#I also officially start orientation on monday and oh my GOD things are happening

[kurokoros]

chewing glass send asks send asks send asks

[thevoiceiskillingme]

Time for people

Wow, it's been a few days. Time flies so fast. It's funny, right? Every day feels agonizingly long and dreadful, but then suddenly it's been almost 5 months. In about 7 months I'll be 25, whaaat! This is going to be a long post, so I'll put this on here to avoid spamming.

Anyway, I've been having some urgent sessions with my psychologist, which have helped. I also saw my doctor last Thursday, which I've been waiting for, for like 2 months. She couldn't do much though, which I guess I already knew. I have to wait until I've taken the MRI, which is tomorrow. I've waited over 2 months for that as well. Thankfully my doctor wants to see me again in a week, so it feels like she takes me seriously. She had me take an EKG as well, which showed that my heart is perfectly fine - and that was exactly what I needed. I've barely (if at all) had issues with panic since then. Which, oh my god, is such a relief. I still feel myself being unable to go anywhere without my pill box of benzos. But right now I don't mind. I've always thought of them as a comfort, you know? I don't take them just to take them (sometimes I do, but rarely), I rather have them as an emergency solution if my situation gets unbearable.

This weekend we've been extremely busy. We packed half our stuff (stress) and drove to my hometown (where we're moving), and got the keys to our new house. Which I'd been dreading a little, as I get anxious and stressed easily and imagined it involving a lot of talking and practical stuff. But it went rather quickly! We just had a look around to check that they'd cleaned well, and so on. The seller also gave us gifts, which was really nice. THEN the rest of the day was rather eventful.

My family brought a lot of our new furniture (which we'd stored at theirs) and oh my god, my family is so great and extremely helpful. While getting things into the house and organizing, our next-door neighbour came around the corner with her 15-month old son. We talked a little, and she was really nice. She did, however, ask about my occupation regarding work etc. I answered vaguely, but said that I wasn't working right now. I don't have a problem telling people I'm on disability, I just casually focus more on the fact that I have prolapse in my lower back, instead of the fact that I have a severe psychiatric diagnosis. We'll talk more in the future.

My dad and I drove and picked up the big furniture, and I was a little stressed about it, but it went really well. The rest of the day we just put together furniture and it took a long time. I took a few breaks here and there, but it didn't drain me like it did when we moved last time (mostly because of the fact that I was on antipsychotics at the time). The neighbour across from us from our terrace knocked and said hi, which was very nice! I have been a little anxious about it afterwards though, because I fear that I might have appeared rude and/or not welcoming, but my partner assured me I was fine. We went home at around 9.30 pm I think, after starting the whole ordeal at about 4 pm. However, right when we were about to leave the house, the neighbours across the street said hi. They're a couple our age, and I sorta know her from before; mutual friends. They were super nice, and I have a feeling we'll be good friends. They also have such a cute dog.

I took sleeping pills (not addictive at all), and one benzo before bed, and slept well. The next day we started early, but that day my brother (who was super helpful) had to work. We got so much done, so much more than I expected! We also went to stores and bought some more detail-oriented stuff, and practical stuff. Curtains, towels etc. Oh, and the coolest book-shelf ever. We also bought all the tecnhical stuff; fridge, washer, dryer, which will arrive on Monday (thanks for picking it up, mom!) While my partner and I sat outside and put up our outdoor furniture, our next-door neighbours came around. The little boy was so very fascinated with the screws and building, and slowly came closer and closer. It's nice that he feels safe around us. He did not want to go back home at all. It was so very cute.

We finished most of the living room, bathroom, bedroom (it's amazing), terrace, kitchen etc. My partner and I stayed a little longer and packed out and organized some of the stuff we brought from our current apartment, but we were exhausted and didn't do all of it. We went back to my parents' earlier that day, and just had a nice dinner and relaxing evening with talking and TV. We also bought a few nice things for them (and my brother) to thank them for all the help. I took the same cocktail, and slept well.

