#Did this stuff hurt as a child and does it still effect our relationship

[temper-temper]

If/when you have kids, what motherly skill do you think will be important?

This one I’ve been thinking about for weeks

there are so many skills that are important to have and keep in mind when raising little ones, but one that I think a lot of people forget about is to be patient. Little kids honestly cannot fully understand how their little brains work and why they are upset- helping to teach them how to regulate their emotions is extremely important and so is making sure you remain a safe place for them to bring their issues. The last thing you want is your kid to do something that will hurt them because there wasn’t enough of a bond to which they could feel safe asking advice.

You should also keep in mind that they aren’t your friends- they are your children- there is a level of professionalism that you should try to keep as a parent so that your little one doesn’t end up in a bad state. For example- don’t vent to your child like you would your spouse, your child isn’t emotionally adapt enough to handle your emotional load at LEAST till they are an older teen but even still I wouldn’t. As well- be careful what you say because some of those things will have a huge lasting impact.

I remember two things from when I was little (11-14) that my mom would comment on and say that to this day truly hurt me and effect how I treat others

“You are being a hypocrite”

”Your interest in the military is weird”

I most likely was in fact being a hypocrite but I was also a 12 year old girl going through some pretty tough trauma and not understanding why I felt the way I left. As well yes, I was very extra about my interests as a child- being cats, behaviors, history, etc. but to have your own mother put you down for it leads to a lot of pain.

things are definitely better now but there is still some things that hurt a lot and it all stems from the fact that in my relationship with my own mother, she lacked this understanding that I was in fact a child who didn’t have a developed enough brain to be able to understand what I was doing and to help her.

At the end of the day from what I’ve seen through my own life and through parenting videos and such- to be patient and understanding to the mental level your child is at in different stages of their life are some extremely important qualities to have as a mother.

This doesn’t however means you should be a pushover allowing your children to walk all over you- it’s all a take and give and you learn with time

[violetsareblue-selfships]

Nightmares

Familial F/O: Childe | Word Count: 976 | Warnings/Tags: Hurt/comfort (heavy emphasis on the comfort)

A/N: happy birthday~ (yes, i know this isn't a conventional b-day fic but it's all I got so...) anyhow... it's near the start of our sibling relationship & is all that good comfort stuff~ so I hope you all enjoy!

Tartaglia whines softly as he tosses and turns in his bed, the images of his nightmare lingering in his mind. It's not the first time nightmares have kept him from sleeping. It's a common occurrence for him if he's being honest.

Still, it's never a good thing to miss out on an entire night's rest because his mind won't leave him alone. He sighs and flips over again, burrowing his head under the blanket as if it will shield him from the thoughts.

It does not. It blocks the sounds from the other recruits that he can hear through the walls, but for the terrifying images in his head? It doesn't do a single thing to stop those.

Tartaglia sighs and sits up, covering his face with his hands. A tiny, errant thought crosses his mind and he frowns. As much as he trusts her, which is more than he would've said weeks previous, part of him can't help but doubt in her promise.

She did promise that he could come to her with anything he needed, no matter the time of day. Maybe she knew before he did that he'd come to her with a nightmare or something of the sort.

Still, he can't help but feel that he'd be bothering her despite her words. Who would really want someone, especially a near stranger, to wake them up in the middle of the night like this?

Despite his doubts, he gets up from the bed and slides on a pair of slippers and grabs the key to his room. He silently slips out of his room and walks down the halls as silent as he can. Sure, it's not expressly against the rules for a recruit to be up so late, but the closer he gets to the Harbingers' residences, the more suspicious he'll be seen as.

Tartaglia finds the room of the Rose of Embers and lingers for a few seconds outside her door. Before he can think of turning tail and heading back to his room, images from the nightmare pop back into his mind and he knocks on the door instinctively.

The seconds after the knocks feel like hours and he hovers his hand over the door again. Might as well commit if he's already knocked once, right?

Thankfully, the door opens before he can go through with it. "What's going on?" Her voice is already so soothing to him and she opens the door a little further at his lack of answer. When her eyes catch his frightened expression, her own softens.

"Tartaglia, honey, is everything alright?" The question makes him want to cry, reminding him of how his older siblings back home would act. He shakes his head and she hums softly. "Come on in, sweetheart."

He comes into the room and shuts the door, lingering just beside the door as he watches her move around. "Aww, baby, you can lay down." She says when she sees him standing there and he sniffles softly. "I'm just making you some tea, okay?"

"Alright." It's nice to be cared for like this again. It's something he hasn't felt in years and while he may not trust her one-hundred percent, it's enough to make him feel safe here.

Tartaglia shuffles over to the bed and toes off his slippers before crawling into her bed. It's awash with her scent as well as a soothing lavender that sets his nerves at ease. The nightmare is still lingering in his mind but its effects have been dulled by the soothing atmosphere.

Once the tea has been brewed, April crawls into bed beside him and hands over the mug to him. The drink does help, relaxing tension that he didn't know he was carrying, and he silently passes the mug back once he's drained it.

"Come here, honey." April murmurs, holding her arms open. He hesitates a moment before scooting closer and sinking into her arms, nestling his head into the crook of her neck.

Her hand dips down and tousles his hair softly. "Shh, you're alright. You're alright. You're safe here. I won't let anything hurt you." She whispers into his hair when she feels him still faintly shaking from the nightmare.

Her words bring tears to his eyes and, to his surprise, he feels safe enough to let them fall. He clings to the shirt of her pajamas and cries into her neck.

April coos softly and gently rubs a hand over his back. "I've got you. That's it." She kisses the top of his head. "You can stay here for tonight, alright, darling?"

"You sure?" His voice is small, broken with the tears. "But what about--?"

"Shh, I will deal with any questions the others may have. I promised that I would be here for you. I always honor my promises. I'm not about to send you back to a cold, dark room after a nightmare. Especially when you came all the way here to me."

She sounds so sure of herself that he can't help but believe her. There's still a small part worried about what will happen if one of the other Harbingers were to catch wind of this, but she clearly seems confident that she can handle it.

"Thank you." He murmurs, sniffling softly as his tears start to slow.

"Of course, honey. Now, try to get some sleep. And please, don't be afraid to wake me should you have another nightmare."

Tartaglia sleepily nods and snuggles closer, letting out a soft sigh when she pulls the blankets up over them both. It's the safest he's felt falling asleep in ages.

He was right to trust her for this, and maybe he can start trusting her in other matters too.

Somehow he can just tell she's not going to deceive him. She truly cares about him.

That means a lot.

[anaiswriterr]

 For the sake of our relationship

Pairing: Fem!ProHeroReader x Hawks

Rating: M

Authors Note: This story contains subjects that may not be suitable for a younger audience, warning: Blood, fighting, swearing, the word rape is used and sexual content. This is an angst story. Inspired from the story, “I’m your Salvation.” Also the readers quirk is: Electricity, you can control electricity. Hero name: Elytra. Also this story is extremely long!

Synopsis: When Y/N loses her quirk and possibly her career all in one day, she’s faced with hard decisions, and grief. Keigo just wants to help but what if you just don’t want his help? Will the relationship crumble?

 He didn’t know if it were the cuts, scrapes, burns, gashes and the deep dark bruises that covered your body, that shook him to the core. Or if it were the ventilator that was placed in your throat that made him boil and shake in his seat in anger.

   His lips pressed into a thin line, rubbing the tears that spilled over his cheeks away every few minutes. His uncontrollable sobs that shook his body, and the constant whispers of encouragement he’d give to you through his choked sobs.

   “Come on kid, just fight it.”

   He held onto your hand, rubbing over the bruise on your wrist lightly, waiting for you to wake up. His teary eyes wondered all over your beaten body and landed on your neck. A large imprint of a hand was bruised, painting the area in black and blue, the cuts all over your face only made him want to go out and find whoever did this to you.

   You had been gone on a mission for only a couple of weeks, saying, “Stop worrying, I’ll come back home like normal and you’re gonna see how silly you were.” You’d teased, sticking out your tongue at him and kissing him goodbye. He knew the work you two did was dangerous, sometimes one of you would come in the early hours of the morning with bruises and cuts that weren’t there the other night. And sometimes it’d be burn marks and for him shorter wings. But he never knew it’d be like this, to the point you were in a hospital room fighting for your life after a mission that went horribly wrong. Nobody had word of the incident, and the Hero Commission would make sure of that till you were fully healed.

   It only made Keigo angrier. The fact that they only thought of your return, and jumping right back into hero work.. Not giving a damn if you were just holding on by just a thread. Life was different now. It had been now, two weeks since you were admitted into the hospital. Keigo would only leave your side to shower and come back, dismissing all his hero work and leaving it to his sidekicks; instructing them to only call him if it’s absolutely necessary.

   He’d only hope that he wouldn’t have to leave. Your state had only seemed to worsen, it was later when a doctor had come in to discuss an important and life changing conversation with Keigo.

   There was one word that rung continuously in his brain, one word that made him sit down.

   “Quirkless.”

   ***

   You wished you were dead.

   You wished your body would’ve given out and that you would’ve died. Not wake up in a lifeless hospital, with guilt rushing over your body. Staring lifelessly at the blank ceiling, you woke up after another week of being admitted into the hospital. You didn’t cry, you didn’t mutter not even a single word.

   Your voice wouldn’t let you.

   It was hoarse and raw, your body ached and throbbed and yet you still didn’t cry. You couldn’t, they’d dwell but wouldn’t fall 

   You didn’t even acknowledge your longtime boyfriend Keigo; sitting there.

   ‘What kinda hero am I if I couldn’t even save those people?’

   The screaming and yelling, the sound of innocent children being slaughtered. It was your fault, you couldn’t save them.

   And now it appears you can’t ever save people.

   When the doctor informed you about no longer having your quirks you remained lifeless, laying your body right back down and turning to face the wall.

   “Leave.” You mumbled.

   “Babe, you need to listen he’s-“

   You gripped at your pillow even tighter, “Tell him to get the fuck out! Or I’ll tell you too next!” You shouted into the pillow, not looking at his hurt expression. He looked towards the Doctor, with an apologetic look. And returned back to sitting next to you, watching you. It was the first time you expressed something, it was cruel.

   Innocent people died and now you’re quirkless? You don’t even know how, it was all so fast. So was it a sick game, to be forever punished. But you guess you deserved it, karma after all.

   You haven’t spoken a single word to Keigo, not wanting to face him as the ‘Pro hero who couldn’t do her job.’ It was shameful. Embarrassing to even be linked with him. He was perfect, like an angel. And you were just like the rest of the hero’s who burnt up too fast.

***

   You were discharged a week after, with an assortment of prescriptions and medications. Even creams for the deep scars on your body.

   Keigo insisted the first thing you should do was take a bath when you got home, he was helpful. Making sure you were all set to go and even brought you clothes for when you were finally discharged, your attitude towards him remained the same:

   Cold and quiet.

   It was like radio silence between you two, with slight static from his end as he’d try to reach with with kind eyes and soft kisses. But like a painting, you remain the same.

   When you two got home he quickly helped you inside by grabbing your bicep. And closing the door behind you with a small kick, “Let’s get you out of these clothes.” He says softly, but you wave him off.

   “I can do it myself, I’ll take a shower tomorrow.” You argued back, but his grip only got stronger. He arches a brow, you instantly decided to let him help you this once. You nod, and make your way to the bedroom. He grabs you a pair of panties, and a nightgown.

   Seeing at it was a more comfortable option, and would make it helpful to change your bandages without having to strip you.

   He later sat you on the toilet and ran the hot water of the bath, making sure to add your favorite scented bubble bath soap. You smiled weakly, for the first time at him.

   He kneels down in front of you, and pulls your shirt off and pants, his glorious wings touch the tile floor beneath him. He strips the rest of your clothing off and helps you in the bath, washing your body off with its hot water.

   He leans down to kiss your forehead, “You okay?” He asks, pouring water over your hair and scrubbing it gently with his fingertips unto your scalp with the shampoo. You don’t answer, but instead grab a handful of bubbles in your hands. Blowing them away, he pours more water over your head; and scrubs your back.

   The cuts and gashes burned in the water, but the sensation gave a small calming effect, it was something you could finally feel.

   Keigo is mindful of the wounds and only goes over them gently, cleaning off the area like instructed; earning a small hiss from you as you lean forwards in pain.

   “I know it hurts kid, but you're gonna have to endure for just a little while longer.”

   He continued to clean you off, and suddenly you felt a wave of emotions.

   Here it is, the after shock had finally dissipated and here it was, your emotions. “Keigo..” you finally say his name after so long, he stops, “Yes Angel?”

   “A-Are they really gone?”

   He didn’t know if you were asking about the people or your quirks, but one thing is certain, it was still the same answer. He nodded.

   “Yes.” He simply says.

   A tear escapes your eye, and then another, till eventually you’re full out bawling in the bathroom tub.

   Keigo is smart enough to know that anything he says, or does can not bring you back what was lost. And it killed him, so all he did was simply hold you, your wet hand gripping onto his forearm and sobbed. He knew nothing he could say would help you, so he did the next best thing: 

   He sat down, and took it. He remained quiet, and did not bring up the situation any longer: even going as far as to shield you away from hero related stuff, and would only take missions at night. Even making sure the TV was never on the news channel.

   He’d help you out of the bath and would help put back your clothes on, you cleared your throat when you noticed his eyes wandering on the wound near your gut for too long. You hated how he looked at you like some sort of sick child, you hated the way he’d constantly treat you like a porcelain teacup. He aided with your bandages and helped you towards the bed; still not uttering a single word to each other. 

   He just wrapped you in the warm sheets and left you with a blanket that smelled like him, remembering the silly arguments you’d two would get in when he cleaned the old thing. 

   Arguing, “Now you have to sleep with it cause it doesn’t smell like you anymore.” But of course he’d smile back at you and oblige to the order. 

   Now it has just provided you the small comfort of better times, he tucked you in and handed you the remote. He leans down, wiping the last of your tears with his calloused thumbs and glancing at you with a sad smile. 

   “I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner, I’ll be up in a few.” He said weakly, before standing up and heading towards the door. But you reached out for his hand, catching it at the last second. The movement made you wince, but you needed to say it. 

   “I love you, Keigo.” 

   He deserved to hear it, he needed to hear it after weeks of radio silence. 

   “I love you too, songbird.” 

*** 

   The relationship wasn’t always the healthiest, before losing your quirks the two of you would never raise your voices at one another, and swore to never lay a hand on one another. You two swore at the beginning of the relationship, that if you guys had a problem or if something was bothersome then you’d speak out about it. 

   But of course, even after being together for three years and seeing each other rise to be the hero’s you were today; the two of you found different sides of one another; sides neither of you knew existed. You never realized how scary and intimidating Hawks could be; you never realized how his eyes could darken and narrow as if a real Hawk would watch its prey. A warning sign as he glared at you from across the room.

   And he never realized how cruel you could be, just how your words could cut so deep. People say behind angry voices, lies a little bit of truth behind it. Even when you said you didn’t mean it; he also never realized how quick you were to anger. 

   Not even a week after you left the hospital, the relationship felt like the two of you were walking on eggshells. Yelling at one another, as you poured the pills down the sink. He grabbed your bruised hand roughly, and turned off the faucet. 

   It was early in the morning, too early for him to even fight, he thought. 

   “What the fuck are you doing?” He looks at you sternly, and then at the empty pill bottles you had successfully drained. 

   You remained quiet, too weak and tired. Lately all you felt was anger, you barely left the bedroom the both of you shared and you’d push away Keigo when he attempted to feed you. Turning your body around to not face him, “I’m not hungry.” You mumbled. 

   You return back to reality, his sigh of disappointment bringing you back. 

   “You can’t keep doing this! This I won’t allow, just talk to me? What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours. You won’t talk to me, unless we’re arguing, you won’t eat, you won’t let me touch you. You have to talk to me, I can’t keep playing this game where you ignore your feelings and emotions and just push me to the side. I’m trying to help you-” 

   You interrupt him with a laugh, his soft eyes turn dark, he hated when you mocked him. 

   “That’s the problem Keigo. You’re helping is just a reminder of how fucking useless I am. You treat me like I’m glass, I know you do your hero work at night. You don’t have to hide it away from me. We get it, poor little Y/N, right? I never asked for your help.” 

   His grip on your wrist tightens; he looks down before glancing back up at you. 

   His gaze on your E/C eyes hardens, “Fine.” 

***

   He left you for the rest of the day, cooling off from the argument and leaving you too cool off as well. It was the first time he has left in the daylight since you were discharged. You only sat in the living room, wrapped in your blanket watching TV. Segments of heroes speeches came on, and all you could do was stare aimlessly at the silver screen. 

   The announcement was made public that you won’t be able to come back to the hero scene, explaining all the details of the incident.

   The Commission already had you booked with interviews with the press. But how could talk to them when all they’ll do is remind you of your failures as a hero.

   Like they didn’t care that you were grieving, that you weren’t the same anymore and here you are being forced to fake a smile and laugh it off as if this job meant nothing to you. Years of training to be perfect, the people you’ve saved, the people you had to kill, the families you reunited; it suddenly meant nothing. 

‘I have no reason to be here anymore.’

   What was the point of living if you weren’t the same anymore, you have nothing to lose. 

*** 

   Keigo came back in the dead of night, his lips pressed into a fine line as he wiped the look of tiredness off his face, he noticed your body laying out on the couch, your hair draped over the pillows; he crouches down in front of you. Noticing an even darker bruise on your wrist, he cringed at the memory of his tight grasp. 

   He never meant to hurt you.

   He came back with the pills you threw away, he realized without your painkillers and antibiotics that your healing process would be even more grueling. And he refused to watch. No matter how much you spit, hit, and cry; you have to take it.

***

   He had finally had enough. 

   Another two weeks passed and here you guys were, again, fighting in the kitchen. His voice rising even louder than yours, and his eyes narrow in warning. Your eyes water, and your voice trembles. 

   “Just talk to me! Please!” He begs, he pleads. 

   You stare at him blankly, and try to feel something. But there’s nothing, there’s no feeling anywhere in your body. You pull at the sleeve of your sweatshirt. 

   “I-I can’t.” 

   He tilts his head in confusion, “I don’t know how..” 

***

   “After running multiple tests and asking Y/N Y/L/N an assortment of questions, it appears that you,” The doctor in the room turns to look at your blank face, she looks at you apologetically, “Are showing signs of depression. Now there are treatments, and I’ll prescribe you some medication to help aid her during the healing process. But I do suggest therapy, and just talking more. Surround yourself with positivity.” 

