#I feel so dysfunctional and incapable of anything

[rantceratops]

-sigh-

I’m just.

Feeling very not okay again.

I’m so upset and sad and frustrated with myself. I don’t know what to tell my therapist that I haven’t at least five times already.

-curls up under blankets and never comes back out-

[bitchthefuck1]

you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.

There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.

[g0ry-gh0ul]

oh 10 hours screen time were really in it now…..

[peachiekeaneart]

(feat. my actual mobility aids and my actual medications)

ramblings under the cut:

been working on this one since July. I don’t often make art that is extremely personal or intimate bc I’m a clown. However this one is very important to me.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am (and kind of always have been?) disabled. I struggle with so much - jobs, learning, daily pain and fatigue, mental illness, emotional regulation, dysfunctional eating, trauma - and on top of it all, I struggle with imposter syndrome. Sure, I seem to struggle more than the average person, but what if im accidentally making it all up?

For about as long as I can remember, I have been told to suck it up or muscle through it or to tough it out. So I did. I tried this for a long ass time. frankly a looney tunes amount of time.

As it turns out, when your shit is chronic, there’s no such thing as breaking through to the other side. You can’t get over it like a cold. I’m not trudging through a temporary rough patch of mud towards a smooth, paved sidewalk that I can see just a few feet away. The idea of a Promised Land where my one and only brain and body on this god forsaken earth just ~functions normally~ is a damn lie, a mirage on the desert horizon. It’s a beautiful trick that’s used against me to make me push myself beyond my limits.

And like a good little fool, i fucking fell for it, over and over again, for a literal decade, without anything to show for my journey. Not only am I just as far away from this Promised Land as I ever was, but years of overextending and overworking myself has yielded nothing but more injuries, more stress, and more insecurities.

So I made this colorful little piece. It has 100 bespoke layers and took me a grand total of 30 hours to complete. My meds look like candy because I love taking them. I’m in my comfy clothes even though they don’t always reflect my gender accurately. I display my wrist brace and my cane without guilt. For this one, I actively disregarded Art Rules in favor of following whatever was pleasing to my eye.

This one is for me, exactly the way I am: I am a mess, I care too much, I have no chill, I’ve got big feelings, and I’m incapable of half-assing anything no matter how much I want to. This is my way of honoring everything I’ve muscled through, regardless of how privately or publicly I did so. It’s a reminder to myself.

Anyway. tl;dr this baby contains multitudes *slaps it like the hood of a car*

[thewebcomicsreview]

hey, just wanted to say thanks for the rec for Cat Girl. it is the best kind of extremely uncomfortable! but it's got me musing on your note about the relevance of the cat girl element itself. I agree that it is depicting an abusive relationship, but it's clear that Peter is completely incapable of perceiving that that's what it is, because he's so far down a deeply screwed hole of ideology. (continued in a sec, hang on-)

- so Peter is the way he is because he has accepted a series of small explanations for the things in his life as seeming accurate, that has stacked up into a deeply dysfunctional worldview that he's too deep into to question at all. so I think the Literal Government Issued Cat Girl is very much a metaphor for a society-level case of "you don't question your own idea of normal". rather than address the root of the problem, a wildly unethical bandaid has been slapped on it. in other words; Peter doesn't question that his ideas are correct, when they're obviously very skewed. but the society that gave him Andi doesn't question that it is normal for people to get this twisted up in an effort to make sense of the world. of COURSE there are internet chuds, people like Peter existing is "normal". and in the process of just accepting that some people are unsalvageable, innocent people like Andi get hurt, and that's just "normal" too. Peter isn't unfixable. it's clear he could be better, WANTS to be better, because he is straight up miserable. but he doesn't consciously know that, or how to start. the decision that some people are just fundamentally screwed up and there's nothing anyone can do about it doesn't just hurt him, it lets him hurt the people around him. Andi is, metaphorically, everyone else being tossed under the bus alongside Peter by the simple act of treating him like he's just inherently a shitty person.

Man, this is a long ask! If I were the author of Cat Girl, I'd be honored to see someone spend so much time thinking about it. But I don't think I agree, exactly.

Peter wants to "be a good person", yes, but his understanding of what a "good person" is is completely self-centered. Him calling Andi "Yua" while talking over her trying to explain that she does in fact have a name is obviously establishing him as a douche, but it's also worth noting that "Yua" is a Japanese name. He's thinking of her as an anime waifu and not a person (or, given the first results when I google "Yua", a porn star, but maybe it's a Breath of Fire 2 reference)

And while he falls into depressive self-loathing after she complains about not having a change of clothes, his internal monologue is entirely about himself. At no point, ever, does Peter even consider that Andi has feelings or is anything other than a reflection on him.

When he locks her in a closet, his most overtly abusive act, he starts crying because he feels bad about what a bad person he is, but even while he's crying he's simultaneously blocking the door, which is a very literal depiction of their relationship. His angsting about being a good person is not his way out of the problem, it is the problem. He never even once considers being nice to Andi because she'll like it, it's entirely "I don't want to force her to have sex with me (because that would make me feel bad), but maybe if I'm nice to her she'll initiate the sex". And he doesn't even care about the sex itself, just the implicit validation of being Confirmed Good By A Girl.

