#I have spent the past month of my life dedicating myself to this

[alt255]

Goro Akechi Dialogue Event Archive (Playlist)

I should share this as well, since I already shared my Justice Confidant "All Dialogue Choices" playlist.

These videos feature many of the P5R story events with Akechi's dialogue. If there's any variation in the dialogue based on your choices, I record and document those variations as well.

I hope that these can be very useful references for fanwork authors and artists, or anyone who just wants a comprehensive understanding of Goro Akechi's character

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSvaLUgBdYh_QWn75iTXjcUcVp-aOkWpL

[lightwing-s]

𝐈'𝐋𝐋 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐘𝐎𝐔

pairing: jason todd x female! reader;

summary: jason loves you, always have, but you've always loved someone else. and even when he finds you broken, even when he could just put himself first and finally try to make you his, he decides he'd rather help you be yourself again over getting you in your lowest. he'll heal you up, then make you his.

word count: 1,7k warnings: swearing, quite a lot; depressive thoughts(?)

a/n: i didn't mean to write this, and neither that i'd make it this long. this was supposed to just be be writing something while trying to make myself sleep lol hope you enjoy it while i'll do my best to have part ii of "i want to k__ you" up by sunday ♡.

masterlist requests

that was low. that was the lowest, most painful thing someone had ever done to you. yet, why were you still crying because he left?

years of you life dedicated to a relationship, to somebody you thought was your world. who held your world in his hands. you spent years showing up when he needed it, making sure to be present in all of his greatest accomplishments. you were now living on a tight budget for the past few months and still for god knows how long, because you when fuck it, fuck traditions, you were going to propose to him. only for him to show up tonight, at your favorite restaurant, on the eve of your anniversary, with another girl in his arms, telling you that whatever you two had was now done for.

and you knew you shouldn’t have done it, that you should’ve been a better person, but all logic went past by you, and you begged him, you begged him to stay. you got on your knees in front of who knows how many people, and asked him to not throw it all away. but all he did was look at you, not even in your eyes. he just looked in our direction, with the single most disgusting expression of displeasure, turned on his back and left.

left you a mess, left you broken. left you feeling like the floor you were once standing on, that gave you stability and peace, was suddenly removed from beneath you and you started to fall. fall into god knows where, but somewhere deep, somewhere dark. somewhere you couldn’t imagine ever finding your way out, or ever find happiness again. a place where everyone, every single person, looked at you as those in the restaurant looked at you now, with that look that made you sick.

they were sorry for you, they felt pity. you hated pity. it made you feel stupid.

but oh god you were stupid. you threw the most shameless public display of desperation over a guy who must have clearly never even loved you. a guy who never, for almost five years, asked you how your work had been, or if you liked that movie or that meal, if you were alright. a guy who just waisted your time. you were stupid, pitiful, dumb, an idiot. you deserved those looks and the humiliation. you didn’t deserve shit.

you should have read the signs. you should have listened to your friends. you should have listened when your best friend told you, all the damn time, he treated you like shit. who always told you he could treat you better.

if he saw you, in this state, he’d be so disappointed. he saw you as someone strong, independent, but that was all a lie. all those years you were so dependent, emotionally and physically, on a guy who traded you as quickly as one did a car. honestly? even cars received better treatment by their owners. you were so afraid that jason would find you this way, afraid of what he was going to say. and you knew, whatever it was he voiced out, would be the utmost truth.

so, when you opened the door to your apartment, after letting out what may have accounted for the entire amazon river’s water from crying, and found him there, mouth full of the food you had left in the oven. and then, you felt all the emotions you had been trying so hard to contain, make their way back into your mind.

“y/n, finally! where did you put the hot sau…” Jason started asking, but then he looked at you. “y/n… what happened at your dinner?”

his voice was so soft, so careful, as if he was dealing with a delicate object he could break at any moment. but that was exctly how you felt. and in that moment, you broke. you couldn’t hold it anymore, and dropped to the floor, him rushing after you immediately. you could never lie to jason. never. you couldn’t face him and tell him you were fine, that it was nothing, you couldn’t hold your crying in front of him. your relationship, after all those year, was always so real, so full of trust, that lying to him was a locked possibility.

face buried on your knees, arms holding yourself tight, your body shook and you let out loud sobs that left him terrified. whatever happened, wasn’t some silly thing that had bothered you at work, wasn’t some foolish fight you had with your asshole of a boyfriend. it was big. it had you crying, and you fucking never cried. brainstorming all thee possibilities he could only imagine something bad had happened to a family member, or… what day was it today?

“y/n…” he called you, once he felt you body calming down a little. “what did he do?”

you could hear the anger on the way his voice trembled while he spoke his question. you could feel it in the way his jaw clenched on top of your head, and how he held you even tighter in his arms. “h-he found someone else”

no he didn’t. that piece of shit didn’t dump you on your fucking anniversary, did he? jason’s anger was up the walls. he was off of killing people but he could make an exception. just for you. he just need one word, one nod of your head, and that idiot would be gone in less than a minute. nobody, not a single fucking soul in this world, who have the privilege of living if they ever hurt his girl. but who was he kidding, you were never his.

you followed your answer with silence, letting your own words sink in. letting the fact that you were now all alone, fill you up. it didn’t feel real. it shouldn’t be.

“he’s just out of his mind” you tell him, abruptly standing up. “he’s just… he didn’t, he wouldn’t”. you tried to think of excuses. something that would explain his actions. he was bewitched, or his parents forced him. they never seemed to like you now that you think about it.

“y/n…”

“i just need a shower. i’ll be alright” drying your tears, he watched you run to your bathroom still from the floor. he knew you were in denial, that it’d take long for you to fully understand what happened. your life had always been crafted out with perfection, dating all your life’s accomplishments on your own personal timeline, and now part of it was ruined. the part that included building a family, having kids, all ruined because of an selfish son of a motherfucking bitch that had decided he was too good for you.

nobody was too good for you. you’re the one that is too good to anybody. not even him. no, he could never deserve you. no matter how much he loved you, all those years in secret, he could never be enough for you.

jason couldn’t begin to explain how much he loved you and how much seeing you in this state brought him so much pain, so much hurt. so much anger. it was like his heart was the one breaking, his own life that had been shattered. he was sure he’d never felt this much pain in his life, and he had fucking died before.

but he couldn’t tell you he loved you right now. not when you were in this much pain, and so vulnerable. he didn't want to take advantage of your situation, nor he didn't want to confuse you even more. and yet, he felt so desperate to tell you anything, like he was going to combust if he didn't do something.

throwing his common sense away, throwing everything he thought sensible out of the window, he busted into your bathroom.

the foggy glass that lead to you shower made only your silhuete visible, yet he could see your head hanging low as you stood under the warm water. carefully, he got closer and saw your shoulders shaking, and the quiet sniffing sounds of your cries. you're clearly not going to be okay.

you didn't notice him enter your bathroom. nor did you notice it when he slid in the shower box with you. you only noticed his presence when his strong arms wrapped around you bare waist and held the nape of your neck. wrapping your arms tightly around him in return, you bury your face on his soaked t-shirt, muffling the sound of your cries, stopping them from getting any louder.

you are thankful to have him by your side. jason must’ve been the only person in this world that made you feel a hundred percent comfortable with yourself, be it wearing comfy clothes and no make up around him, be it crying over the last puss in boots movie, or being a naked mess crying into his chest. you shouldn’t have been afraid of his reaction, but you aren’t anymore. as he caressed your hair and blew small kisses behind your ear, you let him help you forget. you let him try and take the pain away. even if, deep down, you know that right now, you won’t go so far.

jason was the best friend you never would've guessed you deserved. he was always there by your side. he held you up when your couldn't keep standing anymore. and he soothed your cries and calmed your heart.

“he didn’t deserve you” jason stated, whispering in your ear. “he never deserved ever laying his eyes on you. or touching you. he never deserved”.

"i don't know" you cried out.

"you will" he said against you hair. "i'll teach you".

jason was ready. now he was ready to wait days, weeks or months. hell, he’d even wait years. he’d wait a life time for you to heal.

he'd collect all the pieces of your broken heart, and glue them all together for you. he'd teach you to love yourself again, that you don't need anybody else to be happy with if you have yourself. and him. he'd help you, teach you, to be yourself again.

and then, once you’re healed, once you’re back to being the you he always love and cared for. then, he'd try to make you his.

.

alright this was unexpected lol

[extrashotodepresso]

Fake Dating Series:

KirishimaXFem!Reader

(ft. Ex Hawks)

Warnings: SMUT AHOY! (Actual smut- like DNI if under 18) , a bit of Yandere Hawks at the end (can’t help myself), angst, pure filth, cheesy, cheating mentioned

I had an idea a while back about a little fic series around the beautiful cliche trope of fake dating. Overdone you say? YUP! But it’s so tasty I can’t help it! Needless to say, all characters in my fics are 18+. In this one, MC and Kirishima are in their mid to late twenties.

So this is the first one!!! Feel free to reblog if you want, I literally write these for myself but if you like it lemme know if there’s anything else you wanna see!

Summary:

Hawks shows up at the agency and tries to get back together with you. You try to blow him off but he’s pushy. Getting irritated you say you’re dating someone. When he asks who, Kirishima walks over and you get an idea.

“Just go with it.”

“What?”

You pull Kirishima by the harness on his chest and bring him in for a short kiss; what you weren’t expecting was for him to kiss you back.

“Um… still here, (Y/N).” Hawks clears his throat uncomfortably, while you are stuck staring up at Kirishima’s face.

“Wanna get out of here, pebble?” He asks with a sly grin.

“You have no idea.”

You had felt your phone incessantly buzzing in your back pocket all day. You prayed silently that this meeting would end soon; you could hardly pay attention to it anyway.

“Everything okay, Jumper?” You heard someone call out to you. When you looked up it was none other than Red Riot, your coworker and acquaintance. You rubbed your neck nervously.

“Yeah- just have a lot on my mind I guess.” You looked up at him with a soft smile before standing- even if you were tall for the average woman, he stood easily a foot and a half above you, though he was less intimidating than his appearance would suggest.

“Well if you need anything, let me know.” He smiled again kindly, then offered you a small stack of papers. “Notes. From the meeting.” You took them gingerly, looking up at him with a raised brow. “Seemed like you missed some of the info today, wouldn’t want you falling behind.” His face was almost bashful as he said this, his mouth opening slightly like he was preparing to speak again.

“Riot!” Dynamight called out for his friend suddenly and Red Riot gave you a small wave before walking away, leaving you a little dumbstruck. Sure, Red Riot was nice- he had even been dubbed the new gentlemanly hero- but something about the gesture gnawed at you. Unfortunately you didn’t have much time to stare after him in bewilderment as your phone began ringing. Again.

You whipped your phone out of your pocket, turning towards the elevator and making sure you were alone before you hit ‘answer’.

“What do you want?” You spat out, hand smashing the down button as you looked behind you in a paranoid fashion. You prayed as you waited for the doors to open that no one would follow you.

“Oh come on, don’t be like that little bird.” The voice that came over was saccharine and sweet, the syrupy tone making your stomach turn. You waited until you were inside the elevator with the door closed to respond.

“Don’t call me that, Hawks.” Your teeth were grinding.

“I’m downstairs.”

“What? Downstairs where?”

“At your agency. Let’s go for dinner or some coffee- you know you can’t-“

“I’m not going anywhere with you. Fuck off and go away.” You hung up the phone, practically slamming it in your frustration.

Two years. Two years of your life you had dedicated to that insufferable, egotistical, bird brained— ugh! And three months ago, you found out he had been cheating on you with some young up and coming sidekick. You closed your eyes, exhaling deeply before collapsing on the cool elevator wall. When the doors opened, you were in the hallway to the lockers.

You had been throwing yourself into your work since you had broken up with Hawks. You had spent the past few months pulling shift after shift- and now you were being forced to take the weekend off. This was especially frustrating to you at the moment; if Hawks didn’t leave like you asked, you wouldn’t have a good excuse to lose him, and the man had a way of getting what he wanted. You made it to the showers, cleaned yourself then changed into civilian clothing, praying that he had the decency to finally listen to you on your elevator ride back to the lobby. Though, if his incessant harassment the past three months had anything to say about the likelihood of that happening… the doors opened and you steeled yourself, trying to visualize an undisturbed path to the exit.

As you approached the front desk at the lobby, your heart sank. He was still there, casually leaning on the marble counter, blatantly flirting with the receptionist.

“Well I would be crazy not to want that back.” You muttered, rolling your eyes before trying to walk as quietly as possible past him.

“Baby bird!” He called out to you and you stopped, feeling your shoulders hunch over.

“I told you to fuck off.” You spoke through your teeth. He walked over to you, opening his arms as if wanting a hug, then after seeing your expression lowered them slowly.

“Look- I know that-“ he actually looked remorseful as he paused, “I messed up.”

“You messed up?” You barked out a laugh. “Did you mess up the first time when you fucked her in your office? Or the tenth time when you fucked her in our bed?” Your glare was seething now, and his face was heartbroken. As much as the part of you that had loved him wanted to reach out and make him feel better, the part of you that he broke rejoiced seeing him in pain.

“Yes, (Y/N). I fucked up. And I’ve regretted it every single day. I miss you, can’t we just talk about this?”

“No, we can’t.”

“Why not?” Just then, the pinging sound of the elevator caught your attention and you looked over your shoulder to see— the perfect distraction.

“I don’t think my new boyfriend would like it.” You lifted your chin haughtily before you heard the heavy footsteps approaching.

“Boyfriend?”

“Hey! Jumper, Hawks, how’s it goin?” Just as you expected, Red Riot approached the two of you at the desk, smiling brightly, completely unaware he was about to be the perfect decoy.

“Hey babe!” You called out enthusiastically before trotting over to him. He was still in his hero gear, no doubt going for a last patrol on his way home. He looked down at you with a slightly quizzical expression before you whispered so only he could hear, “Just go with it.”

You grabbed his shoulder harness, pulling him down to you and before he could react or protest, kissed him. It was meant to be a quick peck on the lips, nothing too showy but the second after you pulled away, you felt his hand reach behind your head, fingers threading in your hair as he brought you back for more.

His lips were softer than you expected from the hardened hero, more experienced too. His lips moved along yours with a delicate fervor, quickly you lost yourself in him. Your hand that had been wrapped around his harness tightened and you pulled him ever closer, practically whimpering into his open mouth as the kiss heated. His tongue probed your bottom lip, requesting entrance and without a second thought you allowed it.

“Um… (y/n)? I'm still right here.” You heard Hawks behind you and it brought you back to the present. Pulling away, you attempted to gather your breath as you looked up at Red Riot.

He was looking at you with a hunger that made your thighs clench together. You didn’t know what you had expected when you kissed him, probably just an awkward joke and maybe an offer to walk you home, but this was… carnal. He was smirking down at you, sharpened teeth glinting in the fluorescent light.

“Wanna get out of here, pebble?” His voice was gravelly, thunderous and you bit your lip as you nodded.

“You have no idea.” You managed to whisper as he wrapped his arm around your waist.

“Sorry we couldn’t catch up, Hawks.” He spoke, still looking into your eyes as he did. “Looks like my little pebble needs to get home. I’m sure you understand.”

