#I can imagine that although she feels resentment she also is happy for the ones who didn’t lose their egg

[k0rnfl4ke]

Day 2: Jealousy

(I am not caught up with QSMP so if anything is inaccurate I apologize)

I feel Jaiden must have felt a sorta of jealousy or resentment after she lost Bobby and I’ve been wanting to draw Leo sooo this is my excuse to draw them both :D

Also I’m not the best at backgrounds but I tried my best! I like it for the most part^^

[dont-look-its-embarrassing]

To be Understood

Second part to "To be Seen"

Hey! I honestly didn't think people would like the last drabble as much as they did and I didn't have a pt.2 planned, but I decided to try and see where it goes.

Also, I am new to actually posting something and having feedback or having people want to be tagged, so I didn't do something right in the tagging process pls let me know :)

I am going to make this a little series bc I cannot fit the entirety of the story in one and actually make it comprehensive and not 10,000+ words in one one-shot. :)))

Plus, I think I could make this just the right amount of heart wrenching and fluffy >:)

Summary: Following up on his promise to keep a more watchful position in your newly transitioned life, Azriel attempts to get to know you and spend time in your presence. After the panic attack in the town of Velaris, more seeing eyes has been turned towards you from your friends. They are trying to make sure you are accounted for more than before, but time and pressure has some things slipping. Multiple awkward encounters and attempts to see eye to eye to the spymaster (in particular) leads to an intimate confession between the two of you.

Warnings: Slight mentions of PTSD recovery, anxiety, self-doubt, slight!jealous Azriel, Cassian is testing the waters with his brother again

Words: 2,668

previous part

The sun was the first thing your eyes adjusted to upon waking up. The slight breeze from the open window brought in the fresh smell of the dew and had your body relaxing further into the comfy sheets as the temperature in the room reflected that of outside. The eccentricity of your room bringing comfort and serenity and the little nicknacks you have collected since being here allowed a cozy feeling to emulate throughout it.

Feyre even mentioned how jealous she was of how comfortable and warm your room is, and mentioned she couldn’t get hers to be similar even when she tried.

The memory had you smiling.

Stretching underneath the comfortable weighted comforter, you pull back the edge, allowing your body to be exposed to the colder air. Grabbing the longer silk robe that hung beside you, you made your way out of your comfort zone to the hallway towards the kitchen. Ever since your moment within the town, Feyre, Cassian, Mor, everyone had made sure that you were taken care of and heard. It took some time to get used to, admittedly, all the extra attention. At first you had slightly resented it as you could only imagine it as an act of pity and after you had an episode, you also understood that the type of thinking is how the eldest Archereon is as cold as she is. Plus, the time you spend with them has created strong bonds and happy memories for you.

It also had you picking up new hobbies that you never had time for before.

Turns out you can cook.

And bake.

Really well actually.

So well that often times when you bake a new treat or snack, upon knowing of its presence, the residents of the house would have it gone within the hour. It made you feel good, to be able to repay in some way the aid they have given you.

The mystery that is your abilities have yet to be explored since the outburst, but you also didn’t mind as your head was finally wrapping around the circumstances you have been put through. Although, the High Lord or Rhys, had expressed interest in potentially figuring it out soon to see if it could help them and the court. You were all over it, and the aspect of integrating into this family further made you excited.

Arriving in the kitchen, you begin gathering ingredients to make breakfast. The house, although it can provide anything you wish for food, seemed to pick up on your therapeutic hobby and promoted it. Even gathering ingredients and appearing them before you on the counterspace. You always chalked it up to the house wanting a break from constantly taking care of people, but deep down you knew it seemed to have a little soft spot for you. Whipping together the batter, throwing it in the divine oven and cooking the meats to perfection, the breakfast is ready in about an hour.

The sun had settled into the sky, far from shining over the horizon which had its’ light wake you.

It was still early though.

Looking at the spread before you, you had asked the house to keep it warm and ready for everyone as they began to roll out of bed and chase the heavenly scent of pancakes, bacon and omelet.

It was Azriel’s favorite.

The skin of your cheeks flared at the thought and shook your head at how absurd you are. Cooking and baking for everyone allowed you to take notice of things that they had favored over the rest, often being expressed vocally. However, some, like the spymaster, just through body language and action would key you into likes and dislikes. Feyre loved eggs benedict, in almost nauseatingly cuteness, so did her mate. When you would make it, almost as a sixth sense, those two would always be the first to arrive and express how happy the dish made them before gathering a large plate. Cassian was a sandwich guy, anything quick and simple, but he swears you enchant the sausage and bacon you add to be sweet and salty at the same time. On those days you often must make a bounty of those little sandwiches for him to take with him for the day. Mor liked simple muffins and like Cass, would wrap one up to go while giving you a hug on her way out. Nesta and Elaine hadn’t showed up for breakfast but the youngest seemed to prefer oatmeal, which ironically was also her favorite while human.

Azriel was the hardest to read. With every dish you made, breakfast/lunch/dinner, he would appreciate and eat like a man starved (an exaggeration but you always found your eyes on him anyway). You had switched up the recipes and altered the assortment of foods, but every time he would tell you how much he liked it and clear the plate.

It wasn’t until you truly watched him did you found out just how much he loved the simple things in life.

It was a day like any other, you had cooked breakfast and set up the table for a nice meal as you had known everyone would be able to sit and eat together. It was uncommon so you made a tried-and-true love by everyone.

Bacon, eggs and pancakes with homemade lavender syrup that you asked Elaine to harvest for you in her garden.

As everyone sat, you couldn’t help but let your eyes stare as the spymaster sat down fresh out of bed and allowed a little small smile to grace his features looking at the plate he had. It was all you needed to know, and each time you would serve something new, you would watch for the little ticks that he would allow to shine through.

A smile.

A little sigh and relief of tension from his shoulders.

A gentle extra “Thank you” which he would all but whisper across the table to you.

All of it had your heart thumping and blood rushing to your face, allowing that little butterfly to turn into hundreds.

After his comment after taking you home, he had made his presence around you more common and you loved it. Every time the two of you were together time became irrelevant, the serene sense that would settle over your body was addictive. You had only prayed that he got the same sense of belonging.

He was such a pretty male.

So gentle and observant.

It was so hard to not have your feelings bleed into your everyday life and movements. It wasn’t long after the incident with him that your thoughts were all but consumed by him.

Not that you were complaining.

“It smells divine in here.” The soft sound of Mor broke you out of your rather long thoughts of Az, as an easy smile fell over your face.

“I wanted to make something simple today.” You shrug, but meeting the second hand’s eyes, you stumbled slightly.

“How are you settling in Y/n?” Her tone was inquisitive, but the smile that bloomed her face left you choking.

“Well.” You coughed, “I’m settling in well.”

“Anyone in particular helping you out?” You narrowed your eyes to her.

“Everyone has been amazing.”

“Oh, come on Y/n!” She shuffled towards you as mischief glinted in her eyes. “You can tell me; we all see it.”

Your heart stopped.

“All?” Her light laughter halted.

“No not all, some though.” Your breathing resumed. “I highly doubt if you wrote a sign with all these love meals, he still wouldn’t see it.” It was chastising, lovingly, but still with a little edge to it.

“He is just being friendly Mor.” You argue with a sigh. It was the one thought you couldn’t get out of your head. Viewing his relationship with everyone and his attentiveness towards Elaine. You couldn’t help but just feel as if he enjoyed your presence, but as a friend.

Mor sighed and looked towards the still steaming pile of pancakes and syrup.

“I know it can be difficult to believe, but he’s more relaxed around you. If any two people deserve to be happy or even have a shot, it’s you two.” The sounds of footsteps down the hall had her breaking away from you but not without a nod sent towards her. You would be open to him and the idea, more than just the little crush you have accumulated.

The in-question footsteps that had the conversation halting belonged to Feyre, Rhys and the male in question. Most likely fresh from training as small beads of sweat pooled on their skin and hair showed dampness.

You watched the spymaster’s eyes alight, taking in the assortment of his favorites on the counter. He quickly grabbed a plate, effortlessly and unbeknownst to his high lord and lady, cutting in front of them to scoop his desired piles.

“Y/n, you are the most amazing person I have ever met.” Feyre exclaimed as her body seemed to quiver with the simple task of standing, but her obviously salivating mouth had her also reaching for cutlery and plates to pile stuff onto. Rhys laughed in response to her antics and followed suit, thanking you in the process as both followed the now seated Azriel to the table. It was sweet, his honor to wait for you to be seated and with food to begin eating. You could tell some days it really tried his control; however, those days you knew without a shadow of a doubt that he truly loved the food that had been prepared. Glancing back towards the table, you met eyes briefly with Azriel.

The warmth that showed in them had you ignite with hope and adoration towards the male, almost uncontrollably so. It had you smiling and fiddling at the ends of your hair.

The following sounds of heavier steps broke your attention.

“Can I just say, I am in love with you.” Cassian entered the kitchen with heat and brought you into a quick embrace. The smell of sweat and sand had you scrunching your nose but the laugh that exited you had him add a little spin before setting you down.

The soft sound of a chair being moved echoed as you didn’t realize the table had become quiet, watching.

Mor had a shit eating grin, but not at you, but at the now walking over Spymaster. The same spymaster picked up your loaded plate (you were waiting for everyone to be served before doing so yourself) and brought it back to the table, setting it down in the open seat across from himself. You tilted your head but caught the small look between the mates at the table, notably having a non-verbal conversation. Looking back at the general, he too had a smile, but one only aimed at you and the food in front of you.

“I’ll be over once I pile the rest of the bacon on.” Another laugh emitted from you as you walked over to your place, noting the food had been set down gently and not disturbed when Azriel had placed it.

You looked up and met his hazel eyes, there was a slight edge to it, but not at you. In fact, when you met his eyes, you could’ve sworn they melted from that ice back to the warmth that was once there before.

