#DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF HER UNRELEASED I HAD TO MOURN ?!?!

[thissmycomingofage]

If I didn't love Maisie so much I would hate her for this teasing

[speaknowslut13]

Folklore P.2-SPOILERS

Mirrorball

A song comparing oneself to a mirror ball or a “disco ball”.  It is a beautiful love song with many meanings.  In a way, it is also sad—the character is “shattered” and breaks easily.  However, my first thought on the song was that this one was heart melting.  I could see my relationship with my husband being so much like this.  However, I did notice that the character has a performative relationship with the subject.  Much like a popstar? An entertainer? But the earnest love for the subject is so very apparent that its hard to read the deeper meanings on a first listen.  It was a sweet little song.  

Seven

I was immediately shocked. I paused the song to contemplate the lyrics.  It starts quick, going straight into the first verse.  She hit her peak at 7 feet, however she pauses after 7.  Which to me implies emphasis on that first part of the line.  My first thought, not knowing anything about the song was albums.  Which made me mad because who in their right mind would think that Taylor Swift hit her peak? Then she goes on to mention the creek and being in Pennsylvania, which made me contemplate that she is referring to age.  Okay, so the character is saying they hit their peak at seven. Dark, deep, mournful.  I believe that there are multiple meanings to be uncovered here, but as I go on more in the song, it becomes abundantly clear that the character is referring to a time and age.  Are there still beautiful things?  How sad.

Let’s just pause this right here.  Sweet tea in the summer?  Miss Taylor, are you aware that you have an unreleased Demo song called SWEET TEA AND GOD’S GRACES?? What are you doing to us?  

Now, let me tell you the horror that struck me once she uttered “love you to the moon and Saturn” because this is a phrase I used often in the past.  Only instead of Saturn it was Pluto.  It was traumatic.  But I walked away from this feeling all sorts of ways.  This is a remembrance of the purest and most innocent type of love.  This is a love that is purely born in childhood. Its just pure love.  They could be friends, or they could be more.  However, that is not the point here.  Children love uniquely.  It cannot be categorized in any of our adult ideals of love.  They know no difference between loving someone romantically or platonic.  So, I will not classify it as either.  

Another part that I picked up here is that the character is trying to protect the subject from an abusive home situation. I get this idea that the ending of this story is tragic. I was left crying again.  

But I had to keep going on with the album.  So far, it has been so soft.  The music relies heavily on acoustic sounds, piano, guitar, strings, percussion.  Any modern manipulation is subtle.  It does not subtract from the pure, raw emotion of the composition. Its so beautiful.  Its so heavy.  I am experiencing more trepidation as I move on to the next song. I have this gut feeling I am on my way to more sadness.  

August

So, in my own personal experience I was able to relate to this emotion.  The love triangle that Taylor writes hit me hard. My own story I am writing echoes this.  I feel a little ripped off.  Great mind thinks alike.  I am teasing. It is a common plot line.  She tells this story so beautifully.  There was a few “Nope” and lots of tears.  She even matched the image for the video so perfectly.  I was so impressed.  And emotionally raw.  But I had to make it through the album.  So, I pushed forward.  This has been exactly the mood I have needed for this month.

This is me trying.

So, before I even started the song, I noticed that the image for the lyric video was reminiscent of her 2018 post with the democratic candidate trailer.  At least to me.  Moving on.

I love how this song starts with such a big percussion movement.  That drive is beautiful. I start crying almost immediately.  She pulls up to the look out and she could follow all her fears down. I react to how depressed this sounds.  I feel like the first verse is a character trying to overcome the depressive emotions they are dealing with.  The second verse feels like the character is struggling with addiction.  Then we reach the bridge and I am sobbing.  The Character is trying to overcome a loss.  And suddenly I am not sure if I can continue with this album. It is oppressively heavy at times. My in the moment thought was that this album has so far been sadder than RED.  At this point I realized that I am only just barely over halfway done with the album.  But like the machine or masochist that I am, I decide to keep going.  

Its both annoying and helpful that the Zoloft has kicked in and my brain is yelling “too much emotion! ALERT ALERT ALERT!  All systems shut down.”  Don’t worry.  I’m fine.