   Keigo nods and thanks the doctor before she leaves the two of you alone to discuss the options. 

   He stares at the variety of pamphlets stacked in his hand, sorting through them. “We’re gonna fix this, bird. You just gotta help me help you.” He glances at you hoping for a reaction, but you shrug. “A new pill to add to the loads that I already take.” You say sarcastically, shrugging your shoulders, “Yay me.”  

***

   The relationship had its ups and down, there were times when you’d let Keigo help you, you’d also apologize for treating him poorly, But he’d just brush you off with a kiss and a simple sentence, “I’m here till the end, angel.” 

   The little blue pill had seemed to help. 

   For the first month, that is. 

   But slowly, oh so painfully slowly, you went back to your old post-accident bitchy no emotion self. Keigo would drop you off at therapy and pick you up to drop you off back home. 

   But like all good things come to an end, the somewhat normal life you were finally starting to settle into shattered, you were made to go to interviews and you’d come home crying. You were completely gone and empty. You and Kiego stopped having sex (though the last time was the night before you left for your mission), that bothered him the most. Not you not wanting him, it was your urge to be as far away from him as possible, not letting him even touch you. 

   It hurt the Pro Hero.

   Seeing as you no longer wished to even look at him; the love he had held onto slowly dissipated as time went on; like two ghosts living in an apartment full of memories. 

*** 

   You looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror, noticing all the deep cuts that once scattered your skin were finally all healing, turning into light scars and the bruises were finally gone. It was as if it never happened, you sigh and turn on the shower. Setting it to the hottest setting.

   Keigo was out at work again, and you still haven’t talked to him. It ate away inside of you, it felt like you no longer had control of your body and it’s emotions.

   ‘Was it the pills?’ You thought, the doctor informed you of the possible side effects and this was definitely one of them. But you couldn’t just stop taking them, the last time you tried to throw them away it ended bad.

   You entered the shower and allowed the hot water to fall off your shoulders.

   There was something you were depriving him of.

   And you knew what it was.

   You haven’t touched him. You haven’t talked to him.

   The words I love you, haven’t left your mouth in such a long time it felt like you were forcing yourself to feel something that you couldn’t feel.

He stopped trying after a while longer, and would leave before you could wake up and came home when you were asleep. It was now a routine that he had grown accustomed to.

You wash your body with the raging thought that rushed to your brain, ‘maybe if I try.. tonight. I can’t get some sort of feeling.’ You forced.

   You rinse off the soap and dry yourself with your towel. Changing into a nightgown and making your way to your bedroom.

   You waited for Keigo to come back home.

***

   You could hear the shower head turn on and the door close shut behind him. Only briefly seeing his winged silhouette in the dark, you turned to face the door that connected your room to the bathroom. You say up and wait for him to come out, Keigo never took long showers, unless the two of you were showering together.

   Which hasn’t happened in awhile.

   He came out after a ten minute shower, in loose sweat pants and white tank. His wings falling behind him, dragging against the tile.

   He stood at the doorway when he noticed your eyes on him. He cleared his throat and refused to share eye contact with you. He couldn’t look at the shell of the woman he had so desperately fallen in love for, he could feel his heartbeat rattle against his chest.

   “Why are you up kid. It’s late.” He finally said, glancing up towards you.

   Your body is numbed by his glance, but you ignore it. It was worth a try, you had to see if what you had was still there or if it was long gone by now.

   He cocks his head to the right and relaxes his gaze, “What's wrong?”

   You remain quiet and only look at him. You point a finger at him, and curl it towards your direction.

   “C-Can you come here, please.” You whisper, he nods and slowly walks towards you, his strides are smaller than usual. His look is cautious, when he gets to the edge of the bed you get on your knees and scoot towards him. Wrapping your arms around his neck, and gazing into his eyes. You feel his hands slowly make their way to your hips, giving them a gentle squeeze.

   He looks down at the sheets, and then back at you.

“What do you need?” He asks. Eyes almost asking permission to touch you, you push aside the feeling of disgust with yourself. 

   “You.”

***

   Your leg hooked onto his waist loosely as he pumped in and out of you, what you feared was real. It wasn’t the same anymore, it felt like nothing.

   The love behind it didn’t even feel like it existed. It just felt like you were having sex to get it over with it.

   He groans into your shoulder. Shuddering on top of you, his forearms barricade your sides. Your arm hooks over his back, with each stroke you scrunch your nose staring blanking at the ceiling over you.

   “Ouch.” You say quietly.

   It hurt more than usual.

   You yanked hard on his feathers, causing him to duck his head into your shoulder, “Don’t do that.” He warned.

   His pace increased and all you let out were small groans, still yanking at his feathers, your head up in the cloud, ignoring the annoying thoughts that floated in your head.

   His thrusts abruptly stop, “What the fuck are you doing?” He asks.

   You ignore his question, and let out another groan. Pulling again at his wings, “Okay! Stop, what the fuck are you exactly doing? You don’t wanna have sex?”

   You stare blankly at him, and pull him closer with your legs. “S-Stop! No I’m not gonna do this! I’m not gonna do this when you clearly don’t want too.”

   Again, you ignore him and try again, this couldn’t be happening. Did you really stop loving Keigo to the point your body was physically rejecting him, refusing to be aroused at the mere simplistic action that had before had you screaming out his name so loud the neighbors could it.

   You raise your hips before being met with a stern gaze and hands now pinning you to the bed.

   “Y/N stop!” He yelled, “What do you want me to do? Rape you? I’m not doing this. No, I wanna make love to you, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

   Everything.

    Your body finally allows you to look at his dark golden eyes, he was angry. And rightfully so, your body just finished telling him you didn’t love him anymore. And here you were trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal when it was.

   You hit him first, your hands slam against his bare chest. “Fuck you.” You spat.

   “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Why can’t you ever just do something without having to ask so many damn questions huh! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I was trying to see if I still loved you!” You yelled, he slams your body into the mattress, “So you decided the best idea was to see if I could still fuck you right? Huh? You wanted me to use you even though you’re clearly in pain! Is that how you like it? When I hurt you!” He yelled, his grip on your wrist loosening and letting you go. His feathers bring you back your underwear and nightgown from the floor as his other feather brings back his clothing.

   After he quickly puts back his clothes on he turns to face you, “Honestly Y/N, the last thing I’d ever wanna do to you is hurt you. In any way shape or form, I understand you are still grieving but now you’re just being cruel. You want me to be the bad guy so bad don’t you? Fine, your wish is my command.” He glares, picking up the rest of his stuff and leaving for the night.

***

   You stopped referring Keigo to his name and started referring to him as Hawks.

   Just like he stopped acknowledging your existence at all, you followed in suit. He decided that the two of you should have space; for the sake of your relationship you agreed. Though, it would’ve been easier just to break up.

   But you knew it had to be done, your body physically was rejecting Hawks. Your mind was now thinking for its own and you had no control, all the memories somehow mysterious meant nothing to you.

   Now all the times the two of you would share a rare shower, have living room dance parties, eat dinner together on the balcony. The talks of the two of you possibly even starting a family before seemingly slipped your mind and the ring he fingered in his pocket still sat in a velvet box hidden from view.

   It was all crashing down. It’s been barely four months and now you lost your quirk, your relationship was in shambles, the pills you took seemingly increased the more you talked to your therapist, and now you sat in the living room looking for apartments across the city and far away from him.

   Eventually you found a match, it was the perfect size so you decided to place a down payment on it and move as soon as possible. He came back to the apartment before you moved out, he avoided you, but sometimes you’d catch the sense of his eyes wandering over you.

   You packed your bags, folded your clothes, and took everything that was yours.

   “Look, I just think, if we weren’t in the same place and took time for ourselves we could.. be better.” You said, scratching the back of your neck sheepishly as he eyed you down as if you were prey from the end of the hall. He crosses his arms over his chest, “Do you still love me?” He asked curtly. It was a simple yes or no question, he needed to know, the timer was running out.

   You wanted to simply say no, not anymore. Because then that would be the truth, but your body wouldn’t let you say it. You look at the coffee table, and see a picture frame of the two of you, “I-I don’t know Hawks.” Your grip tightens on your suitcases handle.

   “Do you still love me?” You ask. Gripping your suitcase even tighter.   “I don’t know, either.” He sighs, a sad smile paints his face. His eyes water as he looks down to the tile floor, his hands deep into the pockets of his sweatpants. It was an intimate moment for the two of you, filled with raw emotion. You were given the privilege to see Hawks in such vulnerable moments for the past three years despite his training, when it was about you, he'd drop all the walls he built just for you.

   You couldn’t help but wipe a tear yourself, it was a confusing time for you.   He glances up at you, glossy eyes sparkling in the light. “I don’t really want to do this.”

   You nod, and hold in a choke sob, “This is just as hard for me as it is for you, but we need time apart. We need to be separate for a while and see new people. I-I hate the idea-“  

   “So why are we doing this!”

    You sigh, “Because, we can't even look at each other without raising our voices. I wanted to be able to love you the way you need to be loved, and for three years I did.”

   You look down towards your feet, chewing your bottom lip.

   “I loved you more than anything, Hawks. But right now. We shouldn’t be together.”

   Keigo doesn’t face you, he crosses his arms over his chest. “So that’s it? We’re breaking up?We’re separating.”

   “Yes.”

   He shrugs as his hand goes to cover his mouth, his lips pressing into a line, he sends feathers to open the front door and help you with your bags. They follow you to the front door and out, Hawks gives you one last look from the doorway, and waves you goodbye.

 ***

   It had been three months since your move to the new apartment, and you saw improvements in your life. You attended therapy and soon dropped all your pills, noticing you didn’t need them anymore since you were physically healed.

   After much pleading and much needed talking, you finally were able to slowly get off the antidepressants. Your therapist had made a discovery as to why you may have been having erratic mood changes, the hero commission had still paid your therapy and bills and eventually you were given a job to teach at UA High as a science teacher (due to your incredible skills and hands on learning from your quirk, and besides it came naturally to you), you were also teaching kids how to master their quirks, joining the group of teachers that would teach the next generation of heroes.

   Life was starting to get back on track, you even bought a dog. It was out of the spur of the moment, you decided to adopt a little dog and named it Birby after walking by the nearby shelter and seeing him wag his tail in joy, attempting to grab your attention.

   Hawks would occasionally pay a visit to you, and catch up. The two of you decided that during the separation it would be best to at least make time to see each other one day out of the week.

   He’d stop by every Thursday during your lunch break, he helped you grade papers and even met your dog when he came over to your apartment. Which ended with him playing on the floor with the pup the entire evening.

   It was a healthy separation.

   “I’m glad you’re doing much better, you’re smiling like you used to.” He said, in between laughs as he cooed at the dog. You stick your tongue out at him and continue to grade papers.

   “Oo a smiley face, let me guess the kid got an A?” Hawks guessed, suddenly appearing by your side. You nod and hand him a stack with an answer key and blue and red colored markers.

    “Correct you are Hawks, my class rarely fails which means I’m a good teacher.” You applauded yourself, he lets out a laugh.

   “Ha! I bet the only reason those kids pay attention is because they got a hot teacher. Hell I’d stay after school if it meant more time.” He joked, adding check marks to the correct answers and grading the papers accordingly, he’d even put a smile on the page like you.

   You stay silent, it was like it all hit you at once that you and Hawks were separated. The thought had slipped your mind, it wasn’t like you didn’t appreciate it coming from him, but it was the fact that you guys haven’t spoken about each other like that. He senses the tension and cocks an eyebrow at you, “You're doing it again.”

   You scoff, “What do you mean I’m doing it again? What am I doing?”

   He points and waves the marker near your face, “The face you make when you're thinking about something really deep.” He says, before going back to grading. You place the pile of graded papers on your coffee table and turn towards him. He catches your gaze before placing his pile beside yours.

   “Why are you looking at me like that?”

   You wave your hands in front of your face defensively as he inches closer to you, “N-No it’s nothing! It’s just-“

   He scoffs, “Are you seriously mind fucked because I said you’re hot? Damn, I know we’re in separation and stuff but if I wanna call you hot I’m gonna call you hot.”

   You wave your hands even more and slap them on your cheeks, “Hawks!-“

   “That’s not my name.”

   You roll your eyes, “I don’t say your name anymore because of how personal it is too you-“

   “And what? It makes you sound like all the rest, I allowed you to know my name for a reason. I don’t just hand it out to whoever. Again, just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean you can’t call me by my name.” He says, leaning back into your couch. You sigh in defeat, he was right.

   “Soooo, Y/N, it’s been awhile since you’ve really talked to me. You haven’t told me much, so how’s the dating life?” He asks.

   A frown appears on his face and you mentally facepalm yourself. ‘Way to get to the damn point.’   Keigo would only ever visit on Thursdays, which was part of the reason why he looked forward to Thursday’s. But even after you moved out, you guys remained close seeing as it would be impossible to forget one another and just called the split a separation though it was truly a break up. You never really opened up to him when he came over, during your lunch breaks he’d just help around and listen to your complaints about “How will this even prepare them in life? I don’t even fucking use this!” As you looked over your lesson plans.   He’d admire you from afar, and watch you. He cringed each time you called him Hawks, but still carried on with life. You just never really told him about what was going on like you used to.

  “Keigo,” you say, earning a smile from the winged hero, “There’s nobody, I don’t really wanna get into another relationship.” You mumble, he shrugs.

   “How about you? How’s the dating game?” You ask, crossing your legs.   He arches a brow at you and almost laughs, “I don’t got time for another chick, not in my interest surprisingly.” You nod, and squint at him.

   “I’m sure you are busy, bird boy.”

   A silence falls in between the two of you, creating an almost awkward tension in the air. You clear your throat, hoping he’d say something. But he doesn’t, he just grabs the pile of papers off the coffee table and continues to grade.

   “What have you been up to, since you’ve moved here.” He asks, finally looking up to meet your eyes.

   “I-I well, I go to therapy twice a week, I finally dropped all my pills, I got a job, I got my dog, that’s really it Keigo.” You said, shrugging your shoulders and giving a content sigh, you looked around your place and crossed your arms.

   He nodded and smiled, “You stopped your pills?” He asks excitedly, it was a huge milestone and a big deal to him, and you understood why; the pills drained you and drain who you were as a person. It was just time to finally let them go. 

  “yup.”

   A grin plastered his face. He looked like he was proud, “I’m so happy for you, Y/N.” You thank him, and glance at his eyes. It’s been awhile since you looked at his eyes, which only reminded you of something you’ve been meaning to speak to him about.

   “Keigo,” you grab his attention as he arches a brow, “I was wondering, I know this is sudden but I want you to know that at the time I couldn’t be with you because I was scared I didn’t love you anymore, I know we’re still in a tough spot but.. I want to at least try again.”

   A silence falls between you two, he smirks after a couple seconds.   “You wanna give this relationship thing another try?” He asks, widening his grin. You smile back, “Yes. But I think the only way we’re gonna survive this is with counseling. We can’t just jump back in like when we first started dating.” You say, it was a good option.

   There were still things left unsaid, sometimes old rotten memories would come up, it wasn’t going to be easy, and you finally came to terms that if it wasn’t him. Then it wasn’t anybody else.

   The best idea was to have a mediator.   He agrees with you and you notice his wings twitch slightly, he was happy. And so were you.

***

   “Now, before we start our first session I wanna make sure what my chart says is indeed true,” The counselor states, she crosses her legs and pulls at her glasses; adjusting them.

   Keigo sits on one side of the couch meanwhile you sit on the other end, your palms are sweating in nervousness.

   “Is it true that the two of you are in a state of separation currently? Meaning that you two no longer live together or see one another on a daily basis?”

   You both answer, “Yes ma’am.”

   “Alright, is it true that the both of you have been in a relationship for three years?”

   Again, the both of you nod and answer, “Yes, ma’am”   The middle aged woman claps her hands, flipping through her chart. “Alrighty you two, I usually start my counseling with a series of questions of basic getting to know you two, before we can truly get to the root of the problem.” You both nod in understanding, your hands clammy as they rub together.

   “Now, Hawks, may you please retell the story of how you two met in the first place.” She smiles pointing at him with a pen. “It usually helps remind the clients why they fell in love in the first place.”

    He clears his throat, “Well, I met Y/N when I was twenty years old, she worked for another agency at the time and I first heard of her when I realized she was climbing the hero charts pretty fast. We met at a Heroes Convention and she was wearing a red dress. The whole night I kept looking at her and eventually I introduced myself, a week later we found ourselves on the scene in a villain attack together, and I just asked her on a date. She said no,”

   You laugh at the memory, he looked so rejected but instead of taking the no and dropping it, he’d asked every time you met till you finally said yes.

   “She said yes after asking her twenty times.”

   The counselor nods, opening her mouth to ask another question, “Who said I love you first?” She asks.

   You answer this time, “Hawks, we had been dating for a month and he blurted it out when I was in the shower.”

   Ah yes, he was ranting about something while you showered when he said, “I hope you know I love you, because if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be sane.” You had peeked your head out slowly pulling back the curtains and stared him down. Stumbling on your words as a warm blush creeped onto your neck.

   “Say that again?” You asked him, he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

   “I love you?”

   “Yeah, say it again,” you smiled at him. Nodding for him to continue; “I love you.” He said it more confidently, you gave him a peck on the cheek and retreated you head back into the shower; “I love you too, birdbrain.”

   It was a beautiful memory that you had forgotten, and now, it came back in a lightning strike. As if talking about it opened a whole cabinet of memories in your mind with him.

   You had blamed him and treated him like nothing during that cold turmoil time in the relationship. Who knew the two of you would end up in an office trying to revive it.

   Doctor Marie (the counselor) nodded, and proceeded to ask questions of the relationship.

   “When did you two notice the relationship was coming to an end, in other words when and why did you guys decide to separate?”

   That was a very loaded question.

   It struck a nerve in you as you clutch onto the hem of your skirt. The two of you didn't respond nor answers.

   Keigo simply said, “After her accident she started to take a boatload of pills but we didn’t know of the side effects. Not to mention she lost her quirk and Y/N really did cherish her quirk, that with also losing lives,” he mutter yet continued when you nodded for him to keep going. “It was a boat load of things, but I genuinely think for me we separated because we couldn’t handle it anymore. Every time I’d try to help her, or talk to her it just ended up in a screaming match. I loved her so much, but it’s hard to love somebody and be happy when the person doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

   He turns to face you, nodding that it was your turn.

