#I finished watching supernatural last night and I am emotionally not ok

[muskegmonster]

Making Supernatural fan art in the year of our lord 2023

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

Missing Her - Part 4

Dean x Reader

Dean x Reader; Sam Winchester, Ellen Harvelle, Jo Harvelle, Jim (OMC), Ollie (OFC)

Series Summary: Dean is on the verge of going to Hell, and Sam is reaching out to an old friend who he thinks holds the key that could change Dean’s future. When they get reunited, a long kept secret comes out, that can’t stop him from going to Hell, but it changes everything for him when he returns. Seeking out the woman he loves and getting back what he lost, while still managing to stop Lillith from breaking the seals may be more difficult than he thinks.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Warnings: Language, Canon Divergence, mild violence

Words: 6.5K

Everything Tags: @kazosa // @sorenmarie87 //  @lefthologramdeer // @rockyhorrorpictureshowstyle // @his-paradox // @letsby 

Supernatural Tags: @wings-of-a-raven // @negans-wife // @grace-for-sale // @geeksareunique // @tiquismiquis // @mrsbarnes-rogers  // @teller258316 // @spnhollis // @sweet-things-4-life // @hobby27 // @sweetlythoughtfulbird // @theoriginalvicki // @dreamchester67 // @xxwarhawk // @babykalika2001 // @superwhovianfangirl81 // @toobusynerdfighting // @missihart23 // @crowleysreigningqueenofhell // @idreamofplaid // @thewinchesterchronicles  // @wayward-gypsy  // @closetspngirl // @fatestemptress // @rebelminxy  // @22sarah08 // @witch-of-letters // @cole-winchester // @rainflowermoon // @adoptdontshoppets // @foreverwayward // @waywardvalkyrie // @fandomoniumflurry // @gnrfanfic // @blackcherrywhiskey // @jessieray98  // @lyoly  // @a–1–1–3 // @31shadesofbrown // @whereismyangel-damnitdeanshare // @pilaxia // @screechingartisancashbailiff // @kgbrenner // @holylulusworld // @deansenwackles // @flamencodiva // @jamielea81 // @coffeebooksandfandom // @logical-princey // @gemini0410 // @salt-n-burn-em-all

“Missing Her” Tags: @woodworthti666 // @marvelfansworld // @mirandaaustin93 // @bunnybaby121115

*Tags are open for this series as well as SPN, send me an ask to jump on if you like!

**Banner created by me. Gifs used in fic are not mine.

Dean drove away, putting Jim’s house in his rearview mirror as quickly as he could. He checked on Ollie in the backseat a few times, and the girl never moved. She was huddled up against the rear passenger door, her knees drawn up into her chest, and her gaze transfixed out of the window. (Y/N) was pretty much the same way, except for her knees drawn up, and Dean was in awe at how much love and fear he had with both of them in mind.

“Hey,” he said and placed a hand on her knee. It was enough to break the spell and to look over at him instead. “You alright?”

“Physically, yeah, I’m fine. He more startled me than anything,” she said softly and stole a glance back to Olivia. “I hate that she saw it though.”

“What was wrong with him?” Ollie’s voice chimed in from the back. She finally moved, leaning forward in the middle of the seat. “Why did he do that to you, mommy?”

“He was mad at me, and he overreacted. I think your dad was having a bad day, and—”

“He took it out on you, again,” Ollie finished and leaned back in the seat.

“What? Again?” Dean asked sharply, looking back and forth between (Y/N) and the road ahead.

“No, it's not what you think. Relax,” she reassured him and turned around to face Ollie. “Can we talk about it tomorrow, Ol? Its been a long day, and I just kind of want to go home. Is that alright?”

Dean looked up in the rearview and saw her nod softly. When she settled back against the door, he cleared his throat to get (Y/N)’s attention.

“About going home… I think that’s not a great idea. I don’t like what just happened back there. I don’t trust that guy. He’s got a key to your house and he could show up at any time.”

“What am I supposed to do? Where do I go? He’s got partial custody of her, Dean. I can’t stop him from taking her.”

Dean looked thoughtful for a minute until an idea took shape in his head. “Road trip. Who’s up for a road trip?” he said loud enough for Ollie to hear.

