#I got a good endiiiiiing

[teaandinanity]

Me, gnawing off my own arm in frustration: FINE is there a cheat engine table for this--

Some divine genius, musing on the forums: I mean, the saves are totally comprehensible and you can open them with notepad++ if you just want--

Me, now enlightened: A thousand blessings on your house for averting the fury aneurysm I was dangerously close to, I'm going to make my character a tiny god.

[adhd-ahamilton]

Ughhhh I’m still not sure what to do about the endiiiiiing and this is such a bizarre position to be in because I was so SURE of the ending for so long and it was the one part that didn’t really change since my first version and that sounds like I should change it but I have no idea what else it could even be?? 

Like I guess I always pictured that like... there’s a tension all through the fic and there’s a very obvious and apparent explanation for it that is like, the standard explanation, but there’s also more to it than that, and I wanted to kind of lull the audience? into accepting the simple explanation but then you get to the end and ur like BOOM wow there’s so much more to this than you expected!! and maybe it kinda makes you wanna read back through it again or maybe it’s just obvious in hindsight but either way, there’s that pay off? (And also if you’re not familiar with history it probably goes in a wildly different direction at that point lol but I still have no idea if that would be positive or not...;;;;;)

But somehow in my draft I couldn’t just... give it that impact. Earlier in the fic I was legit engrossed, like wow I know how this ends but it’s still really enjoyable to read because it’s hitting the right emotional notes?? But at the end everything happens so quickly and I don’t think I’ve been able to guide the reader to the right notes at all... and maybe I just need to try and rewrite it but I’m worried that I’ve been too heavy on the foreshadowing and so now you get to the end and the characters just start saying in words what was obvious before and it’s like ‘oh okay well I guess this is the ending then :/’ But I don’t know if I want to get rid of the foreshadowing either... there’s always at least two parts to everything, there’s some good character moments that have come from some of that foreshadowing...

ughhhhh I want a second opinion but I’m in such two minds - it’s so rough that there are parts that I know just don’t flow well and need to be rewritten, something pretty simple, and I don’t want to show it to anyone in that state - if nothing else, how do I communicate which things I actually want advice on and which I know how to change? (and the idea of people seeing an obviously dumb scene and being like ‘hmm you need to change this’ is kind of mortifying lmfao like I swear I’m not THAT bad of a writer;;;;) BUT at the same time I always try to write from big picture zooming in?? And I’m at a point of like... making big changes, possibly even structural changes (though hopefully only the ending would warrant that... if I decide to change the foreshadowing though, teasing that out of the tangle of paragraphs is going to be sooo painstaking...), and it feels really dumb and pointless to be like... just taking random non integral scenes and rewriting the conversational flow??

IDK maybe it’s just that I wrote the emotional content of the ending scenes wrong. Maybe I rushed it. But writing John’s depressive arc in the second half was so hard and I was constantly convinced it was terrible but it... actually turned out all right i think?

ughhhhhhhh also I have a tendency to think that rewriting is impossible and bad until I actually start rewriting and then it’s immediately way better lmao. I’m just whining maybe......

Maybe I just.... need to forget about what I wrote and keep it in mind and wait til I can come up with another way to run through all of it? I’ve kind of almost done that a few times but then I always stop because I want to return to what I actually wrote and try to fix it. But maybe I should just copy everything into my notes document and start fresh. It feels unprofessional to just wait for inspiration lol but honestly half of this fic has been that lmao. Whole sections just got put on pause until I was bored one day and started thinking about it and it was suddenly so easy to imagine what should happen at that point.

mrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmr

(alsso NaNo is coming up in two months lmfaoooo so that’s a good a time as any to hitch to and pledge to do some editing then. wouldn’t mind that.)