The settling of plates had you glance over at Cassian. He was only a seat away from, you but on the other side of the table.

Easy conversation settled over the table as everyone began to eat. Taking bites of your eggs and bacon, a small moan of appreciation rattled through you. You caught movement in your peripheral where Azriel sat, but didn’t bother to check or see what it was assuming it was just him enjoying his meal.  Even you had to admit this was good. Similar sounds followed suit as everyone dug in and the sounds of scraping of plates that filled the room.

“Are you busy today?” Cassian piped up after shoveling a rather large mouthful of egg. You shook your head; you didn’t think you had anything planned but were going to ask if Azriel had a couple hours to spare for some time alone with him to talk. You opened your mouth to speak, but before you could Az had cleared his throat and spoke up.

“We have plans.” The room turned towards the male as he stared at his brother, the ice returning to his gaze. You wracked your brain trying to make sure you didn’t forget plans that you had made prior but came up empty. That grin from Mor returned as she made eye contact with you.

Suddenly the leftover soggy pancakes on your plate looked really interesting.

“Oh?” The brother threw back. Looking over to Cassian again, you nodded along feigning innocence.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve forgotten for a moment.” Although you knew your best friend and possibly Mor clocked it quick, you allowed the easy smile to lay it on thick with the general. He returned it and nodded along, taking the lie for a simple slip of the mind.

“No problem, but when you’re free I want to show you around the training grounds. I think it could be good for you.” Your chest filled with pride again, even some that you didn’t think could be your own, but none the less made you feel all nice. As everyone cleaned up and filed out, you caught eyes with Azriel.

His shoulders were tense.

Nervous even.

The depth of his shadows swirled around him as he took particularly long to wash up his plate.

Watching the last of your friends exit the kitchen and the food clean itself up and put away, you made light steps over to the shadowsinger.

“So, what’s on the agenda today?” You ask. The feign confidence of your words had Az glancing over with a small smile. Releasing a little sigh, he removed his eyes from his now empty hands which wrapped around the front of the sink. He had leaned into it, seemingly matching your confident air.

“Anything you want, sunshine.” Your cheeks flushed as you looked away. Today was a record for heat that entered your face. You tried your best not to allow the nerves in your stomach to ruin the encounter.

You would be fine.

It’s just two friends hanging out.

All normal here.

But the ideas that Mor had fed into your brain ran rampant.

“There is a bakery and some shops I want to explore. Can we go today?” You originally had plans to go with Feyre. In fact, she had made you swear you wouldn’t go without her because she heard the pastries were divine.

She would forgive you once she knew who you went with instead.

“Of course, I’ve been meaning to make a couple stops as well. We can go together.” You couldn’t help the small seed of selfishness from talking as you held eye contact with the male.

“Can you fly us down? I’m still not used to winnowing.” It was the most believable lie you have ever let slip past your lips, but you didn’t feel sorry about it. Would you ever admit it was because you wanted to be pressed against him with adrenaline rushing through you? Or that you wanted to feel his strong arms hold you without a single ounce of sweat or issue? Perhaps that you wanted to smell his scent of frost and night and hope to any god that would listen that it would cling to the sweater you would wear. Not if your life depended on it and there was a sword slitting your throat.

However, something in the way Azriel’s eyes darkened slightly and his smile turned into a smirk had you second guessing how thoroughly your ulterior motives had been hidden.

“Anything for you Sunshine, wouldn’t dream of making you ill.”

He clocked it.

Tags:

@starswholistenanddreamsanswered @willowpains @adventure-awaits13 @

[wegog]

Okay, I still think people don't speak enough about how Hades and Persephone's love story is great in Hades game(s).

The way you have to figure it out is like a puzzle. And together with Zagreus you change your opinion about the situation every time. The way Persephone talks about how Hades was always gentle with her and gave her the space she so lacked on Olympus. The fact that after many years, she can still talk about him so dreamily. But at the same time, she is resentful of the way the relationship between Hades and their son turned out. She does not believe that Hades' love could survive all the pain that permeated the last days of their marriage. Although in fact this love is stronger than death. What Hades had always feared was that Persephone had never truly chosen him.

And he always put her needs and desires above the selfishness that often accompanies such strong feelings. Hades was literally the perfect husband who deeply respected his queen and recognized her strength, allowing her to shed the nickname "Kore" forever. And in his desire to do everything as best as possible for his beloved, he only makes things worse, dooming them both (and their son) to suffering. In turn, Persephone leaves Hades not only because she thinks that their son is stillborn, but also because she is afraid of the war that could happen between the gods due to the difficult circumstances under which she ended up in the Underworld (I'm looking at you Zeus).

They are both ready to leave each other so that their loved one is happy, in order to improve things in their kingdom. But it's separation that makes them so wretched, harms their son and the entire Underworld! The fact that the developers decided to make Persephone the Goddess of Verdure and Grain (what means she's kind of the Goddess of what gives mortals food, in fact, the Goddess of the Life), and Hades, the God of the Dead, makes their story so beautifu! Just as many characters in the game cannot imagine them together, it is also obvious to us that they are inseparable from each other, like life and death.

And, of course, small details, like Persephone pored over his portraits even before they met like she was some kind of his fan, what is very funny and breaks the stereotypes.. And how she likes to joke at Hades goodhumouredly, despite the fact that she admires him. And how the Goddess will always point out to him what needs to be done to fix his work or/and his relationship with their son. The way at first Persephone says she and Hades have little in common, but immediately mentions something they share like the same taste in music. Or the fact that they are both insanely smart and seem to be both incredibly good at that boring paperwork (which is doubly funny considering how terrible Zagreus is at it).

No one seems to say it in the game, but despite their outward differences (yes, that frown socially awkward huge God that everyone should be afraid of and that radiant little Goddess with incredible powers of persuasion that everyone adore), in fact, they not just complement each other, but also very similar, but on a deeper level!

P.S. I also see similar dynamics in Zagreus and Thanatos. Like, yes, the God of Blood and Life is together with the personification of Death and so on and so on...

[frankiebirds]

i have so many feelings about the "why mess with perfection" scene. im going to analyze it in a way it was probably never intended to be. fuck you silly crime show i can overthink ANYTHING. this got long so it's under a cut. please please read it though im actually very proud of this one.

personally i count this line as being more evidence that william reid is a scumbag. this is how diana describes her pregnancy with spencer in the episode immediately proceeding this:

"I went off my medication when I was pregnant with you. I spent every day in terror, but I made it. And it was beautiful. I had you."

it's a bit of a mixed bag, because she clearly considers it to have been worth it, but. i mean, maybe this is just me, but if my wife went off her antipsychotic medication for the duration of her pregnancy and "spent every day in terror", i wouldn't be raring to put her through that again. "I made it" also feels quite charged to me, like there were moments where she wasn't sure she would.

from what i could find, there's still no real consensus on whether antipsychotics are safe for use during pregnancy (as much as any medication can be) and i imagine there was even less certainty during the early 80s. any subsequent pregnancies would likely have also involved diana going off her meds, and pregnancy is difficult enough when you AREN'T also skipping your antipsychotics.

and diana's expression here—to me, that's not the expression of a woman who had one kid and was then just like "nah im happy with this one." it's a woman who had an extremely difficult pregnancy and whose husband then tried to convince her to do it over and over again. there's resentment in the way she delivers that line.

as sweet as this line is, i think it's ultimately diana protecting spencer. she can't say "my pregnancy was incredibly difficult, i couldn't bring myself to do it again" because spencer will get a complex about it. so she says this, although that doesn't mean it isn't also true. in a perfect world where diana's pregnancy was as smooth sailing as pregnancies get (because i don't think there's really such thing as an easy pregnancy), i think she still probably would have only wanted one child. it's not that this isn't why diana wanted to stop at baby number one, but i do think there's a second reason she's leaving out because she knows the truth will make spencer feel guilty.

but i think he sees through it. not that he'd ever tell her. (she knows anyway. not that she'd ever tell him.)

[littlemissaddict]

It's Not About The Blanket - Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Summary: A short fluffy blurb about how Eddie only likes to share a blanket with reader. Pure fluff with a sprinkle of angst if you squint.

Word Count: 764

Sharing a blanket with Eddie was not uncommon for her. Movie nights around Steve’s or huddled in the back of his van late at night up at Lovers Lake when she needed an escape or late nights after band practice when they’re still lounging about in Gareth’s garage and she’s listening to them discussing their plans to ‘take on the world’. You can guarantee that in each of these situations and any other where she has a blanket wrapped around her shoulders it won’t be long before Eddie is joining her even though he isn’t even cold.

Tonight is one of those nights, albeit it has taken him longer than usual to work his way under her blanket, they’re two movies into the marathon instead of just one when she feels the tug of the blanket. Though don’t mistake her thoughts as complaints, she is more than happy to share her blanket with him and even happier to be this close to him (not that she would tell him that), but it makes her wonder why he doesn’t get his own. Or share with someone else because she’s just now come to realise that when Eddie on the rare occasion doesn’t sit beside her, he never seems to share a blanket with whoever else is next to him, only when it’s her.

She whispers his name so as not to disturb any of the others who are still watching the movie, it’s quiet and she doesn’t think that he’s heard her until a soft hum leaves him in acknowledgement. “Why do you only ever share my blanket?” she asks, it’s silly but it’s been niggling away at her since the realisation came to her.

“What?” Eddie blinks up at her as his brow furrows and she thinks that maybe he misheard her so she repeats herself.

A sigh comes from beside Eddie before he has any chance to respond, “It’s because he’s in love with you” Steve’s voice deadpans as he barely glances from the screen. Now it’s her turn to be confused as she glances between a wide eyed Eddie and an annoyed looking Steve but surely he can’t be annoyed that they’ve interrupted the film because he didn’t even want to watch Back to the Future in the first place.