[hopelesstvaddict]

The Last of the Starks - Random thoughts on Episode 4

It started so promising though

This fourth episode opened with the aftermath of the Battle of Winterfell and a tearful funeral to bid farewell to the departed characters. Ramin Djawadi offers some more of his genius to score the scene… and that’s about his only meaningful contribution to the episode. What a shame after the mastery he displayed in the previous episode. The rest of this one is underscored with reused bits and pieces that sometimes work (Brienne and Jaime were scored by an unreleased cue that worked - but strangely previously accompanied Tyrion, Shae and Sansa at their wedding and later during Tyrion’s trial; Littlefinger’s theme reappears as Sansa makes the decision to tell Tyrion about Jon’s parentage) and frankly sometimes are total misses. Take the scene where Cersei and Dany’s forces face off at the gates of King’s Landing. It’s scored by a mashup of a cue that was previously used for the Boltons and a snippet from The Spoils of War intertwined with I Choose Violence. And to top it off the credits that roll right after a scene that should be deemed as tragic are accompanied by Shall We Begin, the same that ended Dany’s arrival at Dragonstone in 7x01. Hardly fitting, right ?

I have read that Missandei’s death reminds the viewers of Ned’s death. Well, Ned’s death was followed by Goodbye Brother, a sorrowful and quiet variation of the Stark theme - proper for mourning. Finishing here with this triumphant variation of the Targaryen theme removes any occasion to mourn for Missandei; some other episodes even finished off without any music at all. And if they really wanted a triumphant cue, the triumph is all for Cersei here so a variation of The Rains of Castamere would have worked better than Dany’s theme. This is absolutely not a victory for Dany here

Please do yourself a favor and go listen to I’m Sorry For Today by Ramin Djawadi. Then tell me this is not a better cue to end this episode. Wanna know something else ? It’s Greyworm and Missandei’s love theme. So… I just want to say a big no-no to whoever was in charge of music here

And then it spiraled down

Time constraints are back and it makes everyone worry about the rest of the season. The show already struggled during its entire seventh season with these problems of days/weeks spanning within minutes of an episode not to mention characters maddeningly being able to teleport literally anywhere they were needed to be. Well, it’s back on and it hurts everyone from the audience to the story to the characters themselves. While the first three episodes seemed to have learned from the previous mistakes by allowing the gravity of the situation at Winterfell to be really felt - giving the battle against the dead and the loss of characters much more impact - this installment reverts to what drew audience away from S7 by trying to pack too much in an episode that suffers from the lack of impact these developments should - in theory - have on viewers. In previous seasons, this episode would probably have been divided into two or even three episodes. I’ll say it again, I still don’t understand why HBO allowed the seasons to be shorter when 10 episodes per season was clearly a good rhythm. This decision to cut S7 and S8 down did nothing good to the show

Anyway we lose more characters here and that’s the big problem. It seems that the previous episode pulled back its punches and restrained from killing too many just to create an effect of surprise and shock in this one. But that’s just about it. There’s shock but no lasting emotional punch. We lose Rhaegal and Missandei but we hardly feel anything other than pure shock. There is no sadness, no real emotion. They’re just gone and on we move. It’s like the whole Viserion situation all over again only worse. Losing Rhaegal so soon and in such an unceremonious way serves in theory to create shock. Except the fact is, it only comes off as writing off an asset that is not needed anymore. And very poorly at that. What use was Rhaegal then apart from having Jon fly him for a few cool scenes ? In this case I’d have preferred him to die in the Battle of Winterfell

Since Dany lost Rhaegal, I don’t really see any point in her losing Missandei as well. Her dragon is largely enough to make her tip over the edge. Unless Missandei’s death furthers Greyworm’s story instead. Dany is already on her way to end up completely alone, having lost Jorah, most of her army, now her confidante and it remains to be seen how her commander will react to the death of his love. That was even confirmed by the producers as something very intentional. Varys is also lost to her and on the verge of taking Tyrion with him. On a positive note, Lena Headey continues to shine but I think Emilia does a tremendous job as well in portraying Dany’s descent into darkness

