#Dysthymic

[canisalbus]

Would like to add my voice to the chorus of praises Machete has gotten, he's visually impeccable & his lore is extraordinarily rich! Loving everything you have put out so far & all the fanart it has generated <3

Aw jeez, thank you so much! You're too kind ;_;

[existencebringsonlypain]

hey Google how to cope with realizing you have higher support needs than you thought

[salsedine]

You know, chatting with your therapist about your issues and potential diagnosis is a thing - but seeing everything actually written on paper is another thing entirely.

[mikkeneko]

Ah lads it’s the sorrows again

[sapphia]

[slimywren]

i love my therapist “why do you think you struggle to feel happiness?” ma’am i have can’t feel happiness disease

[girlwithnoface]

looking at my medical charts from the past 10 years and finding a strange diagnosis and it turns out they just wanted a new word for depression

[milly0309]

Commission done by MIAU (_miau@plurk).

Been obsessed with my RT and her interrogator since I got my hands on this game. My dysthymic disorder has largely improved ever since. The magic of pixel boyfriends I suppose?

[scarletskiesinthepaths]

Levi, Emotional Expression, and Social Interaction

I've seen different posts on Levi lately across different platforms that claim he is a cruel or mean person, which are fundamental misunderstandings of his character. I sort of see the problem as people mistaking Levi's emotional expressions (or lack thereof) as indicative of malicious intent or rude behavior. As such, I wanted to discuss how Levi's history and trauma have shaped how he expresses himself and relates to others. Once one has an understanding of that, it becomes evident that Levi's expressions should not be used to judge his intentions or feelings.

I wrote another post on how Levi fully meets the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) on my main blog, and that diagnosis is important for understanding Levi as a character, as he's someone who's been largely affected by his trauma. To further expand on that post, we're going to discuss both Levi's affect and his ways of socially interacting with others, using concepts such as social modeling and self-monitoring.

What is Emotional Affect?

Affect, in psychology, refers to a patient's expression of emotion. Expression of emotion encompasses facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice, etc. Mood, on the other hand, refers to the internal state of a patient's emotions sustained over a period of time. Affect helps us interpret a person's mood; however, there are such situations where affect can be considered inappropriate—that is, the person's affect is not entirely congruent (i.e., consistent) with the person's present mood and/or situation. A classic example of inappropriate affect would be laughing at a funeral, as that is incongruent with the context of the situation. Another example—a patient who is smiling and laughing after being involuntarily committed is considered to have an inappropriately euphoric affect.

Affect can be described across multiple dimensions, but the two most typically used are the quality of affect and the range of affect. Quality of affect is typically categorized as either euthymic (normal), dysthymic (depression, anxiety, guilt), or euphoric (an abnormally elevated sense of well-being, such as in mania). The range of affect can be labeled as labile, broad, restricted, blunted, or flat. Broad is considered the normal range of affect.

For the purposes of conciseness, we're going to focus on blunted and flat affects, as those are the range of affects that are best suited to describing Levi. Flat affect is when there is no variation in the patient's emotional expressions, regardless of their mood and situation. Blunted affect is similar, but it is a bit less severe—it means minimal variation. Practically, what do these mean?

Levi's Affect

When Kenny first finds Levi as a child, Levi is in a severe state of neglect; he is dying of starvation, he is wearing rags, his hair is unkempt, and he is sitting in the same room as his mother's decaying corpse. A typical child in this developmental range would be in extreme distress: crying, expressing fear, pleading for help, etc. However, Levi shows no such displays of emotions; he does not cry, he does not move, and he barely speaks. In fact, there is absolutely zero emotional expression, and there is no indicator he is upset about his situation (even as it is clear he must be). This is flat affect. Even in the short montage we see after Kenny has taken Levi under his "care", Levi never once shows variation in his emotional expression—no anger, no laugher, nothing.

Once Levi is an adult during the present timeline in the series, Levi exceedingly rarely displays his emotions. He often speaks in monotone, minimally varying the tone or volume of his voice—never yelling as well, even when angry. His smiles are so rare that it's a notable moment when he does smile (such as when Historia punched him at end of the "Royal Government" arc), and he never cries even after significant personal losses (except his one tear at the end of the series). His affect as an adult ranges from flat to blunted. This is significant too because we do know that his mood does vary, as it's clear from his verbal and body language the toll that different events take on him, and he does also display a sense of humor across the series. Again, though, his emotional expression does little to reflect how he's feeling.

What Causes Flat Affect?

To give a quick list of the most common causes:

Schizophrenia and other psychotic-spectrum disorders

Brain damage, such as from organic brain pathology or a traumatic brain injury

Neurodevelopmental disorders, such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD)

Severe psychological trauma, typically resulting in post-traumatic stress disorder

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

I will say outright that there is no evidence Levi suffers from schizophrenia, and thus, that is unlikely to be the cause of his flat/blunted affect, especially given the onset of Levi's flat affect and the exceeding rarity of childhood-onset schizophrenia. Similar reasoning applies to brain damage, so both of those can be excluded from the differential.

