#I only annotated like 1/2 of the book- I have other thoughts but I don’t remember em rn lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lucky-clover-gazette · 8 months ago

Text

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 5

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Meetings of this kind could take months to arrange; the speed at which it happened now was dizzying, if you did not know Laurent.

i like how damen has immediately fallen back into his book 1 & early book 2 habit of giving laurent backhanded compliments

He sat on the audience throne, with a single oak seat empty beside him and Nikandros standing behind him.

you know, damen, i can think of someone who has recent experience with oak chairs…

When prince met prince there were protocols to observe. You did not greet each other alone in a diaphanous tent. Or thrown to the ground in chains in a palace viewing chamber.

and yet, given the choice between protocol and hanging out with laurent in a tent… i think damen is seriously struggling with which he would truly prefer. if not already decided, in his heart

The last time Akielon and Veretian royalty had met ceremonially had been six years ago, at Marlas, when the Regent had surrendered to Damen’s father, King Theomedes. Out of respect to the Veretians, Damen had not been present, but he remembered the satisfaction of knowing that Veretian royalty was bending its knee to his father. He had liked it. He had probably liked it, he thought, about as much as his men disliked what was happening today, and for the same reasons.

“he had liked it.” ouch. but also showing the subjectivity of damen and laurent’s shared history

It was not like the ecstatic entries Laurent had made into the towns and villages of Vere. No one swooned or cheered or threw flowers at his feet. The camp was silent.

Laurent strolled in, beautifully;

He came down the path that was cleared for him, as though walking unmolested through an Akielon camp was simply his right.

because it is, because he made it so 💅

Damen’s own men watched as a man might watch his enemy sauntering into his house, unable to prevent it.

“sauntering” perfect word choice

‘My brother of Akielos,’ said Laurent.

i know the “brother” thing is part of the “language of kings,” but it’s extra awkward between laurent and damen because 1) damen killed laurent’s actual brother and 2) they’ve literally fucked

Everyone knew that in the Akielon language, princes of foreign nations addressed each other in the fraternal.

and everyone also knows that damen killed laurent’s brother, and that damen and laurent fucked, so it’s weird for them too!

‘Our brother of Vere,’ said Damen.

oooh, damianos has to use the royal “we” since he’s king, further removing himself from his individual identity as damen. part of the kingship/“kingdom or this” theme, which we’re seeing a lot in book 3, for obvious reasons

He recognised Guion, the Regent’s most loyal Councillor, who, sometime in the last three days, had switched sides.

don’t worry about it

Damen lifted his hand, offering it palm up, with fingers outstretched. Laurent lifted his own hand calmly, resting it atop Damen’s. Their fingers met. He could feel the eyes of every Akielon in the tent on him. They proceeded slowly. Laurent’s fingers rested infinitesimally above his own. He felt the moment when the men around him realised what was going to happen. Reaching the dais, they sat, facing outward, the twin oak seats now twin thrones.

of course they had to make this announcement in the most dramatic, shocking, and tense manner possible. like idk, someone could have explained the alliance with words first, just to make sure everyone’s on the same page when the two leaders sit down beside each other. i get that this wordless performance might simply be the appropriate protocol, but damen and laurent still somehow manage to make it feel inappropriate for the occasion.

‘We have called you here today to witness our accord,’ said Damen, in a clear voice that carried over the noise.

i think i read somewhere that pacat compared this scene to a wedding, and that would totally make sense, both with the way its written and the way damen and laurent are allergic to conventional romance story plot beats. like yeah, this WOULD be their wedding, wouldn’t it.

‘Today we mark the alliance of our nations against those pretenders and usurpers who seek to assail our thrones.’

same energy as suspended twitter user donald j trump saying “i would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, september 11th.”

Laurent settled in as though the place had been made for him, and adopted the posture he typically favoured, one leg straight out before him, a fine-boned wrist balanced on the arm of the throne.

cunt (affectionate)

Explosions of outrage, furious exclamations, there were hands on the hilts of swords. Laurent did not look particularly concerned by this, or anything.

Coiled and personal, Laurent’s gift was a Veretian whip, made of gold.

i remember reading this for the first time and saying “GIRLLLL” out loud to my cat

He remembered Laurent’s hand giving a little tug on the rod, infuriating, more than that. He remembered having his legs kicked apart, his hands bound, the thick wood of the post against his chest, the lash about to fall on his back. He remembered Laurent, arranging himself against the opposite wall, settling his shoulders there, positioning himself to watch every slightest expression on Damen’s face. His gaze swung to Laurent. He knew he had flushed, he could feel the heat in his own cheeks. In front of the gathered generals, he couldn’t say, What have you done?

there is a strategic advantage to this move on laurent’s part (to be revealed in a minute), but it’s also just him being a petty bitch and trying to make damen flustered/triggered on the throne

Inside the tent, Akielon men and women were looking at one another questioningly, others craning their necks to see.

and actually, this gesture from laurent also tells damen something else: “you thought i was evil for flogging you, my brother’s killer? then refuse my offer for revenge against men who murdered your people, in front of your bloodthirsty nation who want to see it happen. where’s your moral high ground now, bitch.”

‘The whip and the men are Vere’s gift to Akielos,’ said Laurent, and then he turned his melting blue eyes on Damen. ‘The first fifty lashes are my gift to you.’

wouldn’t be the first time laurent gifted damen laurent lashes out of spite. which i’m sure laurent is very smug about, saying this now.

He couldn’t have stopped it, even if he had wanted to.

i do think some of laurent’s revenge here is putting damen in the same powerful/powerless position he (laurent) had been in for seven years in arles. just because laurent was a prince, doesn’t mean he wasn’t a captive too. ultimately, it was laurent's innate responsibility to his people, felt as a prince, that kept him from just leaving entirely. but in order to stay and survive, he had to play dirty and adapt with his uncle's depraved court.

now a king, damen finds himself similarly bound to his duties, in a time of war without the support of his father. and laurent gets some kind of satisfaction in reminding damen of this fall from grace by forcing him to endure the depravity of his own court.

A part of Damen’s mind recognised how perfectly this gift had been judged, the exquisite virtuosity of it: Laurent was delivering him a backhanded blow with one hand, and with the other, caressing his generals as a man scratches a dog under the chin.

isander foreshadowing. the ethical implications of that entire thing are going to be soooo tricky to unpack when i get to it

Damen heard himself say, ‘Vere is generous.’ ‘After all,’ Laurent held his gaze, ‘I remember what you like.’ The stripped men were tied down.

jesus FUCKING christ.

okay. here’s the thing. there’s literally no plausible interpretation of “i remember what you like” that makes this diplomatic or professional. the contrast of damen being so careful and disciplined with his language, and laurent just shooting out these insanely personal disses like it’s no big deal, is SOOOOOOO…

like. what the fuck is the audience thinking when they hear that line. it would be like watching a broadcast of two real-life world leaders doing a diplomatic ceremony, and one of them is like "i look forward to our partnership" and the other goes, at full volume and in the same exact tone of voice, "i know. you told me that last night."

Damen felt his pulse speed up as he realised he was going to watch Laurent have ten men flayed alive in front of him.

although i do seem to recall damen saying to himself back in like book 2 that he’d seen plenty of akielion soldiers flayed (flogged? is it the same thing?) as punished, and even commanded it once or twice, so…

‘Furthermore,’ said Laurent, his voice pitched to carry, ‘Fortaine’s bounty is yours. Its physicians will tend to your wounded. Its storehouses will feed your men. The Akielon victory at Charcy was hard-won. All that Vere gained while you fought is yours, and it is deserved. I will not profit from any hardship that befalls the rightful King of Akielos or his people.’

laurent is so smart. he knows how to work a crowd, even when it’s full of people who despise him. and he’s not even breaking a sweat.

You will lose Straton. You will lose Makedon, Nikandros had said, but he hadn’t counted on the fact that Laurent would arrive, and begin, dangerously, to control everything.

Bloody and pulped, the men, who were no longer men, were cut from the whipping blocks. That took time too, because more than one handler was needed to lift each man, and no one was quite certain which of the men were unconscious and which were dead.

you know, maybe no one should flay or flog anyone else. like, as a general rule. have we thought of that?

Damen said, ‘We have a personal gift too.’

the return of the antagonistic lamen “yes, and!” one of the few things from book 1 i truly miss

(also, i’m glad damen didn’t come into this tableau full intending to be professional and respectful. like he planned some petty freak shit too, in advance. he is still ant with a bindle, but he has his pride. he’s always had pride, even as a slave, especially as a slave. and if damen can’t have laurent as a lover or a friend, he can at least “enjoy” engaging in weird mind games with him instead. in a way, it’s kind of enrichment for them both.)

Last night, in the evening darkness of the tent, he had pulled this gift from his packs and looked down at it, feeling its weight in his hands. Once or twice before, he had thought about this moment. In his most private thoughts, he’d imagined it happening with the two of them alone together.

okay, never mind, i massively overestimated the spiteful pettiness from damen here :( he wanted to do this in another way, lovingly and privately. he's only doing it here and now because he has to, in order to earn his army's respect. ant with a bindle, through and through.

it’s okay buddy, you can marry laurent again post-canon. and then you won’t even be figuratively divorced while doing it!

He hadn’t imagined it like this, the private made public, and painful. He didn’t have Laurent’s ability to hurt with what mattered most.

and that's why this series works. see my long essay about damen as the heart of the series in chapter 4.

‘Every man here knows that you kept us as a slave,’ said Damen. He said it loudly enough that all those gathered in the pavilion tent could hear. ‘We wear your cuff on our wrist. But today, the Prince of Vere will prove himself our equal.’

THE ROYAL “WE” 💀 💀 💀

you know, technically it was kastor, an akielion, who made damen a slave and gave him specifically to laurent. they didn’t even have slaves in vere before akielos gifted them one. just sayin

He gestured and one of his squires came forward. It was still wrapped in cloth. He felt the sudden tension in Laurent, though there was no outward change. Damen said, ‘You asked for it, once.’ The squire drew back the cloth to reveal a gold cuff. He felt rather than saw the tightness in Laurent. The cuff, unmistakably, was the twin to the one Damen wore, altered last night by a blacksmith for Laurent’s finer wrist. Damen said, ‘Wear it for me.’ For a moment he thought Laurent wasn’t going to do it. But in public, Laurent had no recourse to refusal. Laurent extended his hand. And then waited, palm outstretched, his eyes lifting to meet Damen’s. Laurent said, ‘Put it on me.’

the fact that this isn’t even damen being mean, but just painfully earnest and hurt and yearning, clearly not what laurent expected at all… :( damen is refusing to play dirty, no matter how hard laurent goads him. and he doesn’t even want to hurt laurent, in fact he almost seems to long for him. that’s probably what surprises and confuses this self-loathing mean girl era laurent the most. he keeps trying (and succeeding) to push damen away, but damen still refuses to push back.

also, lamen hr complaint #7, made by everyone present besides damen and laurent. nothing specific, but just a vague feeling of "uh, was it professional to make us watch and participate in this?" after the fact

Every pair of eyes in the tent was on him. Damen took Laurent’s wrist in his hand. He would have to unlace the fabric and push the sleeve back. He could feel the devouring gazes of the Akielons in the tent, as hungry for this as they had been for the whipping. Rumours of Damen’s enslavement in Vere had spread like fire through the camp. To see the Veretian Prince wear the gold cuff of a palace bed slave in turn was shocking, intimate, a symbol of Damen’s ownership.

i love how these books manage to make things unbelievably hot, even when they have nothing to do with sex. they might as well be fucking right now and it would feel less intimate and personal. which actually might be the entire point of the veretian pets and akielion slaves being so horny on main all the time, to serve as a contrast to the deep eroticism of this.

Laurent’s blue eyes remained cool, but under Damen’s thumb, Laurent’s pulse was rabbit fast.

laurent came here expecting to control a crowd, not to be emotionally compromised and vulnerable in front of one. and he’s probably even more flustered/upset about the fact that damen was able to make him feel and react like this so publicly, without even appearing to have malicious or vindictive intent. what laurent serves as poison, is what damen serves him back as medicine. and while laurent can handle an angry crowd just fine, he has no means with which to defend himself from damen’s endearing love and care.

He pushed back the fabric. It was more bare skin than Laurent had ever shown in public, on display to the entire tent.

“you look like a whore” <3

another accidental damen reverse card, calling back to the way damen was publicly exposed in book 1. not even meant to hurt laurent but still probably landing like revenge.

‘Help me regain my kingdom, and I’ll see you King of Vere.’ Damen fitted the cuff to Laurent’s left wrist.

his teeny tiny little wrist…

‘I’m overjoyed to wear a gift that reminds me of you,’ said Laurent.

he may be flustered, but he’s still That Bitch.

The cuff locked into place. He didn’t withdraw his wrist, just left it leaned on the arm of the throne, laces open and gold cuff in full view.

it’s like they have those matching t shirts that say “i’m hers” and “i’m his,” except damen’s would say “i’m his” and laurent’s would say “i’m terrified of attachment” and then “i’m his” in significantly smaller text

Horns were blown the length of the ranks, and refreshments were brought. All that had to happen now was for Damen to endure the rest of the welcoming ceremony, and at the end, sign their treaty.

damen and laurent just invented divorced marriage! truly trailblazers of their time

A series of display fights were performed, marking the occasion with disciplined choreography. Laurent watched with polite attention, and underneath that, possibly real attention, as it would suit him to catalogue Akielon fighting techniques.

they should have a homoerotic fight sequence instead of a first dance

Across from Makedon, Vannes was taking refreshments. Vannes had been the Regent’s Ambassador to the all-female court of the Vaskian Empress, who it was said ripped men apart with her leopards for public sport.

VANNES HIIIIIII VANNES!!!!! THE GIRLS ARE HEREEEEEEE!!!!!!

(can you tell that i'm getting tired of the almost entirely male cast)

He thought of the delicate dealings with the Vaskian clans that Laurent had engineered, all along their ride south. He said, ‘Are you going to tell me what won Vannes to your side?’ Laurent said, ‘It’s no secret. She is to be the first member of my Council.’

laurent feminism win. any person of any gender can be politically valuable.

(i have more complex thoughts on women in this series, which i’ve written about before. i do think laurent feels a genuine sense of solidarity with most women in this series, specifically the disempowered ones like loyse and the sex workers at the brothel. but vannes is a special case, because she’s cruel and sadistic just like the men in power, so i don’t think laurent promising her a place in his council has anything more to do with her gender than the fact that the misogynistic regent wouldn’t do the same.)

‘And Guion?’ ‘I threatened his sons. He took it seriously. I had already killed one of them.’

“i had already killed one of them.”

laurent says this flippantly, but it's kind of freudian slip. laurent admits here that he sees himself as directly responsible for aimeric’s suicide. which is… a very laurent thing to think, and then to weaponize against himself inside his own head. i think a big part of the reason laurent is able to take insults so carelessly, and even insult himself as a deflection, is that he knows that nobody knows him better than himself, and that he’s thought worse things of himself than anyone else possibly could.

‘If this is truly an alliance between equals,’ said Makedon, ‘it’s a pity we can’t see a display of Veretian fighting.’ You are seeing one right now and you don’t even know it, thought Damen.

wait the first dance thing was a joke, but maybe i just vaguely recalled it actually happening??

also, love that thought from damen. perfect read of the scene, although i think people are probably a little more aware of their freakiness than damen seems to assume.

‘Or a contest,’ Makedon said. ‘Veretian against Akielon.’ ‘Are you proposing to challenge Lady Vannes to a duel?’ said Laurent.

kind of a desperate thing for laurent to say. a weak snarky deflection, basically admitting that he does not want to fight damen in front of everyone right now.

Blue eyes met brown. Laurent was relaxed on the throne, and Damen was too aware of what Makedon saw: a youth, less than half his age; a princeling who shirked battle; a courtier with lazy, indoor elegance.

despite appearances, damen knows that laurent is an excellent fighter and a suitable match for himself. again with the backhanded compliment!!

‘But we are like brothers.’ Laurent smiled. Damen felt Laurent’s fingertips touch his; their fingers slid into one another.

“alive brothers, to be precise. not that i’d know anything about having one of those, right, husband?”

side note, i 100% see post-canon laurent calling damen “husband” just as much as his actual name. it’s the perfect mix of condescending, performative, affectionate, and possessive. between them it would almost feel like an inside joke, which we all know damen and laurent enjoy. perfect.

He knew from long experience when Laurent was repressing everything into a single hard kernel of distaste.

for a second i was like, “why is laurent so against this, when he’s a good fighter?” but then i remembered that he got fucking stabbed in the shoulder like two days ago

Heralds brought the document, ink on paper, written in two languages, side by side so that neither one was atop the other. It was simply worded. It did not contain endless clauses and subclauses. It was a brief declaration: Vere and Akielos, united against their usurpers, allied in friendship and common cause.

not the marriage certificate…

He signed it. Laurent signed it. Damianos V and Laurent R, with a big loopy L.

oh of COURSE laurent makes a big loopy L, and of course damen makes specific note of it.

also, help. what the fuck do the letters stand for. they don’t have last names. i thought “V” could be like a roman numeral or something, but what the fuck is “R.” i know i could look this up and probably figure it out on my own, and so i will momentarily, but i did just want to say here that i’m stumped.

okay, got it. apparently R stands for “roi,” the french word for king, and v stands for “vasileus,” the greek word for king. fair enough!

‘To our wondrous union,’ said Laurent.

CUNT

And the Akielons were filing out too, the officers and the generals, the dismissed slaves, until he was alone with Nikandros, whose eyes were on him, furious, and with all the flat knowledge of an old friend.

nik private twitter vent #9, he livetweeted the lamen divorce wedding. also, a note on the nik private twitter bit: damen follows him, and is just happy that nik has a space to express himself :)

‘You gave him Delpha,’ said Nikandros. ‘It wasn’t—’ ‘A bedding gift?’ said Nikandros. ‘You go too far.’

to be fair, laurent would totally be down to negotiate land ownership with weird sex games

‘Do I? I remember Ianestra. And Ianora,’ said Nikandros. ‘And Eunides’s daughter. And Kyra the girl from the village—’

HE HAS A LIST.

