#I know I’m being dramatic it just crushed me bc I was coming here for comfort | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

marshmallowprotection · 2 years ago

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Hi Kait.

It’s been a little while. I hope you’re doing well. <3

I’m always rooting for your success and happiness lol.

I feel bad and sheepish because I never wanna be that person who only ever pops by to like,,, dump a vent when I’m struggling.

I wish I had more fun or creative stuff I could share with you more often.

I think about trying to make you a gift of some sort a lot but I always chicken out. 😔

But tbh I think the reason I feel inclined to come here when I’m feeling bad is because when I am struggling,, that’s when I turn to thoughts of Saeyoung as a source of comfort. And your blog is the best outlet I’ve found to be able to express those feelings haha.

At any rate…

I wonder if you can relate to this experience…?

When I was really sick, my mental health issues actually kinda felt better…?

It’s not like they actually went away or anything.

It’s just that,,, I literally didn’t have the mental capacity to fixate on those things like I normally would. I was deadass too exhausted to indulge my anxious or depressed thoughts and let myself spiral lmao

But now that I’m slowly staring to feel better physically, those old patterns and thoughts and feelings have been creeping back in little by little too :))

(Super unfair if you ask me 🙄 bc I *am* still sick and in pain. Just slightly less so. And now I gotta deal with the mental illness on top of it all? Now my bones hurt AND my tummy hurts AND my silly little pathetic heart hurts. Homophobia at its finest, truly.)

And like… I’m trying really hard to claw my way out of this cute little pit of self-loathing I’ve found myself in.

Especially since I know now, better than ever, that it’s completely pointless…

The world’s gonna keep turning whether I hate myself or not. It’s just a matter of whether or not I’m choosing to make myself miserable in the process.

But,,, you know. It’s never that simple.

And. It’s kinda the “trying hard” that’s been making it hurt tbh.

I can’t stop thinking about the ~injustice~ of how hard Ive tried my whole life to build a future for myself where I could finally feel ~stable and happy and loved~ like I’ve been craving my whole life or whatever. But the universe just keeps saying Sike! Over and over :’)

I had to work so hard just to fuckin survive and keep myself alive my whole childhood.

I never thought I’d be able to go to college,, I didn’t even think it was on the table for me.

But I got lucky and got support and encouragement from my friends,, and somehow I managed to make it. And it meant so much to me. I felt so overjoyed and lucky to be able to be in a place where I didn’t have to worry about my safety all the time, or where I was going to sleep or get my next meal. And better yet,, somewhere where I could pursue my dreams and passions and get a little closer every day to a future I never thought I’d have. :’D

Buuuut then Covid hit, my mental health tanked, and I stopped being able to afford my tuition. And even though I was doing everything I could and DESPERATELY trying to figure things out,, it wasn’t enough. Bc nobody at the school would fuckin help me. And it was so frustrating and upsetting to know that, no matter how good of a student I was (I was a 4.0 student in STEM smh)

And no matter how genuine and passionate I was,,,

It didn’t make a difference. Because all they cared about was my money.

Like. Not to be dramatic. But that shit legit shattered my heart and crushed my soul. :’)

Even so! I told myself,,, hey. It’s okay. You can turn this around. You just have to work harder! Push yourself even further! You’re good at that. You’ve done it before. You just need to get a job and save up so you can go back.

So I got my silly lil minimum wage pet store job.

And goddammit, I was great at that too.

I was the best damn employee at my store, if not the whole company 🙄 bc I’m SMART AND PASSIONATE ABOUT LEARNING AND HELPING ANIMALS AND CREATING BETTER LIVES FOR THEM. UGH. 😤

Worked my tits off for a year and a half. Saved up as much as I could. Got over halfway to my goal that would allow me to finally move away from my home state that I’ve always hated. Go back to school. And really and truly get a shiny new ~fresh start~

But then the universe was like, HA bitch you thought!

You actually worked *too* hard this time and now your body is broken.

So… all that money you just saved up…?

POOF! That’s all going to your medical bills now.

Or at least. A tiny fraction of your medical bills :)

And now you can’t keep working to pay those bills off, or save up more money to go back to school. Because you’re too sick!

So like… good luck I guess??

And now I’m here having to deal with the fact that my friends who started school at the same time as me are graduating this semester.

And I’m just. Spending all my days alone in my room helpless and lonely and rotting :)))

It just really stinks that even though I’ve been trying so hard my whole life and putting SO MUCH of myself into literally everything I do,,, it’s never seemed to pay off.

In fact it feels like if anything, all it’s done is come back to bite me in the ass and make the failure hurt worse in the end.

🙄🙄 big “please please please let me get what I want by the smiths” moment

But anyways *ahem*

Like I said,,,,,

Whenever I get to feeling like this. I definitely always end up thinking about and coming back to Saeyoung.

Because… different life situations, obviously.

I’m glad at least I haven’t had to check “lost twin” or “being a secret agent” off my trauma bingo card yet.

But then again. I never thought I’d check off medical trauma either and look how that turned out, so who knows what the future has in store for me? 💀

At any rate,,, I know he’d be able to empathize, and understand those feelings.

More so than anyone I’ve ever met in real life, probably.

That’s definitely a huge part of why he came to mean so much to me in the first place. And why he’s the character I come back to time and time again when things start feeling really unfair.

And,, knowing just how and why he’d be able to understand and relate to those feelings is a big part of why I love him so much…

I just get so overwhelmed any time I get caught up thinking about that man’s endless capacity for goodness and love. Even through all the shit he’s been through. And how,, no matter how hurt he was, how hopeless he felt, or how much he *wanted* to give up. He never ever could. Because that’s just who he is,, if there’s even the slimmest margin of a chance that he could do something to make the world better for his loved ones, he’d drag himself there to the point of physically falling apart and not even think twice about it.

And like,,, yeah,,, it’s an issue in its own right and breaks my heart to think of how far he’d go for others while having so little regard for himself.

But also,,,,, it’s so admirable 😭 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Saeyoung Choi is made of love.

And like,,, more than just Ye Olde “self-destruction in the name of helping his loved ones” thing,, I also get so worked up just thinkin about him being his silly dorky self,,

And again just… through everything,, even when he tried to convince himself that it was a front and he wasn’t actually like that,,, he never stopped being bright and curious and passionate,,, because that IS who he is,,, he’s a NERD and he genuinely loves learning and trying new things and having fun,,, and spreading that joy to the people around him. 🥹❤️

It just makes me wanna fuckin SMOTHER him with all of the affection and appreciation I could ever possibly muster up. And tell him over and over and over again how incredible and kind and brave and strong and special he is, and how much I love and adore him, and how lucky and proud I feel to even exist in the same universe as someone so earnestly and relentlessly Good. 🥺🥺

I would simply like to love him to death dhdjdjd

And like. I guess it’s cathartic to me to imagine being able to do that and say those things to him.

And to really just,,, bask in those overwhelming feelings of affection.

Bc I guess that’s how I wish someone would see and feel about me 😅 and that I could have someone in my life who would see how hard I try,, and be proud of me, and make me feel like I have value outside of my achievements in life (or,,, lack thereof). And like,,,, love me for all the times I kept going even when it hurt. That would be cool,,,,

Me out here since 2016 trying to fix myself by fixing Saeyoung 💀💀

Literally even now I feel better than I did when I started typing this message having thought about him and how much I love him fjfjfjf

Kuz,,, there’s the catharsis in thinking about being able to say those things that i wish I could hear myself to someone else.

But then there’s the added layer of self-indulgent catharsis of being able to be like,,,

I mean, hey, Saeyoung probably *would* see you in a similar light,,, if anyone would be able to understand and appreciate those things in me, it would be him. :’D

We are,,, the pointing Spider-Man meme,,, but make it gay dhdhdj

And that shit is,,, overwhelming to think about.

Ahh the euphoria of loving Saeyoung Choi shdhjd

And,, imagining a world where he loves me back just as much,,,

That’s nice,,, :’D

Anyways. I don’t know where I intended on going with this. I feel like I’m just awkwardly talking in circles and not making sense.

And I didn’t mean to get as vent-y as I did there.

I guess I just was all tangled up in my thoughts about all this shit and wanted to try and articulate that side of why Saeyoung means so much to me.

And to have an excuse to gush about my precious little meow meow. 🤡

As usual,,, if you’ve actually taken the time to read through this mess. Thank you haha.

Wishing you the best, always. ❤️❤️❤️

Don't worry, I get where you're coming from.

I had the same experience, similar, anyway. I thought college was the way out and went like I was "supposed" to. I suffered for a long time as a child in an abusive, impoverished environment, and there was no way out but a single door that everyone sold me. Well, as soon as the door closed on high school, my body started to give up. I dealt with a single diagnosis at first, and then, by the next time Spring Break was around, I had two more issues that would nearly cause me to lose my life.

Being on death's door after you've fought so hard to escape is a sick joke, and it's hard to put that grief into words. I'm sure you know what I mean, though. You think you're getting out and then it feels like God is laughing in your face. As if to say, "You thought you were allowed to be happy and free? Ha! Sike!" Hitting rock bottom with those types of emotions is not fun in the slightest. I still feel grief in that way when a bad day comes along. Even if you're working through your feelings, a bad flare will make you struggle.

Being Disabled and Chronically Ill means you're in a perpetual loop of "I'm okay with this" > "I hate this" > "This is okay sometimes" > "Why is it that I'm being punished" > "I can't take it anymore" > "This is... okay. I am okay".

You cycle through acceptance, anger, grief, begging, and everything that comes with loss. We don't have to be okay with our struggles, you know? It's not something people can understand unless it's their experience. Sure, if someone close to you is that sick, you might be able to understand, but not all of it. It's something that can't be put into words. Sometimes, the hardest part is trying to get someone to understand that you won't get better. You will only get worse. It's not like a broken arm.

I want you to know that I've been there. Stuck in a bedroom for years and it hurt. I lost out on experiences because I didn't have support in the way I needed. I had to become my own doctor and advocate the second I realized the healthcare system latched onto my anxiety to blame for all my problems. I haven't had health care in years because America is a piece of shit, but I don't think anyone should be forced to become more intelligent than their doctor to save their life. Then, you have to act like you know nothing because if you know too much, they think you doom scroll health conditions online.

But, that's another thing. You get used to it. You shrug. Your pain is a 7 to an average person but to you, it's a 2. You get used to it. You just learn how to adapt. You forget what not being in pain feels like. I can't remember what it felt like to not have something hurt!

Mental health and physical health are other things. When you've got to deal with both of them, it's weird. You might have a bad day with a flare but your mental health is just fine, vice versa, or the opposite of that. If you're in too much physical pain to think, you're not going to think about your depression. You just sleep. God, one thing that did happen to me was that my compulsive hand-washing started to be something I did less because I physically couldn't get out of bed at one point and I just said, "Fuck it. I can't do it. It's fine."

Still have that issue but it's not what it was. It's hard to explain how these issues clash with each other.

Haha. Anyway, I get it. I know what you mean about Saeyoung 'cause I feel the same way about Saeran. I met the RFA in 2016. I was on the door of death, not knowing what was coming next, and they saved a life that day. I don't know where I'd be without this game. Everyone in the group helped me see a chance to live.

Saeyoung was one of the first, too. I love him like a brother because I saw my sacrifices in him. I'm like him in that sense. I would throw my life on the line to see someone else happy. That's not always a good trait because you need to protect yourself, too.

You can't always give to others. Sometimes, you need to be selfish. But, having him by your side to empathize with is cathartic, you're right. He gets it. He knows what you mean and he doesn't judge.

You love him because you see yourself in him. You know he's capable of love, just like you are, and you know that he's safe. He'd know that you're safe, too. He knows you better than you know yourself, and I'd dare say it's the same way the other way around. That's why it's easy to love him. You know he'll never let go of you. You know he'll always fight for you. You want to be fought for, you want to be loved, and you want a chance to be validated the way you validate Saeyoung.

I'd say there's nothing wrong with that.

I look to Saeran because he'd get me. He's been just as sick as I've been and I wouldn't have to tell him what's wrong in detail. I could just look at him with pain in my soul, and he'd know. He'd get it and I wouldn't have to explain it. He'd just hold me... like I'd just hold him at his lowest moment. I feel like loving him makes me a better person. It reminds me that I have to try to treat myself the way I'd treat him... and the way he'd treat me. He'd want me to see something good even at the worst, and that helps me more than a lot of things.

So, I'd say, if you feel low... think about how Saeyoung would fight for you and help that inspire you to fight for yourself. Because he loves you and he always will, even if the galaxy keeps the two of you apart from one another. If you feel a flutter in your chest, it's him, calling out to your heart with a prayer you'll smile again.

And just remember, talking about your grief helps. Don't ball it up. If you have to write something down to let it out, do it. Never hesitate.

#long post #longpost #tw vent #mod kait #not mm #clownishpossum

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lovelybarnes · 2 years ago

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I posted 6,178 times in 2022

347 posts created (6%)

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Longest Tag: 140 characters

#need to finish part 2 of 1 thing then finish this fic i really like then come up with original ideas because hnggg how did i come up with th

My Top Posts in 2022:

thrist traps and the trapped- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, peter parker, sam wilson, steve rogers, natasha romanoff, tony stark warnings: bucky thinks you’re hot bc you are, tiktok edits, bucky finding tiktok edits, embarrassment, i don’t know how i feel about this about: request! the avengers being introduced by Peter to thirst trap edits of themselves a/n: so i changed it up a little bit because i don’t usually do text/messaging fics, at least until i get a specific request for it and find an app that does that, so i just mentioned the groupchat and i hope that’s alright!! i also hate this title i will change it when i think of literally anything else

“she was into me,” sam insists, lifting his coffee cup as a way to make his proclamation more dramatic, “did no one see the wink?”

“there was something in her eye,” bucky replies dryly. steve shakes his head with a sigh.

they can hear music in the living room of the compound as they walk in, bucky automatically exhaling when he spots peter on the couch. sam shakes his head, sipping from his cup.

they walk behind the couch, peter seemingly not noticing them, entranced by the video he’s watching on his phone. out of the corner of his eyes, bucky catches a glimpse of what he’s watching. sam and steve notice when the screen begins to flash.

“what the—” bucky starts, his hands coming up to cover his eyes as he backs away from the couch, an arm stretching in front of him as a way to distance himself from peter. “i’m not going to ask, parker. just advising to not watch that,” he motions awkwardly, “here.”

“what?” peter cries, fumbling with his phone when he realizes the spy was behind him. he curses his spidey senses for being so useless in a time where he’ll probably need them more than as a precaution to stop a stabbing. “no! no—i’m—oh my god…”

“look, kid,” steve begins awkwardly, swallowing hard as he blinks distantly, “i know you’re—going through some, ahem, changes—”

“stop it please,” peter begs, “may has already told me this multiple times.”

“then why the fuck are you watching porn in the living room?” sam exclaims, “is multiple times not enough?”

“i’m not watching—” peter clears his throat, settling into the couch nervously, “i’m not watching porn,” he says, quieter now. he moves to grab his phone and the group of men back away.

“i do not need you to show me,” sam closes his eyes.

“i’m not watching—i’m watching an edit! of—of spiderman,” peter admits sheepishly.

“what the hell is an edit? another word for porn?” bucky retorts.

“you’re watching an edit of yourself?” sam asks, ignoring the confused glances the two super soldiers share behind him.

“i think it’s important to show thanks to my fans,” peter mumbles.

“what’s an edit?” steve wonders.

“it’s a—a compilation of footage that people put together and add music and lights and just video crap to make it flashy,” sam responds, squinting at peter, “lemme see.”

“no!” peter sputtered.

“fine. i’ll just tell y/n you watch videos of your ass on the couch when no one is home,” sam threatens, peter’s face flooding in red when he hears your name. he hates how obvious he is when he has a crush.

“you can’t tell her,” he warns, before bedrudgingly handing his phone to sam.

the phone is opened to an edit highlighting many of peter’s outings as spiderman, and it’s pretty much what sam expected, but bucky and steve are in awe of the transitions.

“there are some of you guys, too,” peter mutters through a heavy blush.

“really?” steve inquires, “show me.” bucky nods along.

when you arrive back at the compound, the entirety of the rest of the avengers are in the family area on their phones, different music bites clashing with each other and whoops and whistles going around. nat is smirking and tony is nodding approvingly, shoving his phone into steve’s face and forcing him to watch whatever is on his screen.

“what happened here?” you implore to the closest person to you, which happens to be sam, who is cocking his head at the video playing on his phone.

“peter told them about edits,” he answers nonchalantly, looking back up at you, “how come you never told me how good i look in that red shirt?”

“what?”

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1,053 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

annoying neighbors and fake boyfriends- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, oc x reader warnings: nosy neighbors, mutual pining, fake dating about: request "You stayed over at my place one night but my nosy, annoying neighbour saw you leave. They always get on my case about being single so I told them that we’re dating to show them” a/n: you have no idea how much fun it was to write this. if you want a part two… i wil one hundred thousand percent give it to you. now. a confession, i wrote this and finished it like two days after you requested but got caught up with a bunch of requests and didn’t get the chance to edit. i hope you enjoy!!

the keys in your grasp jingle and clink against each other when you move to quickly lock your door, even through your attempts to keep the noise down. you cringe when the bronze key, settled between two others on both sides, clangs loudly against the metal of your doorknob. quickly wrapping your fingers around all of the keys while your other hand is pressed against the wood of your door, you hold your breath and shut your eyes as if it mutes the noise.

when you hear nothing, you sigh softly, letting the shoulders you hadn’t even realized had tensed drop down, clicking your lock closed. you move to pick up your bag, sure you’re safe when the door across from you suddenly opens, light spilling out along with the woman living in the apartment, nestled in a deep purple robe that she tugs against her form, hair parted as if she was in the middle of doing it.

“y/n!” she exclaims, eyebrows raising in surprise as she crosses her arms over each other, “where are you sneaking off to so early in the morning?”

you give her a tight smile, grip tightening around the straps of your bag. “i-”

miss sellack gasps before you can continue, a dramatic hand coming up to her lips, “have you finally gotten a boyfriend? i told gertie upstairs you could do it. she’s always saying how lonely you are and i can’t say i disagree, but i knew you could do it. no matter what anyone says.”

you force a dry laugh from your throat, nodding stiffly at her words, clearly dipped in condescension from the little smirk playing on her lips and the other quips she’d thrown at you when she saw you around the building. annoying little sad smiles when she’d spy you alone—which was most, if not all of the time—while she was always with her partner. sad pats on the shoulder and patronizing whispers of “it’ll be okay” or “there’s someone out there for you, too.” basically a pathetically thinly-veiled “you’re alone and will probably die alone, and i will never stop reminding you of it.”

