#Guy who is constantly experiencing isolation

[kingprinceleo]

Sitting on the other side of a riverbank with my little mud figures while everyone on the other side hangs out

Damn,,, rocks, huh

[polo-drone-055]

The Golden Army meets The Polo Drones: Part 1

Written at the command of and in collaboration with @hypnogold

Sitting in a coffee shop looking stressed is Richard the captain of the Golden Army Football Club.

Richard calls a close confidant. His stress getting the best of him Richard is speaking loudly.

“It was worse than you can imagine.”

“No! The Silver Collective didn’t win the match. We gave it to them on their own silver platter. We weren’t united. We lacked focus. Had no energy. What’s worse is that this was predictable. I should have acted sooner.”

"Yeah, I saw the red flags. The past few weeks I noticed the Bros off the field were eating rich foods at restaurants, smoking, attending all the festivals and going to late night movies."

"They were beginning to sleep in, miss workouts, and spend more time talking about their accomplishments on the pitch than actually focusing on their drills. I used our beach outing to try and bring back discipline, unity, and ambition. Obviously it didn’t work."

"Then there is our new wingback. Christian! #55."

"I have no idea what to do with that situation."

"If most of the team is losing focus he is overly ambitious. You saw how he stayed up too often, despite my instructions, allowed space out wide for Silver to fill letting them score and losing us the match."

"Now the media and fans are out for him. The headlines are nonstop: “Christian is worthless!” “Sack #55!" “This guy is crap!” The fans throw beer, food, drinks and all sorts of stuff at him. When out about the city he is constantly cursed at."

"He feels awful and has apologized repeatedly to the Bros."

"Christian is working extra hard to refine his skills but does not seem to be improving. No matter how much I and the Bros encourage him, work with him, and give him shoulders to lean on things are not changing."

"Bro, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. You’re the best."

"No, I’m not giving up. We will rise and conquer. We are Golden strong! Later Bro!"

As Richard finishes the call a man who had been standing at the counter behind him approaches saying “Excuse me, I could not help but hear your conversation.”

Startled by the interruption Richard looks up and is taken aback by the man wearing a black Fred Perry polo with distinctive yellow details including a laurel wreath embroidered on the chest with the top button fastened. The fabric had a glossy sheen to it, almost rubbery or latex-like.

Dazed, Richard responds “What?”

“I heard your conversation and can feel your frustration. I know you are trying your hardest.”

Staring at the polo and only half listening Richard mumbles “Yeah Bro”

“Your Golden Army Club is top of the league.”

Richard nods.

While speaking the man sits down and touches Richard whose golden spiral appears in his eyes.

“Everything will work out. It will be okay.”

As Richard’s arm and gold jersey brush against the polo a warmth and peace comes over him. His golden spiral which had been dim begins to brighten.

“We can help you be more focused, more intense, more synchronized. Your mates will once again work as a team, a unit. You will not be defeated again. Feel your confidence return.”

The man moves closer so that more of the smooth slick sheen of the polo is rubbing against Richard who can’t resist running his palms over it. The feel is tantalizing.

“Yes, feel it. Feel the intensity come over you. Do you like how it feels?"

"Yeah Bro," Richard says with more focus and intensity.

"I have another one you want it?" The man holds out the polo for Richard to see.

"Feel it. Feel the strength, confidence and conviction exuding from it. Imagine possessing all those traits yourself forever."

Without hesitation Richard viciously grabs the polo and puts it on. The immediate sensation of being tightly wrapped and constricted is immense. The smooth slick surface feels both isolating and sensual.

"Oh Bro!!!!" Richard exclaims running his hands all over his torso experiencing sensations as never before. “We will improve. We will grow” His voice becoming monotone and robotic as he speaks. “We will defeat. We will improve. We will grow. We will defeat.

With every repetition Richard’s strength, confidence and conviction deepens. The gold within accepts that to be on the top, to be the best it must be more focused, more intense, more synchronized. It must unite with polo.

Totally in sync with absolute confidence and conviction of their purpose the two leave the coffee shop heading for Club Pulse where Christian is waiting.

[saintmurd0ck]

lakeside dreamin'

masterlist

pairing: jedi general anakin skywalker x f!reader

summary: anakin reminisces about your lives together while he's away fighting in the clone wars

warnings: heavy angst, mentions of canon events in TCW, canon typical mentions of warfare, some smut/spice, mentions of sex, minors DNI 18+ only

a/n: to the one anon who requested this maybe a year ago? i saw clone wars anakin and it was over for my brain 🫠 anyway love you guys and leave a comment or reblog if you liked this! 🥺

song pairing: love on the brain (rihanna)

The war was taking its toll.

Day after day, planet after planet, all Anakin knew now was his place on the battlefield. And his role in leading the victory for the Jedi and the Republic, even though their dogma preached peace, not violence. Every skirmish brought a new kind of horror to his once uncomplicated life, whether it was watching Separatist droids and clone troopers alike, cut down as easily as marsh reeds, or the simple fact that his relationship with the Force was dwindling towards something impure. Something he couldn’t make sense of, and would surely raise more questions than answers if he were to confide in his Masters. It wasn’t that he contemplated reaching towards the Dark side, or thought of the kind of evil only the Sith could endure; it was more like an isolating numbness that spread from within, and before long, Anakin felt the cloud settle over his mind.

He was tired of seeing smoke — the kind that billowed in every direction, stinking of despair and lost hope on his front, despite the war turning to the Republic’s favour. It was the sound of unending blaster fire and the repetitive ignition of his lightsaber that haunted his nightmares, and with only the company of his clone legion, his Padawan Ahsoka and the occasional appearance from Obi-Wan, he felt himself starting to slip.

He was overwhelmed, and encumbered with burden. 

Never before had he experienced such guilt, anger and suffering — towards his army, towards the civilians caught in the crossfire, and towards his relationship with you. 

The secret life the two of you led, away from the Order, felt like something out of another galaxy, another lifetime. It was as if eons had passed since he’d last seen you, and yet the world was constantly evolving — not towards freedom, but into a more destructive version of its past. Even for a Jedi General (and, one could argue, because he was a Jedi General), Anakin had little comfort, and much less sway in which systems he visited and what he took part in. Seeing you was absolutely out of the question, but it wasn’t like he bothered to even ask, out of fear of inviting a lecture from Obi-Wan, or Maker-forbid, an audience with Master Yoda. 

At least things like facilitating training for the Onderon rebels allowed him to feel more of himself, and to an extent, a sort of unity with the Council, but all of that was quickly replaced by the more sinister side of the Separatist Alliance, such as the trainwreck on Zygerria. Liberation didn’t exist there. Not until Anakin showed up.

It was these events that really compelled him to look inwards, to not just seek the Force’s guidance, but to use it in tandem with a coping mechanism that would get him through the war. 

And so the vignettes began. Slowly, at first. 

It started off as little glimpses of your life together, slices of euphoric nostalgia that weaved their way into Anakin’s being. He didn’t realise just how much he yearned for you; not simply the way your skin felt on his, but the pureness of your energy, the reminder that good truly did exist in this world. As much as these images were a solace to his sanity, they brought about a sense of malaise. Contrition, actually, if he sought the Force for the purpose of clarity. Even though it all existed in his head, allowing himself these indulgences felt like once again, he was breaking Code. 

But could it really have been that bad, if it honed his focus? If it drew him back to the bigger picture, of the why? Reminding himself of who it was he fought for didn’t erase the atrocities, but it gave him that flicker of hope, knowing that the sum of his actions equalled a better world for you. 

And some selfish, miniscule part of him figured that if he could lead the victory, he’d be pardoned when the Order inevitably found out about the life the two of you shared. It isn’t as if no-one already knew. He was sure Ahsoka was aware. Rex, too. He doubted when it came to Obi-Wan, but then again very little got past his Master. 

While the memories of you lay fresh before his eyes, they seemed to sharpen at specific points throughout the day; often in the thick of battle, or when he woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in a cold sweat, nothing but thin shafts of moonlight illuminating his body. It’s like they were stitched perfectly amongst the real action, scattered at perfect intervals that jerked his body into manoeuvre.

