#ESPECIALLY as someone who has been through and struggled with self harm and depression

[catcatb0y]

The good thing about bpd vents is that they're very well tagged. If I blocked one or more of the tags, I've taken out half of the posts ('actually bpd' and 'bpd vent' do a lot of the carrying)

The annoying thing about self harm/cutting/ed posts is that half of them are framed like "I'm nothing without my cuts ❤️❤️" and the tags a!! h@v3 s0me w3ird inc0ns!stent L33T sp34k bs thrown together or lit//tle marks in the mi//ddle of their tags, because they feel the need to censor fucking trigger tags.

They are TRIGGER TAGS. They are TRIGGER WARNINGS!! You guys CALL THEM SUCH when you POST them!! I've had 'pro ed' and 'self harm' blocked for a while because Tumblr tried to reccomend blogs like that a while back (and the trend of depression posts then reccomending pro ed and pro self harm posts... is nasty btw).

Personally, I've grown out of that phase of my life. I remember being in middle school and cutting and feeling like my only personality trait was my mental illness and that I needed to mold that into something quirky and likable or I wouldn't have any friends, but it is nothing but a self fulfilling cycle.

You harm, you hurt, you hurt, you harm- and glamorizing the pain that you feel doesn't make it go away and it doesn't make it any better.

The more that you surround yourself with people "like you," the more you weigh on yourself. The more you become that person who's only personality trait is their ability to self harm.

You're right there are a DOZEN people who are going to talk down to you because of your self harm scars, but also... they don't make you quirky or likable. All of your friends are either going to push themselves to the edge or they're going to grow up and leave you behind.

As someone who did struggle with that for YEARS and someone who still struggles with

But it's none of my fucking business if you ruin your life. It's not my business if jobs don't hire you, if your new friends can't stand your constant dragging the mood down, if people stop reaching out or trying to comfort you because you just reject their help so there's no use in trying... It IS my fucking business when your goddamned tags show up on my fucking screen despite me blocking SEVERAL of the tags b3caus3 y0u spe4k l!ke th1s while talking about genuinely harmful and sensitive material.

Tag your shit or I WILL start reporting people instead of blocking.

[abookloverlmao]

THE GIRL IN THE SOCKS ON THE ROOF - JJ Maybank

Summary: save my life and i'll save yours, pretty boy. In the coastal paradise of Outer Banks, Y/N teeters on the edge of the rooftop in socks, drowning in despair, and there's Papa JJ appearing in her life like an angel.

"'Cause it's too cold for you here and now, so let me hold both your hands in the holes of my sweater."

Warning: female!reader, triggering themes (mental health struggles, including references to self-harm, depression, or suicidal thoughts and acts), alcohol, drug, weed, swearing, etc., this will angsty as shit and fluffy, do not read if you don't want to! you have been warned, let me know what you think!

☆

JJ has no idea that he had saved a life.

well, he never believed such a thing, never believed that he was this special to think twice that the person he saved will do anything to pay him back.

And that person was Y/N, the girl in socks on the roof of a building, a tall one.

It was a summer night, the night of the Fourth of July, an hour away from the fireworks starting and here was the handsome blond walking out of the store with few beers and snacks with Sarah Cameron by his side.

Yelling echoed around the neighborhood, and the two blondes turned towards the sound, a man running after a very gorgeous girl in shorts, a top and some socks.

No flipflops, or sandals, just black socks, running down the streets and busy looking behind to notice JJ and Sarah standing there watching in pure confusion until she bumped at him.

"YOU DIRTY LITTLE BITCH COME BACK HERE!" The man yelled and Y/N picked up the bags of snacks he held, apologizing and handing them to him in panic.

Eyes wide with tears covering them, wild hair like she was electrocuted, chest going up and down rapidly, she met Sarah's eyes and shot her the most heartbreaking smile.

"I am so sorry," she turned to JJ, meeting his pretty eyes that watched hers in concern, god she was beautiful, he has never seen someone this gorgeous even in the state of panic.

Before he could even open his mouth to respond, she continued running, she was very fast, legs moving in a speed of light, everytime her feet landed on the ground, pain rushed through her veins.

Adrenaline pumping, the summer night breeze slapping her cheeks left and right, she could feel Sarah Cameron's eyes on hers and the handsome boy whom she bumped into.

As they climbed the Twinkie, JJ's mind not once left the girl who disappeared five minutes ago, he knew who she was, well... he saw her in a few parties, standing there with a drink in hand talking to one pogue mostly.

"I feel like I saw her before," he whispered turning to Sarah who watched in slight worry as the man ran past them with so much hatred in his eyes, a murderous look that scared her.

"That's Y/N, sweetest Kook with apparently a rough life," she replied wincing as another curse left Mister L/N's lips, a frown on her face, JJ's hand was on the steering wheel, feeling a sudden protectiveness towards the girl who bumped into him.

It looked like she had a rough life, especially when she was running in only socks with a man chasing behind her, his eyebrows almost touched and he watched the man in disgust.

He reminded him of his dad... but oh he didn't know that he was basically his dad's twin brother.

"God I hope she doesn't get caught by Mister L/N," she whispered in worry, guilt eating her alive and once JJ started to drive, he looked around in hope to find her.

Nothing.

"It's the fourth of July..." spoke Sarah again, and his mind went back  to Y/N's eyes... brimmed with tears reminded him so much of his, he really wanted to know the reason why she was in that state.

And the second time he saw her was on the roof of a building, John B has sent him again to buy fireworks to light on the beach, but then something caught his eyes.

Someone.

The moonlight shone down on her, black shorts, white top, hair flying everywhere thanks to the wind, black socks, she stood on the edge of the roof staring ahead, the moonlight kissing her skin and making hear tear glisten like diamonds, what the fuck.

Without thinking twice, he sprinted up the stairs, ignoring that it was a building with people living in it, rich people that would knsult him idf they saw him in, he raced up the stairs, boots clapping against the ground as he grabbed the railing for support trying not to trip

He never ran so fast, worry ate him alive as he ran in the speed of light.

Opening the door to the roof with all his force he rushed to the girl just as her feet lifted and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her back to his chest.

She gasped in surprise, her tear-streaked face turning towards him. For a moment, time stood still as their eyes locked. JJ could feel the rapid thumping of her heart against his chest, matching the adrenaline rushing through his own veins.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," he whispered, his voice filled with a mixture of concern and relief, he turned her around and watched as she looked into his eyes, body shaking with a combination of fear and exhaustion.

"You don't have to do this. You're not alone."

She studier him with glossy eyes, watched as he pushed away her hair from her wet cheeks and cupped her cheeks as if he knew her for years.

At his words she collapsed in his arms, clinging to him tightly, as if holding on for dear life, he wrapped his arms around her as tightly and ran his hand down her hair.

He wasn't used to giving hugs, felt awkward when someone gave him one ir he did, but he hugged her, the weight of her struggles and pain was palpable, and in that moment, JJ understood that there was so much more to her story than what he had glimpsed before.

"Grab my hand," she did as told, hand trembling as he gently guided her away from the edge, leading her to a safer spot on the rooftop.

She slipped down the wall, wrapping her arms around herself tightly ss the breeze got rough, then JJ sat beside her, forgetting his task and what he was supposed to buy.

They sat down together, the distant sounds of fireworks starting to fill the night sky, but not the Outer Banks yet, in 10 minutes, JJ's heart raced as he tried to find the right words to say, wanting to offer comfort and support to this girl he barely knew.

He turned to her, taking off his red hat and ruffling his blond hair, "sup, I'm JJ," he finally said, his voice soft but steady and she chuckled at his words, "And you...you don't have to face this alone. Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

Y/N looked up at him, her eyes filled with a mix of gratitude, she sniffled, wiping away the tears that continued to stream down her cheeks.

"Sup, I'm Y/N..." she whispered, her voice barely audible as she pulled her knees closer to her body, staying silent for a minute gnawing at her lower lip, she spoke again, "Thank you, for saving my life and...being there when no one else was."

JJ's heart ached at her words. He couldn't fathom how someone as beautiful and kind-hearted as Y/N could feel so alone and unloved.

He pulled out the lighter and played with it for a few seconds, "I don't know what you've been through, but I want you to know that Papa J, is here for you, no matter what. You deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you."

Y/N's eyes welled up with tears once again, but this time they were tears of relief mixed with a glimmer of hope. She had never expected a chance encounter with JJ to lead to this moment of genuine connection and understanding.

But she blinked away the tears and smiled at him brightly, sitting by his side, her shoulder pressed to his as they stared ahead, "I'll make sure to keep that in mind, Thank you, Papa J," a smile that showed his dimples appeared and she felt herself go warm.

"You know what will make you feel better?" He suddenly spoke standing up and slapping his butt to get rid of the dirt, she looked up at him in confusion, wondering what will make her feel better.

"What?"

JJ smiled down at her brightly like a Cheshire cat, "light some fireworks on the beach, smoke weed, drink beers," he suggested putting his hand in front if her to take.

She stared at his hands for a hot second, glancing at the edge of the roof that she almost fell from and then back at him, she never drank alcohol or even had a puff of smoke, breaking the rules sounded like a good idea at the moment.

"why not." She put her hand on top of his watching him hold it carefully, gently, his rings cold and sending a shiver down her spine.

He lifted her and glanced down at the socks, "damn don't your feet hurt?" She laughed softly and followed his eyes down, "they are hurting now, like a bitch." He nodded in response and they walked towards the stairs, hand still in hers.

Her eyes went back to the edge of the roof again, but JJ blocked her path and pushed the door for her, "after you, be careful not to slip, I almost did with my damn boots." She rolled her eyes but grinned at him.

"You're the clumsy one."  She replied making him roll his eyes and gasp dramatically, pretending to faint while doing so, it made her laugh.

She had a gorgeous laugh, contagious that it made him laugh as well, he wondered why a girl like her would even think of trying to leave this world.

He wanted to ask, but no. This wasn't the right moment.

☆☆☆

He handed her his scandals (which led to her saying that his feet were bigger than her face) and called John B to apologize and explain what happened while she was looking for slushy flavors.

Then they went to the beach, watched the fireworks, drank beers, and shared weed, one after the other, placing her lips right where his were, he taught her basic surf tricks, and he did everything to make her forget about the troubles filling her mind.

And it worked.

They laughed, and they talked for hours, sharing stories, dreams, and even their deepest fears, water was reaching her thighs as she watched the colorful explosions in the night sky.

She was high and watching the sky have multicolor stars with so much awe, her eyes glossy and her hand waving underwater, and JJ admired.

Every single feature, the way she watched the fireworks and stood by his side, hair wild and crazy, speaking her mind in a way he never thought anyone would do so, wearing only her bikini top and shorts.

How can a person high till cloud 9 speak like that? He thought, "I mean, that's the thing, Lana Del Rey once said..." She put her finger up, swallowing, "Live fast, die young, be wild, and have fun. That’s my motto, but my dad did everything to not give me my freedom, everything, and believe it or not this is the first time I felt happy."

JJ knew what it was like, it was the same for him, his dad was a fucking asshole and everyone knew it, they all blamed that man's crime on him, and he hated that she had the same problems.

"I think we need to get out, you're way too high baby," he spoke with a laugh grabbing her waist and starting to make his way out of the water.

"oh come on I'm trying to be emotional here! Wait- did you just call me baby?" she asked grabbing his wrist, slurring over her words.

JJ chuckled, his heart warming at Y/N's playful reaction. He had been so caught up in the moment that he had let slip a term of endearment without even realizing it.

But now, with her intoxicated state bringing out her candidness, he found himself unable to hide his smile.

"Yeah, I did call you baby," he replied, his voice teasing, "It just slipped out. But you know what? I think it suits you."

Y/N's eyes widened, a mix of surprise and amusement crossing her face. "Oh really? And why is that?" he couldn't respond instead raised his eyebrow at her, showing his cute dimples that made her smile even more brightly.

