#I didn't even realize how badly I cannot fathom them

[bitedownme]

What if MC took the chance to be top for one round, aka they made a small deal if MC was able to get SK impressed or teased with MC being top, MC would be top for the whole week if they're gonna do the thing, and a stupid question too, how would SK ACTUALLY react to being a bottom for once?

Oh why am I not surprised to see this question. Why did I expect this.

He would never agree to change his position and role. Every single person in his domain is under his command, under his control. What even could lead to MC making that deal and him agreeing, I don't even know.

One thing is certain - if they have to, they need to be precise about what the deal is about. Because just being a top for a moment is not the same as being a dom, etc. So even if MC got a chance to be on top, that doesn't mean they get to have control over him. Because you can never get a God, so unwilling to let go of his position of dominance, to give it up.

And by that, I mean, MC will have to go by his rules anyway. He'll have them at bay with chain and a collar if he chooses so, they DO NOT get to touch him at all. And he will be much more snarky than he usually is, spitting red smoke right in their face. Just a reminder of their position, as if anything else wasn't enough already.

They probably won't get another chance to do so again.

And this NEVER leaves the confinement of his room.

[rise-my-angel]

can we please talk about how jon probably cried to himself the first time he was alone after finding out about your pregnancy (in both aus) like he genuinely cant believe or fathom he deserves it and cannot believe something he wants and has desired belongs to him

To keep it a bit of a secret leading up to it, I obviously withheld the information of when Jon found out and his reaction, but in the main series it is very emotional for him. He's also extremely conflicted.

Deep down, he wants this. He knows he wants this, he's always wanted this with you. But he never thought he'd have it. He lived his adult life knowing being a father would never happen and certainly not with you. Having your love is already one thing, but he realized your pregnant and Jon almost shut down trying to figure out what he felt.

It didn't make sense, he wasn't supposed to have anything like that and yet there he was. Then he thought, you took his name. You took his name his child will only have one name if going by tradition, and it made him panic. Everyone would just see them as the child of a bastard, and he never wanted that he never wanted it for them or you. He wasn't Robb, he couldn't give you everything you deserved even as King now.

But he wanted this so badly. He wanted to have this child and after spending nearly an hour in a silent breakdown over it, he realized tears had been falling. He still didnt know if he deserved it, but he had to be prepared for when you found out. He needed to be ready no matter if he had even comprehended this was something he was allowed to have.

Until his son was in his arms for the first time, Jon never really came to terms with this being something he was allowed to have. Even now, he still struggles with it. Terrified the day someone says his child is nothing but a bastards son and that you deserved better.

[zalrb]

This is kind of weird and I’m going to preface this with saying that I think your writing is absolutely excellent. If I were Elena in your Steferine fics, I don’t think I’d be able to seriously believe Stefan loved me because of how addicted he is to Katherine. I know the purpose of the fic isn’t a HEA Stelena and that it’s meant to hurt her because it’s Stefan and Damon choosing Katherine over her, and if I were Elena, I wouldn’t be able to get over that, if that makes sense. Like I know Stelena have this bond, this soulmate love and Steferine is ultimately obsession and great sex and I don’t think Stefan needs to validate Elena when she chose his brother over him and Elena does need to face consequences for her actions, but Idk, after seeing them both with Katherine in the context of your fic (Stefan continuing to see her despite Elena’s objections and jealousy, Damon actively pining after her, hell even Matt agreeing to hook up with her), I would just rethink everything in my life and just leave town. I know Elena wouldn’t do that because she loves Stefan and would stay and fight for him, but after it was all over, I think she would, just for a little bit. Everyone who has ever claimed to love her has in a sense picked Katherine over her, never mind that she picked Damon over them because Elena is nothing if not a hypocrite, and I think that would eat at Elena long after it was over and Katherine was gone.

I’m not requesting that you write this or anything, this is just a badly worded way of saying I think the sheer hurt you manage to insert into your writing is nothing short of masterful, that if I were in that character’s place I would be utterly unable to take it. Ngl, sometimes I have a hard time reading it because I cannot fathom what I would do in Elena’s situation, but then again if I were Elena I would have tried to run over Damon with my car in 1x04.

