#I definitely need some sort of counseling about it though this is literally on loop every fucking week at this point

[pearl-kite]

I want to take advantage of my new job's EAP for counseling, because I have been riding a roller coaster lately that's very closely tied to feeling weird about this job, but I. Can't just make an appointment online. I have to call. I can make other appointments at that hospital online. But not EAP. Uggghhhhhh

[ezatluba]

Pandemic Pet Therapy: What's So Special About A Critter Friend?

November 22, 2020

Karen McCullough never wanted a dog. "It would have tied me down, and I had a great, very busy life," she says.

Her career as a keynote speaker at conferences has taken her across the U.S., Canada and Mexico. "My job is to get everybody engaged, excited and ready to network," she says.

McCullough loved the travel — "cool hotels and not worrying about having anything at home," she says. "I don't even have any live plants in the house." As she sailed into 2020, she expected her best year yet.

Then "BOOM" — everything stopped, including conventions and conferences. The pandemic "took my life away," she says.

Karen McCullough found a way to alleviate the loneliness that was starting to sink in. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."

Karen McCullough

Living alone in Houston, she started feeling the stress — anxious and worried about money. On top of that, she couldn't see her three grandkids who live nearby. "I'm such an extrovert and it's just been crazy and hard."

The surprising solution, for McCullough and many other Americans in 2020, was often furry, with four feet: a pet dog or cat.

First, her son and his wife adopted a puppy. McCullough decided to do the same, quietly hoping that if she got a puppy, the grandkids "would want to come and visit me in the front yard." On Labor Day, 8-week-old Rosie, a Wheaten terrier, arrived.

Rosie opened a new world to McCullough — within just a few blocks. Strangers became new friends. "I know all my neighbors now," she says. "We have a routine and she gets me out there; we walk three times a day!"

The loneliness that had started to sink McCullough as the pandemic wore on is gone. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."

And there's some science to back up McCullough's feelings. Research from Australia finds the "pet factor" does bring people together in helpful ways: Pet owners are more likely to get to know people, form friendships and get the social support humans need.

Psychologist Lori Kogan, a professor of veterinary medicine at Colorado State University and chair of the Human-Animal Interaction Section of the American Psychological Association, has been cataloging stories like McCullough's during the pandemic.

Kogan and colleagues from Washington State University, University of San Francisco and Palo Alto University did two anonymous online surveys via social media to current pet owners — one regarding cats and another asking about dogs. The surveys asked participants to share their thoughts, experiences and concerns amid the pandemic.

They found a significant number of people reported feeling they have less social support from friends and family now than before COVID-19 spread across the U.S. For many, their pets have played a critical role in helping reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation and loneliness in these tough months.

Pets, Kogan says, are "a respite from the difficulties of life" and provide their human companions "an outlet to give." And while relationships with friends and family can be fraught, she says, "relationships with animals are simple."

Here are more stories of pet owners discovering animal companions can be the unsung therapists of these difficult times:

Get up and get moving: Dr. Gregory Brown and Kai

Dr. Gregory Brown is a psychiatrist in Austin, Texas, and a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric Association. Brown says he has been seeing an increase in anxiety, insomnia and depression among patients he has counseled in the past six months. "People are definitely dealing with economic stressors, a hard time with money, and with just being idle" — not getting out of the house much.

A dog "nudging at your foot or barking because they want to go for a walk" can be a real motivation every day to get out and get moving, he says. And that's good emotionally as well as physically. "We know physical activity can help reducedepression."

Kai has kept Dr. Gregory Brown out and about with a 6:30 a.m. wake-up call ... "when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes."

Gregory Brown

Though Brown says he's a fairly active guy, he found the reduced structure of these pandemic days meant he was getting to bed a bit later, getting up a bit later and sometimes letting his exercise schedule slide.

Then, about a month ago, he and his wife decided to adopt a 10-month old golden retriever/lab mix named Kai. Now, every day starts with her wake-up bark around 6:30 a.m., returning some sense of structure to their lives.

And Brown says that he spends at least some time outside daily, jogging and walking and that helps make the days seem "a bit more normal."