On Sunday we just chilled, looked at lamps and stuff online. We drove back to our apartment at around 2 pm. Did just about nothing productive the rest of the day. I only took the non-addictive sleeping pills before bed, but slept really well. I was also barely dizzy last night (and the weekend in general), which felt amazing. Maybe my psychologist is right, and it's caused because of stress? I really fucking hope so. The next few days we're just packing up, having some of my family picking up the big furniture from here, and then we're moving. Apart from a few appointments tomorrow and Thursday, I have a lot of time for packing.

I dreaded the thought of being awfully stressed and the whole shabang, but I feel eerily calm. I'm also so fucking excited to actually move in properly. Not everything is ready, but we have all we need to live there. It's just a few things we need to get in order, but there's no rush. The only thing I'm afraid of, is that the neighbours won't like me, but hey - I'll just do my best and be myself, and we'll take it from there. I'm definitely gonna be approachable, because that is actually the way I am. I love our neighbours, and I'm 100% sure this is a great thing.

I don't know if I've written about it here, but I go to treatment at a specialized place for people with severe diagnoses (schizophrenia, bipolar etc), and I will continue to go there. Which means travelling back and forth every two weeks (about 3 hours travel time both ways), but it's worth it.

I can't begin to describe how excited I am to begin this new chapter. We officially move in on Friday, and I hope the days fly by fast. I hope to make some good friends (which I really think will happen), and just... relax, I guess. I feel safe and calm there.

Anyway, this has been a super long post. If you've read everything - you deserve a golden star! I need to go pack a little now, but I'll be back soon enough.

[hoebaring]

Diamond Heart (5) | Park Jimin

Su-Jin POV

“Sujin-ah!”

“Coming!” 

Another hectic day in the shoot. Nothing much to say about it.

“Yes eunnie, what do you need?”

“I don’t need anything dear, I was wondering if you wanted to go for lunch together.” Areum eunnie said, with the most charming smile on her face.

“Yeah sure eunnie. Are you sure our work here is done?”

“Yeah, it’s done. I don’t think they would need us for small touch ups. And even if they do, I don't care, I’m hungry.”

“Ok eunnie, let’s go.” I said, whilst giggling.

That was Areum eunnie. She’s professional when it comes to work, but she always puts herself before anything. A trait I’ve always wanted to have, yet couldn’t bring myself to it.

“Hello, Su-Jin to earth.” Areum eunnie said, waving her hand in front of me.

“Y-Yeah eunnie?”

“We’re at the canteen. Don’t you want food?” 

“Ahh yes, sorry eunnie, I kinda spaced out.”

“Looks like you have a lot on your mind.” She asked me, as we made our way to a table, with our food and water bottles.

“Well, yes, you could say so.”

“What happened?” 

“I got an off-one second eunnie, my phone’s ringing.”

“Okay, go ahead.” She said, urging me to answer the call.

I got up from my seat and walked a few steps away from the cafeteria. Taking out my phone, I looked at the number. Seeing that it was an unknown number, I answered the call with hesitation.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“This is BigHit Entertainment’s receptionist, Choi Min-Ji. I would prefer for you to save this number since you might be getting frequent calls from now on. And might as well, remember me too.” I heard the person on the other end let out a small chuckle at the end. I instantly understood what she might be hinting about.

“Oh yes, have you received my mail Ms. Choi?” 

“Yes, I have. Mr. Bang has ordered me to inform you that your mail has been accepted, and you start this Monday.”

‘Oh wait, this quick? Today is Thursday; I would have to hand in my resignation here as well, right? I need time.’

“Yes, but, would it be alright if I have a week’s time? I have to tie up loose ends here, at my current job.”

“I’m sorry, however, I don’t think that would be possible. I would prefer for you to solve your matter on the weekend, since this post needs to be urgently filled.”

‘Oh shit, how am I supposed to do that?’

