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lonely-lost-soul · 4 years ago

Text

Under The Floorboards (Pt. VIII)

(Technoblade x Reader) First Part: Pt. 1 Latest: Pt.VX

(Feel free to play this while listening to this chapter! Full credit to @Alexx-Kun on Wattpad for suggesting this gorgeous song)

https://youtu.be/kCV4JUqGr64

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Day 1: Forgiveness

Step one you needed to find a venue, you had assigned Ranboo as your honorary maid of honor. The young boy was just as thrilled as he was confused, did you not have any other friends? You were Technoblade’s perfect match if that was the case. Ranboo had no problem voicing that to you and you pouted at him, you argued that everyone who lived with Techno was antisocial. He reluctantly agreed and you smiled proudly, he rolled his eyes and shoved your shoulder with his hand. You laughed, glad you were sitting down, or else you would’ve for sure fallen. Technoblade and you had decided to split the jobs for the wedding between the both of you. You were in charge of the invitations and flowers, basically anything to do with decorating and interacting with other humans. Technoblade meanwhile was in charge of the venue and the official rings, it’s not that you didn’t trust him with more duties it was more that he didn’t trust himself. That and he also believed that you both could just get married in the woods. You at least wanted a small wedding with a few people you cared about, you rubbed your pointer finger and thumb together with a frown.

“You alright?”

“Just thinking about the invitations. Who will come...stuff like that.” Ranboo glanced over at the minuscule stack of letters by the table, it was clearly small, but Ranboo hand wrote them for you in swirl print. They better show up, Ranboo would be pissed if they didn’t, he put a lot of work into those invites.

“They’ll come.” He nodded his head picking them up with his claws, one was for Tommy, another was for Ghostbur, and Ranboo also suggested an invite for Captain Puffy he figured the both of you would get along considering you both had a habit for adopting misfits. You also needed a female friend. “We can deliver them and search for flowers, then tomorrow we can search for a dress for you that sounds okay right?”

“For someone with such a bad memory, you’re surprisingly good at planning,” You watched the boy preen at your compliment.

“Thank you, I also figured we can use the stasis chamber so you only have to walk one way with your ankle.”

“Smart boy.”

“Why thank you,” Ranboo smiled proudly over at you reaching out his hand for you to take. You grabbed it and he pulled you to his feet, he kept his hand interlocked with yours, it was minuscule in comparison to the half enderman’s. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

Slowly but surely the two of you made your way over to the nether portal and into the once-great country. Ranboo placed his hand on your lower back and helped guide you through the rubble of the city. He knew much better than you did where everyone resided, even if you didn’t meet them face to face you’d make a chest and drop it off. Ironically the first person you ran into was the woman Ranboo insisted you meet, Captain Puffy. She’s gorgeous, was your first thought, she was some form of a sheep hybrid dressed like a pirate, two of your favorite things, sorry Technoblade you might’ve met your new wife. You talked with her well into the afternoon, she was just so easy to talk to,

“Can I just say I feel like I’ve known you forever,” She gushed, taking your hands within her own and squeezing fondly. “I’m so happy Ranboo has found someone to watch out for him,” Ranboo flushed in response but didn’t argue against Puffy’s words which warmed your heart.

“I’m happy too. I just want to help these kids in whatever way I can,” You smiled a little forlornly thinking once again of the obnoxious blonde. “They just don’t deserve all the shit they have to deal with, they’re kids you know? They should be living their lives.”

“Yeah keep talking like I’m not here,” Ranboo mused over your shoulder which caused you to laugh with a shake of your head, “no need to stop please continue.” Puffy smiled at the both of you,

“She’s right though Ranboo. You should be out causing mischief or getting into trouble, not fighting in a never-ending war.”

“Oof getting into trouble? No thank you, I just wanna tend to my pets and go on adventures with my friends.”

“You’ll get to do that I promise. Once my ankles healed we’ll go woodland mansion hunting, I’ve been to a few in my time. They’re a lot of fun.”

“Really?”

“Yeah of course!” You beamed and Ranboo smiled right back at you, he brought his journal out of his bag and quickly scribbled something down in it. In the end, Puffy ended up accepting the invitation with a blinding smile,

“You’re going to be a gorgeous bride. Could I bring my girlfriend Niki? You’ll love her!”

“I don’t see why not. I can’t wait to meet her!” You assumed Technoblade wouldn’t mind one more person, especially because he’s never mentioned Niki which was a good thing in your eyes. Usually, if Technoblade talked about you, it was because he wasn’t a fan. You all said your goodbyes, you felt warm inside you couldn’t believe you were about to have TWO friends who are girls.

“Soooooo?”

“I love her.”

“Told you so,” Ranboo smirked. He was proud of himself for forcing someone else to socialize so he didn’t have to. Ranboo was relieved that list of people to invite wasn’t long; considering Technoblade had more enemies than friends. The only thing that rubbed him the wrong way was he didn’t even know that you had invited Tommy in the first place.

So if Tommy did show up, your wedding might be a bloodbath.

You and Ranboo stood outside of Tommy’s house, he glanced down at you and watched your hands clench the envelope. He brought his hands over yours and rubbed them gently, you looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Deep breath and relax okay? He’s Tommy so I won’t say he won’t flip out at you, but I can say you’re a wonderful friend, you’ll be fine.”

“I can’t believe Mr. Panic Room is telling me to relax.” You let out a nervous laugh, he made an offended face.

“Ya know what, never helping you again. You can walk home.”

“Ranboo it was a joke!”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” you stuck your tongue out and headed up to Tommy’s door and knocked. You already knew Tommy might not even be home, the boy was a wanderer by nature. Yet, much to your surprise, the door opened with a loud BANG, and in the doorway stood Tommy looking better than you’ve seen him in all the time he spent with you and Technoblade.

“Hi, Tommy.”

“(Y/N)?” He blinked looking surprised before he steeled his face, “What’re you doing here wench!” Tommy pointed an accusatory finger at you and you raised an eyebrow,

Wench?

That wasn’t going to fly.

“Try again.”

Tommy sputtered as you narrowed his eyes accusingly, his eyes trailed down to the netherite sword at your side. His entire demeanor changed when he spotted it at your side,

“(Y/N)! My friend! Good to see you! How’ve you been? Good? Good!” The boy rambled wrapping an arm around your shoulder with a big smile, there’s the Tommy you remembered. “I’m sure you’re doing good fo’ sho’! Now what do, I owe this pleasure women!”

“I wanted to invite you to Technoblade and I’s wedding,” Your voice was soft and hesitant, holding out the invitation out to him. The teenager blinked a few times before taking it from your hands, he flipped it over confusion was etched deep on his brow.

“You’re getting married? To Technoblade? He’s going to have a wife and I’m not?”

You blinked a few times trying to process what Tommy said, was he more mad at the fact that Technoblade was getting married in the first place? “Well yeah, considering I’m his fiance and all…”

“That motherfucker! He gets to have a wife! I want a wife! (Y/N) acquire me a wife!”

You let out howling laughter at his response, tossing your arms around the boy, he went silent and a confused look came across his face. His ears turned red as he looked over at Ranboo with a face that screamed help me, Ranboo simply looked away holding up a prominent middle finger at the boy. “Okay, okay! Enough hugs,” Tommy ranted shoving you away from him with a huff, “I don’t know what’s so funny about me needing a wife.”

“You’ll find a wife eventually,” You couldn’t help but smile as he frowned down at you. “So? Can you make it?” Voice quiet as you looked up at him, the nervousness from before creeping back into your body, he chewed on his bottom lip while looking at you. Tommy wasn’t about to be soft while Ranboo was standing less than a foot away so he did the next best thing which was whacking you on top of the head.

“I-well-...” Tommy rubbed the back of his neck looking nervous for the first time in his life, “I can’t.” He saw your face fall and he grabbed your shoulders tightly, “Not because I don’t want to! I… I guess you’re not TERRIBLE.” He admitted begrudgingly, “Tubbo and I...we have some unfinished business we need to deal with before things get any worse for people.”

“I don’t know what you mean Tommy.” You suddenly grew very concerned, “You don’t have to hold the entire world on your shoulders.”

“Yeah, I do,” Tommy responded with enough seriousness to shake you to your core, you didn’t know about his past with the discs fully, but you knew enough to know this situation was about that. “Just know I’m happy for you, seriously I am,” He gave you a sad smile.

“Stay safe Tommy. Please don’t be stupid.”

“I’m never stupid you BITCH!”

“Call me a bitch again you BRAT!”

“MAKE ME!”

You frowned, hitting him in the side so he would double over, while he gripped his stomach you pulled him into a headlock and began digging your knuckles into his skull. “Apologize!”

“NEVER!”

Ranboo looked sheepish as he stared at the scene, his shoulders slumping forward. “(Y/N) we have a schedule-” Reluctantly you released Tommy and he stumbled back, he huffed dusting off his shirt. You smiled slightly over at the boy,

“See you soon raccoon boy,” you gave him a proud salute.

“Hasta La Vista Miss Blade,” Tommy responded, saluting you right back.

You turned away from the boy and headed back over to Ranboo’s side, “You ready?” You nodded in response with a little smile on your lips. “Good. Next, up is Ghostbur right? We need to find him.”

“If we can locate Friend we can locate him.”

It took a while, but eventually, you and Ranboo found Ghostbur and Friend wandering around a forest nearby the crater. Immediately spotting you a bright smile spread across the ghost’s face, “(Y/N)!” He shouted, throwing his hand in the air with a wave, “How’re you doing darling!”

“I’m good Ghostbur! Have you met Ranboo?”

“Briefly. Nice to see you again!”

“Ugh, ditto,” Ranboo responded with a shy smile shuffling a little behind you.

You smiled and pulled an envelope out from your bag, you held it out to him.

“You and Friend good sir, are invited to Technoblade and I’s wedding.” He gasped loudly, eyes lighting up with pure and utter joy,

“Technoblade getting married! Oh my god, that’s phenomenal! You’re going to make the most beautiful bride,” he praised excitedly as your face turned red at the compliments, “Gosh, you two are so lovely together, I wouldn’t miss this for the world! Do you have a dress? You have to show me!”

You rubbed the back of your head, rocking on your heels, “Well...about that.”

“Do not tell me you don’t have a DRESS?” He practically yelled crossing his arms, “I’m disappointed in you!”

“It’s in two days Ghostbur! I had no time! I’ll make do with something. I’m sure I have an old dress somewhere-”

“UNACCEPTABLE!” He grabbed at your hands, “I’m getting you a dress. I’ll meet you at Technoblade’s tomorrow, just hold on!” Ghostbur ran his hand through Friend’s wool with a smile, “You’re going to be one of the most gorgeous brides, only second to Sally.”

“Well I’m honored, I’ll see you then.” You smiled adoringly at the little ghost as he floated off his sheep buddy by his side.

“Do you think he’s getting you a dress?”

“I have no idea,” You responded with a shrug, “It’s sweet he’s willing to put in the effort though.”

“Or creepy.”

“It’s sweet you jerk,” You nudged him with your arm Ranboo smiled,

“I’m just glad it’s off our to-do list for tomorrow.”