"She's just been a joy to be around when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes," he says.

Breaking through the isolation: Karol Kullberg and Molly

As a psychiatric social worker in Rockville, Md., Karol Kullberg has spent most of her work life in a small room, listening to patients face to face — work she finds rewarding and fulfilling, she says. When the pandemic hit, she was able to work from home — a blessing in some ways, but not others. Offering therapy online, via telehealth appointments, has been convenient, Kulberg says, but she also finds it isolating and somewhat alienating.

"It's intensely stressful — I think for everyone," she says. "Certainly for patients as well as therapists, who weren't particularly technologically adept or even comfortable using Zoom or other platforms."

Reading patients' facial expressions and body language can be more difficult she says, and without colleagues to talk to in between therapeutic sessions, "you're very aware that you are suddenly working in a vacuum." Kullberg doesn't say she's lonely. She says it's more like being "profoundly alone."

By the end of March when it became clear that staying at home would be the norm for quite a while, she decided to adopt a dog.

Enter Molly, a 5-year-old terrier mix who "came right into my home, was perfectly well-behaved, perfectly housebroken, and even welcomed my cat — who didn't return the favor."

For Kullberg, Molly was "like getting something you didn't know you missed; you forgot how wonderful it was to have something you didn't notice until all of a sudden it's there again."

She finds Molly an extremely comforting presence, "like having somebody's arm around your shoulder without having to say anything. Sort of like a dance partner you don't have to teach; they just figure it out."

Today, Kullberg says she no longer feels alone. "I get up in the morning and Molly curls up in her bed and we go to work."

A source of joy amid grief: Peggy Pacy & Emmet

"My glorious chow chow mix died at the end of January and I was heartbroken" says Peggy Pacy, who initially planned to let some time pass before getting another dog. But, "a heart needs to love," she says, "and I started looking."

At the end of February she adopted a large and fluffy Great Pyrenees mix — she named him Emmet. It was just before lockdown in Washington, D.C., where Pacy lives and works as an independent producer of commercials. Emmet arrived "just in time" says Pacy, who lives alone. "No question, it's very easy to go down the dark path in the world we're in today."

Early on in the pandemic, the first three minutes of every morning would start with a "mild panic" she says. But then a "giant white paw lands on my shoulder and I wonder if it is possible to literally feel serotonin," she says, referring to one of the neurotransmitters thought to help stabilize mood.

Emmet spends much of his time chasing flies, unearthing clothing Pacy had forgotten she owned, and making friends with neighborhood kids — just watching him is diverting, she says. "All day long the kids drop by and yell for Emmet."

Even in times of despair, Emmet makes a difference. "I'm standing in my front hall, lost in thought ... wondering if I will ever work again, if my small business loan will be approved, if I will have to sell my house. And then, gazing in the direction of my couch, Emmet decides that a long slow back flip to the floor is in order." His antics pierce the grief and remind her to stay in the moment, she says — " be grateful for what I have."

Pacy has a Post-it on her door that says: "I have health insurance; my cabinets are full of food; I have a home; I have Emmet. This makes me happy."

A new focus to replace anxiety: Devin Green and Taco

Taco has kept Devin Green busy and her anxiety at bay. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind."

Devin Green

Devin Green, a small business consultant and life coach, who lives in Portland, Maine, started looking for a dog to adopt in May. After many false starts, a close friend helped her find the dog of her dreams, a miniature goldendoodle (a cross between a golden retriever and a small poodle).

Taco has "changed my life in ways I never expected," says Green. As he grows, his puppy fur is getting replaced by adult dog fur which can get matted. So Green brushes him nightly, giving — and recieving — needed physical touch. "If I'm having a bad day, he's very warm and snuggly."

She sometimes struggles with anxiety, she says, and soothing the pup's needs helped her get beyond that. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind," she says. "My brain space is now taken up by something far more productive than it used to be."

Green says she used to panic a little if she didn't have plans for the day, but Taco has introduced her to the neighborhood and helped her feel more a part of the community. Every morning, they walk to the nearby fire station — a big loop, Green says. "The fire station is his favorite place."

