#I try to sleep it off and it just stays

[jelly-o630]

Everyone’s always like

WAAAAAAA Why does my back have to hurt and my knees give at 30 and yada yada the human body suuuuuuuucks and then never mention our brains

Why does my fucking BRAIN have to hurt for hours or days at time

Why must my EYEBALLS have to ache

Why must I sense the pain go from the front of my head to the back to a band around and go to all sorts of crazy places AND RARLY GET RELIEF

I HATE HEADACHES SO MUCH

[pangur-and-grim]

Pangur is THRILLED that I have mono! her favourite thing in the world is napping with me

[kingkatsuki]

Specifically thinking about long distance relationships today.

So tell me how you and your f/o would first meet online?

[kimetsu-chan]

I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted

I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people

I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;

so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! ����)

[batwynn]

A Recipe for Grief

With shaky hands he crushes the chunks of still-too-cold butter into the sugar, impatient for the taste of it. It’s a gift, his mom’s chocolate chip cookie recipe that has no recipe. He can’t write it down, it’s made of handfuls and feelings. It tastes just right. Tastes just like the memories of tall kitchen counters and the smell of cheap vanilla extract. Of the excitement of creation, and the sweet reward of the work.

His mom is still here, in the other room. But today he’s letting the grief creep in as he mashes a fork through the slowly melting butter. He knows he doesn’t have the memory like her, to keep this recipe alive. He knows he has no one to pass it down to, no one to teach by showing the handfuls and speaking the feelings. He knows there isn’t a lot of time before she can’t correct his mistakes with it anymore.

The words “pregame grief” pop into his head, and he laughs a little as he cracks the eggs. His whole life has been pregame grief, one batch of cookies at a time. He knew what the threat of death was when he was five, knew there was an inevitable end to the familiar. To the safe and comfort of old, green sweaters and chocolate chip cookies. Predictable as the sliver of eggshell that always makes its way into the dough.

Maybe it’s a gift. Learning early on that that one and only person could be gone at any moment. Maybe it steadies the hands when you get the news that the end is predictable, written down like everyone else’s recipes. Maybe it keeps you up at night, trying to find ways to re-write the measurements. Ways to avoid burning when you have to bake them. Trying to find ways to let it go, and let the science and time do their work.

But letting it go is hard. Measuring with your heart when your brain tells you that’s too many chocolate chips. Letting go says the whole bag, why not? Life is short. Life is short, but it’s coming together now and forming something cohesive. The wet and the dry. The whole bag of chips, she says from the other room. It’s a gift.

[twopoppies]

.

[innalheid]

Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18

[sandpapersnowman]

my therapist and i were talking about spacing out our sessions more since i'm generally doing okay and then i accidentally forgot to schedule more sessions so i'm going through like one of the worst things i've gone through in a while and like desperately want to talk to my therapist but her earliest appointment is december 5th (it is currently september 18th)

[murple]

It's been a while since Arthur's encountered something obviously cursed and decided to walk directly towards it. Glad to see nothing's changed

[scoliosisgoblin]

Peter and Jay doodles feat. T.K. and Lucy (headcanons for what I think they'd look like as humans.. gonna change their designs though)

[dionysuswearsanorangetracksuit]

i used to be so smart what the fuck happened

[nomairuins]

loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[pixlmonkeys]

gonna be real I am already so over this whole medical issue thing

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I've decided to get rid of my body, it only causes problems

[inkats]

ourghhhhhhh