#I have nothing against dog kings /srs

[ebony-pupcat]

I hate collars, I hate soft chew toys, I hate head pats. I’m a wild animal. I smash bones in between my teeth and flesh catches in between my claws. I reject humanity, I reject domestication. Don’t lay your fucking hands on me or I’ll rip you apart. I am not a big dog. I am a wolf.

[engaged19times]

RHONJ Recrap - season 11, ep 1 - C U Next Tuesday!

Greetings fellow prostitution whores and welcome to my new weekly recrap of American institution The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Before I jump in I’ll introduce myself by saying that I’m a housewives super fan (I even watched DC, an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst sister-in-law), an underemployed comedy writer (I can’t define “napalm” either, Lauren Manzo), and nothing makes me happier than to watch 6 bedazzled hypocrites in Cheesecake Factory mansions argue etiquette and loyalty between physical altercations in the world renowned cultural hub of Paterson, New Jersey. I know essay recaps are a bit of a relic but I am fond of ye olde written word so please enjoy this blast from the past, you scumbags!

We open without fanfare mid-scene to red-eyed Jackie and dead-eyed Teresa sitting in Margaret’s partially finished, wallpaper smothered home. We get the Bad Girls Club black-and-white flashes but unlike in Beverly Hills we’re not flashing to “three months earlier” but instead to “three days earlier.” It might take women of less gumption precious time to build to a production-halting confrontation but it only takes these agents of chaos half a week to get the meatball rolling.

Let’s back up a little to the ominous “three days prior” and catch up with our hot girls. It’s Jackie’s giant hot husband’s 46th birthday so she’s throwing him a party under a tent in the parking lot of a Greek restaurant. We learn that Teresa and Joe’s father has sadly passed in the offseason and Dolores Thee Stallion and Margaret have both had full cosmetic overhauls - Dolores with a second butt enhancement that left her with a giant hip scar rivaled only by Sally from Nightmare before Christmas and Margaret with a boob lift and apparent nipple sharpening (is that a procedure?) that she advertises in a blush silk top with no bra. Never one to be outdone at a parking lot birthday party, Joe Gorga arrives with his storyline - I mean wife, Melissa - also smuggling raisins under a skin tight children’s white T-shirt. Nipples are trending, ladies!

The Nightmare Before Christmas.

A beautiful boob lift.

Tarzan’s headlights.

Margaret’s hot employee Lexi and Teresa’s hot realtor Michelle (both of whom are official friends-of this year), as well as iconic social wrecking ball and Aydin Center for Plastic Surgery mascot Jennifer all saunter in for car park cocktails at this 3D nipple fashion show and as the night devolves we see the cast getting truly shit-housed on shots when out of nowhere storyline sniper Teresa drops the bomb that she heard sexy birthday Bigfoot Evan is cheating on Jackie... more specifically, that he “does stuff” at the gym but mysteriously can’t remember any details or where she heard this head-scratching accusation that draws as many gasps as it does “huhs?” Honest straight people question: do y’all hook up at gyms? And if so, where? Are there co-ed saunas now? Also can one of you explain the allure of Mike and Molly to me? Moving on. Most shocking was that the Perez Hilton of North Jersey doesn’t just drop this wild accusation once, she gleefully skips through this asphalt soiree like a goddamn town crier, addressing everyone she passes like Belle through the town square.

The next day the hard partying crew of Jersey Shore: All Grown Up recovers from their throbbing hangovers and we see cool mom Melissa traipsing through her particle board mausoleum in see-through sweatpants with a visible thong in front of her kids’ friends (you girls keep me young!), Marge Sr. driving a blue Mini Cooper with eyelashes on the headlights (which I assume are like the spinning rims of the Jersey Grandma community), and a flashback of Margaret’s Joe puking next to a tree (relatable, my dude).

Marge Sr.: Fully Loaded.

You girls keep me young!

Over at Jennifer’s palatial child farm we learn that her parents fight so much these days that she moved her father (Carl from Up!) to her multi-generational compound which has only angered her mother more.

Jennifer’s sweet dad.

We then find out Dolores’s dry boyfriend David with whom she shares the burning passion of a melting ice sculpture now lives with her bulging slab of a son Frankie Jr. in the house he and Delores built together but Dolores curiously still lives with her also bulging but slightly slimey ex Frank Sr. in her original house, a near Braunwyn-level web of over-explained but still vague relationship fuckery of which none of them seem on the same page. Dolores hid her surgery from David until the day before, David still works constantly so she hangs out with her ex all the time, and I can’t help but think that we aren’t getting the full story on whatever the fuck is happening under these two roofs. Are they brother-husbands? Is Frank Sr. piping both of them? Can Frankie Jr. DM me his nudes please? The only one being straight-forward in these duel households of confusion is Dolores’s dog who is simply named Dog and I honestly appreciate his refreshing transparency.

Dog Catania, king of transparency.

Finally, Jackie calls Teresa to organize an infamous Jersey sit-down because she somehow got wind of the out-of-thin-air accusations that Teresa all but presented with a bull horn and a PowerPoint at Evan’s parking lot social. They decide to meet at Margaret’s partially constructed house/ wallpaper showroom because it’s neutral territory to hash things out in a relaxing landscape of ladders and contrasting patterns and the tension is so thick you could cut it with one of Margaret’s newly renovated nipples.

Jackie pleads with Tre to clear her husband’s good name and Tre enters a baffling Kelly-Anne Conway bullshit loop which includes such hits as “woman to woman, if I heard this you wouldn’t want me to tell you?” (a reasonable point which is actually working against Teresa because it’s the opposite of what she did), then explaining to Margaret the immediately contradictory “I didn’t tell her and it’s not like I told Evan, I told my friends” (which is an explanation of what she obviously did wrong but said in the tone of a defense), the wacky last ditch nonsense deflection “Alright let me tell you the reason why I did it. This year, now, you know I’m single now. I’ve been approached by a lot of married men that think that it’s OK to have affairs,” and finally just saying fuck it and rewriting history “I did not spread a rumor, I heard a rumor.”

The truth is that Teresa was retaliating for a cheating rumor Jackie entertained about her last year but neither can be held to such unreasonable expectations like addressing reality or admitting fault which is actually ideal because if I cared to see emotionally mature community leaders converse thoughtfully I’d watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday not this unhinged turnpike circus.

Jackie’s rival won’t budge so she chooses the nuclear option, looks the reigning matriarch of Paterson in her vacant eyes, and declares confidently “I heard Gia snorts coke in the bathroom at parties” which stopped time on Earth as far as I’m concerned. Is this wild accusation true? Probably not. Was this retaliatory tit equal to the offending tat? Debatable. Do I blame Teresa for immediately whipping into a tailspin and storming out screaming the C-word (no Kathy Wakile, not “canoli kit”) at Jackie no less than 80 times? Girl, no I do not. Jackie has since clarified (backtracked?) that this was an analogy not a rumor she heard which... OK, and whether or not either of the atomic bombs dropped in this breakneck premiere were true, I’m excited to watch our Paterson superstars battle it out for another batshit season!

Esteemed poet laureat of Paterson, NJ.

Join me and my own rock hard nipples next week to recrap a girls trip to Lake George, more developments in the case of Jackie vs Teresa: Jersey Crime Story, and hopefully another cameo by breakout superstar Dog Catania! Please share this recrap with the prostitution whores in your life if you enjoy and follow me on Tumblr (engaged19times), Insta (@engagednineteentimes), and Twitter (@_engaged19times)! I’m recrapping weekly but I don’t get screeners (yet) and it takes me a few days to catch up so please be patient!

XO engaged19times

[naferty]

stevetony fic recs!!!! please!!!!!

Oh no there's just so many to choose from!! So many wonderful stony fics from so many wonderful authors. This is hard. Don't do this to me 😭😭

I hope you enjoy these just as much as I do!! 

(topTony and bottomSteve are also included)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Lies Inside by Penumbren

     When the Avengers discover Captain America in the Arctic sea, they find more than just a new team member: Tony Stark discovers his fated mate. The problem is, Steve Rogers is a man out of his own time and apparently straight, and Tony's not about to force anything on the man he loves--even if it means his own death. Besides, Tony's spent his entire life keeping secrets. How can he possibly tell Steve that he's really Iron Man, let alone a werewolf?

Birds of a Feather by LoquitorLatinae 

     Tony only ever wanted to be an Alpha with bright feathers, a huge wingspan, and attitude. But he was an Omega, and while he still has the attitude, his lot in life as dictated by society leaves a lot to be desired. But he was Tony Stark, and he wasn’t going to let anything get in his way—though he wouldn’t necessarily be against the company of a certain Alpha Capsicle.

Killing Monsters in the Rain by snoozingkitten

     Tony is a werewolf in name only, he’s also a genius and a playboy and the Lord of the house of Stark. When he’s forcibly reminded of his heritage by a crash landing in the East River Forest things go a bit differently than he’d expect. Fantasy AU

Man Out of Time by samptra

     Closing dark eyes he tried to center his wildly gyrating thoughts. “This isn’t happening this isn’t real…” he wacked his head a few more times, “I did not go through a weird tear in the air again. There was no crazy terreract driven machine…and I defiantly did not go back in time.” This was all some sort of dream he was having a nightmare one that he’d awake from in his bed, in Avengers Tower, in the year 2013.

That Has Such People by samptra

     Captain Tony Stark has found himself in a strange time and place. Billionaire, genius Steve Rogers has no idea what to do with a man from the past. Together perhaps they can teach each other a little about the past and future.

Dulce et Decorum est by samptra

     Badly wounded in Afghanistan Lieutenant Tony Stark had been deemed unfit for combat. His life now stretching before him a bleakly; a company he wants nothing to do with, a legacy he can barely tolerate, and a life he never wanted. Until he’s given the chance to be something he never imagined; a superhero.

