#I don't know why I'm not crying I think I've simply lost the ability to at this point

[wigglepiggle]

my cousin's grandma just died. he's never had to deal with loss of someone this close to him. he doesn't know yet and I don't know how to help him when he finds out shit

[kyouka-supremacy]

I was reading the Akutagawa / Dazai interaction in chapter 9 again in order to answer to an ask, and seriously, I'm going to cry. That's the first time Akutagawa and Dazai meet alone since Dazai defected the pm and abandoned Akutagawa. Akutagawa went there down the dungeon to meet Dazai of his own volition. Like, can you imagine what he must have felt? Meeting the man that once held his reason to live in his hands, that disappeared without a trace four years ago. The one he feels enormously angry towards, and yet that he can't help but be endlessly devoted to, still, even after all those years. Just that very complex feeling of meeting someone you know has abandoned you, but that you just can't not love. Where Akutagawa himself doesn't even know why he's walking down the steps to meet him. Half of it, it's probably a sentiment of spite, a “look: even without you, I survived. Despite everything you did to me, I'm still my own. An abandoned dog was able to thrive even with no master.” The other half, a desire to be recognized and acknowledged; a feeling that has been suppressed for so long, Akutagawa wouldn't dare admit it's there still, and just as strong as it was four years ago. A “look at how far I've come” that is torn between wish of independence and desperate need for recognition. Maybe, Akutagawa secretly looked for an explanation on why Dazai abandoned him, I don't know. He doesn't know either. And he goes down, and he sees him, and Dazai completely ignores him. He sings, to himself, like no one else is there. And Akutagawa hits the wall at his side, close to his face. And Dazai keeps acting fully indifferent to his presence. Only then Akutagawa goes for his neck directly - doesn't hurt him, rather, simply pushes enough to demand acknowledgment -, and for the first time in four years Dazai speaks to Akutagwa directly and he tells him:

Oh, you were here? [I didn't notice you]

And GOD. GOD. I can't even???? Like that's the single most cruel thing Dazai could ever shoot at Akutagwa. My God. I'm surprised Akutagawa didn't fall down to his knees crying on the spot. And it's the same place where Dazai has hit Akutagawa at least once in the past. He must have felt so small. All of sudden, he must have felt 16 and weak and powerless all over again. Even though Dazai is the one chained. Even though Akutagawa is the one who gets to hit him, this time. And Dazai keeps mocking and insulting him, and he hurts Akutagawa, but Akutagawa doesn't retaliate, yet, because he's been suppressing his emotions for years now. And because, deep down, he agrees with Dazai's words of scorn. Akutagawa tells Dazai he will soon destroy everything that's precious to him, and in a way he wants that, he wants to take away everything that's important to Dazai so that he can feel as lost and abandoned as Akutagawa himself felt when he left; or because maybe only then, when nothing else is left, Dazai will finally notice his presence, that he's not invisible, that he can be capable of destruction beyond comprehension. Akutagawa acts detached, and distant, as indifferent and collected as Dazai is, forcing a feeling of independence he never truly mastered but that he wants to display nonetheless. And that's when Dazai tells him “Do you have it in you though? Because my new subordinate is far superior than you ever were.”; and that's when Akutagawa comes to his breaking point, and snaps, and hits Dazai in the face; not with his ability, but with his raw hands, feeling Dazai's flesh under his; the roles reversed, hitting Dazai like he did to him so many times in the past. Anyways I think Akutagawa should have one day of happiness in his life, actually

[multitrackdrifting]

I went to my younger cousin's wedding, and I didn't cry or anything but I was happy to see her living such a full and healthy life in the present. I saw all my cousins, plenty of my extended family and while I don't get on perfect with everyone my cousins and I are tight-knit. We don't catch up often but we've always gotten on well.

I think that this life has plenty of servings of bullshit on a plate but honestly, the moments you get to enjoy surrounded by people you care about make everything okay for a day.

I am not an extraverted person, though people think I am because I am exceptional at cosplaying a normal and outgoing guy. I try hard to dress well and groom my appearance and all that shit. Though, one dinner a month or one party is enough for me to feel burned out for quite a while. But as much as I feel tired and all that after the fact, I'm glad I saw all my cousins and even old friends I hadn't spoken to in ages. A lot of them are married or have kids and it's pretty funny to think how far we've come in life.

To people who don't know me that well, I was pretty depressed well into my early adulthood, I didn't think I'd live longer than 18, nor make 21, yet I'm so far removed from that inescapable dread, the spirals and all the other shit that I barely remember what it is like to feel that difficult feeling, like there's a crushing weight on my body, and it's genuinely hard to do anything.

I don't want to live some fairy tale of a life, I just want to live. I'm not struggling, I'm not even close to rock bottom. When I think about the potential life I could've had, I used to feel regret, shit, I felt bitter as hell about it for the longest time. The person I could've been, if not for x y or z - but while I recognize not all pain and experience is meaningful, they still constitute the sum of who I am today. Even if it was just filler and bullshit, the way things went, and the way I choose to walk forward, they make me who I am now. I took a detour, so what?

I have good friends, I look forward to waking up early each day and working on the things I care about. I have hobbies in writing & editing, I got a close circle of friends I hang out with from time to time in real life and I got plenty of good friends online. I don't know for sure what the future holds, and I guess it's scary to think about my life without being online as much (because timezones means that I will never be available to anyone in an American time zone) but I'm also recognizing that the period of my life where I was available all the time to do things was also the same period of time where it had no direction or stability - that I'm just used to it, it's not that I need it, necessarily.

In the future which I'm brushing with, I have to face the reality that I can't be there for people across the ocean and I don't say sentimental things because I am not a sentimental person but that doesn't mean I don't think these things. I'm not built for outward affection for people, it's a lot easier to do with things I like, than people I care about - it's not a lack of emotional intelligence or ability to express that, I'm just not like that because I just don't like doing that.

I was born across the ocean from a lot of people I love and I have no plan to move across it. The hardest thing for me isn't reconciling time lost, the life I could've had or the potential that was left unspent. I'm no longer an idealistic fourteen year old who made a blog because a girl simply asked him to (yes, that's why I've had one since 2010, well, I deleted for like 5 years, but I remade in '22).

I see the future ahead is unwritten, and to write what I want to, I have to sacrifice the comfort I derive from simply being there to do things with people. Part-time work is one thing, it gives you plenty of free time, but a lot of financial anxieties and most people wouldn't choose to just feel terrified about money all the time. I certainly have been there many times.

It scares me, it does. It's so fucking stupid. Of course, I am not the availability I have to other people, and I've always had something I was doing. With college, or work, but I've never had a career - one that was really going somewhere.

Even now, there's still time to breathe before I'm anchored to it. But it's what I want, yet I'm terrified of it. Of seeing my dream materialize, while the world I know actually changes even if it's for the better.

The world I understood, the one I lived, while biding my time until this point, it will fade to the back of my mind even if my feelings about these people don't.

I'll be honest no part of me really loves what I do for work, but it's stable and it's relatively harmless work. I'll never feel the same passion for my job that I do for my crafts and spending time with people I care about. But if one part of me has to suffer for the other to thrive, I'm ready to face that... kinda.

I'm still scared of the future, perhaps I'll be scared even when I'm old. It's my birthday soon, and I still love being alive. I still love the challenge of living and making the most of my new paths.

I've talked to all my close friends about it, but I don't think they understand it really. I commute to the city for work, so I'm out of the house by 7, and I'm home around 7 or 8. I'm just not available that much, and I only have about an hour of free time every day (since I have worked the exact schedule for a year before).

For most people, especially in NA timezones, they understand a couple hours difference being a thing, but for me, I do not have the option to be available or around to do anything and it's so trivial to care about but I do.

But as I agonize over that reality, I too realize that I build up leave - you know? I'll have money to travel. A lot. I'll just build up my leave, go on holidays and do rich people shit (I won't actually be rich, I'm just saying, I'll have more money than I'm making right now).

Maybe I can't cross the ocean and make it home, but I can still cross it. And though I cannot be the guy who rounds out the ranked grind, or the friend who can call with them all the time, I can still be their friend.

I've already worked like this for a year, and I'll be honest it genuinely, well and truly was lonely. In response, I started working more graveyard shift work, and that was not great but for different reasons. But if I really focus on what it can help me do, maybe I can find some middle ground where I know work will never make me feel happy, but I can still find a way to smile each day.

The future scares me, and it also feels kind of exciting.

It's funny. I feel like I've been in a haze for the longest time despite feeling relatively good. Perhaps I was trying not to think about the uncomfortable reality of living a normie life that is a lot more lonely.

I'm not going to agonize on the reality that I have to work to live, working is not that hard to me since the stuff I do I'm pretty good at it. It's the act of work itself being a relatively lonely experience.

Working part-time is okay, but full-time genuinely is gruelling in how lonely it feels. I'm an introverted guy and it makes even me feel lonely.

If I had to have only one wish, it would be to make enough doing anything else that I wouldn't have to worry anymore.

Any job I can just quit on a whim, but a career? No, that's not the kind of thing you just drop randomly. And my ADHD ass is terrified of that concept.

It's such a trivial thing to get worried about, but I'm not afraid to say that it bothers me. Every FT job I've ever had I've hated it. I'm not bad at this career path I chose, but hell, just... maybe this is the endgame of everything.

But maybe it isn't.

Maybe I work this job, I get certified, I quit my firm - I do something else.

Maybe I work harder creatively, and I get lucky.

And I do something else.

The future is still not set in stone,

so I guess I'll have to take it as it comes

before I can do something that actually makes me happy

and in the mean time I should just find peace in knowing that what I do helps me live a stable life

even if it kind of sucks to feel alone

But just think, that I'm here to have any fear to face is something remarkable in and of itself. I wasn't supposed to make it through the dark, and I did anyway.

I take pride in living, even if nobody can see its value, I'm glad I'm alive. I'd rather have boring problems than struggle to face forward, or look people in the eyes the way I did when I didn't think I deserved any joy or happiness at all. I'm glad I am alive.

[nyssabare]

Madi Cromwell Sawyer.

I've been waiting a real long time make a post like this, here's my family oc Madi! Her ability, promptly titled "Yee-haw!" Based on her appearance, allows her to throw a lasso that captures victims and drags them to her, stunning them and immediately triggering a grapple she will have a higher advantage in.

As for her story? To put it simply madi grew up in a damaged home that caused her to run away when she was 16, and she found herself on the Sawyer house thinking that it was just a normal place she could stay for the night, but she was so wrong. She was almost killed, but fell down a well where she met Johnny. Seeing her condition, he thought Madi would be an easy kill, but he saw how young she was, and decided to take her in.

Of course her story has more details, and if you would like more let me know! I'm writing voice transcripts for her just for fun, I hope you enjoy!

Interacting with family.

Sees Drayton:

-"Drayton! You've GOT to show me that chili recipie!"

-"use your big ass ears to find them already! Damn!"

-"I cleaned the kitchen real nice for you Dray! Just like you want it!"

-"God really did bless me with this family.. Old man. "

Sees Nancy:

-"Grandma! I'm so sorry gramma! This is all my fault... I-i should never have just stood around! (Crying) "

-"Oh grandma Johnny's hurting me again! I didn't even do anything this time!"

-"Nancy? Nancy! (Relieved groan) Please help me find these kids! I had one earlier.. Lost her though.."

-"Don't think I don't know what you did to my dad gramma. "

Sees Johnny:

-"You gon' hurt me again because of this? It ain't my fault!!"

-"Dad! You're the reason this all happened! Why is it on me?!?"

-"this is all about that Maria girl isn't it!! You have Lori!"

-"you're the one that scarred my face up! Now I match that grease rat over there!"

-"Dad I'm so sorry.... I failed you and everyone here.. (Sobbing)"

Sees Sissy:

-"I heard about you running off. What was that Manson family like?"

-"I don't need the light! Stop bothering me!"

-"quit fuckin singing! I'm trying to be useful!"

-"you're one crazy lady, lady."

Sees Nubbins:

-"thanks for that necklace. I still think your disgusting."

-"take a fuckin shower! You smell horrible!"

-"you're one shifty little son of a gun... "

-"Dad told me you hate me, and the feelings mutual! Fuck you!"

