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windyboi101 · 1 month ago

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Designing Serial Designation T.S.

Hello! If for some reason you have any sort of interest in my Murder Drones OC, Serial Designation T.S., then you can view this post for some insight into the philosophy and ideas behind my designing of T.S. You can see the first 'reference' image of him here.

Most of these inspirations were on purpose, but some happened subconsciously, and I only realized later. :shrug: This post is EXTREMELY LONG! Open at your own risk!

MUSICAL INSPIRATION

One particular song by the retired Dr.Steel inspired me for the idea of this OC, as the lyrics gave me major 'Absolute Solver' vibes:

Left ajar to his hard drive He felt all alive The old robot he used to be dead

There was rage in his brain There was pain in his frame There was love, there was hunger and strife He felt lonely, rejected at times disconnected No answer to the meaning of life So he sang So he sang

The lines about being 'dead' and 'hungry' really just fit Solver as a whole, so the seed of an idea was planted and began to grow into the OC concept I now have.

DESIGN INSPIRATION

I have always been a fan of 'skeletal' and 'lanky' robots. Started far back as Disney's Toontown back around 2010 with Skelecogs.

Here to do business. Source: Toontown Rewritten

I was very young at the time, but these guys terrified me. Their weird toothy smiles and deeper voice than their suited-counterparts cemented them in my brain. More inspirations would come later in my life, around 2017.

Enter: Deadline

Simon Says: Do you want to learn the truth? Source: Popgoes: The Dead Forest

I was (and still kind of am) a huge Five Nights at Freddy's fan. Back in 2017, a particularly interesting fangame was canceled pretty late in development. They released a bunch of trivia on the game and characters, and the 'final boss' was this hooved-monstrosity.

While his design was clearly inspired by a particularly popular cryptid design, I just loved how imposing this robot was. He was giant, he was unbeatable, and you only won the game by terminating the AI that controlled both you and Deadline.

He was so giant he had to crouch in a large hallway to get to you! Source: Popgoes: The Dead Forest

I unknowingly really made some similar design choices with T.S. and I implore you to understand that I was NOT trying to copy the design. A major difference is Deadline's legs bending outward whereas T.S.'s legs bend inward. This was inspired by the next entry. The bones and organic material in T.S.'s design were because of The Solver's abilities, not Deadline's design. What I did intentionally take direct inspiration of was his feet, as I like N's circular 'feet' as opposed to the female Disassembly Drone's pegleg design. Unfortunately, not many Five Nights at Freddy's fangames had these spooky skeletal robots. However, a game I discovered in late 2018, Warframe, introduced a new main antagonist in July of 2019.

"Don't be afraid." Source: Warframe - The New War Teaser 2019 Erra, Sentient-Warlord, Son of Hunhow and Brother of Natah.

Holy shit I love this guy. Sentients are a race of - you guessed it - sentient machines in Warframe that are highly adaptive to all forms of opposition and damage. They started as giant planet-sized creations made to teraform planets and gave birth to 'children' by dividing themselves like starfish. Hunhow even earnt his name as 'Sentient Destroyer of Worlds', and his size explains it all.

Yes, those are entire 4-man-crew spaceships being dwarfed by him.

To sum up the long history, they waged war against their creators and lost, fleeing beyond the solar system. In the New War, they have returned to finish what they started. With this, Erra himself got a small makeover.

Red is my favorite color, and the unnatural, alien-like design of Erra gives him an unsettling figure. His odd grasshopper-like legs have him standing at around 14 ft / 4.26 meters tall. I instantly fell in love with his new design more than his old one. He even has slight mad scientist vibes to him, as he created hybrids from the corpses of Sentient and Warframe alike. Unable to die, these creatures regenerate using the entropic radiation from the shards embedded in the corpses of their 'host'.

Once Creatures made to recreate beauty, now grafted to the corpse of their undying enemy. Source: Warframe Wiki: Archons Lots of spoilers for Warframe ahead: After initially winning the war, enough plot happens where Erra surrenders himself to you in an attempt to save his people and dies helping you make your way to the actual antagonist. Or one would hope. Unfortunately, the Archons were vengeful against their creator, full of spite for the weapons they had been made into. (Sound familiar, Murder Drones fans?)

"Narmer offers freedom. Is that so terrible? Freedom from desire and responsibility, alike. Find freedom, and surrender... as I did."

Source: Warframe - Veilbreaker Ignoring the design similarities between him and Deadline, Erra's new form is more tragic than you'd think. Rather than being some sort of feral beast, Erra's mind is suppressed by the Sentient that has been grafted onto him named Pazuul. Worse, Erra is still in there, unable to act of his own will. Pazuul leads the remnants of the Sentient's army and preaches of their home system, promising their followers eternity in bliss...if they die for their cause. In one of these missions, Erra is able to break through and speak to the player.

"Tenno… I'm truly sorry… for everything. I saw the truth far too late. She will never forgive me. But you will… won't you?" - Erra

As of this post, Erra has yet to be freed from Pazuul's influence, and I can only hope the day comes we can either remove the parasite on his body or put him out of his misery. Erra was the biggest inspiration for T.S. : The concept of a single body having two minds is not a new idea, but the idea of it being two entirely different entities in a robot? Now that's cool as hell! It also helps that both Solver - Affected Drones and Sentients are highly resistant to damage, regenerate, and are otherwise 'alien' to the world.

It was also super similar to how The Solver works in Murder Drones, which is why I made T.S. a host for The Solver...but not any typical one: a host with no more free will. Similar to Cyn, The Solver is all that remains in the form visible. T.S. has been dead for a long, long time.

AUDIO / VOICE-CLAIM INSPIRATIONS

The audio I use as a voice claim for T.S. is from Dead by Daylight's Singularity character, who uses a heavily modified text-to-speech voice as it insults its victims. I always interpreted T.S. being very, very broken and thus having a voice that does not synthesize correctly like other drones, disrupting the illusion of 'humanity' that even normal Worker Drones show, let alone the personalities of main characters like N and Uzi. I also just really like menacing sounding characters. Singularity's voice is split into two parts: a deep, menacing voice, and the normal text-to-speech with modifications made. I chose the deeper voice, as T.S. is a character that would only exist Post-Episode 8 of Murder Drones. You can listen to the voice claim here. Lots of people like to attribute music to their OC's. I tend to do the same, especially for 'boss battle' themes for my OC, because why not? I wanted something that speaks "danger" and "otherworldly" while still being a track for a showdown. Coincidentally, Warframe has a track with the perfect title- Warframe: Hybrid Abominations

STORY INSPIRATION

I struggled making T.S. a character that was scary and tragic without it becoming overtly edgy and reminiscent of a Sonic the Hedgehog OC from DeviantArt in 2012. I'd like to hope I managed this, and if I am wrong, I would appreciate anyone telling me lmao

I am a sucker for 'Doomed Fate' characters. Characters who never even got to experience their life to the fullest, if at all. T.S. lost the memories of how he was damaged, so he only knows what came after his initial repair. Unfortunately, this would not be long before the Absolute Solver arrived in the form of Cyn at the Elliot Manor, and T.S. would be one of the first victims of its experimentation. One of the biggest inspirations of this fate and 'innocent but doomed' character trope was from Mono from Little Nightmares 2, my favorite game of all time. I recommend you play it yourself / watch a no-commentary playthrough before you read the spoilers I am about to drop:

End of the Hall. Source: Little Nightmares 2

Mono is betrayed by his only friend and is doomed to a never-ending cycle of loneliness and betrayal as he earns his place as The Thin Man, doomed to failing to save himself from his own fate and dying at his past self's hands.

While not an exact match to T.S.'s story, he is one doomed by the narrative itself. He never lives a normal life (or what would be normal for a Worker Drone in the Murder Drones universe), he never learns about The Solver. He never learns why anything that happens to him actually happens, or that it is unnatural for it to occur to him. T.S. simply comes to accept his reality, even if it is one he wishes would end. But The Solver does not win. Even though a small fragment of The Solver survives Post-Episode 8 (which I will elaborate on in a separate post, not this one) and takes the irreparable form of T.S. as it's host,

even though The Solver loses any sort of silly personality or innocence in its coding and becomes focused on consuming everything,

even though it knows what it did wrong last time it faced against Uzi, N, V, and the rest of Copper-9: The Solver will not win. Again, I won't spoil it in this post, but The Solver will not prevail in its last-ditch-effort. T.S. will be destroyed and be forgotten by time and only remembered as another victim of The Absolute Solver. Well, you made it to the end of the post! I appreciate your interest in my character and hope you'll stick around my account for content I reblog or write myself. Likes and Reblogs are always appreciated, as they expand my feedback sample-size so I can continue to improve my work :)

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mrhyde-mrseek · 4 months ago

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I know I just showed y’all my favorite OC, but does anyone want to see my OLDEST OC?

It’s Libra Nox! I’ve posted a drawing or two of her here before, I don’t know if anyone remembers the few posts I made about my WIP The Haunted and the Hollow, but it took a WHILE to get there

2018-2019

I was a warrior cats kid in 7th grade, and I loved wolves, so obviously I made my own warrior cats ripoff trilogy with wolves instead of cats (I don’t remember what it was called though unfortunately)

Libra/Twig was originally a boy, and his name was Twig (but I’d planned on changing it later in the story for plot reasons)

He had two moms (yay lesbians)

I made so much art for this I WISH I still had some of it 😭

In the story there were these magic wolves with wings that were basically gods and controlled different elements (like fire, water, plants, light, etc.)

Libra/Twig was one of these (I think he controlled the stars which was how he got the name Libra??)

Originally I was gonna name him Virgo but decided that sounded too feminine (oh how the tables have turned)

Fun fact, this story birthed ANOTHER character I’ll probably talk about in another post

2019-2022

Libra was still a guy but now he’s a human with fire powers

I think he was like 14?? He barely had any adult supervision though, the only technically adult around him long enough to be considered supervision was 18

This story had the same winged wolf gods from the previous one and was also a trilogy, I don’t really know how to explain what the plot was because it was complicated as fuck and constantly changing

It was called Nox Chronicles

Yes that was his actual outfit, I know it’s boring as hell, I wish I’d chosen a different color for his shirt because it looks kinda weird with the light blue

He didn’t have two moms anymore, he had an adopted family who hated him for literally no reason (I was still on the Harry Potter hyperfixation train in 2019)

I think he was the only one of his superpowered friends who could communicate with the wolf god creatures?

It was at this point I decided he was bi

He might’ve had wolf ears at one point, I don’t remember

Edgy badly written teenage protagonist

2022-present

Libra’s a girl now!! Yay!!

She’s still bi

(THIS is the Libra from The Haunted and the Hollow I was talking about btw)

She has a GOOD FAMILY NOW with a TWIN SISTER and a LOVING SINGLE MOM and is MUCH more fleshed out character-wise

She’s a witch, as is the rest of her family

THIS. STORY. HAS. PROPER. COHERENT. LORE. AND. WORLDBUILDING

She’s autistic and has social anxiety

She’s gonna have a girlfriend!!