I do believe Levi meets the criteria for MDD in adulthood; however, that would be more so a comorbidity of his existing PTSD. Levi looked to be around 4-6 years of age at the start of Kenny's flashbacks, and MDD in that age group is quite uncommon, even when accounting for childhood-onset and adolescent-onset depression.

This leaves us with both severe psychological trauma and ASD as the two most likely causes of Levi's flat affect as a child and through adulthood. ASD can be a valid interpretation of Levi's significantly reduced affect display during childhood, as well as his consistent social difficulties throughout all of canon. Based on criteria laid out by the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), Levi can be seen as having ASD (which I'll likely make a future post on). However, the presence of severe psychological trauma confounds this diagnosis. Despite this confounding diagnosis, it is still possible he has both PTSD and ASD.

Regardless, the most likely explanation for Levi's range of affect remains severe psychological trauma. In a child that young, something had to have gone extremely wrong in his early upbringing for his significantly reduced affect display. An entire separate post can be written on this topic, but Levi demonstrates clear signs of an insecure attachment style by the time he's discovered by Kenny; this indicates that Kuchel, despite having loved Levi, was simply unable to properly care for him, and this resulted in deep and ingrained psychological trauma that affected Levi's ability to socially relate and interact with others for the rest of his life. I intend on going into more detail in a separate post, but Levi's attachment style is likely insecure-avoidant or insecure-disorganized.

Observational Learning and Social Modeling

Albert Bandura's social learning theory posits that children learn through a combination of traditional behaviorist processes (classical and operant conditioning), cognitive processes, in addition to observation and modeling. In reference to Levi, observational learning is the most salient aspect of this theory.

In simple terms, observational learning refers to the way children observe the people around them. Individuals observed are referred to as models. Models can include, but are not limited to, parents/caregivers, TV characters, school teachers, and friends within a peer group. Basically, children pay attention to these models and encode their behavior into their memory. At a later time, this behavior is then imitated. This is referred to as "social modeling".

Who were Levi's models? Kuchel, Kuchel's patrons at the brothel she worked at, Kenny, and others who lived in or frequented the Underground City.

Given Kuchel's circumstances and the danger of human trafficking in the Underground, it is likely she taught Levi to avoid interacting with anyone in order to ensure his safety. Kuchel's patrons, in all likelihood, abused her and Levi was most assuredly witness to this abuse or the effects of it in some way. Then, Kenny—Levi's most significant parental figure—was a prominent serial killer who displayed and actively taught Levi violence.

All of this points to Levi never having had the opportunity to learn proper social interaction. In fact, he was actively taught inappropriate and unhealthy ways to socially interact. Not only was Levi's emotional development stunted and severely impacted as shown through his lack of affect, but his ability to socially interact and relate to others was inhibited due to both his insecure attachment and the absence of appropriate social models. How does this manifest in Levi?

Self-Monitoring

Self-monitoring is the degree to which people monitor and adjust their self-presentations when interacting with others and across different social contexts. Whether someone is a high or low self monitor can be affected by their natural personality, their experiences growing up, and/or their neuropsychobiology.

High self monitors tend to be actively aware of the social image they are projecting, and they will be adept at responding to social cues. They will also vary the image they project dependent upon who they are interacting with and what the social circumstances are. They have greater concern over situational appropriateness, and they are often perceived as more friendly and pleasant by others.

In contrast, low self monitors tend to exhibit emotional expressiveness and social responses more congruent with their internal states regardless of social context. That is, they do not adjust their beliefs, attitudes, and dispositions to be more socially acceptable. As such, they are often perceived as rude, socially awkward, and/or unaware of others' social needs.

Levi is a low self monitor. Regardless of who he is interacting with or what the situation is, he consistently maintains the same attitudes and beliefs; he is always honest and says what he's feeling. He never adjusts his social tone, even when it would make him more appeasing to others. Throughout the series, he's often referred to as rude, socially awkward, a lunatic, etc. for his inability to self-monitor. This is a likely a result of the aforementioned psychological trauma, his lack of appropriate social models, his innate introverted nature, and his potential ASD.

Summary

My goal with this post was to explain how Levi's trauma and experiences growing up have formed the way he expresses himself and interacts with others. Levi never sets out to be seen as rude, unkind, or cruel. In fact, I'd say he is by far the kindest and most compassionate character in all of Attack on Titan. However, because of his social disposition, he is consistently misperceived by both characters in the series, as well as readers/viewers. Levi, through a combination of his innate nature and the environment in which he grew up, simply lacks the social skills and affinity for social interaction to properly explain himself and come across as more palatable to others.

