#I was legit worried about how skinny she was and how she never ate

[thatonebirdwrites]

Legend of Korra Really Doesn't Want Asami To Eat

A friend and myself were going through the show, and we realized that the show doesn't ever reveal Asami eating. She seems to subsist on tea alone, while her friends and found family eat around her. In Book 1, she and Mako do not eat anything on their date. Asami does sip her tea. When Korra is rescued from Tarrlok, Korra devours her food, and Asami is at the table with her, but she has no food in front of her. She goes with Pema to wash dishes.

When in the sewers, she spits out the dumpster food and gives it to Pabu. In Book 2, Asami is not at the feast nor is she shown eating any snacks offered by Bolin or Varrick. She doesn't eat anything in Republic City despite there being at least one potential meal scene. In Book 3, we start off with Korra and Asami doing things together and Asami supporting her at Korra's press conference. They return to Air Temple Island, where Tenzin and his family are eating. Korra sits down to join them, but Asami stands there in the doorway awkwardly. She doesn't join them, and no one calls her over. Little to no food is shown on the airship journey. In Ba Sing Se, there is some food shown, but Asami is either not present for it, or again doesn't eat it. In Zaofu, she is at the dinner table with everyone else and there is indeed food in front of her. Others show signs of the food on their plates being eaten or touched, but Asami's plate is untouched. Again, she only sips her tea or tests Varrick's terrible detect-air-bender device. In Book 4, she is seen offering Korra tea, but if there is any food scenes (hardly any), Asami is either not present or she does not eat while everyone else does.

She is seen at a table but only has tea while others have food. In the Comics, we once again never see Asami eat. Korra does eat at one point -- see Ruins of Empire when she eats snacks offered by Bolin during the briefing with Wu and President Moon. Asami only sips tea. So the conclusion (edited in to add that this conclusion is partly tongue in cheek): The writers have a vendetta against Asami eating. Therefore, I proclaim that Asami deserves food! LET ASAMI EAT. Raise your voices with me! LET ASAMI EAT.

Now on a more serious note (edited for clarity on definitions):

Disordered eating and anorexia is very unhealthy, and sure, I can't say for certain if Asami is anorexic or not. Disordered eating on the other hand is when one's eating habits are not consistent and not as nutritious as they need to be, which would fit with the consistent pattern of not showing Asami as eating.

I struggle with this too, and watching Asami in the show and comics not eat at all while her friends and found family do? That was pretty triggering for me, and had me legit worried. Like, why does everyone else have at last one meal where they are shown putting food in their mouth or shown with a half-eaten plate of food, but Asami doesn't get that? Even Mako and Zhu Li gets a moment to eat.

(Edit: To be this consistent with such a trait, requires conscious decisions; if it was once or twice, it'd be insignificant of a pattern, but for it to happen numerous times each season, the pattern is consistent and frequent enough to be significant. It is very hard to accidentally create a character trait that is very consistent across four seasons.) It's bothered me so much that I wrote about it in my fanfiction, where she struggles with her disordered eating and remembering to eat. It helped me feel better and validate my own struggle with eating disorders. (EDIT: A lot of fanfics writers and artists write her as forgetting to eat due to being caught up in work, so numerous people have caught on to this consistent trait to the point they include it in their own fics.)

It just makes me sad to see that, especially the Book three scene where Korra and Tenzin's family FAIL to invite Asami -- who has done so much for all of them, especially as she saved Tenzin's life twice and Korra's at least once -- to the table to eat with them. This shows a callous disregard for her by those characters, which was a little unnerving to see.

Asami's only family is Korra and the brothers. She's lost everything else, and her company can't fill the role of family. And yet, they keep neglecting her. Korra doesn't start to really include her until after Zaheer, despite Asami being 1000% at her side and always saying yes to everything Korra needed. (Asami was so in love with her from when she first met Korra, let's be honest. All their scenes together are very gay). So despite Asami's total loyalty, she's treated more like an emotional-support-nonbender for the team.

Despite the fact she can take down people on motorcycles and large mech tanks.

Asami is an excellent fighter in her own right. Genius inventor. Caring person with a heart bent toward justice.

And yet, and yet, she's so underutilized, her complex backstory mostly off screen, and when on screen, she's on the edge of everything.

When I examined transcripts for Book 3, I kept finding scenes where they would write a description of the scene. Asami was listed with Naga and Pabu most of the time. For example: Asami, Naga, and Pabu are on the edge of the scene, looking on.

This utterly baffled me, and coupled with the fact she isn't shown eating, it makes me wonder about if she struggled with whether she belonged or not. Because Korra, Mako, and Bolin sort of sucked at being present for her, despite her tripping over backward to be there for them.

Asami Sato is incredibly loyal, and she honestly deserved so much better than what she was given in the storylines of the show and the comics. Her and Korra being together canonically is awesome, and sure, Korra is better at being attentive to Asami and her needs, but there's that imbalance of Asami still going out of her way to be present for Korra no matter what.

I wish the Bryke and his team would let someone like me or my fellow fanfic writers who have tackled Asami so well -- write an Asami-centric comic that no only addresses the above, but shows how Asami overcomes her disordered eating, finds belonging in found family, and comes to terms with her intense grief over all that she's lost in her life. That would be such a compelling story, and yet it's so overlooked.

So I wrote it, and so have other fanfic writers. Thank you to all the other fanfic writers who did their best to write Asami and dig into her story in a respectful way.

May Asami be given space to grieve and be able to eat with her found family.

[relapse-time]

i remember seeing tumblr posts of people saying that after they ate they looked like 3 sizes bigger and i thought they were joking/ exaggerating a little bit before but now that exact thing happens to me and i was desperately hoping it’s just body dysmorphia but i think i actually just look like that.

i think so because:

1. i went shopping with my dad and he believed the pants i got weren’t going to fit me even though it did and it wasn’t super tight on me (i also have been wearing this size for a while too and i thought i’d definitely size down. now idk if i would’ve fit in the ones in a smaller size cause there weren’t any but still i’m not satisfied i wish it was looser)

2. i had to get a fanny pack for marching band and he thought he tightened the strap too tight but it fit perfectly around my hips. (ofc it’s too big if i had it around my waist)

3. my mom believes me when i lie to her saying what i’ve eaten, she doesn’t ask if i have an eating disorder, or show any other sign that she’s worried. if even she isn’t noticing anything then clearly i’m not skinny enough or she would’ve taken note of it. my dad has never been worried about my eating habits and said he doesn’t think i have an eating disorder. (i feel like he’s the type of person who believes only skinny people can have an ed)

4. i don’t eat during lunch and my friend asked yesterday only once if i’m not eating and i said yeah but she wasn’t worried at all and didn’t say anything after that. today none of my friends asked. this is the same with the previous one, if i was skinny enough wouldn’t they actually care?

even if it is just body dysmorphia i’m afraid that others see me the way i see myself. i think it’s legit me looking fat though because otherwise things like these wouldn’t happen.

another reason i’d like to note too is that i never thought i had body dysmorphia before until a couple of weeks ago where i looked pregnant after eating (sometimes even without eating) and just when i look down at my stomach or legs i just look absolutely fucking humongous. if i actually had body dysmorphia i would’ve had this sort of stuff happen before. it’s just i’m really scared i look like that but i’m probably lying to myself by thinking it could possibly be body dysmorphia just to make myself feel better.

it sucks too cause i can’t just ask someone if i’m skinny or not because they’ll all say i’m skinny but that’s because their definition of skinny is different than mine (or they could just lie to make me feel better). there’s people that are skinnier than me when i literally have an eating disorder and i keep hearing people talking about how they haven’t had lunch or had little to eat today and just i feel like i’m not losing anything at all.

i’m too afraid to check the scale cause i feel like i’m going to freak out. i never feel like i’m actually losing anything unless if i get symptoms like dizziness, hair falling out, being super cold, passing out, ect. whenever those don’t happen it leads me to believe i’m eating too much. i just don’t know what to do anymore i haven’t eaten anything today and exercised a lot from rehearsals and walking but i still looked fat (not as much so as if i had eaten but still not flat) and i just hate my body so much why can’t i just be dainty and skinny already :(

i really want to restrict more but it’s difficult because all i eat is dinner most days and i can’t skip cause my parents ask what food i wanna eat. now that school has started physically for me i can use rehearsals as an excuse pretending i already ate but i don’t have it every day hhhhhhh. i might say i have homework or something and so i’ll “eat” dinner in my room and then throw it out later.