Thumb, Index, and Pinky Extended by Eudoxia

     Tony Stark is twenty-one when he loses his voice. It shouldn't matter, but in a world where the first words your Soulmate says to you are marked on your skin, it can be pretty damn annoying.

Living In The Future by Closer

     Eighteen-year-old Tony Stark is the boy genius who woke Captain America, and now he's stuck with him. That's not a bad thing, but between Steve's wide-eyed wonder at the new world and Tony's little fanboy crush, the awkwardness just keeps happening.

Engaging the Enemy by tsukinofaerii

     Iron Man is one of the more persistent villains that the Ultimates face, with a special fondness for one Captain America. As Steve starts to findout more and more about him, the lines between hero and villain begin to blur. Sometimes, you don't have to be on the right side of the law to be in the right.

The Tower of Yesterday by manic_intent

     Tony is the WWII hero waking up in the future. Iron Man Noir.

Got the Cream by YourFavoriteRobot

      Steve is coasting through life after leaving the army without making any real connections to anyone around him. Until a mischievous deity turns Steve's only friend, his cat Tony, into a human being.

Tony Stark and the Sentinel of Liberty: A Marvels Adventure by Sineala

     When Project Rebirth fails, leaving the super-soldier serum inert in his veins, Steve Rogers is forced to bid goodbye to his dream of defending his country -- at least, in the way he'd always envisioned it. But his prospects in that regard aren't entirely bleak: he takes a job as chronicler for Tony Stark, the former Marvels adventurer who now serves his country in his typical unorthodox style, hunting down mystical relics before the Nazis can find them. At Tony's side in the jungles of Peru, Steve discovers that the serum works after all -- but it works in ways he could never have imagined.

Not This Omega by Annehiggins

     With Stane dead, Tony has to find a mate or lose controlling interest in his company, so it's time to throw an omega ball. Tony has a plan, but doesn't count on the drug in his drink. Now he's stuck with a mate who doesn't seem all that into him. Based on this prompt in the avengerkink meme. Set it a world where no one, not even Pepper, knows Tony is Iron Man and the events of Iron Man 2 never happened.

Unknown Caller (do not engage) by gottalovev

     Steve had one job: exchange a couple of texts with a guy who thought he had Natasha's number, and let him down gently. It ends up being a lot more complicated than that.

A Little Too Not Over You by jay_girl88

     "Steve had experienced torture before. This was a cruel and unusual form of it."

Sometimes, you can't see what's right in front of you until it isn't there anymore.

Colour Me In Love by starksnack

     [5:12 AM] Hey so I know you modeled for me like two years ago, but I really liked the work we did and was wondering if we could get together for coffee and talk about your possible participation in my upcoming project. Please let me know when you’re available. - SR

Tony models for Steve.

Basically two idiots in love.

Parabol Series by chaoticcollectorchaos_me

     When a dead body is discovered, the Avengers become murder suspects.

Rockabye Verse by BladeoftheNebula

     Cute alphas didn’t appear out of nowhere to help ruined omegas. That was a widely accepted fact.

Tony Stark had always known his life wouldn’t be easy as a genius omega in an alpha’s world. But not even he predicted getting knocked up and forced to move to a small town in the middle of nowhere.

A Gentleman's Guide to Centaurs by BladeoftheNebula

     All of Marvyl is a-twitter when Captain Rogers comes to town and takes up residence at Brooklyn Hall.

A single alpha in possession of a large fortune is an interesting prospect for any unmarried omega - especially when he has hooves.

You Have Me by ShesLikeTexas

     Tony Stark is a twenty year old college student trying to get by after being cut off by his father. Enter: Art student Steve Rogers, otherwise known as "The Captain," one of the most powerful crime bosses in New York.

Home by Saber_Wing

     Desperately, he reached back and grasped for the carving knives on the block behind him, because damned if he was going down without a fight. Then the bilgesnipe's razor sharp teeth clamped down harder on Tony's leg, and this time, he heard something crack. All rational thought fled with it.

Tony's vision went white. He thought he might have screamed, but he couldn't be sure.

Oh god, it hurt. Fuck, fuck, fuck-

Thor really should learn to keep Bilgey in his room.

The Red String by masterlokisev159

     As Prince Anthony stands by the window and watches his kingdom burn, he can only hope and pray that the barbarians will be kind. After all, what good would it do to have more bloodshed after so many lives have been lost?

It is inevitable though. Whether he likes it or not, he is the prince, the son of the cruel and powerful King Howard. And princes such as he do not last long once their kingdom has been claimed.

Tony knows these will be his final hours. He knows the barbarian leader is coming for him.

He just prays it will be a quick and painless death.

Sweet on You by MiniRaven

     It’s the 1940’s and Tony is working as a Donut Doll for the Red Cross. His job is to go around to various military bases and offer comfort food and conversation to homesick soldiers. He’s come to expect a lot of things in this job, but he doesn’t expect to fall in love with Captain America, the hottest most awkward soldier Tony has ever met.

Clan (of the Stranger and the Outcast) by greymantledlady

     The Stranger holds out his huge hand towards Tony, palm outwards and upwards.

Tony watches him warily, baring his teeth a little, not yet a snarl but a warning. But the Stranger simply holds his hand there, waiting, waiting; and his knife is lying on the ground between them, and there is no threat in the lines of his body.

Tony lets out a little breath he’s been holding. And he’s trembling, but he slowly reaches his own hand out, tentative and uncertain, and brushes the fingertips against the Stranger’s calloused palm. And the Stranger smiles a little, his eyes soft, and wraps his fingers around Tony’s.

The Long Way Back (To You) by Pearl_Unplanned

     After mouthing off to the wrong God of Mischief, Steve and Tony find themselves stuck as a cat and mouse, respectively. Either they work together to get home without being picked off by one of the many everyday dangers like stray dogs, cars, rat poison and each other, or they die trying. And maybe they can just come to terms with how they really feel towards one another.

The Future is Now by Pearl_Unplanned

     After a villain's failed 'time machine' is used on Tony and Steve, it leaves them both far older than anyone had been expecting. Tony, unsurprisingly, is having trouble coping with it, especially since there's a chance it might be permanent. Steve, on the other hand, tries to make the best of the situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have plenty more but I think this is a good list. Enjoy!

[ultraklll]

Tony Miller as a Gun For Hire! Tagged by the lovely @envyfelled ! Ty! This was super fun! Also, I'm on mobile, so sorry for the garbo formatting! (Fun fact, tonys voice claim is laura bailey as fiona/fem!boss)

Paired With Fangs For Hire:

Boomer - "Heya buddy!" followed by excessive scratching behind the ears | "Fuckin' love this dog, can sniff out a peggie like shark sniffing out blood. Good trait to have! Awfully convenient too…" | [patpatapatptpataptap] | "Atta fuckin' boy Boomer!" When she sees him get a kill | "Who's a good boy! Who wants to kill some cultists!" | "Wanna play fetch? Rip out their necks?"

Peaches - "Good girl…" | stealth gang stealth gang | peaches: mows down peggies/tony: a baby!" | "I jus' think it's funny that when we went to the Henbane, we picked up a cougar, Addie, an actual cougar, Peaches, and joined a crew called the Cougars… Just'a thought," 

Cheeseburger - "This reminds me'a Vegas pride, saw plenty'a bears there too" | "Kinda ironic to find you in Jacob's region, all things considered," [snickers to herself] | [PATPATPATPATPATPAT] | "Get outta my pockets! These snacks are mine, not yours!" | "You remind me of those like, beware of dog signs, but the dog is always a sweetheart who'd rather play with a home invader rather than attack them," 

Paired With Other Guns For Hire:

Jess - stealth gang stealth gang stealth gang | Jess has a MASSIVE crush on Tony. Everyone can tell. Tony knows | jess: guns are fucking lame and the sniper rifle is the cowards weapon/ tony: uses a sniper rifle/ jess: actually sniper rifles are cool as fuck | "Good shot Jess!" "S-shit, um, thanks, Tony," 

Grace - sniper gang sniper gang!! | [steals a headshot Grace was lining up] "Cmon Gracie, thought you were meant to be Olympic level!" | highly competitive, do a shot whenever they get a perfect headshot to die instantly | smug top solidarity | also heavily depressed solidarity 

Adelaide - [acts like she's not sleeping with her nephew even tho Addie knows she definitely knows] | Tony is either constantly laughing or constantly face palming over the shit addie says | have gotten into an argument once bc addie said john was a top 

Nick - "What's up eye in the sky?" | [flirts over radio] [flirts over radio] [flirts over radio] [fli | Nick: speaks/Tony: god I just love the way you fucking talk | often talk about kim together | "Can we have a barbecue at your place once these fuckers are dealt with?" | [pretends not to be bitter the Deputy got to help deliver Carmina and not her]

Sharky - "Heya baby!" | [constant back and forth flirting. It's embarrassing] | any second they're both not talking is a second they're making out | Can and Will go john wick on some peggy ass if he gets hurt badly | "Do you wanna have a sleepover?" "Lemme ask my momma," | she calls him Charlie :> | loves him so so much they're just constantly talking about anything and everything | literally like A Comedic Duo. Have together for certified funnies

Hurk jr. - "Junior! This'll be just like Kyrat!" | competitions about who can shotgun a beer faster every 4 seconds | WILL tell you stories about their time in Kyrat together | Tony has punched Drubman sr in the nose before and she'll do it again | "Hey Tony? You still in contact with Ajay?" "He sends me a royal postcard every now n' then. Apparently it's boring being king, and his only solace is that his new bodyguard is cute," 

In Combat: 

Seeing an enemy - "Fucker in my sights," | "I got a bullet with your name on it… actually I don't, who the fuck has time to carve names in bullets, but you get the idea- im just gonna shoot you now" | "You're dead on arrival, shithead," 

Sneaking - "You'd think me sneaking is counter productive because I'm 6'4 and have a very loud gun, but you're the boss Dep," | "Shhhh… we're huntin' shitheads… Heard it in a game," | [shoots alarm boxes] "You ain't allowed to call your friends, you're all grounded," | *peggy triggers alarm* "Fuckin snitch!" 