“To where?” (Y/N) asked her expression a mixture of concern and surprise.

“Roadhouse. Go see Ellen and Jo. It’s been a while since I’ve dropped in. Hell, I don’t even know if she knows I’m topside again.”

“I can’t just pick up and leave. Ollie and school, I have work…”

“Alright. Tell me this. Who picks her up from school? You or Jim?”

“We alternate,” she sighed and realized his meaning. “And his day is Monday.”

“After that, you tell me… would he take her and run? Not return her to you?”

She turned and watched Ollie in the back seat lost in thought. When she turned back to Dean, she nodded slowly.

“Ok then. Call off work and tell school she’s sick. We’re going to Ellen’s.”

“Fine. I still need to go home first, though. You can stand watch if you want, but I need to pack some stuff for her.”

Dean nodded hesitantly. “Ten minutes, then we’re gone. Okay?”

(Y/N) sighed softly. “Ten minutes, and we’re gone.”

  Ollie just kept looking out of the window, watching the neighborhoods go by in a blur. Dean was driving fast, and normally, that would scare her. Not today. Today she was grateful that she was with someone who could drive fast. Her dad had scared her badly and the faster she could get away from him and the house, the better.

There was so much about grown-ups that she didn’t understand. They were always thinking, or angry, or sad. None of them could ever just talk to each other. She kept wondering why her dad had gotten so angry with her mom. Ollie wasn’t dumb, she knew it had to do with Dean, but she thought her dad would have been happy to know that her ‘bibiological’ daddy was a really nice guy.

Ollie couldn’t shake the way his face looked, either. When she walked into the house, his features were swollen, his skin looked like it had ash all over it and for a second, she could have sworn his eyes were almost black. She didn’t understand how that could be, but then she blinked, and he looked ok again. She was too curious as to where the dogs were, so she brushed it off at first, but the image wouldn’t leave her memory.

And what was that smell? She asked herself, when remembered walking into the tv room, excepting to see Max and Cody waiting, or at least on the other side of the sliding glass door. She couldn’t think of what it reminded her of, but certainly nothing she had ever smelled in her dad’s house before.

No sign of the dogs, either.

That’s when the voices got loud, and she knew they were fighting again. When she stepped back into the hallway, and her dad had her mom up against the door, she nearly screamed. She had this instant, horrible vision that Daddy Jim was going to snap her mother’s neck right in front of her.

That’s when Dean busted in, and they all noticed her standing there. She was frozen. Ollie wanted to run straight to her mom, but she was petrified to go past her father. When her mom finally was free and retrieved her, she didn’t know what to say to him except, ‘Night daddy’. Truth was, she didn’t want to ever call him daddy, again. Especially not with how badly he scared her.

Olivia saw Dean looking at her in the rearview mirror and gave him a crooked smile before looking back out the window. When she was sure he wasn’t watching anymore, she studied him from the corner of her eyes.

‘We have the same nose,’ she thought, ‘same color hair, too. I wonder if that means I’ll grow up to be like him.’ A lot of questions ran around her head about this guy that was suddenly thrust into her life. So many questions in fact, it was making her dizzy. But, he did say that he would stick around… maybe forever… so she had all the time in the world to get them answered.

She hoped.

 After Dean swept the house and gave you the all clear, you went upstairs and packed a few extra bags for the trip to the Roadhouse. It was a trip you made often enough, and already had a to-go bag ready for both you and Ollie, but you made sure to some of her favorite things. Part of you was excited to see Ellen again, it had been a long time since you’d spent any real quality time with her, or Jo. However, they were the closest thing you had to family, other than Olivia, so considering the situation with Jim, going there may be the best choice.

You found Ollie in her room, slowly sorting through a few of her favorite books. Her extra backpack was opened on her bed, and as you sat on the corner of the mattress, you peaked inside. Not surprisingly, you saw her favorite stuffed animal, two good sized plastic containers of Legos, her diary, pens and a box of crayons.

“Did you decide which book to take?” you asked softly, knowing she was struggling with the events of the evening.