“not exactly,” you tell her, “but thanks, i guess.”

she pauses and pouts for you, solemnly shaking her head, “you’ll find him,” she says, "someday."

you hum tensely, “right. have a nice day.”

“i don’t know why you don’t just ignore her or move out. you know you have a room here at the compound, and stark is all too happy to get you a better apartment in a better neighborhood with nicer neighbors,” natasha replies in response to the recount of your morning, stirring her tea with a short green stick.

“she makes good cookies!” you defend, your words the complete truth; sellack made amazing cookies, and you’d take her deprecating actions for the large can of the cookies she gave you every few months—however, it didn’t mean you had to like it. “and bad neighbors are everywhere,” you point out. “besides, i like not depending on tony that much. i feel like he’d kick me out or something if i made him mad enough, it’s just like i’d have to pay a debt if i lived on him. it makes me feel a little more… normal, too.”

“like you’re not an ex-assassin newly reformed avenger?” natasha asks.

“like i’m not an ex-assassin newly reformed avenger,” you confirm. “just someone with no special skills and an annoying neighbor that won’t shut up about the fact that i’m single and pointing it out a little bit snobbier each time.”

"the epitome of normal if i've ever heard it," natasha grins.

you laugh. "exactly."

"besides," natasha starts, "you know she's wrong. if you were to, you already know that the minute you start to look, there'll be a line forming out your door. all the recruits are already head over heels for you, never mind barnes."

blushing, you shake your head, “you’re not still with that, are you?”

“i only speak the truth,” your friend shrugs, taking a sip of her drink. her eyes trace over your face before looking at something over your shoulder. “speak of the devil,” she smiles.

two hands, one warm and one cold but both soft, fall on each of your shoulders, fingertips beginning to gently dig into your skin in a sort of pre-massage. you can’t hold back the smile that graces your lips, tilting your chin up to meet bucky’s eyes over you, “hello.”

“hey,” he grins, “‘wanted to remind you that movie night is at yours tonight.”

you raise a brow, “is it now?”

bucky nods, “we are tired of tony being so loud, we can’t hear the movie, and steve’s already hosted, meaning we’ll be heading to your lovely neighborhood and trying to squeeze into your living room.”

you laugh, “alright. but one of you will have to watch the television from the bed in my room because you guys take up much more space than my apartment was made for.”

“‘s alright, i guess some of us will just have to squeeze in there,” bucky winks, making you chuckle.

“just try to not leave at three this time, my neighbor insisted i was in some sort of cult last time.”

“promise, doll,” bucky swears, “i will not leave your apartment at three in the morning.”

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1,078 notes - Posted January 4, 2022

blush- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, steve rogers warnings: flustered!bucky like stupidly so about: request! Bucky was never a ‘ladies man’ in the 40’s (him and Steve made a pack to talk the other up no matter what to other guys) so when Y/n makes a move on him he gets all flustered and doesn’t know what to do… a/n: [shortie but a goodie i hope] i had to find out cucumbers are fruit for this fic and i am not okay with this information.

the effect you have on bucky drives him nearly as insane as you do, with your flirty smiles and winks he’s only half sure are meant for him. his crush on you is embarrassingly obvious—at least he thinks so, but he can’t control the blush that colors his skin whenever you blow a kiss at him after you catch him looking at you, or he turns to meet the eyes already on him.

steve stifles laughter each time bucky is left with only a wobbly little smile and longing eyes when you walk past and brush past his arm, your fingers lingering around his bicep for a few seconds too long for it to be friendly as you apologize.

bucky grumbles about how his friend isn’t—or at least wasn’t—much better than he is, but however true it may be, it falls flat when he nearly trips over his own feet when you wave at him while you run past him with an excited “hi bucky!”

you’re even gracious enough to pretend not to see when he clumsily waves back and almost crashes against a tree, although sam certainly isn’t, only somewhat quieting down when you smack at his arm.

he’s never been good at this, and he wasn’t expecting something like that to change, but he’d always trusted that he could at least be decent when it mattered.

like now. when you’re alone in the kitchen and bucky wants to ask you to go with him to the gala steve was forcing him to go to. he’d been forgoing it only because each time he saw you, there were other avengers in the room, most of which he would definitely mind seeing him getting rejected.

but then your eyes meet his and your face breaks out into the smiles that make him go a little dumb, and he realized he can’t be decent at this even when it matters.

“hey, bucky,” you greet happily, grabbing the plate of chopped fruit you’d cut for yourself and walking toward him. “d’you want some cucumber?” you offer, lifting the container.

bucky nods thoughtlessly, taking some of the cucumber and eating it. “that’s really good,” he praises, words muffled. “best cucumber i’ve ever had.”

you laugh, only urging bucky to eat more and bring that sound back. “thanks. i’m glad you like it.”

“uh huh,” he mumbles, shoving more cucumber between his lips.

“what’s that?” steve asks when he enters the kitchen, and even though bucky knows otherwise, it makes him feel better to blame it all on steve, his own silent thoughts lying when he briefly lies to himself in believing that steve interrupted just when he was going to ask you to be his date.

“chopped cucumber with lime and salt,” you reply. “want some? bucky liked it.”

steve furrows his brows, “bucky hates cucumbers. always has.” he shoots the man a look.

surprised, you turn to bucky, retracting the plate. “you do? you don’t have to eat any if you don’t want to, buck. seriously.”

“no,” bucky argues petulantly, reaching for more fruit, “i love cucumber.” he nods seriously, gesturing to steve and waving him off. “old.”

“thanks,” steve retorts, rolling his eyes and walking out as bucky continues to force more cucumber into his mouth.

you eye him suspiciously before simply nodding and taking some for yourself. “so what’re you doing in three days?”

“hmm?” bucky questions through a mouth full of the fruit he hates. “uh, the gala i think,” he replies when he forces it down, holding back a wince but still reaching for more.

you nod. “do you have a date yet?”

bucky freezes, nearly choking when a prospect of your words drifts through his mind. he shakes it away stubbornly, refusing to get his hopes up for something that was probably not going to happen. “no,” he answers finally.

you nod, dropping your eyes and biting your lip before inhaling shortly—gaining confidence—and giving him a small smile. “would you want to go with me?” you propose. “as a date?”

bucky actually chokes then, making a strange noise and then hitting a fist against his chest. your eyebrows furrow immediately and you put your plate down, getting closer to him. “oh my god, are you okay?”

bucky forces a nod and an awkward thumbs up.

“you’re choking!” you gasp, going to slap his back. he finally swallows it down and thanks you coarsely.

before you can take it back, bucky coughs out an enthusiastic yes, nodding madly.

“are you sure?” you question cautiously, “i almost killed you just now and i’m not that great of a dancer.”

bucky chuckles hoarsely, flushing at the way your fingers are still dancing along his back in soothing motions. “that’s okay. and it was my fault. i should learn how to…” he pauses, struggling to pinpoint exactly what went wrong. ”swallow correctly.”

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1,487 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

baby- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader

warnings: it’s really all fluff, just intense mutual pining and flirting

about: request! Bucky and reader have tension with their crush on each other but are too stubborn to make a move. One day reader calls him by his Initials (B.B) in conversation but Bucky mishears it as “baby” and had to do a double take ?

you don’t seem to realize the blue eyes on you as you strap knives to your thighs, checking your weapons before you move to hide them along your body. cerulean irises follow your every movement, dragging on the shape of your thighs as you snap a gun into place on your hip. sam can notice you’ve caught him by the way you seem to take longer to adjust the holster along your thigh, running your fingers along your suit-covered skin longer than he’s ever seen you take.

bucky seems entranced, eyeing your hands as they move with sharp blades as you observe them in the light, a gentle index trailing over the sharp side, your lip quirking when you’re satisfied. he follows your hand as it goes to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, then as it loads a gun.

sam thinks how great you are with weapons is hot, too, but he doesn’t spend the entire quinjet ride staring at you.

he elbows bucky, raising an eyebrow at him when he finally tears his attention off of you—a few seconds late, might sam add. “you’re staring,” sam lets him know.

bucky shrugs, “she’s my friend.”

“she’s mine, too. ‘don’t catch me starin’ at her, do you?”

bucky turns back to you, “not since last time.”

sensing sam on the verge of responding like a smart ass, bucky stands, stepping over to you, swiping one of your favorite knives from the table next to you. your eyes only flicker up to him to make sure it is him before you look back down at the gun you’re cleaning, a smile making its way to your face.

“why don’t you do this before missions? like a responsible adult?” bucky asks, beginning to twirl the knife in his hands, you can’t help how your eyes catch on the movements of his fingers, breath catching for a moment before you force yourself to pay attention to what you’re doing.

“like you?” you ask, shaking your head when he shrugs.

“hardly’d call you a ‘responsible adult,’” you grin, remembering a few weeks prior, when bucky had set out all of the things he was planning on using today to clean since he “hadn’t in a while.” you can also recall him sticking his metal fingers in the toaster and nearly electrocuting himself, having to make his way to shuri shortly after.

bucky grunts, stopping his playing with your knife, “now why wound me like that, doll?”

you laugh, putting the gun you were cleaning and reaching for your dagger, grabbing the blade half and poking bucky in the chest with the handle, “i can’t wound you any worse than you can wound yourself, mister i-get-myself-stabbed-every-three-days.”

“worth it to see you play nurse. you get cute all worried.” your face heats, shaking your head.

“yeah? maybe i should get stabbed then, see how cute you are.”

“no, no, no, no getting stabbed. i’ll spend every second right next to you if i hav’ta to make sure.”

“good,” you nod, “i’m planning on doing that anyways seeing your history.”

“and i’m irresistible and you’re unable to say away,” bucky adds with a wink.

“that, too.”

natasha raises a groomed eyebrow at the sight of you and bucky behind the island in the kitchen, cocking her head as she observes you offer a spoon of nutella to the super soldier. from her place on the couch, she purses her lips when you dip your finger in the chocolate, about to lick it off yourself when bucky suddenly does it for you. you laugh, lightly pushing him away and teasingly reprimanding him with the spoon in your hand. bucky shrugs, his eyes dragging over the way you take the spoon for yourself, continuing to do what you were.

shaking her head, natasha turns back, deciding she has to do something about you two if the both of you continue like this as you have for the past few months. as sweet as it was to see the two people who most deserved love get it, it was getting painful to watch you be so into each other without doing anything about it because you “weren’t sure if he feels the same way.” she’d rolled her eyes at you then, and she would now.

“bucky!” you laugh, natasha not even bothering to turn around. you blink up at bucky, accusing eyes settling on the playful glint in the sea blue of his irises. he smiles in the way that makes butterflies erupt in your stomach, lets you take a peek into the teasing personality he’d gotten stripped away from him all those unfair years ago.

“oops, doll. accident,” bucky shrugs, raising a hand up to your chin again, a tender thumb reaching to swipe the chocolate he’d rubbed on you off of your nose. his palm is warm against your skin, leaving a trail of gentle heat that rushes into your cheeks.

“yeah, sure.” you scoff out, blinking away the daze you had been caught in, his lips frozen in your mind. gently shaking your head, you go back to what you were doing, “about as much of an accident as this will be.”

“what wi—”

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1,672 notes - Posted January 17, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

hopeless- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, natasha romanoff, steve rogers, tony stark. oc warnings: kidnap, torture, reader is threatened, rejection, ANGST about: request! “where bucky nd reader have a big argument nd then she storms out in the middle of the night leading to her being kidnapped. Then the whole time she thinks bucky isn't coming for her due to the fight” a/n: phew this took a hot minute. my longest fic. do not like the ending, but i hope you enjoy!!

bucky’s smile is wide as he observes you flit about your room, a silly twinkle in his eyes while they observe your exaggerated thinking gesture, obviously dramatic in your search for his next book to read. he leans against your wall, amused by your pulled features as they contemplate two different books: one red and well-loved and one blue and weathered.

“hmm, do you want something sad and romantic that has lines that make me doubt that i’ll ever find love,” you begin, raising the blue book higher. “or something classic and sweet and scary?” you continue, shaking the red one.

“how could you doubt you’ll find love?” bucky wonders aloud then, and you turn to your bookshelf again just to get away from the intensity of his gaze.

you shrug, unsure of how to respond, busying yourself with putting one of the books away.

“it’s you,” bucky continues, stressing the pronoun as if its implication is obvious. “you’ll get the best love. the pure and mushy type.”

the lazy shapes your fingers are rubbing into the spine of your book slow as you soak in the implications that bucky’s words carry with them. when you force yourself to meet his eyes, you’re unsurprised to find them on you already, but it’s startling to meet their depth, the way they were willing you to turn around without your knowledge. you begin to walk toward him, feigning your purpose as handing him the blue book.

“yeah?” you find yourself replying as you step forward slowly, searching for something deeper in bucky’s face as it breaks out in a smile.

“yeah,” bucky agrees with dead-set certainty. “the universe would be insane for giving you anything less.”

you smother the bashful smile that fights to make only its whisper appear on your face, holding back the urge to look at the ground in overwhelming emotions due to the entirety of the situation—the implications that you’d thought ridiculous of you to even consider seeming more concrete with the honesty of the words that bucky promises to you, making his eyes gleam just a little bit brighter with an unbridled determination that you’d never seen before.

“anything less than what?” you ask, testing the waters simply for reassurance that might push you over an edge you aren’t sure you want to cross.

“anything less than what you deserve,” bucky clarifies. “the sweet, sappy love with the notes and pictures and gifts and safety and never letting you forget how loved you are. the basics.”

you cock your head at him, trying not to drown in the wishes you had listed long ago that tumble from bucky’s mouth.

“oh,” you whisper, eyes flickering to the polaroids you have around your room, adorned with small, smudged words written messily in pen by bucky when he’d given them to you. there are post-its scrawled with his handwriting taped to your walls and hidden in a box underneath your bed. you can’t help but see the parallels between his explanation of the love you “deserve” and the love he constantly rains over you.

the attraction you’d begun to harbor for him yearns more at the possibility of it being returned—because here he is, laying it out for you with his reflection displayed on the plans.

“the universe would be insane to not give you that,” bucky goes on, the absolute resolve that you can make out in his words staggering. “anyone overall would be insane not to love you.”

there’s a twinkle in his eye that you’d grown used to, yet you observe when you look up at him again, what you were trying to do forgotten as you search his features. he doesn’t seem to acknowledge how deeply you scrutinize the softened lines of his face, the gentle lift of his lip as he looks at you.

you swallow, beginning to step toward him. “really?”

“yeah,” bucky replies like it’s obvious, nearly nonchalant but it fails with how deep his intent runs.

you realize the space that separated you wasn’t all that large when you find yourself closer to him than you thought before, and your breath stalls, completely caught up in the moment. bucky doesn’t seem too different, dilated pupils unmoving from your face, tugging you closer without a single touch.

“oh,” you breathe out, goosebumps rising on your skin when bucky puffs out a gentle laugh, his hand reaching to set on your jaw.

“what?” he asks curiously, his thumb pressing soft shapes into your cheek.

it’s like honey, his touch, the severity of his stare clicking something inside of you that you’d been so afraid to open.

suddenly, you’re certain. because surely nobody can look at you the way bucky is looking at you—touch you with the care he treats you with, tell you all the things he whispers in your ear without reflecting the feelings you have for him.

“i love you,” you blurt, tangled in a breath with the relief of the admission finally meeting your tongue, watching as something passes through his face—surprise, at first, and then there’s a brief indication of relief, just a flash, gone quickly enough to let you believe it was simply a figment of your imagination. his fingers stop moving on your face, and suddenly his features harden, pulling his touch away entirely.

there are alarm bells ringing in your brain, because this is not going the way you’d convinced yourself it would. he was supposed to smile and kiss you clumsily, mumbling out that he loved you too and you would say obviously and he would laugh.

not removing himself from your reach, staring holes into your head, red bubbles of frustration darkening his eyes.

“what the fuck?” he snaps. and the words are so sudden and sharp that they nearly make you flinch, spine straightening with a velocity that jumbles your words with the speed at which they try to tumble from your lips. he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.

“you what?” he demands, his tone foreign to your ears coming from the same lips that have never once let words edged with a raised tone slip past. bucky doesn’t speak to you like that. bucky doesn’t harden and bucky never raises his voice. not at you, never at you.

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1,832 notes - Posted June 2, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #cmment reblog tag is overflowing... this is amazing thank you guys so much

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gurugirl · 6 months ago

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I’ve been going through this for almost a year now and idk if i’m just being dramatic or something I should report to HR or the police. Here’s goes:

I’ve been working at my job for almost 2 years now and 1yr ago we had a new hire. I talked with him the first day and he kinda just felt off? Like I had a weird vibe about him but I didn’t know him so I didnt wanna judge him so quickly. Our first interaction was mostly him asking me where I’m from and trying to get to know me. Anyways I kept my distance from him but he became close friends with my work crush.. who I also was best friends with

It became kinda awkward because anytime I was around that guy he made me feel uncomfortable so I started being distant from my work crush as well. My work crush liked me too and we were kinda in a friends with benefits relationship which is where this all gets bad.

The guy ends up finding out because my work crush would usually drive me home and one day I had company over so we did our #business🫡 in the car. And he was following behind us in his car and saw

Then we had a break from work, about 2 weeks for Christmas/New Years and that’s when I found out that he’s been stalking me. He’ll sit in his car outside my house for about 5 mins during the day and then around 2-3am he’ll come back and stay there for an hour. I noticed because he has a really loud car engine so I started looking into ring cameras. Then when I came back from the break he randomly told me how my brother is really tall? which confused me because my brother only visited me during the holidays and i haven’t seen him all year which confirmed that was his car watching me. So I got ring cameras and I still see his car everyday around 2-3am watching me.

Then my work crush left to finish college. So I started taking the bus again. And He would wait in the parking lot after work to try and get me in his car even after I repeatedly told him no. When I come into work he’ll try forcing himself on me for hugs or trying to hold my hand and when I tell him to stop he’ll get mad and start calling me names. Or shove/push me, trip me, etc.