“True that means you can sleep in,” You teased as his multicolored eyes lit up,

“Hell yeah.”

~~~

Day 2: Ghostbur’s Gift

You woke up to sleepy kisses and tender touches, one of the loveliest ways to wake up if you might add.

“Morning big guy,” You cooed fondly as he made a soft purr-like sound in his throat. You turned over to face him and he immediately pressed a kiss to your lips. The voices couldn’t help but point out how cute you looked in the morning.

“Helloooo...How’s your ankle?” He asked his thumb brushing against your cheek, closing your eyes you let out a soft,

“Much better.”

“Good, I heard from Ranboo Ghostbur’s supposedly stopping by today. Any particular reason?”

“He says he has a dress I can wear for tomorrow.”

“How does he have a dress exactly?”

“No idea, but I’m going with it.”

“If you’re sure. Just don’t look bad.” You frowned and bonked him on the side of his head, “it was a joke!”

“It better be a joke or I’m leaving your ass. I look good in everything so fuck off.” You hissed as Technoblade groaned,

“Heard you loud and clear Princess. Scouts honor, you’re the most beautiful girl to me you know that.”

“I do. Just don’t joke around like that, makes me feel bad okay?”

He frowned a little and moved to hover over you, his hair framed his face and fell past his shoulders. It tickled your cheeks and you ran your hands through it meeting anything but his eyes suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Technoblade kissed the tip of your nose,

“Hey, Princess look at me.”

Turning your head towards his voice, the two of you locked eyes, a sense of calm washed over you, the only thing in his eyes was pure, unadulterated love.

“You’re the most beautiful girl in the world to me. No matter what I’m always going to think that you are, you could grow a third eye and I’d still want to marry you tomorrow. I’m sorry I made you feel bad, it was a joke but I won’t make it again. I swear.” You felt your eyes water as you tossed your arms around his neck, the sudden movement caused him to fall forward crushing you beneath him.

“I love you too bubba. Thank you for listening to me.”

“That’s part of my job idiot.”

You smiled against his neck and held him tighter, Technoblade reciprocated the hug and decided the both of you could stay in bed just a little while longer. The two of you shared soft kisses, every once in a while Technoblade would reinforce how precious you were to him, eventually, it all got to be too much and you shoved your hands in his face.

“Enough is enough! I’m embarrassed now.” Technoblade laughed at your flustered expression and pressed a fond kiss to your lips, obviously you kissed him back, your fingers threading through his hair.

“Princess…” He let out a pleased sound in the back of his throat, “you’re making it hard to get out of bed. I still have some stuff set up for tomorrow and you gotta look out for Wilbur.”

“Or hear me out. You can stay in bed with me all day, and keep giving me kisses,” You pressed your lips to his own before whispering in his ear, “Anywhere you’d like.” You nipped teasingly at his earlobe and suddenly felt the heat radiating off his face. As you expected his face was a deep red color and you felt his head fall against your shoulder,

“You’re going to kill me.” You only laughed in response, finally pulling away from him you swung your feet over the side of the bed, “you can’t just say that and walk away.” He whined loudly with a little pout on his lips, “Especially since I won’t see you until the wedding.”

“Suck it up buttercup,” You stuck your tongue out at the man “I’ll just be at Ranboo’s if something goes wrong I’ll be within reach.” He reached his hand up and threaded his fingers through your hair, you sighed pleasantly at the physical touch, “I love you.”

“Love you too, see you tomorrow.” You gave him one last fleeting kiss before standing up leaving the warmth of the covers and your half-naked fiance behind much to your dismay. You tossed one of Technoblade’s old shirts over your head, it came down past your knees and Technoblade let out a happy sigh from behind you. You let out a little laugh, looking at him over your shoulder his eyes were half-lidded as he stared at your now bare legs. “Hold on don’t change just yet I wanna stare a little bit longer.”

“Perv.” You snickered ignoring his wishes and sliding on a pair of pants, afterward, you tied a corset around your waist. He responded with a ‘heh?’ of disagreement before he groaned loudly and flopped over in the bed, “see you soon Bubbas.” You leaned over and pecked his forehead before sliding down the ladder and out of the house. Ironically your timing was perfect as you greeted Ranboo right outside Technoblades cabin, “Good morning!”

“Morning, you and Techno sleep okay?” You nodded with a bright smile, “Good Wilbur should be stopping by any minute now by the way. He sent me a note earlier this morning that said he’d be around this time.”

“Works for me, wanna wait by your house?”

“You just wanna pet my bunny,” You smirked and laughed,

“Can you blame me?”

“I suppose not. Whatever makes you happy.” Ranboo sighed but there wasn’t any real defeat in his tone, “Let’s go.” Ranboo and you walked a little ways away to his humble little shack so you could play with Ranbun. You were set up in Ranbun’s pen holding him in your arms and cooing softly at him, Ranboo joined you after a few moments of jealous staring. The two of you spent the next hour playing with his bunny and feeding him lots of treats, he was one happy bunny. Ranboo was the first person to see Ghostbur coming through the trees, a large box in hand, had he actually managed to get you a dress?

“(Y/N)! Ranboo!” Ghostbur shouted excitedly floating over to the both of you, “I managed to find the dress I promised you! So long as it fits of course.” Your jaw fell open as you stumbled out of Ranbun’s pen,

“How the hell did you manage to find me a wedding dress?”

“Oh! It was Sally’s.” A fond smile spread across the ghost’s face, both you and Ranboo looked at one another brows furrowed. Ranboo put a hand to the side of his face and whispered loudly to you,

“I thought Sally was a fish.”

You whispered back in the exact same manner,

“Me too, but at this point, I’m too afraid to ask for clarification.”

Ranboo nodded seriously and stood back up to his full height, you stepped forward and took the box from the hands of the ghost he stared at it longingly like he was afraid to let it go. You chewed on the inside of your cheek for a moment before speaking up,

“Are you sure?” Your voice was barely above a whisper but it was still as tender as ever, the ghost of Wilbur snapped his eyes up to meet yours. He seemed to be reading the expression in your eyes before smiling almost fondly, handing the box over to you officially. He pulled out a small patch of blue and fumbled it around in his hands, like a nervous tic,

“I’m positive love. I trust you to take good care of it and Sally would want you to have it, she was wonderful like that. Just please take good care of it.”

“I’ll protect it with my life. I promise you.”

“I know you will, you’re going to be a beautiful bride, my dear.” He somehow took your hands and pressed a faint kiss to them, “Go on then try it on.” Your eyes sparkled in delight and he turned to Ranboo,

“Well go on, we’ll still be here to judge you immensely.”

“Oh fuck off.” You laughed heading into his shack to change, you managed to find an area not completely out in the open. The only nerve-wracking thing was you didn’t have a mirror so you had to pray you looked alright and that Raboo and Ghostbur wouldn’t lie to you. You opened the box and pulled the dress out, Sally really knew how to pick a damn good dress; the dress was stunning, you definitely wouldn’t do it justice. The dress fell past your feet and pooled a little ways behind you, it was more of an off-white creme color, and was made of soft lace. It was sleeveless so the winter wind gave you a chill, you hoped Technoblade picked a place that wasn’t freezing cold. You took a breath to hype yourself up and stepped out of the shack, the dress trailing behind you, you had left the veil in the box figuring you didn’t need it right now. The first person to spot you was Ghostbur, who gasped loudly bringing his hands up to his face after spotting you. You shrunk in on yourself a little bit and your cheeks turned a light pink in response, “That’s a good expression I hope.” You meekly laughed as Ranboo turned around and let out a shaky break of surprise. He reached forward with his claws to touch the soft fabric,

“It’s perfect! Fits like a glove.” Wilbur hummed happily floating around you, “I was right by the way, you look beautiful. Techno’s going to pass out.”

“Shut up I can’t look that good.”

“You do though!” Ranboo shouted excitedly, “It suits you perfectly not that I had any doubts or anything.” He jumped a little on the balls of his feet, he pulled out his memory book quickly scribbling something down inside it, as he did so he muttered “I’m the best honorary maid of honor ever.”

“You definitely are.” You praised the halfling who only seemed to grow more excited at the praise, Ghostbur cleared his throat, was he looking for a compliment too? “Ghostbur you’re a lifesaver, if it wasn’t for you I’d be walking down the aisle in Netherite. Thank you.” Ghostbur seemed to preen a little as he smiled proudly,

“I know. I’m pretty great aren’t I? I basically saved the day.”

“You certainly are.”

“Oh! Just return the dress the next time I see you after the wedding okay?”

“I will have no fear, it’s in safe hands.” The ghost nodded, “I can’t wait to see it in action tomorrow.”

“Me too,” you sighed lovingly, doing a little twirl in the dress you could only imagine the look that would appear on Technoblade’s face when he saw you.

You hoped the voices would approve because Technoblade was absolutely going to short circuit and go feral, you could hardly wait.

Day 3: The Wedding Day

The night before the wedding Technoblade couldn’t sleep his body was buzzing with nerves, which was a foreign feeling to him. He was worried about you not sleeping by his side, this was the first time since you’ve officially gotten together that you weren’t there. He didn’t realize how much he missed your presence and warmth, he pulled the pillow you usually used close to his chest. He felt like a love-struck teenager cuddling the pillow of his missing girlfriend because that’s basically what he was, except instead of a girlfriend it was his fiance. The voices didn’t help his longing either; they were roaring in his head asking where you were and when you would come back.

Where’s (Y/N)? I miss her! Can Ranboo protect her if something goes wrong? What if Dream gets ahold of her in the meantime and you’re up here sleeping? I wanna squeeze her thighs again right now. E. That’s disgusting, stop, don’t sexualize her like that. B U T T. Can I get a big pog for butts? Thighs for the thigh god.

His entire face went a deep scarlet, “What does that even mean guys.” Technoblade let out a loud groan of embarrassment, some of the voices laughed, some others rumbled with anger. “I just want her by my side is all, I miss her. I miss her touch...I don’t know when I became such a sap. I hate that I care about her this much, but god without her I’d be lost.”

SIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMPSIMP

“You shits.”

The morning rolled around and Technoblade woke up as soon as the sun shone through the windows. He fell asleep around three in the morning, tired as shit, bees buzzing around in his stomach.

Today’s the day! Gotta get ready as soon as possible, you’re gonna look so handsome! I bet (Y/N)’s gonna be equally as beautiful! Don’t fuck it up. Celebratory murder spree pog? She’ll think you’re so hot covered in blood. No! E. Normalcy is key!

He shook his head to get rid of the nagging voices rattling around in his head, he knew what he had to do, and listening to the voices wasn’t one of them. Phil was going to come soon and Technoblade had to look presentable so they could head to the venue and Phil could set up some last-minute decorations. Techno would say he felt bad making Phil do most of the work, but he honestly didn’t, especially since he was so inept at romance in the first place. Never one to wear a suit Technoblade decided his best outfit would be his arctic retirement one, a suit would be too constricting. After all, what if it was attacked and he needed to jump into action, Phil had told him that he was absolutely not allowed to bring weapons which he was not happy about at all. Although the man did reassure him that he would be armed and have an extra weapon just in case something was to occur, he guessed that was FINE. With a soft huff, the man stood up from his bed and pulled out his outfit, the soft blue made him yearn for the days before they found Tommy living under the house. In a way wearing this symbolized a time in their relationship before he was forced into bloodshed once again, plus he knew you loved the fuzzier outfit.

Putting on everything, he brought the fur cape around his shoulders, his crown glittering on his head in the light. He looked regal, he would say he looked like a king but he hated all forms of government so he just looked like his usual badass self. In his closet sat his wedding gift to you, it was a gold tiara that matched his crown in his own way finally solidifying the both of you as a blood god duo.

Turning away from the tiara he grabbed a hairbrush to tame his wild hair, he wanted to do something different with it. It spilled around his back and down to his waist, he managed to tame the frizz with some product that he ‘borrowed’ from you. In the end, he had two small braids framing his face, he grabbed both of them and pinned them together on the back of his head. A half-up half-down look almost made him look like a Viking, he liked it. Technoblade placed gold earrings along with his ears and added some gold accents on his wrists and fingers, none overshading his engagement ring.

His ears twitched hearing the door open downstairs, Phil was here, it was time.

“Hellooo!” Technoblade called from upstairs and Phil responded with a cheerful,

“Hey mate!”

As Technoblade descended the ladder, Phil smiled fondly at his old friend, he immediately adjusted the cape on his shoulders. Technoblade huffed a small laugh, “Was that really necessary?”

“Obviously. I’m the married one, I know what I’m doing.” He shot back snickering, “You ready to go?”

“As I’ll ever be I suppose.”

“I’m proud of you man,” Phil responded with a fatherly smile “You’re never going to forget today. It’ll be the best of your life.”

“Ehhhh I don’t know about that. Spawning those Withers and blowing up a country really gave me a rush.”

“Oh fuck off,” Phil howled with laughter while shoving the snickering piglin. “This’ll be an entirely new feeling, I would know.” His wings puffed out happily remembering his marriage fondly,

“Didn’t you marry a fridge?”

“You’re literally the worst.”

Technoblade smirked just happy he steered the conversation away from any of that mushy crap. He was going to get enough of that as it is in a few hours, oh look at that the bees are back. Phil gave him a pat on the back and the two of them left the house side by side. The spot Technoblade picked out for the wedding was one both of you would like, a snowy taiga, it was warm enough that you wouldn’t freeze to death but still had the beautiful powdery snow that Tecnhoblade loved. Phil had done an amazing job of setting everything up, on the arch, there were beautiful blue flowers interspersed with white roses (both of which you picked out prior), they stood out beautifully against the wooden trellises. There was a carved stone pathway leading the way up to the arch and a few wooden benches decorated with light blue silk so whomever (Y/N) invited could sit down. He knew most of them would only be there for her, he was okay with that, all he needed was Phil and Ranboo and he was content. Next to each booth was a stone pillar, on top of them sat a bouquet of white and blue roses.

“You really outdid yourself, thank you.” Technoblade whistled,

“You know I’d do anything for you mate. Glad I could provide, I do have one last little decoration though.” Phil mused reaching into his bag he pulled out a small gold bell similar to the one he had inside his house. He placed the bell above the arch so it would chime softly when the wind blew against its side. Technoblade smiled fondly at the sight and wrapped his arm around Phil’s shoulder.

“I love it. (Y/N)’s gonna love it too.”

“Thanks, man.” Phil said softly bumping against the blade, “Do you know who’s going to show up by the way?”

“Absolutely no idea.”

“Guess we’re gonna find out, look.” Technoblade stepped away from Phil and looked in the direction of his friend, cresting over the hill seemed to be two girls, Technoblade was immediately confused because he didn’t realize you had friends who were women. Phil let out a small laugh, “Oh it’s Niki and Puffy, Ranboo must’ve introduced (Y/N) to them.” Technoblade only nodded his lips twitching into a frown, new people...gross.

“Hi, Phil! Technoblade!” Puffy chirped brightly, her hand intertwined with Niki’s tightly, “Congratulations to you Mr.” She lightly tapped Technoblade in the chest he blinked in surprise,

“Thank you?”

“I may have just met (Y/N), but just know if you do ANYTHING to hurt her at all I will slaughter you.”

“Darling please…” Niki sheepishly smiled, “you realize you’re threatening Technoblade right? Not the best idea.”

“It’s alright. I admire your gumption,” Technoblade gave the both of them a thumbs up in response, “I’m glad (Y/N) has someone else like that looking out for her. But, just so you know. The same to you.” He eyed the both of them with a sharp look in his eyes, Puffy let out a nervous laugh and Niki narrowed her eyes warily.

“That’s fair.”

“Anyway!” Phil cleared his throat, “let's not ruin this before it even starts.” He led the two girls over to their seats with a small smile, “(Y/N) will be super happy to see you both by the way. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course, (Y/N) and I are soulmates after all.” Puffy swooned happily as Niki giggled fondly at her antics, “Technoblade better watch out. Niki and I will steal her heart.”

“I’ll be sure to warn him,” He snickered, glancing over at his friend who was sniffing at the flowers in the pots. “If you need anything don’t hesitate to ask, Wilbur should be here soon then (Y/N) and Ranboo will come and it’ll start.”

“Sounds good,” Niki hummed playing with the sleeves of her blue dress “I’m super excited to meet her.”

While Puffy reassured her that she would, Phil noticed his son floating over to the area. “Hello, Phil!” The ghost’s eyes lit up seeing all of them, “Oh wow everything is so beautiful!”

“Thanks, Ghostbur.” Technoblade hummed walking over to Phil and the ghost,

“I’m proud of you too Mr. Engaged!” He snickered as Technoblade’s nose scrunched up in distaste, “Who knew the big, scary Technoblade would settle down with a wife, maybe start a family eventually.”

“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear any of the cringy nonsense that just came out of your mouth; so I can enjoy today in peace.”

"Boo! I’m just happy for you!” Ghostbur huffed in annoyance, “I was telling (Y/N) yesterday that marrying Sally was the best day of my life! I’m so making fun of you when you get all mushy.”

“IF I get all mushy, which I won’t.”

“Sure you won’t man,” Technoblade glared at his friends in frustration if this teasing was going to continue. He was kidnapping (Y/N) himself and getting married to her elsewhere.

“I do love all the blue though!” The ghost of Wilbur swooned happily at all the flowers, “This just makes the entire day even better!-”

However he didn’t get to continue as Ranboo cleared his throat rather loudly, the enderboy looked dapper as always, a rose was pinned on his lapel, obviously from (Y/N).

"Ready Techno?” Phil looked over at him, the pigman’s frustration and confidence fell from his face all at once. Even Ghostbur was shocked at the way Technoblade tensed up and fumbled with the soft fluff on his cape, “Techno?”

It’s time. Holy fuck! She’s going to be stunning, he’s going to be a husband! HE’S GOING TO BE A HUSBAND? Oh fuck.

“Techno mate you alright?”

"Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Let's do this.” Technoblade took a deep breath walking over to the altar with Phil, Phil was obviously officiating the wedding. He didn’t want anyone else doing it, Ranboo smiled at the two of them as he walked down the aisle throwing little flower petals everywhere before standing on (Y/N)’s side of the altar. He gave him a happy little nod, Technoblade nodded back at him in a sign that he was happy to see him. Music began to flow through the air, Technoblade just knew Wilbur had managed to bring a jukebox, but he didn’t mind it was fitting.

He turned towards the rich sound and for once in his life the voices...stopped.

Technoblade could hear the music perfectly, he heard the chiming of the bell every time the wind blew, everything seemed clear and for all the sounds that were playing around him without the rancorous voices, it all seemed deadly quiet.

The true reason the voices stopped though was because he saw you.

Elegant. Magnificent. Royalty.

The words spun around in his head, because god you looked angelic as you walked towards him. He wished your face wasn’t obscured by a veil, he wanted to see you, to cup your cheeks and pull you into a desperate kiss. He wasn’t worthy to marry you, he was barely worthy to breathe the same air as someone so pure. Technoblade bit down on his tongue rather harshly, for once in his life he wished the voices would speak up so he wouldn’t feel so small in his head.

“Hi.”

Your silvery voice snapped him out of his thoughts, he drew in a shaky breath and looked at you.

“Hi,” His voice cracked a little and he flushed all the way up to the tips of his ears. He reached out to squeeze your hands tightly, he felt you squeeze back and he knew that everything was okay. Fuck, he was tearing up a little and he hasn’t even seen your face yet, fuck...Ghostbur was right. He was a mushy gross mess, you giggled a little at his flustered expression.

“You look handsome,” You whispered softly tilting your head to the side.

“You’re Aphrodite herself.”

“Take it back. Take it back right now.” The teasing tone your voice took made him relax considerably, you were still you. His lovely almost wife who’d he got to spend the rest of his life with, it was perfect, you were perfect.

“You know I do, even if it kills me to retract the statement.” His hand reached forward and gently pushed the veil back over your head.

Fuck.

It took all his strength not to kiss you senseless. Phil cleared his throat and smiled at the small crowd of people who came to the wedding, Puffy seemed to already be emotional, Niki rubbing her back with gentle circles. The both of you barely paid any attention to the introductions and the little details too engrossed in one another to truly listen to anyone that wasn’t each other. They both snapped to attention when Phil spoke their names with a tender smile and their wedding rings were in his hands.

“Your wedding rings are the outward and visible sign of the inward and invisible bond which already unites you two hearts in love. Groom, place the ring on Bride’s finger and repeat after me….I give you this ring…”

“I give you this ring.” Technoblade swallowed thickly listening carefully to Phil’s words as you smiled adoringly, the pink spreading across your cheeks was adorable. He shakily slid the diamond ring on your finger,

“Wear it with love and joy.”

“As this ring has no end, My love is also forever.”

“Good job man.” He winked teasingly at Technoblade breaking character to complement his friend, “Bride, place the ring on Groom’s finger and repeat after me….I give you this ring.”

“I give you this ring.”

“Wear it with love and joy.”

“As this ring has no end, my love is also forever.”

“As this ring has no end, my love is also forever.” You breathed softly staring into Technoblade’s eyes and right into his soul. No doubts, only love. Phil continued on,

“May the wedding rings you exchanged today to remind you always that you are surrounded by enduring love and so now by the power vested in me by...me, it is my honor and delight to declare you husband and wife. You may seal this declaration with a kiss.” You didn’t need to be told twice as you threw your arms around Technoblade’s shoulders smothering him with a kiss. He let out a breathy laugh against them, before kissing you back just as passionately. Technoblade’s hands rested on your lower back and he held you like you were a perfect porcelain doll. “I am pleased to present the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs… ugh Blade! We’ll go with that.” The man laughed as you pulled away from Technoblade to join in his laughter, you pulled Phil into a hug and motioned for Ranboo to join in, both did so, although Ranboo’s was slightly reluctant.

“Thank you both for everything. My sweet Borealis boys.” You cooed, Phil only laughed and Ranboo’s entire face flushed deeply at the nickname.

“We love you obviously,” Phil hummed “You don’t need to thank us. Right Ranboo?”

“Do I really have to say it?”

“Yes.” Technoblade spoke gruffly, “If you don’t she might cry.”

“Yeah, Ranboo don’t make me cry on my wedding day.”

“Oh, Christ...Fine! I love you too…thank you for giving me a home. Caring for me...all of that. You don’t know how much that means to me.” Ranboo looked up at you and you immediately wrapped him in another tight hug, he let out a little whimper and buried his face in your hair.

“You’ll always be welcome here Ranboo. We’ll always be your home so long as you’ll have us.”

“Shit,” He laughed a little wetly pulling away from you, “I’ll have to write that down.”

“You mean you’ll forget it? Rude.” It was Technoblade who chimed in this time and Ranboo flushed in embarrassment once again. He hunched in on himself before sputtering,

“No, no, no not what I meant! What I mean is like-”

“Ranboo you’re fine mate.” Phil snickered, reaching up to ruffle his hair, “loosen up a little.”

“(Y/N)!” You turned towards the shouting of your new friends and your face lit up,

“Puffy!” The two girls threw their arms around you in a warm hug, even though you didn’t know Niki yet you’re never one to turn down a hug.

Your final conclusion of the night: Niki was absolutely lovely and she and Puffy were relationship goals.