“God you’re both as oblivious as each other” Robin pipes up, the film now paused as both her and Steve look at the two of them still cuddled up under the blanket despite the revelation from Steve. “It’s not about the blanket, it’s about the person” she clarifies with a shake of her head and she swears she sees Robin roll her eyes but maybe she just imagined it.

“So you like me?” she asks, just to clarify, hoping to hear it from Eddie himself rather than their friends.

“Of course I do you’re my best friend I wouldn’t spend as much time with you if I didn’t” he responds, a sarcastic hint to his tone but she knows him well enough to know that it’s a defence mechanism, that he’s expecting to be turned down if he reveals his true feelings.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it Ed” she frowns, shifting away from him as she sits up from her slouched position against the back of the couch.

“Okay yeah, fine they’re right” he mumbles, unable to look her in the eyes as he confesses. He also pulls away from her, inching his way out from under the blanket almost as if he’s convinced that the rejection is coming, that he’s fucked up their whole friendship all because he couldn’t keep his feelings in check.

Her hand reaches out to grip his arm which stops him in his tracks as he slowly lifts his gaze, reluctantly meeting her eyes but he doesn’t find any trace of resentment in her eyes as he expected to. Instead she looks at him as she always does, although there seems to be relief written across her face at hearing the speculation confirmed. He feels the hand on his arm pull slightly and he lets her guide him back into their earlier position as he readjusts the blanket around them. They settle back at ease in the knowledge that their feelings are reciprocated as the film begins playing again and sure they need to talk about it but now is not the time, for now they are just them as they always have been happy with each other and their friends who love them dearly even if they are both idiots in love.

[sailingintothenight]

“DARLING, YOU.”

FutureDad!Tom Holland x actress!reader.

Summary: On a rainy day, (Y/N) broke up with Tom and never looked back. The reason is still a mystery, is a secret you never told anyone. But after 4 years and a hopeless night, you and Tom must face the next 9 months together while you two decide whether you can pick up your life where you left off or the resentment will be too much to forgive and forget. But how easy can it be when there is a new girl in his life and a possible new love in your own?

A/N: Hello everyone. It's been over 4 years since I first posted this story, and I thought it was lost and forgotten, but after all this time, I realized that I still want to keep writing about Tom. My depression has taken me to some very dark places, preventing me from continuing with this page, but I still have affection for it, so I don't want to let it go just yet. I'm sure no one remembers this story anymore hehehe but I want to see how far I can go with it, even if only one person likes it. So, here I am! I hope you give it a chance again. Thank you so much! - V.

(Just in case you haven't notice, Timothée Chalamet will be (Y/N)' romantic interest because i'm delulu and i love him as well hehe)

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 00

CHAPTER 01

“I’m pregnant, Ryan.”

As a girl who grew tall but is still a girl on the inside, the world she knew has completely changed, scaring her, and as she waits, sitting on a bench on that playground for her older brother to react, everything seems like a strange and alien place, and silent tears threaten to fall easily down her tender, yet sad face. Her world doesn’t stop spinning and (Y/N) doesn’t know if it’s her fears or her pregnancy that causes the nausea that rises from the bottom of her stomach to the corner of her throat, although she believes it’s still too early for that. The pain in her chest makes her heart tighten, as painfully as her mother’s words that pierced her and turned to ashes the fire she thought she had to face the uncertain future that awaited her. So (Y/N) sighs deeply and exhales the air out of her body leaving her without strength or desire to continue, but she knows she has no choice now, because her body no longer belongs to her just like that house where she lived all her life.

She just hopes her brother doesn't have the same reaction than her parents.

“We're happy about that, aren't we, love?” And to her surprise, he smiles, looking at her with eyes full of love, but he can't hide his concern. “The baby... Is it Tom's?”

(Y/N) nods softly, but she tries not to drown in the embarrassment.

“Don't ask how it happened.”

Ryan laughs softly.

“I have three kids, honey, I know exactly how it happened.” He holds his sister’s hand in her lap, sharing a bit of his warmth with her now that she feels like the world has frozen over. It’s comforting, though. “From your expression, I imagine Mom already knows, so I know well that she and Dad didn’t have the best of reactions.” Ryan sighs heavily, watching his twins play on that playground for a moment. “I’m sorry, (Y/N). I know Mom and Dad love us, but they also loved the idea that marriage comes first. So… does Tom know it?”

(Y/N) nods again.

“Yes, he’s been very… kind, even after everything that happened.”

Ryan has a lot of questions, but he decides to start with the most important one.

“Are you guys going to keep the baby?”

“Yes.” (Y/N) lets out a held breath, but she can’t stop a thousand worries from stabbing her heart like daggers. “But I’m scared. I'm afraid I'm not going to be a good mother, that my good intentions aren't enough to raise a baby properly.”

Ryan shrugs, at peace with himself, because he harbored those doubts too.

“No one magically knows how to raise a child, baby, that’s something you learn along the way, but I always thought of you as a very warm person, with a lot of love to give, and I trust that that’s the pillar with which you lay the foundation to raise your child: the rest, like changing diapers, preparing milk, putting them to sleep, is something you learn with time and that’s something you already know how to do. You helped me with my children even though you lived between movies, traveling most of the time. You know how to love, (Y/N), and that’s all a baby asks for, to be loved and protected. The rest comes on its own. Besides, the baby has a father, and if Tom loves him or her like he loved you, and I know he will, my nephew or niece will be the luckiest of all, okay?” Ryan tries to hold her gaze, but (Y/N) feels relief through the fear, and the feeling overflows over the edge of her heart, so she rests her head against his shoulder. “It’ll be okay, honey.”

“Promise?” she asks, in a little girl’s voice.

“I promise.”

A few minutes later, Danielle and Ethan, the twins who had just turned 7, run up to them when they see their favorite aunt. (Y/N) can feel the love flowing from their hearts towards her, and although she usually jokes that they only loved her because she was their only aunt, the truth is that the twins’ love was because (Y/N) loved them as if they were hers, just like Tom had said.

As the afternoon is about to end, and the weather changes, (Y/N) stops in front of Tom’s door, the key in her shaking hand. At that moment, (Y/N) thinks and wonders: Tom Holland must have been just a stranger since they said goodbye in the past, but how would she call him now? He was no longer her darling, her only, her love. Should she talk to him as if nothing had happened? As if they hadn’t broken up in the most feasible way? What is the appropriate distance between Tom and her? What is the metric system that must separate them so they don't cross the line again that got them into that situation in the first place? One half of her wished to stay in the warmth of the bed Tom handed her last night, and the other wished she could take her margarita and leave that place too.

Taking a ragged breath, she opens the door and walks in. Giving her a warm welcome, Tessa runs to the door, tail wagging, recognizing who her mom was as Tom used to call (Y/N) when they were together.

"Tom?"

“In the kitchen!” (Y/N) walks over with Tessa at her side, one hand holding her still flat belly, wondering if she was doing this to protect the tiny baby currently growing inside her, or for the baby to give her the courage to face the uncertain future. Stopping at the double glass doors, (Y/N) watches Tom serve dinner, dinner he didn’t have to make, leaving two plates on the granite table in the middle of the place. “I don’t know how to cook yet so please don’t be too picky with me. But I made your favorite: spaghetti with sausage…” Tom pauses, giving her a dubious look. “It’s still your favorite, isn’t it?”

(Y/N) nods, but guilt bubbles up inside her.

“Yeah.”

Tom can feel the relief in his bones.

“Great. Sit down, I’ll get something to drink.” Moving around the kitchen that is his, Tom can sense the reservations in her, but silently, and without pressure, he hopes that will change with time, although he knew they had to talk about it because, the best time to do things is now, right? (Y/N) takes a seat on the wooden chair, giving Tessa a couple of pats on the head at the same time as Tom places two cans of soda on the table, before sitting down as well. “So… everything went well with Ryan?”

“No. He’s mad at you for getting his little sister pregnant.”

“What?” Tom blinks, like a scared child, and she can’t help but laugh.

She needed that desperately, to laugh, even if it’s just a little bit.

“I’m sorry. I’m just kidding with you, Tom…” (Y/N) looks at him with a small smile, and it’s sweet because she always was. “Everything worked out. Ryan’s glad to finally be an uncle, he says I was already making him wait too long... and how did it go with your brothers?”

“Good, very good, actually. I don’t know which of the three is more excited to be an uncle.” Tom watches her for a few seconds, taking the spaghetti on her fork, but not bringing it to her mouth. “Should we… talk about how things will be when the baby arrives?”

(Y/N) swallows the lump in her throat, because she would like to avoid that conversation at all costs, she would like to stop wondering where the baby will live, if seeing the baby grow up in two homes is what he or she deserved.

“Can we talk about something less serious? Please?”

Tom nods when she looks into his eyes, pleading, and he can see the fear in them, the unanswered questions, the pain.

“I was thinking of several names.” Tom smiles shyly, but he can’t keep his joy quiet. “I couldn’t sleep thinking about it.”

“Oh, yeah?” (Y/N) manages to smile too. “Like which ones?”

Deep in his gaze, (Y/N) can see his nervousness, but also his endless happiness.

“Autumn or Marly if the baby is a girl, and Nathan or Noah if the baby is a boy.”

(Y/N), smiling but avoiding his gaze for a moment, takes a sausage on her fork, just to hide the fact that his happiness is contagious.

“They are very beautiful. I like them.” She looks into his eyes, before eating the sausage, and, although she doesn’t know it, that small action is comforting to him, because, in some way, that was his way of contributing to her pregnancy as a father. “The truth is that I haven’t thought about it yet, but if you agree, I would like to name her Rose if the baby is a girl.”

“Like your grandmother.” Tom can’t help but smile, and (Y/N) nods. “Autumn Rose Holland, sounds like perfect, don’t you think?”

Too perfect.

When they finish dinner, (Y/N) heads upstairs to her borrowed room, against her wishes because Tom wouldn’t let her do the dishes. But when he’s alone with his thoughts, because Tessa was determined to stay by (Y/N)’s side, his phone rings on the granite counter.