But one day I was stuck and it was raining and he “just happened to be in my area” and offered me a ride which I felt like I shouldn’t but did anyway.. He explained to me how he liked me since the first day we met and how he stays awake at night thinking of me. How i’m so important to him that he’ll drop/leave anyone to spend time with me. How many times he’ll count the times he sees my name in one day.. and then talks about how he loves how “innocent” I look. Which made me uncomfortable I’m 21 but I do look and sound really young that people always think i’m around 15-16 and he’s older than me.

Anyways throughout that car ride he talked about the weapons he has in his house and how he thought about using them on my work crush. asking what I see in him and if we’re dating. Then he told me about how many times he thought about kidnapping me.. and then when I finally got to my house and he kept stalling to let me leave the car and i panicked because the door wasn’t opening he just laughed and said how “todays not the day don’t worry” and I went home and cried. Then I realized that I never even had to tell him my address which shows he does stalk me.

idk if i’m being dramatic because after every weird encounter he’ll brush it off and tell me “i’m just kidding, you have to relax” I even talked with my work crush about how he makes me uncomfortable since they’re friends and he said that he knows he likes me and he’ll talk to him about giving me space. then once i told my work crush about how he’s being more mean. Like this once time he grabbed on me and bruised my arm bc I wasn’t talking to him and my work crush just said to “try and be patient bc he wasn’t having a good day” I started not like him after that because idk how to take the fact that he could be friends with someone like that and make excuses for him.

I did talk with my supervisor about it but not in depth and she said that she’ll make sure we’re in separate spaces but he still always follows me like I physically feel like i can’t breathe because every time i’m going somewhere he’s there or right behind me always trying to talk with me. And i try to be friendly bc if i don’t he starts getting aggressive. And he’ll tell me how talking with me and seeing me is the only thing that makes him happy. So I started ignoring him more and I don’t care about being nice to him anymore and now he’s playing victim and saying how he feels like end!ng his life because i’m ignoring him..

there’s a lot more but sorry for the long rant. It’s been ongoing and idk what to do because he’s friends with my friends and if I do something about it then everyone’s going to blame me and think I was overreacting. I’ve talked with multiple people but no one thinks it’s that serious. So now idk what to think.

First of all I just need to say I’m surprised no one is taking your account of this seriously. If you have a ring camera you can like record with that right? So you’d have proof to anyone doubting you that the man is crazy enough to be sitting outside of your house at 2 am just to look at your house. Also his words “today’s not the day don’t worry” are creepy af and I’m terrified for you.

He’s also trying to gaslight you by telling you he’s joking to make you feel like you’re being silly or something but he’s proven he’s not joking already. This man is dangerous.

Is the job one you need to keep or do you think you can quit and go somewhere else? But then there’s the fact that he knows where you live. Do you live with your parents or roommates? Tell whoever you live with about this man and tell them in detail how he’s threatened you and make it clear that you’re scared of him.

I do think you should go to HR but your boss’s response is concerning but maybe tell them again with more details and proof if you have it. Please get as much proof as you can bc, even in 2024 women are brushed off as being dramatic and attention seeking which is why men get away with horrific things (it’s happened to me even and I’m not going into detail here but let’s just say the guy barely got a slap on the wrist while I still have the occasional nightmare almost a decade later).

HR could be helpful but it depends on your work environment. Would you trust them? Once I went to hr about our company’s IT guy (this was some years ago) and showed them emails he sent me - super inappropriate and clearly making lewd comments about me that escalated to him texting me on the weekends and I lost my job two weeks later for “over staffing” while that IT guy works at that company still to this day. He never did the kinds of things that you’re describing tho so I never heard from him again once I was fired.

I’m not saying that to scare you, just to inform you that you may need to look elsewhere for support. Maybe even the police would be helpful in this situation but they’ll want proof.

Babe… I’m worried about this situation and it’s bringing up all kinds of scary feelings in my gut and you’re going to be your best advocate. Buy pepper spray or something, anything to defend yourself. Take self defense classes and learn how to fight back. Tell everyone you can about this guy and tell them his name anything you can about him (if you have his address, what kind of car he drives, etc).

Please don’t let your guard down around him. You’re right to be scared. Listen to your gut. Please please be safe and look for any back up you can for rides to and from work if the bus isn’t running. Never get back into that car with him again.

Xoxo

#ask

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scum-belina · 2 years ago

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It was at my nicest elderly neighbor Rose’s house, and was planned by her and my fave neighbor Lupe. Rose invited my granny and a few other neighbor’s I’m not as familiar with but are old and in general just constant complainers but I can usually handle that. I had baked a bunch of cookies from my best spice cookie recipe and they turned out perfect and soft (important detail later) and I was going to bring a bunch to the party.

I was exhausted when I showed up bc I had gone to get my mom from my grandparent’s since she takes care of them on the weekdays, and then we had to do a ton of shopping for ourselves and my grandparents. Once I got home I made sure I still looked nice and presentable and went over. I didn’t see Lupe’s car, and that should’ve been a sign enough to not go in there. THEN I saw my granny’s car there and yet I STILL went in bc I’m absolutely stupid I guess. I didn’t know who else was there bc I didn’t recognize their cars.

I am greeted at the door by Rose, and am instantly introduced to her cousin Cynthia, who IMMEDIATELY asks “does she have any children?” and Rose says “No Elizabeth has no kids and has never married”, which my granny repeats for some reason to like, rub it in? Since she now knows I actually do want to have a family. And then my granny talks about how all my cousins are married and have kids and Cynthia brags about having a big family and this all happens the second I walk in the door. I almost burst into tears right there.

I know it might sound like I’m being dramatic, but they said much more than that and it all just felt so deliberate to stick pins in me and I don’t know why. Before I wanted a family people never asked me shit like that especially right off the bat. The energy was so bad in there I literally felt drained the moment I walked in. They kept bringing up my life like they knew my business and they DON’T.

At one point Rose tried to brag on me for helping her buy a roaster oven when her stove and oven broke and all 3 other guests were like “idek what that is I never needed one I don’t see the point in one.....” these old bitches were trying to throw shade at me over a mf roaster oven!!!!!!!

Then my granny gets one of my spice cookies and Cynthia is like “what is THAT?” (as if she didn’t see me bring them in and set them on the table they were all sitting at) and my granny is like “it’s elizabeth’s lemon cookies”????? BITCH WHERE IS THE LEMON??? Cynthia then goes “I guess I’ll try one...they look hard though so I’ll mash one to see” and proceeds to crush one of my cookies in her hand and it mashes like the SOFT cookie that it was and she’s like “yep, it’s too hard” WHY AM I BEING UNDER ATTACK BY A BUNCH OF OLD LADIES RN

When I was there no one tried to talk to me except my granny, and her cousin Cynthia bc she wanted me to help her figure out how to call people on her new phone -__-. Turns out Lupe got sick and couldn’t make it, so I was stuck with Rose, her cousin, my granny (the biggest abuser in my life), and a fellow neighbor named Yvonne who is like Mac’s mom on iasip except it’s not funny bc she’s real. at one point she had a fit at the table going “I CAN’T EAT YET ROSE CUZ I TOOK A PILL BEFORE I CAME HERE SO I CANT EAT YET OR I WILL BELCH UP SOUR FOODS!!!!!!” Yvonne was rude too but I think I’ve already said too much of the awful shit they did and said. They were like the most insufferable curb your enthusiasm characters come to life but much worse.

I stayed maybe 30 minutes. It was 30 minutes too many.

Had the worst experience at a neighbor's early Christmas party today. Will vent later I'm still reeling.

#I was holding back tears the whole time #Rose was oblivious the whole damn time tho #REALLY MISSED LUPE #she doesn't put up with no shit and gets defensive for other ppl

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bo0zey · 2 years ago

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saw mcr in chicago last night and it was literally so traumatizing that i couldn’t even enjoy the show or be happy i deadass hate you psycho animalistic band wagon ass idiot mfs so much thanks for ruining my one chance at seeing and hearing and experiencing my saviors of 10+ years. the band that kept me alive by providing me the emotional stability childhood me needed when everyone else around her was dying and made her feel like giving up too. the one chance i expected to feel the most alive i ever have ended up with me feeling so fucking dead and numb inside. the band whose songs literally filled my lungs with the air i needed to stay alive. and an hour before i was supposed to see mcr you selfish stupid idiots crushed my ribcage and stole all the oxygen i’d been saving for 7 hours standing in that crowd. you crushed my ribcage to the point it couldn’t fully expand and i physically could not inhale or exhale. you crushed me until my descending colon pressed against my equally taut and ungiving abdominal aorta and occluded it until i was physiologically unable to get fresh oxygen to my brain. i was a mere 12 inches and 1 hour away from seeing my band when you stupid senseless fucks ruined everything for me. i was ripped from the barrier and left in an oxygen-deprived mental fog for their entire set. i couldn’t even mouth the words to their songs from 50000000 feet away because the action hurt my ribs and diaphragm too much. god forbid i try to sing along without becoming lightheaded and nauseous because my body was so physiologically traumatized that even breathing without anyone pressed up against me had become painful. i was left in a dissociated state from being pulled out of the crowd until i got home. i couldn’t even drink water because my diaphragm and abdominal organs and aorta were still so traumatized and inflamed it hurt to have anything else inside to add to the excess pressure. i stood like a statue almost their entire set. i felt zero happiness, only immense sadness. i was so numb and dissociated while standing there in the middle of the concert watching the screen and listening to each song that the only thing i could feel were the nonstop flow of tears running down my face at the realization of the horror of it all. at some points i couldn’t even hear the actual music. the only thing i could hear was gerard’s words, as if he were speaking directly to me and it was the only thing keeping me present and grounded and somewhat connected to my body. and do you know????how it feels????? to feel fucking dead inside even though your body’s physically there alive in the same moment as the band that had given you so much life as a kid when you felt like you were dying???? and to just stand there surrounded by a crowd of 50000 people and feel deader than ever??? their music couldn’t even bring me out of this physically traumatized state and just made the emotional trauma exponentiate. i am so heartbroken and feel so defeated and let down and purposeless all over again. i will never have an opportunity like that again and it’s such a fucking hard thing to swallow knowing i couldn’t give my inner child her one chance to be that child again, to feel saved and alive and in love with this beautiful thing life has to offer. i hate all 50000 of you and most of all i hate myself for not being physically strong enough to withstand the physical abuse of that crowd. in conclusion thank u for ruining mcr for me and btw if u have a chance pls go get fucked.

#also don’t bother bitching at me in my ask box abt this Nothing abt crushing someone to death is okay #like that person at travis scott’s concert who get crushed against the barrier and died???? fucking ridiculous #gerard had to stop between every fucking song and tell people to step back from each other #between every song dozens of people were being pulled out of the crowd onto stretchers to the medical tent #even the fucking production guy had to come on stage n tell the crowd they needed to step back or else he ‘can’t let the band back out here’#like they probably had to cut like 2-3 songs cuz so much time was wasted telling everyone to stop fuckjng killing each other #i won’t even bother going into how horrible this was on my emotional state bc no one would care to understand #mcr was the one thing that gave my life consistency and stability and a chance to feel safe being alive #they saved what little i had left of my childhood. and now i feel like i lost everything #at one point in my life their music even their solo projects every lyric was the only happiness i had #and seeing them live i couldn’t even feel happy. do u know how shitty that feels???#i’m scared to listen to their music now bc i’m scared i’m just gonna breakdown crying all over again bc i was so close to exerpiencing them #i was so close to being alive and in the flesh with my 4 saving graces and then i was left alone #idc if u think i’m being dramatic u don’t understand how much this moment meant to me #there’s nothing stopping me from reaching club 27 now lol. cuz they’ll never come back again. i have nothing to wait around n stay alive for #also i was supposed to take the pics to remake the mcr returns from the war post but i couldn’t cuz i fainted n got pulled out of the crowd #lollllll life is so silly n funny #ramblings

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tojiscrack · 2 years ago

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𝐇𝐄’𝐒 𝐎𝐅𝐅 𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐒

: ̗̀➛ word count: 12.5k

: ̗̀➛ pairing: levi ackerman x reader

: ̗̀➛ notes: yep, i’ve decided that i’m gonna turn this in to a series. again, this is all satire, so no cringey bits will be written bc i can’t with the second hand embarrassment, lol

: ̗̀➛ summary: you gather your two best friends' opinions about your new crush, and while commandant shadis has a few things to say, too, you find yourself introduced in a sticky predicament.

previous chapter :) next chapter :)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

“you could have had a crush on anyone. anyone, y/n, and you chose captain levi?”

the much taller boy with ash brown hair did not look impressed. in fact, the more he frowned, the more he looked like a horse that had been foolishly lead to a suicide charge by commander erwin himself. it was funny, amusing, and satisfying to see, but it wasn’t doing you any favours in terms of support.

jean kirstein was a hater anyway. your best friend, yes, but also your number one hater. you could always count on him to point out your flaws in almost everything; that didn’t mean that you didn’t do the same to him. you gave just as good as you got, it was a mutual thing and although it could get annoying, it was fun. he understood your humour, he just didn’t encourage it, choosing to watch from the side-lines as you embarrass yourself time and time again (‘the one form of entertainment we can get here during training’, he would always say).

“i’m gonna pursue him,” you declared, overwhelmed with pride at your marvellous decision.

jean’s eyes widened significantly. he had been previously practicing the way he would throw more effective punches, but had come to a halt when you had said exactly that, nearly tripping over his own feet. what a dramatic bitch.

“of all the stupid things you’ve done and plan on doing,” began jean, pupils dilating, “this has got to take the cake. what the fuck?”

“wanna know my plan?” you asked, ignoring the way his eye twitched in irritation.

“no.”

“silly jean,” you chortled, “thinking i’d stop just because you said so.”

“you asked if i wanted to know!”

“and i’m telling you anyway.”

jean looked over your shoulder, forming the most expressionless look you had ever seen in your life. he was almost as monotoned as the captain you had grown to be fond of, but not really there yet.

and just who was he making that face at?

it was because of you, yes, but it was like he was silently communicating with the third party of your little group: marco bott.

marco bott, the most purest being inside the walls, would agree with you. you know he would, because even if there were a chance that he wouldn’t, he’d never actually voice that. he wasn’t jean, and he would never try to upset you. he was way too caring of other people’s feelings so you had tried to corrupt him many times, but 1. jean was always there to stop you, and 2. marco bott was literally an angel in disguise. there was no corrupting him when he was so innocent and righteous. eventually, you gave up: one can only be persistent for so long.

“eff you, jean,” you cursed, turning around to face marco instead, watching as he pulled a fallen leaf out of his dark hair. “marco, what do you think? i can pull him, right?”

marco smiled sheepishly. if you didn’t know any better, you’d think that marco disagreed with you... but that simply could not be it. marco would never, unless —

you swivelled on the spot, only just about catching jean moving from some action he seemed to have been making when your back was turned, his gaze now stupidly set directly at the sun hovering above you all, and fingers stroking his long chin.

“why are you corrupting him?” you demanded angrily. “that’s my thing!”

“i wasn’t corrupting him, you psycho,” argued jean, now blinking rapidly after ripping his gaze away from the blinding light. “and even if i was, you’re such a hypocrite.”

“jean —”

“he wasn’t corrupting me,” marco interrupted gently. when you looked at him over your shoulder, you could see that his ears had turned pink. the mother fucker was lying.

“marco butt,” you stated, silently fuming.

“it’s — it’s bott —”

“well maybe you should change it to b-u-t-t.”

“no.”

“yes.”

“no.”

“please?”

“no.”

“see, now you’re just playing favourites,” you said, rolling your eyes as you gestured to Jean, who was still frowning. “if jean had suggested it —”

“yeah but i would never,” the horse interrupted, pacing, “i’ve got double the brains you have.”

“yet you still can’t figure out a way to get mikasa to even look at you.”

jean looked visibly taken aback by your response, standing up straighter and scowling.

“why would i want her to look at me?” he demanded, continuing to pace. only, the speed at which he walked and turned had increased notably. both you and marco had noticed, glancing at one another for just a split second before hiding your grins.

you also noticed the way his strides had lengthened: jean had never told you or marco about his small crush on mikasa ackerman (the girl who was at the top of the class for eveything) but the two of you already knew — the poor guy would blush over the smallest of interactions with her every once in a while. too bad mikasa wouldn't even spare him a single glance.

you chose to put the teasing to a pause for now (making a mental note in your head to bring it up later) because you still needed to tell your two best friends about your master plan.

“whatever,” you hastily said, looking at marco once more. the boy was trying to actively avoid your gaze; what an idiot, thinking he could scramble away from your clutch. “captain levi’s in the scout regiment.”

at that, both of your friends stopped dead in their tracks. usually, marco would remind you and jean to keep moving (nobody wanted to go deaf in the ears when commandant shadis would scream about how you maggots were slouching off) but this time, he had stopped moving altogether, not even scolding jean for doing the same.

you wondered if you had said something wrong.

well, arguably, everything that came out of your mouth was something the two constantly opposed, but this seemed different.

maybe it was the way marco’s eyes were wide open in a silent whisper of ‘you shouldn’t’, maybe it was the way jean’s feet were practically planted into the ground with shock, or maybe it was the way the two were unwilling to even look at you that made you slowly begin to understand what that traumatised look on their faces were because of.

you had almost completely forgotten that both marco and jean were competing with everybody else to be part of the military police brigade: marco ranking seventh and jean ranking sixth. when the faction selection part would come soon, they would be joining the mps whereas you would be joining the scouts. they seemed to have figured it out all on their own.

“you’re joining the scouts?” jean had asked after the awkward silence had passed. you didn’t even get a chance to answer before he continued. “what, are you telling me that your master plan is to turn in to that suicidal blockhead? you've got a death wish!”

you knew who he meant. close friend of mikasa's, eren jaeger had been hellbent on joining the scouts since day one of the training corps. jean and eren had quite the tendency of butting heads every once in a while. where it had once been amusing to watch, the consistency of the arguments over basically nothing had become tiring.

as much as you wanted to joke around with jean about this, you could easily tell from the way his brows were creasing that he was dead serious.

“no,” you told him, “how will i ever get to be with the captain if i die?”

“you’re signing yourself up for death with the thought of joining the scouts,” replied jean bitterly.

