#I honestly genuinely can only see this as a friend.

[kangshxrtie]

57 . the big reveal

prev . main

​you were sitting at dinner with chaeyeon, yubin, kaede, kotone, yeonji, nien, and xinyu. the conversation had already turned to the whole situation with nakyoung, and how you and she were finally going your separate ways.

"at least you and xinyu are good now," yeonji said.

kotone looked confused. "wait, what even happened between you two? i wasn't really in on anything. i just know you guys fought, split, and then everyone started picking sides."

you squeezed xinyu's hand, giving a bittersweet laugh. "xinyu kissed me and then broke my heart," you said. even though it still hurt a bit, you could at least joke about it now.

"don't say it like that," xinyu pouted, shooting you a playful glare.

"that's literally what happened, though," you shot back, raising an eyebrow.

"well, there's more to it," xinyu said, clearly eager to explain her side.

"okay, i'm listening," you said.

"so, we were all playing truth or dare, and me and y/n got dared to go into a closet," xinyu started, her voice turning a little more serious. "what i didn't know was that y/n had had a little too much to drink and, well, she confessed her feelings to me. and, like, i kissed her."

"still messed up, though, getting my hopes up like that," you said, shooting her a pointed look.

"yeah, i get it. but after we kissed, i told y/n not to tell anyone, especially not sohyun, because i had a thing for her at the time," xinyu said.

you leaned back in your chair, crossing your arms. "i basically begged her to forget about sohyun and told her we were perfect for each other. then xinyu went on this whole thing about how she'd never see me that way... it was honestly pretty harsh, and i started crying. i ran out of the house, and nien and kaede followed me."

"i was mentioned!" nien chimed in.

"i told them everything, and they took my side immediately," you said with a grin.

"this is true," kaede nodded.

"so after that night, i just avoided the hell out of xinyu and sohyun and started hanging out with nakyoung," you continued. "i told her everything, and she was there for me when i needed it most. she was the only one who really listened to me at the time. she wasn't close to you or sohyun, so i felt like i could talk to her without it being biased."

"until she broke your heart," xinyu added, her voice laced with jealousy.

"and then xinyu tried to talk to me at school one day, and nakyoung literally told her off," you added, shaking your head in amusement.

"oh my god, i remember that!" chaeyeon laughed.

"how the turntables," kotone said with a grin.

"yeah, after that, nakyoung literally told me to never talk to y/n again," xinyu said.

"honestly, as she should," yubin chimed in, nodding approvingly.

"i listened, though, because i didn't want to hurt y/n more than i already had... well, until they broke up," xinyu admitted.

yeonji raised an eyebrow. "what made you want to date y/n again, though?"

you shot her a teasing look. "why'd you say it like that?"

"i'm just curious," yeonji shrugged, clearly unbothered by the question. "what changed?"

xinyu hesitated, then exhaled, her tone quieter. "well, first of all, i'm not gonna lie, it was kind of out of spite to get back at sohyun, but we both agreed on that. but then... we spent more time together and i started remembering how we were when we were best friends. back then, i thought it was just a best friend kind of love, but apparently, it was more than that. it's crazy because my family always knew, but i was so in denial because of sohyun."

you smiled softly, squeezing xinyu's hand. "i'm honestly glad we didn't get together then, though."

"why's that?" xinyu asked, genuinely curious.

"because i feel like we both needed that time apart to mature. being with other people, and experiencing things on our own.... now we're better for each other," you said, leaning in slightly.

"that's actually so true," xinyu said, squeezing your hand back with a soft smile.

"that's cute and all, but can y'all do that shit in private later?" kaede said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"mad 'cause single," you teased.

"yes, and?" kaede shot back.

“well that sucks for you, because i’m sitting here happy and not single,” you said, grinning at kaede.

kaede shot you a glare, standing up with an exaggerated groan as she grabbed her cup. “i will not take this in my own home!”

“this is the dining hall,” you pointed out, unfazed.

she gave you a deadpan look. “it’s my fifth home.”

xinyu giggled beside you, clearly enjoying the back-and-forth, while kaede shot her a playful glare as well. "don’t encourage them," kaede muttered under her breath.

"both of y'all are gonna be my fifteenth reason," kaede muttered, dramatically turning to walk away.

“i made it on the list!” you cheered.

kaede didn't even bother responding, just making her way to the food area, probably to refill her drink and come back.

“she’ll be back,” yeonji said, leaning back in her chair with a knowing smirk.