Note: I am a doctor of psychology student, so much of this information has been informed by my schooling.

[helpmeimblorboing]

Worldbuilding is such an adventure, because some days you’re just going on a metaphorical joyride, figuring out what powers the servants of the divine should have, and the incidents that are going to litter the backdrop of your story

And some days (cough, cough, today) you’re coming up with an intricate history for the religious cults of your story’s gods, including Bibles, “Footprints in the Sand”-esque poetry, and late 18th century theological schisms between factions

That’s not even scratching the surface on the absolute bullshit that is POLITICS, ESPECIALLY the Panopticon’s. You know, you’d think that the cult started by a Queen and dedicated to Control would be the one closest to the monarchy, wouldn’t you ?

But no !! It’s the Panopticon that’s acknowledged as practically an official branch of the Crown. Because as it turns out, monarchs value espionage over control

(FYI, there are three cults dedicated to Dysthymia, the God of the Mind in my story. There are more, but this story only involves those three

The first are the Wingweavers, who are led by the Priestess Emerit, and serve her aspect of Control. Created by Queen Elizabeth the First of the Tudor dynasty, who actually served as its first Emerit, the Wingweavers are a cult designed to hem in the public and drum up support for authority figures. Basically, they’re the Catholic-Church-equivalents

The second are the Church of the Everblind, who are led by the Amatios Ypiretis, and serve the Dysthymic aspect of Ignorance. Venerating ignorance, blindness, and simplicity, this cult was founded by an unknown group during the time of the Byzantine Empire, and really picked up steam after the First World War

The third are the Panopticon, who are led by the Dominus Oculus, and serve the aspect of Perception. Worshipping knowledge and the collection of data for its own sake, the Panopticon has existed since the times of the late Roman Empire, started by Emperor Octavian, though it wasn’t called the Panopticon then

Anyways, not much literature has been written on the cults, due to the critical failure of the book Blood-soaked Cross, by American author John Dennings, whose brother had been indoctrinated into the Wingweavers at the time. Scathing and critical, the book derides the Wingweavers as a heretical offshoot of Christianity, something that turned the Holy Trinity into a trifold pantheon of pagan gods

The Priestess Emerit, furious, immediately had him killed. No one really had the guts to comment on the cults after that

No one that is, until the philosopher John Frances took a crack at it in 1746, coming out with the polarising text known only as A Theory of the Divine, which posits that the cults of the Trifold Gods actually all worship Dysthymia, positioning her as a supreme ruler god, and the other two as subservient to her

Predictably, Frances was soon indoctrinated into the Panopticon, and soon rose through its ranks to become the Dominus Oculus, eventually authoring “The Seven Eyes”, an internal-use piece of religious propaganda used to proselytise the teachings of the Panopticon

Meanwhile, sometime in 1547, the Wingweavers had gotten their own holy text, called the Book of Light. Written by an unknown author, the Book quickly became the foundation of the Wingweaver’s newfound pivot into evangelism, with one of its excerpts being quoted at nearly every sermon held by the Priestess Emerit, “And Lo !! This the shepherd turned their gazes to the sky, for the star had burned its place in the dark, so bright and true that it seemed like dawn had broken. And the ten burning wings of the Administrator, she the Highest of the High, Lady Dysthymia, burned themselves forever into their vision, leaving behind a shadow of their shape, their mark forever silhouetted against the shepherd’s eyes”

Another text published by the Wingweavers is the famous poem “Eyes Over Yonder” by the Priestess Emerit in 1789, a woman named Mary Yoseph. It goes something like so “

And the blind woman asked the prophet,

What truth will reveal itself to one who cannae so much as see a lie ?

And the prophet answered,

O ye of little faith, such truth that need be seen is no truth, and such faith that need be tested is no faith

For fear not, O Child of the Light, for though thy eyes be dark, tis for greater still

To forbid the distractions of the world, to serve her great will

And though the Truth to you may be dark

The Eyes of the Lord see through you, for you, now and forever

For there is no sight sharper than the Sight of the Lady

And the Eyes Over Yonder”

This text is absurdly popular, fuelling a number of pamphlets, sermons, speeches and novellas put out by the leadership of the Wingweavers, meant to show that the true purpose of existence is to surrender your senses and lives to Dysthymia

The Church of the Everblind, however, took offence to the repeated mentions of “eyes” and “sight”, and soon, in response, they published their own poem, against the very doctrines of their church

They called it the Sight Unseen, written by the Amatios Ypiretis of the Church of the Everblind in the year 1795, Jacob Fellhaven, and it went as follows

“What use have the world of eyes, when sight be of human make ?

What use have faith of sight, when sight only faith break ?