"I will not tell you." and next thing he knew she pulled him deeper in the water and pulled him along, pushing him with her in, his hand wrapped around her waist to not lose her and water surrounded them.

them swimming around one another, the light coming from the moon and fireworks the only thing brightening their surroundings, all euphoric. As their eyes locked underwater, JJ felt a surge of anticipation, the world around them seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of them suspended in the watery depths.

They swam closer and closer, her hair moving around her like a mermaid, he watched as the multicolor lights flashing kissed her skin, eyes twinkling like pearls.

As they swam closer, their bodies gracefully gliding through the liquid medium, time seemed to slow down. Every movement, every touch, was heightened by the magical atmosphere surrounding them. The water embraced them, caressing their skin and amplifying the intensity of their connection.

Y/N has never seen such a beautiful person like JJ, his blonde hair shimmered like strands of liquid gold, framing his face in a way that accentuated his angelic features, ocean eyes watching her in a way no one did, it made her blood run hot even underwater, his muscles twitching as he moved.

God, he was beautiful....

He was angel. That's it, he was an angel sent from heaven to save her from the roof and make her life worth living for.

Their faces drew closer, the space between them narrowing with each passing second, but just as her lips were about to brush against his, doubt crept into JJ's mind. 

He hesitated, like he always did, his thoughts momentarily overpowering the weird feelings he felt in that moment. He withdrew slightly, his hand releasing its grip on her waist.

His wide eyes met hers, and for a moment, the silence between them was deafening, she hesitated as well, confused as to why he did in the first place, but never going to question it.

Maybe he didn't feel comfortable, she thought, JJ's mind raced, questioning the wisdom of his decision, too risky, she's high and probably won't remember by tomorrow- JJ calm the fuck down.

He hated himself for hesitating but he had no choice, she grabbed his shirt and swam back up with him to the surface, JJ followed, cursing himself for letting his doubts cloud the moment, for allowing fear to guide his actions. 

But deep down, he knew he couldn't ignore the nagging thoughts that had caused him to retreat.

Y/N, for her part, seemed to accept the situation without questioning it. Her silence spoke volumes, leaving JJ with a mix of relief and regret, as they resurfaced, the world above the water greeted them with its own set of distractions. 

The sounds of laughter and music filled the air, the festivities of the night continuing as if nothing had happened below the surface. Y/N's wide eyes met his again, searching for answers that he couldn't provide.

JJ gave her a weak smile and her, perceptive as ever, returned his smile with a gentle nod, and just before she started to swim back to land, he spoke with a high pitched voice to not make her go.

"me and my friend want to become Kooks, looking for gold, anything that will make us rich, when this world will become gentle with us, I'm gonna get a new board. I'm gonna deck it out, and I'm gonna go on a surf trip. Ride, whatever the waves take you, you know?" he said watching her stop and turn back around.

A smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she listened to his plans, his determination shining through despite the uncertainties of their current moment.

Dreams do save lives after all.

"Do you have your passport, pretty boy?" she asked with a laugh at his determination, it made his hammering heart slow down, and relief wash over him as he thought she was mad at him at first.

"Hell no, I don't got a passport, Kookiest thing ever." he replied making her laugh even harder, throwing her head back and staring at the sky, her laughter echoing through the water and bringing a sense of lightheartedness to their conversation.

“You definitely should do that, that’s a real dream, surf trip, I believe in you,” she said with a chuckle, starting to swim towards the rock where they kept their stuff hidden just in case someone might steal them, gesturing him to come along.

“you’re saying that like I will do it alone,” he said lifting himself up and out of the water, wrapping the towel he had in the Twinkie around her and grabbing his stuff, “well you will do it with your friends, not alone,” she replied wrapping the towel tighter around her, putting on her sandals.

JJ grabbed their stuff and walked out of the rock, offering his hand so she wouldn’t slip, “and you,” he replied making her smile and glance back at him, "me? So I'm a Pogue now?" she asked teasingly ruffling her hair with the towel.

"Well, I am your friend, you like adventure, saving animals and the sea, you don't hate us, I think you are born a Pogue, besides we could really use your help to become rich," he said shrugging while opening the door to the van.

washing her feet to get rid of the sand she climbed in the passenger seat, towel still tight around her, a mischievous glint in her eyes, "Well, if being a Pogue means embarking on thrilling escapades with you and running from cops, count me in," she said, her voice filled with excitement.

"deal."

and she did become one, helped them find the gold by stealing maps from her father's office, and became a sister to almost everyone, Kiara didn't trust her which was fine, but she didn't hate her either.

Besides she understood what it was like, JJ had stayed by her side for the rest of the time, she was on his, she saved him in many ways, the jacuzzi night, she held him, they ran from cops, she stole for him, for them, got in trouble as well and she was loyal.

That way she cried with him that night when she found out what Luke did to him was the same thing her father did to her, cried with him, and held him at the same time, they were both broken after all.

The night she tried to end her life was the night she met JJ Maybank and he saved her in every way a person can be saved, she stayed the night in John B's house, on the couch, her head to JJ's.

everyone was already asleep, both of them damp after their night swim.

"I see you," he suddenly whispered, the light buzzing from god knows where filling the silence along with the crickets, for a second he thought she had fallen asleep since no answer came from her, "and?" she asked a hot minute, tilting her to the side.

His scent filled her nostrils and made her tensed shoulders relax instantly, "you wouldn't have jumped." he replied staring at the ceiling, his blonde hair falling over his eyes.

JJ's whispered words hung in the air, the weight of their meaning sinking in. Y/N's heart skipped a beat as she processed his statement, his words cut through the darkness, reaching deep into her soul, and touching upon a truth that she had kept hidden for so long.

"God knows what would've happened if you weren't there," she whispered staring at the ceiling with tears blurring her vision, she played with the shell charm of his bracelet.

"but I'm glad it was you," her voice was barely above a whisper, but he heard it, and when he spoke his voice was as soft as a feather, "I'm glad too," he had said and then she felt her blood run hot, cheeks turning rosy.

and with that, they both fell asleep, her finger hooked around his bracelet and his finger drew patterns, their faces so close at the edge of the couch, her head to the right and his to the left, noses almost bumping.

Their breaths synchronized, her scent mixing with his creating the most intoxicating perfume that ever existed, peace washing over them as they slept close to one another, safe from any trouble.

☆☆☆

They fell in love, and they hesitated to tell one another, like the night they hesitated to kiss, there was a palpable tension that's for sure, even the blind could sense it.

But the day she realized that one day she will stop hesitating was in the boat when he fell off it.

"Clear." 

He whispered and Y/N walked away with JJ following behind her, a man suddenly appeared in front of her making her call out for the pretty blonde, "JJ..." "of course, there's more of you..." he said pulling out a machete, "get down on your knees," he ordered and JJ grabbed the girl by the waist pulling her back as soon as the man stepped towards her. "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." with that, he charged at the girl who ducked immediately, JJ punched the man and pinned his arm, and Y/N kicked him right in the crotch before with the door to the emergency power locker supply.

Y/N ran towards the railing calling out for the Routledge boy, "JOHN B!" she yelled not even noticing the man approaching her from behind, JJ's eyes widened in horror as he called out for the girl.

"Y/N!" she turned around, eyes on the weapon that went flying towards her, she moved away but it sliced her arm making her wince in pain, "Y/N!" he called again in worry.

Eberhimi lifted his machete and JJ caught his wrist, grabbing him from behind, and elbowing the younger boy in the stomach, he swung at Y/N who caught his wrist and grabbed her collar, her head went to the side and the end of the weapon went right to JJ.

Her eyes widened in terror as JJ fell off the boat into the water, she bit Eberhimi's wrist before grabbing the hand that held the machete, twisting it, and she slammed his head against the glass before the wall.

And with that, he fell to the ground unconscious, Y/N ran towards the edge and called out for JJ whose face was on the water, "JJ!" she called loud enough for Outer Banks to hear.

Y/N's heart pounded in her chest as she watched the boy, she climbed the edge and her demons immediately consumed her, panic gripped her as memories of her own pain and struggles flooded her mind, the night she was standing on the edge.

the same feeling she felt during the fourth of July threatening to overwhelm her, she didn't do it, yet here she is standing on the edge once again.

But she knew she couldn't let fear paralyze her. She had to act. She will step off the edge, god she hoped the water wouldn't turn to solid rocks and kill her immediately, as a payback for not doing it that night

Either you face it or JJ dies. she thought.

With her heart pounding and her mind filled with a mixture of terror and determination, Y/N took a deep breath and closed her eyes tightly before stepping off the edge. 

The air rushed past her, and for a split second, she felt weightless, suspended between the fear of the unknown and the hope for a different outcome.

As she descended towards the water, her mind raced with thoughts of what awaited her below. Would the water be a lifeline, cradling her safely in its embrace? Or would it become a cruel reminder, punishing her for the choice she didn't make before?

It was too deep, way too deep, she wasn't that good at swimming either, her feet touched the sand for fuck's sake that night because she was scared!

"JJ!" she screamed swimming towards him, turning the boy around she wrapped her arm around his waist, trying to keep them both afloat. 

Her heart was racing as she struggled to keep her head above water, tried to fight her own demons that gripped her hair, feet, and everywhere and pulled her, "Please wake up JJ," she pleaded, her voice choked with tears and water that started filling her lungs, "I need you." she begged.

"JJ, stay with me." she called pushing his pretty blonde hair out of his face as she slapped his cheek gently, "J, please. Please!" she exclaimed louder this time.

Y/N's arms were growing tired, and she was struggling to keep JJ's head above water, his entire body leaned against hers desperately.

She could feel herself slowly drowning, but she refused to let go of him. Kicking and trashing around, moving her legs in fast motions, looked nothing like swimming, but kept her head a little above. She moved her legs around at a rapid speed to keep them both afloat, her heart was pounding in her chest, and she was gasping for air, her eyes burning from the salty water.

"Hang on, JJ," she said, her voice shaking. "We'll make it through this together." Despite her fear and exhaustion, Y/N continued to fight, determined not to let JJ go.

she leaned her head against his, his entire head leaning on her shoulder, "John B's coming, John B's coming." she whispered hoping he could hear her, mostly to herself, so she doesn't give up and let her demons take her.

The world really was against her huh?

Y/N was growing weaker by the second, her arms and legs were aching, and she could feel her muscles going numb. 

She slowly leaned back, her eyes growing heavy as she struggled to stay conscious, "JJ," she called his name a thousand times, her voice barely above a whisper, "Stay with me, please." 

Y/N knew she was fighting a losing battle, she did everything she could to stay awake and not let the water take her. 

She squeezed him tightly, feeling his body grow heavier in her arms, despite the pain and exhaustion trying to take over, and dominate, she stayed awake until help arrived.

until John B. arrived.

"JOHN B! HELP!" 

Y/N's lungs were burning, and she could feel the water going into her mouth as she called out for help.

"Help!" she shouted, her voice hoarse, "Please, John B help us!" she could feel herself slipping away, her body growing numb as the water enveloped her. 

She coughed and sputtered, the taste of salt water filling her mouth, but even as she struggled to breathe, she refused to let go of JJ.

She held him tightly, her arm wrapped around him so tightly, doing everything she could to keep him above water, even pushing him slightly above her even if it resulted in her being underwater.

"Hang on, JJ," she said, her voice shaking, "Just a little longer. John B is coming." Despite the overwhelming odds against her, Y/N continued to fight, her legs moving rapidly as if she never swam in her entire life, determined to stay alive for JJ's sake.

Y/N sobbed against JJ's neck, her tears mixing with the salt water, "I'm sorry," she said, her voice trembling from the cold and fear, "I'm sorry. I should've been hit." 

She felt guilty and responsible for JJ's injuries, and the weight of it was unbearable. 

The water felt like it had hands, pulling her down and dragging her away from JJ. But she clung to him, her grip growing tighter as she fought against the current. 

Soon enough, John B appeared and the pogues called out for their friend, "NO! No! No!" exclaimed John B stopping the boat and reaching for his best friend, his brother, and his family.

Y/N couldn't hear her friends calling out for her. She was lost in her own world, struggling to keep her head above water.

As soon as she felt JJ's weight slip away from her, safe and in the arms of her best friend, she let the water take her. 