Jon and Dany are sinking and drag everyone with them

In any case, Dany and Jon seem headed for disaster. He still cannot say I love you back and what little faith I have left in Jon compels me to think he at least will not participate in the mass murder Dany seems to be leaning into. This at least is an aspect I am glad was not rushed over. The gradual transition of Dany from hero to tragic and morally questionable protagonist (to avoid the V word) is not - as some claim - too sudden to be credible; we have seen the seeds planted firmly in S7 and even earlier. Dany has my sympathy because I can still recognize her story as a tragic one and I feel for the losses she suffered. But in terms of ruling and politics, she’s no match to Sansa whom the remaining players still seem to take no notice of, as one of the best fitted rulers around (if not the only one)

Notice that Jon and Dany’s one-on-one scene is silent. There’s no music there, no Truth variation (thankfully!) to underscore it, a big contrast to the Jaime/Brienne scene. There was no romantic context to read here. Another observation : she uses touch as a means to get to Jon, just like Sansa did

Then there’s the Jon problem. I don’t know what to say about him because I hardly recognize the character. Who is this man who doesn’t even pet his direwolf ? Now I’m happy that Ghost gets a better ending than Rhaegal but this is a big disservice to a character that used to be much more important not just for the story but to Jon as well. Plus he keeps pushing his allegiance to Dany on his siblings and I bet Sansa was THIS close to blurt out loud that this was HIS allegiance, not HERS

And I can’t even begin with Jon still constantly shutting Sansa down. Anyone can literally understand the benefits of letting soldiers rest. And it’s not ‘provoking’ as Tyrion later states. It’s basic human concern mingled with a touch of military savvy. I wonder why everyone misinterprets literally what comes out of her mouth. It doesn’t take an A++ military strategist to come up with this kind of suggestion. Yet BOTH Dany and Jon shut down this basic guideline from Military 101. Sansa can’t even be bothered to argue with Jon anymore and honestly I don’t blame her. It’s up to Arya to call him on his bullshit

On a positive note, once again, Arya and Sansa synchronize themselves by holding their hands behind their back at the war council - a nice way to present a united front. Notice however that this time around, Arya is better at hiding her displeasure at Dany than her sister when in S7 she was pretty vocal about the Northern lords. Usually Sansa is the more diplomatic one, yet this season she can’t help but speak up to Dany. One then remembers Sophie Turner’s comments on a ‘more passionate fight’ this season than a political one. Sansa ‘loses it’ because she is triggered about Jon and Dany

And for an episode called The Last of the Starks its pivotal scene feels a lot underwhelming. First let this fact sink in : this is the FIRST AND ONLY time that all the Starks share some screen time alone and speak as a family. Yes these kids have never interacted onscreen before. Anyway, Arya and Sansa finally learn the truth of Jon’s parentage. Yet we’re denied the actual telling and their reactions. Jon doesn’t even do the deed himself; instead Bran does it. Was Jon ever really needed then ? I’ve seen speculation that Jon specifically refrained from telling them himself so that he could technically keep his word to Dany. Why not but still frustrating

The next time we see Arya, she’s on her way south. So is Jon. Only Sansa seems really affected by what she has learnt. And for a house that places so much importance on the pack as family, you have once again a family that is not only divided because of Jon’s parentage, his allegiance to someone all of his siblings haven’t praised a single time but also geographically as two head south - possibly to never return - and two stay home, one of whom is not really part of the family anymore. So what happens to 'The pack survives’? Are they even a pack anymore ? Were they ever ? Sansa alone seems to still cling onto this futile notion. Jon leaves everything that ties him to the North behind, from Ghost to Sam and Tormund, not to mention his cousins. And yet, there’s still NO GOODBYES

I’d speculated before that Jon and Sansa might argue more over his Starkness. That seems unlikely now since the two haven’t had any one-on-one scene since the first episode. Given how Jon treats her I kind of stick by my point that he doesn’t deserve her. With only two episodes left, even if Jon magically reveals that he was playing some kind of game, this late in the endgame would feel cheap and effectively rendered less impactful