“Hey, Mum.” He answers, on speaker as he starts washing the dishes.

“Hey, honey, It's been a few days since we talked... Is (Y/N) okay? Are you okay?”

Tom sighs, because, even though their future together was uncertain, he wanted to do things right for his baby.

“(Y/N) is okay, she went upstairs to get ready for bed. I guess I’m okay too, but I’ll be better when she and I can figure things out.”

Nikki stays silent for a few long seconds.

“Tom, honey, have you thought about living together?”

“I tried to talk to her about it, but (Y/N) isn’t ready, and I don’t want to pressure her into talking about something that makes her uncomfortable. I want her and our baby to be okay, and with the little I read online these nights, it’s best that she doesn’t feel pressured about anything, so I’m going to wait until she’s ready to talk to me.”

Nikki laughs, softly.

“You still love her, don’t you? The way you want to take care of her, it sounds like you do.”

Tom thinks about it before speaking.

“I don’t know, mum. (Y/N) was the first girl I ever loved, and I loved her for a long time, almost my whole life, you know that.” He can’t help but laugh, smiling to himself. “I fell in love with her before I knew what love was. And I can’t lie to myself and not say that I lived part of my life following her around when we were kids, that she could say something and I would completely agree like a fool.”

Nikki smiles, even if he can't see her.

“Do you remember when you were kids and you didn’t want to go to the fair? But the moment (Y/N) told you that she wanted to go, you insisted that we go too. You changed your mind so quickly when things were about her.”

For some reason, Tom feels a little embarrassed that his mom noticed how deeply in love he was too. But it’s a nice, warm shame, like when you’re a kid and someone asks you if you’re in love with your classmate, and so that she or he doesn’t find out, you say no, even though deep down you know it’s a big lie.

“I guess after all… I still love her,” he says, in a low voice, as if that would make his mom not hear him.

“But is that enough for you two to get back together?” Nikki leaves the question hanging for a moment before continuing. “Your baby has the right to grow up in a united home, Tom, but you have to ask yourself what you want first. If you decide to raise the baby separately, it’s not the end of the world, because that won’t deprive him or her of the love you two will give your child. What I mean is that you look for what’s best for you too, because you’ll be a great father, I have no doubt about that, son.”

When they end the call, and in the middle of his meditation, Tom receives a text from the director of “The Devil All the Time.” It’s the last thing he wanted to read at that moment when his thoughts are spinning with the force of a hurricane, but Tom knows that he can’t avoid his responsibilities as an actor. With the phone in his pants pocket, he walks up the stairs until he stops at the guest room, silently wishing, amidst the constant confusion of his feelings, that (Y/N) had agreed to sleep in his room. Not together, he had thought, unless she wanted it that way.

He hated himself for thinking that way.

“(Y/N)? Can I come in?”

“Come in.”

When Tom enters, he laughs softly at the sight of Tessa on the bed, next to her. Sitting there, phone in hand, he knows he won’t be able to keep Tessa away from (Y/N), and that she also knows that the filming of the movie had been moved up two weeks, so they would both have to travel to Alabama the next day.

“I guess you got the same message I did.”

(Y/N) nods.

“Yeah, but it’s okay, you know? I think this will help us clear our minds until we can talk about this situation.”

Tom can’t help it, his brow furrowing into a worried expression.

“If I’m honest, I’d rather you stayed home. I’m worried you’d have to work extra and that might affect the baby.”

Home, he had said, but until they sorted out their current situation, she felt like she didn’t have a home of her own, even though he was offering her one.

“I know you’re worried about the baby, and I really appreciate it, Tom, but trust me when I tell you that I’m going to be okay, that I’m going to take care of the baby too, and that if at any point the stress gets too much, I’ll be able to stop myself.”

“I’m worried about you too, (Y/N).” His gaze is sincere, and she can’t help but get lost in his autumn-colored eyes, just like the name he wants for his daughter. “We’re in this together, and I know I can’t contribute much to your pregnancy, but I want to take care of you two as much as I can.”

Despite the constant nervousness she feels when she’s around him, (Y/N) manages to hold his gaze, steeling herself.

“I know, Tom, the baby is ours, and believe me, just having you here with me is comforting. The truth is, I’m really scared, and I think you must be too, but despite that, I can feel your love for the baby. And that’s all I need from you in this pregnancy. That, and you holding my hair if I can’t when the nausea starts.”

(Y/N) is joking, but she also means it, and Tom knows it well, because after so many years together, he can see through her like glass.

Tom smiles.

“Trust me, darling, this baby will be so loved that when he or she grows up, he or she will throw it in our faces that we smothered him or her with our love.”

(Y/N) chuckles.

“I’m sure of that.”

Tom wants to say more, he wants to include her in that suffocating love, but the barrier between them still exists, so, after saying goodnight, he leaves the room heading towards his own. But it’s ironic, isn’t it? as Tom receives a second text.

I can’t wait to see you, Tommy. – Hana.

Because in the solitude of the room, (Y/N) receives the same one.

I can’t wait to see you, darling, it’ll be fun to work together again. – Timmy.

Hey! I'm tagging the people who asked for it in the beginning, but if you don't want it anymore, just let me know please :)

@theresnooneheretosave

@jackiehollanderr

@darkwandanat

@thevelvetseries

@omi-my-beloved

@lilhoodhippie

@sesamepancakes

@kait4073

@boiolay

@mayal0pez

[lazy-drawn]

Merry Lil' Batman!

Just saw it and I can say that it was a good movie. It made me happy, laugh and tear up a little. It was enjoyable and would watch again. Not much of a review just a small rant of this movie, pointing out what I liked about it.

!!SPOILERS!!

Can I just how happy I am with how Bruce is just a good dad here. Like he's overprotective of Damian sure. But when father and son are together you can tell how much Bruce loves Damian.

Speaking of love as a Talia fan I'll be honest I was worried how she would be portrayed since we weren't given any hint of her in the trailer. But while we don't see her in the movie I'm just happy that they do mention her. And it is shown that Bruce does love her and she isn't the evil they have to fight (yes I worry everytime she is mentioned to appear). Here are three mentions:

Bruce's tattoo on his chest.

Bruce mention of how he felt when meeting her for the first time.

And the hinted she is alive but she must've given Damian to be raised by Bruce instead. Though she is a villian it doesn't seem Bruce or Damian feel resentment towards her.

Anyway with that out of the way. Another like is Damian having a cat. And while it might not be our regular tuxedo cat I'm they show Damian to be an animal lover. And you guess what her name is. Wonder who she was gifted by?

Now here are just some tear jerkers for me. The fact there are times that although not really stated what happened to Bruce's parents cause you know it's still a kid's movie I really like that they don't ignore it.

Ah! My heart in this scene made my heart break. Damian lost of Bat-dad. Why!? Baby boy is crying....🥲

If I was a little kid this would've scared me. This black and white with Damian running scared in a alleyway. Am I the only one that felt like it was a parallel to Bruce as a kid.

With this one I did break. Not only for this Damian but also my mind quickly went to comic book Damian. And if you know his comic stories and the life he was dealt with. If your a Damian fan and love this boy can you imagine he was like this once to. 😭 (WFA Damian and Lil' Batman are so lucky compared to comic Damian.)

Luckily Alfred was here! Another love for this movie is that not only do we feel the father and son love but you also feel it with Alfred. Our dear old butler (that I know some made fun of his design) that is much a father to Bruce and grandfather to Damian.

Not much else to say. Just pointing out the things I liked about this movie. It was a fun time and hope you give it a watch. Tell me what you liked about it if you've seen it.😄😊

[quitealotofsodapop]

In most of the aus, there's no need to say that Wukong and Macaque need a very long, long heart to heart conversation a out everything that happened between them and the question of just WHAT they are to each other now, but I feel that goes doubly so in the Slow Boiled Au. Because where it's easy to see, Wukong was mostly in the wrong (although Macaque certainly wasn't entirely innocent) in both Canon LMK and in most of the other aus... in Slow Boiled Au it isn't quite like that. They BOTH hurt each other greatly, Macaque for abandoning Wukong when he had needed him most and attacking him, and Wukong for lashing out while he was under the mountain and killing Macaque during the Journey. They both genuinely hurt each other the most out of anyone else, but at the same time, had it not happened that way, then Yubei wouldn't exist. They wouldn't have what they have NOW if they hadn't had the pain of the past. And that's something they need to talk about, especially if Macaque wants to step up as a parent and be there for Wukong's daughter... and to make it up to Wukong for hurting him and abandoning him to his extremely risky pregnancy alone.

In Slow Boiled Au, it's different because the cards are more stacked in Wukong's favor, because after everything that had happened, Wukong has every right to demand Macaque leave his life and never interact with their cub. Because Yubei isn't really Macaque's despite her appearance and them claiming she is, there is no DNA connection. She is Wukong's and Wukong's alone.

But Wukong also cannot deny the pain and suffering he put his mate through as well as how Macaque's actions had led to Yubei's creation.

I can just imagine Wukong and Macaque laying in their bed one night, tired after the day, and Macaque finally getting the courage to ask Wukong that question

"What are we?"

And Wukong... probably won't have an answer. They never absolved their courtship as mates, but it's so much more complicated now with the pain they put each other through and the cub. And now Macaque is pregnant as well, complicating things even more.

Yuuuup

These two have a whole new chapter of their lives to write, and it kinda scares them?

Wukong and Mac post-S3 are cautiously introducing eachother back into their lives. Its a very slow, careful process. Wukong doesn't want to lose contact with Mac forever, abd he wants Mac to be in his cub's life and vice-versa... but Wukong also harbors some resentment for how Macaque was quick to judge not only his pilgrim brothers but also his new found family. He wants Mac to actually *talk* to him about why he was upset by these people and have Mac give them true apologys before they can move forward.