The sweetest images had always featured the lake. 

Armed with nothing more but his wits, his back pressed against the cold, wet stone in a cave on Vanqor, he reminisced about that first night with you by the lakeside. The sweet smell of wildflowers carried in the breeze, heightened by his affinity for the Force. He recalled the gentle lapping of the waves on the shore, and how the two moons cast their milky glow upon the shimmering surface of the water. And you — radiant, almost ethereal in the soft light, and the way your lips brushed against his neck, filling him with the kind of heat that flooded all at once. Not even the screech of the pursuing gundark could have interrupted this moment in time. He felt his breathing go ragged, because he remembered what happened next. He gritted his teeth, thinking about the way he moved inside you, and how you tangled your fingers in his hair, pressing chaste kisses to his mouth, his chest, whispering his name in sinful bliss. The gundark didn’t stand a chance. Not when Anakin’s motivation for getting out alive laid in sweet promise, embedded in these visions.

His name felt the most natural rolling off your tongue, nevermind that that was truly the last real thing he possessed, unmarred by time and the influence of the Jedi. In that moment, when you’d taken him over the edge with you, crying his name so loud he swore someone had heard, he knew he’d give it over to you if you’d asked.

He thought of the lake again when he was in Felucia, crouched low amongst the sillum. His lightsaber grew heavy in his hand, the ridges suddenly awkward in his palm, but the grip he’d started to lose on his lifeline gave rise to something he couldn’t ignore. 

It was another temperate day and the sun had created the most brilliant reflections on the surface of the lake. With the grasses and trees swaying in the wind, Anakin closed his eyes, reaching out with the Force. He didn’t prod or poke, but rather he cast a wide net, a delicate caress, to connect with the life that teemed. It sang to him in a multi-layered harmony, acting as a prominent reminder that the Force flowed in all living things. And when his eyes fluttered open, he watched you carefully as you walked towards the water, your feet crunching on the smooth pebbles that made up the beach. You turned around to give him a dazzling smile, moving with deliberation to slip off your clothes. Your laughter echoed in the crisp air as you dived into the lake, disappearing under a swathe of emerald green, only to resurface in the middle with a large grin plastered to your face. He didn’t hesitate to jump in, to shed his clothing on the spot. A shudder ran down his spine at the thought of what happened shortly after. 

Sometimes it was hard to return to the present, to remember that he’d sleep alone that night while you were only just waking up, systems away, most likely after another fitful slumber.  There were times where he thought these visions would serve no other purpose than to derail him, when the temptation of your touch shadowed his desire for victory. These moments guided him to channel the Force within, so as to remind himself of why he was doing this in the first place. Because it was more than just a coping mechanism. It was an anchor. A thrumming pulse point. A gentle acknowledgement of the life he wanted to come back to.

It’s then that he wondered when enough would be enough, when the war would come to a stalemate, as it so often did in their history. The tide was turning, and he knew it.

And there it was again, that kernel of hope, that ember of light that shone in the depths of his soul. Even reduced to a ghost in his memory, you were tangible, so tangible now. He wouldn’t let the Separatists win. He couldn’t, because there was too much at stake. And so if thinking of you, in these ways, helped him remember that, he wasn’t going to stop. 

Not for anyone. 

[longing-for-rain]

Can we please get rid of the idea that a “strong” woman with an effeminate guy is automatically a subversive and progressive relationship?

Look, I know this take comes from people whose only relationship experience is from fandom tropes and TikTok memes, but it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating to me because I am that woman, and even if it physically “looks” subversive, it often actually isn’t.

Just for context here, I’m speaking from my experience as the kind of woman I am. I’m tall; I’m 5’10”. I have a muscular build. I’m highly educated. I actually used to like the idea of being taller than a male partner, earn more, be the provider, etc. It felt empowering to me, so like a lot of you, I became interested in that idea when I thought about relationships with men. I always hated the “woman role” forced on me and I thought my stature would help me escape it by switching roles.

However, actual experience made it seem a lot less empowering. Because here’s the reality.

Despite what they say, men don’t like it when their wives/girlfriends are taller, or earn more. It makes them feel emasculated. You might notice this immediately, or it might take months for the mask to come off, for him to start acting insecure. But he will. And who will he take it out on? That’s right: you.

Sure, it will be “my girl acts like a booktok boyfriend I love her!” and “my wife is the coolest ever I love her!” at first, but in reality? There will always be some lingering insecurity. He’ll expect you to hold his hand and reassure him that he’s still a man to you and that you respect him constantly.

And that brings me to my next point—these relationships really aren’t as subversive as they seem. Sure, he puts on nail polish and flower crowns. But does he do the dishes? Does he help out around the house? Sure, he gushes about how “cool” you are. But does he support you emotionally the same way you support him? Can you truly be yourself with him, or do you find that you repress and downplay your feelings to protect his?

The unfortunate reality is, there is simply always going to be an unequal dynamic. It’s been instilled into us by thousands of years of patriarchy. You can’t undo that with some fandom tropes. It’s like painting over water damage instead of fixing the broken pipe. The fact remains that as a woman, no matter how physically strong you are, no matter how tall, and no matter how successful, that “progressive” man will still always see you as the woman. His woman. He’ll happily enjoy the benefits of your paycheck while still expecting you to do the majority of the work around the house. He’ll happily “let” you be strong because it also means you’re spending your energy coddling him emotionally. This isn’t subversive or beneficial for women.

There is, of course, an exception. Men who have fetishes—which to be clear, it is never a compliment to be someone’s fetish. I’ve experienced this as well. It’s dehumanizing. You become an object. Even a man who claims to “worship” you in the name of his fetish really isn’t worshipping you—he’s worshipping the gratification he’s using you for. Gratification which comes from the humiliation of being subservient to a woman, because to them, women are weak and inferior so therefore being the servant of one is the greatest humiliation imaginable.

So yes, I’m really sick of seeing posts glorifying these dynamics, because it’s obvious they’re either coming from people who have no experience with them or from fetishists. I don’t care if he wears a flower crown. I don’t care if he’s shorter and cowers behind his #girlboss wife while she epically stands up for him. It’s cheap faux progress and reminds me of how isolated and neglected you feel when you actually have to be that woman.

If you really want to be subversive, as a man, try actually treating your girlfriend as an equal instead of putting her on a pedestal. Try actually asking her what she wants and needs from you instead of assuming. Try sharing responsibilities with her like a partner instead of a grown child. Try defending her with the same passion she does you. Be just as strong for her as she is for you. Stand up for her against other men. Challenge other men. Learn about what she cares about and values. Focus on what you can do for her. Engage with her hobbies. Treat her like a human being and not a trope.

Now that would be an actually subversive heterosexual relationship for a strong woman to be in.

[zeondraws]

It is 4AM in the morning, I should hit the bed asap. But I needed some time on my own tonight, because I've been supressing feelings way too much the past months. (Thought post about random thoughts, no clue if they make sense it's 5AM when I post this)

I found it really hard to talk to friends about my emotions as of recent. One reason might be, that I still suffer some pain I endured from the old work enviroment.

Somehow I often just want to be left alone, I feel very drained most of the time. But that often leads to a loop effect and I isolate myself further.

Like, at the old workplace I was expected to do something constantly, if I wasn't working on anything for over 3min I'd get scolded or yelled at. Or my coworker would become an adult baby and behave strangely. The other coworkers never saw anything wrong with him, so I was extremely afraid that everyone else had something against me. My old boss would side with him from time to time. The constant demand to stay productive was so draining.

In the end I got replaced, I mean I thankfully found a new job by then. But a new person came in, another inexperienced young person who seemed nice and all. Not sure how she is doing in that place, either she fits right in, or my coworker is making her endure the same pain, or he just overworks himself as he usually does. A person who had my job before I came, became extremely demotivated there and simply left to another workplace.

I try to explain this a bit to highlight some difficulties I am experiencing atm... I don't talk to family about my feelings that much. I tried but, they get easily offended if I vent too much. I have no called my dad back in a while, I already know when I call him back he will only be offended. Or maybe I am spiraling rn. My head makes things appear worse than they actually are.

