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crymeariveronceagain · 2 years ago

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yo river hey!! i'm just. a little confused and trying to understand your opinion here (if you don't have the time or energy to explain it to me, that's all good! just feel free to delete this ask!) Please know that this is not coming from a judgemental or arguing kind of place in my heart, I just want to know your perspective fully and truly understand. (again, hope that's alright!)

So, Turning Red--to me--was not a story that truly focused on the period aspect, but used it as a topic instead to crutch on the way that Mei was growing up and apart from her mother.

She comes from a family of generational trauma toward a matriarchy, and from some of my friends who kind of share that culture, it's apparently very common for Asian parents to have quite high standards for their kids because of this.

And not only that, but Ming is vicariously living her life through Mei, kind of trying to make sure that she lives up to those standards that were placed in her head all her life. So when she goes and finds Mei Lee, and assumes that she just got her period, that does not come off as?? I dunno uncaring to me? She freaks out a little, but ultimately goes and gets multiple packages of different types of feminine products to support her daughter.

She wasn't really that calm truly, but I found that to be played off a little bit as comedy. Like just as a "oh man! what a huge stepping stone in my daughter's life that I really don't wanna mess up!" However, I can also definitely see where you're coming from with her being uncomfortable with it. I think I started my period when I was eleven, and my mom was able to calmly explain it to me.

But ah. it's not always like that. Like my grandma? Never told my mom what was happening. School for her? Never even taught it. My mom got her period when she was nine in a snowstorm at her dad's house.

She thought she was dying!!!

I'm not saying that is even close to an appropriate response to a girl getting her period, especially when it's on the younger side of the spectrum like that. But I also kind of factored in that the little panic was mostly to play off of the small rush of panic that usually comes with first getting your period. When I had my period the first few times? I cried. My mom was there the whole time and consoled me, but it was still scary for me!

And not to excuse Ming's later actions either. Like going to school at stalking Mei and showing pads to her entire eighth grade class was literally so blown out of proportion. It was really inexcusable. But (please please please correct me here if I am being wrong)

But isn't that kind of the point?

Ming's character is overprotective to the point where she's really overbearing on Mei's life choices. And if it were only her period, then it would be different, but that's the theme of the movie. It's the fact that now that she's thirteen, Mei is now really fighting to become her own person. And because of their lifestyle, their cultures, their beliefs, Ming is trying to pull back at that.

Mei wants to hang out with her friends (who Ming doesn't approve of,) she wants to start to have crushes on boys (which Ming things is completely out of proportion,) and she wants to go to a concert (that Ming does not think is worth her time.)

The entire point of the movie is Mei and Ming's battle as Mei matures at what they want their relationship to be. To extreme forces tugging at one another building tension until the very climax of the movie. And I can definitely see where the representation of periods in general was not the way it should have gone, but I guess I'm asking that if, with the characters, should it have gone the calmly explaining route?

In my view it was just kind of that rising tension, that starting point, that culmination of the curse and Mei's frustrations with her mother shown in a huge, sloppy, embarrassing way, that made the viewer--my mom and I at least--cringe. Because that's the start of the time where Mei starts to rebel, and honestly she should! Ming was really invading her privacy there.

Not to say this movie is like. The pinnacle of children's cinema. It was alright, it had a lot of issues like you said, but it kind of felt like to me like Ming's reaction was not justified, but necessary for the plot to move forward and the characters to begin their arcs of development, and to find a healthy relationship full of trust.

Was the period representation the best? Not even close. Was it realistic and even relatable for more than one age demographic, and made logical sense in the movie? To me, yeah.

But anyway, like I said please feel free to correct me on any parts that you disagree with, this is just my opinion, and feel free to tell me yours! (But also this ask is. Really long. So please don't feel obligated to do so anytime in the near future.)

Hope you have an amazing rest of your day/night!

<3 Hey Tobi!

I agree with everything you say here! It's definitely intended as a story about parental pressure and living vicariously through your children. I'm not denying that at all.

It's a lot about the mom's pent up issues, and her own faults and problems. The story is definitely a 'coming of age' story in the most obvious way. It's about becoming your own person, and in this case, a young woman. I understood that completely when watching this.

Also! Getting your period is scary! Especially when it happens younger than most other people, and you're not prepared! It's scary as heck!

However, the thing is, for me, I can't see this just as a story, because it's not. Like, it is, but really, this was marketed to kids. The story was sold to ten year olds. And not the ten year olds from 2002, the ten year olds of today. It was marketed to both boys and girls, and the younger the kids are, the more likely that this is going to be their first experience with such topics as periods, or even puberty. Because of that, when writing this story, it's not just about the story. It's about the message, who you're selling it to, and why.

Now, I can find a bunch of articles that state how Turning Red was pushing for "period positivity" and that's just not what I got from those scenes. Especially if you're looking at it through the eyes of a ten year old who has very little idea what's happening.

I completely agree that the mom definitely cares about her kid, but. Look. The mom is so nervous about it. I understand that it was played up for comedy, but it's not good. She's visibly horrified because her thirteen year old daughter is going through a normal bodily change. In my opinion, that's not how we should introduce kids to the concept of periods, through the image of a terrified mom rushing around and embarrassing her daughter a ton. She exclaims things like "IT'S TOO SOON!" and then uses horribly nuanced language to make every adult in the room visibly cringe. I read fanfiction, I know exactly "petals" are. It made me screech. Audibly.

I'm pretty comfortable with talking about periods, and I'm way more open about it than my parents are. But that's because I've been taught that it's normal and something like, 99.9% of women are going to experience.

But the thing is, I'm an adult. I know things about being an adult that a ten year old doesn't.

But I was ten like, eight or nine years ago, now. I kind of remember it.

What you're going to do, as a nervous kid going through puberty, is remember everything you've learned about periods from everywhere. For me, I remembered the tiniest excerpt of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume, that I'd read. It was one of the few things that actually talked about periods. I also remembered what my mom had said.

Now, if I was a little girl, and I saw that movie, I would look at the sheer embarrassment that radiates off of Mei and her mother, and watch all the uncomfortable situations that happen possibly because Mei got her period, and I would immediately think, "Is that how all parents react?"

If I was a little boy, watching that movie, having the knowledge of female anatomy that most little boys have, I'd probably think, "Wow, this is so embarrassing for girls. I better never talk about it, because it's so embarrassing!"

Know why?

Kids are stupid. And I mean this as someone who loves kids, who wants kids, who loves and respects kids as people, and wants them to be treated with dignity. There are limits to what children have the mental capacity to understand.

Kids will believe everything at face value, because they don't have the mental processes to perfectly separate reality from fiction, yet. This is why kids are so imaginative, because for them, much of their lives is imaginary. And this doesn't go away quickly.

While most ten year olds can distinguish that fairies and monsters aren't real, explain to them how a movie set in a modern-esque world, about things they normally hear about, isn't entirely based in reality? It becomes a lot harder.

A main part of the movie is centered around how extraordinary Mei's transformation is. Will little kids be able to tell that "The red panda" is literally just a giant motif for the theme of puberty? No. Because kids haven't taken English classes yet. They're still learning how to spell "It's" and "its" properly.

So what they're going to see is a story about normalcy and reality that's infringed with the fantastical. And like, that's all fine and good, but what the "period positivity" pushes is the idea that it is embarrassing.

Kids can't process the idea that the red panda is symbolizing puberty as a whole.

This was marketed to ten year olds. Know how I know? My ten year old sister was the one who convinced us to watch it. She was the only one in our family who was excited to watch it. Because it was marketed to her.

That, whether we wanted it to be or not, became the first experience my sister had(our family so far has tended towards getting our womanly weeks at around 12-13, so my mom waits to give the talks until about age 11 or so) with topics of periods was that movie.

What's her takeaway going to be?

A movie isn't just a movie. It's a message. Same thing with a story. This is something I have to think about a lot when writing, and especially when talking about more mature topics(for instance, in my works, things like twisted family dynamics, abuse, bullying, trauma, etc.) I control the narrative. I need to make sure that in my writing, I'm not glorifying something horrible. The mood that a scene gives off, and the effect it has on the emotions of the viewer is entirely purposeful and intended.

My problem isn't with the scenes itself, I suppose, really. It's with the reaction to them. If you're going to name scenes as normalizing puberty and periods, then how about the scenes actually do what they said they were, instead of making a joke about how uncomfortable and awful it is to get a period? Like, why not write the exact same scenes, but just make the period a source of less embarrassment, a thing that doesn't even have to be discussed all that much because it's just normal. Instead, we get tenseness, nervousness, embarrassment, and just. A lot of things that little kids never ever ever want to have to deal with.

Through Turning Red, the writers wanted that awful feeling of discomfort, of terror, to be what the viewers felt when they discussed periods. And that's what I disliked about their discussions of periods. If it had been a scenes with a calmer people, less tense music, mood, and writing, less embarrassing situations, maybe I'd think it did what people said it did, and normalized periods.

But it didn't.

It simply taught a crowd of young kids that periods are embarrassing. And that's my problem with it.

Well. One of my problems with it. I have a lot of issues with Turning Red. One of them is the plot itself, and the way the story is told. Another of them is the sexualization of minors. And then it's this period thing.

I agree, it was most definitely not the pinnacle of children's cinema(that is and always will be Studio Ghibli's My Neighbor Totoro{It could also be argued that Disney's Alice In Wonderland is pretty high up on the charts, since you can sit down even the most frisky kiddo in front of it and they will be transfixed and not move for the entire movie}), and I agree, that the movie was a lot about the mom and the daughter's relationship, as well as just a general coming of age story.

However, the metaphor of the red panda was definitely about periods, about puberty, and what not.

And it just felt so horribly cringey.

Even though I watched this movie nearly a year ago, I can't get over their sloppy depiction of it.

It's just not what should have been done.

#anyways #thanks for the ask!#love u tobi <3 #not fandom content in specific #turning red #river's controversial thoughts #ig #lol #<3

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stray-kids-react · 4 years ago

Text

SKZ reacting to edits of their new male member

Masterlist

...

Bang Chan

° It was a Chan's Room vlive, and fans were thrilled to ask him about you. Chan read through the thousands of comments about the new member, but one link caught his attention particularly.

° He copied the link quickly, whilst explaining his first impression of you when you joined the band. Gushing over how quiet and nervous you seemed, especially when you were around Chan himself.

° Once the video started, it had cute gifs and videos of you doing soft aegyo while the sweetie pie song played over it. Chan thought that'd be the whole video, but he was sadly mistaken once the song changed.

° A flustered giggle left Chan's mouth as his ears turned bright red, feeling as though he shouldn't be watching this. It was as if he just walked in on you changing, it just made him feel very embarrassed and flustered.

° Once the 1:34 second video ended, a long pause filled the live. He tried to gain composure after what he just witnessed, but his shy state of mind was still very clear amongst the fans who were watching.

"That was great editing... *giggle* I don't think I've seen y/n in that way before."

Lee Know

° It came up on his YouTube recommendations, as he was watching crack edits fans made of him and his members. Minho never saw an edit made to show the duality, except for ones of him.

° He honestly wasn't fazed at all by the edit, approving of your sexy side. He soon watched other edits of the members and gave them each a like. Minho was the one who sent you the video, with a smirk emoji.

° You knew it was either something to make you flustered or something very random. That made up most of your conversations with Minho through text, especially if he had the smirk emoji after the link.

° The next day, a sly smirk will be plastered all over his features. Mimicking the moves you made in the fan made edit, even going as far to make Han play the song in your edit as he mimicked you.

° Won't ever let that edit go, just because he loves how flustered you get by it. He'll giggle at you when you cover your face, feeling proud that his hot stage presence has rubbed off on you.

"I am sexy, you are sexy, let's be a sexy team together. What do you say?"

Changbin

° While working on their comeback with you, Changbin got a notification on his laptop. The thumbnail was you with devil horns and a halo. His curiosity got the beat of him, so he clicked on the fan made edit of you.

° Changbin could only smile nervously when the hot edits came into play, many involving hip thrusts and grinding. He felt very uncomfortable, mostly because he saw you as brother more than anything else.

° It made things 10× worse by you being in the room with him, watching the edit next to him. Both of you at loss of words, never thinking that either of you would be in this type of situation together.

° Changbin began to chuckle at how weird things felt, asking you to promise him that you'd both forget this ever happened. Even thought it will probably haunt both of you for the rest of your career together.

° He continued on working on different side tracks for the album, both of you chuckling randomly at the reminder of what you had just witnessed. But both of you promised to not tell the other members.

"Lets promise to try and forget we watched this and not tell the members about this."

Hyunjin

° Both of you were quite close and showed and each other everything, whenever a hot edit of either of you came across your phone's. Both of you would just laugh it off, amused to see either of you so serious.

° Both of you know that fans will find you hot, even if you don't see why in certain situations. Neither of feel uncomfortable with seeing edits of each other, knowing it is simply part of being an idol.

° That still won't stop either of you from laughing when you see clips of each other with sensual music over it. Hyunjin laughs especially hard if he knows the clips and what actually happened behind scenes.

° There was one clip of you drinking water and fans went nuts, even though they always seem to cut out the scene where you choke on the water because of Jeongin's very effective aegyo.

° Hyunjin can make a big out of it, usually laughing with a slightly disgusted face. But he means no harm when doing it, he just wants to play around with you and knows you would do the same with him.

"Y/n, why do change so drastically whenever you wear an opened shirt on stage?"

Han

° Tries to act like he isn't fazed by the fan made videos of you that Minho is showing him, but he is and it shows through his blushing cheeks. His way of dealing with this is to try and laugh off the awkward tension.

° He thought that bringing it up to you would make it more awkward, but he found out that seeing you clueless as you why he keeps looking at you with a surprised glaze over his eyes is much more nerve racking.

° The next day you'd confront him on being so award around you, asking what you may have done to make him uncomfortable. Instead of avoiding the topic, he just admitted to watching a fan video of you.

° You laughed uncontrollably at his confession, after so much worrying that you offended him or made him un easy. Instead, he was just flustered by how hot and sensual you were in the fan made video.

° He promised to not make you worry anymore, and will not trust anything the Minho sends him with a smirk emoji. You both look back at that whole scenario and still laugh at how silly it truly was.

"I promise not to make you worry again, or answer Minho when he is smirking."

Felix

° Everyone knows Felix is a king of duality, so he honestly isn't that fazed when he sees edits like this of you. He will however become giggly and a show off his sunshine smile, but that's only because it's you.

° It's strange for him to see you as a sensual sex appeal, when you were the same person who cuddled him when the power went out during a bad storm. And also cuddles him daily to his appreciation.

° Isn't fazed by fan edits, but can get uncomfortable when it comes to people Iver sexualizing you. Such as trying to see how big your dick is through leather pants or only calling you just a sexy visual.

° He won't bring up the edits to you unless you show them directly to him, he knows how it feels to be embarrassed by sexy edits. Mostly because of natural and human insecurities, and knowing it is made public.

° Felix won't tease you about your edits, even though he giggles when witnessing one its only because he sees you as a cuddly teddy bear. He won't hesitate to try and hide any overly sexual content of you from the public.

"Don't worry about it, me and jyp will find a way to delete that post. Stay calm."

Seungmin

° Will hype you up in a soft way, he'll cheer quietly when reacting to an edit and even clap when it ends. Seungmin is just proud to see how far your stage presence has come, and it happy that you were able to debut.

° Doesn't try to see these edits as sensual videos, rather than the fans appreciating your visuals and amazing presence. He will however get a bit bashful if the clips aren't from stage performances.

° Cheers you on cutely when you do a sexy dance for the fans during concerts, giggling afterwards when you become a bashful mess and hide behind someone... Usually Hyunjin because he's the tallest.

° Prefers you softer edits rather then your Spicy ones, mostly because there is a less chance of being flustered and becoming red with the softer edits. Even if sometimes they make him cringe on the inside.

° Seungmin is your shy hype man that is honestly just so proud of you, and isn't ashamed to tell you how proud he is of you. He loves how fans welcomed you to the group even if you debuted later than the others.

"Y/n worked so hard to get here, and I feel like a proud brother by just watching him."

Jeongin

°Jeongin is a the maknae and it truly shows during almost everything, from his natural aegyo to his charming stage presence. However it also shows when he playfully teases you for your fan edits.

° Jeongin won't take it too far, but just enough to make your ears turn red. He enjoys seeing you become so flustered over something you did. It makes him confused but also very satisfied.

° Jeongin doesn't like the sexy edits as much as the cuter themed ones, but will still use them against you nonetheless. But that's only ever yo get a reaction out of you and show you how much fans love you.

° He gets bashful from hsi edits, and will beg on his knees for you not to play them. He just can't stand watching himself being sexy or cute with everyone around it watch. It feels different on stage however.

° He'll feel bad if you get very shy from an edit, so he'll hug you as an apology and bribe you back to trust with some snacks. You adore Jeongin's behaviour, seeing him as an adorable brother to you.

#skz smut #stray kids #kpop #changbin #skz scenarios #stray kids reactions #han jisung #hyunjin #jeongin #lee know #bang chan #felix skz #skz seungmin #skz reactions #skz requests

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invisibleanonymousmonsters · 5 years ago

Text

Mobster!Steve Rogers - Pt. III

Part I & Part II

WARNING: violence and abuse

---------------------------

“Well, you’re being awfully quiet today…”

Steve snapped out of his thoughts. “Huh?”

His mother smiled, already knowing her son wasn’t listening to a word she was saying.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Stevie?”

“Nothing. Sorry, ma. I’m just tired.” He sighed.

But Sarah Rogers didn’t believe him one bit. “You sure it doesn’t have to do with that gal you took out the other week?”

Steve’s face scrunched in confusion, truly not realizing who she was talking about. Then it clicked. “Oh, Stacey? No. I wasn’t thinking – No, mom. She’s not the one for me.”

Sarah chuckled. “You say that about all them, you know.”

Steve’s bright blue eyes went distant. “Not all of them.”

His mother seemed to be able to read his mind. “Yeah? Well, you sure as hell messed that one up, didn’t you?”

Steve rubbed his face, clearly exhausted. “Please, ma. Not today.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad honey. I just worry about you.”

“You ain’t got nothing to worry about, ma. I’m fine. Always am.”

Sarah sighed. “Had I known how this throne would’ve lay on your head, I would’ve never allowed your dad insist on letting you take over the family business.”

Steve just stared at her, unsure of what she was trying to say.

“You’ve always been soft, Steve. Gentle. Kind. Empathetic. You got those bits from me.” She smiled sadly. “But your father only wanted to see the parts of you that were like him. I know you believed you didn’t have a choice. But you did. I just wish I had made that clearer. But you were grieving your father. I don’t think you would’ve listened to me anyway.”

“I don’t think I would’ve either, ma.”

“Your father managed to keep me and you safe, didn’t he?”

“Yeah. He did,” Steve confirmed.

“So, why are you so convinced that anyone you love will be given a death sentence, sweetheart?”

——————————————————

Steve opened the front door of his brownstone mansion. He shook the rain off his umbrella and gave a half glance to the two parked cars on the street that were always filled with men running security on his home.

A rumble of thunder erupted just as he closed the door behind him. It coincided with Bucky’s steps hurrying down the stairs.

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to call your for 2 hours?” Bucky snapped at him.

Steve glared at his best friend, but was more annoyed than angry. “I was at my ma’s. You know I turn off my phone when I’m there.”

Bucky sighed then, taking in his friend’s appearance before continuing. “We have a situation…”

The genuine concern and seriousness in his tone finally caught Steve’s attention. “What? What’s going on?”

Bucky’s confidence from earlier had disappeared. Now he was unsure of how to approach the topic.

“Buck, what is it?” Steve snapped.

“Y/N,” Bucky quickly replied. “Y/N’s here.”

Steve swore his heart dropped to his stomach. “Y/N? Y/F/N Y/L/N?”

Bucky just nodded. “She showed up at your front door, soaked to the bone and shaking. She asked to see you. Said she would’ve called but she deleted your number after – well, after the last time you two saw each other.” Bucky shifted his weight. “When I tried to ask her what was going on, she wouldn’t talk.”

Steve was still processing that she was in his home. “Where is she?”

Bucky pointed to the staircase behind him with his thumb. “She’s waiting for you in your study.”

But as Steve quickly stepped by him, Bucky gently grabbed him by the arm to stop him.

“Steve, I don’t think she’s OK. She’s…different.”

It was the only warning Steve would get before he made his way to the study.

He knocked on the door twice before opening it, mostly to make sure he didn’t scare her. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even turn around when he entered.

Steve immediately noticed the suit jacket draped over her shoulders. Then he remembered that Bucky didn’t have one when he’d greeted him downstairs.

Ever so slowly, Steve stepped around the chair.

“Y/N?” He addressed her quietly.

But what he saw was not the Y/N he had said goodbye to just over a year ago.

Y/N had lost weight – too much weight. She was just skin and bones now. There were shadows under her eyes, like she hadn’t slept in weeks. Even though her hair was still drying from the rain, Steve knew it would not have the same shine that he still dreamed of touching.

Bucky was right about the shaking. She did a good job of hiding it, but Steve saw the slight tremble in her hands as they fidgeted in her lap.

She wouldn’t look him in the eye. Her head hung low and she stared down at her hands in her lap.

“Hi,” She muttered. Her eyes flickered up to meet his, but only for a second.

“What’s going on, Y/N?” He didn’t bother asking if she was OK. It was very clear that she was not.

“Ummm…I’m sorry for barging in on your…life…like this.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he stopped her gently. He slowly kneeled in front of her in hopes that he could get her to actually look at him. “You got nothin’ to be sorry for. Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on, OK?”

She finally got pulled into his gaze, losing her train of thought for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah. OK.”

“Can I get you something to drink? Tea? Coffee?”

But she shook her head immediately. “No. Bucky already asked. Thank you.”

She went silent again.

Steve didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to pressure her. But it was obvious something had gone very wrong. “How about you take a shower first? I’ll get you some dry clothes? And then maybe we can talk. How about that?”

Y/N swallowed, but said nothing.

“Y/N, you’re shivering. You’re gonna catch a cold if don’t get you out of these wet clothes.”

“O-Okay,” she finally stuttered a response.

30 minutes later, Y/N was wrapped in a robe, sitting on one of the couch’s in Steve’s living room, a giant mug of warm coffee in her grasp.

“I’m sorry about all of this. I didn’t…I didn’t know where else to go,” Y/N began. “A month or so after I…after I last saw you, my apartment building got bought by this man. I didn’t think anything of it. Never thought anyone would ever put a face to his name. But then he happened to be there one day, just hanging outside my building.”

Y/N take a deep breath, not sure how she wanted to continue. “I don’t know. He-He took a liking to me...or something.” She shook her head at how embarrassing it sounded. “He wouldn’t leave me alone. I tried to be polite and distant. But he – I quickly realized he’s a dangerous man. He’s a crook that’s clearly made a lot of money from being a bully.”

Steve clenched his jaw, but made sure he continued listening.

“His infatuation turned possessive and obsessive. His men watch the building. There’s always at least one following me. He sends me flowers to my work.” She took in a shaky breath. “My rejections didn’t upset him because he thought it was all a game. But he made one thing very clear: if he couldn’t have me, no one could.”

Steve was now trying to control his breathing.

Y/N’s eyes glazed over with tears and her bottom lip shook.

“Before I knew better, I went on a date. I thought – God, I was so stupid. I thought if he saw me with another guy, he’d just back off.”

“But he didn’t,” Steve answered for her.

She shook her head. “When he found the guy walking me home, he picked a fight. Beat him to a pulp. My date ended up being hospitalized for a month. And it was all my fault.”

“Y/N, listen to me. None of that is your fault.”

But she would never listen to such comforts.

And there was more.

“After that, things just got worse. I knew I was always being watched, being followed. I stopped seeing my friends. I stopped seeing my family. I was scared if he found out who they were, he’d use them against me – hurt them.”

