#I CAN'T HEAR YOU WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE WATCHING VIDEOS WITHOUT EARPHONES ON

[jdopes-recorder]

Ok imagine felix taking you out to an expensive restaurant (crack)

Btw, my first long post of these things so feedback will be appreciated <33

He told you that he was just taking you for some ice cream

You dress up moderately cuz it's just ice cream

Then he drives right past the ice cream shop and you're like "dude wha-??? "

He drives a bit more and stops in front of a fancy smazy restaurant and gets you out of the car

You're all "LIX YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME LOOK AT HOW I'M DRESSED😟"

And he just gives you his blinding heart melting smile, apologizes and tells you that you look absolutely beautiful and stunning in anything

Safe to say you're all 🥺🥺 and blushing but still a little frustrated

Then you get the menus and you see the prices first obviously and-

HOW CAN ONE PLATE OF FRIES BE 200 LIKE DAMN DO THEY SPRINKLE GOLD ON IT?!?

After a bunch of complaining from you, he makes you order whatever you want and says that he wants to do this for you

And you're like "I love you sm boi but seriously wtf"

You get some noodle thing you can't pronounce but sounds fancy cuz you shouldnt really just get a burger in such a place

You get the fries cuz... Fries

Turns out that noodle thing wasn't all that great and was a little spicy but hey, the chicken in it was pretty good and you got a chance to make a bbokari joke that wasn't taken so well oops-

Then you watch (deathstare) him eat his pasta and prawn until he notices and gives you some cuz he's sweet like that

WHY IS HIS FOOD SO MUCH BETTER

His food is now yours.

You look at the deserts and there's this 70% pure chocolate cake and you decide you'll split that

It looks a lot smaller than expected *cough* that's what she said *cough*

But then you take a bite and it tastes like a cocoa bean took a shit in your mouth, in a good way..... You get it

It's so chocolatey that you feel lowkey sick

You give the rest to him and wonder how he can eat that much of it without feeling sick cuz it's THAT sweet

He takes some photos of you while you die of embarrassment cuz people are looking at you like 🫤

Then you happily take pics if him cuz he's stunning and beautiful and perfect and so freaking adorable you just wanna squish him and stuff him in your pocket like your own personal ray of sunshine and lucky charm

Then you tell him how bloated your tummy is and you don't like it 🙁

And hes all "THAT'S SO ADORABLE AND SQUISHY I LOVE IT STAWPPPP" and will later proceed to take a nap on it like it's his very own pillow

On the way back y'all keep singing(screaming) your fav songs and may have gotten too into it that it almost became a little concert

You finally get to the dorms where you'll be staying the night and you can hear the screaming and chaos from outside

You open the door and see minho chasing hyunjin with tissues in his hand again, chan with his earphones on his laptop (you swear you're gonna steal it someday), han stuffing his face with cheesecake, changbin watching some workout tips videos, seungmin just reading his book and jeongin watching a marvel movie while silently judging them all

The moment he notices you hyunjin runs and shields himself from minho behind you just in time to avoid getting his mouth stuffed

They're all like " HELLO ANYEONGHASEYEOOO" in Jackson style

Then hyunjin is "you guys went and ate at a fancy restaurant without me :((" And starts getting teary and dramatic cuz is he hyunjin if he doesn't?

And lo and behold, from your bag you pull out.....