And on Sansa, again the time jumping does a great disservice to her - but that’s not the only time her character is dealt a poorly with. The framing of this installment makes it like Sansa couldn’t wait to snitch on Jon to Tyrion. Instead, a lot of time has passed per the producers who told us that this was a very thoroughly thought decision on her part. Well, that wasn’t what transpired on screen and if really some time has passed, then her onscreen upset appearance is not even a reaction to Jon’s secret

Anyway Tyrion asks her if she is alright. She is not. Cue the parallel to Littlefinger’s ‘what do you want that you do not have ? Why aren’t you happy ?’ This episode clearly points out Jon as the answer. And it’s not just her protectiveness over him - also, wasn’t HE supposed to be the one who protects her? - it’s the look of pure unaldultered adoration and fondness she shoots at him during the celebrations only to be tarnished by what everyone interprets - rightly - as jealousy over Dany. Notice that when she’s had enough and goes, Jon notices. Why she keeps being so faithful to him is a bit beyond me honestly but hey I don’t have Sansa’s patience with everyone else’s bullshit

On Jaime and Brienne : I was happy they got together and then mad at Jaime for going but I can’t blame him really. Sitting out the rest of the war was never a viable option for him and I like to think that Sansa subtly prompted him to go with her comment on Cersei

Logics fly out of the window

As many pointed out, the logistics of I-Can-Magically-Teleport-Myself -And-My-Fleet-Euron are all but credible and the odds of hitting a flying dragon not once, not twice but three times in a row and then miraculously miss one dragon with a dozen simultaneous arrows are downright ridiculously low. But then again… a flying Dany could not spot the Iron Fleet when she was airborne. So let’s just not dwell too long on this one

Sansa did not catch on PolJon. When Arya tells Jon she respects his decision to kneel in order to bring Dany’s forces north, Sansa is stunned. But previously, we thought that she had understood why Jon did it when she was conversing with Dany. Apparently not

Not a bad episode really. But clearly, the lesser of S8 so far and one that’s very worrying over the final two that have so much to wrap up.

[scenarioslovers]

Hunting Guilt>> Suga, You

This was requested by an anon 

“I cannot believe you really did this!”

You looked up at Yoongi who stormed into your studio without a warning. Confused. He slammed his iPad on the table in front of you. You flinched a little from the loud thud the iPad made, scared that it may get broken.

Whatever you had done, it seemed like Yoongi wasn’t pleased with all.

Oh god! Of all the time. Now, after you had finally made up with Yoongi.

You wondered what you had again. What had you done that made him that angry?

His eyes were sharp, glaring at you. He looked as if he was ready to kill, his expression was so dark that you knew for sure, you had missed up again.

“What is it? The last time I checked I lied low.” Yoongi narrowed his eyes. Sarcasm didn’t seem to work with him this time, so you just calmly gripped his iPad. Your eyes widened as you read the title of the article.

[BREAKING!] BTS’s Suga’s new song had been leaked and ARMY doesn’t seem to like it.

You scrolled down as you continued to read the article.

“It seems like our genius singer and producer, BTS Suga, may have dated someone so dear to him. An insider has leaked the unreleased song “Heart”. ARMY, BTS’s Fandom, do not seem to like the song as it seemed to be about his girlfriend who had passed away last year in a car accident. BTS Suga has been dating a non-celebrity for 3 years and everyone in the industry and his company knew how serious he was about. However, due to the unfortunate event he lost his only love last year and mourning her Suga had written a song for her. Fans didn’t know about his girlfriend until the song had been released.”

You gasped as you finished the article until the last word. You bit down on your lips as you looked up at Yoongi. “Wait, I didn’t…”

“You are the only one who knew about this song. Damn it, Y/N, what do you want? You took her away from me last year and now this.” Yoongi shouted at you, taking you by surprise.

You blinked many times as you tried to keep the lump from forming at the back of your throat. Your heartbeat dropped. Maybe Yoongi had never forgiven you in the first place. Maybe everything you do from now on will cause nothing but harm to him. You gulped hard as you opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

You looked at him, then at the iPad.

You took her away from me. His voice echoed in your head, over and over again.  Once you did a mistake, it can’t be cleared. It can never be fixed, and you had split dark ink into the milk. Things will never be the same again. Mistakes will not be forgiven, and it will hunt you forever.

