#I love psychoanalyzing myself lol

[dyrpyn]

I think the idea of creating is so important to me that I've been hurting myself trying to nurture every idea my mind comes across. Spreading myself thin while being stuck in inaction from choice paralysis around all these projects and ideas within them. Before this I never thought it was possible to feel overworked WITHOUT doing much work.

Creating feeds my soul and makes me happy, but the process to get to a reward of a completed task/work has become so exhausting lately that that reward is getting dampened. I take breaks and then feel guilty for leaving my WIPs to collect dust, and then the break doesn't do anything helpful because of that guilt.

And it's so so annoying. I'll get an idea and get really excited to incorporate it into a project, but then I sit down to do it and I just. Can't start. Something won't let me start. Or I work TOO much on it and end up overthinking things to death to the point where my idea is now draining to think about.

I. Suffer. From perfectionism. It feels weird to use the word suffer but it seems fairly appropriate. When I think of starting work on something it stops me from doing so by making me fret severely over the shame it's gonna make me feel if what I write or draw seems wonky in any way.

I just want to create without something in my mind pressuring me about it. The ideas are piling up and I want to Get Through Them so I can make more room to be comfier with my creativity.

I have orchestrated a perpetuated state of thought-related burnout for too damn long.

[television-overload]

Thinking about "Content, but are you happy?" and the fact that Ziva gets to be happy now

[summertimemusician]

Linktober Day 7

Sky(loft)

*throws rose* For the First lovers.

Soft and sweet drabble with just the barest hints of tragedy, and more set on Skyloft than anything but I'd say it counts.

This chapter was brought to you by me getting emotional about the First Hero and his fate again due to the rain, the fact I believe all Links deserve to have love and appreciation but specially him. And the fact I think it's an absolute CRIME that we don't get anything more on him and that he and Sky don't get to have what Time and Twilight have, no I'm not bitter Nintendo I just want to talk, y'all can't just keep giving us like four Links before the actual heroes and then expect us NOT to want to elaborate with the crumbs we are given. If you ask me First and Sky deserve to interact and for First to have closure.

Anyway, as always can be read as romantic or platonic, up to y'all, and can be read in or outside and LU context, I just use Sky and First for simplicities sake but if you don't gel with LU then feel free to interpret this as something else, this is all highly self indulgent before I pass the heck out lol

If there was any place in Sky’s Hyrule that you could confidently say you adored with all of your heart and soul, Skyloft would be the most likely pick.

Even so high above it all in a way that would have you catastrophizing had you think too hard about what could happen if anyone ever accidentally fell from the isle even with all of the knights trained to not allow that to happen, you’d be lying if you said that it’s a wondrous mix of empyreal beauty and the comfort of safety and the wonder of touching the sky, a true breath taking haven that could soften even the hardest of hearts with time. Fitting of the warmth of the reincarnated goddess in Sun and the vast nature of Sky’s kindness, for all you knew he could be as frigid as the title of Godslayer demanded.

Looking at the way First let himself be tugged along the isle as soon as they’ve arrived in Sky’s land in a tour just reinforced that notion, you couldn’t help but chuckle a little. First was one of the harder Links to read, even more so than Time or Warriors, but looking at the way the stars of his azure eyes brightened with the fire of life hearing Sky talk about life in his home and about the many people made you feel so, so warm, like finding a nice sunny spot for a afternoon nap.

What could you say? First was such a wondrous person, calm and charming and perfectly polite and oh so kind in the way you knew all of your boys were. If there ever was someone who embodied chivalry and the ideal side of knighthood, he’d probably be the one to come to the forefront of your mind, and you’ve been insatiable for his happiness ever since.

When he first arrived to the Chain, he was as cold as the howling blizzard winds, heart a cold fort left in ruin and remade as best as a single man could for the sake of remaining kind, to do the right thing no matter what, it was a sentiment you knew far too well in your other boys, but specially so in First, who tried so, so hard to distance himself from getting attached. But who you knew loved the sight of the sky, as cold and numb it was in it’s distance, whom cared so so much he would driven himself into an early grave just to make the Surface a safer for the people who’d shunned him, whom after a long, long period of adjustment and effort from the Chain, allowed you to hold him close as he shaked from nightmares at night, allowing you to chase away memories of being held up by cold chains until the impression of them became one with his skin and subconscious, of being entombed and imprisoned in uncaring stone and iron to starve alone, being bitten at by hungry, crawling rats all because he wished to keep his people safe, made sure he could tell that your presence was tangible and real through telling stories from your world and singing him into dreams even through the fortress’s that was his stubborness. Trying your best to make lilies bloom on what looked like a most hopeless winter.

The day he actually chuckled and smiled, safe and healthy and alive in the presence of the Chain felt like the biggest victory you’d ever had.

He deserved to know love and to be loved as much as any of your boys, something real and tangible and that was actually properly reciprocated rather than used to justify an end. So seeing him being able to visit Skyloft with his descendant with a whispering, hidden smile was more than enough for you. And you can’t blame Sky for being equally animated about it, bless his heart, always wanting his people to be happy, always so, so kind, wanting to bring some solace to the older hero but being carefully attentive so his mood was still good

After all they went through they deserved it.

“Oh! There you are, I was just about to show First to the waterfall, want to come with?”, Sky snaps you out from your thoughts, touching your shoulder with a gentle smile.

“Unless something is ailing you, you did look quite deeply in though.”, added First, soft as the warm breeze on the isle in the sky.

You shake your head, smiling as you take First’s offered arm, an instinctive motion when he wished to be close but wasn’t quite ready for any other touch yet, and Sky’s hand in yours, which he swings with a hum, ears twitching, how precious. “Not at all, lead the way.”

As Sky leads you along, and you catch the ghost of a smile in First’s otherwise stern countenance and you take in the warmth of the late afternoon sun in Skyloft and the soft, eternal spring breeze. You think there’s quite a bit you’d give to keep witnessing these moments indeed.

The road to recovery was long and arduous, but you’d be there, and you knew the Chain would do their best to be there too.

[gayhuckleberryinatrenchcoat]

Also in the episode where they meet Eileen that old lady who flirts with them tells Dean she knows when someone is pining for someone else and like.. he definitely doesn’t have a female lobe interest anymore. Amara? She was a kid one episode ago and now she’s a woman and he feels strange around her and maybe some kind of weird attraction but PINING FOR HER? Absolutely not. Pining for someone means caring about them and thinking fondly about them when you’re apart, not feeling kinda attracted and unable to kill them when they’re in front of you but scheming to rid the earth of them whenever they’re not in the same room.

