#I feel bad for checking out library books for like months I just . get ambitious and check out 10 instead of 1 and then read none of them

[daydream-draws]

CAN'T FIND THE POWERPOINT POST. BITES GROWLS ETC I'LL HAVE TO ASK THAT FRIEND FOR IT TOMORROW BUT. HERE IS A BASIC SUMMARY THINGY it is truly simply brainrot. also unrelated i had a bad day and now i am drawing the insane dynamic that is sophie/keefe/tam i was not expecting to have fun with them dude

YOU HAD ME AT LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA I Will be reading this that is a threat /pos my local library better get ready because I Will be checking these out for. months ….

also !! Sending hugs and vibes and sophie Keefe and tam and so silly I’m glad ur drawing them and havin fun :]]

[polestarneighbor]

Reading tag game! Tagged by @lincyclopedia. Tagging @kaindasorta because I don't actually interact with folks on this webbed site.

Last book I read: The Princess Trap by Talia Hibbert. Picked this one up from the library on a whim because I needed something fluffy to keep me from rereading astolat fic on a quiet day. It was exactly the kind of short and sweet I wanted, and with enough chemistry and kindness to make me buy forgiving the hero after some truly epic fuckups.

Book I recommend: for the last couple years, it's been a toss-up between The Duke Who Didn't by Courtney Milan or A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. Depending on whether I think people need a lighthearted romance between two hilarious but uncommunicative goobers with a heavy dose of food porn (and RECIPES) or a fantastically written My Immortal AU with the best allegorical world building I've ever encountered. And also two hilarious but uncommunicative goobers. What.

Book I couldn't put down: Diavola by Jennifer Thorne. In this case I'm not sure "couldn't put down" was a good thing. Anna's gradual, horrifying disillusionment haunted me for a week straight, to the point that I was reading it in every spare moment I had, and it's stayed with me in the months since I read it. I've never understood so viscerally how it feels just to be fucking done, and I'm not sure I wanted to know. Be warned, ye who enter here.

Book I've read twice: I have a personal rule for the sake of my wallet that I don't buy books unless I have read them at least twice and preferably more. Also, I have four bookshelves in my bedroom. But I did once read Howl's Moving Castle twice back to back on a single plane ride, and it was totally worth it. The cover could use some new packing tape now, though.

A book on my TBR: Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma, out Sept 2024. I love vampires, especially vampire romances. I love magical schools. I love murder mysteries. I love gloriously ornate cover art. I need this book now.

A book I have put down: The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo. I really wanted to love this, but the way the protagonist kept getting constantly manipulated in very obvious ways was very frustrating, and I just wasn't hooked. So when a different Libby hold came in, I didn't even notice I'd lost track of this one.

A book on my wish list: Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho. I'm very overdue for a reread, because I'm always keeping an eye out for it in bookstores and never finding it. Primarily what I remember about it at this point is a total sweetheart of a deeply unambitious Victorian Sorcerer Prime struggling and entirely failing to keep his recklessly ambitious protegée in check. Plus my favorite "all magic comes with a cost" tropes, irresistible.

A favorite book from childhood: There are so many. But today I'm going with the Percy Jackson series, primarily for the sake of the teenager I recommended it to a few days ago whose eyes kept getting bigger as I answered the questions "Does it have Athena? Does it have Hades? Does it have ZEUS?!?!?" Runner up is Freeze Tag by Caroline B. Cooney, for the ultimate "evil is human, not monstrous" fable.

A book I would give a friend: Uprooted by Naomi Novik. It takes a lot to make one of these lists twice (let alone three times under a pseudonym), but if you can top the charts for me in multiple genres you're doing something right. This somehow manages to have all my favorite fairy tale retelling energy while also being totally original. Absolutely gorgeous.

A book of poetry or lyrics I own: I don't read much poetry beyond Poe, so the closest I have is probably In the Night Garden by Catherynne Valente, which is technically a novel but feels more like a piece of art than a story to me.

A non-fiction book I own: the last one I bought was Bad Blood by John Carreyrou. I don't generally like nonfiction, but a good con artist is compelling in any medium.

Currently reading: nope, I don't pause to write Tumblr posts in the middle of a book. Finished two yesterday, will probably pick up the next tonight.

Planning to read next: The Last Devil to Die by Richard Osman, because the Thursday Murder Club is too cute. Ibrahim and Elizabeth have and will always have my whole heart.

[vergilthelibrarian]

In Due Time.

Serial Killer/Yandere!Jeno x FTM!Reader

You woke up, the summer heat making your body sticky from sweat. You slowly sat up, grimacing.

You hated the summer with a passion but you were happy that you were able to show off your new chest since you got top surgery the beginning of this year.

Getting up, you took off your tank top and boxers and went to take a shower. Once you got out, you got dress for work.

You worked at a small bookstore and you loved working there. You got to read all the books you wanted to and for free at that while also getting discounts whenever you did decide to buy a book or two.

You threw on your book bag and headed out the door, making sure it was locked.

As you walked, you thought about the killings that were happening in your city. There was a serial killer on the loose and you would be lying if you didn’t say you weren’t scared. Knowing that the killings were in your city didn’t really help with your mental health and as you were already mentally ill to begin with, let’s just say it fucked with your already bad paranoia and anxiety.

Most of the victims were women though but that still didn’t stop you from being scared. It still didn’t stop the bad scenarios that would enter your mind before you fell asleep.

One wrong turn in an alley and you could wind up dead…

Oh how you hated your mind.

You yawned, covering your mouth as you made it to the bookstore.

You opened the door and was greeted with a rush of cool air, thankful that the air conditioner was on.

Heading to the back of the store, you put your items away and your ears twitched as it heard the bell to the front door ring.

A customer.

You dusted off your shirt and walked out of the back and into the front of the store, taking your spot at the register.

There was a young man with dyed blonde hair walking around, just checking the books out. Taking one out and reading a bit of it or the back of it and repeating this process.

You took out your phone, scrolling on twitter, laughing at memes when you felt a presence before you.

You looked up and gulped.

It was the young man and my god was he handsome.

“I like to buy these books.” he smiled, his eyes turning to crescents and you smiled back, nodding as you took the books to ring them up.

It was 3 books, 2 about psychology and 1 on hypnosis and you didn’t really think much about it.

“And here’s your change!” you chirped and the blonde boy smiled once more at you.

“Thank you.” he said before headed out the door.

You couldn’t help what you did next.

You squealed on twitter about the handsome customer.

~~ The next day at work the handsome young man came in again, looking around the store once more.

You sat at the register reading a book when you felt his presence again.

Looking up, you were met with a bright smile.

“Um, I wanted to ask you a question.” You closed the book and nodded at him.

“Ask away.” you smiled.

“I um… I was wondering if you would like to go out for coffee sometime?” he asked bashfully and you were shocked.

This couldn’t be happening.

This handsome man could not be asking you out.

“W-what?” “Coffee. Would you like to go for coffee sometime?” he repeated and still in a daze, you nodded.

“Sure.” you responded and the smile that was already on his lips grew.

“I’m Jeno.” “Y/n.”

You 2 exchanged numbers and after talking for a bit longer, Jeno left the store.

~~ As you waited at the booth for Jeno, your eyes were glued to the television in the cafe.

“And in breaking news, the dismembered body of a 23 year old graduate student was found in the river today. Luna Kim was has said to have been missing for 2 days. Friends say that during the night of her disappearance, she went home with an unidentified man at a night club. Detectives say this seems to be the work of the Hatchet Killer. If you have any details on this case, please call your local police.”

You felt a chill go down your spine.

Poor girl, you thought.

It was always sad when someone died but to be murdered? That was way that you never wanted to go.

Lost in your thoughts, you jumped as you heard a deep, “Hey.” Looking up, you saw Jeno smiling as he took a seat at the booth.

“Hey.” “I didn’t mean to scare you.” he laughed.

“No, it’s fine. I was just thinking about the Hatchet killings. They found another body today.” Jeno’s face fell.

“Really? Damn...” “I know. God, I hate it here. People can be so evil when they want to be, taking someone’s life in cold blood is just so… inhumane. It’s so wrong like how can anyone even do that?” you rambled and Jeno nodded, agreeing with you.

“Yeah. It’s terrible how evil this world can be sometimes...”

A small smile come on face.

“Do you want to order now?” and you nodded, wanting to get this date started.

You both got up and stood in line, talking to each other.

Jeno was a student in psychology and sociology. He liked studying about the topics on his off time which is why he came in the other day and bought those 2 books about psychology.

You on the other hand was a graduated student, going to school to become a librarian.

“If I could, I would live in a library. Seriously, I’m not joking!” which made Jeno laugh.

You 2 ordered your meals and sat back down, talking more.

You talked about what your hobbies were, how you had a pat cat named Catkitty and how you were teaching yourself the bass guitar out of boredom.

Jeno told you about his hobbies as well, how he liked conducting psychological experiments sometimes and that sparked your interest.

“What do you do exactly?” “I can’t really say anything or my professor will get mad at me.” he rubbed the back of his neck and you backed off.

“Wait. If you study psychology, why did you buy a book on hypnosis?” and Jeno shrugged.

“It looked interesting.” he answered, taking a sip of his ice coffee.

“Oh. Okay.” You 2 ate and chat for a long time and eventually the sun started to set.

“Wow, we’ve been in here for 3 hours...” you commented. “I should go. I hate going home in the dark.” you said, getting up to leave. “Let me walk you home then.” Jeno got up as well.

You agreed and seeing as you 2 already paid for your meals, you both left the cafe.

As the sun set and the sky became dark, the air around you became cool and as you 2 walked backed to your apartment, you talked and laughed away, enjoying each others company.

Jeno seemed like the perfect man to you. He was charming, funny, handsome. He was the total package and you couldn’t believe he asked you out and that you were having a great time with him.

Sighing as you made it to your apartment, you turned around, deciding to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Um.” you started, looking down at the floor. “I had a great time today.” your cheeks heated up as you looked up at him.

You was always so shy, you really couldn’t help it at times.

Jeno’s crescent eye smile came into view as he said, “Well, thank you for agreeing to go out with me. I hope we can go out again?” he asked and you nodded.

“I would like that.”

~~ Some months has passed since you and Jeno started dating. Everything seemed perfect. A little too perfect and for these pass 2 weeks, you couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen.

You couldn’t tell if it was your paranoia messing with you or your instincts warning you but you just had a feeling something was about to happen.

Jeno had been acting… strange as of late.

His usually calm but bright personality was being replaced by a more irritable and stressed personality.

He was snap at you for no reason these days and even manipulated you into not seeing your friends when you wanted to go out last Friday.

It was weird and something was off with the man you loved.

At the same time, the Hatchet killings seemed to have stopped at the moment and that made you sleep a bit easier at night.

But even with that one good thing, you still couldn’t shake the feeling of dread you felt whenever you saw your boyfriend now.

Sitting on your couch and writing a story, you heard a knock on your door.

Looking up, you got up and went to the door, looking through the peephole to see your boyfriend.

You opened the door, a small smile on your lips and you stepped to the side to let him in.

Jeno took off his jacket and shoes, kissed you on the lips and went to take a seat on your couch.

You sat back down, grabbing your laptop and continued writing again.

“Whatcha writing?” he asked and you grinned.

“It’s a story about a this girl trapped in another dimension of reality where some of the inhabitants are zombie like monsters while the other are a cult that sacrifices other people to the “God” of their reality so they won’t turn into the monsters but that “God” is actually a bug like alien from space. I’m still thinking of the details of the story though but I’m calling it Siren.” “That’s really ambitious. I love that about you.” “Why thank you.” you said and continued where you left off on your story.

You were so use to Jeno coming over to your house that you didn’t think about why he was here, only loving that he wasn’t snappy today.

