#I know posts like that always freak me out so bad so hopefully this helps people feel safe!!

[ilovetoxicfictionalmen]

ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR - PART 2

Pairing - Jonathan Crane x fem!reader

Summary - When you were attacked in your own home, you confined yourself with Jonathan to help you heal. Until you learn a sickening truth that changes everything.

Warnings - extreme NON-CON, dub con, rough sex, drugging, physical abuse, dead dove do not eat, manipulation, controlling, just really bad.

Word count - 7.8k +

Notes - Andddddddddd here it is. Posting it before I regret my decision. I've never written something so mentally dark so I don't know how I feel. So please listen to the warnings! And unfortunately I wrote too much so there will be a third and hopefully last part...

When you woke up in the morning, your skull felt like a nail and your throbbing migraine was the massive hammer banging against it. But it was nothing compared to the weight of regret and dubiety on your chest. Despite your intoxicated state, you could remember the details all too perfectly, the two of you, together. As your eyes fluttered open, you hesitantly looked beside you to find the bed empty. A slight sensation of relief ran through you as you regained full consciousness. 

It was just past nine in the morning and you were desperately hoping that Jonathan had work. But even though the silence was loud, the anxious pit in your stomach was telling you otherwise. Jonathan would be lurking around somewhere, waiting for your arrival. After what felt like an eternity of beating yourself up inside your head, regretting the night, regretting how much you seemed to enjoy yourself, you realized that you had to face him. You looked down to your body under the sheets and saw that you were in his shirt and your underwear. Dried fluids painted over the skin of your thighs. 

Crawling out of the bed, you looked around for your clothes but couldn’t find them anywhere. They were probably in the wash, he was such a clean freak. Your fingers were like brushes as you combed through your hair. Daring to look at yourself in the mirror, you couldn’t help but to feel like a cheap whore. Quickly, you looked away from your frame and blinked hard. Tiptoeing to the door and down the hallway, you could hear the frypan sizzle and smell the fresh eggs and bacon cooking. Perhaps you could creep out the door before he could even notice your woke.

You didn’t want to see him. Your mind was a thunderstorm in the making. Everything felt so confusing, you couldn’t get a grasp on your thoughts, you needed time to think. It was frightening, seeing how infatuated he truly was by you. But at the same time, you felt wanted, you secured. You felt the power running through your blood. How easily you could make him bend for you. No, that’s what you wanted to believe. 

You brought out the best in Jonathan. His generosity, kindness, preserveness. But you also brought out the worst in him, his jealousy, possessiveness, demands, ownership. That was all confirmed last night. No matter how he projected it to look, they were the elements in his hands.   

Jonathan’s head turned back at the creak underneath your foot. He was already fully dressed. Jonathan always dressed so proper, his trousers snatched his waist and sleeves of his white button up were rolled to his elbows. A wide smile instantly grew on his lips as he approached you without hesitation. It was like the sight of an innocent child, the look on his face as he was closing into the distance. “Oh, you’re awake darling” Jonathan greeted, wrapping his arms around you before you could even comprehend his behavior. 

Jonathan’s state of happiness couldn’t notice your stiffness underneath him. Breathing in your scent, he pressed his lips by your earlobe. “Forgive me, you know that my brilliance does not major in culinary, but I thought I’d just whip something up for you. To help with the hangover” Jonathan continued with a chuckle, a great look of contentment as his hand stroked your hair. 

It’s bewildering with how it already felt like your heart was stuck in your throat. “Johnny” you whispered very faintly, his nose now pressed against your hair as he continually breathed in your scent deeply. This was pure torture, would someone put an end to your misery? 

“Did you want coffee? Juice? Water would be a safe option” he murmured, guiding you deep into the kitchen so he could lower the heat on the stovetop. 

“Johnny” You repeated more forcefully but still nothing. He was so caught up in his thoughts that for once he didn’t even bother to read your body language. Jonathan opened up the fridge and pulled out a bottle of orange juice. “Jonathan!” You shouted, your nostrils flaring from frustration as your arms trembled. 

Jonathan froze momentarily, back stiff and jaw clenched, as if he had already seen what was going to occur. He put the juice back into the fridge and shut the door before turning back to you with a stern expression as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

“Yes darling?” Jonathan cocked an eyebrow to you as his eyes stared you up and down, examining your expression and body language. “Oh, yes, a great hangover indeed. Migraine? I’m sure I would be able to find something to help with that” he attempted to switch the conversation, flashing a smug smirk. 

A beat. 

“I’m sorry” you whimpered, looking down in guilt. 

“I don’t follow” Jonathan spoke emotionlessly. His expression was firm, quickly refusing to show you any more vulnerability. His jawline was as sharp as a sword as he leant back against the counter.

Another beat.

“What we did was wrong” you shuddered, you could already feel your eyes swell up, pins poking at your orbs. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t make eye contact with him, too afraid of seeing his demeaning glare. 

“What are you going on about, sweetheart?” Jonathan frowned, crossing his arms across his chest as he stepped towards you, leaving the sizzling pan unattended. “What’s wrong?” He asked innocently, but Jonathan Crane was never known to be naive. 

“Last night was a mistake, we both drank too much and acted thoughtlessly” you explained through a few chortled sounds, shaking your head at the memory of you two in bed together. 

Jonathan laughed obnoxiously and shook his head at the idea of that. “No, you’re wrong” he objected sternly, taking another step towards you. Backing you up to the other direction of the counter, he firmly placed both hands on either side of the bench, trapping you in. “I enjoyed myself. You enjoyed yourself, twice. There was nothing wrong with two people finally finding each other, sweetheart. You don’t need to feel guilty about anything” Jonathan argued calmly as the back of his hand stroked your cheek, but his eyes looked like they wanted to strangle you. All you could do was stand there in silence, the edge digging into your lower back, unable to form a proper counter-argument, your mouth ajar open. 

Jonathan waited patiently for you to make up a response as he hummed to calm you. You found your chest feeling more at ease as the airflow went at a better pace. See, you can see it right? How he’s calming your emotions, sending signals to your brain that everything is going to be okay. But this isn’t what you want, it isn’t what you need right now. 

“I think it’s best if I leave… I need to think over things” you finally replied, your expression slightly cringing at your honest words. 

The way his eyes went soft felt like a stab to the gut, his hand slowly brushed down your forearm as he stared at you. “You can think over them here with me darling” Jonathan whispered his plea, his fingers sending tingles up your skin. The silence was loud as you kept your head low. It was hurting him, you were hurting him. The words that next left his lips were the ones you were dreading the most. “Do you regret making love to me?” Jonathan asked flatly. 

“I don’t know” you answered, whimpering at this conversation. 

“It’s a yes or no answer” Jonathan swiftly responded blankly, clicking his tongue as his strokes became firmer, his nail lightly scratching your skin. 

“Jonathan please, I was drunk, I was upset, I was lonely. I wasn’t thinking straight!” You cried out your  argument, but it was falling on deaf eyes as Jonathan blinked. 

But you wanted him. You know you did, despite how much you were regretting it. His touch was like electricity, it sent your nerves on ecstatic fire and it terrified you. Yet, you don’t want him completely. 

“Did I not make you feel good? Forgive me but I got a different impression from you last night” Jonathan grunted, his hands now caressing up and down your bare thighs. It made your knees feel weak and you had to bite back your moan. 

It felt good, he felt good. Why were you denying the two of you from this? It was wrong, this isn’t what your relationship was meant to turn into. He was never meant to catch you, you were always meant to be one step ahead. Your mind was hurricane right now. There was no idea that you could catch, hold onto. 

As you blinked, you realized he was still talking. “But you already knew that I love you” Jonathan continued on, his fingers slipping underneath the band of your underwear, massaging your hips. 

“Jonathan…” You warned, or begged? You couldn’t tell what was going on anymore. Your mind wanted to run away yet your body wanted to embrace him.  A slow sigh escaped your lips. 

“No, you know that I love you, you know that I’ve always loved you. Tell me I’m wrong” Jonathan demanded calmly, pressing himself up against you, his nose brushing against your cheek. A shudder echoed through your chest as your hands rested against his chest. 

The bacon and eggs were burning, the smoke rapidly building over the stovetop but Jonathan was oblivious to it, or ignoring it. A moan choked out of your throat as he abruptly pressed his thumb against your clit. Your knees buckled and you held onto his shoulders for support. You want this, stop denying it. 

“Jonathan, I’m really confused right now. I want to go home” you squeaked. Blinking hard, you wanted to wake up from this nightmare but the pleasure his thumb brought to you by merely rotating over your sensitive bud was too strong to fight. 

“No, we will sort this out right now” Jonathan snapped back, his patience running thin as he gritted his teeth together, his fingers brushing over your wet folds. 

“Jonathan I need-” he cut you off but gripping onto your chin. 

“You need to listen to me, please” Jonathan hissed, his eyes sharp and nostrils flaring as he slipped a finger inside of your core. “Your thoughts are disordered, I understand how big of a change this is for our relationship but you don’t need to get scared so easily!” Jonathan argued, his breath heavy on your skin as his digit pumped in and out of your canal. 

Moaning out lightly, your head fell onto his shoulder as you felt your nerves spark against each other. It was spine chilling, the satisfaction he seemed to manipulate over your body. Even though this side of Jonathan perturbed you, you couldn’t help but to feel a rush of adrenaline from it. With him being the puppeteer, his strings tangled around your limbs. 

No. 

Snapping back to your proper thoughts, a wave of anger rushed over you. You shoved him away from you, quickly rushing over to take the pan off the flame and flicking the heat off. The smoke stung against your eyes as you stepped away from Jonathan, but he strided back over to you. 

“I don’t want to be here” you admitted, wrapping your arms across your chest, a single tear slipping down your heated cheek. 

“Please just listen to me!” Jonathan roared, smacking his palm on the counter beside you. 

Naturally you flinched at the action as Jonathan tried to keep his composure. Never have you seen Jonathan look so unhinged, his stability with his emotions have flown out the window as he was panting from anger. The gnashing of teeth frightened you as his nostrils were flaring like a bull. 

The egotistical Jonathan Crane was meeting his match, the rejection of you. He was able to handle it once, but not this time. Not after he had done everything for you, to have you. 

“You’re not thinking of Anthony are you? He left you, remember! And who was the person you came running to? Who’s here now?” Jonathan snarled the questions, his tone dripping of irritation as he lent closer to you, daring you to make the next move. “Tell me darling, who did you call?” He begged sarcastically. 

“Stop it. You’re being mean” you whimpered lightly, gulping to yourself when you saw his left eye twitch. 

“Oh, I’m being mean now? I’m merely being honest” he chuckled, but you failed to find humor in it. “It’s time to be real sweetheart, I am the man that knows you fully. I am the only one that is able to take care of you. I’m the one that would do anything for you, has done everything for you! No one else has gone to the lengths I have, you have to understand that!” Jonathan bellowed, his chest rising and falling as all of his muscles were tensing, his arms waving around in match to his emotions. 

His ocean blue eyes turned into a tsunami with the rage of his feelings at peak. A trembling lower lip as a result of his frustrations. The usual pale skin was replaced with a shade of red from his blood boiling.  

“What are you going on about!” You cried back, your shoulders turning inwards. 

The fear in your eyes conflicted with Jonathan's thoughts. It was fuel to his rage of fire, it turned him on, but it also made his body feel weak. Merely wanting to whisper soft words into your ear, promise you that everything is going to be okay, apologize deeply for scaring you. But his unleashed fury clouded his judgments, purely focused on groundless actions. 

“What don’t I have that you need!” Jonathan yelled, his face red beat from his lack of control over himself and the situation. 

He was confusing you, he was doing it on purpose to gaslight you, he had to have been. The idea to leave you defenseless and at his whim, because only he would be able to make you feel better. This is how it always happened, Jonathan was always the one that made you feel at ease. There had to be no other possibility besides a ploy to make you beg for him.  

“Johnny…” You begged, your lips trembling as you lightly pressed your hand against his forearm. 

Slowly, he looked down to your touch, feeling it all too intensely. Jonathan huffed and closed the distance, his hands gripped onto the sides of your face as he leant in to kiss you. You mumbled against his mouth, lips glued shut as his tongue tried to push through. He smacked you rear surprisingly, your mouth naturally opening in shock. Your hands pushed against his chest but he wouldn’t budge, his tongue deep down your throat. Caressing your back with his smooth hands, you felt your body weaken underneath him, a blocked moan vibrating against his mouth. 

It felt good, too good. Naturally, your tongue danced with his. Your body turning into jelly simultaneously to your mind dissolving into mush. Both of your sensations were heightened, as you could feel the wet patch in your underwear and his heat press firmly against your waist.

Stop it!

With a sudden forceful shove, you successfully pushed him away from you. Following up with a slap that echoed throughout the house. When Jonathan tried to lean towards you again, you repeated your assault until he backed off. 

“I don’t fucking love you so just get over me!” You screamed at the top of your lungs. “You’re such a fucking creep!” you continued your rage, your vision blurry, body shaking like a tree in the wind. 

A very long beat. With Jonathan standing still, his hand pressed against his stinging cheek. 

By the look in his eyes, you were dead meat. It was as if he was debating on the perfect way to kill you, painfully, slowly. But it also looked like betrayal, as if he couldn’t believe your actions. 

Within a blink of the eye, your face is caught in between his hands. It’s hard to tell if he wanted to snap your neck or kiss you passionately, roughly again. There was a moment of him purely huffing and puffing as his grip on your jaw remained like an iron grip. Your hands wrapped around his. 

“I-I’m sorry” you whimpered, a sudden wave of realization crashing over you. You’ve never hit him, you’ve never hit anyone before. What was wrong with you? Jonathan sighed, closing his eyes to hide his glistering sea orbs. 

It was the perfect example of heartbreak. The emotional distress was as visible as daylight over his face. Your unreciprocated love has broken him down. 

“If you don’t wish to be worshiped, that’s on you. I will love you no more” Jonathan concluded, finally letting go of you and stepping back. “I wish you all the best, darling” he farewelled before turning his heel and leaving you all alone. 

“Jonathan, wait!” You called out, your arms wrapped around your chest as he disappeared down the hallway. “Johnny!” You continued, but he didn’t come back. 

You wanted to follow after him, apologize, beg for forgiveness. Yet you were stuck on your feet. Quietly sobbing to yourself, you shamefully picked up your bag from the coffee table and wandered towards the front door. 

Was this the right decision? Regardless, his actions were inexcusable, weren’t they? You never wanted to be with him. But you knew that he loved you. You’ve shamelessly led him on for years, keep him by your side for your own selfish reasons. He was your shoulder to lean on. It was like a timebomb, ticking down until this moment happened, your fuck up. You’ve ruined it with him. Your words felt like a massive lie. You didn’t love him, right? It felt like you didn’t know anything anymore. 

Sitting in your car, you considered going back in, dropping onto your knees to say how sorry you were. But you found yourself driving far away from him. Driving aimlessly for a while, until you eventually returned home, locking yourself in with nothing but your own thoughts on what has occurred in such a short period of time. 

Weeks went by with no contact with Jonathan. Everytime you called, it rang out to voicemail. Every message you sent him, remained unanswered. He was sticking to his word, he would love you no more, and it was breaking your heart.  

-

The sensation of his hot lips on your skin felt fictitious. It should have been painful, the way your nails were digging into the flesh of his back, but there was this euphoric yet menacing smile on his lips as he thrusted completely inside of you. It sounded like a melody, you moaning his name in ecstasy repetitively. He would return the melody with grumbles and groans as you felt his cock twitch deep within you. 

“Oh Jonathan!” you cried out, holding onto him for dear life, nails digging into his skin like you were going to fall to your death. Swiftly, he pinned your hands onto the bed, pounding into your canal as if all human life depended on it. Panting your name back to you, the pair of you molded as one as you reached your climaxes. 

“I love you baby” he cried out, his hands locking yours to the bed as if you were going to slip away from his grasp, his sight. 

“I love you more” you returned the confession, smiling widely through the pleasure and ecstasy that his presence gave you. Jonathan’s mouth was wide open in elation, it looked as if he could eat you whole. 

Your eyes snapped open, your upper body shooting up into a sitting position on your mattress just as quick. It took a long time to get your panting under control in the cold darkness. There was this grumble in your throat, as your hand slipped down your heated, sweaty skin. The feeling of the slippery, moist fluid wetted your fingertips underneath your clothing made you moan. 

As you fell back onto the bed, you stared at the ceiling, replaying your dream like you were in a cinema. It felt so real, it felt so out of this world. You took in a deep breath, your dry hand feeling your jaw, traveling down your chest as you tried to scrutinize your dream. 

Saying that you missed Jonathan was an understatement. Expressing how sorry you were and guilty you felt just didn’t have enough words in the english vocabulary. You wanted him, but in what way? Confusement clouded your judgment, mind and emotions. Maybe you were wrong, about him being the wrong man for you, you really didn't know. All you knew was that his anger was justified and his look of heartbreak managed to have a large ripple effect onto your own heart, perhaps even larger than his. 

There was nothing more that you wanted to do besides hold him. Possibly you were just lonely, knowing that your safe bet was gone now made you feel unloved. But you deserved to be exactly that, alone, forsaken, outcasted by the one that would do anything for you. You never thought about Anthony anymore, it was like he never even existed. Jonathan was the one that was always on your mind, and it made you feel nervous. 

Did you love him? Though you knew his love for you wasn’t in perfect good health. But it was flourishing, passionate, blooming and warm. Maybe you were incorrect, read it all from the wrong point of you. Or you were just up yourself, eager for the heart of a heartless man. 

But those words he said to you. Those controlling, obsessive, possessive words he growled, like a beast. Yet, at the end of the day, Jonathan Crane was just a boy, hopelessly wanting the returned affection of you. You’ve helped fix people before, what difference would he be? 

You were the one that was quick to jump, to slam that door without seeing it through. You reacted without thinking. You chose this. There was no sympathy for you, it was the consequences of your own actions. 

If you could build up the courage, in the morning you’d call him again, and if he didn’t answer you’d go to him for the first time. To apologize, to beg for forgiveness, to confess that you loved him, in the odd yet truthful way. Then you’d pray that he would forgive you, take you back, have you completely.  

You slipped out of your bed, and wandered down the dark hallway to your kitchen, flicking on the light as you yawned. Looking out the floor length windows, you saw the wind dance rapidly through the tree leafs, the vibrations echoing over the glass. 

12:37 the clock read. 

On your tippy toes, you reached into the cupboard for a glass, it clinked as you placed it on the bench. Opening the fridge you grabbed onto the glass water jug when you heard a faint footstep behind you. The next event all happened too quickly, your body reacted before your mind could deconstruct what was occurring. 

The glass shattered across the tiled floor as you gasped out. Fight or flight kicked in. You dodged the hands, shoving the masked man away from you in a desperate plea to bolt for freedom. His body crashed into the counter, echoing a large groan from him. Scattering on your bare feet, your foot slipped on the slippery tiles as you cried out at the pain on your knee smacking on the tile. Then you were suddenly pulled back up by his arm around your waist, your arms flung over the counter top, wiping out everything on display as you tried to grab onto anything to pull away from him.  

Before you could scan your next possibility to safety, you gasped heavily, inhaling the drug he jetted at your mouth. You wheezed, your body immediately freezing like stone into place, your heart pounding against your ribcage like a dog begging to be released out of its kennel, your skin crawling from the inside as if it’s suffocating. All you wanted to do was cry out, but you were even too fearful to do that. 

The masked man stood in front of you as he straightened his posture, patting down his black crew neck shirt, your vision was dark and blurred as you looked down to the ground. His hand tapped your cheek harshly a couple of times and you slowly looked up to him in terror. 

The scream that ran up your throat was piercing. It echoed through the walls, cut at your throat like razor blades. You wanted to run for your life, but your feet were glued to the floor in horror. You saw a demon and his hideous face with eyes as dark as coal. 

The man pressed his body up against yours, pushing your back into the counter, you cried out in pain and fear before his hand roughly slapped over your mouth. His groans sound demonic, as his paws run up and down your skin, his claws looped into the fabrics of your clothes and ripped them. Muffling your cries, you trembled underneath him. 

Flipping your body around, he pushed your chest into the cold benchtop, your hands shot above your head and latched onto the opposing edge of the bench. His fingers ran up your covered region, quickly following through by yanking down your shorts and underwear together. Your sticky folds are fondled by his cold fingers. 

“You cannot possibly be this wet” His diabolic voice spoke. It was uncertain if he had a voice modifier underneath his mask or if it was effects of the drugs you had ingested, potentially both. “Am I fulfilling a fantasy of yours, little one?” He condescended, rubbing your right cheek slowly. 

You wanted to snap back, hiss at him for getting the wrong interpretation. It felt so humiliating to have your attacker believe that he made you this wet. But all you could do was lay there in fear, unable to comprehend for the hell he was going to unleash on you. 

“Oh, little one” he sighed, unbuckling his belt. It was torture, how he was taking his time, purely admiring you, enjoying this moment as you sobbed silently. His covered erection pressed against your gushing entrance and you mewled as he slowly humped against you. Then he slid down his covers, the tip of his member kissed against your core and you weep out loud. 

“Hey…” He grunted, his fingernails digging into your bare ass. “Don’t be afraid, I’m going to take care of you, okay?” He vowed, if his voice didn’t sound so sinister, you’d notice that he was concerned for your wellbeing. Yet it seemed that you had different ideologies on what taking care meant. After a few moments of him watching you sob, he began to push himself inside of your canal. His growl echoed down your eardrums as you gasped at the sensation. “That’s it, that’s a good little whore, taking me fully” he spoke slowly, burying himself deep inside of you. 

It was traumatizing, the way that your cunt was naturally squeezing around him, the arousal that vibrated over your skin, how there was this pit of pleasure building up in your core. There was no control from you, no matter how badly you wanted to keep your mouth shut, you were echoing your moans throughout the room. 

He moaned out in return as he began to pick up his speed. “Oh yes, I’m positive I am fulfilling a fantasy of yours… Am I doing a good job?” He toyed, slapping your ass with one hand and holding your hip in place with the other. 

