#I think I'll pass but I did well on my midterm so I'm going to be disappointed no matter what

[dawei-s]

Final tomorrow :| not ready for it but at least there will be a ten solo album by the end of the day

[fhrlclln]

y'know what, qimir deserves to be a babygirl sometimes. what about a fic where he's on the early stages of training softie!y/n so they're still not well versed in using the force, but once vernestra tried to attack qimir, he was surprised that y/n could wreak havoc like that 😁

p.s. i LOVE u fics sm <333

you give me strength | qimir

SUMMARY -> in a weak moment, he thought his life would end right there in the hands of his former master's final blow, but he thought otherwise when you showed up.

qimir x acolyte!fem! reader

masterlist

GENRE -> angst & fluff

WARNINGS -> sweet moments before disaster, slight tension, qimir's a softie, violence, mentions of blood, fight scene

WC -> 2.14k

a/n: I'M BACKKKKKKK. midterms are finally over! but some requirements are still pending to be passed but overall, my schedule has finally gotten a bit looser. hope u liked this anonz, sorry for the wait!

likes, comments and reposts are greatly appreciated !! <3

enjoy !!

"good. lift your elbows up a little more."

you obey, clutching your lightsaber tight as you fix your stance. hoping you did it right this time. there's a tug of a smile gracing his lips as qimir observes you from where you stand. determined as ever to learn.

"relax your grip. not too tight on the hilt, you may never know when to switch hands in a fight." he fishes out his own saber, showing you the relaxed grip he has. you listen, doing the same. he admires these times, now that his need to hide his identity from you wasn't of need anymore, training you became more... comforting.

"yes, master." you nod, and he lightens at your strong will.

"good. now, don't think of your weapon as a weapon. treat it as an extension of you. we'll practice now." he softly says, the waves crashing in the background making this lesson more relaxing. "you have already mastered the forms i have taught you. next step, we will be sparring. and i will be your opponent."

"oh..." there's a flash of uncertainty on your face. you didn't expect your first spar to be with him.

"are you worried for me?" he jokes, and you roll your eyes.

"i think i'm more worried for myself, master." you say back with a sarcastic tone. he chuckles as he lights his saber, the crimson glow catching your eyes. you always admired how he fights, and now that you'll experience it first-hand, you are a bit worried.

"you don't need to." he grins, readying his stance as he lifts his arm up, the crimson light illuminating his face as he looks at you with a shine in his eyes. "i'll be gentle."

your heart skips a beat at his tone. you merely nod, still uncertain if you should go full-on with an attack you had in mind. you don't want to hurt him.

"you take the offensive. i will defend myself." he motions you to start. you steadied yourself, feeling your saber in your hand, the force flowing through you. qimir stands still, waiting for your move. and you start, swiftly doing a normal slash and it clashes with his saber. the familiar sound of two beaming lights hitting. he watches you, even though he's now fastly defending himself, how quick you are to change forms. just like him, his attacks were rough and hard, with no mercy to place upon a real enemy. he's proud, even though he knows you still are holding back from him to unleash your potential.

"defend yourself now!" he shouts between clashes of your sabers. both crimson lights illuminating your faces. he takes the initiative to procure his own offense, teaching you to quickly defend yourself. and just like that, you two are moving in a tandem. you dodge his attack to your neck, and he dodges your uppercut. he admires your passive face, loving the way you are exceeding his expectations as his acolyte.

the situation escalates quickly. he sees that you are determined to strike him down, and this fuels him to unleash half of his real strength in a fight. but you retaliate, watching his every move, but not focusing entirely too much. he's surprised now as you dodge his slash quickly, and you pop up from behind him. he turns around, and then he sees it, you holding up your saber, putting all your strength in it. his eyes widened for a moment, a flash of a memory peering into his mind. one he had forgotten but resurfaced out of all times.

"master-" you faltered, and he quickly fixed himself as he took in your distracted face. his saber was about to slice your chest, but you quickly deflected his attack, stumbling back. he's at a distance from you now. your chest heaves, and so does his. he shakes his head as he turns off his saber, tucking it to his belt.

"do not falter even for a moment." he firmly said. "in a real fight, there is no time to think. do not always rely on your saber, use your connection with the force. i almost plunge my saber into your chest."

"but... i-i almost-" you stuttered, turning off your saber. you almost injured him.

"i would have defended myself with your attack." he sighs. "you need to stop holding back. you were excellent, but i need to see more of what you are hiding in there." he points to you. you only nod silently. he then softens his face, seeing you disappointed with yourself again. he walks towards you, and you nervously look up at him.

"don't doubt yourself. you were great." he takes your hand holding your saber to his.

"i don't think i can kill someone." you confessed, the comfort of his warmth making you vulnerable. "is that bad?"

"no." he shakes his head, putting his other hand on top of yours. "mercy is a kindness. but it is not a necessity. remember, the enemy will think of killing you, as you are as well."

"i understand." you nod, looking away from him, still ashamed. qimir still observes you, wondering how you still have more humanity left in you than him. and how soft he has become than before to you.

"have you been practicing with the rocks?" he asks. another thing he had to verse you in is your connection with the force. you had trouble using your emotions to put more power in yourself. you were still hesitant to put your rage in, and he knows you choose not to use it.

"yes." you say, he then touches the side of your face, ushering you to look at him. "i'm not...- it still didn't work."

"that's alright." he sighs, admiring your pretty face. "we'll work on it."

・゜゜・．

"but master-"

"you will listen to me." qimir shuts you up as your face contorts into a series of emotions ranging from confusion to nervousness. his robotic voice sends shivers down your spine as he opens the starship's door. you gulped, how things escalated so quickly. days after your sparring session, qimir had planned a quick trip and a lesson for you on some planet in the outer rim. things were going smoothly, yet the moment he felt his former master's presence lurking, everything fell into shambles. and now here you are, begging him that you should come with him as he will confront his own painful past.

"you take a step outside this ship. i will knock you out." he threatens, his own emotions going into disarray. despite the fear coursing through him at the thought of vernestra, he knew he had to do this. he had to face his last obstacle towards true freedom. you stand there, silent, your eyes watering at the thought that he might not even come back. you stuttered, wanting to tell him something, but he swiftly exited, holding his saber tight in his fist. he wanted to look back at you, knowing it might be his last, but he willed himself not to as he ignored your pleading stare.

the starship's door slowly closes, and the last thing you see is his figure getting smaller and smaller from where you stand.

he walks, each step he takes is a step closer towards his imminent death- or his absolution. he closes his eyes momentarily behind his mask, imagining your face. a surge of determination floods through him.

he will not die.

but…

“surrender now!” his former master’s voice roared through the dense forest. he shuddered, clutching his wounded side as he shakily held himself up. vernestra glares at him, her purple sabe-whip taunting him. he shakily lets out a breath, his own resolve crumbling as blood seeps into his black robes.

he can’t do it.

he can’t.

it repeats in his mind, this very scenario haunting him as he remembers how he got his scar. his hand shakes, and the saber in his other hand is still tightly held. but his own body is telling him to stop. he shakes his head, choosing to use the force to push her back to gain some leverage. he can't give up now. not when you are still on the planet, and if he fails, she'll take you next. he refuses to surrender now, vernestra countered his move, swiftly dodging his last resort, raising her saber up as a look of sadness crossed her face for a moment.

“you leave me no choice.” she says as he is thrown back as she jumps towards him, ready to land her final blow.

his eyes widened for a moment; flashes of your face and the recent memory of you two sparring calm him. he doesn’t want to feel fear before vernestra finishes him. his heart stops for a moment as he watches his former master near him, her purple saber flashing through his eyes just like before. him begging for her to stop, he was so young-

but it doesn’t happen.

he sees his former master get thrown to the side roughly before she can whip her saber. he stumbles back, sitting on the cold ground as he clutches his bleeding side. vernestra makes a strained noise as her back hits the tree behind her hard. his chest heaves as he looks at the offender who managed to catch his former master off-guard.

and there you were.

your hand is still stretched out as you ignite your saber in your other hand. he is stunned for a moment, feeling the raw power of the force emanating within you. your aura crawls through his body and he shivers at that. but what shocks him more is that visceral look of fury plastered on your face. he wants to say something as he tries to reach out to you, but it's cut off as he hears vernestra shout something at you. he can't focus, the shock in his body is slowly fading, and he's close to passing out from the lack of blood. he hastily removes his helmet as a last resort to see you fully. and his eyes are presented with a gruesome scene of you dueling his former master.

you, his timid acolyte, wreaking havoc for him.

before the darkness takes him, the last thing he sees, and he doesn't know if it's a figment of his muddled mind, he sees you appear swiftly from his master's behind- as quick and brutal as you shove your crimson saber down, and he hears his former's master gurgled voice. his eyes blink, his vision getting blurry, he breathes out your name as the darkness sweetly takes him.

・゜゜・．

he groans awake... the soft embrace of a warm blanket is the first sensation he feels. the second is a dull but painful sensation on the lower side of his abdomen. he groans at that, his eyes blinking as his vision adjusts to the dim light in the room. he's back in the starship from what he can blindly make out. his mouth is dry as he mumbles something out as his vision sets. his heart thumps as he finally sees you, sitting by the edge of the bed, looking at him softly. the contrast of how your expression was moments ago as he remembered, a swell of pride engulfs him.

"hey... try not to sit up." you say softly in greeting. "we don't have a bacta patch in the ship... so i bandaged your wound." you explained as you stood up, fetching him some water.

"wait." he weakly stops you, reaching his arm out at you. you obeyed, walking near him.

"yes, master?" you asked gently.

"you did well." he offers a weak smile. "i'm proud of you. even though you disobeyed my orders."

you blink, a little shocked, but you smile as well. "i learned from the best."

he chuckles at that, the irony of how "the best" almost surrendered to his former master in a weak moment. you sense the distress from him as you sit down next to him. he watches you, observing your next move.

"i mean it." you say, qimir stays silent as he shakes his head. "you taught me not to fear... and i finally did learn. and i wasn't going to leave you at the hands of her... you gave me the strength."

the shine in your eyes of genuineness has him melting. he takes a moment to look at you of how close you are as his hand comes up to grasp your hand on your lap. there's a moment of silence wherein you two just stare at each other in comfort. the danger was finally at rest. the thought of his former master was now gone... though, he did grieve what was before. he smiles, rubbing circles on your skin as he softly whispers back.

"and i you."

[mintmatcha]

cw: a weird vent piece lol, suicide mention, no quirks au, mentally ill reader

You always fuck with your shirt on. You'd wear more, if you could, but you haven't figured out how to do it with your pants on yet.

You pull the sheets over your sweat chilled legs and hope he didn't notice the spots you missed shaving. If he did, Natsuo doesn't seem to mind. His arm is tucked under your head, muscle fibers occasionally twitching underneath you and turning the soft mass dense.

Sometimes, Natsuo keeps his shirt on too. Neither of you have ever asked the other about it; there's a mutual understanding when a hand is stopped.

"Do you work tonight?" he asks.

You shake your head as his body relaxes deeper into the mattress.

"I'm gonna do laundry if you want to throw your stuff in," he mumbles, "I'll get you junk to sleep in."

The medical textbooks he was studying are still on the floor, flipped to random pages of different cycles and tissues, abandoned in exchange for you. If Natsuo fails his midterms, it'll be your fault. If he passes, he'll be leaving the city next semester for his hospital rotations.

Part of you wants him to fail. It's that dirty, evil part that no one else seems to have, the part you try to starve, but it keeps growing anyway. It nips at you whenever the room gets too quiet.

It's teeth are extra sharp today.

"You're so sweet." You speak into his skin, "I don't know how you're still single."

A sharp inhale is sucked through his teeth, cutting through his smile. Natsuo takes in all of your features and you know he's wondering why you're saying these things-- why you're purposefully bringing this up.

"Well, sweetie-" His tone is light, like he's avoiding stepping on glass, stepping on glass. With every word, he walks his fingers on your arm, spanning from elbow to shoulder, "I'm only single because you keep turning me down."

The overhead fan whizzes. The part you try to starve sinks its teeth into your chest.

"Natsuo, we've talked about this," you say, "I don't date."

