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ddinusa · 4 years ago

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How I was treated in ICE Processing Center, California United States of America

I’m writing this down to reveal the situations, and how detainees being treated in immigration detention, California United States of America.

Now it’s year 2020, the whole world still panicky of the pandemic of COVID- 19 (Corona virus), and America has the highest numbers of positive cases and death toll in the world, the numbers still going up. Even in this extreme pandemic time, tons of detainees from immigration detention still being deported with potentially carrying the deadly virus to other countries. And this will put the whole world in risk of deadly virus spreading even worse since detainees might not get sufficient and complete medical care for prevention/cure the deadly virus.

Air port

My story stared form LAX airport where I was landed in Feb, year 2020.

I was holding a traveling visa (B2) which was officially issued by American government, so I could go to California again to stay with my partner who I have been dating since year 2018, and planning to get married. Year 2020, this is the year that many Asians had been discriminated in America since COVID-19 pandemic.

And yes, I was one of them being discriminated in the airport when I landed, then CBP used lots of excuses to reject my permission entry, even I was holding a valid visa which was being revoked at the airport on the same day I landed, see figure 1.

(Figure 1- Contents in the figure: Expiration Date XX JUN2023)

Nightmares started right after CBP questioned me. There were always security reasons for CBP to do things. Body- searching, phone checking, personal belongs checking, loosing shoelaces…..etc. I was panic for not getting any help since all my electrical devices and phones were all being taken away. I couldn’t call my partner, nor my families. There’s no way I could contact anyone; I was hopeless, literally a hopeless foreigner in a foreign country along all by myself.

I didn’t know if my rights have being violated for doing what CBP did since I knew nothing about the laws here in America. Maybe I didn’t have the right to contact anyone or lawyers; or maybe this was good for CBP to do what they want to do without obstruction. I really had no idea what’s right or what is wrong, and was really panicky for being in that situation first time in my life.

After being held in the airport for one night without any of my personal belongs with me, ICE came to bring me to the immigration detention (ICE Processing Center) within 24 hours after CBP reported. They hand-cuffed me on our way to the detention, and that was my very first time being hand-cuffed.

Yes, exactly like shows you watch on TV or Netflix. Metals on my hands, ankles, and metal chain attached to my handcuffs too.

When we arrived to the detention, the detention facility staffs came out to take me in, and the very first word they said was “Really!?”.

Yeah, I bet that’s because my Asian race has SUPRPISED them a lot in the time of COVID-19 outbreak. ICE and I had been waited outside for few hours before the detention made a decision of taking me in or not, I guess, that’s why it’s taking hours waiting.

I was taken in after waiting, then, what waited for me next was intake procedure.

14 days quarantine

The facility has 2 buildings, WEST and EAST to detain all detainees. I was assigned to live in the WEST at the beginning (then being transferred to East because of COVID-19 was getting worse afterwards).

The facility members put me in 14 days quarantine not because I was not in America for 14 days; they put me in 14 days quarantine because they assumed that I might carry the deadly virus from the country I came from. And they assumed that I came from China without confirming my identification (because I am Asian). The medical records showed that I came from China, the country I never been to, nor a citizen, nor a permanent resident, not even a traveler. That is racial discrimination, real racial discrimination. I AM NOT FROM CHINA, 100% POSITIVE.

See the description from the facility as attached figure 2.

(Figure 2- Contents in the figure: Rule out COVID19 virus- Patient has been in infirmary since February 27, 2020, as he comes from a region of China Last date in China 2/26/20. Per patient he arrived 2/26/20 and spent the night at the airport. He will remain quarantine to rule out for COVID19. Patient denies cough and stated he feels well. No fevers since arriving, denies chills, or body aches. Reports he is in good health and takes no medications. Exam- Afebrile, non-toxic, Lungs CTAB. Heart sounds RRR w/o murmur, no sweating, no cough. Plan- Continue on airborne isolation for a total of 14 days. Patient to be assessed daily for changes in health status. )

I was put in quarantine for 14 days immediately to make sure to rule out potential COVID- 19 virus as soon as I was finished the intake procedure. Oh, and the RN (Registered nurse) asked about my physical characteristics when I was in the intake procedure. To be honest, I was confused why they need to record my body characteristics, and the worst scenario cases that I could think of was that….. once my head’s being cut off in some bad situations, they could recognize who I was by my body characteristics. (Really scary, huh, because I couldn’t find a better way to explain why they need my body characteristics.)

In the 14 days quarantine, I was in a small room without TV, nor books or anything to entertain myself, basically only a rack that I could sleep on. And lights which never been turned off 24/7.

And there’s one thing I was really worried.

