was drunk but that was what I told- So, the med day has also a different importance for me as I met my first -and I really hope to be the last- love. I totally remember waking up at 15th and he replied to one of the stupid stories I posted like ‘God why am I there’ I was like ‘Seriously what is he doing there’ and don’t remember my exact reply but I definitely didn’t think things were going to end up like this. I guess that’s the miracle of life lol.

About 2(?) months later, I -again- remember my exact feelings. I felt alone literally all the time, and seriously thought that I will never ever have real feelings for someone and I am always getting sick and tired and I will never settle on and have a nice life with the guy I love and be happy. Yeah those stuff were soooo far away from me and I always thought that I can spend my time now like that but I’ll never truly be happy. Anyway when I felt like that I always had the exact same routine. Binge eating, purging, crying to the bones of myself, facewash, cry again A LOT, calm down, listen to some Chopin optionally op9.2, and read Little Prince in French as I was taking the course. Oh my God little prince thank you for not only being the best book ever but somehow you made me meet him. I posted some French quotes. I remember it being about how you can not see the true love with eyes but only with heart. (So cute isn’t it?) And he wrote something and I was like ‘Wow so you know to speak French’ and the answer was typical him thinking about it now ‘well, nope’

The night you get to know each other, can not sleep because the conversation is going so well and you are having nice time thinking seriously how he is like that?. Yes, today marking almost 10 months inside the relationship, I truly can say that that was one of our best talks. You weren’t icecold as I though. Who can say that typical instagram dm flirting would make us come along all this path?

First date, you drinking black coffee, me thinking you’re hot. I was able to talk for hours without checking my phone. 

2nd, starbucks, deciding seeing Avengers, me destroying my car fuck me.

Eymir, bike riding, me taking your photos, you talking about your life and getting scared of a fucking tiny water snail thing lol.

Beytepe, sitting on bare grass, I love how you made me listen your spotify playlists and we just sat there. first kiss, heartbeats super fast. We also made out for a couple of times in the car there i guess lol. I was always like ‘he is good at this’ but ‘nope we are not in a relationship nope’

ODTU, you going back to 34, not boyfriend yet, sitting on grass, thinking how cute you are.

Beytepe, stadium at night, listening to music, talking about religions and life and death and some serious stuff. I didn’t agree with you all the time but seriously that day I was amazed how you explained yourself. Lying on the grass on your knees, looking at the stars. (We did a LOT of sitting on the grass thing)

Beytepe, yeah again, playing volleyball, you sucking at it, you rolling some stupid round things, me thinking ‘Fuck, I am faling in love fuckfuckfuck’

Your house, us, for the first time. So much pain, definitely worth it, we belonging to each other. And confession: that day deep down I hoped that you’ll be the only person I do this with.

IKEA trip, your new house plant fantasy.

Your house, fighting, me crying and thinking if it is possible to hate and love someone that much at the fucking same time.

Library times together, fuck med school seriously I hate what it does to us.

Beytepe, having our first son but he is a frog and he definitely is not cute but at least he is with us. I was sad when I left him. one of the best memories. That day I thought how I love watching you laughing.

Phone calls, me opening up to you about my bulimia thing. That topic is kinda hard to talk so I am skipping it.

Meeting your mom, omg still can’t believe as it really is a big deal to me. I always wanted to ask if I was the 1st person for you doing this. 

My house, making letter, penis and vagina cookies. Heaven in my mouth.

Coffee fest, I love watching you when you are doing something you actually like.

The time I got a fever, at your house, you doing weird stuff to me with towels. I love you and thank you for that I had shower like 4 times in 2 days.

TOBB, me getting iron supplement thing, I was SO mad at you those days and it took a long time to get over but I am feeling good now anyway you were with me and we took stupid selfies.

Late night Anıtkabir, all I can remember was how sick and cold I was urgh, skipping.

Us getting drunk together oMG that’s one of the funniest nights, you were SO stupid I have no idea how I drove and got back to home that day omg and we had some great drunk sex lol.

-I’m skipping loads of school and your (tbh I’d prefer calling it our) home memories bc they are sooooo much-

Christmas shopping, wearing Santa hat and stupid but cosy sweaters, me thinking how excited I am to be with you on a new year.

You coming to pick me for a coffee at 1st Jan, AND YOU RAN AWAY WHEN YOU SEE DOGS. That’s enough for that day.

oOOOH, ice skating and you sucking at it.

And, bowling and you TRULY sucking at it.

God I can’t continue this because I seriously am crying as I am so extra emotional from the doctor stress and we not being able to talk and hug and spend time a lot lately. I don’t know if I am not strong enough to survive depressions but I do know that I hate being alone. By being alone, I don’t mean other temporary people. I mean being without you. (You can not believe the amount of tears coming out of my eyes right now.)

But the fact is even when we can’t see each other a lot, or talk, deep down I am always aware of you loving me-me loving you. We had to go through hard times with fighting all the time with all the crying and screaming and I cannot guarantee that that will never happen again. But I can say that I will be loving you so much when we fight. I care about you, I do not want to let go, I want to have all those amazing feelings that I wrote about all my life. I don’t want some ‘Yeah I’m getting bored and life will change for both of us so let’s split up’ kind of relationship. That’s it. Not the perfect version because of the life conditions but I am living a dream with you. I am not sure if you can see the amount of hard work I put in us and maybe I am not seeing what you all did for us. 

I just am sure that I love you. That scares me some days because I feel it to my bones sometimes. Sometimes a thing you do breaks my heart so much I cry for hours. Or when I can’t focus on what I do when we argue. Those stuff really scare me. I am scared of the things I would do not to lose you. Having feelings is bad those times.

But most of the times, you, not doing anything, just existing at the same location with me makes me smile. You hugging me makes me smile. You saying that you love me makes me happiest person alive. The dreams of future including you excites me so much. I just can not wait to spend more time with you. Happy meeting anniversary if this is a thing. 

-yeah so I am saying it without doubts-

‘Queen-Love of my life’