#I can’t believe I forgot how both girls at some point also gain some level of spiritual control over their respective demonic love interests

[valerietompson]

If I had a nickel for every time a modern-day, shrine dwelling, Japanese school girl with spiritual powers went time traveling 500 years into the past and garnered the affection of an irritable white haired, canine-adjacent demon character, I’d have 2 nickels.

[simpingforsoftboys]

Love Me, Love Me Not

ft. Kuroken

G/N Reader

TW: Insecurities... I think that’s it?

Read This First

Mini Series Here

Okay part 2/4 for the continuation of “Toxic Things They Do” request. This is probably the hardest one for me because I’m better at writing Kuroken x reader on a platonic level aha. Not proofread because your girl is a slacker-

You’re sitting on the floor of your living room, staring at the tv while Kenma plays on the new PS5 he bought. He’s seated in Tetsuro’s lap, the dark haired male is busy yapping his ear off- to which Kenma lets out small hums of acknowledgement every once in a while to show he’s listening. You want to join them up there, somehow the couch seems so far away from you. Like a pillar high in the sky- only serving to show off what you can’t ever really have. It seems a little dramatic to be thinking that way, sure, but you have a valid reason to put it in such a manner. You know, since you’re allergic to leather and all.

Tetsuro was always so caring, constantly doting on the ones he loves. With his trashy puns, troublesome smirk, and sparkling eyes that promised a good time, he was perhaps the ideal man. He gave his all for those he cared for, seemingly nothing about him was selfish... and yet the leather couch had been Tetsuro’s idea- he had always been fond of the material after all. Even when you brought up the whole issue of you being allergic to it- he still insisted that they purchase a leather sofa. 

“We’ll just buy you a separate arm chair or something.” Kenma had said after listening to the both of you argue back and forth. “It’s not like we don’t have the money.” It hurt more looking back on it now than it did at the time. It was an unreasonable solution, but it wasn’t like Kenma was going to disagree with Kuroo. He never did. At least when it came to you that is.

You continue staring at them. There’s something about the way that Tetsuro gazes at Kenma that just screams love and contentment. He’s never looked at you that way- even back when you were in denial you knew that much. Kenma never had to do what you would need to in order to keep his attention on him. All Kenma needed to do was exist- unlike you- he never had to earn dear Kuroo’s love. 

Tetsuro only doted on those he loved. He loved Kenma. And he only seemed to love you when Kenma wasn’t around.

“Y/n...” The messy haired male called, long arms winding around your torso. “Let’s go to the arcade! I made some reservations- we have the whole place to ourselves for a few hours.” 

You remember being excited at the time- finally you would get to go on a date with Tetsuro. It had been so long since your last one. 

“Really? That’s awesome! Let me just get dressed.” You slipped into a pair of jeans and a band t-shirt before hurrying to meet Kuroo at the door. “Tetsu I’m-”

“I can’t believe you got called in so last minute. It’s too late to cancel the reservations already kitten.” Kuroo whines into the phone, obviously talking to Kenma. “Yeah I’m just bringing Y/n, no point in wasting money... oh? Okay see you later. Love you kitten~”

Needless to say, your day seemed a lot less exciting after overhearing that conversation.

Kuroo gently nudged the smaller male aside, standing up to go use the restroom. The two of you made eye contact briefly, he winked playfully before continuing on his way to the bathroom. Your gaze fell upon Kenma- who was still rapidly pushing buttons and triggers on his controller. 

Kenma had always been elusive. It was one of the things that drew you into him. He looked so uncaring about everything, at first you couldn’t even have imagined that he would be so attentive to every detail. Was it a trait he had gained from Tetsuro or vice versa? People do say lovers begin sharing habits over time. At first you could barely distinguish one of his expressions from another, but as you spent more time in his company you found much more than you could have hoped. You discovered that he was constantly changing, learning to be more expressive. Each time you thought you had him figured out- he had already developed beyond that.

The minuscule way his lips would upturn when he was amused soon changed into a hidden smile, chuckles threatening to escape his throat. Then that changed to a slightly wider one, showing the smallest amount of his teeth. Eventually he learned to forgo his embarrassment entirely- and he would laugh freely, all teeth, heart, and soul, in it. Yes, Kenma was a constantly evolving individual- like the ever changing maze in the maze runner. There was seemingly no escape to him- just twists and turns and dead ends. He was impossibly deep- a promise of a myriad of mysteries within his eyes. 

But you were just another runner- doomed to be lost in the maze- but never to escape it. Kuroo on the other hand was something else. He was on a completely different level- skilled in his knowledge of Kenma- able to come and go as he pleased. You doubted he’d ever wanted to escape. Neither did you- at first. 

Out of the two of them, Kenma had always been more receptive of you. It had surprised even Kuroo himself actually. You didn’t doubt Kenma’s love for you- not like you doubted Tetsuro’s- but you also knew that he’d never care for you as much as he did Kuroo. It showed in the little things.

“Y/n did you want to play with me?” Kenma’s soft voice carried over where you were- snuggled up in blankets, playing Animal Crossing while sitting in your arm chair. He had his own red and blue Switch in his hands. Kuroo had been home at the time, you recall hearing him snoring away in your bedroom. “It’s been awhile since it was just us.”

You smiled at his words and agreed. The two of you visiting each others islands and irritating your beloved villagers. It was fun, spending time with Kenma, and you could tell that he was enjoying himself- and not just because of the game. He would shoot you shy, soft smiles when he thought you weren��t looking. It was those smiles that really kept you clinging onto the sinking ship that was your relationship. 

Kenma loved you.

The smiles directed towards Kuroo were different. They weren’t shy- instead they were familiar and open. Kenma had known Kuroo far longer than he had you. The comfort he took in him was of an entirely separate magnitude. Naturally, this was the same with the amount of love he held for him too. 

He looked happier with Kuroo than he did with you.

Maybe it’s because of that fact that you decided to break the news to Kenma first. Making sure that your skin was covered with you long sleeves, pants, and socks, you made your way over to where Kenma was seated. His eyes tore away from the screen to stare at you worriedly. 

“Y/n your allergies-” He began.

“It’s fine, as long as my bare skin doesn’t touch the leather.” You reply, sitting beside him. You know you shouldn’t- not when you’re about to say this- but you yank him into a hug anyways. You hug Kenma tight and hard, because he’s the only one in this relationship that might even love you a sliver as much as you love him. He tries to turn, so that he can embrace you too- but you won’t let him, opting to pin his arms down with your own. It’ll hurt too much to do this if you let him hold you. 

“Y/n what’s wrong?” He asks and he looks at you like you’re the only one in the world for that moment. Bitterly, you wonder if this is what it feels like to be in Kuroo’s shoes. Yet again, you are reminded that while this is a rare sensation for you- it’s a daily occurrence between the two of them- looking at each other like they hung the stars up in the sky- that is. 

“I have to tell you something Kenma.” You murmur, licking your lips. “But first I’m going to let you go, right after I try to memorize what you feel like against me. And you have to promise not to try to hug me after that okay?” 

“W-why? What’s wrong Y/n?” He struggles again, fear overtaking his heart at your words. “What is it?”

“J-just promise me. You can be mad, you can cry, hell you can even laugh afterwards. But don’t try to reach out and hug me okay?” He’s never seen you so serious, so he nods his head. 

“I promise.” He agrees and stops fighting against you. You do your best to memorize this- the feeling of him in your arms. He’s warm and despite his lithe figure he’s firm against you. His hair is smooth and soft- since you had managed to drill into him how important hair maintenance was- it smells like his pricey conditioner. You rest your cheek against his for a long moment, before forcing yourself to pull away from him entirely. The half blonde abides by his promise, but it’s clear that he wants to reach out to you.

“This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.”

“What are you saying?” Kenma’s anxious now, eyes searching for answers in your own pools of e/c. 

“But you have Tetsuro... I don’t know how he’ll feel about this- but he’ll probably be furious with me.” You continue, heavy tears slipping from your tear ducts. “I don’t think this is working out Kenma-”

“What did I do?” He asks, wide eyed and desperate- you can hear the pain in his tone. “Did you fall out of love with me- with us?” The angel and devil perched on your shoulders agree that you should lie to him- tell him ‘yes, I did fall out of love with you.’ The angel says it’s better to do it this way, to spare him the pain of knowing what you went through. While the devil thinks you should say it in the most vicious way possible- to give back all the pain, the unworthiness they made you experience. But you refuse to listen, no one deserves to suffer through your insecurities.

“I’m still in love with you two.”

There’s tears spilling from both of your eyes now.

“Then why-”

“It’s because I’m not content anymore.” It’s not the full truth but it’s better than a lie right? You forgot that a half truth is a whole lie. 

“I think we deserve the truth.” Kuroo says from the entrance of the living room, he’s leaning against the doorway, arms crossed. “Not some half assed explanations.” 

“Right...” You agree, blinking back your tears. “I’m so grateful for you two. Tetsuro you’re so caring and selfless, you give your heart in everything you do- I’d be lying to say that I’m over you. Kenma you’ve always been so attentive and I won’t lie- something about you just makes me want to appreciate you endlessly. But babes, you’ve been in love for so long- I can’t possibly catch up.” 

Kuroo’s expression is shocked, not expecting this. “Y/n-”

“No, please listen.” You ask of him- just this once- to listen to you. Luckily for you he does. Kenma looks like he wants to speak up too, but swallows his words. It’s the first time they’ve let you get a word in without getting defensive. Kinda poetic if you think about it. Your last 'argument’ as a throuple and the first time they’ve been able to let you say your piece.

“Tetsu, it’s clear Kenma’s your first and foremost priority. I don’t even know if what we have is love or admiration- but it’s not what I’m looking for.” You give him a sad smile and he discovers that it’s the most genuine one he’s seen from you.

“Y/n I-” He tries, only to get an impatient look from both you and Kenma. “Sorry, continue.”

“I’m a hypocrite to say this- but Kenma... this is harder to say because I’ve grown more attached to you overtime.” You hate yourself for what you’re about to say next- the hypocrisy you’re about to spew is enough to render your feelings null and void... or so you believe. “I never doubted with you- what we had... have... it’s definitely love.” 

Kenma looks ugly, his face is all scrunched up and theres snot and tears dripping down onto his lap. “It always was- still is Y/n.”

“I know baby.” You whisper back, it pains you to see him like this. “But you’re still more in love with Tetsu.” He can’t deny it either, that’s what pains him the most. “I love the both of you though. So I really do wish you the best. It’s the only thing I can do- because I can’t stay here and hold you back.”

Something inside of Kuroo’s heart cracks and he finds himself tearing up at your words. It hurts because you’re right. He doesn’t love you like that- or at least he doesn’t think so. But if that’s the case then it doesn’t make sense as to why he’s hurting. 

“I’m sorry that I had to be the one to call it quits- because I never, ever, wanted to be the one to do that. But guys-” Your voice cracks, it embodies all the heart ache you’re feeling- been feeling for so long. “When it’s just you two, at the altar, finally becoming one... I’ll be able to say with good faith that I made the right decision. So don’t fight me, don’t even say anything- this is what I want. This isn’t for just you- it’s for me too.”

They nod, facing the consequences of your choice- maybe it goes further than that. Maybe all this time the three of you were doomed to fail. If that’s the case then it’s a blessing that you’re not going down in flames. Instead this chapter is ending with a flood of tears and the promise of ruin. But there’s also the underlying hope that one day the flood will dry up and they’ll finally be able to look at the ruins without feeling regret. It’s that hope that all three of you cling too. That hope that one day you’ll be able to rebuild upon the ruins- a new temple, new kingdom. A new place for a rebuilt- or maybe even entirely new- love. 

A/N: I did Kuroo so dirty but I’m not sorry about that. In all honesty this is how I feel it’d go in a situation like this. Kuroo’s priority is always going to be Kenma. He’s a chemistry nerd- and their shared chemistry is so deep, it’s engrained onto the face of their soul. I think Kenma does really love Y/n but he’ll always love Kuroo just a little more. But sometimes a little is all the difference and is the game changer in the end. I do think, that if Kenma had loved the two of them equally- then maybe they could have been fine with a polygamous dynamic- but sadly that’s not the case.

This is also the harsh reality to a lot of poly relationships- some people enter them but aren’t prepared to love equally. So there’s an imbalance there that really shouldn’t be there. A lot of authors who write for polyships don’t touch on this but I want to be here to write about the good and the bad. 

Seeing the reader after the breakup

[adinosaurnamedmittens]

Alright so I can’t stop thinking of RVB Zero and how much potential it has so I wanna rework it a bit to work better.

So first I’m gonna talk about the new characters and what I’d change before breaking down the individual episodes for critique and suggested rewrites. At this point, I’ve only seen up to episode 4, Encounter. So spoilers till that ep. 

West - Honestly great! He doesn’t have a ton of character, but what he has is solid. He works very well as the gruff, no-nonsense leader who’s a tiny bit of a dad.

Raymond - Also great! He’s the most classic RVB character, as he’s an underdog who’s not the best at fighting, but has a lot of heart. My fav new character, right next to Tiny.

One - I want to change her to 2nd in command and drop the whole “can’t work within a team” thing. Keep the confidence and slight rudeness, but drop all the lines referencing anti-teamwork. It hasn’t factored into the story so far, One has been successfully working as part of the team for all the episodes. This would make her dynamic with Axel more interesting, being in a higher position of power. Especially considering how her healthy relationship with her dad contrasts with East and West’s relationship. This would reinforce the tension with East, since One now has an actual position of power over her. Also, she should have the exact same powers as Zero, but maybe less powerful. This would help foreshadow that reveal, and help us understand how the enhancements work. While One is a bit of a shit, and thinks she knows best, she’s willing to take the fall when her ideas fail or get them in trouble.

Axel - Imma be honest: totally forgot he was One’s adopted dad until I rewatched the episodes prepping for this. You could drop it totally, as it gets a bit redundant with West and East’s relationship, but I think there’s more fun in working with it. Also, if One’s 2nd in command and Axel isn’t insecure about it at all? Instantly makes him a more likable guy. I also think he parallels to Wash very well (bit of a kid at heart, weapons guy, team dad, emotional heart) so we’re gonna expand on that too.

East - Her and One’s relationship is the driving force of conflict within the strike team. With the changes made to One, East can stay pretty much unchanged. Before they were too similar. Now, with One being abrasive but willing to work together, and East being more reserved and distant, they’re great foils for each other. Also she parallels early Carolina, which I love (speed is her ability, prefers working alone, competitive as hell, dad runs team)

Villains: On characterization, they’re all good! Villains are allowed to be a bit more shallow, and they all seem to have understandable motives for what they’re doing: Zero wants revenge and power, Phase wants revenge especially against West, and Diesel just seems like he’s having fun. I do want to change Zero’s power tho, with Phase already having a teleport with a cool gimmick, and Diesel having a strength/tank ability, Zero should have a unique ability. Maybe gravity because of the sword? It would allow him some cool movement tricks while still being visually distinct from Diesel and Phase’s abilities. Or something inspired by his “ghost” line from Duo.

EP 1: Viper

The Good: The introduction to the villains and their abilities was amazing. I love Phase’s knife and it’s honestly one of the coolest things I’ve seen in the show. And the intro to the Strike team? Hilarious. Great character work. You can tell that One and Axel are close, that Raymond is hesitant and new, East and One have a very competitive relationship, and West is the tough love dad.

The Bad: Don’t violate the 180 camera rule. The intro fight scene was cool, but the camera moved way too much and made it hard to keep track of everything happening. And with the new, shiny art style we need a bit more time to absorb what’s happening since the detail level went up. Also y’all healed Wash’s brain damage with a throwaway line, and then immediately fridged him? Not cool. I mean, if you wanted to show how tough the villains are, you already had them beat up Carolina.

Story Changes: - Zero gets name dropped this ep so we get a scene next ep where Axel recognizes his name. - Either replace Wash with a high ranking soldier and completely scrub him from the episode, or give a different reason why he can’t help, maybe exactly Carolina’s reason of “you’re recovering”. I’m not committing to totally removing Wash bc in Recovery Carolina’s line of “That I-that we thought was a medium risk asset” hints that Wash knew exactly what they were carrying and I’m excited to see where they take that. - Mainly I want scenes of Wash talking to Axel and expanding on his characterization as they are both Nice Boys Who Have Been Through It. - I also think a scene after we meet Strike where Axel asks Raymond “You like riding with East?” and Ray goes “You two stuck me with her on purpose!” and One goes “Yup!” all cheerfully. Just reinforce those team dynamics and friendships before it goes to shit!

EP 2: Recovery

The Good: The garage scene was perfect. Tiny is amazing, love her so much! And Axel got such great characterization during this ep. What a dork. West and Raymond also work super well together, their interactions are great.

The Bad:You know it’s a problem when the villains have a better dynamic than the heroes. The scene where Carolina explains all the strike member’s abilities and personalities? Bad. Also a little OOC for her. And redundant, since we also get Raymond asking West about East, and Axel’s explanation of the girls to Carolina.

Story Changes: - Have Axel, the emotional heart, waiting outside the recovery room for Carolina. Honestly, this isn’t that big, but I think it’d suit his character. - Carolina’s exposition is changed to solely history and abilities, no commenting on their personalities. Maybe East gets a little “has shown difficulty in working with others” but that’s it. The physical acting for these scenes really shines through, so let it stand alone. Even watching without sound, you can pick up that West is a no-nonsense leader, that Axel isn’t a flashy fighter but gets the job done, that East is fairly young and doesn’t take fighting seriously, and that One is willing to leave others behind if she thinks she can do it better. - For Carolina’s convo with One this ep about her “not willing to work on a team” either swap One with East or change it to “you need to listen to your team more. Don’t assume that you immediately now what’s best” - At the end of training, when Axel says “the guards were priority #1″ One should say “I knew you could handle it.” and Axel could respond with “Well, it’d be nice if you let me know that.” to show that One can work well as 2nd in command, but needs to communicate and stop assuming things. -Also should change Axel’s warning line about her enhancements to “Don’t push yourself. Remember what happened last time?” to enforce that this is a habit, and that while he cares about her, he’s not trying to boss her around as much. -Don’t reveal that East is West’s daughter until Raymond and West talk. That way, there’s a bit more emotional weight, and Ray’s line of “I was digging through the team files” makes more sense if Carolina doesn’t drop that info in the previous scene. - When Axel talks about the experiments East went through, he should mention that he was there for some of them. Dropping more foreshadowing for the Axel/Zero reveal! - Carolina drops Zero’s name in their convo, and we get a shot of Axel’s hand tightening on his weapon, showing the audience that the name means something to him, but we don’t know why.

EP 3: Duo

The Good: First 3rd of the ep? Really good. I love One being rude to Carolina, and then gaining a grudging respect. West and Raymond are, again, the best dynamic. How? I honestly have no idea. The car looks so stupid in the funniest way, I hate it but I love it. Also god yes Axel and Zero’s relationship is so wholesome and could be the best thing in this season. One’s warning call to the facility? The funniest shit. And Zero’s dialogue is hella cliched, but it works bc he’s obv such a dramatic bitch.

The Bad: HOLY HELL THE DIALOGUE. First, One and East’s fight? garbage. Very forced. Super hard to believe these two are real people. Carolina and West literally repeat the exact same line, less than 5 seconds apart. The dishwasher joke West makes does NOT at all work, it’s too tonally dissonant.

Story Changes: - Obv. need to change One and East’s convo. End it with “Without your power, you wouldn’t even be on this team!” East should storm off or almost attack One, requiring Axel to diffuse. - It’d also be really nice to get a line where One acknowledges that she went too far with that, but puts off apologizing to East. It’d be a nod that she’s good at reflecting and assessing, but too proud to actually take her words back. - I’d like to make Raymond more panicked when they find Wash. It’d help sell that he’s in bad shape and add more weight to “He’s got a heartbeat!” - Maybe re-work Phase and Zero’s conversation a bit. The dialogue is definitely not this season’s strong suit. - Pull Carolina’s “I’m just trying to help, East.” since it’s more impactful for East to storm off immediately and West says the line a couple seconds later. And change East’s dialogue to “You may be my CO, but don’t try to be my dad. Not after what you’ve done.” Or something similar. - For the dishwasher gag in the meeting, either pull it or double down. It’d work so much better if someone asks “Are you serious about this? Aren’t there more important things to discuss?” and West just deadpans. “This is of the upmost importance. If we can’t keep this base clean, how can we be expected to do anything else?!” and then Carolina clears her throat super loud and West goes “...Right. Rookie? Take it from here.” - Rework the “Carolina stay behind” dialogue. Even just a “Carolina. You’re still recovering. If you get hurt again, it’ll just be longer till you can take these bastards down. Keep an eye on Wash, will you?” I just couldn’t get behind the wording of “we need you here. With wash” It sounds like every cliched “woman must stay behind while the manly men save everyone!” Might be personal preference but just ew. - Add a scene where One notices Axel being a bit off (bc he’s worried about Zero being a part of the bad guy team) and she asks if he’s okay. He brushes her off, says its nothing. She goes “alright, i trust you.” - Maybe make the flashback a bit more apparent? There was a moment in the middle where I questioned whether or not it was a flashback. Again, could be a me problem.