   You sigh, “Well for me.. I was jealous of Hawks.” You say, it was true it was a feeling you hated. You felt like a stupid schoolgirl when that feeling over powered you, it was the first time you admitted it. “I was jealous because he still had his quirk, he still had everything. And every time he helped me it felt like he was treating me like a fragile porcelain doll he found from a vintage store. He’d look at me like a wandering puppy, and then on top of that it was like my head was just clouded with nothing. I started taking so many pills for pain, depression, sleep, you name it. Pretty irresponsible on my part, but I let it take over me to the point my body was just physically rejecting him. All I wanted to do was just leave and not have to face him anymore. And it hurt. Hawks was my first everything, we always talked. But now, or may I say then, it felt like he wouldn’t understand.” You confess.

   Doctor Marie nods and takes notes on her small pad, “Interesting, when you say your body felt like it was physically rejecting Hawks what do you mean by that?” She asks.

   You shrug sinking deeper into the couch, “I didn’t wanna see him, feel him, smell him.. touch him.” Your voice trailed off, it made your stomach churn.

   “How’s that make you feel Hawks?”

   Again, very loaded question.

   Keigo shook his head, racking up his thoughts before he spoke, “I-I felt shitty, like I was doing something wrong. I use to go to work and think I was missing a step, it wasn’t the fact that she didn’t wanna touch me that bothered me, I understand at that time sex can’t fix everything. But when the person who shared everything with you just doesn’t even want your presents around them anymore - it hurts. It made me feel like she didn’t love me anymore. There was a time I didn’t even love her, I couldn’t look at Y/N in the same light.”

   Your heart broke as you stared at the mahogany desk in front of you.   The whole session was filled with more questions, some going ever deeper till eventually it was over.The sessions were two times a week, and it got easier for the two. Slowly their relationship fell back in place, but the house they shared once felt different.

   The first time you stepped back into Keigo’s apartment you had to stop yourself. Looking back at the kitchen sink where most of your fights occurred, you dropped your bag off at the door.The place was filled with good and bad memories. But it was the bad memories that infested the place, eating away at the beautiful ones. And reminding the two of you why you hated each other.The both of you agreed on moving after couples therapy ended.

***

   You hug your old hero costume tightly to your chest, the fabric nuzzled up into your neck as your racked sobs fill the nearly empty bedroom of your apartment. Birby nuzzled at your feet whining.

    “Songbird are you - babe are you okay?” Keigo rushed to your side, and held you close. Noticing your costume in your quivering arms, as you started to slowly calm down he reaches for the costume with a concerning look, quietly asking for you to hand it over to him. You push the fabric lightly into his hands and wipe away your tears. “If it makes you feel better we can put it in a nice box full of other things, you can always look back at it. Or if it’s too much we can-“ you interrupt him and give him a reassuring smile. Your hand clutching onto his, rubbing small circles around his knuckles. “Throw it away. I had to come to terms that it’s over, I’m not crying because of my hero days being over. I’m just mourning the people I couldn’t save. That’s all babe.” You give him a peck on the cheek  and a gentle squeeze on his hand.

   A box full of those memories would simply just be a painful reminder, besides, being a hero was in the past for you. Now, you were entrusted with teaching the new generation of heroes.

    You feel his strong arms tighten around you.

 ***

   Time passed and the two of you eventually moved in all of your belongings and furniture from the old apartment.

    Now laying breathlessly beside one another underneath the cool bed sheets covered with sweat, slick and cum. This was the first time in a longtime, the two of you made love to one another. Breaking in the headboard against the wall, you wince at his touch.

    “Keigo..”

    “Our neighbors are gonna hate us in the morning.” He chuckles, a small smile grazing your lips. You allow his finger to trace circles over your shoulder blades, allowing them to wander over the small bruises that littered the base of your neck. “They probably already know your real name..” You giggle, pecking his lips. “That's bad.. because then I’d have to kill them.” He reminds you of the strict rules he must follow, but he was mainly joking. He made sure to find a place with soundproof walls.

    “Well, I’m sure you're right..” You feel his fingers run down to the curve of your thighs, stopping in between your legs. “Fuck..” You moan into his shoulder, “Fuck, songbird. I wanna hear you sing that song even louder. So wet for me, still so tight.” He growls into your ear.

    It had been so long since the two had any sort of intimacy, you apologized deeply to him.

    “I’m never gonna leave you again, Kid. It’s always going to be you.”

 ***

   Months passed and your relationship was now at its best, you smiled as he eagerly kissed your cheek.

    “Whoa birdbrain! What’s the hype.” You giggled as he lips peppered down our face, he only smiled and showed off his back. Pointing his thumbs at the now small wings, you gasped. “Kei! What the fuck happened!?” You exclaimed, he brushes you off and picks you by the thighs. “No time, don’t worry about it. No wings means shower sex!” He cheers, rushing towards the nearest bathroom. You sigh, throwing your arms around his shoulders.

    “Why can’t we just have a peaceful shower instead.”

    He stops and gently places you down on the bathroom counter, stepping back from between your legs and reaching down to the hem of his shirt, pulling the black and yellow fabric off. He looks like he is thinking when he smiles and kisses your forehead, “Tomorrow?”

    Holding out a pinky for shower sex, you smile back at him, wrapping your pinky around his. “I promise tomorrow.” You begin to strip off your clothes for the day, watching as he turns on the shower head, tapping at the modes and setting the temperature to hot.

   Later on as you feel his hands run through the roots of your hair you feel the sense of calmness, smiling and humming at his actions. You start to feel a tickle in your nose, “Babe. I’m gonna sneeze..” You warn, who knew a sneeze would be so... deadly that day.

    In a matter of seconds the electricity in the apartment complex went out, and the water short circuited. Keigo stood behind you, dazed at the sudden shock.

    “Babe! I’m so sorry!” You apologized, tugging at his puffed hair. He laughed in shock, before stuttering out the words, “Y-your q-q-quirk.. paid a-a v-visit.” You gave a weak laugh, wrapping a towel around him and you as well.

    “Guess it did.”

 ***

   You made a doctor's appointment for the next day and was told indeed your quirk came back, that the possible medication had something to do with it’s delay. But you were also given extra news; you were expecting.

    You smiled down at your tummy awaiting for Keigo to come back from his agency, though he was out of commission still didn’t mean he didn’t have work. He came back through the door with a smile, “So songbird, what’d they say.”

    He pecks your cheek pulling off his jacket and gloves, “Well they said that the lab results do say that it’s positive that my quirk came back, it also says that it decided to probably show up now because I off all those medications and don’t have much stress anymore from after the accident. They themselves don;t know exactly how, initially the reports stated  that there were no signs of my quirk. So I must be lucky!”

    “Well that’s great! That means you can come back and kick some ass again!” He cheers walking towards the kitchen, though he still wasn’t keen on the idea of just throwing you out to the public again. Because you worked at his agency before he’d probably have you doing small work. He couldn’t lose his songbird again.

    You shook your head though, “Actually, I think I might just fully retire from all hero work. And stick to teaching, besides the doctor says it wouldn’t be good for the baby.” You grin, hoping he’d catch your drift.

    He stopped dead in his tracks, processing your words. And slowly turning back to face you, a huge grin plastered on his face.

    “It wouldn’t be good for the baby. You’re pregnant?”

    You nod, “Three weeks along. Besides, I love my job teaching, I just love my kids.”

    He runs out to you and engulfs you in a large hug, you feel tears start to stain your shirt. Your hand caressing his soft hair, running your fingers through his locks to calm him, “I thought I lost you.” His words tremble, you smile softly. “Never.” 

BONUS:

Five years later…

    “Alright kids! Have a good weekend, I’ll see you all tomorrow!” Y/N exclaimed, waving goodbye to her students for the weekend. She pulls out her chair from behind her desk, finishing up her work, when she hears the click of her door opening. The person behind it seemed to be having trouble opening the door, cocking a brow and tilting her head to the right, she smiles.

   “You need help?” 

   She grins when small feathers appear, and a small five year old boy waddles in. A bouquet of flowers covering his face, as he makes his way towards his mom.

    “No mommy, I got it! We got you flowers!”

    You gasp, “Oh baby! Thank you, what are you doing here? I thought you were still at school?” She gathers the flowers out of his small hands and admires the boy, he was a blessing. With his father's quirk, and hair, even his eyes. He was a carbon copy of your husband (That’s right the two got married after the birth of their son) and oh how much you loved the two of them.

    “Daddy picked me up early because I had a tummy ache, and then he gave me medicine when we got home and now I feel better! So we decided to get you flowers and visit you!” He grins, sipping from his red sippy cup in his hand. Drinking away at the juice his father poured for him, Y/N grins, “Well where’s daddy now?”

   At that exact moment, in appeared her husband. Opening the door to her classroom once more and placing a small kiss to her forehead. “Hey bird.” He grins picking up his kid and balancing him on his hip, “We missed mommy so we came to see you.” He pouts, earning a giggle from the boy.

    “I missed my boys too.”

    “Mommy! Daddy even taught me how to fly, he dropped me off the balcony and at first I was falling-” 

   Keigo’s eyes bugged nearly out of his head, placing his gloved hand over his son's mouth. Muffling his words, “Well! Would you look at that! It’s time for us to leave, sorry we gotta cut this short-”

    “YOU THREW MY SON OFF A SEVENTY FOOT BALCONY BY HIMSELF!?”

     “He was fine!” 

[lemonandpeachess]

Small Moments

Pairing: Wrecker x Female Reader

Rating: G

Word Count:2,220

Summary: You and the squad have a little bit of downtime before completing a job from Cid. This time allow you to think ahead for the future of the squad, and of Omega. 

AN: I hope you all enjoy! This is my first bit of writing in a long time so we’re keeping it pretty simple. xx

Gif credits to the owner <3 

The noise was no stranger to you, the deep and seemingly endless drumming above your head. An icy coolness slips into your skin underneath your clothes, your eyes slipping shut at the sensation. While for the most part you enjoy your time on the ship with your crew and it feels just as much of a home as you could ask for, it did have its drawbacks. The closest thing to a simple rainfall you got to experience while cruising through space were meteor showers, and landing in the middle of one of those was not the most relaxing experience. You feel a small, hand wrap itself into your own, giving it a small squeeze. Your eyes cast down and you smile at the sweet brown eyes peering up at you from beneath wet, blonde curls. Omega has her hood over her head, holding down the side with her opposite hand against the wind.

“I sort of missed the rain (y/n).” She says, looking up at the sky and smiling, the raindrops sprinkling down on the two of you. You lift your head back up, sticking out your tongue. Omega looks at you, her brow furrowed. “What are you doing?”

“Catching raindrops. You can do it with snowflakes too. We used to do it on my home planet when I was small.” The tiny clone follows your actions, laughing as she lets go of your hand and makes a show of running around you, catching the water droplets from above.

You were thankful that for both the sake of you and the squad, and for Omega herself, that she had taken the business of being a part of the team so seriously. The young one dove into everything that was ever handed to her, from Hunter’s hand to hand combat routines, to Tech and Echo’s near constant technological learning. She was a fighter, and a determined one at that.

Your heart was heavy at times however, thinking about how she was still a child. She should be able to enjoy the things children enjoy. The sweet, small things that with adulthood and the burdens of growing up, we all tended to forget and appreciate. You took it upon yourself to make your training for Omega to be how enjoy things she could not before, to make her feel like she wasn’t restricted, or stripped of her curiosity. You encouraged it.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, my data shows that the atmosphere on this planet coupled with the local vegetation means excessive consumption of precipitation could lead to harmful side effects.” Tech says as he walks past, guiding his scanner around you as he too gets off the ship. You purse your lips and look down at your small companion once more, chuckling.

“Bit of rain won’t hurt you.” Hunter says as he comes up behind the two of you, handing Omega her small backpack you had found for her at a market during your last job for Cid. You wanted her to have something of her own and found some amenities to put in it as well. Some new fresh clothes, and a small toolkit among other things, including her beloved clone trooper doll. “We should get inside though. Cid said we can stay at her camp here before we continue to the other side of the planet for the exchange tomorrow. We can’t proceed until late morning at least. Best to get some rest while we can.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice Sarge.” Wrecker yells from the belly of the ship. You hear his footsteps as he barrels down the gangway and feel him join you both. He grabs your own pack from your shoulder and puts it over his own, its size shrinking against his broad form. “You and the kid take your time, beautiful. I can take our stuff inside.”

“Wreck I can take that, it’s just a few things.” You laugh, grabbing for your pack. He dodges your efforts and keeps walking forward, turning to wink at you as he follows his brothers. You huff out another laugh and lead Omega towards the cleared path in the forest. “Well, I guess I’ll just escort you then my lady. I’ll get you settled in in Hunter’s room before I join them so we can go over the mission details for tomorrow.”

“Can’t I be there? I want to know what’s going on tomorrow too!” Omega asks, her shoulders slumping down a moment under her cloak. You squeeze her hand and nod.

“Alright Omega, you can come with me. We’ll drop your pack off and then find our way. Just be weary. I’m not sure what kind of mission this will be or what Hunter’s plans for you are. This may be one you need to sit out, for all I know the both of us might be sticking behind. You’re a part of the squad so I see no issue of you being there. Just be ready to play the part Hunter and the others have planned.” You tell her. Thankfully, Hunter had begun to allow her a little more freedom with her involvement in missions. There were still runs Cid sent you on however that weren’t worth the risk.

“I promise I will!” She says, saluting you. You look ahead as a clearing broke out of the path and you see a glassed-in observatory style station come into view. It looked like a two-story home, perfectly rectangular in shape. The walls were made completely of glass, save for the metal framing around the edges and planforms, holding the building above the ground. You imagined the views of the forest were breathtaking from inside. You had to give it to her, Cid had taste. 

“(y/n)? Can I ask just one question before we go in?”

“Go on Omega, I’m listening.” You answer, still looking towards your quarters for the night.

“What are snowflakes?” ***** You sigh as you enter the code to your keypad Wrecker directly behind you as you all retired to your rooms after the mission briefing. Omega left in happy spirits with Hunter as he had a part for her to play in this mission, the situation being a simple drop-off of supplies with payment, nothing too messy. Since Omega had paid off all your debt with Cid, you were able to stick to more low-profile jobs while you figured out a new plan regarding Omega’s safety and the unsettling end of the war.

“The kid seemed happy that she has a job to do with us. I like when she’s able to come out in the field with us.” Wrecker says, starting to take off his uniform. You cross your arms over your chest, still a little chilled from the rain as you look out. You were right before, as the whole building, including your room, was surrounded by windows. Thick, one-way, bulletproof windows, as Tech made sure to point out, given who owned it. It really was a beautiful sight.

The view made it easy to look out into the forest, the leaves on the branches, bright from the rain and crisp air. The foliage swayed back and forth with the wind, creating the most soothing hushing sound, mother natures lullaby. Accompanied of course by what had to be some type of owls, their deep calls coming from their nests in the surrounding trees. Open space had a soothing effect to most. It’s infinite darkness with specks of light, but to you, it was far too quiet. No outside noises penetrated the thick hull of the Havoc Marauder, only the synthetic beeps and whirs of the engines going off in the night could soothe you in the deafening moments.

“I know that ain’t true, you smacked me in the face with your pillow the other night cause you said I was snorin’ too loudly.” Wrecker points out, lifting his chest piece over his head, his upper body now free of the extra weight. You hadn’t realized that you were thinking out loud, though you often did it around Wrecker. He was your partner, for a couple years now. Hunter, Crosshair, Tech, and Echo you trusted with your life. With Wrecker, you trusted him with your life and your heart. You take his chest piece from his hand and set it in the trunk he had carried in along with your bag. “

That is different!” You laugh, coming back to take the final pieces of his suit, leaving him just in his black thermal set. You lay the final piece into the trunk and sit on a chair that faces the windows. “This place reminds me of things I love. The birds, the trees, the smell of the rain. You can’t find that in space big guy. I’m glad we’re able to take Omega with us to these different planets and worlds. It’s important she knows about the world and everything in it. Good and bad. I just try my bests to let her see the good to remember during those bad times. She’s going to have to fight for a lot in her life, an unfair amount…”

“Hey, listen-“You feel Wrecker stand behind you, putting one hand on your shoulder and gesturing for your other one. You put your hand in his and bring the warm top side of his to your lips, kissing it gently. His hands dwarfed your own, as he did most parts of you. You were always safe when you were with him, and you knew if he wasn’t near, it wouldn’t take much to have him barreling towards you at any moment when you needed him. “We’re gonna look after Omega. We made it this far, I’ll stand in front of anyone that tries to hurt her… Or take her away.”

“I know you would Wreck, we all would. She just adores and admires you all.” You say, his fingers grazing your cheek as you speak. You were honest too. If your run in with the bounty hunters wasn’t enough, you knew in your heart that child was probably the most protected thing in the galaxy.

“She likes you a lot too ya know. She tells me all the time.”

“Does she?” You smile to yourself. The word ‘love’ was seldom used around the ship, usually only regarding Mantell mix by a select few. The feeling was always present of course, the brothers all loved each other, and as the time went on, it extended to both yourself and Omega as well. Wrecker had told you after he told you he loved you for the first time in your relationship, that it was the first time he had said it to someone in such a way.

“She does. She thinks your beautiful, and smart and kind. I like her, she’s a smart kid.” Wrecker lets go of your hand and comes around to the front of your chair. You barely have a moment to look up before he picks you up into his arms like you were nothing, carrying you to the plush bed that was made up in the middle of the room. He sets you down gently and crawls into bed with you. 

“Cause I think you’re beautiful, kind, and smart too.”

You laugh and prop yourself up a little more as Wrecker settles beside you, who is also sitting up to look at you. You extend your hand and cradle his face in your hand, your thumb brushing along his cheekbone. Before you can reply you feel a yawn manifest in your throat before it escapes, your hand covering your mouth as you try and keep your gaze on your favourite trooper.

“Am I that boring?” He chuckles. You swing your legs back over the edge of the bed, starting to unhook your boots. Wrecker gets up from the bed again and walks to your pack, grabbing your sleep pants from it.

