#GOD i hate myself so much for not going when they came to brasil that one time

[holduwheremyheartis]

ngl im clinging to like 0.1% of hope that Dan and Phil will announce some latam dates (and maybe I will cling to that hope until the tour is over lmao) 🤡

[contextualstudieslorena]

IS BEING A PART OF THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY A TREND?

+Throughout the years’ many people are seen coming out as queer. And nowadays it is even more common to see queer characters in media as something that is becoming normalised. For example, in this early graph made by Gallup, (an American analytics and advisory company based in Washington, D.C.) we can see that the amount of people ‘coming out ‘ and identifying as a part of the LGBT community grows every year. Yet, it is seen to be more common in people who are born from 2002 to 1997, that being generation Z. After that, being Millenials, who are followed by generation X. Besides that, it can be seen that few traditionalists identify as LGBT, for a reason that I will be talking about in this essay.

We can also see in the graft that those numbers rise throughout the years. And why does this happen? Is it because Millennials and Gen Z started a new trend of being queer? Or is it because they feel more comfortable talking about issues that used to be hidden before.

Queer representation has indeed been growing a lot, if not in movies or magazines, Kids nowadays can spot a drag queen only looking through social media, or even Netflix, a Movie platform that has been seen adding a lot of queer characters to their movies and shows. If Netflix is doing a good job at bringing awareness and representation that is another conversation but compared to 10 years ago, it is noticeable that every day queer representation grows more and more.

Yet, the only place we can see this is in media, as there is not much of it in the regular history classes we have at school.

It is also important to note that kids can be very moldable. They spend more than 11 years of their life copying exactly everything they see, that being something positive or not. And that happens so often, that a boy died in Indonesia after trying to copy the fictional superhero Spider-Man. ‘Police are investigating if a five-year-old boy in Jakarta was trying to mimic Spider-Man after he jumped out a window to his death after being told he couldn’t watch the latest movie in the franchise.’. And as surprising as this can be, it shows kids and teenagers can be influenced by something so much, they will try to mimic it, which might be happening to all the Gen Z adults who grew up with media shoving down LGBT content down their throats. As well as that, they can also be following their friend’s choices to come out and can be even lying to their own selves for attention.

I could spend an enormous amount of time writing about how social media can affect peoples sexuality and gender but I’d rather do something more educating and look at the past. Where humans started coming together as tribes and living in a society, having to deal with the presence of each other and create romantic and social relationships.

When talking about same-gender relationships the queer community mentions how normal gay relationships are in nature. Petter Boeckman, Norweigan Zoologist would say that more than 1500 species of animals have been seen having some type of homosexual interaction, those not only being mammals but as Boeckman stated "We're talking about everything from mammals to crabs and worms. The actual number is of course much higher. Among some animals homosexual behaviour is rare, some having sex with the same gender only a part of their life, while other animals, such as the dwarf chimpanzee, homosexuality is practised throughout their lives." as well as that, he then compares chimpanzees to humans who identify as homosexual "If a female has sex with a male one time, but thousands of times with another female, is she bisexual or homosexual? This is the same way to have children is not unknown among homosexual people.". However, Petter wasn’t the only one who found homosexual interactions between animals, Kurt Kotrschal, a known biologist for researching these types of behaviours has confirmed that these ty pes of relationships are beneficial for the species.

I am mentioning animals not only to show that homosexuality is natural to other species but because they can be even more related to indigenous people.

Indigenous people are the ones who can be seen the most in contact with nature. They have decades of history of not having any contact with other human beings than the ones that were located in the same tribe as them, and as much as they would fight with other tribes and move around they still had their tribes, where they would create relationships in and settle their tents. They didn’t have any contact with books and science before the colonizers came in 1500 and even after that many tribes weren’t discovered by them in the middle of the Amazon forest, so many of them didn’t even get to be influenced by the Europeans and their racism and misogynistic views and homophobic religion.

