#I don't necessarily miss this stage of my life but I still think of it fondly

[starlightseer]

@teamxdark and I went down memory lane a few nights ago and read posts from our absurdist Chilled and Yajirobe blogs.

So mad that my sense of humor hasn't changed one bit. I STILL laugh at Chilled's bullshit like the day I wrote that stupid shit.

[kanmom51]

Okay so I had to put my thoughts down in words

I just don’t know how to feel about what Jimin said in the bts of Muse, other than sad.

I guess I should start by saying I’d been dreading him saying something along the lines of that since I heard Who, as to why he made it. The MV bts came and went and then bam, we get a mini production diary, with saying he’s looking for love and is alone. Exactly how I thought he would explain it.

I hoped I’d be wrong but alas, he more than confirmed he is single. I suppose it’s not surprising, but all of our collective hope or support seems in vein now.

I’m still going to watch the travel show but I feel sad about it tbh. They make such a cute pair.

I'm really sorry that you feel that way love.

Especially knowing that you are just not taking what JM said the right way.

In any case babe, whatever you might believe about their relationship, that shouldn't take from you supporting them for being the most adorable human beings possible.

I won't go too much into the BTB. I do think you need to watch it multiple times, try to pay attention to JM's body language too. But I will say that I do think that your reaction here is unwarranted, in the sense that JM IS NOT saying he's single or that he is looking for love or that he is alone.

Let's start with the fact that JM was going for the gender neutral lyrics to start with, but that changed, probably because it sounded better with the "she" instead of the "you".

So, yeah, JM originally wasn't looking for a she, but a you. Funny how if this was an autobiographical song that would have mattered, right? Oh, wait a second. It isn't.

The song is not about JM, not about his real life, not about his actual experiences down to the T.

Not this song, nor Muse the album, even though the other songs were written by him.

Not an autobiography. Unlike Face.

JM says it here and he said it in his album exchange with RM!!

See, it looks like you are doing exactly what JM wanted fans to do. And that is get the wrong idea!!

Did you miss this perhaps?

Yeah, you probably missed JM saying this.

Btw, when JM talks about his diary, I really don't believe he means a personal diary where he writes his wants and needs and experiences, lol. He's talking about that diary where he writes his ideas for the album, his ideas for the songs, where he wrote his lyrics to the songs for Face (we got that diary with Face) and for Muse. And JM, he's a shy boy, Idk if you are aware of that. This young man who oozes confidence on stage is so very shy and the experience of having to explain to John Billion the idea he wants for the song and it coming to life left him a little self conscious, shy.

This isn't about the song telling the story of his life. This is about having to explain an idea for a song, his vision, it actually being something that he isn't going through.

Ok, moving on.

Again, JM explaining the vibe he is going for with the song.

And again his shyness.

He continues to say that he poured all his emotions into this so he's embarrassed.

Not because these emotions are his as in this is what he feels right now longing for love, but because he feels embarrassed to explain his emotions about the song, the emotions he's looking for in the song.

I suggest that if you are having an issue with understanding how this song is not JM, not his life, maybe go rewatch the album exchange with RM.

And read my post on it as well.

These feeling JM is trying to encompass in Muse (and Who) are part of the universal language of love, a language he is using in Muse to convey his message, which is not literal.

And specifically when he talks about Who, it's about that feeling of excitement in his work that he's looking for. Those are the feelings he's talking about. Not the lyrics about the "she" (who was supposed to be a "you"). Not the lyrics that are written in the universal language of love. No. It's about the feelings about his work. The feelings about the message he is trying to convey. Which has NOTHING to do with his love life!!!

But again, he's telling us about those feelings through a language we all understand. So that longing he has for that feeling with his work is brought to life as a longing for a someone to love.

This!!

It's a story he wants to tell!!!

And the whole "everyone's living alone" sentence that you are probably clinging to, cause obviously...

a. He could be talking about the fact that at some point of every person's life, they are living alone, as without a partner, a loved one, and as such it's a relatable feeling.

b. It's not like people that are in relationships don't feel alone at times. Even JM, who was in a committed relationship with JK when going through the struggles and feelings he had and poured into Face, into Alone felt that way. I bet you JK was feeling alone or lonely during the time JM was working on Face and Muse. During those lives in Feb 2023. And yet, he was in a committed relationship with the person he loved.

c. He's trying to tell a story, and he's trying to convey his longing for that feeling with regards to his work, and being lonely is how he's explaining it, the way he's conveying it to us. Hence the "everyone's living alone"... meaning - that is something everyone will understand, meaning, hoping he picked the right idea, the right way to convey his message as the 6th song for Muse!!!

THAT IS ART!!!

And JM created art. Not "this is a song based on my own experience" art, which he did with Face, but "this is a story I want to tell that will help you understand my feelings about my work" art.

And he knew.

He knew people will make the wrong assumptions.

Just like you are right now.

Side note, and before I go, Idk if you have noticed this, but Muse, promoting the album, talking about the album, is so much easier for JM to do than Face. With Face all we got was that it's personal, that he was struggling, but not much more than that. JM was pretty much staying quiet, and even when he did talk he was saying much of nothingness. While with Muse he's talking, he's opening up, he's explaining. You know why? Because it's not about his life!!

Just saying.

[papermonkeyism]

I think I'm finally starting to recover, after a few years of artistic dry season.

The plague was a big hit, then losing my job and finally my social life collapsing once my IRL DnD group basically disbanded pretty much destroyed what creative juiced I had always lived on up to that point, and it's been HARD to just not having any desire to be creative or do anything.

But now that I have a job again, and have had it for long enough my bank account is stable, and having been adopted into a new DnD group that's active both in-game (weekly game sessions!) and outside of it (we actually talk and communicate generally as well! It's mostly online, but it's still more than I've had in years), I have started to feel more like myself again. That, and the brain meds. I can't overstate how big it is that my default doesn't have to be brain fog anymore.

Like, I'm doing evening doodles again? I'm actually having fun thinking up creatures and characters and plots again? I stopped carrying my sketchbook and pencil case with me everywhere I went during my dry stint of nothing, but now I actually feel like I'm missing it when I don't have it on me at times, like during coffee shop visits.

And I kinda... want to MAKE a thing again.

(Just thinking out loud again, pay no mind.)

I miss having a Project.

Jumping back into making fully plotted out comic feels a bit too much at this stage, though, so I probably won't dedicate myself wholely to something of that scale.

I don't know what exactly will be the final shape of Arcanth's eventual thing, but I'm currently enjoying myself in the fiddly worldbuilding stage. (And just so you know, in the slight off chance that I might maybe pick Wurr back up again some day, I probably won't tell you about it. After all this time and all the messages I've gotten, I don't trust you guys with that one anymore. Even if I would eventually get back to posting it online, it won't happen untill I have a full year's worth of buffer and that would still be a loooooooong way from now even IF I got back to it full time, and I still have that day job besides anyway.)

But what if...

I think an art book or a zine or something might be more achievable at this point.

I feel like the dinosaur project thingy needs some more fiddling with its eventual format (I know I already have enough concept doodles to fill a zine on its own, but I crave an excuse to go ham with watercolors and make full illustrations), but it's one option I still want to make eventually.