She turned around slowly and held up the book Wings of Fire. Her love for dragons was endless, and the old paperback had been read and loved hard. Ollie tossed it into her backpack, along with her tablet and charger, before zipping it up.

“All packed,” she stated, her small nose wrinkling at the sting of tears you noticed in her eyes.

You opened your arms for her, and she felt into them immediately. “Aw, baby, come here.”

Olivia Kate, your very mature minded, intelligent, creative and beautiful daughter, cried in your arms as if she was a toddler again. She didn’t stop to think if anyone else could be watching as she had over the last year or so, nor did she try and explain why she was so upset. She didn’t have too. It was a day full of big surprises, though she was far older mentally and emotionally as her years would dictate, it was still a lot for her to handle.

You stroked her hair, now in a loose ponytail. Gently, you guided the scrunchie from her hair and lightly combed your fingers through it, like she used to ask you to do when she was little. It was calming for her, and after a minute or two her sobs stopped, and a tiny muffled sniffle came from her nose that was still buried in your chest. When she pulled back and looked up at you, her eyes were red and swollen, but there was the slightest hint of a smile on her lips.

“Thank you, mommy,” she sniffed and ran her sleeve under her nose, then noticed the large wet blotch on your shirt from her tears. “Guess we should both change our shirts before we go, huh?”

You couldn’t help but laugh at her. “Yes. We probably should. But before we do… are you alright? I know I said we’d talk tomorrow, but if you want to now, we can.”

She shook her head. “No, I’m okay. I’m just sad. Daddy scared me… his face scared me. Do you think he hurt Max and Cody?”

“No, why would he?” you asked. Yes, it had been odd the dogs didn’t greet her, but Jim would never, ever hurt them. They were loved as much as Ollie was.

“I don’t know. They didn’t meet me like always, and they weren’t in the tv room. I guess they could have been outside, but I didn’t hear them either.”

“Well, I’m sure they’re alright. How about I call Daddy tomorrow and check up on them? I’m sure he’ll call to see how you are, and I promise to ask him about the dogs, okay?”

“Okay,” she said and sat next to you on the bed, her small hands clasped together in her lap. “But… can you ask how he is, too?”

“You’re worried about him?”

“Mhm. He looked funny.”

You brushed a piece of hair away from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear. “How so?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “his face was funny… like, it just didn’t look right. And the house smelled funny.”

“I don’t remember smelling anything,” you said, your nerves starting to clench with the details she was giving you.

“In the tv room, it smelled like rotten eggs. Daddy doesn’t even like eggs. Do you think he ate some and got sick? That’s why he was being a dick?”

“Olivia,” you sighed, and fought the urge to laugh, “please don’t call him that. Even if he is most of the time.”

“Okay, sorry,” she said, and got up from the mattress. “But why was he?”

The decision to be as honest with her as you could was made years before. Always taking a pause to find a way to explain things as simply as possible, you tried to be upfront and yet, still delicate when it came to “grown-up” stuff. Olivia had handled a lot gracefully for a kid her age, and something in you always figured she inherited that from Dean.

Growing up the way he did, he had to roll with the punches and grow up well before he should have had to. You shielded Ollie from that life for the most part, allowing her to be a kid for as long as she could. Even still, she had the innate ability to handle tough situations almost seamlessly and you envied her for it.

“Well, that’s complicated, baby. The only thing I can really say for sure is that Daddy is upset with me. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel, but what was wrong was how he put his hands on me and was too rough.”

“I didn’t like that. Is it okay if I don’t go over for a little while?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Besides, we have a road trip, right? Excited to go and visit Aunt Ellen and Jo? I bet they will be soooo excited to see you!”

Olivia laughed and strapped her backpack on. “Yeah, I miss them. But, mommy…”

“Hmm?”

“Is Dean gonna live with us now?”

You opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, you stood up from the bed and opened up your hand for her to take. When she did, you started walking her towards the bedroom door and paused right before leaving the room.

“What would you think if he did?”

“It would be okay, I think. He makes me feel safe.”

You nodded. “He makes me feel safe, too, baby. That’s something we can worry about after the road trip, okay?”

“Okay,” she said and turned off the light before leading you out and closing the door.