The air was circulated to other isolation rooms, which have been used as quarantine and discipline, since I could hear other detainees shouting through the air tunnel in my isolation room. If there was one detainee had the deadly virus, the deadly virus will be circulated with air and get into other isolation rooms, then spread to everyone in the facility. Since the isolation rooms are for quarantine and for discipline, too; detainees in discipline punishment might get infected by other sick detainees next door (if the next door detainees are sick and being quarantined).

(Figure 3- Layout of Isolation room where I was staying for 14 days quarantine)

The facility staff told me I couldn’t go out, but I could borrow a tablet or a phone to contact families or friends, but it was not free. I had to pay with my money I bought with me.

So I borrowed a phone, but I didn’t have my partner’s phone number in my head. I asked if I could get my partner’s number in my cellphone, but my request was denied, so I authorized them to reach my phone or bring my phone to me, but still a NO to me. So basically I couldn’t contact anyone even I was offered the opportunity and equipment to call.

Oh, by the way, I had asked 3 staffs for toothbrush and toothpaste since I was not given any, and finally, a lady officer brought me some. I really appreciated for her help since she was the only one among them 3 whom I asked; she brought me not only lotions, floss, toothbrush and toothpaste, but also brought me HUMAN LIFE back.

Finally, I reached my families, but I didn’t tell them I was in detention; I didn’t want my families in my country to worry about me.

After about 2 days later, my friend, J who’s from Georgia USA found me, so J called the detention to leave his number to the staff, so I could contact him once the staff gave me his number. I was busted into tears when I reached him after several calls since the staff wrote his numbers wrong, or maybe J said it wrong. (I had to try many times before I could reach him.) Then I got my partner’s number by asking J to contact my partner on my Facebook’s friend list.

And about the tablet, it charged USD$0.05 per second if I wanted to play candy crush or watch old shows. Of course the phones too (the charge depends on where I called), every single phone call I made cost the money I brought with me.

The facility offered me 3 meals a day. If I was hungry, I either went sleep or drank water which came from the sink tap when I was in quarantine.

I sang to sing to myself, talked to myself, tried to sleep as much as I could to get this 14 days done.

Dorm with other detainees (West building)

Finally, after 14 days quarantine, I had people to talk to, or to order commissary food to not get hungry since the meals were not very likable.

About the kitchen food, there’s a menu so we detainees got to know what food we getting. But, sometimes, something missing; for example, there were 6 items on the menu, then there were only 5 items when we got our plates, sometimes ketchup missing, sometimes dressing, sometimes something else.

If a pack of ketchup is 5 cents, then few thousand ketchup will save the facility some money; or just kitchen people simply forgot to serve them.

These were the dishes that appeared the most on the menu, turkey slices, beef and beans burritos without beef, fruits from cans, sloppy joe, or sausages…etc. So commissary was the only option we could get food beside 3 meals, but if detainees didn’t have money to order commissary, detainees couldn’t shop commissary. Detainees could either apply 1 dollar job (maximum $1 a day.), or trade with other detainees with something else.

About the water, we were offered drinking water in Home Depot 5 gal. orange water coolers. Some detainees drank the water from the tap, instead of water from coolers since all the officers didn’t drink the water from the cooler; every officer brought their own water.

BTW, I didn’t have much sexual drive, nor physical erection since I got into the detention, so I asked other detainees, and they all had the same situations. We all figured that something has been added in our food or water. Even now I’ve been deported for a month, my sexual drive still not that high, compared to the times before being detained in detention.

About the shower water, every detainee sees everyone naked in the shower since there were no doors, just 6 chambers.

And my skin was dry and itchy after shower. I used to showered twice a day, but other EXPERT detainees told me to shower maximum one time a day since the water might be added with chemicals to reduce the mold in the shower chambers. (What they said made sense since there were only 6 shower rooms, and hundreds of people are using them every single day; there were no ways to find out what other detainees said was true or not, so I chose to listen to them to shower only one time a day.)

About the chemical spray to prevent corona virus during pandemic of COVID-19, the spray has been used over 50 times a day in the dorm. There were lots of detainees didn’t speak English, so I was helping to interpret if we spoke the same language. I remembered one time I was writing a medical request for a detainee who had unknow and persistent nose bleeding recently.

After I was deported, I knew why he had unknow and persistent nose bleeding. I read a report which showed that the spray used in the detention might cause unknow bleeding and some bad effect on animals. See the title from insider.com as attached figure 4.

(Figure 4, from insider.com - Contents in the figure: Report finds ICE detention centre is using a disinfectant over 50 times a day that causes bleeding and pain.)

About the phone calls, every phone call was being monitored. A detainee told me that ICE (or facility staff) called his cousin to confirm the relationship with the detainee, but he never provided his cousin’s number to anyone; the ICE (or facility staff) found the number by monitoring his calls, and called without asking the detainee. (I know, there are always security concerns for doing everything.)