Taking care of you was a lie, he was hurting you. The sensation of your skin felt like it was on fire, his cock felt like a dagger. So how were you so aroused right now? It was the drug. It had to be the drug, This was not a guilty fantasy of yours and this certainly wasn’t fulfilling your enjoyment. Yet, you were enjoying it technically, the physical response to erotic stimulus. That’s all it was, reflexes. The intoxication has messed with your cognitive response, your mind was currently relying on your physical reactions. 

The first wave felt like a tsunami over your body, it ached with how strong your orgasm was. Your nerves jabbing viciously at you. Crying out, the man grunted, refusing to slow down his pace as you shamefully rode out your high on him. Smugly, he praised you for being such a good obedient whore. Shortly after that, the second wave came crashing down on your body. Making him smirk underneath the mask. 

“I wish I could know what was going on in that little mind of yours, would you please tell me?” He coyed, pounding in you like a rabbit. How did he sound so content? You were hardly able to breathe the way his balls were slapping against your clit. 

“N-no” you whimpered out, shutting your eyes tight. 

“Oh come on! Tell me how it feels, or I’ll give you a reason not to fucking talk” He growled, hitting your cervix, over and over again. 

“Uhhh! How-how” you stuttered out your cries. 

“Talk little one, spit out those lovely words” He ordered, grunting at the sensation of your canal. 

“How good you feel inside of me” you sobbed. The embarrassment and humiliation felt like a tidal wave over your emotions. His hand rubbed against your flushed rear skin to praise you. 

“Really? Want me to come back again tomorrow night? Or you want me to just stay the night? Maybe you want me to steal you away” he toyed, still thrusting in and out of you at a brutal pace. 

“No! No! No!” you begged, shaking your head at the idea. 

Jonathan. He came to your mind, you wanted him to save you, to protect you. Just like how you knew he always would. Oh how you wanted him to come for you!

“Jo-Johnny” you mewled, eyes stinging in pain as you silently begged for Jonathan to come for you. 

The man paused for a moment, deep inside of you. You gasped out in relief. “What was that little one?” He asked softly, holding your hips in place as you clenched around him. 

“Johnny” you repeat yourself, sobbing at the thought of him. 

Sobbing at the thought of how you hurt him, of how he wanted nothing to do with you anymore. From how you broke his heart, ruined everything between you two. 

“Johnny, huh?” He snorted as he started to pick up his speed again. 

 “Jonathan!” You cried, but he wasn’t going to save you, no matter how hard you wanted to believe otherwise. 

“Who’s Jonathan baby? Your little boyfriend?” He laughed, his nails lightly scratching up and down your outer thigh. By the way your cunt was pulsing against him, he knew you were close again. “Does Jonathan make you feel this good?” He mocked, forcefully flexing his hips to make you choke out. Your whimper sounded like a mix between yes and no. “Speak clearly!” He ordered. 

“Yes!” You answered, your body trembling against the freezing countertop. 

“Maybe we could share you then” He grinned underneath the mask. 

“No!” You begged. 

“Alright, then cry out for him. Cry out for Jonathan to save you!” He commanded, hitting your bundle of nerves over and over again. His balls were slapping against your clit as your moans and cries were garbled together. 

“Jonathan!” you whined, holding onto the counter for dear life as your climax rushed over you. 

It was pure horror, how good your orgasm felt, it was like you were flying. But at the same time it felt like your body was chained to the ground. Your sensitive skin felt like it was being poked at with a million pins as your orgasm flooded out from your core. You wanted it to continue on, but it came to a sudden stop. 

It left your mind in a blur. He pulled out of you, his seed shot all over your heated skin between your thighs. The growl rumbled out of his chest as he roughly kneaded your hip with his free hand, his other hand stroking up and down his length viciously. The both of you remained still for a moment, then he rubbed his hand all over your thighs, coating your flesh with your mixed fluids. Pulling up your bottoms, he leant over you and caressed your cheek from behind with his wet hand, his crotch pressing back against your ass as he inhaled you.

Your fragile body shook underneath him. Silently begging for him to end you of this misery. His words were muffled as his hands trailed all over your body. 

The last thing he said to you sent shivers down your spine. “I’ll see you soon, little one” It felt like he vanished into thin air, his friction against you disappeared, you heard no footsteps nor the door open or close. It was as if he was never there. 

-

Life felt like a trance, as if it was back to normal. Well, whatever normal could be considered anymore. Being an expert in the field of psychology, you never thought you’d be deeply stabbed in the back by the knives of trauma. It was common for psychiatrists to have their own personal issues, to have a line of support. But you couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed, because you knew exactly why these things occurred, yet you couldn’t get rid of the pitch black thoughts and emotions that blinded your vision. The ones that blinded your happiness and confidence. 

It was easier to heal and move on from it, you knew that holding onto it would only do you more harm. There was nothing that could fix it besides yourself, well, and Johnny. That mind of his was truly something else. Jonathan’s alleviation of providing enough treatment for you to mend your trauma worked at ease. It was like he was your lucky charm.

He talked you through it, his voice sounding like a harmony which consoled that nothing was ever your fault. The mediation he gave you helped with your anxiety and panic all too easily. Whenever you were overwhelmed or upset, he held you tightly and reassured you that you would never go through that ever again. 

Gotham City Police Department was as useless as a glass hammer. Not to mention that if someone leaked your name to the public, it would highly likely humiliate your career. So it went unsaid in how the authorities would not be contacted over the incident. Not to mention the process would be so draining, all for another cold case in Gotham City. 

It was easier just to forget it, you had to keep on telling yourself that. Be the strong independent woman you have always strived to be. Countless victims have the same story, you need to stop having so much pity for yourself when you’ve had Jonathan by your side through it all. 

You don’t know how he got in without it triggering. The alarm should have gone off. Maybe one day you could move away from Gotham City, to somewhere free of crime. But like Jonathan would ever agree to you leaving him like that, especially for what he has done for you. You owed him your life, that was a distressing thought of yours whenever it flew over your mind. 

You took personal leave from work for a few weeks, residing at Jonathan’s home where he also tended to work from home a lot more frequently. Doctor Jonathan Crane was a workaholic, but in order to keep your anxiety at bay and yourself comfortable, Jonathan flipped his whole schedule around to suit your needs. A lot of the time you’d be lying on his couch in his home office as he typed away rapidly on his computer. His gaze would frequently lay on you, as you struggled to keep your eyes open, your mind often wandering elsewhere. 

Slowly, you exposed yourself into public settings. At first, you felt like all eyes were on you, your heart was like a drum. Anxiety made you feel like you had cement in your shoes. But Jonathan was right there, by your side for you to hold onto. To support you, to remind you that everything was going to be okay. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. 

Life with Jonathan felt dreamy. It seemed unrealistic, for you to heal as quickly as you have. There have been cases where people took years to heal, cases where they never healed. But here you were, sipping on your tea as you lounged carelessly on the couch. You blinked in a dazy state, as you looked at the clock. Jonathan would be arriving home any minute. 

Jonathan declared it would be better if you fully move in with him, you contentedly agreed. He’d empty out his office, turn it into a bedroom for you if you ever insisted. Your home would be a major trigger, and living by yourself would be dangerous to the sake of your mentality. But you were still happy with sleeping in the same bed as Jonathan, just as he was. 

It grew to be the favorite part of your day. Crawling into bed, right straight into his arms. Like a dog running to his master. Sometimes he would read to you. Sometimes he would tell you of potential plans for your future together, little one’s though, like going to see the current ballet production. Sometimes he would just hum a melody until you drifted off into a peaceful sleep. 

Yes, you had fallen hopelessly over for Jonathan. There was nothing holding you back anymore, he has shown you time and time again that he would do anything for you. He has done everything for you. It was time to stop being inconsiderate, he showed you how much he adored you and it was time for you to show it back. 

Jonathan smiled lightly at you as he walked into the lounge room, he dropped his briefcase beside the couch and fell onto the spot next to you. “Hi” you smiled softly, blinking slowly as you repositioned your body on the soft fabric. 

“Hi darling” Jonathan smiled back at you. “Good tea?” He asked, his eyes looking down at the mug and then back up at you. Your head nodded softly as you lifted the mug to your lips. 

“I can make you a cup if you want” you offered, looking over to the kettle in the kitchen. 

He took off his glasses and put them on the coffee table. A part of you wished he got contacts instead, he always looked so much more charming without them on. 

“I’m okay, I still need to look over a few reports. I faxed them to myself so I could do it here instead. I know I told you we’d do something tonight but I’m sorry sweetheart. I’m so behind in my work, I’ll have to make it up to you another night” Jonathan apologized, leaning forward and capturing his head in his hands as he propped his elbows on his thighs. 

Mentally chuckling to yourself, you put the mug down on the coffee table. Leaning over to Jonathan, your arm wrapped around his back as you rested your head on his shoulder. It felt perfect, being with him. It always felt perfect holding onto him. How were you so stupid? To not realize that Jonathan was indeed the perfect match for you? 

He looked so tired, so worn out from the overloading factors in his life. 

“Your body feels so tense Johnny” you pointed out. He hummed, slightly looking over to you. Your hands began to knead into his back and he let out a soft moan. It went on like that for a short time, slowly increasing your kneads. When you said his name almost like you were singing, he straightened his back and completely turned to you. 

Time froze, but yet it all occurred in a snap. 

“I love you” you admitted, a shy smile on your lips. The purest look on your face, there was no deception. This was all real yet it felt like a hallucination.  

It felt right, felt like you were holding it in for so long that you’ve even forgotten about the cage that the truth was locked in. But you stumbled across the lost key and set it free. It soared through the blue sky, nothing could ever latch onto it again.  

“I love you too” Jonathan answered back, turning his lower body so his arms could easily wrap around your back. 

“No… I love you” you repeat yourself, looking him sternly in the eye as you leant closer to him, but not too close. Jonathan chuckled lightly and leant closer to you, your lips inches apart. 

“I know” he replied quietly. 

He waited for you to give him the green light. Sighing softly, you lightly pressed your lips against his, closing his eyes, returning to this dream of yours. 

-

You stirred in your sleep. Whimpering and gasping at the vision of your attacker. The sight of that barbarian. Your eyes shot open as you gasped for air. It felt like you were in space, your head was going to expand twice its size. This still happens sometimes, the nightmares Jonathan and yourself could only control so much. Desperately looking around for Jonathan, you quickly realized the room was empty. “Johnny!” You called out, holding the sheets close to you, the wind howling against the shaking windows. Your body was trembling, eyes stinging in pain. The door was wide open, the hallway light illuminating the entrance as you heard heavy footsteps quickly approaching, you were afraid of who was going to appear. 

Jonathan came into sight in the open door frame only in his pajama pants, Leaning against the wooden frame with a cup of black coffee in his hand. You could still see the steam lingering above the ceramic. But Jonathan scanned your figure immediately and strided towards you. 

“Sorry darling, I couldn’t sleep with all of the wind outside so I just thought I’d do some work” Jonathan explained, approaching you. “Another nightmare?” Jonathan inquired. His question was answered with a small nod. Placing the mug on the bedside table, Jonathan sat next to you, you fell into his arms at the drop of a hat. Gently urging you to tell him off your dream, you took a deep breath. 

“It was just the same dream” you whimpered your answer.  

“You’re safe darling. He won’t get you” He promised, his hand gently resting above yours. 

You knew his words to be true. But it was still so terrifying. 

“Why do I still dream of him?” you whined faintly. 

It was a silly question to ask. But you couldn’t help but to feel so frustrated and stressed when these moments still happened. It made you feel like all of your progress was crashing down onto you. 

“It could be a number of reactions. Your mind is still distressed by it, there’s nothing to be ashamed of from it. PTSD can cause an exaggerated fear response in your dreams. Which makes them feel real, which gets your heart racing and nerves on edge” Jonathan explained, gently petting your hair. “Remember, these moments can still occur, it’s just how you deal with them afterwards that matters. Don’t let these negative thoughts win sweetheart. Do not fret, I am here to take care of you” Jonathan assured, a gentle smile on his lips. 

“Can you stay with me?” You asked softly, staring at him with doe eyes. 

“Of course darling” Jonathan consoled as he laid comfortably into the bed with you. 

His arms pulled you up to his chest, you breathed in his scent, he always smelt like a rich scent of musk and it relaxed you. Jonathan hummed to you, to keep your mind distracted from getting into its thoughts again. Surprisingly, Jonathan drifted off into a deep sleep before you. He rarely fell asleep first, and was always the first one awake. 

Even though you felt safe, secure, protected in his arms. It was difficult not to think back into that night. The fright your attacker gave you when he grabbed you. How quick you ingested the drug. As the toxin rapidly took over, you found yourself frozen in fear. Your body was in shock, trembling excessively, your mind was in a horrific state yet you could hardly murmur out your pleas. How he forced his large size inside of you, making you grumble out as loud as you physically could. 

It all made you feel sick to your stomach. The humiliation of orgasming around his size disgusted you. It was the last thing you wanted to do, but you just couldn’t control yourself. You tried to remind yourself about it being a natural response, but how could your body be so turned on in that horrifying situation? The pet name he called you, little one. The way he moaned, a rough fabric covering his face brushing over your flustered skin, praising you for how good you felt through his demonic voice. His hands were awfully smooth, they fondled your skin to make up with how hard he was thrusting inside of you. It felt like an eternity, all you could do was lay there on the cold counter top and pray for him to finish sooner rather than later, yet disgracefully you wanted him to keep on going. You couldn’t tell anyone that. No, you couldn’t wish for that. Don’t let these tricks bring you down again. 

When he did finish, you don’t know how long he stayed there against you, holding onto your body as if he caressed you like you were a lover. It felt like it was everlasting, but also felt like he was never there. When you knew you were alone, you fell to the floor immediately as hyperventilation took control of yourself. You curled up into a ball, too afraid to move, afraid he was going to come back. You sat there for what felt like hours, however it was much shorter than that. 

Jonathan was the only person on your mind. Your hero, your protector, oh how you wanted him to save you! To take you away from this life. Free your mind from this nightmare. Your life depended on him, that much you knew. He was the only one that would ever be able to fix you, to mend you, to cure you from this torment. 

Oh how you wanted to kill this savage, how you wanted Jonathan to kill him for you.  But one thing was for sure. The man wearing a burlap sack with a noose around his neck has scarred you for life.

Taglist:

@red-riding-wood @slut4thebroken @cocacolaovalchair @betty21rose

[hard-core-super-star]

Random thought popped into my head but it's about vampire Kate x reader. What if reader was a witch of some sort who got her heart broken because Kate is an fboy and became terrified and left when she realized how much she loved the reader but came crawling back a year later because she needed reader's witchy help and they ended up casually flirting because they clearly still have feelings for each other and stuff

ain't that the kicker [K.Bishop]

pairing: vampire!kate x reader

summary: the morning after your late-night encounter with kate doesn't go quite as planned...and neither does the day after that or the day after that. [aka you and kate have way more issues than you thought]

warnings: none, i think?; did somebody order angst?; so much tension, you need more than one knife; i rob you of a longer wanda scene; cliffhanger ending because this got too long; weird vampire powers that are badly explained; very long dream sequences; a surprising lack of actual vampire stuff [i badly need to rewatch first kill]; idiots in love but emphasis on the idiots!

wodcount: 3.2k

a/n: hey everyone, my motivation was pretty dead for a while but, unsurprisingly, vampire kate brought it back! and before you all freak out, YES! THERE WILL BE ANOTHER PART! and maybe it'll be less sad and more spicy, who knows? anyway, thank you so much for sticking with me and my constant disappearing act. my second year at university is wrapping up so hopefully you’ll see more of me this summer ;) that's all i have to say, hope you enjoy <3

part one | part three | part four

* * * * * * *

Saying going home with Kate Bishop had been a bad idea would be a massive understatement.

You knew being alone with the heir of Bishop Security would come with problems but the problems all seemed relatively small compared to the continuous waves of pleasure you had been under all night.

To be fair, though, you never expected a grainy picture of you on Kate's lap to be part of that list of problems. You had expected some awkwardness from the charming brunette, the usual "we can't do this again" speech while actively making out in some random storage closet, maybe even some weird looks from your co-workers to further complicate things.

Your original plan had featured everything except you going viral overnight and waking up to the biggest PR disaster to ever hit Bishop Security. (Which is saying a lot considering the many one-night stand scandals Kate always finds herself wrapped up in)

You had so many ideas of what the morning after would be like but none of them included you waking up to an empty bed and a large pit in your stomach that tells you you fucked up big time.

Maybe it had been your fault, maybe you had been too naive for thinking you could really have it all.

Or maybe Kate was right. Maybe she had a longer list of enemies than you had been willing to entertain.

There were far too many “maybe’s” in your mind, an overwhelming amount of notifications on your phone, and you had no idea where Kate had gone.

You’re not sure how long you spend scrolling through Twitter and avoiding all the texts filled with unanswerable questions from your co-workers but eventually, you manage to regain control of yourself and get up from the archer’s ridiculously comfortable bed. You do your best to ignore how shaky your legs are as you get dressed, your mind unfortunately drifting to the night before.

You manage to find your way to the kitchen where there's a full spread of, slightly burnt, breakfast waiting for you. Your heart swells as you read the messy handwriting on the post-it note next to the biggest stack of pancakes you’ve ever seen.

Morning, sunshine. I didn’t know what you were in the mood for so I made a bit of everything. Eat as much as you can, you’ll need a lot of food and water to recover from last night ;) - Kate

It’s impossible to stop the wave of relief that crashes into you after reading that.

As impossible as it feels, you allow yourself to believe things will be fine. That Kate will stick by your side after opening up to you about her supernatural abilities.

But the fantasy doesn’t last long.

You’re halfway through your breakfast when you hear the front door slam shut with so much force you briefly wonder if the hinges came off. It takes no more than fifteen seconds for the archer to appear in front of you, her shoulders tense and an unreadable storm in her eyes.

Her posture already tells you the answer to the question forming on your lips but you ask anyway. “Everything okay?”

She seems almost startled by the sound of your voice as if hearing you makes you real.

It makes the mess you’re both in real.

“No,” she sighs. “I have some shitty news.”

“Shittier than being called a slut by all of New York?” You reply, unable to stop the urge to make her smile.

Kate doesn’t fully smile but she does let out a small chuckle, her shoulders dropping into a less tense position as the sound escapes her. “Yeah…shittier than that.”

You should’ve known where the conversation was headed. Should’ve realized there was no way you’d be able to have it all. No way for you to continue with your life as if nothing had happened.

Maybe you are too naive because you truly didn’t see her next sentence coming.

“y/n…I have to fire you and we...we can’t do this again. This has to be goodbye.”

Everything crashes into you at once.

The realization of what you’ve actually done, the stupid ease with which Kate is cutting you out of her life, the betrayal of her practically kicking you out onto the streets. You’re not an idiot, you know there’s no way you’ll be able to keep your apartment, your humble yet expensive life in New York, without your job.

Without her.

“You…you’re serious? You’re throwing me out just like that?”

“It’s not easy for me either-”

“It looks pretty damn easy, Kate.” You scoff.

“You’re not the one who spent her whole morning getting chewed out by her mom.” Her words come out like an afterthought, like she knows just how badly she’ll fuck up if you hear the annoyance behind them.

Unfortunately for her, you hear her loud and clear.

“Oh, come on. That’s your excuse? You had one bad conversation with your mom and suddenly I don’t mean anything?”

She doesn’t reply and her silence only serves to stoke the flames of fury and resentment rising within your chest.

“Do you know how many death threats I’ve gotten in the last hour? How many coworkers have tried to blackmail me already? Do you understand just how much of my life this has ruined? And you have the audacity to act like you have it hard?”

“Don’t pretend like you know anything about my life,” she spits back. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Katherine. If I didn’t know you, if you didn’t care, why the hell did you tell me your dirty little secret?”

She blinks, taken aback by the hard-hitting truth you throw her way.

If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t notice the way she nervously fidgets with her fingers or the way she bites down on her lower lip while she tries to come up with something to say. If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t know she’s hurting underneath.

You do know her, though, but knowing her isn’t enough if she’s not willing to let you stay.

So, because you do know her…you walk away.

It feels like giving up in the most infuriating of ways but it’s the only thing you can do. If Kate’s mind is made up, there’s no amount of reason that will get her to change. That’s another thing about her you’ve learned the hard way.

So you swallow your pride and walk away with no plan, no job, no way of supporting yourself. If you were a more spiteful person, you would have applied for a job at Stark Industries but instead, you do the second hardest thing you’ve ever done.

You restart.

It’s a bitter defeat and still, you pack up your things and pay an old friend a visit.

You had left Wanda behind after the Westview fiasco but she’s the only person you can think of running to after your entire life went up in flames. All it takes is one quick spell and the realization that a life without dark magic isn’t one you can live before you’re standing on the porch of her small cabin in the middle of nowhere.

Saying she’s disappointed would be an understatement, especially since she explicitly warned you not to fall in love with Kate Bishop. It’s hard to believe the witch knew about Kate’s vampire secret but you also wouldn’t be surprised if she knew what awaited you the second you left for New York.

Unfortunately, you had to learn things the hard way.

You could write multiple books on everything you’ve learned the hard way.

At the top of that list, though, is the true extent of a certain archer’s vampire powers.

It takes less than a month for Kate to reach you again…through your dreams. Dreams that feel far too real and leave you a tad bit more breathless than you’ll ever be willing to admit.

The first time it happens, you assume it’s one of Wanda’s new tricks, maybe it’s her way of helping you cope with what (or rather who) you’ve left behind. You think it’s weird but maybe a tad bit sweet and you make a mental note to ask her about it in the morning.

It’s not until you realize that you’re actively thinking that you start to worry.

To make matters worse, you’re inside Kate’s apartment…and she quite literally stumbles out of her bedroom to see you standing in the middle of her living room.

“Oh, shit.” She groans.

Your heart skips a beat at the sound of her voice. You know you’re just dreaming and yet it all feels so real. It’s like you can feel her eyes on you, hear the way your heart won’t stop pounding in your ears.

Your confusion must be written all over your face because she answers your question before you can even ask it.

“Yes, you are dreaming but this isn’t like a normal dream.”