~~~

Candles were littered around the room as you and Technoblade swayed gently to soft music in your bedroom. The both of you were finally alone, and officially married, the first thing Technoblade wanted to do was have the first dance with you. It surprised you that a dance was that important to him, but you came to the conclusion that he just wanted to hold you as close as possible. “I have a gift for you,” Technoblade spoke up rather suddenly and you frowned,

“We said no gifts.”

“When have I EVER listened to authority Princess?”

“Touche,” You snapped your fingers in his direction and he snickered. He pulled away from you and you flopped down on the bed, you watched him walk over to the closet and pull out a medium-sized velvet box. “Bubs what the hell…” You murdered as he placed it into your arms, “please tell me you didn’t go too crazy.”

“I didn’t. I made it by hand,” Technoblade urged you to open it. You did so pulling off the top, jaw-dropping onto the floor. He knew that reaction was positive and pride swelled in his heart, he knew his girl well. He watched as you lifted the golden tiara out of the box, it was littered with gems that matched his crown, your thumb brushed against them in awe.

“You made this?”

“Just for you Princess. Thought you needed something to fit your name.”

“I’m so in love with you.”

“Good thing you're my wife then,” he felt his stomach swoop happily and by the way you gently caressed the crown, he knew you felt the same about him. “Put it on Princess I wanna see how it looks on you.” Your face turned red as you did as he asked, his eyes grew half-lidded and he kneeled down in front of you, “Stunning.” He kissed the inside of your wrist, his voice turning gruff, “beautiful.” A kiss was placed on your forearm, “gorgeous,” On your shoulder, “My princess. My good girl.” Technoblade pressed a hot kiss to your neck, you leaned back your breath hitching in your throat.

“Techno…” You whined softly, “I love you.”

“Love you more.”

“Love you most,” He purred, capturing your lips in a heated kiss.

~~~

The dogs' rapid barking stirred you from your rest, Technoblade grumbled beside you as you sat up in bed letting the covers fall from your shoulders. The air nipped at your bare skin and you frowned, you couldn’t help but wonder what bothered the dogs so suddenly, “Go back to bed.” Technoblade demanded his hand caressing the small of your back, you leaned back against the warm touch but you couldn’t shake away your worry.

“I’ll be back in two seconds.” You leaned down to kiss the top of his head, he only hummed in response. Big guy knew you could handle yourself just fine, n’ that’s why you loved him. You slipped on a robe and your slippers before making your way to the dogs, stepping inside you heard quite a few of them whining, they just seemed genuinely bothered. “What’s going on huh guys?” You cooed scratching them behind their ears, sensing your comforting presence they seemed to calm down considerably, “What’s got my fearsome guard puppies so spooked.”

“That’d probably be me.”

You jumped halfway in the air, whipping around you came face to face with the hollow white mask that Dream commonly wore.

“Fucking shit Dream what the hell?” You pressed your hand to your heart, your dogs growling lowly all around you. “You scared the shit out of me!”

“My bad.” He smirked in a way that showed he wasn’t at all sorry, “I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get an invitation to the wedding.”

“Would you have even shown up?” You raised an eyebrow as he stepped closer to you, Nightmare was at his hip making your bad vibe senses light up like a wildfire. He hummed thoughtfully rubbing his chin,

“Probably not. But, I decided I’d drop by and give you my congratulations.” He was close enough that you could smell him, he smelled like burning wood and dirt; like a little pissbaby worm.

“Well thank you,” You wrapped the robe tighter around your body like it suddenly dropped ten degrees. “You can go now-” You started before you were pressed up against the wall, his fearsome blade Nightmare at your throat. The dogs began to bark and howl at the man’s heels but they couldn’t do much without a direct command, but you hoped it would be enough to draw Technoblade out of the house.

“Clearly Technoblade cares about you much more than I had originally calculated. It’s kind of pathetic if I’m being honest. Someone like you who's so small, so pathetic, could bring Technoblade, the fearsome blood god himself, down like that. Make him soft. We can’t exactly have that now, can we? We need him...How do I say this...a bit feral, unhinged.”

“You realize you kill me, you can count on him hunting you down and slaughtering you right? I can’t say for sure the ‘favor’ is completely off the table but he’ll half-ass it that’s for sure.” You snarled right back in Dreams face, tempted to spit in it.

“Oh, I’m not going to kill you, babe.” His voice dripped like honey, its sickly sweet tone made your stomach churn. “But we’re going to get really comfortable with one another, for the time being, you’re under my custody.”

“What the fuck does that mean you freak-” He hit you on the back of the head with Nightmare, successfully knocking you out. That caused one of the dogs to absolutely lose it, jumping up and tearing off a piece of Dreams bright green hoodie. He snarled at the dog and jolted when he heard Technoblade call for (Y/N), it was close. He quickly messaged his accomplice and was teleported out of the situation, via his own stasis chamber, appearing back in his home base. He smiled wickedly under his mask, as Enderman noises could be heard behind him. He adjusted the girl in his grip, the next few days were going to be a lot of fun.

: )

~~~

Leave your comments below and I hope you enjoyed! Memes and fanart is also always welcome your girl is thirsty for any scrap of content.