Her special interest is cryptids and cryptozoology

I gave her cute little glasses and an actually decent outfit/color scheme

She’s still 14 but she has actual adult supervision (she goes to a summer camp)

I kept the fire but but changed it from controlling fire (too destructive and flashy) to divination using fire

She loves the color yellow. Just thought I’d share that :)

#the haunted and the hollow #i think the story might’ve originally been named ‘the haunting plight of knockwood hollow’??#libra nox #my ocs #ocs #oc art #witch oc #old oc #wolf #wolf oc

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mint-moon25 · 2 years ago

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ACONTINUING - AMAZON.com - AMAZON - PRIME - THEY’RE -

TELLING - U - WITH - CHEAPER - THAN - SAMSUNG TABLET -

OVER - $100 - U - DON’T - PAY - BAD - CREDIT - WE - WILL -

REPORT - U - MUST - PAY - AMOUNT - OWED - VERIZON -

WIRELESS - GAVE - $500 - GIFT - CARD - 4 - TRANSFER -

BUT - VERIZON - STORE - NOWHERE - SAYS - U - MUST -

B - THEM - 1 YEAR - OR - RETURN - $500 - OVER - 2 HRS -

VERIZON - GAY - CHRISTOPHER - 2 - ADD - ME - SINCE -

HE - ENTERED - MY - FORT MYERS - ADDRESS - AS MY -

STATE - ID - WHERE - APT 1 - JEANETTE RIVERA - AS -

HISPANICS - ALWAYS APT UNO - FRONT - OF LIBRARY -

GAVE - ME - BLUDGEONING - AS - BARBER - SHOP -

HAIR - LESBIAN - LOVES - TELLING - ALL - AS - SHE -

HER - MOTHER - 2 - CHAIN - SMOKERS - LAUGHED -

BLINDNESS - AND - AMPUTATION - HAPPENS - HER -

MOM - DIED - OF - HEART - ATTACK - EVEN BEFORE -

AMPUTATION - DURING - SURGERY - MY - PAW PAW -

BRUCE LEE - WHY - WAS - SHE - ABLE - 2 - HIT - ME -

I’M - PARTIALLY - BLIND - BUT - SHE - SMELLS - SHE -

EATS - HARRY CHAPIN - FOOD - KITCHEN - EXPIRED -

HOT DOGS - EXPIRED - MILK - EXPIRED - MEATS -

EXPIRED - FOOD - SMELT - HER - BREATHE AND -

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AND - KILLED - TENANT - OF - APT 1 - WHO -

TRANSFERRED - FR - APT 4 - FOR TENANT -

MARC SWEENEY - APT 9 - SMOKED 2 - KILL -

APT 10 - SUCCEEDED - HE - DIDN’T - KNOW -

HE - ALMOST - KILLED - BELOW - PATRICIA -

MOM - WHO - WAS - IN - APT 4 - ILLEGAL - PROPERTY -

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AND - OLD - AND - FORT MYERS - POLICE - AND - THEM -

THEIR - ILLEGAL - OFFICE - OWNER - ILLEGAL - THE -

OWNER - OF - LOONY - BIN - BAKER - ACT - ALSO XO -

ILLEGAL - FLORIDA - STARTED - THAT - WRINKLED -

OLD - PRUNE - BAGS - 2 - STOP - WEDDINGS PROM -

COLLEGE - GRADUATIONS - OLYMPIC - TEAMS - TO -

REPRESENT - USA - INCLUDING - ILLEGAL - 2 - GET -

JURY - JEANETTE RIVERA - KNEW - SSI - BLINDNESS -

WHAT - I - GET - AND - PARTLY - QUADRAPLEGIC THE -

LESBIAN - ILLEGAL - PSYCHIATRIC - MEDS - MADE -

HER - SUPER - STRONG - MORE - THAN - 37 - YES -

BULLETS - 2 - STOP - THEM - STILL - NOT - DEAD -

FLORIDA - STATUES - 2019 - BECAUSE - PHILIPPINES -

WON - MISS UNIVERSE - 2018 - THEY - APT 2 - AND 1 -

ATTACKED - ME - ‘MOTIVE’ - SHE - WAS - ACTUALLY -

RAPING - ME - AS - SHE - RAPED - DAUGHTER - OF -

PATRICIA - WHY - POSSIBLE - KATE - BEEN DOING -

HEROINE - SINCE - KIDS - HER - OLDER - SISTER -

DID - THAT - AND - EVENTUALLY - SOLD HEROINE -

STILL - IN - PRISON - KATE - MORE - BEAUTIFUL -

THAN - MARILYN MONROE - HER - HEIGHT - MY -

HEIGHT - MONROE’s - BIRTHDAY - BOTH - DIED -

OF - SUICIDE - IN - THEIR - 30s - KATE - KILLED -

HERSELF - AFTER - RAPE - BY - HEROINE - XO -

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STAIRS - DIGITAL - DOORBELL - FRONT - DIGITAL -

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POLICE - BANGED - BANGED - MY - DOOR - BUT -

PEEP - HOLE - CONCEALED - WEAPONS PERMIT -

COLOR - PHOTO - FIREARMS - MACHINE - GUNS -

COMBAT - KNIVES - DYNAMITE - EXPLOSIVES WE -

CAN - USE - IN - FLORIDA - AND - STATES - THAT -

AGREE - AND - SUPPORT - BUT - KATE - WANTED -

2 - RING - MY - BELL - BUT - SHE - HEARD - ME -

SINGING - ‘YOU’RE - NEVER - FULLY DRESSED -

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SINGING - AND - DANCING - SO - SHE - JUST -

SAW - ME - NEXT - DAY - AND - I - GAVE - HER -

THE - SIMPLY - SAFE - VIDEO - HER - BREAST -

SHOWING - (EMBARRASING) - AS - I - GAVE -

HER - 2 - VIDEOS - I - HAVE - HIDDEN - YES -

CAMERAS - WITH - SOUND - AND - COLOR -

LEE - COUNTY - COURTHOUSE - NOW YOU -

NEED - EVIDENCE - BUT - MY - R ARM - NO -

BRUISES - BOXED - MANY - TIMES - 4 - YES -

PARTLY - QUADRAPLEGIC - LESS BRUISES -

NO - PAIN - POLICE - WANTED - 2 - ARREST -

HANDCUFF - ME - BY - SURPRISE - 4 - YES -

BEATING - FAT - PIG - JEANNETTE RIVERA -

SHE - SAID - I - BEAT - HER - THEY CALLED -

IT - ‘BREACH - OF - PEACE’ - WRONG TIME -

WRONG - OFFICERS - NAME - SAID - BLKS -

MAN - WOMAN - WITNESSES - NO TENANTS -

WITNESSED - ‘BREACH’ - LIES - LIES - LIES -

MY - OPTALMOLOGIST - FEMALE - IS - ON -

MY - LEFT - LOOKING - AT - EVANS AVE

EYE - CENTERS - OF - FLORIDA - WHY

I - NEEDED - 2 - LIVE - THERE - PAID BY

MEDICAID - EYEGLASSES - AND EXAMS

ALL - FREE - THUS - AMAZON.COM - GIVES -

ILLEGAL - CONTROL - TOOK - MORE - THAN -

35 MIN - 2 - TYPE - BELOW - ALL - CAPITAL -

LETTERS - 4 - I’M - PARTIALLY - BLIND AND -

AND - ZOOM - INCREASING - FONT - IS YES -

CALLED - BY - MICROSOFT - DISABILITY - DESK -

FREE - ‘MAGNIFIERS’ - NEW - THINGS LEARNED -

AT - THE - END - I - USUALLY - HANG UP ON THE -

PINOYS - ANSWERING - THEY - AIN’T - ATENEO -

UNIVERSITY - COMPUTER SCIENCE - BASIC -

LANGUAGE - AMAZON - FIRE - TABLET OVER -

$100 - WERE - TRYING - 2 - MAKE - MY - CAPITAL -

LETTERS - SMALL - LETTERS - ALSO - BECAUSE -

AMERICAN - CALLS - CAPITAL - LETTERS - LIKE -

WORDS - ARE - SCREAMING - TECHNICALLY -

EXCUSE MATH - 3 DAYS - 2 HRS - 45 MINUTES -

UNITED STATES - OF - AMERICA - IS AT LEAST -

245 YRS - OLD - THIS - NATION - FIRST - TRUE -

DECLARED - INDEPENDENCE - FR - GREAT BRITAIN -

04 JULY 1776 - THE - 18TH CENTURY - ON - SUNDAY -

COLUMBIAN - MALE - OFFICER - TOLD - ME - U HAVE -

2 B - HANDCUFFED - IN - THE - USA - THAT’S - WHY -

PHILIPPINES - LEAVING USA - OVER - 4 MILLION -

AT - LEAST - SOUTHERN - CALIFORNIA - THAT’s -

PASADENA - ROSE - PARADE - GLENDALE BIG -

SMOG - HURTS - EYES - GLENDALE GALLERIA -

U - WILL - FIND - US - MORE - THAN - 100 OF US -

AND - ALSO - BORN - IN - USA - WE - ARE - YES -

OFFERING - MONEY - PER - HOUR - AS - WE -

PICK - THEM - UP - ON - AUTO - AIRPLANES -

THEY - MAY - BRING - FRIENDS - KIDS AND -

MANY - FAMILIES - WILL - B - GIVEN MONEY -

IN - PLANES - NO - PASSPORTS - NEEDED -

JUST - GOT - IN - ENGLISH - FINALLY - YES -

MY - REMINDER - DR SONG - BUSY - NOT -

THERE - OTHER - DAYS - SO MONDAY -

MORNING - FULL - THUS - THIS - WED -

WEDNESDAY - 9A - MY ACUPUNTURE -

ACTUALLY - I FORGOT - SO - NOTICE -

IS - COOL - ‘DELINQUENT - ACCOUNT’ -

BUT - I - GOT - MY - MESSAGES - AND -

NOTICES - ALL - CARRIERS - USES XO -

THIS - MESSAGE - APP - REMOVE SIM -

REMOVE - GOOGLE FI - AND - THEIR -

MESSAGE - ONLY - TOOK - 5 MIN TO -

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SECRETLY - SAMSUNG - GALAXY S10 -

