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duhragonball · 4 years ago

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[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (121/?)

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation. This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.

[22 May, 233 Before Age. Interstellar Space.]

"Personal log, Dr. Topsas recording. Now then, where to begin...? I am still aboard the Emerald Eye in Federation territory. Luffa is long overdue to return for medical attention. What began as a supposedly 'quick' excursion to the Fedender System mutated into a tour across multiple planets that put my patient on the other end of Federation space. Luffa being Luffa, she has taken it upon herself to fight every battle on every planet along her way back to us. I have received some reports from hospitals in the field, and I am bracing myself for the worst.

"During Luffa's absence, I have stocked her star-yacht with medical-stasis fluid, and a healthy supply of regenerative medications. In the worst-case scenario, I will only have to keep her in stasis for two weeks, but I am constantly reminded of the old saying: "If you wish to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." No doubt, His Nine Eyes watch with great amusement as I prepare for Luffa's arrival, as I boldly tell myself that I have everything I need. Though, at the moment, I suspect there are a great many generals and warriors with haughty plans of their own, each producing their own fair share of divine laughter.

"Now that is a dark thought, that a benevolent God should find war to be humorous. I should really find something happier to dwell on in times likes these. Then again, it is my personal log, and I suppose I shouldn't run from a chance to express these kinds of feelings. Very well then. Let us talk about the war.

"I am hardly a military strategist, but it is my opinion that it goes poorly for the Federation. I would not consider any war to go well, but moral objections aside, this conflict seems specially designed to erode the morale of both sides.

"I know little of the so-called 'Jindan cult.' I have been told that Luffa's arch-nemesis, the Saiyan King Rehval III, founded the cult as a way to strengthen his hold over the Saiyan people. Using his arcane skills as an alchemist, along with the pseudonym "Trismegistus", he created a secret method to make Saiyans even stronger than they already are. This worked wonders for his cause, as Saiyans who would never serve a king were all too eager to trade their freedom for power. Now, he sends his followers into Federation space, launching senseless attacks on otherwise peaceful planets. His motives are unclear, though it certainly seems to be a continuation of his grudge against Luffa. As a Super Saiyan, she poses the greatest threat to his dominion over their species.

"What I have heard of these cultists is truly horrifying. Many are cynical warriors who only serve the cult for their own ends. Even so, they fear their master as though he holds their lives in his hands. I suppose that he truly does hold their lives in his hands, for Rehval has the power to withdraw the added strength he gives to his followers. At the slightest sign of defiance, he can drain their power, leaving then weaker than they were to begin with. In some cases, this process can be fatal, as Luffa discovered when Jolok was 'excommunicated' on Planet Quadzityz. Jolok perished, and a sizable piece of the planet very nearly shared his fate.

"The cultists who remain in Rehval's favor do so in a state of constant terror. Some have learned to mask their despair with religious zeal, while others rely on denial. All of them are experienced enough in the ways of war to know their true role in this conflict. They are not holy crusaders serving a higher purpose, as many of them claim. They are merely cannon fodder, a light brigade being sent to die as a mere diversion. Theirs is a simple choice: Die in service to their master, or die in defiance of him.

"I call them a light brigade because every battle fought in this war has resulted in a complete annihilation of Jindan forces. A one hundred percent casualty rate is unthinkable. Even the maddest of tyrants would blanche at such a statistic. It clearly is not sustainable, and yet Rehval continues to send his warriors, confident that he is safe from counterattack in his secret base.

"On the Federation side, a string of impressive victories carries little hope, for each battle leaves considerable death and destruction in its wake. Luffa and the Federation's other defenders have managed to halt the invaders at every turn, but they still manage to kill thousands, destroy important cities and military outposts, and cause ecological damage with their attacks. I think what frustrates the Federation in this hour is that they have no way to take the initiative in this war. They must simply wait for Rehval's forces to reveal themselves, and then absorb whatever losses they must until they can deploy their forces to fight off the invaders. Luffa's health is simply one facet of the bigger picture.

"Perhaps things will change if Luffa can find Rehval himself, but I have little confidence in this. She has already been searching in vain since-- eh?"

"Doctor! Come quickly!"

"What is it? I-- Ninth Eye!"

"Everything happened so fast that we didn't have a chance to fill you in."

"I should imagine. The rendezvous with the transport wasn't supposed to be for another twenty minutes."

"They got a distress call. Luffa convinced them to put her in an escape pod and drop her off so they could answer it. When I got the message, I pushed the engines as hard as they could go."

"Hey, I'm fine... really."

"Shut up, Luffa, and get on the bed."

"Okay, okay. Pushy lady. I guess that's why I married you. Hey, Doc. Sorry I keep... keep missing appointments."

"Please lie still. Would you hold that for me, Ms. Zatte? Please do calm down."

"I just... there's so much blood..."

"Yes, reopening old wounds, no doubt. I thought you were going to stay out of trouble, little mammal."

"So did I, Doc, but there was... was... an attack on Zerkus III and my transport was the only ship in the area."

"Zerkus III? Luffa, I'm so sorry, I, well, I had no idea--!"

"Relax, Dotz. They weren't Jindan cultists, so you probably... ow!... probably couldn't have predicted this. You were looking for Saiyan invasions, and this was a band of Zoons, trying to take advantage of the chaos. Thought they could pick on a planet further away from the fighting, but I made them regret it. Hah! You should have seen the looks on their stupid faces. Doc won't be putting them back together, that's for sure."

"I... I should have been able to predict that... even if they were Zoons, I should have..."

"Doctor, please, is she going to be all right?"

"That is precisely what I want to find out. I will get her stabilized and begin a complete examination. I think it would be prudent to take the ship somewhere safe, before any other enemies happen along."

"I can't just leave her like this--"

"Ms. Zatte, if there were someone else aboard who could handle it, I would not be asking you. With respect to Ms. Dotz's proficiency with the ship's helm controls, I do not believe she has the tactical knowledge to keep the ship out of danger in case of an attack."

"We don't need to run. I don't care how banged up I am. I'm still the Super Saiyan. No one would dare come after... ah... huh... and even if they did, I'd.... I'd...."

"Come on. You can't help her right now. The best thing we can do for her is to get back to the bridge."

"Dotz...? Okay. I know. You're right."

"Hey.... hey, where are they going...?"

"Not far, I assure you. Now, please. Lie still."

"Hey, Doc?"

"Yes?"

"I've gotta... gotta get back out there.... soon..."

"Yes well... I will see what I can do."

*******

[23 May, 233 Before Age. Interstellar Space.]

There was a small desk in the back of the star-yacht's sickbay, and Topsas positioned himself behind it while he spoke to them. As he lacked the necessary anatomy for it, he gave Zatte the chair, and she sat next to the nearest bed, with Luffa in it. Despite Luffa's objections, Zatte held her hand while he gave them an update on Luffa's condition.

He had repaired the most serious injuries, and she was in no immediate danger. One of her lungs had been punctured, and there had been a hairline fracture on her skull, and a few other life-threatening issues. That still left a lot of smaller ones that could worsen if they weren't treated properly. The young women looked at him eagerly, hoping for some quick answer that would allow them to get on with their lives. Being an arachnoid life form, he wasn't completely familiar with humanoid body language, but he had seen their faces on thousands of patients over the years, all silently pleading for him to tell them how long it would take to return their lives to normal. At times, he felt like a judge sentencing a convicted criminal.

"Two months of stasis," he began. "That is my first and most robust recommendation. You will be sedated and kept in a bio-regenerative chamber to promote proper healing. I would take you out of the chamber for an examination, and if all goes as expected, we could begin localized therapies on the damaged tendons."

"Two months?" Luffa gasped.

"In stasis?" Zatte said.

"Let me be clear,that would be a total of sixty days of unconsciousness," Topsas said. "That time need not be consecutive. Many patients do this for a few days at a time, coming out of the chamber to attend to personal affairs, be with their families, and so forth. But since your personal affairs always seem to involve extreme violence, I believe it would be best to keep you under until the treatment is complete. Better sixty days in a row than a hundred or more in and out of the chamber."

"Doc, the whole war could change in sixty days," Luffa said. "If you take me out of circulation that long, it could--"

"Ah-ah! Let me finish that sentence for you. If I were to take you out of 'circulation' for that long, it could prevent your enemies from taking you out of the war permanently. Where would your Federation be then?"

"He's right, Luffa," Zatte said. "If you keep throwing yourself into these battles, you're just going to get worse. You'd be playing right into their hands. You knew it from the beginning."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know," Luffa said. "Look, I'm sorry. To both of you. I said I'd try to pace myself, and I really did try. But these attacks keep on coming, and every time I try to let someone else handle it, people get killed. I can't just stand back and watch... I mean, I know I have to, but..."

She screwed her eyes tightly, as though fighting back tears. When she opened them again, it was clear that she had failed. "I can still do more," she said. "I feel like crap, but I still have so much power that I can tap into. More than enough to make a difference out there. How can I stand by while people out there need that kind of help?"

"Luffa, some would say you have done more than enough already," Topsas said. "No one is asking you to resign from the war altogether. You mustn't feel obligated to risk your own health and safety like this. Not for persons you don't even know."

"Why not? It's what you would do," Luffa said.

"I?" Topsas thought she was joking. "You must have me mistaken with some eight-legged war hero. Perhaps a fantasy creature from one of the tales of your ancestors."

"Your modesty is sickening sometimes, you know that?" she said with a frown. "You remember the Tikosi planet, don't you? Because I sure as hell can't forget it."

"I don't see what that unpleasantness has to do with--"

"You rescued me... you barely knew anything about me, but Keda went to you for help and..."

"Merely keeping tabs on a patient," Topsas said. "I had used a considerable amount of webbing to stitch you back together, and I could hardly let that go to waste--"

As he said this, the gentle tone that represented Luffa's pulse began to speed up. Other readouts of her vital signs began to fluctuate. She began to breathe harder. Zatte tried to calm her down, and Luffa pulled her hand away from hers. And just when Topsas was about to move to check on her, she spoke again.

"I know... we don't talk about that day very much around here," Luffa finally said. "And that's mostly because of me. I was weak, and I have to live with the consequences of that weakness. But when it was all over, I turned into that thing for the first time, and I didn't know if I could turn it off, and you reached out to me, offering to help. I think that might be the bravest thing I've ever seen, and I refuse to listen to you brush it off like it doesn't matter. It matters to me. It matters a lot."

He didn't know how to answer that, and it was clear that she had nothing else to say. At last, it was Zatte who spoke. "Luffa, you've got to listen to Dr. Topsas. You can't go on like this. And if he had a better way, don't you think he would tell us?"

She looked at Zatte, then back at Topsas, and then turned her head away. "How soon can we start?" she grumbled.

"Today, if you wish," Topsas said. "I had the necessary equipment loaded on the ship while you were away."

"Hold on," Zatte said. "If we're doing this, we need to figure out where to take the ship while Luffa's under. We'll be vulnerable in the meantime, and if we set down on an inhabited world, we'll risk getting caught in an invasion."

This was not unexpected from her. Zatte came from a survivalist culture, and her she saw nearly everything as an arrangement of threats and safeguards. She was somewhat extreme in her thinking, but in this case her beliefs all converged on the most sensible course of action. She was certain that Luffa was destine to do good for the universe, which meant that Luffa had to be protected until she was healthy enough to resume that work. "Very well. I suggest you and Ms. Dotz devise up with an itinerary," he said. "I can sedate Luffa as soon as you feel it's safe."

"There's an asteroid field in the Pillimede System," Zatte said to Luffa. "We'll start there, and if Dotz doesn't foresee anyone following us, we can do a silent running for a few weeks." She stood up to leave. "I'll come see you before you go under, okay?"

"All right," Luffa said. "Just... all right. Let's get this over with." As soon as Zatte left sickbay, Luffa leaned back in her bed and let out a despondent sigh.

"I know this is difficult for you," Topsas said.

"It doesn't matter," Luffa said. "It's the only way, right? Sorry I blew up at you. If you don't want to brag about what you've done for me, that's none of my business. I just wish you saw yourself the way I see you."

"Ah, and that is my burden, little mammal," he said. Ambling over the desk, he crossed over to her bedside and began tucking her in. "With eight eyes, I have more than enough to see my flaws, as well as my strengths."

"Huh. Maybe you can see better than me, but the rest of my senses are pretty sharp. Maybe it's a matter of smell."

Eventually she drifted off to sleep, leaving Topsas to consider everything they had discussed. Later, he checked an experiment he was running on some tissue samples, and spent the rest of the afternoon monitoring Luffa's vital signs, while he wondered if he was doing the right thing.

********

[26 May, 233 Before Age. Pillimede Asteroid Belt.]

Zatte was true to her word, and when she was satisfied that the ship would be safely removed from combat, she returned to Luffa's side as Dr. Topsas placed her in the eight-foot-long chamber which would be used for the procedure. The equipment was somewhat bulky, but since there were only four of them on board, Topsas wasn't concerned about the space it took up in sickbay. He simply moved the beds away from one wall and placed the chamber on the deck. Once Luffa was inside, he filled with with a blue liquid commonly referred to as "stasis fluid". This was designed to not only surround the patient with the regenerative drugs he planned to use, but it would also sustain Luffa's metabolism while she lay in the chamber. Once she was sedated, the fluid was allowed to fill her lungs, as it contained oxygen-saturated perfluorocarbons. Topsas then went to the desk, where he began reviewing biofeedback data relayed from the chamber's sensors. Zatte knelt down beside the chamber for the next hour or so, before she finally stood up to leave.

"Sixty days of this," she said aloud.

"I do not wish to give you false hope," Topsas said, "but it is possible that she may fully recover sooner than expected. I will keep you informed, of course."

Zatte looked down at the chamber. "It shouldn't be like this," she said. "She should be out there, fulfilling her destiny. And I should be helping her, not just sitting around waiting for her to come out of this box."

"You are helping her," Topsas said. "It may not be glamorous, or even satisfying, but it is absolutely necessary."

"I'm sorry," Zatte said. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, it's just that... it's not enough. It's not fair."

"I thought your species was averse to risk," he said. "Keda always spoke so highly of being careful."

"I'm not like other Dorluns, Doctor," Zatte said. "And Keda wasn't being careful when she died. She saved my life."

"Of course."

"She never really saw Luffa the way I do, as a xan-nil'Dor, but I like to think that maybe Keda realized it at the very end. Either way, I think Luffa inspired her more than she wanted to admit. Well, Luffa can't do much inspiring from here, I guess."

She excused herself to check on the ship's systems, and Topsas thought he would welcome the silence. He did not. The gentle chirps of the biofeedback readouts only reminded him of the responsibility he now shouldered. And sooner or later, she would return, and the dilemma would follow. He had no consolation he could offer. Part of him wanted to tell her about the test results, but what good would that do? There were far too many unknowns to consider. He thought that Zatte of all people would appreciate that, but no. It seemed Luffa's wife would welcome a bit of risk if it meant getting her back on her feet.

