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dreambigdreamz · 2 months ago

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assigning LaDS men their TTPD theme songs and specific lyrics

go and open up the entire album with the LaDS in your mind uwu i swear this is too much angst but like not the whole song but vibes <333 someone please write fics on these

Fortnight — Zayne

(I was supposed to be sent away but they forgot to come and get me/ I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic)

(All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February/ I took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary)

(And for a fortnight there we were together/ Run into you sometimes, comment on my sweater/ Now you’re at the mailbox, turned into good neighbours)

The Tortured Poets Department — Rafayel

(You left your typewriter at my apartment/ Straight from the Tortured Poets Department/ I think some things I’ll never say like “Who uses typewriters anyway?”)

(But you awaken with dread/ Pounding nails in your head/ But I’ve read this one where you come undone/ I chose this cyclone with you)

+ The entire chorus and bridge 💀

(At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on/ And that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart explodinggg 🎆 🎆 )

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys — Xavier

(Oh here we go again/ The voices in his head/ Called the rain to end our days of wild/ The sickest army doll/ Purchased at the mall/ Rivulets descend my plastic smile/ But you should have seen him when he first got me)

(There was a litany of reasons why we could have played for keeps this time/ I know I’m just repeating myself/ Put me back on my shelf/ But first pull the string and I’ll tell you that he runs because he loves me [he loves me ✨ sings in delulu ✨])

(Just say when I’d play again/ He was my best friend down at the sandlot/ I felt more when we played pretend/ Than with all the Kens/ Cuz he took me out of my box)

Down Bad — Sylus

(Did you really beam me up/ In a cloud of sparkling dust?/ Just to do experiments on/ Told me I was the chosen one/ Show me that this world is bigger than us/ Then sent me back where I came from/ For a moment I knew cosmic love)

(Did you take all my old clothes/ Just to leave me here naked and alone?/ In a field in my same old town/ That somehow seems so hollow now/ They’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you/ For a moment I was heaven struck)

+ The chorus and bridge like, justlistennn

So Long, London — Rafayel

(I saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist/ I kept calm and carried the weight through the rift/ I pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away)

(And you say I abandoned the ship/ But I was going down with it/ My white knuckle dying grip/ Holding tight to your quiet resentment)

(You swore that you loved me but where were the clues?/ I died on the altar waiting for the proof/ You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days/ And I’m just getting color back into my face/ I’m just mad as hell cause I loved this place)

(For so long, London/ Had a good run/ One moment of warm sun/ But I’m not the one/ So long, London/ Stitches undone/ Two graves, one gun/ You’ll find someone ...)

But Daddy, I Love Him — Sylus

(insert the entire song just kidding)

(He was chaos, he was revelry/ Bedroom eyes like a remedy/ Soon enough the elders had convened/ Down at the city hall/ “Stay away from her”/ The saboteurs protested too much/ Lord knows the words we never heard/ Just screeching tires and true love)

(Thinking it can change the beat/ Of my heart when he touches me/ And counteract the chemistry/And undo the destinyyyy/ You ain’t gotta pray for me/ Me and my wild boy and all this wild joy/ If all you want is gray for me/ Then it’s just white noise cuz it’s just my choice)

(I’m telling him to floor it through the fences/ No, I’m not coming to my senses/ I know he’s crazy but he’s the one I want)

Oh Lord I haven’t listened to Fresh Out The Slammer 💀

Florida!!! — Sylus

(The hurricane with my name when it came/ I got drunk and I dared it to wash me away/ Barricaded in the bathroom with a bottle of wine/ Well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time/ Yes, I’m haunted but I’m feeling just fine)

(Little did you know/ Your home’s really only the town you’ll get arrested/ So you pack your life away/Just to wait out the shitstorm back in Texas)

(I need to forget, so take me to Florida/ I’ve got some regrets, I’ll bury them in Florida/ Tell me I’m despicable, say it’s unforgivable/ What a crash, what a rush, fuck me up, Florida/ It’s one hell of a drug)

Guilty as Sin? — Zayne

(My boredom’s bone deep/ This cage was once just fine/ Am I allowed to cry?/ I dream of cracking locks/ Throwing my life to the wolves/ Or the ocean rocks/ Crashing into him tonight/ He’s a paradox/ I’m seeing visions, am I bad?/ Or mad? Or wise?)

this is literally MC in Zayne cards no question no judging we love our personal rocking chair babe

(I keep recalling things we never did/ Messy top lip kiss/How I long for our trysts/ Without ever touching his skin/ How can I be guilty as sin?)

Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me? — Rafayel(?)

Just vibes.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) — Sylus

(The smoke cloud billows out of his mouth like a freight train through a small town/ The jokes that he told at the bar were revolting and far too loud)

(They shake their heads saying “God help her” when I tell ‘em he’s my man/ But your good Lord doesn’t need to lift a finger/ I can fix him, no really, I can/ And only I can)

(The dopamine races cross his brain like a six-plane Texas highway/ His hands, so calloused from his pistol, softly traces hearts on my face/ And I can see it from a mile away/ A perfect case for my certain skills set/ He had a halo of the highest grade/ He just hadn’t met me yet)

(Good boy, that’s right/ Come close, I’ll show you heaven if you’ll be an angel all night/ Trust me, I can handle me a dangerous man)

Did I just type out the entire song oop-

loml — Rafayel

(Who’s gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames?/ If we know the steps anyway/ We embroidered the memories of the time I was away/ Stitching “We were just kids, babe”/ I said “I don’t mind, it takes time”/ I thought I was better safe than starry eyed/ I felt a glow like this, never before and never since)

(Who’s gonna tell me the truth when you blew in with the winds of fate/ And told me I reformed you/ When your impressionist paintings of heaven turned out to be fake/ Well, you took me to hell, too/ And all at once, the ink bleeds/ A con-man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme/ I felt a hole like this, never before and ever since)

(You shit talked me under tables, talking rings and talking cradles/ I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all/ Dancing phantoms on the terrace/ Are they second-hand embarrassed? That I can’t get out of bed/ Cuz something counterfeit’s dead)

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart — Xavier

(There in her glittering prime/ The lights refract sequined stars off her silhouette every night/ I can show you lies ✨ )

(Cuz I’m a real tough kid/ I can handle my shit/ They said “Babe you gotta fake it till you make it” and I did/ Lights, camera, bitch smile/ Even when you wanna die/ He said he’d love me all his life/ But that life was too short/ Breaking down I hit the floor/ All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting more)

(I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthdayyy everyday/ I’m so obsessed with him but he avoids me like a plague/ I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art/ You know you’re good when you can even do it with a broken heart ✨ )

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

umm…. imma be saving this for later because …. we can all sense a betrayal of smth coming right? or is it just my bestfriend’s pessimistic arse again—

The Alchemy — Sylus 💯

(What if I told you I’m back?/ The hospital was a drag/ Worst sleep that I ever had/ I circled you on a map/ I haven’t come around in so long/ But I’m coming back so strong)

(So when I touch down/ Call the amateurs and cut ‘em from the team/ Ditch the clowns, get the crown/ Baby, I’m the one to beat/ Cuz the sign on your heart said it’s still reserved for me/ Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?)

(Where’s the trophy? He just comes running over to me.) — please let us take a moment to appreciate how sweet this line was, even in TS standards

The Black Dog — Sylus

(I move through the world with a heart broken/ My longing stays unspoken/ And I may never open up the way I did to you/ And all of those best laid plans/ You said I needed a brave man/ Then proceeded to play him until I believed it too)

(Six weeks of breathing clean air/ I still miss the smoke/ Were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?/ Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes/ And hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons/ Even if I die screaming/ And I hope you hear it)

imgonnagetyouback — Sylus

(Whether I’m gonna be your wife or gonna smash up your bike, I haven’t decided yet/ But I’m gonna get you back/ Whether I’m gonna curse you out or take you back to my house, I haven’t decided yet/ But I’m gonna get you back)

(Bygones will be bygone eras fading into gray/ We broke all the pieces but still want to play the game/ Told my friends I hate you but I love you just the same/ Pick your poison, babe, I’m poison either way)

The Albatross — Rafayel

(Wise men once said wild winds are death to the candle/ A rose by any other name is a scandal/ Locked me up in towers but I'd visit in your dreams/ And they tried to warn you about me)

(Cross your thoughtless heart/ Only liquor anoints you/ She’s the albatross/ She is here to destroy you/ Devils that you know/ Raise worse hell than a stranger/ She’s the death you chose/ And all this terrible danger)

(And when that sky rains fire on you/ And you're persona non grata/ I'll tell you how I've been there too/ And that none of it matters)

hands down the best fitting song and ship by far aaand we’re gonna be getting some zayne angst for the next few ones

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus — Zayne

(If you wanna break my cold, cold heart/ Just say “I loved you the way that you were”/ If you wanna tear my world apart just say you’ve always wondered)

(If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh/ Down that passage in time back to the moment I crashed into you/ Like so many wrecks do/ Too impaired by my youth/ To know what to do)

How Did It End? — Zayne

(We hereby conduct this post-mortem/ He was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsmen/ Our maladies were such we could not cure them/ And so his touch that was my birthright became foreign)

(Say it once again with feeling/ How the death rattle breathing/ Silenced as the soul was leaving/ The deflation of our dreaming/ Leaving me bereft and reeling/ My beloved ghost and me/ Sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G )

So High School — Xavier

(I feel so high school every time I look at you/ I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you 💖)

(And in a blink of a crinkling eye/ I’m sinking, our fingers entwined and cheeks pink in the twinkling lights/ Tell me ‘bout the first time you saw me/ I’ll drink what you think, and I’m high from smoking your jokes all damn night/ The brink of a wrinkle in time/ Bittersweet sixteen suddenly)

I Look In People’s Windows — Zayne

At this point I’m cutting onions for Zayne’s story. Maybe other albums will have better song choices for my babe 🥹🙏

(I had died the tiniest death/ I spied the catch in your breath/ Out, out, out, out, out, out/ North bound I got carried away as you boarded your train/ South, south, south, south, south, south/ A feather taken by the wind blowing/ I’m afflicted by the not knowing so)

(I look in people’s windows/ Transfixed by rose golden glows/ They have their friends over to drink nice wine/ I look in people’s windows In case you’re at their table/ What if your eyes looked up and met mine/ One more time)

(You had stopped and tilted your head/ I still ponder what it meant now, now/ Now, now, now, now/ I tried searching faces on streets/ What are the chances you'd be downtown, downtown, downtown/ Does it feel alright to not know me?/ I’m addicted to the ‘if only’)

The Prophecy — Zayne

(Hand on the throttle/ Thought I caught lightning in a bottle/ Oh, but it's gone again/ And it was written/ I got cursed like Eve got bitten/Oh, was it punishment?)

(Please, I’ve been on my knees/ change the prophecy/ Don’t want money/ Just someone who wants my company/ Let it once be me/ Who do I have to speak to, about if they can redo the prophecy?)

I will cry if the creators don’t give at least one happy ending to one of them

Peter — Xavier

(The goddess of Timing once found us beguiling/ She said she was trying, Peter, was she lying?/ My ribs get the feeling she did/ And I didn’t wanna come down/ We said it was just goodbye for now)

(And sometimes it gets me/ When crossing your jet stream/ We both did the best we could do underneath the same moon/ In different galaxies)

(And I won’t confess that I waited but I let the lamp burn/ As the men masqueraded/ I hoped you’d return with your feet on the ground/ Tell me all that you’ve learned/ Cuz love’s never lost when perspective is earned)

The Bolter — Sylus

(He was a cad, wanted her bads/ Just like any good trophy hunter/ And she likes the way it tastes/ Taming a bear, making him care/ Watching him jump then pulling him under/ And at first blush, this is fate/ When it's all roses, portrait poses/ Central Park Lake in tiny rowboats/ What a charming Saturday/ That’s when she sees the littlest leaks/ Down in the floorboards/ And she just knows/ She must bolt)

Robin — Xavier

(Strings tied to levers, slowed down clocks tethered/ All this showmanship/ To keep it, for you/ In sweetness/ Way to go tiger/ Higher and higher/ Wilder and lighter/ For you)

(You got the dragonflies above your bed/ You have a favorite spot on the swing set/ You have no room in your dreams for regrets/ You have no idea/ The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean/ You’ll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline/ But now we’ll curtail your curiosity)

The Manuscript — Rafayel

(Now and then she rereads the manuscript/ Of the entire torrid affair/ They compared their licenses He said, “I’m not a donor but I’d give you my heart if you needed it”/ She rolled her eyes and said “You're a professional”/ He said, “No, just a good samaritan”)

(The only thing that’s left is the manuscript/ One last souvenir from my trip to your shores/ Now and then I reread the manuscript/ But the story isn’t mine anymore)

Yes I left out Clara Bow, I Hate It Here, thanK you aIMee and Cassandra. These are really amazing songs, very TS girl-coded and we stan all the lyrics <3 they just didn’t particularly fit oh oh maybe

Clara Bow — Sylus

(This town is fake but you’re the real thing/ Breath of fresh air through smoke rings/ Take the glory, give everything/ Promise to be dazzling/ The crown is stained but you’re the real queen/ Flesh and blood amongst war machines/ You’re the new god we’re worshiping/ Promise to be dazzling)

I Hate It Here — Zayne

(I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind/ People need a key to get to/ The only one is mine/ I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child/ No mid-sized city hopes and small town fears/ I’m there most of the year cuz I hate it here)

(I hate it here so I will go to lunar valleys in my mind/ When they found a better planet, only the gentle survived/ I dreamt about it in the dark the night I felt like I might die)

thanK you aIMee — Xavier

(All that time you were throwing punches, I was building something/ And I couldn’t wait to show you it was real/ Screamed “thanK you aIMee” to the nightsky and the stars are stunning/ And our town, it looks so small from way up here)

Cassandra — Rafayel

(I was in my new house placing daydreams/ Patching up the crack along the wall/ I pass it and lose track of what I’m saying/ Cuz that’s where I was when I got the call)

(I was in my tower weaving nightmares/ Twisting all my smiles into snarls/ They say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you aware”/ What happens if it becomes who you are?)

#lads #love and deepspace #lnds #lads rafayel #lads zayne #lads xavier #lads sylus #love and deep space #ttpd #taylor swift ttpd #lnds rafayel #lnds zayne #lnds xavier #lnds sylus #dreambigdreamz

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pandulce135 · 1 year ago

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The Fivefold Trap (TMNT 2012 Reader Insert)

Note: This is such a wannabe song fic lmao. Straight up, this is an idea I had for my OC Toru for the 2012 version of her (cuz I have a version for 2003 and 2018, too). Like, if I were to write a whole fic, this would be a highlight on Toru's home life and honestly, it wouldn't be seen by the turtles until they go to space because of that holograph room. This idea has been plaguing my brain for months and honestly? It's for the angst. The other versions of her are much more lighthearted. 2012 Toru is just not having a good time.

The songs used in this fic are: Pieces by Sum 41, Perfect by Simple Plan, Spaceship by Art Sorority, A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley

Word count: 4.2k

Warnings: troubled home life, strained relationship with parents, self deprecation, drug use, mention of thoughts of suicide, child neglect and emotional abuse, psychological abuse and trauma, experiment, not proofread (lmk if I need to add anything!)

~~~~~

You were awake, you knew it, so why couldn’t you see anything? You felt your eyelashes make contact with something- were you wearing a mask? How did you get here? Why were you so achy? You had no recollection of getting here- wherever you were.

The last thing you remember was sitting on the rooftop of your apartment building. There was no one up there, no one around. You were trying to get a breath of fresh air and relax while you strummed on your ukulele. It was after seeing the Hamato sons at their Lair. You strummed chords at random, coming up with a tune in your head. Your hands on the strings were illuminated only by the lights of the city and shining moon above you.

The boys had gotten into an argument when you excused yourself from the Lair. You had told Donnie to text you and reminded him that he’s doing great under all the pressure his brothers and father are placing on him. He had left at the same time you did, explaining that April called him. He had given you a quick ride back to the surface in one of his armored go carts before continuing his drive to his own destination.

You didn’t get the chance to play your ukulele long. You remember feeling a presence behind you and stopped playing, your fingers freezing over the strings abruptly. There wasn’t enough time for you to turn around before a sharp pain hit your head.

That’s what happens when you let your guard down.

You groaned as you sat up, still unable to see what’s around you. The ground was cold and smooth with a glossy finish. This wasn’t a cellar, by any means. There was a smell in the air, however. A cleaning product, Lysol?

To your left, you heard two different voices.

“You’re sure it will work?” A feminine voice. Karai.

“You shouldn’t doubt my skill. I know exactly what I am doing.” An arrogant voice. Male. Baxter Stockman. He usually speaks like this when he’s talking about science, so you’ve seen. What exactly is he…?

“They’re awake too soon. Hit it.”

“Wait-” You tried reaching out, tried saying something to stop them when music began playing from whatever contraption was on your head. You placed your hands on it, hearing a sad guitar begin to play. Your fingertips were met with cold, heavy duty steel that seemed to stay on your head no matter how hard you pried.

Before you, a crying young teen sat just as you recognized the song and the person.

“I tried to be perfect But nothing was worth it I don’t believe that makes me real

I thought it’d be easy But no one believes me I meant all the things that I said

If you believe it’s in my soul I’d say all the words that I know Just to see if it would show That I’m trying to let you know

That I’m better off on my own.”

You looked at the younger version of yourself. Curled up, sobbing with headphones blaring music to try and calm down. You liked listening to this music because it allowed you feel seen and heard- like someone finally understands.

There were a lot of things that led to these thoughts of isolation and beliefs of not being good enough: degrading parents who expected their only child to be a spitting image of them, being average when they demanded perfection, ultimately having such low confidence because of their words.

Worthless.

Even when you did your best, it just wasn’t enough. Maybe you were better off on your own.

You sat there staring at your crying form for three minutes before the image in your head changed and you were now in your kitchen. A new song began to play in your ears and your parents had just gotten home from a long time of being at their out of state lab- almost a month.

Not even five minutes into them being home and they’re yelling at your preteen self. You had forgotten about this. It had probably been pushed to the back of your mind, shoved away so you could continue moving along. You had gotten a few B’s on your last group of tests. They threatened to take away the electronics in the apartment, they wanted to make it so the only thing you would do was study, not even be a kid.

“We raised you to be smart and capable. Not average!” Your father shouted down at you with a vein threatening to burst at his temple. “You’re supposed to be like us: smart, capable, you’re an idiot!”

“Hey, dad, look at me Think back and talk to me Did I grow up according to plan?”

“Spending all your time playing that stupid ukulele, watching those stupid videos on the computer. You need to study. B’s are for average children. You’re supposed to be better than this!”

“And do you think I’m wasting my time Doing things I wanna do But it hurts when you disapprove all along.”

Your mother towered over your quaking form. You were trying to hold it together, trying to remain strong until you can hide away in your room to let it all out.

“We’ve worked hard to keep a roof over your head, to give you the best education we can afford and you do nothing but disappoint us. Go to your room!”

Grades were all that mattered to them. They still are. Even when they tasked you with saving the world.

“Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said And nothing’s gonna make this right again Please don’t turn your back I can’t believe it’s hard just to talk to you But you don’t understand.

‘Cuz we’ve lost it all Nothing lasts forever I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.”

“I did my best,” you had muttered. Your hands were fists at your sides, trying to keep your voice steady. Trying to stay strong for just a few more minutes.

“And it’s just too late And we can’t go back I’m sorry I can’t be-”

“-perfect.” You had said the last line of that song before you turned to go to your room. You had slammed the door shut and locked it before letting your emotions out. You had forgotten all of that.

You stood up to follow your younger self through the memory and into their room. You moved your hand to the doorknob to enter only for it to phase through the door. You let out a small gasp but jumped as a voice came over an intercom.

“Greetings turtles… and Y/N. It’s time for us to play a game.” Karai’s voice came over the intercom. So the boys were here, too! Good, good. At least you’re not alone in this. “Each of you have been placed inside a room with a unique trap. Oh, we all had input. Isn’t that right Xever?”

Xever’s voice was a bit muffled, he obviously was standing further away from the microphone. “I helped design yours personally, Raphael. Everyone loves baked turtle.”

“Raphael, you’re inside the first trap, aptly called the Hot Head. Can you figure a way out?” Karai’s voice was menacing over the intercom. Her attention shifted. “Hello, Leonardo. Welcome to the Courage Slayer. To save your brothers and Y/N, you’ll have to face ninja blades as skilled as your own, which isn’t all that formidable. So I cranked up the speed to 100.”

Your eyes widened but were still only able to take in the darkness inside the metal helmet mask you wore.

“Donatello, are you smart enough to beat the Brain Boggler? Connect he pieces as they appear on the game grid. Make a mistake and you get zapped. Get zapped enough times, and then you’ll truly know what it feels like to be brain fried.”

“Next, we have the Flush-O-Matic. Once the tanks are full, the flush valve will open and dump mutagen all over you poor, little Michelangelo.” There was a moment where you knew Mikey was talking back to your captors, probably something about the name.

“Last, but certainly not least, Y/N. On your head is Memory Activator Helmet. You already know how it works. It’s able to see memories you’ve subconsciously pushed away. With the help of music, you’re able to see those memories right before your eyes. You will always be the least favorite only child in the eyes of your parents.” Karai let out a laugh. “We wanted to see you break before we break you. Good luck, Turtles, and good riddance.”

It was like a Saw movie. Traumas you had already lived through began to bubble up to the surface as another song began to play, just a guitar, and a new scene appeared before your eyes.

You were staring out of your window. It was three in the morning. There was a handwritten note on your desk.

“Get-get, get inside your spaceship You don’t have a car, but you don’t have to take this You’ll jet up out the city like your favorite authors Look up at the stars, look up at the stars

You’re on a fast track living from a backpack Leaving all the sad-sack suckers in the dust behind you This is how you roll, permanent vacation You put in your time, now you’re out of patience.”

Your behavior at school had begun to get worse. You were isolating yourself from your peers, others were beginning to start rumors. In their eyes, you were a weirdo, a product of an experiment gone wrong thanks to your parents. The career of ‘scientist’ mixed in with a social outcast of a child really gave your parents a certain reputation.

“You can really go, no one’s gonna stop you You can really go, no one’s gonna stop you You can really go, but now you’re getting caught up in it Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!”

You watched as you looked out the window, contemplating, thinking, wondering. Your younger counterpart’s eyebrows were furrowed, obviously deep in thought. Little you glanced at the note they had written minutes prior. Looking into those tear stained, tired eyes, you yourself began crying. It hit you like a truck, this memory. Your chest hurt and you clutched at the shirt that you wore as you stepped back. A hard wall collided with your back and helmet as you watched yourself ask if they’re ready.

“Think about your friends, think about your other friends Thinking ‘bout you when they can, probably wondering what happened to you Can’t return their calls, skipping every breakfast You tried to be a writer but instead you only fact check.”

That’s when you threw yourself at the other you. You where shocked when your arms wrapped around their body rather than go through them, but held on nonetheless. You sobbed into the shoulder of the you from before you met the turtles, and began training with Splinter, and studying with April and Casey even though you went to different schools, sat there.

“It gets better, I promise,” you let out in a hoarse voice, hardly above a whisper. “You have six new friends, you have a sensei, and you have a second home. Don’t give in just yet, please!” You held onto yourself, crying. Eventually, their head was on your shoulder, sobbing. Is this how it happened?

There had been a feeling of warmth that encased you, and then there was a nice voice mixed in with the bad ones, telling you to keep going, telling you to not give up. A fire in you ignited that night that burned bright, angry, and proud.

“Keep going and do not falter.”

You didn’t even notice the song fade out, you only heard your sobbing.

Karai had watched the whole thing from the observation deck screens where she could see the others as well. This was a little experiment that Karai had Stockman doing, and it also incorporated a type of torture, less physical, more psychological. She laughed, watching you stand frozen before backing up, clutching your chest. But then you did something that made her confused. You leapt out with your arms out.

“What are they doing?” Karai asked the scientist that stood to her side. Stockman looked from you to Karai to the screen that showed them what you were seeing. Upon seeing, his eyes widened and he began to stammer.

“This wasn’t anticipated! It’s very interesting.” Stockman pulled on the monitor to show Karai the screen. “They appear to be hugging the version of them from their memory.”

“Interesting.” Karai stared at the screen, holding her chin in thought. “Stockman, can you ruin a memory?”

He stammered. “What do you mean?”

“The memory they’re in, can you make it worse?” Karai clarified, still eyeing your form on the monitor as you began to calm down from your crying. She rolled her eyes at the sight. “So emotional…”

“From what I have currently, I cannot.” He answered, straightforward and simple. “But,” he pressed a button on the console he stood before, prompting another song to play and a new memory to appear in your head, “we can make them remember the worst of the worst.”

The version of you that you were hugging fazed out and you fell forward. Your hands made contact with the cold floor to keep you from face planting. You felt your gut begin to twist and swirl, a newfound nervousness taking hold. The sights and scenes began anew.

You stood over yourself laying in bed it was the morning after a particularly terrible fight you had with your parents. This one was the most recent memory, only taking place a few months ago. You hardly got any sleep and the bags under your eyes showed for it. In your hand was a small device resembling a USB drive. It wasn’t for memory storage, though.

You remember how your world seemed to spin that day and you just laid in bed, avoiding your parents. You didn’t have to wait long though, they were out of town for the next month in their lab the following day.

“Sometimes, in the morning I am petrified and can’t move Awake but cannot open my eyes

And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can’t breathe I hope someone will save me this time.”

You watched as the version of you in bed lifted the small device to their lips and breathed in a heavy breath. You sat there for a moment, letting the chemicals mix with your insides before breathing out, a cloud of smoke escaping through your lips.

You weren’t addicted by any means, no. It was just an opportunity to stay loose, so you took it and ran. It was an effort to remain calm in a stormy apartment.

At this point, you had known the turtles for a bit, but they didn’t know about your home life and you still won’t plan on telling them. However, you’re sure Master Splinter had realized something was amiss. The way you held yourself and avoided much conversation of your parents probably helped him piece that one together.

You let out a gasp when the scene changed but the song stayed the same. They’re really aiming for torture, aren’t they?

“Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things Crawl back into bed to dream of a time When your heart was open wide, and you love things just because Like the sick and the dying.”

You were looking at a child version of you, probably five, so happy, so smiley. Your parents loved you then and you had felt that warmth until you reached middle school.

You missed the way they looked at you like you were the light of their lives, like you belonged with them. Your existence made them proud to call you theirs.

It all changed when they began taking longer leaves to their lab. They cracked down on you, made you feel worse and worse about being average.

“And sometimes, when you’re on, you’re really fucking on And your friends, they sing along and they love you.”

You thought back to the four turtles, April, Casey, Master Splinter. They gave you love your parents never did. They are proud of you. They don’t see you as merely average, but an outstanding fighter with a brilliant mind.

There was an ache beginning to form in your skull. Your head was hurting. All of these memories being pulled out, sobbing for so long, thinking of your past and present life. The scene changed to another more recent memory.

“But the lows are so extreme, that the good seems so fucking cheap And it teases you for weeks in its absence.”

You hadn’t gone to visit the turtles in a few days, you didn’t even text them. You were losing your mind trying to study for an intense exam coming up. Notes were littered on the kitchen table and your laptop played notes videos that taught you nothing. The fear of failure continued to push you, though, even if that meant ghosting the turtles for a few days.

But they came to check up on you.

“But you’ll fight, you’ll make it through You’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up And a better daughter or son And a real good friend.”

The four climbed in through your window and you calmed down. Donnie recognized the work and walked you through it, Leo made you some tea and listened to your ranting, Mikey allowed for a few minutes of mindless distraction, and Raph encouraged you to release some stress through some playful sparing on the roof.

Oh, how you appreciated them.

You put your foot down that day. You vowed to yourself that you’ll be by their side no matter what, facing who knows what challenges. You may have your own ups and downs, but these were friends you were not willing to give up so easily, not like you had allowed with your peers in the past.

You may be below average in the eyes of your parents, but you have a new family. A better family. The turtles, Master Splinter, April, and Casey.

“And your ship may be coming in You’re weak, but not giving in And you’ll fight it, you go out fighting all of them.”

You heard a click. Maybe you were going crazy? Then a hissing. Then a voice came over the intercom.

“Stop fighting it, Y/N. It’ll be a lot easier for all of us if you just let it happen,” Stockman’s voice rang through your ears. What was he talking about? It was then that you noticed that the memory before you was glitching and there was no music playing. “Whatever you’re doing, stop it.”

You moved without thinking, standing up straight and squaring your shoulders. With trembling fingers, you moved your hands up to the metal contraption that was holding you hostage with your own memories and traumas.

“What are you doing? Stop it!” Stockman shouted over the intercom. This would ruin his ‘research,’ effectively destroying his work on this matter.

“You really had me in the first half, not gonna lie.” You pulled the helmet off of your head and blinked as light flooded into your vision. You turned to face a camera in the corner of the room. “But you underestimate me. I’m strong, Stockman. I survive.” With that, you smashed the helmet against a nearby wall with as much force as you could muster up. Upon impact, it shattered onto the floor. The mechanical bits were now loose and visible, but you continued to stomp on it, making sure it still wasn’t usable.

“No! No my work,” Stockman cried out, mourning the loss of his invention that left you way more messed up than you already were.

But yet now there was a sense of strength and belonging. You were where you needed to be.

You looked around the room you were in, trying to find a way out, and then you spotted a door hidden in the corner on the other side of the room. You took off in a sprint and were able to make it out of the room and were surprised when you found yourself in a sewer. You were less surprised to hear fighting down one end. You followed the sound.

“Surrender, my daughter,” Splinter’s voice echoed through the tunnel you were running through. “You are defeated. My sons and Y/N are free.” His voice made you pick up your pace and soon enough, you were watching him face off with a giant white mutated snake- Karai.

Splinter’s words seemed to anger Karai and she let out a growl. “I’ll never surrender to you!” She shouted, her voice echoing off of the dark walls that surrounded them. She charged at him. “Never!”

It was easy enough for Splinter to overpower his daughter and throw her to the ground, but you knew that mentally, it was a difficult task for him.

“Miwa.” Splinter tried to reason with her, only to earn a hiss before she jumped off of the platform in the middle of the opening and into the water below.

That water was the only thing keeping you away from Splinter and April, who were both still on the platform. You looked around, trying to find a way to cross to the platform as Splinter began chanting. It was easy to recognize that he was trying to call upon the ancient scrolls, but you couldn’t tell which one. When Karai reappeared behind him, he was able to dodge her attack and planted his own.

“I love you, Miwa.”

It was easy to remember your place in all of this now. You were a sidekick, helping the turtles until all of this was over. You were never a part of their family, they already had one. A stray tear fell down your cheek and landed on the rusty metal tunnel.

You let yourself watch as Karai fell into the water, you were too far to help her. April had to hold Splinter back as he tried to lunge over the the side for his daughter.

That’s when you all heard Tigerclaw’s voice from above. “Your victory has come at a price, Yoshi-san.” In his hands was a rifle that he pointed at Splinter. You all heard it begin to power up and you could have kicked yourself for not looking for any weapons before making your way over here.

However, a sword sliced at his gun, sending it flying towards the floor. Everyone’s gaze followed where the sword came from only to see the turtles jumping down from the ceiling.

“Sensei!”

“April!”

Once they had landed, Tigerclaw flew away, an evil laugh echoing off the walls of the tunnel he flew into.

”Where’s Y/N?” Leo asked, looking around the expanse of the area. That’s when you called out.

“Over here!” It didn’t escape you how your voice pitched up in the middle of your call and took a deep breath. You eyed your surroundings and pinpointed a few pipes you could use to make your way over to them.

When you landed, Splinter spoke up. “I trust that you are all unharmed.”

Physically? Yes. Mentally? Psychologically? You turned away from the group so they wouldn’t see the tears threatening to escape once more.

“Sensei?”

“What happened?”

Donnie and Leo both asked.

Splinter moved to steady himself, using the edge of the console to assist him. “She forced me into combat, but the Healing Hands I used on her were meant to help her, not harm her.” You felt the air in the room grow thicker. “I fear that we will never see Miwa again.”

Leo moved to stand behind Splinter. “Never give up hope.” He placed his large three fingered hand onto his father’s shoulder. “That was the greatest lesson you taught me as a kid, Sensei.” That prompted Splinter to turn around and look at everyone before him.

You couldn’t bring yourself to look back. The strain of having your memories pulled out of the darkest shadows of your mind to shine at the forefront still weighed you down.

Splinter stood up, placing an arm around Leo’s shoulder. “Come, let us go home.”

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autumnslance · 1 year ago

Text

FFXIV Write 2023 Day 16: Jerk