And I kinda want to do a slight redesign for the Singing People. (I bought a skull replica a while ago that had narrower snout than how I had drawn them. And I know it doesn't matter that much, and I can always invoke artistic licence and "they aren't necessarily supposed to be any specific real life dinosaur species, it could always go with the 'undiscovered' route if I feel like it and the Troodon/Stenonychosaurus material is super fragmentary anyway", but I'm pretty sure it would bother me anyway if I didn't at least try it out and see how it looked.)

Though I think I got an idea about what to do with Entica!

Those of you who've been here a while know that one started out as my pandemic project. The world had just shut down along with my job warehouse, things were still new and uncertain, and I suddenly had so much free time and not much to sink my creative juices into, and I wanted something low pressure to do.

So I dug up an old setting from my teenage years two decades ago, gave it a facelift, threw out my teenage baggage and just ran wild. No planning, no plot, just art.

The "no planning" part did get back to bite me when the morbs eventually hit and I finally ran out of the creative juices, but that's still a lot of very good material, right there, ready to use.

But I just thought of a new framing device that would work with the already existing material AND give the character more of a goal and agency to make plotting more fun! And I think I like it.

Instead of a random scribe with no background from a place I didn't bother designing who just wants to see the world, Didor now works for a library that has sent her on a mission [to document something and/or take a message to *place*]. She still wants to see the world, but now she has a background, goal and a motive to do so!

And instead of just hanging around at Maaro's cart while Maaro does her own unrelated thing, Maaro is actively helping in her goal! While also doing her job.

I feel that having Didor be on a field work mission would give it more structure while not having to technically retcon anything already existing, and gives more solid excuse to do things than "random encounter number 82" would. Also potential reasons for further adventures ("While you're already out there, could you maybe also do X on the way?")

Also I want to insert nawani in it earlier. I didn't even have them as part of the setting untill psrt way through, and I want to show them off more.

Maybe a travel journal, perhaps?

[blushblushbear]

Scale, Seth and Haru husband headcanons pls?

ngl I think all 3 of these dudes would have a weird adjustment period to being husbands, though frankly I think Scale would maybe have the easiest time (well-- MAYBE Haru, but okay---)

Scale

I think the biggest change from boyfriend to husband is going to be him questioning if he should continue his assassin work

He's not going to set down his knives quickly or lightly but like----

he has a spouse now

he doesn't want them becoming a widow/widower

OR EVEN WORSE GETTING CAUGHT UP IN HIS BUSINESS??

bruh, he would DIE

I highly doubt he'd actually end up quitting but there WOULD be some changes around here

for starters--- he has a better divide between his personal and professional life

This is maybe me watching too much venture bros but I really do like the idea of Scale adopting a sort of on the clock/off the clock mentality ("That's my business-- but we're not at the office right now, ya see")

also he gets WAY more protective

your home is probably laced with all kinds of booby traps

and he DEFINITELY makes you run drills

like fire drills but instead of fire it's enemy assassins

Aside from the stuff pertaining to his career, he's actually a very sweet and loving husband

Not necessarily a 'I made a home cooked meal in my apron' every night kind of loving but more a 'I stopped by that place you like and got us dinner' type

also def kind of nerdy husband but less about magic or dnd and more about weapons and armor (though don't get it twisted, he'll get down hard on some dnd)

lots of quality time whenever he's home

lots of texts when he's away

lots of cuddles on the couch and falling asleep in each others arms

he knows your favorites and brings flowers when he's been gone for a while

you're his home <3

and frankly he's very protective of that home

Seth

okay honestly

Seth is probably the one who has to step up to being a proper husband the most

at the start he's definitely bad at this whole 'being a good husband thing'

but all it takes it you getting visibly frustrated with him a handful of times and he realizes he needs to up his game

his life is REALLY different now, but if he gets to spend it with you it's worth it

and for what it's worth he's actually really good at apologies

and also good about being sincere about them too, it's not just fluff to get him out of trouble

he's also very protective of you but he's not as 'DECLARATION OF HIS UNDYING LOVE AND PROTECTION AGAINST THE LIGHT OF THE MOON' as Scale is about everything

also is actually really good at listening to you vent/share work drama

also always offers to send your annoying co-workers to hell

you say no but the offer still stands

is only really good at barbecue and baking so anything too far past that you're gonna have to order in or cook for the night

also I don't know if he'd suggest this first but if the subject of having date night comes up he's actually really really about date night

likes to take you somewhere nice or fun or both

also will try to convince you to adopt a hellhound

this will be a forever conversation in your marriage, just letting you know now

Haru

so look

I'm not saying Haru would ever cheat on you

actually far from it

BUT I WILL SAY that going from a long ass life time of tom catting around every night to a committed long-term monogamous relationship is going to be a major life change for ANYONE

including Haru

that being said that's actually kinks you worked out early in your relationship

I do get the sense that Haru low key misses his old life a bit, but knowing you has changed him too much and he could just--- never go back ya know??

and frankly he wouldn't want to

but again that's like--- also stuff that was dealt with during boyfriend stage

actually honestly, once you're committed to each other, he legit doesn't see you as anything other than his mate

married or not his attachment is the same honestly

marriage isn't JUST a human thing but it's more of a you thing that a Haru thing

as far as he's concerned you two are as good as married already

all though who could pass up a party to show you off and celebrate your union???

so yeah-- you'll have to bring it up, but Haru is down to marry you right away

so I think with Haru, YOU'RE going to have to change your life the most due to marriage

he's kind of the leader of a whole group of people

he's not going to make you come live with them, but you ARE gonna have to at least be next door

that's gonna be the biggest marriage hurdle depending on who you are

though if push comes to shove he is willing to find a successor and run away with you

but low key please don't make him do that cause his people need him and he loves them and also he'd feel guilty about it FOREVER haha

but yeah past that married Haru is not much different from boyfriend Haru except he's a little bit more clingy/up front about pda etc cause HEY that's his SPOUSE, he's allowed

he also does REALLY LOVE calling you his spouse in front of anyone and everyone as many times as he can

[bciphergrl]

Ello everyone! I know that we, the fans of Tophat On A Stage, have been celebrating the death of Chip Rotwood Jr. That horrible jerk will never be missed. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. Oh no no no! For today's theory, it's related to the purple titan itself. You see, the creator just released her newest comic, issue 52. It dives into the types of reoccurring dreams that Newton keeps having. I'm focusing more into the fact that he has been keeping seeing the purple titan more often, since the death of Jr. But I know that you're here to listen to my theory, not me explaining what happened in the comic. So, here's my theory: the purple titan isn't gone for good.

I know. It sounds pretty vague. Just let me explain to get your gears rolling as much mine has. I get it that the purple titan is dead. I don't doubt that. The creator of Tophat On A Stage literally confirmed that multiple times (even in her recent fun facts of the week) before and there's definite proof in the movie "Out Walking The Dog 2".

(Seriously, go give it a rewatch, if you don't believe me.) HOWEVER she didn't say anything about a possible of it being gone for good. I can already hear someone saying "But how is that possible for it to still exist, if it was already killed, before the comic series even started?". That's a good question. I have re-read the comics to get a better answer to it. It's honestly rather simple. The remnant within Newton. You see, Marlon has remnant of the yellow titan within him and uses it's powers. This applies to Newton as well. He was only to finally use the power of the purple titan (even though unintentional), assuming, for the first time out of fear of Jr ending his life.

Despite those two titans being dead, I believe that having a remnant of them allows them to still use their powers. Marlon has demonstrated that more than plenty of times within the comic series so far.