You guys see how much stuff I have been doing on tumblr the past months or so. I don't remember how long it's been, but... I am still in this mindset of constantly working and staying productive. I rest when I can but I always get the feeling "I have to stay productive" and work on stuff, even when I am sick. In a way it helps to not fall into thoughht spirals, tho then I don't give myself enough space to rest.

I don't know what my end goal with this endless productivity is supposed to be, I want to be helpful in some way and feel like I belong somewhere. But even right now I feel like something is missing... I can't grasp this thought, I don't know what my end goal is. Been messing with fmodel so much to get the game work on this for datamining, I posted a thread on the fmodel server and they said the game is fully working with it. Which suprised me, that I was able to achieve that. Was I the first one to do so? I always thought there is someone better than me already. I often just think I will be some replaceable object, where someone else just takes my place. And this thought... spirals in a way- where I think very less of me. Stuff like I will be forgotten anyways or hmm someone better comes.

My family treated me like an object at times, not letting me decide what to do. Old coworker did the same and I am expected to just agree to everything they say. I tried extremely hard to fight back at the old workplace but I was always met with a wall.

Sometimes I would struggle venting to friends, because when I felt the lowest I get very clingy. I think when I saw Muir in game I noticed some similarity in him in me for example. Even tho I hate to admit that thought, but I have gotten way better at being less clingy. Maybe it's because I grew up a bit more. I definitely ain't the same like 4 years ago. But not to sidetrack too much... sometimes I would vent to friends and they'd bombard me with advice or, maybe some advice felt off for me. One friend once said that we're replaceable (job related) and that didn't sit right with me. Some of this advice would put me off so much that I would stop talking about my feelings with anyone, or just one small friendgroup. But I don't mention a lot there. I think... I think what I can see with myself is, I distance myself so much from everyone, I don't dm people to have a normal chat (I think I get very confused when I hear people dm each other all the time, what do people dm each other for...?I wouldn't know what to talk about), maybe I hang out on servers. I don't want to look at my main phone because suddenly so much makes me nervous again. I want to be alone the entire time and the meds stop some emotions from popping up.

So I have random outbursts where I would cry. and I really need to sit down after sleep and find a new group therapy.. today

I put ridiculous standards on myself sometimes, not wanting to appear weak and appear "professional". But my imagination of being professional is basically be emotionless and work without problems. Tho this doesn't make sense, perhaps I worry too much since I noticed some people really like what I do here. And I don't want to let people down in that regard. but I don't know how.

Earlier I was debating on wether it is strong if I show my weakness or if it's better to hide it. Tho hiding doesn't bring much for me, it's rather bad.

Yknow an earlier post where I mentioned I really like Roper? I get the feeling one of the reasons I find him interesting is, because the way he appears. He doesn't seem to show emotions that much, rather monotone and seems to be a hard working individual. Who sadly needs to do way more because Rennick makes things more difficult. Tho like, even if you see him in Marine Control later... he just suffers in silence. Ain't like Trots who went full bananas, or Muir feeling extremely anxious and all. Or Addair wanting to call his kids and Rennick just flat maniac. Roper just, sits there and tries to avoid saying much. Only thing he says is to keep Rennick away. Maybe the deleted soundfile of the scene says otherwise, but in my view it feels like idk he just ain't somebody who would talk about his feelings. Maybe Roper is some visual imagination of what I think a professional is, but I think he probably has different problems that could be way worse. Suppressing feelings is not good, I still have a lot to work on, on myself.

I am sadly getting too tired to continue this string of thoughts...I always feel very awkward posting my feelings on the web. I wouldn't know where else to thow them.

I will post something silly after sleep. I made some dumb screenshots ingame that literally made me giggle for half an hour ioudhwioeu. Okay, goodnight

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not defending an ex-friend when people called her a slut?

I (20 f) fell out with my best friend and roommate M (20 f) at the end of sophomore year of college. reason we fell out isn't the main subject of this post but I think it's relevant so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

For context I'm Black attending a VERY white school. Frenshman year I was the only black girl in my building and this was just post-covid so student groups were pretty dead. So first trimester most of my college friends were the girls from my floor including M (white) and S (20f, asian american). It was very isolating tbh, esp bc I experienced a lot of microaggressions, but the girls I befriended were pretty good at sharing my outrage and letting me confide in them.

The worst incident was when at a party, a guy (G, white) made some very racist comments towards me and in general (said the n-word a few times). I admit I escalated it by engaging w him and the whole thing got out of hand, a lot of people saw, and he got a reputation as a racist. Afterwards, he was always rude to me, blaming me for egging him on while drunk and just constantly making disrespectful comments about me and my 'attitude' where i could hear. no one ever said anything to his face but were supportive of me after the fact - S was always particularly supportive and said she could relate.

I was generally fine with avoiding G esp in sophomore year when we moved out. I lived with M and another friend (P) and it went pretty well. We were asked in like November if we would renew our lease, and though M and I wanted to the third friend didn't, so we began to think of replacements, and S was looking for a place.

Thing is, while S and I were still on good terms I felt like she was being a bit secretive w me. She'd often come over and talk privately w M and I got the gist she was seeing someone and didn't want me to know. I shook it off as us growing apart and the fact I'd gotten more involved in Black student groups and hadn't hung around with our dorm friends as much, but then in Jan, as we were planning to sign the new lease, I found out she was dating G. Tbh at this point we weren't even close friends that I felt a strong personal betrayal, but more so I was mad at them both for not telling me while making plans for us to live together. They knew I was uncomfortable around G and wouldn't want to live w his gf, esp without knowing. It felt like they were almost purposefully going behind my back.

I didn't do anything at the time, just slowly backed out of the lease renewal and made other arrangements. I stopped hanging out with S almost completely and was just cordial w her and took a big step back from M and our dorm friends.

The other relevant bit of context here is M had a boyfriend (T, 20 m) who was in our freshman dorm and very close to our year one friends (lived with them sophomore year and now junior year too). She broke up w him in Feb, which led to a lot of her friendships w our dorm friends (her only friends really) to deteriorate a bit, esp as she was no longer super comfy hanging around where he was. this especially became an issue in the spring trimester bc she got a new boyfriend over the break, a friend from her classes T hadn't liked.

So, M kept pressuring me to hang out w her and our dorm friends a lot more, which inevitably meant seeing S and now G, who they'd all decided they were cool being around when I distanced myself. I told her why i didn't want to and I didn't want to see G again but she promised he had 'changed' and wouldn't say anything to me. eventually I folded and went out w them all once and it honestly sucked. M completely abandoned me to be w her other friends, G didn't say anything but kept glaring at me the whole time, and I felt very out of place. afterwards I told M i was sorry, I know she felt awkward around her ex without me, but I wouldn't do that again.

She left it till like the end of the year then there was a big dinner she really wanted to go to that T would be at (her bf was not invited), w all our dorm friends. I kept saying I wouldn't go, but then she told me she checked w the hosts and confirmed (and promised) G wouldn't be coming. I said okay but asked we sit next to each other and made it clear how I felt around S etc, and she agreed and promised we would. Long story short G was there, I wound up next to S and across from him snickering at me the whole time, with her on the other end of the table. I texted M about it, she said it was 'fine' and I was imagining it and to try and enjoy the gathering.. yeah no. I dipped before desert, she chased me outside asking what was up and I explained why i was upset, she said i can't expect her to be there for me the whole night and she's allowed to 'have a good night without my drama,' i said racism wasn't drama and she literally dragged me along to deal with her drama, nevermind my comfort, and that she was an incredibly selfish friend for putting me in this position. I left, she wound up crying with everyone comforting her, everyone there (M included) went off at me for being an unsupportive friend/dredging up year old drama with G/overall making everything about race, I cut them all off and moved my stuff into my girlfriend's place a week after all this and didn't speak to anyone since.

which is pretty much all the backstory (longer than the main bit, sorry), that gets us to the actual AITA situation. Junior year starts, I'm at a welcome back party w some other friends and i'm vaguely aware my old dorm friends (including S and G) are also here, but it's a huge party and i'm w my very supportive friends who ik will back me if anything happens so i dont really care. eventually M arrives w her bf, gives me an awkward look but doesn't say anything to me.

