#4am Kat is on some other shit

[star--nymph]

Good boy.

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

Some head canons

Teen hanma

also can see him being the type of guy who picks video games over studies

He watched tv once (horror movie)

with kisaki and it ended up with kisaki wacking him in the nuts

He has a thing for saying "fuck it" alot after risking something stupid

Hanma has a thing for clinging up your window and knocking on it at 4am

timeskip hanma

Hanma has a whole collection of watchsHe probably kisses his s/forehead while softly speaking to them about the, plans for the day every morning

homeless hanma befriended a lot of street cats and when he finds money he buys the cats food instead of buying himself food

Hi Kat, thanks for another ask (I'm absolutely lovin' this)!

C/W ::: Mmm, nothing really. More sweet Shuji.

︽ I can definitely feel the whole play before studying. If he studies that night at all. Shuji isn't stupid. He's not necessarily book smart, either. But he figures he's made it this far. What more does the world want from him?

︽ I feel like Kisaki gets really impatient with Hanma (especially) sometimes and feels like there's no other option but to whack him on the balls. But to be fair, Kisaki feels like that about a lot of people.

︽ He DOES say fuck it. I think before doing stupid shit, too. Sometimes, that's the last little push he needs from himself to get the (crazy) job done.

︽ Hanma totally goes to your window at 4am. On nights when he just can't stop thinking about you and how nice you keep being to him. You're one of the first people that doesn't treat him like an absolute asshole (that he secretly feels like??? Is that so much of a stretch?)

︽ He is so vain sometimes! But he would argue there's "nothing wrong with taking pride in your outer appearance." Whether it be with clothing, jewelry, watches, hair ... the man probably has a regular place he gets his brows done, gets facials, and has regular full-body massages. I just see him as someone who likes to be papmered. So what if he has to do it for himself. He's earned it (lowkey not really, though, but he has that mentality that he "deserves it").

︽ When you and Hanma spend the night together, it's usually at his place. He likes the added security of his boys being nearby if anything happens. He can send you off with them or have them stay with you there (he might not even have to wake you up if there's anything eventful happening in the middle of the night), and he won't need to worry about you getting hurt over some stupid shit he started with Toman or Black Dragon. But he totally wakes you up with sweet, soft, minty kisses all over your face in the morning because he's already been up for 2 hours, drinking his coffee and catching up on shit. He brings you a French pressed coffee (a latte, with your favorite flavor or syrup. I think he drinks it black usually, but you've gotten him to sway/experiment with his tastes a little here and there.) And he'll sit down on the bed next to where you're laying and discuss what each of you will be doing that day and how you're coming back to his place again tonight - because he said so.

︽ HANMA. IS. A. CAT. PERSON. I'll say it again. HANMA. IS. A. CAT. PERSON. His landlord/lease doesn't allow pets, so he has to do without. But! But! But! There's a dumpster out back that the complex throws their trash away in, and it's become home to about 15 strays. He saves his table scraps for the "little beggars" when he has something tasty to eat (and by save his table scraps, I mean he saves his food for them to nibble on). He only recently told you about how he helps these kitties out. You think it's the sweetest thing for such a tough guy like him to do, and you know better than to make a big deal about it because he'd get embarrassed and then he and the cats would suffer. And there's enough suffering in the world. You also slip about 6,000 ¥ into his wallet and coats once every couple of weeks or so when he's not looking so you can help feed him AND the cats. You're a big softy for general wellbeing. He's always so surprised to find the money, "Oh what? Look what I found, hana! Shit, I'm lucky. The happy look on his face is so worth it for you because you know deep in your heart of hearts that he's thinking first of the cats and then he'll get whatever he can with anything left over.