Taco runs inside and "loves on all the firefighters and they love him back. I had never even spoken to any of them before but now we're all buddies."

Choosing the right pet for you: advice from the "falcon whisperer"

As executive director of the Abu Dhabi Falcon Hospital in the United Arab Emirates, veterinarian Dr. Margit Gabriele Muller is known as her nation's "falcon whisperer." But her love for animals is thoroughly inclusive. She is the author of a new book, Your Pet, Your Pill: 101 Inspirational Stories About How Pets Can Lead You to a Happy, Healthy and Successful Life.

A falcon wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, Muller notes. "Falcons are good for people who can be extremely dedicated, adhere to strict time schedules and have a great understanding of the falcons' special needs and requirements," she says, noting that dogs, too demand the right kind of human companion.

"It's of utmost importance to find the right pet according to the person's personality, as well as personal circumstances and environment," she says. "This means if you don't have much time and you live in a very small apartment, a dog is not suitable for your lifestyle, and a cat, bird, rabbit or fish would be better for you."

All pets — dogs, cats, fish, rabbits, birds, snakes and, yes, falcons — can help people overcome numerous emotional and physical challenges, Muller says. And certainly during the global pandemic, when people are feeling locked down, isolated and lacking in human connection, pets can make a world of difference.

Just playing with a pet for five minutes or petting the animal for five minutes can reduce blood pressure and increase hormones associated with contentment research suggests.

Oxytocin, sometimes called the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," is oftenreleased with a gentle touch. And it's not just humans who benefit from increased oxytocin levels — dogs do too.

When you develop a bond with an animal companion, Muller says, you often get someone who "loves you unconditionally, who is there for you 24 hours a day, who doesn't mind how you look today," she says. "They are just there to love you and this brings a tremendous benefit for the entire family."

Withdrawn kids may particularly benefit. One family, she says, told her their son was always on the computer or iPad before they brought home a pet. Now he doesn't stop talking — about the pet.

"Once you plant that seed in children and they love animals and learn how to care for them, they learn responsibility," she says — skills that will prove incredibly valuable as they grow up.

[waveridden]

FIC: now i’m a stranger

Cib doesn’t need mandatory grief counseling. He doesn’t. And he’s not going to get anything out of this support group, either. A Go On AU. 3.5k. Cib/Parker, Cib&Autumn.

content warning: discussion of grief/death, pre-fic character death

AUcember || title lyric || Ao3

#

On what’s supposed to be Cib’s first day back at work, Sami Jo sits him down and says, “You can’t come back to work.”

“What?” Cib scoffs. “Uh, I’m here, can’t get rid of me now, it’s my new home.”

“That’s what we’re trying to avoid,” Sami Jo says patiently. “We’ve got people filling in for the show while you’re gone, so you don’t need to worry about us.”

“I wasn’t worried about the show,” Cib says, because he definitely has bigger things to worry about than the show. He loves his job, sure, but not as much as he loves - well. “I’m telling you, I’m ready to go, lemme play some funky fresh music.”

“Cib,” Sami Jo says, and then nothing, like that’s supposed to prove her point.

“I’m fine,” Cib insists. “Back at work, lemme on the air, ready to get back flying-”

“Cib,” she says, and he knows what’s coming next just from the horrible, gentle way she says it, “your husband died.”

“I am well aware of that,” Cib says, sharply enough that he hopes it hides the stab in his chest at the reminder. “I’m just saying, the best way to deal with this is for me to cruise on through.”

“You can cruise.” Sami Jo slaps a paper down on her desk. “Cruise right on down to this support group.”

“To what?”

“Support group,” Sami Jo repeats. “You’re gonna talk about your feelings.”

Cib snorts. “Uh, I don’t even talk about my feelings with you.”

“I know,” Sami Jo says, and Cib feels… bad, for a second. Sami Jo might manage the radio station, so she’s his boss, but she’s also his friend, and this is the kind of thing he should be relying on his friends for. But he doesn’t need that. Because he’s fine. “But it’s going to be better if you talk to strangers.”

“I would never.”

“You’re a radio DJ, your job is talking to strangers.”

“No,” Cib says, “my job is making strangers listen to me. Totally inverted.”