“What the fuck happened to you not being a mind reader?” You blurt out.

You wait for that stupid smirk of hers to appear, maybe with a half-assed shrug and a semi-charming joke, but it never comes. “My dream, my rules, I guess.”

“That still doesn’t explain what’s going on.”

A beat of silence goes by before she sort of gives you an answer. “I can explain but you might hate me afterwards.”

The look in her eyes says more than you can possibly handle right now. You’ve never known Kate to be particularly insecure but all you can see in those blue depths is fear and insecurity. Fear that your feelings for her have changed, that you already hate her and never want to hear from her again.

Too bad you’ve never been good at lying.

“Try me.”

The corners of her mouth quirk up into a small smile. “Long story short, we’re bonded. That’s why we’re in each other’s dreams.”

There’s a bigger question to be asked but you’re still a little freaked out by how real this all feels. By how intense your feelings for her still are.

“But this isn’t like a normal dream, is it?”

“Nope, perks of having vampire powers.”

“So, you can do everything except read minds?” You can’t help but tease her like all the times before. “That sucks.”

“Shut up,” she says with an over-dramatic roll of her eyes.

A calm silence falls over both of you and you hate how normal it feels. How just like that, you forget your anger and the betrayal you’ve felt every minute since the day you left New York in favor of falling for her stupidly enchanting self all over again.

It doesn’t help that with every second, the distance between you gets smaller and smaller.

You don’t know who takes the first step, all you know is you blink and suddenly she’s standing right in front of you, those soft blue eyes of hers searching for the truth you can’t hide.

“y/n,” she murmurs, her hand tentatively reaching out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you wanted.”

She’s technically not wrong, leaving because of her incapability to deal with her feelings was the last thing you wanted, but it’s not like you had any other choice.

She didn’t give you any other choice.

And now she’s here, staring at you with that wounded puppy look she so effortlessly embodies.

“I wanted you,” you whisper in response. “When are you going to get that through your thick skull?”

She chuckles, the sound warm but nervous. Her hand moves to cup your face and her touch is so soft, it leaves you breathless for a moment. “Never, I’m too stubborn for that, remember?”

You can’t help but tease her as the atmosphere shifts into something more affectionate than you’d like. “How could I forget? It’s your worst trait.”

“Ouch. Is that how you treat your favorite vampire?”

“Aw, poor little vampire baby.”

You wait for her to make one of her usual jokes but she doesn’t.

Instead, her eyes drift down to your lips and your mind instantly goes blank.

There’s an endless list of reasons why you shouldn’t do it. Just because it’s a dream doesn’t mean it isn’t a bad idea. Then again…when has that ever stopped you from being with Kate Bishop?

It’s subtle but you lean forward just enough to give her the invitation she’s too much of a gentleman to ask for. Her eyes widen the slightest bit before she meets you in the middle, the space between your lips becoming nonexistent in the span of a few seconds.

You try your hardest to hold on to your self control, to not seem as desperate as you’ve felt since that first night, but it’s useless. Your hands grip the front of her shirt in an attempt to pull her closer despite how insane everything is.

You’re simply dreaming and yet you can feel every touch, every breath, every desperate effort to make your desires a reality. You would feel embarrassed if Kate wasn’t acting the same way.

Her lips leave yours only to trail down to your neck, her fangs instantly teasing the sensitive skin she finds. The anticipation builds inside your chest as she toys with you and it’s all you can do not to beg for more.

“Kate.” Her name leaves your lips in the form of a whisper that disappears just as fast as it formed.

All you hear is her sharp intake of breath before it all fades to black.

Your eyes snap open and you’re greeted with the absolute silence you’re starting to associate with Wanda’s cabin. All you can do is lay there in the darkness, your heart pounding in your ears while your fingers trace the spot Kate’s lips had just been on.

It had all felt so real and now you’re all alone again. It shouldn’t be surprising at this point and yet you still hold on to the hope Kate will come looking for you.

But she doesn’t.

All she does is haunt your dreams in the most literal way possible. She doesn’t come to find you and fix your many, many issues, instead, she simply appears in your dreams long enough to send your mind reeling without offering any solutions.

You wish you could hate her for doing this to you but you can’t.

You love her.

Worse than that, you love her more and more each night. Even though it’s not nearly enough to heal any of your wounds, and maybe it only serves to hurt you more, it’s definitely addicting.

Wanda offers to help you sever the connection between you and Kate, something about a spell she read in the Darkhold being her only assurance that she knows what she’s doing. You don’t fully trust her on that but you do consider the option for longer than you want to admit.

You reason with yourself that there are much worse things to deal with on a daily basis than highly realistic dreams, though. That being bonded to a vampire isn't the worst thing in the world.

And maybe that would be true…if the vampire in question wasn't Kate Bishop.

You don't know what possesses you to ask but the question slips out in the middle of another midnight rendezvous. It’s been a little over two month since you moved away from New York, a little over two months since you've shared these weird dreams with Kate, when you finally ask.

“What exactly did you do for us to be bonded to each other?”

The question must catch her off guard given the way her eyes widen in panic. “What?”

“You said these weird dreams happen because we’re bonded or something but you never explained how that happened.” You watch the brunette from your spot on the couch and impatiently wait for a response, for something that will help you make sense of everything.

She swallows back her nervousness but gives herself away due to the way she fidgets with the rings on her hand. “Oh, yeah, that…it’s because I bit you that night in my apartment…remember?”

Her awkwardness would be endearing if her response wasn't so damn suspicious.

“Yeah but you're a vampire, biting people is kind of your thing. You're not automatically bonded to every person you bite, right?”

A beat of silence passes before she answers, her voice shaking the slightest bit. “No that…that only happens when there are…certain feelings involved.”

It takes a second for her answer to click in your brain. For her sudden nervousness to hold real meaning.

The answer hits you like a train and it makes your blood boil like nothing else.

“Kate, tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means. Tell me you didn't fire me because you were too afraid of having feelings for me.”

“y/n-”

“For fuck’s sake, Kate!”

The sudden frustration in your voice makes her jump, hundreds of meaningless explanations forming on the tip of her tongue.

You don't hear a word she says.

You can't hear anything besides the pounding in your heart and the devastation that threatens to swallow you whole.

You always knew being with Kate would be impossible but this was something else entirely. This wasn't a lack of feelings between you two, this was too many feelings and too many miles of distance and not one ounce of regret from her.

You're not sure when you stood up from your spot or when she approached you, you simply feel her hand on your waist and the unmistakable sound of her breathing.

“y/n,” she tries again. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m so tired of hearing you say that.”

“I know.”

The last thing you feel is her lips on the back of your neck before you wake up. Alone. Again.

Wanda must catch on to your desperation because she brings up the idea of cutting your connection with Kate that same morning.

“It’ll only be temporary,” she assures you. “No offense but you need sleep more than you need Kate Bishop.”

“I’m a little offended,” you grumble in response.

Despite your reservations, and the voice in the back of your head that tells you running away again is a bad idea, you go along with her plan. She's right, after all. You definitely need some time away from Kate Bishop and her never-ending messes.

The spell is simpler than you expect and it, thankfully, requires pretty much no effort on your part and no weird liquids.

It does also bring the best sleep you’ve had in months so you can’t complain…even when you wake up missing the sound of the archer’s voice.

You still miss her every day and you're sure that won't change any time soon but you welcome the peace with open arms.

Wanda spends her time teaching you random spells while you help her build a nice flower garden in the backyard. It's weird but…comforting.

You could even get used to life out here someday.

At least, that's what you keep telling yourself as the weeks go by.

Until Kate shows up unannounced and flips your world upside down again with those same soft eyes you fell on love with all those months ago.

[terra-feminarum]

Usually I like to have more or less positive tone when I post about detransition. But I do admit, there are times when I don't know how to go on like this.

I know beauty doesn't matter, nor does it matter if I can blend in with "normal" people. But I don't live in a vacuum, but among other people, and I need to stay employed and I need connection with my fellow women. Life is not tumblr and sometimes I feel desperate.

I feel very aware of my differences when I'm at a zoom meeting and I see myself next to other women and I hear their voices and I hear my voice and wonder if they even understand I'm a woman. I wonder if people can understand my female masculinity (for lack of a better word) or whether they consider me the freakiest little twink they have ever seen. That's what T does to a butch, rather than make her handsome and masculine.

There is this feeling of having a nightmare and waiting to wake up, but it never happens.

Sometimes I miss my old body more than anything and I wish I could know how I might look like at this age had I not made the decisions I did. Would my breasts sag now? How my graying hair would look if I could grow it out? What my voice would be like? I don't remember my old voice.

Sometimes the grief and anxiety are so strong I don't know how to cope. But I'm alive and I just have to continue from one moment to the next, until one day I don't feel as bad, and that day always comes. When I feel the worst I try to remember what I do have, rather than what I've lost. Sometimes I try to remember so many people have to go through so much harder things than I hopefully ever will, this is such a simple problem in comparison. Returning to the basics help: I have good food on my table. I have a good roof over my head. I have good relationships with other people. Even when I'm so ashamed of myself and hate what I did to myself, I still have these things.

And when I feel the worst, I carry on out of spite. I'm not going to fade into some kind of non-existence and be quiet. I'm going to be fucking loud of what I've gone through. This shouldn't have happened. Other women shouldn't have to go through the same. On the worst days the best I can manage is to carry the body I hate as evidence. At least I can show people what misogyny can lead to.

It's not healthy and better days will always come and I will not hate myself later. Later I won't feel like a freak. But the worst days are real, too, and I need to somehow live through them.

[xomakara]

Elevator

(re-posting from my old account seulrinnie-rinrin/xomakara-secondary)

SUMMARY | You and Wooyoung are stuck in the elevator with nothing to do but talk. But when you are awfully aware of how close he is, you can’t help but act on your urges.

PAIRING | Wooyoung/Reader

GENRE | non-idol!Wooyoung, smut with no plot, unprotected sex (wrap it up everyone!), fingering, oral, vaginal sex, elevator sex

RATING | Mature

LENGTH | 2593 words

AUTHOR’S NOTE | On the shorter side but still smutty~

"Nononono. This can't be happening." You ran a hand through your hair, sliding down the walls of the elevator as it stopped moving. The lights were out and you could barely make out the figure of the man who stood next to you.

Of all days to get a power outage!

"Freaking out like that isn't going to make things better." The man muttered, his voice low and calm. "Breathe deep. Count to ten. Do something productive. Shit. I forgot what to do when things go bad."

He added, not sounding at all sincere.

You didn't need him to tell you to breathe; you'd been doing so since the lights went out in the first place. Your heart was pounding and the sweat on your palms made them slippery. The whole situation was just freaking bizarre and the adrenaline pumping through your body wasn't helping either.

You knew you had a bad feeling when you woke up this morning as you struggled to get out of bed. All your work clothes were in the laundry hamper, a lightbulb went out in your bathroom while you showered, you ran out of coffee and there was nothing left to eat for breakfast besides half an apple that had turned brown overnight.

On top of all that, the bathroom mirror showed that the faint lines around your eyes were more pronounced than usual.

And now you're stuck in the company's elevator with that very attractive employee in your department, one who is probably pissed off that he can't find anything to do while trapped here too.

"I knew I should have called in today." You muttered, burying your face in your hands. "This day couldn't possibly get any worse."

"How worse could it be?" The man asked, looking slightly annoyed but also amused by the sight of you bawling your eyes out on the elevator floor. He took a few steps forward before stopping again, taking another deep breath. "It's just a power outage after all. It happens every now and then."

"True enough." You agreed, raising your head to look up at him. "I just can't believe I'm stuck here with you."

"What's wrong with being stuck in an elevator with me?" He laughed.

"Not funny, Wooyoung." You frowned. "God, I can already hear all the other ladies in our department talking shit about me. Why do I always get myself into these situations? Like I haven't got enough problems as it is."

"I mean there's one way we can deter the shit talking." He smirked, gesturing at himself suggestively.

You groaned and shook your head. You really needed to get out of here soon or else your colleague was going to try to make a move on you and then you'll be really fucked. Not that you weren't interested in the idea, but you've heard some horror stories from friends who hooked up with co-workers and most of them ended badly.

You glanced around nervously, wondering how long the power outage would last and how long you'd be stuck in this elevator. You wondered if they'd think of any contingency plan if they realized how much time had passed since the lights went out. Maybe they'd sent maintenance to fix it? Hopefully someone will come soon.

"What are you thinking about, Y/N?" Wooyoung asked, sinking to the floor next to you. His legs crossed and his arms resting casually on his knees. "Having second thoughts about making a move on me?"

"I am not trying to make a move on you, no matter how attractive you may be." You mumbled. "Are you really sure you want to know what I'm thinking?"

"I have been told I have good hearing." He grinned, nudging you playfully with his shoulder. "Go ahead and tell me. Whatever it is, I won't judge you."

"Just being in this elevator is making my anxiety go up the wazoo." You sighed, sitting back against the wall.

"That's why I'm trying to distract you." He said with a shrug. "So, you really want to tell me what's bothering you?"

"I've just had such a bad day." You sighed. "I struggled to get out of bed this morning. All my work clothes were in the hamper, the light bulbs went out during my shower, I didn't have any breakfast except for a stupid apple that turned brown and I ran out of coffee this morning. Everything seemed to conspire against me this morning and..."

You took a deep breath and stared down at your feet, knowing that if you looked at him, you might let yourself get carried away. Wooyoung squeezed your hands gently.

"This kind of thing doesn't happen to me. I've always got my shit together, but today, everything seems to fall apart. One after the other." You muttered.

"Y/N, don't feel embarrassed about having bad days. Everyone has them." He murmured. "Sometimes life can be cruel and unjust, leaving us to struggle with burdens we never thought we could carry alone. It happens to the best of us."

"Maybe." You sighed. "But sometimes you wish that sometimes those bad days wouldn't happen at all."

"Well, we can't always get what we want, right?" He smiled gently. "But if we accept reality as it is, rather than as we wish it to be, perhaps we'll feel better and cope better with whatever life throws at us."

"Who are you and what have you done to the cocky Wooyoung I work with?" You let out an amused sigh. "Is it possible to see two sides of a person at once? Because I definitely saw a different side of you today. Thank you for being nice to me."

"Oh come on, it's nothing special." He waved his hand dismissively. "But I'd like a kiss as payment for comforting you. That's if...you want to."

You looked at him, eyes taking in his handsome face. His messy hair, slightly tousled from always running his hands through them. Those eyes that made you weak in the knees. The lips that were dangerously close to yours.

"Do you want to kiss me?" He asked quietly, tilting his head to the side.

There was a moment where neither of you moved, staring deeply into each other's eyes until finally Wooyoung leaned closer and pressed his lips against yours softly.

The soft kiss surprised you, making you pull away slightly. But Wooyoung didn't seem fazed by it and instead he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer. You returned the kiss, brushing your lips against his before pressing your mouth more firmly against his.

Your lips parted slightly as he continued to press kisses to your lips, opening wider as his tongue slid along the seam of your mouth, exploring every corner until finally parting to allow him entrance. He tasted faintly of coffee, which made you wonder if he drank a cup before he came down here, but his taste was still pleasantly sweet.

"You know I could care less about what our coworkers would say about us." He muttered against your lips. "I only have eyes for you."

His words, along with his closeness and the scent of his cologne filled your senses and slowly your breathing became deeper, almost as though your lungs were expanding and pushing the air inside even further. The electricity flowing between you caused goosebumps to rise on your skin, spreading all over your body as his hands tightened their grip around your waist.

As much as you wanted to deny it, his lips and his touch were sending sparks of pleasure shooting across your skin and a warm sensation rushed to your core.

"Wooyoung..." You moaned, closing your eyes tightly. You felt his lips graze your jawline, before moving lower to nip at your earlobe. A shiver ran down your spine and your knees began to weaken, causing you to lean back against the wall behind you.

"Y/N..." He whispered, nibbling at your neck before he began to suckle your earlobe. "Do you want me to stop?"

The question caught you completely off guard and you opened your eyes to stare into his. In the dim lighting of the elevator, your pupils were drawn into his dark eyes, which seemed to have gone darker, taking on a darker shade.

"No." You breathed, leaning in to press your lips against his.

And Wooyoung seemed equally affected by your kiss. Before you could blink, his hands reached up and grabbed the sides of your face, pulling you towards him so that your lips met once more.

With every kiss, the intensity grew and soon you were lost in the sensations coursing through your body. When he pulled away slightly to give you a chance to catch your breath, your breath hitched and you licked your lips before reaching up to run your fingers through his hair.

The man in front of you was no longer the Wooyoung you usually worked with. Instead, he looked like a man who knows exactly what he wants and won't hesitate to take it.

"Don't stop." You breathed out, Wooyoung lifted you in his arms. His face darkened with desire and his breath came out in shallow pants as he gazed down at you with hunger in his eyes. "Please..."

He dropped to his knees, lifting your skirt and tugging your panties aside, revealing your pussy. It was slick with excitement and arousal and you felt your breath quicken. The sight of your cunt getting wetter was arousing and thrilling, as he looked up at you expectantly.

Before you could stop him, he slipped two fingers inside your pussy and began to stroke you, bringing out small whimpers of pleasure. He continued to slide his fingers in and out of you, fucking you with such skill and control.

Your legs began to shake uncontrollably, feeling weak from the pleasure he brought you and you sank back against the wall, needing something to hold onto. He didn't need to be told twice and quickly placed his hand under your knee, bringing it to rest on his shoulder, his face now buried between your thighs.

You let out a gasp when his tongue began to lap at your clit, teasing it and making it throb with pleasure. You closed your eyes and tilted your hips upwards, allowing him better access to your center. Your hips bucked erratically, driving his tongue faster, while his fingers kept pumping in and out of you.

He hummed and thrust his tongue harder against your clit, causing you to moan loudly. You started panting heavily, sucking in your bottom lip as he began to finger fuck you in earnest, fastening his pace. There was no mistaking it anymore. He was totally focused on pleasuring you, intent on giving you mind blowing orgasms.

The combination of the electric shocks from his fingers in conjunction with the vibrations from his tongue was too much to bear. Soon your hips began to buck violently, moaning and whimpering, driven mad by the pleasure that overwhelmed you.

"Fuck!"

It was unlike anything you ever experienced before. As you screamed his name, letting go of all control, all you could do was keep your orgasm coming, flooding his mouth with your juices until your body relaxed against the wall and he withdrew his tongue, licking the last traces of your cum from his lips.

"Holy fuck..." You gasped, catching your breath.

"Good?" He asked, kissing your inner thigh and working his way up to kiss you. You could taste yourself on his lips, but it only added to your arousal.

"So good but now..." Your knees went weak and you rested your forehead against his. "Now I need you to fuck me."

In an instant, he lifted you so that you could wrap your legs around his waist. The position left you open and vulnerable, as he settled himself between your legs and pushed forward, burying his cock deep inside you. You gasped as you took his length fully, enjoying the fullness of him. The feel of him filling you to capacity.

Wooyoung thrust in and out of you, setting a steady pace that made you cling onto him. With each thrust, his pelvis smacked against your clit, making you cry out.

The speed increased as you leaned back against the wall, lifting your ass higher to accommodate him. Wooyoung gripped your hips, moving them back and forth with precision, hitting just the right spot. He pressed kisses to your neck, then your ears before finding your lips again.

The combination of the feel of his hands gripping your hips and the feel of his hard cock pulsating inside you, sent ripples of pleasure shooting through your body, igniting your passion.

"Oh God...Wooyoung..." You groaned, arching your back as his tongue found its way to your earlobe.

"You feel so good. I could fuck you forever." He whispered, thrusting into you harder and harder, his balls slapping against your ass with each thrust. "Can I fuck you forever?"

"Yes please...Yes. Yes.." You moaned, pressing your body tighter against his.

His moans were growing louder as he thrust into you faster and faster, matching your pace. With every thrust, his fingers dug into your hips, holding you tight against him. Every time you pressed back against him, he let out a long groan, then immediately buried himself inside you, fucking you harder and harder.

"Y/N... Y/N... Come for me..." He groaned against your ear.

It took every ounce of willpower not to let yourself cum, but his moans and the feel of his hard cock deep inside you drove you crazy and you knew you couldn't hold back any longer.

The muscles in your stomach clenched and a tremor coursed through your body as another orgasm ripped through you, leaving you trembling. Wooyoung thrust harder, gritting his teeth and growling as he came with you. The sight of him losing control and calling out your name made your heart skip a beat and make your knees buckle.

But before you could fall to the floor, he caught you in his arms and held you tightly, kissing you tenderly. You were completely spent and all you wanted was to collapse into his arms.

"I got you." He whispered, wrapping his arms around you protectively.

As soon as Wooyoung placed you on your feet, the power kicked back on and the elevator started moving again. The both of you let out a laugh as you fixed your clothes, making sure that nothing had fallen out of place.

"Wooyoung?" You turned to look at him, smiling at him. "Thank you."

He grasped your hand, linking your fingers together as you walked towards the doors. "Anytime."

As the elevator door opened, he let go of your hand, placing his hands on the doors and holding them open for you. He watched as you exited the elevator, giving you one last smile before he followed you.

When you got to your desk and Wooyoung to his, you were both silent, content in the fact that you had each other and no one else knew what had happened between the two of you. And when you turned to look at your phone, you saw a text from him asking if you wanted to get dinner later.

Your heart skipped a beat as your face lit up with a wide smile. The night was still young and there was plenty of time for you and Wooyoung to enjoy it together.

[innerwav]

Wowzers manifestation!

Okay so like I for the first time since the start of my whole manifesting journey I’ve gotten genuine results and it’s kind of crazy?????? Like I did not expect this but I love where I’m headed and this just gave me so much inspiration so I’m making this post to hopefully reach out to all those people who’ve been trying for years and never got like physical results cuz I feel you 😭 Okay so this is like a really small thing so don’t expect a crazy big manifestation but just this small little thing helped me start believing in myself again so YIPPIEEEE!!!!