WHITE - AMERICAN - MALE - SAID - YOU -

CAN’T - REMOVE - GOOGLE FI - UNLESS -

U - ASK - BY - PHONE - THEY’RE - 24/7 -

NOT - VERIZON WIRELESS - SLANDER -

MALICE - PERJURY - MAX - $750,000 -

PER - INCIDENT - AMENDMENT BILL -

$73.15 - WHEN ADVERTISED - $65 - AND -

NO - LATE - FEE - ‘WHEN - AMOUNT - IN -

QUESTION - IS - OVER - $20 - THE RIGHT -

2 - TRIAL - BY - JURY - SHALL - B - PRESERVED -

BREAST - JEWELRY - CLITORIS - JEWELRY AND -

ROLEX - WATCHES SURRENDERED - US POLICE -

FORT MYERS - POLICE - BECAUSE - BATTERIES -

POUND - SONY - WALKMAN - CDs - BECAUSE AS -

TRAINED - 4 - EXPLOSIVES - ‘DESTRUCTION OF -

PUBLIC - PROPERTY’ - US - POLICE - LOVED -

HIROSHIMA - AND - NAGASAKI - WORLD’s 1st -

ATOMIC - BOMBS - CONSENT - OF - ENGLAND -

OVER - 200,000 - BABIES - KIDS - PREGNANT -

FEMALES - EXPLODED - MILITARY - CITIES -

OAHU - HAWAII - AIR FORCE - BASE - AND -

CIVILIANS - DEATH - OVER - 2,000 - AS THE -

MIDGETS - OF - JAPAN - DURING - WWII -

WORLD - WAR 2 - SUNK - THEIR BATTLE -

SHIP(s) - AND - MORE - NEVER EXPLODED -

WATERS - BECAUSE - THEY - LOVE SUSHI -

DEMOCRAT - PRESIDENT - HARRY S TRUMAN -

WHO - BEGAN - EACH - DAY - WITH BOURBON -

ENGLAND - AND - HIM - DELIGHTED - IN - YES -

SENDING - BOMBS - 2 - END - THIS - WORLD -

WAR - ADOLPH HITLER - CHRISTIAN - WHO -

KILLED - IN - EUROPE - OVER - 6 MILLION -

JEWS - GASED - THANKS - 2 - USA LARGE -

NO - OF - BOYS - THEY - DIDN’T - SEND - THE -

BOMBS - THERE - BUT - JAPAN - ALL ISLAND -

THEY - WANTED - EXPLODED - LESS - THAN -

25 MILLION - YEARS - OLD - BYE BYE SMALL -

EYES - BUT - FAILED - ONLY - HIROSHIMA -

NAGASAKI - SO - GOOGLE FI - IS - SAYING -

AMAZON - IS - SAYING - CAN - BOMB - US -

PAY - $73.15 - PAY - WITH - EBT - FOOD -

STAMPS - $7.05 - OR - BOMBING - BOO -

HOO - 2 - END - GOOGLE - FI - JUST - REMOVE -

SIM - CARD - THEY’RE - ENDED - KEEP - THAT -

SIM - CARD - VITAL - NO - ALTERNATIVES AND -

THEY - KNOW - IT - ARE - U - READY - HOME -

INTERNET - MIAMI - TALL - BUILDINGS BACK -

2 - AT&T - FIBER - OPTICS - AMERICAN - TELEPHONE -

AND - TELEGRAPH - ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL USA -

INVENTED - PHONE - 2 - CANS - ALUMINUM - A - TIE -

IN - BETWEEN - CONNECTING - THEM - INVENTED -

THE - WORLD’s - FIRST - TELEPHONE - THUS THE -

IMPORTANCE - OF - AT&T - THAT’s - IN - MIAMI FL -

1,000 MBPS - 1 GBPS - $150 - GIFT - CARD - 35 XO -

SECONDS - PER - EACH - FILM - DOWNLOAD YES -

LIGHTNING - FAST - MAX - OF - 5,000 MBPS - THUS -

IF - NEED - B - REMOVE - GOOGLE FI - SIM - CARD -

YOUR - LAPTOP - SMARTPHONE - TABLET - IS YES -

NOW - USING - THEIR - NETWORK - ENTER YOUR -

PASSWORD - CHOSEN - 4 - SUPERNATURAL - YES -

SPEED - 4 - YOUR - DEVICES - WHILE - INSIDE -

PANORAMA TOWER - 85 FLOORS - FRONT OF -

BISCAYNE BAY - OCEAN - VIEW - CITI - LEVEL -

4 - SCARED - OF - HEIGHTS - SKY - LEVEL - 4 -

THOSE - NOT - SCARED - WOOD - FLOORS & -

GRANITE - KITCHEN - TOP - BIG - WASHER -

AND - DRYER - HARD - 2 - FIND - BALCONY -

DEPENDING - ON - RENT - THE - SIZE - SO -

NICE - STAINLESS - STEEL - DISHWASHER -

MICROWAVE - REFRIGERATOR - SO - NICE -

NOT - SO - MANY - APTS - EVEN - $4,600 -

PER - MONTH - LA HAVANA - LITTLE HAVANA -

MIAMI - AND - DOWNTOWN - MIAMI - ($2,600) -

RENT.com - UNITS - AVAILABLE - TODAY AND -

7 DAYS - 4 - TO - SEE - UNITS - NO - HOA -

DOORMAN - 24/7 - FREE - GYM - LOTS OF -

TREADMILL - MANY - EXERCISE MACHINES -

RESTAURANTS - IN - THE - BUILDING THUS -

NO - DESIGNATED - DRIVERS - NEEDED XO -

ELECTRICITY - PLUGS - 4 - KIA - EV - ELECTRIC -

VEHICLES - I - THINK - SO - IT’s - CHEAPER YES -

THAN - U - THINK - ALSO - MANY - APT - BLDGS -

ALSO - OFFER - STORAGE - UNITS - 4 - US - SO -

COOL - ME - SOUNDPROOFING - NICE - BLUE -

TINT - THEY - CAN’T - SEE - US - WE - CAN XO -

SEE - THEM - AND - DECREASES - HEAT - SO -

CHEAPER - ELECTRICITY - ENERGY - AND XO -

REMOTE - CONTROL - BLINDS - AND - MORE -

GIVING - MESSAGE - 2 - MY - ACUPUNCTURE -

OPEN PHONE - APP - AND - CALL - FROM XO -

LAPTOP - UNIQUE - THAT - GOOGLE - VOICE -

TRIED - 2 - DUPLICATE - BUT - YOUR - EARS -

HURT - BECAUSE - USING - YOUR - TEL NO -

OPEN PHONE - $17 - THEIR - FEMALE VOICE -

2 - ANSWER - NICE - VOICE - GREAT SOUND -

VOICEMAIL - 2 - TEXT - BUT - NOT - QUITE -

EXACT - WEBSITE - BLOCK THIS NUMBER -

LOVES - GETTING - AUTO PAY - THE 14TH -

DAY - B 4 - PAYDAY - 15TH - SO - IT’s - OK -

NO - ONE - LIKE - OPEN PHONE - THEIR -

PEOPLE - LESS - THAN - 1 MIN - 2 - YES -

ANSWER - THE - BEST - AND FRIENDLY -

CANADA - USA - FREE - HAWAII - AND -

ALASKA - TOLL - FREE - VANITY TOLL -

FREE - OR - LOCAL - NO - THIS - TOLL -

FREE - REJECTED - BY - AOL - MANY -

FREE - EMAIL ADDRESS - TEXT NOW -

NO LONGER - WORKING - REJECTED -

BY - OPEN PHONE - I - CAN’T - CALL -

MYSELF - SO - INFORMING - ACUPUNCTURE -

MIAMI - CENTER - NOW WITH - OPEN PHONE

#youtube

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iffoundreturntosea · 11 months ago

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January 7, Day7

Day 7 2015

It's hard to fee inspired when you're sick in bed all day.

#readallday #fallofgiants #kenfollett #project365 #day7

I never would have tried Ken Follett if my senior english teacher hadn't given us Pillars of the Earth to read. Fall of Giants did not disappoint.

Day 7 2016

"Hail Hydra" is how the nerds in my life greet me now

#octopus #marinelife #shadesofblue #blue #january #hailhydra #agentsofshield #smh #stripes #picoftheday #project365 #day7

This was aimed at my dad specifically. :) He is a Marvel nerd and my go-to when I need answers on what we're watching.

Day 7 2017

Cleaned up and found some shiny circles

#circles #coins #change #circleoflife #january #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Day 7 2018

The clouds parted for a minute today.

#sunset #clouds #sky #nature #outdoors #keyhole #cutout #differentview #january #picoftheday #project365 #day7

I used an actual cutout in front of my lens for this month and am quite pleased with what I saw.

Day 7 2019

I am (Dancing) Groot

#dancinggroot #iamgroot #groot #funkopop #pop #marvel #guardiansofthegalaxy #booblehead #boobleheadday #nationalbobbleheadday #january #nationalday #nationaldaycalendar #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Second time a marvel theme showed up on day 7. Maybe I'm the nerd. It will be interesting to see how many years have similar themes.

Day 7 2020

And just like that it's Time for a new theme!

#color #blue #squares #circle #watch #watchface #lightup #minutes #seconds #hours #ticktock #time #january #january7 #2020 #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Day 7 2021

Walked in on this...scenario...this evening :D

#sillyniece #family #smile #silly #love #stepdad #stuffedanimals #dragons #foxes #lessstressmorefun #whateverthehelliwant #january #january7 #2021 #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Never knew what I would come home to. I miss this so much. I gave up a lot to be on my own.

Day 7 2022

I know a mermaid (sadly it's not me).

#hair #color #sopretty #mermaid #braid #january #january7 #2021 #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Day 7 2023

Made myself a dry erase calendar out of a picture frame and scrapbook paper.

#create #calendar #newyear #oneweekdonealready #january #january7 #2023 #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Day 7 2024

On my way to work each morning.

#structure #dailytheme #seawall #galveston #gulf #january #january7 #2024 #picoftheday #project365 #day7

Mom's draw today was a structure. I pass this each time I travel to and from work. I think it's a pretty fun structure. They're all up and down the Seawall marking big intersections. The water was calm this morning and the sunrise quiet.

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heartthatwontquit · 1 year ago

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During 2018 after Mindread starts: I didn't see anything cause I just got out

2019: Started to see things but thought I would be seen as crazy if I acknowledged them. People started to get evil. Ron DeSantis lies to you.

2020: virus made people back off and calm down. Covid benefits and all that. Cat died from idiotic stepfather who blamed it on my brother. Shoved the cats Corpse in me and my brothers faces blood all over them. Missed messages due to multiple internet cutouts so RESEND EM, missed a lot. Not like I refused or was mad, dammit. Just a victim of circumstance.

2021 Neon Year: at the end of 2021 People gave up for some reason. Lost their patience and weren't fans in their community anymore. Starting to say, "he's a Liar, an imposter!" Where's that coming from? Ron DeSantis shows true disgusting colors to just reveal HE'S JUST ANOTHER CHRISTIAN HOMOPHOBE BOO get off the stage and into another job. Call it like I See it

2022: Oh no war in ukraine Everything's horrible now oh no.

Oh wait Zelenskys amazing. No seriously he's got Balls. Time Magazine.

2023: Israel is at war, and I came out with my RED CLOTHING.

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bealdash12 · 3 years ago

Photo

Little information!

•Name: Vae Lacerti •Age: 23 years old •Birthday: 01/08 •Sign: Lion •Partner: BlackLine (@kazemaro 🐍) •Height: 1,82 •Sexuality: Bisexual •Personality: He’s calm, veeeeery calm, educated and kind to everyone, very different from his younger siblings. His personality changes when he goes into heat or when his partner is hurt. ___--🦎🦋🦎--___ This is my calm lacoste boy (Lizard), he is good in the kitchen (Mainly at making preparations with his tail) and lives away in a forest with his partner. He may not look like that, but I love him dearly and I hope you like him too! Buh-bye!

#my art #Vae Lacerti #my oc #my baby #ref #reference sheet #lacoste oc #calm lizard #lizard oc #skeleton oc #I made it in 2018/2019 and I just gave he's colors now #digital art #digital drawing #BlackLine #VaeLine #your arms bother me grr #buh-bye

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halcyandaze · 2 years ago

Note

question that came to me out of the blue but were there previous versions/scrapped ideas for bonomo and nova [or oc in general]?

oH BOY so I've had bonomo for over 7 years now so uhhh I do indeed got plenty of old material of those two and how they kinda evolved and changed over all that time

so lucky for you guys, for once I'm gonna *pukes in mouth a lil* ugh, share my old art from when I was 15, oof uhhh you're welcome in advance (yes I realize some of my old followers here could have been following since I was 15 but still) also since I've had these characters for so long and tie into my own life at times I may accidentally go off on some tangents but whatever

strap in folks, this is gonna be a long post

bonomo

2015: aight so I first made this lil dude in september 2015 in a sketchbook after school. didn't think much of him at the time, just a cool character design that kinda stuck around. an ex friend of mine gave him the name bonomo (I suck at naming things) but yes humble beginnings here, literally just a little guy

early 2016: ok so at this point I got attached to the design and wanted to flesh him out more. at first he was just a lil creature with a monitor head, but I wanted to run with that retro computer kind of theme and fully embraced it by making him into a robot

mid/late 2016: alright so here is when the design really started to take shape and tighten up as you can see, from this point not much changes with bonomo as far as the design goes except for just minor art style changes from here. this is where I start building more personality, being rather positive, naive, goofy

2017: here is where I really start knowing the character well and finally get all the kinks out of the design. ended up making him very expressive, taller, softer, rounder, everything past this point is peak bonomo

2018/2019/2020/2021/2022: not much to report at this point his design is pretty much solid from here

nova

early 2016: so here I first wanted to make a simple persona/self insert kinda thing and made this rough unnamed loose design of a lil alien creature, as you can see I cannot decide on a color palette to save my life

mid/late 2016: got a name for them and started calling them nova, and I finally picked a goddamn color palette and basic outfit design about damn time. at this point they went from being just a nameless self insert persona concept to be their own character instead

2017: same with bonomo, this is where I feel like I got a good solid design for them, and all of their major design has stayed the same from here on out. I also brought back/revived some elements from their very first designs in 2016 as a design for their younger self for backstory purposes, but this is still a bit rough and I put it on the back burner to shape up their current design and story before tackling their backstory

2018: not much change here except I feel my art has gotten much better at this point lol

2019/2020: at this point I have bonomo and nova's personality, design, dynamic, and story rough ideas down pretty solid so I work more on nova's past and backstory more and have nailed down the design for their younger past self

2021/2022: both versions of nova have remained pretty much unchanged from here

early 2016: both bonomo and (at the time unnamed) nova were more of just designs than the characters we know em as today. I started drawing them together around march 2016 just because I thought "oh haha a robot and alien, sci-fi cross over time" without thinking much of it

mid/late 2016: here I find myself drawing the two together more and it's at this point I realize to myself 'oh shit I can do something with this' and started to really flesh out who they are and where they came from and wanted to turn them into full characters instead of just little doodles. here I started experimenting with lore and story ideas, many of which have changed a lot or have been scrapped completely by now. at first I imagined both of them being from space, but ended up scrapping that and having bonomo be native to earth. I also didn't have a full motive for nova to come to earth yet either, but I knew they'd both be on earth at this point just causing trouble. I also was debating making their story much more depressing and even toxic at points for the two of them, even debating having bonomo leaving nova for good at some point, but that just made me sad over time so that quickly was changed

2017: here is both when their main design elements and personality start to take proper shape. I base their personalities off of exaggerated aspects of my own, bonomo being my goofy silly naive geeky half and nova being my feral stubborn paranoid half. I have also started forming the very rough idea of nova's backstory to how they arrived on earth, why they're on earth, how bonomo and nova meet, and their basic every day lives

2018: ok so now that I have their designs, personalities, and daily lives and motivations down, I start working on their actual story and have gotten it pretty solid now (but these are all spoilers so hmm ask for more info later if y'all really want uhhhhhhh)

2019/2020: at this point my art has gone from much more simple and flat color generally to much more rendered and symbolic and distorted and psychedelic, cuz this was after I dropped out of college and was battling some nasty drug addictions at the time which quite literally changed how I see the world to a much more confusing and broken and distorted place, and my art changed to reflect that. it was at this point that I started working more on nova's backstory seriously since it ties into where their story finishes

2021/2022: my art at this point was a lot of self reflection cuz I had a lot of emotions and a lot of personal growth and a lot of change in my life at this point and phew these two were really going through it in my artwork while I figured my shit out. but here we are now!

so yeah uh that's bonomo the prototype robot and nova the ex-space criminal they live in the middle of nowhere new mexico and get up to silly shenanigans and tomfoolery :]

#asks #anonymous #bonomo #nova #oc #oc lore

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fenoderee · 3 years ago

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薫 [Guitar] Interview

Let's start with an interview with Kaoru, the main composer of the Band. He has been steering the Band in the direction of what he feels is new and interesting musically, but in what mode has he been working on the music now, and how did he complete the new song "Oboro"?