Taglist ::: @sjsjkkalatjejejskal @arlerts-angel @viburnt @darkstarlight82 @kazutora-kurokawa

I love your HC's, Kat! (And welcome! We're always happy to have more of us join the ranks! ONE OF US, ONE OF US! ;))

[balillee]

im talking about euphoria again bc I NEED TO but i understand not everyone is comfy with it so it's under the cut

s2 had a rocky fuckin start, but the back half of the season is DAMN GOOD.

the one thing i wanted to talk more than anything about is cassie.

god, she is a shadow of the girl we saw in season 1. she's still kind of a slut but that's it. cassie has changed A LOT, and the latest episode (s2e7) is a big highlight of that.

when maddy was with nate, she rocked mostly co-ords, lots of heavy makeup - that sort of thing, and now in season 2 she still looks distinctly like herself but more comfortable. she's away from her abuser and she has the space to be a little more confident elsewhere when her boyfriend isn't slamming her against the side of a truck and telling her she looks like a hooker.

cassie never straightened her hair. her hair was always kind of naturally blonde and beachy - sometimes she had bangs - but she always had some level of natural to her look. it was still signature euphoria with the glitter and the crystals and the magic and the neon lights, but cassie looked human. not to say maddy doesn't or didn't, but there was an air of artificiality to whoever dated nate jacobs, mainly because he values them as his property more than his girlfriends, or now ex-girlfriends i guess.

in episode 3 there's a scene which explores how despite the fact that cassie is going behind her best friend's back not only by trying to get with her ex boyfriend, but her old abuser, she has become completely and utterly obsessed with him in almost an innocent, devoted way. she wakes up every morning at 4am, spending 3 hours getting ready (sidenote: my favourite thing about this is that she uses a lot of depuffing creams and rollers which she wouldn't have to use if she got regular amounts of sleep, and the camera shaking becomes more erratic the more obsessed with him she becomes). cassie tries a bunch of different looks, trying to look attractive for nate who, as per rue's narration is 'pretending not to notice her' (although that's hotly debated). it's only when cassie dresses up exactly like maddy would in season 1 - co-ords, high ponytail, cute handbag, down to the fucking BABY HAIRS - is when nate finally notices her for a second and cassie visibly looks happier than she's ever been. maddy seems weirded out by the fact that cassie has emulated her in such an obvious way, but cassie runs off to class and the scene ends there.

cassie's shit gets aired by rue in episode 5. rue asks cassie how long she's been fucking nate, and maddy gets angry to the point of threatening violence in front of the group (which, mind you consists not only of maddy, cassie and rue but also lexi - cassie's little sister - cassie's mum, kat and rue's mum). cassie in the previous episode tried blackmailing nate into a relationship with her, stating she was crazier than maddy (a bold fucking claim to make), but when confronted with maddy's anger she freezes and she flees to her bathroom. it's shown in episode 7 that maddy didn't actually get physically violent when her and kat chased cassie upstairs, only that she banged on the bathroom door and begged for cassie to tell her that it was worth it - it wasn't about nate, it was about cassie and whether or not it was worth it to throw away their years of friendship and care for each other, something that was highlighted in the play to the point that cassie stormed out for a moment, just for some dick from the man who had abused maddy to the point that she got involved with the police (albeit unwillingly). maddy asks, 'when does it end?' . the abuse continues not directly from nate, but from cassie this time, a girl who she loved with all her heart and soul. kat then encourages maddy to leave, and they leave together.

i think this season does a great job of showing maddy's softer side, too. in season 1 she was a bit of a god damn girlboss. she called nate's mum a cunt right to her face, she threatened to fight a police officer, and in season 2 it's shown that maddy does get physically violent with people enough that it briefly makes cassie scared for the consequences of her actions before she deems herself crazier than her. but then you see glimpses of maddy being gentle with others. especially you see her relationship with the boy she babysits and how friendly and kind she is, you see how giddy she gets about the dresses in samantha's wardrobe, how despite samantha admits to being like cassie in highschool, they are good friends and samantha even gifts maddy one of the dresses she liked. maddy shows clear care towards lexi and is much gentler with her knowing that lexi is a bit more introverted, she's friendly with jules, maddy kisses theo on the head goodnight, she shows vulnerability about her parents fighting and when nate plays russian roulette ON TOP OF HER. maddy cares deeply under all that confidence, and it's showing especially without the presence of nate constantly in her life.

it's what makes the parallel so heartbreaking. in episode 1, cassie and nate are hooking up in the bathroom at the new years party against the door when maddy storms over, demanding nate opens the door because she needs to pee. it's played off as both tense and comedic, and that's where you get the iconic photo of cassie in the bathtub covering her mouth. maddy is banging on the door, being loud and confident and cocky and an asshole to nate, accusing him of taking a mean ass shit.