“of course she is," you said, gesturing to the table where her backpack was on the floor and her keys and phone on the table. "she left all her shit.”

eventually, kaede returned, drink in hand, sliding back into her seat just as the conversation had reached peak intensity about the immortal snail.

“fuck did i just walk into?” kaede asked, raising an eyebrow as she glanced between everybody in the group.

“okay, listen,” kotone said. “would you take $10 million if it meant an immortal snail was always chasing you, and if it touched you, you’d die instantly? like, would you risk it?”

kaede blinked, then sighed deeply. “this is what i get for coming back.”

“i’m saying you’d just trap it!” xinyu argued, ignoring kaede’s comment. “build a little box, drop it in the ocean, and boom, problem solved.”

“okay, but it’s immortal,” you shot back. “it’s eventually getting out. you can’t just ignore an undying snail with a death touch!”

kaede set her drink down and stared at you both like you’d lost your minds. “this is what we’re doing now?”

“yes,” xinyu said, dead serious.

“and you’re gonna weigh in,” nien added, pointing at her.

kaede sighed again, leaning back in her chair. “fine. ten million, right?”

“right,” you confirmed.

“then i’m taking the money. i’ll just move to, like, another continent and keep tabs on it. snails are slow—it’d take years to catch up to me,” kaede said with a shrug.

“see? that’s what i’m saying!” xinyu exclaimed, throwing her hands up.

“but what if it hitches a ride on a plane or something?” chaeyeon countered. “it’s not gonna stay slow forever. that snail has brain power!”

kaede stared at her, unimpressed. “a brain… power snail. really.”

“yes,” nien said, fully committed to the chaos now.

yeonji, who had been quietly munching on her snack, finally chimed in. “i’d just hire someone to watch it 24/7 and let me know if it gets too close. boom. rich and alive.”

everyone turned to stare at her, and kaede sighed for the third time. “i hate how that’s actually a good idea.”

“alright, next question: unlimited free flights for life, but every time you board a plane, there’s a 5% chance of it crash-landing on a deserted island. do you take the deal?” yeonji asked

“nope. not worth it,” kaede said without hesitation. "i’ll just stick to paying for my flights and staying alive, thanks.”

“pussy,” xinyu teased.

“excuse me?” kaede shot back, narrowing her eyes.

“you heard me. i’d take that deal so fast. deserted island? sounds like a vacation to me,” xinyu said, crossing her arms confidently.

yeonji chuckled, “you’re not making it.”

“i’d survive,” xinyu said with a shrug. “i watched survivor once. how hard can it be?”

“girl, you could barely even go camping,” nien reminded her. “you’re not lasting more than two days on an island.”

xinyu gasped dramatically. “i’m being attacked for my optimism!”

chaeyeon shook her head, smirking. “no, you’re being called out for your delusions. big difference.”

“i don’t appreciate y'all ganging up on me like this,” xinyu said.

“don’t worry about it, babe,” you said with a grin. “we’ll survive. i’ve got plot armor, and you’ve got main character energy.”

“main character energy my ass,” kaede muttered, taking a sip of her drink.

kotone, who had been silently watching everything unfold, finally chimed in. “can we all just agree that if this group ever ends up stranded somewhere, we’re doomed? like, not a single one of us is making it out alive.”

the table went silent for a moment before bursting into laughter.

“you’re not wrong,” nien said.

“we’d definitely go out arguing,” kaede added, shaking her head.

“oh 100%,” yeonji quipped, grinning.

you all stayed in the dining hall until nearly closing time, the conversations flowing effortlessly as the topics bounced from one hypothetical to another.

main . nxt

taglist ༒ @gtfoiydlyj @inybits @baewonlove @yeetaberry127 @sananapotter @happyjuhyun @nicstumblur @museujin @urmom2314 @yunalvrrr @jeindall777 @saysirhc @idleyuri @yerimbrit @sixflame438 @artrizzler19 @peranoo @motoprincessella

[fishysaltine]

Honestly I’ve always seen Bloodbath (or the kill Zara quest) as Illario’s final desperate attempt to be swayed form his plan. It kind of reminds me of Solas and Varric’s note of him in the beginning of the game “he just needs someone to give him a different option”

Like Illario is genuinely upset about this whole thing. He thought Lucanis was dead, and we see that he was such a chronically depressed alcoholic yapper after Lucanis’ death that even though he did give the hit, he at least regretted it or it didn’t sit well with him. (I have no doubt Zara manipulated him to some extent into it, since she has her eyes on Lucanis after the Wigmaker job anyway, but neither Zara or Illario are actually explored in game). But when Illario is taking us to the boat, he makes note of saying Catarina didn’t tell him because “I would have tried to save him.” The way he says that line is in a COMPLETELY different tone than anything else he says. It’s stern and to the point, not condescending like after Illario takes out Zara and talks down on Lucanis, telling him he’s a danger and liability.