‘That’s enough. I won’t talk about this.’

nikandros: why does the prince of vere call you babygirl damen: that’s enough. i won’t talk about this

‘You don’t need to talk, I have seen him,’ said Nikandros. ‘I don’t care what you’ve seen. It’s not what you think.’

nikandros saw that laurent was blonde and immediately heard the vine boom sound effect

‘I think he is beautiful and unobtainable, when your whole life, you’ve never had a refusal,’ said Nikandros.

not wrong, but not right either. damen genuinely loves and respects laurent, like as person and not just as a fuck. and pretty much anyone damen has wanted to have sex with in life has immediately agreed, because he’s a prince. being disinterested in sex without deep personal connection, and being a prince himself, laurent is different from damen's previous partners. he's less unobtainable, and more just, like, evenly-matched.

‘You have committed Akielos to an alliance because the Prince of Vere has blue eyes and blond hair.’

… multiple things can be true. those aren’t the only reasons.

damen likes blondes #9

And then, in a terrible voice, ‘How many times does Akielos have to suffer because you can’t keep your—’

nik private twitter vent #10:

Damen was angry, he wanted to smash the glass beneath his fingers. To let the pain of the glass cut into him.

having a “hurt” by nine inch nails moment. a “no children” by the mountain goats moment. yeah, i should make the lamen divorce playlists

‘Do you think—for a moment that I’d . . . Nothing,’ he said, ‘is more important to me than Akielos.’

i don’t want to be neglectful of the “kingdom or this” theme, because it does come up a lot. it’s just that, at this point, i don’t have much to add.

‘He is the Prince of Vere! He doesn’t care about Akielos! Are you saying you aren’t swayed by the thought of having him? Open your eyes, Damianos!’

nikandros, the slave sex user, should shut the fuck up about damen yearning for his “unobtainable” equal. damen isn’t the only one here with a blind spot.

‘You want him. It’s natural. He looks like one of the statues Nereus has in his garden, and he’s a prince of your own rank. He dislikes you, but dislike can have its own appeal,’ said Nikandros. ‘So bed him. Satisfy your curiosity. Then, when you have seen that mounting one blond is much like mounting another, move on.’

this is fucking infuriating. laurent is so much more than his pretty appearance, and a lot of his insecurity and problems with vulnerability revolve around the way people view him as a sexual object. his relationship with damen was founded on mutual respect and personal understanding. and damen knows this, and i’m sure he’s infuriated too. looking forward to his response.

The silence went on a moment too long.

looking forward to his response.

He had no intention of putting any of it in words. I told him I was a slave, and he pretended to believe me. I kissed him on the battlements. He had his servants bring me to his bed. It was our last night together, and he gave himself to me. He knew all the while it happened that I was the man who killed his brother.

right, damen is still confused by laurent more than anything else at this point. he doesn’t know where either of them stand. the only thing he recalls here is a sense of disorientation, trying to align what he’s learned about laurent’s internal workings with the way he’d interacted with damen physically and emotionally. and the puzzle pieces don’t fit, so he doesn’t want to think or talk about it. and he doesn’t really blame nikandros for his confusion or crass description of laurent, because damen still doesn’t understand how laurent could have even allowed any of the sexual things between them to happen in the first place.

also, unfortunately, i think we can gather from the way nikandros speaks here that damen has spoken this way about partners in the past. and that’s probably part of why it doesn’t bother him as viscerally as it bothers me.

‘Yes I lay with him,’ said Damen. ‘It was one night. He barely relaxed the whole time. I will admit I—wanted him.

and this probably isn’t how damen is used to talking about sexual partners, so it comes out awkward and insecure and weirdly earnest. better than being a douchebag, so i’m calling it character development.

'But he is the Prince of Vere and I am the King of Akielos. This is a political alliance. He approaches it without emotion. So do I.’

ngl this is frustrating, esp when i’m reading so slowly and taking notes… not a problem with the writing at all, but just 😬 😬 😬 how many times do i have to point out that these two men are emotionally unintelligent and needlessly evasive before they figure out their shit, put down their defenses, and talk to each other

‘It’s not the same.’ ‘Laurent is not Jokaste?’

😬 😬 😬

i am trying not to waste too much of my time with this scene but he’s wrong, we all know nik is wrong by implying they’re the same because we know laurent better than nik does etc etc etc oh my god this is exactly why there’s a trial scene at the end and damen gets to be laurent’s defense attorney isn’t it

‘I do. I know,’ said Damen, ‘who he is, and that it means I cannot have him.’

you’re literally a king, if anyone is qualified to CHANGE THAT it’s you

‘No. Listen Damianos. You trust blindly. You see the world in absolutes—if you believe someone a foe, nothing will dissuade you from arming up to fight. But when you give your affections . . . When you give a man your loyalty, your faith in him is unswerving. You would fight for him with your last breath, you would hear no word spoken against him, and you would go to the grave with his spear in your side.’

this is true, at least. nik knows damianos well, he just doesn’t know laurent or our damen. but as i myself have commented, damianos and damen are ultimately both the same guy, even though he’s evolved throughout the series.

‘And are you so different?’ said Damen. ‘I know what it means that you are riding with me. I know that if I am wrong you will lose everything.’

“i will fight for him just as you fight for me, so i suppose that makes us both noble fools.”

He said, ‘The Prince of Vere.’ When he looked at Damen again, it was a sidelong glance under his raised brows, and for a moment they were boys again, on the sawdust, throwing spears that fell six feet short of the men’s hide targets.

“i can’t believe you hit that.”

‘Can you imagine,’ said Nikandros, ‘what your father would say if he knew?’

this feels more playful than the previous conversation, a bit lighter. both an admonishment and like a “ooooooh you’re so baaaaad >:)”

‘Yes,’ said Damen. ‘Which girl from the village was called Kyra?’ ‘They all were. Damianos. You can’t trust him.’

having a hard time reading this. my best interpretation: damen’s question is a reference to the chillest part of the previous conversation, nik’s list, in order to un-harsh the vibe. poking fun at nik for keeping a list, and poking fun at himself for having a type.

nik’s response is still pretty unchill, implying that all the people on that list are interchangeable and harmless. unlike laurent, who damen needs to get over because he’s untrustworthy and dangerous, despite also being pretty and blonde.

‘I know that.’ He finished the wine. Outside, there were hours of daylight left, and work to be done.

damen has been pretty consistently self-aware about the fact that he can’t trust laurent to be entirely honest about his intentions or plans, but he (damen) still cares for him (laurent) regardless. and he’s been living with that conflict and just kind of saying “this is fine” like the dog in that meme. this scene, i think, is nikandros basically walking into the room and trying to extinguish the fire. which nik is uniquely capable of doing, because he understands damen enough to notice the things that his friend is ignoring.

‘You’ve spent a morning with him and you’re warning me off. Just wait,’ said Damen, ‘until you’ve spent a full day with him.’ ‘You mean that he improves with time?’ ‘Not exactly,’ said Damen.

damen loves his blonde nightmare malewife so much <3 nik is going to scream into a paper bag

#capri #sam reads capri #captive prince #kings rising #damen of akielos #laurent of vere #lamen #nikandros of delpha #is that his name idk i yell at him in this one #you can see in the way i comment on male side characters like nik and jord that i get pretty tired of all the men in these books lol #damen and laurent are enough for me to deal with

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sunscreenstudies · 2 years ago

Text

Iconic Things My Coding Professors Have Said (Part 12)

"real data is always messier than data you get in textbooks, but thats true about real life and fiction books too"

Prof: "does any group want to go first? no? anyone?" Student: "we dont care" Prof: "oh... okay… does any group care?"

"this is very common, uh, draco and harry slash fiction. does anyone know what the slash means? no? really? that’s alright, i bet you do but i won't embarass you by making anyone say it, so i'll say it instead. Draco and harry have a lot of gay sex... that's not something i ever thought i'd say as a professor to a room full of students in a professional, academic environment, but this is where we are"

"This model requried a lot of input from a lot of people, and, as you probably know, people suck"

"but for what? i mean i know that they want to make a lot of money, and they don't really care who's exploited to make a profit, but i doubt they want to destroy the world… not yet, anyway"

"we asked for ages for this company to make their book open source but they always kept refusing us… and now they're not around anymore. But no hard feelings"

"of course, if you say you're investing time in something, you're not literally investing anything material. Humans understand this, but stupid computers do not"

Prof: "Wait, why is marie kondo listed as fiction?" Student: "so's the bible" Prof: "oh boy, let's not get into THAT"

"I absolutely adore this book, so if you're expecting any sort of objectivity from me… uh, yeah, you're not gonna get it"

"i won't be able to explain it in five mintues, but if you do ever have some time… probably not until after this entire masters course, but if you do ever have some time-"

"one character who dramatically loses popularity in fanfiction, is, of course, hagrid, which is probably because he isn't suitable for a sexual encounter with another character, gay or otherwise"

"journalist texts use registers other than those used in text messages or emails or even letters, if you remember what those are, or snapchats or instabooks-"

"As for the others, we expect you to actually collaborate with each other - and yes, i know, we're computer scientists so that sounds horrible, but just deal with it"

Prof1: "how many of you have reviewed a book online? One? Two? Two people. Anyone else?" Prof2: "I wrote a few fake reviews online for my own books, if that counts"

"For this evaluation we need to use humans, and as you know, humans are what? Yes! Too expensive. Not that I've tried to buy one of course - they seem like far too much trouble, to be honest"

"It's only advantage is that it doesn't need human intervention, such as annotation, and thats good because annotation sucks, as we all know. It’s quite similar to people in that way"

Prof: "This book only became popular because the author was a celebrity, so thats why i think this book is there" Student: "but what about ‘Great Expectations’? by Charles Dickens?" Prof: "well… i mean he's not an internet celebrity"

"you can see that the centrality of harry has dropped but draco has increased, because in fanfiction, draco is a very common character because of, obviously, the afformented gay sex"

#studyblr #compblr #computer science #harry potter #drarry

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horrificbooks · 1 month ago

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Get To Know Me

~ 𐙚🧸ྀི ~

Name: Sam

Age: 27

Location: UK

~ 𐙚🧸ྀི ~

Why am I here:

I wanted to have a Tumblr account where I could interact with and participate in the bookish/booklr community (communities). I’ve decided I want to make a career for myself focusing around books and reading. I grew up reading, as many of us did and was obsessed with primary school book fairs and the library buses. I loved analysing books (Through my own ideas, not through forced thought) and annotating them. It felt as though every pocket of my life held capacity for books. I plan on creating my own space of community across various social platforms and, in time, bring forth my own book subscription box.

~ 𐙚🧸ྀི ~

Questions! 𓂂 𓇼˚｡ •

1. “What is the first book you remember reading that had a significant impact on you?”

𓂂 𓇼˚｡ • Whilst I recall reading many books growing up, I remember picking up a book with a white puppy on the cover titled “Alfie”. I assume I picked this one up to read as, at the time, I had a dog who was my best friend in the entire world (🥰💖🕊️) called Alfie. However, this book was heartbreaking to me. I remember reading it in class during one of my primary school classes and I ended up crying. One of the other kids pointed it out to the teacher in which I had to explain I was saddened by my book not by anything a fellow student had said or done to me.

2. “If you could live in any fictional world from a book, which would it be?”

𓂂 𓇼˚｡ • I’m going to choose a world from my favourite books as I feel I know them better than worlds taken from blurbs on the backs of my TBRs. With this being said, I’d firmly say the GrishaVerse world 💓

3. “Which format do you enjoy best to consume your books?”

𓂂 𓇼˚｡ • I love a physical book. It’s the only way I can enjoy a book. I don’t know if it’s because that’s how I grew up engaging with literature or if I find it too easy to zone-out when listening to audiobooks and e-reading. This also goes for any type of adult picture book like comics, graphics novels and manga.

4. “Who is your favourite author? What do you love about their writing style?”

𓂂 𓇼˚｡ • Chloe Walsh. I love(!!!) how she writes her characters and how they’re all so uniquely memorable and there’s no chance of mixing them up even if they enjoy similar hobbies. I also love how as a non-romance-(for the most part now)-reader she had me giggling, sobbing, shocked, and laughing in the span of a few pages. I love that she makes me so invested in her characters and in their stories that their tragedies make me cry when 99.9% of the time I don’t get physical reactions from reading.

5. “What book do you think everyone should read once in their lifetime?”

𓂂 𓇼˚｡ • As much as I’d love to have answer, I don’t have one. Reading is such a personal and unique experience it’s not worth trying to tell someone they should read something. I feel with books because they can be all consuming, life-changing and of course, take hours or more to get through, I believe it’s best for people to reach for a book when they want as the pressure of knowing somebody is waiting for you to read the book and/or the expectations for how the book will be enjoyed can easily be discouraging or make for the book to be less than what it could have been had the person chosen it for themselves.

~ 𐙚🧸ྀི ~

Bye for now ִ ࣪𖤐.ᐟ

https://www.instagram.com/horrific.books?igsh=MWE5N3o3aDdjbXRmZA%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

#gtkm #booklr #horrific books #grishaverse #leigh bardugo #chloe walsh #binding 13

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booksandwords · 2 years ago

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A Pirate's Treasure by Brenna Ash

Series: Scottish Rogues of the High Seas, #1 Read time: 2 Days Rating: 3.5/5

The quote: “Lass, ye are daft. Ye’ve not been promised to me, but,” his gaze traveled over her from head to toe, “I wouldna have minded. Whoever he is that ye are promised to, well then, he’s a lucky man.” “If you are not the one that I’m to marry, then who are you?” “My name is Lochlan MacLean.” He bowed low as if in greeting. “But ye can call me Chaos.” — Lochlan 'Chaos' MacLean & Lady Isobel Willys

This novella is just a lot of fun. I can forgive so much for the fact that this is just fun and the characters are well themselves. The books hero is Lochlan 'Chaos' MacLean is a Scottish Pirate Captain. He is coming to a point in his life where wants nothing more than to make a home for himself on land. His warcry is “Is mise dubh uisge!” (I am black water), it's Gaelic, my Scottish heart needed to look up the translation because we aren't given it. His personality is about what you would expect from a pirate loyal to his men and occasionally brash. But very much ethical, working to his ethics. The book's heroine is Lady Isobel Willys a mid-level English noblewoman. Isobel comes from a family where in some ways at least the women hold the power. Her mother came from money and intended to allow Isobel to choose her own husband. But some things cannot be changed and in this case, her father devil take his soul, has spent her dowery so has auctioned her off to the higher bidder. Isobel is a strong willed and fierce woman, Chaos says she has fire that is core to the story. But the story is essentially Isobel and Chaos figuring out each other and their unusual situation and how they may have a future together. It's honestly a fairly simple story. But that doesn't make it bad. It's just driven by characters.

Some annotated quotes.

"Her questions were answered as she saw a dark blue flag raised high. Its tattered edges a testament to its many days spent at sea. She narrowed her eyes to see the symbol embroidered on the material. Was that a skull? With a dagger through its socket?" — (Isobel Willys) I really like the inclusion of this detail. This is set well before the Golden Age of Piracy when the Skull and Crossbones was designed.

"Isobel was independent. Strong-willed, with a mind of her own. What if the man she was to marry didn’t like those traits in her? What if he felt the need to beat her into submission?". — (Lochlan MacLean) When I read this line I thought two things... firstly, here we have the intelligent man in the wild, such a sight for sore eyes. Secondly, amen to that. Some men, particularly in older times only want a strong and intelligent woman so he can break her like a fine mare.

“She?” He studied her for a moment until he understood what she was asking. “All pirates name their ships after the fairer sex.” “Interesting.” — (Isobel Willys & Lochlan MacLean) All ships are women, most bikes too. They command your respect and will be a right bitch if you do not honour them.

She didn’t think he’d answer, but in one swift move, he was in front of her, on his knees. Looking vulnerable and distraught and oh, so handsome. — (Isobel Willys) Look I like my historical fiction protagonists to favour me a little. But I never expected Isobel to favour me as much as she does in this one moment. Her idea of what is attractive in a man emotionally appeals to me.

“I’m glad you think so. My father did not. He didn’t approve of my independent will. He thought I was taking too long to find a suitable husband, even when I’d been told the choice was mine.” “Seems an odd arrangement.” “Yes, my parent’s had a unique marriage. One I didn’t and still don’t understand. I believe there are things they are keeping from me, but I don’t know what and the reason why.” “Sometimes we dinna discover until later their reasonings.” — (Isobel Willys) This is an understatement. But I like the phasing. We do get an explanation for the relationship but yeah I just like the phrase.

Okay, let me address the time setting. We are told at the start of chapter one that the book is set in England in 1484. This is the tail end of the War of the Roses. In a standard book where the royalty is a non-event that would not be an issue. But Isobel's mother is a cousin of the King. But in that time period... that was unstable for monarchs. Her daughter despite all else would have been a useful pawn in that chess game, not a powerful piece but still useful. Basically, either use the royal connection or keep the War of the Roses time setting with all the high seas rules/ understandings of that time.

I'm torn on the rating for this. It's maybe a 3.5. I feel like it's not particularly innovative in the genre but it definitely suited my needs at the time. I was a bit concerned about the time setting of the book when one particular detail is bought into play, it may be a small detail but this is historical fiction details are important. I do like the characters. In other words... this is a great story for commuting and just generally checking it. Is it the best in the world? No. Is it original? Not particularly. This is playing with some fairly standard aspects of the genre. But the characters are good. There is some fun to be had.

#a pirate's treasure #brenna ash #scottish rogues of the high seas #book review #novella #historical fiction #ktreviews #read 2022 #booklr

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pen-observing · 3 years ago

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Hi! If you will have any inspiration about this

What do you think would be little things that brothers would bring you as courting you? As like birds or penguins with rocks and sticks?