The light that burns, misguides and lies

To what end shall the Lady be attributed to it in which faith dies

For endless pours the immortal drink from the pall of stormy skies

Writ in the dark smoke and the light’s legion lies

The light is a cruel thing and deceiving without end

But the dark is simple, true. The dark is your friend

The dark is your prophet, the dark is your sermon.

The Sight Unseen is your goal, and the Lady Dysthymia your patron.

For what use have we of eyes, of knowledge and words and tongue

When we are all from the Lady’s ten wings hung

For Children of the Dark are we and to Dark we must return

No matter how many times the Light stakes its turn”

It’s noted that in the prelude to the Sight Unseen, Fellhaven refers to the Wingweavers as the “twisted iron-fist pariahs who have decayed the word of our Lord to something unrecognisable”, adding that they should be “seen as the sinners they are, for the Devil hides amidst the flock of the Lady”

In response, Yoseph published a lengthy doctrine decrying the poem as “foolish, anti-intellectualist, reductive drivel designed to drive people away from the Light of our Lord”, referring to him as “the Golden Sheep of Baal” and “a blind old man preaching stupidity and occultism”

It’s noted that in present day, evangelicals of the Wingweavers often give out excerpts from the Book of Light on the street, on like tiny little slips of paper. In addition, some of the older Wingweaver-aligned families, like the Robinsons, who are actually descended from the 1963 Priestess Emerit, Josephine Robinson, carry their own copies of the Book of Light, leather-bound and embossed with the golden symbol of the Wingweavers, a ring with ten wings sprouting from it, five on each side, and an eye in the centre

There also exists an annotated, illustrated “children’s edition of the Book of Light”, with Eyes Over Yonder written on the inside of its back cover, along with a tiny little drawing of the unnamed prophet blessing a blind old woman. It’s quite cute, if mildly distressing”)

[actual-changeling]

Aziraphale Does NOT Have Depression

or: Please Have a Look at the ICD

or: This Word Does Not Mean What You Think It Does

I cannot believe I even have to make this post, but here we are. Hi. Hello guys. Maybe I should start a series called "Alex fact-checks meta posts" because I have seen things that should have never been written.

A small excursion before we start: The way things usually work in academic circles is that the person making the claim needs to provide proof for said claim, which is then peer-reviewed by unrelated academic parties. That involves not only making sure that the results they are basing their claim on are replicable—meaning that if someone else were to do the same work, they would receive the same result—but also that their methods were ethical and functional.

If it turns out that their methods or any other part of the process are not replicable, functional, or otherwise waterproof, then the paper is marked as not being correct and that it should be disregarded.

While this is far from academic circles, these rules still apply to any kind of conversation or discussion, especially that last part:

If you make a claim, back it up, or it should be disregarded.

With that, welcome to the peer-review of "Aziraphale has depression" claims. Obligatory note that this is not about fanfiction or headcanons but people claiming that Aziraphale canonically has depression.

You may sit in front of your screen and think Alex, why do you think you can write this post? To which I happily respond that not only am I professionally diagnosed with both Dysthymia and Recurrent Depressive Disorder, I have also a) done my research offline with psychiatrists and psychologists and b) know how to read academic literature because my degree very much requires me to be able to do so.

If you want to go and fact-check what I am about to present—which you are explicitly invited to do in case you want to publicly disagree with me—you can find the entirety of the ICD 11 right here.

No paywall, completely free access.

For those who have never heard of it, ICD stands for "International Classification of Diseases", which is by now on its 11th version and written and maintained by the WHO/World Health Organization. It contains all kinds of relevant information, like diagnostic criteria, about all diseases. As you can see, this includes mental disorders and illnesses:

Let's get into it!

First things first, there is no such thing as "depression", that term is a colloquial reduction of a number of different disorders categorized under Mood Disorders -> Depressive Disorders. Said category also contains any and all diagnoses related to Bipolar Disorders.

"Depression" is nondescript, loose, and can mean a long list of things, and social media has diluted and romanticized its meaning. For the purpose of this post, we will have a look at the criteria for three diagnoses:

Dysthymic disorder (shortened here to dysthymia)

Single episode depressive disorder, mild ( // to single episode)

Recurrent depressive disorder, current episode mild ( // recurrent)

I assume people mean a crude mix of these when they say "depression". Both recurrent and single episode can be diagnosed with dysthymia, but they cannot be diagnosed with each other. Recurrent automatically excludes single episode as a diagnosis, which I think is obvious if you think about it.

Before we look at the symptoms themselves, here is something very important to keep in mind about diagnoses: There are two requirements that pretty much every listed disorder and illness in the ICD has.

The first is that the symptoms are not related to something else—whether that's another mental disorder, a physical illness, or simply a cultural influence. It needs to be clear that they are due to something outside of what is already known and not circumstantial.

The second one is that the present symptoms are causing significant distress and impair a person's functioning in at least two different areas of life.