She felt herself sinking deeper and deeper, the darkness closing in all around her.

It wasn't until she felt the strong hands of Sarah, John B, Pope, and Kiara grabbing her and lifting her from under the water that she opened her eyes, gasping for air. 

She clung to them tightly, using their strength to lift herself up and out of the water. She was shaking and disoriented, but she was alive.

 "Thank you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper, "Thank you for saving me." with that, she looked around for JJ, and her heart sank to her stomach when she saw him lying motionless in the lifeboat.

She crawled towards him, her hands shaking as she reached out to slap his cheek, "Wake up, JJ," she pleaded, her voice choked with emotion.

"Please, wake up!" But JJ remained still, and Y/N felt a sense of panic rising in her chest, no, he can't die. 

she knew that she had to do something to help him, so she began slapping his chest, trying to get the water out of his lungs, her friends surrounded her with worry and fear rushing through their veins.

Only Y/N calling and begging him to wake up boomed around them. "Come on, JJ, you can do this. Get up!" she said, her voice quivering badly, she was always a tough person with no fear in her eyes, and now they could see the pure anger and worry in them.

"Don't leave me like this." Y/N continued to work on JJ, refusing to give up even as her arms were limp and her eyes were blurry.

JJ suddenly sat up, coughing and spluttering, water coming out of his mouth.

He looked around, disoriented, and saw John B smiling down at him, "Welcome to the land of the living, dude," John B said, his voice filled with relief. "No CPR needed, huh?"

He didn't respond, instead, his eyes landed on Y/N's hand on his chest, and then on her tear-streaked face.

 He sat up, feeling the weight of what had just happened hit him, his tensed muscles dropped at the sight of her like this, "Hi," she greeted, her voice hoarse and filled with relief.

"'sup?" he added teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.

Everyone laughed, and Y/N smacked him before pulling his head towards her chest and hugging him tightly. 

She cried silently and kissed his forehead repeatedly, whispering, "Oh, darling, oh JJ, I thought I lost you."

JJ hugged her back, burying his head in the crook of her neck, "I'm here," he said, his voice shaking with emotion. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." He held her tightly, feeling her warmth and her love envelop him.

For a moment, everything else faded away, and all that mattered was Y/N and JJ, together and alive, that was also the day they both realized they were really in love.

"What the hell happened?" JJ asked, reaching to touch his wound, but Y/N slapped his hand away, replacing it with a piece of fabric.

"The blunt end of a machete," replied Cleo, her voice filled with concern, "Machete?" JJ asked a hint of pride in his voice, "The blunt end. Next time, duck," Y/N said, nodding at Cleo before turning to glare at JJ.

JJ chuckled, wincing slightly at the pain in his side. "I'll try to remember that next time," he said, his voice laced with humor, "Thanks for the save, Y/N."

Y/N shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. "You saved me, I save you," she said, her eyes softening as she looked at JJ, "I couldn't let anything happen to your dumbass."

JJ smirked, but then he suddenly fainted dramatically, his body falling back onto the boat.

Y/N gasped and rushed to his side, checking his wounds, "JJ, JJ, are you okay?" she asked, her voice full of worry, suddenly, JJ's eyes snapped open, and he grinned up at her. "Gotcha," he said, laughing.

Y/N rolled her eyes in vexation, but she couldn't help but smile, "You're such a drama queen," she said, shaking her head in amusement.

JJ sat up, wincing slightly at the pain in his side, "What can I say?" he said, his voice filled with humor. "I like to keep you on your toes." she looked at JJ in pure annoyance, raising an eyebrow, "I can throw you back, you know," she said, her voice laced with sarcasm.

JJ grinned, knowing full well that she would never actually do it. "You won't," he said, his voice teasing.

But then Y/N gave him a glare that made him wince. "You won't, right?" he asked, suddenly unsure, "if you annoy me, then I will." 

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

A/N: this might be one of the most beautiful things I've written along with Fairytale, my Kaz Brekker book which you can check out on Wattpad, my account is: KazBrekker090!

I am in love with JJ, that is it, took a while for me to finish this so please do comment what you think and whether I should write a Part 2 where they kiss? Request anything you wish by the way! and thank you!

Like and comment pls!

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

The beginner autistic guide to common terms in our community (with extra context!).

*Disclaimer, I’m not a professional. This is just knowledge from my experience as an autistic person. Please feel free to correct anything :)

These definitions will include some of my own opinions and thoughts, especially on the more controversial terms. This is simply to help better prepare new autistic community members for conversations they become engaged in. Having all the perspective and context you can have can be very helpful when moving into new social spaces.

Autism (Or Autistic Spectrum Disorder, ASD): A neurodevelopmental disorder that is present from very early childhood. It’s mostly recognised through difficulties with social interaction and restricted and/or repetitive behaviours. The way it is referred to as “Autism Spectrum Disorder” is specifically referring to the fact that autism presents in countless ways. There are common traits and patterns, but the severity and complexity of those traits and symptoms is infinite.

NOTE: This does not mean that ‘everyone is a little bit autistic’. You are either autistic or you are not. It just means that if you have autism, it may present very differently to other autistic people you know.

Asperger’s Syndrome: Asperger’s syndrome is usually considered an older term for a ‘subtype’ of autism. The term is considered outdated by the DSM-5 and no longer used in that document. However it is still used in a lot of other countries. Now it is becoming more socially known that ‘Asperger’s syndrome’ is just a specific presentation of autism. Many autistics don’t like the use of the word ‘Asperger’s’ because of a couple reasons:

The term has a long history with NAZI’s and eugenics.

The term seems to basically mean ‘high functioning’ autistic, which simplifies the condition.

Asperger’s Syndrome is defined in a very similar way to autism, however people with “Asperger’s’ may be described as ‘gifted’ or ‘intellectual’.

It’s important to note that many people still identify themselves with the term ‘Asperger’s’. While it is good to be educated and up to date with terminology, some people have identified with this term their whole life and it’s not wrong to use the term for one-self. But either way, I do encourage you to do more research if you are comfortable.

Neurotype: Can be basically defined as the type of brain function one has. Some people consider autism a neurotype, and then neurotypical as another neurotype. However, many people claim that autism is ‘just another neurotype’. This is a harmful way of thinking about autism because autism is a disability. Labelling it as a ‘neurotype’ belittles all the struggles autistic people have that make them disabled. Autism is a spectrum and so some autistic people may not really consider themselves disabled, but many do.

Neurotypical (NT): A non-autistic person with no other mental conditions.

Allistic: A non-autistic person who can still have other mental conditions, such as depression or ADHD.

Neurodivergent (ND): Traditionally ‘Neurodivergent’ has been used to mean either autistic or ADHD. However in some contexts it is used to mean someone with any mental condition, including personality disorders or mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety.

Neurodiversity: a term used to describe the fact that there are many neurotypes in the world. It is used to imply that differences in brain development and function should be accepted as relatively normal. I think this is a good sentiment, but that some neurotypes should still be considered disabilities as well as a neurotype, so as not to diminish the struggles specific neurotypes go through.

High functioning/Low functioning: The labels of functioning are terms used to describe how independent an autistic (or other kind of disabled) person is able to be. Many autistics do NOT like the use of these terms for a couple reasons:

It tends to focus on the way an autistics disability affects the allistic people around them.

It simplifies the experience of the individual with autism to how independent they are, and is also not very descriptive for anyone trying to help the said autistic person.

High needs/Low needs: These are labels used to describe how much assistance an autistic (or other kind of disabled) person may need. It is slightly preferred by autistic people as the language is more centred to what the autistic person needs, rather than how independent they can be.

NOTE, many autistic people would argue that these terms are basically the same as high functioning and low functioning. I personally consider it to be best to just state someones highest needs or difficulties. For example “Olivia is nonverbal and highly sensitive to light and noise.”.

Masking: Masking is the act of hiding ones autistic traits to appear to be neurotypical. Masking is often a survival strategy developed by autistics to evade bullying or isolation. Masking can include suppressing the urge to stim, forcing oneself to make eye contact, learning how to ‘properly’ execute facial expressions, studying body language, etc. Masking can be an extremely vital skill for autistic people, but when an autistic person has to mask for long periods of time it can lead to negative consequences such as burn out or meltdowns. Masking can also be used in the context of other disabilities, such as ADHD.

Scripting: Scripting is a form of masking, when an autistic person pre-plans or practices responses or entire conversations. You may have a script you unconsciously follow for questions like ��how are you?” Or “how is work?”, etc. It may be inspired from TV shows, movies or observing other people interact.

Burn out: Burn out is when an autistic person reaches their limit and has decreased energy for an extended period of time. Burn out may last anywhere between a couple days or a few years. Burn out is often caused by excessive masking, but can also be caused by repeated rejection, bullying or other mental conditions. Burn out is not the same as depression, but it can co-exist with depression.

Meltdown: A meltdown is when an autistic person experiences what might look like a ‘tantrum’. The person may be very angry, yelling, punching or hitting things (or themselves). They may be aggressively stimming or humming to themselves. A meltdown, internally, feels as if you are completely filled with negative energy, as if you might burst. It can feel like extreme irritation, or anger, or shame. Meltdowns can be caused by any number of stressful situations. For an autistic person this can be having a lot of social events, their routine being disrupted, having to eat foods they don’t like, being overstimulated, or even just negative social interactions.

Shutdown: A shutdown is very similar to a meltdown, in how it can be caused. For me personally, I tend to have a shutdown if I am not in a safe place to have a meltdown. From the outside it looks very similar to dissociation, and it can co-exist with dissociation. It typically feels like you are shutting down, turning off. You emotions were about to burst and then you just went numb. You may be unable to move, or go non-verbal. You may be crying quietly or you may simply just very suddenly feel the need to go home.

NOTE: Meltdowns and shutdowns can appear to feel like a panic attack, but they are different. Panic attacks come from intense feelings of dread or doom. Meltdowns and shutdowns come from repeated, or intense, stressful situations for an autistic.

Hypersensitive: Hypersensitivity is when the brain processes sensory input (such as touch, taste and smell) as much more intense than a neurotypical person would. This can mean that a slight cold breeze may feel painfully cold. Or looking outside a window can hurt ones eyes because it feels too bright. Or having to wear specific textures to stay calm.

Hyposensitive: Hyposensitivity is the opposite of hypersensitivity. It is when your brain inteprets sensory input as much less intense than a neurotypical would. Ways this can present in an autistic person include not realising when they hurt themselves, having a high pain tolerance, being unaware of temperature changes, etc. You may also not recognise your bodies hunger cues, dehydration or need for sleep.

NOTE: An autistic person can experience both hypersensitivity and hyposensitivity. It can also fluctuate day-to-day.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD): SPD is basically the term for experiencing lots of variation in your sensory input. It is similar to Auditory processing disorder. Which is where your hearing is technically fine (you aren’t any form of deaf), but you have trouble distinguishing what specific sounds are, or listening to one, important sound, in an area with lots of different noises (for example, being unable to understand what someone is saying next to you, because the TV is on.)

Overstimulation: This is when an autistic person has been experiencing too many different sensations at once, or for an extended period of time. This may be caused by too many noises happening at once. Or even just one annoying sound repeating for a long time. It can also be triggered by touch, taste, sight and smell.

Executive function/dysfunction: Executive function is the term used to describe how the brain initiates tasks. For neurodivergent folk, our executive function is often dysfunctional. This means we can often find it difficult to start new tasks. A way you may experience it is when you are sitting down, you may be screaming internally that you need to go and get some food, but your body seems unwilling to co-operate. Having executive dysfunction does not mean you are lazy, or do not want to do the task, it means you may be unable  to do the task.

Autistic intertia: Autistic inertia is related to executive dysfunction, because it is a term that helps describe how autistic people struggle to switch or initiate tasks. “ An autistic at rest remains at rest, and an autistic in motion remains in motion”.

