#I need them together on screen way more
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I simply adore the OG Party (WIP, because I'm unsure where I'm going, but I just. Love them)
#Stranger Things#The Party#Byler#Mike Wheeler#Will Byers#Lucas Sinclair#Dustin Henderson#Stranger Things Fanart#FluffyFangirlArt#The OG Party#I need them together on screen way more#S5 do your thing please
303 notes
·
View notes
Text
I see you looking, looking from across the room
#yes yes i need these two together on screen way more#still gonna crossover the shit out of them#lokius#loki#loki laufeyson#mobius#mobius m mobius#owen wilson#tom hiddleston#lokius au#alternate universe#loki x mobius#mobius x loki#crossover#crossover au#lokius gifs#my gif post#gifs#my gifs#gif*#loki mobius#mobius loki
61 notes
·
View notes
Text
Unfinished comic that I’ve bee sitting on for literally over two years. Anyways when you and the bestie have a complex situationship that very quickly spirals into something so agonizingly one sided (unless….? 😳)
#genzen#zengen#genya shinazugawa#zenitsu agatsuma#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#dude my girlfriend and I literally went fucking insane over yesterdays episode#we genuinely have been frothing at the mouth airing for this episode to be animated for literally like five years#genzen nation this is what we’ve been waiting for.#rise up.#*crickets*#I’ve been seeing a few people on twitter talking abt them in nthis episode hopefully genze finally gets it’s just desserts#I pray to god we get more people into this ship I need it I need it in my blood I need it I my veins#my girlfriend and I were sitting there beating each other to death the entire episode they showed up on screen next to each other#we felt nothing but genuine pure unbridled insanity#anyways a bit of lore for some of our au we’ve been cookin#genya and zenitsu both mutually have a crush on tanjirou but they both know he’s way too out of their league#so they end up forming a bit of a semi codependent bond on one another for comfort and helping each other through various other aspects#of extreme mental illness 💀#they both also end up developing feelings for one another but genya is too stubborn to admit that he could ever like zenitsu#zenitsu is more open to the idea of being romantically attracted to genya#he oftentimes tries to do things under the guise of their preestablished situationship#but it’s really him pretending that he and genya are doing things together like a genuine couple#and he ends up getting his feelings hurt every time bc genya ultimately rejects the idea of it being anything beyond platonic
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
⟢ highlight of the hour: flex x cop [11/16] ⟣
trust in us
#flex x cop#korean drama#ahn bo hyun#park ji hyun#fxchoth#mmkfav#mygif#oh i just know girlie's heart was about to jump out of her chest#like theres no way....#but srsly fxc continues to impress every time#and in this ep i loved how it was jys comforting and supporting lgh#its so fascinating and interesting to see the ways they care for each other#they stay true to themselves in the process of providing support and comfort and help and its just so heartwarming and great#also these 2 were apart for like more than half of the ep and i thought i wasnt going to last#pls dont separate them ever again fxc writer#i need these 2 on my screen together at all times
35 notes
·
View notes
Text
Y'know, puttering around with my recordings, I think I really am going to give Davrin's romance with Ver a pretty serious twisting around. Rewrite some things a bit, change things around, keep most of the "slow burn" of it intact- but also add in the "friends with benefits" elements that I feel match what he says in the check-in scene after the point of no return better.
I think I have a post from like, months before release, when all we knew about the character was "charming Warden (who may or may not have been the Storm Coast team's commander in '41)", about how I sort of expected his to be the romance that starts off more casual (with the expiration date all Wardens have, it's not surprising that someone who's been one for at least ten years would be hesitant to enter any genuine emotional entanglements, platonic or romantic), and then for him to find himself falling for Rook unexpectedly (and kind of against his will) anyway.
And from some of that late dialogue, I still think that that may have been the exact intention, initially, but maybe they didn't want to create too big a disparity between the different romance paths, or like they didn't want for it to come off like they weren't taking him as seriously as the rest, so the path sort of ended up getting a bit... I don't wanna say "subdued", but I can't think of a better word lol. Brought to match the pacing of the others and the overall story more, that's more like what I mean.
.... Anyway, I kinda think I wanna have them sleep together for the first time either after his personal quest (no more distractions, clearly established romantic interest in- and some commitment to one another, but with still an opportunity to angst about everything else) or preferably, that night after drinking with Lucanis.