Then at some point, I'm upstairs using the bathroom and I hear the girls from our dorm group speaking to M in the hallway. Apparently it came out over summer she'd hooked up w her new boyfriend before she ended things with T and they were all pissed at her (esp for her playing the victim w her ex). I tried to stay in the bathroom until the conversation ended but someone was pounding on the door and I wound up having to get out and waddle past them awkwardly to get back downstairs. When I got out one of the girls was calling M a slut and other names and while i tried to avoid it I accidentally made eye contact with M, who was super upset and crying. I kinda just shrugged and went downstairs.

Later that night i got a long ass message from her new bf about how he knows I'm upset with her but it wasn't fair for me to just leave her in that situation, and that it was petty and selfish of me (esp bc I'm usually the person calling out this shit). I spoke to my gf, and she said she understands why i did nothing but also that it's never okay for people to call someone a slut. I agree with that 100% and in any other case i might have tried to diffuse the situation (like if it was safe and I thought I could). I've told a couple friends who think I did nothing wrong and it wasn't fair to expect me to say smth when she never said/did anything to defend me and that she had it coming, but my mom told me I should've done the kind thing and not stoop to their level and it's made me feel really bad. I think I might be TA bc i could have stood up for her without anything bad happening to me beyond being in an uncomfortable convo, and also bc it kinda felt good seeing her friends turn on her? Like she threw me under the bus to be in their good books and defend them and they dropped her ass anyway, and if I acted from a vengeful place then thats asshole-y of me. but also no one in this story has apologised to me once and as my friend says its not fair to rely on black ppl to fix racist white ppls mess.

so, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[romancerepulsed]

disclaimer: i am american and i can only speak for how it is here, but regardless this post is about online spaces

i have to say it. "romance negativity" is not a thing and you all look like clowns for saying it and placing it right next to sex negativity. sex negativity exists within a large system oppression. its a set of beliefs an individual can have, yes, but those beliefs in and of themselves are nothing without their institutional support. sex negativity, though it hurts queer people the most, negatively affects every person who desires to interact with sexuality in any way. sex negativity is major websites and apps banning porn for the sake of profit. sex negativity is restricting abortion access. sex negativity is absitence-only education. sex negativity is the criminalization of sex work. sex negativity is rape culture.

romance negativity does not exist in this way. the most romance negativity could possibly harm you is it hurting your feelings a bit when an aromantic person expresses their frustrations with amatonormativity. our institutions actively push for romance and partnering. our whole society is structured around it. all of our entertainment is infested with it. there is no significant cultural push to devalue romance the same way there is for sex, and thats why the discussion of the evil repulsed aros who hate romance and hate you for experiencing it is so fucking stupid to me. like, every romance repulsed aro i know is so painstakingly polite and supportive to the alloromantics and romance favorable aros around us. we are constantly gritting our teeth and working through it, because thats what we have always had to do.

ive also seen posts complaining that romance repulsed aros make the community feel unsafe for romance favorable aros, which... i have not seen any of the rumored aro elitism this implies at all. im sure there are some guys out there who exclude romance favorable aros, and they absolutely suck ass. but this is not a widespread problem at all. and i need you to put yourselves in the shoes of a romance repulsed aromantic person right now. someone who has just found the language for what theyve been struggling with all their lives, and theyre excited to find a community for people like them, a community thats supposed to be free from the talons of amatonormativity, only to find out most of the people there are still talking about their partners, their crushes, the romantic things they wanna do with their friends, etc. its isolating. this isnt to say aromanticism isnt a spectrum or that people shouldnt talk about their experiences as romance favorable aros, im just trying to get you to understand *why* repulsed aros can seem so irritable or aggressive at times.

so im sorry that romance repulsed aros expressing their frustration with the very fabric of society being against them hurt your feelings. but i think maybe thats just something youre gonna have to deal with. if you need tips on sucking it up then maybe ask a romance repulsed aro, we're used to it 👍

[scarabsinthestardust]

Better in the Morning // Ch. 5

MASTERLIST

Ouch. Sorry, guys.

Word count: 3017

CHAPTER WARNINGS: Language, drinking/severe alcoholism, vomiting, severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety, probably post-traumatic stress disorder on some level, a lot of talk about suicide/attempts, mentions of narcissism, manipulation, and emotional abuse

It was days like this I was grateful that Jake had given me a key to his house. Since that first night, I had only witnessed one other episode, and that was months ago. It was still difficult for him to open up during these times and reach out to me, when he was stuck so deep in his own head that all he could hear were those dark thoughts, but the warning signs were there: self-isolation, not answering texts or phone calls, and when he did talk it was mostly self-deprecating.

I had spoken to Josh to keep him in the loop and let him know I was on my way to check on his twin, assuring him I’d reach out if I needed him. I’m not sure how much he trusted me at this point, but he let me handle it.

It was still early in the evening when I arrived; the sun was just starting to go down. The house was dark and quiet as I’d expected. As I passed the kitchen, I noticed two empty whiskey bottles on the counter. The drinking was a little worrisome, but it wasn’t like he was constantly drunk, at least not on good days. During the bad days, though, it was as if he was trying to drown himself in it.

I expected to find him in his usual spot on the floor beside his bed, but he wasn’t there. The bathroom door was shut; I didn’t see any light coming from under it. I lightly tapped on the door, calling his name. When I got no answer, I tried to turn the doorknob. Locked. I knocked again and called out, louder this time. When all I received in response was silence, my heart dropped into my stomach. Memories from my childhood came rushing in, blurring my vision and putting a halt to the air I was trying to draw in. I was having a panic attack, something I hadn’t experienced in years. I was yelling and banging on the door, listening for any sign that he was okay. I tried to call his cell phone, praying to whatever gods I didn’t really believe in that he would answer, only to hear the vibrations from the bedside table.

I dialed Josh’s number, immediately launching into a blubbering mess when he answered, begging him to come. I don’t really remember what I said, or how much of it he understood through my cries, but he told me he was on the way and hung up.

I kept trying, even trying to force the door open or break the doorknob, but I wasn’t quite strong enough. I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart was beating so fast I thought it might stop. My chest hurt and my hands were numb and already starting to bruise from banging on the door. I couldn’t push the images from my head of what I thought I might find, what I remembered. Blood. Why is there blood everywhere? Screaming. Is he alive? Is he breathing? Water all over the floor. He looks so pale. Why is there so much blood?

After what felt like hours (although it must have only been ten or fifteen minutes), I heard the front door slam and Josh running up the stairs. He took one look at my hysterical state and turned his attention to the bathroom door. He banged on it so loud it felt as though it shook the whole house. “Jake, if you don’t open this fucking door, I’m gonna break it down!”

When he got no response either, he cursed under his breath and told me to stand back while he slammed himself shoulder first into the door. That was going to hurt tomorrow. It took a few attempts before the sound of splintering wood echoed through the room and the door flew open. I couldn’t breathe; I felt suffocated, expecting the worst-case scenario.

There was no blood. I choked on my sobs as Josh rushed to his twin, who was slumped against the bathtub on the floor. Please, please be okay.

“He’s just passed the fuck out. Jesus, Jake.” Josh slapped his cheek a few times in an attempt to wake him up, but to no avail. The smell of liquor was strong and judging from the bottle that lay broken on the floor, plus the two in the kitchen, he’d polished off at least three. Josh then turned on the sink and cupped his hand to splash some cold water on his brother. Jake’s eyes fluttered open for a moment before closing again as he fell unconscious again. He’s alive. He’s going to be okay. He’s still here. I repeated the words inside my head like a mantra, trying to bring myself back down from my panicked state.

Josh sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. “Can you help me get him into bed?”

We didn’t speak as we lifted him off the floor. He was basically dead weight, so it was a struggle to drag him over to the bed. I wanted so badly to stay with him, to hold him while he slept, but I was still wired, and I was starting to feel sick.

Josh got to work cleaning up the broken glass on the bathroom floor. I gently ran my hand through Jake’s hair before planting a kiss on his forehead and leaving the room.