You sit up and swing a leg over him, straddling his hips. A trail of white hair runs down his stomach and down under the sheets, disappearing where the two of you meet. He holds you by the hem of your tee, just tight enough to hold you in place.

"Would it be so bad?" he whispers.

"Here's what would happen, alright?" You brush your fingers through his sweat touched hair and it bounces right back into place the second you pull away. It makes you giggle a bit and he mirrors you, an unsure, foolish optimism in his eyes, "Let's just say I met this wonderful, beautiful boy and tricked-"

"Tricked?" he scoffs.

"Tricked him into loving me." You want to kiss him, but it feels cruel for both of you. Instead, you just cup his jaw in your hands and cradle him, letting the weight of him slump into your palms, "He'd treat me right and bring me home to meet his parents, 'cause he was raised right and, even though he's really smart, he'd think he's in love."

Fingers squeeze at your hips.

"But the second I left, his parents would tell him that he deserves someone prettier and smarter and, and, and better," you say, "And they'd be right."

“My mom’s nice," He drops your pretense with a whisper, ruining your not so careful charade. “She wouldn’t say that.”

He doesn’t mention his dad. There’s a silent sentence there. One that says, “But he might.” It’s hard to keep your brain from sticking to that point, from sticking your thumb into this metaphorical soft spot.

“I mean, she wouldn’t say it out loud, but she’d think it," you say, “She’d sit there and think ‘that girl's not good enough for my son' and she'd be right."

He scoff he lets out is uneasy, almost a songed laugh, more pained than annoyed. "My mom is nice."

This conversation is hurting him, but you can't stop yourself.

"And they'd tell you to break up with me, but you wouldn't listen to them, 'cause you're head strong like that. You'd probably date me in spite of them for while," you ramble, "But then you'd go away and you'd meet some pretty, normal girl and you'd realize they were right. They were always right. I was right."

The overhead fan whizzes.

"So, it's better if I just don't date at all,"

Natsuo's grip dissolves and you think you see it then - the moment whatever is between you dies. A hollowness passes over his features, empty eyes and sucked cheeks, as he ducks his head down to rest his face against your chest. Chin against the soft of your tits, he seems farther away than ever.

You could gloat. You could cry. You're a self-fulfilling prophecy once again.

Natsuo sighs and his words slip so easily from him that you almost don't process what he's saying. "You're so sad. I wish you'd get help."

That catches you off guard. The control over this conversation is ripped away, your curtain drops, and you suddenly feel very, horribly seen.

"What?" You try to laugh it off, leaning back to escape the way he watches you.

"Sometimes I wake up and you're not here," he says, "And I worry that's the last time I'll ever see you."

You understand the implication.

"I'm not gonna kill myself." It might be the truth, you think.

"Yeah," His arms wrap around your waist again, snaking the air from your lungs, "Touya promised me that too."

Touya is only ever mentioned over too many beers and tears you're not allowed to remember the next morning. He was only 16, only a couple years older than Natsuo, but the ghosts still linger to this day, always tucked into the back of the room, stalking, haunting.

Natsuo comes from money and fame. His apartment is paid for by his father. He's never had to work to afford food. At first, you resented him for that; you wanted that ease and safety his family afforded him.

But everything comes at a cost. Every unhappy family is unhappy in there own ways.

"I'm sorry that you keep loving things that break." That is the truth. You're just the end of a line of his mistakes, starting all the way at mom and dad and trailing through every girlfriend ever since.

"I do love you. And it's not despite the fact you're 'broken'," Natsuo takes your hand with a resounding firmness. It reminds you of that thing they say about golden retrievers; the smart ones can hold an egg in their jaws without shattering the shell. Natsuo holds you like he understands you in some deep, intrinsic way, "Or because of it or whatever."

He doesn't look away, those bright, wide eyes bluer than ever.

"I just like all your little pieces." He kisses your knuckles one by one, trailing from thumb to pinkie to thumb again.

The room is silent. The bad part of you is no longer begging to eat. Maybe it's full for now, but you know it's just out of focus, stalking in the dark, biding its time.

"You should study." You slip from him and reclaim your own space in the bed. After a long, simple pause, Natsuo gets up himself, collecting his boxers from the floor.

"Yeah," he says, "You're right."

The hurt you've caused is no longer comfortable to live in. Your mouth is dry, thirsty for a change you're not sure how to make. Recovery feels like a big leap-- loving and being loved feels every farther away.

All you can do is shuffle your feet against the sheets and take the tiniest step towards normalcy.

"Do you want to get brunch tomorrow before your classes?" you offer your olive branch, your silent promise, "I'll pay."

He weighs this, measuring it for sincerity, then smiles just wide enough your get a glimpse of teeth.

"Let me get you something to sleep in."

For now, it's enough.

[practically-an-x-man]

Here's a prompt for you!

"I don't need you to be perfect! Just please, for once in your life, listen to me!"

Oooh I'm thinking Jasper for this one!!

____ Mama

Word Count: 2.5k Content Warnings: heavy argument, abusive parents, transphobia/deadnaming (NOT by Kyle don't worry there)

____

Jasper did not enjoy visits with his mother.

There were the better sides to it - homecooked meals, the familiarity of the house, visiting his friends and neighbors that were all a hair too far from the city to visit regularly. It wasn't as though he wallowed in misery, on those recesses and holidays he spent away from Tulane.

But he didn't enjoy spending time with his mother. There were a lot of reasons why.

"I was thinking maybe I could take some of Dad's old records back with me," Jasper said, posing the question as casually as he could, "I've got a record player in my dorm."

"We have a record player here." his mother said, without even looking up from her novella. Jasper resisted the urge to sigh.

"I know, but-" he started, chewing the inside of his cheek, "I know you don't listen to them, since it's not your kind of music. But I like it. I think it could be nice to listen to when I study."

"Did I not buy you an iPod a few years ago?" she asked, the words undercut with a shiver of dark annoyance. Jasper felt every ripple of it. His mother raised an eyebrow. "Did you break it?"

"You did. And- no, it works fine. But records, um, records have a better sound, y'know? And they remind me of Dad." he continued, tumbling over his words under the weight of his mother's gaze, "I'll leave the country ones, and the CCR and the other ones you like. I just want the heavy stuff. He's got those Metallica records, the originals, and a whole bunch of Linkin Park, and even some stuff that's even heavier than that and I know you aren't listening to those ones anyway-"

"Jasmine Michelle."

Jasper fought hard to bite back his grimace. It never got easier to hear.

"You are not taking your father's records out of this house." his mother continued, her voice and emotions equally icy, "He left them here, and they'll stay here. This is the last time I'm having this discussion with you. And stop cutting your hair so short. You look ridiculous."

Ironic, considering she was sporting a pageboy cut herself. Jasper's buzz cut wasn't much farther removed from that, he thought. But it was harder to pretend he was still Mama's Little Girl when he refused to let his hair grow out, he figured. He wrung his fingers behind his back, squeezing until it hurt.

"I like it cut like this." he argued, fighting hard to summon his voice, "It's... better for derby."

"Is school going well? You're passing all your classes?"

Breezing on ahead. Like she hadn't even heard him. That, too, never got easier.

"Yes, mom." Jasper sighed, "It's going fine. I got an A on my anatomy midterm. My professor said only two percent of students actually manage to ace that-"

"And you've got friends? A boyfriend?"

Kyle's name sprung to his lips, but he bit it down. He didn't want his mother to know about that. It would only lead to more prying questions, which would lead to her wanting Kyle to visit, which would lead to... God knows what else.

"I've got friends," Jasper agreed - not a lie, but not the full truth, "With derby, and with nursing. There's even a- a guy in my history class who's really nice. We've had a couple study dates."

"Good." his mother replied. Her eyes flicked up and down Jasper's figure, and he realized he was shifting on his feet. Another shiver of cold annoyance wormed its way through his chest. Jasper forced himself to freeze, despite the way his body demanded movement. "Am I keeping you from something, Jasmine?"

"Jasper." he muttered under his breath, regretting it the instant it was past his mouth. The cold only deepened. He wanted to shiver.

"What was that?"

Jasper swallowed hard. It wouldn't get any better if he didn't stand up for himself. His mother had never been outright cruel about matters like this - she just didn't care. She didn't speak badly about him, didn't call him slurs or cast him out, but she also didn't make any effort at his name or pronouns. That was why he hadn't bothered correcting her. But if he started now, maybe she'd start to see how important it was do him. At the very least, he was done being walked over.

"It's my name. Jasper." he repeated, a little more strongly. His mother gave him a strange look. Emotions danced in his chest. He couldn't tell what they were, even which ones were his own.

"Your grandmother gave you that name. It's a family name. It belongs to you."

"It's- it's a beautiful name." he stammered, a bit of his confidence waning, "But it's not my name. My name is Jasper."

He could feel irritation beginning to brew, alongside a nebulous sort of confusion. He didn't know what to make of it. He decided to stand his ground.

"Mom, I-"

"Was I not good enough?" his mother blurted. Jasper blinked, confused at the question. His mother sighed - without his sense, he'd have assumed it was disappointment. And it was disappointment... but not towards him. Jasper's mother pressed her lips together, choosing her words. "Did I not raise you right? Should I have raised you as a boy?"

"You didn't know, Mom, it's- it's okay." he tried, "You didn't know, but now you do, and-"

"I'm sorry I wasn't a perfect mother to you. I'm sorry I did something wrong."

Funny how I'm sorry could sound so little like an apology. His mother had always been awfully good at casting blame. Casting blame, claiming all the sympathy in the room for herself, never letting another person speak their mind. It had taken Jasper a very long time to realize other people's parents weren't like that.

The only thing that kept Jasper from wilting was the anger stiffening his muscles. It didn't even need to be an argument. It didn't need to be about her. All it was was his fucking name. Basic decency. He'd thought she could look past her ego for that much.

"I don't need you to be perfect!" he blurted, though he winced at the way his voice cracked. He felt tears rising behind his eyes. "Just- please, for once in your life, listen to me!"

"I just want to understand what happened to my daughter!"

"I'm not your daughter!" he shouted, unable to help himself. Something sharp and surprised, verging on painful, darted through his chest. He could see it written all over his mother's face. Regret flooded him so intensely he almost couldn't breathe. "Mom, that's- that's not what I meant. I'm your child, I'll always be your kid, but I'm- I'm not your daughter."

He didn't know how a simple conversation about his dad's old records had spiraled out of control so fast. His heart beat so heavily he could hear the blood rushing in his ears.

His mother didn't speak. It was worse when she didn't. Finally, she let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Jasmine..."

"Jasper."

"Jasper." she echoed, with something like disdain coloring her voice, "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't..." Jasper mumbled, "I don't know."

Without another word, he turned and left the room.

With tears now freely streaming down his face, Jasper ducked into his dad's old office and sat down on the floor. Boxes of weathered LPs surrounded him, and dust motes caught the sunlight that streamed in from the windows.

He let out a shaking sigh, flipping through the records and watching the album art blur into smears of color past his tears. Really, he knew it was going to end like that. It was how his mother treated a lot of things - anything that didn't perfectly align with how she wanted the world to run, he thought. He'd known from the beginning that there were only two options for that conversation to end: she'd brush it aside, refuse to care, or she would flip it into a plea for sympathy.

But knowing and hoping were never really the same. He wanted things to have turned out right.

As if on some cosmic cue, Jasper's phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, his glimmer of annoyance melting into something a little softer when he saw Kyle's name on the screen.

How's the visit with your mom? Received 3:44 PM

Jasper huffed out a sharp breath, swiping a hand angrily across his eyes.

Bad Delivered 4:16 PM

Kyle's response came in hardly a moment later, accompanied by a brief flicker of concern behind Jasper's heart.

Want to talk abt it? Received 4:16 PM

No Delivered 4:16 PM

Just wish I was there with you Delivered 4:17 PM

Me too Received 4:17 PM

Jasper's fingers hovered over the keyboard, but he couldn't figure out what to say. Eventually he sighed and gave up, tucking his phone back into his pocket. It buzzed only a minute or two later.

He opened the message and found a picture of a dog - a puppy, either an Australian shepherd or something similar, snapping at a cluster of fallen leaves dropped by a hand just barely in frame. It succeeded in coaxing a smile from him, albeit a faint one.