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luiletulip · 5 years ago

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Little Women.

I’ve always wondered what my purpose in life is.

What does it have to do with the things I like? Are we born into this world equipped with passion, interest, talents to fulfill our purpose? Or are we simply lying to ourselves, thinking we might actually have meaning to live?

Faith tells me it’s the first option, but most times my darker side whispers and believes it’s the latter.

I rewatched Little Women last night. I’ve always been fond of the book, as well as the 1994 movie starring Winona Ryder. However, the one I watched last night was the modernized version that premiered last year in 2018.

I’m surprised at just how many Little Women movies there are, seeing that they’re going to be releasing another one this December, and well, where was I going with this? I had a story to tell.

Ah yes.

Little Women.

Out of the four March sisters, Beth has always been my favorite.

Growing up I didn’t really have a specific reason as to why I find her the best sister other than, “She’s so kind, so gentle,” (as I would tell my mama). My mama was more of a Jo fan, she says she sees herself in Jo March one way or another.

This got little Luika thinking, “Which March sister am I most similar to?”

Obviously, it wouldn’t be Beth, no matter how much I hoped I would be. She was basically an angel, and I am not that kind, patient, supportive sister I wish to be if I’m being honest.

I’ve always thought that if Beth was out of the options, then perhaps the best choice would be Meg?

I tried identifying with her in my teenage years in a sense that I too wanted a family, I too wanted to fit in, I too wanted to live a simple life. I wanted to value tradition, home, and everything else that would fit perfectly in our society.

Only to later find out (as I matured and grow and heal) that I couldn’t, I wouldn’t want to live a life like Meg’s.

There’s nothing wrong with it, obviously. It’s a beautiful dream to have a family. It’s a wonderful thing to fit in and be accepted. It’s all good, all valid. I used to think it was all I’ve ever needed and wanted as well, which is why I sided with Meg all those years every time I watched the scene where Jo confronted her about her life choices.

In a way, I still do, the way Jo forced her opinions and values on her sister wasn’t the right thing, but I’ll admit that now I somehow do understand where Jo is coming from.

Could it be because I feel the same way?

I’m a dreamer. There’s no one in my life (if they know me really well) who would say otherwise. I’ve always been, and most probably always be a dreamer.

When I was in the ninth grade, I’ve mapped out my life in the happiest, “quirkiest” way I wished to live. Owning a beautiful house by the beach? Happily married to the love of my life? Living lavishly off my art and writing? Having adorable twins at the age of 26?

Now that I’ve reached 26 years of age, all I could say to myself was, “Dude for real, what were you thinking.”

In short, I felt like current me was in a way criticizing ninth grade me the way Jo did to Meg. But there’s nothing wrong with Meg’s dream (or mine back in ninth grade)! Nothing wrong at all. It just wasn’t my dream, at least not anymore.

The more I grow (mentally and spiritually as well as physically) the more I start to accept myself; my flaws, my thoughts, my feelings, my struggles, my strengths, my faith, and the more I start to become myself.

See, I have this tendency to please people. I’m a people pleaser. It’s not even about making people like me, it’s more about having people not disappointed in me.

As good as this tendency might be in certain times (like when it motivates me to do better in everything I do or putting others first in decisions always) it is just as toxic when I have no control over it.

And so I do believe that ninth grade me, trying so hard to fit in and conform into what my friends, family, and society wants me to be, buried my bigger dreams, because younger me back then had huge plans of saving the world. Literally.

There was a shift in my heart, and even if it sounds fake, I really do still remember the feeling.

As a child, I was imaginative, sensitive, and already overthinking things. You can most definitely confirm this with my mama who noticed this first.

She told me I’ve always been a future-oriented kid, telling her, “When I grow up… Later in the future… A few years from now… Once I’m able to… Older me would…” and all those kinds of talks.

My mama, a person who also loves to talk about the future, saw a little bit of herself in me, but she added, “You were already so idealistic about things. You were a kid. You didn’t need to be, but you were.”

I suppose she referred to where I started talking about changing the world for the better and saving people at a young age.

Not here to praise my “idealistic” and “unique” personality as a child (because I know I’m not alone, there are so many children out there who think this way) but to show that I was born with this kind of personality.

I grew to be an idealist, a dreamer.

Back to discussing the shift in heart and burying my “bigger” dreams.

I thought I just “grew out of it” and began to accept reality, when in truth, I was just adapting and changing myself, accommodating to society.

The need and want to fit in was so strong in me that I remember getting nervous every time my school would make us take personality tests. I tried so hard to score a Sanguine, a type I believed to be popular and well-liked.

But as I was taking the test, halfway through I realized that I can’t lie to myself. This isn’t who I was. I’m not the energetic and sociable Sanguine I wanted to be. Nor am I the strong and confident Choleric I wish I was. I stopped halfway and decided to just be honest. I got an invalid result.

Curious me began to learn more about these personality-related things, and it took me a couple of years to finally settle and accept myself as a Melancholic-Phlegmatic.

Not the most exciting type or combination, I guess, but it’s me.

Now that we’ve established that about my personality, I’ll bring this back to Little Women.

Jo March. I’m not much like her. I’m not assertive, not as brave to speak up my mind, and not confident in myself as she is. I am, however, as passionate and as idealistic as this character . . . and I find myself relating to her a little more than ever.

I came to understand that it’s okay for me to dream big, to feel like I have a different purpose, a different path than what the general public does. It doesn’t make me “special” or “weird” or “unique”. It just makes me, me.

Studying MBTI and personality traits (some psychology in general too) helped me see that no one is the same in any way. Alike, maybe, but never the exact same.

Everyone is different.

Everyone has their own character, their own dreams, goals, struggles, pain, strengths, weaknesses, stories, motives, nature, nurture . . . I can go on and on.

The point is that I think no one should change to fit in. Because sure, we’ll fit in in some cases, but are we ever truly who we are?

My friends who are in the MBTI community online (yes, there is such a thing) have this “joke” where we say, “We live in an extroverted world, where everything is trusted in senses.”

Basically, if you’re an introverted intuitive, you’re screwed. Great.

Some might embrace the weirdness, having a sense of pride being “different” and “unique” and “special”, some others (like me) feel burdened.

Feeling like you don’t truly belong to any social group or even in this world isn’t a pleasant feeling for me personally. Having to shift and change and morph into someone different other than my true self is uncomfortable.

I’m not saying I change a good 180, but I’ll admit I tweak my actions and behavior here and there to adapt to the person I’m with. I’m only ever truly myself when I’m alone. That shouldn’t be the case. My people-pleasing tendency gets the best of me most times.

You shouldn’t change your personality to fit in. Not saying change is bad, in fact, change is very good depending on what your motive is.

So I guess what I’m saying is that if there is change, it shouldn’t be for society, it would be best to change for the better. The better version of ourselves. For ourselves.

Changing for the better is also known as growth, healing.

I’m really trying to do this, taking it one day at a time, finding my purpose in life. Which is it again? Wait, I’m back to square one with the whole life purpose and all.

I guess to summarize:

I feel like I’ve gotten to know myself better through learning about personalities, I’ve accepted the way I am and now learning to better myself to fulfill my life purpose, in which I have always thought to be something else.

I feel like I’m not made to walk down the road most people go, not in the pace society sets for me, but that’s the thing: I shouldn’t.

I should go in the pace God set for me, fulfilling the purpose He has for me, and being my true self that He has created me to be.

Sigh.

This post isn’t even about Little Women anymore. It’s a great book, please read it if you haven’t.

Anyway, yes.

This is just a little rambling, a little journaling for me to sort out some of my thoughts. It may not reach anyone, but I’m glad I did it. I’d love for it to be some sort of help or comfort to anyone reading this, but most importantly it was to me. Healing, growing, taking it one step at a time.

(This post is a mess, but so am I haha)

Lord, let me live my life the way You want it to be. Use me and my life for Your good. Help me change the world even by the littlest things. Amen. Soli Deo Gloria!

See you sometime, maybe. Here’s to all the dreamers. All the love.

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triggeringthehealing · 6 years ago

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Tangled In Knots, pt2

Derek/Stiles (Teen Wolf) | PG-13 | ~2k | AO3 canon-compliant (ish), full shift werewolves, references to knotting

Summary: He’s right under the nose of the FBI, even though he knows he’s on their target list. But it’s not the first time he hid right under the law enforcement’s noses. Last time, it was Stiles who harbored Derek’s fugitive ass. He’s really not expecting it to be the case here, no matter how close to Quantico he is. He also has other issues to worry about, and that’s when he spots a flyer that promises information on the problem he’s had ever since the time he saved his own life by shifting into a wolf. Derek really should rethink his position on coincidences.

A/N: More @wipweek goodness, this time Newest WiP. (There’s more to this, but for now, have this update.)

It takes three more weekends before Stiles gets curious again. Or, as Derek suspects, before he dares asking out loud what he’s been wondering for the past month.

“So, I still don’t really understand something,” Stiles says as they’re tidying up after the knitting session is over.

To Derek’s and Stiles’s surprise, it’s been fun to be there, to learn the craft and to spend time with not only Stiles but also the ladies who never missed a meeting. They have taken to bringing baked goods—apparently, both he and Stiles look like they’re not all that good at taking care of themselves, according to all of the ladies—and have patiently helped out Derek whenever he struggled if Stiles couldn’t help. He’s almost halfway through the scarf that he started§ and while there are several spots where he obviously dropped a stitch or made a mistake, he’s pretty proud of himself.

So when Stiles’s curiosity shows, Derek can’t help but worry. He doesn’t want anything to throw off the precarious peace that the knitting and the company give him. Since Stiles didn’t ask a question yet, Derek just raises an eyebrow to prompt him to continue, but he’s internally starting to panic a little.

“This,” Stiles says with a wave at the baskets, “doesn’t seem like it’s really your thing. How come you showed up that first time?”

And there it is, the perfect prompt for the excuses that Derek’s been thinking up over the weeks. But Stiles’s face is so genuinely curious that he can’t help but think of the mistake he made, which makes his whole face heat up.

“Okay, what?” Stiles immediately asks, because of course he wouldn’t miss the blush in Derek’s face. “Is this like, some sort of weird werewolf thing? Is knitting a kink or something?”

“What? No! How would you even… no,” Derek says a little too quickly.

“Then why do you look like I just rummaged through your online browsing history or discovered your secret journal?” Stiles asks, and he’s very clearly amused by the way Derek is flustered.

The plan was to tell Stiles that crafts were something that he used to do as a kid with his grandparents and that the memories were the reason why he showed up. Or to say that it was an attempt to distract himself from the memories that weren’t so pleasant. Or—and he wouldn’t have really been lying about that one—that it was something that a therapist recommended once upon a time. Sure, any of those would have invited questions, but Derek had contingency plans and backup stories at the ready in case Stiles decided to dig deeper.

Instead, his cheeks heat up more and he can’t stop himself from turning his gaze to the floor. He knows he looks guilty as sin and that it’s the perfect prompt for Stiles to not only keep prodding but also to come up with all different possible answers until Derek gives him one.

“Dude, seriously, it can’t be that bad,” Stiles says, and Derek looks up to see his amused face. “I mean, you did say no to the fetish thing, so….”

Stiles’s voice fades out and he lets the words hang in the air as an opening for Derek to tell him the truth.

Only, Derek hasn’t talked to anyone about his predicament which he still has no answers for, no matter how much he researched. And Stiles’s mention of browsing history hit a little too close to home, because if he did somehow manage to see Derek’s… well, Derek doesn’t want to even think about it. But now he can’t use any of the excuses he came up with, because none of them warrant the level of blushing the heat of which he still feels in his face. And Stiles isn’t stupid.

As he tries to scramble for an explanation, Stiles’s face shifts from amused and curious to pensive and confused. A moment later, Derek sees a flash of panic and then Stiles’s eyes are wide open and his cheeks turn a little darker.

“Derek? Where did you see the poster for the meeting?”

“Out by the gas station, the one about two miles out,” he says, confused by Stiles’s question.

“Oh shit,” Stiles blurts, and his cheeks get redder. “Oh. Right. Okay.”

“Stiles?”

Derek can hear Stiles’s heart hammering in his chest, and he smells a hint of embarrassment coming off of Stiles.