Everything seemed normal, that is until he brought up the Hatchet killings out of the blue.

“So, Hatchet Killer seems to be taking a bit of a break huh?”

You stopped typing and looked up at him.

“I guess so. Honestly, I’ve been able to sleep well knowing that the killings haven’t happened in about a month or so. It’s nice to be able to run to a 7/11 at 2 in the morning to get a slushie again haha!” you laughed and Jeno laughed with you.

“Yeah. I’ve been looking into his case, well, more like I’ve been looking through my dad’s files since he’s a detective working on the case and it seems really interesting. They think he’s a student since all of the victims are college age and that he stalks his victims before kidnapping and killing them.” “Hmm. Is that so?” “Yeah.” “Why do you bring this up?” “I’m just… I don’t know, stressed? I haven’t been able to do my experiments since we started dating and I got bored so decided to look into the case since I know you’re pretty interested in it too.” which you were but still… with you gut feelings and him bringing the case up out of the blue, something just felt… off.

“Well, why can’t you do your experiments?” you asked him and he sighed.

“Mostly because I’ve been spending my days with you. You always occupy my thoughts you know. I wake up thinking of you and I go to sleep thinking of you. I dream about you every night too.” and you frowned slightly, that unshakable feeling gripping you.

“Really.” “Mhm.” he hummed sliding closer to you, so close that your noses were touching.

“Come on Y/n… I know you’re smarter than this.” he said, his face blank and an unreadable emotion in his eyes.

“What? What are you talking about?”

Jeno took you laptop, closed and placed it behind him. One of his hands rubbed your exposed thigh as he said.

“I know that you’ve notice that I’ve been on edge lately. I also know that you’ve been snooping around my room because of it.” you gulped.

You have been curious as to why he’s been acting strange lately so you did look around his room a couple of times to find anything out of the ordinary. The only thing you found were a pair of handcuffs and that was it.

“H-how do you know that?” and Jeno smirked.

“I have cameras around my house, including my room. You remember that bear I gave you?” you nodded, becoming scared as he talked. Jeno had an intimidating side to him and it scared you deeply.

“The eyes have a cameras in the. My friend Renjun made it for me.” “What?! Why would you do that?!” you asked in shock, your voice rising.

“To always keep an eye on my love. I’ve always had kept an eye on you and you letting me into your life just made it easier.”

You tried to get up but was forced back down back Jeno, his hands at your side.

“I know that you think I’m the Hatchet Killer. And you know what? You’re right. I am the Hatchet Killer and I’ve been so stressed because I haven’t been to kill anyone since dating you.” Jeno closed his eyes, took a deep breath, let it out and tighten his grip on you, opening his eyes back up. “You’re too smart for your own good, you know that baby boy. I’ll admit though, my acting got worse the more I got stressed but I did had you fool for a while didn’t I?” he grinned and you began struggling in his grasp. You wanted to get out of there or to at least have this all be a dream.

“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna kill you. I can never go that far with you. But I will have to give you some rules, just so I can continue doing my experiments without you running off with someone else.

“1. Ditch all of your friends and family. I’m the only man that should ever be in your life now, the only man you should care and worry about. 2. If you talk about your friend Mark, I’ll torture right in front of you. 3. You should love me and only me. Think of only me. Do you understand?”

You had stop struggling by then and nodded your head, tears forming in your eyes.

Jeno smiled.

“Good boy. Now, these rules are simple and easy to follow but if you break any of them, I will have to punish you. You don’t want to be punished now don’t you baby boy?” he cooed and you choked out a yes.

“Good. Now pack your things. You’re gonna live with me for now on. Plus, it’ll be easier to train you if you lived with me.”

Jeno wasn’t going to train you.

He was going to break you. Break your mind and turn you into a docile pet that depended on him and only him. He’s been watching you for so long, for 3 years now and planned this meretriciously while also running his little “psychology experiments”. What he didn’t expect to happen, was to become more obsessed with you than he already was.

He knew he was obsessed, it was just he didn’t think he was so obsessed that he stopped one of the few hobbies that gave him joy in his life just to spend time with you, but no matter. You’ll learn to love this life and him in due time.

You were his new joy.

[axiumin]

Absolution | Chapter Two

Back at it again with part two! This time, there’s more interaction with Youngjae and the beginnings of that burn. 

Pairing: Youngjae x Reader

Genre: Drama, College!AU

Words: 2.5k

Chapters: [1] [2] [3] [4]

You had writer’s block, which was just about the worst thing that could happen to you when you had less than twenty-four hours before your faculty advisor expected to see a completed draft of your term paper. You tried your damnedest to get anything decent written, but every time you’d finish penning a line, the words seemed to glare back at you, jarring and insufficient.

Not for the first time, you cursed yourself for choosing creative writing. In hindsight, you couldn’t fathom how you thought a program that forced you to write creatively on a deadline would be even the slightest bit good for your mental and emotional health, but here you were.

Suffering.

And veering quickly for the melodramatic. Obviously, sitting around and agonizing in your cramped apartment wasn’t going to do you any good. Maybe a change of scenery would help kickstart your creativity, you mused. Or, if it didn’t, at least you could continue to suffer in the relative comfort of one of the library’s study rooms.

You stood and stretched your arms over your head, groaning when you felt your back give a satisfying crack. It didn’t take long for you to gather your things together and make your way to the library.

It was early evening, and with a few weeks still left in the semester, there weren’t any students rushing around in the panic of midterms or finals. The campus was still and silent, and the library was no different. Only one student lingered in the lobby, and they were utterly oblivious to you, their face buried in a sociology textbook and their headphones blasting music that you could faintly hear halfway across the room. The only other person around was Youngjae, working the front desk, and you felt your shoulders sag in relief at the sight of his familiar face.

And by the way he broke into a bright grin when he caught sight of you, you figured the feeling was mutual.

“What brings you here at this hour?” he asked when you made your way to the desk. His voice was quiet out of habit; you both knew you could speak louder without disturbing the only other library denizen, but you were perfectly content keeping your voice soft, too.

“Writer’s block,” you said simply. Youngjae’s face twisted into a look of sympathy.

The campus library had attracted all sorts of student employees, you’d found. Erika was a third-year psychology and social behavior major, and you were halfway convinced that she was the person who kickstarted the trend of perfectly color-coordinated and organized notes. She was brilliant and tenacious and orderly almost to a fault. If anyone could take over the world, it would be her.

Jiseob was an art history major. He was remarkably down to earth, and he often joked that he would likely work in a diner once he finished his degree. But you knew that he was hip-deep in faculty-led research projects. For all that he wrinkled his nose when he talked about grad school, you could think of no one else who could handle academia with such aplomb.

Akram was perhaps the chattiest computer science major you’d ever met. He was the only STEM major among your little pack of coworkers, but he took it in stride, easily keeping pace with conversations about everything from Romantic-era art to slam poetry. Jiseob liked to joke that Akram was a real Renaissance man, and Akram didn’t even try to hide the way he preened under the compliment.

Youngjae was the only one who was also in your creative writing program. He was a year ahead of you and could empathize with your struggles more than anyone else you knew, which you supposed was part of the reason you were so relieved to see him. If you trusted anyone’s advice at this junction, it would be his.

“What are you working on?” he asked, leaning his elbows against the counter.

You sighed and fished out your laptop, opening it up right there to show him.

“For my term paper, I wanted to write a fictional narrative that brings in elements of confessional poetry. I wanted to wrestle with ideas of life and death from the perspective of a widowed woman in her 50s, but I’m having a hard time making things feel authentic. I guess that’s what happens when you try to write about life experiences that aren’t your own,” you said, shrugging.

Youngjae’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “That’s pretty ambitious,” he said, but it sounded more like affirmation than admonishment. “But if anyone can pull it off, it’s you.”

The doubt must have shown on your face because he was quick to press on. “I mean, sure, you’re trying to write a confessional style from a perspective that you haven’t really experienced, but the key is that you’re writing about a human experience. Everyone wrestles with mortality in some way or another, right? You just have to try to find a way to convey your own feelings through the voice of a fictional character.”

“You make it sound so easy,” you said, a bit drily.

Youngjae rewarded you with a fleeting half-smile that made him go from sweet to rakish for just a moment before he returned to his usual neutrally sincere expression.

“It is,” he insisted. “Or, at least it can be if you know how to do it right. I can find some references for you, if you’d like.”

Now more than ever were you grateful you’d made the journey to the library. “Please.”

Youngjae busied himself with the computer for a moment, typing in some author name or other, and it took just a moment for him to turn back to you.

“Ah, we have some Sylvia Plath checked back in right now. Why don’t we check her out?”

You shrugged. “I’m game. What section is she in?”

“I’ll just show you,” Youngjae said, already moving out from behind the counter before you could respond.

“You realize I work here, too, right?” you noted as Youngjae began leading you into the shelves. “Like, I know where the sections are and I don’t even need directions or anything.”

Youngjae didn’t even look back at you, just shrugged. “I know. But it’s boring in here, and now I finally get to do something.”

Well, you couldn’t begrudge him that, you supposed. Besides, it wasn’t like he was bad company in the slightest, even if you had to trot a bit to keep up with his quick strides.

It took no time at all for Youngjae to pluck a book from one of the shelves and hand it to you. It was a slim anthology of poetry by Sylvia Plath, and you began flipping through the pages idly as Youngjae spoke.

“Confessional poetry became kind of popular among American authors around the 1950s and ‘60s. Plath was just one of several who became well-known for this style. She’s not exactly a 50-something-year-old widow, but she definitely had her own dealings with life and mortality. I thought maybe you could draw some inspiration from her.”

You dragged your fingertips across the paper, tracing the letters. “You know a lot about this, even for a librarian,” you said quietly, not tearing your eyes from the page. In the corner of your eye, you saw him shrug.

“Everyone has their stylistic preference. This one happens to be mine.”

You looked up at him in clear surprise, and he ducked his head sheepishly.

“I know, that one always tends to surprise people.”

You shook your head. “No- I mean, yeah, but.” You stopped and licked your lips, trying again. “I just don’t think we’ve ever talked about our inspiration and preferences before. Somehow.”

As a matter of fact, it occurred to you that you didn’t know much about Youngjae at all beyond your friendly conversations at work. You knew him well enough to consider him a friend, but you didn’t know much about him.

As if reading your mind, Youngjae said, “I tend not to talk too much about myself, to be honest. It’s a bit ironic, considering that I’m fascinated with the idea of people laying their emotions bare. There’s just something about the vulnerability of putting yourself in words like this, you know?” His gaze fell to the slightly yellowed pages of the book. “And not only are you putting yourself out there, but it’s permanent. The written word can outlast lives by centuries. It’s powerful.”

His eyes flashed back up to yours and it was your turn to look down at the book.

“I hadn’t thought of it like that,” you admitted. Sure, you were interested enough in confessionals, or else you wouldn’t have chosen that stylistic approach. But for you, it was more about venturing into unfamiliar territory. You were more focused on stretching yourself as a writer rather than the implications of that style.

“Not a lot of people do,” Youngjae said with an easy shrug. “I probably think about it too much. I just think I’m hoping that I can learn how to be more honest, myself.”

You felt your eyebrows creep up your forehead. In the months that you’d worked with Youngjae, you’d never seen him as anything less than kind, open, and sensitive.

“Aren’t you honest now?”

That wry smile came back, and Youngjae shook his head. “Not as much as I should be. Now more so than ever, I guess.”

You let that statement hang in the air as you mulled it over. It was surprising to hear him say that, but you supposed it was actually perfectly relatable.

The heavy silence was broken when Youngjae huffed a quiet laugh.

“This is all pretty topical, isn’t it?” he said, eyes crinkling. “I mean, with the whole Ars thing, it seems like confession is the hot topic this semester.”