After all, the color of his eyes shows which titan. Even though having a remnant of a titan still allows them to use their power, it shouldn't influence them....right?

That might not be necessarily true. We saw how much it mostly changed Marlon. I know you'll probably say "That's because the green titan is the only one who wasn't killed" and you're correct. It's the only one who lived. However, that's doesn't mean that ghosts can't exist. Remnant from ghosts to be exact. What is exactly remnant though? Well, in order to answer that, I'm gonna need to talk a little bit about Five Nights At Freddy's for a moment. It has been mentioned there in the Fazbear Frights books I've read. To save you the pain and suffering from having to read it's complicated lore, both game and book series, I'll just tell you what remnant basically is in the FNAF universe. Remnant is anything that remains after a person's death. This includes memories, feelings and ghosts. It can embedded itself into objects.

But I believe the remnant in the TOAS AU is different in this case. It embeds into a living soul. This can very easily influence a person, especially if using powers more and more often (if that remnant had any in the first place). It could even talk to the living soul in their dreams, if the remnant has a strong enough influence on them. Think about it. Marlon isn't the same person he once was. He has changed into an (almost) entire different person. Who's to say that the same thing can't happen to Newton?

We did see him being able to talk to Captain Pud, since his father is a ghost.

This could apply to the purple titan as well. Just in a different way. For now, he can only see it in his reflection in his dreams. It seems to only interact with him by waving and/or staring at him. It was shown in the last two panels. He was able to see it's titan form more often, since the event with Jr. I think it's possible that the more he uses it's powers, the more likely he'll keep seeing it in it's titan form in his reflection than when it possessed him. It's gonna eventually start to actually talk to him, via influence him into a different person.

It'll be a slow process for Newton, due to only being one titan remnant within. Marlon has a live green titan and a remnant of the yellow titan. So, the influence got to him quicker.

So, in conclusion, the purple titan is dead DEAD. But still around as a ghost in a form of remnant to influence Newton into a different person, whenever it's a good thing or a bad thing. It's more so on the latter in my opinion. This could be important to know this for the future of issue 100. We can only wait and see. But hey! That's just a theory! A Tophat On A Stage theory! Thanks for reading! Have a good day or night and stay hydrated!

(All the images belong to @theizzizzy)

[saintmouthed]

dtcfdp chapter 2 (author commentary)

I fear it is time to Reread dtcfdp Again and I'm going to be so annoying about it, actually. Anyway I'm gonna basically reread my own fic and liveblog the experience. Chapter 2 commentary starts under the cut, but you can find chapter 1 commentary here if you're interested!

FLIRTING DISGUISED AS NEGOTIATION...oh I see that's always been a favorite of mine.

"But it’s difficult not to feel like life is passing him by, stuck in this temporary place between all the milestones of ‘average’ adulthood and unable to find his way to the next stage, watching everyone else leave him behind. With jobs, with relationships, with careers. If not with those things, then at least they know what they want and how to get it."

yeah I was going through it in early adulthood, how did you know? (I wanted this fic to like... explore that more thoroughly, but I had SO MANY threads going on in this fic, and the most interesting was the goofiness and the kink, so that's what we got)

(though this does remind me that I found my notebook where I brainstormed dtcfdp in the first time,,, perhaps I will share some of those notes as a DVD extra at the end of the commentary)

It was fun. It was kind of silly, though, because that’s just the way that we were, and I don’t think I necessarily left those encounters feeling like I got everything I could from it. R.

baby masochist R my beloved. SOOOO much projection in this fic, except my adventurous partner (the one that inspired this ex-boyfriend of R's) was too embarrassed to even admit they were into That even though it was so obvious and I knew.

Aren’t you a sadist? Do you even know the meaning of the word? R. For the sake of making sure you’re comfortable playing with me at the end of the week, I absolutely know the meaning of the word. Ange. What about for the sake of honesty? R. Rarely. Ange.

been talking about this a lot lately. Another thing that I wanted in the fic but it never made it into the actual text. I always imagined that Enjolras had a nasty breakup with someone in the scene before he met Grantaire and he blames himself, and that's why he's holding back so much and trying so so hard to be careful with Grantaire's boundaries. Of course that's part of where the whole mess comes in, they're both so worried they're doing something Wrong that they don't want to Talk to each other. lmao.

Besides, Fantine lets him use the wheels after-hours and on his days off so long as he pays for the clay, and sometimes he really fucking misses the ceramics lab.

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS...oh Grantaire and Joly and Bossuet only drink from Grantaire's hand thrown mugs. When he first started working at the Paint and Party, they were so wonky and small because he was out of practice. Now they're increasingly elaborate, to the point where Joly and Bossuet still use the wonky ones because they're afraid of dropping the pretty ones.

If you’re asking me if I’m attracted to you, though, the answer is yes. Ange

writing dtcfdp enjolras is soooo fun. Especially when I get to write his POV, because to Grantaire he's always trying his best to be suave and charming and mean, meanwhile mentally he's swearing up a storm.

Mhm. There’s nothing quite like it, and I am all kinds of mean there is. Ange.

LIKE THIS

“You feed your adventure to a hungry dragon,” Bossuet adds, helpfully. Grantaire doesn’t know how he manages to sound so excited. Bossuet has consistently gotten terrible rolls no matter the game or the dice, and out of the four of them, even with as much as they play together, he’s the only one who’s had multiple characters die in-game due to unfortunately timed crit-fails.

I STILL HAVEN'T PLAYED THIS GAME RIP....poor Grantaire having all his TTRPG characters die. That was cruel of me

the negotiation... tearing up, remembering my early forays into the scene,,, wow

Not this time, he says. R. This time? Ange.

as much as Grantaire goes insane for Enjolras saying "next time" in this fic... you just KNOW that Enjolras is frothing at the mouth at this mention.

Which is fine. He's fine (section break) He is not fine.

this never fails to make me laugh.

“This is my cue to remind you that everything about this is up to you.” “I know.” Grantaire says, voice muffled against his shoulder. “You can go home right now, if you like.” “I know.” “I absolutely will not ask you to do anything you don’t want to do.” “I know.” Grantaire says, once more, with a huff of laughter.

Ange runs his hand up and down Grantaire’s back in a comforting gesture before pulling away to look at his face. “Good. It’s always worth repeating just once more. Now, what would make you feel most comfortable? Do you want to call it off for today, or try another time, maybe?”

genuinely crying now....I love them and also just, agh. I loved getting to write him as gentle in these crucial moments. I love a sadist as you probably know but I also love a "hey, reminder, you're safe, you're in control" sweetness.

“That’s cute.” Ange says. “But unnecessary. Save your ‘sir’s for when I actually punish you.”

was just talking about this too!!!! this was legitimately my favorite thing to play with in this fic. Grantaire constantly throwing around sarcastic "sir yes sir"s and Enjolras tolerating it.... until That Scene

“Words, please.”

fucking menace. I hate when they do this (by which I mean I think it's mean, by which I mean I love it) but also I LOOOOOVE saying it myself. So. The duality of man.

“How are you feeling?” “…A little bit…fuzzy.” Ange chuckles, resting his hands on Grantaire’s thighs. “Happy?” Grantaire has to think about this for a moment. “Yeah, I guess so. Why?” “Because you’re grinning like crazy.” Grantaire touches his face to confirm that he is, in fact, grinning a wide smile. “Oh.”