Basically I’ve been trying to get in the void state right? I know it’s a really easy thing but girl I be falling asleep so for me it’s been a little tough but yeah so on my list of stuff I had written down that I wanted to manifest once in that state is a better charger! And for the longest time I had the old iPhone charger (like yk the old one that actually LOOKED NORMAL AND FIT IN WITH MOST CHARGERS) and then it just stopped working so I bought a NEWWWW one and this shit started tweaking like it did not want to fucking work so now I got on my list that I want a new charger and honestly I didn’t even put much thought into it I just knew I wanted to manifest a new one, tell me why one day I just wake up and like I go get my charger where I knew I last left it and it’s a brand new fucking charger and like new version too 😭😭😭😭 it didn’t even register to me what happen like genuinely I had to take some time to realize oh shoot I didn’t use to have this wtf, bro I searched my whole house and I did not find my two old ones and I asked my brother how long did I have this and he was like, you’ve had it for a long time and OMGGGGGG like I swear even now cuz it’s been like two days I’m still like trying to believe this really happen because I’m genuinely still in shock and I know it’s small but to me this is a huge deal though, and this isn’t even the only thing cause like literally like just Friday I remember going to bed and being like yeah I’m going to the void tonight so I put on this silent booster subliminal and I started like lucid dreaming but I didn’t even realize and honestly it’s all kind of blurry but I remember I was freaking out because I hate lucid dreaming cause I’ve had really bad experiences with it and then boom I made myself go into the void for like a second- craziest thing I was like, oh I’m in the void but like I just came from a freaky ass dream and I want to get out because like I’m still scared and bro I didn’t even get to like really manifest anything but that’s okay because since I’m just now realizing how easy this is, I think I could do it again no trouble because like all I did was start lucid dreaming and then like just want to be in the void and I did so honestly when u hear people saying “it’s so easy!” “It’ll happen randomly” and all that stuff I know it’s like really annoying because you’d think otherwise knowing how epic it seems but really when u get there you’ll understand that it’s honestly not that hard, I hate saying this because everyone’s journey is different really but I feel like it’s just something u need to hear to know that this thing that seems so out of this world and like you couldn’t even grasp how it’s possible really isn’t so out of ur reach, because I used to view it as that but as I’ve detached and I don’t really care much if I get into it or not, the journeys just been so much more carefree and easy. I know that I didn’t give a method or real advice but for me seeing and like hearing peoples results always gave me a bunch of motivation so I’m sorry that I don’t have a step by step guide to give u to help but I hope this small success story helped you at least because for me this has meant so much so for all of those that always felt like u were so out of the loop and out of everybody’s league on here who seems to just be getting so lucky with results, just know u can be like that and u can achieve that and one day u will and that could be today and it all depends on u really. Wish u guys the best honestly and sorry if this is written wonky or awkward I’m just not used to making post with my own words or making motivational stuff so yeah 😭 thx for reading this tho ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[shock]

This one is definitely my favorite so far in my collage solar system, so I wanted to post it. Hopefully I'll get some nice scans once all the pieces are done, but here's a spotlight on Neptune Side 1, "MEMORY".

The photos on the left are all pictures I took as a kid with film my gammaw got me before she died, and most of them are from the same day we took a walk together. The photos on the right all include her except for one. I can't remember HOW I managed to get ahold of the time they hired a stripper for her birthday, but I've always found that set of photos to be really evocative and I feel like I found the perfect use for them! 🤣

The text reads:

One fine day in 2006, a wild deer wandered into a Target store. When animals are traumatized, we make careful, logical calculations. Which is what the deer did.

After falling down the stairs, skidded around for a half hour, like when Odysseus opened a bag of captive winds, would surrender for a second, then dash from one event to the next. Until out of sheer frustration, I threw a bucket. But it made the deer race right through the window.

"F---ed up beyond all recognition."

If I had known what that maneuver would cost, I would probably have let the deer go.

A couple of days before she died, she took me to the ocean.

My log adds, I had some nice things to eat. I have never seen a being, human or animal, always so full of joy. Talking to her filled me with the power of the sun.

I wanted to hug her, but I didn't. I literally forgot to put my arms around her. We talked again that night on a ship-to-ship radio frequency. You weren't supposed to talk long on that because others might need it.

The next day, she died. I went into the woods, trying to clear my head. I could hear the deer breathing in the darkness. It was weird.

The day after she died, I called and cried. I don't like to yell or scream, but a bad storm brings something out of me. Not until I knew there's be no response did I realize how much pleasure I had taken in calling her. I bellowed up at the approaching storm: All right, you have the power of life and death! Love's no good! I know it! I had so many meetings with different people, I forgot! I'm sorry! So deafen me with your thunder! Go on, then! Scorch up my brains! I defy you! I'll defy you to my last breath!

Who was I defying? God? The deer? The storm? It didn't do any good to make noises of my own.

Sleeping helps. In dreams, I reach out my hand and grab the disease with my fist, drive that f---ed cancer back across an entire wavelength, refuse to contemplate the distant future, have a great talk with her held safely inside my arms.

I think It's worst than a nightmare. It's slow torture, it will drive you crazy, cunningly spooled and folded scenarios spin out in your mind.

Two years ago, I watched tapes of her that only reminded me of how I wanted to hear live people. It took me years to learn how to use them.

It is always interesting to see how situations change and people move from one to the other. Then you walk around a rock, and there it is: names and drawings, graffiti, all of one trade— MEMORIES carved in the rock:

Her life was a gift to me. She'd given me a greater one.

She sounded good.

I got the message. Follow the noise.

Retrace my route between the images of a continuous narrative. I went to the spot where she took her last breath. By then I could hear the deer running through the brush. I called again. This time, with a smile.

It worked. I made contact again.

Of course I knew this time she couldn't come, so my approach changed:

All right, REFLECTIONS can't support life.

That's okay. Keep moving.

GO AHEAD AND FREAK OUT.

Keeping busy helps, too— She lived every moment as though it were her last. It was wonderful.

I love her very much.

Do you want to know a secret?

I transformed into something grown for the pure happiness it brings me.

I feel really good now.

My attention most days is on the here and now.

It's the only real escape there is.

[spookymystery67]

I Wish I Could Walk In Heels

AN: Wow, I missed posting last week. I'm a loser. Sorry. Truthfully I was not fully in it last week, or this week for that matter. But I wanted something posted and it's freaking confession time so I persevered and did it! Whoo! This chapter is a tad bit shorter and I have never, ever written a scene like this before so it was an experience. Hopefully my reading experience didn't make it suck as bad. I'm trying. I really am lmao. Enjoy!

The next morning, you said your goodbyes to Jill as she had to leave to finish her mission while you had to make your way back to the hotel you and Ada were sharing. You were sad to leave your friend once again, and you could only hope that life will be kinder to her. Maybe you will run into each other again at some point in the future.

Chapter 18:

Maybe once Umbrella was gone for good.

You were nervous to walk through the door of the room you shared with Ada. You wanted to tell her how you felt, but your doubt and insecurities were going to make it ten times harder to do.

You took a deep breath and tried to ignore the negative thoughts, before doing the secret knock you and Ada came up with early on, as she has the only key to the room.

You listened for movement from inside as the door abruptly opened and Ada stood in front of you with a deadpan look on her face.

“Y/n. How was your little sleepover?” She asked, tone nonchalant as she walked away, back facing you. You could tell from the way her shoulders have tensed that she was bothered by something.

“Uh, it was good. It was nice catching up with her after so long.” You said as you walked into the room, keeping your eyes on her as you shut and re-locked the door behind you.

Ada huffed as she sorted and packed her things in her duffle bag. “I'm glad you had fun. Start packing your things. We're heading out soon.” She aggressively shoved a dress into her bag.

You hesitated. “Are- are you okay?” 

“Fine.” Ada dismissed.

You hummed, watching her as she was still turned away from you. “You know, we talked about you last night.”

“Did you now?” Ada drawled, uninterested in whatever you and Jill talked about.

You took a slow, hesitant step forward. “Yeah. She brought something to my attention. Something about you.”

Ada paused before slowly turning to face you, arms crossed, hip jutted to her right. “What about me?” She asked, ready to defend herself as she assumed the worst.

You took a deep breath and another hesitant step forward. “She told me you were jealous.”

She raised a brow. “Jealous?”

“Mhmm. Jealous.”

“Jealous of what?”

“Of her. Jealous of the way we interacted with each other.”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Right.”

You walked closer to her, now only a few feet apart. “You shouldn't be jealous of her. She's only a friend.” You said before she could speak.

“I'm your friend.” She snapped, arms still crossed as her frustration rose.

You can't help but smile, her feelings for you becoming more clear now that Jill had helped you open your eyes. “You are. And you know I can have more than one friend, right?”

Ada scoffed with an eye roll. “Uh huh.”

You decide to just tell her right now before she becomes more upset. “But… maybe me and you can be something more than just friends.”

Ada's face fell in shock, completely taken aback from the sudden turn in the conversation. “Y-you… I'm sorry. What?” 

Huh, she stuttered. It wasn’t often that you got Ada Wong to stutter.

You take a deep breath. “Look. I've never done this before so there is a good chance that I might embarass myself by saying this but, I like you, Ada. I really like you. And I think I have for a while now. I have always admired you. Even when we first met. The entire time we were in Raccoon City together I was trying to convince myself that I hated you, but I didn't. I don’t. I've always found it very hard to hate you.” You paused, looking down and away from Ada who just stared at you with a look you couldn't quite decipher. You quickly lost what courage you had started with when you couldn’t figure out what she was thinking. “But, um, if you don't feel the same way as I do then that's fine. Just figured I should let you… know.” You finished awkwardly.

From the corner of your eye you saw Ada take a slow step forward, as if she was afraid she would frighten you, before taking another more confident step. Then another, and another.

Once she was close enough, she reached her right hand down to take your chin in a gentle grasp with her pointer finger and thumb, carefully moving your head up to make eye contact with her.

She gave you a moment to allow you to pull away from her if you so choose, before her straight, unreadable, face broke into a warm, gentle smile that she has only ever shown to you.

“Can I kiss you, Y/n?” She asked, her warm smile and gentle grasp on your face still there as she patiently waited for your response.

You were dumbfounded, completely caught off guard, having not at all expected this outcome. Fully expecting to be denied. Not embraced.

Your cheeks flushed as you worked through the brain fuzz her touch caused, quickly nodding your consent. “Yes.”

Her smile widened before she slowly closed the space between the two of you. Her warm, glossed lips, connected with yours almost hesitantly in a slow, but affectionate kiss. Giving you time to get used to it. Used to her. She kept you in a weak hold in case you decided to pull away.

You responded to the hesitation by moving your arms around her to hug her waist, bringing her closer to you in encouragement. Wanting to show her you truly meant every word of your confession. 

You wanted to be more. You wanted to be with her.

She responded to the encouragement with eager, yet gentle, enthusiasm. The hand on your chin moved to be placed on the back of your head as her other hand came up to cup your cheek in her palm, urging you to be closer to her.

The kiss was pure bliss and felt like it lasted for hours, but in actuality it only lasted a few short minutes before you had to pull away. You both gasped for the air that you neglected during the moment you had both waited years for and thought would never happen. Ada looked at you with pure joy and admiration in her eyes that you returned, before she pulled you forward once more for a quick peck on the lips.

“So, that's what you and Jill talked about? Us?” Ada asked after a few moments, your face still held in her hands.

You nodded. “She helped me realize that you might feel the same way I do.”

Ada hummed as she leaned forward, resting her forehead against yours. “I might have to thank her whenever I see her again. She was right. I do like you. In fact, I might even go as far as to say that I love you, Y/n.”

You smiled wide as you laughed, face flushed with pure joy as you pulled your head back slightly to face her properly. “You just had to one up my confession, didn't you.” You teased her.

Ada shrugged with a grin. “I mean, you get full points for admitting it first and getting the ball rolling. But I didn't think you would admit your full feelings for me if I didn't do it first.”

Leave it to Ada to notice that you avoided the L-word for the word like. She was right. You didn't say it first because you didn't want to scare her off for good.

“You're right.” You admitted.

“As usual.” Ada teased, still hugging you close.

“Shut up and let me confess.” You playfully shoved her shoulder, before taking another breath. “I love you too, Ada.”

Her teasing smile softened as she pulled you in for another slow kiss, before pulling away and placing a short peck to your head.

“I’m glad you admitted it first. I had convinced myself you didn’t feel the same way and that it would never happen. Was just going to continue living in the friend zone for the rest of my life.” Ada said as you two separated, her dragging you to sit beside her on the edge of the bed.

“Funny. I was the same way. When Jill first brought it to my attention, I didn’t believe her.” You said as you grabbed her hand in yours.

Ada seemed surprised by your statement. “Why not? You’re smart, hilarious, and kind. Not to mention gorgeous. But I see you for more than just your looks. You’re the first person I’ve met in a while to accept me for me. You don’t try to change every part of who I am. You understand that not everything in this life is simply just black and white. You actually take the time to understand my thoughts and opinions in situations where we disagree.”

“You do the same. Like what happened with the files and Jill.” You pointed out.

She nodded, squeezing your hand. “The point is, you taking the time to have those conversations just proves that you care. That I’m not just a pretty face to you. That I actually mean something to someone. Something to you. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that. So, I love you, Y/n. I mean it.”

You nearly wanted to tear up from her words. The honesty and vulnerability she was showing you right now was something you never thought either of you would have with one another. The fact that she was comfortable enough with you to tell you this made your heart hurt in the best way. 

Instead of crying, you smiled, pulling her into an embrace that made you want to hold on tight and never let go. Ada immediately returned your embrace and held you with the same amount of strength that you held her in. Usually you could only stand hugs with people for a short amount of time. But with her, you would happily stay in her arms forever if she wanted you to. 

“And I love you, Ada.”

[asclexe]

haii….intro post…..about me……

*flash/blink warning 4 the blinkies!

haiiii :3 i go bye cameron which is very nicknameable so have fun with that. also call me whatever 🔥🔥

gender-wise i’m a trans agender/nonbinary freak albeit masc leaning thing, i prefer he/him and also they/them pronouns but i dont mind if u use it/its! feel free to use either! or interchangeably!! 😛im like a boy and a bug/cat person and a thing at the same time..

aromantic asexual aplatonic lesbian faggot thing. i think girls r pretty 😍

minor!!!!!!!!! im ageless online 4 my safety so B cool :3

star sign leo, personality type intj, white boy :\, i live in america so expect yeehaws and occasional politics, and im an atheist :3 also left-handed (i never shut up about this)! probably not neurotypical but i haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet. i might be depressed but im in school so idrc about that rn.

interest wise, im pathetically multifandom and i reblog a lot of house md because that’s my fyp, but i also enjoy doctor who (only on s5 lol), good omens (FUCK NEIL GAIMAN FUCK HIM FUCK HIM), warrior cats (on arc 5 and no intention of reading more), dungeon meshi, six feet under (s1 still lol), yellowjackets, fnaf, thg, a series of unfortunate events, doogie howser md, moral orel (s2) and soso many many more.. (i watch a lot of shows. i’m watching hannibal next!) digesting the saw franchise atm

for uhh music i listen to mainly tally hall/miracle musical, will wood, lemon demon, weezer, the smashing pumpkins, queen, destroy boys, chappell roan, dazey n the scouts, mitski, slipknot n mindless self indulgence n ayesha erotica n deftones n nickel creek (MONA!1!1!1!!!) + wayy more i love music

im also a theater kid! beware.

i enjoy mundane shit like writing, drawing, cooking, baking, reading and listening to music and watching tv and then carpe diem crap like kleptomania, theater, staying up past my bedtime, hiking/outdoors shit, being alone, doing crazy shit and having fun and

i run @ask-the-ducklings and @ppth-obgyn-dept-head-real for my house md oc and i’m 1/2 of @meanwhile-on-the-road :3

ughh sum things you should know be4 you follow or follow/unfollow or moot/unmoot me/boundaries

i am a very morbid (i think abt death literally all the time. lol), negative, cynical person and i always have been and i will not absorb those positive vibes. im a hater. im also opinionated like everyone else and im obviously going to have bad takes. B nice. sometimes the fun and joyous whimsy comes out.

i use a lot of profanity and i say the ONE. one slur i can reclaim.

i will not go to therapy or get help. i’ve been in therapy and it does not help me and i do not like it. i do not want help. i’m fine. please do not tell me “go to therapy u need it” because i do not need it

i say “im going to kill myself” a lot and these are all fruitless, meaningless statements. i am not committing suicide yet, and when i do, you’ll have long forgotten me. hopefully.

pls tell me via ask box, dm etc if i say something offensive or wrong or are overcrossing your boundaries, im sorry, im bound to make mistakes or misjudge a post.

i do not tag my reblogs with the media or characters, only little comments. i also do not spoiler tag my posts. i try to trigger tag things when i can but if you want something trigger tagged pls lmk!!

i do not have a dni, because the block button (which i use pretty often ill be honest) is easier, so instead i’d say go away bigots and zionists and pedos/zoos because your fucking lame and nsfw/kink blogs and most people over 21 (unless im comfortable with it) because i’m a minor.

despite all of this, i am very friendly and will probably want to talk to you!! i luv my mutuals!

i use #asclexeposting for all original posts + more

trying to figure out my ao3 situation but im on pinterest and discord under assclexe if you wanna hmu (B cool) and roblox as asclexe and my airbuds

old man doctor yaoi summer

house md oc

old intro

and all my other awesome mewtuals of which i have too many to tag but i love you all!!

blinkies made in the blinkie cafe

the rest is assorted, most from pinterest?

[littlesislovesyou]

I'll thank you anyway because you deserve it~ And fuuuck I need you to be the one to give me that release...I need it so badly. 😩 And you deserve it just as much <333

Oh yeah we'd be all over each other. We'd be the type to be too horny to wait until we get home. We be fucking like animals feral and desperately in heat in the alleyways, blind spots in parks or even in the car. We don't care about anything else but making each other feel good and cumming for each other~ I love having a dangerous hold over your pussy, it belongs to me too after all...it's only fitting that I do <3333

I'm happy it does. I am an overthinker and perhaps worry too much about others than I do myself lol but you being safe or fine matters to me first and then anything else can come after. And don't feel bad. I'm glad to have moments of your time devoted to me. You should do what you enjoy and what makes you happy. Take breaks from Tumblr or any social media cuz that's normal and honestly healthy lol. Movies sounded fun I'd wish we could do a movie night XD and I'm happy you read them as soon as you can. Sounds like you look forward to seeing them and that makes me happy 💕

Oh trust me I am enjoying this as much as you...I think that's why our reactions are very similar when we both tease too much 😌 and if I'm ever uncomfortable I'll promise to tell!

Well I think we both hinted at that a while ago when I was being vulnerable lol I didn't want to assume though. But yessss we'll be insane and horny for each other and together always~ 🖤🖤🖤

I look forward to that day...and I'm excited to dm you too! I just wanna make sure I've got all the stuff bothering me done and dusted so I have not as much plaguing me and preventing me from talking. I feel really safe and comfortable with you at this point lol

And I'm gonna kidnap you one day and we're gonna have a session where I make you hump my leg or thighs and my cock while I go through all the fucked up shit you get off to and mocking you for being such a pathetic, perverted freak that can't help herself like the needy puppy you are...maybe I'll finger your cunny while I scroll and show you and see what makes you the horniest based on facial expressions, reactions...how soaked you become~ Helping you masturbate until you cum all over my fingers while my teeth are marking all over your neck and collar~ 🤭🔪

Oooh I like the sound of that...and trust me I always am thinking about you after I like your naughty posts~

You are an mischievous little thing aren't you...? Well if it was...and you confirmed that you were thinking about me when you reblogged it with your own irresistible, pretty lips...I'd probably cum then and there all over the pictures you have on here immediately after jerking off for a few hours 🥵

Anyways this'll be the last response for now cuz I gotta catch up on yesterday's too. But I'll be lurking for a while longer and then hopefully finally passing out lol

I hope you have a wonderful night and sleep well and have wonderfully lewd dreams (while I use your holes in your slee- I mean cuddle you; why not both? <3333) Take care of yourself and we'll talk more I hope as days get better!

Aweee aren’t you so sweet, already so addicted to me hm? ☺️💗 aghhh just the visual of us not being able to keep our hands off each other and not being able to wait till we got home, just pulling me into an alley because you’re throbbing for me<3333 pressing me against the brick of a building and bending me over, just to have me wrapped around you then and there🥰 going at it without a second thought<333 just giving pleasure to each other, all the time💗💗

God you seriously do 🥺💕 my pussy is just yours~

Hehe 💓👀 I won’t lie it took me a moment to answer because I’ve just been re reading it over and over again, especially the last one you sent;’) 💓 I have never rubbed my little cunt so much to something<333

And of course! Take your time<3 I just like reason you about it;’) just because I know I would probably be teasing you as much as I can in dms💕💕

I’m really glad you feel comfortable with me! I have to admit I do with you as well 🥺 and just so you know, you were the mutual;’) 💓💓 I was hinting at it but maybe I should’ve just told you were 👀💓

Ughhhhh listen if you jerked off to my pictures I’d probably marry you lmao<3333

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TURN ME ON SOOO MUCH 🥺💗💗💗 god how much I would love and give to be your slutty puppy<333 fingering me while you read all the dirty posts I like and share<3 or maybe even reading some of the dms I get to me, telling me how much all these older men wanna fuck me<333

Also ps- I missed you💓💓

[skayafair]

What is it with me being drawn to the most fucked up personalities ever 🤦‍♀️

Let's talk Hilbert, pt. 1

There was a post where I was totally freaking out in the tags but it's got buried in the drafts, so I'll just go off it here, but hopefully in a more constructive way. I really hope my mind didn't lose its ability to do this yet. Buckle up, this is going to be a long one. (I mean it.)

I want to rant about how wrong the accent sounds and how the character is yet another example of a distasteful trope in north american media, but the fuckheads in the government confirmed this trope in multiples so whatever. Besides, I can't really complain when the character turned out to be compelling and... well. "Complicated" would be a bit of an overstatement I think, but - complicated enough to spur some thoughts.

So my first thought was the one I started the post with, because after the first shock of Hilbert's mutiny settled and future episodes revealed more of his behaviour, backstory and character overall, I had to admit with a certain amount of inner horror (10% to 20%) and frustration (at least 80%) that yes. "Oops, I did it again".

