#I don’t even recognize myself in pictures from like all of 2023

[gggoldfinch]

sometimes I wonder how much better off I’d be if Sept2022-Jan2024 just. hadn’t happened lmfao

[boowhumps]

Whumptober 2023

Day 24

(@whumptober)

By - B.W

⚠TW⚠

~ Swearing

~ Mentions of Death

~ Mentions of Blood

~ Implied Suicide

~ Slightly Suggestive Themes (If You Squint)

~ Mentions of Possession

Enjoy!

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

Opening the front door proved to have been a draining task, but actually seeing the remnants of how Karyme spent her last days in Eris.. it hurt.

Kaiden sighs, shutting the door behind him. He looks out the window, seeing the light snow that covered the neighborhood.

He frowns. Karyme always loved to see the first snowfall.. even though she hated winter.

This was the first she missed.

Along with.. so.. many other things..

Kaiden still can't fathom that she actually.. intended to leave without saying anything to anyone, apart from Violet..

Speaking of Violet, that's why Kaiden was here, instead of by Karyme's bedside in the ICU.

Kaiden couldn't shake the dread of when Violet told him what her and Karyme spoke of..

How Karyme intended to.. end it all.. only to be attacked two days later as she was about to leave..

Kaiden shuts his eyes in a poor attempt to shut out the memories of when he found her..

He could still feel the blood.. her blood on him..

How she was still conscious enough to push him away..

How she cried out in a mix of agony and grief, hallucinating from the intense blood loss..

Kaiden couldn't forget.

Kaiden wouldn't ever forget.

He continues to step deeper into the house. He trails through not finding anything useful to either prove or disprove what Violet said.

Its not that Kaiden didn't believe her.. he wanted to pretend that his actions didn't drive Karyme far enough to try and take her own life..

Kaiden feels himself stop as he reaches a closed door.

Karyme's old room.

If there's any answers, it's in there.

Kaiden grasps the doorknob, seeing his hand tremble. He takes a deep breath and opens the door.

The room is tidy, unlike the rest of the house. The bed is made, papers and books are stacked neatly on the desk, and the closet is organized.

Kaiden's eyes travel over to the bed, where a plush rests. A gray cat, clearly one who's been loved for a long time. The eyes are mismatched buttons hazily sewn on, and the color is faded, but it's still in one piece.

Kaiden frowns. Karyme wouldn't have ever left something of that much value here..

He shifts his attention to the desk, where a familiar old book sits. Kaiden feels his heart speed up at the sight of it.

The Myths of Demonics and Celestials.

The book that tore him and Karyme apart.

He turns his head away, and his eyes finally land on the nightstand.

There's a framed picture of a man and a child. The man has dark hair and light eyes, and the girl looks a bit similar.

Kaiden can't help but smile at it. He recognizes Karyme as the little girl in the picture.

She's smiling big, showing a few missing teeth, and she holds the cat plush in her arms.

Kaiden sets the picture down and draws his attention to the letter sitting next to it.

It firstly read 'To whoever may find this,' but it's scratched out and replaced with, 'To Kaiden, an explanation.'

Kaiden slowly grabs the letter, opening the envelope.

He slowly begins to read it..

__

Hello, if you’re reading this, then I’m already gone.

I’m sorry this is all you’ll have left of me, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of Eris. This place is nothing but evil. I can’t spend another minute here.

Everyday is a battle within myself, or it’s a battle against what I thought was good.

People turning their backs on me when all I ever did was protect them. Fight for them.

It’s so hard living like that. But I didn’t have a choice. I have a title to hold up, no matter how weak I become. I’ll be there until I can’t hold it up anymore, and once I’ve been stripped of anything I ever had, I'll be discarded.

Well I say fuck that. I’m done. I won’t be used, or mistreated, all for the sake of people who don’t even care about me.

I never wanted to be your hero, you know. I wanted to be normal. I know what they say about me. I’ll always be the emotionless freak after all, no matter how much I cover it up. They’ll never see me as one of their own. They are not worth fighting for. All of you are not worth fighting for.

And don’t get me started on the “Traitor” bullshit. We all know there was never a traitor. You all went crazy, pointing fingers at everyone to settle the paranoia in your heads.

It’s not surprising that it all came down to this. I was the hero, the one who was a mystery, the one who was dismissed when I tried to warn others of danger. “It’s all in your head.” You would say.. and look at what happened. Leony was attacked.. Kairo was killed.. And I was tormented. All because of you and your goddamn "Hero" bullshit.

There was no one to be untrusting of. Not me, not anyone, and you all know it.

And you Kaiden.. How could I forget about you? You gave me purpose. You gave me reason. You were the main thing I swore to protect. Everything I did was for you. You were the one I thought of first.

When I got ahold of that book.. I was petrified. My first thought was what I would do to ensure your safety.

I was determined to keep you safe. I went to you with my concerns for your life, and what did you do?

You dismissed me.

Out of everyone, I thought at least you would have my back, but you’re just like everyone else. You’re just like Krystal.. just like Jay.. just like Destiny..you’re exactly like them all.

And guess what you all have in fucking common?

You all are against me.

My trust in you died that day. You were the love of my life.. And then you changed.

You became angry.. annoyed.. hateful..

I don’t recognize you anymore. You took everything out on me. Yet, you never laid a hand on me. Sometimes I wish you did, then it would’ve been easier to leave..

I never knew how someone who I once loved so much became one of the people I ached for the most. Even after I left, I yearned for you.

Your touch.. your lips on me.. Your hands on my body.. I miss it. I want you back. The old you.

You never called. Never texted. It was as if I was never anything to you. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have let me go so easily..

And even after all that, a small part of me still loves you. I would still protect you from harm, even if you don’t care about me anymore. In a way, I get it. You got tired of me. Everyone eventually does.

You don’t know how much you hurt me, or maybe you do and just don’t care. I like to think that the old you is still there somewhere, but it’s just false hope.

And now.. for the first time, I’m putting myself first. I need out. I won’t make it anywhere here. I’m leaving, and going to a better place.

Don’t bother looking for me. I’m not coming home. It’s time for this to end, once and for all. Even when I’m long gone, the world will continue to spin, days will pass, and soon you will realize that this is for the better.

I have no purpose here, not anymore.

And as I leave this cursed place to die, Karyme Estelle Sain-Santos will die along with it. Goodbye.

__

Kaiden grasps the note tightly. Everything clicks. How he doesn't remember the week things ended between them.. the headaches.. the nausea..

Possession.

That's what happened to him..

Someone was.. trying to get him away from Karyme..

..so they could strike.

Karyme's attack wasn't self-inflicted.. nor an accident.

Someone did that.. and they sure as hell meant to..

..a demon..

Only they can possess..

..but why would a demon go after Karyme..?

Kaiden tales a deep breath, trying to clear his head.

His arm falls to side, and the envelope drops something.

Kaiden immediately looks down, spotting a glint among the carpet.

He kneels down and grabs the necklace, lifting it up to inspect it..

It's a crystal shaped like a star, hanging off a silver chain..

Karyme's necklace..

The one she would never go anywhere without.

Kaiden sighs. Karyme had always said it was like a good luck charm.. it had saved her from so much..

Kaiden clutches the necklace, pushing it into his pocket for safe keeping.

He could bring it to Karyme's room.. it could help her..

Before leaving, he grabs the cat plush plus the book, stuffing both into his bag.

He steps out of the room, closing the door behind him, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

He hadn't gotten much sleep this week..

But Kaiden didn't have time for things like that.

He had a lot of research to do..

For his sake..

..and for Karyme's.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

[bucketofpurpleicecubes]

Today is the day of my sister's wedding.

3 weeks ago, she reached out and informed me that due to her personal religious convictions, my name card at the reception would use my dead name. I was on a camping trip when I got the news, and I left the group to take a walk. By the time I got back, I had finished processing. I knew that I was leaving my birth family behind, starting today.

While I am justifiably angry at her decision, it is the culmination of a year's worth of decisions from my family. Since I came out on September 3rd, 2023, they have not asked a single question about my journey. I've watched their faces as they rearrange sentences to avoid using my name at all. They've told me to dress as a man for family holidays. I've been uninvited from family events so I didn't embarrass my younger brother with my existence.

I'm done. I'm tired of being the child whose existence is only recognized under protest. The freak who is whispered about after I leave the room. The next time anyone in my family speaks to me, they are starting the conversation "Hello Alice", or I'm leaving. If they won't respect me of their own volition, they will respect me because I make them.

My sister's wedding ceremony begins at 4:00 p.m. this afternoon. During this time, I will be having lunch with my found family, reveling in unconditional love. Meanwhile, my sister will be thinking about the message that will be delivered to her while she's getting ready:

"Maybe you’ve guessed by now, maybe you haven’t. I won’t be attending your wedding today, given that there is no seat for me. You can tell me you’ve made a name card, but --------- does not exist. In 11 days, the State of -------- will recognize this legally, but that shouldn’t be necessary for you to recognize it too. My name is Alice ------- -------. It will remain so for the rest of my life, and your choice not to accept that is a choice to hurt me.