then, cut to the flashback in episode 7 when you see maddy banging on cassie's bathroom door, crying almost hysterically under the realisation that what nate does to people won't end and his abuse continues through cassie like a catalyst. there is no nate to speak for her and protect her this time, there is no bathtub to hide in, just maddy asking for the truth, and cassie, once again, being completely silent and complicit, guilt strewn across her face.

in episode 6 cassie is having a full on breakdown. her family don't trust her anymore, her mother is particularly angry with her, and lexi has had enough of her shit. it gets bad enough to the point that cassie accuses her mother of saying she doesn't have any self-respect (wow, cassie, maybe it's because you don't. ever thought of that my love?), tries to harm herself with a corkscrew, claims the trauma of her dad leaving her is worse than the trauma of rue's dad dying (comparing trauma is a fucking no-go, cassie, especially when SHE IS A RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT GOING THROUGH SEVERE WITHDRAWAL), and the second nate calls her, she packs her bags and leaves the home, staring her mother in the eye as she does it, a confirmation that her daughter truly does have no self-respect just to drop everything in her life for a man. the episode even ends with cassie admitting to nate that she 'ruined [her] entire life for [him]'.

the first thing you notice about cassie in episode 7 is that she's straightened her hair. she's wearing much heavier makeup with a darker lipstick that doesn't really suit her and some bright pink shadow. she doesn't look like cassie anymore. she looks like a barbie doll, which is kind of nate's exact image of the perfect woman. we get it layed out in season 1 - he likes hairless beach models who present themselves in very exact ways, and cassie has styled herself to fit nate's standard. there's even a very creepy scene where cassie literally submits herself to nate. she says that he now controls what she wears, what she eats, who she talks to and that she basically exists as his servant now that she's literally got nothing left in her life. maddy even comments seeing cassie for the first time post-cassie moving in with nate that she 'fits the part' of being nate's girlfriend.

she didn't do this with mckay, just FYI. this is a nate thing. like cassie and mckay weren't good for each other, and there was even a moment where mckay suggests cassie wear something a little less suggestive to the college party they're going to which is a point of contention, but it was better than THIS.

during the play, lexi adds the part where maddy's parents are fighting so often that cassie's mother lets maddy stay at their place until things get better. lexi is in her bed, cassie in hers, and maddy is sleeping on some kind of makeshift bed on the floor, and cassie lets maddy sleep in the same bed with her and maddy cries herself to sleep about it. in the play, it's portrayed as lexi getting to know the softer side of maddy that she feels a lot less intimidated by, because a lot of the play is just lexi's perspective on literally everything - even the perspective of the backstory we got for cassie in season 1 but from lexi's perspective, memories which, to her, were not so fond. but cassie didn't really give a shit.

this is when cassie storms out. nate doesn't go with her to comfort her, but she goes to the bathroom to calm herself down from crying. she fake smiles to herself, and wordlessly, she says so god damn much. 'i'm still cassie!'. no you're not. you have no friends, you left your family for some abusive, closeted gay boy and you don't even look like yourself. 'don't feel so guilty, you have everything you ever wanted!' - she's clearly guilty of being so horrible to maddy, covering it up with her idea of this perfect relationship with a man she loves because she craves a masculine figure in her life that won't leave her. then, when nate storms out following the gayest presentation of his life he feels humiliated, and, knowing the play was written by lexi, breaks up with cassie and wants her out of his house. cassie seethes, and storms back to the door. that's where the episode ends. she doesn't get angry at nate, presumably at lexi for putting the play on in the first place, but i see it as her not blaming the men in her life for leaving, but the people who made them leave. i think cassie holds a little more resentment for her family than she lets on because she loved her dad that much.

their formal relationship didn't last a full week. it didn't even last a full episode, and i think that's testament to how truly pathetic and unfulfilling this endeavour should be for cassie. she cut off ties with all of her friends, repeatedly antagonised rue, walked out on her family, just for some dick that didn't even last a week. to answer your question, icon legend superstar maddy perez, no it was not worth it. AND YET, you see miss booboo the fool, the single most wet and pathetic girl in existence, seethe and walk up with steam coming out of her ears to the auditorium doors because when you strip everything else away from cassie, all you have left is someone so deeply traumatised by her dad's departure that any attention from a man makes her more and more infatuated than the last. she's hypersexual, she cheats, she backstabs, she submits, and she serves men. and when she doesn't even have a man to love her, there is literally nothing left but pure resentment for everything around her. you strip away who you think cassie is and she shows her true colours. someone who may in fact be a little more crazy than maddy.