You chuckled and shook your head. “I guess so,” you said. “Though I don’t know how many of those confessions are quite as deep as this,” you said, snapping the book shut for emphasis.

Youngjae just shrugged. “Maybe. But that’s just human nature, isn’t it? Everyone has different needs, different concerns. Some people may make a joke of it and post about how hot their TA is, and others may share trauma they’ve carried with them for years. Either way, don’t you think it’s important for people to be able to share parts of themselves like that? It’s hard to live with secrets all the time.”

You hummed in thought. “What about Ars?”

Youngjae blinked in surprise. “What about Ars?” he echoed.

“Well, people are releasing a part of themselves when they submit the confessions, right? But then Ars is taking those confessions in, and all Ars does is post them around campus. Is that release for them? Or are they left living with other people’s secrets on top of their own?”

Youngjae frowned. “Maybe they’re into that sort of thing. It’s not anonymous to them, right? Maybe they’re just looking for leverage over people. Maybe they’ll just turn things around on those confessors.”

You were taken aback. You hadn’t expected Youngjae to suddenly speak so negatively of Ars after all that talk of confession, and frankly, it wasn’t like Youngjae to play devil’s advocate.

A frown tugged at your lips and you shook your head thoughtfully. “I don’t think that’s the case at all,” you said. Youngjae seemed a bit surprised at your conviction. If you were honest, you were surprised, too.

For the second time that evening, silence hung between you, this one heavier than the last. You couldn’t quite describe the look on Youngjae’s face as he gazed at you.

Just as his lips parted to speak, you heard a muted thump and a “Hello?”

Both of you turned to see the sociology kid from earlier staring back at you from the front desk. The textbook was sitting on the counter, and he had a chagrined look on his face as he glanced back and forth between you and Youngjae.

“I’m finished with this book,” he called hesitantly.

Just like that, all tension was dispelled, leaving you with a gusty sigh.

“I should, uh, take care of that,” Youngjae murmured. You nodded fervently.

“Yeah. Yeah, go do that. I’ll just,” you held up the book, “go work for a bit.”

After some awkward shuffling, you managed to make your way to a study desk tucked away in the corner of the room. You sat down heavily, your head buzzing with thoughts of your conversation.

You mused about confessionals, the act of confession, and what that meant for you— and for your paper, too. Your fingers drummed against the table as you deliberated, but it wasn’t a difficult decision, and you were soon unlocking your phone and opening instagram.

What better way to get in the mood for writing a confessional than to start by confessing?

In no time at all, you opened a new message to Ars and typed out your confession, releasing another heavy sigh when you pressed send. You spared a moment for you to sit back and scrub a hand over your face, and then you were shaking off your thoughts and opening your laptop to get to work.

You immersed yourself in your writing, and when you finally sat back, the hour was late and the campus beyond the library window was pitch black. Your muscles were stiff and tired when you rose from your seat and neatly packed away your belongings.

You took a quick detour to return the Plath anthology to its rightful home before making your way back towards the front desk. You had to stifle a pang of disappointment when you realized that Youngjae was gone, replaced by a sleepy-eyed Jiseob. He waved lazily at you, and you returned it before pulling your jacket tighter around you and heading out into the night, your shoulders weighed down by your heavy thoughts.

When you awoke the next morning, you were relieved to find that the strange musing mood had eased. Your mind was surprisingly clear as you went through the motions of your morning routine, as you gave your term paper a final proofread, as you printed it out and placed it delicately in a portfolio folder. Nerves simmered low in your stomach, making it flutter unpleasantly, but it was easy to ignore as you walked across campus towards your faculty advisor’s office.

What wasn’t as easy to ignore were the stark white letters sitting at eye level on a pillar right outside of the humanities building’s side entrance.

“I don’t think I know how to stop being critical of myself and my work.”

The stenciled lettering was pristine, protected from the seasonal rains by its position under the building’s awning. You stood there for some time, just staring at your confession, shocked that it would manifest so shortly after you’d sent it in. Yet your shock was mostly quelled by a wave of relief. In the light of day, the swell of frustration and helplessness that had compelled you to pen these words seemed somehow manageable. 

You felt something that felt a lot like determination settle inside of you. You gripped the cardstock of your portfolio tighter and turned on your heel, ready to stand by your completed work.

[fluentlanguage]

How To Start Teaching Yourself a Language: 10 Simple Tips For Success in Language Learning

Do you dream of learning another language, but you’re not quite sure how to start?

Maybe you’ve recently downloaded your first language learning app, but you’re not quite sure how to go from screen to reality.

Or if you learnt a language in the past and want to refresh your skills, you’re wondering if the world has anything new to offer besides weekly evening classes at the community centre.

Congratulations to you! This is an exciting time. If you’re feeling curious but confused about how to teach yourself a language, this is the right article for you.

Today I have 10 simple tips that will make starting your new language a total success and help you stay motivated for many months and maybe even years. They’re perfect for beginners, or learners who need a fresh burst of inspiration.

Let’s get started:

1. Tidy Up Your Mind

Have you heard about the life changing magic of tidying up? I mean that Marie Kondo book and Netflix show. In Marie Kondo’s world, the simple act of letting go of your less exciting stuff is a way to improve ALL of your life. And that advice works for language learning too!

Before you saddle yourself with the new project of learning another language, it pays to tidy up your mind.

Start with a simple list, asking yourself: “What do I believe about my language learning abilities right now?”

Once all the beliefs are out on paper or screen, examine each one to find out which ones are actually useful to you. In Marie Kondo terms, find the ones that spark joy and throw out all the others. Your brain will be clutter-free and ready for a positive new start!

2. Write a Note for Future You

As you’re currently reading this article, you are probably excited and keen to jump into learning your new language. This is awesome! Let me ask you one more question:

What are your reasons for learning this language?

You have got to know your reasons and hold on to them, because the world is going to start getting distracting. Textbooks and evening classes make lots of assumptions about why you’re learning.

For example, if you’re truly in Japanese class because you love manga, you’ll soon get bored of a textbook for busy travellers. When that happens, it’s easy to assume that you have lost your love for everything in the language.

So make sure you are prepared and do write down what motivates you, and once you get bored you’ll have a letter to open and remember where your true North is pointing.

3. Get Great Gear

Every new project deserves some gear. Runners buy shoes, knitters buy wool, and language learners buy notebooks, dictionaries, textbooks and other delightful things.

If you’re someone who loves to start a new project with an optimistic shopping excursion, go ahead and indulge! For tips on what and how to buy, read No More Hoarding! How to Organize All Your Language Learning Resources.

And to save a bit of money, don’t forget that libraries and second-hand shops always stock a few shelves of language resources that you can use.

4. Get More Than One App

Beyond your paper resources, your smartphone is an amazing language learning tool. The most famous language learning app you might know is Duolingo, but don’t stop there. Download three, four, seven apps to help you learn. Why not!

Every language learning app uses a slightly different system. Get yourself a whole range of different apps to test drive and make it your goal to find out which one’s the most enjoyable.

It’s easy to start ignoring one app’s notifications when you’ve broken the streak. In fact, my advice is to switch notifications off completely as they can easily make you feel bad about your progress when you’re actually doing well.

For a few tips on how to select a good app, see How to Find a Great Language App.

5. Read a Story

Research has shown that learners who learn by reading and listening to lots of interesting input at the right level can learn languages up to six times faster than those who study rules and textbook dialogues.

The trick here is to find something you’re interested in: perhaps a fun short story (like in my German Uncovered course), a video game, comic book, or a song.

Don’t be afraid to immerse yourself in something you only half understand, see if your brain can start seeing any patterns, and make best friends with your dictionary.

It’s surely challenging, but you’ll be amazed at just how much you can learn just from enjoying something you love.

6. Research Music

There are so many cool ways of using music for learning a language that it deserves its own place in this list. You can start by searching online for artists that make your favourite style of music in their language (rap and hip hop are amazing for this), or by investigating local music styles.

Then just hit play and enjoy. To go a little further, you can start reading the lyrics or researching artist interviews. Feeling more ambitious? Attend a concert!

7. Express Yourself NOW

Most people think that they have to wait until they have studied for 50+ hours before they can start expressing anything meaningful in another language. But what if you could flip the script and START by expressing yourself right away?

The trick here is to realise that you don’t have to do this by writing a perfect essay. Expressing how you’re feeling can start with something as simple as one word (“hungry” - “tired” - “headache” - “curious” and so on) and it will help you learn the most relevant and important vocabulary you could ever wish for.

Your act of self-expression can be long like a diary entry or short like a tweet. You can make it by creating a colourful art collage, or by writing the same word in 20 different pens. If you’re feeling brave, you can even share your creation online or record an audio diary.

What matters is that you signal to yourself that you’re ready right now, instead of having to wait for some kind of future level.

8. Make Daily Contact

While I’m on the subject of avoiding anything that makes you feel like you’re “not good enough yet”, I have another tip that has served me fantastically well with every language I’ve taught myself since I left full-time education:

Make daily contact with the language.

That’s all. No need to study 200 flashcards every day or go through four Duolingo levels. What you want is contact. Switch the radio on, watch a video, say hi to a friend, read a page in a book, do a grammar exercise, it does not matter.

Daily contact is the foundation on which you can build a solid language routine without feeling like it’s driving you around the bend.

9. Use Social Media for Language Learning

Most of the time, we think of social media as a distraction and a waste of time. But there’s another way of looking at it.

Follow accounts that share content in your target language, and you’ll instantly have a cool and relevant library of interesting stuff to study. As you get better and feel confident, start making comments in your target language and creating your own posts.

For more specific tips and a list of the best social networks for language learning, check out this list of 17 tips.

10. Try It All

Last year, I interviewed listening expert Cara Leopold for the Fluent Show, who shared this simple lesson on what works well in language learning:

Everything works.

No matter which product you buy or which blog you read, they all have something that will work. The key is finding out whether it will work for you. (“The Miracle Morning” is certainly NEVER gonna do it for me, for example.)

Try Flashcards, try vocab lists, try immersion, try podcasts, try everything that looks interesting in your target language.

Even if you find that it doesn’t work so well for you, it’s unlikely to break your language skills completely.

What Works for You?

Have you tried any of these 10 tips for learning another language? Are you just feeling inspired to add these to your routine?

Leave a comment below to join the discussion - I’d love to hear what works best for you.

Bonus Tip: Build a Language Habit

Habits are the key to building a lasting change and long-term achievement into your life. For language learners, making your study into a habit is just the best. It means you no longer question everything you do and clear the path to just getting on with what you want to accomplish.

I’ve written a short guide taking you step by step through establishing your own healthy language habit, which you can get for free by joining the Fluent Language email newsletter below.

[winryofresembool]

EdWin library AU

A/N: As some of you know, I’m studying to become a librarian, so that means libraries are pretty close to my heart. Add that to my other passion, EdWin, and we get an AU that definitely inspires me. I currently have no idea what will come of this, it may or may not be continued (fair warning, if I’m gonna continue it, it won’t happen until I’ve finished my ice skating au because one au is enough to deal with at once), but a lot depends on your feedback. Let me know what you think, and we’ll see what happens! @edxwin-elric we already talked about a library AU so I’m tagging you here, in case you feel inspired to continue this with me!

Words: 1000ish

Genre: ? (gen/romance for now)

Warnings: none

Winry Rockbell, who was working at a library to earn some money for her mechanics studies, was very ready to go home.