Neighbors got a new puppy Received 4:19 PM

His name is Ferdinand Received 4:19 PM

The texts were closely followed by a video, slightly warped and blurry from being sent over text, but still clear enough. It showed Ferdinand prancing after a tossed Frisbee, moving in that rambunctious but not-quite-graceful puppy way. Kyle wasn't in the frame, but his voice cheered out from behind the camera.

He's really cute Delivered 4:21 PM

Kyle responded with another picture, this one clearly a flub of what was supposed to be a posed shot. Kyle was crouched beside the dog, one arm around its fluffy back- but Ferdinand had jumped up onto his knee and was stretching to lick his face. The picture showed Kyle mid-laugh, both of them slightly blurry. It got a wider smile from Jasper, and his fingers danced across his phone screen.

Not as cute as you are though Delivered 4:22 PM

He felt a flicker of soda-pop amusement bubble through his chest, accompanied by something warm and comforting. He'd always been grateful for his odd little link with Kyle, but now more than ever. At least he had someone on his side - someone who'd never doubted, never faltered, never questioned even when he still didn't understand.

Jasper let out a low sigh, forcing himself to exhale his lingering emotions. His fingers itched for movement, and he found himself flipping again through the box of old records. He'd seen them all before, knew his well-worn favorites and those he always skipped past. But this time he paused, stalling on the image of a night sky overlaid by a silver longsword. Despite everything, it made him smile. He reached for his phone and snagged a quick picture.

Look what i found in my dad's old records Delivered 4:25 PM

Kyle responded almost immediately, a bloom of warmth filling Jasper's chest just as the message went through.

Toto!! Received 4:25 PM

Give it a listen for me :) Received 4:25 PM

Jasper managed a fragment of a smile. Broken, shattered, but... almost there.

I will Delivered 4:26 PM

He blew dust off the record, flipped it over and scanned the list of songs, anything to occupy his hands or his mind. Jasper briefly glanced at the record player on the bookshelf, just as worn and dusty as the record itself.

No. He'd do one better.

He was taking this one with him. Not all of them, not even the heavy rock he'd promised, just this one. His mother wouldn't even notice the loss. There had to be a hundred records in his dad's collection. Even Jasper couldn't list them all.

She wouldn't even notice it was gone. And Jasper would hang onto a little piece of his dad's heart.

Before he even realized it, his fingers were dancing across his phone again.

Would it be easier if I was a girl? Delivered 4:33 PM

Brief pause. Uncertainty, mild confusion, swirled through Jasper's chest like bubbles in a lava lamp.

Would what be easier? Received 4:33 PM

Us Delivered 4:34 PM

Idk Delivered 4:34 PM

Dating me Delivered 4:34 PM

Another brief pause. Another uneasy drift of confusion, this one tinged with cool blue concern. There was something else there too, something Jasper had learned to identify as longing. Kyle wished he was there, that they could talk face-to-face, that he could mend whatever wrongs he could clearly sense that Jasper was struggling with.

The response went through a moment later.

Are you a girl right now? Received 4:35 PM

No Delivered 4:35 PM

Then no Received 4:35 PM

I like you better when you're being yourself Received 4:35 PM

Jasper almost sighed with relief. There was no waver in Kyle's sincerity. Not that there ever really was. It made things better, though doubt and hatred still prickled across his skin.

But would it be easier Delivered 4:37 PM

There was a longer pause, like Kyle was choosing how to respond. Jasper hardly moved, staring at the phone in his hands and the album in his lap.

Maybe Received 4:39 PM

Technically I guess Received 4:39 PM

But I don't want it to be easier like that. I want you to be happy w who you are. Even if it means we have to deal with bible belt bullshit sometimes. I love you Jazz Received 4:40 PM

Jasper's fingers twitched across the little keyboard, typing out another message.

Are you sure?

But he shook his head and deleted it. He knew Kyle was sure. He could sense it as well and clearly as he could feel his own heartbeat. He couldn't have doubted Kyle if he tried. Sometimes his sense really was a lovely thing.

In the silence that followed as Jasper failed to respond, his phone buzzed again in his hand. He glanced down at it.

And hey just think next year we'll have our own apartment. Won't have to leave on the breaks Received 4:42 PM

Eight more months Jazz Received 4:42 PM

Hang in there Received 4:42 PM

Love you <3 Received 4:43 PM

Jasper forced himself to take in a long breath and let it out, nearly coughing as he inhaled more dust than air. Kyle was right. Just a few more months of this, and then they'd have their own place in the city. A safe place. No more judgement, no more invasive questions, no more abuses of privacy and hands where they didn't belong. They'd both be safe.

Eight more months. A few more weekends, one more holiday break, one more summer. Then it would be just him and Kyle. Then... all of this would be a little easier.

He could make it through eight more months.

I know Delivered 4:45 PM

Hanging in there Delivered 4:45 PM

Love you too <3 Delivered 4:45 PM

[causenessus]

HI LOVELY NESS IM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO A CHECK IN YESTERDAY💔 yesterday was so hectic and like i’m scared that one of my irls are gonna read this and know it’s me bcuz it’s so specific but you live u love LMDO but like i literally had work from 7:30am-11:30am then 1-5:30 (worse split shift in all of history i didn’t even go home i just stayed at work and napped) then i came home and had a midterm at 7 and i was like SO TIRED LIKE RIGHT AFTER I FINISHED I LAID IN BED AND FELL ASLEEP??? IM SO MAD BCUZ I DIDNT EVEN WASH MY FACE I JUST PASSED OUT like i’m so devastated because i’ve been so good at staying consistent but i missed one day </3

but anyways that was my busy busy day i’m SO UPSET when i woke up and i was like I FORGOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT but i hope you ate yesterday, i hope i was like floating around your head as a reminder to eat bcuz u deserve it and u deserve to be well!! i hope ur day was good as well, make sure you eat today though!! i wanna know what you’ll eat!! yesterday i had pasta once again (leftovers galore) and i had some takeout as well! today im heading to work again </3 (im literally writing this while on the bus to work) but i had a banana this morning and ill eat right after work!

also sorry sorry this one is so long but it was so funny bcuz yesterday when you answered my ask, you said that you were getting ready for work or on ur way to work or something and it was so funny because I WAS ALSO GETTING READY FOR WORK (we are so soul flame)(so twin flame)(me and u are🤞)

anyways i hope today is so so so good for u !! make sure u eat and take care of yourself! xoxo

YOU ARE TOTALLY OKAY LOVE!!! I'M SO SORRY I GOT TO THIS A LITTLE LATE </33 IT'S OKAY IF YOUR IRLS SOMEHOW SEE THIS I'LL BARK AT THEM (i love u live u love 😭😭 that made me laugh)

you were definitely floating in my mind my love!! omg i cannot tell you enough how much i always look forward to hearing about your days <33 7:30-11:30 AND 1-5:30 sounds like such a horrible split omg i'm so sorry 😭😭😭 you're so strong for getting through that i hope your day yesterday at work was also good!! AND THAT YOU ATE MORE!! do not worry i did also eat!! nothing special i don't think my highlight was my dinner last night </3 just eggs and toast bc i'm obsessed and also i think i had a matcha!! and then didn't sleep until 3am and then woke up at 8 rip </3

BUT YES we are so connected like the way we're scheduled to work on the same days??? we're soulmates 😌 i hope you've been having a lovely day!! <3

[fluffytriceratops]

𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 - 𝐚. 𝐦𝐢𝐲𝐚 [chapter one]

chapter one: "𝚖𝚛𝚜 𝚔𝚠𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚢 𝚜𝚞𝚐𝚊𝚛 𝚍𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚢."

notes: i'm not in uni so i don't know what i'm talking about most of the time huehue

chapter two: "bootymeat."

««•◦ ✪ ◦•»»

Friday, 2:28 pm.

y/n

guess who failed her mid terms??

*le cry*  

bokubro

wtf tell me you're joking-

tsukitsuki

i can't say i'm surprised

kendoll

we knew it was going to happen eventually

no one should be surprised at this point

tetsu

wth?! even after all my tutoring??

y/n

well fuck you guys too-

thanks for the support, dickheads

bokubro

hey!! what about me?? 😭😭

y/n

not you bo, you're such a bean i luv you 🥰  

bokubro

AHH I LUVE YOU TOOO SDJdfj 🥰🥰🥰

kendoll

you guys disgust me

tsukitsuki

i dont have the patience for this

y/n

eat shit

queen keiji

aren't we forgetting something? are we just going to let her off the hook that easily?

tetsu

HOW DID YOU FAIL YOUR MIDTERMS

tsukitsuki

cuz she's an idiot

y/n

shut up string bean!

and technically i only failed one class-

but i just barley passed in most of the other's so..

👁👄👁👌✨

queen keiji

but i thought kuroo was helping you study?

bokubro

yeah! and you sounded so sure of yourself earlier

tetsu

don't blame this on me, she did this to herself

you guys sit with her for hours on end trying to get her to focus. it aint an easy task.

y/n

he was- i'm not even going to try to lie, he's right 🥲

kendoll

like i said, stupid

y/n

kenma i swear--- i will destroy your village in minecraft dont test me

👺👺👺

kendoll

not my fault you have half a brain cell

tsukitsuki

didn't you help build that village?

y/n

fuck you guys

i'm going out to eat sushi & boba and i'm not bringing any of you 🖕

bokubro

heyy!!!

WHAT ABOUT ME

queen keiji

excuse me??

tetsu

RUDEEEE

y/n

BESIDES YOU THREE ofc 💕

tetsu aren't you in class rn? and bo do you not have practice soon??

tetsu

yeah but we're just reviewing stuff from monday

plus it'll be over soon

bokubro

shit i nearly forgot

wait for ME???

pPLEASE?

kendoll

i want boba

tsukitsuki

i want sushi

y/n

well too fucking bad you guys can eat shit

soggy anus's

tsukitsuki

do you not have class in half an hour?

kendoll

soggy anus's? the fuck y/n

y/n

i can eat fast

bokubro

NOOO WAIT FOR ME

PLESSEAE

testu

WAIT FOR ME TOOO

queen keiji

i would also like you to wait for me

y/n

UGHHGHGH

FINEEE

but no kenma or tsukishima, they can suck my toes

tsukitsuki

that's fucking disgusting

is that some weird kink of yours?

kendoll

i change my mind

i don't want to go out with you anyway

bokubro

wait actually?

y/n are you into that stuff?

kendoll

i wouldn't put it past her, she's probably into all kinds of weird shit

y/n

EWW NO

SHUT UP YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT

tsukitsuki

how am i supposed to know what you meant?

i think what you want is pretty clear, nasty hoe

queen keiji

if you guys don't stop pissing her off none of us are going to be able to go

tsukitsuki

idc i'll go out with kozume

kendoll

i'd be up for that

bokubro

WAIT I WANNA COME TOO

y/n

THATs IT I"M GOING TO GET FOOD NOW PISS OFF FUCKERS

BO YOU FKCING TRAITOR

queen keiji

what did i say

tsukitsuki

idc either way

kendoll

i hope you choke

bokubro

NO WAIT Y/N IM SORRYRY

tetsu

wait y/n my class is over in like 2 minutes

let me come with!!  

y/n

KISS MY ASS

except for kaashi and tetsu💕

and ye- i'll wait for you i'm outside of my english classroom

kendoll

ew no

i knew you were into some nasty shit

bokubro

Y/N NOO

I"M SOWWRY

I DIDNT MEAN ITTTT

tetsu

alright, i'm leaving now!

y/n

thats your punishment for betraying me

now you know how it feels

keiji are you able to come now too?

kendoll

don't worry bo, you can come with us

tsukitsuki

exactly you don't want to hang out with her anyway

we're better

y/n

fuck you!

bo don't go! if you don't go i'll come pick you up after practice with food! anything you want, my treat!

queen keiji

i can't rn, i am also in class but if you're going to bring bokuto food, can you bring me some too please?

bokubro

does this mean you're not mad at me anymore ?

kendoll

dont fall for it bokuto!

tsukitsuki

yeah, come with us

y/n

bo i could never be mad at you!!! i love you so much~! 🥰🥰🥰

and sure, i'll get you something too keiji ^^  

queen keiji

alright, thank you 🙂

bokubro

I LOVE YOU TOOO DFSJDF 🥰🥰🥰 get me something with LOTS of meat please!!

y/n

okie! keiji do you have a preference on what you want?

tetsu

okay im back im with y/n now

kendoll

you don't have to tell us that

tetsu

i wanted to 😎

tsukitsuki

that emoji doesn't even make sense

tetsu

yes it does!

queen keiji

not really. you know what i like i trust you.

bokubro

ahh i gotta go now! ill see you later y/n!!

y/n

alrighty! see you soonish bo!!

tetsu

bye bo!

queen keiji

have fun at practise

bokubro

byeee! and thanks akaashi, I will 😊

y/n aight losers we're off i shall see you at home

tsukitsuki

or you could move out

y/n

shut up prick you're gonna see my hobo ass whether you want to or not

kendoll

we'd rather not

Friday, 3:56 pm.

y/n

mrs kwan is my sugar daddy

tsukitsuki

what the fuck

kendoll

as in the babysitter from cat in the hat?

tetsu

i just cackled so loudly- everyone is starring as me

y/n

yeah that's her 🥰

queen keiji

i don't know how to feel about this

kendoll

idk if i should be concerned or not

tsukitsuki

there is something mentally wrong with you

tetsu

im all for it, id smash

tsukitsuki

any sliver of respect i had for you is gone

y/n

ikr? she's such a hottie 😏🥵 tsuki doesn't know what he's missing

tetsu

clearly 🥵

tsukitsuki

that's it im changing the locks when i get home

kendoll

I'll help you

queen keiji

y/n aren't you in class rn? pay attention

y/n

okay okay!