“Oh and also, tomorrow, you would be having an orientation of the building, an overview of what your place requires, and things like that.”

‘Since I won’t be there tomorrow, I would have to resign today? Shit, I hope Areum eunnie helps me with this.’

“Uhh okay, sure…what time should I be there tomorrow?”

“Would 11 in the morning be alright for you?”

“Sure, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you so much for your immediate answer. Would you like me to send you the address of the HYBE Building?”

“Yes, that would be great. Thank you so much!”

“Thank you, have a great day!”

“You too!”

I hung up and stood there for a few seconds, to process everything that Ms. Choi had just said. In four days, I have to join a new company, in which I didn’t know anyone. I also had to resign from my current job, today. 

‘God, I seriously hope Areum eunnie helps me with this.’

I turned around to walk towards our table, and saw her halfway done with her lunch. I started brainstorming ideas on how to move forward with this conversation. Since I am her assistant, it would be easier for me to resign, if she approves and takes it to the higher officials quickly. I decided it would be easier to bring up this topic immediately, so she understands the importance of this matter.

“Eunnie, I have to tell you something.”

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

“Ok wait, so you’re telling me that you need to resign within two days’ time and you are going to be absent tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re also telling me, you got an offer from “the” HYBE Corporation?”

“Well, they said BigHit, but I’m guessing it’s the same.”

“There is a small difference between them; HYBE Corporation is the main company that acquired several small companies, but it originated from BigHit Entertainment.”

“I will pretend like I understood that.” I said, slowly nodding. 

“But eunnie, what do you think about it? I have to join in four days, I’m started to think it’s a bad id-”

“Are you stupid? Are you actually stupid? Just because you have to join quickly, doesn’t mean the offer is bad. If they’re asking you to start immediately, it’s probably because it’s urgent for them. They’re giving you more importance, which is very rare to find among companies, especially for careers like ours. You have to give them equal importance, and pay heed to what they ask you to do.”

“Oh wow, okay. Well, yes, I’ll do that. But eunnie, how will I be able to resign, with such short notice?”

“Are you seriously worried about that now? I’ll take care of it for you, don’t worry. Focus on making a good impression tomorrow, at the orientation. After all, it’s your first time working as a professional.”

“Really? Thank you so much, I owe you a lot eunnie.”

“It’s nothing, just prepare your resignation letter by today evening. I’ll submit and make sure it gets processed quickly. Will it be okay if you receive it by Sunday?”

“It would be perfect, thank you so much eunnie.”

“Yah, stop thanking me and make sure this opportunity brings out the best in you, Su-Jin.”

“Sure eunnie, I’ll make sure I do that.”

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

“Eunnie, I drafted the resignation letter. Can you revise it once?”

“Uhh, one sec, Sujin-ah. I’m in the middle of something. Can you take over this? I’ll go through your mail.”

“Yeah sure eunnie. Hand me that brush.” I said, as I took the brush from her hand.

It was 5:15 in the evening and the last shoot of the day was taking place in fifteen minutes. Since we were close to packing up, there were only three people who had to get their makeup done. For this reason, Areum eunnie asked me to finish writing the resignation letter, so she could hand it to her officials by the end of the day. 

“I’ve heard you won’t be working here anymore.” The lady I had to finish the makeup for, asked. 

“Umm…yes, how did you know?” I wondered out loud, worried about how the news traveled this fast.

“Relax, Areum-ssi was just talking about it. Any specific reason you are resigning?”

“Ohh, umm…nothing much. I just got an offer as a professional in a bigger company and I decided to take it.”

“Oh, congratulations. Hope you do great in your new job!”

“Oh, thank you so much! And…you’re done.” I said, with excitement evident in my voice.

“Thank you!” She replied, with the same enthusiasm, bowed and left the dressing room. 

I put the brush down on the table and walked towards the back of the room, where Areum eunnie was sitting and going through my resignation letter. As I arrived where she was, she looked up at me and handed me my phone. 