“No Wreck of course not. I’m sorry, I just feel really tired suddenly.” You reply, pulling off your boots and setting them beside the bed, keeping them close just in case. You feel his hands slip under your shirt and you let him lift the fabric from your body, leaving you in just a worn sports bra. As you wiggle out of your tactical pants, he hands you the black sweatpants and you slip them on, relishing in the feel of the soft fabric. You never seem to realize how tired your body is until you properly stop for a moment.

“It’s okay baby, it’s been a while since we had a break. Even when we do, you’re always doing something for us, or for Omega.” He says, joining you in bed again. You lay back on his chest, relaxing into him as you look out the array of windows and out into the wilderness around you. You wished you had time to explore more, and to enjoy your time there, but you could already feel sleep tugging you down, not being helped by Wrecker’s fingers grazing up and down you arm.

“I know- but I still wish we had some extra time. We haven’t had a lot of time together either, just the two of us. I’m sorry I’m wasting it.” You sigh, fingers dancing over his chest.

“Don’t worry (y/n).”  Wrecker takes his arm around you and rolls you onto his chest, almost laying you almost on top of him, kissing that spot on your neck that makes your heart thrum. “There’s always the morning. You know how much I like breakfast.”

[softtrobed]

hm would you write a fic about annie coming out to jeff? i love their friendship and brother/sister relationship :)

thank you so much for this request! i honestly got a bit emotional writing this. annie coming out to jeff is something that can honestly be so personal...

there's some focus on annie coming out to other members of the study group, but it does mainly focus on her and jeff. i hope that's okay :)

Annie had decided to come out to her friends in the same way she tended to do most things: efficiently and beginning by making a list.

Well, she supposed the most efficient way would be to come out to all of them at the same time, but this way would be more effective in the long run. She knew they’d all have very different reactions, different questions to ask, different levels of surprise, so if they all found out at once, most likely no one’s questions would get answered (not just the ones she would politely ignore), the group would start talking over each other, someone would yell at Pierce and it would almost be forgotten what the point of the conversation even was. This way, although it would take longer, everyone would hopefully be satisfied.

She told Troy and Abed first. That was the easiest, as because the two were a couple, she had no doubt they’d be accepting. Additionally, in the time they’d lived together, she had a feeling they’d already picked up on some of her not-so-straight behaviours: the girl-crushes she formed on the pretty women in the movies they watched together and her disinterest or non-romantic affection towards the men she knew she was ‘supposed’ to swoon over; the way she giggled and twirled her hair while on the phone with a certain girl from Greendale she’d recently reconnected with; the one time she didn’t delete her search history from the apartment computer and Abed may or may not have seen her recent searches, which included among others, ‘am I gay test,’ ‘comphet meaning’ and ‘can you be straight but think girls are really pretty and rarely have long lasting feelings for men?’

She’d come out to them over breakfast one day, and they basically had the best response she could have wished for. They were totally cool with it, but didn’t make it a big deal. They joked about how she was no longer the token straight roommate, she hugged both of them, and the day went on as normal.

Annie had crossed their names off her list with a big smile on her face.

Next had been Britta. Annie had also guessed that she’d be accepting, as what had happened with Paige last year had been a bit misguided but well-intentioned. At least Annie didn’t have to worry about Britta only wanting to be her friend because she was a lesbian, because they were already friends, and Annie suspected Britta had learned her lesson.

As expected, Britta reacted well. Perhaps too well, loudly proclaiming her supporting for the LGBTQ community before asking a string of questions about what it was like dating girls and if kissing them was different if you were sobre and/or not doing it to prove you weren’t homophobic. Annie explained she didn’t know - she actually hadn’t kissed a girl yet - but did wonder if Britta’s questions weren’t just due to her being an ally. She could be wrong, but she had read something about queer people having a way of spotting each other. Still, it wasn’t her place to assume anything, and she put the thought out of her mind as she crossed off Britta’s name.

Next was Jeff. This was a bit trickier. Once again, she didn’t think Jeff would be at all homophobic (unless he turned out to be one of those men who only viewed relationships between women as hot, but she’d cross that bridge if she came to it), but coming out to him made her nervous for another reason. Ever since they’d kissed at the Transfer Dance, his feelings for her had seemed unclear. At first, he’d seemed determined to forget it ever happened - which she’d found unfair at the time, but now appreciated - but lately, it was possible he had actually become interested in her. It felt… really weird, when she thought about it for too long. Not only was she definitely not interested in him, but, partially due to their age gap, their relationship felt too close to a father-daughter or older brother-younger sister relationship to be romantic. Sometimes she wondered why she’d ever liked him like that at all.

Although, since she’d extensively researched what comphet was and realised that was undoubtedly what she’d been experiencing, she could understand a bit better she’d never really liked him to begin with, she’d just latched onto a seemingly unattainable man to convince herself she could be attracted to guys, yet again.

As everyone packed up their stuff to leave the study room, Annie remained seated. “Um, Jeff,” she said. “We’ve both got a free period now, right?”

“Right,” Jeff replied, not looking up from his phone.

“Would you mind if I talked to you about something?”

He looked at her curiously. “Yeah, sure.”

Troy, Abed and Britta had clearly all realised what was going on. Abed gave her a small, supportive smile, Troy gave a quick thumbs up, and Britta winked in a way Annie guessed was meant to be subtle, but no doubt everyone in the room saw.

“Come on, guys,” she said, ushering the others out of the room. “This sounds important, and private, and we’ve all got classes to get to.”

Shirley stopped, muttering that she’d forgotten a textbook, but Britta practically pushed her out of the door as Abed said in a deep voice, seeming to have taken the opportunity to act like a security guard, “Keep it moving.”

Annie smiled as she watched them leave, her friends dramatics a pleasant distraction from what she was about to do. She turned back to Jeff to see he’d put his phone down. Clearly, he knew this was serious. “So,” he said. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Annie opened her mouth, let out a squeak, then closed it. This was going to be difficult. Maybe she should have just come out to everyone at the same time, the consequences be damned. That way, she would have got it all over with at once.

“Annie, is everything okay?” Jeff sounded so genuine in his concern, a relatively rare sight. “You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you?”

“No, everything’s fine,” she assured him, finding her voice, but he didn’t look convinced. She took a deep breath. “I was thinking recently about that time we kissed.” He looked confused for a second. Didn’t he remember that night? Not that she cared, of course. “You know? During the dance at the end of our first year? I had just decided not to move to Delaware with Vaughn-”

“Right, right,” he cut her off. “I remember. Sorry, go ahead.”

“Thank you,” she said curtly. “So, I’ve been thinking about our kiss, and-”

Once more, he interrupted her. This was just getting annoying. “Annie, look, I know I’ve been giving… pretty mixed signals about my feelings for you, or if I even have any, but lately I’ve taken a good look at myself, and realised that it would never really feel right to be with you. For many reasons, none of which are your fault. It’s just that you’re much younger than me, and you often feel like a little sister to me - as well as a friend, of course - so I’m sorry, but-”

“Jeff.” Her firm tone silenced him.

There, she thought. How does it feel to be interrupted?

“I don’t want to be with you either!”

“Really?” he checked. “Because it wouldn’t be your fault if you did, I’m the one who needs to keep whatever feelings I have for you in check. Plus, I mean, I wouldn’t blame you…”

She rolled her eyes, but a smile began creeping onto her face. “I swear. I was going to say that I’ve been thinking about that kiss because of how, back then, I thought I really liked you. In a romantic way, I mean. But recently, I’ve realised that I just made myself think I liked you, even loved you. I wanted to convince myself I could be attracted to men, so just like with Troy in high school, I picked an unattainable - or so I thought - man. In his case: someone cool and popular who I thought would never notice ‘little Annie Aderal.’ With you, a cool, older guy who just saw me as a child.”

“Annie.” Jeff’s tone was serious but not annoyed. “Are you saying what I think you are?”

She nodded, her lips a thin line. “I’m a lesbian, Jeff. I really hope this doesn’t change things between us, although, honestly, knowing you don’t want to be with me is a big relief, because I was worried I’d break your heart or make things weird, but…” She paused. She was getting ahead of herself. “Well, have I made things weird?”

“Of course you haven’t! Thank you for telling me, that was really brave, especially if you thought I was still interested in you.”

“Thanks,” she said. She quickly added, “It’s not that I thought you’d react really badly. I don’t see you as someone who thinks he’s somehow entitled to any women he has feelings for, but still… I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He stood up, walking around to her side of the table, presumably to remove the physical and metaphorical distance between them, and gesturing for her to stand up as well, which she did. “You haven’t hurt me at all, Annie, I promise. I care about you, so much, even - no, especially - as a friend, and I just want you to be happy. Even if I was madly in love with you - which, thankfully, I’m not - I could never be upset at you, or anyone, for this.”

Annie could feel tears forming in her eyes. “Aww, Jeff!” She practically threw herself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug which he happily returned, laughing.

“Okay, we don’t have to make this all dramatic,” he said, but Annie was sure he sounded a bit choked up.

They came apart, smiling at each other for a few seconds before Jeff hesitantly reached out and gave her a pat on the head. “For old time’s sake,” he explained.

Annie had never felt happier while being given a head pat, which didn’t say much, she knew, but it was accurate, as she’d probably felt happier in general at some point in her life. Still, this was definitely in her top ten.

That night, she crossed off Jeff’s name, remembering the days she would doodle hearts as she wrote down his name, or paired her first and his last. This time, she instead drew a little smiley face. That was far more accurate, she thought. The thought of Jeff no longer made her heart flutter in her chest, but he made her smile, and she was more than happy with that.

[naktergalen]

Rivamika Fic Suggestions List 2

Hey there again! It’s been a while since my last rivamika post and I apologies for that. I caught the reading bug and have just been hitting book after book. I might be doing a book of the month suggestion starting in March. I’m still thinking about it but if that is something your interested in let me know. Or if you just want book suggestions just message or ask me. But for now, I’m back with my second Rivamika Fic Suggestions List.

First of all, I want to thank you for all the comments and messages I received from my first list! I think it has over 150 notes now which is crazy for me. I was going to be ecstatic if it got like 10 likes or something hahaha! I’ve enjoyed talking to some of you about fics and other snk stuff. Feel free to do the same after this post! I know I take awhile to respond but swear I get there eventually.

Same rules as last time. I’ve split this list up into four categories. I wanted to let people know the status of some of these fics in case they did not want to start an incomplete or in progress story. All of these fics can be found on AO3. I’m going to try to link them but we will see how tumblr acts today. If you have any fic suggestions for me, feel free to message me with them and I can add them on to the next list. If any author sees their story on here and wants me to take it off the list, please let me know I don’t wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Also, last thing, I highly recommend leaving comments and kudos to the authors. I know that they greatly appreciate it and it helps them with improving their writing through feedback. Okay shutting up now, ON WITH THE LIST!

DISCLAIMER: I know that not all of these stories are not for everyone, these are just my opinions and suggestions.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Completed:

- Thunder Clouds

Author: K_Lionheart

Rating: Mature

Sometimes I like to go to the very back of the Rivamika archive on AO3 and look for fics that have gotten buried over time. Low and behold what I have found lol! I enjoyed the emotional roller coaster when I was reading this fic, though sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out. Set after the titans are gone, humanity has to repopulate so arranged couples by the monarch are made to be wed. While this new order is being enforced, Mikasa and Levi are trying to work out their strained relationship. A slow burn with angst that will have you staying up till 3am dying to know what happens next. I know that there is a sequel to this fic called Nimbus and I’m slowly working my way through that one. Honestly, it will probably go on my next list.

- Red is the Only Colour

Author: mongoose_bite

Rating: Mature

A cute fic that was a quick but wild ride. A Little Red Riding Hood type of AU where Mikasa is a hunter of some sorts traveling through a town. I don’t want to say how Levi plays into all of this since it gets border line spoilers but just know that he is there. It is an opening ending fic for the author to come back if they plan on doing so but it can be interpreted in different ways. All in all, a fic worth of the quick read.

- Sing Me a Song

Author: LazyTrash

Rating: Mature

First I have to get this off my chest, I love the author’s name hahaha! I freakin wished I would have thought of that for mine! Anyway, this fic is wonderful but I will warn you that its a gut punch. If you like hurt and angst put together, then this is the story for you. I love these types of fics because I adore them so much but they hurt me in my soul. I don’t know what that says about me but whatever. I don’t want to delve into the story too much for spoilers but I would suggest rivamika fans to check this one out.

- Midnight Musings

Author: Raewyll

Rating: Teen

I just started to read Raewyll’s fics so I’m slowly working my way through all her works. This one caught my eye and I had to read it. This is a cute take on a chance meeting through texting the wrong number. I love the way Levi and Mikasa’s relationship blossoms into something more serious after causally texting back and forth. It’s one of those stories that I can only describe as being cute as shit! I’m definitely going to be checking out more of Raewyll’s fic in the future.

Ongoing:

- Beyond the Walls

Author: helena3190

Rating: Matue

If you love RIvamika angst, then look no further than this baby right here. This is currently my favorite ongoing fic. It was supposed to be a shorter story, but the author keeps adding more chapters so I’m not complaining hahaha! This fic is pretty much how I would *personally* picture canon Mikasa on how she would deal with realizing that she’s falling in love with someone. Its mostly told in the perspective of Mikasa as she is dealing with the after effects of war and trying to figure out what should she do with her life now that she is no longer a solider. Her feeling for Levi come with a lot of confusion as she’s discovering emotions that she has never felt before. She has a hard time pinpointing on what exactly describes her relationship with him. I’m anxiously waiting for the final chapter for this fic and dying to see how it will end for Mikasa and Levi.

- After the War

Author: loneackerman

Rating: Mature

I am loving this rivamika slow burn fic right here. Its similar to Beyond the Walls but I think the author adds their own taste of the 1920s into it. Set after the war is over (obviously), Mikasa and Levi have to figure out what they are going to do the rest of their lives. It has great tension, a perfectly paced gradual romance and just the right amount of humor to combat the emotional turmoil it puts you through. Again in my opinion, this is close to how I would realistically perceive Levi and Mikasa’s relationship evolving. I’m really enjoying this story and I’m looking forward to more updates to come!

- The Sound of Lightning

Author: LycheeGreenTea

Rating: Mature

A new fic that is just getting started but I can tell that what the author has in store is going to be interesting. Set several years after the end of the war, Levi and Mikasa are loving parents to a single child. Their peaceful life comes to an end when the family has a threat against them. There are not many long fics about Mikasa and Levi being parent so I was very happy when this one popped up on the AO3 feed. An exciting adventure awaits the Ackerman family now and I can’t wait to see where this fic goes in the future. There are three chapters as of now so head over there and check it out.

Incomplete:

- Home

Author: MissErikaCourt

Rating: Mature

One of the gems I found when diving back into the Rivamika archive. Ugh I HATE that this fic is incomplete!!! Its a good long fic but I’m greedy and I need more! I will give a warning first that this fic does contain heavy themes. Mikasa and Levi are in the underground to fight against a criminal ring. This story is a slow burn with action and emotional trauma. There is a wonderfully written OC that you easily get attached to its not even funny. Even though its not completed, I would highly recommend checking it out. I still have three more chapters to finish but I had to put it on this list. I know that I’m going to be pissed once I reach the last chapter written. If someone know MissErikaCourt, let her know that she needs to comeback to finish this masterpiece!

- Shiver

Author: bornsinner

Rating: Mature

Another one that I DISPISE its incomplete!!! Ugh such a great Office AU. It’s everything that I would want in an Office AU setting. Mikasa struggles between her committed long term relationship and her growing attraction (which starts to develop into some feelings) to her boss, Levi. Its hot, sexy and intriguing and it pisses me off that its not finished! The author writes each chapter as a one-shot but collectively together they tell the whole story. Highly recommend even though its so short. BORNSINNER where ever you are in the universe I hope you come back to finish this!!!

- Two Lines

Author: Crejhov

Rating: Mature

When this was getting updated it was my favorite on-going Rivamika fic. I would find myself checking to see if the author updated with a new chapter every week! The unplanned pregnancy trope is a classic one, but Crejhov does a fantastic job on keeping readers enthralled with soo many anticipated character meet up that are bound to cause hurdles for our expecting parents. This story is told from the perspectives of Mikasa and Levi in order for us to understand where their mindsets are as they plan for their expecting child and deal with their relationship. AHHHHH I want more of this!!! I was soo excited to see where this awkward journey was going to take Mikasa and Levi. CREJHOV COME BACK PLEASE I KNOW YOU HAVE WORK BUT PLEAAASEEEE! I NEEEEEEDDDD!!!

- Cabin Fever

Author: AmayaOkami

Rating: Mature

All I should have to say about this is that its written by AmayaOkami and that should explain it. Amaya is the one that gave us the beautiful incomplete rivamika fic Romance and Rivalry. I just adore her writing. Levi and Mikasa relationship evolves as they are standing guard over the arrested Kenny Ackerman. Secrets are discover about the Ackermans and it gets pretty steamy between our two favs. Great fluff and great sexual tension that leaves you wanting more chapters! Again AmayaOkami where ever you went I hope for some miracle that you come back and complete this one too!

One-Shot:

- Jade

Author: shulkie

Rating: Mature

This one-shot feels like I read a novel, it has such a great storyline. An arranged marriage between Mikasa and Levi leaves the relationship strained in the beginning. Their relationship evolves over time as Levi patiently brings down Mikasa’s wall. With smut added for all of your one-shot needs. Definitely worth the read in my opinion.

- What Remains

Author: Mirime

Rating: Mature

This one-shot gives us a glimpse into the secret relationship that Levi and Mikasa have been having while there are still scouts. This fic is sad but I would say it has a bittersweet ending. I think this was supposed to be part of a collection but I can’t find the rest of them. Still a great read by itself.

- Agape

Author: alienheartattack (Sanneke)

Rating: Mature

This fic is cute as shit! A College AU where Mikasa and Levi are childhood friends. Levi has to deal with Mikasa being at the same college as him while he is struggling with his changing feelings towards a grown up Mikasa. Worth the read as I said cute as shit, leaves you all warm and fuzzy lol!

- As Seen in Shadows

Author: MoraLeeWright

Rating: Explicit

FUCKING MORA! LEE! WRIGHT! UFFFFGGHHH Fuck I’m in love with her writing style. I really have nothing to say more that just go read it! Its hot and sexy and the sexual tension is off the fucking charts in this one. Its just MoraLeeWright smut thats all I can say. It’s great! JUST READ IT LMAO!