That day had been one of the busiest that month, with people who were starting their vacations coming to return their books and also trying to find some holiday reading. The young library assistant had had to deal with several annoying customers, including one refusing to pay her fees because she claimed she had returned the DVD:s she had borrowed even though that wasn’t the case. After Winry had checked half the library to see if the DVD:s had simply been misplaced in the shelf, she had finally given up and said they would continue to look for them, allowing the woman to leave without paying the fees.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only mishap that day. Another customer needed some information on a topic no one working at the library had ever even heard of, and he wanted a book about it as soon as possible. It took Winry an entire hour to track one down from a library on the other side of the country. And just when she thought the rest of the day would be calmer, the only self-service lending machine in the library decided to get a bug, and she had to direct the customers towards the already long queue to the circulation desk. The customers naturally hated waiting, not afraid to show it when poor Winry tried to serve them with her best skills.

And now, the clock told her it was exactly 8 PM, time to close the library, and this guy in the reading corner showed absolutely no sign of leaving! Didn’t he get Winry wanted to just get home and sleep for 24 hours? She wouldn’t let him just sit there, so hands on her hips, she marched to his reading spot and patted him on the shoulder. Since she was tired and frustrated, she didn’t care about what came out of her mouth.

“Excuse me, we are closing for the day. If you have anything to borrow, I would appreciate it if you dragged your ass to the circulation desk, so we can get out of here.”

“Wh-what?” said a groggy voice from the chair.

“Were you asleep?” Winry felt a tiny bit of sympathy towards this man. She would have done the same if she had had an opportunity.

“Yeah, I suppose… Must have dozed off while trying to find something…”

“Now that I think of it, I’ve seen you a lot here this week. Do you even leave this library ever?” Winry wasn’t used to speaking to her customers this directly, but admittedly, she enjoyed it.

“Of course I do!” the man defended himself. “I’m just… uh, you aren’t allowed to talk about any of this to anyone, right? So, I guess it doesn’t hurt if I tell you, you might be able to help…”

Winry simply nodded, surprised that she had apparently managed to gain this person’s respect by being snarky. What a weird man.

“You see, my brother and I got into an accident a few years ago, and since then… he’s been having some weird symptoms. The doctors he’s seen haven’t been able to help, so I’m trying to figure out what it might be and how it could be cured by myself.”

“Oh… Well, now that we’re being honest, I was kinda expecting to hear that you are here to hit student chicks or something like that… I’m sorry, you just don’t look like someone who spends his days researching…” Winry gestured towards the man’s clothes.

She estimated he was about her age. He was wearing black from head to toe, and he had a couple of piercings as well. Winry could easily imagine him having tattoos underneath all that leather. However, what really drew her attention was the golden ponytail that weirdly suit him, and the equally golden eyes that were burning with passion. Despite that, Winry had seen softness in them when he had been talking about his brother. Something about his entire look felt so fascinating in her opinion.

“As it happens,” she continued before her staring got uncomfortable, “I might be able to help. My parents were doctors and I learned a lot from them, but I’m also aiming to be a mechanic for a new kind of prosthesis that will be connected to the patient’s nerves, working almost like a real limb, and that requires quite a bit of medical knowledge.”

“Wow, that sounds like an ambitious goal. Why are you working at the library if you have that kind of knowledge?”

“Because even the brightest need to get money from somewhere,” Winry sighed. “It’s hard to get a job from my field before I have studied enough, and besides, it’s not that bad here. Actually, I quite like it most days, today’s just been an… eventful.”

A small smile played on her lips now, and she was surprised talking with this guy made her feel better.

“I know what you mean… Anyway, if I remember correctly, you told me to drag my ass to the checkout so maybe we should do that. It’s 10 past 8 already.” He tapped his watch with his fingers. Winry couldn’t believe she had been talking with this guy that long.

“So… Edward…” She saw his name on the computer screen after checking his library card. “This is probably unprofessional of me, but I should really get something to eat before I pass out, and I’m kinda worried about your eating habits as well since you’ve been here so many hours without leaving the building, so… what would you say if I locked the doors and we went to grab a bite together? We could continue the discussion about your research there.”

“I’d like that,” he smirked, and she felt something warm spread into her stomach when he kept staring at her with those annoyingly golden eyes.

“By the way, my name is Winry Rockbell,” she said, reaching to shake his hand. 

As they exited the library together, she couldn’t help but wonder if this was going to be the start of something interesting.

[peterstestkitchen]

Circus Peanut Peanut Butter

Rating: 5/5 ~ 16 votes

Time: 5 minutes (omnivore, unhealthy version), 7 minutes (vegan, unhealthy version), 1 hour (vegan, healthy version)

Every Thursday when I was a kid, my mom would plop me and my brother down at the local library for children’s storytime. When it was over and the head librarian had dismissed us, I would roam the library in order to gaze upon my favorite library things: the model ships, the strange YA cartoon books, and the aisle where every book had a blue sticker of a man smoking a pipe. When mom showed up again and it was time to go, a video cassette—the Star Trek episode, “The Trouble with Tribbles,” usually—was clasped between my grubby paws. In my brother’s, the latest installment in the Hank the Cowdog children’s book series. Ahh… just thinking about the VHS section and I can smell the polypropylene-imbued air sure to be found when in close proximity to the clamshell case palisade!

Come spring, a box of circus tickets would appear on the library counter suspiciously close to the checkout machine. The circus was coming to town! ...And our parents would never let us go. ...Until the day they did.

In truth, I don’t remember much from the circus. It wasn’t in a tent, it was in the town’s hockey arena—and poodles took the place of elephants. In fact, I didn’t even eat circus peanuts while there! Get this, my dad bought a box of Cracker Jacks—for himself! However, this was the genesis of my love affair with the circus. Sorry, honey. There’s someone else… and his name is Barry Lubin! (Barry Lubin is a famous clown.)

Fast forward to the near present and after getting the quarantine spring jibblies, I finally snapped and declared, “If I can’t go to the circus, well, in fact, I’ll bring the circus to me!” (Side note: still to this very day I have only been to the circus once. It’s more about having the feeling that I could go to a circus if I wanted to, rather than the feeling of being barred from a yearly ritual. After all, circuses are generally banal and raise many animal treatment issues. Again, it’s the romanticized circus I like. The Idea of Circus.) So I decided to acquire some circus peanuts, having never actually tried them before.

“So, from where did circus peanuts first appear, even?” you ask. Well, it appears no one knows. They are believed to have come onto the confectionary colosseum sometime in the 1800s, making them one of the oldest continuously produced candies. Well, I shouldn’t say continuously produced, as they originally were a seasonal treat before better packaging techniques were invented! Thank you, science! :) My best guess is that they originated as an ersatz peanut product, similar to how the hazelnut was used as a filler with which to cut chocolate products during a cocoa scarcity in Italy during WWII. (More talk about hazelnut spreads below!) Whatever the case, this homemade recipe is on scale! :) Okay, so back to business.

Acquiring circus peanuts in quarantine was a bit harder than expected. Every store I visited was sold out: Fleet Farm, Walgreens, Kwik Trip—all out! Alas, toilet paper wasn’t the only thing people were snatching up! Curse you, omnivores! (Side note: lest we forget this pandemic would have never happened had the world been vegan. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to suggest that everyone who consumes animal products from factory farms should have to pay the unemployed vegans an extra $600 a month. Why should I, a humble plant eater, pay for the mess of the omnivores yet again? Stop eating meat, y’all! Factually stated, 41% of all land in the United States is used for livestock! What a fuckin’ waste! And excusez mon français!)

So instead of continuing on a wild goose chase to find these golden eggs, I decided to take a radical approach and make my own circus peanuts. (Plus, I found out after Googling around that circus peanuts aren’t even vegan! For shame!) This is where things start to get a little tricky. You see, I’m a bit of a health nut. Well, maybe a little more than a bit of one... I may be a full-on health peanut! Peanuts like me would never eat something so processed anyway... But who’s to say I can’t have a taste of the circus in a healthy, vegan way? Why not make homemade circus peanut peanut butter? And better yet, why not use duckweed as a base instead of circus peanuts? You get all the goodness of the circus but in a spreadable way with all the health benefits of the most nutrient dense plant known to humanity. For yumzeez! :)

World’s healthiest food

For those who only know duckweed from smelly retention ponds, duckweed (also known as water lentils) is actually a great food for humans. It has more protein than soy, has many antioxidants, and is a natural source of B12. Get this, the bacteria that make B12 grow in a symbiotic relationship with the plant! Question: How neat is that? Answer: That’s pretty neat! And by the way, omnis, B12 comes from bacteria in the dirt that vegan animals eat. Given that most cows and chickens eat feed that’s been washed, these animals too have to be given vitamins—the meat you eat is trash :) 

So I finnicked for a long time to get the duckweed circus peanut peanut butter spread consistency right (we’ll save that process for a different post!), bought some peanut-shaped molds from eBay, found some food coloring in the back of the cabinet, and I was off to the races! Err, Circus! I had done it! I had made circus peanut peanut butter! Granted, it tasted more like an artificially flavored banana salad than candy, but it’s the thought that counts!

So… days go by and I get tested and find out I don’t have the coronavirus. Yipee! Time to see my folks! ...But I couldn’t serve that to my family. They’d think I’d lost my marbles! So instead, I came up with a more palatable, albeit less healthy, option. Instead of duckweed, I would use Trader Joe’s brand vegan marshmallows, dye them to the proper color, and mold them in shape. Then I could serve my folks organic, gluten free, non-GMO circus peanuts, or I could blend them to make totally delicious circus peanut peanut butter. Then maybe make a circus-y themed fluffernutter? Mmmmm!

And there’s even an option for the omnis among us: get real circus peanuts and follow the same procedure. (Just know if you do that, the gelatin you’ll be consuming will be from the bones, skin, and hooves of dozens of different cows or pigs.) For simplicity’s sake and also because I am collaborating with an omni for this post, we ended up going with regular circus peanuts. She had already purchased the circus peanuts before I could alert her that it had to be vegan. My bad! :^O “’Tis better to use the food you have than to let it go to waste.” Plus, they were Spangler brand, the classic choice for circus peanuts!

Aforementioned, I called in the big guns: food stylist, chef, event planner, and artist, Kendal Kulley. Check her out on Instagram! She assisted me as we made her favorite sandwich with the addition of my favorite ingredient: the Circus Peanut Peanut Butter and Pudding and Chocolate Peanut Butter Sandwich! First, take lightly toasted Whole Wheat bread (100% whole wheat works best). Then, slather a thick layer of homemade circus peanut peanut butter followed by a smathering of lemon pudding (Snack pack brand is my favorite, lemon is her favorite flavor (within the Snack pack brand family)). Next, add a sprinkling of hemp hearts for a bit of protein and roughage—not to mention polyunsaturated fats!

After that, Kendal likes to add a squidge of chocolate flavored peanut butter or hazelnut spread to thicken the whole thing up. Please note that I do not condone the use of most flavored peanut butters or products like Nutella as they often contain palm oil, a cash crop leading to rainforest deforestation. The same goes for cocoa. Instead, I propose we continue to advocate that the UN apportion monies to residents of poorer rainforested countries so they can live comfortably and keep our biggest source of oxygen intact. I’m happy pitching in a handful of dollars every year if it means I can keep breathing clean air :)

Then, simply close it up and enjoy! Buuuuuuut, if you’re feeling really ambitious like we are, you can make… wait for it… a TRIPLE DECKER! Just repeat the process over again with a third slice and add it on top! YUM. Cut it in half and there you have it! A perfect guilt-free (provided you followed the vegan duckweed version and omitted the peanut butter and used a more hearty bread) lunch item! Bon appétit!

I hope you enjoy this recipe and let me know in the comments how it turned out! It shouldn’t take any more than five minutes if doing the omni method (grrrr!) and about one hour for the healthy vegan method. It makes one jar worth and will last three to five days in the refrigerator—but it never lasts that long! Oh, and if you do end up having sandwich leftovers, it works great for a morning hash! But again, I, for one, almost never have leftovers! :)

Peace!