Macaque on the flip-side, is going through the same crisis of parenthood Wukong had many centuries ago, and is struggling with some deep self-hatred over his rash behavior + genuine doubt if Wukong still feels love for him in his heart. He wants to be there for little Yuebei, and be a good mate to Wukong, but he isn't sure *where* to begin.

Macaque and Wukong share a nest. They care for the baby together. They tend to the island and the smaller monkeys. They go into the city to meet friends. They help MK hone his skills. They're happy to do almost everything together... but they need to sit down and talk before they become comfortable calling eachother "mates" again.

Then S4 happens, forcing both monkey parents to navigate eachothers past memories in order to reunite and save their kid(s).

Thanks for the free couples theraphy Azure! >:)

[1moreff-creator]

Happy birthday to Min Jeung, the Ultimate Student!

As you may have noticed by my blog name and pfp, I relate to this girl more than what is probably considered healthy. I wanted to show appreciation by talking about her a bit in a half-baked character analysis, and explaining why I find her so amazing!

-Despite being the Ultimate Student, and by her own admission having dedicated her entire life to her talent, she isn't just a souless studying machine. She still makes time to participate in various school clubs and even has a procrastination problem. She is outright offended when Xander insinuates she must have no friends because of her talent. In this, she just like me fr.

-Despite excelling in academics, she has grown to dislike and resent the education system for the seemingly endless amount of information it forces its students to memorize without actually learning anything of value. In this, she just like me fr. Additionally, this fuels her surprisingly interesting dynamic with Xander, one which I may have to cover in another post. Wouldn't want you getting distracted from my post about the birthday girl with thoughts of the pretty British boy.

-Her studious nature has developed into an unrelenting curiosity for the most random shit you can imagine. One of her favorite pastimes is, after all, browsing W*******a articles. Because of this, her knowledge seems to know no rhyme or reason, as she is both perfectly capable of explaining the entire process of baking a cake down to the molecular level, while also not knowing anything about milk beyond how good it tastes. Yes, this is mostly based on that one joke, but in case you can't tell, there's not much info we have to analyse her character with and I'm also sort of projecting really hard. In this, she just like me fr.

-One of these peculiar curiosities are insects and other critters. She decorates cookies with centipedes, collects insects, and her character profile states she likes tarantulas (not an insect, but you know). I chose to believe this means she is a Ghost & Pals fan, and yes that's me projecting again. I, too, am obssessed with funky little animals, so in this, she just like me fr.

-She dislikes children. Based.

-She is kind and patient and maybe a little gay, helping Unnamed Classmate study for a test they are clearly not ready for. Although she can get exasperated by the other's laizzes faire approach to studying, she still puts up with it for her friend. In this, she just like me fr.

-She suffers from pretty bad impostor syndrome, not considering herself on the same level as other Ultimates because of the way she was accepted in. She seems comfortable hanging out with them, but deep down doesn't believe she deserves it. In this, she... isn't like me fr, thankfully. Dodged that trauma.

-Her impostor syndrome is only exacerbated by the fact she doesn't believe she was the highest scoring of the Ultimate Contest for Eminent Students, just the one that best fit the ideal of "Ultimate Student". She sees that as a badge of shame, as she considers herself neither the smartest nor the most knowledgeable from those who took the test. Especially if her secret is the one about poisoning the competition, as many believe. This highlights the needless competitiveness of the school system, where even the students doing well can sometimes feel insufficient or dissapointed if they are not the absolute top of their class, or they don't perform perfectly at every opportunity. ...she just like me fr-

-She feels uncertain of her future, as being the Ultimate Student does not seem to guarantee any kind of future success, nor does it help her narrow down what she wants to do in the future. This is a great representation of a common fear and worry of top students, who worry having so much of their life be defined by their excellence in academics will mean they won't know what to do with themselves once they stop studying. Well, I say it's common, but maybe it's just Min and I, because in this she just like me fr. I assure you, I am fine.

-She didn't mean to kill Xander. How tragic, for someone whose entire life was defined by the pressure to never make a mistake, to never fail and especially not fail that Contest for Eminent Students, who was promised a bright future if she only gave up her present and her past to a souless system that does not truly care about her; to have that future ripped out from her, just because of one mistake. She only wanted to save Teruko...

-Fukc Danganronap asdkanej I wil why did this happen why she was so great and smart and I loved her and fuak's sake why why why. She's the first killer death that hurt me the most, by far, and her hug with Teruko actually fucking destroyed me aaaaahhhh-

-I love DRDT so much, and thank it for being able to live up to its name and giving me the despair I crave. Although Min's death made me sad, it made me sad in the good way, and I thoroughly enjoyed her character as long as she lasted. She may be the best written first chapter death I've ever seen! :D

Now please let Veronika live past chapter 3-

Anyways, thanks for reading, and happy birthday to Min Jeung! I will go cry now.

Bonus: Here's just a few songs that remind me of her. You may not be able to tell, but I like Vocaloid.

+Abnormality Dancin' Girl by Guchiry

+Lost One's Weeping by Neru

+Aishite by Kikuo

+Entomologists by Ghost & Pals

+Star of the Show by Ghost & Pals

+Pathological Facade by Ghost & Pals

+Appetite of a People-Pleaser by, guess who, Ghost & Pals

+Marionette by KIRA

+Meltdown by iroha(sasaki)

And of course,

+Happy Birthday!

[sukirichi]

Okay! Back on my phone battery died ahahha

Well you can say my resentment for her is big cause as a proud tooru fucker i went ahead and reread the first chapters to find this

This is from chapter 7 what basically summarize why tooru was always cold to her. I remember something more but i might be misremembering due to my hate lmfao but i always saw this as Tooru being forced fo marry someone he didnt love and ultimately have his 'freedom' stolen hence why he resented her so much and honestly made me resent her too ahahahha also the whole obsess theme playing again when he went to her room as kids and she had this huge ass painting of him hanging there...

Bruh i dunno i know im biased but i rereading old chapters and seeing how tooru is all soft to us and hates to be shackled to maiko just makes me want him to be happy 🥺 with us

Oh and also i would never EVER invite iris to my sanctuary like nah ah nope never bitch would sleeo at the beach outside, i would not let her step a foot inside my house after she KNOWINGLY fucked a married man

'but i was here first' he was still married and YOU DIDNT EVEN LOVE HIM

I would maybe feel a bit bad if she loved him like a tiny tiny bad still would hate her for the fact that it doesnt matter if she was there first HE WAS MARRIEDDDDDDD

But knowing she never even loved him 🙂🙃🤡

Also i have the feeling the whole 'lets be friends' bs is because she wants us to ultimately petty her since shes pregnant now like somehow she knows we can destroy her. Or her marriage with omi. I totally dont see her doing that out of the kindness of her heart. OR ACTUALLY she feeling pressure from the queen in some way since the queen wanted us to play friends with iris and well the queen can fuck iris up aswell.

But thank you iris for confirming rin does love us <3

Im just scared the iris kid will fuck rins head up.. And shes also been sickly and shit if this isnt grounds to manipulate rin.. After all she did manipulative him until now in a way.

I wanted to say something else about rin but i kinda forgot since im pissed dhdhahhajsj 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thank you for the update! As usual love your writing and the first part really made me happy.. Made me imagine the trip to the house with rin very vividly 🥺

cackling at little maiko casually having a portrait of tooru in her room 😭 and yep the whole “forced” thing was how he feels towards their marriage. maiko and tooru were actually arranged by the queen to be married, although it isn’t really known or officially stated that it was arranged because they already knew each other since they were kids + it had been maiko’s fleeting thought that like, “oh, your majesty, i like tooru. it’d be wonderful if i could marry him.” just a silly little musing of a teenage girl, but the queen saw it as an opportunity that’d be good for the crown and presented the idea to tooru 😔 and at that time he needed the extra power and stability to be a more well-respected prince, so he went along with the marriage. and yes omg !! i do miss our tooruyn days… unfortunately, i had to scrap away the ideas I had for that because it was quite a popular demand to make him and maiko work out 🫡 I wasn’t opposed to that and I think it’d be great to focus more on omiyn <3 SO SORRY IF THAT WASN’T WHAT YOU LIKED BESTIE IK TOORU IS YOUR NUMBER ONE BUT I HAD TO DO IT FOR THE PLOT 😭🙏🏻

‘but I was here first’ nobody asked iris lmfAOOOO

and yep, iris asking to be friends was not done out of the kindness of her heart at all lol. i don’t even think she has any kindness in her heart… but she’s not doing it at all for rintaro lol. she’s trying to be on yn’s good side because she knows her marriage with omi is falling apart. for the five years they’ve been married, kiyoomi has always been neutral and uncaring – he knows iris is cheating on him, but he doesn’t care 😹 not once has kiyoomi shown that he plans on divorcing her. he just avoids her and acts like she doesn’t exist, and that’s fine enough for iris, as long as they’re married. but now that she’s pregnant with rin’s baby AND kiyoomi is having feelings for yn… yeah, iris is feeling anxious. we’ll see though what she’ll do with her pregnancy!!

and aww thank you so much, I’m so happy you enjoyed the latest update! I HOPE YOU KNOW that I always appreciate you taking the time to read and send in all your thoughts, they make me super happy and warm knowing you’re so supportive. SO THANK YOU BESTIE SENDING YOU LOTS OF LOVEE 💫🌷💕

[giantchasm]

can i hear some of these dark taranza thoughts of yours...(kinda like sharing memories of a deceased loved one bc hal is never bringing him back 💔)

Hehehe. Gladly!

(As a note, almost all of this is regarding a Dark Taranza as I imagine he exists in the actual Kirby universe. I don't have a tons of thoughts on the specific incarnation that appears in the Clashverse, because... well, I don't have a lot of thoughts on Clash period. Although I also imagine a lot of this could also apply to him.)

