#I hope you feel better today miss.
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GUYS BEFORE I GO TO BED I GOTTA SAY TO Y’ALL-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING 🦃🦃🫶🫶💥💥💖💖
(I’m so sorry I didn’t post art for today!!! I mostly spent the day at my grandparents house (they make BOMB ass turkey sandwiches btw love ya’ Grandma 😎🤟) but I just wanted to make a post to show some appreciation!!! I hope you guys like it 🫶🫶)
*EHEM*
First I wanna list some things I’m grateful for *pulls out list comically*:
My parents who gave birth to me
My brother/sibling who can be an asshole but I love him
D O G
Irl friends who appreciate and love me and I love em 10 times more back I could hug every single one of them
OF COURSE Tumblr Mutuals/friends :D (You guys are the best I’m gonna mention you last)
Food I’m provided
School that I can attend too
ME BEING ABLE TO DRAW‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY��.being able to B R E A T H E (existing- I love being able to exist as I do-)
That was my little list for what I’m Thankful for…AND NOW TO LIST MY FRIENDS/MUTUALS CUZ I LIVE WHO YOU ARE AND I’M THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU 💖💥💖💥💖💥💖💥💖💥
Gather everyone:
@linhfoxmoive @moon9931 @noodletime @ijusthavefun @boogiestronic80s @zedortoo @cherryxsapphic @lucia-the-mii @alaskacoolkid1 @marclef @fluffygiraffe @nomlioart @kate-bot @lord-yiikes @remaking-machine @lovestryke @dingle-dee AND @w00den-h3ad
OKAY I THINK I GOT EVERYONE-
Anyways, to ALL….Have a Happy Thanksgiving 💗🫶💗🫶💗🫶
Have a good night/day ❤️❤️
#Happy Thanksgiving!!#(So sorry for earlier I was gonna edit it but posted it by accident-)#Anyways to anyone I might’ve missed I’m so sorry!!! I hope I got everyone!!#Everyone is special and I hope everyone is grateful for today 💗💗#(If you had I rough day I hope a virtual hug will make you feel better ❤️🩹 *Hugs you with consent*#For the rambling I’m sorry but I wanted to express my feelings-#I hope (again) everyone had a good day or has a good day#Thank you Lin for tagging me as well I’m gonna reblog the post in a second#To everyone I tagged I hug you 💖💖
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Imma be honest with you chief this week has not been fun. At all
#oh boy i had a terrible three days time to go tell my tumblr followers about it!#ah no but jokes aside y'all.#i started my job on monday and i actually like it so far!#i haven't done any actual work or anything quite yet cause its all onboarding at the moment#but so far so good! all my colleges are lovely#so you might ask why is this one of the worst weeks of my life? two words#FOOD. POISONING.#this shit is straight up EVIL#im doing better today thank god but yesterday??? omfg#“look im being uber dramatic here but when am i not to be fair”#But seriously#ill try not to go into too much detail but. 10 hrs. yeah.#my throat feels like someone has shoved a metal ball down it#i havent eaten anything today#and I'm missing two days of training over this 😭#this is so embarrassing first week on the job and boom food poisoning knocks me out for two of them#im gonna be the food poisoning guy 😭#i hope y'all are having a better time than i am
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Mmmmeowwwww
#Queued september 30th#I FORGOT TO DO THIS SINCE JULY IM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY#today is my first day of classes. have have they been for you !!!#I feel like I just ask questions in these. and domt rlly talk abt myself as I am now.#ive been doing alright. my roommate is .. something#ive been on and off feeling dejected. idk.#its annoying#but I think im doibg alright now#im excited for kendo and wushu!! im gonna go two days for wushu and fridays for kendo#since thats when the beginner sessiond are#so how is it!! have you chosen one?#and what else have you baked? Im determined to get a 10/10 from my neighbors#my pie sucked but I just suck at pie I CAN DO BETTER#I like being ob my own. but I miss teeko ajd osi :(((((((((#oh!! im working on the ratio drawing rn. I really like it!! ive never shaded like this b4#ughh idk what else to write. hope halloween is fun!!#weather report
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try not to do any activity on discord other than staying invisible and focus on your own mental health in 3, 2, 1, go! (has started since morning)
seriously though.