Or, to put it bluntly, a disorder needs to be disordering or it isn't one.

Additionally, the severity of the displayed symptoms needs to be taken into account. If several of them are not causing any negative impact on someone's life, they are not symptoms and cannot be counted.

Now, I will very much reduce the information the ICD provides us with or we will be here forever, but it is all correct and not partial in its meaning. To keep everything neat and tidy, I created a nice, colour-coded table:

If you disagree with what I marked for Aziraphale, great, please provide me with textual evidence of where exactly he exhibits each criteria, that it is not related to periodical stress or something else, and cannot be attributed to exceptional circumstances (like the end of the world).

The ONLY symptom we ever see Aziraphale consistently show throughout all six thousand thousand years is the one marked in yellow: low self-worth or excessive or inappropriate guilt.

However, if you paid attention to what I explained above, you will notice why this is in no way indicative of a depressive disorder.

Not only is it one symptom out of several required ones, it can also be explained by something else, which is the emotional neglect and abuse heaven subjected and subjects every (former) angel to. The same can be said for any anxious symptoms he exhibits sometimes, emphasis on sometimes.

In conclusion, Aziraphale does not have depression, and I think making a case that he does will be almost entirely built on assumptions and subjective interpretations, not anything that is in any shape or form supported by text or subtext.

Does that mean all of his struggles are somehow invalid? No, of course not. They are simply not due to a disorder but something else, that's literally all this post proves. It makes no moral judgement.

[schizoid-hikikomori]

I don't understand people who fake disorders or impulsively self diagnose due to a trend.

What benefit does this provide?

Attention, sure. Though I've never valued attention, so that is not seen as a benefit to me.

Does it make them feel cool? Having a disorder that impairs your mental functioning and your ability to do ordinary things doesn't feel very cool to me.

It gives them an excuse for shitty behavior, maybe. Not having the courtesy of listening or paying attention to your friends, "Oh sorry, that's my ADHD haha".

The difference is that they can just drop the label when they get bored of it and move on. My ex faked having D.I.D.. She mentioned it once and never again, likely because she realized that it's super boring and high effort to fake with little reward. I know this because she talked obsessively about being autistic after being diagnosed, and if she truly had D.I.D., she wouldn't have shut up about it.

I didn't ask to be schizoid or dysthymic. To be endlessly depressed and dissatisfied with life, to feel like I can't connect with humans in any meaningful way, to be cursed like I can't feel human at all. I can't kick these labels to the side and move on, because they've become such an intrinsic part of my life.

I can't not be schizoid whenever I choose. I can't just post some bullshit and walk away, happy with the outcome.

I don't resent my diagnoses, but I wouldn't have chosen them for myself. Even worse, they're ones people generally don't know about, so I can't mention them and have people immediately know what I'm talking about.

So I'd just rather not mention them at all if I can help it.

[alstroemeriadissonance]

Compartmentalize (NSFW)

A/N: Aaaa I've been gone for some time (was busy with doing my urban fantasy AU found here), and I haven't been active in my socials including Twitter...I hope I can muster the will to do housekeeping and updating links. RL stuff is just getting a bit too much these days...

NSFW. Dr. Vyn Richter navigates his emotions with the help of his trusty dictaphone. Or, Vyn gets his own bad end. Crossposted from AO3 here

[0:00 - 0:37]

Dr. Vyn Richter

Patient is neatly groomed. Mood and affect is moderately dysthymic. Speech is normal in rate, rhythm, and volume as sampled in this recording. He is moderately distracted, with thoughts that are slightly tangential. Insight and judgment is impaired, with a tendency for emotionally-driven decisions. He has persistent, intrusive thoughts of his limerent object for the past fourteen hours and twenty five minutes since waking up at nine this morning.

[0:37 - 0:50]

Dr. Vyn Richter

Thoughts of jealousy, stemming from mild obsessive behavior towards limerent object have been observed, leading to difficulty with focus and concentration causing two instances of critical lapse in decision making.

“You’re doing it again.” Marius snapped his fingers in front of Vyn’s face, only to have his hand slapped away.

“Stop that,” Vyn muttered, reaching for his cup of tea. “What was I doing again, pray tell?” He took a sip, then made a face once he found out it had long gone cold. Irritated, he slammed the cup back into its saucer, spilling amber liquid all over his documents piled on the glass conference table. “Fuck.”

“Zoning out. Focus, will you?” Marius groused as he closed the document folder in his hands. It was obvious to him that Vyn couldn’t crunch data off the top of his head in his current state of mind. “I don’t like staying here past seven either, but we’ve got a job to do.” He tossed the folder onto the table and reached out for his tablet. “How about you take a quick look at this instead—”

The door to the files room opened, but Marius did not take notice; he was busy flipping through the documents on his tablet to look for the one he needed feedback on. “Vyn—ah, damnit.” 