- Remedy

Author: NSummer

Rating: Mature

Another hot smut one-shot coming your way! Levi and Mikasa have had an ongoing affair and this just recounts their first time together. Its just some good ol’ Rivamika smut that I think that everyone in this community would enjoy.

- Nutty: Drunk in Love

Author: Hallow17

Rating: Mature

A fun smut to read about Mikasa getting “revenge” on her asshole boss, Levi. Things don’t go the way she plans as things get a little heated in the sexy way. A quick smut that I think is perfect for a little Rivamika crave.

- Spicy: Jalapeno

Author: Hallow17

Rating: Explicit

Another fun smut to read by Hallow17. Levi has been stressed out at work and Mikasa finds a way to help him get his mind off it (if you know what i mean). Again perfect for a Rivamika quick fix.

[ohgodmyeyes]

Hot Wax (Like A Band-Aid)

Luke Skywalker x Reader, 2k words. Modern AU? Mature, but no sex.

Summary: Your infallibly sweet husband, Luke, helps you wax your pussy because you’re too pregnant to do it yourself.

...

"I— um, I'm not sure about this anymore. This stuff is hot."

"Come on, Luke! You promised you'd help!"

Luke looked up at you from between your legs, desperation writ on his face. He had to peek around your belly to do it— you were about eight months pregnant right now, which was why you'd enlisted his help with this in the first place. He might have been nervous, but you weren't about to let him back out now... especially given the fact that it was his baby whose steady growth was preventing you from performing your usual hair-removal ritual.

"I just— I mean, I don't want to hurt you. And anyway, you know I don't care whether or not you—"

"I care," you interrupted him, from your spot on the living room couch. "I like how it feels with no hair down there, and anyway, you've already trimmed everything down to the right length— you don't want to quit with the job only half-finished, do you?" Appealing to Luke's sense of duty, you thought, was the most effective way to get him to do something he didn't really want to do.

"Trimming it was easy," he mumbled, seemingly to himself, as he peered back between your legs as if to examine his own work. "This seems... I don't know, dangerous." He paused. "...You didn't really used to do this by yourself, did you?"

"Of course I used to do it by myself," you told him. You weren't crazy about the idea of a stranger removing the hair from your vulva; you'd always shaved or waxed it yourself. Now that you couldn't see the area in question well enough to perform the task, Luke was the next best option— whether he thought he was or not. "Now, hurry up and start putting it on before it gets too cool. The sooner you get to it, the sooner it'll be over."

Luke sighed in defeat. He was sweet, you thought— sometimes almost too sweet. When you'd told him you needed help with something, he'd agreed right away, before even asking what it was you needed him to do. He was probably thinking, now, that he'd made a mistake; however, you knew that with the right amount of reassurance, he'd do a fine job of grooming your pussy. Luke was good at nearly everything he tried, and you were sure this would be no exception.

"...Alright," he conceded. "Alright, fine. But if I screw up, you're not allowed to get mad, okay?"

"You won't screw up! You'll do just fine." You spread your legs as widely as you could, and went on to instruct him, "Just gather some of the wax up on the little stick, and spread it into a line wherever you want to start. Leave it for a minute or two, and once it's hard enough that it makes a noise when you tap it with your fingernail, it's ready to be pulled off."

"Won't that hurt?" he asked, the concern in his voice coming through loud and clear.

"Of course it'll hurt, but only for a second."

"What if you yell? What if there's blood? ...Wait, this can't hurt the baby, can it?"

"I might yell, but there won't be any blood," you told him. "And no, there's no way this can hurt the baby." You placed a hand gently upon your stomach and smiled. "I think she's asleep right now, anyway," you added. "She won't even notice."

He laughed despite himself. "Still think it's a girl, huh?"

You hadn't opted to find out the sex of your baby; you'd both agreed a surprise was a lot more fun. You had a feeling you were carrying a girl, although Luke happened to disagree.

"I do," you said. "It's just a feeling I have, though— we'll find out soon enough."

"I still can't believe you're doing this for us," he said, peeking around your belly and back up at you one more time. "You're going to be a fantastic mom, you know."

"I'm glad you think so... but you wanna know what I think?"

"What?" he asked, flashing you one of his loveliest smiles.

"I think you're going to be a fantastic esthetician. As long as you don't let the wax get too cold."

"Okay, okay! You just want me to start, then?"

"That's exactly what I want."

He shook his head and sighed again, but that sweet smile didn't leave his face. "Okay. I'm going to start at the bottom, and work my way up. Does that sound alright?"

"Sounds fine to me, Luke. Don't worry, it'll be over in no time."

He went to work, after that— just like he said he would, he started at the bottom, with what felt like an appropriately-thin strip of wax in just the right position. He was quiet while he waited for it to harden, and so were you. Your hand stayed on your belly; the baby still seemed to be asleep.

Luke was going to be a wonderful dad, you thought absently as you waited for that first strip to cool— he'd proven to you over and over throughout the course of your relationship that he was willing to do just about anything for the people he loved. Waxing your pussy was just the most recent manifestation of that willingness, and you appreciated it... especially considering that he didn't care whether you were fuzzy down there or not.

"Okay," he said, after a couple of minutes had passed. "I think it's ready. What do I do now?"

"Can you tap it with your fingernail?" you asked, just to confirm that it was, in fact, time to pull it off.

"Yeah, I can. Do I just... pull?"

"Hold the skin right below the edge of the wax so it's super-tight, and then rip it off as fast as you can."

"'Rip it off'?"

"Yep— just like a band-aid."

You heard him take a deep breath, and then he did exactly as you had told him: He held your skin tight with his fingertip, and proceeded to wrench the strip of wax right off of you. You shrieked, partly because you weren't the one doing it; partly, too, because it stung. It would have stung no matter who'd been doing it.

"I'm sorry!" he said. "Are you alright? I didn't mean to—"

"I'm fine," you laughed. "Actually, it felt exactly the way it's supposed to. How does it look?"

"Like your pussy has a bald spot."

"Well, then you'd better get started on the rest."

Having taken on a more serious expression (Luke always looked quite serious when he was hard at work on something), he glanced up at you, nodded, and went on to complete the task of rendering your pubic area perfectly smooth.

You didn't speak anymore so as not to distract him; he didn't say anything else either, except to confirm, periodically, that you were still alright. Every time you squeaked or squealed or otherwise showed even the slightest hint of discomfort, he looked up at you with concern; however, he didn't deviate from his task. By the time he'd worked his way up to the spot just beneath where your belly bulged out, he seemed as though he'd grown quite comfortable with the process.

"Looks like I'm just about done," he said, as he spread one last strip across your mound. "How do you feel?"

"A lot better," you answered, and that was the truth. Not being able to do this job for yourself happened to be one of your least favourite parts of being heavily pregnant. It was worth it, of course; you'd always wanted a family with Luke... but carrying a child did come with its fair share of frustrations and inconveniences. You were glad to have someone like him, who was willing to help you with whatever you needed, whenever you needed it.

Luke, you mused, was an infallibly sweet man— you'd always considered yourself very lucky to have him, and the fact that he was willing to do this for you only served to drive that point home.

By the time you'd finished contemplating how wonderful he was, he'd warned you that he was about to pull off the final wax strip. You told him to go right ahead, and so he did— and with one final pinch (and shriek), the task was complete.

"You have a pretty pussy," he said admiringly, running a finger along the edge of your outer labia. You looked around your belly and at his face; he was smiling again. It made you smile, too.

"Only thanks to you," you said. "I can't tell you how much it means to me that you helped me with that— it was driving me nuts."

"It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be," he admitted. "I just didn't want to hurt you— you, or the baby."

"You didn't," you said, heaving yourself back up into a seated position (Luke, being the gentleman that he was, helped you by taking your hand and giving it a gentle tug as you did). "We're both just fine. Although I do think I might have woken her up with all my yelling."

"She— I mean he— woke up? How do you know?" He got to his feet, and then sat down beside you on the couch, eyes trained on your stomach.

You gave him a look, and took his wrist in your hand. "She's kicking," you told him. "Right about... here." You placed his palm on the upper part of your belly, just a few inches above your navel. You couldn't actually tell if the baby was kicking or punching right now, but she was certainly doing something, and you had no doubt that her father would want to feel it, too.

He waited a few moments, staring curiously at his own hand. Then, all of a sudden, a broad smile completely overtook his features.

"Feel that?" you asked, with a grin of your own.

"Yeah— yeah, I did feel it!"

"Strong, isn't she?"

He appeared to think for a moment. "...Maybe you're right," he said. "Maybe it is a girl."

"What makes you say that?"

"All the strongest people I know are girls. You, my sister— my mom, too, from what my dad always tells me." He took his hand off your belly then, and leaned in closely to offer you a kiss. "Do you know how proud I'll be if our baby turns out to be even half the person you are?"

You looked into his eyes, which were absolutely brimming with love. Yes, you thought— you really were very lucky to have somebody like Luke to share your life with.

"Whether it's a boy or a girl," you said to him, "I hope they turn out to be just like you— kind and loving, and always willing to help anyone who needs them... even if the thing they need help with is kind of awkward." Like pussy-waxing, you thought. "You know that's why I fell in love with you in the first place, right?"

He blushed, which he'd always been prone to doing. "You're too nice to me," he said. "I just didn't want to hurt you— I wasn't going to tell you I couldn't do it without at least trying first."

"That's why you're a perfect husband, Luke... and it's why you're going to be a perfect dad, too."

You put your arms around him after that, and drew him in as closely as you could to give him a tight squeeze. He hugged you back, and went on to whisper something into your ear... something about heading to the bedroom, for the purpose of more thoroughly checking his work.

With a giggle, you nodded emphatically, and watched as he stood up. Once he'd deftly helped you to your feet, you sauntered off together hand-in-hand, down the hallway and in the direction of your favourite place to spend time together.

All of your 'spending time' together might have been the very reason you couldn't wax your own pussy today... however, not being able to see between your own legs for a few months was a tiny sacrifice, given all of the wonderful things that came with being tied to somebody as kind and generous as Luke.

[symphonyofthewrite]

Saw your post, getting stuff off your chest, I just wanted to say that I haven't seen the thing with the kids mentioned by anyone and it really stood out to me, I feel what you mean to some extent, because for me it was a stronger reaction, albeit you probably won't feel the same and that's, obviously, perfectly fine. I have an instant recoil these days whenever a character is around kids for like one second and everyone instantly goes "THEY LITERALLY ADOPTED THEM/THAT'S THEIR CHILD/THEY'RE A PARENT"... genuinely sick of it, and I went white as a sheet when I heard it, I wanted to pluck my eyes out. I don't know if it's an American thing but English speaking fandoms (well, those teeming with fancops that is) seem like they cannot process adult looking characters being in any near proximity to childlike characters without automatically imposing parenthood and family dynamics and it's becoming distressing to me. I feel like Alucard needed to process his trauma and learn to trust and be whole again, he's young himself too, why he needed to be a "father figure" all of a sudden is beyond me.

Thank you so much for the ask!! I don’t get many asks so it makes me happy when I can talk meta with people 💛💛 (Sorry I’m a bit late in answering.)

Funnily enough I actually do agree with you. I didn’t have quite so strong a reaction, but I definitely had a very similar one when I first hear it.

My feelings were and are a bit mixed. I was saying in my other post that I would have preferred that I got to actually see this interaction; see the kids run by him and call him father, and him smile when no ones looking. I still think that would have been a better, more touching way to do the scene, and would have had more chance of me liking it (though I probably still would have felt very weird about it). (I think it especially would have been better because it would show that Alucard himself liked it, not that Greta was forcing the role on him.) I know that it was meant to be something touching, and pretty much everyone seems to like it (and I have seen some cute posts about it), so I just tried to like it too, and focus on the fact that all they were really trying to say was he was having a nice relationship with the kids, and that was indeed sweet.

But yeah, when I heard Greta say “I heard some of them calling you father” for me it was less a reaction of horror, and more a “HUH??!!”moment. When I heard it I was like “Alucard...you agree with this???!! This is how you see yourself??!!” I almost expected Alucard to refute it and say he didn’t see himself as a father to them. Like I seriously do not see Alucard as anything remotely close to a father figure, and it felt weird and wrong to me.

Like when I saw him interacting with the kids the first time, I didn’t think “oh he’s a father figure to them.” I just thought “yay, Alucard’s playing with some kids, and getting out of his bubble!!” I didn’t have any thoughts as to what his relationship role was with them, I just thought that first interaction was lovely.

And if I saw him interacting with the kids again, I still wouldn’t go “father figure” I’d just be like “yay, Alucard’s playing with the kids again, how sweet!!”

Sometimes the relationship doesn’t need a role or a label, ya know?

And I thought it was especially strange because…he literally just met them?? Like how can they possibly start calling him father when he’s played with them once or twice? Regardless of Alucard’s side or things, what group of kids would randomly call a nice man they just met ‘father’? Is...Is this a normal thing??

Anyways, back to Alucard’s side of things, Sypha’s line about Alucard being a teenager trapped an adults body has always been something that stuck with me and shaped how I view Alucard. I definitely view him as internally much younger than he looks. No matter how much I might hate them for what they did to him, I think Sumi and Take are about the age he actually is, and their relationship with him made sense to me. He’s still a kid—or at least young—he still needs his parents in his life, really. (That’s part of why I didn’t like that Drac and Lisa don’t go to him at the end. I personally don’t think Alucard really got closure, and in my mind I think he still very much needed them, and that would have been the perfect ending to his story in my mind, where everything comes full circle; He was forced to lose his parents and grow up too early, and only when he’s started to truly grow up does he get them back.) So yeah, I really don’t see him like a father at all. One of my main focuses in my Castlevania fanfiction is his relationship with Dracula, so I very much see him as the son, not as the dad, even when Drac isn’t around.

(Sidenote, come to think of it, I think this is another reason why Greta x Alucard is a nope from me. She’s very much an adult, so I just see a discrepancy between them that makes me feel weird about them being in a romantic relationship. If we need a label I feel like she fits as an older sister for him, guiding him and giving him support. Him unloading all his problems on her within just meeting her makes more sense if he’s like a younger brother who needs to cry to his sister. I felt weird about it in a romantic context when it was so fast. I mean I know he was desperate to talk to someone, and I probably would have done the same, but still).

“I feel like Alucard needed to process his trauma and learn to trust and be whole again, he's young himself too, why he needed to be a "father figure" all of a sudden is beyond me”

^^ THIS. EXACTLY THIS.

I was honestly really hoping they’d go in depth into him dealing with his trauma, and how he’s still hurting from the wounds of it, and how he needs to heal. I thought that’s what his S4 arc would be about. I don’t think they gave him the chance to really process and work through everything that happened. (Again, I don’t think him just unloading all his problems on a nice stranger is truly working through his trauma. I would have much rather watched him struggle to trust her, and him telling her about his trauma happen later, and be difficult for him, and a deep, heartfelt moment).

Like I was saying in my other post, I think if they framed his arc in how he dealt with the town collectively, I think that would have fit better, and been more touching and satisfying. I would have liked to see him struggling to trust humans, and then see as time progressed how several different people in the town liked him and meant him no harm, and how he realized he could trust them, and that he liked them too. It wasn’t that he had a bad romantic partner and needed a new one. He believed he needed to be punished for killing his father, and in his deep loneliness he let these kids into his house and heart, and they turned on him because he was half vampire. That’s something pretty deeply ingrained, and not something a new romance just fixes by existing. He needed to work through that in a much deeper way.

I know this is gonna be a very unpopular opinion, and it's totally cool if you disagree, but in a weird way... I sort of disliked Alucard’s ending. Don’t get me wrong, Im glad he’s happy, and I’d certainly prefer it to him just getting more trauma like last season (*shudders*), and I don’t think him opening up his castle (and his heart) to humanity is a bad way to end his story, certainly not. I think that fits. And my heart did melt a bit at the "I'm weirdly happy" scene. But, where everyone else is like “*sobbing* happy endings for all our faves” ...I see the creators of the show trying to wrap everything up in a neat little bow, and while that’s certainly not all bad, I don’t love every aspect of that. Theres a time and place for that, but a show based on video games, for which there’s more content in these storylines isn’t one of them in my mind.

Sometimes some of the sadness needs to linger. At the very least, let it linger at the beginning of the season so you can work through it in a powerful way, you know? It may have been tough to see Alucard be more closed off, but I think it would have been more satisfying to see him open up his heart and go back to his old self if we saw his trauma leave lingering effects at the beginning.

To me it didn’t feel like a satisfying arc, it felt like the fairytale ending of “oh look he’s not apprehensive about humanity even after what happened! Oh look he got the girl! And the Castle’s a happy place now! Look he’s not sad anymore! He’s even a father figure to these kids! He’s totally moved on!” And all those things can be awesome when done properly, and when they have depth to them. But they didn’t work through the trauma to get there, so it felt surface level to me, and too fast. I really liked that first episode, and how we saw the two sides of him—one that's become more closed off, and the other that still buries the human despite his comments—and I also really liked the first interaction with the kids, and thought that was one of the few interactions that had depth to it and fit with his arc well. Having it go beyond “they’re helping him learn to like and trust humanity again, and displaying who he really is inside” ended up detracting from the power of his relationship with them in my mind.

Having played SOTN, I think an ingrained loneliness and sadness are, in a way, a key part of Alucard’s character. That sounds really sad and awful out loud but…there are some people that just have a sadness or a loneliness to them, and that's not entirely bad. Here’s the thing…it can make them that much more beautiful. The fact that they still fight for good, even when they see all the dark, those moments when they find true friends, despite how alone they are, those moments when they are happy, are so much more powerful. They just are always a bit…separate from other people. One of my favorite lines in anything is the line "We are connected by our darkness, not by our light" in Pandora Hearts. I think it's a line that fits Alucard well, and it’s always something that’s drawn me personally to him. Don't get me wrong, I don’t think Alucard’s all dark and sad and lonely, he’s definitely got a bright side to him too, of course he does. But I also don't think he ever is able to fully accept the vampire side of himself, and I find that interesting, and worth exploring. Personally I was honestly hoping for the show makers to come up with a bittersweet reason for why he went to sleep for 300 years, (and I thought that's why they set things up with Sumi and Taka that he’d have something against his vampire nature). Personally it felt like they were trying to say “oh he’s all better now, he’ll never be sad or lonely again” and while that’s nice I suppose…for me it sort of…stops feeling like Alucard, in a way? I don't know if I'm explaining it right, or if that sounds terrible...😅

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. I do agree that’s very common of fandom that people are like “boom! Just add water! Instant father figure!” and I don’t love it either. Sometimes it can be cute if it truly fits, but it doesn’t fit every relationship between an adult-looking character and a kid character, and shouldn't be the first place people go to. In the same way every relationship doesn’t have to be romantic, not every relationship has to be parental/familial either. Sometimes it feels like fandom culture isn't really okay to have some characters just be good friends. A good friendship can be more wonderful than a romance sometimes.