“I thought it would help you. You never meant to release it anyway.” You said, but you couldn’t really believe what you were saying. Your vision was blurring, and everything seemed to be going in a circle. “You have been holding onto this song for so long, Yoongi. This song will not bring her back. Now you have to let it go.”

“You don’t have a say in this, Y/N.” Yoongi spat, and you had never seen him so angry before. Yoongi could ignore you, give you a cold shoulder but never loses his temple and he seemed like he was storming. “If she hadn’t gone with you that day, she would be alive and healthy.”

“I KNOW!” You screamed as you wiped a tear that had fallen down your cheek. “I know.”

Seeing you, fighting with your tears not to fall, Yoongi sighed in frustration as he grabbed his iPad and headed towards the door. Before he walked out of the door, he glanced at your way as he said, “You shouldn’t have come back alone. You shouldn’t have come back at all, Y/N.”

The door was slapped behind him, leaving you alone in your old studio. Tears fell without a warning as you realized that maybe you had lost Yoongi and there was no way of going back to the old-time days.

A long time ago before she came into his life, he always was there for you. Because you and Yoongi had a history. Hardship, blood, sweat, and tears trying to come who you were now. You stood by each other and supported each other and like a fool you only discovered how much you were in love after he met his true love.

You just never thought that Yoongi could be taken away from you and when he was taken, you didn’t like it at all.

Nevertheless, you tried to do your best to support Yoongi’s relationship. Convincing yourself that his happiness was your happiness, you became a friend with her. And she was the perfect human being for Yoongi that you felt like suffocating. Every day you just discover how useless you were to him. Slowly, Yoongi stopped being there for you.

You never told anyone what really happened last year. You only said it was because of you.

You had told yourself that it was the jealous monster inside of you that had caused her death. Your jealousy was deeper than your humanity. Only then you also knew that that monster made you lose the people you loved forever.

A knock on the door snapped you out of your sadness, you wiped away your tears as Jungkook sneaked into the studio. Without a word he sat in front of you, looking at you with the same sad eyes he looked at you with when he visited you at the hospital after the accident. “You didn’t do it.”

“I know.” You sniffed, reaching for a tissue to wipe off your running nose.

“Then why, Noona? I do not understand.” Jungkook sighed in frustration. “You should have told him that why did you lie?”

“It is no use if I told the truth, Jungkook.” Your voice cracked, and you coughed to clear your throat. “He thinks I shouldn’t have been the one who came back alive. I want to give him a good reason to hate me instead of this one.”

“But… It isn’t your fault.”

Jungkook pressed his lips together when your eyes widened in warning. If anyone knew about what happened last year beside you, it would be Jungkook. You needed someone to know the truth. You needed someone to feel your pain and comfort you. It was killing you keeping the secret alone. Jungkook was a good listener and he listened to it all.

“Don’t Jungkook. It is over.”

“It is not over.”

“No, it is.” Your eyes became sharper. “I will leave, and he will forget about everything sooner or later.”

Jungkook looked at the ground. His eyes filled with worry. He shook his head as he said to himself, “This wasn’t what I planned for.” It was meant for only him, but you heard it.

“You are the one who leaked the song.” You gasped in realization. “Why would you do that?”

“I thought Yoongi hyung would get over his feelings if the song is out. I guess I have only caused him another loss.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Jungkook.” You smiled at him, giving his hand a squeeze.  “It wasn’t because of the leaked song. I am leaving for many other reasons.”

“I am so sorry.” Jungkook sighed, running his hand in his hair as he tilted his head to the floor. “I am sorry. I will tell Yoongi hyung—”  

“Don’t tell Yoongi. He will not be so pleased to know it was you who leaked the song.”

“But…”

“Just keep it this way. It is for the best.”

~~

It had been two weeks since you left the company. You took all the blame for the leaked song which resulted in firing you.

But why did Yoongi have this burning feeling in his chest? He still in shook that you would do something like this, but still deep inside of him he knew you didn’t deserve his harsh words. When he sighed, Hoseok who was sitting beside him, kicked his leg slightly snapping him out of his own bubble.  

“Stop sighing.” Hoseok shook his head, “What is on your mind?”

“Nothing.” Yoongi sighed again.