“Yeah, invert this.” Sami Jo turns the paper around on her desk. “Ten sessions. Get this signed. I found the numbers of a few local groups, you can pick whatever ones you want, go to however many you feel like. But you have to talk to someone about this.”

Cib snatches up the paper and looks it over. It looks pretty solid, like it’s the kind of thing he can’t fake or get out of doing. “But-”

Sami Jo sighs. “Listen, I didn’t want to do this, but I’ve gotta pull out the big one here.”

“Ooooh.” Cib leans back in his chair. “C’mon, big one.”

“You gotta promise not to kill me.”

“Sure, sure.”

Sami Jo drums her fingers on the desk and then looks Cib square in the eye. He barely has the time to think oh, shit before she says, “Parker wouldn’t want you dealing with this alone.”

“Fuck you,” Cib says on autopilot, because he is completely over hearing the words “Parker wouldn’t want,” before his brain catches up. “You don’t get to-”

“Tell me I’m wrong.” Sami Jo leans back in her chair. She at least looks contrite, but her jaw is stony and set. “Come on, Cib, tell me I’m wrong.”

He can’t. He can’t, and she fucking knows it, because Parker is- fuck, Parker was the one person who made Cib want to feel shit, and talk about the shit he was feeling, and made it all feel okay. And Sami Jo is the closest he has to that, now.

“Ten sessions?”

“I won’t even call bullshit if you get them magically all done in a week,” she says. “This is partly management shit, partly because I’m worried. I just need to know that you tried.”

He looks back down at the sheet. “Can I quit?”

“Sure,” Sami Jo says. “Bye.”

“Do I still get paid?”

“Cib-”

“I’ll go,” Cib says. Before he can regret it. “I’ll go.”

Sami Jo sighs in relief. “Thank you.”

“Now, can I work today, or-”

“Go home.”

“Nope.” Cib loops a foot around one leg of Sami Jo’s desk. “I live here now, and you’re working on my new bed.”

“You’re not sleeping on my desk.”

“I’m sleeping on my new bed.”

“Get out,” Sami Jo says, but at least she’s smiling when she says it.

#

Cib… hasn’t been doing so great lately.

Which is fine by outside standards. His husband died twenty-nine days ago and most of the time that weight isn’t too heavy to carry around. He can cook his own food and show up at work, and act like he’s supposed to. In fact, if you look at him without knowing him he probably looks like he’s in damn good shape. Like he’s functioning.

Maybe that’s the red flag, to the people who know him well.

But the thing is, Parker’s fucking dead. And all Cib can see are the places that he isn’t anymore. He hasn’t thrown out the groceries that Parker bought the weekend before, even though they’re turning brown and probably literally rotting. He hasn’t cleaned up the pile of Parker’s laundry in their closet. He hasn’t really gone in their bedroom in the last month, honestly, because all that’s left is empty space and he’s so tired of empty spaces.

(There’s a voice in the back of his head that sounds like Parker. It’s the voice that tells Cib that it’s okay to slow down and grieve, that he doesn’t have to pretend he’s fine if it means sleeping on the couch and getting that permanent kink in his neck that he always complained about. It’s the voice that tells Cib to take goddamn care of himself.

Cib ignores that voice. Because it’s not Parker, so there’s no point in listening.)

#

The leader of the life transition support group is a tall, skinny guy named Steven who looks like he thoroughly doesn’t want to be where he is. Cib can relate.

“We’re gonna get started in a couple minutes, so take a seat,” Steven says, gesturing at the the circle of seats that are set up. “And-”

Cib holds the paper out. “Sign this?”

Steven skims it and then raises his eyebrows at Cib. “So you’re being forced into this?”

“My job thinks I’m handling grief poorly,” Cib says, trying to convey how completely laughable that is. “I’m fine! I’m back at work after a month, baby, I’m golder than a goose.”

“Wow,” Steven says. “You really, really need external help processing your emotions.”

Cib laughs. “Good one, Stevie.”

“Don’t-”

“Sign the paper?”

“I’ll sign it at the end of the session,” Steven says, in a brooks-no-argument sort of voice. “If you stick around. You gotta actually show up.”