Peter is the way he is because his morality is entirely self-centered. Andi is a way for him to prove his morality to himself (well, try to and fail), not an actual person whose feelings he's ever considered except for if she hates him or not. That's what makes him such an interesting villain, he keeps concocting a story in his head where he's the poor sweet babu trying his best and never stops doing that to let his girlfriend out of the closet.

[ficzhub]

The Foreign Woman

Aemond Targeryen x Older Myrish OC (Alexyse Majeríz)

Part 2:

✨✨✨✨

CW: hurt/comfort, beginnings of obsession, dysfunctional family, mother issues, comforting a child as an older child kinda, bloody injury (he just lost his eye), duplicitous OC.

*******

A/N: I couldn’t get this idea out of my head. No real editing. Blah. Also English isn’t my first language, plz have some mercy Jajaja.

*******

Summary: “She wasn’t meant to leave the poor little Prince with such a lasting inpression…”

*******

Alexyse is never more grateful and appreciative of the skills her parents imbued in her, as well as The Red Fingers, than when she's pretending to work in the castle as a maidservant. The tedium alone is enough to drive her mad, what's stopping her is her actual assignment. Not as violent as her parents' usually are, just gathering intel on the Hightowers and their children, but certainly more interesting than what she'd be doing without her nepotistic, less-than-legal employment. Until recently the only mildly interesting thing she'd done was make lye lavender soap and accept fresh milk from the boy ranch hand vying for her attention, if not more. She's only 17, three years early to have taken her first mission. She should feel proud, and thankful, that they're giving her the opportunity to prove herself early, for some assignments at least. They believe she can handle the task with all the subtlety and patience it takes.

What helps her the most is her memory, she can't write a single thing she hears or sees down, so she has to be sure to burn every detail she can in her brain and blend into the wait staff while she does. They won't tell her who exactly hired them, and likely won't even after she completes her duties. But all she's been made privy to so far is that Prince Aegon seems to have nothing better to do most of his days than abuse himself, given the state of his linens and bed clothes. Queen Alicent is almost certainly bedding the knight Cole, but anyone with basic observational skills could see that. If they think they're hiding anything, she fears for the realm. That poor Princess Helaena needs friends, especially if she's to wed that pathetic Aegon. He's 13 years old and all he does is fornicate, touch himself, drink and torment others, including his siblings.

They won't stop talking about how Princess Rhaenyra was a whore for having "plain-looking" bastards, she can't help but laugh at how no one but they seem to care. It never made sense to Alexyse to use the patrilineal line instead of matrilineal, you'll never doubt who gave birth but the seed could be anyone's. She misses Myr, misses her bed, most of all she misses the running water and the plumbing in Essos. Nothing disgusts her more than when she found out they still use chamber pots here. No one should be subjected to having to clean something like that out, regardless of their station.

Today is a softer day, for unfortunate reasons. Lady Laena Velaryon died, they're all there for her funeral. She's using the chance to properly search through the castle unencumbered by the usual amount of people living and working here. So far, all she knows is that the king is a very interesting leper. She always wondered why her mother chose such a slow acting poison to coat the throne's blades with, but that's her mission, not Alexyse's. The king's chamber's were more mess than could be comfortable for the aging, sickly man. Still, she cleaned as she searched for any useful information, desperately hoping for any secrets she could gain about these hypocrites. The only thing she found was a letter from Princess Rhaenyra admitting the father of her sons was Ser Harwin Strong and how she was thankful his grace didn't care. Ser Laenor never laid with her, seeing as he's 'incapable.'

"He's an idiot." She thinks to herself and steals away the letter to burn later. She's not sure who she works for but she's sure they wouldn't want this in the wrong hands.

The day past and the family and their immediate servants got back that night, suspiciously quiet and not even bothering to eat the dinner they'd demanded be ready for them upon return. They all went to bed without so much as a glance toward the food that had been freshly made for them specifically.

She followed the directions given to her by the steward and cleaned up the untouched plates of the children, as that was technically all she was supposed to be in charge of, then go up to the children's chambers and prepare their sleep. Get them their tea, their dental cloths and pastes, their sleeping clothes and their linens. Aegon's was the unpleasant endeavor she figured it would be, Helaena looked lonely as she always did but very nice to her and all the lady's maids.

She wasn't expecting to see what she saw when she entered Prince Aemond's chambers. There he was, a little boy of ten. Not looking princely or arrogant like his brother, but scared. He looked up at her surprised, covering most of his body with his old bed linens and cowering. What shocked her was the angry, red, stitched up scar on the side of his face and over his left eye. She stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. She knows she should play her part, in this case what should be an apologetic, scared lady's maid and excuse herself. Perhaps alert his mother of his distress, but something tells her if he felt safe going to her, that's where he'd be.

In this moment she didn't feel like a member of The Red Fingers, she felt like a woman looking down at a little boy who's clearly scared and sad and who no one's bothered to comfort. He threw something at her, something soft and screamed at her to leave but she just stood there. She put the things she was meant to bring up here, tea tray, fresh bedding, etc on a table and closed the door behind her and locked it. She took off her filthy over-dressing, got into bed with the boy and took him in her arms against her chest.

"How could someone just leave you here, alone, after something like this has happened to you?" She asks out loud, quietly, not bothering with the titles and pomp.