“Right, so,” Stiles starts. “When I typed these and had a friend make copies, I didn’t realize that there was a typo on them. And I replaced all the ones that I put up, but Dan put the one up that you saw and I didn’t know until after the meeting.”

“Right,” Derek’s voice comes out flat, as the realization starts hitting that Stiles is coming closer to getting the answer that Derek doesn’t really want to give him.

“So, you saw the poster that wasn’t properly corrected to knitting,” Stiles barges on, and Derek tries to brace himself for the moment when it all clicks. “You saw the one with the mistake. And you still showed up. Because… you’re into… some sort of hobby that involves knots?”

His voice is betraying his confusion like his mind is trying to come up with an explanation other than the obvious one.

“Dude, help me out here,” Stiles says when Derek doesn’t react. “I mean, there is more than one thing that this could be about and both of them are… well, you know I don’t do judgment. I just… is it wolf related or kink related?”

“Wolf,” Derek mumbles, and his cheeks keep feeling like they’re on fire.

Only now he also has thoughts of the other option that “knotting” could be about and well, his mind is running away with them and wondering whether they’re something that is on Stiles’s mind. Or maybe in his list of interests.

“Oh. Ooooooh,” Stiles drawls out, and Derek can hear and smell the combination of surprise, curiosity, and a hint of interest. “Is it the full shift thing?”

“Yeah,” Derek says. “I mean, it’s not like it’s… I didn’t know it was a possibility until that night in Mexico.”

“And has it��” Stiles starts, then pauses, then takes a deep breath. His fingers start plucking on a strand of yarn from the basket on the table in front of him like he needs to distract himself. “I mean, Braeden knows you’re a werewolf, so….”

Derek shakes his head, though he’s not sure what exactly it’s a reaction to. When Stiles looks at him with a confused expression, Derek takes a breath and tries to find the words to explain.

“I mean, yeah, obviously she knows I am,” he says. “But we haven’t… I mean, after Mexico, we were only together for a few months and most of those were spent trying to track down Malia’s mother and avoiding getting caught. So we haven’t really…. She doesn’t know that.”

“Oh,” Stiles says.

It’s almost like he’s relieved and Derek doesn’t understand why he would be, but he’s not about to ask. The fact that he can scent emotions is still odd for anyone in the pack, whether human or wolf. He gets it, it’s invasive at best, and uncomfortable to be aware that someone else knows things that are so private.

Normally, Derek only pays attention to the chemosignals when it’s absolutely necessary—in a fight, when trying to track someone—and not during regular conversation. But now, now he’s intrigued.

“So, you thought that there would be a meeting about this predicament that you’re in,” Stiles starts, and his face clearly shows how likely he thinks that would be. “In plain sight, like it’s no big deal.”

“There’s a pack in town and they get visitors a lot, because of where we are,” Derek explains. “And I wasn’t going to just march in and start asking questions. That’s why I was….”

He nods towards the window that’s looking out at the street where Stiles found him that first time.

“Ah yeah, lurking,” Stiles says, smirking. “It’s kind of reassuring to see that some habits haven’t left you.”

Derek frowns at him but doesn’t say anything.

“Right, so, obviously that plan didn’t work out since we’re definitely not that kind of meeting,” Stiles starts rambling again. “And I’m guessing that you haven’t found another source of information yet.”

“No,” Derek says, shaking his head. “I’m not that close to the pack here and I don’t want to make things awkward. They don’t even know I can shift fully. No one but those who were in Mexico knows that. And Cora.”

Stiles nods. Derek knows that he doesn’t need to point out that he couldn’t ask anyone in Scott’s pack about what’s happening to his body. The only ones who might know would be either Deaton—who hasn’t earned Derek’s trust—and Peter, who’s about the last person on Earth whom Derek would consider going to.

“Right. So, we should probably move this conversation somewhere a little more private,” Stiles says, glancing towards the back of the house. “If there’s a pack in town, I’m sure there are people who know, but I’m not really keen on finding out and losing this prime location due to Abby’s fear that I’m bringing in a LARPing group here next time.”

Derek nods in agreement—he’s seen the owner of the bed and breakfast, and he knows that she’s very much human—and follows Stiles outside, hands full with knitting baskets. Stiles loads them up into Roscoe. Then he turns and leans against it.

“Did you drive here today? Or can we just jump into my baby—“ he pats the baby blue metal “—and head over to my place?”

“Where is your place?” Derek asks.

It dawns on him that since Stiles is an intern-slash-trainee for the FBI, it might not be the best place to head to. Not when Derek still is likely on their wanted list.

“Here in town, actually,” Stiles says, then chuckles as Derek breathes out in relief. “During the week, I’m usually in Quantico in the dorms, but Olive—“ he refers to one of the ladies from the knitting meeting “—has graciously allowed me to stay in her guest room for the weekends. I think it’s so she can feed me some more,” he finishes with a smile.

“I’m not sure if cookies count as food,” Derek says, remembering the usual offerings from the meetings.

“Oh no, she makes a mean lasagna and there have been these delicious meatballs she made last week,” Stiles says and he looks like he’s getting lost in the memory of said meals. Then he shakes his head a bit and looks back at Derek. “Right, let’s grab the rest of the stuff and head to mine. I’m sure once she gets wind of you being over, there will be an extra portion set aside for you.”

Derek shrugs, follows Stiles back inside the house and grabs a few of the baskets, ignoring Stiles’s muttered “show-off”. When the room is cleared, the supplies all loaded into Roscoe, and the chairs back to their pre-meeting positions, they head out. Stiles glances around the street for cars, then looks at Derek with narrowed eyes.

“Seriously, did you run here?”

“Only from the store,” Derek says, nodding towards the end of the street. “Didn’t want to block the driveway like last week.”

“Served you right for parking right in front of Alice’s truck,” Stiles says, grinning. “That woman drives like a maniac.”

Derek lifts an eyebrow, smiling.

“Hey,” Stiles immediately protests. “Roscoe doesn’t manage those speeds and I wouldn’t try to cut off everything that’s on the road. She did that with an ambulance a few weeks ago, claiming that she was in more of a rush.”

Derek continues looking at Stiles without a word.

“It had the lights flashing!”

“Because your Dad never had them going on the cruiser,” Derek says, chuckling at Stiles’s outraged expression.

“I did not!”

Derek raises his hands, palms out, in surrender. Then he looks towards the Jeep.

“Okay, want me to follow you, or will you drop me back to my car later?”

Stiles shakes his head. Then he starts towards Roscoe and looks over his shoulder back at Derek.

“I’ll bring you back. It’s only a block away from the store anyway,” he says, and Derek nods as he follows him to the Jeep.

#wipweek #wip week #sterek fic #sterek #eternalsterek

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wordsinwinters · 7 years ago

Text

Then Again, P7 Peter Parker x Reader

Author’s Note: To everyone reading and favoriting this story, thank you! I can’t express how happy I am to see each note and message.

Though I’d love to fumble through my gratitude further, this is a big chapter, so I’ll end my rambles here for now.

Let me know what you think!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

Then Again, Part 7:

(Words: 3,059)

I often expect too much, set my sights a little too high. I know this, so I always prepare myself in case nothing goes according to plan.

For example: I had hoped this second annual break-into-the-hotel-pool activity would be easy, that everyone would come willingly, and we would have fun before the tournament tomorrow. Still, I prepared myself for a few bumps. For example, if Peter refused, if the entire thing flopped because everyone was worried about getting enough sleep, or if someone in the hotel caught us and reported it to Mr. Harrington, I was prepared.

Strangely enough, everyone crept out on time and Peter barely hesitated at all. Well, Michelle did force him from the start and headed off his first protest too quickly for him to find another: “Dude, just say you’ve been working out. Nobody’s going to get suspicious because you’re jacked. Even Flash can’t turn that,” she motioned to Peter’s entire body, “into a joke.”

Yet I’m more uneasy now than if everything had gone wrong. I’m not even concerned about getting caught. Mr. Harrington is watching Jurassic Park in his room and checking the hallway at ten-minute intervals and I’m almost certain the hotel staff knows we’re here, but doesn’t care.

Nevertheless, I’m just… anxious.

It might have to do with how the boys are stacked upon one another in the shallow end for Chicken and, given the small area of the pool, injuries are on the table. It might have to do with Flash’s new habit of winking at me and being, in general, maddeningly obnoxious. It might also have to do with the fact that my friends are being abnormally secretive. (I hate to use Flash’s words, but he’s sort of right. It’s the best description. Even once I got back in my room, MJ and Ned kept sending texts - I have no idea who to, though I would guess between them and Peter.)

Admittedly, my nerves might also be connected to Liz, whose face I can see across the water. As our Captain, Michelle thought it would be nice to Facetime her, ask about college, and show her that her pool idea has become a tradition.

Liz’s dorm room is beautiful, from what I can make out. She has calendars and planners neatly pinned up with Christmas lights to outline them. Photos hang from mini clothespins on a string and she even has a little library set up on her windowsill with a porcelain cat-shaped bookend. It’s like a freaking Pinterest photo. I’ve always been somewhat jealous of her, but I know that outside of some old disagreement and my envy for her style and Peter’s (old? current?) crush on her, I am glad she seems happy. Everyone knows how much she’s been going through.

As Abe and Peter pretend to duke it out on Flash and Ned’s shoulders, the light of Liz from Michelle’s phone skips through the ripples, illuminating them just so. I keep zoning out and staring at the pattern. I feel weird staying on the other side of the pool with her there, but I don’t know Liz that well outside of the team and truth be told, she always intimidated me. She just… has things together. Even now. She’s wonderful and precise and good in every way a person can be. I feel minuscule by comparison.

Then again, it might be the overwhelming smell of chlorine that’s getting into my head and putting me off. Plus, all the glints of light swimming across the glass walls - making them reflect further like a hall of mirrors - are beginning to strain my eyes. Part of me just wants to sleep. To climb out from the water, change into some pajamas, and go to bed and forget this.

But I can’t. So I tread water alone in the corner, watching and listening and feeling like an idiot for isolating myself.

Does anyone want you here in the first place?

Stop thinking like that.

I try to listen to Liz’s voice as a distraction. It’s muffled with echo, but it’s audible.

“With my AP scores, a bunch of my gen ed credits are already taken care of. But I want to take my other gen eds seriously. I have Global Ethics, Statistics, and World Journalism on Mondays and Wednesdays, then Into to Biological Chemistry and Public Relations on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

The words bounce from wall to wall, shadowing splashes and voices and little bright doses of laughter from the boys. I close my eyes for three seconds as if to catalog the moment. I have to admit, it’s pretty much perfect.

Then why do I feel so nervous?

In the same way that some days just feel so good, some nights just really, really don’t.

Flash catches my eye. God, here we go. He’s smirking.

“Hey!” he calls. “Y/N, you should join in! Hold on, let me clear you a spot.”

He jerks his body back to make Abe fall from his shoulders, hitting the water with a hard splash.

“There, now you have a place to sit,” Flash says, patting his own shoulders.

Abe stands up, shaking water from his ears before shoving Flash underwater. Ned laughs as Flash comes back up sputtering. Peter, on Ned’s shoulders, has little reaction. Michelle rolls her eyes and turns back to the girls’ conversation.

“It’s more fun watching, trust me.” Watching Peter shirtless, my brain adds.

Stop thinking about him. Despite his smile this morning (it was idiotic of me to think it meant anything significant), Peter has remained pretty cold to me today. Just like everyone else.

Michelle looks back our way again.

“Y/N and I will play,” she decides.

If I had more energy, if I weren’t feeling so despondent, and if it wasn’t her this-is-happening-don’t-argue voice, I might put up a better fight. Instead, I give a quiet defeated groan and make my way over to the shallow end. Most times it’s easier to do as she says.

“Michelle in a chicken fight?” Liz laughs, her voice reverberating on all sides of my head. “I can’t wait to see this.”

“Oh, no,” Michelle answers as she shakes her head. “Y/N is up top. I’m not getting involved in that business.”

I sigh.

“Abe, mind if I fight Flash this round?” I ask.

If I have to do this, I want to be against the one person I wouldn’t mind actually fighting.

“I think I’ll sit this one out,” Abe says. “I’m sick of him. Plus, if he has the chance, I know he’ll piss on me.”

Despite my exhaustion, I can’t help laughing a little. It’s definitely true. But if Abe sits out, there’s no chance that Ned or Peter will team up with Flash.

Flash knows this too. Shrugging, he follows Abe away from the center, saying hello to Liz.

Shit.

I climb onto Michelle’s shoulders, the air making me shiver, my ankles hanging just low enough to stay in the warm water. I stare blankly at the situation. It’s me and Michelle, Peter and Ned. And I’ve barely spoken to them since they all locked me out earlier. I wouldn’t want to disrupt their texting.

I do my best not to tug Michelle’s hair as I steady myself.

Now what?

Everybody else is talking again, Liz included. I’m glad their attention is elsewhere.