The point I want to make is that indigenous people are the ones who are the closest to animals, and if they saw an animal do a homosexual interaction, they would probably see it as something that is intended to happen and not weird, as animals don’t have a perception of that is morally wrong or not. They are a part of nature, different from the Europeans who colonized them who were already influenced by the church and their extremist ideas. And as much as it would be wonderful to have indigenous people be so open-minded as they were, Colonization happened, and with that, so did a period where Europeans found the need to force their catholic beliefs on them, as well as bringing many diseases and suffering. Cieza de Leon, a chronicler of the conquest in Peru once said, and I quote ‘ Within a somewhat different framework. During the colonial years, indigenous morality changed, partly as a result of contact with the Europeans.’She also believes and argues that indigenous people had a spiritual justification for doing anal sex with their partners ( which is now seen as something Queer people are more familiar with), that being in a same-sex or straight relationship. This spiritual justification had to do with their religious beliefs. While Colonial Latin American societies would see anal sex within their own beliefs, Iberian societies would see sodomy as a way of showing male dominance.

There are not that many pieces of evidence of Queer indigenous people in history, as the colonizers would murder them and force them to stop being who they truly were. However, there’s an engraving that shows a little bit more about their experience as trans indigenous people in colonial times. In this engraving made by Theodor de Bry in 1594 as part of his Les Grands Voyages, we can see how this homophobia is well represented. In the art piece, 8 men are shown wearing noble clothes, and between them was Vasco Nunez de Balboa, a man known for being a Spanish nobleman who conquered Panama. But what is atrocious about this art piece is what is in front of them, 3 men being eaten alive by dogs after being demanded to do so by the nobleman, after being seen dressed as women. However, what is most ironic about this engraving is the way it’s presented, which plays when seeing the men standing above them. Who present themselves in a feminine way earring clothes that could nowadays be considered quite puffy and girly. This engraving is only the beginning of what queer indigenous people had to go through, of course not mentioning the amount of evidence of homophobia that was probably erased through the time. To summarize Brazil’s colonization process, the European view on lust, nudity, polygamy, cannibalism, sodomy and homosexuality which was normal to indigenous people, was considered to be against nature and gods will, and their job was to basically baptise as many natives as they wanted and shove catholic ideas down their throat.

Yves d’Evreux, a french capuchin priest delivered a highly dramatic letter, that presented his reaction on how he encountered an indigenous that could be considered a trans man. His trip to Northern Brasil (1613-1614) surprised him , as he reacted in a negative way towards them. As he wrote ‘There is, in Juniparan, in the Island, a hermaphrodite, in the exterior more man than a woman, since he has the face and the voice of woman, with fine, flexible and long hair, however [he] was married and had children (...). (d’Evreux, 1874, p. 90) he then mentions this man again, as he ran after him with the French to ‘purify his soul’ and kill him, he was then captured and chained under the fort of Sao Luis and was obliged to say the following ‘You will die for your crimes, we approve your death and I myself want to light the fuse for the Frenchmen to know and to see that we hate your evil deeds [...]: when Tupan sends someone to take your body, if you want to have in the Heaven the long hair and the body of a woman instead of that of a man, ask Tupan to give you the woman’s body and to be resurrected woman, and you will be in Heaven on the side of women and not of men. (d’Evreux, 1874, p. 232). This however is just a glimpse of what transgender people had to go through during colonial times and still to this day. The queer community is a community that is supposed to help everyone, but that doesn’t focus much on the history of indigenous people and how much they suffered.

In conclusion, as much as nowadays, people can be highly influenced by others, the LGBTQ community has been around for a rather long time and it is not something that the newest generation has made up. From the colonization times till nowadays, queer people have felt oppressed and the necessity to ‘stay in the closet’ and not be their true selves while being afraid of getting judged or even murdered by random people or even close ones. However, nowadays people have been talking more about important issues such as homophobia, sexism and racism, which is making queer people feel more comfortable Even though, they are still fighting for their rights, and they’re still in the long run, protesting for all the people who have died since Europeans somehow decided that god found their sexual choices to be unnatural and demoniac. Now, what is left for us to do is to create a healthy environment and show more representation in media every single day, so more queer people feel comfortable without having to spend their entire lives fighting and running away from who they are. Being queer is not a trend, but queer people have been being hidden from us our entire lives. They were always there, and they are always going to be there.