[spurgie-cousin]

Do you think JRods kids are under fed? I was a really skinny kid and I was fussy about what I ate. I think what worries me is they look unhealthy ... with black circles under their eyes and their portion sizes are tiny. I bet Sydney Dingus is starving every time she visits loool. I know I would be! Ha ha

My thing is, I don’t know. I was also a really skinny kid and most kids in my family are weirdly thin, like Rod kid size. My brother was so skinny he was legit bullied for it, and he ate literally constantly (he’s 25 now and still has to put forth a lot of effort to gain any kind of weight).

I know JRod made the infamous ‘chicken leg’ comment which obviously was really fucking dumb. It could have truth to it, but a lot of people now cite it as definitive evidence that Jill underfeeds her kids when the actual reality is that it’s not. 

Do I think it’s a possibility? Sure, with their family’s size and their unreliable income sources, it’s absolutely possible that food is something that’s spread thin. Do I have enough concrete proof that Jill is withholding food from her children to say absolutely that she is? No. 

Do I think strangers should call CPS on this family they’ve never met based on how much the kids weigh or shitty lighting in Instagram pictures? No, and I think that’s really, really gross behavior.

Edit: If CPS reports need to be made, they need to be made by family members, church members, neighbors, friends, acquaintances etc. Sans hard evidence, it’s really hard to make a case for abused kids, even if you get a home visit and people in direct contact with the family are in the best position to provide that evidence.

[sending-the-message]

HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND THIN by Skelethin

Hello everyone, so, uh, I want to be beautiful and thin. And I’ll tell you exactly how you can too!

There’s a storm deep within me that’s dying to get out. It’s a storm of rage and self hate, constantly gnawing at my fat to escape. I must admit, I’m not fat and I never have been. I have always been a size small, since I’m 5’3 and 105 lbs to begin with. What hurts more is that I’m simply average. Normal body, normal size, normal everything. I’m considered “normal thin”, and not fat nor skinny. I’ve never been anything special. I’m 15 and I frequently enjoy, well, different things than your average teen. I’m obsessed with books, and only classic literature. I only listen to classical music and I play a few instruments, as well as spend my time writing poetry and practicing ballet En Pointe.

Anyway, now that you know a little bit about me, I’m here to tell you exactly how I got thin and beautiful. So, I had tried everything at this point; being Vegan for a few months, which resulted in Anaemia, I tried the Keto diet, which also didn’t work. I even tried diet pills, which no, did not give me a tapeworm. I will admit, I was losing 4 pounds per week, but that’s simply not enough. How do people even have the patience to diet for months while losing as little as 1-4 lbs per week? I didn’t. I had to find a way to speed up the process. I stumbled across a diet known as an “Ana Diet”, unbeknownst to me, it definitely would work. It was on some website called “AnaBones4evur.com” and i figured it was a spam site at first, since it popped up like an annoying ad on the bottom of my computer when I was searching other legit dieting websites. This one didn’t seem professional, as it was a minimalistic page. The font looked as if it were tipping and falling off the page, as well as little blue sparks were glitching all over the deep black wallpaper of the website. I looked closer, and I noticed that the millions of little blue sparks that were glitching were in fact mini pixel butterflies. Strange. There were only a few links displayed on the page, which were clearly misspelt.

There was an “Abooout”, an “FAQ”, a “Store” And a “Dietes, Tricks and Ttipss”. Now, I know what you’re thinking, clearly it’s a fake scam website as all the red flags were there. Mind you, I was absolutely desperate to lose weight. As silly as this sounds, I couldn’t just be happy and satisfied with a body like any average girl. I wanted mine to be surreal, angelic, ethereal, like sharp jagged bones protruding like glass. So first, I clicked on the store. There weren’t many items being sold; just scales, measuring tapes, laxatives, diuretics, exercise merch, and a bunch of purple bracelets with the same bluebell butterfly symbol on them. The prices were all surprisingly low, and I hoped that the FAQ would say something about the butterfly, so I clicked on that next.

There were only 5 Questions with short non-detailed answers below. It’s weird, since all the questions seemed odd but well punctuated, and the answers from the website host was misspelling everything and often using foreign letters such as “ ç, ż, ł, ß, æ, ø, œ, ü, ę, ŵ, etc.” It was strange. One of the questions was “How long does it take to lose about 60 lbs?” And the host answered “well, if you follow all the ÅNNNNÁ rules, then you will lose 60 lbs in about 5 months. Usūally yoau losę 8 pounds p3er ŵeek (((:” the rest of the questions weren’t very important. So I clicked “Abooout” and it was also short paragraphed. It looked a little like this:

“Hallo And Welcym freinds!!! U are now part of the ÁnNa famly. Everywun who joyns, is my fellowe sister or brothear!! U can onlye be acepTed on 1 Condishin. You MUST FOLLEW allkklllllll the rules. If u fail to follew evry rool, u will be BANNED FROm THISE WEBSIGHT. How will I Kno if u breyk a rule?? TrUuuuuust me. I kno. I am Alwaus Watching u. It u sighn up here, I Will Automauticalli have Access to sey what u r doing 24 HRs A DAY. SeveRe Punichment will come ur way if u Brayk a rule.

Remember, have Fün and liive Dangeroushly!!”

Xoxoxo- MIA

Finally, I clicked the diet, tricks, and tips. All of them were normal enough, at least at first. “Eat only X amount of calories per day” and the punishment is, if you eat over 900 calories then you will have severe nightmares for 8 days. You have 3 strikes. If you go over 900 for the third time in a row, you will have severe physical pains. I don’t believe in a lot of supernatural stuff, I mean, I believe in ghosts, but not that some random person on the internet has the power to control your mind and your body. You have to exercise until you faint, if you stop exercising and you’re still able to walk and stand fine, then you aren’t doing it enough. You must count and measure everything that goes in your mouth. You must make yourself throw up in case you accidentally consume a little extra calories. I hate vomit, but if it will make me lose weight, I will do it.

So I tried. On August 1st I began my diet. I restricted. That was the main word etched in my mind: Restriction Restriction. Other words were “Willpower” and “Self Control.” I have the willpower to restrict my calories, and I feel like I am the Goddess of my own body. I have immense self-control that people often express how jealous they are, that I easily decline delicious sweets being offered to me. Every time my stomach rumbles and moans and screams at me for my cruelty, I smack it and tell it that it’s not hungry, just bored. Who knew that feeling hungry and empty felt so good?? The “full” feeling I used to feel when I ate normally was disgusting. Bloated belly, full of food, now is empty shrinking belly. I feel so weightless, like a feather. I hated vomit, but soon I began to vomit 5 times a day. I never went over my calories. I was gonna be the one to do everything perfectly so I can impress Mia. I will be the number one winner in her dieting contest. She will absolutely love me. She expresses adoration for me already. Her little voice in my head constantly praises me after a good purge.