Peter 

Omnivore version (unhealthy):

Ingredients:

1 package Spangler brand circus peanuts

4 tbsp water

If making chunky, set aside one circus peanut to mince in a food processor or with a knife. In a large bowl, add the circus peanuts and water. Microwave for two minutes on high or until the circus peanuts have expanded to twice their size. Serve immediately or add to an airtight container.

Vegan version (unhealthy):

Ingredients:

1 package Trader Joe’s brand vegan marshmallows

4 tbsp water

2 drops natural banana flavor

4 drops orange food coloring

In a large bowl, add the marshmallows and water. Microwave for two minutes on high or until the marshmallows have expanded and softened. Mix in the food coloring and natural flavor and microwave for another minute. Add to mold and set sit until at room temperature. When fully set, add to Vitamix and blend until desired peanut butter consistency is achieved. Serve immediately or add to an airtight container.

Vegan version (healthy):

Ingredients:

6 cups fresh duckweed

4 tbsp flaxseed meal.

4 drops natural banana flavor

12-18 drops orange food coloring

If making homemade duckweed, follow these instructions and skip the next step. If collecting from a pond, read on. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. In an Instant Pot or lesser pressure cooker, steam the duckweed for one minute on high pressure with the valve set to sealing. Do five minutes of natural pressure release. Blend in the Vitamix with food coloring, flaxseed meal, and banana flavor until it becomes a fine mush. Put in peanut mold. Place in the oven for 10 minutes, or until the peanuts have mostly dried out. Put back in the Vitamix and blend until you have the desired level of consistency. Serve immediately or add to an airtight container. 

Captions:

Oh look! An ant wanted to join us! Hello, little ant!

Comments:

Feel free to email me your comments and I will add them below :)

OMG this looks so goooood!

Thanks for the post, Peter! I just wanna say that I too used to go to the circus with my family every year and loved it! I will try this recipe ASAP.

[aworldawordatatime]

His Protector

She is four with her hair pulled so tightly into fluffy puffballs that her eyes feel all squinty when her baby brother Elliot is born.  Her mama lets her hold him in her lap and her eyes sparkle when she smells his soft, sweet baby scent.  She takes one look at his wide brown nose and his delicate eyelashes as he sleeps wrapped up tightly in the yellow receiving blanket, and she knows that he is hers and that she will be his protector.

“You’re a good big sis,” her mother says, stroking her cheek, and just like that, it has always been true.

She is protective of Elliot; staying nearby when he is toddling on unsteady legs. She changes more than a few diapers, which she knows she’ll tease him about when he is older, albeit goodnaturedly. She feeds him while her mama is putting up her swollen feet on a chair after a hard day working at the hotel as a cleaning lady.  Her mama used to paint when she was younger, but now her body is far too heavy with exhaustion.

Her daddy will be away for another month at least in his truck, and she loves pretending to drive one of her brother’s toy trucks across the old map that lies on the desk in the library.  Before he started driving big-rigs, her daddy was a scholar, but books don’t feed a family, and so he has made do with his lot in life.  She knows that it has to do with the color of his skin, that it is similar to the reason why her doll has blue eyes and long black hair and fair skin that is nothing like hers, but while she knows the taste of this wrongness, she still doesn’t know how to explain it to Elliot.

They are lucky to live in a place that is not as dangerous as it could be, but it is not as safe as it could be, as the students she sees in class with their shiny binders and bright smiles and mothers in designer dresses dropping them off in nice cars. While she knows that her family loves her, she and her brother must fend for themselves most days due to their mother’s long hours and their father’s absence.

When her daddy returns home in the summer, the days are magical.  They stretch out in trips to the museum, a long car trip to see a historical monument, weekly jaunts to the library, and stuff their faces with toasted marshmallows in their tiny backyard.  She tells him what she’s learned and he gives her a notebook filled with a story he’s written— one about a girl just like her, who finds a door in the back of her closet and has magical adventures in another world far away.

She reads it so many times that she has it memorized by the time he comes home again for Christmas.

Years pass and Elliot grows up under the watchful eye of his protective sister.  At sixteen, she’s broad-shouldered and strong like her father, her grin wide and toothy like her mother’s, and her eyes hold secrets that are all her own.  She’s not particularly tall, but she’s stocky and solid, and she can outrun many of the boys when she puts her mind to it.  Elliot is spindly and tall, like an overly ambitious sapling, his narrow shoulders and hips giving him a dancer’s appearance, and he is never without a book in his arms.  His ears stick out on both sides of his clean shaven head, which earns him all manner of unkind nicknames that his sister feels is necessary to beat out of his bullies.  It is only her gender that keeps her from being outed by the shame-faced, black-eyed boys in Elliott's class, for they cannot bear to tell their teachers that they were beaten by a girl and a dark-skinned girl at that.

Elliot scolds her for resorting to violence, but he love his sister, loves how strong and big her heart is when it comes to the ones she loves.  He sometimes snaps at her, annoyed about her protectiveness, but he always sleeps easily at night with the knowledge that she will always watch over him.

The bullies back off, and for awhile, all is as well as it can be.  Still, there are moments that show through the easy smiles and the kisses goodnight and the grades that make her parents beam with pride.  Their mama’s swollen ankles constantly hurt her no matter how much she ices and elevates them, now. Their father’s voice is mostly known through pay phones with lines that crackle and hiss as though to accentuate the distance between him and his family. ��There have been cuts to his hours and his pay, now, and he must make up the difference by working longer hours and taking odd shipments at the last minute.

She also has forgotten that bullies might have older siblings of their own.

One day, when she walks to Elliot’s school to pick him up, he is not standing by the yellow pole where he normally waits for her. Her nerves prickle, red and hot, and she knows at once that something is terribly wrong.  

Elliot is on the ground behind the gymnasium holding his belly tightly, his face scrunched up in a grimace of pain.  There is blood on his forehead. His glasses lie cracked on the asphalt. Two boys are jumping on his pencil box, the one that their father brought back from a trip through Amish country.  They’ve already trashed his backpack and have thrown the majority of his books into the nearby dumpster.  She makes a noise between a howl of rage and a snarl of fury and something about it is so inhuman that it makes them pause in their abuse of her precious brother.  

She rushes towards them, landing a fist in the center of one boy’s stomach. He makes a surprised whooshing sound before crumpling to the ground with a thud.  The other boy grabs a bat and tries to hit her with it, but she’s too fast and gets too close too quickly and he can’t swing hard. She takes the brunt of his shortened swing on her shoulder and doesn’t stop, slamming him against the brick wall until he drops the bat and is on the ground whimpering.

Another boy comes up behind her and grabs her by her hair and she turns, her teeth bared as she grabs his wrist and squeezes the bones in a painful manner that makes his fingers release her.  She twists his arm and pulls him around in a circle, then lets go of him. His mouth is frozen in an “o” of surprise as he slides across the gravelly ground and comes to rest next to the dumpster.

“Elliot!” She turns and runs for her brother, getting down on her knees and checking him for serious wounds.

“I’m...I’m fine, sis,” he says weakly.

“Don’t scare me like that,” she says, hugging him. “Now, come on. We need to get you home and bandaged up before Mama sees you and beats your ass a second time.”

“She’s gonna be mad when she sees my glasses got broke,” he replies with a sniffle.

“She’s gonna be glad that her son is safe,” she replies sternly. “Now you go on and get washed up in the bathroom. I’m gonna get your books and stuff together.”

“Are you sure?” Elliot looks at the three boys groaning on the ground.

“Does this face look unsure?” she asks back, giving him her best Stern Mama impression.

“No,” he says, cracking a small smile.

“Then get,” she says, standing up and helping him to his feet.

“Ok,” he says, brushing himself off, “I know I don’t always say it but...I love you, sis, you know that, right?”

“Stop being so mushy, baby bro, or I’m going to turn ten shades of red,” she replies with a grin of her own, and hands him his cracked glasses.

He puts them on and walks gingerly back into the light.

“Hey,” says a new, deeper voice, and then she hears the ugly word that she’s seen scrawled on walls and shouted by boys with swastika tattoos.

She turns, tries to react, but all she can see is a pale, clean-shaven head, a sinister grin, and the glint of the aluminum bat as it flies through the air towards her face.

A burst of pain blots out her vision.

And then, darkness.

She wakes up.

Unfamiliar trees stretch their limbs above her.  The scent in the air tells her that rain is coming.  She sits on the hill, overlooking the city, not quite sure how she’s come to be here but also knowing that she must stay and wait.

Wait...for someone?

She tries to remember his name, but it is fuzzy and insubstantial, like a photograph left out in a rainstorm. She remembers glasses, the sound of his voice, the way he clicks his tongue when he is trying to concentrate.

She cannot remember.

She wants to remember.

People visit the hill from time to time, but she does not think to ask them.  She knows that she must figure it out in her own head like a puzzle that simply needs to be rearranged in the proper configuration.  She walks along the rows of marble and prowls down the side of the fences, keeping out the Things that lurk past the tree line and running out anyone who enters her domain with bad intentions.  

She finds that she is quite good at this and often wonders how this came to be.

One day, she smells a familiar smell, and dashes towards it, her claws clicking against the stone as she finds purchase. She stops feet away from a young man. He is tall, his shoulders broad in a familiar way, and she thinks brother though she knows that she is no longer human, and sometimes wonders if she ever was.

His glasses are rectangular and his hair is braided and tied into a messy ponytail.  His smile is sad.

“I got into the first college of my choice as photography major,” he says to the marble slab before him.  “I’m going to miss you, you know.”

She lets out a bark of laughter, for she knows the marble will not respond, but then again something tells her that it is not the marble that he is speaking to.

His head turns, then, and he looks at her, his eyes widening.  She, too, is surprised, for she is only used to Bad Things being able to see her.  This boy, though, who is nearly a man but not quite— he is the furthest thing from Bad she’s ever seen.

“Izzy?” he says, softly, and her ears perk. She pads over to him and sits at his feet, her eyes nearly level with his chest due to her massive size.

“Wuf,” she says, I know you, don’t I?

And then he is throwing his arms around her black, shaggy fur and she can feel his hot tears staining her coat as he cries long and loud and whispers “Izzy, Izzy, Izzy,” and she lets him do all of these things without a sound.  She wags her tail, and she can feel the memories grow clearer every time he says her name.

When his tears are spent, he sits next to her on the hill and tells her what happened after her death, that their father had moved home for good and taken job at the local university after the tragedy came to light in the media and someone put in a good word for him.  That their mother no longer had to work at the hotel, but instead made handmade quilts and sold them for a good price.  That the money from the court case against the rich family whose son had murdered her had paid for him to go to a private school with a gifted program.  That he would be able to go to college.

That he has a little brother of his own, born two years after her death.

“His name is Isaac,” Elliot explains. “I know you’d love him just as much if not more than you loved me. He’s got your same smile. I’m his protector just like you were for me.”

As the sun begins to set, she nudges his hand and when he stands, she stands too, her tail wagging tentatively.

“I’m gonna miss you, Izz,” he says sadly.

She barks back, as if to say but I’m right here!

“Don’t worry ‘bout us,” he continues. “You can move on, you know.  Don’ be stubborn, now. You were always too stubborn for your own good.”

She whines softly, her ears tucked down against her head.

“You don’t have to protect me any longer,” he says, his voice breaking slightly. “I’m gonna be ok.”

She nudges his hand with her head, looking up at him pleadingly. All she’s ever wanted for all this time is to be with him again. He wraps his arms around her body again, squeezing her tight.

“It’s ok, Izz,” he says, “You can let go.”

She feels herself fading, then, her body growing insubstantial, and she thinks no, not yet, surely it is far too soon, but then there is a burst of warmth and light and she is gone, and the boy who is nearly a man is standing alone in a graveyard far below her.  

He stands in silence for a long time, watching the stars reveal themselves in the inky sky above him. Then, he turns and walks slowly down the hill towards a home to which she can never return.