Bibliography:

Partal, Y., 2021. Are there gay animals in nature? Homosexuality in the animal world. [online] Zoo Portraits. Available at: <https://www.zooportraits.com/animal-homosexuality/> [Accessed 5 April 2021].

Sigal, P., 2003. Infamous desire. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press, p.2.

Fernandes, E. and Arisi, B., 2017. Gay Indians in Brazil. 1st ed. Springer.

News-Medical.net. 2021. 1,500 animal species practice homosexuality. [online] Available at: <https://www.news-medical.net/news/2006/10/23/1500-animal-species-practice-homosexuality.aspx> [Accessed 9 April 2021].

New York Post. 2021. 5-year-old boy dies ‘trying to be Spider-Man’. [online] Available at: <https://nypost.com/2014/05/04/5-year-old-boy-dies-trying-to-be-spider-man/> [Accessed 9 April 2021].

Jackson, A., Thomas, M. and Steffen, A., 2021. Homosexuality Is Natural. [online] Exposing The Truth. Available at: <https://www.exposingtruth.com/homosexuality-is-natural/> [Accessed 9 April 2021].

Buchholz, K., 2021. Infographic: 5.6 Percent of U.S. Adults Identify as LGBT. [online] Statista Infographics. Available at: <https://www.statista.com/chart/18228/share-of-americans-identifying-as-lgbt/> [Accessed 9 April 2021].

Pictures:

1475. Spanish Explorer Ordering Native Indians To Be Torn Pieces By Dogs Copper Engraving 16Th Century. [image] Available at: <http://www.latinamericanstudies.org/debry-atrocities.htm> [Accessed 9 April 2021].

n.d. Two indigenous women kissing at an LGBTQ+ pride parade. [image] Available at: <http://@indigenasLGBTQ> [Accessed 9 April 2021].

n.d. Trans (We’wha (Zuni) circa 1849-1896 Mexican Indigenous woman. [image].

[a-dd-i-c-t-ed]

first

Hi i guess uhh..

So I just started to write what was on my mind as a one shot. It based on music The neighbourhood - Stuck with me..

Sorry for the grammar mistakes it’s not my first language problaly shit and noone ever going to read it but why not.

(Picture not mine)

———————-

I was looking out of the window.

The trees had beautifull green crown. I listened the music and thinking about “what if..?” “I could at least say something..”

I looked up the sky and I felt like someone already sitting in my chest. Maybe it was him.

My thoughts was about to blow my mind up. I know him for 7 years. I just don’t want to ruin but now I feel like if I can’t say it out loud it going to hurt better than I don’t say anything.

-Y/n we are here. - I looked at my brother after a few seconds. - Are you going to tell one day what is on your mind?

- Yeah maybe one day.

- Let’s go inside - he gave me a small smile.

I took a deep breath and went with him.

Hazel my brother girlfriend already came to us she gave y/b/n a kiss and hugged me.

-I missed you globetrotter - she gave me a warm smile.

-What can I say.. I am. A random person. Now excuse me please my plungs need some smoke.- I felt like my anxiety came through my body.

I went outside and just take a deep breath. I wasn’t ready for this coming back. I needed more time.

-So after I see you in one year and don’t even say to hi to an old friend. I kinda feel sad. - it was him voice. I bite my lips while i looked at him.

- What about a hug insted of speaking?! - I smirked playfully in my mask. Inside I was terriefied. He was more handsome after the last time I saw him.

- y/n.. - he opened his arms and i throw my cigarette away and jump on him without anyword. - I missed you. And I’m sorry - he whisperd gentle to my ears.

- I missed you too Ben. - I closed my eyes take my tears deep inside me.

-Look at you! You look beatiful - he laughed his green eyes stared me. - I can see you changed a lot since we met. Let’s go take a walk..

-But I haven’t even say to anyone else but you and ...

-They can wait -Ben cut me off - After all I am you best friend.

-Yeah.. - and oh I wish we could be more more than just “best friends”

****

We walked deep in the forest to our secret spot: The treehouse we made one we were teenagers.

-So you want to tell me that you were fine out in Europe and thats why you didn’t come to home just now?