Special interest/Hyperfixation: A special interest is a extremely long term interest/obsession with a particular topic. An example might be being really into pokemon. Learning all the different types of pokemon, playing all the games and collecting heaps of merch. A hyperfixation is a more short-lived interest that can be destructive in it’s severity (for example, it might get so extreme that it’s the only thing you can think about, to the point where you neglect your needs). Special interests are less likely to be destructive. But hyperfixations can be healthy and normal too.

Stimming: Stimming or self stimulation is the act of doing repetitive movements to help self regulate. Stimming can look like spinning, chewing, flapping hands, dancing, foot tapping, pen clicking, touch soft fabrics, using weighted blankets, lighting candles, eating crunchy snacks, etc. All of these forms of movement or repetitive sensory input can help us regulate our emotions better, prevent a meltdown or shutdown, or focus on a task easier.

NOTE: Echolalia is another term you may hear. It is a form of stimming in which an autistic person repeats sounds/phrases over and over.

ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism, but it affects the brain in different ways. It often presents as having difficulties with paying attention, regulating emotions and hyperactivity (or, alternatively, it can present as being inattentive).

Savant or Savant syndrome: A condition when someone with some type of significant mental disability is an expert/’savant’ in a particular field, to the point of surpassing neurotypical experts. An example might be having photographic memory, or being able to learn languages extremely easily, or being an extraordinary mathematician. Autistic people often don’t like to hear the term ‘savant’ as we are often only valued by ‘society’ if we are savants. And if we are not, then we are often treated as lesser. This is kind of a form of eugenics.

Eugenics: Eugenics is a philosophy or belief that we can selectively breed humans to ‘improve’ humanity. Or create the ‘perfect race’. This was an idealogy practiced by Adolf Hitler during WWII, which lead to the holocaust. Eugenics is often a subtly underlying philosophy behind many statements that, on face value, seem relatively harmless. For example - “autism is the next step in evolution” is currently a popular statement. However, this implies that every other neurotype is not an improvement, which therefore implies that being autistic is superior. This would be considered a form of eugenics. Eugenics is considered a horrible philosophy because it encourages people to look down on others and dehumanise anyone not like themselves.

Co-morbidity: A co-morbidity is the term used for a condition that is regularly seen in conjunction with another condition. For example, autism and ADHD are often seen together. However, it can also be used to simply describe someone who has more than one condition (physical or mental).

AuDHDer: Someone with autism and ADHD. Just a shortened way to refer to people with both disabilities.

Selective mutism/Situational mutism: When an autistic person (or other neurotype) experiences periods of being unable to speak or communicate. This can often occur in stressful situations, like before tests or during doctors appointments. It is officially referred to as ‘selective mutism’ but many are trying to change it to ‘situational mutism’ as the individual does not willingly choose when they go non-verbal.

Alexithymia: Alexithymia is typically described as the inability to define and/or describe ones emotions. So you may often feel a type of discomfort, but not be able to label what it is. Not being able to distinguish between anger and irritability. Or not knowing if you feel sad or confused. It can make seeking professional help for many conditions really difficult, as you are unable to put your experience into words. It can also be similar to hyposensitivity in the way that it makes it difficult to understand what you body is feeling.

Dyspraxia: Dyspraxia is a disorder that affects co-ordination, movement and balance. It can make things such as sports, driving, cooking and writing difficult. It is fairly common in autistic people.

Prosopagnosia: The inability to recognise/remember faces. It is more common in autistic people.

Synesthesia: Synesthesia is when one form of sensory input is sometimes also experienced as another. For example, someone with this condition may see colours when they hear someones name. They may hear a song and get a taste in their mouth. This is also more common in autistic people.

FINAL NOTE: Autism is a spectrum and you may not experience all of these different terms, or you may not experience them in the way I described them. That does not mean you aren’t autistic. This is not a diagnostic tool. This is simply a guide to learning the terms you may often hear when discussing autism.

[sirgogington]

My Word Vomit Response on the Shelby Situation

Main Situation: Last week Wilbur Soot from Lovejoy was accused of having been abusive towards his ex girlfriend Shelby. Shelby is a live streamer and last week she did a livestream about the signs of knowing if you are in an abusive relationship. She never stated his name, but from details given people started assuming it was about Wilbur Soot. A few days later Wilbur confirmed that it was him in an apology tweet on his Twitter account. The abuse had to do with painful biting, and manipulation. 

    I want to start off by saying I do believe Shelby's story. I don't think Wilbur is innocent, but I do believe this situation isn't as black and white as people are claiming it to be. 

    Former fans after hearing the story started unfollowing Wilbur and Lovejoy and saying what a terrible man that Wilbur is, and vowing to never listen to or view any of his content ever again. He's not just a terrible man, he has to be evil too. I may be optimistic but I do think most people can change for the better if they truly want to. There are exceptions, but I truly believe that Wilbur can. The internet wants to just label him as evil and not give him any room to do that. The new thing is "guilty until proven innocent" and that's super harmful as I will go into in a different post. The way people are spreading hate in a us/them mentality is not a mature way of viewing/handling this situation and does more harm than good. Especially when it comes to death threats and doxing which have been received by both sides.

   Wilbur is someone who had a hard upbringing, and has brought up at different times his struggles with mental health. On screen or on stage you would never know this about him, because he has this mask of being confident, well spoken, and joyful. Through these details Wilbur has shared we know that touring took a lot out of him mentally and put him in a bad place, but that he was seeking therapy and is probably currently still seeing a therapist to try and get better. He's shared in the past that when he first blew up on the internet he used alcohol to cope because of how overwhelming it was that so many people were consuming his content. From Shelby's stream we also learned that his living space was dirty and unhygienic and that he would make excuses for it. The details for me paint the picture of a guy struggling badly with mental illness and having a hard time caring for himself and his home. Someone who can hardly take care of themselves should not have been in a relationship. This puts a lot on the other person.  It's different if he were stable and then then his mental health crashed in the middle of a longer relationship, but not if your too mentally ill to begin with. I do deeply feel sorry that Shelby had to experience that, as it truly shouldn't have happened. 

   I went to school for psychology and know quite a bit about different types of mental illnesses. I am by no means diagnosing Wilbur, but I do think he shows signs of someone with Boderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is an emotional disregulation disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD self sabotage and will frequently end up pushing people away because they don't think they're good enough for them. (In this case maybe he wanted to act so bad so she would leave him, which is very unhealthy). People with BPD also go through depressive episodes and can act impulsively. Without therapy it is extremely hard to cope with this condition but with therapy you can make great strides in changing. I think like most mental illnesses you are aware of the fact you don't like the way you're acting you just have a hard time controlling it. For instance for me growing up with anxiety I knew most of my fears were completely irrational but that didn't stop them from overtaking my life and still feeling anxious. Wilbur has written some really deep lyrics on his new solo album Mammalian Sighing Reflex and I feel like it reflects that he doesn't like the way he is and feels guilty about those he's harmed through it. Maybe I'm giving this man too much credit, but like I said I do believe most people are capable of changing for the better. 

   Shelby stated she did the livestream as a way to help protect other victims of domestic violence and Wilbur Soot himself. He might still be dangerous to the public, it's really hard to know. I know after my own situation with being manipulated I was worried about the guy going after other younger women like he had with me. I didn't want anyone else have to be in that situation so I understand where Shelby is coming from. I also know that if the guy in my life had ever posted an apology, no matter how good it was, that I still wouldn't believe him and have a hard time forgiving him. Bold take but I think his apology was at least decent. Could it have been better, yeah, but could it have been a lot worse, also yes. In his apology he admits to being the person Shelby was talking about. He states that her feelings are valid, and that he wants people to hold him to higher accountability, and that he was sorry for any hurt he caused. Maybe he isnt, but it's hard to know. Wilbur stated in a livestream from last October 2023 that he was going to therapy the next day, because of this we can assume that Wilbur has been going to therapy at minimum since October. In that same livestream he states that he showers once a day when he's in his "big sad", and that he has rented places all over Brighton. He is at least hygienic in this regard, maybe moreso than he was before. It could be a red flag that Wilbur has lived all over Brighton due to possible evictions whether that be negligence or noise complaints from doing livestreams.

   We'll never know how other content creators truly feel about him except for the ones that made it obvious. Of course most content creators are going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that he's an evil man. If they don't then they'll lose their platform because of all the hate they'd get. I do believe some content creators will still hang out with Wilbur secretly or still even remain his friend. But we'll never know. 

   For the people who are posting different video evidences of Wilbur supposedly showing signs of being abusive in the past this is what is called confirmation bias. If you believe someone is abusive suddenly you can find details in the littlest things to confirm your thought process. A lot of the clips I've been seeing have been of normal everyday behavior or confirmed bits. I've seen people say that Wilbur must have bit down really hard to leave bruises. In some cases people bruise more easily than others. I know I have random bruises on my body from nothing. We can tell that what Wilbur did however was pretty painful due to have to use a safe word. Getting bitten usually hurts. I've been bitten by a 5 year old at work and can't imagine how it would feel to be bitten by a grown man who intentionally bit down hard.

This could be confirmation bias as well, but when looking at the lyrics in Mammalian Sighing Reflex and at the album art it seems to tell the story of a man (Wilbur) who really messed up in a relationship and is feeling the pain from that, and has a lot of regret due to knowing he was the cause of her pain. He poured so much of himself into the album it's like he's bleeding out in front of the audience with the amount of vulnerability.

Analyzing lyrics because why not, using lyrics from "Mammalian Sighing Reflex"

"I get so drunk I can barely see." If this album is related to his relationship with Shelby, which I think it probably is, then maybe he tried to cope with the relationship failing by using alcohol, or sabotaged the relationship through drinking.

"A lot of friends have left my life, escaping my tractor beam of woe" Having a mental illness can make it hard to maintain friendships. This could be because it makes you so self-focused on your problems, or that people get tired of hearing about your problems. If you constantly talk about how sad you are, some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, or get burnt out from having to keep on cheering you up.

"Fuck my life, you cared when I was sick, no one ever gave a shit.....you fought this war one-sided and asked me what am I doing this for." These lyrics seem to speak about how in a past relationship (probably meaning with Shelby), that she cared that he was mentally ill/in a low point and wanted to help him get better. The fight to help him get better was one-sided due to Wilbur not helping to get himself better. If he would have helped her then they "could of stitched my mind together."

"Never been the one for romance, never thought that I'd get married. Never been the kind to give a shared life a second glance, selfish prose." In Shelby's livestream she talked about how her and Wilbur talked about the possibility of getting married and having kids until he backtracked and said that he wasn't that way and changed his mind.

The song "I Don't Think It Will Ever End" is how his mind seems to work in cycles. He'll be sad, because he feels sad he hides away for a bit, but then he feels silly for hiding himself so he forces himself to interact with people. But then when forcing himself to interact again he feels sad, which he says is not a good feeling when you're supposedly in a good phase. He says as self-sabotage he gets silly. Wilbur is known for telling a lot of jokes, and maybe this is a way he masks his true feelings. Also for Mammalian Sighing Reflex it says the songs were written by William Gold (his legal name) and performed by Wilbur Soot (his stage name). Wilbur is who the internet/fans see him as and William Gold is who he really is. Meaning the way we see him online is the extroverted, charismatic, likeable guy we know him as whereas William Gold is introverted, self-sabotaging, nerdy, and a deep thinker.

     The internet gives us way too much information. We're constantly bombarded with more and more information. Before the internet and even in the earlier internet days you did not have this. People were not being as closely viewed and known as they are now. You have to be careful about every little thing you say, because God forbid you say the wrong thing and get canceled. It didn't used to be this way. The only reason you'd ever know anything bad about a celebrity is if they were in the news. I think most of the media we consume whether TV shows, movies, etc. have the potential to have us supporting "bad people". It would be overwhelming to look up every single person we had ever consumed media from and sift through what are lies and what are not about each actor, singer, etc. I get that people don't want to give a platform to people doing bad things, but it's almost impossible to know and to remove every single bad person from the content you consume.  Being a celebrity in general is hard. It's easy to become addicted to drugs, and experience toxicity especially celebrities that live in Los Angeles. Most become people they regret, but some change for the better too. I'm not saying people who do serious crimes should get out of jail because they can become better people. People in jail should remain in jail for serious crimes. Time will tell what becomes of him. If more about him is released or if he's able to actually make strides in his health like he said he would. We will wait and see. I really hope he can heal and get better. Even the most unlikely ones can change their lives. You can both support Shubble and hope that Wilbur gets better.