Killing an enemy - "SKULLCRACKER!" | "I just don't miss!" | just fucking headshot after headshot after headshot | [sucks in breath through teeth] "God damn I'm good," | when shes not using her Wifle (wife rifle, a 45/70) she's being FUCKING EFFICIENT with her ak-ms or just blasting ribcages open with her shotgun

Reviving - "Up you get, baby," | "You ain't dying on me that easy, Dep" | "Not today Satan!" | "You gonna let some unwashed asshole kill you?" 

Hurt - "Motherfucker!" | "That's another scar I'll tattoo over," | "Thank god people find scars sexy," | "God fuck that's smarts!" 

Downed - "Dep! Give me a hand?" | "Clean up on Aisle 4 needed!" | "Don't worry about me, just bleeding out over here, no rush," 

Revived - "Drinks on me when this is over Dep," | "Thanks babe!" | "I'll kiss you when we get outta this mess," | "I owe ya!"

Driving: 

Entering a vehicle - "Lemme take over I'm a way better driver than you," | "Floor it!" | "Hang on I've got a mixtape, just hope I havent fuckin' crushed it," | [takes the opportunity to roll cigs] | *peggies roll up* "Keep her steady!" [leans out the window and headshots the peggie on their ass, causing them to crash the car, like that isnt the coolest shit you've ever seen] "Aight cool,"

Reckless Driving - "Watch the fuckin' road asshole!" | [desperately tryna grip the wheel so she can take over driving] | "STOP THE CAR! I'LL JUST FUCKING WALK!" | "Are you tryna kill us?! Fuckin' swap seats now!" | tony is the designated driver bc one she's fucking good at it and two shes also a really bad backseat driver. Just let her drive 

Changing Radio Stations - "Now don't tell Charlie I said this but some of the peggies music is actually good,"| "John's a prick but his music taste is fuckin' good," | [punches radio in when Only You comes on] "...Sorry… Force'a habit…" | "Bold and brave my ass, John looks like he needs help getting spiders out of rooms and wears fuzzy pink bathrobes," 

Idle: 

"Man, John's a freak, and yeah I mean that in the sexy way. Someone who demands so much outward control whilst being a shithead little brat likes to get trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey and stuffed like one too. Don't give me that look Dep, I'm right and we both know it," 

"That dude Jacob ate was called Miller?? God, that could've been me if I was much older and way uglier!" 

"Faith just makes me fuckin sad man. She's been manipulated and groomed into this life by fuckin Joseph- she's so goddamn young too. I'm not gonna tell you what to do Dep, but that's just my two cents,"

"Joseph's the worst kind of man- a manipulator. He tells you what you wanna hear, targets the misfortunate who have nothing left to lose, builds a fucking army out of em. The other heralds I'm ok with arresting, but Joseph's got to go,"

[Lights cig with either her fancy lighter or by striking a match on the bottom of her shoe] "Don't start smoking, Dep,  bad for your health," 

Location Specific: 

Testy Festy Aftermath - [pinches bridge of nose] "Not again…" | "Anyone got a water and like, 3 aspirin?" | "Ain't the first time I've woke up passed out in a field, won't be the last," | "Did we at least get a photo from the night? I've won the competitions here for the last 3 years in a row now, I'm not fuckin missing one cuz of these peggies," 

Falls End - "Fuckin shame to see Falls End like this, but Mary May and Jerome will take good care of her now weve got it back, they always do," | "Think we'll get free drinks for life at the Spread Eagle when this is all over? Actually, we probably won't even get free drinks for week, so for life is wishful thinking," | she enjoys playing with the singing fish on the front of the speed eagle and keeps tryna convince Mary May to let her take it for herself bc tony goddamn miller has the biggest singing fish collection in the entire county 

Seed Ranch - *loud whistle* "this place is swanky as fuuuuck… Not that big a fan of all the dead animals though…" | "IS THAT WEED ON THE TABLE? Johnny boy you fuckin' hypocrite!" | "Oh he's definitely got a secret room behind one of these bookshelves, like a home torture room? Oh my God, what if he has more than one...?" [starts frantically pulling books off shelves] | regarding his shelves with peggie memorabilia [takes baseball bat to it] | [pretends she's never been here as she frantically stuffs any of her own belongings she might've forgotten here into her bag]

Entering the Henbane - "Don't trust a goddamn thing you see here. You think you see something you're not supposed to, hit it," | [swinging at bliss induced angel/animal/faith visions] | "Can we try savin' Faith? Don't feel right killin' her, she's so young…" | "Can we go to Sharky's place? I left some stuff there that could be worth picking up,"

Hope County Jail - "Sheriff Whitehorse has always been a good man to me, Dep. Would appreciate it if he lived through this," | "I always feel like a giant whenever I come here, everyones like 5'3. Virgil, Tracey, Charles, all shortasses," | "I think it's cute they gave you a little pin! You're part of their Pride now! Or whatever the cougar equivalent is to a lions pride… do Cougars even travel in packs? Aside from when Addie used take the girls out for drinks,"

Entering the Whitetails - "Always feels like something's watchin' you in these woods. Keep your eyes peeled," | "Always felt like there's something in these woods that there ain't supposed to be…" | [Shifting from foot to foot] "Can we get a move on? Aint'a big fan of standing around waitin' to get shot by some fuckin' sniper with a bow," | [watching Jacob's video punishing Pratt] "I'll fuckin' get you outta here, Stace… you just gotta hold out a second longer," | [about all the dead bodies and 'you are meat' graffiti] "Love what Jacob's done with the place," 

The Wolfs Den - "Eli Palmer is a good fuckin man. Kind, smart, careful and ruthless against peggies. We've made a good friend here, Dep," | "Heya Wheaty! Got a few more vinyls for your collection! They're all my own though, so be careful with em," | "I don't think Tammy likes you that much Dep. I don't think she likes much of anything anymore, other than attaching jumper cables to Peggy's nipples… Oh god, my piercings hurt thinking about it," 

Joseph's Island - [hand firmly on rifle grip] | "Creepy, evil motherfucker, had him pegged right from the start. Well, not pegged. I'm not pegging Joseph. I'd rather stick my dick in a ceiling fan then go anywhere near him- I'm just gonna stop talking," | "You know what? No one else has asked it so I'm gonna- where the fuck does Joseph sleep.  In the church? In one of these houses? In the dirt somewhere? What if he hangs upside down from trees like a bat?" 

[blaze8403]

Terry the Terror like Vlad the Impaler may I help you like no TRAIT or TRAITOR like Arab Trapt and Arab Rhap like Intrumentals and explosive what you Trap now we have Licences to do the it's fireworks and explosive like demolition tactics or demolition man theory maybe a wax is on and wax is off and one day A From Paris with Love Theory but on another note past Karate Kid qoutes and who or what whom wrote like hitting a wide receiver open touchdown entrance in eastern time 76east to 49west and 13=4D Maybe A war crime veteran I pinned nothing on but hey Trevor Dossier oss next to homeland vehicle of friend who's on my Campus and Turf like yes Turn away from A Turf war you want Terry Going GTA Saints row on you like what he do one Grand theft Auto commit Grand theft Auto no mam he commandeer the vehicle and decease people man response oh that kind we like does he commandeer the vehicle know he walk to a lot to and find people decease no man sometimes he get the jet pack and go on the roof and shot the police too no mam he wait for the Helicopter to come and Blows it out the Sky with An RPG not Videogame A RPG weapons system yes man they may have sent the military after him before like He would get in the Tank and go blow Sh*t Back yes we administered cheat codes to teach lessons some times for fun just summon and Attack Helicopter or Harrier Jet What he do then Target thuff or Land on the Military base but it's never any personal like but this simulation to him mam response it not Videogame it's simulation time so he can do that in actuality yes basically so watch how they love me more like Amore past par 4 Par 4 coming soon and hello Russian Prison Association also like eight retirements and under 37 some things I am to young to retire from but well active or inactive spell War like Wrong or Right not Weight or Wright maybe just me being Bright Like G in God Right not its against our religion to fight it's not to go to War but War is Wrong and Right like Raw or Raw Bar not Monday night raw my cyber security not cyber Sunday but past the Art of War sun Tsu or Tzu and not Texas State U sex is Gender Taxes you compensate to the King but yes Trait Genetic Trait maybe Trapt Head strong or Drowning Pool and Let the Bodies hit the floor Let the Bodies hit the floor Let the Bodies hit the floor One nothing wrong me two nothing me three nothing wrong with me four nothing wrong with me what grown with you noow put the bodies in the morgue let the the bodies hit the floor send the bodies to the morgue like The one soundtrack or Theory spell Track but Magick like the K11 on it and Love is but A number waiting to be discovered as to say Even Don may respond to this one like Kami or Megami God begin with K not funny any more Home or Rome like Bombaeuin Bombaeos Cars and Wars like Sr or SR and JR. and letters A to Z 1 to 26 Gott or Gottin not To Gotti but Go or God like spell dog talking truthfully intelligent Dio like I do or do eye like dojutus or just us may be in God we trust on Legal Tender Federal Reserve Notes C3 China K11 Korea M O N E Y and Y Chromosome M= Male one is letter A like May Yenom like men and women and as to why I am writing this like Tasty Foods hits Israel and Throughout Nasty and Tasty like the N or the T that gets you Tasty International and Y or X Chromosome past Google Chrome but yes this is more so one who would go under cover in Terrorist cell and well be faced with serious choice well you name one Terrorist Intelligence Agent that never bomb something with probable cause and reason to show awarely he is Terrorist Intelligent like Treu I will bomb you and its not Terror its an Act of God upon like Team Zero lead by Peros Dragonus Trio 2020 like Z letter 26 or Chromosome 26 like not 33 or 33rd and Dr doctor not drive but red light yellow light green light cars explode buildings can blow like blow a kiss of Motor cycle through the window gone like the Trevor Dossier

Lesson plan B Bravo Two Ni

Ni or In ?