With that, the two of you left, leaving Hawks standing dumbfounded behind you.

“You wanna tell me what that was about?” Riot finally spoke again as the two of you entered the parking garage.

“Not really.” Your mind was still spinning, “Thanks for the help, Riot.”

“It’s Kirishima.” He said, softly as you approached your car.

“Kirishima.” You tested it out. It was foreign on your tongue, but not unwelcome.

“You want me to go home with you?” He asked and you felt a blush bloom across your face before you looked at him dumbly.

“Huh?” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, a blush creeping up on his cheeks as well.

“I mean- to make sure you get there safely and everything.” He cleared his throat, suddenly breaking your gaze. You smiled, your stomach feeling flutterings you hadn’t experienced for almost two years.

“I’m a hero too, you know.” You said, teasingly.

“O-of course, I just thought-“ you giggled, he was too easy to tease.

“I’m happy to bring you back to your place- it looks like you were planning on one last patrol though.” He finally looked back at you, his eyes trying to read your expression. It was stifling, that look and you cleared your throat before rambling on, “I suppose I do owe you a bit of an explanation. It’s the least I could do to give you a ride as thanks.”

“I was planning on another round but it’s late… so if you’re willing to drive me… what I’m saying is…” he stopped himself, “I’d like that.” He muttered.

You nodded, then walked to your driver's side, sitting down and trying to not scream internally as he sat next to you. Your car adjusted with his weight and you felt suddenly self conscious about the state of your car- would he judge you for the smell of stale coffee or the miscellaneous straw wrappings on your passenger side floor? If he did, he didn’t say anything, he just casually provided you his address for the GPS. For the next few minutes, the only sound that could be heard were the incessant directions of your car, taking you on what felt like the longest drive of your life.

“He’s my ex.” You said, suddenly, to break the silence the two of you had lapsed into.

“Who?” He looked over at you, and though you trained your eyes on the road, you could detect surprise in his tone.

“Hawks.”

“Really?”

“Yup.” You said almost curtly. “Broke up a few months ago.” You readjusted, feeling his gaze on you was a little uncomfortable.

“Why did you—“ he let himself trail off, then caught himself. “Actually, I don’t need to know, I’m sorry that was-“

“We have different definitions of fidelity.” You interrupted him. “I think it means you stay loyal to one person, he thinks if someone else wants you and they’re super hot, sleeping with them should be acceptable.” You smirked as you shrugged, though saying it out loud hurt you more than you would like to admit.

You hadn’t talked about the break up with anyone. Not even your best friend. All she knew was you were done, and you didn’t want to go back. Kirishima was now the only one who knew the truth.

“That’s so unmanly.” He said, as solemnly as possible and you barked out a laugh. “What? What did I say?”

“Nothing-“ you said through giggles as you pulled up to his apartment. “It’s just-“ more giggles “unmanly?” You bit your lip, finally turning to him as you parked.

“So… he’s the one that was calling you all day?” Kirishima changed the subject. You sighed, resting your head on the seat as you turned toward him.

“Yeah. He wants to get back together. Doesn’t seem to understand the phrase ‘fuck off’.” You smiled, though it didn’t quite meet your eyes.

“And you think that kiss will be enough to keep him away?” He asked, almost incredulously.

“I would think so-“ you looked at him through your lashes. “It was a pretty great kiss.” You chewed at your bottom lip subconsciously and you watched as his eyes followed the movement.

“I don’t think he’s gonna stop until he really gets the message.” His voice had changed again, all low and sexy and you felt those butterflies again.

“So what do you suggest?” You swallowed, your mouth was suddenly completely dry. He leaned over to you, his massive hand caressing your face and covering half of it.

“Make the message so loud, he can’t ignore it.” He brought his face to yours, eyes looking in yours then to your lips to give you plenty of time to change your mind. In response, you leaned in to close the gap, brushing your lips against his just barely.

He increased the pressure, exhaling in relief as you permitted him to continue kissing you. The two of you quickly became a mess of tongues and teeth- though as things became more heated, the tiny space of your car was hardly accommodating.

“Would you like to-“ he broke the kiss to ask you a question, though you didn’t let him finish.

“Fuck yes, let’s go.” He smiled at this, chuckling as his thumb caressed your cheek.

“I was going to say come up for a drink, but I have a feeling you have a little more on your mind.” Your face reddened in embarrassment.

“A d-drink would be nice.” You swallowed. “I’m a little thirsty.”

“That’s one way to put it .” He said with another smirk and you pushed his chest, smoothing your hair and trying to catch your breath when you heard his rumbling laugher as he exited the car. The sound of it was enchanting. He walked around and opened your door, ever the gentleman, and you unfastened your seatbelt before grabbing his hand and following him inside.

Kirishima had a massive penthouse apartment, with all new everything and expensive furnishings.

“So this is a top hero’s apartment, huh?” You asked as you looked around wide-eyed. “You probably spend in a month what I do in a year.” You mused out loud as he walked over to his massive kitchen, grabbing a couple bottles of water from the fridge.

“I’m comfortable.” He said with a slight chuckle. “But it helps that I split the rent.” He walked towards you, offering you a water before gesturing to a large U shaped leather couch by a fireplace.

“You have a roommate?” You watched him nod, then sat on the edge of the couch, watching him walk away before your eyes continued to drag themselves around the room “Who? Wait, you’re not-“ he shook his head.

“I’m single, don’t worry.” You let out an exhale you didn’t know you were holding. “Bakugo and I have been roommates since college.” Your brows raised at this.

“Dynamight?” You asked incredulously. “Lord-Explosion-Murder—screams-at-children-number-two-hero—Dynamight is your roommate?”

“Yep. Hey, do you want anything harder than water?” You heard him call out to you, apparently in your awe he had returned to the kitchen.

“You bet your ass I do-“ you muttered, then louder; “whiskey, if you have it?” You looked back at him and watched him nod, his back to you as he rifled through the kitchen, moving surprisingly swiftly to grab a glass and some expensive looking amber fluid in a crystal container.

You had been staring into the fireplace, still oscillating between several levels of shook before you felt a gentle hand on your shoulder. You looked up, and Kirishima was smiling at you, handing you a glass of whiskey.

“Do you mind if I go clean up?” He asked with almost an apologetic expression. “I haven’t had a chance yet to change and-“ you nodded

“That’s fine, I’ll just be out here…” you gestured to the couch. “Waiting.” You offered what you hoped was a sexy smile, not missing the way he swallowed before he straightened up.

“Five minutes. Promise.” He was almost childlike as he scampered off, leaving you to collapse into the couch in wonder at the situation you now found yourself in.

What a bizarre series of events. Not even an hour ago, Red Riot was a coworker you barely knew. Just someone who you would idly chat with in the mornings, occasionally fight beside on patrol- now you were in his apartment, drinking whiskey, watching a fire and waiting for him to— you took a drink, hoping the alcohol would calm your nerves.

Kirishima was an incredibly attractive man. Maybe not by super traditional standards; with his spiky teeth and even spikier hair, but there was always a kindness to him you found intriguing. Not to mention, he was absolutely ripped. Nearly seven feet of carved muscle and rugged angles, a sharp contrast to his normally shy and kind personality. Your nails tapped on the glass in your hand as you stared into the flames.

What if this was a mistake? You didn’t know exactly what was happening tonight, though you knew what you had hoped for. He was really too nice of a guy to be a rebound…

As you lost yourself in your thoughts, feeling the pleasant warmth of the fire and the hum of the whiskey making its way through your bones, you were snapped out of your reverie by the sound of a door closing.

“Hope you didn’t wait too long.” His voice echoed out and you looked up, letting out what could definitely be interpreted as a moan.

Freshly showered Kirishima was a god. His hair which was usually styled sharply fell into his face softly, just passing his shoulders and you could see a hint of his black roots at the top. It was weirdly sexy to watch as he pulled his hair behind his face and tied it in a low ponytail, his bangs falling into his face gently. He was wearing a black sweater that did absolutely nothing to hide his hulking muscle and a casual pair of jeans that seemed to strain against the sheer bulk of his thighs. As he sat down, the smell of his shampoo or body wash enveloped you; sandalwood and something earthy- like the smell of rain. You wondered now what you had been so concerned with before, the idea that you had an important thought being the only thing you managed to grasp.

“You alright?” His voice was soft, sweet, as he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. You blindly set your glass on the table beside you before leaning in to kiss him again.

It felt so right to kiss him. Losing yourself in his taste was so easy, so comfortable, so— as he pulled you onto his lap, gripping your thighs with his massive hands you moaned into him. His contagious smile could be felt on your lips as the sound escaped you and it almost bothered you how calm he was. You wanted him to feel the same as you, feel this untethered. You brought yourself down to sit fully on his lap, grinding the apex of your thighs against him.

When you found the hardened flesh there eagerly waiting and heard his breathy little groan you finally smiled back before pulling away from the kiss.

“I’m fantastic.” You managed to croak out in response to his question, looking at him to see a darkened expression over his features.

“(Y/N)-“ your name came so easily from his lips, you hadn’t realized he had actually known it until now.

“Yes, Kiri?” You kissed along his jaw, tilting his head to find his exposed neck, kissing him gently before biting the flesh at the junction of his throat and collarbone. His grip on your thighs tightened in the most delicious way when you did, and you licked at the flesh before returning to his lips. But he pulled away.

“What do you want?” He suddenly asked. You paused, over him.

“What do you mean? I want you.” You sat back, studying his expression. He groaned, bringing a hand up to his face.

“I mean- what do you want from this? I’m all for us hooking up to make Hawks jealous and everything-“

“Who?” Your genuine surprise seemed to astonish him. For a moment, you had forgotten what had brought you here, to this man’s couch, practically begging for him to take you.

“Seriously.” He sighed. “I think we should probably talk about what you actually want from this before we-“ you brought your hand to his lips, silencing him.

“I kissed you back at the agency for a distraction. Sure. But-“ you looked around the vast apartment. “I don’t see him here now, do you?” You smiled down at him. “If this was just to piss him off, I would call him while you were breaking me in half so he could hear what a real man can do.” Kirishima blushed at your words. “And while that might be fun to do some other time…” You leaned back, pulling off your shirt to reveal your chest covered by a padded sports bra you had put on that morning when you had no idea you would be straddling one of Japan’s top ten heroes. Kirishima didn’t seem to mind as he swallowed at the sudden exposure of your flesh, “Right now, I’m only thinking about you. And I would have thought,” you gave another experimental grind of your hips, delighting in the almost tortured sound he made, “that what I wanted was obvious.”

Kirishima studied you for a few moments, searching in your expression for the truth in your words. He must have found what he was looking for as he kissed you, immediately opening his mouth to tangle his tongue with yours.

It was sloppy, steamy and downright indecent, but gods if it didn’t spark your need for him. He brought his hands back to your thighs, caressing them before grabbing handfuls of your ass, landing a harsh slap that caused you to shriek into his mouth.

“You’re a naughty little thing, pebble.” He purred. “I didn’t expect you to be this-“ you brought your own hands to the hem of his shirt, dragging them up along his toned abdomen to rest on his pectorals, clawing at them before gesturing you wanted the shirt off.

“Forward?” You finished for him. He pulled his shirt off, then returned to your lips, hardening his grip before standing up, carrying you around like you were made of air.

“Bedroom?” He panted into your mouth. You nodded and kissed him back.

The way to his room was a bit of a blur. He stopped a few times along the way, pressing you up against the walls, letting his hands explore every dip and curve on your body. You thought, distantly, that you might have heard things crash to the ground at some point, but had a sinkhole opened in the middle of Mustafu, you probably wouldn’t have noticed. There was nothing but him. His touch, his lips, his sounds, it was all that mattered right now.

When your back met the plush of his bed and he crawled over you, you felt another moment of awareness at the sheer size of him. He seemed to even block out the light in his room, his face was nothing but shadow. He pulled back again, finally allowing you to see his tortured expression, his hand brushing your cheek as his eyes seared into you.

“Are you sure you want to keep going?” He asked, his voice strained like the idea of you saying no was physically painful. You leaned up to kiss him, your hands trailing down the expanse of his chest to stop at the button on his jeans. You let them sit there for a moment, playing at the hem, enjoying the feel of where the elastic on his briefs beneath his pants met his skin.

“Are you sure you want to keep going?” You mirrored him. “I’m not the one who keeps stopping.” You were smirking, but your heart was racing. He set every nerve you had on fire, you couldn’t remember ever feeling like this.

“Are you kidding?” A lopsided smile graced his face. “You’re all I think about, (Y/N). I’m still not convinced this is real.” Your eyes widened. Did he really feel that way? A blush spread across his face. “Sorry.” You didn’t know how to respond to his sudden confession so you kissed him again, finally allowing yourself to unbutton his jeans and try to wriggle them off his hips.

He seemed to understand your hint and helped you out, standing awkwardly and shuffling his pants down his legs. He stood then, almost bashfully when your gaze was immediately sent to the large tent in his boxer-briefs. Chewing at your lip again, you swallowed. Everything on this man was giant. You slid your leggings off your legs, throwing them unceremoniously to the floor before motioning for him to return to you. He moved quickly, his lips finding your neck and every sensitive point on it as his hands wrapped their way around your torso, arching your back and bringing you as close as possible to him.

“May I?” His fingers were playing at the back of your bra and you nodded, turning your face to him again, finding his lips once more. He unclasped your bra, having to lean up from you to pull it off, one arm resting beside your head. He pulled back a little more, looking over your body with a sort of reverence. A small whimper left you at the seriousness of his expression, which he seemed to take as you missing his lips on you (not that he was entirely wrong).

“You’re so damn beautiful.” He whispered into your neck, kissing down your collarbone and sternum before dragging his tongue over your breast. He found your nipple with the wet appendage, circling around it before bringing it into his mouth with an sultry suck. You gasped, hands tangling into his hair. He continued to lavish you with his lips and tongue, and when you pulled out his hair tie so you could run your fingers through his hair, he bit down on the top of your breast, causing you to shriek at the suddenness of it. He pulled back.

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to-“ you threaded your fingers to the base of his scalp, tugging harshly.

“Stop apologizing Kiri.” Your voice was stern. “I’ll tell you if I don’t like something. But I’m not going to break.” He still looked unsure, so you tugged again, eliciting a small moan from him. (Hair pulling kink unlocked) “I mean it.” You swallowed, “Do whatever you want.” A choked sort of sound left him, and he kissed your lips again.

“You…” whatever he was going to say, he didn’t. He bit your bottom lip, the sharpness of his teeth caused a slight sting but it felt so good. Kirishima moved down your body again, littering bites and kisses wherever he went.

He crawled down the bed, stopping between your thighs. He sat up then, spreading you before him, staring at the apex of your thighs with a hungry expression.

“Anything I want?” A devious smile formed on his face. You nodded, for the first time a bit unsure. “You might regret sayin’ that, pebble.” He lifted a hand, using his quirk to harden his arm. Your heart was racing as he dragged a sharpened finger down your torso, not hard enough to draw blood, but strong enough to feel dangerous. He hooked his finger into your panties, quickly moving his hand to shred them off of you and expose you fully to the room. He deactivated his quirk, then removing the offending scraps off your body, lowered his head.