“I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I started drinking more – more than I should. I keep calling into work sick because I’m scared to leave my apartment. I’m losing my mind.”

Her tears finally started falling as she looked at him. “I didn’t want to bring you into any of this. I just didn’t know what else to do. I know he’s friends with cops, so I couldn’t go to them. I’m sorry. I just – I’m so helpless.”

Steve couldn’t handle it anymore. He pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly as she sobbed into his chest.

“You did the right thing, coming to me. I wish you’d done it sooner,” he whispered to her.

“I deleted your number after everything. I didn’t want the… temptation? I don’t even know. I remembered where you lived. But I couldn’t – I had to make sure they didn’t follow me here.” She was talking too fast now. The tears and emotion were putting her in a frenzy.

Steve hushed her, telling her to just breathe.

It took awhile for her crying to finally subside. But that didn’t mean he loosened his hold on her at all.

“What’s his name?”

The question came out like ice. It was even, slow, but terrifyingly cold.

Y/N’s body tensed. This was the moment she’d been dreading.

She pulled away so she could look at him. “His name is Brock.”

Steve’s face darkened. “Brock?” He growled. “As in Brock Rumlow?”

Y/N looked scared from his sudden shift. “You know him?”

“Oh, I know him,” he already started to carefully shift her body out of his lap and back to the couch.

“Steve, wait!” She quickly grabbed his wrist before he could get up. “I didn’t come here to find a killer.”

He paused.

“Please,” Y/N whispered. “Don’t do what I think you’re going to. That’s not why I came to you.”

Steve literally felt sick from the confession. “Then why did you come here, Y/N?”

“I just…wanted to feel safe. I’m tired of being scared.”

It was her turn to stand up now.

“Where are you going?” Steve asked as he too shot to his feet.

“I can’t stay here.” Her eyes raced around the room wildly. “Brock. He’ll notice I’ve been gone.”

“Y/N,” Steve tried to grab her attention quietly.

She ignored him.

“Y/N!” He grabbed her shoulders.

She finally acknowledged him.

“I’m not letting you leave. Not tonight. The storm’s only getting worse.” He sighed. “I’m just…I’m not letting you leave like this, OK?”

“But–”

“When was the last time you got a full night’s rest, huh?”

Y/N blinked at the question.

“Just…stay the night. You can sleep in one of the guest rooms. I’ll take you back to your place tomorrow morning.”

“No.”

Steve brows raised. “No?”

“I’ll stay the night. But you can’t take me back to my place.”

He slowly reached for both of her hands. “Y/N, I’m not going to let him keep doing this to you.”

“You can’t kill him, Steve. I don’t want that. I’d never want that.”

“Fine. If that’s what you want.” Then his eyes dimmed. “But I am going to make myself very clear.”

“Fine,” she agreed. “Just not tomorrow, OK?”

“Not tomorrow,” he repeated.

Steve showed her to one of the guest bedrooms. Of course it was the one closest to the master suite.

“I have four men stationed outside the house. There’s two security guards in the basement. Bucky’s staying the night. And I’ll be just a room over, OK?”

She nodded shyly.

“No one’s going to bother you here. You’re safe. Just get some sleep. And sleep in as long as you want tomorrow, got it?”

She nodded again.

“Alright. Goodnight, Y/N.” He started backing away from the door.

“Wait,” she called out.

He waited.

Y/N pulled him into a hug. “Thank you, Steve,” she whispered into his shoulder.

He hugged her back. “You don’t have to thank me, Y/N.”

——————————————————

When Steve awoke the next day, the guest bedroom door was open and the bed was neatly made. It was like Y/N had never been there. Steve quickened his pace as he went down the stairs, expecting to find her in the kitchen.

But only Bucky waited for him, drinking coffee and reading the paper.

“Where’s Y/N?” Steve asked.

“She left,” Bucky answered without looking up.

“Left? What the hell do you mean ‘she left’?”

Bucky finally tore his eyes away from the paper. “Look, I tried to stop her, but I wasn’t about to tackle the poor thing.”

“Did you at least put her into one of our cars?”

Bucky shook his head. “She said it would just make things worse, whatever the hell that means.”

“Christ,” Steve hissed as a hand rubbed his face.

“I did manage to give her your number, and mine. Told her to call us if she needed anything.”

Steve nodded his thanks.

“Steve, what the hell happened to her?”

“Rumlow. Rumlow is what happened to her.”

“Rumlow?” Bucky spat with disgust and disbelief. “What’d he do?”

“He got a liking to her about a year ago. And he’s been emotionally and mentally abusing her since. He watches her every move, won’t take no for an answer. He sent a guy to the hospital for just taking her on a date.”

“Jesus Christ,” Bucky muttered.

“She knows he’s got connections, so she can’t go to the police.” Steve shook his head. “I realized I’ve never seen her really scared until last night.”

“So…when are we killing him?” Bucky asked.

“We can’t.”

“What the hell you mean we can’t?” Bucky fired back. “Brock’s been a pain in the ass since we started taking over this city. Hell, we’d be doing a lot of people a fuckin’ favor by tossing his corpse in the Hudson River.”

“She asked me not to, Buck.”

“Yeah, because she’s scared out of her god damn mind, Steve!”

“She doesn’t want that kind of guilt, Bucky!” Steve surprised him by yelling. “Remember what that felt like: guilt?”

“So you’re just going to throw her to the wolves?” Bucky challenged.

“Of course not. I’ll rough him up. Make it clear what will happen if he doesn’t leave her the hell alone.”

“Well, I’m not missing it. When do we leave?”

Steve shook his head. “Not until tonight. We got a lot of meetings to handle today. And I want to make sure to catch him off guard.”

Bucky nodded.

———————————-

It was hard for Steve to focus on anything. He texted Y/N multiple times, making sure she was OK. She gave one or two word answers. Distant and straightforward. She texted as if Brock was even reading her messages.

Bucky would eye him every once in awhile, fully aware that Steve was anything but present for these meetings. He couldn’t blame him though.

After a long day, the sun was just about to hit the horizon.

Steve was on one of the balconies of his house, a glass of bourbon in his hand.

He could hear Bucky walking up behind him quietly.

“Promise me something?” Steve asked.

“Anything.”

“Don’t let me get carried away.” It was code for ‘don’t let me kill him.’

Bucky hesitated. “I promise.”

“She’ll know. And then she’ll never look at me the same way.”

Before Bucky could say anything more, Steve’s cellphone started ringing.

As soon as he saw Y/N’s name on the screen, he picked up.

“Y/N?”

But Steve was immediately met with sobbing. He locked eyes with Bucky, showing his panic.

“Y/N! Y/N, I need you to breathe, OK? Just breathe. Calm down. Just calm down and tell me what happened.”

She did as she was told, forcing Steve to hear the struggles to control herself and fight her way out of the panic attack.

“He k-k-knew, Steve. He knew something was up. Then he-he grabbed my phone,” she inhaled shakily. “He saw your messages…” Her words died down.

Steve’s jaw clenched. “Y/N, did he hurt you?”

Y/N only responded with the sniffles she couldn’t control.

“Y/N, did he touch you?”

But she wouldn’t answer.

“Steve, please just come get me.”

————————————-

Bucky was driving the SUV through the streets of Manhattan like a madman. Two other cars tailed them, filled with Steve’s most loyal men.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Steve hissed as he stared out the windshield.

“Don’t get sloppy, Steve. I know this is personal. But you don’t want any of this shit falling back on her.”

“I know,” Steve replied.

He was almost disturbingly calm.

Which actually made Bucky more worried.

The SUV had barely even stopped before Steve threw open the door.

He instantly spotted one of Rumlow’s men, loitering outside the entrance to the building. Steve could recognize a goon with his eyes closed.

“Hey!” He barked. “You work for Rumlow?”

The man didn’t answer, just immediately fumbled for what Steve could only assume was a gun.

But he was too slow.

Steve swung and knocked him unconscious and off his feet in one hit. He reached down for the man’s gun and dismantled the pieces, tossing the stray bullets into the bushes.

The lock of the entrance couldn’t hold a harsh shove from Steve, easily granting him access to the building.

He heard Bucky barking orders to his men before he hurried to catch up to him.

Steve mentally told himself to calm down when he got to Y/N’s door. The last thing he needed was to scare her just as much as Brock did.

He knocked three times. “Y/N, it’s me. I’m coming in, OK?”

The door was unlocked. Steve slowly on entered.

The kitchen was empty. So was the living room.

“Y/N?” Steve called out carefully.

Bucky was checking all the blind spots, a gun ready in his grasp.

Steve was starting to get worried when he didn’t find her in the bedroom.

But then he heard the whimpers coming from the bathroom.

“Y/N,” he gasped before he hurrying to her.

He froze when he got a good look at her.

She was tucked against the foot of the bathtub, arms hugging her legs tightly to her chest.

Her nose had dried blood underneath it. Her lip was split. There was a red mark on her right cheek that he knew would turn a concerning purple in a day or two. Mascara was smudged underneath her eyes.

“Jesus Christ,” Steve muttered under his breath before bending down to her level.

She seemed to cower at the intrusion, backing up against the tub as if there was anywhere else for her to go.

“Hey, hey, hey. I’m not gonna hurt you. I promise,” Steve whispered.

She nodded, snapping out of it and realizing that she knew she could trust him.

“Can you stand?” He asked.

“I’m not – I don’t know,” she admitted with embarrassment.

When she did try, her legs were shaking like she was a newborn deer learning how to walk.

But before she could fall, Steve was at her side, picking her up in his arms.

“I gotcha,” he whispered. “I gotcha. You’re safe. OK? You’re safe.”

She nodded as she tucked her face into his shoulder.

As he carried her down to her car, he found more bruises and cuts. The more he saw, the angrier he got.

Finally, Steve turned to Bucky.

As their eyes met, they had a silent conversation.

Steve carefully handed Y/N over. “Take her to the hospital. Don’t leave her side.”

Bucky held Y/N like she would break from the slightest pressure. “Let me come with you,” he tried to argue.

“No. Look after her. Keep her safe.”

Bucky looked worried, but he knew better than to argue with Steve, especially when he was in such a state.

Y/N’s head shot up when she suddenly realized what was happening. “Steve, please. Don’t. Don’t leave me.”

Steve leaned over to her, brushing some hair from her face.

“I promise I’ll be back. There’s something I gotta do. Bucky will look after you.”

And before Y/N could fight him on it, Steve was getting into a car with his men.

-----

It was only a few hours later that Steve returned to a dark house.

He heard the click of a gun and turned on the light to find Bucky pointing one at him.

Bucky instantly lowered it. “Can’t be too careful.”

“Is she…?”

“She’s OK. Doc says nothing’s broken. Told her to ice everything. They gave her some pain medication. She’s just gotta take it easy.” Bucky sighed. “She’s upstairs.”

Steve let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Buck.”

“You might want to…clean up before you see her,” Bucky advised carefully.

Steve was suddenly brought back to reality and looked down at himself.

His white button down was now more red than it was white. His skin was also stained with the color. His knuckles were split and bruised.

“Did you make sure he paid for it?” Bucky asked emptily.

Steve gave a slight nod. “It was slow.”

He turned to go upstairs.

Steve expected to find Y/N in the same guest bedroom. But Y/N was asleep in his personal bed.

Steve listened to Bucky’s advice, and took as quick and as quiet of a shower as possible. He made sure to wash away all the blood, leaving no trace. But he knew he couldn’t wash away the sins.

When he slipped into bed, Y/N arouse from her sleep.

She turned to face him, still sleepy.

“Didn’t expect to find you in my bed,” Steve whispered with a little playfulness.

“It smells like you,” Y/N confessed with a blush. “Bucky said you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t.” Then he couldn’t stop taking in all the cuts and bruises. Her nose looked better now that all the blood had been cleaned away. “Are you OK?”

She nodded. “I’m better now.”

Then she grabbed his hands, inspecting his cut and bruised knuckles. “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.”

“Steve, what did you–”

“Y/N, don’t.” He warned. “We can never talk about it. After tonight, we forget all of it.” His eyes were serious. “Nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing.”

“Why did you risk all of this for me?” Y/N breathed.

“You know why, Y/N.”

She couldn’t speak.

“Because I loved you, Y/N. And I still love you,” he told her. “And I know that if I had just stayed that morning, then you… then none of this would’ve happened.”

“That’s not how life works and you know it, Steve. This isn’t your fault.”

“All I ever thought I could do was put you in danger. It never occurred to me that I could’ve been the thing that kept you safe.”

Y/N scooted closer, wanting to be held by him.

Steve complied, kissing the top of her head. “Can you still love me? After seeing what I really am, is that possible?”

“You think I could ever think you a monster after you made sure that the world was short of a man like Brock?”

Steve stayed silent.

“You think you’re so evil, Steve. But the truth is that I’ve never met a man who has a heart like you. Even before all of this shit, even before I knew who you really were… I knew I’d never meet another man like you.”

She could feel his heartbeat through his chest.

“So, yes, I can still love you.”

Steve let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Can we stop running away from each other now?” Y/N breathed.

She pulled back to stare into his blue eyes.

“Yeah, we can stop running, Y/N.” He told her before gently kissing her lips.

----------------------------------------

Don't say I never did anything for you. 😏

#mobster!steve rogers #mobster!steve rogers au #mobster!steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers reader insert #steve rogers au #mafia!steve rogers #mafia!steve rogers au #mafia!steve rogers x reader #gangster!steve rogers #gangster!steve rogers x reader #gangster!steve rogers au #invisible anonymous monsters #invisibleanonymousmonsters

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alltheselights · 3 years ago

Note

I don’t know if you are a shy person, but do you have any advice for someone who is? Like I’ve been in the fandom sense 2011. But I only made a tumblr and a Twitter this year, i am extremely shy it’s such a flaw of mine. I wanna make friends with a lot of you guys but I literally will say something and delete like omg they would think I’m such a loser lol. Do you get like nervous like that when it comes to interacting online ?

I’m pretty shy, but I would say somewhat less so online. I think it can be harder to make friends on Tumblr unless you’re willing to DM people, which I know can be a lot to ask from someone who’s shy. The platform doesn’t make it really easy to have back and forth conversations. With Twitter, however, I think it can be pretty easy to make friends, even if you’re shy!

My biggest suggestion would just be to start replying to peoples’ posts and especially to joke around with people, which can catch someone’s attention and make them like you quickly. They will usually reply, which sometimes creates an opportunity for a short conversation. Even if it doesn’t, when you reply to someone often and joke around with them or show that you agree with them on certain topics, they’re more likely to follow you back. At that point, you can continue talking with them through just replying to one another’s tweets or you might feel more comfortable DMing them to talk to them more that way.

You can also always directly introduce yourself to people, but I personally find that nerve-wracking and I know a lot of others do too, so that’s why I’d suggest a more casual way of reaching out like through replying to them for a while to try and make friends that way. There’s less pressure and less reason to get nervous because most people view replies as a very normal thing to receive not just from people they already know, but from anybody who follows them and sometimes even people who don’t. You definitely shouldn’t feel like a loser or feel embarrassed about doing that and should just go for it because I promise nobody is overthinking your reply as much as you are.

Not everybody will be responsive to it, but many people will. Most of the people I’ve ended up becoming friends with on Twitter, I started out with them replying to my posts or vice versa, eventually the other person followed back, and from there, conversation happened naturally. Once you’ve made a couple of friends that way, you can also usually count on making more because people who are friends with that person are more likely to see your tweets around, see you interacting with someone they know and like, and follow you themselves.

I know how easy it is to overthink when you’re shy and nervous about meeting people online, but just remember that you’re your own worst critic and most other people are looking to meet people and make friends as well! It can be hard when you’re later joining a fandom or creating accounts, but if you’re patient and make an effort to reach out to people even in just small, casual ways, you can eventually make great friends. I hope this helps, bub!!

#asks

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florencesmachine · 4 years ago

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tell me what's going on

Why tumblr user donottearmedown/luciequeenofelfame/luciehvrondaie is an embarrassment: a Masterpost

Hi if you’re here it’s because you’ve heard that tumblr user donottearmedown is an embarrassment and you’d like to know all the details! Let me break it down. It all started with this post by @minacarstairs (Tessa (yes @minacarstairs’s name is Tessa sorry if that makes this post confusing)), in which donottearmedown originally reached out to Tessa by sending her something along the lines of “Do you ship heronstairs/herongraystairs?” And Tessa replied with something along the lines of “Yeah lmao herongraystairs rights!”

(I wanna note that Tessa was being very polite, and continues to be very polite to people who disagree with her opinions on heronstairs/herongraystairs. She even began her original conversation with dont tear me down by saying it’s a matter of personal interpretation :) it’s donottearmedown who made the conversation mean-spirited)

(Also Tessa pls correct next if I’m wrong on any of this thnx)

And then sometime later, the conversation above ensues in which donottearmedown, seemingly perfectly reasonable at first, disagrees with the ship and offers a link to look at. (She throws this link around any chance she gets. She really fucking loves this link.) I got involved because in her answer, Tessa replies back with a link from a post I made from my own blog starting back in 2018, and then continued to add to it until my account got terminated (long story). You can read through both posts and check out all the replies! But basically we realized during this interaction that donottearmedown wasn’t looking to have a friendly conversation and was, in fact, batshit crazy. They were saying some absolute brain dead shit like that people shipping heronstairs is the same as people shipping Alec x Clary. Here’s the screenshot:

donottearmedown came back the next day to reply on several of Tessa and mine’s post which she wasn’t even tagged in, such as this one, and this one that had absolutely nothing to do with her because I make that same post every year. Here’s a screenshot from my old account last year via Instagram:

(there are more posts she replied to but I can’t be bothered to look for them, I’m sure you can find them on their blog if you can spare the braincells)

Racism by donottearmedown:

So, Tessa received this anon which tipped us off to some of the other tomfoolery on donottearmedown’s blog. We decided to look for ourselves and lo and behold, here’s the post of donottearmedown accusing Cassandra Clare of having a “Chinese kink” for writing Jessa:

Which, first of all, makes no sense because there’s like 2 Chinese characters in TSC total. If anything CC has a straight white boy kink lmao. But by saying this she was basically implying that the ONLY way Tessa (book!Tessa), or anybody who loves Jem, can love him is if they have a “Chinese kink”. Which donottearmedown can’t seem to be able to understand is an incredibly racist thing to say and think.

They also reblogged this BLM link and proceeded to tag it with absolute nonsense like “#smoke weed #lose weight #wessa”. I don’t know if her intentions were to mock the BLM movement but I still found this to be so incredibly disrespectful and tone deaf.

I also feel like I should mention this ask sent to Tessa in which donottearmedown implies she ~could be~ Asian, but it’s “none of her business anyways” (as if being Asian would absolve anyone of being racist akjsksjsj), but based on the fact that she has a track record of lying and pretending to be a person she’s not (as you will soon see :)) I call bullshit lmao:

I think that was the last of our interactions until today? Tessa and I were distracted because we have, you know, real lives.

But anyway, that brings us to today.

donottearmedown started replying to posts from mine and Tessa’s blogs which she wasn’t tagged in, again, and made several days ago. This one literally wasn’t even about her, it was about someone else that had engaged with one of Tessa’s posts. I made that post over a week ago and had already forgotten about it, but clearly donottearmedown never stops thinking about us 😳

NOW I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THIS POST SPECIFICALLY.

Why? Because donottearmedown and luciequeenofelfame (now luciehervndaie) interacted on this post, as 2 seperate entities. luciequeenofelfame had also interacted with Tessa and I’s original posts at the beginning of June (you can check the replies on the posts!) coming to donottearmedown’s defense, and praising her for her opinions and other shit like that.

Here’s the screenshot. As you can see here, luciehervndaie reblogs from donottearmedown and adds on to their opinion:

Now here’s the kicker: donottearmedown and luciehervndaie are the same person.

As in, this bitch literally made up a second blog so that she can pretend to be someone else agreeing with her own opinions and cheering herself on.

Here’s the proof:

I made this post calling out donottearmedown on their racism. I didn’t bother tagging her in the original post because I knew she was stalking my blog and would see it eventually anyway. 😌 And they took the bait, as you can see.

AND THEN I got the notification that luciequeenofelfame had replied to my post. Here’s the reply:

Now here’s where donottearmedown/luciequeenofelfame made an oopsie! 😳

Notice where luciequeenofelfame says “1. I didn’t delete it lmao”. She’s responding to my tags on this post where I’m calling out donottearmedown on her racist post, and my tags read:

“#the fact you went and deleted this post because you KNEW you were about to get slammed #comedy”

(context: @wilhelminacarstairs looked on donottearmedown’s blog recently looking for the post I screenshotted in the link above, and he couldn’t find it so I assumed she deleted it so that I wouldn’t call her out on it. Although she claims she didn’t delete it, so! Maybe it’s still up! Feel free to look for it and let me know lmao)

Now, in the tags I am obviously talking to donottearmedown, correct? So then why is luciequeenofelfame replying that she didn’t delete anything? 🤔 AND JUST AS IM ABOUT TO REPLY-

Wow, looks like I can’t reblog the post. Why? Because luciequeenofelfame has deleted it, and then IMMEDITALY changed her url to luciehvrondaie, hoping it would cover her tracks. Little does she know, tumblr notifications are forever:

As you can see, donottearmedown/luciequeenofelfame/luciehervndaie realized they made an oopsie, so she deleted her first response and posted it again from the blog she actually MEANT to post it from. Damn if only she knew that @minacarstairs @wilhelminacarstairs and I keep screenshots of e v e r y t h i n g :/ Then she might have gotten away with it! 😩

But yeah lmao here are the posts I made about it immeditaly afterwards calling her out on it because I thought it was funny: X X X X

She defends herself on some of them saying shit like “wow so I’m just making up blogs for support wessa? The majority of the fandom supports Wessa so I’m all of those blogs according to you? I’m thousands of people?!” Or just trying to change the topic back to heronstairs and ignoring the allegations altogether. Like, no luv we’re not saying you’re every single Wessa blog ever. We’re just saying you’re these 2, and we’re right lmao. If you look through both their blogs they also post about the same fandoms, and more damning, make a lot of the same spelling errors. Seriously their speech pattern is exactly the same. Feel free to look through them if you want, and if they don’t start mass-deleting post trying to cover their tracks.

BONUS:

I don’t know how true this is, but according to @fair-but-wilde-child on this ask, donottearmedown is ALSO the infamous twitter stan that complained to CC about TLH having too many gay characters.

EXTRA BONUS:

luciequeenofelfame/luciehvrondaie (donottearmedown’s second account 😌) is the account responsible for that wessa vs jessa comparison chart that went around a while ago LMAOOOOOOOO embarrassing

tl;dr: donottearmedown/luciequeenofelfame/luciehvrondaie is a biphobic racist who’s opinions are so bad she has to make a second account to agree with herself

🥺 tragic

Also I wanna say for the record, as @minacarstairs ans @wilhelminacarstairs will testify, I guessed a while ago these accounts were the same person when I noticed their speech patterns were eerily similar, and how luciequeenofelfame always seemed to reply to donottearmedown’s posts IMMEDITATELY after they were posted.

So the lesson for today? Cinthia is always right. 😤

#WHEW this took a while but here u go #feel free to scroll back through my blog and see the posts #also ive tagged almost everything from these interactions with her url #donottearmedown #replies #bidrewtanaka #long post

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stereksecretsanta · 4 years ago

Text

Merry Christmas, serenelystrange!

For @serenelystrange. Hope this was the right balance for your prompt and that it had just the right amount of Christmas Fluff, Merry Christmas :)

Read On AO3

*****

Make you Mine this season

The flight to Melbourne was a long one and not for the first time Stiles was cursing the fact that Lydia had refused to use at least some of the cash from their Patreon to upgrade from cattle class to at least business class so he could try and sleep out the jet lag. He had heard of more than enough podcasters that would use their Patreon money for more non-essentials than that but since her email address was on the account it seemed to make her the boss where the finances were concerned.