  Within the ten-minute time frame, you made it back to the Impala with your bags, and house all locked up. It was just about dusk, leaving just enough light for there to still be people out and about in your neighborhood. Convinced Jim was going to pull up any moment, you were looking around apprehensively as Dean popped the trunk.

“Well, twice in one day! How lucky am I?” a voice called out from off to the right of the driveway.

Mrs. Pixley, from the library, was strolling down the sidewalk with a satchel full of books and an umbrella in her hands. When she got closer, she stopped to say a proper greeting to Ollie.

“Hello, Olivia. Long time no see,” she said and winked, making Ollie giggle.

“Hi Mrs. Pixley,” she said and turned back to look at you wearily.

“Oh, going on a trip?” the librarian asked when she noticed Dean loading the bags into the trunk.

“Um, yes, visiting family,” you replied and took Ollie by the shoulders, drawing her closer. “Taking a stroll?”

“Just walking home. Since the rain stopped this morning, figured I would save the husband a trip out. I only live up the road, don’tcha know?”

“Oh, I had no idea, actually,” you said, and felt a swell of relief once you heard the trunk close. To Ollie, “Why don’t you say goodbye to Mrs. Pixley and go get in the car, okay? We should get going.”

“Well, you all have a lovely trip,” she said, a plastic smile glued onto her normally sour-pussed face.

Dean made sure Ollie was secured in the backseat and gave you a confused look over top of the car. You shrugged with your expression and turned to give the older woman a cursory glance before getting in the front seat.

Backing from the driveway, you saw her still standing off to the side, waiting for the car to go by and waving all the while. Dean gave you another fleeting glance before driving away from the house.

“That woman creeps me the hell out,” he mumbled, putting it in gear and heading down the road.  

You nodded in agreement. “You’re not alone, there.”

 Once the Impala was out of view, Mrs. Pixley reached a hand into the satchel and pulled out a phone. Dialing, she waited until he picked up and growled a greeting.

“They just left. Had bags in the trunk saying they were going on a family vacation.”

She waited for her orders and when she received them all, she simply nodded. “Will do. On my way.”

Mrs. Pixley closed the phone and took a few steps towards the house Dean Winchester and his daughter just left from. If anyone had been watching from their windows, they would have seen the librarian in the driveway one second, a cloud of black smoke fly skyward from her mouth, then see the body drop to the ground, dead.

 Dean drove the few hours to reach Harvelle’s just around midnight. Ollie had long since fallen asleep in the back seat, and you nodded off shortly after. The lack of engine noise is what woke you as soon as Dean turned off the Impala’s ignition.

“Rise and shine,” he said and patted your knee. “We’re here.”

Groggily, you sat up and stretched until you saw the faint lights of the Harvelle’s Roadhouse sign in the nighttime fog. You gave him a wan smile and turned to check on Ollie in the backseat. She was laying down, head on her backpack and her jacket draped over her as a blanket.

“I should have brought her pillow and blanket,” you said absently and turned towards Dean. “Did we overreact, maybe? I mean—”

“No,” he said firmly, but softly as to not wake Olivia. “We didn’t overreact. Something wasn’t right there. I get he’s a dick—”

“We gotta stop that, Dean. She called him that before at the house. While she’s not wrong, I’d prefer if our eight-year-old-daughter didn’t go straight to profanity when describing her step-father.”

Dean rolled his eyes and relented. “Fine. I get he’s a jerk, and I don’t know him like you do, but something was very wrong there. The whole thing was just strange. He agrees to switch weekends, but then hours later suddenly changed his mind? Come on. I’ve known plenty of guys like that. He’s a control freak and he’s pissed, so he’s not gonna stop acting out till he gets what he wants.”

Dean’s assessment of the situation, and Ollie’s earlier details gave you that unsettled feeling again.

“Dean… Ollie was worried about him because she said his face looked weird. Then, she said the other room at his house smelled like rotten egg and was worried because the dogs didn’t greet her either. They always greet her. Always.”

You brought your gaze slowly up to meet his, and the same thought passed through both your minds at the same time. Only Dean was the one who had the balls to say it.

“You think he was possessed?”