EP 4: Encounter

The Good: The fight scenes continue to be absolute standouts. The varied environments, the movement, the dynamics on point. Wish we could’ve saw a bit more from Axel, but as is the scene worked well. The framing of the ep was good too, cutting between the mission and the fallout. And Ray, resident coward, immediately squaring up without a thought after West got injured? *chef’s kiss*. THAT is good character development. THAT is an amazing way to establish their relationship without telling us outright. Go feral, my boy! And Tiny and Raymond’s convo was so cute. I love how, despite what he says, Ray is there for his team and always willing to help. Carolina and One’s convo was also pretty decent. It got a bit long and over-explainy on Carolina’s end, but there were some pretty good moments.

The Bad: The fight after the mission failure was SO over-acted. Too much motion, to many camera angles. It changed what should have been tense arguments to hilarious melodrama. This has been a consistent problem, but it REALLY affects this scene in particular. And the second Axel enters the scene it just immediately goes downhill.

Story Changes: - Add a line from West in the beginning scene like “I’ll cut them off!” to explain why he isn’t in the car too. This also means it’s not as out-of-nowhere when West shows up to trash the car. - One should call out Axel instead of East. If she’s his daughter, she should be able to tell when he’s acting off. And she would have an easier time connecting the dots between Axel and Zero. - Instead of “I trusted you.” One should say “You lied to me.” 1) He’s her dad. One lie isn’t gonna break her total trust. 2) This would imply it’s the first time he’s lied to her, adding more weight to the whole situation 3) It’s way more accusatory and less cliched (if only a bit) - Add in a “One, wait!” bc I am a sucker for it and we could hear the guilt in his voice, rather than the weird scene where the girls make him spin around by bumping into him. - It’d also be nice if Ray stayed back for a bit before leaving, so we got a bit of his feelings on the matter. I mean, obviously he cares a lot about West, but does he blame Axel for not being there to help? It’d be nice to know!

TL;DR The best parts of the episodes are the fight scenes, and when they focus on the fun team dynamics. The worst parts are dialogue (mostly the serious bits) and over-animating, as this takes away from the drama.

I don’t mind the cheesy villains, but that may not be the case for everyone.

The best part of RVB has always been the rag-tag found family dynamics. While the fight scenes are cool, they have always been supplemental to the real meat of the show. The writers are trying something new with the whole “actual family” but you have got to focus on and develop these relationships if you want fans to care.

Mostly, I see a lot of potential in these characters, but there are GLARING issues in this season that are holding them back.

[megumis-lashes]

Love Bites

Vampire! Han Jisung x Reader Part 2

**Contains**: mentions of blood/blood drinking, parental abuse, bullying, fighting, slight swearing, emotional abuse, friends to lovers, werewolf Hyunjin, western high school standards, female reader

Flashback =

> Hello

Spending the weekend with Jisung was awkward to say the least. I knew it was in no way his fault. It was mine. I hadn’t had ‘friends’ in years and practically forgot how to act around other people. Thankfully his bubbly personality seemed to make up for everything I lacked. Following the weekend I knew I had to attend school. As much as I hated it, I knew that skipping would only spell more disaster for me in the future. I arrived to school with Jisung, looking somewhat put together despite my rough situation.

I never knew how knowing and interacting with certain people could gain. So. Much. Attention. I forgot just how popular Jisung really was. He wasn’t the most popular, but the majority of students could easily recognize him in a croud. Much to my dismay, people began to spread rumors about the situation. The biggest one was in regard to why I arrived with someone like him, or even talked to him for that matter. We had never talked outside of school before this. This reminded me of a similar situation. My parents being the way they are had signed me up for the school tutor program. Much to my dismay I had been assigned the school’s pretty boy, Hwang Hyunjin,as my student. Despite his constant attempts at becoming my friend, Hyunjin and I’s relationship was purely professional. I helped him out on school work and I would get more points for college. This didn’t stop the rumors though. Many jealous ‘fangirls’ spread rumors about us dating, which I didn’t appreciate. I would constantly get hate notes delivered to my locker.

I quickly dismissed Jisung and began my day. Today was pretty standard. I had two quizzes and some homework due, but nothing too bad. The only thing that scared me was what my lunch schedule held. Hyunjin had a huge unit test in chemistry today and he requested my help during lunch period. I hadn’t really given him an answer, but he said that if I showed up he could pay me. Right now I really needed the money so I was willing to accept a few more hate notes than usual. After my morning classes I showed up to lunch and sat by Hyunjin’s group of friends, surprising them in the process.

“Wow Hyunjin is this your girlfriend? I’ve seen you with her before.” One of the boys questioned. I think his name was Felix.

“No, no this is my tutor, name. She’s here to help me study for my chemistry unit test, I’m just surprised she showed up is all.” He chided as he rubbed his neck nervously. I could tell he was in no way ready for this test.

“Don’t worry the study session should be quick. I’ll make sure you’re prepared before the end of lunch. You should still have some time.” I explained as I shuffled through my backpack. I handed Hyunjin a small study guide I prepared for him.

“Here’s something I threw together. Read that over and tell me what you don’t understand. I’ll be over there when you’re done.” I smiled subtly as I walked over to the next table. Despite his popularity he was still a normal teenager.

As I had expected, helping Hyunjin during lunch drew some attention to me, especially from the ‘popular girls’ or whatever they like to be called. I never really minded their existence, but I could always feel their eyes burning into me whenever I hung around their ‘love interest’. Before lunch ended collected my payment from Hyunjin and went to use the restroom. I was fixing my hair in the mirror when those girls walked in.

“Oh if it isn’t name! That’s funny we were just looking to talk to you!” I sighed in annoyance. I was in no mood to talk with them for whatever reason. I never had many interactions with them, but they still managed to put me on edge. Their small group consisted of two juniors and one sophomore. Their leader ‘Mia’ was a relatively tall girl with long black hair who typically wore bright red lipstick. She was by far the worst out of them. Along with her was her close friend, Jiuen. She had bleach blond hair that she often styled in curls. The last girl was rather mysterious. I honestly couldn’t remember her name. She wasn’t one to stand out in a crowd and I don’t think she was a part of the group by choice. She had dark brown hair, styled in pig tails, and wore chunky blue glasses.

“Did you need something?” I sighed. I would have to leave for class soon.

“Ah yes!” Mia answered. “We’re here to make a deal with you!” I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

“What about?” I questioned

“So you see you’ve been hanging out with some popular people lately, and I guess you could say that I’m a bit jealous.” She giggled. “I hate to be that person but could you do me a favor and leave them alone? I need all the chances I can get in getting a boyfriend!” She explained.

I sighed. “Are you serious? If you’re talking about Hyunjin there’s nothing going on between us at all. Same with Jisung. We’re simply acquaintances who help each other out from time to time. I don’t see how it’s a problem.”

“Well I’m afraid that’s not convincing me. There’s no way I know anything about your relationships so you could be lying for all I know. I simply cannot trust your word on this!” She huffed. I rubbed my temples in annoyance.

“Look I swear I’m telling the truth. What would I even gain from lying? Plus there’s no way I can fully avoid Hyunjin as I am his assigned tutor.”

“Just request a change in students it’s not that difficult. I don’t see why you can’t just help me out this one time.” She groaned dramatically.

“Well what’s in it for me? You’re practically rewriting my life for your benefit only. I’m sorry but I’m not changing my entire schedule just so you can have a better ‘chance’!” I was getting sick of this conversation. I wanted to leave.

“Fine then you leave me no choice! I can easily destroy you.” She snickered.

“What do you mean?” She was making me anxious. She barely tried to convince me and she’s already pulling out her greatest asset?

“Well if you somehow managed to forget, I am the principals daughter. I could easily pull some strings. Maybe I could say you cheated! Yeah that’s a great idea! All the grades you worked so hard on would turn to dust! Then you’d be suspended for breaking school law! Oh and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t be so happy about that now would they?” She chuckled as she pulled out her phone.

“You can’t be serious Mia. This isn’t that deep.” I tried to stop myself from shaking.

“Oh I’m serious! It only takes a press of my finger to ruin you! If I send a report to my dad about you cheating, I know he’d believe me! You’re best option is to just agree to my conditions! There’s no way your parents would be happy with you being expelled!”

I was on the verge of tears. There was nothing I could do in this situation. She was right. There was no way I would be let of the hook for being expelled. This combined with all the stress I had been feeling in the past week led me closer and closer to breaking.

“Fine.” I stammered “You win. I won’t talk to either of them and I’ll ask to tutor someone else. Just please don’t mess with my grades. You know how much they mean to me.” I pleaded.

She giggled. “Finally you gave in! Alright then that’s a deal! I won’t ruin you, or at least not until later!” She exclaimed. I gritted my teeth, still trying to keep my composure.

“Come on girls let’s go!” She led the girls from the bathroom. Upon leaving she slammed into my shoulder, effectively pushing me into the wall. That hurt like hell.

“Haha so sorry! I must’ve not see you there!” She chuckled again and walked away with her group.

I cringed in pain as I felt the warm tears I had worked hard to withhold cascade down my cheeks. Wasn’t this an eventful week.

For the rest of the day I made it my duty to avoid the two boys at all costs. I could in no way afford that level of failure going on my record. I would be doomed for all eternity. Avoiding them wasn’t too difficult during classes. I was in much higher classes than Hyunjin and only shared a few classes with Jisung. Thankfully I had all my shared classes in the morning. At the end of the school day, I requested a new student to tutor. I claimed our timing didn’t work out and left a small note to Hyunjin explaining it was for personal reasons. I continued through my day as unaffected as I possibly could act. I attended volleyball practice until 6, then took a different route back to Jisung’s house in hopes of avoiding him completely. I managed to sneak in through his back door (AN: no pun intended) since he had given me a key. I only saw him once that night for a brief moment. He questioned why he didn’t see me and I explained that I had volleyball and homework to do. I also warned him that he probably wouldn’t see me much after school so that he wouldn’t worry. The next morning I left before he woke up.

Over the course of the next few weeks I was successful in avoiding both Hyunjin and Jisung. Jisung did seem a little suspicious of seeing me extremely rarely, but he didn’t push his questions since I helped with chores and even payed him a portion of the money Hyunjin had given me. Hyunjin on the other hand was extremely bothered over my sudden change in schedule. He would constantly try to approach me at lunch or during class and as much as it pained me, I would force myself to ignore him or walk away giving him some dumb excuse. I knew he didn’t believe anything I said. The most persistent thing he did was leave me letters. I read the letters but I never replied. He would often describe his day and somehow always end up on the topic of tutoring. He explained how he was assigned a new tutor, except it was a girl that was a year under him. Despite how advanced she was in classes, she knew little of the junior material and was even more confused than Hyunjin. With his constant begging for me to come back I constantly felt terrible about my decision. As much as I appreciated his efforts at keeping in contact with me, there was one small issue. He. Was. Extremely. Obvious. Practically the entire school knew he left envelopes in my locker, many of them believed the notes to be love letters.

Today was no different. I was returning to my locker at the end of the school day only to find another note. Upon first look it was easy to understand why people thought the notes to be out of love. Hyunjin wasn’t exactly great at portraying his emotions and could be rather dense at times. He used a baby pink envelope and decorative stationary that I could only assume belonged to a female in his family. In today’s note he described how desperate he was to have me as a tutor again. His current tutor recently passed out from what Hyunjin had described as ‘confusion’ and had been too embarrassed to show up to tutor sessions the past couple sessions. When Hyunjin attempted to ask for a new tutor, the teachers refused as he had changed tutors once that month already. I chuckled. I could tell he was panicking while he wrote the letter. His messy handwriting was a stark contrast to the beautiful card. He could be dense at times but I knew he was a smart kid, he could manage without me for a while. What I failed to notice at the time were the burning stares drilling into my back.

“Hi name! It’s a nice day today isn’t it! You wouldn’t mind going on a small walk with us would you?” My small smile quickly faded. That voice, I could recognize it anywhere. It was Mia and by the overly ‘happy’ tone of her voice I could tell she wasn’t too happy with me. As much as my gut pleaded me not to follow her I couldn’t risk anything.

“Sure.” I murmured. I quickly finished packing my backpack and shut my locker, following the three girls. The girls stopped at a small shady spot at the back of the school. They weren’t lying it was nice out. It was a clear fall day, the sun shining beautifully in the sky. Despite all this I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it. I was scared shitless of what they were going to say. Mia quickly faced me.

“So what do you have to say for yourself? Liar.” I creased my brows in confusion.

“What do you mean? I haven’t broken our agreement?” I really hoped they withheld their part of the deal.

“Well name you aren’t very subtle. I thought with how smart you are you would know better!” She scoffed.

“I’m still confused as to what to what you mean?” I was seriously starting to panic at this point.

“Just give up already. You don’t have to play dumb for me anymore. I know you broke our agreement. Your little relationship with Hyunjin is pretty obvious if you ask me. Sure you may have stopped tutoring him but I see how he leaves letters for you. You read every single one and you even chuckled while reading today’s ‘love letter’. You’re not a sly as you think!” She exclaimed. I knew she was mad now.

“No, no, no you’ve got it all wrong! I’m in no secret relationship with Hyunjin and I never reply to his letters! He’s just struggling in class and wants me to tutor him again but I’ve told him I can’t-“ Time seemed to freeze at that moment. What woke me from my trance was a sharp pain to my left cheek.

She slapped me.

I was frozen out of pure shock. As I blinked out of it I could feel warm drops of blood stream from a small cut on my check. I definitely didn’t expect her to get physical.

“That’s what you deserve you deserve you bitch! How dare you! I went easy on you! I made an agreement and you just had to ruin everything! That’s it! Two can play at this little game of yours! By Friday I’ll make sure to ruin you and make sure the whole school hears your embarrassing little sob story as well!” She screamed as I collapsed to the ground. My shaking legs had finally given out a look of shock still painted on my face. She began to walk away. I stumbled forwards towards her.

“Wait! No! No! No! You can’t do this to me! What did I ever do to you! I never did anything-“ She cut me off by yanking my hair. I sobbed out of fear and despair.

“Shut up. YOU ruined my chances. YOU broke the deal! Think of this as ALL. YOUR. FAULT!” She finished her argument by slamming her hand bag in my face. I cringed in pain as the metal clasps made contact with my skin. That was sure to bruise later. Following their leaders departure, Jiuen walked over to my slumped form. She shuffled in her bag and pulled out a small carton of milk. She quickly tore open the carton and dumped it over my head. I sobbed and coughed in disgust. The third girl did absolutely nothing besides stand there and look down at me in pity. She quickly ran after the other girls.

“Why me?”

I sat there for what felt like hours but was probably along the lines of 15 minutes. I felt disgusting to say the least. I had never wanted to shower this much in my life. I took of my bag, thankful it was still clean, and began to dig around. I quickly found an old gym shirt and used that to somewhat clean my face.

The walk home was humiliating. I could feel the stares of students and teachers alike burn into my back. I kept my head low. The walk itself felt like torture. I was exhausted, both mentally, emotionally and physically. I was also still in pain. I could feel blood ooze from the cuts on my face and the bruises begin to form. I’d probably have to buy some concealer to hide the bruising. Upon arriving to the house I quickly stumbled inside. Once I reached the living room I realized my mistake. Jisung was home and was staring right at me.

“What the fuck happened to you?” He questioned almost flying off the sofa. He must’ve been playing games before my arrival.

“Oh, uhh nothing really. I just uhh... tripped is all. Don’t worry I’ll go take care of it.” I knew it was probably the worst excuse of the decade but I really didn’t have the energy to make a better one.

“Bullshit! You have bruises and scratches almost exclusively on your face! Plus I can tell you’ve been avoiding me!” He exclaimed as he approached me “Name you don’t have to act strong all the time. I can tell you’re not ok. Please tell me what happened... if you can.”

It didn’t take another word from Jisung for me to breakdown in a mess of tears. It was about time. The amount of stress I had been experiencing was extremely unhealthy. Combined with the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express emotions at home, the pressure was too much.

“I-I got into a f-fight.” I sobbed. “I really don’t know what I did wrong! They had to blackm-mail me for what? Having friends?” I buried my head in my hands. I was broken. “They got mad at me for being by you and Hyunjin! They, they threatened to ruin me! All my hard work! My hours of unhealthy studies! All to make my parents happy! But they just had to destroy it all out of spite!” I coughed as I felt the salty tears slip onto my lips. My sobs were cut off when I felt strong arms wrap around my middle.Jisung had hugged me. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had given me a hug. As happy as I should of been, the physical contact simply made me sob harder.

“Slow down, slow down! I know you’re upset and I’m here for you! Just go at your own pace. I’m not gonna go anywhere until you’re done.” He patted my back. I tried to calm my breathing and began to explain. Explain everything, from when I had been kicked out to when the girls had first blackmailed me to when they attacked me for Hyunjin’s notes. It was exhausting to just remember those events. Then I explained everything about my parents. How difficult they were. Nothing mattered besides numbers and results.

“They could care less about my existence as a person, or their daughter. “ I explained. We were now seated on his large sofa, his hand holding mine out of comfort. The whole time I explained my situation I could tell he was listening. He started at me attentively with a kind look in his eyes.

“I never knew we were so similar.” He chuckled as he scratched his neck.

“What do you mean.” I questioned, drying the tears from my face.

“The whole parent thing I mean. My parents are incredibly hard on me as well. I’m the next in blood line per say, and because of my familial ranking I take an important family position once my parents die. They aren’t necessarily that focused on grades like your parents are but they care a lot about field performance. That doesn’t mean I can slack in school though.” He sighed. “Other than that they barely pay any attention to me. They let me figure out everything on my own. By the age of 12 I practically lived alone. I’ve been an adult for almost the entirety of what should’ve been my childhood.” He sighed. “Anyway thank you for explaining it to me I know it’s been difficult for you. As much as you dislike them, let’s make a deal.”

“About what?” I blinked myself awake. I was starting to get really tired.

“No more secrets. Don’t keep this sorta stuff to yourself from now on ok? It does more harm than good. I’m always here to listen!” He smiled. I could feel my checks warm at his smile. It was cute.

“Alright then.” I smiled bashfully. “Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise!” He confirmed, quickly wrapping his pinky around mine.

“Now I hate to be rude but you should really take a shower.” He scratched his neck as he chuckled.

“Hey! I went through a lot today!” I chided

“I know, I know. How about you go shower and then we can watch a movie! Maybe it’ll help you feel better!”

“Actually... that sounds really nice. But what about my homework? And my grades?” I completely forgot that school existed.

“Ahh don’t worry about it! I’ll do your homework for you when you shower! I already did mine so it’s fine! About your grades, just leave it to me! I’ll talk to them tomorrow ok!” He exclaimed.

“Are you sure?” I questioned. I’d feel guilty if he did all that for me.

“I’m sure! Now go!”

I started to walk to my room to go shower when I stopped.

“Hey Jisung?”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“Thank you.”

I smiled. My first true smile in a while.

[bxllafanficc]

What lies within our voice

Part one.

Summary: The hottest current singing competition in your country; Beyond The Voice, is taking contestants for this years new season. And you’re competing, something you’ve dreamed of since you were a little kid. Your best friend Natasha joins you on your audition day with the assurance that everything’s going to go just as planned. As in; you preform, get all the standing ovations from the jury and then you go out to celebrate. But it doesn’t quite work like that, does it? Especially not when a handsome blue eyed singer with angelic pipes (and dare I say, jackass?) enters the competition and gives you some serious problems; both on a competitive and on a personal level.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: implied smut, smut later on as the story progresses, Bucky’s kind of a prick at first glance, Natasha being cringeworthy,

Anyone will have to believe you when you say that you’re meant for this.

“Girl, you’re going to kill this! You’re the best singer here. The judges will find you irresistible!”

The stage and the cheer of a crowd is where you feel at home. Like you could do anything you put your mind to. If you only got the chance to show the world what you got to offer. That you belong on stage, to please a crowd.

That’s why you’re here. At the large entrance hall of the largest arena in your country, ready to perform your heart out at this years season of the hottest contest currently in the making; Beyond The Voice. The competition that will be your awakening as the artist you’ve dreamed to be for so long. Because already as a little girl, you used to sit in front of the tv with your best friend since diapers; Natasha. And oh, how you loved B.T.V. From the first season ever all the way to where you’re standing now. Here, ready to be a part of something you’ve set as a goal since years back. And so you have come here and along with you, brought your best friend so that you can live the dream together now all grown up.

“I have a hard time believing that, Nat. There are so many talented and attractive people here who want this too. And I don’t doubt for a second that there will be a lot of people putting on their best efforts here tonight.”

You scan the large groups of people in the hall, some pacing around nervously, others sitting down on benches and some awkwardly attempting to put on their best sides of themselves as the camera team sneaks through the crowds to shoot some interviews with the contestants.

The camera team has already been filming their interview with you, and if you should say it yourself, you had done the best possible out of the situation. To be yourself. No faces and no strained jokes, just plain you, unlike some of the other contestants you had seen earlier who seemingly failed to acknowledge the fabric of their shirt hiding their cleavage noticeably sliding down their shoulders until the producers felt the urge to cut because they ‘would need to censor that out’ somehow.

“Puh-lease! No one wants this as much as you do. And sure, there may be great singers here today, but no one has the pure and raw talent like you. Most of the people we’ve seen so far is clearly showing in their voices that they’ve taken dozens of singing lessons, and some not at all. Everyone here started out as a rookie but not you. You were born with it. I can confirm since I’ve known you so long. See, the only other people here skilled enough to put you up for a challenge is that guy performing for the jury right now. Look! He’s like the hunkier more brooding version of Josh Groban!”