...

would you smash kaashi?

tetsu

we need a tie breaker

queen keiji

...

yeah, sure

tsukitsuki

ive never been more disappointed

kendoll

agreed

gru is better

tsukitsuki

i hate you all

Friday, 6:18 pm.

bokubro

what'd i miss? 😂 dunno who she is imma look her up—

ohhh! yeah id smash 👁👄👁🤌✨

[waitinguntilnovember]

a non-romanticized day in the life of a jobless artist/writer high school student

12pm: around this time, I was able to wake up. I have very bad insomnia, which does not mix well with going to school at 8am, but thankfully yesterday was a Saturday, so I could sleep in.

12:30-1pm: I made myself a coffee with almond milk and plant-based creamer and no breakfast because I find it very hard to eat when I wake up. Because all of my mugs ran out (thanks, mom, for stealing my favorite one) I had to use a short glass cup. I have an easily sick stomach and I'm lactose intolerant but honestly, I still have cookies and milk at 3am when I'm writing. Screw my nausea.

1-7pm: I spend my daylight rotting in bed, doing god knows what. One minute I'm watching a nice cozy art vlog looking for inspiration and the next I'm upstairs making cereal as my only meal of the day and then going back into my cave. There will be short 5-minute intervals between where I'll take snacks or socialize with my family, but I always make it back to my room, stuck to my laptop. I might sneak in a quick one-line poem I thought of and frantically look for a pencil to write it in my notebook. I might think of a random idea for a book or painting. These hours are spent doing absolutely nothing but simultaneously everything at the same time.

7-11pm: painting is my #1 healthy outlet besides writing. I try to paint almost every free day I have to calm myself down when things get rough mentally. Yesterday, I painted a branch with flowers on a small canvas. It wasn't much, but I like it anyway. With insomnia, it's like everything is obscured or blurry, so having these things to keep me on track is very nice.

11pm-around 5:30ish am: at later hours, I write. I spent as much time as I possibly could writing. I find my mind is much more active, or creative, in this time period. Most of the time when I say I'm going to write, I end up editing and revising previous paragraphs. It's a habit I need to work on. What I'm working on right now is a short novel that is told through therapy sessions, where the main character is spiraling slowly with each chapter and has a very warped view of life. A lot of the experiences the main character has come from my own. I'm figuring out a few rough details but I have the plot completed as well as the precise timeline and writing technique I'm going for. If I do end up publishing this, I don't want to put spoilers on Tumblr, so don't expect much out of me relating to this subject.

About 6am: I finally start to feel tired after staring at my ceiling for about 20 or 30 minutes. It takes a bit longer to actually fall asleep after this.

Today, at around 12pm again: I woke up and did the same 12-1pm routine. After, I spent about 30 minutes rereading and only slightly editing my writing from the night before.

.・。.・゜✭・.

Everybody goes through hard points in their life where romanticizing can't make it better. Right now, I'm struggling a lot with my personal health and it's affecting my life and making my mental health so much worse. The passing of midterms this last week has been a great help with my gentle recovery this weekend, as I've finally been able to rest, but I still find even in my relaxed, comfortable state I manage to be stressed out.

And that's able to be dealt with.

I know that most people crumbled under their own pressure like I am with mine, and they made it out. I believe once the season changes and the school depression passes along, I can have my healthier version of this lifestyle back. I will be able to eat meals during the day and go out with my friends without coming home drained. But, unfortunately, all of this takes time.

Do not expect your change to come the moment you set your mind to it.

It's a gradual change. In your sleeping schedule, your moods, your eating habits, everything-- it can't be achieved in one day. If you want to see results, you will have to work and wait for them.

I know there will be moments when it gets even harder, and you feel like you almost need to be sad to feel something, but please trust me when I say that is not the answer. You can experience something other than that zombie-like blankness you feel every day.

Please realize it takes time to feel it, though. And do not give that up if you think it won't work.

.・。.・゜✭・.

Remember that my inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to. I'm a stranger over the internet, I'm faceless, I will tell nobody, not a soul. I promise you that you will always have someone to talk to after seeing this post. Do not think otherwise ever again.

[authorkrysejay]

Indie Author Update #46

The dreaded midterm season has arrived. Thankfully I only have two and one of them I winged, but I know I passed it. My second one is the one I'm worried most about. I know I'll do okay, but writing an essay on the fly is not something I'm used to doing anymore. There are also some terms and a timeline for events I have yet to memorize. At least I have a week to do it.

This upcoming week is my 'reading week', so I'm hoping to jump into book 3 draft 4. I think I'm going to go through it and make small tweaks but make notes of greater things to change, so when I have more time to direct all of my energy into it, I'll have a rough list of what I have to dismantle or keep.

My brain is still pretty much mush but I did manage to write up a timeline for the evolution of the Hiraeth Song series world. I always knew vaguely how the world shifted from pure elementals to being trapped in mortal forms, but it was nice to finally writing it out.

I also was inspired by the movie Twisters, that came out a few months ago. It spurred my mind into creating Vexan storm chasers i.e those who venture out during the violent lightning storms to harvest the raw energy bolts. Since I haven't been able to work on the actual book, at the very least I've expanding the lore of the kingdoms outside of what is essential to know.

I've been thinking about releasing a second edition of book one and two, to make better, more eye catching covers, as well as rewriting the blurbs to be more appealing. I've found some minor edits to do, with mistaking words for ones that sound the same. But that will all be done sometime next year.

[yoonyia]

I feel so bad for dying over an 84

like it's not a horrible grade

it's a B by korean grading standards

which

uhhh

it could be worse

and its not like my science grades matter for the school I want to get into

and its my first ever school exam ever

nevermind it being in korean which I have horrible reading compherehension in (found this fact out far too late, realized it took me like 4 times the speed to read a korean book then others and I sucked and readings things correctly because I get the words fucked up AND ALSO I LACK SO MUCH VOCAB CAUSE I NEVER READ KOREAN BOOKS BECAUSE I WAS TOO SLOW AND NOW I READ TEST QUESTIONS WRONG)

I am not illiterate but man sometimes I think maybe I am cause how can I not realize what that was saying

I read a word called 분비관 which basically means "secretion tube" or something and it was a question on how hormones travel

and this stupid bitch assumed it was a synonym for blood vessels because I can't recall korean words very well so I just assumed blood vessels were called that in this context and I just missed it

IT WASENT THAT

I got 4 out of 26 questions wrong

it isn't even that bad

and its not like I studied that hard

I put the least amount of time into science

but that dosent mean I didn't try

I put in as much effort I thought was necessary to get 100%

but I forgot that part of test taking (or I guess I never knew because I never did tests before) is not just your knowledge of the subject but also your ability to understand questions and know what they're asking for

I cant read properly so I'm fucked

but still it's such a privileged asshole thing to say "I only got 84" and screaming and laughing in dispair when others are proud of their 78

it feels bad

I'm sorry

I have korean tomorrow and I have to get 100 or 90+ for it

I might very much die

and for math I'm just hoping I get 80+

I haven't done korean level math in 3 years I don't have a chance at getting 100 at all

myp math is so easy comparatively never go from one to the other you will lose all your math skills

I was litterally in this top percentile class in 6th grade and it was a 2 year study ahead class and I consistently was like 3rd~4th place out of the 11 people in that class

so like I don't think im too dumb for math

I just haven't done it in so long I lost all my foundations

nevermind having missed 2 years of concepts

which is a shame cause math does kinda matter for the school I want to go to

not to get in but to divide the rankings once you get in

I mean I guess that's the problem

you gotta get in first

I got 100 percent on my English so I just need to pass my finals 100 too and I'll be done

all i gotta do now is get really good korean and social studies grades

we don't a have a social studies test for the midterms

so this test now is just all korean

I really want to do well

I want to do exceptionally and wow everyone

but my dad told me sadly I'm no genius

and that with my lack of ambition and inherent careless nature (not as in lack of carefulness but the lack of value to the thing at hand) makes me not be able to do either my best or my most, so at the end of the day I probably won't wow anyone

not unless I drop their expectations of me to the floor

but most teachers can apprently smell clever so he told me not to do that

but from my experience if you just be super consistent with your lie no one bats an eye

there was this one korean class I purposefully acted like an idiot who didn't know anything in

and one time I wrote something that was my usual quality and the teacher thought I plagiarized it and I nearly died

people really don't know anything about you if you don't give them stuff to know about

[catnherthoughts]

not doing too well 3/6/23

how wonderful my life is. i get to go through all of this all on my own. i don't think i've ever felt this alone before. yes, i can talk to my friends about my issues but at the end of the day they don't care that much. they can't care enough to fix it. it's whatever, we ball i guess. he walks around and goes about his days. i bet he doesn't even think about me. wow. he just used me for sex. he could have just said that. why lie to me? why manipulate me? i don't think you're a good person anymore. i'm not sure i want to be a woman in business anymore. i'm not sure if i want to be a woman in this world anymore. i don't feel the overwhelming urge to keep living. what is the point? we have no clue tbh. no one knows. i don't feel like there is a point in me being here. then again, if i was meant to kms then one of my 8 suicide attempts would have worked. maybe 9th time is a charm. i am simply so sick of being alive. i do not want to do this any longer and i've been saying this for yearsssss now. just because i'm not ruining my life, im passively going through life day by day, i somehow got into college and am sitting in my macroeconomics course with a 3.3 gpa. i haven't done anything wonderful to continue living, i've just been passing by. i say to myself "lets just get through today and then you can sleep" or "just get through this week and then we can have fun this weekend". whatever. i always find myself becoming a bit nihlistic when i feel suicidal. "it doesn't matter" i chant. because it really doesn't. if someone who doesn't really want to live can get this far then does it really matter. i feel like shit, probably look like shit, and I just want to sleep forever. yet, i have midterms to study for. maybe if i fail my midterms i'll kill myself. oooo. yum. maybe i've jsut been letting life slip past me. i've been staying up really late and waking up mid day. weeks go by so quickly. i wonder who i even am anymore. also i'm sick! coping by kissing frat men is not the way to go. i hope they're not counting on me to be larger than live. live is already large enough to exist in. i hope they don't see me as a person who has it all. the perfect woman. take my spot. take my soul. i am disposable to those who know my all. im shaking. maybe its the coffee? who knows. im a cluster of energy walking through the world. maybe the angel prophecy of cat***** ******** created by someone who once loved me is true. she also left. this is a cruel worldd. the punishment i recieve has to be deserved. if im alive to be beaten down then im ready for the final punch. maybe i can be loved in death. my mom loves me? does that count for something. jesus that woman doesn't even know me. im shaking so much. why did i drink coffee? i wanted to be cool and have energy and be the one ppl envy w my dunkin cup. now my tummy hurts. man. i wonder what my therapist will say today. this is kind of a life or death meeting. maybe she'll give me some words of wisdom that will make me think this life is worth living. its either that or i die. i don't really like passing through life. yk being alive its not too fun. i don't like having to do schoolwork. although i kinda like this class. i should've come to this more often. being up before noon is so odd. its 10 am and im fully awake and i'm living. so many different people exist. i don't think a single one of them can love me. i look so bad today. i dont give sexy like usual, im giving depression. i wonder if when he saw me yesterday he knew i was down. i wonder what to do. how do people go on? these scars of this man might always be on me. that's sad. i feel nauseous. I wish i was a better person. maybe then i wouldn't be so sad. if i was like this girl who is sitting in front of me, with an assignment tracker.someone who goes to all of their classes. she also looks pretty. maybe wasting away my life by sleeping until 3 pm is not the best thing. i hope they're not counting on me. god i really hope they're not counting on me.i can barely do this for myself let alone live up to whatever ideals people have.