Thank you 💜

sjdaj this was fun! i did have an image of lucifer bringing feathers as a meme in my mind for a sec

what the brothers bring you while courting you/wanting to impress you:

Lucifer:

He is what many would consider to be a classic idea of a man. Tall, dark, handsome with refined taste. Because of this he tries to be refined in what he brings you as well. Why should you two not share such traits?

Lucifer because of this relies on the extravagant, classic choices. Most of all – jewelry.

Rings, necklaces, bracelets – everything he sees while out on an errand that catches his eye.

He also tries to match some items with you. He has a golden pen, why shouldn’t you have one as well?

However, one thing that gets in his way is that: no matter how strong his impulse to buy or obtain rare jewels is – he cannot always give them to you.

He overthinks it.

‘if I give them two rings two weeks in a row, would that be too much? Would they then spend money to buy an outfit that matches it? Would the gifts lose their meaning if I don’t space them out? If I continue to give them so many gifts, they would feel responsible to return them so they would spend more money on me and we both know that I am the one who has more money so--’

All these thoughts come to him. Sometimes Lucifer even thinks that your pride would be hurt if he gives you jewels so often.

He tries not to go overboard but he knows that there is a whole desk drawer of little boxes just waiting for the right time to go to you.

Mammon:

No matter how much Mammon may chase gold and sparkles – he is no Lucifer and there is no way that he can just rely on jewels.

Sure, on very special occasions he manages to surprise you with them and that does make it more meaningful.

Mammon puts aside everything else and actually gets a job whenever your birthday is close.

So what else could be bring you?

He is well aware of how birds bring branches or rocks – how sometimes they even spend so much time flying high above and continuously dropping walnuts for others on the road until they crack. His approach is similar.

When you have issues or need to open something – he always offers himself.

It is a bit silly but being there for someone counts.

Besides this – every trinket that he sees somehow ends up in your room

Plushies, fun masks, nail polish that matches his, a leaf that fell in his hair while he was sleeping under a tree and dreamt of you.

He also brings postcards, magazines, photos you might enjoy.

Once he brought you a heart shaped stone and bragged about how his keen eye managed to observe it in the clean river!

Something in every corner of your room will be adjacent to him.

“What if I brought you branches?” “What?” “Nothing!”

He just wanted to ask!

Leviathan:

Lucifer is impulsive in buying just one thing, Levi, however, is impulsive all around.

And that impulsivity goes in many directions.

He is able to use and calculate all his Akuzon points to make sure that you get 10 products instead of just 1.

He takes it very, very seriously.

Sometimes he buys you way too many snacks, other times he orders 5 costumes

Often his courting relies on the thought; what if we shared this!

His mind says that the more you have in common the better match you are.

This is why he brings matching keychains or slippers or even computer backgrounds and mousepads.

He still knows that ‘matching’ does not fully count but it really warms his heart when he sees that you are willing to share and indulge in those small things that would not really matter to others.

It gives him a confidence boost and reassures him that you are in fact open to him.

However, something still has to be yours alone.

Yours alone, from his hands and he needs to make sure of that.

Levi does bring you pearls like penguins do.

And he did in fact spend a long time underwater making sure he brings the best ones.

Just... never show him the video that trended of a female penguin cheating on her partner in the human world.

Satan:

Satan, no matter how much he tries to deny it, is in many ways similar to Lucifer.

He might dress the way he does but he tries to be a classic gentleman in this regard.

He does bring jewelry too – however he never brings it without a deeper, more profound reason.

‘so what if this ring is rare? What does it matter to them? Nothing.’

He has to hear you say it is very pretty to give it to you.

The necklace needs to remind him of your eyes or he is not buying it at all.

Because of this – he is very picky so few gifts are of this nature.

What else does he bring?

Satan writes you notes all the time.

Sometimes they are there to remind you of water or meals, other times they are short quotes.

In fact, he brings you annotated books; lines that remind him of you; quotes of feelings he knows thanks to you.

He brings you parts of himself and looks for parts of you in everything.

This is his idea of courting.

And don’t be surprised to get letters (wax made by him) under your door even if you live close by.

Asmodeus:

Unlike the others, Asmo has no problems with giving you whatever his own impulse says to.

Why should he hide these 2 perfumes that he bought thinking of you and wait for 3 weeks to present them to you?

No, do it right then and there because your heart felt the love or do not do it at all!

Because of this, his impulse costs a lot. Only second to Lucifer.

Asmo wants to give you luxurious things but he knows that jewelry alone can get boring rather fast and is limited by time and fashion and practicality etc.

So he gives you luxury in everything.

New lines of fragrance are yours as well as his, new skin care products that few humans can buy just show up at your door.

Does he also give you framed photos of him? Yes

Does he give you best silk? Also yes.

Why should the two of you not enjoy these things? You deserve it after all.

Still, Asmo is very sentimental too.

He gifts you photo albums of things that make him feel so. Memories of trips and walks; of sleepovers and quiet nights as well.

Yes, luxury is there but this small pretty pen is cheap and has hearts on it! He simply has to give it to you!

Beelzebub:

Beelzebub knows the ‘proper’, ‘correct’ or expected ways to court someone.

He knows what gifts others give and why.

But, all of that seems slightly...like vanity or showing off to him.

It just wouldn’t feel right to give you a framed work of art or color stones that glimmer if it does not really awake something.

His gifts are as gentle as him.

Yes, food is the most obvious choice but he really does worry if you are eating well because humans are fragile.

Flowers that he sees in shops or on walks.

While once walking with Luke he saw some and said how pretty they would look on you. Luke taught him to make flower crowns for that reason.

Most of his gifts are handmade.

He wants to help you on his own no matter what.

The most consistent gifts however are those that you said you needed.

Doesn’t matter when you said it or how, maybe it was just a passing thought, but he remembers and he gets them for you.

Belphegor:

it wouldn’t be wrong to say that he manages to mix up all of these ways and refuses to settle down on just one type.

This is because he is similar to Beel.

Beel gives you thinks you said you needed; Belphie gives you those you did not even notice.

He is constantly observing you and being as smart as he is – nothing escapes him.

You don’t have to complain how you grew bored of your boots or how annoying those headphones are.

He just notices it and gives you new ones.

Sometimes he looks at you during a party in Diavolo’s castle and things that a necklace is missing and would actually be useful in the future as well; so, he buys it.

Books for assignments you are not aware you will need next year find their way to your table. Yes, it is a year but he is a published Devildom scholar so trust him with this.

Paintings, matching rings with stars, a keychain of some small alien from a human TV show etc.

He treads the lines of outlandish with luxury and simple.

Seeing you surprised no matter what because you never mentioned these things always brings him joy.

a/n: how tf do you spell jewelry is it this or jewellery or i hate his word pls

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anxiousnerdwritings · 3 years ago

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Yandere Scarecrow/Jonathan Crane w/ Horror Author!Reader (platonic)

A part 2 to something I did awhile ago that you can find here.

Jonathan is well aware of you and your books. Hell, he would go as far as saying he was your original #1 fan before that clown ever knew you existed. He, unlike Joker, couldn’t care less about the blood and gore in your works. No, Jonathan was more enamored with the terror and fear you were so good at portraying in your material. He’ll proudly tell you how some of your works were able to cause him some form of anxiety or distress.

His favorite books of yours to read were the psychological thriller/horror ones. Anything that had to do with the fear of the mind was golden for him. He liked seeing how you went about mentally and or emotionally scarring your characters. Jonathan would really get immersed in whatever you came up with. He was eager to see what you’d throw at him next.

Jonathan is very much under the impression that you write your books solely for him. He’s delusional enough to believe he’s the only one who knows about you and your writing. Jonathan fees like he knows you on a personal level not only from reading your books but also from stalking following your social media and whatever else he can find in regards to you.

He studies your books, every single one. Taking notes, annotating and highlighting specific things that could either use more research and detail or that inspired him. He was honestly surprised by how accurately you portrayed and described certain aspects in your stories. You really went out of your way to research and find whatever you could on whatever subject you wanted to introduce.

Your books may have even encourage him into becoming the Scarecrow. If that’s the case then he’d owe a lot to you and your works. You’ve helped him into discovering his purpose and that purpose is to spread the fear. He wants to do good by you and what better way to do that then to spread the terror and anxiety that you try to induce into your books.

Jonathan writes to you religiously. He sends you fan-mail after fan-mail, you don’t even have to respond but he would be so euphoric if you did. It started off with him just writing to you about your books and whatever ideas he thought you might be interested in. Then he started writing to you like one would write to an old friend. Jonathan will write about his day to day, his whole week before sending it to you. Whenever something comes up the first thing he does is write it down to send to you later.

Jonathan also takes to keeping journals; both about his own ideas for your books and about his progress with whatever fear toxin he’s working on at that time/his overall discoveries of fear. Once he fills every page in the journal he’s working on them he’ll send it along with his weekly stack of letters.

It would take Jonathan some time before he felt comfortable enough to personally visit you. That goes for your book signings and any other events you may take part in. The first time he did ever go to a book signing of yours and made through the entire line to meet you was the best day of his life. Sure, he was nervous as all hell but he was on cloud 9 by the time he left. He’d beat himself up over all the times he stood in line only to puss out and leave before he could meet you.

The first time he ever visited you at your home was as Scarecrow. The whole time he had to keep himself from fainting, not to mention fanboying. It was a dream come true really, not only to meet someone he highly regarded but also to be in the presence of where you come up with the most thrilling and terrifying of your works. To say Jonathan was inspired was an understatement. He was completely and utterly enthralled.

Much like Joker, Jonathan will become a constant presence. You’ll find him in your home in the dead of night more often then not. You can’t count all the times you’ve woken up to the Scarecrow looming over you, just watching. It was definitely a frightening surprise the first time it happened but it did leave you inspired. And Jonathan couldn’t be more happy to be of help towards your creative endeavors.

When Jonathan does inevitably end up back in Arkham your works become his solace. He may even try to start a book club dedicated to you and your books only but it wouldn’t last long. Jonathan can’t handle any negative criticism towards your books. Or any criticism for that matter. He would end up killing or at least maiming anyone else involved in his book club. At least now he knows that it’s better off with him being your only fan. That is until he finds out Joker has been raving on and on about you and your books as well.

As much as Jonathan commends Joker for his taste in literature he can’t accept Joker’s connection to you. He hates it really. He doesn’t believe a single word out of Joker’s mouth regarding how close he says he is to you. Or when Joker talks about all the books he’s both inspired and helped with. A deep seeded rivalry would surely ensue. And it gets pretty petty.

If you have written to or are writing to Jonathan while he’s incarcerated he will most definitely use that as ammo when he and Joker inevitably get into their daily argument about who is your biggest fan. Jonathan’s argument being that at least you write to him or that you’ve been in correspondence with him longer than Joker. Either way Jonathan and Joker couldn’t ever be friends not even for you. That doesn’t mean they don’t at some level respect each other’s dedication to you but that’s not going to keep them from fight and trying to one up each other.

One thing that is for sure though is that all of Arkham will not only know who you are but they’ll know all about your books too. You may even end up with some new fans. Or they may just decide to stay away from anything that has to do with you if Scarecrow and Joker are involved.

Jonathan and Joker have both pulled up at your book signings, both wearing questionable disguises (Jonathan’s at least look less flashy compared to Joker’s). This especially happens more often then not after they’ve gotten out of Arkham. It’s a fight on sight with these two. They’re shoving and pushing each other getting only more intense and downright unfair as they get closer to you. It gets to a point when Joker pulls out a gun and Jonathan has his fear toxin at the ready. Everyone else around scurries to get the hell out of dodge and then Batman pulls up to stop it, grabbing a signed copy of your book while he’s at it. When Jonathan and Joker are together it always ends the same; with them back in Arkham.

If you thought that was bad then just wait until they both end up at your home at the same time. With a house at least they’ll have more room to tussle and you can go somewhere else to work and leave them be. But in an apartment you’re stuck trying to work around them as they tear your place apart. And of course Batman is a constant presence as well, coming to take your biggest fans away giving you some much needed peace and quiet. Only for the cycle to start again in a few days.

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wonwoosthetic · 3 years ago

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what do you think it would be like to date wonwoo? would he like to share readings with his girlfriend or something like this?

I can go into heavy detail. And I WILL. AND I WILL GO INTO HEAVY DETAIL.

There’s a reason this man has been my bias since day one (a lot got added and a lot wrecked me but he stayed) FOR A REASON.

Wonwoo has this two sided personality, let me elaborate:

Number 1: the hot-dark-academia-library-sipping-on-coffee-on-a-window-sims-turned-into-a-sitting-area-to-read-right-next-to-a-big-ass-bookshelf-in-the-library-room-of-your-house-boyfriend personality.

This is the side that the rest of the people also see. His by daylight personality if you’d like to say so.

Both of you could read a different book each, either right next to each other on the couch or on different seatings, or even on the floor - it doesn’t matter. What does matter, is that both of you are in the same room, together, doing the same thing but individually while enjoying the comfortable silence. BUT, you could also be laying in bed, you in between his legs, your back against his chest while he’s holding a book and either you wait for him to finish each page or he does it for you until you turn the page because he’s holding the book. BUT ALSO, he’d be playing a video game in a different room, while you’re in the living room OR the window sims turned seating area, that I mentioned before, and you just finished your book and get super excited about it, immediately feeling the need to tell him about it. So you get up, run over to the room he’s in and take a seat in either a chair next to him or on the bed (whatever is closer) and immediately start rambling about what you had just read. He’d take off his headphones, to let you know that he’s listening to everything you’re saying, which has become a natural thing for him to do. After you finished rambling, he’d laugh at you for having to take some deep breaths because you kinda forgot by how excited you were. And because the book made you so happy, he’d tell you to leave it next to him so he could read it to, giving it back to you with a long as speech as well.

I had to write it like this because I came across this today again:

Very important: FIRST DATE. He gives me major Jess Mariano (Gilmore Girls vibes) and I will not stop with that. On the first date he’d ask you about what you’re favourite book is for sure and by the time you’re officially dating, as a present for your one month anniversary (or before asking you to start a serious relationship) he’d give you a copy of that book, that he read through and annotated throughout, marking his favourite parts, the parts he didn’t like, parts he’d think you’d like, or even some things that reminded him of you.

Also, even if you have different interests, he’d be so into learning all about yours, and would try to get into them as well. He’d for sure look up things you have told him about (like history facts/events you find interesting, music you enjoy, etc.). Because if he really likes you, he’d definitely put in that kind of effort.

Alright, I definitely forgot something because of how excited I got but let’s hope it wasn’t too much.

Now onto Number 2: the you’re-mine-and-I-want-you-to-know-that-and-if-you-don’t-than-I-will-show-you-right-here-right-now-but-only-because-I-know-I-have-your-consent-dom boyfriend personality.

I’m not going to elaborate on it because I don’t know if you want that bc you only mentioned reading (soft vibes) with his girlfriend. But yes, two sided boyfriend in THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE.

You’d definitely won’t get bored with him, IF you have at least some of the same interests, I have to admit.

Accepting request for fluff/smut MTL or scenarios/thoughts for Seventeen and The Boyz!

#seventeen #midnight thoughts #wonwoo #fluff

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drspencerweed · 3 years ago

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Dear Spence - Night 4

spencer reid x fem!reader

series masterlist

masterlist

fic summary: Going undercover as serial killer bait was simple. Going undercover as serial killer bait three months after being kidnapped was not so simple. Going undercover with the love of my life and having to pretend to be in love with him while also pretending I was pretending was….well it was about as complicated as it sounds.

chapter summary: No secret can be kept forever.

Chapter Word Count: 2.2k

Content: Rated M (16+) fem!reader, mentions of past kidnapping, trauma responses, nightmares, descriptions of past kidnapping, canon-typical violence, fake relationship, friends to lovers, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, only one bed trope

tw for this chapter: descriptions of a panic attack, discussion of the immediate aftermath of a kindnapping

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[Prologue] [Night 1] [Night 2] [Night 3]

The entire day had been bliss. Compared to the night before, where my mind was plagued with fear and anxiety, I spent the day following on cloud nine. I woke up in Spencer’s arms, and for the second time we remained wrapped in each other for a few minutes before getting up to start the day. I spent the day finishing his annotated version of Perks of Being a Wallflower, only interrupted periodically by Spencer pulling me away to cook together or dance in the kitchen or play a card game.

It was like I was living in a fantasy world. I was amazed at how easily I forgot the truth, the reason we were here. How easily I put it out of my mind so these days with Spencer would feel untainted. He had that ability- to make me forget everything outside of his attention on me.

Now I was sitting up in bed, finally on the last pages of the book, while Spencer got ready in the bathroom. When he emerged, I was just finishing up the last page. I finally closed the book as he slipped into bed next to me.

“So?” He asked.

“Your thoughts were really interesting. The way you interpreted Charlie’s letters as if they were to himself, in self reflection? I had never thought of it that way before.”

Spencer blushed, “Well, I don’t know for sure, of course-”

“No one does! I love that theory. Personally I subscribe to the belief that they were to someone he lost.” I explained. “I also noticed you underlined my favorite quote. ‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’ Which is like, everyone’s favorite quote, to be fair.”

“It’s a good quote. And I think it rings true, for most people.”

“What was your favorite quote?” I asked. He had underlined and commented on plenty of them, but I was curious which one had stuck out the most in his wonderful mind.

“There are a lot that were poignant.” He nodded down at the duvet, not making eye contact with me. I wanted to reach out and hold his twisting hand, but I didn’t think we had crossed that line yet. Cuddling before bed and in the morning was one thing, random touches that could be misconstrued were another. “But I think-uhm. Well, the one coming to mind is ‘It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am.’”

My heart ached, and I wanted desperately to grab him by the shoulders and shout I do! I like you for you! In fact, I love you for it! I remembered what came next, as well. “‘And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.’” I finished the quote.

Spencer locked eyes with me at that comment. “Yea that part-I struggled with that part.” He admitted. I swallowed down my guilt as I thought about my love for him, that I kept so selfishly to myself.

“W-Why?” I ventured to ask. His eyes boring into mine made it hard to speak.