He bit your hip harshly, and you twitched at the feeling, legs immediately trying to close but he held you open with just one arm. He kissed the spot he bit, running his tongue over it to soothe the ache before moving to your thighs. He kissed and sucked the inner flesh there too, and you felt yourself clenching on nothing, the part of you he had exposed was yet to be touched and it was driving you insane.

“Kirishima please-“ you whined. He looked up at you, like you were disturbing him from enjoying himself. A switch had definitely been flipped at some point; where he had been eager to please, now you were his plaything.

“It’s Eijiro.” He said with another well timed bite.

“Eijiro! Please!” You begged again. He didn’t make you wait this time, bringing his face to where you wanted him most, he licked a long stripe up your folds.

“Delicious.” He muttered to himself before he began devouring you with a fervor. His tongue dove into your weeping heat, fucking you open with the thick appendage and you moaned, gripping his hair again like your life depended on it. This egged him on, as he brought a finger to your folds and pushed one inhumanly large digit inside you.

You were already so close, it was embarrassing. His tongue moved to your clit, circling around, writing out incantations that had you ready to cream any second. You managed, just barely, to look down at him. His cheeks were flushed, hair mangled by your hands and his eyes were burning into you with a sincerity you’d never seen before. He pushed another finger inside of you, scissoring and curling them to stretch you out, hitting your spot absolutely perfectly- and that was it. With a loud shriek you came, and he eagerly lapped up every bit of you, letting out a satisfied hum that vibrated your core. His fingers slowed their pace to work you through your orgasm, his tongue gently caressing you.

Out of breath, you tapped on his shoulders, trying to communicate to him that you wanted him to return to you. He understood and almost hesitantly, crawled back up your body, kissing you without a word, feeding your taste to you with his tongue.

“Eiji-“ you moaned into him “I need-“ again, he seemed to understand what you meant without words as he slithered out of his boxers, the weight of his manhood slapping against your thigh when he was freed. Your hands glided from his shoulders down the broad expanse of his back, raking your nails down his chest before you wrapped a hand around him.

He was thick. The thought of it had you drooling a little into his kiss. A small, inhuman sound left your lips when you dragged your hand up his length and felt the beads of pre already weeping from him. He broke the kiss with a moan, looking down to see your hand struggling to wrap fully around him while you angled yourself uncomfortably to try to pump him. He thrust into your hand, eyes practically rolling back before he stopped himself entirely.

“Hold on-“ he let out with a hiss before stopping your hand, grabbing it with his and pinning your arm next to your head, threading his fingers into yours. With his other hand he lined himself up with your entrance and slid up and down your slit, lubing himself with your slick.

It felt heavenly. The head of his cock kept barely catching on your entrance, then would move up and kiss your clit. You ground into him, trying and failing to just line him up with your core; though the feeling of him fucking your folds was pleasant, you wanted more.

“Slow down, pebble.” He moaned out into your neck, his voice like liquid velvet against your skin. “We’re gonna have to take it slow.” You wanted to protest, but even just the action of him rubbing against you was sending you toward another release. “Holy shit, are you gonna cum again for me, pretty girl?” Your eyes rolled into your head as your hips increased their pace, you thought you nodded but you couldn’t be too sure. There was something so primal about this experience. The need you felt for him was entirely animal. He chuckled darkly into you, then finally, agonizingly slowly, he began to push inside you.

The second his head made it past the first ring of muscle, you nearly blacked out. It was a stretch far beyond the familiar.

“F-fuck-“ he groaned, trying to keep going slowly but his hips were sputtering like he was trying to hold back.

“I told you-“ you angled your hips up to take another inch in- the stretch was incredible, “I’m not gonna break.”

You would one day wish that you could find the words to describe his expression, or the sound he made at your revelation, but you registered nothing as he lost complete control inside you. With one sharp thrust, he buried himself in at the hilt. There was no pain, just the immediate burst of pleasure you felt as he finally filled you. Your back arched off the bed, toes curling in his sheets while your knees squeezed his sides closer- like he could get any deeper.

“Y-y-you’re-“ he was stuttering, his every movement completely halted at the feeling of you pulsing around him. “Fuck it’s like you’re sucking me in-“ he pulled out agonizingly slowly before returning to you, thrusting tentatively at first before gaining confidence and speed.

His lips returned to yours, kissing you and refusing to separate any inch of himself from you. You were completely enveloped in his body, distantly experiencing the feeling of your damp skin clutching onto his. You couldn’t decide where to put your hands- they traveled from his hair to his shoulders to the sheets back up to his hair and you were sure that you could die in this moment and be completely fine. You were building up to something again, another gloriously dangerous crescendo that threatened to tear the fabric of your being apart.

“(Y/N)-“ he moaned into you, “I’m gonna- I can’t-“ his words were just as wrecked as you felt, and you nodded against his lips.

“It’s okay, Eiji. Let go.” You whispered the last part and he growled, pistoning his hips into you before there was a hitch in his movements, a moment where with a grunt, you felt a warmth spread through you. The feeling of being so intensely full, of being whole and still getting more finally sent you to your final release. Your head fell back, trying to bury itself in the sheets beneath you and as his movements sputtered and slowed he kissed your neck. He was grunting like the sound was being forced out of him, like he did whenever you were in a really tough battle and the thought sent heat over your body.

It was all too much.

Finally, the room seemed to still, the two of you were a collection of broken gasps and whimpers. He continued kissing your neck and face until you felt him soften and slip out of you. With a groan, he rolled himself away, leaving you stunned and a little cold.

You simply stared at the ceiling. The gentlemanly hero, Red Riot had just fucked you to the point that you saw stars at the edge of your vision. The thought made you smile. For a moment, you almost felt insecure that he left right afterwards until you heard a faucet in the distance.

Still catching your breath, you tried to drag your head to look at him when you heard his steps approach.

“How you feelin’, sweetheart?” He asked gently as he sat next to you, his massive form dipping the bed as you felt something warm and wet between your thighs. He was cleaning you up. Gentleman indeed.

He kissed you, rubbing the thumb of his unoccupied hand across the plane of your cheek. You smiled at him, kissing him again.

“Ethereal. You?” He chuckled into you, tossing the washcloth in the general direction of his hamper.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” He laid himself down on his bed, opening his arms in an offer to cuddle and you obliged, not minding the fact that the two of you were still a little sticky with sweat. His arm pulled you into his side, draping your leg over him and holding you there while his other arm rested behind his head. For a few moments all you could hear was the heartbeat in his chest; strong, calm, dependable.

“Did you mean it?” You asked him. His thumb, which had been idly petting your thigh suddenly stopped and he looked down at you.

“Mean what, pebble?”

“When you said I’m all you think about.” It was embarrassing to even ask, it was probably just something said in the heat of the moment. Hawks was like that, he would say all sorts of things when you were in the bedroom and when you were done…

“Of course I did.” He responded without any hesitance. He was blushing when you looked up, which was insanely cute.

“For how long?” You bit your lip. It felt like you were digging your grave here, but you couldn’t help it.

“Dunno. Just sorta noticed one day that you’re all I notice.” He said this so casually, like it was just an irreprochable fact. “I uh… I was actually about to ask you out. You know, before we uh…” he trailed off, suddenly embarrassed.

“I’m so glad it was you that got off that elevator.” You said, seriously. He let out a laugh before kissing you.

“Me too, pebble. Me too.” The kiss that followed started soft, but was starting to heat up as he rolled back over you, his hand cradling your face like you were precious. As your need started to reignite for him, you heard a loud slam.

“Oi, shitty hair! I brought dinner for your dumb ass.” The familiarly violent voice of Bakugo rang out through the apartment. Kirishima groaned into your neck, and you chuckled. “Why are all the pictures knocked down? What the fuck?” As the ferocious blonde started stomping towards his room, Kirishima reached for the covers on the bed, pulling them over you.

“I’m really sorry for what’s about to happen.” He said to you apologetically before rolling out of the bed with a groan. He pulled on his jeans with haste, still jumping trying to wrangle them on while he made his way out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him gently. “I have company, bro! Chill out, you're gonna scare her.” Though he tried to whisper, the urgency in his tone caused his words to carry through the door.

“What the fuck kind of-“ Bakugo’s footsteps stopped. You continued to giggle. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Muttered conversation that was unclear reverberated through the space.

“I didn’t get enough food for a third.” You heard Bakugo yell towards the room, “So if you want to eat you’ll have to feed yourself.”

***

Across the street, on a rooftop that was positioned perfectly to look into a certain Pro-Hero’s bedroom sat a blonde hero with wings crimson as blood and a heart shattered beyond repair. A feather gently floated toward him and he grabbed it, clenching it with all the rage he felt.

He had seen everything. Heard every word, every demented moan. She had never been like that with him.

Though Hawks knew the reason he lost her was his fault, he still felt she belonged to him. His eyes narrowed as he set off, flying high above the city, eyes burning. He wouldn’t lose. Not to him.

His resolve, crumbling as it was, still spilled fire through his veins. He would find a way to get her back, even if it meant hurting her again.

[yurimother]

An Update on YuriMother

As I'm sure many of you have noticed, there has been a distinct lack of my regular news coverage and articles as of late. I recently moved and started working at a new school (for those who do not know, teaching is my day job). While I love this job, it has considerably taxed my time and energy, which compounded with my strained focus and dedication that was already affecting the volume of my content, resulting in the near month-long silence.

However, I hope to recommit myself to YuriMother, as nothing in my life brings me more joy than my work with Yuri, and I want to continue celebrating the genre as I have for the past 11 years. This means resuming coverage of Yuri news stories, conducting more research, writing more reviews and articles, filming videos for TikTok, and working towards some of my personal larger goals for YuriMother.

Rather than going back and trying to cover everything I have missed over the past month, I am posting an article with a quick roundup of many major Yuri manga and light novel releases. The rest of the news slate is planned out for the week with, of course, room for any new stories that break. Additionally, I have several articles of varying scope, both for the main YuriMother website and for the Patreon exclusive "Secret Garden" line, at different stages of conceptualization and research. I look forward to drafting and editing these soon. Some are pieces that have floated around my head for over a year, and the prospect of finally putting them to page for you all to enjoy and learn from delights me.

I also created a poll on Patreon for members and the public, whether they subscribe to me or not, to decide the subject of my next review. Perhaps more than anything, I am thrilled by the prospect of actually reading Yuri again, as I practically have not consumed anything since I spent the majority of July burning through over a hundred webcomics and several times that amount in dollars because forget those free period wait times, I've got lesbians to fangirl over, for the 2023 Yuri Guide. There are so many incredible new titles and returning series sitting on my bookshelf, or more accurately, sitting in or on top of moving boxes next to my as-of-yet unassembled bookshelf, that I am thrilled to share with you.

Lastly, I want to thank you all for your continued support and patience with me during this time. I know many of you back me, and my work with your hard-earned money,  a fact which persistently baffles and humbles me, and I acknowledge that I have not always lived up to my end of that relationship.

I cannot promise that I will be perfect or that there will not be times when I struggle to deliver YuriMother content, but I can at least assure you that I will try my best every day and once again express my enormous gratitude to all of you. Thank you, everyone, especially my wonderful Patrons, for your engagement, kindness, support, and love of Yuri.

Sincerely,

Nicki Bauman The Holy Mother of Yuri

As always, if you can, consider joining the YuriMother on Patreon. Patrons can check out news, reviews, and articles early, get access to exclusive content like "The Secret Garden" an series of essays all about Yuri , and help support me and my work celebrating Yuri anime and magna.

[beta-captions-for-cucks]

When Chastity becomes a part of you

The first time I tried out a chastity cage, I was in college. It had come right after the end of my first relationship. It was a weird and emotional time because I had been dating this really beautiful girl for about 6 months. She was smart, funny, and very beautiful. We were both in our early 20s, and she was excited to "corrupt me" as I was still a virgin.

We had spent a couple months talking about our what our first time was gonna be like and all the different types of role play stuff we'd try afterwards. However, as we got closer to having sex, I began to get very nervous. At some point, I realized I wasn't ready to lose my virginity and asked her if it would be okay if we didn't have sex.

She said no. Sex was too important to a relationship. We broke up.

Soon after the break up, she found a new boyfriend. Taller and more attractive than me. I had felt like I had made the hugest mistake in the world. While she was dating this new guy, I was beginning to discover new parts of the kink world. I had always had a fetish for maid uniforms, but at some-point I discovered maids wearing chastity cages. I was confused but something in me was interested.

I bought a plastic cage, and the first time I tried it on I took it off immediately. Not only was it impossible to easily get on because I kept getting hard, but it felt so damn uncomfortable. How did people enjoy this kinda thing?

I didn't throw out the cage though. Despite being uncomfortable, I kept trying it on for bits of time. I can't say I ever fell in love with it during that time, but I also couldn't stop trying cages on even if for only a few minutes.

I remember also discovering cuckholding around this time and a part of me wanted to drive to my now exs house, confess that breaking up was a mistake, and ask her if I could at least be her and her new boyfriends maid. But, I was much too shy, meek, and confused to do that.

Time past, I got into a new relationship, we lost our virginity to each other. I can't remember if I ever caged myself during that time. I had this misconception that I was a dominate person. When me and her would play around, I'd take the dominate role but always felt lost. Even than, I felt bad she had to settle for what I was packing but she always reassured me she enjoyed it.

At that point in my life, I could stay caged for an hour, two at most. I still thought it was interesting but it was more a curiosity. Why did I like squirting from my cage rather than like how a regular man would? Why did I keep caging myself if I felt frustrated from it?

During the pandemic, I began wearing my cage for extended periods of time. I'd still feel that frustration but it wasn't nearly as intense. The sensation of the cage felt pleasant, and Oing with the cage on felt better than any other way I had before.

One day, while I was putting on the cage, I noticed a difference. I didn't get hard while putting it on. It was at this point, I realized the cage had won over my biology. Before, getting the cage on was a grueling process. I'd have to put on the base ring, wait a few minutes to calm down, and even than getting the cage part on was hard. Yet, that day the cage just went on. There was no fighting it. No difficulty.

From that point on, I felt almost naked without the cage. I could go hours without wearing it, but why would I want? I felt so much less anxious when I was caged. However, wearing the cage also made me want to do other things and so sometimes I'd go a few days without my cage just so I could focus on life. I was mostly self-locked so there wasn't anyone controlling my chastity. I could cage and uncage as I pleased.

With chastity, I think you need the dedication to give yourself time to get used to it, but also have someone your staying caged for. Someone who can give you guidance, reassurance, and some humiliation to keep going.

I already had part of that. It was slow, took years, but eventually I got so used to my cage that taking it off felt wrong. However, I also didn't have a person pushing me to keep it on. Now that I have an owner, I wanna be caged. It's no longer just about the sensation but so I can be the best beta sub for her.

[pcttrailsidereader]

The Pacific Crest Trail: The US West Coast's 'greatest footpath'

By Gavin Scarff

One hundred years after the US designated the world's first wilderness area, an epic hike offers adventure seekers the chance to experience a slice of the nation's wild side.

On 3 June 1924, more than half a million acres of pristine mountain meadows, rock-walled canyons and aspen glades in south-west New Mexico's Gila National Forest were designated as the world's first protected wilderness area. One hundred years later, the National Wilderness Preservation System now counts 806 official "wilderness areas" spread across nearly 112 million acres in the United States – an area twice the size of the United Kingdom.