Only conclusion that makes sense: He’s pining for Cas.

He also noticed in the same episode that something’s off about Cas, and Sam only says he’s always a little off but DEAN KNOWS CAS‘ KIND OF OFF!!💙💚

Literally EVERYBODY knew. Everybody.

Including the mother.

[vaguely-concerned]

it's so incredibly interesting to go in with this plan I have for rye's ending, because so much of it is built up in their relationship to varric -- and the relationship they have to varric is so completely different to and entirely separate in my head from the relationship I have to varric after loving him for more than a decade and relentlessly psychoanalyzing him and his many and various insane emotional intimacy issues through the rich medium that is dragon age 2, but it's arguably even stronger. I love varric, but rye LOVED this dude for being exactly the person they needed when they were lost and needed someone to truly recognize them and ground them in the world as they lost their anchors. (with some additional baby bird 'DAD SHAPED!!!' primal instinct from their father figure growing up). but also rye didn't know varric like I know varric. (the same way you uh. can't know your parents until you come along to be born, sort of thing I guess lol.) and I know the reason varric immediately took to and understood this kid is that they remind him so much of hawke as a young man that it hurts his heart a little bit with sheer tenderness for rook, for hawke then and hawke now -- for himself back then, (for anders, always, beneath the old and ashen anger, sometimes despite himself). for every lost and young and struggling person who's trying their best and truly could not have known any better until the one day they did, no matter what happened later in consequence. which is also part of what I feel towards rook.

I am making out with the fourth wall right now. me and the fourth wall are doing some things that wouldn't fly on tumblr after 2018 to each other. (it's what varric would have wanted)

(rye being someone who beneath it all is so desperate for parental warmth and guidance and being seen (and even more basically with feeling warmly invited by someone into the story of the world/reality as someone who is a unique and separate and loveable part of it. which, for all I love the grand necropolis and all the absolute fifth house style weirdos that inhabit it, is not something the mourn watch is very good at giving people if they need it, I think) that he'll take even the hollow shell appearance of it with only the lightest touch of blood magic to help him along in accepting the unreal scraps as enough. grief fills the room up with my absent dad, speaks with his voice, walks the necropolis halls up and down with me every day already, I'm GREAT at ghosts I call them up all the time just to have a chat. gimme back cloth mother I'll bring her to some semblance of life with necromancy myself if I have to. like yeah it feels like varric is becoming more distant and unreachable to me every day in the lighthouse. just like the man who was to all intents and purposes my father did, when he was dying. and afterwards the necropolis swallowed him up in its quiet eternal mercy that'll never give him back to me. if anyone knows there's no struggling against that it's a watcher. so I can never ask to have him back, and the helpless child-like cry for it anyway will find its peaceful tomb in my throat and never be let out. oh rye. oh buddy. yeah I'd probably also want to stab solas to something worse than death, under those psychological circumstances, fair enough. rye 'I keep all my feelings bottled up in here and then one day. I will die. trust me on this' ingellvar but the bottle finally broke and now it's the nastiest kind of barfight you can imagine)

[kadextra]

so on a whim I started reading omniscient reader’s viewpoint manhwa

..and got hooked on the story so hard that I easily blasted through all available eps in less than a week. istg they put dr*gs in this thing it’s so good???? 😭

[SPOILER WARNING! big ramble ahead. if you’ve never read it, leave this post. consider checking it out you won’t be able to put it down]

lets get this out of the way first.

RAHHHHHH KIM DOKJA….. KIM DOKJA I LOVE YOU

GUYSSSSS 🥺 LISTEN. HE’S SUCH A GOOD PROTAGONIST. MY TRAUMA BOY. MY DUDE WITH THE POWER TO INFODUMP PEOPLE TO DEATH. YOU SELF-SACRIFICING IDIOT. his cunning intelligence makes him super attractive what can I say, I LOVE smart mcs with ambiguous morality and self sacrificial nature

here’s a big ✨shut your mouth✨ to every character who’s said he’s ugly- get your eyes checked, get a job get away from him (I know it’s because of the fourth wall’s filter it’s not their fault I’m just being silly)

the fourth wall is such a cool power to have. the complexity of how it acts based on his perception of fiction vs reality as the reader …. that’s very interesting and well thought out!!! how it lowkey has a consciousness too and it’s so tied into his mental state makes me want to psychoanalyze this guy even more. probably one of the most unique powers I’ve seen created and explored in a story tbh

I think the entire system of how the world works is really well done in general. constellations watching the apocalyptic bloodbath via livestream and sending donos to their favorite little guys shouldn’t work as well as it does and cracks me up so much 😭 (uriel is the best). I enjoy learning about all the irl different fables, history & mythologies too. plus doing my own research is fun! I did a deep dive through the web to learn about dokkaebi folklore lol I’m having a good time

I also related hard to how dokja read TWSA throughout his life, the story was a companion for him. got choked up bc I reflected on how much my own favorite companion stories for years mean to me. there’s been situations I’ve thought “what would (character) do?” dokja saying stuff like “what would joonghyuk do?” felt like I got called out <3 I’d probably be the same as him if my favorite characters suddenly came to life

anyways yeah I caught up with the manhwa looked online and discovered it comes from an already completed novel with over 500 chapters and the manhwa is barely a third into adapting it though it’s been releasing every week for 4 years. and that it’ll take like 10 more years to finish. I then planted my face in my hands and screamed with despair

I’ll shrivel up waiting to see what happens……………heyyy woahhhh.. whats this light of salvation ? the novel file just completed download on my phone ? that’s crazyy wow I opened it ? im scrolling it right now ? omg I’m telling myself in the mirror “pace yourself, try to space your reading out do NOT read too fast” ?

jokes aside im excited, first I’ll take some time to read back through the earlier chapters for extra context of scenes! >:D after I finish doing that…. pls pray for my self-control to try stretching this for as long as possible. I’m pumped to see what happens next with this demon king part so maybe I’ll read along with the manhwa unless I get too impatient heh

to conclude- I had no idea the fandom of orv was so passionate. while closing my eyes to spoilers, I was looking at beautiful fanart and animatics (watched this one and ascended that’s one of my fav rin songs). I can tell how much you guys love the story, there’s always going to be people like me who get interested so keep it up :D if the fandom does end up reading this, ummm *knocks on the door* hi im new

I will likely talk about it more in the future!! tagging under “#kade reads orv” ! might draw fanart on my art blog too bc brainworms <3 happy reading everyone

[paganminiskirt]

I love reading your analyzing of Coyle. I wondered if you had any thoughts on his sexuality? (I mean I have a damn spread sheet myself, but you're so much better at words and really great at psychoanalyzing lol). I've described him as being "the straightest gay man I've ever seen" to a few people now and eventually the "get" it.