And, my phone account has been blocked from calling legal orientation without any notification; I could still call other people, only not able to call legal orientation;

I didn’t see any or how I’ll post threats or dangers by calling legal orientation to get some helpful advise from the legal group. So I wrote a letter to DHS (Department of Homeland Security) on 17th April, 2020 to tell how my situation was, see figure 5.

(I always made another hand-writing copy for myself to all the mails I sent.)

(Figure 5- Contents in the figure: Dear sir, I’m a detainee in Adelanto California where I’ve been detaining since Feb, 27, 2020. I’m writing based on my situation and my rights might be violated in this detention: ①I have rights to appeal to BIA (Boarder of Immigration Appeals) within 30 days after immigration judge’s decision has been made, but the paper of judge’s decision shows that “No appeal is available.” It violates my right. If I haven’t had looked up information myself, I would have been taken advantages of, (since I don’t have legal representatives, nor attorneys in the whole process; I have made a few calls, but still haven’t found any free attorneys yet because I have limited finance, furthermore, the pandemic of COVID-19 makes this even more difficult.)②The judge made a false statement on the final decision. It shows that I’m subject to third-country-transit after July 16, 2019. But the fact is that both my flights were direct flights, straight from XXXXXXXXXXXX to America in 2019 and 2020. The judge didn’t ask me , nor give me a chance to confirm.

I’ll still keep waiting for more information on appealing to BIA (but I don’t know if I can make it withinh 30 days with limited info.) And also waiting for my ICE officer to reply my paper requests. I need help in anyways since I’m fighting this all alone by myself so far, and I don’t know if there will be any more advantages been taken from me. Please help, thank you.

My phone account has been blocked from calling LOP- Legal Orientation Program (844) 312- 5327 when I tried to call on April 17, 2020.)

At the same time, I tried to call legal orientation for 2 days, but still being blocked…. So I stopped calling legal orientation (19th April, 2020 was my last time trying.)

Then, I realized that my phone account was unblocked on 20th without any notification to me until I wrote a KITE (request/inquiry form) to the facility, see attached figure 6. (I think when they read my mail to DHS, and they knew about my phone blocking complain, so they unblocked my phone without telling a thing to me until I wrote a KITE to the facility.)

(Figure 6-Contents in the figure: My phone account has been blocked from calling legal orientation (844) 312-5327, when I tried to call on Apr. 17, 2020. It was not blocked before 4/17. I made few calls and it was connected.

Number was unblocked on 4/20/20.)

BTW, all the incoming/outgoing mails will be inspected, see attached figure 7.

(Figure 7- Contents in the figure: MAIL PRIVACY.

．All incoming and outgoing letters may be inspected for contraband and content.

．If you receive legal mail, the facility staff will open it in front of you and may check for contraband, but not read it.

．If you do not want your outgoing legal or special mail opened, allow facility staff to inspect the mail, but not read it, seal it in front of a staff member and clearly label it as legal mail.

．You may seal your other mail on you own and drop it in a detainee mailbox.)

DHS gave me a letter few weeks later, see attached figure 8. It said they were not taking any action on the information I provided, and I may need to consult an attorney. But I didn’t know how to find a free attorney once they blocked my phone from calling the group that I could have found free attorney since I have limited finance. (my partner had limited finance too since the family member needs some money for new knees.)

Once I got the letter from DHS, I knew there’s another “nowhere getting help” Again.

(Figure 8- Contents in the figure: After carefully reviewing the information you provided, CRCL has recorded it in our database. This will allow us to track the issues you raised in order to identify potential patterns of civil rights or civil liberties allegation within our jurisdiction. Accordingly, CRL will take no further action on the information you provided at this time. Please be advised that CRCL does not provide individuals with legal rights or remedies. Accordingly, CRCL is not able to obtain any legal remedies or damages on your behalf. Instead, we use information in correspondence like yours to find and address problems in DHS policy and its implementation. If you believe your rights have been violated, you may wish to consult an attorney. There may be time limitations that govern how quickly you need to act to protect your interests.)

About the voluntary work projects, one dollar a day, but first, I had to be selected to have the job, so I could get a one dollar job.

Interesting thing was that I couldn’t even able to afford a pack of cracker which was $1.55 for working a day, how interesting…..but the same, I still had to get the job first.

(Figure 9-Contents in the figure: 3 SNICKERS BAR $3.18, 1 CLUB CRACKERS $1.55, 2 ZC CHOC CHIP COOKIES 6 $2.20.)

About the grievance, on detainee handbook which showed that all grievance will be response back within 5 working days, see attached figure 10, but I haven’t got any of my detainee grievance forms reply back. (I wrote 2 grievance forms, see attached figure 11, 12.)