The skies were still red, the people weary and shaken. Aeryn made her way through the city to direct them to the assembly, for Vrtra’s announcement. In the Bazaar, she saw most of the shops closed up, the merchants filing out, but one stall remained open, the Raen man tending to it focused on his stock.

“Sir,” she called from the counter. “There’s to be an announcement.”

“I’ll hear about it later,” he said. “If you intend to purchase something—” he turned, and gasped. “Aeryn?”

Aeryn blinked up at the man. His tan skin contrasted against his scales, his hair blond, horns curling forward. His turquoise eyes were wide at the sight of her. “Danavat?”

“Ha! Haven’t seen you for a time,” he laughed, the sound slightly hollow. “Heard you went off to Eorzea after your brother.”

“I did,” she said. “My friends and I are here to help now.”

“Help? The sky is burning and people turn into monsters! What can you do to help that?”

“We’ll figure it out,” she said. “This is what we do.”

He peered at her. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

She nodded.

He laughed again. “Zaine’s brat little sister, thinking she’s some kind of hero.” He shook his head.

Aeryn sighed. “Believe what you will,” she said. “You should go to the square, though. The satrap has an announcement.”

“I heard the satrap is dead,” he said woodenly.

“Danavat, just come along. I promise, it will be worth it.”

“And if I refuse? Will you knock me down and drag me by the horn?”

“Your tail would work better for it,” Aeryn said lightly. “But no; you will do as you will.”

“Hmph. Perhaps you have changed; at least you seem to have a better hold of your temper.”

“I wish; I’m simply tired after…everything, the last…however long it’s been.” What time was it, even? With the starshower, she had lost track, only knowing everything ached and she was utterly exhausted. “Though you are still a jerk.”

He laughed, a little more genuinely this time. “All right, brat; I’ll go to the square for this announcement. It’s killed all business this afternoon anyway.”

“I’m sure your brother won’t mind.”

“My brother is among the missing,” he said shortly. “It seems I may have inherited his business. I hope not.”

She winced. “I’m sorry.”

Danavat sighed. “I know. Me too.” He finished closing the stall.

Aeryn turned to look down the row. “I think everyone else is gone, but I should—”

“Announcement in the square!” Danavat bellowed. “Make your way or be drug!” He smirked down at Aeryn. “There. Anyone left now knows.”

She couldn’t help the annoyance in her face and voice. “You really are a jerk still, Danavat.” She turned and began walking back to the square.

“I’ll have you know I can be perfectly charming,” he said, walking along with her. “If you’d not been such an ice queen and deigned to let me court you, you might have learned that.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ugh, never would have worked. Cuz you’re a jerk.”

“And you’re a brat. But one I’d still invite to dinner at the Mehane after this announcement.”

“Seriously?” She scowled up at him. He was grinning, and she could never tell if he was serious or not, even now. “Anyroad, I’m spoken for.” She showed her bracelet.

“Ha! Some things do change, it seems. They must have the patience of a saint.”

Aeryn laughed. “Something like that.” They continued walking.

“I heard about your brother,” Danavat said quietly as they reached the stair leading to the square. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. Me too,” she replied. She looked around and found her fellow Scions. “There are my friends I—”

“Then see you around, brat,” Danavat said with a smirk, heading into the crowds to get a better view.

She watched him, not as irate as she might have once been. Or perhaps it was the weariness again.

Or even just the relief at seeing yet another familiar face, even a contentious one, safe—for now.

Aeryn sighed and rejoined the Scions for Vrtra’s announcement.

(Danavat first appeared in a Febhyurary prompt)

#final fantasy xiv #ffxivwrite2023 #Lyn Writing #Endwalker #Thavnair #aeryn striker

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the-type-a · 1 year ago

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Some random HCs?💕

Whenever Duncan gets released from Juvie/Breaks out, instead of going home he heads straight for Courtney’s house(even if it means he’s sitting on a bus for 5+ hours) Doesn’t matter if it’s day or night, he just crawls in her window and gets comfortable, she always gets startled to see him in her room or crawling in the window but it happens a lot to the point that she just lets it happen.

Duncan starts to need glasses after a couple years, maybe years of straining his eyes from sneaking around in the dark, carving small details in his wood projects, getting hit in the eye during fights & just genetics starts to affect him when he gets older. He doesn’t wear them all the time, only when he really needs to lol

Duncan might be an absolute menace to other people but when it comes to animals it’s canon that he’s the opposite, so if he sees a stray dog on the street, if he doesn’t take them in himself, he definitely gives them food, water & warmth before he makes his way again

Sorta attached to that last HC but it’s canon that he’s attacked wild animals (deers, alligators, raccoons, etc.) so I just wonder if he specifically just doesn’t like wild animals? If so, why? 😳 Maybe he’s been hunting before or has hunters in his family, which ultimately is something him, Bridgette & DJ definitely argue about.

So I still HC that Courtney tends to get lost in her thoughts and spaces out A LOT, but whenever she does and if Duncan catches her, he immediately takes a picture.. he has a whole folder in his phone with Courtney completely unaware of things happening around her, his favorites are the ones where she looks a little cock-eyed lmfao she fights him to delete them fr

Duncan is definitely a sassy boyfriend, in fact he was a sassy boyfriend before it was a thing fr

He indulges in some drugs but can’t handle psychedelics, first time he tried he had a bad trip & decided that it’s not for him, Courtney would prefer if he didn’t do anything at ALL.

So we all know that Duncney pets are not necessarily the traditional type of pet(shout out garbage gang) so I can definitely see them getting a Capybara. Like.. just that, cuz why not?

On the Island Raccoons come around the camp a lot, everyone’s confused as to why they’re around so much, except Courtney because she secretly feeds them marshmallows lol she won’t admit this this tho because it’s common knowledge not to feed the wildlife but they’re just lil’ babies fr✨

Whenever Duncan gets angry his accent comes out lol OOH or the older he gets it becomes more prominent lol

after one of the many breakups, Courtney does drunk karaoke and sings “I have nothing - whitney Houston” and she’s a little too loud and passionate about it… (I heard an ai version of cartman singing it and I DIED 💀)

Courtney is a NERD, idc and I’m not talking about just being smart, she definitely gets too into fantasy books/series, she hyper fixates on stuff, she had NO DRIP in middle school(once Duncan sees some old photos of her, he roasts tf outta her), she had braces & stayed home even when she was invited out. She may be a mean baddie now but like.. I need this girl to be a complete dork and I love that for her fr

I love these 💜

Courtney could be fast asleep and hear her window open and just know it’s Duncan. She doesn’t even question it anymore, she just moves over so he has room to hop in and cuddle.

Duncan needing glasses would be the funniest thing ever. He’s slowly turning into his father and he hates it. What’s next? Balding? With the way he constantly bleaches and dyes his hair I’d say the odds are not in his favor.

Duncan has brought home so many strays Courtney made a rule that they can’t stay longer than one night. He just takes them to DJ’s now— he never cares lmao

Duncan and wild animals? They seem to be equals. Kinda like the whole, “pick on someone your own size.” It’s a problem.

Ah yes, Duncan 100% has folders of just Courtney. And it’s safe to say one folder is not appropriate and they definitely fight about it.

Courtney definitely rubbed off on him before they were even official. They’re so cute 💀

Duncan tripping out would literally be the funniest thing. I would pay good money to witness it.

Imagine Duncney being so rich they have homes in different countries and they have a capybara somewhere in South America lmao

HC, Courtney actually hates the marshmallows because of what they are made of and sneakily gives them to the raccoons. She only takes a bite out of that one to assert her dominance when Sadie gets bored off 😂

Imagine Duncan being so pissed he just starts flipping out in Italian. Chris has to cut that footage because he just knows it’s not in good taste.

Just the thought of Courtney singing that gave me goosebumps. She would put her whole soul into and imagine Duncan hearing it? OOOOHHHHH

Yeah, Courtney for sure was a nerd. Her taste in music is another example of it— classical music and instrumentals. It’s not entirely her fault though, her parents play a major role. But once she’s old enough to actually enjoy others company (kb5) she comes out of her shell A LOT.

#the-type-a #duncney #td courtney #td duncan #total drama courtney #total drama duncan #ragamuffin-bites

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depressedhatakekakashi · 9 months ago

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3/7/8/16/19 for hmmm.....Sai (and Tsunade if you want)

Least favorite canon thing about this character?

This is hard cuz Sai is my child, but i’d have to say his obsessive fixation on dicks.

I get it, he wasn’t socialized properly cuz Danzo. But like, sir. Please. That’s enough. We’ve heard it all.

Take mercy on us and stop.

What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Give him more depth with Team seven and officially recognize him as part of the team XD

Oh, but also just really soft Husband Sai. He’s such a sweetie and he’s trying his best and i love that for him.

What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

When they treat him like ‘just a sasuke replacement’ ignoring that they are two vastly diffrent characters and no matter how much another character says they might ‘look alike’ they do not.

Like litterally other than being created by the same dude with the same art style, they share no real characteristics in design or personality. Yes he was a replacement for Sasuke in team Seven/team Kakashi, but he is not a Sasuke replacement all around.

Stop it.

What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Sakura/Sai.

Love Sakura, hated how she treated Sai and how we never see her grow up to treat him better. Like people complain about her hitting Naruto (and i get it it’s a joke aspect of anime i have seen in so many anime’s. Sakura is not the only one who does this) but Sai gets hit for simply missing social cues or being drug around by Naruto even when he’s arguing with what Naruto wants to do (will of fire movie for example. Sai was protesting leaving the hospital but Sakura still hit BOTH Naruto and him)

How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Hmmm, i want to say Yamato mostly cuz they could have BONDED MORE DAMN IT THEY WERE LITERALLY RAISED AND USED BY THE SAME DOUCHBAG.

But i’ll also happily go with Sakura and Sai because Sai is so dedicated to Team Seven and Naruto but never actually gets to grow a close proper bond with Sakura

Which is CRIMINAL

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ghostwoodcountryclub · 1 year ago

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Morrison Lives

Once upon a time when I lived in LA I went up to Malibu to meet a model friend for dinner. Her photoshoot was running late so I happened upon a bar a few blocks away from the restaurant to hang & wait for her. The place was dark & empty with a western saloon ambiance that didn’t match the Malibu beach town vibe but suited me fine.

Inside there was only a couple by the windows up front, the bartender & myself & someone tucked into a booth way in back. There was a jukebox full of Classic Rock & I had plenty of dollars in my pocket so I couldn’t resist cranking up some tunes. The haunted majesty of “When The Musics Over” by The Doors came on & I nearly dropped my beer when a wretched guttural howl erupted from the back booth!

I was even more surprised that the barman & the couple in front didn’t turn to look or register any sign that they had heard the same sudden sound. How could it be that I was the only one who heard this primal scream? I looked at the howler, who was surrounded by empty glasses in his isolated corner & became slightly unsettled to find him staring back at me. Time slowed to a standstill as he emerged from the shadows & sauntered over to me. He appeared disheveled but in an elegant way. As I got a closer look I saw that his clothes weren’t the tattered rags of a street sleeper but rather expensive tailored fabrics with intricate embroidery & leathers that looked like they hadn’t been properly ironed or cleaned in years. He had a long shaggy unkempt beard & wild long hair streaked with silver, like a wise elder lion who had forsaken regular haircuts decades ago.

The intensity of his eyes was striking. He walked right up to my place at the bar, leaned against it, fixed me with a soul-searching stare & calmly asked -

“Hey man… did you put this music on?”

He grinned when I said I did, the grey waves of his beard rising & falling as he smiled. He turned toward the barman & requested “Two Bushmills on the rocks for my new friend & I, on my tab please.” The bartender replied “Of course James.”

Despite my initial intimidation at his eccentric appearance, his demeanor put me at ease & we fell into a deep conversation about music, history, poetry, California & American culture. A few cold beers later I realized I’d soon miss my dinner plans if I didn’t excuse myself from the fascinating dialogue I was engaged in with this odd stranger named James. I explained that I had to meet a friend nearby very soon & was reluctant to end our engaging debate. He understood & thanked me for my company, then insisted all my bar tab be added to his. He asked if I wouldn’t mind if he joined me for a smoke outside as I made my way on. I had a few minutes to spare before my rescheduled reservation. Outside the quiet street was deserted, yet James looked left & right & back at the bar to see if anyone else was walking out before he took a step closer to me, lowered his baritone voice & gave me this confession:

“Listen man, I haven’t hung with anyone with the same appreciation & understanding of poetry in music as you for a long time, so before you go I want to tell you my secret. You can believe it or not, & I don’t care if you tell anyone else someday because they won’t believe you. But just promise me you won’t tell anyone the name of this bar cuz I dig it here & I don’t want anyone to come looking for me.”

I promised the same & he continued.

“The truth is I was once a very famous singer in a very famous band. We had a great run & made amazing wonderful music but I got in all kinds of trouble & got backed into a corner I didn’t know how to escape. I mean real serious hassles - issues with cops & the court system & the media & my friends & lovers… & ugly drugs were killing my friends every other day it seemed…”

He trailed off, staring at the ground, then a moment later looked me in the eyes again.

“I knew deep down if I didn’t make a drastic change soon I would be the next tragedy in an early grave. So I flirted with Death & decided to write my own ending. I went to Paris to vanish from the American media, then with the help of my most trusted friends I faked my own death.

I didn’t know if it would work but it did & I’ve lived a secret life of anonymous freedom ever since. I get secret payments from my sister through royalties from my own estate & I still write poetry & put it out under different names. It’s great cuz no one cares or knows me or makes the connections to my old work, even though I leave clues along Moonlight Drive all the time.

This might all sound crazy to you & you’d be right. It is crazy. But remember, The Truth is only what you really believe…”

I was pretty much speechless having heard all this, so we parted warmly & I rushed off to the restaurant. I often think of this strange encounter, questioning if it was all a dream. Any time I’ve been in Malibu since I’ve tried to find that saloon again but for all my efforts I never have. No online or local info can help me so I’ve concluded it was a singular vision that only existed in that moment, easily recalled but forever out of reach to fully grasp again…

So did I meet the real JIM MORRISON some 30-odd years after he successfully faked his own death & enjoy arguing about various bands over Irish whiskey with him in a mysterious dark bar that vanished as quickly as I found it?

Remember, The TRUTH is only what you believe it is…

#jimmorrison #the doors

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chibelial · 3 months ago

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Whenever I had to have my heart surgeries as a kid, they’d have to give me roughly 6x the normal amount of pain meds for someone my weight; and I’d still feel it and have extremely high blood pressure. My bodies tolerance for drugs is fucking insane. Most of the time they’d actually end up giving me a dose of perc along with a pain med cocktail and the mix would FINALLY get my blood pressure to a safe level. I’d still feel pain, but it was manageable, obviously given I was a lil toddler on perc plus enough painkillers to make my 6 foot dad lose consciousness 3 times over.

The reason I bring this up is two-fold; first being that the pharmaceutical bill from my hospital visits was always always always magnitudes higher than the cost of everything else combined. Drugs are that fucking expensive even when they’re your only option while hospitalized.

The other reason is, I’ve had addictive tendencies my whole life. Especially with food and substances. Now whatever degree of addiction proneness I didn’t get from my mom, cuz a bit of it is her lol, my therapist thinks I may have started to develop as a baby/toddler due to the sheer amount of hard drugs they pumped little toddler me with. I mean I had post surgery cardiac events that nearly killed me, more than once, all because my pain was extremely high and unfortunately so has my bodies drug resistance. So my current psych heard all this and was like.. “you had multiple near death experiences and were immediately given actual perc plus intense pain med cocktails. It’s a wonder you weren’t stealing pills by age 10.”

I even had like, a heaven esque dream during my.. 3rd(?) surgery. I was only like 3, had no idea what Catholicism was or anything, but I remember the sky was stark white and almost as bright as the sun. There were giant friendly people in robes guiding me around, and some had bird heads, and then there was one thats just a giant talking bird way larger than the any of the other people/things here, and they carried me over a bridge out of the city. They were telling me stuff about where we were going but for some reason I couldn’t focus on what the words were at all, and I suddenly just got terrified and just ran back across towards the city. Oh yeah the city itself, this place was honestly like the emerald city from Wizard of Oz if it were silver or white, not quite sure what color it was? Almost pearlescent like opal, hard to describe. Anyway I ran back across and after that I don’t remember much but I told my family how vividly I remembered that dream and they were like ffs kid, that’s heaven, we think?

#personal #dreams #the readmore cuts have been bugging for me again so sorry if it’s missing

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jodilin65 · 33 years ago

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MONDAY, MARCH 30, 1992 Tomorrow, I must go to the bank and cash my check and also to Price Rite. Also, call the doctor I saw and have him call in a refill for Theodur. Gather documents needed for an appointment on Tuesday with an intake worker for benefits. Gotta call Mary Jane and see what my rent’s gonna be and still I must go to Thame’s Plaza. I will ask the pharmacist at Genovese about Lactaid tablets and my bloating before my period. There’s something called Pre-Sym and I want to ask him about it or call a GYN. When I get my medical cards I’ll follow through with my stomach and see a GYN and a dentist.

FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 1992 After giving my number out to several people, I figured sooner or later I’d get pranks. It wasn’t your typical prank, however. I must back up a bit at the beginning. About a week ago I ended up talking to a very pretty woman in Price Rite. The conversation about a band came up. She said she knew people so I gave her my number. A few days ago the girl (Laurie) called from her phone. I spoke to a guy named Lyle who said he didn’t have a phone but lived next door to Laurie. They both have two kids and live with them by themselves. This guy Lyle explained how he isn’t in the band but helps set up equipment and get gigs, I guess. The guy that heads the band is Rick and he lives in Willimantic while he and the other 3 members live here in Norwich. I explained how I had no car and wanted to meet here as I feel funny about jumping into a car with people I don’t know. He said he understood as he mentioned they were all at some club that night trying to get weekly gigs and he was gonna go there. He asked if I wanted to go and Laurie did too, but she was to be busy. So, then I mentioned where I live and he lives 4 doors down. Neat, huh? Laurie lives here too, and Barb knows them. Lyle came over and we talked for a while. I explained upfront about my being anti-drugs and wanting to keep business separate from pleasure. He said he understood and no one in the group even smoked cigarettes. He said Rick was a quiet friendly guy and they work together as mechanics and grew up together. Fine, I said but I wanted to meet him here. He said he’d talk to Rick and give him my number. A couple of days ago he knocked on my door but I didn’t answer cuz I was too tired. I was awake but had only slept 3 hours. Then Barb called saying Lyle was over there at her place and I spoke with him. I haven’t spoken to him since then and I was gonna stop over at his place today but he was out. I will go over to his place tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I got a call from what I think was a teenage guy. One claimed to be 17 and another to be 14. There were 3, 4, or maybe even 5 high school kids, I guess. They never stated my name, age or address and even said they forgot my number, then remembered it. They said, or one guy did, he was Lyle’s cousin. He didn’t live here but knew Barb and a few others and that Lyle and Barb were at this bar. Performing or not, I do not know. Was their band there, I have no idea. Or were they just there to be there? They never were perverted in any way. They asked what my age was. Did I think I was pretty? Am I married? Who am I talking to? Will I marry him? He loves me, etc. He knows 5-6 gay people, males and females, listened to the edits and was read mumbo-jumbo by me.

We spoke a few times and he got several calls in between. I know there was no way they were next door. They don’t have call-waiting next door. Plus, with so many people and loud voices, I surely would’ve heard them. It was fun and brought old-time fun back since I can’t afford to get my ass in trouble. I told them to call anytime they want and to entertain my machine if I don’t answer.

Now, I have a shocking thing to tell and a nice thing. The shocker is, I got a check in the mail for $30 from Brenda! How nice. For the stereo. She didn’t have to do that. I mean, she could’ve said, “What the fuck?” She bought me lots of stuff and I’d forgotten all about it and figured she had too. It’s perfect timing as I have no money until the 1st. Here’s where it gets weird, though. I called to thank her and I know it was she who answered. I told her I got the check and she goes, “Did you?” Then, the line went dead. I’m not too sure whether it did go dead or if she hung up. If she hung up, why? I tried calling back and it rang and rang and rang. Then all I got was a busy signal. I’ll try again tomorrow and if I can’t reach her, I’ll write to her.

I also got a letter from Kim.

THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 1992 At this point, I don’t really have too much to say.

I spoke with Andy and told him how much I still can’t stand it here. Mary Jane told me she’d keep me in mind for the elderly project. I hope that soon they tear down the wall between the 4-bedroom and 1-bedroom apartments. I mean, if Barbara got a notice about it right before I moved in how much longer can it be? Mary Jane didn’t know. All she said was “in the future.” When I asked what would be done with the 1-beds and the people who live in them, she said they were gonna be phased out. They were gonna do away with them. Hey, great! They can phase me out. I’ll help them tear down the walls. Other than Valleyhead and Brattleboro I’ve never wanted to move so bad. But as Tammy said, they’ve got to place us somewhere after this is done. They can’t just leave us on the streets in a snowbank.

I babysat today for Sarah and Becky while Tammy went to the doctor.

MONDAY, MARCH 23, 1992 I sure had an unexpected, unwanted and terrifying event today. A grease fire. Well, the rooms may not have all been on fire, as Stevie’s song says, but my oven surely was. I had gone grocery shopping and on my way out, I ran into Barb and Dougie. She gave me a ride home. When I got in I put my food away and threw a steak in my oven on broil. I had it on a small cookie sheet on tin foil with the reflective side down. Sure enough, as I went to open the oven door cuz I heard a lot of crackling, the damn steak was on fire. I threw open the door, turned off the oven, opened the doors and windows and called Barbara. I got a busy signal and called 911 as the entire state of CT is 911, unlike MA. In Springfield, it was 911 but in Deerfield, it wasn’t.

My phone rang and it was Tammy. She was at the fire department when she heard the call. Luckily, the fire went out after I opened the door and I turned off the stove. During Tammy’s call, Barb and Dave flew over here. Obviously, they heard my smoke detector and my frantic call. That was very nice of them and Tammy was grateful, too. Barb told Tammy she’d stay till the fire department came and would always come over if she knew something was going on here.

Dave said the place looked great.

Barb showed me a tray that was in my oven since I moved in. That’s what I should’ve used by placing the steak on the top which is a rack and letting the grease fall under into the tray.

So the fire people came and inspected, but it was under control at that time. One firefighter said the stove was ok and that the steak looked good. He goes, “It looks like a damn good barbecue steak. I’d heat it up and eat it.”

Yes, it was a very very barbecued steak.

Another firefighter was the cable guy. He told me at the time he came to hook up my cable how he was a private detective and gave me his card. Also a volunteer firefighter. I called and told Dad, and he said you never close the door all the way when you’re broiling.

I hope tomorrow I get Ma’s package and Bob’s letter.

Later…

I got a wild letter from Bob but no package. Bob did warn me last night that it would be wild due to his state of mind at the time. It’s pretty funny, but there’s one part where he’s wrong about me. Where he said I must always want sex, but I don’t compared to the average person. Also, saying that I’d be willing to try whatever’s at hand is not true, desperate or not. God only knows I’m the pickiest person alive. I wish I wasn’t, though, cuz it’d be easier not to be so picky.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 1992 Well, I guess I didn’t get to write much the other day. When you’re babysitting 3 kids, you cannot write in a journal. I babysat from 2 PM to 10 PM. Tammy and Bill went out to dinner and a movie. I’d also done 4 loads of laundry.

There was a message from Jessie when I returned from babysitting. She never called back till last night but my father called that night while I was putting my laundry away. He and Ma sounded in an ok mood. Actually better than usual. Especially Mom. Once a year she’s in a jolly old mood. Perhaps it’s cuz she just had come back from Disneyland. Or Disneyworld. Whichever one it is. After the dispute, Tammy said she had with them, I sort of suspected they’d be a little more cheerful with me. I have a package on its way from UPS, and the girls got one too, while I was at the house. Dad says there’s hair stuff in the package along with other stuff. I really hope I get my microwave soon.

As far as dumping them, I’ll leave that up in the air for now. I am no longer speaking to them that often and never would if the calls were free. That’s when the trouble starts. People like them are always easier to deal with if you only speak so much to them. Unless something’s done that really irks me, I’ll leave things as they are. They don’t know it, but they are on their last chance. One more thing is all it’ll take for them to lose me and if no one can believe that, well, they’ll just have to wait and see, won’t they?

I should be getting a letter from Bob next week sometime. I did what Bob told me to do as far as making plants from other plants. I broke off a twig of 4”, threw it in a glass of water, put it in my kitchen window and now I have roots. I’ll get some planting soil tomorrow when I go food shopping. I need to go very badly, too. I’m completely wiped out of food. I only have around $76 till I get my check so I’ll have to shop wisely. I won’t need only food, but there are cigarettes, too. I wish I could quit!

Tammy went through exactly what I went through with the Nicorette gum with her patch. She still has bad urges and is smoking a few cigs daily.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 1992 When Tammy was making pork chops for dinner earlier, she said something so funny. I don’t know if she was kidding or serious, and I was like, ok, whatever. Her beliefs are her beliefs, but I never believed or understood or even heard of any such thing. She told me she said a prayer over the pork chops so that made them kosher. Does that mean that if I said a prayer over Gloria’s picture that it’s kosher? It just sounds so funny and has me laughing to myself.

I meowed with Shadow for a while (he meows back when I meow), left a message on Andy’s machine, then called Bob. He was in the process of reading my letter and told me he’d write me a letter after we hung up.

The dinner with Kim went fairly well, but he still wishes she’d visit more. He’s lucky if he spends 5 minutes with her on the phone when she gets home from work. I’d get the same thing. When she was home it was nearly impossible to talk to her for 5 minutes without interruption. Her phone would ring, she’d have to make a call, run out to the store, go to class, go to a friend’s house, go to a family member’s house, go on an ambulance call. Bob said she did say she planned on seeing me some time. Wow. Maybe she did mean it. She did call me, after all. Who knows for sure whether or not she’ll ever call again or see me?

Bob also told me she said something I already knew. She had told me this personally, but even if she hadn’t it was quite obvious. She’s not satisfied with Mark cuz he never wants to do anything with her. Just drink beer, watch TV or be with his buddies. She’s sorry she married him. He was always a very quiet and mellow guy. Never been a conversationalist.

Bob really enjoys my letters late at night when he’s up bored stiff. He has fun figuring them out and putting them together. I can just imagine what’ll be in his letter. I write across the pages from bits and pieces of journals and backward. Bits and pieces of lines from the TV if I have it on at the time and running sentences together with no spaces between the words. Also, I’d include some Spanish, since I can’t write in sign language.

Later…

I hope that this April 12th at 12:30 PM, will not be the same as it was the last 8 years. This is something that is difficult to write about even though I’ve talked about it. Out of those that I have spoken to, very few have heard it in vivid detail. At least, the details I’m able to remember. Well, maybe I’m now ready to put those horrid memories on paper. I am only just beginning to be able to write more about certain people and events from my past. It does feel good to confront and deal with these issues rather than block them out. I mean, in this journal. Maybe it was hard for a while due to two reasons. One is that it’s quicker to speak words, rather than to write them. Two, is fear of anyone reading this, but who could? I don’t know too many people. Then again, do I really care who reads this?

Whatever my feelings are, I have a right to them. Whether they’re good or bad I must obviously feel certain feelings for a reason or else I wouldn’t feel them. More and more as time goes on, I’ve been talking less and less and writing more and more. This is what I wanted, though. I basically talk about trivial things unless I feel something’s important enough to say. Such as what’s been going on since moving in here. I know who to say what to and who not to say what to but I refuse to lie. I could’ve told my parents I was happy here. It would’ve sounded great and made their day but I’d have been lying. Of course, they try to condemn me for the truth and my true feelings but I don’t let anyone tell me how to feel. If that were possible, I wouldn’t desire to be a professional singer. God knows it’d sure be easier not to want to be.

As soon as I get a microwave, that’s it. I’ll miss my dad but it’s not worth my mother. Yes, the past is the past but it’s not that simple and it doesn’t end there. I blame my mother much more than my father but my father was still no angel. Plus, one has to take one moment and forget they’re your parents and just look at them as people. The individual people that they are. Who are they? Not my type. The packages of clothes and hair accessories were nice, but it doesn’t replace parents and good people. I don’t admire the people that they are but rather than set out to change them, as they would do, I’d just rather not be bothered with them. I’m tired of Mom’s moods and attitude. And cuz she’s too weak to admit to her mistakes, she’s got to try and stick her guilt, blame and shame on Tammy and I cuz she’s too weak to deal with her problems. To say, “I was wrong,” or “I should’ve been the one to seek help,” is too low for her. No, it’d be really lowering herself in her opinion. She’s too “strong” for that so it’s easier to say I’m the wacko. Much easier to avoid repairing the damage she’s done and continue to dump on her kids. She can only do it verbally now. Too bad and poor, poor Dureen.

Since Andy’s late on calling, as usual, I’ll get on now with April 12, 1983. It’ll be 9 years ago since the day I jumped. As most people know, there’s a difference between a memory, a thought, a dream and a flashback. I’d rather have nightmares than a flashback. Flashbacks are all too real. You’re reliving the whole situation out. You’re at that place, thinking you’re whatever age you were. Flashbacks are always of something traumatic. Never happy. They’re so terrifyingly real. Several therapists told me they’re common in most PTSD people. I could be asleep or up in a fantastic mood, but every April 12th at exactly 12:30 PM, it replays itself. All too real. All too scary. I’m scared. I must be home alone that day. For the last 9 years, there’s been no escaping it. Even if I’m busy, really happy and laughing my ass off. If I’m asleep, I bolt up wide awake. I relive the whole ordeal, believing it’s real, I’m there, it’s 1983 again, I’m 17 and I can see so much detail. More details than I can remember at any other time of year. Sort of like looking at a picture of a house, compared to standing right in front of it and seeing it in person.

I’ve been there 8 months, I walk into Debby B’s office for our session, and she says, “So. I hear you’re on suicidal observation?” I say yes and she knows I must have an “escort” at all times. Someone bringing you to and from places. She makes me feel worse about myself. She tells me I’ll be there another year and 4 months. Till August of 1984. I feel like a prisoner. A mass murderer. Trapped. A caged animal. She allows me to leave alone after the session. I’m scared. I’m miserable. Feel no good and good for nothing. Much worse. I want to scream out for help. Want to cry. What good will it do? No one will hear me. No one will care. I walk numbly into the wing, as they called it, then into room 13. The far wing towards the back of the house. I know I’m going to do something stupid. Something I’ll regret. I look out the window. It’s lunchtime. The other girls are passing by. They’re entering the back door. Into the cellar to come up for lunch. I want to scream for help. I know it’ll do no good. I’m trapped and I want out is what comes to mind. This isn’t fair! I’m not a bad kid. Somebody hear me! Somebody care! Help me! Love me! I’m trapped! I want out now! The girls are gone. I’m not a criminal. I’m just a girl whose mother felt it was easier just to cast aside like a piece of rotten fruit.

I can’t go on now. Another time, maybe.

TUESDAY, MARCH 17, 1992 I am in a very pissed-off mood and I don’t feel guilty for it. I hate it here. I absolutely hate it. I spoke with Dave and Barbara who spoke to the housing authority and called the office myself. A girl named Sue told me to wait till Mary Jane comes back since she’s the property manager.

I told Tammy about what Layne and Jenny told me. Supposedly a junkie who lives over in the next court was chasing them through the woods with a gun. People are trying to evict this guy. Also, I heard some other woman who I think lives next door to Dave and Barb, mention a few things. I heard her mention Mary Jane but how or why I don’t know. All I know is that they sound pretty pissed and frantic about a lot of stuff going on around here. Something about a state trooper molesting his kids and another drug bust. Several other things were mentioned concerning this area, but I couldn’t hear enough to find out exactly.

I told all this to Tammy and how I felt bad for her. She went through all this shit to get me here, not able to know about all this. Mainly the noise from next door and how this building is built. Dave again said it is a major dive and mentioned his father at the bottom of the hill and how Mary Jane should never have put me here. After Tammy heard all this from me, Barbara, and then having been here to see and hear it firsthand, she said she’s gonna talk to Mary Jane and tell her I must be moved. The noise is horrendous outside as well as all day on weekends and from 3 PM - 8 PM on weekdays. I’m sick of having to blast my music to block out what sounds like a whole football field of kids. To try and talk on the phone at that time isn’t easy. It’s totally annoying.

Now for the better news. Last week I called Cassandra and started off by saying I was her neighbor and to turn her stereo down. At first, she was completely caught off guard. It was a bad night for her to talk, though, so she returned my call and did the same thing to me. I told her I really did have lots of complaining to do and filled her in on the entire situation.

Damn, do I miss my old place! Of course, not the isolation, but as I told Tammy, certain compromises aren’t acceptable.

Cassandra gave me a number of a very prestigious modeling company exactly like the one that was at the Sheridan till I got cursed. Tonight they were in Holyoke and I’m gonna call to see when and if they’ll be in this area. It sounded very legit and non-sleazy like the other one. It’s for kids and men as well as women and doesn’t require any experience. I’d really love to check this out and I mentioned it to Tammy. I hope having no car won’t botch it up if I ever break into any other possibilities again. Important things to me. Music-related or not.

Fran and Jessie called last night. Of course, at the same time and while a movie was on, but I was recording it, luckily. I was laughing while I told Tammy about Fran’s problem and my response to it. Not the CP lady whose name is Melissa, but Sharon who I’ve taped before, went off on Fran. According to Fran, she and he have had numerous loud fights. Once Sharon pulled off the fire alarm so now he says he’s being evicted. He may move to Winter St. I said to Fran how I envied him and for the first time I really wish to hell I was being evicted.

Jessie and I had a nice talk but she poured her heart out to me all about David. All her boyfriends fuck her over but she settles for the wrong reasons. We discussed her dad’s home in Hawaii and how much both of us want to go. Her father just put in a 9-person hot tub. He has really expanded his house in Woodstock, CT. I’ve never been to his place in New York near the set of Sesame Street but I heard he may have gotten another house in Germany or Paris. Jessie says she’s definitely going to go for a month to Hawaii but doesn’t want to go alone. We’ve discussed my going with her and she’s told me she’s definitely going to talk to Caroll. Cuz Caroll knows me, according to Jessie, all I need to pay for is airfare and all else is paid. Jessie says, of course, there’s no hotel money, and she’s given a rental car to use, and they keep enough food in the house stocked up to serve an army for years. I wanna go!

MONDAY, MARCH 16, 1992 I wish Bob was a local call, let alone Fran and Andy. Andy works all night and Fran sleeps all night.

I wonder what in God’s name ever happened to Steve? Where did he move to?

I desperately wish I could sleep cuz I have a few things to do tomorrow. I hope it’s not bitter cold either. I must go to Genovese for more earplugs unless Barbara gets some. Also, I need to get cat food and cigarettes. And call Dr. Kamireddy who I saw who gave me a prescription for Habitrol and see if Prostep is ok.

Tammy said you can’t have any caffeine on this patch, or else you will puke. Great. I really need to quit, though, so it’s worth it. I’m just worried about my weight. Especially with summer on its way. Aren’t I always worrying about that anyway? I heard, however, that you can starve and exercise till there’s no tomorrow and you’ll still gain weight.

I am gonna have some toast and try to sleep. If I can’t, I’ll be back.

Later…

I’m back. I spoke to Bob for a few minutes and he and Kim are going out to dinner tomorrow evening. He has certificates for some restaurant and is gonna discuss funeral arrangements for Sandra with Kim. Poor Sandra’s miserable and is at the very end of her rope. Bob says Kim’s working 12-hour shifts but that’s nothing new. She’d leave at 7am and come home between 9pm–11pm, talk on the phone and go to bed. It used to irk me when she’d say, “Yeah, I’ll be home for two hours tomorrow. Come over so we can talk.” But out of those two hours, we were lucky if we spoke for 15 minutes cuz her phone would never stop ringing and she’d remember a billion calls she’d need to make.

Later…

I went to Genovese and bought 6 pairs of earplugs for $2.89. Of course, 6 pairs is really 12 pairs for me. I forgot about checking into the Lactaid tablets. I’m still bloated and it’s really pissing me off. I am still 100 pounds but I look like I’m 110-115 even though everyone disagrees with me. I feel very out of proportion compared to when Andy and I were always at the beach in 1989. They really mean it when they say muscle takes up space as well as fat. I’m definitely not fat, just bloated and muscular. The cause of the bloating’s definitely gas due to dairy foods. Maybe a little water, too. About 4 years ago, you could feel my muscles developing, but not see them. Then, you could see them with a bathing suit on or shorts or a mini skirt. Now, I can practically have a mattress on and people have mentioned it without me saying a word or bringing up the subject. I used to feel that my outer thighs and hips were fine. Now they’re not bigger but defined more so with ridges and ripples. So it’s muscle but too much bigger in a way and throws off the proportioning. My chest is even a little bigger. My bust is a 33, my waist is a 24, my hips are 33, lower gut’s a 29 and thighs are a 20. As you can see, my lower belly and thighs don’t go with the rest of me.