[dykeiism]

whenever i see people talking about the purpose of mental health diagnoses, three reasons usually come up:

to encourage self-understanding

to concisely describe treatment options to professionals

to gain access to resources and accomodations

but it's hard for me to agree with any of these. given the harm associated with diagnosis, especially diagnosis of a personality disorder, i'm finding it increasingly difficult to justify diagnosing any mental disorder at all. below the cut is a breakdown of each of these three reasons, and why i believe that none of them hold up to criticism.

(1) to encourage self-understanding.

diagnostic criteria are so rigid that they discourage self-understanding. they fragment the human experience, categorizing it into easily digestible groups of "symptoms" rather than understanding a person's struggles holistically. this is why we have a phenomenon of people thinking, "well, my anxiety tells me this, but my depression tells me that" and "i'm having an intrusive thought but can't tell if it's coming from my ocd, ptsd, or bpd." diagnosis misleads patients into believing that, much like one might cough due to either pollen in the lungs or a respiratory illness, one might feel anxious due to either their generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis or their post-traumatic stress disorder diagnosis. a more accurate understanding of the human mind would necessarily involve doing away with the pathology of gad versus ptsd, and instead being able to understand that the anxiety might simply result from a combination of previous negative experiences, a naturally sensitive personality, and underdeveloped emotion regulation skills. a diagnosis is a description of a pattern of thoughts and behaviours; nothing more. my mental health conditions don't cause me to think or behave a certain way. rather, my thoughts and behaviours are similar to the thoughts and behaviours of other people who have also been deemed mentally sick. this makes it possible for doctors to use a certain diagnosis as a shorthand to describe my personality and skills (i refuse to call such things "symptoms") to other doctors. it does not mean that i have a sickness that causes me to think and act in certain way.

why would i want to understand myself through the lens of a psychiatrist, anyways? psychiatry is a deeply individual solution to systemic problems. we're living in a world that evolution could not prepare us for, yet we are told that there's something wrong with our brains if we're unable to adapt to these unprecedented living conditions. i refuse to believe that my brain is sick unless somebody has looked at my brain and can tell me where the sickness is. we must not forget that we're dealing with the discipline that understood homosexuality and hysteria as mental illnesses, and that initially understood autism to be a form of schizophrenia.

(2) to concisely describe treatment options to professionals

imagine, if you will, someone with post-traumatic stress disorder. all you know about them is that they have ptsd. now, recommend a treatment method for them!

nobody can give a good treatment recommendation based on that diagnosis alone. more information is needed: is the patient dealing with persistent general anxiety, sudden panic attacks, or a phobia? does the patient have compulsions? is the patient aggressive, anxious, or depressive? depending on the answers, the ideal treatment plan will be quite different.

now let's consider borderline personality disorder. there are 4 types of bpd and there are 256 possible ways to combine the 5 symptoms required for diagnosis (there are 9 symptoms in total). the personalities, cognitive abilities, and struggles of people diagnosed with bpd are quite diverse, and they will all require varying types and degrees of professional intervention. that being said, bpd is almost always treated with dbt and a few medication options including antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and anticonvulsants. there are so many other disorders that are treated with dbt and the same drugs. so why make bpd, bipolar, ptsd, cptsd, and depression their own diagnoses? what reason is there, other than to fragment our struggles and generate stigma?

my wish for the future of psychiatry is that, instead of being diagnosed with a disorder that is simultaneously very specific yet inexplicably vague, patients will be told "your struggles are related to trauma and emotional dysregulation. i recommend that you take an antidepressant and attend dialectical behavioural therapy sessions," or "your struggles are related to catastrophization and unhelpful behaviours, i recommend that you engage in cognitive behavioural therapy."

(3) to gain access to resources and accommodations

there are better ways to do this. i don't think anyone should be turned away from the accommodations that they need. however, if resources are scarce and must be gatekept, then a simple interview or quotient test will be sufficient in determining the level of need.

[iwrite-sinsandtragedies]

"The start of / the end of — a movie I've seen... before." [prev.]

Step 3 is finished ..•ᐠ.˙( ੭˘ ³˘)੭~`.•ᐟthank˙ .❤•˙. god ｡ﾟ･ﾟ✧˙..

Background below:

[CW: anxiety, depression, eating disorder, PTSD, survivors guilt, Attempted Suicide and Depictions of Self-Harm]

Song: Lizzy McAlpine - ceilings

—

Like a pearl, Ai grows into something preciously beautiful and refined with each passing day. She is not perfect, not as strong as you would expect, but there is something of a quality in her so fine that she is still coveted by those that have found her.

There's an air of grace and confidence in how she moves and acts, learned in part from all her passionate years of dance. Her voice is like crystal chimes, an instrument of music and always two steps from another sweet and tinkling laugh. She's warm and bright with stars in her eyes and love in her heart, influenced through the years in all the very best ways by her family and friends.

And she's not perfect. It's something that has to be said because many people like to think that she is - that the refinement of her self at this blossoming age has been something she never had to work for - but those people simply don't know Ai one bit.

After 13 Ai went through some of the hardest years of her young life. Learning to let people love her (that they could love her - that she was someone to love) learning to let herself change and fail without the fear that it would destroy everything she had grown to love as well. There were still things she had never expressed to her family, likely never would. They still didn't know about the full story of the car crash or why it affected her so, it was something she wouldn't even tell her therapist, and it put a lot of delay on her growth as people struggled to find the source of her ever present anxiety and guilt at simply existing in a world that her first family did not.

But there were lights to guide her: Only Cove, Cliff, Derek and Lee at first - sometimes Ma, when Ai was desperate, eventually mom and Liz as years moved on - but eventually Miranda grew, stubbornly, into the garden of her life and Terri and Jude quickly came with her. They curled around her walls like ivy, surrounded her lonely tower with life and beauty and wonder. With love.

And time passed, and Ai grew with them.

It was Jude that first heard the full tale of the car accident (Miranda was having a sleepover and he found Ai alone, crying in the kitchen after an especially terrible nightmare, he sat there with her all night - listened to her - made her feel safe). The next person to find out was Cliff, who had helped her moms go searching for the girl after an especially terrible fight (they sat in the grass, Ai tucked tightly under his one arm as she cried into his chest. Despite all her beliefs that he wouldn't - Cliff stayed. He said he would always stay). Surprisingly, she was never able to tell the story to Cove. Despite being her dearest, closest everything, Ai was always too afraid for his gentle heart to burden him like that. And so, with her world just a little more wider, a little more brighter, she continued to grow.

When her 18th summer came, Ai couldn't tell you what she had been expecting of it, honestly. Despite all her hard work, all her scholarships and diplomas and good grades, despite the money she'd saved and the plans she'd made. Despite the friends and family she had gained and, most of all, despite all of her growth - Ai suddenly found herself feeling like she did way back then.

Like she was 6 years old all over again.

Her world was suddenly so big and scary and irreversibly about to change before her very eyes and there was no promise she wouldn't be alone again when everything stopped spinning. She hated it.

So, she clung tighter to what she had grown and built. Pulled close everything she cherished, dug her nails in until it bled. She wouldn't expand on her plans when asked, she didn't want to think about them anymore. She just wanted to see tomorrow come and go as it had gone every other day before.

She didn't want to lose everything again.

And so, a Mr. Baxter Alexander Ward was - as he so often would be in her life - the wrench that completely shattered all her plans.

And she loved him.

That first day, that first moment, when he appeared in her life on a quiet sunny street - Ai couldn’t have known what Baxter was going to become to her - but what she did know, as she wrapped him up tight in that warm and welcoming embrace, was that she didn’t want to let him go. That she wanted to hold him close. That he was precious.

That feeling grew with each new day. It was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. He was new, he was change but he wasn’t a bad change. Baxter, like a memory - like a step in a dance she had almost forgotten to take - fit perfectly into a part of herself that she hadn’t thought to still exist. He was her fire, the spark of wildness of her youth that had her take chances and risks that would add gray hairs to her mother’s heads had they only known about it. He looked at her with that smile and all she could ever do was helplessly smile back, only ever take his offered hand at each and every single chance.

They danced and danced and danced until she was dizzy from the spinning and laughing and completely irreversibly in love with him.

And when he faltered, she was there to catch his hand and lead him back.

And they danced.

Into the ocean shallows, into the sprinkle damp grass. After the jingle of summers tune or wrapped up in his clothes, under sparkling night skies. They danced. In early mornings and late evenings, half asleep or a bit tipsy. Stumbling over a creek or on a ship at sea. They danced. Smelling of midnight sweets, dressed up classy or silly or comfy and warm. They danced.

Quietly and closely in the night as they kissed - they danced.

And she loved him.

And it broke her heart.

Song: Lauren Aquilina - Forest Fires

Unbeknownst to Baxter, when he left, he took much much more than just Ai’s 18th summer with him. Much more.

It was as if that fire he had set in her had spread to the very tower in which she lived. All the love and comfort and growth, all the work and hard won progress through every difficult year, all of it went up in a sickening black smoke. All of it burned away like car oil and ash and left her exactly as she had felt on that day when her world had terribly changed.

And Ai broke.

In the following months, the girl everyone had grown to cherish and love became a shell of her former self. The first weeks were the worst - having to watch her waste away with each missed meal and nightmare that kept her awake. Cove slipped through her window nearly every single night, only sleeping in his own bed when she was slipping through his window instead.

Though worried, her friends initially kept their distance on the request of her parents, who worried about her fragile state and wanted to give her time to process and heal. The moment Jude found out about this, he showed up at Ai’s front door and gave everyone a piece of his mind (ultimately, this was the day that the rest of the family found out about the full story behind the car crash). Now, more than ever, was the time they needed to be there for Ai.

The sudden reintroduction of all her dearly loved ones seemed to help things. She started eating, eventually even started to smile again. Found her long lost laugh. The mom’s stopped hearing her nightmares. With each day the world seemed brighter - better - like things might almost be back to okay.

Ai was smiling again.

And so no one expected her attempted suicide.

It was Cove who walked into the kitchen this time. He wasn’t as lucky as Elizabeth - Ai hadn’t missed the artery this time. He had never seen her covered in so much red.

It was little comfort that, while he tried to save her life, Ai's own eyes looked as terrified as his.

But she didn’t die.

No, she survived. She always survived. As little as she wanted to, as little as she believed she deserved to, Ai was still alive.

And she wasn’t alone. That was the part that surprised her most.

Despite the fire - the flames of Baxter’s light that still burned her alive - the world around her tower once again started to grow. Because her mother’s held her as they cried, and her sister wouldn’t let her go. Because Cliff and Cove did exactly the same, because they stayed and would always stay - despite everything they stayed with her. And everywhere she looked, she found another hand and another face that loved her (in Derek and Miranda and Jude and Terri and Lee and more) and the ivy that they planted stubbornly clung to her, and refused to let her go.

Continued to grow.

Ai was never quite the same after Baxter left. She never shone as bright, never laughed in that sweet and tinkling way that they all remembered - but Ai was alive. And maybe she was a bit more quiet now, and maybe she hid behind her hair most of the time, but she was still Ai.

Not perfect. Not as strong as you would expect. Yet still so so endlessly precious to all those who have ever found her. And loved.

[fleur-du-soleil-immortel]

Fleur Du Soleil Immortel

In the once-lively kingdom of Soleil, ruled by a caring royal family, a divine curse plunges the land into eternal rot and winter after their goddess loses her immortality. As the rot spreads, devastating the population and causing famines, the kingdom survives through scarce magic and struggles to sustain itself.

You, a child born out of an affair between Duke Forestier and an unknown mother, are abandoned and hidden away in a small cottage on the Forestier property. Treated as a servant by your own family, you endure years of abuse and neglect.