(Figure 10-Contents in the figure: GRIEVANCE PROCEDURES. A grievance is a complain about the substance or application of any written policy, regulation, or rule of the facility or the lack of the application of a policy, regulation, or rule; or a complaint about any behavior or action directed toward any detainee by staff or another detainee; or a violation of civil rights. The facility shall maintain a channel of communication between staff and detainees at all times. However, if a detainee feels a situation or issue has not been addressed to their satisfaction, they may file a grievance regarding any operational issue at any time. A response will be provided within five (5) working days of receipt of the grievance.)

(Figure 11-Contents in the figure: STATEMENT OF GRIEVANCE: (DECLARACION DE AGRAVIO.)

Please don’t move our beds/ bunks again, there is no such thing as “social distancing” when you’re trapped with a bunch of people in a space 24/7. Around 3 days ago, they changed my bed from XXXXXto XXXXX, then they changed my bed again yester from XXXXXto XXXXX again. That caused lot of inconvenience in many ways, such as form filling, paper request filling, bed/bunk calling out for work, library, paper request returns…etc. it’s really confusing because we don’t know who is being called since our bed has been changed again and again.)

(Figure 12-Contents in the figure: ① Phones have been cut off for many days without any notification; don’t know how long this will be lasting. ②Self-enhancemnet, everyday newspaper has been suspended for 7 days so far; still don’t know how long this will be lasting. I don’t see how making phone calls, or reading newspaper could post any security issues to this facility/ detention; we are not terrorists, nor criminals.)

About our marriage request, I was deported promptly right after my partner and I both submitted all the required papers about our marriage request, see attached figure 13, 14.

(Figure 13-Contents in the figure: This is in response to your request to marry your fiancé, while you are detained at the Adelanto ICE Processing Center. As part of the review process, the following information is required to consider your marriage request.

1) Are you eligible to be married?

2) Please (re) state your intent to marry.

3) Submit a statement indicating that you understand that the marriage ceremony will not be conducted if it is determined that if would present a threat to the security or orderly operation of the Adelanto ICE Processing Center or to the protection of the public.

4) Submit a statement indicating that you understand that your removal from the United States, if ordered, will not be postponed to accommodate this request.)

(Figure 14-Contents in the figure: Please Specify In Detail: What’s the status of marriage request? It has been another week again, please. Officer Response: Management is reviewing your request.)

After being deported back to my country, I still don’t know if my marriage request has been approval or not; even detainee handbook shows that I will get the decision, see figure 15.

(Figure 15-Contents in the figure: MARRIAGE REQUESTS. Detainees wishing to marry while detained must submit a request to ICE staff for approval, via and ICE Detainee Request Form. The decision to approve or deny will be provided to the detainee. Facility staff cannot approve marriage requests. The detainee and family are responsible for making all arrangements, including obtaining the marriage license, any required blood test, and retaining and official to perform the marriage. Neither the facility or Ice will Participate in making the arrangements. The following guidelines will be followed:

．Ceremonies will be no longer than one hour in duration.

．Ceremonies will be held at a time that does not conflict with facility counts, court, etc.

．only four individuals will be authorized to attend a service, of which one is the official performing the service, two are witness and one guest (this does not include the spouse.)

I’m just an ordinary person, not a Nobel prize winner, nor a billionaire. We two ordinary people just wanted to build our future together and live in our little world. But I was not welcomed to get in America and we are being separated. That’s really upsetting and frustrating for us and my partners families in USA.

About sick calls, no doctors in the pandemic of COVID-19.

Detainees made sick call requesting, but there were no doctors available, so the RNs would arrange another times and wait till doctors to be available for detainees.

Before I was deported, I read from the newspaper that the facility I was staying started to have positives cases, and we had no idea if the facility had done prevention or not since we didn’t get any COVID-19 test after outbreak in the facility.

And detainees still being deported with potentially virus carrying from America to other countries.

About psychiatrist, I was traumatized.

Being separated with my families for months and months, no visitation available to see my fiancé and the families, concealing my custody from my families in my country, limited finance to afford an attorney, phone account being blocked, excessive use of force, communication being cut off because of protesting, not knowing how long to stay in custody, risking of getting COVID-19 since insufficient medical care, not being welcomed in the stats, might be deported anytime and separated with my partner……. more and more and more.

I knew I need some mental help with all these burdens on me all by myself; I was literately in hot water, so I started seeking psychologist’s help and taking pills, see figure 16.

(Figure 16-Contents in the figure: Chief Complaints: 1. Routine follow up. Patient spoke English. Patient is diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety DO and Adjustment DO with mixed anxiety and depressed mood. We discussed his concerns about recent local protests and how the communication was shut down internally, as well as lack of timely response from ICE on his request to be married. Patient reported, “I don’t know what to do – I’m following the rules, and I’m not getting anywhere.”)

I never had difficulty to be in small room/ space.

