#I feel like most of the time my interactions with people irl backfire on me

[astfut]

😕.

[wilcze-kudly]

Someone once said Aang and Katara’s romantic interactions have no impact on their relationship. Which I find a ridiculous notion, given how

One: The Series genuinely wasn’t built around romance.

Two: We do gradually see the characters develop feelings for each other more across the show.

https://www.tumblr.com/melu-lis/762094698681745408/one-of-the-most-baffling-thing-about-kataang-to-me?source=share

Honestly, the fact that Katara and Aang's relationship has that strong aspect of friendship is one of my fave parts of it.

Like, maybe this is an unpopular opinion and I'm just a degenerate little dyke but I'm so so tired of romances having to follow the typical usually heterosexual conventions that have been set ib place both irl and in media.

And not to sound like an old man shaking my fist at a cloud, but in an era where romance is very standardised (look at the plethora of YA romance books selling basically the same plotline but in different aesthetics). It's nice to find a relationship that doesn't fully fit that mold.

Like people have joked about this but Aang and Katara really do follow the famously memed lesbian relationship stereotype of "we've been besties for ages and we've kissed a few times and she's said she loves me and I'm starting to think she's into me but idk". And I love that for them.

Also OP's examples aren't really saying much. They mention that "sokka learns that aang has a crush on katara in the fortuneteller, but we never see aang trying to get advice from sokka after he learns about it" while disregarding the fact that Aang did try to get advice from Sokka, and it backfired. Did we all forget "Soooo... papaya?" (also Sokka didn't realise that Aang had a crush on Katara? He thought Aang had a crush on Meng.)

Another argument from OP is that: "aang and katara kiss in the cave of two lovers but we never see katara's perception of aang change at all" which I find a bit of a flawed idea because there's not really anything in Katara's perception of Aang to change? Like she was already seeing him as a viable romantic partner from at least the Fortune Teller, she was blushing when considering kissing him and offended when he didn't immediately agree to it.

(I actually think this is the moment where Sokka realises there's something between Katara and Aang man look athis face.)

We do not see Katara's pov, but we can pick up her thoughts from how she's animated and other clues because atla makes it quite easy to emphasise with its characters. I talk more about it in the Kaatang and female gaze post.

OP using the description of "natural development of a platonic relationship becoming a romantic one" is also mildy annoting because just because a romance doesn't follow established conventions and timelines, doesn't mean that it's not natural or badly written. We study tropes and aechetypes usually in order to subvert them.

The concept that romance has to be a series of events followed by switches flipping automatically in response is incredibly limiting and, frankly, overdone. I can see the appeal of romantic stories being a series of actions and reactions between two people, but I personally find a slow, budding development even more compelling. But once again, thsi is up to preference. If OP doesn't like this style of romance, than that's fine. Though I will stress the golden rule: your preference doesn't mean that everything else is bad/unnatural/unethical etc.

[iheartcabbyiii]

I didn't want to make this post, and I still don't, but I don't think I can keep my silence on the situation for any longer. I've only told a few people about this, so I'm here now, telling all of you about what happened.

"The Henry Stickmin Artist Community" discord server is a server I am currently in; you may be too, you may not. If so, you also might know the owner, Stick, aka Suppishstick on discord. I definitely do. My experience with them was not a good one, and I'll be sharing my experience with them in this post.

1: Starting off.

How we met:

A few months ago, I joined a THSC community based server along with another close friend of mine, looking to communicate with some other THSC fans outside of twitter (only platform I posted on back then). However, I didn't start talking until a few months afterwards. Once I had started talking, I had gotten to know a few of the people there; one of them being Stick. They didn't talk much, but the first interaction we ever had (I believe) was when I was talking about an artist I disliked (this artist was fairly controversial for their predatorial creations and actions, btw).

When I explained what they did to Stick since they wanted to know, we just talked about how disgusting that behavior is, and so on. Conversation ends.

How it started:

However, a few hours afterwards, they'd started dming me with random shit. It wasn't wrong, it just felt a little weird because I didn't expect to be dmed after our previous conversation was already done and over with: also because we didn't know each other. There wasn't anything wrong with just talking, so I went along with it.

One day, he suddenly said that he was thinking of making me and my friend mods. However, he said it like if he made me a mod, he'd have to make them a mod too. Despite this, I was extremely happy. I don't know WHY I wanted mod perms, but overall you can't really do anything other than ban and kick people; can't even invite a bot to the server. It wasn't worth it, but now I see why he made me AND my friend both mods. (This will come up again.)

3:

Then, the more they talked, the topic became based on serious topics, their IRL life, and their problems. (I'm going to be very vague with their problems they had for privacy reasons.) It started off with them talking about having a crush on their friend, and it basically backfiring on them.

This is basically what started it.

From then on, they began to vent in my dms almost daily about any feeling they had, and I would reply every time, despite being uncomfortable yet not having the guts to tell them to stop.

He went from that, to talking about how he wanted to bleach his skin, which is OBVIOUSLY harmful. His reasoning was that he would maybe get a girlfriend because he would be white, and saying that he should do what MJ (Michael Jackson) did, which is also untrue. Besides that, when he said this, I felt extremely uncomfortable with what he said he was going to do just for people to like him, since I didn't want him to harm himself. I wouldn't want ANYONE to do this just so they could be liked by other people. (As well as me telling him another time, not to vent in my DMS.)

Then, afterwards, they had started venting in my dms without permission again. This screenshot one of the various times I'd told him not to vent w/o perms.

All he talked about was the situation with his friend, and everything that was going on in his life. However, then he started talking about using steroids and harming himself. (I may come off as dry in these texts because as I stated, I was uncomfortable.)

I didn't know how to react when I saw these messages. I didn't know if I were to comfort him, discourage those actions, or just not reply in general.

When he said he didn't vent in DMS anymore, which was pretty much just contradicting himself, I pointed it out that he had been doing that for weeks.

His motive for doing most of these things was to make people like him. And I understand that you might not be liked by too many people, but harming yourself and your health to fit in is not the way to go.

He argued that it wasn't "angry or suicidal stuff", so I guess it ... Wasn't venting??? (SS of convo down below)

3:

I'd also like to talk about the typa shit he'd talk about when he wasn't venting to me. Most of this stuff was stuff I didn't know (or really care, I'm sorry to say it,,) about.

A few of the things he sent stuck out to me, specifically because it was NSFW content.

One of these examples was a newgrounds animation. Why was I trusting anything they sent that was from newgrounds? Because I didn't want to just not acknowledge the shit he was talking about.

This animation, however, was a video of a fucking Creeper getting assaulted.

I did not request to see the animation, all I said was that I hadn't seen it, yet he still sent the link.

The image of the video is blurred because it contains slight gore, and I'm not taking my chances,,,

Yeah, some people might be able to handle it, but like, if someone doesn't ask for a NSFW link, YOU DONT SEND IT!!!