If Illario knew Lucanis was actually alive, he probably would have killed Zara earlier. And Zara obviously KNEW THIS because she didn’t tell Illario Lucanis was ALIVE for that very reason. Illario never knew about Spite. He never planned for the Ossuary. He never meant for that to happen! Zara knew that whatever Illario and she had going on would never even be close to the bond Lucanis and Illario have, and Illario would put that over power every single time.

Almost every single time.

Because he knows what he did, and he still goes out for coffee with Lucanis and the weirdo rando that saved him. And then he tries to convince Lucanis to stay away from Zara, because he knows that Zara is capable of and how not only she can, but has hurt Lucanis. (She turned his big brother into an abomination!)

WAIT A MINUTE WHO ELSE DOES THAT? Lucanis does! Except Lucanis is more direct about it. Says that Zara might come after him. Illario tries to convince Lucanis she’s in fuckass land, get him out of the situation ENTIRELY involving Antiva, the Anntam, First Talon. Yeah, there’s probably a selfish motivation, but in Wigmaker Illario is so fucking scared Lucanis is going to essentially fling himself off a cliff, there’s a genuine “heyy can you take a holiday? Can you stop being passively suicidal for me, your little cousin? Can we stop with the ‘death is my calling’ shit?”

Of course Illario can’t just go “uhh I’ll take care of it dw bro” because to Lucanis the beef with Illario and Zara isn’t merely as personal as he (and Spites) beef with her. They really just want to protect one another and get their dues.

Illario killing Zara wasn’t so much for him. I mean she kind of played him, but whatever, it didn’t necessarily affect Illario in anyway, it was for Lucanis. A way to try and appease the guilt of something that he never intended to happen to his older brother. That’s why Illario wants to be there during Bloodbath. “It’s Crow business” aka ‘WHY ARE YOU TAKING WEIRDO RANDO 1 & 2 OVER ME? I deserve to be at your side, I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth and back, why won’t you let me anymore?’

So Illario meets Lucanis and his rando friends on the rooftop. Lucanis asks him what he’s doing there- and Illario says he wants to go. He’s so desperate to go, to prove his alliance to his big brother cousin. But that’s not all. Lucanis has been gone for a year, and then left immediately. Killing and missions, being Crow’s is one of the main ways Lucanis and Illario bond.

Illario has never felt good enough. For his grandmother, for Lucanis, for anyone. That’s why he started this mess. Zara tells him Lucanis doesn’t think he’s good enough, he never will be, until he does the most Crow thing ever and cuts him out of the family line. Then finally, maybe, when his cousin’s eyes are glassy and corpse empty, will they be filled with approval.

But Lucanis is right here (with two randos)! And Illario asks him to involve him, just looking for that smidge of approval. And Lucanis says no. Ok. Cool! Maybe he just wants you safe. Fine, whatever. But you’re capable- at least you think you are.

So you ask the damning question. “You think I’m not good enough?”

And your cousin, your big brother, simply says: “Are you?”

While surely a good natured jab from Lucanis as siblings do, had Lucanis’ answer been anything even close to praise or more concern, I think Illario would’ve been fine to step out of the way. ALL he needed was Lucanis’ mild assurance/approval. Just a ‘oh no, you’re good enough. I just don’t want you getting hurt is all’

But he doesn’t say that. He simply feeds into the very insecurity that sent Illario to selling him out, the very one that Zara told him but he never quite believed until the words came from Lucanis’ mouth. ‘You’re not good enough to stand by my side anymore.’ And potentially ‘I’ve replaced you with rando 1 & 2, I don’t need you anymore’

So then he doubles down. No more playing nice cousin or big brother little brother. If Lucanis doesn’t want Illario by his side anymore- fuck it, Illario doesn’t need him. Lucanis saying Illario isn’t good enough isn’t just a blow to his ego, or self confidence/self esteem, it’s a flat out rejection. So he takes the kill from Lucanis, and essentially tells him to get the fuck out of dodge or else, and then tries to strong arm first Talon.