I am happy. For the first time in my life, I can look at myself in the mirror and smile at the person I see. When you choose your personal beliefs over respecting who I am, you are telling me implicitly that you care more for those beliefs than for your own sister. I deserve better than that. I don’t want to hear about your “love and respect” for me when your actions prove that your love and respect mean nothing in practice.

You cannot claim to respect me, and then tell me to my face that you will not respect my decision to change my name.

You cannot claim to respect me when you sat down across the table from me last year and told me that you would never accept me for who I was, or that there was some limit to the changes I was making that you would be okay with, based on how reversible they were.

You cannot claim to respect me when I know that if you looked back on wedding pictures with me in them, you wouldn’t see your three sisters. You’d only see -----, ------, and your Faggot Brother.

On a day dedicated to your love, I hope you take the time to reflect on what that word really means. Demonstrating the cruelty in your heart and then finishing the text claiming that you love me does not seem like a very good sign that you really understand it yet. Love is an action and a decision, not just a word that you throw around as a shield to hide from your hateful choices. When you stand at the altar today, I hope that you understand what love truly looks like, if for no other reason than that --------- deserves better than the “love” you have chosen to show me.

Every single person in my life has been so wonderful and welcoming, aside from my own family. I have spent the last year giving you all the chance to come around. To ask me how it’s going. To use my name even one time. Through all that time, you and most of the rest of the family have failed me.

I want to be crystal clear: I am happier now than I was last year. I have an enormous chosen family that loves me and accepts me, and lifts me up just as I am. I have learned what love and respect really looks like from them. I would rather spend today having lunch with them than being anywhere near the wedding of a person who neither loves, nor respects me for the person I am."

[oncloudmorelli]

Sunday May 7th 2023

Nashville, TN

Aurora and Declan had just gotten home from a week in Dubai for Aurora’s birthday with all of their closest friends and family. After arriving back home the two were excited to be back in the comfort of their own home with their little girl, Taya. Declan had planned a small picnic at the park a few blocks from their home, but that wasn’t all he had planned. While the two were at the park he had his older brother, Damien at their house to help set up the surprise Declan had for Aurora. 

Not long later the three of them, Declan, Aurora and Taya headed back to their home to relax for the rest of the evening, well… that’s what Aurora thought. 

The moment she walked into the home there were rose petals on the floor leading her way to the back yard. She was instructed to head into the back yard with Taya, seeing a projector screen hanging against the fence with candles lit around the yard. The petals on the floor lead to more rose petals in the shape of a heart. Declan had spent the whole week prior getting all her closest friends and family to leave messages and pictures of memories they had together which was then put into a slide show. 

Aurora had no idea about anything that this man had planned. She thought this was just the way he was ending her birthday week, with kind messages from all her close friends and family. Once the slideshow had ended she had turned around to find Declan on his knee in front of her. 

Declan’s point of view 

Declan pulled out a silver necklace, a heart hanging off it with three little diamonds resting on its shape. 

“Taya, I hope you know princess that I love you with all of my heart and from the moment that I met you, I knew that I would dedicate my life to being by your side with every step you take. From the moment I met you, I knew that I wanted to be your father. You’re such a courageous, beautiful little girl and I want nothing more than to watch you grow up knowing that you have a dad who loves you.” 

As Declan spoke, he was doing his best not to choke up on his words but this little girl meant the world to him. He then took the time to place the necklace around Taya’s neck before taking a moment to take a deep breath.

Doing his best to hold his ground, Declan pulled out a ring box. Finding every ounce of courage to raise his head, Declan locked eyes with the beautiful blonde. 

“Rory, my sweet, sweet girl. You have been the brightest little thing in my life that I never knew I needed. For the longest time, I have felt so scrambled and out of place. I never knew what it was that I wanted to do with my life and I didn’t quite understand the type of man that I wanted to be. I was sort of living every day, not caring where I would end up. That all changed the moment I kissed you for the first time. That kiss breathed life into me where I suddenly felt like I wanted to be the very best version of myself. I wanted to become a man worthy enough to be loved by you. Ever since you trusted me with your heart, I have become a man I don’t quite recognize and I mean that in the best way possible. I feel like I am capable of the things I wouldn’t have dared to attempt before I met you. I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person that your love has turned me into. I look at you and I see my family, my future, and my home. You and Taya are who I think of when I picture my happy place. I will spend a lifetime doing right by our family and making sure that you two are truly happy and cared for. Please, my love, will you make me the luckiest man in the world and marry me?” 

Finally, Declan opened the box to show the rectangle shaped diamond that sat on top of the ring with smaller diamonds evenly placed around it.

Aurora’s point of view 

Her heart felt like it was going to explode, her body was frozen and unable to move for a few seconds. She listened to his kind words he said to Taya. There was truly no man in this entire world she would rather have as Taya’s father figure, he treated her as his own and she really couldn’t ask for anything more.

Once Declan placed the necklace around Taya’s neck she watched him shift his attention to herself, a large gulp fell down her throat. Her bright green eyes beamed down into his eyes, listening to every word he said. Those tears that she had previously had resurfaced and were now streaming down her cheeks. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves she nodded her head with a smile across her face. “In no world would I ever say no. Yes, yes, yes and yes! In every multiverse, yes!” 

She practically yelled that final yes. Aurora held her shaking hand out so he could slide the ring onto her finger. 

“Kiss me, please!” She said with a small laugh, waiting for the male to stand back to his feet. Her arms wrapped around his neck quickly, standing on her tippy toes as she kissed him deeply.

[worldofroma]

June 2nd 2023, Friday - 2:53pm

I love to lie. I absolutely love it. Something about lying to people on the internet is one of the best things you could ever do. Because I find so many things to be boring, timewasting, or plain stupid, I find myself to have almost too much free time. With that time, I either read, write, find ways to further enhance my appearance, or message embarrassingly thirsty men on the internet using a fake persona besides my own pictures. I’m currently using the lie that I have a house in Ontario, but I’m constantly moving and travelling due to the fact that my father is a hitman. And the real shocking part of it is that they actually believe it. They believe that my mother died during child birth, that I’ve smuggled guns and drugs accross borders for my dad, and I’ve never atteneded real school. And I think I know why I enjoy it so much. I’m a writer, I write all about different things and problems in the world and create each and every character as if they were my own children. I hate some of them, I love some of them, and I wish I was some of them. With the amount of internet I have access to and the wide variety of people I can chat with, this gives me the opportunity to create more characters but within the real world as I act out as them. They have their own names, own backstories, own likes and dislikes, but look exactly like me. I think this may be a sign of how unhealthy my obsession with being someone besides myself is quickly growing. I’ve already been thinking nonstop about when I’m able to go to university and be whoever I want to be as I’ll be far from home with people I’ve never met before, but if I truly do that it may get out of hand. I’ve realized lately that I do everything I can to be someone else. I’m constantly comparing myself to people I see online, specifically pinterest, and even fictional characters I read about or see on tv. It’s getting to the point where I force myself to have a certain personality to fit the criteria of a character I like. Sometimes when I think about it too much, I recognize how sick and sad that sounds but I actually don’t mind it too much. I can be whoever I want whenever I want besides at home which is probably why I despise being home so much unless I’m alone in my room. I fully blame this on Barbie for telling me I can be anything.

I also just want to say that after reading over one of my past entries (don’t expect me to give an exact referral to which one because I didn’t even check myself) about how I never seem to cry and when I feel it coming on I just avoid it, but thats not entirely true. I watched the movie Beautiful Boy for the 30th time and remembered how sad that movie is. Every single time I see it, I sob. I think I find it so sad because although I’m not specifically struggling with drugs, I am suffering deep down with anything and everything and I don’t have someone who cares about it as much as the father cares about his son in that movie. Something about the scene of them in the airport and the father is telling his son about how the summer away from him will be short and theres nothing to worry about and when they tell each other “everything” as another way of saying “I love you” makes me cry like I never have before. It’s not even a sad scene, but it breaks me down every time. I’ve probably wrote this down in here somewhere already, but it really does affect someone to have an emotionally unavailable mother and a physically unavailable father. Especially when that father and all of his relatives claim that he loves my brother and I more than anything as if he didn’t fail to show up to court for custody over us several times. If you love us so much, why did you never put in the effort to see us or take care of us or demonstrate this “love” for us?