But I realized that after I was deported home, I started to feel uncomfortable while I was in a small room. I’m traumatized from what I’d been through in the detention and the airport. I’ll seek some mental help in my country later or sooner.

I’m not a terrorist, nor criminal, and I belive that lots of detainees in American immingration detentions are not either, and I was one of the detainees in the non-humanized situations.

America is a country of freedom, a counry full of human rights. After what happened to me, I’m hurt and scared. And I truly belive that im not the only one feeling this pain.

“Thank you” to American citizens who pay all the expense to the facility, based on how many days I was being detained. More days I was being detained, more the failitye being paied. (All detainees don’t know in advance how long to be detained in the detention; the decision is not on detainees.)

A truamatized, deported detainee from Californa Adelantion ICE processing center.

Year 2020, Spring/ Summer.

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queennicoleinboots · 4 years ago

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Swamp Ass

A/N: Alternate Reality. Shit just happens.

It was yet another 80 degree-Fahrenheit day in Georgia. But 80 degrees is not 80 degrees in Georgia. It's really closer to 100 degrees when you factor in humidity and radiation from cell phone towers. I was sweating (and eating) like a pig.

My husband, Joebear, was growling because his butt was sweating. He hated having swamp ass. So he turned on the air conditioner. He also had a fan blowing in his face. The bear needed to be cool in order to not go bear shit on the world.

Speaking of bears, Colonel Mac, a gray bear, was riding over swamp land in his power wheelchair. His wheels were getting stuck in the swamp bog, so he kept having to ride one foot forward and two feet back. He was also grumbling about having a swamp ass because it was sweating in the chair. Clearly, he was having a fucked-up day.

Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing also had a terrible case of swamp ass. He was taking a huge shit on some documents he needed to get rid of because his shredder stopped working. His angry brown bear wife named Megara thought his swamp ass was being put to good use. She had swamp ass, too.

I also had swamp ass. I was sitting under a tree in the swamp and eating vegetable soup and chocolate. I was also waiting on my husband's meatloaf to finish cooking so I could eat that. It had swamp ass, too.

Paul the Goat was trying to mow the swamp with his lawn mower because he was sick of the bog. His lawn mower broke. He started bleating with a deep voice and beating the hell out of the lawn mower. Apparently, he would scratch his butt every now and then. He lacked air conditioner and hot water. He had a case of swamp ass, too.

Hollywood, his horse that joined the Secret American Society of Sexually Frustrated Goats literally a second ago, also just took a sloppy, green dump on the lawn mower. His leg was in severe pain and needed an X-ray specifically done by a sexually frustrated goat veterinarian. Hollywood also had swamp ass.

Joebear realized that he could smell the horse shit. He sniffed the air and asked, "Whoa! What the fuck is that bullshit smell?" He squinched his nose and looked around to see Paul the Goat peeing on the lawn mower to rinse the horse shit off of it. The smell of the piss and shit was being caught in the fan. "Oh my God I'm braindead!" Joebear turned off the fan and stuck his head in the computer screen. "Actually braindead." Joebear scratched his head. He laughed. "That's fucked up. That's very much fucked up. And sometimes I wonder why I'm fucked up."

I laughed at my husband and said, "I'm sorry, bae. I'm fucked up."

Colonel Mac ran into a tree when he was backing up. The tree was moist and left a wet streak on Colonel Mac's back. "What the fuck is wrong with this tree?!" he screamed as he went forward and looked behind him as he shook his fist at the tree. "DOES IT NEED A MASSAGE?!" Even the tree had swamp ass.

"Apparently," I said. "I need a forehead massage to deal with all of this swamp ass!" I started to massage my own forehead.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!! FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!" Joebear screamed at his computer. Apparently, it had swamp ass, too.

Colonel Mac tried to ride over to me before the damn wheelchair got caught on a fuckass tree root and sent him flying toward me. "HOLY SHIT!" he yelled in a strong Southern accent.

"All right. Time to get around this guy's dumb shit. Mother fucker!" Joebear growled as he referred to the tree with swamp ass and glared at his computer screen.

"I managed to get around the guy's dumb shit!" Colonel Mac screamed as his body ended up going through my forehead at Ludacris speed. He went physically through a tree before screaming as he landed right between Joebear and me. Then, Colonel Mac got up and started dancing a gig to the Chicken Dance song.

"Goddammit fucking horse!" Joebear screamed before Hollywood ran his bear ass over. The horse then kicked the shit out of the oven where the meatloaf was. "Ugh. Calm that shit down!" Joebear rolled over and growled.

Colonel Mac farted as he danced. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing farted as he ate a piece of a chicken. I farted as my ass was now foggy bottom.