-"that birthmark sure makes you real ugly. And what's with the stutter?"

Sees Bubba:

-"Awww sugar, are you okay? Did your chainsaw get clogged again? Let me help.."

-"for being so scary lookin' you're really soft."

-"BUBBA!!! HIIIIIII!! GET THAT BITCH BOY!"

-"I'm scared I'm gonna mess up..(verge of tears)"

Sees Hands:

-"You big oaf! Move!"

-"You're what? My uncle? My cousin?"

-"take me to one of your drag races! I wanna see!!"

-"Why are you the only one who thought to destroy the objects that get turned on?"

Sees Lori (Girlfriends oc) :

-"Momma! How's your stitches healing?"

-"Oh mom... He won't stop hurting me!"

-"Mom I'm so sorry!! This is my fault.., I brought them here.. (Verge of tears) "

-"We are gonna force Johnny to wear makeup! I know it! "

-"If you see Danny or Leland, tell me! I'll help you get them boys.. "

-"I-I can't do this.. I can't! I'm not like my dad.. This isn't right..(violent sobbing)"

Bonus! Sees Dallas (Madis bf- victim.) :

-"y-you came to find me? No! You need to leave!"

-"NO! NOT YOU! NO NO NO NO..(sobbing)"

-"You need to get out of here. Youre gonna die!"

-"b-babe..?"

Match start intro:

-"they got out? Oh no.. No no no we didn't string them up right!!"

-"Johnny's gonna kill me.. Oh god.. "

-"all my friends..? They're here? Oh no.."

-"I can't kill my friends (sob) "

-"I'll make him proud.."

Feed grandpa:

-"I'm glad you liked me enough to let me stay.. "

-"oh grandpa.. I know I'm your favorite! You let me stay!"

-"drink up, old man. "

-"and here when I first saw you I thought you was a fossil. "

Idle:

-"I can't believe this.. "

-"at least it's easier now.."

-"I knew that girl.. Maria.. She was beautiful."

-"I'm so sorry... You all should never have gone looking for us!.."

-"Y'all are all gonna die a painful death now and it's your fault!!"

-"ugh! I told Johnny it wasn't smart to go fuckin with girls!!"

Enemy attacked:

-"Thisll be easier if you quit yer movin!"

-"I'm so sorry..(sob)"

-"COME HERE WOULD YA!!"

-"Take it!"

Enemy seen:

-"Oh my god.. (Victim name)? "

-"y'all come back now! Thisll be over soon."

-"Hiding won't get you anywhere!"

Enemy lost:

-"NO! You keep runnin!"

-"where did you go... "

-"I'm gonna find youuuu!!"

Encounter start:

-"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!"

-"Get your grimey hands off me (victim name)!!"

-"I'm gonna make ur death miserable!!"

-"ugly little bitch!!"

See blood trail:

-"there's blood over here!! "

-"DAAAAAAD COME HERE! THERE'S BLOOD!"

-"that's a lot of blood.. You're dead aintchya?"

Exit interaction:

-"Ain't nobody make it out alive!!!"

-"there we go! All better."

-"I'm gonna wrangle theese fucks up."

Sees victim escape

-"NO! NO NO NO NO YOU ROTTEN LITTLE SHIT!! I'LL FUCKING CHASE YOU DOWN THE DAMN STREET!! GET BACK HERE!!!"

-"nonononono Johnny's gonna kill me! Theyre all gonna kill me! I'm gonna die I'm gonna die... Fuck fuck fuck maybe I can still get them, yea!"

-"oh shit.. They got out.."

-"damnit. Damnit damnit damnit. THEY GOT LOOSE.. SOMEONE HELP ME GET THEM!!"

I know that ain't everything but I thought you guys would enjoy this! I will definitely post more about her if you guys want me to.

[gazingatmydoom]

i think i actually went through the five stages of grief just now finishing one shot. or. one sec

ok not all five but i definitely hit at least three, maybe four of them. counting. like. oneshot is a fucking amazing game but i'm also gonna talk about DEPRESSION AS WELL WHAMO

long vent post below the cut idm if u read it but it's super long lol so yeah

cos like. that was the most. mm. it was the most difficulty i've had making a descsion that i was involved in emotionally. ig the ending of oneshot was like pretty much 100% "how much do u care about this vs this" thing so like entirely emotionally charged but idk it had me yk. and i was sitting on the toilet taking a whizz as one does after condemning ur best friend catperson ever forever to an eternal life in a world they don't belong to. and i was thinking right, that's probably the saddest i've felt playing a game since i finished titanfall 2 in early 2020. estimating. might've been 2019 idk. and now i don't remember if i played any other particularly sad games between tf|2 and oneshot but i doubt i didn't and if i'm running on things i'm assuming about the depression i'm assuming i had (which i am) then memory loss was a big part of it. cos i god damned do not remember fuck shit ass from the past few years. and i was thinking hey MAYBE the reason i haven't been that sad about any game (in memory) is because i was simply too depressed to give a rats ass.

i mean there's one game ig which is hollow knight and i felt sad when i got the sealed siblings ending but. if i'm being honest alot of the strong emotions i had with that game felt very forced. that's one thing i can remember quite well actually and no i don't know why, but when i felt sad when i watched the siblings curl up and go back down to the bottom of the abyss, it felt like i was trying to push my heart down it didn't feel like it was sinking on it's own.

ok the more i'm talking about it the more i'm thinking i'm bullshitting but idk. idk! the idea that i had depression and quite possibly might still have it is takign over my mind everytime i react with alot of emotion to something. which is happening at an increased rate in the past few months, and has barely happened at all in the past three years.

it makes me think ig. like i got mad at niko and the author and the entity for making *me* make this decision, when in my opinion, it really should've been niko's to make. and i somehow thought niko was going to make it! i was so sure they would i was like ye ok niko ima break this to u and then i need u to sit and think about it and i need u to know i will support u no matter WHAT u choose it's ok and i love u. and then they're like "what should i do bestie?" AS IF THAT'S MY DECISION TO MAKE????? it caught me off guard yk and i didn't cry or scream or freak out but i'd be lying if i said it made me think and feel in ways that feel new or fresh, but not brand new just like ahh i forgot what this was like new. if i ever felt them at all.

i swear sometimes it does feel like the second i gained any ability to think somewhat for myself (which sounds stupid but trust me this was mid teens for me) i started spiralling. so idk yk. i lost where i was going with this uuuuhhhhhhhh. but who cares. this is a vent post(?) so it doesn't matter if i finish it. that word keeps coming up tho i don't wanna say it again. the depress. the deps. depths. dark souls. i keep thinking of it. it keeps coming back to me and bouncing around my head like "hey maybe *this* is why what ur feeling or thinking or doing rn feels super weird and alien to u" cos that feeling keeps coming back yk. i can feel it coming back less and less in past days tho and that's not to say i'm getting used to experiencing new things but it might be to say i'm sinking back down. not sure tho!

just added a read more link idk if it worked i've never used one before but it just struck me how long this post is now lmao and i don't wanna bother the two people who might see this.

but ye shit has been wild and by that i mean crazy and by that i mean i've begun feeling emotions again and it's been fucking me up to varying degrees! side not like dungeon meshi has made me cry everytime a new episode comes out i fucking like. like yes it's good but it's also me being passionate about something. the last thing i was passionate about i would say was hollow knight i used to cry all the time watching silksong trailers and listening to the bonebottom ost sample but i tell u when that was. that stopped happening around mid 2020. yo am i dating my depression rn. early to mid 2020 that must've been it that must've been the start. which makes sense cos i think that was also when i left college and therefore stopped going outside at all ever. i got a job about a year after but it was shit and i hated it and i cried at work so i quit. found a new one a month or so later and i'm still there today. they're good there and i like it. it's still the only reason i go out which i don't think is healthy but. it's something. i was invited out for activites earlier today and i said yes. that's another first in a long time that was the first yes i've given in fucking ages. i don't think i have anything to wear oh christ. i need to buy some clothes. god. ok getting into personal life more than personal feelings and that's not what i want to include on this blog. we talk about FEELINGS here not EVENTS.

but ye uh. ig to conclude depression (if i ever had it (i'm only saying that cos i was never officially diagnosed i'm like 99% sure it was there)) i forgot where this sentence was going. ig to conclude, depression. yeah. stay hydrated kids

[nagirambles]

Okay, so I wanna go on for a bit here.

In the Dragon cry sketches, we actually saw Mashima draw a suit as Capricorn's SD which was actually perfect for his taste and clothing choice. AND his own personality. But Mashima also drew another SD, which was most probably a Draco constellation dress, not sure. And I'm most definitely sure he merged the two designs to come up with the current one.

Personally, as a dress I love the design of the current one but as a SD of a spirit like Capricorn, it is awful and doesn't make sense at all. Like I agree that the dresses are to reflect the personalities and choices of the spirits themselves. Capricorn choosing a outfit like that doesn't sit right with me.

Ofc Leo's would be a gorgeous gown, Aries' would be a cute and soft and fluffy dress, Taurus' would be a sexy one(tho I'd have loved if Lucy got a jacket with the bikini top), Saguttarius' would be a beautiful green shooter-type(I actually love how the anime added extra black leggings), Virgo's would be a maid costume, the Aquarius one being bikini makes sense, Cancer's is the most amazing with Lucy having twin blades to counter the enemies(and I'd have loved to see Cancer wield big scissors instead of the small ones). AND then the Gemini and Scorpio designs are my most fav ones (as SDs). A badass hairtyle like Scorpio and a red scorpion tail to top it off. The Gemini one actually goes with their magic type since it's actually a lot like real magic, how they copy people and transform. So the magician-ish dress is perfect!

But did you see the AxS design, I hate it even more than the AxG one. The design makes even less sense than the recent one. It looks like a nonsensical costume that seems like can do heavy lifting but actually can't. Lucy has literally no use of those robot-ish parts of the mix. It was used as a way of adding some unwanted fanservice. And with the recent mix, I have lost hope of getting proper outfits. At this point I don't want any, literally any SD to merge with Aquarius. It'll inevitably ruin the dress.

The most modest ones like Scorpio's and Gemini's unique outfits turned into a sturdy bikini and the other one a glittering bikini made me give up hope. I don't even look at outfits now, only consider her achievements. I've talked about it many times how ridiculous it seems for Lucy to suddenly loose her clothes in a battle. I'm tired of it now.

But I've seen many people say, "Lucy did nothing except get naked" or "Laxus did all the work" or "she's JUST fanservice and no might" and I do think they're the vocal Lucy haters. But in general, people complaining about the dress mix aren't them. And I share the same feelings.

Oh dear, you are so right on all this. 

Capricorn’s SD is really sad to see. I begrudgingly admit it’s kinda cool as it is, not going to lie, love the glasses and the braids and the sexy mature cut on the dress, it manages to set itself apart from Loke’s despite both being off-shoudler dresses, but it just... why, Mashima? Why? Capricorn would never approve of this! Where is the super serious butler that respected Layla? Layla (and Anna, now that I think about it) are some of the most modestly-dressed women in the show, so I definitely believe Capricorn would want Lucy to dress like them simply because he knows she’ll look good in it. 

Yes! the base star dresses all look beautiful. I do think some of them could be better or more developed to the spirits (Cancer and Sagittarius are a bit strange because they don’t match the spirit appearances at all, but eh, that’s details), but as single designs, they are all wonderful for what they are, Capricorn aside. I love Aquarius’ the most because it’s a bikini, but it’s at least more functional and comfortable than panties and a bra. It’s a really good balance between fanservice and genuinely something I’d want to wear if I had the assets to pull it off. I love that some of them gave Lucy more combat abilities as well (Cancer, for example). I do kind of wish Loke’s was a bit more functional though, since his main thing is close combat. But it makes sense for him, so it’s fine. The concept of the dresses is just so fun. I could talk about them, both positively and negatively, forever. 

Oh dear I agree. AxS is awful. There was way too much robot against the stupid swimsuit and it just looked bad. But I at least appreciated the creativity, you know? Honestly, I feel we could have found a balance with a thinner tail or shorter glove/boots, Mashima just didn’t try too hard since it only showed for a panel or two. It needs to be reworked so badly. 