On your 10th birthday, your elder brother appears at your door, welcoming you into the family. However, life within the household proves to be far from welcoming, as you continue to face mistreatment.

Everything changes when the Emperor orders an arranged marriage between your elder sister and the Second Heir. Unexpectedly, your family sends you instead, thrusting you into a dangerous power struggle between two royals. Now, you must navigate the treacherous court, uncover the truth behind your strange healing abilities, and seek answers about your mysterious mother.

As you strive to survive amidst courtly intrigues, you may discover the key to saving the kingdom or become its very downfall. Will you find happiness and bring hope to Soleil, or will the weight of your circumstances consume you?

Features

Genre: Fantasy, Mystery and Romance 

Rating: 18+ For child abuse, blood, sexually explicit scenes, Self Harm, Drinking, Smoking, Suicidal/depressing thoughts and Death. 

Customize your characters gender, sexuality, appearance, personality, interests ect!

Romance one of 6 possible ROs including poly routes or just befriend them!

Learn the secret to your powers, will you use them to help others or get revenge? 

Support the second heir in their fight for the crown or side with their brother! 

Do charity work and make change, including building a school for commoners!

Romance Options 

Anastasius/Anastasia Soleil The Second Heir 

A is 5'8 [5'1 Female] with a thin and frail body, ghostly pale skin that gives them a sickly appearance, even having a blue tinge. They have straight, snow white hair that stops a little above their shoulders[Waist length Female] that frames a heart shaped face, thick white lashes making their pale blue eyes stand out. They often have dark bags underneath them. Their right arm and left leg had been taken by the rot and are replaced with beautifully crafted prosthetics with Intricate designs, though sometimes they prefer their wheelchair. 

A is a cold and cunning person with a sharp tongue. They can be petty and quick to anger. Due to their poor health they have spent most their life confined to their bed chambers with occasional outings, though they are not to be underestimated as they have eyes and ears everywhere. Many who have crossed them are rumored to have disappeared.

William/Wilma Dufort The Knight 

They are 6’2 with a fit and athletic build from intense training as a knight. They have a warm brown skin with little freckles across an oval shaped face, dimples on each cheek. Light brown coils placed in a low messy ponytail. Vibrant green eyes framed by long thick lashes.

W is a kind and easygoing person, loyal to a fault. They are hardworking, dedicated to their job as a knight. They are friendly, often helping others out whenever they can, especially when it comes to A. They can be rather oblivious despite how many find them attractive. 

Calypso Alarie The Mysterious Mage

They are 5'9[5'6 as female] with Lithe yet fit frame, dark flawless brown skin. They have long black locs often placed in a messy bun. Golden eyes framed by thick lashes and a diamond shaped face. They have a beauty mark under their left eye. Their skin has a natural golden glitter to it.

They spend most of their time researching in the library, a true socially awkward bookworm. They get easily flustered when realizing someone is flirting with them. They can easily lose track of time when it comes to their work. They prefer to observe over interacting.

Asher De La Rue The Servant 

They are 5’9[5'4 Female] with a Lithe body and cool beige skin tone. They have messy obsidian black hair that stops a little past their ears, framing their diamond shaped face[Shoulder length Female) and covers their milky white eyes. 

Asher is a playful, flirty and sarcastic person. They never seem to take anything seriously. They are charming and can talk their way out of almost any trouble.

Liliana/Lillian Petit The Free Spirit

They are 5'4 with fair skin, they have a slender body covered in freckles. They have a heart shaped face with big dark brown doe eyes and messy ginger hair.[Long elaborate braid for female and somewhat short as male]

They are a free spirit, often seen entertaining others through song and dance. They are stubborn yet kind, looking at the world with a cup half full outlook. They are adventurous, often finding themselves in trouble.

Raymond/Ramona Destry Crown Princes Lapdog

They are 6'3 with a muscular build, with scarred olive skin. They have obsidian eyes and a black buzzcut, complementing their diamond shaped face. They have a scar going through their right eyebrow. 

R is arragont. They are extremely quick to anger and resort to violence against those they deem to have wronged them. They absolutely hate studying, unable to sit still long, or stay focused, preferring to be outside training or partaking in a battle or tournament. Despite being referred to as stupid, they are a master at handling weapons and formulating battle strategy. They are considered the Dog of the Crown Prince.

[championleonsslut]

Wonder how Leon is around a depressed, self harming grump? Probably could tell I’m self inserting a bit. You don’t need to do this prompt if it’s too triggering.

Aww sweetie! I do hope you feel better :) I went through a rough patch myself, and found that somehow shoving myself into my work helped turn me around. I’m sorry if I struggled to come up with ideas for this one

Leon W/ a S/O who has really bad depression

Warning! Self-harm, depression, mention of parental abuse, and a little bit of suicide. Reader is gender-neutral, I think? Read at your own risk!

Leon loved you. He loved you so much.

He always knew you had issues with your parents. They would talk down to you, expected you to be perfect, and even sometimes took it as far as physical or verbal abuse.

He hated how they treated you, and how awful it made you feel about yourself.

When you guys started dating, you were doing okay. Not great, but okay. But your parents only became more and more pressuring… Especially since you were dating the champion.

Leon thought he was being helpful whenever he talked to you about it and tried to help, but he was really only getting the tip of the iceberg.

You always wore long sleeves, and he didn’t figure out why until one day your sleep shirt got rolled up a little. He saw them.

Slices across your arms. Some were bloody, some were scars, and some looked faded. He rapidly shook you awake from your shared bed with tears in his eyes.

He was terrified, and also angry that you had been keeping this from him. You broke and confessed through sobs.

What your parents had been doing to you was really taking a toll on you. You were in such an awful mental headspace. You had suicidal thoughts, thoughts that if you weren’t good enough you should cut yourself, thoughts that you weren’t deserving of Leon.

This broke his heart. He hated knowing you were so miserable, but also planned to do everything in his power to help you get better. He fell asleep with you in his arms, as you cried into his chest.

He first talked to you and figured out what you wanted. You guys decided starting with a therapist was the best option.

Now: I can see this taking two paths, one where you get better… And one where you don’t. Let’s start with the one where you don’t.

It turns out nothing was working. Your parents had made such a horrible impact on you that couldn’t be fixed.

Leon came home one day from work to find a note on the kitchen table. A note with you saying goodbye to him, and telling him how much you loved him. 

He immediately starts panicking, and rushes up to your shared bedroom. But he’s too late… You’ve already done what you thought was right. There’s a small gun on the floor, and you’re laying on the floor, with a pool of your own blood around you.

Leon starts sobbing, and he runs over to your dead body. He’s horrified that he couldn’t save you, and that you took such drastic consequences.

He grieves for months. He’s miserable without you around. He does eventually end up with someone else, and marries them… But he never forgot you. He still loves you with all his heart. He takes the time to visit your grave once a week, all throughout his life.

Now, on a lighter note: the ending where you do get better.

Talking with your therapist worked, but you needed more too. So they put you on medication, and had you completely cut off your parents. You had to get a restraining order, which made your parents furious.

But Leon is so proud of you the entire way. He watches you slowly get better, and become so perky and happy!

You eventually don’t need the medication anymore, and even get into a few hobbies. You’re happier than ever, and even happier to be with Leon.

And he’s never been more attracted to you.

[sillystringsimpsons]

Sorry if this is really broad, but what are some details about Legs in The Good Ones Au? Like I’m really interested in his relationship with Louie, and his BPD headcanon; as someone who suspects she has BPD, it’s really cool to see rep in characters, even if it’s a headcanon :D

PLEASE READ CONTENT AND TRIGGER WARNINGS IN TAGS.

this was a very high effort post, interactions are hugely appreciated <3

Awesome question!

In terms of Legs and Louie’s relationship, I have a Louie-focused fanfic I’m working on that really explores their relationship within the AU, so I won’t go into it. But I’d love to discuss his borderline personality disorder in a bit more depth!

To start, here's a vent sketch I made a few days ago that I feel is pretty relevant here.

[The full discussion of Legs' BPD is beneath the cut :>]

Before I get into this, I think it’s important to recognise that BPD is significantly more prevalent in people assigned female at birth, as well as typically presenting differently; despite this, however, the core traits of borderline remain, and neither sex struggles more or less than the other.

Also, BPD is a very complex disorder. In its nature, it is constantly shifting and changing; I live with discouraged borderline and even I struggle to put to words what my experience as a whole is like; some information here might seem a little contradictory, and some traits I discuss may seem more frontal to Legs' character than they actually are. At the end of the day, he really is just a guy living with a difficult and scary disorder, and I've done my best to capture and discuss that here.

AU LORE AROUND HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH BPD

Maximus is not formally diagnosed with BPD, per se; at around age twenty-nine, following a severe depressive episode and a bender that was almost fatal (during which he also temporarily lost his position as caporegime), Louis essentially forced him to seek psychiatric help. Surprisingly, he opened up to the psychiatrist working his case - pretty much too emotionally exhausted from what he’d just been through to put up a fight - who immediately picked up on patterns in his behaviour indicative of borderline pd: instability in his relationships resultant of an intense fear of abandonment, frequent and drastic mood swings, a constantly shifting self-image, and most often mentioned by him, an ‘emptiness’ that he confessed to continually trying to overcome with substance abuse and other risky behaviours. In addition, he displayed a lot of archetypal traits of male borderline personality disorder, especially a penchant for sudden and explosive aggression. For a number of reasons, however (drifting away from therapy, the sex bias in BPD diagnosis, and him presenting some nonconvential traits for male BPD, such as high emotional awareness), he never really ended up progressing with a diagnosis past one or two preliminary screeners.

LEGS' BPD SUBTYPE

Self-destructive BPD, which is what Max has, is one of four commonly recognised subtypes of the disorder (the other three being discouraged (omg me!), impulsive, and petulant). These are generally quite loose groupings, not rigid classifiers: he obviously still has some traits from other subtypes (notably the perfectionism and withdrawal from close relationships exhibited in discouraged BPD), but I’ve classed him under self-destructive because of his strong internal self hatred that primarily manifests itself in self-destructive behaviours. Additionally, he is very adrenaline seeking: though he’s normally quiet and doesn’t appear to be much of a risk-taker, he’ll take subtle, calculated risks that often end him up in near-death situations. Max struggles with substance abuse (exhibiting functional alcoholism), as well as self-harm (often resorting to hitting himself until he bruises in private when he experiences any sort of intense emotional turmoil); both are borne of last-ditch attempts to ease the internal struggle he endures as a result of his personality disorder, and are also very characteristic of self-destructive BPD.

IS LOUIE LEGS' FP?

A favourite person, or an FP, is a phenomenon commonly observed in people with BPD: the relationship starts off healthy, but gradually grows toxic as the pwBPD becomes increasingly dependent on their FP and literally requires them and their attention to ensure their mood stays up. Without them, the pwBPD will often experience negative emotions so intense that they can even present themselves in suicidal ideations and threats. There is a lot of negativity online directed towards people with borderline from people who have been in relationships with them, because it is an extremely draining, and in extreme cases, traumatising experience to be a FP; this, however, is built on misunderstanding - it’s not a conscious action on the pwBPDs behalf, and with proper communication and boundary setting, it is very much possible to keep the relationship healthy and well-balanced. I just wanted to write this section to specify that Louis is NOT Maximus’ FP. Yes, their relationship is very often impacted negatively by his disorder, and Louie has been the subject of splitting (wherein a person with BPD characterises a person or event as either extremely good or extremely bad) more than enough times, but their relationship has never entered FP territory, and I don’t intend to write it as doing so. Legs has an almost big-brotherly role (symbolically, lol, as they have a really small age gap) and isn’t so much obsessed with Louie as he really cares about him and desires to look after and be there for him, which is essentially the opposite dynamic to the conventional pwBPD-FP relationship.

There's a lot more I could go into, but I think I'll keep it at this for now, and let any work I make featuring Legs speak for itself. If you have and specific questions, though, my asks and DMs are always open and I am a violent yapper; just shoot me a question and I'll be more than happy to elaborate.