Staring at Peter, who’s staring at me, it’s clear neither of us knows what to do. Things have definitely gotten stale and weird between us over the last day, and weirder still over the last few hours. I feel like an idiot. But I’d be a moron to think it’s all because of that stupid hug. Something in our friendship is stuttering, I can feel it faltering and falling away.

Abruptly unstable ground - that’s what it is, I realize, looking at him. And everybody has been able to see it coming but me. How else could Flash see it?

Thinking of all the shitty ways Peter has ignored me today, yesterday, and this past week, I shove him with as much force as I can muster, knowing it’ll be nothing to him anyway.

Peter’s legs are over his head a moment later. If it were a real fall, it would have been instant. The rippling disturbance of the water churns up more chlorine fumes. I can feel a headache germinating at the base of my skull.

“Come on, Peter,” I say while he stands and pushes wet hair out of his eyes. “Don’t pretend to let me win.”

“You caught me off guard,” he says. All of the prior playful attitude he had with Abe is gone. He’s trying - I can actually see him trying - to seem blank.

What is his problem with me?

“No, I didn’t. Don’t lie. Get back up.”

He does. Ned’s expression is unreadable for once. Michelle pats my leg.

Ned and Michelle actually move around this time, both stepping to one side or the other with half steps back and forward. Peter keeps his hands on his knees, looking bored and glancing from MJ to her phone behind us. He won’t even look at me.

It pisses me off.

Michelle rolls one shoulder before lunging forward - a little hint. I shove Peter again, now resenting how stiff his muscles are beneath his stupid skin. And again he falls sideways, though faster this time.

Flash is whooping and making some stupid comment. Liz gives a surprised, “Oh, wow.” Sally and Cindy are talking, but I can’t tell whether it’s to me or someone else. Peter’s splash is echoing too much to hear a lot at the moment.

He stands up. His hands go to his hair. He looks at me and shrugs like Got me again, I guess.

The chlorine scent is hanging heavily over the room now like a pillow being slowly forced into my face. My headache pulses and creeps up behind my ear, beating my bone like a thick drum.

“Peter,” I say, teeth grinding, “this is going to get boring pretty quickly if you keep this up. Push back. Don’t you dare ‘let me win.’ I’m serious.”

My jaw is clenching as I try to pack my anger down into a little box between my ribs. A pressurized numbness climbs up my throat.

Shove it down.

Peter says nothing in reply but mounts Ned’s shoulders again. Ned is looking at Michelle, and though I can’t see her face, I know they’re having a silent conversation.

I nudge Michelle with my heel and she lunges forward again. I shove Peter’s left shoulder as hard as I can. Both shoulders hit the water at the same time. I know that no matter how hard I could ever hit him, it wouldn’t bother him a bit, yet the fact he’s clearly not even trying to play this one game that he was just playing with Flash and Abe is burning and biting at my tongue.

Peter stands lazily as if silently offering a forfeit.

Maybe he wants to get this game over with so he can talk to Liz.

“Get up, Peter,” I say as frustration spreads like fire through the ligaments of my arms. My irritation has reached my hairline.

Last week, I would never have doubted my friendship with Peter. Suddenly, I’m almost certain he wants nothing to do with me anymore. It scares me. A familiar dense pain pools in my lungs, a physical weight knocking my ribs into one another.

How did everything go so wrong so quickly?

Peter doesn’t move. I could kill him.

“Peter! Get up! Fight back, do something! This isn’t funny anymore. Why won’t you just do something?”

At last, he looks me straight in the eye.

“What?” he shoots back. “What do you want me to do?”

He’s angry now too, blatantly. It’s worse than last night. I can see it, a red patch of irritation growing from his chest up to his neck. Neither of us has ever gotten like this. We’re not the kind of people who do. Not with one another, and certainly not in front of other people.

It’s a violently refreshing change: honesty.

“Anything! Stop messing around,” I say. “Just play the fucking game.”

“Maybe I’m sick of it,” he says, his hands open. “This whole stupid idea! I’m not playing anymore.”

What is he talking about? It’s been barely a minute of this game.

“MJ,” I say, “let me down.”

“Alright.”

She jerks back like Flash did to Abe. The water stings through my nostrils and the lining of my lungs. Is this just MJ being MJ or is she angry at me, too? And what about Ned, could he be mad at me?

What have they all been calling and texting each other about?

I wipe water from my face and open my eyes, stinging.

“Come on, Peter, play a game,” I mock, moving closer to him. He just stands there. “Play a game.”

I’ve been playing some sort of game for at least 24 hours now, maybe over a week, maybe even longer. He can too.

Peter doesn’t move a millimeter. I shove him. Nothing. His expression remains blank. He doesn’t fall, he doesn’t budge.

“Peter!”

I shove him again.

Nothing.

Michelle and Ned are creeping out of the water. Their waves are the only sound besides my echoing shout in the whole room. God, this is bad. I know starting some kind of fight isn’t going to increase my chances of leaving D.C. with any friends, but I almost can’t stop myself. I have to do something.

I move closer, face burning with an itch of fury.

“What?” he says.

Michelle and Ned, blurry reflections I can see from the glass wall behind Peter, have grabbed their towels and are walking through the door.

Damn it. Where are they going?

Something is crushing inside my chest. I can feel my eyes brimming with tears.

Shove. Them. Down. I will not angry cry in front of my classmates right now. Absolutely not. Especially not with Flash and Liz here.

My hands start shaking instead as I grapple for a reply.

“Just- just do something, Peter!”

The muscles in his jaw are working and pulsing. I wonder what words he’s chewing - of course, I’ll likely never know because it seems Peter is refusing to tell me anything.

“That’s just it!” he shouts back. “What do you want me to do?!”

That something in my chest is spasming, collapsing.

Peter’s chest is heaving and the red has reached his face. His words are fogging up my already pounding head.

That’s just it. What do you want me to do?

There are too many people here and as I notice their reflections standing over Peter’s shoulders with eyes glued to his face and my back, I realize I’ve just lost them too. In only the span of a couple minutes. The understanding hits me over the head and slices through my gut. I’ve ruined everything with everyone here, not just Peter and Ned and Michelle. They’ve never seen me like this and it’s too late to pretend to reverse it. There’s no way I’ll leave this trip with any friends.

It takes every particle of concentration to not let my emotions get the better of me and cry; especially when I’m still staring at Peter. The brown of his eyes seems darker than I’ve ever seen before and his brow is knotted up, hard.

The moment is so still and static.

Without warning, Peter smacks the water in front of me with one hand. It’s like a lukewarm tidal wave washing over my head, tangling my hair across my face.

My nose and lungs burn again. I gasped at the wrong second. In less than a moment though, it’s doused my nerves. I suddenly feel smaller than a child, humiliated.

“Are you kidding?”

I don’t know if he or anyone hears me. The question was quiet and overcome by countless echoing splashes. It’s for the best: nobody can see my chin shaking at this distance so maybe if they didn’t hear the crack in my voice, I can pull myself together.

Guilt and regret seep into my skin as Peter climbs out of the pool. I want to apologize, but apologize for what? And fear, fear is mixing with those other emotions. A mountain of blurred emotions coated in black dread and red fear.

I take a breath and turn around.

Fuck.

Cindy, Sally, Abe, and Flash are just… staring. Worse, Liz is too. Of course, Michelle forgets her phone this one time.

The door closes with a bang behind Peter.

His towel is slung over one shoulder and water droplets spatter across the hallway floor as he storms through it. If I could get over him, if I could stop thinking about him for one day, stop thinking about him for one minute, my heart rate wouldn’t be leaping off the charts as I watch him. Actually, my heart rate might just be a result of me realizing how serious this is. The fact that four faces are still staring, now waiting for me to explode, likely doesn’t help slow it down either.

“Guys,” Liz’s voice calls. “Come on. Don’t make this weird.”

Flash laughs. Hard.

“It’s super weird completely on its own! Man, what was that?”

Tension loosening its hold on the room, Flash is back to himself, looking astonished and amused beyond belief.

“Flash, seriously. Let it be,” Liz snaps at him. When she looks at me, her expression softens. “Don’t let Peter Parker get in your head. He can… be like that sometimes. He might just be going through something.”

I know what he’s like, I think. I’ve been friends with him for longer than one Homecoming date. Liz is trying, at least, and I do appreciate the thought.

“Yeah,” I say, nodding.

She mirrors the motion.

“I should go before my roommate gets back to study. And Y/N, if you ever want to talk, I’d like to hear from you again. From any of you guys. Anyway, good luck everyone! I’m sure tomorrow will be great.”

The room dissolves into Goodbye!’s. I use the distraction to get my towel and phone and slip out.

What have I done?

Part 8

Next Update: Friday, October 20

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I’d love to hear from you!

Also - if you want to be added to the tag list, reply to this post or send me a message.

And I apologize for the typos I’m sure were in this part. I didn’t have much time to proofread.

@allyouhadstodowasstay @profmmcgonagall @peterparkerismybeing @look-how-far-i-come @i-love-superhero

#peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker imagine #infinity war #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland x you #spiderman x reader #spider-man x reader #spiderman imagine #spider-man imagine #part 7 #then again

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just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms · 7 years ago

Text

Sanity is Relative Chapter 5

Catch up on this series!!

Characters: Darby, Ema, Sam, and Dean

Word Count: 2,000

Written by @uttertrash--butlikecutetrash and @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms

Chapter Five

Darby

2 weeks.

It had been 2 weeks since the incident in the art room. My head is healing fine. I had a mild concussion and a small cut on the back of my head. Apparently it bled like crazy but it just seemed a lot worse than it actually was.

What is truly worse than the cut on my head is my mental state. Barely ate, never slept. That gnawing sadness crept back into my head instantly. I haven’t left my room since the night that it happened. Well, that wasn’t true. You see, I found a piece of broken mirror while in the hospital…. When you leave the ward and come back they are supposed to strip search you. I guess they took pity on me considering why I left. But a day later they learned to never trust me again. I took that lovely piece of broken mirror and cut three nice long, thick slices into the back of my thigh. When you do that in a nut house you lose privileges. Like the privilege of having your own room without constant surveillance…. and pants. I’ve been in this gown for about a week and a half now.

Even as I write this I have a nurse watching my every scribble, ready to launch into action if I should decide that pen to the jugular is the way to go. Not the way I want to go, by the way. But I am ready to leave at any time…

A clearing throat drew me from my journaling. I looked up to see a shy Ema waving from the door frame.

I quickly whip a blanket over my legs and give her a sheepish grin in return.

“Can I come in?” Ema asked the nurse quietly.

“I have to pat you down first,” she replied.

Ema rolled her eyes, “Oh come on Gina. You’ve known me for 2 years now. Do you really have to pat me down?” Gina the nurse stood with a nod and began to feel Ema for what I assume was sharp objects that I could hurt myself with. “You could at least buy me a drink first.” Ema sassed and Gina laughed.

I honestly had no idea Ema had a mouth on her.

As Ema sat on the foot of the bed I handed my journal and pen to Gina, “Can you give us like 20 minutes alone?” Gina took what was in my hands and shook her head. “Oh come on. I haven’t had a real human interaction in weeks. Please?” I gave an exaggerated pout and batted my lashes.

Gina rolled her eyes, “you get 5 minutes. I have to go get clean dressing for your thigh.” Ema and I smiled and gave her a salute as she walked out of the door.

“How are you feeling?” Ema asked quietly. I shrugged in response. “I sensed your energy was dark and—“

“Em, you know that sensing energy stuff isn’t real, right?” I give her a woeful look as I cut her off, “It’s just a product of your mental illness.”

Ema lips pulled into a tight line and she nodded. She scratched at the side of her face before continuing, “but you aren’t doing well, are you?”

I scoffed, “Of course I’m not. I’m stuck in this fucking room for another week. I am forbidden from having pants and underwear while I’m in this damn room, and in all honesty, I just want to die.”

The last sentence stung. It always stung to say that out loud. But it’s how I felt. It was real.

“Did you try to…”

“Kill myself again?” I raised my eyebrow and Ema nodded. A sigh escaped my lips and I shook my head. “No. No I just… I wanted to take my body back. James tried to take my skin from me, tried to take control…. So I took it back. I took back the control….”

“That is a terrible coping mechanism, Darby.”

I laughed, “No shit.”

Ema chuckled a little to my response and put her hand on mine. Suddenly a warm, soothing feeling washed over me. I felt calmer than I had in weeks. Who knew all I needed was some person to person contact to start to feel right again. Well, as right as I could.

“I’m going to be honest,” Ema tucked one of her curls behind her ear, “Sam and Dean asked me to pop in to see how you are.”

“They did?” I sat up a little straighter at the sounds of their names.

Ema smiled widely and nodded, “They sure did. They have been very concerned about you since you left. Especially Dean.”

I chewed on my bottom lip a little bit before smiling, “Dean is concerned for me?” Ema nodded again. A warm, butterfly sensation grew in my gut. I tried to quell it quickly. “He’s still kind of a tool. Like a really, really pretty tool.”

This caused Ema to burst into laughter. She laughed so hard tears fell from her eyes. “He kind of is.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks, “But he still saved you.”