When I came back from the grocery store, I found a note from the NHA. They want to modernize the place and mentioned homeowners’ fair housing laws. Also stuff for redoing kitchens, bathrooms and other stuff in the area like eliminating drugs. Well, they sure are gonna hear my gripe about the layout of this building and I called Tammy who said go for it. When Tammy was here she heard an eighth of the problem but could just imagine the full extent of it when the kids are home. I called the office and the girl there said to fill out the form. They’re moving me somehow somewhere. The outside noise is horrendous too. Wait till the summer! No way. I’m gone before then. I mean, I’m outa here.

I also went to Price Rite as I mentioned before. My courtesy card came in and I got some cat food, TV dinners, coffee and a few other items. Rather than two oil treatments for $3.49, I found another brand for 3, plus another package of similar treatments all for $2.59.

It’s freezing out.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 1992 I slept 12 hours, and believe me, I needed it. I did wake up several times during the early morning and early afternoon due to next door’s commotion. I feel much better, though, that’s for sure.

Tammy is still doing well but has had 1 cigarette. I spoke to her at 4:00 this afternoon.

I got up and did my hot oil treatment after I took a bath. Tonight, since I know I’ll be up all night, I’ll work on my drawings and do some editing. Sometime I’ll have to record me and Shadow meowing at each other and edit that.

I’m gonna try calling Kim to see if she’s gotten my second letter, and maybe Bob, too. Jessie will surely call when I’m watching Columbo.

Right now I’m gonna finish my coffee, then go sing.

Later…

I did some singing and that has been much better and so has my breathing. However, if I get too little sleep and smoke too much it creeps up on me.

As I told Tammy before I moved here my usual schedule was crazier, but I at least was able to sleep. The things that used to wake me up back then were a joke compared to here.

There have been lots of things I hated and swore I’d never miss. Then once a certain situation worsens, I miss them like hell. The only other problem on Woodside, besides the noise outside or from Shadow, was Brenda. Her desperation and clinginess could not always stop her from ringing my doorbell. I had to tell her a billion times, then finally scream at her and cuss her out big time to get her to stop.

I just gave Shadow the rest of my chicken dinner. He really enjoys it outdoors. I usually have him in on his leash at night. When he wants to go out he goes to the door. I guess those earplugs do serve another purpose. That’s having him in at night. His metal leash makes so much noise clanking against the floor, his bowl and his litter box which the earplugs block out.

Time to go call Kim. If she’s home.

Later…

Bob’s phone was busy and there was no answer at Kim’s. I called Andy who said he received both my letters. The postmark said New Haven. He said the phone company removed his long-distance block, but he didn’t want to get carried away with ringing up his bill. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are his days off so hopefully, he’ll call me one of those days.

The movie is on now, but it’s in the middle of a commercial.

It’s still freezing out. I hope it starts warming up. I wanna go to the beach!

Andy says he’s counting down the days till we see each other. I can’t wait.

Later…

The Columbo movie was ok but not as good. Not the usual thing either. Rather than the usual murder plot, a policeman’s wife was kidnapped. Naturally, they saved her right before she was gonna be killed.

Last night I saw an amazing stunt show. The people involved in these stunts were suicidal in the worst kind of way. One man rode his motorcycle over two big 18-wheelers. There was a ramp on the back of one rig and one on the front of the first rig. Both rigs with their attached ramps drove forward 30 miles per hour. The second one was a guy in a speed boat and a guy water-skiing. They both went off one ramp while the skier went off the other. The skier did a somersault while in mid-air. Then, the guy in the boat flew off the ramp over 120 feet for a new world record. The last one was quite bizarre, called Dangerous Crossings, and that’s a great name for it. A plane flew 40 miles an hour just a few feet off the ground, careful not to be 3 feet higher cause of the car about him. A car would cross above the plane while a motorcycle would cross up above them both. It was awesome.

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, 1992 Last night I was so tired, but naturally, I lay there tossing and turning till 4:30 AM. I mentally programmed and told myself to get up at 10:00 and I did.

I was ready before noon but Tammy, Bill and the girls didn’t arrive till around 1:00. They all heard the banging next door, too. I told Barbara I could care less about the TV, music or even voices. It’s the fucking banging as the vibration is tremendous. I think it’s pretty sad and sick for me to have to put in earplugs just to lie down for an hour in the daytime or to go to bed early. The earplugs will block out their TV and voices but the vibration I can feel and it jolts me awake. No one should have to live like this. After the 24th when Mary Jane returns from some kind of surgery, I’m gonna demand something be done. If they can’t put sheetrock up and through their floors that are over mine, and I can’t move, I’ll demand a rent deduction. I mean, come on. There are things you can bear with and accept, and then there’s no fucking excuse. These kids should be able to be kids and run around and play, but it shouldn’t have to be at my expense. Even as I’m just sitting here writing, I don’t need to put up with banging over my head. And these aren’t occasional bangs. They’re loud and non-stop. Something is gonna be done about this. They’re lucky all I care about is the banging. The average person wouldn’t and couldn’t put up with their constant screaming and their TV. They don’t even have to scream to be heard easily. You can practically hear them word for word when they whisper.

Bill managed to program some channels into my VCR for recording. It took him a while and he too wanted to bash the damn thing with his head. Tammy did not get Habitrol or Nicoderm from her doctor. Instead, she was given a patch called Prostep. She said her doctor said that it was right for her, but may not be right for me, so I should check with my doctor. She’s gonna keep me posted on how she’s doing but I did speak to her at 7:30 this evening. She says she quit at 3:30 and she feels fine.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 1992 The last Friday the 13th I remember was when Mom visited, so I know this one can’t be that bad.

Mattie Ryan, the former DA of Springfield, was tossed out for corruption and his connection to organized crime members. He was on A Current Affair tonight. I called and told Tammy who was shocked and thrilled to see it, so she watched the 7:30 edition of it.

She’s gonna be here early in the morning, and I hope I get to sleep soon. She’ll also be here with Bill Saturday.

Tomorrow I have to go to Price Rite. Maybe my courtesy card has come in.

Later…

I went out to the store a couple of hours after Tammy and the girls were here.

Tammy said she only slept a few hours cuz of a bad ambulance call she had. Someone she knows had a bad seizure. I didn’t sleep too long either. At around 4:30 AM I began to doze off but was in such a light sleep for a while. I’d keep opening my eyes and see it get lighter and lighter. When the sun was halfway up, I finally fell into a deep sleep and stayed that way till Tammy came in at 11:00. That was cool as I figured she’d be here earlier. Like 9:00 or 9:30.

I had a bag full of clothes to give them. Last night I sorted through my drawers. I pulled every stitch of clothing out and sorted it out and refolded it. All that is left to rearrange are my closets and all the other shit I mentioned earlier.

Perhaps tonight I’ll put up my posters and more of my favorite pictures. Nah, I’m too bushed, but at least I have a few projects to look forward to. It’s no fun to do everything all at once.

I called city welfare and I need not have anything to do with them. At least that’s what I think right now till I’m told differently. One worker says one thing, and another says another.

Jessie called last night. Of course, she called when I was in the middle of watching TV. The phone never rings when I’m not doing much of anything, but if people can’t get ahold of me when I’m not busy they’ll have a hard time from now on. That’s cuz I’m gonna let my machine pick up whenever I’m busy. She’s been sick for 3 weeks, so she said she’ll call next week about visiting me.

Tomorrow, Tammy, Bill and the girls will be here between 11:00 and noon. I hope I get to sleep earlier so I can be up for a change when they get here.

I went to Price Rite today and spent $26 on food, but I shopped well and made it go a long way. On the 16th, my courtesy card will be in.

It only cost me $3 for a cab ride both ways. I thought it’d be $6. The driver says he knows people in bands and that he’d give my number to anyone looking for a singer.

Yeah, right.

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 1992 I just had a really nice talk with Tammy. First of all, she told me that last night she really let Mom and Dad both have it. She said at first Dad wouldn’t let her talk to Mom saying, “You’re upset and she’s upset.” Tammy then said that for 34 years Dad’s done nothing but stand back while Ma does her shit. That’s been the case for all 3 of us kids. Tammy said dad said not to go back 34 years which is definitely something my dad would say. However, I know that the past is the past and cannot be changed but sometimes one must bring up the past in order to make peace and deal with the present and the future. Mom and dad can’t seem to understand this.

The shocking thing about it all is that Tammy said that dad did say he felt bad, ashamed and embarrassed by what he’s done. Usually, if I’ve ever bitched about mom to him he gets pretty agitated and defensive of her. Tammy said she said to mom, “The bottom line is you see the moon and I see the sun. We can never agree on anything and you always go back and forth and are too contradicting.”

That is absolutely true, although Tammy herself has done the same thing. Not as much anymore as we had a discussion about that. Also about not taking me for face value. I told her that if there’s something I’m not sure about, I’d tell her so, but I’d never purposely mislead or BS her. There’s no point or need for either one of us to do that in this day and age.

She mentioned the prescription Habitrol which costs $129. I owe her $35 and will not get my medical cards for a while. I called Genovese and asked the price of the partial cost which is $50. I told her to get a prescription for it from her doctor and I’d pay my half and her half cuz I owe her money anyway. Then, when we can both afford the other half we can get it as the druggist keeps it on record that they owe you more meds. Then when I get my CT medical cards in 5 billion years, I can get it free of charge as I have the prescription here in my pocketbook. I will share that with her.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 1992 I spoke with Bob earlier. He sounds fairly good. Sandra sounds horrible from what Bob says. She’s at the end of her rope. He got my letter and says he’ll write me back soon. And call, too. I keep trying Andy but there’s no answer.

Later…

I just did my dishes and watered my plants.

Tomorrow I must get up at a decent hour to go to Thame’s Plaza for my discount on the installation of my phone, and to the electric company to prove I live here. Then all I have to do is wait for my medical cards to hurry up and get here. Then I’ll have no problem with doctors, prescriptions and seeing that therapist I never could see. I must also call SS and bitch them out and ask why it takes about 5 times of demanding proof of income documents before they finally send them to me. I’ll call city welfare too and tell them I called state welfare. I’m not sure if I’ve got to see them or deal with them in any way.

Other than that I must get shades and a washer and dryer.

And try quitting smoking.

There’s been a major breakthrough with asthma. Andy also told me about it last night. Somewhere in London, they narrowed down 100 genes or so. They know now that one out of those 100 genes is the cause of asthma. I still wish lungs were as disposable and changeable as a baby’s diaper.

You know what I’d just love to do right now? Go on a cruise. I spoke to dad about it and he told me to save up my money. Tammy tells me she’d love to go on a cruise. It would help if I had someone such as Tammy helping me with the details like airfare and other expenses. I mean, not expenses, but just helping me with getting to and from the airport and on and off the cruise ship. On TV they always advertise for Carnival Cruises which is out of Miami according to dad and that’s $545 including airfare. Also, as I figured, Tammy says it does include all your food and entertainment. I guess the only other expense would be if you were to buy anything. I’m sure they have a mini gift shop that costs a fortune to shop in. I’d really enjoy going on a cruise myself as that way there’s no tension from fighting, compromising or any disagreements. For example, if I went with Tammy and Bill and they didn’t want to eat dinner at 5:00 yet I was hungry then, I’d have no compromises to make. Also, I wouldn’t have to worry about Tammy saying I should or shouldn’t do this or that. Should wear this, shouldn’t wear that. The only perfect companion would be a drop-dead gorgeous woman. But only if she were beautiful and only expected an occasional get-together here and there. That way I wouldn’t be smothered and could enjoy my vacation peacefully. It’s hard to thoroughly enjoy something when you’re distracted constantly. Even if those distractions aren’t necessarily bad ones.

Later…

There are a few other things I want to do here at home besides organizing my hair stuff, jewelry and makeup, clothes, drawers, and closets. I must go through all my tapes and organize those and edit down conversations as well as do more editing.

I’d like to get a box large enough to fit all these journals in and lock them up. I’m not stupid and I know how sisters are. If I were to be away for a week, I wouldn’t put it past her to get a little curious. I may be living in their house for two weeks this June while they all go to Florida.

As for Shadow? I guess I’ll have to leave him either outside or on his leash or take him with me. I’d rather he be in on his leash and have someone bring me here every few days to feed him. Plus, I will need to pick up my mail and maybe get something from here.

When I go to the beach, I’m sure Tammy won’t mind dropping in to feed him and play with him for a while. Tammy did say that a friend of hers would bring me to the store if I needed to go and will check on me to be sure all is well.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 1992 As far as my prescriptions go, I should be all set till I get the CT cards. If only my other apartment I had in S. Deerfield was here! In this state, it would’ve been made affordable by both the state and the city without my parent’s help. In MA it is all done by the state. Just as soon as the cards are approved and I get them, I must make a very serious attempt to quit smoking and get that Habitrol prescription. If I cannot quit after really giving it everything I’ve got, then gonna seriously think I’m fated to die. I must do my best ever to try and quit permanently as I may very well have the beginnings of emphysema. I’m completely cornered and am running out of choices as far as making any more compromises. There is no more compromising as I’ve gotten so bad.

I spoke to my mom who was encouraging as well as Tammy who also needs to try and quit. She’s getting worse too, and is gonna try the Habitrol. It’s a patch you stick on yourself all day as nicotine is released through the skin. It sounds better than the gum. The gum gives you these chest palpitations and kills your jaw totally unlike ordinary gum. At first, my attitude was whatever’s meant to be will be. I have no real obligation holding me back such as kids, a job or a lover. I’ll only live for second best. Never be able to live my dreams, but not being able to breathe is a slow, painful way to go. I’d much rather fill up my bathtub and toss in my hairdryer if I had to go. Personally, I think I’m mad enough now as it’s been 4 years I’ve gone through this shit. At first, you’re a little annoyed, then scared and frustrated, then mad as you become completely trapped. I don’t want to waste this voice I never thought I’d have. It does me no good to sing well yet always have to cough and hack up phlegm.

I just stopped for a moment to call dad since I know mom won’t be back till tomorrow. She’s at Disneyworld and I was shocked to hear from dad just who she’s with. She’s with Ronnie, and dad says they haven’t seen each other for a few years. I thought they’d completely cut each other out like with Larry.

Later…

I took another break cuz Jenny from next door just came over. I polished her nails and played her songs by the Judds, then she left.

Shadow’s here pigging out. I just let him in. He goes in and out all day.

When Jenny was here she asked me to measure her waist with the tape measure. She’s 9 years old and her waist is only 4” smaller.

Tammy may be calling any second.

I got a book of 20 stamps and mailed out tons of letters. A 24-page letter to Andy as well as another 8-page letter with different colors of paper I just bought. Some to Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kim and one to Emily. She’ll be quite confused. It’s all mumbo jumbo and as far as I know, she’s not aware of my moving here. I haven’t seen or talked to her since before moving to S. Dfld. I also wrote to Cassandra.

I bought a nice pair of pants for sale for $6 when Ann Marie was here. Size 14 in girls. They’re purple with big black polka dots. Today I bought 2 nice shirts. They’re too hard to describe but I must sort out all my clothes.

Tammy tells me Lisa needs jeans desperately and I know I have some for her as well as some I’m gonna cut into shorts. I also want to reorganize my drawers and closets now that I’m moved in and settled as much as I dislike this place. I need to go through and sort out my hair accessories, jewelry and makeup.

It’s pouring out yet it sounds like a zoo outside with all the kids out playing till 8:00 or so. In the summer they’ll be out there until midnight.

Jenny tells me she and her family are going to Disneyworld for two weeks when school’s over. That’d make things a lot more peaceful, except for outside. Better outside than next door with all their banging around and sliding around furniture. Voices, TV and the radio, I can deal with.

Things went well with Ann Marie even though I did feel awkward here and there as I’m so used to being alone. When you’re 26 it’s impossible to adjust to and handle unless it’s only a one-nighter here and there. Any more than that I feel like a trapped caged animal with no independence.

For $3.49, I got hot oil treatments for my hair at Price Rite and it really helps. It comes with 2 per box and it’s a weekly treatment. It’s well worth the $7 a month.

Tammy shocked me by saying she’s gonna let her hair grow. I thought the day she’d do that would be the day I cut my hair short and keep it that way.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 1992 I haven’t written for 12 days and a lot has happened since. Some good and some not so good. But that’s life, I guess. Isn’t it?

I got Andy’s 16-page letter and I wrote him a 24-page letter. I have lots of stuff to mail out but I must get lots of stamps first.

Let me get the depressing, scary and confusing stuff out of the way first. Massachusetts’s welfare and disability programs sure are very different from Connecticut’s. It is meant to be that way as they take every opportunity possible to hassle, inconvenience and screw you over. Especially whenever a person moves.

When I went to the asthma doctor they weren’t able to see me, but they were patient and understanding. They called around about billing as they’re not Mass Health providers. Medicare is national, but Medicaid is State. The doctor did see me and gave me an Alupent sample, a refill prescription for Alupent, Theodur and this new patch called Habitrol. At Genovese drugstore, there was no way I could afford the Habitrol which was over $100. The Alupent was also expensive so I got Theodur instead. Luckily the generic brand was only $12.59. I thought it’d be $50 or $60. Thank God that much was affordable. The city welfare said to call the state welfare. They’re sending me an application but it may take me 45 days to get my card. She did say if I needed emergency prescriptions she could write an affidavit of some sort for the pharmacist.

In MA everything is all combined, with the state distributing everything. In fact, my SSI and SS payments may go from $556.39 to $442. If so, there’s this cash award thing that takes over and supplements me and it can go up to $400. That’d be $842, plus food stamps.

Later I’ll write about what Tammy and I spoke to the woman there about at the welfare office. It’s confusing, though and Tammy says not to let them screw me over, rip me off, or mislead me. No shit! Also, I’ll write what that doctor said. Lastly, Ann Marie, who was here from late Monday till late Tuesday.

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rennyji · 7 months ago

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oh no oh oh nooo, I'm just lying about it being hype cuz I'm such a noble saint...such a noble saint....

I cannot emphasize how stupid orchestrators R. 2 hide their failings, they makeMeComeOffAsExceptional. When I write, itFlows b/c logic, inductive/deductive or justPlainLogic, is 1 statement after other. In math proofs, this is signified w/concluding: “therefore.” There’s a flow.-

-they believe in magic chi, tantric sex abilities, think warmth running down my legs when I turn my heater on is divine energy, while theyre magically putting selves in head.-

- They think, b/c they copied each others skill sets in each others heads, & can’t come up w/original thought, it’s magic intuition.-

-My struggles with focus, my big eyes seeing like panoramic, all common things. This YouTube ad sums up my focus strugggle. This screenshot review4 ashwagandha gets into tunnel vision.

youtube

https://x.com/RennyJi/status/1781465470723350535