The oven threw out the meatloaf and flew into Joebear's bear ass. "Just random kids! Why are they writing stories about my dinner going in my ass? Let's get rid of this dumb shit." On that note, Joebear took a shit. He also cussed out Black Desert Online and Magic the Gathering as he played them on his computer. He tried to play League of Legends, but he kept getting matches where he was 4 versus 5.

Colonel Mac also took this moment to take a shit to finish the dance. His ass was now a swamp. His shit literally consumed all of us. Now we were located in Swamp Ass Mac in Logantown, Georgia. This man hugged everyone as dudes do. No homo. No gay shit.

Skipjacks were swimming around in Mac's shit. Peter, my curly-haired jerk ex-client with green eyes, was sitting on a toilet that was on top of a shit wave that crashed near us.

Peter growled. "Dammit! Over a year later, and it happened again. Explosive diarrhea. Fuck me. I'm a zombie who has been radiated by nearby cell phone towers. OH AND I HAVE COVID-19!" he screamed as he remained on the toilet.

Joebear ate a piece of meatloaf before looking at him. "Dude, you're fucked up."

"Oh God. My long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate almost had Covid a month ago. You're the first asshole who has it this month," Colonel Mac said. "Something tells me you're a swamp asshole."

"WHO IS HE TO YOU?!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang randomly.

"Absolutely nobody," Colonel Mac said with a hearty laugh.

"What was the point of mentioning it then?" Megara asked as she threw her left hip to the side.

"The son'a bitch was a Democrat!" Colonel Mac said with a snort laugh.

"Really? I heard almost all Democrats had it," Peter said as he blinked.

"Yep. Only liberals have it," I said as I poked his right shoulder repeatedly.

"Oh fuck you, Xara!" Peter said as he rolled his eyes and poked me repeatedly. "Everything's political with you!"

Joebear ate a fish that was in Peter's shit wave. "What am I going to do about my balls?"

"I don't know, bae. You have swamp balls," I said.

"Swamp balls? What the fuck are those?" Joebear asked.

"They're like swamp ass. You have sweaty balls," I said.

Joebear stared at me with his bear brown eyes. "... Girl. You fucked up," he said.

Colonel Mac growled in agreement.

A random song from the 80s, "Hi! ho! Let's Go!" started playing in the swamp.

"Shut the. Fuck. Up. Shut the. Fuck. Up," Joebear sang along. "Let's stick our dicks in a blender and see what happens."

I laughed so hard I had a headache.

"Why not? I can't have sex when I have Covid. Might as well stick my dick in a blender and feed it to these fish," Peter said with a shrug.

The skipjacks immediately began to swirl around Peter while making goofy noises. They were hungry. And they had swamp ass.

"Fuck off. I was being facetious. And it's a fucking oven out here! It's almost as bad as when my old Ford Lincoln had no AC. Thank God that fucking car caught on fire," Peter spoke.

"That's nothing. I abuse my dick three times a day and have sex. And fuck that car indeed," Joebear said as he growled and started masturbating.

Paul the Goat bleated and had to excuse himself.

"There are too many penises and swamp asses in this story!" Colonel Mac shouted. "This is gay!"

Joebear growled loudly and realized that Colonel Mac was correct. "You're right, dude. I need sex!" Joebear screamed.

Everyone bleated except me. I was eating more vegetables. I needed to shower. I had swamp ass.

"Bae Whuhhh!!! Let me eat! Let me shower!" I shouted happily as I ate.

"Hurry up. I need to release seed. In fact, I need to eat, too. I am going to eat a sandwich!"

So Joebear took his sandwich and remaining piece of meatloaf and went in the woods to await me.

Colonel Mac tried to get out of this story, but he managed to tweak his right knee. "Oh fuck! I can't even get out of this sausage fest story! I'm fucked. Sigh!" he complained as his right leg was completely consumed by the swamp. It had swamp ass.

"Story of my life," Peter said with a giggle. "You would positively DIE if you knew half of the horrible shit I'VE gone through. Especially in the last three years. Holy Shit being around Xara is a curse!"

I giggled and ate the last bite of soup. Then, I walked over to fish out Colonel Mac's leg from swamp ass and patted his knee. "I'll give you the transcripts," I said to Colonel Mac as I poked the knee once.

"Feels good," Colonel Mac said. "Okay. Send the transcripts."

"Fuck you," Peter said as he folded his arms over his chest and glared at me with menacing green eyes.

"Haha. You're a dick, Peter," I said as I left the swamp.

Ted the Alligator then drained the swamp. Peter was going down a toilet while he remained on the toilet. Colonel Mac also was flushed down the toilet. Paul the Goat bleated, and Hollywood winnied as they were also flushed down Swamp Ass Mac's drain. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing randomly sang in opera, "SWAMP ASS!!! MY ASS PASSES GAS" as the end credits to this story.