You shrugged. “You’re the expert, here. I told you, I know the deal, but only in what I hear from Ellen and the hunter’s I’ve helped her stitch up. I’ve haven’t encountered so much as a ghost since I first met you on that job you worked a million years ago.”

The mention of your first meeting with Dean made him smile. “That was a hell of a case,” he mused, his focus momentarily lost and intent on you.

“Alright, focus up, Winchester,” you teased. “we can revisit that another time. Do you think he was?”

Dean considered it and eventually nodded. “With everything that’s going on right now, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Everything that’s going on…” you repeated, more to yourself than to Dean. In the events of the day, you had forgotten about Dean’s current battle with Angels and Demons. John Winchester’s long-ago words not rattled around in your memory, and you felt that sinking feeling in your gut.

There shouldn’t be any more Winchesters in this world, (Y/N). It will only lead to trouble for them. What we do, its not fit for any child to grow up in. I hate that my boys have had the kind of life they had, but that was my fault. Don’t make your child suffer like mine did. End it. Before something comes along and ends them.

“(Y/N)?” Dean called your name, bringing your attention back around. “Now who’s lost down memory lane?”

“I, uh, I’m fine. I think this is something we talk about tomorrow after a goodnight’s sleep. Speaking of, I should probably go in there, talk to Ellen first. Could you just stay here with Ollie?”

“Yeah, of course,” he agreed, though his expression told a different story.

“Just give me ten minutes, okay? I just need to sort of brace Ellen about you, and Jim… ten minutes?”

“Ten minutes,” he repeated, and leaned across the seat to kiss you.

His touch was reassuring, and his kiss made you feel invincible. No matter what was to come, you could face it confidently with him at your side. With one last peek at a sleeping Ollie, you stepped out of the Impala and made your way into Harvelle’s.

  The number of carts in the lot certainly didn’t prepare you for how many people were actually inside. You could hear the jukebox pumping out some Skynard, as a group of people from the rear celebrated something with clinking of bottles and a burst of cheers before you even stepped foot in the place.

Once inside, you felt like you were home again. The familiar smells of peanuts, old pine and beer filled your nostrils as you surveyed the room, trying to find Ellen in the midst of all the patrons. A flash of blonde hair bobbed and weaved through the table in the back, and you smiled upon realizing it was Jo, just as you saw Ellen’s head pop up from behind the bar.

Casually walking up to the bar, you reached into your back pocket and pulled out a ten-dollar bill.

“What’s a girl gotta do to get a whiskey in these parts?” you called out over the noise.

Ellen and Jo both looked up at the same time, ready to pounce on whomever was mouthing off. The moment Ellen realized that person was you, a huge grin broke out on her face. She took off her apron as she came out from behind the bar and tossed it aside before pulling you into a tight embrace.

“My girl is back!” she laughed and swayed you back and forth. “Damn, girl! I was startin’ to think I’d never see you again!” She pushed you back to arm’s length but left her hands on your shoulders. Taking in a long look of you, she drew in a deep breath and just shook her head. “Well, you look like shit. That ex giving you crap, again?”

“Oh, Ellen, I’m so grateful that some things never change,” you laughed and hugged her again.

“Well, hol-ly shit, look at what the cat drug in,” Jo chimed in from behind her mom, wiping her hands on her own apron. “We thought you fell off into domestic bliss and forgot about us.”

“Not for lack of trying,” you teased and gave Ellen a wink before moving on to hug Jo.

“So, what brings ya in?” Ellen asked, crossing her arms over her chest as she eyed you suspiciously. “And where is my ‘lil monster?”

“Well… about that, can we go somewhere quiet to talk for a minute? I can answer both questions at once, just maybe someplace where the walls don’t have ears, ya know?” you motioned towards the full bar of hunters, as the Harvelle women nodded, catching your meaning.

“Sure, honey, let’s go back to Ash’s room. He’s off in Vegas for a week, so its clear. Though, I can’t promise its clean.”

You smiled at the thought of Ash and motioned for her to lead the way.

  Knowing you only had about ten minutes, the second Ellen closed Ash’s door, you began explaining.

“So, you know how I always told you that Ollie’s real dad was a hunter, and that he was long gone?”