Lucanis never quite gives Illario “the different option.” Illario throws their bond away not because he necessarily wants to, but because he thinks Lucanis’ threw it away first, and that he’s just folding onto a frayed rope (not even mentioning how Illario crosses out Lucanis’ name in the family line, showing how he just… almost doesn’t exist. He’s gone to Illario. Illario’s so hurt by everything he just wants Lucanis gone at this point, come hell or high water.)

Lucanis quite literally says that the only way Catarina would be proud of Illario is if he kills her, and if that extends to Lucanis, so be it.

[scatorccioswifts]

can’t believe i have to post this on tumblr because my stupid tiktok is banned but unfortunately i love hanna so she gets it anyway

Hai hanna sorry i have to post this here but i gotta give you your very big paragraph because i haven’t done one in a while and ive been a weird friend recently and i love you and you deserve everything and the world and also even more than that so😑🍰

hey i LOVE YOU so much idk how you’ve put up with my annoyingness and sexual comments for four months but i applaud you for it because u my fav online friend i ever had.. honestly idgaf if ur online ur one of my best friends in the ever because i adore you

if i don’t meet you atleast once in the ever then that’s illegal because i know we would be the most best and funniest people ever irl and then we can finally be gfs like we were destined to be.. and im not even joking i want u

like so bad

u are so kind and so talented and whenever u are sad it makes me sad because ur genuinely a wonderful person like you’ve only been good to me ever you listen to me and u actually talk to me and u make me feel LOVED 💖

like when we first became friends and you’d get excited when i messaged you and when you tell me you miss me or love me or when u post about me or when you do anything that shows you appreciate me it makes me so so happy because like. i love you and knowing that you love me also is the best in the ever

i was actually so upset when you didn’t get alessi tickets because honestly i wanted to meet you more than i wanted to go to the concert and the fact that soon we’re gonna be like not that far away from eachother and not get to see eachother makes me so SAD

if we ever met i’d give u the biggest hug ever trust

i love it when u listen to songs i like because it makes me feel locked in and i love when u message me or send me voice notes and i love when you do things that are so you and i love when you make jokes about me being a bottom because it’s lowkey true so just come over

anyway four months is insane and i love you so much forever even if we stop being friends

happy maddiehanna day baby i love u 🐈🐈‍⬛🍎🍏👩‍���️‍💋‍👩

@chappellapplee

[freewilllife]

In other words, you think Su-Won viewed marriage to Yona as a last-minute (and legitimate) alternative to murder that he half-heartedly believed in, ultimately giving up after Il rejected it?

No, I do believe that the irrational part of Soo Won that both desired to keep two of the few people that still cared for him, wanted to try this solution earnestly. Soo Won loves Hak and Yona. Or you can see it like this: Till the moment of King Il´s death...Soo Won´s box for both of these people was not closed...and he has never succeeded to close it completely till the end and not it is open again.

From the first time Hak speaks about that possibility we see that Soo Won is crying, when he thinks of Hak and Yona not being by his side. Soo Won did not even cry, when his father died...so much does he love them.

However, the likelihood of that becoming true was very small, to non-existant. And Soo Won must have been aware of it. He would not completely bet everything on it. Not if failure would mean a huge chunk of people dying.

There is also this...I do believe that Soo Won speaks the truth here...

For the first time, he might have looked at Yona as a woman...and he could imagine marrying here.

Up until now, it might be really that she was a child to him.

Who knows. Even so, he was considering murder as the other alternative. And if the chance was so slim, giving that hairpin was not a sound choice imo.

No, it surely wasn´t. But people do have desires and wishes and Soo Won wished for his two friends to stay by his side.

So it's one possibility, but here's another angle to consider: what if Su-Won genuinely believed that Hak and Yona were engaged the whole time and therefore never considered convincing Il? Because while Yona did confess her feelings to Su-Won and Hak supported the idea of their marriage, unless I am mistaken, Yona never explicitly told him that her "engagement" with Hak was off the table.

Oh, Yona did. That was directly before she confessed her feelings for Soo Won.

Yona denied the engagement here, but Soo Won didn´t buy it at first...and that was the reason, she tells him.

"The truth is, I..." and then Yona confessed her feelings.

After that Soo Won, and Yona telling him again, that she likes him, he seemed to have realized that Yona really had lied to him.