- the orchestrators say I’m special. I have high brain waves. They keep drugging me, then shock therapyING me, then leaving the situation responsible for it, going on for 18 years. My brain struggles to function and get relief. It keeps adapting. -

- the retards in the orchestrators will come up with any/all crazy concoction of theories to justify this absurdity and this joke on America. The world is laughing.

- some fun facts about me, once upon a time, at onset of this, average height me had a handsome Libran face. I’m eloquent w/limited set of words. I can be philosophical. I can also be objective&2 point. I may have all 7 virtues from just sitting in room-Not much difficulty there.

- as much as I’d like to believe otherwise, much of this is all just hype. True, false, whatever be the case, who wants to open themselves to various levels of scrutiny/criticism. It’s best to mind one’s business and leave some things as a surprise to those you come across.

- there are some special things every human being can do. If ur child is under a car, U might B able 2 lift a car.-

-When I 1st heard auditory possible hallucinations, I tried to quiet my head, still my breathing, focus all my attention on my hearing-> might result in increased hearing.-Saw on a cartoon. -

- this 1 I might delete, U want 2 satisfy ur partner? Focus on ur breathing& otherface, rather than getting lost in moment/distraction may helps prolong. Then blood flow, stopping flow by pressing certain bases/suck in stomach. A little focus/technique/not magic tantra.-

- maybe this is how ill maybe end this, w/o losing impact. I’d question whether there’s any1 out there in this BIG Universe looking out for us, particularly in my predicament.-

- I realized I need 2 believe something, & in a Whoever, Who GivesUs opportunity2realize whatWeNeed&help ourselves. U R defined/limited by ur own will&Might. Don’t get lost in hope;a petty feeling hindering focus. Be mighty/focus/shape ur life. Dont look 4 magic, let it happen.

- next thing with my focus which is another term for awareness of what I watch on the news or even read, is that I write down like journal, or go over my day w/my imaginary/not so imaginary friend or my “conscience”, w/hands folded, in my version of prayer.-

- “B/c I settle my conscience,” I don’t have thoughts that creep up on me & interfere w/my executive functioning. Some retard will jump to say he’s comfortable w/himself or some cr*p about a dominant personality. -

- during my daily prayer or what is actually meditation to reflect, or look back in retrospect, I look where I didn’t see the content of character or speech, in place of appearance. I remember it, and try not to repeat it the following day,-

- Each day, I find something morally/ethically wrong, and be on guard the next day. I’m not a saint, I have several flaws. Only difference with me is, I realize them, learn from them, and try not to repeat the transgression. -

- whether it be western medicine or the wave technology, it’s like an advil. Advil suppresses the nerve pain. But the root of the problem might be a soar muscle or a problem with a crooked spine or lack of blood flow.-

- You could be zapping away insecurities, anxieties, instilling anger to show ur serious by turning on a neurotransmitter. But words and gestures and mannerisms are equally powerful. These unnatural quick fixes causes corruption. -

-privacy in every regard is a human right. We wear clothes b/c we don’t want 2B naked. If nothing, it’s a necessary luxury. It feels good 2wear some clothes & it augments ur role/profession. The hive mind is a failed concept. This is the age of the individual. NotOf aCollective.-

-Popping in when some1s on the toilet or engaging in personal actions, depraves the human personality and satiates like murder. You fill a nook that shouldn’t be filled and bypass basic rules of etiquette, further blurring the line for future things.-

- my mind is clear and when it’s not, I know it is the metaphorical Deceiver of the hive mind Legion with his army of the 7 Deadly Sins, that puts thoughts in my mind.-

- I see immense effort put in2 assigning a jury 4 Trumps trial. This much care & attention weren’t given2 people imitating my thinking or state of consciousness. Regarding people in my head & regulating this, I don’t feel safe or as though time taken 4 Trumps jury, was given.-

- The people orchestrating my situation don’t even seem to understand psychology 101, or grade school science about alpha waves relaxing, beta waves being the thinking wave, synonymous with drying up stimulant style thinking/darkening vision.-

- I think they’ve deluded selves to thinking, don’t need2sleep. Law of conservation of energy? Energy is neither created or destroyed. Your need 2 sleep cannot be zapped away. It violates natural laws.-

- As I’m experiencing all ur erratic thinking, I no ur dysfunctional. And there’s no1 above you to say otherwise.-

- You’re being bested by grade school/high school science from a sedated mind that really only has read some religious texts, Harry Potter, Animorphs, & the BOBSY twins.-

- In the spirit of lawyers luring with emotion and ending with logic, ur crippled copied thinking is giving u a dopamine rush from tantalizing details. Ur not seeing the logic.-

-Ur not realizing how much of what ur saying to me and others is about genitalia and magic under guise of building 1 who needs nothing. Magical thinking? Eidetic memory or photographic memory is a true gift. Ur talking about something that coined as photo reading/thinking.-

- b/c ur so beta waved in terms of projecting into my mind and augmented urself without taking care of cause/effect, u lose the gold standard of alpha wave thinking.-

- U know ur son is ur son without saying to self repeatedly they’re ur son. I know red is red. Retards! That’s not intuition. What it is, who the h*ll cares, when my primitive logic outwits ur MDs and phDs.-

- Ur dopamine rush over tantalizing, ur dopamine beta wave aggression are all impulsive, & not a conscious decision. 4 all intents/purposes, even w/all zapping, uve degenerated to the same level of biomechanical impulse2anxiety w/ur rush 2 zap it away or zap something in place.-

- all I do is watch tv because that’s all I can do without work. I see the cnn logo from watching this channel so much. I know cnn is cnn without saying cnn, it’s now like a color that ur not giving interpretation to, while relaying it as magic to others. Cyclical nonsense.-

- I learned something from watching lawyers tonight. We use emotions as tools to establish a foundation to grasp interest. Then we make our point with logic u f*in Star Trek Spock wannabes when ur not even that. u lot? Drs and egg heads? Endless bull sh*t dancing around a point.-

- lawyers&programmers,weOperateOff bulletPoints; bam bam bam, on2 next thing. Each bam in bulletsIsAn extrapolation.We’re practical unlike u stupid m*ther f*in theorists. Get a girl friend uRevengeOfNerdsWeirdos. I’m the man by choice, an alpha male by genetics.Try2StepUp/keepUp.

#Youtube

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webslingingz · 2 years ago

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I posted 63 times in 2022

That's 16 more posts than 2021!

23 posts created (37%)

40 posts reblogged (63%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@webslingingz

@vixenngloss

@dotjpeg

@egberts

@murdock-barnes

I tagged 20 of my posts in 2022

#spider-man x reader - 4 posts

#daredevil imagine - 4 posts

#matthew murdock x reader - 4 posts

#matt murdock x reader - 4 posts

#daredevil x reader - 4 posts

#spider-man imagine - 3 posts

#peter parker imagine - 3 posts

#tom holland x reader - 3 posts

#peter parker x reader - 3 posts

#moon knight - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 69 characters

#i will keep quiet because if i don’t something terrible will be said.

My Top Posts in 2022:

If I got slapped in front of Andrew Garfield I’d Kill my Self bro

16 notes - Posted March 28, 2022

Hi darling! I saw you taking requests for Matt Murdock, so here I am.

So I was thinking some angst and action. Reader gets caught up in the middle of a fight, cuz she trying to get Intel on a case she works on with Nelson&Murdock. So the reader doesn't know that Matt is Daredevil, and during the fight Matt has to save their ass,and he's feral about it, and reader finds out who he is. Something like this 😁

If you are interested I would like to read you story. Thanks love.

Yo! Sorry this took so long, but you can read this here !!

19 notes - Posted February 13, 2022

I’ll Be Around (TASM!Peter Parker X Reader)

Yo !!! I'm so glad you liked Ibuprofen !! Ty for the request :)

I have never actually heard this song, so I obviously had to listen before writing and the chorus is real sweet and I love the concept of relating it to Peter !! Also, I can literally never ever avoid a good hurt/comfort fic even though I feel like 90% of Peter fics are hurt comfort idc it is like drugs to me

First post of the new year !! Hope u all enjoy it <3

Title: I’ll Be Around Genre: Hurt/comfort, insane fluff (I care him <3), angst if you squint a little bit Word count: ~1.7k Warnings: Mention loss, injury description. Synopsis: Peter returns home only half-aware of the excruciating pain in his side, far too staggered by the intensity of the brawl he'd been in to even begin to form a cohesive string of thoughts. However, that night, under the effect of both of whatever painkillers aunt May had him on and your sincere monitoring, he comes upon a sudden, pain-induced revelation.

See the full post

163 notes - Posted January 3, 2022

The Devil Ain't a Friend to No One (Matthew Murdock x reader)

Hey! I am so glad to be getting requests for Matt, I've been reading the Waid run of Daredevil and I've also been getting into the show again recently and I love him so much he is so <3<3<3<3 I apologise for how slowly I've been pushing these out, I'm back at school and have had like no time to write in my free time because I have honestly been spending it sleeping or doing homework LOL

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this little node. I suck at writing action so I kind of avoided it in place for EXTRA ANGST to make up for it.

Also, the title is from the song 'It's called: Freefall' by Rainbow Kitten Surprise, which is where I got a lot of the ideas for this specific fic. The song is very Matt to me and also slaps severely. I recommend.

I also barely proofread this, I wanted it out before Valentine's day, so excuse me if it seems a little bleugh. Happy Valentine's day !!

Title: The Devil Ain't a Friend to No One

Genre: Angst/fluff/action??

Warnings: Depictions of violence, bloody imagery, religious themes (it is MY Daredevil fic and I get to choose the religious trauma), swearing, descriptions of injury

Word Count: 2.0k

Synopsis: Hell's Kitchen is a wretched, friendless place at night. All hope was to be forsaken, all valour disbanded, especially so when faced with such violence; when faced with the glint of silver under the faraway street light as you turn a desolate corner. However, the Devil was invariably vigilant, and you had a sneaking scepticism that you knew him well.

See the full post

191 notes - Posted February 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Everyone’s Got Them (Matt Mudock x reader)

YO !! I love this little simple req I love doing just one little scene and expanding on it I think it’s so fun. I got this idea randomly when I was bored and looking at my arm LMFAO ty for the request !! (Also, I do not think there’s much of an audience for Matt rn but I love him so much so plz request more when I do end up opening requests again)

Title: Everyone’s got them. Genre: fluff Word count: ~1k Warnings: mentions of injury and drinking, maybe a little suggestive if you really really really squint super hard Synopsis: Matthew Murdock craved the innocence of waking up alongside you, tangled in the sheets of his bed, and is reluctant to break himself from that innocence when it’s presented to him.

See the full post

358 notes - Posted April 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#wow um more updates soon

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becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys · 2 years ago

Note

Thought I’d let you know that the op of the abortion post (pronoun-fucker) is a terf. When I looked at the recommended post it was suggesting a bunch of terf shit and when I check their blog yeah they’re a terf. You don’t have to answer this just thought I’d let you know cuz I reblogged the post without even realising.

Oh, gross. Alright then, let's see...

Cool, okay, so the post was literally just the text of the linked newspaper article, so allow me to recreate it here:

Like many people in Britain, you probably watched with horror the US supreme court’s reversal of Roe v Wade, thinking, “Thank goodness women could never be prosecuted for having an abortion here.” But let me tell you, it already happens here.

Two women are currently awaiting criminal trial in England for abortion-related offences, both facing charges that carry a maximum sentence of life. At least 17 women have been investigated by police over the past eight years for having had abortions.

In Oxford, a 25-year-old mother of one is facing trial for allegedly taking the drug misoprostol – one of the two pills routinely prescribed by doctors to abort a pregnancy. But her baby was born alive and she was subsequently reported to the police. She is being charged under the Offences Against the Person Act, a law passed by parliament in 1861, before the invention of the lightbulb and before women had the right to vote. The law states that a woman must be “kept in penal servitude for life” if she procures an abortion.

Another woman is facing trial after she took abortion pills she obtained from the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (BPAS) by post when rules were relaxed during the pandemic to allow this. She was allegedly 28 weeks pregnant at the time and is facing charges of “child destruction” (note the visceral language) under the Infant Life (Preservation) Act from 1929, which also comes with a maximum life sentence. She could spend the rest of her life in prison.

We so often think that the 1967 Abortion Act legalised abortion. But it did no such thing. It partially decriminalised abortion in England, Scotland and Wales, so long as strict conditions were in place, such as a confirmation from two medical practitioners that the pregnancy had not exceeded 28 weeks (subsequently reduced to 24 weeks in 1990), or that the termination was necessary to prevent injury or mental harm. Any abortion outside these criteria is still a criminal offence.

We know that it is overwhelmingly vulnerable women who are investigated and prosecuted for having abortions. One woman collapsed in the dock when she was sentenced to two and a half years in 2015 for taking tablets she had bought online to induce a miscarriage after the 24-week period of gestation. The court heard that she had “a history of emotional and psychological problems”.

Another woman, a mother of one, ordered pills online to induce an abortion in 2019 after her abusive boyfriend had told her not to go to the doctor. She had believed she was eight to 10 weeks pregnant but after a traumatic miscarriage in her bath tub, where she has described sitting in an inch of blood, she realised her pregnancy had been much further along. She was arrested in her hospital bed and served two years in prison.

These are just some examples of women who have faced trial: there are multiple other women who face gruelling police investigations. In 2021, a 15-year-old girl was investigated for a year after suffering an unexplained stillbirth. Her phone and laptop were confiscated during her GCSE exams, she was self-harming, and the investigation only ended after a coroner concluded that the pregnancy ended due to natural causes. Another woman was arrested in hospital last year and kept in a prison cell for 36 hours after a stillbirth at 24 weeks, and is now suffering PTSD. My question is this: if a woman has had an abortion late in the gestation period, or a traumatic miscarriage or stillbirth, should she go to prison or should she be offered support from medical practitioners at what is clearly a horrendous time, both mentally and physically?

Women in 2022 are being shackled by a 160-year-old law made at a time when we were not even allowed to set foot in the House of Commons. Urgent reform is needed to protect more women from harm, which is why organisations such as BPAS and the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) are calling on the director of public prosecutions for England and Wales, Max Hill QC, to drop all charges against these women. The RCOG this month has gone further, calling on ministers to finally legalise abortion. There is absolutely no public interest in sending vulnerable women to prison for terminating pregnancies. Instead, these prosecutions will only serve to put off women seeking help from doctors because they might get arrested, pushing more women into unsafe and underground options.

Meanwhile, according to the criteria of the Abortion Act, a woman has to show that she would suffer grave permanent injury to her mental health if she did not have an abortion after 24 weeks. Why should women still have to pathologise themselves as mad, hysterical, unfit or suffering to legally access healthcare?

The state currently has a triple lock on women’s bodies. By not legalising abortion it has the right to force pregnancy, birth and motherhood upon us. Look to the rules on organ donation: it is illegal to donate people’s organs after they die (however desperately they are needed by people on waiting lists) without their permission. The law at present, which denies women the right to abort a pregnancy on their own terms, is to give us less autonomy than a corpse.

Link | Archived Link

And, just to be clear, while is a situation that is 100% rooted in punishing women for having sex and also primarily affects women, women are NOT the only people affected by it. Trans men and enbies also can get hit by these laws, and we shouldn't forget them.

#abortion #also fuck transphobes with a cactus‚ just so we're clear #feminism

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wordsfromthesol · 3 years ago

Text

The Set-Up

Author: @wordsfromthesol Taglist: @zphilophobiaz @anousiemay @malfoys-demigod @pricetagofficial Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader Summary: You are Dinah's younger sister. Word Count: 2,410 A/N: I know it’s been awhile so if anyone wants on/off a taglist just let me know!

"Alright, Roy, you got me here. What's so important?" You called out as you stumbled into what the Outlaws deemed a safehouse. Their standards were pretty low.

"We needed a fourth, okay! Go get Jason and I'll brief everyone." Roy hurried you out of the room that he and Kory were already set up in. You sauntered up to the closed door and knocked.

"Jason, you decent?" You shouted as your fist rapped against the wood.

"Well I'm not morally decent, but I'm wearing pants if that's what you're asking. Though I can be without pants if that's what you prefer --" Jason's voice trailed off as he swung open the door and was met with your face. Clearly, he figured the person on the other side would be Roy or Kory. His face slightly reddened as he reached back and grabbed a shirt.

"I mean…maybe not right now. Roy needs to go over the mission with us." You winked at his obvious embarrassment before trotting off in the direction you came from. Jason quickly caught up with you.

"I…uh…I didn't know Roy asked you for help."

"Yeah he didn't really tell me much. Just that you guys needed a fourth. Not sure why he thinks I'll make that much of a difference.

"Guess we should go find out." Jason raced past you, hoping to avoid further embarrassment, but stopped dead in his tracks as he entered the living room. Roy and Kory were both staring at him, trying to hold back fits of laughter. "What is this all-important mission Y/N was recruited on?" He asked in an attempt to redirect their attention. You walked in behind Jason just in time to get the answer.

"Not really all-important…" Roy's voice reeked of mischief, "just better to have four than three. Then we can do two teams."

"You do know that I have my own agenda. I'm not just sitting around waiting for your call."

"Oh Y/N/N! Don't think of it like that, I practically begged him to ask you. I seriously need some more girl time." Kory piped in to release some of the building tension.

"Uh-huh, sure. Roy, what are we doing?"

"Right. Human trafficking, finally got a hit on this group. Think it's their main smuggling port. There are two docks to check, so two teams. See, I do have a plan. Kinda…"

"Hm mm" you mumbled, still not fully believing him, but you let him continue anyways. You didn't fly out here for nothing.

Hours had passed and the four of you sat near the docks, waiting for the cover of nightfall. The smugglers, however, did not. You grabbed Jason's arm and began running towards the dock as soon as you saw a boat pulling into the harbor.

"What are you doing?" Jason mumbled as he ran to keep up with you.

"Are you blind? There's a container ship pulling into the docks. The dock that Roy told us to watch."

"The sun is still setting. There's no way they'd be that stupid." He tried to reason with you, but your pace didn't slow.

"Maybe they just paid the right people. Or killed them." You retorted though the timing was eerily suspicious. Both of you came to a halt when you only saw four guys. Sure, they had guns…but it definitely wasn't enough to warrant extra help. You glanced over at Jason in utter disbelief. "You want me to sit this one out or…"

"Let's just get it over with." Jason was clearly just as agitated as you were. The "battle" lasted only a few seconds and your trip back to the rendezvous spot was completed in utter silence.

"So…Roy. Why the fuck was I needed here?" Holding nothing back, you cried out as soon as you saw his red costume appear in the distance.

"Woah, hold up there. Must've gotten some bad intel. It happens. Better safe than sorry."

"Yeah well next time be sure. I do have my own cases and crime rings to dismantle." You walked off in a huff, determined to find your own way back. You didn't know what exactly Roy was up to, but you knew you wouldn't like it.

Months passed since the pointless mission with the Outlaws. You had gotten back to Miami, your home for the time being as you investigated a new drug trade route coming up from South America. Finally, you had made some progress, only said progress led to you being pinned down behind some wooden barrels.