In my interpretation, Mirror Worlders represent and embody what a person most dislikes about themselves. They're born the minute someone first attains an insecurity, usually sometime in childhood, and live lives that... well, reflect the experiences of their real world counterpart.

Let's use Meta Knight and Dark Meta Knight as an example. Meta Knight, in my personal headcanons, did indeed at one point serve Nightmare, just like is implied in the anime. This is something he harbors deep shame over, feeling as if his origins are that of a monster's. He also knows he's regrettably stubborn, dangerously impulsive, and emotionally distant.

As such, Dark Meta Knight is an extremely emotionally distant and stubborn jerk who’s still in eternal servitude to an irredeemable monster he considers his father (Dark Mind). He still has some positive traits, ostensibly, but overall he is a caricature of how Meta Knight sees his worst self.

So Dark Taranza embodies the traits Taranza most dislikes about himself. What are those?

-His ego. Taranza knows he's prideful and vain. He has a habit of getting overconfident, then having things blow up in his face. Just look at his behavior during Triple Deluxe! He was so... smug throughout all of it, only to have that confidence crushed.

-His envy. Taranza would never let it show on the surface, but he's a deeply jealous person. He wants what other people have and he wants it deeply. When he sees other people attain a happier ending than he did, he'll congratulate them, of course, but he'll also always feel a little resentful, something he, in turn, feels bad about. Why can't he just be happy for people?

-His loyalty and codependence. These don't necessarily seem like entirely bad traits on the surface, but Taranza's devotion can be dangerous. Just look at where his dedication to Sectonia took him. It not only got him hurt, but led to him committing various atrocities, all in the name of a love that wasn't even returned. This is something he now deeply regrets. And yet... if he were given the chance to see and follow someone he loved again, he would in an instant. He's simply needy in that way.

So Dark Taranza is an extremely egotistical, overconfident, and insufferable person, even though he's frankly not that cool. He has a violent jealous streak, and despite how confident he seems on the surface, he's secretly a follower.

After all, he doesn't just represent Taranza's pride and his resentment. He represents his fealty. All of his love and dedication to another.

Dark Taranza lives to serve, and there's just one problem with that.

There's no-one to serve.

There is no Mirror Sectonia in my verse. (Er-- well, technically there was, once upon a time, but she was retconned out of existence in the events that created the corrupted real-world Sectonia we meet in canon. There's no memory of her. She's been erased from history). Dark Taranza is a maniacal right hand man with no leader, and so he's forced to play leader himself, even as just one half of a whole.

Something which, perhaps, suits his ego. But at the same time, he feels empty. He brims with allegiance, but has no-one to dedicate himself to other than himself. This makes him deeply restless and unsatisfied, and in turn, he lashes out.

Needless to say, he does not have a good relationship with the actual Taranza. Taranza sees everything he doesn't want to be in Dark Taranza, and Dark Taranza sees everything he doesn't want to be in his original. Taranza is weak... emotional, sad, lost and lonely. Dark Taranza feels he's better than him because he is not experiencing the same emotional turmoil Taranza is. He openly makes fun of him for it and says he's much better off having always been alone.

...But deep down, he's jealous. He cannot escape the jealousy that is inherent to his being. Even despite feeling he's better than Taranza, he sometimes secretly wishes he had what he had... was also able to experience what he lost. Not that he'd ever admit it.

TLDR: Dude who's pretty much intrinsically a mook is forced to play head honcho, both to his pleasure and dissatisfaction. All the while the age old question is asked as he contrasts with his real world counterpart:

Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all? Better to care, but then be hurt and discarded, or better to be lonely and safe? As long as he never trusts anyone, he'll never get backstabbed, but he'll also never experience genuine connection. And he secretly craves that more than anything.

He and Taranza are kind of like this song from City of Angels to me

You're in my plot, I'm still your creator I call each shot, I'm your private dic-tator You are so thick, you eat, breathe, sleep fiction I'm your meal ticket, knew-deep in cheap fiction You gloating ignoramus You haven't any shame Hey, I'm a famous shamus And most people don't know your name You're nothing without me Without me you'd just disappear Right into thin air And no one would care Or notice you ever were here A puppet, an upstart A loser who's destined to fall I'm everything you always wanted to be Let's deal with the issue, you wish you were me You're nothing without me Without me, you're nothing at all

Do you see my vision?

[themotherofhorses]

Hi ! I have so many questions about your Aemond (I like him a lot).

We know he's a scholar, and probably a nerd, do you think he was a secret romantic when he was younger ? As in, reading love stories, dreaming of being a knight in shining armor for his love ? Maybe because he had some naive vision of love, but also maybe because he desperately needed to believe that someone out there would love him for who he is ? That, by being "just" Aemond, he would be worthy of love ?

Is Handmaid his first love ? Or did he fall in love before ? And, if yes, with who ?

Did his parents marriage influence his visions of relationship ? Like, because he saw how sad his mother was, or how his father didn't care for her, maybe he resented the idea of love or/and marriage and swear to himself he would never fall for any of the romance thing ? (I know it's quite the opposite from 1, but I think one can dream of love while being heartbroken knowing/thinking it's just an illusion)

Is your Aemond on the Ace spectrum (demisexual perhaps) ? Was handmaid the first(or one of the rare women) who made him crave physical intimacy because he felt emotionally connected/safe with her ?

What are the names of the children ?

I think that is all. Thank you so much for your writing, I can't wait to read the rest of the story ^^

Have a nice day !

Hello my love <333 I love my Aemond a lot too, he's just an absolute joy to write and talk about.

Perhaps Aemond turned to sappy and lovesick fairytales to cope with his environment and the constant teasing/bullying he endured. Obviously, the loss of his eye changes that, as he feels too scarred and ugly for any highborn lady's love and affection. But I think a piece deep down inside him still yearns for pure and true love. A boyish innocence that hangs on like a lil parasite.

Handmaid is his first love, yes! His first and only love because Aemond is a loyal and devoted mf.

I feel that both his parents' and siblings’ marriages heavily influenced his own perspective on relationships and love and his own future wedding, but not in the sense that he dreads falling in love. Aemond is no fool; he knows little to no love is shared between his parents. It is completely obvious. But in the SFW headcanons I posted last week, I also discussed how memories of Helaena’s first pregnancy are an encouragement to be a good and involved father to his and handmaid’s children. Aemond uses his father and Aegon as a “what not to do” to his handmaid.

As a demisexual myself, I wholeheartedly believe that Aemond is demi too. Like absolutely NO doubt about it. I imagine his exposure to sexual abuse on his thirteenth birthday is the key reason he no longer feels any sexual attraction (or craves intimacy) unless there is a strong bond filled with love, comfort, and security. And handmaid gives him AALLLLL that. She eventually becomes his anchor, happiness, and safe space- his best friend and confidant. They’re not just lovers. Her soft touches and kind words touch him like nothing ever has before. Sappy, sure, but Aemond deserves it.

(I picture him during the first few months of her as his handmaid, he just stares at her. Absolutely taken, falling head over heels in love. When she fixes his beloved eyepatch, it’s a sign to Aemond that, “Yup, she’s the one.”)

What are the children’s names? Honestly, I don’t know! I haven’t gotten around to naming them, although a sweet anon sent me possible baby names (Helaenys, Alyce, and Alyssa, which I totally love), but I’m always open to more suggestions from y’all! I mentioned that Aemond wishes to name his daughter after handmaid’s mother, Alys, so their baby girl’s name might be either Alyssa or Alysanne.

I'm so so so so happy you're enjoying the series! I totally fell in love with this pairing so I'm excited to write more parts this week. If y'all have any further ideas, questions, or suggestions for drabbles/one-shots about the two, send them! I enjoy receiving different things regarding our handmaid ☺️

[dontbotherwiththepronunciation]

Are there other Theon ships you like?

EDIT: I am sorry for this lateness anon. I thought I had posted this back in September (around the time I was getting survey related asks) shortly after it was sent but I just found it on the queue while searching for something else. Sorry. It was very sweet of you to ask so I feel abad about not realising I didn't post it any sooner.

I have weird feelings regarding ships in this fandom so most of the time with "ship" I just mean "I want to see them interact in emotionally intense situations of conflict, affection and resentment" but here are the ones I could think of in which some sort of romance/attraction/affection is part of my preferred dynamic.

Theon/Jeyne (already explained it here. Basically it's just that I am really into circumstantial affection, codependency and the themes of accountability for past misdeeds and irredeemability vs redemption. I like it at best when it's not outright shippy but ambiguous and open to interpretation. I always recommend Girl On Ice (and I won't stop now) but also I honestly feel that Little Brother, although the focus is truly on Asha and her anxiety over her entire situation in the end of ADWD, has probably my favourite post-adwd dynamic for them and it's even more ambiguous in a very tongue-in-cheek manner that I appreciate.)

Jon/Theon (Similar feelings about circumstantial affection but without the same themes. Like the idea of the two unwelcomed somewhat unwilling members of Winterfell being some of the last remainings of it. Also prefer it as something ambiguous and open to interpretation but with slightly more antagonistic feelings between the two. I like Jon but he'll be ultimately relieved to know Theon actually just killed the Miller's boys and that is not necessarily a good thing for me (although I understand and won't blame him for that possible reaction). I admit to being picky because I disagree with some popular takes about Theon having bullied Jon or them hating each other and I also am very strongly against Stark romanticism which often appears in fics focused on them.)

