#I BULLSHITTED MY WAY THROUGH ALL OF THEM
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Morrotober Day 5/October 5: Fly || Sunset || "Time to go home."
RAAUUGGHH HAPPY LATE MORROTOBER EVERYBODY FIRST ONE OF THE MONTH AND EVERYTHING I DID HERE I HAVE NEVER FUCKING DONE BEFORE SO IM KINDA PROUD OF IT LOWKEY
slight variations under the cut lol
i tried doing the yellow filter thing they had in the show but i dont know how to do that so i just put like brown over top and hoped for the best and idrk how i feel about it tbh tell me which one yall like better
#HELLO MORRO ENJOYERS HOW ARE WE DOING#DO. YOU RMEMEBER ME YET#iāve never done hugs iāve never done sunsets iāve never done rocks hoooLY#IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK THAT BAD LOWKEY I LIKE THE CLOUDS#I BULLSHITTED MY WAY THROUGH ALL OF THEM#i googled tutorials and none of them helped so i did it myself based off of the thumbnails LMAO#morrotober#morrotober 2023#morrotober2023#i donāt think iāll be doing every single day simply cause i donāt have ideas for all of them#and also i donāt have the time#but OO I HAVE THINGS PLANNED IM EXCITED#lets see if i can fucking finish them in time first#au week is gonna be MY WEEK#hopefully#i didnāt want to start morrotober off with a doodle so unfortunately i skipped the first 4 days#i straight up used a picture for the floor lmao i didnāt want to do it it would have taken forever#this new program doesnāt tell you how long you spend on one thing so weāll never know#but it was at least like a good 5 hours#it also doesnt have a fucking blend tool for some reason i had to use smudge#ninjago#lego ninjago#morro ninjago#ninjago morro#morro wu#wu ninjago#ninjago wu#sensei wu#master wu#jellos scribbles
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oooh please someday tell us what you think of GOT
oh, no, it's my fatal weakness! it's [checks notes] literally just the bare modicum of temptation! okay you got me.
SO. in order to tell what's wrong with game of thrones you kind of have to have read the books, because the books are the reason the show goes off the rails. i actually blame the showrunners relatively little in proportion to GRRM for how bad the show was (which I'm not gonna rehash here because if you're interested in GOT in any capacity you've already seen that horse flogged to death). people debate when GOT "got bad" in terms of writing, but regardless of when you think it dropped off, everyone agrees the quality declined sharply in season 8, and to a certain extent, season 7. these are the seasons that are more or less entirely spun from whole cloth, because season 7 marks the beginning of what will, if we ever see it, be the Winds of Winter storyline. it's the first part that isn't based on a book by George R.R. Martin. it's said that he gave the showrunners plot outlines, but we don't know how detailed they were, or how much the writers diverged from the blueprint ā and honestly, considering the cumulative changes made to the story by that point, some stark divergence would have been required. (there's a reason for this. i'll get there in a sec.)
so far, i'm not saying anything all that original. a lot of people recognized how bad the show got as soon as they ran out of Book to adapt. (I think it's kind of weird that they agreed to make a show about an unfinished series in the first place ā did GRRM figure that this was his one shot at a really good HBO adaptation, and forego misgivings about his ability to write two full books in however many years it took to adapt? did he think they would wait for him? did he not care that the series would eventually spoil his magnum opus, which he's spent the last three decades of his life writing? perplexing.) but the more interesting question is why the show got bad once it ran out of Book, because in my mind, that's not a given. a lot of great shows depart from the books they were based on. fanfiction does exactly that, all the time! if you have good writers who understand the characters they're working with, departure means a different story, not a worse one. now, the natural reply would be to say that the writers of GOT just aren't good, or at least aren't good at the things that make for great television, and that's why they needed the books as a structure, but I don't think that's true or fair, either. books and television are very different things. the pacing of a book is totally different from the pacing of a television show, and even an episodic book like ASOIAF is going to need a lot of work before it's remotely watchable as a series. bad writers cannot make great series of television, regardless of how good their source material is. sure, they didn't invent the characters of tyrion lannister and daenerys targaryen, but they sure as hell understood story structure well enough to write a damn compelling season of TV about them!
so but then: what gives? i actually do think it's a problem with the books! the show starts out as very faithful to the early books (namely, A Game of Thrones and A Clash of Kings) to the point that most plotlines are copied beat-for-beat. the story is constructed a little differently, and it's definitely condensed, but the meat is still there. and not surprisingly, the early books in ASOIAF are very tightly written. for how long they are, you wouldn't expect it, but on every page of those books, the plot is racing. you can practically watch george trying to beat the fucking clock. and he does! useful context here is that he originally thought GOT was going to be a trilogy, and so the scope of most threads in the first book or two would have been much smaller. it also helps that the first three books are in some respects self-contained stories. the first book is a mystery, the second and third are espionage and war dramas ā and they're kept tight in order to serve those respective plots.