I rang my hands together a little and that warm bitch of a butterfly grew fiercer in my gut. I couldn’t speak for a moment. Suddenly too aware of my tongue. When I finally opened my mouth my voice was small and very unlike itself.

“Tell them I said thank you.”

“Of course.”

The nurses footsteps could be heard coming down the hall. Ema stood from the bed and then came over and gave me a hug. She was so warm and smelled like springtime. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.

“I’m sorry I called you a schizo that night, Em.” She pulled back from the hug slightly to look at my face. I chewed my lip once more and sighed. “I was an asshole, you didn’t deserve that.”

Ema’s big blue eyes stared into me. I swear they could see into my very soul. She planted a soft kiss on my forehead. “I forgive you.”

I wrapped her up tight in a hug again. “We should do some bonding when I get out of here.”

“I’d like that.” Ema’s voice sounded like it had tears in it, but happy ones. “What shall we do?”

I glanced over to the door to make sure we were still alone before I continued. I whispered in her ear, “Let’s break into the records room and see what brought our knights in shining armor to this facility. I don’t know about you but I want to know more about these two that came out of nowhere and saved us.”

Ema pulled back and looked at me with a mischievous grin, “I like the way you think, Darby.”

———————

Ema

Walking away from Darby’s room I couldn’t help but smile. She was warmer as I left than when I came to her. She felt some of the light, some of the hope. I know it won’t cure her, there is too much pain and darkness for a few hugs to fix. Looks like I really can heal. What my mind was really focusing on was Darby’s idea of an adventure. Sure, I wanted to bond more with her after everything that happened, but the records room seems a little too extreme.

The more I thought about it though, these boys did need some looking into. Darby wasn’t the only one to hear them talk about a hunt weeks back in the day room. And I have a strange feeling that my energy surge didn’t just contain itself to our room.

Maybe they noticed something? Maybe they have a mission to complete here? Dean definitely seemed to be fighting all of this more than Sam. But Sam also had a warmer energy than Dean did. Either way though, something about them needed explaining.

When I got back to my room I grabbed my journals and climbed into bed. Each had a different purpose. One was for how my day went. Another was for my adventures in my imaginary world. The final one contained all my witchcraft adventures. As I opened the witchy book, I picked up where I had left off.

That surge, that power. It was so empowering and terrifying all at the same time. One day maybe I’ll be able to figure out if it’s all real. Sure, I had the fact that I physically threw people across the room. But in all honesty, this sort of thing has happened entirely in my head and not in reality and I’ve never known the difference. The life of my brain is not an easy one.

“You’re beautiful.” “You’re kind.” “You’re powerful.” All of them were followed with even louder voices. “You’re crazy.” “You’re broken.” “Why are you such a disaster?” “Don’t you know it’s not real?” All of it keeps coming in waves and waves. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know who’s really talking to me, the person across from me or the voices in my head. Nothing is normal. Nothing is easy. Nothing is good. It’s all the voices seem to scream.

Rarely, I got a good voice. I got Matthew’s voice. He always knew how to reassure me and build me up in a way that was genuine and amazing. He never treated me different for what I heard. He never made me feel like I was abnormal. Most days he even tried to encourage my adventures. Matthew used to sit there and listen to me ramble on and on about what happened in my head, and he would love every minute of it. He would praise me for my bravery. He would give me ideas on how to conquer my demons.

Matthew always knew how to see me when I felt invisible. His embrace...it pulled back all of my broken pieces. I was warm, I was safe, and I was whole.

The doctors always give me a look when I talk about him. Friends say he sounds too good to be true. I can see him, and feel him. I know he’s there. But I get the impression though that others can’t. But somehow, in my gut,I know he was real. Why else would it have hurt so profoundly when he died?

I honestly don’t know if anything is real. Darby, Sam, the doctors...they might all be right. I’m a schizo, not a witch. Not a conqueror of all that is powerful and mystical. I’m not forever grieving a lost love. I’m a nut case in a nut house. That’s it.

I’m a freak. I’m better off being alone. Darby needs to heal. Not get let down by some basket case. I am so tired of pretending that I’m okay. I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m not. I’m weak. I’m damaged. And I’m broken.

It wasn’t until I re-read my entry that I realized it had gone from witchcraft to things I usually put in my other journal about my day. As a witch, in that part of my head and world it was all real. My adventures, they were all real. But my journal about my day, that’s where the darkness screams out. I hate being this way. I hate having zero control on what my mind will do next. I hate not knowing what is reality and what isn’t. I hate hurting so much that every fiber of your being and existence is crying with you.

I was right in my entry. Darby needed someone who could help her actually heal. Not someone who thought they could cure her with magical hugs.

Get ready for more! Let us know if you want to be tagged!!!

Sanity is relative tags: @growingupgeek @emoryhemsworth @love-kittykat21 @oneshoeshort @supernatural-fangirl13

#dean winchester #sam winchester #spn ofc series #new spn series #ofc fic

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euphoriacrossing · 5 years ago

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Okay so I am thinking of decorating my 3DS just to give me something else to do for a bit.

To start off, I'll say that I have had it rough lately. My mental health is really poor right now, my actual physical health isn't much better, I have just really been struggling and anyone who knows what it is like to struggle, knows boredom is the enemy. An idle mind is a breeding ground for flashbacks, anxious thoughts, and depression, it gives it a cool, damp place to mold over your mind and fester. Staying busy is just key.

Lately, my obsession with Animal Crossing has made it hard to do much of anything not having to do with it and especially hard to want to do any creative projects unless you count my journal, which you might, I kind of do, but still that's just one project I've been working on. I've been doing that, and playing Pocket Camp and Happy Home Designer, oh and coming on here of course. And my AC twitter, and occasionally my Facebook group. Every now and then I need a break from playing games, though, and I need a more hands on, involved project. Usually that would be my journal, but today I just can't think of what pages I need to make. My dad is helping me with a lot of things, like using the label maker (he is getting me new tape for it and going to help me label what I need to), and possibly making layouts on the computer and such to print out. But he isn't off today so those parts are on hold.

And so I just kind of had this brilliant idea just now to decorate my 3DS since it's still plain looking and I've had it forever and maybe it would even cheer me up a bit to have it look all cute and spiffy, because for some reason, the cuter something is the more fun I have using it. Like a really cute pen that writes even just averagely well is more fun to use than a boring dull like promotional dr's office pen or something like that, even if that pen writes better. Cute or decorated things are just fun.

And okay, I decided not to put decals on my switch, because I just don't want to risk making it look cluttered or tacky or something like that, not right now anyway. I got new pink and green joy-cons last month, and the little caps that go on the joy sticks, so it does look cute to me, but it has this cool clean look to it right now I don't want to mess up yet. And I don't want to decorate it with AC decals and the in six months maybe not be as into Animal Crossing and then either have to deal with it or take the stickers and decals off leaving residue or whatever. I /might/ get some switch decals that are more general like flowers or hearts or something like that and put those on there but I have to think about what kind I want a little more, and I can't get them this month because as early as it is, I'm already over budget for the month. (Yes, I know it's only the 4th, I'm a piece of trash who can't control her spending, alright?) But yeah. So in summary so far, I want something to decorate but I decided against AC decals for my switch (and so I actually used my decals on my journal) so I have nothing to decorate my switch with even if I wanted to right now. Might get more general decals for my switch in the future, not sure, but for now, I only have regular stickers.

BUT I do have my 3DS still and I will have it indefinitely since Switches aren't backwards compatible. It's older of course but in good shape. It's not so shiny and new I'd be afraid of "messing it up" or anything. BUT I don't have anymore tech decals so what I pick for it would potentially be permanent.

That being said, a few years ago (after they were relevant, like DS's had already come out for sure) I put stick on jewels all over my gameboy SP in the shape of my first initial. It really made it more fun for me to use and I love the decoration still to this day even though now I more commonly go by my middle name, so it's a /little/ obsolete at this point, still, I had fun doing it and I would make the same decision again. The gems are falling off a bit and they do leave behind residue, so the job was for all intents and purposes a permanent one. I did it at the time knowing I could ruin it completely and that I wouldn't really be able to change it in the future, and with the stickers I'd be using (no tech decals and no stick on gems either unfortunately) it would likely be a similar case. If I choose to do it, it will be just how my 3DS looks now until it becomes unusable which is hopefully quite a while.

I am kinda going back and forth on it, though still. One, 3DS's are still pretty useful, they have a lot of good games on them that the switch can't play. New Leaf and my new fave Happy Home Designer among many other titles that I'm not ready to part with like Style Savvy (yes, I played Style Savvy, I started playing it at a very special time in my life and I REALLY grew to like it a lot quite quickly, so while I don't know what age group it's intended for, I am still a big fan even as an adult). Since backwards compatibility stopped being a thing, I have to hope my 3ds will be with me for a very long time. So that makes me hesitant to decorate it in a way that very well could be permanent. But then it's nice that I have a switch now and it is what I mainly game on, so I think if I lost my 3ds I would be devastated for a few days but I'd recover quickly, though since I DO have a newer gaming system. If I lost my switch at this point, I wouldn't recover easily at all. I'd be LOST without it, as it is my main gaming system and it serves as a huge distraction for me. The switch despite no backwards compatibility can kinda serve as "replacement" for my DS, but my 3DS could not do the same if I lost my switch. Which is why I am more hesitant to decorate my switch, it's just frankly more important to me right now. And the fact I have my switch, that is what makes the 3DS now something I can take anywhere without too much fear of losing it, because I'd be able to get over it. And it's definitely more portable than the switch. It's just more expendable I guess? Which is why I would even consider putting regulat stickers on it.

So to summarize a bit on that I do hope my 3DS still has a long life ahead of it with me and so I am hesitant to permanently change it's looks right now, BUT it also is technically a bit expendable and I have a pristine nice new looking gaming system in my switch, so I could spiff it up a bit and no matter how the end result turned out it would be okay I guess.

And I mean, I definitely remember how GOOD it felt to use my SP after I decorated it, even compared to playing on it before. Hell, it's been nice to use my Switch since I got the pretty new joy cons in the colors I wanted (well I REALLY wanted the AC switch joy con colors, but I settled for the ones I wanted BEFORE AC switch came out, lol). It feels nice to use cute things and doubly nice if you had a hand in making them as cute as they are.

Is this making sense? I know I am rambling and I'm sorry. If you have read this far, or even skimmed all of this, you're a superstar, here have this thumb up, medal, and star. 👍🏅⭐ I love you. You're a super star! 💫💖😁

Anyway. If any of that made any sense... if anyone read it, or even read some of it and get the gist, please feel free to reply and answer some of the questions I'm about to ask or give your feedback.

One, would YOU decorate your 3DS in my situation? Two, do you decorate your gaming systems, like is your switch decorates or did you decorate your 3ds? Three, most importantly, give me ideas for how you think I should decorate it! I have all kind of stickers, literally thousands. I could decorate it with the Animal Crossing stickers I have, I could decorate it with animals, I could use hearts and stars, I could find a sassy quote, I have flowers, I have plants, I have kawaii things, I have stick on letters, really just all kinds of stickers so give me some ideas and if I decide to decorate it I will definitely share the end results. I probably will, I just wanted to make sure I weighed the pros and cons and all that first since I really don't think these stickers will come off my DS so it's a bit of a permanent decision.

Anyway, hope you're having a great day! Practice self-love, drink plenty of water, make sure to eat when you're hungry, take eye rest breaks while playing video games, be kind to others and remember, you're amazing! 😁❤

#3DS #Nintendo Switch #DS #decoration #stickers #personal

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thoughtsfeelingsjustblah · 5 years ago

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10/25/19

I need to start writing blog/journal entries more often. Blogging helped me through some stressful times. Not that i’m very stressed at the moment, but it’s still nice to have a way to get everything out of your head. Being bipolar, I often have a million thoughts racing through my mind. Good and bad.

Looking forward to having the Halloween party tomorrow. Going to put dry ice in on of the empty vents, to make a steam effect. Got a black light for the living room and one for the dining room or hall, undecided. Got red and blue lights for the kitchen, dining room, and bathroom. Going for the dark effect, not bright lights. Hope people will see the toilet... lol Should be able to.

Going to get some liquor tomorrow, the liquor cabinet is getting pretty empty lately. Need fireball, jaeger and tequila for shot. Probably more vodka and rum for mixed drinks. Making a rum punch, since I picked up a couple punch bowl sets. I’m thinking rum, coconut rum if cheap enough, orange juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice and a tiny bit of grapefruit juice. Add lemon lime soda, and there’s rum punch. My own recipe idea. The other one, stole the idea from the internet. Vodka, orange juice, pineapple juice and lemon lime soda. Maybe a small amount of moonshine for an extra kick. Then, hoping to get a couple cases of beer, wine coolers, twisted tea.