They glanced at each other hesitantly and nodded.

“Well,” you continued, “he sorta came back into my life last year. It was unexpected, and very brief, but long enough for me to tell him about her.”

“Wow,” Ellen breathed and sat down in the recliner near Ash’s bed. Jo didn’t react, she just remained quiet and leaned against the wall next to the chair.

“Yeah, well, the other night, he called and wanted to meet up to talk about seeing her. We did, and he finally got to meet her. Jim, didn’t take it very well.”

“I swear, if that asshole did or said anything—”

“Well, he did, but to me, not Ollie. He scared her though, and that’s why we’re here. She’s out in the car with her real dad now, sleeping in the back seat. I wanted to come in and talk to you first. There’s a lot more, but that’s the gist of it.”

“Alright,” Ellen started as she stood up from the chair, “well you know you can stay here, long as you want to. One of us can stay and close the bar, the other can take you and Ollie back to the house to get settled in. Now, what about this baby daddy of yours? He someone I gotta worry about?”

“No,” you said and felt a bout of guilt tugging at you for keeping the Winchester connection secret for so many years. “Shouldn’t be any problems. You knew his father; you know him, too.”

Ellen wrinkled her nose in thought, and started to shake her head slowly, as if trying to dislodge some clue that could tell her who it was. “Who?” she finally asked.

A knock at Ash’s door interrupted your answer and it pushed open before anyone could respond. An older guy’s face peaked in looking for Ellen.

“Hey, El, got some punk and with a little kid out here asking for you,” he complained, clearly put off that his good time was interrupted.

“Alright Clark, I’ll be right there,” she said and walked out of the room.

Jo followed, but you hung back for a moment, knowing who they would both find standing there. Finally, you left the back room and made your way to the front of the bar, where you found Ellen down on one knee and giving Ollie a big hug, and Jo, her hands at her side, her jaw slacked open and her gaze flickering between Dean and Olivia.

  There was an awkward silence that fell over the bar as you, Dean and Jo waited for Ellen to come back out of Ash’s room. After greeting Ollie, Ellen had closed down the bar early, promising everyone a free round the next time they stopped by. Once it was clear, she took Olivia to Ash’s room, and put on a movie for her to watch while falling back asleep.

When Ellen rejoined you, she looked suspiciously between you and Dean while placing out four glass tumblers and an unopened bottle of bourbon on the bartop.

“So, one of you wanna fill in the details I’m missing?” Ellen said while opening the bottle.

“We met a long time ago,” you started, glancing over at Dean and remembering the reason you had met. “My apartment building was haunted. John showed up at my door one day posed as an exterminator, said he was supposed to fumigate but I had to leave. So, I did. When I got outside, I saw some cocky-ass guy leaning against this cool old car, and he smiled at me as I walked by.”

“And you fell for it,” Ellen admonished with a playful roll of her eyes, pushing the tumblers of bourbon towards everyone.

“Hook, line and sinker,” you said and raised your glass.

“Just, stop. You loved it, don’t lie,” Dean replied and downed his own shot, letting his eyes linger on you.

“Alright, easy boy,” Ellen said, smacking his arm.

“Anyway, we started dating. Went on that way for a while, until, it ended.”

“And why did it end?”

“Why do you think?” Dean asked her with a tick of his head.

“John?”

“John Winchester,” he nodded and raised a second shot of bourbon before throwing it back.

Ellen nodded in understanding and shook her head. “That man, he just had a need to control everything. I’m so damn sorry, honey,” she said and squeezed your hand. “I wished you would’ve told me when you first came here.”

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t even think about John, because that meant thinking about Dean, and what I did to him.”

“What did you do?” Jo asked, finally adding her voice to the discussion. You worried about what you heard in it though. That question wasn’t just asking, it was accusing.

“I broke it off, harshly,” you admitted and gave Dean a sorrowful smile. “John scared me into believing I could die, and that if I had the baby, the baby would surely die. So, I took the envelope, that included your number, didn’t terminate as he instructed, and came here instead.”