I'm leaning towards the latter thought, specifically because it'd be clearly a very, very bad idea.
It'd be far too fast, far too early, I got that scene like right after the Cauldron, so deep in the thick of his personal quest- plus, the mutual interest was barely expressed like one day prior to it, and there was alcohol involved. Which all kind of makes it perfect, because it's an awful time to toss that complication in there.
But, it gives me an opportunity to have the both of them keep thinking that it being just a casual, physical thing is what the other wants (despite the "well, I could see us heading somewhere, someday" of it), and to have their feelings developing sort of in the background of it-- and then!!!!! that forest kiss can also take a role more like another complicating factor, with the "heart of a halla" line being a bit more ambiguous.
Like, casually kissing your booty call/situationship/FWB you've been secretly falling for, it's a bit more touchy-feely than the previously established [they were not established] guidelines [there are no guidelines] suggest is appropriate [none of this is appropriate], but it feels right, and that alone makes it feel weird and confusing, ykwim?
But, then the whole "Most of my life, I've gone it alone. With you... I never want to go back." thing makes more sense being where it is, after his personal quest, to me at least. Because that sounds like a confession, and with being free from worries and the griffons safe (with Eldrin, in that game), there's a great time to have a long-ish, actually serious conversation about what this is and where it's going.
.... That would also mean that some of the bed scene dialogue doesn't make as much sense ("Is this all just for show"? "Just like I imagined"? Girl you know exactly if it's for show and what his hands feel like, you've been getting dicked down semi-regularly for weeks), but I can work with some tweaks to that lol. The final parts of it, about planning the future and getting soppy still make perfect sense, it's just those lines in the leadup that need some minor tweaking.
Idk, I really liked the in-game experience I had, and I love me a good slow burn, but I can't deny that it's more my style when "slow burn" doesn't also mean ".... so sex is a thing that happens only at the very end, when all feelings are resolved". I like it adding more uncertainty and confusion into the mix, and giving a sort of "oh, this is different now" feel to that first time once the feelings are also resolved.
(The date though, I wanna keep where and how it is exactly, because he mentions he got the tip for the picnic from Evka and Antoine, and I find it really cute to imagine him just sort of looking at them after speaking with Valya like.... "... they probably have the right idea of it, don't they. While we're here, let... let me just go ask. How to, uh. Do this whole. Romance thing, I guess. Make it sound, idk, casual. And chill. We're... chill." Never mind that Evka and Antoine are literally one of the most romantic couples any of them know, but yknow, nbd.)
(And then it goes all the way sideways? Love it. Love the "hey so this tea I thought would be a fun, cute thing for us to try made her trip absolute balls for a while, so maybe this outing is not a great opportunity to like, talk. Seriously. About how I may or may not be falling a little bit in love with her. And by 'little bit', I mean 'up to the very tips of my ears'. Nbd, just gonna... postpone, spilling my guts out for her perusal, I guess." of it all. A+, no notes.)
#squirrel plays datv#datv spoilers#davrin#oc: verbena mercar#i'll need to replay her with this all in mind#gonna lowkey remark that he did well asking Evka and Antoine because the other long-term romantic couple they know is Dorian and Ray#which is. uh.#well i “established” to myself months before release that despite living together; Ray still writes Dorian love letters#and then the game went and confirmed for me that it's the same the other way around; with almost my exact words that I used; so uh.#yeah. those two are probably a bit too intense; for what Ver and Davrin are going for-slash-through#asking my Inquisitor in particular for romantic advice would be a bit of a disaster#not because he doesn't do romance; he just does it TOO well#and with a person he's been with for a decade; so; yknow. it's a lot#asking the man who'll unflinchingly sign his letters to his “husband” of ten years with “ever yours in joyous wonder” for love advice is...#well you gotta take that with like a pound of salt; don't you#(also a bit salty that there's no repeatable kiss scene or a lot of touching now; but i get it)#(it's probably because Rook can be so many different heights and builds which makes animating touches far more difficult)#(but even as someone who loves that customizability; it's a bit... well; a bummer; ngl)#(like the flexibility of builds isn't even THAT big; so... it's kind of a steep tradeoff to just have them not really touch; imo)#(if it's only this much flexibility in builds; i'd kinda pick the more natural on-screen character interactions over it ngl)#(if they are to always leave room for Andraste between them at least use that space and let Rook be genuinely fat ykwim?)