i miss those two, i wish i was able to say hi in the server but mentally and emotionally i'm not doing well. sorry guys :(
#guys pls remember i love you all. i love these THREE (other one isn't on discord sad)#i'm not used to being unavailable to literally anyone i know so like. hi i hope you understand why i'm more active on tumblr/fb than dc rn#especially with the stuff i said yesterday???? i'm really SORRY YOU HAD TO CARRY MY EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AND SHIT#i know i said we have to separate personal stuff from work because it makes me uncomfortable myself but here we are oh shit oh fuck#i guess i am baby 😓😓😓#i don't wanna be babied anymore 😓 i dont feel like im even growing#please help#tldr something happened at school today. that's why i'm here venting#fr something made me so uncomfortable it dropped my mood. i'm so sorry. i hope i get better tomorrow :((((#missing entry#the institute
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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bribery may or may not have been involved in the pursuit of said discovery
#in other news…. guess who managed to bribe their younger brother into a lunchtime conversation earlier~~~~? yup!!!! this idiot!!!!!!!!!#he’s. actually grown up into a rather decent guy. hm. it’s a strange feeling ngl#where did my crybaby bro go to m a n s… when did he grow up and h o w t h e h e c k did i miss it :( we live under the same roof smh#huuauauauauauauaaaaaaa look. before you ask. i’m not a brocon. i swear#i felt like we caught up on p much six years’ worth of talks over that hour or so though… seriously it’s a strange feeling…#it’s too bad i had to leave for work… i think. idk if he felt the same way about it…#though i offered to trade the remainder of our bag of fries with an invitation for him to attend work in my stead#…but bro went ‘i’d rather finish the fries instead’ and i had to go to work as per my schedule (sad)#i told him to watch o s h i n o k o before i left though lololol i hope he’ll watch it and cry too~~~~~~~#and we l p that was the only highlight of my day (ʘ‿ʘ) it was all downhill from there ಥ‿ಥ#i can still hear the hum of the lab equipment moving in my head……….#…though the hum of the equipment didn’t drown out the freakin’ taiga caucasian song in my head s o b s the phone ad edit ruined my life ಥ‿ಥ#i hope today will be a better day……. [keels over to the soothing tune of ‘hEEEEEYEAAHHH THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE CAUCASIAN DESTINATION P O INT��#inedible blubbering
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hheeeuuurrgghppbbtttt
#my dad messaged me today sayin’ he hopes to see me soon and it honestly ruined my day luke#like please leave me alone ://////#then some general normal Every Day BS happened at work and I just had to dip I almost walked off the job no word to my sups#Just makes me think of my mom which#i feel more justified after it I guess ‘cause she’s the one who allegedly approves the messages her husband sent me when we had our fight#tbh life is better w/o her messaging me daily like I spent basically all of 2023#wanting to cut her off and she gave me even the lightest reason to do it so i did and it’s been nice#the pointless guilt I felt for not wanting to see my family has turned into general resentment and annoyance#i don’t even miss her or him like I straight up just don’t want to see my blood relatives they’re not family to me they’re just people#i happen to share genes with like if you really wanted to build a relationship with the person#you forced into this stupid world then maybe you shouldn’t have been such insufferable assholes for the first 18 years#i spent most of my conversations with them over the phone last year basically just saying life sucks and that i want to kill myself#I need them to feel bad for conceiving me i need them to regret it#my cousin Aaron has the right idea tbh like last I heard he wasn’t talking to my uncle or anyone w/ blood relations really#following in his footsteps. I legit just got so full of rage and frustration when my dad messaged me it’s been like 3 weeks since we spoke#it was so obvious that I didn’t like my mom growing up everyone knew it and berated me for it like how am i supposed to accept that?