Nothing is interesting if it's exactly what you think it is at the beginning, but it becomes interesting if you think "it could look like this" and continue drawing.

-Since we're doing this remotely, I'm also curious about where you are now... Is it your home studio?

Kaoru: It's like a studio, a place where I write songs and draw pictures.

-A place where you can concentrate on one work. Have you had a studio for quite some time?

Kaoru: About five years ago. I've been using it since I started writing songs for 'The Insulated World' (released September 2018).

-I'm also curious about the monitor screen behind you, which I assume you're still writing songs on.

Kaoru: No, this is just the data for "Oboro". There's also a guitar in the composition.

-It's a studio that you can use freely 24 hours a day, are you the type of person who sets aside time to write songs?

Kaoru: Basically, I do, but it depends on the moment. When I'm in the mood, I don't need to set a time to write.

-I've heard that you've been writing songs for your next album for quite some time?

Kaoru: Yes. We started writing songs before we had finished "The Insulated World." I don't know if they will end up on the album or not, but I started writing them anyway.

-The style of your previous work was also key in terms of what inspired you to write a song and how you think about it, but what did you see in "The Insulated World“ that made you want to pursue it further?

Kaoru: To put it simply, I wanted to create something more intense. The last album was made with the intention of creating something intense, and the album before that "ARCHE" (released in December 2014), was a straightforward package of what we had created at that time. For the next album, I want to make sure that the songs I've chosen are the only ones I can think of. In that sense, I want to make a very intense album. I don't want it to be an intense album, or a slow album, or anything like that, but I want it to be a whole piece of work.

-Do you write your songs with the whole album in mind, rather than just one song at a time?

Kaoru: Yes, that's true. But when we first started writing the songs, I had a feeling about it, but I hadn't told the band yet.

-What kind of sounds and phrases come to you as a starting point when you are conscious of wanting to make something strong?

Kaoru: The way we create doesn't change much. It doesn't matter what the starting point is. I just start writing and then somewhere along the line I start to betray myself. I'll put in a phrase that sounds different. It's all about making the song more interesting. It's more like if you start off with the right idea, the song won't expand from there. I'm trying to find songs where I can find the unexpected.

-Do you also do some kind of input work to draw your own inspiration?

Kaoru: I do input, but I don't know if it's open or not. When I sit down in my studio and think "Come on, let's do it", I don't really think about anything else.

-Do you feel that starting to draw together has given some kind of feedback to your music?

Kaoru: I thought there would be, but not really (laughs). It's still the same, both in terms of salary and songs. If I tried to create it myself, I'd end up thinking in a very unorthodox way. The more I draw, the more I think the same way as I do when I write songs. It's not interesting if it's exactly what I had in mind from the start, but if I start drawing randomly and when something comes out, I think "it could look like this", and then I go on with it and it becomes interesting.

-So you don't like the fact that you can predict what you are going to do?

Kaoru: Yes. But in the case of a song, you can say "I've tried it, but I think I'll redo it", but with a picture, once you've put in one stroke, you can say "Oh, it's not the same", so the tension is different in that respect.

-Returning to the subject of one song, last year DIR EN GREY released "Ochita Koto no Aru Sora" as a download. When was this song born?

Kaoru: Last spring...well, it's been around for a while. It was a song that we had been working on. We reworked it and made it again.

-Were you in the mode of "I want to make it strong" from that point on?

Kaoru: I think we were in that mode, but I have an image of that song as a single, so it's a bit different. I wanted to put it together as a single, but with an unexpected twist. So it's a mixture of mellow, loud and core.

-But I think you felt you were able to move forward with one new song. Was there anything that came out of that?

Kaoru: It's still like we're trying to get our hands on something that's shrouded in mist. I'm still struggling with it.

-From what point did you start to make "This Single"?

Kaoru: Unusually for me, I started with a chord progression. I thought it would make a beautiful song. But as a song it was just a chord progression and I didn't have a definitive image yet. So I gave the members a listen to the song and said "Let's try it".

-Did you write the chord progressions while playing the guitar?

Kaoru: No, the keyboard. I thought it would be easier to understand the development of the song if I added the guitar when I played it for the members, so I did, but I hadn't added it before.

-A single keyboard is an instrument that makes it easy to visually see how the notes are stacked. Do you find it easier to move on to something unexpected if you use such an instrument?

Kaoru: When I'm creating phrases on the keyboard, I'm only imagining how the song will go. It's not that I'm trying to make the sound pile up purely because it's on the keyboard, but simply because it's easier to see than playing the guitar. This was especially true for "Oboro" and nowadays I always review the notes once on the keyboard. I also created "The World of Mercy" (released in September 2019) on the keyboard at first. When I added guitars to it, the song changed drastically.

-"Oboro" is finished in an arrangement that incorporates strings, but is the rough phrase of strings in your head from the beginning?

Kaoru: I didn't include it in the demo stage. In fact, I was thinking of not including it. But when I created the guitar solo and was thinking about what to do before it, I came up with the idea of strings. I put them in, and it worked out well, so I decided to put strings in the second half as well.

-So the guitar solo led to the string arrangement.

Kaoru: To put it coolly, yes (laughs). For a while we were trying to get rid of the guitar solo, but recently we've been trying to add the flavor of the guitar solo to the songs. I was struggling with this until about halfway through, when I really thought the guitar solo was necessary. Even now, there are times when I don't think it's necessary. But this is the same idea I had when I started adding guitar solos again. I grew up with that kind of music, and I was always impressed by the cool guitar solos of my favorite artists. I don't think solos are really necessary in this day and age, but as long as it's not too dull, it's okay. That's why I think about the phrases I use in my solos, but it's not like I have any deep feelings about them.

-When you were thinking about the phrases and melody for the guitar solo, did you have a song in mind yet?

Kaoru: I had a tentative song in mind, but I hadn't finished the verses yet.

-Oh, really? It's a solo with a melody and tone that fits the color of the poem very well.

Kaoru: So maybe it was my mouth that called up this poem (laughs).

-I'll say it, brother!

Kaoru: That's a lie, a lie (laughs). When I was thinking about the guitar solo, I felt like I was drawing a picture. I was trying to figure out what kind of sound I wanted the chords to make while creating a certain atmosphere. It's like I'm trying to figure out what emotion I want to put into it. The general idea was to keep the first phrase as it was, but change the nuances in the details.

It's limited, so you can't do something like a power collision, but it will surely be a live that is nothing but DIR EN GREY's live.

-You're a real romantic when you can get away with this kind of melody and arrangement.

Kaoru: Yeah, that's right (laughs).

-Another thing I noticed was how few guitar tracks there were. Is this a result of your desire for a change in the construction of the sound?

Kaoru: I think a lot of people feel that this song is easy to understand, but we just didn't make it easy to hear everything. If you listen to it carefully, it's actually not an easy song to understand at all...let's just say that (laughs). If you listen to it thinking that you can hear everything that is in it, you will never hear it. In fact, there are many "sounds" that are far away. I put them in such a way that you can't hear them. So I'm trying to make you feel it. I think the guitars in this song are meant to be felt. I don't want you to listen to it, but to feel it. That's why it doesn't come out with a bang, but there's something there. The number of tracks is smaller than in the days of "Dum Spiro Spero" (Continued in August 2011), but I thought it would be more interesting to let the listener hear that there are actually various sounds at key points. In that sense, I want the album to be dense.

-Did you come up with such a clever method while struggling with the music in your secret studio?

Kaoru: I'm basically twisted (laughs). But when I think something is not interesting, I naturally come up with something like that. When the album finally comes out, I think it's OK as long as everything is interesting and fits together. It's not like I haven't done this before, but this time I took the plunge.

-In this case, I think you have to be very careful about sound awards and mix balance. What kind of instructions did you give during the recording process?

Kaoru: I didn't make any detailed instructions. I just recorded it normally, reamped it in the studio, and at the last minute asked the engineer, "This is how I want it". The rest was left to the mix engineer. However, I had already talked with the members at the pre-production stage. I wanted the whole thing to sound like a warble, and the guitars were relatively up front. When it came time to mix it, I tried to make it more of a feeling than a sound.

-Neil Avalon was the mix engineer, was it easy to convey the subtle nuances?

Kaoru: Neil seemed to understand. Even so, it was difficult to convey even the most recognizable nuances, and I had many exchanges.

-You said you were going to have him play the guitar, but could you give us some pointers on "this part is actually the guitar"?

Kaoru: To make it easy to understand, in the A melody, there's a kind of arpeggio that goes back and forth. It's like a single note phrase.

-Is it an echo-like effect with a lot of depth?

Kaoru: Yes, yes. That's the one that's actually getting straightened out little by little (laughs). But you can't tell unless you listen carefully. The first shot is a bit choppy, so you can understand it, but the second half is very year-round and you may not understand it. It's interesting to understand.

-As I unraveled Oboro, using what you taught me as a hint, I felt like I was getting deeper and deeper into it.

Kaoru: Yes, I think it will be fun, so please listen carefully. Well, I'll try not to make you sit down (laughs).

-I'm a passenger, though, lol.

Kaoru: It's just something I came up with. But it wouldn't be interesting to have a song where everything is played, or where all the voices are heard, or where all the sounds of the five players must be heard because it's a band. If that's the case, then the guitar doesn't have to be played loudly.

-Did completing this song make what you wanted to do for the album clearer?

Kaoru: It's just that now that "Oboro" is done, I don't think there will be any more songs like this one (laughs). But we originally wrote this song as a ballad, and the album's ballad will be released as a single first. "Oboro" exists in my mind only as a single song, so I think I need a song with a different selection.

-Are you starting to give shape to it?

Kaoru: No, it takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of time for me and my team members to get to know each other. It's hard to find something that says, "Oh, you don't have to think that hard". So I try not to think about it (laughs).

-That's just like Dr. Den who is in album production mode (laughs). I always send the best car with the best machine to the landing place.

Kaoru: It's true. I can't decide, or rather I don't want to decide. I want to use the possibilities to the fullest as they grow. The members say to me, "Shouldn't you decide what kind of album you want to make?“ I usually answer, "No, I'd like to keep it a little more vague“. This always lasts until the second half of the album production (laughs).

-Since last year you haven't been able to perform live as much as you'd like, does that put you in a better frame of mind to concentrate on writing songs?

Kaoru: We haven't toured for a year now, we used to tour twice a year. Now I think there were hints in the casual conversations I had with the members in the dressing rooms before the gigs. I would get an idea for a song from a casual conversation, like "this song might fit this way". So I think it would be better if I had a chance to talk to the band members.

-Conversations with the members are different during the writing period and in the dressing room. In the dressing room, they might express their honest opinions, so it's easier to understand what they are thinking about.

Kaoru: Yes, that's true. It's hard to see because we don't have that now.

-Is your biggest input from your members?

Kaoru: I want to make decisions myself, but there are many things I can't decide. If the members say "it's good", I think "oh, it's good". I don't know if it's the right answer on my own.

-At the audience concert in May, I was asked to start by talking with the 5 members in the dressing room.

Kaoru: I don't think we have time for that (laughs). It's been a long time since I've been to a live concert.

-When the magazine goes on sale, the live performance will be in a few days. It's been a long time since you've done a live power exchange with the audience, how are you feeling now?

Kaoru: I sent my ideas for the setlist to the members just the other day, but no one responded, so I don't know if they think it's okay or if they'll think about it after rehearsal (laughs). I'm not sure how that will feel. But I'm not worried at all. I'm sure it will be nothing but a DIR EN GREY concert. Also, in a situation like this, everyone has their own opinion, and it doesn't mean that those who come to see the show are right. It will be the first one, or the beginning, or if it is the first step to get something, it will be the second step, so I would like to think about it after we try it.

Text/ YUKINOBU HASEGAWA, HIROKI KATAGIRI [GiGS/Equipment]

Photo/ REISHI EGUMA [C-LOVe CREATORS]

Translations by me.

#Dir en grey 薫 #Translation #Fan Translation #GiGS #Magazine #interview translation #Kaoru #薫 #Oboro #Dir en grey Oboro #Dir en grey #Dir en grey Kaoru

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remy2fang · 3 years ago

Text

December 30, 2021

It’s been about 2 and a half years since I fell in love with F.A.N.G. A lot has happened and I didn’t think it’ll come this far.

I knew the existence of FANG since 2016, so the early days of Street Fighter V. I didn’t own a PS4, so all I had were YouTube videos to watch. He was very interesting to me. Reminded me of Hsien-Ko and the Harpists from “Kung-Fu Hustle.” His design was appealing to me. I was also intrigued because of Jesse Merlin’s portrayal of him. Many people thought he sounded “gay” and threw homophobic rhetoric, saying F.A.N.G should drop the “N” in the name. Oh, real mature, guys -_-;; My thoughts were quite the opposite, his voice was what made me like the character.