Now, here's my message I sent after I didn't want this to go on any longer. I sent this message to request that he stop talking in my dms in the politest way I could. Although, this is the response I got.

Yes, he did apologize for saying it like that, but it didn't feel as if he really meant it.

If he had problems, I wanted him to seek help for them, and not tell someone on the Internet who he didn't know basically every thought he had.

I wasn't comfortable from the start.

Before I start my conclusion on this, I'd like to mention the time he promoted his rants,...,, To be specific, he sent a message in the main chat of the server, saying, "check rant, it's bad."

Not only did he say this in the server, he also sent it in my dms as well. (I cannot provide any more pictures because I've reached the limit of images tumblr will allow me to add, but if anyone would like to see them, I can show the messages he sent.)

If Stick sees this, I will not argue with him about this. If he bans me from the server, that's fine. I still believe what he did was wrong.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[octahedral-chaos]

Don't know why I'm feeling so sappy but after watching "The Dragon Paradox," I kind of want to talk about some childhood memories I do remember.

For the longest time, I remembered being... alone. Different. I wasn't like my peers. In primary school, while most kids were running around in the courtyard or hanging out with their friends and such, I was alone. Well... not really alone since one of my relatives worked in the school so I usually go by them. But I usually just... draw. Draw dragons, dinosaurs, wolves, stuff like that.

If it's not drawing, it's reading. I love nonfiction books. Especially about animals, and nature. I vaguely remember this one book that had a picture of a clay stop-motion styled hadrosaur (An extremely outdated one to boot!) In one of the pages. An entire book on moths and butterflies. A book on dinosaurs. My entire early childhood was spent looking at animals, feeling an odd sense of kinship with them.

I never really fit in, especially in a culture like Trinidad and Tobago. There's this focus on loudness, in a sense. Carnival, limes, fetes, it's a culture focused on partying, yet... I never really understood that appeal. I hated loud noises, people scared me somewhat, even merely talking loudly could make me flinch. I... never really fit in.

This, coupled with the fact that I usually got along well with older family members and such, meant that my way of trying to fit in was to stamp out anything that I deemed "childish"; Bright colours, cartoons, stuff like those I tried to get rid of. Just so I could feel a sense of belonging to somewhere at least. But that backfired....

Spectacularly

I was still feeling rather alone. Even when I did get my first friend, I... didn't really feel connected. All I rambled about was The Last Guardian and I... I wasn't too sure if they were getting annoyed with me. So I still felt alone, made worst by the fact that this point was one of my lowest points in life.

Skipping to early high school, I was still alone, but managed to interact with people decently. I wasn't too sure on friends... but I did managed to make a few of them during the lockdowns. And for my stamping out of my "childish joy?"

Well... that didn't last.

I got into OCTAHEDRON, and started falling in love with things that are cringy again. Feeling genuinely in love with this game.

And then Worldless came along... and sparked me into feeling GENUINELY connected with others. Feeling like someone else understands what I went through; the alienation, feelings of difference, all of it. It feels like at least someone else finally understands the feeling of loneliness, even though you're surrounded by people who loves you.

And the funny thing is? Every. Single. Thing I was interested in is rather obscure.

Thylacines, Yi qi and Siats Meekorum. TY, Freedom Planet and Dust: an Elysian Tail. OCTAHEDRON and Worldless. Every single one of these things were rather obscure when I got into it. I still remembered how OCTAHEDRON basically made me get Tumblr in the first place, trying to find people who's into the game.

And I think, maybe I feel connected to the obscure because it's familiar. The feeling of loneliness and being an oddity. Being alone. It was like a mirror to my experience, being surrounded by people yet not feeling like any one of them considers you their friend. Being so, so alone despite being surrounded by others, others who don't think, talk or act the way you do, and not even understanding why. Why everyone feels alien, why you don't feel like you fit in anywhere.

This got a little long, so I'm ending it here. Thank you, thank you Mystic and Sqarlet and Hope and Peep and Tea and others, as well as my IRL friend group, for making me not feel alone. For showing me that hey, it's okay to be different. Thank you so, so much.

Thank you.

[argoxnautilus]

besties i think i am hitting a point where i am no longer able to know as much as i should

i can't understand schoolwork anymore. social stuff is harder to parse, and i think it's because i have to do school AND job AND everything else. the stuff i should be well versed in by now, like politics, doesn't make sense to me no matter how hard i try--when i go past any of the basic stuff, reading political theory just makes me feel like a fucking...hp lovecraft protagonist, i just can't picture any of it.

most of my social interactions are either scripted ahead of time or have me feeling like a text generator, putting words together with no understanding of what they mean with only a vague idea of what i'm supposed to be going for. it's easier online, i think because i only have to worry about the words and not both the words and how i'm saying them, but both irl and online i always eventually slip up despite my best efforts to do it right. i copy mannerisms and behaviors in the hope that it pleases other people, and that backfires too--i lost a close friend this year because a behavior i'd learned from 2 separate friend groups and thought was the right behavior to make was actually bad and hurt them to the point they no longer speak to me at all.

i can't understand the nuance for that stuff either, no matter how hard i try. either i did it wrong, or i did it right, and...god, everyone else just seems to know what it means. i don't. i can't, i think. i don't understand any of it.

does this come across? does anyone understand what i mean? i'm scared, i need help, i'm scared that i'll always be reliant on my parents or other people who want to hurt me, i'm scared i'll make too many mistakes and that the world will throw me away. i'm scared because i haven't sat down and drawn for months. i'm scared because i can't tell if people are gonna help me or hurt me. i'm scared because the fucking english paper i was supposed to finish last semester doesn't even have a rough draft because i can't remember how to write essays anymore. might be autistic, might've finally hit my disturbingly low ceiling of achievement, might just be fucked in the head. i may get a diagnosis for autism at least, but that takes time, and...idk if anyone will even care. or if they'll hate me for it. idk if that even makes sense. my coworker and manager and i have a betting pool on it. i learned this week it was supposed to be a joke, but they didn't laugh at me about it, so that's chill. feel really stupid about not realizing though.

anyway, i think 4 paragraphs (5 with this one) is enough. sorry for putting a long post about my issues on your dash. here's a cat for scrolling this far

[amaria-the-soup]

This ask is made in good faith, I need to emphasize that because many people are extremely hostile about it.

“Your thoughts become your actions”

You said this in reply to someone, and I have such genuine concern for you if you have such little self control and lack of authority over yourself that all of your thoughts become actions. Like- I fear for every person you interact with on a day to day basis and I’m sorry for how lonely you must be living like that. /gen

That being said your experience is not universal, the vast majority of people can parse what should happen irl vs what should stay in fiction, that’s why goreporn horror and gratuitously violent action movies are so popular and rape kink is the most common kink among women. It’s fiction.

Expecting and encouraging people to be ashamed of themselves for the fiction they consume is just repackaged purity culture and the right reactionary thinking that continues to plague the world and is the root of all systemic issues.