September 10th: I feel so nauseous. My bones ache and my whole body is sore. I think I worked out too hard last night. My breath still reeks of last nights vomit even though I brushed them like, 12 times. I had to tell people my teeth are yellow because I ate something that contained food colouring. It’s tiring, having to pretend to make breakfast and lunch so my dad thinks I’m eating. Luckily he’s the only person I live with. It’s crazy how the only reason I manage to get out of bed is so I can weigh myself. The scale is my religion. I hated math, but now I love it. I’m the best at counting calories and measuring the size of my waist and my thighs, and that number that drops every day is amazing. I weighed in at 83 lbs today. My dad doesn’t know since my old clothes are the only thing I wear, and they’re huge on my delicate and dainty figure.

October 1st: I can’t even move. My long pretty fingernails are yellow and brittle and they constantly fall off whenever I scratch my dry, itchy head. My once thick mass of luscious blonde hair is dirty and greasy and stringy, falling out in clumps when I brush it, when I shower, and when I wake up. My skin feels like a snake; patchy and scaly. I’ve always been pale, but never like this. It’s a annoying how everyone asks if I’m sick or if I have a fever. They don’t know. They’ll NEVER understand. I’m constipated so I have to rely on 15 lax a day. I can’t sleep because I’m so hungry, and when I do sleep, all my dreams are food-related to me binging, and I wake up in a panic, crying since I think it’s real. I can’t walk 3 steps to my own bathroom in my own room. It hurts. I want to pass out and pant heavily whenever I walk up the stairs, as it feels as if I have walked 30 miles. I resorted to crawling everywhere. Sometimes, my dad has to carry me.

November 1st: I hate my my life. I used to have depression before, but it’s never been this severe. I feel like the more weight I lose, the more depressed I get. MIA LIED. She said I’d be happier once I’m thin. She promised I’d look like one of those models in the VS show. They don’t look as dead as I. My dad is a mortician, and he constantly remind me that I look and feel like a dead body. I’m cold, my skin is so so cold. I’m cold. I wore Uggs, Sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and thick blanket in 105 degrees and I was shivering and freezing. Every time I stand up my vision fades to black and all these black little dots dance around my blurry vision. It’s like when you stand up too fast you get dizzy spells, except it happens to me all the damn time. I have to lay down 4 towels on the toilet seat to go pee since it hurts my bones. I have to sleep on 5 blankets since it hurts my bones. I can’t sit on wooden chairs because it stabs my bones.

Everyone says they’re worried about me. Teachers pull me aside, my ballet instructor, the nurse, store owners when I go and order a Diet Coke during lunch rather than actual food. I don’t even look twice at the display of pastries. I’m successful. Everyone says I’m too thin and I need a doctor, blah blah blah. They’re wrong. They have no idea how long it took for me to get here. They have no idea how I desperately needed this. They have no idea all the effort I put. They need to appreciate how beautiful I am. I thought they’d praise me. They’re just denying I’m beautiful, they’re all jealous. They stare at me with haunting and pitying eyes and whisper behind my back. They gasp and gape at my body wherever I go. See how jealous they are? They want to be me. They’re just saying I’m dangerously thin because they wish my body was theirs. Well, I had to work for it. If being thin was easy, everyone would do it. We live in a world of gluttony where everyone is constantly stuffing their face, whereas I eat every other day.

December 1st: Too weak. Can’t move. I have missed school for a week now. My skin is more blue and purple than white, and it’s not my veins. My lips are dry and white with a slight pale red and swollen shut with dead skin hanging off. I have heavy and thick black bags underneath my eyes. I FEEL BEAUTIFUL. My body is covered in bruises, even though I do nothing but sit on my ass all day watching TV. Mia said it’s okay to stop exercising since I’m so weak, so I deserve a break. My metabolism is dead, and I’ve hit a few plateaus, but I’m almost to my goal weight. It’s funny because my goal weight gets lower and lower the more weight I lose. At 105 lbs my goal was 95. I got there, and I still looked obese. Then it was 85, got there, and still obese. 75, got there, and still obese. I’m currently 68 lbs and my goal is 59. 5 is my favourite number, and 9 is one less away from being the highest and the greatest: 10.

It’s so funny. It’s like I was blind my whole life. I never really thought I was fat, but Mia said to take one good look in the mirror, which opened my eyes, and suddenly, I realised, maybe I AM obese. Soon those protruding bones became rolls of fat and I physically transformed into a monster. My mirror was alive and moving. It kept morphing and twisting and distorting like a fun-house mirror. Why isn’t enough? I think I was born with a special body that can’t be skinny no matter how much weight I lose. That number on the scale will never be enough. It will never satisfy my cravings and my need for skinny. Maybe my goal should be 50.

December 10th: I’ve fainted 4 times so far. I get Charlie horses in my legs every night. My dad says I have low magnesium and blood pressure. As well has dangerously low blood sugar and severe iron deficiency. He’s lying. He just wants to make a big fat ass again. My heart rate is currently 40 BPM. There is one thing that i love, though, and that’s my period. It’s gone. I haven’t had it in forever. My dad keeps crying and getting on his knees and begging me to eat, telling me I’m painfully thin. He’s just MOCKING ME. Everyone who says I’m thin is a big fat liar. They know I’m an obese pig, they just want to lie to me. I’m the only one who sees my body truly for what it is, why can’t everyone else? I know the real me is fat. Apparently everyone else just looks shocked and surprised when I say I’m still fat. “Gaunt Girl” they call me. “Emaciated Evangeline” they call me. “Starving Sister” I’m called. “Skinny Minnie” “itty-bitty” “Malnourished.” Everyone calls me either a zombie, a vampire, or a ghost.

I don’t even FEEL alive. I feel more like I’m existing, but not living. I don’t feel like I have a life. It’s as if I’m a puppet. Or someone is playing with me like an unmoving doll. I can’t breathe, i can’t sleep, i can’t eat, and I feel dead. I feel brain dead. I can’t even move now. I lay on the couch all day, barely moving my head. I can’t even watch tv or go on my phone. I can’t even tell you what I said 3 minutes ago. My memory used to be intelligent and sharp, now I can’t remember anything. My vocabulary speaking-wise is that of a 5 year old. My mind is that of a 5 year old. I dumbed down as my malnourished brain and mental state deteriorated. I am nothing but a decomposing body, waiting to be as light as dust. Soon to be ashes. I can only really remember to speak 5 words “Hi, Bye, No, Yes, Okay.” THIS IS WHAT PERFECTION FEELS LIKE

December 17th: This is Evangeline’s Dad. I found her diary and all the sickening things she’s written in it about her diet and some website. Evangeline Elizabeth Winters was admitted to X hospital at X address for a possible cardiac arrest. It appears she was found unconscious in her bed. On December 16th 10:31 AM. She is thankfully not in a coma. They were able to shock her heart and revive her. It is an utter miracle that she is along the 2% of patients who are able to recover from cardiac arrest.