“Well, I guess I agree with it but I’ve never been, uhm. The best at expressing my emotions. So it would be a little- hypocritical, I suppose.” He chuckled softly at the end of his confession, his eyes dropping by to the bed again. “I-I’ve had feelings for someone. For a while. But I haven’t told them, so I don’t really have room to complain, do I?”

He said the words so casually, so plainly, as if they didn’t rip open my chest and stab me in the heart. As if each of those words weren’t an individual twist in my abdomen, as if the idea of him loving someone else didn’t make me want to vomit. Luckily his eyes were glued to the bed, so he didn’t have the chance to analyze my microexpressions. There was no way I had contained my reaction well enough. The heartbreak must’ve been written plain as day on my face.

After what was probably too long of a pause, I forced out a chuckle. “Yea, I guess that’s fair.” I swallowed tightly and scrambled for a way out. He looked up at me and my heart began to race, terrified of giving myself away. “I, uhm. Just gonna hop in the shower.”

I hurried out of bed, grabbing my pajamas and rushing into the bathroom. Once the door was shut I placed my clothes on the lid of the toilet, and then ran my fingers through my hair, tugging lightly at the strands. I took a deep breath and gathered myself, brushing my hair back and looking in the mirror. Three more days, I reminded myself, repeating it like a mantra. I only had to make it three more days.

The shower turned on hot, still warm from Spencer’s shower earlier. As I was about to strip down, I realized I forgot my towel. I stepped out, planning to grab my towel quickly and get back to my shower, but stopped in my tracks as soon as I opened the door.

Spencer was sitting on the edge of the bed, on my side, my letter in his hands.

Instinct kicked in faster than I expected, and I ran over and ripped the letter out of his hands. “What are you doing?!” I shouted, gripping the letter tight to my chest. Spencer seemed frozen. “Th-That’s private.” I stuttered, getting my voice down to a regular level again. My mind began racing, trying to work out what to say, how to explain. I braced myself for the inevitable rejection while I tried to think of a way not to compromise the mission.

“I’m sorry, I just-” He cut himself off, coughing into his hand to clear his throat. “I was looking for the case file, and that was in the drawer, and it had my name on it.” He didn’t offer any further explanation, and I couldn’t find it in myself to be mad at him, even though I still felt a distinct ache of betrayal.

“You weren’t-No one was supposed to see this. Ever.” I admitted looking down at the words as they blurred from the tears in my eyes.

“You said-You said that he didn’t make you. That we got there before-”

“I lied. I just- I knew it would be submitted to evidence, and I didn’t-” I choked on the words, thinking about that day. About the hours after I was rescued that I spent in the back of an ambulance, and then in an interview room, this piece of paper pressed between the underwire of my bra and the skin of my chest. My body started shaking, tremors starting at my hands as I tried to chase the memories away.

That whole day Spencer was right by my side, his fingers laced through mine. I was in a daze, too out of it to be grateful for the contact. He drove me home, too, and slept on my couch when I timidly asked him to stay. It was the first time I had asked him, the first time my need for him to be there outweighed my fear of it being too revealing.

Before I knew what was happening I was sitting on the floor, my chin pressed tight to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around my legs. I tried to get my breathing under control, inhaling deeply but my chest was too tight and I couldn’t get a full breath in. Blood rushed through my ears, the world turned blurry, and then-

“Hey, hey.” Spencer’s voice cut through the chaos, his warm hands gently reaching out to hold onto my forearm, pulling me out of the pretzel I had wrapped myself into. “Look at me.” He whispered. I willed my eyes to raise, locking eyes with him. He was kneeling across from me on the floor, hands now holding my own gently. “You’re here. You’re safe.” He said seriously. I nodded, closing my eyes and dropping my head back, breathing deeply until it felt normal again.

As the adrenalin in my bloodstream dwindled, my body sagged with exhaustion. Tears pricked my eyes in embarrassment, pulling my hands away from Spencer to press them into my eyes. Here he was, comforting me, despite knowing how I felt. Knowing how I had been using him this week. It was proof he was too good for me. I took a shaky breath, trying not to let myself panic again. He probably just pitied me.

When I had gathered myself enough, I sniffled and looked back at him. He had settled onto the ground, his back against the bed, looking at me with such concern. I picked up the letter from the ground where it had fallen when I broke down. I scanned it, as if I didn’t have the whole thing memorized. At the thought I remembered - Spencer also had it memorized now. He knew every word by heart the second he laid eyes on it. The thought made my breath hitch again.

“I never-” I swallowed tightly. “I never wanted you to read this.”

Spencer was quiet for a long time. I didn’t dare look up, terrified to see the look of pity that was sure to be present before he rejected me for good. I will love you endlessly, Spencer Reid. If only it wasn’t so true.

“At least you didn’t write your secret.” Spencer finally said. My eyes snapped to him, my brow furrowing. He was clearly upset, but trying to pretend it was a good thing. “Although I-I wish you would tell me.”

I realized all at once that he hadn’t understood the letter at all. He thought that I had gotten cut off. He couldn’t even imagine me confessing my love to him. He probably couldn’t even think of me in a romantic sense. I wasn’t sure if it was better or worse than outright rejection.

“I can’t.” I said quietly.

Spencer bit his lip harshly, wringing his hands together in his lap. “Why not? You know I would never judge you.”

“It’s not-It’s not important.” I folded the letter, going to stand up. A hand on my ankle stopped me, Spencer leaning over to halt my motions.

“[Y/N].” There were words unspoken, a silent plea for me to tell him the meaning behind the letter. I knew that I couldn’t do it though. I couldn’t tell him, watch the realization happen, watch the understanding dawn on his features. I shook my head as I stood, his fingers slipping off of my ankle.

“It’s not important.” I repeated, grabbing my towel and escaping to the bathroom.

I took a long time in the shower. Spencer must have realized I was waiting him out, because eventually he turned out the light and I slipped into the room quietly. When I got in bed, I planned to just drift off, but Spencer wasn’t stupid. His voice softly cut through the darkness.

“[Y/N], I’m sorry. That letter was private, and maybe I shouldn’t have picked it up.” I heard him swallow, and his voice sounded tight. “But no one’s- no one’s ever said those things about me before. And I just wanted to say thank you. And that I’m here if you want to talk.”

I rolled over so I was facing him, and could just barely make out his face in the moonlight that draped over the bed. “You’re welcome, Spencer. Every word of that letter is true. You deserve to hear it more often.”

His face melted and he shimmied closer to me, hands still tucked under his own head. “For the record, I will love you endlessly, too.” He admitted quietly. My heart leaped into my throat. “You’re one of the most amazing people I know, and there’s no one I’d be prouder to have as my best friend.”

My smile must have had a hint of melancholy when I said “Thanks, Spence.” I knew the truth but when he said it like that it hurt. I loved being his best friend, for a long time I was convinced it was all I needed. Maybe one day I could get back there, and be around him without feeling like there were knives in my heart.

“You deserve to hear it more often.” He repeated my own words back to me with a small smirk. I rolled my eyes, but he finally reached out and pulled me close. “Just because you’re keeping a secret from me doesn’t mean we don’t get cuddles.” He said almost petulantly.

“Of course, how silly of me.” I caved, resting my head on his chest.

He cradled my head in his hand, fingers dancing in my hair, and just before I fell asleep I swore I felt a brush of his lips on my forehead.

I must’ve been dreaming.

[Night 5]

<<<<>>>>

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hookingminor · 4 years ago

Text

4 times his friends posted you on their instagram + 1 time he did - mat barzal

a/n: I wrote this literally back in july so lets just ignore how idealistic this is regarding quarantine but im a slut for some barzy this is all fluff

word count: 4,733

summary: like the title says, some friends (with benefits?) to lovers + a tyson cameo, fluffy summer quarantine fic

tagging @davidpastrsnack so kate can get on the barzy train

To say the whole quarantine thing was an inconvenience was an understatement. School had ended online, your summer internship was cancelled, and it seemed like your summer would turn into an uneventful couple of months stuck in your apartment in, probably, the worst place to be stuck in during a pandemic: New York City.

Or so you thought.

You’d planned on having the most boring summer ever until your friend, Mat, had invited you to hole up away with him and a few friends in a lake house back in Vancouver. Well, friend was a loose term. The two of you were friends… just ones that kissed occasionally… and sometimes more than kissed. You’d met him about a year ago at a bar while he was out with his teammates after a game. A cliche meeting, but you hit it off instantly. Instead of ending up in his bed at the end of the night (which you would eventually end up at after a couple months), it turned into an exchange of numbers and an invitation to hang out later in the week.

You hadn’t thought anything of it at first, just thinking he was being friendly and wanting to end the conversation, so you were surprised to get a text the next day from an unknown number asking if you’d wanted to go on a bike ride.

Flashforward a year later and the two of you still went on bike rides together. At least, up until the pandemic started.

When the text came telling you to pack your bags for a month or so, you thought he was joking. Surely he couldn’t have meant you to join him in Vancouver over the summer? You were proven wrong when he showed up at your apartment the next day, two coffees in his hand.

“Uh, hi, Mathew,” you said hesitantly, opening your door to reveal your disheveled state, having just woken up.

“Why are you dressed like that? We have a plane to catch in four hours,” he said, pushing himself through your door, uninvited, to set the coffees on the counter.

“What are you doing here? What plane? You’re not supposed to be going out,” you reprimanded him for showing up unannounced and in the middle of quarantine.

“I told you we’re going to Vancouver, I know you read my text. Now let’s hurry up and pack, we gotta get going,” Mat rushed, already on the way to your bedroom.

You followed him after a brief moment once you’d processed what was going on. Mat had already pulled out your suitcase and set it on top of your bed by the time you entered the door. He was in the middle of rifling through your drawers and grabbing random garments to throw into the suitcase when you’d spoken again.

“You’re actually serious about this?”

“Of course I am. What better things do you have to do in a city on lockdown for an entire summer? Honestly, I’m doing you a favor,” he explained easily, turning back to grab more items.

“Oh, you’re doing me a favor? Thank you, Mat, for saving me from a summer of suffering. It’s not like I had other plans to find different internships or focus on my summer classes,” you replied sarcastically.

Mat rolled his eyes. “I am doing you a favor, and you’re doing me a favor by going. I need a hot piece of ass to get me through this, or I will lose my mind.” You slugged him on the shoulder in offense, but all he did was chuckle.

“And anyways, you can still do your classes in Vancouver. Instead of doing them locked in this apartment, you can do them lounged out under the Canadian sun. Preferably in a bikini,” he finished. You slugged his arm again, harder this time.

“In fact, you should take the red bikini, it makes your tits look amazing,” he said, noticing you shuffling through your swimsuits. You rolled your eyes at him but grabbed the red one anyway along with a couple others.

With both of you folding and packing, your bags were ready to go in record time.

“Alright, baby, let’s go.” And so you were off.

A week had gone by in total bliss. As much as you hated to admit it, Mat was right. Vacationing in Vancouver in a secluded lake house was a lot better than being alone in your apartment, even if you did still have classes to do. Mat teased you about it, but he always left you alone for a few hours in the day for you to focus on your work. Unless he really wanted something… like right now.

Mat had joined you laying on the couch while you were in the middle of annotating a book for class. He wiggled his way between your arms, causing you to break your hold on your book. He rested his head on your chest, arms wrapped around your middle, and nuzzled his face into your neck. Joining your hands back to your book and bringing your highlighter to the page, you continued to underline phrases you’d come back to later. A couple minutes passed in silence before Mat started sighing. And then he sighed again.

“What do you want?” you huffed out, closing your book with the pen marking your page.

“Let’s go swimming,” he said, pushing up to his elbows to look at your face.

“I have to finish, like, three more chapters today,” you explained.

“You can do that later. I want to go swimming now,” Mat whined.

“You know you sound like a petulant child right now, right?” you asked, moving a hand to his head, pushing his hair back as he pouted.

“Stop using big words on me. Let’s swim,” he said, rolling his eyes.

You paused to think about it for a moment, “Hmm… okay, I guess,” you said with a smile. Mat returned your smile with one of his own before hopping up to drag you to your room to change. It didn’t take much to convince you to swim. It was a really nice day out, and you didn’t really care to finish reading about 17th century philosophy.

You changed into your red bikini, Mat swapped his shorts for a pair of swim trunks, and threw on a backwards baseball cap. You went out back to join the rest of his friend group, who were in the process of loading up the boat with supplies and equipment.

“Oh, look, if it isn’t Brainiac and the Beast. Are you two finally going to go boating with us?” Tyson shouted from the dock. You rolled your eyes at his nickname they created for you and Mat. It had only been a week in Vancouver, but the chirps about you and school were tired by now.

“Princess here wants to swim in the pool, maybe next time!” you shouted back, pointing to Mat.

They laughed at your response, turning their attention back to the boat and running supplies to and from the house. You turned your attention back to Mat, who was taking off his hat and was about two seconds away from jumping in the pool.

“Mathew, stop!” you yelled out, “Get your ass over here!”

“What is it?” he asked, stopping just short of the deep end. He grumbled before marching over to you.

“You need to put sunscreen on first, dumbass,” you reprimanded. As you turned your back to grab the bottle of sunscreen, he rolled his eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, Mat,” you said sharply, turning back to face him with a raised eyebrow.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, baby.”

You ignored him, opening the cap and squeezing lotion onto your hands. You gestured him to turn around, and you spread the lotion over it, making sure to rub it into his shoulders.

“I don’t see why I have to put sunscreen on. It’s not even that hot outside,” he muttered.

“First of all, you’re a dumbass. Second of all, heat doesn’t automatically mean the UV rays aren’t strong. And lastly, you’re white, baby, you’ll burn like a sun-dried tomato and being in water only increases the amount of sun you’re exposed to,” you explained, reaching up to rub some on his face.

“Sorry, Miss Meteorologist,” he grumbled, clearly not happy he’d lost this argument.

“One of us has to have brains. We can’t all get by on our good looks and skating ability,” you replied, slapping his cheeks when you were done for good measure.

“Okay, well, if you’re finally done,” you nodded in confirmation, “Let’s go.” He picked you up from under your thighs and ran at full speed towards the pool before you could even process what was happening. You screamed his name in protest begging him to put you down, claiming you hadn’t had time to put on sunscreen yet. He ignored you as he jumped into the deep end, dragging you with him.

You emerged from the water clinging to Mat’s wet body, your hair sopping and hanging over your face like you had come straight out of the movie The Grudge. Mat was laughing at your chaotic look, knowing you were well pissed at him. You jumped higher in the water on top of him to dunk his head under and tried your best to drown him.

It wasn’t until you were relaxing on the couch later that night doing your routinely social media scroll that you saw one of the guys recorded your sunscreen interaction by the pool, you calling Mat a dumbass, and him throwing you in the pool onto their instagram story with a caption “all these two do is fight” with some laughing crying emojis added for effect.

After a long day or hiking, you’d immediately crashed on the couch once you’d gotten back to the house, not bothering to walk all the way to your room. It was only early in the afternoon but you’d been out since sunrise, and dealing with people for hours on end had drained you. The group laughed at you as you plopped your body down onto the couch, curling your head under your arm instead of grabbing the pillow two feet away from you. The rest of them gathered in the kitchen, refueling their bodies with assorted snacks as they started popping open bottles of beer, ready to start the night. It seemed that even an entire day on their feet had not emptied them of their, seemingly endless, energy.

“Jesus Christ, we hiked for, like, six hours and you’re all still bouncing off the walls,” you sighed deeply.

“We’re about to go hit the boat and go water skiing, too. I’m assuming you’re too tired to join us?” Tyson teased.

“I will not be joining you because unlike some people, I need a nap. Now get out of here, you’re all giving me a headache,” you said, pinching your fingers on the bridge of your nose to emphasize your point.

They all snickered but kept quiet as they shuffled around, packing up more food to take outside. You heard the sliding door shut and close a few times as they ran in and out before it was finally silent. You let out a sigh of relief as you took solace in the calm quiet.

That was until you felt a pair of arms shifting you closer to the edge of the couch. You peeked one eye open to see Mat rolling your body over to give him some space as he climbed over your body to nestle himself between you and the back cushions.

“Not going out on the boat?” You asked as he tucked a pillow under the both of your heads and pulled a blanket over your bodies.

“No. They’re exhausting. I need some time for myself,” Mat replied, wrapping his arm around your middle to pull you into his chest.

“No offense, but if you’re with me, you’re not by yourself,” you explained, closing your eyes again as you settled into a comfortable position.

“Yeah, but you’re you. You don’t exhaust me,” he said quietly. You didn’t know what to say to that, so you didn’t answer. Within a few seconds you heard Mat’s breathing even out, and you followed quickly behind him into a deep sleep.

A couple hours passed in a dreamless sleep when you heard the sliding of doors and laughter travel through the house. It stirred you from your sleep and you both shifted around, letting out displeased groans.

“Are they both still asleep?” You heard one of them ask from the kitchen. Neither of you wanted to answer in hopes they would leave you two to continue sleeping.

You were sadly mistaken.

“Hey! Sleeping beauties! Time to get up!” Tyson shouted from somewhere above you.

You both groaned out a “Fuck off, Tyson,” without opening your eyes, both of you giving him the middle finger. Tyson laughed to himself and you expected him to keep bothering you, but you heard his footsteps lead away from the couch. You turned over on your other side, tucking your face into Mat’s neck before falling back asleep.

When you woke up later that evening, you checked instagram again to see Tyson posted a new story. It was the video of him bothering you two and flipping him off with a caption that said “I get no respect around here :(“

It had been raining all day. Which meant everyone was stuck inside watching movies and eating pizza. It didn’t take long for you to get bored of lounging on the couch, especially when all they wanted to do was watch Fast and Furious movies. You sat on the loveseat you were sharing with Mat, and you distracted yourself from the boring movie by tangling your hands in your hair, French braiding the strands into pigtails mindlessly. You unbraided and rebraided your hair into a fishtail after the pigtails, and then into a regular braided ponytail after that. You let yourself get caught up in daydreams as you stared blankly at the TV when Mat started tugging on your leg. Dropping your braid, you finished tying it off with a hair tie and turned to look at him.