[sentimental-bottlesnake]

I’ll edit links for previous chapters later but you know how Tumblr feelse about links but they’re all in the zs tag

Set in a fantasy world of the semi socialist society Fey Alliance with magic, dick head dragon riders, benevolent necromancers, and even bigger dick head gods of mischief. The Zealous Servant is the story about a guy named Spayar who, has to keep his crown prince of a bff from being murdered by his entire family by murdering them first. Though Spayar just wants to take a nap and find a cute boy to kiss and not have to worry about his corpse potentially being dragged through the street after a war. Better win that shit then.

I will only ping this particular list once and if you want to be pinged for future posts a like or reblog will get you on the next pinglist. Reblogs (especially with a dumb comment but not required) are way more appreciated as it allows other people to see the work

@deadpool-scar-bro @starry-ampelope @golden-lionsnake @massdestructionn @frxemriss

Finally y’all get to meet Diylan, the last pretty major character of the story. He doesn’t have a super lot to do right now but in future things he is SUPER important. Also he’s basically the boy version of Tassa: a real slut and I fucking love him

It was pouring out. Not exactly surprising. Spayar had his rain coat hanging on the back of a chair just outside the family shrine. In the Alliance most Feylon went to temples to pray. Spayar was the first born of immigrants and hadn't been raised the same way. He knew the process of going to a temple and leaving offerings for all the gods, like he'd taken his siblings to yesterday but it wasn't how he worshipped, not how he'd been taught by his parents.

In Dirin everyone had a patron god that chose them at a young age. Sometimes in a dream or in an event in their life. While free worship of the other gods awas encouraged most Dirinians primarily worshipped only their patron god. They kept shrines to their gods in their homes. He had older aunties and uncles from Dirin who had their gods tattood or branded onto their bodies as a form of constant worship. 

The family shrine had six statues, one for each of the children, and one for their parents, in an elaborate alcove his father had added onto the house when Spayar was small, when Calli was but an infant and Spayar was just starting to really talk. He'd built it around the same time they both stopped talking in Dirnine exclusively around him so he'd learn Feylian better and without their accent. The shrine was a gilt table covered in Dirin motifs: palms, hyenas, crocodile, and great sand dunes that cupped the western part of the country. A sphinx sat with raised wings in the backdrop. The statues of the gods were arranged by size with the largest being Spayar's and his parents and then his siblings’ being smaller.

Relora’s goddess had one eye in the middle of her forehead and was shrouded in veils that concealed most of her body. Her name was Dehvonokoz, she was a seer, a counterpart to the Feylon Belldha. Spayar Sr.’s statue belonged to the god Enko, the god of fire and willfulness. He leaned against a long spear, balanced on one leg, the other foot resting on the calf of the standing one. Enko had no true feylon counterpart but seemed to be a male version of Galaia.

On one side were Anora and Duren’s personal gods. Duren’s was the Feylon god Maldrin, god of makers and a bit of a trickster. He had a wide, grinning, mouth, and balanced a knife on the tip of his finger. Anora’s statue was to the Feylon goddess Pacia, goddess of mercy and was always depicted as a young woman wearing full plate armor. To the other side where Calli and Spayar’s gods. Unlike their siblings Calli and Spayar had Dirin gods, as they were more Dirinnan than their little siblings. Their parents had decided it was better this way. Calli’s statue was of the goddess Nuvokon, goddess of wells and springs and held a jug that poured ever flowing water onto a parched earth. She also had no true Feylon counterpart but Calli hardly ever prayed to her either.

Then there was Spayar’s. Densinn, or as his mother called him: Sevok, the lying crocodile. No matter what pantheon he resided in Densinn always looked the same: an iconography that spanned the continent. He was a young man with a charming smile, mouth sewn shut, hands cut off at the wrist and wrapped in golden fleece. Densinn was not a god most people wanted to associate with. He was a trickster godmwho would lead you down a path you didn't want to go down if you weren't careful. Spayar had dreamed about him when he was a boy. A haggard man with eyes like fire, bloody stumps for hands, still trying to open his mouth despite the stitches. 

Densinn was not a benevolent god but appeared in many stories of the gods especially around the brothers Lemp and Anceion as one of the first gods they wove into being along with Can'dhe, Perunez, Galaia and Tipal. Densinn was the god of language and had been the first one to utter a word and whisper it into a human's ear. He'd taught humans to speak, write, and create sign language. He had a gold and poison tongue that spoke truth as often as it spoke lies. He'd been the first thing to lie as much as the first to sing and orate. Once he'd been a powerful god like the other first borns but earned his fathers’ ire because of his lies and tales, and his promises to teach dogs and fish to talk like he had their precious humans. So the brothers had ripped out his tongue, sewn his mouth shut and chopped off his hands so he could never speak again.

Mostly under protest Spayar worshipped Densinn and called him that out of spite. He might have a personal god like a Dirinnan but he wasn't and knew he wasn't going to give Densinn the satisfaction of using his Dirnnan name. He also didn't pray often but he'd been meaning to lately, especially after what had happened to him lately. Talking like a man possessed. Like a man unafraid of death.

“You did that when I saw Teldin, didn't you?” he asked the statue. “And with Pale Cross. You're going to get me killed at this rate.” Densinn was a liar but great at saying whatever he needed to get the job done. “I’m not a use to you dead.”

The statue was unmoving. Spayar sighed and looked up at the ceiling in annoyance. “You’re not even listening are you?” he huffed softly. He'd seen the statue move once or twice as a boy. He'd told his mother and she just said his god was watching him, which with a god like Densinn was not always a good thing.

Spayar went to his rain coat and grabbed his coin purse. He found a golden atrin and brought it back to the painted wooden statue. He made a slight face as he bent the atrin and pulled it with his mattallurgist magic. Elemental magic wasn't a weave or a spell, it was just an extension of being and Spayar was not very good at it. The trick back at King’s Casket where he'd pulled Pale Cross’ knife out of his belt had been a fluke and a lucky one at that. Even he'd been surprised it had worked. Not cutting himself hadn't been, but his ability was limited. He fiddled with the soft metal, shaping it in his hands before he got it to look approximately like how he wanted. It was a pair of roughly made golden hands. He added a spike to the end and lifted the little statue to pin them into the wrists. He put the statue back down.

“Don’t ignore me, Densinn,” he said seriously. “I’ve seen your shrine on Swan Island; I'm your only worshipper. Don't ignore me.”

“Spayar, mazuk, the cabbie is outside,” his mother called from the door.

“Coming!” he called back. “Don’t let me die, Densinn. You need me,” and he went to grab his rain coat. As he pulled it on he glanced back at the statue. He wasn't sure if he was happy or sad the statue was different. Densinn was winking at him. “Great,” he muttered and grabbed his hat from the chair seat and went out to meet the cabbie who was standing at the doorway with an umbrella ready for him.

—

The sand the wyrm landed on was warm even though Spayar’s boots which he was grateful for. He was cold! After the all day flight up north on wyrm back at high altitudes he was close to shivering despite purposefully layering up like he was going to Surassa for the winter. Being a fire warlock Von had been a blessing as he was able to keep them warm for a while but even he had difficulty with the high cold winds. No wonder flighters wore such thick jackets and pants all the time.

The sun was just starting to set when they arrived and were given over to a man who gave them a room and meals and said the Wyrm Lord would be alerted they'd arrived but were free to do as they pleased.

The room they'd been given was a shared room which Spayar did not like. He hadn't slept in the same room as Von since he'd hit puberty and wasn't looking forward to starting now. Von was just busy stuffing his face. They'd stopped once briefly for lunch but normally postal flighters even ate their meals awing if going across the country. Spayar couldn't say he was particularly hungry. The height and motions of the great wyrm had made food the last thing on his mind.

“Are we just going to see him tonight?” Spayar asked, picking at the steamed fish seasoned with more lemon than Spayar knew was possible. 

“Yes. We aren't staying long,” Von said. “Teldin has the cooperation of the White Foot so there is nothing north or west of use to me.”

“The Norths,” Spayar said.

“I think they've had their share of war for a few more generations,” was all Von said. Spayar didn't disagree. “I want to get in and out of here.”

Soayar finally ate some of the fish. It was good, very sharp, which he wasn't expecting. “This isn't about the Wyrm Lord is it?”

“It is.”

“You just want bully him into giving your Diylan,” Spayar said, seeing through him.

“Okay maaaybe I am,” Von said with a slight grin. “But he has no alligence to my family other than that my mother is Asuras. There's no Conflicy yet so he hasn't picked a side.”

“That you know of.”

“Well are you not sharing information, Spayar?” Von gave him an annoyed look.

“No. I haven't heard anything either.”

“Exactly. Which is why I'm here now before my siblings show up. Once they learn I have the Rosalia they will try for the Drake just because the Drake hate them and want to fight them.”

“Which is stupid,” Spayar said blandly.

“Yes,” Von agreed. “Now are you done? You know how Diylan is. The sooner we see him the better we'll find him in his room.”