“oh?” you questioned, eyes narrowing dangerously. “and you’ll spend your life living instead by signing yourself up for the mps, abusing your power, living in the interior with a lavish life while the scouts and the garrisons actually get something done.”

“that won’t be me,” stated jean, voice becoming more stern as he stared at you. “when i join the mps, i’ll actually use my power for good.”

“yeah, you tell me how many mps have said that before actually joining. name one.”

“guys,” started marco, voice shaky as he stepped between you two; you had not realised how close you had gotten to jean in the heat of the moment, "i think we should continue training before —"

“i’ve never met them or spoken to them,” said jean, cutting through marco as if he had not heard the dark-haired boy speak. as a result, marco looked disappointed. "but you have. you could name —"

“nile dok. that’s gonna be your future commander, right?”

“what’s wrong with that?”

“you can’t argue that the mps are working for good if you have him you’re working under.”

“you’re just salty that commander erwin smith lost his girl to him —”

“that has got nothing to do with this!” you snapped, wanting to wipe the stupid twitch in jean’s lip. he found your anger amusing. “don’t you dare talk about poor commander erwin like that when you lost mikasa to eren —”

“what has any of this got to do with that?” roared jean, exhaling deeply through his nose. his pale cheeks had warmed. “and i don’t even like her!”

“jean...” began marco nervously.

“and that means nothing because you lost captain levi to nobody!”

you gasped, scandalised as marco muttered your name. how dare you? you thought in your head, opening your mouth to clap something witty back, only to be interrupted by the bellowing in your left ear.

“CADET L/N!”

you turned your head, ear ringing at the loud voice, and lo and behold, commandant shadis looking as angry as ever, the wrinkles pulling on each side of his eyes with the furrowing of his dark brows. commandant shadis and you had never gotten along. when you had first joined the training corps, it seemed that the commandant had it out for you because from that day onwards, he had made you a target, one to shout at and reprimand every second of the day.

of course, you were not completely innocent yourself. sometimes you would get a rise out of him intentionally.

“is there a reason as to why you maggots are slouching?” you didn’t even get an answer out before he hurried on to say, “do something!”

you did not need to be told twice. what jean had said previously about you and captain levi stung, so without a second thought, your right arm swung up and clashed against his cheek, leaving a red hand print on the side of his face. his head snapped back in place in fury.

“what the fuck?”

“you deserved it!”

“you —”

“c’mon then mp, what’re you gonna do, huh? arrest me?”

“what?”

“or are you gonna steal captain levi from me like nile dok stole marie from erwin smith?” you questioned sharply. jean looked bewildered beyond any confusion you had ever seen on him before, but you did not care. “repeating history, right? well i know better than erwin, and i’m gonna pursue —”

“l/n,” said a low voice from your right.

if you hadn’t turned your head to see who had interrupted your very important speech, you would not have believed anybody if they had told you that the person who had uttered your name so quietly and calmly was commandant shadis. that man was anything but calm, and never once had you ever gotten such a nice word from him, even if it was just your name that hadn’t been screamed at you. commandant shadis seemed surprised with himself too, but sighed tiredly instead of correcting himself.

“my office,” he said, now growling. your brows were knitting together, bemused. “i’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

and then he turned on the spot, giving you a clear view of the lines at the back of his head. now that you could see it up close, you realised how it looked very much like a face. is that how he always knows when one of us aren’t training? he’s got eyes at the back of his head...

you hadn’t realised how long you had been staring for, and it wasn’t even a pleasant sight to be daydreaming over. only when he stopped walking, turned around, and sent you a vicious glare did you straighten up, palms becoming sweaty.

oh fudge, i’m caught.

“l/n,” he began (again, oddly tranquil). you held your breath. “MOVE!”

“yes sir,” you said obediently, not even waiting a single second before jumping on the spot and hurrying to catch up with him, ignoring the laughter rising from around you.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

fucking eyebrows smith.

the walk to commandant shadis’s office was awkward and incredibly uneasy. you took your time walking a good distance away from him so to onlookers, it didn’t look like you were in trouble (again). although you should have known that you were walking with a man who screams for a living, so being sneaky like this would only result in him bellowing at you again (‘WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, SCUM?’), ruining your entire plan as you kept your head hung with annoyance (‘okay, i am right here, you do not need to yell’), which earned another load of spit flying over to you when he began screaming again.

so now you were sitting in his office, seething silently about not him, keith shadis, but the devil in disguise, the blonde brainiac, the mind flayer, the blonde brute, the leader of the scouts, commander erwin smith. the mother fucker betrayed you.

well, not like he had not said that he would be informing shadis about you, but still. partners in crime wouldn’t do that to each other, but arguably, it looked more like a one-sided partner in crime type of relationship. erwin smith just seemed exhausted with the way you listened to nobody but yourself and somehow managed to put up with you for as long as he did - which isn’t too long, in your defence.

commandant shadis’s office was much smaller than the one you had been in previously (the traitor’s office). with a desk at the very centre of the room rather than the back, with floors made of wood rather than the easy tiles, with a bookshelf that had gathered an eye catching amount of dust, shadis’s office looked as though it were made for him, with nothing out of the ordinary. the guy even had a mega phone standing at the top of his drawer in the left corner (whatever for? he shouts just fine without it).

“you know why we’re here,” shadis began, clearing his throat and staring at you. the way his face looked, you knew that if you were seeing him in a dark alleyway, you would run the other way immediately. he had a natural scary look that many of the other higher ups did not possess.

you did not respond. what was there to say, after all? ‘yes, i’ve had this chat with the traito- erwin smith already’ and then risk getting shouted at, or ‘yes, i know’ and risk getting shouted at again? erwin’s backed you in to a corner with this, the backstabber.

“how many times have i told you to mind your own. damn. business?”

he’s not screaming?

well it looked odd. the many times you had been called out of training to get lectured by him, none of them ever had an occasion where he never raised his voice. this was extremely peculiar.

“twenty seven times, sir,” you answered honestly, because you had been counting since last month. when shadis raised a brow at you, looking almost speechless, you corrected yourself. “oh, you’re right. it was twenty eight, sorry.”

his confused look turned in to a sneer.

“that’s not why i was —” he started, growing aggravated. he closed his eyes and shook his head. “never mind. why did you do it?”

“do what?”

“you know what.”

“i don’t really —”

“i’m losing my patience, cadet.”

you sighed, feeling something hot by your abdomen.

“yeah, and i’m losing my patience. oh.. i also really need to do something you won’t be happy about.”

shadis looked as though he wanted to grab the megaphone and scream in to it. you frowned as you awaited his long overdue response.

“i am assigning you to stable duty,” he informed you, rolling his eyes when he saw the enraged look that had called itself home on your face. you bit back a witty response, your sharp tongue beginning to hurt at the repression. “and you’re doing laps till the sun sets, no pause.”

the way in which he said this made your stomach churn even further, the unsettling feeling in your abdomen remained.. and perhaps increased at his statement. you exhaled heavily, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair you were sitting in (the corps really need to use some of that money they get on comfortable seats for fuck’s sake) and clasped your hands together, both elbows resting on the arms on your seat.

oh no, i don’t feel too good..

“well you leave me no choice,” you told him, standing up and walking towards the door a large distance behind you.

“what?“ you heard him mutter, but you really did not want to suffer the experience of getting yelled at for what you were about to do, so leaving without a single glance over your shoulder would be the best option, you had decided. “cadet l/n, sit back down.”

you turned to face him, monotoned and straight faced.

“sir, i really need to step outside for this —”

“cadet l/n!” shadis started, standing up from his seat as you turned away, reaching for the door knob. he wasn’t exactly screaming, but it was closer to it than ever. “are you — get back in here right now!”

you stared at him through half lidded eyes. why would this man just refuse to listen to you? you were doing this for his benefit.

“please sir, i have to leave —”

“what is the meaning of this?” he asked seriously. “you think you’re so special you need to take a step outside and come in when you’re ready? with that attitude, you’ll be titan meal before anyone else in the corps!”

“no, please, sir —”

“you are not leaving!”

“fine, don’t say i didn’t warn you.”

your stomach churned once more, a final time, the last time before you felt the gas travel down and.. poof..

the silence was deafening, almost too loud for you to bare. it wasn’t uncomfortable, and you carefully watched shadis as the irate look on his face remained, teeth gritted and jaw clenched. your eyes travelled up to his nose when you saw it twitch, and then his nostrils flared: once.. twice.. a third time, before..

“CADET — L/N!” he all but roared, stretching out the last couple of letters of your name as the sound of his palm slapping against his nose and mouth came, louder than any silence you had the unfortunate luck of baring.

“that’s gonna leave a mark tomorrow,” you mumbled, leaning back in disgust.

if he heard you, he didn’t give any indication that he cared, for he pointed at the door, fingers shaky, a silent order for you to leave.

the smell couldn’t have been that bad. god, men are so dramatic, you concluded in your head. well, the smell wasn’t as bad to you anyway.

it smelt like raw meat that had been freshly cut and butchered, a hint of bad eggs and offed milk was evident; it seemed to have reached every single inch of the room, including all the corners. the plant that sat on his window sill, you could have sworn you saw one of its leaves droop slightly lower. the plant was probably a male too, dramatic-ass bitch.

it was a fart, it really wasn’t that bad. and that was what you smelled, so perhaps it was worse for the victims of it rather than the owner?

you scrunched your nose up at the thought as you rubbed your stomach.

“i probably shouldn’t have had the eggs for breakfast..”

“LEAVE!” shadis ordered, waving frantically at the door.

his tanned skin had turned a nasty shade of crimson, darker than when eren would pick a fight with jean and steam would flow out of his ears with every punch he sent.

“i told you but you chose not to listen to me,” you informed him, actually stepping further in to the room.

shadis took note of this and began yelling at the top of his lungs, a new form of colourful vocabulary even nile dok hadn’t showed you. interesting.

commandant shadis ran to the window, shaky hands trying to pry it open. you watched him, shaking your head at his obvious stupidity. before you could get a single word in, however, he was ordering you to leave again.

“GET — OUT!”

“no,” you answered back, defiant. “you’re really confusing me you know. when i say i want to leave, you tell me to stay. when i say i don’t want to leave, you tell me to leave. everyone says it’s women that are confusing but oh my gosh, men are just something else!”

as your speech continued (and turned in to a rant) shadis was trying to punch open his window - a stupid move, again, men - as well as try to intervene.

“i will stay in this room and i am not leaving because i know that when i leave — no, don’t interrupt me, i’m speaking — when i leave, you’ll tell me to come back in!”

“WHY WON’T THIS —” he gags “— WINDOW — OPEN?”

commandant shadis begins to wrap a veiny hand around his throat, bent over and breathing out heavily, exhaling as much as he could, but it looked as though it was only worsening things, because he had no choice but to inhale the air right back in again.

he looks up, eyes bloodshot, and you felt like a prey staring at the predator who was about to devour you whole.

“THE DOOR!” he shouted, pointing again.

you turned around, agonisingly slow. what a predicament to be in. he wanted you to open it? or keep it closed? you think you know the answer deep down, but then again, you did warn him, and he willingly chose not to heed it.

“oh don’t worry, sir,” you said, walking over to the door and holding the lock. his eyes widen in.. fear?.. when you switch it. “it’s already locked now. you were saying?”

you seemed to have pissed shadis off to the point where he was now stomping towards you, and each clash of his boot against the wooden floor was only a count down to the distance being closed between you two.

he’s going to ki-

ah fuck!

shadis, now positively fuming, did not hesitate to grab at your hair, pulling hard as he dragged you over to the door which he unlocked with his free hand, striding out and walking down the dimly lit corridors, seething.

“ow — okay, wow — ow!”

“quiet, scum!”

“okay, i would like this hair pulling thing in other circumstances, but you’re being really aggressive right now — ouch!”

in response, shadis simply pulled on your hair harder, and you could have sworn you felt him rip a few strands out. you sigh angrily as the two of you take an abrupt turn to the right, closing in on the mess hall.

“ow!” you hissed, holding onto the wrist that was attached to the hand gripping on to your hair for dear life. “ugh, i brushed through my hair this morning too! you’re gonna get it tangled, you know?”

shadis merely grunted. you were beginning to get irritated.

“never mind, you don’t know. you literally have no hair on your head,” you snapped, trying to free your poor hair from the older man’s clutches. “are you trying to rip it off and glue it on your scalp or something? it’s too — ow — tight! if you wanted me to donate hair to you, you should have just asked!”

and before you knew it, you found yourself being pushed on to the ground, knees scraping hard against the floor. you felt the fabric of your pants tear, and you winced as your hands took a nasty slap to the ground too. you exhaled heavily, looking over your shoulder to see where the bald bastard that did this to you was.

he was exactly where you expected him to be, but in a position you had not expected him to be in: doubled over with his hands gripping on to his kneecaps, sweat beading at his lined forehead, exhaling and coughing uncontrollably. damn, did your fart stink that badly?

why was he being so dramatic? it was literally a bit of bad gas, did he expect you to hold it in? there was absolutely no way you were going to do that, especially not when your mother had warned you about how unhealthy that was. you would be extremely foolish to just ignore her advice; knowing this, you did not regret how all this played out.

a faint cough was heard from beside you, and as you turned so you were sitting on your bottom, held up by your elbows, you looked up to see your fellow comrades, all watching you with wide eyes, some snickering and some looking confused, others looking as though this was long time coming.

you weren’t given the chance to wave or say hi to them, because shadis had cruelly snatched that opportunity away from you, exploding at you in a way that everyone (as well as you) were not used to. if you had him pissed before, he was indignant now, eyes white with rage. shadis looked as though he had aged a hundred times faster, glaring daggers at you. now if looks could kill..

“NEVER, IN MY —”

you shut your eyes, blocking out the cursing because you were still a child.

“— YEARS OF BEING IN THIS —”

you censored it again.

“— PLACE, HAVE I EVER MET SUCH A —”

you opened your eyes, but shut them immediately when you took sight of his face.

“— GIRL, WHO HAS BOTHERED ME TO THE POINT WHERE I’VE HAD TO ENDURE SUCH A —”

well now that was just rude.

“— STENCH LEAVE YOUR USELESS, DIRTY ASS —”

and then you found yourself smiling. why? you didn’t know either, but the way he was yelling at you was rather amusing, with his face twisting in ways you never thought could be even possible..

oh shit.

he caught on.

his eyelids were now completely out of sight, a small twitch in his left eye could be seen from where you were laying. your amazing art of rendering people speechless once more had begun again; a sense of pride swelled inside your chest like fairy dust in an old wives’ tale.

“why,” he began lowly, dangerously, calmly, “are you smiling?”

well you were honest all the way up until this point. what was the use in lying? you know you’ll end up in the stables either way. might as well own it.

“why aren’t you shouting?” you replied innocently. and it wasn’t an act, you did sound innocent the way you posed the question, and you weren’t guilty at all.

commandant shadis inhaled through his nose as if testing to see whether the air was fresh enough for him to breathe in - you didn’t blame him, because your previous gas releasing act must have traumatised him.

a vein was now protruding at his forehead, begging to burst through. he opened his mouth once more but you hurriedly raised a finger at him to halt.

“careful, i like it when people shout at me.”

it wasn’t silent anymore. you could hear gasps, whispers and murmurs surround you. you even heard a faint ‘oh god’ and a grumble of ‘are we really that surprised?’ from somebody too.

the air was thick, now. you felt hot. you had never had the unfortunate event of ever feeling embarrassed but you just revealed a very bad kink to everyone, the people you will be training with for another couple of weeks before you part.

technically, you had previously blindly told people about your weird desires, but in front of every single person in the 104th? in front of your commandant? to your commandant? that was new.. and you knew you had taken it too far..

.. for the man was now struggling to take deep breaths, and wow, you know this will never die down. the eye twitch of his had increased significantly, his fists were clenched at his side, as was his jaw, and the lines on his forehead only became more and more prominent as his brows knitted together to move further down his face. the glare his dark eyes had on you did not force you to waver, but the small smile your own face had claimed had dropped ever so slightly. you wondered whether the face at the back of his head was angry, too.

now a string of curses were leaving his mouth, threats of laps until your heart stops beating were given, and the strides to grip you by your arm had begun. at least he’s not after my hair this time, you thought, sighing as he pulled you up, his blunt nails digging in to the fabric of your jacket and no doubt leaving half moon crescents in to your smooth skin.

you remained stubborn, trying to keep your body as heavy as stone to stall for time, your eyes scanning each face frantically to look for the two people you needed most. at last, after passing over many, many people (including connie, who was struggling to breathe with laughter, sasha, who had taken this as a disturbance and used it as a master plan to steal food off of her friend’s plate, reiner, who was now sweating due to god-knows-what, conflicted again, probably) you found them: jean and marco, both sitting together at your usual table.

you noticed how there was an extra plate across from them, filled with food and by your usual seat. the sweethearts had loyally saved your place.

when jean caught your eye, his face remained expressionless and bored, giving you a ‘seriously?’ kind of look. marco was watching carefully, and every time you made eye contact, he looked away, bashful.

“jean!” you called out over shadis’s loud cursing. all eyes turned to him, but jean did not change his expression in the slightest. “help me — ow!”

your friend watched as you struggled.

“i’m not getting you out of this one,” he told you, your heart dropping at the betrayal.

you thought you had heard him wrong, perhaps it was the fact that shadis was quite literally screaming in your ear that you missed what jean had actually said, so you repeated yourself desperately.

“jean — come on — ouch, can you stop pinching me!”

this time, jean did not respond.

your worries were put to a momentary end when jean stood up. key word: momentary.

he stood up, to help you.. you felt elated, making a mental note to drop the teasing about his small crush on mikasa, only to find yourself confused.. and disappointed at last. he wasn’t going near you at all. he had walked around the table, took what was meant to be your plate, and passed it to sasha, who hungrily took it with no hesitation.

“she won’t be coming back anyway.”

your gaze hardened, face becoming stony as you glared at your friend. when i’m out of this man’s grip, you threatened in your head, just you wait.

so fine, if he wouldn’t help you, then your more loyal friend would. you averted your gaze to marco, who was shaking his head slowly at that human horse’s actions. trust marco to lecture him about this, thank the walls.