Actually, Soo Won even emphasized that he gave the hairpin to Yona pretty late in the game...So it is pretty sure, that the hairpin should signify something.

Closeness to Yona: Well, we do know now that Soo Won loving her hair, is heavily influenced by him being a descendant.

But this moment is also interesting, since Soo Won is actually trying to get close to Yona, by his own accord.

The whole chapter is funny in retrospective. Even that he gave her flowers...a flowery hairpin...as Kouka means flower...and that is the reason, he later killed her father.

I guess...this is the last time before King Il´s murder that he let´s himself be lead very strongly by his own emotions.

He is even staring at Yona and both only realize far too late that Hak is standing between them....and you could also look at it in retrospective, that the mangaka emphasized that both would never become a couple.

I interpret Soo Won denying "it" quite simple. He knew how unlikely the whole deal is...And additionally it is likely, that Soo Won had been caught by his own emotions...and he might not be very comfortable with this. that is why the sweat drop was maybe there...And Soo is surprised by his reaction ..that is why he answers in the first moment with "Huh?"

If Soo Won really tried to "act the lover"...he would have not denied it, when Hak mentioned it. And it would have been also unlikely that he had tried to get close to Yona, if he had honestly wished to kill her father...his guilt due to the murder, made him shrink back earlier...after all.

Closeness to Hak: Later we can see he is cooler, trying to persuade Hak to call him Soo Won. Also here, we can see that Soo Won wishes "closeness" to Hak...even though he considered murder? Unlikely.

Soo Won had both spent time with Hak and Yona and he considers this possibility seriously, however he still has a back up plan, if you want to think about it like this.

However, it all went absolutely wrong. The conversation between King Il and Soo Won...

Ever since Su-Won made the decision to make Yona the queen and Yona heard of it from Hak instead of him, I've been quite curious about what they'll say to one another when they finally meet face to face again. I don't know, I feel like that encounter just going to be different from all the others, intense. Because both have acknowledged her as his equal, just not directly to one another yet.

First there’s a political side. Whether Yona wants the throne, whether Su-Won really wants to pass it down. There is also the emotional side.

Yona remained calm (though disgusted) when she commented that Su-Won was selfish, but that was still from a distance. Which is why I can't shake the thought that Yona could be absolutely livid if Su-Won actually manages to enter the chalice (especially if it's with some intention to "save" Yona and "sacrifice" himself like some fear).

If it happens, can we get a scene where she slaps his face? Tells him to snap the fuck out of it? Stop making all these selfish decisions for her? To not put her on a pedestal and be so suicidal all of a sudden? That she's not a damsel in distress who needs saving, that she'll find a way to make the dragon gods to understand? Because such a scene will actually be a good subversion of expectations. Kusanagi has done it before, so this would be a great opportunity.

I mean Yona's already said it in her mind. "Don't you dare die as you please. Rely on those around you." She even said it to Hyu-ri. She just has to actually say those words to Su-Won himself.

Yona did disappoint me in the recent chapter because she became quite literally a damsel in distress (how else are we supposed to describe her in that scene), but a hypothetical scene like this would make up for it. It would return her agency. And honestly I've been dying to see a scene where Yona just lets all the resentment out instead of constantly suppressing it for the country or because she wants to be the better person. The dragon gods said she was also selfish, so let's see that side show a bit more.

[watcherintheweyr]

desperately need people to understand that alicent is a victim but she’s also an abuser and a perpetrator

that she actively makes choices to harm other women because of jealousy and envy and the greed deep in her bones because submitting to suffering didn’t get her what those women fight to grasp for themselves.

she is absolutely a victim, in show.

that doesn’t change that she abused rhaenyra and her children, her own son, most likely helaena given how she flinches every time her mother touches her, and is actively weaponizing the patriarchy of westeros against other women- rhaenyra primarily, but also mysaria and dyana.

she isn’t the moral, righteous force of good that even she thinks she is, she’s a wounded woman directing all of the rot, pain, and fury inside her at the wrong people and forces.

[hella1975]

would you like to talk about how bad the mha ending was hella

as much as i would love to give like. a comprehensive response i genuinely dont think i can get my words together just yet without it being a constant unintelligble stream of 'AND ANOTHER THING-' and bc it's become quite torn in the fandom on if the chapter was good or bad i want like. an actual coherent response here. so i will reblog this if/when i can word it but know IM NOT FUCKING HAPPY

[moeblob]

idk if it's a fun fact or not but! Right's favorite color is green. He never wears green but it's his favorite color. then I've been working on silly emotes for my OCs and they're "disappointeddad" and "tryme".