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stephenmccull · 4 years ago

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Must-Reads of the Week From Lauren Olsen

Hiya! I’m Lauren Olsen, your new Newsletter Editor. That’s right — the totally official, no more fill-ins, always-here-for-you Newsletter Editor. As the replacement for editor extraordinaire Brianna Labuskes, I’m here to tackle all your health news needs.

Why yes, you’re right — a pandemic is a heck of a time to take over this job. I’d argue, however, that it’s the best time, because who doesn’t need a hand sorting out all this craziness? So far, 2020 has been like trying to paint the “Mona Lisa” while riding a unicycle in a rainstorm — in other words, a sloppy mess teetering on disaster — but, with any luck, when it’s done we might all manage to smile.

In the meantime, I won’t Louvre you in the lurch. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) Be sure to read each day’s top health news headlines in KHN’s Morning Briefing, compiled by yours truly. Please subscribe, if you haven’t already — and tell your colleagues and friends, too. Have a comment about the Briefing or the Breeze? Send me an email at [email protected]. I look forward to hearing from you.

A Gift for You, My New Friend

Because we’ve just met, I’d like to offer you a token of friendship: Today’s Breeze will do its best to have a positive spin. Things are dreary enough in the world right now — you don’t need me to blow more gray clouds your way. In the words of Helen Keller, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

What’s Donald Up To?

Today, let’s play a game called “What’s Donald Up To?” You won’t win any points or money. What you will win is the knowledge that there are 180 days until Inauguration Day! (I suppose your real prize will be if “your guy” wins, whether it’s President Donald Trump, Joe Biden or Kanye West.)

So what is Donald up to? He began his busy week of tweeting, mask-wearing and name-calling with a feisty interview with Fox News’ Chris Wallace on Sunday. In it, he lamented increased COVID testing (“I’m glad we do it, but it really skews the numbers”), called Dr. Anthony Fauci, America’s infectious diseases superstar, an “alarmist,” boasted about the sagging U.S. economy (“I built the greatest economy in history, I’m now doing it again”), reasserted his opinion that the virus will “disappear” and downplayed the potentially devastating physical effects of COVID-19 by saying some people just have the “sniffles.” When asked about the nearly 1,000 deaths a day in the U.S., Trump said it “is what it is.” On the positive side? Well, the interview was only about an hour.

The critiques rolled in, and for most of the week we saw a kinder, gentler version of Trump. Maybe it was because he was happy he supposedly aced the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, a test that detects early signs of dementia. Or maybe it was because he’d passed “multiple” COVID tests a day, according to his press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany. (“I don’t know of any time I’ve taken two in one day,” he clarified a few hours later.) Or perhaps he was simply feeling generous, providing $5 billion for struggling nursing homes, resuming COVID task force briefings, renewing the national public health emergency and even (gasp!) tweeting a pic of himself wearing a mask. But I think the real reason may have been because two White House cafeterias closed this week after a staffer tested positive for the coronavirus — providing another excuse for him to keep eating McDonald’s. (Just a theory.)

Even so, Trump’s good mood subsided by the end of the week, probably because he had to cancel the GOP convention in Jacksonville, Florida, amid the state’s rising COVID cases. (Not to mention that the Duval County sheriff did warn him about not being able to provide security.)

Wondering what Biden, Trump’s probable Democratic rival in November, was up to? Well, this week he released his massive “caregiving plan” for Americans — $775 billion over 10 years. (That certainly would buy a lot of Care Bears.)

California and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

California, the most populous state, on Wednesday surpassed New York as the worst-hit state for cases (tallying 413,576 as of that day). The increase of 12,112 was the biggest single-day increase since the pandemic started. At the national level, there have been 4 million cases — it took only 15 days to jump from 3 million to 4 million — and the death toll stands at 144,000. Unfortunately, the rise in cases is outpacing the rise in testing, with The New York Times explaining: “About 21,000 cases were reported per day in early June, when the positive test rate was 4.8 percent. As testing expanded, the positive test rate should have fallen. … Instead, the positive test rate has nearly doubled.”

The number of COVID cases is likely 10 times higher than what we thought, experts now say. On Saturday, the FDA approved the use of pooled testing, essentially allowing the testing of many more people using fewer tests. But the White House, not to be outdone, announced it would push to phase out funding for testing from the COVID-relief bill in Congress. (More on that in a minute.)

In the “oops” category, 113 people in Rhode Island, about 90 in Connecticut, 26 in Kentucky and dozens in New York were told they had COVID-19 when in fact they had tested negative. (Does that qualify as positive news? I’m not sure, but I’m happy those folks are fine.) Conversely, in The Villages, Florida, one of America’s biggest retirement communities known for its golf and rockin’ house parties, is seeing a spike in positive cases, jumping from the single digits last month to at least 29 last week.