“marco!” you called out as a final resort.

what happened next must have been a dream, for marco acted as though he had not heard you. fair enough, perhaps shadis’s voice was ringing in not only your ears, but everyone’s. you’ll call him again.

“marco!” you repeated.

he looked up. finally.

but the kind features on his face, that welcoming look he usually always had diminished instantly, as if it was never his to begin with. he looked down at his half empty plate, poking at his potato.

“yeah.. erm.. i don’t know who she is,” he said, and connie’s laughter only increased at that.

wow.

marco was pretending that you guys weren’t friends, acting as though you didn’t train together nearly every day, faking the fact that you would spend nights picking on jean together (well, that was mostly you, but he was a witness). marco was betraying you too.

you take every word you thought about marco back. he wasn’t an angel, he was a manipulative bitch.

helpless, you felt yourself finally fall limp in shadis’s grip, being dragged away to your doom (which, you notice, is the pathway to the stables).

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

“okay you don’t need to hold me, i can walk!” you protested sharply, shaking your arm firmly out of commandant shadis’s iron grip.

he was not impressed, and said absolutely nothing as he dug his nails in to your arm to drag you across the training field.

the heat of the sun was only just beating down on you, covering your once-cool-neck in droplets of sweat. your head felt hot and you knew that if you laid a hand on it, you’d just fry your palm; it did not feel pleasant at all. your feet were only dragging along the grass, you were trying to plant them in to the floor in (what you thought was) a sly attempt to lengthen the journey to the stables where you knew you’d be spending all day in, cleaning horse shit.

“move,” grunted shadis under his breath.

“would it kill you to ask nicely?” you grumbled back, quickly growing irritated with the situation.

“i’m not asking,” responded shadis, teeth gritted, “and the last time i tried being nice, i ended up inhaling a form of gas i shouldn’t have.”

“but —”

“god, have some self control,” sighed shadis exasperatedly, pushing you along.

“hey, now that i think about it,” you began, ignoring the way the man so rudely sighed (and he was exaggerating too), “you didn’t react nearly as badly as you did with sasha when she farted —”

“because i didn’t fall victim to it,” he answered, as the stables where the horses were kept grew closer and closer with each step. “it was probably you anyway.”

should i be offended or proud? you thought to yourself idly, as the sun smiled down maliciously at you.

small beads of sweat were now making themselves comfy on your soft skin; it did not help that the man’s grip on you never faltered once, and this act alone caused your attempt at breaking free to flee. he was breathing down your neck, harsh breaths through his nose that only added to the ridiculous heat of today. you looked around, eyeing the colossal trees as the wind playfully ruffled their leaves, the sound of nature blissfully meeting your ears in a bird song.

the area around you was growing darker as you were forced to march upon the grass, protected by the shadow of the same trees you were gazing at only moments ago. the coolness of the shade as the sunlight fell away was refreshing, like a bottle of ice cold water after training till your legs cramped up and your knees gave in. but something was off, you realised, as you stared up at the sky (a ridiculous decision seeing as the sun was not playing hide and seek with the clouds as it used to do). you were blinded momentarily, spots of green, blue and yellow clouding your vision wherever you looked.

despite this, however, your ears took charge, just as sharp when a twig snapped by the woods. you looked over your shoulder - ignoring the commandant’s grumbling - and foolishly looked around as if the spots weren’t preventing you from seeing much. there was something by the trees, you concluded wisely, brain working like commander erwin’s (well you assumed it did, because that man always looked like he was plotting some complicated shit).

it couldn’t be the cadets because they were all either in the mess hall, or their rooms. some were walking around the training field you had only just been dragged across, and the woods were out of bounds unless it was odm training season.

and then you saw it.

‘it’, because you didn’t know what it was.

a swift movement, so fast, you knew your eyes with normal vision wouldn’t have been able to comprehend it. a movement so agile, even mikasa on full speed gas wouldn’t have been able to compete with it (maybe a close call, but definitely not close enough to beat it). a movement so rapid, you might have even imagined it. a movement that was.. green?

and then there was nothing.

you shrugged it off for more than one reason: as the wooden, dented doors to the stables approached closer than ever, you didn’t hear a thing again. your normal vision was back again, so if must have been the colours that messed with your head. besides, it wasn’t unusual to hear things by the woods, like a twig snapping or the casual crunching of leaves that had fallen from the end of a tree trunk.

you swallowed down the dreadful feeling you were beginning to get - not because of the sight you thought you’d seen earlier, but because you were now forced to clean up horse poo because of the simple fact that you had passed gas.

it didn’t even bother you that the entirety of the 104th know this absurd fact. what bothered you was that you were now at the punishment everyone strived to avoid. even laps till sundown felt more appealing to do than this.

so as you (at last) finally reached the doors of the stables, pushed forward by your shoulders as you scrambled to regain your balance, you turned around to foolishly make a compromise.

“c’mon, commandant, you know i don’t have to do this,” you tried, wincing at the glare he was now sending you.

“my decision is final,” he grunted harshly, “never been more sure in my life.”

he made a small movement to turn.

“wait, wait!” you tried again loudly, swallowing a load of nothing as he side eyed you menacingly. perhaps now wasn’t the best time to piss him off even more.. so, sighing, you shake your head, a frown appearing on your face. “nothing.”

“thought so,” grunted shadis, turning his head the other way in a matter-of-fact type of manner. “up to it, cadet.”

unintentionally, you mimicked him silently, scrunching your face up and shaking your head in an exaggerative manner, mouthing the last four words he had just uttered to you. unfortunately, this did not bring you as much amusement as you wished it had, because he wasn’t even looking in your direction: he was walking away, or.. stomping away, rather. men are such drama queens, aren’t they?

you sighed, reluctantly turning on the spot and gazing up at your new home. it was very unlikely you’d spend any time training seeing as shadis seemed to have been final with his decision. usually, when he was really pissed off, you’d miss an hour of training to clean the mess hall, so it was only safe to assume that you would spend all your time with horse shit from now on. how.. eventful.

sourly, you began unlocking the wooden doors to your doom, pulling at the old-fashioned lock as you accepted your fate, frowning all the while. what had shocked you, however, was your name being called by the very man who had banished you to this very spot you wanted so desperately to leave. eager for anything to increase more time between you and the cleaning of horse poop, you swivelled on the spot, hissing inwardly as your exposed knee (curtesy of the commandant himself) scratched against the tree directly beside you. perhaps your excitement was a little too much, and could render you benched even after your punishment if you continued like this.

“yes sir?” you answered back, unsure of whether you should salute or not. perhaps not, just out of spite.

“you don’t have watchful eyes or ears, but unfortunately for me, you’re the only one i can ask as of now,” began commandant shadis, looking straight through you (quite literally, because his glare was that piercing and fierce).

you lifted your chin in questioning. curiosity engulfed your body whole, and the stinging sensation in your knee was only worsening, but you waited silently, patiently as the commandant continued.

“did you spot any movement in the woods, west side?”

you could practically fly with glee, no gear needed for the impossible. ‘yes, yes, yes i did,’ you were almost quick to answer, but then that would shorten the conversation and you’d be back to completing your very unhygienic task.

“when we were walking over here,” you confirmed honestly, trying your hardest to prevent your voice from cracking from the exhilaration you were currently feeling. “i saw movement.”

“i am going crazy then,” sighed shadis, shaking his head.

“why would you say that?” you asked, with genuine curiosity.

“because you said it.”

you frowned at him, realising what he had just said.

“bold of you to assume only this makes you crazy,” you accidentally spilled out. the realisation of what you had said caused your eyes to widen and your interest in the bland trees beside you to increase, so you turned on the spot, eyeing them in order to avoid eye contact with the commandant. even doing so, you could feel his glare burning holes in to the side of your cheek, so reluctantly, you looked back.

shit, he’s still staring.

look away..

okay look back now, should be done.

never mind, he’s persistent as fuck.

you mentally groaned before shakily pointing to the home of the horses behind you.

“i’ll just — er — yeah,” you stammered out, hastily turning away before he could say anything more.

this was going to be a long day.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

“stop it!” you sobbed, slamming your hands down on the hay as the midnight coloured horse in front of you looked down at you and snorted.

it had only been five minutes and you were a weeping wreck. now you understood why people avoided pissing shadis off, but in your defence, the last five minutes felt like five long and dawdling centuries doing the repetitive action of cleaning, only to then find that these beautiful (but stupid) horses have smeared their faeces over the wooden walls for you to clean again. sue me for crying, you thought frustratedly, using your sleeve to wipe away the fat tears gliding down your cheek in such an elegant manner.

really and truly, this was all erwin’s fault. you were going to lecture him when you find him, although you wouldn’t be too surprised if he attempted to avoid you from now on (that’s a lie, you’d be offended and shocked that your partner-in-crime decided to even think of such a thing).

you could hear faint voices outside - curtesy of the door being left slightly ajar to allow sunlight inside, lord knows what could pop out in the dark thanks to jean’s spooky story-telling that you stubbornly said were, indeed, not frightening at all - and it seemed to be the only thing that could pique your interest in this very moment. the horses were beginning to get on your nerves anyway, especially the one with the darkest fur, that one looked as though it were mocking your crisis. you threw the wet rag on to the floor and slowly rose from your kneeling position, grimacing after surpassing the most recent poo smeared over the walls; you listened intently.

the first voice you recognised almost immediately was shadis’s, gruff and deep, and with a slight hint of amusement? now that definitely hooked you in like a kid to sugar. who in wall rose was chatting up the untouchable commandant of the training corps? that man was picky, you could tell, and he was definitely not the easiest to please.

a tingling sensation ran up your spine, one so intriguing, you hand immediately flew to your face, rubbing away the excess salty water from mere seconds ago. what if it was a woman?

being part of the training corps was fun, sure, but it had been a long while since there was some juicy gossip around here. the only thing you had been latching on to was the love triangle that was jean, eren, and mikasa, and even that was bland, seeing as jean was clearly the third-wheeler. you found yourself beginning to carefully walk over, making sure the hay beneath you made as little noise as ever. this was news, just imagine the look on marco’s face when you tell hi—

marco.

marco that butt.

it hurts to think of him after that brutal betrayal.

it’s okay, because jean would most definitely find interest in —

jean.

jean that horse.

it hurts much worse to think of him after he monotonously handed your plate of bland food over to someone else directly in front of you.

their loss, you had concluded, as you grew nearer and nearer to the gap between the door. you still wanted to know who commandant shadis was so smitten by, regardless of whether you had marco and jean to tell or not. maybe this would be the information that could cover up your little.. incident.. that everyone was now aware of. you could practically hear their laughter ringing in your ears even now.

your plan was almost completely put to ruins when the other horses began neighing. you whipped your head back in obvious annoyance, surprised your neck hadn’t snapped right there and then.

“shush!” you hushed them, brows knitting together in contained fury. “go smear your shit somewhere.”

oh, well that was hypocritical.

you were now abruptly reminded of how shadis always wanted the opposite action from you, and when you did it, he would backtrack and say he wanted the first one. the same case has been used here with these horses, and you could even swear that the midnight one was sending you a look that said ‘look at this hypocrisy’.

before you could even begin to apologise to the poor horses you had scolded prior to this, you caught on to the second voice, presumably the one that you had supposed was shadis’s secret lover. but.. this voice was deep - muffled, yes - but deep. or maybe you were hearing it wrong, perhaps there was a much larger distance between you and them, perhaps the voices were more muffled than you thought, perhaps that was why this supposed ‘woman’ sounded more like a man. however, it’s true that many women could have deep voices too, so maybe that was it. maybe he was with a woman with a deep voice. or maybe he was with a man instead? who’s to say that the commandant wasn’t attracted to men?

you waved your hand frantically at the horses on the right that were making way too much noise, noise that was blocking out what you could hear of the conversation between shadis and his lover.

your pushed your head ever so slightly between the door and its frame, in to the gap and exposed to the sunlight. your eyes burned and watered, for you had been sheltered in the dark for more than five minutes, your eyes needed to adjust. blinking rapidly, as the pair’s conversation continued, your turned your head in the direction of their voices. the problem was, however, that you couldn’t see them anywhere. all around you was grass, trees, and the building further down where the rest of your fellow cadets were inside, no doubt eating the leftovers that were meant for you.

exhaling frustratedly to relieve yourself of the thought of the traitors, you squinted your eyes to get a better view ahead. they were still talking, and this time (now that you were fully concentrated) you could make out almost every single word..

as well as who the voices belonged to.

and that was including the second, manly voice.

one that you had presumed you would have had to wait to hear for at least a couple of weeks, after the faction selection part had occurred, so why were you hearing it now?

gripping on to the door frame so tight your knuckles turned pale, you leaned forward, one leg out in the open, half your head in view. eyes darting left and right, the minute the next sentence was uttered, you found them. they were standing near a tree farther to the left of the stables, conversing with each other about the 104th, and your suspicions were proven to be correct.

his stature could be recognised from miles away, different from any other male here in the training corps (along with the fact that he was wearing a cape with the wings of freedom etched beautifully on his back). your breath hitched in your throat, and abruptly, your back slammed against the wooden walls, knees buckling as he spoke once more. it was really him. captain levi was here, within a few metre range from you. but then that struck up the question. what the hell was captain levi doing here? it’s only weeks before the faction selection part would happen, why was he here so early?

as nosy as you were, you concluded that perhaps you would find out why he was here if you eavesdropped. you could almost sing, this was far better than sitting in the mess hall and eating. jean could give away anything of yours at this point, and you wouldn’t even bat an eye.

“many of the squirms are under the stupid impression that being part of the scout regiment is lightweight,” you heard the commandant’s gruff voice say. well, he wasn’t wrong.

“you mean to tell me that this years’ cadets have no backbone?” the captain responded, sounding as though he had almost expected this to happen.

your heart began hammering against your chest with such ferocity, you could swear it to be possible if it jumped out of your chest right there and then. you were going absolutely feral at the sound of his dulcet tones, and because of this, you were now promptly reminded of how this had never happened to you because of anyone else. how had a man you had only known for less than a week danced his way in to your heart?

you peaked your head out again. no, you concluded, he didn’t look much like a dancer to be fair.

suddenly, shadis’ head turned. your eyes widened.

you disappeared out of sight almost instantly. shit, shit, shit, you had thought all the while.

had he seen you? was he now under the impression that you were, in fact, not cleaning like you were ordered to? was he now walking over this way? what now?

your panic was put to rest the second you heard the conversation continue. perhaps he was just looking around, like any normal person would.

well that didn’t sound right. because you knew him very well, and you knew that shadis was anything but normal. at the same time, however, neither were you.

“no,” grunted shadis, and despite not being able to get a view of him, you could practically see the deep frown painted over his face, “there are a few that have potential. fat egos, but a lot of potential..”

there was a short pause before the conversation continued. even from this distance, you could hear the exasperated sigh he let out.

“why do you look like that?”

“like what?”

“like you’re constipated.”

you almost laughed, slapping a hand over your mouth to prevent anything from slipping past your smooth lips. the thing is, if you began laughing, there was no stopping. not only that, but it was loud too, and that would expose your undercover mission of eavesdropping on your two superiors, something you could not afford if you ever stood a chance with captain levi.

however, as soon as the amusement came, it went. your mouth, turned up with contained laughter, flipped itself upside down with a frown. you could feel the crease between your eyebrows beginning to form as the realisation began setting in: commandant shadis was having a conversation with his lover, right? and this conversation - which just so happened to be with captain levi - was almost flirtatious. the blood beneath your skin began to simmer on low heat, but all you could see was red. teeth gritted, it took all your sane thoughts to keep you rooted to the spot, to prevent revealing yourself and the state you were in, but that did not stop the murderous thoughts plaguing your mind like a disease deadlier than anything the people in the wall encountered.

commandant shadis was conversing in a flirtatious conversation with your beloved. he was shamelessly talking with someone who just so happened to be your husband. you felt like jean, who lost his crush to his competition, and yours just so happened to be with the very man who had ordered you to clean until your hands became calloused.

and suddenly it all clicked.

he had done this to prevent you from intervening with the captain, because he knew that once your appeared back in to the picture, the captain would wriggle his way out of the commandant’s iron grip to fall straight in to yours.. yours which were much, much gentler and lovelier.

teeth gritted, with your tongue glued to the roof of your mouth, you fumed silently, listening in. if it’s a competition commandant shadis wants, it’s a competition that he’ll get, you maliciously thought to yourself.

“there’s a cadet here who’s intent on joining the scouts. lots of potential, but will give you a headache with whatever she does - that sharp tongue of hers.”

“that drive will get her nowhere but dead on an expedition.”

“i’d be surprised if she willingly went to an expedition,” snorted commandant shadis, and despite being unable to see him, you could practically see the glare he was sending to whomever he had the chance to.

who was this cadet that the superiors were talking about? one thing for sure was that it was a girl with extreme potential: annie leonhart? you shook your head dismissively; she was joining the military police brigade, and this was a well known fact since the day her and eren were sparring. perhaps you could send a message to nile dok through her, seeing as you were banned from giving it to him yourself (which is extremely unfair, you have to add).

no, it was most definitely not annie. however, there seemed to be a choice much better than annie, and that was the 104th’s current number one: mikasa ackerman.

mikasa was a girl, and very rarely had a tongue sharper than the very blades she uses to slice open those cardboard titan’s during odm training. when she did show us some of her wit, it was the type that was harsher than anything anyone has ever heard of (which made it all the more amusing to watch). eren had decided that he wanted to be part of the scouts, and you knew that wherever eren went, his friends would follow (that was including mikasa). not only that, but she’s stronger than everyone in the 104th, so if it’s potential shadis was commenting on, potential is exactly what mikasa has. still, the word ‘potential’ gives off the idea that she could do better, which contradicts mikasa greatly due to the fact that she could get no better than she already is: she’s number one for fucks sake. and you couldn’t ignore the fact that mikasa could never give any of the superiors headaches, not when she did everything perfectly first try without even intentionally showing off. the girl was brave as fuck, too, why would she surprise shadis if she willingly went to an expedition? she’d go to one without question.

so no, not mikasa.

but then that only makes room for one other person you could think of.. and you knew her very well, to be fair.

it was..

most definitely..

sasha braus!

she’d given the commandant a headache on the very first day, when everyone first enlisted in to the training corps. she’s a girl, she ranks number nine, which means that there is room for improvement as well as the fact that she’s headstrong too (showing definite potential). the only thing stopping you from considering the fact that she might be the right candidate for this topic is the idea that sasha was undecided, she had told you a mere week ago about how she wasn’t too sure what military branch she would go for and that she’d have to hurry up and make her mind. that did still show that there’s a possibility she might choose the scout regiment, you thought wisely, and if she did, there’s a chance that she might back out of an expedition..

yep, she was the best candidate, you decided, growing more intrigued as the conversation continued.

