#Honestly research is what I do best thats why im a scientist

[cosmos-coma]

Prey of the Hunt- Chapter 6

A/N: Hey! This one took a bit longer than expected and I had some trouble making the dreams and foreshadowing flow together for the reveal. BUT! that’s fine, it’s reveal time!

Pairing: Eskel x Reader

Word Count: ~3.5k

Summary: You finally remember everything about your past, who you are, and... you even speak your first words here at the Keep.

Chapter 7

_____________________________

As dinner concluded and everyone was pooling their dirty dishes together to be washed Eskel tugged you off to the side. His hand just graced the small of your back as you moved with him to a spot that felt more private, but you know you could only have so much privacy amongst a family of wolf-like ears. 

“How are you holding up? After training I mean” he asked as you two stopped, his hand sliding from your back to down your arm with a tender touch until he captured your hand in his.

“Little sore” you rubbed your arm gently in a few of the spots you got hit during the remainder of your training. “And you? You must be sore after that fall” you chuckled under your breath, being met with a short snort of a laugh from him.

“I’ll be fine, thank you…” He said with a shake of his head, “I always knew you’d sweep me off my feet, but not like this.” He grinned widely as the color bloomed in your cheeks. “But that’s not what I wanted to ask about- I know that sometimes you have trouble sleeping after long and eventful days like this and- well, if you wanted, you’re welcome to come sleep next to me tonight...” He offered as his other hand tested the waters and brushed along your hip to keep you close.

But you didn’t need a hand to keep you close as your cheeks reddened in a pink heat. “I would like that… They hardly bother me when you’re near.” you mouthed with a sheepish smile. 

The quick, but very present grin that crossed his face sent fuzzy sensations through your chest. “Perfect…. I have to go talk with my brothers, so I can meet you in my room in a little while, Okay? I'll try not to be too long…” he squeezed your hand gently, bringing it up so that your knuckles just grazed his cheek and lips. “Go get yourself comfortable… I’ll be there soon” he told you and pressed a more firm kiss against your fingers before heading off towards the kitchens, leaving you to blink in surprise as you took it in.  

Your heart was racing like nothing else as he turned away, though you suspected he wasn’t too different at the moment either. A smile grew on your face as you watched him slip through the door, forcing you to bite your lip to keep it all contained . 

Without much dallying you made your way towards Eskel’s room, getting everything comfortable for the both of you and climbing into bed to wait for him. 

And you waited. 

‘I guess it’s a long talk…’ you thought to yourself as you yawned and curled further into the blankets. ‘Surely Eskel wouldn’t mind if I fell sleep without him… just a little.. I'll wake up when he comes in.’  You assured yourself as you let yourself drift off into sleep 

____________

You had grown to recognize by now, when you were deep in a dream. Some of your senses felt stifled while others had moments of being heightened. Right now your sense of pain was what was clear as day. 

You were training in the courtyard of that palace you had dreamed of before. Surrounding you was a semi-circle of tall stoic-faced elves, their eyes a range of pale blues and greens that looked far deeper within your character than you liked. On one end of this semi-circle stood Eredin, King of the Wild Hunt, who stalked slowly around to get the best view available while you faced off against Geralt. 

Geralt… he was there?

He didn’t have the scar over his eye you knew he had now, and he held a much colder and more focused expression than he did as you knew him now- thought, to be fair, so did you. 

It was just like your sparring match earlier in the Keep, many of the moves flowing into each other the same way they had just hours ago. Your body moved on auto pilot as you fought against him, staff against sword. Your arms and legs ached from the endless hours of going through the motions you had gone through before, but you dared not let it slow you down lest you be reprimanded for it. 

You could hear the spectators murmuring as you narrowly dodged a swipe from his sword. It filled your head with a chattering anxiety that you forced not to show on your face despite how it began to deafen your ears to all else. 

You had become so consumed with how you were performing each small movement in your training that you registered Geralt just half a second too late. His sword came down like a hammer, intending to end the fight; however dream you- or maybe past you- was not prepared for it like you were at the Keep and instead of blocking it, you got caught across the cheek as you shifted away to dodge. 

So Geralt had given me that scar.

Eredin’s hand raised as blood was drawn from your fresh cut. The sparring session was now over and you had lost; you knew what that meant. 

WIthout warning your feet were swept from beneath you by a staff, your legs coming forward as you fell back onto your butt hard as the shockwave traveled through your body and forced the air from your lungs. Murmurings and snickers emanated from your older comrades as they watched you get humiliated. You coughed to try and force air back into your lungs and winced as you moved to stand, trying not to look at Geralt’s subtle look of guilt and pity as you did. 

“Aedd Gynvael…” Eredin said, referring to you as he shook his head in disappointment. “You’ll have to work much harder than that to be an effective rider. Because you are young will be no excuse.” he spoke in a quiet yet harsh tone that hurt more than the humiliation did as it hit your ears. “If you do not show me that you can keep up I will go back and take your mother as I initially intended…” he threatened. It was a familiar threat to your ears by that time, yet it had never stopped scarring you. 