“Let me practice on you,” Mat said quietly.

“Practice what?” You asked.

“Braiding,” he said, shuffling to sit upright. He tried to gently push you off the couch until you got the hint and moved to sit between his legs on the floor.

“You think you can do it?” You asked, ready to offer him a demonstration.

“I’ve been watching you for the past half hour, I got this,” he replied, pulling out your hair tie. You rolled your eyes at his confidence, but let him continue unraveling the strands.

Every few minutes Mat would sigh exasperatedly before pulling out the twists he’d made to start over. Eventually, he’d almost gotten all the way to the end of your hair before he sighed again, clearly fed up by how long this was taking him. You didn’t say anything as he restarted for a third time, going for a straight back braid instead of a French braid.

After another ten minutes, Mat had finally completed his simple braid, tying your hair off with the tie. He tapped your shoulder to indicate he was done, and you pulled the long tail over your shoulder to look at it.

It was a braid.

An extremely loose one where he mixed up the strand order in a couple places, but a braid nonetheless. You turned around to get back up on the couch, and you were met with his triumphant smile.

“Good job, bud,” you complimented, leaving the braid in as you resumed your previous position on the couch.

You checked your phone to find a notification of a new story tag. You opened the app to see a picture of you on the floor, staring at the TV while Mat had his hands twisted in your hair and a confused look on his face and tongue poking out of his mouth. Next to your instagram tag was “he’s been knotting her hair on purpose for 20 minutes now”

Your final exams for the summer classes you were taking were in a week. Finals stressed you out more than anything else in the world, and when you were stressed, you did a lot of baking. A lot of baking. After finishing your finals study schedule and nearly breaking down almost twice because of the amount you had to get done, you decided to start baking instead of going to sleep. So, at 3 in the morning when everyone was asleep, you’d turned on the oven and brought out the bowls.

It began with a few dozen cookies. You figured everyone could at least enjoy the cookies. Who didn’t like cookies?

Cookies turned into muffins, muffins into cupcakes, and then cupcakes into pies. By the time everyone was waking up, it was nearly eleven in the morning. You’d gone to the store twice and had taken a few twenty minute naps while you waited for your desserts baked in the oven. And right now, you were in the middle of finishing off some cinnamon rolls for breakfast

“Oh my god, what the hell happened here?” Mat had asked with a scared expression, taking note of the disastrous kitchen. You didn’t answer him as you were topping off the rolls with some icing.

A few more bodies had gathered in the kitchen and began to fill the seats at the countertop while they watched you with worried eyes.

“What?” You asked innocently, placing the plates of cinnamon rolls in front of all of them. Their eyes followed you carefully as you pulled more goods out of the oven where you were keeping them warm. Plate after plate you set on the counter, all the cookies and muffins and cakes.

“How long have you been up?” Tyson asked cautiously. You swear you’ve never heard him use a softer voice than right now.

“I’m not sure. I never went to sleep, I guess? What time is it now?” You asked, pulling out glasses for orange juice.

“Nearly noon. You seriously didn’t sleep?” Tyson asked. The others had delved into the confections, eyes bouncing between the two of you as they stuffed their faces.

“She’s stress baking,” Mat replied quietly, helping himself to a cinnamon roll.

“What the hell is tress baking?” One of the other guys asked.

“Yeah she does this when she’s stressed. Usually when finals are coming up,” Mat said, directing it more towards you than his friend. You gave him a sheepish look, deciding not to comment since he already answered for you.

Mat was used to your stress baking as it resulted in you showing up at his place in the middle of the night with bags full of pastries in the late hours of the evening. It was always against his diet and he frequently gave most of your desserts to his neighbor, but he could never tell you no when you arrived with gifts.

“Well, I’m all out of flour, so, I’m going to run to the store again to get some more supplies so I can make a chocolate cake later,” you said hurriedly.

You did a quick double check of the kitchen, flashing all the guys a bright smile before heading out the door with your purse in hand, all of them staring until the front door shut behind you.

When you came back, you found Mat in the kitchen doing the dishes and nearly all the sweets you’d baked earlier were eaten or wrapped and put away. Maybe there was a plus side to being in a home with five other people.

“Mat, you don’t have to do that,” you said, setting your groceries down and hip checking him away from the sink.

“You’re already stressed, I figured doing the dishes would take away some of that,” he said with a shrug. He continued rinsing out some bowls as you gave him a small smile.

The two of you continued to wash the dishes in silence, moving to clean the countertops when you were done. After half an hour, the mess you’d made was gone and any signs of a baking breakdown had been erased.

It was a shame you were about to tear up the kitchen all over again.

“How about this,” Mat said, noticing the frown on your face at the thought of making another mess, “Let’s have a competition.”

You quirked your eyebrow, “I’m listening.”

“You said you were making a chocolate cake, right? How about we see who can make the better cake,” Mat propositioned.

You raised both your eyebrows this time. You both knew you were the better baker by a long shot. You did have this same breakdown at least twice a year. You weren’t even sure Mat knew how to make anything that didn’t come with box instructions or included possible salmonella-inducing ingredients.

You knew what he was really trying to do. He was trying to distract you from all the stress, and he knew you couldn’t turn down a competition. You were just as bad as him when it came to winning. Thankfully, this was something you knew you’d win.

“Fine, but I hope you’re prepared to lose,” you agreed with a smile.

“I don’t know, I have been practicing my cooking skills lately,” he said, grabbing the bowls he’d just dried off.

“Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it,” you replied with an eye roll and heavy sarcasm.

You joined him in gathering all the ingredients and materials on the counter, setting up your respective stations. Mat divided the workspace in half, drawing a line in flour which made you laugh. You split the bowls between the sides and set up the ingredients on the second counter just like an actual cooking show.

“Okay, ground rules first. Half an hour to make the cakes, we bake them at the same time, and then another half hour for decorating at the end,” you explained, tying your hair back in a ponytail. Mat nodded at your statement and set a timer on his phone for 30 minutes.

“Ready.”

“Set.”

“Go!”

After about two hours, your creations were done. Well, they were supposed to be. Mat’s cake looked more or less like a brown lump coated in frosting and stripes. You’d tried your best to decorate yours with small chocolate roses, but you could’ve turned out a plain cake and probably would have done better.

“I think I won,” you stated confidently.

“You’re not allowed to decide, you’re biased! I’ll make a poll on my story,” Mat said, going to grab his phone.

“You can’t do that, your followers are going to pick yours.”

“Fine, we’ll get someone else to do it— Josty! Come here,” Mat called to his friend passing through the kitchen. He hesitantly walked over to where you were, not wanting to come in the middle of whatever you two were shouting about.

“We need you to make an instagram poll to see who’s cake looks better. Oh, and you’re going to taste test them,” you said, picking up your cake to pose for a picture as Mat did the same. Tyson sighed before realizing you two were serious and he opened his app to take a picture.

He added the photo to his story with a poll asking “Which one is better?” With two options, Y/N’s or Mat’s.

After you set the cakes back down, Tyson picked up a fork before stabbing them to pick out a chunk from each. He ate yours first, nearly moaning at the taste.

“Holy shit, this is, like, the best cake I’ve ever eaten,” Tyson said, shoveling down another forkful. You gave Mat a shit-eating grin.

“Okay, okay, try mine now,” Mat said, displeased. Tyson rolled his eyes before forking out some of his.

“Uh,” he coughed, “it’s a little,” cough, “dry.”

“What? No, it’s not! Let me try,” Mat shouted, outraged, and grabbed Tyson’s fork to try for himself.

It took him two seconds before he was spitting the cake into a napkin.

“Fine. You win,” Mat conceded, throwing a dish towel against the counter in mock fury.

You gloated for another 5 minutes, pointing out Mat’s terrible baking skills as Tyson continued to eat your cake and laugh at Mat.

You won the instagram poll too.

+ 1

It was the last week before you and Mat were flying back to New York. The past month had passed quickly, and Mat needed to get back for the start of training camps. As the summer began to end, the whole crew thought they’d spend one last day on the boat before everyone started parting ways.

It’s not like you were opposed to being on boats, but when all the guys did was water sports and no one wanted to slow down to teach you, it wasn’t as fun.

Today, however, had been quite calm as you sat against the front of the boat, a seltzer in hand as you watched Tyson wakeboarding in the back. Mat was curled up behind you as you leaned back against his chest, tanned skin shining in the summer sun. You reached back to grab the baseball cap off his head, placing it on yours to shield your eyes from the sun. You’d forgotten to bring sunglasses, and you figured Mat could part with his hat since he had a pair.

The day passed peacefully as all the guys took turns until it was sunset. Mat had joined you back on the seat, skin wet from just getting out of the water. He wrapped you in his arms before pulling you onto his lap, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek.

“Hey, Tys, take a picture of us real quick,” Mat said, shoving his phone into Tyson’s chest.

You thought nothing of it, you and Mat had taken many pictures together, and this was no different. Mat rested his chin on your shoulder, his arms wrapped around your stomach as you both gave your cheesiest smiles to the camera. A quick shutter indicated the picture was taken and Tyson gave Mat his phone back.

Mat called your name from your bed as you stood in the adjoined bathroom, finishing your nightly routine.

“Hey, do you mind if I post that picture of us on my instagram?” Mat called out.

“The one from the boat? Why?” You asked, drying off your face with a towel.

“It’s a cute picture,” he shrugged when you reentered the room.

“People are going to start talking if you do,” you warned with a cautious tone.

He paused for a second.

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Mat asked quietly, looking up to meet your eyes.

You stayed silent as you climbed in under the covers.

“What are you trying to say, Mat?”

He took a deep breath, “I think you’re amazing, you know that. And we’ve been friends for so long, it kind of feels natural, doesn’t it?” His fingers began tapping against the sheets anxiously as he held his breath and waited for your response.

You gave him a small smile, moving your body around to fully face him.

“It does,” you agreed, “But if you want us to be something more, you’re going to have to ask me on a date first.”

“A date? After I’ve already gotten you into bed? What’s the point?” You knew he meant it as a joke since he could barely finish the sentence without laughing, but you gently slapped his head as he began to apologize.

“I’m kidding!” He said between chuckles, “Will you go on a date with me once we get back to New York and it’s safe to go out again?”

“I’d love to, Mat,” you replied, leaning in to give him a sweet kiss.

“I’m still going to post that photo tomorrow, though,” he said after a short pause, smiling against your lips.

The next day when Mat had gone on a fishing trip with the guys, you saw a notification pop up on your phone.

“@barzal97 tagged you in a photo”

You unlocked your phone.

“Isolation isn’t so bad when you have this girl to spend it with”

#mat barzal #mat barzal imagine #nhl imagines #hockey imagine #nhl fic #my writing #isles13

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otrtbs · 2 years ago

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Hello love! Hope Scotland has been treating you well! What's the weather like over there? It's cold and wet here and there's a massive tree in my neighbours yard that keeps having it's branches broken off in the wind in the middle of the night (it's terrfying).

Here as this week's random questions! (as always you don't have to answer if you don't want to)

If you could change the colour of giffaree's skin, what colour would you change it to?

Would you commit murder if it meant that your pet got that person's remaining lifespan?

Do you watch movies/series on Netflix with or without the closed captions?

Tomatoes and Avocado(e)s (If you add an 'e' to tomatoes would you not also add one to avocado?) are they fruit or vegetables?

What makes you happier, someone making a playlist for you or someone annotating a book for you (both is also an acceptable answer)?

Would you ever marry someone solely for medical benefits/help them gain citizenship (to help you or them)?

Lastly, and most importantly, mushrooms. Do you eat them or are they disguisting?

Sorry that it's so long, I'm very curious today apparently. Please tell tcb I miss and love her. Ily and I adore you always <3

hello!! <3 Scotland is good! The last few days it’s been pretty nice outside w sunshine so I’ve been going out to parks and things!! It was pretty cloudy and slightly rainy today though!! (That tree sounds terrifying! Also I can only imagine the noise it makes?? It would scare me so bad in the middle of the night 😭)

omg yay I’m so excited !

1. I want giraffes to be neon pink. For no other reason than I think it would be very rad to see hot pink giraffes chilling and eating leaves and such ahdjfkska

2. I would not commit murder 😭 My pet would live but at what cost you know? I’d look at my little dog and feel guilty asf 😔

3. I need closed captions!!! My hearing is better with closed captions on I swear

4. Tomatoes and Avacado(e)s (you make a very good point) are fregetables 😌 (actually though I do want to say I lean more towards vegetables ig?)

5. SOMEONE ANNOTATING A BOOK FOR ME !!!! if you annotate a book for me I will fall in love you (fact). i don’t think there’s anything better. plus you get to know someone’s else’s thoughts and what they loved the most about a book and quotes they felt were important enough to underline (you can know someone so well by their annotations in a way sometimes I feel like you don’t get with Playlists idk)

6. I would marry someone for medical benefits/to help them get citizenship. I don’t think I would marry someone so I could get medical benefits or citizenship but if someone I knew fairly well needed help like that and it was the only thing I could do, I would it for someone else (if that makes sense?)

7. I do not eat mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. Every few years I try to eat a mushroom to see if my tastes have changed. They haven’t. Mushrooms are gross.

I love and adore you !! :,)) <3333

#asks

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feelingofcontent · 3 years ago

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DNP Rewatch: My Google Search History 2!

Date video was published: 02/25/2019 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 389

Phil’s first Google Search History video was all the way back in 2013, so he hadn’t used this idea for a while.

0:00 - Phil looks so nice in red

0:08 - “a bit of a risky move” might be an understatement

0:15 - don’t think I want to know. although I tend to use incognito tabs for things I think are just dumb for me to be searching, lol

0:23 - this is the most random insert-clip; there are no others in this video. and I’m pretty sure this is the only time we ever see that particular bed at the second London flat(s). pretty sure it’s not the main bedroom bed or the “AmazingPhil” bed

0:36 - random animal facts from Phil

0:53 - this was just from earlier in the month. he talked about being sick in his last video

1:03 - yikes he was really having all the symptoms; poor Phil

1:18 - this was from the day they filmed the mukbang video, lol

1:30 - really don’t want to know how this discussion started 😳

1:54 - thanks for sharing there Phil...

2:00 - “too much” indeed

2:07 - that does look exactly like something Phil would want

2:20 - I have never seen an episode of Riverdale and I think I’m going to keep it that way

2:23 - that was from before the tour. but some foreshadowing to them eventually getting a fish!

2:33 - I like that he shares some of the results from the searches too

2:40 - he gets distracted so easily 😂

2:48 - important. and disappointing afterwards

2:52 - Dan had been going running in January 2019, but Phil must have also been going with him too 🥺

3:01 - at that point in August they were in Australia, so maybe he was trying to figure out an animal he saw?

3:21 - I always thought that was a cute merch idea from Phil

3:30 - he had several spons from them pretty close together

4:25 - “the most important one” lol of course

4:34 - nope, that was several months after they did the sims dog video...so just looking it up for fun I guess

4:39 - that was the day of their oscars party, so maybe looking for cocktail recipes?

4:53 - ahahaha, that’s great. I wonder how often he googles himself

5:01 - this is so funny. also he sounds like he can’t believe he’s written two books. Vulgar Wasp no longer shows up when you google Phil, but the sequel to it does 😂

5:21 - this feels like a fever-induced accidental search

5:24 - pretty sure this was for editing the final Dan vs. Phil gaming video...peach emoji was for the same bit

5:37 - they had been eating that specific pizza for so many years!

5:52 - that is a dangerous game to use the power of his audience

6:04 - can’t decide if those are cute or not

6:11 - love the annotation call-out of himself

6:13 - this is so sweet 🥺 there were a lot of casual Dan mentions in Phil’s videos at the start of 2019

6:43 - hahaha, that’s just the week before this

6:46 - probably for a spooky week video? too lazy to figure out which one though

6:53 - important! don’t want a smoky candle...what did he think was going to happen sticking his hand in the candle, haha

7:22 - this is probably the weirdest one without context 😂

7:34 - I feel like I would have been happier not knowing this

7:43 - this is when they were in Brazil for the II movie premiere and Q&A

7:53 - “I won...all his...wealth” um. not sure I want to know what he actually won

8:09 - that’s adorable. also, so many “me and Dan”s in this video

8:17 - don’t want to know why he was googling that a couple days after Christmas while still at his parents’ house

8:30 - oh...oh dear

8:36 - I don’t think he talked about this in the previous video

8:57 - root beer really does have a weird flavor when you think about it

9:17 - where did “universe” come from? Phil doesn’t even know what happened in his brain

9:20 - now I want to try something dandelion and burdock flavored to see if it is similar

9:36 - why do they have random face masks in a desk drawer

9:52 - this is disturbing...face masks that are supposed to look like something specific usually are

These videos are entertaining. Although half the time Phil has no idea why he googled something. The ones that he has a story for are good.

Phil also shared some hilarious outtakes of himself posing for the thumbnail of this video.

#dan and phil #dnp #dnpRewatch #amazingphil #phil lester #amazingphil videos #My Google Search History 2!

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prongsandhisfoot · 2 years ago

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i was reminded today that i once made a playlist of songs related to prongsfoot in some way and i don’t think i’ve ever actually?? listened to it, but i’m going to listen to it for the first time! and try to remember my reasoning...

1. keep away - lou reed

i genuinely don’t remember this song. may 6, 2022...yeah, no recollection. my best guess is i was reading pioneers for the second or third time and made some parallels with the lyrics. reading the lyrics now, i kind of see it? in a more ironic/lying way...i’ll probably delete it, though it’s a very fun song tbh, so i’m glad i re-listened to it!

2. thick as thieves - the jam

this one is pretty obvious. i could just copy and paste the whole song lol, but that’s a little too much, so i’ll just paste the first few verses! second half is just as prongsfoot-y though. for similarly clear reasons.