Ultimately, that shame that you’re trying to push will only backfire. Because kink very often has roots in trauma and, in general, absuers aren’t the ones reading fanfic on the internet. They in the world, abusing people. So by trying to shame consumers of immoral fiction you’re only harming victims and innocents.

Especially because (and this is not an accusation because I realize it can read like one) shame is very often used by abusers to manipulate their victims. “Well you *like* what I’m doing, so you’re disgusting and if you leave I’ll tell everyone.” Whether the victim does or does not like it is irrelevant, the threat is real and shame is what makes it real.

By encouraging shame you’re only enabling actual irl abusers. You’re enthusiastically giving them the means to further trap their victims.

If you’re really, genuinely worried, look into how you can help the victims irl. There might be nothing you can do, and that’s fine. But vauge posting on the internet does nothing but harm.

I really hope you have a good day, and once again this ask is in good faith and I’m willing to have a conversation with you as two mature adults. If you don’t want to reply publicly you’re welcome to dm me. /gen

I understand what you’re saying but I sincerely hope you do realize that any thought is an option to an action. God said “what man thinks man shall do.” I do my best to keep myself in check. Thanks for the concern, but I’m just fine.

However, I am not talking about rape kink or violence. I believe that I have stated that I like those things too. It’s just part of my nature. I don’t want those things to happen to me, I know it’s bad, but the thought can be exciting. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about incest. The act of sex with another family member. I am talking about the act of being with someone who you know and who you are supposed to love and support but never romantically. People who encourage, support, ask about, or write about these acts are disgusting and vile. They take the time to actively engage in the thoughts of having sex with a daughter, a son, or siblings. Even grandparents or aunts and uncles.

These thoughts are vile and disgusting. I genuinely had to take over twelve hours after receiving this ask to respond to it. Because to me, it sounds like you are actively seeking to defend the people who would put their hands on someone they have witnessed grow up and know about.

This is not about the issue of rape kink. Blood play. Bondage. This is not the same thing as someone who has actually been through trauma. This is about a grown person using their power over their siblings and their children to have body gratification.

I’m sorry if that confused you. I’m sorry if you feel like I have attacked you in some way. But I am NOT discussing anything about kinks. I am discussing incest.

[omegapheromone]

I can't say I fully or truly get it, but I can at least relate in some way to your experience with this. Maybe it's more just from the perspective of an omega who isn't all that emotionally available when that's what is often expected of omegas- but still. I don't wanna ramble on too much (oops) but I figure maybe sharing my experience will at least be relatable/comforting in the sense that you'll feel a bit less alone/isolated with it?

Most of my relationships have ended because I have not had enough to "give" to the other person, and end up coming across as disinterested or detached as a result. It's not because I don't care for or don't like the people I've dated (though I'm also not trying to say I don't have shitty exes who definitely were the problem bc I do), it's more like... trying to force myself into matching the emotional needs of other people always drains me and stresses me out, which then ends up backfiring because I become irritable and resentful because I feel like the person is draining me dry without ever letting me rest. The biggest part for me is that I absolutely need space. A LOT of space. Sometimes, I absolutely NEED to have the ability to simply drop off the face of the earth for an undetermined length of time- and by that I mean days, not hours- and just exist in my own bubble with my own thoughts, without having to worry that someone else is losing their mind and getting upset because they're not in constant contact with me. I don't WANT to be a burden and I don't WANT others to be hurt because I'm so aloof and prone to needing time on my own, but knowing that that's almost certainly what I'm doing is painful. Some exes have also become paranoid and distrustful, convincing themselves I MUST be cheating because my activity says I'm online but I won't respond or cater to them specifically, when the reality is that I'm holed up inside my room playing a game, so overwhelmed with social interactions that I'd rather pull out my own teeth than interact with someone.

It's one of the main reasons I've avoided romantic relationships for the past few years. I realized I wasn't really made for it- people who are looking for an omega partner usually have way higher expectations and desires than I can truly provide them with. A lot of this is trauma, the rest is agoraphobia + neurodivergency and of course, some degree of being on the aroace spectrum myself (likely demi). I still WANT relationships and enjoy them, it's just that I've accepted most of them aren't going to work long-term because I just cannot match the emotional needs of most people, and me wanting some degree of exclusivity at least instead of being truly polyamorous makes that even more difficult.

What I'm trying to say is, you're not entirely alone in feeling so excluded and like an "outsider" to romantic/etc relationships. Even if it comes in different forms for people- I tend to feel similarly that the "there's someone for everyone" statement is kind of bullshit- it doesn't account for the fact that not everyone has the ability to meet the needs and desires of romantic (or other) partners, while still having such needs of their own.

I get the loneliness. Sometimes I watch my irl friends who are in happy long-term relationships and I wonder why I turned out the way I am, and why I still have to deal with the concept of wanting similar emotional fulfillment, even though I fully know it won't work out. It feels like standing outside a window looking in, or being separated from everyone you know by this invisible wall. They'll beckon you to get closer and you want to, but at some point one of you is going to crash into that wall and get hurt, and the wall will always be there no matter what. It sucks. I've found some peace with it and I don't think about it much these days, it's not a major point of sadness for me, but it's always sort of there, lingering in the back of my mind, the awareness that there is that wall between myself and everyone else. It doesn't stop me from enjoying life or anything, but sometimes it's a source of melancholy no matter what.

I'm constantly torn between wanting to be just a pack member with like a bunch of platonic friends, and wanting a QPR to snuggle with and be semi-intimate with.

My AroAce Self knows I probably would get uncomfy depending on what the other person asks of me. But the Alpha Self wants someone soft and cute to hug and scent and take care of.

Old people always say that there's always someone out there for us. But I don't think that's a universal truth.

Maybe some of us are meant to just be alone, idk.

[hope-to-hell]

So I was thinking about how much I miss your writing and then I was thinking, I have questions. This has been my favorite to ask people lately because I find it fascinating: What character or arc surprised you the most while you were writing?

As an aside, did you ever have a plot line that wouldn't die, no matter how hard you tried to fight it?

I miss seeing you on my dash. I know you've lost some jazz for the fandom but I'd love to pick your brain just a bit to relive old joys.

Hey there, friend. It’s been…difficult, to say the least. To be honest I have a couple of one-shots that have been sitting in my google docs for weeks because every time I open them it’s like staring through a doorway into nothingness. The words just…aren’t. It’s frustrating, because fic is, like, my thing. I think it’s been a mix of less free time, schedule/routine changes irl, dwindling blog interaction, and who knows what else. It’s hard to want to write and to remember what it feels like to hit that groove where the words come out so easily, and yet be unable to just do it.