[a-lbeit]

151 questions

sorry i’m trash and i like talking about myself

Who was the last person you held hands with? my aunt last night when she slipped me money lmfao

Are you outgoing or shy? shy but i’ve become much more outgoing than i used to be

Who are you looking forward to seeing? rozi and blake!!!!! i just wanna be back in california

Are you easy to get along with? i hope so; i like to think i’m pretty laid back

If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? 100%

What kind of people are you attracted to? kind and genuine people

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i am always hoping for that

Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ,,,,,,blake 

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? with certain people, but not with my friends

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably rozi or maybe my dad lmfao

What does the most recent text that you sent say? "i think it’s pretty self explanatory” in reference to me saying i think i have a hemorrhoid LMFAO

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? -- “the greatest,” lana del rey -- “hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me, but i have it,” lana del rey --“after the storm,” mumford and sons --“leader of the landslide,” the lumineers --“darkness on the edge of town,” springsteen i’m just sad girl trash rn

Do you like it when people play with your hair? nah

Do you believe in luck and miracles? yes bc i’ve been so goddamn lucky to have met the people i’ve met 

What good thing happened this summer? i got to work at the bookstore and the deli and visit lauren and ciaran in new york and do some real nice hikes in the smokies and took a goddamn train across the country and got to know some real nice people thanks to my job at disneyland 

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yeah probably but i don’t really care either way

Do you think there is life on other planets? of course

Do you still talk to your first crush? lol i never even talked to him when i had a crush on him

Do you like bubble baths? i’m not really a bath person

Do you like your neighbors? yeah they’re okay i guess, don’t really know them that well

What are you bad habits? sometimes i be gettin into a funk; i’m bad at distinguishing the line between friendly and flirty; i’m not confrontational; i’m bad at eating well; i get embarrassed too easily

Where would you like to visit? egypt, western canada, montana, russia, argentina, morocco, other places

Do you have trust issues? doesn’t everyone?

Favorite part of your daily routine? don’t have much of a routine at the moment bc i have a broke ass ankle but eating and reading and checking my notifications in the morning lmfao

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my stomach probably but i have issues with a lot of parts

What do you do when you wake up? lie in bed for like 2 hours on my phone

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i’m fine with whatever

Who are you most comfortable around? probably lauren or rozi 

Have any of your exes told you they regret breaking up? lol i don’t have an ex

Do you ever want to get married? maybe

Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? yeah

Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? i dunno but oscar isaac is hot as fuck

Spell your name with your chin. no

Do you play sports? What sports? not right now lmfao but i played tennis for a long time

Would you rather live without TV or music? tv 

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? obviously lmfao

What do you say during awkward silences? nothing i just try to think of something to ask them

Describe your dream girl/guy. kind, genuine, taller than me, feminist, love of the environment, ambitious 

What are your favorite stores to shop in? forever 21 tbh and i guess maybe asos or h&m. also walmart LMFAO

What do you want to do after high school? well right now i wanna get my graduate degree while working at disneyland and then i wanna join the peace corps and then i wanna work for the nps

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yeah probably

If you’re being extremely quiet, what does it mean? i don’t know what to say, i’m uncomfortable, or i’m jus chillin

Do you smile at strangers? nah not usually, maybe if we’re like in each other’s way or something

Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? neither goddamn

What makes you get out of bed in the morning? bathroom lol and i start to feel gross after lying in bed for a while

What are you paranoid about? being financially stable and about being vulnerable to people

Have you ever been high? nah

Have you ever been drunk? yeah

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?  not really 

What was the color of the last hoodie you wore? i haven’t worn a hoodie in a long ass time but probably grey 

Ever wished you were someone else? nah i just sometimes wish i looked different and had more money

One thing you wish you could change about yourself? stomach and broken ankle 

Favorite makeup brand? don’t have one bc i never wear makeup lol

Favorite store? what i listed earlier

Favorite blog? no thanks

Favorite color? don’t have one

Favorite food? burrito bowls from qdoba lmfao

Last thing you ate? chocolate

First thing you ate this morning? ham and cheese sammy and an apple

Ever won a competition? For what? probably at some point

Been suspended/expelled? For what? nah

Been arrested? For what? nah

Ever been in love? no

Tell us the story of your first kiss. my old coworker who lives in la now wanted to hook up so when i first flew into anaheim a couple months ago, he drove over to my airbnb and we were watching the office and the episode finished and i was like should we start another one and he was like yeah or i could kiss you. so we did. it was strange but nice i think. then we made out and had sex lmfao i really went 0 to 100 in one evening

Are you hungry right now? nah

Do you like your Tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t know people on tumblr unless i know them in real life

Facebook or Twitter? facebook

Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

Are you watching tv right now? nah

Names of your best friends? i have several, among which are probably lauren, rozi, melissa, brandon, ben, katie, nicole, estevan, and potentially blake

Craving something? What? california

What color are your towels? orange ish i think

How many pillows do you sleep with? one but my ankle is also on one

Do you sleep with stuffed animals? lmfao right now yes

How many stuffed animals do you think you have? i have so many from my childhood, but probably like 15 in my room

Favorite animal? koala

What color is your underwear? skin colored lmfao

Chocolate or vanilla? swirl

Favorite ice cream flavor? probably neapolitan or like ben and jerry’s half baked

What color shirt are you wearing? blue american university library t shirt

What color pants? black shorts

Favorite tv show? probably new amsterdam and superstore and brooklyn nine nine

Favorite movie? inside llewyn davis and the descendants probably

Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? honestly i don’t like mean girls

Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 jump street

Favorite character from Mean Girls? no

Favorite character from Finding Nemo? i don’t care

First person you talked to today? my mom 

Last person you talked to today? rozi by text, father in person 

Name a person you hate. me bitch

Name a person you love. lauren!

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? nah

In a fight with someone? nah

How many pairs of sweatpants do you have? none

How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? probably like 4 sweaters and 2 hoodies

Last movie you watched? echo in the canyon

Favorite actress? probably frances mcdormand

Favorite actor? oscar isaac

Do you tan a lot? yeah

Have any pets? a cat

How are you feeling? forlorn about california literally all the time

Do you type fast? kind of 

Do you regret anything from your past? not doing enough in the month i was in california before i broke my ankle!!!! i’ll be back tho

Can you spell well? yeah

Do you miss anyone from your past? of course!

Ever been to a bonfire party? probably

Ever broken someone’s heart? nah

Have you ever been on a horse? yeah

What should you be doing? nothin, i’m chillin, tryna heal as soon as i can

Is something irritating you right now? my inability to walk

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? mmm i don’t think so

Do you have trust issues? i still have trust issues since the last time this was asked, yes

Who was the last person you cried in front of? lol i teared up in front of rozi, lyndsay, and britt, but i CRIED in front of blake lmfao. oh wait i was cryin on the plane but i don’t think anyone was really looking at me

What was your childhood nickname? idk i don’t think i had one

Have you ever been out of your province/state? hell yeah

Do you play the Wii? i used to but i haven’t for years

Are you listening to music right now? yeah i’m listening to my new year’s eve playlist from 2 years ago lmfao

Do you like chicken noodle soup? ya

Do you like Chinese food? i’m very specific about it

Favorite book? probably wild 

Are you afraid of the dark? yeah

Are you mean? not usually

Is cheating ever okay? no

Can you keep white shoes clean? for a minute

Do you believe in love at first sight? no

Do you believe in true love? i think so

Are you currently bored? no

What makes you happy? my friends and being financially stable 

Would you change your name? probably not

What your zodiac sign? leo

Do you like subway? yum i stan a good steak and pepper jack on italian herbs and cheese

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? feel flattered

Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? redundant

Favorite lyrics right now? "i miss long beach and i miss you” and “it will steal your innocence but it will not steal your substance”

Can you count to one million? no

Dumbest lie you ever told? i don’t know, i’ve told a lot

Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

How tall are you? i always say 5′3″

Curly or straight hair? wavy

Brunette or blonde? brunette

Summer or winter? winter

Night or day? depends on my mood

Favorite month? december and also maybe september

Are you a vegetarian? lol no

Dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk

Tea or coffee? coffee

Was today a good day? it was okay. i talked to rozi for like an hour and a half on the phone so that was nice

Mars or Snickers? snickers

What’s your favorite quote? i have a lot but i’ve always loved “what is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -- it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. but we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”

Do you believe in ghosts? probably

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42--what’s the first line on that page? the first complete sentence is “he was not sickly or weak but he did not lift very well; he rode horses badly and detested them” from east of eden

[daniellethamasa]

Hey all, Dani here.

Welcome to the first day of March, which means that it is time to wrap up everything that happened in February. Also, Damian and I are now two weeks away from the closing date on our house, and then it’ll be a mad dash to get everything moved in the final two weeks of the month. Thankfully I’ve already made a lot of progress when it comes to packing. I have roughly 2/3 of the library packed up, and we have about half of the living room and bedroom packed up. Our shelves are starting to look very sad and empty. The walls will too as soon as we take down all of our posters.

Anyway, let’s start by doing a quick rundown of where I am with my 2019 goals, and then we can talk specifics on books read and books purchased.

Reading: Well, according to Goodreads, I am currently at 39 books read for the year. With my overall goal currently set at 75 books, I am doing remarkably well. As for my personal challenge of tackling some bigger books this year, in the month of February I read Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor and I started The Last Magician by Lisa Maxwell. Again, not a whole lot of progress, but still, I guess if I take on two longer books each month then I’ll end the year having read at least 24 big books, which is great.

Blogging: Together, Damian and I published 27 posts in February and there was only one weekend where posts weren’t published. I only wrote 2 reviews for books I read in February, but I did manage to make a very nice dent in my backlog of reviews. It was also a massively productive month for visitors, views, and likes/comments. I am so grateful for every last one of you who checks out this blog. Oh, and I even had some other bloggers decide to join me for Middle Grade March and share their TBRs. Damian will attest that I actually got a tiny bit emotional at feeling cool enough to have people join in on a thing I created.

Writing: I actually set out time in my schedule on one day to work on creative writing. That’s it, just one day. Honestly, I mark this up as a failure on my part. But I have written a lot of words on the blog, so I suppose that’s something. Also, we have been dealing with a lot of stuff when it comes to the house buying and planning the move and all of that. I do want to get back to writing, and hope to make that a priority once we’ve moved.

Conventions: We made the decision that we’re going to do a bunch of seminars and panels and such this year at Gen Con, because with the need to do some small repairs on the house and the need to furnish it with appliances and furniture, our money for spending on board games and game accessories will be quite limited. But that’s as far as our convention prep went in February.

Next, let’s wrap up the books I read in February. As always, if I have a review up already, I will link to it. However, since a majority of my reads were volumes of manga, those reviews will still slowly be rolling out on Manga Mondays.

Noragami: Stray God Vol 1 by Adachitoka – 4 stars

King of Scars by Leigh Bardugo – 5 stars

Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor – 4.5 stars

Onyx & Ivory by Mindee Arnett – 4 stars

Akame Ga Kill! Vol 1 by Takahiro and Tetsuya Tashiro – 4 stars

My Hero Academia Vol 17 by Kohei Horikoshi – 5 stars

How to Treat Magical Beasts Vol 2 by Kaziya – 5 stars

Noragami: Stray God Vol 2 by Adachitoka – 4 stars

Akame Ga Kill! Vol 2 by Takahiro and Tetsuya Tashiro – 4 stars

Black Clover Vol 9 by Yuki Tabata – 5 stars

The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner – 4 stars

Warrior of the Wild by Tricia Levenseller – 5 stars

Black Clover Vol 10 by Yuki Tabata – 5 stars

Akame Ga Kill! Vol 3 by Tashahiro and Tetsuya Tashiro – 4 stars

Our watch list for the month is actually pretty short. Monsters, Inc (5 stars)–we had to watch this on 2/3/19 because of the importance of Code 2319 in the movie, Incredibles 2 (again 5 stars), Wynonna Earp Season One (5 stars), and Black Clover Season One (5 stars). Damian and I are also currently in the middle of our continuing watch of Critical Role Campaign Two, and are in the early stages of Wynonna Earp Season Two and Black Clover Season Two. On my own I am in the beginning stages of a rewatch of The Originals. I’m only about halfway through the first season at the moment, but I still really love the show, and rank it above The Vampire Diaries honestly.