Times were so tough, but not as tough as they are now We were so close and nothing came between us, and the world No personal situations Thick as thieves us, we'd stick together for all time And we meant it but it turns out just for a while We stole, the friendship that bound us together

We stole from the schools and their libraries We stole from the drugs that sent us to sleep We stole from the drink that made us sick We stole anything that we couldn't keep And it was enough, we didn't have to spoil anything And always be as thick as thieves

Like a perfect stranger, you came into my life Then like the perfect lone ranger, you rode away, rode away Rode away, rode away

3. pale blue eyes - vu

i genuinely annotated a copy of this song in the book i have of lou reed’s lyrics from the perspective of prongsfoot. something was wrong with me but also, i was right. this one is a bit (lot) more metaphorical than #2, hence my annotations lol, so i’ll just paste the most obvious bit:

It was good what we did yesterday And I’d do it once again The fact that you are married Only proves you’re my best friend But it's truly, truly a sin

as for the eponymous “linger on, your pale blue eyes,” i wrote in the book that it represents sirius losing his memories of james while in azkaban--aka him lingering on james while alone for a decade lol, and his memories of james changing. according to what i wrote, “pale” represents how he’s losing his memories (i.e. they’re losing color; paling) and “blue eyes” represents the same exact thing--or more specifically, how he’s remembering incorrectly, since james’s eyes are hazel (and sirius’s are grey). this is so funny and terrible

edit: i almost forgot the other pretty clear verse??

Thought of you as my mountaintop Thought of you as my peak Thought of you as everything I've had, but couldn't keep I've had, but couldn't keep

4. i’m sticking with you - vu

another fairly very obvious one (this song is literally james and sirius in the levicorpus flashback scene lmao). the clearest parts:

Anything that you might do I'm gonna do too

and then

But with you by my side I can do anything When we swing We hang past right and wrong

I'll do anything for you Anything you want me to

5. red right ankle - the decembrists

this one is literally since a prongsfoot fic i have bookmarked is named after this song and inspired by it lmaoo

here’s the first two verses:

This is the story of your red right ankle And how it came to meet your leg And how the muscle, bone, and sinews tangled And how the skin was softly shed

And how it whispered, "Oh, adhere to me For we are bound by symmetry And whatever differences our lives have been We together make a limb" This is the story of your red right ankle

“oh, adhere to me // for we are bound by symmetry / and whatever differences out lives have been // we together make a limb” tbh that’s all i care to include, the rest is just for context lol.

adhere to me <-> i’m sticking with you lmaooo

6. black and gold - sam sparro

this is the most cringy of them all. i promise it’s not just because of the title that this is here. it’s still cringy either way but still. tbh someone needs to give this to the jegulus fandom they’d eat it up. the “black and gold” at the very least

'Cause if you're not really here Then the stars don't even matter Now I'm filled to the top with fear That it's all just a bunch of matter

Cause if you're not really here I don't want to be either I wanna be next to you Black and gold, black and gold, black and gold

also this part, which this fic comes from. (it’s not exactly a favorite fic of mine but it is a readable prongsfoot fic, which is rare enough for me to call a fic with a “misunderstandings” plot readable)

I look up into the night sky And see a thousand eyes staring back And all around these golden beacons I see nothing but black

7. barracuda - john cale

tbh i could explain every line & verse as prongsfoot-y but some are less obvious and some are more obvious so i’ll just do what i’ve been doing and paste the most obvious lol

Barracuda, barracuda Won't you lay down your life to me? Won't you love me barracuda? If you always need to bring out the worst in me

and then, of course

The ocean will have us all The ocean will have us all

and finally (think of this in reference to poa lol)

Dead forest with the moon arising Smiling at you out of reach

8. supplier! - crisaunt

this is...not exactly my type of song?? to be honest i don’t even know the prongsfoot reference but i do remember adding it...i just don’t have a clue why

9. what’s good (the thesis) - lou reed

this is what made me remember this playlist!

Life's like a mayonnaise soda And life's like space without room And life's like bacon and ice cream That's what life's like without you

Life's like forever becoming But life's forever dealing in hurt Now life's like death without living That's what life's like without you

and then

What's good is life without living What good's this lion that barks You loved a life others throw away nightly It's not fair, not fair at all

pretty simple!

the verdict: i’m taking off keep away, black and gold, and supplier. now it’s a 6-song, 22 minute playlist, lol. i doubt anyone’s read this far but if you have--suggestions?

#prongsfoot #way too long of a post #cringy playlists

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rumblelibrary · 4 years ago

Text

The Diary of Doctor Laszlo Kreizler

Chapter 1

Synopsis: Alienist’s notes are private, sometimes gruesome, secrets of others and of himself.Those pages belongs to secrecy and decadence, have a glimpse to this world made of drafts, notes, accidents and reflections. Or maybe it is you the only person that should ever reach for it.

While you read this imagine Laszlo mostly at the end of his day, scraping the ideas and the thoughts, adjusting previous notes with additions, closing the day behind himself with a couple of sentences while sitting in his evening robe, a good glass of whiskey and his glasses bridged almost at the tip of his nose. Or maybe imagine yourself, you sneaky thing, reach for it from a far shelf.

Word count: 3k

Warnings: listen, this is the set of ideas and confessions of a man living in the 1890’s. Most of them will be outdated, rough, even deprecating in some analysis of the roles of men, women and social status, religion, etc.So be prepared, my point is to make Laszlo reflect upon those topics, but to be as faithful as I can to his time. Mention of death, mutilation, self harm and a minor depiction of a fight. Psychologically troubled young children ahead! Author’s note: I am a nerd for a good Victorian novel and a sexy Alienist.I have always been charmed by Laszlo’s mind and inner conflicts. So I took the chance and tried to have a run into that rollercoaster. The story is placed between season 1 and season 2.

Diary belonging to Dr. Laszlo Kreizler. This is a professional book of annotations over medical treatments of an alienist toward his patients. Do not disclose and send it back to the address if found: Kreizler’s Institute, xxxxxx, New York City (NY) L.K.

Samuel Griswold Goodrich, Illustrated Natural History of the Animal Kingdom (c1859). Contributed for digitization by University Library, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

Schiller in his “Die Weltweisen” wrote: So long as philosophy keeps together the structure of the Universe so long does it maintain the world’s machinery by hunger and love. From the philosopher point of view sexual life takes a subordinate position in human’s life, from recent studies pushed by European philosophers, everything is about sexuality and its development. I like to think of the experience of being an alienist as the process of Queen Penelope that, while waiting for her husband Ulysses return, undoes her craftwork every night. I undo the fabulous constructs of people’s beliefs to go back to the rough sketch that stands at the beginning of their loss, their complex, their pain. Maybe that’s why working with children is so motivating and fascinating. They can be saved and yet, I am well aware, some of those sketches already traced in their young lives equal to scars that not even the most advanced theories could cure. But I can sooth them. I can prevent them the torment, the anguish, the recollection at night of those monsters. I feel like a poet would be a better alienist than a philosopher, but I have got no poetry nor philosophy in my veins, but the cold experience of the razor blade judgment of Life itself.

Today I observed a fight among the children at the Institute. Age range between 10 and 12. Boys. The fight was over the possession of a side of the playground, the territory of a pack of youngsters formed under the name of Steven. Peculiar lad, coming from a military background finds comfort in replicating the schemes he lived in his family. He takes the role of the Father/Captain of the team and subjects children that come from a similar background story, but do not posses his same attitude to the command. All quiet on the front, until the space he declared is own spot got affected by the presence of others. Intruders. I knowingly let the events unfold to see how Steven would react to his challenged authority. His reaction was, at first, worded, a sketch, a stage-play of an action he witnessed over and over, and he knew the part so well that some of the contending kids lowered their stance against him. Among considering to mildly intervene into this pyramid scheme of authority, another boy, Jan, calls himself on the role of the educator and hero of the masses and proceeds to unfold a wild and well assessed punch on the newly declared dictator face. Balance is established again. No need for me to arbitrate, once more the laws of nature seem to apply to children as in a state of nature.

Meet John Moore over lunch. His job at the newspaper is picking up, he is charmed by the spirits and the wits that he finds in his shared office with all the other writers. He mentions many, goes on and on over qualities and troubles, gossips and tendencies, and even little scandals here and there. To be aware of all those details gives me no interest, but to see a dear friend so invested clearly gives me something to pick up. To consider also the amount of details and the way he describes this or that member of the journal, I can do a small exercise of analysis. It is almost too easy because John is painfully genuine, even some of the kids at the institute would beat him hands down in a battle of lies. The more he likes somebody, the more he goes on about all the details and the characteristics, often letting aside the physical appearance. When he doesn’t like somebody he has a couple of adjectives for the wits and around four or five for the physical aspects that usually indulge on some repulsive idiosyncrasies. John is a man that painfully fits in the storyline of The Picture of Dorian Gray: to him physical beauty is spiritual beauty and, of course, the other way around. This part of him surely intrigues me, makes me want to tease more from him. But, as a friend, it concerns me as John is way too prone to purposelessly decide that somebody with good eyes is also a good human being, which is a very romantic and admirably naive way of judging matters. I noticed some names that keep repeating in his narration. I dread that it is synonymous of a soon encounter from my side with the objects of his admiration. Fetiches, I dare to say, that I will have to annihilate before they sediment into his mind, perpetuating a narration that soon sees John being mislead by others.

Reserved: Tickets for the Eroica, Symphony n. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven. Thursday evening.

Note on the show: the first movement lacked the pathos needed to begin with, I am not sure that the guest orchestra really managed to portray the wider emotional ground needed to withstand the whole representation. As the evening progressed there were some outstanding performances by the cellists. Still not approving the choice of reprising the early quick finale movement against the lengthy set of variations and fugue that we are used to in presence of the Eroica. Underwhelming the performance of the horn and oboe, vital in the comprehension of the genius of Beethoven.

Niki is a new addition of the Institute, quite old for the standards. He is already 16, he will leave when summer ends to some expensive college his family meant him to stay. His parents expect me to make him “normal” in the time we are allowed together. He is Austrian and I let him act it out like I don’t understand German for the first week of hist stay until today. I believe I hit his pride, which is good, in the moment I answered back to one of his sneaky comments. Now he knows. He is not safe from me, he doesn’t like it. The young man has a tendency to danger, risky tasks and edgy situations. In his mother’s own words “Niki is not afraid of anything”. The phrase didn’t raise any excitement in the father, rather some sort of painful acceptance that is role as the alpha male of the house is probably not only being challenged, but already diminished, if not abolished. I have taken in consideration that Niki will break himself a bone or two in the process of the therapy, probably out of the spite of boredom or rebellion. It took him less than few days to turn himself into an outcast among the outcasts, which only drives me closer to analyse the complexity of his narcissistic wall of self defence. I gave him a physical challenge to lift a certain weight, he is a pretty skinny one, he didn’t like the challenge, but I am sure he will take it. He is a brainy guy, he hates to be questioned on unfamiliar ground. He won’t sleep at night thinking about it. A challenge, in this first phase, can only bring me closer to the ease of his pains. To continue the observation.

It is a sad privilege of medicine, in particular the one I practice, to be able to witness the weaknesses of the human nature and the reverse side of life. Nevertheless, I oblige this same privilege of the study as life moves into shades of darkness. To be aware of it gives more solace to my soul than to be victim of patiently waiting for the inevitable unfolding of the events. To be able to understand more about psychology would bring more comfort and elevation to any human being, the times might not be there yet, but eventually something will move into the direction of a more wholesome approach.

Dinner meeting with Sara Howard, at the restaurant Jardin Des Cygnes, 7 pm sharp. Do not expect to reach the dessert. Do not know if John will be participating due to undeniable tension among the two and the fatal despise of John over French cuisine.

The case that Sara unfolded tonight to my ears feels more and more like pulled out from some gothic book or from the mind of a Roman historian that needed to justify the godly origins of an Emperor. One killing, apparently random, a very constructed iconography over the body. Signs and insults, shapes and drawings. Is this a work of art? Does the killer wants his victim to be his Mona Lisa? His David? I am charmed and destabilised. If this was a murder like any other, then why to spend so much time into it? Based on the description the act of killing itself was quick: a sharp cut over the throat, almost like not wanting to ruin too much the surface to use as base for, what? I keep rerunning those symbols over and over as Sara described them to me, my mind is flooded with the designs of greek philosophers that needed to explain themselves why the sky is above our head and never collapses on us. Hilarious how, no matter the science advancement, in the mind of many the sky stands inevitably overt their shoulders, suffocates them, brings them to a death of the soul and not of the body. Is all this graphic charade indeed only a form to scream for attention? To stress the eyes of an unaware viewer? It seems ridiculously elaborate, a scream for attention would be quick, it would be like guided by instinct, not reasoning, craftwork. Any man with a knife can paint in blood red the walls of a room and that’s asking for attention. That is the primal howl: look at me! I am here! But this one. I don’t know yet.

Spent the early morning reading anew my copy of The Metamorphosis by Ovid. Didn’t touch it in a long time and I got bedazzled by the world of terrible sensuality, anger and selfishness of those gods and mortals. I think back at all the deviances and weaknesses of human kind and I try to relate it to all of those humanoid figures. Niki would be a minotaur, the lonesome son left in the labyrinth and his strive for success is his bull’s head. Or maybe a centaur, because of his wits and strategic thinking. I might keep up the process, maybe this is the way to understand my patients better, to understand the killer better. Must remember not to romanticise it. Greek gods were probably the first form of self indulging of a society that needed gods to be forgiving and allowing favours and punishments, but only in exchange of sacrifices. But the sacrifice never comes from the God’s will, but from the will of the man that perpetuates the act of killing. To sacrifice someone or something is the sadistic response to a lack of love deeply inherited in human mind that becomes neurotic. Is the killer giving the God of his own neurosis a body to feast upon?

I talked with Jan this morning. The young boy is about 10, but he acts like a full grown adult. I could easily asses that’s the reason why he could challenge Steven in that fight. Two children mimicking adults situations they know too well. Jan is son of an industrial man, but he is also son of the dialectics of the industrial revolution. He sounds like he swallowed some of those books about working class rights and communism, probably pushed by a resentful surrounding (mother?uncle? the midwife?) over the social role of his father. As much as incredibly smart and lectured, Jan lost most of his early occasions in life by spending a considerable amount of time using his fists. The anger ever present in the young boy always surprises me, he seems to be holding a power, a strength of a full grown man in those tiny arms. Nevertheless, he is already the tallest of the group. He is surely an idealist, which makes him also tragically fragile. His strength mixed with his heart of gold can make him the best of the heroes or the worst of the villains. He apologised for the fight, he specified how he didn’t like the sound of Steven’s voice, more than the sound, the level of pitch. I can’t stand somebody shouting orders, I just don’t listen anymore. He is so mature even about his own feelings, almost a gentleman in his chivalry toward the weaker children, honest with his open heart and resentful against any form of injustice. I am not spared by his ways, he would come at me whenever he feels like I was being partial over some of the kids, his sense of justice blinds him and transform a perfectly balanced boy into a ranging animal.

Ordered book, to be delivered around tomorrow evening: Introduction à la méthode de Léonard de Vinci by Paul Valéry. Suddenly feeling myself as a gross ignorant in art themes. I always regarded myself aware of the artistic personalities and tendencies of present and past, but this new amount of perceptions over the human figure and the human body leads me to document myself more. I could ask John for advice, but he wouldn’t take things at matter that seriously. I can almost hear him say how I can make gruesome a pleasant topic such as art. I should probably wait to see the body to push any further aesthetic study, but I find myself not being able to stop. I reckon, I can allow myself a vice or two.

Today I saw the body of the killed man, courtesy of the Isaacson's. To be fair, I had underestimated it. In Sara’s descriptions, probably due to her more analytic mind, all the charm of the representation got lost in favour of a less cryptic and reasonable understanding of the act. Sara got what some alienists will call a masculine mind, which I don’t perfectly agree on. If I apply that same approach John would be a very feminine mind, all wrapped up in romanticising even the ugliest. I guess that dividing the world in “fragile and gentle” and “strong and powerful” is just easier to explain the fluctuation of something that doesn’t need a real name or a category like human inclinations on thoughts. I got a feverish sense of patience by looking at the body. Each symbol traced with sapient slowness, dense of the time that the killer spent with the body. That is a work of hours, he had time and meaning. He had resources and was able to spend not less than the time he needed to reach, a vision? An ideal? A message? Is it the message meant to be understood? Am I supposed to unravel it or it is maybe just the way the killer communicates within himself? And if I do decifrate the code, will that bring me closer to him? Or to his next victim?

Reminder: ask John to replicate all the symbols on the bodies in the correct measure and order. It might be needed some hard convincing. Addition: scheduled meeting, his house, 3 pm.

It wasn’t a day like any other when I met you. Or maybe it was, and that’s why I got so struck by it and now I am here playing it over and over through what my memory clung on so desperately. In my own experience, life was often similar to swimming in a lake. Those rich, dense lakes in the north of (illegible cancelled word) were my father used to bring us during summer. I still feel the pull, the draw down toward the abyss. It ashamed me, in a way, the fear that such a simple feeling aroused in my young mind, unaware nevertheless, that such a feeling would follow me through all my existence. It was a prophecy and, like most of the prophecies, was a riddle. I cradle in my heart the charm of those days, the mindless happiness. The foolish feeling of freedom. Little I knew that freedom would be taken away from me that soon, that the body that used to navigate me over the dense waters, helping me to fight the haul toward the unknown, would become my own cage. That day. Today. The day where I met you, the day I was afloat. The child gasping for air felt the wrench become a gentle push and now he is floating on his back over the scary waters of reality and malice. It gave me relief and it gave me terror, because since that very moment I knew that I would never be able to move on from the sight of you. From the feeling of your eyes lingering on me. From the smile you so easily shone upon me. From the whiff of imported perfume that hit me when you turned on side exploding that swan like neck. And nothing, not even my stern look, could dim that wave of hope that your sole presence washed over me. The abyss roars, calls me to a home of damnation and terror and curses my name and yet you repeated that hell-bound name of mine after me and I felt safe.

John told me so much about you, it feels like I have always known you.

The rope is gone from my neck, the guillotine won’t fall on me, I am spared, I am free.