None of that answers either question, does it? Lemme back up and try again. I guess August is the one who’s surprised me the most. I’ve probably mentioned this before, but he was originally a kind of pushback against what I was seeing a lot of at the time: sexual predator August, just a massive dick with a mustache and a bad attitude. The “if I can’t have you, no one will” kind of guy. Or Daddy August, which much of the time seemed to be a way to twist the daddy/brat dynamic into something less healthy and more manipulative on the brat end. Not to knock anyone’s kinks or fantasies; I’m a big girl and I know better than to engage with what doesn’t interest me, but I wasn’t finding the type of stories that I wanted. (As an aside, my “August and the Brat” story kind of backfired on me. I wanted to tell a story with Consequences to give the reader a bit of pause and, well, it kind of had the opposite reception to what I’d hoped for.)

But anyway. August. That’s where he started, and what I didn’t expect (although perhaps I should have) was for him to evolve into a fucking cryptid. At this point he probably bears zero resemblance to the original canon character. He became fierce and damaged and possessed of some sort of loyalty and love. His backstory changed a little bit from story to story to fit each narrative— I found that my concept of writing was not so much a single story as a collection of overlapping worlds. And that, too, fit the evolution of “my” August. He grew into a myth, or maybe a ghost. Every story is true to him even though the facts may change. I gave him a place at the lakehouse as a sort of nexus, a place to center his character. It wasn’t something I meant to happen, but when it did it seemed like he’d been there all along. Somehow he’d become something of a guide, a thread pulling the Reader from one story to the next.

I tried not to lose sight of him as a ferocious man, capable of cruelty. After all, it’s August. I wanted to give him the beauty and weight of dark dreams, of sharp-toothed creatures stalking through the rubble of fallen houses. I wanted him to be a burned-out cathedral, or the sky viewed from the bottom of a lake. I wanted him to be death and decay, blood and bone. I hope I succeeded. I think I did.

And I still hope that I’ll find my way back to writing, one way or another. I do miss it. I consider my writing to be something of an outlier in fandom. It’s the Weird Stuff, the niche shit. I still consider myself a writer, even if I haven’t done much of it lately. Thanks for thinking of me, friend. I don’t know if this answered your questions at all but it felt good. Thank you❤️

[leam1983]

I do wonder...

Do I come on too strong, sometimes?

I Reblog something, add a comment I think is just that- commentary - and I'm told I sound condescending, arrogant or ignorant. I apologize, try to mention I didn't want to make things worse; and it backfires epically.

It's happened a few times on here, and a few times IRL. Much more rarely in meatspace, so I'm starting to think I have a warped perception of what's seen as tactful, online. Less context to work off of. Out there, there's pitch and tone, delivery, timing - I can usually infer when I'd better keep my mouth shut well enough - but on here? Something triggers my interest, I figure I'll be disregarded in the worst of cases and, well...

Oh boy, am I not.

It's the shittiest talent imaginable: finding the absolute fucking golden moment to land something I think is innocent and just press someone's buttons royally.

I don't think anyone here skims someone else's entire blog before Reblogging anything, right? Nobody here checks for context or tone, it's all off-the-cuff and things generally go well?

I'm starting to think I should. I maybe wouldn't have commented on someone who'd chosen to draw art on an old book's pages if I'd known circulation and reuse was such a hot-button issue for that one user that I'd obviously come across as that one well-meaning guy who just says One Thing Too Many.

Nobody here wants to come across as pedantic or arrogant. I toy with some aesthetic aspects of verbal snootery because, fuck, I ate and shat Postgrad material for four years. Prevarication's an old friend, and I like slipping in more blunt statements to try and ease up on the reader's experience. I think I try and be nice to most of those I interact with because, hey - who actually wants to be a raging asshole, right?

Welp, I now am a few people's idea of a contrarian, a prescriptivist, and possibly a self-important prick. Not that I want to, though. Should I issue a second apology to that last one? "Listen, I apologize, I didn't know this would cut so close - if at all?"

The worst part's the lasting anxiety. In the Real, you can just own up to your mistake, walk up to someone at an appropriate moment and, well, act like a responsible adult and take responsibility for things you said that you didn't mean to be hurtful.

On here, there's no act of presence. I could Reblog their response with a few variations on the same basic theme of self-admonition, retraction and humility, and I don't know how they'd take to it. They tagged their response as being repostable, so that's it, right? It's set in stone.

I'm the asshole, I guess.

If this were a tangible convo, I'd at least feel soothed by my having physically and verbally held myself accountable for my own words. Now, though, as things are?

I have half a mind to delete that Reblog chain, but I also have a policy never to self-censor my blog. You won't consistently get my name or my location, but my thoughts are real. Owning up to them, to me, feels like the mature thing to do - warts and all. Stupid bullshit and all.

So, I'm sorry. To all and whoever this applies.

I'm trying to get better at this.

[onelungmcclung]

Hello <3 Could you share what behind the scenes goodies are making you interested in Welsh/Roe? Also, could you share some more about the W*bgott dislike? Specifically how W*b comes off as anti-Semitic? I genuinely want to be educated and appreciate it in advance!

hey!

re welsh/roe: haha, sure thing.

re My Soapbox: that’s a more serious question, but you asked very courteously and I’ll do my best to answer. I hope it will taken in good faith by everyone who reads it. I haven’t discussed it publicly before, and I’m unlikely to do so again.

[nb. I’m going to request no rebl/gs on this, just because it’s a two-part answer dealing with two entirely unrelated subjects.]

i. welsh/roe: it came to me in a vision (it did not)

It’s Not That Deep: sometimes I like to pick two characters and speculate what their dynamic would be like in canon and how it might play out as a ship. (sometimes my experimental oneshots backfire on me horribly and I lose sleep over what is suddenly The Love Story of the Ages. I still think the basic approach is... fun? no I have not “learned better”.) so, that’s a mindset in play.

I think perhaps it was this that made me realise that they don’t have much onscreen interaction and thus wonder what their dynamic would be like. I guess baberoe being such a popular ship (and I do like it!) means that most of the roe fic is written through the lens of that dynamic (much angst, much fluff), and I just like to try out other angles. rarepairs are a great way to investigate characters’ less-explored facets. roe is often written as angst-ridden; welsh is probably one of the least angsty characters in the show; he’s a tiny fearless powder keg of energy & humour. what would they bring out in each other? this is for research purposes. (they certainly share a tendency to charge headfirst into danger without hesitating.)

roe does shout at welsh (“an officer & a grownup”, etc). I think welsh respects it, tbh. and I think that’s pretty much their only interaction apart from when welsh is injured.

which brings me onto rick warden’s quote about shane covering him while harry’s injured - he’s discussing it more in the context of acting choices, but the character implications are what I care about. roe is trying to protect welsh while he can’t protect himself; welsh feels protected by him. which is something welsh very rarely seems to need.

of course this is just what roe does. but for both of them, it’s a crucial moment. and for me, I’m always interested in small, potentially revealing interactions between characters who don’t have much screentime together.

ii. so you hate w*bgott

oof. ok.