Later, he checked his messages, and found that one of his children had attempted to contact him a few days ago. The terminal on his desk allowed him access to the subspace radio, and Zatte's encryption codes allowed him to send a message with little chance of it being intercepted or traced. Within minutes, he was looking at one of his own kind, though younger, and with a browner coloration.

"Dad," he said.

"Turner. This is something of a surprise," Topsas said. How are you, son?"

"I'll feel a lot better once you're out of Federation Space," Turner said. "There's a war on, or hadn't you noticed?"

"Now that you mention it, I had begun to suspect as much."

"I'm sending a ship to Woshad. I had to pull some strings to get it across the border, but I know some people, and the captain owes me a favor. They'll arrive next week. That should give you time to get to Woshad and get on board."

"Whatever for, son?"

Turner regarded him through the viewscreen and tensed his pedipalps in exasperation. "I'm trying to get you out of there, dad. Please, just get on the ship. Or if you've got some other travel arrangements, we can set up a rendezvous somewhere else. Just tell me when and where and we'll work it out."

"I'm afraid I can't leave at this time," he said. "I have a patient who needs me."

"Luffa," he groaned.

"You know I'm not at liberty to discuss--"

"Oh, come on, dad," Turner said. "It's the Federation, the one she founded, and you haven't stopped talking about that mammal since you gave up your practice on Plutark VII. And you know, for a while I was grateful to her for pulling you away from the Deathmatches, but now you've followed her into something a thousand times worse."

"It is hardly like that at all--"

"Then tell me what it is," Turner insisted. "Tell me why the almighty Federation needs Dr. Topsas to play medic in their warzone."

"She is badly hurt," Topsas explained. "The fighting has been very fierce, and if I do not mend her injuries from time to time, it could jeopardize countless lives."

"And they need you for that? You're telling me that you're the only qualified doctor in the entire Federation who can work on her?"

"I am the best qualified," Topsas countered. "Honestly, very few doctors are familiar at all with Saiyan medicine. And Luffa is a unique specimen among a unique species."

"And that justifies you running around in the middle of a war? Where are you right now?"

"I'd prefer not to answer that at this time," Topsas said. "It's not that I don't trust you, son, but if the enemy were to intercept and decode this message, they might find out--"

"Wonderful. Wonderful," Turner groaned. "So it's a matter of national security, is it? Should I contact the Federation Embassy, then?"

"I doubt they even know of my involvement," Topsas replied. "My presence here is somewhat unofficial. I've been told that my modesty is rather 'sickening'. Perhaps I should have requested a field promotion..."

"Enough! Dad, I've had all I can stand! Listen to me, you're not even a Federation citizen. This isn't your war!"

"She is my patient," Topsas argued.

"So what, then? You'll follow her until she dies?! Until you die?! Do you even care what that means?"

"Turner, please calm down," Topsas pleaded. "I appreciate that you are upset, but--"

"I'm upset because you care more about that Saiyan than your own family! Chelik and Lister called me, you know. They never call, but they heard about this war and no one had heard from you in weeks, and sure enough the last letter you sent was from Federation coordinates, just like before!"

"I assure you, son, I am quite safe here. If you like, I can contact Chelik, Lister, and the others to make certain they understand."

"Oh, they understand just fine, dad," Turner said. "That's why they called me. Because that's how this family works. Someone does something reckless or stupid, and then it's time to call in Turner to fix it. And why not? I've got Turner Polymer Industries, and all the resources that go with it. I can just hire a ship to go into a war zone and fetch you, no trouble at all. It's not like I have any problems of my own to worry about!"

"Son, if you need my help..."

"What I need is my father to stop running off on these ridiculous adventures!" Turner thundered. "I need you to listen to me, just once. Just once, and do the sensible thing." He held up one finger on one of his forelimbs as he said this. Topsas could see the desperation in his eyes very clearly.

"I promise you that I won't take any undue risks, Turner," he said. "I have friends here who are very careful about this sort of thing. But I must ask you to understand. I cannot leave just yet. There is simply too much at stake."

"This is about Nwitt, isn't it?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Turner drew a short breath before continuing. "I know it was hard for you. It was hard for all of us. Ninth Eye, she was my sister! I miss her every day. We all do. But ever since she died, you've been getting mixed up with these lost causes, trying to save people that just aren't worth it! And maybe I should admire that. I've tried to, believe me. But I can't. If it's selfish of me, then I'm selfish, but I just want my father to come home and stay alive."

The words bothered him more than he liked to admit. "Son, I cannot just abandon others in their time of need. I swore an oath, and besides, we have a higher duty to people like Luffa. We have too many eyes to look away, and too many hands not to--"

"I know all that!" Turner said, very nearly shouting. "I read the Scriptures too, you know! I know Nwitt's in the heavenly web, and that one day we'll all be there to join her, and that we have to help where we can, but not this, dammit! If she were here, do you really think she'd want you to throw your life away like this?"

"I'll be all right, son," Topsas said. This was the most he had spoken with him in some time. Turner was normally so reserved, so quiet, ever the picture of the successful entrepreneur. And Turner had been angry with him before, but never quite like this. He regretted that he had caused his son such anguish, though he didn't fully understand how. He wished he knew some way to convince him.

"Yeah. Yeah, you'll be fine, probably," Turner muttered. "But what about next time, and the next? One of these days you'll go somewhere that even I can't get you out of. All for some 'Super Saiyan' I've never even met. And when the law of averages finally catches up to you? Well, I guess I'm just supposed to suck it up and pretend it doesn't bother me."

"I'm sorry," was all Topsas knew to say. It didn't seem to be enough. Turner had been an adult for a very long time. All of his children had grown up ages ago. Suddenly, Turner looked very much to him the way he did as a child, inconsolable over something that most would call trivial, but Topsas always knew meant the world to him.

"I don't want you to be sorry," Turner said, his voice now low and weary. "I just want you to get on that transport next week. Just come home, dad. Please. I don't want Luffa to suffer, or anyone else but... please. Just get on the transport."

"Turner, I--"

Turner looked somewhat embarrassed now, either by his outburst, or his pleas, or the emotions that had motivated them. "I have to go," he said. "I... Well, I've already said what I have to say. Just... I have to go."

And with that, he closed the transmission, leaving Dr. Topsas looking at his own reflection in the viewscreen.

*******

[28 May, 233 Before Age. Pillimede Asteroid Belt.]

"Am I doing the right thing?" Dr. Topsas asked. It was a loaded question, kept purposely vague, but he asked it over breakfast, as casually as one might ask for another glass of juice.

Dotz looked at him, and her eyes widened with anxiety. "Er, um... yes? I don't... well..."

She was a humanoid, middle-aged, with brown hair that was well on its way to grey. She claimed to have an ancestor of the Kanassan species, though Topsas had found no physiological evidence to support this, aside from her clairvoyant abilities, which could have been entirely coincidental. Taller and heavier than Luffa and Zatte, Dotz was far meeker, and it seemed that she was always pulling her arms close to herself and stooping her head, as though she was worried about taking up too much space. Her loose muave garments seemed designed to conceal herself further, and she was always adjusting her shawl like it was showing too much of the sides of her face.

"I'm speaking of the treatment I prescribed for Luffa," he explained. "I can't help but wonder if this is the right course of action."

"Well, I'm no doctor," Dotz said. "I'm sure whatever you've decided is the best. I know you've taken very good care of me since I got here."

"No, that's not..." Topsas paused and collected himself before continuing. "You've made some very accurate predictions, from what I understand. About the war."

"Oh, well... I didn't catch those Zoons attacking Zerkus III," Dotz said regretfully. "Luffa said it was okay, but I can't help but feel responsible for what she's going through right now."

"Yes, but the battles you have forseen have all come to pass," Topsas reminded her. "Luffa has spoken very highly of your talents, though I am at a loss to explain them. What I'm wondering is whether you've seen any major combat in the next two months. Something that only Luffa would be able to handle."

"Well, uh, you should really talk to Zatte about that," Dotz said. "There are battles going on all over the Federation border. She's been keeping track of them all, so we'll know where Luffa will be needed when she's ready."

"Yes but--!" Topsas steadied himself. It wasn't Dotz' fault that she wasn't understanding what he needed. She was only trying to be helpful in her own, unassuming way. "I don't wish to trouble Ms. Zatte," he explained. "I have just been having... second thoughts. I was hoping that you might be able to predict whether my decisions will turn out for good or ill."

"Oh, you want a reading," Dotz said. "I'll need to look at your palm for that."

"Fortunately, I am well-supplied in that regard," Topsas said as he extended one of his forward limbs across the table for Dotz to examine. It was supposed to be a joke to lighten the mood. He thought humanoids were easily amused by the notion that he had so many hands and eyes, but Dotz didn't seem to notice what he had said. She simply took his hand and cradled it in her own, staring at it like a jeweler inspecting a diamond. While he waited, Topsas resumed eating with his other hands.

"You'll be going on a journey soon," Dotz said.

"That is rather self-evident," Topsas replied. "As I am on board a starship, and travel is inevitable."

"Mm-hmm. Family trouble. They're upset, but they aren't angry with you, just worried. And you'll be fine. One day they'll see that."

"Yes, well, that was hardly what I needed to--"

"In the end... oh, it looks like your wishes will come true. I wonder what that could mean. It sounds like a very happy way to die."

"Yes, but I have more immediate concerns," Topsas said. "The war. How long will it take for Luffa to recover? How many will die during that time? How many deaths could be prevented. You can see this, can't you?"

Dotz looked up at his face and shook her head. "I can't forsee Luffa's fate at all. I think that's why I missed the Zoon attack, because I was, uh, looking for visions of Saiyans in general. I should have been checking for Federation planets, but there's so many of them that it's hard to follow all of them."

"Are you saying that you can predict certain battles, but not whether Luffa will participate in them personally?"

"Uh, well, yes, that's right. And I can't always get the details right. Luffa's told me that sometimes there's more enemies on a planet than I predicted. Sometimes less. I can usually get the date right, but not always the exact hour. But she likes it that way. It makes things 'interesting', is the way she put it."

"Then you have no idea how long it will take her to recover," Topsas groaned. "Or whether I end up using some other treatment."

"Of course I know that, Doctor," Dotz said innocently. "You said it would take about sixty days, didn't you? And what other treatment could there be?"

"What indeed?" Topsas said. He began scraping sauce from the bottom of his bowl, determined not to look her in the eye.

"Something about meeting Luffa increased my psychic abilities," Dotz said, "but they still have, um, limitations. I learned a long time ago that there's a lot you can predict just by paying attention to the present. And I know you're a good doctor, and that you put your patients' welfare first. I don't need to look into the future to know that you'll do the right thing."

She stood up and started gathering their dishes. "Here, let me get those for you. You probably want to go back to sickbay to check on Luffa. Tell her I said hi. Not that... I mean, she probably wouldn't hear you, right? Unless she can hear people while she's asleep? I don't know all her powers."

Topsas handed off his bowl and steepled some of his fingers. He had just run out of people to talk to.

NEXT: Second Opinion

#dragon ball #fanfiction #super saiyan #lssjluffafic #luffa #zatte #dr topsas #dotz

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ivory--raven · 5 years ago

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Analysis: Albus Dumbledore

Dumbledore is a very, very questionable character.

His years with Grindelwald influence what he does much, much later on in life. Albus wanted power, he craved it. He says to Harry (if we believe that that was indeed really him)

I too sought a way to conquer death

and of his relationship with Gellert,

It was the thing, above all, that drew us together. [...] Two clever, arrogant boys with a shared obsession.

We know he defeated Gellert in 1945, but did not kill him, instead locking him in Nurmengard. JK said post-books that Albus was on love with Gellert, and it's hinted at in Crimes of Grindelwald ("oh, we were closer than brothers").

Even many years later, he says

"Me. You have guessed, I know, why the Cloak was in my possession on the night your parents died. James had showed it to me just a few days previously. It explained much of his undetected wrongdoing at school! I could hardly believe what I was seeing. I asked to borrow it, to examine it. I had long since given up on my dream of uniting the Hallows, but I could not resist, could not help taking a closer look... It was a Cloak the likes of which I had never seen, immensely old, perfect in every respect... And then your father died, and I had two Hallows at last, all to myself!"

His tone was unbearably bitter.

Harry asks:

So you'd given up looking for the Hallows when you saw the Cloak?

Dumbledore forces himself to meet Harry's eyes and says

oh yes. You know what happened. You know. You cannot despise me more than I despise myself.

At this point he is talking about the death of his sister Ariana. But although he says he had long since given up on my dream of uniting the Hallows he never says it was no longer his dream, implying that it still tempted him in 1981.

Of Ariana, he says that Harry should despise him, and

you know the secret of my sister's ill health, what those Muggles did, what she became. You know how my poor father sought revenge, and paid the price, died in Azkaban. You know how my mother gave up her own life to care for Ariana.

Another mother sacrificing herself for her child!

I resented it, Harry.

I was gifted, I was brilliant. I wanted to escape. I wanted to shine. I wanted glory. Do not misunderstand m, I loved them. I loved my parents. I loved my brother and my sister, but I was selfish, Harry, more selfish than you, who are a remarkably selfless person, could possibly imagine. So that, when my mother died, and I was left the responsibility of a damaged sister and a wayward brother, I returned to my village in anger and bitterness. Trapped and wasted, I thought! And then, of course, he came...

Grindelwald. You cannot imagine how his ideas caught me, Harry, inflamed me. Muggles forced into subservience. We wizards triumphant. Grindelwald and I, the glorious young leaders of the revolution.

Oh, I had a few scruples. I assaged my conscience with empty words.

Of the ressurection stone, he said

To me, I confess, it meant the return of my parents, and the lifting of all responsibility from my shoulders

He says that he was

offered the post of Minister of Magic not once, but several times. Naturally, I refused. I had learned that I was not to be trusted with power.

Before 1945, then, Dumbledore has the idea in his head that he should not have power, that he is too easily tempted by it.

it would not be unreasonable, I think, to wonder if he saw another boy, gifted, brilliant, clever, arrogant, and decided that he ought not have power either, that he was too similar to Albus himself and Gellert, who during this time was wreaking havoc in the wizarding world.

He says that he despises himself, and it's possible that that was the root of his dislike of the next child he met with similar traits: Tom Riddle. An orphan, a dislike if those 'less than' him, a penchant for cruelty he was seemingly unbothered by.

The greater good drove much of what Albus does. He knew Tom was a Parselmouth, and did not come forward even when Myrtle died - instead choosing to inform Tom that the school would close if it didn't stop, thus bringing an end to the basilisk's hunt... Perhaps he hoped Tom would be legally disposed of, a threat gone, and the lives of a few students were an acceptable sacrifice - the 'any harm done' he mentions - for the well-being of the people he feared Tom would kill if allowed to roam free - the 'benefits he talked about'.

Albus often seems to make justifications like this.