You only dared to nod in reply. “Yes, my king….”

Your dream then jumped to another movement in time. You were walking down a hallway when you passed by a tall standing mirror and were forced to pause. You leaned in and looked over your face, the old scar traced over your nose, and the new, but healing cut running down the flesh of your cheek. You poked and prodded it as you watched to feel the ache that came with it.

“Hmm” you hummed a bit as you took a step back to fully see your self. You were clad in Iron armor, the little ornamental filigree having been worn away in most areas, but it was still present here and there. It was clunky and a little loud- but you had since grown comfortable in it. 

You held a helmet tucked under your arm possessively, Its skull like shape acting as a sense of odd comfort in that moment. It already had an etched line across the nose that matched that scar of yours, both of them were worn into smooth indents by the passage of time. However there was a new line engraved on the helmet, still sharp from being done by unprofessional hands. It was pulled across the cheek exactly where your fresh cut sat. 

“Why do you always scratch up your helmet like that, Gynvael?” Geralt’s voice came from out of nowhere beside you, causing you to jump in surprise. Despite the momentary shock, It was a familiar and friendly tone that you came to welcome it with open arms- well, friendly compared to everyone else there. 

You threw a small, barely there smile his direction and looked down at your helmet. “Well, I know we’re supposed to be faceless riders in a way” You spoke, looking deep into those sockets. “Meant to invoke fear and mystery… but part of me-” You paused as you frowned in thought. “Part of me doesn't want my actions to become something faceless. I deserve to recognize myself in the things I've done- whether I like it or not.” 

As you looked back at Geralt, your conscious mind seemed to recall the friendship you and Geralt had shared. Your bonds forged over your shared experience with the Wild Hunt; how you both stepped in to take the place of the people you cared about, how you both recoiled over the blood on your hands at the end of each day, and how you both longed for nothing more than to leave this plane. 

Your dream jumped again before Geralt could reply, and now you were hidden away in an old garden, away from prying eyes as you said goodbye. A young woman with ashen hair- who you recall having visited this place many moons ago was now helping Geralt finally make his escape. 

“We need to leave soon, Geralt- or we’re going to attract suspicion.” She said, her head swiveling back and forth to make sure they were still safe before turning to you. “I’m sorry I don’t have the power to take you with, but I can only transport one person at a time.” Her expression held genuine regret as she looked back to you, but you only shook your head. 

“It’s okay… I’m sure I’ll find another way.” You assured, but even you struggled to believe it anymore, but she didn’t need to know that.

“If you do happen to find your way out, ” Geralt said “Go to Kaer Morhen. You’ll be welcome there amongst my brothers. Just keep heading northeast  through the Blue Mountains and you’ll spot it.” His arms stretched out for a quick parting hug which you gladly took. It had been so nice to have a companion with you for a few of weeks that you were there, someone who didn’t crave humiliation and pain from you the way the others did. 

They both turned towards a thick hedge wall, ready to make their escape with the power this ashen haired woman held- when she stopped, and turned back around.

“Listen I - I have a friend around here. He’s a bit harder to find, only resides deep in the forests here in Tir Na Lia. His name is Ihuarraquax- It’s a fuckin’ mouthfull, I know. But if you tell him I sent you he should help you get out like he helped me…” she said, nodding in satisfaction as some of the guilt of leaving you left her consciousness. 

“Thank you. I’ll keep my eyes out, but you two should go. Travel safe, okay? I'll keep Eredin busy…” You promised and waved as you watched the young woman take his hand and flash away in a greenish light. Quickly the light faded and you were left alone again in the gardens, the darkness of night descending around you.

When you awoke with a start, your chest was tight and twisted- void of breath until your lungs finally managed to pull a small amount in, causing you to heave until you could catch your breath. Your head hurt worse than it ever had before as you felt your memories flooding back like a tsunami charged by the eruption of your dreams. Everything of who you were, what you did, why you were where you were became increasingly clear as the sediment settled.

Through squinted eyes you scanned the room, but Eskel had still not returned. Flinging the blankets from the bed, you sprung up and out of the room as your legs ran at full speed. Down the hall you went, pads of your feet slapping against stone, but you didn’t have the wherewithal couldn’t feel the cold you usually did. 

“Y/n?” you heard from the end of the hall as you rounded a corner, almost slipping in your rush. Eskel watched you as you raced towards him, arms extending to receive you as you came barreling straight into his embrace. Your arms wrapped tight around him as your bodies connected, hands gently fisting his tunic between your fingers.

“Y/n, what happened? Was it another dream? Did something-” he started, but quickly cut himself short as a new noise came. 

“Eskel….” you whispered out, voice raspy and unused this entire season until now. “Eskel….” you whispered again, relishing his name as it finally slid off your tongue the way it couldn’t weeks ago. 