[prettyinlimegreenboots]

Code Silver - Life in the ER

This is the continuation of my “Life in the ER” series. This takes place two months after the previous installment. As always, you don’t necessarily have to read the previous installments but it may help clarify any questions you have.

Now take note of this MAJOR WARNING - there is an active shooter situation in this chapter. There will be blood, cussing, needles, surgery and death in this chapter. You have been warned.

I do not own Dr. Leighton. His name was originally used in Code Black, which is one of my favorite medical dramas. I do not own that name. And Dr. Weasley is named after the famous red-headed family in Harry Potter - I don’t own that name either.

As always, feedback would be wonderful and much appreciated. Buckle up kids, this is going to be a doozy of a ride.

June 10, 2021 11:00am

He never wished for a normal day while working in the ER but he wished for one today. Wishing for normal days, usually, meant that the hours in the ER were filled with chaos and craziness and somehow even more casualties than an average shift. He sighed as he thought back on the long night he had. Mack had been up most of the night, and usually Race could get her settled down but he was at his wits end. Spot ended up getting up to help him, making the 5am wake up call a struggle.

“Get it gear, Conlon.” Plums teased as she stood at the nurse’s desk giving a look. “Coffee not kicking in?”

Groaning, he looked up from the keyboard he was staring at a little too intently, nodding to the white cup sitting beside his hand. “This is my fifth cup; if it hasn’t kicked in yet then I don’t think there’s hope. Little miss only wanted me last night.”

“Ahhh those days are fun. Addie is in a Jack phase right now and I’m chopped liver.” Plums grinned. “Hopefully that won’t last long?”

Spot shrugged. “It’s been a week already. It doesn’t help when I’m working the early shift. She loves to party between 2 and 4.”

“Ugh do not miss those days. Addie is finally sleeping all the way through the night. She gets up at 5:30, just as I’m walking out the door though.” She smiled as Albert slid into a chair. “You okay, Al?”

He grinned. “Yea, patient in room four needs a checkup at some point. What’d I missed?”

“Noted - thanks. Spot’s kid throwing a rager from 2-4am.” Plums pointed out.

Albert chuckled loudly. “Ahh that sounds like fun.”

“Don’t laugh - this’ll be you this time next year.” Spot pointed his index finger in Albert’s direction. Finch and Albert had announced their little bundles of joy would be arriving around the beginning of December.

The grin slid from his face as Spot’s words made him pause. “Shit. I guess I will be taking notes from you both before that time.”

A call came over the intercom as Plums grabbed a chart before heading down the hallway. “Duty calls. Meet you guys in the cafe around 1 for lunch?”

“See you then.” Spot saluted her as he finished typing up his notes, looking over his shoulder at Albert who was writing in his own chart. “You doing good?”

A smirk crossed Albert’s face. “Doing well. Finch mentioned that we should have you and Race and Jack and Kat over for a cookout.”

“That’ll be fun.” Spot sighed, typing something in the chat he was having with another doctor, groaning as he stood up. “I’ve got to go draw another vial of blood. Don’t miss me too much.”

Albert blew him a kiss as he watched him walk away with a shake of his head. “Don’t worry, pooks, I won’t.”

Spot quickly drew the vial of blood from his patient in bay 12 before walking it upstairs to deliver Elmer. “Got some fresh, still warm blood for you. Orders should be in your inbox.”

“How’s the world of emergency today? Quiet?” Elmer accepted the vial before typing a few keys on his keyboard, giving Spot a quick smile.

Spot sighed, leaning against the wall, trying to stretch his back. “It’s quiet but two ambulances were pulling up just as I escaped up here. Is it 6pm yet?”

“Sorry, you still have 6.5 hours to go.” Elmer was way too cheerful as he delivered that news to Spot, who merely groaned.

The hospital phone that was attached to his hip dinged with a message that made him smile. “Hey if you haven’t eaten by 1, we’re planning on eating in the cafe. Come by.”

“I’ll see if I can get away. These results will be in your patient’s chart by the time you get back downstairs.” Elmer grinned.

Saluting him, Spot grinned. “Thanks, Elm. You’re the best.”