SCREAMS... I forgot about this. FUCK. I love this. SO MUCH.

I'LL HOLD YOU AS LONG AS YOU NEED....do you ever CRY. I love the chapters that end like that. it's so CUTE.

this was so fun. I love reading over this fic, and lately people have really been flattering me telling me they reread it too. <3

next chapter commentary coming soon!

[kkoct-ik]

kottik i think ive already said it before but i SO so appreciate your perspective and attention to detail with dissociative stuff. trying to wade through scattered info on the internet for reliable resources feels like an impossible task sometimes lol so having the DID writing guide + your alter worksheet definitely helps a lot! 

feedback on the guide itself: i loved it!!! the only parts i didn’t personally find relatable were the parts discussing later stages of healing/recovery (since im not quite there yet) and some of the functional neurological symptoms, but everything else felt like it was describing my own journey and experiences with DID perfectly. i also really appreciated the section on amnesia and different types of dissociation, plus the lesser known symptoms, since a lot of the time i see conflicting and confusing info on that + i feel like a lot of writers who try to write DID and describe how amnesia feels miss out on that stuff and just skim webmd or something for their info. and honestly even in online And offline discussions of DID ive seen other people try to describe how it really works and feels and its… not always described well lmao . but that’s a whole other can of worms etc

i think, though it’s just a writing resource, it was also very affirming to see it all laid out like that. like Oh shit yeah i do all of that. that’s my life on the page!!! the whole time i read it i was like ‘i knew this stuff already, but i never knew how to explain it properly.’ and it’s definitely the kind of thing i wish id been able to see when i first started noticing my symptoms. many years of misinfo and confusion have messed w my perception of myself n my disorder for a long time so it feels like a breath of fresh air to see someone else pushing against that and actually doing their research to try and clear things up. not to mention how clear your descriptions are + how easy it is to comprehend your explanations, while still being concise and to the point. so great work!!! 5 star rating, will definitely be recommending it to others :3 hope to see more from you + hope that it helps others write cool stuff!

i missed this ask!!!! sorry for missing this yesterday

thank you!!!!!! mwa mwa mwa. im so glad. so happy yaaaay

yeah, i definitely relate with the struggling to articulate experiences, being muddled by things online, and feeling like other people really dont quite get it when trying to represent whats going on. it makes me happy i can help with that!!

i feel like i'm in a good place that i've read a Lot of DID & CPTSD lit and i've been stabilising in treatment (processing some stuff, working on myself, getting a better understanding of therapy practice). i think it's given me a lot of perspective on my disorder that i wouldn't really have otherwise, and that a lot of people might not have either.

(rambling...)

cuz yeah. i think trying to understand DID on the internet is a monumentously difficult task. on one hand, you have personal accounts from people with DID, and on the other, you have doctors and generic websites. both don't quite give a full or reliable picture.

if you try to understand DID by listening to individuals, you're vulnerable to being incredibly confused and misled. and most of the time it's not intentional - it's hard to communicate what your symptoms are when you think half of it is normal and the other half is conflicted and fragmented - but it can give others very strange ideas about what the condition operates like at large.

it might also seem respectful to take everything we say at face value, but that ends up meaning that our flawed / misguided perceptions of ourselves and our symptoms become solidified as fact. we are mentally ill, we are not necessarily educated, and are a patient base prone to daydreaming and suggestion. we can get things wrong, and we can emphasise the wrong things.

when people take our unreliable accounts as fact (vivid recounts of psuedomemories, venting about feeling like seperate people, or expressing any number of mistaken symptoms), our experiences can start to sound like fantasy. suddenly DID sounds like a disorder you could not fathom having or ever truly understand, rather than a disorder that is simply inherently confusing to live with.

that said, if you try to avoid that by learning about DID soley through medical accounts and websites, you will only ever hear about reported symptoms, the most extreme & notable case studies, patient observations, and generic criteria, leaving a Lot to fill in the gaps (when you try to deduce what it feels like to live with it / be in our brains), that leads to other kinds of inaccuracies.

(for my health i'm not even going to try to touch on hollywood and online influencers that sensationalise the condition for clicks and thus dominate the algorithm. but obviously they are a factor too. pop culture is a powerful thing.)

the internet is a mess! and while not everything that is misleading is untrue, it can be very easy to just, not quite get it, or misunderstand things fundamentally, in any number of ways.

so yeah, it makes me happy that between my life experience, therapy, and obnoxious amount of pages read, i can actually make what goes on somewhat digestible. i want to help contextualise medical criteria, pull out relevant snippets, and point people to some really good resources.

it's not to say i'm a spokesperson or expert. i am very much just a huge nerd who happens to suffer from a disorder and is very invested in understanding myself. but the positive feedback does reassure me that i haven't gotten anything heinously wrong.

ty again :)) yaayy

[kmp78]

"If someone else posts a picture from 2014 and says JL is the sexiest man alive....just who is this 2024 version?"

I will agree that the wild outfits and strange gimmicks don't do it for me (someone plleeeaaasse bring back the white skinny jeans and the black leather jacket) but I can't argue with them about the man still oozing sex when he wants to. I don't think he's had an unattractive age his whole life, and when you catch him doing something normal in normal clothing he's fucking hot for 52. Sellout aside. Personality aside. He's always had a beautiful face and a pretty damn good body (although his legs need a little more meat on them most days lol). You've got to give him that!

Hopefully, with Alessandro no longer at Gucci, we see less capes and florals and off the wall suits and sweaters. He certainly dressed himself better before he let someone else do it, and I have noticed a lot more just t-shirt looks lately. 🤞

He has certainly gone over the top and off the rails a bit, but he's always been crazy. We just forget some of the insanity from the earlier years. The sm is how anyone stays relevant anymore, and the same goes for these stupid TikTok-ers.

Personally, my biggest complaint is that he never plays instruments on stage anymore. I don't necessarily miss the angry cynical music, just him actually singing and playing instead of the audience singing with a background track 50% of every song. He was in his 20s and 30s writing the real angry stuff. Based on a childhood where he felt alone and misunderstood. For his own mental health, I'm glad twenty plus years later he's got something upbeat to sing about. It just means that his life is in a better place these days as the music is a giant reflection of him.

I don't wish ill on anyone, even if their mid-life crisis isn't my thing and they could use a personality adjustment...

I just want him to sing Lost These Days live on stage... 😭

Is that too much to ask really? 🤷🏼‍♀️

He can even wear a shower curtain and a tiara if it makes him feel better. 👍

[brbabcseu]

ive been taking up the dashboard lately so please!! has anything specific about jesse and aj or mer been on ur mind recently??

I feel like I spend so much time talking about Jesse and AJ so I'm gonna make this a certified Meriwa & AJ-centric post!

Mer is a good relative. Not necessarily a conventionally good PARENT, but you could also argue the same for Jesse. The situation w/ these three is so nuanced but that's besides the point lmao. She curses a lot and thinks her omelets are better than Jesse's. She also thinks it's not a crime to put cheese and bacon into a pancake, they can be savory too "if you open your tiny mind". She hates the PTA moms of Skagway. She's thinking of going back to school. She's so good at being Jesse's friend and so annoyed abt that. She proclaims she's straight edge but gets scolded by AJ for smoking cigarettes. She has a strained relationship with her youngest sister and a relationship she's greatly missing with her oldest sister, who died not long before AJ was born. She loves her little sister Amlliq (pronounced um-sh-k; most just call her Billie) despite their struggles, because family is family. That, family being family, is a little part of the reason she comes back AJ's freshman year of high school.