Idk if this is the kind of engagement that you want from your readers, but I thought I’d say something. I hope I didn’t come off as critical of your writing because that is so not the case, you are absolutely incredible and these are just my deranged musings. Is there anything I can do to better engage with your stories? I do like and reblog them but in terms of commentary/discussion, what are you looking for and how can I do it?

Oh, this is great engagement, thank you! But who says it's not an HEA for Stelena? 😉 (I'm not saying it is either! but it's more like Steferine is the prominent relationship in the fic rather than Stelena).

I get what you're saying, though, because I definitely dial everything to a hundred in that series (even though I sometimes wonder if I go far enough haha) while keeping it as in character as possible for a scenario like this while also kind of being like, if we're going to be honest about what all these people mean to each other and really looked at how these people reacted to each other, the outcomes of these dynamics would be extremely messy and extremely painful. And that means Elena is taking some pretty hard Ls and actually has to deal with the emotional consequences of them.

But in the same regard what makes Stelena Stelena is that they stay through circumstances where other people would leave. Like, Caroline, for instance, isn't staying through something like this, not with Stefan, not with Tyler, that's just not who she is. And I certainly would just take my L and go, haha.

But Elena's journey through the series is fun because when it starts, she's just sick with jealousy, and she's just indignant and angry and reactive and realizing that she made a choice to be with Damon and fully feeling the loss of Stefan, like it really sinking in for her that she made the wrong choice and that she didn't think of what losing Stefan would actually feel like and mean

Stefan sighed and shook his head. “Elena. Katherine’s right, you made your choice. You moved on. You didn’t think I’d move on too?”

Elena gritted her teeth putting her hands to her head. “I just didn’t think it would–”

“Rip your heart out?”

Elena didn’t say anything and only looked at him, devastated. 

so the in "Toxic" she's here

but I make it a point for Stefan to explain that what he feels for Katherine isn't love, it isn't even affection, which in its own way makes Elena lose her mind

“I can’t believe you’re defending her! What, you have feelings for her again?”

Stefan rubbed his temples. “This isn’t about having feelings—”

“No?” Elena yelled. 

“No!” He insisted. “I know who she is, Elena, I’m not falling for her, OK?”

“OK, so it’s not about revenge, it’s not about emotions then what could it possibly be–”

“Maybe we just have great fucking sex!”

Elena flinched as if struck and Stefan closed his eyes, still indignant but regretful.

but she knows that despite it being intense, it's not necessarily profound.

Which is why in "Choices" when they meet and they have their shared memory of a previous Valentine's Day, what that night meant, what the sex they had on that night meant, when he confirms that nothing like that is happening with Katherine, she's still jealous but she's relieved

“OK, let’s just say I’m not releasing two dozen doves for anyone.” 

“Or going to any Victorian balls,” she whispered.

Their eyes glistened as if they were sharing the same memory of that night, the ballroom, the dancing, the feel of the bookshelves, of the fabric of the chaise, the ripe, wet urgency of their lovemaking…

“No,” he said finally, lowering his gaze. “Nothing like that.”

Elena’s relief was only outmatched but the nagging curiosity – if she could even call it that – about what he was doing and who with, she didn’t want to know but also wanted to with her whole being. 

and then in "Blood", when she sees the blood sharing, it breaks her brain

Elena had never thought of it before, Stefan drinking from someone who wasn’t her, someone drinking from him like she’d done. Sharing that kind of intimacy. Elena’s vision went off-kilter, the world tilted off its axis.

Was this how Stefan had felt when he’d found out about her and Damon? She didn’t know what that had meant at the time, not really, but Stefan did know, he knew now and he still …

The moment was over.

Everything happened quickly.