the trouble begins with A Feast for Crows, and arguably A Storm of Swords, because GRRM starts multiplying plotlines and treating the series as a story, rather than each individual book. he also massively underestimated the number of pages it would take him to get through certain plot beats ā an assumption whose foundation is unclear, because from a reader's standpoint, there is a fucke tonne of shit in Feast and Dance that's spurious. I'm not talking about Brienne's Riverlands storyline (which I adore thematically but speaking honestly should have been its own novella, not a part of Feast proper). I'm talking about whole chapters where Tyrion is sitting on his ass in the river, just talking to people. (will I eat crow about this if these pay off in hugely satisfying ways in Winds or Dream? oh, totally. my brothers, i will gorge myself on sweet sweet corvid. i will wear a dunce cap in the square, and gleefully, if these turn out to not have been wastes of time. the fact that i am writing this means i am willing to stake a non-negligible amount of pride on the prediction that that will not happen). I'm talking about scenes where the characters stare at each other and talk idly about things that have already happened while the author describes things we already have seen in excruciating detail. i'm talking about threads that, while forgivable in a different novel, are unforgivable in this one, because you are neglecting your main characters and their story. and don't tell me you think that a day-by-day account tyrion's river cruise is necessary to telling his story, because in the count of monte cristo, the main guy disappears for nine years and comes hurtling back into the story as a vengeful aristocrat! and while time jumps like that don't work for everything, they certainly do work if what you're talking about isn't a major story thread!
now put aside whether or not all these meandering, unconcluded threads are enjoyable to read (as, in fairness, they often are!). think about them as if you're a tv showrunner. these bad boys are your worst nightmare. because while you know the author put them in for a reason, you haven't read the conclusion to the arc, so you don't know what that reason is. and even if the author tells you in broad strokes how things are going to end for any particular character (and this is a big "if," because GRRM's whole style is that he lets plots "develop as he goes," so I'm not actually convinced that he does have endings written out for most major characters), that still doesn't help you get them from point A (meandering storyline) to point B (actual conclusion). oh, and by the way, you have under a year to write this full season of television, while GRRM has been thinking about how to end the books for at least 10. all of this means you have to basically call an audible on whether or not certain arcs are going to pay off, and, if they are, whether they make for good television, and hence are worth writing. and you have to do that for every. single. unfinished. story. in the books.
here's an example: in the books, Quentin Martell goes on a quest to marry Daenerys and gain a dragon. many chapters are spent detailing this quest. spoiler alert: he fails, and he gets charbroiled by dragons. GRRM includes this plot to set up the actions of House Martell in Winds, but the problem is that we don't know what House Martell does in Winds, because (see above) the book DNE. So, although we can reliably bet that the showrunners understand (1) Daenerys is coming to Westeros with her 3 fantasy nukes, and (2) at some point they're gonna have to deal with the invasion of frozombies from Canada, that DOESN'T mean they necessarily know exactly what's going to happen to Dorne, or House Martell. i mean, fuck! we don't even know if Martin knows what's going to happen to Dorne or House Martell, because he's said he's the kind of writer who doesn't set shit out beforehand! so for every "Cersei defaults on millions of dragons in loans from the notorious Bank of Nobody Fucks With Us, assumes this will have no repercussions for her reign or Westerosi politics in general" plotline ā which might as well have a big glaring THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT stamp on top of the chapter heading ā you have Arianne Martell trying to do a coup/parent trap switcheroo with Myrcella, or Euron the Goffick Antichrist, or Faegon Targaryen and JonCon preparing a Blackfyre restoration, or anything else that might pan out āĀ but might not! And while that uncertainty about what's important to the "overall story" might be a realistic way of depicting human beings in a world ruled by chance and not Destiny, it makes for much better reading than viewing, because Game of Thrones as a fantasy television series was based on the first three books, which are much more traditional "there is a plot and main characters and you can generally tell who they are" kind of book. I see Feast and Dance as a kind of soft reboot for the series in this respect, because they recenter the story around a much larger cast and cast a much broader net in terms of which characters "deserve" narrative attention.