You look towards the big screen displaying everything that’s going on in the auditions room. Right now there’s a guy in a deep blue suit performing “Being alive” originally sung by Stephen Sondheim from the musical Company; a classic and and a regularity when it comes to audition songs. Not a choice you would’ve gone with because of everyone before this man who’s chosen the song on previous seasons of Behind The Voice. But maybe his choice might just make this performance a success. That voice is unlike any other contestant you’ve seen today and those blue eyes are definitely moneymakers on their own. A handsome man to be sure, Nat wasn’t joking around with her comparison. And the look on the female judges faces reveals that the sexy mysterious persona he’s putting on is working its magic on them.

“Make me confused, mock me with praise. Let me be used, vary me days.”

“Goodness, that vibrato is to die for! There’s no effort displayed on his face what so ever and completely free from strained vocals or any muffled sounds from accidentally switching back to using his nose as support!”

“Right?! Maybe he’s good enough for my best gal right here? Why don’t you give it a try?” Nat elbows you and makes a rather inappropriate finger motion with her hands as her eyebrow raises and sinks in a provocative manner.

You quickly squeal with disapproval at her and slap her hands away, afraid that someone in the hall, or worse, the camera crew, had caught her little message.

“You know I’m too busy with focusing on my career for that kind of stuff. And he’s most likely to be my most skilled rival so far!”

“Somebody crowd me with love, somebody force me to care. Somebody let me come through, I’ll always be there, as frightened as you, to help us survive...”

The song finishes and the crowd in the hall is overwhelming with cheers and blowing whistles. It’s four yes out of four possible from the jury; a crystal clear win.

The man who just performed and the jury can clearly hear the crowd’s chanting from inside the studio, because everyone is glancing at the door with a low snicker.

“Next up, contestant #70!” One of the managers shouts from an opened door in the hall.

Your number is #71, which means your up after the shocked young girl beside you who were too caught up in the man singing just now that she completely forgot to prepare herself.

You stand up as well and make your way towards the door leading into the corridors of the audition’s studio, just to prepare yourself a little extra. Nat follows along and whispers encouraging nothings into your ear. She pats your shoulder and bumps into your crimson colored les paul hanging strapped inside its case on your back.

Right, you failed to mention your own audition song in the interview (and the genre you’ll be singing.)

You like to label yourself as a rock singer who also plays the electric guitar in the songs you perform. So you’ve carefully chosen the song “Anastasia” made by Slash, Myles Kennedy and The Conspirators. You’ve requested the assigned go-to band for this song because it simply can’t be done by just a guitar and a voice. Your song of choice is also going to give the judges the full feeling of how a concert later on with you as their star would look like. The vocals are great, showing off a lot of control but not too complicated so there’s room enough to blow the crowd and judge’s minds later on in the competition. The guitar isn’t essential for a singing competition like this but to aggregate with playing the guitar and singing at the time always gain some extra points since the judges will understand that your multitasking abilities will come in handy if and when a casual error or scene malfunction occurs in the life as an artist.

Of course you sing other genres as expected from you in this competition, but rock will forever be your go-to genre if you’re out to bedazzle the crowd or just want to dance your heart out in the living room (aggressive head banging is included).

But in your current situation, you had been so caught up in your own plans and preparation that you failed to acknowledge the man standing in front of you until it’s too late and you bump into something broad and rock hard.

The stranger gets pushed forwards and his friend catches him before he tumbles too far. A pair of blue eyes turns around to glare at you with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m so sorry! I was just-“ You stop and silence yourself. It’s the previous contestant with the angelic voice; and he does not look pleased.

“Shouldn’t a person competing in such a high prestige competition be aware of their surroundings always and watch where they’re going?” The man speaks up and turns to face you entirely, his blonde friend standing right beside him. Nat comes to join your side when she senses the tension going on.

“I... excuse me, I was just so caught up in my on thoughts that I didn’t notice you. People make mistakes and I’m sorry. It’s not that big of a deal.”

You fold your arms and try to flash a genuine smile at the stranger but he doesn’t seem affected by your words.

“So you’re a little self absorbed, you say? That’s not a personality trait I would go with in a competitive area like this but you do you, I guess.”

Is this man for real? He seemed like such a genuine and open guy when he sang but now when he’s in front of you, he’s just an asshole. Guess that’s what they call on point stage presence then.

“Hey now handsome, Aren’t you being a little rude to my friend? It was actually nothing more than a simple mistake. There’s nothing to feel personal about if your feelings got hurt. Happens to anybody.” Nat joins in and defends you, but she’s not paying attention to the blue eyed prick in front of her, but she’s eying the tall blondie beside him with careful eyes.

“Yeah, whatever.” The man answers with a huff and leaves, his friend following right behind him. As you watch them go, Blondie seemingly scolds his friend about something, though you never catch the response of your now-rival.

“Well that’s a waste. A beautiful brunette with magical eyes but on the inside he’s just a bastard with low-dick-energy.” Nat mumbles and snorts, pushing you towards the corridors you originally planned to make your way to. You giggle in response and bite your lip.

“With an attitude like that to a lady, he couldn’t possibly afford having a small dick, Nat. It must be pretty huge if it’s gonna make up for his frame of mind.”

Well, at least it’s not a must to befriend the other contestants, because then you would be forced into some kind of team building exercise with Mr. Jackass. The last thing you needed right now was excessive negativity in your life.

“Yeah, you go (Y/n)! Dab on them haters!” Nat yells and proceeds to do the dabbing motion with a cheerful expression.

The crowds standing near the two of you suddenly fall silent and eyes you with a judgements stare.

“Don’t you ever do that in public again or I will-“

“Contestant #71, you’re up!

The crowd stops glaring at you and shifts to clap their hands with encouragement, some even shouts stuff like ‘You can do this!’ Or ‘Go inside and kick some ass!’

You’re heart immediately takes two turns and beats like crazy in your chest; something it always does right before when you’re about to preform. Much to your gratitude, it always rolls off of you like a waterfall the second you start to sing.

‘This is your chance, (Y/n). You have to prove to everyone in the hall, to Nat, to yourself, to Jackass Ocean eyes, and most importantly the judges, that you’ve earned your right to be on this program and on television. Tonight we focus on getting the judges’ approval, tomorrow, a new goal will be set.’ The internal speech you go through with yourself echoes through your eardrums as you step into the audition’s studio and into the camera’s view.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Hi love. I hope you get this one lmao. Can you pls write a Tommy Shelby x Reader where the Reader gets married to Tommy as an arranged marriage as she is a leader of a gang herself? I want it to be something on the lines of how they end up talking all night to each other on their wedding night, sharing their deepest, darkest secrets and they make a pact to each of staying loyal as long as they are married to each other? Here they don't love each other yet.

            "So, how did you two meet?"

            You and Tommy looked at each other. "I suppose it's a long story."

           ~~

            You weren't lying to your sister. It was, indeed, a long story. It started in your club. The one you'd worked tirelessly to acquire. Sure you ran illegal business out of said club, but that wasn't anyone else's business but your own. Being a woman was tough enough in society, but in the underworld, it was damn near impossible.

            So you did your best to keep a strong reputation and keep strong, loyal people around you. It worked for a while. A few years, at least. But as you gained a profit, the sharks began to circle and close in on you.

            You suppose you were just lucky that Tommy Shelby managed to get to you first.

                       It was a normal night. You were in the club, making sure things were running smoothly and schmoozing with the clientele. It was a credit to your personality. Charisma got you close friends and people who enjoyed your company. Stubbornness allowed you to be tough on the people who weren't trying to be friends with you. You garnered a reputation of being a fun person to hang around. But people were wise to stay on your good side. Otherwise, there would be consequences.

            Like there were for the man who groped you learned the same night you met Tommy. The second you felt the man's hand, you grabbed his wrist and twisted it so hard, he was on his knees begging for mercy.

            When you looked up from your would-be attacker, you found a well-dressed man with a cigarette in hand watching.

            "Miss y/n/l, I'm guessing."

            You let go of the groper's wrist. "If you'll give me a second, I need to take care of business." You replied before landing a sharp kick to the groper's side. "Get him the fuck out of here." You alerted your security guard who had come over when he heard a commotion. "He ever steps into my club again, I'll bury him under the floorboards."

            "Yes, Miss y/l/n."

            You finished your drink on the table. "So, who are you?"

            "Thomas Shelby. I'm here to make you an offer."

 ~~~

            "Oh, you met at the club, how romantic." Your sister clapped her hands together in glee. Of course, you hadn't told her everything. Your younger sister was the only family member you had left and you kept her out of any illegal business. All she knew was you made money, earning her shopping sprees and trips to Paris and Rome.

            "Yeah...romantic."

            Tommy side-eyed you. It wasn't romantic. Not at first.

 ~~~

            "You think you can walk into my club and try to buy it off of me?" You scoffed. "You think you're the only person to ever try that?"

            Tommy shrugged. "Running a club on your own, not very feasible is it? What would you do if something happened? Who would you turn to? You've no parents."     

            You narrowed your eyes at him. Of course, if you'd known he was coming, you would've dug up some dirt on him too. But you just had to roll with the punches much like everything else in life. "I assure you, Mr. Shelby, I'm not alone."

            "The Tigress Club three blocks down."                       

            The mere mention of the name was enough to put a scowl on your face. The owner always giving you a hard time, disrupting business, and the worst of all, sneering at you and calling you 'little girl'. "What about it?"

            "From what I know, they're a thorn in your side," Tommy replied coolly.

            "They have been, what's that to you?"

            "My brothers aren't here for a reason. They're three blocks away, taking the Tigress Club."

            You furrowed your brow. "Taking it? Like they're just walking in and taking it? Are you serious?" You laughed. "That's absolutely mad."

            "The club is yours if you enter an agreement with me."

            A rush went to your head. Owning the Tigress? After all that hell you went through to keep the owner from taking over your business? What an absolute joy. But you weren't going to just agree to anything. "What sort of agreement?"

            "A marriage."

            You stared at the man who you'd only just met. "Pardon?" You blinked, wondering if you'd heard him right or if he was just using some sort of slang that you weren't familiar with. But he seemed too serious to use slang and you were certain you'd heard the word correctly. "Marriage? With you?"

            He nodded as if he were only asking for a cigarette.

            "Wh-so you-I marry you and you give me ownership of a club? Why would I agree to that?" You were utterly flustered. Some handsome stranger had really walked in, offered you a gift of a club, and then proposed marriage out of the blue. You felt as if you were in some sort of fever dream.

            "It'll be mutually beneficial. You get the club, as well as other ownerships. I'll be able to aid in your smuggling operation."

            "So, what? You're looking for control over this area of London or something? If you're able to just walk into clubs and take them, then why not just do that? Or why don't we just sign a contract?" You thought marriage seemed to be a few steps past what was the norm.

            "Because I've had allies before who have turned into enemies. I'm not wasting any more time with people I can't trust." Tommy answered. And he appeared genuinely serious about the matter.

            You studied his expression for a bit before crossing your arms over your chest and leaning back in your leather desk chair. "Uh-huh. I think I've just figured you out, Mr. Shelby." You reported.

            He didn't seem fazed and only nodded in amusement. "You think?"

            "I leave people talking about me, I know that. Word must've gotten to you about a woman running her own club in a favorable part of London. A part you want to be in control of. But you also know about the Tigress. Run by someone else who is capable albeit a total pain in the arse. So who do you approach and who do you send your brothers after?"

            He raised an eyebrow. "Is there a problem with that?"

            "I think you made the right choice. But girls like to be courted a bit before they're proposed to. And I also like reading a contract before I agree to anything. So why don't you make some effort then come back and we'll talk again."

 ~~~

            "So sweet, you knew you wanted to marry her the first time you met?" Your sister practically swooned at the ideal situation you two were conjuring up.

            "Er, well yes," Tommy answered because technically it wasn't a lie.

            "But he had to prove himself." You sent him a subtle smirk.

~~~ 

            He did. He visited twice a week, every week for the next three months. He brought legal contracts about the Tigress, now under his ownership, as he said. In return, you gave him a prenuptial agreement.

            The hilarity of it all was not lost on you. But after your first meeting with Tommy, you sat up all night wondering what you should do with the offer. Sometimes having the reputation you did didn't lead to a very successful love life. Men were either intimidated by your power or afraid of ever pissing you off. Maybe this was your last chance at ever finding someone. Not to mention, it was someone who understood the work you did, understood the sacrifices you made, and damn it if he wasn't nice to look at. Beyond your shallow thoughts, you found him to be more respectable than most men in your line of work. He didn't treat you like a toy, an object, or a joke. He didn't think it was cute that you were trying to own a club. Didn't patronize you.

            When everything was settled with business, you agreed to the marriage. At some points in your agreement, you wondered if you'd gone crazy. Wondered what possessed you to make such an arrangement. But on the other hand, you knew that your life was far from typical. You enjoyed the unorthodox, you weren't going to be some wife sitting at home tending to the children. But you didn't want to end up alone either. You figured Tommy was a good medium.

 ~~~

            "Well, that's such a nice story. I'm so glad y/n has finally found the one." Your sister roped you into a tight hug.

            "I know." You forced a smile, feeling majorly uncomfortable with all the lies you just told her. But as long as she assumed the best in you, she lived a happy existence. That's all you ever wanted for her.

 ~~~

            From there, your sister coordinated with the Shelby family to put the wedding together. The closer the date got, the more nervous you became. Sure you'd gotten to know Tommy, but on a very shallow level. It was hard to know him better when you were both so busy with regular work on top of planning a wedding.

            When the day came, you oddly woke up with a sense of peace. Your stomach wasn't in knots, your palms were sweaty, and you didn't have the overwhelming urge to run. That peace maintained all the way to the altar. Maybe it was just a sign that it was meant to be.