I don’t know why, but i’ve been thinking about my Mom today. I was remembering how I felt the night that my brothers and I were given the news that something was found on her brain. Either a tumor or an aneurysm, and she refused to look into it to find out for sure. Then the doctor said with her age and health, it may be too risky to do any sort of surgery anyway. My heart sank. I knew the end was approaching. She lived a few years longer, but I continuously worried about losing her. Why does my mind put me through this? Revisiting memories i’d rather not revisit. Also, having dreams of her being alive and dying all over again. It’s like losing her again and again. The only positive thing about her passing is that I no longer worry constantly about losing her. It’s an odd feeling, and I feel weird saying that.

ENOUGH of that.

I’m kinda enjoy the cool weather of Fall this year. Sucks to let go of Summer, but really when I think about it, we had a really good and active Summer. and before we know it, it’ll be Spring again. Years fly by anymore. Sad really. Getting older is the only bad thing about it, I suppose. That why I like to live in the moment a lot. Live as much as I can while i’m relatively young. I think 39/40 is still young”ish”. 40, though. It feels weird getting close to turning 40. I just don’t feel 40, at all. Maybe i’m immature. And i’m fine with that. But I just don’t feel my age. I’m told I don’t look my age. But I fear that aging is going to one day catch up to me, all of a sudden. lol

I’ve made a couple new friends lately. One, I met through my friend Kristy. She seems pretty cool, and says she wants to hang out. But never comes to any of our get togethers. I guess she just wants to hang out one on one. She may be uncomfortable with crowds. Another friend, same thing, she seems uncomfortable with the whole crowd thing and wants to hang out just her and I, it seems. I get that to an extent. I’d probably feel awkward walking into a get together really knowing noone. I have done that, many years ago. But I don’t know if i’d do it now or not. Also met a couple that just moved here from up north. They seem cool. Thinking about inviting them to the party tomorrow, if they can get a sitter.

I have to make those jello shots tonight. Orange screwdriver, maybe with vodka and strawberry daquiri. Also have to make hor duerves. Hoping to make deli pinwheels sandwiches, sausage balls, meat and cheese platter. Starting the pork carnitas tonight, letting them slow cook. Love those things, and it’s one of the easiest things to make for a crowd. Fairly economical, too. Nathan bought something that looks like an ice shot glass maker? Going to have to ask him to be sure. Ice shot glasses are cool, had a shot from one at the Ice Bar in Orlando. But I feel like people are going to not think and just set them down, creating a huge mess all over the place. lol Hoping not. Hoping they make their way to the sink. lol

I think I might invite the new couple to the party. I have to watch how many more people I invite. Already not going to have seating for everyone. As much as I love to entertain, I need a BIG house. lol But, I make do with what i’ve got. I’ve always loved hosting parties. One of the reasons I was excited to move to Virginia was to be near my Mom’s side of the family. I imagined having these big family dinner and cookouts. Got here and, nope! Noone wanted to come to anything I planned. So I stopped trying. I just got back into hosting parties, cookouts and get togethers within the last year. Have made some great new friends, reconnected with some old friends. Made a new very special friend. :)It’s been great.

Speaking of a lot of people. I over invited for Thanksgiving. I invited too many people to be able to seat. Fingers crossed that the weather will be decent, and we can use two tables on the back porch for some of us. We should have plenty of food, just not enough seats. Me personally, I can sit on the floor. Others may not want to do that.

We are trying to get the dining room set up today. I don’t think we will have it perfect by tomorrow, but i’m hoping it will be useable, anyway. I’d like to put the punch and jello shots on the small kitchen table and put all the food on the bigger dining room table. I can’t wait o have that room just the way I want it, decorated and all. I need to go through the boxes and bags in the basement that came from my old apartment. I have pictures and decorations that I didn’t have room for, they should go well in the dining room. Some of them, anyway. My little apartment was so cute, I miss it! I lived alone, so it was super easy to keep spotlessly clean, unlike it is here. This place is a dust magnet (I have dust allergies) and it’s hard to keep things in their place with other people living here. Erggh.

I don’t imagine anyone is going to read all this. lol I tend to ramble and write a lot, it just flows naturally. I’d love to try to write one day. A semi-anonymous life story, mostly just my childhood and dealing with a mentally ill mother and dysfunctional family. But, i’d like to try fiction, too. Start writing down my weird dreams and make a book out of it. lol

Gonna stop rambling now, a lot to do! <3

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purplejeeplife · 8 years ago

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Hiking, a pee skirt, and other ramblings

Yesterday was spend doing laundry, sorting my storage unit to label and have my clothes containers at arms reach. It took longer than expected and when I got done, I went just a short 1-2 miles where a few hiking trailheads are. Now, to the average person, going to an average trailhead may not be a big deal. But, let me talk about transportation. Having this jeep is an enormous change. It used to be that when I wanted to go hiking, it would take me 3-4 hours round trip just to GET THERE. I lived in a much bigger city a little over 30 miles away where there isn’t actual hiking in that city. I would first take the bus to the train to the downtown transit center where I would then grab another hour long bus ride, and then a 20 min uphill walk just to get to the trailheads to get to my hiking destination. My favorite hike takes about an hour to the top, and I like to stay up there and stare at the mountains, meditate or journal. One time I was up there past 2 hours. When you add this all together, it would literally take my whole day up just to arrive, hike, and then return home. But my roommates always saw a very distinct demeanor in me when I got back, and then when I finally would take them too, they’d so “oh, now we see why you’re so happy when you get back from hiking. “ The mountain scenery is so beautiful that it makes me feel like I’m standing looking at a giant unreal painting. I grew at sea level only an hour from the Ocean with just a few mountains scattered around my state, and now I’m in a state with unlimited mountains, many is them at pretty high elevation. I think one reason mountains move my soul is because them make me feel so small, in a very good way. There’s just some kind of unbudged encouragement they whisper to me: “look at us, we’re tall and mighty and don’t move and travel like you do, and but there’s a lot we can do for the humans that accept our challenges. “ Some of the most prolific human achievements can be tied to mountains, in the literal and figurative sense. I can’t say I’m a true mountain climber, but I can say with certainty that I know a good amount of people who’d never attempt to go on the hikes I go on. I once brought 4 friends who were family members and the parent was worried the whole time, and wanted to turn around. She saw ledges and rocks that fall was within easy reach. And was telling them “go this way, don’t go that way, be VERY CAREFUL right now, this isn’t safe. She wasn’t enjoying herself and if had it her way, would have turned around and never came back. This was on a relatively low-key hike. I can’t imagine how she would have reacted if I’d taken them on my now favorite hike where there’s a section you actually have to climb a rock, putting her feet and hands in the designated holes, ladder like style. It’s not uncommon for me to overhear a new tourists wondering out loud “we’re getting up, but how are we going to get down on the way back?” I admit, the first few times I did it, I was nervous too, but like anything else in life, you get used to it. I am certainly afraid of heights, but if beautiful scenery is involved, it is certainly enough motivation to nudge me in the right direction of just going for it. One time a friend made a comment that I should be really careful going hiking alone. I tried to politely accept her well-meaning intent, but part of me scoffed inside “if I only ever went hiking with a buddy, I’d almost never get any hiking done, nor would I enjoy is at much. For me the therapy in hiking isn’t just the mountains, it’s spending time being able to think and digest about life and the challenges I’m facing. Spending time with people can be very deeply rich, but some of us are introverts and also need to sift through happenings with a high ratio of alone time. Also, I can be untethered to the world as long or little as I want and at the pace and skill level that I want. Also, the chirping of birds, rustling of squirrels and occasional inquisitive stares of 10 deer eyes looking up at you, their delicate deer frozen while the process if you’re a thing they should run away from. Usually they decide I’m not and go back to munching leisurely. This is the kind of stuff that I could spend 10 minutes enjoying while another hiker might want to move on after 30 seconds. One time I was walking to the ferry on an island and had conversations with cows that were just within 10 feet of me. I don’t know what it is about the exchange with animals, but few things in life are comparible. Once when I was overseas, I told a goat he was beautiful and he seemed to hear me, his “BAHH” timing impeccable from my compliment. Another tourist nearby overheard and also laughed at the irony or timing. I’ll never know if his instincts actually understood but I have to say I do believe animals are very intelligent in a way that most humans just shrug off. I’m not an activist for animals, but my life does reflect certain methods of living that are more mindful of animals than the average person in America. Let’s just say if I lived in India, I’d be in good company as a person who refuses to intentionally eat meat of any capacity. Heck, I don’t even like killing spiders, though I don’t exactly like them, I don’t think they deserve to die just for existing. Just as well, I don’t think that animals exist for humans eating them. If I lived in a world where there was no such thing as factory farming, and all people and religions followed how Muslims slaughter their meat, the world would be a better place. I don’t like that any animals are slaughtered, however I do understand the reasons why people eat meat, so if some animals have to be slaughtered, Halal meat is the best in my opinion. You can find it in many Arabic or Muslim restaurants and supermarkets.

As I hiked, I kept stopping to check on the paraglider above me. In my checkered black and white plad shirt and multi-colored scarf, I think they looked down and saw me as a vibrant colorful speck. In some weird way I felt connected to this person: both enjoying the same exact geographical location yet from complete different perspectives and using completely different body parts and bits of courage. I silently vowed that someday I wanted to try this, and now that I’m so close in proximity everyday, how much more possible it is than when I was confined to buses taking me back to a sleeping house every time I went hiking. I even eyed the road I parked on as a potential sleeping place. A field on one side, houses on the other, a bathroom near, and no street lights to help me be stealthy. I can’t deny how I secretly wish to hear animal voices instead of human voices walking by. How invigorating would it be, two animals in their own right, just eating, sleeping, peeing without excess or drama to cloud the night. I’ve easily learned how much each inch is valuable and how irritating it is to constantly have to move things around at night just to get situation to sleep. I still have more trial and error to experience but thank god for the storage unit that’s only 2 miles from the gym I use to shower [and pool run]. As a beginner, I’m glad I’m learning van life in just one city and not as a traveler. I’ve packed lightly for trips on planes to big cities I knew I could be anything I needed, like a sweatshirt or deodorant, but traveling upwards 8 hours through deserts of mountains would have to make planning have different edge than any of my vehicles trips. Especially when the car is also the roof over head, and traveling alone. Traveling alone on an airplane or bus is different than being on a deserted highway alone in a car. So, luckily I am learning the basics of car-living with the training wheels luxury of always being in the same city right now.

Last night after I found my spot, I saw about 5 cop cars drive me. I’d seen a police station 2 nights before I omitted the spot a block away that I had eyed as potential sleeping spot. But last night I guessed that as long as I laid low, none of the cop cars would notice. I have now decided not to pursue curtains as I can lay in my sleeping bag without an onlooker seeing human hair or flesh. I have a dinosaur-sized sleeping back that’s grey, and it’s so long that I put it over my head. Yesterday I invested in a grey colored pillow case which I think helps blend even more so that if there’s an occasional inch or few peering out from the pillow, it doesn’t stand out as a pillow as much. When I’m snugged in, the sleeping bag can cover my entire head and most of the pillow. My hips and legs are covered from the removable trunk top, which makes moving around without a ton or freedom, but I’d rather have the lower part of my body covered than take it down so that if someone does bother to look with a flashlight, they’ll just see half of a sleeping bag, which for all they know could be folded up without someone in it. Of course the vision I think it looks like might be different than reality because I can’t see it for my own eyes, but I can say of all the way I could have my jeep and sleeping bag set up, this way is the most chance to pass for stealth. The main downside is that sometimes if I want my face to hit the air, I just have my face exposed. But if I hear or sense anyone walking, I can quickly divert to pulling the sleeping back up. Peeing has to be done with a bit more planning and caution, but luckily I don’t spend nearly as much time peeing as sleeping. And thanks to Target, for the 2nd night in a row, I’ve successfully been able to pee in mostly stealth. I have a long black skirt that has slits up each side, so I can sit and pee in my container while it’s hidden under the skirt. It might not sound fun, but compared to having nothing, a skirt is much relief. I usually scout every direction with full force, of course, to assure no cars are coming before I start. Though the night before last, a pedestrian through me off. I hadn’t seen him until he walked past my car, and then directly after saw another pedestrian walking their dog, which by then I was done but it just taught me that even if the coast looks clear, a person can blend in darkness easier than I realized. That was the first day I had my skirt, so person wouldn’t have seen anything more than an akward person sitting on something dressed in a skirt, there seemed to be no paid attention towards my direction and as I watched his gait, I realized they were walking as a drunk person would. But even if they weren’t drunk, a giant theme that seems to be resurfacing is that most people don’t look twice at a parked car. I’ve been astounded at how many beings pass me unnoticed by my presence. The first night, I even realized there was in a woman in the car behind me parked, applying make-up. It was around 1am I think, and I thought “OH shit,” but she was looking in her mirror and not at my car. I ducked for a while and when I came back, she and her car were gone. I do have tinted windows, but in some lighting, that doesn’t count for helping much.

*a few minutes after I posted this, I got a return call from one of the fri interview places, so I might be having two job interviews tomorrow.

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