I've talked a bit about her return but I can't emphasize enough just how much of a catalyst it was for things to start falling like dominoes for AJ. Jesse very gently and very carefully makes him aware of her presence in town, and makes it very clear that he does NOT have to meet her, he has NO obligation to invite her into his life at this point, and whatever AJ needs of him, he'll be right there. AJ is just like ty I appreciate all of that, I don't really wanna meet her but I think I need to hear what she has to say anyway and then decide. He appreciates just how honest she is about why she gave him up, why she's here now, if it's just because it seems "easier" now that he's older. She's basically just like listen I was in my early 20's, I had a lot going on, I still gave your dad a choice, I didn't even know I was pregnant until I went into labor. And AJ's like um okay PAUSE on that last one lmaooo. At the end of it Mer is like "I wouldn't hold it against you if you told me to fuck off. Just figured I'd try reaching out and see if you're open to building some sort of... something."

He doesn't at first, but once things fall apart with Jesse he starts spending a lot of time around her-- in the grand scheme, knowing what he knows, she suddenly becomes the lesser of two evils lol. He does end up enjoying their time together, she's functionally a cool big sister at this early stage of their relationship.

She knows, by the way. Meriwa's known about Jesse for a good long while and it's the other reason she decides to come back. That part gnaws at her; she knows he'd been troubled, but not much more than that. Her continued inaction the longer she knew about this without checking on AJ led to a growing guilt, which kind of paralyzed her further into not checking in, and so the cycle went for several years. Mer's well aware she herself is not perfect, and she has a brain, so the nuance of the Heisenberg chronicles was not lost on her. And then actually meeting AJ, seeing how he turned out, how he and Jesse interact... it was very relieving. At the same time, she doesn't question or judge when AJ needs that space from Jesse to come to grips with everything.

I feel I've already piled on a LOT of information but I wanna touch briefly on their first mother-son trip that I've mentioned before as well!! Summer before sophomore year she bring him to Fairbanks to meet the rest of her family. He has a lot of cool aunts and uncles and cousins, there're two cousins in particular around his age and he really enjoys getting to know them. His family is so big now!! And frankly he needs it, sad as the reality of it is he needs that breathing room from Jesse; the two need time to repair separately before they can come back together. He feels great warmth at having more family to be a part of, but throughout the trip starts to feel dejected and a little jealous over how doting, affectionate, and playful an aunt Meriwa can be to her youngest nieces and nephews. The pendulum of AJ's grandfather clock of angst is never not in motion and it's just frequently swinging back and forth between these two forces in his life: one that used to represent stability but now belies unrest; and one that used to represent the opposite but now hold the promise of something more permanent, but that scares him!! And with his state of disillusionment he's convinced it'll all fall apart at any second.

One day I'll talk more abt the dynamic btwn Jesse, AJ's godmother Delilah, and Meriwa, but that's a whole can of worms loll and would also mean I need to actually Talk abt Delilah, bc I never do for some reason but she's SO important in the AJ Lore

Some lightning round fun facts to tie this up:

She's had a passing interest in journalism and so that's what she's thinking of majoring in when she goes back to school-- Jesse always says WHEN not IF bc he fully believes Mer can do it and she'll absolutely kill it

She's closest with her uncle and her mother :')

AJ and Mer bond over their love for Brand New Eyes by Paramore but disagree on whether Danger Days is MCR's best album

Her pancakes are stellar, both of the sweet and savory variety, but she'll only make chocolate chip pancakes for the former. She refuses to get cc pancakes from diners bc they never put it in the batter and you can't just slather it on top what's even the point--

Mer doesn't put a label on it but she's bisexual, and is definitely sure Jesse is too. She'll lean over to AJ sometimes and be like, "Does he know..?" and AJ's like "Not a clue"

Have a silly aj & mer doodle!!

[lunarreverb]

I just finished the new epilogue! I enjoyed it a lot! Long thoughts about videogame storytelling mechanics generally but also the epilogue too:

Honestly, what a treat. It is so difficult not to be charmed by this game over and over, and the love Larian keeps pouring into it. And while we could 'well actually' about how the original ending was rushed and how all of this stuff should have been in there from the jump or that we should actually also be getting all of the cut content and all of that - I mean, I wouldn't be UNHAPPY if they restored more cut stuff and kept giving us more and more and more - but I can't find it in me to be too upsetti spaghetti with anything we're 'missing' now, as of getting the epilogue, the way that something like the ending of Mass Effect 3 made me...upsetti spaghetti with meatballs. And maybe it's because BG3 landed on me in a different time in my life, or maybe it's because even though it's technically a sequel in a series, it didn't wind me up with anticipation the way the finale of a firmly stated trilogy did. In any case I guess right now I just feel content. BG3 has been a precious and joyful journey, little bugs, snags and all.

(Except with the way spawn Astarion gets treated when the sun lands on him at the docks, that's still so fucking rude, but being able to see him thriving in the epilogue soothes that hurt.)

But! the epilogue being set after a time skip also has me thinking about one of the other minor hangups I had about the main story of BG3, that I have largely been happy to forgive since I imagine the challenges of balancing storytelling and videogame mechanics are just, a LOT - but I sometimes felt pacing of things in BG3 was a bit unintuitive? Or unnatural? All of the adventures the party had and the amount of character growth I witnessed seemed miles out of sync with the number of days that I was manually toggling with long rests. This was especially true in my first, doomed playthrough, when I made the rookie mistake of rationing my Long Rests really hard, and I missed out on so so sooo many scenes and completely bungled starting the Astarion romance. It had literally just been a few ‘days’ that my party had known each other when I got to the tiefling party, after all, surely I wouldn’t need to lock in my romance with someone by this 'early game' event? Nevermind how may in-game hours it had been?

(That first playthrough attempt was a disaster for so many reasons, not least of all because I didn’t even find Astarion right away on my first attempt searching the beach. Complete dumpster fire. While I think I am grateful that I skipped EA so the whole story could be fresh to me, I still wonder if having a quick jog through the Act 1 map before committing to a 'real' playthrough would have spared my directionally-challenged ass a lot of grief.)

And I don't know how one would go about fixing this 'mismatch' necessarily, or even if it's even altogether important to get hung up on that. It's less of an issue in other games that invent little, blind gaps between events - non-open worlds, where your marker moves along a map between locations of interest and you may imagine to your liking the amount of time that has passed off-stage. Or, games where the day-night cycle occurs independently of your actions. I don't think the latter necessarily suits a game like BG3 where choice is king, but I wonder if there could have been more places to imply time passing 'between' regions, after events... I don't know! Maybe that's not right either. I'm just saying there's no way the owlbear cub should've grown all the way up in what must've been a few actual weeks? Maybe?

ANYWAY, tangent aside - the epilogue is precious, and my major point is that I appreciate that there's a timeskip in there. It really felt like the characters had some realistic space to grow and make personal progress and I'm so happy for all of them. Halsin's duck almost made me cry, guys, for real.