[loveandpain312]

May 22, 2023

I first wanna talk about the cabin, and kind of the weird emotions I felt afterwards. So, obviously this friend group has been kind of a weird side group in my life. During 2020 and 2022, it really fit who I was at the time. I was young, in college, newly single again, and seeking to be free when apart from the restraints of my job. I liked being in Duluth, experiencing the type of college life I never got to have for myself. When I met Jimmy, I was able to fall into who part of me is- free, flirty and eating up boys attention. We had a weird, unspoken connection when we met. Drunk, not much talking, but safe in each others presence. It’s weird to think back to that day. Obviously after, he was a weird mystery to me, and when we broke out of the awkward “are we a thing phase” and I allowed my uncaring, true self to show to him, our connection snapped into place. We got along well, we had a fun chemistry, I loved to flirt with him, be touchy with him, kiss him whenever we were together. But that was it. It didn’t go deeper...and I liked that. To be adored yet free at the same time. We were good friends too. And I loved the way I know he desired me. However, not before too long, Ryan came back into the picture, so my complicated more than friendship with Jimmy had to come to an end. And I was fine with it. However, I am lying to myself if I say it doesn’t hurt a little bit to see Jimmy and not have that relationship anymore. And now, this weird, complicated thing is definitely going on in between him and Sydney-there are obvious feelings there, everyone sees it, and the closer her and nick come to an end, the stronger the potential between her and jimmy grows. I know sydney feels awkward talking about it with me, and I wish I could say with complete genuine that I do not care one bit. Because that’s how I act about jimmy in general- but now I can admit, that I DID have feelings for Jimmy, but I knew he wasn’t meant for me, we’d never have a real relationship. But I recognize that the feelings I had for him, make it a little hard to see him and Sydney have a potential connection. And I think that’s okay, but I would never want to admit it to Sydney, I don’t want anything to be weird and if her and Jimmy would be happy together, I genuinely do want that for them even if it’s a little hard for me at first. I think it made me sad, to really really see that Jimmy and I’s relationship is completely dead, in the past. It’s hard for me to deal with that stuff. When I love people, even slightly, when I have a connection, leaving them behind hurts. I hold people so dearly in my heart, that when I have to completely cut ties to the connection we once had, its hard for me. And I can say, I miss Jimmy. I miss that friendship. I miss the girl I was able to be during that time, completely free. But I have to be able to make peace with the fact that it never would have been anything in between us. I am in love with Ryan. He is the only one I want, I want a future with him, I want everything that is him. He is my true one and only. And I wish I didn’t feel guilty as if my love for others in my past still taints me...and I feel that can’t be. I know it will be good and worth it when he comes home again, and then shortly we can be together. I am proud of myself for keeping my distance this weekend from Jimmy and not letting the emotions of missing the connection we once had to come out. But I can say, I miss that friendship. I see now, that I have not only outgrown that friendship, I have outgrown who I was at that time. And that’s okay, but it’s also okay that it hurts a little. I am a person that mourns all the different phases in my life. And while I am entering a new one, closing old doors, ending old chapters hurts. I never want to forget about the things I once loved and cared about. So I always carry it in my heart. I felt all these emotions and more the following day, feeling this realization. I am growing up, things are changing, and I hope I find myself, truly, in this next chapter. I hope Ryan can enable me to be truly free in this new chapter. 

Yesterday, I planted the garden at the house. This could be my last summer at home like this, so I am grateful that I put into motion planting a garden. I know it will give me more reason to go to the house, and that I am excited for. I want to spend more time there, to be with dad and just really soak up the feelings of the house. How connected I feel to my inner child and all. 

Today i went to Tartan to present about my experience in Costa Rica. It felt weird to be back, mainly felt neutral/relief to not be teaching there anymore. But it was good to use spanish in a classroom setting. 

The other thing on my mind right now-is that I feel I need to have a closure discussion with Ty. he keeps popping up, and I think he, more so than even I, deserves the closure. I want to tell him that I am sorry for how things went, and I value our connection immensely, but I suffer from so much guilt I didn’t know if I’d be able to get through it. And its not him I regret, its the timing, its the way it was an act of disloyalty against the one I love. And I am sorry, but I love Ryan, and to me he is worth putting all my effort and love into.And he has to let me go and in peace and for that I am sorry. I don’t know if it will make me feel better, or more guilty. But I have a sense that it will help to close the book on it all, and I can truly, truly move on in peace. I am not sure yet if I will do it, or not.

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (419): Wed 10th May 2023

Up early for a visit to the doctors this morning about an issue that has needed to be resolved for some time. In recent years I’ve found myself constantly worrying, overthinking, instantly picturing the worst possible outcome of every decision I make and unable to find the enthusiasm to even do things that I like. I also try to avoid other people like the plague and having to even exchange friendly banter with them makes my skin crawl. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone reading this that my anxiety has really gotten out of control in recent years. The therapist I saw a while back tried her best to help treat my anxiety but it was to no avail (and to be fair she was trying the help me treat it while I was working in a call centre so she was fighting an uphill battle). When the therapy (specifically CBT) failed to ameliorate any of the issues associated with social anxiety disorder I realized that if I was ever going to get better it would have to be through medication. I thought that I was going to have to have a lengthy dialogue with the doctor because anxiety has become a bit of a buzzword these days and I wouldn’t be surprised if doctors are a bit suspicious that people have self diagnosed themselves with anxiety. I told the doctor about all the constant overthinking, the dark thoughts, the constant apprehension I have when it comes to venturing out of my comfort zone and having to interact with others and the lack of motivation to do even the things that I enjoy. I also mentioned that when I got diagnosed with BFS a few years ago the neurologist told me that it is typically triggered by anxiety. The doctor gave me a questionnaire to fill out in order to determine what level of anxiety I was at. The questionnaire had a possible high score of 30 and I scored 27. Five years ago I would have been shocked by this revelation but recently things have gotten so bad that my immediate reaction was that it sounded completely accurate. The doctor gave me a card for Mind the mental health charity and she’s given me some meds and told me to increase the dosage over the coming weeks. I’m glad that I’ve finally decided to stop burying these issues and hoping they resolve themselves. Hopefully I won’t be such a nervous wreck anymore and maybe it will also help treat the twitches in my calves too. I finally finished “reading” Cimarron Rose, the latest book in my quest to read all the winners of the Edgar Award for Beat Novel. Once again it’s an entry that is probably much more entertaining than k gave it credit for but I’m the kind of reader who needs to be gripped right from the start or else I’ll just be phoning it in for the remainder. The plot is about a cop defending a young black man who he suspects has been falsely accused of rape  (I know there will be some far-left people who don’t recognize the term “falsely accused of rape” but people do actually lie. It happens). There’s also a subplot about being haunted by the ghost of a Navajo he accidentally shot dead but the novel as a whole wasn’t enough to captivate me. Maybe if there was a third subplot about a demonic dog who shoots flaming turds out of its arse and is going around Edinburgh killing people. I don’t know how the author could have worked that into a story set in the American badlands but if he’s a good author he would have found a way. The two items on my bucket list I’m determined to cross off before this year are to get my weight down to twelve stone and to finish reading all the Edgar books. I’m going to plow through the remaining 24 books in the series so that I can finally move on to my next challenge. Luckily the next book in the series Mr White’s Confession by Robert Clark arrived today so I’m going to jump right into it tomorrow.

[serialfirstdater]

After the Sun: Round-Up #4-6 for 2022

I was told some people are still reading this blog, and considering that I have re-entered the dating scene for 2023 after a three-month break from the apps (gasp, what happened there? I will get there soon), I will update this blog with the rest of my 2022 dates. I am going to try to give snippets on everyone versus giving them full blog posts. Since frankly, not all of them deserve a whole post and I don’t have the time anymore lmao. But I want to at least document it before I start a fresh batch of dating stories for 2023 (if I can keep up).

#4: The Letter Grade Guy

I went on a date with an engineer who took me to a really nice restaurant in Toronto. I was quite impressed with his restaurant choice (Marked) and we had a really good conversation.

During the date I told him about my dating experiences and how I gauged my dates compatibility with me. He joked how even though I am not a fan of the sciences in school, I dated like a scientist because I analyzed and took data on everything (like how I’m recording my dates on this blog LOL).

Anyway, I thought it was a good first date. After the date, he texted me and asked what his “letter grade” was. He asked because he knew from the questions he asked me, I would rate a guy and the dates I go on (I personally would not volunteer the info myself!). I said something along the lines of “No letter grade perse. Thought we had a good conversation and got along. The restaurant choice was great!” I never heard from him again, LOL. I guess he didn’t like the fact I wasn’t heavily praising him, even though my comment was not negative.

#5: The No-Marriage Dentist

I matched with a guy that I thought was sorta cute from the photos. Until I saw him irl and realized, he wasn’t really my type physically (minus him being a bit taller than me and the fact that he was a dentist). When I agreed to meet up with him, we have barely spoken at that point via the apps. But I was free and down so I said yes when he asked me out.

I soon realized how incompatible we were, especially when he told me he didn’t believe in the institution of marriage. People like that, no offence but, makes me roll my eyes. If they are afraid of marriage because their parents didn’t work out, that’s more understandable. But once it gets very political, I’m out.

Either way, I knew that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I wasn’t sure where his interests in me lied during the date but he at least knew I was looking for something different. His personality also truly irked me, a mix of condescending (or narcissistic) and socially awkward. AND he lied about his name. He claimed his name was Adrian on the apps and he even said it when he texted me. But he revealed to me his real name in person and I was immediately turned off. Apparently it was for privacy because he didn’t want to be recognized by clients or something as a dentist? Anyway, I thought that was dumb. 

He took me to a couple of nice bars though, so I will say I appreciated that at least. We never spoke again afterwards.

#6: The New Realtor

Ahhh, I feel really bad for the New Realtor (who only got licensed very recently when we have met, hence the nickname obvs). When I first met him, I was completely taken by him. I was so into him, like Cupid’s arrow. I thought he was so cute. He had a tattoo too, so I thought it just made him hotter. He also seemed like a husky fit guy too. So on our first date, I thought it went very well and I expressed my interest.