#How am I supposed to take the hate and anger she exhibit and put out there in that unhappy home#and turn the hate and anger her and her family felt towards me for not loving her#and turn that into love? How am I supposed to turn unending anger and hatred and bitterness and just be like ‘yeah i love you’#I love my parents in the sense that I am familiar w/ them and they have had a constant presence in my life up this point and when I was like#8y/o I had some pretty good times w/ my dad that were DIRECTLY related to my mom being out of the house#my mom was just so abusive to that man for 20+ years#and he took the love I had for him and made me hate him by just shoving jesus down my throat#We used to have CONVERSATIONS he & I but then he got his head stuck so far up his ass that he couldn’t see#how he was just ruining everything. Me: Hey so this thing thats goin on?#him: haha yeah that thing thats been goin on!! You know what tho#[starts pitching JC to me again]#that was all I could get from him from 12-18/19#he killed whatever relationship we had together and now it’s a decade later and I have no interest in talking to him#I don’t care to try and rebuild. I don’t want to rebuild anything with him I don’t want him to want that either
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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i miss moonbin so much :(
astro have always been a comfort space for me, I've loved them as long as I've been around here. bubblegum boy groups are another level of comforting to me and astro have always and will always be the staple. moonbin has been my fav from day 1 hehe with his cute eye smile and his glasses<3 and when he wears a cap And puts his hood up and his face is a lil circle fjfj i'll always be so proud of him as a performer, he is So talented at being an idol and it's come from a long long time of hardwork :( and from that long long time, he's formed so many friendships that are just so nice to watch. he's been a figurehead of making that industry a place full of compassion and friendship, from his friends in the same boat as him being a kid training and working, to sunbaes and hoobaes around him. he's looked after sua so well, given her help and advice about idol world, and giving her people to support her in his stead. his humour is so wonderful to me, the deadpan jokes fjnd and the willingness to be silly with the members fjdj astro are So silly :((( when I'm feeling up to it I'll watch that pool video again jnfjd the most serotonin boosting vid in the world hehe his acting too is incredible he is so talented ... I still remember when I found out he was playing a gay character in moments of eighteen and the relief and comfort I felt from that? he smiled and played his part and it rly felt so so warm :(( and him being so proud and excited for mj playing jamie and going to see him!! he makes me so happy :( and I'll be sad for a long time but I think from now it'll be mixed with a whole load of happy again<3 he is sosososososo loved, I rly rly hope he can feel that. he will be missed forever and ever
#I hadn't been able to engage in anything until today I did and cried and laughed and I think it's a little better now#I'm not rly used to grief I've never rly felt this so it's weird#but I read the letters to him today and cried hard and now this is my own letter to him<3 and I feel better for it#there's so much more I could say ofc but yeah :(#he makes me rly rly happy so I am rly rly sad atm#but i love him<3 and it's getting better#as sua said :( you're pretty when you smile so I hope you are smiling a lot :(((((((#I miss u bin<3#we'll see if I can listen to billlie and astro again soon❤️ I have a paper due so maybe not today fjdjd but yeah#terrified of listening to dear my universe and crying so hard I just evaporate#which honestly isn't a crazy worry#I can do it tho<3 it'll be okay#moonbin#astro
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( jason & jonathan = rarepair i'm so down to fuck with 👀👀👀 )
#( i'm sORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE LATELY I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH AAAAA 😭😭😭 )#( I JUST REALLY HATE ANXIETY )#( istg it has EVERYTHING to do with grad school n not tumblr or any of y'all !!!!! )#( but good news i found a place to live today and am planning on putting in my deposit as soon as the landlord sends me the app !!!!!! )#( hopefully once i get through this final wave of classes n brief assignments i'll feel better )#( & ngl just sitting here on the computer getting to type a bit on here makes me feel SO much better )#( so maybe i should stop avoiding it AKJDSFHSKDJFH )#( but yeah anyways. a lot of tough shit happening in my life atm but i hope to pull myself together soon-- )#⠀ ⠀ ☪︎ ⠀ ⠀ 𝒏𝒐𝒂𝒉 𝒓𝒂𝒎𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒔 ⠀ ⠀ ╱ ⠀ ⠀ out of character.