[just-jordie-things]

(starting a new hc series)

JJK Characters as… *drum roll*

UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISM

!!! Trigger warning for anyone who needs it, don't read further if you're easily triggered by unhealthy coping mechanisms!!!

(Bear with me, this is gonna be long)

1. Substance abuse -> Shoko

I think this goes without saying. Shoko smokes heavily, she is the one with the highest alcohol tolerance and drinks a lot. She does that to cope with every single one of her friends slowly dying away in front of her. And she, as the major doctor/healer in jujutsu society is unable to save any of them. I can’t blame her.

2. Avoidance and denial -> Satoru

This just kinda screams Gojo to me. Satoru had 11 years to stop Suguru during his crusade of killing non-sorcerers. But he didn’t do anything about it. It’s like he totally denied it happening. He avoided it all, he was just as delulu as we all are.

3. Self-harm -> Suguru, Megumi, Yuji

Especially during the time he lost himself, this is 100% Suguru, no one can tell me otherwise. I feel in his search for his way he would have definitely harmed himself, even if only to be able to control one single thing: the pain. I put Megumi on the list too because he strikes me as someone who would hide his depression and breakdowns well. He’d hide it so well that no one suspects anything, but that also means that no one is there when he needs someone, that’s why he’d turn to harm himself, in my opinion. Yuji is on here because of post-Shibuya. I feel especially with all the shit Sukuna pulled, Yuji just wanted something he could control, but he’d also do it as a means to punish himself.

4. Negative self-talk -> Megumi

This goes hand in hand with the previous one. Megumi had to deal with lots of tragedies in his life at a young age. No parents, taken in by a weird-looking white-haired “freak”, having immense inner turmoil especially when his sister fell into a coma, finding a new friend and having him die in front of him. He’s been through a lot and it’s caused him to sometimes blame himself, which then turned into him talking to himself negatively.

5. Emotional eating or binge eating -> Satoru

We all know Gojo has a sweet tooth, which initially started out as a means to stimulate his brain. But what y’all don’t know is that this guy binges whenever he is stressed. He’s an emotional eater. Whenever something’s bothering him he’s buying half the candy store and binging everything. He’s got a fast metabolism and trains a lot, which is why it’s not causing any weight gain. But that boy can eat more candy in a week than other people in a year.

6. Isolation -> Suguru, Satoru, Nanami, Megumi

Suguru, especially during his depressive episodes, isolated himself clearly. But even though he seems happier now that he found his way, sometimes he will still isolate himself, like when he watches the sunset alone with a hundred thoughts in his mind. He’s gotten so used to being alone and isolating himself that he’d never open up, even to close people. There’s only one person he would ever open up to. But the reason he didn’t was because he didn’t want to be seen as a burden. What Suguru doesn’t know is that Satoru developed a habit of isolating himself as well. He doesn’t have much choice. The only people from his friend group who are still around are Shoko and Nanami, both of whom have their own lives and struggles. Shoko was never as close to him as Suguru, and he feels guilty about talking to her about it because, after all, she was there too. Nanami saw Haibara die, he quit Jujutsu Society for years. Even if Satoru tries to be the funny, teasing, and annoying senior, he would never let Nanami inside his mind the same way as he did Suguru. Therefore isolation is his only consolation. Nanami didn’t open up to anyone in his office job, he learned from his jujutsu days that friendships are temporary cause you never know when someone leaves or dies. Even if the risk of dying in an office isn’t nearly as high as the one for sorcerers, he just never opened up to anyone. Megumi is kinda just obvious. The way he almost yells at Gojo for putting Yuji in the room next to him always bothered me. I mean why the hell would it annoy him so much? If Yuji wanted to hang out with him then he’d visit him regardless of where his room is. But Megumi was so against it, I think because he just isolates himself, and if no one is around, he can let out his emotions, which also adds to the self-harm thing.

7. Procrastination -> Yuji, Nobara

I don’t really have an in-depth hc about Yuji on this, he just gives me those kinda lazy procrastinating vibes. Same with Nobara. Out of all of them, these two just strike me as the procrastinating bunch.

8. Overworking -> Nanami, Megumi, maybe Satoru

We all know he hates overtime, but that wouldn’t stop him from overworking himself if there’s something he cannot healthily deal with. We all saw the bags under his eyes when he worked in the office as a salaryman. We all know that’s his go-to unhealthy coping mechanism. Megumi strikes me as the same. I feel that if he doesn’t isolate himself or harm himself, then he will train and overwork himself until exhaustion. Which would lead him to talk bad to himself because he wouldn’t meet some personal goal. Satoru is in there because just like Megumi I have the thought that he would overwork himself with training too much until he’s on the brink of exhaustion. He would never touch paperwork, but training-wise, he’d overwork himself. Also when he was a teenager and was sent out on all those missions alone. He’s the strongest even then, he had the chance to say no, but he said yes cause he overworked himself to deal with Amanai and what happened.

9. Aggression -> Satoru

I wasn’t too sure about it, but I keep remembering the feral Gojo episode and how he obliterated Hanami with sheer cursed energy. His personality changed so drastically in that episode and I feel it showed some of his true colors, not because that’s how he truly is, but because it was an outlet for him to get rid of his anger, frustration, and irritation. He strikes me as someone who, especially when fighting curses, would 100% let out all his buried anger. After Amanai he would let out all his anger and frustration during missions, often causing more damage than necessary while exorcising curses. After Suguru, it was the same thing. Even when told about Suguru’s crimes Satoru was so angry that he balled his fist until he bled.

10. Excessive screen time -> Yuji

This one is definitely Yuji, I mean he loves films and that’s also partly into the procrastination part. If he’s stressed, I feel, he would just put on some movies or binge a TV show just to get himself distraction and stop thinking about something. Partly also think of Satoru for that one.

~ Nanami Flowershop Anon

NONNIE THIS IS TOO GOOOD YOU HAVE GOTTA GET BACK INTO WRITING FULL TIME DUDE !!!! perfect evaluations. heartbreaking, but perfect. i'm blessed to have em in my inbox fr but pls if you ever write more stuff like this i'd love to see you posting and earning a following for it!! you deserve the notes !!

[land-of-classpects-and-analysis]

Who is the Prince of Blood

The mortifying idea of being known. A common thread of anxiety that runs through so, so many people. The sense of being “known”,though, is such a broad way to put it. Especially because, for certain people, there are specific ways they may fear being known.

The fear of being vulnerable or open. That is what so many Princes of Blood struggle with, as many Princes do in general. For the Prince of Blood, though, the idea of coming out from their shell is a mortifying thought. The idea of letting others into their abode and mingle with their boundaries.

This is because the Prince of Blood has been shown, time and time again, that opening up leads to nothing good. That there is no real prize in showing your true colors to others. There is nothing good to be gotten from being yourself. All you get from being known, vulnerable, and open is hurt.

What does the Prince of Blood do/struggle with?

There are numerous things that the Prince of Blood struggles with. Of course, this shouldn’t be a surprising thing to hear about any Prince. They are ones who face some of the greatest struggles compared to other Classes. For the Prince of Blood, their struggles - born from and combined with their Aspect - are ones that affect both the Prince themself, as well as those around them.

Obviously, the biggest struggle with the Prince, in a broad stroke, is that relationships are very, very hard for them. However, it is the cause of this relationship-based strife that defines the Prince of Blood. As hinted at before, the Prince of Blood is someone who has seen what happens when you open yourself up to others. When you open the doors and windows to your home, leave them all unlocked, and speak with others.

When you fail to keep people less than arm's length away.

The Prince of Blood has seen the hardships and depressive trends that can occur in any type of relationship. People who the Prince may once have cared for have more than certainly been hurt, perhaps even badly, by being in these relationships. It’s not that the Prince of Blood blames these people for the harm they’ve experienced, it’s just that they don’t want to even risk experiencing first hand for themselves.

Where does the Prince of Blood fit in the world?

The Prince of Blood is quite the anomaly when it comes to their place in the world. They are a loner, but they attract so many people to them. They want to hold and be held, in any which way, but put themself upon a pedestal above everyone else. They want to be a healer, but the only way they know how is one of fiery destruction.

It’s not that the Prince of Blood doesn’t have any friends. They must certainly have people that view them as a friend, a companion, and perhaps something else of affection. Whether the Prince of Blood will ever openly reciprocate such sentiments, though, is not something anyone should hold their breath on.

Ultimately, the Prince of Blood will reject their Aspect all that they can. They will scoff at any attempts at bonding and comradery. They will often make excuses for avoiding such occasions. The biggest one of all, though, is that they’ll insist upon being a Leader of the group. Leaders, they will insist, much not become too attached to their followers.

You never know when one of them will fall off of the wagon. Sometimes, it’s best to never really notice at all. Instead, it’s better to keep trekking ahead, never looking back to see who is still holding your hand. It’s easier to pretend it doesn’t hurt when it happens.

Yet, even then, they notice. Every last one they have lost, they notice, and it deepens their rejection and fear of it even more. They are a leader, but only out of fear and desperation for an alternative. They are a leader, but only to their own self-assured destruction.

[lunarscaled]

so i stop writing paragraphs of text in Turbo's DMs I'm gonna unload info here re: Lyric + children / child birth cw for pregnancy, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, discussions of post-partum, etc

Lyric is actually very good with kids despite what they think. Lyric's assumption that they are not a good influence around children and a poor caretaker is directly from their own struggle and lack of energy to care for themselves; their biggest concern is they wouldn't be able to maintain a standard of care that a child deserves, especially since their life has been particularly rocky. That doesn't mean they're mean to children or push them away or anything---Lyric tries to be very levelheaded around kids and give them room to make mistakes and learn. They weren't normally offered that as a child, so they try to give it now. They're very compassionate especially for children clearly struggling; they are empathetic to ones who have lost family or parents and try to support them. Garret, Abel, and the Circus were a large makeshift family of people who often had estranged or lost family members, and they put value in forming family out of the people who cared for them and not people related by blood, so that ideal is also instilled in Lyric.

when it comes to HAVING children, I've discussed before how 1) egg laying Dragons in Lyric's lore have low fertility rates as a species whole, which is why they started crossbreeding in the first place 2) Lyric is obviously young and wouldn't ever seriously consider children until they're older.

As far as Lyric getting pregnant is concerned, it is hard for them, statistically. They personally aren't bothered by that, but it's possible a partner may be; it also doesn't mean they're 100% guaranteed to NOT get pregnant, so using protection is still very important. If / When Lyric gets pregnant, as long as it is any period outside of their Nesting ( a two week period in late November / December when their species would be preparing courting couples and laying eggs ), it's basically a standard human pregnancy.

Lyric's symptoms are very heavy, though, especially symptoms like nausea and fatigue. They're much more depressed and emotional, which is compounded by their deep-set unease and disgust with the physical changes of their body that naturally happen when someone is pregnant. They hate being unable to do anything or lift anything; they feel worse the less they can do. They hate people wanting to touch their belly or talking about pregnancy glows or discussing the birth or how their tastebuds are all fucked up and some things smell awful and taste awful now. They don't like the baby kicking. when Lyric does have the baby, they have severe postpartum depression. Realistically, Lyric would be unable to care for their child for as long as the first year. They would rely HEAVILY on the Guild and its members ( who would willingly do so. Garrett and Abel have helped with plenty of kids before ) as well as their partner, because otherwise they couldn't keep it. Lyric is likely to self-harm, either by injuring themselves or by doing things like refusing to eat or care for their body. They cry a lot. They isolate a lot. They feel deeply dysphoric in their own body in a way they didn't before, and it takes a long time before they can calm down and approach even their own child safely.