but if you're making a season of television, you can't do that, because you've already set up the basic premise and pacing of your story, and you can't suddenly pivot into a long-form tone poem about the horrors of war. so you have to cut something. but what are you gonna cut? bear in mind that you can't just Forget About Dorne, or the Iron Islands, or the Vale, or the North, or pretty much any region of the story, because it's all interconnected, but to fit in everything from the books would require pacing of the sort that no reasonable audience would ever tolerate. and bear in mind that the later books sprout a lot more of these baby-plots that could go somewhere, but also might end up being secondary or tertiary to the "main story," which, at the end of the day, is about dragons and ice zombies and the rot at the heart of the feudal power system glorified in classical fantasy. that's the story that you as the showrunner absolutely must give them an end to, and that's the story that should be your priority 1.
so you do a hack and slash job, and you mortar over whatever you cut out with storylines that you cook up yourself, but you can't go too far afield, because you still need all the characters more or less in place for the final showdown. so you pinch here and push credulity there, and you do your best to put the characters in more or less the same place they would have been if you kept the original, but on a shorter timeframe. and is it as good as the first seasons? of course not! because the material that you have is not suited to TV like the first seasons are. and not only that, but you are now working with source material that is actively fighting your attempt to constrain a linear and well-paced narrative on it. the text that you're working with changed structure when you weren't looking, and now you have to find some way to shanghai this new sprawling behemoth of a Thing into a television show. oh, and by the way, don't think that the (living) author of the source material will be any help with this, because even though he's got years of experience working in television writing, he doesn't actually know how all of these threads will tie together, which is possibly the reason that the next book has taken over 8 years (now 13 and counting) to write. oh and also, your showrunners are sick of this (in fairness, very difficult) job and they want to go write for star wars instead, so they've refused the extra time the studio offered them for pre-production and pushed through a bunch of first-draft scripts, creating a crunch culture of the type that spawns entirely avoidable mistakes, like, say, some poor set designer leaving a starbucks cup in frame.
anyway, that's what I think went wrong with game of thrones.
#using the tags as a footnote system here but in order:#1. quentin MAY not be dead according to some theories but in the text he is a charred corpse#2. arianne is great and i love her but to be honest. my girl is kinda dumb. just 2 b real.#3. faegon is totally a blackfyre i think it's so obvious it may well be text at this point#it's almost r+l = j level man like it's kind of just reading comprehension at this point#4. relatedly there are some characters i think GRRM has endings picked out for and some i think he specifically does NOT#i think stannis melisandre jon and daenerys all will end up the same. jon and dany war crimes => murder/banishment arc is just classic GRRM#but i think jon's reasoning will be different and it'll be better-written.#im sorry but babygirl shireen IS getting flambeed. in response stannis will commit epic battle suicide killing all boltons i hope#brienne will live but in some tragic 'stay awhile horatio' capacity. likely she will try to die defending her liege and fail#faegon will die there's zero chance blackfyres win ever#now jaime/cersei I do NOT think he knows. my brothers in christ i don't think this motherfucker knows who the valonqar is!!#same with tyrion i think that the author in GRRM wants to do a nasty corruption arc + kill him off but the person in him loves him too much#sansa i have no goddamn idea what's going to happen. we just don't know enough about the northern conspiracy to tell#w/ arya i think he has... ideas. i don't think she's going to sail off to Explore i am almost certain that the show doing that was a cover#because the actual idea he gave them was unsavory or nonviable for some reason. bc like.#why would arya leave bran and jon and sansa? the family she's just spent her whole life fighting to come back to and avenge?#this is suspicious this does not feel like arya this does not feel right#bran will not be king or if he is it'll be in a VERY different way not the dumbfuck 'let's vote' bullshit#i personally think bran is going to go full corruption arc and become possessed by the 3 eyed raven. but that could be a pipe dream#the thing is he's way too OP in the show so the books have to nerf him and i think GRRM is still trying to work out#a way to actually do that.#i don't think he told them what happened with littlefinger or sansa. i think sansa's story is vaguely similar#(stark restoration through the female line etc)#but the queen in the north shit is way too contrived frankly. and selfishly i hope she gets something different#being a monarch in ASOIAF is not a happy ending. we know this from the moment we meet robert baratheon in AGOT#and we learn exactly what GRRM thinks of the people who 'win' these endless wars of succession#and they are not heroes#they are not celebrated#and they are neither safe nor happy
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#I have this idea Im trying to write but fuck itās difficult#Basicallyā¦ only Bucky (and Clint) are the only ones that believe that Old!Steve wasnt Steve at all#everyone else treat them like theyāre delusional and they should actually grieve Steve#whileā¦ Steve is out there in a prison trying his best to go back to Bucky and Sam (even tho he doesnāt know Sam already gave up on him)#I made two ficlets already but I still need to bullshit my way through a lot of plot#im actually considering watching some shows to have a more accurate view and understanding on lore lmao#even tho I hate the new shows#ignore I wrote only two times in the same sentence onfg thsgs why I dont write anything ever#also dislexia#stucky#post endgame Stucky#fuck canon#Old!Steve is a skrull#steve rogers#bucky barnes#more sketches#im actually going to finish this! but Im going to use it for the fic I donāt know if Ill be able to finish or write correctly#i will try my best#same with other ideas I have that have a lot of lore#Why am i doing this to myself? because Im a dumbass#thats why#also I love Stucky with my all bc theyāre one of my otps