He quickly relaxed in her arms and continued crying, only vaguely noticing her strange accent and drenching her undercoat in his tears.

Until a few minutes ago, he felt victorious. His face aches and burned despite the maester's ointments, but he claimed Vhagar, the biggest dragon alive. After years of mocking and snide comments from his bastard nephews and idiot brother, he claimed her. Flying back here on her had given him a high like nothing else.

It wasn't until he saw himself in the mirror that it dawned on him, entirely by himself in his chambers, that he's completely disfigured and he'll never see properly again.

How come he was the only one who had to pay this price for a dragon? Even Aegon bonded to Sunfyre without any real effort, Helaena as well. Why only him? It's not fair.

Despite knowing better, he didn't feel repeled by the young woman comforting him, rather the opposite. He longed for this kind of coddling from his own mother, but despite her grand show of motherly devotion earlier that day, once they'd come back home she was as cold to him as she always was to all of her children. But here this maid was, holding him as he cried as the queen was supposed to be doing, stroking his head and his back as he cried like an infant. He didn't even know her name, or why she spoke so differently, but she was giving him more solace than anyone else ever had.

As he felt more sobs escape his chest, he played with her dark hair. It fell over her chest and covered his pale hand in her ebony. He noticed how she smelled, of citrus and some spice he hadn't had before and it warmed him. He pressed his face into her neck harder, trying to memorize the scent, not caring it made the pain in his face worse.

"Should I get you milk of the poppy, sweetheart?" She asked, still not using his proper title and for some reason, he wasn't upset by that. Her refusal to call him "my lord" or "my prince" and instead calling him a pet name actually pleased him. He felt soothed, in her protective arms and tender tone.

"No," he muttered "just stay, please."

*******

Likes, reblogs, and comments plz plz plz plz I love them so much 🥹

[donnerpartyofone]

This morning I went over to the church to see my favorite guy, who is so often surprising and challenging. He seemed a little out of sorts today, stammering and losing his place; I sometimes worry about this old guy, and I was paying attention. Then at the end of the mass he said that they're having air quality problems in the rectory and the EPA is involved. I hope he's not getting brain damage!

It was sort of funny, though, because the homily was about having trouble focusing--not being able to concentrate, and having anxiety about the future. That was pretty relevant to me, medically and otherwise. I'm writing this on the morning of the new moon, just to be extra flaky, about how much trouble I have forming goals.

Pursuing goals is also hard, but step one should be having a vision, and that's the really impossible part. When I was a little kid I had two ambitions: to be a writer, and to be dead. The latter thing represents one of the main motivating forces in my life, which is pain avoidance. I think this is the chief motivator of many people without them even realizing it; comfort-seeking itself can be a form of pain avoidance. Pain avoidance is not a legitimate goal, it's more of a reflex, and it can become a preoccupying distraction from any kind of actual ambition (especially as fulfilling ambitions often involves some amount of discomfort). Focusing on what you do not want is not equivalent to focusing on what you do want.

I never had a very good idea of what I want. I found this out when I went into therapy as an adult; I couldn't formulate any notion of what I wanted out of life. I couldn't even come up with any masturbatory, pie in the sky fantasies. I might vaguely be able to say something like "a bigger, nicer apartment", but I can't come up with any compelling ideas about what that would even look like. I try, but I know I'm faking it. Certainly part of my interest in religion and occultism is the idea that I could train myself to really clearly conceptualize any kind of goals or desires. In the case of occultism specifically (and, let's be honest, many forms of self-help), visualization is always a key element. In recent years I learned that I am abnormally incapable of forming mental images, and I have come to believe that this is intimately connected to my inability to figure out what I want or how to get it.

Nearly all of my thinking is verbal. I found out what aphantasia was while talking to my dad, who is extremely visual with an excellent grasp of spacial relations (something I have almost no concept of). He was shocked when I said I can't really picture anything, asking me "Then how do you do anything?" He said when he decides to make a sandwich, for instance, he automatically sees himself performing the actions of sandwich-making, and sees the aspirational sandwich in his mind's eye. Visualizing is essential to his entire executive process. It so happens that I am aphantasic and I have a lot of executive dysfunction. I no longer think this is coincidental.

(I'm also very faceblind, and I think this is connected; something to do with the ability to reconstitute a visual memory and relate it to something that is presently in front of me. But anyway...)

Perhaps oddly, I am an artist, or at least I have been. But I've never been able to draw from my imagination, like at all. The best work I've ever done is all swipes; I am a great believer in swipes, it can reveal a lot about your personal style and obsessions and when you re-draw someone else's art. But I can't just sit and think up something fun to draw, even when I try to just doodle I'm usually responding more to the lines I see emerging on the paper than anything I'm thinking or feeling. I think this is related to the fact that I'm an obsessive scopophile; I take in a lot of detail from my environment, and I watch movies with the same attitude and frequency with which most people listen to music. Recently I started to joke that I have an image deficiency and that's why I have to consume huge amounts of visual media, I need the external infusion. But like, it's not that much of a joke, maybe.