AxG was just a swimsuit. Just a swimsuit. They couldn’t even retain any of the magician/clown parts of Gemini, that seriously annoys me! And Aquarius’ contribution is even worse, does Mashima know that mermaid-cut dresses exist? MERMAID? Aquarius can be something other than a typical swimsuit, geez! And they can be ASYMMETRICAL and layered, too! It’s perfect for a Gemini fusion! 

I think it’d have been great if the fusions weren’t literally mixing them together, but the product of “what would both spirits give Lucy?” Honestly, I think among the spirits, Aquarius and Scorpio are totally the type to give you crap about your fashion sense. Aquarius is a very girly girl, and Scorpio is a rockstar! Choosing what to give Lucy as a fusion star dress would be like, a funny way to actually give these two depth in their relationship. Like, their first time ever having a disagreement. 

...I wish the spirits still got personality exploration... I’m sad now...

As for your final point-- you know what? You’re right. Haters gonna hate on that regard. Love to see Lucy finishing a battle on her own, and it’s sad that even after coming this far and going as far as using the spirits’ powers, her achievements are still credited to the damn guys around her. People who think that way are never going to change their minds, they’ve already decided what they think about it. 

[onewomancitadel]

Yang and mothering

I had this thought when I was sick and I'm sort of itching to post it, it's not really groundbreaking but:

I remember seeing the Is Tai a Bad Dad or a Good Dad debate, and it was relentlessly exhausting - like one of the most banal fandom discussions I've borne witness to over the years - and I think the Bad Dad/Good Dad debate is actually a really great learning example (in my opinion) of why flat interpretation, ignoring the storytelling implications of certain storytelling decisions, can sometimes be unhelpful.

Mostly, I want to focus instead on why Yang's put in a motherly role towards Ruby, and how that affects her relationship to both of her own mothers, Raven, the one who fled, and Summer, the one who died.

It's actually very straightforward - Yang experiences the burden of motherhood as well as the acute fear and responsibility, and she does so only as a child. This really addresses themes in the show of children inheriting the world and the world's problems, for one, a local, smaller level, and it also creates the ability for her to empathise with her own mothers (and deal with deep resentment). Her resentment towards Raven, as well as her own idealisation of Summer, both of which I expect to be recontextualised and challenged in the coming volumes.

Yang has the unique ability to call out her own mother in V5, as well as interrogate her own position in the story - or not, simply falling into line of following Ruby because Ruby knows best? - which is then toyed with in V8 when Ruby reveals the truth of what happened to Summer. Their conversation there honestly seems like a possibly warped mirror of the last conversation Summer and Raven ever had

which puts them back on equal footing as sisters, but equally, as Ruby is crying, it's clear that Yang can't fix Ruby's problem.

Of course, it's not wrong whether to debate if Tai's grief made him irresponsible or not, etc., but it is very tiresome because there's a reason he's characterised this way, and had his own experience with loss (especially in reaction to revisiting themes of Ozma's death). But also in this case, the failure is shouldered by Raven, Tai, Summer - the systemic failure of team STRQ is one that seems to crop up again repeatedly, and be redeemed by, teams R/WBY and JNPR.

There's also the sense that identity is lost with motherhood. Yang defines herself in relation to Ruby, what Ruby wants, where Ruby is going, that, ironically enough, her depression and trauma recovery in V4 is actually a very painful and clever beginning to her figuring out what she intends to do, with her own motives and her own problems - which I think will be revisited in the coming volume, especially when/if Raven returns.

I don't think Yang's reliance or responsibility towards Ruby is posited itself as negative, but I think like all things in the show, it has to be balanced in some way. Given the direction of Ruby's arc is the coming volume - where I think she may go to a dark place where Yang cannot follow - we'll see more of that.

So, to summarise this post, my attitude towards the Yang, Tai and Raven (and Summer) debate is that Tai's natural reaction to grief, and the cascade of errors that left Yang where she is, is read better if it's understood what the story is trying to demonstrate with children assuming responsibility. Tai is not a bad character - he has flaws - and I think the complicated relationships with parents in the series are very interesting. But I don't think it's so easy to call one parent a bad parent or a good parent - parenthood is complicated.

Which again, is why I don't think Raven's treated without sympathy, and that's why Yang's relationship to Ruby is very meaningful - it does demonstrate the burden of responsibility, especially in the face of Salem. I see Raven called a 'deadbeat mother' and I think that ignores both the fantastical backdrop of Remnant, as well as the complicated feelings that motherhood brings up.

So, all around I think there are more interesting things to consider if you wonder why certain things are being done, beyond whether a character is good or evil, or bad at parenting.

[flowerbloom-arts]

Well uh, thank you @boorishbint for leaving these lovely tags on my post, otherwise I wouldn't have spent, like, almost two hours striaght writing a 1134 word fic depicting an inner monologue by dear old Hodgkins himself and 12 minutes coloring one of my doodles from the original post. I deeply admire your work and I hope that this is atleast enjoyable to you in any sort of capacity.

Cw: death mention (please ask me to add more if needed)

And as I sat on the armchair, book in lap, I stare at it and wonder why this could've possibly happened. My own brother and the love of his life, deceased, with his son left to be in my care. I feel... I'm not quite sure how I feel. It's always been rather difficult for someone such as myself to simply understand my own thoughts, I don't exactly have the ability to articulate these things. I've turned to the tangible things in life when my own abstractions fail me, there seems to be a maze in the back of my throat that makes it difficult to speak more than a few words and I've been so used to my younger brother interpreting my intentions for me, it seemed remarkable how easy it came to him. Now he's gone, I'm left behind for good, with a mere 8 year old sleeping on the sofa next to me. It's almost baffling to me how fate could twist a situation like this and not make it obvious who or what it favours, all I know is, it's not in my favour. I had come to terms that I may never fall for anyone in my life unlike my brother who seemed to take chances with any woman he happened to fancy, it was almost a relief that he found his metaphorical princess after kissing so many frogs, like that one fairytale but backwards, but now it's been a decade since that muddler from across the sea came and had their hearts stolen by the other, and now they're simply... Gone, and I'm still wondering to myself on if there is going to be a funeral for them or not, my brother seemed to not have quite the roster of friendships and any relative of his wife is a complete and utter mystery to me, just like everything else about that Confounder. For someone who has an extremely chatty brother and attended his wedding you'd think I'd know more about that strange thing, but no, just like everything else it appears to be part of this grand yet cruel joke that had it's climax just a week ago and I discovered the punchline just about an hour ago.

What am I to do now? What am I to do with my nephew? I can't simply leave him to an orphanage, I hear they're rather cruel places, so I suppose the other option is taking care of him myself. It'd be too odd for someone unrelated to care for him when his uncle is literally right here, I've already been doing it for the past 5 days since I discovered him starving in an oversized american coffee tin for 2 days since spring cleaning was supposed to start, I might as well. There really isn't anything to lose if I do, is there? Only problem is that I don't exactly understand other people, children especially, and I've never been familiar with his species in the slightest. Muddlers are a very rare sight if they do in fact live anywhere near here and not just across the atlantic, I might need to do a bit of research before I understand anything about parenting or muddlers as a whole. I might also need to find a partner to help care for him, but that seems far too daunting for me, there are far too many factors to list...

I am in completely unfamiliar territory here, it's almost laughable how all these pieces culminated into a situation I could never even dream of being in, it's a nightmare scenario if I were to be honest. And thinking this, I realize now that I'm feeling... Uncertain. Scared. Hopeless perhaps- things I'm lead to believe comes with parenting, except the circumstances are simply much worse than what would've ever been described to me, so much worse. I have yet to think about what to tell this child when he wakes up for goodness' sake, what am I to tell him? I could keep my mouth shut but eventually he'll pester me with questions if my lack of response bothers him, I will admit he is his father's son from what I could tell of him. Telling him his parents died is far too harsh, does he even understand what death is? Am I going to have to explain what death is to an 8 year old child? He was crying over a button getting lost under a drawer, I can't imagine the devastation he'd feel for something like this! I myself am already devastated at this, I can't handle such a thing right now! And that only leaves lying to his face about it, a white lie, sure, but a lie nonetheless. I'm nowhere near creative enough for something like that, I'm so bad at acting it'd be a miracle if he were to believe me.

Think, Samuel, think! You're supposed to be the smart one, academically gifted, aspiring inventor, why in the bloody hell can't you think of anything good to say to a child? You were a child once, surely you should know how you'd feel if anything about this sort of situation was said to you! But you were a strange child in comparison to others- your nephew isn't a younger you, he's far more like his father, you should know something with that atleast! Or atleast- an approximation of what you should say! Why does this have to be so difficult!? Why did any of this have to transpire? This can't possibly be your fault in any way but why does it feel like it is? Why can't you be a normal creature and just know what to say? Why can't you be normal and feel things everyone else is able to feel? Why are you like this? Why is this happening? What is going to happen now? Part of me hopes I could just stay in this moment and avoid the inevitable confrontation with my nephew about the whereabouts of his parents but I know that simply isn't possible, it's going to happen, if not today then some other day...

Looking at him- the Muddler- my own nephew, sleeping peacefully and blissfully unaware of what is going on, it feels... Melancholic, for a lack of a better word that comes to mind. I look back down at my brother's book of poems, or anthology, 'the Ocean Orchestra', this was his one achievement outside of his personal ones such as marriage and having a child, and it's practically the only thing of his creation I bother to own... My mind still wanders back to what I should say to Muddler. And I whisper to myself, softly and sadly, salted with my own frustrations towards myself...

"What to tell him...?"

[miqojak]

Layers Upon Layers

one: outside layer

[Name:] "Jak." [Hair Style & colour:] "Black and orange. I wear it pulled back and braided." [Eye Color:] "Gold and jade green." [Height:]  "Fuck if I know exactly. Under five fulms." (4'9") [Style:] "Depends on the day. Maybe the hour. Leather and mini-skirts are always a good bet, though. Sometimes a nice suit, sometimes my bike gear, sometimes a little something more form-fitting, elegant and gilded - 'desert chic', I suppose." [Best Physical Feature:] "Definitely my ass...though my legs cut it close, on that one. What do you think?"

two: inner layer

[Fears:] "You ask that and actually expect people to tell you?" (Small/enclosed spaces with no readily available exit, levin, Garleans, people getting too close to her/seeing who she really is) [Guilty Pleasure:] "People feel guilty for what they like? Who's going to judge me, the sheep who can't come up with a single original thought of their own, and feel guilty if they do?" [Biggest Pet Peeve:]  "Biggest...that's tough, actually. Probably blithe optimism, or naivete. People too ignorant, or unwilling to ask questions and look deeper - or those simply unwilling to face hard truths. There can never be any growth if you aren't honest with yourself, after all. Unmotivated slackers. If you have no goals, why are you wasting this star's air?" [Ambition for the Future:] "To be feared and respected in equal measure. I've been pushed around for a long time, and now it's my turn."

three: thoughts

[First Thought When Waking Up:] "Probably...my to-do list for the day? That or wondering what the weather is like, and whether or not I'll be going on my usual morning run or be stuck working out indoors. That or 'Huh, they haven't killed us all yet.'" [What You Think About the Most:] "What my next step is in life - how I want to pursue that power I'm after without compromising who I am...and how the fuck I ended up with someone who actually cares about me in my life while distinctly trying to avoid that type of thing...and why he stuck around. I wonder about the 'why' a lot." [What You Think About Before Bed:] "Depends on the day, and what's happened, and if I'm headed there alone. If I'm not alone, it's probably something to the effect of 'I still can't believe he wants to be here/wants me to be here'. And whether or not I'm alone...there's always the nagging, ugly reminder that Garlemald's towers sit hunched in the sky, ready to end everything for everyone - predator and prey alike. It could be the last night for any of us." [Your Best Quality Is:] "My ass. But other than that...well, I'm honest, and my loyalty can't be bought. I'm not a good person, but I have my own...'code', in a sense, I guess."