So I guess this means that it is time for the book haul portion of this post. I actually did pretty good this month. Two of the books (KoS and The Inheritance Trilogy) were late January buys that arrived at the beginning of February, and two of the books were gifts from Damian as we try to finish off my UK paperback set of The Wheel of Time series. Then, Damian and I decided to do another trip to The Book Loft of German Village and I managed to keep my purchasing restrained, only picking up three books. Finally I had my approved purchases for myself in February (though I threw in Monster of Selkirk Book III, because I am slightly obsessed with the series at the moment). So, overall, we didn’t do that bad.

Finally, it’s time to talk TBR. Now I already posted my TBR for Middle Grade March, which I created/am hosting, but I was also talked into joining Kathy at Books & Munches’ March reading challenge, Monstrous March. The technical theme of Monstrous March is to read horror/thriller books, but when I talked about skipping out on the month, some of my bookish friends were quick to offer other suggestions and interpretations of the theme: read monstrously long books, read books with monsters as characters, etc. So, though I know that I already have an over-ambitious TBR, I’m going to add a few more to it, knowing that March is already insanely busy due to the move.

Well, I suppose if I manage to get to these, then I’ll be keeping up with my two big books each month thing, as both The Eye of the World and Muse of Nightmares are on my list for The Year of Big Books.

All right, well there it all is. Now I guess I need to go read, because this TBR isn’t going to get any smaller unless I make more time for books in my life. How was your reading in February? What plans do you have for March? Let me know in the comments, and I’ll be back soon with more bookish content.

February Wrap-Up and March TBR Hey all, Dani here. Welcome to the first day of March, which means that it is time to wrap up everything that happened in February.

[go7ravel]

The ‘Busy’ Trap

By Tim Kreider 

If you live in America in the 21st century you’ve probably had to listen to a lot of people tell you how busy they are. It’s become the default response when you ask anyone how they’re doing: “Busy!” “So busy.” “Crazy busy.” It is, pretty obviously, a boast disguised as a complaint. And the stock response is a kind of congratulation: “That’s a good problem to have,” or “Better than the opposite.”

Notice it isn’t generally people pulling back-to-back shifts in the I.C.U. or commuting by bus to three minimum-wage jobs who tell you how busy they are; what those people are is not busy, but tired. Exhausted. Dead on their feet.

It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activates they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. there busy because of their own ambition of drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence.

Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work. They schedule in time with friends the way students with 4.0 GPA’s make sure to sign up for community service because it looks good on their college applications. I recently wrote a friend to ask if he wanted to do something this week and he answered that he didn’t have a lot of time but if something was going on to let him know and maybe he could ditch work for a few hours. I wanted to clarify that my question had not been a preliminary heads-up to some future invitation; this was the invitation. But his busyness was like some vast churning noise through which he was shouting out at me, and I gave up trying to shout back over it.  

Even children are busy now, scheduled down to the half-hour with classes and extracurricular activities. They come home at the end of the day as tired as grown-ups. I was a member of the latchkey generation and had three hours of totally unstructured, largely unsupervised time every afternoon, time I used to do everything from surfing the World Book Encyclopedia to making animated films to getting together with friends in the woods to chuck dirt clods directly into on another’s eyes, all of which provided me with important skills and insights that remain valuable to this day. Those free hours became the model for how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

The present hysteria is not a necessary of inevitable condition of life; it’s something we’ve chosen, if only by our acquiescence to it. Not long ago I skyped with a friend who was driven out of the city by high rent and now has an artist’s residency in a small town in the south of France. She described herself as happy and relaxed for the first time in years. She still gets her work done, but it doesn’t consume her entire day and brain. She says it feels like college –she has a big circle of friends who all go out to the café together every night. She has a boyfriend again. (She once ruefully summarized dating in New York: “Everyone’s too busy and everyone thinks they can do better.”) What she had mistakenly assumed was her personality –driven, cranky, anxious and sad –turned out to be a deformative effect of her environment. It’s not as if any of us wants to live like this, any more than any one person wants to be part of a traffic jam or stadium trampling or the hierarchy of cruelty in high school –it’s something we collectively force on another to do.  

Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day. I once knew a woman who interned at a magazine where she wasn’t allowed to take much hours out, lest she be urgently needed for some reason. This was an entertainment magazine whose raison d’etre was obviated when “menu” buttons appeared on remotes, so it’s hard to see this pretense of indispensability as anything other than a form of institutional self-delusion. More and more people in this county no longer make or do anything tangible; if your job wasn’t performed by a cat or a boa constrictor in a Richard Scarry book I’m not sure I believe it’s necessary. I can’t help but wonder whether all this histrionic exhaustion isn’t a way of covering up the fact that most of what we do doesn’t matter.

I am not busy. I am the laziest ambitious person I know. Like most writers, I feel like a reprobate who does not deserve to live on any day that I do not write, but I also feel that four or five hours is enough to earn my stay on the planet for one more day. On the best ordinary days of my life, I write in the morning, go for a long bike ride and run errands in the afternoon, and in the evening, I see friends, read or watch a movie. This, it seems to me, is a sane and pleasant pace for a day. And if you call me up and ask whether I won’t maybe blow off work and check out the new American Wing at the met or ogle girls in Central Park of just drink chilled pink minty cocktails all day long, I will say, what time?

But just in the last few months, I’ve insidiously started, because of professional obligations, to become busy. For the first time I was able to tell people, with a straight face, that I was “too busy” to do this or that thing they wanted me to do. I could see why people enjoy this complaint; it makes you feel important, sought-after and put-upon. Except that I hate actually being busy. Every morning my in-box was full of emails asking me to do thing I did not want to do or presenting me with problems that I now had to solve. It got more and more intolerable until finally I fled town to the Undisclosed Location from which I’m writing this.

Here I am largely unmolested by obligations. There is no TV. To check email I have to drive to the library. I go a week at a time without seeing anyone I know. I’ve remembered about buttercups, stink bugs and the stars. I read. And I’m finally getting some real writing done for the first time in months. It’s hard to find anything to say about life without immersing yourself in the world, but it’s also just about impossible to figure out what it might be, or how best to say it, without getting the hell out of it again.  

Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration –it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done. “Idle dreaming is often of the essence of what we do,” wrote Thomas Pynchon in his essay on sloth. Archimedes’ “Eureka” in the bath, Newton’s apple, Jekyll & Hyde and the benzene ring: history is full of stories of inspirations that come in idle moments and dreams. It almost makes you wonder whether loafers, goldbricks and no-accounts aren’t responsible for more of the world’s great ideas, inventions and masterpieces than the hardworking.

“The goal of the future is full unemployment, so we can play. That’s why we have to destroy the present politico-economic system.” This may sound like the pronouncement of some bong-smoking anarchist, but it was actually Arthur C. Clarke, who found time between scuba diving and pinball games to write “Childhoods’ End” and think up communications satellites. My old colleague Ted Rall recently wrote a column proposing that we divorce income from work and vide each citizen a guaranteed paycheck which sounds like the kind of lunatic notion that’ll be considered a basic human right about a century, like abolition, universal suffrage and eight-hour workdays. The Puritans turned work into a virtue, evidently forgetting that God invented it as punishment.

Perhaps the world would soon slide to ruin if everyone behaved as I do. But I would suggest that an ideal human life lies somewhere between my own defiant indolence and the rest of the world’s endless frenetic hustle. My role is just to be a bad influence, that kid standing outside the classroom window making faces at you at your desk, urging you to just this once make some excuse and get out of there, come outside and play. My own resolute idleness has mostly been a luxury rather than a virtue, but I did make a conscious decision, a long time ago, to choose time over money, since I’ve always understood that the best investment of my limited time on earth was to spend it with people I love. I suppose it’s possible I’ll lie on my deathbed regretting that I didn’t work harder and say everything I had to say, but I think what I’ll really wish is that I could have one more beer with Chris, another long talk with Megan, one last good hard laugh with Boyd. Life is too short to be busy.

[j-writes-and-suffers]

NaNoWriMo Day One

Silverbrook, Oregon was as cold and soggy as a melting sno-cone, and just as appealing. With a population of just over 6,500, they had exactly two sources of income: the logging industry and the local college. Located on the edge of town, Elk Grove University was the only presentable structure left in town. Founded in 1887, most of the buildings were older than women's suffrage, and it showed. Though the ivy-wrapped walls appeared sturdy, the interior was long overdue for repair, if not replacement.

Barely larger than a populous high school, Elk Grove consisted of three large stone buildings, arranged in a U-shape, with a courtyard in the middle and a few newer annexes outside the main U. Students could often be seen milling about the courtyard in warmer months, but by early November, no one went outside without a good reason. As it was currently only late August, the school was still showing some semblance of life. Students were hauling bulky luggage into the western building, home of the dorms and dining hall. To the east, in the administration building, professors were setting up offices, with student assistants helping them haul boxes. The president of the university was sitting in his office, staring out the window as the impending hell of a new semester materialized outside. Julian Moore looked like a well-composed, professional man. Six feet tall and broad-shouldered, an air of authority followed him whatever he went. Right now, though, he was filled with an air of dread, slouched in his desk chair and scowling into a cup of coffee. He hated this job so fucking much. He wasn't bad at it, he was actually an excellent president. Organized, charismatic, and ambitious, he represented their tiny, unknown school with impressive vigor, drawing in funds and students every year with his speeches and presentations.

Despite this, Julian would rather be doing just about anything else. He'd trade places with the garbage man, or even a local bum in a heartbeat. Alas, such was not an option. He was locked into his position, not by tenure or contract, but by a curse.

Twenty-seven years ago, he and his step-sister, Lula had been attending Elk Grove as students. She had loved the small-town folksiness, while he had dreamed of moving to a big city. They often bickered, about the worth of tiny towns, the validity of each others’ degrees, and anything else on the face of the earth two people might debate. In their senior year, he had rubbed her wrong in some petty manner - perhaps stealing a pen, or accidentally spilling her morning coffee - and incurred her wrath. Unbeknownst to Julian, Lula was a witch, and she had cursed him out of spite. Much to his chagrin, he was now stuck at Elk Grove, having worked his way up the ladder of authority almost accidentally.

Julian couldn't leave his current position if he tried, and he had certainly tried. He'd staged public breakdowns, openly told the state school board to eat shit, and even attempted to fling himself off the top floor of the main building. However, no matter the chaos he caused, he would wake up the next day in a well-made bed, with no sign or consequence of the havoc wreaked the night before.

At the moment, he was daydreaming, wondering whether the curse could repair a North Korean missile strike. Julian was brought out of his fantasy by a knock on the door, and he sat up, smoothing his shirt and calling out “Come… ahem, come in.”

A lively young man swung open the office door, smiling broadly and bouncing on his toes. He looked barely older than the grad students, his chin-length blond hair loose and wavy. Fumbling through the messenger bag on his shoulder, he pulled out a slightly-crinkled paper, offering it across the desk. “President Moore? My name is Philip. Philip Valentine. I'm the new English professor?”

“Right. You’re the one they sent in from Portland.” Julian nodded.

“Yes sir!” Philip smiled, offering a hand to shake. “It’s a pleasure to be working with you. My professors back in Portland spoke highly of you.”