However after talking about him with my friends, I obviously showed his photo to them. The moment my best friend saw his picture, she couldn’t control her reaction and immediately went, “Ew.” My other friends were like, “Don’t say thatttttttt.”

But it was too late, it was like a seed that was planted in my head. I was convinced by my other close friend to tell him to take me to CNE (a huge fair that happens in Toronto at the end of summer every year). As a romantic, I always wanted to go on a CNE date or some sort of fair date. So I told him I was interested in checking out the CNE and he agreed.

When I saw him in person for our second date, something in my brain started turning and my interest started to gradually decline before it went full speed ahead as the date progressed. He was nice enough to also drop off another friend I was with at the CNE since she was going to see a mutual friend there. 

For the date, he decided to get us the unlimited rides, which I thought was excessive and when I later realized how I lost complete interest in him, I felt AWFUL. But I thought I should at least make the best of it, right? Wrong, I got sick after the third ride.

Maybe it’s because I was about to hit 30 but the third ride spun so much and did too many turns that I had some sort of vertigo. The New Realtor tried to be as gentlemanly as possible. Offered his arm for me to hold onto when I was dizzy, offered to get me food, still got me food when I said no and a bottle of water to hydrate with. Basically, he did everything I would want on a cute date.

However, I knew it was completely over when he tried to put his arm around my seat at a simple ride we did later and all I could do was to sit as far away from his arm as possible. When I am physically repulsed, I literally cannot change my mind. The ick was too strong and everything he did bothered me. I felt terrible.

Towards the end he kept offering to get me food but because I knew I had to reject him later, I didn’t want to take anymore of his generosity. When his car stopped in front of my place to drop me off, I immediately turned to him and went,

“I want to thank you very much for this date. You were a great guy and this date was very lovely. Unfortunately this would have to be the last date for us.”

Instead of asking why or being upset, he said, “That’s okay. Feel free to hit me up whenever you want.” He took it so well that I felt even worse for not liking him anymore!

In the end, I realized that I lost all attraction in him physically and also realized he was not as fit as I thought he was... Alas, I hope he finds a really nice girl that likes him because he would treat her like a princess. Unfortunately I was not his princess.

[coghive]

Amanda Danziger & Filipe Michael To Release ‘Seasons Instrumental’ January 20

Amanda Danziger and Filipe Michael will release part two of their Seasons EP, titled Seasons Instrumental on Friday, January 20, 2023. The project which initially launched in November was created to emulate cinematic soundscapes, which Danziger describes as devotional worship. “Devotional worship is a place of listening and stillness,” explains Danziger. “Over the years I have written every song I’ve done with my co-writer Filipe Michael, so I wanted to show that we are a team with our latest project Seasons. Filipe is the sole-composer of this project, while I have written the lyrics and melodies. Seasons Instrumental is going to give the listener a completely different experience — you’ll be able to hear all the nuances and creativity my co-writer put into composing Seasons. I hope listeners go into a quiet place for this experience when it releases.” The Seasons In Sound Seasons caps Danziger’s musical journey through the year. Each season she teased listeners with singles included on the album, starting with “Vindicate” for winter, “Prison Walls” for spring and “Refining Fire” for summer. And in the final album release this past November, “Be Still” completed the seasonal journey with fall. Each song in Seasons begins with a distinctive sound to evoke the season. “Vindicate” starts with the rush of a winter storm. Rain and thunder open spring’s “Prison Walls,” and the crackling of a summer campfire introduces “Refining Fire.” For fall, the sound of walking along a leaf-strewn path in the woods begins “Be Still” (pre-save the Instrumental EP here). “Each song is approached in a cinematic style that paints a musical picture of the season,” Danziger shares. With Danziger musically drawing the outline for each song, she relied upon producer and co-writer Filipe Michael to paint in the colors.

“Amanda and I collaborated on this project in a very unique way. Even though we are only separated by a state lines, we worked on this project remotely. Amanda would only provide a vocal track in our sessions and then explain what the song would picture — after that I would take over and compose the project,” explains Mora. “When we would talk on the phone about the project, I told Amanda that I’m ‘painting music.’ This project gave me the fresh air that I needed to think outside the box. Together we created something beautiful.” Collaborating in His name Childhood friends who met in church, Danziger and Michael have been collaborating since 2019, seperated by state lines – Danziger in Pennsylvania and Michael in New Jersey. Working remotely with musical sounds as their primary means of communication, they brought the album together. “Soundscapes are like painting a picture and my part of our collaboration is to bring these visions to life,” Michael says. Adding spice to the soundscapes they create is that both come from multi-cultural backgrounds. “Filipe will joke with me that my melodies don’t sound mainstream, and that’s because of my upbringing. I’m a first-generation American after my parents moved from Egypt in the late 70s. I grew up listening to Arabic music in my home, so I find myself singing in minor keys and experimenting with the sounds of Egypt.” Michael grew up in Sao Paulo, Brazil though they first connected in an Arabic-speaking church. “We used to lead our peers in worship, and from then on, we’ve always known we would create a very special musical piece one day. Seasons is it,” Danziger believes. Recognition After releasing the first song of Seasons with “Vindicate,” Integrity Music recognized the unique contribution that Danziger made in the contemporary worship genre and signed her to a licensing deal through its Integrated Music Rights program. This allowed Danziger to remain an independent artist, but also gain access to a record label infrastructure and opportunities. “The timing was all in God’s hands. I was so excited for this opportunity because it came right in time for the launch of Seasons,” Danziger states. “Seasons is a journey. It is a walk through of an entire year of thoughts, prayers, and life — and I’m grateful to launch this project with the Integrity team. They’ve encouraged us and helped us navigate throughout the entire process.” Read the full article

[lucisfavoritedemon]

Crossed Oceans of Time

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Summary: Y/n always thought her hope was lost till an unexpected call from an old friend has her traveling across time to save the man she thought was once lost in an ocean of time.

Warnings: angst, fluffy fluff, cursing, hopelessness (idk why I make the reader so depressed)

Word Count: 4122

A/N: This is written for @sweeterthanthis Quote Me On It 6k Challenge. The prompt I chose was “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” -Dracula. This story takes place during the events of End Game. I have incorporated the quote into the story. It will be bolded AND italicized. All mistakes are mine. 

Enjoy!

Everything I had seen had been a blur up to this point. My life flashed by so quick I never had a chance to process it all. Originally born in 1922, I never believed I would be able to see the day when technology would thrive. Here I am in 2023, 101 years later seeing the miracle of technology. 

I am a super soldier. One of the first experiments before Steve Rogers, aka Captain America. I volunteered myself to Dr. Erskine's experimentation, so he could develop a better, more safe serum. 

I fought by Rogers' side in many battles, including the one that would take his best friend. There is something you do not know though, of me and Sergeant Barnes. 

I had fallen for him. Not just a usual school girl crush, no. It was full blown love. Like my body had been struck by lightning the moment I laid eyes on him. 

I could sit and talk for hours about Bucky, and how much he meant to me, but that would be pointless. Bucky was gone and yet I couldn't move on. Something was keeping my heart from finding love again. 

Steve and I fought one last time together to defeat Red Skull. We thought it was the end for us, that we would be with Bucky again, but fate is a cruel mother thing. Oddly enough, the serum in our veins stopped our bodies from dying. It preserved us and helped us stay alive. 

When I woke up, all I remembered was crashing the ship. I had no recollection of anything else after. That's when we found out we were in the year 2012. For 70 years we were on ice. Poor Steve was heartbroken about Peggy, and I couldn't help but wish I was with Bucky. 

Time flew by like it was nothing, and all I felt I did was stand still and watch it go by. Steve and I had parted ways after we got back. I was hired to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. which I didn’t mind till in 2014 it all came crashing down. Almost quite literally. S.H.I.E.L.D. had HYDRA growing right under its nose. I was again left alone with nothing but a shattered heart.

Nick Fury tried to help me get back onto my feet but I wanted nothing to do with him, or anyone anymore. I was too heartbroken to even think about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I really just wanted my Bucky back. That’s all I could ever ask of the world. 

Five years ago, something happened. I felt like my life had fallen apart again. All the friends I had attempted to make, all disappeared. I wasn’t the only one who lost people they loved and cared for. I finally felt maybe other people out there were feeling the same way I did.

Here in 2023, I have been without the love of my life for almost 80 years. I kept asking why I got to live while he was taken from the world so soon. I never got the answer to that rhetorical question, asked to no one in particular. That was till I got a peculiar call from an unknown number. I answered it hoping it would be the reaper I hoped to be greeted by to take me to the love of my life.

“Y/n?” It was a voice I hadn’t heard in almost a decade. One I thought I’d probably never hear again either.

“Steve.” I sounded cheery for once since I had been out of the ice.

“Hey. How are you doing? I know it’s been years since we talked, but I wanted to see if you wanted to go for a drive? Just you and me.” He asked, and I could tell he was smiling some on the other end.

“That sounds lovely, Steve. I’ve been hanging in there. Since S.H.I.E.L.D. and the whole HYDRA thing, I’ve just been laying low.”

