#BUT I CANT MY HAND HURTS TOO BADDD

[ashwii]

Mmm no more art or bein online for a bit, i gamed too hard playing paper mario, and my hand still hurts even tho i finished 100% 3 days ago 😔😔

[lullabytaeyong]

R!Yeonjun - Not bad

TW: Selfharm (only brief scratching) and cursing

The day hadn't been going to well for the group so far. Everyone was irritable and tired. They were ready for a break. The final straw for Soobin was during dance practice. Their regular choreographer was out for a week so they had a sub working with them instead. He wasn't very friendly and had the worlds highest standards. His strong facial features made appear angry all the time. Soobin got sick of his berating comments and called practice off early. He was the leader and he was not going to let a random man tear down his teams confidence.

Yeonjun had been affected the most from his words. He already struggled with his self worth and trauma. Every negative word said to his face spun and circled inside his head, mutating into heavy self doubt. Was he really that out of practice to be called an amateur?  He bottled up the insecurities until he could let them out alone, which meant he struggled to pay attention and panicked when the man yelled at him. His hands shook as Soobin shouted back, telling him to get out. He froze up where he was standing and sunk to the floor.

At some point he was all by himself, staring down his reflection. Soobin had left with the others in a fit of rage to find their manager for help, unknowingly leaving Yeonjun to drown in his thoughts.

'You're so stupid. Fucking piece of shit. Cant do anything! Stupid idiot! Fucking dumb and weak. Always doing it wrong!'

Yeonjun broke down into loud sobs that were out of out his own control. He quickly retreated into his mind, searching for that warm safe space he knew was there. Suddenly feeling too worthless for the world and like he was a kid again just made it all worse. Yeonjun hugged himself as he cried into the mirror, terrible thoughts consuming him whole.

Soobin pushed the door open a minute later and jumped at the noise. His heart stopped when he saw the state Yeonjun was in. He immediately knew what was happening to him. Yeonjun noticed him in the mirror, as he ran over to the rescue.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm baddd!"

"Bad? You haven't been bad, sweetie. It's okay." Soobin said gently, sitting down in front of him.

"Nooo! Bad! I'm bad! I'm sorry!" Yeonjun started scratching vigorously at his thighs, desperate to find something to distract himself from the tsunami in his mind.

"Hey, hey! Junnie, baby don't do that. Hold my hands instead."

Yeonjun tearfully complied, letting Soobin's big hands wrap around his. He openly sobbed, all his pride melting away as he felt smaller and smaller. There were no societal rules to stop him.

"We don't hurt ourselves, sweetie. I know you can't help it, but we need to practice other ways to make ourselves feel better." Soobin explained clearly. The damage had already been done by little Junnie's nails. On each thigh were patches of bright red streaks, just barely breaking the skin. If they were lucky he probably wouldn't bleed much at all.

"Bad bad bad." Yeonjun muttered, continuing to shake his head side to side.

"Shhh, you're not bad. You've never been bad, honey. I'm not upset with you, I want to help you keep yourself safe." Soobin said carefully.

Yeonjun struggled to believe him. That's what people always said; that they weren't mad. It was always a lie. His old partner would say the same things just to throw poor Yeonjun over his lap and spank him until his bum was bright red. That loser ignored Yeonjun when he told him his headspace wasn't sexual and punished him like it was. He didn't want to accept it, but he was traumatized from months of staying in that terribly toxic relationship. When he finally broke up with him, Soobin found him sobbing on the kitchen floor and helped him pick up his broken pieces to put him back together. But, even two years later, Yeonjun struggled to trust him whole heartedly.

"Daddyyy!" Yeonjun cried, dragging out the y sound. So many memories were swirling around in his head and he just wanted someone to save him.

"I'm right here, Daddy's here baby." Soobin said, giving his hands a little squeeze. Yeonjun squeezed back twice as hard and rocked back and forth.

They were unaware of the faces looking through the glass of the door across the room. Beomgyu and Taehyun watched nervously, as their hyung broke down. They didn't want to intervene, Soobin seemed to have it under control, but it hurt to sit there and do nothing. Yeonjun was always lifting them up and showering in them in love. He never ended up in a puddle on the floor, crying his eyes out.

"Junnie, do you want Daddy to hold you?"

Yeonjun whimpered and nodded shakily. Soobin's hands let go and moved to his back, as he told him to crawl closer. His arms wrapped him up once he was on his lap, sitting sideways with his head on his shoulder. Soobin rocked slowly back and forth like Yeonjun had been doing before. The repetitive soothing movement seemed to work in calming him down, even if it was just slightly.

"He was so mean! C-Called me a bad dancer!" Yeonjun sobbed.

"Well, he must be blind. You're a great dancer! You work so hard day and night, always improving. We're so proud of you." Soobin murmured, carefully wiping some of his baby's tears away.

“I hate him.”

“You’re allowed to hate him. I hate him for upsetting you and being so rude. Daddy won’t let him talk to any of us ever again.”

Yeonjun replied by nuzzling Soobin’s shoulder. As he calmed down, his fingers found their way into his mouth where he sucked on them. Baby Junnie did it to soothe himself. Soobin stroked his hair and refrained from telling him to stop. He knew that Yeonjun was very vulnerable and instinctively doing things that made him feel safer.

“When we get home Daddy’s gonna wrap you up in your blankies, give you all the kisses in the world and put on your favorite movie. How does that sound?” Soobin said, planting two kisses on Yeonjun’s forehead. The little nodded instead of speaking.

His wide brown eyes looked up at Soobin, twinged pink at the corners from all his crying. He must’ve slipped pretty deep because he didn’t appear as focused as usual. Soobin understood. It wasn’t in his control. Yeonjun was his responsibility for the rest of the night and potentially morning.

At home Soobin did as he promised and made Yeonjun into a blanket burrito after putting him in a white long sleeve adult onesie. Usually the onesie made him too embarrassed to leave his room, but on occasion, he wore it naturally without a care in the world. The others took turns giving him hugs and kisses while Soobin washed up and made some snacks. He smiled at the bits and pieces of conversation he heard coming from the living room.

“No, no, no, Hyuka. Silvermist is great and all, but I think Tinkerbell’s the obvious choice..” Came Beomgyu’s voice.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kai retorted. Soobin could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

“She’s the main character for a reason! I don’t know man, I’m just saying.”

“Tinkerbelle pretty…” Yeonjun said softly through his fingers.

“Not as pretty as you ~” Beomgyu sang. He must’ve started tickling Yeonjun’s sides because the boy burst into shrieks of laughter, as did Kai who was suddenly under attack by Taehyun.

Soobin’s heart filled with quiet contentment. It warmed him to witness the love everyone had for each other. It was reassuring to know he had three other people to fall back on when he and Yeonjun needed them. Everyone provided their own unique types of care. Laughter, distractions, comfort, and more. It all balanced out to the perfect mixture of love that they shared.