Jo snorted in frustration and pushed her shot away. “I can’t believe all this time…”

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before,” Ellen said, sweeping her eyes across Dean’s features. “The more I look at him now, the more I see it. And you,” she said, punching Dean hard in the arm, “how DARE you not call me when you had your little resurrection. I had to hear about that from Sam!”

Dean rubbed at his arm where she hit him and scowled. “I know, I suck, alright? I’ve had a lot going on since I got back.”

“Too much to tell your damn family you’re alive?” she challenged.

“Fine, I’m sorry. I’m here now, and,” he paused, a look of love and pride filling his smile, “with my daughter. Can’t we just be happy about that?”

Ellen softened. “You’re right. This is one hell of a development, one that makes me real damn happy.” She refilled all the glasses and pushed Jo’s back towards her, before raising it to toast. “Here’s to reuniting families and enjoying the good things while we got’em.”

You watched Jo reluctantly raise her shot and drink it, but her mind was far away. You caught her glare more than a couple times and wondered why she was radiating such a chill towards you. Too tired and overwrought from the day, you pushed the thought aside for the time being.

“So, y’all gonna stay for a bit?” Ellen asked. “You can stay in Ash’s room for tonight. I don’t want to wake the ‘lil monster again. In the morning though, come back to the house, get cleaned up and you can settle in for as long as you need. I’ll make up your old room for Ollie.”

“Thanks, Ellen,” you said.

Dean cleared his throat and sat up straighter on his stool. “Sam’s meeting us here tomorrow. Bobby, too.”

“Impromptu family reunion?” Ellen joked, then saw the seriousness of Dean’s expression. “What now?”

“Oh, not much. You know, just your ordinary run of demon possessions,” he answered sarcastically. “There’s a lot to fill you guys in on, but honestly, it can wait till tomorrow. Would rather have everyone at one hundred percent, not five shots deep. Between what happened today and what’s been happening with me and Sam, I think we’re in an ‘all-hands-on-deck’ situation.”

Ellen crossed her arms over her chest and threw her head back with a throaty chuckle. “Well, look at you being responsible. Fatherhood looks good on you, Dean.”

Dean considered what she said and nodded. “You know, I think I could get used to it.���

  As the minutes rolled by, Dean, Jo and Ellen chatted a bit, but you just needed to gather your thoughts for a minute. After finishing the last of your bourbon, you wandered over towards the jukebox and plopped in two quarters. Lost in the shuffle of songs flipping by, you didn’t hear Dean approaching until he was right at your side.

“Find anything good?” he asked, leaning one hand on the top of it, and the other on the small of your back.

“Just browsing,” you said, inhaling the hint of his aftershave mixed with the bourbon on his lips. “Anything you want to hear?”

Dean cleared his throat and leaned in closer to see the songs listed, while the hand that had been lingering on your back, slowly lowered itself to your ass. “Let’s see.”

As his eyes scanned the choices, he found one he was happy with and plugged in the number for it. A second later, he punched in a second code, but shielded his hands so you couldn’t see his choices. Once the music began to play through the speakers, he took your hand and pulled you away from the jukebox.

“Drive” by The Cars started playing, the memory of the song, and the bourbon were making you sentimental. You leaned into Dean and put your arms up around his neck, resting your cheek against his chest. He didn’t exactly move you to dance, but he held you against him and absently swayed slowly, closing his eyes and resting a chin to the top of your head. He held you that way for the length of the song, neither of you talking, just moving slowly to the music and holding each other.

When it was over, he moved back slightly as the second song kicked in, some Allman Brothers tune you couldn’t recall the name of. But right then, your focus was on Dean.

“Long day, huh?”

“Certainly, didn’t expect to wake up at your house, just to end the day at Ellen’s bar,” he said. “But yet, here we are.”

“I think they took the news well, don’t you?” you asked, looking over your shoulder at where Ellen and Jo were. They were sitting close and talking and must have felt your gaze on them. Ellen gave you a sweet smile and raised her tumbler in your direction. Jo just glared at you. “Well, at least Ellen did. Jo, maybe not so much.”

“She’ll come around. Jo and I, we got a history,” Dean said, then realized how it must have sounded. “Not like, our history, nothing like that. We worked a couple jobs together, and when Ellen found out, she was pissed. Then later on when Sam was possessed and went after Jo, I ditched her to go after him and never called her like I said I would.”