“the expeditions are a requirement. if she doesn’t go to them, what’s the damn point?”

“trust me when i say this, captain, she will find a way to escape ‘em if she has to.”

there was a silence that engulfed them completely, where all that could be heard were the chirping of the birds, the rustle of the tree leaves, and the faint sound of laughter from somewhere down the fields of grass. you didn’t even feel isolated from it anymore, you felt you would much rather be eavesdropping than joining in on whatever was happening in the mess hall (you’d be damned if it was about you, too).

“at least she’ll be out of my hands. good luck.”

“good luck?” repeated captain levi, as if the words were like poison to the mouth. and even then, with him sounding as though he’d rather be titan food than meet this cadet, his voice still remained as majestic as ever.

“three years,” you heard the commandant sigh, “three years of the same bullshit she spews up. this might be the first time you send someone back.”

“i’ll leave that to erwin,” captain levi responded. “it’s likely i’ll never meet whoever you’re talking about. not when we all have separate squads to lead.”

“oh you will hear about her,” riposted shadis swiftly. “whether you’re all the way in mitras and she’s all the way residing in wall rose. if she’s part of your regiment, you will most definitely hear about her. word of advice: assign her to stable duty, it’s the most peace and quiet you’ll ever get. i learned the hard way.”

your stomach flipped over itself. stable duty? but sasha has never been sent to clean the stables. nobody has. the only person who has, however, is..

“and this is supposed to be recent?”

“it’s right now, captain.”

you.

they were talking about you.

this entire time you had been under the impression that sasha was the person they were having a conversation about, but it was you the entire fucking time. it was you when shadis mentioned how intent you were on joining the scouts, it was you when he said that there was potential in this case, it was you when he exasperatedly told captain levi about the headaches you give him, it was you all along.

now you were completely blind with rage. everything around you was the shade of what you imagined commandant shadis’s blood to be: crimson and runny, because it was the topic of you that he was using to shamelessly flirt with captain levi.

flattered as you were about how only the topic of you was able to bring out a conversation between them, you were irked with the idea that he was trying to win the captain over by slandering your name without actually saying your name.

to make matters worse, that midnight dark horse was now breathing down your neck. you shivered under the hot wind from its nostrils as you took several steps back. expecting to collide with the wall you had previously leaned against, you lost your balance.

your stomach was now in your throat, eyes widening with the sudden realisation that there was nothing to grab on to, arms still searching despite being well aware of that fact. your legs tripped back over one another as you flew down, accepting your fate with a cold heart, eyes closing as you took the scores in your head, back callously meeting the hard concrete below you.

shadis - 1 : me - 0.

pain shot up your spine, your head pounding and a harsh breath leaving your mouth. you had been caught, you knew it, because over the chirps of the birds and the rustling of the leaves hanging on the tree branches, your brilliant ears caught on to the vague sound of a grunt, whether it be from the captain or the commandant, you had no clue.

but that didn’t matter to you, not nearly as much as the anger you felt towards that damned horse that blew you cover (excusing the fact that you would have stormed up to the flirty pair yourself anyway, but at least that entrance would have been way cooler than this harsh reveal). your head was pounding, you could feel the warm sun over your face, laughing at your foolishness; even in the darkness you had shut yourself up in (eyes being shut tight and all) bright spots of colours clouded your vision, pink and blue, green and orange. they began forming weird shapes, very weird, like sludges of mud when falling in to a puddle during training with jean and marc—

“on your feet, cadet!”

for fuck’s sake —

“i couldn’t even if i wanted to,” you responded, and had your eyes been opened, you would have seen the way in which the captain’s eyebrows rose up further in to his forehead at your response (and perhaps, your appearance, too?).

you dared yourself to open your eyes, but thought better of it. instead, you turned and laid on your side, the left side of your cheek resting against the hot grass. that brought you not comfort, you quickly noticed.

when you received no response from commandant shadis, you huffed, astonished with how he cared about formalities in your horrible situation.

“sir,” you uttered through gritted teeth, completing your sentence angrily.

perhaps you’d have been in a much better state if you were aware of the fact that captain levi was standing over you, but you were only aware of shadis, under the impression that the captain had better things to do than seeking out the clumsy cadet that landed right on her ass.

“a horrible impression you’re leaving for the captain of the regiment you’re dying to join, squirm.”

now that opened your eyes.

foolish, again, because the blinding light of the sun cause you to groan and bring your hands up to your face to turn on the spot and shut your eyes once more. hearing the snort from your commandant got your blood boiling under high heat, heat rising to your neck and tips of your ears as you scrambled to get on your feet, stumbling slightly as you saluted. it was important to note just who you were saluting at, because it was certainly not for keith shadis.

you opened your eyes, ignoring the sting of the light, because no sting would ever prevent you from seeing what you were blessed with now: captain levi was definitely sculpted to break the hearts of many, many girls.. with dark hair resembling his grey eyes, resembling a storm on a cold winter’s day. the deep frown that called his face home only complimented his features further, but only caused you to wonder just how stunning he’d look if he smiled.

a lightbulb switched on over your head. new task, you thought excitedly, make the captain smile.

you knew it wouldn’t be an easy task, for the captain must have adopted this lack of emotion for good reason, maybe because of all the things he had seen in his time with the scouts. however, you were determined to bring him some form of happiness, however long it took. besides, it couldn’t be too hard. you had a very good streak with rendering people speechless and causing them to have their bellies aching from loud laughter.

but where you looked at him with eyes sparkling in delight, he looked back at you with half-lidded ones, unamused.

okay, so it was definitely going to be hard to get on his good side. what a brilliant first impression.

“a future scout, huh?” were the first four words that captain levi had ever spoken to you, and god did it have you absolutely spiralling. still, you refused to make it obvious that you were sending heart eyes at him (at least, in front of the commandant. in private it may be a different scenario).

“she wanted to be part of the garrisons first,” your new enemy, keith shadis, intervened. “had a change of heart, it seems.”

“no i never,” you lied, thinking of how captain levi may never want to be with someone who considered a regiment different to his to begin with. keith shadis is playing a good game, you thought, panicked. he was definitely making you get on the captain’s bad side so he could then win him over, but you saw right through him. “i’ve always wanted to be a scout.”

the commandant’s left eye twitched.

that’s right, you thought maliciously, i can play your game too.

he seemed to be taken aback with how you realised what he was doing. a voice at the back of your head was suggesting that maybe the commandant was surprised that you were lying about something you were so proud of, but you brushed it aside dismissively, almost one hundred percent certain it was because of how smart you were at how you easily figured out his feelings for the captain, wasting no time at all at that.

“lying to your superiors is another reason for me to send you back inside. just make sure you don’t fall on your ass again,” said keith shadis, almost as though it were a threat.

“i’m not lying,” you retorted stubbornly.

“would cadets kirstein and bott plead your case?”

now that startled you.

wow, you hadn’t realised how good of a game keith shadis could play. but of course he could, for the few days that you knew the captain for could not possibly compete with the many years he knew the captain for.

it’s okay, you convinced yourself calmly, because captain levi and i have more chemistry than him and captain levi do.

your eyes immediately met the captain’s, aware that if there was any sort of chemistry, you’d be making out in front of your competition right now.

whatever. it’s a couple’s thing, you concluded.

right now you had to deal with the man who was knowingly trying to steal your husband.

“i have no idea who you’re talking about,” your answered wisely. “but you could always ask sasha.”

now there was a very good reason why you suggested her, because in favour of this, you would offer her your dinner without question. there were many times you had sasha backing you for trouble you’ve caused, because food was the only thing you had to offer that she would blindly accept. thank god for sasha braus.

keith shadis clasped his hands behind his back, straightening himself up as he glared at you. good, you were slowly winning.

“indecisive about the regiments,” said keith lowly, “that won’t make a good scout.”

“you’d be surprised,” the captain intervened swiftly, eyes unlacing from your smaller figure, “even the incompetent turn out to survive the longest.”

despite your face proving silent surprise, your insides were celebrating, mind reeling at the thought that captain levi had sided with you. you smugly turned your head just the slightest bit to eye keith shadis, who was still glaring at you.

you retook the points in your head.

keith - 1: me - 1.

“what are you grinning about?” demanded captain levi, who was now staring straight through your soul with a piercing gaze.

you frowned ever so slightly. he really looked as though he were sculpted with such elegance even when he was glaring. the only thing you found slightly wrong was how he was choosing to glare at you rather than the home-wrecker next to him.

“so all it took was the captain of the scout regiment to wipe that smirk off your face, huh?” snorted keith, your arch nemesis. “if i’d known that earlier, i’d have done it three years ago.”

“yeah, well, no one asked.”

silence.

complete and utter silence.

a calm before the storm, really, where shadis and captain levi both watched you: shadis’ breath beginning to be heaved out of his nose and captain levi’s face forming an expression of mild surprise. and you, however, remained rooted to your spot, no regret eating at your insides like they usually would when you would sense an incoming earful from your commandant. perhaps it was because of the fact that you knew keith shadis was after your husband that made you bolder than you’d ever been in your life, but whatever it really was, you thanked it endlessly as without it, you’d have already ran back inside to clean without question.

“i wasn’t aware that i needed permission from a trainee to speak,” keith spat out with venom, callously reminding you that yes, indeed, you were much lower ranking in comparison to him.

you narrowed your eyes at your superior, who clearly knew exactly what he was doing.

“i’m graduating in a matter of a couple of weeks,” you reminded him, and because he knew you so well, he could hear the smugness in your voice that, perhaps, captain levi could not. “and when i’m part of the scouts, you can’t boss me around anymore, keith.”

his eye twitched.

oh fuck.

not a good sign..

but i’m not scared?

why am i not scared?

“what did you just call me?” questioned the commandant, looking just as shocked as he had once been when sasha had offered him half of her potato.

you raised a brow.

“your name?” you answered, allowing it to sound more like a question than it did a statement. “you’re really confusing you know. did you forget your own na—”

“I KNOW MY OWN NAME, CADET, BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU’VE FORGOTTEN YOURS!” he bellowed, so unexpectedly, your had to take a step back to allow the ringing in your ears to stop.

as you rubbed your right ear and stared at him through knitted brows, you did not stop to mention how wrong he was.

“what’re you talking about? i know my name. it’s y/n —”

“he meant your position,” interrupted captain levi, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. he stood there, looking up at shadis with disappointment. “you’ve lost your control, old man. last year’s cadets weren’t nearly as brave as this single one. mind telling me what happened?”

this was your cue, you decided proudly. taking a sheepish step back, you intervened.

“i can.”

both eyes shifted straight back to you. where the commandant was looking thoroughly exasperated, the captain was looking annoyed, with something else hiding behind his cold exterior of blandness.. it looked like he was almost intrigued? or had you read the lines wrong again..?

“but before i begin on that, i want to let you know, kei— i mean, commandant shadis, sir, that jean told me to do it.”

“jean?” repeated commandant shadis, with an air of confusion.

you nodded.

“jean,” you confirmed matter-of-factly. “he told me to call you keith. and as for why keith has been slacking, captain,” you added, turning to captain levi, “he —”

“get back to work, cadet,” sighed captain levi, rolling his eyes before you could even finish your sentence. “inside the stables. now.”

you nodded without hesitation, rushing back inside with butterflies in your stomach. as you slowly closed the wooden door separating yourself and your superiors, the little light left in the stables diminishing the more you pushed the wood, your back immediately met the wall, sliding down in amazement as you drowned yourself in your thoughts.

looking at him up close was a gift sent from god-knows-who, but you thanked them nonetheless. the idea that captain levi sent you back inside because he was siding with you and not keith made your insides dance with joy, the giddy feeling rushing back to you faster than mikasa on odm. you retook the points in your head one last time, before cleaning the poo with a new, positive mindset:

(captain levi’s wife) y/n - 2: (ugly, bald, home-wrecker) keith - 1

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

he felt bad.

he knew he shouldn’t, a new situation with you and the commandant arose nearly every week, he dares say every day, even, and every damn time, you tried to use him or marco as an escape plan.

to be fair, it wasn’t really his fault that he refused again. besides, what could he have done? attack the commandant, grab you, and run? risk his position as the current number six?

you, obviously, would say ‘yes! what’s wrong with that?’ and then give him a good smack round the back of his head as punishment so he knew for next time, but still, jean felt just the tiniest bit bad for refusing you.

even though he shouldn’t. that was very important to note. he should. not. feel. bad.

yet he did.

and then he felt worse when word got around that you were dragged to the stables. nobody ever pissed shadis off that much to end up there. but of course, you did. you just had to.

jean was currently leaving the boys’ barracks, slyly attempting to see if you had made it round to the next set of training exercises. the window just past the door to commandant shadis’ office was large enough to see every bit of grass that people were training on. he grimaced when he caught sight of annie tackling eren with little effort. that girl was dangerous.

“kirstein,” came a gruff voice from just down his neck, where heavy breaths were being laid.

jean froze up, every muscle in his body becoming tense and tight, like a knot difficult to untie. he turned on the spot and knowingly saluted, aware of all the mistakes you usually made in the presence of the commandant so that he (cleverly) never made any.

“sir!” he voiced firmly, heat now flying all around his body, hiding specifically under his pits where sweat was beginning to form. what was he so nervous about? he had done nothing wrong.

the commandant did not fail to notice this.

“you look like you’re causing mischief, maggot,” he stated as though it were a definite fact. “and scared shitless you’ll be caught. perfect for titan meal.”

what?

what the fuck does that even mean?

“i plan on joining the military police.. sir,” jean dared to reply.

commandant shadis snorted.

what do i do? thought jean, panicked. do i laugh? agree? what the fuck is happening right now?

“cadet l/n won’t be impressed.”

“she isn’t,” said jean hastily, guilt circling his stomach. “sir.”

“i was always under the impression that she got herself in to trouble because she didn’t know how to control herself,” began commandant shadis, as if telling a life story. jean listened intently. “part of that is true, do not get that mistaken. i learned today.”

jean held his breath.

“but you know what she did when i spoke to her?”

jean shook his head shakily. “what did she say.. sir?”

the commandant raised his brow. “so you know it’s what she said and not what she did, huh?”

“i —” stammered jean, confused. “i don’t under—”

“she said something, you know. to me. how did you know?”

“i didn’t..” jean answered, shaking with nerves. shit, sound real. “i just know her really well, sir.”

“that well, huh?” marvelled the commandant. “any idea what she said?”

jean laughed dryly. “probably something stupid, right? sir?”

“she called me keith.”

oh fuck.

oh shit.

what the fuck y/n?

jean found himself holding his breath, and something was tickling his nose like a feather, daring him to laugh. he wanted to laugh. he wanted to joke about this all day and night. he wanted to turn around and wallow in laughter. but he couldn’t, not with the commandant watching his every move through narrowed eyes.

he sucked in a load of air and kept them inside his cheeks. perhaps he could play this off as being annoyed at your antics.

“you find this funny, eh?”

“no, sir,” he responded, breathing out a little of the air he had sucked in. “not at all, sir.”

“i would assume that the very person who told her to do it would find it amusing, kirstein.”

now that stopped him from laughing.

he ran the commandant’s words through his head one more time.

i would assume that the very person who told her to do it would find it amusing, kirstein.

hang on a second, jean thought in a panic, but before he could plead his innocence, commandant shadis’ hand flew up, grabbed at his ear, and jean was being dragged across the training field in a hurry.

as all eyes were on him, jean cursed you multiple times in his head. every inch of guilt he once felt now died out as if it was never there to begin with.

“fuck you, y/n.”

“you should be grateful!” you snapped, wiping your hands with a wet paper towel as you gestured to the horses surrounding you two. “i brought you home to your family!”

and as jean made eye contact with the horse that had managed to piss him off the most compared to the rest, he made a mental note never to cross you again.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

geez, 2 months since the first chap 😭 i’m so sorry, i’ve just been really busy with exams and studying like mad bc good grades = good future, but in exchange, i’ve given you a chapter over 10k words, so like y/n said to jean, be grateful :)

anyways enjoy this while i take another month juggling writing + studies 😭 i wanna kms omds

all characters belong to hajime isayama, apart from y/n, who i've inserted in to the story myself.

previous chapter :) next chapter :)

tag list: (send an ask to be added)

@inkthgoat @loki1230 @leviackermanst @laccey

#levi ackerman #levi ackerman fluff #levi ackerman oneshot #levi ackerman x reader #levi aot #levi attack on titan #levi snk #levi x reader #levi x y/n #levi x you

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peakyblindersxx · 4 years ago

Note

May I request a john smut in which, despite being the cocky beast that he usually is, he manages to get all gentle and intense when, after years of mutual pining, he finally makes love to ada's best friend who's younger and totally inexperienced. Idk I just need this to be fucking intense, like John suffocating his desire for ages and now finally indulging in his worst temptation and showing her what lust is... please i'll burn in hellll

a/n: first of all let me say: this killed me. like, it’s literally all i can think about. god help me. but thank you so fucking much for requesting this bc i liked it sooo much that i decided to make a mini series out of it with the help of my babe @stxdyblr-2k who was sweet enough to offer to ghostwrite on the series 🥰 and to all my other angels who requested fics, don’t worry i will get them done! just wanna give you guys the best quality work i can. my 1st priority are some tommy requests i got, as well as some michael ones after :)

love, abi xxx

whiskey business - john shelby x reader (1 of ?)

warnings: nsfw! eventual smut, slow burn, john being sexy as all hell but also soft

John couldn’t tear his eyes off of you. From the moment you walked into the Garrison, arm loosely linked with Ada’s, clad in a black lace dress that hugged you just right, he couldn’t stop staring. Even Tommy and Arthur had noticed, cracking some joke about him being pussy whipped. The words floated right over his head, his mind on one thing only. The last time he had seen you, you were barely eighteen, cheeks pink as you waved goodbye out the train window to Ada as she sobbed. Ada had always had a flair for the dramatic, but the two of you had practically been attached at the hip your entire lives. So, he consoled her, reminding her that university wasn’t forever, that you would be back soon enough. And back, you were, red-stained lips sipping at a glass of something that Ada had practically shoved in your face. You weren’t a girl anymore, black heels crossed at the ankle as you sat across the room in a booth, laughing as Ada waved her arms, telling some sort of story.