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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#life isn't fair and that's okay#like we as a society could do better and THAT is unfair but that isn't LIFE itself#so our cat dying is hard but I don't lament the unfairness because there is no controlling that#i accept it#because the whole time we have had him has been so beautiful and the fact that we ever knew him is so unlikely#it almost offsets it in a way#that loving them is always stolen time because they are so temporary#but that doesn't mean I'm not falling apart and scared and trying to do the right thing with almost nothing to work with but love#and my boyfriend isn't okay because raleigh is his heart cat and as best i can tell is his first heart animal#and he has never had a pet loss like this#and supporting him through it has just been love and helplessness dancing hand in hand#unable to change anything#i can do this emotionally but materially we just...ran out of everything this month#and for the first time in a long time we are going to be completely dry BEFORE we can cover pet expenses#and i know it wasn't irresponsibility it was just a storm of bullshit happening all at once but i still feel so terrible#i wish there had been a way to do better enough to have made a difference#it doesn't tear me apart that my cat is dying it#tears me apart that his mouth hurts and I have to beg for help to feed him#i wish it wasn't him#i wasn't expecting it to be him#and i feel terrible about that too
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Is this fanfic friendly? I feel like an outlier.
I guess this is my sign it's time to throw together a FAQ post to link to lol.
Yes, every event for this blog is fanfic friendly :D
Though as I mentioned on my Ominous October post, for events that include multiple short stories, I encourage everyone to flex their creativity and take one of their planned short story fanfics, and at least *attempt* to turn one of them into something entirely original; rebuilding a character and story from the ground up to stand on its own two legs is no easy feat, and that is what makes it so fun!
It really gets your creative gears turning, to make an "au of an existing material" to be something entirely original, and you can be pleasantly surprised about the things you come up with!
As a few people say, its not just a matter of "filing the serial numbers off" -- you have to add in just as much *or more* as what you take out when you are turning a fanfiction into something that is original and completely divorced from its original source material / inspiration, and that is a hard, but very rewarding challenge!
Obviously, this is not a requirement (there's no hard requirements for any of the challenges, other than no cheating, including no using AI),
but if you would like an extra challenge for the short story events and you're planning on doing entirely fan-fiction, I highly recommend trying it out at least once, and seeing where it leads you--
you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by what you find down that rabbit hole!
#replies#novella november#long rambly tags to follow lol#including anti royalist / anti billionaire shit#ominous october#this is what my novella november is going to be#something that WAS a huge earth-shattering fanfic AU#but before I even got past a WIP Oneshot I'd already realized that what I was planning was going to turn canon so far on its head it would#be unrecognizable and it would be much better off and more coherent if I made it entirely original#so now it is!#not only does this involve changing every single characters name#everyone is now a completely different species other than human because thats always fun#and of course we're also tackling all the issues that had annoyed me in omega verse fics since I was like 14 and liked the#creature aspects but hated the biological essentialism and misogny / caste systems#if your fantasy people have an enforced caste system you gotta actually treat that like the horror and systemic oppression it is#not just say 'biological = right' like dude what do you think people have been saying about real women this whole time????#people literally insist women are biologically inferior to men do you really think supporting that idea is going to make you sound#progressive just because your main character is a tomboy independant woman?#also like she lost all her independence as soon as she found a man to marry so uhhhhh#what happened to being ready and willing to hit the bricks if people kept talking down to you and condescending you for being a woman????#why did you go from independant badass tomboy to fainting damsel who spends all her time worrying about failing to produce an heir#so her husband can take power#instead of just straight up telling your husband#'hey I don't want to deal with the bullshit from your father how about we do the-#- socially acceptable thing and just go off to make our own independant settlement with some of the villagers who are on your side'#like your husband would literally be escstatic about this idea of finally getting out from under his dad's tyrannical thumb#and its more like way more than half the villagers would go with you not just a handful#theyve been sick of the kings shit for years and only your husband's potential rise to rule kept them in check#cus he actually cares about the villagers and goes among them#while still clearly having some biases to work through when it comes to class and gender equality
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the way literally every fucking person has been REPULSIVE about euthanasia lately.