            When Tommy lifted the veil from your face, you found yourself staring back at the blue eyes that had been sneaking into your dreams the last few nights. For a moment, you forgot to breathe. Was this really the man you were marrying? It was hard to trace back how you'd gotten there, but in that briefest of moments, before the preacher began to speak, you felt so happy. It was strange happiness, a happiness that you wondered if was valid or not. But at the end of the ceremony, you realized happiness was happiness. You were getting what you wanted. And if the bonus addition was falling in love, then you were ready for that.

 ~~~

            Later on in the reception, you excused yourself to find Tommy. He was outside in the garden smoking a cigarette.

            It was still hard to believe the house you now lived with him. Having a flat in London to now living in an estate with acres of open land. But there were a lot of things you had to get used to.

            You sat down next to Tommy and he offered you a cigarette. You stuck it between your lips and leaned forward so he could light it for you.

            "Tired of my family yet?" Tommy asked with a small smile.

            "No, they're lovely." You replied after a drag. "I think we'll get along well. They know how to party."

            He chuckled. "That they do." He agreed.

            You both looked out into the night, watching the sky fade to black. Some fireflies danced across the lawn, almost blinking to the sounds around them. Night birds and the rustle of wind in the trees.

            "My parents used to bring my sister and me out to the countryside every summer." You remembered. The scent of clean air brought out memories that you hadn't unearthed in years. "Not in a house like this." You laughed. "Just a little cottage."

            "We were always on the road in the summer," Tommy said. "There was nothing better than camping outside and just..." He shrugged and shook his head. "Getting away from all that shit in the city."

            "You lose touch of a lot of things." You agreed.

            Silence fell over you again. Then, Tommy stubbed his cigarette out on the gravel. "What was your favorite game to play as a kid?" He asked.

            You smiled. "Oh, I'm not sure I mean...we jumped rope. I was pretty good at that."

            He rolled his eyes. "God, Ada would always make us spin the rope for her, it was exhausting."

            "That's sweet, what a good older brother." You cooed.

            "I swear sometimes I still have shoulder aches from that." He muttered.

            "I'm pretty sure you got more injuries from riding horses than spinning rope." You teased.

            "Well...I suppose."

            "What was your first horse?"

            There wasn't even a time for hesitation because Tommy knew it all by heart. "First one I rode was Hank. Little Welsh pony." He held his hand up. "Maybe twelve hands, if that. Stubborn little git. Dumped me off so many times."          

            You smiled and moved closer to him so you could rest your head on his shoulder. "Tell me more." You requested.

            Tommy paused and you could almost feel him looking at you, trying to decipher the gesture. But he didn't say anything. He only wrapped an arm around your shoulders. "First one I officially owned...I guess that was Gus. He was a Morgan, well built. Best connection I've had with a horse..."

            Both of you forgot there was even a party going on in the house behind you. You were too busy talking. You talked the entire night without a long pause. That same peaceful feeling overcame you. An indication that you were in the right place.

[mayatheamazon]

Whats your workout routine? Im an absolute stick of a girl but i really want to be strong and plan on going back to the gym when things open up 💚 (i have some workout equipment here at home)

Oh SWEET! I love when fellow women wanna be strong! 💪🏽 😄💓

LONG POST AHEAD GUYS!!

First of all I’m excited for you and luckyyy you got some workout equipment at home so that’s an awesome start :), secondly, just a disclaimer: I am in no way licensed for personal training or anything haha so without further ado:

For strength training I aim for at least 5-7 reps (repetitions of the exercise), which is good for warming up so you don’t waste your energy of doing 10 reps of weights you already feel comfortable with. It’s also a good amount for lifting those challenging weights.

My general guideline is if you feel comfortable doing 7-10 reps of a weight, you should try to move up to a weight that’s a lil heavier. That’s called progressive overload baybee! Because you’re progressively using weights that kinda overload your body a bit so you get stronger. I try to conserve my energy by taking breaks, drinking water, etc in between each set of reps.

Having a spotter / another person to save you from crushing your skull n shit really helps for making PRs (personal records) so you can lift heavier weights than you normally use, without yknow dying if the weights get to be THAT heavy, for your major exercises such as benching, squatting, etc. They only really help you usually by lifting 5-10 lbs of the weight youre trying to lift, sometimes not even that. Im about 100 lbs heavy, and made a squat PR of 155 one time without my mom even touching the bar!!! She was there tho, right behind me, so psychologically I felt 10000x more ready and brave enough to squat. And I went for 12 whole reps. Sometimes spotters help you to re rack your weights or unrack. I’ve gotten stronger from having my parents help me, and I’ve also done the same for my huge buff parents. Works well. Accepting help is the BEST!!!

So here’s my split and here’s what I do. My workouts are different every time but I always train LARGEST muscle groups - SMALLEST muscle groups/ isolate a muscle. Descending order of energy burn.

A lot of these I can’t even rly do because gyms are closed. I mostly improvise with homemade weights now or the dumbbells my mom shares w me now ; I do not have a homemade gym tho :,)

Green = core workouts, that I always include no matter what. They’re the “largest” muscle groups and are often seen in powerlifting competitions because they’re the most crucial for building strength.

LEGS (/GLUTES):

- squats (front & back, changing foot position from straight on & shoulder width apart, to toes facing out wards, to legs being wider apart, to legs being super wide apart (sumo position))

- deadlifts (changing my foot position the same way as squats) — these do LEGS and BACK

- leg press (leg press machine & sled machine)

- hacksquats

- walking lunges, reverse lunges

- hamstring machine

-calves (I sometimes do it after leg extensions)

- leg extensions (isolating your quads this shit BURNS! I love to do DROP SETS (in which I do progressive overload and then do as many reps of my heaviest weight as I can before I can’t, then I DONT TAKE A BREAK I DONT STOP as I drop the weight down by a little bit, do as many reps as I can before my legs give out on this safe machine, and I repeat until I’m legit down to using like 5-10 lbs and can barely do reps of that. That’s how you get a SICK pump btw, by doing drop sets for pretty much anything if it’s safe of course don’t be dumb and do that for benching with no spotter and then kill your chest and die)

- sometimes I mix in more glute workouts like hip thrusts, hip abductions, donkey kicks, fire hydrants w a booty band, or I do wall sits for a few minutes at a time to kill/ pump my quads.

- then I do the stepmill machine squeezing the hell outta my butt and legs going up 2 steps at a time after my leg workout, pretty slow, just to get blood flow in all of my legs again. Or bike. Or any other cardio. Even some sprints. I don’t do much cardio when I’m bulking because I don’t like to lose my gains but some cardio is good for strength building.

BACK & BICEPS (my split does the complimentary opposite muscles, meaning to contract back muscles I use biceps too; and for chest pressing I’m using my triceps):

- lat pull downs with free weights (the plates) on a couple different machines because the change of hand position is EVERYTHING

- lat pullbacks with free weights (I do one arm at a time sometimes because short arms and that’s the only way I can do that)

- lat pull downs with different bars/ handles make all the difference in cable machines

- lat pullbacks with cable machines

- lat pullbacks with dumbbells

- pull-ups (not powerlifting comp exercise but still a core exercise for me; I do drop sets in the assist machines by adding assistance each time after doing it unassisted is too difficult), or if you’re doing it from home I use my kitchen counter.

- any other back or bicep machines gyms may have; I like to explore

- curls ( classic curls, curls where you stop and start at a certain point (not full range), hammer curls, standing vs sitting with your back to a bench, preacher curls, one arm at a time vs both arms)

CHEST AND TRICEPS:

- bench press w bar (I switch my chest days between incline and decline; often doing flat benching after either)

- that with dumbbells now

- chest press machine ( again, incline or flat/decline)

- Arnold’s (I do those on chest AND shoulder day) theyre hard to master

- chest flys with dumbbells, cables, and / or machine

- [for incline chest I have my head on the bench and my body hanging off, knees at a 90° angle, torso parallel to the ground, holding 1 end of a dumbbell making a diamond shape with my fingers without my Versagrips on and I lift a dumbbell over my head kinda like skull crushers except straight arms and I go past my head, fuck I forgot what the exercise is called]

- pushups (changing hand position by width does a lot. Sometimes even having hands together making a diamond shape w the thumb and index finger works the triceps like you wouldn’t believe)

- tricep dips

- tricep extensions behind the head with dumbbells

- cable tricep extensions

- skullcrushers ( gosh that name is so hardcore)

- tricep machines if they have anymore

SHOULDERS: (mix n match with arms)

- shoulder press with dumbbells (preferably sitting so no assistance from momentum but standing is cool too :))

- press with the smith machine, esp if no spotter

- once again Arnold’s

- lifting dumbbells from your side or front, having hands either vertical or horizontal, arms straight, til the hands are extended and right at shoulder or eye level

- holding a free weight like a steering wheel arms extended kinda above head level, turning the wheel left and right, slowly.

- shrugs (machine or dumbbells or barbell )

- handstand push-ups against a wall

- downward dog pushups

- any other machines I may b missing

CORE ( I do everyday because it’s all about burning the abdominals as consistently as possible if you want definition, same sorta w biceps; the weight you use doesn’t matter as much as just the act of pumping them):

- crunches ( lower ab crunch, full crunch, normal crunches)

- sit-ups (in the fitness gram pace test, not to brag but I fûçkin won for those so 😎 LMAOO)

- Romanian whateverthefucks Where you sit back reclining, feet on ground, knees bent, slowly bringing a weight/ kettlebell/ weighted ball left n right across the hips

- bicycles

-burpees

- planks

- mountain climbers

- leg lifts holding onto an overhead bar

- anything else on the Internet; there are infinite ab exercises guaranteed and that’s the beauty of it

So that’s pretty much an exhaustive list of all the exercises I can think of; I don’t always get to all of them because I like to prevent overtraining and getting to eating ASAP after I get a pump to build my muscles and recover as fast as possible. Plenty of food, plenty of rest rest, plenty of water, plenty of stretching does the trick my guy. I like to do yoga at night before sleeping sometimes so I’m not sore as frick the next day (sometimes doesn’t work)

Anyways I love it all. The burn, the pump, the soreness the day after ... it’s all a sign of hard work and it actually working. Consistency is your bff. I believe in you. Time for being strong bb

Best of luck for your strength journey !!!!

💖- Maya

PS: have this pic I posted on my insta ( same url as my tumblr)

11 months can do HELLA

[inmyarmswrappedin]

DRUCK reactions - s4 ep3

Featuring: the clip that made me infinitely more interested in the season.

Oops, I forgot to link to the Nadia clip twitter thread. It’s there now!

(Thanks again to @wodrueckts! 💛)

CLIP 1: What is this, a tent for ants?

LISTEN. Tua is already the smallest in the girl squad, and that tent doesn’t even look like she can lay fully stretched out inside.

I was so disturbed by this that I looked up 1-person tents, and they don’t look that small! They are longer and thinner.

Amira’s mom comes outside and she’s also disturbed, but not by Amira using a toddler-sized tent, but Amira going camping at all. She’s like, we’re going to have a conversation about traveling while hijabi, but Amira isn’t in the mood.

And her mood is further spoiled because Sam texts her hoping that she can hook her up with Mohammed.

Amira’s mom brings her some pepper spray, and holy shit! Is that legal in Germany? (Answer: yes, it is, but it’s sold as “animal repellent.”)

I’ve traveled on my own before but I’ve always stayed in B&Bs, hostels or hotels. Ngl I wouldn’t even couchsurf at a stranger’s without some kind of protective device, like a portable door lock. I would never carry a weapon because you never know if you’re going to use it properly in the heat of the moment, but something like a personal alarm for runners would work in a camping setting. Take care of yourself if you’re traveling on your own!

CLIP 2: Lemonade pining

Jonas is going on about supporting sea rescue efforts of African migrants in the Mediterranean Sea, a big topic last year because of the Salvini administration (in Italy) approving a law to fine migrant rescue ships. Salvini has been ousted since, and sea rescue has disappeared from the news what with 2020 being a dumpster fire and all.

Essam, high on power, demands that his slave Amira makes him some lemonade, but I already described my issues with this storyline last week. After threatening Amira with the ever classic sibling-on-sibling physical violence, Amira relents.

Mohammed comes in as Amira is sulkily preparing some lemonade for Essam, and he makes a flirty comment about Amira’s ice cold stare again.

The sweet thing about Mohammed is that he fully admits that he finds Amira intimidating, like he totally recognizes that Amira can be unapproachable when she wants to (even though Amira M. is also one of the friendliest Sanas), but like… For one thing he doesn’t neg her about it. He’s playful about Amira being scary, but he’s not trying to bring her down. And for another, Mohammed tries to find ways in which he fits into Amira’s life or can help her in some way.

This will keep coming up with them, but it happens here when he thinks of a way to prank Essam and, as a result, cheer Amira up.

Peep at the interaction between Amira and Mohammed when they come out with the lemonade. They don’t exchange a word, but they’re such a team.

CLIP 3: Beware bicyclists

Amira, apparently still on a high since the lemonade prank, is strolling down the street singing to herself, as I believe most of us have done at some point.

Jonas asks for Amira’s help with his solidarity party, further characterizing Amira as the one they all go to for help.

Sam also texts Amira. She’s found Mohammed’s insta, which makes Amira’s face fall for a moment… Even though Mohammed keeps seeking Amira out, it feels like Sam might be able to hook up with him through sheer force of will? Or maybe Amira is kinda hoping Sam’s crush goes away, but it ain’t.

There’s something really Formal about that family photo that makes it lowkey funny, like I can imagine that pic being one Mohammed’s family sends to their relatives (caption about family and all), instead of one would post on instagram. Somehow, you can feel Mohammed’s latent dad energy just waiting to be discovered.

Even though this wasn’t the way Amira wanted to come across that pic, Mohammed just looks so damn fine that she can’t help but zoom in on his face, a Druck classic at this point.

And she’s so focused on the thirst that she almost gets run over by an islamophobic bicyclist, who thoroughly spoils her day.

This is such a Northern Europe thing btw. I think each one of my friends who has lived in the bike using part of Europe for any period of time has a story about a bicyclist yelling profanities at them. It’s like they’re saving the planet with their lack of gas use so they have to be extra dickish to compensate for their do gooding.

Amira also looks around as this happens, maybe to see if someone else witnessed what happened (for support?).

Anyway, Amira is so angry that she double texts Sam (or possibly just texts? I checked a couple times and it isn’t clear that she sent Sam the text where she translates the caption about family) to be careful with Mohammed as Arabs will fuck you over. She does a double take to herself, like she’s checking with herself that this was appropriate, and seems to decide it is.

I really dislike the context here. When this happened on Skam, it was part of a larger conversation between Sana and Noora where it was clear that Sana was repeating stereotypes in order to discourage Noora’s interest. And even in that conversation, what Sana said is that Muslim guys will sleep with white Norwegians because they put out, but in the end they marry Muslim girls. So rather than saying, he’s gonna fuck you over, Sana explains how. What Amira tells Sam is so lacking in context, so random as a response to Sam asking what the caption says, and like… You kinda have to have watched the Skam scene in order for Amira not to come across like a total dick here.

It also makes no sense because Sana knew that Noora had been hurt in the past by guys using her for sex and then discarding her, but a no strings attached hook up is exactly what Sam is after. So like… How would Mohammed wanting just sex and nothing else fuck Sam over anyway?

CLIP 4: Sam is interested in getting fucked (over)

Amira and Sam are doing boxing intervals, and Sam is a bit taken aback by how intense Amira is at something Sam is presumably doing just for fun.

Now imagine they’d actually written a scene around that difference between both girls, instead of a brief subtextual moment for us to read into.

Mohammed comes in during a pause, which Amira is using to get a bit more practice in whereas Sam is showing off to Kiki (sensing a theme they could’ve explored, here).

It looks like he’s going to go say hi to Amira, but Sam gets there first and starts flirting with him, hair twirling and all. Amira looks upset and goes back to boxing.

CLIP 5: Nadia! [crowd cheers]

At this point when the season was dropping, I was, to be completely honest, a little bored. Like the clips were cute and all, but I wasn’t excited. (Of course, you have to keep in mind that this was in comparison to my excitement levels during Matteo’s season, where so much as a glimpse of David made my synapses light up.)

I loved this clip and immediately posted a full on analysis on twitter (which you can read here if you’re interested, but I’ll be rehashing most of it in this post), and it still holds up in rewatch even though they didn’t mine the Nadia/Amira dynamic for all it was worth.

So we open on Nadia and Amira and they’re already looking tense as shit. It doesn’t help that Amira’s mom seems, like, almost relieved that Nadia hasn’t totally cut ties with Amira lmao. And she’s like, “omg you must have so much to talk about!” even though we just saw them looking quiet and uncomfortable.

Amira is all, “never thought you’d be the first one to marry,” and to Nadia’s credit, she takes this comment, which could read as shady, as a friendly observation. She talks a bit about how Ahmed is not like the other dicks, but Amira isn’t convinced, and now she’s definitely shading Nadia.

She also gets on Nadia’s case about going to Dubai for their honeymoon, but Nadia doesn’t defend herself and just looks sheepish.

Kiki comes in with some vegan cupcakes that she made to thank Amira for her help last episode, and you can see how Amira is much more at ease with Kiki. Tbf they did see each other last week, whereas we know Nadia has been out of the picture for a while. Anyway Kiki seems to feel the tension in the air, so she tries to excuse herself.

At this point, Nadia finds her voice to ask Kiki to stay. Is it because she thinks that with Kiki around conversation will flow more freely? Or maybe because she’s hoping that Amira’s irritation will be redirected to this Alman?

After Kiki admires the vegan spread Amira’s mom prepared, we find out that Nadia’s intention is the latter. She all but tells Kiki that Amira told her Kiki was a racist piece of shit. So this is how Nadia gains the upper hand after Amira’s earlier comments.

Amira looks alarmed, but Kiki is like pfff yeah, I was so into Alexander Humberbumber that I might have been the worst s1 Vilde until Amber made her appearance, but now I’m getting dicked down by a good man and I see Amira for the Muslim goddess she is (I’m paraphrasing but not that much!).

Amira looks really touched by Kiki not just 1. Not picking up Nadia’s intention, but also 2. Swiftly clearing the air and complimenting Amira in the process.

Kiki figures out that Nadia is the friend who’s getting married and declares her love for weddings of all kinds but especially Bollywood-style ones. Nadia looks really amused at this and looks at Amira like, “get a load of this girl!” Amira looks a bit embarrassed.

Sidenote to say Druck started building up to Kiki’s love of weddings last episode when she was paging through a wedding magazine spread. Like, they really put in more work into this Kiki/wedding storyline than most storylines last week.

And when Kiki asks if Nadia’s marriage was arranged, Nadia makes fun of Kiki to Amira. Like I would love to say that Nadia isn’t being mean to Kiki, but she is, and the point is to bring Amira down a notch. Now Amira really does look embarrassed, because in some way she��s supposed to be responsible for Kiki not saying something islamophobic. Kiki isn’t Amira’s responsibility, and I’m sure Nadia would agree in other circumstances, but… That’s what Amira gets for calling Nadia out for the Dubai honeymoon!

But as the conversation goes on, it also kind of seems like Nadia takes a liking to Kiki? (I’m mostly assuming because Nadia later invites Kiki to that pre-wedding event.) They talk a little bit about Nadia and Ahmed, and Kiki’s like, “I want to go to a Muslim wedding so fucking bad, Amira, please!”  It’s like… At the moment Amira is the only single female friend Kiki has, but Kiki’s just like, can’t you just get married now though.

Amira’s like NO WEDDINGS, Australia first. And tension falls around the table again, because of course, Nadia didn’t know about this, but Kiki knew about it, so like… It’s just another way in which Amira has become a different person as far as Nadia is concerned.

Let us now talk about Kiki. Like I said, I really loved this clip. In general I love Skams clips where the dynamic feels so lived in and nuanced and multifaceted. This is the first time we see Nadia in the flesh, but we get so much information just from looks and tone of voice. Nadia’s actress and Tua El-Fawwal just rock this scene.

When it aired I took Kiki’s words at face value. Like, this was the way the writers had decided to resolve Kiki being a racist in earlier seasons, and I accepted it. It wasn’t until later that I read criticism of the scene and thought about it a bit more.

In Skam, Isak apologizes to Eva in three separate scenes. In s1, episode 10, she says to Eva, “I fucked up,” “[if I had known Iben was a psycho] then of course I wouldn’t have done it.” In episode 11, “I know it might be hard to believe, but I never wanted to hurt you. It just turned out that way. I’m sorry.” And in s3, “I just want to say sorry for that stuff last year. When I was ruining things for you and Jonas.” Like. You can say that Isak only said sorry because he got caught (though I personally believe he was genuine every time, if not entirely truthful), but the point is that Julie Andem thought it necessary, in order for Isak to remain a likable character, that he apologized three times.

The girl squad never apologized to Sana, they just showed up with the Los Losers van one day.

And while Druck also thought it was necessary for Matteo to be full of self-loathing over what he did to Hanna, they didn’t think Kiki needed to apologize on screen.

One of my least favorite Skams characters is Basile Savary, because he was a total creep to the point that, during s3, Skam France had to release a damage control text out of Lucas L’s POV because people were worried that he might have done something to Daphné while she was drunk. Basile was a creep who respected no boundaries (including dry humping Daphné against her will on social media, which played off as a joke!) until one day he wasn’t and became the perfect boyfriend. No arc where he learned to be a doper person, Skam France said, no we are not going to examine how nerds get away with being gross creeps.

And as much as I would like to say otherwise, Druck did the same with Kiki. Kiki was one of the most overtly racist Vildes in s1, was still making offensive comments about Amira’s and Sam’s hair in s2, and then… Season 4 rolls around and Kiki just says, “oh yeah I was a dick before but now I know Amira is a great Muslim.” Like… At least it didn’t happen from one day to the next, but no, there wasn’t an arc where Kiki is taken to task for her racism, nor a scene where Kiki apologizes to Amira.  

This is an issue specifically because Amira’s season hinges on the Kiki/Amira friendship, like they pretty much got rid of most other conflicts or didn’t explore them fully, choosing instead to focus on this dynamic.

And I don’t think it was because Lea and Tua are such good friends irl (which they are! Lea even attended Tua’s engagement party! I love them!), because like, Tua is also good friends with Carl (Stefan) and we never got an Amira/Stefan scene, did we? I think it was simply that this season was too packed with people of color, and either funk or the writers needed a white character to anchor the season.

I still love Kiki and Amira obviously, I ship them (in fanon) and I love their scenes, because I love Lea and Tua and their friendship, and their characters. All I wanted from s4 of Skam was Vilde supporting Sana in the way Sana had supported Vilde for three seasons, and Druck gave me that. But here’s one thing where the writers dropped the ball, and it’s a massive mistake because the emotional core of the season is this friendship.

This also made me think about how the change of writers resulted in character arcs being dropped left and right. Now that two writing collectives are about to pick up Druck’s next gen, I think there’s an idea that the change in writers in the first four seasons wasn’t noticeable, but honestly… It kind of was. I would argue that a lot of the things that were set up in s1 and s2 got dropped and didn’t go anywhere. To wit:

Hanna’s arc in s1 is trashed in s4. Jonas is set up with a redemption arc in s2 that isn’t explored past that season. The Winterberg of s2 has nothing to do with the s4 ship. Kiki is still being racist in s2 and a shining example of allyship in s4. The little depth that Sam had in s1 and s2 gets dropped. Amira’s delivery job… Enough said. The one character whose character arc through the seasons was done justice I would argue is Matteo. He gets a shift in characterization after s1 to make the storyline with David make more sense (more on this if I ever write Matteo’s season meta), and retains that characterization to the end. Of the minor characters, Carlos and Abdi also come out well. David gets introduced in s3 when Q3 took over the writing, so he wasn’t affected.

Anyway, this clip totally revitalized the season.

CLIP 6: Amira praying, that’s it, that’s the clip

Mohammed is at the door waiting for Amira, and when Amira asks him if Sam is already there, he says he’s not here because of Sam. And I’m like, does he mean that literally? Like Amira could’ve assumed Sam invited him to this party, but Mohammed did meet the squads last episode. Maybe he asked Jonas if Amira was coming or got himself invited some other way.

Amira’s like sure, and gets inside. And Mohammed looks at her in such a way that even I need to fan myself a little tbh.

Hanna compliments David’s design, and Matteo’s like yeah, David is great, but I’d rather shit on Stefan. Idk, I feel like the Matteo in my mind would want to hype David up a little more before moving onto shitting on Stefan, but it’s a small quibble.

Amira goes to help Sam in the kitchen, and they both have some trouble making German food. I can’t tell if it’s because they’re generally bad at cooking or this is a commentary on white people’s palates. Or Abdi’s palate since he’s still going on about hollandaise sauce.

Oh, Sam explains that she told Mohammed about the party and he got on board. So he is there because of Sam, kinda.

They also talk about Mohammed having the coolest insta (pro: Mohammed has at least one topless pic, con: Mohammed has a pic wearing flip flops with socks), and how Abdi doesn’t compare because he doesn’t have an insta (yet). I mean… Damn, Sam. You can’t argue with logic like that.

But Sam calls Amira out on being weird lately. Again, I really wish this conversation didn’t rely so much on subtext, so it could be properly developed. Also, a new version of Snow’s Informer is playing in the background during this conversation and I can’t help but love the mood whiplash of it all.

Then something confusing happens when Jonas introduces the music act and says they come from Lebanon and traveled to Germany by train and then the lead singer says they’re from Berlin. They’re called Feedback and I tried googling them to find out what that’s all about, but with that name I didn’t get any results about them.

At least this is the kind of band that would play at an event like this, like they seem good enough to do a performance, but not big enough that there’s no believable way Jonas could book them.

Amira and Mohammed have a ~Moment~ when the audio switches to the version of Sand performed by Lary, and the sexual tension is so overwhelming for Amira that she immediately leaves to get some praying done, in the privacy of the venue’s backroom.

This scene is so iconic and beautiful. That shot of Amira being lit from above, looking up with her hands held before her? Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, etc. The kind of sequence that needs both a Muslim performer and behind the scenes respect for said Muslim performer.

Amira overhears some argument as she’s folding the carpet she was using, and then she sees that Mohammed was blocking the door, so that she could pray in peace. Can we get a #notallmen here? Thanks. Again, Mohammed just finds little ways in which he can help and support Amira without being intrusive.

Mohammed compliments Amira’s friends for trying to help refugees (although sea rescue is more about migrants in general, rather than refugees). I think something that is lost in translation is that German is obviously not Mohammed’s first language, so I think this scene is more significant and subtext-laden for German speakers.

Amira is probably still smarting from her earlier run in with the racist biker, so she (who’s always said she wants to be Chancellor) says that Jonas will probably become Chancellor one day. Mohammed says no! Amira should be Chancellor, but Amira doesn’t think anyone wants that. 🙁 But Mohammed says he does, and he says “we” need someone who fights for “us” (which Amira probably interprets as “us Muslims,” but Mohammed might mean more like, “us refugees”).

Also, Mohammed thinks that Amira was trying to matchmake him with Sam, which we know it was more like the opposite, but it’s very in line for Mohammed to think Amira was trying to get rid of him.

Then Mohammed asks Amira for her phone and is all, “don’t you trust me?” and Amira’s like, “no,” which is hilarious. After a while, Amira wants her phone back and Mohammed notices Amira accidentally cut herself with the knife earlier. He puts a cute bandaid on it, and they have yet another Moment. They’re so into each other that Amira goes, “omg I love this song! Let’s go in!” But Mohammed is now sure his feelings are requited.

Social media

Kiki slept at the new apartment even though it’s falling apart, a sign that that she can’t stand being at her mom’s house. Later, Zoe texts her and Kiki says she’ll be available whenever Zoe needs her, but she also just… doesn’t want to live at her mom’s.

Matteo and David (but really just Lukas) attended the Berlin CSD (Pride) march.

Mia posts a pic of a cortado coffee, and I totally believe this was taken in Madrid. 👌

Carlos missed the Abiball because he failed his History resit, then he missed Jonas’ birthday because he was sick, and this week he’s visiting Brandenburg with Kiki, and what I’m getting from all this is that maybe Carlos’ actor had other commitments during this time lol.

Amira and Mohammed both post pics acknowledging their Moment under the lights/with the bandaid, showing Amira is getting more emotionally committed to this relationship.

Final thoughts

While I did have some issues with this episode, it was much more solid overall than episode 2. Nadia’s actress really delivered in her intro clip and I wish they’d explored that dynamic a bit more, but the character kind of takes a backseat after this. Although I don’t feel like Amira and Mohammed have a motif or object that they keep revisiting (like Jonas and Hanna with Hanna’s nose, or Mia and Alex with Hotel Hardenberg, or David and Matteo with the sandwiches*), I like their dynamic where Mohammed is supportive of Amira’s endeavors, which this episode solidifies. I also really love the significance of Amira getting to complete her prayer thanks to Mohammed. In Skam, Sana gets constantly interrupted until later in the season, where she gets to pray for all her friends.

[* I thought about this a bit more, and I think one motif Mohammed and Amira share is music, and singing to each other.]

I discussed this episode with Michi, and we came to the conclusion that the root conflict between Amira and Nadia is that Amira feels like that, to be with a man, is to compromise yourself and your principles. Nadia didn’t use to be the person who’d be the first to marry, or who’d go on a honeymoon to Dubai, and Amira sees that chance as Nadia losing sight of her ideals. But, in the last clip, Mohammed’s actions allow Amira to be who she fully is, and to finish her prayer. So the idea is planted, that Amira wouldn’t necessarily have to compromise her principles if she got into a relationship. Of course, Mohammed is probably one of the people who’d most compromise Amira’s ideals if she were to date him, but we’re not at that point yet.  

[cards-onthetable]

Hi, is this Jamko Grievances Hotline?

(This is it y’all, Aussie’s letting loose. Straight text is hers; any of my own additions are italicized. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, AUSSIE!)

My perception of Eddie season 4 - younger than Jamie, sheltered upbringing, bit of a private school princess as we say here. Rookie so she has a steep learning curve ahead of her. All pretty normal I think. Fyi I don't buy the BS that nobody saw their chemistry etc behind the scenes. Her whole "You're my first Reagan, be gentle" was to me the very beginning of this farce. It was obvious she was brought into the show to be his eventual love interest.

Season 5 - 1st episode Jamie loses his shit when Eddie pushed to the ground. Eddie apparently doesn't realise Jamie wants to jump her bones? doubt it but ok writers. His talk with Erin about Teresa Mancini being his first crush because Jamie likes opinionated bossy women etc. So writers/producers clearly want idea in viewers minds that yeah he wants her but noble, never-screw-your-partner Jamie Reagan denies it and Eddie supposedly remains oblivious.

Episode 2 - Jamie sides with Kara Walsh much to Eddie's disgust. It's Eddie that talks about bringing stink back with him etc after he partners with Walsh. It's Eddie talking about nobody trusts a rat etc etc. (geez I hate season 9)

The rest of the season passes with Eddie being kidnapped  (Jamie handled that smoothly didn't he)? and  Eddie's first kill. He wants to be there for her. Eddie also wants him there. Ok I get slow burn in TV shows but they in my mind have already crossed lines emotionally and MR HARVARD GRAD on some level has to know this. Eddie always showed signs of knowing she had feelings in my opinion.

Eddie undercover and Jamie loses his shit with Danny about getting his partner out etc. Danny and Maria knew about their feelings. Hell seems basically the entire precinct did but ok this slow burn shit continues all the while Jamie believing can't go there because dangerous on job blah blah blah. Sorry but you are already compromised. (AGREED. They’ve been emotionally compromised since early on.)

Season 6 - More interesting for me because Eddie started to be more his equal I felt. She would express opinions and argue more with him. But I did not like her "do you know who my partner's father is" BS (same, I still struggle to categorize that as a momentary lapse in judgment? A scared gut reaction when she got confronted? Not sure, but it was gross). They also had a fight in episode 11 when Eddie got them assigned to a detective detail. Eddie's "I'm not gonna apologise for wanting a career". Opinionated Eddie on display. You know the type Jamie is always attracted to. But still this slow burn BS continues. 

Season 7 - Well we all know how that played out. The year they confess feelings (no, the year Eddie confessed feelings in a moving, vulnerable moment and Jamie stammered about bad ideas and roads they’ve been down before. 😒😒), pash, attend out of town weddings together and get into fights. But yeah ok JUST PARTNERS. Honestly fuck off BB it's just a farce. Oh wait we are now going to ignore the kiss etc. Erase it from your memories like it never happened folks. UGH UGH UGH.

Season 8 - Mostly about Danny and losing Linda at first. OK I can deal with that. Jamko dinner date at the Chinese restaurant and we're reviving the sexual tension again. JUST FUCK ALREADY. But nope surprise Eddie has a boyfriend called Barry. Well she is entitled to her life considering the WE ARE JUST PARTNERS BS!! But apparently this boyfriend is enough to make Jamie stop and think as opposed to the other men that have come and gone. Yeah she got shot, Jamie could've lost her etc etc. Barry mentioned again so Eddie was still with him or had very recently split oh hey surprise WE'RE ENGAGED - (Adam Sandler starts in my head BUT IT ALL WAS BULLSHIT IT WAS A GODDAMN JOKE).

As an aside I absolutely hated the episode where Eddie recognised the absolute pig from her past and used her job to get even. Showing Eddie to be that unprofessional and needing to be brought to heel by Jamie and Erin really pissed  me off. That right there is why Eddie is considered beneath Jamie by the I hate Eddie brigade. I understand being shocked running into the guy but showing Eddie to have such poor judgement just didn't sit well. And hey T.O. you failed cos you probably should've taught her that you can't use your authority for personal gain but clearly you didn't but you know it's wrong so the all powerful Reagans can get you out of the trouble silly little Eddie tried to get herself in.

Season 9 - ARE THEY FUCKING JOKING? 

1 - Still working together because their judgement won't be affected in a negative way. oops Eddie trapped in fire and Jamie loses his shit.  But ok engaged and working together CHANGES NOTHING

2 - Jamie promoted and getting transferred and immediately Eddie brings up putting in for a transfer. He says no. He then requests her. She says no. Good maybe they really will let them be separated at work which given it meant Eddie basically relegated to family dinners surprised me.

3 - Oh my guy's being talked about meanly. This won't do. FYI I actually was ok with Jamie appearing a bit irritated when she arrived at work as his girlfriend. I like to keep home and personal separate so I could understand his less than thrilled reaction but that's not everyone's cup of tea and I understand that. But hey spoiler BB his colleagues have seen his girlfriend you morons, so transferring her into work there by end of episode and pretending people don't know IS BULLSHIT

4 - Think I already discussed this with @ontherockswithsalt but I was irritated. Jamie made it clear he did not trust that detective and Eddie seemed to see it solely as an attack on her capabilities. Old Eddie I think would've at least listened. But SHIT goes wrong and it is Jamie coming to rescue Eddie. I understood why the majority felt Jamie over stepped and Eddie is trained etc. But she had found herself in an out of control situation because she was pinned with breath knocked out of her and help was not coming until it had gone further. Jamie is aware of what this arse would be rapist is doing. He is aware of Eddie's history with sexual assault. He does not trust this detective. THE MAN IN JAMIE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT HIS WOMAN WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY WORKING TOGETHER IS TOTAL BULLSHIT KEVIN WADE AND YOU KNOW IT. That was not Sergeant  Reagan that was ANGRY JAMIE out to play. But Eddie is upset which i get because she feels it's an attack on her capabilities and no chick is gonna be happy with that and she talks about "we agreed we'd separate work and home Jamie you gotta choose". 

5 - It was Eddie telling Sean about what it means to be a Reagan, higher standards etc etc. Oh look a little bit of affection seeing Jack off. Works for me because they are at home, not working. 

6 - He puts both Maya and Eddie on foot patrol AND SHE DEFENDS HIM? Oh come on Old Eddie is not that stupid. Sorry it's Eddie 2.0 this season, I forgot. So again it's Jamie Reagan the HARVARD GRAD telling her that was a mistake well NO SHIT and old Eddie wouldn't have done it.

7 - I kinda enjoyed that low growl as he went to kiss her in the kitchen. Her mum's a delight but to me supportive Jamie was on display this episode because they were at home. He can be Jamie there. At work he's supposedly Sergeant Reagan not Jamie.

8 - Jamie upset with his decision and Eddie is supportive. Only really saw them at home so nothing really annoyed me here.

9 - Eddie and Maya and 2 others supposedly bullied and Jamie has to explain why it's a bad look. Not convinced old Eddie would be so keen to just let the loud mouths go but maybe the point was to suggest Eddie really not that capable without Jamie by her side? Oh no it's not that because Eddie caught the wanted killer. You girl. Then their boss tells Frank he's not blowing smoke when praising them. So what their CO does know?

10 - NO NO NO. EDDIE FLAT OUT LIES WHEN ASKED BY MAYA HOW LONG THEY BEEN SLEEPING TOGETHER. BUT OH NO JAMIE IN A SHOOT OUT AND HERE COMES EDDIE RUNNING SERGEANT REAGAN ARE YOU OK WITH THE PUPPY EYES. But ok sure Maya and co believe you aren't screwing. BULLSHIT

11 - Jamie stuffs up. Did that actually happen? He makes a mistake someone gets shot and nothing is said? SAY WHAT? Also Eddie has to pull Jamie off the shooter and is calling him Jamie which apparently is wrong so again THEY ALL KNOW YOU ARE SCREWING FOLKS.

12 - I'm annoyed that anyone can mention 100k and wedding in same breath but hey maybe that's really what a wedding in NYC costs. Wedding talk bores me so I found that episode blah. He certainly needs to learn to express himself better. The venue seemed ok I guess.

13 - Wedding dress description to the guy you gonna marry? I'm bored. Oh wait personal and professional lives must be separated so yeah it seems really logical to therefore be discussing their issues at work. What's this did Jamie just tell her he loves her in busy precinct? Ok maybe it's me who has a head injury because I thought we were still playing secret squirrel.

14 - Not that much Jamko really but hey Henry while I understand Danny's point I am firmly team Jamie because how on Earth can he maintain any discipline/control when his own brother totally disregards him? Henry and Frank care more about Frank's precious job and the family name. OH Fuck Me Frank Reagan's bullshit is a separate rant. Did love the dinner table spat though. Give me more of that. Also kinda impresses by that saga at the end.

15 - we've discussed this

16 - Nice to see them working together I guess 

17 - Maya corrupt. I'm ho hum in a way. I kinda think making the first black recurring police officer corrupt plays into the ‘blue bloods is racist’ crowd but I really don't know enough about the culture there. I did like Jamie having her arrested  at roll call because I'm all for sending a message. Again this woking together and screwing is BS but hey that's the theme of the season.

18 - Who knows I haven't seen much but I'm over it. IT DOES NOT WORK. END OF STORY.

But in closing Eddie does look like can't be trusted in my opinion because she came to the new precinct that was known to be trouble. And for a year her and her boss have been lying. Jamie has the Sergeant has power. Eddie does not. Given how rats are seen how does Eddie's position not come with major blow back when all is revealed? Jamie can't shield her cos that'd be playing favourites and hey we keep work and home separate (except for when we don't) BECAUSE IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.

If the go ahead with season 10 and I'm silly enough to watch I am hoping for serious fallout. I want Eddie ostracised at work because I think that is realistic and they supposedly pride themselves on being real. I think it would be interesting character development for Eddie and also for Jamie because HEY HARVARD HOW'S BEING A BULLSHIT ARTIST WORKING FOR YA? I'd like to see HARVARD have to grapple with how his stupidity has truly affected the woman he loves. And hey maybe Eddie can return to her old self.

This dummy spit written and authorised by Aussie.

Sorry if I've broken your eyes due to eye rolling.

[coffethoughts]

Thyroid

Chapter: My Thyroid is an Asshole

Hey I'm Thyroid and I'm an asshole.

Just kidding, thyroids can't talk.

I'm here to talk for it. To tell you what the doctors don't because you deserve to know your thyroid is in fact an asshole.

Many of you don't even know where or what a thyroid is, if you know it's in the neck, that is a good start, and if you can tell me what a thyroid does, then that is even better. Though Most of you can't, most of you have no idea what a thyroid does. I hardly knew, but it's basic though. It does everything. It is the sole purpose of your existence. I know everyone says your brain, heart, lungs etc. And yeah those are kind of big deals...But your thyroid controls those. Its the motherboard to the body. A little study session for us all:

Basic thyroid knowledge; The thyroid is a TWO INCH LONG (2 inches people, who says size matters) butterfly shaped gland in the front of your neck that controls your metabolism (we all know what a metabolism is right? Go google it if not, that’s not what this story is about) the thyroid is part of your endocrine system, which makes hormone chemicals. Those hormones help control many of your bodies functions. There are two hormones made by the thyroid gland that help regulate your metabolism, which helps break down what you eat to make energy. They can also effect how fast your heart beats, how deep you breath, whether or not you gain or lose weight, body temperature, cholesterol levels, women’s menstrual cycles and a lot more.

So to sum it up... If your thyroid decides to stop doing its job. You need to come to terms with it. You need to understand the changes your body will make, and it won't be easy. You're going to get irritated, tired, cranky, warm, possibly fat or skinny, mad, forgetful, agitated and you won't know why, half the time there is no “why”. I’ll tell you one thing, you need a good support system, someone who will research, listen, tolerate, help and care for you… I had that. That was the easiest part of going through all of this, still going through it. This change, the changes, the tests, the pills, the new ways of life will always change, you will change. Keep that support system, tell them what you’re going through, always talk about anything on your mind, do not do it alone, do not keep anything hidden. If it the right person, they will not judge, leave, embarrass, or dislike you.

Now I know I was a brat growing up, but who wasn't. I was a kid. I always had energy. Never depressed. No anxiety or care in the world. And you know what, maybe I do now because I'm older and the world is a tough place. Or maybe my thyroid is just an asshole.

Who knows.

What I do know is no matter the change, no matter what is happening I understand, and I can control it. I can’t change what happened, I can’t change that I no longer have one, or what happened to it. But I can control what happens in my life and how I deal with it.

Diagnosed at sixteen, tests until I was eighteen, let me tell you, scared of needles before, I'm not now. Poked and prodded to tell me what, that I have a "super common cancer" and it'll be an easy fix. HA! Imagine it was easy. I mean ok it was an easy fix to remove and to recover. Moving from the wheelie bed to the room bed… not easy. Try this just lay down on the floor and move, still laying, from one spot to the other and really focus on how much neck muscle you use… picture that after just having surgery.

Side note, to the person who paid for my single room, thank you, who ever you were, to the nurses that kept waking me up to take my blood who I saw at dairy queen and you remembered me, thank you. To the volunteers who gave me a card making craft book, thank you, to the family and friends who brought me teddys and magazines and books, thank you and to all the doctors involved in the surgery, the diagnosis, the tests, everyone. Thank you.

They didn't put in small print "side effects, everything you came to know about your body will change" The thing they don't tell you is it literally controls everything. The best thing now is to research, explain, ask questions, talk to others, take your medication, go to the check ups, learn how to deal with the changes, learn to identify what is you and what it your thyroid, learn to control, learn to talk about it.

Chapter; College

Last year (5 years after surgery) during my first year of college. 7 hours from home. I was tired all the time. I napped every day, if I didn't I was falling asleep in class. I forgot assignments and test answers even when I studied for days. I was also depressed and scared, worried, had little panic attacks, honestly didn't know why. I mean I was away from home and "alone" but I was happy.

I mean I have been forgetful my entire life, I was tested in high school for a learning disorder (thanks mom) and they said I was learning at a grade twelve level, in grade nine.. No big deal, just a genius is all… they said my issue was forgetting it all… two second forget… and I have had panic attacks and I’ve been anxious and all that fun stuff, but I was in a relationship I didn’t know how to be in at that time, or high school where everyone is mean, and I moved from home when I was young into a huge new province, so I thought I had reasons to be who I was. Then when I went to college, the “best years of my life” I wasn’t happy, or who I was and things were changing more and more and it was so confusing. I was so lost.

I started doing research. I looked up symptoms and causes and side effects and what thyroid cancer does because I didn't know. I was just told it had to be removed, who am I to argue with a doctor or mother. I read and read and read, I found out a lot. Full disclosure this is just a bunch of thoughts and words I threw out onto an old laptop, I am not in any way a doctor, therapist, smart person etc. I am just telling you my life story regarding my thyroid and journey. Do your own homework, your own research, talk to people, professionals, I have my own opinion and ways to deal with everything, and you can take what you like or need, but this is not a documentary, just a girl and a computer.

I can't tell you it gets better. Because so far it hasn't. But finding out how to control it and deal with it gets easier. Especially when you know it was the problem in the first place. I mean if the doctors told me all this shit would happen, I would have had a lot better relationship with my mother. Well maybe. It's kind of disappointing when people don't believe you because they can't "see" it. It is hard to have a relationship when you get in trouble a lot for things you can’t control or things you don’t understand. "Well I can't see your cancer, so it probably doesn't exist, you're just looking for attention"

Compassion maybe.. Attention, yeah obviously. Everyone needs/wants attention. We are wired that way, but I am not making things up to get it. I didn’t post on Facebook when I was in the hospital, I don’t go around shoving my scar in everyone’s face, I don’t bring it up at parties to get pitty… I am who I am.. the scar happens to be on my neck, some people see it some do not. Move on.

But I wouldn't sleep 24 hours a day and forget a conversation that happened five seconds ago (And I'm not over reacting) for attention. Mom? Did you hear that! I'm not just looking for attention!

Anyways… A good way to come to terms is to talk about it. I don't enjoy talking about cancer, but to talk with your parents, siblings, and partners is a good idea. Explain what you learned, or research it together,

But talk about it. Because it does help. Research it. Talk to a thyroid specialist. It does help. And if you are on that pill. Take it! Do not miss days. It really messes with your head.

Chapter Dating your thyroid

I had a boyfriend. We dated for almost a year, ended pretty badly in the new year. And I decided to change my life and get my license and go to college. I didn't want to be sad over the break up. Or end up cleaning houses for the rest of my life.

I had a boyfriend before I went to school. But he was more of a best friend. I broke up with him a lot. He pissed me off. Well he pissed off my thyroid. And my thyroid made me do it. Not sure if he'll ever understand because at that point in my life I had no idea why it was happening. And now that I know, it doesn't seem like a big enough deal to track him down just to tell him why I was a dink. (I just assume he thinks it's because I'm a woman)

In the end we broke up for good. A week after I went away for school. Something about trust and me being an asshole. Which mad me mad. But now I can't blame him because it was me. It's always me. And I am completely ok with that. Now. I wasn't before because I blamed everyone else. But after getting sick and tired of being sad and angry all the time. I figured out what the problem is. And my life got easier.