In my 30s I randomly developed this condition where scar tissue grows over your corneas, and I had to have a series of freaky eye surgeries. My doctors always asked if I grew up somewhere warm and sunny and windy, if I do a lot of outdoor sports (sometimes this condition is called "surfer's eye"); I thought this was pretty funny since I couldn't be more of an indoor kid, although maybe cycling is somewhat at fault. Still, my preferred diagnosis is that I watch so much trashy and violent crap that it literally scars my eyes. It's as good an explanation as any! And it does have this weird synergy with my other visual problems.

Anyway, it's not as if I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Quite a few personal achievements piled up in just the last couple of years; certainly I've benefited a lot from luck and the good will of others, but nothing would have happened without my own creativity and commitment. I just wish I had more, you know. Vision. I spend too much of my life "taking one day at a time" and waiting for things to happen to me, assuming I don't have much control over my experiences. I'd rather be able to imagine something that I want to happen and act on it; regardless of whether the thing is going to happen, I'd like to be able to formulate a goal other than paying the rent, or like, not waking up and going to sleep in a state of stark terror. I'm not sure how to get myself to that place, but maybe saying that that's what I want can count for something.

Anyway here are some photos of the thoughtfully planted shrubbery from the church. I missed the full bloom of the weeping cherries, but as soon as they die off the shrubs below turn bright red, pink, yellow, and white. It's pretty inviting I must say.

[akajustmerry]

btw idk if it's comforting or anything but btw was just reading some of ur posts and ive never rly dated anyone (unless u count a very brief online 2 week thing). And I personally struggle a lot with some issues around feeling a lot or guilt and shame and paranoia around intimacy in general which sucks. But it's rly nice to see people talk abt finding love later in life. I'm 27 now and it's hard feeling like you're missing out and also inexperienced or incapable. I also love seeing romance with kind of dysfunctional characters who are over 30 or 40 and finding connections. And I hope you find the romance you want and that when you find it it will be fun and exciting and wonderful. <3

this is so lovely, thank you for saying this. I'm 29 and like I said it's a relief to know you're not the only one who feels this stuff! and I wish you find the very same love someday when you're ready ❤️

[neversetyoufree]

What are your thoughts about Vanijeanne and Dominoé? A lot of people think that they’re forced and have no chemistry whatsoever, especially with Vanijeanne. As a Vanoé shipper, I don’t really mind Vanijeanne but I see a lot of people who are annoyed at that ship. Could you give your perspective on this discourse?

Y'know anon, generally speaking my opinion on anything that can be labeled "shipping discourse" is "I am an adult woman with a job and thus physically incapable of caring about this." It takes a lot for me to find other people's shipping habits actively annoying, as I mostly just. ignore and/or block anything that I'm personally not into.

My personal thoughts on shipping are also colored by the fact that I have a somewhat uncommon relationship to the concept. My engagement with fandom has become extremely focused on analysis rather than transformation in the past few years. I am much more hung up on focusing on canon and canon only than I think a lot of other people are. My opinion on Vnc ships is mostly defined by "do I think they're attracted to each other in canon?" which I realize is not how everyone else picks their favorite romances.

I suppose my take on DomiNoé is that I don't ship them, but mostly that's just not really the context in which I think about their relationship. My read on canon is that Domi's crush on Noé is unrequited. I don't think he's shown evidence of being attracted to her, and I also think it would really undermine the amusement park arc's thematic beats if it turned out Domi's jealousy of Jeanne was "justified." I wrote way more about this previously.

I love Domi and Noé's relationship. I find it tragic and fascinating, and there's a lot of love between them. Given the physical/blood aspect of their whole thing, they're like, super close friends with benefits in which one of the friends is madly in love with the other. And also the one that's in love is deeply traumatized and mentally ill and obsessed with not being a burden to the other guy. And the one that's not in love is compulsively unable to recognize both the crush and the trauma. I could write about their weird-ass bullshit forever. How could you say they don't have chemistry?

However, I'm aware that "I think Noé's feelings are platonic and I love digging into their tragic dysfunction" isn't generally what a person means when they say they "ship" DomiNoé. So like, I dunno man. My relationship to their whole thing is kinda separate from the concept of shipping. I'm just here to watch the toxic drama.

And on the VaniJeanne end it's like. Their relationship is a whole complicated can of worms that I cannot begin to get into properly in this post. They're toxic they're in love they're doomed to fail they're each other's parallels. Whether I "ship" them depends heavily on your definition of ship.

Do I want the series to end declaring Vanitas and Jeanne as true love and Vnc's one true couple? No. Do I seek out fanworks about their relationship? Generally no. Do I think their canon relationship is healthy or all unambiguous romance? No. But do I find their whole thing really fascinating? Absolutely.

VaniJeanne is a relationship that starts with an extremely non-consensual kiss. That instance of assault is then followed by multiple scenes of Vanitas goading Jeanne into yet more physical intimacy/sexual contact that she very much claims on the surface not to want. And that, kids, is what we might call sexual harassment and coercion. That is not a foundation that you can build a healthy relationship on.

Furthermore, I will admit that I find it really unsettling when a certain small subset of VaniJeanne fans cannot admit that the non-consensual scenes between them are what they are. Back when the anime was first airing, I saw a lot of people new to the series start talking about how much they shipped them after episode three, when their only romantic interaction was the forced kiss. And I suppose that's my most discourse-y opinion about this whole thing, because I do not like people who cannot tell when something is meant to be a depiction of assault.