“Just fuckin’ talk to ‘er, John-boy,” Arthur’s voice cut through John’s train of thought like a sharp knife, and he focused his eyes on his two brothers sitting at the booth across from him, clouds of smoke from Tommy’s incessant smoking heavy in the air around them.

“Fuck off,” John returned as he stood, earning a chuckle from Tommy.

“That’s right,” Arthur shouted as John made his way towards the bar, rolling his eyes at his older brothers. “Make sure you show her a real good time, eh?” Arthur’s voice was soon drowned out by the crowd around John, as they parted to let him walk through. He didn’t even see them, his eyes trained on your smile. Fuck, you were pretty.

***

“So, then I fucking kicked him in the balls.” Ada’s eyes sparkled triumphantly as she recalled the time she’d incited a riot, managing to cause great injury to a certain part of a policeman’s body. She did so casually, like it was no big deal. You couldn’t control your laughter as Ada grinned, pleased that she’d been able to make you laugh. “Fuckin’ missed you, Y/N,” she professed, shooting the rest of her gin and gesturing at the bartender to “leave the fuckin’ bottle, already.”

“Missed you too,” you smiled back at her, happy to be back in Birmingham in the company of an old friend. London was beautiful, but lonely. There was something inside you that missed the dirty streets, the crowded pubs bursting with familiar faces.

“Had to come over here myself to make sure it was you,” A deep voice interrupted your reverie and you looked up to see none other than Ada’s older brother John, looking even handsomer than the last time you’d seen him, in a grey-three piece suit, a cigar hanging from his lips. You’d had the hugest crush on him growing up, and the butterflies swimming around in your stomach seemed to confirm that you still found the tallest Shelby brother irresistible.

“Hi, John,” You offered him a shy smile and scooched over as he slid into the booth next to you, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to your cheek. You couldn’t help but drink in the smell of his cologne, the various drinks that Ada had encouraged you to down making you press yourself closer to him.

“M’kay, if you’re going to fuck, at least wait until I’m gone.” Ada’s voice snapped you out of it and you looked away, a pink blush staining your cheeks.

“Says the one who managed to fuck three of my best mates before you left school,” John retorted, causing Ada to roll her eyes, shooting her whiskey and pouring the three of you another glass each.

“I feel like getting drunk, and I’m not doing it alone,” Ada announced, causing both you and John to crack a smile at her forcefulness.

“Good thing we took a cab here,” you returned, before shooting your whiskey. If you were going to have to stare at John all night, you thought, you might as well be drunk doing it. Wasn’t like he was going to be staring back.

***

Ada was shitfaced, dancing in the middle of the pub. Luckily, Isaiah had stepped in as her partner, making sure her stumbling didn’t cause her to trip and fall. Unluckily for you, this left a tipsy you and John alone tucked into a booth in the corner of the room, out of view. The conversation was friendly, and you were trying your best to keep your mind off the way you could see John’s forearms practically bulging out of his suit. It wasn’t fair, you thought to yourself, for him to walk around looking like that. Especially when you knew that he was probably fucking the latest movie star, or something. It was almost impossible for you to keep your head straight, yet you managed to keep it civil. However, you couldn’t help your gaze from drifting to his lips. God, they were so pink and looked so soft, it was unfair. You couldn’t stop yourself from imagining how they’d feel on your mouth, let alone other parts of your body. Jesus, you were fucked.

A third of a bottle of whiskey later, you couldn’t help but let yourself slide closer to him, heart beating fast in your chest as you sat tucked into his side, his arm around you as you laughed at a joke he’d made, something about the stick up Tommy’s ass. Your eyes shone as they met his blue ones, his arm sliding down until his fingers were brushing against your waist, radiating heat into your skin.

“Y’know, I’d tell you how fuckin’ pretty you look tonight, but I think you already know that,” John rumbled into your ear, lips just barely brushing against your neck. Your breath hitched, and he noticed, a small grin spreading across his lips.

“You’re something else, you know that?” You shot back, a small smile threatening to take over your lips.

“M’not just sayin’ that. Couldn’t take my eyes off ‘ya, since you walked in.” John wasn’t kidding. For a second you didn’t know how to reply, staring up at him with a slight look of disbelief. The whiskey, however, had other plans, and had decided to respond for you.

“Can't keep your hands off me now." You smirked, waiting for him to escalate the moment, anticipation and liquor silencing the blaring alarm in your mind. God, you shouldn't want him as badly as you do.

"Can you blame me?" He muttered, dragging his fingers across the lace of your dress, tracing the pattern's loops absentmindedly, watching your jaw tense and lips part to take a gasping breath, your jacket having long vanished into the chaos of the pub. Your arms wound themselves around his neck, fingers twisting into his short hair. "Fucking come 'ere lass."

His strong arms lifted you onto his knee, gripping a thigh to help you balance, the friction of his rough hand against the stiff fabric pushing your dress up slightly. The need for more and the desire to know him completely intoxicated you far more than anything from a bottle; you'd never felt as though you were on fire from your drunk hookups. His fingers found the zip of your dress, tugging it down desperately, gripping the flesh of your exposed shoulder blades. A small groan erupted from your lips as you felt him chuckle below you, pressing a thumb to your lips to quieten you.

"John," you whined, pouting playfully against his thumb.

"I'll sort you out, I swear," He muttered, slipping his thumb between your lips. Instinctively, you sucked, locking eyes with him, his hand straying from your back to roughly grab your jaw, holding your gaze. "But if you're going to scream your 'ead off, we'll get caught."

"You wish you could make me scream, John-lad."

"Come off it, I could ruin you, Y/N." He stated, lifting your jaw, as though memorising the construction of your face, tone brimming with a cocky confidence only John could make attractive. "You want that?"

"More than anything." The words tumbled out of your mouth thoughtlessly, watching how his jaw tightened in response as you attempted to read his expression. He studied you for what must've only been a few seconds, but the moment passed so slowly, you could barely remember what it felt like to not be examined by his dominating blue eyed stare.

His grip guided your face to his, fingers tilting your chin so John's lips could brush against yours, before pulling you into a heated almost aggressive kiss, the straps of your dress barely grazing your shoulders, the hem of your dress bunching around your waist as he reached down your back to grab your bum in a firm squeeze. Your mouth gaped open in a gasp of pleasure, John taking the moment to run his tongue against your lips, gaining access and deepening the kiss. You were so caught up in the thrill of John's seduction that you hadn't noticed his hand suddenly pull away after moving your skimpy underwear to one side. You had instinctively ground your hips against him, he'd broken the kiss to let out a string of curses, complimenting you through his quickening breaths (“Fuckin’ wet for me already, aye?”), gripping your thigh. But as soon as he had pulled the thin silk from your thighs, the atmosphere shifted, his lip curling in frustration as his hands left your skin as though your flesh was suddenly scalding.

"John?" You prompted, resting a hand on his shoulder, noticing the dark shadows under his eyes for the first time.

"It's getting late."

"What?" Your voice sounded high and whiny, you mentally scolded yourself for sounding so needy. It was embarrassing to be rejected by the man you've admired for many years, but even worse to be openly vulnerable and so pathetic in front of your best friend's brother.

Ada.

Oh fuck.

Realisation hit you, it was either that or the unholy quantity of alcohol you'd downed which turned your stomach. You had gone too far this time. It was one thing to flirt with John and desire him from a distance, it was an absolute betrayal to have sex with him, knowing Ada's insecurity about being used to get close to her gangster brothers- sex, power and politics. You had sworn during those tearful walks around the canal that you'd never hurt her. You couldn't do that to her.

Your sudden panic must've been obvious, you tried to stand up from John's lap, stumbling slightly, only regaining balance due to a sudden arm across your back, anchoring you upright.

"No one has to know. It's our secret yeah?" He muttered into your ear, his words comforting.

You nodded silently, the reality of the situation settling in. Your hands are shaking by your sides, John catches them, locking his fingers with yours.

"It's fine, now. Nothing happened yeah?" He stood up in front of you, his muscular physique looming before you, the creases across his torso reminding you that just a few minutes ago his body was under yours, he was breathless, needing your skin against his, desperate and vulnerable. "I'll zip you up. Turn around."

His hands dropped from yours to fumble clumsily with your zip, struggling in the gloom and fog of intoxication, he eventually succeeded, the lace clinging to the curve of your hips, waist, back and chest again. You wished it was him instead that was skimming your figure but you pushed the thought away with a simple, "Thanks."

"I'll walk you home yeah?" He offered, as he straightens your skirt and his tie, allowing you to fix his crumpled shirt collar and the row of shining buttons below his throat which you'd ripped open as he whispered dirty nonsense in your ear, smirking at how you arched your back and swore back at him through your moans.

"Isaiah already said he would, it'd be better for us both that way. You know how people around here talk." You replied, glancing at the mirror on the wall of the booth to quickly smooth your tousled hair. Despite only recently returning to Small Heath, you'd already encountered the rife gossiping and quickly realised your neighbour was incapable of minding his own business. "Nobody has to know, right?"

John nodded, disappointed but appreciating your rationale and quick thinking despite your state, "Right."

"Good night, John," You said politely, ignoring the tension in his tone and the sudden soft sadness of his eyes, turning your back and walking to the door. Back to the sticky dance floor, back to Ada, Isaiah, Finn, Tokyo, back to spilling drinks, ashing cigarettes, back to noise, safety and far from the man who made your morals vanish with the same lines he uses on probably every single one of his conquests. Fuck it. You were going to enjoy it, you sped up your pace in your heels, trying to ignore your shaking legs. You tried to ignore the guilty twang in your gut when Ada screamed your name across the pub and stumbled over, dragging some lad on her arm, pressing drunken kisses to your forehead and cheeks.

You couldn't help but look back to see his shadow sloping away into the darkness of the booths closer to the dance floor, being bullied mercilessly by his brothers you assumed. You watched him fake a smirk, take the knuckles to his brow from Arthur, snap an insult back to Thomas and settle into his rightful seat. You only shifted your gaze to Ada for a moment but when you looked back up, he was staring at you, jaw tense, icy stare burning into yours, arms folded on the table, the gold chains of his sleeve garters barely glinting in the dim light. He looked away but you could see his cheeks were flushed with blood even in the glow of the oil lamps.

Pretending nothing happened was going to be impossible.

***

to be continued!

#john shelby smut #john shelby x reader #john shelby imagine #peaky blinders smut #peaky blinders imagine #john shelby masterlist #peaky blinders masterlist #john shelby fluff #john shelby x y/n

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spencersawkward · 4 years ago

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omg I’m so excited you’re on here and taking requests!! do you think you could do something like baby Spence losing his virginity to a close friend & it’s like adorable, goofy, fluffy smut bc he cannot get over the fact that he’s actually having sex with someone

I’VE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS ONE-- TURN IT UP!!!

on a serious note, i'm so glad you asked for this one bc i really wanna add a scene like this in the fic i'm working on rn. i'm v excited.

summary: when the secret of Spencer's virginity gets accidentally spilled in front of the whole team, reader goes to check on him.

word count: 5.6k

relationship: Fem!Reader/Spencer Reid

content warnings: unprotected penetrative sex, creampie, fluff.

masterlist

hanging out with the team is easily the best part of the week. after spending days in Arizona with our focus entirely on the most recent case, my mind is practically ready to snap. I feel like I've been running on fumes, and when Penelope suggested we take the evening to hit our favorite bar, I was practically already out the door.

so now I'm sandwiched between JJ and Emily as we throw back our first shots of the night. my skin is already flushed with the elation of laughter, the pleasant thrum of conversation that surrounds us.

"that's bitter." JJ makes a face when she slams the empty glass on the table. I screw up my nose.

"why did we pick vodka?" I hate vodka.

"it gets the job done." Emily laughs. I shudder at the aftertaste that sits on my tongue.

Morgan wanders over, Pen on his arm while she totes a brightly colored pink alcohol. they're flirting as usual, but she pauses in her witticisms to grab my arm.

"we're playing truth or shot in that booth over there." she says to me, then gets the attention of the other two women. I let out a disbelieving laugh.

"truth or shot? like truth or dare but without the dare?"

"Reid, is that you?" Morgan says sarcastically. I slug him in the arm with a pout.

"be nice." but I'm giggling. he loops his arm through mine and we head back to the table, Penelope already starting a new conversation with JJ and Prentiss as they follow. Spencer is sitting in the booth with an Arnold Palmer, sipping from the straw like it's his job. I slide into the spot next to him.

"hi, you." I smile. "I haven't seen you at all tonight."

he holds up his glass. "I don't really drink."

"that's fine," I wave it off. "I just meant I wanted to hang out with you."

"oh." he smiles a little. "sorry."

"no big deal. you're here now." I shrug and turn to Pen as she calls my name.

"I'm gonna order a bottle. that okay?" she points to the bar with a mischievous smile. glancing once at Spencer and his slightly awkward position between Morgan and me, I make a snap decision.

"you know what? I think I'll just have a lemonade."

"you sure? Jayge said you spent the whole plane ride back talking about getting wasted--" Penelope's words cause a blush to spread over my face. I cut her off.

"I'm sure. thanks, Penny."

she nods. "of course, sweet cheeks."

I focus back on Reid, who is looking at me gratefully. he would never say it out loud, but I know he feels a little out-of-place sometimes. it's hard enough for him to come out with us to bars; the least I can do is be a sober friend. I open my mouth to start a conversation about an article I read the other day when Prentiss speaks.

"okay, so... who's ready?" her voice, always so certain, carries over the table. all of us make enthusiastic noises of assent, and she grins as Penelope returns with an armful of glasses. Derek gets up to grab the actual alcohol, and then when we're all settled in, the game begins.

"the rules are simple: you tell the truth, or you drink!" the tech analyst explains. the stakes for Spencer and me are lower, but that doesn't really matter. I'm excited to hear the team divulge their secrets.

"I'll start." Prentiss doesn't even hesitate before she looks at Morgan. "Derek, are you still sleeping with that one woman from sex crimes?"

Morgan raises his eyebrows at the question, irises flitting between Emily and the rim of his drink. there's a slight smirk on his face; he knows what a player he is and he's okay with flaunting it.

"Ally? no." he sighs. "things didn't end well between us."

"what? why?" I ask, eyes widening before I look around at everyone. "who is this woman?"

"cool your jets, sparky." Morgan teases me. "only one question per round."

"I'll tell you later." Prentiss raises her drink in my direction and winks.

"uh, no no." Morgan attempts to stop her, but JJ interrupts him.

"speaking of things not ending well," she says loudly. "Pen, why did you and Sam break up?"

"well," Penelope sticks her tongue between her teeth as she thinks it over with a devilish smile. her lips are a ruby red tonight, bright against her pale skin and big eyes. "to be completely honest, he just wasn't... doin' it for me. you know?"

"like--?" Emily glances down at her lap. Pen nods quickly and I snicker. JJ looks awestruck.

"I thought it was going so well."

"it was, but..." Penelope seems to genuinely think this over before she speaks. "if it's right, it just clicks. and it never clicked with Sam."

"profound." I compliment, high-fiving the high-energy blonde. we giggle before she turns to me with a glint in her eye.

"oh, do I have a plan for you," she smirks. "tell me, Y/N: if you had to sleep with one person on our team, who would it be?"

"women included?" I clarify, my cheeks suddenly on fire. how come everyone got easy questions except for me? I'm really just biding time.

"of course." she nudges my shoulder. I mull this over for a minute. I could say the truth, but I don't think that would be the right thing to do. however ironic that is. given the situation, I do something which I have never been good at and which I don't enjoy doing: I lie.

"although all of you are catches," I preface. "I think I would probably pick Emily."

Prentiss almost chokes on her own spit as her head snaps to see my face.

"me?" she asks.

"low-pressure fun." I shrug, the stress of the moment rolling off my shoulders with the ensuing laughter of my team members. Spencer takes a sip of his drink and peeks at me from his spot before I focus my attention to JJ.

we go on like this for a while, our original plan of "truth or drink" really just turning into a game of "truth and drink." as our laughter gets progressively louder, our questions and answers get progressively more provocative. we get into risky territory towards the fourth round, and I can practically feel Spencer's discomfort radiating off of him. thank god everyone has been taking it easier on him with their questions.

that is, until Morgan hits about five shots and decides to throw him to the wolves.

"so, Reid," he asks. there's no malice in his tone and I'm sure he's not meaning to embarrass the boy genius, but the question makes me wince anyways. "have we made any progress on the virginity front?"

it's like a fucking pall over the table. Reid goes rigid in his spot, and JJ's protective eyes dart between him and Morgan. Penelope's jaw drops.

"wait, Reid, you're a--?" her voice is tender, not judgmental, but Spencer's cheeks turn pink and he looks at Derek with a hurt expression.

"not cool." he says, body shifting in my direction. his eyes communicate everything; without a word, I know what he wants. I scoot out of the booth, letting him slip by me to walk outside.

truly, I'm speechless. we all stare at his lanky frame push through the door, but nobody talks until at least fifteen seconds pass.

"what the hell was that, Morgan?" JJ asks.

"I thought everyone knew--" he throws his hands up. "I swear I wouldn't have said anything if--"

"why would everyone know that?" I feel myself get angry for Spencer's sake. "that's an incredibly personal thing, especially to him."

"that wasn't you, my love." Penelope's voice is soft, sobered by the incident that just occurred. the playful air at the table is officially ruined, and we keep glancing at the doorway like Reid will come back in and everything will be fine. he doesn't.

"I'm gonna go apologize." Morgan starts to get up, seemingly beginning to realize the weight of his words. it's one thing to ask about Reid's sex life in general; it's another to point out specifically the entire absence of it. Spencer doesn't seem to be bothered by most things, but this is different. my heart hurts.

we watch Morgan go, the women all looking at each other with worried expressions.

"I feel bad." Penelope says.

"y'know, Spence never told me that." JJ observes.

"he really trusts Morgan." Prentiss says what we're all thinking. Morgan has always been like a big brother to him, and being embarrassed in front of your co-workers like that can't be a pleasant feeling.

we sit in a relative silence for about five minutes until Morgan walks back into the bar. he pulls out his wallet and pays for the drinks, then walks over to us.