(CW: discussions of canon typical sexual and racial violence, slavery, internalized homophobia, domestic violence and femicide. One of the linked videos also discusses fascism using disturbing transphobic rhetoric as an example.)

Thank you for your kind words, it’s really nice to know my ramblings are resonating with someone! Discussion should be allowed to emerge naturally, but I think much of the debate that arose from the revelation of Coyle’s character was removed from the context of the oppressed groups being commented on by the text. I say that mainly in reference to people of color, since the KKK represents a cultural trauma which is inextricably attached to blackness, but the statement applies to queer people as well. That very Klan was almost extinguished in the 1870s until it was revitalized half a century later by a film, of all things: media is obviously important. There’s much more that can be, and to an extent needs to be, said about this story beyond rehashing “it is/is not okay to hornypost about this” ad nauseam.

So let’s get this out of the way: I think Coyle was deliberately being written as queer. The ethics of incorporating LGBT characters in a setting so obsessed with the grotesque are questionable (you can read more perspectives on that here and here,) but I think there was intention behind the decision to depict him this way, whether it's "good representation" or not.

One of his defining traits is that he habitually deploys lewd, effeminate language to intimidate and dehumanize his victims: “alluring piglet,” “honey,” “beautiful/sexy b*tch,” “darling,” “sweet, ripe young things" and the like. You could argue that is solely a degradation tactic rather than a direct indicator of his sexual preference, and he does seem to do it primarily to scare you. But a big part of the horror in Kill the Snitch is that Coyle is very unembarrassed about how much pleasure he gets out of subjecting you to that degradation. (“You lick my boot, maybe I let you up.”) The innuendo he taunts the Reagents with is unaffected by their gender presentation, and The Snitch is a fixed character presented as a cis man who Coyle treats with just as much aggressive leeriness. From there, it's difficult to interpret him as straight. 

And since Coyle is one of the main villains of the game, I think I would be remiss if I argued that his bi/pansexuality is a thematically insignificant byproduct of his broader characterization as a sadist. That conclusion certainly presents itself: even if his queerness is loudly implied, it isn’t commented on directly by the text the way other aspects of his character are, like racism and uxoricide. The closest we get to a clear, unmistakable identification of his sexuality comes in the form of his aforementioned attitude towards The Snitch. 

While the Reagents are interchangeable grunts, The Oogie Boogie Man Snitch is Coyle's own prisoner, and as such we witness him compound the usual routine of sexualized cruelty with repeated assertions of possession, calling him things like “toy” “mine” and “property” to emphasize a sense of ownership. He comes completely undone when the Reagents electrocute him to death, exploding into thwarted, miserable rage like a kid watching their sandcastle get kicked to shit (“No! FUCKING NO! He was mine!”) and throwing out all of his beliefs at once as this jumbled, fascistic mess; “anarchist pinko fucks” this and “country’s going to shit” that.

Perhaps the most telling line about their dynamic is this one: “Jesus Christ you look like my second wife, you know that? Spittin' image. Woman got me 'bout as hot as Missouri asphalt.” The only time we see how Coyle interacts with people on an even playing field is in the files, when it’s mentioned that he killed two of his fellow soldiers when serving in the army & brutalized a murkoff agent interviewing him. The social dominance he has over people like The Snitch and his wives seems to be the only way he’s capable of conducting interpersonal relationships on a vaguely emotional level. Otherization, fuckability, and the need for corrective shame/subordination are all intertwined in Coyle's head, muddling together to form his notion of natural hierarchy: one which is incoherent, self-serving, and more about appearances than anything else. (“I know what you did. I just need to hear you say it.”)

And the importance placed on appearances isn’t just something that Leland happens to believe. In the era when this game takes place, the electric chair was at peak popularity as a form of “humane” capital punishment: in reality, it was a callous technological repackaging of the methods of execution which came before it, namely the (distinctly racialized) hanging/lynching. These methods were designed to reinforce social hierarchy by staging voyeuristic displays of dehumanization, and were levied with particular barbarism against people of color. There’s a catalog of horror stories I could insert here about white supremacy and the electric chair, but that’s another post entirely. What I want to establish is that:

A. It's easy to interpret The Snitch’s execution (and the Reagent’s forced participation in it) as a symbolic enforcement of Murkoff’s construction of social dominance, akin to capital punishment or lynching/state sponsored terrorism. B. Men like Coyle were categorically responsible for orchestrating executions like the one in the game, and the fact that he gets so angry and addled about it even though he’s ostensibly a follower of their doctrine speaks to the nature of his ideology. 

Though a lot of real world topics get touched on by Coyle's dialogue, it certainly isn’t 100% down-to-earth social critique. Many of his lines invite you to laugh at him (“It's hurtful when you disrespect the badge. I have feelings, too”/”Ain't you slicker'n a can of mashed assholes”) and his crimes themselves are, at times, overblown and ridiculous. He's a caricature of institutional violence and injustice, not a straight faced example of it. No, the realistic part of Coyle’s storyline is how the power structures of 1950s America both protected him from consequences and deliberately encouraged him to degenerate. I’ve alluded to this before: it’s one of my favorite things about Trials.

He was sent to military school because of his violent tendencies and joined the marines to avoid investigation after killing his first wife, but once he had the Police Department to shield him his behavior escalated in severity so much so that it attracted the attention of an even worse organization. The process was Military School → Ku Klux Klan → Marines → Police Department → Murkoff. This facet of the story was always there, but the newly released comic really hammers in the point, that Coyle - infantile, nonsensical, vulgarly abusive and utterly unworthy of authority - was never a barely tolerated outlier or a well kept secret within the systems he budded up from. The files directly attach his klan involvement to police work even as he's described as a “good cop:” because there were no good cops in Blackwell, because good cops aren’t real. US Law Enforcement can be traced back to early southern slave patrols, they've had a handshake agreement with the Klan for decades, and you need look no further than the recent Minneapolis Police Department exposé to see how they operate in the modern world - and this game is set sixty years before 2023. Horrifying, yeah?

Understanding cops themselves to be fundamentally immoral and unjust, by the time we meet him in the game, Coyle isn’t even a competent cop in terms of his willingness to enact unjust aims. Yes he is brutal, yes he is racist, yes he clings to the childish, cowardly belief in immutable superiority found in actual modern fascists - but the ouroboros of psychosexual issues driving him to behave the way he does take precedence over his purported devotion to any belief system, to such a degree that he isn’t even acting in explicit defense of an institution anymore. That job, to defend the current institution, is what the Reagents are being trained for: the same ones he deems subhuman and, most tellingly, “perverted.”