I have a history with such personalities, feel drawn to them and have been really, really trying to stop this nonsense for a year, but. Uh. Looks like this code runs too deep to scoop it all out just like that, huh. Anyway, back to the topic.

Well, this time I at least know exactly why the character compels me so much. "Airlock, please."

I'll start with why I've grown to be okay with "mad evil russian scientist" trope - not because the above mentioned fuckheads in the Gov confirmed it (they did and I hate them and what they're doing but unfortunately can't do anything about it), any generalisation based on a trait like nationality, gender, race and so on is a very bad thing I don't want to participate in no matter the circumstance, - but because Hilbert was given an actual well-rounded personality, and, most of all, I can't help feeling tons of respect to it. He is pretty smart, after all - knows several languages, has a degree in molecular biology, and apparently AI programming is a walk in a park for him, although his skills in this department aren't as great compared to actual specialists (but then again Maxwell is in a league of her own and is far above most of her colleagues even, so everything is relative). Being this well-versed in a field not directly connected to his own and mastering several foreign languages is. Well - wow. I'd respect this alone.

Hm, I'll start again, from the beginning.

Hilbert turned out to be the character I felt more interest towards pretty soon (the other two being Hera and - later - Eiffel), probably after that joke about "people keep saying that, and yet my problems keep going away". There wasn't much time between the moment he stopped being just a comic relief and his betrayal, but that time was enough I guess. Because the very first thing that grabbed my attention and kept it till the end was just how easy he is to understand. Seriously, of all the characters - I can barely trace what they could potentially do or think, they aren't defined enough for me (and that's fine, I feel this way about most people), - but this one is crystal clear.

It's his whole... personality frame? the way he speaks and thinks? It's just very clear. Not always as logical as he'd like to believe, but close. Most things he says are very reasonable, and... ugh. I'll round back to this anyway, so better let the cat out of the bag right away: I'm ND, and I've seen some people headcanon him to be autistic, and I don't really have any better way of describing why he's so understandable to me. It's just the way neurodivergent people think - different for everyone, of course, and NTs can do this like that too (after all, there are SO MANY unintentionally autistic or ADHD characters out there), - but there are still patterns, and I recognize them here.

It's in his reasoning and actions before the Christmas "surprise" - mostly calm, collected, speaks very directly and straight to the point. He mostly keeps up this pattern even when he lies.

And then, once you learn where you stand with him - after the mutiny - you know. Even when he hides something, it's clear that he's keeping things. He has a very distinct moral code and follows it, so when lying has no point anymore, he doesn't. I don't think he lied to the crew after the initial betrayal at all? Idk, I may be forgetting things, listened to it just once yet save for the first 10 eps (because I can't get through the last one and went back to the beginning).

There's a kind of trust in this transparency. Yes, everyone knows that Hilbert knows far more than he tells and if he doesn't see a good reason to, he probably won't say a word he doesn't want to. But the fact is, you still know about that. It's obvious when something's missing, the spaces are glaring. I have a feeling he doesn't like lying all that much, or rather doesn't see the point of it unless it's strictly necessary. Why wasting the resources when you don't have to and can direct them to more pressing matters, like saving the humanity, am I right?

So that's two points. The third - one when I REALLY realized I'm stuck well and deep - was the "Airlock, please". No hesitation, nothing. Just a polite choice. That short line fucked me up well.

Because after his betrayal I was horrified. I like how the podcast doesn't let any terrible moments slip or stay "behind the scenes" - no, if there's a life threatening situation, the audience doesn't have the luxury of sitting it out safely unaware. We're going to experience and hear it all, "present day, present time". So when Minkowski was shut out of the ship in outer space, while Doug was desperately trying to come up with a solution, I obviously empathized with them. And all this time we were listening to the doctor, proceeding with his orders in the most cold-hearted manner possible. He heard it all, too, and didn't waver. This was terrifying and I honestly couldn't imagine how this character was going to be present for the most of the podcast - I wanted him dead, the sooner the better. And - as a parallel line of thinking - couldn't help feeling it was such a waste. I started liking this character, he was goofy but really easy to understand, and it's very nice to have someone like this. Obviously everything was going to change from that point.

But then. The way he went through all the interrogations, all the insults and mocking? And his fucking choice to die right away rather than to give away the information he didn't think was intended for his former crewmates? Before that answer I thought he was keeping his mouth shut because of the company only, fear of the higher-ups or something - he did follow their orders and threw away the lives of two people who weren't strangers to him, so it was a reasonable assumption! Minkowski seemed to think the same, judging by her remarks, but no. And that moment, that single answer turned my understanding of this character upside down. None of that dignity was just a show, he really meant it.

I realized he didn't fear for himself. At all. A complete disregard of self, was it? It seemed so that moment, and yeah, it was fucking compelling - the only thing that mattered was his work and his dedication to it. If it was only that, I wouldn't be typing all this though.

Before I continue, I'll note that even this trait - this dedication - is very relatable and understandable to me. Some years ago the only value I saw in myself was in what I loved to do the most - drawing and translation. I'm very mid level, and even this may very well be an overestimation of my skills, but those were the only things that mattered to me. If I didn't do them, what was even the point of me? I didn't feel I fully lived otherwise. I overcame this way of thinking as it is pretty damaging, but I still remember it perfectly. And I still need for what I do to matter. If I manage to make some positive impact on the world around, however small it may be, that would be enough, and that would be the only thing that matters after I'm gone. Hilbert though makes this approach absolute because of his trauma. So yeah, I have a lot of complicated feelings about this all at once. It's tragic, it's admirable, it's heartbreaking and feels like the only way at times, it should never happen.

I also know very well what it means to be able to disregard pretty much anything if I believe this is the right way or the aim to be important enough. I unintentionally made my friend cry once because of this and keep this memory as a reminder of why I should always try to see other POVs and a broader picture. The absolute, applied to human principles, is a bad idea in most cases.

Also, I like that he has a no-nonsense personality but regularly engages in said nonsense. I know in the first few episodes the creators just didn't understand where to go with the podcast yet and that's why everyone and everything is so different there, but I need for things to make sense in-universe, so I'm partial to the POV that Hilbert just put up an act and dropped it later. But still, he did participate in the crew's shenanigans and didn't seem to complain about it. And Funzo? Please, it was A DELIGHT. There was NOTHING, no reasons to take part in the game but he still did. The doctor is pretty goofy when he lets himself, huh? I like this fun part of his personality. The best sign the personality is still very much present.

[ivarlover]

UNDENIABLE PART 3 (Sequel to UNLEASHED)

Alex + Modern Ivar

Mentions of Female Reader + Hvitserk

This was supposed to be just a one-shot, but the story has come alive for me, and the need to write more can't be ignored. At this point, I have no idea how many chapters this will end up consiating of. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it! 🔥 This is the last chapter of Undeniable. However, there will be another sequel called Unexpected that I will hopefully be posting soon. After Unexpected is finished (& I have no idea how many chapters it will be), that will be the end of this roller coaster ride. This chapter has thoroughly kicked my ass! Hope it's worth it! 😘

Summary: During a hot weekend with your classmate, Alex, and his best friend, Ivar, the two of them had their own fun together. And now, it had turned into what looked like a confusing situation in the light of day. What did it all mean to them now? What would happen with their friendship? Can they move forward as friends or has all been lost? Is friends to lovers even a possibility at this point?

Inspired by a naughty conversation with a friend of mine. 😍 (You know who you are).

Warnings: This chapter: A little bit of heartache but also all the feels. Smut, Ivar being Ivar.

The sequel in general: Totally NSFW, Unprotected anal sex (male receiving), oral, male to male contact and more, heartbreak, and a bad case of the feels, and smut, with me, there is ALWAYS smut 🤣

Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!

*LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ON OR OFF OF THE TAG LIST*

Words: I don't know; there are many, many words 🤣

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It was finally here. The after-party was scheduled to begin in almost an hour, and there were already people arriving. You didn't know who the newlyweds were, but you were certain they had more money than you were accustomed to. They'd rented out the entire bar for only their guests, so it was closed to the public.

You watched as the bouncers continued to turn people away and how sad they looked learning they couldn't enter for a second night in a row. You couldn't help but to feel proud knowing your friends had accomplished this, of course, with your help. "I can't thank you enough for your help tonight, Y/N. Looks like we're going to need as much as we can get. Did you see how many people are already here?" Alex buzzed passed you, headed for more champagne.

"Alex, you're very welcome, but remember, you're the boss. Let us help and you, I don't know, you just stand here and look pretty. I got this. Which table gets the champagne?" He smiled his flirty smile at you and told you which table. "Yes, sir," you smiled back and headed toward the table.

"Y/N?"

"Yes?" you replied.

"I like it when you call me sir."

"Oh my God!" you blushed and punched him playfully in the chest.

"Nah, seriously, Y/N, thank you," he grinned proudly, "For everything."

You shrugged and went to work. It was almost weird for you, thinking about that hot weekend you'd had with him and Ivar. It was great but so much had changed so fast and now, all you really wanted was for him to be happy with Ivar like you knew he could be, like you knew he wanted. You made a mental note to have a heart to heart discussion with Ivar as soon as you found the chance. Alex and you had become really close friends really fast and you were determined to sort out this mess the two of them had made.

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"So much for me standing and looking pretty, huh?" Alex said as the two of you ended up at the bar at the same time for the first time all night. He was washing glasses beside you. "Damn, I think we needed more help."

"No. It's ok. Don't freak out now. Look at the time. We're almost at the end. Everyone is happy and having a good time," you reassured him.

"This has been one hell of a night! It's a good thing we closed the place to the public. There's no way we would have had enough space for more people," Alex laughed.

"Oh fuck!" Your heart completely stopped.

"What? Oh God, what is it?" Alex panicked.

You just pointed to the door. Ivar and Hvitserk were standing just inside it and you could see Hvitserk standing in front of him, clearly trying to hold him back. Ivar flung his arms around and shoved Hvitserk out of his way. He headed toward the bar and he made eye contact with you. He had a murderous look across his face that appeared to be directed at you and Alex.

"What the fuck is wrong with him? Doesn't he know how big this event is?" Alex was frozen in his spot.

"I got this. You go get Hvitserk and keep him with you. He doesn't even need to be in here!" You walked into the crowd and stopped in front of Ivar. "Ivar, this is not the time or the place."

"What's it fucking to you?" He slurred his words a little and as you got closer to him, you could smell alcohol on his breath. Just great. You had no idea what he was like when he's drunk or what he was capable of.

You began, a little sweeter than before. "Ivar, look around you. This place is full of people. People who paid you guys good money to be here. Don't ruin their wedding night. You know Alex will talk to you. Just wait until we close up later tonight and you sober up some."

He looked at you straight in the eyes and said one word, "No!" He managed to walk around you, or stumble was more like it, and went straight to where Alex stood at the bar, headed to Hvitserk.

You gave Alex an apologetic smile and went to Hvitserk yourself, praying the whole way that at least he was sober.

"So, that's it? We're done? It's all over before it even begins?" Ivar's voice was so harsh and cold.

Alex looked at him, sadly, "Ivar, are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not fucking drunk! I'm pissed! Answer my damn question, Alex!" As he got louder, people around them began to stare. "It's seriously all over before it even begins?"

Alex tried to calm him. He wasn't sure how to answer him in this state. "Ivar, let's go talk in the back and I..."

"Fuck no! Answer me here!"

Alex had seen him like this before, just never had it directed at him. He spoke quietly. "Ivar, we don't know what the future holds, but you have to recognize the timing is not in our favor right now."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Alex dropped his head. After the last couple of weeks he'd had, he couldn't believe he was shutting this down. "Ivar, please. Can we talk later? When everyone has left from here?"

Even in his drunken stuper, Ivar recognized the pain in Alex's face and he suddenly felt bad. Just as he was going to apologize, you and Hvitserk walked up.

"Hey, Ivar," you said, "Want to go with me to the office?" He looked at you with a funny smile. "Oh my God! No! Jesus! I meant for you to get some rest until everyone is gone."

He laughed and looked at Alex, who still seemed taken back by this entire situation. "Umm, yeah sure. I guess so," he answered, thinking only of Alex now.

As you walked him toward the office, you playfully smacked him in the shoulder and said, "You're such a pervert."

"Hey, I wasn't sure what you were offering," he replied and you punched him this time.

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"What the hell was that all about?" Hvitserk asked Alex as you and Ivar walked away.

Alex smiled. "Umm, long story. For another time."

"Right. Something tells me I don't even want to know."

"Yeah, probably not," Alex answered, laughing. Then he saw the serious look across Hvitserk's face. "What is it?"

"I'm just trying to figure things out here. How did you manage to make my baby brother so angry with you and yet so into you all at the same time?"

"Wait. What?" Alex was floored. He stumbled over his words, "I, I, umm, did no such a thing! Why would you even say that? You know we've been best friends for years, Hvitserk."

"Yes, I do, but this, this is more than just best friends. I've never seen him like that over any woman and Alex, you know he's been in love with one before." You both grimaced at the memory of her. "This is way deeper than friendship."

Alex tried to keep his composure. "You've never seen him act like what? I really don't know what you're talking about. He's not into me. He's just drunk."

Hvitserk was persistent, "Alex, you can knock off that innocent act with me. I know something happened with you guys, and don't worry. It doesn't bother me. As long as he's happy, I'm happy. And he is convinced he'll be happy with you."

Alex stood there in shock for a minute, trying to decide how best to answer. "Wow! I wasn't expecting that. Look, I'm not going to violate his trust like that. All I will say is our friendship took a turn that neither of us were expecting at all and now, we're just trying to navigate through the changes. It's difficult, Hvitserk."

"It's not, actually, Alex. When you feel that strongly about someone, that's major. You don't just let them slip away from you so easily. Especially if your feelings are as deep as his seem to be. All he talked about to me all afternoon was you and how he may have fucked up the first real, true thing he's ever found. I don't need details, man. I just need you to fix this. There's no reason the two of you should be suffering like this when you both clearly want the same thing. And if it's mom, don't worry about her. He can handle her. I promise you that."

"I, umm, I really don't know what to say." Hvitserk was one of the last people that Alex had ever expected to be so insightful or accepting of everything.

"You don't need to say anything, man. Not to me, at least. Just promise me you'll talk to him before you leave tonight."

Just as Alex started to answer, you walked up. "He pretty much passed out as soon as his head hit the sofa," you laughed, looking at the two of them. "Alex, you have to talk to him. Tonight."

"Ok, ok already. The two of you don't need to gang up on me! I plan on talking to him. I want to even," Alex smiled at their genuine concern.

You turned to Hvitserk, "Now, I can give you a ride home." Then you turned to Alex, "It's ok, right? I'll be right back. And don't worry, Hvitserk, Alex will be sure Ivar gets back home." You smiled.

Hvitserk put his hand up, "No, I'm fine. I don't want to leave. I'd really like to stay here with you guys. I can even help out with whatever you need." You and Alex both gave him a confused look. "Seriously, guys, it's not the alcohol that I have a problem with. It's umm, it's drugs. When I'm high is the only time I ever want to drink. You can ask Ivar. He understands this now. He drank most of the evening in front of me and it didn't bother me. It's my mom who didn't want to leave yet. She wanted to be sure I am seriously ok. Although, Y/N, I wouldn't mind you giving me 'that ride' a little later." He gave you that same shit eating grin of Ivar's.

"Oh my God! You're horrible!" You playfully smacked him on his arm.

"Yeah, but something tells me you like it," he continued to smile as you began to blush. Of course, he was right. There was definitely something about these Lothbrok boys that you couldn't get enough of.

"Ok, ok. Sorry to break up the relentless flirting, but we still have work to do," Alex interrupted them. "Hvitserk, if you're sure Ivar won't disown me for letting you stay, we definitely could use the extra help."

"I'm sure. Where do you want me, boss?" Alex rolled his eyes and put him and you to work but not before giving you very specific instructions to watch out for him, while he went to the back for more bottles of alcohol.

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The night was finally winding down. It had been almost two hours since Ivar had came in demanding answers from Alex and the place was thinning out. You had checked in on Ivar a few times and he'd just smiled and waved you off. Alex had sent you and Hvitserk to close off a section of the bar and begin having people move to the other side of the bar.

Alex was behind the bar, throwing out empty bottles. He was smiling at the success the evening had been. He'd just had the DJ do a last call and was happy that they'd be closing soon. He was more tired than he'd expected to be.

One of the bartenders alerted Alex that the office door was open so Alex told her, "I bet someone thought it was a bathroom. I'll be right back." He needed to go check that everything was ok with Ivar and to close the door back.

To his surprise, just as he got to the end of the bar, he ran straight into Ivar. It was like colliding with a brick wall. He'd forgotten just what a muscular body Ivar had. He wasn't sure how in the hell he'd forgotten but this was a nice, shocking reminder. "Oh, um, hey. I, uh, I was just headed to check on you."

"What for?" Ivar's voice was cold, but he was definitely sober now. Staring, his eyes piercing through Alex's, he asked, "If everything is over before it even began, then why bother?"

Alex felt sweat beads on his forehead. He looked up at Ivar and blushed when he saw just how sexy Ivar looked, even with his anger directed at him. "Ivar, umm, it..."

Ivar interrupted him before he could finish, "It wasn't over at all, was it?" He walked closer to Alex, pushing Alex backwards against the wall. He placed his left hand on the wall beside Alex's head. Alex panicked, not having a clue what was coming next. "And it still isn't over." He placed his right hand on Alex's cheek. Before Alex could say a word, he leaned in, pressing his body against Alex's, breathing heavily into Alex's stunned face and grazed his lips against Alex's, just lightly kissing him. He slowly pulled away and looked at Alex for reassurance. Alex's face was shocked but his lips were still puckered up and slightly parted, clearly waiting for more, as he leaned toward Ivar, chasing the kiss.

Alex was in a complete daze. Ivar leaned in again and tenderly kissed Alex on his lips once more, his heart racing, his chest heaving, his feelings undeniable. He kissed Alex as if it were the first time and the last time. As their lips pressed together heatedly, he couldn't get enough of this feeling that surged through his veins, this feeling of contentment, of overjoy. He held Alex's face between his hands as they became completely lost in eachother. They were the only ones in the room, hell, in the world. Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed, just the two of them and this loving, sensual kiss shared between them.

That is, until the clapping they heard from behind them. Ivar slowly pulled away from Alex and looked around, stunned. Several staff members and even a few guests were clapping and whistling and making cat calls. Alex immediately blushed, feeling the heat rushing to his face.

A little embarrassed, Ivar dropped his head. He looked back at Alex and then decided to make the best of it. He turned back to everyone and bowed before them and said, "'Thank you. Thank you, guys. Now, the show's over." He leaned back, laughing and a few people clapped again before going on about their business.

He grabbed Alex's hands and turned to look him straight in the eyes. Ivar then said to him, "Umm, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so umm, well, forward here in front of everyone but I couldn't help myself. I'm scared as hell to want you, so, so scared, but here I am, wanting you more and more every day. And umm, I'm, umm, I'm even more scared to lose you. How I feel is undeniable, Alex, and I can't do this to myself anymore." His eyes began to water and he dropped his head. His palms were sweaty. The anticipation of what Alex's response would be was almost too much to bear.

Squeezing Ivar's hands, Alex stared at Ivar in complete disbelief. He hadn't expected any of this. He'd really thought that giving Ivar space had really been what he wanted and needed. He put two fingers under Ivar's chin and pulled his head up to face him. "Hey, my feelings are actually undeniable, too, Ivar."

Alex felt a sense of relief run all through his body. He leaned to Ivar and closing the small gap between them, kissed him back quickly and then pulled away from him almost just as quickly as it had began. "Will you come back to my place when we're finished here so we can really talk? Just the two of us? And no interruptions. We have an audience here and I'd really rather talk when it's just the two of us." He then looked over Ivar's shoulders. "That is if Y/N can keep an eye on Hvitserk for you. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Look," and he pointed across the bar, behind Ivar.

When Ivar turned around, he saw you and Hvitserk on the other side of the bar, making out. He laughed and turned back to Alex, "He's always in competition with me." Alex laughed. "Yes, Alex, I'd really like to talk with you more when we're finished here. We have lots to discuss, I guess, huh?"

"Great! Guess I should get to work then," Alex finally exhaled. He hadn't realized that he'd pretty much been holding his breath, maybe for the last two weeks even. He didn't know what would happen, but he felt better than he'd felt since that weekend at your place.

"Ok, where do you need me?" Ivar asked and Alex put him to work out on the floor as he went back to working behind the bar.

The bartender who he'd spoken to earlier smiled at him. "What?" Alex asked her.

"Umm, nothing."

"That's not nothing. What are you all smiles about?"

"Umm, well, it's about time," she answered.

"That?" Alex really had no idea what she meant.

"Well, we've all been watching you two for some time now. We knew it was just a matter of time before the two of you got together. And I, personally, am glad."

Completely shocked, Alex asked her, "What? Are you serious? Is that what the clapping was all about?"

"Yes!"

"How did you all even know?" He was extremely surprised.

"Can I speak freely?"

"Of course," he answered her, placing the glasses back in their spot.

"Well, I think, literally, everyone knew except for the two of you, of course. Just the way you guys treat each other and speak to each other. True relationship goals, ya know? It's rather sweet. And since I know you both so well, it makes me very happy. The two of you deserve it," she patted him on the back. "So, do whatever you need to make it work. Something tells me you won't regret it, Alex."

Alex let that soak in as he finished up behind the bar. Had they been that obvious? Seemed like nearly everyone around them had noticed except for themselves. Apparently, neither of them were particularly good at hiding their emotions. He smiled to himself as he thought of it all and continued cleaning.

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They were finally in the car ride back to Alex's place. You had all too eagerly agreed to see to it that Hvitserk got home safely and all but jumped on Alex and Ivar for suggesting it.

The event had went well. The couple had thanked Alex and Ivar and said they were putting in a word for them with some of their well known associates. Only good things could come from this evening and it certainly called for a celebration.