#they just crawl out of the woodwork#'oh spiralingbackto is grieving? time to get all the way on my bullshit and make her life literally horrible'#i cant count on one hand the maount of people who have sneered and said gross when i said im putting my mouse down.#i cant count how many people told me to just give them rat poison; to drown them; or to give them antifreeze.#'im not trying to be rude but why not just give them rat poison' ok well youre being extremely fucking rude. shut your goddamn mouth.#'im not trying to be rude but have you considered giving your infant with pneumonia bleach? yknow.. just end it?' that's what you sound lik#i cant count how many people have laughed.#even at the fucking vets office i could hear through the door a bunch of vet techs go up and say 'oh ew! even looking at it is grossing me#out! oh my god is that a mouse! gross!'#and my personal favorite i heard while i was sitting there crying over my mouse dying was 'im so sick of this seriously this is my third#today. im so about to just say screw it and not taking anyone else in today. had two#euths before lunch and now this? im so over it'#while literally laughing.#which was incredible to know that was the people surrounding my mouse as she died.#those are the people she was with in her last minutes.#and then they handed her to me wrapped in a fucking puppy pad.#(im already looking into different exotic vets to go to next time bc im not going back there)#but it isnt even just about my mice because when i put my cat down suddenly#one of my roommates was saying such dsgusting things.#i dont even remmeber what exactly because it was too distressing#most ive gotten is a 'ohhh how sad' this entire time !! :)#or people telling me about how they put their animals down and how im being a burden by causing them to remember it#:)#it would be nice to have even a single person in my real life who gives half a shit about me
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today just will not let me rest huh. reasons are in the tags but i get very emotional just be warned
#hush n shush wifi#just a tad sad#actually more like angry as shit#okay let me TELL YALL about my day#first: the annoying#i was going shopping at a grocery warehouse and you know how those parking lots are always super crowded?#well it was. there were no parking spots and there were so many cars and people trying to go everywhere#i scraped my wheels too which is fine but one of my relatives who likes cars acts like it's a sin#so that shook me up enough that i didn't go outside for the rest of the day#and THEN#OHHHH AND FUCKING THEN.#if anyone remembers the absolute ass of a person from last year who i thought was my friend but said horrible things to me out of the blue#WELL THEY CAME BACK#i never got a chance to block them initially because they blocked me first#BUT I GOT FUCKING MESSAGES FROM THEM TONIGHT#AND ALL THEY WERE SAYING WAS ESSENTIALLY THAT THEY MEANT WHAT THEY SAID#they said some bullshit about the execution being wrong and that their ex wrote it for them#which by the way is just scummy on its own#and that they get mad emotionally which is a horrible excuse#and had the AUDACITY TO ASK IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS#IN WHAT DELUDED SELF CENTERED WORLD DO YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN TO THINK I WOULD EVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN#my trust is a VERY VERY FRAGILE THING#AND THIS IS A VERY LARGE CONTRIBUTOR TO IT#this isn't an apology. they regret none of it#this is a way for them to make themself feel better#the scariest part is that this person by now is almost/IS an adult#which is terrifying if that means there are more people like that out there#i try not to wish ill will but i genuinely hope no one ever has to suffer through being their 'friend' ever again#anyways they're blocked on all of my platforms now.#if the person is somehow reading this. hi! never talk to me again. you're a horrible human being with no consideration for other's feelings
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now Iām off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because theyāre insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they donāt let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didnāt have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so ā¦ ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but Iām in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, Iām going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isnāt the first time theyāve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. Iām genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because Iām so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because youāre telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, yāall share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then donāt fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because youāre just constantly making shit worse on people since you canāt seem to not fuck around with these meds and not āloseā scripts. fuck out of here.