It was so hot. Or maybe it was just me. I stepped outside the front door, welcoming the open air. I counted the cracks on the concrete. One. Two. Three. Four. My breath shuddered as I tried to control it, and my body was shaking. My eyes burned from crying and I’m sure they were bloodshot; I’m sure I looked like shit entirely. The adrenaline was starting to wear off and I suddenly felt very ill. I doubled over and emptied the contents of my stomach into the grass.

“Are you okay?”

I jumped at the sound of Josh’s voice. I didn’t hear him come outside. He stood there, looking at me with what was probably pity in his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry. I got scared. I’m sorry I freaked out.” I was still breathing so heavily I’m shocked I didn’t pass out, too.

He bit his lip and extended his hand. “C’mon, let’s go inside. I’ll get you some water.”

I nodded and followed him back inside. I didn’t have the energy to speak as he handed me a glass of cold water. We sat in silence for a while; I was grateful for the chance to get my breathing under control and my head straight. But just as I was beginning to feel like myself again, Josh had to go run his mouth and get my blood boiling.

“I understand if you can’t handle this.”

Sighing, I rubbed my eyes and sat up to meet his. “And what do you mean by that, Joshua?”

“I’m just saying that this isn’t going to go away. If it’s too much, if you can’t stick around for the next one-“

I glared at him and cut him off before he could finish his sentence. “Are we really having this conversation again? I’ve already told you I’m not fucking going anywhere. I’m sorry that I got scared. What was I supposed to do?”

“He’s not going to off himself, Kya.”

“No, he might just drink himself to death. So fuck me for being worried about him.” He was avoiding my gaze and absentmindedly picking at his cuticles. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Huh?”

I waited for him to lift his head so I could look him in the eyes when I spoke again. “He’s it for me, Josh. Do you think I’m bullshitting you when I tell you I love him more than anything? He is my everything. He’s my end game. I know things might not always be perfect or easy- what part of relationships is? We all have baggage, and I’m prepared to stand by him while he deals with his, no matter how bad it might get. I understand that you’re probably just trying to protect your brother, I get that, and maybe you don’t think I’m good enough for him or whatever, but for fuck’s sake stop trying to scare me off. Maybe man up and tell me what you’re fucking problem is so we can work through it like adults.”

I was absolutely fuming at this point. I had tried so hard to keep my cool with Josh, if only for Jake’s sake. I was so sick of him acting like he still couldn’t trust me after so long. It had been over a year- a year and three months to be exact. My frustration with him had only been building, and this was the icing on the cake, on top of all the stress tonight. His eyes started to well up with tears and I suddenly felt guilty.

“I’m sorry. You’re right.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’ve been an asshole to you.” I waited, forcing myself to be patient as he searched for his next words. “The last time Jake fell in love, that girl ripped his fucking heart out. She treated him like shit, like he didn’t mean anything to her.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the mention of his ex. “I told you. I’m not her.”

“She seemed really sweet at first, we all liked her. But she didn’t love him, she loved the idea of him. He fell hard for her, though. She messed with his head; a manipulative narcissist is what Sam called her. The first time she witnessed one of his episodes, you know what she did? She told him to grow up or just kill himself. He never really said this, but I think she genuinely tried to convince him to do it.”

“What the actual fuck?” I almost couldn’t believe what he was telling me.

“Yeah. And then she cheated on him, rubbed it in his face by sending him a clip of the sex tape, and said a bunch more really fucked up things to him that I won’t repeat. She messed him up. That was the only time I ever worried he might actually hurt himself. He never did, but… you know.” He shrugged and fiddled with a frayed spot on his pants. “But then you came along, and he’s been so happy. When you guys fought that night at the bar, he was terrified he was going to lose you. I was pissed at you for being mad at him when he didn’t do anything wrong. I guess I got scared, too. I don’t want to see him get hurt again.”

“I didn’t know about any of that,” I whispered. “What a cunt.”

He snorted. “Ain’t that the truth.”

“He never talks about her.”

“I don’t figure he would want to.”

“It’s gonna be on sight if that bitch ever shows her face, you know.”

I didn’t intend it as a joke, but Josh chuckled. “Careful, your crazy is showing.” I shot him the bird and he grinned. “I think you’re nuts, but he loves you. Actually,” he looked down at his lap again, but I swear he smiled. “I think you’re it for him, too.”

My heart swelled at his admission. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

He shrugged and smiled sadly. “It’s okay. It’s been a rough night.”

“I’m sorry that I freaked out, too. It all just hit a little too close to home for me.” I hugged my knees to my chest as Josh cocked his head inquisitively at me. This is the part where I would typically shut my mouth and tell myself no one needed to hear about my trauma. There were only a handful of people who knew the story. Did I really want Josh to be in that circle when I had not even told my own boyfriend? But despite the wedge between us, Josh had this aura around him that was warm and inviting. I found myself in a strange position of wanting to open up to him, to give him an explanation of why I reacted the way I did tonight. So, I took a deep breath and that’s what I did.

“I had a brother. Luca. He was two years older than me. He had sporadic episodes, too, like Jake, except he did hurt himself. A lot.” I chewed on my bottom lip as the anxiety rose up in my chest. “Jake doesn’t know. I don’t know why I haven’t told him, I just…” I shook my head.

“What happened to him?” Josh’s voice was soft and gentle, letting me know he was listening.

I was already in the water, and it was too late to get out now. “He was my best friend. He was funny and sweet; he took care of me when our dad couldn’t. When he was at his best, he was all contagious smiles and laughter, the sun personified. But when he was at his lowest, he wasn’t my brother anymore. And I never knew which side of him I was going to get.” I sucked in a deep breath to fight off the tears threatening to spill. “He tried to end it a few times. I was 11 when he locked himself in the bathroom. They busted the door down and he had cut his wrists in the bathtub. I thought… I thought it was going to be Jake’s blood all over the tile when you opened that door.”

I didn’t notice that Josh had stood and walked over to the couch, sitting next to me and putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“He didn’t die that night. I sometimes wish he had.” I didn’t want to see the look Josh was surely giving me. I’m sure he was judging me. “I wish he had, because a few years later, I found him in the woods by our house with a gun to his head. He looked me dead in the eyes and pulled the trigger. He blew his fucking brains out right in front of me. I was 14. And sometimes I hate him for it.”

“Fucking hell,” Josh whispered. I was crying now, my head buried in my hands in a pathetic attempt to hide it, vaguely aware of him rubbing a hand up and down my back.

“I think maybe… I haven’t told Jake because I don’t want him to feel guilty. And… I know he isn’t Luca. Luca’s been gone for a long time, and right now, Jake’s the one that needs me. I’m gonna take care of him, because I love him. So much.”

Both of our heads shot up and the sound of a distinctive thump, followed by a cough. I stood and followed the sound, only to find Jake seated on the staircase, on one of the bottom steps, his head leaned up against the wall. Bloodshot and tear-filled eyes came up to meet mine, emphasized by dark circles. “Baby,” I sat next to him and pulled him into my arms. “How long have you been sitting here?”

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you.”

I shushed him. “It’s okay, and you’re okay. That’s what matters.” I held onto him, listening to his uneven breaths. Josh peeked at us from around the corner, looking just as exhausted as I felt. “Jake, baby, you want to come lay on the couch with me?” Once seated on the couch, Josh handed him a glass of water, which he took a tiny sip of before abandoning on the coffee table. I coaxed him to lie down, his head in my lap. The overwhelming smell of liquor flooded my nostrils, but I’d drag him into the shower later. Right now, he needed rest, and probably some assurance that he was loved.

He fell asleep like that, spread across the couch, holding onto my hand like his life depended on it. Josh gently tossed a throw blanket on top of him and retreated to his spot on the recliner. I wasn’t in the most comfortable position, but I didn’t dare move Jake. I rested my free hand on his head, doing my best to smooth out his knotted hair. Josh dozed off next, curled up in the recliner.

I know I didn’t sleep much, but eventually I opened my eyes to the room lit by the early morning sun. Jake was still sleeping. The faint sound of a toilet flushing indicated that Josh was already up, and I realized I desperately needed to pee. I gently nudged Jake awake and he blinked at me sleepily. He mumbled an apology, which I brushed off, reassuring him he didn’t have a damn thing to apologize for.