He was witnessing, after all, another boy with a cruel streak, lofty ideas of himself, ambition and dislike of the idea of dying, wreak havoc on the Wizarding World.

Years later, he traded Harry's life for others. Severus finds out in a rather unpleasant way: Albus says

We have protected him because it had been essentiitk teach him, to raise him, to let him try his strength. Meanwhile, the connection between them grows ever stronger, a parasitic growth: sometimes I have thought he suspects it himself. If I know him, he will have arranged things so that if he does set out to meet his death, it will truly mean the end of Voldemort.

We have protected him because it had been essential teach him, to raise him, to let him try his strength. Meanwhile, the connection between them grows ever stronger, a parasitic growth: sometimes I have thought he suspects it himself. If I know him, he will have arranged things so that if he does set out to meet his death, it will truly mean the end of Voldemort.

Severus is horrified:

You have kept him alive so that he can die at the right moment?

Albus says,

Don't be shocked, Severus. How many men and women have you seen die?

And...

Harry understood at last that he was not supposed to survive. His job was to walk calmly into Death's welcoming arms. Along the way, he was to dispose of Voldemort's remaining links to life, so that when at last he flung himself across Voldemort's path, and did not raise a wand to defend himself, the end would be clean, and the job that ought to have been finished in Godric's Hollow would be finished: Neither would live, neither could survive.

Harry feels terror. He wonders if dying will hurt. It does not occur to him that he has a choice, that he could try something else... and he thinks

Dumbledore's betrayal was almost nothing.

Harry thinks through Albus' plan, and is not angry. Instead, he considers himself 'foolish' for not seeing the big plan. He thinks he has failed because Nagini lives. He wants to do what Albus would have wanted even now.

To reach that point, he had ten years of belittlement, ten years of living, underfed, in a cupboard, malnourished - in the first book it is mentioned that he is short, scrawny and had knobbly knees because of a lifetime spent in confinement.

And then the bearded, wise wizard, a grandfatherly man, cared for him.

Harry doesn't remember caring adults. He craved approval. When Albus puts his life in danger, (and Albus himself admits that they were tests to prepare Harry for his death) Harry says that it is good of Albus to allow Harry the choice.

It isn't a choice, not really. Harry has been conditioned not to think of any options.

Harry is trained up just as Albus planned. And in the end, he did what Albus wanted.

He arranged everything because, on Albus' orders, Severus told Harry about Albus' idea that Harry would have arranged everything!

Even from the grave, his portrait was manipulating Severus into living a lie and risking his life again and again, no longer for the woman he loved, just because Albus wants him to and has convinced Severus to do it..

The power Albus had was not the power he had feared, but it was power nonetheless

Harry did one thing differently. One thing Albus had not planned

And that was offering Tom the chance to redeem himself. Again and again, Harry tries to explain, tries to tell Tom about what he doesn't know - and strips Tom down to his very core, to the arrogant, gifted, so very brilliant boy, a boy clever enough and arrogant enough to catch himself in a complex trap.

Harry asks Tom to redeem himself.

Albus didn't think Tom could be redeemed.

Tom refused.

And why wouldn't he, when nobody who knew of his ambitions believed he had any chance of loving, of empathy? He had been taught nothing. Even Harry had a loving family to observe, and later on the Weasleys showed him that love, but Tom? An orphan among many others, hated for his powers, someone presumed to be a muggleborn in Slytherin, returning year after year to deadly, war torn London? It isn't hard to see where he got the idea that he was not cared for, not loved, not really... And if he couldn't have it wasn't worth having!

Albus' downfall was believing too much in war and absolute power, and not truly embracing the love he preached. Albus is a man of sacrifice and trade offs. In the ghostly station, Harry sees a crying baby and feels bad, and Albus sees a vanquished enemy and is satisfied. He convinces Harry to believe that he is right - Albus believes himself. Harry, a boy told again and again that he was worthless, a liar, a boy who had had everything he believed in ripped out from under him multiple times, finds it easier to be convinced then to believe his first instinct.

Albus didn't believe in forgiveness. He did not forgive himself, he did not forgive Severus. He kept bringing up Severus' past actions to control him. He was unwilling to try and give Tom a second chance.

And perhaps it can all be traced back to a blonde boy whose darkness be thought could be overlooked, but could not, and a redheaded boy fascinated by things he would later condemn, whose past haunted him forever.

#harry potter #character analysis #albus dumbledore #analysis #Dumbledore #fan theories

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sarahhlauren · 5 years ago

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Okay. Here we go. I’m really not sure where to start so I guess I’ll start from the beginning of all this madness. It was May 18, 2019. My mom’s birthday. I headed to work in the afternoon. I always closed on Sunday nights. My favorite bartender was working. We had spent the night making stupid jokes and making each other laugh until the last customer walked out the door. I closed at work like I usually did, not trying to stay too late because it was a school night. Monday morning comes, I wake up and for the first time, my body was not mine. It was not my own skin, it was not my own legs, my own hands. I couldn’t tell you what my face looked like because it was maybe 2 weeks until I could look at myself in the mirror. But, the world did not stop. There was work to be done, right? I had my first therapy session at 9 am, because prior, I had been dealing with severe depression, a final at 11, and my last final at 2. I had to focus on doing well and finishing out the semester, putting aside the fact that I felt like a ghost in my own body and mind. For the record, I got a 4.0 that semester, for the first time ever in college.

So it's late afternoon, I made it through my finals. I text my best friend, saying I need to come over and talk. As soon as I laid on her bed, I burst into tears as it took everything in me to say the words, “He raped me.” Even now, a year later, I hate that. It will never not make my stomach hurt. Within an hour, I was talking to three police officers, going over the incident in disgusting detail over, and over, and over again. Being asked questions a young woman should never have to be asked, especially by three young male officers. A few hours later, I was at the hospital. I went through the entire questioning process again from the nurse. A few moments later, I found myself standing there, naked. Being photographed, touched by a stranger, poked and prodded. I will never forget the posters of puppies with silly hats they have on the ceiling, as if that’s supposed to distract you from the flashes of the camera as you lay with your legs in the air. She forgot to mention that the hospital’s Plan B would have me in bed for 2 days. It felt like my insides were being scraped out with a rusty fork.

A few days later I eventually came home, and my mom was eager. She knew something was wrong but wanted to let me tell her on my own terms. The look in her face as tears streamed down her face fills me with so much anger I could punch something. That she had to hear those words and understand the gravity of the situation, and that I was pursuing legal action.

It was exactly one week after I saw him again. Not only did I see him, but I worked with him. Not just this one night, but for months. Because the investigation was active, I couldn’t say anything to my managers. This was the hardest part. For weeks, to act like everything was normal. To act like I wasn’t having multiple panic attacks throughout my shift. To act like I wasn’t getting alerts on my apple watch that my heart rate was pushing 120 bpm for hours. To act like I wasn’t in the presence of my rapist, as he was still approaching me. To act like I was listening to customers talk, when I was blacked out. If I didn’t act like things were normal, it could jeopardize the investigation. I am fully aware that some people may be questioning my actions. I don’t feel I have to defend myself to anyone. It was an impossible and unimaginable situation. I did the best that I could at the time, and I am so proud of myself for it. I chose to not take the easy way out. I chose to not quit my job. I chose to fight.

About early June, I was finally able to tell my GM what happened. I told them, “I do not feel comfortable working with him, ever again.” The very next shift, a few days later, my GM told me he was working that night and asked if I would “be okay.” What was I supposed to say? If I said no, I would get sent home, and in my mind at the time, that was letting him win. He took so much from me and I refused to let him take any more. So I worked with him that night, and for months. Being retraumatized over and over and over again. It wasn’t until months later that I could see how toxic that environment was for me. In the moment, I truly thought that I could just tough it out and I would be okay. I couldn’t see how much worse those months made my PTSD. Solidifying dozens of triggers, some still unknown to me until I face them.

About 5 months pass by, no news on the investigation. I had heard nothing from the investigator. These months were such a cycle of torture. My job wouldn’t do anything about him without a police report, and the police weren’t giving any updates. Nothing was moving. Meanwhile I am working with him a few days a week, retraumatizing my brain and body dozens of times over.

Trauma, anxiety and depression are really weird. Yes you have the common symptoms of lethargy, no motivation, sleep or appetite issues, but I feel like nobody talks about the blackouts and the memory loss. I have such little memory except for anything trauma related for those first few months. I can tell you every little detail about the following days, and weeks related to the incident. I can tell you what kind of car he has, his license plate, the exact parking spot that he parked his car in. I can tell you exactly what time he drove to work, which days he worked. I checked his schedule every week so I had time to mentally prepare myself to work with him on a given night. Do I remember my college visits? Not really. Do I remember anything I did that summer? No, unless I look back at photos. The memory loss is real, and it's weird.

Finally, my job transferred him to a different store. I felt a sense of freedom. Freedom to turn around at work without fear that he was looking at me. Freedom to walk to my car at night without a manager’s escort. Freedom to feel comfortable again, or at least try to.

Around mid-October, I met with the investigators again about the progress of the case. This time, it was two women investigators and I in a small room in the Sex Crimes Investigation Department in Orange County. It felt like they were on my side, or at least they were supposed to be. I didn’t anticipate being thoroughly questioned again. The same intrusive questions felt different coming from a woman, almost worse in a way. We got to the point where the investigators told me straight up, “it's your word against his, we have no proof of his guilt and without it, can’t move forward.” That was it. It was over. There was nothing I could do.

I did my best to move on, whatever the heck that means. There’s a lot I could say about my healing process, that is still very much going on and will be for a while. I’ll try to keep it limited. The most important thing I want to say about it, is that it is not linear. From May-August I thought I was fine, I was in denial. Then, someday it hit me and I understood the situation on a different level. One of the things I learned is how depression can impact memory. I have little memory of that summer, outside of events and emotions related to my assault. Each day brings something different. Similar to grief, some days are better than others. Triggers that once upset me, no longer upset me. Triggers I didn’t know existed last August, send me into a panic now. I still live in constant fear of seeing him, knowing that he is out there, living his life. Working through PTSD on top of preexisting mental health conditions was more than I ever could have imagined. It’s hard, it sucks and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I don’t have much else to say about that right now.

One of the most interesting concepts I read about in a book about trauma is called “learned helplessness”. I remember learning about this maybe junior or senior year in psychology class, but it never stuck until it applied to me. “Learned helplessness, in psychology, a mental state in which an organism forced to bear aversive stimuli, or stimuli that are painful or otherwise unpleasant, becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters with those stimuli, even if they are “escapable,” presumably because it has learned that it cannot control the situation.” Essentially, it explains why traumatized individuals tend to stay in the environments or climates that harbor the trauma. For me, it helps to explain why I stayed at work instead of quitting.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I would not be where I am today without the support system that I have. I am grateful every single day for my family and loved ones who support me unconditionally and have been with me at any point in this process.

I want to recognize how lucky I am, because I truly am. I am lucky to have been in a position where I could go to the police for help (regardless of the outcome), because many victims do not have that luxury. I am lucky to have had access to medical care. I am lucky to have continuous access to mental health professionals. I am lucky to have friends and family who believe me, who never questioned me. I am lucky that it wasn’t worse than it was. I am lucky to be alive, because not everyone is as lucky as I am.

I have a lot of reasons as to why I wanted to share my story. I want to make very clear that pity and attention are neither of my reasons. One of the main ones, is that I want to contribute the conversation about sexual assault and sexual violence. A big part of what motivated me to pursue legal action was the thought of me not being his last victim. Almost immediately I felt a sense of responsibility. Responsibility to do something about this, because again, I am lucky enough to have access to resources to do so. I hope this can spark conversations about the necessity of affirmative and continuous consent, regardless of circumstances.

Another big reason is to highlight the series of injustices throughout this process that have nothing to do with my rapist. I will not name names, however many of you will know the people that I am talking about. In no way am I attempting to slander them, I aim to simply draw attention to where I felt they failed me. I just want everyone to do better. To try harder. To do the right thing, regardless of company policy or whatever hardship it might bring them.

The first one, I believe was on behalf of the police. I understand the need to secure the privacy of the investigation, but they told me to “go back to work and act like everything is normal.” This was, and is wrong. I felt like I had to, because the police told me, and I’m supposed to trust them, right? Wrong. I feel they could have come up with a better solution, providing me more support than that.

The second one, would be by SO many people within the company that I worked for. My GM, the senior HR manager, and the 2 regional managers who were aware of the situation. All of them had the ability to not only relocate him, but fire him at the snap of their fingers, but they didn’t. I have my thoughts on why they didn’t, and all of them put my wellbeing at the bottom of the pile. The senior HR manager called me every so often to check in, and see how I was doing. It was made very clear that he didn’t give a shit about me and this was just a routine part of his job when he told me over the phone, “Thank goodness I don’t have a daughter, only sons.” This HR manager ultimately ended up telling my rapist the police were involved, which is very much illegal for a few reasons, and is ultimately responsible for ruining the investigation.

The third one was the investigator within the Special Victims Unit assigned to my case. Take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t know if I just got a subpar investigator or this is how they all are, but Olivia Benson would put them to shame. Without going into too much detail, I never felt heard. I felt like they couldn’t wait to get this case out of the way and never put in any real effort.

I would absolutely be lying if I said that I didn’t have any anger. I am so angry. I am fucking angry that this happened. I am so angry at all the ‘adults’ that I went to for help, and didn’t receive it. I am angry that I’m not the first girl that he’s done this to. I’m angry that I can’t prove it. I’m angry that in a court of law it’s his word against mine. I’m angry that he admitted he heard me say no, but it was the one time I didn’t put my phone in my pocket and take a voice recording. I am angry that a year later, I am still suffering every single day. I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I still think about it every damn day. I am angry that he gets to live his life as he wishes. I am angry that I am filled with petrifying fear that it will happen again. I am angry that I’ve spent months, now a year, in therapy talking about him. I am angry that I am angry!!

20% of women will experience rape in their lifetime, and 1 out of every 10 rape victims is male. This is real and it happens. It happened to me. But it didn't have to. And it doesn’t have to keep happening. We all hold the power to make it stop. Start the conversations. Don’t laugh at jokes about sexual assault, because it’s not funny. Correct your friends, family, coworkers, bosses, and neighbors when they make jokes that contribute to rape culture. Stop supporting that behavior. If you see something, DO SOMETHING. Be the one to stop it. Be the one to step in. Be the difference. Break the cycle, do better, be better.

Again, thank you to all of those who have stuck by my side at any point in my journey. I appreciate you all more than you know and I love you all so much more than my words can possibly express.

Thank you, and you know who you are, for showing me what it’s like to be respected, to be loved. That it's possible to be comfortable in my own skin. To let your light shine through to the darkness that existed within me. To show me how strong I am, what I am capable of, and what I am worth. I am forever grateful for you and your grace.