a disclaimer: it’s only recently I analysed why I’m Not Into this ship. when I first discovered its popularity, my initial thought was “why?” but I didn’t dwell on it. (ship hate means it’s time to go outside.) coming back to the fandom made me think about it a little more closely. 

admittedly, I find webster self-absorbed, entitled and privileged in almost every scene he’s in, so that doesn’t help. but I’m capable of taking an interest in his friendships (1st platoon, for example); I just do not think he and liebgott are friends, at any point in the narrative, and I would ship liebgott with literally anyone else in the company before w*bgott would ever occur to me. frankly I think it’s as plausible as martin/webster or guarnere/liebgott, and it never did occur to me. (that is, of course, just me, but this is my Opinion Hour and everyone has to live with it.)

firstly, I dislike the scene in wwf when he pulls a gun on the german shopkeeper. to some viewers, I think this reads as righteous anger. to me, it reads as self-involvement. what he should be doing is helping the prisoners, not threatening random shopkeepers. (lesniewski gets that. web doesn’t.) no doubt the shopkeeper is complicit in local antisemitism and his business has likely benefited, but he’s not important. the wellbeing of the jewish prisoners is the priority. 

(his anger towards the german troops also comes across as self-indulgent and rather... unearned. the rest of the company has gone through a much more brutal war than he has. I’ve tried, for the sake of argument, to read his anger as altruistic, but that is not how it comes across to me.)

liebgott prioritises the prisoners completely. when he realises the nature of the camp, he reins in his feelings - of horror, grief, anger - in order to focus on the man he’s talking to. he knows this man has seen horror, cruelty and death beyond anything he himself has ever seen or imagined. this is the first time in a long time he has been around other jewish people, and it is nightmarish, and all he cares about is helping them. these people could be his friends, his family, his neighbours, himself: they are his people. at first, he refuses a direct order to tell the prisoners they have to remain here. when he relays it to the prisoners, he tries hard to be calm, not to distress them further. when he cries, it’s only for a few moments, because they are still what is most important: not his own grief for them.

I emphasise this as the emotional context of the mountaintop scene in “points”. liebgott feels unable to show his grief in front of the other soldiers, because they don’t share it, but he can show anger. the commandant mission offers the possibility of some catharsis, of a glimpse of revenge. (what he needs, I think, is to be among other jewish people, to grieve with them, to know that his feelings are understood, shared, recognised, accepted; but he wants to avenge his people.)

webster has lashed out at germans twice: the shopkeeper, the troops. he views that anger as justified. and yet in this instance - an order to interrogate and kill a nazi commandant - he balks. he argues the man might be innocent. the commandant is more culpable than anyone else they’ve encountered, but webster treats liebgott’s anger, which is far far more personal than webster’s, as disproportionate and irrational. he has no understanding of liebgott’s grief and rage; he makes no attempt to understand. he’s uncomfortable with it; he dismisses it. it’s deeply privileged and condescending.

part of me thinks this is just bad writing: it’s a contrived moral debate; webster wasn’t on the mission irl and his presence seems unnecessary; if he’s so opposed to the mission, he should have voiced that to speirs, not liebgott. but bad writing or not, this is the show and characterisation we’re all working from as fans. 

(I think this ship is somewhat responsible for fans mischaracterising lieb as “angry”, for... reacting to antisemitism?. but because I don’t read anything for this ship, I have limited engagement with that.)

just for the record, while I’m pouring out my heart, I don’t see any evidence of a friendship, even a volatile one, in tlp. web didn’t know the men in 2nd platoon particularly well before, and still less post-bastogne. I think he plays politics with jones to try to get off the patrol, and then plays politics with 2nd platoon in order to be more accepted by the group. (the fact neither plan works is... quite entertaining, really.)

I know people point to their conversation about plans for the future as evidence of a friendship, but to me that interaction seems fairly one-sided. liebgott is looking forward to getting home; he wants to talk about it. web isn’t particularly interested in the conversation. that and their scenes together in “points” seem scripted to emphasise how little they have in common. and, of course, that their backgrounds have little in common isn’t necessarily a barrier to friendship, but webster dismissing liebgott’s anger over the camps is. there’s no way to write them being friends that doesn’t involve a heartfelt apology and a lot of slow relationship development.

I don’t lose sleep over what other people write/ship; that’s their prerogative. I don’t have to read it (in this case, I haven’t and won’t). I’m not telling anyone they can’t write this - or any other - ship. I’m simply uncomfortable with its popularity. 

liebgott has some great onscreen friendships (mostly implied, as is the way of the show): tab, popeye, grant, ramirez, babe, mcclung, alley; maybe dukeman, jackson, tipper, luz, martin, malarkey, roe... I could even make an argument for liebgott & lesniewski. personally, I would much rather see more attention given to any/all of those.

[kendrixtermina]

This podcast is solid gold.

I mean we all talk about how Rebecca’s personal life wound up in the show with their relationship with their brother,, her own experiences with gender and sexual orientation and longtime love of Nerd Media, but the bits out Ian are really stunning, especially when you consider the show’s political subplot- Ian’s grandparents were apparently actual freedom fighters back in Ghana and significant political figures over there -

He compares Steven’s upbringing as a half-alien to his own life as the child of immigrants, speaks about growing up in the shadows of these famed figured who had been considered heroes but also been, well, politicians, and how they were still normal people with emotions, and how some of them may have tried to reinvent themselves and shake off that baggage in the new country to give their children new life. 

I never considered it this way, I kind of saw those elements as strictly conceptual. It sure implies that these people know what they’re talking about. It sure explains why many elements that merrican purists decry as “immature” are actually in line with, say, ted talks by people who actually battle war and extremism. 

How come no one ever talked about this? I’d heard that the Kofis were Ghanan because someone on the crew was and proposed that idea but this goes way further. 

That’s always been something unique about the show, that they think about this mix of heavy-duty sci-fi concepts and relatable experiences. 

Other intriguing bits:

They confirm what was always my impression that Rose treated Amethyst as a daughter and kind of tried to give her the freedom she never had & have her grow up without knowing of the hierarchy - and how that ended up backfiring when she actually encountered bigots. 

I thought she may have considered experimenting with replicating a human family structure but after knowing that gems are probably made from Diamond juice and how excited Pink was to actually interact with her gems on a friendly basis, it takes on a somewhat different note. I mean Amethyst always sort of acted like Steven’s sister no DNA could make her more of a sister to him than she already is, but if you think about it they actually are related, even if the Diamonds are normally more like insect Hive Queens than parents. 