Two years after Gila's wilderness designation, educator and hiker Catherine Montgomery proposed creating "a high-winding trail down the heights of our Western mountains… from the Canadian Border to the Mexican [border]." The idea gained momentum during the 1930s under the stewardship of oilman and avid outdoorsman Clinton C Clarke, who dedicated much of his life to creating a border-to-border trail "traversing the best scenic areas and maintaining an absolute wilderness character", as he put it. This idea would eventually become the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT): a 2,650-mile path connecting Canada to Mexico and has been called the West Coast's "greatest footpath".

In 2023, craving a challenge that would break us from our desk-bound lives and thrust us into the wild, my partner, Claire Taylor, and I qualified as Mountain Leaders and set out on an epic journey to complete the entire PCT. For five months, we hiked past cascading waterfalls, snow-covered badlands and narrow slot canyons as we travelled south along "America's Wilderness Trail". Upon finishing, there was one section that really stuck out to us: the state of Washington, which is home to 31 designated wilderness areas (11 of which the PCT traverses).

The PCT section of Washington covers 505.7 miles of incomparable beauty over remote passes, snowy peaks and dense ancient forests with little sign of human life. And since Washington's portion of the PCT leads hikers through a greater percent of designated wilderness areas (63%) than the other two US states where the trail passes (Oregon and California, which contain 52% and 37%, respectively) it remains a true testimony to Clarke's vision of maintaining a slice of the original American wilderness.  

Into the wild

"But what about the bears?" Claire asked. I replied with the line I'd been telling myself: "The presence of bears embodies the wilderness that we are seeking." In all honesty, having never hiked in bear and mountain lion country, we were a little nervous. We were about to spend five months hiking the PCT with nothing but our tent and hiking poles to protect us. But on our first day, we jumped out of the back of a pick-up truck whose faded bumper sticker read, "Into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul", and onto the trail.

We had spent an hour cramped among a handful of other hikers bumping along a dusty dirt road that wound its way along steep cliff edges from the small village of Mazama, Washington, to the trailhead at Hart's Pass, stopping just once for a herd of large white mountain goats to cross. Since it isn't permitted to cross a remote, unmanned border into the US from Canada, most travellers hiking southbound actually start here at Hart's Pass. They then trek north for 30 miles to "tag" the border before returning along the same trail where the pick-up truck had dropped us off four days earlier.

The North Cascades

Our journey started in the North Cascades, a vast mountain chain spanning more than 500 miles known for its jagged peaks, subalpine meadows, glaciers and waterfalls. "If you look at a map of Washington state, all the wildest places run down the spine of the North Cascades mountains," says Chris Morgan, an ecologist, filmmaker and podcaster who has called the North Cascades home for the past 30 years. "That spine is where our wilderness areas protect the wildest of our wild – [our] untamed landscapes where nature rules and reconnecting with raw, unfiltered life is still possible." As Claire and I peered out from the dense forest up to the towering mountains that we would soon ascend and pass through, we were struck by the utter vastness, remoteness and grandeur before us.

Ancient "blowdowns"

Within designated wilderness areas, there is minimal human intervention. "[Protected wilderness areas] were set up as places for humans to visit, but not linger," Morgan explained. Ten days after setting off, Claire and I were hiking through Glacier Peak Wilderness Area, known for its heavily forested streams, steep-sided valleys and rugged glacier-covered peaks. Fallen trees littered the path, often requiring us to carefully clamber over or under the debris. We passed a large "blowdown" fir tree that had been knocked down by a storm, cut and cleared by hand. Upon closer inspection, we noticed that someone had counted and marked its rings. Squinting, we counted roughly 700, meaning this tree was here more than 100 years before Columbus sailed to the Americas. As Morgan told me: "These [wilderness] areas thrust you back in time… to a time that connects us all to the raw nature of primordial life."

Staying wild

The PCT is maintained by the Pacific Crest Trail Association (PCTA) and a team of incredible volunteers. When I later asked Kage Jenkins, who works for the PCTA, about the role of designated wilderness areas, I was taken back to the 700-year-old downed tree. Kage explained, "Trail maintenance projects in wilderness areas mean no chainsaws or motorised tools; we rely on the crosscut saw. There's a simplicity and joy in spending the better part of a day at the foot of a stratovolcano cutting an enormous Douglas fir."

I then asked how the PCTA manages to maintain the trail while also keeping it wild. "The trail itself always finds a way to stay wild," Kage said.

Shifting landscapes

By July, the snow had just melted but there was already talk of fire among fellow hikers. We passed one young trekker going north to the Canadian border, who told us, "I hiked 2,600 miles last year but couldn't reach the border due to fire closing the trail. I'm back to hike the last 50 miles!" Wildfires are a very real threat in Washington. In July 2014 the Carlton Complex Wildfires burned 256,108 acres. This threat also provides opportunities for nature; some animals like the black-backed woodpecker and fire chaser beetle have evolved specifically to thrive in burn zones, while seeds from plants such as the snowbrush have shown that fire can actually stimulate germination. A warming climate means that the frequency and magnitude of Washington's wildfires is likely to increase.

In late July, we came across our first real burn zone. We hiked in silence through the dead trees, it was eerily quiet and somewhat disarming. The charred remains were a sobering reminder of how seemingly indomitable landscapes can be altered so quickly.

Ups and downs

Claire and I quickly found hiking through Washington both exhilarating and calming. Shortly after setting out, we came across the first bear droppings we would see in the middle of the path. Some nights, our campsite was swarmed by mosquitoes that had recently hatched following the melting snow. Other times, as the skies darkened and thunder rumbled, we rushed to find a flat camping site to wait out the incoming storm. This rollercoaster pattern continued, with hours of sunny, stunning hiking interrupted by extreme weather and energy-sapping lows. As Kimberly Myhren, a hiker we befriended on the PCT, said, "What makes [the PCT in Washington] difficult to hike is also what gives Washington its serene and rugged beauty."

These ever-shifting landscapes only added to the sense of wonder and adventure we felt along the trail: we weren't just passing through the environment but interacting and coexisting with it. "As many wilderness areas are large enough that there is no cellular service, these landscapes are places where one tends to disconnect from technology and be present in a different manner," Michael DeCramer, policy and planning manager at the Washington Trails Association, later explained "Visiting a wilderness area can afford an experience of remoteness that is difficult to find elsewhere."

"The mountain"

After a few weeks, we settled into a rhythm. While our GPS told us that we were covering an average of 20 miles and ascending more than 3,200ft each day, we soon found that we were measuring things differently. We focused less on time and distance and more on how we felt emotionally and physically. We were, as DeCramer later said, "present in a different manner".

One sunny day in mid July, "the mountain", as it's known to those in Seattle, came into view. Mt Rainier, the iconic 14,410ft active volcano and the most glaciated peak in the lower 48 states, appeared like a beacon. We had hiked 250 miles and knew we would enter the Mt Rainier Wilderness Area at mile 330, and having a reference on the skyline reinforced how quickly we were moving; each time we emerged from a dark forest or from a sheltered hillside, the mountain seemed to grow. Where possible, we would pitch our tents to catch a glimpse of the mountain before we fell asleep. The following morning, we would watch the first rays of sun reflect off its snowy peak as we sipped our steaming coffee.

The climb

The high-altitude terrain means that hiking the Washington section of the PCT shouldn't be taken lightly. It took us a full month to reach the Oregon border; by then we had ascended nearly 100,000ft – the equivalent of climbing Everest three times. With bags full of food, water, a tent, a sleeping bag and mat, clothing, a stove and gas and other gear, your fitness levels quickly improve. We had spent months training, yet still found ourselves exhausted most days and falling asleep by 20:00. After just 19 days, we had both lost a fair amount of weight and managing our weight and calorie intake became a battle we would fight for most of the trail.

Wilderness and civilisation

Whenever we needed to hike into nearby towns for supplies, the transition from wilderness to civilisation was abrupt and it felt strange to suddenly interact with locals after having not washed in days. Being able to fill up on much-needed food was great, but it came with hiking out of town with a heavy bag. Our meals were made of lightweight, high-caloric foods such as seeds, nuts, dried fruit, noodles, porridge, milk powder and the occasional freeze-dried meal as a treat. We stored our provisions in bear canisters that doubled as stools as we sat preparing dinner each evening. The canisters are designed to prevent bears and other creatures from accessing to your food supplies, and ensure there is no association between people and food.

We were awoken one morning by the sound of a pack of coyotes playing as the sun came up, their howls echoing through the forest. We also had five bear encounters in Washington, including a close interaction with a mother and two cubs who were more interested in their pursuit of berries than our presence. We met hikers who had seen mountain lions just metres from their tent. Deer would appear from nowhere, often while we were camping, curious and unafraid. On many afternoons, we passed marmots who whistled loudly at us to stay away.

Rustic lodging

In many places, long hikes end at a cabin with a hot shower. This is not the case on this section of the PCT, however. "Washington is home to some of the most remote areas on the entire PCT," explained Kage. "There are 40-mile sections of trail between the nearest two roads, further still to the nearest town." We carried our home with us, diligently pitching it every night at one of the numerous flat dirt spots established by previous hikers along the trail. Many nights we slept closer than we would have liked to dead but still standing trees – "widow-makers", as they're known by hikers, for their tendency to fall in the night.

While there were times I certainly missed a hot shower, many hikers prefer this rustic approach. As DeCramer said, "Many people report that wilderness areas provide an opportunity to experience challenge and self-reliance." Kage agreed, adding, "The PCT helps ensure each hiker can enjoy their own wilderness experience: appreciating a natural landscape and ecosystem, finding isolation or connection to and interdependence of wild places."

"What about the bears?"

After a month of hiking through Washington, I thought back to Claire's first question as we set out: "But what about the bears?" As I began writing this, a PCTA update flashed up on my phone: grizzly bears will soon be reintroduced into Washington's wilderness areas. "There are only six ecosystems in the USA outside of Alaska considered wild enough for grizzly bears, and this is one of them," said Morgan, who has been instrumental in advocating for their reintroduction "They will feel right at home deep in the heart of the endless forests and giant peaks that their ancestors once roamed."

One hundred years since the Gila wilderness area came into being, this feels fitting. For PCT hikers and for Washington, it's one more reason to cherish this great wilderness.

[age-of-moonknight]

Thank you for pointing us towards the Moon Knight vs Shroud issue in your tags. Much appreciated! I'd be curious if you have any other information on the Shroud and any other times he and Moon Knight have crossed paths. Besides his appearance in the Avengers Unlimited arc, I am not terribly familiar with the character. Thank you again for all you do - I look forward to your commentary on the new release every month.

Hello!!! Thank you for submitting an ask as it’s always great to hear from you! :D Unfortunately, I wouldn’t consider myself a Shroud expert (although I would be fascinated to meet anyone who does???), with most of my experience with the Shroud coming from brief encounters with other characters while reading through their comics.

What I do know is Maximillian Coleridge has a rather Batman-like origin (common criminals gunned his rich parents down in front of him and he consequently dedicated his life to fighting crime), but instead of learning from the League of Assassins, Max threw in with the Cult of Kali. The graduation for that group however involves getting a forehead mark that grants extrasensory perception at the expense of one’s eyesight. The cult booted Max out after that and he seems to have spent most of his career since on the darker side of gray, with one of his first plans to make a name for himself as a hero, for example, being to just straight up assassinate Doctor Doom (oh and he also has his own means of shadow travel, make of that what you will). One reoccurring theme for him seems to be getting involved with criminal or villainous organizations to subtlety manipulate them into doing good. That brings us to how him and Marc meet, by the way! In Solo Avengers (Vol. 1/1987), #3, Max is leading a villain group called the Night Shift and sets up a test of combat to show that Marc should be the group’s leader (although he fails to tell Marc this until only after Marc has thoroughly trounced him and nearly smothered Max with his own shroud).

Looks like Marc called in what he owed as Max then helped Moon Knight wrangle Taurus for the West Coast Avengers in West Coast Avengers (Vol. 2/1985), #29.

Since then, they haven’t interacted much! They were in the same Heroes for Hire network in Heroes for Hire (Vol. 3/2010), but I haven’t found any instances of them interacting on-panel there. Also, as you mentioned, they had a brief team-up in the Avengers Unlimited infinity comic (issues #33-36 specifically for anyone curious), but while friendly, it was a pretty utilitarian team-up that focused mainly on Jessica Drew and Moon Knight and the Shroud only had the most surface-level interaction.

But I guess that first meeting really had an impact on Max (I mean, me too, but wow)! Again, I’m no character expert, but it seems that Max tends to cycle through periods of great violence and/or mental/emotional volatility (his wiki page straight up calls him a sociopath which….hmmmm….), so while I have very little faith that that was handled with any care in past comics, I look forward to seeing what Mr. MacKay might do with his character.

Fun fact: Max was however in the Bar With No Name when Mr. Knight strode right in and made one of my favorite proclamations of all time in Moon Knight (Vol. 9/2021), #7.

[writingsofwesteros]

The article that Helly did- Helaena Targaryen; The Emergence of a Dragon

Helaena Targaryen is arguably one of the most reclusive of the Targaryen-Hightower siblings. Where her sister Daenora or brother Aegon revel in the spotlight, Helaena is far more content with being out of it- anonymous, as she says- "Oh, believe me, I'm always grateful to Aeg and Nora for being the ones who thrive in the spotlight. I'm also grateful that when I do go to high-profile events, I have my siblings there to calm my nerves." Helaena tells me as we sit in one of the many, many rooms of the Targaryen family's massive estate.

Indeed, it's been a time of great change for the soft-spoken heiress, as she not only worked to launch a foundation for the preservation of insect species found in the Old Valyrian ruins, but for the past four years, she's become a mother to a pair of the sweetest twins. "It wasn't exactly planned," She tells me, smiling kindly at the maid who served us lemonade. "But my sister Daenora says that sometimes the best things in life are the unplanned ones. I never really pictured myself a mom until I saw the positive tests, to be honest."

When I asked her about how motherhood's treated her, and how she plans to go ahead with her kids carrying the weight of the Targaryen name, Helaena had this to say; "Motherhood has been the greatest gift," She smiles, lighting up when she talks about her twins- Jaehaerys and Jaehaera, I learn are their names, something that the public spent four years speculating on. "I intend for them to lead lives out of the public eye for as long as possible. I know it sounds like an impossible task, but believe me, I've got some pretty strong-willed people with me on this journey." She looks up and shares a knowing smile with her first four siblings- Aegon, Aemond and Daenora- the youngest, Daella, yet to be seen.

"The Targaryen name is like a blessing and a curse, I think," She says thoughtfully. "On the one hand, public scrutiny has been something that's caused a lot of hurt in my family. We've grown thicker skin because of it, but it's hurt, for sure. The lack of anonymity can be frustrating- drones following you on private vacations to get picture of you, the judging from people who don't even know you- yea, that one got to me when I was younger." She explains to me. "But...without it I wouldn't be free to do what I do now. I've learnt to accept that it's also a blessing, to have the opportunities I do, but also what the name will give my kids." She told me.