Although, the Uber ride to Alex's was kind of quiet. Alex looked over and watched Ivar looking out the window and wondered what he was thinking. He tried not to be a paranoid idiot but he couldn't help it. What if he was having second thoughts about everything? What if the staff in the bar had embarrassed him and he realized this was something he couldn't do? Alex knew Y/N had been right about the need for them to defend anything that may happen between them. Maybe it would be too much for Ivar. He wanted to ask him about it but he didn't want to begin a conversation like that in the Uber.

As if instinctively knowing what was going through Alex's mind, or maybe just from feeling him stare, Ivar looked over to Alex. He saw the concerned look on Alex's face and just placed his hand on top of Alex's, that was sitting in the seat between them, and gave it a gentle squeeze. He sweetly smiled at Alex and said, "We've come a long way umm, since that first night, umm, that we opened the bar, Alex. I'm so happy where we've ended up so far and umm, extremely excited to see what happens from here." He winked at Alex and Alex couldn't help but smile with relief.

Well, that was obviously nothing to do with the bar and everything to do with their current situation. Alex took a mental note to try to stop expecting the worst. He knew it would be a challenge but he also knew he just needed to let go of his fears.

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Once they were inside Alex's place, he kicked his shoes off at the door and headed to the kitchen. "Hey, would you like beer, wine, or liquor? I think we've earned ourselves a celebration, don't you?"

Ivar loved that he still felt so welcomed as he took his jacket off and hung it up by the door. "I'll take a beer," he answered, following behind Alex. "And did my pig of a brother eat all of that pizza last night or do you still have some? I'm actually a little hungry."

"There's definitely still pizza. I'm not sure why Y/N ordered so much for just two of us but I guess it's a good thing she did because I'm kind of hungry, too," Alex answered, pulling the pizza and two beers from the refrigerator. "Help yourself. You know where the plates and everything are. I have got to go take a shower before I can feel comfortable enough to eat or even talk at this point."

Ivar looked at him, smiling. "What?" Alex asked him.

"Nothing. Umm, I'm just glad it's still the same with us," Ivar blushed a little.

"I'd have it no other way, Ivar. And umm, if you want a shower when I'm done, you're more than welcomed."

"Aww, you mean I have to wait for you to finish first?" Ivar flirted. Alex gave him a serious look that said now wasn't the time to be naughty. Ivar coughed and straightened up, "I'm umm, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, man."

"It's ok. I'm not uncomfortable. I umm, I just feel like we really need to have that talk. I'll be back. Please, make yourself at home."

As Ivar set about warming his pizza, he thought about the conversation they desperately needed to have. His palms were sweaty and his heart was racing. For a moment, he felt more nervous about this than he had about being intimate with Alex and he knew that definitely said a lot. However, he knew he could do it. He had to get everything out in the open and off of his chest.

Ivar went ahead and warmed up Alex's food, too, and set their plates on the table. He got himself another beer and went to put some music on in the living room. The silence was deafening to him right now.

Just as he was finishing his second beer, Alex came through in sweats and a white t-shirt. As Ivar looked over to him, he realized just how much he liked this look on Alex. "Hey, I've already got your plate here at the table with mine. Come eat."

Alex looked at Ivar's still very full plate. He asked, as he sat down with him, "Why haven't you eaten your food yet?"

"Well, I knew you wouldn't be too long so I just figured I'd wait for you." Ivar warmly smiled.

They ate and talked about the after party and all the highlights of the evening. They discussed Y/N and Hvitserk and laughed at how into you he seemed to be. They laughed and drank and talked a little about almost everything. Everything except for the one thing they needed to. It seemed the elephant in the room couldn't get any bigger.

Alex stood up to take the plates to the sink and Ivar stopped him. "I've got this. You've already worked too hard tonight."Alex gave him a curious look. "Don't look at me like that. Go. Go get comfortable on the sofa and rest your feet. I said I've got this."

Holding his hands up in mocked defeat, Alex played, "Ok, ok. You've got it. I understand. And Ivar, thank you."

Alex went to the sofa as instructed and waited for Ivar to join him, mind wandering out of control.

Moments later, Ivar sat down beside Alex with two more beers. Handing one to Alex, he smiled softly. They sat there in silence for a few minutes with nothing but soft music playing in the background.

Alex felt nervous and glanced over at Ivar only to find him nervously glancing back at him. At the same time, they both began to speak.

"Alex,"

"Ivar,"

Simultaneously saying each other's name, they laughed. "Do you mind if I go first, Alex? I really need to say what's eating away at me. Umm, before I lose my nerve."

Alex gestured to Ivar, "The floor's all yours."

Alex shifting in his seat, Ivar's voice small, Ivar began, as he looked straight into Alex's eyes. "Alex, I know I already said this, but I am truly sorry for hurting you. It really wasn't my intentions. That night," he dropped his head and swallowed thickly. Clearing his throat and looking back at Alex, he continued, "That night at Y/N's everything took me by surprise. You've always meant the world to me so I never thought anything about it. And when you first touched me," Ivar coughed, "I felt a surge of emotions. And umm, I decided to listen to Y/N. She was right. As soon as I got out of my head, she was right. But Alex, I certainly wasn't expecting everything else." He stopped, trying to gather his thoughts to be sure he expressed himself the way he wanted to.

Alex felt uncertain of where this was going but he sat back and waited, giving Ivar the time he needed. It was worth it. Ivar was worth it.

Ivar sighed and began again. "Forgive me, Alex. I just don't want to fuck this up. I, umm, I was so confused. I've been with other people before. You know this. Even with women who meant a lot to me. But you and I, we connected on a level that I've never experienced before in my life. Sure, the sex was amazing," he blushed, and sweat beads began to form on his forehead, "But I never expected the emotions that came along with it. It confused me. It scared me. It..." he was cut off.

Alex interrupted him, "It's ok, Ivar. You don't have to..."

Ivar reached up and gently placed his finger over Alex's mouth. "Shhh," he smiled. He scooted closer to Alex and grabbed both of his hands and held them in his lap, rubbing his thumbs over the back of them. Alex's heart rate sped up so quickly, he was sure Ivar could feel it in his hands. "It terrified me, Alex, and I'm still terrified but, umm, now I know why. I-I'm terrified to actually love someone this much, much more than I've ever loved anyone else before, and there be the possibility that the feelings are not mutual."

He placed his hand on Alex's cheek as a single tear ran down it that he caught and wiped away. "I'm terrified of what it means to give myself to you wholeheartedly, heart, mind, body, and soul, and maybe be rejected in return. I'm terrified to love you, Alex, and the possibility of losing you over it, but, umm, Alex," he slid closer to Alex on the sofa and leaned in closer to his face and held it between both of his hands, staring deeply into his eyes, "I'm even more terrified of walking out that door without ever trying to give us a shot, without ever telling you how I feel. Because that's just it. I love you, Alex. I'm in love with you. I know that now. My feelings for you are undeniable. I love you, and I've always loved you. I want to shout it from the rooftops! I can't hide it any longer. I have never felt like this about anyone else in my life before, Love. When I'm with you I feel like I'm whole, like that empty, black hole in my heart is finally full. I've never known love this pure before, Alex. I want to share my everything with you!"

Ivar was trembling all over. He couldn't remember another time when he'd been this completely scared to his core or this vulnerable to another. He was a ball of emotions as a tear began to roll down his cheeks.

Alex sat in silence for a moment, trying to take it all in. He was in a daze and completely stunned at Ivar's admission. This was intense and probably even more intimate than he and Ivar had been yet. He knew just how big this was for him, for them. He worried his heart would burst from his chest before he could could even say anything. He tried to gather his thoughts and make some coherent response. He stared blankly at Ivar, missing the panic as it stretched across Ivar's face.

Ivar took his silence as rejection and began to pull away from Alex immediately, his heart beginning to crumble. "Oh. Umm," he dropped his hands from Alex's face and his body stiffened, "Alex, I'm umm, fuck, I-I'm sorry. I'll umm, I'll go..."

Just then, it registered with Alex what Ivar thought was happening. As Ivar's eyes began to water up even more, Alex placed his hands on either side of his face and pulled him to him. His soft lips reaching Ivar's, his kiss cut Ivar off in mid sentence. He tenderly kissed Ivar, it taking a moment for Ivar to catch up to what was happening and kiss him back. Alex's hands quickly wrapped around Ivar's shoulders, and he held him tightly as he pulled away from their kiss and buried his face in Ivar's neck.

He stayed there for a moment, breathing Ivar in, before pulling away and facing him. He saw Ivar's worried look and said, "Ivar, you don't know how relieved I am." He moved a strand of Ivar's hair away from his face. "Ivar, umm, I-I am in love with you, too. I love you more than anything in this world," he smiled warmly. "And umm," Alex dropped his head as he felt the blush color his face, "I've known it for quite some time."

Ivar was just as stunned as Alex had been. His heart swelled in his chest and bubbled over into tears that steady streamed down his face. He tried to catch his breath as he spoke, "Alex, oh my God. Alex, I never knew. Are we really this fucking lucky?" He cupped Alex's cheek in complete disbelief and smiled through his tears, finally taking a deep breath. "I can't remember the last time I was this fucking happy. I have been so fucking scared I was going to lose you over this."

He pulled Alex in for a tight hug and they could feel the hard thumping of their combined heartbeat. They sat, reveling in eachother's arms for several minutes before Alex finally spoke.

Alex laughed and said, "We've really tortured eachother these last two weeks, huh?"

Ivar broke their embrace and looked Alex in the eyes and said, "Alex, promise me that whatever happens from here on out, wherever we end up, we will always be honest to eachother about everything. We're going to have big enough issues defending our love fron the very beginning so as long as we have open communication, that's one less thing to worry about." Alex smiled at him with pride.

"Oh wait. Fuck! I'm sorry, Alex. I just automatically assumed that we'd be together after all of this. I realize I should ask you how you feel about any of that. So," Ivar combed through his hair nervously with his hand, "Where does this leave us? What's next for us?" Ivar was still so nervous. This seriously was all so new.

Alex smiled at him. "Ivar, I am all yours. I love you, and I want nothing more than to be with you. Officially. That is, if you'll have me." Alex couldn't help the singe of fear that coursed through his veins. He knew what Ivar had just told him but it almost seemed too good to be true. He was still insanely scared.

Ivar's smile stretched widely across his face, "Of course I want to be with you, too! 'If I'll have you,' " he mocked Alex, "Are you serious? I'll happily "have" you," he gave his devilish grin, "In every way possible, Alex."

Alex blushed but leaned in to kiss Ivar again. Just as he deepened the kiss, Ivar pulled away from him. "Umm, Alex? This is going to sound kind of twisted coming from me, I know, but.."

Alex interrupted him, "I like you twisted, preferably twisted naked between my sheets," he gave a mischievous smile.

Ivar couldn't help but smile back at that. "I'm serious, Alex. I-I umm, I feel like maybe we should take things a little slow."

Alex gave Ivar a gentle kiss on his forehead before pulling away to rest his forehead on Ivar's. "What worries you, Ivar? We've already went all the way. We know we connect in the bedroom as well. Am I missing something?" He tried not to panic before hearing Ivar's reasoning but it was definitely easier said than done.

"Well," Ivar began, "It's not necessarily that I'm worried. I can't even believe I'm going to say this, but umm, I just want to be sure that everything isn't based solely on sex. We have so many new aspects of our relationship to explore and develop and I want to build our emotional connection as well as the physical one. You see the best in me and I want to give you my very best."

Ivar gently placed his hand on Alex's cheek and Alex could feel his warm hand trembling. "I need you to know that I have never had that kind of sexual experience before. And I don't just mean by being with a man, Alex," he grinned. "I've never felt so connected on such a deep level, especially not during sex. It was quite intense and some of the best sex I've ever had." He felt himself blushing but continued, "And Alex, I want that to be the same in other aspects of our relationship, too. I want to spend my days doing nothing but making you happy and showing you how much I truly, deeply love you."

Ivar looked at Alex for understanding and followed up, "I just wanted to be sure you know this has nothing to do with our sex not being fulfilling because it is, more than words can properly explain. I just want to also express my love for you in other ways as well and think we should just take our time."

This was a first for Ivar. He shocked himself at just how true this feeling was and even more that he was so openly and honestly telling Alex, but this was the very reason he wanted to be with Alex. He knew he wouldn't be judged for being so honest. For one of the very few times in his life, sex wasn't the priority and this was why he knew that this immense feeling was real.

Alex grabbed Ivar's hand, still pressed against his cheek, and pulled it to his mouth. He gently kissed the back of it before looking back at Ivar. "And this, my dearest Ivar, is exactly why I love you so. You always look out for me, for us. You just want what's best for us and I appreciate that. Of course, I'm ok taking things slow," he felt his heart was going to explode out of his chest. "However, it may be a little difficult sometimes," he said as his eyes quickly scanned over Ivar's hard body, "Because, damn! Look at you," he gave his best flirty smile. He hadn't been ready for Ivar to say all of this and he'd be lieing if he said he wasn't blown away by it. He leaned over, hugged Ivar, and kissed him on his cheek.

Ivar felt better having said everything he needed to. He was still in disbelief that this was real. He looked at Alex, who was still smiling from ear to ear even though he still had a look of worry on his face. "So? What's that concered look on your face, still?"

As Alex pulled away, he answered him, "Ivar, I do have a question. What about your mom? And what about everything with Hvitserk? That's why I stopped everything last night. Your mom was clearly way too perceptive and was not happy about what she suspected. I know you have a lot of responsibility right now with your family, and I understand that. I just don't want to make things even harder on you, Ivar. I'd hate for you to resent me."

Giving a gentle, sweet smile, Ivar began, "Alex, that's so sweet of you but please, don't worry about my mom. When she sees how happy I am with you, she'll be fine with it. It may take her a minute to adjust but she honestly just wants her boys to be happy. And for whatever reason, if she can't accept you as my choice, then she'll quickly realize how serious I am about you because I definitely won't lose you over her prejudices. This is my life and she'll have to accept that. Don't worry."

Alex's eyes widened at Ivar's words. He was a bit surprised but he'd be lying if he didn't admit that he was really relieved. "What about Hvitserk, Ivar? I know he needs you right now."

"Hvitserk is the reason I got my nerve to come to the club tonight. He understands and just wants me to be happy. His problem is controllable and he will probably stay with me for a while even once mom returns home. He needs to make new friends and stay away from those losers back home. He will be ok, Alex. It's just, being with mom makes him a little crazy. I'm sure you can see why," Ivar laughed. "Being here will be good for him. Don't worry about him. I promise I could never resent you." Ivar smiled sincerely. He could hear Alex's sigh of relief. "So? What next?"

Alex grabbed the TV control from the table, "I was tired, but now I'm wide awake. If you're not sleepy yet, how about a little Netflix and chill? Do you need another beer?"

Ivar smiled with pride, happy to see their relationship was otherwise the same as always, "No, I'm good with this one still."

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Alex settled on the sofa, and they found a good movie to watch. Ivar looked over to him and decided to move closer. He rested his head on Alex's shoulder and looked up at him, "Is this ok?" he asked.

"Of course it is," Alex responded, kissing Ivar on top of his head and his arm coming to rest around Ivar's shoulders. Holding him snug, they cuddled together in front of the TV.

They began watching the movie, and it all just felt so natural for them to be together this way.

As he felt Ivar's breath against his his chest and Ivar's muscles beneath his shirt as he gently rubbed his back, Alex was a little too distracted to really pay much attention to the movie, but he didn't say anything. The feeling was nice.

After a few minutes, Ivar looked up to Alex, smiled sweetly, and just stared.

"What? Do I have food on my face or something?" Alex laughed.

"No," Ivar laughed, "It's nothing. I-I'm just happy," he smiled a smile that melted Alex's heart.

Alex couldn't resist that smile and placed his left hand under Ivar's chin and pulled his face up some toward him and leaned down, and kissed him. It was a gentle, quick kiss, and he pulled away from Ivar.

Ivar felt a little dizzy as if he'd been spinning in circles. He sat up beside Alex and looked over to him, his heartbeat quickening. Alex looked back at him, "Seriously, what is it? What?"

Ivar leaned over Alex's body and, with his right hand, pulled Alex's face closer to him and kissed him back passionately. It was slow at first but rapidly changed to a more heated kiss, his hands roaming down Alex's chest.

Reluctantly, Alex pulled away from him. "Hey, as much as I love this, I think we need to stop. I want to respect your wishes, Ivar, and I'm not so sure I can if you continue kissing me like that."

Feeling heat surge through his body, Alex straightened up and sat back on the sofa a little futher away from Ivar so he could catch his breath, desperately trying to ignore how he was feeling. "Umm, what is this movie even about again?" he nervously laughed.

Ivar sat there in his thoughts for a moment. He looked over at Alex, who was fumbling with the remote control. The more he watched him, the more he was sure of his next actions.

He slid over on the sofa closer to Alex yet again. Alex looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, trying not to be affected by his proximity.

"Oh, fuck this!" Ivar practically cried out. He leaned over to Alex and grabbed him with both hands, pulling him so close that he could feel the heat radiating from Alex's skin. Ivar's heart raced with anticipation as he quickly picked Alex up before Alex even knew what was happening, and swiftly sat him in his own lap so that Alex was straddling him and facing him

Alex's eyes widened as he was completely caught off guard by Ivar's strength. "What the..." and before he could finish his sentence, Ivar's lips crashed into his, his hand going to the back if Alex's neck and holding him firmly. They embraced as the kiss intensified, Ivar's arm wrapping tightly around Alex's waist.

Alex broke the kiss and leaned away from Ivar. Confused, he brought his hand to Ivar's cheek and began, "Ivar, I thought you said you wanted to take things slowly. I can't be with you this way and not want more. You.. umm, you're just too much for me to resist." Feeling defeated, he looked down.

Ivar looked up at him, catching his eye again, and flashed his devilish grin. "Good!" he laughed. "I can't resist you, either, love. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking saying we should take things slowly. Fuck that! I want you. Now." His eyes had an almost pleading look in them as he waited for Alex's response.

Excitedly, Alex grinned, "Then, take me. I'm all yours."

Ivar didn't hesitate for another moment. He grabbed Alex on his hips and squeezed. His hands then slowly traveled up Alex's sides and back to his waist, giving him goosebumps. He slipped his hands just under Alex's shirt and marveled for a moment at Alex's hard, muscular chest as his hands explored it. "Damn, Alex. You have so many muscles. I want to count them."

Alex looked down at him quizzically. Ivar smiled and answered his questioning look, "With my tongue."

Alex dropped his head backward, laughing but quickly stopped and looked back to Ivar as he felt Ivar lift his shirt up. Leaning forward, Ivar placed his hot, wet lips on Alex's stomach, just beside his navel, and began to softly kiss him. Alex felt buttflies doing somersaults with each kiss from Ivar's moist lips.

Looking up at Alex, into his eyes, Ivar pushed his shirt up higher and trailed his tongue slowly up Alex's chest behind his shirt, all the while, never losing their eye contact. "Damn, I lost count of your muscles. I'm not very good at math. Guess I'll have to try again."

"Oh fuck!" Alex placed both of his hands on Ivar's head and intertwined his fingers in his hair. He gave a little tug and Ivar bit him on his nipple. Alex moaned out in erotic pleasure.

In his most sultry voice, Ivar said, "That's it, love. Let me know you like it."

"You've ruined me. I was a good boy," Alex panted, "That is before we started all this."

Ivar pulled his mouth slightly away from Alex's skin. "Oh? I can stop then," he teased.

"No the fuck you can't!"

Ivar nodded, "That's what I thought." He yanked Alex's t-shirt up and completely off of him and dropped it in the floor as Alex shivered. "Now, where were we?"

Once again, Ivar began tracing Alex's muscles with his tongue. He looked up at Alex who was struggling to sit still in his lap. He grabbed him by his waist and held him tightly as Alex moaned. Ivar pulled Alex until he was leaning over him, his chest heaving, and he began kissing Alex's collarbone up to his neck. As he gave a gentle nibble, he felt Alex's entire body jolt in his hands. "Fuck! Take me, Ivar!" Alex panted. "You're driving me crazy. I.. fuck, I want you so badly. Now!"

Alex began to untie his sweats and Ivar removed his mouth from his neck and placed his hand over Alex's, stopping him. "No, not here, love." Alex looked at him, confused. "Hold onto me," Ivar began to slide forward to the edge of the sofa and Alex wrapped his arms tightly around him, not sure what Ivar was doing. Ivar placed his hands under Alex and before Alex knew what was even happening, Ivar stood up.

"Oh hell!" Alex exclaimed, his heart beating harder from the excitement and his legs interlocking around Ivar's hips. Ivar smiled and began to take a step. "You sure I'm not too heavy? You, you don't need me to walk?"

Ivar flashed his devious smile, "Where's the fun in that?" Alex gulped and before he knew it, Ivar slammed him against the living room wall that was behind them.

"Holy shit!" Alex gasped.

Still holding onto Alex tightly, Ivar pressed his body against Alex's and his lips ghosted over Alex's mouth, breathing him in. Ivar signed in enjoyment. Alex's eyes rolled into the back of his head as his back arched. Ivar began kissing up his neck again, sending chills all over Alex's body. Alex pulled Ivar's shirt up and gently caressed his hard body, reveling in the feel of it.

Ivar slowly made his way to Alex's mouth and sucked Alex's tongue into his own mouth as Alex whimpered. The kiss took his breath away. Somehow, everything felt different than the last time, more passionate, more intimate and Alex was taken back at this realization. He wasn't quite sure what it was or why, but he was enjoying every second of it.

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With his hands still tightly on Alex's ass, Ivar broke their kiss, nearly out of breath. "As much as I'm enjoying my hands full of ass here, I need to touch you. Are you holding onto me tightly enough?"

Alex studdered, "I..Ivar, this really isn't necessary. I, umm, I can walk."

"Shut up and hold on!" IvaYr demanded. With Alex still in his arms, Ivar swiftly pulled Alex off of the wall and began to walk with ease again, headed toward Alex's room. Alex eyes widened. He was blown away by Ivar's strength. He always knew he was strong, but this was insane.