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
wow. that is definitely another new level of episode 11 unlocked.
#like. i know there's something off about uncle somkid. and that dinner scene seems to be too 'easy'. but didn't expect it to go that way.#now i need to wait one more week. and what do you mean no more episodes after that.#i need home to 'find' his home. i need the last 'property' to be that bar. and them five having a meal together there.#well that'll be a last episode worth a fan screening. (is there any?)#peaceful property#thus far it lives up to its title name.#april.txt
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I was watching the pre teens today (normally I'm with the teens) and they were being fucking crazy so I asked one of them if they're like that for the normal pre teen staff or if they're just acting like that because I'm there and they said "oh yeah we are not normally this bad" so I asked the room "hey why do y'all act so much more insane for me than the other staff? what's up with that??" and one of them said "it's because we know you can handle it. the other staff give up way faster" LMFAO???
#one of the other kids said to me 'youre so sigma' which i guess is an insult but was really just funny#BUT i took them outside because i was like i need yall to run around and get some of this energy out and they actually PLAYED#normally its like pulling teeth getting them off their phones and engaging with each other (i dont mean this in a boomer way-#I don't even blame them but they do need to have some time where theyre not glued to a screen and they dont often get it)#it made me so happy seeing them like run around and play playground games (normally theyre too cool for that) and like laugh w/ each other!#theres a couple of them that i NEVER see off their phone unless theyre not allowed to have it and none of them even checked their phones#we were outside for an hour i was so shocked none of them picked up a phone at any point#sucks its getting cold now because id like to do that with them more often! they clearly enjoyed it and it got some of the energy out#just warms my heart seeing them all have fun together<3 until one of them got upset and that was a whole thing but mostly was great
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
you have to forgive me for posting mostly abt characters that are men (in canon) as a bisexual woman. i am obsessed w lots of #girl characters but like 80% of them are kids and teens or if theyre grown theyre comic relief. and my brain feeds off two things: tragedy and horniness. so posting about jevil and hob it is.
#speaking abt fey and flowers specifically every player character (+wuvvy) there makes me insane in very different ways#but jumping from insanity to universe-ending crush has a LOT to do w rp performance in liveplays for me#and the best actors out of them lot are lou and brennan. and aabria obv but im talking abt pcs. emily coming in close#binx and andhera are AMAZING especially together. havent seen two characters who vibe SO WELL in a while#but surena and omar obv arent as experienced as the intrepid heroes part of the table and so they take u with the concept not performance#and lou plays. ynow. Who He Plays and tho squak is unbelievably funny and charismatic hes just not my type#proto-astarion yknow. lol. like i ogle lou himself but not squak jfhglkjd#and then hob just. checks every fucking mark and on top of it is mulligan's honestly? best performance since wretchrot.#i NEED a man whose language other people can only understand with a glossary <3333#im basically back in my jean luc picard gooning era except less self-projection and the captain is 10 thousand times more autistic#god bless our troops 🫡#every time hes on screen i squeal and sigh dreamily. so lame hes not my oc.
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
ive gotta figure out how to make harry look narstier while still staying true to my style. so ig this is an official disclaimer that if my depictions of him end up changing with every new drawing um. ignore it 🫶
#i gotta get my bearings#there are just so many different canon portraits of harry in game (plus his actual 3d model too)#that its really hard for me to get a clear image of him in my mind for my drawings#like the little pfp in the bottom left of the screen looks so different compared to his model and even more so to his face in the mirror#not to mention the little official loading screens of him too#all of it ends up creating too much varied material to scrap from. ive gotta figure out how to mentally mash them all together#im so grateful for kim dude. hes way more consistent. thank you kim for always being such a blessing to draw#i feel like ive been relying too much on my mental image/memory of harry from playing the game from birds eye view#and i need him to be a little bit....well. crustier. grimy.#much to think about...#there is a perfect balance to be achieved here i just need to figure it out. maybe i should make a sketch page of just Harry Studies#god the way this games taken over my life#i just went through my 3rd playthrough#free me from this limbo (dont im enjoying myself immensely)
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
the pure brainrot i subject myself to when i constantly re-watch the same 360p videos of the animals to just barely catch the act of alan glancing at eric and paying close attention to his body language when performing to know how to approach certain portions of the songs, or end the song in general...