“Wow,” Cib says. “That’s bullshit.”

“Thanks.” Steven motions at the chairs again. “Go.”

Cib goes. There’s an empty chair next to a woman with long hair, gazing into mid-distance wistfully. Cib decides he likes her immediately and plops down. “So what’s up with-”

“Wasting your time, dude,” says the guy on the woman’s other side. Cib leans forward, and he shakes his head. “Autumn doesn’t talk.”

“Why not?”

“That’s for her to tell you.”

“Uh, I don’t know sign language, and I can’t read, so that’s not going to work.”

“Tough,” other guy says. “She’s nice, it’s too bad you can’t understand her.”

Lightning-fast, Autumn raises a hand and smacks on the other guy’s leg, hard. He lets out a yelp and rubs his leg, glaring at her. Autumn doesn’t say anything, or even look at him, but Cib can still somehow tell that she’s laughing at the guy. She’s definitely, definitely his favorite person here.

“So what’re you in for?” Cib asks. He tries to make eye contact with Autumn, but she’s busy with her whole not-looking thing, so he skates his eyes across to the other guy.

Other guy blinks at him. “Well, see, I used to be a Water Warrior, back in the day, back in ‘nam-”

“James,” Steven says warningly, sitting down in a chair across the circle.

James deflates. “Okay,” he mumbles.

“Tell Cib why you’re here.”

“Because I’m a pathological liar,” James says, in the tones of someone who has had this conversation countless times. “And apparently it’s disrespectful to the actual Water Warriors to say you used to be one of them, even though-”

“We’re still working on it,” Steven says, mostly to Cib.

Cib nods wisely. “Sounds like you’re, uh, still in the shallows of this problem.”

“Treading water, as it were.” Steven sighs. “Goddammit, isn’t one of our rules no puns?”

“No puns!” repeats a blond guy, glasses askew. He blinks once or twice and focuses on Cib. “You’re new.”

“Maybe you’re the new one,” Cib says.

“No,” blond guy says forcefully. “I’ve been here before.”

“One of the rules is no confusing Jamie,” James stage-whispers. “It doesn’t take much to do, so you gotta avoid doing it on purpose.”

“What if Jamie’s confusing me?”

Jamie’s entire face contorts. Steven’s shoulders sag. “Wow, you are… not gonna make this easy for me, huh?”

“I have never made anything easy,” Cib says, because he’s pretty sure it’s true. Might be the only completely true thing he says for this whole meeting.

“Fine,” Steven says. “Cib, you’re the new guy here, introduce yourself. What do you do, and why are you here?”

“Easy.” Cib leans forward. “I’m Cib, I’m a radio DJ, and no, I will not play your bar mitzvah, although I do own two and a half guitars.”

James raises his hand. “Half a guitar, is that a ukulele?”

“Excellent question!” Cib points at him. “It’s literally half a guitar.”

“Which half?”

“Not the half that works, I can tell you that.”

“Cib,” Steven says tiredly. “Why are you here?”

“Because my job’s not letting me work till I go to ten of these.”

“Life transition, asshole, what is your life transitioning?”

Cib opens his mouth, meaning to say something else glib and deflecting and win these people’s hearts over a little more. And instead, his traitorous mouth says all in a rush, “My husband died last month.”

Everyone - well, everyone except Autumn - does that… thing that they do when someone says something horrible and grief-stricken. That thing where it’s almost like they’re sighing “oh” even if they don’t say anything. James’s face melts into something worried. “Man, I’m sorry, dude.”

Cib considers saying “s’okay” for a second, but honestly, it’s not okay, and he doesn’t want these fucking strangers to know that. He’s going to have to tell Sami Jo what a disaster this is so she doesn’t make him come back.

“Okay, that’s a start,” Steven says, completely unhelpfully. “We’re not gonna push it, clearly everyone in this room is repressing something-”

“What about you?” Cib asks.

“My life transition is leading you assholes instead of being in the film industry.” Steven shrugs. “But people have graduated from this group before, so I must be doing something right. Let’s talk about our week in review, guys, we’ll see what actual progress we can make.”