Vyn wasn’t zoning out yet again, but Marius thought what he did was way worse: the doctor’s hawkish gaze was trained at the recently opened door, or more specifically, the couple who had emerged from the files room: Luke and Rosa. 

Marius, with his gift for observation that was mostly used in his art endeavors, easily picked out how the doctor’s fingernails dug into his thighs. He was sure that Vyn would bleed it if it weren’t for the sturdy fabric of his khakis. “Vyn?” No response; the doctor was already burning holes onto the backs of his colleagues, both too preoccupied with their light-hearted bantering over their smartphones to notice Vyn’s all-too bitter glaring.

[0:50 - 0:59]

Dr. Vyn Richter

I am looking in the mirror, my rose. Beholding the just deserts of our stubbornness. It is a tragedy that we have to hide the truth about ourselves, what we feel for each other, this beautiful thing that we have nurtured together.

Oh boy. Marius gave up and grabbed his bag to stuff his things, resigned that he would have to wait till their next meeting to get something pertinent out of his usually fastidious tutor. Whatever.

Luke was mumbling something as he hunched over Rosa’s shoulder, pointing at whatever was displayed on her screen. They seemed a little too intimate for work colleagues; Luke pulled Rosa closer to him, his arm wrapped around her as he fiddled with her phone’s display. 

[1:05 - 1:13]

Dr. Vyn Richter

Try as we might to separate our personal lives from the professional, the world is trying to take advantage of the consideration that we allow them at the expense of our own needs and desires, Rosa, do you not see it? 

Marius wasn’t surprised to see Vyn finally flipping his lid when Luke whispered something to her ear, his lips dangerously close to her face as if he was kissing her cheek.

“Luke, Rosa,” the doctor began, his voice controlled yet loud enough to easily fill the entirety of the sizable conference room. “If you could please keep your voices down. Marius and I are trying to do work here.” 

No we aren’t, because someone here is stewing in his jelly juices, Marius thought to himself. He would have said it out loud, but he did not feel like getting in the crosshairs of his tutor’s ire at the moment. 

“I have no qualms about any of us pursuing personal relationships, but if you could please exercise enough restraint to keep your flirting outside of working hours?” Vyn, despite his flat, emotionless tone, wasn’t giving any quarter. “I did not sign up for this circus.”

Marius threw the doctor a look that said Are you fucking serious? and nervously shifted his sights towards Luke and Rosa. As he expected, Luke was positively incensed, and Rosa was nothing but downright mortified.

“If you’ve got more to say about me and her catching up, why don’t we take this outside?” Luke nudged Rosa to stand behind him, but she didn’t budge; she remained rooted on the spot, her face red with embarrassment. 

“That is not necessary,” Vyn said, his voice clipped. “I am done here. You two can carry on with your business. I care not.”

Marius merely watched as Vyn stiffly gathered his things to leave the conference room; held his breath in anticipation when the doctor had to pass Luke to get to the door—only to be grossly disappointed when they merely stared each other down.

“I bid you a good evening, Rosa,” Vyn said quietly, his eyes never leaving Luke as he addressed her. “Enjoy your time together.”

[1:14 - 1:21]

Dr. Vyn Richter

Do you not see how much it tears me apart?

Later that night.

He drove his head deeper into his pillows, relishing the warmth and wetness of her mouth wrapped around his cock. He let out a moan as she did her best to deepthroat him; he had told her that she didn’t need to, yet Rosa was adamant to try pleasuring him. 

Perhaps as a way to make up for what happened back in the headquarters.

The earnestness of her efforts alone was enough to send him almost weeping in his own bed, a mere few minutes until midnight, way past his routine bedtime. But he did not care; sticking to a healthy routine was important if he were to maintain his mental acuity, yet at that moment nothing mattered to the doctor than feeling his lover’s hot, wet tongue swirling around his tip, and how her small lips were stretched to accommodate his girth as much as she could. His head spun in pleasure; the thick thread of precum leaking into her sucking mouth betrayed just how much he had waited for relief.

The muscles of his inner thighs tightened; he was getting near. His fingers twitched and sought her auburn tresses, unsure where they needed to be in his sudden bout of kindness, only for his care and restraint to be undone as she started sucking in earnest; her hand wrapped around the rest of his shaft and jerking off what her mouth couldn’t fit. Shuddering breaths quickly turned to needy gasps as he grabbed fistfuls of her hair, and begged for her to let him come—

But she only stopped and drew back, his still rock-hard cock slipping out of her lips.

Vyn almost wept in abject frustration. “Rosa, I—” His strangled voice told a little too much of just how much of his control was lost, only for him to be thwarted at the last minute. “...Why?”