THE NOODLES YOU DIDN'T LUV AND ABANDONED FOR LIXIE'S FOOD

Cue the praises and crying of joy from hyunnie

They all dig in and kinda like it but they all agree that it was stupidly expensive and you look at Felix like, " SEE BISH I'M RIGHT "

Channie decides to try some and becomes as red as an angry white man in the summer and runs to the kitchen to get milk (that yo daddy never came back with but dw Chris is bringing some for all of y'all)

And then all of you sit down and finish watching that movie with innie and you complete the lines with them cuz you a marvel fan✨

You say goodnight and head to bed (except channie and you are so close to dragging him by the hair and tucking him in bed agressivsely but with lob)

As expected, lixie uses ur tummy as his pillow and is out like a light

You just stare at him like "JLKFHSYFKGHDJH HE'S SO PRETTYYYY" and play with his soft beautiful hair and go to dreamy land

Tagging @sparkystraynger cuz she asked for it and has practically sold her soul by doing so *insert evil laughter*

[compo67]

Where in the World is Cal?

hello there!

oh my goodness, it's been a minute. hi. hello. please, sit down. can i offer you some tea? content note ahead for talk of hospice, Alzheimer's, chronic conditions, depression, grief.

well, y'all. it's been a rough year for me and my family. my grandmother passed away mid-March, after 10+ years of caring for her throughout her journey with Alzheimer's. we spent January to March doing in-home hospice. i trained with our hospice folks and became an aide, which meant i was doing vitals, lifts, transfers, ADLs, administering medication, managing hospice appointments, recording info, and counseling my mother. i was on the clock 24/7 and i worked my day job 2 weeks into March because i couldn't afford to take so much FMLA/unpaid leave.

i thought i was A+ prepared for late stage Alzheimer's care. i took trainings, i have lots of social worker friends who specialize in hospice/gerontology, and i'm a smart cookie. i read books, listened to podcasts, watched videos and braced myself. i made breakfast for four people every morning without fail. i pushed my body past its limits. i barely felt it, though, because i was in crisis/emergency management mode. i cried a lot. i picked up a lot of new trauma. nothing can completely prepare you--no amount of research or anecdotal references can. my grandmother raised me. she was my mother and my little girl all at once.

when you care for someone with Alzheimer's, they can become quite child-like. i bought her coloring books, foam building blocks, puzzles, stickers, and funny hats. the last 3 years of her life, she was mostly nonverbal, so we communicated through expressions. she had the brightest eyes. i'm a hands on, touchy feeling person--i was always holding her hand, kissing her cheek, running my hand through her hair, or hugging her close to me. especially in the last few months. i slept in a small couch at her bedside. it is still hard for me to wear earphones because then i can't hear if she might need something.

i'm often reminded of that quote of how lucky am I to have something to love so much that it hurts so much to let go. the study of astronomy helps me appreciate how fortunate i am, that in 4 billion years of life on this planet, i got to have this incredible woman be such a powerful force in my life. she was so kind, y'all. she was entirely devoted to her family. she was truly one of a kind.

i didn't immediately realize that when she stopped eating, so did i. we all did. i tried so hard, so much, to hold onto every moment i could. she passed away the day i got my second and final covid vaccine. she waited and held on through the weekend to quietly take a bow and slip into the next life, which was just so... on brand for her. she saw me through.

i helped pick out her last outfit. i stayed with my mom throughout all the necessary arrangements. we all cried together and on our own. friends came by in small groups and i leaned hard on them. covid made everything so much more difficult, so much more isolating. my friends set up meal trains and sent gift cards for food. the first week was something so painful, i don't fully remember it. food is only now starting to have a taste to it.

the second week, i helped my parents power wash the patio and some siding. i was in the garden, helping move stuff around. i helped my dad build a grill for my mom. march turned into april. we got my grandma's ashes back, with my grandfather's, and made a dedicated space for them in our home with their favorite portrait right next to them and a vase of fresh flowers. i felt better knowing she was back with us.

and then, y'all. i crashed. i hit the wall i knew i'd hit, but had no idea just how hard i'd slam against it. i couldn't walk. i couldn't get out of bed without help. i'd have two or three day stretches of intense pain, incredibly loose joints, and migraines. i slowly started to contact my doctors, updated them, and tried to get back on the horse. i started new meds, got labs done to test for mast cell issues, and started some prednisone. things seemed to pick up until 04/23, when i had a flare that almost sent me to the ER. in an ideal world, i would have gone to the ER. in this world, however, i know there's not much point in going when you have an acute on chronic flare up of rare and often misunderstood conditions.