I realize that Mochijun abruptly changes tones to comedy during/right after the kiss, but still. I do think uncritically romanticizing that moment speaks to a pretty striking lack of media comprehension. The entire point of that scene (the hostage plan, the kiss, the dhams' commentary, etc) is the reveal that Vanitas is a freaky little asshole (affectionate).

However! Their relationship doesn't stay purely in this realm of exclusively non-consent. They evolve during the date and Gévaudan, and as of my writing this (hello post-57 hiatus), their whole thing has gotten more complex. I think Jeanne is getting a lot out of having Vanitas there for her at this point, and Vanitas is starting to treat her more like a person rather than a prop to bounce his trauma responses off of. I can't say much more about it because I frankly just haven't unpacked everything from more recent VaniJeanne yet. I haven't worked out what to make of it besides that it's compelling and bizarre.

Anyway, if you want my more specific thoughts on VaniJeanne stuff, you can read more about why I think Vanitas kissed her in the first place and why I think the violation of consent motif kinda works for Jeanne and her story. The lack of consent itself is absolutely serving a purpose in both their stories.

VaniJeanne are two deeply damaged people using one another to cope with their respective traumas and illnesses, and it's wild and fascinating and very often (though not always) unhealthy as hell. I don't think "forced" is at all the right word to describe their whole thing. But at the same time, I do find uncritical romanticization of their more questionable moments eyebrow-raising at best.

At the end of the day, like I said, I just don't know if "do you ship them?" is the best lens to ask this question through. I probably don't, by most people's definition, since I'm cheering for endgame Vanoé, but that doesn't mean their relationship isn't interesting as hell. And even I have to admit that I find some of VaniJeanne's later and fluffier moments genuinely sweet and fun.

VaniJeanne and DomiNoé aren't my preferred picks for endgame romances, and I don't personally tend to seek them out in fanworks. And at least in DomiNoé's case, I don't think canon supports a mutual romance. But that doesn't mean I find their relationships annoying or have anything inherently against people who have them as their preferred ships. I think talking about VaniJeanne responsibly takes a bit of care and nuance, given how much their relationship deals with the violation of autonomy and consent, but that doesn't mean I'm, like, against people shipping them.

They're the closest VnC currently has to an official couple, and I am, as established, obsessed with canon. By definition I cannot disregard them.

Also, like I said at the beginning, I tend to just block anyone that I see with a particularly bad take and then move on with my life. Aside from being a bit startled when I occasionally come across, like, some real weird pro-vanijeanne-assault youtube comments or whatever, I devote very little mental space to "shipping discourse"

[skinnypaleangryperson]

I feel like it's become a technical fact for me at this point that I'm incapable of relationships. I was isolated from pretty much everyone if not literally everyone by the time I graduated college once everyone got to know me, same thing with the one guy where I had a mutual relationship and I've had maybe two friends in my life were the same thing happened eventually. I've been so alone the entirety of my adult life with nothing but toxic brainwashing celebrity culture that has been the most loveless inhuman thing alive that makes me manic every day of my life with anger and has made me a fool on the internet because of emotional regulation I cannot control.

I'm alone every day of my life and the days have become so meaningless that they're quite literally blurring together and my brain is nothing but slob trying to process it. I don't know what to do. Everybody in America doesn't care about anything, not even their own family that they're forcing to stay alive like my parents with me for example, except for celebrities on flashing TV screens who are nothing but selfish narcissists with their power that they will never even meet. It's so dysfunctional and inhuman and I'm totally and utterly alone with my projects creativity perspective philosophy and it's becoming intolerable.

[dazedpuppydairies]

When you're an ADHDer it feels like everyone only sees when you mess up. I experience really impairing executive dysfunction do to AuDHD and a cluster of other things like, anxiety, depression, OCD, trauma. I try my best to cope with it so it doesn't negatively affect others. Even when I'm trying my best I still struggle with impairing executive dysfunction though. In my experience people don't seem to think you're trying. I know it must be frustrating to exist with someone with really bad executive dysfunction who struggles to do "simple tasks". At the same time I wish people could be more understanding. Believe it or not it's also extremely frustrating for me. Also despite what you may think I'm not intentionally trying to inconvenience you. I can't express how much energy it takes for me to do "simple tasks", but no one sees that. People don't understand why I'm constantly fatigued because I, "don't do anything". Even when I've clearly communicated I struggle with something most people won't acknowledge when I'm doing well because I'm just, "acting normal" and they believe that should be my default. The moment I slip up or am doing badly though, of course I'm going to hear about it. The criticism is also rarely constructive so it feels like people are just constantly putting me down rather than trying to push me up. In my experience this becomes incredibly upsetting and after a prolonged period of time creates an unhealthy relationship with criticism. Others are often uninterested in helping and understanding what's going on. When others do offer help they regularly get upset if you tell them you've already tried or are already utilizing the often generic advice they give. I'm constantly told I'm not trying or that I'm being dismissive for just informing others I'm already doing something they suggested. Others often think if something worked for them it should work the same for someone else, but everyone's different. It also goes back to this thing where some people are incapable of understanding someone else might be more disabled than them. Anyway criticism absolutely doesn't have to be a bad thing constructive criticism is a good thing, but others often aren't kind and constructive in my experience. I've gotten so tried of being judged and criticized for everything I do. If you're an ADHDer and feel like everyone only sees when you mess up, I see you. Honestly that goes out to any mentally ill and/or disabled people reading this. I know life in this shitty system is hard, I appreciate you and what you do.