...um. Happy for everyone, except Gale. I really fucked up with Gale in my Tav run. Honestly, he is so fascinating because I simultaneously feel multiple ways about him, and he's been an entertaining challenge to figure out roleplaying around. I like him as a character on paper, and I want wholesome things for him, but this face is how my Tav feels about him even as a god:

"Fucking wizards, man."

Anyway, I still have to finish my run with my Gale-mancing Durge, so I can look forward to this interaction going better with a regular-flavor Gale when I get there. I was in honesty kinda running out of steam to finish my Durge run, but this new patch is kind of giving me a boost for it.

I'm ALMOST tempted even to do another run just with my old Tav again, maybe on a harder difficultly, for shits and giggles. Or an Origin character run. Or something else! Faerûn is my oyster!

[youmaycallmebrian]

look i really don't want to be a killjoy, I don't want to be the "boomer" who over-criticizes movies because they don't get anything and refuse to have fun... Like, I really want to enjoy this and join in on the fun but I can't lie, I was so so so disappointed with the FNAF movie. I wasn't expecting anything good because i'm used to video game movie adaptations being terrible. And yet, I was still let down. It was worse than what I even imagined. And I see everyone going crazy over the movie and saying it was so good and legendary and all and I'm just... what? Did we see the same movie? Am I insane? Am I missing something? Did I reach that annoying "adult" stage of life where everything seems dull?

I don't want to sound like an annoying movie elitist youtuber that sound like they think they have it all figured out and know better than everyone (u know the kind i'm talking about). I generally don't know jackshit about movies, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt. My opinion doesn't hold much value. I'm honestly just trying to make sense of what I saw with this long ass post lol. SPOILERS AHEAD, just in case it wasn't obvious. I'll try to be as fair and precise as possible in what I liked and disliked.

Here's what I liked: the animatronics design was awesome, they really looked like the ones in the first game. The whole pizzeria too. That was cool. The actors were great. I think they did the best with what they had. I don't have anything bad to say regarding the acting. Gods, seeing Matthew Lilliard with white hair made me feel old (he was like my first celebrity crush when i was a 5 year old child, in the scooby doo live action). And seeing Josh Hutcherson playing what I thought to be a dad but turns out to just be a big brother ALSO made me feel old (aren't we just used to him always being someone's son in all his dang movies???). Also seeing MatPat was cool. I also like how they explored the whole theme of "you don't need to be rich to be a good parent/guardian or to make your child happy" as we saw with Abby and Mike vs the aunt, and I also like how abby being more introverted and into drawing wasn't seen as a necessarily bad thing. I liked those themes.

Here's what I disliked: Okay first. That whole backstory with Mike and his little brother, the "dream theory" thing. Very cool, a very nice concept to explore in a movie. HOWEVER, what the heck was this doing in a fnaf movie? Like, was it just me? idk i just think it was way too much of a side-plot... I know it was related because it's implied then confirmed that Afton took the little brother. But like... I don't know. It just seemed so freaking random and out of place? Like what are the chances are that this is the guy who took your little brother and that you end up working for him? It's just not the vibe at all I was expecting for a game about being a security guard in a haunted pizzeria? I thought we were going to see and feel the atmosphere that the first game gives, like being stuck in that tiny little room, realizing slowly there's something wrong with the animatronics, the panic as you watch the camera footage, the survival instinct kicking in as you try to rationalize it... Instead, Mike just slept through all of it to "solve" a completely different side-plot. (again, yes I know it's not really a side-plot since it was directly related in a way, but it really did feel like such a random, far away thing) And then the "ghosts" of the children appearing in the dream as if it's like something they do all the time... Idk man. This whole thing just felt so weird and out of place.

2nd thing I disliked: Abby being involved. I love her character, don't get me wrong, she was adorable, i love her to death. But her role in the story felt so... plot-convenient? Like oh the new security guard just happens to have a little sister the same age as the children who went missing and can see ghosts and likes to draw and one day she sleeps in there bc the babysitter is unreachable.

Speaking of the babysitter... That whole thing where they pair up with the evil aunt to sabotage Mike's career... Again, this just felt so... random? I don't know what other words to use. It just felt like it came out of nowhere.

Another thing I disliked. How quickly Mike just. Accepted that there were animatronics moving on their own because they're haunted with the ghosts of murdered children. And how he just casually builds a fort with them and Abby and Vanessa. Like... bro??? What are you doing? Aren't you worried? Aren't you scared? Confused? Listen I know the animatronics are supposed to be like goofy and all since, at the core, they're literally just children. But like... Idk this is just... not the vibe at all I was expecting? It completely took me out, honestly, like it just broke the immersion for me. I mean, come on. I don't care how psychic you are, how open-minded you are, if you see huge-ass animatronics moving on their own, you will be terrified.

Other thing I disliked: Vanessa as a character in general. Nothing against the actress (It's Beck!!!!!). Just... why the fuck did she even show up there in the first place other than for snooping around? She had honestly no actual cop business there. And why did she spend so much time there, on her actual job hours? makes absolutely 0 sense to me. This seemed to be only fan service (in reference to vanessa/vanny). I honestly genuinely do not have valid reasons for this one other than I just really didn't like her character in general.

Also... Why is no one mentionning the smell of the animatronics? Or how they would probably have attracted maggots and dangerous parasites? There are decades old bodies decaying inside them ffs... I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure you'd notice something is off about the smell pretty quickly. Even when the people went in to trash the place, their bodies stayed in the pizzeria for a whole 2-3 days after that while Mike and Abby were there. It's enough time for the smell to start hitting. Yet no one noticed...

Speaking of the bodies. It was a PG 13 movie. why? 8+ at most would've sufficed. Also... was it a horror movie, a comedy, a drama, a thriller? All of these? Because it felt like none of these. Like, it felt like it was trying to be a horror or a comedy, but just didn't commit fully. Idk how to explain it properly, it felt like it was holding back, in a sense.

Also when they electrified the animatronics, ngl, it felt like I was watching a bugs bunny cartoon.

I feel like there was sooooo much of the lore being dropped in the film, but in very awkward ways? Like it was trying so hard to appeal to the fans with all the little details of lore but it GIRL the fnaf lore is crazy heavy and complicated there was just no way you could plug it all in just one film... and yeah, that really kinda broke the pace of the movie, in my opinion. It was all revealed all at once, so bluntly? People keep saying "if you like the games and the lore you will love this movie" and for me it's like... no?? Quite the opposite? The lore feels all crammed in there with no real purpose... it felt so weird.

Alright I'll stop here. I know movie adaptations can't always be truthful to the games, realistically speaking since it's not the same kind of media. I know that. Sometimes major changes are a good thing. Sometimes going a bit off the plot can be beneficial. It's just that, in this specific movie adaptation, it felt so... out of place? I really disliked the changes. Don't understand them. The entire thing feels so far away from the source material in a way where I just honestly cannot enjoy it.

But everyone seems to have loved the movie so clearly there's something i'm missing, and I am honestly genuinely very open to discuss it, if you liked the movie please tell me why and how. Because for now I am just flabbergasted at how much I just don't fucking get it...

[masschase]

I know it'd be spoilers but I don't mind so- what role Ben King will have in your fanfic if he has any if I may ask?

Thanks for the question!

Most of Ben's role in the fic is already done so to speak; it's already in my posted chapters.

So I'm going to phrase this as:

Major spoilers for chapters 1-19 of Out Of Time. Boss's name spoiler but again... that's kind of everywhere on here. One line from chapter 35 out of context.