Theon/Barbrey (Everyone thinks I said this as a joke but I actually mean it. Their conversation during the Turncloak chapter made me cry like a child when I first read it and I haven't been the same person ever since. It completely rewired the way I perceive things. I like relationships that grow not out of love but hatred and feelings of mutual hurt originating from similar issues. I like the idea that she might at some point be the one to fully take the Stark goggles off him. Also prefer it as ambiguous rather than straight up romantic. This is one of my favourite fics ever and it sometimes makes me cry. Canon divergent ADWD where she takes him away from Ramsay and Roose (also "Arya" gets saved anyway, don't worry))

Theon/Kyra (Prefer it as horror from Kyra's side but mixed with the possible former feelings of teenage love they might have had. They seemed emotionally close and I can imagine she might have felt more for him than he ever did for her. That's interesting for me given what happens later on during ACOK and that she still tries to save him from the Dreadfort. I like the idea that when he kissed her on the other side of the river she could only feel fear and indignation)

Theon/Patrek (one of the more wholesome ones here and to be honest it only started really interesting me once Patrek was used as a leverage against his father and they literally tied a noose around his neck. I like it a lot more than I express. I like to think that the anger Patrek might have felt towards Theon at that point was somewhat mitigated or that it will be mitigated now that he has been on a similar position. Preferred daydreams involve small one-night reunions when Theon finally gets to go to the Islands and has to stop at Seaguard where Patrek is. Strange type of meetings between people who were very happy and close during a brief time that was violently and abruptly cut get to reminiscence about a past they feel conflicted about. I like to think their relationship would be re-contextualised given Patrek has been used against his father now).

Theon/Baelor (Absolutely no canon foundation which is weird given I am who I am but I have such a desire for a gap filler where the two get to interact during Theon's time in ACOK and Theon is able to see this somewhat well-adjusted version of himself that has even turned into a figure of influence and just feels completely irritated and hateful by the situation.)

Theon/Falia (Been ruminating on this for a long time now and she could embody aspects of the Kyra to his Theon and he the Euron to her Falia so yes enjoy it a lot. Although I've only seen it written once and it was in a post-ados ambiguously hopeful fic. Really liked it. It was very sweet. However on a long term not I'd really like her becoming a strange type of second chance for what he had with Kyra and him a second chance for what she had with Euron. Horny on main ironborn comes to take the castle of the feudal lord whose lands you live in and takes you, a lowborn woman who seems rather willing, to live there for a while and sleep in the bed of said feudal lord. Things change suddenly and you find yourself physically and sexually abused by someone you trusted.)

Sexual relationships I do not ship but read anyway because of interesting dynamics

Theon/Ramsay (It has to be fully non-consensual, full horror and as canon-compliant as possible. If I see Theon referring to him as "master" I am out. Also I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that erotically written stuff triggers me so it's difficult. Implicit rape/non-con mixed with the horrors of depersonalisation and contradicting feelings about whether he deserves any of what happened to him or not are very welcomed though!)

Theon/Cersei (Talked about it here. People take it as comedic and I see why and it makes me laugh but it only caught my attention once I started thinking more seriously about it and I weirdly enough I can somewhat enjoy it as long as the characterisation isn't purely hedonistic-cringe-fail-milf-hunter. Something I think could be interesting is if the marriage were to take place after Theon had spent a significative amount of time at the Dreadfort but hadn't gone through a drastic change in appearance and thus was not visibly weakened and hurt. Anyway, go read Broken Cage! The Cersei POV voice is perfect.)

Open but not fully into it

Theon/Tris (theoretically I think I'd like it and it fits into themes I enjoy. Both of them at some point pursue(d) Asha due to misreading who she really is and are questioned in regards to whether they truly fit to Ironborn culture (they do!) by the same woman who looks down on them a little. So yeah could be cool! but until now what I've perceived of it is basically "Theon gets a wholesome boyfriend who is kind of wholesome in canon too and isn't romanticised by fandom so he doesn't fell ooc!" and that's very nice and makes me happy for him but it's not very interesting to me.)

Theon/Jory (There was this really good fanfic back in 2017 Russian fanfic website and it has sadly been lost to humanity but it was good.)

Theon/Brienne (Irl friend proposed it as a joke but pre-ramsay he fits her type as snarky, fashionable, mockish young man and it could be interesting because he would be a tremendous asshole and would probably emotionally scar her. That's all I have to say.)

Theon/Meera (Quite surprised at how no one has developed anything complex based on his not very-pure-thoughts back in ACOK and their connection to Bran. Could be interesting.)

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream! How was your time away? I hope you’re doing better now and life is treating you kindly.

I wanted to have a good update for when you got back, I kinda do lol. I used to have celebrity crushes. They would be my sp (it was always kpop idols). However, I am black. Despite every kpop idol I “wanted” having said or did something offensive to my race.. I still wanted them. That bothered me. I the law says we can manifest anything, but I had to realize how f*cked up that truly is. 😭 Imagine having a sp that is potentially racist, but you still want them? I had to ask myself, how desperate can you be? What is wrong? (not in a condescending way, but truly) I recognized that it came from an insecure place. Placing everyone and everything on a pedestal, when it should be me there for my life. I don’t know these people, but I do know what they have shown me on camera and it hasn’t been good. The person I dream of being wouldn’t want this. She would live and know that she could have the most perfect person for her. For some reason, it was a hard concept to grasp. I was so stuck on having a kpop sp. I guess I viewed them as perfect (EVEN THO I COULD CLEARLY SEE THEY WERE NOT) and if I could have them, then I must be on their level. Whew. Thankfully, I have come to my senses lmao.

I saw the Barbie movie last week. I do not regret it. I wanted to have fun for once. Everything was okay until I took pictures. Let me tell you, I had the worst breakdown ever. I’m still currently having it. So I took pictures that day and I fell apart. My appearance has always been a struggle to like within. However, it made me feel much worse this day. So much worse that I have not looked at myself on camera since then. I do not look at my reflection anymore. I have been too scared to see myself because I know I will be reminded of how it hurts to even look at myself. I used to check myself whenever I could to see if I finally manifested, but now I can’t handle doing it. I have always been uncomfortable with my appearance (I didn’t even go out because of it). I know we can’t force what we truly feel away, but because of that, I am not sure how to get out of this. I try to live but a part of me truly feels that I deserve to be nowhere or do anything I like because I am not worth anything. I should be embarrassed of myself. I remember my mother playing a video of me yesterday and I wanted to cry because I had to hear my voice………See how bad it is? 😭 I feel lost because I am allowing what I truly feel and think to come forward, but it’s not easy. I don’t know what to do with it all.

One of my parents has also been a problem in my past and now (due to my mind). I still carry resentment from the way they were in the past. I understand it, but I don’t want to deal with it anymore tho. They are better now, and sometimes I am able to let it go but then I think about how much stress they caused but I really just want to let go. When I tried to get an apology, no one listened tbh. I do not care about that, I just want to be released. I am not sure how to release myself from the anger and resentment. I do not need an apology but I do need to free myself. I realize that I can forgive and let go without an apology. I don’t know how to get to that point.

Despite circumstances, the Barbie movie made everything better. I stepped out of my comfort zone, I got a Barbie outfit and I went out. I know my entire message has been such a rollercoaster. It was a little up and then it went down. 😂 I was still happy that I tried. I love the movie.

Its nice that you are back tho, dream. Have you watched Barbie or are there any movies you have watched/will watch? I want to go to the movies again, just for the snacks LMAO.

-😵‍💫 anon

hiiii <3 i'm so happy to hear from you !! 🥹

my time away was... really, really lovely. although it wasn't such a long time away, so much changed and materialized in my life. it was such a reminder how... natural this all is. how the things we want most, that align with our heart, really aren't anything we have to strive for. it's so weird to think, to the ego that,,, we have to do nothing. but my time away was just a really strong reminder of that, as i experienced it all happening so effortlessly. now, i'm just remembering how it's safe to believe in the best outcomes for myself, to sit with everything through the practice of indifference. 🫧

first of all, love how that all came full circle for you !! like seriously, i love how you were able to realize what you truly wanted vs what the ego thought would fulfill some idea of lack within you. thats the thing. our true wants, our true desires, don't ask anything of us other than to just be. to embrace ourselves and who we are, we dont have to bend or anything for them. it's actually really lovely, and i'm glad you realize that for yourself now.

awwwe i wanna see the barbie movie but tbhhhhhh ive been really busy and when im not busy i just wanna lay around hehe :3 its just that kinda end of summer for me rn ! i'm really glad you go to go and dress up and enjoyed it !! i'm really sorry how it ended though. you remind me a lot of myself though, many years ago now. but i lived like you for most of my life. i remember i wouldnt dare look in mirrors, and theres many years of my life where i have no photos to show for it because i absolutely refused to let myself be on camera. sadly, i hated myself to the core and i thought i was so disgusting and terrible. so actually, i understand your pain in that way. but for me... my advice is that kind that might not help you because it's extremely straightforward. the truth is that... i just realized one day, when i began my self love journey (before i even knew the law or anything), that there's really no point in hating my looks bc like. literally. what does it do ? actually nothing. so overnight i decided to think i'm pretty because it literally costs nothing and it literally does no harm... while hating myself actually did a lot of harm. now, i accepted i'm pretty to myself but when i came back into the world (this all happened around covid time) i realized i still think others can think i'm ugly, so i wasn't fully comfortable but... slowly, i just allowed myself to build my confidence. the more i looked in the mirror and hyped myself up, liked what i saw... the more i stopped being afraid to be seen. and it's not always perfect but... you just have to remember it's a daily practice. there's ebbs and flows to life, and safe to be wherever you are.

anyway, thanks so much for your update !! honestly, that's how it is sometimes !! despite everything, i can't say everything these days has been totally easy for me. i can see how my life is beautiful, but the anxiety within me doesn't really care these days. but that's just part of it. and literally, yes. i love movie theatre snacks sooooooo much. thats 75% of the reason i love going hahahah

take care !! xo <3

[gidle]

With every new Idle comeback I keep imagining what Soojin's part would be, how she would definitely KILL IT in Nxde and Tomboy, how she'd rap in My bag, and what role she'd have in Allergy... I miss her so much, man, it's still so painful 😕

anon honestly? i get you to such a level im not even sure i'll be able to put to words

anyone who's been on this blog for long enough knows that i'd joke about this being a sj blog bc she was all i would gif. and that i bolted when she left. i was hanging by a thread up until then because i really hoped and i really believed things would be okay. i simply could not stand to be here without her. i couldnt bear to see posts of her on my notifs. im still learning how to write down her name again. i cant seem to call her if she wont answer. its always sj or jinjin if i need to talk about it.

