#DID diaries

[perculiar]

Kinda funny that what my mum’s therapist is saying to her now is what I said to her from when I was like 11

but I find harder to say to her now bc I shouldn’t have been a child therapist to use and ignore intermittently

Instead of “mummy you’re good and kind and so compassionate n care for everyone, pls believe you’re a good mummy”

it’s “you’re a heavily traumatised woman but you did what you could” (what you could, not your best) and “bleeding heart syndrome” (you welcomed so many people in but neglected me in so many ways simultaneously)

It’s yes I can reassure you and praise your right behaviours, positively reinforce your actions and correct your thought patterns (but i can only do so much and i cannot praise you for the bare minimum in everything)

Over why did you sacrifice me and why did you let me near patriarchal offenders unsupervised and why do i have to sit here praising you as you waltz some of my most traumatic memories to recount either the lessons you’ve learned or explanations (excuses) why you allowed it to happen

Sometimes it feels like the same pattern from the time my face got cut open on the door jamb.

You lost your temper and slapped me round the face hard enough to make me spin and fall into the side metal of the door. Then as my face was stinging, maybe bleeding, and i was frozen in ricocheting silence, you crumpled to a heap on the floor of the upstairs landing.

I don’t think I was back in my body until after you’d been squeezing me to you, apologising. I think it was likely my lack of reaction that made us shiver apart so you could bury your head in your hands. I can’t remember if you were saying it, or whether I intuited it, the way you were blaming yourself and saying you were a bad mother.

I just recall I was desperately trying to convince you you weren’t. Accidents happen and I’m ok and I’m sorry I was bad and I won’t do it again and I love you mummy you’re my favourite person don’t cry its okay I’m sorry I love you

Don’t know how that one ended. I think I was around 6. Maybe younger. Clumsy in my chubby handed petting and reassurance.

The things we remember and the things we forget ey.

Funny how just a couple of years ago you were telling my nephew you never hit us as kids. He didn’t believe you and looked to me. You were affronted when I said that that was just not true, then after you pressed and I cloaked some examples in vague recollection, you conceded. it was like watching you remember.

Maybe you don’t have access to some of the memories I do. Maybe I presume too much in that.

Fully aware how trauma + memory loss works, after all.

[caintooth]

seeing people my age talk about how scared they are of memory loss, which they only associate with old age, is so surreal to see as a 24 year old who has actively experienced memory loss for a long time now

there are causes for memory loss besides dementia and alzheimer’s, i hope y’all know that. dissociative disorders, trauma, brain injuries, thyroid problems, even just stress and lack of sleep can fuck up your ability to store, process, and access memory. and that’s just a few of the many causes i can think of off the top of my head right now.

please stop treating disabled people like some scary “other” that you might become only in the distant, decades-away future. we are your age, too. you may become one of us sooner than you know. stop acting like memory loss marks the end of a life, when so many of us have so much living left to do!

[perculiar]

Here’s a link i found!

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

My highlighted bits:

[these are mostly for personal reference, of things i find most interesting or useful]

SOURCE (sorry I can't find a free version, I don't remember how I got the full PDF lol)

I just wanted to share this because I've always thought it was a neat chart and I figured sharing might resonate with other people/help them realize stuff/whatever :P

[proxycrit]

LINKTOBER DAY 7: goron hot springs!

Link and zelda are sent to death mountain to “deal with the problem” via Purah. Yunobo is tired.

(Recasting Death Mountain to be slightly on fire! I love it when things are on fire.)

More of my zelda au here! (It’s totk without the time travel)

My patreon’s here if youd like to support my crimes :0

[dashboarddiaries]

GUESS WHAT?

it's the 10 YEAR anniversary of the most amazing event EVER! *explodes like a confetti cannon*

that's right, tumbeasts, Dashcon happened TEN YEARS ago!!!!!

if you're new here and don't know what that is, LET ME LEARN YOU A THING:

Dashcon was an event just for US. for the freaks, the weirdos, the fangirls. it had cosplayers and fanfic writers and a BALLPIT. And--

[a comical *thunk* as lauren hits her imposter over the head with a shovel]

jesus, guys, sorry about that. something went wrong with my hybrid cloning/time machine.