“Y/n…” he replied in shock and awe as your voice hit his ears. He had been waiting for this moment ever since you first showed up in the keep, and even though you sounded like an old chain-smoker right now it was the most delightful sound he’s gotten to experience to date. 

“Eskel,” You started again and cleared your throat in an effort to return your normal voice. “ I know who I am….”

___________

It was the wee hours of the morning as you sat around the table with the four Witchers. Each of them had a drink in their hands to sip through as you talked, while you nursed a mug of tea to keep your voice going through it’s new amount of use. 

“I am Y/n, rider of the Wild Hunt,and known to them as Aedd Gynvael.” you started your tale.

From there you regaled everything you’d put together thus far. When you were younger your full elf mother performed an act of magic in order to save your father that must have unintentionally attracted the Wild Hunt. You instead took her place- albeit unwillingly- and joined the Hunt as a fellow rider. You learned to hone bits of magic there, you learned Elder speech, and how to defend yourself. You trained for what seemed like endless hours, raided a multitude of villages, and saw your hands covered in more blood than you cared to admit. 

During this time, Geralt had become a rider. He wasn’t who you all were aiming for, Eredin reportedly wanted some sorceress named Yennefer- but Geralt had stepped in for her instead. It wasn’t long after that that you and Geralt grew into friends over your shared experiences and shared disdain for the King of the Wild Hunt. 

However, it felt like Geralt was only there for a blip of your own imprisonment, and within no time an ashen haired woman had come to help him escape. 

“Lara- No… no, it was a C it started with… Cirilla! She told me about a friend that had helped her escape. It took a while for me to find him between the raids on the continent and the various training but eventually he opened a portal for me and I was able to get out.” you finished and took a slow sip of tea to sooth your vocal chords.

Eskel and Lambert spoke quietly to each other, seemingly bouncing their understandings off of each other. Geralt however, had a look of recognition come across his face when you mentioned your elder nickname and it only grew stronger as you explained all that had happened to you. 

He hummed in thought before he finally looked to you and spoke. “Gynvael…. That’s why I struggled to recognize you here; I’d never heard you called anything else,” a small amiable smile crossed his expression. “And- Sorry about the scar I guess…. “

You smiled back and nodded that it was okay, before turning to meet the next question. 

“So, why were you called Aedd Gynvael…?” Eskel asked, his hand present on yours in a constant comfort as his face conveyed a genuine curiosity.

“It was a cruel joke… It means ‘shards of ice’ in Elder. The story goes that those hit with the fabled shards of ice become dull, unhappy, and empty as they search endlessly for the ‘Snow Queen’ of legend. They usually end up freezing to death in their search”. You shook your head as the bitter taste of irony  hit your tongue. “But the Snow Queen is really just the Wild Hunt. Eredin thought it was cruelly funny that I really had found the Snow Queen, but still remained empty.” You sighed as you squeezed Eskel’s hand tight as you bit your tongue from saying more. Your tensed muscles gradually loosened and  channeled your anger out of the rest of your body as you did. 

Eskel nodded slowly, a similar anger smoldering in his golden eyes like hot embers as he heard your explanation. However, with a soft press of your lips against his knuckles it was tampered down once again to something manageable. 

“I have a question-” Lambert stated to get your attention, “How long were you a rider? It just seems like a lot of memories to lose.” 

“Well, I think it was just a few months… 7 or so, by Tir Na Lia’s calendars.”

Geralt piped in again at this point, “however, time moves slower there than it does on this plane. I was gone for a few weeks I thought, but here it had been 2 years… Its 1266 now, so…”

You nodded and thought back through it as you did some mental math. “So I’ve been gone a little longer than 11 years….” You said, matter-of-factly. You wish you could sound sadder at this, at the wasted years of your life, but riding with the Hunt had been all you knew. There was nothing else to feel that you missed. 

Vesemir nodded as all the pieces of your puzzle came together. “That explains a lot… like why you tend to dream of winter and bodies, why none of the modern descriptions of these towns seem right to you, why Geralt and you recognized each other…” 

You nodded, continuing his sentiments “- why I saw a rider in the mirror, and why I knew exactly where to find Kaer Morhen���.

Everyone grew quiet and nodded as they took in the entirety of the situation and replayed the events of the last few weeks over in their minds. 

After the quiet had settled in fully, Lambert was the one to speak up and break the silence. “So… where do we go from here?” He asked, looking around at everyone.

It took another moment of thoughtful silence before you finally responded. “Well, Eredin gave up on the first chase- and I’m hardly the most valuable rider he has. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about unless he gets a good offer and can kill two birds with one stone- so to speak.” 

Vesemir nodded and leaned back in his chair as he listened to you finish before giving the closing remarks. “ Well, if he hasn’t shown up already he probably wont. But we can keep our eyes open just in case, and it wouldn’t hurt to reinforce the Keep for either possibility.” He stood up and downed the rest of his drink. “For now, all of you just get some sleep and we can deal with it more in the morning.” He dismissed and made his way off to bed. 