#guess what i was subjecting myself to last night#alan does it all over the place in the 'around and around' and 'talkin' 'bout you' performances..........#eeeeee yes some of the few videos we have of them actually on screen together i wonder why connie watches this so much 😐😑😐#the way in which alan uses his keyboard to back up eric's voice to the point of calling himself eric's 'translator' and amanuensis........#wAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PERPETUALLY EXPLODING.......#them... thank you for sharpening my analysis skills in such a profound way i will forever dedicate my braincells to making sure the world#knows that you two are silly and kind and homoerotic with one another and legitimately enjoy the other's company and musical influence#aGGGGH i need a dr pepper and i also need more animals footage featuring alan some day to study like a peer-reviewed textbook#alan price#eric burdon#the animals#classic rock#gif#60s rock#british invasion#things i said today#animusings#that tag is from my animal blog 😔🙏 animusings everywhere including when i'm at work
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Season eight was a steaming dumpster of plots and quick character building activities while setting up the "then they lived happily ever after" but they truly truly did House and Wilson's relationship justice in the end I will say that.
I was so mad at how the writers of the show clearly wanted to go one way with House and Cuddy's relationship, while the producers and actors disagreed on actually getting there, and that will be a loss to the show really. Even if they didn't last they deserved a more heartfelt attempt at a relationship after six seasons and two decades of apparent history. Alas!
House finally finally changed and became the man he wanted to be, because of Wilson's death. Nothing before that, or perhaps everything before that, prepared him for who he was meant to be. He gave of himself willingly for Wilson's benefit and not his own repeatedly. And when Wilson is gone he has no life, no job, but he knows he'll be ok. Despite this being the one thing that hurts the most. Because in the end all his subconscious people were wrong. He doesn't still need the puzzle or the meds or anything.
He's not going to lose it and kill himself when Wilson does eventually die. He's going to grieve like he's seen patients families do, and then he's going to live for Wilson for as long as he's got left of his own clock.
He's got no money and he can't get in trouble with the law lest he blow his cover but he'll pass the time. Who knows... Maybe he just goes from town to town helping people with their simple ailments like he knows Wilson enjoyed. No puzzles no excitement just fixing people up and moving along.
#seriously the dialogue and plot at times was ridiculous#but hilson finally got the screen time they deserved... even if it was way more tragic than we wanted#house showed wilson what it would be like to be a father#he helped wilson through chemo giving his own medicine to do it and keeping his promise to wait it out#he reminded wilson of how much good he did all the ppl that are still alive because of him#he brought him his favorite foods#he went on a ridiculous road trip that negatively impacted his own leg and helped him every step of the way#he faked his own death and scoped out his funeral so that he and wilson could spend their last five months together#in peace#happy#together#feel the need to say it twice its so important#oh and i know they glossed over the love conversation but i think house said it off camera#maybe that night when wilson came back over and he realized he was really gonna do this and he really needed a way to get them outta there#but since episode one since louisiana house has loved him#wilson says ily quickly hes had three marriages and amber#but house acts ily quickly too#he was an emotionally neglected boy who is probably autistic honestly way too smart for his own good#and way too scared of rejection but he never stopped showing it for wilson#even when the writers did stupid plots and created drama#hilson#house md#finally finished my first complete watch through of the show and damn
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
some important calvin and hobbes facts in case you haven't read the original comic strip in a long time or only absorbed stuff on it from memes and out of context bits on here:
Calvin's last name has never been given, and neither has any of his parent's names. This was actually why his uncle Max only showed up for a brief storyline; the creator of the comic, Bill Watterson, ultimately felt that while it was fine to have him as someone for his parents to talk to, it felt far too awkward to never have Max refer to them by name and he never made a return appearance.