One thing that makes Coyle’s whole presence in Kill The Snitch  so surreal and disorienting is how manufactured and aimless his job as The Snitch’s defender really is. The man play acts an interrogation of someone who will never see trial, referencing vice squads, courts and elections that are nowhere to be found in the Sinyala facility - even though a different line of his mentions how they “don’t favor courts in these parts.” So, he’s directly contradicting himself. When the Snitch dies, he goes “NO! NO! I'll never... God DAMNIT,” not even finishing his own sentence about what it is he apparently needed The Snitch for.

The man obviously thinks otherwise, but he’s a make-believe cop, a test dummy for trainees to be pitted against ala shencomix’s professional hater. Though nowhere near as disenfranchised, Coyle is a puppet in Murkoff’s trials as much as the Reagents are, all his nasty, grandiose rhetoric ultimately amounting to hot air: and unlike the Reagents, this does not end with him being reborn. He lacks the overarching purpose of eventual service to a greater cause that they have.

And therein lies the self-destroying prophecy inherent to his understanding of reality. You can argue that Coyle is aware (subconsciously or otherwise) that there exists the potential for him to be otherized, and by extension subordinated, for an immutable part of himself which is directly attached to his sexuality and masculinity. I’d be surprised if he wasn't, considering how loudly the prejudices of the culture he arose from are relayed to the audience. The fear that comes from that knowledge gives birth to an obsession with categorism, shame, and “justice:” which he rationalizes as an immutable aspect of reality by connecting it with the natural phenomenon of lightning. (“I used to stand in a storm and watch the lightning strike the plains and I would think, "well there you go." That's justice. Sometimes the finger of God reaches down and touches you. But you never know which finger it is you're gonna get.”)

This leads to violence which he is constantly rewarded for: and because it’s the only viable outlet he has for exercising those very issues which he was trying to avoid confronting in the first place… he overindulges. Loses all interest in presenting the rhetoric coherently, in favor of chasing the immediate release that cruelty provides with ever-increasing vigor. (Funny how he calls the Reagents “dope addicted” too. Mr. Sony VPL strikes again!)

But in the end, Coyle is worthless. He’s a tool, designed to be overcome. It's a similarly symbolic, utilitarian role to that of The Snitch, which potentially feeds into his perverse sense of protectiveness over him, but the people who are coming out the other end of this with a job to do in the real world are the Reagents. People he looks down on, people he terrorizes, people he’s so desperate to bend to his will. He’s like... white chauvinism revealed as senseless, small and disgusting, condemned to chase its own tail & buckle under its own weight no matter how hard it shakes it's fist at the sky. 

And in a series so fixated on delusion and the disintegration of the self, the nugget of reality within that was thrilling to see on screen. 10/10, would cringe at again.

[longing-for-rain]

I was reading one of your fanfiction and you’ve written in disgusting detail about zuko getting r@ped, why?

Interesting question. I wonder about it myself sometimes.

But what the hell, let me psychoanalyze myself tonight because it’s been a really bad time lately and it’s Friday night so you know what that means 🥴🥃

Anyways.

Weirdly enough I’ve been drawn to that kind of content from a young age, like age 12 young, pretty much right after I’d gone on the internet and been exposed to shit. It was always confusing for me. I always had this weird compulsion to watch certain male characters get hurt very badly in ways women typically get hurt. I’m not just talking about rape either; that’s probably the most extreme part of it, but it was also things like “damsel in distress” situations, eating disorders, body image issues, etc. I’m not saying men never experience these things, just that especially in media, they’re almost always associated with women.

I felt really weird for it because let’s be honest it is pretty fucked up. How did I get like this? It’s not even like I found it hot or anything—I’m a lesbian, I don’t feel attraction towards men at all. Besides, it was only violence I was drawn to. The minute a story started getting to some kind of Stockholm Syndrome situation where the victim starting falling in love with his abuser, it became a squick and I had to run away. It also couldn’t be just any male character. It had to be one I really liked. There have been others but you’re right, it started with Zuko and over the years it’s mostly Zuko. And yeah, that’s why I ended up writing content like that myself, because it was on my mind and I use writing to vent. But why? What was I subconsciously trying to vent about in that specific case?

Lately though I think I figured it out. The best way I can think of to describe it is a revenge fantasy. Which I know is deeply fucked up but hear me out.

So I get on the internet at age 12, right? At the time, my favorite shows were ATLA and HTTYD. So as one does, I start looking for things about my shows and come across art of the blorbos and naturally discover the world of fanfiction. And how wonderful for 12 year old me! I latched onto Zutara almost instantly because even as a kid my favorite scene in the show was the Final Agni Kai and I really wanted to see them get together. Now I find out there is a whole world of stories I can read online about that exact thing happening in so many different ways? It was beautiful.

But as you know if you know anything about fanfic sites (which I assume you do because you found my fucked up stories lol) I found some unpleasant things. Keep in mind this was around 2012 and I was browsing ff.net which had nowhere near the tagging/warning system that AO3 does. And even if it did it probably wouldn’t have mattered because I was 12 years old with a dangerous combination of naïveté and curiosity.

So anyway! What do I find on ff.net when I went scrolling for my lovely Zutara fics? Well, I did find some really cute ones. There are some I still think about but can’t find for the life of me because they’re either deleted or buried in the depths of ff.net. That was all good. You know what wasn’t good? The…other things. And oh boy. The people complaining about how Zutara is some kind of colonizer abuse fantasy wouldn’t have lasted 10 seconds back then. I remember reading a fic where Zuko raped Katara while she was tied to a tree. No warnings, and in the end note the author said it wasn’t rape because she ended up liking it. Many, many fics revolving around the idea of Zuko kidnapping Katara and making her into some kind of sex slave but it’s okay! She likes it and he turns good on the end for her so it’s true love! I also vividly remember a Blue Spirit x Katara fic where they were fucking, he took off the mask revealing himself as Zuko, Katara got scared and tried to push him off, Zuko just held her down and kept going. Not called rape. No warnings. Comments full of people talking about how “hot” it was.

Get the picture? It was horrifying. Keep in mind I was 12. It made me deeply angry, not just because of the misogyny and glorification of sexual violence, but also because it was Zuko doing it. I loved this character. I loved him because his story was so compelling, he was good and kind, he seemed safe to me. And reading about him violently abuse and rape the person he was supposed to love most was horrifying. It felt like some kind of betrayal. It made me hate him.