and Iām pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and Iād still have to walk my ass to one of the ATMās nearby because they donāt accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. š«
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while Iām laying on my fucking side, Iāve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon theyāll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, Iām nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and Iām moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
Iām just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just ā¦ not exist ā¦ for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now š« š
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldnāt cost me $250 ā¦ā¦.. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ā¦ā¦..#but I donāt have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it š« #nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know Iām being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and Iām fucking over it.#plus Iām the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed Iāve got her#all because she couldnāt afford it so I said Iād cover it and she never paid me back. Iāve bought her at least a grandās worth of weed#just over the last couple months and sheās never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ā¦ā¦ā¦ I donāt expect it. I give if I have it. but you canāt even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another āfriendā because they donāt even OFFER to be considerate#of course Iād say not to worry about it but it doesnāt even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but canāt reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because sheās always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you canāt play that you donāt have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that Iām buying every once in a fucking while when Iām already paying for everything fucking else#Iām so angry and I know Iām being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when youāre tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and arenāt so bitter when youāre let down š« š« š« #because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and Iām just.#I actually fucking give up. I donāt even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just canāt fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when Iām off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control itās going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I wonāt feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and thatās fucking bullshit. Iām going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since itāll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. Iām self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because itāll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I canāt control my mind like this. Iām so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and Iāve only been off them for two days
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i think human nature/family of blood is a really good two parter in how it manages to show how full of shit ten is š«¶
#look . i LOVE ten . esp whatevers going on w him in s3 he's horrible and i like that#but just !! martha :(#its so incredibly unfair to martha he doesnt unleash his wrath on the Family he chooses to hide instead and okay yeah fair#and sure u can say the tardis chose the setting and time period for them to hide in but like#did that not filter in to his calculations he went through all that turned himself human put his friendship with martha to the test in#the worst way possible. knowing she wouldn't let herself leave him even if he was Abhorrent towards her (and he was) because#of her duty to the universe and beyond and whatever . to blend in and keep the Family off their tails#and she's put in a demeaning position and degraded and even he doesn't seem to care much for her but she still hangs on#and then in the end its like its all for naught. all that pain and suffering martha went through being the only one w her wits about her#he had the capacity to deal w the threat the whole time he had the ability to dole out a horrible punishment he could definitely#have dealt with them a different way than that too .#and instead in his quest to be the bigger person he ends up putting martha through the horrors and then#does the same with the Family anyway ! i dont think he can ever tell her how harshly he dealt with them#surely this isnt an original thought im just thinking Way too much about blue moon by niki#he Does care more about being good than being good to her specifically !! and its so upsetting theyre so volatile i miss them#its more complicated than that sure but at the same time. it sort of isnt .#anyway martha jones my love my life u deserved at least a billion apologies alongside the thanks like god . whats wrong w him#oh and also he wants to move on without properly talking about it . act as if it never happened#like girl be fucking considerate for ONCE she just went through a personal hell for you !!! how insanely lonely she must of been#i dont believe martha ever let him just brush past it w no acknowledgement like yes i think she definitely didnt want to discuss the#accidental confession but i Do think she would sit him down to finally get him to Accept he cant just take her wherever in the past#if he's not ready to look out for her . its a vital conversation i think they need to have otherwise martha would just walk out there#not even love could make her stay through that its been established already she has the strength to try walk away#and also to try and but through his bullshit and demand answers . and here more than ever she deserves his acknowledgement and he Knows it
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This book I got to scan for otherkin talks about quantum physics-based magic. I literally cannot escape quantum physics-based magic systems. Can Guilty Gear just like give me a moment, ok, for getting me consistently into this mess. I need to throttle Dr. Paradigm. My brain is getting so wrinkled from having to learn about quantum theory and particle theory and Planck's Constant and Heisenberg's Principle and Bohr models... At least it's in English this time. I GUESS.
#textpost#I started doing the damn Khan Academy course on all this nonsense because I just know I'll have to deal with it more later#Might as know what the hell I'm reading about this time. Save me hours of researching I could spend PUMMELING PARADIGM#I don't really understand it as much as I wish I could but if I can at least ID the terms and the basic stuff then that's fine#If I know what I'm looking at then that's enough to bullshit my way through a project#Translating Japanese requires a lot of brain power but the only time I've ever had to really strain my neurons was#with Paradigms story from the Overture Material Collection#Reading about pseudoscience magic in a second language polar opposite your native one is like. Oh god why#I actually got headaches trying to figure that one out. It has minor errors. Some day I'll fix them
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Want to know why I never trust the "protect the children!" crowd?
Almost always the people doing really harmful shit, or even very potentially harmful shit, to children are in that crowd.
They're often the type that circulate actual CSA materials as a bizarre gotcha to people they are bullying and calling pedos (as an example, remember the campaign against ao3 staff a while back were policy and abuse volunteers were getting sent this shit).
They are also frequently the ones to include graphic violence and implied or actual graphic sexual abuse in fics deliberately mislabled as General Audiences and tagged in a way that makes the fic seem like harmless fluff. All because they want to harass a group of people and don't care if children and teens stumble upon it. Technically children shouldn't be on ao3 (at least not as registered users since the ToS require you to be at least 13), and generally I say that it's up to children who do go to ao3 to be careful of what they read and mind the tags and ratings. But how can they do that if you deliberately mistag and misrate your fic.