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Ben is not a major character in my fanfic. I do focus on some aspects of his character. Because he lost his sister when she followed him into the gang life, he had a very similar outlook to romantic relationships as Casey now has of not wanting people to get hurt because of him. He didn't close himself off quite as much as she has; he did get into relationships and even fall in love but he always kept it a secret and this tended to lead to the end of these relationships.

Now I've talked about the age dynamic on the ship before but it's very key to Ben's character. By 2022 Casey, Pierce and Shaundi are in their early 30s, Matt, Asha and Kinzie are in various stages of their 20s, Johnny is early 40s but being Johnny Gat and being trapped in a simulation for 6 years he doesn't necessarily read that way. Ben is in his mid-60s by this point based on seeing him as a young adult in that 1970s photo with Julius. The only other person of around the same age is Keith. Ben therefore has a very keen sense of "I'm babysitting and I'm not even the one in charge.". He doesn't desperately want off the ship in the same way that Keith does. But I think he does miss Earth, and I think he does regret not settling down while he had the chance, hence why he suggested Shaundi do so in their homie conversation.

Ben is part of the team of 4 that goes back in time to save the Boss's life. As he was not in DC at the time, there is no risk of erasure from him accidentally coming into contact with his past self. When future Matt takes 2016 Boss to hide out at his apartment in Steelport and future Johnny and Asha have to jump back to 2022, future Ben is left with 2016 Shaundi, Pierce and Kinzie. They end up laying low in a hotel in Colombus for a few days.

Now we only really see the Boss's side of these few days. But I imagine this team up causes some clashes behind the scenes. You've got Kinzie who normally does a lot of the on-paper planning, Pierce who is Casey's official second in command, Shaundi who has only just found out Johnny's alive and therefore not had time to heal from it, and Benjamin who considers himself the most capable of leading. I can see some battles for dominance.

Some of my favourite Ben moments in my fic:

Running through the plan when Kinzie is too hungover to explain

Disagreeing with Matt about telling the Boss who they both suspect the future traitor is

One of my favourite parts involving Ben, informing the Boss about she and Matt's friendship in future but also showing he is still not over her rescuing Matt first:

It's clear he finds Casey a little immature, particularly her 2016 iteration, but also has some level of respect for her.

Unlike the 2006 era Saints, he doesn't know Casey's name because he always called her "son".

He almost runs into his future self after all, and has to jump back to 2022. But before he leaves he has this exchange with Casey:

Which sets up 2016-Casey's 3am phone call to him a couple of months later as mentioned in SRIV.

Although it was never really a viable option, King still wonders what would have happened if Casey had joined the Vice Kings, and Casey starts to wonder if she picked the wrong father figure in Julius.

This sets up the possibility of a more familial bond between them post-fanfic. And she has a line in the final chapter "I am Casey FUCKING Clark." which is obviously intended as a nod to Benjamin MF King.

Again, thanks for asking!

[alltheselights]

Hi Emma what were the highlight moments for you from yesterdays concert?

Oooh a fun question!

The intro. I don't know how long it actually was (I'm sure there are videos floating around) but the intro with the lights and the screens and the building music felt like it lasted a really long time and it seriously got me so pumped like....my stomach was in knots. I loved the Walls tour intro but this was next level. So good.

The Greatest as the opening song. I knew he was going to do it, but it exceeded my expectations. It really gets fans into the show and has everybody screaming.

Saved By A Stranger. Definitely didn't expect him to sing this one, but you could really hear his vocals for it (I think a lot of people weren't familiar with it, unfortunately, so most people weren't singing along, but the benefit of that is that it was very easy to hear him and not the screams of the crowd) and he sounded SO angelic. Videos don't do it justice.

The 505 cover. I swear, Louis chooses the best damn covers. I'm not even familiar with that song because I've never been an Arctic Monkeys fan, but as soon as it started, I was like, yup, this is another 7 or Beautiful War winner.....it sounds SO great with his voice and the atmosphere perfectly matched the concert.

The MegaMix. I'm SO happy that we got All This Time and I love that he mixed the two dancier songs together into one....it was amazing. Such a fun part of the show and a nice change of pace.

Saturdays. This was a personal highlight not just because I love that song and he sounded so amazing in it, but also because I was on the left section next to the stage so he was closest to me during that part. It's funny because the fast songs are SO fun, but the slower songs when he can show off his vocals are just as enthralling for me. It's a perfect balance.

Silver Tongues as a closer. I wasn't sure about this one when I saw the setlist because it's not one of the more epic, larger than life songs on the album - I envisioned it in the encore, but still pictured a more KMM-like ending song. However, I quickly realized when the beat kicks in why he chose it. It was so fucking fun to have us all screaming BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOIN' HOME at the end of a show because that's how we're all feeling.

It was really an amazing show. I must confess that I wasn't looking forward to it as much as I expected because I've been so disheartened by some of Louis and his team's choices in recent months and it's gotten really exhausting to be a fan. Once I was in it though, it was very easy to remember why I've stuck around so long.

I loved last year's show and had an amazing time, but I really do think that he took this tour to the next level. There are some songs that I miss and I don't necessarily love all the setlist choices (I think he could choose better 1D covers tbh), but overall, the show was just incredible and well worth the money. I have tickets to a show in July too and I'm not usually one to go to shows multiple times, but I'm so glad that I am for this tour. I realllllly want to see it again.

[raichett]

From Catacomb:

“Love me forever,” Scar whispers, selfishly, into the holy tomb’s dusty air. “As my people have loved you.”

The knife is waiting for him at the first light of dawn, and his death is already assured. He cannot ask for life, but he can ask for what comes after, right? He can ask for no more, no less, and nothing else. He can ask to be loved.

This has lived in my brain rent free for MONTHS-

Oh, a strong start, I see!

Okay, so, at this point in the fic, Scar has no certainty of anything beyond his death at sunrise. He's talking to a relief on a wall, to the stone image of the god he's going to die for. Xelqua hasn't started answering through echoes yet. He's somewhere in the denial and bargaining stage of grieving his own death - promising to love a stone carving if it loves you back isn't exactly the behaviour of someone who's in a stable emotional state, y'know?

But Scar also believes fully that 1. Xelqua is real (because gods are more Fact than Faith in-universe), and 2. that Xelqua can hear him somehow, especially considering he's in Xelqua's main shrine, the one they don't let any but proven acolytes and sacrifices even see. He's as close as he's going to get to Xelqua before his death.

I wanted to touch on how Scar both accepts his death but also how he is still distraught - a bit afraid - by it. He doesn't want to die. But he's going to anyway. And since this death protects literally hundreds of thousands for years, and previous deaths have protected Scar, he's not going to say it's unfair. It's not necessarily wanted, but it's not, in the wider scene, unfair. It simply is.

That doesn't mean he can't feel sad, that he can't want what he perhaps feels would be the most important thing to have if he can't have his own life: love, affection, acceptance, some certainty that his death will not be in vain and that he is not going to suffer after it. In some ways, considering how many have loved and died for Xelqua, he feels owed some amount of care, rather understandably.