Middle school era me stopped reading Zutara fic as a result. I kept getting burned by it, and felt drawn towards that kind of Zuko rapefic instead. An old Zhaoko fic still sticks out in my mind. It was a pretty simple plot where Zhao kidnapped Zuko, whipped him and raped him, then at the end Katara rescued and healed him. It was oddly cathartic for me. Because it a) satisfied my revenge itch to see Zuko hurt in the same way I read about him hurting Katara in those other fics and b) put Zuko in a vulnerable position that would render him incapable of being a perpetrator in that universe (I know that’s not how it works in reality but that’s just my gut reaction there idk). Also read tons of fucked up Boiling Rock fics because it’s kind of a no brainer in the Zuko rapefic genre.

I don’t remember exactly why, but in the mid 2010s I didn’t really read much fic at all and my interest sort of fizzled out. I was mostly into HTTYD at that point and had a brief fling with Voltron before the fandom went to shit (which didn’t take long). So I guess that dark side of mine went dormant for a while and I didn’t think about it a lot.

Then oh boy…COVID hit. I was 19 when it started and found myself drawn into unhealthy levels of internet usage like most people during that time because what else were we supposed to do for fun. I was also going through some really fucked up heavy personal shit which led me to turning back to my old comfort ship…Zutara. Found my way onto tumblr, then to the fanfic sites. AO3 was a welcome surprise after being used to ff.net. Also for the first time I discovered the “community” aspect of fandom which I really enjoyed and helped me fight some of that COVID-induced isolation. It was really nice at first. I even began writing my own fics for the first time. And as you can see from my AO3 profile, they were very simple and cutesy in the beginning. Back before I went insane lmao.

But that happiness was short lived, because I kind of had a repeat of what happened when I was 12, only worse. Same pattern of reading some really good Zutara fics and some really bad ones. Zuko is sexually violent towards Katara. Zuko kidnaps Katara. Zuko rapes Katara. The author has some kind of technicality that makes it “not really rape/abuse” when that was clearly the intention. But this time, I was in a “community” with “friends” who promised me I mattered to them and that they cared about me. So I mentioned something about how disturbed I was to see things like this, naïvely thinking they’d understand where I was coming from.

And they…told me I was a bigot.

Yeah so. This was after I’d been sexually assaulted the first time. I also had this older creepy beta reader who I later realized had been sexually grooming me but that’s another story. Anyways! Point is I was in a bad state of mind, especially surrounding the topic of sexual violence, so it really hit me hard to have it used against me like that, made to feel crazy for having a problem with it, and dogpiled on for trying to explain myself and speak out.

Needless to say, I ended up feeling isolated, hurt, and confused by this. Much like I was back at age 12, so I relapsed into bad habits.

Honestly I’d been doing it before the breaking point, just more subtly. If you’ve creeped my AO3, you’ll see various flavors of “femdom” shit there. I like to call that my “I was being groomed lol” era. I had someone basically trying to convince me that male domination was “empowering” and that it was a sign of “maturity” for me to embrace it. Basically trying to convince me most/all women secretly desired it, resisting was a sign she wanted it deep down, I’d come around eventually, etc. Honestly I think this person just liked my writing and wanted me to pump out free fetish content for her, but it kind of backfired since it made me uncomfortable and I ended up just wanting to write femdom and Zuko rapefics because in that situation, it was the only outlet I had to express my hurt and discomfort at being bombarded with that disturbing kind of fic where Zuko is a rapist. I was subconsciously trying to reverse the narrative to escape the misogyny and the trauma I was suffering as a result.

Then after I got out of the grooming situation it just went off the rails from there. Stuff in my personal life was also getting worse so I just had this mass of stress and anger constantly running through my mind. It also really fucked with my sense of identity since the groomer/community I was in sort of left me with the impression that a woman’s role in society is to be objectified and abused and humiliated, and that she’s supposed to embrace it. I don’t think they necessarily intended it that way, but it left me with that impression because I saw so much content like that and barely anything representing women the way I wished to be perceived as a woman. It even made me feel alienated from other woman to the point I didn’t want to be a woman anymore (which is a feeling I’ve grappled with since puberty basically but that’s another story).

I don’t know which fic of mine you’re specifically referring to in which Zuko is raped in graphic detail, but I’m assuming it’s Dark Reflections because that’s probably the most graphic thing I’ve written. That’s the fic I started writing in the middle of that whole mess. It was very cathartic. I went with a female perpetrator against Zuko because it allowed me to fuck with the gender dynamics. A key plot point in that fic is also that Jun’s motivation partly stems from the fact that she mistakenly believes Zuko raped Katara so the idea of taking revenge against Zuko for being a rapist felt more direct. And of course, the reason why it’s so detailed and graphic and contains a lot of typical violent kink shit is because that was all the same shit I’d had thrown at me in the context of Zuko abusing Katara, so I just wanted to give it back to him if that makes sense. It brought me a morbid sense of comfort to see him be abused in the same way. I just have a catharsis generally about men suffering what they make women suffer. I know it’s fucked up, but it was a fucked up part of my life. And for the record I’m not trying to justify it or say it’s okay, I’m kinda of neutral on that tbh. Just acknowledging where my mind was and the fact that it’s a thing that I did.

For what it’s worth now, as I took the time to focus more on healing, I’ve felt less drawn to pure violence. I find myself wanting to write more about the thematic aspects of it and explore it that way. Even with Dark Reflections itself, the fic is incomplete and much longer than I originally intended it to be because I actually do want to go back and work through those themes and unpack what they mean for both the characters and the society they exist in. The more recent things I’ve written have been more along those lines too. Less graphic shocking violence, more philosophical as I pick my own brain and try to make sense of things.

Honestly writing this out helped me organize my brain a lot so idk hopefully it answered your question too.

And yes I know I’m sounding absolutely batshit but this is like my brain’s toxic sewer outlet valve. Believe it or not I am surprisingly normal in real life. I have a dog and big biceps and a cool rock collection and an office job with a nice view and everything. Anyways I’m passing out now. Night.