(Also there is an AU where these two are knights along with Paul and Evelyn while Brent/Caspian/Atticus are princes. Chris is basically Caspian's personal guard while Right just runs around trying to do everything to stay busy even when not on duty which stresses Chris out. But since he's kinda busy with the crown prince it defaults to Paul having to babysit Right.)

[koka-mi]

vent under the cut you don't need to read if you don't want to!!!!!!!

I honestly hateee opening up or oversharing with ppl. it's kind of like eating for me where it feels okay in the moment but then afterwards I just feel awful. it feels like I'm attention seeking or saying someone else's experience isn't valid for some reason and it sucks. I don't do it at all with ppl I just met but with friends I tend to get carried away with it sometimes,,,

It hurts even more because I've been distancing myself from ppl bcz I'm scared of this exact thing happening. People have messaged me before, saying I seem cool and they want to be friends. And I get happy in the moment, but then I get really anxious about accidentally getting too comfortable and blurting out personal things, because then their opinion of me will wane and they'll think I'm annoying or ungrateful. So I subconsciously begin to distance myself and take a while when responding to messages, because I'm scared of getting too comfortable with them. But now I'm anxious that they think I'm cold or distant and that I secretly don't like them. It's just a lose lose situation mannn </3

I have so many DMs I've put off responding to, and I've stopped talking in servers as much bcz I'm scared of getting close with ppl in them. I really feel bad for it, though. I've drifted from friends bcz of that and it sucks because I genuinely love them a lot. I love everyone I talk to a lot and they always make my day better--I just wish I could be the same for them. I feel like it's a chore to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do. It's even worse when I get close to someone bcz they like what I make/post because again, now that they've seen how I really am and I've opened up, they more than likely see me as annoying or a bad person. Like it hurts enough whenever we become friends naturally talking, but if it's with someone who's seen me at my "best" and has seen things I work on or stories I've created, they ofc associate me with those things, and their expectations of me are through the roof. So when I disappoint them it hurts a lot more. I hate getting attached to people it hurts so much

[corrodedcoughin]

Pspsps can I beg for under 10k fluff fics or art. Smut can be included that does not bother me. Self promo is actively encouraged. Just anything that makes you feel happy and good and that life is okay. Ps hope you all are having a good day

[widevibratobitch]

its 'i know it doesnt matter and im used to it at this point but im actually a little sad that im kinda ugly' hours

[musical-chick-13]

Girl help, I talked myself out of writing a fic because I was worried about being Harassed™

[lesbian-rook]

Rip my ocs, all the shit they've gone through in my head and i dont even draw them

[emawinslow]

not to be dramatic but I literally feel like I’m going insane lol

[notmoreflippingelves]

So I know, I know, we all hate it when people add comments and especially lengthy ones to posts that are no openly encouraging them. Nevertheless, I'm gonna do so in this particular case because the novel that I was writing in the tags just got too too long and I was frighteningly close to the tag limit.

The things that would fix Esteban Flores are (in roughly this order)

A found family (preferably one totally divorced from connections to his bio family) and/or a small child to take care of.

A heartfelt apology from his biological family (definitely Luisa, probably Elena, and maybe Francisco as well).

A hug x1000

Being shaken

Enough sleep

But most especially the first two.

Esteban's issues stem from being made to feel like an afterthought and/or an obligation to his family of origin. In his mind, he was not chosen or wanted. He was liked, loved even--but he was loved because he was familia--not because he was Esteban. He was not enough in and of himself, especially not when compared to Elena.

Do you know why he continued to tend the cacao trees during the Dark Times? Yes, it was out of love for his family, but I think there's a bit more to it than that. His abuela shared something private and meaningful (i.e. how to take care of the cacao trees) with him that she didn't also share with Elena. He was welcomed into Luisa's world--if only for a moment. This was his, the rare thing that he didn't have to sacrifice to or share with Elena. No one could take this away from him--the moment of feeling seen and chosen. Not even the fact that this moment was very very much an anomaly and the rest of his youth (and his adulthood) consisted of him being shoved into the corner of some family portraits and left out of others entirely---and no one noticing this for years.