Of course being on a non-stop Seventeen hour flight with a minor stop over in Sydney was something that he appreciated but he wasn’t sure that his back would thank him for the small seat he was in which was crushed up against the window as he had stupidly taken the window seat instead of the middle.

He cast a glance at Lydia whose nose was deep into a book on Australian serial killers which was part of her research for one of their three Australian based episodes while they were staying in the country. Usually he would be right there with her, trying to decide on which was the most gruesome and which had the most information to warrant an hour long episode but since their wake up call had been ridiculously early leaving him packing his books in his suitcase instead of his carry on he was instead trying to find a documentary of interest on the inflight entertainment system which was to do with true crime instead of the life and times of a retired sports star that he didn’t really care about.

Though against his will he did seem to find himself letting the documentary play, his gaze out the window instead of on the screen as the documentary played though his earphones, letting his thoughts wander to the person that he always seemed to find himself thinking of when stuck on a plane for hours on end with nothing else to do.

While his and Lydia’s podcast focused on all the ins and outs of true crime, from the historic to cults to everything in between, his best friend Derek’s was focused not just on the history of sports but the most up to date sports news. It was something that Stiles didn’t really get having not exactly been into sports since he had spent most of his time on the lacrosse team at high school on the bench no matter how hard he had tried. Though his oldest friend Scott had tried numerous times unsuccessfully to actually get him on the team there was no denying that it was a lost cause leaving him with a kind of hatred for sports which had seen his interests instead settle on the academic which had swiftly moved to True crime after going down a Youtube hole of True Crime documentaries on Ted Bundy late one night in his last year at school. It had been the beginning of an obsession that had concerned his father as though he was sure that would consume Stiles to practise what he learned which there was no likelihood of happening, despite him being the town sheriff who’d let Stiles read the files he brought home since he was in middle school.

Of course, that hatred of sports had faded when he first met Derek.

It had been his and Lydia’s first podcast festival in LA, and Stiles who had had an overwhelming case of stage fright before he even got on stage, had been sitting on the side as Lydia talked with their management about a Plan B in case Stiles did something embarrassing out of nerves. That was when Derek came and sat beside him.

Even at that moment Stiles had known Derek was handsome in a way that he had long since considered his type. Tall and muscular with a slender waist and his biceps making it obvious that at some point or another he had been a jock, yet it had been his face which had Stiles’ heart pounding his chest. The perfectly chiselled cheek bones, the alluring green eyes and stubble that seemed to enhance his lips and make Stiles unable to look away.

Derek seemed to feel Stiles staring at him from where he was looking over his notes for his panel and looked up with a frown.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

“No….no sorry. I am just a little nervous. I’ve never done a panel before and I’m scared I’m going to do something wrong.” Stiles said offering him a weak smile that immediately had Derek’s frown melting into an understanding smile.

“I promise the first one is always the hardest but once it’s done, you’ll wonder what you were so worried about. Just think of it this way, everyone out there has paid to see you because they obviously like what your podcast is about and no matter what happens they won’t hold it against you. You just need to relax.” Derek assured him.

“You aren’t going to tell me to picture them naked are you?" Stiles asked, watching Derek laugh that seemed to make his face even more irresistible to Stiles’ fledgling crush in the making.

“God no. My first manager tried to tell me that with my first one and it only made it worse. No just pretend that a friend is stood at the very back and you are talking to only them. It helps you to focus on what you are saying instead of trying to be someone that you’re not for the sake of the panel.” Derek said, rolling up his notes between his hands.

“Ok, but I don’t really have any friends here and the only person I know is the one I’ll be at the panel with. It makes it kind of hard to focus on that.” Stiles said watching Derek tilt his head in understanding.

“Ok well how about this, I could stand at the back if you think it would help.” Derek suggested.

“Only if you tell me your name.” Stiles said, watching the other roll his eyes like Stiles had just used a bad chat up line on him.

“it’s Derek, Derek Hale. Yours?” Derek asked.

“Stiles, Stiles Stilinski. And before you say anything yes, I know how bad it is.” Stiles said, earning a grin from Derek.

“Good to meet you, Stiles….” Derek smiled, though he was interrupted by a tall blond woman who stood between the two so Derek would fixate only on her.

“Derek, honey you’re on next. They’ve managed to sort out the issue with the projector and the PA so I’ve given them the USB with the PowerPoint.” She smiled, her fingertips caressing Derek’s neck though from what Stiles could see Derek hadn’t exactly been happy at her interrupting them but before he could say a word a member of staff had appeared and was herding Derek on stage leaving Stiles staring after him even after he was gone and Lydia had come back.

“So, I’ve spoken to Aiden and he’s agreed to cut the panel short if you go off topic….” Lydia said, though she paused when she realised wasn’t paying her attention. “Hey, Stiles!”

“Yeah yeah sorry. I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” Stiles said, letting his attention move to the copy of the script Lydia had already prepared for them.

Once he got on the stage and spotted Derek standing at the back against the wall of the hall, his nerves had disappeared, and it had been as easy as breathing. Almost as though he and Lydia were back in their apartment just recording a regular episode.

Once the panel was over, he had looked for Derek in the crowd of other podcasters hanging around but not been able to catch sight of him.

It wasn’t until the afterparty that he spotted him, drunk off his face and making out with the blonde woman from before up against the wall outside of the toilets. It had made something in his stomach squirm with jealousy and left him returning to the bar himself hoping that if he drunk enough, he could erase the vision from his memory.

He had tried to tell himself that there was little if any chance of him and Derek being together anyway, that they were probably better off as acquaintances that saw each other once in a blue moon at cons and festivals. But that seemed to fade when the week after the festival their podcast Talk Murder to me social media accounts received requests from Derek’s podcast accounts called The final countdown with Derek.

It then seemed to grow with Derek himself following Stiles’ own accounts, leaving comments on pictures and retweeting tweets they released when a new episode was out. A fledgling kind of friendship grew there, and though Stiles tried not to obsessive over it when he saw more and more pictures of the blonde woman called Kate on Derek’s Instagram page, with the two of them doing all the couple pictures it had that feeling from before returning twice as much every time.

Stiles even made himself listen to Derek’s podcast just to hear the sound of the other’s voice, to hear him using laymen's terms instead of all the complicated technical terms that others not interested in the sport would not understand. To hear him laughing with the odd guest he brought on which all seemed to be related to Derek’s own sports past from baseball to basketball to football it was like Derek had done everything and made Stiles even more sure that the other would never feel the same way.

It wasn’t until the DCon a few months later that they met up again and it had been like they had never parted as they had drinks at the bar the first night. As Stiles asked Derek about the episodes he’d listened to of Derek’s podcast and Derek asked Stiles what had got him into True crime and why all the murderers they chose seemed to be well-known instead of the lesser known.

And with that their friendship just continued to grow, through Derek’s break up with Kate who had cheated on him with one of his guests and saw all pictures of her deleted from his Instagram in the space of a week after Stiles skyped him to check he was ok, to Stiles moving from California to Chicago on a scholarship leaving him meeting Derek in New York every weekend to show him all the best places as he got settled in.

It all just seemed so normal, but Stiles would be lying if he said his crush had not continue to grow on the other which always seemed worse after Skyping Derek when he had come back from the gym and was always shirtless revealing a body that Stiles daydreamed about constantly. Something he confided in Lydia about one night when Derek had dropped him off after a bar crawl through the western village. To her credit though Lydia wasn’t surprised in the slightest but had told him to be careful about getting in too deep when it was painfully clear how straight Derek was and that it would only ever end in heartbreak.

Stiles tried to keep that in mind, really, he did, especially when Derek started dating a cheerleader called Jennifer from the New York Jets. How yet again the jealousy would set in and leave him ghosting Derek online for a few days as he tried to work through the reality that him and Derek could never be anything more. Thankfully it was around the time his scholarship finished and he managed to leave town at the same time Derek took Jenifer to the Hamptons for a long weekend so he didn’t have to answer any awkward questions.

He moved in with Lydia and their new manager/her new boyfriend Jordan in LA, which was awkward too but he didn’t really want to move back to Beacon hills if he could get away with it. And since they lived together it made the production of their episodes all the smoother as they were able to plan things weeks in advance.

Of course, that all came to a head when they attended the Vancouver podcast festival before starting the long tour through Europe for live panels. Stiles had kept his distance from Derek this time, staying with the true crime crowd when at the venue as he finally met people he had only been speaking to online from other podcasts. It had been surprisingly easy to just forget that Derek was even there as the convention was the biggest one in Canada and everyone there just stuck with their own genre.

But then the after party came and Stiles had been drinking at the bar alone to give Jordan and Lydia the time alone that they needed. That was the downside to being the third wheel in both the business and the apartment. He tried not to let it get to him, as there was little if any chance of him seeing himself with anyone that wasn’t Derek. That night he was at least going to try with Theo the producer from a podcast on criminology, the other buying him just enough drinks to have him buzzed and kissing him up against the edge of the bar hard enough that Stiles could at least pretend for a moment that it was Derek.

As the other’s mouth detoured to kissing Stiles’ neck hard enough to leave very visible bruises and the alcohol making Stiles’ inhibitions so low that if Theo had asked he would have easily gone to a room or hell even a cubicle in the mens bathroom. But that illusion had been interrupted by the sound of Derek saying his name from the other end of the bar just as Theo’s fingers were unzipping his fly.

“Um, Derek?" Stiles murmured, his back still arching against the bar edge and the thrum of arousal flowing through his veins when Theo’s fingers curled around his cock through his boxers.

“Stiles, what are you doing?” Derek asked, appearing beside them looking furious as though he was sure Theo was taking advantage of him.

“Getting a hand job what does it look like?" Stiles sighed, Theo mouthing at his neck in an attempt to keep him fixated on what they were doing causing Stiles to curse and push one hand into Theo’s back pocket to pull him closer into his personal space.

“Come on Stiles, you’re drunk let’s get you up to your room so you can sleep it off.” Derek said, Stiles groaning as he felt the impending orgasm just on the brink of Theo jerking him off a few more times.

“Or…. you could come to my room Stiles. Just you, me, a bed, your clothes on the floor and a good thorough fucking. What do you say?” Theo crooned softly into Stiles’ ear, his pace around Stiles’ cock picking up.

“Oh god yeah…” Stiles groaned, curling his free hand in Theo’s hair, and pulling his lips from his neck to meet his own just as the orgasm crashed over him.

“Stiles, this is a bad idea.” Derek tried as Stiles’ mouth opened willingly to Theo’s tongue while the other tried to hold him up against the edge of the bar while zipping his fly.

“I think that’s up to Stiles, don’t you? Still keen Stiles?" Theo snarked at Derek, before turning his attention back to Stiles who was downing the last of his tequila shot to leave.

“Um, yeah but you’ll have to make sure I don’t fall on the way to the lift….” Stiles sighed, Theo’s arm curling around his waist and easing him from against the side of the bar before leading the way out the bar towards his room.

After that night Derek didn’t speak to him, which was just as well for Stiles as the less time they spoke the more he could focus on easing back on his crush. It helped a little that Theo was pulled along on their tour through Europe but it soon became clear to Theo that Stiles was hung up on someone else and just using him for the relief he couldn’t get otherwise. Once the European tour was over Theo returned to the states while they continued to the Japanese podcast festival in Tokyo, leaving Stiles the third wheel yet again and wishing more than anything that Derek would contact him.

It took a couple of months in the run up to the Webby Awards for them to start talking again, Derek having long since broken things off with Jennifer though when Stiles asked why Derek got an indiscernible look on his face and said something about how she was always touring with the players meaning little time for them to be together although to Stiles it didn’t seem complete true but he didn’t push as they still hadn’t completely rebuilt their bridges. That year they had both gotten nominated for Webbys and since the awards were in New York Derek seemed determined that they spent as much time together as possible. Something which Stiles knew was going to cause his crush to flare up again but there was nothing he could really do to stop it.

Everytime he and Derek went out with Lydia and Jordan his co-presenter would flash him that look that told him to be careful but that she felt sorry for him being in this position with Derek again. But Stiles tried not to think of that, to not focus on the fact his heart was probably going to break again when Derek started seeing someone else and instead on actually getting to spend time together with a friend he hasn’t seen in months.

Being at the award show together was something Stiles knew he would never forget as he watched Derek get the Webby award for best sports podcast while he and Lydia jointly received the Webby People’s voice award in comedic podcasts. It was a big night and yet when it came to the after-party Stiles found himself yet again sat alone at the bar watching all the other winners and participants mingling among themselves and celebrating. Lydia and Jordan had left early with the trophy to make up for lost time in their hotel room leaving Stiles wondering where Derek was as he reached for the tequila.

Derek finally appeared from a crowd of fashion vloggers that had taken a fancy to him at the ceremony not that Stiles could blame them, but instead he made his way to the bar and took a seat beside Stiles. It didn’t escape Stiles’ notice that they were back in the same situation they had been when they stopped talking before but at least this time there was no-one else making a move on the other though Stiles was sure at least one of the fashion vloggers would try again after a few more drinks.

“Big night huh?" Stiles smiled, toasting Derek with his glass at the other ordered beer from the bartender.

“Yeah, I guess it has been, though I never thought I would find myself getting a Webby for a podcast. It seems a bit surreal.” Derek said, setting his trophy on the bar and looking at it as though he was sure it would disappear if he didn’t.

“Same here, I mean for me and Lydia it was just a hobby to put out there to begin with and now we have thousands of fans willing to pay through Patreon to support us financially. Although to be fair now I can’t exactly imagine myself doing anything else.” Stiles said downing his shot and ordering another.

“Yeah, I mean it gives me a sense of achievement that I never managed to completely reach when I was a sports star, you’re always trying to reach for the next trophy or the next record you know? At least with this I know I’m doing something that people enjoy that was initially just for me. Though sometimes I do wonder…” Derek said, wistfully looking at Stiles he got his next shot.

“About what?” Stiles asked, squeezing the lime juice into the shot.

“There’s been a few podcasts that have gone on to create their own network to help other people with putting their podcasts out there. I think I’d like to do something like that…I just wouldn’t know where to start.” Derek said thoughtfully downing a mouthful of his beer.

“I suppose that would be amazing to do, but honestly me and Lydia struggle enough to so much as keep our own going now. Even with the odd producer on tap and Jordan as management I’m not sure we would be able to keep something like that a float. Still if that is something you think you would like to do you can always send feelers out to other podcasts in your genre and see if they would be interested in combining your resources to make something like that happen.” Stiles shrugged, toying with the empty lime.

“Yeah I’ll have to give it some more thought.” Derek agreed downing the rest of his beer and making like he was about to get up when Stiles rested a hand on his arm.

“Where are you going? The night’s still young and besides, we’re celebrating!” Stiles grinned causing Derek to sigh but sit back down and order them each some more shots as Stiles downed his second in one.

They spent most of the night into the early hours downing shots and coming up with ludicrous ideas for podcast network names as well coming up with new episode ideas for the other’s podcast. They were still there as the staff started coming around to clear up and herd the remaining occupants to the door which seemed to contain quite a few fashions vloggers stumbling in their high heels like they had been waiting for Derek to leave the bar before giving Derek a come on. But Derek seemed more fixated on Stiles coming to crash at his as it was closer to the venue and would mean he didn’t have to worry about getting an uber or waking Lydia.

In the back of Stiles’ mind alarm bells started ringing, but he still agreed letting Derek’s arm curl around his waist as they walked down the sidewalk to make sure he didn’t stumble and fall into the gutter. But that little touch had a spark reigniting the previously dormant crush deep in Stiles’ mind. He tried to silence it by listening to Derek rambling on about an idea for a podcast that was solely on different mythologies around the world and why they were so different.

Derek seemed to have planned at least the first ten episodes by the time they go to his apartment building, though he nearly dropped his webby when trying to find his keys leaving him to hand it to Stiles for safe keeping while he found it in his wallet. Stiles followed his lead into the building, using the webby in his hand to try and ground him before he did something he regretted though when they got in the lift it seemed like whatever restraint he had left disappeared when the doors closed behind them.

Derek was still rambling about an episode involving Polynesian mythology compared with the Caribbean when Stiles pushed himself away uneasily from the wall and approached where Derek was leaning in a corner to keep his balance, letting his fingertips graze Derek’s cleanshaven cheek when he crowded into his personal space.

“Stiles….” Derek sighed at the touch; his eyes flickering closed as though it had been so long since someone had so much as touched him that it broke Stiles’ heart.

Before he could stop himself, he was leaning in and kissing Derek deeply.

He froze once the kiss was finished expecting Derek to shove him off and ask him what the hell but instead Derek’s fingers curled in his hair while his other arm curled around Stiles’ neck to bring him closer when he kissed him back. It was a deeper kiss, tainted by the taste of tequila and lime but to Stiles it was perfect because it was Derek’s tongue in his mouth, Derek’s hand sliding down his back to palm at his ass and Derek’s hot body pressed up against his torso.

“Um god Der….” He murmured as the other deepened the kiss even more sliding his hand up the back of Stiles’ dress shirt to brush against his bare back, the touch feeling like an electric current flowing through his very veins.

At some point Derek took control, backing Stiles’ body up against the opposite wall so his back pushed against the emergency stop button. Derek’s lips detouring from Stiles’ lips to his neck once his collar buttons were ripped open despite the murmur of objection from Stiles’ lips at being deprived of Derek’s tongue in his mouth. He soon found all his shirt buttons open and Derek’s mouth moving to colour his bare chest with bruises that Stiles never wanted to disappear.

But soon Stiles’ legs were curled around Derek’s waist, his lower back pushing the emergency button again to restart the lift though neither of the couple were too interested until the doors opened on the right floor.

“Fuck Stiles…. I want you so bad….” Derek murmured into his neck as he curled his arms around Stiles’ body to keep him balanced as he carried Stiles out the lift into the corridor.

Through some miracle and after making out against the wall beside Derek’s front door for quite a while they had managed to get inside the apartment.

The rest had been a blur.

Swallowing heavily on the plane to Melbourne Stiles rubbed away the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes as he stared at the darkening sky while Michael Jordan rambled away about the highlights of his career in one ear as the inside of the plane powered down for the night. Lydia had put her book on the seat between them and was curled up with the thin inflight blanket over her and her sleeping mask on since she had flown with him enough times to know Stiles’ insomnia would probably keep him awake long enough that he would start reading.

The morning after that glorious night continued to haunt him horribly even months later. Of waking up in Derek’s bed to no sign of the object of his affections beside him let alone in any other part of the apartment. Of finding a note held up against the Webby trophy on his nightstand that made it clear that as far as he was concerned nothing had happened and they should just forget it. Of that sinking feeling in his chest as his heart slipped into his stomach and he had gathered all his clothes before leaving the apartment to return to his and Lydia’s hotel room.

How Jordan had made a crack at breakfast of him getting lucky only for Lydia to nudge her boyfriend and shake her head as though she knew exactly what had happened and that Stiles didn’t need the teasing. Stiles had spent the rest of their stay after breakfast holed up in their hotel room while Lydia and Jordan did all the touristy bits without him and without Derek.

Stiles did try and text Derek a few times, asking him to at least call so they could work this out. That it did not have to change anything unless he let it. But he got no reply and even when Lydia and Jordan came back the redhead hadn’t manged to get through to him either.

Stiles had even gone round to Derek’s the morning before he was due to fly back to LA, he managed to persuade a fellow resident to let him in and made it to the right floor. He’d knocked on Derek’s door until his knuckles were bruised but even though he could hear ESPN playing a basketball match Derek didn’t come to the door. He’d left a note pushed under the door as well as sent him one last text while the plane was taxiing but had heard nothing since.

That had been close to nine months ago and every Podcast Festival or Convention since he would look for Derek in the crowd just to see if he was there. But it seemed like he was only going to ones specific to sport leaving Stiles hopelessly texting and tweeting him over and over asking about the next one he would go to on the off-chance that they could bump into each. And though it was a constant torment he did keep following Derek’s social media, seeing pictures of the owner of his heart walking along beaches shirtless, of seeing him in studios with guests and having family picnics with his sisters when they were in town. The only thing he noted was that there were no pictures of a new woman in his life and each time a fan would comment and ask, Derek seemed to either delete the comment or just straight up ignore it.

That at least did seem to reassure Stiles that what had happened between them had meant something to Derek. He just wished he could at least talk to him so he could find out what.

That had all changed three months before the run up to OZPod, when Lydia was doing some final research on a killer cult in Japan for the last episode in that series they were going to record and called out to Stiles who was trying unsuccessfully to post the second part of the series on the music publishing site.

“What is it Lyds, I’m struggling to upload the most recent episode and would prefer to get it out before the end of the day.” Stiles sighed, refreshing their music page just to check and see if it had finally been uploaded by coming up with nothing that had him returning to their portal to try again.

“Derek has just posted something on Instagram I think you should see.” Lydia said, causing Stiles to frown as he opened a fresh tab to open Derek’s Instagram page which had been saved into his favourites months ago.

The most recent picture showed a bi-pride flag draped over his webby trophy that immediately had Stiles’ heart jumping as he clicked on the picture to see the description that read.

‘DerekHale: I suppose this has been a long time coming considering how I know some of you have noticed that I’m not dating as much as I was before. So here is the long and the short of it on what is probably the best possible day to say this, I’m bisexual. I’ve been trying to ignore this side of myself for a long time by just dating who I thought was the best for me professionally, but honestly, I’ve been kidding myself for a very long time.

There’s a person out there, they know who they are, that I have used, hurt, and put our friendship on the backburner for because of how they made me feel. They made me question myself from the moment we first met, sat backstage at #lapodfest four years ago assuring them that everything was fine was the beginning of something beautiful. And though we’ve had many more downs than ups they mean the world to me.

And while I’m not sure if they will forgive me, if they will let me explain and make up the past nine months of silence to them, I just want them to know how much I have never stopped thinking about and wanting them even if I know that there is a chance they are already taken by someone else.

As for my LGBT fans out there, please believe me when I say I see you, no matter your gender, your pronouns or who you love, you are valid and I love you more than words can ever express.

Derek x

#bivisibilityday #loveislove #bipride #bipositivity #lgbtq #mlm #tfcwdPFam’

“What….?” Stiles murmured, unable to stop himself from reading Derek’s words over and over again as though part of him was sure this was a damned joke.

“Did you never for a moment think that might be why he was distancing himself from you? I could just see it in his face everytime he was around you that he was questioning himself because of you Stiles. While you never felt the real need to come out to anyone except me, Jordan and your dad….it’s harder for some people to get their head around….especially after sleeping with another guy for the first time ever.” Lydia said, from her own computer where she seemed to have taken over trying to upload the episode to give Stiles time to process what he had just read.

“No I didn’t because he was always with women, and I find it so damned to believe that someone like me could turn Derek’s head long enough for him to make him question his sexuality.” Stiles said, scrolling down to read the comments which were filled with admiration and reassurance that whoever he was talking about was so lucky to have Derek in their life. “Although what does he mean by ‘there is a chance he maybe with someone else’?”

“He probably means me.” Lydia sighed causing Stiles to turn in his chair to look at her.

“Wait, what?”

“I don’t know how or who it was, but someone seems to have convinced Derek that you and me are together and have been in all the time that we’ve been doing this podcast together.” Lydia said, meeting Stiles’ gaze over the top of her own computer.

“Oh no….nonono that’s insane! I love you like a sister…. I had a crush on you in high school that went away when you started seeing Jackson. And I mean you’re with Jordan for god’s sake!” Stiles cursed raking his fingers through his hair.

“Well obviously Derek didn’t get the memo. Anyway, if you think about it, it does explain a lot….” Lydia shrugged, attention back on her computer as Stiles turned back to staring at Derek’s post while more comments appeared from fans of Derek’s podcast.