I mean once I get depressed. I can't stop being depressed. But I know it's not for any real reason and I can not really "control" but be at ease with it. I'm not confused. I'm not stressed on looking for answers. Or creating problems that aren't there. Anger I am working on. I've been working on. And I've grown so much with it. I've come a long way. But still have a long way to go.

Now that I understand all my flaws are connected to one giant non existent thyroid. It's "easier" to be in a relationship. Kind of. I still need to convince the other person "it's not you, it's my thyroid" but what kind of first date is that.. Hey I'm Carissa and my Thyroid left a while ago and now I have "thyroid issues""

(Daddy issues, thyroid issues.. Get it? I just laughed for five minutes straight)

Anyways. Dating aside I actually have an amazing boyfriend. The one I had the bad break up with. We reconnected over a summer and trying long distance. It's been different. We've both grown for the better. And now that I have a better understanding of all this, it's easier to hold my anger and change it when theres no real reason for me to be mad.

I remember this one fight. Ended in me leaving with out saying good night. And he texted me saying "I can't keep playing these games" and thats when I asked him to research Thyroid cancer. Thats when I decided to tell him the garbage I've gone through over the last 7 years. And he has been working with me and I him the entire time. We've had one minor fight. And some arguments. But nothing major enough to be unhappy. He's been so understanding and helpful.

And it helps when you have people who care and understand. People you can talk to. With out feeling judged.

Chapter Size matters.

Are you gaining weight or loosing it. Do you have a hard time loosing or gaining weight. Well then you could have a thyroid problem.. Or you just need to hit the gym. But most likely your thyroid is an asshole.

Society says hypocritical things every day about weight. Nothing will make everyone happy at once. And you think just because I'm skinny I have it all?! HA! I get picked on for my size a lot. I've been called everything from "skeletor" to "anorexic". Skinny people have feelings too. It's not my fault I'm this small, I'd love to put on some weight.

I remember this one time. I was at an amusement park at a water slide. You weren't allowed to wear shirts on this water slide. And why would you want to right? Well this girl who wasn't my size was told to remove her shirt. Her friends were a little bigger too, and as she walked all the way back down the stairs instead of taking off her top her friends started bad mouthing skinny people. Like somehow it was my fault I made her take her shirt off. They said things like "men like meat, not bones" knowing full well I was standing right there. I physically can not add weight unless I stayed pregnant for the rest of my life.. And you think I have anger issues now.. Imagine ‪24/7‬ pms for ever. No thank you.‬‬‬

So for a complete stranger to judge me on my body and have no idea what I have gone through and what I will go through for the rest of my life is unfair right? Well put on your big girl panties and get over it. Because nothing about life is fair. Once you except that. You'll be happier.

Maybe she goes home and thinks the exact same thing. I have no idea what she goes through. Maybe her thyroid is over active? Maybe she was made fun of or her parents got divorced and food is comfort. Because we were wired to think that way about food. Some peoples metabolisms are just faster.

What ever the case with those girls. Its their case to work through. And this is mine. I understand I will always be talked about. And I will talk about people. We all do it. I try not to, but once again we were wired that way. Born to judge, society made it "ok".

Judge me on my size, my inability to control my mood swings, my love or need of sleep. It doesn't effect me. It's my life now. And I don't want to waste anymore time on people who don't love me for who I am, not what I look like. Because we all know size really does matter. But what matters more is how you feel about yourself. And I feel pretty damn good. Most of the time. Sometimes my lack of thyroid chimes in and kills the happyness for a little. But I find my way back.

Chapter. Family and you.

Chapter. You an your body.

I've changed a lot over the years. I like meat now. I drink coffee, ginger ale. I don't drink pop much. I don't use much salt.

Chapter. School and me

Grade one.. I peed the chair. Now I can't blame this on my thyroid.. No one knows if I was born with it or it just happened. But we'll say for the sake of the story. That it was my thyroid.. My thyroid gave me anxiety. Fear of rejection. Fear of being humiliated. Like if I ask to use the washroom and the teacher says no..

I don't know why I didn't ask... But I didn't move until everyone had left.

Weird how you remember those things..

Grade five my ear was bleeding. And at that point, my teacher didn't care. That, I have no explanation for. I don't know why she was a grade A A-hole.

Six and seven were tricky.. I was put in french emerge.. Why? I don't know. I barely spoke english properly. When it was the end of grade seven the teacher said "if she stays in french we'll have to hold her back a grade, but we can move her forward if we switch back to english." So we moved to Ontario. And I went Into english. Where I might add I tested at a grade twelve level. Just couldn't remember anything that was taught. Which was extremely hard to deal with, because to this day my mom believes nothing I say when I use the words "I forgot". Dishes, clean my room, pick up my sister, a C on a test. It was hard to deal with.. Having someone who is suppose to be there for you just assume it was all made up. And even after the diagnosis and her hearing the "side effects" from a doctor.

Anyways. I was the worst for tests and terminology. My drivers test.. Four times. The lady new my name. Literally when I finally passed it after the fourth one. She looks up. Says "Carissa... You passed" with a big smile. And every one clapped, no word of a lie. Thats how bad it is.

(I actually forgot the word "terminology" for a few minutes"

It's even hard to tell this story because I can't say I remember much. As ironic as that is.

Going to school was hard. I was in my bubble. Honestly didn't have too many real friends. I was still shy to be my self. I cared what people thought. Am I ever happy that changed. I'm a lot happy knowing I am who I am. Realizing that I can't please everyone even if I tried. At school I was something I was not. Someone I despised. And I regret all of it. I regret not going to class. Not trying. Not studying. But guess who didn't get pregnant? This girl!

And I did graduate. And I guess I'm making it up in college. College is a lot easier then High School. Still drama, but that will be everywhere in life. We feed off it. Know that. And you'll be fine. College is less time spent in class, less cliques. More space. A lot of the days aren't straight through 8 to 3.

In college. I am who I was born to be. With friends and dreams and good grades. I am proud of what I accomplished. And knowing the whole memory thing. It's easier to try harder. And knowing I have to try harder just makes me more proud when I did better on a test then a class mate with a functioning brain.

A lot of people would use this as a "learning disability" and I don't blame them. I have thought about it. I just don't want "freebies" in life. I want to work for it all like everyone else. And people like to believe "if I can't see it, it's not real". I'd assume it'd be a lot of paper work prove.

Chapter Sometimes

Sometimes I am scared. Scared of every creek and sound the house makes. When I'm alone I lose my shit.

I won't move from the couch (usually where I am) and I'll call my roommates or mom (depends where I'm living) for them to come home. And I don't even care if they think I'm a child. At least I'd be a safe child.

Other times I'm not afraid of anything. Nothing. Like this One year I went to this haunted park in Toronto and this man in a mask came up to me to try and scare me while I was reading a sign. I was so miserable and mad that I said "I'm reading, why would you do that?" He apologized and walked away.. If it was an off day for me. I would have cried, And probably pee.Most definitely would have peed.

Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. Or sad for a certain reason. Sometimes though, For the same reason I could be happy, Or mad, Or jealous.

It is confusing for me and people I'm around. Say for instance, my boyfriend. He came to visit. You think I'd be ecstatic and jumping up and down. Nope. I was sad.. Unexplainably sad. And that's annoying. Because I wanted to be happy.

Anyways. So obviously we have had intercourse. I mean come on, Im 24. He's.. Uh I think he's 25? It happened. Well before it didn't hurt and I didn't cry.. Well let me tell you that went out the window. I cried, unexplainably and then I cried more because I didn't know I was crying.

I wish there was more consistency in my life. Perhaps I got to see my boyfriend every weekend. Not just.. Sometimes.. Or I never got cramps or a three day head ache before my "special time" instead of sometimes. So I could expect it. Or be able to explain why I cry sometimes. Why I get over jealous sometimes. Why I'm afraid... Sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to know. It's hard not knowing. It's hard blaming it on my thyroid all the time. To blame my thyroid sometimes would be a relief. Because then I would know what the reasons are for the feelings and emotions I get. Then sometimes I could control them. That'd be nice. Control. Even if it's only sometimes control.

Chapter Don't miss a day

Seriously. If you have had your thyroid removed and now on some synthetic pills. Take them.. Don't mess around. I went a week without them and went mental. I was miserable to be around, distant, boring, mopey and cried a few times for no reason. And it was during March break. It's hard to tell what's you and what's your thyroid anymore. I smartened up and took my pills. Went back to normal, well my version of normal

Chapter the blame game

Chapter me again

Chapter maybe my thyroid didn't do this one.

It's hard to tell sometimes. Oh it's life.. If it would have happened sans Thyroid dismissal. But all in all it's happening. I am lonely. I am sad. And sick and my anxiety is scaring me and I am thinking of ways out and I am frustrated and crying a lot.

I woke up the other day with the flu. I think anyways. Could be a number of things. I'm no doctor and I'm not about to waste a doctors time with a simple silly cold. But any who... I woke up. Was sick, threw up, couldn't sleep, threw up and had a great sleep. But the entire time. I was being lectured and nagged. Not coddled like I wanted to be. All I wanted was love and affection like when I was a kid from my mom. But when you're a grown up who ate too much chocolate and might be sick from it. You don't get coddled. You get scolded. Basically you go to hell if you eat junk. Don't do it... I've eaten much more chocolate then that and haven't thrown up because of it.

Maybe it's me. Maybes it's all of us. Or maybe it's my thyroid. But I want someone to care so much that If I runaway. They'd come find me, hold me and tell me it's ok... That's all I have ever wanted. When we fight. I just wanted you to walk down the street. Knock on my door and hug me. Forget all the bad words we said to each other. Forget the hate and anger. And just love again. That's all I want right now. Being sick. Not having my family. I need my other home. I need you

Carissa melvin

Chapter... forgot your pill?

Oh god... I don't even know if I'm me right now. Remember a few chapters ago I mentioned anger. And how it may or my not have controlled me... well. It's controlling me right now. I can't handle it. It's getting the better of me. I broke up with that guy. The guy that kept me safe and made me feel I had a purpose. I left him. While he was out of the country... and you know what. I don't regret it. Like ya.. congrats you made me feel safe... but you didn't make me feel happy. Not enough anyways. And staying with you for the 47% happyness and your family that I love isn't worth it. I get one life. I want it to be a happy one 99% of the time. Doing life for me or for an "us". Not for you..

Well anyways. Needless to say. Last five months was not easy with him going back and forth whether he hated me or liked me or loved me. It was a roller coaster I wanted off a long time ago. I'm off now. I am completely off that train so it's good in that aspect. And hey don't get me wrong. I learned a lot about relationships, my self and how to handle certain things... but then... I stopped taking my pill... and I just got mad, angry, emotional. I was rude to people who didn't deserve it. I cried in the shower for twenty minutes as it was off... because this apartment (side note. I love being on my own now and the shower sucks) that I live in gets about four minutes of Luke warm water until it's the arctic... every time.

So anyways. No pill. New guy friend. Pms/late period. Means so many fucking emotions I don't feel like dealing with. Oh and also getting yelled at by my ex constantly.

When you forget your pill. You forget everything and your memory goes to shit... worse than it already is now and then you forget your pill... it's a shit cycle... something I didn't think I'd have to deal with because I had that guy reminding me all the time. Well. New guy doesn't exactly know because it's not something I love telling people... haha! Besides the entire world with this book.. but if you look at the back of the book my picture isnt there.. it's my cat. HAHAHAHA SO.. it's not the same. Also. Do we even know if thats my real name? I don't know anymore.

So I was like "I'm gonna be single for a year" because I'm never single. And I want to be free and do whatever I want and hangout with whoever I want... and then new guy comes. And he is pretty perfect. Little immature. And not ready to be a full adult yet. But a couple more HP points and he can upgrade to adulthood maybe. But it's his choice and at his pace. It's not something I need from him.

He spit out the "L" word a few times. Different scenarios. Haha. Freaking me out also the amount of times he brings up "shitting on a chest". I'm not completely convinced he isn't "into it".

But also I've been mentioning the word a little too much... November 27th. It's now February 13th and I already feel so much love for this man. Now it's silly because I'm convincing myself it's love and not just the idea of him. As in he is so nice to me and what a human should be to another human, or he's just 100% better than the other guy so I love he feeling of being this wanted?!? Do you he that? Love and relationships are hard. But I do feel I do love him. I feel we can accomplish a lot, just scared because he isn't one for commitment, or sticking around as he's told me.

So I could walk away and never know or just risk my heart to see where it goes. Well I love him and he makes me happy. So I'll just enjoy the ride for now

Dealing with all this snow, my apartment issues, my family and making time for them, exam, work, money and whatever else life throws at me is a lot easier with a positive aspect in my life. Even if I'm not sure how taking my pill has been? It's been a while since I've filled a new prescription.. but I still have quite a few left.. it's hard to remember. Anything..

Well I went for the ride. Crashed the roller coaster into the ground. I was dumped.

Chapter ... what happened last night

So that’s what sexual assault feels like.

Was it my fault. Was I the only one to name. It feels like it was my fault. I told someone it was my fault. They didn’t disagree

I didn’t need to take those shots I was being pressured into taking. Being called a pussy because I didn’t want shots of tequila. More then once that night. I didn’t ask for all the other drinks given to me but I didn’t refuse them either. I didn’t ask to go to this guys friends house with only men there. Well let’s not call them men. They all watched as this ones hands went around my neck. No one said a thing. But is it there fault. The bruises on my ass. Is it there fault or one because of the position I was in.

I don’t know what else I could have done. At that point when it was too late. I know what to do next time. Don’t drink. Don’t go out. But I have I live my life in fear because of other people’s actions. I didn’t have to drink. But he didn’t have to put his hands on my neck. Under my shirt. Down my pants.

I don’t want to blame other people. But I don’t want to be blamed by everyone. One guy literally said.. you’re great and hot so you have to be careful. I’m sorry what? I’m hot so I have to be careful of what I do for how long? A few more years until I’m not hot. And what the hell does that mean. Like not hot people don’t get raped. Is that a joke? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard...

It sucks man. The fucking stigma of everything.

Th stigma of depression. Blonde girls. Rape. Cutting themselves. Suicide. Drinking. Drugs. All of it. People go through so much in their lives. Stop judging everyone. I can’t come forward and tell you what happened because you’ll judge me that I put myself in that position.. you’ll judge me on what I wore. How I ended up there how much I drank. Not him. You don’t know him. He just saw an opportunity and took it.

Chapter; sleep... Not enough, or not sure what it is

I'm going through that phase again where I am up very late at night because I can't sleep. Now who is to say that this is because of my thyroid. It could very well be the coffee at 7:00 pm that I never drink, or sleeping in until 12:00 pm that I never do... But bottom line is. I can't sleep. And my boyfriend is the lightest sleeper. So that means he can't sleep either. And it's a real inconvenience for the both of us. But what am I suppose to do. I can't sleep. My brain is going one hundred miles an hour... It's hard to get out of. And to top that off I'm being a real bitch for some reason. Or no reason. Or the reason is.. You guessed it. My thyroid is a jerk.. Haha you thought I'd say asshole.

Anyways. Being a tired bitch is the worst combination besides children and guns or carrots and chocolate. It doesn't go well together. And no one wants to be your friend. So... What do I do. Well just keep being a bitch obliviously... And get dumped. And move back to your moms and get them to avoid you until your left with this giant dog biting at your toes and drooling all over you... Or I could pull up my big girl pants and put a smile on. Watch some cat videos.

I heard if you smile for ten seconds straight. You'll be happy. Instantly. I've only made it to 8 seconds so far. Then I find something to be pissed about... Like how loudly that guy breaths... Or that dumb five year old starring at me... Yet to determine if what I heard was true. But try it and let me know.

I've been thinking about sleep a lot lately. And maybe it's being an adult now and I have shit to do and worry about. But I'm tired all the time. Even when I'm sleeping. I can feel me being tired. Ok maybe that's not true. But I mean. I've fallen asleep at the wheel slightly. I've fallen asleep in class... I need naps. I use to crash after work in the car (back seat, not driving) and no matter how much I slept. I needed more. I literally went a year without seeing my family. I would go to work. Come home and sleep from five pm until 8 am the next morning and I'd be off to work again. It was awful and I couldn't help it. That wasn't enough sleep. 15 hours wasn't enough. And sometimes it'd be more. If I got home at two or three. I'd be sleeping until the next morning. Never really eating. Never socializing. No chores. It was awful. My sister didn't understand. She was mad at me for never hanging out. Like I fucked up on purpose like I wanted to sleep.. i didn’t want it, I neeeeded it.

It's crazy how people don't believe it if they can't see it. Like I was saying earlier. Like no one could believe that I could sleep that much. I can guarantee you that I am not awake right now because I slept in. It's either coffee, which it probably is, or just one of those nights. A phase. But people think they know everything. So if they think I've over slept, it's got to be the sole reason I am awake now. Not because I have one hundred things on my mind. Like how am I going to work tomorrow... How am I going to handle Thursday when I am going to get yelled at for sure. Money for shit sakes. That is a big topic. Sexual frustration. How no one believes in me. No one thinks I can be professional at work. Because I'm myself outside of my job. How is that even fair. You want me to be boring and wear a suit my whole life... Do you understand how long it took me to be myself... Years and I am still working on it. And now I'm being told not to do that... Well guess what. I can do what ever the fuck I want to do. And I am going to. I am also going to be a professional at work. Like I have been for the last six months.

New chapter

So I'm back to not sleeping... which really irritates me because I've been so good with my medication. You guy wouldn't believe it (I didn't plural "guy" because let's face it. Only my mom picked up a copy, and by picked up...I mean I gave her one. Shout out to mama bear) where were we. Oh yes. Medication. Going in almost two months straight. One day I missed it in the morning. But took them after I got home from work when I remembered. Also a lot less stressed leaving the bank.. wait did I even tell you I was at the bank. Let me go check....

Nope. Ok so I was a financial advisor. Almost two years. Nice pay checks. Nice clothes. Nice hours. Benefits. But I hated it. It was just so incredibly stressful. The amount of work that was expected from us. Golly. Well. I think I may have sabotaged my job there. I had an exam to do. Well I had three to do in one year. And I waited until the last moment to start studying. Took it three times and did not pass... the bank let me go immediately. Even though I've been working without that dumb exam for the past two years.... give me at least two weeks notice.... it's expected of me if I were to quit...ah welll. Who needs them. I'm back with my old boss. Cleaning houses but more so boats. I love cleaning boats. I love the water and being outside. Holy this old man. He's a decent age. early nineties maybe. Offered me a "Bump" cleaning his boat. I respectfully declined. I told my mom about it. And she thought it was a dance. And her friend thought it was sex. I set them both straight. And if you guys don't know... urban dictionary it.

Anyways. That stuff doesn't happen every day or every boat. Just the once since I started cleaning boats back in 2011.

A lot does happen though. Broke a glass table top all over a big yacht and the boat next to it. Almost lost my pinky toe. Been to creepy places. No water usually which is hard to clean a boat or anything with out. Solid memories. I love the outdoors. And a boat that you cleaned is something you can feel good about. It looks amazing when you're done because boats don't really stain. Except the old ones. You have to stay on top of them.

But anyways. Stress free. This is an easy job. I go to work. Do what I told and come home. No quotas. No goals. Just clean. Which I'm good at and enjoy. Win win.

But I hate telling people I clean houses. And moving back in with my mom... everyone is living with their parents which is fine, I don't judge or care. But I don't want to. I like my space and privacy. I like not wearing clothes or pajamas. And not cleaning up after my self right away. I'll get to it. But I use to be proud and shock people saying I worked at a bank and they go "teller" and I say no a financial advisor.

Side story. Some dumb dumb at a bar was like. Oh you're a financial advisor, advise me on what to do with this 80k. Like are you joking. He whips out his phone and shows me his bank account. And I just ramble like I can't see your entire portfolio. Like I have no idea at this point. But in my head... I was thinking. PUT IT TOWARDS YOUR 400,000 mortgage or ASK YOUR WIFE... the wanker. What was he thinking. I'd drop my drawers because i saw 80k? Next to a joint account and his mortgage. Good Job buddy.

Any ways. I'm cleaning boats, but only for a month. I think. I had an interview at a dream job of mine. And I got the job. But I'm at a dilemma. I met a guy... always the story eh. Well the guy would. It want me working. Anywhere. He's old fashioned. The man works. The women takes care of the home. Which is amazing. Fuck sexism. If you want me to clean and cook all day. I'll do that. I know I can work. That's all I need. And then got me thinking about this job offer.

I put so much, still putting money into school that I went to for hotel and resort management. I have a plan. 14 years. And it won't work with this guy. But I don't even know if I'll be good at my plan. I don't know if il be good at this job this summer. I can't fucking swim... the job is white water rafting instructor... it's a little important.and you have to be responsible for people's lives and it's a huge party scene. And I'm over that.. and then my plans for travelling... like... I don't think I'd be good at travelling alone. And frugally. Budget 4K for the season. Gone in two weeks.

It's just hard to make a decisions. Because what if... what if I'm great at the white water. What if I love it. And I love travelling and then I own a resort OneNote day. What if I suck. What if someone drowns because of me. What if I drown. But on the other hand.. if this guy doesn't work out... what then... I ruined my chances.. I messed up my plan. And I'm older.

[harrys-oh-anna]

Day off in Cheshire

Summary: Harry went back home to his mum’s house for his day off and has a cosy afternoon with Y/N.

Warnings: non, just fluffy harry, pretty short one shot I guess and lets just pretend he’s hugging you like the teddy bear so our hearts can burst together

Suggestion: Listen to Tupelo Honey, it’s just an awesome song

Harry was exhausted, he’s been touring for the last few months. Don’t get him wrong, he loved it. All of it, the fans, the music, the different cities, but it also got to him. He missed home, his mom and everything that he was familiar with. His only remedy was his girlfriend, Y/N, that was with him for most of the time for his European leg. And while he loved the time he was able to spend with her and share all these experiences with her, what he really needed was some privacy with her, not having to rush from hotel to venue with people around, telling him what he must do and what was planned next. He was lucky, in ever possibly way, he knew it and would never take it for granted, never ever. He also knew that he was extremely lucky with Y/N putting up with his lifestyle and always being understanding when time had to come short on her. He loved her for her honesty and humble traits, keeping him on the ground right next to her. He had known her since they were little, their mums being best friends even though they both lived in different cities. While Harry spend his childhood in good old Cheshire, Y/N lived in buzzing London with her parents. But this didn’t stop them from bonding like hell. Their parents and siblings mocking them for their close relationship. And since Harry moved to London for his career, they got even closer. Harry fancied Y/N since he was 18 years old, but Y/N, being two years younger than him, didn’t want to sabotage their friendship. Years later though Harry won her heart over, with just being his gentle and attentive self, always putting her atop of everything and ever girl, never being able to forget her. Seeing her in every woman he has ever been with. Their relationship was perfect despite their fights they had from time to time and to be honest, he knew she was the one.