[miss0atae]

Random thoughts about Playboyy the series ep 13:

I can't believe we are already at the 13th episode. I spent 13 weeks with these boys and watched their antics!

Again I thought things happened a bit too fast for my liking, but it's okay. I imagined they would face only terrible and tragic things, however, I believe the outcome is in their favour.

▪️Nont and Prom have a weird dynamic. I believe they kind of like role play a bit too much. Playing tragic lovers but ended up kissing and professing their love for each other. They are so dramatic. I still believe Prom is mostly a character who stands there and looks good (the expression in my first language sounds so much better than in English --") but their couple grew on me, thanks to their fans on this website.

▪️Nont is struggling with his latest decisions because he endangered several people close to him and Zouey (who never missed a change to rightly scold everyone) told him he can't consider them friends if he never really cares about their well being in his quest of truth and revenge. I don't like the preachy attitude of Zouey, but I can admit he is always good at making people ponder about what they are doing. He is the best therapist for most of these characters.

▪️Puen is alive and mostly well. Yeah! Last week, I was afraid he was dead. Now, Aob and him must hide from Jason Lee and they found shelter at the boys' house. First helped them settle. Again, I decided I'm not a fan of them individually but as a couple, I believe they are meant to be. I hope they will get the chance to be happy and free from Jason's wrath. Turns out, Aob never found Nant so all this torture from last week was for nothing.

▪️We still haven't learnt about the video Phop found on Nuth's computer. We just know it has something to do with Nant and it happened around the time he faked his death. Nuth wants to move on and be able to enjoy a quiet life with Phop. They are a couple I really like since their conversation about the struggles they face even inside their own community. I'm glad Nuth never decided to get full psycho on Phop as I feared several episodes ago. I need them to be able to leave their problems away and move on to another chapter of their lives. However, I don't like this last drug deal Nuth wants to do for Jason. It smells like bad news and terrible outcomes. Also, why does he not want to give the video to Nont? I want to see this video!

▪️Zouey was so suspicious in the previous episode, but we never got anything from it in this one. Is it going to happen in the last episode? Is he really hiding something? Apart from that I just can't stand him. I don't even have a good reason. I feel bad because I read many posts about him and what he is bringing to the story. The message he is sharing and how important it is. Unfortunately, his character is really unlikeable for me. He always sounds judgy to me.

▪️Porsche, Jump and Tutor worked together to help Jump be free of Jason by faking his death. I knew he couldn't be dead. I just didn't expect Tutor to help the couple because of the history he shared with them. Jump also insisted on the fact it would change nothing since he wants to only be with Porsche. I had to say bye-bye to my idea of them being a throuple. It would have been a very toxic throuple, but they would have made it, in my version of the story 😂. Nont also learnt about this and he now wants to team up with them to take down Jason. Nont is incapable of doing nothing. He is a very goal-driven person.

▪️Now let's talk about Keen. I understood he wanted to get back at Captain because of the videos and consequences. However, I don't get why he is still pretending to be in love with him? He got him expelled and Captain didn't suspect him to be behind it. He should just break up with him and move on. He told Captain he would still help me get to his dream of being a professional athlete... For what reason? Their couple is so dysfunctional. Will Captain learn the truth in the next episode or will he forever be in the dark? I can't see them being happy together after everything.

Next week we'll be the last episode. It's almost the end. 🥹

[helpmeplsplsplsplspls]

Hello ppl pls help me out

Vvvv important exams are approaching and I actually need to lock in and study and focus but i actually am INCAPABLE of focusing and I'm finding more hobbies instead (crochet, drawing, reading again, etc etc) and ANYTHING but actually studying and my mind is very much a mess and I am DESPERATE lmao

Idk how tf ppl can achieve sm when all I do is suffer in guilt as time passes bcs I have shit to do an hour later and doing sth before that that could possibly make me late to that makes me ANXIOUS UFUFPDOSLYUF (it happens every day 😇😇)

I'm desperately praying I'm not the only one with this issue bcs I'm starting to feel self conscious abt this lol

Anyways I rlly need advice on

- time management

- focus

- motivation

- overcoming executive dysfunction

- how to shut my brain up bcs it yaps harder than me fr

Help me p l e a s e I'm desperate enough to make a new Tumblr acc and actually ask abt this lmao (I am vvvvvv antisocial this is SCARY)

Yall are amazing thank you (pls help me so this thanks is for you help)

I think I might delete this by tmr this feels weird ktsljarkajrlsjtjslt

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hi there, and thanks for giving me a lifetime of validation and confidence in my neurotype to keep pushing through it all.

I'm a writer. I always have been. I love writing, and it's the only thing I consider myself to be legitimately good at. Linguistics is one of my special interests. I love the flow of a grammatically correct English sentence.