“So, how is it eunnie?” I asked, looking at her keenly.

“It’s perfect. I made some grammatical corrections in between, but other than that, it’s great. Print that, and bring it to me. I’ll make sure I hand it in to the office before I go home today.”

“Okay eunnie; I’ll be right back.” 

I walked out of the dressing room and into the corridor, to go down to the lobby. Unless we have shoots that require outdoor settings, our director prefers to stay in the building itself. I ran to the printer and immediately connected my phone to it. I clicked the button and waited a minute for the printer to take the paper in. After the printout came, I ran back upstairs, greeting the very few people in the building. 

“Eunnie, I’m back!”

“Wow, someone’s really excited to resign, huh?” Areum eunnie said, with a smirk on her face.

“No, not like that eunnie. It’s just that it’s getting late for you to-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Give me the paper, let me sign it and then you can leave.” She said, as a matter-of-factly.

“What? What do you mean ‘leave’? Who’s leaving?” I asked, furrowing my brows.

“You. Who else is here? Annabelle?” 

“But, what do you mean leave? Shouldn’t I come with you?” 

“No, you don’t have to. The resignation will be accepted quickly, if you don’t come. I can make up something, like, ‘She got an offer to be a professional.’ ‘This can change her life.’ ‘We shouldn’t be discouraging.’ ‘She’s working on her interview tomorrow’, something like that.” She said, exaggerating each sentence and moving her hands as if she’s painting.

“Are you sure that’ll work eunnie? It’s fine, I can come if you wan-”

“It will work. A hundred percent sure. Go now.” She said, pushing me out the door.

“Okay fine. Bye eunnie.”

“Bye dear.”

I started walking outside the building, when I opened my phone to go through it. I unlocked the phone and saw a million notifications popping up. I opened iMessages and checked that Soo-Yun was the one that sent me all of them. I glanced at the time at the top of the phone, and realized it was 5:40.

‘Ah shit, I forgot that we had to meet at 5.’ 

“Bro, stop, stop spamming me. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” - Sent at 5:41

“Finally!! Inform me before you’re coming late next time. I’m waiting.” - Soo-Yun ❤️ Sent at 5:41

I locked my phone and got into my car. Today was a hectic day, and I actually don’t have any energy left. However, it’s Soo-Yun we’re talking about. I’ll make time for her, even if I’m busy. Today, we’re not going to leave that café. It’s been a long time since we’ve talked with each other, and a lot of things happened in between.

Soo-Yun and I were friends from middle school. She knew me from head to toe, my fashion style, my personality, my habits, what makes me irritated, the small things that make me happy, everything.

She was in my life for a long time, and will continue to be there. We even had the same major in college, well, almost. I majored in Cosmetology, Soo-yun in Fashion Designing. It was pretty similar, and we often worked on projects together.

We have a very special connection, one which I have with no one else.

[carriejonesbooks]

So, I have to go to Book Expo America at the end of this week. If you are not some official publishing person you’re probably like, “What is Book Expo America?” It’s this big huge massive (insert another large-sounding adjective here) industry thing where there are:

1. Publishers 2. Authors 3. Book sellers 4. Publicists

And almost all of them are well dressed.

There is the issue! I am from Maine…. Okay, I live in Northern Maine. How northern? When people from Glamour Magazine came up here to do a photo shoot with Megan Kelley Hall and myself (for our Dear Bully anthology) they made us DRESS IN LL BEAN CLOTHES!!!!!

Yes, even Glamour knew that it is not glamorous up here.

Sigh.

Megan still looked good. Me? The hair stylist/make-up person kept complaining about my hair, and how my nose turned red in the cold, and I felt so badly for her because she was used to super models or My Little Pony (really – she was the stylist for My Little Pony) and then she got stuck with me.

Anyway, I was thinking about BEA and authors who are always beautiful and poised and funny and lovely. And I have decided I need to somehow magically channel these authors at BEA so I don’t look like a hick from Maine or like, you know, I’ve never actually interacted with other actual human beings before.