[unbreakabledawn]

4, 11 and 40 for the ask game!! 👀

4. what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

does g/t on the superbat server count? 🤏

my discord friend group is full of the dumbest fucking inside jokes. my friend saw this frog statue with a giant penis??? in someone's car years ago and we still refer to dongfrog on a regular basis, it's an emoji and everything. whenever someone posts a scrumptious food pic, we'll reply with a message link to a pinned message that just says, and i quote, "hmmmmmgmmgmgmgmgmggmmm". my bearded dragon jumped out of his enclosure one time and we refer to it as the beardie prison break

11. what do you consider to be romance?

hmm, not sure what counts as love vs romance. i'd say adoration, respect, acts of absent kindness. there needs to be a degree of passion for me to consider something romance/romantic

40. any bad habits?

i don't give myself enough credit and focus too much on my mistakes rather than my successes. not to start psychoanalyzing myself on tumblr LOL but yeah i'm working on it. also staying on my phone in bed, that's less of a deep cut

[ask game]

[firemenenthusiast]

lol this is random but Archie or whoever is in charge needs to HURRY the hell up with that Lurker movie. like im glad that he's relaxing and having fun n all that but my god it's taking FOREVERRRR. I don't want to sound like entitled or anything but there's barely been any anything else about the movie, not even crumbs really, well I know he was in his pink hair era and the video of him on the stage (i think it was for a scene but idk don't take my word lol) but it wasn't for that long. like did we ever even get any details about what it would be about besides that my girl Havana was in it??? idk I just need more new Archie characters to get obsessed with and occupy my headspace 😭😭😭, and hopefully this time he'll get his flowers because the salt burn era did NOT give him attention he deserved. like Archie did not act out Farleigh in such a amazing and interesting way for the both of them to be overlooked. but then again i don't think salt burn got enough attention either, like in the sense that it felt like everyone stopped talking about it in a few months 🥲. it still surprises me that Farleigh didn't get popular enough on tiktok and Tumblr (a little bit) because I would think he's THE ideal character that people would fawn and thirst over while simultaneously psychoanalyzing him 🤷🏾‍♀️

BRO I KNOW RIGHT ??? i dont know how long they’re gonna make us wait but it sure feels like FOREVER since it wrapped. and i dont think the shooting took that much time for it to take THIS long to come out ? like i already am so ready to write for oliver the singer and IM SOOOO READY for lurker in general.

also yeah saltburn had its 5 seconds of fame and thats IT. now people barely talk about it and some even have forgotten about it 😭 and omg yes archie potrayed farleigh so well i have to keep reminding myself that he’s a character and not a real person. also people were too focused on the surface level scenes like the bathtub scene and the graveyard scene. farleigh had his favourite side character moment but imo it should’ve gone for atleast longer than it had.

farleigh is the perfect side character that i would fall head over heels for just like how i do with other side characters from other shows. i think its because he only had like 5mins of screentime that people overlooked him and people focused on jacob elordi more. but yk its more common for people to obsess over the main character especially a conveniently attractive one at that. farleigh was complex and had depth and i guess people didnt favor that as much. anyways i do think that its also because saltburn came out at the wrong time. if only it came out in summer i think it would’ve gotten the recognition it deserves and most importantly i want people to appreciate archie’s work in it more than they do now. i want him receiving AWARDS. dont get me started on how there was a strike when his biggest main character movie came out. i could only imagine how frustrating that must’ve been.

tbh i think archie’s not one to really chase after the typical hollywood recognition. he just wants to do what he loves, enjoy what he’s doing and live a good life. i also think that he has great self respect so you wont catch him doing anything and everything just to be recognized. eventho i dont know him personally, i do think he looks a bit exhausted and i hope he’s resting well rn. as much as i want more projects featuring him, i want him to be happy. we can still talk about him all the time on here and i’ll keep writing for him 😜

[st0p-the-dams]

I have such a complicated relationship with my romantic orientation which really eats away at me some days. Like I’ve been 100% sure I was asexual since I was 13 and I’ve been 100% sure I was trans since I turned 18 but I’ve never been sure about romantic attraction.

I’ve only had one crush before and it was so long ago that I have a hard time knowing if it was even genuine. Only tried to be in a relationship once but it was with a very toxic friend of mine who constantly tried to manipulate me so I cut that off very quick.

I love the idea of romance and when I picture my future I often imagine myself being married or at least in a comfortable relationship with someone. But at the same time the idea of dating makes me super uncomfortable.

Here are a few of the reasons I can come up with that might explain my issues (cause I love to psychoanalyze myself lmao)

1. I’m aromantic and just in extreme denial about it because I’m afraid it means I’ll be alone forever.

2. My autism and social anxiety make relationships a daunting task so I convince myself I can’t do it so why bother trying.

3. I’m so afraid of rejection that I won’t even put myself out there. This has limited my social circles to the point where I wouldn’t even be able to develop crushes on anyone.

4. The combination of being asexual/hypersexual and having to overcome androphobia despite mainly being attracted to men has severely fucked up my brain.

5. I’m disillusioned by the idea of romance due to all the toxic relationships I’ve seen growing up in my family and on tv. Now I’m scared to have those feelings because I don’t want to be let down when it inevitably falls apart.

If anyone has had similar struggles and can offer advice feel free to hit me up cause I’m struggling over here lol.

[chronicbeans]

I just finished watching SnapCube's fandub of The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog and the freaking ENDING, where Alfred shows up to voice Eggman was a real treat, lol. Tbh, their fandubs and the horror side of the Sonic fandom (like Sonic.EXE and a few other stories), and The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog are the only thing keeping me in the Sonic fandom at this point.

Also, spoilers for The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog:

The train's a freaking platonic yandere for the Conductor and I love it, lol.

Okay, jokes aside, I really like that they touched upon toxic friendships at the end, even if it was in an April Fool's game. Like, for an April Fool's game, it was surprisingly well made and thought out. A lot of Sonic games, as well as games intended for children in general, emphasize friendship as an important part of life, but never really touch much on the toxic side of it. I don't know if Sonic has touched on it before (as I said, I am hanging on by a thread when it comes to the Sonic fandom) but it was very nice to see it brought up. They even foreshadowed the twist with the train in the beginning by bringing up how the Conductor had a long history with it, having him treat it like an old friend, and bringing up all the amazing things that the train could do. Which, well, a normal train wouldn't be advanced enough to do half the things this train does. It still has enough reasonable doubt by the fact that, well, it's Sonic! Advanced technology would be perfectly plausible in the Sonic universe!

The art was also very pretty, too! I love the little designs they gave the characters so much! Character design in general makes me a happy little fella, and each of their costumes has so much character to them! Even the Conductor, too. When I first started watching, I though for sure that the Conductor would be a twist villain, due to the shadows over his eyes. It gave him a slight "I am a shady fellow due to my mysterious look", as well as a cliche "shadows over eyes are a villain thing" vibe. However, after learning that he wasn't a twist villain, whenever I look back on it, the shadows kinda give off a more "weary and tired" look. It shows how the years of working on the train has worn him out and he is ready to leave his old friend and retire.