The general tone of the comic is fairly light-hearted, with a big emphasis on goofy slapstick comedy contrasted by clever wordplay and often surprising adult-centered jokes that'll hit you like a slap. A big part of the comedy is, as Watterson put it (paraphrased) "It's really funny to me when people express deeply stupid ideas with really fancy terminology." One notable example you might have seen is that one bit where Calvin asks his mom for money to buy a Satan-worshiping rock album and his mom replies that there's nothing genuine about them and they're just putting on the attitude for shock value, and comisserates with Calvin as he deplores that mainstream nihilism can't be trusted. He concludes that childhood is disillusioning.
There is a LOT of criticism of the extreme materialism and selfish mentality of the late 80s, when the comic was initially written. This may go a long way to explain how its aged so well; much of what it criticizes resonates well with people today.
Bill Watterson views comic strips a legitimate form of artwork, and repeatedly fought to have more space to draw more beautiful and artistic backgrounds, which was a very hard fight and unpopular even with other comic strip artists. He eventually did win some compromises and a lot of Calvin And Hobbes' artwork shows it, with the use of space to indicate time as well as a sharp contrast between the often plain environments of mundane life contrasted by the wildly beautiful imagery of Calvin's imagination (which often sports realistic depictions in an art shift of sorts).
Hobbes is explicitly not an imaginary friend, by word of Watterson himself. We don't know WHAT he is exactly, and Hobbes is apparently unaware of the strange nature of his reality; people look at him and only see an ordinary stuffed tiger plushie, but he has a tangible effect on the world that would be physically impossible for Calvin to do on his own. He's apparently been around for a while, and was apparently around when Calvin was a young baby.
On that note; Hobbes has implicitly killed (notably treated as both a gag and also with the vibe of 'he's a tiger, duh') and while he doesn't do it again on-screen, he doesn't have any moral issues about it. Calvin claims that he's never had trouble bringing Hobbes to school because the last time he did, Hobbes killed and ate a bully named Tommy Chestnut and simply comments that it was gross and he needed a bath. Calvin's tried to repeat this again, but Hobbes was grossed out at the thought having to eat a kid raw and not being allowed to use an oven first, or complaining that children are too fattening.
Hobbes became gradually less human-like in body language and more like an actual cat in both body language and behavior; this was due to Watterson drawing more inspiration from his cat, who also inspired a lot of Hobbes' running gags, such as pouncing on Calvin when he got home. Several years into the syndication of the strip, Watterson's cat passed away, and he did a tribute to her with a comic strip of the two of them agreeing to try to dream together so they can keep playing when they have to sleep; Watterson's commentary (if I recall right), remarks on his cat: "We can see each other again in dreams."
44K notes
·
View notes
Text
(still a wip)
"im just gonna paint something quick and rough to try and get my feel for drawing back-"
...........spent two hours already rendering just his feathers even though hes so dark its probably not gonna be visible in the end anyway ..
(wip)
attempting to paint the characters tm
(Shargon and Zaphira)
#ganondoodles#art#wip#original art#painting#.......woah it shows so much more than on my tablet screen#maybe i gotta turn down the contrast actually....#part of what i like about shargons new design is that his face is so dark you really only see his eyes and teeth if he shows them#which is imo a really cool way to make him seem more dangerous#especially for such a silent character- shargon only talks when absolutely necessary#together with his more animalistic behavoir than other demons it makes for a really neat mix ...#(also plays into him having grown up largely alone due to the others disdain and abuse of him)#... also its almost 1:30 am ........ why do i always do this when i need to get up early
199 notes
·
View notes
Text
In other news Odile crashed my game during her friend quest. Smiles in pain.