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rant
#being sick sucks#just like why?? did this need to happen??#😑#it's not even so much being sick itself which sucks but all the things it ruins for you 😭😭#altough yesterday i felt quite rough really bad headache which makes you feel like run over and bad sore throat#but i can ignore these things quite well if i distract myself yeah so it's alright#i do feel a lot better today after i ate a whole lot because yesterday i didn't eat anything besides lunch bc my sore throat hurt sm#it still hurts but the headache is gone and the groggy feeling mostly#but i had a date today with this guy from uni or i'm fairly sure it would have been one bc i do think he likes me like he texts me everyday#well i couldn't go 😭😭 i had to reject him we would have gone to the gym and then to watch a tv series he would have cooked for me...#gym even if i'm better now is not a good idea with a bad cold and i wouldn't like to pass it on to him whatever i have#but i feel so bad now 😭🥺 and he saw my message but hasn't responded yet :( i'm so afraid he now thinks i'm not interested 😓#because we tried so long to meet again by now but i had exams and had to study#i told him in two weeks if we can reaarrange but maybe that was not well worded because it's so long but my uni scedule 🥲#and i was really looking forward to it#anyways i also had to skip a class yesterday with attendance and now i can only miss it one more time 🥲#what if i get covid again and would be positive so long that i miss two classes should i just go to class with covid wtf#otherwise failing this class#i so hope nothing will happen again and i just went to class today and tomorrow i will too because i can't risk missing more classes#and i do feel better so it's alright i think it's hardly covid more like a bad cold#and everyone in my classes was sick my friend who sits next to me maybe i got it from her 😅#also i was so motivated for studying this week now all my plans fell apart 😪#and i still can't do sports hopefully tomorrow or friday at the very least hopefully on the weekend because i have tennis practice then#i wanted to play tennis with a guy this week even twice but no#today would have been my workout day but ig if i do it by friday i can still finish the schedule until sunday#basically all my plans for this week were useless i feel so behind on so many things how am i ever gonna catch up again#i wanted to do 3-4.5 hours of studying every day but all i did is my homework :((#i might study a bit for the medicine entrance exam now i guess it's better than nothing#how being sick can mess up your whole schedule and progress it sucks sm :((#you see i'm feeling very sorry for myself 😅 ignore
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i believe in soulmates too
It's a silly hope I hold on to, you know? I want so badly to just find the one. To know that my soul is forever entwined with someone..