In short, "protect the children" is more often than not a dog whistle. It can be one for the "we must control our children and everything they learn" crowd (frequently but not always evangelicals here in the US) or it can be one for the "I need a weapon to dehumanize, attack and traumatize those I dislike and this serves as both a weapon and a cover for my harassment and abuse of others. After all, I can just say I'm doing this horrible things to protect innocents even though I'm actually deliberately harming or setting up potential harm to children through my actions." Often it's a mix of the two camps. Ultimately, they don't actually care about children, it's just a nice smokescreen.
#some people are assholes#culture#dogwhistles#weaponized language#harassment and bullying through a so called righteous lens is still harassment and bullying#oh and if you're in the 911 fandom#you might want to avoid anon fics for a good long while#assholes are being assholes there#and you are likely to get seriously traumatized if you aren't careful#my advice for dealing with them#talk about the awful behavior and if you see it happening in your fandom circles block those doing it or supporting it#talk about why you are blocking and muting folks left write and center on your own blog#but don't interact directly with the assholes#unless it is someone you feel comfortable with calling on their bullshit#i.e. if it's a mutual I've known for a while I might message them and ask if they understand how harmful and ugly that behavior is#but generally this folks are not going to change their minds and want all the attention they can get#depriving them of that attention by not talking to them bothers them way more than anything else
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@hphm-ship-week Prompt 1: Dance
A short and sweet one to start the week off!
Ship: Gracie/Merula šš
Date: November 2nd, 1998 (married for almost four months)
"This is stupid, Chiva," Merula said, her signature haughty frown firmly on her face.
Gracie, however, had a ridiculous grin as she turned the volume up on their new muggle CD player, some song she'd never heard of blasting through their home. Since they'd moved in together she'd slowly been convincing Merula to incorporate more and more "technology" into their lives - the television being the greatest success so far - and she knew that as much as Merula protested, she'd be on board by the end of the day.
"It's music!" Gracie said.
Merula scoffed. "It's noise is what it is. Turn it off."
"Rula, muggle music isn't that different from wizard music."
She was lying, a little bit. This particular song had some strange noises that Gracie didn't think could come from the instruments she was acquainted with, and it was hard to make out what the singer was even saying.
"It sucks and I want it out of my house."
Gracie raised her eyebrows. "Whose house?"
Just as expected, Merula flushed and looked to the side, crossing her arms. "Shut up."
"It's our house," Gracie answered herself, coming up beside Merula to rest annoyingly against her shoulder. "And this is our CD player."
"It's your damn CD player," Merula protested.
Shaking her head in amusement, Gracie walked over to the pile of CDs she'd picked up at random and looked for one that would be a little closer to the type of music they were used to. It was unfortunately hard to tell. One CD with a red cover seemed like a good bet, so she popped out the loud noisy one and set the red one in instead. This one had recognizable instruments like guitar and piano, and the woman was singing about love. Much better.
Gracie turned back around to find Merula still pouting with her arms folded, watching her. Caught staring, Merula huffed and turned her head away again. Merlin, Gracie had to pick the stubborn one, didn't she? Feeling immensely fond, she crossed the room to take Merula's hands, despite the emphatic protests, and pulled her to the middle of the room to twirl her.
"Gracie," Merula warned, but the flush on her cheeks was deepening.
"Come on," Gracie teased. "Can you fault me for wanting to dance with the Most Powerful Witch in the World?"
The title earned her an eye roll, but it also earned her a more cooperative dance partner. And if after a few songs Merula did eventually start to enjoy herself, even going as far as to dip her far more suavely than expected, Gracie was wise enough not to comment on it.
Much.