If Lyric becomes pregnant while Nesting, rather than a standard human pregnancy, after about a month and a half they'll lay an egg! It will be roughly the same size as a child, and it's not any less painful or hard to do, but the majority of the child's growth is in the egg and outside of their body. Lyric will spend roughly until mid Spring incubating and nesting with the egg ( possibly two eggs! ), and because the baby will hatch in a state able to consume solid food, Lyric's body does not go through standard human pregnancy changes. That makes the whole ordeal infinitely easier on them, because they do not experience the gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia human pregnancy causes them; they're still able to work and do things normally when they are taking breaks from their nest, they do not rely on a partner after the hatchling is born (as Lyric's species is only together for the incubation period.) An eggnant Lyric will require a number of dietary restrictions to support their body, like a lot of calcium from cuttle bone, and meats and organs that support the necessary chemicals to properly grow the egg and the fetus. They'll need fresh supplies of snow and ice to maintain the temperature of their nest and routinely add and remove old and fresh snow from it. They spend a lot of time guarding their space as they would from predators who eat eggs or other dragons. Their body may express more draconic features in this period to make caring and laying their egg easier, but likely will return to normal after a year.

Having a kid is still insanely scary for them, and Lyric doubts their general ability to be a good parent, but re: methods of conception it is infinitely easier for them to have an egg than have a baby. they're still not aiming to be a milf though---Lyric would likely only ever have 2 children maximum in their whole life. They find child care to be stressful and only consider it at the interest of a partner. ( do not listen to the Nesting behavior, it is instinct and not the truth. no matter how cute and breedable they are, they will beat your ass later. )

[escapadeist]

palm tree 🌴

nutmeg

ivy

and chia 🩵🩷🩵🩷🩷

get to answering lol

Ayee there's my fren...

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Damn, ik they're morally gray characters n very popular or infamous choices for such questions, but Snape n Draco, i don't usually like characters that act out the way they do because of whatever negative experiences they've been through, because you always have a choice to not bleed on those who haven't hurt you, but anyhow, i think that their backstories and everything that they do based on them, doesn't make me love em exactly but appreciate them a lil more than others ig. Also, just a blanket answer will be all those side characters in movies or TV shows, that are not exactly villains but are villainized by others on the show or they and their struggles are hidden from the spotlight because they aren't as quirky or likeable as the main character's problems, just makes me love them even more! Also, might be a bias cause i identify as a side character..

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

My room, oh the tragedy, i wanted it to be a subtle dull-ish green, or teal kinda maybe, but it turned out this bonkers paint that i hate now, but anyway, i try to work with it. There's no theme, because i didn't have a room of my own until i was way older and then the prospect of me leaving my parents' home made me think, why even bother decorating.. but yes, as of now, it's just a place i occassionally occupy n has my pride n joy, my bookshelf n my canvases on it and i am a neat freak so i like to organize stuff but ever since my seemingly never ending exams have started n my life decided to go to shit simultaneously, i haven't gotten the chance to clean n organize, but soon i will n it will feel better. (It being me, n also, a bit, the room ig? haha)

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Ukw, funnily enough, i don't have a lot of 'tells' especially when I'm sad because i self-isolate, (ik toxic trait, but i feel like i don't wanna burden people with my sadness) so yeah that... But i am quiet mostly when sad n when i feel joyous, i think i hum n sing quite a lot, n take interest in my hobbies again n dance somewhat, but hey that could also be because I'm depressed but I wanna distract myself or procrastinate dealing with it so I just do the happy stuff, fake it till u make it or die amirite? For anger tho, i recently found out, i can't express it healthily, *pause for gasp* n end up screaming, crying (which i hate!!!! Crying when you're angry is horrible!!!!) n actually have very bad symptoms like a racing heartbeat n shortness of breath n have thrown up too, God, I'm oversharing! But yeah, might as well drag the cat that's outta the bag now... (Sorry, no, i still love cats, LIKE A LOT!, Please apologise to your cats, i didn't mean any harm to them)

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

Ok so this is actually a very geographical joke (The Office reference, the kind of jokes u have to "be there for" hehe) so as i said i have my exams going on rn, n in this one subject we had to study about what makes an entrepreneur... And idk if it was a typo in the notes that we were provided with or what, although i wouldn't put my uni past that, but apparently one of the reasons one can be held back from being an entrepreneur is "not being able to have dreams", now ik they must've meant dreams as in a vision or high ambitions or something... But when me n my friend read it, we just imagined this one person going to sleep every night n waking up disappointed like "Dammit! I was so tired, i straight up went to sleep n i didn't even have a dream! This is why mom was right, i will never amount to anything because i don't see any dreams.." now they didn't even bother to specify what kinda dreams, so it can range from nightmares to fantasies or wet dreams for all we care, but ever since then, whenever there's a problem n we can't find a solution, me n my friend say to each other, "Oh well, this is because we never have dreams man! We can never think outside the box for creative solutions to anything, because we sleep too soundly n dreamlessly"

Ik it's a very, very stupidly silly joke but it gets us cracking each time so ig it works out for us atleast lol..

Wow, these were fun to answer!

Would love more asks people!

N if u reblog the OG post I'd love to fill up your ask box too...

Also, love ya n thank u sooo much for sending this love ❤️✨

[mental-health-advice]

TW for several things. I am an alcoholic and most of the time I don’t care that I am. I like getting drunk. I believe there’s a spectrum of addictive people but I’ve never felt guilty for my coping mechanisms. It started with eating disorders that’s how I coped with life, then I cut, and now alcohol. I don’t feel ashamed of these things, I like them. I’ve managed to cut out ED and self harm but not alcohol it makes me feel so carefree and happy when the rest of my life has felt like shit. I haven’t been happy in a long time and my coping mechanisms as toxic as they are, help, so I love them for that. Since 14 (I’m now 25) I haven’t gone an extended time without a toxic coping mechanism unless you count when I was with my ex who I still love and felt a purpose with. I don’t really have friends, I work and drink, I love my cats and family but it doesn’t feel like enough to care. I want to be special to someone who isn’t family. Idk I just don’t know what to do. I know my drinking has gotten to worrying proportions but I just don’t care because I can still function to do what is required of me. I’m scared because I don’t want to stop because I can trust alcohol to not let me down unlike so many things in life, and honestly after having depression, PTSD from multiple things, anxiety, and secretly being queer in a super conservative family, as well as being poor and disabled, I feel like I deserve an unhealthy coping mechanism. Before you ask yes I’m on meds and have a therapist I love but she’s so good and sweet and I don’t want to disappoint her but telling her the truth. This was a huge word vomit because I just feel awful and I want to stop being so angry at myself but idk how to do that without giving up my addiction.

Hey there,

It can be so hard when we despise ourselves so much that we feel as though we need an addiction to help us through life. I know it’s hard but I would encourage you to speak to your therapist about this, the likelihood of her being disappointed in you is very low (like 1%) as her job is to help you and support you no matter what you may be going through or experiencing right now.

I too have had/ still have sometimes the same self-destructive coping mechanisms as you and I won’t lie, yes it is hard to stop and it is especially hard to say goodbye to the drinking but if this is what you truly want then it is possible to stop. I do still struggle with relapses every now and again and especially when I face huge life stressors or just miss that high, but with the support around you it is possible to limit the alcohol usage if this is what you want. Another thing I want to quickly mention about talking to your therapist is that she won’t make you stop drinking or taking away any of your ‘coping strategies’ as this is only something you can decide to do, but she can help to support you through the process no matter what you decide to do!

Despite having your family and your cats, it sounds to me that you need something else to help to fulfill your life. So in saying this, do you have any interests in life, anything that you can work towards doing that may help to give your life some meaning again? I know that your ex was really helpful for you but unfortunately, we cannot always depend on others to help us with what we are going through/ experiences. Yes they can definitely be of some help definitely but in the end in life there is only you who can make the big decisions and finding the will to keep going no matter how that may look like for you!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren  

[angstmonsterwrites]

While the internet has perhaps allowed for far greater accessibility to psychology and mental health literature, studies, and communities than there once was, something that really depresses the living shit out of me has been watching models and theories that were meant to have plenty of nuanced "YMMV" wiggle room be watered down via social media into vapid, harmful narratives and stereotypes.

Oh, what's that? You were raised in a narcissistic/alcoholic family and you weren't the Scapegoat? You were the Golden Child/Hero?! Well then, be prepared to be told there's no way you could turn out to be anything but a narcissistic shill for your toxic parents, and how you must be 100% too myopic and perversely spoiled to see the dysfunction. Also, you probably participated in the blame and abuse of your Scapegoat sibling.

Except...maybe none of that is true. Maybe due to good education and other helpful influences outside of the immediate family structure, you began to wake up and smell the bullshit pretty quick. Maybe you realized well before adulthood that you were being used and dehumanized into little more than a, "Look What I Created " human trophy for the narcissistic parent. You realized they didn't care about you so much as what you could do for them--especially put on that mandatory false front of functionality; to perform so much wellness you didn't truly feel. Maybe when shit got really bad, you began to defend that Scapegoat sibling quite passionately, regardless of the consequences. Maybe as an adult you were actually the first to determine the narcissistic parent to be a fucking intolerable, irredeemable monster and cut contact.

And now, maybe you have your own set of traumas and troubles from all that bullshit, but when you go looking for literature or studies, you find that so, so, so much of it--even the best quality and most up to date stuff-- just... isn't about someone like you. It's ALL about the Scapegoats; all about people who desperately need help internalizing the reality that they're not "bad" and that they deserve an ounce of fucking decency from others. You have to do your best to try to glean from the anemic edges of those resources. And it's not that they have so many resources that's the problem--it's that you have scant few. It's that even some dyed-in-the-wool experts struggle to say you could have possibly been abused or traumatized because what should have been a loose model of dysfunction is now treated by too many as a set of hard and fast rules.

You desperately wish someone could help you untangle how not to feel completely grossed out, dismissed, or like a helpless kid again when someone tells you, "I'm proud of you," because of how often that expression was used as a manipulative veiled threat or statement of ownership over your self and all you might accomplish. You need help regaining and feeling truly secure in your autonomy. You need to be seen, in a subtle yet privacy-respecting way that takes great care not to put you through the ringer of feeling like a display piece again. You wish that you didn't so often feel compelled to set yourself aside, self isolate, or constantly offer ways you might be wrong about this or that as proof that you weren't that atrocious Golden Child stereotype of a 'narcissist in training'.

Meanwhile, the prevailing narrative around that particular dysfunctional family role continues to pile your parents' sins at your feet as if you yourself were just a 3rd bad parent, rather than the abused, used, parentified, and often terrified child you were.

And it makes attempting to recover from it trying and so very lonely.

But hey. Who am I to say? Maybe I and others like me are just "the wrong kind" of survivor.

[elysian18]

Body image struggle

Sometimes we get very self conscious of our bodies. As someone who has an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, I know I definitely struggle with confidence. Some days I feel worse than others and other days I am okay with myself. It's so sad that young beautiful girls feel so bad about how they look, whether that be too skinny, too big, too short, too tall, or they just hate different features that they have. These days it's getting to a point where most girls will experience this at least once while they are in school. I mean that's when I developed my eating disorder. I’ve always been on the bigger side, and I stopped growing in 3rd grade because my pituitary gland decided it didn't want to tell my body to produce growth hormone anymore. I started growing out more then up. I was bullied for being short and chubby, and after a while, I started to notice how the other girls looked. They were developing in the chest, having growth spurts, getting their periods, etc. I didn't understand why it wasn't happening to me. I especially started to notice when boys didn't like me the same way they liked other girls. It didn't really start getting bad until high school though. Junior year was really difficult, I was struggling with depression, forcing myself not to eat, participating in self-harm, and was bulimic. I was a such a low point, and then my parents found out about everything. I was sent to a psychiatrist and I started to feel better. I still felt really bad about my body but I knew I couldn't go back to my old ways, so I didn’t. I changed my perspective. I started eating better, working out, and taking care of myself. I can honestly say that I had never felt better, I was happier, healthier, and felt stronger. To this day I still try my best to be healthy. I still feel bad every once in a while until I remember everything I went through to get to this point. 

So if you are struggling just like I did remember this, I know it seems so dark right now, like you arn’t ever going to get out but trust me, you will. You are so much stronger than you think and if you need it, don't be afraid to ask for help. Let me know if you have any questions, I would be more than happy to talk to anyone that wants or needs to. 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕠 𝕓𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕗𝕦𝕝, 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦!!!

❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