But pretty much everything in my wardrobe has paint stains on it, holes, or long white dog fur.

She always blames me. There are lint rollers out there for a reason. Geesh.

I basically come across as either an eccentric old-money professor or homeless.

You may think I have no reason to be panicky, but I’m going to repost what happened to me the last time I went to BEA, and maybe you’ll understand.

ONCE AGAIN FOR THOSE WHO MISSED IT BEFORE – HERE IS THE HORRIBLE INCIDENT OF ME AT BEA LAST TIME (Taken from the original blog post of horror): So, yep, I had my skirt fall off (YES! PAST MY KNEES!) when I got out of the taxi today!  Oh, Britney…oh Lindsey…oh Paris… I so feel your pain. Fortunately, there were no paparrazzi, just my cab driver (His eyes got really big) and a father with his eight-year-old son (WHO WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!). They were standing right there, waiting for the taxi. The little boy gasped! GASPED!!!! I have marred him for life.

I then realized I should not be let out of Maine.

So I started yanking my skirt up with my hand while trying to: a. Pay taxi driver guy b. not die c. juggle three massive bags full of ARCS d. not worry about that little boy’s therapy bills.

It was then that I realized that hotel security cameras probably totally caught the skirt fall action.

I thanked God (and pretty much every potential deity in existence) that I am not famous and therefore not worthy enough to have the skirt DISASTER image blasted all over the internet.

I then hid in the hotel room, vowing never to come out again.

So, yeah. I don’t want that to happen again.

If you would like to see me in unsuitable clothes, check out the Lerner Booth on Friday, June 1 from 11:30 to noon.  I’ll be there with a spy who was also a catcher. 🙂

  WRITING NEWS

Yep, it’s the part of the blog where I talk about my books and projects because I am a writer for a living, which means I need people to review and buy my books or at least spread the word about them.

I’m super good at public image and marketing for nonprofits but I have a much harder time with marketing myself.

So, please buy one of my books. 🙂 The links about them are all up there in the header on top of the page on my website carriejonesbooks.blog .  There are young adult series, middle grade fantasy series, stand-alones for young adults and even picture book biographies.

Time Stoppers

Flying

Moe Berg

Write! Submit! Support! Begins Again in July!

“It’s not easy to create a thriving writing career in the children’s industry, but what if you didn’t have to do it alone? Write. Submit. Support is a six-month program designed by author and Writing Barn Founder Bethany Hegedus. Classes are led by top creatives in the children’s industry field; they’ll give you the tips and tools you need to take both your manuscripts and your developing career to the next level. Think of it as an MFA in craft with a certificate in discovering (or recovering) your writer joy! – Writing Barn “

And more about the class I specifically teach? It is right here.

Here is what current students are saying:

Carrie is all strengths. Seriously. She’s compassionate, funny, zesty, zany, insightful, honest, nurturing, sharp, and…Wow, that’s a lot of adjectives. But really, I couldn’t praise Carrie enough as a mentor. I’ve long respected her writing, but being talented at something doesn’t automatically mean you will be a great mentor. Carrie just happens to be one of those rare cases of extreme talent and excellent coaching. Aside from the specific feedback she offers, she also writes letters in response to the process letter and analyses. These letters have been so impactful for me as I writer that I plan to print them and hang them up. Creepy? Maybe. But they are so inspiring. And that, in the most long-winded way possible, is how I would summarize Carrie as a mentor—inspiring.

Dogs Are Smarter Than People

And finally, the podcast DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE is still chugging along. Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness. We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of.

Look, Mom! It’s a podcast.