Tumblr dot com has it out for me i think. what if i wanted to have a fat blob of text? huh? anyways im currently in my class about close relationships along the lifespan and im talking to my roomie about how we've been in a mutual depressive episode. i miss being loved. i had a dream about her and it felt so nice. to kiss. to cuddle. i wonder if i had love if i'd crave it as much as i do in it's absence. the insane hyper fixation i have on it. i could fall in love with many people. its not like im not desired. is it sad that i wonder what he would do if i died. if the worst is true about this relationship, maybe he'll be like lol damn that crazy got the limited edition wap. im sorry. coping. i think i dragged my roomie into my spiral. sorry girlypop. i don't think this is being taken seriously. like yeah my friends know im suicidal but i don;t think they know how serious i am. taylor pyka i don't have a plan to kill myself don't send me away. i miss the gym. i should go to the gym today. is it too much to ask for a boyfriend? maybe. somehow i got reminded of hoodies and went to look for an old text from him. "are you trying to steal my sweaters miss :)". what happened. where did his love for me go? maybe i was just there to pass the time. there is a guy with a very interesting beanie on. he seems like a good man. who knows maybe he also manipulates women? i should not be mean to this random man. he looked back over. who is this man? whatever he doesn't exist. i don't like how im awake. vomiting vomiting vomiting. thinking about how he pushed my hand away that one time. why does he exist. how does he affect my karmic cycle. i miss texting him. he was such a cutie. now he doesn't exist. you will never find the same person twice, not even in the same person. i wonder if anyone has ever had a crush on me. i can't imagine someone thinking of me in a way like this.

those were my thoughts before i went to therapy slay for 3/6

[toloveawarlord]

♥ Pairing: Hajime Kokonoi x Taiju little sister Reader

♥ Event: Kinktober

♥ Day 15: Caught Masturbating

♥ Warnings: Smut; masturbating; vibrator;

♥ wc: 1.8k

At first, he found you quite annoying. Simply an added job that he was required to attend to.

You were cute, naive, sweet. All the things that made you an easy target. The one thing that kept you wrapped up in your bubble was the blanket of protection you had from your big brother, Taiju. No one would risk fucking with you.

It was Kokonoi's turn to babysit. You were Taiju's beloved little sister. His angel. The only one who didn't misbehave. Thus, Taiju gave you everything you could ever wish for. And Kokonoi was well aware of how spoiled you were, since he knew where every penny of Black Dragon money went. 

He paused at your door, having come to ask what you wanted for dinner. However, the buzzing from the other side paired with your voice making sweet sounds alerted him to why you'd holed up in your room. 

You were supposed to be studying for midterms in your first year of college.

Kokonoi listened quietly, his pants growing tighter with every passing second. You knew he was in the house.  

You were practically begging him to come in. 

He rapped on the door loudly. “You hungry?” Kokonoi chuckled softly at how quickly the vibrator was shut off. He waited only a second before opening the door. 

You scrambled up off your bed, hiding it behind your back while attempting to tame your hair from rubbing against the pillow. “Oh, hi.” 

Hi? He drank in your sheepish expression, bottom lip pulled into your mouth. You were barely dressed, only a loose sweater barely covering anything. The slickness between your thighs was visible as it slid down your plush skin.

Kokonoi decided to play dumb. It would be entertaining to see what excuse you came up with. "What were you doing in here? I could hear some kind of buzzing."

"I was..." Your grip on the vibrator behind your back tightened and you shifted from one foot to the other. The hope that your excuse would be accepted, and he'd simply leave was clear on your features. "I was using a massager because I was sore from running this morning."

You had never gone for a run.

Ever.

"I see." He refrained from outing your lie. You must think he was stupid. It wouldn't be too hard to use this against you. His footsteps were the only sound in the room when he approached. Kokonoi held out his gloved hand. "I'm meant to be taking care of you, so I'll help you out. It's better when you can just relax."

Your heart pounded in your chest, eyes darting around to find anything other than him to look at. You'd known Kokonoi for years, basically watched him grow hotter each year. The streaks of white in his jet-black hair was the latest change, and it suited him so damn well. "That's really not necessary. I'm sure you have other things to do."

"My entire job today is you."

His smile nearly turned you into a puddle.

With little choice, you slowly brought out the "massager" from behind your back and gave it to him. The lengths you were going to in order to convince yourself that he didn't know what it truly was...

Fuck, it still had some of your juices on it.

"Get comfy and I'll start." Kokonoi watched you with an amused grin as you moved awkwardly to the bed. When you sat, the sweater rode up to give a peak of your brightly colored panties. Dirty thoughts swirled in his head.

You naked underneath him.

You bent over the mattress with that pretty little ass up in the air.

You taking his cock between those kissable lips.

"Koko?" You called, nervousness radiating from your body. His lustful gaze made you shiver beneath it. No one had ever looked at you as he did. Perhaps it was because of your oldest brother. The room had become incredibly hot.

Even the way you called his name made his cock harden.

But first, he had to teach you a lesson for lying. Kokonoi sank to one knee, hand gliding over your soft knee. "You have to open your legs for me." His words had the desired effect, making you inhale sharply and look away. God, you were so innocent. "Only to properly reach your thighs."

"Right," you said, swallowing down the lump in your throat. His hand guided your legs apart, giving a little push until they were properly open. You could only hope that your panties were wet from your earlier activity.

But they definitely were.

Kokonoi wanted to bury his face there, to smell your scent and taste you on his tongue. He absently wondered what sort of sounds you would make for him. Clicking the vibrator on, he ran the nub across your skin lightly.

Your breath caught in your throat. He hadn't reached near your pussy, but it throbbed all the same, feeling a bit of the vibration traveling up. You bit down on your lip, eyes locked on his every movement.

"You gotta relax, doll. You're so tense. This is supposed to relax you." In theory, anyway. He was working diligently toward his true goal. Dragging the vibrator up your inner thigh, brushing ever so slightly against your cunt, all to see you jerk in response.

If you would only see how much wetter you'd become from the teasing...

It was absolute torture for you. You couldn't bring yourself to say anything when he purposefully pressed it against your core, gliding it away quickly as if it was an accident. As if he wasn't attempting to turn you on. "Okay, I think that's enough-"

You were so dumb. He'd grown tired of waiting. Kokonoi pressed the vibrator fully against your clothes pussy, smirking as you cried out his name loudly. "Jesus, do you really think I'm that stupid?"

The sudden pressure and vibration felt so good. Way better than when you'd been trying to get yourself off. But this wasn't what you'd intended! "Mngh- Koko wait!"

"I'm well versed in sex toys, sweetheart. This thing is a shitty one, but it'll do." He was more than willing to buy you a better quality one, especially if he was the one who got to use it on you. Kokonoi chuckled at your surprised face. "I could hear you moaning through the door. Might want to lower your voice when Taiju is home."

He heard you? Mortification flooded your body, mixing in with the desperate need for an orgasm. Your hands tried to push him and the vibrator away, but Kokonoi simply wrapped his free hand around your wrists. "This is... I shouldn't-"

His gaze rose to find your glossy eyes on him. "Do you want me to make you cum?" He removed the vibrator slightly, barely touching your pussy lips through the material.

Yes.

The word left your lips without any thought. You needed to cum. Having Kokonoi right in front of you, looking as sexy as he did, asking to make you cum? It was a wonder you didn't from that alone.

"Good girls ask nicely."

He liked how easily you submitted.

"Please, Koko, make me cum-" Filthy words like that have never left your mouth. You'd never had a boyfriend, never been alone with a man that wasn't a part of the Black Dragons. None of them would ever touch Taiju's precious little sister. All your sexual experience came from self-exploration and porn.

"Then strip. I want to see you completely naked before I play with your pussy." God, he was on a high right now. It had crossed his mind before that you were cute to look at, but he had girls throwing themselves at him for one reason or another, so he wasn't lacking in sex partners.

None of them were like you. Innocent like a flower.

The sweater lifted over your head, revealing that you weren't wearing a bra. Kokonoi had pulled away just enough to allow you to slip off your wet panties and drop them on the floor. What were you meant to do with your hands?

"Don't cover yourself." Kokonoi was sure that he may cum in his own fuckin pants at this rate. Your cute tits raising and falling with each raspy breath. He took only seconds to choose how to do this. "Lean back on your elbows but don't lay down. I want to see every bit of you."

He tugged you to the edge of the bed, resting one of your legs against his shoulder when he leaned down. "No one is here but us. Be sure to moan my name nice and loud for me."

The vibrator buzzed once more, gliding between your folds up to your clit. Your hips bucked at the sudden stimulation, the feeling that you were trying so hard earlier to achieve on your own.

"Already quivering, princess? Gonna cum from just a little vibrator?"

" Oh god- yeah 'm gonna-” In Kokonoi's hands, it was a billion times better than when alone. Finally. You'd been struggling to get yourself off and the wait had only made this release so much fucking better.

Kokonoi worked the vibrator over your clit, watching you spiral out of control when you orgasmed. Your cute face flushed with pleasure, lips parted and sinful mewls spilling out. You were going to be his favorite new plaything.

Because he knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming back to him for more.

You flopped back against the mattress, your body buzzing with pleasure even after the vibrator was turned off. Being so vulnerable, utterly naked while Kokonoi hadn't shed a single piece of clothing made your cheeks flood with heat.

Suddenly, he was hovering over top of you, hands wandering across your skin, squeezing your breasts with practiced movements. "It's adorable that that was all it took to make you cum. Have you ever been fucked?"

The question caught you off guard. His pretty face inches from yours as if he might kiss you gently. You struggled to answer, voice lost for a moment. "Taiju would kill you." He'd kill him if he ever found out about this time.

"Never said I was offering, sweetheart." Your reactions were so fucking cute, eyes widening with realization of what you'd said. He chuckled, hand slipping back between your legs to tease you more. "Although, it's adorable that you want me to. One orgasm and you're begging for my cock, huh?"

Shouting from the entrance ended his playtime. Kokonoi wasn't about to take a beating from his boss. It would ruin all his fun with you in the future. You were begging him to kiss you, to fuck you.

"Well, I've done what you asked, and it seems the boss is in good spirits so we shouldn't ruin that." Kokonoi headed for the door, hearing you scramble for your clothes. He paused before opening it. "Pick out a new vibrator and I'll buy it for you. Don't worry about the price."

You were left alone, clinging to the sweater against your chest. He'd unlocked your curiosity to explore the sexual world.

One orgasm and you're begging for my cock?

His words lingered, going straight down to your pussy. No one else had ever spoken to you like that. Kokonoi's voice would plague your wet dreams for nights to come. You would have to ask your big brother to let him "watch" you more often.

No amount of masturbation could bring you close to the ecstasy that Kokonoi had given you.