I then watched his Character Story Mode. His look was interesting in this. His hair is so long and thick. The physics made it swing around so seductively. I had a feeling that this design was popular amongst the girls. I liked him, but it wasn’t enough to make me go nuts for him at the time.

Then, I watched the Japanese version of the story mode. His voice was so deep, but there were instances where it became high pitched. I thought to myself, “Hmm, he sounds like Shigeru Chiba.” I Googled to see if F.A.N.G was voiced by him. Lo and behold, he was indeed voiced by Shigeru Chiba. I told myself that he is now my favorite Street Fighter V Character just because Shigeru Chiba voiced him. I have been a fan of Chiba for many years, mainly because of his role as Schwartz from Juukou B-Fighter. To be honest, I was amazed that I was able to recognize his voice. I hadn’t listened to it between 2012 to 2016 until I heard it from F.A.N.G. Even back then, he became my fave SFV character, though not quite topping Remy as best Street Fighter character at the time.

Throughout the years between 2016 and 2018, I have been keeping tabs with the SFV storyline or at least for the Character Stories. I didn’t really bother to watch the Cinematic Story mode except for a few scenes here and there, mainly because it stretches at 2 to 3 hours long. I did enjoyed the few scenes I’ve watched mainly because of the character interactions and such, though I couldn’t help but think about Street Fighter: The Movie, or the American Cartoon series. The plot was very much in line with those kinds of material. While watching the Character Story modes, I was just hoping for Remy to pop up anytime because so many other SF3 characters showed up. Alex, Ibuki, and Urien became playable characters. Gill had a cameo in the Cinematic Story mode. Kolin became a fleshed out playable character after so many years as Gill’s NPC secretary. Also Oro and Eleven (prelude to Twelve) appeared in character story modes. Necro and Effie made background cameos. I was just hopelessly waiting for Remy to come out, whether playable or not.

By July 2019, I decided to look up for Street Fighter fanart on Pixiv. I knew that looking for Remy fanart is hard because he’s not popular, but I went and see just for the sake of it. When scrolling through the first couple of SF fan work, an extremely well-made artwork of F.A.N.G showed up. I thought, “Hey I like him and that looks REALLY GOOD!” So I clicked on it. The artist was Kuzune who made a few other works of FANG. What I notice is the apparent “romanticization” of this character, something I hardly see when I looked for FANG fanart years prior on Deviantart in 2016. Because of the way Pixiv works, I was led to see other fanart of FANG. So many good art of him by talented artists, in which many of them also gave him a nice aesthetic.

The one artist that actually made me fell IN LOVE with F.A.N.G was Tsai-Game. The art was not only extremely well-done, but there was a strong understanding of anatomy as well. It also helped that the art made F.A.N.G fun, sexy, and appealing. Another incredible artist that sealed the deal with my love for FANG was Hideaki, whose style was bursting with beautiful colors and elegant muscle anatomy. Also to mention, many artists and fans shipped F.A.N.G with M. Bison (Vega/Dictator). Years ago I had the notion that FANG would be paired up with him, but I have never seen it until I checked on Pixiv. Both Tsai-Game and Hideaki were avid shippers and would often illustrate such scenarios. Because I’m a Fujoshi myself, of course I got into it!

After seeing these images, I thought I was done. But the next day and the day after, I couldn’t get enough of them. I’d often come back to those images because they’re so beautiful and FANG looked so good in them. It’s odd, I loved him but I didn’t find him attractive before. But after seeing those pictures, I couldn’t see him the same way anymore. I just fell in love with him. Because my favorite F.A.N.G artists hardly upload their work on Pixiv, I wanted to know where they were most active at. As I looked through their Pixiv profile, they have Twitter accounts.

From there, I see their works and I was just so happy. Also, I ventured a little further and found English speaking FANG/Bison shippers. It looks like the fans were having fun. Because I didn’t play nor own SFV at the time, I hesitated to join the fan circle at first—I might be deemed as a “fake” fan if I were to come in. What also halted me was my embarrassment of falling in love with a fictional cartoon character. It had been years since I had a major crush on one. I seriously thought I grew out of it, but I guess I didn’t. I didn’t want my Art Twitter account to be associated with my new obsession. I didn’t want my friends on Facebook and Instagram to know about it, or at least not yet.

I thought about it for a day or two. I realized by the time I own or play SFV, that’s when the fan circle will die out and I’ll be missing out on the excitement. So I decided to create an account that’s dedicated to fangirling over F.A.N.G. I named it Remy2FANG in dedication to my former favorite Street Fighter character and to the character that took his place. It was also a blank slate for me, so none of my friends knew about it…except for 2 of them. I wanted to join the fun with the other F.A.N.G fans before it’s too late. I wanted to enjoy the moment while the passion is still burning. And I am GLAD I joined in when the fan circle was still there.

It was a fun, special, and magical time. Not only that our little group uploaded neat artwork of FANG, but we had our thoughts, analyses, and headcanons that we’d share amongst each other. We even played with our Bison/FANG ideas. I will never forget that. It was Dragon-64, Fumettosa, Minaree3, NoeruParisu, Night_Garage, Rose, Dictatress, Randi, KAAD, YolaMiguelita, and Technically Blind. Funny thing is that Minaree3 noted that there were more fangirls than usual that joined during that time. We talked a lot. It was a lot of fun. It was definitely an amazing time.

Because I was surrounded by FANG enthusiasts, I had a taste of what the FGC was all about. I could say that I lurk around the FGC back in 2001 to 2003, but I don’t remember it was called as such at the time. I just remember going through a lot of GameFaqs, Street Fighter, and Videogame forums, but have never heard of such a term until that summer of 2019. But to my surprise as almost 2 decades have passed, that the FCG had become more progressive, or at least within the FANG circle and the people they associate with along with big name FGC members. They advocate for racial equality, feminism, the LGBT community, representation and inclusivity. It was a beautiful thing for me to see.

There were many good artists within the F.A.N.G Twitter circle. The FANG account I made was initially just for fangirling and I didn’t intend to turn it into another Art account. Also I hadn’t made a lot of quality fanart for many years, but these artists inspired me to go back to my groove. My F.A.N.G artwork definitely gave me some sort of recognition to the point where EventHubs featured my work on an article. If anything, my biggest thanks goes to the little F.A.N.G circle who were there in the beginning of the creation of my FANG account. They Liked and Retweeted my art, which in turn was shared by members of the bigger FGC that follow them. To be honest, I never really have that much luck with Twitter. I usually get about 5 Likes max on my posts in my original Art Twitter account. I would say the difference between my Art and my FANG account is that I have a better connection with people on the F.A.N.G one due to shared interests. So my FANG account has turned not only a fangirling account but also a place to express my love for F.A.N.G through art.

A few weeks later, I realized that F.A.N.G doesn’t have a lot of costumes compared to other characters. A lot of FANG fans hoped that Capcom releases more skins for him, but knowing how unpopular his character is, I had little hope for new content of our favorite poison master. I thought perhaps if I commission a modder to create costume mods for FANG, that might make some the FANG fans and mains happy. I know it didn’t make sense on my part because I didn’t own a gaming PC nor the game itself, but I did wanted to make the F.A.N.G fandom happy in some way. Many people expressed interest in having a Hsien-Ko skin for FANG, which made a lot of sense for me after seeing his fight style and several fanart of it. So I painted a mock-up of how the modded skin would look like. I messaged several known modders about my idea and asked for the cost of a modding commission. Unfortunately all of them either have their hands full or they do not accept commissions. I was a bit sadden by it. I posted up the mock-up on Twitter in hopes for an unknown modder to pick up the idea. There were a lot of supportive comments on there, though there was one that told me to “Stop dreaming and start making” lol. Admittedly I was quite salty by that comment, but way later on I was grateful to heed those words.

During this time, I also noticed that the Story/Nguuhao costume model and textures for FANG was never released online. I didn’t know whether I’d get into modding or not at the time, but I commissioned Dragonlord720 to rip the models and textures from the game for both the default and Nguuhao costumes. I just wanted the fbx and texture files. Not only did I received those, he was also generous enough to make XNALara versions as well. So kind! I told myself that if I’d get into modding, I’d use these files that Dragonlord720 gave me. It was still an intimidating thing to get into because it has been many years since I’ve done anything worthwhile on Blender or any other 3D programs.

Eventually I got to play SFV at a local Round1 and embodied my inner FANG. Before playing the game at the arcade, I learned some F.A.N.G movesets via wiki pages and YouTube videos to give me an idea on how he plays. I hadn’t played videogames for 8 years prior to playing SFV, so I was choppy at first, but oddly got much better after playing FIGHTING EX LAYER in the same arcade. I played SFV there for only three separate occasions.

For a time, I thought about owning the game for myself. I contemplated whether to get a PS4 or a gaming PC. A PS4 would be a cheaper option and I could possibly get one on a Black Friday sale. BUT I knew the PS5 would be released a year later, so there wouldn’t be a point in buying a PS4. I thought about waiting it out. But if I were to wait, by the time I get my hands on a PS5 and play SFV on there, the lifespan of that game would end (spoiler alert, it hasn’t been the end yet). Getting a gaming PC means fun with mods, but it would also be an expensive investment. I didn’t know if I’d be playing games long term because most of the time I often go outdoors or do some other activity. It was something for me to think long and hard about.

While I pondered about getting a console or a gaming PC, I decided to look up on Jesse Merlin. Ever since my F.A.N.G craze, I’ve been wanting to meet him in real life at an event. I learned that he’s an opera singer and stage actor, so I thought about checking up on his Twitter page for any upcoming performances in the LA area. As I scrolled down, I noticed he mentioned a familiar friend’s name. I didn’t know if he was referring to the same person, so I checked on Facebook, typing Jesse’s and my friend’s name on the search engine. There is a match. Apparently my friend is best friends with Jesse Merlin for years. This was quite a mindblower for me lol. I became friends with said friend because he was friends with old Hollywood actor Hurd Hatfield, best known for “The Picture of Dorian Gray” (1945), during the 1970s and 1980s…and I’m an ardent fan of Hurd Hatfield for many years. It’s funny that my friend who was friends with my favorite actor also happens to be friends with the voice actor for F.A.N.G. Wow, that is a lot of “friends” there lol. It’s like no matter how different my interests seem from one another, they’re somehow connected to each other one way or another. At least now I know that there’s a connection between my favorite actor and my favorite Street Fighter character!

Eventually I got to meet Jesse Merlin at a film festival through my friend. Not gonna lie, I was a nervous wreck when meeting him…then again, I’m always nervous when meeting people. At least Jesse was both patient and courteous while I was anxious lol. I told him I really like F.A.N.G and that the community love him very much. He was appreciative of what I said and told me he was proud of his work on SFV Cinematic Story Mode. Did I mention that his natural voice is marvelous? It’s deep and smooth because he’s a bass-baritone opera singer—very different from F.A.N.G. Also he was quite popular at the festival. One of the films that we watched has Jesse in a cameo role and when he appeared on screen, the entire theatre applauded. It was awesome!

Back to the gaming aspect. A few months later, I saw Randi’s Twitter post about SFV being free on Steam for Black Friday week. I knew my non-gaming laptop was too weak to handle SFV, but I downloaded the game on Steam during the trial period anyway because why not. It took almost a day to download the whole thing. When I first played it on my laptop, it was at max resolution and it ran super laggy. I put it at the lowest graphic settings and the window resolution at 800 x 600. That was the best option for my potato laptop. It ran relatively well, albeit with crappy graphics and some lag lol. After playing the game and getting the costume and color that I wanted for FANG through Fight Money, I decided to buy the base game at $7.99. That’s all I really needed actually. I didn’t need to buy anything extra since all I wanted was just F.A.N.G and his color #14 Story costume. After that, I never played the game at Round1 ever again since I can just play it at home.

Obsessing over F.A.N.G was something of secret. By this time only 3 real life friends knew about it. One lives across the country. The other two were actually coworkers. I don’t really open myself up to people about fictional crushes unless I know a person who’d understand these kinds of things. One of the coworkers is also a Fujoshi. I showed her an official picture of FANG in the game. I could tell that she thought I had weird tastes. I then showed her yaoi art by Tsai-Game. THAT’S when she got hooked! From there she actually actively looked for FANG art on her own and told me whatever I showed her was absolutely beautiful. I never thought I’d get a friend and coworker to get into the BisonFANG ship. I’m not gonna lie, this was a fantastic moment.