"These aren't going to last long," you mumbled as you dialed Kory on your phone. No answer. "Fuck." Roy was next.

"Y/N, can this wait --" You hear the wind get pushed out of him just as the sentence finished.

"Hm not really. Kinda been pissing off the wrong people and now I'm pinned down."

"Fuck." Roy mumbled as he threw a punch towards the jaw of the unsuspecting thug.

"I tried Kory, but -- shit…" You watched as the barrels splintered around you.

"Off-world. I'm patching in Jas --" Roy stopped a syllable short, you assumed dodging his own bullets. You didn't wait for him to finish.

"Yeah look. I'm in Miami." You heard Jason mumble your name but continued on. You didn't know how much longer you would have. "Pretty sure they'll take me alive. Heard through the grapevine the boss wants the honors himself." You sucked in a sharp breath as you felt a bullet pierce through your shoulder. You took a few steadying breaths before continuing. "I have a tracer in my mask. I'll try to keep it on as long as I can. If you can't track it for some reason, call my sister." You didn't hang up the call before slowly raising your hands above the splintered barrels. "Take me to your leader," you exclaimed in your best alien impression, all while trying not to laugh.

"Do you think this is a game?!" One of the thugs screamed at you as they inched closer. You just shrugged, waiting to either be killed or taken. "Well grab her, idiots!" Two men hesitantly walked towards you, guns still drawn.

"Should I tie myself up? Would that be easier?" At this point, your sarcasm was the only thing keeping you sane. Finally, they got within striking distance and everything went black.

"Y/N? What's happening?!" Jason frantically began calling out your name as he was met with silence. Roy eventually spoke up.

"Jason. I hope you're on your way. I'll meet up with you as soon as I can, but I need to get ahold of Dinah first." Roy had no idea what he was going to say to her.

"Even in the jet, it's going to take 2 hours to get there…" The reality of the situation set it. "But I'm taking off now." Jason tried to push the horrific thoughts from his mind.

You woke up tied to a wooden chair. Not surprising.

"So, where's the boss?" You forced the words out, willing yourself into consciousness.

"Don't worry girlie, he's on his way…though I suppose there's nothing wrong with having a little fun first." The goon smirked as he flipped a knife in his hands.

"Well, you wouldn't want to damage the merchandise." You could tell he wasn't sold, so you continued. "I mean I'm dead either way, right? Wouldn't want you to risk your life as well…" He just stared blankly at you while the gears turned in his mind. Finally, he let out an exasperated huff and turned his back to you. At least you were able to buy yourself a little more time. Though you had a feeling it still wouldn't be enough. As your head began spinning, you looked down at your shoulder. The blood was still pouring out of the wound. "Of course…" you mumbled as the dizziness intensified. You were going to have to think of something quickly.

"So, how'd you get stuck with this job? Or are you just some disposable errand boy who got lucky?" You began antagonizing him as you attempted to saw through the ropes with the small blade that discharged out of your gloves.

"Lucky?" He turned towards you with a villainous look plastered across his face. He sauntered towards you and placed his hands on either side of the chair. "I've been following you. I know your patterns. When you strike. That ambush was calculated and planned. Boss sent me 'cuz he knew I'd get the job done." Before he could push himself up from the chair, you launched forward, ramming your head into his. As he crashed to the floor, another burly man rushed into the room. You managed to free one of your legs just in time. As he stumbled backward you bent down in an attempt to free your other leg. The man lunged at you again. Pulling the other leg free, you circle around and hurled the chair at him. You let out a huge sigh of relief and slid to the floor as he landed atop the first assailant.

Jason watched as men patrolled around the building. Just as he was about to move Roy's voice came over the comm, "Have you found her? What's the situation? I'm still an hour out."

"I found her. They have four guards patrolling. Heavily armed. I found an opening."

"Four patrolling…you can't get any intel about who's inside? I think you should wait for me to get there." Roy already knew there was no hope of that.

"We may not have a chance if I wait. I'm going in."

Jason heard his best friend sigh, before eventually relenting. "Keep me updated. I'll be there when I can." Jason saw his opening coming up again. He moved quickly and quietly, sliding into the open door. He took in his surroundings, trying to not alert anyone of his presence unless absolutely necessary. He didn't want to give any of them a reason to shoot you…that is, if you were still alive. As he rounded the corner, he came face to face with a brutish man. Jason launched himself forward, knocking them both to the ground as he muffled the goon's mouth with his hand and encapsulated his neck. It only took a few seconds before the guard was out cold and Jason continued lurching down the hallway. He stopped short of a closed door. Jason took a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever awaited him on the other side.

You were jolted awake a few moments later and looked around to find the two men still unconscious on the ground. Crawling over, you pulled at one of their jackets and cut off a long piece. It took the last bit of your energy to tie it around your still bleeding shoulder. As your eyes began to flutter closed once again, they shot open at the sound of the door opening. You forced your head upwards and let out a faint chuckle at the familiar Red Hood that looked down at you.

"Solis!" Jason's eyes went wide as he saw the amount of blood in the room. "Shit alright. I need you to stay awake, okay?" You nodded and forced your eyes open as Jason dove down beside you, properly retying the fabric around your shoulder. Jason stared at you for a few moments before pushing himself up and firing a single shot down the hallway. You watched intently as the goons came running in, Jason plowing through them in a matter of minutes. Jason scooped you up, not bothering to try and gather any further information from you.

You woke up in a bed in an unfamiliar room. Your brain began piecing together the events. Jason had come to get you, then put you in a car, brought you here, sewed up the wound…you wondered how long you'd been asleep. The door creaked open and you saw both Roy and Jason standing in its frame.

"You're awake! Thank fuck, D would've killed me!" Roy rushed over and embraced you.

"Yeah probably…" You were speaking to Roy, but you couldn't take your eyes off Jason. There was something there, unspoken, that you couldn't remember. What had happened? How long had you been asleep? As if reading your mind, Jason spoke up.

"It's only been 12 hours," he watched your eyes go wide. "Before you freak out, you lost a lot of blood and were barely hanging on to consciousness. 12 hours is not that many. You'll still be weak." Jason began to step towards you but hesitated. Roy immediately noticed the awkwardness his presence brought.

"Imma just…I'll go get us some food…or something." Roy pointed towards the door and rushed out.

"I feel like I'm missing something."

"No…I just. I was worried." You leered at him, knowing that was not what you were missing. You carefully sat up and swung your legs over the bed, determined to get to the bottom of whatever feeling this was. Once you attempted to stand, Jason was at your side in a fraction of a second. "I just said you would be weak…" he mumbled out.

"Well I have to go to the bathroom and you aren't giving me answers anyways." You tried to push him away. It unsurprisingly did not work.

"How long have I known you? For once, just stop being so damn stubborn!" He grabbed your shoulders, in an effort to steady both of you.

"I dunno like 8 years…" you grumbled out, unsure if the question was meant to be answered.

"Yeah well for 7 and a half of those I've loved you. And it just hit me that you could die…hell I could I die, and you wouldn't know." His hands traced down your arms and collapsed at his side. "I guess that just broke me, okay? Are you happy now?!" The anger in his voice rose.

"So how about those pants now?" You smirked, trailing your eyes over his body. Jason's eyes lit up as he began to laugh, recalling the situation from months prior.

"Maybe not right now…let's wait until you can stand on your own."

"JUST KISS HER ALREADY GOD DAMMIT!" Roy screamed from the doorway. Neither of you knew how long he'd been there, but that didn't deter Jason. His lips smashed into yours while his arms enveloped you.

"FUCKING FINALLY!" Roy screamed as he threw his hands up in the air.

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hotwings0203 · 3 years ago

Text

Okay I’m at work rn and I just got this weird ass call at the front desk. This dude called asking for a reservation and I was like aight lemme transfer you to our reservations department, and the dude was like “it’s my wife’s birthday.” I said “oh well tell her I said happy birthday,” AND THEN he was like “it’s actually our anniversary.” And I was like “…okay…tell her I said happy anniversary??” AND THEN WHEN I TRIED TELLING HIM THAT I WAS GONNA TRANSFER HIM AGAIN HE WAS ALL “wait before you do, I have to tell you something.” And I was like OKAY MAN JUST HURRY UP IDFC he said “my wife says you look beautiful today.” And then I hung up the muthafuckin phone cuz who the FUCK was I to deal w that bs💀💀 sooo, in honor of that I’m gonna write a lil’ shigaraki thing that was inspired by that phone call

Tw:stalking, creepy shiggy, noncon implication, cultish behavior?

You awake to your phone ringing at your bedside table. It’s in the AM, maybe 2 or 3. The night is quiet save for the dull buzzing next to you, and the whispers of the wind spiraling through the trees outside your window.

Bewilderingly, you grope around in the darkness to locate your phone before picking it up and cracking open a bleary eye to check the caller ID.

UNKNOWN CALLER

Extremity begrudgingly, you hit the green button.

“Hello?” Your voice comes out groggy and coarse from your slumber remnants.

“Beautiful girl”

Both eyes are open now.

“Who is this?”

“You don’t know me…but I know you.” The voice across the line is almost as raspy as yours yet slightly shaky. There’s a weird clicking noise in the background.

“Who the fuck is this, and why are you calling me at-“ you turn your head to check the analog next to you. “-three thirty four in the morning?”

“Because I wanted to formally introduce myself as your new owner.”

“My new-what?” You snap and lift yourself on one elbow. Just because of the chill that races down your spine, you squint around the darkness of your apartment. No one was there, so then why couldn’t you shake the feeling someone was watching you?

“You heard me, pretty cockslut. In a few days from now, I’ll be waiting for you, right at your door. I’ll have a collar and leash waiting for you so you can properly be my little bitch in heat.”

Your hands unconsciously fist the sheets underneath you, and you try not to let your voice wobble when you respond.

“I’m-is hanging up now you sick fuck. Don’t call this number again, or else I’ll track your number and call the police.” But you find that when you try to tap the red button, the call still continues. You hit the button again, but no difference. You start to frantically turn your phone off and fiddle with the volume buttons to wake your screen out of its frozen state but the call still continues, the person on the other line keeps rambling.

“What did you do to my phone?”

“Whatever I need to do to talk to you one on one. Tell me Y/N, would you prefer your dog bowl in pink or red?”

“I’m not choosing either, fucking bastard. Tell me who you are!”

“Aww, come on now, be an obedient pet. Use your big girl words and let your master know what you like. It’s the only time I’m being nice, I’d take the opportunity if I were you.” The clicking on the other side of the call multiples, as if we were typing away at dozens of keyboards.

“I’m calling the police.” You spring up from your bed and search the room for another landline phone or anything where you could contact someone. This was insane, you weren’t putting up with this bullshit.

“Sure, go right ahead. I can’t wait for them to see you naked, on your hands and knees, pussy drooling and mouth watering while you suck my cock in front of them.”

You yell in frustration and panic as the clicking noise grows louder, the volume swallowing up your thoughts and musings.

“Fuck, what the hell is that noise?” You raise your voice now, your remaining sleep swept away in the currents of adrenaline.

“We’re all waiting for you, Y/N. You’re such a pretty girl, don’t you wanna share some of that beauty with us? We wanna see you mouth opening, face down ass up for us, working your pussy on all of our cocks. We wanna see you getting fucked against all the surfaces of your new home, against the windows, on the basement floor, in the shower, on the bed. I wanna be on top though, above everyone else under and over you, would my little bitch in heat like that?”

Your mouth opens and closes, but no sound comes out. It’s silent outside, as if the world were holding its breath on the same moment as you. But on the other end of the phone, you could hear it.

Along with the clicking, there were moans. Different pitches and tempos, but the grunts and groans were definitely audible. He spoke above them, claiming his place above his subjects.

“Oh no, did I scare you off already? It’s okay, you’ll get used to us soon enough. Think of this as training. You’ll soon know your place well enough once initiation starts. All your holes will be open-“

The moans grow louder. They gasp so loud you’d think they were being murdered. The clicking grows evermore.

“-And you’ll be out on display for all of us to touch, and feel, and taste, and listen to while you just take it, take it, take it like the good little bitch I’ll force you to be”

“Leave me alone!” You half sob as you run over and pick up your phone, looking around wildly and unsure of what to do.

“I’ll plug you with so many drugs and chemicals that you’ve never even heard of just so that you’ll crawl to me on all fours and beg me to fill you up again, with anything I want.”

“You’ll kill yourself just to be anything to me”

You think you hear the groaning and sighing on the other end evolve into screams of satisfaction, but you can’t tell over the ringing in your own ears.

“So sleep well my precious babyslut. I’ll come for you soon enough.”

And the line goes dead

#idk wtf this was sorry #incel shigaraki #mha #bnha #mha smut #shigaraki imagine #shigaraki smut #shigaraki x reader #yandere shigaraki #mha shigaraki #bnha shigaraki #tw: cult mention #tw: stalking #bnha smut

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helliontherapscallion · 4 years ago

Text

(Y/n) and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week: Tuesday

Monday Wednesday Thursday (Part 1) Thursday (Part 2) Friday Saturday Sunday

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: anxiety, doctor’s offices, taking pain pills (not sure if I need to tag that, but just in case), stalkers, blackmail, swearing, non-consensual taking pics of nudes, slight body dysmorphia, self-loathing, toxic friends

Word count: 5,326

(A/N): another long chapter, my little wlw heart loved writing this chapter! Also holy shit I was not expecting the first part to blow up, thank you to everyone that read it! Gosh, it’s enough to make a grown woman cry :’)

You cracked open your crusty eyes to Wilbur poking his head into your room. “(Y/n), Dad wants you.”

You groaned rubbing at your eyes in an attempt to get the sleep out of them. “I’ll be down in a sec.” Your voice was scratchy and thick with sleep.

He closed the door silently and you heard his socked feet thumping down the hallway. Your pain faded slightly into soreness, but your shoulders and upper back were slightly stiff. After you drug yourself out of bed, you shambled down the stairs to see your family at the table eating breakfast. Your stomach growled loudly, making you blush slightly in embarrassment.

Your eldest brother snorted. “Hungry (y/n)?”

You slumped into your seat next to him slowly shoveling food into your mouth. “You have no idea.”

“You wouldn’t be that hungry if you ate dinner when you got home like I told you to do last night, young lady. You better eat every single thing on that plate.”

There was no arguing with a stern Dadza, so you reluctantly complied. Meanwhile, Tommy and Tubbo were telling Wilbur about your match animatedly.

“And the ball was like fwoosh and she- the ball and-and-”

“And she hit it and Haley hit it to the other side! It was so cool!”

Wilbur merely smiled listening to them ramble about how badass you were last night. They made you feel genuinely happy that they admired your volleyball abilities; they were probably your biggest fans and that made your day most of the time. You remembered the first match they came to during your freshman year, they had run up to you right after the end-of-match whistle blew to spew about how good you were on the court. They met the team that day. Your team adored having them at your games, over the years they slowly replaced your school’s mascot. They played a huge part in morale boosts before and during matches.

He looked over to you, “I didn’t know my little sister could be so badass.”

You felt your cheeks flare up. “It’s nothing I haven’t done before. It really wasn’t anything special.”

“(Y/n),” Philza pursed his lips, “you did all that with a bruised back, I’d consider that something special.”

“Wait (y/n), you’re hurt?” Tommy and Tubbo looked at you with wide concerned eyes.

“Yeah, but it’s not that bad. I can still move and stuff.”

Techno rolled his eyes, “it’s bad if you’re going to the doctor for it.”

“Eh, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did yesterday, so I’m not worried.”

“You’re deadass wincing everytime you move your arm,” WIlbur deadpanned, “it clearly still hurts.”

“Well yeah, I didn’t say the pain went away completely. Fuckin’ dumbass.”

“Language,” Philza glared at you two, gesturing to the two fifth graders watching the exchange with interest.

You and Wilbur resumed eating and murmured out a defeated “sorry Dad.” You both glared at Techno when he huffed in amusement.

“If you three keep bickering, you’re going to be late to school. Remember, you two have to drop off Tommy and Tubbo today cuz I’m taking your sister to her appointment. Now go get ready, I’ll take care of your dishes.”

Your brothers took off up the stairs, each competing to get to the bathroom first. Occasionally, you would hear shouts and slapping noises. You felt glad you didn’t have to deal with that today. Judging by Techno’s gruff voice laughing and an explosion of loud complaints from the rest, you assumed that he won today. “I swear, they’re gonna put me in an early grave.”

“You and me both Dad, you and me both.”

You went into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of pain pills from the junk drawer. Various bottles of Motrin and Advil were scattered around the house because when you live with a rambunctious family like this one, people are bound to get hurt and headaches are common. Popping three into your mouth, you washed it down with a glass of water. The sound of the running water faucet and the slight splashing of water filled the silence of the room.

“How’s your back? Does it feel any better?”

“Kinda, today it just feels more sore than throbbing, my headache went away mostly, and my shoulder doesn’t feel any worse, so that’s better I guess.”

He shut off the water and reached for a towel to dry off his wet hands. He moved over to the freezer and grabbed a frozen package of peas that your family never ate. You all used it whenever one of you would get a bruise. He moved behind you and held it against your back without warning. Flinching forward from the unexpected temperature change, you winced with the wave of pain moving brought you.

“Shit, sorry.”

“You’re good. Just give me a little warning next time,” you chuckled. He gently placed it back on your back and you sighed from the slight relief that it brought you. You leaned into the peas and closed your eyes. “That feels amazing.”

“I bet. That bruise was pretty bad yesterday, can I look at it again?”

You reluctantly left the sanctuary that was the medical grade frozen peas and leaned forward, moving your hair out of the way for him. “Knock yourself out.”

He made a hissing noise as soon as he moved your shirt out of the way. “Dad, it probably looks worse than it feels.”

“...Have you seriously not looked at this yet? It looks pretty bad, hun.”

“Well, sorry I can’t move to look at my back without being in pain. I’ll try harder next time.” You snarked him.

“Hey, watch the attitude. Here, I’ll take a picture so you can see how bad it is.”

You heard the rustling of fabric as he fished his phone out of his pocket and the obnoxiously loud click of his camera app. You turned around to look at the damage. You squinted at his bright phone screen. Your entire back was swollen in some areas and was covered in ugly reds, blues, blacks, and purples. You made a disgusted noise in the back of your throat and cringed away from the screen. You always got nauseous seeing injuries.

“Yikes.”

“Yikes isn’t the only word I would use, it’s bad (y/n).”

“It looks worse than it feels, I promise. I’m gonna go get ready so we’re not late to my appointment. It sounds like the boys are finally done with the bathroom.”

You hobbled up the stairs slowly and made your way to the bathroom. The door was wide open ready for you to use. Turning on the light, you closed the door in a hurry so that your brothers wouldn’t try to get in again to hog the bathroom like they usually did. You frowned at your appearance. Your hair was sticking up in every direction and you had dark eye bags around your dull looking eyes. A few pimples dotted your skin like constellations in the night sky, but much uglier and more out of place. Turning your body, you scanned your figure. Your eyes watered as you realized that you had gained some weight. Adrian, Sammy, and Annie were right, you looked like garbage all the time.