[6okuto]

— comforting you during exam season

characters: akaashi, atsumu, suna warnings: stress/anxiety/etc (Exam Things), swearing, rin calls you pretty note: i forgot i wrote this months ago but midterms are here Again and i have nothing else to post so guess i'll pass away o(-(

akaashi knocks quietly on your door before peeking his head in, frowning as he spots your head laying on your notes splayed across the desk. you hear the door close and his feet padding towards you, the plastic bag in his hand the loudest thing in the room.

he bends down and lays his hand on your back, his voice is gentler than usual, "hi, love. can you look up please? you'll hurt your neck like that."

you pick your head up and meet his eyes, squinting a little from the light. mustering a smile you greet him, "hi, keiji, what are you doing here?" he doesn't respond and all you can do is stare as he begins piling your work and pushing it to the side, dropping your pens and highlighters into their respective places. "keiji?"

"i brought your favourite snacks and some takeout so we could eat together."

"you really didn't have to—"

"and i brought my hoodie and plushie that you like so you can have them while i'm gone." he doesn't let you speak, knowing what you were going to say next. akaashi takes out the plush wearing his hoodie—you'd coo if you weren't so tired—and passes it to you, "have you had water today? did you sleep?"

the few beats of silence were all he needed, really. but your mouth turns into an awkward sort of grimace knowing you were caught, "well, i mean, sort of?"

"love." the worry in his voice isn't hard to miss. you look down and hug the plushie, the most you can do is mutter, "i'm sorry."

keiji puts a hand to your cheek and brings you to look at him again, "you have nothing to apologize for." his eyes flicker towards your desk before he goes back to smiling softly at you, "can you take a break and eat with me? i'll help you study afterwards if you do."

"really?"

"mhm, i promise."

looking over helplessly at the notes already pushed aside you take a deep breath, "okay."

he smiles again and starts taking food out of the bag, stopping when you get up, placing his plushie on the chair, and look at him. he's about to ask what's wrong when you wrap your arms around him, nuzzling your face into his neck.

"thank you, keiji. i don't know what i'd do without you."

"not have your favourite takeout right now, probably," he teases. all he does is laugh when you lightly hit him on the shoulder.

"it's no problem. never is"—he pulls away to kiss you on the forehead then brings your head to his chest—"not when it's for you."

—

"what do you think you're doing?" atsumu had finished practice and decided to come over, hoping you'd be able to cuddle while he complained about what happened (osamu threw the ball at his face and could not apologize without bursting into laughter, can you believe it?)

instead, he walks in without you noticing, your headphones on and pen frantically moving as you inkshed, trying to recall everything you just went over in the past hour. he comes up from behind and looks over your shoulder. you finally notice him and move a headphone so you can hear, "what?"

"wow, not even a hi? i said what are ya doing?"

"hi tsumu," you say, with an edge to your voice, atsumu notes. "i'm rewriting the iliad, obviously. i'm making achilles kiss patroclus before he leaves to fight, i think it's my best work yet." atsumu raises an eyebrow at the amount of sarcasm, which doesn't go unnoticed by you either.

leaning back on your chair, you sigh, "i'm sorry. i'm just trying to cram right now."

"didn't ya say you were studying like, 3 hours ago? before i went to practice?"

"yeah. as you can see," you gesture vaguely at the mess of papers and highlighters scattered around, "it hasn't been working out, so."

"well, can you take a break then?"

"tsumu i am fucked for this exam if i don't study—"

"you'll be fucked if ya don't take a break soon. and i'll be bored and sad because my very incredible and capable partner is gonna ignore me while i'm here so who's the real loser?"

"still me?"

"both of us, angel," you almost laugh at how he squints and pouts.

"i'm serious, babe. i'm not gonna sit here and watch you burn out," he says plainly, crossing his arms. your chest tightens a little—if atsumu of all people is being serious, it's for good reason.

"now i'm gonna pull yer little rolly chair and roll it away from the desk"—he grabs it and starts walking backwards—"and to the bed with me so we can take a nap."

"atsumu—"

"nu-uh i'm not listening. you have no choice. come on," he grabs your hands, pulling you up and onto the bed before laying down to face you.

"i hate you so much."

he brings the blanket over both of you and hums, "no you don't, liar."

"fine," you decide to give up, your body drained and eyes tired. "thank you."

"mhm, love ya,"—he rests his arm around your hip and his chin above your head—"now sleep."

—

it's 8:43pm and you've been staring at the same study guide note for the past 12 minutes. you're tired and your brain doesn't seem to want to work anymore, you guess. slowly spinning the pencil in your hand, your playlist switches to a new song. but your phone rings with a different one—a familiar one.

you don't need to read the name on the screen before answering, "rin? what's up?"

"you tell me. i can see you listening to your saddest playlist on spotify." switching tabs, you realize you forgot to turn on a private session. fuck—

"i don't know what you're talking about," you say as you switch songs.

"babe, did you seriously just go to a different playlist?"

"no." the seconds of silence from the other side are almost painful and you can imagine rin staring deadpan at you.

"fine. i did. but nothing's wrong it's just—it's exam season, y'know? coping."

rin isn't stupid and both of you know that. he frowns, though you can't see it, "sure. coping. now what food do you want?"

"what?"

you hear him shuffling in the background, the sound of a hoodie zipper and walking down stairs. "i'm going to the convenience store then coming over. what snacks do you want? or should i just get the regular stuff?"

"rin—"

"nope, you can't stop me. i'm coming over and i'm not letting you overwork or overthink or whatever else, okay? now what do you want to eat?"

he did this the last time you had exams, too. one minute you were texting him about being too tired at the library, and the next he had come up behind you. he pressed a kiss to your head and whispered, "let's get you out of here for a while." despite his constant teasing and sarcastic remarks, he cared. rintarou cared so, so much.

"hellooo? you know even if you go silent i'm still coming, right?" you let out a small breath, what's supposed to be a laugh.

"the usual, please," you close your notebook and yawn, "thank you, rin."

"anytime, pretty."

[archived-and-moving]

Reading textbook chapters can be so ugh dude (is in the middle of reading stuff for his and had to stop in the middle. whoopsies.) However I've been trying to like. plank or do push-ups for one paragraph then rest while reading. Idk why but it's like as soon as I sit down to read informational text my brain is like alrighty boys deploy as much energy as you can. Make him want to run a 5k. But this works pretty well! (except for the fact that I Cannot plank very long. started out on every two paragraphs then off one but my arms got tired.) but i feel like those dude bros in the movies, working out and getting smort.

Ada;lkj bestie congrats on your last semester, that's such an awesome thing to be able to celebrate!! And also tacking onto that. How could you not brag about six associates degrees. That's incredible! I'm having trouble arranging my core classes around two. Six is awesome!!! Literally so excited for you to graduate w/ seven whole degrees in your hand.

And oh yeah yeah yeah Ori and the Blind Forest!! Saw those giftsets you rbed and sent a couple to a good friend of mind who's obsessed w/ those kinds of indie games. She'd already played it, but she Highly recommended it to me, so it's actually on my list of games to play. And ough Omori!! I haven't heard too much about it, but I really like it's art style and score! Super spooky!

I'm glad you're doing alright, all things considered!

I myself and doing pretty good as well. Our school for some reason makes us go on break and THEN has midterms a week later, so I finished up some mid-terms/finals last week and am starting some new classes this semester. Taking speech to get it out of the way so that I (hopefully) won't have to take it in college. But oh man is my teacher an interesting one. The way she formats her class it's easy to pass, but we quite literally have a quiz! Every day! Until late february!

Just finishing up some homework for that and another class. (Trying to get ahead since she posts the videos we listen to ahead of time, but it is terribly disinterested so that's incredible. /s) Other than that though doing good myself. Sport is starting up again soon, and I'm overall enjoying life.

Hmm artistic endeavors. I've been doodling a lot. I haven't really done much digital stuff since I haven't been able to get into the mood, did do a finitar drawing in pen which. Disappointed and proud of myself at the same time. I'm also planning a kotlc pride month and Other Weeks that I really hope to create something for. But yeah! Lots and lots and lots of doodles.

Thenn writing side I haven't done too much either. Wanted to write something tonight but idk if I'll have time since I have to finish up studying, take a shower and do other house hold stuff. But I've been researching stuff for a fic that is like. My special interest. I LOVE researching about a very specific topic that I will not disclose for...mysterious author reasons.

Though now that you've been talking about games, my mind wandered to Stray, which is probably one of my favorite games I've played. I'd say I'm probably around a third or fourth of the way through, and it's just. incredible. I love dystopian worlds and incredible art, but I also like balancing the stress fight scenes with exploring stuff. Which this game does really well in my opinion. (also. you are a kitty. which I think makes it 17 times better.)

But yeah overall!!! P good! Stressed but like that classic kitten poster, I'm hanging in there.

hiiii quil i was JUST thinking bout you then BOOM you're on my dash. how's your day bestie. how is Life.

hiiii Tobi *twirls hair* *twirls hair* *twirls--

Very sweet of you to ask, I have been doing alright. Had to read three textbook chapters in two days to do an assignment (each chapter takes about an hour) which was OUGH but I did it. And it's a subject I'm interested in so it's okay I forgive the professor. Also got another material sorted (had a bit of a Situation with an access code for a thing, but it's good now)

Basically life has been me getting into the swing of the semester. Final semester! I graduate in April, so that's pretty cool! Doing things a little out of order though because I already have six associates degrees (2 year college degrees) and will just be tacking a high school diploma on the end, but I think that's very impressive of me so I may brag a little bit.

Also been playing some lovely video games lately. Finished Ori and the Blind Forest and am now going for the completionist things and getting all the life/energy cells and such. And started Omori, but haven't gotten very far yet. Adoring it so far though!

I am doing alright, is the summary! How is your day and your Life, Tobi? Read anything good recently? Done any fun artistic things? Drank water? I hope your life is being kind to you :)

[farfrompleasant]

Hey fwen, happy Freyja Friday!

How's it going with my god-beardie? It's been a minute! Is miss thing continuing her no shed streak? What are we eating lately? I read that excessive shedding in adulthood can be related to diet! Which is wild to me, but also, like, how it is with humans, right??

And you? How's school going? Are we looking at any new reptiles lately for the fun of going down the rabbit hole 😊 I regret that I have not been researching any lizards for fun, I should rectify that. My niece did find a snake hole while we were hiking in Utah and she found a piece of shed for me, which I kept.

All's well on our front. Lizzie loves Nova now, and they sleep face to face like lovestruck idiots

The rest of the cast? Brodie and Issa happy campers lately? I missed y'all ❤️

OmgOMG Heyyy fran♡

It's been a while because of school and work but I have good things to say about our Freyby c: Miss Girl is gaining weight! And she hasn't been shedding, so it's been roughly 5-6 weeks with there being no shed... I think you're right; Freyja's been sticking to bugs and worms as of late and I also suspect that she's going through a sort of brumation.

Think of it as hibernation, but for reptiles. She's been less active, sleeping more (and she's already lazy...) Freyja's also eating a lot less, which has me thinking that she'll be like this as it's getting colder.

School's going well c: I just took a few midterms and I felt like I did a good job at retaining enough info to pass. But ugh! I forgot how stressful and baleful the entire process can be, not to mention it was super time consuming.

Have I been looking into other reptiles?! You know me too well 🤭 I've been (superficially) looking at dessert rain frogs, and rygihvkew they're super cute and round 🥹 I want to get one so bad, but I don't like how they burrow in filth so idk how that will work... maybe I'll just admire from afar; I mean I watch videos of them to relieve my stress when I'm away from Freyja-pooh

I don't really have any recommendations for you but I'm sure you'll find something interesting forsures c:

Okay but why are they so cuuuute and poetic at the same time?! Seeing Lizzie and Nova gave me the same satisfaction of reading a book with the enemies to lovers trope 🤣🤣🤣 Nova's gotten so big Fran... she looks as though she's much larger than Miss Lizzie

Issa and Brodie are doing well, I'm hoping to take them out a bit more before it really gets chilly. There's been a light drizzle in these parts, and they get really fussy about the weather while also wanting to go out... I guess that's the only pain other than not having much time to take them out. But they have been enjoying aroma therapy with me, I love love love having scented candles lit when I'm finishing up with school work and they seem to love that too c: I guess that's how we've been bonding as of late lol

I missed you too, very much ❤️

I have an assortment of gifs made especially for you, hope you love these ♡

🥺🥰🥺🥰🥺 F r e y b y G i r l 🥺🥰🥺🥰🥺

[blarrghe]

6 for the meet cute prompts for fenders 👀

Eyy! Fof @dadrunkwriting I think I may be in the wrong timezone but I'm not sure I'll actually have any more time tonight so I hope this counts.