Autumn’s fingers flutter against where they’re resting on her thigh. Somehow, Cib gets the impression that that means she doesn’t want to be here. “Me too,” he mumbles, and the corners of her mouth tick up into a smile.

#

The session is awful, but Cib gets his paper signed, and he’s known how to forge signatures since he was in middle school, so he can get the rest of that shit taken care of real quick. He’s almost gone - actually driving away - when he sees Autumn standing on the curb, not looking like she’s going towards anyone’s car. And it’s not like he has anywhere to be, so he pulls over to the curb and rolls his window down. “Hey!”

Autumn doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t look away, so Cib takes that as an opening. “You need a ride?” He unlocks the door and waits a few seconds, and sure enough, Autumn slowly opens the door and climbs in.

Cib hands her his phone. “Put in your address, I’ll get you where you’re going.”

It takes a few seconds, but Cib’s GPS chimes out, and he starts driving. It’s not a part of town that he visits often, but it’s not like he goes out driving in Los Angeles often. Especially not lately.

“So if you mind me asking,” he starts, about five minutes into the drive, “you can… hear, right?”

When he glances over, Autumn nods and brushes her hair back. There’s a hearing aid in her ear, and Cib doesn’t know anything about hearing aids, but it looks nice.

“Sleek,” he says appreciatively. “And you can understand words?”

Another nod. Cib nods with her. “That’s cool, that’s cool. You know, I’m a radio DJ, I play music for people, so I’m really fucking bad at listening, but if you don’t talk, I think we get along fine. Or can you talk?”

Autumn doesn’t react for a minute. Cib’s about to shrug it off and start critiquing whatever radio station he can find (because whatever it is, he can definitely critique it) when she says, softly, “Not much.”

“That’s fine,” Cib says, because it’s fine. “I’m used to being the talker, you know? Talking has more wisdom than listening, which in turn has more wisdom than fishing, not that I have anything against fishing, it’s a relaxing time, but-” Autumn laughs, quietly, and Cib can’t help but laugh with her. “Yeah, I know, fishing is bullshit.”

She shrugs at him. Cib grins. “I don’t go fishing much,” he says, because if they’re on this, they might as well stay on this. “You know, teach a man to fish and he never works a day in his life, but I work too much to go fishing. It’s the ultimate ironing. And my husband-” and there’s the way his lungs seize up, the way his brain screams to abort mission, the normal shit he has to push through as part of moving on- “fucking hated fishing. Said it was too much waiting. Which was crazy, because he was-” he hates past tense, more than anything- “the most patient person I ever knew.”

“It’s boring,” Autumn says. Her voice is still soft, a little rough, and she’s not quite looking at Cib, but there’s a smile at the edge of her mouth.

Cib glances at her sidelong. “You go fishing a lot?”

She shakes her head.

“Ever?”

Autumn shrugs.

“I kind of miss fishing,” Cib says, more to himself than to Autumn. “Should go sometime.”

“You don’t think the group will help,” Autumn says suddenly.

Cib, in the process of braking for a red light, has to stop himself from slamming the brakes. “Uh, that’s because it… didn’t.”

“But you’re talking.”

“Well, yeah, I’m making conversation, giving you a ride home, that’s polite, isn’t it?”

Autumn shrugs. “You said more now than there.” And then, like that’s too much for her, she moves her hair back over her ears and tucks her feet up onto the passenger seat.

Cib glances at her. “What’re you in for, anyways? Loss? Life change?”

“Nervous breakdown,” she says, muffled by her knees. “I go because I need to practice being in a room with people again.”

“You doing okay in here with me?”

She nods. “Keep talking?”

Cib glances back at the road and tries to breathe through it. It’s the kind of thing Parker would say when he was tired, or when they were on road trips, or when he just wanted to hear Cib… talk. He loved listening to Cib talk.

“About anything?” he asks, and barely sees her nod again. The light turns green, and Cib takes the deepest breath he can manage. “I don’t actually like fishing that much. I don’t think anyone does, not when you have supermarkets with fish you don’t have to catch yourself. Not that I ever eat anything I catch - it’s California, I’m pretty sure anything I catch would be toxic to my liver and my dick.”