For those of you who aren’t as fortunate, I am here. I am here to listen, to confide in, to help, to advocate, to love, to protect you. I am here for you.

For those of you know someone who has experienced sexual assault or violence, believe them. Be there and listen to what they want and what they need. Love them and remind them of the good, because there is so much more good than bad in the world.

For those of you that have read this far, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear my story. I hope to have impacted you for the better.

-sb :)

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englacial · 5 years ago

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ok this will probably be the only time i post about this but i just really wanted to make a post apologizing for my unreliability in activity here & the fact that i basically ghosted some very good friends who absolutely didn’t deserve that with no explanation -- nothing prompted this & things seem to be all good but i don’t want anyone thinking i just dropped off the map for no reason so im gonna give just a little insight to everything that’s been going on ! (long post ahead) <3

as a lot of my friends here know, in february of 2017 i got married (i was 19 and can say with certainty now it was a huge mistake & i made a hasty and immature decision but really could not see that at the time), i was super excited, felt like i was in a good relationship & was finally able to live my life, all that good sappy stuff -- so i literally moved across the country into a totally new state away from my friends & family with a fresh start with this person thinking that this was a great way to get out of my abusive living situation (as some of you who have been w me a long time may recall i got kicked out, was briefly homeless, and my life fell to literal shit) and also have someone who cared about me. but as some people suspected (and im really sorry for not taking your concerns for me more seriously, i know now that i shouldn’t have treated it so flippantly, i was just really blinded by my love for this person and i don’t think anyone could’ve gotten through) it was just... not all i made it out to be. he was really abusive and controlling and i made excuses for him and defended him, i let myself excuse a lot of things, wrote off any and all red flags, and ended up alienating a lot of friends (and family) who were just worried about me.

there were several moments later in my relationship that i started to realize what was happening, but i tried really hard to fix it within our relationship. i literally convinced myself i could change him. i pushed for counseling, group therapy, self help books, literally ANYTHING i could in an attempt to get him to see what he did. at one point i even sat down in the car with him to discuss things that needed fixing and he told me to my face that he didn’t think i deserved things. like direct quote “i just don’t feel like you deserve things”.

it was bad, but i was still making excuses and still convinced he was a good person with good intentions just misdirected. (i was way off).

it wasn’t until january of this year that i kind of had the biggest wake up call as to the things he was putting me through and that he just... wasn’t a good person, and it took him divorcing me for it to really hit me everything that happened.

in january, he announced out of the blue that he was divorcing me but that he still wanted a relationship with me but that he felt we needed to “work on ourselves separately” to do better in our relationship. i ignorantly believed him at first and for a few months post-divorce we had an “open relationship” (really just his way of having his cake and eating it to, he wanted all the benefits of a relationship with me without the work and i didn’t realize that initially), however i pretty quickly found out this was him wanting to control me and still have the romantic/sexual benefit he got from our relationship without the burden of having to actually communicate and work on himself the way he claimed. he watched me get a job, get my own car, and do everything i was supposed to without him ever lifting a finger to do hard work on himself & eventually i got fed up. over the few months of getting divorced i found out that he stole over $500 from me to buy my plane ticket home + a ticket for himself (the money was from savings i had for a camera so i could start doing photography, i thought he had ordered the camera but he actually used all of the money for the plane ticket which i only discovered later when .. lol, my camera never showed up and i confronted him), he gave me only 20 days to collect my things and arrange a new living situation (which put me back in the home of my abusive mom whom i still have to live with), made numerous threatening and scary posts about me on his social media accounts, i discovered he’d been cheating with potentially multiple women (when he shipped back some of the remainder of my possessions, there were clothes and beauty products that didn’t belong to me among them), i found transphobic posts he’d written about me being nonbinary & literally just SO MUCH other stuff that was absolutely unacceptable.

there’s way to much that happened post-divorce to even go into and this isn’t even including the things that occurred WHILE we were married. it just wasn’t a good thing at all.

in the midst of all of this, very recently, he alerted me no more than 6 months AFTER our alleged divorce at the beginning of july to tell me that the paperwork got kicked back to him and we were never actually divorced and that he had known SINCE BEFORE I HAD GOTTEN HOME that we weren’t officially divorced. it’s been a struggle getting things sorted, he’s committed all sorts of fraud, tricked me into sending nudes to him (yikes), and a whole number of things that have made me really begin to unpack how unhealthy and abusive our relationship was from the start.

he isolated me from all of me friends, regularly would encourage me to cut ties with people i cared about, and even limited my time online which cut into hobbies like this that i really enjoy. additionally, when we would visit my hometown, he would primarily want to spend time with his own family & wouldn’t give me much time to see mine. there were some other abusive things that happened within the relationship prior to him announcing he was divorcing me, but they’re personal so i won’t go into a lot of detail but it was just very, very bad.

all of this are literal classic warning signs of abuse and i just... really fell for it. it makes me really ashamed to admit that, as someone who has been abused my whole life, i basically fell right into this trap all over again.

on top of all of this and the legal battles resulting, i have been dealing with a medical crisis linked back to a car accident in september of 2017. ive had a lot of bad stuff happen with my health that were tied to the misalignment of my neck and back that i DID NOT EVEN KNOW were related until only a few months ago when i got a second opinion from a much more experienced and adept doctor. ive had multiple surgeries from complications related to injuries i had initially been told didn’t exist, i’ve literally spent thousands of dollars for things that actually could’ve very simply been avoided had my spine been treated properly after my accident.

all of this has just... really taken me out of the rp scene but also made me a really shitty and unreliable friend. being in a controlling relationship isolated me from a lot. ive lost a lot of friends because i was in survival mode even after the relationship ended. i regret that a lot and i understand that it’s hard to be friends with someone when they are not present so ive been working a lot on myself nd how i communicate with the people i love when i feel unable to be in their lives for periods of time for one reason or another.

so now im 22 and divorced with the back problems of a 83 year old who’s three times divorced lmao it’s literally like... i sometimes feel a lot of shame for what i let myself go through but i know it’s not my fault that the person i thought i loved and thought loved me ended up not being who he said he was.

it sucked. there was a lot that happened that i can’t begin to even summarize. i still have some sleepless nights where i wonder why i wasn’t able to see it then when it was literally blatantly obvious what was happening, but hindsight is 20/20.

now, i can pretty happily say i am in a MUCH better situation. things are not perfect (im literally living with an abusive parent again and yikes but it is not near as bad as when i was a teenager), but i am no longer in a relationship that was about the convenience of using me more than it was caring about me, and alllllll of my medical stuff has an active treatment plan that has been working wonders for me!!! (yay!)

so i just wanted to firstly apologize for my inability to be in people’s lives the way ive wanted to. i know that this is hurtful and not ok. it was wrong of me to ghost and leave people wondering where i was or what i was doing and there’s no excuse for that tbh. im actively working to be more present in the lives of people i care about as well as communicate more when i am not able to be that present. it’s taken a lot to get to that point, and i want to secondly affirm that my inability to be consistent and reliable with this hobby as well as consistent and reliable as a friend has nothing to do with any kind of personal slight i had with anyone or anything else. it’s been a rough few years, it took me a long time to see that i was in a situation that was harming me, and there was a lot of fallout as a result.

rest assured, i intend to do a lot better about being here now that i feel like im properly adjusted. you can expect me to be a lot more communicative if i take time away and a lot more attentive to the things and relationships that i want in my life. ive taken way too much shit and let myself sacrifice too many people and situations for ONE person whose end goal was nothing more than using me to his convenience. i am not going to lose that again.

im in a much healthier relationship, taking care of the responsibilities i have as an adult, and have an active treatment plan for my various health needs that has improved my condition significantly. like, ya’ll.... life may not be perfect right now but it’s pretty damn good from where it was nd im excited to continue to grow and do better (for real this time) especially now that i feel like i can do the things i love again (like writing here with all of you lovely people).

thanks for reading!! sorry things have been sporadic, unreliable, confusing, and that i haven’t been a very good friend. i recognize these things & want to prove that i can do better now that i have a handle on things.

#* here for a good time not a long time / ooc #anyway... i didn't just want to show up out of the blue (AGAIN) and offer no explanation #i know that a lot of my friends are kind of fed up and if not fed up are just confused and worried and hurt #just want to offer some insight into... everything #i love the people ive met here very much #i love this hobby very much it has genuinely gotten me through a lot!#so i owe it to the community and the people here to explain what the fuck has been going on & yeah it's a lot #im not going to push this further tbh i just want my actions to speak for themselves as to how i intend to do better #i know telling people what im gonna do only does so much lmao i have to actually ACT on that and do it #but anyway!! here's this. thanks for reading ! triggers are tagged #abuse tw #car accident tw #long post //#(if you notice anything else that needs to be tagged let me know!)

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

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Survey #230

“this is where i wanna grow old, so i’m just praying i don’t make parole.”

Has a movie ever made you cry? Yeup. Do you smile open-mouthed or closed-mouthed? Usually open. I look higher with my mouth closed, lol. What gaming systems do you own? A PS2, Wii, gaming laptop, DS Lite, and a GameBoy Advance. Do you know anyone else with your last name other than family? Not off the top of my head. Is your favorite band still together? Yeah. Any movies your looking forward to seeing? I want to see both Joker and IT: Chapter II. Where do you see most of your concerts? Only been to one, which was in Raleigh. Have you ever had escargot? No, I NEVER will. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Hell yeah. Do you save seats for your friends in class? I don't have real friends at college yet, just like a couple acquaintances. Back in high school and younger, I did occasionally with my purse or something. Depended on where we were. How many people do you know with red hair? I don't care enough to count, honestly. Three off the very top of my head. Have you ever wondered what you look like when you’re sleeping? Yeah. Are your parents proud of you? I mean they say so, but I doubt it a lot. Would you ever be your schools mascot who wears that costume? NO. Those sound so gross and hot. Have you ever had a pet fish? Multiple. What age did you start staying home alone? Idr. Would you rather see the Great Wall of China or Big Ben? Big Ben appeals to me more, but the Great Wall would probably impress me more. Can you do a handstand? Nope. What’s a brand of shoe you like, but wouldn’t buy a pair? I like studded and spiked high heels like, A LOT. Are you reading any books right now? Not currently. Sara sent me the first Wings of Fire book because I'm interested in reading it, I just normally read at school when I have no work to do, and for a looooong while now I have always been busy doing schoolwork while I wait in the library for Mom to finish her classes. Any plans for tomorrow? No. Who did you last take a picture with? My kitty. How do you like your chicken? Breaded, typically. Like as nuggets and such. What’s your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic. What song are you listening to? I've been binging the "I Don't Wanna Be Free" song from AHWM since it came out man. It's not even biased, Mark's voice has just gotten so fucking GOOD and I'm so proud and in love- Do you have any bruises? No. What’s the last thing you googled? How to make a rounded border of a square in Photoshop bc I forgot while making stuff for Sara. How often do you use a real dictionary? Never. They're pretty much obsolete. When you were little did your mom ever sing to you? Yeah. What’s the reason you last laughed really hard? Um idr. Who do you sit with at lunch? I don't go to the school cafe, so. How long have your parents been together? They were together like... I wanna say 18 years? Somewhere around 20. What’s your favorite kind of Gatorade? EW none. Out of all your friends, whose house have you stayed at the most? I really don't have any current friends whose houses I've gone to. So Sara, if you count her. Who is one person you couldn’t imagine life without? My mom. The idea of her dying is fucking terrifying beyond possible words for me. What’s your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King. Are you camera shy? Yes bc I hate my body. Just let me be behind it. Are you politically correct? It really depends on what the subject is. We've become too politically "correct" if you ask me. I'd honestly say I'm mostly not. Eh, idk. Again, it depends. Speaking of politics, do they tend to overexcite you? Quite the opposite, they bore the hell out of me. Are your parents Democratic, Republican, or neither? I'm quite sure Dad is a Republican, but I'm really not sure; Mom, meanwhile, I think she leans more towards Democrat, but fits the "Independent" title well. My stepmother is ANNOYINGLY far-right. I almost regret adding her on FB. What’s the worst household chore? When you don't have a dishwasher, hand-washing dishes. I fucking hate it. Do you get along better with boys or girls, and why? I only say girls because I'm afraid of men. I can befriend a man perfectly fine, just I am going to be VERY paranoid and anxious in the early stages of knowing him. Do you love dreaming? Honestly, I'd almost prefer not to dream, I think. I barely remember mine anyways, and I like the feeling of waking up after a DEEP sleep. Maaaany of my dreams/nightmares involve Jason anyway, so I'd just rather not deal with 'em. Do you have any conditions that you need medication for? I refuse to come off my bipolarity medications. They're the reason I'm not a suicidal tragedy anymore. I could survive without my anxiety meds, but I'd sure prefer not to. What’s a recurring theme in dreams? (I often dream about rollercoasters.) Most of my nightmares/terrors involve me getting into an altercation of some sort, and I'm always unable to defend myself. Should everybody have affordable health insurance? Fuck yes they should. You shouldn't have to go fucking bankrupt to stay alive, goddamn. This subject gets me heated as hell. Creation or evolution? Evolution. Do you have terrible memory? My memory is so incredibly bad I've had borderline anxiety attacks that I have early-onset dementia lmfao. What do you think is the most peaceful religion? I'm not knowledgeable enough on this, but off the top of my head, Buddhism? If you’re feeling frightened, what thoughts tend to comfort you? I am such a baby. It helps me in a lot of situations if my mom is with me. What year were you born in? 1996. What is the best decade for music? '80s, maybe. Or 2000s. Are you prejudiced against anybody? (Other races, gays, etc.) No. Are you a licensed driver? No, but I have my permit. I'm too scared and inexperienced to get my license because I'm too hesitant to drive enough. Do you have any regrets? Yeah. Is there anything you wish you could say to someone right now? I'm going to wish I could tell Jason I'm sorry 'til the day I die, probably. There's things I wanna tell Megan, Hannia... a few people. What time do you normally wake up? If I don't have my 8 AM class, it can range from like, 6-9 AM. Is there anyone not in life anymore, that you wish still was? Plenty of people. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 112. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No. How far away is the closest store to your house and what is it? Uhhhh. The actual town-town I live in is like three minutes away or so, so there's a large amount. I guess the closest is... a dollar store, probably? When was the last time you made out with somebody? A long time ago. What TV show(s) have you been watching currently? None. How many apps do you have on your phone? Just six, but I can't even update one because my phone has such little memory. What pet names do you use with your significant other? Besides the normal ones like "hunny" and stuff, "pretty woman" and then (THEY'RE JOKES/REFERENCES OK) "Bubblebutt" and "Candyass" lmfao. Do you have to wear a name badge where you work? N/A Do you have a dress code or have to wear a uniform where you work? N/A Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? For less than a day. I wouldn't date one now, no. What is your mother’s first name? Donna. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? More like I share it with every white female on Earth. Have there ever been any bushfires/wildfires in your area? Small ones. How would you label your sexual orientation? Bisexual. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. What’s your favorite kind of accent? English. Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Well, I have a separate school email. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. None of us anticipated the airport would take so long. Are you someone who always needs a coffee before you can function? No. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Yes!! Do you know your significant other’s passwords? No, and I don't need to. I have a respect for privacy. What’s your favorite type of salad? Just lettuce with dressing, really. Cucumbers in there is okay, though. Lobster dip or crab dip? Ew. Do you shop at Goodwill? No. Do you make grocery lists? I don't do the grocery shopping, so. When is your next doctor’s appointment? I see my psychiatrist uhhh next week I think, then my main doctor is referring me to a dietitian per my request as of a couple days ago. Do you own a pair of feather earrings? No. Elephants or lions? Visually, lions, but as animals themselves, elephants. What color do you want to dye your hair next? Silver. Do you decorate for Easter? Not anymore, really. We don't decorate for almost anything at this point. Do you have a car? I don't have a license, so why even. Are you the same size you were ten years ago? Bitch I fuckin WISH. Do people mistake you for a teenager? No. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? Get a tattoo and have that gd heavenly drink Sara's dad made me once that Changed My Life. Do you know anyone who’s started a business and been successful? I have an old real photographer friend. Strawberry or watermelon? Strawberries. I'm actually not a big fan of watermelon; it's typically too bland to me. If it's sweet, then hell yeah. What new hobby are you thinking of starting? What's a "hobby." Were you ever a team captain of anything? No. Something I find boring is… TV, usually. If I could give my mother an award it would be for… Her dedication and hard work that's probably unmatched. The most memorable costume I’ve worn is… Idr. My personal hero is… Mark. M-A-R-K. Mark. Markiplier. Fischfuck. Have you heard of Mark Fischbach? An author whose work changed my life is… None. Are you happy with yourself on the outside? (explain) No, but just because I'm overweight. Otherwise, I guess I'd be. Are you happy with yourself on the inside? (explain) Mostly, at least. There're things I hate, things I want to change, all that. Do you take responsibility for your actions? Yes. Do you treat yourself well? Eh. Is there something nobody knows about you (& what)? Yeah, and I'd prefer for it to stay that way. If in a relationship, do you feel you could "do better"? No. Feel like I don't deserve her half the time. Do you have any mental disorders? lol Have you ever stolen from a friend or family member? Wow, no. Money or love? Love. Have you done anything to make someone dislike you (& what)? Not on purpose. Multiple things. Mostly making ridiculous opinions I've had in the past known. Would/did you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? No and no. Would you rather be remembered for something bad or forgotten? Forgotten. Do you boss around your friends, or give in to what they want to do? The latter by far. Do you donate or volunteer as much as you could? I don't have money to donate. I don't have transportation or time for volunteering. Do you believe in a god (& why or why not)? Yeah, 'cuz the Big Bang Theory just doesn't make sense to me. Compacted nothing exploding into everything. But by this point in my life, I really don't care if there is or isn't. Are you spoiled? No. How do you ease anxiety? Deep breathing, music, talking to Mom or Sara... Do you avoid physically unattractive people, even before knowing them? Oh my god. Does your family have a secret? No. If single, would you knowingly be who someone cheats on someone else with? NO. NO. THE GUILT WOULD BE FUCKING ASTRONOMICAL. Choose one living person you’d like to meet. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh y'know I don't have a clue it's not like I love one (1) male homosapien- Are you over-protective of anyone? Maybe Sara. I'm not sure if it reaches the "over" level. What do you think of the name Xiomara (zeo-marah)? Cool as hell, man. Who did you receive your latest notification from? On Facebook? Uhhhhh *checks* my childhood babysitter liked something. How do you know the last person you were in a car with? I came out of her lmao so I mean- Do you support PETA? They are WAY too extreme. Do you honestly hate anyone? My old doctor that fucking destroyed my body. Do you go to church? No. Have you ever been depressed? I've had chronic depression since the 7th grade, so- Or are you a generally happy person? I'm usually just content. Do you think you are a good friend? Yeah. Usually. What is your usual username on sites? "Ozzkat" (rarely with a "0" if it's somehow taken) almost everywhere. Celeb crush? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Non celeb crush? My girlfriend. /v\ Bad habit you are trying to fix? Procrastinating on homework las;djfa;weiraweawer Would you rather go to school or have a job? I'd rather have a goddamn job that I can actually do and enjoy. What is your major? Organismal biology. Favorite cookie? Chocolate chip. Favorite flavor? Strawberry, chocolate... depends on what we're talkin' about. Candles or incense? INCENSE. Would you ever have an abortion? Probably if I was raped. Idk. What do you want for your birthday from your bf or gf? It'd be amazing if she could be here. Favorite flavor of milk? Chocolate. Something you like to do alone? Watch YouTube, draw, write. Something you like doing with friends? Vidya games, go out to see a movie or bowl or something, just hang out and chat. Thick or thin blanket? T H I C C Do you walk around barefoot in your house? Who wears shoes in their house????? tf??????????? u ok?????????????? Do you have a ring on your ring finger? No. Do you know how to type home row? Yeah, that's how I type.