Anyway Fenris and Anders have Organic Chemistry 😏😏😏

--

Fenris is good at things. Lots of them. Anders has noticed, he’s seen him around. He’s on at least two sports teams, and he teaches the martial arts class down at the campus gym. He’s friends with that loud jock, Garrette Hawke, but he’s a relatively quiet jock himself. Anders has never seen him at one of Merrill’s parties, though he has seen Hawke at them, for example. Never seen him at a more jockish party either, for that matter. Not that Anders goes to those, but he does sometimes volunteer with the walk-home service that the Safe Campus student union provides, so he has a good idea of who goes to popular parties. And Fenris doesn’t, because he sometimes volunteers with that service too, and always volunteers to escort students home to the farthest, roughest off-campus neighbourhoods, Anders has noticed.

Fenris is good at academic things too, Anders is pretty sure. They have a lot of classes together, and even if they’ve never spoken, Fenris is hard not to notice. He isn’t as vocal in their poli sci class as Anders is, but he finished writing his midterm before Anders did and smiled quietly to himself when the paper was returned the following week. He has a nice smile, Anders noticed. He scowls sometimes over his problem sets in their Calculus for the Life Sciences class, and his scowl is nice too, Anders has noticed, but on Blackboard his name is solidly in the middle of the class averages list — he’s going to write a scathing review of the prof on Rate My Professor for making that list public, but he does feel a little bit proud of being near the top of it. Anders is Pre-Med, and he never sleeps because of it, but he’s doing well in Biology and Organic Chem and Calculus and Psych 101, even if none of them make him feel quite the same burning passion as Poli Sci, but there’s no way his overwhelming sense of righteous purpose is going to let him switch majors into something unemployable. Maybe he’ll double-major. 

Fenris must be going after a kinesiology or sports medicine degree, he figures, because he’s not competitive or sleep deprived enough to be trying to be a doctor. Anders is sure he isn’t sleep deprived because he’s noticed his eyes, and the way they don’t have dark circles under them, and the fact that he has time to hang out with the likes of Garrett Hawke and teach martial arts. But Fenris is not an idiot, Anders is sure of that. He wouldn’t be here, standing next to Anders in their organic chem lab in a lab coat that matches his hair and goggles that only seem to accentuate the piercingness of his not-dark-circled eyes if he was. So why is he so fucking bad at balancing equations?

Anders frowns, looking over the messy chicken scratch of Fenris’ writing over their shared set of lab problems, and sets to work erasing and re-writing compounds.   

While he does this, Anders notices that Fenris is scowling. Scowling at him, even though if he hadn't just adjusted Fenris' measurements he's pretty sure their whole experiment would have just blown up. Sometimes Anders thinks that blowing up certain parts of the university wouldn't be such a bad idea, but he does really need to pass this class. 

It's a good scowl from afar, but up close and personal like this Fenris' unamused face is decidedly irritating. His eyes are too piercing and his lips are too pursed and the tattoos over the bridge of his straight, statuesque nose and swooping down over the point of his chiseled chin, then trailing away beneath the collar of his sharp white labcoat via a long, straight column of neck are distractingly glowy. It's weird, that he has glowy tattoos, weird that he has stark white hair and shiny emerald eyes and very, very weird that he is staring at Anders with them and scowling. 

"What?" he finally asks, cheeks feeling a little heated with irritation. 

"You’re in my poli sci class," says Fenris unhappily. Anders is in all his classes, actually, but perhaps he hasn't noticed. Anders is quite good at being unnoticeable, it's one of his specialties. 

"Yeah," he affirms, planting a scowl on his own face, flushed cheeks or not, "and?"

"You always argue with Professor Stannard." 

"Oh, yeah," Anders shrugs, "well, you know, she's a bitch." 

"You’re wrong." Fenris says decisively. 

Anders stares at him, he is most assuredly not wrong about that, or about anything he says in her class for that matter. "Meredith Stannard is definitely a bitch," he corrects with a dismissive head shake. 

Fenris seems to consider this seriously though, and his scowl almost seems to soften. There is maybe the faintest hint of a smirk picking up at the corner of it. "Not about that," he agrees. 

"Then about what?" Not chemistry, that's for certain. 

"Everything else." 

"Oh," Anders frowns. He didn't think Garrett Hawke, of all people, kept the company of that kind of jock. "Seriously?" 

Fenris just nods, but Anders is not about to let him get away with that statement so easily. He engages the elf in debate. Perfectly healthy, possibly a little heated, maybe bordering on explosive, debate. 

By the time that the TA comes over to their table with a disappointed scowl of her own, their faces are very close. And Anders', at least, is also very hot. Also his palms are sweating and his heart is somewhere in his throat and his eyes keep flitting down to Fenris' snarling lips. Fenris is disturbingly wrong and frustratingly stubborn and infuriatingly calm and collected, with his shiny tattoos and hair and eyes. No sweat on his brow, no heat in his tone. At this point, Anders is honestly less concerned with making his point and more concerned with getting Fenris riled. Just a little bit, he thinks, it would be right for him to at least get a little bit riled. 

The TA asks if they need new lab partners. 

Sharply, even perhaps a little bit desperately, Fenris shouts "no!" 

Anders clamps his jaw shut and shakes his head no to support it. He really wants to win this argument, after all. But when the TA leaves he can't seem to remember what point he was making. Fenris is blushing. 

"No?" Anders smirks at him. 

"I need to pass this class," Fenris' flush deepens, and his shiny green eyes lower down unhappily to the paper of wrong answers in front of them. 

Anders can't help but grin. "Yeah, you're kind of wrong about everything," he says. 

Fenris crosses his arms, scowls, and blushes some more. "None of it makes sense to me," he admits, "but I need to pass this class." 

The way he says that does something to Anders' gut, something he doesn't like at all. His relentless sense of righteous purpose perks up. "I could help you," he volunteers. 

Fenris raises a suspicious eyebrow, then sighs. "You could?" 

Anders shrugs, and tries to cover up how shallow his breathing has suddenly become with a smirk. "Admit one of my points was right," he challenges. 

"Meredith Stannard is a bitch." Says Fenris. 

Anders laughs, and this time he is sure he sees that scowl crack into a genuine half smile. "Alright, library after class. I'll teach you all the tricks." 

[blindingdutchy]

lamentation | SEVEN

{peter parker x fem!reader AU}

based on All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

SERIES MASTERLIST

word count: 4,000

warnings: fluff. angst. language. not even sure why i warn for angst anymore this whole story is just angsty af

18+!!! minors stay away!

In the following few weeks, you realized two things. One: Peter Parker was definitely not subtle. The other being that you were definitely in way over your head. There was no denying the stupid butterflies in your stomach anymore, or the way you found yourself expecting his touch before it even came.

It seemed as though the two of you were like magnets; a constant tug gravitating the pair of you back to each other with an unstoppable force. If you weren't together, he was on your mind, and like he could sense you thinking of him he'd be quick to reach out in some way or another. Be it appearing at your side, all happy grins and playful eyes, or calling your phone no matter the time with his stupidly adorable stutter--Peter seemed to think of you just as much as you thought of him.

The more that you thought of him, the more that you wished you didn't. It was terrifying. You wished that you could pull away again, to push him back out of your heart and lock those iron bars tight once more, but your heart had grown selfish and stubborn. It was as if you were the one locked out anymore; the control over your feelings slipping further and further from your clutches with every toothy smile Peter sent your way.

Like a magnet, he held you in place. Oh, to be held by... You slapped a pillow over your face and screamed, holding it so tightly that your nose ached and you couldn't breath. Peter Parker was like a disease. A stupid, all-consuming, utterly infatuating disease of the mind and the spirit.

You knew that you were wasting time, undoubtedly causing yourself to risk being late for school with every minute that passed as you continued to lay in your bed, but you couldn't bring yourself to get up. Already, your mother and father both had knocked at your door on multiple occasions and questioned if you were sick, and now you were regretting saying no. It would have been so easy to avoid him if you'd just played hookie.

But, with midterms in the near future, you knew it wasn't the best idea. The realization had come to you in the night. A moment so insignificant, so mundane, but it had been as if a switch were flipped in your mind. A light was turned on, so to speak, and illuminated all the thoughts and emotions you'd been so tirelessly repressing.

Talking on the phone with Peter was like a drug, and talking on the phone to him at night was a dangerous game. Under the dull light of a crescent moon and the ridiculous teddy-bear night light that was plugged into your wall, a lingering remnant of your sister's presence in the space, your inhibitions were always low. With sleepiness your walls were always lowered, and he'd unknowingly put a fatal crack in the foundation.

You rolled onto your stomach on your bed, kicking your feet through the air like a little kid as you fought back the grin that always seemed to worm its way across your lips when you were talking to him. "So, how do you like Ned and MJ?" Peter asked, and you could almost picture him mirroring your position as you heard the quiet rustle of blankets over the line. A little giggle bubbled out of your mouth at the thought.

What a sight that would be, Peter kicking his legs to and fro like a school girl in love. "They're cool. I kinda like that MJ doesn't even pretend to hide the fact that she thinks I'm weird. I don't--I don't know, it's refreshing I guess. Ned's sweet." you rambled, and it was the truth.

Ned and MJ were easily slipping into the fortress that shielded your heart with every passing day. Somehow, it wasn't as terrifying as you'd expected it to be. Perhaps that was because they didn't harbor a secret identity with which they risked their lives every single night, or maybe it was just because you'd come to realize that letting people in wasn't so bad. Not everyone was going to die on you.

Michelle Jones really didn't pretend not to think you were weird, not even a little bit. Her blunt and honest nature was a nice change from the quiet stares that seemed to follow your every move; MJ wasn't much for staring. Rather, she boldly told you what she was thinking without any shred of doubt.

And Ned, sweet Ned Leeds, was like a puppy personified. Always happy, always smiling, and always waiting to offer you compliments when you approached. You couldn't remember the last time someone had dared compliment your hair, your smile, or your outfits. Ned made it impossible to feel anything but comfort and joy in his presence, even his awkward nature was endearing.

"I'm glad." Peter hummed, "They really like you. To be honest, though, I kinda like it when it's just us. Maybe I should have waited a little longer to share you."

There was a pang in your chest at his words. Peter had been subtly flirting with you for days now, but this was more direct. He didn't have to come right out and say it for his implications to come across loud and clear, and that magnetic pull grew stronger.

So strong, in fact, that you murmured back, "I like it when it's just us, too."

If you had just kept your mouth shut, maybe he wouldn't have been so bold as to say, "Not gonna let them steal your heart from me, are you?"

The words were right at the tip of your tongue. Your heart was screaming, never! Nobody could ever steal me away from you, Peter! Yet, your mind was racing with a million and one horrible thoughts that made you feel as though your mouth was full of mud.

The silence between yourself and Peter grew thick as it drew on, no words escaping your lead-like lips. The voice in your brain, the one that sounded like your sister yet you knew was not her, was ringing in your ears. How could you ever fall in love, when she never could? How could you give your heart away, when she never had the chance?

You took that chance away from her. You stole it. This thing, whatever the weird force between the two of you was, was all stolen time, stolen opportunities, and stolen lives.

"Good night, (Y/N). I'll see you at school?"

You whispered, "Yes." The line went dead, and you felt cold.

Those simple words from Peter, with meaning and intention that was far from simple, were all it took to send the walls, bars, and barbed wire around your heart crumbling into nothing. With no protection, no barrier between yourself and the dangers of everyone else, your mind was working on overdrive. It would have been so easy to let him in, had that voice remained quiet, and yet you were steadily building those bricks back into place.

Now, all that was left to do was to steal your heart back. When had he managed to take it from you? Had he snuck in during the night, slipping through the strategically placed cracks and weak points he'd created, and stole away with it undetected? Had he taken it that first night, without you ever noticing?