As Ivar approached Alex's bed, he leaned over it and laid Alex down with a thud. Alex looked up at him in dismay and Ivar grinned down at him. "Sorry," he nearly whispered. He hovered over Alex for a few moments, looking him deeply in his eyes but saying nothing. Alex began to squirm with anticipation and swallowed loudly. Ivar leaned back and told him, "I.. umm, I'm sorry, Alex. I need to use your restroom. Don't move. I'll be right back."

This was perfect for Alex. You had given him some of your muscle relaxing, dilating tablets that they'd used at your place, saying how he'd need them more than you and now he was certainly glad for it. He quickly crawled up his bed to his night stand and grabbed them from the drawer and the bottle of water he had sitting there from the night before and took some. He was a little surprised at how nervous he felt but his excitement was much stronger. He then laid back against pillows propped on his headboard and impatiently waited for Ivar to return.

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With both hands on each side of the bathroom sink, Ivar leaned forward and looked at himself in the mirror. What the fuck was wrong? He couldn't figure out what was going on or why his nerves were suddenly so shot. Turning the faucet on, he splashed cold water in his face and rubbed his hands over it. "Get a fucking grip, dumbass!" he said to himself, "It's just Alex."

Ivar walked back into Alex's bedroom where he saw Alex waiting on the bed, shirtless, still, and quite beautiful. He gulped as Alex looked up at him with his bedroom eyes and patted the bed beside him. "You planning on joining me or are you just going to stand there? You like what you see?" Alex flirted and smiled widely.

Ivar swallowed, "Obviously." He crawled up the bed to Ivar's side and laid beside him. His voice shaking, "I.. umm, I love you." His heart was pounding.

Alex turned to his left, facing Ivar. He moved his right arm across Ivar's body and cupped his cheek. "And I," he smiled, "Love you." He straddled Ivar and Ivar's eyes widened. Alex leaned down to kiss him while his hands found their way to the bottom of Ivar's shirt. As Alex leaned away from him, he pulled Ivar's shirt up and over his head. "We won't be needing this." He threw it somewhere behind him.

Ivar nervously smiled and placed his hands on Alex's hips. Alex looked him directly in the eyes, "It's ok. Calm down. It's just me." Ivar felt his face blush, surprised Alex had sensed his nervousness but almost relieved.

Alex leaned down and began kissing Ivar's neck. He trailed wet kisses down his neck and to his collarbone as his hands ran over his firm chest muscles.

Ivar's breathing picked up and Alex smiled as he continued with his gentle pecks. As he began kissing his chest, Ivar's hands started rubbing Alex's back.

Alex started to undo Ivar's pants as he looked up at Ivar. He saw the stressed look across his face and sat up, moving his hands away. "Hey, did you change your mind? We don't have to do this, ya know. I wont be upset."

Ivar grabbed his hands and held them. "No, that's not it. I.. I want this. I wa..want you."

"Then what is it, Ivar? Talk to me. I don't want to do anything you have seconds thoughts about." Alex's concern outweighed his desire.

"Fuck! I don't know. I just, umm, I'm nervous."

Alex smiled, "With me? Why? We know this is good." He motioned between them, "Really good, remember?" he sheepishly smiled again.

"It's just, do you know how long it's been since I've been with someone that I was in love with, Alex?"

Alex couldn't help but smile at how sweet he found Ivar's concern. Always wanting to please. He remembered how very different it was seeing this vulnerable side of Ivar and his smile softened and widened even more. Then he saw the seriousness in Ivar's eyes and tried to comfort him. Rubbing his hands, that Ivar still had in Alex's, he answered,"Yes, Ivar. It's been two weeks," and he winked.

Ivar actually smiled at this. He hadn't thought of it like that. It's just that he felt so intimidated. "I-I'm just worried that I, I'm gonna fuck it all up." He ran his hand over his face as he sighed.

Alex placed his hand over Ivar's heart. "Look. This is all that matters. The only way you can fuck this up is if you fuck me and leave me," Alex grimaced. "And you're stuck with me now. I'm not letting you leave me again. You are what matters. Not the sex. If you want to wait, we can. If you want to continue, we can. But Ivar, if we continue, you have to get out of your head. Stop worrying. My feelings for you will never change based on the quality or volume of sex we have. Or don't," Alex smiled sweetly at him, hoping he'd eased some of his worry.

"I'm sorry, love. I, umm, I guess I just needed reassurance. This is just too fucking good to be true." Alex couldn't believe how nervous Ivar was. He squeezed his hands and brought them to his mouth, kissing his knuckles.

As Ivar looked up into Alex's beautiful face, he felt his heart skip a beat. This beautiful creature sitting in his lap was actually in love with him. What had he done to deserve such an amazing person? As his eyes followed the shape of Alex's body, the definition of his chest and arm muscles, the warm smile on his face, the love he held in his eyes, his hesitation slowly began to disappear and his nervousness somewhat subsided. He knew it would still be there in the back of his mind but he was determined to ignore the small voice in his head telling him he wasn't good enough. He loved this man. He wanted this man. And he was going to show him just how much.

Just as Alex began to say something, Ivar sat straight up so he could reach Alex's lips. He put his arms underneath Alex's armpits, pulling him closer, and grabbed Alex's head from behind. Pushing his face closer, he planted a hungry kiss on Alex's mouth, sucking his lips and entering his tongue to, again, play chase with Alex's. As the moment grew more intense, Ivar couldn't believe he'd even been so worried. This is right where he was meant to be.

His courage growing, Ivar quickly turned, still holding Alex tightly against himself, and rolled Alex over onto his back, falling roughly halfway beside Alex and halfway on top of him.

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Words escaped Alex's lips as Ivar leaned over him and gently kissed him but he quickly pulled away as panic spread across his face. "Alex!" his voice cracked, "We can't do this! It's way too soon to do this without any of those tablets of Y/N's! Oh fuck! It will not be pleasant for you at all, love."

Alex laughed, pulling Ivar back to his mouth and kissed him as Ivar pulled away again. "Alex, seriously. We can't make..."

Alex placed his finger over Ivar's mouth. "Calm down, you fucking protective sweetheart!" Alex grinned, his heart bubbling over with joy at Ivar's thoughtfulness. "It's ok. Y/N gave them to me the other night! I already took them when you went to the bathroom earlier. I also have plenty of lube." He felt Ivar instantly relax.

"Aww, thank fuck," Ivar looked relieved. "You should have started with that. Next time start with that. Fuck!" He wiped the sweat from his brow, "So when will you be, umm, ready?" he shyly asked, blushing again.

Alex smiled, "I already am!"

With a smile on his face, Ivar leaned down and began softly kissing Alex on his neck. It was as if Ivar's soft lips were massaging his skin that literally felt like it was on fire, and his tongue was savoring the taste of him with every painfully slow lick.

As Ivar's wet, erotic kisses slowly traveled down to Alex's chest, he looked up to Alex and their eyes locked in a steamy hot gaze of desire. Alex felt his heart began to race as Ivar's kisses trailed lower and lower over his torso, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

Ivar placed his right hand gently on Alex's chest as just his fingertips ghosted over his hot skin. His touch was electric. Never breaking their gaze, he slowly, barely, rubbed Alex's abdomen up and down while holding his weight on his left arm and continuing with his kisses.

Alex's hands combed through Ivar's hair as one grabbed a handful and gently tugged, and the other found Ivar's shoulders and squeezed. Ivar smiled into Alex's chest as he continued lower.

As Ivar reached Alex's waist, he grabbed the drawstring to Alex's sweats with his teeth and held it in his mouth. Alex loudly gulped. Ivar began to pull the drawstring until he untied the sweats. Smiling from ear to ear, he looked up at Alex. Winking, he asked, "Do you still want me, love?"

Alex's heart began to pound and between his heavy panting, he answered, "Fuck! That was so fucking hot! I have never wanted anything or anyone more."

Ivar quickly raised himself to his knees. With Alex lifting his body from the bed, Ivar slid Alex's sweats completely off of him and instantly dropped them to the floor, licking his lips.

Alex blushed as Ivar scanned his body with his eyes. His hands automatically went to cover himself, but Ivar caught them and laid them to either side of him on the bed. "That won't be necessary, love. Trust me when I say, I like what I see," Ivar smirked.

Intertwining his fingers with Alex's, he bent Alex's arms back so that his hands were beside his head. He slowly crawled over Alex's body, their eyes locked in a gaze of pure desire, as Alex's breathing began to speed up, and his hands in Ivar's grip squeezed tightly.

As Ivar hovered over Alex, his hand slowly trailed over Alex's chest, lightly and softly grazing him with his fingertips, igniting flames of passion all over every inch of Alex's body. As he reached Alex's stomach, he broke their enchanted kiss and whispered in his ear, "You're sure you still want to do this, right?" and he nibbled Alex's ear, sending chills down his spine.

He held Alex's hands there as he leaned down to kiss Alex. Alex felt as if he would melt into the bed as their lips met with a fiery passion. The way their tongues danced together, the sensation of their lips touching and caressing eachother, the warmth of their breath on one another, and the closeness of their bodies, skin on skin, made them become as one as they were lost in the moment, consumed by their heated passion. It was as if they were the only two people in the world, and absolutely nothing else mattered at this moment.

Alex moaned, "Of course! Absolutely!"

"You know the drill. You tell me if that changes."

Alex only nodded his head, unable to speak any longer. Every touch from Ivar's warm hands to Alex's hot body felt electric to Alex.

Ivar moved his hand further down until he finally reached Alex's already hard, throbing dick. Staring directly into Alex's eyes, he wrapped his warm hand around it and gently squeezed. He began pumping his fist up and down around it while watching Alex's eyes roll into the back of his head.

Alex whimpered when Ivar leaned back down and began kissing up his neck. Breathing heavily into Alex's ear, he asked, "Where's the lube, love?"

Alex pointed to the nightstand beside his bed. Ivar removed his hand and mouth from Alex and leaned over him to the nightstand. As he did, Alex rubbed his hands down Ivar's chest, admiring the feel, to his waist. He began to undo Ivar's pants while he leaned up and licked his collar bone. Ivar jolted, and Alex smiled. He nibbled on Ivar's shoulder and his plump lips, then kissed over the marks he left. Ivar hummed in delight.

Alex began sliding Ivar's pants down and as he reveled Ivar's ass, he grabbed his cheeks and squeezed before giving his ass a slap, sending chills over Ivar's body.

Ivar helped take his pants the rest of the way off, and suddenly, he felt nervous again. "I, umm, I want to make this perfect, Alex." He felt himself beginning to panic.

Alex placed his hands on each side of Ivar's face and looking him deeply in the eyes, said, "It already is, Ivar." He softly kissed Ivar and smiled as he pulled away from him, "Shhhh, stop worrying."

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Ivar gave Alex a pillow and nervously told him, "Facing me again, ok?"

Alex placed the pillow underneath himself and laid back again. "Definitely. I have to see you."

Grinning, Ivar sat back on his knees again, in front of Alex's widespread legs, and squeezed the lube into his hands. He coated himself with the lube, spreading it, very generously, all over his very hard cock. Looking at Alex, he gave himself very slow, tantalizing strokes as Alex whimpered.

Alex bit his bottom lip as he watched. He leaned up again and softly said to Ivar, "I want a taste." Not giving Ivar an opportunity to respond, he forcefully pushed him backwards and yanked his feet out from under him.

Ivar started to protest but as he opened his mouth to speak, Alex shoved two of his fingers into Ivar's mouth. Ivar's eyes widened but he began to suck them.

Alex flinched and leaned forward to face Ivar's cock. Wasting no time, he sucked the tip of Ivar's dick into his mouth. Ivar squeezed his eyes shut and his breathing began to pick up.

Alex twirled his tongue around Ivar as Ivar began to squirm. Then Alex took as much of him as he could into his mouth and began bobbing his head up and down as his hand found the base of Ivar and started to pump up and down in sync with his mouth.

Ivar was completely consumed by the moment. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he lost track of where he even was, conscious only of Alex. He moaned in pleasure, only urging Alex on.

Alex glanced up at Ivar and was pleased to see what his work was doing to him. Gripping Ivar tighter with his hand, he let his tongue concentrate on the tip of him while his other hand began to lightly rub his side up and down.

The sensation of Alex's tongue and lips working their magic combined with his hands on Ivar's body was too much. Ivar jolted up and pushed Alex off of him. Startled, Alex's eyes widened and his hands grasped at Ivar but Ivar quickly pushed them beside them on the bed and held himself slightly above Alex. "Love, you still want me inside you? I can't fucking take anymore of that. It's too fucking hot," Ivar practically growled.

Alex bit his lip and shook his head yes. Ivar grabbed the lube and slowly squeezed it out and let it run down Alex's butt cheeks. He smiled widely as Alex jerked from the feeling. "You like that, humm?"

Ivar placed his hand on Alex and rubbed the lube all over his entrance as Alex squirmed. Even though he was still wet from Alex's mouth, he still put more lube in his hand and lathered himself up. Looking down at Alex's red face, he asked, "Are you ready, love?"

"Fuck, yes!"

Ivar positioned himself at Alex's tight opening as he leaned over his body. He could feel the heat radiating from Alex's skin and he smiled. He slowly pushed the tip of himself into Alex and waited a moment as Alex gulped and tried to adjust. "You ok?" Ivar, ever caring, asked.

"Yes," Alex answered, placing his hands up around Ivar's neck, as he stared deeply into his eyes, fluttering around Ivar's thickness.

Ivar slowly pushed himself deeper into Alex until he finally bottomed out. He remained still for a moment, gazing into Alex's loving eyes, still not believing this was real. He wanted it to be perfect for Alex so badly and wanted Alex to know, for sure, how he felt. Pushing his nerves aside as best he could, and trying to ignore what a wreck he was, he leaned down to quickly kiss Alex and then told him, "I will seriously never get tired of this."

Alex cupped his cheek and raised up a little, and kissed him back. "Neither will I," Alex panted.

Slowly, Ivar began to rock his hips, moving back and forth inside of Alex. He held himself up on his elbows, on each side of Alex, so not to crush him and looking down at him, asked, "Is this good with you, love?"

Alex's breathing sped up as he answered, "Oh my God! Yes!"

Ivar, remembering Alex's preference from the last time they were together, pulled back to almost exit Alex altogether and then began to slam back into him, but as he made eye contact again with Alex, he felt the need to take his time and savor the moment. He moved himself back into Alex slowly, passionately, their breathing increasing, their hearts pounding, and their desire for eachother growing even more. As Ivar reached as far as he could, with the flick of his hips, he thrusted into Alex one hard time. Alex moaned out, "Damn! Do that again!" and Ivar did, never losing eye contact, making everything even more sensual.

Lost completely in eachother, they began moving together in perfect harmony, their breathing almost in sync. They locked eyecontact and interlocked their fingers in eachother's hands, squeezing tightly. The closeness and rush of emotions they each felt as they explored eachother's body with eagerness was so intense, it was almost overwhelming. With their moans of pleasure echoing in the stillness of the night, flames of passion ignited every inch of their bodies like a wildfire burning hotter and hotter, their bodies fitting together perfectly like puzzle pieces.

Ivar's long, slow thrusts into Alex were intoxicating and Alex could barely catch his breath. Alex broke their eye contact and pulled Ivar down to him and feverishly began kissing him as his hands got lost in Ivar's hair. The kiss was a long and languorous kiss that caused Ivar to jolt forward into Alex with another hard thrust. Alex whimpered into Ivar's mouth as they hungrily continued their kiss.

Skin on skin, becoming connected as one, the intensity of their passionate kiss increased. Sweat glistened over Ivar's body as his slow stroking up into Alex began to grow a bit faster and harder. Ivar's touch was electrifying on Alex's skin as he lightly trailed his fingers down Alex's side leaving goosebumps along the way.

Alex was trembling when Ivar's hand finally reached between them and found his hard, pulsating cock. Alex's heavy breathing led way to a muffled groan with the heat from Ivar's hand slowly stroking him in rhythm with his pelvis. Ivar kissed from Alex's lips to his jaw and slowly up his jawline to his ear. His voice small, "I love you," he whispered into Alex's ear and Alex thickly swallowed. Alex then wrapped his arms tightly under Ivar's arms, hands holding onto his shoulders. Using his hands on Ivar's shoulders for leverage, he thrusted into Ivar causing Ivar to moan in surprise, "Fuck!"

Alex did it a second time and Ivar dropped his head, nearly collapsing. Alex turned his head to Ivar's ear, "I love you, too."

Ivar was taken back. He couldn't remember ever exchanging those three words before during sex. As much as he'd thought he'd been in love before, now he thought maybe he hadn't been. He, at least, knew it had been absolutely nothing like this. He'd barely said it to his ex at all but definitely never like this. This was another first for him and he struggled to hold back the tears. He felt more vulnerable now than ever.

His movements slowed almost to a complete stop as he buried his face into Alex's neck. Alex, sensing the change, turned to Ivar. "Hey, hey. What's wrong, Ivar? What happened?" He rubbed his hair away from his face and kissed his cheek. "Hey, talk to me."

Still moving painfully slowly, Ivar raised his head up. Tear filled eyes stared back at Alex. "Oh, fuck! What is it? Are you ok? Look, we can stop," Alex panicked, trying to sit up and stop Ivar's movements.

"Shh, it's ok," he said softly, placing a finger over Alex's lips. "I'm just, umm, I'm happy, love. That's all. I promise. And that's as new to me as everything else." Alex looked deeply into Ivar's eyes for confirmation that he was being honest, but he could already tell he was. "Happiness, like this, is sincerely a new, new thing for me. I won't lie. I'm a wreck, Alex, but I'd really like to finish this if you still want to."

Alex was stunned. How could he tell this beautiful creature who was looking down at him so lovenly no? And so he didn't. "Of course, Ivar. I want to finish this with you. We can talk later." He pulled Ivar to him and kissed him again, barely stopping for air. He then pulled away from him and began to blush. "Umm, is there... uh, do you think..?" he stumbled over his words.

"What is it, love? What do you want?" Ivar asked, his voice dripping with concern.

"Ummm, well, do you think it's possible for me to umm, be... FUCK, on top?" Alex quickly covered his face with his hands, trying to hide his embarrassment.

The thought aroused Ivar even more and, removing Alex's hands from his face so he could see into his eyes, he shot him his devilish smile. "Oh, fuck yeah!" he gulped. "But it may be a little too painful for you."

"Umm, can we try?" Alex asked, all too eager.

"Of course." Ivar was so excited, he'd already forgotten about how tight his chest felt, all lost in his emotions. He decided to focus on the physical aspect of it all, knowing he could pick apart every one of his feelings later. He hadn't expected this emotional roller coaster but the excitement he felt now took over. He slowly pulled himself completely out of Alex as his heart rate increased rapidly and Alex moaned. He rolled over onto his back beside Alex. "I'm all yours, love." He flased his flirty smile once more.

Alex asked him to sit up and lay back against the headboard of the bed. Ivar did as requested. Alex grabbed the bottle of lube and and put more into his hand. As he gripped Ivar's hard dick and began to spread it all on him again, Ivar's head fell backwards, moans of pleasure exiting his mouth. Alex crawled into Ivar's lap and hovered his body over him. Looking at Ivar, he asked, "Are you ready for this?"

"Fuck yes, love! Just don't hurt yourself. I'll be ok if we have to stop."

Smiling, Alex answered, "Always putting me first. Thank you, babe." He leaned down and quickly kissed Ivar and then sat back up, lining himself up with Ivar as Ivar held himself in place.

Alex slowly began to sink down onto Ivar's now throbing cock. As the tip entered him, Ivar removed his hand and grabbed Alex by the hips, trying to help steady him. Alex moaned out, "Oh, fuck!"

"Take it easy, love," Ivar said, focusing only on Alex's reactions.

Alex slowly lowered himself more and more onto Ivar as Ivar patiently waited for Alex to be ready for movement. The tightness Ivar felt was almost too much for him and he wasn't sure how long he'd last this way but all he could think about was not hurting Alex.

The two were so hyper aware of the other's body and reactions that it was almost distracting. Alex asked, "Are you ok, Ivar? Do you need me to stop?"

"Oh, hell no! I'm good, love. Take your time," he smiled.

Alex finally sank all the way down onto Ivar, swallowing up Ivar's twitching cock. He wrapped his legs tightly around Ivar's hips, interlocking them behind him, bringing the two of them even closer. The intimacy Ivar felt was overpowering as he looked up and into Alex's eyes. He placed his hand on Alex's cheek and pulled him in for a kiss. His heart was pounding harder than it had all night as the kiss grew more heated. He wrapped his other arm around Alex and held him tightly as he panted into Alex's mouth.

Alex pulled slightly away, Ivar's lips chasing his. "Please stop me if I hurt you." Ivar only knodded.

Keeping his eyes locked in their gaze of passion, Alex slowly began to rock his body. He groaned unrecognizable words. Wrapping his arms around Ivar, they both now sat in a tight embrace as Alex's movements began to speed up a little.

Alex gulped and moaned with every movement. "Are you ok?" Ivar asked, willing to stop if needed.

"Yes. It's a good pain, remember?"

Ivar removed his right arm from their embrace, still holding Alex tightly with his left, and slowly trailed his hand up Alex's back and down his chest, sending chills all over Alex. Still looking him straight in the eyes, his hand found Alex's ever ready, hard cock and quickly wrapped tightly around him. He began to stroke him up and down as he leaned forward a little and kissed Alex's collarbone. Ivar's hand motions made the pain Alex felt subside into pleasure.

Alex felt heat spread throughout his body as he continued to move painfully slowly up and down on Ivar. The closeness and intimacy he felt looking into Ivar's eyes staring back at him in complete wonder was breathtaking. He knew he would never get enough of this intensity.

Ivar's heavy breathing sped up with each small movement of Alex's hips. Staring into Alex's eyes, still, he thrusted his hips forward, jolting upward and into Alex. Alex whimpered and Ivar did it again. Within seconds, the two found their rhythm and Ivar began fucking up into Alex as Alex rotated his hips seductively.

With every thrust from Ivar, sounds escaped Alex's mouth, echoing into the room. As Alex moved his hips in sync with Ivar's, their passion grew even more. Ivar's grip around Alex's waist and back held him tightly to him as his hand pounded up and down on him even harder. Their stare intensified, an unspoken agreement not to look away from eachother, and Alex, again, softly said, between pants, "I love you."