#rat rambles#stars posting#I just want to get to act 4 alreadyyyyyy#I have. plans.#and while I know theres more stuff I can do rn in act 3 I would rather save most of it for later#anyways. time to hope I saved before starting the family quests#odile saw I was trying to speedrun everyone's dialogue and said nuh uh try again#also Im glad I got the coin scene like the absolute millisecond act 3 started I was worried Id have to sit around for forever#speaking of the coin I got a fun glitch with it earlier#I was near the favor tree and got the coin dialogue where a glitch rewind effect happens#and the tree jumpscared the hell out of me by suddenly getting stretched out and huge covering most of the screen#I had to walk out and back into the are to fix it it covered like half the area#it genuinely slightly scared me for the split second that it wasnt obviously a glitch lol#gotta love the universe breaking itself to try to keep itself together#one thing that did surprise me is just how much optional content I've never seen before there is#I knew there was stuff that most ppl who play the game dont ever see but I guess I forgot most ppl dont obsessively shove their faces into#walls until smth happens#love making my sif grapple with his lost past the absolute millisecond I am allowed to every time a new scene is opened up to me#the lost contry scenes are all easily my favorite scenes in the game and its honestly not even close#theyre both very important to me and also just incredibly well written and interesting#its low key what boosted sif from being a character I have a complicated relationship with to character I adore#to be clear the complicated stuff is all in the rest of the self recognition I face when I see him spiral#you see jackie is recognition through the other (derogatory) but like in a god damnit you have adhd dont you sorta way#while sif is more like. hoo boy. uh oh.#which is ironic because jackie is the one of the two whos actually a terrible person lol#you see I like picking her apart while with sif it feels like theyre picking me apart which is significantly more uncomfortable#I forgives them I just need to not think abt them for too long at any given time or I start feeling depressed lol
0 notes
Text
.
#tag talk#was talking with my brother about being plural and like. I'm kinda the tough rough protector cliche one#and I was talking about wanting my other half to be happy and he hit me with something I'm still mulling over.#he was like “you talk a lot about wanting her to be happy. does she want you to be happy?”#and like. chat words cannot describe how much that threw me. it's my job to take the blows. to front when we're in danger and in pain.#I don't think she gives a shit whether I'm happy. she hasn't learned to care about me as a separate person.#I care about her because that's my job. I'm the fucking trauma alter or whatever. but she doesn't care back.#and we really need to have this talk once she's back. she's asleep right now cause we've been having real bad migraine and I've been dealing#but once things aren't so bad we need to have a fucking talk#I'm not happy being restricted to a relationship I'm not interested in. I don't want to date our partner and that's whatever#but I can't even go out and get fucked properly because even though *I'm* not in a relationship my second half is.#like. goofy ah situation where two people live in a single body so one of them is celibate in order to keep the other one monogamous#like. how the fuck do I do this? if he calls me babe or baby or my love one more time I'm gonna kill us both I hate it.#she likes words of endearment like that and I would rather die. she likes kissing him but I don't like kissing anyone in general#and this whole time I've been expected to just go along with everything because she just bulldozes me out of the way.#I tried to break up with him and she took over the next day and got us right back together again with apologies and letters#because she's genuinely emotionally happy with him and I'm happy for her because I do care.#but I'm not happy with the situation and I don't think she actually cares that I'm not happy. she's caught up in her own shit#and I'll admit I do like him. the partner. we communicate really well and we kinda click yaknow?#and I really do want to keep him as a friend long term#but I can't fucking do this I'm not monogamous I just wanna go get fucked good and rough and he's insufficient for that#one of these years I want to go to Folsom Street Fair. I've read a ton about it and it looks so fun.#I just wanna be sexually liberated and unfortunately I'm stuck in this body with a hopeless romantic#anyway. we've got a lot to sort out here.#I just. she does care but she gets so caught up in her own shit that she forgets to consider other people.#and weirdly enough I count as other people even though we're kinda(?) the same person#pretty similar music tastes. relatively similar fashion styles. same body and same childhood goes far in making you similar people#and yeah. I'm aware she's the more developed one. I don't get nearly as much screen time as she does. but I'm making up for lost time#idk. if I'm stuck here I may as well make the most of it.#also wanna know something funny? I think I'm the one who's tried to kill us every time. no way she ever had the guts to do it.
0 notes
Text
Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.
I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.
Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.
I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.
5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.
I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.
I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.
I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.
I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.
I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.
But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.
I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.
It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.
Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.
It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.
You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.
Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.
Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.
#ftm#ftx#genderqueer#transgender#lgbtqiaplus#lgbtqia#queer#trans#trans man#transmasc#trans masculinity#transmasculine#queer masculinty#trans men#trans writing#trans writers#trans pride#transblr#queer writers#queer artist#queer community#queer pride#lgbtq#non binary#genderfluid#lgbtq community#enby#enby pride#trans nonbinary#gor3sigil.txt
11K notes
·
View notes