Geralt and Lambert quietly said their goodnights and went off to their respective rooms, while you and Eskel stayed behind and waited for everyone to leave.

“Eskel…” you sighed heavily- as if your entire soul was exiting through one breath, trying to find the things you wanted to say and convey, but Eskel squeezed your hand in interruption. 

“I know…” He sighed as well and held your hand against his cheek. “But It’ll be okay. I’m still here beside you the whole way”. He assured and looked to you with his same honey golden eyes. 

Even though you could speak again, you were glad to see that you and Eskel still didn’t need words to communicate. It was a weight off your chest to have someone like Eskel by your side while you went through all of this. 

“Let’s go to bed, yeah? It’s been a long night….” You smiled a bit and stroked his cheek gently as you stood. 

His face bloomed into a subtle but lovely smile, a slight sense of mischief showing before he carefully scooped you up into his arms. “I couldn't agree more…” 

Strong secure arms carried you back to his room, sitting you down amongst the furs. Neither of you spoke, neither of you had to, as you curled around each other and settled in for sleep. The heat of his body warmed you better than any fire could and as you laid your head upon his chest, listening to the way his heart beat beat beat against your ear, you could have sworn you felt the ice of your past beginning to melt away.

_____________________________________

Taglist: @writingmysanity @open--till--midnight @dark-academia-slut @weaponizedvirtue

[stop-weighting-for-change]

UPDATE 7

wow oh WOW!

Oooooops

So it’s been a HOT minute since I last updated (which was August so really the hottest of minutes lol)

Things have been weird but good?!

I have lost ANOTHER 10lbs (TEN!!!!!) SINCE I LAST POSTED WHAT THE WHAT! I am officially in the 160s and lovinnnnngggg iiiittttt! It feels surreal and its probably taken a lot more time than it should have since I started in June but tbh 23lbs in 6 months?!?! Im not mad about it!

The holidaze (including Halloween and Thanksgiving) have made it a bit harder to lose/keep it off (deff some fluctuation the last few months and (weeks honestly)) but tbh 1) thats normal and 2) im not gonna deprive myself when I’ve already exceeded a lot of my own expectations and perceived abilities.

Goals for the new year include: - getting into the 130s (minimum) - saving more $$$ and revamping my wardrobe - becoming stronger and more confident - being more appreciative of the every day little things/blessings i’ve been given - loving my family and Him more - getting vaccinated yalllllllll <33333 ****SHOUT OUT TO THE SCIENTISTS RESEARCHERS DOCTORS TRIAL PARTICIPANTS AKA MFING HEROES OF OUR SOCIETY LEGIT DOING GODS WORK OUT HERE!****

The start of December was some of the lowest Ive probably ever felt for personal reasons and uncontrollable things in life but it taught me 1) to not take anything/anyone for granted bc life aint that long and its taken me 24yrs to realize that and 2) that the MOST important thing is how we treat those around us, especially those we care most about and to appreciate the time we have with them to the best of our abilities <33

Sorry for the crazy tirade, ramble, rant. I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST OPENED MY EYES FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IM READY FOR 2021!!!!!

Were all in this together yall! I know Im a small blog and tbh an insignificant person but if I can be someone for any of yall to lean on or be supported by, IM HERE

P.S. my family and I watched this show on Disney+ called Disney Insider and on s1e5 there was a feature about runDisney and NOW im planning to train to do the wdw half marathon next january (2022) with my best friend and the star wars 5k next april with my family. Idk why I’ve suddenly been possessed by the running bug but i’ve now watched so many videos on runDisney and i cannot wait to train (what is wrong with me?!)

P.P.S God is good all the time!!!!!!

[sailor-san]

for the ask game in mission 3 (i bet you saw that comin LOL) ALL OF THEM ! have fun~ - 🌚

ATINY ANON PROJECT ⤏ MISSION #3

Ohoooooo im sorry this took so long but it was so fun haha i hope you laugh a little!! 😂💖

1. Which 3 members of Ateez would you get on well with the most, and why?

A: I honestly think it would be Hongjoong, Jongho and and Yunho. They seem the most chill to me and would be able to to just hang out and do nothing and be ok with sitting in silence lol.  

2. If you were to take your bias(es) somewhere in your hometown/ the place you live where would you go?

A: Besides taking San to my family compound I would definetely take them hiking on the loop trail thats behind my house and to the swimming tide pools that are like not even a minute down the road. We could hike in the morning, have lunch at my house then end at the beach watching the sunset wow lemme just take all of them actually.