Book Expo America is Coming and I have Nothing to Wear So, I have to go to Book Expo America at the end of this week. If you are not some official publishing person you’re probably like, “What is Book Expo America?” It’s this big huge massive (insert another large-sounding adjective here) industry thing where there are:

[dpargyle]

Winter of My Discontents

Alright, moving on –

So this is the first day of shit weather this year where I live.  It’s weird – growing up in New York I remember the seasons – but here we only have two – winter and construction.  It goes from 80 to 40 (F) in about a week – so yesterday was 75 and sunny and I could read outside and actually talk to people and today it’s 59 and rainy and cloudy and I just wanna set everything on fire.

I fucking hate it.

Kids – I fucking hate winter.  It glooms over you – and everything goes from bright and outside to monochrome and “fuck you.”  My wheelchair can’t go over the snow and it snows here from like the beginning of November to the middle of April and all of those months here I loathe.  Summer’s ok here but you’re still surrounded by religious lunatics.  

Nobody plows their fucking sidewalk in winter so I have to literally risk my life by driving my wheelchair in the middle of roads with cars in order to cross my own godsdamn street just to get food and now this year

my Dad wants me to come into the office three times a week.  

(So – to explain my work situation – OK – so technically I’m unemployed – and that’s cuz of the stupid fucking government who says like “oh you’re making above this much money as a person in a wheelchair?  Well in that case Medicaid isn’t gonna pay for your attendants to help you get up in the morning and go to bed at night (I’d need to make, like, 25k or so a year to afford that basically)” and also if you save literally one dollar more than $2,000 at one time on all your bank accounts combined we’ll also cut your Medicaid funding for the attendants and very expensive medical equipment (my chair costs 36k every 5 years) as well!” so I’m very much hamstrung by bureaucratic bullshit) –

so in order to get around all this nonsense – I (with the help of my family) am officially unemployed but I live in an apartment that’s technically rented by my Dad’s company – and in return I write and edit (and have been for like 6 years now) an e-magazine about the 3D Printing Industry (I don’t put my name on it though because again, government…) – which is kinda interesting and has allowed me to do both that and focus on my creative work as well – and I also do some freelance writing and one time an artistic thing for the company as well – (that money gets funneled to a bank account the government doesn’t know about) but mostly I’m glad I’ve had these jobs but they’re not…I don’t get excited about them.  I know other people might, but – I’m not one of them hahaha.  I really want to work creatively, but you know…)

In any case, while my Dad does run the main company as CEO he didn’t hire me – it wasn’t his idea – the owner of the company (who has lots of $$$) – after a year of me searching for jobs after college (very unsuccessfully) called me up one day and was like “you’re doing this for us now” and I needed to move out of my folks’ house ASAP so I was like “OK” –

But now my Dad wants me to come in to the office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – and I totally understand his reasoning (he’s trying to help me out) – he thinks that if I’m in the office other people there will involve me more in freelance-type work and I’ll be able to earn more $ - and this is probably true – and he also wants me to “get out of your warren” – cuz he knows my brother was basically the only person I interacted with socially in this entire city on any regular basis and now that he’s gone, well….

So my Dad seems to think being social with the other workers or something will be good for me? I mean maybe he’s right but I know everyone in there and they’re all super old and while they’re very nice I don’t have much in common with them and even if I did it’s still super awkward cuz I’m the boss’s son and it’s just awkward – I mean this is part of the reason why my brother left anyway – he worked there for three years but after those three years he was ready to not work at his Dad’s company anymore – and plus he and his wife fuckin hated Utah anyway and I don’t blame them at all I mostly hate it too haahahaha (cries)…

Though if I’m being honest anywhere I’d live I’d probably find all the flaws in real quick…

But maybe somewhere like California where actual things happen and I don’t have to fucking war against winter every year…

Cuz like I’ve tried the work many days a week with a commute in this city – and in summer it’s ok – there’s a very good tram-line system and I’m close to a station (for this purpose) – but in winter…

So for the first year I lived in Salt Lake I was working the magazine job and I was also working at the local Apple Store as well and that winter I literally nearly died commuting cuz I was super tired all the time (my fatigue tolerance level is super low) and dealing with customers and then doing the magazine job and then I was trying to write a book in my free time (it was the first one I wrote and it was complete shit but I’m proud of it cuz it was the first thing I’d ever finished) but I was basically operating at only 15% power and then one night I was on the train platform and there was ice and I slipped off it and half my wheelchair and I fell into the gap between the platform and the train and if that train operator hadn’t seen me he would’ve pulled out of the station and I woulda been warm meat paste…

(I nearly die at least six times a year…)

And that was the night I decided I’d quit that Apple job cuz no job is worth that hellish commute.