They say they wrote Bismuth as someone who was still in no-holds-barred war-mode when she got out of the bubble, so maybe her more “radical/ballistic” actions early on could be seen in that light

They also characterized her as someone who wants to protect her friends over all else. I mean, that’s how I kinda always knew that if she’s ever adressed again, she would be redeemed - I mean even in her first episode where she’s all rambo and proposes murdering anyone who disagrees (Steven included), she is SO supportive and encouraging of everyone around her, especially Amethyst and Pearl. The loss of her comerades might have driven her to a short-circuit reaction because war is ugly,  and she’s got a bit of an edge as an ideologue, IRL she’d probably be an outspoken political tumblr type, but just from the way she goes out of her way to make others feel included it’s clear that she couldnt be truly evil. 

Besides, I think the show will benefit from having this edgier, more distrustful, passionate teammate in the mix. For example, now Steven has someone to ask for help XD

In that sense Bismuth and Rose are actually ironically alike - when great admiration shatters, the pendulum often swings far back into the other direction. They imply that between being disappointed in Yellow and Blue, and being shocked/guilty that she almost cheerfully de-juiced an inhabited planet, she talked lots of shit about the Diamonds as “Rose” - in particular its implied that the tale of CacklingVillain!Pink as seen in Gemcation and “Your Mother and Mine” is a product of Rose’s guilt and shame

We could analyze this furthers - laughing at the concept of saving humans sounds like something White Diamond would do. The bits about Pink being cowardly and incompetent could also be some internalized guilt about sucking at being a Diamond. 

I think that most of the parts involving “Rose” actually happened pretty much as depicted, Pink was just incognito, and later told Garnet a ‘censored’ version. Maybe even the conversation happened, but instead of “Rose” talking to “Pink”, it was Pink talking to White. 

They also lampshaded that this essentially led to Rose unwittingly driving herself into a situation where all her friends were basically telling her that she should die. No wonder she felt like she could never tell them the truth. 

They also imply further backstory tho, probably whatever happened to Pink Pearl

I actually feel like rewatching the early episodes & trying to see it through the “immigrant family” lens. Indeed they belong to some culture that Steven knows little about since he grew up on earth.

While my parents are about as European as they come, their families had been living in the Carribean and it was only after I was born that they returned here, because they were fleeing dictatorship and famine, and they’d often tell us about how much everything sucked back on their island, how my father was discriminated against for being catholic,  and how they had to “unlearn” a lot of survival mechanisms, like, the friend who ended up becoming my brother’s godmother would have to remind them that its okay to criticise the government out loud. My mom used to get super excited about bein able to eat tomatoes and 

It’s just that all that happened when I was too young to remember.

I always identified completely with the place I grew up in because it’s all I knew and I liked it, and besides I knew nothing of that other place, like, I was always keenly aware that my parents lived through all that sucky stuff, but not me, that I was very lucky compared to them and couldn’t even imagine it and I figured that with my personality I wouldn’t have lasted long in a place where you can’t say what you think, so I felt like it would be presumptious to claim other people’s suffering or stuff I knew nothing about

Besides it sounded like something very far away, but now I realize that it actually would have been pretty recent for my parents at the time I actually started remembering things. 

It’s just really weird to think about it in that context...

Anyways tangent aside Ian Quartey-Jones’ story should really get WAAAY more attention  

[kevv]

my little pony – fame and misfortune

alternatively titled: Hero worship bad. Celebrity worship bad. Idol worship bad. Stranger on the internet worship bad. Soda good.

(god this is such a good episode, i’ve watched it like 4 times already.)

i normally don’t do this sort of thing, but the most recent episode really really struck the right chord in me, so i’m gonna talk about it under the cut.

it’s no secret i love my little pony! i’ve kept up with it since near the middle of season 1 and i’ve stayed a faithful fan sense. pinkie pie is obviously my favorite pony, no contest.

but this episode, my god, this episode had such an important message in it that people who are fans of irl people need to understand.

the plot of this episode starts off when twilight publishes their friendship journal for everyone to read, in hopes of said content being able to resonate with people and help them build better friendships and understand the different ways people can be friends.

but it backfires, the book gets super popular, and as a result, so do the mane 6. people openly talk about the ponies like they’re just characters from a series, and not real people with real feelings.

ponies speak negatively of rarity in public where she can hear. 

ponies idolize rainbow dash and never leave her side, making her unable to do her work because of them just wanting to listen to her tell stories all day. 

ponies gang up on fluttershy because it took her a bit longer to learn a certain lesson that people think she should have understood right away. 

ponies take advantage of applejack’s hospitality and call themselves “part of the apple family” and continuously make unfair demands of her that she feels that she has no choice but to uphold. 

ponies never take anything pinkie pie says seriously because only the silly parts of her are shown in the book, instead of understanding she’s a real pony who can have complex and genuine emotions aside from just “happy and laughter”.

(this is such a mood.)

and as someone who has had to deal with stuff like this in the past, and whose boyfriend currently deals with a fanbase, this episode obviously struck me somewhere.

because i used to run a popular blog with a couple thousand followers with some friends of mine when we were 14, and obviously as friends we would playfully interact with each other and our followers. and i was the one who was singled out the most, because i was the most interactive.

people shipped me with my friends. especially one of them. and when you’re 13/14/15, you don’t really think too much about it? so we played along, because it was what people wanted to see. whenever i’d get flirty asks (which happened a lot for some fucking reason) she’d react in a faux possessive manner, and we always got comments about how “cute we were together”. we got couple fanart despite not actually dating, and we ended up doing this whole fake-relationship for the blog where we’d refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend– even though we weren’t dating. and it was so confusing. i still don’t know how to label this relationship when i talk about ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, i just say that it was debatable.

eventually she did get an actual boyfriend, but people freaked out and sent me private messages saying that she was cheating on me, and she became absolutely condemned on the blog and eventually just stopped posting on it all-together. 

adult women flirted with me. when i was 14. they sent me flirty asks and became absolutely delighted when we did a contest for the blog and i jokingly said the prize was a date with me. let me say that again; women in their early 20s flirted with me and got excited when i joked about dating them, at 14. i didn’t know how fucking creepy this was until i became an adult.

then there were people who didn’t like me or the blog. people scoured through my old accounts just to find any fodder to excuse why i was a scumbag and why our blog sucked. people went through my old social media and used things i said when i was 11 against me. 

no one ever called me kevin on that blog, despite my name being everywhere else. i was only mod man. we had an encyclopedia dramatica page.

eventually we shut the blog down because it stopped being fun, and people continuously asked us to make a new one until it died down and was lost in the void.

i really related to applejack in this episode. because after that whole extravaganza, i never wanted to be in the lime-light again. i made it into a little game where i’d move accounts after i got to a certain follower level because it was terrifying how quickly people will dehumanize you the second you surpass a certain limit decided by them.

i’m quickly approaching that level again not even a year in this blog’s conception, but i don’t like running away. i want to hold onto the friends i’ve made, so i’ll stay. but please understand–

real people are not fictional characters. 

don’t ship real people with their friends. don’t call real people your “otp”. don’t dehumanize real people and speak about them as if they’re just characters on a screen who can’t read what you say about them and be hurt. don’t fucking write porn of real people and their friends. (THIS HAPPENED ONCE JESUS CHRIST)

this is such an important episode. i really can’t say that enough.

i don’t really know how to conclude this. please watch it if you can. please remember the youtubers and blog-owners or artists you idolize are real people with flaws. please don’t hold people up to such high standards for just a small faction of their personality that they allow the public-eye to see.

people are so much more than what just goes on on social media. please remember that. 