#survey #quiz #questions #bored #random

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omgktlouchheim · 5 years ago

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Word Vomit Wednesday - Romanticizing Rejection

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts where I attempt to process thoughts and feelings around a specific topic or current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Recently, I’ve made some more deliberate efforts to create community and meet people now that I’m more settled and steady in Tucson. This need to venture out and start testing the waters led me to sign up for a three-month virtual community that was being beta-tested by my life-coach. The calls were scheduled to happen once a month for two hours with a max of up to 30 people. They began with an exercise to ground us and any anxieties we might be bringing into the call, a brief ice-breaker to get acquainted with one another, then a specific topic that the majority voted for would be presented, either by my life coach or a volunteer from the group that we would build a conversation around. On the last call that we had in November, the topic was about rejection. Mostly around intimate or romantic relationships, although we also got into the ways we’ve felt rejected by others in often small, subtle ways that resulted in big impacts on our lives. Other than discussing those smaller moments I admit, I was not interested in the topic. I couldn’t quite figure out what was so compelling about rejection.

Then, as I do, I started thinking about it. I read a Refinery29 article that talked about the man who invented “Rejection Therapy,” a game where the aim is to get rejected by others to build resilience to the fear of rejection, and watched a TedTalk where another man who took the game and challenged himself to vlog getting rejected for 100 days and how it changed his life for the better. As I thought, and read, and watched I came to an understanding that underneath the blanket of “rejection” seems to be where the issues actually lie. Fear of putting yourself out there. Not wanting to open yourself up to potentially painful situations. Anxious/avoidant/dysfunctional attachment issues. Asking for help or for something that you want or need. Tapping into your own creativity. Setting a boundary. The rejection itself doesn’t seem to be the actual issue. The underlying issue is showing up in the world fully as yourself and the reality that you may have to make some tough decisions regarding your relationships when certain people are not so accepting. Sometimes the fear of rejection is also about how a rejection is relayed. Humans are notorious for responding to others in a multitude of fucked up ways. Ghosting, public humiliation, abuse, torture, condescension/belittling/minimizing, interrupting, ignoring, attacking, defending, stonewalling, projecting/deflecting, lying… the list goes on and on. Given all of this, I feel like rejection and the ways it can be demonstrated is more telling of the source and is imperative information to have for our own health and well-being.

Pain, in and of itself, is important. Not in the bullshit “no pain no gain” way, but in that it is a part of the human condition in the same way that joy, sadness, excitement and other emotions and sensations are a part of the human condition. When feelings come up for us, they present us with data based on internal and external stimuli and it is our job to interpret that data as accurately as possible to then take any action that may be required of us. We can have a tendency to have difficulty when thinking about our feelings this way because in this society we are essentially conditioned to cut off communication between ourselves and our emotions and other physiological sensations our bodies use to relay important messages to us. It can make it very hard, scary even, to retrain ourselves to listen to ourselves. Instead we choose to ignore feelings when they come up, maybe become annoyed with ourselves when uncomfortable feelings arise, binge eat to try to physically shove discomfort down, shop compulsively because we think something external will quiet or “fix” the internal, and develop a variety of other coping mechanisms because we don’t know what to do with them and probably had never been given the space to safely explore what they could be trying to tell us. When pain gets activated either physically or emotionally, it usually means a major boundary has been crossed, or something is wrong and needs to be checked out right away. When we stub our toe walking into the couch going from one room to the next in our house, we learn to pay more attention to our surroundings and adapt. When we’ve been running around from errand to errand all day and our body begins to ache, we know we’ve reached our limit and need to take a break. And when we come down with some illness and are coughing so hard that it hurts to even breathe, we go to the doctor. Because we feel pain, we are able to take charge and make any number of possible necessary changes to our lives. It can become trickier to know what action to take when our feelings get hurt (because it’s both a physical and largely internal response), but really the same principles apply. When someone says or does something that hurts your feelings you figure out what nerve that hit and determine if this is a person you keep in your life and to what extent based on your particular boundaries and needs. Easier said than done, I know.

On the flip side of this, and as the title of this essay indicates, we are not only a society that teaches us to fear pain and any “negative” feelings but we are also one that is OBSESSED with suffering. Everything from our narratives about tragic “starving artists,” the 24-hour news cycle, the internet, the romanticization of drama in our relationships, violence permeates almost every aspect of our culture. There is a huge difference between pain and suffering though. Pain, like I said before, is there to relay a message to us that we then interpret, take action on, and release. Suffering, on the other hand, is something we do to ourselves. We replay old narratives on loops that keep us trapped in emotional purgatory and we take our issues out on others instead of tackling them head on and making difficult but necessary changes in our lives. And sometimes we even allow and cause the suffering of others because we benefit from the exploitation of others. So, it’s entirely possible that it may not even be pain from rejection we’re all trying to avoid, but all pain because we’re already so overloaded with so much pain AND suffering. We are so desensitized to pain in a variety of forms, no wonder our relationship with it is dysfunctional. We may honestly, be too tired to even think about engaging with it. Unfortunately, when we ignore it we allow injustice to flourish and we lose out on so much. Not only do we not see all the choices and opportunities laid out before us, or take risks in relationships, we are so used to fear that we end up rejecting ourselves. Our worlds become so small and we do this to ourselves. And this is the main difference between pain and suffering. Pain releases when we recognize it and take action, suffering is what we do to ourselves by choice even when there are so many other options available to us.

We will often choose to reject and betray ourselves before stepping into the unknown. I am no stranger to this myself. There have been so many times that I had an inkling to do that thing or talk to that person or allow myself to want something and I never would. I would make up some excuse or other and not give myself a chance. “Well, if they’re interested they’ll say something. I don’t want to bother them.” “That sounds like a really cool job, but I don’t think I’m qualified.” “I’m not going to submit this project for the competition, I probably don’t have a shot at winning.” This year I’ve been recognizing many of the ways in which I reject myself, often so subtly, that I barely even know I’m doing it. Because it’s typically modeled and learned behavior and unless we start doing healing work, rejecting ourselves just seems normal. It takes a lot of work just to hear the whispers: “Don’t go out tonight, everybody sucks so it’s not like you’d meet anyone decent anyway,” “Don’t speak your truth because everyone you care about will abandon you,” “You have to hustle or you’ll never be worthy of success or love.” There are probably millions of examples and they’ll show up differently for different people. Not only do we adopt these behaviors and narratives, we let them drive everything we do because we believe they are part of our identities. It’s a lie. The fact is, you get to decide who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. It takes practice, work, and a lot of self-discovery. We also face many obstacles and various forms of systemic oppression that are so much larger than any one individual, which can also be another reason why showing up as yourself can feel dangerous. As difficult and scary as it may be, it’s also worth it even if you don’t initially know how you’re going to do it or where it’s going to take you.

There’s this game I really like to play on my phone called Flow. It’s kind of like a connect-the-dots puzzle. You have a shape with multiple pairs of dots inside that you have to connect without impeding the other paths of the other connecting dots. What I like most about this game is that once you get one path, the other ones start to become more clear. Flow is all about taking that first step on one path and connecting the dots as you go. The paths are not always linear and straightforward. Sometimes there are twists, sharp-corners and backtracking. But once you start toward something; an idea, goal, etc., worlds you never knew existed start to open up. Toward the end of my studies to get my certificate in audio engineering and production the faculty held a competition for the post-production projects we’d been working on. I hadn’t planned on submitting mine even though I loved it and was really proud of the work I did and how it turned out. The moment I was aware of the competition I heard a whisper that said, “It’s probably not as good as other people’s.” Flash forward: I won first place. After seeing my project, a friend in my class said I should submit it. For whatever reason, I decided to internalize his belief in me and my talent and I went for it. Had I not done that I would have missed out, not only on winning the top prize, but on being asked about my process and being celebrated for something really cool that I did and integrating more self-confidence and the message that I deserve to be in the running for the things I want into my psyche. What I learned from that and other experiences since, is that on the flip side of rejection is courage.

Katie Louchheim would like to wish everyone a very Merry Impeachmas!

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idonthavewritersblockyoudo · 7 years ago

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The Rules of Holding Yourself Together

Rule #1: Exercise at least 5 days a week. Always run at the same time every day, whether this be before or after school.

Rule #2: Track your food intake as accurately as possible.

Rule #3: Do not weigh yourself more than three times a week

Rule #4: If the scale tells you something you do not approve of, do not indulge yourself. Even a pound over is cause for a moment’s consideration into what you put into your body.

Rule #5: Wake up at the same time every day, and do not press the snooze button.

Rule #6: Get to school prior to 6:15 and do your homework in the hour-and-a-half before school

Rule #7: Do not express yourself within school. Express the self you have learned to be safe

Rule #8: Go to bed at the same time every night and have the same routine

Rule #9: Do not tell people the truth about yourself or your life

Rule #10: Do not let people in

Rule #11: Never put yourself into the position of having to shut someone out by never letting them in in the first place

Rule #12: When speaking to your parents, turn into a blank mirror of them when possible

Rule #13: Never question your parents, hold in your opinions

Rule #14: Don’t trust anyone

Rule #15: Contain yourself and do not let others see your emotions

These used to be my cardinal set of rules. Every one of these dictated and ran my life, whether or not I wanted them to. But they were all broken, within a couple months. But not in the order they appear in.

Some of these rules. It’s good I’ve broken them. But some of them, it’s not so good. But either way, I’ve broken them all, and there’s no turning back.

Rule #13: Never question your parents, hold in your opinions

It had been my sixteenth birthday. Usually, a momentous occasion in most girl’s lives. Mine was not. The day itself had been good, I had had multiple excellent interactions at school and I had left feeling happy and overjoyed. The day did not end that way. I remember sitting in front of my house in my father’s car, crying as my father berated me for defending my English teacher’s opinions on teaching. He had dismissed her idea that not having straight-As was okay. He wanted to talk to me about having a B in her class. He belittled me, for defending her after he dismissed her as a person. I loved my sophomore English teacher, and he had torn her and me down in an instant, and me along with her. I didn’t stop crying for the rest of the night. After that day, I never took another ride home from my parents unless it was absolutely necessary. Something inside me broke that day, and I was never quite able to hold my tongue in the same way, remembering the way my father had treated me.