Because I was entrenched in FGC Twitter, or at least the Street Fighter aspect of it, I decided to go to Capcom Cup 2019. It was only in LA, so it’s not so much of a trek for me. I’ve never been to an Esports event, so I was curious. As it turns out, it was exciting to see these professional players in real life, seeing them play right before my eyes instead of through a phone screen. Also the enthusiastic crowd made the atmosphere fun and lively. It was definitely an awesome time. I also got to meet some online personalities and made some friends after the event. I’m only a casual player, but these kinds of settings are really fun to go to.

For a few more months, I continued to make F.A.N.G art and play SFV sporadically. The most I could do is hitting rank at Arcade Mode (not actual Rank lol). I managed to be the #1 FANG in North America and #2 FANG in the world for a short time. People still enjoy the F.A.N.G art content I put out. All was fine and dandy, until the pandemic hit the US. I got furloughed from my job and I didn’t know how long this would last. During this period of uncertainty, I thought about what I could do before eventually exiting out of SFV. Either get good at Rank or get into modding so I could make a whole bunch of F.A.N.G skins for the FANG community.

I tried getting into Rank. I have yet to lose a set, but didn’t fight that much either. Thus I still have a 100% win streak as of the end of 2021 lolz. It was somewhat nerve wrecking and it did made me nervous, so I figured that online matches isn’t something for me if it stresses me out. Maybe someday I’ll get back into it when I muster up the courage.

So I took up modding instead. By this time, I realized that I can’t wait for anyone to grant my wish for the costume of my dreams. Capcom isn’t going to make it and modders are fully occupied with their own matters. I had to act as if no one else would make it, so I had to take it in my own hands.

For many months, I have been aware of the existence of Modderbase and it’s plethora of tutorials. The problem was that I never knew where to start, so the whole thing was just intimidating. Eventually I found a tutorial that was meant to be the start-all for beginners, which was found via a Google search rather within the Modderbase site itself. When reading it, it actually sounded more approachable. Also it has been years since I’ve used Blender, but the tutorial showed the few most important tools and techniques when doing a simple costume mod. In other words, this is the definitive modding guide for a beginner.

When I downloaded Blender, I was amazed how intuitive the user interface became. Old school blender was hard and weird to use. The newer versions made things easier to work around with. This in itself boosted my confidence in using the program.

Was making my first mod an easy task? NOPE!! It was frustrating because I never used Unreal Engine before and SFV kept on crashing whenever I put in my mod. I realized after 5 days that I installed the incorrect version of UE4, and it took me time to figure out on how to download that particular version on the Epic Games launcher. That’s when I could finally put my mod in the game without crashing. The other frustrating part is figuring out the physics. F.A.N.G’s sleeves have one of the most complex physics assets to emulate (the winner goes to Necalli because he has TWO physics assets). I was also hesitant to use the Nvidia Apex SDK tool because it was not recommended as opposed to the 3DS Max equivalent, and I don’t have 3DS Max. In the end, I just used F.A.N.G’s original physics asset for his sleeves and left his front cloth with no physics. Not the most perfect thing, but it was an accomplishment for me. Also I have to thank Dragonlord720 because I used his fbx file and textures for F.A.N.G.

After making my first mod, I thought I wouldn’t have to learn Apex cloth physics. Guess what, I still had to learn because most of F.A.N.G’s official skins requires apex lol. Also after I released my first mod, I was already commissioned to do a tweak on Mech FANG’s mesh, and it required apex physics. Darn FANG and his flowy clothes! Hence, I had to teach myself this Nvidia Apex Cloth tool. Good thing there’s a written tutorial on Modderbase, otherwise I wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It was still a long and frustrating process because I ran into a lot of problems when making the apex. It took some trial and error to learn, but I end up figuring certain things out. I guess thanks to F.A.N.G’s flowy clothes, I end up learning Apex cloth physics early on.

Notice how I always mention that modding is a time consuming hobby? At this point I understand why many modders have their queues filled up or they straight up don’t accept commission work. In my opinion, modding is harder than making 2D art…but I also think it’s funner than drawing. I think because it’s a new and exciting thing for me.

That being said, remember how I had to choose between getting a console and a gaming PC? I’m glad I didn’t get the console because I’m now a modder.

Aside from making mods, I also recorded myself creating my first mod along with some apex physics. I knew that there were already written tutorials and videos out there, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to create my own for the world to see. I thought it would make certain concepts clearer for those who wish to learn modding.

But with full honesty, I have online friends who wish to have new costumes and skins for their favorite characters. I made these videos and organized all the tutorials I’ve learned in hopes that my friends could make their visions come true. The time when I released my tutorial vids, I was sadden that it had little to no reactions from my small circle. But, I also have to be mindful that not everyone has the time to learn the craft. Although the results can be rewarding, it is still a very frustrating and time consuming hobby. Even I still get frustrated when modding something, so it’s understandable that other people wouldn’t get into it unless they really really REALLY want to. Also, people have their own lives and have more important things to attend to.

Despite of that, I still end up receiving a lot of reactions, comments, and questions from people that are genuinely curious about modding. I guess my videos did serve a purpose after all. Another thing is that these videos showed another side of me that I was not quite aware of. I never wanted to become a teacher, but I didn’t realize that I’m capable of teaching or troubleshooting. I’ll say, it’s a very powerful and refreshing feeling that I’m able to do these things.

During this time while I was happy making F.A.N.G mods, half of the small group of friends I had in the beginning deactivated their Twitter accounts. I was saddened by this. Although I was able to keep in contact with some via other platforms, there are others whose whereabouts are unknown. I hope all goes well for them. I miss them as they are some of the few people left who love talking about the BisonFANG ship openly on a public platform. From what I’ve seen from past posts and what others have told me, BisonFANG used to be a relatively popular thing back in 2016 and 2017. I’m assuming a lot of it was due to F.A.N.G’s heavy involvement with the SFV plot, both in Character and General Cinematic Story modes during Season 1. Looks like I joined at the tail end of the party. It was brief, but I could say that it was something of a last hurrah for that fandom. Despite not playing the game from the start, it was definitely the right decision for me to join the fun while it’s still shining. Nothing lasts forever.

Although the fun has died down, there are still people who love the ship. I’ve seen a few new fans pop up here and there showing their love via headcanons, fanfiction, and fanart up to this day. It’s good to see that it hasn’t gone away just yet.

If the BisonFANG ship is sailing away, I at least still make fanart and mods for the fandom. I’ve created many things. For the F.A.N.G community, the modding community, and the FGC overall. I’ve learned to mod other games like FIGHTING EX LAYER and GUILTY GEAR XRD REV 2 and will be expanding outside of these titles. I’m happy that the modding community is welcoming, if not for my eccentric mods, then it’s most likely for my tutorials.

Because some of my mods don’t have the most heteronormative aesthetics to them, my works have actually inspired similar minded individuals to create what they truly wanted. One modder in particular is Azeilein. She became an incredible modder and she provided something that is fresh and unique to the modding community. I saw her potential before and now I’m proud of her accomplishments. If anything, I hope mine and my friend’s ideas would help others muster up the courage in making what they want without fear of other’s opinions.

I’m not the most perfect modder, but at least I did what I did. Even though I’m quite mediocre as a player, I at least have made my mark on the FGC. Happy to know that some of the top F.A.N.G players and the FGC as a whole appreciate my creations and thoughts.

Speaking about top players, 2021 was definitely the Year of the F.A.N.G. So many F.A.N.G mains won 1st and 2nd in offline real life events. It was something to behold and even I was not expecting this. I’d be happy if a F.A.N.G main reached #2, but I didn’t think it would be possible to see a few hitting the #1 spot. Dee Ancer got 1st and NovaSpec got 2nd at Ronin Rumble. Metalqueersolid got 1st in Celtic Throwdown. The biggest win goes to Mono for CEO 2021. He won 1st place with F.A.N.G. This is the biggest win for all F.A.N.G players in the world. We’re all so happy. It was absolutely wonderful and I got to see it.

It’s funny that all of these amazing things happen since I fell in love with F.A.N.G. I’ve made friends, went back to drawing quality fanart, started playing videogames again, learned how to make mods for SFV and other games, became something of a mentor, and saw the beautiful side of the FGC. If anything, it is the supportive people in this community and outside of it that encouraged me to do what I do. Also a few more real life friends know about my FANG love now lol. I’m thankful to have what I have.

For those who finished reading this, thank you for hearing about my life story with F.A.N.G 💜💜

#street fighter #street fighter v #f.a.n.g #fictoromantic #lifeisgood #bisonfang

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cobycobsy2k · 3 years ago

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STORYTIME: My Story with the Xenophobia

(WARNING: This Storytime is a bit sad and it pains me to remember it, since it was a very rare stage in my life ...).

This story occurs during the years 2017, 2018 and 2019.

But it all started in 2017

For those who do not know, I am Venezuelan (On my mother's side) but I am also Ecuadorian (On my paternal grandparents' side). The economic situation in Venezuela forced almost my entire family to live in Ecuador (My grandparents, on my mother's side, are in Venezuela). When I arrived in Ecuador, everything was too new for me, it was like a different world. I felt a bit strange when I saw that I could do things calmly that in Venezuela I could not do (Walking with a cell phone through the square without being afraid of being robbed, being able to buy food, etc ...). In these times I made very good friends, who always played with me and made me feel very happy ... But everything changed when I entered a new school ...

On the first day of school, I saw that everyone was happy and that they shared with each other, I have always loved meeting new people. Seeing so many kids in a classroom was too surprising.

The following days were quite normal, I met a new group of friends and had fun with the classes, one day, a neighbor (who was also my classmate) started making jokes about Venezuela (At first they were harmless, but then they began to be somewhat offensive) .... This same neighbor began to insult me and move away from me, just for being Venezuelan. One day, my dad and my mom invited this boy to come see a movie with me, all day he was very nice to me ... I thought: "Why is he so nice to me when we invite him? to hang out or can we help you with something? "

So the days went by, until the thing I thought least about him happened ... He robbed me in my own house ... It was so horrible that day that I can't even try to remember it ...

So the days and months went by, I hated going to school for that boy, I felt very sad every time a Monday approached. But I had friends who tried to do what they could so that I didn't feel alone.

When I went to 8th grade, this same neighbor continued to bully me and Xenophobia, whatever happened to him or he did, he always blamed me ... One day my tutor teacher (Here in Ecuador, we have a teacher who in charge of helping us or giving us some information), she noticed that my neighbor had certain attitudes towards me that she decided to confront him, She explained to him about the situation that each immigrant goes through when they leave their country to seek a better quality of life. From there, you could say that this boy matured and stopped bothering me and other colleagues ...

But there was also a teacher who gave us the subject of Physical Education (Sports, exercises, etc). Which I disliked, I remember that he invented everything so that I would be unwelcome by everyone else ... One day when I was practicing for an act for the day of the flag in Ecuador (Festival where they choose 3 boys to be flag bearers, I was one) he told me: "Why are you a flag bearer if you are not Ecuadorian? Don't you know that you are doing a great crime to our nation?"

Those words made me feel very bad, I remember that when it was the day of the event, I gave my best ... That teacher tried to make my life hell, he wanted to fail me if or if in his subject ... Until I showed him that I did not let myself be carried away by what others said. Did this story have a happy ending? Let me tell you, Yes, my story had a happy ending. That teacher stopped bothering me. Now that I am in a public institute, I have noticed that everyone is very friendly and kind to everyone, that makes me feel too happy.

So far my history with Xenophobia has been, the truth is, they were very difficult and hard moments for me ... Since I felt very insecure of being who I am. Boys and Girls, remember that you are very special, no matter your religion, skin color or nationality, you are the most important thing to me and that is why you are my friends.

STOP XENOPHOBIA

#stop xenophobia #storytime

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babaleshy · 3 years ago

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I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

#autism #asperger's #adhd #special interests #sensory traits #autistic traits #sorry for how long this is

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ectonurites · 4 years ago

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Conner Kent in Suicide Squad/the Infinite Frontier era: wtf is going on

Alright lads hello I just need to type out some theories/thoughts about what’s going on with my boy Kon right now. This is more for myself than anything else (just trying to organize my thoughts) but since some of y’all like to hear me talk about comics (and some of this discussion has already been happenin in my inbox) I figured i’d format it and put it on here too! its like 4k words and written over the last few days mostly at 3am. sorry <3

this is basically just me going like

Also fair warning that like, I can be wrong and misinterpret things just as much as anyone else can, like I use panels to support why I think what I do but a lot of this stuff is subjective/complicated to understand so like... in general somethings should be taken with a grain of salt, especially because exactly what changes to the universe were made by Death Metal/Infinite Frontier haven’t been super super clearly defined yet. Also sometimes comic writers make the most random nonsensical shit happen, so I as a fan am also allowed to theorize about random nonsensical shit.

But to start: let’s backtrack!