I have read your latest article, I am thrilled to help with the case.

I am in disbelief.

Your voice.

Dr. Kreizler

How dare you? How dare you to come into my life, to appear, like a vision, mystical, in a way I despised at University when all those theology students talked about the divine. In this very moment I can’t recollect much of what you said, something about the case, about going with John at the obituary. It feels confusing, I feel overstimulated, my memory fails me, I am not sure anymore. I write these few lines and it is passed the hour of the witches and I wish, I demand, to never see you again, because life should never grant hope to a condemned man.

#dr laszlo kreizler #dr laszlo kreizler imagine #dr laszlo kreizler x reader #dr laszlo kreizler x you #laszlo kreizler #laszlo kreizler headcanons #laszlo kreizler x reader #the alienist fanfic #victorian age #v writes #the diary of doctor laszlo kreizler

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myhoneststudyblr · 5 years ago

Photo

I often get asked for tips on various aspects of creating a studyblr and then how to grow it! It can be really daunting before you start if you don’t know how to go about it or what to post - I remember really wanting to create one for months before I actually built up the courage to make one.

This post is hopefully going to make this easier for you and give you the tips you need to get the best out of your blog!

Disclaimer: this is quite long! i wanted to make it as detailed as possible and it kinda got away from me XD

What is a studyblr?

study + tumblr = studyblr

A studyblr is a tumblr blog that posts anything associated with studying.

These blogs are part of the ‘studyblr community’, which is an online community of students who share their love for studying, stationery and their current lessons and study tips.

Why should you create a studyblr?

There are honestly so many reasons why i think that studyblrs are an amazing thing and why i can’t see myself leaving this community any time soon! here are some of my personal experiences:

1. i want to study! i have always been a very conscientious student and i have always worked very hard but i’m going to be completely honest with you and say that a lot of the time, particularly as i’ve been getting older, it has been a real struggle to get the motivation to do work. since i’ve started my studyblr, i’ve noticed a real increase in my desire to work because i want to have new things to post and talk about. it acts as a sort of outside external motivator!

2. my studying has got more interesting! when i say this, i don't mean the content. i’ve learnt so many new techniques and ways to organise my work that each set of notes that i do is different and i don’t feel like i’m doing the same thing every day!

3. my notes and handwriting have got neater! if you follow me, you might have seen a post from me a while back where i talked about my insecurity about my handwriting because i was *always* the person with the messy handwriting™. unfortunately, i am a perfectionist and i really wanted to have neat handwriting and notes. so my studyblr - because i wanted my posts to look good - made me spend more time focusing on the appearance of my notes and forcing me to slow down (this had been my main problem). now i can see a huge difference and i’ve reached a place where, even though my handwriting will never be the perfect font-like handwriting, it is noticeably neater and more consistent and i now love my pretty and unique handwriting

4. incredible advice about everything studying related! no matter where you are from, or what you study, it is possible to find advice about something that is relevant to you! people in studyblr are going through or have gone through everything you have and they give incredible advice on some many different things, from college applications and how to study a certain subject, to book recommendations and notetaking tips. but there are also plenty of tips on lifestyle and self-care, which are invaluable. even if you can’t find a post that helps you, you can always send someone an ask or a message and they’ll always try to help you out!

5. my mental health has got better and the community has helped me through so tough times! being a student today is hard and keeping your mental health in a good place can seem even harder. but i personally have found the studyblr community really helpful with this because i don’t feel so i alone. i know that there are so many mutuals and blogs that i follow that are going through similar things and i know i could always reach out to them for anything. i’ve also become less hard on myself and give myself significantly less impossible goals since i started studyblr

6. you will meet some incredible people. this was something that i wasn’t really expecting because when i started my blog i thought i would get 100 followers *max*. instead, i have been completely embraced by the community and have had some amazing conversations with people i know genuinely consider to be my friends. it is so easy to meet like-minded people who just want to support each other!

these are just the most important benefits that I've experienced with my own studyblr journey and there are so many more!!!

The 5 Basic First Steps

1. create a blog

if you are seeing this post i assume that you already have a blog! maybe you don't but luckily for you its very easy to create one. the main think you need to think about is whether you want to create a primary or secondary blog! you can find the differences between these here!

2. choose a URL/blog name

your username can be pretty much anything and can be a good way to show your personality, your likes or dislikes, or your goal for your studyblr! you can get really creative with your username and though most are, it doesn't have to be study/studyblr related.

here’s are some ideas that you could use when coming up with a username:

Your name or nickname

Favourite subject or your degree

Your dream job

Role models or fictional characters

Stationery

Brand names

Study utilities

Your favourite study snacks

COFFEE (this is very popular with many studyblrs... i wonder why?)

Your favourite animal

Basically, it can be anything! and don’t worry, if you decide later that you don’t like the name or you come up with soemthing better, you can always change it

3. choose a theme

this can seem like a very daunting task if you are completely new to tumblr but don’t worry! there are plenty of options and you can play around with this until you get what you want!

mobile theme: this is usually just changing the colours to fit with what you like and the mood of your blog

desktop theme: this is where it gets interesting! your desktop blog usually looks much more unique compared to mobile and you can add various different pages and really get it to look professional. there are so many different incredible themes that you can find that are free to use and can be customised slightly to fit your blog (there are also paid themes). you can also make your own theme (but i know nothing about this so i can’t really offer advice for that!)

4. find an avatar/icon

i personally think icons are really important because they can often be how people begin to recognise your blog when they see it on their dashboard and it can be a glimpse into what people expect

you can just use a normal picture for this: for example of your notes or something that relates to your URL or blog (eg a coffee cup)

however, you can also make your own from scratch! you can create your own icon using applications like Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator, Canva or Word/Pages. i personally used canva to make my icon (as well as all my banners for posts) and it is really easy to use and best of all is free! there are also people who have made icons for you to use (as long as you give credit) or will make them for you (sometimes for a small fee)

5. find some studyblrs to follow

this is probably the easiest step! if you know about studyblr, you probably already know a few blogs! just go through their blogs and see who they reblog or you can search through the #studyblr tag. i am also always happy to give recommendations of my favourites blogs (of which there are too many to count) or can try to recommend blogs that i know who study the same thing as you/are at the same level of study or are from the same country

Introduction Posts

i am a big believer in studyblr introduction posts! i think they are the best way to meet people when you are just starting and are the way that you get people to notice and interact with your blog.

what should you put in a studyblr introduction post?

your name or a nickname so people know what to call you

your pronouns

where you are from

your age

what you study

what level of study are you at (high school, uni etc.)

your hobbies and passions

why you made your studyblrs

what your goals are

tag some of your studyblr inspirations! (this is quite important because they will probably reblog the post and more people can discover your blog

these are just some suggestions and you don't have to include all of them if you are comfortable with sharing certain things!

if you want some examples of these posts, have a look through the #studyblr introduction tag! on my blog you can find that here!

What to Post

the beauty of studyblr is that you can pretty much post whatever you want and you will find a place in the community!

i love reblogging posts that come on my dashboard that i love or stuff from my mutuals! however, it is also really important to post your own original content because this allows people to get to know you and is probably the best way to grow your blog!

here are some ideas for what to post:

pictures of your notes

pictures of your current book

pictures of your annotations

pictures of your desk/study space

pictures of your food/ study snack

pictures of your drink/coffee

pictures of your favourite cafe

pictures of nature

pictures of your handwriting

text posts about something funny that happened in school/class/uni/your life

text posts about what is going on in your life

text posts about what is on your mind

texts posts where you share your journey completing a particular goal

text posts where you share your plan for the day

study guides

advice posts

self-care and lifestyle tips

essentially, it is whatever you want and whatever works for you!

When to Post

you should post whenever works for you! i know for a lot of people (myself included) most of the time you do not have time to post every day because that is a big commitment and that is absolutely ok!

when i first started, i thought that i had to post every day and it was a lot fo pressure! it was basically impossible to keep up because not only was it taking up a decent amount of my evening editing and posting my notes but also i didn't actually have enough material available to post! a studyblr should never get in the way of your schoolwork so try to fit it around this! post when you have time!

if you do want to have a more consistent posting schedule, there is a feature that allows you to schedule posts! so, say you have a bunch of free time on the weekend, you could schedule all the posts for the week ahead of time!

i would also recommend building up a queue for reblogs because this means that you again have some consistency in posts and you have new stuff quite regularly! (i personally always have a huge queue)

How to Grow Your Studyblr

the main thing i want to stay is that you should not be too worried about how many followers you have or how many notes your posts get because it really is unpredictable! i’ve had posts that have got crazy amounts of notes and i literally expected them to get hardly any and vice versa! i have no idea how the tumblr algorithm works so you just have to try and post for yourself!

that said, i know that it is really nice to have people interact and appreciate your posts so here are 3 quick tips:

use popular studyblr tags. these include #studyblr, #notes, #studyspo. you could also tag the stationery that you used, what subject it is and what level you at are (eg #high school or #uni)

tag other studyblrs. many studyblrs track certain tags and if you want them to see what you've posted and they will often reblog your post! i personally track the tag #myhoneststudyblr. you can find a post i made a while ago with some studyblr’s and their tags here! (note: this may be slightly out of date)

try and have a relatively consistent ‘look’ to your posts. you don’t have to follow a specific aesthetic but having some consistency in your posts can help people recognise your stuff. i personally keep my pictures of my notes very clutter-free (often just the notes and the pen i used) and bright. however, you can definitely switch things up if you want!

How to Get Involved in the Community

There are so many different ways that you can do this! Here are some of the best ways in my opinion!

send asks and messages to people!

i highly recommend sending asks to people, for example, if they reblog an ask game post or even just asking for some advice because they will start to recognise you as someone who is engaged with their blog and you could also learn something new about one of your favourite studyblrs!

messages are also a great, slightly more personal, way to interact with people. it can be as simple as messaging people to tell them you love their blog, or again asking them for some advice. if they do a post about a test or exam that they have coming up, you could even message them good luck or ask how it went. i have had some amazing conversations with people through messages and it is a great way to meet new people

just a reminder: always be respectful and polite in messages and asks to ensure that the community remains positive

reblog posts with a comment on their posts!

(or just add a comment, although this could be confusing if your studyblr is a side blog so just be warned)

this is a really nice way to let people know you’ve seen their post and it is always nice to give feedback. a comment can be as simple as: i love your handwriting! or good luck in that test! but that simple message reaching out it so nice to get! also, reblogging is really helpful to blogs because it means more people see the post

join a challenge!

ok, so i’ve had this blog for about a year and a half now and i had a pretty decent amount of followers (which i seriously do not understand XD) but i never got the same amount of interaction and involvement in the studyblr community until i created my #2020 quarantine challenge (click here if you wanna find out about this). i would get reblogs and likes on posts but i don’t think that i used to get nearly as much interaction with my posts with people leaving comments and stuff. furthermore, although i had blogs where we were technically mutuals, i didn’t really have mutuals like i do know where we actively keep in touch and check out each other’s posts all the time and stuff and that is honestly the nicest thing

challenges mean that you are most likely posting every day (or at the very least pretty regularly if you cannot manage every day) and this is good because you post lots of new content for people to discover. another great thing is that there is usually a tag that you can search for and scroll through and find others who are doing the challenge alongside you. the person who created the challenge also probably checks the tag out every few days and reblogs the posts

for these reasons, i cannot highlight how amazing challenges are for interaction and getting involved in the community!

The Golden Rule of Studyblr

🚨 ALWAYS BE POLITE AND FRIENDLY 🚨

probably my favourite thing about the studyblr community - and i know many others share this opinion - is that is such a friendly and welcoming place. it of course has its problems but this is a place whose ultimate aim is to support each other through our studying journeys! we are all here because we wanted to find likeminded people who we can make friends with and share our lives! therefore it is really important that we always try and lift each other up because you never know what someone is going through

Summary

there are lots of benefits to starting a studyblr so you definitely should!

it’s good to make your blog look nice and clean!

studyblr introductions are very important to start your blog off!

post what you like when you like!

tagging can be a great way to grow your blog!

don't focus too much on the number of notes you get or how many followers you have!

send asks and messaging, reblogging and commenting on other people’s posts and joining challenges are all great ways to get involved in the community!

we are all here to support one another so always be polite and friendly!

Other Resources

From Me

here is an answer to an ask i received about starting a studyblr (here is another one)

here is an answer to an ask i received about editing photos

From others

A Beginner’s Guide to Starting a Studyblr by @eintsein

12 Step Guide to Starting and Running a Studyblr by @emmastudies

How to Start a Studyblr by @caffeineandcoding

Advice for New Studyblrs by @studyquill

Starting a Studygram by @studyrellablr (many of the tips are the same for studyblr)

I hope this was helpful to any new studyblrs and even existing ones! As always i am always happy to answer asks and messages about and give any advice! If anyone else has any tips or tricks, please add them below!!!

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with-paint · 4 years ago

Text

Breaking the Glass

Part 2 of 2 of Whatever the Outcome Series

Rating: Teen and up

Pairing: Lip Gallagher x fem!reader

Word Count: 5,204

Summary: The hearing of Lip Gallagher and Professor Helene Runyon is today. You watch it all unfold, it seems, with your hands clasped tightly over your eyes.

Warnings: swearing everywhere, some violence, smoking and drinking of course, slut shaming

A/N: this is the best fucking thing I have ever written and I just want to say ahhhhh. I used the word “fuck” 64 times in this. Set in 6x06. Part 1

It was the day of the hearing and to say Lip was freaking out, was an understatement.

You watched in both horror and amazement as he tore open his third pack of cigarettes. It was a thing you noticed he did when he completely lost it. He chained smoked like a motherfucker. The ashtray you slid his way a couple hours ago was completely filled with stubs and you were pretty sure you could hold the thick smoke in your hands.

You hauled him into your dorm room after his classes were done, wanting him to have company that wasn’t destructive before the board meeting. He sat on your coffee table, and you on the edge of your bed. No one was talking. You let him wallow in his anger and his grief, and you offered him anything you thought could help him. A safe space to freak out and a friend that wouldn’t judge him as he spiraled. He didn’t have to pretend to be strong. Not to you.

You cleared your throat and ran a hand over your mouth as you stared at him. He hadn’t spoken in hours. Hadn’t done anything in hours. Just stared at the floor and smoked.

“Alright champ, I think that’s enough. No need to get lung cancer any faster.” You attempted to tease as you nudged his leg with your foot. You knew your voice gave away your panic, and you felt your face burn as you looked away from him. He leaned back on the table and puffed out more smoke. With a sigh, he threw the barley smoked cigarette onto the giant pile and looked out the window in your dorm room.

You’d always liked that your room faced the giant quad most people walked through. You liked that you could witness everyone just living their lives. It seemed that’s what you did best. Watch as people lived their lives. Make their mistakes. Get back up again.

You tugged a cigarette from one of the packs and lit it quickly. Taking a drag, you felt some of the nerves leave your body.

“We are so fucked.” He swore, staring out at the expanse of the campus. You glanced at him, wondering if he thought this was the last time he would see the campus as a student. You didn’t get along with a lot of people. You were one of a few that didn’t grow up with a silver spoon stuck in your mouth. Your bad temper and lack of manners didn’t help you much. Sure, you liked Joaquin fine, but he was always trying to get into your pants.

Lip was different. You two met a few weeks into Freshman year. You were taking a smoke break when he raged into the alleyway and beat the shit out of a dumpster. You’d been attached to the hip ever since.

You stayed with him over the summer and helped him deal with his little brother and his family anyway you could. Lip was like family to you now, and he might go away. You were terrified he would be expelled. You didn’t know what you would do if he walked out and went to his dorm to pack his bags. Just the thought alone made your blood freeze in your veins. “She’s never going to want to see me again.”

You blinked a few times.

Oh right.

Helene.

He wasn’t scared that he would leave the school. Leave all this hard work and the money he’d been given, especially by that man who paid for this all making Lip fucking owe that man to at least finish. Or his own room which he deserved after sharing a space with three other boys back at home, not that you’d think he minded at the time, but once you get a taste of freedom it’s so hard to go back. Or a place where he actually belonged, a place he could let his mind grow and you’ve seen him teaching, he had a gift, a talent, and he was going to waste it all.

You tried to rack your brain for more reasons, but the one true reason was screaming at you. He couldn’t leave. Leave, fuck, you couldn’t do this, leave you. Your chest heaved as you admitted that to yourself. You were afraid he was going to leave you. Fuck. You couldn’t do this right now. You stared at him and let out a bitter laugh.

No, he was worried that Professor Runyon would be fired because she was sleeping with a student when she knew damn well the risks of doing so. Worried that her fourty year old cougar ass wouldn’t want to see him anymore. That’s what he was so stressed about.

You pushed off your bed and crossed over to the window, taking another deep drag of your cigarette.

“Maybe. You sure know how to pick ‘em.” You said bitterly. Wanting to cause a sting in return for the way his comment hurt you. Lip turned to you and raised an eyebrow.

“Fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, what first was Karen? I don’t even need to explain that one. Then Mandy. I actually really liked her. That one was your fault. Then Amanda, fucking bitch. And now Professor Runyon. Face it Lip, you have bad taste in women.” You took another drag. “And also a thing for blondes.”

Lip flicked his cigarette out as his jaw dropped. “I thought you were supposed to make me feel better.”

“Why the fuck should I have to?!” You snapped, all that anger finally bubbling over and exploding. You threw your cigarette onto the floor and stomped it out. “What ‘cause I’m the only one left? Only one you haven’t fucked so that means I haven’t gotten screwed over by the bullshit logic you use, all orchestrated by your dick?! Are you fucking kidding me Lip? Are you actually this dense? You think she would want to see you after all of this? You ruined her career her fucking livelihood. She has a family she wouldn’t choose you over them you fucking moron!” You laughed again and turned around. The sudden urge to slap him welled up inside you, but you choked it down. You were not going to be another jealous girl. Not you. Fucking no way.

Lip’s nostrils flared as he got progressively angrier at your words.

“You don’t know how she feels about me! She loves me, I-I love her!” He got in your face and you set your jaw as you stared at him.