“Men. You never call when you say you’re gonna,” you tutted, and he just gave you his ‘oh, really?’ look.

“I just mean if, she doesn’t seem onboard, that’s why.”

“Maybe,” you said, and fighting off the urge to look their way again. “I hope that’s all it is.”

“Hey guys,” Ellen called out, “we’re gonna head out. I’ll lock up behind us, help yourselves to whatever and come on by the house tomorrow mornin’. Tell the ‘lil monster I’ll have chocolate chip pancakes waiting.”

You made your way back to them and hugged Ellen. “Thank you, El. She’ll be very excited.”

“Get some sleep, you two. Seems like tomorrow could be a good, long day.”

Dean waved goodnight and you watched them both leave the bar, double checking the locks behind them. You shut down most of the lights, leaving only the soft backlighting of the bar, and the neon tubes of the jukebox to illuminate the room. When you went to rejoin Dean, he was leaning against the pool table, stripped down to the black t-shirt and jeans he had on from that morning. He looked tired, but still happy; his eyes dreamy and watching you approach him from across the room.

“Hey,” you said as you got closer, but instead of going towards him, you walked around to the otherside of the pool table. “Wanna play?”

Dean turned, his gaze following you around the table. You rolled the eight ball so it rebounded off one of the bumpers and down towards where he stood. He picked up the ball and tossed it up, catching it with ease.

“What’s the bet?” he asked, watching you carefully.

You shrugged. “Your call.”

“Well, considering that this is only the second night we’re together after years, really, and I’ve had about five shots of bourbon, all I can think of is really inappropriate things to suggest. And, considering our kid is asleep in Ash’s room maybe we should hold off, and actually get some sleep. Ellen was right, tomorrow could be a long day.”

“Wooow,” you cooed and rolled another ball down the felt. “Ellen was right, you are being all responsible and whatnot. What happened to my reckless, rule breaking, bad boy?”

Dean blushed slightly and laughed, casting his eyes to the ground. “I guess he became a father and decided to get his shit together.”

“It does look good on you, you know. Makes me really wish I could go back in time. Tell your father to fuck off and then we could’ve run away and raised her together.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that. You’ll drive yourself crazy. We can’t change it, right? Ollie knows everything now, and so do I. As for you and me, well…” he trailed off and shrugged.

Your heart started to pound. “Well, what?”

“I meant what I said last night, and today. I’m here, I’m not leaving you, and I certainly am not going to let you push me away again. Its probably selfish as hell, but no matter what comes, we got each other. I will keep you and Olivia safe, I promise.”

“I know you will, Dean, and so does Ollie. She told me today that she feels safe with you. The way she took to you, I’ve never seen her like that with anyone.”

Dean swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. The expression on his face seemed pained, but when you closed the gap between you, you saw a little smile and wetness around his eyes.

“Aw, baby, I didn’t mean to make you sad—”

“You didn’t,” he said, caressing the side of your face. “Just the opposite. You, and Ollie… probably the best things that ever happened to me. Knowing you both trust me to keep you safe, and that you’re here…” he scowled to fight back the tears and finally just allowed a few to fall, “well, makes me realize that every second I spent in Hell was worth it, if it meant I got to come home to you guys.”

Dean kissed you. It was the first time he’d done so in a while that day, and you returned it greedily. So many years to make up for, so many nights you had missed sleeping by his side; you silently vowed then to never let another night pass where you didn’t kiss him and tell him you loved him.

“Come on, let’s get go check on Ollie and get some sleep,” he said, regrettably prying himself away from you. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and walked you towards your accommodations for the night.

As you laid down with him that night, Ollie softly snoring between you, you shared a silent moment with them both that meant more than another other up until that point.  Dean brushed the hair back from his daughter’s forehead and left a slight kiss on her hairline.

“I love you, Ollie,” he rasped, then looked back at you with more love and admiration that you though you’d ever see in him and mouthed the words, ‘thank you.’ 

Part 5 - Coming Soon!

[thegeminisage]

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly 

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

WE

ARE

SO

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too) 

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO 

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING! 

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was