“Where are you living now?” Steve queried.

“I’m living in Brooklyn actually. In my old neighborhood. 

“You used to live in Brooklyn before the war?”

“Yep. I actually lived above the antique shop. You know the one.”

“Yeah. I didn’t know we lived so close, yet we never met you till Erskine introduced us.”

“Yeah. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel the way I do now…” I sounded melancholy.

“I’m not too far from where you are. Meet where the antique shop used to be. We can talk more then, I have something I think you would love to hear.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you there.” I said, and hung up quickly. I knew there was nothing he could have told me that would make me jump for joy. He couldn’t say anything that would make my smile come back. It was gone, and faded with time.

I met him where that antique shop used to be, and I could almost picture it all. The cobblestone streets, the kids playing baseball, the world used to be a different place back then. It’s not like it was anymore, and I wish that it kind of was. 

“Hey.” Steve smiled, walking up to me.

“Hi.” I gave a small smile, but he could tell I had sadness written all over my face.

“What’s wrong?” Concern spread across his face.

“Nothing. This is just how I smile now.”

“Whoever took away your beautiful, contagious smile is going to pay.”

“Time took my smile away.”

“”Come on. I want to talk to you about something.” His smile grew wider as he led me to his car. 

He opened the door for me, and I climbed in. I buckled up as he climbed into the driver’s seat. We headed out of the city, down the countryside. The scenery was beautiful, but I still couldn’t bring myself to start a conversation.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I have been for 11 years. What’s 40 more gonna do right?” I gave an extremely sad smile.

“Is this about Bucky?”

“There were so many times in my life where we could have met. Maybe just a year longer with him, and I would be able to move on, or maybe not. I was in love with him, Steve. The way I felt the night we first met, it was like everything in my life finally made sense. I felt like I had a purpose.”

“He’s actually the reason I wanted to talk to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was alive. I need your help getting him back.”

“What do you mean? That’s impossible. We both watched him die.”

“Remember when all those men were captured from the 107th, including Bucky, back in ‘43?”

“Yeah, and we went to rescue them.”

“Bucky was experimented on by Armin Zola. Turned into a super soldier himself.”

“Okay and?”

“Whatever Zola did to him, it helped him survive the fall.”

“So what I’m understanding is, you knew he was alive this entire time, and you’re just now telling me about it?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I need your help getting him back now.”

“Okay. You keep saying that, but if he is alive, why would we need to get him back?”

“Remember 5 years ago when half the earth’s population just vanished?”

“Yeah?”

“Bucky was part of that half.”

“And you think we can get him back?”

“I think we can bring back all the life lost 5 years ago. It requires us going back in time though.”

“Time travel? You’re promising time travel in a time where we thought flying cars were going to be a thing.”

“It’s possible though. We’ve tested it, and everything is up and working. We have all the dates in order, we just need the man power.”

“Alright, if it means bringing Bucky back, I’ll do it.”

“Thank you.”

Steve drove us to a huge building practically in the middle of nowhere. There I was greeted by a group of people, one of which I recognized from a brief meeting years ago. The others I didn’t know. I mean one man looked oddly familiar, but I could quite put my finger on where I had seen him before.

“Everyone, this is Y/n. She is an old friend of mine.” Steve introduced me.

“I may be old, but I sure don’t feel like it.”

“Join the club.” Steve chuckled.

“I’m Natasha. We met briefly in D.C. a few years back.” The woman I had recognized approached.

“Yes, I remember you. It’s nice to officially meet you on slightly good terms. While not being utterly terrified by a man with a metal arm.” I smiled slightly, trying to imagine how it would feel to see Bucky once more.

“So how do you two know each other?” The man that I swore looked familiar, spoke up.

“Steve and I fought together during the war.”

“Does that mean she also knew Barnes?” The man questioned.

“Yes. She did. In fact they were together for two years before HYDRA took him.”

“How does he know about Bucky?” I asked, growing concerned.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’m Tony Stark by the way.” The man spoke up, and everything was now coming together.

“I knew you looked familiar to me somehow. You look just like your father.”

“Yeah, well, join the club with everyone who says that.” Tony sounded irritated.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Y/n, it’s alright.” Steve spoke up before Tony could say anything.

He could probably tell I was freaking out. My goal was to help, not make things worse. I could tell by just opening my mouth, I was doing just that. Steve started to rub my back to calm me down.

“Is everything okay?” Natasha asked.

“She’s been through a lot. She didn’t even know Bucky was alive until a couple hours ago.” Steve replied.

“For so long I wished that something would happen so I could be back in his arms again. Now, I have a chance to see him again, and not in the afterlife. He is the man of my dreams, the love of my life. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and the fact that I have tried to move on, but couldn't just shows that I truly did love him.”

“Does she know about him?” Tony asked.

“Not about that. She doesn’t need to know.” Steve stated sternly.

“Know about what? Steve? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Stark, I agree with Steve. If she knew about him, her opinion of him may change.” Natasha interjected.

“She deserves to know the man she loved then will not be the man she is getting back.”

“What are you all going on about?”

“Barnes was the man with the metal arm you spoke of.” Tony blurted out.

“You’re wrong. Bucky would never hurt anyone. He was someone who put others before himself. He would never kill anyone.”

Steve just gave an angry look to Tony. I didn’t know who to believe. Natasha just gave me an apologetic look. I couldn’t read anyone, they all seemed to look angry or apologetic, and I didn;t know who to believe.

“Maybe the Barnes you knew wouldn’t, but over 70+ years, people change.” Tony stated before walking inside.

“Steve? Was Bucky really the man with the metal arm? If he was, I want to know. It won’t change how I feel. I just need to know, so I can help him when he comes back.”

“Yes. He was what the world knew as the Winter Soldier. He isn;t like that anymore. I promise, but he is broken and traumatized from what HYDRA did to him.”

“Understandable. Now let’s go get him and everyone else back.” I smiled, and walked inside. I didn’t have to fake one anymore. I was just happy that I finally had the chance to see Bucky again. That maybe seeing each other again could mend our souls a little bit.

Steve led me to a room where he told me to suit up. I threw on the suit laid out for me, and met the others on the main level. Steve handed me two little vials which he told me would help take me where I needed to be. He told me I was to stay with him to make sure nothing happened to me. I was perfectly okay with that.

We were all ready to find these stones. Steve showed me a picture of the stones him, Tony, Scott, and I were to be getting. I just wanted to get this over with, to be with Bucky once more. I have waited a long time for this moment, and I just couldn’t wait any longer. 

“Everyone ready?” Bruce asked.

“See you guys in a minute.” Natasha smiled.

We all shrunk down, and our groups went separate ways. I made sure to not lose sight of Steve as we landed in our desired time. We all started walking the tattered streets of New York City, and I knew where we had landed.

“Banner, you find the time stone, Stark and Lang, you two get the tesseract. I’ll get the scepter.” Steve directed.

“What about me?” I asked, curious what my task would be.

“You are staying right here. We’ll all meet right back here once we have secured our items.”

“Why am I here then if you don’t need me?”

“In case things go south.”

I roll my eyes, “fine. I’ll stay here.”

“Thank you.”

They all walk off, and I stay put where they told me to. I listen to them talking on comms to each other. They were pretty entertaining if I was being honest. That was until they started saying they lost the tesseract. Things looked hopeless now.

“What are we gonna do now? The tesseract is gone, and we don’t have any more of the capsules.” Scott paced.

“I have an extra capsule that will get me where I want to be. Please let me do this Steve?”

“Fine. I think I have an idea where you might be going. Just be careful okay?” He hands me something, “put it in here when you grab it.”

“I will. I promise I’ll be careful. I’ll see you guys when I have aquired the tesseract.” I smile.

I plug in the time and date that I wanted, and shrunk down traveling back to January 1945. The day Steve and I put the plane in the water. I remember seeing Red Skull holding it that day, right before he disappeared actually. Maybe that’s what Steve meant by ‘be careful’.

I headed straight to the hanger, and climbed inside. I hid until I knew it was safe to come out. Which meant waiting till Red Skull took off. I waited for Steve, and I to start fighting Red Skull. I came out and prepared to grab the tesseract. I had the special case Steve handed me before I left.

When Red Skull disappeared, and Steve and I went to man the ship, I grabbed the tesseract. I plugged in the date to head back, and shrunk down again, heading back to the correct timeline. I arrived as everyone else returned as well. I looked around to make sure everyone was there, but one person was missing.

“Clint, where’s Nat?” Bruce asked, looking at Clint.

“Barton, where is she?” Tony asked, being more stern.

“She’s gone...it should have been me.” He sounded so sad. I felt for him. I knew how it felt to lose someone I cared so much about.

They all gathered by the water mourning Natasha’s sacrifice. I let them have their moment. It wasn’t my place to be with them while they grieved. It just didn’t seem right, or fair to them. I sat in the lab waiting for them to come back, and assemble the gauntlet.

Steve walked in and sat next to me, “how did it go?”

“It went well. It was weird seeing Red Skull and you, and me. I think I managed well though. Why did you give me an extra capsule?”