“Stop it! Everything has been taken care off why are you sighing?”

“Something doesn’t feel right.” Yoongi shook his head.

“I also think it is weird. Like Y/N would never do something like this.” Hoseok sighed earning an eyebrow raise from Yoongi.

Hoseok shuddered as he hugged himself, acting as if he was scared. “This sighing thing is contagious. I am leaving.”

“Where are you going?” Yoongi fixed him under his gaze. “We still have a lot of work to do.”

“No, I am done. We have been here for two hours and you did nothing but sighing.”

When Hoseok opened the door, he jumped in surprise when he saw Jungkook standing there. The younger boy looked troubled as if something was hunting him.

“What is wrong?” Hoseok asked. Behind him, Yoongi peered to the side to see who Hoseok was talking to.

“I have something to tell you, Hyung.” Jungkook looked behind Hoseok’s shoulder at Yoongi. “I think you need to know.”

~~

A lot of paper was around you. Music sheets, scratch notebooks that had all your songs ideas and everything related to composing around you. You found it the perfect chance to finally move to another city and start over as an underground indie singer.

You always wished to debut as a solo singer, but Yoongi said that making a song was perfect for you. So, you decided to focus only on composing and forget about singing.

As you were collecting your stuff into boxes, your doorbell rang making your heart leap out of your chest. Wondering you might be visiting at this hour, you opened the door carefully only to find a familiar face waiting for you.

Yoongi was standing in front of you, breathless. His face was as red as a tomato. Without a word, he pushed the door opened and walked inside before closing it behind him again.

“What are you doing here?” You looked at him confused.

“Why did you lie to me?” Yoongi asked, closing his eyes tightly then open them again. “You could have just said it wasn’t you who leaked the song.”

“Ugh! Jungkook and his big mouth.”

“Why didn’t you tell the truth?”

“It doesn’t matter, Yoongi.” You threw your arms in the air. “I was leaving anyway. It doesn’t matter.”

At that Yoongi stopped, he looked around him, all over the room to find boxes everywhere and the living room is almost empty. “You are leaving?” He breathed out painfully. “Without telling me?”

“I figured it would be better if I just leave. It is better for me. Better for you. Better for us both so I didn’t find a reason why I should tell you. Especially you always wanted me gone anyway.” You went back to pick up your stuff and put them in boxes as Yoongi followed you around. “It should have been you, not her. You were the one driving. You killed her. Y/N, why didn’t you die, too? I am saving you and me the pain, Yoongi.”

Yoongi breathed sharply. He had never realized how to hurt you were before. He thought he was the only one suffering. But what did he know? You were in that car with his girlfriend. It could have been you instead of her. It could have been both of you, gone forever. Now that he thought about the possibility that you would be gone, something inside his heart pinched so hard.

When he didn’t say anything, you just continued. “I know how much you loved her, Yoongi. God, I also liked her a lot. I was an accident that should have never happened. I am sorry she is the one who died. I am sorry it should have been me.”

“No!” Yoongi said, firmly surprising you. “It should never be you, Y/N. Never you.”

You smiled and then nodded. “Thank you, Yoongi.”

“No, really.” He insisted, “When you were the hospital, I was scared I would lose you too. But you know what I hated myself because I was so happy that you were alive when I should mourn on her.” Yoongi gave you a sad smile. “I felt guilty because she was dead, but I was happy it wasn’t you. I took it on you and blamed you instead. I am so sorry.”

“No, I am sorry, Yoongi.” You breathed in sharply as you approached him slowly. “I am really sorry, I should have been careful while driving I am so sorry.”

“It is okay.” Yoongi pulled you into a hug as your arms wrapped around each other into a squeeze. It was how you always made up with Yoongi. A friend of almost twelve years. Someone you dearly loved.

~~

One year ago

“Let’s go to Ilsan.” Seungha pulled on your sleeves begging you. “You have your car. Don’t you?”

“I do, for a fact, but it is super late, and you are drunk.” You rolled your eyes, shaking your head. “And I had a glass.”

“But you are not drunk, you can drive.”

“No, it is risky, Seungha. Yoongi would kill me if he knew.” You shook your head firmly.