Elena sped forward and dragged Katherine away by her neck, ignoring the cries from Stefan and Caroline and Bonnie for her to stop.

but what's more is that even in the midst of all of this, they're still them, like it's not even just about a gaze, it's their physicality, it's impossible for them to not be them even when she just wants to be enraged and even when he's over his head in a toxic cycle

and then suddenly the pain was gone. Stefan threw Katherine to the side, her body crashing into the wall, and helped Elena up, bringing her to a corner, inspecting her head, her face, saying frantically, “It’s OK, you’re OK.”

Elena kept trying to push forward but Stefan held her back, his arms around her, He stood still as a rock, allowing her to battle against him until she started to calm, to feel the recognizable comfort of his arms around her and she eased into his embrace, unable to fight against the peace he’d always made her feel …

and then anger bloomed, anger at the familiarity, anger at the intimacy between them even now

and it's at this part where Stefan describes his relationship with Katherine at the moment as an addiction, which again inflames Elena's jealousy because he continues to see Katherine despite the wreckage and that's painful but it also catalyzes Elena into looking at the situation differently

“So, this is about getting back at me.”

“No, it’s not about that,” said Stefan firmly. “It has nothing to do with you, Elena, it’s about her, me and her.”

“What about you and her? What is it? What is this thing?” The images came to her again and Elena put her hand to her head.

“I don’t know,” said Stefan. “It’s score keeping, it’s – it’s, it’s kind of like an addiction.”

“An addiction?” said Elena, looking at him pained and alarmed.

so that when we get to "Boundaries" and Stefan is saying these hurtful things

“You don’t want me, Elena,” he said.

“Stop it,” she said.

“You just don’t want me with anybody else.”

“Stop. This isn’t you.”

“I’m your safety net, your sure thing, and you think it’s being taken away from—”

She slapped him. The action surprised her as much as it did him. Her hand stung. The sound of the impact still ringing in the air.

Firstly, he never talks about how he stopped loving her, he talks about how she stopped loving him. So kind of like 1x10 where she's like don't tell me how I feel to let yourself off the hook

Secondly, what he says

“We met. We fell in love. It was epic. And now it’s done. This,” he gestured between him and Elena. “Whatever this lingering … this …” He breathed heavily. “It’s done. We’re done.”

Elena nodded angrily. “Done.”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Finally.”

He looked at her. “Finally.”

And then he left.

still hurts but it's very reminiscent of how he acted in season 3

So, by this point in the fic, in Elena's mind, Stefan is going through another form of addiction. Katherine is an obstacle she needs to help him overcome because he never says that he loves her, he never even says that he likes her, and he admits that he isn't happy,

“I know that you’re not doing this to hurt me—”

“Good.”

“But this is what you want? Really?”

Stefan didn’t say anything right away. “Right now, yes.”

Elena’s lips trembled. “This is what makes you happy?”

“I never said that.”

it's just that he can't stop.

All the while they're having moments like this

She walked up to him, holding his face in her hands, pressing her forehead against his, and he exhaled like he’d just remembered how to breathe, just remembered what respite felt like. They stayed like that, drinking each other in, and then the door flew open, Katherine appearing.

and he's clearly affected by her, he's not indifferent, he's not hateful, he's not cold, he's in complete agony

“Elena, why are you he—”

“I don’t know why I’m here, I’m just here. That’s my point, Stefan. I had to be here because you were here. With her. You had to see me here.”

Stefan stared at her, at a loss. “I never did this to you.”

“Yeah, Caroline said the same thing.”

“I left my house. I left my town—”

“I know,” said Elena.

“So then why are you doing this to me?”

“Because throwing tables wasn’t enough. I’m not as stoic as you.”

so even though she's hurt and she's extraordinarily jealous, when he's having his outbursts, it's kind of like his blood lust outbursts

“What do you want to hear, Elena?” He was shouting. “You want to hear that it makes me sick? Well it does! But the rush I get? I can’t —” He took a deep breath. “I can’t stop! Is this what you mean? This is what you want to hear?”

same vibes as

“Fine, let’s talk about it! Let’s talk about how good the sex is, that I’ve had her every which way for hours on end and it’s still, somehow, not enough!  Let’s talk about how it feels like I’m addicted to her, like I’m hooked on the high I get when I’m around her! Let’s talk about how right now, I can’t see an end in sight! You really want to talk about that? You really want to hear that? Really? Do you want me to go on?”