Many months ago when Infinite Frontier was first announced they dropped some promotional art, and I remember being a little confused because. Well:

(Variant Cover spread for Justice League (2018) #59)

(Variant Cover spread for Superman (2018) #29)

Notice how Conner is back to his Teen Titans 2003 look up top, but in his YJ 2019 look at the bottom? This seemed weird to me! But then they announced that Conner would be part of the Suicide Squad ongoing title, in the T-shirt look, so I wrote this discrepancy off in my brain as ‘oh I guess that cover was just the last hurrah for punk Kon’ and moved on with life.

In Suicide Squad right away we learn he’s very much so there against his will:

(Suicide Squad (2021) #1)

Which corroborates more or less what we were also shown in Future State: Suicide Squad, although admittedly it tells... a slightly different version of the events. When I first saw both of these together I just chalked it up to being a bit inaccurate as it’s shown as a memory in Future State:

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Issue 2 we saw him in action with the Squad, trying to do his best to still be a hero despite the team, but things get a little more interesting in the following issue. It starts off with an account of his history

(Suicide Squad (2021) #3)

This page gave me a few immediate red flags, mostly minor things that had to do with coloring, so more irl problems than things to take seriously in-universe (Kon’s pants are the wrong color in the first Superboy shot, and Bart’s Impulse costume is in Kid Flash colors instead of the correct Impulse ones) but then also it just bugged me the phrasing “he joined Young Justice” when he was a founder of the team, he didn’t join it he made it with Tim and Bart.

But again, chalked that stuff up to just.... writers/artists being inconsistent/unaware of things that they should be aware of, or even Nocturna just not being specific with details. But it did still strike me as a little odd considering the very accurate use of villains in those same shots, Scavenger who was a reoccurring bad guy from Kon’s solo days and showed up basically nowhere else (even holding the Spear of Lono and everything!) and Billy/Harm (Greta’s brother) from Young Justice.

But then a few pages later we got this:

(Suicide Squad (2021) #3)

Which is interesting. My first instinct was to think he’s being drugged w kryptonite or something thats leaving him hazy/out of it, but my thoughts on that have kinda changed, we’ll get there in a bit. But in general the context of ‘something’s wrong’ made the slight discrepancies on some details of his own history make more sense.

I also want to then bring up the next part to this story, the crossover issue in Teen Titans Academy.

(Teen Titans Academy #3)

So a few things. Does it feel weird to anyone else that Conner Kent, a known previous Titan who literally has a framed picture of himself in a case there, would set off alarm sensors like that? Wouldn’t he be... recognized as a Titan not an intruder by their sensors? Interesting! Anyways.

He looks really pained looking at that picture, and sad, and almost frustrated, which ya know makes sense and hurts my heart because he misses them! He misses his friends and being happy.

But, importantly for a criticism I wanna make thats less theory related and more just me bein annoyed at Tim Sheridan, that’s a picture of Conner. Right there. That’s Superboy, on display at Teen Titans Academy, so the people who frequent this building would know who he is and what he looks like and be able to recognize him, he’s even in the same outfit and everything. Alinta recognized him at the end of Suicide Squad #3.

So why does only one person during this big fight then comment on his presence?? Why doesn’t it get a bigger reaction???

(Teen Titans Academy #3)

And after the fight we don’t see any on panel moment of Wallace going up to the staff Titans (who weren’t present for the fight) and saying like “HEY NIGHTWING UHHH SUPERBOY WAS WITH THE SUICIDE SQUAD?” we just see him talking with his friends upset about Crush leaving. We see Alinta talking to them but we don’t see the exact dialogue. So I do just wanna take the writer by the shoulders and shake him a little bit and ask WHY because that just feels like... something you’d wanna address on panel! This is like the first time since joining the squad that Kon’s at all in contact with people from his life before Waller got involved, I feel like not addressing those people’s reactions to it/not discussing it at least a little bit on panel (especially when Conner CAME UP in the previous TTA issue, Dick brought him up and everything!!!) is a really odd choice. Maybe it’ll happen next issue and i’m just impatient, but who knows. Anyways, gripes with Sheridan aside, lets move on.

I wanna bring up how Conner... doesn’t really respond to Wallace’s question? At all? Except to just fight him off, not even an attempt at a ‘Sorry’ or anything? (the ‘Ha! That all you got?!’ seems to be coming from Culebra not Conner, although the placement of the bubble is vague enough it could be that it was supposed to be Conner? but it seems more like what she’d say, especially as she’s grabbing Emiko like that) That just feels weird. It feels off. In general he speaks so little in Suicide Squad #3 and this issue. Tbh it almost feels like he doesn’t really recognize Wallace which I mean I suppose they never exactly met (they would have theoretically during Death Metal, basically all past/present Titans were together for a while during that), but Kon’s been back in existing long enough he’d have a sense of who current heroes are anyways.

But right, so, lots of little things that feel weird... that gets us caught up to the most recently released comics... but in this household we look at solicits as they drop. Which gives us some info on what’s coming up a few months ahead of time, albeit without full context obviously. Issues #4 and #5 don’t mention Conner in their descriptions or show him on the covers at all, because there’s just other plot things going on, so ya know seems things will be quiet for him for a bit.

But then we got the August solicitations and oh BOY it’s a doozey for him! And some things start to kinda connect perhaps!

I want to just take a moment to look at that specific wording. “The teen calling himself Conner Kent” I’m probably reading too much into it but that feels deliberate, like why wouldn’t you just say ‘Conner Kent’? Usually these kinds of descriptions are trying to keep a low word count, not add in extra words that don’t need to be there. It makes it feel like that’s a name he’s using that... doesn’t actually belong to him.

So the theory I want to propose (that has been floating around already) is that based on these covers and the description, and how the Conner we’ve been seeing in Suicide Squad apparently talks about his own personal history like he’s ‘reading a wikipedia entry’ and had little response to people he should be aware of like Wallace and apparently isn’t recognized as a Titan through a bio-scan and also bearing in mind those initial promo arts with two separate looks at the same time for him... I think we're looking at a situation where the Conner in Suicide Squad so far has actually been a clone of original Conner (like... like he’s Match 2.0 or somethin) the whole time, that’s just not aware he’s not the original.

Now that’s the base theory I wanna work with and build off of, but there’s MANY different directions that could go in/ways that could work.

For example, one idea is that the Conner we saw in #1 who was chained up is the original Conner, and he’s been being cloned and held captive, so everything else with Conner in Suicide Squad so far has been this Match 2.0

Another idea could be the original Conner in #1 is also the Conner in #2 who Waller had then commented wasn’t ready during the mission in Arkham and had zapped with a lil Kryptonite, and after that moment she took him off the field because his spirit hadn’t been broken enough to be obedient (as he was a lot quieter in Issue #3 & the TTA crossover compared to #2, and #3 is when the Nocturna thing with the history happened)

Or it could even be original Conner in #1, then in #2 was one clone that wasn’t ‘ready’ that after that point she stopped using him, and switched to a diff clone for #3, because like that first cover did show a LOT of clones. That could be more just ‘artistic interpretation’ or something, covers sometimes do exaggerate/mislead, but it also could indicate we’re looking at a lot of clones.

(Suicide Squad (2021) #2)

With all of those in mind I also wanna bring up this little bit from Future State Suicide Squad:

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Again Future State is a ‘possible future’ so stuff from it isn’t set in stone, but the idea of ‘she still has his YJ 2019 outfit somewhere’ makes me think it could be something along the lines of like, Clone!Conner finds original Conner and frees him and he gets back his YJ outfit, which could lead to like the imagery on that variant cover/the idea from my very first part of this post where I was talking about Kon being shown in both outfits in different places.

Alternatively entirely from all that, another option is that she maybe got ahold of what was needed to clone Kon, but doesn’t even have the original Kon in her possession. (again with the Future State thing, she could be lying since elsewhere in Future State we did also see a copy of YJ 2019 Kon’s costume in one of the Jon-focused Future State comics in a display case 🤷‍♂️) Which could also lead to that confrontation on the variant cover & the promo art thing... and could also explain why we have seen nothing about anyone looking for him, because in that sort of scenario he wouldn’t have even been missing in the first place.

There’s a lot of possibilities! It’s still too early to solidly know anything, but I feel pretty confident we’re entering another cloning related plot with our Clone Boy so it’s... ya know. Clone time. On the one hand it’s annoying because god we have done clone/multiple Kons plots before. We’ve done them so much.

BUT on the other hand, I think it could be interesting to use this situation to tie into some older stuff from pre-reboot that I can see some connections to, because due to Infinite Frontier altering the world and people’s memories it’s all technically fair game storytelling-wise again (and like, the use of Scavenger specifically in that flashback way above, who’s not a super well known villain in general, makes me think maaaaybe the writer did do some of their Kon homework)

Something also just dawned on me that i’m not quite sure what it means but still is worth mentioning: The Conner here in Suicide Squad is back in his Teen Titans Vol. 3 outfit, and his history as he tells it stops during Teen Titans Vol. 3. And doesn’t... mention when he died? It feels like it... stopped before that, because like I feel if he was telling his life history (even the wiki version LMAO) the part where he died and came back would be pretty important to bring up?? And Nocturna specifically says that he didn’t explain how that stuff from TT Vol. 3 then led to him in his current situation. That’s a pretty big gap (like uhhh everything from resurrection until he got lost on Gemworld + all the rest of the Young Justice 2019 stuff?) So like.. there could be something funky going on here that has to do with that.

Similarly when he flashes back in Future State: Suicide Squad to his past it also goes right from Teen Titans Vol. 3 to the current Suicide Squad run? Like I get it’s one page so they can’t show that much, but the fact that there’s now two places that flash back to that same specific time period and nothing past it until the Suicide Squad feels just... noticeable! Not concretely indicative of something, but noteworthy.

(Future State: Suicide Squad #2)

Like...this almost has me thinking maybe it could be something where like, they tampered with his dead body and cloned from that? BECAUSE, for those of you who may not be familiar with how Kon’s resurrection (during Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds) worked, when he came back there was time travel involved! He was brought back to life in the future (like. Legion of Superheroes era) because it was a process that took that thousand or so years to work/heal him (essentially because of his hybrid dna the process that healed Clark when he had died back in Death of Superman/Reign of the Supermen in the 90s just took a lot longer, but its the same Kryptonian healing chamber thing) meaning when he came back to the present alive again, his dead body was still also in the present just in it’s process of healing. Meaning especially if we’re bringing back stuff from before the reboot, Kon likely has his dead body just vibing out there while he’s goin around living life 🤷‍♂️

SO them doing something related to that could explain the choice to put him back in the T-shirt (since thats what he wore in the era his brain would be caught up to if we’re relating this to when he died) and why he’d recognize himself in a group photo with Bart, Cassie and Tim but maybe not someone like Wallace who didn’t exist back then. I don’t know, this branch of thought is still half baked. Will maybe come back and elaborate on this later. But I’m now really thinking there might be a connection to the early Teen Titans Vol. 3 era specifically because of it being referenced twice in stuff with this Suicide Squad.

ANYWAYS moving on, this is probably a shot in the dark and I only thought of it because I just was reading 90′s Superboy, but right away when thinking about ‘Amanda Waller’ and ‘Cloning Kon’ I was reminded of some stuff about the circumstances around the first clone that was made of Conner: Match.

(Superboy (1994) #35)

Match was created by an organization called ‘The Agenda’, that was after a while primarily under the control of The Contessa, Lex Luthor’s ex-wife, aided by Amanda Spence who had a personal grudge against Kon bc her dad was Paul Westfield the guy Kon was originally cloned from (before the Lex/Clark retcon). They were the big bad guys of an arc called The Evil Factory in Superboy (where Cadmus personnel got replaced with clones) which also then tied into the Sins of Youth event over in Young Justice (Remember how Match was posing as Superboy for a while there? yeah). After those plot lines finished the Agenda was pretty defeated (Amanda Spence was still out there and came back later but still) and... who got their hands on the remaining Agenda tech?

(Superboy (1994) #87)

Why none other than Amanda Waller herself!

If they re-canonized pieces of this (which also tied into Young Justice which ya know, YJ 2019 was all about re-establishing stuff from YJ even before Death Metal happened soooo) it would totally make sense for Waller to have complete access to the exact technology used to clone Conner before.

Now, a thing to consider here though is what happened to Kon after he’d been cloned that first time, where his DNA got all destabilized by the process (and he needed to go through a procedure with Roxy as a genetic template to keep him together, which was how he got stuck at age 16 for a while). This was something where he was fine for a period of time before the side effects began to kick in. Now, I think it’s worth mentioning that was also back in the days where he was not yet Lex & Clark’s clone, but still Paul Westfield’s. So there could easily be a ‘now that certain Kryptonian genes have kicked in as he got his newer powers it doesn’t destabilize him the same way’ reasoning or something along those lines to avoid this problem. Alternatively, it could be an interesting thing to embrace rather than retcon away, especially if we’ve been seeing Clone Conner in action and Original Conner hasn’t been in our focus, things could be wrong with him that we just don’t know about.