Whistling along to a song that was stuck in his head, he headed back downstairs, via the stairs. He hopped down the stairs as he thought about everything that he needed to do before his shift ended. Just as his foot hit the bottom stair, the intercom blared to life with a “Code Silver” followed by the Emergency Department as the location. Words you never wanted to hear in a hospital. A shiver ran down his back as his brain processed the words. Gripping the handle of the staircase he faltered in his step. Active shooter.

Throwing open the heavy stairwell door, he found himself in a surprisingly empty hallway. His shoes squeaked softly as he made his way to an empty patient room, quickly darting behind the door for protection. Grabbing the blue hospital issued phone, he opened it, silencing the volume. He sent a message both to Plums and Albert asking them where they were.

As he waited, all he could hear was someone yelling and the blood rushing through his ears. The phone vibrated in his hand as he quickly brought it up to eye level. From Plums: Patient’s room, door locked, everyone okay. You?

Ignoring her message for now, he started making his way back towards the center of the Emergency Room. In the back of his mind, he knew he should get out while he could but not while his sister-in-law and best friend were in the middle of danger.

“Where the hell is Nicole Ridder?” A loud voice raged, catching his attention as he slid under a desk. “Where is she?”

A gunshot went off as several more screams pierced the air as a hand slammed on a desk. “Where is she?”

Looking around the corner, Spot’s eyes went wide, as he took in the scene. Albert was under the desk, the very desk the man was loudly banging his fist on. Sadie, a nurse that Spot didn’t know too well, was staring down the man. “Sir, there is no Nicole Ridder here. I just checked our in-patients and there’s no one here by that name.”

“She texted me and said she’s here and now you won’t fucking let me see her.” The man screamed as another gunshot exploded, breaking the silent air. All Spot could do was watch Sadie crumble as the bullet hit her.

The man hit his hand once more before taking several steps, waving the gun in front of several other nurses, the air returning quiet. “Nicole, where are you?”

The man neared Spot’s position, as he tried to make himself smaller. “NICOLE!”

His shouts became more desperate as he started pushing open closed doors. Spot tried to regulate his breath as the man’s footsteps came closer.

He stopped at the desk that Spot was sitting under, his hand pounding the top. His voice was gruff as he cocked the trigger of the gun. “I know there are more people here - just tell me where in the hell Nicole is and I won’t shoot up the place.”

A cry broke the silence, as both Spot and the man looked towards a closed door. Within seconds the man was standing in front of the door, the butt of the gun banging against the solid wood door.

His hand tightened around the door handle, jiggling it to open it but found it locked. “NICOLE, OPEN THIS DOOR! I know you’re in there.”

A noise behind Spot made him look. Albert and a few other nurses made a break for it, running for a door that would lead them outside. Spot felt a rush of air escape his mouth. Albert was safe. But he feared for Plums’ safety.

Plums’ POV

The jiggling of the door handle sent a shiver down her back. She was currently hiding behind the bed, with her patient and her patient’s child, trying to keep them both safe. Putting a finger to her mouth, she locked eyes with the two.

She had been about to discharge Josie, who had strep throat, when the Code Silver had come over the intercom. Immediately she had shut the door, locked it and put the chair under the handle, blocking them in the small room.

“NICOLE, OPEN THIS DOOR! Goddammit I know you’re in there.” The jiggling continued as tears crowded her eyes. She attempted to calm her breathing.

Grabbing the blue phone, she quickly typed something in and sent it to both Albert and Spot, hoping the two of them got out before this madness began.

“NICOLE DAMMIT OPEN THIS DOOR.” The man’s voice pleaded as his fists hit the door, each bang louder than the previous.

She slipped her hand into the little girl’s, giving it a squeeze, as she prayed that the ordeal would end soon.

Spot’s POV

He felt the phone vibrate in his hand as he opened the message.

I’m in the room with her and her daughter.

The gasp escaped his mouth before he could help it but the pounding on the door told him the gunman hadn’t heard. He wished he had his personal cell on him but the hospital frowned upon that. He just wanted to get a message to Race.

His thoughts stopped for a minute. Race. His husband who was out on summer break, at home with their daughter. Or maybe he and Jack took the girls out for lunch and were at least together. Leaning his head back, he stretched his neck muscles, praying that he’d get to see his daughter and husband at least one more time.