Autumn laughs again, face still tucked up against her knees. She’s smaller than Parker, way smaller. The seat is still moved as back as far as it could go. He used to complain about how long his legs were and how there wasn’t enough room in it. Autumn is tiny, compared to the space Parker used to take up. She’s not the same as him. But she still fills up some of that empty space.

He thinks, in passing, that she might be the first person he’s had in this car since Parker.

“I’m serious!” Cib protests, and he feels like laughing, something swelling up in his chest even though he wants nothing more than to sob. “I’m not gonna put anything in my mouth that doesn’t have steroids and antibiotics in it. It’s not healthy.”

“Anti-vegan,” she mumbles.

“Anti-vegans unite!” Cib throws a fist in the air, and it’s a shitty, stupid joke, but she smiles at it. “Gonna go to meat-packing plants and counter-protest the protesters!”

Autumn contributes maybe half a dozen more words for the next fifteen minutes it takes to get her home, but she looks… better, once they get there. Cib pulls to a stop in front of her apartment and she looks at him - not quite at him, maybe a little bit over his shoulder, but still towards him - and says, “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Cib drums his fingers. “How do you get to the group normally?”

“Uber, if I’m feeling okay.” She looks away and tugs her hair down over her face. “Steve, sometimes.”

Cib doesn’t want to go to this shitty support group again. He doesn’t need it. He knows that. But for some reason, he says anyways, “You want me to pick you up next week?”

Autumn blinks at him a few times. Cib shifts in his seat. “You know, just- listen, I’m a successful, rich dude, I have the time to spare and drive you around a little bit. Would it help?”

She blinks again and then slowly nods. Cib hands her his phone. “Send yourself a text or something so I can figure out when to come and pick you up.”

“Thank you,” Autumn says, voice small.

Cib looks away. He doesn’t know how to deal with this. “Yeah,” he says, and tries to ignore how rough his own voice is.

#

It’s not even a conscious choice. He doesn’t do it on purpose or anything. But as soon as he’s in the house he makes a beeline for the garbage bags, and then the fridge, and he dumps all the shit in there. The rotting bag of salad and the cucumber that’s basically liquid and everything else. Parker had been talking about - fuck, he should probably remember, a stir-fry or a primavera or something. Made jokes about how neither of them knew what a vegetable was anymore.

Cib dumps it all in the garbage and then takes the garbage out to the curb and then gets inside and locks the door and drops to the floor immediately. Autumn’s number is still in his phone, waiting for him, and he should probably text Sami Jo and tell her about how shitty most of the group was so she knows he went. He should probably make some progress on that.

“I’m proud of you,” says the ghost voice of Parker, in the back of his head. If Cib closes his eyes he can almost imagine him there, sitting next to him, one hand resting on Cib’s arm, a knee pressed up against his, fuck. “You’re doing good, you know that?”

“I miss you,” Cib says, hoarse and too damn honest. “So much.”

Ghost Parker squeezes Cib’s wrist and he wishes more than anything it were real. “Yeah, you too.”

It’s a couple hours before Cib can pick himself up off the floor. But he gets up anyways.

#

Steven doesn’t say anything when Cib and Autumn walk into the group together the next week, only raises his eyebrows. (Autumn said maybe a sentence during the whole car ride, but he gets the feeling he’s still going to be the one who heard her talk the most today.)

“Listen,” Cib says, voice low. “I don’t- I still don’t think this is right for me.”

“But you came back,” Steven says.

After a second, Cib nods. “This bullshit might work.”

“That’s my approach to my whole life.” Steven reaches out and squeezes Cib’s shoulder. “You’re gonna get through this, dude. This group is good people, even though we all kind of suck.”

“Including you?”

“Oh, absolutely including me, haven’t you met me?”

Cib grins. “Steve-o, I think you and I are gonna get along just fine.”

“Gross,” Steven says, and he’s not smiling, but Cib can feel him smiling anyways. “Go sit down.”

“Aye-aye, cap’n.” And Cib goes over to where Autumn is, where she has a hand on a chair next to her. Like she’s saving space for him.