-Yeah i needed a break after I got too much light. I didn’t feel okay. I needed some time you know a deep breath.. I guess that was a year to take it.. - shrugged looking up the top of the trees.

-Don’t lie to me I know you enough for this.

-What are you talking about?

-About we had slept together before that day and I woke up after that you left. - he was too serious looked right into my eyes. -You didn’t even tell the reason and why? I had to ask your mom if you are alright where are you and she almost kicked me out of the house and yelling about things.. - At first I couldn’t say a word.

-I just.. we are friend that’s okay sometimes happens. - I fired another cigarett my hand was shaking. -Ben let this go please we know eachother for seven years.. I can’t lose you.

-I felt like you did. When we haven’t really talk in that year I felt like you don’t even want to see me anymore.. You write me after 2 weeks you left! - he was angry I was afraid - You write everyone first but not me. I wanted to go after you but I didn’t know where you went or anything! Can you think a bit what feels like when everyone blame you because you left without a word..

-I was afraid - I whisperd tears falled down on my face looking down sadly. I couldn’t help myself. -I was fucking afraid Ben! -then I was louder than i wanted to be - Yeah you know it was freaking good to hear from every fucking people “yeah it’s y/n the friendzoned person in his life.. ooh who exactly is she? Ben and her together or what the hell are they doing?” - felt like everything want to break out of me in the same time I didn’t let him speak I couldn’t- God damnit Ben! You know how hard was to not talk about this to anyone?! You know how much massage I got because of this? Like “ you’re a fucking whore..” “you’re his friend because you want his money!” Yes I was terrefied inside but I showed okay thats fine I’m okay they don’t know anything. But after the night when we got too drunk and we slept I felt guilty. - smiled at him sadly

- Y/b/n told me a day before you got massage because of me. I know we are best friends we know eachother these many years but I can’t do anything with them. - Ben whisperd

- I really really.. like really wanted to be with you. But I am never going to be a person you want as your children mothe...

-Can you just stop for a moment? -he cut me of speaking.

-I didn’t let him ti be honest..

-I know. Because one thing was only important for me. You y/n.

-Please don’t lie.

-I’m not lying y/n I felt so wrong after we were that drunk in that night really.. I never wanted to hurt you. I always thought about “what if..” but when I wanted to say out loud you left. - He put his arms on my face his forehead connected to mine.

-Say what?

-That if you stayed a little long after that night.. maybe if you waited for a little long. -he shoot down his eyes sadly and looked at me.

-You know I wasn’t feelig right in the first 6 months. I was felt deep love after you so many years. I loved the way that you laughed and how you always got me of my room just to do something usefull. Actually I never said how greatfull for that you made go on that show. I had my succesfull when you were next to me. But then the next months I sarted to live again without you. Do you remember when we went other ways for one year sometimes a little spoke but nothing. That what I felt. And found someone. -And that was the moment when I know he we will be always my friend. No matter how hurt. -You are so beutiful you are amazing you have personality. I can’t lie to you. I felt I loved you but no. You are my best friend you always will be that. But I just can look at you again. You know why? When you were with Greg you went blind. I tried to make you see he used you but you went after your heart madly. You even send me to hell for it. You said you hate me becaus of him you never wanted to see me again. And I stayed. -tears falled down on my face it was all true. It was all my mistake in the end. Again. And again and again.

-I’m sorry -whisperd sadly.

-No not your fault. Mine that I kissed you first. Sometimes we have to mistakes to know what good what bad. It was a bad idea. I felt like maybe if I go far enough I will love you.

-I guess I was to blind to say no to you.

I looked right before me. Fake smiled at him. Inside I wasn’t okay but I showed it. That what was what I could do.

-We should go back. - stand up quickly. -I want to say hi to the others to.

-Can I show you her? Her name is Elle. Probably shouldn’t now.

-I don’t think I’m going to stay more than 2 days. I will go back to Hungary. I found my place there. -faked smile again with a sigh starting to walk back.

-Stay y/n you already have place here. Your friends me. Please.

-I can’t. I have a job now there. Small good I’m okay with that. -Lied again. -I don’t feel like I could stay here..