Even in subtler ways, though the winter is a killer for me here – there are days when the weather or the pressure changes and my right shoulder (the arm I drive my power wheelchair with) is in so much agony I can hardly move at all – and this lasts 2 or 3 days sometimes 4 –

and then they have these frikken godsforsaken mines here and we’re in this bowl-shaped valley so they mine all this dust into the air and so there’s this inversion here in winter and you can literally visibly see the dust in the air and your throat burns for like four months straight and it’s like the fuckin dust bowl or something god I hate unregulated red states…

And to top it all off, when I travel a lot in the cold my feet rub against my shoes which happened when I commuted to the apple store and by the end of that year I had sores on my heels that took 6 months to heal and in that time one of my best friends from high school died and I couldn’t travel to his funeral because I couldn’t even get out of my door and….I hated myself for that – I’d let him down (again.)

To be honest with you – when I first got offered that job at Apple I was so proud and happy and excited – I’d been looking for a job for a year after college and I looked everywhere – all over the world – in every industry I could think of – and there was just nothing.  Nobody even offered me an interview before they did – and I have self-esteem issues anyway so I started thinking – like – is it cuz I’m in a wheelchair?  Is that why nobody wants me?  (I really have issues dealing with any kind of rejection because of this…)

But then Apple came along and said “Yes!”  And I was like OMG this is amazing – I’m doing retail but it’s gonna be in an interesting (kind of) industry and I’m gonna work with young peeps like me and I’m gonna do creative stuff in my free time and slowly work my way up the ladder and I’m still young I got tons of time to do everything and be everywhere I wanna be going…and then the month before I had the job orientation with Apple my old high school friend had the sudden accident which would lead to his passing a few months later – and….nothing mattered like it had anymore…

He was hovering between life and death all the way in New York and I was in Utah doing…what? Selling expensive crap to rich Mormons? Nothing made sense anymore.  For six years before that point I’d been an insufferable evangelical Christian zealot – and although for two years my faith had been wavering due to me beginning to question its draconian teachings – at that point I still had it – but then this happened and very quickly what little faith I’d been holding onto died with my friend.  

I’m glad I’ve grown in my empathy and inclusiveness since then – but on the other hand, I feel I’ve lost something…

And then a month after my friend’s accident I had to present myself to Apple and be an enthusiastic team player filled with evangelism for the products and I just…I couldn’t do it…I remember that week so vividly too cuz that was the week George Lucas sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they announced they were doing MORE STAR WARS and I was like holy fuck that’s what I wanna do – maybe not necessarily Star Wars (though !!!) – but telling stories and weaving myths – and making a thing that MATTERED to people – that moved them and shook them and changed them and nourished them and gave them some godsdamned fucking hope in this unjust world…

But I was stuck here in Utah…

So I started writing that book and I pushed myself so incredibly hard cuz literally by that point it was the only thing that mattered to me and made sense – feeling like I’d been put on this Earth to make art and I wasn’t gonna waste anymore time because maybe I didn’t have anymore time, you know?