four: what’s better

[Single or Group Dates?] "Group dates sound like a punishment. I can barely stand the slack-jawed idiots around me as it is. Though undoubtedly the punishment would be upon the others, considering who my date would be, and the fact that we'd probably spend the time verbally destroying the other couple." [To be Loved or to be Respected?] "Respected. Love without respect is horrifying. I've been there, I've suffered it, and I'm still recovering. But I still...don't know that I believe in love. At least not how most people do, I guess. Love makes people do stupid shit when they believe in it. Respect doesn't. Respect can stand alone, without needing love. Respect has to be earned. There's no claims of 'respect at first sight.' But like I said...love without respect is...ugly. Scary, even." [Beauty or Brains?] "Both, or no deal. Brains are essential, but I can't have a walking pile of dogshit on my arm, now can I?" [Cats or Dogs?] "Neither, I don't do pets - animals are food. But...I suppose I'd say dogs, though you'd probably incorrectly assume cats, based on the fact that I resemble one. But...there's been more 'canines' in my life in the last year or two than I care to recall."

four: do you…

[Lie?] "No. Not unless the situation is dire - my morals don't matter if my life is on the line. Survival comes first always." [Believe in Yourself?] "Much more than I used to. I've accomplished, and survived, more than most could even begin to imagine." [Believe in Love?]  "Not...really? Maybe? Though I'll admit that for all my vehement denial in the past, someone has made me re-examine my emotions in the last half a year or so. I don't think I believe in the sort of 'love' that the general public believes in. I had someone force his fairy tale romance down my throat and do me a lot of harm both physical and mental with those ideals, as he forced me to be someone I wasn't. If adhering to what society expects of love is all that someone cares about - hitting the expected gestures as told in fairy tales? That's about as real as a fever dream. I don't like the word 'love'. Not what it's come to be associated with, and what's expected of you along with it." [Want Someone?] "For the first time in my life...yes. Not that I don't 'have' him as much as I can claim such, but when he's not around, I find that I want him to be. So...yes?"

six: have you ever…

[Been on Stage?] "No? I mean, my organization does run a jazz club, and it's been various theaters before that, and I've...sat on the stage, basked in the spotlight of an empty theater? I prefer to be...less in the actual spotlight, however." [Done Drugs?] "I've only been clean and sober for...maybe a year now? So yeah. I've...done a lot of drugs." [Changed Yourself to Fit In Somewhere?] "I've been a con-artist to put food on the table, but I don't believe in changing who you are to 'fit in.' If you don't fit in...you don't fit in. You are who you are. Being anything else is a lie, and does you a disservice. It's also a pathetic cry for attention - for the other bleating sheep to accept you into their herd. I won't debase myself to 'fit in' with my lessers."

seven: favorite

[Favorite Color:] "Black, white, gold, and red. I don't have just one." [Favorite Food:] "Once more, I don't have just one. I like red meat, I like seafood, and I enjoy rolanberries quite a bit. Of late, I think my current favorite snack is takoyaki though - this fried dough ball with octopus inside...just thinking about it makes my mouth water." [Favorite Game:] "Breaking and entering."

eight: age

[When Your Next Birthday Will Be:] "No idea." [How Old Will You Be?] "No clue. I'm...twenty and four summers, roughly...give or take a couple." [Age You Lost Your Virginity:] "Care to lose yours to one of my knives, here?" [Does Age Matter?]  "Should it? I suppose I'd be a bit baffled to see an old geezer with a hot young thing, but even so...who cares? I haven't exactly had a lot of lovers, but I don't think I ever asked any of them their age. So long as people stay the fuck away from kids, it's a non-issue in my opinion."

nine: in a partner

[Best Personality:] "An unflinching realist who not only faces the truth, but deals it out themselves. Ambition, and the ability to be honest with themselves about who they are." [Best Eye Colour:]  "Who gives a shit? If I find them worthwhile, I'll like their eyes, I assure you." [Best Hair Colour:] "Who's out here checking people off a list because their hair is the wrong color? I mean, after some shit I went through, I might not want to ever see another red-head again, but realistically...who gives a single fuck? I think you're asking the wrong questions here. People often do - too busy dwelling on lust at first sight." [Best Thing to do With a Partner:] "Murder? Crime in general? ...Or a hot bath."

ten: finish the sentence

[I Love…] ...I just told you I don't do love. But...I do love the sun." [I Feel…] everything at once, or nothing at all, it seems." [I Hide…] who I am." [I Miss…] my family." [I Wish…] ...wishes are for simpletons. Actions achieve what you want." Thanks for the tag: @eligos-venator @placesyoucallhome @bek-sc @sundered-souls (I think I found you all who tagged me!)

I am late to this party! Tag yourselves if you want to do it, so I can read your stuff! I feel like most folks have done it, and I'm too brain-dead atm to root around in the bowels of Tumblr to see who hasn't, since I'm many days late! XD

[dreamsister81]

"If  you listen to the lyrics of Hallelujah closely, you  notice  it’s a  song  about  sex,  about  love,  about life on Earth. The hallelujah isn’t a tribute to a worshipped person, an idol or a god, but it’s the hallelujah of orgasm. It’s an ode to life and to love."-OOR, August, 1994

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Why did you cover a Leonard Cohen song?

Because I find myself in Hallelujah, not because of Cohen.-Knust interview, September 13, 1994

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“Any of the covers on the album are there because they mean a certain thing in my life that I love and I miss. One day I was house-sitting for a friend and she left her whiskey out and I got into it and hit this horrible sorrowful jag. I went to the gig-Sin-É, in fact-weeping like a fucking animal. The whole time. I sang ‘Hallelujah’ that night and I got through the show just on the edge of tears. I don’t know why. It just wells up inside you."-Hot Press, October 5, 1994

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And this version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah", does he know the John Cale version? "Well, actually, I'm playing John Cale's version, that's where I got it from, from that record "I'm Your Fan" that I listened to at a friend's house. I also know Leonard's original, but he doesn't sing every verse, the way John interprets it is so...simple."-Rock & Folk, October, 1994

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" 'Hallelujah' for example I learned in New York from John Cale after a year working at Sin-é on a day when I found myself crying like a baby and that song expressed exactly what I was feeling. A title like 'Hallelujah' makes one think of the church, of morality and instead there is a deep humanity inside, there is the idea of making love, losing love, being crucified. Leonard wrote ten verses for that song and I don't know why he didn't sing them all, I just chose the ones I felt were most mine. He has this extraordinary ability to grasp the fundamental element of a certain situation and to "steal" it, make it his own and build the text around it."-Rockerilla, October, 1994

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The artists you've covered so far are Van Morrison, Leonard Cohen, Alex Chilton, they're connected on a certain line. It's kind of cult people or like that. Do you select those songs consciously?

It doesn't matter who's song it is. I did it because each moment in my life matched the song so well. For example, Leonard's "Hallelujah." One day, I was intoxicated with so much sadness, I was totally wasted after drinking whiskey and practicing this song. Right after that, I went into the gig as I was, and I was screaming like an animal. I'm singing that song with those experiences in mind. I have to be myself before the song exists.-Rockin'on October 1994

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"Hallelujah, I was just housesitting for a friend, watching her cats while she was away and I got into her whiskey and got into her record collection and there was there was John Cale's version of Hallelujah on I'm Your Fan. And I'm not...there are Leonard Cohen enthusiasts...it's not because of Leonard that I did the song, it's simply because of the song and because of the verses. I'm just in there somewhere. I have no blood bound allegiance to Leonard, although i have an incredible admiration and real great love of his work you know? There's a difference between somebody who's a total Tom Waits freak and just somebody who just likes to listen to them, and you know, the Tom Waits freak will know everything: the demos, the back in the days when he used to sound like Billy Joel, blah, blah, blah...hear the European demos, well, he didn't used to, but back when he was a bit smoother. You know, just knows everything. And I don't know everything about Leonard Cohen, and I haven't read Beautiful Losers, and I haven't done that, but it was just a great song."-WBCN's "Nocturnal Emissions", October 23, 1994 in Boston, Massachusetts

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" 'Hallelujah' I didn't do it because it's by Leonard Cohen, but because I like the song. Based on that it was done for all the songs, including mine. The version that inspired me is a John Cale version with all ten verses, unlike the way it appears on Various Positions. The night I first proposed it at Sin-é was a special night, I had also been a bit of a jerk. You see, the word Hallelujah has its own definite sign, you connect it to the church. Instead, for me it is a word that celebrates something very human, it speaks of a deep connection between pain and the human condition. That word has nothing to do with being nailed to a cross: there's when you're hurting, but there's also when you're making love, when you're losing it."-Buscadero, November, 1994

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"The fact that I did Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah doesn't mean anything, Cohen is something you discover when you're discovering life, you don't get there when you're very young."-Rumore, November, 1994

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"Finally, Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah not for the meaning of religious purity that anyone can see, but for more earthly reasons: pain, sex, orgasm and the cruelty of everyday life. I believe in people, not in heaven. Without people God would not exist, he would not make sense."-Tutto, February, 1995

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I wanted to ask you about your version of "Hallelujah". I guess its based more on John Cale's version than Leonard Cohen's original?

Yeah. But I heard the one on (Cohen's album) Various Positions first. Then I was stuck in a room with that I'm Your Fan CD (a Cohen tribute album) and I listened to (Cale's version) and it was, again, very simple. Then I heard that version one time again in Tower Records, and I was just struck. There and then, I thought, "This is wonderful ."

But am I right in thinking you don't really rate your version, compared with Cale's?

Well, he's a man. Mine's too fast. I know the difference between myself in a totally empty situation-which is best, where anything can happen-and in a situation where something's expected. And I don't feel very good about that day, and the time I chose that song to be included on the record, it was between that version and another version that I really despised. All in all, there must 22 versions floating out there. It's just never the right time. It seems that the only right time is when I'm telling it to people. And I guarantee, I have mashed that version into the ground nightly on tour, just creamed it. And there's also a version on the master reel for "So Real" that, because I was so wiped out and exhausted after that day-we'd recorded "So Real" and I recorded one last "Hallelujah", and that was my best one-I just forgot about that "So Real", I was so tired. So it's just hanging around out there. C'est la vie. Part of making records is letting stuff go.-February 28, 1995 interview, published in Uncut, September, 2004

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 I tell him that Bono loves Grace and says that Buckley's cover of Cohen's Hallelujah is better than his own. (Buckley plays John Cale's slightly altered version of the song from the I'm Your Fan tribute album to Cohen.) Buckley slumps back in his chair, as he does when on the defensive, and curls his lip in a manner that accentuates his resemblance to Matt Dillon. "I don't think I did that right," he sighs, passing over the compliment without comment. "I hope Leonard doesn't hear it. The way I do it live is better. I did it all live in the studio, there's no overdubs at all, but I pop it in unexpectedly in the show and it works better. The way I did it sounded more like a child and sometimes I've sung it more like a man."-Mojo, March, 1995

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"It's a hymn to being alive. It's a hymn to love lost. To love. Even the pain of existence, which ties you to being human, should receive an amen-or a hallelujah."-Schwann Spectrum, Spring 1995

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"I found myself in that song and I performed it many times in solo shows. But I'd be neglecting something if I didn't say that I learned it from John Cale. John Cale was the one that brought it to recording first, on the tribute album I'm Your Fan and he used these lyrics, these verses, for the song that didn't appear on Various Positions, which was the first album that Hallelujah appeared upon. I was house-sitting for my friend Susan and she had some whiskey...I don't know, I just hit a big, really bad sorrow jag and put on the song, and it was so simple the way John sang it that the words went through me, and I learned the words that night, played it that night at my gig at Sin-e...I don't know, it just stayed with me ever since. I wasn't gonna put it on the album at first 'cause I didn't write it and it would be kinda cheesy but I thought better after a couple suggestions from a friend of mine, and I did. Unfortunately, I think people will ask for it until the day I'm grey and old and fat, which I don't like, so I'll have to write something better, and I will."-Sony promo interview

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"He has a unique talent for making everyday life poetic and surreal-the most difficult way to write. However, on Hallelujah, I much prefer the lyrics rewritten by John Cale for the I'm Your Fan compilation. It is this version that I have taken up, not Cohen's version."-Les Inrockuptibles, July, 1995

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"That's not a hallelujah of chasteness and piety," Buckley explains. "It's more menstrual. It has more to do with the hallelujah of orgasam, of pain, of joy, of flesh, of being tied to the earth. Not of invisible angels in heaven who may or may not come down to tell you how good or bad you are, or Santa Claus."-Sydney Morning Herald, August 25, 1995

[moonflower-31]

You Found Me - Gabriel x Reader

Warnings: Language? Somewhat? Oh and some self doubt, but not a lot. There is a looot of angst though. This is part of a two part oneshot. Hope you enjoy the feels.