As I watched the others smiled everyone had their pair except Brian. I could inagine that girl he talked about it. Hard swallow went down on me. Everyone did something so I just went away in silence. Left them like everything here. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I felt empty.

******

I went down streets. It was weird last time when I was here it was 10 years ago. Now I’m 30 I moved back home. I rent an apartment for myself I got a job.

It was a month home. I only talked to my brothers no one else.

Usually days went by time until one day I went to a bar just to get something drink after a long day in work.

I asked the bartender for a captain morgan with ginger and drank.

-Excuse me Lady do I know you?

-I don’t think so sir. Y/n by the way.-smiled at him widely.

-Ben, nice to meet you. You are like someone in my dreams one I had.

-And now? What is feel like meet apart from your dreams?

-Like life banged me hard after I let you go for second time. I can let this happen again so just let me kiss already. -My eyes went wide open staring those green eyes. His blone messy hair made him more attractive than I rememberd. Through my mind I realized his lips on mind. Soft and gently kiss started. Closed my eyes get my arms around him and smiled.

-I need you y/n. i want you be my children’s mother. I can’t let you third time away. -my heart beat faster almost came out of my chest started laugh in happiness.

-Sorry. But we have the most shitty brasil romance after 17 years. You are stuck with me so i guess I’ll be sticking with it.

-I love you. -small kisses he had with smiling face -I love you. And I love that you always coming back.

-Yeah about that I am old. I’m going to leave if you kidding with me again. I’m going to kick your big ass out of somewhere where we are. And this is our last chance if doesn’t working. We have to let this go. We aren’t children anymore.

-You’re alright. But know I’m going to walk with you home give you a goodnight kiss and tomorrow ehatever you are doing after I’ll take you on a date okay darling? -I nodded smiling looking at him.

Of course that night we slept together and again and again. Until day we never wake up.

[richiefuckfacetozier]

Alone

Story: Dearly Departed

Character: Eddie Kaspbrak

Located on Archive of our own

My Master List

Eddie opened the gate to the cemetery and slowly made his way down the path. He took his time to look at the tombstones, not feeling rushed just a little jittery. Each grave was in a different state of deterioration. Some were so old the names could no longer be read. Others were fresh and newly put in. Both gave him the creeps no matter how many times he came here.

He arrived at the grave he was visiting and stared at it with a feeling of dread. Not for the grave itself, he had this tombstone memorized. If he could draw, he would be able to color and shade it in its entirety with ease. He could outline every weathered crack in the stone. He took good care of it now, but it went five years without being visited and suffered the harsh Maine rain, snow, and sleet.

He felt dread because he was going to have a big talk today. His stomach was churning horribly. Partially because he knew it was foolish to get anxious when he was speaking to a grave but also because the subject matter was not an easy one.

He kneeled down in the grass to rearrange the flowers, so they looked more presentable. The church must have left them at some point.  He glanced at the carefully carved name ‘Frank Kaspbrak’ then let his eyes drift across the quote below: ‘To die will be an awfully big adventure.’

He sat down, brought his knees to his chest, took a deep breath and said, “Hi Dad. Sorry I haven’t been to visit lately.“ He rocked back and forth a little subconsciously.

"There’s really no excuse besides not making the time. Or maybe I’ve been avoiding coming by because of what I’m struggling with. I have something important to tell you. Except I’m really scared to admit it aloud.” He began picking at the grass for something to do with his hands.

“I’ve tried so hard not to feel this way. Forcing feelings for others I don’t really have. Avoiding the subject with my friends. I am pretty alone here, daddy.” His voice sounded small and scared like he was 10 years old again. That’s when he came to the cemetery at his old church to visit for the first time.

It was around then that people started implying he wasn’t manly enough and lacking a father was the reason. This convinced Eddie to try visiting the grave and imagining conversations he would have with his father. They turned real after he got beat up and just needed to rant about it to someone who wasn’t a friend or his mother. He always left feeling a lot better when he spoke to him. Although, today he might end up leaving upset.

“I know how our church feels about people like who I think…who I know I am. They aren’t very kind on the subject. Which is honestly bullshit because I am not doing anything wrong. I just don’t like who I am supposed to like. Who am I harming?” He said the last sentence at the church in the background. Glaring at it, waiting for an explanation he would never receive.