with the hit my body took, my mental health took a nose dive. i had no idea what to do with myself. what is all this free time? what is this silence in the house? it's 1 AM, when did we do meds last? i should be doing X Y Z to prep for later. is the nurse or the social worker coming over tomorrow? where are my notes? no, wait. remember? she's gone. and over and over again. sometimes, i'd just sit in her room and cry. or i'd go outside, pick up a broom to sweep the leaves off the patio, and i'd cry there, because sweeping was one of her favorite activities. she loved organizing things. she liked seeing things neat.

i have what is known as the trifecta: Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, dysautonomia, and mast cell activation disorder. the first two i have a hold on, the third is new and i'm still learning. basically, MCAD means i'm allergic to everything/anything at any given time. my body just responds/reacts so much, i often can't know what. i'm on so many antihistamines, it's like a cocktail of stuff keeping me alive and out of the hospital. benadryl is my best friend. i got new epi pens and trained my mom and sister on how to use them. i react to lotion, any pressure on my face (even my glasses), direct sunlight, stress, and certain foods the most/most often. you can read more about MCAD to understand that it takes a big toll on your quality of life.

okay, so, what now?

well. i've just... been here. on the recliner. or in bed. or at the japanese dollar store i discovered that brings me all kinds of joy. last week, i had ice cream with a friend. a few nights ago, i watched a hockey game with two other friends. everyone in my circle is vaccinated, but i am still extremely cautious/spending a lot of time at home. this flare hit hard and i'm not at 100% yet. i'm taking steps towards it. i started working again, though even on that, i'm not 100%. some calls are super triggering and i have to step away. some weeks i struggle just to work my shifts. it's a work in progress. i'm more hopeful about this week.

every monday in may, i have a doctor's appointment or treatment. tomorrow is my bi-annual MRI for my liver tumors. i met with a new primary care doctor last week. i'm gonna start infusion therapy next month to see if it helps. i'm back on prednisone for a while longer so i can well and truly kick this flare in the ass. the new antihistamine cocktail seems to be working, i haven't been flushed/broken out into hives in a few days. building myself back up will take time. i'm just an impatient person.

so that's what has been going on, what i've been going through, and what i'm still up against now. grief is a harsh mistress. it'll hit out of nowhere. i try not to push down grief and just let myself sit with it. survivor's guilt is oof. flashbacks happen every day. i'm still meeting with my therapist and we are making good progress with EMDR. i've been reading more graphic novels and illustrating my children's book. i've been wondering about The Big Picture of my life like grad school and stuff like that. i take everything hour by hour, day by day.

i miss y'all. i miss fun. i miss smut and that toe curling i'm in love hold on while i swoon type of feeling. i miss writing banter that makes me cackle in my chair. i miss dean talking to me. i miss editing. i know it can't be forced. it's frustrating. i know it will be there when i'm ready.

so yeah. there we have it. wish me luck on the MRI. let's hope i get good techs and that they play classic rock in the tube this time. i'm thankful for fresh benadryl, cold water, and ice packs these days. i'm turning 33 at the end of this month. it's surreal.

thank you, as always, for being here.

thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sticking with me and my writing. all my love.

-Cal

[gamegrumpiess]

Sleepwalk

I was listening to Sleepwalk by Renee Olstead, and I had this idea.

Grump: Danny (from now on, most will be Danny. Unless you request someone else, which I will be happy to do!)

Btw! I'm this plot, Renee didn't write the lyrics. You did! She isn't even a singer in this universe. Just a heads up.

-

Y/n's POV

I can't sleep tonight. It's been a month since me and Danny broke up, but I can't help but still mourn our relationship. It was mutual, at least that's what he thinks. I would've never called it off. I was so in love with him. I still am. We told the fans, and they were pretty supportive in what we did. A lot of them were really sad, as was I. Danny is a singer just like me. I do silly songs just like him. But he encouraged me to do a cover album or a cover song. I did one album, Cover Me Up was the name. It got a lot of love, which I am very proud of.