3. What genre of movie would you watch with each member?

    Hongjoong: Historical documentary

    Seonghwa: Drama

    Yunho: Fantasy

    Yeosang: Thriller

    San: Thriller so we can be scared together lmao

   Mingi: Action

   Wooyoung: He’s attached to San’s hip so Thriller as well

   Jongho: Detective/Mystery/Spys idk what to call it

4. Which Ateez member do you personally relate to?

A: I relate to Seonghwa a lot because I’m the oldest of all my siblings and I’m constantly looking after them because they stress me ooouutttt. He’s witty and honest and I like to think that I am too. When I open up to people I’m very giving and I feel like he does the same thing.

5. What is your favorite live stage from Ateez?

A: this hala hala perf. because San and Seonghwa are demons and YEOSANG OMFG  and this desire stage because wow so close

6. Do you have any similarities you share with any member?

A:  ok so Wooyoungs got a mouth and he runs it....i do too lol. Him and Yunho are potterheads and I ate that shit up breakfast lunch and dinner all throughout school someone please admit us to Hogwarts. I’m scared of hella stuff like Mingi never let us go to a haunted house together. I’m low key an attention black whole i swallow it up so fast and I need more like someone please sit by me and talk to me but not my sister ew leave me alone she just annoys me. That reminds me of San lol. ooooooo kk last one I dance and when I’m performing I’ve been told I look menacing but then i go offstage and I shy again lol. idk i guess Yeosang? Seonghwa? all of them? I ALSO HAVE A BESTEST FRIEND THAT I HAVE KNOWN FOR 10+ YEARS NOW WE PRACTICALLY TALK IN EACH OTHER’S HEADS AND I LOVE HER SOOOO MUCH that reminds me of the friendships San/Yeosan/Woo and Yunho/Mingi have.

7. Which member would you switch bodies for a day?

A: I want to switch bodies with Yunho because I wanna be that tall for a day just to see what the air is like up there. AND ALSO TO DANCE MY ASS OFF I WOULD GO STRAIGHT TO MILLENNIUM AND SAY PUT ME IN THE NEXT VID IM READY COACH.

8. Which member makes you laugh the most?

A: Bro Mingi always gets me even when I think I can hold it in he a clown. the most goodest adorable cute boi clown.

9. Which member would you trust to dye your hair?

A: JOONG JOONG JOONG NOT ANY OF THOSE OTHER CRAZIES TOUCHING THESE LUCSIOUS LOCKS NO SIR.

11. What fruit do you associate the members with?

A: for this one i have no idea why this is just what popped into my head when i thought of them

Hongjoong: Pineapple

Seonghwa: Cherry

Yunho: Blueberries

Yeosang: Grapes

San: Kiwi

Mingi: Mango

Wooyoung: Strawberries

Jongho: Honeydew melon lol

13. Is there a (not ateez) song that makes you think of a member?

A: Lick by Cardi B will always make me think of my son Jongho being the rudest boi to ever live and it makes me so proud go off Jongho you a bad bish.

14. Is there a hairstyle you really want to see on your bias?

A: Brown hair San is soooo soft but black hair San rules my lyfe so I stand by it. He looks hot any way so I know I’ll never not like what he does with it.

15. Which member would you choose to accompany you on a long car ride?

A: Are they driving? If they are driving then Seonghwa because I know he will be diligent. If we are just passengers then Yunho becuase I heard he gives good hugs and we can play games and keep each other from getting bored. He also has a magical snack pocket so we can munch.

16. What food would you love to cook for a member?

A: wowowowow ok I would actually bring them to a big family party because local families don’t mess around with our food selection we bring everything. kalbi, beef stew, poke, poi, BUTTER MOCHI OMFG YUM, so much other stuff. If I had to choose one thing though it would be pan seared rosemary venison made from axis deer back straps. Its the most tender melt in your mouth meat and with au jus sauce? yes please THESE BOYS LIKE MEAT I WILL GIVE IT TO THEM.

17. Which member would you choose to put an outfit together for you?

A: I would let San dress me any day because he is so wacky and from what I’ve seen of him wearing his own close he likes comfort/athletic stuff. My style is super variable so I have no qualm with dressing like a badass 1 million dancer for the day. You also know I’m obsessed with the purple animal print shirt so this is no surprise lol.  

18. Rank your bias’ looks throughout all Ateez eras.

A: Omg don’t make meeeee umm Say my name, Wave, Pirate King. you know what order lol

19. Who do you think has the best eyebrows in Ateez?

A: bro high key Seonghwa could slit my throat on his brow they are thiqué and the ends are so sharp yes teach me how  

20. What job do you think would suit each member if they weren’t idols?

Hongjoong: Fashion designer all around ARTIST

Seonghwa: Teacherrrr???