#hogwarts mystery#hphmshipweek24#gracie chiva#merula snyde#gracula#my writing#HAD to start with my main girls#they get to be happy after all the bullshit I put them through!!#none of the music mentioned is supposed to actually be anything by the way#I'm not really into 90s music š¤·āāļø#trying out scheduling posts since I know for damn sure I will NOT be awake early enough to post this myself#edit: I'm awake but I'm leaving the other two schedueld anyway because who knows how long that'll last
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Day 31/October 31: Halloween || Death || Costumes
never forget the skeleton had hair
#ITS ONLY LATE IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ITS LATE#of COOURSE halloween week had to be my busiest week#if it isnāt clear they dragged his skeleton back up and used it as halloween decor#ignore the shading and lighting and skeleton anatomy and pumpkin and path i actually have no idea how to do it#i was bullshitting my way through it all i slapped shorts on him cause i didnāt want to figure that out#i dont love it but i dont overly hate it so call that a win win#TUMBLR DELETED ALL MY TAGS WHAT THE FUCK#i dont remember any more of them#anyways end of morrotober guys it was fun thank you morrotober for hosting#even though there were like 4 or so of us consistently participating#what do i do now#ive fully committed to being back so ill do more probably#but i can only do shitposts unless otherwise given clear instructions#morrotober was good for me tbh i was forced to do more art this month than i ever did in my entire life and i think im improving#im experimenting at least thats good#i think im developing a style i like using bright as fuck contrasting lighting#and a MORRO DESIGN finally after all these months#ninjago#lego ninjago#morro ninjago#ninjago morro#morro wu#morrotober 2023#morrotober2023#morrotober#jellos scribbles
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like itās so. i donāt want to say isolated necessarily. but so much itās own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i donāt think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and itās like. cmon. wouldnāt it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like iām like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isnāt within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesnāt actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place iām in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think itās making this worse. especially because itās henryās dadās local#and where henryās wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. itās like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and itās going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i havenāt even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadnāt come back iād be in a normal mental state#by now. thatās the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i donāt want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like itās not even worth the effort because itās so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i canāt deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and itās so exhausting and i canāt sleep and thereās so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#iāve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Okay, season 3
I found it tiring and repetitive. didn't need 10 episodes. 8 was enough. just like previous seasons.Ā Ā
Carmen in this maniac episode was almost insufferable to watch. Everybody on here was waiting for him to be down, but the writers couldāve done better, and Christopher Storer couldāve shown us better.
First of all, his relationship with Claire wasn't that deep. I know it's all in Carmyās head, the way he visualizes her etc, and yes I have a high degree of myopia, but this was not shown in s2. It makes me mad watching this lack of commitment with his partner and sister in an opening business.
I care about Camy, and itās so tragic that he canāt get out of this cycle of abuse. but Iām a human, and sometimes I really wanna beat him. I know he's trying, but this man needs to take his head off his ass asap. Showing his situation with one hundred flashbacks was monotonous to watch.Ā
About Sydney, Iām so mad how they wrote her this season. Are they gonna end this show without showing us a center episode of her??? this season was a perfect moment to develop ONE OF THE LEAD CHARACTER OF THE SHOW!!!
My girl was passing for so much and alone, but the writers were like, nah, letās show bad comedy with the Faks instead. Put a woman to babysit Carmen and Richie, two grown-up men for the entire season, itās insane. (she's so much better than me)
I love Sydney so much, and we know she would rather get a shot than talk about her private life with anyone, but I need her to fight. I need her to speak.Ā The panic attack scene breaks my heart, I don't think is all carmy's fault. It was a mix of everything. Fear of the future, insecure about everything, thinking about her found family and the possibility of losing them, starting a new business all over again (when she spoke on s2 that she didn't have in her to try again), fear of failure again. But I wish they had shown it better from her pov. They should have improved this part.Ā
I ended this season with a bitter feeling. Itās not a good writing job to have ten episodes of preparation to be resolved in the future.Ā
(And since Christopher Storer likes Taylor Swift so much, he should take all this hate train and enter his reputation era, and give us a better script in s4. #i think the bear is gonna finish in s4, so lets be productive and finish the show in a good way. please, all this with Joana Calo by his side, let her write!)
I loved Tinaās episode (thank god Ayo directed the best one), ice chips were insanely good. Abby Elliott and Jaime Lee Curtis!!!!!111!1 and the first episode was so well edited and directed. i love those actors very much so, they are so talented.
#r.i.p to i'm sorry in sign by sydcarmy#will forever be in our hearts#they forgot to mention that cabinet full of medicines in sydney father house#thank god syd and emmanuel are healthy#that last party scene was so ??? so random and out of character#maybe i'm acid right now#i threw so much energy into the universe asking for sydcarmy parallels but#i didn't imagine i would receive sydney going through the fucked up cycle of abuse that carmy went in ny#AND WHY SHARE SYDNEY TATTOOS IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TWLL ME ABOUT THEM?#carmen berzatto heard about his sister's baby??#no fak brother in s4#don't you also think it's crazy that carmen hasn't spoken to his mother yet?#i hope the purpose of separating sydcarmy is entirely for them to develop in s4 (distancing forever or trusting each other one more time)#if this was a way to try erase sydcarmy shippers and all this āprestige tv have no romance blablablaā bullshit#it would be the dumbest decision i've ever seen in my life#imagine having JAW and Ayo insane chemistry and choose not to give them screen-time together#(and i not even talking about romantically i would accept āplatonicā in this season)#sydcarmy must argue#i wish it had been in this season#the bear
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