If we have to put a label on it, I think he seemed like a nice older brother figure to them? I think that fits who he is in my mind. But father? Nope. Not for me. And again, I don’t think it needs a label.

Thanks again for sending me this ask!! It was nice to get the chance to work through some more of my feelings here too. Sorry if I went too overboard. And I hope I don’t sound too terribly negative, it really was a great season, and I definitely liked some parts of his arc, just not all of it.

If you or anyone else reading would like to discuss with me more, be my guest!! 💕

[evakuality]

Hanna, episode 8

1.  I know I’ve said it before, but these scenes with Hanna and Mia are so super gay.  Part of me still really really wishes that they’d gone there - I like the Jonas/Hanna reunion in s4 well enough (if we ignore the absolute travesty of stealing time from Amira), but I’d have really loved if Mia and Hanna had been the thing instead of adding in a random extra character for no reason.  Imagine the potential....  Also, Alex is still the worst.  Like I know he’s the worst because William was the worst.  But he’s still the worst.  Gross.  His sleazy manner is so offputting.  I hate that Mia ends up falling for this.  I do hope that unlike the original, Mia doesn’t lose all of who she is herself in her season.

2.  Ugh, I forgot how irritating Kiki is.  I really really like her by the later seasons (particularly in s5) but man in these early times she was not so great.  I know Kiki thinks they’re all being punished because Leonie hates Hanna, but as I said before Amira and Mia weren’t even with Hanna at that point, so that’s not likely.  Kiki’s need for control and to be liked is really coming out in some unpleasant ways.  This whole ‘what Hanna does reflects on our crew’ is so... bleh.  With every word Kiki gets more and more toxic, and then starting in on Amira as well, and wondering why she’s the bad guy?  She’s a young kid and she has this desperation to fit in and be cool and liked etc and I get that she’s not a dreadful person at the end of the day.  But she really needs to grow up.  Particularly given that she literally pursued Alex when he’s not exactly a saint about all this sort of stuff.  One thing I do love about this bit with Amira (and she repeats it when she speaks to Matteo in s3, which is a nice bit of character continuity), is how she leans forward and speaks very forcefully to Kiki as she explains her point of view.  The camera is tight up in her face, or rather she moves into it, and it doesn’t let Kiki or the audience move away.  And the call to prayer is a lovely touch right after, reminding of the ‘Muslim gangster world’ and what that’s really like.  Kiki needs to step out of her own sphere and realise that other people have their own thoughts and feelings and things aren’t always what she thinks they are.  Poor Hanna is suffering a lot, and instead of supporting her, Kiki chooses to pile on, focusing on her own ‘pain’ at the situation.  Which, in context, is really really petty.  And then she acts like she’s the hurt party?  Grow up, child.

3.  This little scene with Jonas is so painful.  The acting here is really nice.  Jonas’s sadness and hurt is so palpable, as is Hanna’s anxiety and tension.  It’s all so awkward and painful, and the way it’s shot with Jonas always at a distance and never really looking at Hanna just makes that all the more intense.  And I mean, I know Jonas is hurting and I know it’s hard for him, but this whole bit about how Hanna has no personality of her own is so mean.  In some ways he’s right (and correct me if I’m wrong, but in the original it was Eva herself who says this bit to her Jonas - I don’t recall every detail of Eva’s season as well as I’d like so this may be wrong, but what I remember is something similar to this line as part of why she choose to end it at the end, and if so I don’t really know that I like this change; it’s better from the character herself as a realisation).  But even if he’s right, it’s a bit unfair.  He told her to go and be someone outside of him, and now he’s like ‘I don’t know you at all’ and it’s really frustrating because I still don’t feel like ‘make out’ is an accurate description of what happened, and Sam is really the one who was pushing and pushing, and yet all the blame is being set on Hanna.  He says it’s not because of that, but of course it is.

4.  I always cringe at these scenes where the Eva character gets ‘slut shamed’ and basically panics.  It’s so hard to watch them go through it, and in so many ways this is the hardest episode for them.  Hanna is at a nadir.  Yes, Mia, Sam and Amira defended her, but with the tension with Kiki that support is falling apart, and then Jonas told her to call him when she gets a personality (harsh!!), and now she has someone in the school sending her messages in period blood.  It’s all pretty shitty.  And Kiki almost word for word repeating Jonas’s accusation about knowing ‘what kind of girl’ she is.  It’s totally understandable that she wants to get away from all of this stuff.

5.  Then this shot of her at the bottom of the stairs.  Distanced and lonely, and it’s even worse than it was at the start of the show.  Then, at least she was outside and had space around her, and the colours were much happier.  Here she’s closed, in, boxed out by stairs and the walls etc and it’s this dark, gloomy colour set.  There’s a bar of light, but she’s not even in it, she’s to the side of it, like she can’t even let herself have that.  Then we cut to literally seeing her through the bars of the stairs, like she’s imprisoned, which is effectively what everyone in the school is doing to her.  I do like the change that Matteo is here in person for this ‘you shouldn’t change schools’ talk.  There’s something about the interaction that changes when they have to do it face to face.  And yes Hanna, my love.  You start getting angry that people keep trying to tell you who you are.  Matteo’s lines here really do feel more like an overt attempt at reverse psychology than Isak’s did.  Again, I assume this is because we still didn’t know about Isak at all.  Whereas Matteo still feels more cynical and calculated.  His attitudes and the way he’s approached Hanna have felt different.  It’s really interesting to consider where his head is at in this season given just how low and disconnected we see him at the start of his own.  I guess when he’s called out for it over the next little bit it does change things a bit.  Plus of course the way his own life is about to be hit.

6.  The Hanna and Leonie talk is really interesting.  Up til now, Leonie has seemed much more dominant and Hanna much more timid.  And that’s been partly the way it’s filmed - they’re sitting or Leonie is placed above Hanna.  But here, Hanna looms over Leonie, quite literally, and it’s good to see her start to stand up for herself.  Leonie’s mannerisms are the same but they aren’t having the same effect.  And that’s partly because Hanna is at her lowest ebb.  While she seemed lost and lonely at the start of the season, that’s nothing on where she is now - now, she really has nothing left to lose so she can have this conversation and look!  Direct communication actually worked!  She got the results she wanted.  Also interesting is the choice to put Leonie in white and shoot against this wall - she looks diminished and washed out even after they were put back on the same level when they sit.  Until now it’s been hard to sympathise with her.  Yes, we know she’s been hurt, but she’s been so awful with it.  But it’s so clear here just how much of a toll all this has taken on her too.  And it’s so painful to watch Hanna have to admit to the things she did that have ruined so many of her relationships.  And the business with wishing we can change things but not being able to - it’s so human (and also this scene is so incredibly well acted!) and it sucks to have to admit that we can’t do anything about what we’ve done in the past.

7.  Somehow this bit with Jule doesn’t hit the way it does in Eva’s season.  I think it’s a combination of the way they’ve chosen to portray Jule - she seems a lot more standoffish - and the fact that Matteo has been a bit sketchy the whole time, with some clear hints that he’s not all he seems to be.  Also, possibly, because we do have Skam as a reference and so we did already know where this was going.  Either way, this last part of the scene falls flat after the very emotional bits with Leonie.  

Overall, I find this episode a lot more fluid than the previous one.  But this last day’s clips must have been a whole lot when watching live.  Poor Hanna goes through the ringer on this one day.  The way this one is lit is really interesting as well.  It’s either dark shadows or it’s really bright light, almost harsh with sun etc almost washing things out.  It’s an episode of extremes, which I guess is the point.  Hanna is going through some extreme emotions here, and the surroundings do tend to reflect that.

[shattered-catalyst]

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

 Whomst can write it? 

Literally anyone as long as you 

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD? 

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum 

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts 

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 

Again for clarity's sake 

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 

OCD according to NIMH statistics 

1.2% Occurrence among US adults 

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism 

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

 Cyclops (Marvel)

[on-literal-mars]

The Narcissism of Wilbur Soot: Ghostburs real unfinished business.

Wilbur Soot effectively manipulated a bunch of children into fighting a war for him. This was the first ‘official’ arc of the Dream SMP and even though it’s been months and months since it happened, so many things still tie back to it. L’manberg: a country more power struggle than nation, Tommy’s discs and their importance, and Wilbur Soots selfishness. This post will be broken down into four parts for four symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder that fit Wilbur the best. There will also be a final section dedicated to Ghostbur and his unfinished business on the SMP.

Having an exaggerated sense of self importance:

Wilbur is a showman. He is useless unless he has an audience. It’s introduced from day one as he cultivates an army over the shared dream of freedom, again when he holds an election and reads out the results, and finally when he doesn’t blow up L’manberg until Phil comes. How many times does Wilbur go into the button room by himself? I think on stream maybe 3-4 times. That’s 3-4 times that he doesn’t do what he says he’s gonna do and it’s because someone like Wilbur needs an audience.

He can’t do anything by himself, he hates himself too much, the only time he achieves anything is when he manipulates others to get it done for him. Think about it. How many times has Wilbur sung out for his nation and called it “My L’manberg” like he built it himself? Like he actually fought in the battles instead of standing off to the side and urging his child army to ‘keep fighting’. He’s encredibly entitled. Which brings us to our next point:

Having a sense of entitlement:

Wilbur believes that everything is owed to him. Dream is a tyrant for telling him not to sell drugs on SMP land. People should be allowed to do what they want.

Wilbur should be allowed to do what he wants.

And he wraps this idea up with a bow and calls it ‘freedom’. He elects himself president without any hesitation and is surprised and insulted when Quakity runs against him. I’ve already touched on how he obsesses over L’manberg and destroying it. A narcissist looks at life with complete tunnel vision. The only thing they care about is what will benefit them and what will make them feel better. So the logic behind Wilbur wanting to destroy L’manberg was never ‘they took it from me, I want to destroy it so they can’t have it’(because even that requires some level of empathy) but more ‘It’s mine. If it isn’t mine, then it can’t be any bodies’.

it was always his L’manberg. His unfinished Symphony. It was his way of taking back control. Here’s one thing you have to know about Narcissists, they are rampant control freaks. And if they can’t control you or you are no longer benefiting them, they will destroy you.

Being preoccupied with fantasies about brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate:

We’ve never seen Wilbur(Ghostbur is a different story) interact romantically but we have seen how he treats the ones he’s supposed to love. Fundy is a perfect example. I could go on and on about how Wilbur gave Tommy more attention because Tommy was always willing to stay under Wilbur while Fundy always tried to go against him but that’s a post we’ve all seen a hundred times(in all fairness, very good posts). I present you another outlook: Wilbur neglects Fundy because he sees too much of himself in him. Like, oh I don’t know, Fundys want for control and authority. He wants attention because he’s just as much of a showman as his dad.

And Wilbur can never share the stage. He is incapable of it, his thinking is too black and white. Regardless, his relationship with both Fundy and Tommy(towards the end) showcase how manipulative and abusive narcissists often are. Now notice how pretty Wilbur tries to make Pogtopia? I know towards the end he was fine to let all those buttons litter the place but think before that. You could argue that Wilbur worked so hard on it because he wanted a cosy place to stay for him and Tommy but it simply isn’t true.

We know this because when Technoblade tries to put railings around the stairs Wilbur breaks them down. He wasn’t intentionally being malicious, you’ve got to understand that narcissists just never think about anyone but themselves. He simply didn’t care if Tommy or Techno( or tubbo who eventually did)fell off the stairs and hurt themselves. It didn’t matter. The railing just didn’t go with his aesthetic. Wilbur made Pogtopia so nice so that he could feel in control.

He did it to convince himself that it was some nice vacation home instead of a stone prison being used as a fugitive hide out. He was absolutely delusional.

Inability to take responsibility:

Right away I bet you can see how this lines up with Ghostbur, huh? It ties back to black and white thinking, as well. His famous phrase ‘indepenance or death’, calling everyone in Manberg traitors because they hadn’t immediately dropped everything to join Pogtopia, and how he kept making destroying L’manberg the final option. He knew from the beginning that he was going to destroy it. The second he built the button room the countrys fate was sealed. Wilbur is never wrong.

He knows what’s best for his country. But here’s the thing: Wilbur has always done things indirectly or through someone else. He does this to avoid direct criticism. Criticism cripples narcissists, it is their worst fear. But blowing up L’manberg would leave no room for anything else. It would be Wilburs fault and no one else’s.

That’s why he has Phil kill him. It wasn’t out of regret or shame, it was one last act of selfishness. He left them with crater for a country and didn’t even say goodbye. And even in his final moments it was “they all want you to, look at them, they want me dead”. He was a coward and died like one. He died to try and escape criticism and responsibility. But death has a funny way of catching you off guard.

Some final symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder before we move into the Ghostbur section:

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

(This isn’t an official definition but Dr. Ramani Durvasula says that Narcissists are characterized by lack of empathy and deep insecurity. Keep that in mind.)

Ghostbur:

Ghostbur to me is very child like. Ghostbur pulls some pranks but is never intentionally malicious, just works his hardest to make everyone happy. He is innocent and playful and doesn’t like to talk about serious things. We could see him as Wilbur back when he was a little kid. Before the effects of abuse start to kick in. Everyone says that Phil is canonically neglectful, I’m not sure where this comes from but I believe it.

As childlike as he is, it isn’t like he’s the ghost version of kid Wilbur. Wilbur was an adult when he died. He’s so childlike because that’s what Wilbur was on the inside; a child who never matured properly. L’manchild takes a whole different meaning now lmao. Ghostbur is Wilbur without the walls he puts in place to protect himself. That’s why he’s cold all the time: he’s finally being exposed to all the things he tried to hide from.

Wilbur acts like a child throughout majority of his time on the SMP. He gets angry when he doesn’t get his way, expects everyone to kiss his ass and take care of him, and throws tantrums when all he should’ve done was compromise(the way people blame George or Quakity for Schlatt getting elected but Wilbur could’ve just taken down the American-ban). And doesn’t that sound just like the points I made earlier? Ghostbur isn’t the sad alter ego of Wilbur that some try to paint him out to be, he’s literally just Wilbur without the bullshit. He wasn’t the father of a nation he was an abused kid who never grew up. He ran from his problems to the very last second but now he doesn’t have a choice.

That is Ghostburs unfinished business. He must finally allow himself to be wrong. Only then will he be able to move on. And shit, with the way he keeps forgetting the bad stuff he’s done, perhaps he isn’t meant to. Perhaps this is supposed to be his hell and he’ll be trapped in constant pain for all of eternity. It would make sense wouldn’t it?

Death was like: hah, you want to act like you did nothing wrong? Fine, I’ll help you out.

That’s the problem with black and white thinking. Too much of anything will eventually become bad for you. Ghostbur is gonna realize that he can’t float around L’manberg for the rest of time and actually accept the fact that maybe everything is his fault. Atleast Wilbur actually got his wish, I suppose. Dead men can’t take responsibility. Dead men can only exist in hell forever or let go and move on.

[aesthbaby]

You’re Not Alone

Summary: Angst story where Reader and Emily make a discovery after getting into an argument

Pairings: Emily Prentiss x reader (no gender is identified but it is stated that the reader is lgbtq+ and with Emily)

Request: @millipop18 this one

Warnings: Cursing | Arguments | Talk of homophobia

Wordcount: 1.5K

Masterlist

64. “Yell, scream, cry, please, just say something, anything.

67. “If you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”

“No, I don’t think that.” You’re defensive, and rightfully so. You fucked up and the evidence is written all over Emily’s face, you didn’t mean to hurt her. She damn near snapped on the spot right after you said it. You tried to defend yourself but of course Emily has a point, she always has a point.

“Why did you say that?” She doesn’t sound angry, she kind of sounds hurt.

“I said it without thinking, I didn’t mean it like that.” You and Em randomly decided you wanted to get tacos from the new place down the block after work. Everything was going fine until you ran into Matt Simmons and one of his kids. No idea which one it was, he has a shit ton.

“Well,” She trails quietly. “Did you mean it?” She stops what she’s doing and turns around to face you. Her dark eyes are pouring into your soul and its actually really intimidating to see. “Did you?” She repeats when you don’t answer.

“Did I what?” You’re distracted, you knew you shouldn’t have said that in front of her. Or at all for that matter of fact because it was so unlike you.

She puts down her phone and stiffens her expression. “Did you mean what you said?” Your mouth opens and closes without anything coming out. She scuffs and brushes past you; hitting your shoulder in the process. Shit y/n think! You stand there for a second, fidgeting with your fingers, and trying to find the right words. “Its a simple question, really.” She’s wearing her monotone voice and clenching her jaw.

“No...” You whisper like you’re afraid of your own voice.

Your girlfriend sits on the bench and moves to take her shoes off. “Y/n,” She spits your name out like gum, effectively getting your attention. “When Matt asked me who you were, you interrupted me and said...” She looks to you to finish her sentence but you stay quiet. “Of course.” She mumbles. “You told him, and I quote, “I’m just an old friend visiting the city.” Emily never really “yells” at you but its pretty obvious when she wants to. “What was that?” Her voice is rising. “Friend?!” Her eyes lock on you like prey and this is when you notice her anger is replaced by glistening tears. They’re barely there and Emily wouldn’t dare let them fall. As quick as you notice them, they’re gone again. Emily Prentiss does not cry.

“Em...I-” You’re anxiously clinching the collar of your shirt while trying to get the words out.

“You told him you were my friend...” She looks back down in defeat and it breaks your heart a little. You hear her sniffle and it just adds to the sadness building in your heart. When she looks at you again, her eyes are clear and her face is basically emotionless.

“Emily, baby, I am so sorry.” You sit beside her and gently lay your hand on hers.

She turns to you and asks, “Why?” That’s all she says.

Excuse me? Is what you wanted to say out of sheer shock. Obviously you said this instead: “I don’t know, Em. It just came out.”

“Right,” She nods to herself and then stands in front of you. “Y/n you and I both know this is very unlike you. I mean you’ve hesitated before when it came to telling people we’re dating but I-”

“Woah, when have I ever hesitated to tell people we were dating?” That one really threw you for a loop.