While I would personally have trouble playing it due to the ring collecting parts giving me a headache from just watching it, it is still a treat to just watch others play it and see the story pan out. I usually watch people play games, anyways, so I guess I am just more used to enjoying media vicariously through others, lol. I much prefer to theorize and psychoanalyze than to play the games myself.

Anyways sorry for my short rant I was just made very happy by the stream and the game itself, lol. I love to overanalyze media, knowing full well that there was probably not as much thought put into it as I am thinking about it. You know? It's fun to me.

[kirchefuchs]

(Luxie I am so sorry for psychoanalyzing you it's just,, you're so,,, psychoanalyse-able, yk? I just gotta psychoanalyse you...

..sPeaking of psychoanalyzing–)

Ceres

my dear friend

I have thought of the greatest Lovebug headcanon (it's actually my first Lovebug headcanon actually lmao ☠️)

BUT IMAGINE THIS

Imagine this.

(also let's assume that this concept is before the Stannarrator ship sailed in your AU :D)

Imagine the Lovebug Virus only going away once it is "satisfied." Like, a certain switch has to be flicked; a certain figurative button has to be pushed. Imagine the virus slowly showing hints to what the other person — in this case, it'll be Stanley — needs to do for it to go away.

Imagine that the only way to satisfy it is to kiss Luxie.

But Stanley can't do that! Luxie is only acting this way because of the virus! Kissing him would just be taking advantage of him, wouldn't it?

But here's the thing; Lovebug!Pollux is extremely affectionate. He's been hugging Stanley out of the blue a lot, holding his hand a bunch, kissing his cheek/s anytime he can, and everything similar. LB!Pollux does all of this, not expecting anything else in return.

Imagine Stanley deciding to return the affection one day.

And, it turns out, the virus can be satisfied that way; but it takes way longer than it would be to just kiss him.

But Stanley doesn't know how to kiss so he just decides to continue returning the affectionate gestures

And this goes on for several months. It started off as LB!Luxie doing the gestures first, then Stanley returnung them with little to no questions asked. Then it moved to LB!Luxie just moving closer to Stanley, and Stanley deciding to take the initiative to do the gestures. And then, it moved to both Stanley and LB!Luxie flat-out hugging and cuddling and holding hands and etc etc anytime they could.

And by the time the Lovebug Virus is gone, all the affectionate gestures turn into unconscious habits.

But Luxie — the actual Luxie — isn't used to that.

So everytime Stanley hugs him and holds him and takes his hand and etc etc, Luxie doesn't even know how to react without the Lovebug Virus controlling his every reaction. He's basically left a blushing and flustered mess because of Stanley.

In short: At first, LB!Luxie showed Stanley a bunch of love and affection. Stanley slowly got used to it and even started to return the gestures. By the time the Lovebug Virus is gone, Stanley is already used to showing so much affection, but Luxie isn't, and is now having to go through what Stanley did during his time with LB!Luxie :D

I forgot how this was meant to play out but I wanted to share this with you mwahahahaha

(Also, I feel like psychoanalyzing a random ending, soooooo do tell me any ending at all [including Bucket variants] so that I can watch playthroughs of the chosen ending and proceed to rant about what I found interesting hehe >:])

I hope I wasted your time in the best way possible!! <3 /p

toooooodlllllllllles :D

— 🅰️non || 05/10/2023

First off, this is hilarious and I love it so much. One reason is cuz I already headcanoned the lovebug taking place before they got together lmao. It just cracks me up think how awkward they would be afterwards, realizing how they acted while under the influence. It's so funny.

Also this is just such a fun lovebug concept. I just love the idea of Stanley being like "Well obviously I can't just kiss him. Guess we gotta do this the long way!" Both of them are so stupid (affectionate).

Anyways, this was an absolute delight to read, it would probably make a really good fic even. Here's a little doodle, I couldn't help myself, I just wanted to draw a flustered Stanley after reading this lol.

As for a random ending for you to analyze..... hmmmm...... how about the Infinite Hole? Lmao. I just love playing that ending, it's so funny.

(Also I finally got around to making a tag for your asks btw)

[privatelife]

not to be too online this is gonna read so embarrassing but my sibling wasnt available so i cant talk to them abt it lol

but ive been in a terrible mood all day bc sometimes RARELY i try to interact with my moots on various websites just little comments here and there. i dont do it nearly enough im very isolated in life and online but if i feel the need, i like to just say a couple words, yknow, human interaction. like if we follow each other i figure it's cool to engage in small ways ? anyway a twitter mutual hornyposted abt d*vid h*ward thr*nton and i thought it was funny and agreeable so i replied "REAL" i didnt think anything of it. i wouldnt have even given it a second thought if she ignored it entirely i was literally just taking a break from work scrolling twitter whatever not serious. but she responded almost immediately "i dont share..." and that was it. so then ive felt all day like i did something stupid and wrong lmao I KNOW IT'S SO UNSERIOUS she couldve been joking for all i know. but we've interacted maybe once before so i cant even tell. i kinda dont think she was joking tho 😭

if i may psychoanalyze myself for a second i think this tiny interaction triggered my rejection sensitive dysphoria real bad cause it like reinforced my idea that there's just something inherently wrong and unlikable abt me and that i shouldnt even bother interacting with other ppl. im at a point where i dont really believe that so much anymore but i still would like to feel "accepted" by cool ppl with similar interests to mine someday lol. i have one (1) real friend now and that's positively effected my view of myself immensely BUT we don't share a lot of the same interests so it's like, i can talk all day long abt certain things that are important to me and they'll gladly listen, but they don't get it the way others might. and vice versa! i love them dearly and wouldnt trade them for the world but i do at the same time wish i had Other friends who are into idk. horror movies, b movies, the music i like etc. you know. i think that's a perfectly normal thing to long for 😭 it seems like every time i reach out for that it never ever works in my favor :( ive mostly accepted im a weirdo with weirdo interests nobody gets me im too cool whatever blah fart sound... but why cant we all be weirdos TOGETHER. wheres the CAMARADERIE

i suppose a therapist would say keep trying! you're doing great! but oof it just really left my brain in tatters for the day. over something so dumb !!!! stupid and dumb !!! anyway at the end of the day i still can, should, must, and will fuck the clown man.