Yunho: Firefighter wowowow hot so hot

Yeosang: Lab tech, research scientist at a university

San: Hotel manager, public relations

Mingi: Police officer

Wooyoung: Pilot

Jongho: Professional Athlete in any sport the boy is a sports genius

[babygirlcastiel]

do all the placement asks u wanna do also ily

?? what the fuck i love you so much and im doing all of them because i need a distraction so Thanks Brehsun: what makes you feel like you?

doing science, wearing my hiking boots, helping my friends, being gay

moon: do you have problem with trust?

i have ptsd

rising: how/what do people say you come off as?

uhhh i dont know how i come off to other people but probably somewhere between entertaining and annoying

midheaven: what do you want to be when you grow up?

a research chemist! i haven’t picked a focus yet but im working on it get off my dick

venus: do you flirt more knowingly or unknowingly?

i wouldn’t know because i cant flirt so even if i was doing it unknowingly i wouldnt,,,,know,,,,,

mars: when was the last time you got mad and why?

uh. probably right now because im having a Trauma so im kinda just feeling everything

mercury: who’s your go-to person when you need to talk?

depends on what i need to talk about honestly? 

jupiter: when was the last time you got lucky?

80% of the hard stuff i’ve bene working on in band rehearsal ive just been pushing buttons and playing and its actually been coming out right sometimes so thats lucky

saturn: what are you the weakest and strongest at?

im weakest at being a living breathing human beingim pretty good at chemistry tho and i make a halfway decent cup of coffee

uranus: are you rebellious and do you act upon it frequently?yes and yes

neptune: what was your best dream and why?

i don’t mean to sound edgy but i havent had a dream that wasn’t a nightmare in a while so i dont remember

pluto: what is your biggest aspiration and why?

i just wanna do science. all the time. i dont want there to be any filler bullshit (like obvs i want a life outside of work but) i wanna be a full time scientist. i want it to take the majority of my time. i ready to throw myself into my work

lilith: what’s your biggest turn on in someone?

Women

aries: what’s your favorite sport to play?

uhhh none? does riding my bike count? 

taurus: are you a dog or cat person?

yes

gemini: are you introverted or extroverted?

extrovert 

cancer: when was the last time you cried and why?

uhhh i dont really remember when it but it was probs a trauma thing? or it was talking to my roommate kelsey abt her having to leave and shit

leo: what makes you the most confident?

doing science and being good at it

virgo: what’s your strongest subject in school?

chemistry

libra: what’s your favorite make up brand?

uh

scorpio: what’s your most kept secret?

i feel like,,,that defeats the purpose,,,of a secret

sagittarius: do you like to party?

yeah i enjoy it but i dont do it much

capricorn: what’s the last book you’ve read?

probably some horrible thing or another for philosophy class

aquarius: do you believe in aliens?

yes in the sense that there has to be another living Thing in the universe but not in the little green men sense

pisces: how frequently do you remember your dreams?

very rarely. i remember p much all of my nightmares but i never remember dreams and when i do its very vague

[azreaelthefallen]