Spayar ate four more bites, which was about as much as he could stomach. “Okay, let's go.” He made sure to take off his coat before following Von. 

The Wyrd was an old, mostly dormant, volcano. Most of the mountain was in some way hollow and the central cone was a great shaft that ran up through the entire mountain to the sky. When they left the tunnel it was just barely still light out and Spayar glanced up, the circle of sky was starting to turn indigo as night approached. At the bottom of the cone was a large grounds filled with hot sand, warmed from underground to help keep the Wyrd warm even at this altitude. A ring had been cut around the bottom of the cone for foot traffic and two long, spiraling, staircases ran up the entire length of the cone in opposite directions with damaged landings at regular intervals. Down on the first floor the walls were covered in mosaics of orange groves and the sky, the ground paved in circular designs. Spayar had to admit, though there were no real buildings in the Wyrd the place was still beautiful and covered in the wealth of the Drake.

"So, Diylan?" Von asked as they stood for a moment under the cut overhang of the central cone, both trying not to gape at the magnitude of the Wyrd and failing a bit. "Which staircase is he again?"

"The red one I believe," Spayar said. The staircases had the front facing side of each step painted red or blue and where they  overlapped was purple. "Two curves up?"

"Why don't you just stop acting like you don't know exactly where he is?" Von grumbled, Spayar grinned, "You're completely insufferable."

"Come along my princeling," Spayar chuckled and started for the red stairs. At each landing there were huge grooves cut into the rock and Spayar knew they weren't there for decorative purposes. Climbing stairs sucked even for Von, who lived five floors up, so it was just much easier to get your wyrm to fly up to your landing, grab on, and climb off, than to have to walk up the stairs to your landing.

They were both out of breath and Spayar's legs were sore when they reached the proper landing. No matter how in shape you were stairs were still rough, especially with how many they'd just climbed. "Show off," Von grumbled as across from them on the blue staircase a wyrm landed on the wall, great claws digging into the wall, and their rider sliding off and onto the landing without incident. They then opened a portal and the wyrm crawled in and was gone.

Spayar chuckled, "C'mon, we're almost there," and he went into the tunnel on the landing. Here the lights were magical in nature, growing brighter as people neared them. They walked down the hallway, along the curve of the mountain, to a door. Spayar knocked. No answer. Spayar knocked again, louder this time. Von gave him a look and Spayar traced a new weave into the door to check to make sure he was at least in there were magic, just giving a brief courtesy inspection of the room and yes, Diylan was indeed in there.

"Well?" Von asked.

"He's in," Spayar banged his fist on the door. "Diylan, open up, I know you're in there," he yelled.

There was a moment and then the door opened. "Who the hell is- oh... you two," Diylan wasn't wearing a shirt and barely wearing any pants, which were holding onto his hips for dear life.

"Did we interrupt?" Von asked though with the air of someone who really didn't care.

Diylan gave Von a look, "Yes actually, you are," he said irritably. "But the royal family doesn't care if they bother the common people do they?" Diylan was the only one of their friends who gave Von the same amount of shit Spayar did. Diylan wasn't afraid of Von like most of their friends were, even if they didn't realize they were. 

"Nope," Von said, "We require you now and they can wait."

Diylan gave Von a look, "You know when people normally tell me that sort of stuff they're usually promising me more than a hard time. Unless you're up for that," and Von rolled his eyes even as the tips of his peaked ears turned pink. "Didn't think so," Diylan looked at Spayar, "What about you junior?" he asked.

"I'm far too good for you Diylan," Spayar said. Not that Diylan wasn't nice to look at without a shirt on. Diylan was hot, tall and huge with pale white skin, green eyes with gray scleras, short, messy copper hair with a silver streak along one side and more freckles than you could count. Too bad he was a bit of a man whore and even for Spayar that was too much.

Diylan leaned against his door frame, Von now completely forgotten. "That so?" he asked, his green eyes gleamed with challenge. "And who's to say that, hmm? Too good to lower yourself to some flighter?"

"More I don't like easy men," Spayar said.

Diylan smirked, "I can be hard for you Spayar-

"You two," Von interrupted, mortified as he realized what his friends were doing. "Can you not?"

"Awww? What's wrong Gard? Don't like me encroaching on your territory?" Diylan asked.

Von actually flushed a little, "I don't need to watch you two flirt," he said irritably. Spayar rolled his eyes a little.

"Ah... seems your lord doesn't like the idea of you having any fun, junior," Diylan said.

"Oh lay off Diylan. He's only sixteen and still a boy.” He and Diylan laughed. "Okay that's enough fun at our prince's expense," Spayar said.

"Yeah yeah, come in, I'll get dressed," Diylan moved out of the way and they went in, Von trying to control himself better but it was nice for Spayar to see Von actually get flustered. It also made him glad Von seemed so against Spayar getting with Diylan. There was a small sitting room in the front and half a wall between it and the bedroom. "Get up love, got more pressing things to attend."

"What? But we were-

"I'm quite aware what we were," Diylan interrupted her, "But I have important guests. So get dressed a see yourself out," and Diylan was pulling on clothes. Spayar and Von sat while he was talking.

A minute later a woman came out from behind the half wall, dressed, and glared at the both of them. She wasn't really pretty but had huge breasts. Diylan was way too predictable. She left the room in a huff, slamming the door after her. "You sure know how to pick 'em Diylan," Spayar called.

"She's not my wife, so why should I care?" he called back and Spayar heard leather moving against itself.

"She could have been," Von said, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair.

Diylan came out from his bedroom, "Please. I might be easy but I know how to keep myself sonless if at all possible."

Von looked him up and down, "Quite a thing that. A flighter who doesn't want a son. You sure you're a Drake?" he asked.

"Children are horrendous little monsters. I'll gladly save myself the trouble of ever having one," Diylan made a face and finished buckling his thigh length flak jacket before falling into the remaining chair gracelessly. "So, what do you two want? You didn't come all the way from Assarus for a personal call. If you had I would have gotten a letter demanding I come to the capital," and Von smiled a little. At the very least Von didn't make friends with idiots, say what you wanted about their habits in bed.

"One is I need to speak to the Wyrm Lord-

"Good luck with that."

"It's important."

"Yeah, what about?" Diylan said and picked at his nails. "Jollen doesn't make idle chatter with princelings."

Von scowled at him, "A Conflict is coming. I am trying to get ahead of it," Von said.

Diylan stopped picking his nails and turned to Von. He put his elbows on his knees, face serious. "Come again, Gard?" Diylan said.

"I know you're not a fool, Diylan. I'm sure you've heard an inkling of a Conflict," Von said, "Teldin and Tallalsala and Dellin are also making preparations. Forces are being mustered. If I wasn't here one of them would be. Unless they have been?"

"No," Diylan said, "None of your siblings have come to the Wyrd."

"Good. Then I need to speak with Jollen."

"About what?"

"A mutually benefitting alliance for us," Von said.

Diylan leaned back in his chair, looking huge and menacing with his flak jacket and steely grey eyes save for the circles of pale green. Diylan was not a skilled fighter, instead his skills were in desk work, which he gladly did. Diylan was one of the apprentices of the Overseer and a potential successor. A man who obeyed only the Wyrm Lord they knew everything about everything in the Wyrd. As a junior overseer that meant Diylan knew more about everything than a normal flighter. "What did you plan?"

"I'll discuss that with Jollen-

"You will tell me," Diylan said. "The Wyrm Lord only meets with people who have been cleared by the overseers. Prince or not you are still a man."

Von scowled, "I want his assistance in my coup. For his cooperation I'm prepared to make all sorts of promises for when I'm Asuras."

Diylan looked at Von, then Spayar. "You know about this?" he asked Spayar. Spayar nodded. "Who else is on your side?"

"Galinsum, the Shade, praetor X'vazior and his army, as well as a smattering of lower lords."

Diylan appraised Spayar, "That's all?"

"So far," Spayar didn't mention the Rosalia. No need to start an argument.

"You're lying about someone," Diylan said, narrowing his eyes a bit, "You're a good liar Spayar I'll give you that but I'm supposed to tell the good liars from the bad ones. Who else have you gotten?"

Spayar thought quickly, who the hell could he say instead of the Rosalia? If the Drake knew Von was already friends with Helida not only would they not agree to joining with them but they might also get thrown out. "Lord Addling," Von said, and Spayar didn't look at him until Diylan did.

"Why would you omit Lord Addling?" Diylan asked.

"It's not official," Von said. "He has agreed to nothing, so we aren't counting his number, but we want him."

Diylan looked contemplative, steepling his fingers, and looked at Spayar again, Spayar made his face unreadable. "I'll get you a meeting with Jollen," he said.

"Thank you," Von said.

"Don't thank me yet. Jollen likes your mother. He might not take kindly to your proposition."

"How's your crop this year?" Von asked.

Diylan blinked slowly and looked suspicious, "Why do you want to know?"

"You know my mother isn't going to help you," Von said. "Trade is still regulated to the normal limits on importation across our borders. Your oranges looked lackluster this year. I've heard from other cities that their harvests are so bad they'll have to ration it this winter if they want get food imported in the quantity they need. My mother needs to die, the sooner, the better, for the entire Alliance. If I don't do it my siblings will. We won't let our people starve because of our mother."

Diylan gave him a look, "... You have a point," he conceded. "Was that all you came to the Wyrd for?" he asked.

"Haven't seen you in a year or so," Spayar put in.

"Well, two years on you," Diylan said to Spayar.

"I was serving time."

"And you didn't even write. How rude," and Spayar laughed.

"I wasn't going to waste ink on you," Spayar said.

"That hurts junior."

"Hurts what? That icy thing in your chest you call a heart?"

"I'll have you know my heart is the only thing that is icy," Diylan gave him a look.