I couldn't resist asking her about the rest of her family- after all it's no secret that the fascination with the Targaryens- their dramas, their 'traditions' and unfamiliar customs, their way of life seems to never die as the generations continue. From the beginning Westeros has been obsessed with the silver-haired family. Even now, with the polyamorous marriage between Rhaenyra, her Uncle, former playboy Daemon, and Helaena's own mother, Alicent Hightower rocked the Westerosi social scene for months. The speculation as the the paternity of Helaena's twins was rampant, though most narrow it down to two candidates- though Helaena is quite content to never tell.

The controversial age-gap relationship between Stevonna Baratheon and Otto Hightower caught everyone by surprise, without a doubt. Even the hidden youngest sibling, Daella, is a subject of great speculation for fans- they wonder if we'll ever see a glimpse of her in the public eye. What's clear, though, in this rare interview from the gentle, kind, soft-spoken heiress, is why she's so beloved by not just her family, but fans, despite her quiet social media presence, there are thousands of fan pages dedicated to her. "Oh, yes, that always surprises me," She said with a laugh. "I always imagine that's more Nora's territory than mine. People adore her."

Though we weren't able to get much information on her twins- the presence of her brothers made sure of it- there was a little sparkle in her eye when I asked about the next generation of Targaryens.

I bow to you! You should be writing books !

I adore this so much!! Helaena is just the sweetest thing ever and I love how the twins names were not know.

[itsbelvina]

Been super busy with life lately and didn’t have much time to write here. But now, I’m back and focusing on doing things I enjoy. I've realized how important it is to be surrounded by people who love and support me. So, I’m spending a lot of time with friends and family. They make everything better and remind me of what's really important. My job is also a big part of my life now, and I’m trying to do my best at work.

Over the past few months, I've come to a crucial realization: sometimes, you just need to try and stop overthinking. It’s easy to get caught up in our thoughts and doubts, but believing in yourself is key. I’ve learned that I deserve to be happy and to enjoy my life. Overthinking was holding me back. I spent so much time worrying about the future and what could go wrong that I forgot I have the power to make choices that lead to happiness and a better life.

I’m making a conscious effort to change this. Instead of dwelling on the “what-ifs” and uncertainties, I’m focusing on the present and the things that bring me joy. I’m taking steps to improve my life and make it more fulfilling. It’s not always easy, but I can already see the difference it’s making. I’m more at peace and more content with where I am and where I’m heading.

One big change I’m making is shifting my focus away from love stories. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about finding the right person and building a relationship. But now, I want to put that energy into my career. I believe that if I focus on myself and my goals, everything else will fall into place when the time is right. Love will come when it’s meant to, and I’ll be ready for it. For now, I’m dedicated to my career and personal growth.

I’m not closing the door on love completely, but I’m not letting it be my main focus either. If and when the right time comes, I’ll find someone who truly loves and values me. Until then, I’m working on being the best version of myself and enjoying the journey. It’s a new chapter, and I’m excited about what the future holds. I’m ready to embrace life, with all its ups and downs, and make the most of it.

[lennonmurphy]

I dove headfirst into adulthood. Here's what I've learned:

As a recent college grad, I've been overwhelmed by the bitter taste of independence and adulthood. Freedom is good, but the anxiety, fear, and insecurity requires a lot of adjustment. I'd know, considering the first few months of official adulthood for me has resulted in stress-induced alopecia (it's getting better, thank god).

I think I've learned more in the past few months than I have in the last two decades. I'd like to share a few of these things.

You will learn more in your first few months as an independent adult than you ever did at college and that's okay.

From budgeting to time management to mental health, it has been a whirlwind of life lessons for me. I've panicked over more things in the past few months than I ever have in my life, which is borderline impressive considering how anxiety-ridden I am. But, you do learn. And it does get easier.

Sometimes things are scary, but you will always make it through.

Nothing in life is so bad that you can't make it through. There is always a way. You just have to ground yourself with that knowledge and be present. Where are you right now? What can you do, right now? Sometimes you end up creating problems that aren't even there, and you stress yourself out more. It isn't worth it- save your energy. Even when it seems like the end of the world, you get back up.

Time spent on your own is good and necessary.

I can't lie, my biggest fear for most of my life was loneliness. But, being alone doesn't have to mean you are lonely. And, time alone is necessary. Whether you're pursuing passion projects or just relaxing, you need this down time. Otherwise, you'll have no energy to dedicate to anything else. Let yourself recharge.

Some people are brick walls.

I am extremely argumentative. I love debate, and I love winning debates. At times this is a great trait, at other times it is to my detriment. When other people just *won't* hear you out, you've got to know when it's time to call it. Some people truly are brick walls and it isn't worth wasting your energy to convince them of something when they aren't open to hearing that they are wrong. Which leads to another point.

Know when you are wrong.

The inability to admit wrongdoing is often a symptom of young age, but your life gets so much better when you can admit it. It leads to improved communication, and it saves friendships. Plus, why wouldn't you want to improve and get better? Being wrong is not the end of the world. You are a human and you are constantly improving. That is okay!

Slowly, but surely.

This mindset has been saving me recently. I am an instant gratification girly, and I have been learning not to be. Many things in life do not come easy. Just be patient and keep working towards your goals, and don't lose hope.

For the love of god, watch where you are running on trails.

I've been an avid runner for years now, but injury has stopped me from consistently running for a few years. I'm getting back into it now, and I've fallen three times in the past two months on the trails, scraping my knees and pulling muscles. So, if you're trail running, watch the path ahead of you. It'll save you a lot of time (and swearing).

Cats are amazing.

I love cats so much, but wow. Having a cat yourself? Life changing. A complete mental health game changer. I love my cat so much.

Positive self talk does wonders.

It sounds corny, but positive self talk really does help. When I'm running and I feel like stopping (my endurance just isn't what it used to be, but we're getting there) I tell myself "you're doing it!" and "you can! you are!". Gotta say, it does keep you going- and not just for running.

I know I'll definitely continue to learn more. Comes with the territory. Maybe I'll add some updates to this list as I go.

Thank you for reading :)

[ageofhearingloss]

Who Are You Now Pt. 2⎮ Danny Wagner x Reader

A/N: rise and shine bitches, welcome to part 2!!! this part is insanely angsty and literally cleaved me in two when i was writing it, soorrrrrrryy!!! this is dedicated to my anxious folks and overthinkers, especially when it comes to relationships (which includes myself so in many ways, this was very therapeutic for me to write). part 2 is where we see danny and y/n’s dynamic truly unfold, and i really hope y’all enjoy it!! as always, let me know what you think💕💕

here is part one hehe

pairing: danny wagner x female reader, a little bit of jake kiszka x female oc

warnings: angst, and a lot of it! drug use (marijuana- DON’T DRIVE WHILE INEBRIATED KIDS!), language, mentions of anxiety (a lil negative self talk), brief mentions of sex, slight sexual content- 18+, MINORS DNI!!!

word count: 8.1k

summary: you and your best friend have just moved to a new city and spontaneously meet a group of handsome young strangers during a night out. you hit it off with one of them in particular, but are left wondering if you are just friends or if there’s something more on the horizon.

“I swear to god y/n, if you burn the popcorn one more time!” 

You shrieked as Danny chased you into your kitchen, heading straight to the microwave, the culprit of the burnt aroma. “Sorry sorry sorry!” You were both in a fit of giggles as you flung the door to the microwave open, “I got distracted!”

“Distracted, or stoned out of your goddamn mind?” Dan jests, eyelids heavy as he reached for the box of popcorn thrown haphazardly on the kitchen island, opening a new pack. You reached for it with an outstretched palm, but he dangled the pack just out of your reach, making you really work for it, laughing as he watched the concentration increase on your face. You finally snatched it out of his hands, “I don’t see why I can’t be both.” You huffed, throwing the new pack in the microwave and handing him the scorched remnants in return.

It had been seven months since that fateful night at the tavern; you thanked your lucky stars every chance you got that the boys you befriended had stayed a constant in your new life. After your coffee date with Daniel, the two of you continued to grow closer, and now he ventured into a new, unprecedented territory: best friend, although no one would ever come close to Natalie. You and her had spent countless nights ruminating over that first coffee outing with the boy; the two of you had been so sure it was a date. Everything about it, from the way he rushed to meet you outside the coffeeshop once he saw that you had arrived, to the fact that you two had talked for so long that it was far past lunchtime and he offered to take you out for a meal. You learned he owned a record store not far from where you lived, music also being an intense passion of his. You talked for several more hours and once you were done, he paid for everything, and drove you home once finding out that Natalie had dropped you off that morning. That’s a date, right? You and Nat agreed that it had seemed romantic, but after that one Saturday, your relationship with Dan had been strictly platonic. 

Of course you wanted more, and there had been countless instances in the past months that would suggest that there was more to this relationship than “just friends,” but you were far too anxious to make a move if that meant jeopardizing your friendship. The issue was one that you did not take lightly; ever since you were little, it took you ages to truly open up to people and make genuine, long-lasting friendships. Dan somehow already knew that deep down, and he came into your life wielding an ax, cleaving down every single wall that you had expertly built to protect yourself, and claimed that vacant territory in your heart in record timing. But you were all too aware of the lingering gazes, the wandering hands, the 3am phone calls that your new best friend graced you with; each left you with a hollow, unsettling feeling that you could not shake. 

“Hey, space cadet, I’m talking to you,” his voice rang in the back of your mind as you whipped your head to meet his gaze. His shoulders were shaking with laughter, eyes heavy and voice laced with molasses, all telltale signs of just how high he was, even if he didn’t act like it.

“I swear on my life I didn’t hear you speak. You have my undivided attention,��� you said, putting on a faux determined expression to try to convince him. The two of you indulged in weekly movie nights, alternating between staying at your apartment and his. The genre of movie rarely changed, both favoring comedies over anything else, but the various snacks and refreshments frequently rotated.

“Uh huh, right. Well I asked if you wanna go out and get some gummy wor–” Before he finished his thought, you were racing for the front door, tossing him his keys, and clambering to get your shoes on. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said to himself as he threw his keys up and caught them mid-air, eagerly following on your heels, out the door and down the driveway. He was one of those people who could operate better with a little weed in his system, something you were immensely jealous of. 

You slid your way into the passenger seat, buckled up, and rolled down your window as he threw his car into reverse, arm wrapping around the back of your seat and left it there for the beginning portion of your excursion. It was early April, spring making its official debut, and you could not get enough of the crisp evenings and clear night skies. You looked at the dashboard to see the time, 11:07pm. The stores had long been closed, but you would never say no to an evening drive. Perhaps you two would find a gas station still open, or a 24-hour CVS.

“A thought for a thought?”

This was your favorite game. 

You turned your head to search his face, and found his features illuminated by the streetlamps that sped past you. His hair was thrown back in a low, sloppy bun, tendrilled curls falling around his face that billowed in the breeze of your opened window. His beauty struck you every moment he was in your presence, and you wondered if it was something you would ever get used to.

“I’m thinking that everything is closed by now, I think gummy worms are out of the question,” you offered.

“No way, it’ll just be an adventure. Hunting for gummy worms on a Friday night.”

You nod, finding it impossible to peel yourself away from his side profile.

“Okay, your turn.”

“Mmmm,” he pondered, “I’m thinking that I’m sick of listening to my music and think you should play yours instead.”

“That’s really what you’re thinking about?”

He huffed a sarcastic breath.

“Yes, y/n, that’s really what I’m thinking!” His words were bright with humor,  “Now plug your phone in.” 

You disconnected his phone, interrupted by “And quit looking at me, it’s making me nervous.” 

You vaguely saw the corners of his mouth perk up, but you quickly diverted your attention to the task at hand, cheeks burning as you shuffled Revealer by Madison Cunningham softly in the background. 

He chuckled and shook his head slightly, “You know me too well.” His hand left the steering wheel to crank the volume up. 

You were happy to settle back into your seat, swept away by the music, lulling your head to your right shoulder to watch the world pass you by. You felt Danny’s hand settle on your knee, his thumb absently ghosting small circles into the side of it as he sang along to the familiar melodies.

“Who are you now? Who are you this time?”