Then he focused back on the grave, “Our church says I can’t go to heaven if these feelings don’t go away. If that’s true and that’s where you are then I want to keep fighting against them. Because there is no one in this world or gone from this world that I want to see again more than you. The thought that I wouldn’t be able to sometimes consumes me to the point of panic attacks. It’s just…not fair.” Now he was really sounding childish. He tried to compose himself but decided there was really no point. No one else was around. It was just him and his father.

He ran both his hands through his hair frustratedly, “Ma isn’t going to take it well. You know that as well as I do. There is nothing I can do about that. She treats me like a child when I am 14 years old. In 4 years I’ll be a man! She means well and I know you hate it when I talk badly about her, but she is so exhausting dad. She tries to protect me too much, controlling me, keeping me away from my friends…oh god. My friends. They might be alright with it. I really have no idea. I love each of them so much…”

Eddie couldn’t help himself from wanting to talk about them. To talk about anything other than why he came to the grave today. “…They all make me laugh so hard and are incredible. Ben with his powerful loyalty. Mike with his strong and steady presence. Bill, he’s been my friend the longest as you know, I could write a book about how much he means to me even though he is more a writer than me. Stanley keeps me sane through every crazy or horrible thing I go through. Beverly is a breath of fresh air and probably the only girl I love as much as Ma. Then there is Richie. You’ve heard plenty of times when he drives me absolutely batshit. But I love him. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves me more than I could ever love myself, too. I haven’t told him this big part of me because I am terrified of losing him. Of losing all of them. And I know they are going to see me as changed because I have changed. I’m just hoping in a good way.”

Eddie paused and listened to some birds chattering. The air was still, yet cold. It gave him goosebumps. “We don’t talk about these sorts of things. No one in this town talks about it, so how am I supposed to even really know. Right? But I do know.”

“I’m worried you won’t love me anymore. I don’t know why I’m worried about the love of someone who has left us, but I am. Your opinion has always been important to me.”

Eddie took a huge breath and let it out slowly. “You’ve probably figured it out by now. I am gay.” Everything was still then a random gust of wind blew and Eddie felt engulfed by the sensation of being cold but his heart was warm. It was as if someone had hugged him. Not a physical hug, but one around his very soul. He stood up slowly, brought his hand to his mouth kissing it then brushed that hand over his father’s name.

“Thanks, dad. I love you.”

Leave me a comment! And if you have a suggestion for something Eddie should talk about with his father, let me know. I want to make this a mini story.

@sam-i-am2468 @ohheydatsme @missingstanleyuris @jaederp @loser-marsh @jem-carstairs-is-perfection @reddieaddict @richieskata @slashpalooza @reddie-brasil

[islaland-blog]

This month, February of 2017, has completed 2 years that I left my country, Brazil! I had lived lots of new experiences and met so many nice people around the world and just decided do it a bit better from here! I hope! (:

In this time I have visited 11 countries in 3 different continents, collected lots of nice pictures and friendship! Hope you guys enjoy it! 

Who is me? 

Isla Grossi, I’m Photographer, formed in Photography at Universidade Positivo in Curitiba/Brasil. I had born in Paranaguá, a little and beautiful city in the coast of Paraná, South of Brazil (I know is “south”, but is still very hot there) I know you imagine Brazil like a big forest with nice beaches and everything involving tropical fruits, good weather, and now that I lived out of my city/country I can tell you, yes, it’s exactly like this!

My name is Isla cause my parents just love fishing, go to islands, and do basically everything that involve SEA, so they just decided put my name like this, ISLA that means “Island” in Spanish! All my childlessness was getting the boat with them in the weekends, go camp somewhere, and maybe cause of this I am like this, they don’t understand too much, but they know are their fault! :p (They understand better now).

When I was young I was always doing artistic shits around, like cropping important papers of my parents or school to do collages when I was 8 (Wasn’t nice), making and teaching some choreography for my cousins when I was 10 (think about TITANIC), and when I was 11 I just discovered my love for photography, my aunt had a camera and I was all the time taking pics with, I got my first camera when I was 13, so the 2 years between I get it I just got very intense “home student of photography”... 