Mun posts

Part 1: The Basics 1. What is your full name? Azreael Torsera Necros 2. Where and when were you born? January 4th long long time ago 3. Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.) Lucifer necros and mariluna necros My dad is the king of hell and my mom........yeah. 4. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? Theres michael and amberlynn. Lynn is the youngest. Michael is the oldest. Hes.....ok. Just a lil too by the rules. Lynn......needs to chill 5. Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. I live in a moderately nice house with a young man named dean. Im taking care of him and trying to exorcise the demon thats possesing him. 6. What is your occupation? Doctor and demon hunter 7. Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. Ugh do i have to? Fine. Grey and black hair with bright blue eyes a scar over my right one black and blue hoodie with gold shackles and jeans and  demon tail. 8. To which social class do you belong? I dont know my dude 9. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? ...........alchohol 10. Are you right- or left-handed? Ambidextrous 11. What does your voice sound like? Ive been told i sound like some dude from the show naruto. Uhhhh kakashi? 12. What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? Fuck you. Uhhhh....can i order a large pepperoni pizza 13. What do you have in your pockets? My wallet. A thing. A small bottle of holy water i gotta be fucking careful with. My motorcycle keys 14. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? I do NOT Like being woke up. Part 2: Growing Up 15. How would you describe your childhood in general? Shitty 16. What is your earliest memory? Playing catch with my brother michael 17. How much schooling have you had? AL O T 18. Did you enjoy school? kinda? I liked collage 19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? ....i dont wanna talk about that 20. While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm probably my brother michael 21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? My mom was the best as was mike 22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? ....a hero... 23. As a child, what were your favorite activities? Gardening 24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? Determination and cleverness 25. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? No 26. When and with whom was your first kiss? A dude 27. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? Why is this relavent 28. If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today. Im a an angel. Fallen now but i was born this way bitch Part 3: Past Influences 29. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? .......italy 30. Who has had the most influence on you? Probably my best freind jackson 31. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Lol whats achievement. Kidding. Umm i once saved a train full of people 32. What is your greatest regret? Haaaaaaaaaaaa drinking 33. What is the most evil thing you have ever done? ...................lets not go there please 34. Do you have a criminal record of any kind? //SWEATS// meeeee oh heavens noooooo i dont have hahaha criminal record whats that...HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA 35. When was the time you were the most frightened? ........... 36. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? Woke up in a dumpster after doing weed 37. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? ........................im not gonna say 38. What is your best memory? Probably when i met jackson haha. 39. What is your worst memory? .......................being alone Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions 40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? Tries to be optimistic 41. What is your greatest fear? ........being alone..... 42. What are your religious views? No idea 43. What are your political views? Dont care 44. What are your views on sex? YOU DONT NEED TO KNOW 45. Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? If they are hurting people i will kill them. 46. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? No idea 47. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? I guess??? 48. What do you believe makes a successful life? Happiness 49. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? Not too honest lmaoooo 50. Do you have any biases or prejudices? No??????? 51. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? Lets....not talk about that 52. Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? Anyone whos close to me. Part 5: Relationships With Others 53. In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? Treat other people nicely and ill treat you nicely 54. Who is the most important person in your life, and why? I dont know honestly. I have alot of people i care about extremely much 55. Who is the person you respect the most, and why? Thatd be jackson. Hes helped me so much and honestly i couldn't ask for a better freind. 56. Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people. I have alot of freinds. I think. I hope they consider me their freind. My best freind is jackson blutstrom. Hes technicaly an alien but hes a doctor and a scientist. 57. Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person. ....sorry haha...last one...kinda....ha........... 58. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. .....lets...not ok just....no stop 59. What do you look for in a potential lover? Just be there for me. And be kind. Love my faults as well as me. 60. How close are you to your family? Uhhhhh close i guess 61. Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? I have 2 sons arrow and vector. 62. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? Jackson. Or my brother Michael 63. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? I dont want anyone to have to protect me im not worth it 64. If you died or went missing, who would miss you? Edward probably. Hes a good kid. Also Dean. And jackson. 65. Who is the person you despise the most, and why? Lets not go there either 66. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? Argue lol 67. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? I guess leader 68. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? Its ok. 69. Do you care what others think of you? Yeah Part 6: Likes And Dislikes 70. What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes? I like puzzles and tv 71. What is your most treasured possession? My scythe 72. What is your favorite color? Blue 73. What is your favorite food? Pizza 74. What, if anything, do you like to read? Stuff about science 75. What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? Law and order lol 76. Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? I drink. I used to smoke. Im trying to quit drinking. Not by choice though SOME ONE keeps stealing my alchohol 77. How do you spend a typical Saturday night? Sleeping and reasearch 78. What makes you laugh? I dunno how to describe it >:T 79. What, if anything, shocks or offends you? Gasp or slap or cry 80. What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself? Research or kill demons or both 81. How do you deal with stress? :))))) 82. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan? Spontaneous. Im reckless as fuck 83. What are your pet peeves? Part 7: Self Images And Etc. 84. Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted? Whats routine 85. What is your greatest strength as a person? NOTHING HAH eh though some people say its my patientce 86. What is your greatest weakness? Guess LOL 87. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Everything 88. Are you generally introverted or extroverted? Whats the inbetween 89. Are you generally organized or messy? Messy 90. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at. NOTHING AND EVERYTHING 91. Do you like yourself? N O 92. What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…) killing demons makes me feel like im doing something good 93. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? You don't wanna know bub 94. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? : ))) 95. If you could choose, how would you want to die? Id like to be poisoned so i can suffer 96. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. Visit jackson. Make sure deans in good hands and apologize to some people 97. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? I dunno id just like to be remembered 98. What three words best describe your personality? Patient sad and lonely 99. What three words would others probably use to describe you? Sweet charming and generous 100. If you could, what advice would you, the writer, give to your character AZZIE YOU BITCH WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE LOVE YOU I SWEAR TO GOD Jackson belongs to @mrhoneystreak Dean belongs to @gumiixu

[ilygsd]

241018: 2

okay here we go, this is from some shitty mental health site ot whatever. i actually liked the site though. i read about aspd, adhd, autism, ptsd, bpd, npd etc. informative i guess

somewhat true i guess. i dont want anything else than to love him. i dont know why i feel the need or want to but i need and want to (lol) love people. with all my fucking heart. i want to die for someone (wow) but they need to take care of me, and above all APPRECIATE my love. this guy cant even FEEL my love, how the fuck is he going to APPRECIATE it? it’s all empty and the only thing he feels like the... the sexual parts or smth ugh idk. 

he is a social predator. he once said i reminded him of a beautiful but innocent deer and now i cant stop thinking about it. idk, it used to scare me before but tbh now i dont even know if i should be offended or fascinated by how..... fucking smart and talented these people are. he said i was pretty desperate when we first met (still am oops) and little did i know i was. i was desperate wooow he could probably smell my desperation and vulnerability miles away that fucking monster haha. this article sounds a bit dramatic though. im pretty sure he would be amused by reading it, idk. amused and annoyed. i feel like this is his standard state lmao. annoyed, bored and slightly amused. 