In "Something I Would Never Do," Esteban outright states "Years ago/ I did not know/Just how much they cared for me." He's just now realizing after 40+ years that his family just might love him (50+ years if you go back to when Esteban moved into palace); he's genuinely surprised about it and terrified that he's going to fuck it all up. Yes, Esteban has atrocious self-esteem, but these impressions did not come from nothing. Even now, his family keeps him largely at arm's length. He doesn't appear (or isn't even mentioned) in the two family vacation episodes, suggesting he was left behind. His Navidad plans (the ones he has been dreaming of , all alone for 41 years!) are rejected outright by Luisa, and no one even bothers to ask what the Dark Times were like or how he is coping. Everything has changed and yet nothing has changed. He's there, sometimes he is shown attention and affection, but he's still made to feel that he's not really a part of the family in the same way the others were.

All this is pretty bad in and of itself, but it's made worse by the fact that he's not getting his emotional needs fulfilled from outside the family any more than he is within it. As far as we can tell, Esteban's only real friends as a child were Elena and Victor. (Maybe Felicia as well, but she was far more Elena's friend than his). And neither Victor nor Elena could give Esteban what he needed: the feeling of being liked and chosen for himself and that alone.

Elena is family--the same family has made Esteban feel like an afterthought and obligation, merely liked at best and tolerated at worst. But that's oversimplifying things. Elena is also the impossible gold standard that Esteban will always be measuring himself against. (And it's especially galling that she was 1-2 years younger than him, and he was still nowhere near her level). She's the favorite (and Luisa is not subtle about hiding that fact), the priority, the important one. She's the one who has always been and will always be secure in power and confidence and their familia's love--the exact opposite of Esteban.

Victor, meanwhile, was a horrible influence on Esteban, and not just where Shuriki was concerned. His selfishness rubbed off on his amigo, and his competitiveness and callousness brought out every one of Esteban's insecurities and worst tendencies. It's also very strongly implied that their friendship (at least on Victor's side) was rooted in how 'useful' Esteban was. Through El Segundo, Victor got closer to power/the crown and also found someone that he could feel "superior" to. Someone that Victor could consistently beat at races, so that he could feel like a winner. Someone who wouldn't tell Victor to go to hell if he subjected unflattering nicknames upon.

So yeah, Esteban's childhood primary source of affection/attention outside his family were two people who exacerbated Esteban's already huge inferiority complex. One of whom was part of said family that enabled said inferiority complex in the first place, and the other of whom is wrapped up in the event that caused Esteban to lose his family as well.

And then, Elena was trapped in the amulet and Victor was banished from Avalor, and Esteban was without anyone at all for 41 years. His primary source of attention and affection during this time was the woman who conquered his kingdom and took away his family. Someone who had preyed upon his vulnerabilities from the very start and who kept him alive only so long as he remains obedient and "useful" to her. There's nothing even remotely close to equal or mutual about this dynamic, and Shuriki did even more damage on Esteban's already battered psyche than all of the others combined and multiplied by ten.

Even after Shuriki is gone, Esteban still doesn't have anyone in his life that voluntarily chose to be in his life. His entire social circle is comprised of people that he knows through his family and/or his role as chancellor (and later his magical abilities). There's Naomi, except there isn't, because their dynamic is rooted exclusively in their shared devotion to Elena and their roles on the Grand Council (which is also directly tied to Elena).

Similarly, Doña Paloma interacts with Esteban almost exclusively in reference to his role as Chancellor. Would she give him the time of day if he had no political power or influence?. Doubtful, especially as she seems to really dislike him most of the time. There's a bit more potential for a genuine friendship to develop with Julio or Professor Mendoza, but again, these connections were formed through Esteban's job and we don't really see any interactions that aren't in service to that.

Higgins is explicitly Esteban's employee and given how insensitive he can be to Esteban, it seems unlikely that he has any real non-professional loyalty or affection to him. Same with Armando, except things do seem to a bit more cordial between them.

Esteban seems to have a good rapport with Avalor's allies, especially Toshi and Shoji, but these are unlikely to be anything more than friendly diplomatic connections and ones separated by distance.

So yeah, my boy literally does not interact with a single character on the show without at least one of them doing so out of obligation/duty/job requirement and/or ulterior motive. Fifty years later and almost nothing has changed, Esteban still has nothing and no one to call his own.

[moeblob]

Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).

I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".

[5-htagonist]

next drawing i post will expose how genuinely insanely obsessive my hyperfixation runs. and i think i may have the Autistic Rizz