As you finally released the pressure over the pillow on your face, sucking in a shaky breathe and letting all the heavy things crash over you again, tears burned your eyes. You didn't want to push Peter away. You didn't want to be the reason he was hurt, upset, or angry--you weren't ready to be the villain in his story.

"Mom?" you called out, knowing she was lingering close by.

Proving you correct, the door to your bedroom cracked open only seconds later and your mother's worried eyes fell upon your blinking ones. She definitely saw the troubled look on your face, the tears in your eyes, yet she held back from mentioning any of it as she asked, "Are you sick, honey?"

You nodded, the lump in your throat aiding your act as you croaked, "Yes. I don't feel good."

She frowned a little, knowing that you were bending the truth of the matter. Your mother was perceptive, and with the emotion all over your face, it easy for her to know that this wasn't some stomach bug or sore throat. To your relief, though, she resigned, "I'll call you out of school for the day. I'll be in my office if you need me."

Tomorrow, you could be the villain. For today, though, you were content to avoid your troubles and wallow in your self pity. At least this way you had some time to slip back into your stoic, cold demeanor before you had to face him. Time to prepare yourself to be alone again, because you knew that once you pushed Peter Parker away, Ned and MJ would be quick to follow him.

Sleep didn't come for you like you hoped it would. Well, it did, but then you found yourself dreaming of Peter and woke with a start. School had started an hour ago, and already there were a flurry of confused and increasingly alarmed messages from him lighting up your phone screen. Even though you couldn't hold back from reading them, you locked it before you found yourself replying as if on autopilot.

Pete: are you late

Pete: i'm at your locker

Pete: hello?

Pete: i'm going to class... see you there?

Pete: are you okay? you said you'd be here

Pete: at least let me know you're aldkhdkfj

You spent the day in your room, ignoring Peter and ignoring the world. Occasionally your mother would crack open your door to check on you, fussing over feeling your forehead despite the fact that you both knew you didn't have a fever, and tittering little comments about getting rest and staying hydrated. She knew you weren't sick, yet you were grateful she didn't try to pry.

As much as you wanted to tell her all of the things that were on your mind, the reasons that you were upset, you couldn't. You couldn't tell her all of the awful things you were thinking, and see the way her face would contort in anguish over you. You certainly couldn't listen to her telling you that it wasn't your fault, you weren't wrong for liking a boy, and your sister would want you to be happy. Even if you knew, in some deep part of your brain, that it was true.

Pete: got my phone taken in calculus sorry

Pete: I'm at lunch now, are you okay?

Pete: are you sick?

Pete: like... actually sick?

Peter really was relentless. You wondered how long it would take for him to catch onto what you were doing, or if he would at all. Would he understand why you suddenly gave him the cold shoulder? Would he understand, and be okay when you pushed him away again?

Pete: I'm in speech now.

Pete: we got the class to work on the speech and you're not here

Pete: not that we could do much anyways since you're so stubborn but still

Pete: okay what is going on

Pete: (Y/N)

Pete: please talk to me

Reading all of his messages kept the ache in your chest alive, stopping the numbness from creeping back in. You wished you could put your phone down, turn it off even, but it was like a cruel an addicting game to read each message as it arrived. You found yourself watching the little three dots as he typed another message eagerly, even if he was far from happy.

When school ended, he called. You let it ring each time, watching his name scroll across your screen over and over again until it ended. Once, twice, three times--he finally stopped calling, not leaving a voicemail.

For awhile, you wondered if that was it. Was he done? Had he caught on? Had he figured you out just as easily as he always seemed to do? Had Peter given up?

Pete: i know what you're doing

Pete: i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable

Pete: we can just be friends if that's what you want

It wasn't what you wanted, and that was the problem. You didn't want to be friends with Peter Parker. Well, you didn't want to just be friends with him. You wanted to know what his touch felt like when it was deliberate and welcoming, not the fleeting and curious brushes of his skin on yours. To be held by him, to taste his lips, to hold his heart in your hands like he already held yours--you wanted so much more than friendship with Peter, and that made you a thief and a fraud.

You: that's not what i want

You were weak. A weak, cowardly idiot is what you were, and you threw your phone on your bed with a groan as you realized what you'd done. The voice in your mind whispered insults, taunting you for being so easily broken.

Pete: what do you mean

You: i don't want to be friends with you Peter

Pete: oh

One simple word, and you realized he had taken that in a completely different way than you had meant it. Yet, you didn't correct him. You didn't explain that you meant you didn't want to just be friends. Maybe this was your chance--an easy way to kick him outside your walls without having to see it firsthand.

The chance didn't last long. A quiet knock sounded on your window, and your heart froze in your chest as you tried to sink deeper into your bed. It was the wind, you told yourself, until the knock sounded again and slightly louder. You could see the shadow on your floor out of the corner of your eye, and you buried your face into your pillow to block it out. If you ignored him, he would go away, and this would all be over.

After a few more knocks, it was silent for awhile, and you tempted a look at the floor only to frown at the sight of the shadow missing. He was gone, and you were alone again. Your lip quivered at the thought; what had you done? It was a mistake. This was a mistake.

You didn't want to push him away. You wanted him to hold your heart. You wanted Peter Parker as your friend, as more than a friend, hell, as anything as long as it was with you. But now? Going back on your word and dragging him back in again would be pathetic. He didn't deserve such treatment, especially not from you.

So, you pulled your pillow back over your face and let the tears fall. Your hot breath burned your eyes and made you feel sticky and gross, but you didn't care one bit. It felt cathartic to cry, like returning to a familiar place you'd been skirting around for ages. Crying over Peter was different than crying over your sister; the hurt was different, but one thing was the same: both were all your fault.

"Go away, mom." you whined, barely hearing the sound of your door unlatching over your muffled sniffles. It creaked further open, and you groaned, pressing the pillow harder onto your face, "Mom, please, I just want to be alone."

A throat cleared, and you froze. That wasn't your mother, the voice was deeper. The sound was still too light to be your father's, though, and that left one option that made your blood run cold. He didn't--did he?

He did. Peter pried the pillow out of your hands, all red cheeks and sad eyes as he stared at you in a sullen silence. "Why are you doing this?" he whispered, "Why are you pushing me away?"

You blinked at him, too paralyzed by the sight of his fluttering eyelids and pouting lips to speak. It must have been a sight to see you like that, your face red and blotchy, streaked with tears and snot that you'd been too lazy to wipe away. He didn't look away from your eyes, though, gazing into them with an intensity that dared you to look away.

Sensing that you weren't going to speak, he pressed on, "(Y/N), what is going on? I don't--It's okay if you don't like me back, I can deal with that. I want to be your friend, though. I thought you wanted to be mine, too."

Voice scratchy, you muttered, "I don't."

Something changed in him, and suddenly Peter was raking a hand through his hair as he frowned deeply. You wanted to smooth the crease between his brows, but you felt frozen. He was angry; he was angry with you, and he didn't hold back as he snapped, "That's bullshit, and you know it. If you didn't want to be friends, then why did you make that deal? Why did you let me make a complete fool of myself just to get your attention? Why did you let me introduce you to my friends? Stop lying to me!"

"I'm not!" you yelped, sitting up frantically and wiping at your face, finally. "I'm not lying, Pete!"

He threw his head back at the nickname, a sigh of exasperation forcing its way from his lips, nostrils flared. "I don't get you, (Y/N). I don't get you at all." he growled, facing you again with a heavy brow.

You gripped your blankets tightly, bunching them around your waist as you blinked at him with wide eyes. "I don't want to just be your friend, Peter!" you burst, "I don't want to just be your friend, and I don't know why. You make me feel all these things that terrify me, but I keep chasing after you and whatever those things are! It was so easy being alone, okay? Then suddenly you came swinging into my life and made everything so--so complicated!"

Your mother's face peered into your room, eyes blown wide in surprise, but the moment you glanced at her she backed away with a bitten smile and you flushed. You didn't get the chance to dwell on the fact that she'd been eavesdropping, though, because Peter sat on the edge of your bed and bit the inside of his cheek, blinking at you with teasing eyes.

"So, you like me?"

Eyes narrowed, you grumbled, "Are you really going to make me say it, Pete? After all of that?"

A sly grin stretched across his lips, cheeks puffing out adorably and making you bite your own to keep from grinning too. He tutted, raising his ruffled brow as he jabbed, "After everything else today? I think it's the least you could do."

You were screwed. His fingertips barely caressed the backs of your knuckles, and you shakily grabbed them before he pulled away again. "I like you, jerk." you mumbled, screwing your eyes shut as you felt your face burn in embarrassment.

Peter just chuckled, squeezing your hand as you felt your bed shift under his weight. "I don't want to just be your friend, either." his breathe fanned over your cheek, and your eyes snapped open to find his face closer than ever. If you just turned, ever so slightly, his lips would brush your own... He kissed your cheek softly, backing away with a tiny smile that you matched. "I like you a lot. Probably more than like, really."

"That scares me." you whispered, eyes still latched onto his, "Peter, you scare me."

He took a long moment to answer, weighing heavily the words he would utter next, before finally telling you, "You scare me, too, but I think it's worth it."

A gentle tapping at your door crashed through the moment, both of your faces burning a deep red as you turned to face your mother's sheepish smile. "Sorry, sorry, don't mind me--"

"Mom!" you wailed, slapping your hands over your face in mortification as she stealthily slipped into your room and dropped a box of condoms onto your dresser before racing away again. "Oh, I can't believe she--Mom! Did you really have to do that?"

Peter was laughing boisterously, head thrown back and eyes shut, though you could tell he was flustered too from the cherry red color that creeped down from his face and under his shirt. As humiliated as you were by your mother's actions, you couldn't help but to feel a little grateful for the interruption. The intensity, the tension in the air, had disappeared with the intrusion, and things felt a little bit lighter again.

You flopped back onto your bed, still pouting over the spectacle, as Peter breathed out, "That's so something Aunt May would have done, too."

At least you weren't alone in the embarrassing family department, you thought to yourself as Peter threw himself down beside you. She meant well, obviously, but did she really think that you and Peter were going to go from admitting you liked each other to ripping each other's clothes off in one night? Well, you were eighteen--maybe she had a bit of a reason to be so hasty.

"Do you think it's worth it?" Peter questioned, and you turned your head to face him, trying to ignore the close proximity of his face to your own. "Liking me?"

You chewed at your lip, listening for that voice in your head that had suddenly gone silent. "Yeah, yeah I do." you responded, and his face split in a blushing smile. You did think it was worth it, because being with him reminded you of all the good feelings you missed out on when he wasn't around. "I just wish we could have been like this before. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm stealing her life."

He grew serious in an instant, eyebrows furrowing as he stated, "I don't." At the sight of your confusion, he continued, "I don't wish we met before. Can you honestly say that you're the same person you were before?"

"No."

He nodded, "Exactly. Stuff like that... It changes you. I would know, remember? You wouldn't be the you that I like, and if Uncle Ben were here maybe I wouldn't be who you like, either."

You had to admit, he had a point. "I guess so." you pondered aloud.

"You're not stealing her life, either, (Y/N). She would have wanted you to be happy, to do all the things she never got to. It took me a long time to stop thinking that way, too, but I did. It wasn't your fault, and you can't miss out on stuff just because of her." Peter advised, and you swallowed down the lump that was growing steadily in your throat, "She didn't give up her life for you to stop living yours."

Fuck, Peter really knew exactly what to say. You, however, were at a loss for words. He said all of the things that you'd needed to hear for so long, so perfectly, and it rocked you to your core. How did he know just what you needed to hear? The answer was simple--because he knew you, and he knew how you were feeling. He knew, because he had lived it.

Changing the subject, you asked, "So, what do we do now?"

You didn't have to explain for him to understand, and he swallowed thickly, "Do you... will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yeah. That might be worth it."

He scoffed, "Might be? Forget it, I don't want you to be my--"

"I want to be your girlfriend, Pete!" you cut him off, laughing loudly. "I really, really want to." So, maybe you lied when you said that Peter made things complicated. In fact, Peter made things incredibly easy--and that made it worth it.

SERIES TAGLIST {ask to be added}:

@msmimimerton @zendayasfwb @sweet-symphony @cherthegoddess @justsomebodyweird