Hero worship bad. Celebrity worship bad. Idol worship bad. Stranger on the internet worship bad. Soda good.

[carousels-on-fire]

Me: “Why do I like this male friend so much, I’ve been down the sexuality questioning road enough, it’s not that. I’m certain I don’t want to sleep with him. What is happening.” The not stupid part of my brain: “FRIENDSHIP. FUCKING. WANTING TO BE FRIENDS FOR FUCKSSAKE. PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP IS A THING.” Me: “Ooooh right. Platonic friendship, I forgot.”  Like I genuinely forgot what it was like to just enjoy someone’s presence and personality who isn’t one of my main 5 friends, and handful of internet friends who I love and adore. My 5 main are basically family, I would die for them. But most of my other irl friends, guy friends in particular, they’re nice enough people , but I’m reluctant to get close to any of them because attempting platonic friendship with straight dudes is a minefield of expectations and uncomfortableness that I do not like dealing with. I always feel like I’m either leading them on or they expect that I’ll suddenly switch my orientation because I’m being nice to them. It’s sometimes easier if they’re spoken for, but then I’m worried their lady will see me as some sort of threat even though I’m pretty out about being not straight. With my gay male friends I’m constantly worried that they don’t actually like me.  I always forget sometimes to keep distance with people. Usually my social anxiety keeps me from attempting real human connection with anyone. But every once in awhile I’ll have a burst of courage and forget myself and end up being friendly to a random dude only to have it backfire horribly and now I have this person that I have to gently let down because for some reason niceness=wants to bang to them. X__X I am a generally, (or at least I’m trying to be,) nice person wrapped up in a shell of anxiety who desperately wants to connect with people, but never manages to make that connection with the people I want and sometimes it goes very very wrong.  It’s a strange kind of social isolation where I’m afraid to befriend women because I kind of assume they hate me or are judging me; a leftover from high school. Or I’m attracted to them and I feel bad about it so I’m trying to minimize my making them feel uncomfortable via not interacting with them at all. But befriending men is dangerous because they might get the wrong idea/be one of those friend zone dudes. I have a slightly easier time with trans friends and nb friends because there aren’t a lifetime of social constructs around befriending them.  One thing that was always frustrating to me growing up was having male friends who were into all the same things I was, but eventually there’d be this point where I became the girl in the group even though I’d always perceived myself as being no different than them. I’ve always been in this inbetween place where it’s nearly impossible to relate to people because they’re so wrapped up in perceptions of relationships, and gender expectations. But then I’m not really sure if it’s how other people perceive things, or if I’ve just become hypersensitive to it.  It’s always felt like a constant battle defending myself and my sexuality from people that are constantly asking if my friendships or my band member obsessions mean I secretly am not the sexuality I say I am. I just want to exist and not have to guard myself at every step. i’m tired of being uncomfortable about literally everything.

[survivordivergent]

EPISODE 4 - “I WANT TO REACH MY GOATENTIAL” - GEO

Welcome to Survivor Divergent, where's it's 14 inactive people and 6 people actually playing

I'm pretty damn busy today grading final assignments, and I'm pretty sure my frustration yesterday was enough to paint a target on me going forward, but I don't much care. This tribe's work ethic is for shit. I don't belong here. I can't just sit back and not do things. Ed can't, either, because it's such a deep-seated belief of mine that it permeates through him too. Not submitting things is just not my speed.

What pisses me off more than anything is that so far, I've been the only one to put in any concrete work. Percy got the theme based on a writing prompt. Payton's been offering suggestions. Dani's offered to do both the poster and the write-up. Meanwhile, I did the poster (deliberately at a level below what I know I can do, because I've been saying all along that I'm not good with Photoshop.) I did the write-up. Last time I felt so alone in one of these creative challenges, my tribe lost and I was the one sent packing at the next tribal council.

It's bullshit. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And while I love the people on this tribe based on our limited interactions, Peter can fuck off back to the inactivity pool from whence he came. Lucy can find a clue while she's busy finding a last name. And Geo... man, Geo is the biggest disappointment of all, only because we've SEEN what he can do. And it's like he's choosing not to do it. I get that we all have lives and that we're all super busy. I'm running myself so ragged that I'm going to hibernate clear through the holidays.

But that's the key difference: you make time if it matters to you. And if this game doesn't matter to anyone else, why should it matter to me? More importantly, if I get to jury, where's my motivation to vote for any of these people who couldn't — or wouldn't — step up when they're needed?

This is frustrating. I miss Megara Tribe. I miss Bondoso Tribe. I even miss Drohend Tribe. I like tribes that work hard, like each other and trust each other as a result. And this tribe fits maybe one of those three criteria. It sucks.

Six: The amount of posts in our tribe chat per day. God damn.

I'm pretty sure the hosts hate six. Like.

On 12/18/16, at 12:09 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > also, y’all are rigging this against the 90% inactive tribe

On 12/18/16, at 12:10 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > its not mine and ed’s fault that the rest of them are flops like if we went offline for three days the world would fall apart and you know it

no, i dont think they're actively rigging. i think my tribemates are sabatoging and we're not gonna have fucking numbers going into merge. sluts.

Okay so it's been a while, let's see if I can catch up. Last time I made a confessional I was stuck on trying to find the Erudite idol. I was so frustrated, and then we lost reward. I didn't want there to be a chance that someone from Six would find the idol, since the clues stack, so I panicked and asked Melissa for help. She figured it out in 2 seconds bc stupid me doesn't know the alphabet or how to count. Ugh. So we work through the next few pages, and then we get stuck again. But after looking at it for a few minutes, I realized I needed to use the keypad on a telephone to get the next word, and I figured it out. To show some good faith, I tell Melissa right away, but the next page.... whew. I looked at that page for a good half hour and couldn't figure it out. Then I'm reading what's on the page and it looks like song lyrics? So I decided to google them. I copy and paste it into google, and i noticed in the search bar are words I did not see before. So I go back to the page and highlight everything. Sneaky Jenna hid the link to the next blog in white lettering on the page. Very clever. So I go to the next blog, and I need another password. Crap. Well, I'm hoping that whoever is looking for this idol on the Six tribe gets stuck at the password too, so they wont be ahead of me. I decide to not tell Melissa that I figured it out. I want to see if she comes to me with that information. And she does, the next day. So I know I can actually trust Melissa. Like, I know I'm in an alliance with her, but I wanted to like, test her trust? I guess? So there's where we are on the idol journey...