“I’m sure they did…” The older man sighed, giving Philip’s hand a firm shake. “Have you been assigned an office yet?”

“Yes sir. I just finished dropping off my things. Do we not have elevators? Four floors of stairs is a long walk…”

“We technically have elevators, but I wouldn’t trust them to move my laundry.”

Philip nodded understandingly. “Ah. I see. Looks like I’ll be getting in shape, then.”

“That you will, son. Is there anything else I can do for you?” Julian asked.

“No, I don’t think so. It was good to meet you. I’ll see you around campus, sir.”

“Yes, you too. Have a nice day, son.” The president climbed to his feet, walking around the desk to lead Philip away. Once the door closed behind him, Julian let out a sigh of relief. It was good for the school to have an enthusiastic new teacher, but holy hell was he exhausting to be around.

Down the hall, the perky young man had paused to check his cell phone. Reception in Silverbrook was spotty, but the edge of town near campus seemed to have decent signal. Philip smiled. His mother had sent a text wishing him good luck at his new job, followed by a picture of his dog, supposedly also wishing him well. He sighed, sending back a heart emoji before putting his phone away. This was the first time he’d be living more than ten miles from home. It felt strangely adult, but also painfully lonely.

Philip was pulled from his thoughts by the growl of his stomach; he’d been in too much of a hurry this morning to eat, and was now starving. Trotting back down the stairs, he made his way to the dining hall, smiling and waving at every student he passed. Once there, he grabbed a coffee and a turkey sandwich, settling at a corner table with his laptop. He scrolled through his emails, diligently reading each one before replying or deleting it. It took about an hour to clean out his inbox, between all the messages from HR, the daily spam of school news, and questions from his new students.

Now that his email was cleared, Philip found himself idly browsing Facebook. He couldn’t help but feel successful - while he was starting his professional career, his friend Mindy was pregnant (again), Joseph was still working as a barista, and Rich was in his 7th year of attempting to complete his Bachelor’s degree. Then again, maybe his friends just weren’t setting the bar very high.

The dinner rush started piling into the cafeteria, the ambient volume rising from “peaceful French cafe” to “Disneyland the first week of summer.” Philip closed his laptop, tucking it back into his bag. There was no way in hell he could focus on lesson plans surrounded by gossip and memes; he’d get sucked into the first interesting conversation and end up talking for hours. He needed somewhere quiet to work if he wanted to get anything done.

The oldest, largest building outside of the main U, the Elk Grove library was a three-story tower of grey stone, casting a long, chilly shadow on the walkway leading up to it. This area of campus was unpopulated even by Silverbrook standards; maybe because it was so far out of the way, or maybe because the dark, gloomy edge of the forest wasn’t very welcoming. Or maybe Elk Grove students were just lazy and illiterate.

Philip tugged on the large brass handle, struggling to open the wooden door. At first, he thought it might be locked, but he pulled harder and realized it was just remarkably heavy. The inside was warm and inviting, rich with the scent of old leather and worn paper. He looked around wide-eyed at the smooth stone walls, stacked high with books of every imaginable subject and genre. This was some Hogwarts-level shit, and Philip felt thoroughly out of place. Should he have brought a wand instead of a laptop?

He crept further into the building, walking lightly for fear of disturbing the quiet atmosphere. The main level was filled with desks and chairs, most of which seemed to be older than second-wave feminism. Several times, Philip found himself hovering over a chair, too afraid to actually sit down. Everything here looked wise and ancient, and he felt horrifically young and dumb in comparison. He was standing hesitantly over a really cozy-looking armchair when a quiet voice spoke up behind him.

“Can I help you find something?”

Philip jumped, spinning around to see a tall slender man in a tweed jacket, with a book under one arm and a small smile on his face. His eyes were bright green with a ring of yellow around the iris, and his mousy brown hair was greying around the temples. Despite this, he actually didn’t look all that old; Philip wagered the man might was, at most, forty. Caught off guard by the stranger’s charming smile, it took the younger man a moment to compose a reply.

“Uhm, I… I think I’m okay, actually. I was just looking for a quiet place to work. The dining hall is really loud and my office is barely the size of a shoebox.” Philip explained.

The older man chuckled, adjusting his rimless glasses and offering a hand to shake. “Well, you’re welcome to work in here. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m the librarian, so if you need anything, just call. Lucien Lyall, at your service.”

Philip accepted Lucien’s hand, smiling warmly. “I’ll remember that.”

Lucien nodded, pulling away and dipping his head in farewell before disappearing around a shelf. His footsteps were remarkably quiet, like a ninja in fluffy socks. No wonder he had snuck up on Philip so easily.

As he returned his hands to his pockets, Philip felt a tickle in the back of his throat. He ignored it for the moment, busy plucking up the courage to take a seat. He crouched over the armchair again, still too nervous to desecrate the ancient leather with his modern ass. After a moment, however, his leg cramped, and Philip plopped unceremoniously onto the seat. To his delight, it was just as comfortable as it had looked. He decided on the spot that he was going to enjoy himself at Elk Grove. This wasn’t just his workplace, it was his new home.

[booksboxesandbaubles]

Welcome to August! Time flies in the Book World! We’re starting our eighth month here  on Books, Boxes, and Baubles, let’s see what books the devilish duo has in store for August…

Kayla:

Currently Reading

#gallery-0-13 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-13 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; } #gallery-0-13 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-13 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

The Geek Feminist Revolution by Kameron Hurley (Physical Book) I know, I’ve been working on this one for a while but I was waiting for my sticky tabs to come in so I could easily make notes as I read.  It’s perfect because it’s small enough to keep in the back of the book until I need them. On another note, does anyone else just love this cover?  This was a total cover buy for me.  Thankfully I’ve loved it so far.

Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson (Audiobook) This audiobook is over 24 hours!  I’m down to just a couple hours so this should be done soon!  I can’t believe how much I didn’t know.

Truth Seeker by C.E. Murphy (Physical Book) I’m about 100 pages into this and if these dogs mellow out I should be done today.  We shall see!

To Read

#gallery-0-14 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-14 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; } #gallery-0-14 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-14 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Radiance by Grace Draven (Physical Book) This was a blind date book I got a while back but haven’t picked up yet.  It’s next on my TBR and I will get it done this month.  I actually know nothing about it but last time that happened I ended up buying the rest of the series just so I could finish it….  Perhaps that’s why I haven’t started it.

You’re Welcome Universe by Whitney Gardner (Physical Book) I got this in a subscription box and it is just such a pretty cover and I love the title.  I don’t know much about it but it feels sassy.  I like sassy 🙂

Words on Bathroom Walls by Julia Walton (Physical Book) Another subscription box book.  I’m trying to get through my backlog of subscription box books to eliminate some of the guilt from signing up.  I really should read them more because most of them have been wonderful.

REWORK by Jason Fried & David Heinmeir Hanson (Physical Book) I actually found this one at a thrift store.  It honestly looks like it never even got opened.  Hopefully not a bad sign but it sounds interesting and with the launch coming soon I’m hoping to learn lots of stuff! We shall see. I can’t wait to review.

#gallery-0-15 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-15 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 20%; } #gallery-0-15 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-15 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Steel by Carrie Vaughn (Physical) Another BDWAB, last months theme was pirates.

Creativity, Inc. (Physical/Audiobook) To be honest, this was a cover buy.  I saw Buzz and the title and was sold.  I’m going to try to read this as a physical book but may do a combo.  I feel like this might be a good book to take notes in.

I Am That Girl by Alexis Jones (Physical, Library Book) This was on my TBR, I don’t remember why but it sounds interesting and I was able to get it from my library.  If I love it I’ll add to my “to buy” list in the future. If you have KU you can read for free 🙂

Blink by Malcom Gladwell (Audiobook) I don’t know much about this book but this and his other book are on my TBR list. I already have this audiobook so I’ll start here.

Leading Women by Nancy D. O’Reilly (Physical, Library Book) Tell me all your secrets!  I know nothing on who these 20 ladies are but I can’t wait to see what knowledge that they can provide.  Another library book for me but KU has for free!

#gallery-0-16 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-16 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 20%; } #gallery-0-16 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-16 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn by John Maxwell (Physical, Library Book) Guys, I’ve read so many of his books it’s not funny.  I think after actually seeing him live a few times it makes it easy because now I just have his voice in my head when I read these books.  Laugh and all.  I’ve learned so much from the others and I know I’ll learn a bunch here.

Living Forward by Michael Hyatt & Daniel Harkav (Physical, Library Book) This popped up as a suggested read I believe.  Total cover read.

Bad Romance by Heather Demetrios (Physical, Library Book) I learned about this when trying to pick a Waiting on Wednesday book and was really surprised to see it available at my library.  Hopefully I just got lucky.

Tricksters Choice by Tamora Pierce (Physical, Library Book) I’m a little ashamed that I have not read this book yet.  It’s been on my goodreads TBR for YEARS.  I love this author, I’ve read quite a few of her books and this is the next generation.  All I can say is it’s finally on my TBR for the month.

Aftercare Instructions by Bonnie Pipkin (Physical, Library Book) Another book discovered by Waiting on Wednesday.  I’m also surprised this is available but I’ve seen mixed reviews.  We shall see!

Ambitious month!  If you noticed I have mostly physical books on here.  That is because I put myself on a buying ban. The idea really was to work on the unread books I own but I got distracted by my library so it’s a combo.  What I want to do going forward is buy books I love and will re-read.  But I love buying books so much!

  Buddy Read

Diabolic by S.J. Kincaid

    Neko:

Currently Reading

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling (Physical, Library Book) Still trudging along the Potter bandwagon! This is probably my favorite of the whole series and I am about to finish it.

Bitten (Women of the Otherworld #1) by Kelley Armstrong (Physical, Library Book) This is another of my Urban Fantasy finds and a very different take on anything I have ever read of werewolf lore. A little slow, but I think that is because the heroine kinda bugs me… But an interesting read none the less!

The Darkest Lies (Lords of the Underworld #6) by Gena Showalter (Physical, Owned) Gideon and Lies are finally up! I’ve really wanted to read his book since he popped up in the series, he is such an interesting character and I love the way he talks. Just started but already 100 pages in!

  To Read

  Harry Potter #5-7 by J.K. Rowling (Physical, Library Book) The last four books of the series are so dark, I really enjoy them but I’ve actually only read #6 two or three times and #7 only once. The last book really dragged on for me so I am curious how I will find it this time around.

Lords of the Underworld #7-13 by Gena Showalter (Physical, Owned) My first foray into Paranormal Romance! So far I have loved it, the demons are a riot, the girls have no problem handling their fierce warriors, the heroes are all well rounded characters, and I’m really enjoying the plot! Strange thing to say about a romance I know but that’s Neko! 🐱

Angels of the Dark #1-3 by Gena Showalter (Phyisical, Owned) This is a tie-in series with the Lords of the Underworld so I figured, since I am almost to their starting point, I would just add them on into the TBR! The angel short story was great and I’m hoping these three will be just as good.

Some Girls Bite (Chicagoland Vampires #1) by Chloe Neill (Physical, Library Book) Think I ran into this series on Goodreads and it was Urban Fantasy so I figured why not!

Written in Red (The Others #1) by Anne Bishop (Physical, Library Book) This one I found at Barnes and Nobles while looking for Patricia Briggs books. Sounded interesting and again it was Urban Fantasy.

Half-Resurrection Blues (Bone Street Rumba #1) by Daniel José Older (Physical, Library Book) I’ll let you guys guess why I picked this one… I am so transparent…

Still have some requests to go! So look for them as well!

  What books are you guys reading for August? Reading any of our choices? Let us know in the comments!

August TBR: Come check out our picks for the month! Welcome to August! Time flies in the Book World! We're starting our eighth month here  on Books, Boxes, and Baubles, let's see what books the devilish duo has in store for August...