January 1st: Hello everyone, I’m back! I’m in the hospital and they have diagnosed me with something that ended in “Nervosa” and I can’t remember what the first part is. All I know is that Mia would be so proud of me. I got a message saying “I’m the official Ana of the website.” And apparently Ana is the highest ranking position. There are many Anas, but there’s only one true perfect Ana. Along with Mia, she promised we’d rule together! I can hear her talking in my head already. Apparently I’m forced to be submitted into an Inpatient facility at a mental hospital for a few months, as well as be supervised and regularly see a dietician, a doctor, and a psychiatrist. I did nothing wrong.. it’s just a diet. Why can’t anyone let me be skinny? Why do they want me to be fat?? I’d rather kill myself than be fat.

January 2cd: I managed to steal a knife off of the medical table while no one was looking. It’s 1:30am and I’m going to do the final step it takes to become a true Ana. Cut off the rest of my fat. My bones are in the way, but I’ll find the fat hiding behind them.

This is what perfection feels like. This is what perfection is. Perfection is death. I am thin and beautiful, and I can already see Mia’s shadowy figure smile at me with glowing fangs across my bed.

ThÁbks For raéDjng this And Becum a Membrrr of THe Dïett!!! -Evangel-AÑNÁ

[queen-karen-3]

No Matter How Much It Destroys You

Corbyn Besson

--

You sat in your dressing room, getting ready for your big day. Your wedding day. Technically, your characters wedding day. You were the main actress for an upcoming movie, she fell in love with someone but she wanted a marriage and he didn't. They broke up and she moved on, but not entirely. She still loved him. And she was getting cold feet at her own wedding. Because she's marrying the wrong man.

You were getting your make up done when Janice, your makeup artist, brought up Corbyn. Your boyfriend.

"So, you guys still fighting?" Janice asked as she did her thing.

"This is the biggest fight we've ever had." You sighed, looking down, afraid you'll start crying.

"You guys love each other too much. You wouldn't break up because of your career. So what you kiss dudes in movies, it's not real. He has legit fans holding him and grabbing him and flaunting themselves at him and you're okay with it, but he can't handle you doing what you love?" She asked, getting a tube of mascara from the vanity.

"I don't think he can get over this. It took him months to even look at me when he saw the first movie of me and Logan kissing. And we weren't even together at the time. We were just talking. But I get it. His ex-cheated on him for months. And he never knew." You were on the brink of crying but you held back tears, knowing that if you did, you wouldn't stop. You felt like everything was falling apart and you can't do anything to stop it.

Finally, after a long day of shooting, you were back in your apartment. Dirty and exhausted. You quickly showered and got ready for bed. However, when you laid in bed all you did was think and worry about Corbyn. He had left for the tour a few days ago and you hadn't spoken since he left after he found out about the role you just landed, having to be Andrew Garfield's love interest. You lost count how many texts you've written but never sent. You lost count of a number of times you watched him and his bandmates Instagram and snapchat stories.  Just looking out for him. He looked happy. That's all you wanted for him. For him to be happy. And if that meant you weren't his girlfriend or even his friend, then that's okay. It destroys you inside but you love him. If you could, you would move mountains for him. By the time morning came, you hadn't slept a single second. You stayed up all night, fighting the tears and thinking of Corbyn.

You went onto the set, with a fake smile and a fake pep in your step. You got to hair and makeup and then went to wardrobe and started filming. When the day ended you found yourself not sleeping again. You found yourself thinking of how happy he must be, touring around the country. Meeting his fans. Playing music. His dream was coming true. But little did you know is that he was miserable without you. He hated the fact that he left when you two were in the middle of a fight. He barely slept. Barely ate. The only reason he was smiling and looking happy was that he has an obligation to his fans and his bandmates. He stayed up late stalking your Instagram posts. As the weeks go by he noticed you didn't post as often. You didn't do your weekly rant on your snapchat story. Or your daily dance videos on your Instagram. Or you didn't tweet your daily 'Good Morning Everyone!'. You were distancing yourself from your social media. And you never do that. You didn't do that when your grandmother died and you were mourning. You didn't do that when you were forced to only 20 minutes on your phone a week because of a shoot. You didn't do that when you were sick with the flu. You didn't do that when you promised your mom you would focus on work rather than social media. You never missed those videos, because your fans loved them.

The fans eventually started to noticed your withdrawal and tweeted at you asking whats wrong. You never tweeted back. You went Social Media AWOL. It wasn't like you at all.

Corbyn had asked his best friends to text you or tweet you asking how you were hanging in, or how the movie is coming along. But all they received was radio silence. Which was crazy because the boys were like your brothers. They all began to worry about you, but they couldn't do anything for the next couple of weeks because of the tour. Because they have priorities. To you, you weren't on that list. But to them, you were number one.

"Corbyn, whats wrong? Worrying about Y/n?" Zach brought Corbyns attention away from his phone to the 16-year-old.

"Uh- yeah. She didn't post her rant story again. I'm getting scared. Something is wrong." Corbyn's voice raspy and breaking. All he wanted to do was cry and hold you in his arms. But you were miles and miles away. He's never regretted anything more than what he said the last time he talked to you.

"One more show and you'll see her," Jonah reassured the heartbroken kid with a pat on the back. But Corbyn just nodded and went back to staring at your recent Instagram post. It was a picture of you on the set of the new movie with the whole cast. 'Excited for the next couple of months working with this great cast' was captioned under the photo. That was 2 and a half months ago. You hadn't posted anything since.

After performing the show, he had the meet and greet. He had met so many fans. Some of them asked about you, others didn't bring you up. Then this one girl asked him how he was doing being separated from you for so long.

"How are you doing with the distance from Y/n?" She asked, pushing up her thick glasses on her nose.

"Uh, not good. It's killing me, being away from her for this long." He admitted, almost wanting to cry. He began to breathe heavily, trying to stop the tears from cascading down his face. "God, just saying this is making me want to cry. I miss her so much."

"I would have imagined her here. Since she lost her role in the movie and all." She brought up, not realizing he didn't know you quit the movie. You hadn't slept or ate. You looked terrible. You felt terrible. When everyone began to notice the fake smiles and laughs, they questioned you about it, but you brushed it off. You began to be late to work and forgetting your lines and having random panic attacks because you felt unresolved. Eventually, you realized you were only holding back the movie, and you quit. But you quit on good terms with the director. When your agent came to visit you after quitting she realized how skinny you were. And how bad you doing since your fight with Corbyn. She had requested for you to go to a clinic to help you. But you refused. You pushed everyone away and locked yourself in your apartment to wallow in self-pity.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, I read online that she was fired or she quit? I don't really know what happened but she's no longer in that new movie with Andrew Garfield." She stated, not realizing how he began to choke on air.

"Corbyn, are you okay?" She asked, noticing he was struggling to breathe properly.

"Yeah. I just... Why can't I breathe?" He asked, going into complete panic mode. He was panting like crazy, tears clouding his vision, his legs giving up on him. He leaned onto the fan for support but eventually fell to the ground. The boys immediately running over to their best friend.

"Corbyn?!" They all shouted, getting to him as well as the guards and other important people.

"What's happening?!" Corbyn asked frantically. He couldn't breathe and he felt like he was going to pass out any second now. Which did happen. A few second after speaking up he had passed out. Making everyone freak a little. But a stage manager had called an ambulance. They drove him to the local hospital in Denver.

"I'm calling Y/n." Jonah shrieked from the passenger's seat in an uber to the hospital.

You were sitting on your couch watching the news when your phone blew up. You normally ignored it until it died but something in your gut was telling you, something is wrong. You turned your phone over, a picture of Jonah making a monkey face popped up. You answered the call, hesitantly.

"Y/n! You picked up!" Jonah sounded astonished that you picked up.