Pairing: Gabriel x Reader

Character(s): Gabriel, Dean, Sam, Castiel

You were worried, to put it simply. Gabriel had told you three weeks ago he'd start to change. That he would take you out more. See you more in general. Not go off to Chuck knows where, doing who knows what.

You were worried. Yeah. That's the word. You were also pissed. Pissed he hadn't answered your prayers at all in those three weeks. Dean and Sam and Cas had all been through all the ways to try and bring him back, figure out what was going on, except to summon him. You had insisted that be the first thing they do, but Cas had intervened. He had said that if Gabriel was gone somewhere, that it was probably good reason. And that he would answer them in other ways.

But look where that got you?

"Look, kid, I know you miss your archangel douche of a boyfriend but-" Dean starts, looking up from the table he sat at in the main library. You rolled your eyes and looked up from your lore book on angels.

"But what? Dean? He might actually be in real danger! And you're sitting there--eating take out!" You exclaim, gesturing to his heart-attack-inducing food in front of him. Dean immediately gave you an offended glare and wrapped an arm around his food. You rolled your eyes again, and then put your eyes back to the book you were reading. No one would tell you the summoning for an archangel. And since the only archangel that would be able to be summoned would be Gabriel, you figured your chances of getting his ass back here were pretty good.

"Come on, let him live a little! I mean, I don't like the guy but every now and then, a guy has to have his alone time. Find himself. I did it. Sam's done it more than once." Dean reminds. You shake your head. Dean continues. "What I'm saying is maybe you should stop trying to summon him and let him come when he's ready. I'm sure he's fine, alright? He would have let you of all people know he was in danger if he was." Dean reminds again.

You grumble and slam the book in your hands closed. "You know what? I'm done. Done with you, and Sam, and Cas's petty excuses! It's like you don't even care!" You exclaim, and stomp out of the library.

You stomp off and slam the door to your room closed, locking it behind you as you collapse onto your bed, wishing and praying for Gabriel to return.

He hadn't returned in three weeks. Not even when you were in danger on hunts and you prayed to him. It made you question if he even loved you anymore. The thought of it made you sick. But it was possible.

You felt your chest heave and tears began to pour from your eyes as you sat back up and pulled the book from where you had dropped it beside the bed. You began wiping away your tears only for new ones to take their place. You opened the book and kept scouring the pages as a knock came to your door.  You immediately hid the book under your sheets and then stood up, and went to the door.

"Who is it?" You ask.

"Castiel. Dean said you were upset."

"Go away Cas. I'm fine. Just distraught over your damn older brother, nothing new." You grumbled, walking away from the door and sitting back on your bed.

A flutter of wings sounds and you look up, finding the trenchcoated angel standing at the foot of your bed. "Y/N... Gabriel will be okay. I promise." He says, looking at you with as sincere enough eyes as an angel can probably muster.