Stiles bit his lip as he let all thoughts of him and Derek together fill his mind, of how Derek would always be touchy feely in his own discreet way when it was the two of them but move away from Stiles when Lydia was with them, how he would always insist that Stiles and Lydia sat together when they went out to eat or how Derek seemed to want to spend time alone with Stiles much more than with Lydia. How Derek had tried to pull Stiles away from Theo since he was under the misconception that Stiles was cheating on Lydia and how even during the Webby’ s show before the after party Derek had sat on the opposite side of the table to the pair. It was all blindingly obvious, that he couldn’t believe that he had missed it.

“Damnit Derek….” Stiles grumbled under his breath, barely restraining the urge to book the first flight to New York to shake some sense into Derek…sense he was sure would end up with the pair of them together again minus a stitch of clothing to the alluring breathy sounds of him fucking Derek hard enough to assure him without a shadow of a doubt that everything Derek felt for him was returned tenfold.

“He’s just sent out a tweet saying he’s going to Melbourne around Christmas for a podfest, I can get Jordan to see if we could be squeezed in if you want the chance to see him in person.” Lydia said, interrupting Stiles from his thoughts.

“That might be the best idea you’ve ever had. Now if you can get that episode to upload all with be right with the world for the next week.” Stiles said, his gaze back on Derek’s post even though deep inside he wasn’t sure he would be able to wait the three months until they were in the same place.

And yet now there he was, wide awake in a powered down plane half way through the flight, staring blankly at the screen showing Michael Jordan’s shot scenes in Space Jam as though that demonstrated just how great of an athlete he actually was.

He had wanted to contact Derek but knew until they were in the same place that there would be only words that could fix this without any action and yet it was the action that he knew they both desperately needed after how it had been since they were together in the same bed. Every night since he discovered Derek’s post he had gone back to it to see more comments of encouragement, more people claiming that whoever that person was they were sure that they missed him and were counting down the days to be back with Derek as well as a couple of people calling Stiles out for not contacting Derek for getting on to twelve months as though it was his fault. To those people Derek had kindly but firmly reiterated that it was his fault, that he had been the one to push that person away and avoided all contact from them and that while he appreciated their support if they posted those comments again they would be blocked.

And yet deep inside Stiles knew he should have tried harder to get Derek to listen to him, instead of giving in when Derek effectively cut him off. He could have camped inside his apartment until he came back, he could have used every social media outlet that they shared to keep contacting him, but he did have to admit that he knew for all his stubbornness that Derek still would have found some way or another keep him at arm’s length until he could figure things out.

Giving in at last when the narrator’s voice started to grate on his nerves, Stiles turned the documentary off and changed the channel to an easy listening radio station before picking up the book from the seat between them and settling in to start the next chapter on Paula Denyer, avoiding moving Lydia’s bookmark in the process since nothing annoyed her more.

The rest of the flight seemed to pass a lot quicker once he fell asleep halfway through reading the chapter on Ivan Milat and woke up to Lydia nudging him as their breakfast was being served by the air hostess. He ended up taking whatever one Lydia didn’t want since it all seemed to taste the same in the air anyway and downed two cups of coffee as he put his own bookmark in the form of his boarding pass to save his page before handing the book back to Lydia.

By then they were only half an hour away from Sydney and a further hour and a half from getting into Melbourne itself and Stiles settled down to watch a couple of episodes of Friends he had seen multiple times before to distract him for the remainder.

They soon arrived in Sydney to blinding sunshine through the windows and the pilot giving the usual welcome to Sydney with the weather forecast and time giving Stiles enough time to push what little he had removed from his carry on back in while removing his passport and next boarding pass for their connecting flight which thankfully gave them long enough to grab a decent coffee in duty free once they passed through security before needing to go to their next gate. Thankfully, their seats were close enough to the main entrance that it made it easy for them disembark first.

They made it through security quickly once they were in the domestic terminal and then join the queue in Starbucks, Lydia pulling out a twenty Australian dollar note from her purse while Stiles let his gaze linger on the menu trying to decide what he felt like. He finally settled on a chocolate Frappuccino and left Lydia in the queue to order after taking their combined luggage to a table outside.

He spent a while checking his social media accounts, liking a few posts from a few fellow true crime podcasters that were also going to the festival and scrolling through Derek’s Instagram page until he reached the most viewed post the other had. Up until that point he hadn’t actually liked Derek’s coming out post because he wasn’t sure if it had been intended to be seen by him or not, but now when they were about to meet he felt he should at least acknowledge it since it meant so much to Derek finally coming out.

He pressed the like button on the post and then typed the three hearts in the colours of the bisexual flag into a comment and pressed post before he changed his mind. Immediately he got a reply from Derek like he had been waiting for Stiles to comment, a heart-eyed emoji followed by a winking blowing kiss emoji with a red heart at the end along with multiple users hearting Stiles’ comment now that Derek had pretty much told them who he had been waiting for.

“You finally reacted to Derek’s post?” Lydia asked as she set his Frappuccino down in front of him before sitting down in the chair beside the one practically creaking under the weight of their carry-on luggage.

“I couldn’t not when hopefully things will finally be sorted between us. I didn’t think Derek would reply…. let alone that every one of his followers would like my comment. My alerts are going to be crazy for the next week.” Stiles sighed, turning the data off on his phone, and setting it on the table so he could focus on his drink.

“Hmmm, well I highly doubt you’ll be spending much time online when you tell Derek the truth about you and me. I’ll be lucky to get you out the hotel for our panel.” Lydia smiled knowingly with a raise eyebrow as Stiles pushed his straw into the drink.

“I doubt we’ll be that bad…. besides maybe I want him to wine and dine me first considering last time was such a disaster.” Stiles shrugged, though knew by the grin on the other’s face she didn’t believe him for a second. She knew him so well.

They spent the rest of their time talking about which serial killers to use for their three Australian killer episodes and downing their drinks before starting the walk towards their gate and sitting with the other passengers waiting to board the rest of the half hour wait.

Yet all too soon they were back on a plane, Stiles back to staring out the window though this time with a knowing smile on his lips as they got settled for the next hour and a half. Lydia immediately began to draw up pros and cons of each of the three serial killers they had chosen and became engrossed in the book again, leaving Stiles to turn on his Wi-Fi once they were in the air and see a DM alert for Instagram waiting for him in his sea of notifications.

DerekHale: I was beginning to wonder if you’d blocked me since it took you so long to react….

Stiles rolled his eyes but shook his head as he replied.

StilesStilin: I couldn’t make myself even if I wanted to….no I was just trying to prevent the onslaught of likes from your fans….so much for that now.

DerekHale: Sorry. I was just so happy to see your comment…. we’ll have to meet up when I get back in the country.

StilesStilin: Or….we could meet up when I finally set foot in Melbourne in about…..oooo an hour….

DerekHale: Wait….you’re coming to OZPod? I didn’t see it mentioned in the schedule for guests….

Stilesstilin: Well it was a last-minute decision….one my manager somehow managed to swing in record timing I might add. Besides, I thought at least this way we could meet up and clear up a few things face to face…

DerekHale: Erm, that….that sounds pretty good actually. What hotel are you staying at? I can come pick you up once you’ve checked in…

StilesStilin: Hold on a sec….

“Lyds what’s the name of the hotel Jordan booked us into? Derek wants to know so he can pick me up when we’ve checked in.” Stiles asked, Lydia barely looking up from what she was doing as she handed him her travel wallet with all the details from her bag and turned back to the book as she left Stiles to sort through the thick pile of paperwork for the right thing.

StilesStilin: QT Melbourne, 133 Russell St. I’ll let you know when we’ve arrived

DerekHale: Sounds good, I’ll see you soon x

Stiles closed the app and turned off the Wi-Fi, letting his gaze rest on the map showing the progress of the flight on the screen in front of him and tried not to count down the minutes obsessively by trying to help Lydia with the final decision on the serial killers they wanted to delve deeper into.

All too soon they were landing in Melbourne and Stiles was barely paying attention to the pilot as he grabbed his bag and led Lydia off the plane as soon as the doors were open. They made it through security and immigration quickly and made their way to the baggage claim where they had to wait longer than normal since Lydia had been hellbent on bringing double her normal luggage and the second case was at the very end of the bundle for their flight. So though he was itching to say to hell with it and leave Lydia there, he settled for putting all the luggage they currently had on a trolley and waiting for the taxi Jordan had booked at the exit of the airport which thankfully didn’t come before Lydia did.

The drive to their hotel wasn’t that far though Stiles spent most of the ride taking pictures of the scenery out the window and itching for them to get there quicker so he could message Derek that he was ready.

Soon they stopped outside a rather posh looking building that had Lydia written all over it and he had a feeling that Jordan had been talked into booking it for that very reason. After paying the driver Lydia led the way inside with Stiles bringing up the rear, as the redhead checked them in.

Since the hotel was one of those with bellboys that reminded Stiles too much of Home Alone 2, one was called to take them to their rooms when Stiles would have preferred to be just given his key and figure out how to get to his room later. But before he could object Lydia was clearing her throat and jerking her head pointedly in the direction of the main entrance, revealing Derek stood there looking as handsome and perfect as the first time they set eyes on each other.

“How?” Stiles asked the redhead as he watched Derek’s face light up from the doorway.

“I texted him on the way from the airport…. I thought it would drive you crazy if you had to wait any longer. So, here’s your key, I’ll get this gentleman to take your luggage up to your room and all being well I’ll see you both at the venue for the convention tomorrow. If you get lost just text me, but whatever you do…. don’t leave him until this is sorted ok?” Lydia said, putting Stiles' key in his hand.

“Thanks Lyds, I owe you one.” Stiles beamed, pushing the card in his hoodie pocket and pecking a kiss to her cheek after putting his bags minus his wallet and phone on the trolley before turning to Derek.

“Aren’t you a sight for jet lagged eyes.” Derek said softly, closing the gap between them and grazing his hand against Stiles’ cheek softly.

“I was just going to say the same thing. Why don’t you show me the way to your hotel just in case and we can get over those few hurdles on the way hm?" Stiles asked, Derek’s hand leaving his face to entwine with his own before leading the way out the hotel.

They had walked a few steps down the street when Stiles began the conversation that they desperately needed to have.

“So, I guess first things first…. congrats on coming out. Though you didn’t really need to.... not for me or for anyone.” Stiles said gently watching Derek’s gaze move to the floor.

“It wasn’t for you at least not completely….it was for me more than anything. Everything I put in that post was true….I had been fighting with myself to ignore who I truly was for so long that it was just getting to the point of exhausting. I’d look at you everytime we were together and all I could feel was acceptance and affection. It was something I had wanted to give myself over to but I struggled so hard to be honest about who I wanted.” Derek said brushing his thumb against Stiles’ knuckles.

“I mean I’ll let you into a secret…. not everyone knows I’m bi. It’s not something I actively tell people about because for me it’s just who I am. I like guys and girls and there is nothing wrong with that…. I just struggle to go for who I want when I find them. I mean for you it was a four-year crush before I could so much as make myself kiss you. Sure, I was drunk which might not have helped…. but that was everything I wanted then and everything that I want now more than ever.” Stiles said softly.

“And I’d be lying if I said I could remember much aside from us making out in the lift that morning….but there was something so freeing about waking up beside you and knowing that what we had done was what I wanted. But it was complicated by my own feelings, the guilt of being so sure I took advantage of you like Theo did…” Derek said thickly, the realization that Derek was sure he had forced himself on Stiles made his eyes wide and his stomach roll.

God no wonder he had been so hell bent on leaving.

“But you didn’t. I remember more than enough to know that every single part of that I wanted and needed because it was you Derek.” Stiles soothed, even as Derek swallowed and shook his head.

“But Theo….” Derek began only for Stiles to sigh and shake his head

“No, you are not Theo. Theo was jumped up little upstart who wanted what he could get so it would help his career in the future. You, god Derek…you are nothing like him. Not to mention the whole time I was kissing Theo and letting him fuck me I was thinking of you. If I hadn’t had you on my mind I’m sure without a shadow of a doubt that I would not have let him so much as touch me.” Stiles said, earning a sad smile from Derek.

“What did Lydia say when she found out about you and Theo?" Derek asked causing Stiles shake his head and laugh.

“Another thing we need to clear up Derek, me and Lydia aren’t together together. She’s been one of my closest friends since high school who agreed to do me a solid with a podcast that ended up bonding us and while I had a crush on her it didn’t last long and meant nothing. Besides she’s taken to dating our manager for the past two years….so even if I was interested which I’m not I wouldn’t have a chance anyway. So, I don’t know who told you that but it isn’t true.” Stiles said watching Derek’s ears flush red.

“It was Kate, though looking back she might have done that on purpose to make sure my attention was on her. It definitely explains a lot and makes me wonder why I didn’t just ask you sooner…” Derek said thoughtfully.

“I suppose that does make sense; she really was a possessive little bitch. Still at least you know the truth now.” Stiles smiled, as they finally appeared outside a hotel that looked way more expensive than anything, he could afford even after ransacking their Patreon savings. “Damn Derek…”

“It’s quite something isn’t it? My assistant Braeden picked it at random when she was doing the bookings for this trip. Still the outside pales in comparison to the inside…” Derek smiled, leading Stiles through the foyer towards the lift.

“How about compared to your room…?” Stiles asked, watching a shy twinkle appear in the other’s eyes.

“My room is amazing in itself, but I’m sure without a shadow of a doubt that it would be all the better if you were sharing it with me.” Derek murmured, grazing Stiles’ cheek with his free hand before cupping the back of his neck and kissing Stiles deeply.

It wasn’t filled with the same drunken urgent hunger that their first one was, it was sweet and yet filled with a sense of adoration that had Stiles practically melting into it. Letting Derek take the lead and suck at his bottom lip gently enough to part them before deepening it just a little more with Derek’s tongue grazing against his own.

“Um….you know if you’re going to come up with smooth lines and kisses like those every damn time I get an invitation like that then I think I can easily agree….” Stiles murmured when they parted far enough for their foreheads to rest together.

“You sure….? I don’t want to rush things this time Stiles…. I don’t want it to be like it was before all wham bam thank you mam get the fuck out my bed. I want you to devour you sober, to know what you like and how your body reacts with each touch. So, if you aren’t ready….” Derek said huskily.

“Derek Derek Derek….it’s been twelve months since I last set eyes let alone tasted your gorgeous body so there is no doubt in my mind that I’m ready. But I think that this time…. after that morning after I think I deserve a turn don’t you?" Stiles purred, the doors opening and him tugging Derek inside so he could press the right button.

“Oh really? What do you have in mind?” Derek asked, pressing the ninth-floor button without looking, his whole attention fixated on Stiles.

“Oh, I don’t know, your whole gloriously naked hot body on display for my attention only and willing to give in to any whim that I want. After all…. you may have got to fuck me Derek…..but I haven’t had the complete joy of showing you how amazing it can feel on the receiving end just yet.” Stiles smiled flirtatiously, biting his bottom lip as he backed into a corner of the lift and curled his arms around Derek’s neck to pull him with him.

“I thought I was supposed to be making it up to you, that hardly seems fair…” Derek murmured, brushing his lips teasingly against Stiles’ as his hands rested on Stiles’ hips.

“Oh, but you will be. Trust me?” Stiles whispered, letting one hand move from Derek’s neck and tracing down the length of his back until his fingers grazed down between Derek’s denim clad ass cheeks causing the taller to groan in the back of his throat.

“I can’t imagine doing anything else….” Derek said hoarsely, letting Stiles’ lips capture his own as the youngers hand slid inside his jeans and boxers and dug his nails into the bare skin of his ass willingly just as the doors opened on the correct floor.

Stiles directed Derek out the lift their mouths still moving hungrily together, until Derek was pushed up against the wall opposite the lift so the doors could close. Their mouths parted as Derek arched his back against the wall at the tightening grip Stiles had on his ass and how Stiles’ mouth moved from his own despite his whimper of objection to sucking bruises into his neck.

“Which room is yours?" Stiles asked, as the tip of his index finger grazed against Derek’s taint causing him to curse and his hips to jerk against Stiles’ at the sensation.

“Erm….Fuck Stiles….” Derek cursed, Stiles taking pity on him enough to remove one hand to take the key card from Derek’s pocket.

“Room 903…. which is right here…..” Stiles crooned, catching Derek’s mouth again in a dirty kiss as he guided him across the corridor to the right door. “Um…. you gonna open the door for me Der? Sooner we get in there sooner I can make you feel even better.”

Derek cursed again as he panted hungrily against Stiles’ mouth reluctantly letting go of Stiles’ hip long enough to take the key from Stiles and swipe it as the younger ground his cock against his own teasingly. Once the door was opened Stiles smiled at him wickedly and captured Derek’s lips again with his own as he pushed away from the wall and let Derek back him into the room, slamming the door shut behind them.

The next morning the pair arrived at the convention a little later than initially planned, though that was in no small part due to Stiles getting distracted by Derek’s naked body in the shower at least twice and being unable to help himself from indulging in the body that he had worshipped that night before. It was more than obvious to everyone around them why they were late, if not due to the fact that Stiles was wearing some of Derek’s clothes that were ridiculously big on him or because of the bruises covering Derek’s neck and how his attention seemed fixated on Stiles then by the way they were holding hands as they wove their way through the crowd with Derek’s assistant Braeden who was no doubt going to give Derek a talking to for being late.

“Stiles there you are! I was beginning to think you weren’t coming or that was I was going to have to send Jordan to Derek’s hotel to get you.” Lydia huffed, appearing from the crowd with Jordan behind her.

“Sorry Lyds, we got a bit distracted or else we would have been here earlier.” Stiles smiled, the innuendo causing Derek’s ears to go read and Braeden to roll her eyes.

“Hm, I’m sure. Anyway, we’re up next, I’ve managed to get together enough information on Paula Deyer but we might need to do a bit of comparison with a few other well-knowns to stretch it out a little.” Lydia said, letting Stiles take the script she was holding in his free hand and give it a look through as Derek let go of his hand and curled his arms around his waist instead, letting his lips rest against the nape of Stiles’ neck as he looked the script over too.

“I think I might have a few more books on Australian serial killers I can loan you when we’re back in the states if that would help…” Derek said gently into Stiles’ skin causing a shiver down Stiles’ spine even as he looked over his shoulder at his other half.

“Really? I didn’t know that was something you were interested in Der…” Stiles asked, turning the page on the script.

“Not so much….but since I knew it was what you were going to be looking into next I asked a few old friends in the true crime genre who gave me some recommendations.” Derek shrugged, one hand sliding under the hemline of Stiles’ shirt only for Stiles catch it by lacing the fingers of his free hand with Derek’s to stop it venturing any further.

“We’d appreciate any help we can get…” Stiles said out loud, before raking his fingers through Derek’s hair and pulling his ear closer towards his mouth before murmuring. “Not now Der…but I swear as soon as this is over you can do whatever you want to me.”

“Um, I’m planning it right now as we speak.” Derek grinned into the side of his neck before letting Stiles go and watching him follow Lydia up on to the stage.

Stiles met his gaze before he disappeared through the curtains and winked at him knowingly before the sound of the Talk Murder to Me Theme song blared over the PA accompanied by the sound of fans screaming in welcome and closely followed by Stiles’ Melodious voice welcoming the crowd and doing the usual introduction that Derek had heard so many times before. Though never had it made his heart soar more than to know that the man on the other side of that curtain was and would always be his if he had anything to say about it.

Fin.

#serenelystrange #stereksanta20 #*fic20 #*gifts20

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savnofilter · 4 years ago

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ive been getting a lot of hate asks and stuff about my dabi fic posted yesterday and i'd post about it now rather than leave for it later. *here is the comment that was in my fic that made some people upset. it's from the original doc and has now been edited out from the story itself.

when i had written it, it was ONLY in reference to the kink (chikan) itself since it is a popular genre in hentai's/pornos and an actual issue in Japan. "sick obsession" was in reference to the perversion of groping, not the people themselves. just like if i were to write something for ex; america, it would be something like, "america had a sick obsession for teacher and student relationships". the part itself just was not the best way to describe it since i directly am not from Japan. it wasnt meant to say that "japan people are xyz". i do not believe that Japanese people are rapists, and although it came across as that anyways, i do feel sorry about it because it wasnt my intention at all. if you know me, im one of the people who hate any type of stereotypes/jokes about asian people. in me explaining the quote, i am in no way excusing what was written, just explaining what i was thinking when i wrote it. i do now understand that it was insensitive, and it was my fault for even thinking it was a good idea to put in the story in the first place.

it didnt cross my mind that to any reader that it would be offensive and it's ironic considering it placed in anime fic of all places. the line wasnt removed to cover it up, it was deleted because i realized i had fucked up and didnt want anyone else to feel like that reading my story. for that anon and anyone else who took offense to it i am very sorry because i really didnt think it through and there isnt an excuse for it. just poor judgement and writing.

the second issue is that people were saying i condone/support rape now because they think the reader gets assualted in the fic. i do not write rape nor do i condone it. never in the story does reader get raped and i even state that Dabi wouldnt do that to someone (because i believe he wouldnt), especially to someone he does/nt know. in my fics i always make sure to add in that either character x reader know each other and have discussed such kink, and or character gets a definite answer to reader that they (reader) wants it. even if i were to write it, it would be for something plot wise and not just "yes good assualt" and the whole story wouldnt sexualize it. yes it was poor timing, and yes i still believe in everything ive said before and even now.

since we're on the topic of consent fics anyways, i had also freshly started receiving hate about writing dub-con only after i had made a callout post (back in july) and all that jazz. from then, i have even stepped up from my earlier works to put in the tags to make sure that it does not come across someone's dash who doesnt want it. in addition to this, i have used better warnings on my works as well. since i think it's important to discuss it now, i will talk about what i write. 45/55 of the time when i do write dub-con, it isnt for the ✨ kink ✨ or to sexualize the moment. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit it since i have never talked about my personal life ever on my blog so to open up about this is hard and i dont want people to perceive this as an excuse, just the p.o.v of where i produce my works.

please do not make fun of or mock me, it's hard enough talking about this as is. many events in my life have led to shaping me into thinking/believing that intercourse has to be reluctant at first to really enjoy it. since i also have enough trust issues on my own to physically cope with it, i use writing for it instead. and no, this has nothing to do with aforementioned callout post either. of course i know now from proper treatment and working on myself that sex isnt supposed to be like that but it's just my outlet with getting it out. my issue with people who write non-con/rape have not experienced it or focus it mainly on being assualted just because it makes the story "hot", which doesnt sit right with me. not only this, they do not tag/warn properly either, which i do (explanation in blue).

as a reader i do think you can send me asks like, "hey, i dont like that you did this" because i can always keep that criticism in mind for my later stories. had it been an ask (or asks) that had been genuine concern would have been fine, but the fact that people are sending around a screenshot and jumping to make posts so they can get a chance to bully me again is the same toxicity i was talking about. if you were actual supporters of mine (whether you didnt like what i wrote or not), why was the thought of sending it to people who hate me the first thought to do? were you expecting me to say i didnt do it? unlike most people i can admit to my own wrongdoings.

its the fact that REAL people were offended and you guys are using it for your sad agenda to have everyone hate me. you guys are OBSESSED with stalking me even though you cant stand me. bringing up old callout posts and then trying to shove words into my mouth that arent there show very clearly what yalls true motives are. capitalizing on my mistakes and waiting for moments where i say something you dislike is NOT you playing hero, youre just toxic people waiting for an outlet to abuse someone. stop pretending to care about issues when you dont. any asks/etc related to this that are just straight up hate will not be answered.