You leaned into him and jabbed a finger into his chest. Your noses inches apart.

“Lip you love getting your dick wet. You don’t know shit about real feelings you fucking manwhore. All you’ve ever done is fuck girls over for your own agenda. And that’s all you’ll ever do. You’ll die alone because all you know is how to fuck people over and push the ones who care away.” You shoved him out of your face and stormed over to your door.

“Out.” Your voice was steady and calm, but the murderous look on your face betrayed you. Lip let out a sarcastic laugh and picked up his bag from your floor.

“Thank you for fucking nothing then!” He called as he walked out the door. You slammed it before he could start talking again. Grabbing the ashtray off your table, you opened your window, and threw it at the ground. The amber glass shattered as the cigarette stubs scattered along with it. You let out a shaky breath as you fell backwards onto your bed.

Taking a glance at the clock, you groaned. It was an hour until the hearing. You had an hour to decide what the fuck to do.

Alright fuck, let’s go over the facts. Lip is a fucking asshole who was in a relationship with a professor when both knew their relationship would end in either expulsion or loss of a job. Alright so maybe they both got off on the secrecy of it all. You ran a hand over your face and sighed. Who were you to limit who he was with? You were just a friend. And yeah you could have a say in the sense that you could pipe up at a party, make sure he doesn’t sleep with an STD riddled sorority girl. But to say he wasn’t allowed to be with the woman he was in love with? Nah. You couldn’t be the one getting in his way. You stared up at the ceiling and felt the stress physically taking a role on the space between your shoulder blades and at the bottom of your neck.

Okay so you couldn’t be mad at him for being with Professor Runyon.

You could be mad at another thing though. The most obvious things. You couldn’t be mad at him for who he loved. But you could, you could be mad at him for who he didn’t. You pressed the palms of your hands into your eyes and let out a pitiful laugh.

You could be mad that he wasn’t in love with you.

Fuck you were in love with Lip.

“What a fucking cliché.” You spat into the static air of your dorm room. The stupid girl being head over heels for the oblivious best friend. Your mouth raised in a sneer as you thought it over.

You were in love with Lip. Lip. Love. You love Lip. Your conscious was screaming these words. Over and over.

With a shake of your head as though to clear the thoughts you flung your arms out. Okay. You loved Lip, fine. But you didn’t love how he was acting.

You didn’t love this fuckboy persona he was constantly adopting. This “big dick” player Lip. The one Helene and even Amanda fell over. No, you loved the shit talking Lip, the one that takes the L train every weekend to see and help his family. The big protective Lip that holds his baby brother at three in the morning, Liam’s small body shaking from nightmares as Lip continues to annotate his paper for English. No, you were the only person who really loved Lip Gallagher, because you were the only one that really saw him. And he needed someone who truly sees him at this hearing.

You ran a hand over your face and glanced at the clock again. You still had time to make it to this fucking hearing.

In a haste you grabbed your bag, yanked on your lanyard, and booked it out the door, sprinting to the disciplinary sector of the school. You skidded to a stop as you saw Lip pacing in front of a door on the other end of the hall.

With a deep breath, you strode over to him. He looked up in surprise upon hearing you and stopped his frantic pacing. He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair.

“Hey you made it. Didn’t think you’d come.” Lip admitted shoving his hands into his pockets. You still wanted to slap him, but you sighed and set your bag on the metal chair sitting across from the door.

“Wouldn’t miss it. Is Youens inside?” You asked, quietly, fiddling with the lanyard around your neck. Your school ID and keys jingled softly and Lip stared at you. His expression unreadable.

You weren’t one to be shy, weren’t one to show a nervous tick so blatantly. You broke Amanda’s nose without even blinking, yelled at him not even an hour ago, and now you were being shy. Lip blinked a few times trying in vain to understand what that meant for you, what that meant for him.

He cleared his throat and kicked the ground without any real heat behind it.

“Yeah. Just nervous s’all.”

You nodded and rolled your shoulders. Lip watched as you shed away your shyness and became the fearless, trash talking, scrappy girl he knew. Watched as you shed your emotions to be what he needed from you. His heart thudded and he didn’t fucking know why.

“Fuck that. It’ll be easy.” You stepped closer to him and smiled brightly. “It’ll be fine. Professor Youens will be there with you. Just tell them whatever they want to hear. Do not loose your fucking temper. Make sure to blame it on Amanda.” You rambled smoothing the soft blue of Lip’s collar. He let out a huff of a laugh and grabbed your hands that were fidgeting all over him.

“You goin to wait out here?” He mumbled rubbing at his forehead. You sucked your teeth at him and reached up to fix the hairs he tugged down.

“Of course. You’ll get through this. We can get shit faced after, maybe I can break Amanda’s legs. It’ll be a good rest of the day.” You were grasping at straws. All you wanted was to reassure him, calm him down. Every time you spoke it seemed like you were threatening or bad mouthing Amanda, and you saw the sadness in his eyes. He was secretly hurt that she would betray him like that.

Lip nodded and with one last look at you, he walked through the door to his doom. You bit your lip and slowly sunk down on the awful metal folding chair across the hall.

All you could do now was wait.

- - -

Your leg bounced as you took a deep drag of your cigarette. You knew there was no smoking indoors, but you’d be damned if someone tried to take this one comfort away from you. It was all you fucking had left. You let the smoke fill your lungs as you exhaled and blew the white vapor into the static air of the hallway.

The clicking of heels snapped you out of your numb staring and you looked up to see Professor Runyon making her way over to you. You regarded her as you took another drag. Her expression was blank, but you could see in the set of her jaw that she was stressed. You almost smiled as she looked down at you.

“Professor,” you nodded and rested your head on the wall behind you. “I hope it all ends well. Please talk to him if you can.”

She raised an eyebrow at you and looked around nervously.

“Take care of him.” She said quietly, and with that she pushed open the door and walked inside. You blinked up at the empty space she occupied. Well what else have you been doing for the past two years? You huffed out a sarcastic laugh and adjusted your shoulders. You were in deep now weren’t you?

It felt like maybe an hour passed before your thoughts were disturbed by the door opening.

You stood up, wanting to immediately grill Lip on how it went, when instead Professor Runyon briskly walked out. Still composed and professional, but clearly running. You opened your mouth to say something, but she breezed past you, pulling on a beige coat and a scarf.

You blinked a few times and slowly sunk back into the chair before the door banged open again and Lip and Professor Youens walked out. You shot up and looked at them with wide eyes, trying to determine the verdict in their faces. Youens gave you a slight smile, but Lip was hastily tugging on his own coat and looking down the hall at the retreating Professor.

“Helene! Wait!” Lip called jogging after her, completely ignoring you as they both quickly left the building. The big glass door they walked through shining as it slammed close. You blinked a few times and looked down at your bag.

No he fucking didn’t.

You raised your eyebrows and swore openly. Cussing out that fucking bastards name. How dare he. You were the only one who gave a shit about him beside Youens and he couldn’t even look to you.

You yanked your bag and made to storm out of the hall, before Professor Youens put a hand on your shoulder. You snapped your glare to him before dimming it. Your eyes wide, staring into his soft brown ones, you felt more grounded then you did all week. Already visibly calmer he gave you a little smile.

“That boy is probably the biggest idiot I know.” He said, his calming voice washing over you. You closed your eyes for a moment and let out a huff of air.

“I kno-” you began, your anger swelling back up again for that whore you apparently loved.

“But then again so are we.” And with that he turned and left, walking the opposite way and rounding a corner. You stared after him. We’re idiots? What? You blinked a few times, staring at the empty space he used to occupy, and sat back in your pathetic little folding chair.

Youens was a college professor, granted he was a drunk who made Lip do most of his work, but he was a professor and smarter than Lip gave him credit for. And you weren’t exactly a genius, but you worked your ass off and did well, you wouldn’t be here if you couldn’t keep up. Neither of you were idiots. But if you’re going off academic genius, then neither was Lip. You scrunched your nose and glanced at the glass door.

Lip was an idiot because he fucking fucked everyone who looked at him and had no class, and was angry and naïve. Didn’t understand the working world and expected rewards for everything he did. Demanded credit and fell in love with the wrong people, cared too little about people’s feelings and instead what they could do for him.

And you and Youens?

You were idiots for loving him regardless.

You sucked your teeth and crossed your arms. Fuck Youens for making you feel bad, Lip was just a hurt kid in love and he really needed someone right now. You of all people could fucking relate. You let out a sigh and glanced at the glass door again.

Guess it’s time to get this asshole and lick his fucking wounds or something. You threw your bag onto your shoulder and made your way outside.

You spotted him quickly. His tan coat and blonde hair are a pretty big tell. But the biggest, was that he was the only person standing still. Just frozen in the middle of the quad, staring off into the middle distance. You sighed again and slowly made your way to him, making as much noise as possible to not scare him. You were practically stomping before you stopped right behind him.

“Lip?” You mumbled, slowly reaching out a hand. You placed it gently on his shoulder, but he started and spun around quickly, eyes wide.

He looked, uh, you cocked your head at him slightly. He looked like his heart was ripped out of his chest and his smile was thrown away and his happiness was blended up and discarded all right in front of him. He looked absolutely devastated. You pulled your hand off his shoulder and cleared your throat. Gripping and ungripping your bag’s strap, you sighed.

“C’mon. Today’s been rough. Let’s get fuckin wasted.” You said trying to conjure up a smile. It was like Lip was a vacuum and any sense of ease and lightness was destroyed in his presence. You dropped your smile and gripped your bag again. Lip looked only marginally less miserable at the suggestion of booze.

He nodded slightly and you felt yourself returning it. It was going to be fine. You and Lip again, just getting wasted in your dorm rooms like a couple of reckless kids.

As the two of you made the trip back to Lip’s dorm, his shell shocked expression loosened. He wasn’t sad anymore, but fucking angry.

“A year! I met her husband and kid, I was over there all the time. I went on trips with her and kept her drunk ass company! I took care of her! And the only time she looked me in the eye was to tell me to fuck off! She said she was terminating all contact to them! Can you believe this shit?!” He turned to you, hands palm up in front of him, eyes wide and mouth snarled. You could only shake your head as you pushed open the door to his dorm building. You didn’t trust yourself in the slightest to get onto the anti Professor Runyon train. Your dislike for her ran deeper than the offense to the man next to you. Better to keep your mouth shut and not give anything away.

Lip kept cussing and ranting as you climbed the stairs in the cold stairwell. You just kept shaking your head and occasionally mumbling out an, “I know” or “What a bitch”. You weren’t listening. How could you, you were hurt and mad and stressed, worried, and happy all at the same time. You just wanted to get to his dorm so you could drink so much that your brain deteriorated. That’s all you wanted.

You pushed open the doors to his floor and he followed you, still throwing an impressive tantrum. You shook your head for good measure as the door slammed shut behind you.

You blinked back into focus when Lip turned suddenly. You stared at him with wide eyes and he made a lunge to open the just closed door.

“Lip! What the fuck?!” You yelled grabbing him by his sleeves and hauling him back. It doesn’t matter that you could break his arm with ease, he was fueled by pure anger and heartbreak. You didn’t stand a chance. His back was to you, his hand splayed large over the door. It creaked open slowly.

“I need her to fucking understand!” He spat and you couldn’t help the eyeroll that escaped from you. You planted your feet and tugged him harder. He inched backwards and the door slammed shut again.

“She doesn’t want to fucking talk to you!” You spat. You huffed out a frustrated breath and moved your entire body so you were next to him. Still pulling on him you looked at him with a harsh glare. His blue eyes; bright and wild, met yours and you sighed again. With a glance upwards in a silent prayer to whatever god, real or not, that resided above, you punched him swiftly in the dick.

He crumpled to the floor in an instant. His groans of pain and the crash his limp body made, echoed in the small hallway and you fucking sighed again.

You stood over him and glared at him.

“Now you’re going to fucking listen to me!” You spat watching him with a slight snear and his eyes squeezed shut in misery. “Helene cannot talk to you or she will lose her fucking job. This isn’t about you. This is about her money, her passions, her life. You will stay the fuck away from her or you will get her into even more trouble. I know you loved her, but you can get the fuck over it because it’s over. It’s done. The end!”

You finished your rant with a wave of your hands.

You took a few seconds to feel sick satisfaction at watching him in pain. For all the emotional misery he put you through in the last couple hours, it felt nice to return it ten-fold. You cocked your head to the side and finally, kneeled down next to him. He moaned in pain and coughed out pitifully.

“Alright come on. There's ice in your freezer. Let’s go.” Lip only coughed in response. You took that as the gracious “thank you” that it was and helped him hobble to his dorm room. You fumbled with his pockets, trying to find the keys.

“Left one.” He coughed out and you nodded in thanks at him. Swinging the door open you unceremoniously dumped him on his bed, opened the mini fridge, and threw a bag of ice next to him.

He sucked in a shaky breath and gingerly pressed the ice to himself. You smirked slightly and rooted around in his fridge for any alcohol you could find. You pulled out a bottle of vodka that was definitely stolen. You brought it to your mouth and bit the cap off. You spit it at him and he flipped you off in turn.

This was nice. This was normal. Just you and Lip, drinking and lounging around in your rooms. You could do this.

You pulled out another bottle and took that with you. Kicking the fridge closed, you handed him the second bottle.

He seemed to be doing better. His face no longer an alarming shade of red. His breathing evened out and he stared at the ceiling blankly. Better than in pure agony. You shrugged and leaned on his desk, staring at him.

“Are you going to tell me what the verdict was or do I have to punch you again?” You teased making him laugh.

“Yeah. Was uh, was that she terminate all contact. And I lose my job as a RA. Lose this room.” He shuffled back a little so he could prop himself up on his pillows and look at you. You nodded, your eyebrows furrowed.

“Well shit. I’ll drink to that.” You said and took a long, long drink. Lip followed you and you let the horrible taste wash over you.

You didn’t talk for a while after that. Just kept taking long swigs of your drinks and taking turns staring at the floor, or staring at the ceiling.

You let out a little laugh and Lip looked at you quickly. Looking almost scandalized that you would find this funny. You couldn’t help it, the fact that her nudes got leaked was funny as hell for some reason. You clutched your drink tightly and doubled over laughing. Lip stared at you for a few seconds before his own laugh of disbelief joined you. Your twin loud laughs was the only sound in the silent room as you felt tears gathering in your eyes. Lip wasn’t far behind as his face returned to that red color.

“Oh man that’s fucking delightful!” You spit out, still laughing in pure joy. Lip shook his head and let his head fall back in laughter.

“I’m fucked.” He said as he let his own laughter die down into giggles.

You nodded with a grin and you took another sip. Absolutely fucked. The silence settled over your two again. This time it was more awkward than comfortable. You cleared your throat and moved off his desk. Lip raised an eyebrow at you and you stuck your tongue out at him.

You sat on his bed as you took another swig of the cheap vodka. It tasted like rubbing alcohol and fire, but you sucked it down the same. Lip threw his own, now empty bottle at the cushions and it bounced slightly. You smiled slightly at it. Lost in your own thoughts of the events of today. You let out a sigh before you felt the hairs on your arm prick up and you turned to Lip.

He was already staring at you, blue eyes slightly bloodshot, but looking as beautiful as ever. You felt yourself smiling at him. In awe at how much of a beautiful mess he looked. The pair of your breathings was the only thing heard as slowly, so fucking slowly he leaned into you. You sucked in a breath, eyes fluttering close, as his lips covered yours.

You were kissing Lip. You were kissing Phillip fucking Gallagher. The guy you had been trailing over, loving for so fucking long. You moved your hand up to cradle his face. His slight stubble scratching your palm. You were kissing Lip Gallagher. You pressed more into him as your mind wondered like it always did.

You were kissing him immediately right after he got fucking dumped by the woman he loves.

Your mouth turned into a snarl and you jerked back. “I’m not a fucking rebound.” You hissed pushing him off you. You heart thudded in your chest and you prayed he couldn’t hear it.

“I know, I’m just really fucked up right now.” He confessed, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. You narrowed your eyes, yeah fucked up emotionally you bastard. He moved his hands and let out a puff of air. You watched him as his eyes got watery and he quickly rubbed that away too.

God he was fucking wasted.

You blinked a few times as an idea came over you. Lip was fucking wasted.

Your head pounded and you stared at him. He was trashed beyond belief. His eyes closing every few seconds and the dopey smile on his face was all you needed. He was crying a second ago and now he looked like it was his birthday. This was it. Now or never. He would never remember this in the morning.

“I’ve been in love with you for years now.” You stuttered, heart thudding as you twisted the blanket through your hands nervously. Lip bobbed his head in a clumsy nod.

“I know.” He slurred. It felt like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, as well as an even bigger one clamped down on you and suffocated you. You sucked in a breath and fell back onto Lip’s bed. Fuck he knew. This entire time. And he had the audacity to treat you like this. Fuck him. Fuck this fucking asshole. You were bubbling up to boil over, before Lip’s arm buckled and he fell half on top of you. His mouth open and soft snores emitting. You blinked a few times up at his ceiling in shock. Body stiff as you just laid there with his unconscious body cuddling up to you.

This was the moment then. You could choose to walk out forever and no one could even blame you for doing it. Or you could stay. You could pick up the pieces and help him heal from afar. After all you’ve done that up until this point. What’s a few more years. Hell, what’s the rest of his miserable life. Your nose twitched as you traced the ceiling fan with your eyes.

You had always been the one staring out the window. Even with him. You watched him date these women and fall apart. In your own fucking life you just watched the events unfold. Never did you actually make a decision for you. You thought back to the breaking of Amanda’s nose and couldn’t help but smirk. Well every decision you did make was a violent one.

But.

Where was the getting what you wanted? Where was the heart pounding moments? Where was your own dates with the people you loved?

You made your decision.

You closed your eyes and slowly let yourself relax into the queen size bed. Whatever the outcome of this all, you were breaking the glass and stepping to the otherside. You were fucking staying. You were making your own decisions and finally living. You wanted this. So you were taking it.

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