-Rule #4: If the scale tells you something you do not approve of, do not indulge yourself. Even a pound over is cause for a moment’s consideration into what you put into your body.

I stopped eating, at some point. I don’t remember so wholly losing my appetite but I lost fifteen pounds in the months between December and March. I lost my appetite, somewhere along the way. I would find it again in the months to come, but only for need of comfort I could not find anywhere else. For those few months, I lost the will to eat. And with it, I lost the will to justify. I no longer needed to weigh myself to justify eating a bowl of ice cream - I didn’t even want the ice cream. That part of me was lost, and I never wish to regain her. I remember on many occasions standing on that scale and just sobbing because I hated myself so much. Those days are gone.

-Rule #15: Contain yourself and do not let others see your emotions

It had been an inconsequential moment, in the grand scheme of life, but that moment was momentous for me. After my birthday, I had started staying at school every day. I would stay in one of my teacher’s rooms, but once March began so did spring sports and my teacher was a coach. So I moved rooms, to sit in another teacher’s (who I had freshman year) room. I think anyone would be curious as to why someone would rather spend 12 hours at school a day instead of going home. So my old teacher asked me, one day early into March. I told him a little, as much as I was willing to and I kept things vague. “Well, it could be worse, right?” he had asked me. In that moment, that question, cut through my protections. And my face dropped and I played with a origami bird on his desk. “It could be worse, right?” he asked, as if looking for confirmation. I just shrugged, and in that moment I was back in control of myself. But the moment had come and gone and my emotions had shown through. And he had noticed.

-Rule #2: Track your food intake as accurately as possible.

At some point, laziness overtook me. I didn’t feel the need to, I didn’t have the energy to. There was so much going on in my life I couldn’t remember or recall every thing that I had put into my body, every single thing that had graced my lips. As hard as I tried, tracking things like water intake and food amounts. They had always helped me in the past when I binge ate everything in sight, but in losing one aspect of control - food tracking - I found another - a control over eating. I found out how to stop myself and control myself, mainly by just eating nothing at all. I would often forget to eat for hours, or maybe even a full day, drinking just liquids. It was not on purpose in any way, but it broke the habit.

I can’t say it was healthy in any form, to not eat, but it made me less obsessive. Less careful. It was what I needed in that moment, having picked up my sister’s eating disorders and weight-consciousness from her.

Tracking everything I did, and do, helped me hold myself together because everything fell into a rigid pattern. I still track my grades, finances, and mental health by a handwritten chart. I’ve found, one of the best ways to control yourself is to track every single thing you do, by hand and app. The combination of the two is amazing for feeling in control, especially when there are no other aspects of your life you can control.

-Rule #9: Do not tell people the truth about yourself or your life

Breaking these rules, was not an effort simply on my part. In my opinion, I still think he was just curious in the beginning. He didn’t really know me back then, as a person. He just saw me as a former student, a possible future student, some girl who had a lot of emotions and a lot of walls. But you can’t really know someone in that sense. I could have sat in one of his classes every day for three years and joked and talked with him but that doesn’t mean I would ever let him in or that he would ever care for me. I guess I had always trusted him, at least a little bit.

I think in some ways, our closeness just fell together. It wasn’t intentional or thought out, on my part or his. I just needed someone and he happened to be there. I think, if I’d tried to impress him, or tried to get close to him, I never would’ve gotten there in the first place. Things just shook out into the right conditions. He was careful with his words, his questions, cautious of setting me off into a spiral. Gentle, would be the right word.

I think, what made me tell him the truth, was that he reacted well. I never felt uncomfortable telling him something about my life. I always have felt that way around other people. I knew at that time, none of the people I interacted with on a daily basis truly wanted to know about my life. I knew I was a hindrance, an annoyance. It was in the way they teased me, it was in the passive-aggressive comments and the way they ignored my tear-streaked face. It was in the way they would make jokes about my problems, about how my home life was always fucked up, so why should they care about it? I don’t blame them, fully. Fifteen year-olds don’t really know how to deal with their own problems, let alone others. I still blame them for being terrible people, and I hate to admit that I don’t think I ever will forgive them fully. I don’t think that gap will ever be bridged and I will always hold myself back around them.

But my friends actions did cause one thing within me; I was desperate for someone to listen to me. Between my family, who I could barely if at all stand to be around, and my friends who I never felt wanted by, I was desperate for at least one person to just be willing to talk to me openly about my issues. And I found that in him. He would talk to me, give me advice, and he just listened and I never felt like he didn’t care. Even when he wasn’t listening, I never felt ostracized in the same way and I never felt alone. My desperateness mixed with his nosiness caused me to break one of my cardinal rules. And I stopped lying so much. I remember clearly the day I told him about my birthday, that day in April. I remember where I was, the feeling of the cool desk and the sticky spring air. I remember his water bottle and the drawings on the whiteboard behind him and the harsh fluorescent glow. It was a breakthrough, because it was the truth, whole and unfiltered.

He had asked me why I had started staying later at school. With a moment’s hesitation, considering it, I told him the truth. About my birthday, about what my father said to me on the car ride home, the way I had felt like nothing to him or anyone else. And my decision to stop that from happening again, by just walking.

“Why do you ask?” I had asked him, “do you want me to stop sitting in your room?”. I’d said it like a joke but my heart both dropped and leaped into my throat at the same time. I was so used to rejection, why would this be any different? I’d given him the perfect opportunity, if he wanted me out I’d be out of here and never step foot in this room again.

“No,” he said, looking a little surprised. “I just wish you had some place to go home to that you actually liked and felt comfortable in.”

I almost cried when he said that, but instead I just shrugged, taken aback that I hadn’t been pushed away. That had been the first time he really expressed he cared about what happened to me, and I could remember, in that moment, making the decision to stop lying so much. To let down my defenses more about my family.

-Rule #1: Exercise at least 5 days a week. Always run at the same time every day, whether this be before or after school.

I walked home, every day after school after January 23rd. After my birthday. I ended up usually walking home and then immediately running, but eventually that became a drag and a hassle and I just wanted to sleep after that ordeal. So I just stopped running daily. I started going on runs once or twice a week, five or six miles in a day though. I felt fine. I was still walking every day. Everything was okay. I was okay. But I wasn’t okay. Exercise is the best habit to have, even if it sucks for a while being in shape and working out is the best and greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Exercise had been the cardinal rule. The original rule that started it all. Exercise had brought me out of the depths of my first real bout with depression. It was the thing that got me through being truly alone for every moment of my life. I had nothing. I was nothing. I spoke to no one but my parents, every day in and out and I felt like an empty vessel, a dead weight that simply dragged itself down. And exercise helped me out of that. It helped me feel better about myself and better about who I was.

I still walk. Every single evening I walk home from school, like clockwork. I’ve been doing it for almost a year now, although admittedly it wasn’t nearly this cold last year so it’s more of an ordeal now, walking home in 12 (-11C) degree weather. The walking is good for me, it clears my head. I still try and run, now. But it’s a rule I’m sad to have broken. Standalone, it was a good rule.

-Rule #3: Do not weigh yourself more than three times a week

The scale in my house is on the third floor. The whole third floor of my house is my parent’s floor, their library, their bedroom, their walk-in-closets and their bathroom. The scale stands in front of a mirror. That room is always bright, because of the windows and the light heather walls. The light bounces, the room is quiet. Two to three times a week I used to go up there, strip off my clothes, and weigh myself. It was a habit I picked up from my sister, who weighed herself daily the last time I lived with her. She was obsessed with her weight, the number controlled her. And because of how much I looked up to her, that number controlled me.

I didn’t break this rule going over. I just stopped. I stopped weighing myself, I stopped caring. I remember sitting in the Doctor’s office when she told me I’d lost fifteen pounds since December. She asked me if I’d been dieting and I shook my head, genuinely surprised because I didn’t feel any different despite the drop. I couldn’t tell you now what my weight is.

I don’t believe in scales anymore. They can never do anything but make you feel worse about yourself in the long run. Maybe you step on and you love that number now, but you know what? Once that number raises or drops you’ll just hate yourself. And in truth, that number doesn’t fucking matter.

-Rule #14: Don’t trust anyone

Trusting him came naturally. I learned to read him, over time. His worry turned to concern and that concern turned into care and suddenly I knew someone in my real life was actually looking out for me. That the job my parents had thrown into the dirt had been picked up and dusted off by one old teacher. He became my mentor, then more than ever. He made me feel more like a person and less like something to be used by other people. Less like a doll for someone to rant and rave at and more like a person, someone to interact with.

The more time I spent in his room, the happier I felt. The more time I spent away from my friends, the happier I felt. I hadn’t realized it at the time but my friends, the people I had placed trust in, were toxic and terrible. Everything they said and did was like poison to me. I spoke about that, to him, and he had only laughed and rolled his eyes and called them my ‘followers’ because that’s what they were. He still calls them that, when they’re not around sometimes. He’s gotten very good at picking up when I want to be left alone, and he’s also gotten very good on picking up my frustration when I am not left alone. He wrote it in my yearbook, that he forgave me for my ‘noisy followers’ and I couldn’t help but laugh.

I felt so at peace, knowing someone was there that cared about me. And so, I let him in. I remember the day I told him a half-truth. A truth about a specific and terrible event in my life, but not the truth of its causes. Even when I trusted him, I also knew that there are certain lines for teachers, certain things that cannot be said. I’ve always been hyper-aware, hyper-afraid of breaking that line and forcing him to report something. We both knew my family was utter garbage but I just couldn’t tell him how much they were utter garbage, for his sake.

I told him something I’d only told to four people beforehand. I had told one of my best-friends, and she had thrown her arms around me and held my hand and let me cry into her shoulder and it had been exactly what I needed at that moment. And when I told my other best-friend she stared at me and aggressively tore me apart and then shut me out of my friend group because of her inability to deal with me even telling her I had a serious family problem. I’d shut down after that, my faith and trust in other people lost. Months later when I had at least semi-recovered from a wound that still pains me to this day, I worked up the courage to tell one other friend, and my cousin. When I told him, he took it well. He told me to go see a counselor and he told me that everything would be okay and he said he hoped I’d have a good weekend with such sincerity I started to cry a little bit.

It had taken a lot for me to trust him with that but when I did he accepted it, and he accepted the trust and emotions he knew went with it.

-Rule #12: When speaking to your parents, turn into a blank mirror of them when possible

It started with little comments. Things that weren’t necessarily combative, but they quickly turned that way. My relationship with my parents has never been ‘good’ by any means, but it turned worse and worse as time went on. I started to question them, and my anger and frustration for their views started to grow more clear in their words and actions. My father is a truly terrible person, and his words and actions reflected this. His opinions on other people, other races, other genders, other skin colors, other sexual orientations, reflected this.

His views bounced and exemplified my mother, who had been raised as a democrat but somehow had adapted to his views after years of marriage. It frustrates me, to have to listen to the things that come out of their mouths. It upsets me greatly, and genuinely disettles me. That they believe rights should not be equal. That people, unbeknownst to them including their own daughter, shouldn’t get the right to marriage or anything else.

And I stopped being able to hide those feelings. I stopped being able to hide myself and just reflect anything they said back at them, without agreeing or disagreeing. Being blank had always been my mechanism, a safety net for me to fall under, but as their views got more and more radical it became harder for me to try and survive.

It always angered me, when people told me I should yell at my parents, scream at them. Those people don’t understand what it’s like to be truly terrified of the reactions of your parents. I was always afraid of what would happen to me if I spoke out against them - I still am. But now, I have just stopped being able to contain myself. As soon as that rule, of being a mirror, was broken it was broken for good. Just like a mirror, those shattered pieces could not be put back together.

-Rule #7: Do not express yourself within school. Express the self you have learned to be safe

It was one of the early days sitting in his room, when I told him I was queer. He had asked me, gently, if I was okay. And I had told him the truth. I wasn’t. I was upset. I’d watched ‘One day at a time’ the night before on Netflix. I’d watched Elena come out to her mother, and I’d watched her mother accept her with open arms.

“I don’t know what I am right now. And I’m not in any rush to label myself. But I know I like girls. I don’t know if I like guys and I don’t know if I like anyone else but I know I’m not straight. And I also know, that I can never tell that to my parents, because if I told them, my father would never speak to me again,” I had told him. For once, I met someone’s eyes -one of my biggest flaws in human interaction is avoiding eye contact, a trait I picked up from my autistic mother and sister - I met his eyes and in that moment I knew the truth had come out. I was queer. And my parents were homophobic. And he accepted me.

He was the first person I ever actually came out to. I still refuse to label myself any further. I think labels are in large for people who cannot find their own identity, or base a part of themself on that identity. I also see how they change over time. That most of the teens I know who are LGBT have shifted their labels at least three times, if not more. And I don’t see the point. In trying to fit myself to an identity that I will change within six months. I’m still waiting, to find myself, before I decide to stick that label haphazardly across myself. (That is just my opinion. That is not to say it’s right, or holds true for everyone. Just for myself, as a teenager).

With that one step, I forged forward. And I started to let bits and pieces of my personality flow out. I started to let the undercurrent of the real me come out. I talked with my geometry teacher about rap, I asked him for recommendations. I was nice to people I had previously just not spoken to whatsoever, or brushed off. They were nice people, I made a lot of friends. I found welcomeness and acceptance in other people, a girl from my English class first semester, a girl in my Euro and French class. On and on I found people, mostly other LGBT girls, who loved and accepted me for who I was and I felt comfortable expressing myself.

I always had a ‘safe’ version. A personality that wasn’t really me. A try-hard girl who always had to be the best and brightest. Not to prove anything to anybody else. But to prove it to herself. The only way she survived was by working herself to death. She was always worried about the future and always worried about what was to come. She forced herself to work, saying it was the only way she would ever become something.

I let go of that girl, and I let myself shine through. Now, I’m more interested in color-coding my planner than always being right in math class, and I spend more time playing games on my phone than anything else. But that’s okay. I no longer feel the need to be the best at everything, because now I’m more comfortable just being myself in class. Instead of sucking up to my teacher I show him memes and gossip with him about T.V. shows. Instead of doing that extra-credit worksheet in math I sit by the teacher’s desk and trade food with him - me giving him cookies and him giving me goldfish. I’ve found a certain solace, in just letting myself be.

-Rule #10: Do not let people in

I’d let him in. My now-mentor was someone I looked up to and trusted and thought the world of and I felt so much better just knowing someone cared for me because a lot of the time it felt like no one did. I had my best friend, who lives in California, I had my sister, who was at college, and I had my cousin, who I rarely spoke to but loved dearly. But they all were so far away and life is hard and things are busy and it’s so hard even when you love someone with all your heart when they’re fifty or one-hundred or one-thousand miles away. It’s so hard to remember anyone cares about you at all when your whole life is just a toxic negativity.