After relieving myself and cleaning up a little, I returned to Jake, laid back down on the couch. He complained of a pounding headache; that made sense considering he was probably extremely hungover. The way his sad eyes avoided mine and his lack of interest in getting up from the couch was a clear sign that he hadn’t gotten out of his head yet. He was still suffering.

With some help from Josh, I managed to coax Jake into the shower. His energy was nonexistent. I stayed with him, taking the chance to shower myself. I helped him wash and comb out his matted hair; he seemed to enjoy it, and I didn’t mind taking the time to do it. I understand that caring for someone like that isn’t for everyone. It can be stressful and time consuming, but I didn’t regret making this decision. He was my everything, despite the bad nights and the fear that dwelled in my gut. When have I ever let fear control me, though?

I would do whatever he needed me to, whatever would make him understand that he wasn’t alone, and I was never going to let him deal with this alone. Whatever shit came for him, we’d face it together.

[realredbanana]

Totally random thought. I’d love to read/write a Sara-centric fic/character study focused around identity and lack there of, especially in regard to autism. (Mild warning, I may be accidentally projecting a bit here as she is a character I personally deeply relate to).

Like, I’d love to explore/see someone explore her feelings around herself and who she is, because for a lot of (if not the entirety of) the series, she’s masking. Constantly. (Oo, would also love to explore the consequences of that) and constantly masking to that extent, on top of being absolutely exhausting, can realistically lead to a lack of any real identity. For example, personally, I have no real idea of where the mask ends and I begin, is the mask part of me? If it isn’t, why can’t I just switch it off? If it is why doesn’t it feel like me? So, I’d love to actually think deeper about that in regard to Sara.

Additionally, she’s mixed race. And since Micke’s out of the picture, it’s not unreasonable to assume that her, Simon and Linda see (or at least speak to) Linda’s side of the family more than Micke’s, which could potentially make Sara feel at least a little bit awkward given that she’s white-passing and has much less desire to speak Spanish (potentially because of bullying? Or general fear of being further ostracised?). That could easily lead to a feeling of not being Swedish enough to easily fit in with the white Swedish kids, yet not Venezuelan enough to easily fit in with the rest of her family. (This is the bit where I’m most concerned about slightly projecting because, while I am white, I was born in England (with mostly English family) yet I’ve spent most of my life in Wales, leading to a general feeling of being ‘not Welsh enough to be Welsh in Wales, but not English enough to be English in England’).

Plus, she was considered an outsider amongst the girls (and boys, really) who were experiencing crushes for the first time at, what, 12? 13?? 14??? Whereas she first experienced romantic/sexual attraction at 17, almost 18, much later than everyone else. And, as much as this sucks, I know that a fairly large part of the Teen Experience™️ is crushes. Talking about crushes. Teasing your friends about their crushes. Trying to talk to your crushes. Etc. So, to be quite late to experience your first crush (if you ever do) is quite isolating. You very quickly realise “ah. I see. I’m not normal.” — and to have any part of your identity built on top of this feeling of “I’m not normal” is kind of really horrific. Also, when she does experience that attraction, it happens to be towards someone who is, one, her first ever friend’s ex and, two, the guy who leaked CP of her brother, which really complicates everything. So, she’s suddenly forced to juggle her crush (something that may, on some level, make her feel “more normal”) alongside the fact that being with August means betraying Felice and Simon (and, when it came to Felice, well, Felice already expressed that she wasn’t ever really in love with August, and with Simon she felt like he’d betrayed her first (by speaking to Micke)).

On top of all of these things, Sara also seemed to be losing interest in horses, to some extent, in s3. And losing/feeling on the brink of losing a special interest is something I’d never wish on anybody. Especially because a special interest can be/is a very core part of most autistic people’s identities (like, my interest in Young Royals is a core part of me, in fact, I find it easiest to understand the world around me through Young Royals) and losing that can be deeply painful, like, you’re actually grieving the loss of a major part of yourself. Imagine feeling your most intense interest, the thing that you feel makes you you, the thing that helped you whenever you felt really tired or sad or stressed, slipping away through your fingers. Nothing you can do to prevent it from fading, and the more you try to cling to it the quicker it fades. It’s a deeply distressing experience.

Just. In general, I feel like identity for Sara must almost be this complicated seeming mess of feeling like you don’t really belong anywhere. Which just feels horrifically tragic to me.

[moontheoretist]

The issue with what Jedi are doing here is that on the surface it looks like they're respecting the kids autonomy, desires and choices, but on the other hand they're also preying on the child's curiosity and thirst for the outside world to lure them into their Order. Osha wants to be a Jedi but only because they look cool and represent the outside that she craves to see so much. Mae on the other hand is satisfied with what she has in her home, she is not curious about the outside world at all. If the witches weren't hunted, Osha's dream may have come true, but because they were persecuted the isolation was for their own protection as well as children's, not to abuse the kids or isolate them from the outside world on purpose. If the witches were not hunted and still insisted on isolation then it'd be a bad thing to do, but in the circumstances they are now, it's understandable. And it's also what fuels Osha to want to leave them. She knows logically that they're hunted, but she never experienced it, so she doesn't truly understand why she has to hide when there is a vast new world outside that she wants to see. And Jedi are actively preying on this, while playing the good guys at the same time. Osha doesn't know who Jedi truly are and therefore she can't make an informed decision. She doesn't have any knowledge she can compare them against, other than what she was told in the coven. And even what she was told is not enough when not confronted with real life experience. She can't believe them to be bad like Mae does, because she never experienced it, and she refuses to believe the cautionary words of her coven without proof that they're legitimate. Normally that's a good quality not to believe what you are told, but when you have no way to check it and your only source of info are the people themselves who also at the same time have an agenda to recruit you, you will not end up with the objective view on the matter at all. To do so Osha would have to be exposed to far more than the coven or the Jedi alone, and only then she would be able to decide. Meanwhile she is just 8yo girl who is curious about the outside world, awed by the Jedi's novel appearance and beliefs. In this sense Jedi are only an excuse to leave the stuffy place she was suffocating in. They knowingly gave her an out that they knew she wanted. They presented her with a new path that she desperately wants to follow.

We can see that even her mother wants it to be Osha's choice. She doesn't want to force Osha to be someone she doesn't want to be like a good mother. But Mae doesn't understand it. She thinks they're the same and want the same. But they're different, like twins tend to be. They're not the same person, they are distinct and have different wants and desires. Mae doesn't get it and feels betrayed when Osha seeks her own autonomy, because she rejects Mae by doing so. But Mae does the very same. She rejects Osha every time she says they're the same. Both of them can't understand the other and that's the sort of conflict they should have resolved far earlier. And if they couldn't do so on their own, adults around them should have helped them to do so. But instead they were too focused on training them for Ascention to focus on what to them looked like petty squables between children rather than an existential issue that would affect them and the way they can actually work together to use the Thread. Resolving conflict like this should have been a major priority for the coven to ensure that they were on the same page before the Ascention. In this sense you could have said that the coven failed them. In turn their relationship slowly deteriorated. Osha was seeking individuality while constantly pressured by Mae to be the same as her because she believes they are, which in turn made Osha want to get out and seek freedom. And that was enough to a bunch of outsiders to gain a new Jedi initiate.

At the same time Osha's decision was something Mae couldn't take. As far as she was concerned they were one and should stay together, but Osha didn't want to and it hurt Mae. Mae then turned that hurt into anger. She became dominering and imposing, trying to assert dominance over Osha, whom she perceived as part of herself rebelling against her will, and when it didn't work she decided that it's better to have a dead sister than the one who chose to leave her behind. It's a scream for help if anything else. She didn't want to be alone. Couldn't handle to be left alone. But she also was unwilling to understand Osha and see where she was coming from, which lead to a disaster. In the end tho it was neither Mae's or coven's fault. Everything bad can be traced back to the Jedi of that era who trampled over others.

[deusexmachinawitch]

My vacation (without work, no one around me, etc…) just started, total isolation. I’m embodying how I would feel if I lived totally by myself and got my desires.

Just a few hours of making my list of things I wanted to manifest, my first manifestation happened.