“I figured you would go and help us, then I’d let you go and be with Bucky. Get the time you lost back.”

“That makes no sense if I lose him in the end anyways.”

“Maybe part of me hoped you would change his fate. That way you never lost him. You would never have to know what it was like to lose him.”

“That’s really sweet of you Steve, but I don’t think that would be right. For me or him.”

“I understand. I just want you to know that your pain hasn’t gone unnoticed.”

“I’m glad it hasn’t, but I really wish you knew how much I needed you too. I didn’t just miss Bucky, you were my friend too.”

“I know, but you haven’t been the same since you thought he died. You have been more closed off, you don’t smile, or laugh like you used to. I just want you to be happy again. I want to see that beautiful smile, and hear your contagious laugh once more.”

“You will again one day. Right now though, you need to help the others make this gauntlet.” I gave a half smile before moving out of the way so the others could do their job.

I sat outside with my eyes closed. Just waiting for someone to walk up to me and make sure I was okay. The light from the sun was dimmed like a shadow moved in front of me. I smiled before opening my eyes, thinking that Steve, or maybe Bucky, was standing in front of me. When I looked, I saw something that looked like a meteor heading right for the building.

I tried to run inside, but it was too late. The ball, or cannon, or whatever had already hit the building. I wiggle my way out from under the debris, but I could tell I had a pretty severe wound on my abdomen. I tried to call out to someone, but I got no response. I hoped that everyone was alright. 

I finally was able to stand up, and walked outside. There I saw Thor standing, and watching someone. I walked over to him, putting pressure on my side to make sure I stopped the bleeding. That’s when I saw Steve walking up to him too.

“What’s he doing?” Steve asked, looking where Thor was looking.

“He’s just sitting there.” Thor responded. “He doesn’t have the gauntlet right?”

“Not that I can see.”

“Let’s keep it that way.” Steve said, walking over to me.

“Who is that guy?” I asked, looking confused.

“That’s Thanos. He’s the reason half the earth’s population disappeared 5 years ago.”

“Did he figure out what we were planning?”

“It’s not the same Thanos. The one from our time, Thor killed him.” Steve said, walking over to him.

“I used to think that destroying half the planet's life would be good enough, but the other half that stuck around seems to be ungrateful. Looks like I may have to destroy this world, and create a new one, one that will be grateful for the world I have provided.”

That’s when Thor charged at Thanos, and the fight began. Tried to fight as much as I could, but I was losing more and more blood every second. I ran at him, thinking he was going to hurt Steve, but he stopped me and threw me against some rubble. I attempted to get up, but the pain was too much to fight anymore.

I watched as Steve prepared to fight by himself. I wish I had the strength to stand up and fight next to him. I just couldn’t bear the pain anymore. That’s when I heard a voice over comms that sounded kind of familiar. 

“Cap, can you read me. On your left.” The voice said, and these vortex-like things opened up, and out walked three people.

Steve turned to me, and saw that I was on the ground. He reached his hand out to me, and I took it, standing up. He smiled at me, and prepared to fight. That’s when armies of people walked through these vortexes. I stayed close to Steve, finding comfort in the one person I knew fairly well. 

“You okay?” He asked.

“I’ll be okay. I just want this douchebag dead. He took Bucky away, and now he wants to destroy the entirety of planet earth. He deserves what’s coming to him.” 

Steve smiled, “you really haven’t changed a bit. More depressed than what I remember, but your attitude is still the same.” He chuckled lightly.

I giggled, and prepared to fight to the end. I didn’t care if I died, I just wanted Steve and Bucky to live. Steve stood at the front of the army he was leading, perhaps into our last battle. I was ready to do anything. I had found my hidden strength to keep fighting till I physically couldn’t keep fighting anymore. That was quicker to come than I thought. I knew I was losing a lot of blood, but I didn’t know how quickly. Turns out when Thanos threw makeup against the rubble, I created an even bigger wound. 

Only a few minutes into the now fair fight, I started to get really dizzy. I tried to grab a hold of someone before I fell, but there was no one around me. I hit the ground and I was out for the count.

~*~

I don’t know how long I had been out for, or if I was still even alive. To my surprise, and Steve’s happiness, I was.

“Hey there sweetheart.” Steve smiled, gripping my hand tightly.

“Did we win?” Of course that would be my first question. It was the first question I asked when we came out of the ice.

He chuckled, but his look turned sad, “we won, but we lost at the same time.”

“What do you mean? Did he snap them away again?” My heart was pounding in my chest. The fear painted across my face.

“No. Everyone who disappeared is back, but Tony...he snapped Thanos and his army away, but he didn’t make it.” Steve gave me an extremely sad look.

I squeezed his hand, not even paying attention to the fact someone had just walked into the room. I didn’t even notice the person till Steve looked over to them, and got up. I couldn’t quite tell who it was because where they were standing was kind of dark. That and my eyes were fully adjusted yet, but I could tell they were tall and well built, they also had semi-long hair.

“Go on. She’s been waiting.” Steve spoke up, seeing me stare at them.

The person came closer, and I was met with their mesmerizing blue eyes. I smiled at them as they came over to sit down. He seemed closed off, or just really shy. I couldn’t quite get a read on him for whatever reason. 

“Hey.” He gave a very small smile, almost shy.

“Hey.” I smile more. 

“I’ve missed that smile.” Steve spoke up.

I giggled, “well it’s thanks to you that I feel like I can be happy again.”

The man sitting next to me just looked down. I put my hand out for him to take. He grabbed it very gently. It was colder than I thought it would be. I looked down, and saw a metal hand. He tried to pull away, but I gripped his hand tight.

“You’re not scared?” He asked.

“Because I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” I smile wide, bringing his hand to my lips, kissing it gently.

Steve smiled, “you knew it was him the whole time didn’t you?”

“Of course. Those eyes are unforgettable, and his voice is unmistakable.” I felt the hand around mine tighten, and his smile got bigger.

“I’ve missed you doll. I’ve missed you so much.” Bucky spoke.

“I missed you too. I never thought that I would ever see you again.”

We stared lovingly at each other for a while. Enjoying just taking in the fact that he was back into my life. That I had him back. That the best thing that ever happened to me was back. It was the best feeling in the world, one that I thought I would never be able to feel again. I finally felt like my heart had been put back together, and Bucky held the mold in his hands.

[midnight-watch-committee]

Story 3: home is where the monsters are

The Louenburg-Vallen residence, 9:45 am, November 21st,2023.

The warm fall sun had broken in through the curtains in just the right way to paint the whole room a gentle yellow yet not enough to be blinding. The type of pretty you only see professional photographers catch... the kind of pretty that my parents would’ve already had their cameras out to catch before the moment disappeared. Beth walked into the living room, stretching and letting a small smile out, the bright sun pulling her beauty out from deep within her. She kissed me gently on the cheek, whispering a soft “Good morning, sleeping beauty,” and heading over to the coffee brewer to make a pot. People say that they look their worst in the mornings but she was... perfect in this moment. From the way her hair kept falling in her face, to her soft and slow movements, to the bags under her eyes. I wished I had a go pro on my head right now so all of this could be recorded, but I settled for having this moment now. I heard the front door open and slam shut. I tried to say something about it, but nothing came out. I tried to say it louder, scream it, but no matter how much I tried it’s like the air around me was snuffing it out. Then... IT came in... came back. I tried to get up but my legs wouldn’t move. The tall pale creature slowly stalked its way to Beth, her still not noticing. It inched closer, its pale, bloodied gown trailing behind it. It reached a long pale finger out, gently taping it against her forehead. As it did, I watched every drop of blood fire out of the mouth of the woman I loved in a heartbeat. I tried to get up, to run, but I still wasn’t moving. Looking down I saw both of my arms and legs were in casts, broken. “Don’t worry, dear.” It said, its voice sounding like the voice recordings of my mom my grandfather kept, “I’ll be here to take GOOD care of you... for the rest of your life.” It’s permanent smile seeming more twisted than I remembered, but that didn’t matter. It’s jaw slowly unhinged, it’s sharp teeth on full display as it swiftly bit down, taking my head with its bite.

The Louenburg residence, 2 :00 am, January 3rd, 2019.