[gibblegabber]

i wrote most of this a month ago but might as well spill my personal nonsense regarding kick on his 14TH ANNIVERSARY WHHHHHHHH

nothing interesting it’s truly like a diary entry

i’ve been keeping to myself while i wind down from another hyperfixation with KB:SD, because it has to come to an end, because there’s very few people left in my life who were there in the fandom while it aired, because i get so fucking depressed when i think about it.

how do i describe this. Kick reminds me that i’m alive. he ALSO reminds me that i’m a failure. he’s the reason i finished art school and also (part of) the reason i stopped pursuing art as a career. the show’s run was the best time of my life and at the same time i was dealing with an overwhelming amount of trauma.

and i packed ALL of that into this silly 6.5/10 rated cartoon. why??? because it just happened to be THERE when I was going thru some shit?? sometimes i think “this could have been any cartoon, the timing is what mattered” and other times i’m like no…the adventures we had in mellowbrook were genuinely incredible and if it were any other fandom, i wouldn’t have met the same amazing people!!! do you know how thankful i am to have Kachiimi and Misha in my life still??? REALLY FUCKING THANKFUL. i don’t deserve them in the least!! they’ve known me at my worst and happened to also SEE me at my worst in person and they’re still my friends and i love them very much, i hope they know that.

and if anyone’s still following me that knew me during the KB years, or was friends with me during that time… 1.) i’m sorry. i was crazy LMAO and 2.) just know you made the whole experience so so awesome :) i appreciated so much that the fandom was a tight knit group of people, no drama, just a great place to be when my life was falling apart around me.

yea if i psychoanalyzed this whole thing i wouldn’t like the answer. but. it doesn’t change how much Kick means to me, and how much he’ll always mean to me!!

it had always been a bucket list thing of mine to be the number 1 fan of something at some point. ever since i was like nine years old i was like “man that’d be cool if it happened”. never in a million years would i have guessed that it would be this. but in a weird way Kick was exactly who i needed at that time. someone whose failures were just his fuel for success. someone who didn’t let his shortcomings stop him from achieving his goals. someone who kept going even if the world was against him. looking back it’s really no surprise that i got so attached.

obviously i’m far from the number 1 fan position now. who knows if i ever really was; i only knew a fraction of the fandom that called me the “queen of the KB fandom”, and Sandro had called me the number 1 fan at one point so i just took it all to heart. i would argue that Aisha took that position when school and jobs and life started consuming my life more than fandom did. or well, all of this is a moot point when you consider Jackie who is definitely 100% his number 1 fan LOL. but wow, what a time. we were so lucky to interact with the crew as much as we did.

it doesn’t seem like much but it really made me feel like i could do anything. if Kick had gotten a third season you KNOW i would’ve stopped at NOTHING to be on the team in some way shape or form. i would’ve flown out to LA in an instant and not looked back. despite everything. i would’ve done it.

kinda sucks considering uhhhh THINGS that got revealed about the director years later, so in the same vein i’m very happy that Kick did not get a season 3. but when the show ended something in me died, or i came to terms with something, idk what it was. something like: i knew i’d never feel the same way about a cartoon again so i didn’t bother trying. i stopped drawing almost entirely for 10 years.

aaaand it’s true. over a decade and i never came close to the level of obsession i had with Kick, and never really wanted to either. THEN i got slapped in the face with IZ and well…let that be a long and cheesy post for march 30th or something. :P and as much fun as it’s been and continues to be, it’s a DIFFERENT sort of experience from KB. it can’t compare. maybe in 10 years i’ll look back on IZ friends and fandom times and reminisce fondly on them too.

KB:SD is stuck where it was. if that makes any sense. there’s a lot in the show that i don’t think modern day fandom would take kindly to. there’s a lot of crack shipping and shenanigans we got up to back then that isn’t okay now. (god… okay i don’t miss that part LOL. i cringe painfully at a lot of it, but i DO miss when people understood the fucking difference between fiction and reality. it was a different time for sure.) it just is what it is.

and that’s okay. i’m gonna let it go, again, and i’ll be back on and off. it hurts. it hurts every time this happens but that’s okay because Kick taught us to live till it hurts. :) 🤘🏼✨

[crimeronan]

hi, i wonder if you have advice on something?

i wanna get into writing but i have a huge mental block on writing characters/getting into their heads. like it always seems like i'll just come up with a copy of myself, or to avoid this i could shoot for the character to be nothing like me, but then it's boring - i still want to explore stuff that's relevant to me, just in moderation.

another solution could be to come up with plot first, and then characters would naturally fit around it, but i'd also be too bored with just plot without characters to come up with it lol

i'll be real, i think it's perfectly fine to explore characters who are a lot like you. there are some authors who have "writing transparent self-inserts into Situations" down to a science. like, stephen king did it enough times in a row that now he's famous enough to just write famous author stephen king into his books. unbelievably funny.

in some ways, i think the best (and maybe only) way to get around this mental block is to just write through it. your hangup is pretty specific but also echoes the same thing i feel whenever i try anything creative other than writing, in If I Do Not Execute This Exactly How I Want To Immediately Then I'm A Failureeee

it's okay to not know how to create completely unique, original, compelling, & well-written characters right from the get-go. this is a skill that takes trial and error!

as for my own process, i do consciously add and subtract character traits that are a lot like me when making OCs. sol is a transparent self-insert who gets to do a lot more murder than me, devin is a transparent self-insert who's just as sick but imo a lot kinder than me, nova is a transparent self-insert who's exactly what i Could be if i funneled a pathological need for attention into Being Awful, ruby ISN'T very much like me but DOES have the traits i most admire in other people, i feel about her the same way i feel about the ganseys and luzes in media.

distilling all of this Looks effortless, and it does come naturally to me NOW -- but it's built on a bedrock of Decades of writing, and reading, and media analysis, and learning. i've spent a really really really long time obsessively psychoanalyzing myself, and an equally long time picking apart exactly what i love about my favorite stories. it's taken a lot of practice!

aside from sheer practice, my other best advice is to look at the fictional characters and real people that you don't relate to At All..... and figure out what THEIR traits are. i know i'm less inclined to care about or analyze characters that i don't see myself in. but it's helpful to me to then figure out WHY i don't see myself in them -- and why some other people DO. that gives me a much better sense of the things that differentiate me from various peers! and it gives me a much better sense of how to write characters i don't relate to on a personal level, like ruby.

and even ruby shares some character traits with me. like the big big big feelings about language and diaspora and helping marginalized people. she just also deals with these feelings in ways that are different from me, and her flaws and fears and emotional bedrock are different from my own.

i think it's totally fine to write what you know, and it's totally fine if your stories are based around your own personal experience, and it's totally fine if you look to yourself for your initial OC inspiration. ESPECIALLY when you're just starting out. over time, you sort of naturally start to figure out what stories you like telling and how to build different characters. it's something that's Very Difficult to do if you're only studying without any practice.

you do not need to get everything perfect on the first try!