#I have been regularly obsessed with them since… oh god 2020???? that’s crazy

[timothylawrence]

i have to say your love for sasha and rhys/sasha makes me giggle. i adore it when you go on about her or their love!

LOL THANK YOU…. I love them so bad it’s embarrassing but I genuinely think they’re my favs from anything… I think abt them regularly 😭❤️❤️❤️ Sasha is my baby 😭❤️

I literally saw this etched into the ground yesterday and was like omg… 😭

[idkijustlovebts]

One Year 💜

I can’t believe that I am writing this because that means it has been one year since I became an ARMY. The year has absolutely FLOWN by and I cant believe everything that has happened in the last year. So let's toss it back to the beginning, shall we?

So, fun fact, I LOVE Jimmy Fallon. My dream job is to work in his social media department at the Tonight Show. I have watched his show every day since he was even the host of Late Night.

So I was first exposed to BTS on the tonight show back in 2018 and yet somehow it didn’t stick back then like it did a year ago. I remember watching the entire episode they were on, being impressed with the performance and STILL not looking more into it (can you believe).

I remember how cute it was when they were all introducing themselves and when they got to Jimin, Jimmy said, “Here we go! My man! Here we go!” and Jimin when, “Hey Jimmy! I’m Jimin!” and I was so endeared!!! And yet, nothing. 2018 me would’ve never guessed that man would become my bias wrecker in 2020.

So fast forward to February 2020. BTS was on the Tonight Show again. This time it was a subway special. My god, it was my bread and butter because I just really love New York and Jimmy was showing it off with BTS in tow. I really think that is what helped peak my interest with them. I remember being FLOORED by their “ON” performance at grand central. That dance break was (and always will be) INSANE.

Now, this didn’t necessarily get me to keep looking into them. I just kept watching the performance over and over again.

Then a few days later, I saw a Carpool Karaoke video recommended to me. I regularly watch Carpool (and I love them. Such a unique interview style) so it wasnt out of the blue. And wow. I was pretty much hooked. They were so freakin cute and funny. The songs were incredible! Tae was unbelievably handsome (I honestly would technically consider him my first bias… but sorry babe, that didn’t last long and you are pretty low on the list now 😬). But what really did me in was Jungkook’s vocals in “ON” and “Finesse”. I was stunned. He had the voice of an angel. To say I was obsessed with the Carpool was an understatement. I remember thinking that the one in the plaid was having so much fun at PlyoJam and was SO good at the body rolls. Makes sense now that our dance king was so incredible. I also remember thinking Jimin must be the top dancer if he is teaching. Still makes me a little mad that Hobi didn’t teach, but it is what it is. Anyways, I continued to watched their other videos from when they were on James Cordon and Jimmy Fallon for the rest of the night.

Then the next morning they were trending because they had their ON comeback at MCountdown. Someone tweeted (and I remember it so clearly) and said “Jungkook said his mic is ON” and it was the bridge from ON.

I watched that video a few times over and then went to something else on twitter. I couldn’t stop thinking about it that whole day, however. So then when I went to try and go find the tweet later because I wanted to watch it again (and duh they were still trending) I couldn’t find it. So I went with what clues I could find in the trend and I found it on YouTube. I screen recorded the bridge and that is the first thing that I have saved on my camera roll that is BTS.

These three things are what sold me. The Tonight Show, Carpool Karaoke, and a tweet singling out Jungkook's amazing voice. I couldn’t stop. I was watching performance after performance and I was enthralled. Their stage presence was insane to me. However, thats how deep it got. I told myself I couldn’t get obsessed and I couldn’t go to deep into it (I am a former One Direction stan. I suppose maybe that is some PTSD lol). I was only going to watch performances and listen to their music… well, four seasons of Bon Voyage, countless documentary movies and series, Bangtan Bombs, lives, and so much more content later, I’m an ARMY. So crazy that I didn’t accept it at first. I even asked twitter for help on good songs to listen to first because their discography is insane and I couldn’t figure it out. I did that instead of digging because I didn’t want to get in too deep (she says as she is now learning Korean. I’ve been told I have an obsessive personality).

So that’s all it was, performances and music. I couldn’t fall in love. The morning of March 9th, I woke up and saw some trend about Yoongi’s birthday and I remember saying out loud “Oh! It’s one of their birthdays?!” That was my first BTS birthday. Naturally he ended up being my bias and love of my life. But I never got to enjoy his birthday, because I tried to be nonchalant about loving them. I am SO pumped for his birthday this year!

To be honest, I am not quite sure what happened after that. It was such a blur. I think I just watched a lot of compilation videos for a month and I wanted to see what the clips were really from. Then I updated this Tumblr (on April 2nd, I checked) to a BTS tumblr (from an inactive One Direction account) and just started finding BTS blogs and I haven’t stopped since. I didn’t know much when I switched my username over, I just knew that I really loved them, hence idkijustlovebts.

In the last year I was here for Bangbangcon (the two day 12 hour youtube stream), D-2, the 7th festa (🥺 7), Bangbangcon Live, Map of the Soul 7-The Journey, Break the Silence series and movie, In the Soop, Map of The Soul ON:E, countless Run BTS episodes and vlives, record breaking singles and albums, Grammy nominations, and so so so much more.

I went from thinking Tae was scary because he had no reaction in flinch to realizing he is the most youthful and fun person (and has the best inner child). From thinking Namjoon was arrogant (!) for claiming to be the leader of the group because he spoke English (I’m an idiot, I know), but learning that is a thing in K-Pop and he is the sweetest boy who loves nature and art (and makes me appreciate it more). To learning the Hobi can go from being a literal ray of sunshine to the devil reincarnate in 2.2 when he performs (he's insane. Jimin too). From thinking that Yoongi was some cold, emotionless person to falling head over heels for that man because he is the softest, most caring person with a heart of gold that is full of passion for his music, and he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

So much has happened in the last year and they have been my comfort the whole way through. It is true what they say, “you found BTS when you need them the most”. I was very unhappy with my life last year. They gave me a reason to smile and a reason to wake up every day. They have made me feel so loved. A love I have never felt from a celebrity. It is so obvious how grateful and appreciative they are for ARMY and I am so unbelievably grateful for them. They are my comfort. They are my safe space. They are my whole world (re: my pinned post). I know if I am having a bad day, I can turn on any BTS content and have an instant mood boost.

I am so unbelievably grateful for the last year, and I can't wait to see what more BTS has in store for us for many many years to come because I will be along for the entire ride.

[raemots]

14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am.  Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life. 

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.