Anyway, I have major executive function issues. Specifically with starting tasks. So I already find it hard to sit down and write. But I find it even harder to continue the progress I make in anything. After enough minimal effort, my brain decides it hates this activity and everything related to it, and inside a single hour I'll go from obsessing over a creative task to being indifferent or repulsed by it. But the *feeling* of knowing I had just been so passionate about it a second ago remains. I end up putting myself into a depressive episode every time I try to be creative in any regard.

I've played D&D with my friend group for years, and I've wanted to run my own campaign for a while. But not only does my inability to start completely destroy my progress in worldbuilding and planning, but I can't organize my thoughts at all. I've tried mindmapping and charting and notebooks and binders. When I'm trying to organize my campaign in any way, I revert into this dramatically incapable person. My brain just instantly fogs and clouds, and I don't know how to visually plot my system and lore that helps me in any actual way. But I *love* worldbuilding with a passion. Even when I don't want to engage in it, I am still absolutely fascinated at creating a world from my own brain. Especially one my friends can play in. Yet in this moment, I can't mentally be bothered to do any of it, and I'm subsequently depressed.

I never saw myself ADHD since I aligned with autism so intensely. I still don't find myself relating to ADHD very often. It's also hard enough for me to accept I'm autistic because I feel like an imposter every other hour. My question for you is, how do I overcome this? How do I overcome myself? How can I enjoy an activity I literally love, and continue to enjoy it? These are loaded questions, and of course you'd have to know me personally to answer this the right way. But I just want to know if there's anything I can do about myself. How do I ignite a flame in myself that doesn't burn out in 10 minutes? Moreover, are there any tools available online that help autistic or ADHD or just neurodivergent people focus, plot, plan, and organize in a very visual way? My latest attempt was to find an AI assistant that I can verbally speak with or text, who would do the plotting for me, and ask the questions for me, and I'd just insert my thoughts and ideas. I can't find what I'm looking for. It all feels so hopeless. I can't even amount to a personal desire. I feel this has to do more with depression than anything else, but I'm new to the neurodivergent community at large, as I've mostly dealt with my struggles on my own accord, and learned through books. Maybe there's a billion tools and strategies I've never heard of before. My mind was blown 80 trillion times since downloading Tumblr regarding my mental health, so it's worth asking a profound community member like yourself.

Sorry for the essay, I'm incapable of shortening my thoughts. If I don't type it all out the way I see it in my head, it'll be an itch I can't scratch for the rest of the day. If you do have any advice or recommendations, I would be so grateful. But I'm grateful for your engagement with the community already. You're just awesome.

Thanks for the empowerment and understanding you give me every time I open this app. You're changing people's lives, and that's real.

Cheers ❤️

Hi there,

This was somewhat hard to digest, but I’ll do my best to help.

I couldn’t find much. But I did find one article that lists some ways that might help with executive dysfunction and writing. This excerpt is going to be long, so I apologize in advance:

Executive dysfunction is a term used to describe weaknesses in the cognitive process that organizes thoughts and activities, prioritizes tasks, manages time efficiently, and makes decisions. It’s common in certain disorders, such as Depression, ADHD, and autism. Executive function skills are used to establish structures and strategies and to determine the actions required to move a project forward. So for those of us who struggle with executive dysfunction, dedicating ourselves to a project could get quite overwhelming. Here are some little tips and tricks I’ve compiled throughout my experience.

How to start:

Task initiation is one of the biggest struggles when dealing with executive dysfunction. This is especially hard with writing, since you need time to muster the energy needed to jump into your story. Here are some tips:

1. Start a 1-3 minute timer and force yourself to write something, anything, before it ends. The words that come out don’t matter. You can just write, “I don’t know.” The point is to force yourself into the writing zone.

2. Leave bread crumbs for yourself at the end of each writing session to make picking up where you left off easier. For example, stop in the middle of a sentence or thought, so the next time you write you won’t have to tackle something completely new.  You just have to finish that incomplete thought and continue from there. You could also leave some notes about what happens next, cutting down thinking time in your next session.

3. Try free writing. This is a great way to get those creative juices flowing with minimal effort. Free writing alleviates the pressure of writing something good. Spend a few minutes writing about anything, like your day or a frustrated ramble about your story. It’s like a warm up before your writing session.

How to keep going:

So you’ve started your writing session. How do you keep writing? Most importantly, how do you keep working on your project?  When struggling with executive dysfunction, the regular “set a schedule” approach doesn’t tend to work.

1. Scale down your goal if your big, overarching goal for your project is overwhelming. Try changing your goal to something more manageable and short term. For example, try writing 500 words a day. This might make it less likely for you to lose steam half way through.

2. Try writing sprints if daily goals aren’t working. Instead of hitting a certain word count, you’re setting a timer and writing for its entire duration

3. Don’t feel bad for needing external motivation. Will promising yourself a pizza after you hit your goal motivate you to write? By all means, do so. Maybe you just need a friend to ask you if you’ve written at the end of the day. Find out what motivates you.

4. Find a writing buddy. This can be someone who can sit down and write at the same time to hold you accountable. Or it can be a critique partner that expects you to turn in something by a certain deadline.

5. Try something new. This is one of the best ways to combat how constraining and overwhelming your writing might feel. It’s okay to lose interest in your project for awhile and try something new. Unless you’re racing to meet a deadline, you have no obligation to keep working on a project that isn’t working for you. Setting a project aside doesn’t mean giving up on it. You might only need some time away from it before you are able to finish it.