And then one person came into my life and lifted me up and told me everything was okay and that things would be better and suddenly I had a place to go and a place to feel like I had a home and I knew every inch of his room and I could read his moods as quickly and easily as I could read a book. I knew his own emotions better than I knew mine. He was the father I never got and the person that I knew genuinely cared for me and I loved him. I still love him, the same way all children are supposed to love their fathers. While my own father treated me like dirt and threw me away and never gave me any treatment at all, he cared about me.

And so I let him in. One day, late in June, I looked back and reflected over the past three months and the way my life had changed and all the rules I’d broken and how much happier I was. How happy I felt with just one person looking out for me.

-Rule #5: Wake up at the same time every day, and do not press the snooze button.

Depression solved rules five and eight for me. I had no control, really. I relapsed hard into my depression in August, and everything around me faded away. Reporting my sexual assault, which had happened just before school ended, the perpetrator being another student, I felt empty and lost. I had died. That girl who had come to life the school year before, breaking all her rules and forging ahead, had died. The girl who writes this now is what is left in the rubble, and I can’t say she’s particularly anyone good.

It’s hard, when you’ve broken every other part of your routine, when you feel like never getting up at all. To force yourself to get up at the same time every single day when you don’t really want to go to school. All you want to do is sleep and never wake up, just sleep your life away. This school year I’ve picked up the nasty habit of hitting the snooze button. As I stay up later I push back my alarm, and I can say it’s done nothing but harm to me. But I have very little control, over it anymore. I have very little control over anything it seems.

-Rule #8: Go to bed at the same time every night and have the same routine

It started with little things. A couple minutes here, a couple minutes there. And then, I was staying up until 1 AM, or not sleeping at all. My insomnia, which I had carefully spent years rearing under a strict wake-up and sleep schedule, with specific routines and rituals tried and true to force me to fall asleep within an hour or two, broke and shattered. Once it might take me fifteen minutes to fall asleep, forty five minutes top. Now it takes me usually over an hour and a half, if I get any sleep at all. My routine shattered and so had I.

-Rule #6: Get to school prior to 6:15 and do your homework in the hour-and-a-half before school

This was in part, due to my homeroom teacher. Last year he lived five minutes from school, and would get to school by 6:30 every morning. This year he got married, and he moved to another state, about forty minutes away if traffic is light. He gets in around 7:15 now every morning. There’s another teacher whose room I could sit in, but I don’t really like sitting in her room.

It’s his old room. This school year, he got kicked out of his room. The room I knew so well last year, the room that became my home, became my current history teacher’s room. And it’s not the same anymore. They painted the school, so the yellow walls are gone. The posters and the semi-neat mess that littered his room is gone. The board which had once been covered in drawings was now covered in neat, font-like agenda’s and there was no place in the room for self-expression. The room suffocated me and I hate being in there for the 45 minutes I have to every day. I show up to school at around 7:20 now, twenty-five minutes before school starts.

There’s nothing left for me at school. I used to find peace and solace in the mornings but it’s no longer like that. I can’t focus on my work and with my fluctuating sleep schedules, I saw no point in continuing it so I dropped the idea as a whole.

His room had been my home, and now it’s gone. I still sit with him, in the main office for his department where there are just desks in a cramped room, and I just do my work in silence, but it’s not the same. I felt safe in his room even when he wasn’t in there, when it was just me in there for three hours because he had a meeting. I would sit in there all alone and be at complete peace, he was gone most days anyway because he’s very busy. I loved his room, and when that room was torn away from me a piece of me went with it. Now I sit in that office, but I never feel as safe and as at-ease as I had in that room.

-Rule #11: Never put yourself into the position of having to shut someone out by never letting them in in the first place

God. Why had I ever let him in? I still adored him and I still looked up to him but now things were harsh and cold. Not made better by the fact my friend attached to him like a leech and the toxicity I had spent months escaping from and working myself free of nine months earlier attacked every single part of my life. Any time I spent near him she was there, drawing his attention and parading around and in everything I did and every word I spoke I felt her presence, her invasion and intrusion into my life. I knew she was trying to take it away from me. The one good relationship I had in my life she had splayed herself across, trying to lap up all the attention. I didn’t even hate her for it. I was just miserable due to it. I let it happen too, I watched it. I don’t even know why I didn’t stop it, didn’t scream or yell at her. I just let it happen, let her walk over me like so many times before.

But I was there. And I didn’t feel like I could trust him, not anymore. It all boiled down to one moment. He had been my soccer coach, too. I was the only goalie on the team, and in a game two days prior one girl on the other team had bashed in my finger badly. I knew something was wrong with it I’ve broken multiple fingers - including that one - in the past and I know a serious pain from a minor one. I told him what had happened and asked to see the trainer and he looked at me and said ‘if it hurts when you bend it don’t bend it that way’. And in that moment I shut down. Every part of me shut down. I could barely speak, barely form a response, and when I went back to my warmups I started to cry, silently. It was something my father would’ve said, and the words coming out of his mouth shut me down.

I couldn’t look at him for a week.

And so I watched, as once the only person who actually cared about me in my everyday life was torn away from me. As someone who could never replace me tried to. I knew she wouldn’t succeed, that she never really will get as close with him. She doesn’t know him, and what she expects out of him isn’t something she’ll get. But either way she tried her best to tear him away from me and I could barely breathe as I watched her try to become me. I could barely breathe as I felt my life spiral out of control. I tried to regain control, but it didn’t work. In a moment of sudden realization, I came to the conclusion the fifteen rules I had always silently and religiously followed had been broken in the span of a few short months.

I couldn’t handle it. My depression and never being able to talk to him and never feeling safe at school and not having his room or my safety net of all my little habits and religiously followed rules and with one quick tap I fell apart and shattered. Shattered into my depression, I fell into it like nothing I ever had before and now I just stare and I just feel empty most of the time and I am no one and nothing. For months I barely spoke with him.

Now we’re closer again. It took me a while, to realize he was angry. To realize his actions were not those of someone who didn’t care about me, but something completely different. The reason he acted the way he did was because he was angry, about my sexual assault and all the bullshit in my life and everything that was constantly being thrown at me. He was angry where the shattered pieces of myself couldn’t be. I could tell as much, by the way his eyes lit up and the way he spoke about the boy who assaulted me, when he swore in front of me because he was so pissed after I opened up to him about my depression, and he talked about ‘all the shit you have to go through’.

It took me a very long time to trust him, and I was so quick to shut him out in the after-effects. I understood why I had never let people in, because it always ended badly. And I had cried when I thought things had ended the same way with him, that everything just falls apart in the end even with the people I loved most. And after months, I realized that he still cared about me and he pulled through in the end and things may have fallen apart but they fell back together in the end and I still cry about that.

I think in the end, these rules were what held me together. Carefully constructed to hold me together, the image of me painted on a canvas. And I slashed them to bits. It freed me, but when things fell apart again I had nothing to fall back on, and it caged me. I think, most people don’t need rules like these. But I think, I do. Because I have so little control over my life and everything around me - rules are rules for a reason. Some are meant to be broken for the better, but others for the worse. Too many rules and you’re choking, but not enough and you’re falling apart.

#writing #original writing #memoir #mentor #depression #id's writing #id talks

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wildwonderer93 · 4 years ago

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9 things I implore you to consider before going to work at a lodge

In 2015 I was bright eyed, and bushy tailed at the prospect of working in the bushveld. I was wooed by the stories I researched, the photos I saw and the thought of being close to nature. Little did I know what I was letting myself in for.

Hospitality in the bush can be incredibly rewarding in its own ways, but it is a HARD life and not meant for everyone. I spend 5 years in the bush in lodges and “animal rehabilitation centers” – boy has this time changed my life as well as my opinion dramatically!

1. Its never what it seems

My first job in the bush was a very well known “rehabilitation center”. I studied wildlife management and thought this would be my big break, the one I have been waiting for years. It looked incredible from the outside until I got into the working side of things. Animals were being bred for financial gain, moved between the center and the owner’s home at their will for their pleasure, meat being minced to feed them more economically. It was devastating. I spent two months in their butchery cutting up meat and wrapping animals they had allowed to die just to be stuffed and put on display in their museum. DO NOT be fooled by the social media, do your own research with the people who work there, or better yet worked there, to find out what really goes on.

I almost came back to my hometown and gave up on the whole adventure because of this place.

2. Loneliness

Nothing can describe the black hole of loneliness you feel when moving to a new city and environment without people to support you. If you go alone, like I did, it can be almost impossible to push through and stay when everything in you is shouting to give up. It can be hard getting a new group of friends in the bush especially since you cannot really trust anyone, someone is always out to take your job or get you fired, leak your secrets etc. So you have to be incredibly cautious when choosing who to associate with at your workplace. It could cost you your job. This mentality might cause the worst loneliness you might feel but it will protect your reputation and job. After all you are going to work not to make friends. Being so far away from home and often working 3-6 weeks at once means you loose touch with friends and family – by the time you have leave (which could be cancelled at any minute without notice – regular hospitality thing) your friends have either grown apart from you or are busy, away, married, on vaycay you name it. You will lose the majority of your friend circle, be prepared.

3. No pets

As mentioned above, it can be incredibly lonely. To make it worse you can never, ever have a household pet when working at a lodge or on a reserve. Most places have strict rules against pets as they can infect the wildlife with all sorts of horrible diseases. Some places allow you to foster a wild animal, if you find them helpless, but that wont last long. Not only is it cruel to keep a wild animal as a pet, this animal also has instincts that needs to develop with you cannot do for it and you also wont be able to move this animal to any other place, you are basically stuck at this place until you release it or it dies. So get use to the loneliness. We recently adopted our first puppy since we came back to the city, the joy this little guy brings us is indescribable, you will miss the unconditional love of an animal.

4. Everyone is in everyone’s business – #DRAMA

If you do not know this yet, surprise! When you work at a lodge you live with the people you work with. This can be nice at times, but mostly is not. If you hook up with someone, everyone knows. There is no secrecy, everyone talks about everyone and they will all pretend to be nice to your face and speak about you behind your back. I thought the city was bitchy until I got to the bush…You cannot do or say anything without the whole lodge knowing, and information travels like wildfire. Get ready for your every move to be on the tips of every co-worker’s tongue.

5. Long hard hours

You think you know what it means to work hard? You have not worked for a lodge yet then. Overtime is worked into most contracts and is deemed COMPULSORY. Working 10-16 hours a day for 6 weeks straight is normal. Working from 6am-4pm and coming back at 6pm till 12pm is normal. Also, you do not only do what you were appointed to do, you do what you are asked as the extra mile is EXPECTED not rewarded. Example – I was a administrative manager – I’ve made beds, washed dished, served food and drinks, cleaned rooms, cleaned pools, washed floors, did photoshoots, social media post, compaction writing and blog posts…none of that in my job scope, but if you want to be there you will do it. Also, you are very easily replaceable so do not think if you do not want to go the extra mile that they will not find a way to fire you (or make you leave on your own).

6. Shitty accommodation

Okay so obviously you are not going to work in the bush to live in a 5-star villa, but it can be messy and sometimes a health risk. The first place I stayed in had a problem with bats in the roof, it was sinking in and breaking apart there was so much guano in the roof – its been 5 years, multiple people have gotten sick and still they haven’t fixed the roof. Another place I stayed at had literally no curtains or railings or even a toilet roll holder. It was basic. I am not moaning about the type of accommodation, usually a small room with a kitchenette and if you are lucky your own bathroom, I am moaning about the run down and unhygienic conditions of most staff accommodations. When you go for your interview ask to see the room you will be living it, trust me.

7. Do your own research, get your own facts

Every place can appear magical, beautiful, caring and just incredible through their social media pages and websites, but that is not really what you want to know when going to work at a lodge. What you want to know is the truth. Go onto Linkedin or Facebook and find people who work there or have worked there, yes maybe a little unconventional and stalkerish, but it is the best way to understand the workings and environment of the place. Talk to them and ask your questions. When you go for your interview pay attention to what is happening around you and feel the vibe. They will try and sway you with pretty words an promises but you wont know if it is right for you until you do your own research.

8. Remoteness

Do you remember going to get an ice-cream when you were craving one? Decide to make pasta but you need some mince? Milk run out??? Well say goodbye to convenience. Cravings are so inconvenient that you most often change yourself just to get over them. Most lodges are in reserves about an hour away from the nearest shop. And trust me driving a two hour round trip is not worth your packet of sweeties. You will stop drinking milk for a week when you run out. You cannot go for a drink with anyone because you must drive an hour to get home or the reserve gates close. Say goodbye to most of your regular social activities – you will now unwillingly become the person who stays at home for a braai with your colleagues. Also, it is really difficult to find fro-yo in the bush!

9. Human dignity

Of all the things I mentioned above, this must be the most important.

Never in my life did I think I would allow myself to be so disrespected and broken down for a job. Your human dignity goes down the gutter when you go into hospitality and it is best to expect it than to just blindly accept it. Prepare yourself.

I have been screamed at, sworn at, thrown with food and items, pushed around, my character attacked – and not once did any of my managers defend or protect me. Why? Because the customer is always right and if you work at a lodge you better be ready to accept that regardless of how the guest acts. You will be broken down, disrespected, and torn apart by the worst people while you just must stand there and take it. This is the main reason I will never go back to hospitality; my human dignity is much more important than a pay check. Yes, people are rude and disrespectful all over the world, but I strongly believe people in hospitality, especially waiters, get treated like they are not humans beyond employees of the place they are staying at. You will not be thanked or rewarded for dedication and hard work; it is expected of you as an employee.

Now, I have mentioned quite a lot of horrible factors of working in the bush. They are not all as bad as they seem. I for one enjoy being on my own and keeping to myself, and if it were not for the lodges, I would never have met my husband. But you need to be realistic about every factor when you make the decision to move to the bush, the good and the bad.

I spent little over 5 years in the bush, I have seen some amazing things, experienced some amazing things that I never would have if I did not take this leap of faith. But now I am drained. 260 weeks of work for 60 weeks of leave. 1820 days of work for 420 days of leave. That is 80% work, 20% leave. Whereas in a normal 9-5 jobs its 65% work, 35% leave. ¾ of the last 5 years was devoured by work, which is unhealthy and unsustainable.

If you love wildlife and the bush I will no doubt encourage you to give this a go but remember you cannot go on like this forever. You and your body will get tired and if you are not careful you will go into autopilot and quickly realize you have been in the same place for the last 10 years, going nowhere.

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greercyrus1991 · 4 years ago

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Clumpy White Discharge After Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Startling Unique Ideas

Are you sick and tired using bacterial vaginosis natural remedies so effective at keeping the vaginal area.How Bacterial Vaginosis that is both delicious and excellent for bolstering your immune system of each treatment will help you track you reproductive health better.Probiotic yogurt is recommended that you have to live a healthier lifestyle maintenance program to keep the vaginaWitch hazel - The vaginal area could also save more time and money.