Then I finished high school, lots of pression from parents and teachers about what you gonna be, my colleges were talking about medicine, architecture, engineer, and I was like wtf?? I just hate all them, so why am I here? What will I be in this life? I know this can sounds weird for you, but in this time I had like 16 or 17 years old, I just converted for christianism and try to discover more how to do that and how to “talk with God” I didn’t understand too much, So yeah I PRAYED to God show me what to do, cause maybe he knew more than me, and it was pretty weird but I just dreamed that night that I tried 3 different universities and one of them I was accepted, was really real dream, I don’t know how to explain, I remember a paper with the 3 names and DESIGN, so ok, yes maybe this is “God” talking, I did that, and I was accepted in one of them!

Studying Design! WOW COOL! nooo. The college was in the capital of my state, I was living on the coast, so yes, I traveled every fuckin day to go there and watch the classes, 190km, go and back, aaaand waking up 4:30am, cause that classes started 7:30am :D

nice

Ok, I did this for 1 year! and when I was starting the second year the first surprise apear, I was with a tumor in my boobs, and the lovely doctor just said that was fuckin big with the size of an orange! I was really afraid about this shit, I made a surgery to take this off of my body so I stayed like a month not moving my arms, and couldn't go back to the classes, was just impossible travel like that! I tried! really bad idea... hahaha! 

Same time, my college was opening a new course! PHOTOGRAPHY! AND! AT NIGHT!!! Was perfect! I like design but the best days of my life were always in the photography classes! I was wishing this so muchhh! So my boyfriend asked to marry me, we were 4 years together and living so well, he was my first boyfriend, I met him when I was 14, yes we loved each other, we did it, beautiful party, my mom gave us a house, we bought a car, cats, dogs, good money, good work, growing growing, getting nice equipment, thinking about babys... So I was finishing my college, whaat?? PERFECT LIFE!! We decide cebrate our wedding birthday travelling to the capital, I forgot my stuff of photography in home and was very sad about it, was a special moment! we just remembered about it in the middle of the way... 

Ok, the trip was nice, but I lose my prefer t-shirt in the hotel and went home feeling so sad about it, I paid pretty much like “50 euro” let’s say, and was almost crying in the way home, just because of this, cause I worked for that money and it was so bad... So when we arrived in home, my father in law was in the door, and my door was broken, I didn’t understand... We walked inside home, and I saw just my couch in my living room, and messy around the ground, what happened? What was happening? I run around the house looking for my bag of equipment and I couldn’t find it, my tv, video game, guitar, everything was gone! My house was robbed, I couldn’t sleep anymore, my ex husband was always afraid about me and waking up in the middle of the night worried about the house, and if happen again and we be inside the house? and if we work all the years again to get all the money to buy everything again in this guys come back? And GOD why that dream? I was not suppose to be a photographer? And ALL the years travelling to study? I was starting my last job to conclude the college, I was travelling Brazil with christian rock’n roll musicians... Was the worse days of my life... Me and my ex decided sale the car and the rest of our stuff in home to try life out of Brazil, my head was so confused, I think is still!! My mom, him, friends, clients, helped me to buy beginner photography stuff again, So I could work and buy everything again. I don’t remember what I was doing and how, but 6 months later I was in Ireland, with any english, anything and no friends, just knew 1 or 2 Brazilian people there.. I was desperate! I started the english course but needed like months to start talk something, so how to ask for food? and I had to work! 

One day I was looking for second hand shops and I found one pink shop very nice in the middle of the temple bar! I texted them on fb with google translate help haha, and I got my first job, in one week! the owner, Deirdre, was an amazing person! I think she don’t know how important she was in my life, she used google every day to translate and talk with me, I needed understand which pictures she wanted, after 2 months I remember perfectly she opening google on computer and talking with me, and I understood everything so she didn’t used fuckin google!!! haha I was soo happy about it! but same time, YES ONE MORE SURPRISE!! 

ARE U READY???