Y/N loved to be on tour with him, working with him and his tour team. Making it easy for them to keep their relationship on a healthy level. When she was younger and not together with Harry yet, she was scared of Harry being on tour, finding a new best friend, someone from the staff he saw on a daily basis, someone who knew what a life in the public eye meant. Simply someone she couldn’t compete with while living in London studying. But Harry never forgot her, not for one day. She loved him, from the bottom of her heart. Even though the tour was exhausting, she enjoyed it. But she knew that he was missing his mum, sister and Cheshire in general. As the tour finally stopped in Birmingham, the next stop being Manchester, Jeff decided it was best for Harry to go home and spend some well-deserved time with his family for his day off. Harry was more than exited and couldn’t believe his luck as he walked up the path to his mum’s home with his gorgeous girl beside him. Hugging his mum tight and her pressing kisses on her son’s cheeks while he was smiling like crazy, engulfing Y/N next. “I’m so glad you two are here! It’s been way too long since I have seen you! You’re looking good, both of you!” she hushed while pushing you two through the door inside the bright house, where you could already see Gemma and her boyfriend in the living room, discussing something. “Hey little brother, good to see you. Have you gained a little weight? Seems like the tour treats you well” she laughed out, while Harry rolled his eyes, pinching her waist. “Hey Gem”, Y/N said, hugging her. Anne already bringing some tea for them all. They all talked for a few hours, laughing and updating each one on new stuff, enjoying the quality. Harry never Y/N’s side the whole midday, always making sure to touch her in a way. His arm around her shoulder, his hand on her knee, playing with her fingers or the promise ring he gave her a few weeks back. He gave it to her to make a point, a point for him, her and the whole world. She was his, his girl and no one could deny it. It kind of soothed him to know that all these other boys eying her, would back off as soon as they saw the sparkling ring sitting on her middle finger. Sometimes he imagined how it would be to put a ring on her ring finger, but he didn’t want to hurry things.

His eyes were sparkling when she told them a funny story about the tour. He loves being able to touch her and stare at her, without having hundreds of eyes following them. And he loved the fact that Y/N fitted so well into his family.

Later that day, Gem, her boyfriend and Anne decided to go for a walk due the nice weather outside, but Harry wanted to stay inside to watch a little bit of Netflix and lay down. As soon as the three left the house, he approached his girlfriend who was doing the dishes for his mum and hugged her from behind. “I can’t remember seeing you the last time doing something as usual as washing plates. Suits you” she felt his breath tickling her neck while his lips graced her skin. He always could send sparks through her whole body with doing just such little things. “Come on, lets watch a Romcom and cuddle a bit, I need you” he picked her up and three her over his shoulder which made her chuckle and squeal. He threw them both on the couch, hugging her from behind and pulling her waist close to him, leaving almost no space between them, as he turned on the TV, landing on movie. Not many words were exchanged, what wasn’t needed though, they both were just wrapped in each other, listening to the movie.

“I haven’t seen you this relaxed for weeks” Y/N mumbled “We need to see them more often, it’s like we’re little again and there’s no world you have to sing to.” He just kissed her head and ear, way too lazy to put together some words.

Not long later though, Harry heard how Y/N’s breath was slowly flattening out and her body grew heavier – seems like she was tired as well. It was soothing. The similar smell of his home and his girlfriend, her warm body pressed to his front. Everything was peaceful, and he drifted of to sleep as well.

The next thing he knew was his girlfriend twisting in his arms, waking him up from his light sleep, he loosened his grip, letting her turn around, facing him while still being asleep. She had a deep frown on her face, her lashes touching her cheeks and her mouth being slightly opened, letting out little snores. He had to grin, the best thing that could happen to him was to be awake before Y/N was, so he could watch her. Usually she didn’t like it if Harry stared at her, blushing, rolling her eyes and swatting his face away slowly.  But when she was still asleep he could admire her beauty as much as he wanted. He smiled, starting to trace his finger lightly across her face, beginning to soothe out her frown. What she might be dreaming about? He’d ask her later. He reached her lips, the lips that he could kiss for hours straight, the lips he loved to nibble and suck on, knowing it was one of her sweet spots, the lips that moaned his name and the lips from which her angle like laughter and voice escaped. She stirred in her sleep, maybe he was starring to intensive, waking her up, but she just moved a bit, nuzzling her face closer to his neck.

“You really do love her, right?” his head snapped up and he could see his mother standing in the door frame. He was so entranced with Y/N that he didn’t here the front door opening and his family coming back home. He smiled.

“I can see it the way you look at her. Not just right now, but in the little moments. You look at her like she’s your world.” Anne kept going on. Harry nodded “She is”, rubbing his girls back. “I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

His mum smiled “It’s crazy. I kind of knew you two would end up together since Y/N’s sixth birthday party.  You really didn’t want to play wedding and exclaimed, that you would only be the groom if she’ll be your bride. I kind of had a feeling since that day. You blurted it out so sure” Harry chuckled lowly, remembering the day. Harry was eight years old that time and proper annoyed that day. He was the only boy invited, being outnumbered by girls. But he went there anyway, because he liked Y/N, she was his best friend and she would also come to his birthdays. However, as a group of four girls decided to play “wedding”, it was clear who had to be the groom and he totally lost it. He not just felt way too old to play such a childish game, especially as a boy, but he also didn’t know these kids, nor did he like them. Yet it was her Birthday and he didn’t want to cause a scene. So, when all the others girl started to fight who was the one to marry him, he just knew one thing. He neither wanted to marry his sister or a stranger. It sounded ridiculous, because it wasn’t a real wedding, but he was shy at that time and it felt like betrayal to him. His only thought was “Y/N” as the four little devils started to pull on his arm, dragging him away to the wedding place. He instantly shouted out for Y/N and making everyone, including his and Y/N’s parents, turn as he cried “NO! The only person I’ll ever marry is Y/N. I don’t want to marry any you! I either marry Y/N or not at all!” Y/N, who was playing hide and seek with her other group of friends, stopped and ran over to him, took his hand and said, “I’ll do it, don’t worry, Harry.”

Harry looked over to the picture of him and Y/N hanging on the wall from that day. Her wearing a little crown made from daisies and holding onto Harry as they were running around. “Maybe I can really make her mine one day. Put a ring on her finger.”

“I’m sure. You already put one on of hers” Anne pointed to Y/N’s hand, which was laying on his chest.

Harry’s lips twitched “Yeah, I just have to make sure it’s her ring finger the next time and not her middle one. And maybe I’ll find a proper ring.”

Anne just nodded her head “I’m sure you will.”

Harry eyed his mum “She’ll be by my side no matter what, won’t she? Like I won’t lose her?”

“Have a little faith in yourself. You will be alright with her. I just know it.” and with that she left the room, leaving them some privacy.

Harry looked down on his little precious thing laying in his arms. If his mum says so, it will be. She never was wrong. That’s the amazing thing with mothers, they were always right. He stroked his Y/N’s hair while listening to his mum roaming in the kitchen, preparing dinner. They kept laying in this position a few more minutes until Y/N seemed to wake up.

Her eyes opened slowly, and she blinked a few times before setting them on Harry, looking into his green eyes and getting lost in them. She put her hands up, hiding her fingers in his hair, pulling on it. “Good afternoon, Bub” he said, leaning down, kissing her softly on her lips, pulling away too soon for her liking. “Good afternoon to you as well. Did you stare at me again?”

“Can’t blame me for admiring what’s mine, especially when you’re that cute” he kissed her nose, looking deep into her eyes “I love you Y/N. Forever and ever. I’ve been loving you for such a long time, you honestly have no idea.”

“I love you too, Harry. Forever and ever, no matter what.”

[teamoliv-archive]

Cutscene: Old Grudges

Major Cobalt Ymir stood beside former police inspector Melina Briar, or as she has been calling herself, “Mother Marianne,” as they walked down the darkened tunnel Robin’s trail had lead them down. “I have been meaning to ask you,” He says breaking the silence, “Why tell me your name if you have been in hiding for so long?”

The old huntress lets out a wheezing sigh through her mask. That was a good question. “Perhaps... I merely wished to ensure someone would know I did not die in that blaze all those years ago in case my chase came to an end. I will not lie to you, Major, I am old and not as strong as I used to be. I only barely stood against your nephew the last time I encountered him and I will not have the advantages I did before.” Neither needed to focus on the trail. It was clear and both had concluded Robin was leading them somewhere. It was almost certainly a trap of some kind. However, a trap is only as good as the inability of the target to see it coming. Neither she nor Cobalt were worried.

Cobalt let out a dismissive huff. “Suit yourself. I have no intention of dying here. Playing martyr will gain us nothing. It’s an old army saying. The point of war is not to die for your cause, but to make your enemy die for theirs. The moment you enter into a fight assuming you will die, you have already lost.”

The tunnel began to open up into a large room. It appeared to be an old basement or work area for the sewers and tunnels in the city’s cliff face, but absolutely nothing but two more tunnels were on the other side.

And the man they were following standing right in the middle.

Robin Goodfellow wasn’t surprised at all with the appearance of both Cobalt and Marianne. They weren’t surprised to see him either. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit a cigarette. “Well... ‘Bout time you two showed up. Nice job with the fire by the way. I’ll tell you, that took everybody for a spin.”

“Robin. Had I known you were involved in this earlier I would have tried to stop you- I should have tried to stop you. You know why your father and I came here. Come home.”

“I will not pretend you won’t face substantial prison time for this, but if you surrender we can secure you some leniency. We are already prepared for any trap you have prepared. You can’t take on both-”

“Down!” Cobalt rushed forward deflecting several shots with his saber. They came from one of the tunnels behind Robin. Marianne did likewise. With swords at the ready they strained to see the figure approaching.

Jade Leroux stepped forward out of the shadows with his left arm extended and weapon primed to fire. “Trap? No. Ambush? Well I didn’t assume either of you would fall for that. No, this is merely settling the score.” He turned his attention to the masked huntress for a moment. “Ah, Inspector Briar. So nice to see you again after all these years. I really must thank you for sparing me all the trouble of hunting you down again. I take it you were responsible for the fiasco that just cost me my next star competitor?”

So that’s what this was about. Jade wanted to tie up loose ends and had Robin help. Still, news of Lapis being able to leave with the children was good. Now she could fight at ease.

“Listen, Uncle... I’m goin’ nowhere. Just finishin’ this last job up and then I’m off to do whatever I want. I’m a free man in this equation. All I gotta do is help polish up the mess. You don’t have to be here. Let’s just pretend we didn’t see each other, huh?”

“That would technically complete why I came here, yes.” He paused and ignored a dark look from Marianne. “However... I do not keep my promises only technically.

“And I have my own score to settle here. If I may echo your father, if you do not stay out of my way I will be forced to go through you.”

“So that’s that then? Then let us begin.” Jade darted forward with his arm-mounted blade and met Marianne’s sword.

“One last chance.” Robin says, readying his own weapons. “You let us deal with the old lady and we’ll make it worth-

“SHIT!-” He flings his kukri out to catch a large fireball that continued behind him. He forgot how strong his uncle’s enhanced dust was. “Alright, fine!” He charges forward at Cobalt, who held out his pistol in his left hand.

Cobalt braced and moved to the side when Robin swung, using his mechanical arm to block the sickle in his off hand. He brought the hilt of his saber down against the other man’s face just before he backed up. He’d have to keep that up. It took a lot of skill to be even decent with two weapons. Robin was a lot better than decent.

Jade met Marianne blow for blow and neither were getting anywhere. He spun around and slammed the side of his shield against her. She twisted her weapon to block a  few feet shy before the blade pivoted ninety degrees and the rest of the scythe’s handle extended to block just in time. She brought the longer weapon up in an arc to push his arm out of the way.

She was about to deliver a kick as a follow up but Cobalt beat her to the punch, turning his pistol on Jade and letting loose a powerful stream of arcing lightning. Robin in turn managed to get a heavy blow in with his kukri from the side. 

He slid his grip from the handle to a solid piece of leather dangling from it and started to spin the blade. It was building up flames as the dust chamber in the weapon activated, creating a ring of flame that he tossed around the Major and to his intended target. She brought up her weapon to intercept and break up the blow, but her cloak caught.

Cobalt brought his mechanical arm back to elbow Robin away as Jade charged forward, poised with his triangular blade again. Cobalt feigns a block and lets his saber catch the blade, only to let it be tossed from his hand. He uses this to duck under Jade’s arm and pulls his pistol back, letting his artificial hand collapse into the rest of the arm, forming a cannon. He slammed the dust magazine of his pistol downward. A vortex of wind starts to charge. “I knew what you were planning with the Reynard girl since before we left Atlas.”

The tornado blew his opponent forward, slamming him into the stone wall.

Jade picks himself up and dusts a few pieces of rock from his suit. “So the sudden Vytal Festival invitation was your doing. I thought as much. For all the good it did you.” He levels his shield to intercept the Major’s next attack.

Marianne swung her weapon in a fury, forcing Robin to keep to blocking and avoiding her attacks. “Cobalt told me everything. You have a sister the same age as those children you kidnapped!” She wasn’t sure how she didn’t make the connection between that Goodfellow and this one. She was on the tournament footage, too, after all. They even looked alike. “Does that mean nothing to you!?”

“Do not!” Robin got in close, forcing his opponent to retract her weapon and robbing her of the reach advantage. “Dare!” He brought up his sickle and forced her weapon sideways. He slammed his other weapon right onto the woman’s mask, carving a wedge into it. “Bring!” He slammed down again. “My sister!” Again. “INTO THIS!” One last blow splintered the mask apart, revealing the old huntress’s burnt face. In her stagger he kicked her down and kept her there with a series of heavy stomps.

Cobalt spun around, blasting a heavy earth shot back at Jade as he blocks, encasing him. “I was hoping you would do that.” He snaps before turning back to his nephew. “Enough, Robin! Because of what you did to help this man you almost doomed Violet yourself! What made you think you were going to be able to have it both ways!?”

Jade grit his teeth and tried to squeeze out of the earth dust. His arm was stuck in the rock. He pulled a device from his pocket. “You have no idea how expensive these are, you know... But failsafes are failsafes, I suppose.” After a click, it was tossed over the earth wall and exploded, sending the rock out everywhere as the dust grenade went off. Military contraband- Cobalt recognized it immediately.

Jade felt his aura fizzle and took a few steps back. “I’ll leave that for you to tell him. I have unfinished business to take care of. Unless, of course, you want to be the one to-”

“Fuckin’ gladly!” Robin flips his sickle over and aims his gun right at Marianne’s face. As he was about to fire two things happen at once. First, the old woman reached up to grab the weapon, the second, Cobalt tackled him.

The still not-dead Mother Marianne rose to her feet wearily. With her face no longer obscured, she stared right at Jade. Like him, she felt her aura reserves all but leave her. She had only a little bit left and she would have to save it.

Cobalt refolded his arm to allow use of his hand and pistol again. “I see... You hate this man as much as I do. It makes sense now.” He calmly walks over to pick up his saber. He points behind Marianne as Robin was about to try another shot before letting off a gravity shot, sending the woman flying back into the tunnel. “Leave her alone.”

Cobalt stared at Robin not with anger or spite, but kinship for his nephew. “You believe yourself beyond redemption after all you have done. Is that why?”

“What the hell would you know about that!?”

“Because I know exactly how that feels.” He didn’t bother to glance back at Jade. This was the reason he came here after all. “I also know that it is not an endless pit of darkness. Now, I am bringing you home. Your father misses you.”

Robin watched over Cobalt’s shoulder as Jade staggered off. He wasn’t going to be able to make a beeline for the wounded investigator in his state. He just readied his weapons. “I can’t go back.” He charges forward.

He knew Robin was holding back before. This was faster than he had originally planned for. Still Cobalt managed to dodge and parry, but he couldn’t get a good shot in. He had one shot left and had to make it count. “Robin, listen to me! We can beat him! We both have people we care about who were hurt!”

Robin had never heard the Major lose his composure before. He, on the other hand, remained unmoved. “Ain’t about him.” He says as calmly as in normal conversation, “I’m no man my old man can be proud of or a little sister can look up to. I was lost a long time ago.” He knew what he did for Jade and how wrong it was. His problem was he didn’t care. In some cases he was actually enjoying himself. That wasn’t the sort of thing that could just be fixed up with some pretty apologies. He moved to the side to dodge a few swings from Cobalt’s saber. His opponent’s aura started to drain into his pistol, charging the last bullet in the chamber. Seeing this, Robin started spinning his own weapon again, arcing lightning. In a wide swing he catches his opponent’s prosthetic, severing it, and tearing up his chest. The shot fired at a corner and covered it in heavy block of ice, sticking out on all ends.

Cobalt staggers back, looking down at his lost arm, pistol, and aura. Under any other circumstance, he would have tried to find a way to retreat. Most general cut-throats took well to bribes or promises of influence or secrets and he had done all of those things in his life during his dealings with Tyrael. This time, none of that came to his mind. He held his weapon defiantly. “Is this really how you want to end this? This is not how you have to be!”

Robin walked up to Cobalt firmly. In his stagger, he wouldn’t be able to bring his sword to bear. “Maybe not, but it is.”

He plunges his kukri through the Major’s chest.

Cobalt tried to choke out a few more words in protest. No, it was already done. His mind drifted partially to his old unit and that ill-fated mission where he and one or two others had managed to survive, and none with all their limbs in tact. They were waving at him. 

Robin watched his uncle’s body falter. To be sure, he spun around and slit his throat with his sickle, sending the body backward. “You wanted proof I can’t go back? There you go. Didn’t feel a thing.”

He stowed his weapons and started walking down one of the tunnels opposite the one Jade went through. 

Marianne wasn’t sure how much of the battle she missed, but both Jade and Robin were gone. 

Apparently, so was Major Ymir. 

The poor man had promised he was going to live through this. The old huntress couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed that he broke that promise, but that was the anger part of grief talking. She always had grieved when examining a body- even a little. Far from a weakness, she considered it her resolve to find justice for those who met a fate they didn’t deserve. This one was no different.

She wasn’t going to be able to do this alone, though.

She looked through Cobalt’s bloody pockets and found what she was looking for. Opening the scroll, she found a few contacts who she had confirmation were in the area.

SMS Message to Tyrael Cheshire, Shin Goodfellow: [S.O.S. Officer down.] after also giving coordinates and putting the scroll back away to send the signal to them, she looked around. She was exhausted and there was no telling if Jade or Robin would return.

She would need to find a place to hide again until she recovered. She looked through her own scroll and gave the young man Lapis a call.

[cosmic-llin]

I know very very little about the Worst Witch, what are the types of magic they do? Are there groups of spells?

This is a really interesting question, because it’s not 100% clear. The original books don’t go into a great deal of detail about how exactly it all works, and the current TV series hints at some interesting things without ever making them explicit.

In the new TV series, magic is something that you can have yourself, and it descends down the maternal line (or at least it’s generally believed to). You have to have at least some inherent magical ability to be able to perform spells, and a witch’s power grows with age.

(Interestingly it’s also hinted, whether intentionally or not, that the magical world is matrilineal, but the British magical government is run by a wizard. I like to think that the Great Wizard position could just as easily be a Great Witch, and it just happens to be a man at the moment.)

We do know that there are different ways of achieving effects through magic - the girls at the school learn Potions, Chanting, Spell Science and other subjects. The subject we see most often is Potions, which often (but not always) involves mixing a potion and also saying a rhyming phrase to activate it. Some spells also have a motion component - at one point Maud, one of the pupils at the school, realises her spell isn’t working because she forgot to add the correct hand motions.

We also learn that witches and wizards use different types of magic, although there does seem to be some overlap. Wizards use staffs to concentrate their magic, and this is frowned upon for witches, whereas witches often use chanting, which wizards aren’t supposed to do.

(Sidenote, chanting seems to be the main way witches share their magic with each other - many witches chanting in unison can achieve incredibly impressive things that none of them could dream of achieving alone. If wizards don’t have an equivalent form of communal magic, it might make for interesting gender politics in the magical world.)

It seems that potions at least are accessible to both (and there does seem to be a movement toward change - we see a co-ed magic school and an episode deals with the staffs/chanting issue.)

There’s also the Witches’ Code, which is a long and complicated document which essentially boils down to: don’t deliberately harm others, don’t use magic for personal gain, don’t make non-magical people aware of the magical community.

My guess based on the info we have in canon is that each witch (or wizard) has a certain level of innate power, which increases with age, and things like potions, chants and other types of spells help to focus and clarify the aim of each spell and enhance its power. Different disciplines are more suited to different types of spells, but you can probably use whichever you prefer for most things. (I’m sure different witches have different go-to spells for roughly the same things.) More powerful witches, as they age, find they can accomplish spells without needing chants or potions, but spells performed with some kind of help are always going to be easier. That’s why first-year students sometimes can’t achieve any kind of magical effects at all without, say, a potion AND a spoken rhyme AND a hand motion, but Miss Hardbroom can perform a presumably quite high-level transference spell (basically teleporting) with just a small hand motion.

We also see a bit of push-and-pull between more traditional magic and more modern ways of doing things, and although it’s not made completely clear what the difference is, to me it seems as though it’s a difference in attitudes towards using power.

When Miss Pentangle comes to Cackle’s Academy to teach modern witching workshops, she seems to focus on achieving potion-like effects without the benefit of a potion, and chanting in a way that requires more energy and effort than traditional chanting. To me this suggests that more modern ways of teaching magic are about helping young witches and wizards learn to use and rely on their own intrinsic power, whereas traditional witching education is more about using tools and techniques to use the minimum possible amount of your own magical energy. Both valid ways of approaching magic, but understandable why switching quickly from one to the other would throw some students off their game! (And I bet this is something that people have changed their minds on many times over the centuries.)

[samkat10423]

LTW Challenge - River Mc Irish - 03-08-2014, 07:38 AM

I thought - looking at those racks - that she would totally score with the nectar, but no. Only six. But at least they're pretty old and valuable.