"Ahg! Stooop," Von cried and covered his eyes. "Anceion's gaze above, please stop flirting," he said miserably.

Spayar and Diylan laughed, "I think your little princeling needs a taste of what its like," Diylan said.

"What? What what's like?" Von demanded.

"He's really rather stupid sometimes isn't he?" Diylan asked Spayar.

"He’s still got his virtue what do you expect?” he teased Von a bit.

“Spayar!” Von cried, a flush high in his cheeks.

"What?" Spayar asked him, grinning, sometimes it was too much fun to have a laugh at Von's expense, especially with Diylan around. It was, effectively, like having two of them around and while sometimes Diylan annoyed the hell out of Spayar they were very alike and both of them knew how to poke Von without actually pissing him off. Von frowned deeply at him.

"And what I meant was," Diylan continued, having the decency to at least not laugh, "that Spayar has to suffer through all your flirting, I don't see why you can't suffer through his," Spayar gave Diylan a dark look for that. Spayar wasn't sure if most people were just stupid or obvious but of their friends Diylan was one of the only ones who really noticed Spayar had a thing for their prince. It would be just less painful for everyone if Von didn't know though since he'd make it weird and awkward. "Unless, you know," Diylan quirked his head at Von, "you're some sort of homophobe."

Spayar barely reacted fast enough to grab Von's arm when he lurched out of his seat. Diylan jerked back, pressing into the back of chair when Von stood up and looked ready to strike him across the face. "I can take a lot Diylan," Von said, voice hard "But don't ever insult me like that again," and he tugged his arm out of Spayar's grip. "Now go get me that meeting with Jollen," he ordered. Diylan swallowed a little, looked over at Spayar and then got out of his seat. He'd never seen Diylan slink in his life, but Diylan positively slithered out of the room, just to get away from Von.

"Von-

"Can you believe him?" Von cried once Diylan was gone and turned to Spayar. "Accuse me of being that. You're my best friend," his voice quieted quickly after his initial outburst. Spayar just looked up at him, honestly he didn't know what to think himself. Diylan had been pretty out of hand there. "And I don't care who the hell you, or anyone takes to their bed. But by the gods there is nothing worse than watching Diylan flirt because he's a slimy creep when he does it."

Spayar grinned a little, "I'll agree with you on that," he said.

“That's the part I forgot with him,” he sighed. “He's better not doing that.” Von looked contemplative for a moment, "You-" he paused, hesitant. "Would you? With him?" he asked awkwardly.

"Uh..." Spayar said, "No, he's not really my type.”

Von deflated a little, "Okay," and he sat down abruptly.

"You alright Von?" Spayar asked him.

Von looked at him, "I just... don't think you should sell yourself short. You're too good for him."

Spayar laughed a little, "Von, the last thing you need to be worried about is my love life-

"Well I do! Sometimes," he hunched a little, "I just want you to find someone who makes you happy," and Spayar was so stunned he couldn't speak. "You don't really... like anyone and sometimes I get concerned."

"Neither do you," he pointed out.

"I'm a prince," Von said, "and... too young right now to think about that," he swallowed. "No one wants to be with a prince.” Everyone attached to princes or princess were usually cast aside after the coups, the ones who didn't die fighting for their prince or princess usually never dealt with politics again, or went near the capitals. It was better, because they would never bend to another Asuras . Some of them went to a temple of Lemp in their grief and shame to be brought to the Shadow Lands. "You could still be something without me," Von said.

"No," Spayar said, "I couldn't. Because if you go to the Shadowed Lands I'd be in front of you. Because to get to you, they'd have to get through me first," Spayar said in a hard tone. He wasn't fooling around. Whoever wanted to kill Von would have to kill him first, because he wouldn't let any harm come to him so long as he drew breath.

Von sighed, "Thanks," he said quietly, not smiling but looking at Spayar gratefully. 

—

When the Wyrm Lord agreed to see them Spayar was cautious. Of course he was. It was no secret that Jollen liked Virilia, and at least thought her competent, or perhaps more he thought her benefitting. He was waiting for them in his office but didn't stand when Von entered. He had one of the few views in the entire Wyrd with his office having an open air window to the volcano cone.

"Your highness," Jollen said when Von stood before his desk. There were no chairs, everyone who came here was expected to stand.

"Wyrm Lord, I trust your fairing well-

"I didn't agree to a meeting of pleasantries, boy," Jollen said harshly. "I am a busy man with a busy house and many things to do. Get to what you want and then you may be on your way."

Von swallowed, he hadn't been expecting Jollen to be so harsh. The man was like a wolf, his hair a shimmering silver with black shot through it and his eyes ice blue inside black scleras. Every feature on him was sharp and lean and he didn't have a scrap of fat on him. Sitting down he didn't look too big but like most flighters Jollen not only reached six foot, he exceeded it by far. "I'm sure you can hazard a guess why I'm here," Von said.

"The same reason Dellin wanted to speak with me."

"Dellin's here?"

"No. But he tried to speak with me regardless. Then he insulted me and made me very upset."

What was with the Le'Acard children and pissing off noble houses lately? Spayar didn't understand. They should know better, but it seemed like all they were doing was misstepping. He hoped Von didn't misstep. Spayar also wasn't sure Jollen wasn't lying. Diylan said no other princes had come through here. Unless it was earlier. Or maybe Diylan didn't know. "I'm not my brother," Von said.

"Well I certainly hope so," Jollen said, leaning back in his chair and folding his fingers together.

"Do you like my mother, Jollen?"

"She has her uses," Jollen said.

 "And what are those?"

Jollen smiled a small, wolf, smile, "That would be between me and the Asuras, your highness."

"I want your help Jollen," Von said, "You're not stupid, I would never accuse you of that. You know why I'm here and what I want from you."

"The Drake are not interested," Jollen said.

"I can offer you things Jollen," Von said.

"And what when you die, little princeling?" he asked. "I was a boy when your mother took the throne and I saw what siding with the wrong side did to my father, to my house. My father sided with her brother-

"Who should have been Asuras and you know it," Von said.

"Of course he should have,” it came out as a snarl. “Only the weak take the leftovers. But your mother is Asuras now. I like your mother, because she is weak. The Drake offer nothing in these schemes. We want, nothing."

Von bit his lips, he sucked his teeth a moment in thought and then said, "Not even be on the same field as the Rosalia?" he asked.

"What do those bitches in the west have anything to do with it?" Jollen growled.

"Helida is on my side," Von said. "She doesn't back the weak either. When I win she'll have played a valuable role in helping me claim my throne. Do you want to be cut out by them?" he asked.

Jollen's eyes narrowed, "Tell that slut of Lemp to go to do us all a favor and kill herself,” Jollen said.

"I'll be sure to. And maybe when she retaliates against such slander I'll just... look the other way," he turned his head a bit like he was thoughtlessly averting his eyes.

"Are you threatening me, boy?" Jollen asked.

"Of course not, Jollen," Von said. "But when I am Asuras it will be Helida with me. I've never known a Drake to let a necromancer get one up on them," he said and Spayar didn't look at Von, though he wanted to. Von was out of his mind right now. He'd just threatened Jollen, one of the most powerful men in the Alliance. And he was baiting the man. Not even Densinn’s influence would have made Spayar say something so wreckless. Right? He was starting to regret asking Densinn to pay attention to him. Jollen wouldn't hurt Von but Spayar was a commoner despite his position as d'aelar and easy pickings for a Governor. "You've been rough on the Rosalia since my mother decided she liked you better than them. I doubt Helida has forgotten, or that she'll be kind in her retaliation."

"You'd threaten me with civil war?" Jollen said.

"Unlike you, Jollen, my accenion is not given to me in the Book of Bloods. I don't plan on dying," Von said cooly, "I am not my siblings. I am Vondugard Le'Acard and let me tell you; I live up to my name," now Jollen swallowed. The hero of old, Vondugard, had been Archon and personally led every battle of the Asuras that had claimed most of the eastern provinces. He'd been relentless, ferocious and showed no mercy to his enemies. Most eastern provinces, like Dodorum where the Wyrd resided, had many tales of Vondugard both good and had. "You are either with me, Jollen, or you are against me. Which is it so I know if I need to keep wasting my time in this tiny province out in the middle of nowhere. If so, when I'm Asuras you can stay here and rot for all I care. So what is it Jollen?"

Jollen stared angrily at Von, "If I join you I want assurances," Jollen said.

"Name them."

"We'll think about them," Jollen said. "When the time comes you'll have your answer. In the meantime I want you out of my Wyrd."

"Fine. I want one of your flighters to accompany me home," Von said, Jollen's eyes narrowed.

"Fine I'll assign-

"I want Diylan Rastin," Von said, "a junior overseer, you won't miss him."

Jollen's mouth went thin. "Fine," he said through grit teeth. "He will be ordered to stay out of the affairs of the Le'Acard," though Spayar knew Jollen saw what Von was giving him. With Diylan with them he'd have a constant eye and ear on Von to report his doings, and Von would gain a protection of a flighter. Diylan wasn't a good fighter, but most people didn't know that, all they'd see was a flighter, a warrior mounted on wyrm-back, standing at Von's back. "Take him and get out of my Wyrd."

"We'll be in touch Jollen, I'm sure," Von bowed a little to him. Spayar was caught off guard enough do that as well. Then Von turned on his heel and walked out. Spayar took one last glance at Jollen and then followed after his prince.

"Have you lost your mind?" Spayar hissed once they were outside Jollen's office and headed for the offices of the Overseer.

"I got what I wanted," Von said dismissively. "I don't care if Jollen does or doesn't back me," Spayar grabbed Von's arm.

"Excuse me?" he asked, turning Von to him. He lowered his voice, "You don't care?"