I woke up in a cold sweat, on the floor in Beth’s place. Well, her parent’s place. I was generously offered sometime here after Beth realized I live completely alone in a house that doesn’t really belong to anyone anymore. That short amount of time ended up becoming a more permanent situation around my 17th birthday back in November. I made my way into the kitchen and reached into the cabinet, grabbing a cup for myself and opening the fridge. “What to drink?” I said to myself a couple times. “We have cold brew coffee in the back.” I heard a voice say from the table. “I already had three” Beth joked, wiping her heavy eyes. I took some of the cold brew and poured it for myself, “You want some?” I asked. She turned it down, and I took a sip of it, realizing how much she hated my liking of black coffee. I sat down next to her in pitch blackness, wanting to turn on a light desperately. She sighed as she stared at her computer screen and I cracked a “Another bad fan fic?” Getting a sad nod from her, her head on the table. I gently pet her and she sits back up. I take my cold brew and invite her to come watch the news with me in the other room. She follows slowly, tired real Beth being similar to tired dream Beth in that department. That thought makes me shudder and I quickly turn on the tv and start flipping through the channels, eventually coming across the news station her uncle works for and seeing the title card “What is the Midnight Watch Committee?” and turning up the volume, whipping out my phone to record what her uncle says. “Now, some of you out there may remember back in late June when we did a story on the cabin that supposedly didn’t exist according to police and real estate agents that got up and chased that truck full of students from Big Horn High School, but new information handed to us says that there’s more to this story than the police are letting on yet again.” One of my other pictures was thrown up of a ghost of a student that haunted our high school. Poor kid, I’m glad his story is being told, even if it is on late night news. “Yes, folks you are looking at a ghost of a student, according to the Midnight Watch Committee this student was murdered by a teacher a few years back however police refuse to investigate, instead telling us to put up a reward hotline for whoever knows who these kids are, but we aren’t doing that tonight. These kids, in my opinion are doing more to help the people of Wyoming than these garbage cops! Yeah, I said it!” He looked off at something, someone on set who must’ve gestured for him to stop and they cut to commercials. Beth gave my arm a gentle slap, “Look at you, Ms. Camera Girl! That was a really nice shot you got there!” I stopped recording and smiled “Yeah well you found the body so who’s the real reporter?” She sighed “Yeah, shame we couldn’t get a photo in before the cops snatched him up.” I nodded, noticing the “Children’s survival guide” was now open, for how long is unknown to me but I turned on a light and looked at it. “No” was all that could escape my mouth as I looked down at it before me. It... couldn’t have been, but it was. Laying there on the page was the creature from my dreams. Beth looked at it, a confused look on her face. “Juni, what’s so bad about this? It’s just like everything else we deal with all the time.” She had no idea, nor could I just explain this to her. The page was the same as you’d expect for all the others... but not. Sure, the art style was the same but this thing wasn’t out in a field acting nonchalant, it was in a house, it’s finger on someone’s forehead, the blood exploding out of them like in my dream. “What the fuck” I mumbled, taking a picture and sending it to Mickey. My heart was racing and I couldn’t tell how much was from the fear and how much was the coffee. I grabbed my cup and chugged the rest, getting a wide-eyed expression from Beth. The caffeine was the least of my concerns, I stormed over to the fridge and [the rest of the events of this day was redacted to avoid self-incrimination].

The Louenburg residence,12:02 pm, January 4th, 2019.

I woke up, mildly hungover and with a bloody hand, wondering how I managed to hurt it in the first place. I sulked off to grab food, checking my phone and seeing Mickey blew it up last night. The new crack in my phone told me I must’ve dropped it or thrown it, either way I'd have to get it fixed at some point. I grabbed a granola bar and munched down on it, finally reading the page from the book, just barely holding back tears. I looked for anything that could help but all it said was: “Terror eater: Threat level alpha, avoid at all costs. The creature hunts down veteran monster hunters and people with hidden trauma, marking their victims by using graphic nightmares to tag them. Only tagged people can see Terror Eater. People near the victim when they died will have any of their memories erased of the person before they died, leaving only the day they died in their memories.” The list of victims was extensive, only listing “Monster hunter” or “Non hunter” instead of the person’s name. It was cold, it was direct, it was what you’d expect from a monster hunter who couldn’t remember these people...or these people didn’t exist at all before their deaths. Either way, the picture didn’t help, and the page next to it saying “YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF” scribbled poorly on the page didn’t help the situation. I closed the book and stuffed it in my bag, hearing it bounce around a bunch but not wanting to address it at the current moment. I grabbed my camera and went outside, going for a walk and taking pictures of whatever I found to be nice. Birds chirping, flowers growing, rivers flowing. I must’ve walked miles because by the time I found the same river twice I realized there weren’t any rivers in Big Horn and I was completely lost. The heavy foliage of the trees around me suffocated the light, making things that much harder. I tried running in one direction for a while but this thing seemed to go on forever. I heard a rustling in the bushes nearby. I jumped and turned to it, the creature from my dreams standing there. “Juniper dear,” the fake voice of my mother said “You’ve been an awful daughter. Scaring the public with this nonsense, you should be ashamed.” My legs froze, ignoring my commands to run. “I’m going to have fun fixing-” suddenly it stopped and looked up at the sky, like something was telling it something. It let out an angry sigh and disappeared back into the foliage, an opening in the dense trees I hadn’t noticed before suddenly appeared and I, not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, bolted out of there, afraid that whatever told it off would change its mind.

Big Horn, Wyoming, 9:30 pm, January 12th, 2019.

Getting out I recognized some shops nearby, telling me I was in the center of town. Not like recognizing a shop was the give-away, there’s no shops near Beth’s...well, she insisted I call it our house so I shall, our house. We lived in the middle of nowhere, but how I ended up here was beyond me. Turning back around I noticed that the forest I had come out of was gone. Not just harder to see, completely gone, like I had been somewhere that doesn’t exist, absolutely gone. I was barely three steps from it but I decided not to dwell on it any longer, dreading it choosing to exist again. I whipped out my phone to call Beth but it was dead, forcing me to go into a nearby shop and actually talk to someone. My palms were soaked with sweat, wiping them on my pants didn’t help much. It was 30 degrees Fahrenheit that day but if you took one look at me, you’d think it was 110. I slowly made my way to the pawn shop, standing in the doorway, reaching for the handle then pulling my hand away out of fear, I must’ve done it twenty or so times before someone nearby came over. “Are you ok, ma’am?” the stranger asked me. He was well dressed, too well dressed for Wyoming. He was brown, tall, and looked like your average CEO. “No, I’m not” I barely squeaked out. Concern made Its way onto his face, “Do you know your parents’ number?” he said reaching for his phone. I shook my head, “They aren’t around anymore.” I said, my voice still shaky. He gave me the look everyone does when they first find out, said the usual “I’m so sorry” that I've heard a thousand times and tried to think of some way to help me. “Do you have somewhere you can stay? A hotel, a friend’s house, anywhere?” he asked, scratching his head. I nodded, “I have a friend, I’ve been spending some time at her place.” I was starting to calm down, it was slow but still, I was calming down nonetheless. “I’m guessing they aren’t close by, otherwise you’d be walking there. Here,” he said holding his water jug out to me, “you look exhausted. Mind telling me what happened to you.” I paused for a second. On one hand, stranger danger. On the other, it seemed fine and I was really dehydrated from all the sweating and walking. He looked at me, puzzled. “Weren’t you just reported missing?” He asked, still staring at me. “If I was missing, how would I know?” I half joked back, hoping he’d stop staring. “Well, whoever reported you probably misses you. Let me give you a ride back, it’ll probably be faster than waiting around for someone.” I didn’t really know what to say, again stranger danger. If school taught me anything, and it almost didn’t, it was never get in cars with strangers. He reached in his pocket for something and I covered my mouth with my hand to stop him from drugging me that way. He whipped out his badge and handed it to me. “My name is Chuck Garrison, I’m not going to hurt you, I just want you to get home safely.” He said. “Check my whole car if you want, I have nothing to hide.” I wasn’t exactly sure how trustworthy he was, but at this point it was him or nothing, I guess. I followed him back to his car, taking him up on his offer to check his car and snapping a few pictures of the interior and license plate and shoving them in my bag in case he tried something. He spotted my camera, but I didn’t care, it was survival at this point. Sitting down, I started messing with the radio, stopping when I recognized Pink Floyd on one of the stations. He took note of that, I could see the gears in his head turning. “So... the camera, any particular story behind it?” Seriously? What am I a suspect? I thought to myself. “No, got it from my grandfather.” I said, punching my address into his gps. He could tell I was avoiding something but guess his humanity overwhelmed him and we switched subjects, “What are you here for, special agent?” I asked, not sure how anal he was about being addressed by his rank or not, if special agent is even a rank. “Some kids raising some hell.” He said, trying his best to focus on driving. He was here for us, wasn’t he? Either way, I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to raise more alarms for him, we spent the rest of the ride in silence. Trees, deer, the quietness of the nowhere-ness. That’s Wyoming to me, that’s home to me. Each tree we drove past reminded me I was out of the thick of it all.  

The Louenburg residence,9:45, January 12th,2019

As he pulled into ‘our’ house, he handed me his card, telling me “Call me if you ever need a ride” jokingly. I took it, thanked him and got out. I tried my key on the lock and sure enough it worked. I was somewhat surprised by that, even more surprised by Beth, who was just staring, eyes locked on the phone with a spare missing persons poster of me next to her. Her dad was the first one to see me, running over and hugging me. “She’s back!” he screamed out to the whole house, everyone running over to see for themselves. Her mom came in and squeezed me tighter than her dad, Beth just stood there, tears rolling down her face. When everyone else let go, she grabbed my face. “I don’t know if I should kiss you or kill you right now.” she mumbled softly. “Either works.” I joked. “Juniper, do you know how long you were gone?! I honestly thought you might’ve died!” she screamed at me, letting go of me and crossing her arms. “I...” I looked around, it seemed like everyone was waiting on an answer. “I don’t” I said, confused. “Juniper,” her mom chimed in, “You’ve been gone for over a week.” My head started to spin. How could I have been gone that long? I sat down and did the only thing I knew how to at the moment. I cried, a lot. I’m not leaving that out of this transcript, I’m not ashamed of it. It was rough, not truly understanding it all. You would’ve done the same and don’t kid yourself by saying something different. We all cried a little that night. We talked about all the things I missed, which was a short list since it was only a week but still, talked about how much everyone missed me. That caught me off guard... it was the first time anyone had said it to me before. “I missed you.” felt like gibberish. No one felt safe having me sleep alone downstairs anymore, so Beth let me share her bed, setting a pillow wall between us. I honestly hated that pillow wall so much.

