#Aye needs to realize he isn't responsible for Akk's decisions

[incandescentflower]

I can't help thinking about how big, how insurmountable Akk's walls have to be to take so long to be chipped away by Aye. He is being given full on open intimacy over and over again by Aye and he can only barely let himself go. Did Akk think he'd never be given this? Did he think he is only allowed love and attention if he is the best of the best in the eyes of people he thought were important? Does Aye's adoration confuse him to his very core? Does he deep down think he is only loveable upon conditions - even his parents, who don't seem to put that pressure on Akk themselves, but still he has internalized that he is only loveable if he is someone to be proud of in the eyes of his school (and society as it stands in for).

And here is Aye putting forth unconditional love - even when Aye has seen Akk at his most shameful, even when Aye has called him out on things he has done wrong, Aye still cares, still opens up, still proves he wants to be with *this* version of Akk. The one who is flawed, and stubborn and true.

And even in the face of that, Akk can only give so much, can only open bit by bit. They are both so scared, but hanging onto each other exactly where they need to be - Akk still trying to keep control of his feelings and not ready to just let go, Aye needing to be loved, to be trusted, to be opened up to and only getting glimpses.

But that is probably why their feelings for each other are so significant to one another. Aye's central pain seems to come from not being let into Dika's internal world and not knowing what was happening and not being able to help. Aye feels like an outsider in all things and Akk is letting him inside bit by bit.

And Akk needs to figure out what he believes and not just follow ideology based on who he currently has feelings for. It's powerful that Aye shows that he cares for Akk even when he hasn't taken steps to make things right yet. It gives Akk the freedom to figure out where he stands without it being about someone else, but what is inside Akk and what he believes to be right.

Akk is still scared, but he is getting braver bit by bit. They both are trusting each other more and more and soon, hopefully, they will finally let go of their last secrets from each other and fully trust one another.