Stefan burrowed his face in his hands, unable to bear the expression on her face. 

kind of like

and it's also a continuation of

and she repeats that they don't give up on each other, that's not what they do

exacerbated by the fact that she had chosen Damon.

What I think you had to suspend disbelief the most for is when she waits outside Katherine's apartment for him but I just saw it as her wanting to see his reaction when he sees her, to see if he really had moved on and it's the complete opposite

Elena.

Stefan felt the ground shift beneath his feet.

“Please don’t tell me you’ve been out here the entire time.”

She only looked up at him, teary-eyed, but the devastation in that simple motion was all the answer he needed,

he confirmation a lance through his chest. He could only exhale, anguished and overwhelmed. “Elena—”

so basically this series' Wickery Bridge

which is all to say this fic is as much about what SE can withstand as it is about the fun toxic psychosexual power dynamics between SK and how the two things feed each other and the point is kind of that no one else would be able to get through this but SE (if they do!)

In terms of engagement, commentary and discussions like this are great! Thanks for the ask :)

[ari-the-rockstar]

I've realized a few weeks ago that the reason I only am romantically interested in girls is because of the way men have been shown to me by my father.

I'm female, and have had tons and tons of female friends--and my mother was never really sexually weird with me until after I was about ten. But my father always had some sick joy and fun out of making me very obviously uncomfortable from sexual depictions, teaching me sex words (when I was four I asked him what "c*ck" meant because he was yelling at my mom to s*ck her dad's c*ck--ew, btw--and he told me what it meant, accusing me of liking it when I giggled (if you've ever been near children, you know how they find anything "private" hilarious)) and more. He would keep shower doors wide open without telling me, so when I went to use the bathroom I'd see him naked and get yelled at for it.

It's not very easy to speak about, because I've always been afraid of people treating me with disgust, despite always trying my best to avoid it. Even to this day, he'll make uncomfortable sexual jokes, talk about my and my peers' bodies, and comment on whether their chests are big enough or not. Multiple times, he's told me I wasn't a "real girl" because I didn't have big hips and a huge chest (I am naturally a rectangle, and also not fully developed).

He'd talk about the objectifying ways he viewed women, telling me I was just like my mother, etcetera etcetera.

This is quite difficult to even acknowledge, so I'll try and explain it in the most vague way I can. My mom tasked my dad with showering me when I was four, and I remember my privates hurting and feeling incredibly painful after that. I won't go into more detail

Ever since then, boys have always been quite gross to me. Not even in the "ewww the opposite gender ewww" I mean I have literally considering self-immolation because of them. I do not like them looking at me at all, I do not like being near them, I cannot handle men in the same comfortable way I would a woman.

Despite all this, I still wish I had a father figure so badly, but not my dad. I wish I had someone who could wipe this from my mind and (I guess) make me perfect and straight again, someone to bless me and correct my disgusting "desires."

I hate being attracted to other women. I hate not being straight.

I hate all of this. All I had to do was be a conservative Christian and marry a man, have some kids, obey my parents wills, never get vaccinated ever, become a doctor/computer engineer, homeschool said kids, keep internet away as much as I could, live in Florida or Russia or India or my home state, get rid of all my scars completely, remove any and all mental illness, and then I'd be the perfect daughter. Typing this out, obviously this cannot be done by anyone.

I cannot believe in conspiracy theories such as the JFK thing or that 9/11 was faked, I cannot never get vaccinated again, I cannot submit myself to a man.

If I could just go back and not act like this. This is all my fault, every last bit of it.

I deserve this. I deserve to be in a stupid country who hates me for everything that I am, I deserve to suffer endlessly for not being good enough, and I deserve to never have any friends or anyone in my life. I am an evil, irredeemable, satanic person, who is just disgusting, and I cannot fathom ever being someone worthy of love.