In this vein, that's why I chose this phrase: "He can ask for no more, no less, and nothing else." This is a use of Rule of Three, a writing technique that uses three different things in a row to emphasise a point or emotion, because the human brain loves the number three. You'll see it around a fair bit in my works! Scar asks for love and feels that he can ask for nothing else - not less than love because he's owed care (that has also been promised to all sacrifices, but Scar is asking for a more personal touch than that), not more (which would be life), and nothing else (because Scar feels love is what he's going to miss most of life, so he'd rather that be what he asks for.)

There is an element of Scar wanting assurance, perhaps through being adored by a god, through the power that would implicitly give Scar, but love is an intrinsic human need. Even if it is a selfish ask, to want more than Xelqua promises their sacrifices (exalted in death eternally, to be held safely forever), well... Scar has never claimed to be anything less than a man, subject to human fears and human desires, ultimately powerless before a god and wanting reassurance that he won't be hurt.

He's... just a man, at the end. And I think that makes him interesting, because he captures Xelqua's attention by being unapologetically human, by not trying to be what he thinks Xelqua wants to see, but by essentially trying to bargain with Xelqua with nothing but his own heart - the metaphorical one, that is, that holds the most power.

The physical heart is already Xelqua's, and will help fuel the protections that Scar's country is sacrificing him for, but for Scar to offer up the full power enshrined in his heart (that cannot be received without it being willing given)... yeah. That captures Xelqua's attention, and that act has actual in-universe consequences, as seen in part three of Catacomb; Xelqua gains more power than they've had in centuries.

I think that some love stories tend towards trying to convey a selfless love, an idealised love, and there's nothing wrong with that in itself; all types of stories exist and should exist. But that doesn't fully encapsulate the realistic human experience, of love as a selfish thing, a ruining thing, a corruptive force - or else just messy and unclear and so very human.

Humans do not exist in the real world as ideals or as perfect people who only ever have the "right" emotions, or who only feel emotions in the "right" way. Gentleness in love as well as roughness can and do co-exist, and I like to explore that because it feels real, it feels like how people actually love, it feels like the characters are speaking to you because you can identify with their humanity and imperfections and how much they're trying better than you can with a sanitised and idealised and perfect romance. That's just my perception, anyway.

[transthadymacdermot]

sorry if youve ever talked abt this and I just missed it but do aoife and mary know each other/have a realtionship & if so whats it like

They're actually cousins! wall of text info about their families from my notes below the cut but essentially all you need to know is that Mary's (deceased) father Aidan was the brother of Aoife's (still living) father Francis and that the cousins did actually see quite a bit of one another as children, as one might expect, but Aoife is a few years younger than Mary + Mary ofc is amab and was forced to hang out with her boy cousins more so Mary and Aoife weren't specifically close. after Mary left home to work as a servant Aoife low key stopped thinking about her by herself at all lmao but she does vaguely dislike her purely because Mary's brother Art is, like, basically a cop*, and almost all of Mary's other brothers are in the British army, and Aoife subscribes to the theory that if one person in a family is bad everyone in it is equally guilty forever #womenswrongs. Mary thinks Aoife is misguided at best and a dangerous fanatic at worst but also feels bad for her because she thinks Aoife has been taken in by the wrong people who are just using her, although more than most other characters she recognises that many of Aoife's beliefs are actually really her own beliefs rather than just ~corruption~ from the men in her life and that Aoife is far cleverer than anyone gives her credit for. + Mary would never admit this but also she low key doesn't like any of her cousins because her uncle Francis still considers her dead abusive father who she was unironically glad to see killed a sound fella with a few demons and therefore fuck all his children also.

Aoife on the other hand, if she thinks of Mary, similarly thinks she's either misguided or stupid as hell. she kind of just doesn't say anything about the fact that Eoin is clearly in love with Mary because first of all obviously Mary's not interested atm and if Eoin made any of the radical life changes Mary wants him to make to get together (leave the gang, etc) Aoife would no longer be even remotely interested in him and would have bigger reasons to fuck off somewhere else than him, uh, breaking up with her. like she loves Eoin (and he loves her too. kinda. that's another post) and doesn't want Mary Stealing Her Man but also recognises that she'd definitely jump ship far before they got to that stage. that being said though, I cannot emphasise how much Mary is an NPC in Aoife's mind. atp Aoife has def forgotten that Mary ever even transitioned and just assumes that any memories of an older camab cousin from her childhood were Art and then gets so mad thinking about Art that she passes out

This is half finished so ignore that one of the descriptions cuts off halfway through and there's no fadas I'm going to fix it soon I prommy

*by which I don't necessarily mean that his job is exactly like that of a cop (although sometimes it's close) but more that his having joined the wholly protestant armagh yeomanry is like similar young catholic man joining the b-specials in the 60s levels of unhinged. everyone hates him and low key the entire rest of his family too for it both because he's joined the direct force of oppression against them (!!) and because one has to wonder what exactly he did to ingratiate himself with the other yeomen, who will have originally despised him. he's been attacked multiple times and mysterious sods of burning turf falling from the sky keep almost burning his house down but as of the start of my nanowrimo project he's still kicking 😒

[ocean-anchored]

Continued.... May 27, 24

I really didnt want him to leave. Before he left he apologized again for not making me feel like my family was important to spend time with etc & that he wants to make me happy & it is important to him. It was really special & i really appreciated what he said. Only about half hour when I was almost home he had called me again & said he missed me & just reitorated that he was sorry & wants me to know that I'm next to God, the most important in his life & wants to make sure I know that hes ready & when Im ready to talk about a wedding we can discuss more & make potential plans etc. Which was really reassuring. He also talked about his house & how he wanted me to feel like it was my home too & that if I wanted to do something or set something up somehow or had ideas for the yard/deck/basement etc that he wants me to be part of that plan & for us to do that together which was again really reassuring & want I wanted to hear. I really appreciated that a lot. Today is Monday the 27th, I have the day off which I didnt want to put too much pressure on myself so I've taken it pretty easy today. I just finished my first counseling appt with Paul Day & man he's good. Talked about everything I've been feeling & how I've been torn so back & forth with where to be in 3 months. It's really be weighing on me having to move in August & just so undecided on should we plan this wedding now or should we wait a year. One day Im ready to marry him the next Im scared & feel like it's too soon. It's been exhausting & really hard honestly but the talk really helped me understand the process & that it's ok to take time. That it's still important to see someone in a full year cycle of all seasons, really make sure we communicate expectations especially in those seasons & how he's making these efforts now is obviously really great character but in 20 years maybe won't be as willing etc. Really kinda made me feel like maybe it is the right choice to learn patience. That even when we pray & I'm asking God to confirm that he's the right one, doesn't necessarily mean that's the go ahead to get married in 3 months, that often we associate time with God & that's not Gods nature which is very true. That even if we don't get an answer or the answer is delayed, doesn't mean that it's a no & maybe God is wanting us to work on other things which I've felt a bit like I need to learn some more patience & continue to give up control in planning & knowing my future & leave it to God. So yeah i definitely want to see him more & continue counselling with him to unpack this which is great. As it sits, I feel like maybe waiting would be a good plan, even if it's Spring next year, doesn't have to mean until next August if I can break my lease, but I feel a bit more at peace with the idea of seeing how a year goes in all stages, obviously even being out there for winter & getting a feel for that, seeing him in his full down time & through all seasons will be important to go through. It will give less pressure on having to force things, plan a wedding & doing pre-martial counseling before too. So I think that's what I feel in my heart now, obviously allowing God to work & open those doors. I just hope I'm not spending an arm & a leg in renting.