“You didn’t have to antagonize him,” Rosa muttered, wiping the mixture of spit and precum off her lips with the back of her hand. “He was just showing me the videos he took from his last assignment.” Her olive eyes were clouded with such a mixture of emotions that Vyn couldn’t discern, not when he was too vexed after being deprived of release all too suddenly. 

Was it anger? Resentment? Regret? 

In the end he decided that none of those mattered, and he roughly pulled Rosa closer to him for a lingering kiss that told of his simmering desire for her, long ignored and neglected during the daytime. “I do not like how he holds you as if you were his possession,” he murmured against her lips, his arms snaking possessively around her sweat-slickened body. “Only I have the right to do so, Rosa. My love.” 

[1:25 - 1:37]

Dr. Vyn Richter

Only I should see your smile. Only I should hear you speak, in that sweet voice only your lover should hear. Only I should feel you. Around me. In me. Your intoxicating scent as we make love, only I should know of it. 

“I keep on telling you, we were only—ah—” Her protests died in her throat as Vyn pushed her down onto the mattress. “This wouldn't even be a problem if we'd only admit to our rela—” 

“Sssh.” Once again Vyn interrupted her from voicing out her grievance, this time with his slender finger across her grumbling lips. “We have already talked about this, pet.” He spared her from his usual vague platitudes about keeping things professional. Now wasn’t the time. The indignation he had to go through a few moments ago was still swimming in his bloodstream, but the need to sate his hunger was paramount. 

He spread her thighs open, and a dark chuckle rose from his throat. Despite her misgivings aimed at him the lurid sight of her wet and swollen flesh between her thighs betrayed just how much she was indeed his. 

She throbbed for him, and not for whoever she was with during the daytime, certainly not her childhood friend, try as hard as Luke might to worm his way into her heart by taking advantage of their shared memories. 

Memories that will be easily edged out by the lifetime of midnights shared only between the doctor and his precious rose. 

He could feel his dick harden even more at the thought.

His blood sang in triumph. 

“I will now take what is rightfully mine,” he whispered, licking his lips as he pushed her thighs further apart.

[1:40 - 1:59]

Dr. Vyn Richter

I knew my obsession with you was far too dangerous to allow unimpeded, but still I happily indulged in it, devoting my time and energy to your altar. You made me realize how much of a hypocrite I am, that I am no better than any man, just another someone who would squander everything in pursuit of that one woman. 

His bedroom was filled with nothing but shared sighs and ragged moans as he sank deep into her, inch by delicious inch, into her hole. He threw his head back, closing his eyes as he relished the heat inside her cunt grasp his cock perfectly as if it was made for him. Yes. For him only, she was his alone, of that there was never any doubt. They fit perfectly, both of them pieces of a puzzle they did not know they needed to solve until their first touch. Vyn knew there was no one else made for him. He was going to make her his, in every sense of the word, but that was for later.

“Sing for me, Rosa,” he murmured, hands sliding down to her thighs and wrapping her legs around his waist. “I want to hear your voice. Tell me you are mine,” he demanded, his voice a touch too needy for his liking. It was difficult to grasp what little composure he had left with how good her hot cunt felt around him. 

With a snap of his hips he bottomed out inside her; her moans of pleasure music to his ears as he started moving. 

“Vyn, Vyn, I—nngh—” There was no hope for Rosa to come up with coherent words, not with how she helplessly clung to his shoulders, her legs greedily pulling his hips back to hers in time with his hard, deep thrusts. “Yours, I’m…ahh—” Tears pricked the edges of her eyes, to his utter, unhinged delight; a sinister laugh rose from his lips the moment he felt her fingernails drag across the skin of his back, no doubt drawing blood. That is fine, he thought as he hissed in the pain and licked his lips, his darkened gaze locking onto her unfocused olive stare that told of just how far gone she was in her head, focusing on the climax steadily building as he pounded into her, over and over. 

“I need to…come. Please,” she managed to whisper, her weakened voice almost inaudible as he kept on rutting into her mercilessly. “Please, Vyn,” she whimpered, one of her hands letting go of his shoulder to reach down between her bodies. 

He was going to let herself reach her precipice first, but the feel of her hand desperately rubbing her clit—her knuckle grazing his cock as he kept on fucking her the way God intended him to do her—pushed him past the point of no return. With a loud, guttural moan he burst his hot seed inside her. 

She is like a drug, he decided as he slumped over her body, fully spent; and as she came, her cunt milking him for all he was worth with each orgasmic spasm, he knew that his spiraling obsession for her would lead him to nowhere but the abyss, and there was no hope for him to turn back and save himself. 

[2:05 - 2:12]

Dr. Vyn Richter

It is unfortunate that you know this side of me, my love. And I cannot afford to let others know of how much of my control I lose over you.

At exactly one in the morning she was already fully dressed, her smartphone in her hand as she booked for a taxi to come pick her up from Vyn’s place.