And like I couldn’t connect with my coworkers – they were my age but many of them were Mormons with whole families they were supporting and most of the rest (save for my good friend @soundscomplicated) – I just…it was hard to connect to.  In college I’d been surrounded by interesting people who challenged my brain and soul parts (at least sometimes – though academia drove me nuts) …but now….now I was stuck in the wasteland with no way out…

I finished the book and it was crap but at least I’d done something.  Then I made that personal safety decision to quit Apple and for the last four years I’ve been working from home…

And this past year or so I finally began to put it all together again maybe – my drawing skills were improving – I was writing another book that scared the crap outta me (but that was a good thing) – about a group of nerds who lost someone close to them and whose worlds were turned upside down as a result – where the protagonist was a kid in a wheelchair like me and for the first time I felt like I was writing something IMPORTANT that MATTERED that might move people – letting out all my pain and hope and regret and love -

But then I sent it out to potential agents and waited and waited and waited for months and months and literally none of them even sent me a solid rejection.  It was all just nothingness into the void.  I understand they get so many submissions though so I tried not to take it personally –

And I decided this story and these words that I’d finished were important enough for me to publish on Amazon – so I did – and it was one of the proudest moments of my life (this was back in April or so) but then – nobody bought it.  And it’s not like I expected to make out like gangbusters – I don’t know anything about marketing or being social media savvy (I mean just witness the godsdamned length of this friggen post hahaha) – but I thought at least everyone in my extended family would buy it – but nope. It sold like 11 copies.  Let’s just say I will love those 11 people forever but I just…

Like I’d killed myself over this fucking book.  I went down into the deepest parts of my soul and ripped them out for all the world to see – I didn’t do anything but this book.  I did my paying work for the company but hanging out with people other than my brother sometimes?  I didn’t have time.  I didn’t have the energy.

In the flesh connections are so hard and when you’re working on something you truly believe in – well – you feel compelled to WORK WORK WORK and where was I gonna meet people here anyway?  

This story mattered more than my own happiness.

And now that it hasn’t done well?  What was it all for?  Really? It’s not that I’m not totally effing proud of what came out – I am – probably more than any other art I’ve ever made – but…I dunno I guess I just have delusions of grandeur for myself…sometimes I feel like if I’m not Shakespeare – if I can’t support myself with my art – I’m a failure.  

I’ve failed.  My life has been a waste!

And then I sit back and I try to remind myself that’s an incredibly toxic and terrible way of thinking but at this point I literally can’t help it…

I don’t know what to work on next creatively.  And now I’m having to spend more time away from my creative stuff and I don’t want to – I really don’t give a shit about the meager extra money I’m gonna get by going into the office – I want those hours I’m gonna waste there back!  I don’t want to spend more hours not doing what I was born on this earth to do.

That probably sounds super privileged of me and I’m lucky to be where I am and blah blah blah but I just……and when the winter really comes and there’s snow on the ground I literally will not be able to go to the office (or even leave my apartment easily for that matter) and my Dad understands that – but I just…

Maybe I just don’t want to do that stuff anymore?  I’m probably coming across as a super lazy and ungrateful person – and I am, but…

I just don’t have many friends here anyway and spending energy on commuting is just not gonna help that at all and I see no way out and I’m literally crying as I type this and I want OUT OUT OUT so bad but I don’t know what that means or what that looks like and I am cold and scared and lonely and tired and

For the past month it’s been warm and sunny and I’ve had Blondie to distract me from all this pain and mounting mediocrity and it’s been nice cuz I haven’t really had a crush in the flesh since college – like literally the last girl I allowed myself to fall for is now married with two kids hahaha and that night I got my head stuck in the fridge and I didn’t say this in the original post but

I was literally kind of sobbing because my brother was leaving (he’s gone now) and I don’t have many good friends (especially here) and my book I cared so much about fucking crashed and burned and I put my fucking soul into that thing and it wasn’t good enough I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH and then my chair crapped out and I was about to die and I cried for like an hour (I haven’t cried like that in like seven years – since before my friend died) but then I stopped crying cuz Leia’s Theme came on my shuffle and it gave me some hope so instead of crying I was yelling and then somebody busted open my front door

And she was literally an angel and just sweet and all my everything just washed away and everything was OK but now – it’s just – that distraction is fading away and I am facing my reality and…

As with every winter here, I am growing restless…