Moments like these were the ones that swam around in your brain at night when you tried to fall asleep; the ones that always had you second guessing where the two of you stood.

~~~~

When Jake was home from touring, he would host dinner parties, excited to cook for a group of people again. Sam was always his sous chef and resident bartender, and the patrons of the party were only required to show up. The people in attendance sometimes rotated; occasionally, Sam would bring the woman he was courting that week, impressing her with his culinary abilities. But Jake could always count on his brothers, Natalie, and you to be there. 

That night was like any other; all of you crowded around Jake’s beautiful dining table, bottles of wine emptied and replaced with fresh ones at lightning speed. The dinner Jake and Sam had thrown together had been delicious, everybody stuffed to the brim, tipsy from red wine, and content to sit and enjoy each other's company. Dessert, however, was not far off, so you and Daniel assumed your usual roles of helping clear the table and getting started on the dishes. 

The two of you were alone in the kitchen as you made your way to the sink to set down your armful of dirty plates. 

“You wash, I dry,” he said, rolling up the sleeves of his knit sweater, slowly making his way to stand beside you at the sink.

“No way, I washed last time,” you picked up the sponge and tossed it his way, “you gotta start pulling your weight around here, Wagner.”

He glanced at you out of the corner of his eye before turning the faucet on, letting the water run over his fingertips before lifting his hand to flick the water in your direction. You let out a sharp yelp, followed by a hearty laugh as you threw your arms up in surrender, joining him again in front of the sink with a dish towel in hand. 

He got to work, settling into a silent groove, handing you the clean dishes for you to dry. You listened to the laughs that drifted in from the dining room accompanied by the Jeff Buckley record Jake had selected for the evening. His defenses were lowered as he concentrated on scrubbing a particularly crusty pan, and you took the opportunity to nonchalantly step away from the sink, rolling up your towel and landing a sharp crack against his ass. He jumped slightly, stopping his washing to throw you a sinfully mischievous grin.

“Oooh, you are playing with fire now, babe!” He tsked, eyes on you as he dropped the sponge back in the sink.

You snort out a laugh, “Babe?!?!”

His grin was pure evil, now, “You heard me.”

Dan launched himself at you, causing you to shriek and run to the other side of the kitchen island, the only thing standing between you and his soapy attack. The two of you were howling with laughter as he chased you around the island, a game of chicken taking place. He finally got the upper hand and cornered you, backing you into the kitchen counter. Your chests were heaving together as your giggles slowly died down, your eyes plastered to his as he stared at you with a wolf-like smirk. Faces flushed, out of breath, the mixture of adrenaline and red wine pulling you into a fog of the densest tension you’d ever experienced.

When did he get so close?

You watched as he raised his hand, bringing the backs of his knuckles to brush ever so lightly against your cheek as he whispered, “You do look like an absolute babe tonight, though.”

Your eyebrows shot up in disbelief, a laugh escaping through your nose, “Oh, buddy, we have got to work on your compliments.”

He chuckled, not seeming to be embarrassed in the slightest, and continued to close the remaining space between the two of you, causing you to raise your arms and lay your hands delicately atop his chest. His same hand cups your cheek now, grazing his thumb over your cheekbone as his nose brushes against yours, the action alone making your eyes flutter closed. You leaned into his palm, feeling his warm breath against your mouth. A featherlight touch of his lips ghosted over yours as he barely whispered,“You want me.”

Those words floored you. You felt your thighs clench together as  your heart began fluttering at a dangerous speed.

You were growing impatient, you needed his lips against yours. Your fingers gripped his sweater, hoping to indicate that same carnal need to him but when his lips didn’t meet yours, you forced your eyes open. He was still millimeters away, but his eyes were blown wide with lust accompanied by that same mischievous, shit-eating grin. The second he saw your eyes open, he snaked his other arm around your waist, crashing your body into his while simultaneously bringing his other hand off your cheek to rest under your chin, lifting it so you had no choice but to lock your eyes with his. He’s toying with you, you know it, but damn if you aren’t falling for it. He leaned down, both of your eyes closing as his lips brush against yours in the faintest promise of a kiss–

“Helloooo, you guys need any help–” Josh came barreling through the threshold of the kitchen, stopping dead in his tracks as he witnessed the event happening before him. He clamped his hand over his mouth, trying, with great difficulty, to hide the giant smile plastered to his face but failing miserably. His eyes darted to Dan’s hand around your waist, then up to your flushed complexion. Following the trail of his gaze, Dan dropped his hands away from you, taking a couple steps back. You had just been caught red handed, but you mustered up the courage to say “We got it covered, thanks though, Josh.” He made a swift exit, giving you a salute in confirmation before scampering back to the dining room. 

Dan dropped his chin to his chest, hand clasping the back of his neck while you looked at him, awkwardly shifting your weight between your feet. He finally glanced at you through his lashes, then over to the sink where half of the dishes lay, unwashed. A couple of pots lay next to the sink, waiting to be dried. 

He cleared his throat, “You’re giving me grief about not pulling my weight, but you’re slacking on the job.” He gestured towards the sink.

You let loose a laugh, pushing off the counter to return to your station, unsaid words laying heavy in the air. The two of you were silent once again, resuming your tasks, mentally cursing Josh for interrupting– 

A giant hand jutted in front of your face, causing you to jump in your seat.

“Where the hell do you keep going tonight? I swear I’d love to get inside that brain of yours.”

You were startled out of your memory, completely lost within the confines of your own mind that you hadn’t noticed the car had come to a standstill in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven. Judging by the fact that the car was already off and the keys no longer in the ignition, you had been there for at least a few minutes.

“I’m just in my head tonight, sorry,” you loosed a shaky breath, nervous to meet his gaze that was threatening to burn a hole clean through your side profile.

All jokes aside, he said softly, “Yeah, I can tell, you know I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

Concern made an appearance in his tone, but all you could muster was one slow shake of your head. You didn’t dare peel your eyes away from the windshield as you both sat in charged silence. His voice cut through finally, “Stay here while I run inside, and then I’ll get you home. Think about what movie we’re gonna watch.” The car door opened. “ Be right back.”

You heard his door slam but your stare remained forward. Why were you suddenly so upset? 

Coward, coward, coward. 

That memory that had run rampant through your mind, guns blazing, somehow unleashed all of your rage and uncertainty towards your situation with Danny. Why hadn’t he said something? Done something? Better yet, why hadn’t you done something either? 

Coward, coward, coward. 

Did he truly not feel anything for you?

No, y/n, he nearly kissed you. That means something. 

You felt a million miles away from your body, head swimming with anxious thoughts and “what-ifs.” You knew you shouldn’t, couldn’t, be upset with him for not making a move; if you were, that would make you the biggest hypocrite alive. He probably hadn’t said anything for the same reason you hadn’t, right?

Your breathing increased its pace, your heart beginning an unpredictable rhythm. Why did it matter so much whether you were romantically involved with him? You were so happy being his friend, and cherished his companionship, so why was it not enough?

Through the windshield, you could see into the front of the store. You watched him pass two bags of gummy worms and a pack of peach rings, for Nat, to the cashier. He was making small talk with the man behind the counter; the way his eyes would crinkle in the corners when he smiled, the slight nods to acknowledge what the other person was saying clued you in. You had always admired how polite he was to strangers, offering everyone that simple smile that eased any and all tension in a room. He gathered the candy into his arm, shaking his head ‘no’ for a receipt, and turned to walk through the door and back to the car. Your eyes never left him, and as he made it through the door, he could feel your stare. He stopped right in front of the car and locked eyes with you, the toothiest grin slowly creeping on his face. He noticed that you hadn’t smiled since you two left your apartment, and knew that given time, you couldn’t resist matching his grin with one of your own. He didn’t move until he saw the sides of your mouth quirk upwards, a threat of your teeth about to make an appearance before he bounded to the drivers side door, flinging it open, and carelessly plopping down in his seat.

“There’s my girl.”

~~~~

The ride home was mostly silent, but in a pleasant, comfortable way. The music had shifted to a mixture of soft rock, Dan once again cranking the volume and placing his arm back in its rightful place, behind the passenger seat. Pulling into the driveway, you noticed Jake’s car parked on the street, and once Dan realized it too, he let out a faint sigh of “He’s gonna be pissed I didn’t get him anything.”

He followed you inside, kicking off his shoes in the entryway as you made your way to the kitchen where you could already hear Jake and Natalie’s laughter. The sound of it warmed your heart, hastening your steps. He had treated her like an absolute queen ever since the bar, and you were elated to see how happy he made her. The two of them hit the ground running after that initial meetup, and they had been inseparable ever since. 

Dan was on your heels as you made your way to them, seeing Nat perched on the counter as Jake was shoveling popcorn into his mouth. 

“Oi, you left this in the microwave,” he shook the bag. 

You couldn’t help but laugh as Dan scowled at his brother, walking over to Jake to scoop a big handful of popcorn out for himself.

“Got you something, Nat,” she perked up as he tossed the peach rings to her, earning him an excited “hell yeah” in return. 

“Y’all have movie night tonight?” She asked, already chowing down on her gummy snack, Jake crunching loudly on the popcorn beside her. 

“You know it,” you replied, going to snag what remained of the popcorn from Jake’s clutches. “You wanna join?”

Jake smirked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down, “Nope, we’ve got other plans…” 

Nat shoved him in the shoulder, and you were laughing again as you shook your head from side to side. She then hopped off the counter, setting her peach rings down on the cool surface. 

“Well,” turning halfway towards the staircase leading to her room, “we’ll let you get to it. ‘Night!”

Dan chuckled as he watched Jake follow her up the stairs.

“Can you at least try to keep your volume down this time?” You called after them.

“No promises!” You heard Jake shout from the top of the steps, Nat’s bedroom door slamming a second later. 

“Oh god,” Dan laughed as he turned towards your living room with your gummy worms in tow. 

~~~~

You two had settled on some indie art film that Josh had raved about, your usual comedic choice not making the cut for tonight's viewing. Josh was always giving you lists of films he deemed his favorites, but more often than not, you felt like you didn’t truly understand them. 

Dan was settled on the floor in front of the couch, your legs on either side of his shoulders. He always gravitated towards an old, knit blanket you owned, color faded and threadbare. Whenever he was at your place, it was draped around him. He was snuggled up in it, eyes strained on the TV, clutching the bag of popcorn like his life depended on it.

You two watched in focused silence for a while before your brain began to hurt from trying to decipher the film's plot.

“Are you following anything that’s going on?” You asked, thrusting your hand down in front of him in a silent request for the popcorn he was hogging. He handed you the bag, eyes still glued to the screen, and you replaced the bag in his hand with the gummy worms you were hoarding on the couch.

“I’m gonna be honest, I’m really trying to follow along but I have no idea what’s happening,” he chuckled out around a mouthful of food, glancing over his shoulder to look up at you. He silently watched you for a moment, and then softly butted his head against your knee. 

You knew what that meant.

“Dude, my fingers are drenched in butter. It’ll get all over your hair.”

“I don’t mind, I have to wash it tomorrow anyways,” he nudged your knee again, this time with his shoulder.

Setting the bag of popcorn on the couch beside you, careful that it didn’t spill, you sighed. 

“When you wake up in the middle of the night reeking of popcorn, don’t come crying to me,” you slowly worked your fingers into the roots of his hair, gently scratching his scalp in the way you knew he loved. 

He hummed in satisfaction, leaning his head completely back to rest in your lap. His eyes were closed, a sleepy smile gracing his lips, and you couldn’t help but use the opportunity to study his features. Even in the middle of the night, only illuminated by a cheap strand of string lights and the bluish hue from the television, he was glowing. It took every ounce of strength and willpower not to sweep your fingers over his cheeks, to not marvel in his beauty like he wasn't equivalent to the most magnificent ancient marble statues. Freckles were beginning to dust his nose and cheekbones thanks to the spring sunshine, and you wished you had the time to count each one.

You did not dare venture to study his lips; you knew that would be your undoing. Instead, you tilted your gaze back down to look at the hair that was slipping through your fingers, noting the caramel and red highlights in his dark chocolate curls as you gently pulled away the hair-tie that secured his bun. You were careful with the tresses, making sure that you didn’t separate his curls too much, something he’d jokingly scolded you on in the past.

Distracted by the task at hand, you hadn’t noticed that his eyes had opened, watching you intently from his upside-down position as you combed through his hair. He stayed quiet as he watched you; it was his turn to marvel in your beauty. He studied the way your eyes danced around, how your pupils dilated in the darkly lit room. He admired how gentle and soft your hands were; how you were quick to apologize if your fingers caught on a snarl in his hair, how you went the extra step to detangle the especially gnarly bits. He felt safe with you, content to be himself.

Your fingers worked their way back to his roots, and only then did you notice his gaze upon you. Your breath hitched as you halted your movements, cheeks aflame under his stare. His eyes darted to them, taking inventory of the crimson painted across your face, causing his smile to widen. You couldn’t help but reciprocate it, resuming your work on his hair. His eyes fluttered, but he fought to keep them open as he lifted his hand all the way up to gently graze your cheek. Again, you faltered, that slight touch igniting a fire deep within your stomach. He watched you hesitate as his fingers lingered against your face, his smile turning from innocent to a devious smirk. He knew he shouldn’t toy with you, but it drove him crazy how responsive you were to his touch. Drove him crazy to think about how you would respond if he really touched you.  His fingers danced along your cheek, then traced your jawbone and landed underneath your chin as he said in the softest of whispers, “You are so beautiful.” 

You couldn’t help the giant smile that crept upon your lips, but needing to deflect, you countered, “Awfully touchy tonight, Daniel.”

He bared his teeth to you, “Can’t help but state the facts.”

Somewhere along the way, your mind had quieted down, anxiety taking a backseat to let you enjoy your evening with him. But with his words, all of those angry, cowardice thoughts that bombarded you earlier that night came flooding back. 

Just another thing to add to the book of evidence. 

You felt your smile drop; you knew what he was doing and once again, it infuriated you. You knew your friendship meant a lot to him, but you were tired of being his plaything. You lapped up the attention he gave you like a kitten drawn to milk, and you knew that he used it to his own advantage. And damn, did it drive you mad.

Carefully, you removed your fingers from his mane, shifting on the couch to bring your legs together so he was no longer slotted between them. He watched your movements, concern now evident across his face as his eyebrows lifted.

“Y/n, I didn’t mean–”

“Relax, I’m just gonna go get some water.” You pushed off the couch in the direction of the kitchen, not before he grabbed your wrist.

“Babe, what’s going on?”

Babe. That cursed name.

You forced a smile to break upon your face as you wiggled your wrist from his grasp.

“Wait here, I’ll be right back.” You turned, padding to the kitchen, knowing your smile didn’t reach your eyes. Knowing that he damn well knew you were not okay.

You grabbed a glass from the cupboard, filling it before leaning against the counter to glance at the clock on your stove. 

2:11am already. 

You needed a breather, and in the darkness of the kitchen, you felt like you could collect your thoughts. You were usually quite good at stuffing down your feelings, refusing to acknowledge them because you knew once you did, they would control your every move. But now here you were, hiding from your new “best friend” in the safety of your kitchen, unable to tell him what was truly on your mind. 

You let a chuckle escape through your nose, Looks like my emotions are still getting the best of me no matter what I do.

You knew, deep down, that he would not reject your feelings; all logic would say that he felt similarly. No, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was what would come after that: would it ruin your friendship? If so, how would it affect your dynamic with the rest of the group? Losing your friends wasn’t an option for you, so you knew that you would have to master your feelings for Dan, no matter what. 

You took one more deep breath, placing the glass down on the counter when you heard the stairs creaking. You looked over to see an embarrassed Jacob at the bottom of the steps, clad only in his black boxer briefs, hair a mess and a slight sheen of sweat present on his tanned skin. Your jaw dropped as your eyebrows shot up, a giggle escaping from you as you took in the man who was usually  so suave. 

“I thought you would already be asleep,” he gave you a sheepish smile before donning his confident persona again, striding over to the cupboard to also retrieve a glass.

When you didn’t reply, he curled an eyebrow at you while turning on the faucet, “Gotta keep Natalie hydrated, you know,” as he filled the glass.

Before you could retort, he spun on his heels, scampering back up the stairs, leaving you alone in your kitchen once more with the faucet running. 

Why can’t Dan do that for me? Your heartbeat quickened.

No, y/n, don’t be jealous. Jake and Dan are completely different, give him time. But…

Seeing Jake, evidence in front of you that he and Natalie had just been in the throes of passion, reignited the fury within you for the third time that night. You thought you had quelled it, ready to go back into the living room to pretend all was well, but you were reminded of what you and Dan could be. Anxiety pulsed through you once more, electricity streaming through your veins. You wanted to talk to him, you truly did, but was 2am genuinely the best time to have this discussion? No, it wasn’t, and with that decision, you tried to put your raging anxiety on the backburner, determined to make it through the end of the movie, and go to sleep. 

I need some time to think, maybe I’ll talk to him tomorrow. 

You made your way back to the living room, climbing onto the couch behind him and crossing your legs.

“Was that Jake in the kitchen?” He asked, trying to gauge your emotions.

You glanced at him, “Yeah, he was getting Nat some water.”

“Oh, gross,” He chuckled, and you watched his shoulders shake, trying to let the comfort of his presence calm you. His demeanor was somehow always tranquil, something that you relished in, and in moments like these, you tried to let him be an anchor for you. 

The two of you didn’t speak for the remainder of the movie, and only until the credits started rolling did Danny turn to fully face you. 

“Listen, I’m sorry if I’ve said or done something to upset you, the last thing I wanna do is make you feel uncomfortable–”

You shook your head quickly, “No, Dan, it’s not that. I think I’m just tired,” you shrugged, “and maybe even still a little high.”

Those enormous brown eyes bore into you, his hand coming to rest on your knee. 

“Y/n,” he lifted his chin slightly, “You know I don’t buy that for a second.”

He paused for a beat before continuing.

“I know there’s something on your mind that you’re not telling me, and that’s okay, but you’ve been vacant a lot recently,” his eyes lowering to look at his hand upon your leg, “I’m just a little worried, that’s all.”

You were racking your brain for an appropriate way to bring up the conversation that you knew you desperately needed to have, but came up short. It was late, you two should sleep. And with the way you were overthinking, you knew you wouldn’t be able to eloquently explain what you felt. So the conversation would have to wait. 

“I promise nothing is wrong, you just gotta trust me,” you brought your hand to cover his that was still resting on you. “There’s just some stuff I gotta mull over, that’s all.”

He brought his eyes back to yours, and then watched as he scanned your face. You could tell he once again didn’t believe you; the slight knit in his eyebrows gave him away, but he seemed content enough to not push you too far. 

“Will you at least tell me when you’re ready?”

“Of course, I will.” This time, your smile crept all the way to your eyes, but it still wasn’t enough for him to fully relax.

Wanting the conversation to end there, you stood, gathering blankets and pillows to make up the couch for him. He stood a second later, offering you a timid smile, “I can do that, ya know.”

You smirked at him over your shoulder, fluffing a pillow and setting it at the head of the couch.

“Now what kind of hostess would I be if I made you do all the work?” You desperately wanted the atmosphere to switch back to the light, jovial nature it had been when you began the night. He’s stayed at your place countless times, insisting that he can make up his own bed, but it was always something you enjoyed doing yourself.

Once you were done, you turned back to him and his arms outstretched immediately, beckoning you to him. Without a second thought, you collided your body with his, arms wrapping around his torso as you buried your face into the safety of his strong shoulder. He rested his chin atop your head as he held you tight, cherishing your embrace and the scent of your shampoo present in your hair. 

“You promise you’re okay?” He asked softly.

You pulled away from his shoulder, tilting your chin up to look at his face. All you could manage was a nod accompanied with a slight smile. He moved your head back against him with his hand, and gave you a quick peck on the top of your crown. 

With that, you stepped out of his arms, knowing well that you would stay in his embrace for hours if you didn’t actively fight against it.

“Get some sleep, okay?” You said as you started making your way across the living room.

“See you in the morning, y/n.”

His tone made you stop dead in your tracks and look at him. He looked defeated, standing at the foot of the couch, staring at you as if there was more he wanted to say. As if there was something he needed to say. You recognized this look from him immediately. It was the same look he gave you the night you met as you were leaving the bar. And similarly to that night, you shook it off, turning back forward as you walked out of the room towards your bed beckoning to you from atop the stairs. 