With this story, I just want you guys to know that you don’t have to be totally specific to manifest something. I put in my wishbook that I wanted a new phone that wasn’t an iPhone, that had a good processor, a very good camera and that it would be a perfect balance between power and aesthetic. Plus, that I wanted a phone that had cute Kuromi cases with strap options and such. I am not the most knowledgeable about phones, so it was like asking the Universe to give me something specific even though I didn’t know exactly what it could be.

And suddenly… My Mom just offered me her old phone because she fell in love with another one since my manifestation for a wealthy mom is happening little by little and now she can afford buying whatever she wants whenever she wants because of her getting raises and financial freedom. And her old phone happens to be a 2022 Galaxy Flip 4 which I have never seen in my life and that thing is the most aesthetic phone I’ve seen. It is exactly the phone I wanted even though I didn’t even know exactly what the hell I wanted.

The thing is, my Mom wasn’t this financially stable before and I didn’t know she even had that phone. I swear that as far as I remember, my pre-revision!Mom had a very old bad phone and was complaining she couldn’t renew it. But today, my Mom told me that she has had this phone for a while and while she loves it, she wants to be up to date with the trends and fell in love with this other phone.

The thing is that, I’ve been living so many glitches in my timeline since I started my journey that I have mix feelings of shock but at the same time I’m not even surprised. The only problem is that I have to keep notes constantly to not feel lost with all the glitches. Especially today because there was a lot of things that weren’t in my reality before?

I don’t want to jump the gun and say it was the weird subliminals of yesterday… But, what if…?

I wish I knew someone who experienced something like this so I could talk about it. I admit that when I joined this community, I wasn’t expecting much but now I’m just… Living some sort of constant parallel reality witchcraft thing? I’m very grateful though, it’s just that I don’t know how to get used to this since my former reality was drastically different.

EDIT: I’m actually drowsy right now so I’m going to try listening to the subliminals again and see if there’s any changes tomorrow. I don’t know if to make some sort of report for a week just listening to these weird subliminals and writing in my wish book.

[yandere-sins]

hi! could you tell me, which do you think is the most effective yan type, and why? because while i could see the manipulative might be the best long term, i also think a sadist would be quicker to get you to submit to stop the pain. would the obsessive’s persistance unsettle you to the point of pulling away, or will having someone so attentive to your needs trap you in a situation where you can’t help but feel comfortable? would the delusional drive you mad to anger, or mad to where you can’t distinguish between what they tell themself and what they tell you? stuff like that, tell us your thoughts!

Oh, that's really just a personal kind of question for everyone...

Like, for me, if I am completely honest to myself, I'd probably be not an easy target for a manipulator, but only if they go for the long run, it might be my downfall. I just try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume the good in people, as well as you said I am fairly easy to read I think. (Also lowkey desperate to be liked, lol.) So if they play their cards right and take their time, I could totally be gaslit I think. It makes me wary and I don't really have the intention to make new friends constantly, but if they show genuine interest and wait out the doubts, I wouldn't have much to defend myself with.

I can see though that someone who might have experienced abuse in any form before won't fall as easily for a manipulator because of their wariness, but would ultimately been broken down by someone that is physically subduing them, whether with violence or by punishing them with more abuse like taking away their food, isolation, etc. Some people would easily fall into the trap that, once the punishment is over, they cling to their yandere for a while just to not go through it again. Because it is safer and more comfortable in their mind, just as they were taught from their earlier experiences.

As for the delusionals, it has the same base as the obsessive yans. If you don't see eye to eye with them, they'll put you through what they are trying to make you believe is bad to the point where you have to agree if just for the sake of them stopping. Slowly but surely, you'll begin to stop yourself from doing what you want, just to not upset them again, and that's what they want.

It might be a stretch and not everyone will agree, but it's how I see it, based on the fact that humans have basic needs and emotional needs that are still deeply anchored into our brains/nerve system. (I mean, wanting to be liked basically was a survival skill because if the group forced you out then you'd probably have died in the ice age or so.) (My therapist really likes brains and how they work, don't be surprised.)

The problem about a sadist is that they won't stop (because they like seeing you in pain), so after a while you probably learn to deal with the pain, more than you submit to them longterm. And that will raise more defiance, unless you are very shaken by physical pain.

And in the end, no matter what type, if they stick around for too long there is always the risk to fall into Stockholm Syndrom, soooo.

I think I will hand this question over, now that we have these cute little polls, because it's so dependant on your own personality and experiences. So if you guys like, think about the question and feel free to leave your vote!

As always, discussions and replies are welcome ♥

[reikunrei]

unsurprisingly once again thinking abt how Cool and Good it would have been to really lean into the disparity between the albert that haru made up in his head vs the real life albert. like haru finally had this opponent who made him get that itch to compete, but the "opponent" that we see through haru's eyes is totally different from every other scene we actually have with albert...

like him goofing off at the arcade... the awkward lunch with haru where he's totally out of his element... "that water favors you, i can tell :]"... him really being Just Some Guy who clearly wants to socialize and make friends but is constantly being yanked around and isolated by his coach instead... even the locker room scene where he's basically like "i'm just here to swim, get paid, and leave"

and Yes he is scary and intimidating in the water bc of his skill, but he's not like... aggressive about it. he's very *shrugs* about the whole thing

and thinking abt the end of fs1 when haru's being ~possessed by the spirit of albert~ but, again, up until that point we had Never seen albert actually be manipulative or deliberately wheedle into haru's head like that. it was All Haru's Own Doing. he made that shit up because he finally got bit by that competitive bug and suddenly developed a drive to Be Better Than The Best. but he had to make albert into an enemy (and i guess... sort of felt like he had to blame someone else for what he was experiencing rather than acknowledge that he was sending himself into a spiral for no reason?)

and that's so interesting to me !!! i wish they had really leaned into it more!!! because there's such a difference in the way he swims w his friends (specifically thinking of s1 rin and s3 ikuya) and how it's about bettering the other person/sharing an experience together, vs him competing with albert is about trying to better himself, but that's taking the focus off of what truly made him enjoy and thrive in swimming in the first place. and it's forcing him to misrepresent an entire whole person who isn't trying to make his life hell, actually

i just wish !! the finale wasn't so focused on the competition side of things and stuck with the s1 and s2 mantra of "it doesn't matter what happens, so long as we have fun and make our bonds stronger" bc focusing on the competition sort of... stripped haru of his whole purpose, methinks

[frasier-crane-style]

I'm not sure Ahsoka is even a story

People have been comparing the writing to an AI and... they've got a point there. I mean, stuff happens... barely... but it's like there's no attempt to dramatize or sex things up or impart any excitement or conflict or nuance into the story. Dave Filoni has one move and it's spamming lightsaber fights and starship dogfights constantly.

(Speaking of which, remember in the movies when lightsaber fights would end with SOMEONE dying or at least being maimed? People get IMPALED in Ahsoka and they're there in the next scene like "get some sleep, you need it." Like being impaled by a lightsaber is a cold. Not even a bad cold. They might as well put the lightsabers away and settle things by arm-wrestling, it resolves as much!)

(I'm convinced that Marrok was a studio note added at the last minute because someone realized they had made a show with eight hours of people trying to kill each other with laser swords and no one actually dying.)

I actually read a quote by Timothy Zahn where his idea was that, in their decade-long exile together, Thrawn and Ezra had been forced into an uneasy alliance against an even greater threat. Like, yeah! That's dramatic! That's Something and not Nothing.

When you watch the show, though, it's more like they've just gone off to summer camp. Ezra sees Sabine again and he's just like "hi, how are you?" He's older and he hasn't changed at all. Neither has Thrawn. He's painted his Star Destroyer a bit and he calls his Stormtroopers Nighttroopers now (surely not to sell new merchandise instead of the same old action figures)... other than that, no change in his character whatsoever. Same guy.

Oh, he's teamed up with the Nightsisters, but that just amounts to him getting the obligatory Imperial superweapon. Does anyone really think this isn't going to turn into another plot coupon quest to stop him from using his new toy to destroy the New Republic before it gets destroyed anyway?