"Yeah?" You asked, your voice breaking. You rarely spoke now and days. All you did was watch videos of Corbyn and the band and stayed in. Not ever really going out or talking to people.

"Corbyn is on his way to the hospital! We're in Denver, Colorado. I know we're a little far, but if you get on the next plane out here, you won't regret it. We don't know what happened." Jonah shouted into his phone. His adrenaline kicking in again.

"I'm on my way!" Your eyes doubled in size and quickly ran to your room. You pull on a pair of leggings, converse, and one of Corbyn’s sweatshirts on and grabbed your bag running out of your apartment. You quickly made it to the airport and bought yourself a ticket for the next plane to Denver.

By the time you arrived at Denver, Corbyn was still in the hospital. They kept running tests to see if it was just a panic attack or something more serious. The boys had never left the hospital, not caring that it was almost 2 in the morning. You took an uber to the hospital, surprising all of the boys of your presence and how you look. No makeup on, hair in a messy bun, and looking skinny as ever. You didn't look too good. But all you felt was a worry, a worry you've never felt before. You still had no idea what happened. The second Jonah called you, you hadn't gone online. Wanting to hear about the events from the boys rather than fans.

"Where is he?" You asked, causing the boys to look over to you, clearly, they were shocked.

"Y/n-" Jack started but the doctor interrupted him.

"Are you all the family of Mr. Besson?" The man asked, scanning over the crowd of people.

"Yes, he's our brother," Jonah spoke up, pulling you in to listen what he has to say.

"All of you?" He asked, looking over to you.

"I'm-"

"His girlfriend." Zach interrupted you, you wanted to cry hearing him say that, but you knew not to.

"Okay." He nodded at you before continuing. "Mr. Besson is going to be just fine. It was merely a panic attack from the stress, most likely. We'll be releasing him within the next half hour."

Everyone had let go a breath they didn't know they were holding him. Tears began to crawl down your face, feeling relieved he was going to be okay.

"Miss, you can go and see him if you want." He guided you to his room. When you walked in you realized how bad he looked too. He was skinnier, his hair was flat, his eyes didn't sparkle the way they used to. The nurse was sitting on the side of his bed, telling him how not sleeping and eating is bad for anyone and that no matter what is going on in life, you need to take care of yourself. But when he heard the curtain move, he looked at you and his heart rate went up. Alarming the nurses and doctors.

"Y/n?" Tears welled up in his eyes, as did yours. All you wanted to do was hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright.

"Hi." You whispered, afraid that if you spoke any louder you'd wake up from some dream.

"Please tell me you see her there too?" Corbyn asked the nurse. She turned and saw how bad you looked as well. She nodded her head as Corbyn.

"You both need to eat and sleep." She said before giving you time alone. His heartbeat still going crazy. You smiled for the first time in what felt like years!

"Get over here Buttercup, I'm all connected to machines." He spoke with tears going down his face, his voice breaking a little.

You quickly walked over to the bed and held onto his hand.

"You always had to be so dramatic." You made a small joke, looking down at your connect hands.

"It's the only way to get your attention." He whispered, looking at you, waiting for you to look up at him. When you didn't he brought his fingers to under your chin and made you look at him. Tears started to stream down your face.

"I'm so sorry for everything I said when you left." You sobbed, climbing into the bed with him, his arms wrapping around you. He ran his fingers through your hair, trying to calm you down before you pass out too.

"I'm sorry too. Damn, have I missed you." He said, trying and failing to hold back his own tears. He kissed your forehead.

"I quit the movie." You whispered after having calmed down.

"I know." He whispered back. His fingers never stopped from playing with your hair. "What happened?"

"If you couldn't tell, I stopped sleeping, eating, I was always late to work, I was forgetting my lines. I had a couple of mini panic attacks. I was a mess. So I quit. I couldn't put the cast through having a terrible actress." You explained, cuddling closer to his chest. Inhaling his scent.

"What happened to you? How'd you end up in the hospital?" It was your turn to ask him.

"I- uh. I was talking to a fan. She brought you up and your split from the movie. I couldn't breathe. I was worried sick because I noticed you went completely AWOL on social media. You never texted or called the guys back. My mind had only one thing going through it, and it was you. I was worried about how you were. Because I was terrible. I was a complete mess." He explained. You smiled, closing your eyes, feeling sleep taking over.

"We can be a mess together." You sighed, officially falling asleep in the arms of the love of your life. Corbyn had already been drifting off to sleep, but he stayed awake until he knew you had fallen asleep too.

"I love you Y/n." He whispered to you before falling asleep, hold you closer than ever before.

--

Can I just say, this is one long ass imagine.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother when Ted Mosby gave this huge speech on what love is. I legit cried... and not because I'm about to go off to college and I just worked my last shift at my job.

9/13/2017

[eating-tubbs]

tw: eating disorder, self esteem issues, overall bad dark thoughts

i think today really reinvigorated my desire to lose weight. im struggling to break 160. i weighted myself last week and i was 162. its so hard! i think i will for sure not eat any sweets anymore. i think im better at tracking my food intakes now and just seeing how much food i am eating. going out w friends is tough because i am doing something else so i dont really pay attention to how im eating and what im eating. i ate this large sandwich with beed and fries and then i had a small milk tea w boba and i am still so bloated and heavy. im so heavy jfc.

[the following are bad thoughts i am having and i want to just get it out of my system but please don’t listen to them]

so i was chatting with a few friends today and they talked about how they get nauseous when they eat because of anxiety so they don’t eat for weeks on end; they will only take down a few bites of food before they just stop and don’t eat. this might be super toxic thinking but i legit started thinking something was wrong with me. i realize this is the same mentality all my girl friends have had. these are always their stories! they all eat soo little and they know to stop and not eat anymore. i never did that! i eat so much and without thought. i feel like something is wrong with me where i never got the memo of like eating a “good” quantity and stopping. 

this is why im fat; this is what is wrong with me. i am so bitter and just angry at myself that im not skinny like the other girls because i don’t get nauseous when it comes to food. i literally don’t have an issues with food other than it makes me fat. it makes me big and i feel like a fucken elephant when i eat in front of other people especially other girls. i feel like i am like this -- that i hate myself and body is because i don’t listen. i went into the territory of thinking “i wish i had something wrong with me so i know how to understand food and not overeat and therefore not fat” and it spiral deeper into no man will love you, you’re never gonna look good in photographs, you will never be like your pretty friends, you will always be behind the camera/scene because you shouldn’t be seen, etcetc.

i felt confident today. i felt confident enough to let a friend take photos of me BUT ITS SO BADDD MY FACE IS BAD MY DOUBLE CHIN IS BAD AND I THOUGHT I WAS STEADILY LOSING WEIGHT BUT I AM LITERALLY STILL SO ROUND AND SO BIG. why did i feel confident??? im so delusional.

my god seeing those photographs on my stupid camera makes me want to puke. im so disgusted with myself and just so angry that i thought something was happening; i thought my body was changing. no nothing is happening!!! i should pin up these ugly photos to remind myself how fucken ugly i look. jfc. nobody wants me in photos because i am so ugly. my heart is breaking. i will never be pretty and loved and all these photos of me is disgusting!! if i die i will only have these ugly photos to remember me by wtf.

i know these thoughts are toxic and i know i shouldnt tie my self worth to my physical appearance. i know i shouldn’t!! but i can’t help it!!! i see all my pretty, thin framed friends and just think they are enough. they dont have to worry about their physical appearance like me. they dont have to calorie track! they can just eat and be themselves and not be self conscious about how much certain areas jiggle and how unflattering they look in photos. they jsut pose and it turns out amazing. i want to be there! i want to be that confident. i thought i could be but im so not.

but u know what. i think what triggered this repulsed reaction was just them. one was taking photos are weird angles and didn’t tell me how to pose. and she definitely lose a large amount of weight! she was wearing shorts! she looked good! the other friend was kind of mean because as i was being photographed by that friend, she was like oh god i can’t be watching this, or something along those lines like shes getting second embarrassment for me to be trying to pose. and im not super ashamed and super uncomfortable in my skin. shes not wrong, and she was not helping.

fuck im so sick of being my own skin. these are bad thoughts i know. i shouldn’t let that friend do that to me. i shouldn’t let myself be so ashamed of my body. i should cherish it because i am fortunate in so many ways. i know i will be loved regardless of my physical appearance and just maybe someone will love my physical appearance too. i know that! i am trying but i am sad today! i am sad and bitter and i want to be bitter for a bit!

im just so frustrated. im turning 25 in a few months and ive tried every single fucken year since people shamed me about my physical appearance to lose weight and get it down to 120 and i’ve always failed. i thought i was changing but i am really not. im still the same old me. the same and i don’t change and im so frustrated by that. im just so so sad.

[purplesurveys]

703

What was the brand of your first ever cell phone? It was a Nokia. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? Mmm at the moment it would be Twitter, YouTube... and Twitter? Hahaha I don’t typically go on a bunch of sites these days.

Do you have a favorite pair of blue jeans? Describe them. Yeah my current favorite are my mom jeans. They’re high-waisted, fit but not skinny, they’re basically really comfy to wear and they go well with every top. What profession do you respect? All jobs are worthy of respect but at the moment I particularly admire the frontliners from doctors and nurses to grocery clerks to janitors. All fucking badass in their own ways. Have you ever been the recipient of a practical joke? Minor ones in the past. Was never a fan.

Have you ever ate something you've dropped on the floor, if so what? Yep. I always eat food I drop on the floor/ground but the one time it ended up being nasty for me was when I dropped a couple of siomai, picked them up and ate them, and they turned out to have a bit of gravel already D: Would you consider being an Uber driver if you needed to make extra money? Yeah why not? The job sounds pretty cool honestly. I’d love to earn money just by driving and still helping people in the process. How do you know when you're in love, what's the main sign? I stare. I do it secretly, but I still stare. That or I act increasingly aloof around them. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? I didn’t watch them put an autograph on it but I’ve bought something that was personally signed at some point. I got a signed AJ Lee poster that was being sold on WWE Shop. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? I wouldn’t know which one is better or has more stuff. What do you long for? Restaurant food. Window shopping. Taking strolls at the mall. DRIVING. If you could be a personal assistant to anyone, who would it be? I wanna say Beyoncé but I feel like I’d just be intimidated by her? Lmao  so I’d go with Chrissy Teigen. I want someone who’s gonna be as clumsy as I am. What is the most important thing you can do to improve yourself? Go to a therapist or psychiatrist, for a start. What makes it hard for you to keep your focus? Usually it’s social media. When I’m working I always have to have Twitter and/or Facebook either open in existing tabs, or I open tabs to quickly check them every ten minutes or so and then close them. Do you think society has become too PC (politically correct)? Yeah but I honestly don’t mind it because it at least means people are taking steps in becoming more sensitive. What tragic love story do you relate to? I dunno, I haven’t had a tragic relationship experience myself. If anything though the plot of Hello Love Goodbye hits home quite hard. Has your intuition or "gut" served you well? Ugh, quite often. And it’s always my gut feeling for worst case scenarios that turn out to be true, which sucks even more. What's the longest you've ever waited in line for something and what was it? Driver’s license. Took seven hours lining up for the damn thing. Who is your favorite model? HAHAHAHAHAHA I always stay quiet about this cos she’s such an unpopular choice, but I really have a bias for Kendall Jenner byeeeeeeeeee. But Kiko Mizuhara is beautiful, too. What have you done that is out of character for you? Take up an externals VP position. I’ve never been the type, but I took on the job because no one else would take it and I didn’t want my org to die. Would you rather get a gift card or a gift that someone bought for you? Honestly it’s the thought that counts. If they believed I’d love a gift card to somewhere I like like a bookstore, I’d love it. If they bought me something they remembered me in, I’d love it just as much. Who is the most visionary person in your life & how do they inspire you? Gabie. She’s just so hardworking, so ambitious, she takes no shit and it’s all I want to see in people. How do you handle a betrayal? Cutting ties. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? The current administration in general, anything that aims to glorify the piece of shit that was Ferdinand Marcos, media censorship or journalist killings, any anti-poor policy. What's the biggest blooper you've never lived down? The one time we were playing Heads Up and instead of saying puto bumbong I said puto bimbing. It’s ALLLLLLLWAYS brought up to me at family reunions, and honestly it’s pretty damn funny so I laugh along with my relatives hahaha. I’m trying to think of an equivalent in English so you can understand how ridiculous it sounds in Filipino and it’s pretty much on the same tier as that viral post that talks about how they said “Are you fucking sorry?!” when they wanted to say “Are you okay?” but also “I’m fucking sorry” at the same time HAHAHAH If you owned a restaurant what kind of food do you want to serve? Probably Mexican or Tex-Mex comfort food. It seems to be a hit in Filipino markets and it has similar ingredients to our own food. What will we find if we look in the bottom of your closet today? A buuuunch of old books that were assigned readings to me in grade school and high school, children’s encyclopedias, some book series I’ve had since I was a kid, other lesser-known short novels. So books, basically. What kind of car did you learn how to drive on? In driving school I was taught in a sedan, but when I was done with the classes I practiced some more in my current car, a hatchback. What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can't? Cutting class. Have you ever had to go to court or testify and if so what for? Nope. Do you believe in karma? Sure. Not in a religious way, but the idea that people who do shitty stuff have their ass handed back to them at some point in the future is a comforting thought. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right thing? Doing the right thing, as someone who’s afraid of punishment or getting caught lmao. Do you believe in the term "Mother knows best?” Not always. My mom can be pretty tone-deaf about a number of stuff. Who is your favorite movie action hero? Not a fan of action and not a fan of superheroes. What is one thing you can get in your hometown you can't get elsewhere? My city always makes me feel nostalgic and getting to the top is always magical. I’ve never felt the same anywhere else. How important are looks in someone you're in a relationship with? Pretty important but it’s not everything. I had a crush on Gabie mainly because of her looks but I also considered dating Mike even though I didn’t find him good-looking, so it varies. What freedom do you feel is not really free anymore? LMAO going to the fucking washroom. I dunno the situation anywhere else but some high-end malls in Manila will CHARGE you ₱5 or ₱10 for going to their washrooms. Like what the fuck?????? It’s so ridiculously pretentious that I completely avoid those malls out of sheer annoyance. What are you most thankful for? It’s gonna sound so privileged but at this point I’m grateful I have a roof under my head, parents who can afford to feed us as many times in a day as we’d like, and a comfortable home. You have to understand how my country is very behind in terms of living conditions, so anyone living in a legit house who can eat 2-3 times a day and doesn’t even think about receiving relief goods is already insanely lucky. Do you have any favorite talk shows or talk radio programs without music? Not really. I do have a favorite radio show but they still play music in between. What was the last book you read? Fast Food Nation - had to read it for a class. What's your favorite online store? I think I’ve gotten most of my purchases from Lazada. What band would you love to tour with or be a roadie for? Paramore. What's your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Depends. I’m ok with water most days but when I wanna treat myself I go for a crazy sweet milkshake. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? Cool! There are plenty hidden gems in those. What do you like to put gravy on? Rustic fried chicken. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? Yeah, we canoed in Palawan. It was one of the most calming experiences ever and I’m really itching to do it again.

What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? Right now it’s how great I look with bangs hahahahaha. I can’t believe I didn’t get these sooner. What is priceless to you? My 12 year old dog relearning how to go down the stairs. What do you wait for discount sales to buy? I don’t really pay attention to discounts. What is one thing you know about your family history you're proud of? How inclined most of my ancestors were towards history. The phrase “runs in the blood” has never felt truer.

What 3 songs will always be found at the top of your playlist? Pool by Paramore, From Eden by Hozier, and I Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House. What is the craziest thing you've ever done for someone? Drive through punishing Metro Manila traffic to surprise my girlfriend for all of five minutes, then head to school for my class. Do you keep a budget? Nah. With my weekly allowance I just try to save as much as I can every week. If you could cast a spell on someone what spell would you cast and on who? Nothing evil. I just want my girlfriend to be appear beside me because I haven’t seen her in a month now. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? A nap? Because isn’t that what naps do? Lmao What is the funniest joke you have ever heard about? I’ve encountered funny ones but I can’t seem to think of any right now. Who depends on you the most? Idk, my parents probably. Could you ever be someone's bodyguard? Nah. Has one of your biggest fears come true? I don’t really have a fear that’s a scenario, so no. Is there anything about the opposite sex you just don't understand? Why they get so fragile when someone criticizes what’s wrong with some men. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? I haven’t let Gabie do it for me but I’ve always considered the idea just in case something I’m involved with blows up too much. Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? Nah, it’s so unrealistic. If so, what were two things you wanted? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? I’ve ridden a train once. And it wasn’t even during rush hour so I didn’t get the authentic experience haha. It was cold in the train, not a lot of people in it, and I felt like a tourist the whole time. What song on your playlist gets played the most? I have multiple playlists and each have their most-played songs. Have you ever received a harsher punishment than you deserved? Hate punishments and always try to do the right thing to avoid them, so I can’t remember the last time I actually got punished. Do you prefer sporty or academic members of the opposite sex? Lmaoooo the usage of ‘members’ here is hilarious, like being a woman is being part of an organization sksk. I don’t mind what they’re into, as long as it’s not disturbing. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? That’s what I prefer, personally. Has anyone in your family ever served in the military? Yeah my great-grandfather was a World War II general. What embarrasses you instantly? Slipping, falling, or tripping. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? It’s what I wanted to be growing up but nah I’m not fit for it. You have to have incredible strength to be a firefighter and I can barely lift anything heavy. I also have a low tolerance for pain/discomfort, so there’s that. Oh and the fact that I’m afraid of FIRE. Do you often read your horoscope? I never read about my horoscope. What current event are you tired of hearing about? I’m tired of our president calling for a stupid state of the nation address almost every fucking night at 10 PM that’s always filled with empty words and absolutely no concrete plans to address the virus. I can’t stress this enough - Y’ALL ARE INSANELY!!! LUCKY!!! WITH YOUR GOVERNMENTS!!!!!!!!! Are you a daredevil? Far from it. I prefer being a goody two shoes. What common pitfalls do you find yourself dealing with in your work life? Don’t have work yet. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Yes for historical. I’ve already listed them down and what they did in old surveys; I don’t really wanna get into it again right now. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Yep. For best friends, close friends, and friends in desperate cases. How do you encourage yourself when you go through hard times? I think about how far I’ve come or how I’ve never failed anything I’ve had to face or come across. Have you ever fired a gun? Never. I really want to though! I’d love to go to a shooting range after the shitstorm that is this quarantine. How are you different from most people? I dunno. But don’t we have our own ways of being different? What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Apologizing to your kids if you’re the one who’s wrong. What creature do you admire for its ability to adapt? Cockroaches, even though I think they’re pieces of shit and are ugly. Have you ever stayed up for an entire 24 hours, why? No, I wouldn’t dare. I get very cranky when I lack sleep, so I don’t wanna test my limits by going 24 hours without it. Who is a female role model in your life? Don’t really believe in role models but the closest thing I have as an inspiration is AJ Lee/April Mendez. What childhood dreams have you neglected? This sounds so tragic lmao but there are a couple I’ve had to come to terms with that they’re just not realistic, like being an astronaut or a vet. How often do you reevaluate your life? Not a lot; I don’t really focus on that because it would only make me anxious. What's your favorite place just to hang out? Skywalk, my org’s common area. What gives you a zest for life? Idk, good news? What three things do you think of most of each day? What I have to do for the day, making sure all the bullets in my to-do list are met, going home to my dog at the end of the day.   Would you travel to space if possible? For sure. Name a famous person you wouldn't mind for a business partner. Jay-Z.

[ideocosmonaut]

surveyzzz

When was the last time you went in the car past midnight? Gosh it had to have been sometime early this year driving home from an after party So, you have brown eyes? Nope What was the last thing you ate? Chocolate pretzels Can you say you’re happy? No but I manage

What’s bothering you right now? Mostly anxiety and loneliness

Who was the last person to text you? A friend What are you drinking right now? Nothing What all did you do today? I got groceries and went to a little thing called Weekend of the Witches. And I worked on some art. Why did you last laugh really hard? I dont remember How is your hair? Freshly cut Could things possibly get any better? I hope so How are you feeling at the moment? A bit tired Do you have feelings for someone? Yes What was for dinner tonight? Chips and onion dip lol Would you be able to name everyone you kissed? Yeah that’s easy Are you in a good mood? Im okay Where is the last person you kissed? Im not sure What color shirt are you wearing? N/a Do you think you could ever make it as a rap singer? Nope How important are looks to you? Important if I’m actively looking for someone. It’s what causes me to interact. But if I get to know someone first, say through work or friends, and then fall for them, then it doesnt matter what they look like. Did you have a fling this summer but it didn’t really go anywhere? Nope Do you get jealous? A bit Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? I kissed my mom on the forehead when she died, if that counts. What is something you currently want? Love and warmth. Security. Affection. What was the last thing you bought? Groceries What was the weather like today? Rainy Do you like sushi? Love it Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? No What about a lip piercing? No Nose piercing? No Do you like your hair? It’s alright Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend? No Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? I dunno man Ever made out in a pool? No The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? N/a What was the last movie you watched? Scott Pilgrim vs The World

What do you usually get on a sub? Whatever comes on a cuban, I’m not sure. Some kind of meat, cheese, pickles, mayo and mustard.

Do your lips taste like anything right now? Maybe onions...