You let out a sad chuckle. "Really Cas? Same speech as last time? I just want him back... I don't want to lose him..." you say, hugging your arms for a moment as you fight the incoming tears. Castiel walks over and wraps his arms around you in a comforting hug, letting you wrap your own arms around him as he holds you. You're appreciative of the gesture as he lets you cry, and lays you down on the bed when you fall asleep. Your first real sleep in days.

~~~~

When you reawaken, it's later in the day, around midnight. You sigh and check your bed, seeing the book still there. You bring it out and start flipping through it, until you find it. And after a few quick translations, find out what you needed for summoning your absent boyfriend.

You write a quick note of the ingredients you needed, and then got up. You had some of the ingredients. But lacked two. You needed some herbs and some leaves that were hard to come by. So you needed to talk to someone.

"Yeah, those'll do. Thanks. I'll be down to pick them up in a few hours. Thanks." You say, hanging up on the friend who owed you a few favors. He had some of the ingredients that you needed. And all you needed now was to put it all together. And say the chant, of course.

You were walking out of your room, when Sam stopped you. You raise an eyebrow as the tall, moose-like man stood in your way.

"Uh...Sam? What are you doing?" You ask, a bag of essentials on your back.

Sam gives you a bitch face. "Really? You really don't think I didn't see you sneak that book into your room? I've read it. And it has what we've been telling you we shouldn't be doing. Wait it out. Alright? I promise, it's all gonna be okay-" Sam starts.

At this point, you were done of hearing that. After so many instances of Dean, Sam, Cas, hell, even Charlie saying it, you were done. Absolutely done. So you snapped.

You immediately shoved Sam out of the way as soon as his guard was down, pinning his sleeve to the wall with one of your knifes. Sam calls out to Dean to alert him of your escape, but you're too quick. You race up the stairs behind you and then you exit the bunker, racing down the road as adrenaline fills your veins.

You didn't dare take the Impala, knowing Dean would kill you if you did.  He rarely let Sam off the hook when he took it. So what's to say he wouldn't kill you?

You finally slowed down near a gas n' sip, and found an abandoned car. You went into the store for a moment, and picked out a few of Gabriel's favorite sweets. You took them to the counter and payed for them before going back outside, and hotwiring the abandoned car.

The adrenaline had finally left you after you'd been on the road for awhile. You'd left your phone at the Gas n' Sip, so you weren't able to be tracked. Damn Sam and Charlie's hacking abilities.

You finally pulled up to your buddy's place around 4 am, and parked in their driveway.

"Damn, Y/N, you look great for three years gone." Your old pal Brad said as he opened the door. He opened the door for you to come in soon after, drinking a beer.

You smile but shake your head. "I'm sorry, but this is an urgent hunt. I need those ingredients now." You say.  Brad chuckled.

"Really? You ain't gonna sit down and tell me how you've been with those... those uh.." Brad starts.

"Winchesters." You remind, nodding a bit. "Yeah uh... not now. I don't exactly have the time. But uh... I promise, ill come by soon. Okay?" You promise. Brad chuckled.

"I'm just messing with ya. I know you're busy. Just lemme know if I can help at all. Okay? Any time of night or day. I've got open ears." Brad says, smirking at you with a broken smile. You smiled and nodded.

Brad soon disappeared behind the door, and after five minutes returned with the herbs you needed.

"Take care now. Call me if you ever need anything else." He says as he sees you off. You nod, and wave back at him as you climb back into your stolen car and pull back onto the dark road.

It wasn't until 5 am that you found the place. It was old, it was rusty. It was perfect. You found an old table and set everything up. You used your lighter and lit up the ingredients, soon after uttering the chant.

"Rah ah gah ee oh es Vee nu nohno kee ah seh peh teh poh ah ma lah deh zod" you utter, and a bright light enters the room. You shield your eyes and wait a few moments before you hear him.

"Really? You're resulting to summoning me?" Gabriel grumbles, looking at you annoyedly. "Im busy, Sugar." He says.

You weren't listening. You were merely relieved that he was okay. You walk around the table, and then wrap your arms around him, almost too tightly.

Then he pushes you away.

"Sugar, please. I'm busy. Can't this wait?" Gabriel asks. You look up at him dejected.

"Busy? You're just 'busy'?" You ask, venom and hurt in your voice. Gabriel looks a bit hurt by your words, but doesn't react otherwise.

"You promise me that you'll spend more time with me, cuddle more, hang out more, watch more movies, but no. No you're 'busy'" you hiss, looking at Gabriel with tears in your eyes.

"Yeah, I am. I’m not gonna keep having this conversation right now. Like I said, I'm busy. I have somethings I need to do." He says, looking at you.

You furrow your eyebrows. You stomp forward and you grab his collar. "You know what would have been appreciated? Gabriel? If you would let me know you were okay! I've been worried about you this entire time! 'What if he's been kidnapped and he's being tortured? What if it's my fault?' Wow, but you're too busy!" You spat, shoving him back and turning away from him.

Gabriel sighed. "Y/N, please, okay? I couldn't get back to you. And besides, this isn't something you should be worried about. I don't understand why you were so worried-" he says. You nod your head as you turned back around. You were done.

"Why am I so worried? Gabriel I have lost so many people, so many. So yeah, im sorry that I just don't want to lose another. Especially not you. But no, you can't understand that, can you?" You growl back. Gabriel rolled his eyes and went to speak again.

"Don't twist my own words against me-" he starts. You shook your head and pointed in his face.

"No, no you need to listen. You, don't understand how hurt you've made me. How badly, I kept thinking about myself. Thinking that you just didn't love me anymore. So you know what? I'm done. I don't care of you still do, or still don't. I'm done." You snap, shoving him back as you toss the altar over.

Gabriel goes to speak again, panick filling his eyes. But you shake your head.

"No, Gabriel. You've done enough damage." You hiss. "Come find me when you understand how I felt." You say before you cut your hand and start drawing a sigil on the wall.

"Sugar, please, we can talk this out-" he starts, walking towards you just as you finish the sigil and hit against it with your hand, sending him back wherever you'd summoned him.

You felt tears re-emerge from your eyes as you walk out of the building and climb into your car. You turn it back on and start driving down the road, sniffling a bit as you decided that enough was enough. You stopped by another Gas n' Sip and walked up to the pay phone.

You dialed a number in after using the last of the money you'd brought. After a few rings, the line picked up.

"Hey Brad... mind if I cash in that favor?"

[cosmictulips]

Good time, it's very nice to know you exist 🍵🛶🏰🪔🍯🍯🍯 I'm 18, T, libra sun, leo moon, cap ris. if u could help, that'd be a big thank you

recently I've been feeling kinda shut off from any type of spirituality, universe, can't trust my own mind because i don't want to make things up and go with a lie, not imagination play - a terrible lie to oneself. so, i can only trust others. been asking for a clear sign that i wouldn't doubt for as long as i can remember, and nothing... am i tryna knock on the door that wasn't meant for me? then i don't understand anything. i feel left out of my own life. i try pulling out any advice, but then, my intuition may be just wishful thinking. nothing i ever do comes as i intend. I've let go of logic, of expectations, but it feels like a one way communication. can't remember dreams. locked out of everything and losing hope. i don't think it's a wall i made. i don't want to make up a voice in my head, it is my biggest fear, i want to actually hear one.

so, one question - why am i being unanswered?

pun unintended

thank you in advance, you're very kind.

have a wonderful weekend, and every weekend some good news

Hey Friend =) I truly hope other people see this ask too because I think your ask is very important.  so I hope you don’t mind that I kind of get personal with you.  Truth be told,  I’ve been feeling the exact same way recently.  it’s happened when I was first starting out with the Craft -as I like to call it -  and it happens from time to time.  even now.  these past two weeks have been a wreck for me and it really feels like I haven’t been heard by the universe.  No, not heard.  I’ve been heard.  but to me, it feels like I’ve been deemed unworthy.   

And especially with divination,  reading for myself has always been wrong.  which is why I no longer trust reading for myself.  and I don’t particularly trust it when people say they read for themselves. because too me, how do you know you’re not lying to yourself? I always, always tell people to be careful because the universe can and WILL tell you what you want to hear.  it’s hard approaching divination with a very unbiased, neutral head.  and it’s kind of why I’ve fought some people over their readings.  people only ever project to others and to the univeres what they want. so if I or you were to tell them otherwise, it’s wrong. 

So you’re right to take a step back if it doesn’t feel right to you.  and here’s where I’m going to start contradicting myself a little bit here.  You need to start trusting yourself.  fully, undoubtedly and ruthlessly.  trust yourself so much that people almost think you’re full of arrogance.  and that’s the key word, almost. Be open minded enough to new ideas and to change the way you think of things.  but always, always trust yourself to know what is best for you. Only YOU are going to know the best route to take for yourself. 

I started being answered when I started trusting the guidance that was coming in for me.  I started to notice the little signs at first.  Notice any repeating numbers?  colors?  any certain phrases you hear too often? read too often?  is there an animal or group of animals that tend to show up at odd places?  slowly start to take notice of these things.   Also,  truly dig deep into what you believe in.  if you want to get into spirituality,  ask yourself why. what is it that you believe that matches that.   I got into it because I felt so alone in a church and no one was listening.  and for awhile, I was thrown in circles the minute I opened myself up to the universe.  but instead of blocking it out,  I kept pushing.  I kept trying to see the pattern, and I kept trying to change it. 

and that could be what’s happening for you.  I know you said that you think it’s not a wall you built. but darling, it is.   I think it comes from a fear you’re not ready to recognize yet.   it could be the fear of the unknown, it could be a fear of failure,  but you’ve built a wall.  

Spirituality is made for everyone.   It’s okay to have blocks,  to doubt your abilities and be unsure of whether or not the universe actually hears you.  the universe brought you to me.  so obviously it hears you.  =) 

but you cannot hear it and I think that’s what needs to change.  

So let me give you some advice on what I do when I begin to feel these blocks. like I have been recently. 

1. I pray to my gods.  you don’t have to be into worshiping gods.  you can simply pray to the universe like I did and still do from time to time.  You’ll know it’s listening when you feel the warmth of the sun, and the gentle breeze of the wind.  perhaps you’ll see an animal or two ;) my sister is a good example of this, she sees dogs everywhere when she’s looking for a sign from the universe lol.  2. I turn to divination.  My readings for myself may not be true but it’s good practice.  I also turn to other forms to try to grow in those skills as well.  Runes, bindrunes, automatic writing,  etc there’s SO MANY divination techniques.  tarot may not be your thing but scrying might be.  look around and see what fits.

3. I play hertz music.  I find that music really helps me out lol.  hertz is juts frequency waves set to a certain wave length so parts of ... our... ... so like our energy can pick up on it.  there’s a better explanation for it but for me, it really helps lol  4. I keep pushing.  even when it feels like I’m not being answered, and sometimes you won’t be answered. that’s the thing.  the universe wants you to better yourself. and to grow.  and sometimes that means trusting yourself to know where to go because it won’t give you an answer.  be brave, and go forward. 

I’ll go more into what I want you to do, but let me pull out your cards first so you finally have a reading lolol.  

So for you I pulled the Lovers, Strength, The Sun and the Knight of Pentacles. with the Ace of Cups as the overall energy. 

so it’s really what I’ve been saying lol.  The knight of pentacles here is telling me to move slowly.  it’s okay that things don’t make sense to you right off the bat.  Patience is a virtue here.   Going into your craft, your practice,  it’s okay to question things.  spirituality is a lot different than most religions so coming from a different place and settling into a new one can be tough.  it requires a lot of change.  and that tends to scare some people.  Ya know?  we’re all so used to hearing different things -mostly bad-  about sprituality and how it’s all “fake”  but darling,  dipping your toes in and slowly breaking the surface is how everyone starts out.  Once you get comfortable with the idea and with your own intuition the fun will begin. 

Next you have the Lovers, Strength and the Sun.  This is telling me you need to let yourself love.  bring courage and strength into this.  It’s going to take you loving yourself,  being confident in yourself and going forth even if it seems fake.  does that make sense?  You might have a mental illness. I’ve got some strong anxiety that borders on paranoia.   Okay,  but in my heart of hearts I knew this was the call for me because I’ve seen too much shit to not believe spirituality wasn’t my path.  so I forced myself to be more confident in my abilities.  I forced myself to be open to the universe even if it felt like I was talking to a wall.  I forced myself to sit down and learn divination and kept a dream journal even if most nights there was nothing but darkness.

and you need to bring that to yourself.  if you are serious about this,  learn to open yourself to the universe.  In the beginning I had to lie to myself.  it’s just what it is.  but the more I connected to the universe,  and the more I began to trust my intuition,  the more the lying ceased to happen.  because suddenly it was true.  suddenly those signs told me I was on the right path.  and suddenly everything I was studying made sense.  given time it will make sense for you as well. 

People, including me,  are telling you what you already know.  You just don’t trust yourself to hold onto those words.  you don’t trust yourself enough to put that same love into you and out into the universe.  and maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt.  being vulnerable to the universe does mean that sometimes we go through rough patches.  we have to break old cycles for new ones to begin. but much like the Lovers,  once you make that choice to love and be loved,  you will shine. 

The ace of cups tells me there is something new coming for you.  but you have to choose to let it happen okay?  you have to stop thinking you’re not good enough and that you’re not being heard.  because you are... because you’re here talking to me ;)   the universe wouldn’t have sent you to me if that wasn’t the case.  and I think a part of you knows that. 

so here’s what I want you to do.  Take the first steps.  Start keeping a dream journal.  the only way we as humans can recall our dreams is if we’re actively thinking of them when we first wake up.  that means no media ;)  lay there and think about what you dreamed.  Like last night I had a dream I set the house on fire and was crying that I lost a textbook.  idk, it was weird lol.  dreams don’t have to make sense.   write them down.  keep a glass of water by your bed. for some reason it helps. 

If you’re gonna sit there and tell me but you’ve tried everything, try again ;) try it from a new perspective.  instead of going in all “this is going to fail”  think of it as “this has already worked once and I’m doing it again to better myself”  

let your confidence shine.  I had to lie to myself everyday until I finally believed I was a decent human being.  I still struggle with it but damn have I gotten noticed by more people who tell me that I literally shine like the sun.  people notice your changes.  some of us just won’t say it ;) that being said, be prepared to fight for your beliefs. 

Learn what your beliefs are. Learn to defend them.  because the universe does not take this journey lightly.  the minute you start to doubt that you’re ever made for this, is going to be the second it closes on you until you force yourself to try again.  much like how we’re both in this spot now ;) trust and KNOW that the universe wants what is best for you.  

Tap into your higher self and your shadow self.  work on what needs to be healed and what your higher self wants for you to do.  this could literally be anything from getting therapy, to doing art, to listening to music, to talking to people who have hurt you.  like it’s endless but it helps.  

Lastly,  understand that these things take time.  You have some major energy wanting to work with you.  you need to start trusting yourself more, and letting down that wall. you built it, you can destroy it.  