Scientists delved into the big question this week: Can you get reinfected with COVID? And the absolute, no-doubt-about-it answer was: Um, not sure. But it’s unlikely, they say. Scientists did determine that mosquitoes most likely don’t spread COVID, and they’re testing whether UV light, which can kill many nasty germs, can kill this virus, too. As a bonus, the CDC now says that if you do get sick, you should isolate for 10 days, not 14. (But severely ill patients should isolate for 20 days.)

So Much for Vacation

Congress returned from a two-week summer recess Monday to begin work on the fifth COVID-relief bill of the year, and it played out like a real-life version of Chevy Chase’s “National Lampoon’s Vacation,” starring Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as Clark Griswold, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as the Ferrari-driving Christie Brinkley and Trump as the security guard at Walley World who basically ends their fun. (My goodness, can’t you just envision it?)

Republicans had a $1 trillion agenda that included funds for schools and COVID testing, a payroll tax cut, direct checks for individuals and $600-a-week stipends for laid-off workers. Senate Republicans seemed near a deal with the White House on Wednesday as the Griswold family station wagon chugged along. But the car crashed Thursday when the two groups failed to reach an agreement on the unemployment issue. (Mind you, the Democrats haven’t even gotten involved yet.) Republicans vowed to have a new deal next week. As all this was going on, smooth-driving Pelosi left tire tracks all over Trump while speaking on CNN’s “The Situation Room” on Tuesday, calling the coronavirus the “Trump virus.”

Let’s Make a Deal: Which Vaccine Is Behind Door No. 1?

Am I the only person who can’t keep track of all the vaccines and treatments in play? Chinese group Sinopharm said it will have a vaccine ready for the public before the end of the year. (Woohoo!) British pharmaceutical firm Synairgen announced a breakthrough nebulizer treatment that reduces the severity of COVID-19, and Oxford-AstraZeneca’s vaccine AZD1222 showed promising results in human trials, too. Meanwhile, behind Door No. 2, the Russians are insisting they didn’t try to steal British coronavirus vaccine research.

Back in the good ol’ U.S. of A., five pharmaceutical giants testified to Congress on Tuesday that they wouldn’t cut corners when developing a vaccine. And Wednesday, as if on cue, Pfizer and German firm BioNTech made an unusual $1.95 billion deal to supply 100 million doses of a not-yet-finished vaccine to the federal government, which plans on giving it to Americans at no cost. (Not to nitpick, but there are 330 million people in America. I’m not great a math, but still …)

Meanwhile, behind Door No. 3, the Department of Justice indicted two Chinese nationals this week on charges that they hacked and stole research from companies working on COVID vaccines in the U.S., the U.K., Sweden, Spain, Australia and other nations.

The REALLY Important Questions

Sure, all of that stuff has big implications. But here in the real world, we’re worried about simpler stuff. For example, when can I watch NFL football? (Not for a while.) Has baseball started? (Yes!) Can I travel to the Bahamas (no), Niagara Falls (yes) or New York (maybe)? If I live in California and need a haircut, where can I get one? (Outdoors.) Should I buy my teen some condoms? (It’s up to you, but more adolescents are improvising with plastic wrap — shudder.) Does it hurt to get shot with a less-lethal projectile? (Um, HECK YES.) Should I wear a mask in Atlanta, at a Marriott hotel or when buying jeans at the Gap? (Yes.) How about at the bank? (Yes, as long as you promise not to rob the joint.)

That about wraps it up for me. Hope you enjoyed my inaugural Breeze. Keep smiling! Until next week,

— Lauren

Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a national health policy news service. It is an editorially independent program of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation which is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

Must-Reads of the Week From Lauren Olsen published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

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gordonwilliamsweb · 4 years ago

Text

Must-Reads of the Week From Lauren Olsen

A Gift for You, My New Friend

What’s Donald Up To?

California and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So Much for Vacation

Let’s Make a Deal: Which Vaccine Is Behind Door No. 1?

The REALLY Important Questions

That about wraps it up for me. Hope you enjoyed my inaugural Breeze. Keep smiling! Until next week,

— Lauren

Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a national health policy news service. It is an editorially independent program of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation which is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

Must-Reads of the Week From Lauren Olsen published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

0 notes

dinafbrownil · 4 years ago

Text

Must-Reads of the Week From Lauren Olsen

A Gift for You, My New Friend

What’s Donald Up To?

California and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So Much for Vacation

Let’s Make a Deal: Which Vaccine Is Behind Door No. 1?

The REALLY Important Questions

That about wraps it up for me. Hope you enjoyed my inaugural Breeze. Keep smiling! Until next week,

— Lauren

Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a national health policy news service. It is an editorially independent program of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation which is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/friday-breeze-health-care-policy-must-reads-of-the-week-from-lauren-olsen-july-24-2020/

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