You ripped your eyes away from yourself in the mirror with disgust etched deep into your features. You were disgusting through and through. Ripping your brush through your hair, you winced at the pain emanating from the back of your head. You deserve the pain for letting yourself go. Once you were slightly more satisfied with your appearance, you stepped out of the bathroom and quickly changed into the clothes you would wear today. You decided on a hoodie and a pair of tights. You didn’t feel like dressing yourself up.

You once again walked down the stairs and slipped on your shoes to meet your dad in his car. You idly scrolled through your phone while you waited for him, looking at your notifications for the first time that day. You had ten texts from the group chat that you were in with Adrian, Annie, and Sammy.

Sammy <3

(Y/n) where the hell are you?

Adrian <3

Do you guys think she ditched us?

I knew she was ignoring us

Sammy <3

Who ignores their friends?

Annie <3

(Y/n) apparently.

She has more important things to do ig

Oh my god

Do you guys think she skipped school?

Adrian <3

I wouldn’t put it past her

Maybe she finally gave up

(Y/n)

I’m sorry guys, I just have a doctor’s appointment today

I would never ignore you

Sammy <3

Yk, it’s hard to keep defending you when you keep ditching us..

(Y/n)

I’m not ditching you!

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys about my appointment

I’ll make it up to you guys

Adrian <3

How?

You’ve already skipped out on us enough already

Annie <3

Oh ik!

She can write our final research paper for us Dri!

I haven’t started it yet lmao

Adrian <3

Saaaame lmaoooo

Sammy <3

Guys, what about me???

Adrian <3

Idk, figure it out yourself

Sammy <3

Rude!

Uhhh

Ur gonna put together my final presentation for us history

(Y/n)

Alright, I can do that for you guys

Sam can you pls send me the rubric?

Annie <3

Thanks love ;)

(Y/n)

No problem, I like doing things for friends

My dad’s coming, I gotta go

Talk to you guys later

Adrian <3

Byeeee (y/n), ur the best!

(Y/n)

: ) <3

You put your phone down as your dad started up the car and pulled out of the driveway. The drive was quiet as you stared out the window and thought about how much work you now had to do. On top of your own classes, you had two more to write and a presentation to make in a class you hadn’t taken since the first semester in your sophomore year. The research papers had to be at least four full pages long with a minimum of ten sources each due on Friday and you had no idea how big Sammy’s US history presentation has to be or what it’s even about. But that was fine, you’d do anything for your friends.

“So, who were you texting? Your boyfriend?” He asked jokingly.

“Oh, just Adrian, Sammy, and Annie. I don’t have a boyfriend Dad,” because you were a closeted lesbian, but you wouldn’t tell him that anytime soon. “You know that.”

“I know,” he chuckled, “it’s been a while since I’ve seen them. How have they been?”

“They’re good. Adrian got a job at the diner, he’s a host. Sammy and Annie have been focusing more on raising their grades.”

“Good for them! You should invite them over for dinner sometime.”

“I was actually thinking that I could maybe go hang out with them on Halloween...?”

“(Y/n), the family was going to take Tommy and Tubbo trick-or-treating.”

“I know, but there’s always next year. Plus, we haven’t been able to hang out in so long! We’re always free at different times.”

“I don’t know (y/n), what if they don’t want to trick-or-treat next year? What were you planning on doing with them?”

“We were just gonna hang out at Annie’s house and watch some horror movies,” you lied. He would never let you go if he knew you were going to a party. Especially one where alcohol would be involved and hormonal teenage boys ran rampant actively scouting for an easy lay.

“...I’ll think about it.” The car pulled into the doctor office’s parking lot.

“Thank you Dad! It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out together.”

He chuckled as you both walked into the lobby, checked in, and waited for your name to be called. About ten minutes later, you were summoned by a nurse so you went into the back leaving your dad to wait in the lobby. The nurse recorded your height and weight (much to your dismay, you gained four pounds) and asked you the standard questions about your injury and uncomfortable questions about your overall health. The clacking of her acrylic nails on the plastic keyboard filled the awkward silence.

Once that was done, she left and you had to wait a little bit for the doctor. After slipping into the backless gown the nurse left, you mindlessly scrolled on your phone. Jumping when someone knocked on the door, you looked up to see your family’s doctor smiling at you.

“Hello (y/n), how are we feeling today?”

“I’m alright.”

“I hear that you had quite the fall onto some concrete, is that true?”

“Yes, I landed on my back and the back of my head.”

She reached over and squirted hand sanitizer onto her hands, rubbing it in and looking back at you. “Can you please lay on your stomach so I can take a look at your back?”

You nodded, shifting on the uncomfortable paper covered cushioned table onto your stomach. You felt her cold hands gently graze your bruises before she pulled out her stethoscope. “Can you take a good deep breath in for me?”

You complied and she instructed you to let it out. Doing this multiple times along your back, she put her stethoscope away and continued prodding at your exposed back.

“There’s definitely some swelling in multiple areas… It doesn’t feel or sound like you cracked or broke any ribs, which is excellent… Do you have any pain deep in your shoulder when you move it?”

“Yes, I landed on it wrong last night at my volleyball match.”

“How would you describe your pain? Stabbing, sore, throbbing…”

“More sore, but a little stabbing pain when I move my arm.”

She moved her fingers to examine your shoulder. “It doesn’t sound like a sprain or fracture, can you move it up and down for me?”

You moved your arm up and down, front and back, and side to side. “You still have a full range of movement, that’s good. Can I have you sit back up again?”

You sat back up and she started testing you for a concussion. After passing her tests, you were cleared of having a concussion. “Alright (y/n), it appears that you only strained your deltoid and teres muscles and you have severe bruising along your back. Make sure you ice your back and, if you have one, wear a shoulder compression sleeve. Anti-inflammatory medications such as Ibuprofen will help with the swelling. Other than that, you have a clean bill of health! You can still participate in volleyball practices, but you need to take it easy. Don’t do anything that will strain the muscles any further.”

“Thank you Dr. Samson,” you smiled at her.

“You’re welcome. I’ll leave you to change back into your clothes and you’re free to go! You may leave the gown on the table.”

She left the room and you redressed yourself. Walking out to the lobby, Philza’s head perked up when he heard the door opening. He stood up and walked over to you with a slightly worried face. You both walked back out to the car.

“So?”

“Dr. Samson said that I don’t have a concussion, sprains or broken bones. She told me that I just strained my shoulder muscles and I need to keep ice on my back.”

He visibly slumped in relief. “Thank god. What’d she say about volleyball?”

“She said that I could keep playing, but I have to take it easy.”

“Good, wouldn’t want you missing finals on Thursday. Do you know if the team you’re playing is any good?”

“Dad, of course they’re good, we’re the top two teams in the area.”

“I bet their setter is nowhere near as good as you are and I bet the setter and spiker aren’t as synced as you and Haley are. You two make a good pair.”

“Yeah we do, don’t we?” You looked out the window and smiled a little and felt your ears turn red. The very mention of Haley’s name was enough to make you feel like you were on cloud nine. The car fell silent again as you neared your high school.

In your AP world history class, the class was looking at the test you had taken yesterday. Surprisingly, you got a 74% on the multiple choice part and a 50% on your essay portion, so that landed you with a just below passing grade. You thought you completely flunked that test yesterday, so that was a pleasant surprise. It took a good portion out of your overall grade in the class, lowering it from a comfortable A- to a slightly alarming B. You supposed it could’ve been a lot worse. Besides reviewing your tests, the class didn’t do much except starting the reading for the next chapter.

Your psychology online class went like it usually did, however your phone blew up with texts about midway through the block. Glancing down, you saw that it was Haley. Shouldn’t she be in class?

Hales : )

(Y/n) meet me in the locker room right after school

I need to talk to you before practice starts

It’s an emergency

(Y/n)

What’s going on?

Hales : )

I’ll explain after school.

Can’t talk about it over text

(Y/n)

Alright, see ya then ig

You felt your gut twinge. Something’s wrong, but you didn’t know what. You were worried about Haley, usually she was really bubbly. You’ve never seen the senior act so strange before. You could only wait the block out until the bell would release you from the confines of the library and into the locker room. After sending a quick text to your brothers that you were going to stay after school for your practice, you stared blankly at your laptop’s clock as you counted down the minutes left in the class period. Ten minutes. Eight minutes. Four minutes. Two minutes. Thirty seconds-

You shot up from your seat as the bell rang. Pushing past some groups of freshmen that congregated in the hallways, you made a beeline for the locker room. In the locker room, you found Haley sitting on the metal bench on the opposite end of the locker room with her back facing the last row of lockers and facing the brick wall. She was clenching her phone in her hand with an iron grip. You hurried to sit next to her.

“Hales, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“It’s bad (y/n). Like, really bad.”

“What’s bad? You’re worrying me.”

Wordlessly, she unlocked her phone and handed it to you. On the screen was something that you weren’t expecting to see. You scrolled through the contents and felt your stomach drop with each scroll; someone took pictures of you and Haley throughout the match last night. Every picture was a violation to yours and Haley’s dignities, they had gotten zoomed in pictures of your boobs and asses. Deeper, there were even pictures taken of you changing into your volleyball uniform through your open window. You were only in your underwear. Haley had a similar picture that you scrolled past as fast as you could. Scrolling to the bottom of the text message thread, the person that sent Haley the pictures added a caption to the last picture. It was a picture of you and Haley together celebrating your match, her arm slung around your shoulder with your mouth open mid-laugh.

Unknown

I’m sending these out to the entire school unless you stop hanging around her.

If you tell anyone, the pics will be printed off and put in every single locker and bathroom the school has.

You’ll be the sluts of Klinkver High.

Cut all ties now. You have two days.

Do not try me.

“Jesus christ Haley. Who the fuck would do this? This is sick.”

She took her phone back and locked it without looking at the screen. “I don’t know (y/n). I wanted to tell you not to openly talk to me for a few days. We don’t know who took these, we don’t know what they’re capable of. I don’t wanna risk angering them.”

“We can find them! If we look close enough, we might find a few clues where they were sitting. Do you remember seeing anything suspicious last night?”

“(Y/n), our best option is to leave it. We just can’t talk in person anymore; we can still text each other.”

“Hales, how are we gonna not talk? I’m your setter.”

She ran a hand through her thick black hair. “I don’t know (y/n). Just-just don’t talk to me anymore, I don’t want your pictures leaked.”

“I don’t care about my pictures. My name’s been drug through so much shit this past year that it won’t affect me. I don’t want your stuff leaked.”

She gave a watery laugh, “you care too much, I love that about you…” Glistening eyes turned to look deep into your own. “I’m so scared (y/n), I don’t know what to do.”

You pulled her into a hug, wincing slightly when she squeezed her arms around your upper back. She buried her face into your shoulder and started shaking with muffled sobs. “Haley, I promise I’ll catch whatever sick bastard is doing this to you. You don’t deserve this.”

She said nothing as you rested your chin on the top of her head and started to rock her back and forth slowly. You two stayed like that even after her sobbing resided, finding comfort in each other’s presence. Glancing at the clock, you realized that you two have been in the locker room for an hour. Practice was set to start in fifteen minutes, people were going to start coming into the locker room soon.

You reluctantly pulled away from the hug and looked Haley in her bloodshot eyes, “I’m not going to let those pictures of you get leaked. I swear on my-”

The door to the locker room swung open and loud laughter echoed throughout the room. Haley pushed you away and speed walked off to a bathroom stall, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Damn (y/n), what’d you do? She’s pissed.”

“It’s none of your business, Zara.”

“Oh, so it’s a lover’s quarrel then~” She cackled, her hair bouncing slightly with each heave of her shoulders.

“For the love of… Haley and I aren’t dating, we’re both straight.” She’s straight.

“Mmhm.” She brushed past you to go to her locker. You followed her, your locker was in the grouping next to hers. You shared the area with Haley. You changed as fast as you could so that Haley would have time to change before practice starts. Speed walking into the gym, Zara was hot on your trail wearing a shit eating grin.

“Why are you in such a rush? Giving your girlfriend the silent treatment?”

“Zara. We aren’t dating. For the last time, we’re both heterosexual, not homosexual!” You wildly gestured with your hands to emphasize your point, your voice being amplified by the vast gym. Coach Williams gave you a confused look from across the gym.

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

“I’m serious.”

“Hi serious,” a soft voice replied from behind you, “I’m Jazzy.”

You groaned at the pun at the same time Zara started cackling, giving the short libero a high five. “Nice!”

“That was so bad, Jaz.” You couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto your face.

Zara poked your cheek with a wide grin. “C’mon, you’re smiling!”

“I am and I hate it.”

Your bickering continued with Jazzy watching you two with a content smile. The remaining members of the team (Haley, Marlene, and Zuri) filed into the gym right as Coach Williams blew her whistle.

Practice went by slowly without Haley talking to you. Sure, you had the rest of the team, but it didn’t feel the same with you guys ignoring each other. If the team or Coach Williams noticed you two not talking to each other, they didn’t say anything. By time practice was over, you all went to the locker room to change. After slipping into your fuzzy pajama pants, you sat on the bench and texted Wilbur to come pick you up. He was supposed to pick you up after practice today because he and Techno took the car home after school. Five minutes passed and he still didn’t reply. He probably won’t see the text until you got home from walking.

You sighed, resting your chin in your palm as you leaned forward. One by one, the girls left the locker room until it was only you and Haley left.

“Do you need a ride (y/n)?” She asked gently.

“But what if the person sees us together? I can just walk home, it’s not really a big deal.”

She rolled her eyes at you. “It is a big deal. It’s cold and dark out. You could get kidnapped or something. You don’t even have a coat with you. I’m giving you a ride whether you like it or not.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at her and stood up to walk next to her, “okay, mom.”

“Don’t give me that attitude young lady.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom!”

She gasped and lightly smacked the back of your shoulder, “I married your- are you alright? Shit, I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, you’re good. It’s just this damned bruise.”

She moved her hands and frantically turned you around to pull the neck of your shirt down. You two stood in front of the school’s main entrance with the nauseatingly bright fluorescent light bouncing off the reflective surface of the tiles. The orange tinted street lights lit up the sidewalk outside.

“(Y/n)-”

“I know what you’re gonna say.”

She scoffed, “oh really? What am I gonna say then, o wise one?”

You turned around to face her, “‘oh, this is bad, yadda yadda yadda.’ Everyone’s been saying that about it. Honestly it looks worse than it feels. Tis but a scratch, m’lady.”

She snorted and covered her mouth, “never call me ‘m’lady’ ever again.”

You started to walk to her car in the empty parking lot. “Or what? What’re ya gonna do?”

“I swear to god, (y/n), I’m gonna leave you here.”

“Do it, pussy. Bet you won’t.”

“You really wanna bet?”

You grinned at her, “hell yeah.”

She broke off into a mad dash to her car, laughing freely into the night sky. You chased after her trying not to move your arms much, your laugh mixing with hers like a perfect symphony composed of the world’s best musicians. The sound of your rubber soles slapping the pavement resonated throughout the parking lot as you quickly gained on her. Reaching out to grab her shirt, she smirked at you and sharply turned to the right into the grass.

You grinned as her pace slowed down slightly. You’d be able to catch her at this pace. You pushed your legs to move faster as she looked at you from over her shoulder and shrieked in surprise at how close you were to her. You cackled at her reaction, reaching out once again, you grabbed her hand. She was stopped dead in her tracks as your shoulder was yanked with the sudden momentum, making you hiss in slight pain. Despite that, you didn’t let go of her soft hand.

You both stood there under the moonlight and the soft orange street lamps trying to catch your breath. The slightly damp blades of grass tickled your ankle as you shifted to face her better. Through gasping breaths and a dopey grin, you said “you… lost, pussy.”

She let out a breathy laugh as she pulled you to her car. “Shuddup.”

“Make me~”

She opened the passenger side door for you and got into the driver's seat. Her car smelled like vanilla and citrus. “Oh, you will later when I make you do more sets in weight lifting tomorrow, hurt shoulder be damned.”

She turned on the ignition and the car revved to life, soft indie pop wafted from the speakers. She backed out of the parking space and sped off to the main road. “You wouldn’t…”

“I’m your captain, (y/n). I can make you do whatever I want.” You felt your cheeks heat up a tad. You were happy that she couldn’t see you.

“Naw, you’re too much of a softie for that. Admit it, I’ve got you wrapped around my little finger.”

She chuckled as she pulled into your driveway and put the car in park. “...Alright, maybe you do. Just a bit.”

She turned to look at you. She looked stunning with the shadows accentuating the contours of her face perfectly. You found yourself glancing at her lips and leaning slightly towards you. To your surprise, she started leaning into you as well. Before your lips could finally mesh together, she pulled back with a sigh and ran her hand through her hair. You felt a rush of disappointment and fear course through your veins. She didn’t like you like that, you should’ve known better. You were so stupid. So, so stu-

“I can’t (y/n). I want to kiss you so bad, but we can’t. Not yet at least. Not until we find the pervert that took those pictures of us.”

You sighed, “right.”

The car was filled with awkward silence. Not even the soft music streaming from the speakers could alleviate the awkwardness. God, you really screwed up your friendship, didn’t you? Sammy, Adrian, and Annie were right; you messed up everything you touched.

You coughed, “I think I’m gonna…”

“Yeah…”

You grabbed your bag and walked into your house, the smell of chicken slapping you in the face instantly. Without checking in with your dad, you hurried up the stairs, desperate for the warm comfort of your bed. That, and if you wanted to get Sammy’s presentation and Adrian’s, Annie’s, and your research papers done by Friday, you had to start as soon as you could. You were going to skip dinner for tonight, you’d just grab more breakfast tomorrow morning.

You plopped on your bed and got started on your research paper. Luckily, you already had all of the sources you were planning on using and the rough outline of each body paragraph, so writing the actual paper wasn’t going to take long. You worked until you heard a knock at your door.

“(Y/n),” Techno’s monotone voice called out, “dinner’s ready.”

“Tell Dad I’m not hungry. Practice’s got me beat, I’m going to bed soon.”

He grunted, “you know he’s not gonna like that right?”

You felt frustration start to swim circles around your chest, “Techno, just tell him that I’m not hungry right now. Please.”

“Damn, you don’t need to be like that. I’ll tell him.”

You heard his stomping footsteps thumping down the hall. Shit, you pissed him off. You were a terrible person, he was just trying to get you to eat something, Pushing back the tears that threatened to spill from your eyes, you forced the panic that was starting to swirl around your body in laps deep into your being. You didn’t have time to deal with your failures and stupid emotions, you had to get this done. You didn’t have time to think about Haley’s warm breath ghosting across your lips. You didn’t have time to think about how she probably regretted almost kissing you. You didn’t have time to fall into an anxiety spiral, you needed to focus if you wanted Adrian, Annie, and Sammy to forgive you. You ruined yours and Haley’s friendship and did the same to yours and Techno’s. They were the only ones you had left. You needed to be a better friend.

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