#✿ flower bed#i had a feeling you would believe in that too#ive missed you today#have you been alright?#i hope you feel better. i see you're not feeling well :(#and this will be so embarrassing if you're not who i think you are
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#tag talk#fetlife feels like sex facebook and I kinda hate it#it also feels overwhelmingly heterosexual but maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places#idk. I haven't felt like actually having sex anyway so I guess it doesn't matter now does it?#it all feels just kinda pointless right now#whoops that's the depression talking. cause right now everything feels pointless and sad#anyway waugh everything is bad and we're all going to die#I just have to remember this is a cycle and I'll get through it#some day I'll be manic and happy and excited and crazy again and it'll be beautiful and I'll be happy#but I have to make it through this hard part first#it'll all get better again. it has before and it will again#I've been hella productive even though I've been depressed though.#got halfway through a good scifi book. folded laundry. watched a fun movie with a friend. changed my bedsheets. I'm showered.#I kinda wanna cut my hair short#I miss being a cute boy.#it's wild that it feels my gender has shifted like a grinding stone monolith turns mechanically#I feel gears grinding inside and I have no idea what is happening#I don't control it I don't understand it I just feel the effects as buttons push themselves inside my ribcage#do you feel like you know who you are? can you predict what you will be like tomorrow? Who you will be?#I can't. I never could. all I know is that I will be a different person tomorrow than I am today. I will lose the ability to predict.#I have learned to roll with the punches but I shouldn't have to dodge punches at all#I shouldn't be beaten up at all#idk. whatever. fuck you I guess. whoever you are. I hope you're happier in life than I am right now
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#4 years today since you blocked me everywhere and completely ghosted me for no reason i can discern other than you were tired of me#it was fucked up of you to do that to me. i can admit that now.#but i still feel guilty. if i wasn't such a mess maybe you would have stuck by me. if i hadn't let my depression make me a bad friend.#but you knew i was sick and you still threw me away. i think you also were a bad friend.#i wish i didn't still care about you. i wish i didn't think about you and what you're doing now.#i wish i didn't still worry about you and wonder if you're okay. if you ever got that surgery you needed. if your health is better now#mine isn't. not that you would ask. but i'm still struggling all the time#you probably don't ever think about me anymore; i stopped being useful to you so i probably stopped existing to you#but i guess i'll never get to let go of you and i'll just have to let it weigh me down forever#until it's finally all over.#i'm angry at you and i'll always be angry at you. i wouldn't forgive you even if you wanted me to#but i still hope you're okay#and i still miss you
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if u notice that i've been online here all the time lately ur right 🫡
#tw animal death#i had to put my 12 year old dog down today unexpectedly#she was really sick but we thought she was getting better#it's good that she's not in pain anymore but i really miss her already#i hope she felt loved when she went#im already sick enough that i can't get out of bed some days and rarely can leave the house#it's been really rough i just needed to vent real quick#i've been on here a lot to distract myself and i think it helps?#i still have until the 25th for finals too and i've been so stressed#that it's giving me physical symptoms#haven't had that in a while#anyways. sorry if you read this i hate to vent but it's just been really hard lately#tw vent#vent post#i don't expect anyone to ever read this it just feels nice to shout in the void sometimes
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i had a psychiatrist appt today and holy fuckingnhell never again im not doing this shit ever again
#i got a lexapro rx like okay fine i'll try.#got a GAD and PDD dx i dont agree with the GAD dx#i have social anxiety for sure and i have driving anxiety because im 19 and only been driving since i was 17#i dont have GAD like tf#no way#PDD yeah that fits so im gonna cope and take the lexapro and cancell and say i got reccomended to switch providers so i did#also forgot abt the mysta icon LMAOOO i only like him as mysta im a big fan of shu tho#i <333 shu yamino#literally makes me feel better than whatever the fuck happened today#probs doesnt help i've been awake for like 27 hrs and havent eaten in uh 20 !#tbh i feel better destroying my life being completely alone and allathat shit#msged someone in hopes i can rant to them but i said no worries if not amd i will probs say nvm#literally so fucking annoying im finally going to an actual dr#my mom was like 'i told you you should go' like okay i havent gone to a dr in like 10 years and that is your fault#i feel like drs wont take me seriously or my mom'll press and say 'i think he has this or this or this' mf i have depression and thats it#gen hoping the lexapro will cure me#so fucking stressed out and this dr didnt take me seriously like yeah i was abused IDGAF#miss me w that inner child bs#im not gonna fucking meditate just let me watch a shu yamino vod or something#OH she also said i have a 'little bit of cptsd' FYM A LITTLE BIT?? FYM CPTSD?? BESIDES THE BPD AND DEPRESSION AND SOCIAL ANXIETY IM FINE MAN#dissociation got me idc abt the abuse or SA or SHarassment trauma idgaf !!
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