"I'm gonna go for a walk. do you need me to call you all cabs?" he asks. those dramatic brows are drawn low over his face, emphasizing his regret. I look between my friends and clear my throat.

"it's okay. I only had one shot about an hour and a half ago. I can drive everyone home."

"okay," Morgan sighs, his head turning briefly to the door before focusing back on us. "drive safe, ladies."

and then he's gone.

"you guys ready?" I start to shrug my jacket on. they all nod and we get ready to go.

...

sitting in my apartment later that night, my head is swimming. even though it's none of my business what happens in Spencer's sex life, I wish I could tell him that it's okay. nobody cares at all if he's a virgin or not. but I know it's still embarrassing.

I hate that I lied earlier tonight, too. I wanted to say Spencer's name when they asked who I wanted, because I meant it. we're close, and I will always love him as a friend. but I've also always wanted more.

nobody, not even any of the other BAU women, know about my crush. I didn't want it to get in the way, or for it to come out and ruin my friendship with Reid. he doesn't like me like that, and that's fine, but what's not fine is not having him as my friend.

he was the first person I really connected with when I came here, and I feel a little protective over him, too.

once the clock hits eleven, I consider calling. he’s definitely not asleep yet. Spencer is a night owl. normally at this time he'd be curled up with a huge book, reading impossibly fast.

when he picks up on the third ring, the air leaves my lungs.

"Y/N?" he asks, more surprised than anything else.

"hey, Spence--" I hesitate, suddenly not sure what to say. sorry Morgan told everyone you're a fucking virgin? “do you wanna come over?"

maybe if I see him face-to-face, I'll be able to collect my thoughts better. the words hang in the air, festering over the line until I'm just about to take them back, before he replies.

"y-yeah. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

my hands are shaking at my side when I open the door for the tall genius. he's still wearing his outfit from earlier, hair slicked back like normal. I've settled for my usual sweatpants and t-shirt winning combo. it's not like he cares.

"hey." I smile, trying to read his micro expressions. there are two possible outcomes here, knowing him: either he's going to be totally, completely over it, or he'll be able to write a War-and-Peace-length book on why he's upset.

"hi." he gives a wan smile and I let him into my apartment, closing the door behind him and gesturing to the couch.

"I missed this place." he says absently, looking around at the mess of decor and case files. I snort as I recall the last time he was here. he wanted to borrow a book that I had, and we ended up watching an entire docu-series about homing pigeons. it was surprisingly interesting; mostly because his commentary is both informative and funny.

"it missed you." I anthropomorphize my living space, but the phrase hangs heavy. I'm worried about him. I'm always worried about Spencer. he turns to look at me, opening his mouth to say something. I brush past him and walk into the kitchen. "coffee?"

"sure." he follows me like a lost puppy, leaning against the counter while I pull out two mugs and get to work.

"hey," I pause for a moment to look him in the eyes. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry-- about what happened... tonight."

"oh, that?" he scoffs, waves it off unconvincingly. "it's fine."

I raise my brows the slightest bit, never breaking eye contact. he wouldn’t have come if he didn’t want to talk about it. he cracks easily.

"it's just embarrassing, you know?" he says, staring out my kitchen window to alleviate his own nerves. I gesture for him to follow me back into the living room and I sit down criss-cross applesauce on the couch. he mirrors me, kicking off those cute black Converse.

"I don't think the fact itself is embarrassing, but I totally get why it feels that way. he shouldn't have said anything." I nod.

"like, that's personal. a-and--" he hesitates a moment, gesticulating wildly now. "and it's not like he's got any right! at least I don't go around with so many girls that I forget their names."

the thought of Reid sleeping with that many women is a little bit funny, but it also makes my stomach twist with jealousy.

"did he apologize?"

"yeah, he did. and he was drunk, I know." he rolls his eyes. "I'm overreacting."

"no, really, you're not." without thinking, I scoot closer to him and place my hand over his, which is sitting on his knee. I remember that Spencer is usually pretty averse to touch, but when I move it back to my lap, he seems a little disappointed. I wonder if he gets lonely.

"is it weird?" the question sounds raw, like he's mustering a lot to hear my response. I shake my head immediately.

"well, for one, Spence, I would never judge anyone based on their sex life, period." I chuckle. "and two, no way! if you aren't into having sex at this point in your life-- or ever-- that's totally your choice and you're entitled to it."

his eyes meet mine, pools of honeyed hazel that swim with a slightly amber shade. his face is so pretty, it's sometimes unbelievable to me that he doesn't get more action. bone structure that would make a sculpture envious.

"that's the thing," he licks his lips nervously before averting his gaze again. "I am interested-- I just don't-- well, I don't--"

"don't have someone to do it with?" I suggest with a slight smile. he nods, then clarifies.

"girls don't really seem to be interested in me."

I let out a laugh, unable to contain myself. his head jerks up to frown in confusion. I’m quick to amend myself.

"Spence, that's not true at all. you're such a catch! you're sweet and funny and way smarter than anyone I know. not to mention that you're adorable." I compliment, letting some of the thoughts I've been keeping to myself bubble to the surface. "any girl would be beyond lucky to be with you, sexually or not." Spencer blushes at my words, but the squirming in his spot tells me that it makes him feel warm inside. he smiles a little.

"you think?" it's genuine. he appreciates being praised, and it makes my heart flutter when he gives me that expression like I've made his night.

"I know." more of what I want to say rolls around my mind, unsure of whether or not I should admit it. but I think that right now, it'll only serve to make him feel better. "actually, I should tell you something."

"what?" he's curious now.

"when we were at the bar and Penelope asked who I'd be with... on the team... I lied."

"okay." he nods, somehow not connecting the dots. I guess it doesn't matter if they've got enormous IQs; boys are still clueless.

"I was gonna say you." the truth presses from the inside out, lifting a weight off my chest now that it's out there. even if he doesn't return that feeling, I'm suddenly glad that I told him.

"me?" he gestures to his narrow chest. I nod.

"yeah. I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable or embarrass you in front of our friends." I explain. he breaks into a grin.

"thanks." like I've given him something. I feel myself smiling as well, and then we're just looking at each other. tension that neither of us is willing to break. as much as I'd like to take him right here right now, he hasn't said anything about actually having sex or even about being attracted to me. for all I know, he could be completely indifferent.

"listen, Spence--"

"would you be willing to--" we speak at the same time, both of us stopping and laughing awkwardly.

"sorry, you go first." I offer, and he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.

"would you want to... um..." he scratches the back of his neck before his eyes meet mine. "try it?"

"sex?" I raise my eyebrows. he nods. I try to find the right response. that’s more assertive than I expected. my pulse is fast, daring me to tell the truth. "I mean-- yes, I would love to-- but are you sure you want it to be with me, Spence? what about a girl that you like?"

"you are a girl that I like." he says this like it's matter-of-fact, like it's obvious. my heart stops in my chest before it starts to hammer.

"really?" a smile makes its way onto my face.

"I thought you knew."

"no." I laugh. my chest is full of sunlight.

"well, you are."

there's a brief silence where I try to get myself back on track. he likes me, too.

"are you sure you want to do this?" I glance at the space between our bodies, which has grown steadily smaller over the course of our conversation. Spencer is watching my every move with an intensity that tells me he's nervous.

"yes." he's unwavering.

"okay, well, you've kissed girls, right?" I inch closer. he nods.

"one."

"oh, Spencer," I sigh contentedly. "I have so much to teach you."

right after I say this, Spencer shifts uncomfortably in his seat. it's only then that I notice his hand covering his lap, the erection that's forming beneath his pants. my eyes flick up to his hungrily.

"sorry." he apologizes.

"don't be." our faces are inches apart and he's practically holding his breath. "I'm gonna kiss you. is that okay?"

"yes." he replies immediately. I place my hands gently on the side of his face, admiring the softness and sharpness of his jaw when I pull him to me, kissing him with a suppressed desire. his mouth is soft against mine, a little anxious to move. after a moment, he starts to relax.

his lips part and I deepen our contact, tilting my head and keeping it mostly mild at first. I don't want to shove my tongue down his throat. our knees are touching and his hand hesitantly finds my waist, the other going to run through my hair. I sigh into him, his fingertips a new sensation that I adore.

Spencer begins to give in a bit more to himself, asserting himself in the kiss and slipping his tongue over my bottom lip. I almost laugh at how quickly he gets the hang of it. he reads my body language effortlessly, not even skipping a beat when I climb into his lap and lace my arms around his neck.

"is this okay?" I pull away momentarily. he nods.

"you're so pretty." an unrelated response, but appreciated nonetheless. I laugh and peck his nose.

"thanks." and then we're back to making out, his hands resting on the small of my back. it's nice. I could stay like this forever, just pressed against Spencer while my fingers thread through his soft hair. he's cautious with me, and it's innocent.

I can feel his boner, can feel from the eagerness of his kisses that he's trying not to bring up the fact that he's literally just throbbing in his pants right now. in order to give him a little of what he wants, I start to rock my hips against his.

Spencer whimpers into my mouth. I stop and look down at him.

"do you want me to stop?"

"no, god, no— never stop." he's mindless in his reply, already grabbing my hips greedily and trying to regain that friction. I shake my head with a chuckle, then resume my actions. he starts to rut up against me, groaning into our embrace while his hands get more adventurous.

I withdraw, breaking the kiss to straighten up. he doesn't stop the microscopic pushes of his hips. I bite back a smile, enjoying the friction, too.

"do you wanna take my clothes off, Spence?" I ask softly.

"y-yes." he replies, gingerly taking the hem of my top and beginning to lift it over my head. when he places it on the couch beside me, his eyes immediately fall to my bra. slender fingers run up my bare waist, his watch glinting in the candlelight. when he doesn't immediately reach to unclasp my bra, I grab his wrist and guide it to the clasps myself. he moves with a surprising ease, unsnapping the thing and grazing over my skin as he slides the straps down my shoulders. I can tell that he’s shaking a tad, but it doesn’t hinder him.

the second that he's discarded the lingerie, he looks up at me with moony eyes.

"can I... kiss you?" he looks at my bare chest. "here?"

"of course, Spence." I nod. he presses his lips to the space between my ribs, drags them up to the valley between my breasts. lingers, then attaches himself to one of my nipples. I sigh, throwing my head back at the way he moves intuitively, sucking and running his tongue over the peak. he squeezes the other breast, plays with the nipple and starts to acquaint himself with the curves of my body.

the whole time, he's straining against my core, rutting helplessly in pleasure. it feels heavenly, with that sweet face of his so devoted to making me feel good, that I nearly stray from the purpose of the experience.

"Spencer..." I breathe. he moans at the sound of his name, then looks up at me from his place sucking on my tits. his teeth graze of my skin and I buck into his lap, causing him to groan appreciatively. my fingers tangle in his soft hair.

"Y/N," he pulls away from my chest, his lips making a soft popping sound. I gaze down at him, a bit lost in the fantasies running through my head. he's a natural. "can we, um-- like, expedite this process a little?"

"expedite the process?” I repeat back to him, giggling at his formality.

"what?" his voice goes up an octave, but he's smiling. "you know what I mean."

"I really do." I lean down, pressing my thumb into his jaw and angling his face up to mine to kiss. while his hands curiously move over my body, I start to push down the waistband of my sweatpants. I break contact just for a moment to peel them off, and he releases a quiet whine. it's cute.

"come back." he says softly, watching as I slide the bottoms down my legs, leaving me in my panties.

"I'm back." I peck his cheek, climb into his lap again. "can we take off your clothes, too?"

"mhmm." he nods. his lips part when my fingers work at the buttons of his shirt, undoing them with a torturous slowness. I can feel his eyes on my face the whole time.

"what?" I chuckle, peeking up at him for a moment before I pull his shirt open and run my palms up his chest, over his shoulders. he nearly shudders at the sheer touch.

"I just can't believe this is actually happening." he smiles in that way of his, like he's suppressing the depth of his emotions, with his brows slightly raised. I take the opportunity to enjoy the sight of him before me, his rapidly rising and falling chest, the smoothness of his skin.

"honestly?" I start to unbutton his pants, and he jerks up into my hand, blushing once he realizes the earnestness of his actions. I smirk encouragingly. "me, neither."

before I pull down his boxers, my eyes flick to his. "is this still okay?"

"Y/N," he groans. "if you don't do something, I'm gonna cum too early." he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment when my hand moves over his clothed erection, like he's holding on. "please."

"sorry." I release him from the confines. it hits his stomach and he waits for my reaction, as if he's afraid that I'll change my mind right now. but I'm definitely not going to. "holy fuck, Spencer."

"what?" he panics slightly, sitting up more. "is it not enough?"

"not enou--" I stutter, almost laugh. "no, it's plenty. I had no idea..."

"oh." he hides the pleased smile on his face, blush spreading over his pretty throat. in the interest of "expediting the process," I wrap my hand around the base of his cock and gently pump him.

Spencer's stomach tenses and he grabs onto the cushion of the couch with a tight fist, sighing.

"mmm..." he doesn't try to word his emotions, but I know. and I like that I'm making him feel this way, sharing this experience. Spencer and I are such close friends, I never thought we'd actually have sex. my assumption was that I'd watch him grow into himself, find a nice girl and treat her like a queen.

but here I am, spitting into my hand before jerking him off to prepare for what’s next. he’s throbbing, sounds coming from his throat.

"I'm gonna sit on it, okay?" I lean down to whisper in his ear. he touches my waist, my neck, kisses a random spot on my chest in the waves of pleasure that I'm giving him.

"o-okay." he mumbles, waiting for me to actually do it. and there's a moment of tense anticipation between both of us, when I sit up and pull my panties to the side. Spencer watches like I'm the only thing in the world, saving the memory of my body on top of his for later.

I run the head of his cock along my entrance, soaking him in the wetness between my thighs. I didn't realize how turned on I'd already gotten, and he lets out a quiet whine when he feels the evidence of how much I want him.

our eyes lock when I sink down. it's a new feeling for him, and the shape of his member as it stretches my walls causes me to bite my lip to withhold moaning too loudly. he whimpers, neck tensing and fingertips digging into my hips.

"o-oh." he sucks in a breath as I reach the halfway point. he's so big, I have to go slow in order not to overwhelm myself. but it feels good, too. like... unbelievably good. I grip onto his shoulders and my head falls forward into his shoulder.

"Spencer, holy shit." I moan.

"does it feel nice?" he asks, concerned for my own pleasure. I feel my chest flutter at the thoughtfulness of the boy wonder even when he's in the midst of losing his virginity, and I lower myself onto the rest of him.

"mhmm," I rest for a moment. "how do you feel?"

"like--" his breath hitches when I begin to rock back and forth on him. "like I've been missing out."

I can't help the giggle that slips past my lips, but then it quickly turns into a longing moan when he starts to thrust up into me like a helpless thing. Spencer is brilliant, but his brain cells go out the window when he throws his head back and begs me to move more.

I nod, raising and lowering myself until we reach a special pace. it's not fast or slow, just the two of us trying to stay in the moment while we hold on tightly to each other. I can feel the cool metal of his watch when he splays his hand out over my spine, the warmth of his breath while he pants against my shoulder.

he hits my g-spot over and over. my moans are torn from my throat by the burning of my lungs. it's like I can't breathe because I'm so focused on chasing the orgasm building in my stomach. and Spencer... I can tell he's almost finished.

the erratic nature of his jerking body tells me.

"I'm gonna cum..." he moans into my neck. "do- do you want me to pull out?"

"no." I arch my back and throw myself into the friction of our bodies. he stares up at me while I ride him, the merciless grinding of my hips because I just can't help myself. "oh my god, Spencer."

he notices how close I am and, in a surprisingly deft move, slides two fingers over my pussy to find my clit. the ensuing noise from me tells him that he's found it, and he begins to rub in quick circles. it's rough and hard, but that's exactly what I need right now.

"cum for me, Spence." I breathe. his free hand grips onto my thigh and pulls me over him, his own words unintelligible within the sounds of absolute pleasure.

"please." he begs for something I don't know, spills his seed inside of my pussy and holds onto me like I'm an anchor to this world while he peers into the next. the feeling of him spreading through my stomach, along with the reckless movements of his limbs and the way he looks at me while he rides out his orgasm, sends me over the edge.

"oh my fuck!" I collapse, grabbing his shoulders tightly and rolling myself down while he removes his fingers from my body. it's jarring, the intensity, like my normal functions can't respond correctly. all I can process is the tightening of my stomach, the pleasure between my legs, vision going slightly fuzzy at the edges. he moans when my cunt flutters around him, the muscles trying desperately to hold him here with me forever. I take deep breaths and slow down, my forehead dropping again while I start to remember my own name.

neither of us speaks. I think I'm still too in shock about what just happened, but in the best way. he keeps running his hands over my skin, then wraps his arms around my torso so that I'm pulled against his chest. I smile, kissing his ear before I finally break the silence.

"hi."

"hi." he's got a satisfied tone.

"do you need anything? water?" I ask, exhausted but realizing that this is still new for Spencer and it's my job to make sure he's as comfortable as possible. he nuzzles his nose into my clavicle and squeezes me tighter.

"stay here with me." there's a slight edge to his words. he's afraid of me leaving. I snuggle down, perfectly happy to remain. heat radiates from his skin, and I like the way it feels.

"of course."

we linger in each other’s arms, both of us coming back into the real world and holding on in an attempt to soften the blow. I just had sex with Spencer.

"thank you." he whispers into my hair.

"for what?" the smile on my face is lazy.

"for doing this."

"well, I really wanted to." I laugh. "so, I guess, thank you, too."

"you're quite welcome." his response is cheerful and then we're both laughing, the sound rumbling from his chest. "can we do it again at some point?"

"I would be happy to." I beam. the contented sigh that leaves his lips, followed by a slight sinking of our bodies down the couch in collective exhaustion, fills me with a joy that's quiet but obvious.

“I’ll last longer next time, I promise.” he says. I can practically hear the blush in his cheeks.

“you did amazing, Spence. don’t worry about it.” I press a few stray kisses to him.

I'll need to go clean up, soon, but it can wait a few more minutes. this is my favorite place on earth.

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #virgin spencer #reader x spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid one shot #baby spencer reid

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