“Rosa, being out alone at this hour is unwise,” Vyn said, still naked on his bed. “At the very least please give me a few minutes to dress myself and I will drive you home.” 

He wanted to tell her that he’d rather she stay the night, for her to sleep beside him, but many things have already been said between them; it was much too late for him to renege on what they have already agreed upon, in the interests of compartmentalizing their romantic entanglement away from their professional lives and, in Vyn’s case, duty of his birthright.

And so all he could do was slip on his robe and see her out his door.

[2:23 - 2:52]

Dr. Vyn Richter

I will now come out and say it: You own me, my beloved. Me, and everything it entails. You own my thoughts, and my feelings. I cannot help it, your ownership of me is etched into my very being. You must bear responsibility for this, my rose. I place my fate into your hands.

“I will miss you, Rosa of my heart,” Vyn solemnly said, reaching out to her with the intent of holding her hand. 

His fingers could only brush the back of her hand as she drew back and away from his grasp. 

“I know,” was all she said before she stepped out through the door.

[2:52 - 3:01]

Dr. Vyn Richter

But the world is not yet ready to know this. Not yet.

They passed by each other the following morning, when he took it upon himself to personally deliver subpoenaed documents for a high profile case Themis Law was currently working on. 

Vyn, on his way to Artem’s office, went past the pantry where he saw Rosa poring over documents spread out over the table with a mug of coffee in her hand.

He was about to approach her and say hello but Artem beat him to it, pulling a chair beside her. Vyn could only look on as the senior attorney huddled closer to his junior, going over the specifics of whatever the documents contained, sharing a laughter or two during their impromptu meeting in the pantry.

He could only watch as Celestine approached the two, loudly calling Rosa ‘Ms. Wing’ in jest, and tasked both attorneys to attend a business function together in her stead. An out of town business trip. Easily two or three days, out in the country together. 

I have intruded on her business enough. The doctor pivoted on his heel and strode over to Kiki’s cubicle instead. “Hello, Miss Kiki,” he said in his bright voice usually reserved for the most reticent of patients. “Wing seems to be preoccupied at the moment.” He handed her the folder, along with his favorite green striped pen for her to sign the receipt slip with. “Would you be a dear and receive these documents for me?” 

The bespectacled intern was quite surprised to see him, and her cheeks bloomed easily in his presence, ducking her head as she clumsily signed her name at the bottom of the receipt. It did not take her a minute before she handed him back his pen and the signed receipt. 

Vyn let their fingers brush against each other as he accepted the items. “Thank you.”

“Y-you’re welcome, Dr. Richter,” Kiki chirped, then surreptitiously hid her furious blush behind the documents folder. 

He briefly wondered how easily it would be to bed the pretty, yet painfully shy intern, to fill the gaps of his immensely lonely nights, but shoved it out of his mind just as quickly. 

Nobody deserves to be hurt by petty jealousies, and people who manipulate others with the promise of love are nothing but despicable. He knew this very well.

His heart hurt.

Left with no reason for him to linger, his business finally done, Vyn decided to retreat into the comfort and semblance of control that his research center afforded him.

Yet before he could step into the elevator to leave the premises, Rosa emerged from the pantry and brushed past him, Artem in tow. 

Their eyes briefly met, only for her to look away and place her hand on her boss’s arm, to Artem’s obvious surprise.

Vyn merely pursed his lips.

“Wing, I left the documents with Kiki,” was all the doctor said, after giving them a curt nod. “Have a good day. I shall take my leave now.”

[0:00 - 2:19]

Dr. Vyn Richter

The patient is appropriately dressed but disheveled. He would describe his mood as ‘within limits’. His thought process lacks flow. It has been sixteen hours and seventeen minutes since waking up at nine this morning, and thoughts of jealousy have consumed his sensorium. I am nothing without you, my rose, and I…

[The recording is cut off here. Faint sound of glass shattering could be heard in the background]

[onlyhurtforaminute]

[writergeekrhw]

hi, hope you're doing well! i know you joined the team in s2 when a lot of that groundwork was laid in s1, but what were the discussions around the portrayal of sherlock's depression/addiction like? i love how elementary seemed to portray his depression as more dysthmic especially compared to contemporary shows like You're the Worst/Bojack Horseman, though it seemed to be less of a focus in later seasons. also thanks for helping my fave show of all time come to life!

I'm fine except for the annoying covid.

We talked about Sherlock's addiction all the time, though less so about his depression. I'm not 100% sure he has depression, TBH. Maybe bipolar disorder? Whatever type of depression he may or may not have is complicated by a LOT of other issues. We always believed Sherlock's neuroatypicality was extremely atypical and thus difficult to pin down. We wrote that part of him as, well, Sherlock. Diagnose at your own peril.

That said, I can certainly see why you might see him as dysthymic. Your understanding of Sherlock's issues may vary.

And thanks for the kind words.