the best way to receive love is to give love, yes indeed and he knows that. and loving him is amazing. i dont know how or why, i cant describe it and i refuse to actually admit that i love him.... I REFUSE: i dont even trust the guy, he stands for nothing, always playing the devils advocate fucking white boy, always provoking me but.... maybe its just cus he’s older and im just bored with life. well yeah probably that too. i mean.... if i was content with my life, my relationships and health i wouldnt need him lol. especially not considering how he treats me and hurt my feelings. but wow as i’ve said, i love loving him (or whatever the fuck it is) and theres nothing i’d rather do than loving him. he’s a drug

and yeah thats definitely exactly what it was like. i still cant believe i actually thought we were similar LMAOOOOOOOO and he’s like “yeah people think that we’re similar until i tell them otherwise”. we are NOT similar. okay yes, i have some abusive traits, some manipulative i guess. i guess that’s similar. but other than that.... nope

uh, he says im emo all the time when im with him lol. trueeee. im so comfortable with him my emo just jumps out and i get really depressing wow. i wonder why he stuck with me for so long. i must be so boring. i mean it could be for the sex as i’ve said, but i doubt that. i wonder what the heck he thinks he can use me for. im always paranoid he’ll use me but at the same time i struggle with thoughts that im useless so.... bruh idk lmao

true that i stuck it out during the bad times because the good times are fantastic. true. true. idk, its not that fantastic. he’s pretty normal its not like im over showered with compliments and gifts and love but on the other hand i wouldnt want that either. hmm, idk im so curious how he’s acting with other people. if he’s similar or if he changes and adapts himself

im just svared of that “the honeymoon comes to an end”. what does that mean? will it be worse than this??? i mean is he bored now? what happens when he’s bored? will he just leave or do smth stupid? sometimes i think he’s starting drama bc he’s bored tbh that sounds more like me. he actually tried to “end” the fight by that “u owe me 5 blowjobs now” joke but i chose to continue bc he threatened to murder me and i was offended lol

yeah that may have been stupid. it was a choice of mine. he gave me a chance to move on and i chose not to because i thought i could make him apologize. LMAO NOOOOO. this bitch wont apologize for anything in the worldddddddd. makes me so FUCKING frustrated because i AM NOT going to apologize for trying to demand him to apologize. if anything i will just ignore that this ever happened. and i WOULD have, if it wasnt for the STI fact lol. it’s so awkward honestly i have nothing to say if i were to contact him. i dont know, maybe he got HIV now because of me LOL and why the fuck would i expose myself like that like why would he be with me if he publicly stated he wants to murder me if i transmitted it to him. i dont even know (yes i know, i obviously dont fucking have HIV) and i won’t know until he get tested. and he probably wont tell me so actually i should just block him before he gets tested considering he wants to kill me. ok he said he wouldnt etc etc. and i know he wouldnt but he would probably destroy my life in another way. 

uh idk, i guess i have to get myself tested again and this time HIV AND AIDS INCLUDED. only then i have a reason to text him and its to say that im clean. what a pathetic reason, i will see right through it. he KNOWS i want him. thats why there’s no reason for me to contact him at all because he already knows i’ll always want to be with him sigh

ok so as i’ve said i’ve thought about this a lot. like what the fuck does he want from me? actually he’s ignoring me right now so idk if he still wants anything sigh. but i guess thats why he wanted to meet so fast irl. i get it now though. at first i was like “NO WE NEED TO TALK FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS” but now im like ugh lets just get it over with. i really thought he was a typical charmer, a slut, but hes been very firm that he doesnt let anyone touch him and that he’s not always up for a second “date”. i guess its smth with their boredom? 

ok i guess it’s...... charm? and also sometimes threatening and coldness. 

and yeah idk. either he’s ignoring me bc he really lost interest. he’s the one who overreacted though for real... i cant fucking believe he got so pissed over something like that and then just straight out REFUSES to apologize for THREATENING TO MURDER ME. uugh its so annoying it makes me so pissed. he said he’s not the one to block people though. guess he will just let me message him like a fucking pathetic idiot and then leave me on read lol. like he did with my cringe snaps

LMAO YEAH I KNOW TELL ME ABOUT IT. rage.... boy can this sweet angel become angry. he’s always so rational and calm yet he lets himself get triggered over such nonsense. maybe he’s just faking it though to scare me or smth honestly i dont really know, i just know he pissed me off. he’d make a great james fallon, james fallon is a neurobiologist who studies. too bad jo wants doesn’t want to be a scientist or researcher in that matter but actually WORK as a psychologist WITH PATIENTS

fuck i cant help but be attracted to his intelligence though :( wow it makes me feel like such a dumbass typical girly girl and i hate itttttttt. i told him i’d like to see him cry haha. idk. im just curious. im happy he haven’t cried though like used it as a manipulative tool or something. im just rambling idk what the fuck im writing lol