I've been talking to Jill bc, you know, former Candor, and she brings up starting an alliance with Kyle. Me, already being in an alliance with Kyle, am completely down for this. Jill's plan is to have a former Candor/Amity alliance with me, Kyle, and Will, and bring in Melissa as a 5th so we have majority. Kyle and I, already being in an alliance with Melissa, are completely down for this. We decide to tell Melissa about this alliance, because we want Ugly Fruti to be our core, our majority within the majority, if that makes sense. Melissa seems fine with it.

So then we wind up winning the Battleship Immunity, and I am really enjoying not going to Tribal. If we can keep it this way until merge, that would be fantastic. Things have been really quiet around the tribe lately. I haven't been on much because of things irl, but I'm going to try and be around more. I dont want to be first boot from this tribe for inactivity, even though there are people who are way less active than me. I'm just hoping our movie poster is enough to win reward so we can continue on that Erudite clue...

Every single day, I feel myself slowly becoming someone that I am not. And honestly, I kind of like that.

I think Payton is pretty set on getting to know who I am but I'll keep bouncing that carrot in front of her face because the longer I keep her focused on my identity over the game that I want to play, the better it is for me in the long run. Payton is a threat because shes so talkative (albeit annoying as hell) and has Percy in her back pocket. She even came to me and said,

[10:14 PM] Payton Rodriguez: So I think I kinda decided Percy would be safe if we went to tribal again, at least from my vote? He really did help with making that poster look good

Of course that's a valid excuse but you should be willing to vote off anyone at any given moment in time. I don't care who we're going after, but I kind of think that Peter does need to go next. He's just going to do whatever people tell him to do later and he contributes almost nothing to my game, except acting like a little pawn for the time being.

I still have my Abnegation idol, so I'm going to hold onto it as long as possible. I think this is an idol I need to use on myself only because if I try to use it to make a huge move, like playing it on the target to get rid of a threat, then it could backfire and if my own target ends up getting saved, I could go out on a revote. If I just had the regular old thing, then I'd be more willing to be #dauntless and whip it out to save someone else and *ciera voice* make big movez.

Also I'm being really patient with myself and trying to make a lot of spelling/grammar errors and ignoring most forms of punctuation. I want to, in addition, have perfect grammar, spelling, punctuation on my regular account so that people are somewhat confused about my identity. I'm still going with my "pretty, spoiled girl" image that I'm adopting so that everyone thinks that I'm two completely different people. Maybe its working, maybe its not. But I need to start cutting the bullshit and start being as realistic as possible. No more talking about the unrealistic life I don't have, but being real. I have to adopt true parts of my own personality so I'm not looking like a bullshit artist. I have that tumblr blog, so maybe i should share it with the people so they choose to follow me and understand that maybe this is something i'm committing to. we'll have to see how that works out for me, of course.

ok i know im not supposed to but i cant help but get uncharted flashbacks rn im sure its not but lake is giving me ari vibes

Gosh it's been a long time since I've made one of these.

Nothing has really happened. We've been winning immunity and I haven't really helped at all.

I've been trying to staybtalkative with the most active members of the tribe and I feel like there's at least 2 or 3 people that could be voted out before me.

I feel so bad cause I havent done one of these in a long time. Im usually good with confessionals <.< sorry hosts.

I feel like im wadting time with the amity idol but oh well ill keep chugging along

Dani scares me. Theyre really smart, they know who i am, and i feel like theyre not playing with abnegation (obviously they werent from thay tribe) and theyre gping to use it against me. I want to get her oyt, but i think shes better connected to people, therefore attempting to do so will get me oyt instead, and i want to play with loyalty, i dont want to ve a flipper again and again. Dani is in an alliance with me so that wont be good as the others may be wary of me.

Im concerned as well as people arent actually talking that much to me. They dont message me, only dani and payton. I love payton or logan if it is them and i believe theyre going to be a bigger target ahwad of me in the future.

I want to play a very goat game. Previously my competitors and friends viewed me as someone who cant win and is very well aligned and a flipper. I havemt made ftc, and thats my goal. I dont care about anything else. If im loyal and very nonthreatening, people will want to take me as they view me as a goat and i could potentially use that strategy to win? I want to reach my goatential, and see whether i can lose at the end or not. Hopefully i dont.

Im typing this on my phone and i didnt put the heading, sorry for all my messiness. #Goatential #Geoat #loyalty #noflippers #mystrategy

I want to conspire to vote Dani out. I think that might be too risky right now but I don't trust her.

I'm glad we won tribal! But I really, REALLY want to send Dani home. Like, yesterday.

I'm tired of people outside the game talking to me about this game. Stop.

Um, it's been a confusing past few days. The biggest things to come out of them:

1. Six won immunity! Woo hoo! Payton was trying to argue that they were throwing it, but I refuse to believe that. We cam together as a tribe and we showed how much more effective we are when we work together, and that's that. So I guess another way of saying it would be, I don't care what they did. I care about what we did. And we crushed it. And frankly, as great as Payton has been for moral support and activity, her frequent willingness to couch thoughts with 'if's and 'but's really rubs me the wrong way. That's not the way winners think.

1a. That said, Payton is still my #1 for now. She's got a tremendous grip on the tribe socially and is realistically one of the shot-callers around here. The longer I can stay under the radar and vote with her, the more likely I can make merge. And then we're golden.

2. Danielle approached me with 'evidence' that Payton took the advantage, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. I had my suspicions. But I wonder if Dani is trying to throw Payton under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3. Payton approached me with 'evidence' that Danielle or Geo are fabricating receipts, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. It seems like something both would do, based on what little I know of them. But I wonder if Payton is trying to throw Dani under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

4. This Erudite idol is maddening. 'Center from the start?' What the hell is that??? I've tried everything – the letter a, the titles on each of the blogs, the word 'hosts' which is the 'center' block on the 'start' page, every past clue in every single blog... I know the clue points to a page on one of the blogs I've already visited, as opposed to the latest one. But I'm so stuck and it's so frustrating and I can only hope others are as hopelessly irritated as I am. I need that next clue, and hopefully this time it'll be something new rather than something I'd already been trying. Talk about bad luck.

5. Peter has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

6. Lucy has been very quiet, but at least she showed up for the comp.

7. Geo has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

I will make a longer confessional if I survive tribal, which honestly, I think I will. Me, Kyle, and Melissa are in alliances with pretty much everyone on the tribe, so I think we are fine. The vote should be for Amanda, which is a relief for more than one reason. One, she's getting on everyone's nerves, and two, its so weird for people to be talking about Amanda and to remember its not me. There's only room for one Amanda in this game, hun! Ahhh anyway, after this tribal, we are supposed to be on a holiday break for a while, but I have a feeling before that happens, we are gonna be split into 3 tribes of 5. I'm really hoping not, but if so, I have Kyle and/or Melissa with me, or that I end up on a tribe with a Four Tribe majority. Ahh okay, I'm out til later