ANYWAY. Dashcon happened 10 years ago this weekend and @overchers and I have episodes for this very occasion!

we talked to two brave Tumblr employees who were there:

and who also had amazing pictures to share, that we posted on the internet for the very first time!

and THEN we talked to Lochlan, the Tumblr user who started it all:

(transcripts for those episodes here and here)

so we've got dashcon coverage from both sides! get the inside scoop and relive the glory days.

[puppyeared]

horrible truth bomb dropped on my head 20 min ago

[redraccoondog]

Yes THIS but since Rauru has the exact same energy as my literal dad he would consistently replace Link’s name with another random four-letter word that starts with L and be completely serious about it every time, LIKE SO:

AND

[original post x] @somehowmags​

[obsob]

once more around the sun!! :3

[the-geeky-fangirl]

yes i know heartstopper is "cringe" and yes I know you think it's not that deep but you've endured years of cringe oversexualized shows about high schoolers where the gays are delegated to sub plots I'm sure a few hours of queer people being safe and happy and loved won't kill you so please shut the fuck up

[sameboot]

Paraphrasing again buuut I wanted to try illustrating this scene!

[perculiar]

Oh. I was reading a recovery blog on DID and got zoomed into a memory that’s pretty core for me.

Cw mentions of: CSA / child soldiers / mutilation / neglect + abuse / self harm

-

Being in the underground second assembly hall in secondary school with cuts on my arms and a general flattened want-to-die depression then being shown photos of child soldiers (some injured and mutilated - which??? Why the fuck were they showing teenagers that but I digress)

I remember being so down and flattened and hazy. Then feeling so selfish and rotten bc look. These are actual child soldiers and I’m here making up my own problems (I didn’t have childhood memories or understanding of what I was experiencing daily - namely CSA + neglect + abuse + parentification lmao).

Then just a switch. I completely forgot about myself, like all previous thoughts ran out of my head, and I felt happy and determined because I had the 💡 thought “if I don’t want my life, I will spend it in service of others!”

It sounds so silly. But I knew I couldn’t help child soldiers in Africa (which,, turned out that the specific fundraising group were just world class embezzlers that my xtian school had welcomed in lmao). But I could just dedicate being forced to live to serving others! and it instantly switched my other feelings off. The despair became determination and a internal peace.

& it’s so wild to me that this was a defining moment but one that confused me for a long long time. Because the weight of the grief I was already carrying was so heavy and it grew heavier with the subject matter.

In hindsight, it’s clearly a DID switch. Like my brain had gone Enough Now and a different host who could “make sense” of it began to front.

n fuck. Actually?? Maybe that’s an origin for a (assumed previous) headmate? I can’t. Quite remember how I was after and my brain is now pounding lmao. But there’s something in it. That we continued with that frame of mind and it feels like 2 states: clear and determined; but stepping out of it and instantly being internally crushed and wanting to die on the daily. Just existing flipping between the two(+)

Gonna leave this here now. Will revisit when my brain wants me to / lets me. Ok bye. Sorry!

[as21-7]

[lalluviadeanoche]

Merlin *on four hrs of sleep for the past week, dirty from a fight, definitely has a concussion and at least two untreated injuries, one of which he’s bleeding out from, leans over on someone’s shoulder*: Arthur has no idea I have magic!

Arthur *still blushing from Merlin leaning on him and is now very confused w his emotions*: YOU HAVE MAGIC?!

Merlin: oh… sorry.

Merlin *moves to Lancelot’s shoulder*: Arthur has no idea I have magic!

Arthur: I can still hear you!! You’re right next to me and you’re yelling!!

The knights:… you didn’t know??

[incendavery]

the economy of damocles

[paintedcrows]

Love this guy. The Gucket...

Also I was messing around with the colours and I kind of love these.

[v3il]

reading fanfic abt yourself as a fictive: