#I was doing pretty well for today and now I’m just in a foul mood

[justagalwhowrites]

Turkey Trouble - A TSATS Thanksgiving One Shot

You try to make Thanksgiving dinner for your newly adopted niece, Ellie, but need some help from Joel. A one shot set in the The Savage and the Sanctuary universe.

Pairing: Bodyguard!Joel Miller x Movie Star!Female Reader (from The Savage and the Sanctuary)

Length: 1.7k

CW: SFW; lil angst; modern no outbreak AU but Sarah is still dead (sorry Joel); NO SMUT; no use of Y/N; whole fic this is set in has mature themes and will have smut so minors DNI 18+ only

A/N: You can thank @diversemediums for this because she gave me the brain rot. This would be harder to read as a stand alone fic but it can be done with the understanding that Joel is reader's bodyguard and they have an antagonistic relationship. Reader has recently adopted her best friend's daughter, Ellie, after her friend's death. I'm not sure yet if this is canon or not but it could be? I haven't written to this time in the story yet but I THINK this is about where they'll be emotionally at Thanksgiving.

Joel hated Thanksgiving. 

He used to like it. Back when he was a father he liked it. He and Sarah would watch the parade, he’d make cinnamon rolls and the whole dinner spread, Tommy would bring over burnt mac and cheese and the three of them would go to Waffle House and to pick out a Christmas tree the next morning. 

Now, it was all a reminder of everything he’d lost, of just how little he had left to live for. 

So he took his time getting out of bed on Thanksgiving morning, not looking forward to spending the day missing something he could never have again, something that seemed even more painful when he was facing it with you and Ellie. 

But, eventually, his need for coffee forced him to move and he padded to the kitchen, not bothering to change out of the flannel pants and t-shirt he’d slept in. 

Ellie was on the couch with a mug of cocoa and a cinnamon roll, the parade on and she smirked at him. 

“Well don’t you look pretty in the morning,” she teased. 

“It’s Thanksgiving,” he said, trying to not take his foul mood out on the kid he’d become overly fond of in the last few months. “Not in the mood for a fashion show today.” 

“Oh so the jeans are a fashion show,” she said. “Got it.” 

He rolled his eyes and headed for the kitchen. 

“Careful,” she called after him. “She’s in a mood.” 

“Great,” he muttered, pressing on, anyway. 

You were, indeed, in a mood, standing at your massive kitchen island with a turkey that was far too big for the number of people you were feeding, frowning at a recipe, your hands covered in butter. 

Joel snorted. 

“The hell are you doin’?” 

You looked up to find him, seemingly surprised to find him there.

“Making a turkey,” you said. “What does it look like?” 

“Looks like you’re making a mess,” he said, going around you for the mugs and pouring himself a cup of coffee. 

“Well, cooking is messy,” you said, chin up defiantly. 

“Not that messy,” he said, smirking a little as he leaned back against the counter, crossing an arm over his chest while he drank his coffee. “Where’s Esmo.” 

“It’s Thanksgiving,” you said, incredulous. “I’m not about to ask her to work.” 

“Right,” he said, even though he definitely should have seen that coming when he thought about it. “You ever made a Thanksgiving dinner before?” 

“None of your business,” you said, going back to the turkey and trying to smear butter over it and failing. 

“It is if I’m stuck using this kitchen,” he said. “You’re gonna get salmonella everywhere.”

You glared at him. 

“Well there’s a first time for everything,” you said. “And all I have to do is follow the recipe, so…” 

Joel shoved himself off the counter and looked over your shoulder, down at the recipe. It was not, as he’d expected, some bullshit celebrity cookbook but a simple, handwritten index card. 

He skimmed the instructions and realized that there were parts missing that were probably simple assumptions that you just didn’t know about. 

“Where’s this from?” He asked. 

“Anna,” you said. “Ellie’s mom. She’s hosted Thanksgiving and made a legitimately amazing turkey, Ellie loved it even as a little kid. I should have paid more attention last year but I was stupid and I didn’t and I just want Ellie to have a normal Thanksgiving and I have Anna’s recipe and I just need to figure it out…”

Joel’s chest tightened at that. You wanted Ellie to have a good Thanksgiving, a holiday that was like the ones she had before her mother died. She deserved that. And Joel understood why you’d be dead set on being the one to give it to her. 

He cleared his throat before he got too choked up, trying to remind himself of the distance he’d been struggling to maintain with you. 

“Well, you’re doing it wrong,” he said, taking a sip of coffee. 

You glared at him. 

“Unless you’re some Thanksgiving dinner expert…” 

“Made more than you have,” he said, almost smug. 

“Really,” you said brows raised, incredulous. He shrugged. “You’ve made a turkey.” 

“Sure,” he said. “Plenty. Not sure if you know this but most people don’t got private chefs at their beck and call…” 

“Oh, fuck off.” 

“Do you want my help or not?” He asked. 

“I wasn’t aware you were offering,” you said. 

“Well,” he shrugged. “I am.” 

You ground your teeth for moment before you sighed, literally throwing up your hands. 

“Fine,” you said. “Show me.” 

“Well,” he said, putting his cup down. “For starters…” 

He stuck his hand inside the cavity of the bird and found the neck, pulling it free and holding it up. 

“You gotta take this out.” 

You laughed and groaned. 

“Jesus,” you said. “Alright, Big Miller, show me how it’s done.” 

Joel had to give you credit, you’d done a better job than he’d expected once he took a closer look at the bird. He helped get the rest of dinner ready to go, giving you smaller tasks to do while he managed the turkey. With the two of you working together, you were both able to make it to the living room before the parade was done, sitting on either side of Ellie and watching the musical acts perform and the floats go by. 

Part of him hurt, sitting there with a girl who wasn’t his daughter doing something that had once felt sacred. He didn’t let himself hurt like that anymore, he tried to drown it or shove it down deep as best he could but sometimes he just couldn’t. He couldn’t now. 

But, for some reason, it didn’t bother him the same way this time. Hearing Ellie make a bad pun (“Did you know they took turkey off the menu for Thanksgiving? I suspect fowl play.”), watching you bob your head in time to a musical number, smelling the turkey once it had been in the oven for a bit, even the taste of the coffee with the cinnamon roll warmed something inside him. The pain of loss was still there but so was this strange sense that it didn’t need to consume all of him. That there could be moments worth living for, things that weren’t defined by the missing pieces - even if that piece felt like everything. 

You got the hang of basting relatively quickly and Joel showed you how to make the other Thanksgiving staples, things that he’d once made for his daughter that he was now making for the girl who had become yours. When Elise, Ellie’s grandmother, came over that afternoon, things had come together well. 

“Where’d you learn how to do this?” You asked Joel as you arranged the last of the dishes on the laden dining room table. “You don’t strike me as the chef type.” 

Joel looked at you for a moment and considered telling you the truth, at least for a second. Part of him wanted you to know this, know him. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to say it, her name getting stuck in his throat. 

Instead he just shrugged, setting down a bowl of mashed potatoes. 

“Tommy ain’t much of a cook,” he said. “When our mom died, Thanksgiving didn’t make itself.” 

You cocked your head at him for a moment, like you were trying to decide if he was telling the truth, and then nodded slowly, like you were filing information away. 

“Well, thank you,” you said. “You really did save the day.” 

He shrugged again and took his place at the table with you, Ellie and Elise. 

When the meal was over and the dishes were done, he tried to keep to his room but instead found himself drawn away, something inside him tugging him toward the rest of the world. He went to the living room and found you on the couch, your legs tucked alongside yourself as you watched a movie. 

“Leftovers are in the fridge,” you said, barely glancing his way. 

He grunted and acted like he was walking toward the kitchen but, instead, stopped behind the couch, watching the movie, too. 

“What is this?” He asked eventually. 

You glanced over your shoulder at him and then back at the screen. 

“Love, Actually,” you said. “I used to watch it with Anna after Ellie was in bed on Thanksgiving. Have you seen it?” 

“Heard of it,” he said. “Ain’t seen it, though.” 

“It’s these individual stories about all these different kinds of love. I’m only a few minutes in if you want to watch,” you said, looking at him almost hopefully. He was taken aback, silent for a beat too long and you shook your head. “Never mind…” 

“No,” he said quickly. “Just… yeah, I can watch.” 

“Yeah?” You asked, brows raised. 

“Sure,” he shrugged. “Not like I’m going fuckin’ black Friday shopping in the morning.” 

He sat on the opposite end of the massive couch from you but, over time, drifted closer until the two of you were beside each other. Not touching but a sense of familiarity he wasn’t used to anymore hanging over you both. 

“So,” you said when the movie ended, tears clinging to your eyelashes. “What’d you think?” 

“Not bad,” he said. “Not sure it’s my thing but… not bad.” 

You smiled a little at that. 

“I should get to bed though,” he said. 

“Right,” you said, drying your eyes as he got up. “Hey, Joel?” 

“Hm.” 

“Thank you,” you said. “For everything you did today. I’d have fucked it all up without your help and Ellie deserves better and just… thank you.” 

“Sure,” Joel said. “It… it was nice. Best Thanksgiving I’ve had in a while.” 

“Really?” You asked, brows raised. 

He nodded, the truth of that clutching hard at his chest, just how much you and Ellie had come to mean to him in the months he’d been protecting you, this keen vulnerability settling in him at that thought. 

But he’d deal with that later. He wasn’t going to let it ruin shit now. 

“Yeah,” he said. “It was.’

[sharkieboi]

friend drove me home from work so that I could finally take my heavyass crockpot home, building-mate is talking and smoking outside with a dude I don’t know, roll out of the car and walk up and making small talk with him, other dude interrupts us and says “Were you born as a woman? Did you used to be a woman?”

😐

and then doubled down when I try to avoid the question. I said “that’s really rude I don’t want to talk about that” and he goes “Oh so I was right! See I’m right!!!”

[spectersgirl]

sunshine!reader (not a lawyer) visiting her boyfriend harvey in the office for the first time??? He’s not shy to show her off and everyone is shocked that he is so soft and affectionate with her

This is v cute, i am once again begging the universe for my Y/N moment lmaoooo

More Than You Know

Harvey Specter x Reader

Harvey had been in one of his moods today, and the whole firm knew it. Pretty much everyone had left him alone, letting him deal with whatever had gotten into him on his own. Donna, however, had a better plan. She dialed your number, watching Harvey work in his office as she waited for you to pick up.

Donna was the only person at the firm that you had met, only having been in a relationship with Harvey for around 6 months. If it were up to Harvey, you would’ve met everyone he knew the second you agreed to a first date with him, but you were a bit more apprehensive and wanted to keep your relationship all to yourselves for a while. He was fine with this and would never pressure you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, but on the inside he was absolutely dying to show you off to everyone. Donna knew this conundrum of his, and figured it couldn’t hurt to work some of her magic.

“Hey Donna! What’s up?” You answered cheerfully. You adored Donna.

“Hey girl, I was calling to ask a favor. Really it’s a favor for the whole firm, actually.” She twirled the cord to the phone between her fingers, still keeping an eye on Harvey’s door.

“Uhh, sure? Is everything okay?” You asked nervously.

“Oh yeah everything’s fine, it’s just… Harvey‘s had a... rough morning and I thought it might cheer him up if you could stop by and surprise him with lunch? If you’re not busy, that is.”

You smiled, the idea that Donna thought maybe you could lift his mood with your presence made your heart nearly burst. This fact alone overrode any nerves you had about meeting his colleagues prior to now.

“Of course, I can be over there in a little bit!” You said happily.

Donna smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. She mentally thanked the universe that she only had to deal with Harvey’s foul mood for a little bit longer.

It was only about an hour later when you were exiting the elevators at Harvey’s firm, passing the metallic names on the wall and smiling softly when you saw Harvey's. You walked up to the reception desk, a little nervously.

“Uh, hi! I’m here to see-“

"Y/N!" You heard a woman exclaim from behind you. You turned to see Donna's smiling face, eager to be the first one to greet you. She gave you a big hug before whisking you through the halls of the firm. You got polite smiles from various employees, who surely thought you were just another client. Aside from Donna, Harvey hadn't told anyone he was in a relationship. If you weren't comfortable meeting anyone yet, he didn't want to deal with any questions regarding you until that time came.

She walked you to Harvey's office, knocking on the door.

"Yes Donna?" He asked, not looking up from his work.

"I have someone here to see you, it seems pretty important." she told him, her voice feigning urgency. She left the room before he looked up, smiling to herself that she'd pulled this off.

"I'm kind of busy, can they wai-Y/N?” He cut himself off, shock evident in his voice. You smiled at him, giving a little wave before he walked over to you and wrapped you in a huge hug.

“Hi baby, surprise!” You whispered in his ear.

“Hi love, what are you doing here? I mean, not that I’m not happy to see you but… I just thought…” he trailed off, and you knew what he was getting at.

You shook your head, smiling brightly.

“I’m ready.” You told him, placing your hands on his chest. “Plus, I wanted to take you out to lunch!”

The look of happiness on his face was something you wished you could frame and look at forever.

"Well come on then, I have a couple things to take care of, but after that I want you to meet everyone." He said with a proud smile, placing a hand on your back and walking you out of his office.

As Harvey took you on the grand tour meeting his colleagues and the associates, you couldn't help but smile at how sweet Harvey was being, checking a few times to make sure you were still comfortable and sneaking a few kisses when he thought nobody was looking.

"Wow Harvey, I have to say, this is a side of you I never thought I'd see" Mike said, visibly shocked as he watched Harvey tenderly kiss the top of your head, an arm around your waist while you chatted with Rachel.

"What can I say, she's something special" He said, looking down at you with a grin. You pretended not to hear their conversation as you continued your own, but your heart fluttered as you realized just how much Harvey loved you.

Later on at lunch, Harvey mused about how happy he was that he finally got to show you off.

"Everyone loved you, I hope this means that you'll come around and visit me at work more often." He couldn't stop smiling. "What changed your mind, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Donna called and told me you were having a rough day, and thought maybe I could help. Did it work?"

"More than you know, gorgeous."

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

hi. alot is happening. bumming off wifi rn. i'm copy/pasting someone from a doc i started in libra office with no internet.

A LOT IS HAPPENING BEHIND THE SCENES AND I’M KEEPING TRACK.

The landlady has made excuses to not give us back the security deposit. She keeps having Dave’s boss call him in a foul mood will all kind of threats and accusations of things we supposedly broke/ruined.

1.) On our first night out of there she has already threatened to call the cops on us by claiming that we filled the house with perfume before we left so it’ll hurt her. What happened was we cleaned it because she demanded that it was clean like it supposedly was when we moved in(it wasn’t clean when we moved in). We used that Meyers shit, which has a pretty muted scent and is supposed to be safe for the environment. And it was just basic sweeping, dusting, and then doing up the ktichen and bathroom just to be safe.

2.) Today she has claimed that we filled the washing machine with motor oil to ruin it as punishment before we left. She swears the whole house smells of oil, after screaming about it smelling like too much perfume that was supposedly used to hurt her breathing. Mind you, mom is an asthmatic so we can’t use things with strong scents because it will fuck her up. If we bought oil, it would be for the van cuz that shit is expensive and we wouldn’t be wasting it on HER of all people.

By now, Dave’s boss is aware that she cannot legally withold the deposit and that she’s trying to use the fact that Dave is a dumbass, against him. Mom however, knows the laws, and the lease said nothing about not using scented cleaners OR perfumes, and she does not have a legit reason to not give us the $1600 back. If she took it to court it would not hold. She has to make an itemized list of her claims, Dave has to acknowledge whether or not they are true, and then it goes to court.

fyi I took videos of everything in the house. Bethy’s Room, Mom’s Room, Bathroom, Living Room, Dining Room, Kitchen. All items that were hers, such as the Oven, Fridge, Washer, Dryer, Toilet, Sinks,Tub/Shower, random Recycle Bin, and Wall Hangings. Inside and Out. All details were recorded before we left. I even recorded us leaving at exactly 11:23 PM Feb 15th 2024, and recorded turning the light off.

Let’s see if she comes up with something else tomorrow. ~5:22 PM Feb, 17th 2024

3.)

Feb, 21st 2024:

I’ve just been informed by Bethy that Dave has gone on to further embarrass us. He insists that he’s got all these racing friends(and tbf they promised to help fund a big event to raise money for us 2 years ago, and then ghosted him AND Bethy when they asked what they had to do to help) who will help and has been harassing them for money.

One of them, an active dirt racer, posted a screenshot with Dave’s full name in a text convo begging for cash. And then half a dozen other dirt racers, active and retired, shared that he’s been hitting them up for money too. How he was in people’s posts about random shit beggn for money and then how he got swindled under his own comment by someone mocking him and posting the same thing he did with a small wording change about leaving an abusive house and Dave not only fell for it but then said he’d try to help them.

And now the greater dirt racing community is aware of this and are mocking him and us and some are making inquiries about Bethy’s well-being in connection to Dave. And their wives are having things to say about how he’s a bad parent and she should be taken away from him.

And I need to remind everyone that this is to pay off a blackmailer who is demanding $300 a week now. Bethy got a bit more info out of him on that and it apparently involves a photo. And there are only 2 types of photos that can get him in legal trouble(since he believes he CAN go to jail over this). So either he sent an unsolicited dick pic, which won’t receive much punishment cuz he’s a man who LOOKS white enough. OR it’s child p0rn, and he’s never given that vibe out of everything fucked up with him so I’m not exactly sure.

But he walks around demanding to know ‘did anyone give us money yet’ and people have donated to the GFM and Mealtrain, and I’ve earned about $100 on Ko-Fi recently, and we haven’t told him cuz he won’t use it for anything good.

He’s been bumming extra money off his boss despite knowing that the van need fixing, we need hot water and heat, and several other problems that need fixing ASAP. And his boss is asking questions and is getting nastier and nastier cuz he doesn’t trust Dave’s intentions and shitty lying.

There is no lease. The owner of this house knows Dave's boss and they supposedly came to an agreement that so long as Dave fixes up this house, we can stay here in the mean time for free. They supposedly made an agreement that Dave's boss will buy everything we need to fix the house up and then send all the receipts to the friend who will then pay him back.

And now Dave's boss is getting so fed up with Dave and his wishy-washy behavior and begging for all this money all the time that he does not earn, that he is now saying he never made any such promises. And he refuses to contact the owner of this house at all. There is no recording. No contract. No signatures. No proof that such a discussion went down at all. It is Dave’s word(unreliable) against the boss’(the one with money and power here) word.

Dave has no way to contact the owner either. Cuz he didn’t think that was necessary apparently. He was perfectly fine making his boss the go-between until his boss got angry.

So our ability to even stay here is hanging in the balance.

Can’t wait to see what other bad news I’m gonna find out.

[umi-adxhira]

So Ikevil MC seems to be brave at times but she’s pretty demure

so can I request a more sassy, fiery, feisty, take no shit MC?

Spacific lay with our favorite foul mouthed man Jude (my fav 😍)

The others if you want but not required only if your in the mood to write them

I’m thinking maybe when she’s first getting to know them and Jude is being his normal foul mouthed rude self and MC Is basically just “oh hell no I’m a put this man in his place”

I imagine this type of mc x Jude down the line would wind up turning into a sort of enemies to lovers type tho g 😂 (ofc my fav trope)

Thanks!

𝐉𝐔𝐃𝐄 𝐉𝐀𝐙𝐙𝐀 | 𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐘 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐄𝐍

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒: ᴊᴜᴅᴇ ᴊᴀᴢᴢᴀ

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄: We love a sassy MC putting a foul-mouthed man in his place. Also, enemies to lovers is my favourite trope, and Jude is my favourite character in the game, so this is perfect. Uses she/her pronouns but could also be gender-neutral

𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐀 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐊

"Quit your yappin' already. You don't want to see me mad,"

"Oh, I definitely wish to see the 'foul-mouthed', 'evil' Mister Jude get mad. It will certainly be entertaining to see a child throw a tantrum for his favourite toy," You mock teasingly, causing an irk to rise from Jude's forehead.

Ellis intervenes, hopefully before his contractor decides to put a hole in your head, "Should we get going, Mister Jude? We need to leave now so we can get to the company on time for the meeting,"

"..." Jude pauses for a moment before ultimately letting out a sigh, "Fine, let's get this shit over with. I had enough to deal with today, I'm already in a foul mood because of this ugly, scrawny dimwit,"

"I'm not a mirror, Mister Jude," You retort with a giggle, catching the way his features tensed up for a second before maintaining his cool.

This was always a thing between you and Jude. You'd like to say he started it by being the Emperor Ass that he is, but you have to admit you caused this situation to rise a little bit.

From talking back to him to openly defending Victor in the petty squabbles those two have, no matter how much in the wrong Victor is, but you digress.

You could say you were enemies. Everyone would notice the tension build up when both of you are in the same room together, but despite this, you admired his ability to take control of the room with ease, especially in a well-known trading company. But you'd never admit that.

But there was one incident you would never be able to forget...

"I'm not interested. Please leave," You were waiting for Harrison in a pub as this was the place he usually be at around this time. He did mention that he may be a few minutes late, which wasn't a problem. Well, until that drunkard tried to score you.

The man wasn't having it, grabbing your arm and pulling you off your seat. "Aaah, come on! I can show you a good time~ I'm sure whatever man you're with now can't pleasure you the way I can!"

You tried to pull your arm away from his grip, grunting as he cackles at your failed attempt. Apparently, being drunk gave him super strength.

You look around desperately at the other people at the bar as a desperate plea for help, to which they all avoided their eyes. Well, you certainly aren't going to be coming to this pub in the future.

He drags you out of the pub, and his sloppy movements cause you to lug around poorly, sometimes tripping on your own feet. You pray to find Harrison walking to the pub, but alas, he was later than usual.

The drunkard continues on, throwing you against the wall of an abandoned alleyway, holding you in place with his foot pressed up against your stomach.

The sudden impact made you yell in pain, toppling over if it wasn't for his leg in the way. "Stop being so loud... do I have to teach you to be obedient?"

"Maybe when you fixed that rugged look of yours and get a decent life, maybe then you can think that you can control me, you utter idiot,"

"You..." He mutters, teeth gritted as he kicks your stomach again, harder than the last time. "You're just like your boyfriend, huh. A foul-mouthed rat who should be better on the streets,"

"What... boyfriend...?" You try and muster the courage to ask.

The drunkard was irked at your question, "That bitch of the trading company. Seeing his girlfriend suffer like this will make him pay... maybe I should kill you for revenge!"

So he hurt you because he thought you were associated with Jude, huh? Maybe you shouldn't go near him anymore if you even survive.

Suddenly, the man was on the floor unconsious, leaving you free. Before you could land on the floor, strong arms held you up. "Mister Jude, she’s injured,"

"She’s fine," Jude dismisses almost immediately, watching you with a small glimmer of pity as he sees you clutch your stomach in pain. "Give her to me," He orders, practically pulling you towards him to be carried.

Ellis stands up from his crouched position, "Are you sure?" He does not answer, simply walking away from each passing second, not realising the soft breaths coming from your sleeping form.

You woke up the next day, Roger said you were fine but advised you to stay in bed for, the next few says until you feel 100% better for you to walk around with no abdominal pain.

Harrison apologised for leaving you alone in a pub, hoping to make it up to you. Ellis visits you every day, asking you the same question, "Are you okay?" before making small talk and leaving.

Today, you finally decided to ask why he asked you the same question, to which he replied: "Mister Jude ordered me to check in every day to see if you were alright. I think he felt bad because you got hurt because of him,"

"Oh..."

"He's in his room right now. I can take you there if it makes you happy,"

"Thank you, Ellis,"

With a knock on his door, you enter, not bothering to wait for his response. After all, you would have come in even if he said no.

His eyes look uo to find yours, in a small shock. His expression immediately turns back to his normal, grumpy façade. "What do you want?"

"You know, if you wanted to know how I was doing, you could have just come to me yourself,"

He turns away, mindlessly sorting through papers scattered on his bed. "I wasn't worried. If you died, I would not hear the end of it from the Queen. Besides, yer fine. You were just on bed rest because Mother Roger wouldn't stoo yappin'"

"But why bother asking Ellis to ask me how I'm doing if you knew I was alright?" You close the door behind you, making your way to his bed, sitting down on the edge of it.

Jude pauses for a moment, trying to come up with a structured answer, which would make you go asay the fastest, "Because I was worried for yer stupid ass. That fatass won't hurt you again, I've made sure of it. So don't worry about shit, alright?"

You giggle at his tsundere side, leaning over to gove him a wick peck on the cheek. "Well, thanks for saving me, back there. Who knows what would have happened," You stand up from your seat, making you way to the door, noticing how Jude's face flushed a bright pink. "See ya around, Mister Jude~"

©️umi-adxhira [27/06/2023]

[jerzwriter]

Highways & Byways Part 2: Tobias & Casey

Book: Open Heart (Book 3 Timeline)

Pairing: Tobias Carrick x F!MC (Casey MacTavish)

Rating: Mature

Words: 1,594

Summary: A highway worker hit the lottery and walked off the job, changing all highway road signs before he did. Do not touch your partner's private part while he/she is driving! Tobias & Casey heading out of Boston to head to his college reunion in DC for the weekend. Tobias never saw the sign, but Casey did... 😉

A/N: I saw this photo, and I immediately thought of my two pairings and how they would react in this situation. I was debating which one I would write about, and I decided, screw it, I can do both. In fact, the comparison could be fun. This is totally silly and for fun. I hope you enjoy it! Participating in @choicesmonthlychallenge | Holding hands (and other things....)

It was only a little after 3:00 PM, but in Boston, it was already meant rush hour, and Tobias Carrick hated driving during rush hour. He would be in a foul mood if this were a typical day. There would be honking, sighs of frustration, and an occasional curse when a driver didn’t understand the meaning of staying in lane. But today was not a typical day.

Tobias bolted out of Kenmore just a few hours before, elated that the fluorescent lighting in the halls wouldn’t be part of his reality for the next four days. No, those days would be filled with revelry, catching up with old friends, and, most importantly, he would do it with Casey on his arm. It didn’t get better than this. 

His phone rang. After ensuring it was someone who wouldn’t lower his mood, he a button on the steering wheel to answer. 

“Bobby Dee!” Tobias shouted with as much enthusiasm as if they were standing in the same room. “How’s it going, my man?”

“It’s going good, going good! You already on the road?”

“I sure am! Hoping to arrive in DC somewhere around eleven.”

“Good! Then you might be early enough to join us. We’re all going to meet up at the hotel bar; we should still be there at eleven.”

“As excited as I am to see all of you, I’m going to have to take a pass. Casey and I are leaving right from our shifts, and we’ll probably need a little shut-eye after the trip. But don’t worry, we’ll see you bright and early at brunch.” 

A low chuckle came from the other end of the call, and Tobias’s lips twisted in anticipation.

“Go ahead,” he insisted. “Get it out of your system.”

“Oh, nothing, nothing….” Bobby laughed. “It’s all good, T… just… how times are changing! You have no idea how excited Tiana was when I told her that the Tobias Carrick was bringing someone to the reunion. Damn near had to get out the smelling salts to revive her.”

“Laugh all you want,” Tobias egged good-naturedly, “but when you meet Casey, you’ll understand. There was no reason to settle down until I met her. She is truly my other half.”  

“Well, as much as I think she’s got to be out of her goddamned mind for being with you, I can’t wait to meet her. She has to be someone pretty special to lasso you in.”

“She’s beyond special. Now tell Tiana to go easy on her. I don’t want all you jackasses frightening  her off.”

“Hey, no promises. But if you haven’t scared her off, I doubt we will.”

“Good point!” Tobias agreed. “Look, I’m coming up to her place now, but I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“Same here; it’s been too long.”

Casey had been sitting on the steps, anxiously awaiting his arrival. She jumped up with her bag the moment she caught a glimpse of his car and wasted no time jumping into the passenger’s seat.  

“Hello, gorgeous!” he beamed as she entered. But anything else he wanted to say was cut off when her lips met his with a searing kiss.

“Mmph, hey!” He chuckled, playfully pushing her away. “Keep that up, and we won’t be headed to my reunion. We’ll be spending the weekend holed up at my place.”

With a coquettish grin, she looped her arms around his neck. “Would that be the worst thing?”

“Absolutely not, but I am kind of excited about showing off my girl.”

“Mmm,” she hummed. She slid back into her seat and adjusted her seatbelt. “How many reunions have you been to since you graduated from Howard?”

“We have one every year… and I’ve missed one or two, but outside of that, I’ve been to them all.”

“Mmm-hmm. OK you missed two years, so I’m date number what… nine, ten, eleven?”

He turned to her with a sarcastic smirk. “You really want to know?”

“Yep,” she teased. “Forewarned is forearmed.”

“You’re number one. I’ve never brought anyone with me.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

Now it was Casey’s turn for a smart-alec stare. “Figured you’d just pick up there, huh?”

Tobias's eyes went wide. “Wait… I didn’t… that’s not… shut up!” he fumbled. 

Casey couldn’t stop laughing. Rendering him speechless was one of her favorite hobbies.

“You know, that kind of sucks for me, though.  I figured I was the latest in a succession, but wow… now the pressure is real.”

“There’s no pressure,” he lifted her hand to his lips and brushed a kiss over it. “There will be some ribbing, I’m sure, but don’t worry, it will be directed at me.  Everyone is dying to meet you

“Well, I hope no one is disappointed,” she said, a note of worry in her voice.

“How on earth could they be?”  

~~~~~

Many hours, one stop for dinner and two restroom breaks later, Casey pulled out her phone.

“What’s the ETA now?” he asked.

“According to GPS, we should be there in two and a half hours.”

“Good timing!” He nodded. “Maybe we can pop in that mixer for a quick hello after all.”

“If you want to.”

“Hell yeah! I want to start showing you off early.”

“You’re incorrigible,” Casey laughed as she began scrolling through her phone. “Oh my, God!” she chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

“Some highway worker in New Jersey hit the lottery but went back to work for one more day just to mess around with things. Before he left, he changed all the emergency signs on the Turnpike to read very… different… messages.”

“Classic! What did they say?”

“One read, ‘Some asshole texting on his cell phone got creamed here.’”

“Harsh, but possibly effective.”

“Another said, ‘Accident ahead! That’s what we get for letting New Yorkers drive in Jersey.”

“OK, that’s pretty good,” he chuckled. “What else?”

“This one said,” Casey stopped reading and snorted.

“OK, I need to know!” Tobias insisted.

“Hmm, I’m going to refrain from telling you this one because if the NSA is listening, I want plausible deniability.”

“Case… you’re losing me.”

“Don’t worry, baby,” she grinned. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

Tobias may have forgotten about the topic, but Casey never did.  She waited patiently until they passed the next toll booth and made sure no cars were right around them. Then, with a deftness Tobias would later commend, she reached over, undid the top button of his pants, and slipped her hand under his briefs.

For a brief second, he was rendered speechless, but the tantalizing sensation of her fingers toying with the family jewels brought him back to reality.

“Casey, what are you doing?” he asked without flinching.

“Right now? I’m playing with your balls, Tobias.  I’ll be moving on to your penis momentarily,” she answered matter-of-factly.

“I know that,” he began to chuckle, but it turned into a soft groan as Casey made good on her promise and began stroking, arousing him in an instant. “but why…” he managed to get out.

“I need a reason? I mean, if you don’t like it… I’ll stop,” she started pulling her hand away.

With one hand remaining firmly on the wheel, Tobias used his other to keep Casey’s firmly in place.

“Don’t you dare,” he smiled. “I was just wondering what brought this on.”

“That guy in Jersey.  One of his signs said not to touch your partner's privates while they’re driving.”

“What a stupid fucking man,” Tobias chuckled. “Although I’m not sure everyone can handle it; he may have a point.”

“You have a point,” Casey giggled, caressing the head of his erection.

“Thanks to you,” he replied, followed by a shuddering breath.

Casey bit her lower lip, filled with delight as she watched his body tense when she picked up the pace.

“As long as this doesn’t get us killed. I kind of like this,” she beamed. “We can cross me giving you a handjob while driving off our bucket list.”

“Yes, we can,” he managed to say, his voice becoming tense.  

Casey’s eyes were fixed on Tobias, partly because she found his reactions so enticing, partly because she wanted to ensure his eyes were still on the road.  She was so fixated she didn’t realize he had pulled into a rest stop on the side of the road.

“Tobias, what are you doing?” she asked as he threw the car into park.

With slick precision, Tobias reclined his seat and jumped into the back seat; he took Casey by the arm and pulled her back with him. 

“Tobias!” She giggled as he pulled her into a kiss. 

His fingers hungrily grabbed at her hair, and he pulled her so close there was no space between them. Her handiwork was now pressing against her lower stomach.  His kiss was furious, stoking a flame she wasn’t sure they could ignite in such a confined, public place.  But as she felt Tobias pushing down her jeans, she realized… they were sure going to try.  

“What are you doing?” she chuckled.

“Finishing what you started,” he hissed.

With her pants now at his feet, she let out a whimper as he began nibbling on her ear. 

“It’ll delay the trip…” she whispered through little pants. “We might miss the mixer….”

“Not that I care,” he groaned, “but it’s all your fault.  Such a bad girl, disobeying important safety signs!”

“Mmmmhhh,” she growled beneath him.  “I thought you liked when I was a bad girl.”

“I do,” he smiled, “but keep it up, and we damn well may miss brunch too.”

“Thank God for your tinted windows,” she giggled… and the rest is to be left to the imagination. 😏

Perma: @a-crepusculo @animesuck3r @annoyingmillenialnewbie @crazy-loca-blog @different4strawberry @doriopenheart @fayeswiftie @gryffindordaughterofathena @genevievemd @liaromancewriter @lucy-268 @onikalover @openheartforeverinmyheart @potionsprefect @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @secretaryunpaid @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @trappedinfanfiction @jerzwriter-reblogs-asks @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @sophxwithers

OH All: @alwaysmychoices @annfg8 @binny1985 @coffeeheartaddict2 @mysticalgalaxysstuff @ofmischiefandmedicine @peonierose @youlookappropriate

Tobias Only: @icecoffee90 @kyra75

[faterpresources]

Wɪᴛᴄʜ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ Hᴏʟʏ Nɪɢʜᴛ - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 1 : Sᴛʀᴀɴɢᴇ Oɴᴇ - Sᴇɴᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ Sᴛᴀʀᴛᴇʀs

A collection of random lines compiled from the game Witch on the Holy Night (Mahōtsukai no Yoru ,also known as Mahoyo) Feel free to change the pronouns in order to better suit the parts involved. Warning: some crude language

❝ You're in a foul mood today. ❞

❝ I'm like this every day. ❞

❝ You're not mad, are you? ❞

❝ You could have woken me up.❞

❝ He/she wasn't very talkative.❞

❝ Oops. I think I broke him/her. ❞

❝ Oh well. At least it's not boring. ❞

❝ What's happening in twenty minutes? ❞

❝ I guess this means you got the call. ❞

❝ Am I really this angry for no reason? ❞

❝ Your jokes and metaphors aren't helping. ❞

❝ You're a real piece of work, you know that? ❞

❝ And none of that answered my question: why me? ❞

❝ … There sits atop that hill a haunted house. ❞

❝ I'm bad at faking smiles. But I'll do my best. ❞

❝ I can't imagine any other reason you'd call me. ❞

❝ The cat gave me one of his leftover deliveries. ❞

❝ …Not that it has anything to do with the, though.❞

❝ Another world in the mountains doesn't sound so bad. ❞

❝ What am I doing? I'm leaving for my job, that's what. ❞

❝ You do know that this window isn't an exit, don't you!? ❞

❝ Do we really have to go there? Why can't dead stay dead? ❞

❝ Oh, dear. Would you stop glaring at me like that already? ❞

❝ Let's not. Even I can think of a few mundane explanations. ❞

❝ … Even mosquitoes have the grace to buzz off eventually. ❞

❝ Wow. Not only did it break, it vanished without a trace… ❞

❝ I'd like a nice uneventful dream for two hours, thank you. ❞

❝ Hey, you're scaring me, __ . I was joking. Go easy, okay? ❞

❝ Life without electricity… I don't even want to imagine it. ❞

❝ By the time time I got back, it had vanished without a trace. ❞

❝ Something came up this morning, and I was called into school. ❞

❝ If this was all a joke to you, perhaps I should just go home. ❞

❝ It's the lack of something between your ears that's dangerous. ❞

❝ Yes, they called me at home about an hour ago, out of the blue… ❞

❝ I don't know if he/she just lacks an imagination or never uses it. ❞

❝ … Whether good or bad, this too shall pass, so the saying goes.❞

❝ Yes, but he/she has… how should I put it? Difficult circumstances. ❞

❝ Looks like I've still got a long way to go… Go ahead, laugh it up. ❞

❝ Look. Let me spell it out for you, because you're just not getting it. ❞

❝ Guess I'm one to talk. I came from a pretty traditional household myself.❞

❝ I'm more worried about the person doing it than their reasons, personally.❞

❝ Hmm. There are a few things off about that. Maybe we should break it down. ❞

❝ They made me show this transfer student around, and it took up my whole day. ❞

❝ Well, he/she was a weirdo all right. You two would probably hit it off great. ❞

❝ … Oh my god, I almost died. Who would put an exit here!? This is dangerous. ❞

❝ Well, it is a haunted house, I suppose. It's too large for just the two of us. ❞

❝ I personally would have just gone up to them and asked them what they were doing. ❞

❝ Nope. He'd heard of them, but this is apparently his/her first time visiting one. ❞

❝ He/She's almost -what would you call it- feral? Like a boy/girl raised by wolves. ❞

❝ If I got mad every time you broke something, there would be no end to the fighting. ❞

❝ I couldn't care less about him/her. I'm just worried he'll/she'll screw up somehow. ❞

❝ About that. Do you wanna tell me what the hell is going on? Because I have no clue. ❞

❝ The universe seems determined to keep me from having the occasional luxury without you.❞

❝ Most people can't handle your scowl. It wouldn't hurt you to be a little more tolerant. ❞

❝ Huh, I had no idea he/she was into that sort of thing. He/she had a great sense of humor. ❞

❝ … Looking back on it now… It's like my whole life has been one disaster after another. ❞

❝ Oh, I know. I just wanted to save some time. But thanks. I'll be more careful from now on. ❞

❝ Sorry, but I'm not in the mood for pleasantries. Time is short, so let's get this over with. ❞

❝ Really? That's a relief… I really mean it. It's good to know you're not good at everything. ❞

❝ I believe in you and all, but I'll say it again. Be nice, okay? Can you at least try to smile? ❞

❝ It's rare to see you so judgmental. It is really worth getting worked up over someone like that? ❞

❝ Wait, wait. I didn't mean to laugh. This is not a practical joke. We could really use your help. ❞

❝ I wanted to ask - why are you so angry? Is it your line of business? Or does it run in your family? ❞

❝ Do you have any idea why a man-sized cat…would be riding around town…delivering meals to people? ❞

❝ Maybe if you didn't ask so many questions, we'd be done by now. It's a miracle it's still light out. ❞

❝ I thought it was clear that if either of us got food we would bring enough home for the other person! ❞

❝ I could be wrong about this, but you seem upset about something. You're not a morning person, are you? ❞

❝ Ugh, what is it about today? Is it just my luck, or what? At this rate I'm due a temple visit, just to be safe.❞

❝ That makes sense. I don't know why you'd want to do it that way, but I get it's a faster way to express yourself. ❞

❝ A delivery cat riding through neighborhoods in the evening. Sounds like something straight out of a fantasy story. ❞

❝ It's not your imagination. I am angry and anyone could see that in my eyes. It's easier than trying to make conversation. ❞

❝ I already know I'm not the friendliest-looking person in the world, but I can't just make myself smile at the drop of a hat. ❞

❝ People here don't normally enter and exit through windows, okay? You should probably remember this information for future reference. ❞

❝ Anyway… he/she at least seemed to grasp most of what I told him/her the first time around, so I suppose he's/she's not a complete idiot. ❞

❝ By "last time" you mean… The time you went into the city and ate sushi but only came back with a plastic full of convenience store food? That time? ❞

❝ I hate him/her already. He's/She's my sworn enemy and I haven't even met him/her. Sorry, but I couldn't care less about his/her extenuating circumstances! ❞

[faewritesfanfic]

Ultimatums

TW: Panic attacks, anxiety, possessive behaviour, and Eden's unnecessary yandere bullshit.

SHE LIKES YOU BACK, YOU DRAMA QUEEN!

Lots of fluff and angst in this one. Enjoy!

---

The rain was coming down in buckets as Eden and Bailey waited outside the school for Kore. Eden huddled under a small awning, while Bailey sulked in his rain poncho because it was too wet to smoke.

“We need a second umbrella.” Eden grumbled. He’d been in a foul mood since English class when the teacher stuck Kore with that rich pretty boy for the project. It always annoyed him when people paid special attention to Kore. His one grace was that Kore was good at politely, but firmly communicating that she wasn’t interested. Today Eden was incensed because she hadn’t been able to do that, and he’d had to watch her all class looking uncomfortable. Very little broke Kore’s polite mask when they were in public, so working with Avery seemed to have been truly awful for her.

Eden hated that he was a little happy about that.

“We had a second umbrella. You broke it over that one guy’s head.” Bailey shot back.

“I miss that umbrella.” Eden sighed. It had taken two good whacks to bust the umbrella, and you just didn't get that sort of durability in something often.

“Sorry I’m late!” Kore said as she jogged up to them, their last umbrella protecting her from the rain. “I’m okay! Just had a little trouble getting out of school today.”

Eden tries to crouch under the umbrella with her, as Kore tries to stand on her tip-toes to cover them both. It’s a little tricky. He’s been a foot taller than her for a year now. Either way, Eden doesn’t miss the old umbrella anymore. Kore’s being too cute.

“Here.” Eden says, reaching for Kore and scooping her up into his arms. She lifts the umbrella over him easily now, covering them both. “Much better.” Much, much better. Eden was feeling extra possessive now, and having Kore close soothed a part of him that felt raw and angry.

“Much better. Thank you, Eden.” Kore agrees with a nod.

“Are you two for real?” Bailey says incredulously. “You know he could just hold the umbrella.”

Kore is silent for a long moment as she stares at Bailey, then looks up at Eden with her big, Disney princess eyes and blinks before looking back at Bailey. “But… then how would Eden hold me?”

Bailey looks back at her in horror. “You’re doing this on purpose.”

“I could carry you in one arm, and hold the umbrella with my free hand.” Eden offered.

“Can you do that?” Kore asks, and Eden feels a swell of pride at the tone of wonder in her voice.

“One sec.” Eden shifts Kore’s weight so she’s leaning against him and resting on his arm before taking the umbrella from her and holding it above them.

“Oh!” Kore says, delighted. “Well there you go, Bailey! Problem solved!”

“That is enough! I’m going on ahead! I hate you both!” Bailey announced with exaggerated disgust, charging ahead though the rain.

It gets harder and harder to keep straight faces as Bailey goes, and eventually Eden and Kore dissolve into fits of laughter.

“That was entirely too easy!” Kore giggles as her feet touch the ground. She stays close to Eden, holding on to one of his arms so they more easily stay together under the umbrella.

“Why were you late?” Eden asks as they start walking. They always took the long way home, down Wolf Street so they could spend a little time by the forest before going back to the orphanage.

“Ugh.” Kore makes a bitter, distasteful expression. “Tried to arrange library time to do that book report. Someone was being difficult.”

A creeping dread mixed with rage seeped throughout Eden. Ah yes. Him. “How so?” He half growls.

Most people would be afraid of such an expression, but it no longer surprises him that Kore doesn’t flinch away. This time she instead relaxed into him, resting her head against Eden’s arm as if comforted by his reaction, and sighs.

“He won’t meet in the library.” Kore complains. Eden wonder’s if she’s refusing to use the boy’s name for his own sake, but he’s thankful she doesn’t say it whatever the case. “Apparently he’s busy every day after school with… I’m going to be honest, I don’t even really remember. He talks about himself so much I just started to tune it out and think about Warhammer. I think he works at a restaurant? Or he owns a restaurant? I could not tell you, Eden. I was so bored I was thinking about pulling the fire alarm.”

Eden openly laughs and pulls Kore a little closer. Her clear dislike of Avery is like a soothing balm to him. Eden felt special being one of only two people Kore could stand to be around. It was so easy for him to forget that just because she was a sweet little fluff ball with them, didn’t mean she was like that around other people in the slightest.

Kore hated people almost as much as Eden did. He found it endearing.

“So he’s making you do all the work?” Eden asks. Typical. At least when Kore did Eden’s work he tried to contribute.

“No, and you’re going to absolutely hate this,” Kore sighs. “He wants me to come over to his place this weekend so we can work on the project. Apparently his parents are out of town and I should bring a swimsuit because they have a pool.”

Eden stops dead in his tracks, and Kore stumbles a few steps ahead.

She was right. He hates it. Eden hates it so much he can feel that hatred vibrating through every cell in his body.

“You’re not going.” He hisses. The rage he feels is literally blinding. This was a trap. It was a trap. It was an obvious trap. Someone was trying to take Kore away. His Kore. Avery was trying to get Kore alone, and in a bathing suit? Eden was going to murder the little fucker! The idea that some little shit thought he could show up out of nowhere and get between them was disgusting. He and Kore had been through so much. She had literally stitched him back together after some of the worst moments in his life. Eden was never going to let her go. He was never going to hand her over to some privileged rich kid with such an obvious soul interest in her.

Eden’s heart is pounding so loud it’s all he can hear. He’s breathing too fast. When Kore speaks to him, moves closer to him, it’s like she’s blurred and muffled.

“Eden?” He thinks he hears, and something in him snaps.

“I mean it, Kore!” Eden barks. “I don’t care if you have to fail that project! You are not going over there. You are not to be alone with him, even for a second. I don’t care if you have to drop out of school to fucking do it. We’ll make it work. I am putting my foot the fuck down, Kore!”

Eden’s throat is sore from the shouting, and he feels a little dizzy. He clenches his eyes shut to try and stop it, and so he doesn’t have to look at Kore and see whatever hurt expression she has on her face. Her grades were really important to Kore. Would she listen to him? He couldn’t take that chance. Maybe he could snatch her and they could hide in the woods for a while. He could keep her on a collar and leash to make sure she didn’t sneak off. Kore would hate him for it, but she would be safe at least. He had to keep her safe.

“Oh, Eden. C’mere, c’mere, c’mere.” Kore soothes, her voice full of compassion. It doesn’t take much for her to guide his forehead down to her shoulder, and from there Eden wraps around the small woman tight. As he holds on to Kore, she reaches up to rub his back and stroke his hair. She starts to hum some slow, sweet tune in his ear, and Eden starts to get a hold of his breathing.

“I completely agree, Eden.” She says gently, and Eden squeezes her a little tighter. He buries his face in her shoulder to block out the world. “A good mark in a class with an idiot of a teacher and a partner that clearly has suspect intentions towards me is not worth betraying your trust. It just isn’t. I’ll do my part of the project, and if that boy doesn’t want to contribute, well, then I guess we’ll both fail. It’s not a big deal.”

Eden straightens a bit, surreptitiously trying to blink away tears. “Wasn’t expecting that.” He says with a small huff.

“You never do.” Kore says warmly, beaming up at him. “I am seriously annoyed about all this, though! I was looking forward to reading Frankenstein with you!” She groaned. “It’s both depressing science fiction, and written by someone who’s been dead at least a hundred years. It’s one of the few things in the center of the venn diagram that is our shared reading preferences! Wait, Mary Shelly has been dead over a hundred years, right? Please tell me I’m not misremembering things.”

Eden can’t help laughing. This woman was a treasure. How did she always manage to surprise him like this? He was still feeling shaky, but his mood was rapidly improving. Whenever he thought things were about to turn terrible, she did something he couldn’t conceive of and chose him. Whatever the choice, she always chose him. It was like a miracle every time.

“Yeah. She died February 1rst, 1851.” Eden says with a grin, reaching down to hug Kore tight again.

“Right!” She laughs in turn, reaching up to hug him back. “So I’ve been robbed of my reading time with you, and I am very upset about it!” Kore hugged Eden’s arm as they began walking again.

Eden shakes his head at her. “We can still read Frankenstein together.”

“So you can trick me into reading Paradise Lost? No thank you!” Kore huffs playfully. “Besides, You said you’d read Snow Crash with me.”

“I said I would read Snow Crash if you read Ulysses.”

“And I said I’d read Ulysses when you read Mrs. Dalloway.”

“I don’t know what you’re upset about. You clearly have plenty of reading time with me.” Eden gazes down affectionately at Kore as she dissolves into giggles.

Eden knew one day Kore would have to leave him. She would find someone worthy of her, or try to move somewhere he couldn’t reach, and Eden would need to clip her wings and hide his songbird away from the world. When that day came their relationship would change forever, and he may never see Kore smile like this again. Before that awful day came, Eden wanted to enjoy these moments. He was grateful Kore kept putting that day off, but he knew this couldn’t last forever.

Eden would never, ever let Kore go.

[wytfut]

just once...

Raining out today, and I’m waiting for parts. And I’m in the mood to write... so be it.

With a last name like mine, I promise you, I have experienced just a touch of bigotry many times in my life time. No I’m not native, and no nothing I have experienced is like living with racism EVERY SINGLE DAY.

But I have had a taste of it. The first few times, confused me, as I was younger and didn’t know about such things. Every time it was in reference to my last name....    with a promised “well you don’t look .....” to follow.

Truly from what I’ve witnessed there are different levels of bigotry. Pure hatred to simple distrust and ignorance. 

Early grade school (Pershing), some folks moved in next to us, that had adopted Japanese kids. Being a kid, that meant nothing to me, they were just my friends. 

Later in Jr. Hi, my best buddy was Hispanic/Native. I still saw nothing different, until an event.

Marcial and I had witness a car accident, that was drawing a crowd. So being curious, we wondered up to the site. There on the curb was another kid our age full of hormones trying to prove his manhood   “we don’t need any of your kind here....” 

His comment spooked me, but I didn’t know why. Marcial got stone cold quiet, and we just walked away. Here I had just witnessed my first bigoted remark, and didn’t know it. And my friend knew exactly what had happened. We didn’t speak of it, probably because I didn’t know. 

In hi school trying to prove to my peers I was as tough as they, I made a horrible off handed racist comment to no one in particular in the locker room. I didn’t even know what it meant, .... and a black friend walked around the corner, and heard the whole thing. We were never the same after that, and it is still to this day one of my most embarrassed moments of my life.... even though I was only 15. I remember it vividly. 

I know the verbiage.. “words don’t hurt no one” ... and I couldn’t disagree more. Words are words, but its human nature to for us to push the envelope, every step of the way. When words become common, they lack less and less the definition by commonality. Even though in reality, its definition is still there, even with all the smoke and mirrors. With the envelope pushing, it just never looses its impact.

“Fuck” back when I first heard this word, was brutal, and ruthless. Never ever said in polite company. Now its common. Pretty much everyone uses it..... its become part of English language world wide.  Has the word lost any of its definition/punch of use? No...  perfect example in my itty bitty head. I’m not slamming the word fuck by any means.... my foul mouth it flows frequently. But here its an example of “words”.

I attended UNL for 1 semester fall of 1971....   Being a very thin, docile, and small statured, I  was hit upon a few times by early confused Homosexuals. This was all new to me, and had no idea what was going on until much later. No, there were no contact sports. Nothing but inferred comments, all which went over my head, as I didn’t know what “gay” was. If someone were to have told me, I’d probably had nightmares...

Once I realized this portion of experience was about, it drove me to prove to the world I’m far from gay. Heavy mustache, big dogs, wrench on cars, guns, motorcycles.... all  the macho stuff.... talk about stereotyping. Still enjoy all of that stuff.

Point being, I was bigoted possibly as gay, and as Native up to this point in my life. All before the main portion of my adult life. 

To be honest.... in this portion of my life, I’ll be the first to admit, I was a sexist of sorts. Practiced with no conscience. I do not condone such behavior to this day, but it still a struggle at times for myself. And unfortunately from my Mom... I resist commenting about people who are over weight (yeah I’m fat too). 

At Lincoln Hoot and Hollar, is where I experienced real world bigotry, with a full on understanding.

It was horrible at times, but a huge learning curve on growing up, and excepting “people for what they are”. 

My family for the times definitely was my learning curve. As they say, kids don’t know bigotry naturally, they are taught it. I think this is very true, but with a noted exception (some people are just evil naturally).

What was acceptable back then will not work today. My Pop had a hard time in his later years....    almost comical and I couldn’t believe what he’d say, without any qualms or quilt. Back in his day he was considered a big supporter of equal rights. Todays standard he couldn’t meet the mark.

WWW... came into my life, including X world. I went social way before facebook or any of the others popular sites now. 

I picked up on new friends comments (who had never met me face to face, or even a phone call)... that they thought I was really Native.  Hints of “that Indian guy in Nebraska...”

Historically, us stupid White Americans have shown no mercy to “others”. When the Olympics were in Australia.... accolades were showered to the Australians for their recognizing Aboriginals, and giving them rights after “hundreds of years” belittlement. Americans proudly awarding Australians for their work with the races?????? 

WHAT? REALLY? ...   SMFH!!!

A large portion of the world treats “others” just horribly. The examples are endless. Holocaust was a nightmare of the worst kind. But it still continues to this day, in modern times, with no reporting in main stream news (that's old news, it doesn’t sell papers). As if nothing ever happens. Genocide is real, and living in the back yard.

America’s pride of history with races is nothing but a sham. Our true history is never taught. And now Critical Race theory is up for conversation? What? Why, is it even questioned. Is anyone interested is fixing real problem? 

My own kids didn't even know American past race history.... until I told them of the examples. Rosewood, Greenwood, Indian White schools, Japanese internment camps, Sikhs, Palestinians, Muslims, Islam's, White Clay, Pine Ridge.    etc etc etc.... 

An astonishing story happened to me a few years back.

In casual conversation one day my nephew Devin mentioned, he had an employee at LPS that worked for him.

This employee found out Devin was related to some Whitefoots. This guy went on to tell Devin a wild story from over 50 years ago dealing with a Whitefoot. In translation I was rubbing my head, as I couldn’t comprehend this crazy story. And honestly, typically I thought initially it had to do with my Pop and the Patrol. Not me.

My scout troop.. (1965ish?) took a trip to the Ozarks. We invited another troop to join us. This other troop had a large black membership ... not an issue, but pertinent to the story. 

On the bus on the way down to the Ozarks I apparently befriended one of the scouts from the other troop and didn’t even realize it. Hell I don’t remember this actually. 50 years is a long time ago, and I was maybe 13? I remember the trip, but an isolated incident of this sort is mind blowing.

Back in 2018, my Hunny and I were invited to a wedding. The bride just so turned out to be this very same guys daughter. 

But there he was, and he remembered it all. And made a point to tell me the complete story. And me the first 30 seconds or so questioning my mental state, confused, with “who is this guy”...    but he knew Devin.  Then is all came together remembering the story Devin had told me..

He was on this bus with his troop and a bunch of silly white kids. I’d guess feeling a bit out of place. And I was the only one that would talk to him. And me being a nerd proceeded to try and teach him a couple of “knots”.... He never forgot this very tiny piece of time in his life time.

Please understand, I was walking into another realm, blindly. The wedding was a celebration of life, but this was astounding and overwhelming at the same time. 

Paul Lecher is his name. Went to Northeast a few years after me. Went onto UNL, and was a “walk on” for the Cornhusker’s football team.

And here at a his daughters wedding, was proudly telling me this story from another century. 

This story really doesn’t have anything to do with the theme of this blog, other than the fact that I mention he is black (this could be misconstrued). But I do feel it relates to the theme on an entertainment level, from the opionion of an old guy. 

JUST WOW....

I truly haven’t kept in touch with Paul since our reacquaintance other than a text or 2. . No excuse other than Life in general. And this story is one of my favorite hi lights of my life. 

Some where in the back of my cavernous empty skull, I remember something about a phone call I got a couple of years after the Ozarks trip. I hung up on the caller, as I didn’t recognize the name as introduced. Was this Paul trying to reconnect?  Caller ID wasn’t a thing then, so no way to figure out who had called.  I just knew caller was young like me.  I feel bad about this memory, but then why should I.... so young and blind to reality.  

Another one of those things an Adult just bears with another ding in his life.

As an elder adult, it still amazes me bigotry, among the wealthy, educated, upper shelf life style folks in our world today. A friend of mine for years of pretty fair stature here in Waverlyville, was making blanket comments during Desert Storm.   I really don’t have qualms with bigots, but this one changed my opinion of him for many years later.

We as stupid white Americans have treated everyone ..........      in the worlds swimming pool, its just embarrassing. 

Yeah I know, its obvious, I’m not really too proud of America’s race history..  But seemingly its getting worse, at best the same of 100 years ago. 

As an elder adult now. I suppose I just have to except human nature. I’ll still make my futile stands time to time in conversation. My hopes that future brings us together will not happen in my life time. But maybe in my grandkids??

[i314flix]

the one where your foul mood is brought by the fact that you were jealous of kate, and tyler won't seem to stop interrogating you until you burst out to admit it.

pairing: tyler owens x fem!reader

word count: 1.7k

rating: NC-17

content: fluff, friends to lovers au

warning/s: swearing, suggestive sexual themes; this fic isn’t that marinated yet for editing so there might be some mistakes here and there.

opening note. finally got to watch twisters and now all the suppressed glen powell love is being unleashed on tyler owens lol. as someone who sometimes like clichés, i really had fun writing this!

“What the hell is going on?”

It was Tyler who said that, suddenly appearing beside you while you got ready to take out the other dishes you prepared for the whole team. You were informed prior that they were going to arrive at your house today for an overnight stay, and as an always generous and willing host, you didn’t hesitate in granting them hearty meals and a warm place to rest in after what you could only assume was another episode of adrenaline-filled ‘tornado wrangling’.

“Huh?” You gave him a confused glance, busy heating up the Macaroni casserole.

“Come on, give me a little credit. From how long I’ve known you, I’m practically wired now to sense every mood change you make.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You have to be more convincing than that to sway me, ____.”

“Just go back to the table, Tyler. I got this.”

“Oh, it’s Tyler now, huh?”

You rolled your eyes, a gesture that he didn’t miss on seeing.

“Keep up the attitude and I’ll keep on pressing you to be honest with me,” he added. “The choice is yours.”

A sigh escaped you next.

It annoyed you how you were so predictable to this man, how he took note of your expressions and knew what each one of it meant; his confidence in claiming that when it came to him, he could always read you like an open book. It was one of the many things that Tyler Owens was good at—and one of the inevitable things to occur when you’ve already spent most of your life with someone and considered them to be your closest friend in the world.

As you finally faced him, you took a step back almost immediately at the realization that he was standing too close to you inside the kitchen. All of the other guys were still in the other room, busy chattering and discussing about the tornado they got to film earlier, oblivious with the fact that the both of you weren’t with them and were instead caught up in your own little bubble

“Seriously,” Tyler leaned a hand on the kitchen sink; he looked genuinely worried, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“You haven’t been saying anything throughout dinner. That doesn’t appear like nothing to me.”

“I’m just tired.”

“That’s not it.”

“It really is.”

“You’re avoiding me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

He took a step towards you, revoking the precautionary step back you took seconds ago. “You can’t even look me in the eyes. Do you know that you only do that when you’re pissed at me?”

You could have laughed, you really could’ve, because he was right. You were pissed at him. It was taking every bit of your power not to lash out at him at this very moment. You wanted to scream at his face, you wanted to shove his chest, you wanted to ridicule him for repeatedly claiming that he has you memorized and demand that if that were truly the case, then why the hell couldn’t he notice that you were hopelessly in love with him?

Your gaze flickered from his features to the new girl at the table, Kate Carter as she was introduced. She was beautiful and from what you gathered from the rest of the team, brilliant and was as passionate as Tyler was in storm chasing. She ticked all the boxes in what you deemed as the ideal girl for your closest friend; she understood the fervor of the endeavor that you never could. It made you jealous and insecure.

But as you were a master in hiding your true emotions at this point, you kept the one under the hood pretty well—that was until you saw her and Tyler sharing a moment together, laughing in a hushed manner as they sat side by side in front of you at the dining table, their heads bent towards the other that displayed how close they’ve gotten in such a short amount of time.

It made you sick, causing you to excuse yourself to prepare the casserole and for Tyler to follow you here, depriving you of the peace of mind you were wishing to have in detaching yourself away from the scene.

“Do you like her?” you finally asked, this newfound sense of courage surprising yet you couldn’t care less at this point. You just wanted this conversation to be done and dealt with. To hell with it if this ended up sabotaging your two-decade long friendship with Tyler.

“Who? Kate?”

“Who else?”

“What the hell are you asking me this for?”

“You wanted to know what’s wrong, didn’t you? Here you have it then. I’m pissed at how obvious you like her.”

“Woah, woah, woah, wait a second now,” he raised his hands up in defense, flabbergasted and outraged, “I like Kate now?”

“Please, you mean to tell me you don’t? After whispering to her ear all night and laughing about God knows what?”

“You have the wrong idea, ____.”

“I have eyes, Ty, and common sense. It’s a no brainer—I get it, I truly do. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and you two get along with each other so well. It’s a match made in heaven. You guys are meant to be together.”

The oven chimed and you mechanically wore your wittens, grabbing the tray inside and placing it on the counter.

“I don’t like her.”

“Good luck trying to convince anyone that.”

“____—” he abruptly grabbed your forearms just as you were swerving away from him, about to get the tray again and return to the table, “listen to me for fuck’s sake. I don’t like her.”

You found yourself finally looking at his eyes. They were intense… and sincere, like his life depended on making you believe that he truly didn’t.

“I don’t like her, damn it. Now, you’re pissing me off.”

Your hips touched the counter. Tyler led you back up against it without realizing that he did, his hands that were on your forearms dropping to the edge and keeping you caged. You couldn’t breathe; your heart was pounding so hard that you could feel them in your ears. You did a cautious glance to the dining area and was relieved when you saw that no one seemed to be witnessing what was happening at this second.

“Tyler, can you… give me space?”

He didn’t budge. “You’ve been acting like a damn kid because you were jealous?”

You tilted your chin up to stare at him at the accusation. Of course, he wasn’t wrong; it didn’t mean you liked hearing it out loud. “I wasn’t acting like a kid.”

“So, just jealous, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“Holy shit. It’s written all over your face now. That’s really why you’re pissed at me?”

“I was trying very hard to be civil, may I inform you.”

“Do you even know what we were laughing about?”

“I don’t want nor need to.” You huffed.

“She was making fun of me, calling me a pussy because I was a grown man who couldn’t tell his longtime friend that he wanted to take their friendship to the next level. And before you make another stupid assumption—I’m pertaining to you, ____.”

Heat rushed to your neck and to your face. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“I did, but you’re not making any sense. Is that supposed to be a goddamn confession? Are you—telling me you like me?”

“Yes.” He finally gave you a bit of space, crossing his arms and maintaining a safe distance between your bodies. That still didn’t help in making you breathe easier. “Apparently, Kate doesn’t only have a good eye for storms, but emotionally constipated men as well. She was able to guess that I liked you from the moment we got here.”

You let out a snort at that one. “She’s right about that.”

“I’m not proud of it. I’ve prolonged not telling you how I really feel long enough.”

“And what is it that you feel?” You were craving a clear confession, for him to admit something that you’ve been wishing to hear every single night once you were done being in denial of what you too felt for him.

“That I’d very much like to pursue a relationship with you. A romantic one.”

Your knees felt like jelly. You were grateful that you had the counter to remain leaning on. “God, Ty,” you exhaled, “I hate how easy I’m going to make this for you.”

You attempted not to smile, but Tyler could see right through you, causing him to do the same. “Even if you drag this out, you know I’ll still chase you until you’re mine, right?”

“Really?”

“Of course, darlin’. I have a lifetime to make it up to you for not having the balls to pursue you sooner.”

With a step towards you again, he closed the gap between your lips, sealing the promise he just made. It took a second before you loosened up and reciprocated, overwhelmed by the sensation of kissing your best friend when all these years, you for sure wasn’t doing any of that. You were glad that you had the chance to do it right now though, and from the way your arms settle around his neck to pull him for a deeper kiss, it seemed like you wouldn’t have a hard time adjusting to the new change.

“Excuse me, lovebirds.”

The both of you broke apart. It was Lily, unbothered and nonchalant, wearing a mitten to get the forgotten casserole.

You were about to open your mouth to explain, but she shook her head, snickering in an all knowing manner. “Hey, it’s about time. No need to say anything. We don’t judge,” she said before leaving the kitchen and marching to the dining area where much to your horror, the whole crew was watching.

Dexter turned to Dani. “Pay up.”

Dani grumbled and began rummaging through her pockets.

“Oh my God,” you whispered, twisting away from their view while Tyler laughed, signaling for them to stop howling and cheering at what commenced after years of also talking among themselves how you and Tyler were bound to end up together.

“Let’s continue to talk about this later?” Tyler asked you, amused that your confidence dropped and was replaced by shyness, an occurrence that was rather rare.

“Yeah, okay.”

“You okay?”

You flashed him a glare. He wasn’t hiding the fact that he was enjoying this. “Yep.”

He smirked, giving you one last kiss. “I’m sleeping in your room tonight, alright?” he said then, not giving you the opportunity to react as he dashed back to his seat.

You blinked multiple times, dazed.

That certainly wasn’t in your 2024 bingo card.

gentle reminder: this author is a sucker for validation so please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts about this! ♡

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1998 Couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Actually, I’m gonna go check my email first. Be right back.

Back just a few minutes later after getting the usual - junk mail from Evie. Why does she send me tons of poems and jokes? The poems are utterly boring and the jokes aren’t one bit funny.

I went through the photo albums and ditched 95% of Art’s pictures and 99% of Dureen’s pictures. I ditched all of Larry’s, except for the big one he’s in with the kids and with Doe and Art. I also have Doe and Art’s big wedding picture and a few others of little Larry and Jen. The freeloaders will be getting a few more for variety’s sake. They’ll be getting a handful of different people. Got rid of Bill’s pictures too.

As I went out to the recycle bin at midnight and heard those fucking dogs going off, it further enhanced my already foul mood, and I figured I’d give them a reason to go off for once. They stopped barking just as I went out there, but then I let out a chilling, blood-curdling scream I didn’t even know I possessed. I screamed long and loud two times. That set them off, alright. How can that bitch sleep to the tune of two dogs going off just a few feet away?! And she must’ve heard me scream, didn’t she? I’ll never know, but it was good to get that scream out, anyway. I mean, these fucking things have been horrendous! They just won’t shut up and they’re right back to their old ways of non-stop barking even after dark.

Later…

Larry just got his final phone call from me. The one where Mary from Microsoft Mouth says “Larry, watch out. You’re a bastard and soon you’ll die.”

I tried to have her tell him he was a fucking asshole, but Mary sounded too computerized on those words. He picked up on the first ring, too. What? Was he waiting up for me? It’s 3:00 in the morning there. Guess the poor bastard must be confused now, cuz if Tammy and Andy and others thought Mary and Brutus were for real, then I guess this little shit will too.

Here we go again. I’m up to 114 pounds and I haven’t shit. Every time I lose weight I don’t shit. The lower my weight, the more constipated I am, cuz my body just doesn’t like to be thin. It does whatever it needs to do to keep that extra weight on. Well, since I’m not shitting today, I took a water pill.

Today was a better day for me emotionally, as I knew it’d be.

Tom did a little more of the roof and now most of the house is safe from the rain they predicted for tomorrow. The tarp is down very securely over the front of the house.

He got me up at 11:30. I was pretty tired and could’ve slept a few more hours. It’s so great to not wake up wheezing, though! Although, I still have congestion most of the time and tightness some of the time.

I noticed Melie’s new look right away. Her hair was a little shorter but still long, and it was straightened. I thought she used the straightening iron. There was just a little bit of wave to it. She said her mom, who does hair, came in from California and did her hair. She doesn’t trust anyone else with her hair, she says. Her hair looks nice, but I liked it best with bangs, but instead, her forehead’s exposed. She didn’t have it up in a headband this time. She had it swept off to the sides. It still looked nice.

I was surprised at her reaction to the card I gave her. She was really impressed with the drawings and seemed to look at them forever. As figured, though, she didn’t open the card with me there. She put it on her counter.

She asked me what I did for Thanksgiving and things like that.

I got a variety of colors this time, too. I got bright yellow, purple, pink, and aqua. I have 10 brackets, so I’ve got 2 yellows, 2 pinks, 3 aquas, and 3 purples.

Then I told her I was ready to do the bottom teeth, and after the doctor checked me, he said I didn’t have to have any teeth pulled. He said the teeth can be brought out and then there’ll be a big enough arc for the teeth to all fit in. Tom was surprised they didn’t take any X-rays.

I jokingly said that I wondered if I’d lose more weight since both of us agreed that it helps with that. She asked if I lost any more. I told her just a couple of pounds and she said she wanted to lose 10 pounds. I told her she was already thin and she said others tell her that, too.

So, she put the spacers in the bottom teeth, and the braces will go on next week.

I think this is the first time I ever had appointments that were just a week apart, three weeks in a row. Hope I can make it there!

Then the week after that comes the kidney test. Yeah, I called Vicki and she called the place where I’ll have both tests done, then called me back. It doesn’t sound like it’s gonna be very fun. I have to get some kind of a prep kit that I think includes an enema. Do you know how sick those things make you?! She said she didn’t know the details of the prep kit, but to go to the place and pick it up before my appointment.

As for the uterus test, she said to call the place when my period starts, cuz they like to do this test 6-10 days after your period.

Tom said it’s no big deal and is still being a wonderful support. Yeah, until he refuses to participate and holds me back. God, I wish to hell they could find what’s wrong with me since I know it’s me that’s got the problem, and therefore not bother testing him! I still wonder if I’m making a mistake and doing this for nothing. Could it be that I was right about Tom’s having control over his cumming and therefore, he’s gonna let himself cum for the test, then go back to his cumming once or twice a year with me? I just don’t know what I’m in for here, but I doubt he’d ever cum again if he knew I was OK. If he almost never cums with me not OK, then he sure as hell won’t with me OK.

A part of me wishes I wanted a kid as bad as I did in 1994-1996. Then again, if I did, that’s all the more hurt I’d have to go through when the end result was no baby, and that’s exactly what it will be.

Anyway, I believe my kidneys are fine, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were told my uterus is shaped funny.

After seeing Melanie, we went to the bookstore. The guy that’s usually there wasn’t there. Instead, there was an old man who did everything in slow motion. I got $10 off in credit so I got my 8 or 9 books for just $11.

There was a message from Laura wanting to know if I’d heard from Andy. Thanks, Andy. Thanks for telling me she didn’t have access to my number. I don’t want our number given out, I told him on his machine, and especially not to a druggie. Do you know how much drug money she could get if she broke in here while we were out? We’ve got a lot of valuable stuff. This is a hard-core druggie, too, and not just a pothead.

A few hours later Andy left a message while we were out saying he got back in an hour ago and would like to tell me about his trip when we talk live. I’d love to hear about it, I told him in my reply message, and also, since he usually has so much to tell me when we talk and since I don’t get much chance to talk too, I told him of my upcoming tests and plans for bracing the lower teeth. I told him we’ll talk sometime this week.

Anyway, he just left another message saying that Laura came into the house and went into his address book only cuz he was supposed to be back Saturday, so she was worried. Besides, if something happened to him, who’d call me? He’s got a point, as I replied to him, and there’s been no harm done. Also, I figured he’d be late due to the shitty weather we had, but if he wasn’t back by today, I’d have been worried, too.

Till next month!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1998 I have a zillion things to write about, and most of it is not very cool.

Let me start with the freeloaders. I was right again about them. Well, we were right about them. There hasn’t been any significant trouble yet, but next weekend or the weekend after, around the freeloader’s birthday, there will be.

Yesterday I was thinking about how they must be dying to give us noise right back and would prefer to wait till we were done but were probably getting too impatient to wait much longer. Well, they did just what I knew they’d do at some point over the next few weekends. I mean, it’s quite a coincidence that that hoop, which hasn’t been used in months, was finally used after Tom’s been banging about for a couple of weeks. They couldn’t be more obvious than they were today, although it was for under 15 minutes. Tom was right, though, when he said, “Don’t bother being noisy, cuz it’ll never bother them. It’ll just make them noisier just because it’s you that’s being noisy.” Today proved him right. They just can’t stand to be left out. Such attention we crave! I knew they couldn’t handle hearing from us without wanting to be heard right back. I’m not stupid as far as these people are concerned. I know exactly what they’re up to and why. I know how, where, and everything that makes them tick. I know their MO, etc.

Yesterday, the white car visited, but that was it. Today, as figured, the cock was here. Tom said he saw the bitch hanging out clothes all day. I’m sure the cock showed up for a piece of that line, as well as a piece of her ass. I didn’t see the white car pull up, but as I stepped up to the living room window, I saw a tall, skinny woman freeloader get out of the car with a baby in a bassinet and a couple of other kids. None over 8-10 years old. It looked like two girl freeloaders, plus a newborn.

Not quite. Next thing I know I hear a ball bouncing along with Tom’s nail gun. He worked at their side of the house today. This no doubt pissed her off and she went and called these people over, but there weren’t just 3 kids. More like 5 at the very least. There were two black boys playing ball (I saw the cock move its car into the carport).

Fucking, mother-fucking freeloaders! Slam, slam, slam! That’s all I’ve been hearing. I thought something fell on the roof and that I was done with next door’s shit till next weekend, but nope. In comes the freeloader. It’s getting its clothes, I guess, but I still fear this thing may be on the verge of moving back in. It’s just coming around way too much. Well like I said, if it does, it’s outa here. Same goes for its bitch. We’ll never be neighbors again, cock, never! Hear me, cock? Never!

Anyway, as I was saying till I was rudely distracted, the two black boys, who were about 5 and could’ve been twins, played ball for a few minutes, then left in the white car. All that just to be heard back, huh Joebitch? God, we’re getting rather desperate here, aren’t we?! These boys were cute, though, Tom said, asking him if he was building this house and if he lived here. I asked if any adults knew the boys talked to him and he said he didn’t care. I’m surprised she didn’t yell up to him, “Shut up! Shut up! I’m sick of your shit. Don’t you be talking to no one here or I’ll have you served, ho!” She’s damn lucky she didn’t, though, cuz that would’ve sent me flying over there. I’m sure she did know and that that’s why the game was so short and why they left. Initially, she was probably hoping they’d play for hours. That’s what I thought they’d do too, but they will when he’s off the roof. Next weekend or the weekend after, there’ll be hours’ worth of ball games and probably some music too, and remember, Mistake’s birthday’s coming up. I think it’s the 14th.

I just know they’re gonna cause trouble as far as noise goes and it’ll be in the near future, too. The question is, this time around, do I want to go over there and beat the shit out of them? Do I want to give them noise right back (and that includes in the middle of the night)? Or do I want to have the city evict them?

freeloader’s still here. Damn! I just want this thing outa here! Its presence is really making me nervous. It came around the back of the car, jumped up and grabbed the hoop and swung off it (too bad it didn’t break the hoop), then it got stuff out of the backseat of its car. It looks like some of it could be for the mistake too, and that worries me. There’s no U-Haul as of yet, but it moved in little by little the last time and it brought stuff for the mistake, no doubt to impress the bitch and butter her up into letting it stay with her.

It was wearing a beanie-type cap. One that’s longer than a beanie. Tom told me that’s an Islamic religious cap. Islamic? Aren’t those things pretty fucked up? You ever notice that so many freeloaders are into religion? It’s obvious why. They do it as a cover for their sins/faults/mistakes and as an excuse to keep on doing them. Some people think that they can do all the wrong they want and get away with it if they just say, “God. I’m sorry.” Take a bank robber, for example. If that robber was told that all he had to do to get out of going to prison after a robbery was say, “I’m sorry,” and that’s it, it’d keep on robbing. The freeloaders see it that way, too. They think they can harass people like me and not give a fuck about anyone but themselves, as long as they go to church every Sunday and apologize for it.

Yeah! freeloader’s gone. Now stay the fuck away, you piece of motherfucking scum shit!! You ain’t wanted here, dickwad!

The dog across the street continues to not be a problem so far.

Later…

Fuck! Here we go again! I just heard a really loud slam that could be felt as well as heard over this loud fan. I could tell it parked in the carport too (probably hauling over more of its shit), where its slamming would echo off the walls. All I can see is the very rear end of the car, but you know what? I can’t really say for sure in the dark that it’s the cock’s car. I think it’s a white car. Even so, how long is the payback gonna be? How long am I gonna have to listen to them deliberately slam doors really loud? Can’t this bitch see that there’s a difference between someone working on their house and generating noise cuz they have to in order to fix their fucking roof, and someone deliberately trying to get your attention and get you to notice and acknowledge them and their existence and harass you? When are they gonna grow up and cut the immature shit? Enough’s enough! This shit’s getting fucking old. Keep it up bitch and company and you’re gone!

Karma. The idea of it would normally give me peace of mind, but not with these people. Why is it that somehow, I feel God’s gonna let them get away with the shit they’ve given me? Well, it’s sad but true, that what goes around doesn’t always come around. Not for everyone. God has different rules for different folks.

Anyway, this bitch doesn’t typically have company at 6:30 on a Sunday night, but I wonder if this car is gonna be here overnight since it’s parked halfway into the carport. I doubt it. I think it only went in just enough to enhance the slamming of the car door, but if it’s still here in a few hours, I’ll step just outside the front door and see what car it is.

It’s early evening, so the collies are going at it. They’ve been going at it for over an hour. I can hear them whenever I go into the bathroom, but for another hour or so, I’ll have the air cleaner on in the living room where I am now. I absolutely cannot believe that no one’s either shot these beasts or complained. Maybe they did complain but found that it didn’t do them any good.

Now let me back up to yesterday morning. Due to the rain they predicted, Tom got plastic sheeting and put it on the roof. He used some of the bricks that have been sitting at the side of the house to weigh them down.

I was thrilled that I’d gotten myself on days and would have no problems getting to my appointment.

Late yesterday morning, we screwed, then he used the dumbest, lamest, senseless excuse I ever heard! No, not the “I’m sick,” “I’m tired,” “I’m too sore,” “I’m too hot” lines, but the “I’m too horny to cum” line. That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! I mean, how can one be too horny to cum? That’s like saying you’re too thirsty for a drink, or too dirty for a shower, or too hungry for food. If he can’t tell me he just doesn’t want to cum, he’s gotta do better than this, but that’s the thing with him, he thinks he can boldly lie/deny the obvious. As long as he knows you can’t literally prove him a liar, he’ll tell you the sky’s green if he wants to. He’ll tell you the grass is pink. Anything he wants to bullshit you on, he’ll so boldly and daringly do so, no matter how off the wall it is, and no matter how wrong you know he is.

I haven’t exactly spilled the beans on him (not that it’d do me any good) and told him I know he’s only cum once since last April, but I did tell him that I didn’t see how we’d have the time to do any “testing” if we were told to screw 10 days in a row. Not with our schedules and busyness. Besides, what good’s it gonna do me with a guy who refuses to cum? I really feel I’m just wasting my time here and thank fucking God I don’t want a kid. I’d never get pregnant by this guy. If I were fixed, this poor, terrified guy will never cum again! Not with me, he won’t. A part of me feels guilty, too. I mean, he’s willing to sacrifice cumming altogether (at least with his wife), just so I can be fixed and be normal and have a full bag of rights as a woman. Well, it’s his choice, but how can he have the nerve to look me in the eye, after telling me not to make excuses to back out of this thing, and tell me he is going to do his part of the testing? Yeah, right! Like hell he is! Which is it - is he delusional into thinking he can really squirt for testing? Or is he that much of a bold liar who’ll knowingly and intentionally lie to my face like that with no empathy, no guilt, no remorse, and with no plans whatsoever to let them have even a drop of his cum? I just wish I knew what I was in for! Am I making a huge mistake that I’ll live to really, really regret? Or does he know something I don’t? Something like how he plans to let them have his cum for testing’s sake, then will make sure none of it gets inside me if I get fixed? Well, I always knew he was in full control of his cumming, so we’ll just have to wait and see what he does.

Now for the worst thing that happened since I last wrote. Curses come and go in waves. Right now, the coast is clear, thank fucking God! Ironically, this shit went down right as I noticed I hit an all-time low of 111 pounds. Coincidence? Or was it compensation for what happened last night? What happened? Oh, just the usual shit battling with that fucking roof. I swear I wanted to sell out right then and there and just go into an apartment till we can move to where we want to be, or sell out now and move to where we want to be, but take our dumpy furniture with us and forget about using the sale money of this house to buy newer, nicer furniture. I’m soooooo fucking sick of this shit!! I need a fucking roof over my head and I just want us to have a life! Is that too much to ask for? Of course it is!

Anyway, the nature of the desert is, is that if it rains here, it’s usually in the morning or at night. It rained in the morning but was clear from 11 AM-10:30 PM. Amazingly, the morning rain did not leak in here at all.

I was pissed at myself for falling asleep too early and for getting up at 8:30 PM, which would mean I’d have to stay up at least 18-20 hours before I could go to sleep and not get up too early. Well, I couldn’t have slept a couple more hours if I wanted to. At 10:30 I was lying in bed when I heard a crash overhead. I thought it was Tom making sure the tarp was covering things well, but nope. It wasn’t him. It was the bricks falling. That’s how windy it was out, and it rained real hard, too.

So Tom went back on the roof and weighed the tarp down with bags of shingles that weigh 70 pounds, but not without it leaking in the bedroom, the bedroom closet, and the music room first, and not without him nearly getting blown off the roof. No water came down into the music room. Just the ceiling got wet, cuz the stupid male fucks that put in our AC didn’t connect it to the roof very well. I cussed them out on their machine for it (after blocking this number), not cuz it’d change how they work, not cuz we don’t have to repaint all the walls and ceilings anyway, but cuz I was in a foul mood and have been all weekend. Tomorrow should be better, though. Gonna see Melie and maybe stop at the bookstore.

I expressed a vibe I had to Tom about waking up to water leaking on my face. He said that that’d be extremely unlikely. That’s what makes it likely. The fact that it’s not likely. If it’s unique, odd, different, abnormal, fluky, freaky, uncommon, unlikely, etc., it’s me. Anyway, I was close. I was already up, and the leak was at the foot of the bed. Fortunately, though, only a few drops came down through a crack in the plaster, but the closet got hit worse and it stinks in there. It stinks of mildew everywhere and I had to spray a disinfectant all over but thank God it was just my typed journals that got wet. They may have dried up OK. I didn’t check, but we covered my dolls, the stereos, the TV, VCR, and computer stuff with plastic.

Anyway, this whole ordeal was humiliating, frustrating, and even scary, cuz I just didn’t know if it was gonna cause sparks to come shooting from plugs or what.

I was also infuriated with that bitch next door and all I wanted to do was go over there, walk it over here by the nape of its neck, and show it how we live and how at 33 and 41, we’re still struggling and we’re still trying to get ahead. Meanwhile, this bitch uses her kid to get the city to cater to her for free. I could’ve beaten that bitch to a bloody pulp yesterday!

So the rain and wind stopped, the leaks stopped dripping, then Tom went out and made a $600 investment. He bought a compressor, a nail gun, and many other tools, gadgets, and accessories that came in a kit.

As of yesterday, only the back room and garage were done, but now he’s gotten towards the middle of the house done and says he could’ve gotten 75% of it done if he didn’t have to work tonight. He said the nail gun makes it three times as fast.

Miraculously, I fell back asleep from 5 AM-10 AM when Tom woke me up.

What? If this is the white car, is that woman and her 500 kids moving in? It’s like, yo bitch! Wake up and face reality. Hello! You can’t do this if you don’t want to lose that house, you dumbfuck cunt!

On the other hand, I’d say this car will eventually leave cuz the front porch light is on. Usually, you turn it on for the visitors you expect and leave it on till after they leave. God, I hate living next to druggies! Fucking traffic in and out and in and out as their fucking buyers and suppliers come and go like bumper cars at a carnival.

Surprisingly, I haven’t heard from Andy this weekend. I thought he was due back last night, but as Tom said, they might’ve taken an extra day or two cuz of the weather.

You know what’s sad about Andy? I mean really, really sad? He wanted to get fired as much as he did, and he’ll keep on doing it probably for the rest of his life. He’s gonna set out to deliberately get fired over and over again. When he comes back, he’ll stop or cut down the pot, get a job, then make sure he gets fired in a week, then use that as an excuse to get stoned. Why? Why is he so scared to decide whether or not he wants to keep certain jobs? Why does he want the decision made for him? I mean, why doesn’t he just ask to be fired in a week the day he goes in for a job interview that looks promising? He might as well.

Now for the last subject I wanted to cover. Tammy left a message yesterday sounding happy and even younger, saying that all was great with her, Mark, and the girls.

So I called her back today. First she told me she was really busy, cuz she refinanced the house and got $4,000 in new furniture, and that Mark was remodeling with her.

Also, Larry’s causing trouble again. Yeah, it fucking figures. I knew he’d be up to his old shit sooner or later. He or Dureen or Art. And what makes it even sicker is that they use Tammy’s kids to get at her.

Larry, you sick little fuck! If I could be there for just 5 minutes! Just 5 minutes with you, boy! Aaaarrrrrrrghhhhhh! No words could express just how much I’d like to slaughter this sick fuck! Now I see why there is so much violence and murder in families. It’s so easy to resort to and sometimes it’s the only solution. I mean, I totally disagree with those that say violence is no solution. Sometimes it isn’t, but sometimes it is, and I can see myself easily killing a handful of so-called “family” members if they were here in this room with me. It’d be no problem, and if I didn’t kill them, they’d wish to hell I did cuz they’d be hurting that bad.

Larry’s right - Tammy’s a shit mom, and I do believe he really did have the best interests of the kids at heart when he called the state (along with doing it to spite Tammy no doubt at the urging of Dureen and Art), but it takes a lot of balls to call the state on someone, then turn around and call the house to talk to her kids! I guess this happened when Tammy was out, but he called to talk to the kids. He does like Lisa and the sicko’s trying to replace Larry with Lisa, but it was mostly to spite Tammy. Not to talk to the kids for the sake of caring about them.

Tammy said something about contacting the police about his calling there, but why doesn’t she change her number or get Caller ID?

Anyway, it really pissed me the fuck off that I called his house, but Sandy answered. I hung up the first time around, but the second time she answered, I began to tell her what I’d do to her husband if he didn’t cut all contact with the girls, but as I should’ve known, she hung up. Then I tried Larry’s business number, but that was disconnected. Then I tried Doe and Art, but that too, was disconnected. I should’ve known that bitch would go to such extremes. If she could change her email address, of course she’d change her number. Did she move again too?

So I thought about forcing Larry to change his number by pranking him in a non-traceable way, by just letting it ring a half a second, then hanging up, and back and forth, but I realized it wouldn’t do me any good. For him to change his work number, but not his home number, tells me something. He wants Lisa to be able to get through somehow. I really feel sorry for that girl if she’s still in touch with him! He’s just gonna hurt her, but sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. So be it then.

What I did end up doing was calling his local police department, telling them he was making harassing phone calls to me, and to please talk to him. The guy I spoke to said someone would call him, and he took down his address too, but I doubt he did call him. Then again, maybe he did, cuz I’d think that Larry would’ve called here by now if it weren’t for my complaint. The reason I did this, is to let his police department be aware of the fact that he’s trouble, so it’ll hopefully prevent him from pulling any shit on me in the future and maybe from pulling anymore on Tammy. If he did, he wouldn’t look very good with my complaint I phoned in. They keep a log of this shit. It’ll also hopefully send a message to this fuck that if he fucks with us, there’ll be consequences for it.

Someday, sooner or later, as it’s inevitably bound to be, Doe, Art, and Larry will all fuck each other over yet again, and what’ll probably be the last time, then Larry will go back to having no one on his side of the family, and Doe and Art will have no kids. Yeah, they know how to lose them one by one. Still, I wish I had been an only child! Think how much worse it’d have been if there were 6 of us! That’s a terrifying thought.

Later…

The dogs are still going off in spurts and the white car’s still here. It’s the white car for sure, too.

I just called info to see if there was a number listed for Larry’s business. I called the number I was given but didn’t get the machine I hoped to get. Instead, an older woman answered. She just said hello and sounded groggy, so maybe it wasn’t his business number, but I don’t know.

I’ve got to stop this! I’ve got to stop letting myself get so pissed off over these people! Giving them a piece of my mind won’t do shit, and they’re in the past. As I told Tom, this may sound selfish, but a part of me is seriously contemplating not giving Tammy our new address/number when we move and just walking away. She’s still too closely connected to Bill and Larry, although I know she doesn’t want to be. It’s just that every other time we talk, she tells me something about Bill or Larry that infuriates me, and I need to get away from this shit. I need to put my old experiences/memories/emotions to rest and get on with life, but I feel like my connection to Tammy keeps rekindling the past. It keeps the emotions alive and it’s not good for me. I deserve much more and much better than this in this day and age.

Later…

The white car left at 9:05. Right around Joebitch’s bedtime.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1998 I’m in great shape schedule-wise for my appointment and for the next few days of roofing (although we don’t know if he’ll be able to work today cuz of the weather. It’s cloudy, but it hasn’t rained yet). I took a Benadryl at 7 PM and was in bed for the most part until I fell asleep. I slept from 9 PM-2 AM.

Marla replied to me saying she was happy I was going for testing and that with today’s technology, I have every reason to believe I can have a kid.

Not if my husband won’t cum. If he’s scared to cum with me sterile, he’s gonna be absolutely petrified to cum with me fixed, if they can fix me. I’ve decided also that yes, I’m gonna leave it in God’s hands should they fix me. Well, God’s and Tom’s, so to speak. I still firmly believe, I firmly know, God and Tom together wouldn’t let me get pregnant. I know what’s meant to be and what’s not as far as a kid goes, I just hope I never want one as bad as I used to ever again.

Then Marla said her bubble deflated when she read what I wrote about Andy’s getting fired and getting high. Yeah well, what else is new? After doing this since he was about 20, maybe he likes this. Maybe this is what he wants and maybe it’s what he strives for.

Another thing I hope I don’t ever go back to is wishing I could have sex regularly with my husband. Not a chance with this guy! Yet he says he’s not sore or tired. If he’s not sore or tired, and if he’s supposed to be horny all the time, then why doesn’t he want me? He can’t help how he feels, although just the other day he made a contradictory statement saying the roofing was catching up to him and he needs to hurry up and finish. Anyway, I guess we’ll get together next on my birthday, but I just hope I don’t have any irritation!

As far as my decision to let God decide what’s best for us should I get fixed, well, I’m sorry if I went into Never-Never Land there for a minute, cuz there is no fixing me. And even if there was, we’re not going to get that far. As soon as we test Tom, it’s over. It’s inevitable - and I can see how this will play out - that I call it quits as soon as he proves himself to be the liar he is when it comes to this subject and doesn’t do as he promised.

Enough of the kid, sex, and lies shit, and onto the weight. Once again, 112 pounds is as low as my body can go without many days of starving. I gained a pound in my sleep due to not shitting. Every time my body gets down to 112-113, it doesn’t shit so it can reset itself back to 115 at least. I wonder why it is that my body doesn’t want to get under 112? I guess it’s just not healthy in this day and age. Typically, a body won’t gain/lose weight if it doesn’t want to and if it doesn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’ve got two days’ worth of food in me since my body won’t shit and I have a feeling that as long as I don’t eat, it won’t shit till my body’s back to 115 first. Well, maybe I’ll help it back up there later so I can shit.

Tom downloaded a dictionary for me but hasn’t checked it out yet to see if it’s any good.

Yesterday I helped Tom by cutting shingles. I used a hook razor that really made the job a lot easier. I didn’t like getting bits and pieces of fiberglass stuck in my hands, though.

Tom stapled down the tarp, too. That’ll be a real pisser and a real curse from God if it rains today when it hardly ever rains on a weekend to begin with, and when he’s well-rested and has the whole day and night free. He only has to go in a couple of hours like he always does at the end of the month, but he can go in any time he wants. Meanwhile, when he has to work a long shift and is beat, the sun will be shining.

The cock was here for what seemed to be all day yesterday. I don’t know if he was watching Mistake all day, or if Miss Bitch was there all day, but she didn’t work. Neither did the city, so that’s why the cock was parked in the driveway, too. Most people don’t work the day after Thanksgiving. I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, the cock left at 6 PM without a bang. Shortly after, in came the pearl van. I only heard a door slam, but Tom said he heard a honk too. I don’t doubt it. Then after a while, I noticed a white car parked on the street, which left at 9:00. I was asleep when the pearl van left, so I don’t know if it gave off a little 30-second concert or not, although it wouldn’t surprise me. The people in the pearl van are the rebellious type who’ll risk Joebitch’s tenancy just to go against me and spite me. Same with the aqua-colored car. Haven’t seen that one for several weeks now, so I’m sure that I’m due for a visit from it anytime now. I’ll bet they’re just itching for Tom to hurry up and finish the roof cuz they’re dying to be heard right back!

What is it with this bitch and all this company? This is the cock’s department, I thought. There was only company like this when he was in the picture, but for the first time since she’s been on her own, she’s a company freak just like he was/is. What? Is she that desperate, insecure, and afraid to be alone, or what? Can’t she take just one day off from going out and having visitors?

Later…

OK, I’m back to 115 pounds. I had a TV dinner, but still don’t feel like I’m gonna shit, so I decided that I either shit or take a water pill. I can’t keep letting these extra pounds accumulate, cuz then it’s harder to get around. So, since I can’t shit, I went for the water pill. I knew that if I didn’t shit or take a water pill, I’d end up around 118. God, all the slavery I go through just to stay at 115! Is it really worth it? Why do I keep depriving myself of the extra food and pounds my body needs? Maybe I should give myself a set number of months that I’ll continue with the hard work and hunger that goes into staying at 115, then let myself go, and eat when I’m hungry and let my body gain whatever it feels it wants/needs to.

Later…

Tom thinks that the bitch’s company, along with the bitch itself, was showing each other what Christmas presents they got yesterday. With money the bitch isn’t even supposed to have? I don’t know if they went Christmas shopping or not yesterday, but I highly doubt she and her company were drinking sodas and playing cards. I’m sure they all got stoned.

As for the weather - the clouds out there do look nasty, but they’re moving fast. Tom says that now the current report says it’s to rain today, tomorrow, and Tuesday. I highly doubt that. First off, they always hype things up, and secondly, it just doesn’t rain on weekends here and if it does, it does it in the morning or the evening, so I still say he’ll be able to work today and tomorrow. If it rains all day today, I’ll swear God only had it rain cuz he was doing the roof! If he weren’t doing the roof, it’d be a typical sunny Saturday. Still, the tarp’s down and he’ll only lift up the sections he’ll be working on. The garage and most of the back room are done. He’s gonna finish the back room, then do the music room, bathroom, and kitchen which is in the middle of the house. Lastly, he’ll do the front which is the bedroom and the living room.

Who will come to see the bitch today? Gee, let me guess - someone in a white car and a gray car? Cock and sis.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1998 I managed to sleep from 5 AM to noon. At 9 PM I'll take a Benadryl to help keep my schedule from going too far forward, although I may need two tonight because I'm getting kind of immune to the stuff again.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1998 Tom was up when I got up at 5:30. He had been asleep, but the phone woke him up. He said he didn’t know why it woke him up, though. That’s a first.

I was just in the music room when I heard something that I thought was coming from the bedroom, then thought it was from the freeloaders' carport just outside that window, but now I don’t know. Maybe it was from the roof. Maybe the cat nudged a tool up there or something. I looked in the carport and didn’t see anything, though.

Later…

I just remembered something. Well, as I suggested to Tom, I hate to see him spend money on God knows what on the 4th (Red Lobster or miniature golf). So, why don’t we just consider the lollipop doll as both my birthday and Christmas present, then I’ll get Edie with any birthday money I may get from Mom. If mom doesn’t send any birthday money, I’ll save enough money in my piggy bank for her. Then I remembered the Christmas money. She typically gives money for Christmas. If she does, it’ll be at least $50 each, so I’ll be getting another doll with that if I do. So maybe I’ll be getting 4 more dolls instead of 3. Another few weeks and Patrice should be here. Hopefully, we can go to the bookstore and the doll store on the 4th, though.

Later…

I was right about the freeloaders. No shit from them today. The bitch was picked up early in the white car, and the cock was here for a while, but that’s it.

I wasn’t right on when, but I was so right about the roofing being harder than Tom envisioned and taking much longer than he could initially see. He’s having a miserable time with that fucking roof. The shingles require so many nails and just don’t cover as much space as he thought they would, cuz they need to overlap by 6” or so. So, he may have another 1-3 weeks’ worth of work to do, and he’ll be getting tarps to staple down to protect us from the rain we’re supposed to get this weekend. Of all the weekends it has to rain in Arizona, it just had to be this one, huh? What? Does God want him to work on the roof only when he has to work at the bank all fucking night, too? Yeah, this naturally has me furious with God. It’s like - thanks, God! Thanks for treating my husband like shit and for running him ragged like this for no reason. He doesn’t deserve this shit. He needs to have a life. We have too much other shit that’s gotta be done. He can’t keep dealing with this fucking roofing shit week after week after week. It’s like God has no mercy or empathy for this man, he won’t help him help us, and what’s the point of not having a kid if we can’t have a life? The purpose of not having a kid (one of them) is so that we can live life and do things, yet we don’t even have a life. The Chanukah shirts can be forgotten about, the library, the things we were gonna do on the 4th, and the other household projects that need to be done before we can move. All this is gonna have to be put on hold.

First, I had to worry that Marge was gonna kill him and now I worry about God. It’s like something up there really, really really does want him to be constantly tied up in shit. There’s no doubt about that, but I knew this years ago. I don’t know how he can delusion himself by thinking he could’ve had time for a kid, any more than that I could’ve handled it.

What I did amazingly handle was sleeping through his banging all day. Not smoking really helps and yes, it is better to be fat, look like shit, and feel good, rather than to wheeze, have a racy heart, and look good. He did wake me up 2-3 times throughout the day, but I just went right back to sleep. I still need to push my schedule up by at least 8 hours before I can comfortably see Melanie.

I asked Tom why he couldn’t go to his mother and say look, you’ve got the resources and funds available, so get some people in to help me for once, but he said we’re too deep into the project to call for help now.

Sex is gonna have to wait another week or two, and it’s not that I miss it cuz you know I prefer sex with the vibrator over sex with him, but I worry that this is gonna bring on another round of irritation. At least there’s stuff for that, though.

Tom told me he saw the dog across the street, and I was like - what?! He’s seen it and I haven’t heard it?! How can that be? Well, it turns out that this dog’s a really small dog and it’s kept indoors. Indoors!! Can you believe it?! Indoors! Well, at least that’s what appears to be the case so far, anyway. He said he saw it run out of the house as adults were standing around talking out front. He said he could hear country music coming from their house. He said the little girl across the street was playing with the collie kids. Every kid within a 5-mile radius plays with those kids.

I still can’t believe that we’re about to hit December and still, no one’s played ball at the freeloaders!! So this tells me that yes, she’s under the false, but wonderful impression that part of my shut-up-or-get-evicted deal with the city means that there must be no ball games either. Well, in a sense she’s right. I won’t stand for hours of ball-bouncing every week. No one that has houses all around them just a few feet away should be playing ball, anyway, any more than they should be leaving dogs out all day and all night.

Not that Tom would’ve obliged, but no one came out and told him to shut up and give them a peaceful Thanksgiving. Well, most others around here are anything but peaceful themselves between their music, dogs, and screaming kids. And I’m not surprised the people in the collie house stayed here all day, either. These people are just like the Ms were. They never go anywhere.

I wondered if this was the first potential obstacle as far as the testing goes and if God was thinking about sending me messages about him not agreeing with what I’m doing, but Tom said we’ve come this far, so let’s just get the kidney and uterus tests done. He said kidneys are important, and if we find out the uterus’s shape is bad (I vibe it could very well be bad, too) then we’ll know that’s the problem, and that’ll eliminate us having to bother with other tests.

It’s easy for me to say, let’s put the testing on hold till after we’ve moved and after we’ve built our dream house, which will take a few years, but nah. There’ll just be something else going on at that time. I’m wondering if this will ever fit into our lives and if God ever wants me to have any answers.

Later…

Gotta get Tom up in a few, but meanwhile, I was thinking of taking Benadryl to hopefully take a nap. That might push my schedule if I split up my sleeping, so I can end up being up during the next few days.

Later…

Maybe the collies have finally shut up. They went on and on and on. The people there probably had a shitload of company. Again, the people there are also very very lucky that we’re moving. But will it still be in June? I don’t know. If the roof can drag on this long and if so, many other things can too, what’s to say we won’t be able to move till 2002? As we get closer to June, we’ll see how my vibes are, cuz that’ll tell me more.

El cocko came in at 9:30 and I assume it picked its bitch up. It was too dark to be certain it was his car, but I’d guess it was. Its engine starting up didn’t sound like Bill’s and it definitely wasn’t a white car. I heard some familiar sounds that I didn’t like, though. I didn’t like those “packing” sounds I heard. These are the same sounds I’d heard when it’d come and go in the past. This took place over a course of 10 minutes or so. Now, how much fucking turkey can you unpack? I doubt it was turkey, and I wonder if he’s slowly bringing his stuff back, but freeloader beware! You step foot back here and so help you fucking God, you’re outa here! I’ll turn right around and contact the city and this time, I just may take it a step or two further than that.

This is the plan - to take a Benadryl at around 3 AM and sleep till around 9 AM when Tom comes home and starts banging away. Today he’ll be banging away over the bedroom, too. If I can sleep till around 9 AM, then I won’t go to sleep again till between 1:00-3:00 AM and will then be on days. If not, then I’ll just try to stay up as late as I can and I’ll just have my sleep dragged out longer than usual due to both his hammering and the Benadryl. Benadryl tends to put you out longer than usual, and if I’m sleeping on and off all day cuz of his hammering, that ought to help push my schedule. Tom says not to worry and that getting to my Monday appointment is a done deal.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1998 Well, that’s the first time I ever shit after taking a water pill the previous day.

The mailman was kind enough to let me have my doll catalog, after all, which came today. Tom said we’ll have to order the Sunshine and Lollipops doll, cuz her molds have been broken so time’s running out. I didn’t even notice that until he pointed it out. Well, she has been around for a while, so I’m not surprised. Rapunzel’s been around for a while too, so I’ll bet her time’s running out.

Summer Dream definitely has the best dress, but Winter Romance has the best face. Spring Promise and Autumn Reflection are just so-so overall.

I asked Alex to send a blank email to my mom as I was curious to see if she changed the name again. If he did what I told him to do, then according to him, there’s no such user. I’m not surprised.

Tom still thinks I would’ve not only been a good mom but would’ve been able to stand it physically. He thinks I’m a night person cuz Doe was when I was little. Yeah, I remember hearing her TV till really late at night on the other side of the wall. Sometimes the things I’d hear would scare me, too, when I’d hear screaming or scary music on the TV. Anyway, I told him Tammy’s always been a day person, and he said that at that time, what with Larry just a few years older, she probably was more on days. He feels that babies can adapt to their mothers and that mothers can adapt to them, and I’m flattered he has all this faith in me, but I don’t. I also know what’s in my cards and what’s not as far as that goes and I just thank God that I’m OK with it, as I have been for about a year now. 1998’s gotta be the best year of my life so far for moods and emotions. I got fat and I’ll always be fat, but I’ve had so much more happiness and peace. Things have been fairly quiet around here save for the fucking collies, I haven’t had constant bouts of depression over being sterile, so it’s great. I don’t miss all those depressing, frustrating crying spells!

I still haven’t seen Measles, and that one time I saw White Paws was the only time I’ve seen her since she disappeared. I wonder where she stays and why she and Mama Cat don’t come around at least once a day anymore. Can’t complain, though.

They haven’t moved in across the street yet, either. It’s too quiet and I don’t hear a dog.

I looked online but had no luck finding a dictionary. Not only would it be nice to have on the computer something that checks spelling for me, but it’d also be nice to have something that tells me what words mean.

Andy’s leaving for California early in the morning and he’ll be back Saturday. That’ll be good for him and that’ll give me a break from his calls for a few days. In his last message to me, he never mentioned my letter. I hope he gets it if he hasn’t yet, and that his mailman’s not like ours.

I don’t have a bad vibe for Turkey Day tomorrow, as far as next door goes. If they’re gonna be here tomorrow, which I don’t sense, then they’ll be hearing us, cuz Tom’s gotta get the roofing done by Saturday. They say it’s to rain this weekend, but I doubt it. I doubt it cuz most of the time they say it’s gonna rain it doesn’t, and cuz it almost never rains on weekends here. Well, I just hope to hell he gets it done before it rains and gets it done fast. I’m so sick of roofing, roofing, roofing, roofing!! It’s really getting to be a very old subject and I just want us to be able to get on with our lives for a week or two, till the next big project comes up, like other people’s computers, although God knows we have enough shit of our own to do. I’m just really goddamn tired of this roofing ordeal. He’s gonna have to be pounding away during my bedtime too, but it’s a lot easier for me to fall asleep to the sound of something than to already be asleep when it starts. Besides, I know what’s going on and it’s not someone deliberately trying to wake me up and piss me off, so I’ll survive just fine. Not smoking, and therefore not wheezing, helps a lot too.

There is the chance that my vibe’s wrong and next door has a big party here and acts like the fucking assholes they did on Easter by playing a 3-hour ballgame to join into our noise and give it right back, but I doubt it. I really think they’re gonna wait till after he’s done and after they see the dumpster’s gone.

Speaking of the freeloader, Bill just dropped the bitch off.

I decided it’d be nice if I listed the title and author of the books I’m reading. Well, yesterday I began a book by Patricia Wallace called Twice Blessed. I read 100 pages yesterday and intend to read more today.

My period’s starting. Why a week early, though?

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1998 Although I didn’t sleep too well last night, I still have that good, positive vibe I had all day yesterday (and I vibe a peaceful Thanksgiving too). I woke up 4 hours after crashing and had to take a Benadryl to fall back asleep as tired as I was, then I woke up several times in between till I got up at 2:30 to stay. I’d like to flip my schedule forward at least 12 hours, but with this fucking roofing ordeal, who knows? I’m starting to feel like this damn roof will never be done! It’s hard for him to balance roofing time with his regular job.

There’s a city van in front of the freeloader’s house. I wonder what they’re doing. I also wonder how they feel about finding Bill there again, and I know this isn’t the first time they’ve found him there. Meaning, do they suspect he lives there?

I like having Bill here in the daytime. It keeps people away from the basketball hoop, and I don’t have to worry about being blamed if their house gets broken into. However, one can blame me for anything they want to cuz if I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it.

Later…

Just had some grapefruit. I’ve heard of people going on grapefruit diets where they have nothing but grapefruit, but I’m getting so sick of working so hard to stay at 115 pounds and going hungry so much of the time. Once again, for the millionth time, I’m thinking of just letting myself go. This isn’t natural. You need to eat more at this age and be heavier. My body’s crying out for more food and for a good 10-20 more pounds. I look like shit at 115 anyway, so does it really matter if I gain weight? I just won’t be able to enjoy rocking, but we’ll see.

Tom’s done roofing for the day.

Later…

I just changed the mice’s cages. It’s easier on my allergies if I don’t change everyone at once. I do the pig and rat one day, then the mice another day. The guys one day, the ladies another day.

I checked for email, which I thought I’d have tons of, and got an IM from Alex. So, I added him to my address book and my buddy list.

Andy beat me to it as far as him returning that paper with different fonts and checking the ones he likes. I sent him a SASE in my letter to him, cuz he had said he didn’t have any envelopes, so knowing how broke he always is, I thought I’d help him out, but he sent me these sheets back today. So he can keep the SASE for something else or cover up my name and use it for whatever he wants.

He picked the fonts I thought he’d like. The ones that are easier to read. He also decorated the envelope with a picture of the original Charlie’s Angels and the cast of Twin Peaks. He also cut out strips of old letters I sent him.

So, the freeloaders will get a few goodies added to their write-ups. I stuck in these fonts with Andy’s handwriting and with his picture bordering the two pages, and also, a sheet of stationary Kim sent. On the sheet they’re getting, she writes about how Bob’s against her ruining her beautiful tits and all that BS.

At 4 PM there was an anonymous call hang-up. Was it Andy or are the freeloaders at it again?

I took an old gray, sweatshirt dress that I’ve had for what might be half of my life, and cut its sleeves. It looks and feels better this way.

As you know, Art was on America’s Funniest Home Videos (even if we joke and say he was on America’s Most Wanted). Well, Tom says they’re making a show called America’s Scariest Home Videos. He disagrees, but I told him that I’ll bet you anything that half the shows are home births. Babies that came too fast to make it to the hospital. That shit sells just as much as sex, drugs, violence, and rock-n-roll do. Anyway, he thinks it’ll be accident-type stuff.

I sometimes share my writings with Tom, and I shared with him yesterday’s entry. He didn’t get my sentence that said, that was Evie’s case till I came into the picture and she got pregnant. Of course, Tom doesn’t believe this stuff, but Evie’s got those two kids cuz of me. She’ll never know it, but I’m the one responsible for those kids existing. She wouldn’t have them if it weren’t for me, although I suppose if she were still meant to have them, someone else would intertwine with her having them. You see, I don’t just think things are meant to be for a reason, but when they’re meant to be is for a reason, too. Also, God intertwines and kind of mingles events with those that we know. I’m sure he decided before Evie was even born that yes, she would have two kids. However, he was gonna wait till she was older for reasons best for her, and also till I came into the family circle. This way God could kind of kill two birds with one stone. He has Evie wait till he thinks the time’s right, and he uses it to hurt me. Back then I really wanted a kid really bad and God knew I’d feel left out, hurt, and jealous if someone was having kids in the family.

Tom told me he heard that antibiotics can help a woman get pregnant, cuz the antibiotics kill off bacteria that can kill sperm. My response was, “Then why wasn’t I oh so fertile in my 20s when I was always on those things?” He said I wasn’t screwing like I am now. True. I only did it 15 times or so before I met Tom. Besides, I know my problems are a lot more serious than just popping antibiotics. It would take much more than that to fix me if I were even fixable. Also, women can only have female babies cuz the chromosomes that make up male babies are less resilient.

Later…

God, I am so sick of this shit! I’m so sick of having to have just a few bites a day and going so hungry so much of the time in order to stay at 115 pounds! Anyway, I gained a few pounds cuz I gave in to my hunger too many days in a row and had 1500-2000 calories a day. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day in order to lose weight and do you know how fast 1000 calories go?! It’s like telling a smoker who’s been used to smoking a pack a day for a long time to suddenly cut down to 3 cigarettes a day. There are hundreds of calories in just two bites, so having 1000 is close to starving, I’m sick of this struggle and I’m getting closer and closer to just letting myself go. I’m tired of the constant hunger. Besides, I’ll never be thin again, and if I were 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, it’d be hell trying to hold it. I’d go back to 115 pounds in just a week.

No wonder so many women are miserable. Especially the ones my age and up. They set unrealistic goals. They try to get “thin,” but that’s just not possible when you’re older. You can lose a few pounds but beware of the hell it takes to do it and to keep those few measly 5-10 pounds off. Older people are naturally plump cuz that’s just the way God designed us to be.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1998 I have wonderful news, but first, the light blue car is here. Bill’s still here too. I don’t think it’s a coworker in that light blue car. I mean one who happens to be black too, and who happens to have a car that goes with this bitch’s people’s cars? I doubt that. It’s too coincidental. There are probably mostly other poor, lazy blacks going where she goes, though. Although, I wouldn’t exactly call her lazy. She gets out regularly, 5 days a week. She’s just mean, broke and stupid.

The people across the street aren’t all moved in yet, Tom told me. Yeah, I know. No dog yet.

Our dumbfuck mailman gave me a catalog that belongs to N. 21 Dr. I’m sure they got my doll catalog too.

I had bad allergies last night like I do once a week or so.

Andy’s going to be going to California after all. Good for him. He’ll be going from Wednesday to Saturday. Good. Then he’ll get the letter I sent him before he goes. He should get it tomorrow.

He broke down and got high. I told him I still love him anyway, and always will no matter what, even though I like him better sober. As I told him, though, I believe someday he’ll quit for good. Just like I quit cigarettes for good after years of many failed attempts.

He said he was proud of me for taking the first steps toward getting tested. He said he’ll support whatever I decide to do. Now that’s being a good friend. He said he was shocked too, and didn’t think I’d ever go this route. Neither did I. Anyway, I filled him in on the basics, and I also filled in Evie, Kim, Tammy, and Marla. Yup, I heard from Marla! She’s just been busy as hell.

Anyway, this doctor’s right by the Crystal Creek complex and she’s pretty nice. So is her nurse. No one there is as attractive as Melanie. They’re all just there, but at least they’re nice and seem to know what they’re doing, and that’s what counts.

They’re remodeling their office, though, and man was it dusty!

I didn’t have to wait as long as I thought I’d have to and there weren’t a bunch of pregnant teens with wailing kids.

First she weighed me as 119 since doctor’s scales are always 4 pounds more than regular scales, then I tried unsuccessfully to give a urine sample. I should’ve remembered this! I should’ve drunk lots of water.

Got a freeloader update before I go on. That light blue car backed into the street to let Bill out and I saw the driver again. A very tall and very thin black lady with two girls that were about 8 and 10. No older than 12 and no younger than 6 for sure. After she backed the car up, the freeloaders and these two girls ran around screaming and jumping up at the basketball hoop (I thought they were gonna play ball) for a minute or so, then they all went into the house. I just came out of the bathroom to check and I saw the tall woman, the bitch, and one of the bigger girls get into the car, but I assume this girl’s sister and the freeloaders were in the car too. They just took off somewhere.

My guess is that this tall thing is the bitch’s sister and that the two girls are nieces of the bitch that I was supposed to have ordered not to play around here.

Anyway, the nurse took me into an exam room, took my blood pressure, and asked a few basic questions, assuring me the doctor was really nice.

Then the doctor herself came in to get me to bring me into her office to ask me some questions.

The doctor was friendly, and in her mid to late 40s, I’d guess. She had short blond hair and was of average weight.

She asked me how often we had sex. I told her once or twice a week. I told her of my ear when she asked if I’d had any surgeries. She asked when I got my first period and I told her I was about 10. I told her for nearly 3 years when I was in my teens I didn’t get a period. She asked if I was ever told why, and I said no, but I had my theories that it was maybe related to medications. I also hadn’t been eating well back then.

I told her I wanted to see her cuz of the DES, how Cigna got several bloody cultures, and that I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten pregnant.

She asked if I were ever involved in any violent sex acts, or if I’d ever had any sexual diseases. She asked if I were married and if I worked.

She said she’d love to meet Tom after I said I wanted to bring him in next time.

I forgot to mention the atypia that Cigna said I had, but if it’s any big deal, they’ll find it and tell me what to do about it.

She asked when my last period was and when my last exam was, and I mentioned the screwy periods. She said it could very well be normal. Especially since after the spotting, my period’s light and doesn’t last long.

We were wrong in thinking that if my uterus was shaped funny an ultrasound could see it. She said it can’t and therefore, I have to have a test that’ll see its shape because from what I gather, the shape of the uterus can complicate getting pregnant. That was Evie’s case till I came into the picture and she got pregnant.

She said she’s known DES people who have had no problems getting pregnant, but the 3 problems some DES people have are conceiving, suffering miscarriages (something about ruptured membranes which I don’t quite get), and cervical cancer.

She seemed so sure of my situation, though, and once used the words “when we get you pregnant” in one of her sentences to me. She sounded too sure, if you ask me, even though I had no bad vibes of any kind.

She said I could use Vagisil or something that you put in your bath (I forgot the name of it) if I get any irritation around the opening.

Unexpectedly, she recommends kidney testing saying it’s important. The ears and kidneys form at the same time.

I thought I’d have to call Dr. Brown and ask to be able to see Dr. Wells again and do whatever she recommended, but nope, they know each other and I don’t have to do a thing. They’re gonna take care of getting things approved by Dr. Brown. In a week, I’m to call Vicki, a woman who works in the office, about going for the kidney/uterus tests. If I haven’t heard from the nurse in two weeks, I’m to call for my pap results.

After the doctor and I talked, she took me back to the exam room where she listened to my lungs, which she said sounded good. That’s a first. She listened to my heart too, which she said was beating a mile a minute. Really? I felt calm, though.

She said what she could see from the outside of me looked good after she checked my tits.

For the first time, I didn’t ask for the smallest speculum. The exam is still uncomfortable, but it was easy compared to before I knew Tom. I had cramps for a little while and some bleeding afterward.

After getting the kidneys/uterus tests, Tom and I will meet with her for a 1-hour consultation.

She said there was something (that I can’t remember) that was supposed to be visible on some DES people around their cervixes but I didn’t have it. That’s good, I guess.

I fixed my ear, I’m fixing my teeth, so I may as well fix my plumbing if I can! I still don’t see a child in my cards whether I wanted that or not, but whatever’s meant to be will be and whatever’s not, won’t be. I’m just gonna try to keep my mind and doors open to different possibilities. I know I’ll feel much better if I understand more about why my body is as it is and if I know what my options are.

I said something to Tom about wishing I’d gone earlier in our marriage, knowing I was sterile, and knowing I wanted a kid very much back then, but he suggested that it may have put too much stress on the relationship back then. He doesn’t feel stressed out by it now, though. Well, we’ll never know what would’ve happened if we’d gone in 1994-1996, but I think our love was strong enough then to endure it, even stronger now, and as Tom said, these things keep progressing with time. He’s right. Each day that passes, I love him more and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Well, let’s just put it this way. If we were meant to have gone earlier, we’d have gone. If we weren’t meant to go now, we wouldn’t have. However, that doesn’t mean that just because I now have a good vibe and just cuz today went smoothly, God’s not gonna step in and block us later on. We’ll just have to see. I’ll be damned if I’ll fight and struggle for something I’m not meant to do, though, and have to pay the consequences for “disobeying” God. If he starts throwing hurdles at us, I’m calling it quits. I’ll just carry on with my curiosities. I’d rather not, but if I’m not meant to have any answers, I won’t.

Later…

Thank God they don’t predict rain for the week, cuz the roof’s not likely to be done till Wednesday. They went as far as Friday saying there’d be no rain. Thank you, God!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1998 I’m just one day away from my appointment, but I’m not nervous. I should be, though, I suppose, since most people are when it comes to seeing new doctors. I told God, “I’m confused. I don’t know what you want from me. Do you want me to get tested? Should I get tested? Show me the way.” I believe he will. The more something’s meant to be, the more the way is paved for you with fewer obstacles. If it’s not meant to be, you’ll be blocked. Maybe make sure that Tom doesn’t cooperate like he said he would? Cuz that’d end it all right then and there as far as testing goes. I’ll quit right then and there. I’m going to this doctor to deal with why I’m sterile. Not why he won’t cum.

I keep saying my appointment with Melanie is on the 29th, but in truth, it’s on the 30th.

Tom said they only made one quick run across the street yesterday. Well, that explains why I haven’t heard the dog. It’s not here yet. He said he saw them today, too, but again, they obviously aren’t gonna be all moved in today either, cuz I don’t hear no dog. If they don’t have a dog, I guarantee you they’ll be getting one within a month. I don’t have a bad vibe about them, and things always quiet down as I get close to making a move, but 9 out of 10 houses have dogs, so why not?

I wonder what God will compensate me with when we move. There’ll be no noise/neighbors to stress out over, and he won’t replace neighborly noise with child noise since he knows I can’t handle that, so what will he do? Give me health problems? Time will tell.

At around 9:30 this morning, the cock was on the street. Why would he only park in the driveway that one Sunday only? Maybe cuz he was too lazy to haul laundry to the street, and maybe cuz it knew it’d be here all day and coming and going a lot.

I was amazed to weigh 115 pounds yesterday at the end of my day and after being stuck for two days. I woke up at 113 pounds, though, and took a dump.

I forgot to mention a couple of other things about Andy. He went into the studio where Stevie does her recording and offered to clean the place which was trashed. He found a tape that said Stevie soundboard something and he stole it. He said the quality of it was great and sounded better than any CD he’d ever heard. So now he’s trying to get a job volunteering to clean in there so he can see her work.

Another thing he said that I got a kick out of was, “If I have AIDS, I won’t let anyone else touch me, but I’m gonna be the biggest slut I’ve always fantasized about being.”

Later…

No freeloader shit. Like I said, they’re gonna wait till he’s done before they let us have it right back. All I saw was that light blue car and a tall, skinny, black lady with a cap on getting into the car and leaving. Never have I seen a white person visit them. They’re not good enough for most of them to be visiting anyway, even if most people are assholes, no matter what the color.

There is one thing I do dread about tomorrow. Not the appointment itself or the doctor, but all the waiting I’ll have to do. I know this waiting room is gonna be the opposite of Melanie’s. It’s gonna be filled with pregnant teens that’ll piss me off and tons of screaming kids, and I’ll have to wait for a half-hour or more till seeing the doctor. I’m not looking forward to that at all, so I’ll take a puzzle book since I won’t be able to concentrate on reading.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1998 What a stupid thing to do. Yesterday I was stuck and I took a water pill cuz I felt all bloated and watery, but the day after taking a water pill I can’t shit. So now I have to be stuck two days in a row, whereas I probably could’ve shit today if I didn’t take the water pill yesterday.

Another stupid thing to do was to tell Andy in a message I left him to wait till we can talk live next week before he calls since it’ll just be a busy weekend around here as usual. Sure enough, what’s he do? He goes and calls anyway. Must he go and call just so he can say he went and did the opposite of what I told him? Why are people so obsessed with doing the opposite?

Later…

It looks like Mary may care about Tom’s roofing adventures. She called and left a message while I was talking to Andy, which I’ll get into later, and said she was just checking to see how he was, call when he gets a minute.

What do you really want Mary? What do you really want? Computer work? Car work? Plumbing? Stuff your own husband could and should learn to do for you if he wasn’t so lazy?

As for the roof - the old roof is all stripped off now and now Tom’s hammering the new shingles on. Something the freeloaders can hear loud and clear. I’ll bet you anything that next weekend, or the weekend after, I’ll be hearing from them for this, but fuck them. We needed a new roof and if they can’t handle that, they’ll get theirs for it.

El Cocko was parked on the street at 9:30 this morning, Tom told me. All I saw when I went to look out front was him in a red sports shirt and a backward cap leaning in the front seat of the car. Then he went back to the house. Then a few minutes later he got in the car and left. I don’t think anyone was with him. Mistake could’ve been, but I don’t know for sure.

Why was he parked in the street on a Saturday, though? Maybe the city only takes off Sundays when dealing with their subsidized houses and checking up on them. Now that they know this bitch’s broken at least two rules (cock/dog) they’ll be keeping a closer eye on her.

Tom and I talked about hiring someone to come in and clean up all the nails and roof bits that are all over the sides of the house, but that’d take money away from paying bills. Also, they’d probably do a half-assed job.

Now I’ll get into what’s going on with Andy. Well, he’s really miserable again. God, he’s so much like I used to be. Just an occasional bout of happiness, then it’s the same old, same old again. Will he ever get out of the rut he’s been in?

Anyway, after I saw him leave two calls in a row with his name showing, I picked up knowing something was wrong and that he needed to bitch. I told him to show his name when it’s urgent.

He hasn’t broken down and gotten stoned yet, but he bought some weed since he feels it’s inevitable that he’ll break down sooner or later. He also said that it’s a really good kind of weed that only comes around for a short time every handful of years. I didn’t know there were different kinds of weed.

Tom and I were wondering how he could manage to get time off to go to California when he just started a new job. So I asked Andy about it today and he told me that with temp agencies, you work when you want and make your own schedule. All you have to do is give a week’s notice.

The plan was that Laura would take Andy’s car to New Mexico to spend Thanksgiving with her family. Then Michelle’s mom and boyfriend would drive to San Diego on the 22nd and go to the boyfriend’s family’s house. The next day Michelle and Andy would go there in Michelle’s car. They’d stay in San Diego for two days, then go up to L.A. for a day, then home. Now Andy’s pissed cuz he cleared time off from both the temp agency and Red Lobster to go, but he may not be going after all. Michelle’s car got broken into. They broke windows and stole her CD player. So, who knows if he’s going?

The thing about it is that he doesn’t have to worry about clearing time from the temp agency after all cuz he no longer has that job. Just a part-time job at Red Lobster for pitiful money.

Andy says he’s so pissed at himself and wonders when he’s gonna learn to keep his mouth shut. Yup, you got it. Andy got fired for talking too much yet again! He admits to his big mouth, but once again, God and society’s double standards really piss him off. It’s OK for the girl to his left to talk about her suicide attempts, and it’s OK for the girl to the right to talk about how miserable her kids and husband make her, but when the gay guy speaks up, it’s not acceptable!

So he went off on his boss about it and left a picture of a guy in boxers on his desk that he tore out of a Rolling Stone magazine he was reading. Then he called for a second chance and was told by the woman he talked to that she heard he left a picture of a naked guy on his desk. So that pissed him off cuz the guy in the picture was not naked. Then he says, “See? When people don’t like you or are mad at you, they twist the truth, exaggerate, and get into all-out lying.” Yes, I know very well. I’ve seen Dureen, Art, Larry, Tammy, and many others do this.

Then he goes to this other agency and gets told that there’s nothing available when he knows there is. He thought about it and thought about it, then realized he looked like an IV user cuz of the blood test they did to check for AIDS which left a black and blue mark on his arm.

Yeah, I guess Marla, who’s been super busy, talked him into getting an AIDS test. He’s got to wait till around my birthday for the results and he’s terrified. He said he had a dream that the test was positive, and he couldn’t believe it. Andy always practiced safe sex until Quinn. With Quinn, he wouldn’t use rubbers cuz he hates them. He’s pissed at himself not only for opening his mouth at work but for having unsafe sex and giving in to anal sex like he swore he never would. He said he let Quinn cum up his ass. The most dangerous thing to do, and that the bible says is a sin. I reminded Andy not to jump the gun, though, and assume the test is positive. Also, don’t believe everything you read. I could write a book saying being tall is a sin, but that doesn’t make me right. I told him what’s done is done and I don’t think any kind of sex is a sin as long as those involved are of age and willing.

Later…

A white car just came in and honked, but it’s a different one. Not the one with the thick black trim. It’s been 5 minutes, but no one’s gotten out of that car. What? Did it pull in, honk, then go up to the door? It couldn’t have just gone up to the door? What was that honk saying? Was it saying something like, “Yeah, I hear you with all your hammering? But next weekend or the weekend after, you’ll be hearing us.”

Well if I do, they’ll just keep on hearing me and we’ll keep on going back and forth till they either shut up or get evicted.

Tom was on the roof when this car pulled in and he said he heard voices. I didn’t hear them yelling this time around, though.

As I was saying about Andy - he said he’s a very angry man now and that if he finds out he has AIDS, he’s gonna destroy Quinn’s memory by telling everyone he and Quinn were an item (only a few know) and then he’s gonna track down this girl who he believes gave Quinn AIDS, and beat the fuck out of her. See, Quinn was a major druggie and a slut. Andy’s the only guy he made it with, though, except for his brother who molested him. There were rumors saying that a girl Quinn made it with between his time with Andy, had AIDS and didn’t tell Quinn till afterward. In fact, Andy wondered if Quinn killed himself cuz he found out he had AIDS. Quinn was also just plain old miserable and was looking at jail time, too, for the drugs, but only Quinn knew for sure why he did what he did, and as cruel as it may sound, I commend Quinn for killing himself and God for allowing him to do so. This world doesn’t need people like Quinn. I told Andy that having AIDS isn’t a death sentence anymore, although he thinks it is. They have medications for that that’ll sustain his life and they’re on the verge of a cure, too. He can get treatment and therapy for free since he’s poor. Thank God for this, too. He also told me he might ignore me for a while if it’s positive out of shame and all the emotions he’ll have over it. I told him it’s fine to need time alone but to remember he can call me if he needs to talk. I told him to let his name show on the box like he did today if it’s urgent and be anonymous if he’s just calling to say hi.

He’s gonna have to go out for the hundredth time job-hunting, but at least he has the money for next month’s rent set aside, so all he has to come up with is money for bills.

Michelle goes by astrology when predicting things, I go by instinct and the feelings that come to me. Well, according to Andy, Michelle knows her stuff and is always right. One of the things Michelle predicts is that she and David won’t cut it together because Leo and Aquarius don’t mix. Well, I don’t know if that’s the reason, but all the Gemini and Leo women I’ve known are assholes, but I don’t know about guys. Incidentally, Dureen’s a Gemini, and Tammy’s a Leo. Anyway, the reason I don’t see them working out is that Andy’s not meant to have a loving relationship. It’s just not meant to be any more than I was ever meant to be a singer or a mother.

Andy says he still wants to try his best to make the relationship with Dave work out, but there are a couple of things Dave does that really pisses him off. He asks questions, and then when Andy goes to answer, he cuts him off and interrupts constantly. So Andy did it back to him and he got pissed. Andy’s like - how do you like it? Andy also hates how he’s so “Brenda-ish.” He’s possessive and jealous and Andy’s afraid he’ll smother him. As Andy said, though, if he and Dave don’t work out, he can always go live with one of his brothers. It’s not like he knows no one there.

I’ll be sending him an encouraging, inspirational letter sometime soon, cuz I know how much those things really cheer him up.

Later…

Am I going deaf? I can’t complain, but I didn’t hear the white car leave. No doors, no engine, no nothing. That tells me that she didn’t leave in this car since she and her little cock were always the biggest door slammers around here. Well, it is hard to hear over all the hammering.

Tom just tore his second pair of shorts on nails. He’s now wearing one of his two pairs of long denim pants that he wears to work.

He returned Mary’s call and spoke to her and Mom about how the roof was going. Mary didn’t get into it, but they found bad things with the thyroid they took out. She has an appointment coming up and so does Ma. They’re gonna get their own rides, though, cuz I have an appointment on Monday. They didn’t hit him for computer work, but they will when he’s done.

He says Eileen’s probably gonna make up for the little cupcake payment he got for doing the daughter’s computer when he gets around to taking care of hers. Eileen pays him fairly, so that’s good.

It looks like sex will be postponed until next weekend, which is OK with me. Tom brought up something I almost brought up, but I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea and think I was trying to get out of sex. He suggested we don’t screw till after my appointment, so it doesn’t interfere with the pap. Normally I’d say that he was making excuses, but no, this is a great, sensible idea.

Later…

Bill’s here now. What’s he doing here on a Saturday?

Actually, he just left. I know the sound of that car starting up very well now. It’s weird for a Caddy, but it makes a coughing sound as its starter catches. It left without the bitch, so she ought to be home still and listening to all Tom’s hammering.

Later…

The renters are here, and to my utter amazement, they don’t seem to have a dog. Yet. They will soon enough, though. From what Tom could see, it was a couple with a 5-year-old girl. I guess this is good. Then I don’t have to worry about college kids or teenagers banging in and out, or basketball games. They don’t have a hoop over there, but those things can always be bought.

He also says that at the old man’s house on the other corner, there’s a woman and kids living there. The guy’s still there, though, so who knows who these people are? Maybe they were the trailer people and they decided to move in and ditch the trailer. I saw a woman with screaming kids in the street the other day, but if they’re living there, why don’t I hear them? From what I saw, there were 2-3 little ones, and that’s major noise, so why don’t I hear them all day long when I’m up? Maybe because the garage separates our houses, along with the street.

Later…

Tom accidentally cut his finger while cutting paper, so I gave him a Band-Aid.

You have to put down felt paper on the bare wooden roof before you put the shingles down. He’s on the fun, quick, and easy part now. Stapling down the paper. Then he’ll be nailing down the shingles, but the shingles are big, so it won’t need 10,000 nails. He still feels he’ll be done tomorrow, but we may need to keep the dumpster past Monday for our clean-up job. For our cleaning, he’s gonna go look for this magnetic rake they have that’d be great for picking up the millions of nails that are around the house from the three asinine layers that were there.

Later…

Still no mail. Is he late? Or did he give our mail to someone else?

It’s dead quiet at the old man’s house, so maybe the woman and kids were just visiting.

Later…

I guess the bitch did leave in that white car. Tom saw her being dropped off from that car a little while ago.

Tom’s heading to Sears in a little while to pick up some more stuff we’ll need.

I’m just gonna relax and read for the evening.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1998 Woke up at 115 pounds, since I had KFC yesterday and more. I always go back to 115.

Got a letter from Kim, cuz her computer is fucked up. She and Walt are moving into a big duplex house in Northampton. Just what is the story with her and Walt? Did Walt conveniently decide he wants kids just to hang onto Kim? Or is Kim OK with his not wanting kids and willing to give that up?

Anyway, since she sent me a regular letter, I’ll send her one too, using our wedding picture bordering the paper.

I took the four remaining Christmas cards I have and made one out to Mary & Dave, Mom, Steven & Carol, and David & Evie.

I never want a damn thing again to do with Nora, Ray, Ryan, Jackie, Jim, or Pam. The only reason I associate with Mary, Dave, and Mom still is out of respect for Tom. Meanwhile, Steven, Carol, David, and Evie never did anything to us. Neither did Ryan, Ray, or Nora, but I just don’t want to bother with anyone connected to the Jackie, Jim, and Pam clan. I don’t dislike Mary and Dave, although as with Mom, I resent how they’ve used Tom. Mary and I have things in common (rodents/sterility) and Dave’s funny and cool to be around.

Tom got a dumpster extension. They were supposed to get it today, but he’s keeping it till Monday. We thought they’d charge $100 for the overtime, but nope. Just $5 a day.

He says he’ll be done on Sunday, but I don’t know. Then he says we can get on with life. Yeah, for two weeks.

I printed out some more stuff for the freeloaders and their stuff will have to go in two manila envelopes. Not cuz there are too many papers but cuz the pages fit snuggly into the envelopes and leave no room for the wire binder. So I had to trim the edges of the pages to make them fit into the envelope.

Tom says it’s no wonder my lungs still get tight and congested. He said it’s big-time polluted out there. Worse than L.A. He says I should improve when we move. Well, I hope so, cuz yesterday when I was singing, I’d swear I still smoked if I didn’t know any better. And I was wondering again why God ever bothered to give me the voice in the first place if I can’t fully enjoy it. I have to stop and keep clearing my fucking throat. I never would’ve quit smoking if I’d known it’d make me so fat and not help me more than it has, although it does save us money, and since quitting, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, I stopped wishing we could have more sex and stopped wanting a child. Maybe it’s that I’m used to not counting on full-time sex with this guy and maybe it’s just because I know a kid’s not meant to be, but my life truly has improved in other ways since quitting smoking, and I wheeze my ass off, so I won’t complain.

Later…

Tom tore off 3,000 pounds of roofing. When he’s done there’ll be 1,000 pounds of roofing. The stupid idiot males who lived here throughout the years put layers of roofing on. There are three layers. That’s how and why things got so fucked up with it. Women should do more of these kinds of things. They’re smarter. But Tom’s as smart as most women. In fact, I think we’re both smarter than most people, female or male, so we’ll figure it out.

A guy driving by got out and asked Tom if he does roofs. He said only on his own house he does.

He may get promoted to bossing people around instead of bossing work around, which he kind of doesn’t want. He’d rather boss work than people, and he doesn’t want to be locked in for another year like he would be if he got promoted in that way, and he still wants days. These would be 2nd and 3rd shifts. He doubts he’ll get this promotion, though, cuz the others who are eligible have been there longer. But are they as good as he is?

Tom saw both dogs two yards down. He says they’re both collies. Why are their barks different then? He says it’s not just cuz of the chain-link fence that causes them to bark so much, is the house’s location too. They can see all the way down another alley that we couldn’t see from our yard if we had a see-through fence of some kind. The alley’s sort of L-shaped. Well, they’re on the corner of the L. So they can see a lot more to get stirred up over than a dog could in our yard if we didn’t have all block walls. I wonder why it is that we have all block walls, the freeloaders have all block walls (although they have a double gate and not a single gate in the very back by the alley), but these assholes have a chain-link fence in the back. Only their sidewalls are block walls.

I’m doing laundry now and hanging out the heavier stuff since our dryer’s sort of wimpy. The washer’s small and the dryer’s wimpy, but when we move, we’ll have a regular size and strength washer and dryer.

Later…

Bill must’ve gotten called away for something pretty important today. I didn’t hear any of this, except for the honk, but from what Tom could see on the roof, a light blue car dropped the bitch off at 11:00. Then Bill left. Then Bill returned a few minutes later. Then the blue car returned, honked, and the bitch left in it. The blue car’s probably some coworker.

The cock didn’t visit last night.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1998 Another day of Tom stripping the roof. As I predicted, he doesn’t think he’ll be done stripping today. He told me he realized that although he doesn’t want anyone putting the new roof on since they probably wouldn’t do it right, he should’ve at least paid the money to have someone come and strip it and haul the old roof away. Well, it’s too late now. All that hard work and mess and clean-up are on him. I offer to help him with picking up roof bits and nails, but he brushes me off. He said I could help with the stuff at the side of the house, but not for long since the dust isn’t good for me. I have a feeling part of the reason he doesn’t want me working in the front is cuz he worries I might attack the bitch. I wouldn’t do that unless she came on our property or threatened me from hers.

He’s gonna have to keep the dumpster till Monday, rather than Friday.

He said he doesn’t think the back room was added on in the 70s as he originally thought. This whole subdivision was built in 1950. He thinks that the back room’s been there all along and that it was one of those extra things that were optional that people could pay extra for if they wanted.

I had a flash vibe of me being 110 by February. In the past, I’d have been thrilled to know this, but now it kind of worries me. It takes the body about a year to adapt to major changes. It’s been just over a year since I quit smoking and it seems my old metabolism is poking through more and more. Well I awoke at 112½ pounds today, and we’ll just have to see if I lose more weight or not, but if I do, am I gonna have to pay for it in some not-so-cool kind of way? I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that if I had to choose between not wanting a child and being 125 pounds, and wanting one at 100 pounds, I’d take the 125 pounds and the not wanting that. I don’t ever want to return to my days of obsessively dreaming about the impossible. I only want material dreams from here on out cuz I can make material dreams come true in time. If my dream was to find a million dollars in the street, that’d be different, but I’ve never had such a dream like that eat at me year after year day after day and I’m sure I’d have to become a whole different person for me to dream such a far-out dream as that. Even my old dream of becoming a famous singer wasn’t as far out as that would be.

I asked Tom why he didn’t bring up adoption or foster kids. He said that although he disagreed with those judging others by their ages or their pasts, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that adopting would be a problem cuz of his age, and fostering would be a problem cuz of my record. Personally, I never had a desire to adopt or foster, thank God. I guess I’m just one of those who felt that if she wasn’t gonna have her own kid, she didn’t want anybody else’s, but that’s just me. There’s nothing wrong with those who adopt or foster, though, as long as they’re not like the second foster mother I had was. She lied to me and starved me, and her sick friend threatened me and scared the shit out of me. It’s a miracle I got out of there without her beating me to death. Or close to it.

I’m recharging my vibrator batteries now. They’re great cuz it’s like having the same batteries that last and last and last. I used to worry about my sex drive going up in time, too, but since I’d rather take care of my own orgasms, and since I don’t want a child and can’t conceive one anyway, it’s OK if my appetite goes up, cuz I can take care of it myself, and Tom’s busyness and my schedule won’t be a problem if it goes up again like it was a problem the last time it was up.

Speaking of schedules, I went to bed just after midnight again and got up at 8:00. I had to read a good 4 hours or so before going to bed to relax and tire me down. I might sleep later tomorrow though, cuz Tom, who has to get off the roof at 4:00 to sleep 7 hours before going to work, won’t get home till around noon tomorrow.

I should have no problem getting to the doctor’s Monday. It’s Melanie’s appointment a week after that that I question.

I hope we can take a shot at doing those T-shirts soon enough, and also, I’d like to go to the library to see what Ruby books they’ve got and to check out doll-making books. I might want to take their doll-making class someday if I can keep a schedule long enough to do so. I wonder how long and how often the class is? It was something like $50-$60 for the sign language classes and they went 8-10 weeks.

I commented to Tom how I was surprised Bill and Mistake didn’t hang out in the yard more. Tom said that he’s really old so he couldn’t keep up with it, nor would he be likely to even want to hang outside. I’m surprised I don’t hear that animal screaming all day, but I guess they don’t even open their windows over there.

Later…

It’s a bit cloudy out, but there’s no threat of rain over the next 5 days or so, according to the weather channel.

I was out getting my daily dose of color till the headphones began producing static. They’re great, though. No wires, no commercials, then you just charge them back up. No constant need to change dying batteries.

Later…

I was bored shitless for a while there, but I guess I should get into some writing now.

Tom went out and got himself something to eat and I got KFC. I’m making a pot of tea now.

Bill and Mistake were seen by Tom coming and going earlier, but the cock hasn’t shown up today. Yet. I’ll bet he will later. Yes, he was here again yesterday. From 7:00-7:45 last night.

Tom’s opinion is that he found religion and that’s why he’s been quiet even when he’s parked on the street, and he’s coming around more to see the kid. I highly doubt it. I think it’s her he’s coming to see and I think it’ll just be a matter of time before he starts pushing and testing and going back to his old shit whether or not he lives here again. If he does move back in, though, he’s gonna have to park on the street during business hours. However, I’ve already decided the day he moved out last July that we’d never again be neighbors and that’s final. He is not welcomed here, he does not belong here, he is not wanted here, and he cannot live here as far as I’m concerned. Not that the bitch is anymore welcomed, wanted, or a snuggly fit in this neighborhood either, but I can tolerate her existence while we’re still here so long as there’s no shit from her or her friends, cuz if there is, she’s gotta go too.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be wrapping it up soon for the day so he can get some sleep before work.

He said he was surprised his Ma didn’t call to ask how the roof was going.

Maybe she doesn’t care.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1998 Bill’s back today. I’ll bet you that cock won’t come in for lunch today, but we’ll see. I never heard any car doors yesterday picking her up or dropping her off, so I think she was home yesterday. She also had her lawn done just as the sun was setting by a black, a Hispanic, and a tall white dude with long hair. It could’ve been two blacks or two Hispanics, but anyway, the white guy got pissed at either one of the other guys he was working with or someone in the house, but I couldn’t tell for sure from my spying angle. I couldn’t make out anything that was said either. Just “Ay, ay, ay!” as the guy walked from the front of the house where their front door is, into the carport, then into the back.

So, I think she was home and the cock only came in for lunch cuz she was there. I doubt she was home cuz she couldn’t get a ride either, cuz couldn’t the cock have chauffeured her? Maybe she was sick or hurt or something like that. Wouldn’t it be great if yesterday was a case of karma where this bitch who normally adores noise, couldn’t stand to listen to Tom bang around yesterday while she was trying to read, watch TV, or even nap?

Someone was spraying for bugs across the street in the rental yesterday, but you know what? Here I am worrying about potential Mormons, dogs, or rowdy college kids with stereos, but what about the house next door where that cop used to live? It looks like he moved out a while ago, but who’s living there now? Nothing’s changed within that house. It’s still quiet. So did just the cop move out? Or did the whole household move? Are there new people in there now?

Tom said he saw one of the dogs two houses down and said that the reason they bark so much is cuz they got a chain-link fence. Yeah, I know that’s part of it. That’s why I really dread the renters moving in cuz they have a chain-link fence that wraps around to their front, so we can hear their new dog(s) loud and clear. It’d be like it was in its front yard barking and it’s just across the street from us, although anything’s better than just a few feet away. At least it won’t be just outside three of our windows.

Anyway, Tom says he only saw one of the dogs, which was a collie, and says those aren’t guard dogs. Whatever. All I know is that they bark way too fucking much and they’re lucky we’re moving. Real, real, real fucking lucky!

Got up at 8:30 today at 114 pounds. Tom got a late start and didn’t get up on the roof till 10:00 cuz he was picking up my meds and looking for stamps which nobody seems to have.

Tom called in and found out that there’s a number you can call to see if you’ve been dismissed from jury duty. Well, first they postponed him from today to tomorrow, and now they don’t want him in till February 8th.

Later…

OK, this is the third day in a row that that cock has shown up next door and I don’t like it. Both of us never thought he’d be in for lunch today cuz she’s not there. He never comes over when just Bill’s here. Unless she’s in there sick and Bill’s tending to her, which I highly doubt, I worry that he’s on the brink of coming back, although I don’t vibe it. Let him dare to come back, though, cuz he’ll be sorry!

Today and yesterday I’ve been working on getting some color since I’m practically as white as I was when I first came here. Tom came out to tell me they were recarpeting next door and I was like - fuck! Tell the city to come recarpet our house for nothing! Then he came back a few minutes later saying it looked like they were just cleaning their carpet and not replacing it. There’s a white van out there now, but no writing on it. No city emblem or anything.

Later…

Yeah, there is writing on the van. A limb of the tree was blocking it at first, but there’s small writing on the bottom of the driver’s door. All it says is: Operated by Metrolink, Scottsdale, AZ

Cock’s gone now.

Later…

The van was gone when I last checked at 12:45.

Wow! I actually got a little color. Since I have to be on days for the next two weeks, I may as well take advantage of it and sit outside and do my word find puzzles for a while every day. Putting baby oil on really helps, too.

Later…

I just helped Tom put together the wheelbarrow he bought for transporting old bits of roofing that he’s knocked off the side of the house by the freeloaders to the dumpster in front. It’s also a good thing to have anyway.

Fortunately, the dogs let us work in peace. Just Blackie was meowing, as usual.

He believes he’ll be done stripping the old roof off tomorrow. He’s only got the side of the house and by the cooler and AC to do. A little in the back freeloader corner, as I call it. The other is the back street corner.

He says it’ll only take two days to put the new roof on. That means Saturday will be his last workday, which seems a bit doubtful to me. That’s cuz he’s so lousy with estimating time. He’s great at 95% of the things in this world, but not time frames.

I asked him about the cop’s house, and he says he doesn’t know what the story with that house is or who’s there.

I pointed out how I realized recently that I haven’t heard the old man’s dog in a while, and he says it is gone. Even the trailer people are, but that may be because they couldn’t sleep well here. Ha, ha!

I asked Tom if he thought I could maintain 100 pounds as easily as I’m maintaining 115 pounds if I could get there tomorrow. He said that in this day and age, it’d be very hard to do. I asked him if this means that I’ll gain 15 pounds every 10 years or so, but he said that after gaining the weight that people typically gain when they go from young adulthood to middle age, they usually don’t gain more. You tend to lose weight when you’re old, though. Yeah, I figured and sensed that if I were ever 100 pounds again it’d be because I was old. Or very ill.

I contemplated just going through the 4-5 days of starvation to get down to 100 just to settle my curiosity and see if it is as easy to maintain as 115 is, but nah. Too much slavery just to almost be guaranteed to soar right back up here where I am in no time. It’s not natural to be thin at nearly 33 years of age. So, since I’ll never have a child, I should be around where I am throughout my life. I sure hope so, anyway. If I had had a child, I’d be hanging at an average of 140 for the rest of my life. Yuck!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1998 According to Tom, Bill’s not here today. Is his car dead again?

I got a really long email from Evie and in it, she said that since the roof is a big job to do alone, to call if we want help. How can David help? He has a full-time job and two kids. Plus, from what Tom’s said, he doesn’t exactly have the brains for this kind of work.

Between the way I’ve been eating the last couple of days and being stuck, I’ve gained a couple of pounds, so I’m only gonna have a bite today. I don’t want to go over 115 pounds if I can help it.

We went out yesterday to Walgreens and Staples. At Staple’s, we looked at digital cameras and Tom looked for a game, but couldn’t find anything of interest. I got cartoon disks, some color changer/stamper markers, and more iron-on sheets for the T-shirts.

At Walgreens, we were gonna get stamps and a puzzle for me, but we forgot the stamps and their puzzles were boring, so we just got nuts and chips.

Red Lobster called again looking for Andy. Looking for Mark, actually, cuz that’s the name he prefers to use nowadays. Why would they call here? I told the guy he doesn’t live here and he thanked me and hung up. Did Andy ever resolve his problems with those coworkers? He hasn’t left any messages about it, and that call he made on Saturday was his last call to me.

Spot has some kind of growth on her leg. A tumor, I guess, but she doesn’t appear to be in any pain or having trouble getting around despite how big her leg is at the hip area, fortunately.

As figured, the traps caught no mice of any kind either in the back room or the garage.

It’s 32” from the top of my head to my lower ass where the ends of my hair are (the longest ends, anyway). So that means my hair is more than half my height since I’m 59”.

After nagging Tom for months to trim the hedges and tree, I feel bad about it. First of all, he can’t help being so busy and having no time for it, and even if he did have time to do it, he doesn’t want to. He hates that stuff just as much as I hate dusting and vacuuming. So, he shouldn’t be pushed to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

Tom and I talked about taking care of ourselves sexually. I told him I liked vibrators better than my hand and that I thought of women when I’d take care of myself since I don’t need to fantasize about him, cuz he’s not a fantasy. He’s here with me in real life. He said he thinks of nothing in particular but sex when he takes care of himself. So he definitely is taking care of relieving himself as I always believed, but this is good. Better to get off by yourself than in no way at all, and I totally understand. Some of us just prefer to get off by ourselves. It’s easier that way, although his reasons are different than mine. He gets off by himself so he can’t risk impregnating me. I do it cuz he can’t know what I’m feeling. Only I can, and only I know what’s best and how to hit the spot just right that feels best to me. It’s much harder to tell a person how to do you than it is to just do yourself, cuz you know yourself and what feels best to you better than anyone else. It’s too hard to get off when he’s on the side and it takes forever, I can’t get off with him up top, and although to be eaten out is my favorite, that too takes some time because I have to keep on constantly telling him to go down lower, or up higher, or lighter, or harder. So, I may as well just save the orgasms for my own time alone, just like he saves 99% of his for himself to take care of.

So, since having sex with him just doesn’t feel as good as doing it alone, and since there’s no child to conceive motivating me, this is why I’ve come to be glad that he’s got such a low drive himself and that our schedules and busyness don’t allow us to be consistent with the sex. It’s just not something I look forward to doing anymore. I love to be close to him and to spend time with him, but the sexual part of it is not like a chore for me, but just a bore. Just something that I do and something I just go through the motions of doing. Since we both would rather orgasm on our own, I wonder why we even bother at times.

Later…

Thank God we don’t live several houses behind us. I was out brushing my hair and watching Tom, although I couldn’t see much of him since he was now at the front of the house when I heard this dog with an incredibly obnoxious bark. Worse than what the freeloaders had and maybe even slightly worse than the guard dogs, too, but that one’s too close to call. It sounded like the dog that the trailer people had. I still haven’t seen them in ages, by the way, but anyway, it had a whining, shrilly type of bark that’s between a cry and a scream. If that thing were just a few feet away next door, I’d kill those freeloaders for sure for having that right outside my window, then I’d set the dog free. I wouldn’t even wait the time it’d take to have them come out and investigate her having a dog she’s not supposed to have, then demanding she gets rid of it. Thank fucking God for her and for me that she can’t have a dog, cuz some subsidized situations let you have a dog. The NHA lets you have one dog or cat that doesn’t exceed a certain height and length.

If all dogs’ bark were like the one across the street, then they’d be a little easier to live with. The one across the street doesn’t bark much and it has a lower, softer kind of bark. That shrieking thing that I just heard, though, wouldn’t be able to be drowned out by fans if it were just a few feet away. Fortunately, though, it’s far enough away that you can’t hear it in the house.

Later…

The rest of this month is gonna be pretty tough on me. I’ve got the crotch doctor to see on the 23rd and Melanie to see on the 29th. I got up at 8 AM today. It’s too soon between now and the 23rd to flip my schedule, which I couldn’t do anyway with Tom’s working on the roof, and then it’ll be too soon between the 23rd and the 29th to flip it, so I’m gonna have to stay on days for the rest of this month. It’s gonna be soooooo hard.

The freeloader was in for lunch. It parked on the street since it’s not Sunday and the city maybe won’t do a spot check. I commented to Tom that the bitch must be home since Bill was not there and he was coming to have lunch with her, but Tom said he doesn’t think she was home cuz he seems to only come over when she's not here. Yeah, could be. Besides, this bitch knows enough assholes just like herself to give her rides. But why would the cock only come here if she’s not here? If she doesn’t want him around, and it does seem like they’ve been avoiding each other, why doesn’t she get the key back from him? And also, why can’t he go to his own place for lunch? Is it further away from where he works? Doesn’t she feel used by him coming to eat her food for lunch and to use her washer and TV?

Well, at least the black boy is behaving. It’s not slamming doors or banging bass. In fact, I wouldn’t even know it was here if Tom didn’t tell me. He’s the one that saw its car from the roof.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1998 Another day with Tom up on the roof. He said today’s going better than yesterday, but that if it takes till the weekend, fine. He had hoped to be done Tuesday, but since things take longer than expected, it may go till the weekend, but at least no rain is predicted all week.

I asked Tom if some of the roofing stuff will end up in their carport and he said yes, although he’s gonna do all he can to prevent that, naturally. I asked if he thought the bitch would run and try to have us served over it and he said no. She may not do that, but she’ll do something, although Tom disagrees. I’m thinking, though, we might be in for some more calls preaching racial harmony, although they’re gonna have to do that from a phone that they don’t mind us seeing the number to, like a payphone. So, maybe we’ll get some childish go-across-the-street-for-sex letters again.

The cock left right after the football game yesterday at 5:30 and there was no music or barbecue. Caddy kid’s on one of his absences, which is nice, but a spruce green car did bang by once. Other than that, it was a nice weekend, but as we get closer to the next weekend, I’ll be able to vibe whether or not it’ll be their turn to be heard. I know there’s to be a ruckus at least every 4 weekends or so, so we’ll see. They gotta put on some kind of show for me periodically to remind me they’re there.

I never did hear the bitch come in yesterday. Maybe she got in while I was listening to music, or in where the fan was on while reading, or after I’d crashed.

Later…

I was gonna go ahead and do some indexing of my '80s journals when I discovered 20 pages of journal 2 that I didn’t type up. How could I have missed it? Anyway, I typed and added that in.

I was surprised to wake up a pound lighter today when yesterday I had a TV dinner, popcorn, and 4 KFC chicken wings. As Tom said, maybe my body’s adjusting to not smoking. Maybe, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll stay at 115 pounds, give or take a few pounds, for a very long time.

Tom weighed himself too. He’s 213 pounds.

That dark green car just banged by again. It’s not as loud as Caddy Kid, but it still is way too loud. I can hear it long before he goes by the house. I can hear him while he’s still 15-20 houses away.

It looks like Tom’s not gonna be dismissed from jury duty, which won’t help with the roof work, cuz then he’ll have to take a day out of getting the roof done, just to go play court. That is unless he did get a dismissal notice that was delivered to N. 21 Dr.

No wonder this mailman keeps fucking up. I was wondering why he seemed to not give a shit. Why did he want to risk losing his job by being so careless with mail delivery? Well, as Tom pointed out and reminded me, he’s a government employee, practically invincible, and nearly impossible to get fired. So that’s why more mail is going to N. 21 Dr. I figured that he’d get written up and risk losing his job if I complained and that that would make him do his job right, but I was wrong. They don’t get written up. Somebody obviously talked to him, cuz we stopped getting other people’s mail twice a week. But what I didn’t realize at the time, like a stupid idiot, was that that’d only make him give more of our mail away and that’s apparently what he’s doing. I’d love to have a few minutes with this guy out front, but it wouldn’t do me no good. Besides, it won’t be the end of our world if we don’t get some of our mail, since most of it’s just junk and bills. I mean, I still don’t want my catalog I’m expecting to go to someone else, but if I don’t get it, I’ll just keep calling Ashton Drake till the mailman decides to give me one. We’ll have a PO Box when we move, though. Those are the best to have if you want to ensure that you’ll get your mail and your mail only and that others won’t get your mail, either.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1998 The sister in the white car with the thick black trim picked the bitch up at 7:30 this morning.

Tom just went to pick up some more roofing shingles and so far, the project’s going well. Tom feels that the strenuous work is done and now it’s just tedious work from here. He says the bitch’s roof is really nice, but not over the carport and patio. He says that’s put on all wrong.

Tom told me that the guy had originally tried to deliver the dumpster to that lady on N. 21 Dr. and that she said she gets our mail, too. Yeah, I believe it. Fucking prick mailman! I shouldn’t have bothered complaining about him cuz all it did was cause him to cut down on giving us other people’s mail, but not from giving others our mail. If I had a choice, I’d rather get others’ mail than have others get ours. I’m sure he’s been giving a lot more of our mail to her too, since my complaint. People will concentrate more on spiting you and getting back at you, rather than saving their job. He obviously doesn’t care if he loses his job or not. Either that or he doesn’t think he can lose it. Some people think they’re invincible.

Later…

Tom just went on the roof for his first work session of the day. He says to call him down at 11:00 if he’s not down by then. He said he was glad to know that the roof replacement would be less time-consuming and less costly than expected, but that he has to work with this messy black stuff that he hoped he wouldn’t have to.

Still no signs of Tanner. I really believe she got out of the house. Well, if I’m as right as I appear to be and sense I am, I hope she’s enjoying herself out there. Still, I looked to see if I could find duties or chewed paper, but couldn’t find any signs of her around the house.

Later…

The bitch isn’t back yet. She might not be back till 1:00 or 2:00.

I constantly have dreams with Dureen and Art in them. Even before I ditched them I did, but now it bothers me more, for obvious reasons. I closed the chapter of my life that included these people, so I don’t need them in my dreams. And in these dreams, I almost never know Tom. I’m almost always single.

Thursday night it was them taking me out to dinner or to some kind of party.

Friday night I was single, in my own apartment, and dancing again, and I happened to live right near them. So I walked over to their place and you could tell they were still mad at me, but they opened the door and let me in anyway. We really didn’t say much to each other. Marty was there and so was Goldie. Ma sewed something for me. Then after a while, I got up and said, “Maybe I’ll come see you again sometime.”

Last night they left me alone. If they were in any dreams, I don’t recall them.

There was a dream with Tom in it, though. Yeah, a nightmare that woke me up. I was able to go back to sleep after a while, though. We lived in a big 2-story house with a wide front porch. Tom was upstairs. I had the front door open and thought I heard a footstep out there so I went to check. At the same time, I saw the guy standing off to the side of the front door, he saw me. He was in his late teens or early 20s. I don’t know what he wore for clothes, but he had boots on of some kind. He had longish light brown hair that was wavy. He said a couple of things to me during the course of the dream, but I only remember the second thing he said which was, “Looks like you’ve been thinking about me.” I reacted in utter fear and began running to the stairs with this guy following. I called out Tom’s name, but due to my fear, my voice was too soft. I had just hit the bottom steps and called out Tom’s name loud enough when I woke up.

My reaction in this dream, though, was way out of real-life character for me. I was terrified in the dream, but in real life, I’d be way too pissed for any fear. I’d be furious that a stranger was invading my territory, as I’m very protective of my property and stuff after having Dureen and people at the Brattleboro Retreat and Valleyhead fuck with so much of my stuff. Stuff that meant a lot to me. I’d have reacted with an inhumane kind of fury and I’d have probably pounced on the dude whether or not he was armed. I’d take my chances of being killed before I’d just lay down and let someone abuse me or my stuff.

What I wonder is, do they constantly dream about me, too? I highly doubt Dureen, Art or Larry dream of me constantly. I feel like it’s only me that has them intrude upon my waking thoughts and intrude upon my dreams, but I can never know for sure what’s in their thoughts and dreams.

I’m almost back to 115 pounds. As I approach my period, I’ll be more like 117-118. God, my body is so comfortable at 115! I didn’t have to eat much more to get back up here. As is the case half of the time, though, I’m fucking starving right after I just had a TV dinner. I may give myself a break today and eat whenever I’m hungry. I can’t do that all the time like I used to, though, or else I’ll be 200 pounds eventually.

Tom surprised me last night by telling me he wanted sex this morning. I didn’t think we’d get around to that till next weekend. I’m around mid-cycle, and I couldn’t believe it, but he not only didn’t use the bathroom before sex, I thought he was gonna cum, too. Unless he was acting, he was close. I thought his excuse was gonna be that he was too horny. The most ridiculous one of them all. That’s like saying you’re too thirsty to take a drink. It was that he was too sore from yesterday’s hard work, which very well could’ve been the truth. Yeah, I think he was telling the truth. Lately, he seems to be making a point of letting me know it when he doesn’t cum. As if the guilt of keeping quiet and letting me “think” he’s cumming regularly is setting in.

Those that can get hard can cum. It’s those that can’t get hard to begin with that can’t cum. Nonetheless, he seems content and happy and that’s what counts.

Later…

I absolutely don’t believe it. The cock’s actually parked in the driveway! I haven’t heard any music yet, but I don’t like this being in the driveway deal. It is the weekend, though, so the city’s not gonna check up on that house, but since I knew they’d kiss and make up eventually, does this mean he’s moving back? He’s out of here if he even thinks for a minute he’s moving back here, cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll go back to listening to his music or his constant door-slamming that went on 6 times a day for 5 minutes each. It ain’t gonna happen, Mike, so don’t even think of it. You come back here, you’re outa here! And I’m gonna go even further than eviction, I’m gonna lay his ass right out front here if he goes back to his old shit, so help me God! I’ll do it right in front of any kids that may be over there too, and show them just what happens to naughty freeloaders who don’t give a fuck about others and who harass and provoke people that never did shit to them in the first place. Cock, you better be just visiting or your ass is mine! It’s fucking mine for once and for all like it should’ve been nearly 3 years ago.

I wish this bitch and that nothing piece of shit she’s with would break the fuck up and stay that way like 98% of the couples in this world do, but fat chance. They’ll probably be together on and off forever. And even if she had someone new tomorrow, it’d be just like this little fuck. A bitch like that that’s that selfish and rude could only get someone just as selfish and rude.

The cock isn’t seeing its freeloader during the week too much these days, so it’s my wishful thinking that he’s here just to see the kid. I know better, though. It’s her he wants to see. Probably wants to get laid.

Later…

When Tom came down to take a break, I asked him if he heard the cock bang in, since it’s hard to tell the difference with all the banging he’s making from up there. He said he didn’t hear a sound and didn’t even see his car there. I asked him if he thought the cock was moving in and he said no. Also, I asked if he thought they could hear it in their house through their double-paned windows and he said not a lot. It’s all the hammering that’s to begin on Monday and Tuesday that’ll be heard as he goes to put on the new shingles. But then that bitch won’t be there to hear it. Bill will be, but I ain’t got nothing against him. He never did me any wrong.

Anyway, Tom said he’s 100% sure that there’s no way rainwater, no matter how hard it rains, will get into the house when he’s done.

Later…

Tom came down for a break a while ago, and a half-hour ago, the cock left. All he heard from the living room was a car door, but no engine. I, who was in the kitchen, heard nothing. Then it came back a few minutes later and neither of us heard it. Tom guessed that he was here watching football and doing its laundry since there was male clothing on the line out back. They only have a washer in their washroom. No dryer. The cock probably lives in an apartment complex and if it has laundry rooms, good luck getting a machine on a weekend. When I lived at the Vista, I never did my laundry on weekends.

Another reason why we could be so blessed to get all the way into mid-November without any ball games is cuz the basketball people are now on strike. Although this doesn’t stop a sick bitch from sending kids she knows to take over next weekend in the noise department and give us back a taste of our own medicine with the banging and thumping. Nor would it stop the little girl who’s about 10 and lives at the guard dog’s house from playing. She wouldn’t care whether or not there was a strike.

Later…

Eileen wants more computer work. Of course she does. The house is sold. Oh, how I get the urge to call her back and say, “Look. There’s no time for him to work for you for cupcakes. We have too much of our own work to do, so buzz off!”

The bitch should be in any sec now, but the wuss puss just left and it wasn’t alone. Some other guy was with him and one of them did have a bag that could’ve had clothes in it.

Yeah, he never would’ve come and gone this quietly if it weren’t for the city letters. At least I don’t think he would and I doubt he got a sudden trait of consideration, either.

Later…

Tom just came down for a break and says there are still clothes on the line. Maybe they belong to the teenage boy that supposedly still lives there. Or maybe the cock and whoever was with it is gonna return later for them.

I set up a trap in the back room, but both of us think Tanner got outside. Tomorrow I’ll set up a trap in the garage. If it’s triggered, I’ll have to open the trap up outside slowly in case it’s not Tanner, cuz Tanner will just sit there, but a wild mouse will come shooting out of that thing.

Later…

Cock’s back. I really, really hope that this hanging out here on weekends is gonna be a rare thing. His presence really bugs me. The more he comes around, the more likely he is to stay here. This is a pattern I’ve noticed before. I will get him out of here if he does move back. No doubt about it. But it’s a fucking hassle. Just another hassle in my life that I don’t need and would rather not have to deal with. Maybe they’ll get into a fight again soon enough. They always do. Anyway, I’m sure he’s got a few more trips to make before he leaves for the night. I remember his weekends here oh so well. He’d come and go at least 6 times a day.

Cleaning up after the roof is all done is gonna be a bitch! There are nails and bits of roofing all around the sides of the house, and when he just went to dump the solar panel into the dumpster, glass shattered all over. What a fucking bitch it’ll be cleaning that up!

Later…

The fluorescent kitchen light just died. Great. Just what we need.

Tom’s calling it quits for the day. As I knew it would, it’s taking him longer than he planned. Also, he thought today’s work would be easier than yesterday’s, but nope. That’s not what he says now. My biggest question is, will it rain on him and ruin what he’s done and flood our house? They say clouds won’t be rolling in till Tuesday, which is a typical day for clouds to come in. If it’s gonna rain, it usually rains on Mondays or Tuesdays. Some weekday, anyway. Even if it’s clear until Wednesday, what if the job takes him a week longer than he expected? He always overestimates things.

Later…

The bitch isn’t back yet and the cock’s still here. If the bitch came back while we were out getting KFC and Arby’s, I wouldn’t know it, but I’ll know it if she comes in while we’re here by the door slamming and possible yelling I’ll hear. Tom thinks the cock knew she had somewhere to go all day and planned on coming over to do laundry and watch football.

Tom said he saw the cock come in with food bags, so there might be a barbecue. They can do anything they want, they just can’t pummel my house with their bass, nor can they bang and thump for hours a few feet away from my house with a basketball.

Tom said that at least 3 houses were playing loud music, but I didn’t hear a thing. He said the people across the street had music going while they were cleaning up the place for the renters. He said he could hear people cheering on the Minnesota Vikings down the street and then the lady came out of the music people’s house where the band used to piss me the fuck off, and she yelled, “I hate the Minnesota Vikings!”

Blackie doesn’t want to come in to eat and meow. He just wants to meow outside.

It’s a hot one out there today! It’s close to 90º.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1998 Apparently, they rented the house across the street. They’re moving out right now. There’s a big moving truck out there now. Well, I’ll know as soon as the renters get here by all the barking I’ll hear. I know it won’t do me any good, but they’ll be getting a letter from me about it and more. Speaking of barking, I thought it was a pretty quiet day for barking yesterday when Tom did a little work on the roof, but he said that wasn’t the case. He said 6-8 dogs in the area were going off, but I guess that the noise from the air cleaner drowned that out.

The big dumpster came yesterday. It’s 22’ long and is almost my height. After the roofing stuff is in it, we’re gonna use this as an opportunity to ditch some big bulky stuff we don’t want, and I’d love to see that tree in front trimmed once and for all, but I won’t count on it. I just can’t get Tom to keep up on the yard work, but hopefully, I won’t have more than 8 more months of pushing him to mow and trim hedges and trees.

We made a schedule of work times for him today and breaks. At 9:00 he began working and I’ll call him down for a break at 10:45. Then he’ll go up there again at 11:00-12:45, then from 1:15-3:00, and 3:00-5:00. I was wrong in assuming he’s doing just the back room and garage area. He’s replacing the whole entire roof. He said we’re very lucky it didn’t leak in all the rooms since the roof is in horrible condition.

Later…

I was just outside and I didn’t hear any dogs, amazingly, since it is the weekend after all. It’s early still. I wish I could know that that bitch is trying to sleep in and can’t! But mothers don’t get to sleep in, and even if this one could, it’d sleep like a log. It’d sleep right through it with my luck.

Miss Bitch is gonna be awfully confused when she sees not only strange pictures in her little package but also a key. Tom had me ditch his ma’s old house keys and I stuck one of them into the bitch’s manila envelope. Every now and then I mix in senseless mumbo jumbo, of course, and I wrote something about enclosing the key to my heart and the key to my house.

I woke up at 112 pounds today. Wow. And I had at least 1400 calories yesterday.

Thank you, God, that due to him having a cold, then having this project with the roof, I’m not into sex with him anymore or wanting to hopelessly try for a kid. We haven’t had sex in a while and it’ll certainly be a while before we do, but my love for this man just isn’t sexual. It’s all emotional. So, it’s due to how I’ve become that makes the part-time, intermittent sex tolerable.

Here’s Andy’s first of what I’m sure will be many calls to come. If he’s gonna be a pest I’ll just ignore him. He needs to take care of his own problems over the weekend. I’ve got too much shit to do helping Tom, doing laundry, etc.

Later…

Well, he didn’t leave a message, but he let his name show up on the box, which means he was really hoping I’d see it was him and pick up, but can’t he wait and talk to me once a week? He’s such a pest!

Later…

An hour and 45 minutes is too long for him to be working up there, so we’ve cut down his time up there and lengthened his breaks.

He said he heard music coming from a house across the street that was about 3 houses away, but I didn’t hear anything. He also said one of the movers across the street asked him if he was having fun, but I didn’t hear that either. I can’t believe how quiet they’ve been across the street, but with Tom’s working, which sounds like people are basing by, it makes no difference.

Wait till I tell him Tanner’s missing. I don’t know if I lost her today when I changed the cages, or sometime earlier, but she’s gone. I prayed to God to let me find her, but as usual, I was ignored.

The moving truck’s gone, but there’s a pickup full of stuff out there still.

God, don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had around here with dogs and kids, please! It’s true, though, that this is the longest stretch of peacetime around here. Ever since the cock left last July, with just an occasional ruckus since. A couple of bouts of music, some door-slamming, some voices, and that’s it. The only real constant nuisance around here is the guard dogs.

Later…

Tom took a break for an hour and went back to work a little while ago. I’ll be calling him down for another break at 2:30.

So far, no freeloaders have felt obligated to join in the ruckus Tom’s making, but if they don’t this weekend, they may very well take next weekend as their weekend to be heard. They wouldn’t want to be left out, I’m sure.

It’s been a very quiet move across the street. It wouldn’t have woken me up if I were asleep.

I’m surprised the pest hasn’t called again. Unfortunately, he’s got weekends off. The time I want to be bothered the least. He can’t sit at home and entertain himself. As he admits, he has no hobbies and hates to do things. All he likes is TV, music, pot and the phone. Food, too, but since he’s off the pot at this time, it’s food, phone, TV and music, but that’s not enough for him. It drives him up the wall to just be alone and listen to music or watch TV and he’s only got so much money to put into food. He’s got to talk to people cuz he’s lonely. The phone is his number one thing.

Tom’s not making too, too much noise, although he’s still at the back of the house. Let’s just say that the freeloaders may not hear him as well as I’d like for them to hear him. Remember, they also have double-paned windows.

I can concentrate just fine throughout Tom’s bopping around up there. I can tune it out and do what I’m doing with it being background noise just like a fan would be. I’m aware of it. Meaning, I know he’s up there banging around, but I can still carry on and do my thing. That’s the difference between some asshole out there that is deliberately trying to piss you off, and him.

I’m still not sure whether I lost Tanner today or earlier, but I have a very strong feeling I’ll never see her again and that she got out of the house. Part of being a rodent owner/breeder, though, is that they come and go constantly since they don’t live very long to begin with. Even though I’m used to not having pets for too long and am used to a lot of different pets coming and going, she will be missed.

Later…

Tom just came down and reported a white car came to get the bitch. Yeah, the sister usually gets her at this time of day on Saturdays. She’ll either be back in a couple of hours or late tonight.

Since I’m not walking anymore, I’m forced to do stomach crunches again for the sake of my lower back. That lower back pain’s back again where it feels like my spine’s being pulled apart. I didn’t realize walking was helping my back, but it obviously was. At first I was pissed about it since these exercises don’t do shit to flatten or firm my stomach, but at least they do help my back, so it’s not like I’m getting absolutely nothing out of doing them and they only take a few minutes to do.

This battery charger is really cool. I slip in the 3 batteries that go in my vibrator, and a red light lights up next to each battery. You know they’re recharged when the lights go out.

Tom thinks Tanner can get up the step that’s in between the back room and the rest of the house, but I don’t know. It seems a little high for such a mellow mouse. I’m surprised that of all the mice, it was Tanner who escaped. If anyone would get away, I’d think it’d be Bandit.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1998 Woke up at 113 pounds. Andy’s being a pest again, but it’s OK. I’d want someone to be there for me if I were in his shoes. He’s basically just tired and totally worn out, even though he loves being so busy. Keeps his mind off of pot and loneliness. He’s also fed up with a couple of people at Red Lobster. Why doesn’t he just quit Red Lobster? Isn’t his job of refilling meds enough to support him so long as he stays clean? Anyway, he’s to be calling me soon to bitch about it.

I saw Tom for a minute when I got up. He was just on his way out the door and he told me he left a message for me. In his message, he said he was 1000% better. This was a fairly easy cold for him, which looks like I’m gonna be very lucky to escape catching. If I had just looked at him from a distance when he had a cold from 1989-1992, I’d have caught it.

He also said that there’s a good chance the dumpster will be delivered before he gets home, so if I want to, but it’s up to me, I can tell them to put it in the front driveway (he’ll park in the back driveway, and it’s a good thing we’re on the corner) and give them the check that’s on the fridge. Yes, I can competently handle that.

At first I thought, what kind of shit will our rude neighborhood kids throw in it? But it’s a dumpster. They can throw whatever shit they want in it.

It’s only been 2½ hours since I ate, and I am fucking starving! Doesn’t my stomach know it was so recently fed? Anyway, I’m having tea and coffee to put something in my stomach, but I don’t want to eat again till around 9:00 if I can help it. I try to eat just three times a day. When I get up, then 5 or 6 hours later, then for the last time 5 or 6 hours later. It seems that whenever I drop below 115 pounds, I get so damn hungry. My body just can’t take it anymore being under 115 pounds, but that’s OK, I’ll be back to 115 soon enough. I believe I’ll be 115 for a long time. Like many years.

After critiquing myself in the mirror, I’m still fortunate enough to have a nice ass. It’s gone soft and it’s cratered, but it’s small and it’s not sagging. My hips have gone down, but my stomach and thighs would still be disproportionately huge even if I were 90 pounds. I feel the same about this face. What happened to this face?! It’s bigger now at 113 pounds than it was when I was in the 130s years ago. Guess part of it is age.

Later…

Wow. That was quiet for the freeloaders. There are usually at least 4-5 door slams and some talking or yelling when they all leave in the morning, but this morning, all I heard was one soft car door, then the engine started up. Bill and Mistake will be back shortly, which is no big deal. I mean, there’s not a lot of door-slamming. Nothing could be as bad as the slamming I’d get from that cock when it’d park deep in the carport. Oh, God! I wanted to go out there and slam his head sooooo fucking bad! I almost did, too. Several times.

Speaking of slamming heads, I may have to do so for Andy’s sake, but I hope he can solve his own problems, so I don’t have to have the hassle of doing it for him. I’m sure he’ll take care of it himself. He always finds a way to. If my kicking ass is the only way to help him, I will, even though God will make me pay dearly for it. A couple of guys at work are saying mean, cruel, hurtful things to him. These guys are gay, so it’s not like they’re gay-bashing Andy. They’re just telling him he’s so ugly and jealous, petty, childish shit like that. Andy isn’t as intimidating and as aggressive as I can be, so to these guys, that’s an invitation to keep on doing what they’re doing. As I’ve learned, sometimes kicking ass is the only way to get someone off of someone’s case, so let’s just let them hope I don’t have to deal with them, cuz if I do, they certainly won’t be bothering Andy anymore.

It’s funny to hear him, though, cuz he talks to me just like I talk to Tom. He goes from subject to subject real fast and on and on and on, and most of the things he tells me are things he’s told me a million times already.

He told me about talking to Marla, other family members, Stevie Nick’s parents, and so much more. Then he thanked me for being there for him and for being such a dedicated friend.

He was telling me he doesn’t want conflict with people nowadays. He just wants to live life in peace. We were talking about karma, too, and how what goes around really does come around. At least it does for us, anyway.

Andy’s life may have changed very little in the last decade, but he’s become a better person in a lot of ways. Before, all Andy wanted to do was pick fights, cut people down, and he basically had no empathy whatsoever for others who were depressed or having problems of some kind.

Speaking of Marla, I’ve gone and left one more message (this is the second in several months) saying: Hi, I’m glad Andy’s pot-free and happier, we’re fine, hope you are too.

If I don’t get a reply, I won’t ever bother with her again, but if she’s got a problem with me, it’s too bad she can’t come out and say so. I don’t see how she could have a problem with me, though. I haven’t done anything wrong to her or anyone she knows, so I guess she’s just busy. She is a mom and she works too, and doesn’t really have a life. However, if she doesn’t want to contact me for any reason, that’s her choice and her right, and I don’t want to have contact with anyone who doesn’t want contact with me.

Anyway, Andy said he really wants to stick out Red Lobster. He’s there part-time, and he’s with the pharmaceutical company full-time. He doesn’t want to run from his problems, and he needs the extra money. It’s an easy job for $100 a week. He’s really quite fed up with restaurant work, though, cuz it’s so much like being in high school with all the gossip and cliques and people pitting people against others. Yeah, I know all about it. Knowing Dureen, Art, and their son, sister, brother-in-law, and others was like being in high school all in itself.

Thanksgiving is on the 26th. So, what will Miss Bitch and her sick associates do? Will it be like last Easter? Or will she and her wussy pussy boy toy take off somewhere? Although, they ain’t getting along very well right now from what I know. She still has her sick cronies that are just as low as she is, so since people that are assholes usually get along just fine with other assholes, they should have no trouble getting together somewhere. God, I’d have to hate myself and have absolutely no self-respect whatsoever to hang with that black bitch. I know that type of person and the types of people that hang with people like that. The bitch loves to shit on her friends and they love to shit right back on her. Not only do they love shitting on each other, but they love to get shit on by each other just as much. It’s sick. It really is!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1998 Well, I guess Bill’s back in the swing of things and so is the bitch. Just a few minutes ago I heard yelling between a female and a male, which I thought was the bitch and cock, but nope. The male, who I could barely hear over the bitch, was Bill. And since the cock’s obviously pissed off at its bitch at the moment, Bill looks like he’s taking the bitch off this morning. First the bitch loads up its animal, then they all leave, and Bill returns with the animal till they go get the bitch at the end of the day. I just saw the bitch slam one of the doors in a very angry fashion. Is this bitch ever happy? I’ll bet most of her fits and yelling are in regard to me. Yes, she’s naturally a hell of a mean, aggressive, boisterous, selfish, rude bitch, who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself, but I’m sure some of the yelling is in the hopes of me hearing it and being woken up by it. Well, take my word for it, you scrawny little sack of bones, if you were waking me up, you’d be outa here flat on your ass before you even knew what hit you! Your eviction is just a phone call away if that’s what it ever came down to, you little witch bitch!

It’s really too damn bad this bitch loves noise, cuz with the roofing adventure that’s about to come down, the whole block’s gonna be hearing it get torn up and replaced.

My ear is blocked. The good one, I mean. It seems that since getting the bad one fixed, the good ear’s giving me problems, but as a rule, most of us must be compensated like I’ve said a million times. I put some ear wax removal, some alcohol, and some peroxide in it, but it isn’t loosening up whatever’s stuck down there, so I’ll just let it work itself out in its own time.

Tom’s at the end of his cold now, which I’ve been fortunate not to catch. He’s mainly left with a bad cough.

Tom’s using the same dumpster service he used when he ordered a dumpster to clean out Ma’s house, and he’s having a dumpster delivered here between noon-3:00 tomorrow. This weekend’s when he’ll be tearing the old roof off, then Monday-Wednesday is when the new one goes on. The crucial part as far as rain goes is when he’s stripping the old roof and there’s nothing at all there to keep the rain out, but since it rarely rains on the weekends, he should be in luck and I hope God’s on our side and will help us help ourselves.

I don’t know if all the racket will draw the kid into ball games or what, but we’ll see. I wonder if they’ll think we’ve moved and that the city bought our house when they see the dumpster?

Andy called to let me know he’s so happy in life now and loves his new job. Whenever he’d get customers complaining of him being rude at restaurants, he’d get fired for it, but now, all he has to do is turn them over to customer service. His job is to refill medications, not answer questions, so when this woman was being all snotty to him, he did what he was told to do and he just turned her on over to customer service. So, he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with these rude assholes.

Yesterday we went shopping and it was a fun day. I had great doll luck!

First we went to the bookstore to get some books. They didn’t have a copy of that book that was misnumbered, but the guy, who’s the same guy that’s always been there when we’d go there, gave me a credit slip for $5.50 and told me to keep the book so we could trade next time I go there.

Then we went to the Metro Mall which was closed, so we stopped at a fast-food drive-through to kill time. Then we went to Sears, cuz Tom had to replace something, but I waited in the car. When the mall opened, we found that they had no dolls, so then it was off to the Christown Mall where they had 3 really nice dolls. The best one there, which was Spanish or maybe even oriental of some kind, was out of my league at just over $400. There was another black or Indian doll that was nice, but she wore a hideous outfit. Then there was Bailey. Beautiful, long-haired Bailey for $283. Although yet another blue-eyed blond, she was so beautiful so I told the lady there that I wanted to check out one more store but may be back to buy her.

So then it was off to Dolls, Bears & Surprises to look at their large dolls. Obviously, neither the guy that works there nor the woman that works there knows much about what they’re doing, cuz the 28” dolls they had were $500. Not $300-$400. There was one large one that was OK, and a couple of other medium-sized ones that were nice, too, with nice faces, but they were all $500. He said in a month or so he’d have 36” dolls coming in from Germany that’d be $350. Well, this guy doesn’t always know what he’s saying when it comes to height and prices, and the woman doesn’t quite know her dolls either, cuz Patrice was there and I’ll bet you she was there all along. That’s OK, though, cuz I’ll have her sooner or later, but guess who else was there as a nice surprise bonus? Rapunzel herself! So I bought her, and now I’ll only be ordering one more doll from Ashton Drake. One more for a while, anyway, and I’m thrilled that my doll purchases are going as planned.

So, excitedly, it was back to get Bailey, but the gate was down over the store entrance. It’s only run by one person, so she obviously had to break for lunch or to use the bathroom, so we went into Walmart to look at their digital cameras which don’t use film, which Tom’s gonna be getting with his money, and we went into Radio Shack, too, but they didn’t have any.

By then, the store was open again and I bought Bailey. I couldn’t resist that sweet, angelic face and that long straight hair. I could’ve dropped the lollipop doll and gotten the Spanish one in the back of the store, but I said nah. And besides, she was a little over my limit cuz she wasn’t just $400. She was $435. However, I do intend to get a doll of some kind of color someday, be it black, Spanish, or Indian.

For now, I still have all blondes, but I finally have brown eyes which Rapunzel has. Her dress isn’t as bad as it looked in the catalog. It’s dark green with gold accents on the sleeves, in the front at the bottom, and in the flowers that are on the sides and bottom of the dress. I don’t know what you’d call the thing on her head, but it’s a combination of the same material that’s in her dress, and there are a bow and pearls too, that circle down over her forehead, with a diamond in the center.

They pulled hairs at the sides back into a swirl of curls at the back of her head that looks nice, and there are short curls that frame her face, too. Anne and Jessica have a yellow-blond shade of hair, but Summer Dream, Rapunzel, and Bailey have a darker blond. Especially Summer Dream and Rapunzel. Rapunzel’s was a bit frizzy when I got her, so I steamed it to smooth it down. It’s wavy, and if you pull it straight, it’s a few inches past her feet. Left alone, though, it’s to the hem of her dress, which goes down to her shoes, which are quite fancy. They’re black with gold circles. Although she’s about the same height as Summer Dream and taller than Jessica, her face and arms are thicker, which I like better. She may even be thicker than Anne. Jessica’s 14”, Anne’s 17”, Rapunzel’s 19”, Summer Dream’s 20”, and Bailey’s 24”.

Their prices in the mall store are weird too, cuz they had dolls smaller than Bailey that weren’t nearly as nice as she is, for $400 and up. She wasn’t in any fancy costume, though, just a sleeper, so maybe that’s why.

Bailey. Isn’t that an odd name for a girl? Sounds like a boy’s name to me, but it’s better than Gertrude. Anyway, Bailey’s not as big as I expected, but big enough. Standing up straight, she’d be 24”. Bailey doesn’t have a stand. She’s a sitting doll. She’s also the most flexible and realistic looking, next to Summer Dream. Her head moves and her arms and legs do too, but her legs are permanently bent at the knees. She’s proportioned really well, and her hands and feet look just like a real toddler. She came barefoot in light blue pajamas of light cotton material (1 piece), with matching light blue bows in her hair at the sides of her head above her ears. She’s my first doll who’s not wearing a dress, and this is two dolls wearing light blue and three wearing blue altogether that I have.

I polished her fingernails and toenails red. I’ve never seen doll eyes as real-looking as hers. In her eyes, you can see the flecks of colors that real eyes have. They’re not just one solid color with a black dot in the middle.

She’s got the best hair of them all which I do believe is human. It’s nearly to her knees. Her hair is straight and non-frizzy. I love it.

It’s hard at this point, to decide who’s my favorite, but it ain’t Jessica or Anne. I’d say it’s Bailey.

Jessica, Anne, and Summer Dream are in the music room now. Rapunzel’s got Anne’s spot in the living room and Bailey’s sitting on the recliner in the bedroom. When I get the three more dolls I hope to get, two of them will go in the music room to stand on the vanity with Anne and Jessica, and Patrice will be the one to stand in the bedroom, or maybe I can make room for her at the side of my monitor. Patrice is looking upward so I don’t want her up too high. Besides, if she’s up too high, you can see where her head attaches to her neck. I’m surprised her neck and upper body aren’t all one piece like Rapunzel’s and Summer Dream’s are.

So I’ve got Patrice on her way in December, I’ll probably order the lollipop one, and I’m hoping to get Edie with any birthday money I may get. If anyone beats me to her, I’ll turn the money into CDs, but we’ll see. Edie has that Spanish look, and the store still has two of her just like they did when I got Anne.

I can’t believe I already have 5 dolls and 1998 isn’t over yet! I didn’t plan on having my 5th doll till maybe mid-2000 if I were lucky, but after I get the next three I hope to get, I’ll probably take a break for a while. Yes, there are so many more I’d love to have, but they’re pretty expensive! Most of the dolls I’d want that aren’t from Ashton Drake are $400-$500. We’ll just have to wait and see how much money’s left over from buying new furniture for the new house. If there’s any left over, maybe I’ll get another big doll or that gorgeous pink, shiny southwestern wall hanging I saw for $400 marked down from $600. I plan to stop in a southwestern store anyway, for lamps and a few decorations to really give the new place that southwestern look in the midst of these dolls and pictures of pianos and stuffed animals and stuff that has nothing to do with the desert at all.

Later…

Yesterday was great for shopping weather-wise, cuz it was cloudy and cool. Because it’s always so hot and so sunny here, it’s a nice change to not be sweating my ass off and to not have the sun blaring in my eyes. It’s cloudy and cool today too, but the weather channel says it’s to clear up for the weekend, as is usually the case. This is the one weekend where I won’t wish it’d rain.

Tom’s feeling better and got some of the roofing stuff. He needs to get more stuff, but his car can only hold so much.

I moved Bailey out into the living room. She’s sitting on the speaker now, and Rapunzel’s on top of the TV.

I began scanning more family pictures and I may scan more. I figured what the hell, there’s room for it, and it’s always nice to have them backed up on the computer.

What happened to Andy? He leaves me a message saying how happy he is, then not even 12 hours later, I get a frantic message from him. Well, he wasn’t frantic, but he sounded anxious, depressed, and on the verge of panicking. I didn’t even know he left a message early this morning till a couple of hours after he left it. I was either listening to music or in the tub when he called, then I didn’t notice the caller ID box blinking right away. All he said was he thought I’d be awake and could really use someone to talk to. I called him back at that point but got no answer, so hopefully he took care of whatever the problem was, then went to work.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1998 The low-pitched guard dog’s going off now. What the fuck would be going on to stir it up at this hour? You know, sometimes I don’t think they have a reason to go off. I think they just like to go off for no reason at all.

Bill’s car is out of commission still. It wasn’t next door yesterday, and from the looks of it, the bitch and kid stayed home all day. If the city/state’s providing her with a training/work program, can’t they provide her a ride, and can’t they provide the kid with daycare? I guess not. But it’s not their responsibility to, either. When you go and have a kid, it’s your responsibility to take care of it and if you can’t even take care of yourself and pay for your own expenses, you can’t pay for a kid’s, and therefore, you shouldn’t have the kid. It’s not the city’s job to pay for those who are too stupid to have kids they shouldn’t have, and who won’t get themselves jobs and it really pisses me the fuck off knowing our hard-earned tax dollars are going to that bitch! That bitch is able-bodied enough and able to keep a schedule. She should have no excuse for not being able to support at least herself.

If the cock didn’t take the bitch or mistake anywhere yesterday, then what did it come over for? Maybe the bitch decided to call it quits with whatever she’s been doing, and he was pissed cuz she didn’t call him to tell him not to bother coming if that’s the case.

Enough about the lazy bitch, cuz guess where we’re going this morning? To the doll store I got Anne at! I hope to hell I find the big doll I want!! For $300 I’ll be damned if I’ll settle, but if none of their 28” dolls appeal to me, which is the height of their biggest dolls which range from $300-$400, I’ll go look in the mall again or wherever.

Tom didn’t have to work last night cuz of the veteran’s holiday, so he slept last night instead. He said in the message he left me that although he’s sniffling and coughing a bit, he should be well-rested for going out today and feeling well enough for it. At least the store’s open today. I called them yesterday to find out.

I don’t have a bad vibe concerning next door, fortunately.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1998 Began spotting on the 4th and had my so-called full flow today, but it was nothing. Already, my period’s ending, too. I had way more cramps for the period.

I called Ashton Drake for a catalog, and if I was told right, Patrice ought to be here for Christmas. The woman said something about them planning to have her shipped for the holiday, so I guess she’ll be here in 6 weeks, but they should’ve asked first if I wanted her shipped for the holiday. I didn’t want her for Christmas. I wanted her now.

Tom’s still sick but went to work. He said he’ll come home if he doesn’t feel well.

Later…

I couldn’t believe I woke up at 115 pounds after eating all I ate yesterday. I went crazy with the food yesterday. I just couldn’t fill up. No matter what I ate, I was still hungry. I had a TV dinner, two hot dogs, two bags of popcorn, two pieces of toast, and two ham and cheese pockets. At least 3000 calories! Today I’m only allowing myself a TV dinner, a bag of popcorn, and a can of soup. Although I’ve been sticking to 114-115 like glue, and although it’s not too much work to stay at that weight, I still do have to work at it. If I could suddenly be 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, maybe I could maintain it as easily as I can maintain the 115 pounds after all. However, the trouble is getting there. I can’t get to 100 pounds to know if I could hold it or not. I could if I starved, but it’d take many days of starving to do it, so, no thanks. Even though it’s just 15 pounds away, no thanks. Too much slavery and too unnatural in this day and age.

Later…

It’s coming up on 7:00 and I haven’t heard or seen anything next door. She might be stuck at home due to her stupidity and irresponsibility in having that kid. If she can’t get anyone else to take her to and from school/work, and to watch the mistake, she could very well be trapped at home wishing she’d taken birth control 4 years ago so she could get on with life. I hope she isn’t stuck at home, though, cuz you know what that’d mean. That’d mean some of her lazy, jobless friends would be slamming over and doing God only knows what and I ain’t about to listen to it.

Later…

Well, well. The cock’s on the street now. Been there for about 10 minutes. Is he taking the bitch off? Taking the mistake? Waiting for someone? I’ll have to spy some more to see.

Later…

Whoa! Mikey, Mikey! Are we pissed this morning, or what? I thought I heard them yelling, but couldn’t be sure. Then some of what I just saw makes no sense. The cock yelled out something as it walked alone to its car. It was dressed up in black pants, a white dress shirt, and a tie. It had a gray wool cap on, too. This is the longest time it’s had the same car. Anyway, it opened the passenger side of its car, but I didn’t see anyone get in or out. Then it slammed it shut in aggravation, got into the driver’s side, took off a few feet, then backed up a few feet, opened and shut its door, then it left. Fucking weird-ass mother-fucker!

So, is both the bitch and mistake home? Is someone else coming, or what?

Later…

After the cock left, I haven’t seen anybody or any vehicles since.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1998 I fell asleep for a few hours after having to take Benadryl due to an allergy fit.

Tom said the mailman just left Summer Dream outside and said he didn’t see why he wouldn’t have, anyway. So she was here when he came back from the tracks, and I just had to be asleep. Patrice will come when I’m asleep, too.

When I got my email from Evie, I was asking myself if this was part of the breakdown Tom said she may be heading for, but who knows? All I know is that she sure did sound like my sister this time around. Let’s see, she had a fever, a bowel obstruction, the flu, and may have to have her appendix out, too. I think there’s more but can’t remember what else she said went wrong.

I sometimes send quick little emails to Tom while I’m online. I told him that I wouldn’t ask him again for the 50th time if he could write letters to my nieces but wanted to know if I could write to them and sign his name. See, this is what really pisses me the fuck off. Why can’t he just come out and say so when he doesn’t want to do something? Why’s he gotta go and make so many damn excuses?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1998 There was no Saturday freeloader shit that I know of. At 10:30, just a few hours ago, I saw headlights shining into the carport over there when I went into the music room. I turned on the music room light to see if they’d see it and honk, but they didn’t. I didn’t hear any music, either. Just voices talking with no regard for anybody who might be asleep. Actually, they were a little softer this time around. I’ve heard them be much louder before. The car sat there for a couple of minutes, then left.

I can’t believe how long she and Mike have been together! They’re so different. Although Mike may be a selfish, wimp of a phony liar, he’s friendly on the surface. He politely shook my hand when he introduced himself to me and is basically uppity and nice. So what’s an aggressive bitch like her doing with him? Guess she wanted someone she felt she could control and manipulate. Just like domineering Doe wanting Art, who was always willing to be her puppet.

We had our cumless sex yesterday and yesterday’s excuse was one of his favorites - racy heart. Well, if he hadn’t gotten off in the bathroom prior to us getting together, and I just know he did, he wouldn’t have had such hard a time, but whatever turns him on.

I asked him why sex was so hard for him, why he panted so hard, and why his heart raced. He said that’s part of good sex. Gee, was it so good he couldn’t get off? Does he realize that nothing he says about sex makes a damn bit of sense? Not this, anyway. He’s still lying about the cumming regularly, too, but I know he’s only cum once since last April. I can feel when he gets off. Just about any woman can tell when a guy cums.

I would like to have a special doll display shelf someday. Obviously, if I have a 30-something-inch doll, she wouldn’t go on this shelf, but I envision two shelves that are about 5’-6’ wide. The top shelf will be about 18” high for dolls that are 12”-17”. The bottom shelf will be about 25” high for bigger dolls like Summer Dream, who’s 20”. However, due to her trailing bride’s dress, she’d take up space for 3 dolls, so she may not be good for this unless I don’t have enough dolls that need the space she’d take up. I would also like the back wall of these shelves to be mirrored. Then you could somewhat see the backs of the dolls.

Later…

I keep running in to look at Summer Dream, she’s so elegant and feminine, and that’s the sexiest wedding dress I ever did see! I figured I’d like her and Anne equally, but I don’t know. Anne may have nice long hair, but Summer Dream’s drop-dead gorgeous dress makes Anne’s and Jessica’s dresses seem like old, ugly, tattered rags.

Later…

Tom’s up now. He’s still not feeling well, but he’s hanging in there.

He said the doll was sitting out front when he got home.

I asked him why they’d break the molds for this doll in a couple of years and he said it’s to give it more of a collector’s value.

I made Summer Dream a gorgeous bracelet whose color totally goes with the pink and blue of her sash and flowers. I used a pearly melon color. Very tiny beads.

He reports no noise from the freeloader, and that he saw the cock’s car on the street this morning.

Later…

I just sent Andy a message answering a question of his. I sent him the message, rather than calling him directly. He said he’d be going to bed at 10:00, but with my luck, if I had called directly, he’d have answered, unable to sleep yet, then I’d be stuck on the phone with him for 45-90 minutes.

He wanted to know since he admits that pot really kills the brain cells, what kind of answering machine/service he had back east, saying he knew he had something. I corrected him when I left that message and let him know that when we were back there, there was no voice messaging service, I had a regular answering machine, but he didn’t. He had nothing. I’m not sure if they updated their system back east and got voice messaging yet. I think they did, though, 2-3 years ago.

Andy also says he liked the creative mail I sent him. I sent him the same sentence in different fonts. He said that as soon as he gets envelopes, he’ll check the ones he likes and send them back to me.

So, Andy wasn’t a pest for me, but Eldon was a pest for Tom this morning. I wondered if he wanted a computer job now that the house is sold, but when Tom was online, Eldon sent him instant messages asking how to delete a file. Tom told him over and over again how to do it, but I guess either Eldon was too stupid to do it, or it just wouldn’t work.

It rained earlier, but Tom said not to worry before he left for work, since he taped the wires to that outlet with electrical tape and cut the power in the back room. He only turns the power on back there when he goes to use his computer. Yeah, it figures it’d wait till Sunday evening to rain. It almost never hits the weekends.

For a minute there, I wondered if Tom was pulling my leg about having a cold (I can’t always trust his word since he lies about cumming) so he could get out of doing yard work and so he could use that as an excuse to lay around in front of the TV all day since he didn’t sound sick, but he says he’s not that bad and that sleeping most of the day helped him. He says if he feels bad at work, he’ll come home, but that it was probably due to lack of sleep. So God’s looking out for him too, by not letting him be a father.

We wondered if Blackie gave him this cold. For a few days Blackie was sneezing like hell and we wondered if he had allergies or a cold.

Speaking of cats, Tom’s gonna be thrilled to know that White Paws is back. I was right too, about why she took off for a while. She did have babies. She’s much bigger now than she was when she left. She’d come up to the door, but not in the house, so I stuck a bowl of dry food out on the patio for her, which she dove into right as I left it and went back in the house. I’m surprised she didn’t eat the whole bowl.

The dogs shut up earlier in the evening tonight. Like right at sundown. Well, last night was Saturday night after all. When more people are around like they are on weekends, that stirs them up more. They went off on the freeloaders when they got in at 10:30 last night. I say “they” meaning the 2-3 kids that live with that bitch.

Along with doing the roof, we’re gonna tear up the carpet in the back room. Underneath the carpet back there is a tiled floor. Unless the tile’s really bad, we’re not gonna recarpet that room.

I began spotting on the 4th and it’s coming up on the 9th now, so I should be getting my full flow by the 10th.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1998 She’s here! Summer Dream came today and she’s so beautiful I nearly cried!! There’s always that small, nagging worry that a doll will look worse in person than she did in a catalog, but nope. She’s even more gorgeous in person. She’s in the music room due to how she’s posed. Her head is turned sideways as this particular doll you kind of want to display mostly from behind to show off her beautiful backless dress with the floral sashes and bows hanging down the back from the waist. When we move, I’ll try to have things set up so she can be viewed easily from the back, front, and side. With the way the furniture is laid out in the living room, and due to the furniture’s size, she can’t be displayed nicely in there. Although I’d prefer her to be in a room I’m in most often, like the living room, she’s best off where she is in this house.

I’ve decided to leave her dark blond hair (Anne and Jessica have light blond) piled up as it is, even though it can easily be taken down. I looked and saw that it was not such a complicated hairdo after all. All they did was basically put it up in a ponytail on top of her head, then curl the ends and splay them all over the crown of her head. But I’ll leave it up for variety (that way I’ll have one with it up, one in braids, one with it loose) and taking it down would’ve covered some of the beautiful dress and the real-looking detail of her back, shoulders and arms. This dress is absolutely stunning. Its straps are off the shoulders and that’s where the joints are. Right where I broke my arm, actually, in the middle of the upper arms, so that you can swivel the arms and position them how you want. I was wondering how they hid the joints so well. On Patrice, you can see where her arms are attached since her dress has thin straps. Her arms attach at the shoulders as most dolls do. Can’t wait for Patrice, too! For now, I have Jessica and Summer Dream in the music room and Anne in the living room. When Patrice comes, Summer Dream and Jessica will stay where they are, but Anne will go in the bedroom, and Patrice will take Anne’s place standing in the living room on one of the stereo speakers.

Anyway, Summer Dream wears pearl earrings. There are pearl dots in her earlobes, and then dangling pearl drops. I’m surprised she doesn’t wear any necklace or bracelets, but she’s got a wedding band on, of course. The hands, which are shaped to hold her bouquet, have their fingers molded together like most dolls, and her wedding band, is just a half circle of gold that was glued onto the indentation of the ring finger on the left hand. I might make her a bracelet with my tiny beads. Her nails are painted red, but not quite as dark as Jessica’s (Anne’s nails aren’t painted).

Will you shut up! It’s coming up on 11:00 and that fucking beast is still going off. The high-pitched one is worse. Well, it ought to settle down soon enough, but again, these people are lucky I’m out of here in ‘99.

Anne and Jessica really do look like girls while Summer Dream really does look like a woman. I get dolls for different reasons, of course, and while I got Anne for her long knee-length hair, I got this one for its dress, since blue eyes and blond hair aren’t typically my thing. Her eyes are nice, though, as far as their shine goes. Instead of looking just shiny, they look wet like real eyes. I also like the hand-painted eyelashes better than the false ones they stuck on my other dolls.

I finally got something with pink, too! Yes, this doll’s bouquet is of pink flowers. I love the soft pastel colors between the blue sash and bows and the pink flowers.

Her shoes are white heels that are molded to her feet. They’re not real shoes you can take off and put back on like Anne’s shoes.

So it took her 3 weeks to get here from the day she was shipped. Tom was right. Parcel post is really slow. So if Patrice isn’t shipped till after December 12th, I’m probably not gonna have her till just after the New Year. She’s worth the wait, though, just like in the end, Summer Dream was worth waiting for.

I can’t believe this doll was only $92 and not $150-$200.

Like I thought I would, I didn’t get a catalog enclosed with Summer Dream, so I’ll call Monday and have them send one. Since Tom decided that we’ll probably each have $500 to spend after all our bills are paid, I’m hoping to find a big doll for around $300. Rapunzel and the lollipop doll from Ashton Drake’s catalog are each about $100, so I’m hoping to get those 3 dolls. Fuck CDs and clothes. I still may get some CDs, and maybe a couple more bigger bras, but I’m all set for winter clothes. All I really want, since I’m gonna be staying at around 115 pounds, is maybe a couple of sundresses and a couple of pairs of shorts and it’s not the time of year to go shopping for that, even here in Arizona.

I also want to enlarge my wedding band to my indefinite 115 pounds. I awoke at 114 today, though, to my surprise. I haven’t been gorging since it’s never been in my nature to do so, but I haven’t been eating just one bite a day, either. I’ve had to have been having around 1500 calories a day.

I scanned in Summer Dream’s certificate, and I intend to keep her papers, even though I refuse to ever sell her like the papers suggest I may want to do. There’s a winter, spring, and autumn bride, too, and according to this one’s certificate, the series ends forever in the year 2001 and the doll’s molds will be broken and no more porcelain will ever be cast. But why break the molds? If I was such a gifted artist/sculptor, I’d want to keep the molds forever. That was quite an ugly woman, too, who created such a beautiful doll.

I can’t believe how fast my doll collection’s starting off, but I’m psyched! By the spring I may very well have 3-5 more dolls! Guess that depends on what I get for my birthday. I’ll have to ask Tom if we’re gonna do Christmas with each other, at least, and if he wants to tell me what he wants, or if he wants me to use my imagination and pick out something to either buy or make. I’ll also ask him if he wants me to tell him what I want for my birthday, or should I let him just do what he wants? If he asks what I want, I’ll suggest that $30 Edie doll. They had two of them at the store.

I wonder if Tom was here when the mailman came with Summer Dream, or if he came and left her here before Tom returned from the tracks. I’ll have to ask him when he gets up. He’s been asleep since I got up at 7 PM.

She wasn’t as packed as I thought she’d be. She did have foam pieces as wide as the box she was in to steady her so she couldn’t slam around in her box, but only her feet and head had a plastic wrap. The wrap was actually a bag with rubber bands. Jessica, though, had layers of tight plastic wrapping. She was in her own box with her name on it that slid snuggly into the outer box that had their company address on it, our address, and the invoice. Her bouquet was in a bag and at the bottom of the box.

I hope her soft white chiffon dress doesn’t turn yellowish in time. They recommend dusting her regularly, but with what? A feather duster? A damp cloth? Maybe it’d be best to take the dolls outside periodically and shake their hair and clothes free of dust.

I plan to do some pricing homework on Monday. I’m gonna check out the home shopping channels and see if I can find out what company manufactures the dolls that they have on their doll shows, and I’m gonna call some collector’s stores to see what they’ve got, too. Tom will check online stuff.

Unfortunately, he’s got a cold. A little later than I expected, but it looks like his immune system is still not as strong as mine’s been since I’ve been out here. I hope he doesn’t give me this one. He used to get 4-5 a year, but I guess it’s now 2-3 a year. Well, hopefully it won’t last long and interfere with his doing whatever he needs/wants to do. I’m surprised he didn’t get it about 10 days from now when he goes to do the roof. Maybe it’ll rain instead. I’m also surprised he didn’t get it when I was mid-cycle, even though I don’t have a mid-cycle. He left a message saying that his throat got really sore at the tracks. He obviously didn’t win, or else he’d have said so, but I hope he had fun despite his sore throat.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1998 Bill’s car is still out there. At ten to eight this morning I glanced out right before I hit the sack and saw the car where it’s at right now, saw it again when I glanced out at 4 PM, and ever since 7 PM it’s been there. From the looks of it, it hasn’t moved since yesterday morning.

I gave my dog/cat mugs a vinegar treatment to get rid of the coffee/tea stains. It really works.

I’m not one to usually watch movies over and over again, but earlier I saw Stephen King’s The Dead Zone for what must be the 15th time.

I told Tom that I was thinking of hitting three birds with one stone and sending Dureen, Art and Larry journal excerpts on them when we move, along with the bitch’s, but Tom’s advice was not to and as I do eight out of ten times, I’m gonna take his advice. As Tom said, I’m gonna give next door the stuff in place of beating the crap out of them, but as for the other assholes, they haven’t been doing anything to me. No calls, no trying to get my attention, no trying to piss me off, etc. He said it’d be different if I wanted to send them a holiday card or letter. Hell no. I wouldn’t degrade myself like that. Anyway, they’re not worth the excerpts and they probably wouldn’t have read anything I sent anyway, and even if they did, it wouldn’t change a thing. I still want nothing to do with them. Not now. Not ever.

If I was shocked to wake up at 115 pounds yesterday, I was even more shocked to wake up at 114 pounds today. That’s because of all I ate yesterday. I had a TV dinner, a couple of bags of popcorn, and a burger and fries.

Tom took off some of his old stuff from my computer and did a backup on CDs. I got rid of some old stuff, too.

He showed me how to make subdirectories so I can have different screensaver groups. You know, like Norah in one, Gloria in another, etc., but I was too stupid to remember how to do it on my own and in the midst of things, I lost one of my favorite pictures.

And now I can’t print out the fucking grocery list, either. I went to print, then aborted it cuz I hadn’t run it through the spell checker yet, but it wouldn’t let me move on. I tried to purge the print job, but it was determined to save it after telling me I could delete it. Who knows when Tom will be up to help me, though?

Later…

Well, Tom couldn’t get to trimming the front hedges, since going to the bank and all that took longer than expected, but on the bright side, there’s $6,000 in our account. We’re gonna pay off our bills, then have fun with the rest. That fun may include getting the big $200-$400 doll that I didn’t think I’d get till we moved, along with some clothes, since I’m definitely, definitely gonna stay at 115 pounds. I’ve been at 115 since the beginning of August, so this is where I’ve leveled out at and where my body feels it needs to be in this day and age. I could still get down to 100 if I starved, but I’d have to starve many days in a row, and as soon as I began eating again, I’d go right back to 115, so it’s not worth it. Here’s where I’ll stay. It’s better than 124. guess I don’t need to walk in order to have a little bit of metabolism function these days either, cuz again I woke up at 115 after having a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and cheese puffs.

Tom went to bed at 7 PM and I’m to get him up at 3 AM for the sex he says I owe him. Why? So he can get hard and suffer till he’s alone and can empty himself out? God, how can he stand it?! On the other hand, I’m beginning my period, so he may feel comfortable enough to get off, but comfortable is the keyword. As long as that’s what he is; happy and comfortable.

Speaking of money, Mary won $2,500 gambling. Of course she did. She doesn’t need the money. See, it’s not that God helps those who help themselves, it’s that God gives to those who don’t need, and he takes from those who do need. Same with the wants.

If there’s ever a time I wish that Tom was an only child, it’s now. If we were getting that entire $31,000 check, we could move now! Tom said that if he had been an only child, he’d have a whole different personality and I might not even have liked him since things are all intertwined. Maybe.

So, what’s Mary gonna do with this money she won? She’s gonna get a new hard drive that Tom has to be the one to install. I knew people would want this and want that as soon as that house sold, but I’ve already accepted the fact that sometimes, others are gonna have to come first. Since I’ve come to accept and be used to and even prefer taking care of myself sexually, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but when too many things come up and they need this and they need that and our shit doesn’t get done cuz of them, I get pissed. I just wish he’d finish more things he starts. He almost never finishes a project he starts and if he does, he puts it off for quite a while before finishing it. Nonetheless, Tom says he is gonna tackle trimming the back and front hedges, and he’s gonna take care of weeds and the tree out front. These things, fortunately, are gonna slow down in growth for a while. They don’t grow as much in cooler weather.

I’m glad we’ll be keeping our land, when we move, in its natural state. Tom’s great with handling money and bills, and with fixing things that need fixing ASAP, but he’s lousy with keeping up with yard work.

I still haven’t gotten my doll and I hope he’s right when he says it’s not misdelivered, cuz with this mailman you never know what to expect. It’s hit or miss with him, although since I bitched he hasn’t given us tons of other people’s mail and hopefully, not too much of our mail has gone to other people. It took 5 complaints, though. If Becky addressed the letter she said she sent me correctly, then someone else got that one for sure.

Tom says Evie’s not stable and never really was to begin with and that she’s been complaining of more problems since having her gallbladder removed and wonders if she’s heading for a breakdown. We’ll see.

The cock came to bring the bitch back yesterday afternoon and to pick it up this morning. Bill’s car sat where it’s been sitting till 5:30 today, then it was towed away. I heard its engine start, but then it sounded funny, so he’s obviously been having trouble with the car. That explains why the cock’s showed up more, too. Probably to help Bill with rides and look like a good guy. At first I wondered if Bill had moved in while Tom suggested that maybe they fumigated his place. I decided that if he moved in, though, I wouldn’t report it, since Bill’s never been any trouble. I wouldn’t have reported that cock being here either, had it kept its music out of our house.

Tom straightened out the printer problem I had yesterday and helped me build some subdirectories of pictures. I’ve got 11 different groups. That’s how many color schemes I’ve got. So each week, I’ll rotate colors and pictures. My wallpaper will stay the same, though, with all the pictures. I forgot about making directories for regular screensavers, but I don’t know how I’d go about doing that.

Later…

What the fuck’s got one of the guard dogs stirred up at 11:15 at night? Well, it is the weekend, so perhaps the freeloader’s got company? I didn’t hear any car doors, though, and I don’t feel like looking. The dryer’s going now, so it drowns it out, but I guess it only went off for a minute. When those fucking dogs go off at this time of year, since sounds are louder when it’s cooler cuz cooler air’s thicker, it can be heard loud and clear in every single fucking room of this house.

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard the old man’s dog across the street in ages.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1998 I spoke with Andy for 45 minutes (after he said he didn’t want to talk long). He’s about to hit the sack. He gets up at 5:30 in the morning now.

He got into one of his talks about God, Adam, Eve, Judgment Day, etc., but it was kind of my fault for leading him into this discussion, and once he hits upon this topic, he goes on and on. During his chat, he told me that God shits on those who believe in him. Oh, how lovely of him. Yeah, that’s something God would do.

His roommate Laura has moved out and into her boyfriend’s place, but they’re still friends. She’s been generously helping him with finances.

He’s still clean and he loves his new job. I’m happy for him and proud of him for finally doing something as far as a career change goes, rather than talking about it.

He said David’s looking for a job change too. He was a welder by trade, but lately, he’s been working in some shipping and receiving company, but is thinking of going back to welding.

Judy made him and David an incredible offer. If they get that cottage at Hawk’s Nest beach, it’s a year-round cottage, and Judy said he and David can live there. The catch is, though, that they’d have to share it with the family in the summer, so for 3 months out of every year, there’d be a shitload of people coming and going.

Andy said that if he and David don’t work out, he’s still gonna stay there, but doesn’t know if he’ll stay in Connecticut or Massachusetts.

I made Melanie a Christmas card. I didn’t make the card, actually. The card was one of the ones the Humane Society sent. I printed out a drawing I did of 3 dogs on the front and wrote her name. On the back, I printed out a floral drawing of mine, and one with a cat, too.

My doing this inspired me to print pictures and drawings out on the backs of envelopes that will be going to Tammy and Andy.

On Tammy’s stationery, I used that program that lets me insert picture borders. I can use pictures that come with the program or I can customize it by using my stuff. I used a drawing of mine, one of our wedding pictures, and a picture of Tammy in high school. I did up 8 envelopes for Tammy, and she ought to love one of them! I don’t know what went wrong on this one, but all that printed out was garbage. Just a bunch of senseless letters, numbers, and punctuation like a scientist’s lab formula. By it, I wrote, “Oops! I really screwed up this one!”

For Andy, I sent him the same sentence - were you just thinking that the rooms were all on fire? - (our famous sentence for 1989-1992), and they were all in different fonts. The ones that are complete and that I’d be willing to use. I skipped the ones that are super hard to read. Anyway, I asked him to put a checkmark next to the ones he likes and feels are legible enough, then send me back the papers.

From now on, the journals I print out are gonna have pictures bordering their pages. Pictures of family members, animals, celebs, journal covers, etc.

Still haven’t gotten a reply from Marla. Was it something I said? Or is she just that busy? Well, I either hear from her or I don’t.

I wouldn’t know it if Alex realized he didn’t add me to his email list when he went to block out junk mailers and has tried to get in touch with me, cuz I didn’t bother to put him on my list.

I’m definitely not gonna shit tomorrow. Maybe not even the next day. I shit 3 times today!

Later…

What the fuck is Bill doing here at 8:30 at night? What, is the bitch doing something at night now, too? Joebitch, you’re gonna wear your poor daddy out! Maybe she got arrested and is doing a little jail time of her own.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1998 I blew it today with the starving. I had a TV dinner and some popcorn. Hopefully, I’ll be able to survive the rest of the night on tea and water.

I was surprised to wake up at 115 pounds, though. I thought I’d wake up at 117-118 since yesterday I had two hot dogs, a TV dinner, popcorn, and soup. The popcorn and soup alone were 900 calories, 300 for the TV dinner, and about 550 for the hot dogs, and that excludes what I had for drinks.

I printed out pictures of Cocoa, Ziggy, Tanner, Patch, Ratsy, and Measles for Mom, Mary and Dave to see. Evie and company got to see them already.

Tom took Ma to an EEG appointment today and tomorrow he’s gonna take her again for another appointment, cuz Mary’s still out of it. The poor girl went through a lot of pain having her gallbladder out, and now she’s in a lot of pain with the thyroid. They said that when they took out her thyroid, it was loaded with tumors. They may or may not have been malignant, but they didn’t want to leave it in even if they knew that they weren’t cancerous, cuz they could become cancerous in time. Tom will be able to get her to her appointment tomorrow with no problem since he’s off till Sunday evening. Then he’ll be off again on the 15th-18th.

This year there’ll be no Thanksgiving or Christmas get-together since Evie and Mary are having too many problems right now and since Carol and Steven are in California, Nora and Ray are too stupid, and there’s no way we want to entertain a houseful of people. It also looks like we’ll be skipping the Christmas present routine too, but we might make a shirt for mom or maybe a pillowcase with a picture of mom and dad on it. And we’ll reattempt the shirts for Tammy and the girls. I’ll be sending Christmas cards to Mom, Mary and Dave, Evie and David, and Andy.

Another routine change next door today. At 4:00 I heard Bill’s car leave, then at 5:30, what appeared to be a light gray or blue car pulled up. Out came the little clown that’s always lived there, and then out came a girl of about 8-10 years of age too. Who are all these kids? Are these supposed to be the nieces and nephews I was supposed to have told that they can’t play here? Anyway, the car left shortly after, but I couldn’t tell if the girl left in it. This looked like the same car that was picking her up in the mornings, so maybe Bill went to where she was, dropped the clown off with her, then maybe the blue car came to bring her and the clown home, then the girl freeloader visited for a few minutes, then left. Who knows for sure, but I have a theory. I think that whenever her cronies are doing jail time, she takes in their kids till they’re released.

Ratsy got up to see me a little while ago and he’ll be getting up again soon. I really love this rat. He’s a combination of the mice and the pig. The pig only likes to cuddle and the mice only like to explore, although Ziggy does like to sit with me, but Ratsy likes to do both.

I got up at 3 PM today and shortly after, Tom came home. He said he thought the doll would get here today for sure, but it didn’t. I think it was misdelivered, but he thinks this mailman’s lazier than most and just hasn’t gotten around to sorting and delivering his parcel post packages yet. Well, Tom’s gonna call them if there’s been no withdrawal from our account by the end of next week. Last he checked, they hadn’t even taken a payment yet. I either get them or I don’t, and if I don’t, I’ll just use that $200 to get dolls in the store I got Anne at. Or was her name spelled Anne? Whatever.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1998 Still no fucking doll! What’s taking so long? Was it because I was awake when the mailman came around today and God really wants me asleep when the doll comes?

Last night I ended up being up for 21 hours. Finally, I took a Benadryl. Why am I constantly up 18 or more hours? This is why I could never handle a job or a child. If I had to be up at the same time every day, I’d be getting 3-6 hours of sleep every night and it’d eventually kill me.

I gained a few pounds from eating a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and those fries yesterday. Again, that would never put a few pounds on me back when I smoked. Today I’m not gonna worry too much about it. I’ve had a TV dinner and some popcorn, and I may have soup later, but tomorrow, it’s back to starving again. I’m gonna have to not eat every other day to maintain my weight. This is fucking ridiculous. It’s getting harder and harder to maintain this weight and I’m getting more and more tempted to forget it. Am I gonna eventually be able to only eat every 2-3 days in order to keep my weight steady? Just like how I’m gonna cut my hair someday, cuz someday I’m gonna need a break from it, I’m gonna totally forget about keeping my weight where it’s at. It’s just too much work, so I’ll give in eventually and just take the 20-100 pounds I’ll gain when I do.

Gloria Estefan Live by Request is taping now. I took a quick peek at one point and was surprised. She looks better than I thought she’d look. She’s not skinny, but she’s not fat, either, and she’s singing pretty well, although I could still do better for the most part. When I’m not congested, that is. It pisses me off that God just won’t let me fully use my voice. I may not wheeze like I used to, but I still get tight and I still have congestion. I still have times when I have to stop and clear my throat, and it really pisses me the fuck off. I feel like God’s teasing me with this gift and like he’ll only let me use it so much, and I just wish he’d either let me use my voice free of congestion or just take it away. I’m tired of the conditions that have to go with everything wonderful. I can have this great guy, but he has to have a freaky dicky and lie about it.

He still insists he’ll do whatever they request of him for testing, that he’ll love me no matter what, and that he’ll support whatever decisions I make. I believe the last two, thank God, but I still can’t see him willing to participate in the testing.

On the other hand, his cumming is totally in his control, so maybe he will let them have his cum, then go back to rarely cumming in bed. Remember, there is no such thing as a guy who can get hard, but not cum. You either can’t get hard at all and therefore you can’t cum, or you get hard and cum. He chooses when to cum. So maybe he will choose to cum for the testing. We’ll see. I suppose that’s still a way away yet. If it took months to get a GYN appointment scheduled, I’d think it’d take another few months to get the testing scheduled, and a few more to get through the testing, unless something does come up to prevent testing or I change my mind, so if I can get any answers, you’re talking around the time we move. But will we move in June? Or will it be August or September?

No kids came out to play after dark or at twilight. Also, Bill’s bringing his sick daughter home from work, but who knows who’s picking it up afterward? As soon as I’m up at 6:15-7:45, I’ll know.

Later…

OK, I saw the Gloria show. I basically scanned through her singing her songs but listened to all the requests and all that. I’m surprised she didn’t bring her daughter on stage, but Emilio came out at the end. He’s getting old and gray. Anyway, the people who called in requested the songs I figured they’d request, and I got a kick out of a couple of those requests that I know had to be staged. Whoopee Goldberg called at one point, then Gloria told the guy who was her host that she’d be right back, went off stage, then requested a song with an English accent. She’s also supposed to have a small role in a movie with Meryl Streep that may be out in about a year, that’s got to do with keeping music in the schools.

I’ve got some shocking news about Andy. He’s keeping his Red Lobster job as a hostess but is only working part-time there now. That’s all he could get from them anyway. From 7 AM-4 PM Monday-Friday he’s now working a job typing into computers pharmaceutical orders. He had his first day of work at this new job today and loved it. He swears he’ll never wait on tables in Arizona again, but I still say he won’t go back east. I’d have to see it to believe it.

He’s also been clean for nearly a week now, so I’m quite happy for him.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1998 I really hope a ball game isn’t about to erupt cuz I’d really like to write, although the air cleaner may drown it out well enough. Well, maybe not. The two kids I can see right now who are screaming at the tops of their lungs are playing badminton in the street. In the fucking street. That’s so fucking dangerous and stupid. These things should be played in their backyard. Fuck! Now here’s a boy with a basketball. Thank fucking God it’s getting dark out.

OK, I watched them for a few minutes and that was a Frisbee and not a basketball, but oh my fucking God! These kids, and now I realize that they’re the same ones that I saw playing in the middle of the street at night a few nights ago, are associated with the Lopezs. Tom said he guesses there are 3 kids in that household. No fucking way. These are definite Mormons. I know they do daycare, but I highly doubt that at 6 PM these kids are other people’s kids. There are at least 5 of them screaming in back and another 5 up front. They’re darting in and out of the street and they’re playing on people’s lawns within a 3-house span on both sides of the street. As soon as they hit our lawn, which they came close to doing, they’ll be hearing from me. What is it with kids playing in the streets and on other people’s lawns these days? When I was a kid I may have played next door on my grandparents’ lawn, but I never played on people’s lawns who I didn’t even know, and I didn’t play in the middle of the street unless I was on my bike, even though our dead-end street was pretty dead.

It sounds like they may have gone in. Now it’ll just be the dog’s noise for another hour or so. These people are really fucking lucky they’re not next to me!! Sometimes, though, with all the screaming and barking, they may as well be next to me. They were playing in next door’s yard. Why can’t they play in their own yard? Maybe because of the guard dogs, their space is limited in the backyard. I didn’t hear those dogs at all on Halloween night, and you know a pin dropping 8 blocks away will stir them up, so I’ll bet that if there’s one night a year they pull them in or at least muzzle them, it’s that night. Too many people out. Too much risk. Guard dogs aren’t like ordinary house dogs that protect just their territory. They want to go after you even if you’re not on their turf. So, it’s risky to leave them out with all the people walking by, even if they were walking by on the other side of the street. The dogs could still smell and hear them, and you wouldn’t want to have the dogs bust loose on that many people. I’m surprised they cared enough to pull the dogs in in the first place. They also probably figured all that loud barking would scare away the little trick-or-treaters. That’s if they gave out candy.

Thank God it’s getting darker later. It helps. Somewhat.

I wasn’t up this morning to see if the cock came for the bitch or not, but the end-of-the-day routine changed a bit today. At 3:00 a white car pulled in and out. I only saw the outline of someone in the driver’s seat, but that’s it. Then at 5:45 I heard car doors, but didn’t feel like looking out at that time.

Got an email from Kim and Evie.

Didn’t get my doll today. I’m so sick of waiting! Tom said, “I told you Tuesday would be more likely than Monday. With parcel post, it can just sit in a post office in the town it was shipped from for a week. That’s why they use parcel post. It’s cheaper.”

So it’ll get here not while I’m out, but while I’m asleep. I doubt I’ll be up before the mail gets here, but I could be. If not, though, he will be.

My weight was at an all-time low today at 111½. I could wear my jeans and jeans jacket again and it was nice to be able to fit into some things I couldn’t fit into for a while. I had a TV dinner and popcorn yesterday. Today I had a TV dinner, soup, and a small order of fries at the drive-through we stopped at, and later I’ll have some popcorn. This way I won’t be stuck for too long, but come tomorrow, it’s back to either having nothing or just a TV dinner.

Once again, I had to have seen at least 3 pregnant teens on the streets as we were going to and from Melanie’s. I may not want a child of my own, but this is sick! What have God and society come to? These kids should be in school. Not pushing their kids around in strollers on the streets. All blacks and Hispanics, as usual. Does anyone in their 20s or 30s have kids anymore? I kind of think 20s is too young, but I swear, if it’s not in your teens that you have kids, it’s in your 40s that you have kids. Teenage pregnancy is so fucking common now, that I’ll bet a teenager that doesn’t have a kid is considered an oddball.

It makes me wonder about Lisa. Is she gonna get pregnant any day now? It’d be the norm. Guess that depends on how closely God wants to shape our lives. There are a few things we don’t have in common, but not much. So, if she’s just like me on that issue, too, God won’t allow her any kids. I know Becky will be a mom, though. If any of those kids are destined for motherhood, it’s Becky. She looks like a mom already. She totally has the looks God likes for that.

Anyway, seeing Melanie went fine. Oprah came out and said hi to me as she went to get someone else before Melie came for me. She moved the bracket since that tooth’s moving down and over really well. Something just hit me - you have a retainer after you have braces on your upper teeth, but what about your bottom teeth? I don’t see how you could wear a retainer down there with the tongue in the way. Yeah, we talked about those bottom teeth. I asked her what she’d recommend, and she said she’d do it; get them straightened out. She said I wouldn’t have to come in all the time since this wouldn’t be trying to nudge an impacted tooth into place, and that it shouldn’t be as painful. However, I will have the irritation at the beginning that I had with the top teeth. I told her that’s a pretty high tolerance to put up with me for longer. She said I could start anytime with the bottom teeth if I want to, and that the kids she has to deal with really irritate her. They come in with 6 broken brackets cuz of eating the stuff she tells them not to eat. She lectures them about it, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Yeah, and I’m sure the parents do a good job of watching what their kids eat. They really care.

I asked her how many patients she has and she said she didn’t know.

So afterward I asked Tom if he felt she recommended it only for the money and he said no, cuz she gets paid a salary whether or not she sees me.

Anyway, now that I’m through the worst of the top teeth, I think I’ll tell her to get things going to nail the bottom teeth next time I see her.

This sure is the decade of fixing the things God fucked up on me, huh? I fixed the ear as best I could, the teeth, and I doubt I’ll fix the sterility, but I hope that Tom will cooperate enough so I can at least get tested. Again, though, I don’t see how they can refuse to test me just cuz he won’t let himself get tested, so I guess I should go in there with the attitude of not letting him stop me whether or not he chooses to participate. Only God can do that.

Later…

I’m going to be taking my tea into bed and read myself to sleep in a little while. I forgot to say that I woke up early today. I thought I wouldn’t fall asleep till close to sunrise, and therefore, it’d be a bitch to get up at 11:30 like I told to get me up by, but the Benadryl actually went back to knocking me out. I took one pill at 11:00 and by 12:30 I was out of it. I awoke at 8:30.

I want my doll tomorrow!!

[howl-fantasies]

if requests are still open, i would love to ask for some jealous gotham villains headcanons :)) maybe gn!readers ex or cowoker they had tension with comes back looking for them. Would love to see my villains reactions lol 🥰tysm for reading!

I love the ideas so much! I focused on the villains meeting gender neutral reader’s ex. Your ex and you separated on pretty bad terms, I don’t dwelled on details but you could imagine they weren’t very nice with you or did bad things, you chose. The meeting would shake our dear villains cause they have to process what they are feeling deep inside and how much they care for the reader. It’s a bit dark, most of the time, with blood too, but it’s Gotham after all.

I hope you’ll like it! Enjoy! (Y/N is your name and Y/E/N is your ex name)

- Mini note just in case some people started to fuss about how writing about villains and non healthy relationship is bad and blah and blah and we-already-know-thank-you-very-much-have-a-wonderful-day : Of course all of this is purely fictional and having a twisted and dysfunctional relationship is not good. Find yourself a good, respectful, attentive and sane partner IRL. That’s important and you deserve the best for yourself. Take care dear. 

.

GOTHAM Villains when they are jealous

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ED NYGMA / THE RIDDLER

Poor little cinnamon roll was the one who opened your door when your ex decided to show at your flat. 

“Excuse me, does Y/N still lives here?” The person would ask Nygma who would frown a bit and ask coldly “Who are you?” “I’m Y/E/N, Y/N’s ex...partner... I’m back in town and wanted to... look, it’s a bit personal, are they here? It’s important dude.” 

Oh dear, Ed would freeze on the spot and his genius brain would go wild. Your ex? Of course you had a life before him but... why didn’t you tell him about that person... And why are they here in front of him today?

You’re his aren’t you? You told him that you love him, so no logical reason to panic isn’t it? So WHY is he panicking and shaking from rage?!

“Y/N doesn’t want to see you ever again. Leave and never show your face here ever again”, He would say, then slam the door at their face. 

When alone he would be shaking in absolute rage, against your ex, you, and him. 

Well it’s Riddler who is boiling and insulting his self and Ed for trusting you. Of course you’d dump Ed and him for some plain and boring simpleton, like Kristine did, like Lee did... He should have known. He’s an idiot. 

Super cold with you when you came back and talk to him about your day. He would be mumbling and rambling, making cynical remarks. “You love me uh? Well not that much since you never told me about that Y/E/N” 

Would be on his side of the bed, showing you his back. 

“What is it Ed?” “Oh you don’t know? See it as a riddle then, Y/N, try to solve it on your own and prove me that you’re not THAT dumb”. Ouch don’t lose patience or you might risk a good old stabbing or a chocking. 

What have you done today? Try to remember until “ding ding ding” bingo, you remembered the footsteps in front of the door, not Ed’s or yours you were certain. Someone came and was responsible of his foul mood.  

“Ed?.” Persevere cause he’ll not even try to be an adult, you’ll have to do the entire job. “My love?” Ok maybe a little tilt of his head in your direction, you’re getting somewhere. 

“I saw the footsteps, who came here?” you asked. “...Your ex, wanted to talk to you”, he grumbled. 

When you tensed he immediately turns and look at you warily. “Y/N?” “Tell me you didn’t let them in, please tell me you told them to leave!” Your distress managed to calm his anxiety but a new one was now bubbling in his stomach. “Of course I did. Why? Why are you so tensed Y/N?”. You would tell him, completely or not is up to you, but he would get the main information: that person was persona non grata in your life now. 

He feels relived to hear that, sorry for you and also incredibly mad at your ex.

After that he would want to know about all your exes, in order to protect you in case one decided to pop in front of your door again. (And also because he wants you to reaffirm your absolute love for him, flatter his ego he needs it badly now). 

Don’t be too surprised when the person literally evaporated. Don’t try to ask, you don’t wanna know, or maybe just that human body can endure a 50kg pressure before its ribs start to crack, when put under a hydraulic press. 

.

Oswald Cobblepot

Oh boy, bring Oxford Dictionary and replace tantrum’s definition by Oswald Cobblepot. 

You were in Oswald’s house during one of his parties when your ex came, started to threaten you and demanded you follow him outside.  

As soon as Penguin saw your arm being gripped by a stranger, he would feel his blood starting to boil in his veins. 

Would approach the two of you with a crisped smile and politely introduce himself, his boyfriend status, and DEMAND the person to let you go THIS INSTANT. 

“You’re into cripples now Y/N?! Look at that face and nose, what are you man? A bird?” Uh-oh.

 Oswald would grab the first bottle he sees / crystal glass, break it and jump on your ex, shoving the broken glass on the side of their neck and finished them with an umbrella down their throat. 

If Oswald managed to keep his calm and only dreamed about the scene before because he has an audience, just a glance at his face would tell you everything you need to know, from his tight lips, gritting teeth, to his shaking hands. You’re in trouble, and your ex would never see the sun again. 

Would 100% pull you behind him in an empty room to yell at you so much you would wish being deaf. If you are, you would see him sign so quickly and sloppily from rage you might have to ask him to repeat. Or don’t, you understood the main problem anyways. 

Would 100% accuse you to plot against him, will hurt you by questioning  your feelings, were even genuine? And probably would accuse you to work with Ed all this time to make him suffer. (Don’t ask what Ed has to do with all of this, Oswald isn’t rational right now, his paranoia drives him).

Let him vent, don’t even try to interrupt him, the key with Oswald is to stay calm. Always. 

Seeing you so peaceful but with a sad glint in your eyes will convinced him to hush and finally let a room for you to explain. 

“Oswald, remember when I told you about that ex I never wanted to see again because of what he did to me? Well it was him. And I didn’t want to go with him, you interrupted us just in time...” Oh. Crud. Well... Uh... Ok give him a sec to collect his self. 

Would feel totally awful after that, but also a selfish relief. God he was so scared, he loves you so much you know. So he did the right thing slaughtering that fool (NO! Call the police or punch him hard in the face/nuts but no kill Oswald!) 

If he already killed your ex : “I-...I swear the floor will be spotless tomorrow my sweet Y/N, let’s call Olga and move in another room. Would you like some tea to ease your nerves? Mother had a secret recipe with honey and a bit of milk, would you like to try?” 

Super polite and well behaved with you after that, will buy you flowers and jewels to try to make amend for all the atrocious things he told you. 

.

Victor Zsasz 

Victor is a simple man. Another person is threatening your conjugal bliss? They’re dead and without a warning. 

Joke aside, Victor was just passing by (aka having fun breaking in your flat AGAIN, not like you cared anymore at this point)... when he heard someone knocking at your door. 

“Hum... Sorry... Did Y/N changed their address?” Would ask your very pale ex seeing the intimidating hitman who just opened the door.

Zsasz wouldn’t even have to ask who, he already know about ALL your exes, names addresses, why you broke... So he would stay here, silent, deadly silent, and watch the person sweating bullets in front of him. 

“Hum... Look, I used to date Y/N and I wanted to tal-...!” “Out.” Would cut Victor then slam the door so hard the doorframe would be shaking. 

 Now alone, he would clench and unclench is jaw and fist so hard they might break.

Why is he so angry? Yes he’s 99,9% sure you love him, after all he’s a master at spotting liars, but the 0,01% still bothers him greatly. You didn’t contact your ex, he was 99,9% sure of that too...stupid 0,01%!

You would find him in on your armchair in the dark, in an imitation of the Thinker. “Vic?” 

He cares for you and what happened today enraged him beyond measure. Feelings were dangerous, but he wouldn’t kill you though, he was debating about trapping you forever in his basement or let you be. 

“Hi sweetness, you missed your ex earlier.” Ok time to be a master monk poker player. DON’T PANIC, take a seat, a deep breath and start a civil chat with your best blank face. 

“Oh. Good news then, I didn’t want to see them. Want a Pepperoni?” Sounds stupid uh? Well not that much since you show him it doesn’t phase you and you want to do domestic things WITH HIM instead. You’re doing good, he relaxed a bit. 

“Sure ask for a milkshake too. Care if I play with them a bit before killing them Y/N?” He would try again, just to be sure you really don’t care about your ex anymore (100% yandere material here). “Have fun Victor.” <- Magic formula here, he would grin like an idiot. You saved your ass, congrats... for now. (Being in a twisted relationship with this fellow is literally living on a knife-edge...)

 Would accompany you everywhere when he can after that, sticking to you like glue, instead of stalking from afar... May also strongly suggest carving a ‘VZ’ somewhere visible, “just to be clear” with everyone you know or used to. Hum... good luck with that one... (Ask for his hand, maybe changing your last name for Zsasz would be clearer, even outside the city or in another country where he’s not already famous?)

. 

Jonathan Crane

Jonathan saw your ex run to you and start arguing.

What where you doing outside for starters?!

Groceries, sounds fair...ok... He stalked you just to be sure you wouldn’t be abducted by some lunatics, Gotham is a dangerous place you know Y/N (tell us about it dude!)

He did well seeing that one gradually starting to yell about how you were an awful partner all this time and blah and blah and blah. 

Oh god, so you already have some romantic experience before meeting him... you were his first everything, love, friend, confident... but he was not yours. He would feel pretty insecure suddenly and angry and utterly terrified. 

Since he was so weird, maybe you would prefer toss him to the side and go back to a normal life with normal people like this person who was now gripping your arms. WHAT? BACK OFF NOW. 

A blur, that’s all you would see before hearing your ex yelling in absolute terror on the floor and seeing Jonathan standing next to you and looking at you warily. “You never told me about this person, Y/N”, his voice was a shaking a bit but cold. “Are you going to leave me? To abandon me?” 

Now there is an edge in it and all his body was shaking. He didn’t know what to do : let you go if you wish to? Gas you to make you lose your mind as a punishment, since you kept your precedent love life secret? Abducting you and hiding you in his basement? Cry at your feet and beg you to love him as much as he loves you?... He was lost. 

He didn’t anticipated you would throw yourself at him in his costume and cry while muttering “Oh god thank you, you free me from that creep!” Uh? Explain him why you didn’t want to talk about your ex, he would understand, he knows one thing or two about being abused you know?

Talk to him and make him talk to you about his insecurities (knowing them may save your life one day you know), tell the cinnamon roll you love him and isn’t about to toss him aside he’s too precious. 

Would be super clingy (more than usual I mean since he’s the clingiest villain here), never let you live the house without him heavily armed with his toxin. 

. 

Jervis Tetch

Oh boy no.2. Jervis would lose it here.

When your ex had the good (no) idea to show their face in front of your door, Tetch was the one greeting them. 

Like Victor, he already knows about all your exes and the life you had before starting a romantic relationship with him. So right now he’s internally fuming. What was this scum doing here? 

One of the rare times he doesn’t have is psycho smile, he’s awfully neutral right now and super dangerous. “Why hello here my dear, what can I do for you on this beautiful day?” Gentleman killer, always polite remember? 

You ex would be a bit taken aback, “Uh... Who are you dude? I came to see Y/N, where are they?” Terrible manners, Jervis lips would be tightening in a thin line, also indicating your ex they were on thin ice. 

“I, my friend, am their actual boyfriend. Y/N and I were having a nice afternoon tea when you decided to ruin our intimacy with your unannounced and unwanted visit.” Ouch he was harsh. 

Doesn’t care that much though, he would be a bit lost in his thoughts. The person in front of him was is total opposite, they look like rude and he jolted a bit when they yelled your name and tried to force their way inside. 

Immediately draws his pocket watch and hypnotized them. “Look at me in the eyes my dear, can you hear the tick-tock? Good.” 

“Y/N my love, we have an uninvited guest today!” Oh no. “Would you please be a dear and serve them a cup of tea, honey?” Double oh no. 

Your very hypnotized ex was now sit between Tetch and you, siping absentmindedly at their tea. 

“Well? Do you know what they are doing here my sweet?” Would ask Jervis with an edge in his tone. “Of course not! And trust me please I didn’t want to see their face ever again.” “Hm... Well I’m no red queen, but for you my Alice, I can do something to grant your wish” But first explain him how someone as amazing as you could have been in a relationship with this hideous frog? 

More important, if you fell once for this stupid kind of person, how can he be so sure you wouldn’t abandon him one day for another one? “I would never give you to one of those worms my lovely Alice. You know I would turn Wonderland upside down for you, don’t you? You wouldn’t dare to run like a panicked cute white rabbit far away from me?” 

Would 100% consider hypnotizing you. You’ll have to convince him to not do so. 

If you managed to, congrats, you can now enjoy your tea and the vision of your ex opening his veins and his blood being put in jam pots by your actual lover. 

. 

Jerome Valeska

Well crap. For your ex I mean. And probably for your stomach too, put that sandwich down you’ll be glad you did. 

Jerome absolutely wanted you to accompany him to wreak havoc at Gotham fairground. “Oh come on Y/N, it’ll be FUN!” 

It was, until you heard one of Jerome hostages call your name and push people aside to come just in front of you. “Do you know how long I was looking for you?! You stupid-bloody-little...-” “My, my, my who’s that Y/N?!” Jerome voice resonated next to you, interrupting your ex. “Who am I? I was Y/N’s partner! Who ARE YOU fucking clown?! Can’t you see we are talking here, go away!” Yelled your ex before grabbing your arm. 

Jerome smile would froze and his eyes opened slightly but just enough to be terrifying. What does the person next to you was doing? How dare them touch you and IN FRONT of him at that. Why where you looking so distressed even when you knew you where perfectly capable of killing that scum? Or if not, HE was totally able to. 

Seeing another person having this much power on you made his blood boil. God he wasn’t that angry for a long time : since he savagely killed his mother in fact. Do something or he’s going to rip your ex arm off you. Or don’t, even better. Just sit and watch what happens when you dare being the one having the upper hand on his feelings. 

100% would grab a saber somewhere and cut said arm clean. “Ah... that’s better. Look, you’re spoiling the fun here and Y/N isn’t smiling anymore, I cannot have that when I promised they would have the time of their life, uh? You’ll help me fix that” and he would grab them by the collar.

First stop, roller coaster, would tie your ex in front of the train and sit next to you in a wagon. “Never knew you had so plain and boring tastes, Y/N. Fortunately I came here and save you from a dull life.” Let the narcissist rants about how he was your saviour, deep down he also try to ease the little insecurity which popped up in his stomach. You were too fun to leave him, too devoted too, too in love with him. 

“Say you love me, Y/N, say it loud and clear for all people to hear above that dull person’s screams”. 

. 

Jeremiah Valeska 

Frankly, he was expecting many things when he looked at his security system but absolutely not to see a perfect stranger standing in front of his bunker? Did they came here to volunteer? (get out Victor)

“Hum... Excuse me? Is that Y/N new address?” Asked the voice into the microphone. Y/N? Why would you give this address? Only GCPD knew about it, he was certain. Did you met that person and let this piece of information escaped involuntarily? You weren’t that stupid. 

So it was intentional? Why? When? “Hello? Y/N! I really need to talk to you, you have to listen! The discussion isn’t finished because you decided to!” Said the person losing its patience.

Oh? “Good morning there, security, could you please give us your name, and tell us how you knew about this place?” Yeah Jeremiah has to understand what the hell was happening, even if it means playing security guard. 

“Hum, I’m Y/E/N, I’m a good friend of Y/N and have to talk to her, it’s really important dude, can you open, she knows me don’t worry.” 

Jeremiah was ready to talk again but heard a huge shocked gasp behind him and turned to look at you, well more the absolute terror on you face. “What are they doing here”, he heard you muttered. 

“Why are they here, YN? Did you told them?” Demanded Jeremiah in the coldest tone you ever heard him use. He was fuming, you betrayed him by giving a stranger his address. “Are you cheating on me, YN?” He would ask again in his lowest tone and feeling his stomach twists in rage and betrayal.

“Wha-No! I don’t know how he found me here, he’s my ex! Don’t let them in please, make them go away!” Your frightened voice, and non verbal made him relax a bit. “Oh. Sit, Y/N.” He demanded while patting the seat next to him. 

“Excuse me, but my employer said they didn’t want to talk. Also told they never gave you their address”, he would press a button and dozen of gun would surrounded your ex. “How did you know?” 

Poor ex would sweat bullets, “I-...I went to the GCPD, saw a file with Y/N name and this address, don’t shot!”

Oh he wouldn’t. He would abduct them though, put them in a torture room and demand you to torture them to death to prove him your ABSOLUTE devotion and love. Good luck dear. 

[trashpandato]

But we are real, real

“Who scheduled a meeting at seven in the morning?” Lena hissed, tapping the keys on her laptop with more force than strictly necessary.

“Um,” Jess cleared her throat, hovering near the door, “I believe you asked for this time slot specifically when the meeting was set last week?”

Lena pursed her lips. She had indeed done that, but that didn’t change how unhappy she was with that decision now. 

“Don’t let me do that again.”

“Of course, Miss Luthor,” Jess promised, scurrying out of Lena’s office before she could be subjected to any more harsh questions only minutes into their work day.

The meeting was…fine. Productive, even, once Lena managed to swallow down some snarkier comments that were on the tip of her tongue. The coffee Jess had brought her part way through helped a little as well. But then Lena got wind of an issue in the lab and she stormed downstairs without a second thought, sent the lab techs home with a few not-so-friendly words and mumbled something about “always having to fix everything myself” before throwing herself at the task for a couple of hours.

She was so engrossed in her work that she forgot about her scheduled call with Sam at lunch, and when her phone buzzed for the third time in as many minutes, she was about to throw it against the wall.

“I’m busy,” she snapped when she finally answered the call without even looking at the caller ID to confirm who she was subjecting to her foul mood. “A fact that should have been clear after I didn’t pick up the first two times you called.”

“Whoa there, grumpy pants,” Sam replied, a slight chuckle in her tone, “someone’s got a short fuse today.”

Lena sighed. “Sam. It’s been a day from hell.”

“Lena,” her friend’s voice softened, “you know you can just text me and reschedule our call, right?”

Lena sighed again. “Right. Sorry.”

“What’s going on? Is this a work-related hell or something else?”

“An early meeting with investors from Switzerland, and you know how rough those can be, and then a lab emergency that I’m currently fixing myself, and then I have to call my mother later today.”

“Well, that sounds unpleasant but like a pretty normal day for you,” Sam remarked, and even though Lena wanted to disagree and tell Sam that this really had been a supremely shitty morning and she had every reason to be a little irritable, thank you very much, she knew her friend had a point.

“Either way,” Lena mumbled after a moment, “I have to finish fixing this. Rain check on our catch-up call?”

“Fine. But maybe find one of those squeezy stress balls so you don’t end up biting anyone else’s head off today, okay? Well, except your mother. Go ahead and bite with gusto; she deserves that and more.”

Lena rolled her eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I’m hanging up now.”

“Love you, Lena!”

Lena disconnected the call and glanced down at her phone. There were a few notifications, some news alerts and stock market statistics, and the reminder that she had missed the two earlier attempts from Sam to call her, but no texts from the one person she really wanted to hear from. Sighing, she locked her phone, stuck it in her pocket and returned to the task in front of her.

When she went back to her desk later that afternoon, she found a man snooping around in her office and she was about to reprimand Jess for not alerting her about the intruder when the man reminded her that she had ordered him to complete a security check of her office that afternoon.

“Right,” Lena said curtly and waved at him to proceed with his task while she sat down at her desk to deal with a litany of unanswered emails that had piled up while she was in the lab.

Lena ended the afternoon with the call from Lillian, which was as unpleasant as she had expected it to be. It included the usual commentary about Lena not being equipped to lead the company, a few pointed questions about a delayed product launch and a small dip in stock values and ended with Lillian reminding Lena of everything she had ever done wrong in her mother’s eyes. By the end of it, Lena was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home and drink a very large glass of wine and have a hot bath, preferably at the same time.

When Lena was just about ready to call it a day, finishing up one last email to request a full status update from the lab technicians by noon tomorrow, a small knock made her look up just in time to see Kara step into the dimly lit office. Lena looked back down at her laptop to check the time. It was almost nine. Lena sighed.

“So Jess tells me you’ve been on a tear today. Bad day?”

Kara’s voice was light and teasing, but Lena could see that she was looking at her intently, taking in Lena’s stiff posture and tired features. Lena was about to give Kara a summary of her no good, terrible, very bad day, but what came out instead was:

“You didn’t text.”

“What?”

“You didn’t…you always text me in the mornings. You didn’t today.”

A crooked smile settled on Kara’s face as she walked towards and around Lena’s desk. She crouched down in front of Lena’s chair, her warm hands settling firmly on Lena’s thighs.

“Are you telling me that the reason you’re grumpy and made life miserable for Jess and everyone else today is because you didn’t get your customary good morning baby text?”

Lena pressed her lips into a thin line, unamused.

“I didn’t hear from you all day. I was worried.”

“Hey,” Kara said softly, bending forward a little to catch Lena’s gaze more fully. “There was an emergency. I’m sure you saw the news? I know you did and I know you saw that I was fine, otherwise you would have called Alex and made her day difficult. It just took a bit longer than expected to deal with the cleanup afterwards.”

Unable to form words with Kara’s face so close and her hands so warm and steady on her legs, Lena could only manage a small nod.

“So what’s this really about?”

Lena broke their eye contact, choosing instead to focus on her hands in her lap for this next part. 

“Well, maybe I do like getting that text in the morning? A reminder that this isn’t some elaborate fantasy that my brain made up? That you’re real. That we’re real?”

“Lena,” Kara murmured, moving one of her hands to cover Lena’s fidgeting ones. Kara waited for Lena to look up again before leaning forward to press a soft kiss to her lips. “We’re very much real, okay? And if you need more reminders of that throughout the day, I can make that happen.”

Lena nodded, unable to speak past the small lump in her throat.

Then Kara leaned forward again for another brief kiss before sliding her arms under Lena’s legs and picking her up and out of the chair, a move that resulted in a surprised little squeak from Lena.

Kara smirked. 

“Now, how about I take you home and show you just how real we are?”

[edith-hyde]

Norman X Female Reader

I Forgot My Umbrella - Part 2

Word Count: 1897

Summary: Norman starts out his day in a foul mood. But thankfully you know just the thing to brighten his day and make his work week bearable.

Warnings: None really. Age Gap I guess. Rated G for everyone.

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read Part 1! I really appreciate your kind words and likes. This one is a slow chapter but has a lot of insight into what Norman's life is like now that he's back from the MCU. [I am looking forward to Part 3. Fluff is on the horizon.]

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“You think you’re rid of me? I am YOU, Osborn! The you you’re too scared to be! And when you need me most, I’ll be there. Don’t you worry.”

Norman awoke with a start as the Goblin’s laughter echoed around his sunlit room.

“No! No…. You’re gone… Peter… he- he fixed me.”

Moving into a sitting position he did a quick look around. He expected to see the Goblin’s grinning face in the mirror but thankfully, it was just his own tired features gazing back.

With a sigh, Norman pulled his knees to his chest and ran his hands through his hair. It was just a nightmare. Nothing more.

The Goblin wasn’t back.

But, even though Norman knew that was true, his body hadn’t realized it yet. He sat there, curled in a ball, trying to get his breathing under control. His heart pounded in his ears as memories flashed behind his eyes. The Goblin’s memories. They had been coming back in broken pieces; tormenting him. He still couldn’t remember everything he had done in the other universe. And frankly… he didn’t want to.

He had been trying his best to pretend like he was fine. But the truth was- he was far from fine. He wasn’t even close to being ‘just okay’. Every day was a struggle. Some were easier than others. Like yesterday.

At the thought of yesterday, Norman felt his heart begin to calm. It had gone quite well. No mishaps in the labs. No issues with investors. There were many new hires that were doing a wonderful job. At that thought, Norman remembered his new personal assistant. What was her name? It was something pretty… that’s right, Y/N. She seemed like a sweet hardworking girl. Honest and kind, but often a bit frazzled. Norman wondered if Y/N would enjoy working for Oscorp. He hoped she would. He’d hate to lose her help.

And Heavens knew he’d need it today.

With a groan, Norman pulled himself out of the bed. Without the serum coursing through his veins, aches and pains had become a daily part of his life. The injuries he had received in the other universe were dealt with by the leftover serum, but they left his body in an almost constant state of dull pain.

Or perhaps he was actually feeling his age.

Rolling his eyes, Norman shuffled into his kitchen to find Bernard fixing breakfast.

“Good morning, sir.”

“Hardly,” Norman grouched as he reached for the coffee maker.

“I’m afraid it’s broken,” Bernard warned, “I’m sorry, sir.”

Norman’s hand was already gripping the handle of the pot. He had to resist the urge to throw the blasted thing into the wall. Taking a deep breath he slowly released it.

“I’ll buy a new one today,” Bernard promised.

Norman didn’t even bother to answer as he grabbed his plate and sat down.

“Harry called this morning,” Bernard said cautiously.

Norman brightened for a moment.

“He called? Should I call him back?”

Bernard turned to face his boss, hesitation on his features.

“He… he just wanted you to know that he’s moving out of his apartment. He didn’t say where he’s living now.”

Norman’s features fell.

“Oh…”

Despite his best efforts to make amends, Norman found himself struggling to fully earn Harry’s affections. The boy was still upset over MJ picking Peter instead of him and the whole debacle was still a festering wound. To make matters worse, Norman had made it his mission to maintain a good relationship with Peter. He owed the boy that much. He could never tell him that he knew his secret, but he did everything he could to make up for what the Goblin caused. He paid for Aunt May’s hospital bills as well as MJ’s. He had also personally apologized to her for what the Goblin made him say on Thanksgiving. While he couldn’t say sorry for the Goblin kidnapping her, this was the next best option. Norman wasn’t too sure if she had fully accepted it, but Peter had been relieved.

Harry, however, seemed angry with Norman’s attempts to make amends. It was as if he expected Norman to abandon Peter as he had. It made things very strained between them. While Norman had hopes that Harry would come around, he didn’t know how to help things along. Despite being Harry’s father for years, he felt like he was just starting out.

And it made him wonder if he was, perhaps, too late to mend what was broken.

Norman’s appetite left him, so he chose to get ready for work. Thinking about the troubles between him and Harry did NOT improve his mood in the slightest. With a grimace upon his features, Norman headed out. He wasn’t looking forward to the day at all. In fact, he would have rather stayed home and hid in his room.

But he couldn’t play hooky today. There was too much work to be done.

Though… that didn’t mean he had to enjoy it.

Norman had every intention of letting his tired gloomy mood rule his day. He had scowled at the security guard, snapped at the front desk attendant, and once in the elevator- he glared at his reflection the whole way up. The expression stayed on his face as he stalked down the hall.

But then he saw you.

You were standing by your desk, a smile on your face, and a cup of coffee in your hands. You held it out to him and gave a cheerful greeting.

“Good morning, Mr. Osborn. I have your coffee for you. No creamer with three big spoonfuls of sugar.”

He stared at you, more than a little dumbfounded. The lovely smile on your face, the sparkle in your eyes- what had he been so mad about again? Norman found it hard to remember. And when did you memorize the way he likes his coffee? Had you been paying so close attention to him yesterday that you saw how he made it? He had to admit, he was impressed.

“Thank you,” he muttered, “good morning.”

He took the cup and headed into his office. He was still tired but the coffee, and your smile, improved his mood enough for him to feel at least somewhat human.

~~~

At the start of your day, you picked up Mr. Osborn’s shirt from the dry cleaners. You had dropped it off the night before and planned on returning it as soon as you got into work. With it back in your hands, you couldn’t help but notice that the friendly smell of his cologne was gone.

What a shame.

Because you had gotten out early to pick up the shirt, you actually arrived at the office before your boss. So you decided to go ahead and brew a cup of coffee for him. You had observed the way he made his cup yesterday and committed it to memory.

Every good personal assistant should know their boss’s coffee order. Or so you believed.

And so you waited. Osborn’s shirt was hung on the back of your chair, also waiting. When you heard the ding of the elevator, you hopped up and prepared the cup. But as you waited at the corner of your desk, you saw Norman’s demeanor- he was clearly upset about something.

You entertained the idea of backing off. Don’t say anything, just let him storm into his office. But you decided to hold your ground. Perhaps all he needed was a cup of coffee?

And so you gave your greeting and offered the cup. You half expected him to shout at you. But you were pleasantly surprised when his scowl turned into an expression of confusion. That look made your smile grow even bigger. His blue eyes were twice their usual size as he looked between the coffee mug and your face. You honestly wanted to laugh but knew that might make him angry. So instead, you kept your smile on your face and held the mug out a little further. He stared for a long moment and you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks. Slowly, he accepted the cup, muttered his thanks, and disappeared into his office.

You thought it best to wait until he finished his drink before you brought him his shirt. And it was a good thing you did. It seemed like it was just enough time to let the man find a better mood. When you entered his office, he was on the phone discussing some kind of investment. His expression was deadpan as he nodded along.

That is, until he saw you.

A smile broke out on his face and he gave a little wave. The action made your heart flutter as butterflies came to life in your stomach.

This was bad.

If such a small gesture could get this reaction out of you… there was a chance that these feelings were more than just nerves.

You smiled, held up the shirt, and pointed at the closet. He gave a curt nod and then a thumbs up. Placing the shirt back in the closet where it belonged, you had to resist the overwhelming urge to smell his overcoat just to see if it smelled like his cologne as well.

Darn that curiosity. It would get you killed one of these days. Or at the very least, make you thoroughly embarrassed. Thankfully, you didn’t give in and promptly shut the doors.

However, before you could escape back to the sanctuary of your desk, Mr. Osborn hung up and addressed you.

“I see you managed to avoid any coffee mishaps on the bus this morning.”

You smirked and gestured to your pristine clothes. It was another blouse and dress pants combo, only this time the blouse had a black and pink floral print.

“Coffee free!” you laughed, “Thank God.”

“That’s good to hear,” Mr. Osborn smiled, “Speaking of coffee, thank you for the cup earlier.”

“It’s my job, sir.”

Norman’s features fell for a fraction of a second before he gave a nod, “Indeed it is. And you’ll probably need to brew more. It’s going to be a long day. In fact…. It’s going to be a long week.”

“Oh?”

Mr. Osborn rose to his feet and straightened out his suit. Coming around to the front of his desk, he sat on the edge, one leg outstretched. The action was so mundane and normal but it still sent you reeling.

Yup.

This was way more than just nerves.

“Starting today we’ll be doing a walkthrough of all the labs. We have to assess their work and if they’re earning their funding. It’s a week-long affair. I’ll need you with me to take notes.”

“Ah, that’s right.” You sighed dramatically, “Oh well. I guess I could use the cardio.”

Mr. Osborn chuckled but his expression became solemn.

“I wish it wasn’t necessary, but if a lab isn’t performing, changes must be made. Either to the staff or the research itself.”

“Makes sense. This is scheduled for the next 4 hours, yeah?”

“Yes. And that’s just one floor.”

You gave a determined nod and went to leave. Pausing in the doorway, you looked back and smirked.

“I’ll be sure to bring a thermos of coffee for the both of us.”

Osborn grinned, a look of fondness clear in his eyes as he beheld you.

“Smart girl.”

[strongermonster]

CALLED A CUSTOMER A BITCH TODAY AND GOT AWAY WITH IT YEEHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we have this obnoxious fucking old bitch karen who comes in every so often and purposely looks for stuff to be offended by (eg the canada day tshirts not too long ago that had “images of beer and and illegal drugs” on them [it was a marijuana canada leaf, which is fully legal everywhere in this country], and ofc she hates the pride month displays and all that other typical boomer karen bullshit. she’s just an extremely entitled and unpleasant person to be around,) and then demands to see a manager, specifically because they let her walk all over them and give her coupons, which is just rewarding her shitcunt behaviour and she KNOWS she can keep getting free shit by acting like this.

anyways today she was in my department (books) and asked to speak to me bc we have some of those “your changing body” puberty books for girls and it has drawn images of accurate anatomy, advice on sex/contraception and discusses abortion and sexualities etc etc, and i was already in a bad fucking mood and anyways most of this is a blur bc i was in such a foul mood + the sudden brain rush “uh oh, did i just do that? is this really happening?”, but i interrupted her little idiot speech with “ok well you’re acting like a bitch about this”, and then ofc she started screeching and got security and the store manager and i played the “omg, u just misheard me, i didn’t say that at all, omggg 😇😇😇” dumb and innocent card, and bc she’s a Known Problem Person. the manager was like “yes we will talk to her about this” and sent me back to the back (they did talk to me about it, but it was to ask if i was ok and laugh about how much of a shitty person this lady always is when she comes in)

she also demanded my name and badge number (??? what am i, a cop?) which my manager said was absolutely not information she would give her, and spent for real like 40 minutes making a huge scene. i was sent away very early into it for my safety, which i’m very glad for bc there were a lot of other customers gawking at this absolute embarrassment of a human.

still pretty pissed off that they told her i was going to be disciplined and gave her coupons for this though. i wish my company would grow a goddamn spine and tell her to either shut the hell up or don’t come back to the store, but for now, i hope i’ve ruined her day ❤🧡💛💚💙💜 also fellow retail workers, before you ask; yes it does feel as good as you’d imagine

[ejzah]

A/N: Sam goes into big brother mode on Deeks’ behalf. For “Survival of the Fittest”. A companion to my WikiDeeks frost for this week, “On Even Ground”.

***

Looking Out For A Friend

After Deeks signed off, Sam immediately grabbed his cell, and tapped Rountree’s square in his contacts.

“Hey, Sam what’s up?” Rountree answered after two rings.

“Devin, what’s Deeks doing in OPS?” Sam demanded, crossing one arm over his chest as he glared at the now dark computer screen where Deeks had been a minute ago.

“Uh, Kilbride’s orders.” There was an underlying hesitancy to Rountree’s answer, and Sam glared, even though the younger agent couldn’t see him.

“What aren’t you telling me?” He could almost hear how much Rountree didn’t want to answer his question. “Look, I’m not mad at you, I just need to know what’s going on.”

“Deeks got in a little bit late today, cause Rosa’s sick, you know,” he explained with a heavy sigh. “When Kilbride saw him, he tore Deeks a new one. Mentioned something about Deeks’ being a hazard to the team, or something to that affect. It was not pretty.”

Sam’s frown deepened. He knew Kilbride was capable of saying some nasty things when he was in a foul mood, but he usually reserved actual reprimands for more serious issues.

“Did Deeks explain the situation?” Sam asked.

“I think he tried, but Kilbride didn’t really give him a chance. He ordered us off to talk to Hanson’s mom. Then when we finished up processing the scene at Yost’s, he told Deeks to report to OPS.”

Sam shook his head, even more exasperated now than he knew the whole story.

“That makes no sense,” he said, trying not to let his current feeling for Kilbride roll off onto Rountree. “I’m sure Deeks can handle himself, but he doesn’t have any the specialized training that you, Fatima, or Shyla received. And no offense, but you guys still don’t have anything on Nell and Eric.”

“None taken,” Rountree assured him. He sounded relieved, and Sam wondered how much this had been playing on his mind. “Those two are amazing.” He paused, the silence expectant. “So, uh, is there anything you want me to do?”

“Nah, I got it handled. Thanks, Rountree.” He hung and called Deeks back.

“Hey, Sam. Still looking for that information,” Deeks answered, sounding a little overwhelmed, but more in control than a few minutes ago.

“You’re good, man. Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.”

“I am doing fantastic. Or as fantastic as a guy who is way under qualified for working in a technical analyst position and keeps getting texts from his mom who can’t find the nonexistent DVD player.”

“You’re doing fine, Deeks,” Sam assured him. “How’s Rosa doing?”

“Better. Though I think my mom is driving her crazy by now.”

“Sounds about right. Nothing like family to annoy the sick out of you.”

“That’s for sure.”

“Rountree mentioned that you and Kilbride a run-in this morning,” Sam said, getting to the point.

“Yeah, I think somebody accidentally swapped his bran muffin with a gluten one,” Deeks joked wryly. If Sam didn’t know him so well, he probably would have missed the bitterness underlying his words. “It’s fine, Sam. Do you need anything else.”

“No, you’re good. Hang in there, brother.”

***

Sam believed there was a time for subtlety and there was a time for bluntness. Now was definitely one of those blunt days. He’d watched Deeks and Kilbride feel each other out over the last couple years, and he thought they’d gained an understanding of one another. Especially on Kilbride’s part, who was quick to dismiss and dislike anything that didn’t fit into his version the world.

Clearly, Sam had been wrong about that, and now it was time to rectify it.

He caught the Admiral as he returned from OPS, of all places, a tired, harried scowl firmly in place. It was nearing the end of the day, so most of the staff had already left or were finishing elsewhere.

“Kilbride, I’m glad I ran into you,” he said, and the Admiral sighed loudly.

“Hanna, whatever it is, make it fast. I’m not in the best of moods today,” Kilbride responded grumpily.

“Yeah, and it sounds like Deeks bore the brunt of it.”

“I swear gossip spreads faster in this office than at a high school sleepover. Deeks was late again. I merely reminded him that this unit has certain expectations of its employees.”

“Did you know that he was late because Rosa is sick?” Sam asked lightly. Kilbride’s lips turned down slightly before he caught himself and shook his head.

“No, I wasn’t aware, but that’s no excuse for his tardiness. Having children is a personal decision, and as such, Deeks should be able to plan for these types of situations. This team and this country depend on us being at our best, which Deeks was not today,” Kilbride said.

“So naturally you punished him by sticking him in OPS for half the day. Lord knows he did a better job than I would, but he’s not trained for it. Which I’d argue put this team at a greater risk than Deeks being a few minutes late.”

“Agent Hanna, what exactly are you implying?” There was anger in Kilbride’s voice now, but Sam didn’t let it deter him. He’d endured a lot more intimidating than Hollace Kilbride.

“That you let your prejudice against Deeks affect your judgment. I’m the first to admit it, I used to be pretty hard on him myself. It took me way too long, and a pretty horrible case, to realize what had been in front of me the whole time. Deeks is great at what he does. He’s trustworthy, competent, the best damn undercover agent I’ve ever seen, and somebody I have literally trusted with my life time and time again.

“You’re becoming dangerously close to insubordination,” Kilbride warned him, eyes tightening.

“This isn’t the military, Sir, so I’ll respectfully continue.” Sam offered a grim smile. “Deeks is a partner, a friend. My brother. And I’ll defend him against anyone, including those who can’t see beyond the surface,” Sam finished calmly, but pointedly.

“So, you think I should disregard his tardiness?” Kilbride offered him an unimpressed look.

“If you’re going to start reinforcing that rule, then you better yell at all of us. Since we’ve all been pretty lax with are comings and going recently,” Sam pointed out. “Either that, or you give Deeks some grace, because even though he goes by a different title, he’s just as much of an agent as any of us.”

He let that linger in the air between them, and a hint of discomfort in Kilbride’s face. That was a good sign. Lowering his voice, he added,

“My advice is, think about why you singled Deeks out today. And if you’d do the same if it was me, or Callen, or Fatima.”

“Is that all, Agent Hanna?” Kilbride asked sharply, firmly back in control. Sam sighed internally. He hadn’t expected miracles.

“I think so, Sir. Just remember that apologies aren’t the worst thing in the world.” Sam offered him a respectful nod before he turned, leaving Kilbride standing in the middle of the mission.

He hoped Kilbride figured things out faster than Sam had. For his own sake as well as Deeks’.

**

A/N: I’m not sure this quite fits in with the episode timeline and events, but we’ll ignore that. If the writers can have people get around LA in record time, then Sam can make it back for this little chat.