#tw racism #tw; racism #tw rape #tw; tape #tw noncon #tw; noncon #discourse #sav talks

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gleekto · 4 years ago

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Summary: College AU/Famous!Blaine and Fanboy!Kurt - Kurt POV

Kurt really doesn’t have time to figure out the dating world between being a freshman at prestigious theatre school, LAADA, and his active but secret blogging life in the Sing!Fandom. So what if Sing! ended last year? There are still fics to read and actors to follow. Especially the uber talented heartthrob lead, Blaine Anderson. He can act. He can sing. He can even dance. He’s gay. He’s out. And he’s only 24. Kurt is willing to twiddle his thumbs and click refresh until Blaine Anderson’s next project.

He just didn’t expect the next project to be on his roommate Rachel’s new TV show.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Even Better than the Real Thing (10/13)

Kurt drops the phone as his heart starts to race and panic takes over. He feels like he’s going to throw up. No. He doesn’t have time to throw up. He immediately signs on to tumblr and deletes his blog. Gone. But it’s too late anyways. He calls Mercedes on autopilot.

“It’s over, Mercedes,” Kurt shakes as he says it. “He knows.”

“What? Who knows what?” But he can practically see the information dawn on her as she says it. “He knows you were a fan? Shit.”

“Yes, specifically, he knows that I was LimaBlaineFan - and I say was because I just deleted.”

“Oh my god, Kurt. How did this happen? Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. And I don’t know. Or I can guess. He surprise visited me and I forgot to close my laptop screen and I must have left him in my room while I was dealing with Rachel and her oat milk,” Kurt puts the pieces together. “Fucking oat milk.”

“So he ended it on the spot?”

“No. God. He didn’t even say anything. He must have seen something but not much, gone home and read the blog, and then texted me 24 hours later with a terse goodbye.”

“So what did he say?” Kurt sends her the text. “It’s not great,” She agrees. “But that’s not exactly closure.”

“I don’t think I get closure after what I did. Just memories of our night together and of what an idiot I am.” Kurt goes over the whole story with Mercedes - how he obviously wanted to be chill when he met Blaine, didn’t want to seem like a desperate fanboy but just a friend of Rachel’s - which he is! That wasn’t a lie. And he always made sure to give Blaine an out, not to talk too much, but Blaine kept wanting to talk and flirt and - well, as soon as he really started to believe that they were more than friendly acquaintances with a mutual friend, he stopped blogging. But it was too late by that point to say ‘Oh by the way, I was such a big fan of Sing! that I have a blog about it and your name may feature.’ But he knows it’s all an excuse. Blaine told him the first time they met that a fan is not a friend. And he didn’t heed the warning. Or tell the truth.

Mercedes listens to the story she already knows, and affirms and agrees, but unfortunately, can’t really fix a situation that can’t be fixed. Kurt spends the night staring at his ceiling and the next day moping around the house, tired and cranky. He binges Gossip Girl and eats popcorn and texts Mercedes sad face emojis.

Even Rachel notices that something’s wrong when she comes in that evening. “You’re still in pajamas?” She looks at him quizzically. “And you look like hell.”

“Thanks?”

“And I only point that out because it’s very unlike you.”

“I guess that is actually a compliment.”

“What’s wrong?” Before he thinks of what he’s going to say, Rachel interrupts again. “Wait. Blaine was a wreck today - bags under his eyes, forgot all his lines. Just said he had a rough night. Okay, Kurt. What is going on with you two?”

“Nothing now.”

“Now?”

“It’s not working out, okay?” Rachel starts to say something again but thinks better of it.

“Okay,” She seems to clue in to the fact that he does not want to talk about it. “I’ll go out later to get you a piece of cheesecake from Henry’s.” His favourite cheesecake place.

“Thank you,” He says sincerely. “Best therapy.”

...

After his cheesecake, which did take his mind off the mess of his life for at least 15 minutes, he moves back to his bedroom for night two of ceiling gazing, when his phone buzzes.

Blaine: So you didn’t respond.

He stares at the message, willing the right response to come to him.

Kurt: I honestly just don’t know what to say. Other than I’m sorry. I guess that’s what I should have said.

Blaine: So you are LimaBlaineFan, right?

Kurt: Guilty. Very guilty.

Blaine: Shit.

Kurt: I know we’re done - it’s my fault. You don’t need to say anything.

Kurt can’t actually bear the idea of Blaine lecturing him on honesty amidst crushing his heart.

Blaine: It is your fault. But we should talk.

Kurt: We should?

Blaine: Meet me at the Coffee Bean tomorrow at 3, okay?

Kurt: Let me check my calendar.

Blaine: Cheeky.

Kurt knows he made him smile despite himself.

Kurt: I’ll be there.

...

Kurt gets to the Coffee Bean half an hour early so he can be sure to be there first. He buys Blaine his favourite medium drip and adds a vanilla almond biscotti.

“These for me?” Blaine says as he sits down across from Kurt.

“The least I could do.” Blaine rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but he accepts the coffee and cookie. “I’m really sorry. I should have told you.”

“Yeah, you should’ve,” Blaine says and pauses, sipping his coffee.

“Can I ask you a question?” Kurt starts.

Blaine shrugs. “Go for it.”

“Why did you ask me to meet you for coffee? I mean, after finding out the guy you just -” Kurt gets red despite himself.

“Got naked with,” Blaine fills in.

“Yes - was actually a fan following your career-”

“And my body parts,” Blaine adds and Kurt gets much redder.

“I mean, I think that gives you license to fully ghost me without another word.”

“True,” Blaine nods his head. “But for one, you are my co-star’s roommate-”

“At least that’s true,” Kurt sighs at himself.

“Also, I’m not an asshole.”

“But I probably gave you reason to think that I am one.”

“No - which is the real reason I wanted to talk. The timeline.” Kurt looks at him confused. “Your blog on tumblr. It seems like once we met, you only blogged a few times. And by the time I was interested in you, you stopped posting.”

Kurt nods, giving himself an internal high five for at least one decent choice. “I did. Right after we-”

“Made out all night?” Blaine has got to stop putting these images back into his head in the midst of a break up conversation.

“No. It was before that. After you - you know we talked in my room-”

Blaine remembers, smiling. “When I got you to tell me you had never been kissed so I could tell you that you should be.”

“You’re so calculating,” Kurt shakes his head.

Blaine raises his hands in defense. “My intentions were pure, I promise. Besides, I could say the same about you.”

“I wasn’t calculating! I wasn’t even trying to be your friend, let alone your, you know. I am definitely not sophisticated enough to try to deceive you to get you into bed, god. I was just trying to seem reasonably normal and cool around my roommate’s new co-star who by complete coincidence was my celebrity crush of the last four years. It was way too uncool to reveal my alter ego to you.”

Blaine smiles, probably despite himself. “Can I tell you some of my favourites?”

“Oh god.”

It seems Blaine spent the better part of his evening delving deeply into the fandom mind of LimaBlaineFan, because he had screencapped some of Kurt’s oldest, and cringiest posts.

-Why isn’t he shirtless in that scene? The other guys are shirtless. Roy is hot. And no, I don’t think he’s embarrassed.

“Well, you are right about that. I’m not camera shy.”

-Thank God Blaine Anderson has a better fashion sense than Roy. Roy and his loose jeans and sweatpants - how would I even catch a glimpse? But did you see Blaine on that red carpet? Maroon suit, pants so tight. His ass is perfection.

-Blaine’s interview for Pride was perfection. He says we might even catch him out on the dance floors, dancing with some hotties. Maybe then he’ll be shirtless.

And of course, Blaine appreciated Kurt’s hard work on one of his most recent posts - The privileges and pitfalls of playing straight for an out gay actor: Quotes from Blaine Anderson’s interviews.

Kurt lets Blaine read each one, sitting silent in embarrassment and biting his lip through it all. It’s the least he deserves. Just as Blaine finishes his list and Kurt is about to go into profuse apology once again, they’re interrupted.

A young woman who looks about seventeen scurries quickly up to their table. “Hi. I’m sorry. I know you’re busy. I’m just such a huge fan of Sing! And now That’s So Rachel-” - If that was a fan test, she passed. She knows both shows. That’s a minimum. “Can I get a pic with you?”

“Of course. Thank you so much for watching.” Blaine takes her phone like a pro and angles it so he and the girl are both in it, Kurt trying to avoid being the photobomb in the background. Blaine turns back to him as the girl leaves.

“I guess that would’ve been me a few months ago.”

“For you, I might have even given a hug. Or the coveted kiss on the cheek. I always try to connect with the gay guy fans.”

“You succeeded?” Kurt tries and Blaine laughs. At least the energy between them is better. Much better. Like he won’t have to hide in a corner if he’s ever at an event with Blaine again or anything like that.

“I guess I did.”

“The first time I met you, you told me that a fan is not a friend.”

“I did.”

“Would you have asked me out if you had known from the beginning?”

“Probably not. Against the rules.”

“That’s what I thought.” There’s an awkward pause - Kurt’s not sure there’s anything else to say and apparently Blaine agrees because he switches the topic to the latest script and his excitement about working with Patti Lupone - who apparently, even gets to slap him. By the time they leave the café, Kurt feels relieved. He’s survived his first break up. Not that they were really together. He doesn’t have the energy to grieve the loss of kissing, and touching, and ironically still not having seen Blaine shirtless (pantless, yes). He’s sure it will hit him like a ton of bricks after he finally gets a real night of sleep, and then he will have Rachel prepare the cheesecake. Again.

He crawls into bed early that night, grateful the shock and awful adrenaline of the last two days has finally left his body. His phone buzzes as he closes his light and he plans to text Mercedes back to tell her he’ll update her tomorrow. But it’s not Mercedes.

Blaine: Some rules are made to be broken.

#even better than the real thing #gleekto writes

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alchemist-shizun · 4 years ago

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have you ever do coming out? how it was?

I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.

I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.

I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)

Then my family. Well.

This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)

So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.

Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.

He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)

So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.

Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.

Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.

Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.

The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".

My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)

About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.

May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.

Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.

I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.

I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.

After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.

Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.

How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)

Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)

Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.

As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.

See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.

#long post #purp and anons #panphobia #coming out story #tw bad parents #tw toxic relationship

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gg-astrology · 5 years ago

Text

Update Pt. II: Self-Realization and What I’m Going to do with my Old Posts

i.e. You ever experience having Big Fear of saying something on a subject, but being scared someone/something is going to Crash Down on you with a c/o about how Wrong you are? Here’s how I’m dealing with emotions and expectations and Big Fear of Consequences (incase it helps, but its just my personal experience + thoughts) 💕❤️💗

🚫long post🚫

*this is still just an update on what’s been happening in my life?? So this is literally just what I’ve thought about, processing and dealing with. It’s not really meant to be like - here’s a full-out well-explained educational post with an ending conclusion on the subject. I’m literally just recounting events of what happened and how I feel like I’d do to a friend irl - so I hope you guys can take it as such as well!

It’s not a big deal but I think it’s good to process, share and talk about overcoming my own personal issues with you guys!! 💕❤️💗

So:

There’s one day where I woke up (when I was still without my laptop) and saw someone comment on my old post. I have tumblr linked to my email for certain notifications - just so I can screen and know what to expect when I come into my inbox/replies.

Basically, it was an old post that I wrote trying to help anon but I was factually incorrect (to the point where I cringed at the first sentence and then shamed myself to bed 5 hours later) This made me realize my Top 10 Nightmare of Tumblr Paranoia had came true (at long last).

It’s probably bad to expect it to happen? But it happens y know. And I’m actually glad they commented because phew I want to actually make this blog a place where I can actually help people and talk about things more objectively. So heres the thing:

I’m going to go back and clarify parts of it. I’ll mostly keep most of the content intact because I think I had good intentions, I was just Lacking A lot of Fundamental Theory and Boy That’s Not A Good Thing For An Astro Blog NOT To Have.

I want to keep it as a process and archive of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown/learnt. I’m? decidedly not that proud of my earlier works - and there’s things I’m still concerned about that I want to go back and address/re-edit so it could be better. But I think it’s low-key kind of fun to see who you are in the past and how present me would view past me now?

It’s like a scrapbook of my astrology journey as well - like yeah I was wrong on things, but seeing me do more research and making actual pieces of work to complement my studies is like a portfolio of what I’ve done, how far I’ve come, how my objectives have changed (if they have/haven’t) what I could stand before but couldn’t stand now, or maybe some inspiration/insights that I lack now that I might’ve had before. Idk? I just think it’s a cool neat thing to not delete or erase, or Big Fear people will come see because it’s. It’s just there and it’s me.

BUT I do think? I should make it Good for everyone who still have access to the past works. It’s basically in my masterlist so it’s available to literally everyone who decides to check. And it’s NOT good if people get the wrong info because I lacked the knowledge and wrote it in a post, and still made the post accessible to everyone. That’s just.. irresponsible? On my part. And how I put everyone else up to it as well bc of my irresponsibility.

That’s Not Good. So I’m gonna do better to scan through past works and hash it out bit by bit, it’ll take some time but I’ll start with the one that was pointed out - and work my way to other ones as well just to check if they’re ok or not ok.

For Those Who Has The Big Fear as well:

I mentioned at the beginning, this is just me talking about what I want to do about it. I just wanted to share that experience, how I feel (Complete and Utter Shame, that was mixed with Embarrassment and Horror at myself - took me a good 3 days to Process my Feelings and came to that conclusion) -- and just y know -- I’m sure this is not just a Me Thing where you see your past stuff and you Know you’re embarrassed to talk about it. But. It’s not a bad thing. And here’s me living through it.

I think in the future - I’ll continue to be embarrassed by my lack of knowledge because I have a lot to learn. There’s plenty of people - you, me, this new person who seems to know terms you haven’t heard of before, this other person who has very formed opinions on things based on their own knowledge - who learnt things and know things.

It’s? difficult to be on top of it all the time, or know everything if you haven’t learnt about it before. So don’t be ashamed or scared that you don’t? Know everything?

When you’re beginning to learn a subject, I don’t know about others, but me and my friend have this Big Fear of saying the wrong thing or coming off too confident in something that’s Wrong and then someone coming after you/calling you out for it -- it was a mistake, or a lack of knowledge but you can’t be faulted for that.

How are you supposed to know something if you didn’t know? That also can’t be shamed. Maybe because we think we have to be accountable for ourselves and our lack of knowledge-- so we don’t offend someone Big who may be more knowledgeable and personally offended by just-- a person not knowing something.

I think we fear the consequences, sometimes more so than talking about it or enjoying the subject in open-ness to each others who have similar interests (there’s also an issue with inadequacy and comparison, but we’ll talk about that later see topic headers below).

I think the idea that we could get Wrecked and Hurt, Completely Mauled Over by something or someone’s influence/ideas that is Larger than us - intimidates us at a moderately core-level into Not Addressing It (i.e. Not Taking Action/Talking). Because the repercussion seems to be... wild, and Maybe We’ll be a ScrapeGoat of an Unfortunate Event and Thats Not Cool At All Yikes.

Addressing All The Fears (a Bundle Around This Big Fear Context)

I’ve talked about it before, like way back earlier in the days. But I’ve always had a Big Fear of this. That’s part of why I get so intimidated when someone I like/look up to follow me?

There’s always the tiny nagging suspicion and doubt underneath my anxiety regarding this topic - like I’m unsure whether they’re going to see how I talk, what I say, what I’m providing for others and cast judgement that it isn’t good enough - like maybe I’m wrong about something and I’ll have to live with it (unreasonable but still, a Fear) and they can See that and Know i’m wrong. That’s a big Shame and Embarrassed feeling for me (i.e. making a fool of myself, which is?? essentially what this is on)

I think throughout my time here... I’ve begun to slowly mend my ideas about that fear. Part of it is because I’ve learnt more, I’m more active in using my skill-sets.

It’s because I have this blog - that I decided I’m going to start it, and it’ll keep me active in learning that I got to build up my skill-set and kept myself in-check from there. I got to interact with different topics and themes, double-check my own understanding of topics/subjects, sure I don’t know anything and everything. All of this is just what I’ve learnt, and me actively learning as I go - and while it was -- Big Fear and Unstable Ground for a while, eventually I learnt to rely more on -- the support system and people who do appreciate you, like you, what they talk about with you.

You learn to appreciate the systems around you - the ones who interact and likes or ask and talk about stuff. The Fear and Responsibilities gets less and less fearful, because I’ve built trust in others - and it’s a reality check: that not all that’s in my head is good for me. Not even myself and my own thought is as good to me as the reality you live/have around you sometimes. And thats -- a fortunate thing, that’s something to not be taken for granted, and something I have to be thankful for. It directly addresses possible issues I didn’t know I had -- about how much this was weighing on me, by relieving me from it bit by bit as well.

And that’s what I should note on, because even just a solitary ‘like’ on a social media site-- when you’re scared or unsure of whether you’ve made a right call -- is enough of a support for you to rest a little easier, knowing someone else got what you intended and support you morally as well.

Standards and Logic: Ideals

I still get Big Fear because of my own ideals - like sometimes I have a mean voice? That just goes ‘you’re an astrology blog - your core/most basic requirement is to KNOW basic facts about astrology’ and then it goes ‘you NOT knowing something about the subject -- something basic, and STILL getting it wrong is absolutely irredeemable’

You know what’s the worst part about the mean voice? It’s because it’s my brain, it’s how I reason and logic. This is how I hold my own standards and ideals, and no matter how kind I am to others, my own core self isn’t kind to myself. Fundamentally --- since I couldn’t resolve it, I believe it’s my standard and is underlying in how I treat others too (even if I actively work to Not Let That Happen or Be True, it’s still a part of me).

I don’t want to treat others like that. That’s the scariest part. Part of the reason why it’s so hard - is because we see reason why our mean voice makes sense. To me, that’s objectively the ideal and standard. I already gave it my consent and agreement by understanding it’s logic - and now I fear it.

A part of me just going through this - is confronting this standard issue and my ideals. I think -- all of us who have Big Fear in some ways, understands the logic in just being Good at what you start out to do. Fundamentally, objectively. It kinda makes sense that if you’re going to write about biochem - you should get it right so you don’t fuck up about it.

But I think you all can tell now - reading it in third person - how you’re allowed to make mistakes? If you’re willing to say that to someone else and understand that-- even if you write about biochem, but you might’ve missed a few marks because you got the answer wrong--- it doesn’t mean you’ve completely jeopardize the subject itself and everyone who’s a master at it. You’ve just made a mistake. And everyone - realistically - realizes how little it matters when you admit or realize you’ve made a whoopsie.

Making Mistakes - Accepting Being Wrong To Not Become an Asshole

A mistake is a mistake, it’s a human error. People fuck up sometimes, but -- we learn from our mistakes.

It’s just a matter of accepting it in the first place? Being able to accept the mistake is what differentiate being an asshole to actually not letting it hinder you and moving on.

I think -- just in my case -- I can see why it’s easy to cling on. If you only have your skill-sets to hold onto to, it’s hard to accept any other form of opinions or ideas that challenges it. I think that’s -- ego -- but also defense/offensive action.

Not -- ‘im offended’ but more like, a tactical offense. I’ve seen people who manipulate others because they only have their skill-sets. Making the audience sway in their narrative and perspectives because they say it’s the ‘truth’ and that they’re knowledgeable or have experiences. I don’t necessarily agree with what they do, but that’s -- not on me, and I don’t care because that’s not something I?? feel comfortable addressing.

I offered this brief example - because it’s the opposite of ‘well I don’t feel adequate about my knowledge, maybe I shouldn’t say something because I don’t have anything to offer?’ - here’s an example of someone who has knowledge, and is saying something. But is perhaps doing it in a way that isn’t... ideal as well.

So if you think about the alternative: Which would you rather be?

We just gotta know how to deal with it and address all the different elements to it as we can (what we’ve touched on earlier: own voice, judgement from others, concrete-starting something and self-expectations, fearful of expectations, not accepting being wrong or making mistakes as an OK thing to do, and how to deal with it kinda)

Future Embarrassment (Continuous habit of being Embarrassed and Feeling Inadequate About your Skill-sets/Knowledge)

I’ve always thought about this - like how do I stop myself from being embarrassed and ashamed when I can’t fault myself for not knowing before - the only solution I can find for myself is just to do good.

Not suddenly go research and be on top of it with information + overloading myself like That kind of Good-good (‘im good at what I do’ -- not that type of good, confidence in skills doesn’t cover up insecurities and fear, but you can be confident in other areas you can shine light on better about yourself!)

Do good to me is to chew what I can, say when I can’t, have good intentions and offer the things you CAN give. If it’s insight, clarifications, open-opinions - most people who are coming to you and asking for you are people who appreciates intentions. Just as you expect the same back.

The most consistent thing I’ve ever done is to just be in the mindset of wanting to be good and pushing myself to be good. I’m not saying I’m like -- 100% whole-heartedly a Good Person. But if I just focus on my intent, how it underlines everything, keeping things clear with that intention in mind. As long as I aspire to be good to others, there’s not much else anyone can say to harm me or my motives I think.

Maybe I’m not that good in terms of skill-sets, but more in terms of wanting to do objectively the best that I can, and wanting the best for others. That’s the two things I keep in my mind and goals; in your own heart. Regardless of everything - these two things will keep you going if you truly want and work towards it.

Comparison to others/Inadequacy

I think that to others - maybe other people who have the same goal in mind; maybe same heart, maybe this would mean to do what they can and perhaps they are capable of achieving skill-sets, overcoming insecurities with knowledge and Not Feel Overwhelmed.

But I know that’s not for me? Not how I work or the best I can offer - of course I attempt it too and yeah it works sometimes, but my constant and my ideas haven’t been about being right or correct whenever I post or say something (although I strive to try and do it right, as much as I can) -- it’s always been about realistically - what can I do, what can I give that’s 100% me and what’s needed/capable of doing?

It’s hard because there’s also -- ideals about what IS the best solution. Like when presented with the same problems, same ask. You have two different people who share the same ideals and thoughts - both agreeing that the best way is to do it ‘like this’ - but one does it better and the other watches it knowing they couldn’t have executed it as flawlessly.

And maybe you’re the other - but that, doesn’t make it any less obvious when you see it in third-person that the other person has their own gift and methods that is just as valuable as the one who did the good execution. They provide and support one another, just have to find their wings and respect, appreciate and cherish (lift up) one another’s skill-sets and capabilities as well.

It’s hard to apply it back to yourself -- that your thoughts, words and knowledge is valuable to anyone or that it’s Not lacking in some ways. What you see of yourself - there’s others who sees it in a more tender way than you do. What you can control, and what you can do best, is to not expect yourself to be unrealistic - but expect to be realistic about what you can provide, if all else fails, anyways.

Stick to your guns - I’m basically just trying to say that. The feeling of inadequacy (that’s literally the core of it, underneath the shame) is fine -- and yeah. I don’t have? I’ve written alot but I hope this comes through well.

I’m working through it but I hope, this helps a little. If you’ve read it at all. It’s long and rambly, but I hope this -- helps? Anyone else? Or just myself who’s working through it. But -- I hope this gives strength or support to anyone who needs it. Thanks for reading if you’ve read!!!

#personal #psa #update #pt.2 #oooof long #queue-t

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snarky-gourmet · 6 years ago

Note

She deleted so I guess all of you got what you wanted. She won’t answer messages on kakao or texts. She didn’t deserve this.

Sorry this took me more than a day to get to, I don’t usually check my inbox unless I get a notif, and then it took a while to write everything out as it is quite lengthy and then on top of that the incidents related to this topic kept persisting literally as I wrote it :)

I checked the time stamp on this when I saw it and it seems like you sent this about an hour after I talked to Madds’ friend yesterday–we had a very civil and pleasant talk that cleared up a lot of stuff and she informed me that Madds is doing just fine, which I’m extremely glad about. **Edit: on March 21st, 2 days after the first conversation between us, I received messages from Madds’ friend to alert us that Madds has contacted an attorney, and then continued to falsely accuse those of us in the group chat, including those who have never had ANY involvement in this from the beginning of the disagreement until now, of stalking and harassing her. Those screenshots will be included at the end of the post.**

There seems to be a lot of rumours going on and a lot of people are under the wrong impression given the fact that Maddison has spread falsehood after falsehood in order to make herself look like the victim in a situation that should have been initially so insignificant, there was no valid reason for victim-hood on either side.