"I wanted Diylan, that was all. And I wanted Jollen to know that he'd better start picking sides. The Drake can't afford to be bipartisan," Von said quietly.

"And you thought the best way to do that would be to piss him off?" Spayar rubbed his forehead.

"He told me everything I needed to know, and got me Diylan. Everything went exactly as planned," Von said, pleased with himself and started to walk towards the Overseer office.

"Yeah, plan you didn't tell me," Spayar said, watching him go but didn't follow.

Von stopped and turned back to Spayar, "I don't tell you everything Spayar. Just like you don't tell me everything."

"Not about this," Spayar hissed. "This is our lives. You tell me everything." Von was being unreasonable and just now he'd used Spayar as nothing more than a show of force. Jollen knew Spayar was d'aelar and despite saying nothing that entire time him just standing behind Von said enough. Spayar had never felt so used. Von was his friend but in that moment all he felt like was a prince’s primary vassal. He didn't like it at all.

Von looked at Spayar, "I do what I have to." Spayar glared after Von as he continued towards the Overseers offices. "Come along Spayar, we need to tell Diylan the good news." The words from his mouth didn't even sound like his friend. Either he was just barely keeping it together or instead of Spayar Densinn had indeed decided the best way to pay attention to Spayar was through Von. Neither option was pleasant and it didn't make him feel better either.

Spayar grit his teeth and followed after Von because he was too good a friend to keep this up. And what else could he do? Nothing.  "And what's that?"

"That he gets to go to Assarus, and," he added this with a devious look, "he gets to go to my sister's naming day," he grinned a little. "If we're lucky he'll get into her bed and give her some vinerial disease-

"Von please, have some class," Spayar sighed. "She's more likely to give him one," and Von had to cover his mouth so he didn't laugh too loudly.

[keramalusundeep]

THE TRANSGENDER’S TRANCE

Let’s start with God. The answers are always easier that way. Someone I am most fond of once told me, “I pity atheists you know. Because they can’t ever blame God. They don’t have the privilege to ask ‘why God, why did you do this to me’.”

When the greater religions put a gun to our head and threatened us to jump in their well, we jumped. Who knew at the bottom of that well, we would find our superhero who went by the name Evolution!

Dismissing the need for any probation, evolution soon became the king of the jungle. When it roared, the jungle went into submission. But as we all know, no jungle worth its salt ever came without its poachers. The poachers came in the avatars of kings, queens, ministers, prophets, presidents, governors, our parents, our teachers, our communities, our whims, and our fancies. They drew the lines. The ones we were to not cross.

But, the thing is, our DNA came with an eraser, a pencil, a canvas, and a grave full of imagination. So even when we were put to rest, we dreamt. Our dreams made love to our mother earth, who politely went ahead and conceived the spiteful, incestual future of tomorrow, where we carried on the trend of effing our own kids with dreams and fantasies we were obliged to please.

When the tomorrow came, a man was born. He was named William Bruce Jenner. Six and a half decades later, in June 2015, he stood on top of the world and announced that he had changed his name to Caitlyn. Caitlyn Jenner. The world stood back in the stands and cheered him from all corners. Before the announcement, William had made all the required configurations in his biological geometry and aligned his chemistry to the integrity his new name would demand.

“I am so happy after such a long struggle to be living my true self. Welcome to the world Caitlyn. Can’t wait for you to get to know her/me.” Caitlyn posted on her twitter handle @Caitlyn_Jenner, which, along with the first tweet of her Vanity Fair cover went on to get a record-setting 1 million fans in less than 4 hours and 3 minutes straight. Whereas the most powerful man on earth, Barack Obama had taken 5 hours to pull the hanky 1 million in his @Potus basket, last month.

Wish Dora was here now to shower under the petals from the high gardens of Twitter. Dora, born as Rudolph R, was the first person to have gone under the knife in the first-ever recorded sex reassignment surgery (SRS) in 1931.

Long before Dora or Caitlyn, the mythologies blew mighty trumpets of accounts concerning legends who were both man and woman in one form. Tiresias, the Theban blind prophet is said to have compelling wisdom for his cursed gender transformations. Cupid, the God who makes our heart fond and stupid with our better halves, apparently, is a unisex God. Way to make a point that love . . . indeed has no gender. If that was not enough, hear this – Cupid’s high-profile mama and dada, Hermes and Aphrodite, were the inspiration for the term ‘hermaphrodite’ (a person with both male and female sexual characteristics and organs). And I believe that was Hollywood’s gospel when it came to spelling the Celebrity Supercouple Nicknames.

Even though the hand holding the umbrella for transgenders is the same, all five fingers of that hand are not. The race to attaining transgender nirvana has been chalked with 5 different tracks. The tracks are identified as transexual, transvestite, genderqueer, androgene, and bigender.

Writing about transgenders is hard. Being them is even harder. Imagine a left-hand drive car coming straight from the factory and claiming that it felt very much right-handed. Since nothing can be done about it, the car is now incapacitated and forced to pretend that it is indeed a right-hand drive car and just drive down the boulevard. Then we have the car that thinks that it is neither left nor a right hand drive, instead a centre-hand drive. Hey, don’t brag your eyes. I told you, already. It is complicated for transgenders.

Harry Benjamin, the famous German-American sexologist and chief medical advisor to Christine Jorgenson (the ex G.I., who, before Caitlyn Jenner, 60 years ago, became the pioneer in America for stealing all shows concerning her Sex Reassignment Surgery), said, “Our genetic and endocrine equipment constitutes either an unresponsive/fertile soil on which the wrong conditioning and a psychological trauma can grow and develop into such a basic conflict that subsequently a deviation like transsexualism can result.”

Let me give you an example. When androgen receptors (a nuclear receptor that regulates gene expression) is said to have a firm handshake with testosterone or dihydrotestosterone (sex steroid), it will lead to the formulation of primary and secondary male sex characteristics. Whereas, instead of a handshake, if the androgen receptors and testosterone have a face-off with each other, their alliance will be broken. Meaning, a person who is assigned as ‘male’ at birth will come to feel and identify that he belongs to the opposite sex.

Again, it will be a blasphemy to summarise the identity of one’s gender purely by a single theory alone. There are potent men with pornstar-sized penises who feel that they should be women, just as there are women who are super attractive, wear feminine clothes, and perfectly capable of conceiving, feel the urge to grow hair on their chest and dangle some testosterone between their legs.

Going by the biological complexity and psychological curiosity, it is evident that Agent X and Agent Y from the Sperm Maker Inc., when it comes to adjudicating the gender of a person, are futile as a burp in a storm.

Oppression, degradation, prejudice – a staple diet in the menu of transgenders, have been riddled with brutal attacks for merely holding a balloon called ‘me’.

In 1513, when the Spanish conquistador, Vasco Nunez de Balbao, found out that a village in Panama had men dressing up as women, he ordered his men to make sure the casual crossdressers and gay indigenes were “torn to pieces” by his pack of wild dogs.

In 2008, 15-year-old Lawrence King was killed by two bullets to the head. The killer was a 14-year-old boy from the same school.

Last week, Stephanie McCarthy, a transgender musician, who was just about to play her gig, was assaulted by five men at Newtown’s Town Hall Hotel in Sydney.
 Yet, if we have a little courage to overlook the barbaric repercussions the transgenders have had to endure, we have come nowhere as close as today, when it comes to fighting for transgender rights. With Poland’s Anna Grodzka, becoming the first transexual MP in Europe to Donald Trump changing the rules in Miss Universe pageant that allowed Kylan Arianna Wenzel, the first transgender to participate in a Miss Universe competition to Madame Tussauds, San Francisco, recently announcing that it will feature a wax figure of Laverne Cox on June 26 during the Pride Week . . . the world of transgenders is on a slow and steady and progressive track. Laverne became the first ever transgender to star in the prestigious museum.

From the Indian wave, we have Manobi Bandopadhyay, who became India’s first transgender college principal when she took charge of Krishna Women’s College in West Bengal earlier this month. In 2014, the Supreme Court of India validated ‘transgender’ as the third sex.

With Caitlyn Jenner’s announcement, the transgender community in America and around the world are positive that going forward they will be able to see better days.

Obama, the first African-American to hold the office, was the first chief executive to inculcate the word ‘transgender’ in a speech, also openly prohibited job bias against transgender government workers, replied to Caitlyn’s second-ever tweet when she expressed her joy about finally being able to come out, “It takes courage to share your story.”

History is an ambitious gold digger eager to marry the most sought-after bachelor – ‘first-ever’. This century, we have had the privilege to see the changes the yesteryears had been begging and crying and hopelessly getting whipped for, just so they could live to breathe the aroma of this hopeful day – where the floods of transgender insurrection will come to overwhelm our naivety, for good.

[fapangel]

"Trump's approval rating is at 37%, the lowest at this point in the presidency of any president since Gallup began tracking it in 1945. Correspondingly, his disapproval rating has hit 58%." (From ABC) Have you stopped drinking the flavour-aid yet?

So it’s improved since the election, then: 

http://www.gallup.com/poll/197231/trump-clinton-finish-historically-poor-images.aspx?g_source=scalometer&g_medium=search&g_campaign=tiles

Trump had the highest unfavorable score in “presidential polling history,” challenged only by... Hillary herself, only 9 points behind. And remember that this is skewed towards older voters by the realities of modern polling (cell phone polls being very expensive, and most people under 30 don’t have a landline at all anymore.)

And yet, he still won the election! Magic!? 