Taking a steady breath, Spot’s mind started turning. He needed to get that gunman away from that door if Plums had a chance to get away.

Opening up the phone, he quickly typed out a message to Plums Right outside the door under the desk.

His butt was falling asleep as he sat scrunched up under the desk. He slowly adjusted himself, cussing when his shoe squeaked. Spot cussed under his breath as the pounding on the door came to a standstill. “Who’s there?”

Eyes wide, Spot bit his lip in an attempt to stay quiet. “Show yourself or I will put a bullet through this door. This isn’t a game.”

Another gunshot sounded as screams pierced the air. Several more gunshots were fired in quick succession as the man growled under his breath. “Damnit, Nicole, get your skinny ass out here now. Quit playing these damn games.”

Another several gunshots were fired through the door, wood splintering as the bullet made contact. Several screams pierced the quietness, one of which was most definitely Plums.

Spot could hear the man pacing in front of the door, as his shoes squeaked with each pass. Every few seconds, the butt of the gun would knock against the door. Spot could hear him growl, growing frustrated by the situation at hand. “You leave me no choice, Nicole.”

Before he could take another breath, the gun was fired in quick rounds, several bullets hitting the wooden door as screams erupted from the small room. Spot eased out from his position, looking at the man as he screamed and unloaded his gun into the small room.

He heard the familiar click of the gun, signaling that it was out of ammunition. Spot took that moment to stand and look at the man. He moved stealthily, as he made his way to the man. Before he could think, he punched the man, successfully crumbling him to the ground. The gun went sliding down the hallway as Spot punched the man a few times. “Plums, get them the hell outta here.”

The man attempted to hit Spot back but was unsuccessful and several seconds later, the police came in, slapping handcuffs on the man before helping Spot up.

Spot stood, chest heaving as his brain caught up on what had just happened. He faltered in his step just as a police man caught him. “Sir, you okay?”

“Dizzy.” He mumbled just as he collapsed and fell to the ground.

Plums’ POV

Holding up her hands, she hurled herself over to the police and told them to get the hell in there, that the gunman had been subdued.

Without another word, she watched several police officers make their way into the building as she was led to a makeshift medical area. She was led to a stretcher where her vitals were checked and she was given a check over. She had some cuts from glass and bruises but nothing life threatening. The mental reminders would take some time to overcome. Albert wrapped a warm blanket around her shoulders as she sat on the bed. “It was Spot.”

Albert’s hands stilled as he took her blood pressure. “Spot what?”

“Spot subdued the gunman by hitting him and knocking him out.” Plums whispered as she looked at Albert.

Albert dropped the stethoscope, before pulling her into a hug, as she lost it. The tears, fears, relief all came bubbling to the surface. He hushed her, brushing his hand up and down her back as he attempted to calm her down. “Hey it’ll be okay. Jack, Race, and Finch are all outside and as soon as you’re done, I’ll bring them all back, okay?”

She nodded, her breath coming out in gasps, as he took her blood pressure. He did a few other checks, she figured for bullets or any other damages before jotting down something on the piece of paper at the makeshift table. “Do you want me to stay or go get them?”

“Can you stay and have someone get them? Also, where’s Spot?” She asked, eyes wide with the fear still radiating through her body. She knew the adrenaline would be cursing through her body for some time yet.

Albert nodded, stepping out for a moment before coming back in. “Maddie is going to get Jack, Race, and Finch and she’s checking on Spot.”

“Albie?” She asked, clutching the blanket tighter around her.

“Yea Plums?” He asked, scribbling something on a chart in front of him. He looked up, looking at one of his family members, trying to keep it all together.

She sniffled, looking at the cut on her hand. “Was anyone killed?”

He stilled with the question, dropping the pen before walking over to wrap her in a hug as she broke down crying. “Shhh.” He whispered as he ran a hand up and down her back.

Tears clouded his eyes as he listened to her heartbreaking sobs. Soon they turned to snuffs as she pulled away from him and wiped her eyes. “Sorry.”

“No, Kat, you have nothing to apologize for.” He shook his head. “You’re safe and your body is trying to regulate itself. It’s okay. But to answer your question, I haven’t heard anything about anyone. Once I got out, they checked me out and said they needed help with injuries so I’ve been doing this. I was just relieved to see you run out.”