“Fine!” she pouted as if she had given in. But as you were thinking she finally gave up, she gapped your car keys and grinned at you. “I will drive then.”

“No, Seungha, give me those keys.”

“Don’t be boring. Let’s go to the beach and have a serious talk.” Her eyes were pleading, she refused to give you the keys until you gave in.

“Fine! But I will drive.”

Grinning from ear to ear she gave you the keys before hopping into the passenger seat.

Once you drove out of the city, you peeked at Seungha as she fell silent. You thought she had fallen asleep, but she hadn’t. She was looking through the windows, staring at the street lights.

“You are awfully quiet.” You said, glancing at her. “Got something on your mind?”

“I like you, Y/N.”

You laughed, nodding. “I like you too, Seungha.”

“But I hate you so, so, so much.” She snapped suddenly surprising you.

“You are drunk.”

“You think you can love Yoongi as much as you want. You know how much he loves you and… I hate losing to you.”

“What are you saying? Yoongi likes you so much.”

“No! He loves you, he just doesn’t really know.” She sighed. “But I wonder if we both got hurt, who would he care for more.”

“Let’s go back, Seungha. You are really drunk.”

“Gladly, because I wouldn’t do something like this if I am sober.”

Seungha surprised you when she pulled the steering wheel towards her. The car slid, and it was too late to fix that mistake.

[jillhejl]

Chris Cornell Part 2 (Early Morning Searching, A Rainy Phone Call, and Guitarist Pete Thorn on Chris Cornell)