My english school went bankrupt and closed, so we lose all the rest of our things, the money from the car, the couch, the freezer that we sell in Brazil to study there, lucky us that we got the student visa fast! So we could stay in Ireland for the year! After 4 months I think I was talking english pretty good, but because of work and photo shoots, I met the best people ever there, in the shop just up of that one that I was working, so I started work there as well, 4 beautiful and crazy Lithuanians! MAgne Shop! Every Sunday I was there making photo shoots like the pics that I saw when I was 12, creating, doing my collages like when I was 8 years old but know really knew about, and dancing like when I was 10 but in a place like movies! People say that my head opened, but the true is that my read exploded! I started travel and look so many new things, I didn’t know what to do, I felt like I discovered what life is, so everything started make sense, all the shits, I still don’t understand but things happen because need to happen, same time me and husband where going very bad, going to different ways, I was discovering myself and living like I wanted and he didn’t lived the same, missing family more than me, want go back to Brazil, we married very young, I was 18, he was 19, we were in love this time, but I don’t know what happened with my heart and feelings after the rob... I just don’t trust more anyone, it’s hard to say, and didn’t want somebody suffering this with me, I wanted see he happy like me, doing what he loved like me, but he was always worried about me and make me happy, but I couldn’t stay there just smiling and saying thank you and trying to do the same back, but didn’t work, after that, something died inside me, and without this thing that died inside me I couldn't keep it! I really wish that he find a good girl for him, but that he do what he really loves one day and find himself! I wish all the best Renan! So I stayed my last months in Ireland single, but never alone! hahaha, sorry!!! But was the first year of my life single! no more here about it, blá!

OK!!! NEXXTT!! Yeah, my dream, Iceland!! I did my last trips before go back to Brazil, and Iceland for suuuree was the biggest dream of my life! I saw and photographed Northern Lights, amaziinng!!! Left Ireland and stayed 3 months travelling Brazil, didn’t know to much what to do about life, but divorce yes, so I did this, and I came to Portugal! In my second day in Brazil I was crazy crying to come back to Europe, I love my country but I few very unsafe there now and the way how a big part of the population just go really opposite about who I am and what I think, and it envolves religion, politics, and everything that you can imagine, my friend said to me that she had to options, come to Portugal or be a kind of “war woman” fighting every day to try put things in the correct place! It’s very hard to understand how the government do things there, is just unacceptable! I really hope to see my country better one day! I’m sorry Brazilian people for be so vulnerable and very physiologic shaken, I just couldn’t stay more! I know that what that guys the ones that stole my house did, were not their faults totally! I know they didn’t have the same opportunity than me to study and were not theirs fault! I know nothing explain a rob! But we never know....

So I came to Portugal, Faro, is where I am now! Almost 1 year here, now I started my residence visa! I arrived here with not too much money, was staying in my aunt’s place, I got my first job in a handmade shop too, Sardinha de Papel, started sale things from the shop from Ireland (MAgne) they were sending me stuff and it kept me eating! haha and I made few open markets in the summer doing henna tattoos! I didn’t know too much what to do about life, my money was short, the guy that I “was with” broke up with me, so I was very sad, what to dooo???? And that day, was drunk day, Pedro, or PEDRÃO, or MAGAS! found me very drunk in some street and tried help me, I know I was very lucky, and it never will repeat in my life, I promise! So bring me home, I hope I was not smelling like homeless in that time, but I was almost like that haha! Other guy helped me as well! Nuno, from The Backpackers Asylum Hostel, I started work there for change for a bed, And these guys more than helped me, Pedro got me a job with him in a bar, with contract, exactly what I need to get the residence visa and stay here, he teach me lot!  and yeah, More 2 months hopefully the visa will be in my hands, I did everything that they ask for, not so easy, lots of papers and months waiting for the papers, and now after almost 1 year in Portugal, they accepted! 

Well, the plan now is stay 6 months in Portugal, working, probably in the summer! :p I need do this to keep the visa! And the others 6 months, Ireland again? Australia? Eurotrips? who knows?? 

So I did this beautyy tumblr to put what all the years that you read right now made with my mind, be careful and come with me! ;)

#loseyourself

#findyourself 

PS: SORRY ABOUT MY ENGLISH! I STUDIED ONLY 2 MONTHS!