I turn on my phone to check the time. 4:23 am. The bold numbers shine at me in front of Danny's face. I couldn't bring it to myself to change my screensaver. It's not like anyone's gonna see. I miss him a lot, every night gets harder than the last. He was my world. I've known him since senior year of high school, he was a huge part of my life. And now... That's no more. He's probably living his best life. Being Danny Sexbang and all. He probably has girls flying at his feet, throwing him their panties and offering 'the night of his life'. I understand I might be over thinking, but I can't help it. He was mine, and now he's out there doing who knows what. I let a few stray tears fall down ontou pillow. It's so lonely here at night now. I love what I do, singing, dancing, having fun. It was just so much more amazing when I had someone to share it with.

I lay my head back a stare at the ceiling. I need to distract myself, so I reach for my headphones and plug them in, looking for my Oldies playlist. I click on it and the song that comes on is Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny. Listening to the slow beat and light guitar, I cry even more. Just my luck, huh? I can't just lay here, I really should get up and something. Writing usually helps me calm down. That's when I get an idea for a song, it's a bit sad and people will know exactly who its about. But maybe that's what needs to happen. My feelings should be out there. And if something goes wrong, I'll accept the outcomes.

I pull up my pen and notebook and just start writing.

"Sleepwalk, instead of dreamin' I

Sleepwalk.

Cause' I lost you and now, what am I to do?

Can't believe that we're through.

Sleep talk. Cause' I miss you, I sleep talk.

While the memories of you wither like a soul.

Darling I was so low.

The night fills me with blame. I see your face, tears through my brain.

I know I miss you so. I still love you, drives me insane.

Sleepwalk. Every night I just sleepwalk. Please come back, and when you walk inside the door, I will sleepwalk no more."

I immediately went to my computer set up and staring out my own little version of Sleepwalk. More of like a piano and violin cover, rather than guitar and drum. Once I had it to where I wanted the beat and rhythm, I pulled up my microphone and started singing away.

Danny's POV

This morning was the worst. I couldn't sleep at all, I've been up since 3:30 am. I guess I haven't really gotten used to sleeping by myself. Without y/n's body near mine, it's hard to even get tired. I do miss her. A lot actually. I know it was my idea to call off the relationship, but I was scared of what would happen if I didn't have enough time for her. I have game grumps, starbomb, and ninja sex party. She deserves someone who has all the time in the world to give her all the attention she deserves. When we told the fans, I didn't expect them to be so sad. I even lost a handful of fans because of it. She agreed, but I knew her better. She was on the verge of tears when she left. She was trying to be strong so I wouldn't see that side of her, but I know better than that. When she left I broke down. Gripped and clawed at my hair, cried on the edge of the bed, wondering if I had made the right choice. I big-huge part of me was telling myself I didn't.

My phone buzzes, and I see its a text from Arin.

When you get here I need to show you something.

Oh what fresh hell does he have to subject my eyes to. Last time he said that, I had to watch 12 Days Of Elves... Don't ask.

I finally arrived at the Grump Space. I see everyone in their usual area. Ryan and Matt at the computers, Ross and Barry in the kitchen making coffee, and the only other people here this early is Arin and me. Everyone else usually is a little late. "Thank god you're finally here. You haven't felt your phone buzzing?" I give him a confused look. "Other than you texting me, no. You know I have notifications turned off for my social media. What's going on?" He turns on the computer in front of us. "You should hear this before anything. I promise you, it's important." I roll my eyes. "This better not be some stupid shit, Arin!" I say with a light laugh. He shook his head, and I knew from the look in his eyes that this was in fact important.

Once the computer was fully on, he went to YouTube. Looking up y/n's name, I felt my stomach turn. Did she have a new boyfriend? Was she sick? Did she die?! I understand that last one is a bit of a long shot, but I tend to over think a lot.