I don’t hear a voice telling me which way to go.  I get feelings.  very strong ones.  that I’ve had to learn are different from my anxiety.  In the beginning that meant I had to pretend to ignore the feeling to see what the reaction would be.  when something happened and I knew it was going to happen,  I knew what I had felt was my intuition. 

Learn to recognize what is your instinct and what is your intuition. my instinct is that my hands get a little shaky and I can’t stop moving around.  my intuition keeps me still.  it’s quick and alert.  for you it could be something different.  you might actually hear a voice.  

I’m willing to work with you if you want me to.  I’ve been in that exact same situation and form time to time I feel the same way.  it’s never about the destination, it’s always the journey.

You’ve got this.  You know you do.  break down the wall,  and come join us ;) I hope this helps sorry for the long.... long post lmao If you ever need anything, please reach out =) 

[staytiny-angel]

Safe Haven 4/?

Rating: E

Pairings: Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch, Eventually Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch/Seth Rollins, Jon Moxley/Renee Young, Sasha Banks/Bayley/Charlotte Flair, Mandy Rose/Trent Seven, Jordan Devlin/Millie McKenzie, Ruby Riott/Liv Morgan

Warnings for this Chapter: mentions of violence

Chapter Summary: Drew and Becky get to know their new mate better while meeting members of his unorthodox family, Plans are made to rescue Roman from Heyman's evil clutches.

Taglist:

@hitory--chan @sethsevolution @finnsauroraborealis @the-beastslayers-queen @pikapuff316 @writinglionqueen @writtingrose

"SETHIE!" Seth hadn't even made it back to town before being tackled by a overly hyperactive blonde girl.

"I missed you too Liv" Seth groaned, slightly out of breath.

"You're lucky I'm here and not Rubes, she's very mad at ya"

Seth grimaced at the thought of seeing his older sister.

"Hey! Redhead!" Liv yelled at Becky. "Is this too basic" she gestured at her hair.

"Um-"

"You're right, too boring" Liv pulled out a compact mirror and smiled at it, Becky and Drew staring in shock as her hair turned bubblegum pink.

"How?" Drew asked Seth.

"Liv's a chaos fairy. Hyper 24/7, pranks everybody. C'mon brat" Liv squealed and hopped onto his back..

"Hey Livvie, Mom conjured my clothes..would you mind?" Seth asked his sister's girlfriend

Drew and Becky watched curiously as the unremarkable clothes Seth's mother had put on him morphed into dark-grey skinny jeans and a blood-red t-shirt.

"Hair too?" the fairy asked

"Yes please."

Seth shook his head and a quarter of it immediately went blond "There ya go Sethie! You look like you again, only bigger!" Liv giggles, patting the wolf on the head.

"Thanks Livvy" Seth grinned. "You're still small though"

"I'm still bigger than Millie!" Liv managed to kick Seth in the hip. "Good luck apologizing to everyone. Trent's mad because you made Tyler cry!"

"Tyler always cries!"

"Okay true, but you also made Mandy upset!"

"How long have you been away from home?" Becky asks

"I haven't lived in Haven in 8 years. I lost contact with everyone 18 months ago." Seth explained

"Dude the only reason we didn't completely lose it was because we still felt you through the pack bond" Liv tells him "We knew you weren't dead but...it was hard, anyway so why are you with the newbies?" Liv asked as they made their way to the main house.

"They're my mates." Seth said simply.

"Oooooh, Sethie's got two mates!" Liv said excitedly. Becky looking at her with caution. "I need to see Sarah, you are making me coffee later!" Liv hugged him and skipped off, Becky and Drew watching her.

"I've only heard of chaos fairies, she was...unique" Becky said.

"I need to remind Ceasero she's not allowed any caffeine" Seth said shaking his head

The three mates walked along the path back to the town in silence after Liv left. None of them really knowing what to say.

"So you guys have had this town for a long time?" Becky finally broke the increasingly uncomfortable tension

"My grandparents founded Haven. Grandfather...used to run a circus and all of the acts were different beings. When he retired, everyone just settled here. Haven was these old fairgrounds and some of the woods surrounding it."

"A Circus?" Drew exclaimed

"Grandfather was a warlock, especially skilled in persuasion and he figured it would be a way for him and his friends to not only use their abilities for profit, but to not have to hide as much. Normies will ignore most Supe shit if they think its a trick"

"Absolutely true, they're dense as hell" Becky replied.

"So, you knew Finn?" Seth asked.

"Sort of, his name was Prince back then, always wondered what happened, not surprised that vampires had something to do with it...when they helped save you. I can't believe I just said that" Becky facepalmed, remembering what Mox and Stephanie had said.

Seth smiled and shook his head "I know Haven is an odd case. Weird even amongst the weird. I mean, I'm the Wolf/Warlock hybrid that claims a Lion, a Witch, a Vampire Queen and a Vampire thats the vessel for a literal demon king for parents. Weird is kinda my thing"

"Do you remember that night?" Becky asked. Seth looked down, toying with his amulet before sitting down.

"A little. I remember being in a car with my mommy and daddy" Seth said in a faraway voice "The was a big flash of light and loud noise, and then I was flying through the woods. I had bite marks on the back of my neck. Knowing now what I know about my bio parents, I think my Mom shifted and was carrying me through the woods by the scruff of my neck."

Becky hesitantly reached over and touched the top of Seth's bowed head. Drew looking on silently. It seemed like his spitfire was already growing attached to the younger man, while Drew himself was more hesitant. Seth lived...by Drew's upbringing, an unnatural life. Haven was a lot to get used to and he'd had Becky to himself for so long.

"Do you think it's possible that your mom changed you?" Drew asked. "To protect you?"

"Could be I don't know" Seth pulled his hair. "I don't like thinking about it"

"Hey brat" A girl said, materializing next to the three. She was holding a coffee cup and had red lowlights and was so pale, Drew thought she could be a vampire.

"Hey, Ruby." Seth said quietly, "Guys this is one of my sisters."

"Yo." The girl greeted them easily and handed her brother the Chicago Bears to-go mug "One Double Chocolate Cappuccino, courtesy of Cesaro. Figured you could use it, heard you haven't had coffee in a year or so."

"No espresso?" Seth groaned.

"You know he puts too much in" Ruby said, "Besides I want to be able to sleep tonight. Your howling was obnoxious" she turned to Drew and Becky. "If either of you hurt my little brother, I will rip out your eyes and shove them down your throats"

"Ruby."

"What it's true. We lost you once, brat. Never again" She replied with a smile

"Did anyone mention that Seth is the baby?" Ruby asked

"Millie is younger then me thank you very much" Seth said rolling his eyes and taking a sip of his drink

"Millie hasn't been missing for 18 months, and gone for 7 and a half years before that. So excuse us if we're all a bit concerned about all this" she says waving a hand at Drew and Becky.

"Excuse me, who's Millie?" Becky asked.

"My baby cousin" Seth replied fondly. "She's my Uncle Shawn's kid"

"She's a fire siren, sneezes out fire like crazy" Ruby added, drinking her coffee.

"She doesn't have much in the way of control yet. So she sets shit on fire a lot...luckily her mate is a water sprite. Jordan is really great st putting out flare-ups" Seth explains "Please don't threaten my mates. Honestly, I'm a hot mess. I doubt they even want to be with me anyway"

"Nonsense" Ruby waved her hand. "Mates are mates always. Do you think I would have gotten with Liv by choice?" Seth chuckled and blushed when Becky smiled at him. " Does anyone know about Ro?" He asked.

Ruby's face fell. "Mom is working on a tracking spell, since you don't remember exactly where Heyman's compound is located. Dad is making her rest before she casts it though so that won't be done until tomorrow, the good this is that Heyman can only do his enslaving curse during the full moon...so we have 6 days to find Ro."

"Fuck" Seth pulled at his hair. "None of this would have happened if I hadn't ran away"

"Stop it" Drew said, gently pulling Seth's hands down.

Drew had sat there quietly listening to the exchange between Seth and his sister, trying to learn more about the odd man the fates had bound him and his firecracker to. From what he'd gathered so far Seth was well-loved by his mismatched pack and had been sorely missed while on his journey of self-discovery.

"Don't beat yourself up. You couldn't have known any of this would happen" Drew says softly, still holding Seth's hands in his larger ones. Seth's brother had been right. Seth did look amazingly...like a slightly smaller version of himself, less so now that part of his hair was platinum blonde.

"He's my big brother" Seth whimpered. "He doesn't even know I'm not mad at him anymore, if Paul's spell works on him, he'll be gone for good" Drew unknowingly wiped away a tear that had trailed down Seth's face.

Becky wrapped her arms around Seth's waist "That isn't going to happen, sweetheart. We are going to get your brother back and Heyman will pay for everything he's done to both of you." She says fiercely. To which Seth nodded but said nothing.

"Forgive me for asking but are you his sister from the witch side or vampire side?" Drew asked Ruby.

"Stephanie and Hunter, can't be around Finn and Violet, my blood is toxic and Bálor hates me" Ruby answered

"I only have one sibling from Finn and Violet and that's Jordan. He's the last of Finn's pre vampiric bloodline. His parents died when he was a baby, and an old woman from his clan brought him to Haven shortly after" Seth tells them.

"Is this the same Jordan that's your cousin's mate?" Becky asked. "Yeah, thought my uncle was gonna kill him, then Finn was gonna kill him" Seth shook his head.

"Haven is completely integrated? " Drew asked, he and Becky hadn't realized just how many different species of Supernatural inhabited the small town.

"Unless they can't be around each other for a physiological reason, yep" Ruby answered "One of our cousins is a sun sprite, and she glows with actual sunlight. So she can't be around Finn and Violet."

"No one gets turned away unless you give our father a reason to" Seth said, "The pack is a family"

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Legacies 1x14, Let's Just Finish the Dance -- Review

Coming at you all with another Lega-Trash review. This week is 1x14, Let's Just Finish the Dance...and my sentiments exactly. This episode was so boring, I too wanted the dance known as this episode to just end. Please, let's just hurry up and finish this season.

You all know the drill, hopefully. Do I really need a disclaimer anymore? Lega-Trash is a trash show, I'm super critical of it. If you love Legacies, this is not the review for you, move along. There will be spoilers.

So welcome to the obligatory Miss Mystic Falls episode of Legacies. And in typical Lega-Trash fashion, they managed to make one of the most iconic events within the TVD show super bland and super dull. What happens in this episode? Well, the Salvatore School has to host this year's Miss Mystic Falls pageant and to no one's surprise, Hope wins. Also, Josie and Lizzie have a falling out which I've been waiting for all season, Hope and Landon have a falling out, Penelope spelled a bunch of pens to tell her everyone's secrets, Medusa makes an appearence and at the end of episode, Landon gets kidnapped by the evil government organization.

Yeah, this episode was just a sequence of events. It was super boring but as it turns out, there were a few scenes I didn't completely mind. Namely, all the Lizzie and Hope scenes. This might be the first relationship on this entire show that I legitimately believe. Seeing Lizzie and Hope bond together over their anger fueled magical tendencies was really nice to see. And the friendship is legitimately believable. And then it ends in these two making a pinky promise that they'll help each other get Josie and Landon back whom they've recently had falling outs with. Although, if Lizzie wants to help get Landon back with Hope, she's first going to have to rescue him from the evil government organization that kidnapped him.

Speaking of which, what a huge coincidence that apparently MG's mother also works for this shady government organization.

And can I just say that everyone in this school are idiots. So apparently around Christmas time, Penelope, I guess, gifted pens to everyone but really the pens were spelled so anything they wrote ended up in her own notebook so she knows all of the Salvatore inhabitants' secrets. Penelope, at best is The Mean Girl, and at worst, she's a psychopath. No one at all thought it was strange that Penelope of all people was giving away pens and they never once considered it was for nefarious purposes? Also, it's super convenient that apparently not a single person lost one of these pens and just used a regular pen to write down their secrets in their diary. I mean, I have like a dozen pens in my apartment at any given time because I'm ALWAYS losing them. It's also super convenient that everyone in this school has a diary. Of all the unbelievable and convenient things that have happened in this show so far, this is the worst. So Penelope knows all sorts of juicy details like that Hope is keeping secrets from Landon and that there's something called a merge that Alaric has been writing about. Penelope is actually leaving the school now but she gives the notebook to Josie and warns Josie about the merge. Caroline and Alaric really should have told the twins about the Gemini merge before. And this whole falling out Lizzie and Josie are currently in isn't going to help.

What is this falling out? Well, Josie has finally realized that Lizzie is very self-centered and rarely thinks about anyone but herself. This all started when Lizzie drops out of the pageant because Dana, the mean girl who died in I think the 3rd episode of this season, well her mother is one of the judges and Dana was notorious for her dislike of Lizzie so Lizzie realizes there's no way she could possibly win with Dana's mother on the judge's table. And can I just say real quick how incredibly weird it is that Dana's mother can talk so nonchalantly about her own daughter's death? I don't get the feeling that a whole lot of time has passed. At best, maybe six months and that's pushing it. You don't talk about your daughter's death as if your daughter is off traveling abroad or something. Like I said, it was weird. But then again, this show is really weird with death, in general. Even in this episode, Hope just kind of casually talks about her parents' deaths which really wasn't that long ago and in the previous episode, MG makes a speech to the school and makes this off-handed remark nonchalantly talking about the majority of the students who have nowhere to go for the spring holidays on account of their families being dead and it's really insensitive. These are adolescents and you're just nonchalantly bringing up their trauma in passing? But anyway, Lizzie decides that if she can't compete and she's so sure she was going to win, she's determined to make sure someone from the Salvatore school wins. She chooses Hope since Hope's an orphan and will have the sympathy vote. This understandably hurts Josie and it just kind of festers on from there. But I don't particularly understand Lizzie's logic in Hope being the winner because she's an orphan, though. Caroline went against an orphan as well and she won. But I suppose Lizzie is thinking her mother was amazing so that accounted for her victory. Which I would agree with Lizzie on that. Caroline was pretty amazing and she worked her ass off to get that crown. I suppose in a room of people who weren't necessarily training their entire lives for this moment, an orphan would be the best bet. But by the end of the episode, Josie realizes she wanted that crown and is angry at Lizzie for giving that opportunity to Hope instead, for giving Hope the dress that Klaus gave Caroline without any regard to Hope's feelings on the matter. But in Lizzie's defense, up until this point, Josie had never been vocal about the things she wanted (I'm not excusing Lizzie's behavior, just simply saying it's not as if Josie was ever being bullied into doing these things for Lizzie, she did do those things because she wanted to) and Lizzie didn't know the dress had come from Klaus and it's kind of understandable why she didn't. I think it would be pretty awkward for Caroline to tell her daughters that Hope's father was once obsessed with her but with that said, I have no idea why Josie knows and not Lizzie but whatever. It's probably just a plot contrivance to show why Lizzie is awful. But once Lizzie realizes the implications of that dress and Hope wearing a reminder of her father, she instantly feels terrible about it. And Hope conveniently finds out in the middle of the dance where the dress came from because her ex-vampire boyfriend can hear Josie and Lizzie's conversation, I also don't understand why Hope can't hear them though, she is a hybrid, I thought werewolves had that ability as well. But her ex tells her about the dress, she starts to freak out about it and as she's announced the winner, her magic is about to go on the fritz again so Lizzie, noticing the signs, immediately walks up to Hope and hugs her and tells her to cry it out because that's what she needs. A great moment for Lizzie and Hope by the way and I think this was the first time this show illicited genuine emotion from me that wasn't despair over how bad this show is.