I mean, how can you not brainstorm SOMETHING interesting happening with this setup? It's impressive! A kind of anticreativity.

What if Sabine was in love with Ezra, then gets there and finds out he's gotten hitched to a cute Rodian or something. Or maybe he's gone kind of mad with isolation and is using the Dark Side, but doesn't know better in his crazed state?

Or Thrawn could be this Colonel Kurtz figure who's gone around the bend and his Stormtroopers all worship him like a cult leader. Like, right now, what does he even have against the New Republic? Why does he like the Empire so much? What is he trying to achieve? What benefit does he get from challenging the NR over simply suing for peace? It's insane--this one specific character is meant to be a galaxy-killing threat based solely on him as a person, but we know nothing about him as a person. (And he squeaks out a victory over three people, BARELY, and we're supposed to buy that the universe should be quaking in its boots.)

Filoni actually even stumbles upon a good vein of drama. Sabine betrays the galaxy to save her platonic friend. No one cares. Ezra doesn't care, Ahsoka doesn't care--why should the audience care?

Ahsoka trains Sabine to be a Jedi (that's its own rant, by the way), but stops because she worries Sabine will go the same way as Anakin. Jedi are all about nonattachment and Mandalorians are all about clans and lineage. Then, at the worst possible moment, Sabine proves her right, makes the exact same choice that Anakin did to go with saving a loved one over the fate of the galaxy... and Ahsoka just shrugs and goes "eh, no big!"

And I get it. I'm a comic book fan. I don't want to see noble, experienced characters flying off the handle at the drop of a hat and attacking their loved ones because it's their turn to hold the conflict ball. But these characters have no emotions at all! I don't care how good a person you are, if your bestie sells a nuke to Neo-Nazis to get you out of debt, you should probably raise your voice a little.

Also, is the last episode the first time they actually set up that Ahsoka and Sabine's conflict is over this "I'm afraid of her turning out like Anakin" thing? Well after it's resolved? Why? You have eight hours of TV show, you can set this up early on and then pay it off later (not next season, but later).

'Ahsoka has an astral-plane pow-wow with Anakin and gets over her issues' is a decent plot, but you have to actually depict her issues ahead of time, you have to dramatize them in a certain way so we know what the heck you're talking about!

Imagine if in Back To The Future, the first time we saw George McFly was when he punched out Biff and saved Lorraine. You wouldn't care at all, right? It's just a guy punching another guy. We have to know that George is a pussy and that Biff is his tormentor and that he's in love with Lorraine from afar--once we know all that context, THEN it's a triumph for him to punch Biff.

Your show can't just be people punching each other out! It also has to be reasons to give a shit about the punching!

You don't have to spell everything out, but you can't just show Rosario Dawson crossing her arms and expect us to know "oh, she's traumatized from Anakin becoming Darth Vader, she never got over that." You have to put that into words and imagery! Show us her ACTING! Let us RELATE to her! Introduce these people to us and let us get to know them! You can't coast on everyone already liking them because they look like old cartoon characters.

[toothmarqed]

will graham has bpd

according to me and i’m just one guy projecting so take it with a grain of salt but

- obviously has abandonment issues - his mother left when he was a child, and hannibal isolates will from jack by planting the seed that he is being abandoned (“in the way a god abandons his creations”) which will must believe to some extent because it changes his behavior toward jack (re: the entire angel maker episode)

- all his major relationships in the show can be characterized by unstable and intense. alana, a relationship formed out of impulse, who dropped him when she decided he was “too unstable.” jack, who he constantly comes and goes with (trust then mistrust, hate then love, all black and white). abigail, who he bonds with abnormally fast, who he idealizes to the point that he cannot accept her involvement in her fathers crimes (he literally has a mental break when he splits on her and is so angry he hallucinates killing her.. yes encephalitis but the Content of the hallucination is very much a product of his own headspace) and who he really only is close to in his head. will spends very little time with her, and a whole lot of time putting her on a pedestal (he does not know who she is! he only knows the image of her he’s created in his head, which is a split object characterizing exclusively goodness!) and then hannibal, who he very much has a similar idealization-devaluation pattern with (idealizing throughout s1 and then flipping back and forth in s2) and a very intense and unhealthy attachment to in general, as we all know

- very intense and labile emotions, as seen in how reactive he is to absolutely everything and how Constantly Flooded with feelings he is, not only other’s but his own (though high empathy is also a trait many people with bpd have)

- unstable and negative sense of self - says multiple times in s1 he doesn’t know who he is, and it is very easy for him to “blend” into others and take on their characteristics/feelings to the point where he doesn’t know where he ends an the other begins. this also happens with hannibal. during s2 and s3 he has a more “stable” self, although this is because he has fused with a singular person now - his fp, hannibal. it’s very common for people with bpd to attach their sense of self to their fp

- impulsivity - shooting hobbs, kissing alana, calling hannibal. there are bits of impulsivity we see here and there, so combined with the emotional lability, i’d mark him down for this one

- chronic emptiness we don’t see much of, but him not being able to stand a “normal life” and returning to hannibal in s3 does point to severe boredom, which often exemplifies or contributes to the emptiness borderlines feel

- anger issues - i don’t think i even have to go into this one. every episode the man is boiling over with rage

- dissociates due to the encephalitis, but i believe he has prone to dissociation before the encephalitis, and it brought out that particular trait in him

- i think it’s likely that the combination of his high empathy and a genetic predisposition combined to form his bpd, because experiencing other’s emotions viscerally (something a child already can’t handle) in an invalidating environment (louisiana in like the 80s?? while constantly moving homes/schools) is enough to make anyone mentally ill. and that’s forgoing the possibility that there was other trauma

[lumiereandcogsworth]

22, 24, 40. I think I know the answer to number 1 but I'll ask that too because I know how much you like to write about them 😆

1. who is/are your comfort character(s)? oh golly my friend you spoil me!!!!! hehehe. well of course my comfort characters are adam and belle. and honestly i would include belle’s father maurice as well because i go through those periods of time where i am just fully only thinking about him. it’s like adam and belle go on some fancy little trip or something and my brain just stays home and latches onto maurice while they’re away LMAO. maurice is just so sweet and carries so much trauma and guilt in him and i love exploring it. how wonderful his time was with maria and then how quickly it was all snatched away from him… him raising his daughter all on his own and just DEALING with life. AGH. i love that guy.

but anyway, adam is definitely number one. i connect to him in so many ways (even beyond my own understanding) and i just. love him so much. like he’s just in my HEAD. 90% of my fics are just accidentally from his perspective. like i try to keep it neutral between the two of them but it always ends up being more in his head than belle’s. adam’s my homeboy he’s my lad he’s my sweet cheese!!! i’m endlessly defensive of him to the rest of the world and constantly proud of him in his own. his growth and learning to trust the goodness in his life, after all the shittiness he’s experienced, it’s just So Good.

i also love belle so so so much!!! SO MUCH!!! i just posted a character study about her becoming a queen and wife and mother when she never remotely imagined she’d get to be those things and just like. exploring her thoughts on it. and it was really fun!! i DO have big thoughts about her!! i also connect to her A LOT, she’s such a wonderful character and i hope to continue exploring her. she’s brilliant and kind but she’s also got this thorny sadness to her that makes it even more compelling. she’s not as perfect as adam thinks she is. that’s why they need each other so much! they’re both hurt from their pasts, from being isolated and feeling like no one in the world understood them, and now they have each other and it’s just!!!! AHHH.

22. what type of person are you? oh man i definitely don’t have the self-awareness to answer that. i’m… hopefully good? i think i’m very loyal… maybe funny sometimes? i don’t like socializing at all (it’s the autism) so i am probably something of a loner. though i also feel quite lonely at times. feel like no one understands me but that’s no one’s fault, i just don’t understand myself. hm. anyway i’ll move on before this turns into a therapy session.

24. if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? i think we’d be eating some sort of fast food and maybe a movie would be playing on a laptop. we’d have blankets on and our laughter from the movie would echo out to the rest of the cityscape.

40. did you have any snacks today? well not yet i just woke up!! last night though i ate some cheese puffs which are among my absolute favorite snacks <3

weird asks!