A video was uploaded at 7:00 am this morning? "' sleepwalk? ' isn't that an old song?" I say confused. But I'm not all that surprised. She always did love the oldies. He nods his head. "She added her own lyrics and tune to it. And I think you should hear it." I nodded and put on some earphones, pushing play on the video. Her voices comes on, and it feels so amazing to hear her voice again. Even if it is just an intro in a YouTube video.

"Hello everyone. I had this idea for a song at like 3 in the morning. I couldn't sleep, so I made this. I hope you like it..."

The video fades to black and then it shows her at her little office space she has in her room. The music starts up, and at this point I notice her eyes. They're a little red and slightly puffy. She did a good job covering it up, but I've known her since senior year. She can't hide that from me.

She sings softly yet with so much passion and emotion. The lyrics sink in, and I know why Arin wanted to hear this. Its about me. I scroll down to look at the description and comments, and they all say things along the lines of 'I fucken sad now.' 'Wow, Danny really did a number on her' 'DANNY YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS SHIT!' 'This makes me so sad because she literally couldn't sleep thinking about him... Danny get your girl back!' 'Damn that made me tear up... '

After the video ended, I look at my phone. Y/n's face still smiles at me from behind the screen. I didn't want to change it, I couldn't do it. I felt several tears hit my leg, I didn't even realize i was crying. "Hey Dan, are you okay?" Arin puts his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "No... I'm not at all." I open up Twitter and see thousands of notifications to nsp and game grumps. All of which telling me to see what I just saw. I stood up slowly, feeling a little disappointed in myself. How could I let her walk out of my life so easily...?

Y/n's POV

After I posted the video, I decided I should really try to get some sleep. Especially since thousands of people will blow up my phone later on. Once in bed again, I tried to think of all the possibilities and outcomes of this. It could either go really well, or go really horribly bad. I guess we'll just have to see.

I wake up several hours later to my phone ringing. The sky is still a little bright to I assume it's not that late. 'Suzy <3' shines up at me. I smile, me and her always stayed quite close. "Hello?" I try to run the sleep out of my eyes. "Hey, are feeling okay? I heard your song, and I know it's about Dan. How are you, hun?"

It means a lot that she's not just calling about GET HIM BACK! She just wants to know if I'm okay. "Honestly? I feel so empty. Luckily today is just a lazy day so I don't have to adult today. But still.... I feel lost." I hear her sigh, "I know, y/n. It sucks. But you have me! And I'm way better than Danny!" She says jokingly. "Damn right you are! I'll call you a bit later when I'm more awake, okay?" We say our goodbyes and I sit up more in bed. I take a quick look at my notification bar and just as I expected, its blowin up. 'When will I stop being a pussy?' My thoughts we're interrupted by several rings of my doorbell.

Without looking through the peephole I open the door, only to see a certain curly haired man standing on my doorstep. "Danny? What are you doing here?" His eyes are glazed over and puffy as if he had just finished crying. He looked down. "I.... I heard your song. Was it... Was it about me? I'm sorry, I just need to know. I couldn't focus at all today during work. And on my way home, I just couldn't take it anymore. I have to know." My anxiety goes up a long shot. My eyes looking at everyone but him. "Y/n... I need to know." I slowly nod my head, still avoiding his eyes. "May I come in? I think we should talk.." I scoot to the side to let him in. "I'm sorry if I caused a lot of drama. I just thought... It would be better if I just made it into a song rather than.. Just telling you." I confessed. He grabbed my shoulders. "Don't be sorry, y/n. When we broke up, and you left. I broke down. I couldn't handle the fact that I just let you go.. I'm sorry."