This conflict with Madds has been ongoing for several months now, and all of us involved are honestly done with the false accusations, vague-posting, and borderline harassment. As a result, the decision to make this post was reached.

This post’s purpose is to clear our names and make it known that the things Madds has been saying about us are not true. We do not wish for ANYONE to go after Madds or her friends. We would never want harm to come to her. All we want is for this to stop, and according to her party, that’s what she wants as well, so here we go.

Let me make it clear:

None of us from the fandom-oriented group chat Madds used to be in, and then left on her own after a disagreement, have ever:

-Stalked Madds through her public blog or through any other platforms

-Bullied her off the site

-Stabbed her in the back

-Sent her anon hate/death threats or asked others to on our behalf

-Done anything at all that was malicious towards Madds at any time

The only times any of us have contacted Madds personally since she left the group chat have been to try and reason with her, to try and console her, to try and ask her to stop making vague posts about us, to stop blaming us for the anons she was getting, and to ask her to stop trying to turn shared friends/mutuals against us and let the incident go.

The only times any of us have been to Madds’ new blog after she deleted her old one have been to check on her well being, as we would never want harm to come to her, as well as when she has mentioned any of us by name and people who were shared friends/mutuals brought it to our attention.

I will not be mentioning all names of people involved in this conflict as none of us from the group chat at least, wish to drag any more people into this mess who really didn’t have anything to do with it.

Until this point, my personal role in all of this has been little more than a bystander. I am still an active member of the group chat that Madds left, and I know everyone in there very well. I have witnessed what has happened since the start and with the permission of everyone else from the gc, I’m happy to provide answers as to what has actually been going on.

Below the cut is a timeline containing all screenshots we have of everything that has gone on from the beginning of the conflict leading up to a few days ago now, when Madds apparently made the choice to delete her blog completely unprompted by any of us, who were all making it a point to distance ourselves more than before after she threatened to call the cops on us in a text post because she thought we were stalking her.

Tw for in-depth mentions of suicide baiting and implications of self-harm among other things that may be distressing for some to read.

–

The initial disagreement that started all of this took place on November 21st last year, and it is quite frankly, embarrassing and unnecessary that such a small scale disagreement escalated to the extent that it did, and is still ongoing despite our (the gc’s) attempts to reason with, and then when that didn’t work, cease contact with Madds.

We were discussing Key’s upcoming album when Madds (sunshinekibum) brought up how she wishes that sh/awols were more hyped about it, which was a valid point of discussion to be made.

Madds expressed how she felt that she and other lockets couldn’t be happy without others having a negative reaction to it. Kiri brought up the fact that it was close to December, and therefore it was not anyone’s fault if they were not in high spirits, but made it clear that lockets had every right to be happy and there was nothing holding them back from that. Madds apologised, appearing to have taken it the wrong way, then removed herself from the server.

After she had left, Kiri messaged Madds via tumblr to talk things through.

Kiri reiterated that due to the timing of Key’s album being released, she and some other sh/awols were having a hard time being excited and clarified that her words were not meant to be taken as a personal attack on Madds. She apologised, as did Madds, but Madds did not understand that Kiri was not claiming her words to be insensitive. She instead appeared to be using the incident to beat herself up. Kiri pointed out to Madds that she had made a valid point and the way she felt was justified, so there was no reason she should be so harsh on herself.

Madds then explained the reason behind why she left the group chat, citing a difference in viewpoints as well as a desire to not cause any harm, which she had never caused in the first place. Efforts were made to try to get her to see that and possibly invite her back to the gc on her own terms.

Kiri brings up how Madds is misunderstanding her words and feelings about the disagreement in the group chat and doesn’t seem to be interested in seeing her side to things. Madds responds by clarifying that her words were not aimed at Kiri specifically but rather meant as a generalised statement from what she had personally seen. She also acknowledged that proximity to December as a factor, but also stated that she still felt as if she were going to face criticism for being excited by those who were not. Kiri then defends herself, citing Madds’ word choice and tone as the reason for her own words in the group chat.

She continues and points out that Madds is the one beating herself up in this situation, and that no one thought ill of her and no one was harmed by Madds’ words. Kiri then clarifies again what exactly the source of the disagreement was, and requests that Madds does not twist her words as a means to punish herself. Madds apologises.

After this, a bit of time passed, and Madds changed her Tumblr URL to “imaginemp3″. During this same time, there was a post made by Madds that Kiri later alludes to, that appears to reference the disagreement that happened between her and Kiri in the gc, suggesting that she had resentment, or at the very least, remaining displeasure with Kiri for said disagreement. It was later deleted.

Shortly after, Kiri deactivated her previous blog due to an extremely high amount of anon hate and desire to distance herself from the drama at hand. A mutual friend of ours and Madds was also receiving such anons.

After Kiri deactivated, Madds began receiving anons as well, written in the same tonal and vocabulary pattern as the ones Kiri and the mutual friend received, suggesting that they were all sent by the same person. We suspect that Madds is the one who sent them to Kiri, the other recipient, and herself as well. This is the event that Madds claims was all of us in the gc “bullying her off the site”. None of us sent those anons to her. Unfortunately, no screenshots of the ones Kiri nor the other person received exist due to A) the upsetting nature of the messages and B) at the time they received the messages, there was no reason to save evidence of them, seeing as how it was on in retrospect that we suspected Madds of being behind them.

Above are some of the anons that Madds had received, accusing her for being the reason Kiri had deactivated and for suicide baiting her. As a result, Madds makes the last post at the top of the image.

Thinking the worst, many of the people from the group chat and who followed Madds reached out to her via dms and text.

Among those people were Izzy (keyjapandebut) and someone who will be referred to as Sunny, as it is unnecessary to bring their name into undesired drama. Sunny is the 3rd person besides Kiri and Madds to have received the anons just mentioned.

Izzy initiates the conversation and tries to make sure that Madds is alright after the anons she got. Madds deflects, expressing concern for Kiri as priority even after Izzy states that Kiri is fine. Madds continues to place all of the blame on herself unnecessarily. This is when she alludes to the vent post previously mentioned, denying that it was about Kiri or the subject of their disagreement. (Due to the timing of the anons that both Kiri and then Madds received however, as well as the wording in Madds’ post, the opposite appears to be true. Izzy attempts to talk Madds down from the place she was in, and he tries to reason with her.

After Izzy’s first attempt to explain to Madds that she can still talk to Kiri if she needed to, Madds claims that she had been blocked by Kiri on the platforms she could have reached her on, which was not true according to what Kiri had shown us. The most likely explanation, if Madds had indeed sent 4 different discord messages to Kiri, but they had not been delivered, is that since they no longer had a shared server, discord would not deliver Madds’ messages to Kiri. However, when a message does not go through on discord, a bot will reply to the sender with the reason why.

Madds then states that she had requested Sunny to give her phone number to Kiri.

(*There is a missing screen shot before the first message from Izzy in this set. They were taken to show Kiri during this last attempt of his to mediate between the two, then deleted from his device immediately after, so he does not remember the context of the first message.)

Madds once again just asks for Izzy to deliver the message that she says sorry to Kiri and the rest of us. At the same time that Izzy is talking to Madds, he is delivering what Madds asks him to to Kiri. Kiri asks Izzy to relay to Madds that all she wants from this is for Madds to move on. To this request, Madds says she cannot and says that we “can all go be fine without her”. Izzy asks what Madds meant by this, reassures her that what she is suggesting is not necessary for a resolution, and that she had not caused Kiri the amount of distress she thinks she caused her from the disagreement in the gc. To this, Madds seems to shut off, repeating “okay im glad she’s okay”. Izzy picks up on the fact that Madds isn’t really listening anymore, and points it out. Madds continues to just say that “we don’t have to worry about her”.

Izzy attempts to explain as someone who was still on good terms with Madds at this point in time that ceasing all concern over her wasn’t possible, but Madds argued, claiming that since we “all have each other there’s no reason any of us need her”. Izzy sees that as long as Madds is acting like this and continuing to make herself out to both be the sole reason behind all of this as well as the victim at the same time, and tries to reach a resolution with Madds. Madds then says goodbye, that she’ll be okay, and that she is sorry for causing trouble, but will “make sure it doesn’t ever happen again” (that clearly didn’t happen). This was Izzy’s last interaction with Madds.

None of us blamed her for anything that was going on at this point, nor did we ever say anything to imply that we wanted her gone or to feel guilt. All we wanted was for her to stop beating herself up so much–as none of us saw a reason why the disagreement back in November should have caused such distress–and to listen to the words we had to say, as we were genuinely concerned for Madds’ well being.

It was only after later examination of the language that she used during her talk with Izzy, the fact that Madds was still connecting this back to the rather small disagreement that took place, her initial reaction to the disagreement, and the eventual realisation that all of the anons that had been received by Madds, Kiri, and Sunny had the same syntax, that an inkling of suspicion ever rose up in regards to Madds. Izzy in particular became suspicious of Madds due to his first encounter with her when her url was peachykibummie. Madds was a stranger to him, a stranger receiving suicide-baiting anons with the exact same syntax as the ones she, Kiri, and Sunny received. Izzy’s efforts to console her led to a friendship that is now history.

A little while after Izzy and Madds had their conversation, Madds and Sunny had talked. Sunny had told Madds that Kiri wished to speak with her.

(Kiri: Blue Text —— Madds: Grey Text)

The second message that Kiri sends addresses the apparent overreaction Madds has displayed since their disagreement. At this point, suspicion that Madds was acting like this out of desire for some sort of attention was starting to rise up.

To Kiri’s questioning, Madds acts as if she does not understand what Kiri is referring to. Kiri was aware of the way Madds had spoken in the chat with Izzy, as he had been the middleman between Kiri and Madds.

At the bottom of the first image in the set/top of the second image, Kiri brings up the fact that she did not receive any sort of messages from Madds as she had claimed from the conversation with Izzy. Kiri also brings up the post that Madds had made that seemed to have been about her and that seems to have kicked off the series of anons that Kiri, Madds, and Sunny all got.

Madds responds by claiming that she never lied and that Kiri deleted and blocked her over the post she had made, when in reality, Kiri had deactivated due to the anons, and denies that the post was about Kiri, despite the subject matter of the post being the same as the disagreement right down to the details.

(Last text cut off on the bottom reads “Move on. I have.”)

In this series of texts Madds does not understand that everyone was scared for her and that is why multiple individuals checked up on her after she made an alarming goodbye post after the anons she got were suicide baiting her. She then tries to turn the tables on Kiri and accuses her of being the one who is still upset over the disagreement, when the thing Kiri is actually upset over is the post, the anons, Madds essentially disregarding everyone’s concern while attempting to cause guilt at the same time, and then lying about several different things that have happened.

In Kiri’s message she brings up that it was believed that Madds was the one behind all of the anons, as supported by a multitude of details about them. She then clarifies the fact that people checked on her out of concern, as previously mentioned. Kiri also brings up the apparent guilt-tripping that Madds is doing and mentions that she wishes that Madds gets help, but doesn’t wish for Madds to use her as a means to punish herself, which is what she was doing. Lastly, Kiri expresses that she only wanted to ensure that Madds was alright, and that at the end of it all, nothing in the disagreement was important enough for all of this to come out of it.

Those were the last messages exchanged until December 28th.

On December 28th, Kiri has messaged Madds prefacing her request that she drop the situation once and for all after after Kiri had heard from Sunny that Madds was still not past the conflict, and had worked Sunny up enough to cause serious upset, with an apology. Kiri then brings up the fact that she blocked Madds in an attempt to put everything behind them and create distance.

Madds retorts that she had not tried to contact anyone except for Sunny since Kiri had blocked her. Madds then argues that what she says to Sunny about Kiri, who is, once again, someone who is a friend of both Kiri and Madds at this point, is none of her business and that Kiri has “her clean break’ due to the fact that Madds has not talked to her directly.

While it is true that Madds had not spoken to Kiri personally, she had tried to turn Sunny against Kiri, making Kiri out to be malicious towards Madds, and Madds herself the victim. That is what Kiri refers to in her first message in the second picture.

Madds says that it was an honest question for Sunny, and that she is allowed to ask questions and have her own opinions like everyone else. No one had implied that she was not allowed to have her own thoughts and ask questions to Sunny, the question was simply why she had done so if she had supposedly moved on. Kiri acknowledges Madds’ point, and continues asking what Madds’ goal was in asking if she really wanted nothing to do with her.

Madds responds by claiming that her inquiry to Sunny was out of concern for Sunny. Kiri then brings up the fact that while doing so, Madds had caused a significant level of distress to Sunny. Madds responds, suggesting that she did not understand how she had hurt Sunny. Kiri explains that there wouldn’t be a point due to Madds sole response to previous attempts at both Sunny and Kiri explaining how she has caused them harm has been that she “saw how it could come off that way” while never acknowledging what she had done. Kiri then elaborates by telling Madds that Sunny had said to Kiri that Madds had breached Sunny’s trust by attempting to turn her against Kiri.

Madds says that she is getting different stories on the matter, but apologizes for causing issues for Sunny and Kiri. Madds then brings up that her hurting Sunny does not excuse Kiri from hurting Sunny, which was never an argument Kiri tried to make in the situation. Madds also brings up that she wishes to continue the cease of contact that was previously between her and Kiri, and attempts to deflect any further discussion on the matter by claiming that Sunny does not want to be in the middle, which she would not have been if Madds had not tried to turn Sunny against Kiri.

Kiri points out that Madds has no knowledge of how she and Sunny had resolved things between them, and brings attention to the fact that Kiri has not mentioned Madds to Sunny or anyone else, but Madds was in fact mentioning Kiri in poor regards to Sunny, and that was the issue currently at hand.

Madds claims that Kiri is the one upset, and not herself, despite the fact that she had attempted to turn Sunny against Kiri for no apparent reason. Madds again cites concern for Sunny as being the motive behind asking why Sunny was still friends with Kiri. Madds apologises that her actions had hurt Kiri but does not feel as if she was in the wrong for her actions as they were supposedly out of concern for Sunny. She then claims again that she had let the disagreement go a while ago.

Kiri, done with being given the run-around by Madds, suggests a mutual agreement between the two of them to not bring each other up in any capacity any more, and that the two of them part ways and have their peace. Madds responds negatively, does not agree to the proposition, and again brings up that Kiri had contacted her first, which would not have happened had Madds not upset Sunny, and again pushes that what she says to others is none of Kiri’s business, apparently even if it directly involves Kiri.

To this, Kiri says that Sunny is not Madds’ friend, and Madds deflects by saying that Kiri and Sunny have different opinions on that matter and that it is not her issue. The last messages are sent by Kiri and are a request for Madds to gain maturity when dealing with conflict.

After this, there was no contact between any of us and Madds for a significant period of time. Madds had deleted her blog of her own volition. We had no reason to bring up her name in any capacity in the group chat, therefore we didn’t.

When things had settled, Kiri had created a new blog. Sometime during this duration, Madds had also remade and began claiming that we bullied her off the site. She began making vague posts that were in regards to us as well as posts that mentioned Kiri’s name and old URL specifically. These posts ranged from petty to the more malicious ones that were of Madds telling people the falsehood that we drove her off Tumblr.

There was no stalking involved to find her new blog, and to accuse us of such a thing is ludicrous. We are all in the same fandom, and due to this, Madds’ new blog was stumbled upon. We had no idea it was actually her until people who knew us alerted us of easytolovemp3 (Madds) talking shit about us, specifically Kiri. 2 and 2 were put together. Still then, only a handful of us who were actively present in the gc’s conversation at this time actually knew this was Madds, as the rest of us, namely myself and 1 other individual, were at our jobs at the time. Izzy and Kiri both blocked easytolovemp3 as soon as they knew it was Madds, not wishing to have contact with her.

Below is an image of a one of the petty incidents, essentially falsely accusing Kiri of being a kboo. This was brought to our attention through someone who was a shared mutual of both Madds and Kiri on their new blogs. You can see Kiri mentioned by name, and that is how this got around to us.

We were never actively dwelling on Madds’ new blog (or stalking as she put it) and until 2 weeks ago, two of us still didn’t know her new URL. One of us only found out yesterday. As a result, we do not have screenshots of all of the things she said during this time, nor did we save any of the screenshots others sent to us. The thought that this would be a still escalating issue at this point did not cross our minds back then, and honestly? We didn’t want to save the needlessly upsetting posts Madds had made.

Eventually, Kiri started receiving anon hate on her new blog and quietly abandoned it.

Sunny and Madds are still in contact at that point. Due to unrelated reasons, Izzy had deleted his blog some time in December. He recreated a new one this month with the purpose to have it as an art blog. It does not have his english name on it and the focus was on a different fandom.

Now we get to the point on the timeline that took place last week (the week of March 11th).

I had direct messaged Izzy on discord asking if he knew that Madds had deleted all of her posts except for several alarming and concerning ones, and he checked it out. I had gotten word from this from a friend. This was the first time that I had been to Madds’ blog and the first time I even knew this was her.

On her blog, everything was deleted except for posts of her once again accusing us of stalking her, as well as her essentially suggesting that she was going to commit suicide.

Both Izzy and I were extremely worried for Madds, as we would never want anything bad to happen to her. Despite the fact that she had accused the gc of stalking, bullying her off the site, sending her death threats, stabbing her in the back, etc., the fact that it seemed like she was going to harm herself was extremely upsetting. She is someone who we used to be friends with, after all.

In the first image, Madds claims in the tags of the bottom post that half of us have her blocked, which was not true. Only Izzy on his old blog and Kiri on her new one had her blocked. Izzy did not yet have Madds blocked on the newest blog he had just made. Everyone else in the gc had also not blocked her because some of us didn’t know about her blog until the most recent post about us “bullying her off tumblr” came to our attention and some of us had absolutely no involvement with the original disagreement and therefore, had no reason to even think about Madds. Kayden, for example, never had her blocked and had no involvement in any of this besides his proximity to Kiri and being in the group chat. We had indeed not interacted with her, but her claim that half of us had her blocked is incorrect.

We never sent her any of the anons she got on her imaginemp3 account, therefore her claims that we ruined the “one place she felt safe” and “ruined almost all her friendships” have no grounds and seem to be made purely for the sake of getting attention. Again, we strongly suspect that she was the one who sent her own self those anons. Additionally, if you recall the conversations Madds had with Kiri, she is told what exactly she did wrong: the issue was not the trivial disagreement back in November of last year, but the way she was spreading rumours, twisting words, and trying to turn people against us. Her claim to be the one “crying about it almost daily struggling with figuring out what she did wrong” makes no sense.

Shortly after we viewed the post, she had blocked both Izzy and I. Odd since neither of us had made contact with her or mentioned her in any way. It is unclear how she got Izzy’s new blog’s URL as his blog is no longer Sh/inee-oriented, has his English name no where on it, and no one outside of the group chat was privy to his new blog belonging to him. This, along with the timing of some of the vague posts Madds made previously, lead us to the conclusion that we believe someone in our group chat was essentially serving as a spy and sending Madds information on us. It does not add up any other way. The person/people who were possible suspects were removed from the group chat and we have had no further incidents directly tied to our suspicions.

On the left there is a new post coming after the ones in the left-hand image from the last set. On the right are more anons that she got.

The message on the top is the only reason Izzy and I continued checking on Madds’ blog at this point despite both of us now being blocked. It was to check on someone who seems to have posted a final goodbye–that’s what you do when you’re worried about someone, and we had more than reason to be worried.

Please take note of the one anon with the “x” signing the end of their message for later reference.

Above is an image of the post Madds had made after the ones in the previous set. Izzy had checked Madds’ blog early in the morning of last Tuesday, the 19th, to see if she was alright. He messaged me to tell me about it, as Madds was now threatening legal action against us, and I checked for myself, extremely alarmed.

In this post you can see a whole list of accusations Madds has against us, some very bitter adjectives, a lot of nasty names, and of course, the threat to contact the police. The nature of this post speaks for itself, so I don’t really feel the need to dissect it too much. “Terrified to make any move online because I knew you all would be waiting to ruin me again,” however, is especially interesting due to the fact that she was the one slandering Kiri’s name in particular, and every single time Kiri got a new blog, she received an avalanche of anons extremely similar to the others she had gotten before, some even bringing up personal matters that she only ever mentioned in the privacy of the group chat.

Considering the fact that we had done nothing in this extensive list, and she would have known this considering she was the one who had fabricated these baseless accusations, her threats to call the police on a group entirely composed of minorities, the majority being non-white and not a single one of us being cishet, honestly comes off as insidious.

(Some anons that were extremely similar in nature have been omitted due to the length of this post.)

On the left side of the screen shot, the first anon censors out Kiri’s most well known past URL, blingblingis. Madds clarifies that she was previously imaginemp3 before she deleted that blog and remade. “What she tried to pull with me,” alludes to the fabricated stalking, bullying, and other false accusations directed at Kiri and the rest of us. Madds then mentions in the tags that she knows that Kiri has a new blog, however she claims to not know the URL.

The second image in the screenshot can be taken as proof that Madds had spread rumours about Kiri bullying her off the site. Unless Madds sent this anon to her own self, in which case it is evidence of something else.

Please continue to note the “x” signing the end of that anon.

After taking note of all of this, Izzy and I both decided that it was in our best interest to no longer check on Madds even out of concern for her safety. We didn’t want for her to mistake that as stalking and push her towards legal action. It was unclear how Madds even knew we were checking on her at this point.

Later that day, I briefly and vaguely mentioned in the dms to a tumblr user I am friends with what was going on. Without me mentioning Madds by name, only (to be read in sarcastic tones) “How great it was to have someone who you used to be friends with threatening to call the cops on you and your friends over falsified accusations of stalking, harassing, intimidation, and bullying, all because she didn’t know how to handle a tiny fight over kpop,” she, who will be referred to as Moon, immediately knew who I was talking about.

As it turns out, Moon and Madds had spoken before, and Moon told me in a separate message that Madds was giving out a list of names of everyone in the group chat who she was accusing of stalking her, to those who messaged her asking for it. She also mentioned that Madds had told her the fabricated story of everything she claimed we had done to her, which made “us all sound fucking awful”.

The next day, Moon alerted me that Madds had deleted her tumblr out of the blue.

About an hour after Moon had told me that, Madds’ friend, who I mentioned way back at the very beginning of this post, messaged me.

Due to the fact that this individual is a minor that Madds has dragged into a dispute between adults and used as a middleman, they will be referred to as Nova to protect their identity. Please do not ask for their url. Please do not seek them out.

Nova begins interrogating me, who had no in-depth involvement prior to checking on Madds’ blog during her most recent alarming series of posts. Nova demands to know why the supposed “stalking” is going on “even though no one seems to want to talk to her after all of this” (correct!)

I clarify that none of us are stalking Madds, nor have ever stalked her or acted with any form of malice towards her. I also bring up the fact that I didn’t even know easytolovemp3 was Madds until my friend had seen the post making false accusations against us and told me. The fact that she did not have me blocked until after I looked at her blog is also something I brought light to, as well as the fact that the only time any of us from the gc have made contact with her since she left have been to ask her to stop posting about us.

Nova then presses for why we all still wanted to know about Madds and expresses that she thinks that it would’ve been better for us all just to leave it.

I do my best to remain extra civil during the exchange, as I do not wish to make things somehow worse than being threatened with legal action.

At the top of the left side, Nova has sent another message directly following her last one, asking for further clarification on the situation that’s taking place.

I provide a watered down and brief summary of what had happened to that point. I also state that the only reason anyone from the gc even knew about Madds’ new blog was due to the fact that she had literally mentioned Kiri by name. That Madds’ name was only brought up when Madds herself had done something directly affecting any of us, and that was also the only time Kiri had contacted her, was also brought up.