~~~

Don’t knock on her door, idiot, she’s definitely asleep.

He lowered his fist away from your door, only to bring it back up and hesitate once again.

He was holding his breath.

Knock, damn it. Just fucking knock. 

He glanced at his watch; 4:15 in the morning. 

Danny’s head was swimming. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t think properly. All he knew was that his time was running out before your relationship started boiling over. And he knew you knew it, too. It was long past the point of letting your relationship naturally take the next step; he had avoided this conversation like the plague, tried to dodge every moment that would have been deemed appropriate to casually move your relationship forward. He avoided it all in hopes that you would bring it up. And knowing that he was waiting for you made the guilt pang in his chest. 

In the short amount of time you two had known each other, he had come to know you like the back of his hand; every nuance of your demeanor, every turn of phrase, every nervous tick. He could predict your movements and your words, and that is precisely why he knew exactly what you were thinking and what you refused to say. 

He exhaled a long, controlled breath, returning his hand to his side and leaned his forehead against the wooden door of your bedroom. He wanted to tell you how he felt; he wanted to tell you everything. His feelings clawed at the hollows of his chest, climbed up his throat and settled on his tongue, nearly forcing him to spit the words out every time the two of you were together. But he clamped them down, refusing to let them extinguish your friendship.

She knows, I just have to admit it to her. 

With a sigh, he made his way back down the stairs, through the kitchen that was only illuminated by the moon shining brightly through the window, and trudged over to the couch. He laid down on his back, eyes glued to the ceiling, knowing that sleep was not on the horizon for him. 

Why can’t I do this?

Everything he wanted to tell you bubbled up in his mind. The first day you had spent time together one-on-one, that fateful coffee date. He had been breathless watching you get out of Nat’s car, not even registering that he was on his feet, walking to greet you at the door until he was outside, looking at you as you stood before him, somehow even more radiant than you had been at Mickey’s. Your voice made his heart sing, your piercing eyes made his skin prickle, and he was incredibly terrified of how he felt for you, especially since he had only known you for a few days. 

He needed to tell you that was why the two of you never went on another date. You had brought him to his knees so quickly that he didn’t know what to do, didn’t trust himself to say the correct things around you, didn’t know how to act around you. So he chose the path of least resistance: being your friend. He chalked it up to lust, what he felt for you. Told himself that if he would master being your friend, master calming himself in your presence, and only then he would figure out a way to tell you about his feelings. But throughout the past several months, he found it more and more difficult to hold his tongue around you, to not reach out to touch you. Lust had quickly turned to something else.

Love.

If you tell her you love her, she will run. Be smart about this. 

He let his eyes fall closed, exhaling the breath that was tightly wound in his chest. 

In the morning, I’ll apologize. I’ll tell her everything. I’ll ask her on a proper date. And I won’t run away anymore. I can’t. 

He nodded his head slightly to himself, confirming his plan. 