Speaking of the dress, let's play Who Wore It Better. Let me know what you think. I think it looks better on Candice. I feel like her blond hair contrasted better with the blue and brought the blue in the dress out more. But Danielle also looks gorgeous in it, too, her hair just doesn't quite bring out the colors as well as Candice's did. Or maybe they used a slightly different color palette on Danielle's dress.

But anyway, ultimately, this episode was more of the same. Just very boring, no real structure to it. Once again, this show is hanging on the coattails of TVD success and it cannot stand on it's own. There were some nice scenes in it, thoughand we are at last getting some character progression. However, I'm not a huge fan that it's taken 14 episodes to get some character development. This episode gets a C+ from me.

[alj4890]

Chapter 17 Love and Other Things

The Royal Romance Fan Fiction (Liam x MC*Riley) (Maxwell x OC*Amanda) (Drake x Olivia) (Hana x Rashad)

These characters are from the amazing writers of Pixelberry's Choices stories: The Royal Romance and Red Carpet Diaries. The only character of my own is Duchess Amanda Bridgerton of House St Orella. 

Masterlist of The Other Friend TRR

Chapter 17 summary: The brothers Beaumont are throwing the last party the week before Liam becomes king. Liam and Amanda decide to arrive a day early to spend some quality time with the two that hold their hearts. Hana and Drake stay behind at Applewood.

Chapter 17

Liam was gazing out at the passing countryside. He glances over at his travel companion. He always enjoyed having Amanda with him on long trips. She was  content to sit in silence and never complained. This allowed him to dream and plan. He rather suspected that she was dreaming herself, if the expression on her face was any indication. All of his own thoughts were centered on one person, Riley.

It still amazed him how he had fallen in love. She was the one person he wanted to have by his side. She was intelligent, compassionate, and always ready to defend what she thought was right. She would be the perfect queen for Cordonia. He had no doubt about that. The press and the people adored her. They were only catching glimpses of her, but it was enough for everyone to see how truly wonderful she was.

He was going to have what he had only read about or seen in movies. Love had been such a foreign concept. Yet, here he was. Liam could hardly contain his excitement of declaring her his choice at the ball next week. How fortunate he was that Maxwell had brought her here for him! Liam knew he owed him everything. Maxwell had given Liam's heart a reason to beat.

Amanda sat beside Liam and was gazing out her own window. Her mind was thinking back to that date Maxwell had taken her on. All the little things he did, said, and showed had made her fall even more in love. She didn't think she could possibly fall any further. Knowing Maxwell, he would probably find a way to make it happen. She felt like it had been a dream when he said he wanted to be the one chosen to marry her. She couldn't wait to finish the last two dates with him. She was ready for forever.

Liam, hearing her sigh, turned towards her. "Penny for your thoughts?" Amanda smiled. "I'm just happy." Liam grinned. "This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain date would it?" Amanda playfully shoved him. "What about you? How are things going?"

"Amanda, I'm in love. Can you even fathom that? I, a man who was taught not to expect it, have fallen in love. Even better, I believe she feels the same. I want to do something special for her. It may sound silly, but you and Maxwell have inspired this idea. I want to take Riley on a date."

"Awww, Liam! I think it is a marvelous idea. How are you going to accomplish that?"

"Well, that's where you and Maxwell come in. Do you think you two could cook dinner for us? I'm not going to be able to take her out without security and all. I want it to be as normal as I can make it."

"Of course we will! She will love it, Liam. It is a very sweet gesture."

Liam colors slightly but smiles at her. "Thank you, Amanda. I can not wait to see her and ask her."

Amanda smiles back. She loved that he had found someone that made him so happy. "You know, you're living as Uncle Nicky always wished for you. He wanted us all to find love."

Liam's expression turned reminiscent. "He always encouraged me to trust my own judgement. He...said my heart was my best quality. I thought that was a bit strange. Yet, now I see why he used to tell me that."

Amanda reaches over and squeezes his hand. "He thought the world of you. When your brother abdicated, Uncle Nicky was both elated and worried. He believed you would be the king Cordonia would need. He worried though that the responsibility would cause you to neglect your heart. I know he’d have been happy and relieved to see you and Riley together."

Liam placed his other hand on Amanda's. "Thank you for that, my lady. I will do my utmost to guard against that happening. I think Lord Nicholas would have been rather pleased with you and Maxwell. I know whenever he saw you two dancing or laughing together, he looked thrilled. That's the best word I can think of."

They shared a smile and settled back in their seats, each getting lost in daydreams again.

Back at Applewood, Hana had finished packing and was missing her friends. She decided to see if she could find Drake somewhere. She went room to room, yet was unable to find him. On a whim, she decided to go to the conservatory.

She loved walking among the many flowers and plants, smelling the exotic fragrances. Like her music, gardening had been a way to escape from her lonely life. As soon as she began to walk between the many different blooms, she fell into her old habit of talking to the flowers.

"Well, don't you all look lovely today? That particular shade of pink is absolutely perfect. And how are you dear little ones? I hope no one has been ignoring you. You smell simply divine."

Rashad didn't know what to do. He had come into the conservatory to get some much needed peace. Some nobles were hard to stomach over long periods of forced proximity. Lady Hana was between him and the door. He didn't want her to feel embarrassed having been caught talking to plants. He found it rather endearing.

When she turned to look at some orchids, she saw him. "Oh! Lord Rashad! I did not see you there. You, you must think I am terribly silly."

"No! Not at all! I find it rather sweet and simply you."

Hana was surprised. "Simply me?"

Rashad looked embarassed. "I've noticed how gentle and kind you are to everyone. Seeing you are the same with flowers, well, it just seems you."

Hana blushed. "That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you for that." She gave him a shy smile.

Rashad smiled back and decided to take a risk. "Lady Hana, I was thinking of getting some air. Would you care to go for a walk with me?"

Hana's smile brightened, nearly stealing his breath away. "I would like that very much, my Lord." He held out his hand and felt as if an angel touched him when she placed her hand in his. Hand in hand, they walked outside.

Drake was in the stable. With Liam, Maxwell, and Amanda gone, he felt he finally had a chance to be by himself. He still couldn't believe he let it slip out about Olivia. Whiskey had betrayed him and on his birthday of all days!

He stood there brushing one of the horses. The repetive motion brought some grounded peace as he recalled being alone with Olivia.

That fateful night.

Drake had arrived in the ballroom before anyone else. It was easy to do when you didn't have to stuff yourself into uncomfortable formal wear. He had to give it to Olivia, the room looked impressive. He walked around, admiring it all when he heard a noise from a partially closed off area.

Being curious, he walked into the small room. It sounded like someone was fighting tears. In the semi-darkness he found her. "Olivia?"

She whirled around, her scarlett dress twinkling in the low light. "Of all the people, what are you doing here?" She sniffed and turned back around.

Drake rubbed the back of his neck. He had never been good with people crying. He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Um. There. There. It will be okay."

Olivia choked on a laugh, "Are you seriously trying to comfort me?" Drake shrugged with his hand still on her, the motion pulling her closer. He realized he was touching her skin. Her dress had those small straps that had always amazed him in their ability to hold up women's...well just hold things up.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"With you? No."

"Do you want me to go?"

"...I suppose you can stay."

"Okay."

"Why are you being nice to me?"

"Hell, Olivia. I don't know."

She laughed. He still had his hand on her shoulder. She seemed tense. He pulled her to him and turned her back to him. "What-oh that feels good," Olivia moaned.

Drake was gently massaging her shoulders. "You felt like you needed it." This may have been a bad idea. Olivia was as vocal with moans as she was with her opinions. He was starting to have some thoughts that should have never been had. Ever. About her. Her skin was heating up under his ministrations.

She leaned back letting the pressure grow more intense. She really smelled good. He found his nose gently skimming the side of her neck. He heard her breath change in tempo. His hands began to move down her back. She leaned even more so against him. He wrapped his arms around her waist. She turned her head and their lips engulfed each other. He held her pressed against him, letting his lips go where they wanted. Olivia encouraged every bit of it.

Just when he reached for the zipper of her dress, they heard the musicians come in and start tuning up. They froze and released each other. Olivia stood before him. "I should get out there and greet Liam as soon as he arrives."

Just hearing his best friend's name come out of her mouth after what happened caused him to lash out. "Give it up Olivia. Liam doesn't want you. He would never want someone like you." Her face paled. Then she straightened her shoulders, narrowed her eyes, and said, "We will see just how much he wants me." She shoved past him and went into the ballroom. He shouldn't have provoked her. In her wanting to prove to him how wrong he was, she kissed Liam on the dance floor. It was all his fault.

The horse moved in its stall bringing Drake back to his surroundings. At least he didn't have to worry about Olivia wanting him in any way, shape, or form. He just had to hide out until Liam was crowned. No need for awkward conversations. Definitley for the best.

Maxwell, Riley, and Bertrand were rushing about making sure everything was ready for the next evening's event. Bertrand was giving his eighty-third speech on the importance of the party. Riley and Maxwell were spared the last half by the doorbell ringing.

Bertrand answered the door and quickly bowed. "Prince Liam. Lady Amanda. Welcome." Riley and Maxwell broke out into delighted smiles. Bertrand cleared his throat. "Maxwell and I will make sure your rooms are ready." Amanda winked at Liam. "I'll come with you. I would like the chance to freshen up." She gave a quick hug to Riley and followed the brothers up the stairs.

Liam walked up to Riley. He gently took her hand and asked her for a date. "I'd love to! But, how-".

"It will be dinner here, if that is alright. It will be just the two of us."

Riley smiled at him. "Then I shall go get ready." She told him which room was her own and went upstairs.

Maxwell stood in Amanda's room while she quickly unpacked. "So, we're on KP duty tonight?"

"Yes, though I think I will do the cooking while you be the waiter. I don't think they are quite ready for an adventure in dining."

"I can live with that. So what are you making? Will there be enough for us? Ooohhh, what about dessert?"

Amanda smiled. "Liam wants pasta served. I think I will make that chocolate pie you all love."

"What! You only make that during holidays. I can't believe they get a 'make-my-butt-bigger' pie."

Amanda narrowed her eyes at him. "I never appreciated you and Drake naming my chocolate pie that. People give me the strangest looks when they hear it referred that way."

"It's not our fault that once you start eating it you can't stop."

Amanda shakes her head in exasperation. "Come on. Let's go set everything up."

"What about us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do we get to have a date tonight?"

"We could. We do need to get these in before the ball next week."

"Will you go out with me after our work is done?"

"Hmm. I will have to see how good of a server you are. I don't just date anyone I work with."

"How closely will we be working together?"

"Oh very close. I believe in a personal touch."

"I couldn't agree more. Nothing like a hands-on approach."

"Yes. Now let's go get those hands busy."

As she walked past him, he grabbed her and gave her a kiss. They grinned and made their way to the kitchen.

Back at Applewood, King Constantine was having a discussion with Bastien. "You are unaware of the reasons Sir Francis met with them twice?"

"I never found out, sir. I did not think to do so."

"And you said that Lady Amanda and Liam were alone together in the palace’s study?"

"Yes sir. Both evening and early morning before going to Lady Olivia's. They also left together earlier today for the Beaumont's. They were alone."

"That does sound promising. I was disappointed that she was not one of his suitors. I believe I need to meet with Sir Francis. Immediately."

@fullbeaumonty @darley1101 @katurrade @cocomaxley @mynameiskaylabella

[kynesrain]

i said i’ll send you this in the morning; i wonder if that’s another lie i’ve told myself.

it's two in the morning and i haven't heard from you beyond a few emojis. i've resigned myself to this, because what more can i do? i've lost my ability to sleep without you on the phone, lost the ability to relax when i can't hear your shifting and snoring and murmuring. so i sit in bed, i text you that my ringer is on, and i pray that you'll take the hint. i try to be okay with that.

and you do, an hour later; it's three in the morning now, and i'm talking to an old friend who says i can lay near her but not touch and i'm okay with that, because she's here and she's warm and i miss her, but she's not you. i try to be okay with that.

she tells me that even the teachers think you're a couple now.

this is cruelty, my dear; this is torture, and it's worse because you don't see the way you draw the blade across the hollowed out cavity of my chest. i will be okay with it, i tell myself, because he says he likes him, not you, but my gut tells me that's not true and so does the version of him who stays with me.

because it's obvious. i think you don't even realize, and that is what hurts most of all; he likes you and wants to be yours and you keep enabling him in a way that feels too intentional for me to overlook. i hate him, i know it's bad but you keep talking about him and friends don't talk about each other like that, friends don't ask for pretty pictures of each other's faces, and he doesn't think you're friends anymore and you've done nothing to tell him otherwise and my chest feels even more hollow now.

i consult the others.

most don't care, which is fair. the moth whispers reassurance as the crow scoffs and says that you'll be gone within the month, that you've found a new person to be yours and we were always going to be discarded once something new came along, don't you know?, and the queen chides him but whispers in her quiet disapproval when the time comes. the prince doesn't like the idea of it, but he says it is largely inconsequential: the twice-god once-mortal says i'm right but for the wrong reasons.

everyone else simply watch me with pitying eyes as my heart starts to hammer and my chest begins to echo with that familiar call of something deep and dark and intangible. i want to scream, i want to yell and thrash and demand to know why you're being so blind to this because at first, at first i could write this off as jealousy but this?

this isn't jealousy, this is the siren sitting atop a wooden pole on a warm, cloudy evening as the thunderclouds begin to roll in.

it's 3:40 in the morning and i can't sleep.

tell me i'm yours. tell me you're mine. tell me i won't become second place to him. tell me you'll tell him about me - have you told him? have you told him about me? - tell me that if he gets a say, if he gets to set his foot down and say that he's not alright with it, tell me that i'll get one, too.

tell me that we'll still get that house together, tell me you still love me. tell me that it'll still be you and i. please.

it's 3:45 in the morning and i think i'm already starting to die in your eyes. i feel like it's already started, and maybe i'm still just a scared kid curled up and crying because the person i love is loved by someone else. but it feels like i'm already fading, like i'm being placed up on some high unreachable shelf as you hold something newer and shinier and prettier in your hands, toying around with the idea of it while trying to convince me you're not.

he likes you. he likes you. disregard all the rest of this as the ramblings of a lovesick fool who can't keep down a meal for the thought of you with another, but know that i would bet my life on that. he likes you. you told me that if we ever tried polyamory, if i ever handed you the most wounded part of my soul and entrusted you with that, that it would be the both of us, like always - an adventure we would navigate together. tell me that's still true. please -

tell me that you still love me, even as the others coalesce around the two of you and giggle, even as the teachers make a note of it.

tell me you still love me and all my ugly, selfish, terrified wounds, or tell me now that you can't and spare me the heartbreak of having to watch you drift into someone else's arms.

tell me you see it. tell me you know he likes you and that you don't feel the same and that it's still going to be you and i, at least for now, please, let it just be you and i.

it’s four in the morning, and i try to be okay with that.