Nova asks how word got around that Madds remade and I clarify again that it was due to the fact that she had mentioned Kiri by name and everyone who knew put 2 and 2 together.

Nova presses again to know if we’re still worried about her, and I answer by saying that we are just worried about whether she may hurt herself, but no one has checked on her blog recently due to the fact that we don’t want our concern to be taken as “stalking”.

Nova accepts my explanation and then claims that Madds is alright and is “pretty much completely moved on now”, which is exactly the impression we all got from being threatened with legal action (this is sarcasm).

Not wanting to stir any issues between Nova and myself, as the conversation was actually going in a very civil manner, I say that I am glad that Madds is alright after her previous posts.

Nova thanks me for answering the questions and I assume that we are done with That.

However, on the 21st I received the first message on the right side of the screen shot from Nova.

Sunny has stated that she got the same message from Nova. She tried to calmly explain herself and Nova replied by telling her she doesn’t have the right to feel upset, in spite of Sunny’s urging that she didn’t do anything.

Nova notifies me that Madds has followed through with her threat of legal action in the form of contacting an attorney, and has named a handful of us from the group chat that she has accused of stalking and harassing her. She then tells me to pass along the message, which I do.

I write back, asking Nova to tell Madds that none of us have done the things she is accusing us of, and now attempting to prosecute us for, and that I am planning to make a post with every single screen shot of proof we are in possession of proving that she has lied and fabricated every single part of her story she has spread around about us as a response to this anon I am answering right now. I then pass along the promise from the gc that we all plan to fully cooperate if Madds gets an attorney, as we have done nothing wrong. This promise still stands.

Nova starts out by demanding to know how I knew her name, to which I respond that Kiri had told me who she was when I passed her warning of legal action along. I then begin questioning Nova as to what exactly Madds wants from all of this, as it has been literally months, and not only has she not let it go, but she has progressively made the situation worse for every single person involved, and has even dragged people who were never initially involved into it.

To my question, Nova claims that all Madds wanted was “to be left alone”. Nova then states that she remade with the intent of none of us ever finding her again, despite Madds mentioning Kiri by name, and then carries on to imply that it was somehow unthinkable that myself, Kiri, and the rest of the gc had access to Madds’ public blog that well over half of us were never blocked from. Additionally, Nova brings up the fact that Kiri had vented to Sunny about the fact that Madds was still not letting things go between them and was talking shit about all of us without any provocation whatsoever on any of our behalves. Nova also claims that “none of this would have happened if Kiri had just left her blog alone and stopped dragging (people?) into it” despite the fact that Kiri, nor any of us were actively “stalking” Madds’ blog, and we were all trying to stay away from her. Once again: Madds was the one dragging people into this. Nova again reiterates her claim that Madds “just wanted to be left alone and requests for all of us to “let it be over”, which is something we were all very much trying to do before shit hit the fan.

I make it clear that “Izzy blocked Madds as soon as he found out it was her in order to prevent any contact with her. Alex hasn’t been in the gc in forever. Kayden’s only association with this is that he is in the group chat. Kiri only found out about Madds’ new blog due to the fact that Madds kept on vagueing about her” (and blocked her immediately) and that due to the fact that we are all in the same fandom, it’s not as far fetched at all as Nova, and apparently Madds, are claiming it to be that Madds public blog was found out by us when people notified us of the slander going on.

Nova only says “She’s gone you don’t have to worry about it” in response to my message.

I bring up the fact that Madds is the only one still hung up over everything, and point out that we never talk about her unless she has done something to slander us recently, as we have no reason to. Again, I make it clear that we never did any of the things Madds claims we did and that she has painted herself as the victim in what, in reality, was a victimless disagreement. Lastly, I express exasperation with the situation, stating I don’t know what else Nova wants me to say here.

Nova responds by repeating that Madds is gone, which sounds like she is suggesting she is now dead in order to make us feel guilty. Thanks! Shame on you.

From this point until otherwise noted, it is a collection of accounts from Sunny as well as texts between Kiri and Alex to further back everything up.

Here is Kiri messaging Alex to confirm that Alex has only talked to Madds once, when they had messaged her after the initial disagreement and Madds was receiving anons telling her to kill herself among other things.

This is a quote from a conversation between Sunny and Madds after Sunny found out that Madds had posted threatening to call the cops on us. Screenshots might be able to be retrieved, but the original conversation between the two has been deleted since it took place.

Sunny: whatever you do, I am begging you to leave Izzy out of this. Please think about what the consequences could be about calling the cops on a mentally ill trans black man. Please.

Madds: I don’t care. If he wasn’t involved he should have nothing to worry about. Maybe he should have thought about that.

Here is a screenshot of texts between Kiri and Sunny discussing that Madds had then told the same thing to Sunny that she had said about Izzy:

Sunny has also provided the following statements:

“She (Madds) would often message me to ask how I feel about this stuff and said “don’t you know they hate me for things I didn’t do” and then mock me when I said I was not understanding.”

“(Madds) Suicide baited me when she knows that’ll work to scare me because of my PTSD.” This is in reference to the fact that Sunny’s childhood best friend killed herself and Sunny had confided this information to Madds when they were on friendly terms.

“She sends me this shit whenever I unblock her to tell her to stop posting about y’all, then threatens to delete and/or hurt/kill herself when I don’t feel sorry for her:

“

Sunny has also stated that she received this same exact anon that I am answering right now! That is so interesting and not at all suspicious or questionable!

Now if I can please ask you to recall the anons with the x signing the end of their messages.

This is a screenshot provided by Kiri (Kirious) of an anon an unrelated blog had received while she and Madds were still friends, before the conflict had started.

In this screenshot of the conversation in the group chat, you can see a photo sent by Kiri of that anon, calling blingblingis a “known bully and liar” as well as “literal trash”. The anon then tells the blog to turn off anon if Kiri sends her “minions”, presumably meaning the rest of us in the gc, after them. The message is signed with an “x”. We suspect that this was Madds sending that anon to that blog due to the fact that it is signed with an x just like the ones Madds had gotten.

Also just like the one that Madds’ friend, Nova had received:

(Screen shot taken by me after Nova messaged me yesterday and before Kiri told me who she was. I had visited Nova’s blog trying to figure out who the hell I was talking to)

The common use of the word “minions” is also a very interesting coincidence. Make of those what you will, but it’s clear that it’s likely either Madds herself or someone “doing her bidding for her”. They have censored Kiri’s name out.

Several of the anons that Madds was receiving longer ago, before this mess, that caused Izzy to initially reach out to Madds at the start of their friendship were also tagged with x’s.

Lastly, but still related, here is a screenshot of the group chat when Kiri got anons mentioning her home life, something that she only discussed in the group chat, and therefore, was only known to members of the group. This also took place before November 21st. These anons were sent to Kiri after the unrelated blog got the anon signed with an “x”.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that having to provide a ton of screenshots to clear our names after all this damage Madds did was unforeseen, screenshots of the actual anons do not exist.

If you’ve made it to the very end of this very lengthy post, I want to thank you for the time you took to read it.

Let it be known that this post was made as an attempt to finally put a stop to Maddison doing the exact thing she accused us of doing so persistently: stalking, harassing, threatening, lying, backstabbing, sending violently malicious anons, and bullying people into remaking their blogs.

We do not wish for ANYONE to go after those who have ties to Madds, nor those who got dragged into this or provided us with helpful information, and that is why we have omitted so many names. If those people wish to come forward with their identity, that is up to them and only them.

So, no anon. We did not get what we wanted. Thank you for asking, though. We just want this to stop, it’s been long overdue.

#Anonymous

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

Text

Survey #238

“crimson calligraphy written on the trees, creature from the grave, headless and hellbent for me.”

Have you ever played golf? Like, mini-golf. Is there a lake near your house? No, but there's two small ponds down the road. Have you ever made your own pizza or pasta dough? No. Have you ever watched an entire season of a tv show in one day? Uhhhhh how long are the first few seasons of Supernatural? Because Jason and I fucking binged it, and I honestly think that's partially the reason I don't even enjoy TV anymore. Like I liked the show, but jfc it became torture at some point. Not his fault at all, I just never pointed it out. BUT ANYWAY, it's definitely possible we did. What did you have for dinner tonight (or last night)? A ham and cheese hot pocket. Do your parents do things that ‘embarrass’ you? This is so mean, but my mom makes the cringiest jokes and such imo that gives me mad secondhand embarrassment. Do you like any Bon Jovi songs? Yeah, a decent handful. Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. Do you give people second chances? Ha, more than "second." How’re things between you and your most recent ex? We're totally great. Really as if we didn't even break up, considering I mean... nothing emotionally has changed. We just know that being together right now isn't the wise decision. It's frustrating as hell, though. We've already established we're not going to "wait" for each other, but neither of us are actively looking for a new partner, either. I want her, and from what I can tell, she wants me, too. We kinda just... don't talk about how unfair it all is anymore because we both get too upset. I was even supposed to go up there with her and her fam for her birthday and Christmas, but that's changed because she and I agree it's too soon after splitting, making it only more difficult to be around each other. We'd want to cuddle and kiss and such by instinct, so we're trying to wait until the wound isn't as fresh. Though honestly, I don't know how visiting period would go consider as said, there has been zero change in romantic attraction. Ugh yeah I just hope she figures out what she wants and all and we can get back together. Have you been to a wedding this year? No. I'm going to my half-sister's next year, though. Are you an aunt or uncle? Yes, and another niece is on her way. :') Do you expect to be married in the next two years? Probably not. What season is your birthday in? Winter. Have you ever been hunting? Fuck that shit. How often do you walk around barefoot? Always in my own house + in other houses if I'm allowed to take my shoes off. When you eat take-out, do you just eat it out of the containers provided? Usually, but it does depend on what food it is. Ex., those little boxes that have rice in them from Chinese places? I'm using a bowl. From the container is just messy. Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them? Nah. Do you carry condoms? No. Would you date someone who has a hearing aid? ... Yes...? "No" is just... so rude?? Like that is something the person absolutely cannot help, nor is it a HUGE thing. It's just a hearing aid, dude. How organized are the files on your computer? Pretty decent. Folders and such. Could be better still, probably. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nah, not my scene. Have you ever brought home a stray animal? Pleeeeenty of cats. Are you physically strong? No, especially not my legs. I've got a newborn fawn's legs, jc. Still working on building the muscle back up. Would you date someone with braces? Oh my god, fuck off. Yes I would. I was the person with braces dating someone without them, so 1.) I obviously can't say shit, 2.) they're taking care of their goddamn teeth, and 3.) I dunno, wearing braces has no goddamn impact on personality???????????? Does scuba diving interest you? Not to an incredible degree, but it'd be cool. Would you ever ask your parents for relationship advice? Maybe for certain topics. Do you think people look up to you? Y'know that "oh no hunty WHAT is u doin" meme??? That's me if someone does. How often do you have trouble sleeping at night? *blinking* There are people who don't??????? Do you blush easily? Ohhhhhh yes. Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often? Hm. Not sure. Can you name five current world leaders? AHAHA nope. How many times have you had the flu? Zero. Do you think imagination is valuable? Oh hell yes. We would be NOWHERE CLOSE to where we are as animals without it. Who or what are you most impatient with? I don't know. When was the last time you mowed a lawn? Never. Have you seen all of the Star Wars films? No; seen only the first three with a friend and saw zero appeal. He didn't either. How about all of the Harry Potter ones, so far? I haven't even seen one. Jason and I started the first one together but. Paid way more attention to each other than the movie lmfao. What part of the newspaper do you typically enjoy reading? None. I collect my school's papers now though 'cuz I'm the photographer for it. :') Have you ever made a website, even a simple one? Four that I remember. The ancient and now-defunct ones were back when I think this site called Wetpaint was a host for simple sites, and a lot of us RPers posted our mob info and stuff there. I had one for Talons, one for Connrads. Ha, out of curiosity, I think I looked for them not all too long ago since I never actually deleted them, but I think the site itself was re-purposed. NOW, I have a Wix site for my photography, and then Kalahari Manor is a ProBoards-hosted site. Which was better: your childhood or your teen years? Jfc, childhood. Teen years were a chaotic and rancid cesspit in terms of mental health. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? I truly imagine that realizing I was *in love* with Jason surpassed what a high probably feels like lmao. What does it take for someone to win your heart? I'm actually putting thought into this one and I think what appeals to me in a person most is just being friendly with a good sense of humor and obvious, shameless concern for others. AND JFC, HAVE EMOTION. Don't be a brick wall with me. Lacking an emotional side, positive or negative, is such a turn-off to me. I'm not attracted to robots. Being a gentle person is important, and for me personally, you need to actually act like you're into me. Not just between us. Do not make me a secret. AND BE CREATIVE AND WEIRD AND FRESH!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing wrong with more "vanilla" people, but just for me myself, I need someone who stands out for some good reason. lol okay this answer's actually getting kinda long, I'll stop. There's a number of ways. What is one thing you would rather be doing? Ha ha yo real talk, Sara and I are getting all emotional and deep into our relationship, platonic or romantic, and I want me and her in her bed right now tearing each other up alsdkjfla;kwejre I love her a lot ok. When was the last time you changed your mind about something? OKAY SO I started a new birth control, right? It. Sent. Me. BACK. With my PTSD. How? Idfk, but I was suddenly obsessing over Him again, badly. I stopped that shit, and wha'd'ya know, two days later, I'm like "lol wtf I don't want him why did that just happen hunty was u ok????????". SO YEAH, that was a trip. Do you know anyone with a lisp? I'm not sure. Possibly. How much weight can you lift at once? No clue. Not a lot. Do you ask guys out, or wait for them to ask you out? I've never asked a guy out, but I wouldn't say I wouldn't. Do you like the last person who showed interest in you? I love her. Describe the last person you stared at? I have no idea. Do you like dating one person at a time, or multiple people? I'm personally monogamous. Have your experiences made you more or less sympathetic to others? MORE. Do you find smoking unattractive? I do. Have your parents ever searched your personal belongings? Mom has. Where did you get your last bruise from? ... Well. This is uh. Awkward. Tying into when I was on that medicine that made my libido fucking uncontrollable (thank the fucking lord I'm back to normal), my breasts are lookin rough, sister. Are you looking forward to anything? Nothing in the VERY near future, I think. A bit further off, Christmas. I can't wait to see the kids so excited again, and for once, we come together as a true family. Plus my #1 wish is to have my Mark tattoo improved at an amazing parlor, and I'm pretty sure that'll be happening, just obvs. not on Christmas Day itself. I'll just be fuckin STOKED when I *know* it's happening. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. How much money did you spend today? $1.25 for something from the vending machine. I didn't have breakfast, so I was really hungry. When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do? Try to not doze off. If we're not doing anything, then I'll play around with my phone. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for more than a day? Oh, definitely. Ever walked into the guy’s bathroom? HA as a stupid elementary school with her friends, we sure did during a work day (my mom used to work with special ed kids at school). We thought we were soooo rebellious. How many wives or husbands do you want? One. What happens if you fall in love with your best friend? Ha, did. I still am, and we hope to be back together someday. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not that I know of. Thankfully. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? It's not my thing, but sure, if it's consenting and both are aware it's platonic. Do your wishes ever get granted in the worst way possible? Probably in some way at some point I don't recall. How do you feel about your naked body? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO Have you ever been called obnoxious? I don't think so, anyway. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. Can you do a split or stick your foot up next to your ear? Nope. When was the last time you complained about something? I was venting some mild frustration to Sara earlier tonight. What is your favorite color combination? Favorite is probably pastel orange and light blue. Love it. Then there's pastel pink and purple. Okay pretty much any combination is about the pastels When was the last time you spoke in front of a group? A month or so back when I had to do my Lifeline presentation in FYS. Do you like group projects, or do you prefer to work alone? I strongly prefer working alone. There's no disagreements, compromises, incompetent partners, etc. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? Yup! (: Indirectly, but. How did you respond? I don't recall, but I wish I did. Who is the most argumentative person you know? She's not in my life anymore partially BECAUSE of that shit. Do you know anyone who is crazy about proper grammar? Yes, but she has OCD as a valid reason. I'm pretty particular about it too to a degree. Who was the last person to make you feel special? Oh my gosh, my therapist told me she was so proud of me and the progress I was making that I just entirely lit up and became a total beaming ball of giggles and "thank you"s. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? No, I'm bi. If your best friend grabs your hand, what do you automatically do? Squeeze it. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Cheesy and spicy scrambled eggs, man. Also known as the only thing I can properly cook lmao. Do you tend to flirt a lot, even when the person isn’t single? Fuck no, if they're not single. I'll flirt with my s/o when I see it appropriate or relevant, and in a case where we're both single, I'd be very subtle about it because shy. What’s something that you think is really cute? Off the very top of my head, the Ewoks from Star Wars, oh my fucking god. They were the only thing I enjoyed in the movies. What’s a pretty bird? I mean... pretty much all of them. BUT, can we take a moment to appreciate the bearded vulture? like???? they're fucking BADASS???????????? Besides sleeping, what do you do in bed? Almost... everything. It's the reason I endured/am still recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs. Have you ever hacked into somebody’s account? Playfully, back when that was a thing for friends to do and post lovey-dovey stuff about them everywhere. Megan and I, and I believe Mini and I as well, did it to each other. Possibly more. Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? Oh hell yes it is. The former can get to a point of hurting. Have you ever touched a Qu'ran? No. Do you love animals more than most? Oh definitely. Why do you eat fast food? It's easy to grab when on the run, and Mom has almost zero time to cook. Then we both have school. Most often I just warm things up in the microwave or grab something substantial enough in the fridge. Is there always going to be that one person you and a friend makes fun of? I guess you could say indirectly, yes. Just something she said in a certain way became an inside joke. Her as a person, no, I wouldn't do that. What is a bad habit of yours that you’re actually trying to fix? Having terrible eye contact. I have a very hard time maintaining it, but I've been trying to keep that weakness in mind when talking to people. Do you write out your feelings? That's one reason why I take these surveys, yes. Do you have bills to pay yet? It's embarrassing that I don't. Not saying like, I want to pay bills, what madman would, but I do want to feel more like a proper, independent adult. Will you be changing your hair any time soon? Not the style, but one thing I'm asking for Christmas is a professional to dye my hair silver. I say pro because my hair does NOT hold color, and because of the bleach needed, Mom's concerned I'll damage my hair if I put my trust into anyone less qualified. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? I don't think so, but she looks UNCANNILY like her firstborn daughter. It is SCARY. Is there something you wish you could learn to do? There's loads of stuff. Probably above all, cook. Or stop procrastinating. If you could be amazing at ONE thing, what would it be? Drawing precisely what I see in my head. Because of how important they are to me, I would pay BIG FUCKING BUCKS to get how my 'kats look onto paper. What do you wish people would pay you to do? Complain about my weight. :^) I'd be able to just pay for surgery to fix that within a day. Do you take good pictures? I personally think I do. I mean I wanna be a professional photographer. How would one go about impressing you? It depends on the subject and difficulty of whatever. What probably impresses me most would be someone maintaining a mature, peaceful attitude when there is reason to act otherwise. Self-control, that's it. Do you automatically apologize if you walk into somebody? Duh? Tell me a memory of this summer: It was fucking scorching and I hated every minute of it. What’s something that you don’t need, but really want? Hmmmm. OH, HELL YES. IF I had the proper body to even remotely pull them off, I. Would wear. NOTHING. But corsets. Jesus FUCKING Christ they are so hot. What do you draw more than anything else? Just about all I draw is meerkats. What’s the most favorite class you’ve ever had? The Digital Photography course I took in high school. Or Art Honors my junior year. I really enjoyed the stuff I made. For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word: Jason: melancholy; Tyler: dramatic; Girt(?): loyal; Sara: ideal. How do you react when you trip or stumble? Gasp and carry on. If it was a more serious trip, I look around at who saw. Are you good at “biting your tongue”? NO. Why do you love the one you do? She's been there for me without fail, has undying faith in me, supports me through everything, is honest, she's funny and very unique, her adoration for animals shows a great level of compassion, she trusts me so much despite her history, she stands extremely firmly for what she sees as right and wrong... okay I can honestly write an essay on why I love her. Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing? GIMME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THE TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111 Do you have long or short legs? I'd say they're normal, idk. When do you listen to Nickelback? *shrugs* When I wanna? Would you rather make the first move, or your crush? Them. I'm shy.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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raibebe · 5 years ago

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I've read all your work and im such a fan of how you write. Me as a writer ( a crappy one though lol) would like to ask for advice when writing, like how do you make such good writings and manage to never drift away from the topic and the flow goes so well ugh, i dont even know how to explain. Just want to advice and maybe some help haha, i have writers block and cant seem to like anything i write and everytime i try to write something, i drift away from the topic and end up deleting it.

Well first of all, thank you for all your kind words 🖤

I don’t really know how to start and this is probably going to be a lot of rambling, so bear with me for this one.

So I also tend to drift off topic a lot when I write actually, that’s why my works always end up way longer than I intend them too. And most times it’s not bad if you get off topic. Some stories just have their own way and sometimes you just need to go with the flow of writing even if it takes a different turn than you intended it. In the end it might not be what you originally wanted but it might be a beautiful work nonetheless.

Writing with prompts has really helped me personally though. Shorter stories in general really help with that where you circle around a small topic. When writing multiple chapter fics it’s harder and I really can’t give any advice on that because I myself have never completed any multi chaptered fic I have ever started and I have been a writer in so many different fandoms and have never managed to do that. Or any completely original stuff for that matter.

Writers block can be difficult and sometimes you just have to wait until a great idea just pops into your head, so your motivation and stuff will just be back. With writing prompts that people are waiting for I’m sorry if anyone reading this has ever requested anything from me, I’m taking forever you sometimes just have to force through it.

I just try to come up with a concept first. Just rough outlines on what I want to happen (that’s a lot easier with prompts because they already give you a very very rough outline). When I got the “storyline” down (with my prompts is mostly just key words like a flow chart maybe and when what sentence is going to be said, not more than one or two lines) I just start writing. In the first paragraph I like to have sort of an introduction into the scenery and the general circumstances.

If I’ve got the mood down, it helps me if I listen to songs that fit the mood. I have several playlists especially for Monsta X for that matter. Also it helps me that the songs are neither English nor my native language so I have a sort of mood setting background noise that’s not interfering with my thoughts. I remember for my first Halloween work I listened to Who by Seventeen’s performance team on repeat for hours (I can’t listen to it anymore) because it just portrayed the mood really well and brought me in the right mind-set.

Well from there I personally write in pieces a lot (I don’t know if this is good advice though, it’s just how I personally work, I’m afraid you ultimately have to find out what works for you). What that means is if I get stuck in a certain part, I just leave a bit of space, write keywords on how the scene progresses to the next one and write the next part that I have ideas for. The Halloween work that’s gonna be online later tonight I think was like that as well. It was written in three parts that I only connected when I already had the ending completely written. And I think I also got the ending scene done first, then the middle part and then the beginning. This personally also helps me to make everything as logical as I can. Because when I know what the character is doing at the end, I know how to make him act in the middle part, if that makes sense.

What I also try to do is paying attention to details. Like never forget what your characters are doing. For example if they were lying down, they can’t just walk somewhere without getting up first. For me it’s the little things like that that mater and personally drive me crazy if someone (myself or other writers) get that wrong. Like saying that the reader wore tight jeans and in the next scene they get their skirt hiked up.

Talking about the reader, I like to keep them as vague as possible so many people can relate to them. (Also I personally don’t like using stuff like Y/N because my brain is too stupid to insert my name and I just read what is written which is just weird, I just use pet names when I feel it’s necessary)

Also you mentioned that you delete lots of things you write: Don’t do that! I feel like leaving a work alone for a while and coming back to it a little later to work on it again sometimes works wonder. And even if it can’t be fixed you can always look back and maybe learn from it. I still have the stuff I wrote in school and sometimes like to embarrass myself while looking at them. If you follow me for a little while, you might know that I’ve said that I wrote a Minhyuk prompt that I didn’t feel comfortable posting, I still have that and I am still working on it and it’s probably been like 2 months and I still don’t like it for variable reasons but it’s getting better, so just hang in there.