See, this is the problem with you shitheads - the endless self-affirming back-patting ego-stroking circlejerk. Fuck the blatant facts of reality, such as, you know, who won the election. All you need is one tidbit snatched out of context to lube up with and away you go, wanking into my inbox. Recent example - one day I pulled out my phone, checked Google News, and found (as I often do) several papers running the same headline on the same week:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/01/20/donald-trump-will-start-his-presidency-with-the-smallest-confirmed-cabinet-in-decades/?utm_term=.fce37216561a (Feb. 2nd) 

http://www.dispatch.com/news/20170219/trumps-cabinet-pick-confirmations-are-taking-longer-than-obamas-did (Feb. 19th)

http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/blame-trump-not-democrats-the-administrations-empty-offices (Feb. 20th)

http://ktla.com/2017/02/25/nearly-2000-positions-remain-vacant-in-president-trumps-cabinet-data-shows/ (Feb. 25th)

SECOND VERSE FAKE AS THE FIRST A WHOLE LOT LOUDER AND A WHOLE LOT WORSE

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2017/03/03/trump-is-blaming-the-democrats-for-cabinet-delays-that-are-normal-and-his-own-fault/?utm_term=.9be258c12465 (March 3rd) 

http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/25/politics/donald-trump-cabinet-vacancies/ (March 25th) 

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/02/24/trumps-cabinet-waiting-for-confirmation.html (March 24th)

http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/03/trump-still-hasnt-done-very-much-214932 (March 20th)

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/445709/trumps-skeletal-crew-sub-cabinet-positions-unfilled (March 12th) 

Endless circlejerking over how many empty cabinet seats Trump has - despite it being entirely the fault of dogged, deliberate and bullheaded Democratic obstructionism, as these same media outlets reported: 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/politics/confirmation-no-votes/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/02/23/democrats-insatiable-opposition-to-donald-trump/?utm_term=.1728575c1eef

http://a.abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/democrats-delay-fight-trump-cabinet-picks-45187865

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/democrats-boycott-committee-votes-trumps-picks-treasury-health/story?id=45168280

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/inside-dncs-war-room-trump-cabinet-confirmation-hearings/story?id=44718051 (”WAR ROOM”.) 

http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-s-cabinet-nominees-slog-through-messy-confirmation-process-n716166

http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/how-senate-democrats-have-voted-each-donald-trump-s-cabinet-n715561

Oh, fuck son, I’m not done. You know how the media has kept putting the OMG RUSSIA thing on their front pages by openly reporting lies, slanders and “leaks” from “~sources~ we can’t name teehee?” Here’s them all circlejerking over it, as if they had nothing to do with it: 

https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2016-11-02/questions-linger-about-trumps-relationship-with-russia (reprinted AP wire story)

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/national/2016/11/questions_linger_about_trumps_relationship_with_russia

http://buffalonews.com/2017/01/11/despite-decent-news-conference-questions-linger-trumps-readiness/

http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/15/politics/trump-russia-issues/

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38966846

So, back to Gallup polls: 

http://www.gallup.com/poll/195542/americans-trust-mass-media-sinks-new-low.aspx

Do you understand what I’m telling you, here? We’re used to this. We’re used to you smug fucks calling us “idiots that voted against our own self-interest” and sneering that we’ll soon be wallowing in regret. This is typically followed by increasing desperation and passive-aggressive nastiness (they’re not wallowing yet why won’t they fucking wallow!?) followed by a shift to exploring why Republicans are all fucking sheep led by the nose and/or how is the love child of the Pied Piper and Robspierre. This is the definition of the smug style. There you are, sneering in my inbox, wondering if I’m tasting the bitter fruits of not following the correct opinions yet. 

As usual the WaPo provides many reliable examples: 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-supporters-see-a-successful-president--and-are-frustrated-with-critics-who-dont/2017/02/19/496cb4b4-f6ca-11e6-9845-576c69081518_story.html?utm_term=.4a027830df89

Their audience literally needs it explained to them that supporters of a President think he’s successful and are frustrated with those that don’t. This isn’t common sense or even “the most basic of human psychology” to them, they need this explained. 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/02/24/meet-5-people-who-think-president-trump-is-off-to-a-great-start/?utm_term=.50bf801b67f4

“Inside the minds of Trump supporters.” Like they put out a MAGA hat and an American flag on a lawn, and when a Trump supporter approaches Chris Hansen steps out and asks them to take a seat so we may probe the mysterious recesses of their warped minds. 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/02/23/trump-will-likely-sell-out-his-working-class-white-base-heres-how/?utm_term=.70cc66e2f614

“H-HE’LL BETRAY THEM, ANY DAY NOW!” 

In case you haven’t realized yet - Trump won the election. Not only that, but Republicans swept Congress, too. The media was smugging over the candidates who tried to distance themselves from Trump during the campaign, only for those candidates to do worse, on average, then ones that embraced him. Your party has been repudiated in the most final and meaningful way possible, in large part by the very people you claim to represent and champion, in states that haven’t voted Republican since Reagan - or Reagan’s VP, Bush Sr.  A lot of the people you’re sneering at as beguiled, misled fools are union guys who’ve voted Democrat most, if not all their lives. 

And you can’t comprehend it. Instead, you - of the party that reviled, slandered and ultimately destroyed McCarthy, you, of the party who’s last President smugly sniped at his opponent for indulging in outdated cold-war paranoia of Russians - now see evil Russkies under every couch cushion as a way to rationalize your defeat. You use hashtag #RESIST like you’re hiding in the woods fighting fucking Nazis, you call us Nazis, you make lurid and increasingly demented predictions of Trump’s impending impeachment for the high crime of not agreeing with you, and in the most extreme cases, you resort to complete and total fantasy without any veneer of reality left: 

http://www.hillarybeattrump.org/

This is a site full of “news articles” from an alternate reality where Hillary won. It’s literal fantasy. Here’s another splendid dose of utter bugfuck insanity from a published YA author on his twitter: 

https://twitter.com/TimFederle/status/831540537467469824

Hillary the Druid, living in the wilderness as she becomes One with Gaia and prepares to take the fight to the HALLS OF THE TRUMPEN KING. You cannot make this shit up. Scott Adams was 100% right when he called this “hallucinating.” There is no other word for it. Everything else falls far short of the level of total delusion and disconnect from reality required. 

So yeah, before you go asking me about kool-aid, y’might wanna yank the hose out of your mouth. 

[dazzledbybooks]

After unwittingly helping her mother poison King Louis XIV, seventeen-year-old alchemist Mirabelle Monvoisin is forced to see her mother’s Shadow Society in a horrifying new light: they’re not heroes of the people, as they’ve always claimed to be, but murderers. Herself included. Mira tries to ease her guilt by brewing helpful curatives, but her hunger tonics and headache remedies cannot right past wrongs or save the dissenters her mother vows to purge. Royal bastard Josse de Bourbon is more kitchen boy than fils de France. But when the Shadow Society assassinates the Sun King and half the royal court, he must become the prince he was never meant to be in order to save his injured sisters and the petulant Dauphin. Forced to hide in the derelict sewers beneath the city, any hope of reclaiming Paris seems impossible—until Josse’s path collides with Mirabelle’s, and he finds a surprising ally in his sworn enemy. She's a deadly poisoner. He's a bastard prince. Together, they form a tenuous pact to unite the commoners and former nobility against the Shadow Society. But can a rebellion built on mistrust ever hope to succeed? An Affair of Poisons  by Addie Thorley  Publisher: Page Street Kids  Release Date: February 26th 2019  Genre: Young Adult, Historical Fiction, Fantasy  Review: An Affair of Poisons is loosely based on the real life events of La Voisin and the Affaire des Poisons scandal back in the late 17th Century in Paris, France. Mirabelle is the daughter of one of the most influential society members. This book is very dark. This very fast paced tale definitely tells the story of Mirabelle and Josse, who are working together to try to start senseless murders from happening. When Mirabelle accidentally murders King Louis XIV for her mother and her mother's society, Mirabelle wants nothing more than to stop what is going on. The characters were extremely interesting in Affair of Poisons. I really enjoyed the relationship that Josse had with his sisters. This is the one thing that I really wish the reader got more of. I would have loved to see more of Josse and his sisters. I thought the romance in the story was slow burning. It is also a really sweet romance. All the characters has really good personalities. I think that is what kept the book going. I thought an Affair of Poisons by Addie Thorley was a pretty good debut novel. It was pretty interesting to read and the characters make the book. Definitely check it out. Favorite Quotes: "Some claim she's a witch. Others a Saint. I see no difference; the people of Paris worship her either way." "I'd believe her capable of anything when she's grinning like that. Her smile is dazzling. it could set the world ablaze." Pre-order: Addie is hosting a pre-order campaign by giving away several bundles on her website. Check details here:   https://twitter.com/addiethorley/status/1073379947761336324  Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40046019-an-affair-of-poisons  Amazon: https://amzn.to/2CcRlDC  B&N: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/an-affair-of-poisons-addie-thorley/1128573167?ean=9781624147135#/  Bookdepository: https://www.bookdepository.com/Affair-Poisons-Addie-Thorley/9781624147135?ref=grid-view&qid=1547080226455&sr=1-1  Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/gb/en/ebook/an-affair-of-poisons  Giveaway: Prize: Coming Soon  Starts: March 5th 2019  Ends: March 19th 2019  a Rafflecopter giveaway  About the Author: Addie Thorley spent her childhood playing soccer, riding horses, and scribbling stories. After graduating from the University of Utah with a degree in journalism, she decided “hard news” didn’t contain enough magic and kissing, so she flung herself into the land of fiction and never looked back.  She now lives in Princeton, New Jersey with her husband, daughter, and wolf dog. When she’s not writing she can be found gallivanting in the woods or galloping around the barn where she works as a horse trainer and exercise rider.  AN AFFAIR OF POISONS is her debut novel.

http://www.dazzledbybooks.com/2019/03/affairofpoisonsblogtour.html