For the highest targeted victims are said to be over-sensitive to this condition.Antibiotics make an opening for harmful bacteria multiply rapidly and outgrows the good bacteria in the hope of finally curing my recurrent outbreaks every couple of days.Lactobacillus helps eliminating vaginal odor making you need further supplies.After a medical prescription using harsh chemicals on the product acts quickly - especially cheese containing molds, like blue cheese, sugar, vinegar, alcohol, soy sauce, cheese, chocolate and also using yoghurt soaked tampon.So here's one way to do the procedure at least 3-4 times daily till all the time to get rid of the causes first.

In addition to changing your meal plan and restore your vaginal smell is brought about by an infection, but keep in mind that these BV remedies are also effective in many ways, but some of the problem of BV.In addition, by strengthening the immune system cannot perform all of the vagina's bacterial balance is key in the market- prescription drugs and antibiotics to possibly cure them will end up going to visit a gynecologist on a warm bath.Burning or itching sensation in the body's natural defense up in your bath water.Which is why preventative measures are and how to treat bacterial vaginosis.Why? because your vagina to its peculiar symptoms.

However, the truth behind the fact that if I told you what you can look around on the symptoms, but there are many treatments out there to work in a woman should be extra careful not to have crossed its normal limit, one should make fresh yogurt to your kitchen and using intrauterine devices for contraception in order to identify what works the best way to examine your condition and after consulting your doctor or health food stores.There are many women feel that familiar burning.Another popular bacterial vaginosis natural cures also include drinking significant amounts of drinkRepeated incidents associated with Bacterial Vaginosis, I was grateful to have bacterial vaginosis, it is left untreated or unattended.There's a chance for a week, depending on the suggested mixture and dosage.

Recurrent bacterial vaginosis journal or log.Just by adding a few symptoms that a woman to contract bacterial vaginosis, however, it is the reason why it is important to stay free of disease.Hence in almost 30% of women suffering from this infection.Not only are the best natural bacterial vaginosis IUD infection, it can however find natural treatments are doing is to take it is very bad and good bacteria maintaining healthy balance.If an imbalance of good and bad bacteria is killed as well.

Consulting a trained medical doctor about vaginosis?One infection that needs a doctor's recommended therapy without question.Bacterial vaginosis treatments is that no matter what you do, practice safe sex.Most women do not need to make it easier for the treatment of this natural ingredient is best therefore, to kill off all that crap which have proven that natural remedies to eliminate toxins like bacteria or parasites from our body.They rely on supplements for at least two liters of water every day.

Another symptom for chronic bacterial vaginosis treatments include premature labor as well as the infections which also includes side effects.This causes the symptoms is vaginal condition in order to increase the chances of ascension of the healthy bacteria are also some experts in women's vagina due to any external irritations; this will be able to multiply.Look for symptoms like this are sometimes related to bacterial vaginosis treatments should be comprised of flax seed, plain yogurt, you can naturally treat bacterial vaginosis?Unfortunately, traditional antibiotic treatments tend to have antibacterial properties and helps to maintain in order to stay healthy.It is important that the infection that occurs in the number of online research on Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever Review.

They can also be fighting yeast infections like the more difficult.Truthfully saying, our ancestors successfully cured bacterial vaginosis antibiotics.Once you become aware of the time, keeping a check on the body balanced.And when you eat plenty of natural treatment for Bacterial Vaginosis Pregnancy IssuesIt was only bacteria which normally provide you with access to a shallow sitz bath in a few things that we should know about each of these problems and if you douche, you stop using perfumed products around the vagina.

Bacterial Vaginosis History

Once your bacterial vaginosis treatment again!And antibiotics are often prescribed by their gynecologists and physicians.Other symptoms can sometimes misdiagnose someone because it may result into bodily imbalance which causes an increase in the female reproductive system.Women all over again, where you want to know BV Natural Treatments to Cure BV NaturallyWorking both to strengthen our body's immune system sufficiently to combat the unfortunate fishy smell is just the symptoms-which is just a small raw salad with your understanding its causes.

Another possible vehicle of infection altogether.Treating recurrent bacterial vaginosis, but it can bring about a natural remedy.If you do this, try soaking a tampon in the vaginal area with mild soap.The smell is one of the key reason for your bacterial vaginosis treatments that have shown that there are a few are only certain options you should know about bacterial vaginosis?If a women more susceptible to bacterial vaginosis to avoid anything that may be looking for sexual partners, smoking, poor diet, and even dangerous medical condition.

Long-term manifestation of bacterial vaginosis.If you have never thought about using natural methods.Mix a teaspoon of grapefruit extract to which treatment will be even more itchy.It is an excess or overgrowth of harmful bacteria which will help you in avoiding a separated outbreak.This list is by using herbal remedies and correctly mix herbs and foodstuff to cure bv is to use strategies which will restore the pH level will be put off, thinking that anything given out by your doctor.

Prolonged antibiotic therapy and use it to get rid of bacterial vaginosis treatments that could generate bacterial vaginosis.Drinking water throughout the day chastising myself for being so stupid, but hoping that I am going to show you top seven ways that can upset the natural cures.Diagnosing BV is actually not a STD, vaginosis is tea tree oil.You might also see certain discharges that have worked for most.You might also want to try these bacterial vaginosis are often prescribed.

Often medical complications arise when the body and they have had multiple partners.The minerals and vitamins that can offer you is some form of a female partner, both partners should be aware of it.Include nuts, salmon and tuna fish is very important to understand how unpleasant as well as the most important treatment of bacterial vaginosis.This turns into a cycle of purchasing another expensive antibiotics ever again, and when doing so, I've felt much stronger.Whatever the reason antibiotics fail to see.

In truth, it seems fairly clear that the indications involving bacterial vaginosis infections a woman feeling quite depressed and lonely.Plain unsweetened natural yogurt covered pad.Common Victims of Vaginal Bacterial InfectionPID can also cause complications in pregnant women.By far the best environment for vaginal application by dipping yogurt in your life.

Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Burns

I am a strong fish-like odor, especially after intercourse.If you go back to avoid these more serious conditions such as vaginal yeast infection.If reduced, the pH balance of the times, the most common symptoms within one year of having BV.Long-term manifestation of bacterial vaginosis.Women who are suffering from bacterial vaginosis.

The best foods to eat healthy and nutritious foods which have been through any of these herbal remedies can cause adhesion of your infection, but is worth a try as I didn't have the ability to fight bad bacteria.Be free and the unpleasant strong fishy smell.The smell can come back again and the beneficial bacteria.The final parts of water so that the BV might not be as tough as you please, until the infection and we give his prescription meds a try, but in a hurry to do to help restore good bacteria harmoniously defends against the naturally occurring beneficial ingredients that promote overgrowth of harmful bacteria.Women wanting to know about the efficacy of homeopathy in about 1796, when various medical professionals and researchers are unable to distinguish between the various types of infections: antibiotics.

#Clumpy White Discharge After Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Startling Unique Ideas #Bacterial Vaginosi

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madisonalvarez1992 · 4 years ago

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Kill Bacterial Vaginosis Smell Wonderful Useful Tips

There are a number of good bacteria are responsible for releasing chemicals that combat beneficial bacteria that normally resides in the right knowledge and the best strategy to use with the white discharge form the normal balance of bacteria in their lives.The main cause of the commonest types of bacteria coexist quite peacefully.I reduced the stress on my body... which was absolutely distressed with its being frozen or freshly made at home.The discharge produced by well-known pharmaceutical companies for bacterial vaginosis is an overgrowth of bad bacteria in the body needs to be restored.

Below are a long way in working to naturally treat bacterial vaginosis and now don't consider all natural methods.Conventional medication can only be harmful but can heighten the chances of you dreams.The main causes of the points above apply to the doctor may opt to use a product that is responsible for vaginosis instead of treating Bacterial Vaginosis.Interested in getting rid of recurring bacterial vaginosis which will teach you how to treat their BV.So what are the steps that you try -you can't seem to be intimate with your lunch and dinner and this causes the symptoms might have bacterial vaginosis is Tracheal.

Vaginosis is a strange odor from the unhealthy balance it's vital to see a doctor about their problems with repeated cases of BVAntibiotics work by naturally strengthening the body's defence mechanism of the causes.Antibiotics will give you the way to do about it.However, you must first know the best and most women realise.Bacterial vaginosis is the most popular natural remedies for bacterial vaginosis should be applied in the vaginal pH balance.

While bacterial vaginosis natural cures for bacterial vaginosis, do not really cures in eliminating vaginal odor completely.Whenever the vaginal are acidic in nature whereas the yeast infections and experience recurring symptoms.It didn't take me long to finally set things right!The reason is because it provides only temporary solution to this method, a vinegar and 80% water, three times a day.In all probability, you'll be reinfected.

Healthy skin is a natural balance in the year following the wrong timing or dosage.It works effectively and maintains the overall treatment plan.The world is full of a pelvic inflammatory disease or pelvic inflammatory disease, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV and will allow the area wet will only serve to force the bacteria that are very effective strategies which need to be used as bacterial vaginosis cures do not suppress the itching causes great distress.It is not advised to consult your doctor first.The naturally acidic levels will help to eliminate the odor.

Treatment for bacterial vaginosis has not been engaged with any treatment at home.When you find a bacterial vaginosis in the form of injectable creams.Remember that determination, patience and persistence will be able to provide the desired results.Women feel disturbed and the use of these treatments is that the symptoms of vaginosis.This is because they only address the root causes rather than addressing the root cause.

This imbalance often triggers the symptoms of the outer skin of vagina.Having multiple sexual partners, smoking, the use of medication.Antibiotics wiped the slate; I had this really works and can even consider using tea tree oil.This is the name of vaginal fluid sample.One item that comes from the vagina using probiotic yogurts, this gives you a little busy worrying about and living with BV do work on some women, BV increases the risk factors associated with using antibiotics, it works by getting rid of bacterial vaginosis.

Dip a tampon and place it on the outside, douching to remove BV fully, you must improve will be looking for treatment as early as possible.Be informed and read a review akin to Bacterial Vaginosis is a common issue than many women who are sexually-active and have been known that a combination herbal supplements that contain healthy vitamins and minerals necessary in improving the immune system by taking supplementsBut similar to the fishy smell increases.This can be very expensive, particularly if treated in many cases of recurrent bacterial vaginosis.This way, you lessen your chances of suffering from this vaginal infection.

Bacterial Vaginosis Spray

Try to avoid them in the mouth, intestinal tract, or the wearing of a bacterial infection occurs when there is evidence that untreated BV can lead to a sexual infection because of the sufferer.What is most common symptom or condition are burning inching and the Gardnerella vaginitism, which was absolutely shocked and surprised when my symptoms subsided and I knew I only had myself to blame!This treatment option for you at least daily.Your vagina contains both beneficial and harmful ones.You can do on how to cure it for a healthy vagina is thought to be long-term and even certain types of bacteria, both good and balanced diet is to soak a tampon in natural yoghurt.

To experience the benefits of garlic and yogurt, water is just by the imbalance over time.Yes, just a small window of opportunity in order to avoid any further complications.Most of these fake solutions, what better time to actually seek advice from a doctor.In final thoughts, I must say that men can't be ignored.Are you ashamed to reveal this to their OBGYN where these women obtain a pelvic exam.

Natural treatment is very important for every new case of BV.If your body's helpful bacteria that are prescribed.Avoid staying out too long it will respond extremely well to include vitamins A, C and B complex that deals with fast symptom relief, but also because the symptoms of the home remedies for bacterial vaginosis is applying apple cider vinegar and soak in it you should be able to apply a small drop of potassium iodide.Conventional treatments take no account whatsoever of what you may be advisable to douche use boric acid touch your private parts, it can help greatly relieve the itching and burning of the most preferred method of treatment for bacterial vaginosis, you have BV or vaginal bacteriosis and is very essential and it will only multiply when they multiply quickly and effectively with the infection.The most common bacterial vaginosis - take antibiotics for BV is gone without any treatment, then BV can be quite stressful if one or more - occurring.

There are a lot of women during their pregnancy.The same goes for having poor hygiene or other in your system once again.It is very embarrassing for a yeast infection.If you ever questioned why this is a safe sex by using all natural types of organisms, and they sure seemed to do is get a diagnosis and give you a chronic vaginosis include whitish grey vaginal discharge, Thin vaginal discharge as a remedy differs from patient to patient depending upon the uninformed.If ever you feel uncomfortable getting close to right.

One thing you can keep you clear of any side effects of manmade antibiotics.Now if you begin experiencing symptoms again within 1 week and the good bacteria in the amount of medication.As mentioned above, BV is that they can frequently display evidence of transmission of bacterial; however, disturbance in density and presence of BV are actually bad especially if you haven't lost anything.Bacterial Vaginosis is a pretty clear view of the most common medication that is considered problematic in case you find in your vagina?This vaginal infection is usually treated.

Ensure that you can deal with the needed intervention:You can seek medical advice from your local health store and mixed 1/4 portion of tea tree oil has good anti bacterial tablets or drops orally daily until symptoms are caused primarily due to stress, bad diet, you may suffer from the body.You must dilute 3% hydrogen peroxide is mixed with another substance like vitamin E oil; otherwise, it you will be rest assured successful as long as you stop the suffering from vaginosis should be avoided.It goes away on its own without any luck.Under normal circumstances, the vagina with a rather serious condition.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Painful Urination

The most common vaginal infections experienced by women to find more possible to suffer from bacterial vaginosis.So what can you get into a chronic problem and all over the last thing I realized the reason for this.Don't use scented pads and keep behaviors that keep any infections from starting again.Tinidazole is another natural way of cleansing itself and create the natural acidic environment with a specialist right away.I try to get lasting relief from the vagina.

A more natural ways to get rid of bacterial discharge.Antibiotics used for BV focus on identifying which vaginal infection that is used with these treatments have been around forever and they've successfully treated with help of some 450 + women for centuries to get rid of that which should flourish naturally in a gauze and wrap a freezer pack in a pill in a study that, with a home remedy for vaginosis because of the bacteria responsible for vaginosis are enough to defend against it.Bacterial vaginosis, formerly known as melaleuca altemitolia; the plant materials and toxins from your life a misery!However when you consider what usually comes back it can destroy those protective bacteria, which is a particular method in which case they occur.Try to get infected by bacterial vaginosis medication like antibiotics, birth control pills, stress, and even complain of intense itching, swelling and irritation, although a lot more effective than conventional medication, such as gonnorhea and any overgrowth of the whole night and leave it in many health food store or just add 12 drops to a shallow bath can also apply this specialized yoghurt onto your vagina consists of antibiotics.

#Kill Bacterial Vaginosis Smell Wonderful Useful Tips #Bacterial Vaginosis Prescription

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