And lastly, having friends to talk to about your work or a beta reader really helps. I got lucky and @kihyunsbabe was kind enough to read through my stuff for the past fics.

And sometimes there are just days where nothing seems to work. Don’t stress yourself. Just relax and watch Monsta X Ray for the nth time or some crack compilations.

Wow, this is way longer than I thought it would be... Who saw that coming with me? But I hope I could help you at least a little bit and give some insight as to how I personally write. Again, it’s just how I work, it works for me. It might not work for you, you just have to find out through trial and error. 🖤

If there’s anything you’d like more advice on, don’t hesitate to ask.

#ask #mxwritings #advice #I hope this helps you

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writerunsolved · 6 years ago

Text

The Drunken Mistake - Ch. 3

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Category: F/M

Fandom: Real Person Fiction

Relationship: Tom Hiddleston/Reader

Genres: Fluff and Humor

Language: English

Chapters: 3/?

Summary: You're a young up-and-coming singer based in London who has just released her first album.

After a wild night at the VMAs and some heavy partying and drinking at the afterparty, you write and publish a drunken tweet about a certain celebrity and one of their friends. You only realise what you've done the next day when a slew of texts and calls wakes you up to a dreadful but expected hangover. You immediately delete the tweet, but you're left to deal with the consequences. A public apology would probably be enough to make everything go away if you hadn't been invited to a movie premiere where said celebrity is most certainly going to be.

You decide that the best course of action will be to try and avoid them, but your plans almost never go the way you want them to.

Author’s Note: I seem to have no control over how much I write anymore (or did I ever?). Also, I’m really sorry for the delay, it has been a very busy month.

Ch. 1 - Ch. 2

Chapter Three - Is It Denial If You Really Believe It?

You turned towards him with your entire body, but not before trying to regain your composure and attempting to smile once again. You managed to appear almost natural, if somewhat strained.

Tom seemed momentarily taken aback, but his dazzling smile didn’t falter.

“H-hey!” you tried again “How do you do?” You wanted to slap yourself. What was this, a work meeting?

Well, you guessed it could almost be considered one in some kind of way. You had certainly been invited because of your work with music, but Tom was definitely not your boss, and that level of politeness might be a little too much even for him.

You could see Nina behind him. The traitor was actually looking back at you and completely ignoring the cry for help you were giving her through a pointed look, and smiling mischievously at your predicament. Oh, this would not be forgiven.

You internally made peace with your destiny - all of this took just a few seconds - and when Tom spoke again he didn’t seem to have noticed the quick exchange between you and her.

“It’s very nice to meet you,” he said, offering his hand and continuing “I’m Tom.”

You shook his hand and before you could stop yourself you just blurted “Yeah, I know!” then corrected yourself “I-I mean, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m-”

“The famous singer I’ve been hearing about.” you could swear that was a smirk on his face.

In your head, you thanked him for ignoring your initial blunder. Your hands separated, and just when you were about to reiterate your written apology in person, he spoke again.

“I wanted to thank you for the card,” he started “and the wine. You really shouldn’t have, but I certainly appreciated the Fiorano Rosso Ludovisi.”

“I’m really happy to hear that. My manager Nina helped me choose the wine.” You braced yourself and gathered some courage before continuing “And I definitely think I should have.”

He shook his head slightly, you were sure he was going to brush off your apology, but you needed to say it so you preceded him “I’m really sorry. What I wrote was so distasteful, and no amount of wine or apology cards can show how mortified I am.

He smiled kindly and brushed your arm with a gentle touch “It’s not as severe as you’re making it out to be, I assure you.” his intent gaze pinned you to the spot and made you feel like you couldn’t miss one second of what was going on in his eyes, although you weren’t sure exactly what you were seeing in them. “I have seen much worse said about me online, trust me.” he chuckled and the serious moment was broken.

You giggled with him and were just about to reply when a boisterous voice made you both turn.

“If it isn’t the songbird who likes tweeting drunk.” Behind Tom was Chris Hemsworth, accompanied by his gorgeous wife. She rolled her eyes at his husband’s pun but smiled lovingly.

They joined you in a couple of steps, they had just finished with the long line of journalists too. When they reached you, Tom greeted Chris with a brief hug and kissed his wife on both her cheeks, then, as the one who knew them, he started on the introductions.

“This is Elsa and this is Chris.” You shook both their hands while he continued. “Elsa, Chris, this is-”

“The woman who wants to have a threesome with you and me.” Chris finished for him, a smug grin on his face and looking first to Tom and then to you. You turned a deep shade of red and lowered your eyes briefly. Your glance skipped over Tom’s face before looking back at Chris and you were almost sure he was blushing too, albeit some several shades of red lighter than you. You realised Chris was definitely going to tease you about this and you guessed you kinda deserved it, so you resignedly accepted your fate and smiled back. Elsa slapped him weakly on the arm and shushed him jokingly with an “Oh, be nice now.”

“What? I usually get asked for dinner before any sexual advances.” even though Chris’s teasing made you flush with embarrassment once more, his jokes made the whole situation a bit easier to deal with.

You covered your face with your hand, then with an over-dramatic sigh, you retorted “Ah! Of course! I knew I was forgetting something!”

Elsa laughed loudly and unexpectedly, and you smiled brightly at her. Chris followed her suit.

Probably feeling like he should be the one rescuing you, Tom tried to spin the conversation and told Chris “I’m sure the wine was worth the trouble.” You sent him a grateful look and he reciprocated with a small smile.

“The wine was so amazing!” Elsa replied in Chris’ place “If I got that everytime someone tweeted sexual advances at Chris, I’d start tweeting them myself!”

An unflattering snort unwittingly left your mouth, Elsa seemed delighted at your reaction. Chris squeezed an affectionate hand on her waist with a look of utter and adoring devotion in his eyes. You felt slightly out of place at the intimacy of the gesture and when you averted your eyes and looked at Tom you had the sense he was thinking the same, although you could tell by the tiny smile on his lips that he took extreme joy in seeing them so happy.

It pained you to break the moment, but you didn’t want the silence to get awkward so you changed the topic, “As I was telling Tom before, I want to take this chance to apologise in person. I’m really sorry for my behaviour, I didn’t mean any disrespect but that doesn’t change what I wrote.”

“Oh, wow! You make it sound so bad,” Chris laughed “It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“I agree,” Elsa added “It’s alright, we didn’t think too much of it. We were actually shocked by the card and the gift.” She looked at Chris, seeking agreement, then back to you “You were incredibly polite, but there was no need,” she reassured you some more.

“I really felt like that was the right thing to do.” You didn’t know what else to say, when an idea struck you, “Actually, I would love it if you’d let me take you all to dinner!”

“Really, that’s too much,” Tom replied with a warm smile directed straight at you. Chris was looking at him with what seemed like a concentrated and knowing expression, but you couldn’t be sure. Tom was about to say more but before he could continue, Chris interrupted him.

“That is a brilliant idea!” he nodded fervently. Elsa looked at him confusedly but didn’t say anything, so he continued “However, Elsa and I are actually going back to Australia in a couple of days.”

You were about to suggest trying to schedule something for a later date, but Chris looked pointedly at Tom and spoke again “You should go on without us. It’s a great idea, there’s no need to miss this opportunity.”

Confusion had cleared up from Elsa’s face, understanding surfacing in its place, and she echoed Chris’ statement “Yes, I agree. You guys should just go ahead, and we can meet again some other time when our calendars align.”

You were somewhat bemused by their insistence, but you didn’t mind either. So you left it to Tom to make a decision and looked at him expectantly.

Tom was, in turn, looking at Chris with narrowed eyes. They seemed to be having some sort of animated discussion just through their gazes, but you had no idea what was passing between them. Finally, Tom noticed all eyes were on him and he looked away from Chris, to Elsa, and finally to you.

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” he spoke.

“But she would love to!” Chris jumped in, accentuating the word ‘love’ heavily, “Don’t be rude!” he insisted. They looked at each other again, Tom seemed suspicious, but you didn’t know what of exactly.

Ultimately, Tom looked to you again and said, beaming shyly, “Alright, then. I’d like that very much.”

“Great!” you exclaimed with a huge grin “Then I’ll let my manager know to put us in contact if that’s alright with you.”

“Absolutely,” he replied, smiling more surely now “I’ll do the same.”

You wanted to prolong the conversation but at that moment Nina approached the four of you and spoke, “Sorry to interrupt. It’s a pleasure to see you all, but I’m afraid the screening is about to start and I’ve come to collect my lovely client.” She then put one hand on your shoulder and told you “Linda and Nadia are waiting for us inside.”

You nodded. She went ahead of you with a small wave to the others, so you said your goodbyes, “It’s been so lovely to meet you all! I really hope we can meet again soon.”

“l guess we’ll see you later at the afterparty,” Tom replied.

“Yes, for sure.” Chris agreed.

“It’s been a pleasure, sweetie,” Elsa said, before kissing you on both cheeks.

Chris and Tom did the same. You started walking towards Nina who was waiting for you a few steps ahead. You turned back for a small wave, but only Tom was looking back at you, Chris and Elsa already engaged in conversation. He smiled sweetly at you again and reciprocated the wave. You blushed, a warm sensation wedging itself deep in your chest, and turned around to finally walk towards the entrance to the theatre.

When you reached Nina, she looked at you with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, “Trying to fulfil our fantasies, are we?”

You rolled your eyes at her and laughed. “Ugh, shut up.” you retorted without any bite.

She laughed and asked, “So? What did you guys talk about?”

“Nothing much, really,” you answered, “I just apologised again and invited them out to dinner. Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice you completely ignoring me back there!”

You kept walking ahead but stopped when you noticed Nina had halted, so you looked back to her.

“Hold on, back up a little.” she widened her eyes “You what?”

You suddenly felt very self-conscious and nervously started wringing your hands, lowering your eyes. “I just thought it would be a good idea to make sure they know I really meant my apology.”

Nina noticed your discomfort and hurried to reach you, placing a gentle hand on your back, “Oh no, sweetie, I think it was a great idea!” she reassured you, “I was just surprised is all. What did they say?”

Your stance eased a bit and you both started walking again, finally reaching the entrance and leaving the chilly air behind.

“Unfortunately, Chris and Elsa won’t be in London long enough,” you replied, Nina’s face fell, then you casually finished, “But Tom said yes.”

“Wait, what?!” Nina almost screamed in excitement. You shushed her, nervously looking around to see if anyone had heard, but luckily nobody was paying the two of you any attention. You kept walking and finally entered the screening room, resuming the conversation.

“Nina, oh my God! What?” you asked her.

“How are you so calm about this?” she insisted “Just last week you were freaking out about even the idea of being in the same place as Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth, and now you basically have a date planned-”

“No way!” you interrupted her “This is not a date. What are you even talking about?”

“Sweetie,” she had the tone of someone explaining a really simple concept to a toddler, “you’ve literally agreed to go out to dinner with a man you find attractive. That is the very definition of a date.”

You scoffed “No, it’s not.” She wanted to protest but you pressed on determinedly “No, really, it isn’t. This is the complete opposite of that. This is me apologising for sexualising him. It couldn’t be farther from the concept of a date.”

“Sure, sweetie, you keep thinking that.”

You wanted to respond, but you could see Nadia, Linda, and Paul - Linda’s boyfriend - waiting for you at the foot of the small staircase leading up to your seats, so you decided to drop it for the moment.

However, Nina was of a completely different idea.

“Ah! There you guys are!” Nadia greeted you.

“Hey, sorry guys, I got held back for a little bit.” you apologised, then added, “Hi Paul, it’s good to see you again.”

He nodded in greeting, but before anybody else had a chance to speak Nina reopened: “Oh yeah, she got held back talking to Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth.”

Nadia and Linda’s heads immediately whipped towards you, you felt sympathetic pain in your neck for how fast they’d moved. When nobody said anything for a few seconds, you realised they were waiting for you to explain. So you tried, “I- I mean- They just…” you hesitated, “What?!” you finally gave up.

“What?!” Linda mimicked you, “What did they say? What did you talk about? Was it as terrible as you were expecting it to be?”

Nadia just nodded in agreement, while Paul seemed really confused by what was going on. Poor guy was missing half the conversation. You were just about to stutter a reply when Nina took over again.

“She’s going on a date with Tom Hiddleston is what they talked about!” she seemed incredibly self-satisfied.

“That is just not true!” you protested. You could see that all Nadia wanted to do was bombard you with questions, and even Linda, for all her usual aloofness, seemed to be dying of curiosity. “We are not going on a date. Tom just came over to say thanks for the card, I apologised again and then Chris and his wife Elsa were also there so I invited them out for dinner to make sure they knew I was sincere.”

Nadia turned to Nina and told her, matter-of-fact “She’s right, that’s not a date.”

“Believe me, it is.” Nina insisted, “She’s completely forgetting to mention the part where Chris and Elsa said no, so she’s going to dinner with Tom Hiddleston...” she paused for effect “...on a date .”

“So it is a date, then!” this time Linda was the one to speak, “You’re going out for dinner with a man you find attractive. That is the very definition of a date.”

“I…” you were at loss for words. You started doubting yourself: was that really how you had come off? Was that the reason Tom had hesitated so much? All of a sudden, you weren’t feeling so confident anymore. What if he’d just felt obligated to say yes? That wasn’t what you wanted at all.

While you internally examined the situation, Nina explained the circumstances to Paul with the help of Nadia and Linda who seemed to be excitedly speculating about what was going to happen. Finally, they noticed your silence and the dejected expression that had taken over your features. Nadia asked you “Hey, are you alright?”

You forced yourself to smile, trying not to bring down the morale, it was still an event after all. “Yeah, I’m okay.” you answered, “I just hope he didn’t feel like he had to say yes, that was not my intention.”

“I’m sure that’s not the case.” Linda tried to reassure you, then looked to Nina for confirmation, “Isn’t that right?”

“Definitely.” Nina declared, “I saw you guys talking, he didn’t come off as someone saying yes to something they don’t want to do at all.” She put a reassuring hand on your arm, “Trust me on this.”

You weren’t entirely sure, but couldn’t say anything else, because the lights finally dimmed and a voice announced from the overhead speakers “We kindly request the audience to find their seats for the beginning of the show.”

“We’ll see you later,” Linda said, and she and Paul started walking towards a row of seats slightly apart from the ones destined to Nina, Nadia, and you. You would usually sit all together, but seen as Linda had brought her boyfriend and the first few rows were booked for cast and crew strictly, you had to be separated this time.

You looked at them go and quickly scanned the room to try and locate your sister and her boyfriend and check if they had managed to find their spot. You’d scored a couple of tickets for them since your sister’s boyfriend was a huge superhero movies fan. Unfortunately, you couldn’t find them in the crowd, but you felt reassured knowing that your sister would also be at the afterparty. You hastily followed Nina and Nadia who’d gone ahead to the assigned seats. You managed to settle down just as the lights were switched off and a presenter started announcing some of the main actors coming onto the illuminated stage in front of the big screen so they could say a few words before the start of the movie. Neither Tom nor Chris were there. You tried to find them in the seated crowd, but it was too dark to be sure.

You made yourself comfortable and concentrated all your attention on the spectacle in front of you, attempting to put your worries aside.

The movie was a satisfying couple of hours of entertainment. You were sure you’d be hearing all about its faults and virtues from your sister’s boyfriend at the afterparty. You could usually keep up with the geeky conversation by the sparse knowledge on comic book culture you had acquired through pure exposure, but if he decided to get into details you might have to resort to the nodding-and-smiling listening technique.

You distractedly listened to Nina and Nadia discuss what you’d just seen while walking the row of seats to join Linda and Paul again and go with them to another side of the building where the afterparty would be taking place.

You managed to locate them among the sea of people making their way towards the exit. You pointed them out to Nina and Nadia and made your way to them. You still had no idea where your sister was, but she knew where to go so you weren’t too worried about her.

As soon as you reached the couple, Linda asked, “What did you guys think?”

“I think I liked it,” you replied.

Nadia agreed and then asked Linda the same, “Did you?”

Linda immediately launched into a detailed analysis of the movie. It wasn’t all that surprising, you hadn’t forgotten how dedicated she was to any type of knowledge, it was only normal she would know a lot about comics too.

You and Nina only half-listened, walking ahead of the others and heading for the afterparty. Nadia, on the other hand, seemed enthralled, while Paul looked like he’d already heard the whole of it in the two minutes it took you to find them.

It took you a while to get back to the entrance lobby and then to the hall where the party was taking place, as a good number of the people in the audience were also directed there. When you entered the room, you finally spotted your sister and her boyfriend standing a little ways from the open bar located along the wall opposite your group.

You briefly told Nina you were going to them and started walking, she informed the others - Nadia and Linda still animatedly discussing the movie - and then followed after you.

“Sister!” you greeted her as soon as you reached her, “Finally! Hi, Ben.” you added.

Ben kissed you briefly on both cheeks, greeting Nina next, and then you and your sister hugged.

“Wow! You look amazing, babe!” she told you, putting you at arm's length so she could take a better look at your outfit. “And you too, Nina,” she finished, smiling and releasing you to greet her.

When pleasantries had been exchanged you looked to your sister first and then to Ben and asked, “Did you enjoy the movie?”

Predictably, he was the one to answer, your sister rolling her eyes in a here-we-go-again manner, “Oh yeah, it was amazing but they completely changed the way Cap-”

“I am not listening to this again.” your sister stopped him, “I’m going to get something to drink, you guys want anything?”

“Gin and tonic for me, please,” Nina replied.

“I’ll have a glass of red wine. Thank you, babe,” Ben added.

“Alright. What about you, hon?” she asked you.

“I’ll help you carry them,” you answered, so you both made your way towards the line to the bar.

“How has the night been so far?” your sister asked you, “Met anyone interesting, yet?”

“I met you, didn’t I?” you joked, she gave you an amused look, then you continued, “Yeah, I got stopped by Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston earlier. Elsa, Chris’ wife, is gorgeous.”

“Oh, wow! How did that one go?” she paused, “What with the Twitter debacle and all...”

“Yeah, it definitely didn’t start out great,” you explained, “But they both seemed to appreciate the wine I sent, and Elsa was a total sweetheart.”

She hummed in agreement. You concluded, “Well, Tom doesn’t lack charm, either,” and smiled sheepishly.

She laughed, an incredulous but thrilled expression directed at you. “Listen to this now!” she elbowed you a little too hard and you moved away, accidentally bumping into someone’s back.

You turned around, ready to apologise, and the person you bumped into did the same. It was Tom. Again.

You wondered just for a moment if there could ever be an encounter with him where you wouldn’t have to apologise. Suddenly, an alarming thought crossed your mind: had he heard you?

“I’m really sorry!” you both spoke at the same time. He smiled and you tried again, “It was my fault, I apologise.”

He seemed just as surprised as you to meet again, so you supposed he hadn’t heard the conversation you were having with your sister. Inwardly, you thanked whatever deity had decided to help.

“Don’t worry about it” he answered, then eyed your sister behind you.

You looked at her, then back to Tom, and realised you were supposed to make the introductions this time. “Oh, sorry! This is my sister Amelia. Amelia this is Tom.”

“Yes, Hiddleston,” she added, you winced internally. “Nice to meet you.”

“It’s my pleasure,” he responded. They shook hands, and then he asked you both “Did you enjoy the movie?”

Amelia wasted no time to answer, “Very! Your performance was flawless.”

Your sister was the most skilful flatterer you knew. You almost failed to stop yourself from rolling your eyes at her antics. Not that you didn’t think Tom hadn’t been absolutely wonderful as Loki, but you were certain that she was purposefully laying it on pretty thick.

Tom seemed surprised but very pleased. “Why, thank you very much.”

“I agree, the movie was very enjoyable,” you interjected.

You weren’t sure what else to say, but you didn’t have to think about it too hard because Amelia spoke again, “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna go ahead and grab the drinks for the others. You two take your time.” She winked at you covertly - you prayed Tom hadn’t seen it - and concluded before walking away, “It was a pleasure to meet you, Tom. Enjoy the rest of the night.”

“Sorry about that,” you told him once you were alone, “My sister is very generous with compliments.” You immediately realised how that sounded and hastily tried to correct yourself, “Not that your acting wasn’t good! I just meant- I didn’t mean-!”

He chuckled at your panicked expression. “It’s quite alright, I think I get what you mean,” he tried to reassure you.

“I am so sorry,” you repeated once again, with a sigh, “I seem to be putting my foot in my mouth a lot tonight.”

“I don't mind. I find it very charming.” Was he flirting? You didn’t have time to ponder, because he continued, “I really liked your song, by the way. I think it was the perfect choice for the movie, and you have an amazing voice.”

You blushed but grinned. “Thank you, that is very kind.”

“I truly think that,” he smiled back.

“Well, nonetheless, it’s still very sweet of you,” you repeated, “I’m really glad I could be part of such a huge franchise in my way.”

“Yes,” he agreed, “Marvel has really been doing something unprecedented. It’s such an enormous opportunity to have been part of it for so many years.”

“Very deservedly,” you added. There was a beat, you weren’t sure what else to say, and he seemed hesitant, too. You finally decided to gather some courage and address the issue that had been bothering you earlier.

“I wanted to say-” “Listen, I wanted to make sure-” you started at the same time once again.

You giggled and he chuckled. Then he extended a hand in a go-ahead motion and said, “Please, you first.”

“I wanted to say” you reprised, “That I don’t want you to feel obligated to accept my invitation.” He seemed puzzled, so you continued, “You looked very hesitant before, and I don’t want you to think you have to indulge me. It would be quite pointless of an apology if it ended up bothering you.”

“Oh, no, no, not at all!” he denied vehemently, “That wasn’t the reason I hesitated to say yes.” He saw your doubtful expression, so he continued “I was actually going to say that I wanted to make sure you didn’t feel the need to keep apologising for what happened. I really did appreciate the gift and the card, but I don’t want you to think you have to do this because you owe me. I needed to make that clear.”

You opened your mouth to respond but weren’t sure what to say, so you declared as much “I have no idea how to respond to that.”

He smiled, lowering his eyes for just a second, then spoke again, “Regardless, I would like to accept your invitation again if you’re still up for it.”

A huge grin took over your face and you excitedly replied “Absolutely!”

“However,” he stopped you, “Only on the mutual understanding that this is in no way an apology.”

You nodded solemnly and said, “I promise I’ll only apologise for the future times I’ll make a fool of myself from now on.” Then you looked straight at him and, unable to keep a straight face, you both laughed.

“I’ll be waiting to hear from you, then,” he said.

“Yeah, definitely,” you agreed, “I’ll keep in contact. I don’t mean to cut this short,” you continued, “But I reckon I should get back to my sister an the others.”

“Yes, of course,” he replied, “I’m glad we could talk again. I hope you have a pleasant rest of the night.”

You smiled timidly and reciprocated, “You too. I hope to see you again soon.”

With that, you walked away, going back to Amelia and the others who had rejoined with Linda, Nadia, and Paul. You decided to keep the conversation you just had to yourself, not that you didn’t trust your friends, but you didn’t really want to make a big deal out of it for the moment.

As expected, they had seen you talk to Tom and requested the details, but you brushed their questions aside with a vague answer and they didn’t press further.

The rest of the night progressed smoothly. You saw both Tom and Chris several times, but you didn’t approach either again, as they were also busy with people you didn’t know. At times Nina introduced you to someone from your label that you hadn’t met yet, but you spent most of the party in the company of your friends.

When you got home it was almost two in the morning, and sleep took you before you could start worrying about the dinner you had yet to schedule.

Chapter 4

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