Trying something new could also mean changing where or how you write. Usually write at home? Try a coffee shop. Do you usually type? Try hand writing. It might or might not work for you. But change could be quite refreshing for your mind.

6. Write whenever you can. Sometimes the urge to write comes while you’re waiting for lunch to heat up, or right before you go to bed. Motivation can be hard to find with executive dysfunction, and designated writing times don’t always work. Have something on hand you can easily pull out to write with to take advantage of these moments. Jotting down a hundred words as you’re waiting for dinner to cool might not seem like much, but it’s still words contributed to your word count.

Some of these tips might work for you. Some might not. Writing successfully is mostly about finding what works and running with it. These are things I found helpful when I embarked on my first novel and I hope it would at least give you some ideas.

The link to the full article will be below:

If that doesn’t help, I did find this Reddit thread that might have some helpful tips.

Reddit Post

I’m sorry that I couldn’t find anyone else or anything visual. Many sources focused on younger children. So it hard to find resources for older teens and adults.

Maybe some of my followers can give some tips/advice?

If you’d like, we can talk personally so I can try to help. I have an associates degree in English if that means anything. Lol.

Anyway, thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

[atrociousaiden]

I think we need to talk more about the ways that capitalism is just so incredibly rooted in our everyday society, even to a degree where we don’t notice it

Like- just now, I have a school project I need to have finished by tomorrow. But im just so incredibly incapable of doing anything today, I just can’t. But I’m still overcome by this guilt and beating myself up because I’m not getting anything done!! And when that happens I have to remind myself that the idea of productivity above physical and mental health is toxic. I have to reminded myself that feeling guilty or shameful for not being productive isn’t how it should be. I have to remind myself that it’s the adhd, it’s the executive dysfunction, it’s the depression that’s making this so difficult, and I have to reminds myself that when the structure built around productivity and work above all else tells you that you’re lazy and worthless for struggling, there’s something wrong with that.

it’s just so hard to remember sometimes, and I think most people probably need reminders too.

[transgenderlabrat]

I’d really hoped I’d be able to spend this summer blogging about cool lab things I was doing here but truth be told this has been one of the most genuinely soul-crushing experiences of my life. I don’t think that’s entirely uncommon for research because yeah sometimes things don’t work out, pretty standard, but it’s not just that things aren’t working. At least when you’re doing some new experiments or working with fickle reagents/organisms or attempting a really difficult technique, there’s a reason to expect failure and it can easily be learned from. When things go wrong, it’s easier to know why or to think about how to know why.

But for me, I am literally just routinely screwing up a pretty basic procedure with stable components that other people have done before and I have genuinely no idea why. All I know is that after over two weeks of working on this, I still cannot get close to the yields I’m supposed to get—and I have no clue why. The only thing that someone suggested was likely the issue apparently wasn’t because it seemed like I’d fixed that and still, I cannot get yield to save my life. As far as anyone can tell, I’m not making any large scale egregious errors like using the wrong reagents in the wrong quantities or setting an apparatus up incorrectly or sucking up my product during purification. And no amount of practice and improvement with the littler things seems to be helping either. Maybe it could be that this procedure is fickle except that it’s not. The lab tech has done this exact procedure successfully to get the yields I should be getting but can’t.

If I could at least pinpoint what was going wrong or if I was working with a brand new DNAzyme or could see even a little bit of improvement, that would be fine. I’m still an undergrad, I haven’t been in this lab for long, I’m not going to be able to execute procedures as well as those that have so failure on its own isn’t a big deal. But I have absolutely no clue WHY I’m failing again and again and again and I don’t seem to be learning or improving. This is a tried and true procedure. The only variable here is me and I just can’t figure out why I’m screwing up. It’s fucking devastating. I feel so utterly incompetent. Like this is what I’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. This has been my dream since I was a kid. Literally my entire life, this is what I’ve wanted to do, and apparently I can’t do it.

By the end of the day today I should have enough product to move on with the experiment but it took me so, so long to get here and used far, far more reagents than it should have so I can’t even feel good about that, especially because if my current track record is anything to go by (and it sure seems to be), I’m bound to mess this up too.

I didn’t want to make any doom and gloom venting posts here especially because I know there are so, so many self-esteem traps littered throughout research and I don’t want to get sucked into any but genuinely how am I supposed to feel ok about any of this. For reasons I don’t understand I am just incapable of executing a straightforward procedure. I can’t learn from my mistakes because I don’t know what they are. I can’t learn about the procedure because it’s already well understood. Nothing is unstable or dysfunctional and causing my yields to be bad other than my own execution of the procedure. I have seen incredibly marginal improvement in my results, far less than I would expect to see (and that’s not me being hard on myself, I mean literally I have just managed to now get my product slightly more pure, but not increase my yield, after over two weeks). I’m working myself into the ground and I know it’s not healthy for me but I don’t know what else to do because I’m almost done in this lab for the summer and I can’t leave without SOMETHING going right. I know it’s about the learning experience, not about good results, but again, I can’t even feel like I learned something when I’m just failing again and again without knowing why or being able to improve. I’m just so tired and so upset and so beaten down and I don’t know what to do about it.