Another branch of thinking that I think is even MORE a shot in the dark but could be interesting (or again even related to what I just said, could be a combo of things) is if this somehow ended up related to those clones that were reverse engineered from the remains of Match from the very end of Teen Titans Vol. 3

(Teen Titans (2003) #99)

All of them were then taken down with Kryptonite and killed in battle (by Rose & Damian)

(Teen Titans (2003) #100)

But like... idk man if Waller got her hands on those corpses or even just the data from Dr. Caligan that he extracted from Match to make them... that could also be a potential way to make some new Conner clones, and that could be why the bio-scan thing at Titans Tower wouldn’t work properly because of the thing he says above about it not being a “complete match’

One thing I don’t think is the case, but has been brought up to me, is stuff with New 52 Kon. I’ve talked extensively about New 52 Kon in recent weeks because I read through all his stuff, but the thing that makes me shy away from him being part of this situation is the fact that... he’s not interchangeable with Kon the way I think some people think he is. He wouldn’t visually be recognized as Original Kon because he is literally on a genetic level a separate person. They’d prob look related, sure, like they’d pass for brothers because they both have Clark’s DNA, but New 52 Kon has Lois’ DNA and Original Kon has Lex’s. New 52 Kon would likely look more like Jon, rather than Kon. Lois specifically commented in an Action Comics issue that Kon had some resemblance to Lex, even. So like, things like Wallace recognizing him or him looking at his own matching reflection alongside the group picture at the Tower... those wouldn’t happen the same way if this was New 52 Kon.

Now I think it coooould theoretically be possible for Waller to have gotten her hands on that future N.O.W.H.E.R.E. cloning tech that had been used to make New 52 Kon, like I wouldn’t rule that out. Because she knows where the remains of their bases are as shown in Red Hood and the Outlaws (2016) #16-17, and like, Harvest is dead so she could easily just send teams out there to gather shit if she wanted.

Onto some other things I don’t think are actually related but that I was reminded of/wanted to address:

I feel i’d be a bad timkon fan if during all of this discussion of past stories with cloning Kon I didn’t even bring up Tim’s cloning attempt stuff, but I think it would ultimately be unrelated. His tech was stolen from Luthor, and his attempts didn’t succeed because he was trying to build from scratch without Cadmus’ the data about how they altered the DNA from the original process.

(Teen Titans Vol. 3 #34)

Then that initial cover for the annual really reminded me of part of the Hollow Men story from Superboy Vol. 5 just with like... Kon in a room full of copies of himself. I don’t think this story would be related either because it was more magic Tannarak stuff rather than regular cloning, but ya know. It’s the imagery.

(Superboy Vol. 5 #9)

It also really reminded me of the stuff from Hyper-Tension which was hypertime stuff not cloning but again just... visually.

(Superboy Vol. 4 #62)

In general I don’t think we’re EVER gonna see Black Zero or any of these multiverse Superboys again LMAO.

To try to sum up all of this in a way that might make sense here’s kinda a... flowchart of some of my main ideas for what the cloning situation could be/how the logic could work. Again this is borrowing stuff from across continuities because Infinite Frontier means theoretically anything’s fair game. (Also I don’t think I mentioned this earlier but I do mention it in the chart, but I think it’s also reasonable that Waller could get her hands on Cadmus tech if Cadmus is like properly made canon again. She just has funky government connections!)

Also I just now thought of this now several hours after I already made the chart and I don’t wanna remake it so sorry not incorporating it there but I remembered there was also that bit during House of Kent where Clark took Kon to the Hall of Justice and they were running some tests on him, so I’m thinking it’s also possible Waller got ahold of that data/that might be how she found out about Kon in the first place for this timeline. And they indicated that there was something wrong with him there, where he might eventually lose his powers or something, so maybe she tried to do cloning stuff to be able to have a copy of Superboy in his prime or something??? before that started kicking in. I don’t know, just more things to consider:

(Action Comics (2016) #1028)

ANYWAYS in conclusion: there is clone fuckery of some sort happening, I’m curious where it’s gonna go, and I just want Kon to be okay.

If you actually read this uhm. props to you bc this probably makes no sense to anyone but me its just word vomit <3

#this is very long! and disorganized! i am sorry #this doesn't have one theory abt things it has like. many #its basically just brainstorming/spitballing ideas #i could also be entirely off base! with much of this! i just feel i need that disclaimer #grandpa max is god? i go to church now #i need a kon talk tag bc i swear i write more analysis stuff like this for him than anyone else

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thevoilinauttheory · 3 years ago

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The Great Eight

[ In lieu of the Rising event ending tomorrow - and myself, just now finishing it - I had some words I wanted to get out.

I get this type of nostalgia - it hurts, it physically hurts my chest; I feel sick to my stomach, and I just want to cry. I’ve asked others if they ever feel this way, but I’ve never gotten a yes to it.

The Rising always gives me this feeling. It’s be eight years since I first picked up XIV. Eight whole years. That’s a slap to the face, it’s been so long and it feels so short. I wish I could give people the same experiences and feeling I had for this game - the pain and happiness this nostalgia brings me. When I say this game means so much to me, it’s not an exaggeration. This game changed my life - I wish to share it a little bit with you. I touched on some of it in the past, but here I’m laying it all out. ]

[ I first started playing in 2013, when a friend recommended the game to me shortly after the game’s rerelease. They were ecstatic to have another player join them, and I owe them a lot for the experiences they gave me. My very first character was Raramlah Ramlah - she was a paladin, because that’s what I mained in WoW. I realized shortly that a tank probably wasn’t the best way to go, but also that my computer at the time couldn’t handle playing it, due to the graphics.

I gave it another shot in 2014, that’s when I made Danny Harold. He was the first character I ever got to level 50. I absolutely loved the game, when I wasn’t sitting idly for my friends to come online as I had with Raramlah; when I picked it up of my own accord. I remember I was in the hospital when I first picked it back up, when I first made him and leveled him through Gridania. But I was still going intermittedly between it and WoW. I missed the first Rising due to ignorance.

2015 comes around, and I’m in a stressful place. I just started a new job, and I’m finally able to live on my own with little issues from my disabilites. However, my apartment complex didn’t have internet, and so I’d take my laptop to Starbucks and sit there until they closed playing WoW instead. I wanted to spend what little time I had on the internet with the friends I already had grown close to. Year 2 went on without me. But it still wasn’t all bad. Near the end of 2015, Maximiloix Voilinaut was created - and when I started up my XIV tumblr account under “ishgardianscholar”. See, I had made it to Heavensward on Danny when I found out that someone I had met through a friend was starting up a new character for the purpose of RP. I thought to myself “I want an Ishgardian character” - and rolled a new one. It was a new adventure, a clean slate, with a couple of friends I knew from WoW to join me.

Here comes 2016... and WoW had let me down. My disabilites came back full force, and I was left bed bound and reliant on partial disability from my workplace while waiting for SSDI to start kicking into effect. My roommates did little to help take care of the house we were renting, lied to me about their incomes, and forced me to use what little money I was getting to pay for everything myself. I’m short a total of 2000$ because of it. But. But. That was the best year of my fucking life. It ruined me, that year ruined my life, but it was the happiest I had ever been. Lothaire Voilinaut was first conceived and Maximiloix became my pride and joy as a character, I found the class I wanted to keep playing - I made friends, so many of them! So, so many of them! And I loved them, and I still do! I miss them terribly. If I could relive one year of my life... it would be that year. What I would give just to feel that way again - because I had never felt it since. I didn’t realize until Year 3′s Rising came around, how nostalgic just the few short times and experiences were to me. Because I was met with two things... the first song that truly captured me in Final Fantasy games (Prelude), and the first song I ever heard in the game itself (A New Hope). I cried there. Music has always hit me so hard, and I never realized just how much this game meant to me until then. This was how I knew I would stay - that XIV had my heart for good.

2017, during the release of Stormblood, I went homeless. I had wanted so badly to see my first expansion release - and only witnessed second hand “Raubahn EX”. My friends moved on without me, and I was left alone again to start playing. But I told myself already. XIV had my heart, there was no reason to go back to WoW. So I didn’t. I didn’t, and I don’t regret it. This is when I truly started playing Lothaire fully - and when I met my spouse, he became my main. I made it to Year 4, and cried just as much.

2018 - with the loss of friends, did I find new ones. It wasn’t the best time of my life, but I wouldn’t trade the memories for a thing. Year 5 came and went faster than I could blink, but that was it. I heard the music, I remembered my first Rising, I remembered all the times I had before. And I cried.

2019 started off rough. I moved across the country and had a hard time finding a place to live. I got it down, started a new job... and made it to the release of Shadowbringers. I had grown so much since I first started - and the expansion release was everything I wanted it to be, regardless of the issues that came with it (though I’ve been told that it was a far smoother release than the others). I was so excited... and I was not let down. XIV upheld its standards and presented to me a game worthy of pushing onto my friends no matter how annoyed they got with me about it (looking at you @rose-color-boy). Everything about it was a pure masterpiece, people think I’m exaggerating. But this game had done so much for me, that finally, now, I got to witness something I always wanted to. Sure, I didn’t have many friends to start the expansion with... but the story captivated me immediately. Year 6... and I cried.

2020. There wasn’t much to say about it, I was stuck inside all year and I hit a bad patch during the end of it, but... Year 7. It hit me like a truck. It gave me goosebumps, it gave me laughs, and ultimately, it gave me tears. I actually sobbed, this time. Remembering everything I gone through hurt me so badly, the nostalgia was coming in hard. But I knew, in the end, this game would always be here for me. This game had wormed its way into my heart accidentally, and yet I feel like I couldn’t live without it.

This year. Perhaps it didn’t hit me as hard - I still cried. This game means so much to me. So, so much. It hurts, it really and physically hurts how much it means to me. This game made everything in my stressful life so much easier, littered the pain with good memories. I can recall bad places I was in, and associate it with something good that happened to me in the game. 2020 - I got knee surgery... but 5.3 had just released and holy shit. My spouse got a little annoyed at me that the only thing I was listening to was the theme of that last battle (To the Edge). It helped me get through it, the pain and the misery I felt from not being able to walk. 2019 - Work was driving my depression in deep, and I didn’t want to live and continue the pain I was feeling... but I got to the end of 5.0 and only wanted more. I wanted to know what happened next. I still remember that one cutscene, how they got me attached to a minor character so quickly and ripped her away just as fast; and the first dungeon? Experiencing the Trust System, and going through this intense battle on a grand scale with the help of the friends they kept on the sidelines for so long. 2018 - My life was monotonous and I had three other people living with me in my one-bedroom apartment. One of my roommate’s ex’s was now stalking him around my apartment, and work was becoming physically taxing on my legs. But I remember how much fun I had doing maps - and the release of the Tsukuyomi fight? That whole scene there? Oh, wow, it was so bittersweet. The fight was beautiful, the music was haunting, everything about it. Not to mention the ending solo-instances and Ghymlit? The Burn? Omega? The Four Lords? As much as I disliked them (due to my computer issues), even Rabanastre was memorable. 2017 - I was homeless, forced to work a job my body couldn’t handle. I met my spouse, though. I became heavily invested with my tumblr account, doing a full re-write of it all. While I wasn’t much of a fan of the expansion itself, there were some places that really opened my eyes. Azim Steppes? So beautiful - and gotta hand Y’shtola the award for sickest burn. Then I heard my favorite piece of music, and the most nostalgic for me when it comes to SB, Skalla’s theme (Far From Home).

Lastly, I know this has been long. But I thank everyone around me for being so supportive and kind - I may not be in a good place, but know that every good thing that happens will be associated to this moment. I’ll look back on Year 8 and go “my security was compromised, and my anxiety ran high, but there were these people here who supported me on tumblr, that kept my blog running strong”. I will remember my roleplays, I will remember the music and scenery - even now, I’m getting nostalgic about Shadowbringers, and Endwalker hasn’t even come out yet! So thank you. Here’s to year number 8 - 8 whole years of XIV being in my life. It may not have been that long for many of you, some of you, this might be your first year; hell! Some of you, it’s been longer! But know that this community has helped me so much, and I can’t wait to continue being a part of it. Here’s to the eventual tears Year 9 will bring me! ]

#ooc #ffxiv #the rising #sorry for the long post #but there were so many feelings i had to get out before i wrote my prompt #tl;dr #i love you all and thank you for making my experiences with this game the best thing to ever happen to me #thank you for making this game mean so much to me

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