#81 days to goooo mwuahahahagaggaga

[feelingcauliflower]

73/153

hi kind of stopped myself from posting updates in middle of exams BUT OFFICIALLY DONE WITH FIRST SET OF EXAMSSSSS!!!!!! trying so so fucking hard to be proud of myself for surviving. i am however quite relieved. babe wake up we’re halfway thru the marathon.

first exam was atrocious but figured i slept too less(and also did not fucking study at all let alone enough) spent the first few days of exam week frustrated over how i couldve had it all only if i put in SOME work it’s not even impossible or that hard in terms of like academic difficulty. but there we were again suffering from the consequences of my own inaction. the exams however ofc got progressively worse and then a bit better(those that hold least % in final grade ofc) but i am so grateful for them nonetheless. havent felt the joy of taking a ‘good’ exam in so, so long.

ok so let’s try thinking about how i feel. yesterday i was not being able to get back to the grind u know the exam week high but i know it will be difficult but i have to get it done anyways so i have to drill it in my head because most things if u want to do good at u have to do consistently u have to put in the work and it isnt sunshine and glitters every time but u HAVE to show up nonetheless. now coming back to how i feel i am scared and anxious and jittery had one too many coffees. i am slightly excited i want to be more excited. i am so scared of slacking this time too if that happens i will lose faith in myself again. no matter how stupid it sounds i may never forgive nyself it’s not about getting a bad grade more of how i can’t + don’t put in any work at all. i have gone through so much in the last couple years but never processed it all so on that aspect i am super proud of myself for just surviving but idk man. winters are always so hard i hope to cope better this time.

was am quite upset for the biggest Ls i took in bio, such shame, such shame. but hey we have another shot at this so spent one day begrudgingly and groggily on 5 hours of sleep with internet being cut off countrywide and scrolling yt shorts and then set out to study again, was very very distracted. so here are things i wish to do from today(it’s 2:30am) from after wake up:

- turn off my phone during study sessions + lock my door(unless someone is dying or the examiner themselves walk into my room the distraction is not worth it)

- NOT scroll IG TT FB YT

- meditate, stretch, move my body

- have max 1 cup of coffee

-wave sounds/brown noise

-mid-day checkins

cant think of the rest bye for now sending love

153 days of survival

50/153

more than 30% of the time has passed. i can make it through the rest. september was me trying to somewhat fix my sleep schedule so basically just sleeping sleeping and sleeping. have not slept so much in such a long, long time. tried to stay as present as possible but did kind of leave my head every 2-3 days. has been quite the journey of doing nothing. have only one day to revise each unit lol honestly at this point i have simply accepted it. yes it makes me sad. but there is not much i can do. i will just have to roll with what my brain gives me. if it’s procrastinating and staring at screens without a single thought in my head, it is what it is. will be scheduling cry days for every 2 days again. have a nice day, week, month. thank u for reading this far, send a good thought and prayer. i am so attached to all of this it is hard to let go and give up but it is so important to know when to give things up. i am just sad and scared.

context: i am simply trying to survive my a2 exams which end on 18th of jan, 2024 and documenting this here to have some kind of responsibility. the frequency of my updates is well evident of my work.

link to previous post: https://www.tumblr.com/feelingcauliflower/728287215250276352/153-days-of-survival