I know I wrote about Chris Cornell extensively yesterday, but I'm not done. I spent over an hour walking around in the drizzle talking to my friend Cindy about Chris Cornell today.  I had to--to mourn with her, discuss him. She really is the only friend I have who knows Chris (from afar of course) and his music the way I do.  She and I saw Chris twice together, once when Chris was supporting his "Scream" album and the last time 10 months ago. We talked about how rare it is to even have a TRUE artist such as Chris or Prince or Michael Jackson.  How when they are lost, who do you look to?  I said to her, and he was smart.  He wasn't someone looking for the quick fix.  He was someone who sat in his basement with a stack of Beatles albums and memorized them.  Prince studied James Brown and Sly Stone.  These are people who knew a history of rock music, blues, funk, punk, so there were layers of influence to them. I said it's like cooking.  You're supposed to season all the components of a dish as you go along to coax all the nuances of flavor to come out.  You don't just sprinkle a little salt on at the end and expect it to have any complex depth to it.  Chris had the Beatles in him, and The Stones and Led Zeppelin, but also Black Sabbath and Elvis Costello.  When you stir that all together, along with true emotion, intelligence, and vocal skill, well that's how a superstar comes along rather than someone just looking to lay down a beat track with two 7-word verses that loop over and over again.  Ugh. Now, prior to that conversation earlier this afternoon, I woke up at 1:00 a.m. unable to breathe.  I felt a tightness in my chest and had to get my inhaler to get through.  But in that eerie early hour, as soon as my mind and eyes opened, I thought of Chris.  I couldn't go back to sleep so from 1 a.m. until 5 a.m., I searched for more clues and read more articles and watched more videos (something I had been doing every moment since hearing the news and while not at work). The unreality of a world without him is starting to feel real.  I had to try to get that through to my head and heart. Here's some worthwhile finds. Please check out the following if you, like me, are in  mourning. In no particular order: It makes sense to me that there was something else going on with Chris that motivated him to "commit suicide."    Read his wife, Vicky's statement re: the possible influence of the drug Activan in his system in Spin Magazine's article here. Here's a link to Mark McGrath (from the group Sugar Ray) on "The Woody Show."  It's totally worth listening to the whole thing, but here is a right on the head quote from Mark that sums up why we feel so sad when a beloved singer dies: "You loose someone of that magnitude, it takes awhile to resonate.  When you lose someone like Prince, you lose a Scott Weiland, you lose a Chris Cornell, I think it takes awhile for all of us to mourn the loss.  Music is super personal, too.  You internalize music and it becomes a family member if you're really that vested in music & it means that much to you.  It's like losing...you feel almost like a family loss. To loose that, it hurts, it's tough, it's very tough." This Washington Post article of the history of Soundgarden and of Cornell's vow to make it as an artist doing original music no matter what it took, even if he/they were never a 'success' is excellent. Here's a very short clip from "American Masters" on Chris Cornell discussing the camaraderie of the bands in Seattle--how they inspired one another, and the development of Temple of the Dog. The Chicago Tribune's article on how Eddie Vedder is the last grunge frontman still standing.  There is a great point made in the article where rock critic Steven Hyden is quoted from his book, "Your Favorite Band Is Killing Me" as saying: "By the early aughts Pearl Jam was actively subsuming the operatic emotionalism of their more popular early records in order to cater to hard-core loyalists," Hyden wrote. "The way Vedder purposely piloted Pearl Jam toward a significantly smaller audience is still remarkable. Other than Radiohead, no rock band has ever been more deliberate about ferreting out precisely the people it wanted to care about its music." This article from Variety is a really great one and a good rock history lesson of how Soundgarden paved the way for all the Pacific Northwest bands, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains (and Stone Temple Pilots by association) who followed.  Note this point which Jem Aswad, Senior Music Editor, makes: "But Cornell was a true original in his own right. And the sound and culture of the 1990s would not have been what it was without him or Soundgarden, who cut the path that so many followed." Here's Charles R. Cross from "Music from NPR," writing on how Chris was Grunge's "True Seattle Son"  Charles knew Chris Cornell personally--read his perspective on how the band had been together for 10 years before it broke through--the slow burn to success. From Heavy's Chris Bucher, the police report that outlined the timing after the concert, his last call to his wife, and what went down.  I had to read that...find that.  I still had the thought, does anyone question if this was a murder?  I pieced several different articles together, and it seems the band left in shuttle bus from the theater at 11:25 p.m.  Chris' body guard was in his room with him around 11:35; Chris spoke to his wife Vicky at 11:40 p.m. and by midnight he was dead.  I had to know this...make sense of that span of time.  It still is unbelievable. I wrote in my previous blog post yesterday that I had watched 3 clips of his final concert, and Chris didn't seem right.  He seemed to be moving slowly--a little strangely to me.  His vocals weren't as "on" as normally.  I thought he looked exhausted.  Somewhere else--on YouTube--someone wrote that he seemed "low energy."  This well-articulated article from the Detroit Free Press, by Ashley Zlatopolsky, "Chris Cornell's final performance:  Something Clearly Wasn't Right, corroborates my thoughts that Chris wasn't the Chris I was used to seeing. By the way, here's a link to the entire final concert.  I've listed the set list at the bottom of this page. Here's Alexis Sottile's Rolling Stone Magazine article on Cameron Crowe and the 25th anniversary of the movie, "Singles."  He really has wonderful stories of the musical genius and unbelievable creativity of Cornell as well as his impressions of living in the midst of the development of the Seattle scene.  Please read it so you can put into context this quote: "And holy shit, this is Chris Cornell, as Cliff Poncier, recording all of these songs, with lyrics, and total creative vision, and he has recorded the entire fake, solo cassette. And it's fantastic. And "Seasons" comes on. And you just can't help but go, "Wow." This is a guy who we've only known in Soundgarden. And of course he's incredibly creative, but who's heard him like this? And we got to use "Seasons" on the soundtrack, and Chris did some of the score. And some of the unreleased score is on the new version of the album." Here's Pete Thorn, his guitarist who supported him through his "Carry On" tour and "Scream" tour.  I saw his play during both of those tours.  He relates poignant memories of playing with Chris, and describes what kind of honorable, supportive, creative, strong person and friend he was.  If you look at the time it's says 37 minutes and you'll think, I'll never listen to all of that.  But you will. It will break your heart a little more though.

Detroit, MI, 5/17/17 Set List Ugly Truth Hunted Down Non-State Actor Spoonman Outshined Kickstand Black Hole Sun Crooked Steps Day I Tried to Live My Wave Zero Chance Fell on Black Days Mailman A Thousand Days Before Burden in My Hand Blow Up the Outside World Jesus Christ Pose Beyond the Wheel Encore: Rusty Cage Slaves and Bulldozers interspersed with lyrics from Led Zeppelin's "In My Time of Dying"