She deserves it.

~~~~

Sleep evaded you, slipping through your fingers like the finest grains of sand. You laid on your side, staring out the window, watching the wind catch in the branches of the trees. Your mind was running a mile a minute, devising and solidifying your plan. Yes, you would talk to him in the morning. You were tired of being a coward, tired of making excuses as to why it never was the right time. He had to know how you felt, and the reasons as to why you were so afraid of voicing your thoughts. He had to know how terrified you were to take this leap, knowing that voicing your feelings would make them tangible, palpable. You’d tell him without any expectation of an answer, and even though you were fairly certain he felt the same for you, you would not allow yourself to dream about what could happen after this impending talk. 

You were brought back to your body as you heard the floorboards groan outside your bedroom door. You waited to hear any other hint of movement, but only silence answered. 

Probably just Jake or Natalie.

Flipping over, you looked at your alarm clock, 4:15am. You groaned internally, your hands coming up to rub over your face. You stared at the ceiling, watching the shadows from the trees dancing around your room. You debated whether you should get up to get a glass of water, to do something, but you didn’t want to wake Danny up. 

No, y/n, take it easy. Relax. If you force sleep, it’ll never come. 

You began to steady your breath, counting the inhales and exhales. Letting your mind wander, you reminded yourself of what you knew about meditation. Acknowledge your thoughts and anxieties and let them wash away without judgment. Eventually, your counting became a little difficult, exhaustion taking the reins, and you were summoned into a deep, dreamless sleep.

You awoke to a sudden knock on your door. With your eyes still closed, all you could manage was a loud “Hmmm?”, beckoning whoever was on the other side to make their way into your room. You cracked your eyes open, albeit with great effort, to see Natalie open and shut the door, walking over to your bed and taking a seat at the foot of it. Once she settled, your eyes drifted closed again.

“Morning, sunshine,” she offered, patting your feet that were buried beneath your comforter.

“You’re up early.”

“Yeah, Jake and I are going to grab bagels and coffee, you want something?”

You groaned, turning on your side to face her better as you forced your eyes open once more. She was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, something you rarely saw from her so early in the morning. 

“Everything bagel and an oat milk latte, pretty please,” your voice still gravelly.

“The usual, got it,” she stood, making her way back to the door. 

You lifted your head to watch her leave, “Oh, with an extra shot of espresso?”

She looked at you from the middle of your bedroom, one eyebrow raised, “Didn’t sleep much, did you?”

You shook your head no, hands rubbing at your eyes to rid the sleep from them. 

“Anything on your mind?”

You opened your mouth, hesitated for a moment. 

“I’m gonna tell him this morning. I was thinking about it all night.”

She gave you a knowing smile, “I think that’s a great idea, but you better hurry. I think buddy’s gotta go into work soon.”

Shit.

You were fairly sure he didn’t have to work this morning, but now you had to muster your courage much faster than you originally intended.

“Let me know what happens, we’ll be back in, like, an hour.”

You flopped your head back against the pillows.

“You got it, boss.”

Once she and Jake were gone, you shot out of bed, brushing your teeth at lightning speed and not bothering to change out of your pajamas. You sped down the stairs, halting on the bottom step when you saw Dan busy in the kitchen, tidying up from the night before. He was still in his baggy sweatpants, hair swept up in a bun atop his head, completely shirtless. He had his airpods in, bobbing his head and mouthing the words to whatever song he was listening to. 

How in the hell am I supposed to talk to him when he looks like that?

You watched in awe of him for a few more seconds, loving to observe him when he wasn’t aware of your presence, before officially stepping through the doorway and into the kitchen. 

“Morning,” you offered, only loud enough to catch his attention.

His head whipped to you, a smile already evident on his features as he removed the airpods from his ears.

“Sleep well?” He asked, placing a dish in the sink.

“Eh, sorta. You?”

He nodded in agreement, “Yeah, about the same. Hey, listen,” he was drying off his hands with a kitchen towel, “I got a call from Marcus this morning, he needs me to cover for him at the shop. I gotta run home to shower and change, like,” he glanced at the clock on the stove, “shit, like right now.”

“Damn, no day off for you then,” you responded, following him into the living room to see that he had already folded the blankets into a pile and placed the pillow on top. He grabbed his t-shirt from the back of the couch, yanking it over his head, his hair catching on the collar. He grabbed the rest of his belongings, shoving them into the pockets of his sweatpants before facing you. His eyes were bright, determined. 

“Listen, y/n, I really wanted to talk to you. I don’t have a lot of time, but about last night-”

“No, I’m sorry, I was acting weird and was just really anxious.”

The two of you made your way to your front door as you spoke, him slipping on his shoes. 

He shook his head, “You have literally nothing to be sorry for, but I wanted to apologize, too. For a lot of things.”

His back was to the front door as he pulled you in for a goodbye hug. 

“Can I call you later? To talk?” He mumbled against your hair before pressing a swift kiss to your head.

Damn, so I’m gonna be nervous about this all day?

“Yeah, of course,” you beamed up at him. “Text me if you get bored at work.”

He smiled in return, “You know I will.”

You stood glued to your spot as you watched him turn to face the front door, cursing this whole situation. You had finally mustered up your courage, and it seemed like he had too, only for the opportunity to be taken away from you. 

Damn it, Marcus. 

His hand rested on the door handle as he hesitated, not turning it. You watched as he stood there, frozen, seemingly contemplating whether or not he was actually going to leave. 

“...Dan?”

“Fuck it.”

He moved so quickly that you had no time to register what was happening. He yanked his hand away from the handle, spun around to face you so quickly that his bun loosened even further. You blinked as he closed the space separating you, his broad, callused hands swinging up to grip your cheeks between them. 

And then he crashed his lips against yours. 

Your eyes were wide with shock as his lips worked fervently against yours. They were softer than you imagined they’d be, fantasizing about moments similar to this in the private confines of your room late at night. You inhaled through your nose, your brain catching up to the actions playing out before you, and you let your eyes drift close. Your hands shot up to fist the material of his shirt, pulling him even closer to you as you deepened the kiss. That pulled a groan from deep in the back of his throat, one that would be permanently cemented in your brain for the rest of your days. He maneuvered you slightly so he could press your back against the wall of the entryway, pushing his body flush against yours as his hands moved from your face to slot in your hair. He tugged slightly, testing the waters, causing a faint moan to escape your lips. He took a mental note on how responsive you were to him, confirmation of what he had always believed.

Your open mouth presented the opportunity for him to swipe his tongue experimentally against your bottom lip, causing you to fully open for him, relinquishing any and all control you may have wanted. You clawed at his chest, desperately trying to get him closer to you even though it was impossible. The way you were wedged between the wall and his body, you could feel him harden beneath his sweatpants. The way his length pressed against your core had your mind reeling, stars appearing behind your eyelids. Your heart was threatening to beat out of its cage in your chest, and you knew he could hear it. Soon, your lungs began to ache in search of air, but you would rather faint in his arms than peel your lips away from his. 

Both of you were completely frantic, as if all the walls separating you two had come crashing down in the matter of seconds. He ground his body into you, another sinful moan escaping his mouth, vibrating against yours. He gave you one more tug at your roots, harder than the first time, and then his body was stripped away from yours. You felt his hands retreat from your hair, the warmth of him suddenly gone. Expecting him to connect your lips once more, you force your eyes open when he does not. He was standing before you, lips swollen, chest heaving, hair threatening to fall completely loose from the tie holding it back. 

Your eyes bore into each other, the silence charged with every primal need you wanted to fulfill. You were trying to catch your breath, back still pressed against the wall, as he gave you a shallow nod.

And all too quickly, he turned towards the door, grasped the handle and yanked it open, moving through it and shutting it behind him at an impossible speed. 

And you were left dizzy, disoriented, and alone in your entryway. 

To be continued…

[silawastaken]

the way it genuinely brought tears to my eyes as i finished the last chapter of the soulmate au. like??? this fic has been my LIFE for the past couple months and seeing the update always made my week 😭.

though I actually cannot wait to see whatever else you write, especially the spinoff and two slow dancers!!! (i haven’t read chapter 1 of the spinoff yet but i WILL right after i finish writing this)

and i’ve also met some amazing people through this fic which is crazy to me because if i didn’t click on this work that one day i was scrolling through ao3 what would’ve happened?? it’s just so insane to think about honestly…and the discord?? everyone on there is so nice it feels like such a welcoming little community. even just going through and reading all the messages brightens my day.

I SWEAR one day i will bind this fic and dedicate some sort of shrine to it on my bookshelf. i will recommend it to anyone and everyone i come across. i will think about it from years to come. i will dedicate my future successes to this beautiful piece of literature.

maybe i’m a little obsessed but hey. the emotions i experienced whilst reading this were unparalleled and it HAS made an impact on my life and myself as a person. (me and my bsf make a bunch of inside jokes and refs about this all the time like ill fall asleep on call and she’ll go “omg dazai and chuuya from the soulmate au!!”)

just sayin people can shame fic readers/writers all they want but some things i’ve read on ao3 are literally published book quality and they have NO idea what they’re missing out on.

ahh sorry for my rant i just wanted to get this out there :D time to go read the spinoff!!

I'm surprised I'm not completely emotionally wrecked like ??? This has been my life for months as well, I've spent so much time on this it's insane, updating was always my favourite part of the day. I really do hope you like the rest of what I write, as much if not more than the soulmate au, though I don't think I'll ever get better than this tbh 😭

I also think about it a lot, what would I be doing if I hadn't posted the first chapter of this? If I had given up halfway? Genuinely, if it weren't for this fic, and the people I've met through it, I wouldn't be who I am, and I wouldn't be as happy or content as I am. I'd be positively miserable. Genuinely, the little community we've gathered is the best thing ever <3

If you bind this fic I'd love to see how it turns out, though a shrine does seem a little excessive lol 😭😭 but hey if you wanna recommend it I will not complain!!! You're not the only person who this fic has changed- surprisingly, because in my mind it's still the like four sentence idea in my notes app- and I also get it, I'm making references all the time 😔 i saw a tub of strawberries in the store and was jumping around in glee.

I don't think this was quite book quality, but I appreciate the sentiment 😭 I'm so glad you liked this so much, and I hope you like the spin off too <3

[thepolymathexcuse]

For my younger self | Musings

Several days ago, I came across this Instagram reel which showed an imaginary conversation between a child version of the original poster and her 20s self. The dialogue (or should I say, the inner monologue) went on like this:

Adult version: Sorry but we didn't become millionaires in our 20s. Child version: Ok, but can we buy a cake? AV: Ofc, even two. CV: Then what are you crying about?

And then I bawled. I literally cried my eyes out at the thought of my younger self being happier at what I have now. It made me rethink the things I wished I had as a child.

I wished I had more books because I was so fond of reading. Well, guess what? I have more than a hundred unread books piled in boxes. I even lend some of them to friends.

I wished I had my own room, so I could have privacy and a place to organize my own stuff. Earlier this year, we finally had our house re-built from the ground up, and I got my own room. It's a long way to go for it to look like my ideal room, but it currently serves those two purposes.

I wished I had more friends, because I’m just an extrovert. Guess what? We have several friend groups, each with their unique way of showing all kinds of love.

Literally, those are the only three things I dreamed of as a child.

When I was in high school and college, I wished for a laptop of my own. Surprise, surprise, we got it. It’s second-hand, but it does the job. In fact, it does more than what I imagined it would. 

And then there's this lifelong dream of mine: I wished I was a writer.

For the past month, I was going through this course about writing on YouTube. I was dedicating time to furnishing my craft. I once longed for the recognition and award when I was in my late teens because of this acquired belief that achievement is vital for people to like me. But again, I have lots of friends.

We don't talk much because everyone is leading their busy lives, but a lot of them still communicate with me. I don't have awards; I don't even have a job right now. But why do they still talk to me? Why do they continue to treat me as their “friend"? 

This led me to realize-–and this was emphasized so much by some of them—that my achievements have nothing to do with why they liked me. This might sound like bragging, but I'm not: it was more about my personality, my humor, my character, and overall my easy going attitude. Those aren't me all the time. I still can get pretty annoying; go ask them. I ramble a lot, as evidenced by my blog posts. I sometimes fail to appreciate them, and I sometimes fail to reply to their messages.

Strangely enough, they still talk to me. Some of them continually reached out to me when I was in a darker phase of my life. They were the ones who believed and reminded me that I'm capable when I myself did not believe so. I will not go into details because each of them has their reasons for keeping me in their life. 

I was raised in an environment where the only way to gain approval or even the tiniest bit of affection is through the amount of medals you can receive. In turn, this had instilled in me this mindset of always needing to stand out. 

But I don't have to—not anymore.

This particular reel had me in tears because it made me realize what the essence of life really means to me. Having no job right now means a lot of free time, and a lot of those are spent on reflection and journaling. I learned a lot about myself: what drives me, what motivates me, and what goals really matter to me, without the need to please everyone. 

I still have dreams I have yet to fulfill. Like, building my own house because I also value being independent. Or having my own property. Having a master's degree. And having the job that's aligned with my personal vision.

There's still a lot to do, but the most valuable lesson that this resting season has taught me is to just appreciate all the little things. 

I learned how to be content with what I currently have and to use these limited resources in making the most out of my current situation. This perception of contentment has been essential to becoming what I always aspire to be: a happy individual.

I've noticed how I've become more appreciative of the things around me. This joy, this inner sense of gratitude, disappeared when I was too busy trying to earn more because I was filled with the constant urge to have more and be more. It's this weird concept that society (and to be honest, most of social media) continues to put in our minds: that having the next big thing or keeping up with trends will lead to a happy life. But it's not. At least to me (and to some experts in the field of happiness psychology), it certainly holds true. 

A mindset of abundance and completeness—that everything you need in your current situation is already with and within you—works for me better than the delusions of scarcity brought by greed and the constant fear of missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I still aim for a better, more comfortable life, but it’s not just for myself. It's for my parents and for the people that matter to me. 

I'm also not completely optimistic about everything, and I recognize that there are worse things happening in the world right now. But I can't just let that continue to happen. I want to take action in making the world a better place for future generations. But I should stop waiting for the time I have more. I cannot let my limited resources prevent me from doing what I think could help people. Being a better person through continuous learning, which eventually leads to having better and more resources would allow me to reach more people. I have to take control and take action now.

As you have noticed, I ramble a lot, and for some reason, I love to write. I will not be the next Maya Angelou or Pablo Neruda, but I was blessed with a mind that tries to find the connection in everything. And I want my writing to reflect that dream of helping people figure out their life purpose the way that self-learning is helping me figuring out how to live mine.

It's these moments of deep reflection that make me so grateful for what I have right now, and make me wish that other people could potentially hold the same mindset. 

Life may be uneventful right now but here's what I know: my younger version would be smiling from ear-to-ear when he hears that his dreams have now become a part of our reality. We are living the life he once yearned for.

And to me, it's all that matters right now.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for wasting food?

I try to be responsible with my food planning. I don’t buy more perishable food than I need for 2 weeks so it won’t go bad, I recycle my trash, and I plan to use everything I put in my pantry. But I’m not food insecure, and I’m not so Catholic that I need to punish myself for the sin of food waste. If, for example, I drop a slice of carrot on a dirty floor, it goes in the trash and not in my pot. If a dish burns or is otherwise totally inedible, I don’t force myself to eat garbage. I don’t eat expired food. Basically, I don’t see who I’m rescuing by scraping stray grains of rice out of the pot.

My friend Jane (30F) is not like me. She never wastes any food. She keeps a spreadsheet with expiration dates for the ingredients in her pantry and has a monthly meal plan. I’m sure she ran someone’s household when she was alive. But Jane also makes it a point to eat stuff I consider sketchy, like meat that’s fallen on a bloodstained floor or sauces past their expiration date. If it passes the smell check, she’ll eat it. If her dishes turn out wrong, she’ll eat them anyway. Down to the scraps on the plate.

I admire her dedication and work ethic a lot, but I couldn’t adopt her lifestyle. Our jobs are stressful, and I don’t want to spend my limited free time and lifespan on housekeeping or eating stuff I hate for the moral high ground. This wasn’t a problem until we moved in together.

We head separate divisions of our boss’ company, many of which are being systematically raided and destroyed by a group of 5 plucky adventurers. He ordered us to temporarily move into a safehouse to guard a treasure vault while he restructures the company. As a result, Jane and I share the kitchen, storage area, and dungeon. She asked me to write an inventory and monthly meal plan for my stuff, but at the moment I don’t have the spoons. My free time now is spent on leveling up my personal security and looking for more low profile kingdoms to abscond to. I don’t even know if I’ll still be here next month.

I gave Jane a guesstimate of the stuff I brought with me and told her she was free to use anything in the common area, but she wasn’t happy with it. Last night, she was mad because a packet of experimental mint seeds on my side of the storage room fell into the flour we were using to feed the prisoners. One of them mutated into a plant hybrid that ate another one and broke out. They weren’t important work-wise, but she said it was wasteful because they were an emergency food supply. She argued that if I’d catalogued the mint seeds and used them in a timely manner, we could’ve avoided this. I apologized and fixed the dungeon, but she asked me to hunt down the plant hybrid so we can eat it. I’m not eating that, and I don’t want a reputation as the sort of demon that has personal beef with its victims. In fact, I applaud the guy (assuming he maintains his sentience) for his luck.

Jane says that I’m irresponsible and that people like me are the reason the human population and our ecosystem are going to shit. She says I’m TA for only caring about sustainability until it inconveniences me. I care, but it’s not something I prioritize over my life and health. I also think it’s unfair of her to ask me to live by her values. For me, eating mystery meat and scraping stray rice grains out of the pot would be meaningless and performative.

AITA?

[just-promise-me-jm]

Make it right, it's gonna be all right

I'm just going to include this gif at the top because its one of my favorite Jimin gifs from this past year.

I had meant to come back here sooner, but to be honest my life is kind of a mess right now and work has been killing me so I haven't wanted to spend any more time on the computer than I have to during the day. But as we approach enlistment week, I felt like it made sense to come back on here and share some of the feelings I've been trying to process since news of Jimin's enlistment first dropped.

There are a couple of things that I feel like are important to preface before I share the rest of my feelings:

I am not Korean and have never lived in South Korea, so I don't have an intimate understanding of how the enlistment process or military service in South Korea works. I will do my best to just share my feelings and opinions without getting to deeply into things that I don't really have a place to comment on.

Generally speaking, I am a pacifist so I wish that we lived in a world where no one had to serve in the military, voluntarily or involuntarily. I also understand why that isn't always a reality.

I am a woman, so in most cases mandatory military service isn't something that would apply to me and therefore I can't really speak to how this would make me feel if I was in his shoes.

Obviously we knew this day was going to come eventually, especially once Jin had started the enlistment process, but it doesn't make it any easier to sit and think about not having Jimin around for the next 18 or so months. It's a weird set of emotions to process the absence of someone who you don't know personally, but who has been a constant in your life for years. The fact that this comes during December, a month which many people (including myself) find to be a difficult time of year, only makes it harder.

Because a conversation around whether or not the members of BTS should have to serve is basically irrelevant at this point, I'd rather focus on some of the conversations I've seen around whether or not Jimin will "do well" in the military.

Now, some of what I've seen posted is coming from PJMs or other Jimin fans who are concerned with his welfare and whether or not he will be subject to bullying or harassment like some other idols have experienced. I've also seen some really unhinged takes saying he is too "weak" or won't be able to cope due to some imagined mental health issue (obviously this is not coming from anyone who really cares for or supports Jimin). I even saw posts detailing Jimin's martial arts prowess meant to defend him against those accusations.

So let me be real for a sec - I think Jimin is one of the most dedicated and hard working people I have ever come across and I'm including people I know IRL in that calculation. That isn't just about his martial arts background (even though he could definitely kick some ass if he wanted to), how many hours he spent on his own practicing his singing and dancing leading up to and after his debut, the amount of work he put into FACE, or even how grueling the life of an idol can be. I think it comes down to the type of person he is at a fundamental level - no one can keep up that level of effort on an ongoing basis unless it's hardwired into them. Ultimately, this is what I think will help Jimin to survive and even thrive during his service.

Beyond all that, seeing how well Jin and Hobi seem to have done during their service so far also gives me a lot of comfort. Knowing that Jimin and JK will be stationed with Jin for the next few months gives me hope that he can show them the ropes and help them get settled in. Having those familiar faces will have to make things easier, especially in the beginning.

Even though I'm sure Jimin will be fine, I am wondering what the best way to cope with all of this will be. It feels a little weird to be worried about his fans in a situation like this but at the same time I know I'm not the only one who cares deeply for him and will be impacted by this situation. I think my game plan right now is to light a candle that day for Jimin and send out some positive vibes for his happiness and a safe return, but if anyone has some good suggestions please share.

I probably won't be able to be super active on here until after the holidays are over, but if I think of anything slightly interesting to share I will try and post that when I can. I've also been thinking of what I might want to do in the new year to continue to celebrate Jimin until he comes back. I was considering doing some posts discussing some of my favorite songs or music videos of his, but would be open to suggestions if there is anything you would like to hear my thoughts on. I'm also happy to be here to listen if you need someone to chat with about missing Jimin.

Hope wherever you are you are having a good morning/day/evening/night 💗.

[tokidokitokyo]

Photo by Victoriano Izquierdo on Unsplash

2024年7月31日

This month I've been thinking a lot about study habits. I've been looking at "how to study" and thinking about study habits that work for me and those that don't. I have the basics down, and what I mean by that is that I Japanese study daily, no matter what (unless something crazy happens, of course). But I always want to improve my study habits. I want to work smarter, not harder. I want to maximize the small amount of time I have for studying. So this month, I'll take a quick look at my study habits in general.

See this post for study habit tips!

今月よく学習習慣について考えています。徳に一番良い日本語を勉強する方法とか、自分に合うか合わない学習習慣について考えています。毎日少しでも日本語の勉強をしとく。何かが起こったら、たまに勉強しない日もあるだろうが、普通に毎日勉強します。しかしもっといい勉強する方法をずっと探しています。時間があまりないので時間を大事に使って勉強したいと思って、懸命にではなく賢く働きたいと思います。そして今月のまとめは自分の一般的な学習習慣について書こうと思います。

July Progress

I spent a lot of time Reading in July, and less time on Vocabulary and Kanji. However, vocabulary and kanji practice go along with reading, so although I didn't mark it as such, there was more vocabulary and kanji practice than it seems.

In terms of study habits, I continued my small study habits throughout the month. I was able to study at least for 10 minutes every day, and sometimes more than than that. I just want to briefly discuss what study habits I found useful (and maybe some that didn't work for me).

Vocabulary & Kanji

Usually I study vocab & kanji as a set, so I group them together a lot. Writing kanji out is the best way that I learn new kanji, but I don't have a lot of time to sit down with a notebook or workbook and practice kanji. So often I will look at the radicals and try to break down a kanji into its parts in my head. Thinking about the kanji this way also helps me to retain the meaning and how it should be written (though I'd be hard pressed to write most kanji by hand, I can at least identify them on a keyboard). I've also found the Kanji Garden and Ringotan apps to be useful for quick kanji study.

For vocabulary, I try to use the word in a sentence. I look up the meaning, find an example sentence, and try to run through it in my mind. Often I will make a post about a vocab word I come across, so when you see my vocab posts they often come from reading or from conversations or something I've watched.

Grammar

Grammar for me takes a lot of time. I can't use flashcards or anything like that; I have to sit down with a textbook and go through the examples. Often times I don't have time to thoroughly master grammar in one sitting, so I do a lot of review. I use resources separated by JLPT level, so I sometimes pull from my N3 resources and sometimes from my N2 resources.

Listening & Speaking

Often listening and speaking go together, because I have a lot of conversations in Japanese. I also do a lot of listening that involves podcasts, TV, etc. and this involves little speaking, but I'm going to group these together. Listening is best done actively, although sometimes I put something on and tune out. But I never recollect what I heard, so I need to be concentrating to really benefit from listening.

For speaking, I try to mimic other people's speech patterns, especially those I'd like to emulate, such as mom friends from the Japanese preschool. I certainly emulate my husband often, although this is unconscious. In the past I have spoken to my pets and myself for speaking practice, trying to practice making sentences on the fly. This works well as I am usually an avid listener of myself.

Reading

When I read in any language, I prefer to have long chunks of time to dedicate to my reading. However, as that is not usually possible in my daily life, I usually set aside some time just before bed to read. Instead of trying to meet a time or page requirement, I put in the amount of reading that I can, and try to enjoy it rather than having it be a chore.

I also try to pick things to read that I enjoy. I've tried reading many things, but if I don't enjoy reading something I find it a real struggle to get through. So if I don't vibe with something, I skip it. Life is too short, etc. When I don't want to get into anything serious I will just read a manga, and sometimes even that is too much for my brain so I will just not read if I'm not in the mood.

Writing

I always find it difficult to know what to write about. I've tried prompts, stream of consciousness writing, and things like that, but I still struggle for topics. Sometimes just writing works, and sometimes it doesn't. I don't write on any consistent basis, and I don't usually have people correct me, but when I get inspired I go on HelloTalk and write something and check in later for corrections.

So, the TLDR version for July is that you should try to find what works for you and stick with it, and if you don't like doing something, stop doing it immediately ^.^ It will make learning less of a chore and less of a struggle and more of a fun thing. What fun habits do you have for language learning?

つまり、好きな勉強し方をすればいいと思います。そして嫌だったら直ぐ辞めた方がいいと思います。(^.^) そうすれば、勉強はつまらないことじゃなくて、楽しいことになるはずです。皆さんの楽しい勉強の習慣は何でしょうか？