tomboy was such a weird thing for me. i wasnt excited about it. i wasnt even excited about them being back in korea after the hiatus. but it felt like something i had to brave through, because i still loved the rest of them, and i wanted them to succeed. it felt so bitter and nothing sweet though, that it took them to lose a piece before proper recognition arrived. i'll tip my hat to jeon soyeon though, she wrote tomboy as a 5 member song. i remember when windy came out and there's a song, weather if im not mistaken, that was said to have been a group song but didnt make to any of their previous albums. you listen to it and you can almost hear where every member would have sang. tomboy didnt have that. if tomboy was written for 6idle, it would have been arranged into a completely different song. im so sure of it.

so i kept up with tomboy privately. and i kept dreaming about what verses soyeon would write for her in my bag. and although nxde healed smth in me (shuhua and that damn blond hair tipped the scales to a degree im still learning to make sense of), i get exactly what you're talking about. she was their main slayer, and as such would have killed and owned every concept. i feel so robbed every comeback i could shake with it. what happened to her changed every way i could have ever interacted with kpop. i resent knetz for turning on her. i resent the industry and the culture that makes the rest of the group not be able to mention her. i resent every new idol rumour, true or false. i resent if they bring up her name and i resent it more if she is forgotten. i resent the groups that lose members to scandals and i resent the ones that stick together despite of it. everything is cursed and rotten.

it's been almost two years and i still catch myself bargaining with the universe. so the contract ends and they dont get back together as six. so the contract ends and soyeon doesnt create her own company to launch sj's solo career. so she never steps foot on stage again. so the contract ends and shuhua doesnt post thirty consecutive pictures of them together for the last years. what crumbs will make me happy that dont already feel like wishing on the impossible. what favors can i trade with the universe for something to happen. it's been so long and i still miss her so terribly. i hope she is happy but i also wish i could see it. that we could her from her. that she could hear from us.

my heart is forever missing a piece, my favorite number will always be six, etc

[klinefelterrible]

When I was a boy I had two favourite Disney movies on VHS and they were Robin Hood and the Beauty and the Beast. My mom used to call me a beast because she thought it would be nice to somehow make it relatable to me, I know parents do that all the time. I had a cousin who loved Barney Rubble so much he managed to wear that one T-shirt all the time and if his parents wanted him to wear literally anything else, he cried so hard he ripped his hair out. But anyway, my two favourite movies back then were this:

And this:

And even though I knew it was proper for me to be more like those guys (I had "Jungle book" too)

I couldn't help but feel that on the very inside I am (although back then there was no concept of transgender or gender and I was a very rational person and smart and I didn't like nonsense and saw through lies instantly), I should be and want to be more like them:

I mean fucking seriously how can one show a sensitive male child this story and expect him to fucking put themself into a fucking frame of Beast Who Was A Shit Person And Needed A Redemption when all he was feeling like A Young Cute Weirdo Who Liked To Read And Was Somehow Detained By This Asshole Monster Forever

And to this day I have this feeling like what the fuck why and for what were you fucking making me be this tough person when at the same time not fucking noticing I was hiding inside this fucking shell of big smoking drinking cursing distrusting person

I feel resentment for my childhood because of so many reasons I can't even start talking about it, everyone wanted to shape me into their fucking imagination that didn't fit me at all and sometimes all I want is to live in some Neverland where there are no bad people who fucking judge you and tell you how you should live your life without actually helping to actually subordinate. Like it was them only telling me what should I be and not how should I do this in order to fucking make them happy and those expectations were so surreal I can't believe it actually happened and I didn't go mad.

Anyway now I'm 36, I have a collection of high heels I never could buy because I was always somehow controlled by if not my mum with whom I live in a flat then by the cleaning lady my mother hired for "taking care" of me but it wasn't care, more like low profile control over me, she went through all my wardrobe and my shit, cleaning everything and changing places of my stuff so even though I had money I had no place to just be alone and store my heels and I knew the cleaning lady was talking about people with other people because she told me about others and how should I get any privacy in a flat where everyone fucking hears everything and my mom fucking entered my room anytime she wanted anf if I went on a short two step walk in my room, she'd hear it or the neighbours would and those people were nasty as fuck and all of them drunks so I didn't want any trouble or gossip, also my mom was a abstinent and since she recovered from drinking she had absolutely no idea how to take care of herself, her teeth were ruined for the better part of my life so she practically never smiled, her clothes were so off fashion it was fucking sad to see her on an official party or any type of family gathering and boy her shoes were a fucking disgrace. I never had a proper female model to look up to with my inner woman so I became a slob like she was and I don't blame her for being a workaholic as her mother was exactly the same. But there was I, with these things I'd like to do or be but everyone was looking at me, everyone watched me like a hawk (my family was and still sort of is sort of famous in my hometown) so I didn't feel safe to he myself for the bigger part of my life as it was never comfortable for me to just be me, and I have this feeling like since I have this dissonance of self, the one where I do look and feel like a man —a manly sort of man, tall with a beard, with all these erections and shit, especially after I was diagnosed with Klinefelter's and on testosterone injections therapy, basically making me this beast of a man now— and a girl —that was never able to be herself in fully, always hiding, always somehow bullied into being an inner part, always put into a box and into a box and a box inside a box, unable to become anything serious (because how exactly? when you're 1.90m and weight over 100kg you're not going to be a cute 1.60/50 girl, not now not ever) — and a third person, like a compromise between a man and a woman, a man with a woman inside, refusing to be a woman because of not willing to be a trans weirdo (as I saw myself in correlation back then and still sort of imagine myself like on and can't help it) with people suddenly made all these questions like why how and saying shit like you never were a girl or we never knew that shit and I just want to be spared of it, so I am now this testosterone dripping, horny all the time big guy who only wishes these things from my head to be over, I mean all those BE THIS and DO THAT and THAT GUY LIKES WHIPS HE'S CRAZY HIS STEPFATHER SAID HE'LL KICK HIM OUT and FAGGOTS ARE TO DIE and stuff like that and people still sort of are this way, not much because I live on my own now with my wife and that but all this shit still haunts me as i can't just stop remembering it and feeling that way and when people say "MAN UP" I ask myself how am I supposed to man up if I don't have any men to look up to, what am I supposed to do when I have no way to learn anything from those men i do know because they don't and won't have time for me plus I was in my hormones buzzing moment so all I wanted from anyone who wasn't related to me was a possible fuck so if there was a willing third party I would probably destroy every relationship between us with my drunken dicksucking advances or whatever.

So I didn't man up and didn't find a proper way of life because I was expected to go to the university and all I ever knew was some english and history and felt no interest in anything else and when I wanted to go to vocational school, they would fucking eat me alive: both my family, mother, grandmother (who hated each other in that particular passive-aggressive way and still do) and all those mean kids from vocational schools as there was a saying back then that if you want your kid to dig ditches, send him to vocational school, where people start a day with fighting, drugs and fucking 'you name it from some hell depiction'-thing. So I went to high school as expected, and then to university, as expected too. Of course my mom and grandma expected me to go to some other school, but I didn't want to so I didn't. They were disappointed. Then I chose the university they wouldn't choose for me and the major that also asked a lot of questions but I was somehow free and ready to become an alcoholic (whom I didn't because as I said before, I was a rational kid) but I felt their breath on my neck. BE THIS, DO THAT, YOUR COUSIN IS IN THE CAPITAL AND IS THE BEST, AS HE ALWAYS WAS, THAT DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHER'S SECOND WIFE IS IN A COLLEGE LEARNING ENGLISH AND WENT TO AUSTRALIA WITH HER UNCLES AND WHAT ARE YOU NOW WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

So I live my life not meeting expectations as they were too high for me, I couldn't focus really and they didn't actually force me because I think they didn't care or feel like actually making me do stuff but they talked and talked and made me angry inside so much I still am angry at myself for not being as good as I could be and that makes me sad because I could have been relatively happy, living on my own, working somewhere and doing something if only my grandpas didn't die so early or there was a way for me to be not noticeable or recognizable everywhere and why the fuck all of this had to happen I am sick of it, of my life how it went and yeah there were nice moments but all of them were in this tar-like grief, this greyness of people's looking at me and fucking telling me how my father was like and what my mom a superstar she is and it all told me that I am nothing and I lived in a pause like I felt they're watching me every step i took and since my family had some money people were taking advantage of me and I understand the Jungle Law and the hate towards the rich from those poorer or not advantageous ones, especially on a big block of flat neighbourhood, yeah, so it was not a good place for me to develop my inner woman and making her my outer person because I would probably end badly with my throat cut or raped or whatever. And yeah it was always a fear of mine that I would be robbed or beaten or fucking threw into basement and shit on by some nasty people and all I ever felt was the fear of what would my mother do and will she fucking go back to drinking again and how will she always fucking never ever leave me alone, always being somewhere near I WOULD RATHER FUCKING DIE AND I MEAN IT

but yes, this is my rant and yes sometimes I just wish it all to be over all of the sudden, a meteorite bullseye's me in the head, 1/10000000000 situation and what you can do. My wife would end up with all my stuff, my money and my mess but she'd be alright, so would be my mom hopefully but you never know about her, but anyway not many people would remember me a year or two later. So fuck them.

I remember there were times that all I wanted to do was mention my mom's need to go to the dentist and she stopped talking to me for days. My grandma used to call me twice a day, relentlessly, neverending talks about people being satisfied with their life and successful and me hearing this everyday, plus of course HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE CHURCH and all that and... I don't feel like writing it anymore today

It needs to be mentioned that I hate myself almost everyday but rarely the current day, I mostly regret being alive the day before or some other day from my past and I really do hate me from the past, including me from last week or month.