And she looks surprised that you even said anything. “Point being, I can’t help you if you don’t help me.”

The word “huh” was on the tip of your lips but you pushed it back. “Em, I’m okay.” You place your hand over your heart while speaking. “You’re the one who...” Your through suddenly feels dry.

“The one who’s...what? Upset?” You almost want to nod at that but decide against it. “But I’m not the one who said we were just friends.” Why is she talking to me like a unit chief? “And despite my current feelings, I know you.”

You swallow that information like a lump in your throat. “I’m okay.”

She sucks in a sharp breath. “No, you are not and I’d like to know why?” Is this what Reid feels like when the team talks to him? I feel like a child during a negotiation. Confused. You were just about to defend yourself when she spoke again. “Is this about your family?” As your expression, she moves on. “Do you not like Matt? Would you prefer it if our relationship was more private?” She pauses before asking the next one. “Is this about me?”

“What? No! Jesus Em I have nothing against you or us.” Its like the more emotional you get, the more neutral her face becomes.

“Then what is it y/n/n?” She takes your hands in hers. “What. Is. It?”

“I fucked up, I realized that as soon as I said it.”

She lets out another puff of air. “God what is up with you today? You never keep stuff from me. You’re the one who made this stupid rule about always telling the truth even if its undesirable and boring.” Gezz I didn’t think it was that bad of a rule. “If you don’t want to talk about it then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t.”

“Oh here we go again with the bullshit. Don’t fucking profile me, Emily.” You stand and head to the kitchen. “Don’t open that box.” As you reach towards the refrigerator handle, her hand stops you.

“What happened?” She’s practically begging you to answer her.

You give in. “I got a call yesterday. I thought I recognized the number but when I picked up the phone the voice sounded fake. Like it was run through an app. They said I should be more careful about flaunting my sexuality.” The words spilled out so quickly you didn’t know how to stop them.

She was stunned, mouth ajar.“I had no idea. When did this happen?”

“Last night. I didn’t really care at first because I thought it was one of my old friends, exes, or something like that. It wasn’t until we were out that it felt like we were being followed. So when we saw Matt I panicked.” The apartment is filled with complete and suffocating silence. Em is looking at you like she suddenly has no idea who you are. “Em...” You take a step to her while she takes one back. “Baby...come on.” She don’t respond, or move, speak, nothing. “Talk to me Em, please.” Nothing. “Yell, scream, cry, please, just say something, anything.”

You haven’t seen her look this concerned since the time you ran smack dead into a wall in the middle of the night. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice is so quiet. 

“Because I can handle myself, I was fine up until a few hours ago. It freaked me out. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” You step to her and wrap your arms around her waist. “I just couldn’t tell you.” 

“Yes, you could have. You’re not alone anymore y/n/n. You have to tell me about this stuff. You’re not the only one affected by it.”

“Shit. Babe I’m sorry I didn’t think about it like that.”

She strokes a piece of your hair near your forehead. “Its okay. I’m more upset with myself for not noticing sooner. I do this kind of stuff as a living, you’d think it come natural.”

You pull her flush against you. “I really fucked up this time.”

She laughs at that. “You did, but don’t worry. Tomorrow you will come to work with me and I’ll have my team look into it. For now,” she kisses the top of your head. “You should eat and then tap out for the night. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.”

You give her a confused expression. “What do you mean?”

“First we’ll have to go over that call with Garcia, consult with Reid on the wording, hire Derek as a body guard, come out to the entire team about our relationship, and of course we’ll have to get a dog.”

“I like the dog part.” As if on queue Sergio comes out of the bedroom and sits at your feet. “Sergio’s kind of boring.” Despite whispering the last part, Sergio still meows at it.

Em untangles herself from you to pick up her cat. “Y/n doesn’t mean it Serg.”

You lean in to the cat’s small ear. “Yeah I do.”

“Come on babe, lets double check the locks.” The brunette and her cat leave the kitchen to cover your ass.

When she comes back, she’s empty handed. “Where’s the feline?”

“My arms are only for you.” She opens her arms for you.

You walk into the embrace and god does it feel good. After a moment of pure bless you speak. “I’m scared, E.”

“We’re gonna be okay.” She pulls you even closer. “You’re gonna be okay.”

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･**･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*˚✧₊⁎ ⁎⁺˳✧༚ ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･ﾟ･*:.｡.｡.:*･'･*:.｡.

Taglist  (Like my Emily taglist to be added, or you can send me an Ask located in the top right corner of my profile. You can also ask to be removed if you’d like)

@iamyouknow-yours @mortallythoughtfulgurl @spencerreidistoocute @andreaxxg13 (sorry this tag isn’t working for some reason) @vivianabakshani @garcias-batcave @davidrossiismydad @ssacandi-ass-prentiss @criminalmindsmoodrn @miidguardian-exe @thestrawberrygirl @lisztomaniacalice @aaron-hotchner187 @fanfictionfangirl04 @mys2425 @afuckingshituniverse @nomit16 @rabid-wild-misfits​ @justaghostmonument

[ectonurites]

for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him, 

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺 

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious): 

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing): 

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it. 

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit) 

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having 

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious): 

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing): 

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 10 favorite things about TFS?

Bold of you to assume I can narrow it down to just 10 things, but I’ll try my best. 

Here’s a list of things I LOVE about The Final Season of TWDG, starting from #10 and working my way down to #1.

10. Rosie is best girl and doesn’t die 

Listen, okay? If you give me a game with a doggo companion that I bond with only to have said doggo die for dramatic effect... you automatically lose 2 outta 5 stars on your rating. Case in point: Season 2.

However, tfs knew not to kill Rosie off for dramatic effect, knew it’d be cheap. Plus, Rosie is a sweetheart and I love that she helps Clementine come to terms with her past trauma with dogs and genuinely bonds with her. Rosie is best girl. 

9. Over the shoulder camera/controls 

They’re the best of the series, having come a LONG way since S1. Like, look... Don’t get me wrong. S1 isn’t unplayable or anything, far from it, but they’re not the greatest either. They’re pretty wonky at times, the fixed camera can get annoying when you’re moving around, and sometimes button presses don’t register. It’s definitely something I have to get used to whenever I go back and replay the entire series, and like I said, it’s not the worst controls in the world... but oh man, compared to TFS?

Have you ever played S1 and then jumped straight into TFS just to get a direct comparison of the two? Because I have and it’s jarring how much smoother, accurate, and overall better everything is in TFS.

Just... props, guys. Thank you for the over-the-shoulder, movable camera, thank you for the polished button prompts, and thank you for a run button that has Clementine go into a nice jog rather than a comical run or, eh... does nothing [lookin’ at you ANF... Javi slow].

It’s just so effortless to play. The most trouble I ever have is with doors but that’s a given- Doors make no goddamn sense in this series and I’ve given up trying to learn their secrets. Oh, and speaking of more improvements! 

The shooting mechanic in this game is leaps better than in S1. Y’all remember the Motor-Inn shootout? The one that was such a frustrating pain in the ass?? So much death and anger...

I still die sometimes when shooting the walkers with the bow, especially the ones that are on fire, but it’s nothing compared to the shooting mechanic in S1, so the biggest THANK YOU for that one. It’s actually enjoyable to shoot stuff this time around.

8. Collectibles 

You as Clementine get to pick up various collectibles to decorate her and AJ’s dorm with and it’s great. One of my favorite bits about this game is seeing Clementine wake up in this empty, lifeless room, and see it get brighter and brighter with every collectible you place throughout the game until you reach the final scene with AJ where the room is just FULL of life and personality. Like... it’s officially theirs. It’s such a good feeling! 

And the devs totally didn’t have to add the collectible system in, but I’m so thankful they did. I’m one of those people who gets every single collectible every single time I play. 

7. Ericson’s Boarding School for Troubled Youth

Y’know, I honestly can’t think of a better place for Clementine and AJ to end up than Ericson’s Boarding School for Troubled Youth. It’s awesome, I love it, what a great idea. I also love the sense of wonder when we step outside for the first time and see the inside of Ericson, as well as the others, walking around. Like even Clementine is taken back by it.

Because of course it makes sense for Clementine to end up in a school surrounded by people closer to her age rather than with a group of dumbass adults like in the past three games.

Here it feels like they’re all about on the same level. There’s no older person here belittling Clementine because “she’s just a child and doesn’t get it,” they’re just people, y’know? Hell, if anything, Clementine’s now the most experienced one!

The school’s great! I wouldn’t change a thing about TFS taking place here. The environments are beautiful and I love exploring the world. 

6. Marlon as an antagonistic character/final confrontation 

I have an entire Marlon character discussion/study so I won’t put too much time into this one, but I will say that I love Marlon’s part in tfs. I love him as a surprise antagonistic character, I love how chill he is in the beginning, I love the final confrontation at the end of ep1... I just really like Marlon, y’know?

Ray Chase gives a damn near perfect performance as Marlon, so much so that I wish he survived past ep1 just so that I could hear more of his acting. Marlon himself in an interesting look at a leader character hiding his shame and guilt while trying to maintain control over everyone [including himself] around him, only to be broken down when he’s found out. 

5. James 

I know people tend to be pretty split on James, but I personally really like his role in tfs. I love that they included a character who was apart of the Whisperers, and hell, if anything I’d like to know MORE about James’ past with them. 

I just find him and his whole “walkers are sort of people? kinda?” beliefs. Again, I know some people get annoyed with him because of his beliefs but I think he adds an interesting spin on the whole thing, y’know? Though I do love what a bitch he is if you don’t agree with him hahaha

James is a bitch and I love him, okay? I love his dumb walker mask, I love his dumb boyband hair, I love his whispery voice, and I love his backstory with the Whisperers and Charlie. I love this he’s trying so hard to be this pacifist that he ends up doing the literal thing he said he doesn’t want to do-- hurt people. Y’know... like attempting to kidnap AJ and threatening to break Clementine’s leg in the caves if he’s alive. 

Which, by the way, that whole cave scene is a thing. It’s wild and I love it but not for the reasons the devs probably wanted. Like... it’s a little hilarious? I know it’s not supposed to be! But I can’t take James seriously when he’s walkin’ around his hands on his hips all huffy and puffy, okay? It’s just wild. 

Anyway, I love James and wouldn’t get rid of him. Hell, I’m still waiting for my James with the Whisperers mini-series, Skybound. 

4. Ericson Crew

There isn’t a single character from Ericson that I don’t like, or that I’d get rid of, which is rare with these games. Thinking back to the previous games, there’s always at least one person I could do without or that I didn’t like. I adore all of them!

The Ericson crew just feels closer than previous groups. For starters, they’re way more likable than most in our previous groups. Even when there’s tension [and boy is there tension at points] you still get the sense that they don’t hate each other, unlike in our previous groups. They do in fact love each other as a family and will do what they can to protect one another.

Plus, they’re all interesting. They’re troubled youth and I love all of them! 

Aasim keeps a daily journal where he chronicles everything in hopes of learning from past mistakes to prevent future ones, he’s damn good with a bow, and he’s got a neat little soul patch on his chin.  

Ruby is the tiny yet fiery medic of the group who adamantly believes in manners yet used to chase teachers around with pitchforks. 

Brody is caught up in the twin mess with Marlon but she’s also shown to want an escape, a road trip where she and her friends can go see the beach, but she also suffers with anxiety and panic attacks and isn’t afraid to knock Marlon on his ass or swear at Clementine. 

Mitch is a grumpy, tall boy who looks after Willy like a brother, knows how to make bombs out of manure and propane, and used to fight his neighbors because they didn’t like his face. 

Omar is a sassy chef who has to have every ingredient just right otherwise he’s salty for a week and he can take a bullet to the leg like a champ. 

Willy’s a goober who can climb trees like you wouldn’t believe and he made a bomb of his own in Mitch’s honor that completely wrecked the delta’s ship. 

Tenn is a soft, naïve boy who draws and reads but isn’t afraid to stab a walker bitch if he has to. 

Violet was sent to the school after witnessing her grandmother’s dead, she used to date Minerva who is now “dead,” has abandonment issues,  tries to give off the appearance of a grumpy grump but like once she’s comfortable with you she’ll tell you her life story and do romantic shit like dancing and painting you a pin. 

Louis was sent to Ericson because he was a rich brat who broke up his parents marriage because they wouldn’t let him take singing lessons and has felt like garbage ever since, using humor to cope and push people away, and keeps the façade on until someone’s willing to see past it in which he’ll finally bare his soul to you, name a song he wrote after you, and do everything in his power to keep you and everyone else safe over himself. 

I just... Love ‘em all. 

3. Clementine and AJ’s dynamic 

To think that they almost killed AJ off, or kept him a minor character. That would’ve been a shame and an absolute waste because Clementine and AJ’s dynamic is super fucking good in tfs. 

It’s actually a little baffling that AJ’s as good as he is, from his writing to his voice acting, he’s just great. And his relationship with Clementine is definitely one of my favorites to come from this game. It’s not perfect, but I don’t want perfect. 

I love that AJ looks to Clem for guidance and I love the way our choices affect him, even when it’s a case of the bridge scene. Hate the bridge scene knowing that I gotta sacrifice a character I care about for another I love, but I can’t deny that I love how that choice is made. After everything, do you trust AJ or not? 

Plus, their conversations are so well done, their chemistry is through the roof, and I wouldn’t change it. 

Oh, and the barn scene? Gets me every time, even though I already know everything’s fine and gonna work out. Still gets me. 

2. Clementine is Bisexual

I’ve talked about this in the past, but lemme just say that I love the fact that Clementine is canonically bisexual. 

Doesn’t matter if you’re dating Louis, Violet, or no one, Clementine is still bisexual. The game confirms it through it’s text/subtext and Clementine’s actions that we don’t have control over, and the devs confirmed it. She ain’t straight, she ain’t a lesbian, she is bisexual. 

I can’t express how happy that makes me. Just... 💗💜💙

And with her being bisexual comes her two great love interests: Louis and Violet. They’re amazing, and such an improvement over the previous game’s attempt at love interests... ahem, y’know... Kate.

1. Louis as a character/his relationship with Clementine 

I mean... c’mon. Y’all knew what #1 was gonna be. Do I even need to explain? This entire blog is just me gushing about Louis/clouis. 

Look, Louis is my favorite non-playable character across the entire series. Hell, even when you factor in playable characters, he’s STILL my absolute favorite. Like, even outside of his relationship with Clementine, I find him to be such a compelling character by himself. 

Like I mentioned above, he came from a stupid rich family who gave him everything he ever wanted, but when his father wouldn’t let him take singing lessons, he literally worked for over a year to break up his parents marriage because “you get to be happy or you get to be rich, can’t be both.” 

He gets sent to Ericson where the apocalypse happens, he never gets to make up with his parents, and he ends up using jokes and piano as a coping mechanism to deal with everything, falls into a cycle of being unreliable and the butt of the joke, and lives one day at a time without much thought for the future. 

He puts on the happy jokester persona to push people away from knowing the real him and rarely shares much about himself. Hell, when Clementine does hunting and decides to take care of the walker with him, he actually does let down the wall for a minute to share his view on “this moment” before looking away like “Oof, shared too much-- HEY, GO CHECK ON AASIM :D I’LL BE OVER HERE :D FIXING THE TRAP :D and adjusting the wall ahem--” 

It’s so interesting because you’d think that he’d be more open about his past with Marlon or the twins or whatever [like Violet is] but no, he doesn’t tell you shit about his past until EPISODE 3 and you have to work to get that story. 

I just... I just love him. Could talk about and analyze his character for hours. And I love his relationship with Clementine. It’s just so good. The piano scene where they finally admit their feelings for one another?? That shit has my entire heart. Their entire relationship is my favorite. What else is there to say? 

[drummergirl231-2]

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day 2020!

To me, true awareness and acceptance go hand-in-hand. I still don’t mind the word “awareness,” since most people, even people who think they’re spreading Autism awareness, aren’t totally aware of what it is or what it’s like. But I also love calling it Autism Acceptance Day, because that’s what we need more than anything. 

To spread some awareness, I’d like to address some misconceptions about Autism and share some other thoughts I wish people knew/understood.

1. Autists/Aspies do not lack empathy. 

I found this thing and it explains it super well so I’ll just leave it here:

Imagine a scenario where you say something totally innocent and it triggers the person you’re talking to. They start flying off the handle at you and you don’t know why. But because they’re angry, you are, too. But since you don’t know why they’re angry, you don’t know why you’re angry, either. It’s crazy overwhelming and confusing. And you want to fix whatever you did because you don’t want this other person to be angry or hurt, but you don’t know how, because their all-consuming rage makes it really hard to think and try to put yourself in their shoes. Also, you’re scared on top of it all.

That’s what having high affective and compassionate empathy and low cognitive empathy is like. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we care too much, and all the super specific nuances of socializing are things we have to learn one at a time, through either our mistakes or others’ mistakes. These things don’t come naturally to us, but it’s not like we can’t learn. If I were to compare math to socializing, it’s like you all have calculators or other doohickeys to do all the math for you and we just have paper and a pencil... and no eraser. 

2. Autism is not a mental illness to be “cured.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ALL FOR people finding ways to help us be able to deal with the world better, whether that’s a better diet, items to block out sensory stimuli or items that stimulate, or counselling that can help us navigate social situations and talk through anxiety and/or depression. But those things don’t “cure,” us because Autism isn’t a disease or something wrong with us. Autism gives us different challenges, sure, but neutotypicals have their own challenges. 

The symptoms typically associated with “low-functioning,” Autism don’t necessarily have to be a part of Autism. Many non-verbal kids grow up to be verbal. That doesn’t mean they stopped being autistic. There was a celebrity mom years ago who claimed to “cure” her son’s Autism with a gluten-free dairy-free diet. He’d been so trapped in his head, he couldn’t engage with the world around him. She altered his diet and one day he laughed at Spongebob, and that was a turning point. He became able to interact with people and react to things on TV. It was a huge breakthrough. But he was still autistic. If you were to have plopped me down on a rug as a toddler next to a toddler like this celebrity’s son before his altered diet, you wouldn’t think I was autistic at all by comparison. But I was, and I am.

Autism is a different neurological blueprint, and yes, brain-healthy diets and detoxes can do wonders for us because it seems like our brain type does make us more susceptible to negative effects from neurotoxins. But if you think someone has lost their Autism just because “the bad parts,” went away... no. That’s not how it works.