BTW, anyone playing WAs, don't know why, but when she was clearing the rock piles, she didn't gain any athletic skill points like you used to. She was almost at level 7, when she entered the different tombs, and I had her clearing all kinds of junk. Never did boost her level. So kind of a bummer. Not sure when that got borked, since it's been a while since I sent a sim to any of the WA worlds.

Also, I had her play a bunch of different tombs - I actually like WA - so, if you were wondering which tomb she was in, it was several. And even though her career was on-hold while in Al Simhara, she got an immediate promotion for delivering that box. So, that was good. Plus a cash bonus - which I deleted, since I figured she should have to pay some import taxes on all the loot she brought back. Only have 2 more levels to go!

 03-13-2014, 06:11 AM

River has actually obtained her LTW - this was way too easy! - so, after another couple of posts, I'll try someone else. Maybe do one of the artsy LTWs, since I've never done one of those. Well, I did play a John Lennon look-alike sim once when I first got TS3 - complete with his own Yoko - who I almost got to the top of the Rock Star career, but none of the self-employed, writing or painting sims. So, maybe I'll try one of those. Anyway, I'll be moving both River and Bebe to Cape Garner - just to give the place a bit of class. Who knows! They might eventually make some friends. Doubt it, but stranger things have been known to happen in the samkat universe. Anyway, here's her next update:

 Well that certainly didn't go as expected. Who knew those old, Al Simhara farts booby-trapped their stupid tombs. Should be a law against it! To tell you the truth, I don't know what this world is coming to. Can't trust anyone anymore. Getting harder and harder, for an honest thief to make a living. For real!

After taking a quick dip in the river to clean up, I started walking back to camp. I was passing by a graveyard - which I so did not explore - when this crazy lady stops me. Started yammering on and on about some tomb-stealing crow named Morcu. Or something like that. Well, hellooooo!!!! Newsflash here! So don't care! Not into crows. Tomb-stealing or otherwise. Crazy old wackadoodle.

The next day, I was sitting in the canteen....Oh, yeah, forgot to tell you. These stupid sims DO call their restaurants canteens. Or maybe it was 'cantina?' Either way, it's a stupid name for a place to eat. Someone needs to tell them, canteens are for holding water! Well, duh! Anyway, I was sitting there, in the local one, minding my own business, eating my Big Mac - which I so had to show the stupid cook how to make. Would you believe, they expected me to try some of their local junk? And samkat only knows, it's probably all made out of crocodile guts. Or worse. And when I told the stupid girl, "No, I want a hamburger," she brought me out a patty made from ham. HAM!!!! What an idiot. So yeah, I had to show the stupid cook how to do it right. They should be paying me for this meal.

Anyway, there I was, eating my meal, when this dude plunks himself down and starts helping himself to my food. Not that I can really blame him, since he's probably never had really good food before. I mean, these sims eat crocodiles. Crocodiles! But hey! This is my meal. And I was just about to tell him that, when he tells me that he's from the Morcu Corp. and they want whatever I took from the tombs. Or else. Guess I should explain about them. Last night, when I got back to camp, I mentioned 'Morcu' to the other campers and they all freaked out. Seems they are nobody to mess around with. So, I figured I'd better play it cool with this dude. So, instead of telling him to "Bite me!" - which was my first inclination - I pulled out those fragments I found in that one tomb, and handed them over. Along with a couple of coins. Just to be on the safe side, doncha know. I mean, when I talked with the other campers, all they ever found was a gold coin or two. So I figured if I gave him more, he'd know I had a copy of the map. But if I gave him less, he'd get suspicious. Well, he looked at me all mean-like for a couple of minutes, trying to intimidate me, I guess. But hey! Fiona used to give me that same look all the time, when I was growing up. So no sweat! Finally, he picked up the stuff and said, all Clint Eastwood-like, "We'll be keeping an eye on you."

Well, I don't need to be told twice that I've worn out my welcome. So after he left, I called the airlines to get a flight back home. Actually two flights. The first one, for earlier in the day was going straight back to Barnacle Bay. But there was no way I was going back there to those big mouths. They'd sell me out in a heartbeat. But in case those Morcu goons were watching me, I pretended to get on it, then at the last minute got back off the plane. The second one is the one I'm on now. And it's not going anywhere near Sunset Valley or Barnacle Bay.

So, I moved to a new town. It's someplace out West and named after a horse. I'd tell you the name, but I'm not a horse-sim, so one horse pretty much looks like another, as far as I'm concerned. Four legs and a tail. Anyway, I've decided to keep a low profile for a while - just in case. So no fencing all the loot I brought back from Al Simhara. No, I'll just hold on to it, until things quiet down.

Anyway, I decided to explore the town - took all of 10 seconds - and maybe meet some of the locals. The sims here, aren't the friendliest around, but I did meet a little dog in one of the parks. A dog park - which is code for, "Watch out where you step." Because even though they have these machines that dispense bags for sims to pick up their dog's "presents," no one does.

Anyway, I introduced myself and it turns out her name is Daisy. And she doesn't have a regular home. Just lives out here on the mean streets, trying to avoid the doggy-police.

Well, us crooks gotta stick together. It's us against them! So I offered her a place to stay. And guess what! She agreed to give me a 'trial run.' How cool is that! I guess moving here was a good idea, in more ways than one.

[stuffandsundry]

Arc 1: The Beat Riders

Premise

Most of the early episodes don't need to change all that much, compared to later--

Ah. Shit. I forgot to address my beef with Kaito. ok gimme a sec uhh. Ok. Okokok so here we go. I'm not gonna do this for all the characters because mostly, character introductions are fffffairly okay. Some are better than others but like, they're all at least workable… except. HIM. Kaito, the most out of all the gaim characters, makes zero sense so im gonna throw EVERYTHING out and try to extrapolate something based off of backstory given from Gaiden and canon and a little bit of real riders. Hope it makes sense. So, recap of backstory: Kaito's family used to be decently middle class and he played near the shrine tree, until Yggdrasil came in and bought them out. Kaito's dad didn't really know what to do after losing his purpose in life and turns to drinking/gambling, and they rapidly lose whatever money they had gotten from the corporation, dad becomes abusive, parents kill themselves and Kaito is left at an orphanage and grows up bitter and vaguely traumatized. Gets into a lot of fights at school, is a history nerd, etc. Cool, that's workable. Extrapolation from that for this scenario (oh yeah also, I did say girl now, it's Keiko now)

Keiko rreally hates Yggdrasil. If they had never moved in, maybe her family could have stayed together.

She's always looking for something to challenge her- she saw her family "give up" early on, and she doesn't want to end up like them. Struggle as proof that she's alive? No sympathy for people who've given up fighting, in her eyes.

Related to Point 2. Believes in a fair fight. There's no use in beating down someone clearly weaker than you, and anyone who does that is a coward and a bully. And if you need to lie to someone to beat them, then that doesn’t count as an actual victory. Wants to be acknowledged as the best by her own power.

A lot of pride. Doesn't like accepting help or depending on others/seeming weak. Talks big but also has a lot of like. Self-worth issues, thinks that people have to be "worth" something to be allowed to live, which comes from being abandoned by family so young.

Listen I know that this is a Very Standard anime rival lone wolf archetype but it didn't get to be a standard because it /Didn't/ Work, also I got really attached to Keiko halfway through typing this just let me have this please, I rarely if ever see it applied to girls,

Actually, the soccer episode also gave me the idea that Keiko would be the type of person that just. Rolls with things, no matter how vaguely ludicrous they are. Re: canon soccer episode. What are you gonna do when you get punched in the gut, sending you to an alternate dimension where the city wasn't destroyed and everyone uses the power of the drivers to play soccer? Clearly, become the best damn armored soccer player ever. That's such a funny trait I'm keeping it. It would be such a good source of deadpan comedy. Example: in high school Keiko was a delinquent who got into fights, how did she end up captain of a dance team? Nobody knows. (Most likely: somebody tried to insult her by saying that she couldn't dance for shit and she decided that the best way to rise to this challenge was to… take over a dance team and make them teach her.) Simultaneously zero chill and weirdly chill. Chill about all the wrong things.

Okay, back to plot. Only minor changes for the first 14 episodes, which I'm collecting into an arc--

Instead of Micchy becoming Ryugen, I wanna say that Micchy shows the rest of the Beat Riders the driver he got from Sid ahead of time and Mai sees her chance and asks him to give it to her. Because on one hand, Mai's grateful that Kouta's staying behind because Yuuya's gone missing and Mai isn't sure that she can handle being the final word of authority in Gaim, but on the other, Mai's kinda annoyed that Kouta stayed behind because it's like he doesn't trust her to be able to protect the team. Just because she's doubting herself doesn't mean that he should! She wants to stand on equal level with Kouta, so the driver. Micchy does give Mai the driver, because he cares a lot about Mai.  However, subconsciously or not, he was looking forwards to being the one of the people that the team relied on, so a seed of resentment is also planted here. This colors his decisions in favor of keeping things secret from the rest of the team moving forwards as well.

Within the team, Mai and Micchy more-or-less switch roles, except that Micchy is also finding out a lot of Yggdrasil's-- and his sister's-- secrets in the meantime, so he's still extremely relevant. This way, there's a character arc set up for both Mai and Micchy-- Mai needs to learn that Gaim will follow her (like they did when Yuuya was around) not for her fighting ability or anything, but because she cared about people and wanted to make them happy. Mai realizes that she didn't need to change in order to become a strong leader, because she was already a strong leader and she just needed to trust in herself. On the other hand, Micchy's going to eventually realize that staying quiet about things that upset him is actively working to make his life worse because his friends and family aren't mind readers and they can't tell if they did something to upset him if he doesn't verbalize it. And if his friends and family really, truly care about him, then they'd be upset at THEMSELVES about hurting him, not at him. His secretive martyrdom is a ticking time bomb for everyone.

Ah yeah, one plot change I have to mention here: Keiko doesn't want the other teams to be her vassals because what's the fucking point, Team Baron is the best anyways. (That entire thing was a little. Hm. Idk how much sense it made, man. And it only lasted like two episodes so there was no point to it except to show that Kaito was an asshole even???) So in this 'verse, the reason that she gives Hase and Jo more powerful lockseeds in the first place is because. Gaim is the only real challenger to Baron, which means that theres only one person that she can fight meaningfully and that’s boring as shit. Raid Wild and Invitto still want to fight, they're just lacking the means. The only real surprise is that they come after her with drivers, which she didn't know they had. She has mixed feelings about the sneak attack. On one hand, maybe Hase and Jo are stronger than she thought they were! On the other, those motherfucking SNAKES,

Oh wow I just realized that having Keiko instead of Kaito makes that scene where Mai goes into the forest alone and Baron finds her… really gay. Mai bandaging Keiko's arm and they talk about their childhoods together… Mai remembers that Keiko would always watch her dance and Keiko tells her she was too shy to go up and say hi… Mai's deal wanting to protect those that she holds dear and all that jazz, while Keiko's a cynical SOB. ( By the by, Kouta's not super concerned with Mai being in there until he remembers ah. Mai doesn't have a Lock Vehicle so she can't get out, and the white armored rider is in there, which is when he rushes in like a fool. Except he's on his own while Mai is with Keiko, so it ends up being Kouta who has to get rescued, etc, etc. a lot of early stuff goes this way tbh. Small changes, but overall plot stays same so im not gonna outline it all.)

Takako's thing is a lot more. Okay. Bear with me here. I feel she'd def be far more defensive than Takatora was, because she's got a lot more to prove, and she's pretty isolated-- again, handing out the drivers wasn't her idea, and she's not getting the respect someone else might get at her job level, it's really stressful but Takako's kept going because the people around her-- Ryumi and the other scientists-- say that this is all going to work. Enter Akira. (YEAH. YOU HEARD ME. KAZURABA AKIRA DESERVES A BIGGER ROLE FUCK YALL)

Akira works for Yggdrasil-- she used to be part of a subsidiary, but her last project just got wrapped up, and she was reassigned to Takako's division as junior project manag-- what the fuck. Oh my god?? Is THIS what Yggdrasil's doing? WAIT THAT'S HER LITTLE BROTHER, SHE RECOGNIZES THAT SUIT. If you have Akira and Takako working together I feel that a lot more is viable here, you could compare and contrast Akira's ideals and Takako's. You can def. challenge Takako's ideology that a little risk and loss now is worth the gains that studying Helheim will grant in the future. Akira can act as audience substitute, basically. She's here to yell "SUPERVISOR KURESHIMA, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, WHAT THE HELL" as takako eventually realizes that… possibly… maybe Akira has a point. She's spent so long chasing the company's bottom line she forgot things like, you know, empathy. The problem is, does she realize this too slowly to do any good? Also, what does Ryumi think about Takako's convictions wavering?

So while we're getting introduced to the main players of the Yggdrasil corporation through Akira, the Beat Rider side asks the questions: Who made these drivers, and why give them out to us? And whats with the strange forest? Which eventually leads us into the Christmas game, and the Yggdrasil base camp incident. Kouta learns considerably less than he did (seriously, how did those scientists not get suspicious) but he does learn: this forest is called Helheim, the scientists here work for yggdrasil, and that the Sengoku is the scientist in charge of this project. And then they realize that kouta isn't a yggdrasil employee and raise the alarm except oh no, that’s the moment that the inves attack and suddenly they have more to worry about. Again, minor changes. Kouta sees his sister at the Yggdrasil base but doesn't get the chance to talk to her, everything else can basically go as it did… incluuuding Hase.

Okay. Hase.

Here's how this works. His driver gets broken, okay, fine. Jo doesn't abandon him right away. Even if he's kind of an aggressive musclehead, they've still been working together for a while. But she's not enough to fight alone, and Hase can see that it's really only a matter of time before Jo's goodwill runs out. So he eats the fruit! And does not turn into a monster right away. Instead, it gives him the power that he was looking for this entire time-- he is able to fight on even level as the rest of the armored riders, even though his belt is broken, and it looks like everything is okay. With this, some of the other Beat Riders are considering eating the fruit too. Why's everyone so worried anyways? Besides, they look delicious… however, Micchy points out that Yggdrasil handles the fruits with the utmost caution, and that just because there are no visible harmful effects doesn't mean that they aren't dangerous, etc.

Kouta and Akira also sit down to have a talk about the driver over dinner one night-- they've both been kind of keeping secrets from each other. Akira tries to convince Kouta to stop using the driver because she knows that it's dangerous but isn't sure if Kouta knows that (remember, last time she saw Kouta using the driver in person was Episode 2 shenanigans) -> Kouta shows his sister that yeah, he knows that this isn't a joke, but he wants to help people like she raised him to do. Right now, they need the drivers to fight. Akira relents because he's right, but promises him that after the immediate crisis is over, they're going to have to have another talk about this. Kouta plans to bring his sister to the Gaim garage so that she can brief everyone on everything she's overheard in her the short time she's been working as Takako's assistant, but that'll have to wait until the weekend when she's free. Meanwhile, important stuff is going on in the rest of the city. Show that the beat riders have been losing their audience because of a sudden string of disappearances in Zawame (caused by ppl eating the fruits), and the police are encouraging most people to stay home. Not a lot of people are willing to go outside anymore-- they're scared, and rightfully so. Inves attacks are growing more frequent.

This is pretty frustrating for most of the Beat Riders, especially because people are telling them to break it up and just go home too. More and more Inves are showing up, too… And then some official or something shows up one day and says that until ZPD solves the mystery of the disappearances, the stages are going to be closed. And this is when Hase snaps. See, Hase has been using the belt for a while, so he's built up some immunity to the Helheim fruit's effects. (He doesn't lose it immediately like Yuuya did) But it's still not enough. He'd been acting erratically. More aggressive, recently. And today's the last straw. Hase gets into an argument with the official, it starts getting ugly, Jo steps in between them and…. Hase transforms into an Inves. People are taking pictures of it and everything-- even though the Beat Riders Hotline shuts down the live camera feed quickly, its not fast enough. And Hase goes after Jo. Kouta and Mai run over to pull him off of her and he runs off and everyones going???????

Hase holes up in a warehouse somewhere and mostly transforms back except for hand and he's terrified, he doesn't know what's going on. Jo finds him first and yells at him HEY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, DUDE which, while totally understandable, does nothing for Hase's stress levels. He transforms into an Inves and runs out onto the street, where the others, still searching for Hase, stumble onto him. They end up fighting near Charmant and Oren comes out to see what the fuss was all about, he ends up joining the fight. Hase's lashing out in fear and pain but also he's putting civilians at risk, so the Beat Riders are forced to fight him even though they're well-aware that they can't just like, do a murder. Meanwhile, Keiko gets cornered in Helheim by Youko and Takako, and she is captured. Takako leaves halfway into the battle because she gets word that they've tracked down a Beat Rider that became an Inves and she has to take care of it ASAP. Kouta, Mai, and Jo are still fighting Hase (and also Oren, who doesn't really know what's going on and is trying to kill the inves) without actually trying to fight Hase when Takako shows up. She tells them that that Inves is no longer human and tries to put an arrow right through him, with intent to kill. When the smoke clears…

Jo falls to her knees, because she protected Hase. In the shocked silence afterwards, Jo tells Hase to run. She doesn't know whats going on! And maybe Hase can be kind of a jerk sometimes, and really annoying, he's still her friend, and she doesn't want to see him die. Hase regains some degree of control over his transformation and he backs away, runs off. Takako tries to go after him but is blocked by Kouta, who tells them to get Jo out of there and he'll handle the white armored rider. Spoiler alert: he can't handle the white armored rider, but he bought enough time for the rest of them to get out. Kouta is taken in by Yggdrasil.

I think this is a good place to stop for now, so I'll do more later. Okay, see you around!

[azebraslife]

A Zebra Plays: Brave Beef - Chapter 16B

For our boss of the week: Everybody’s favorite traitor, Orson!

Here’s his stats from Chapter 5X...

To his new stats! HE GOT REALLY BUFF WHAT THE HELL

This is like, the love makes you strong + love makes you evil tropes rolled into one. Orson you need to chill. At least Strength only grew by one, and Res actually decreased by one.

Also that hair of his makes me think of Aizen from Bleach and now I really wanna kick his ass. Those stats annoy me.

This is a bad screencap, but as you can see, Riev is an assassin. Oh, I’m using L’Arachel this time, maybe she can whoop him with an Iron Lance’s effective damage?

I also never quite noticed how creepy Orson’s minimug is here. You need a Snickers, buddy.

My team formation. Mainly going to try getting levels into L’Arachel, Knoll, and Tana. Gilliam will be the flier for the left side, while L’Arachel’s the flier for the right side. Might have Tana fire off some status staves for the sake of EXP. Actually, since I have the warp staff... I could just send Tethys up to deal with the mercs and the warrior right off the bat. Tethys has Lockpick/Steal functions so she can just grab that chest.

Tana gets a good final level. It’s promotion time, girl!

I forgot that Iron Swords are effective against fliers, but Iron Lances are effective against sword users. Guess who’s doing damage and who isn’t.

L’Arachel also gets a decent level out of the venture.

I’m actually somewhat surprised that these mercs had such a high chance of hitting her. Not that it really does anything to her.

She gets a decent level in return. I’m hoping she gains more Strength. Last time, she managed to cap it; to be fair, it’s not a super high growth (only 45%), but she’d do well to proc it some more.

L’Arachel got pretty lucky here and dodged the Iron Axe.

Knoll, meanwhile, gets a level.

As it turns out, sending Tethys up there had the side effect of sending the Druids on the move and triggering the reinforcements early.

I remember at this point that I have a Fili Shield in my inventory that L’Arachel would probably appreciate, and had her take it at the cost of her turn. Though I wonder how much damage they Rangers would do even with effective damage, considering she’s maxed out both Defense and Resistance now.

It’s time for Tana’s promotion, and by proxy of having a not-disgusting palette, I’m going with Valkyrie. Not to mention that MK is pretty disgusting in FE8 anyways. Anima-locked with only 25 Mag? Get out of here.

RISE, TANA, RIIIIIISEEEE!!!!

...Then I remember that Lightning has the Devil effect. I...guess she’ll have to stick with a Shine tome... I might need to give her the Body Ring for her constitution.

L’Arachel somehow manages to dodge the Fighter’s 89% chance, but in exchange misses her own 41%. Fair enough. Meanwhile, it is at this point that I remember these Ranger chumps don’t even have any damn bows. Pathetic.

As pictured here, Divine poisons on hit.

Shine didn’t slow Tana down as much as I thought it would. She gets a -2 speed decrease, putting her at effective 13 speed compared to this chump’s 7. It’s not even like he’d have the chance to counter her, since she just OHKOs him. Git gud scrub.

They’re trying.

Goodness, Artur, what the hell is that 66% rate against a Priest with these stats? Maybe you need the Body Ring more than Tana does. Luna takes down way too much of your accuracy, and Flux won’t last you forever if you only have 11 base Mag. (In any case, I killed the Priest with a quad Flux anyways.)

This was how I remembered that Hatchets now target Res. By regular circumstances, Knoll should’ve been able to kill this Shaman in two hits. Not anymore!

Ah, shit, Tethys doesn’t have innate Lockpicking... I just gave her the ability to use lockpicks. Sometimes, the editor names can be confusing. Luckily, Lute has the Lockpicks on her and whoever kills the Shaman will get it too.

Oh wait, this means Tethys can just go and kill that Shaman.

BRAVE BEEF.

These guys are trying so hard, to no avail.

Oh, and I was worrying about the Priest back there hitting me with a Berserk, but I forgot that if units have high enough Res that they don’t have a good chance of landing it, they won’t even use the staff. So I was probably in zero danger of getting Berserk’d.

As you can see, Javelins are effective against Knights.

Oh, did I mention I gave her the Metis’ Tome?

The woes of only having horrible Skill, Speed, and Luck growths. L’Arachel please I believe in you.

The next batch of reinforcements come up, along with the little thief.

I was worried about Tethys killing all these Druids, only to remember that I’m an idiot and I could just... change her weapon to something that’s not a Wind Sword.

Kyle gets another level.

This keeps on going for a while. No successful hits from the enemy side.

Tana sneaks in another level while the enemies tink away at her.

It takes a while to manage all the enemies and positioning so Tethys can finally steal the Lockpick.

Our man Knoll slays enemies for fun and profit.

Gill gets a crit here.

Okay, I’m tired of all the Eclipsing now. Go away.

Tana profits off this, capping Defense.

Yeah, this will probably be the bulk of her levels until she caps Strength. It’ll be a sad day...

Ha ha Elfire reverses the weapon triangle! Take that!

...Though I was trying to set up for a Kyle kill so Kyle could get a level off this guy. But I guess because this guy could potentially do 5 damage against Ephraim instead of 0 against Kyle, he attacked Ephraim instead on enemy phase. Damn you, Druid!

Killing the Physic priest grants us this level. More speed and luck!

I... guess it’s something. Only Skill and Speed are gonna grow for her, unless she gets miraculous procs for HP, Strength, or Luck.

A lot of enemies have really low chances to hit, from a combination of Orson’s high skill and speed, and my units’ low stats in those same areas. Ephraim, though will do just fine thanks to Elfire.

First, though, getting more stat boosts by topping off his support roster with a Tana B.

“You, your giant lizard, and you horribly-borked battle palette have no right to sit there!”

However, as to not waste EXP, I have Tethys finish him off. (Though... shouldn’t the Runesword have WTA against the Wind Sword? Huh.)

Time to finish this up.

With Ephraim finally able to promote, I’m going to go with Sage for him. If he really has a 75% magic growth, I’m not wasting that on the Mage Knight’s 24 magic cap. Boy already can’t double as it is, and none of his promotions give him Skill or Speed. May as well get the power, then.