"Then why did you do it? Why wait so fucking long to come to my house?! Why hurt me this bad, leaving me all alone when all I wanted was you! I hated knowing that YOU let me just walk out. And you looked like you... Like you didn't even give a shit..." I couldn't help it. I let all my emotions explode on him. "Why do you think I did?! Y/n, you deserve someone who has the time for you, who will give you all the attention in the world. Someone who will GIVE you the world! I want nothing more than to have you back again, but you don't deserve someone like me! I love with all my soul, hell, I'd give up everything for your dumbass! I didn't say anything till now because I thought you'd be mad, and I thought you'd moved on, hated me even!" He was standing pretty close to me by now. "Well no shit I'd be mad! You think I don't deserve you? Bullshit! You've already given me the world and more! Don't think that I don't understand about your job because I do the same fucking thing!!! I know it's hard, but I was willing to work even harder because I love you more than life itself! I deserve you just like you deserve me!" He rolled his eyes. "You're fucking gorgeous! You can have any man you want! What the hell is so special about me?" I got in his face once again, "because you are so much better than any other man I've met! We've known each other for YEARS and you think I'd just give all that up?! What kinda drugs are you on, Dan? Do you think I'm that fucken dumb? I haven't slept in weeks because it feels so horrible not having you next to me. That's some bullshit to say that I can have any man I want. I want YOU, dipshit!" I couldn't help it, I fell to my knees, shaking from trying to hold back tears. How he say that I didn't deserve him? He was my world, he still is my world. Nothing will change that.

He walks to me, and sits on the floor with me. I feel his arms wrap around me, and I lean into his chest. "I'm sorry.. I loved you more than anything. I still do. Can you please give me another chance..? Now, I won't ever think you don't deserve me. I won't think anything like that. You mean the world to me, y/n. Please don't forget that." I look up at him, seeing his eyes filled with new tears. "Well duh, how can i say no to this face?" I grab his cheeks and smush them together and laugh. "I love you too, Danny." He smiled and leaned in and gave me a much needed kiss.

[kierancampire]

I hate how quiet it sounds on videos, but if you turn your volume all the way up, even away from the wall you can hear it. It's so frustrating that not only can i not accurately capture how loud it is, but you can't hear the other neighbour blasting their music too

This is every fucking day, this is all fucking evening. There have been times i have just turned my TV off and used my phone with earphones cause i can't hear my TV, and like i said, where i am they are meant to be silent at 11 pm abd they literally never are. My insomnia has been kinda bad lately and every single time i am awake past 11 pm or wake up after then, i can still hear them playing music and talking loudly, it's probably partly why my sleep is so shit

Again, it pisses me off in general, but it is literally every fucking day, all fucking evening, it hits between 3-5 pm, music starts and i hear it all evening, literally non-stop all evening, every day. Multiple neighbours

I just don't get why people feel the need to blast their musicso loud? And if you want it so loud, get headphones, especially if you are doing it literally all evening, every evening? I just genuinely don't get, how selfish and shitty do you need to be as a person, that every single day, every single evening, literally all fucking evening without fail, well past the social noise hours. How shitty do you need to be that you blast music that entire time with apparently 0 regard for the people around you? What about people who work, and are even lighter sleepers than i am, that try to go to sleep and can't sleep until 2 am or later every fucking night, cause multiple people just fucking blast music every fucking evening, non-stop

I don't even get it too! When music is that loud, you can't watch TV, game, read, nothing. So what do you do when you sit there every fucking day, every fucking evening, all fucking evening, just blasting the same 5 fucking songs over and over? And if it is this loud in my flat, it must be deafening in theirs, so what the fuck are they doing?

Now my neighbour is blasting some really fucking shitty repetitive music. Again, 9:15 pm, fucking blasting it. Like, fucking blasting. The same one who does it daily and every evening all evening. Fucking why. It's late. Why the fuck have you gotta do this every fucking evening. All fucking evening. It doesn't fucking stop. It's fucking constant. It never fucking stops, it never fucking relents. All fucking evening every fucking evening and it is so fucking loud. Fucking why.