3. Not everyone is “a little autistic.” 

When I was newly diagnosed and trying to process it, someone told me something along the lines of, there there, we’re all a little autistic. But that’s not true. There are a lot of traits associated with this brain type, and yes, a neurotypical person can have a few of them. That doesn’t make them a little autistic. To be considered autistic at all, you’d have to have a large number of quirks plus social delays (not associated with excessive technology use), odd or repetitive behaviors, unusual and intense interests, communication struggles, and unusual sensory processing. Suppose you’re white. If you are white, this should be easy to imagine. Say an African American just told you about some of the challenges they’ve faced, whether it’s race-based bullying in school or racial profiling later on. Would it be appropriate to say, “There there, we’re all a little black?” NO. One, it’s false. Two, while all people struggle with stuff because to be human is to struggle sometimes, the struggles of different groups of people are totally different, and you can’t say you know exactly what it’s like or pretend everyone’s the same. We all have equal dignity and worth, but beyond that, everyone’s different. Don’t pretend differences don’t exist. Just value them.

4. Autism doesn’t have a “look.”

When I tell people I’m autistic, this is usually what I hear: “Wow! I wouldn’t have guessed! You don’t look autistic.”  ...What does that even mean??? Is it supposed to be a compliment? Because if it’s a compliment I “don’t look autistic,” then that’s kind of an insult to other autistic people. Or do they mean it like, “I don’t believe you’re really autistic because I have a preconceived idea of what an autistic person looks like and you don’t fit the bill so I’m not going to give you grace if you act weird?” I don’t know. Y’all say weird things too, sometimes, ya know? But Autism doesn’t have a look. There is a sort of distant intensity in our gaze sometimes... and I can legit see it when Jim Parsons plays Sheldon Cooper, but when I see an interview with him as himself, it’s gone. It’s not a fixed feature of our faces, and a talented NT could totally put it on.

5. Autism presents itself differently in boys and girls.

You know how not a lot of people know the symptoms of heart attacks in women because mainly people only talk about what a heart attack is like for men? It’s kinda like that with Autism, too. Typically when you hear about Autism, you’re hearing about the signs and symptoms in boys. Even most pediatricians only know to look for the way it presents in boys, which is how so many girls don’t get a diagnosis until later in life, if ever.  One difference is that, for whatever reason, girls tend to be better at nonverbal communication and taking hints. We’re mimics. Chameleons. We take on the mannerisms of those around us and who we see on TV as we force ourselves to adapt. Verbal boys might speak at unusual volumes or with an unusual voice, rhythm, or cadence, but verbal girls learn to mimic the speech patterns of others. Our special interests/obsessions aren’t typically seen as strange given our age and sex. For example, a six-year-old autistic boy might be fascinated by WWII. I was interested in fetal development. People thought, “What’s so weird about that? She’s a little girl who loves babies.” We often play with Barbies or other dolls long after our peers have stopped. It helps autistic girls process social situations. When I was shamed out of liking Barbies, I started writing stories in notebooks or in my head. Autistic boys usually struggle with social communication from an early age, but autistic girls usually don’t have any major communication struggles until adolescence, when relationships, platonic or romantic, get way more complicated.  Since little autistic girls can mimic their neurotypical peers, and since some doctors only know how to look for Autism in boys, we tend to fly under the radar, causing that huge gender gap in diagnoses.

6. Mental illness is common with Autism, but NOT part of it.

I read an article by an autist in the UK who struggles to get help for his anxiety or depression because therapists have brushed him off, saying “Well, that’s just part of being Autistic, so it can’t be helped.” NO! Just like neurotypicals can be mentally healthy or unhealthy, Autistic people can be mentally healthy or unhealthy. Just because something is common for us doesn’t mean it’s how it’s supposed to be, or that it’ll always be that way, or that it’s part of who we are and we need to embrace it. People with mental illnesses should be embraced (literally or figuratively, depending on what they’re comfortable with). Mental illnesses should not be embraced. Ever. Because autistic kids and adults often face abuse, bullying, discrimination, and are ostracized, anxiety (especially social anxiety) and depression are common for us. In more serious cases, especially in autistic teens and young adults, dissociative disorders can develop. What’s worse, it doesn’t take much looking to find the dark corners of the internet where people, autistic or not, are encouraged to embrace their developing dissociative thoughts and feelings. I once saw an interview with someone who found healing from a dissociative disorder, and she gets emails every day from others with the same disorder she had who regret some of the things they were talked into doing while living with the condition and  who want to find the healing she did. She said many of them are autistic and under the age of twenty-five. Autistic people with mental illnesses shouldn’t be talked into believing their mental illnesses are a part of them, or not mental illnesses at all, or something to celebrate and cling to. I reject the notion we should have to settle for being ill in any way. We deserve to be as healthy and whole as anyone else, and it makes me sick there are so many internet predators preying on us in this way, and that there are therapists who think Autism and mental illness has to be a packaged deal.

7. If LGBT people were treated the way autistic people are by the media, it’d lead to outrage. But it seems like no one is outraged on our behalf.

We’ve seen the news stories, haven’t we? A couple invites the news over to their house, upsetting their autistic child who then has a meltdown, the meltdown is filmed and aired, and the parents are just like, “This is what our life is like because of Autism. And it sucks. Pity us.”

There was one video I saw... I’m just so enraged by it, even after two years. A mother was praised for her open honesty as she vilified her autistic son and complained about how he ruined her life and how hard it is to go out and have people stare. I’m sorry, hard for WHO??? I don’t even want to go into the details. I know only sharing this much doesn’t make it sound like that bad of a video, it’s just... ugh. Guys. It’d be a whole separate post. I can’t deal with it right now. 

If parents went on the news after their kid came out to them as gay, and wept and begged for pity and said some of the things this woman said of her autistic son (wondering what she did wrong that made her deserve this or that led to this or saying she doesn’t believe in God but finds herself praying anyway that God’ll “fix him”), America would call them the worst parents ever. But parents of autistic kids who do this are praised for their openness and vulnerability as they publicly shame their child.

Another time, after a mass shooting carried out by a teenage boy, the news reported that he was autistic and that might have contributed to the attack (there they go, combining mental illness with Autism as one and the same again).

If a pedophile were arrested, and they said on the news, “And we just got word that he’s gay, so that may be why,” there’d be a riot. But the news can pin autists as mass murderers and no one bats an eye!

All of May last year working at a clothing store, I watched as various departments filled up with pride t-shirts to get ready for June, and I couldn’t help but think,

Where were the Autism acceptance t-shirts in March to get ready for April?

I probably shouldn’t be so surprised with the media painting us as life-ruiners and life-enders. 

I know it’s a vile and disgusting thing for me to be jealous of LGBT people in this way, especially since they have their own struggles, too. I just wish society had our backs and celebrated us instead of wanting us “fixed,” for their own convenience, ya know?

8. Almost all of us hate Autism Speaks, and those who don’t are probably just new. XD

I used to be all “Light it up blue!” as well (even though that seemed weird to me, given blue lights might be overwhelming to some people on the spectrum). But then I read something on their site that made me feel really betrayed, and down the line, I learned most autistic people hate them... some because they saw them say the opposite of what I saw they said. Basically we all have different opinions but Autism Speaks spouts whatever information their donors want them to (sellouts), and that donated money doesn’t go towards helping us, but toward more fundraising or research on how to prevent people with our brain type. I guess they’re not fond of the artistic and scientific advancements we bring to the table. They should change those puzzle pieces from blue or multi-colored to white with black specks because they want a world that’s vanilla. 

9. Some of us still like the puzzle pieces, even if we hate Autism Speaks.

I’ve talked about this in a fanfic, but I’d love it if we could redeem the puzzle pieces, because they’re still a good analogy if you assign a different meaning. Autists and NTs are puzzling to each other, no sense denying that, but the more time we spend together, the more we start to understand each other. Also, Autism does have a lot of pieces, and figuring out I was autistic was like solving the puzzle of my life. The missing pieces came together and things became clearer and made more sense. Also also, some autistic people are really good at puzzles. And then there are autists like me who aren’t necessarily good at puzzles, but get totally absorbed in working on them anyway (my parents have been doing some puzzles during the quarantine lol they’re traps! TRAPS I SAY!!!).

Nevertheless, I understand why other autistis don’t like the puzzle pieces and prefer the rainbow infinity symbol, and I quite like it, too. It’s very pretty, and the way the colors fade together is a nice symbol of how it’s a spectrum.

It’s a sign of the infinite possibilities in our lives when we’re empowered, because we can do and have done good and great things in the world.

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Better Late Than Never

Characters: Bucky Barnes x Pregnant!Reader, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Rumlow

Word Count: 2,109

Warnings: mostly fluff, minor angst

Request by anon: Can I make a request where the reader is pregnant with Bucky’s kid so her life is constantly in danger because people either want her alive or dead and Bucky will do anything to keep her safe? Idk if that makes sense.

Summary: Your life is always put on the line because you’re Bucky’s best friend and also carrying his child. What no one else knows is that Nick Fury put a safe house aside for situations just like these kinds... whether Bucky knows or not.

Squares Filled: drunk dialing (C4) and presumed dead (K5) (card one and two) @buckybarnesbingo​ // no news is good news @as-the-saying-goes-bingo​ // best friend since childhood @marvelfluffbingo​ // “whatever it takes” @star-spangled-bingo​ // poor communication skills for @trope-bingo

Author’s Note: If you have any requests, please send them in! This is unbeta’d and any and all mistakes are all on me.

You and Bucky have an odd relationship, to say the least. Everyone asks if you’re a couple, and when you tell them no, they are shocked to hear that. You didn’t know Bucky back in the 40s, you only knew him when HYDRA got to him--when they were perfecting him to become the Winter Soldier. HYDRA kidnapped you from your hometown when they needed a nurse of sorts. They kept you alive with food, water, and a serum so as long as you tend to their soldiers when needed.

Bucky needed you the most.

When HYDRA put Bucky away once they were done toying with his mind, you would sneak into his room and wake him up just to talk to him. He would be Bucky when he was with you, while he’d be the Winter Solider whenever he was with everyone else. You tried to keep his mind sane, but it didn’t always work out. He tried not to hurt you in the process of hurting everyone else, but you’d never tell him what he’d do when he went Winter Soldier on your ass.

It was only until Steve rescued him that you got to know Bucky for who he is rather than what everyone else made him think. He got to be his own person, and that’s the person you fell in love with. He needed a serious detoxing, so he was sent to Wakanda to get the bad stuff erased from his mind…

You went with him on that, also.

There is nothing you wouldn’t do for Bucky, and everyone else sees it. They see the love you have whenever you stare at him or talk about him. They see the love he has for you whenever he takes care of you. He hasn’t been to the dark place in a long time, so it’s refreshing to see the smile shine through.

What makes people think you and Bucky are a thing is because you’re currently pregnant with his son. Steve told you the serum prevents pregnancy and sterilizes the user, but somehow, you and Bucky made a child together. Your son isn’t and wasn’t planned at all, and you can still remember the call you gave him asking him to come over and comfort you.

“Bucky, I need you right now. Please come over,” you drunk-beg.

You had been dealing with some stuff that lead to you being drunk off your ass, but the first person you called is Bucky, and he’d answer every single time.

“You’re drunk, Y/N, I don’t want to get in the middle of that,” he chuckles.

“Come on, James,” you purr. “Want to know what I’m wearing?”

“Y/N don’t do this. You’re drunk and we’re best friends,” he poorly begs.

You can hear the want in his voice.

“I bought this really cute lingerie piece that’s lace and has a bunch of holes like fishnet and it makes my breasts so full. I think I’m going to take it off, or do you want to do it for me?”

It’s no secret that you two share something special, but he never acted upon it. The other end of the line is quiet for a few seconds, and right when you thought he hung up, he says the one word you’ve been waiting for the entire night.

“Yes.”

That night was the only night you two ever got together, and it resulted in you two making a son. You’re six months pregnant, so you’re careful about who enters your life. Will you and Bucky ever be together like how you two want but won’t admit? You really don’t know. All you do know is that a lot of things are going to change once this baby is born. Bucky has always wanted to be a father, but you know there is some part of him that thinks he won’t do a good job.

All because of that damn serum.

There will always be threats just waiting to happen; it’s like that with all of the avengers. They have superpowers and superhuman strength and something that makes them more than ordinary, so there will always be people who want to challenge them or to get something from them. The day you met Bucky is the day you signed the end of your life (or that’s how he loves to put it).

You can take care of yourself no problem, but you have someone else to think about now. Danger can be in every corner, and you have to be prepared for it.

What you weren't prepared for is some of HYDRA’s thugs that have been sneaking around in the darkness wanting the Winter Slider to come back. These men are ruthless, and they will stop at nothing to get what they want. That means if you’re in their way, they will kill you if it means they get to have Bucky.

Nick Fury knew this was going to happen, so he set up a safe house for you. It’s a safe house that’s not in the system, so it’s really hard to find if they wanted to use you as leverage. Bucky and Steve had been out when Fury got you, and he took you away immediately. You didn't even have time to pack or leave a note. Fury assured you that everything you could ever need would be at the house, and to contact Bucky would be a bad idea.

If the bad guys really wanted to know where you were, having Bucky know would only put you in danger. If they think you’re dead, then Bucky will, and then he would have nothing to lose. It’s a stupid plan, but you don’t have anything better at the moment.

“Please, whatever it takes, make sure he doesn’t die. I am not letting my kid grow up without a father. Please, Nick,” you beg as soon as he drops you off at the cabin.

“I’ll do my best. Don’t have the baby without us,” he says and drives off.

“How long do you plan on keeping me here?!” you yell after him, but you get no response.

All you can do now is wait and worry because you know you won’t do anything else.

Bucky’s glad to have the avengers back him up on this. They know he’s done some destructive stuff,  but they’ve forgiven him for that. Even Tony, which is surprising since he watched the video of his parents dying over and over again. Still, he could use all the help he can get right now.

It’s a good thing Bucky has a metal arm because he would certainly be dead with the way these HYDRA guys are treating it. Everyone on his team has a person they need to deal with, and Bucky is dealing with the leader of the crew. No words are exchanged throughout the fight, but his actions do the talking for him.

Rumlow aims at Bucky, but the former Winter Soldier knocks the gun out of his hands as if it were a feather. Bucky raises his metal fist, ready to rain fire down on Rumlow, but his words stop him.

“Searched for your girl, and guess what we found. The house in disarray. Guess she’s dead, and she took that son of yours along with her,” he laughs.

Bucky puts all his force behind the punch as his metal fist makes contact with Rumlow’s face. Bucky doesn't know what he’s talking about, but he hasn’t heard anything from you in days. Are you really dead? Is his entire family just gone?

He uses that anger and motivation to kill every single last HYDRA member before rushing over to where Tony and Steve are.

“Tell me it isn’t true!”

“Whoa, what’s going on, Buck?” Steve asks.

“Is Y/N dead? Where the hell is she?”

“Easy there, Manchurian Candidate,” Tony states and holds his hand up.

“Find out where she is!”

“Alright, fine.”

“She’s not dead, right?” Bucky asks his other best friend.

“Let’s hope not. We don’t know until we know, so let’s not lose our heads right now,” Steve says calmly as Tony leaves to go find where you are.

It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours, and Bucky is already losing his mind over the thought of you being dead. You can’t be dead because then that would mean everything you have ever sacrificed for him would have been for nothing. The thought of losing you makes him want to do something he might regret, but you have that effect on him. You’re his best friend, the love of his life, and the mother of his unborn child.

If you’re dead, then he may as well be.

“Just remember, Buck,” Steve begins as he leads him away from the mess they left, “no news is good news. Don’t jump to conclusions just because you might not hear from anyone.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he whispers, but his mind is already going to the dark place in which you can only pull him out.

“That’s it? That’s the whole battle? What was the point of bringing me here if I was only going to stay here for less than a day?” you ask and get inside the car with Fury.

“They showed up at your house. Had you been there, you would have been dead. It was smart bringing you here.”

“Is Bucky okay? Please tell me you didn’t kill him,” you sigh.

“Bucky is fine. He’s worried about you more than anything. At least, that’s what I hear,” he chuckles and drives away from your little sanctuary.

“Did you tell him I’m fine? Where I was?”

“We might need this place again. It’s best not to tell anyone where you’ve been. If they ask, just say you were safe. Trust me, it’s better in the long run that no one knows about this place.”

“I know about it.”

“And I’m asking you to not tell anyone about it.”

“Fine, just take me to Bucky, please.”

Fury does exactly as he’s told and takes you to where the love of your life is. You don’t wait until the car is stopped to hop out and head inside the Avenger’s towers. Everyone is on the first floor, and Bucky is the only one pacing. Steve sees you, and he stands up immediately.

“Bucky?” you ask before Steve had a chance to say anything about you to him.

All heads turn to you, and Bucky is the only one that comes barreling at you. He wraps you in his arms and tries not to crush you as he gives you a big hug.

“Where the hell were you? Rumlow said you might be dead and the house was torn apart,” he asks once he sets you down. “Are you two okay?”

“We’re fine, Bucky. I was safe, okay? I wasn’t anywhere near the danger, I promise. I can’t tell you where I’ve been, it’s top secret. Just know I was perfectly fine--we were just fine.”

“I thought I lost you,” he mumbles and reaches into his jacket pocket.

“I know, and I’m sorry. But I’m here. I’m okay,” you try to calm him down.

“Just know this isn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. I’ve actually thought a lot about this,” he says just as he takes out a ring.

“Bucky, what are you doing?” you ask, completely forgetting about the audience you two have.

“What I should have done the moment you told me I was going to be a dad because I knew you were the one for me.”

“We haven’t even dated,” you whisper.

“But you’re my best friend, and we’re having a kid, and we live together. I want to do this with you, and you’re the only one I want to do it with. You were there for me in my darkest days, and I need to show you I can be here for yours. I’m not sure what else to say except for this: will you marry me?”

Everyone else had smiles on their faces as they wait for you to make a decision. Bucky is your one true love, and there is nothing that can make this moment sour. You hate that it took you this long to figure out what you two are, but better late than never.

“Yes,” you smile and graciously accept his ring.

He pulls you in and plants a kiss to your lips as everyone else cheers for you two. You’ll always be in the line of danger, but if you’re by Bucky’s side, then you know you’ll be able to get through it together.

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