Are you an annoyed big sibling or annoying little sibling? (Or neither…) A distant big sibling

Do you have a pair of those ‘nerd’ glasses? Yes

Have you ever watched the Glee Project? No

When does school start for you? Never

Who is always there for you? My friends usually

What ticks you off? Bullying and blaming without evidence

Where is the last place you were other then where you are right now? A place called Southern Trash

Why do you act the way you do? Cuz they dont think it be like it is, but it do

How do you feel about the last person you kissed? Well I love my mom

When are you the happiest? While traveling and experiencing cities and countries for the first time

Who do you get along with the best? My friends

What color is your remote control for the main TV you watch? Black

Where is your heart currently at? My left side

Why do you usually laugh — something funny happened or someone got hurt? Something funny happened wtf

How are you feeling today? Meh

When is your birthday? Sept 17

What do you spend most of your money on: Food, clothes, etc. ? Aside from bills, food

Is there anything around your neck right now? Nope

Do you ever feel like you’re alone in this world? Kind of in a way

Don’t you just adore Simple Plan? No

Lol, Lawl, Rotfl, Lmao, or Lmfao? (Which you use most) Lol

Do you ever watch info-mercials for fun? Sometimes

Where do you usually shop at? Publix

When do/did you turn 21? 2006

Are friendship bracelets cool? (Even if they’re not for a friendship) Maybe. Nostalgia is big

Have you/Do you know anyone that grows weed? Yeah

Do you really care about namebrands? Unfortunately. I have to avoid a lot of big names in favor of other specific names because of my size

Describe your favorite pair of jeans to me please. Tapered

Do you think it means more if someone takes the time to type: I love you; rather then ILY? Sure

To wash in the shower, do you use a loofa? No

What brand is your shampoo? I forget. It’s some tea tree shit

Have you ever ridden on a horse? Yes

How many questions make a survey too long? Like 1000

Do you know what ‘savvy’ means? Kind of

Ever get a craving for a salad? I do. Sometimes

Who’s your favorite celebrity? Bill Murray probably

Which is better: Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Myspace or Skype? They’re all terrible wastes of time imo. But I enjoy making my friends laugh with memes on FB

Does it bug you when people do things to try and bug you?

Yes

Do you like going to Borders?

What?

Is your local Borders shutting down? Mine is. Huh?

Little dogs: Cute or annoying? Depends

Is there a dream catcher in your room? No

Do storms scare or fascinate you? I like them

Are you polite? Usually, unless someone isnt

Ever been so tired a part of your body hurt? Yes

Did you ever pretend you were someone else as a favor for a friend? Not as a favor... Do you think men prefer curvy women or skinny women? I think they like a lot of different things Do you own a water gun? Somewhere What item most embarrasses you to purchase? Junk food

Do you know any actual dances or do you just move to the music? I just move baby

Do you eat pork and beans? I have What is the last thing you referred to as legit? Who knows Do you give cards to people for holidays or events? No I dont understand why thats a thing

Do you have anything hanging from the ceiling of your room? Nope Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. My dad’s dad lost a finger in the Navy. My mom’s dad was in Knights of Columbus and left me his sword. Which do you prefer, doctor or dentist? I’ve met nicer dentists, oddly Are any walls of your room blank? Yes What color are your favorite shoes? Black If someone was willing to tell the person you like that you liked them, would you let them? I already have Do you know the zodiac signs of your friends? Not since they added the new one Do you drink any hot beverages? What? Tea sometimes Name two things you put whipped cream on? Frappes and Strawberry shortcake Who is the last person who saw you with bare feet? My friends Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? If its mine Do you know how to ride a bike? Do you own one? Yes and no What was the last pill you took for? Pain Any friends you only know online? Kind of Do you ever talk to your next door neighbor? Nope

Did anything shock you today? Like all the shelves in Publix. Zapped me a bunch of times. Are you wearing a hoodie right now? No Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? I like loose but it doesnt look good on me Are your favorite pants jeans? Pants are the devil Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? I dont really paint. Id like to Are there any songs that remind you of your mother? Yes If you had a sister, would you prefer her older or younger? Why? I do What is something you wanted to say today, but didn’t? Nothing I guess

What’s the last thing you panicked about?   Im not sure. I think nicotine used to raise my blood pressure sky high and cause me to have a panic attack so I had to quit smoking. What do you have planned out as a career?   Nothing. I only plan to die so far Are you planning any special outings with family or friends?   Kind of

Which word(s) do you generally use to describe someone attractive? (e.g. “fit”, “sexy” etc.)   Gorgeous

What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Did you like it?   Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It’s alright Who is that last person who harassed and annoyed you? Some internet pleb Who is the last person who made you feel hurt? Some friends... What was the last thing you were worried about?   Dying alone probably. It’s always there What time of day feels the most magical to you?   3 am What is the last physical ailment you took medication for?   Headache Do you get motion sickness?   I used to Who is the cutest baby you know? Dante. RIP Have you ever thrown a rock at a window? Probably Has anyone ever thrown a rock at your window?   Maybe Does your hair react well to dye, or does it damage it?   I dunno What kind of pet do you wish you had?   A living plushie that doesnt need to eat or pee. And also doesnt feel the need to murder... When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Years ago Do you still live at home or with a guardian of some sort? If so, when do you plan on moving out, if ever? If you have moved out, how did your relationship to your parents change after that?   No, I saw them a lot less but I still love them

When was the last time you were diagnosed with something? Are you concerned about anything regarding your physical or mental health at the moment?   Years ago. Yeah but I’m an idiot and a hypochondriac  What’s the longest you’ve gone without talking to other people? How did this affect you? Couple days. Happens sometimes on weekends What is one blanket judgment you tend to make about people (like, you judge all people who live at home, all people who drink, etc)? Does this judgment come from a particular personal experience?   I try not to judge anyone really. I do playfully but not realistically. Everyone has their reasons, whether they be right or wrong and usually people just judge them instead of trying to learn about why they are that way and maybe help them. Like prisoners. People are people. Most are misunderstood or ignorant. What is something seemingly small and inconsequential that will cause you to avoid a person?   If I do something to upset them

How do you react to other people yelling or slamming doors? Is this something you ever do too?   It happened a lot in my childhood. I’d rather just not get angry but it happens. One second of anger usually costs me a weeks worth of apologies. It’s a tad expensive. Who in your life do you get along with best? How about the least? How often do you have to interact with these people?   My best friend. My boss. Usually a lot Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? Yeah. Got reprimanded. Shock and awe. Was a long, long time ago.

When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? What about the last time you did something right just because it was right? Morally? Or just like running a red light? I do little things all the time. I’m not perfect. Morally, umm hmm... I’m not sure. Probably not since I was a teenager. I hold doors for people all the time. I donate sometimes. I tend to stay in the middle mostly. Zen. Ying and yang.

When you do good things, do you do them because you want some sort of reward or recognition or do you do them just for the sake of being good? I just enjoy being nice. I do all the little things I can think of. When you fill out social media bios and such, how do you typically describe yourself? Is describing yourself something you have a difficult time doing?   Yeah actually. I usually just end up deflecting with dumb comedic phrases What is one unusual belief you have? Has anyone ever made fun of you for your beliefs?   I dont have any unusual beliefs. Ive always said I’d take up scientology for the perks though lol Have you taken anyone’s virginity?   No Who has the power to break you? Feels like everyone but I know its just me How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? A few What’s one thing about you people wouldn’t expect?   Idk. I’m kind of a robosexual Have you ever been in therapy? Are you now? Do you think you always will be, or do you think there will come a time when you don’t need it anymore? No but I should be What is the most dangerous thing you do on a regular basis?   Probably eat junk food. I used to self-harm but it wasnt really dangerous. I suppose my thoughts can be considered dangerous then Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe?   No

Is anyone in your family blind?   No What’s your favorite gaming system?   PC

Is your more photogenic side your left or right?   Idk they’re both kinda fug Do you believe in evolution?   Yes What job do you think people should be paid the most for?   Any job that puts you directly into harms way, followed by jobs that involve removing people from harms way. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? From a distance What was your favorite stuffed animal as a kid? What was it named? A T-Rex my dad got me from a business trip. He didnt have a name Were you ever held back a year in school? Did you ever skip a grade? Nope Have you ever been given a hickey? Have you given one? No Who was the last person to kiss your cheek?   My aunt I guess Where’s the farthest you’ve been from home?   Maine