#I wish I was born a male so these feelings could be diagnosed and fulfilled

[danzainosolitude]

Is there a gender for cis girls who want to be girls

[alexafaie-asd]

Struggling with feeling useless.

I’m trying to think up something to write in the birthday card for my Grandpa who will be 96 next week and I just can’t think of anything to put. He likes to have something to read about what I’ve been up to as I live too far away to see him as regularly as we used to visit when I was a child.

I tried reading back what I put last year and the year before (ordering online means it saves what you put) and the common thing between them is that I just wrote about what my boyfriend has been doing because there isn’t anything I can write about that I’ve done specifically. And there hasn’t been in a long long time now.

When I was at university I could at least write about my studies. After that I was hoping to be able to work towards making and selling custom corsets for people.

But ultimately, the poor mental health that lead to me dropping out of my masters degree didn’t let up. Bipolar disorder and cPTSD is a bitch like that. Then I got diagnosed last year as autistic which explains so damn much about my difficulties I’ve had. But during that time, I’ve not achieved anything.

Okay that’s kinda unfair. I have achieved a greater understanding of myself, however I am no further forward with getting any therapy (am beginning to doubt that my doctor even made the referral back to the mental health unit) and I’ve been struggling so much with executive dysfunction issues on top of everything else and so haven’t made any progress on anything much. I haven’t even managed to get any further with trying to get the house tidied properly (keep managing a room, or a small amount, but never the whole thing that needs doing).

And because of my grandpa’s age and general mindset, I can’t just write that I’ve been struggling with just trying to function at all. He doesn’t know that I’m autistic and if he *did* know then he wouldn’t be very accepting of that. He was born back when autistic people were called idiots and morons and cretins and dumb and imbeciles and were sterilized to prevent their genes getting passed on. He’s racist and voted for Brexit and is as patriarchal as they come. He was proud that I went to university because I was his first grandkid to do so, but he still kinda sees a woman’s place as being supporting a man and it kinda pisses me off that I’m basically fulfilling that role of being the stereotypical “housewife” staying home whilst her partner works even though I’d love to have my shit together enough to be doing something that feels worthwhile to me. No shade to housewives/husbands/people out there, its just I don’t find looking after the house fulfilling for me (especially since I’m shit at it, this stuff is hard and is worth a paycheck at least with 6 zeros after the number, even though its fucking unpaid).

If you asked 4 year old me what I wanted to be doing with my life I’d have said “being a paleontologist and digging up dinosaurs” or inventing cool things (like the air filtration system I came up with for on planes to reduce the spread of airborne diseases) or curing cancer or something. I certainly wouldn’t have said staying home whilst my boyfriend brought home the money. I didn’t want kids (still don’t) and wasn’t even sure that I wanted to have a boyfriend at all. I certainly knew I didn’t want to get married (still don’t. Its a meaningless piece of paper to me).

I just feel like I had such potential as a little kid and its just come to fuck all. I know that I’m still smart and stuff, but I’ve just not achieved anything that I can remotely talk about. I feel so invisible. I can’t share anything I go through mentally with anyone in my family because they aren’t actually as supportive as they think they are. I don’t even know if my Mum realises that I’m not straight. And it doesn’t really matter anyway since I’m with a cishet male and I’m female (I think maybe, but fuck knows, what even is gender?. AFAB at the very least) so that makes me “straight” regardless of my orientation as far as she is concerned. I guess I’m just tired of hiding myself away to make others more comfortable (both in terms of my orientation, my mental health and my being autistic) around me, but I’m not even comfortable with myself so it feels so damn unfair.

And all this shit is interlinked so even though I just have to come up with a paragraph of drivel to write to my Grandpa so he is a bit more up to date with how his family are doing, it drags up all these feels. I just wish that I had more to write about than my boyfriend getting a job and a car. I wish I could be writing about stuff I’ve done. I just haven’t done anything that’s amounted to anything this past year, or even just since Christmas when I last saw him. As in I’ve managed to build a bookshelf so that I had somewhere neater to put my colouring books and craft things. I’ve managed to tidy the bedroom enough to put a chest of drawers in a cupboard so that eventually some clothes can go in it. The bedroom is messy again though. I’ve put several loads of washing to wash and failed to finish putting them away. I’ve tidied the living room and hoovered a couple of times. I’ve tidied parts of the kitchen a bit a few times. I’ve cleaned the kitchen sink a week or so ago. Oh and I coloured a mother’s day card for my Mum back when it was Mother’s Day. But that was back in March I think? Or early April? And that is everything other than going on tumblr, or playing computer games or watching youtube and listening to music that I’ve done. Oh I suppose you could count going to the PIP Assessment. And we went to the circus last bank holiday Monday. But like none of that really feels like much to write about (literally the whole “nothing to write home about” thing). I wish that I were exaggerating how little I’ve got done this year, but I’m not. The most major thing is probably not having actively attempted suicide. But like I can’t exactly write to my Grandpa who is 96 years old saying “I’ve not done a great deal of interest, but at least I’ve not killed myself!”.

And I turn 32 this year and this is really not what I expected my 32nd year to be looking like. And I feel powerless to do anything about it because I’m having to fight my own damn brain. Executive dysfunction fucking sucks and its just destroying me bit by bit. I’ve spent years upon years upon years (ok my whole life) struggling with this and trying so fucking hard to do better and be better and its just like why am I even trying any more? It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try, it doesn’t make any difference to how things turn out for me. So why am I even bothering? I’m just so damn tired of living. So tired of suffering. So tired.

[aaliyahhill]

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