A tear rolled down Ivar's cheek and Alex caught it with his finger. He brought his finger to his lips and slowly licked the tear from his finger. Ivar gasped, his heart beating even faster than before, and he knew he couldn't handle this anymore.

Before Alex even knew what was happening, Ivar moved forward, held onto Alex even tighter, and quickly turned to his side, landing Alex on his back with himself hovering over him, still inside him. Alex's eyes widened as he gulped. "Did I hurt you? Are you ok?" Ivar asked him, concerned.

"I'm fine. You, you just shocked me. Damn, that was fucking hot," Alex whimpered as he responded.

Ivar leaned down and hungrily kissed Alex as he slowly began to move inside of Alex again. Trembling, he looked back into Alex's eyes again. As he slowly moved his hips, he brought his hand to his mouth and spit into it. Alex gasped at the sight as he shivered in anticipation.

Ivar's hand found Alex's hard dick again and wrapped tightly around him. The sensation of Ivar's wet palm sent chills down Alex's spine as Ivar began pumping him up and down again along with his stroking in and out of him.

Something about it, now, was slower, calmer, and way more intense than anything between them had been as of yet. Alex's heart rate sped up and beads of sweat rolled down his forehead.

As Ivar held Alex's gaze, every movement was more sensual than the one before. Alex's hands tangled in Ivar's hair and he pulled him closer. Ivar dropped his head to the nape of Alex's neck and he feathered kisses up it as Alex whimpered. When he reached Alex's ear, he softly bit it before raising his head back above Alex and once again, staring into his eyes

With every roll of his hips, pounding deeper into Alex, Alex's heart fluttered and his tight grip around Ivar vibrated causing Ivar to arch his back with his eyes rolling into the back of his head. "Cum for me, love! I want to hear you yelling my name as you cum for me," Ivar's raspy voice commanded.

Clutching Ivar's shoulders, Alex began thrusting up into Ivar in sync with Ivar's movements, causing Ivar to groan out Alex's name in pure extasy. The two of them melted into eachother and as they moved together, lovenly, passionately. Ivar whispered, "I'm close, love. I need you to finish first."

Alex was already close to his release and as Ivar leaned down and licked Alex's lips, it was enough for Alex as it sent electric shocks throughout his veins. His entire body tensed up as white, silk streams of his cum shot out between them as he called out, "Oh my God, Ivar!"

Alex clinched his ass cheeks around Ivar and held him even more tightly as Ivar's pace picked up and fell out of any kind of rhythm. He grinded into Alex sloppily and his movements quickly stammered as his entire body stiffened and twitched. He shot his load as he tried to tell Alex, "Alex! I'm, I'm..."

"Yes, babe! Now you cum for me!" Alex said, breathing heavily.

Ivar slowly stopped his movements and collapsed on top of Alex with a thud. Alex grunted and Ivar grinned, "That was absolutely fantastic, love. I've...umm, I've never experienced anything like that. Not even the last time we were together. Fuck!" He swallowed thickly and slowly pulled out of Alex and rolled to his side, his arms still wrapped around Alex.

Hot and sweaty, and very messy, they still laid there entangled in eachother, taking in everything and coming back down together. As their breathing slowed and heartrates returned to normal, their grip on eachother never loosened. They laid like that, intertwined in eachother, in complete silence, comfortably enjoying breathing eachother in.

Not really wanting to break the peaceful, comfortable silence, Alex hesitated, "That really was fantastic, Ivar. I, umm, I don't think... umm..."

"What is it, love? You know you can tell me anything," Ivar tried not to panic, rubbing his hand over Alex's cheek and giving him a quick peck on the lips.

"I-I don't think I've ever made love to anyone before, Ivar. And that, umm, that's what that was, right? It was so different and so amazing. I've never experienced anything like that before either," Alex blushed and looked away from Ivar's piercing eyes.

It hit Ivar like a ton of bricks. No wonder he had been such a wreck. It was more than just having sex with the one he loved. It was making love with him, which had such deeper meaning than he'd ever imagined. The connection they shared was unreal and seriously like no other. He couldn't put words to it. Alex looked back at Ivar and saw the understanding and realization in his face. "I, uh.. I..ummm," he tried.

Alex cupped his cheek and replied, "I know. Oh my God, I know. It's ok. You don't have to say it. Believe me, I understand completely." He smiled and kissed Ivar deeply.

Ivar pulled away, "Now, you know the rule, love. You can't do that, or I'll have to have my way with you again."

He gave Alex his shit ass eating grin again, and Alex laughed, "You're terrible."

"Yes, and you love it. Let's go get washed up," he continued to grin. "Oh, and Alex?" he said as he sat up in the bed and looked back at Alex.

"Yes?"

"When we come back to bed, I want to be entangled with you the rest of the night just like we were right now, ok, love? I'm seriously not letting you go this time."

Alex smiled as he felt warmth spread all throughout his body, "Absolutely, Ivar. I wouldn't have it any other way."

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@istorkyou @vero-maris-zamo @chapada010101010 @ivarhoegh @lostasalice-thisway @lonewolf471 @lemonsarepink @covidinducedsocialreject @tessakate

[monsoonxskies]

Can I say this?-okay-

I FREAKING LOVE YOUR TRANSFORMATIONS OF CHARACTERS TURNING INTO WEREWOLVES,DEMON LIKE DRAGONS, GASTER BLASTERS- and ETC!!!

You are very talented but I got a question to ask cause I’m working on a sketch of a transformation of my oc turning into like a dragon and I sometimes messes up on the sketch so have you even like sketch your favorite character or a new human oc or oc turning into a dragon?

Thanks and have a great day/night!

(Sorry if I was rambling- and I sorta of had this in my mind for awhile and I didn’t had the guts to ask cause of how shy I am-and sorry again if this sorta of sounds cringe or bad-I just woke up-)

So sorry for the delay with my response! I planned on answering rather quickly but my college schedule didn’t allow it, haha- I appreciate the compliment! And I’m glad you enjoy my content! : D

Assuming you mean to ask how I like to start sketching out my transformation pieces- Theres a couple main things to keep in mind:

Try to figure out what form you’d like to have your character go to first! Before I ever drew any Demon! Luca transformation art, I designed his full demon form and experimented with partial forms!

You’ll often notice with my transformation art that I tend to default to a certain partial form. When you do this, the most you need to worry about getting across is the emotion! I tend to go for fear and pain, but there’s a lot of different options!

Don’t be worried about things not making sense anatomy-wise! Transformations aren’t always pretty or predictable, so awkward middle stages sometimes have the best effect on the piece. “Ugly” mid-transformation characters are oftentimes the most beautiful in this type of art!

Furthermore, with anatomy, I like to figure out where the common points are between human and animal anatomy. The feet is where these kinds of studies are most important in my opinion, as it’s where some of the more drastic and difficult to understand changes take place.

Feel free to let me know if parts of this don’t make sense- I’ll gladly illustrate what I’m talking about in a separate post!

As a final thing, I’ll show the general process I go through while sketching out my transformation artwork:

First, I start with general guidelines. I use a circle for the head, crossed lines to indicate facial feature placement. I use a line to map out the curvature of the back, and I use a box to map out the chest. You want it to taper a bit towards the bottom to show the end of the rib cage. A horizontal line represents the hips, then I use circles for joints and lines for the limbs themselves. Arms are mapped out the same way.

Next, I start putting in the major details. This involves actually drawing out all the limbs in full, sketching where the hair is going to be, mapping the facial expression, etc. With the face, I put the nose where the lines intersect, put the eyes along the horizontal line, and put the mouth in the center of the vertical line, under the nose.

Finally, I add the rest of the details. This is ultimately just refining the sketch to make it nice and readable. I usually erase my guidelines and initial sketch work here so none of that interrupts the details of the final piece.

Hopefully this helps you a bit! It all comes down to a lot of practice and experimentation to really figure out what works and what doesn’t, but you’ll definitely get there! I always recommend studying art from your favorite artists and seeing what you can incorporate into your own style! I’ve definitely got inspirations of my own that have really built up my style to this date ^^

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

Hey so just a recent follower but I love how real

You are in your page. I have always been a huge supporter for teachers and just reading some of your post/entries it just gives me a deeper understanding. I’m sorry that it’s not always the best time. If you ever need someone to talk to I am always available. Hopefully my grammar is ok on this message. I have never been the best at school 😂😂😂😂.

Thank you so much that was really sweet of you.

I've been teaching Elementary for about 7 years And honestly it only got this rough after covet period I remember going back and having to start teaching again after the shutdown period I was really freaked out because I thought I was going to die. I have asthma and really bad lungs so I was so afraid of catching it on the first train. And I remember us as teachers talking and wondering what was going to happen with all those kids who are out of school for so long. Well now we know. The kids that were older I think were fine but the kids that were in kindergarten or first or second grade just missed out on so much. And not just stuff that you would learn in books: communicating, interacting, how to sit in a classroom, respecting each other's space and respecting authority in general.

You can definitely tell which kids were left alone with the TV all day and which actually had their parents interacting with them and trying to help them and teach them.

I'm at the point now where it seems like the older and more educated I get the younger and less educated the parents get to where there is almost no understanding between what the teachers are trying to accomplish and what the parents understand about what goes on at school.

Anyway thank you for that very high message!

[hesitationss]

gundam: the witch from mercury cour 2 ep 2/ep 14, spoilers ahead!

okay okay i did make a post freaking out about this episode, but i'm a bit normal again. if you haven't watched the prequel episode, i highly recommend doing that! my personal watch order was watching gwitch ep 1 season 1 and then doing the prequel, it made for a really cool experience and gave me much to think about and OH BOY ep 2 has me THINKING HARD.

we get more of prospera's evil schemes... is it evil? she wants to end all war... by the end of the ep... YEAH it's fucking evil lol.

i am so glad that the earth students aren't just being tossed aside for the main plot, they are being included as a part of the stakes. nika's involvement with shaddiq's plans and them all having personalities, it's so nice to see! martin is becoming more and more upset with nika and nika we are seeing both a bit of nika's backstory as well as her personal wants and dreams beyond the mask that she has put up for everyone. her story about her being in extreme poverty and working on machines and being really happy about being able to go to school, if viewers haven't picked up on war is bad themes yet... this episode for sure solidifies so much. even still, she wanted to bare the burden of everything after realizing how bad everything was turning out to be. even still, she didn't want her fellow earthians getting involved and wants them and suletta to have a normal school life... but nika is just a kid too 😭🥺

also lol...elan is so annoying oh my god.. i know he is like desperate to live, but damn lol 😭

also just a side note but lilique is so cute!! she's very sweet and was just trying to share goat milk with space ppl, they did not have to be so disgusted with it!! also one thing i appreciate is that there are characters with a variety of bodies. lilique is a plus size teenage girl and she even had normal teen boy troubles in season 1 when things were more normal... <3

okay onto the rumble ring: um another side note but lauda having a moment with petra while that other girl is like HUH...dat cold hearted boy is capable of having feelings?

anyway,.. the emotional beats of the rumble ring happening with like all of the pilots personal goals and thoughts coming together on a "mock" battle field while belmeria confront prospera is so chef's kiss. like ugh so much is happening and then chuchu in her usual anger at the elite/spacians is about to blast them in her machine, but it thwarted by flashbacks from the plant quetta incident... i really think that plant quetta is such a major turning point for all of the earthians. they have had to suffer the most already, and now they realities of war are starting to sink in. i'm also just assuming that chuchu's rage is mostly from experiencing the prejudice and aftermath of war as well as wealth inequality and being raised by her 9 dads who are amputees or disabled in other ways from warfare, but she herself has never experienced it first hand until plant quetta. all these earth kids are being haunted by the consequences of imperial and capitalist violence and they are the ones who must endure the most. it's such a noteworthy moment for me in this episode, especially after sophie and norea make their appearance and nearly kill lauda. chu, even after everything knows the reality of war violence and moves to protect them because she doesn't want to see anymore people die.

but chu isn't the only one in the aftermath of war, that's all of the earthians, including sophie and norea... when sophie gives her mini monologue about the things she wants, the things she will kill for "meals big enough to fill my stomach, a fluffy bed to sleep on, warm showers, [...] and also.. a family who will always love me" despite the killing, you can't help but feel for them too, they also took on the "GUNDAM curse" to pilot killing machines to hopefully change their lives. and they fully believe in what they're doing because they have no other choice. the fate of the witches from earth is tragic because children fighting wars in machines that kill them is tragic.

new elan clone doesn't want to die, so he is also fighting for his life, nika has been kidnapped, suletta is starting to realize the weight of taking a life. sophie and norea... i shan't go on... there is so much happening and at the centre of it all is prospera and truth about eri samaya... "creating a world where eri will be happy" AAAHHHHHH

any way i'm going to become a villain now 🚬🐀😭 we're really in it for real now... earth students PLS survive!!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary15

9/19-20/2023

less exhausted now than yesterday.

i got 5 songs re-mixed today, which puts me at 13/25 (yes there are songs i forgot i had to work on and there's one i added that's out already but i should redo it for like, bandcamp and spotify/whatever (and there's some i'm still not counting because they're pretty simple and honestly i feel like they won't be too difficult)).

today i did get really happy doing all of this at least, i had a breakthrough w/ the guitar processing stuff that's at least gonna help a lot on some of these songs/tones, where i use something that simulates a lossy mp3 and stick it early in the chain, parallel with something, and then use the chime-y sound that it creates, essentially a warbly reactive bandpass with some random elements, and it helps add a sense of real guitar, it also helps un-deaden and de-cotton-ball some of the sounds, but i think i can work on that still. there's an answer somewhere to that problem.

maybe i can go do that now, who knows. i've got some loose time i guess but i should actually let myself relax, all the best ideas come to me when i'm not overworking myself. i think partially the problem is the sound loses a lot of dynamics/transients which would give it more textural shape.

it's also just the nature of distortion. stacking so much makes the sound, i dunno, rounder, or not round, it's sharp, but it's kind of like razor thin in ways. i like the razor part, and i like thin, but i want it to be a little more present, i think that means needing some more low end, it could be a situation where there's two channels, one maintaining the lower end.

also what the hell is up with impulse response cabinet things and them sounding so freaking, i dunno, weak.

whatever. but this is all my life is right now. kinda. tomorrow i'm going to do errands (woo (actually crying but whatever)) and hopefully i'll get to do some of the short songs before i am whisked away.

oh my god i can get post-grunge impulse responses. honestly i could on a lark but honestly no thanks i don't need to fool around with an impulse response based on the guitar cabs the guy from hoobastank uses. what is the point.

there's people who would see that and say they're going to make the most fucked up music ever using that, like a dare, i'm going to be brave and say that i am too good for that. even if i'm stupid and cleaning up a 25 song (+ more) mess. maybe i sound like i hate fun but i just hate what some people treat as fun, or i don't hate it. i just feel bored and frustrated by it cuz it's like, i'm gonna handle trash and act above it and also extol it because x y or z and it's a lame impulse and also i guess gently tied to some weird revivalist bent people can take up.

sorry for bitching and moaning about something that's essentially really specific and dumb.

listening to other fucked up guitar music makes me feel good about where my stuff is at, it's like i can figure out some tiny things and get it where it needs to be. i think as it stands the biggest issue could really be the bass sounds, they still come out a bit loud, which is an easy thing to fix, i just wonder if lowering the db is actually what i should do, but what else, who knows.

vocals also are a bit tough but they always are, you just find where they sit and stick them there, is how i feel about it.

who knows how much longer this whole mixing talk is gonna go on for. it could be my life forever. i don't want it to be, i want to write again soon but my mind is wholly on this, on the communion w/ soundwaves through abstract graphical and numerical means. an extremely material circumstance i think.

i got distracted from my #superimportant diary by a conversation with a friend, it's veered into a discussion of when we've felt insulted by artists people compare us to. the two of us have been burroughs'd by people, and not to say he's a bad writer or anything, but it's not what either of us are going for, and it's interesting how people can be really appreciative of what you're doing or something and vocalize that, and you can sit there and feel, in the wake of someone being really nice to you, and honest with you, and a lot of things i feel like i should appreciate, i am left incapable because of a bad taste. this isn't what happens even most of the time with comparisons, especially with my music. it's always nice to hear what people think. often they feel kind of left field, but good, or they're so left field it's like, i'm glad you got that out of it, but something about how people do it with writing in particular, there's a level of people treating your voice like it's a party trick and a condescension i guess.

it's also such an asshole thing to complain about someone being nice to you, but at the end of everything, it's just whatever, it's a thing. i think i'm allowed to ruminate when it's something that's a strange feature of my life. it's an ugly kind of rock formation i see that isn't a terrible eyesore but it's strange the earth's mantle and crust and everything conspired towards that, and the strangeness not so great and not especially meaningful, you are just put before it and nod at it and think about it later, i guess.

i shouldn't have to justify everything about my life or inside my head but i do i guess cuz i'm cuhrayzzzzeeeeeeee.

when i type like that i feel like i'm actually getting myself across, not in a way where like, i know someone understands, it's just letting something deeper inside out. it's how i actually feel and i guess no one could understand why it makes me feel, i dunno, whatever cluster of things it makes me feel.

i just remembered ryuichi sakamoto's passing, and almost cried, might cry, kidn of crying, crying.

not much to say about it, just a real tragedy, a real legend and genius. i love him a lot.

it's a bad idea to listen to forbidden colors, but i will.

what a perfect articulation of something, that song. i don't know why sakamoto is one of the musician deaths that makes me the saddest, i really do cry over him more than any other, it's not new at all really, it's not fresh anymore and it still gets to me, and he was old, it wasn't shocking really. but i guess we all knew it was coming, those who keep up at least saw the stuff about his cancer. i think it's because his music and how he wrote music represents something fairly singular to me. it's hard to get me to sit and listen to anything classical adjacent, him doing solo piano stuff a lot makes that easier, since i love that anyways, but his particular interpretations of older kinds of music are just really moving. you can sense his entanglement with that music and the will to move past it, the recognition of others, through time.

now i'm thinking about house music. good house music always makes me really melancholy, even if the song is happy, endlessly joyless, really it's the joy that makes me sad, it makes the gulf apparent, i am here and now, and all the parties these old songs were made to keep going and start and end, never even expected me to be there. meaner kinds of dance music are what i end up making, because of that emotional reality. i guess it's not that house is uncomplicatedly happy or something either, dj sprinkles talks about that on an album. it's also where a lot of queer people collected themselves, and partied, but not really escaping a miserable material reality, things like that. the sense of loss and distance and alienation is greater now. only for a night, and in the night, do you and your body join, a question is asked, how long can the night go on for, and a journey starts there, and what are all the ways we can modulate time, and so on, not to escape, but to be embodied, to exit the escpaism that surrounds us at all times (something something the spectacle (which on some level includes dance music, especially now.))

us being general and not localized to queerness, only to the downtrodden, of which there are many.

this is a lame pick, but for these particular emotional reasons/resonances, the song i'm your brother by round one (basic channel basically) is one of the best house songs, it feels like it's speaking to that exactly.

and i guess i'll end this entry with a link to another dance song, colder, not house, but it's a song that perfectly captures how it feels to walk home from work at night, not liberated but feeling liberation on your tongue and that denial, the slim hours you have to live your life, all our desperate existences, and stuff.

byebye !!!!

[enchantedlyhooked]

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️ 

*depression, PTSD, medicating, paralysis, burnout, numbness, death* 

•••

First of all, I can’t believe Stranger Things went THERE. And I’m kind of pissed ‘cause *SPOILER* *YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!* Max Mayfield is in a coma right now! But she better be fucking okay in the end 🙃

Making this edit was kind of hard because I underwent a period (long ass period) of major burnout, ESPECIALLY DURING FREAKING QUARANTINE! & apparently that can lead to depression like symptoms and evidently cause me to have more meltdowns & shutdowns. Long story short, I was a mess. I mean who wasn’t, or isn’t right now? It is true what they say when they unchecked can often lead to bad physical ailments.. bad mental health stresses you out, go figure 🙃 Just so everyone knows, burnout and meltdowns are not fun and it’s been “a joy” 🥲  Now that I am just now recouping I feel that it is a good time to post this edit, and hopefully it let's some people know that there is truly hope & a light at the end of that dark tunnel you may currently be looking down. I'm still not completely cured, Idk if you can be but I do know I am doing a hell of a lot better than I was and honestly I'm feeling more now. I'm not just allowing myself to feel, but I am physically; mentally; emotionally able to feel again. OOOOH I should listen to FEEL AGAIN BY One Republic -- this is a perfect time for that song right now, kind of fits.

ANYWAYS…

BEHIND THE EDIT: That scene where it looks like Max is having a sleep paralysis is legit me; both having sleep paralysis & just overall freaking out. Safe to say Max’s storyline for season 4 of Stranger Things hit a little too hard. Though what she went through isn’t EXACTLY what I’ve been through it was similar enough that I felt it, and broke down a couple times watching her scenes. She went through grief and guilt, and I went through the same just under different circumstances. 

WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?: After I stopped isolating myself, it took auditioning for a theatre show (and not chickening out), getting it, and hanging around the coolest people that have brought a form of love back into my life. However, I still need to make sure to keep my mental health in check (a constant work in progress), so as not to fall back into that deep dark pit of despair & burn out.

To conclude,  no one from the ‘Season of La Llorona’ cast follows me but I just want to give my absolute gratitude to them, and the director for casting me. When I started rehearsals, I started to feel better, and I even reached out to a couple of friends that I fell out of touch with (as this song says; yeah this song hits deep, and I felt EVERY word). Now I get what my acting lll instructor meant when he said “Theatre saved me.” It for sure has saved and helped me big time! 

If you are struggling please know that you can always talk to me; I know I may sometimes put off the vibe that I don’t want to talk but I do and I want to help as well. You Are Not Alone. 

Ps, I know I ended the EDIT on a downer, but fucking blame Stranger Things  #JusticeForMax  💜🖤

•••

AC - Me *edited* 

Original Song - Numb Little Bug by @embeiholdhold

CC - Me 

DT - Anna [finally made that Max edit lmao… took me ions]