The Louenburg residence, 2:40 am, January 13th,2019.

I shot upright in bed. It was taunting me. Terror eater wanted me to feel true fear before I died. Even though the dream was the same as the last, the feelings it caused in me was the same, like it was all new. I broke down, what else was I gonna do? Beth must’ve noticed because I felt her hand slowly make its way to my leg. She mumbled something in her sleep that I couldn’t understand. I stayed up for most of the night that night, watching the time pass on her alarm clock as fear ate me up inside. I shouldn’t feel like this, I should be able to protect the ones I love, not hurt them more. Isn’t that what monster hunters do? The back-door opened, it was Beth letting her dog, Roxy, back in. Roxy was your average German shepherd corgi mix, if you had to hide your corgi as another dog, don’t call Beth because this dog was way more corgi than anything else I had ever seen, and this includes most corgis. The dog did its dog thing, eating some food then going off to find Beth’s mom. It was her dog but we were allowed visitation rights. A good custody agreement if you ask me! I smile and pet her as she walks past me. Beth smiles and watches the dog. Normally she was the one to quiet her cries of misery by picking her up every now and again and setting her on whatever she was looking at, but Beth had another girl she was worried about. She went up and hugged me and I hugged her back, understanding how much it hurts to not have someone you love around for a long time. I couldn’t understand why she missed me so much though, honestly I still don’t. My face went red, “You can let go whenever you want, yknow” I reminded her. She let go, embarrassed and thinking she made me uncomfortable, she didn’t but I still wasn’t sure how I could possibly say “I love you” to her, especially since I'd only been home for a day. “I should... go check on the dog.” She said and quickly disappeared. The hairs on my arm started to stand up and my camera started to glow again, “Shit” I mumbled to myself. It was here, how did it get here though? The question escaped my mind as I bolted to the next room, the further I could get from that THING the better. Fear was starting to be the only thing powering me, darting around a corner and sprinting down the dark hallway, Beth’s mom calling after me as I passed her but I didn’t have time to deal with that. If it came down to it, her window was the furthest from any door in the house and the ground wasn’t exactly far, I’d jump out. I slammed the door behind me and sat by the window, waiting for it to come. The door opened and I sprinted for the window, whatever came in was faster, it grabbed me by the collar just a few inches away from the window. I struggled, I wasn’t going out like this, I wasn’t letting Beth see my body if I died. I’d rather her never knew I existed at all than have to deal with the pain of finding me dead. “Juni! Calm Down!” it was imitating her, I didn’t even turn around to face it but I knew it was. Beth turned me around to look at her “Breath for god’s sake!” she practically screamed at me. “Can’t you see it?!” I actually screamed back, which in hindsight seemed really mean. But to anyone who could’ve seen it, you’d know it was right in the door way, very slowly closing in, like it was taunting me. “Juni, what’s gotten into you?!” she half screamed. Then it clicked, “people with hidden trauma,” would it really just- I had to try. “Beth, I’m scared, I’m scared that if something happens again, I won’t be able to protect you guys-” I started, it bolted for me at this point, in one last ditch effort I screamed. “I’LL LOSE YOU GUYS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!” I closed my eyes tight, after a few seconds I opened them again and... it was gone. I cried into her shoulder, partially from the pain of having that all come out and partially from the joy of surviving to another day. The bright pink blur that was her room was much more comforting than nauseating at this point. She held me tight and I held onto her just as tight. “Maybe you should talk to my therapist?” She suggested. I nodded and laughed a little, she didn’t find the irony of it funny, I still don’t think she finds “extreme therapy” as I called it nearly as funny as I do. I was just glad to be alive and never deal with that again... unless I have another traumatic experience.

[walterfrodriguez]

Bal Harbour Shops owner explains why retailers want bigger flagship stores more than ever

Matthew Whitman Lazenby (Photo by Sonya Revell)

You could call Matthew Whitman Lazenby a member of retail royalty. His late grandfather Stanley Whitman was a pioneer in South Florida real estate, buying swaths of land along Collins Avenue in Miami Beach and other coastal areas. Fifty-four years ago, Whitman opened Bal Harbour Shops, which Lazenby now oversees as owner and manager general of Whitman Family Development.

The high-end shopping center is in the midst of a hard-won $500 million expansion and renovation, which was approved by the village following years of community opposition and contentious lawsuits. The 340,000-square-foot expansion — due for completion in 2023 — will include the first Barneys New York flagship store in the Southeastern U.S. as well as new luxury boutiques and restaurants. The company is also a minority owner in the retail component of Brickell City Centre.

TRD sat down with Lazenby at the offices of Whitman Family Development in Bal Harbour, across the street from Bal Harbour Shops.

The interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Birth date: September 3, 1977 Hometown: Miami Lives in: Miami Beach Family: Wife: Kristin Arbuckle Lazenby; three sons: Will, 7; Clayton, 5; Stephen, 3; three boxers: Satchmo, Ella, Aretha

How did your grandfather open Bal Harbour Shops? Bal Harbour Shops came about because after World War II he came back — he was an officer in the Navy — and his father had died, and his mother, who was a very astute businesswoman, was running the family’s finances and was actively investing in the stock market and also locally in real estate in a way that outpaced even what her husband had been doing before he died. So that intrigues young Stanley, and he started helping her manage some buildings that the family had acquired, predominantly on Lincoln Road. That’s where he first figured out how owning retail buildings could be improved. He always intended Bal Harbour Shops to be an improved version of Lincoln Road, because the vision for it wasn’t fragmented between 100 different property owners, but consolidated with one property owner who recognized that in order for everything to be successful you had to have a curated mix of tenants, some of whom were going to pay more rent than others.

Did you always know you would be working for your family’s company? No, I really didn’t. I think my mother of all people was probably the one who had some designs that that would happen eventually. My grandfather probably wished that the family would have produced someone that could have succeeded his son, but it was never “Matthew, you will do this.” I came to that decision by myself on my own time.

How did you climb the ranks there? The company that I joined in 2003 was still very much run by the man. Stanley didn’t literally die at this desk [at age 98, two years ago], but he essentially did. He worked his entire life; it meant everything to him. This was his baby. I joined as a sort of junior associate leasing guy. By the time my grandfather was really willing to relinquish control of the organization in terms of the big picture, my uncle was already in his late 60s. There was literally a moment where Stanley turned to Randy and said, “All right, you’re up,” and Randy said, “Pfff, I’m retired.” At that point, everybody looked at me and said, “Well, you’re up.” But as long as Stanley Whitman was alive, Stanley Whitman was in control, let that be clear.

Tell us about the thinking behind the expansion at Bal Harbour Shops. It used to be most of our stores were 2,000 or 3,000 square feet and they’d say, “Matthew, we’d like to go a bit bigger,” so they’d go to 4,000 square feet. Now these stores are 3,000, 4,000 square feet, they say, “Matthew, we’d like to go a bit bigger.” So 6,000? No, 16,000, 20,000. These stores are getting huge because they see not only is the store generating business from the premises but it is hugely influencing these quality eyeballs. And frankly, whether people buy it in the store or in their hotel or fly back to whatever country they came from, the stores don’t care. The stores now have ways of better understanding how that experience they are curating in their own stores is translating to sales that may not be in the store.

Where do you like to shop? My whole family, for three generations, we’re business guys. A lot of folks just assume you are in the world of Chanel, Prada and Gucci, you probably know what the hottest trend is. I don’t know what the hottest trend is. Whenever a store opens here, I try to be a patron, so I have shopped at every single store. I don’t have a favorite.

What restaurants do you go to other than at your properties? We like both of the restaurants at the Surf Club — the Thomas Keller restaurant and Le Sirenuse — that bar there. They did that so well.

What is the most extravagant thing you have ever bought? That would be a helicopter. I’m also a pilot.

Where did you meet your wife? Kristin’s family is also an old Miami family, from Coral Gables. Her mom is a Colson, and there is a [law] firm Colson Hicks, so Bill Colson was my wife’s grandfather and Dean Colson, who is the current managing partner, is her uncle. Our parents knew each other when we were very young. We actually went to high school together but we were in different grades, so our paths didn’t really cross much then. After college we both overlapped in New York for a little bit, in 2001, and that would have been where the seed was planted.

What is the secret to a happy marriage? Obedience [laughing]. Obedience, love and understanding, probably in that order.

What is the best advice you have ever received? Both my father and my grandfather have been so full of sage advice: To understand what you are and what you’re good at, you’ve got to understand what you aren’t, and what you aren’t good at. And you’ve got to be willing to abandon it, so you can focus on what you are.

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