Looking up, she gasped seeing Jack, Race, and Finch all standing there. Before she could do anything, Jack was pulling her into a hug as she busted into another round of tears. Jack was mumbling stuff in her ear and running his hand through her hair as she immediately felt safe in Jack’s arms. Leaning back, she pressed a kiss to his lips. “Love you too.”

Stepping away from Jack, she pulled Race into her arms as he sniffled. “I’m so glad you’re okay. Where’s Spot?”

“He was the one who subdued the gunman. He’s probably talking to the police.” She mumbled, watching Race’s face crumble.

She watched many emotions cover Race’s face as he faltered. “He did what?”

“I don’t know how but he knocked the gunman out and told me to get out of there.” She looked at him. “He’s a hero, Race.”

Tears clouded Race’s face as she pulled him back into a hug. “He was fine when I was running out of there so I’m sure he’s talking to the police.”

She soothed him, by rubbing a hand up and down his back. She watched Jack talk to Albert and Finch. “Where are our girls?”

“Medda has them.” Race pulled back, wiping his eyes. “Jack and I were hanging out at your house when she stopped by. When this came across the news, Jack said we needed to get down here. We held our breaths every time the door opened. We got here just after Albert came running out.”

Nodding, she sat back on the bed, wrapping the blanket around her. She looked over at Finch, whose fingers were laced with Albert’s. “Hi Finch.”

“Hi Kat. Glad you’re okay.” He smiled, squeezing Albert’s hand.

Nodding, she looked at the men in the room, sighing. “Hey Al, can you go check with Maddie?”

He nodded, leaning over to kiss Finch before escaping out of the medical area.

Sighing, she kicked her legs, antsy with wanting to know what was keeping Spot. She figured the police would want to talk with him but he should be done by now. She felt Jack stand behind her with his hand on her shoulder. She knew it would be a long time before he would be able to have her out of his sight.

Albert’s face was stoic as he returned with a police officer. “Plums, this is Office Ramirez. He’d like to talk to us for a few minutes.”

“Katherine Kelly, sir. This is my husband Jack and our friends, Tony, Albert, and Patrick. Tony is Sean’s husband. Can you tell us what’s going on with Sean Conlon?” Plums sat up straight, trying to look more authoritative than she felt. Her heart plummeted into her stomach as he was introduced. Usually having a police office come talk to them was never a good thing.

Officer Ramirez shifted, pulling his hat off before looking at the same group of friends. “I was first through the doors when I saw Sean on the floor punching the gunman. Several officers took care of the gunman while I went over to Sean. I got him to his feet when he mumbled that he was dizzy and before I knew it, he had fainted.”

“Doctor White was in the vicinity and immediately started checking Sean. In the initial check, he had blood on the left side of his scrubs. Several nurses and Dr White loaded him onto a gurney and rushed him upstairs to surgery.” Officer Ramirez’s face was grime as he relayed the information. Race gasped, processing the information. “If you’d like, I will escort you up to the surgery floor where you can wait?”

Kat sat back as the words hit her. She looked over at Race, who staggered a bit, only for Albert’s arm to wrap around his waist. “That would be great. But I have one other question - was anyone killed today?”

The officer paused. He was conflicted on how much he should actually tell them. “There were two nurses and an orderly that were killed. There were several that were injured by the stray bullets.”

Tears crowded Kat’s eyes as she thought about her coworkers and their families. Hanging her head, she let a sob out as someone put their arms around her. She looked up at Race whose face was tight with a mix of emotions as he hugged her. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked at Officer Ramirez. “I’ll need a few minutes to talk with some of my colleagues but after that, can you escort us upstairs?”

“Absolutely ma’am. There will be a police officer outside the waiting room just for some extra protection. And we will need to speak with you and Mr. DaSilva at some point.” The office said, as Kat nodded.

She pushed the blanket off of her before she looked at Jack. Leaning up, she gave him a quick kiss and hugged Race before walking out into the still mayhem scene.

Maddie came up and gave her a hug. “I’m glad you’re okay. Any word on Spot?”

“He’s in surgery but that’s all I know. We’re going to head up to the surgical waiting room. Can you let the head honchos know?” Plums asked, giving the young nurse a look, as she looked around the mayhem of police officers, nurses, and patients.

Maddie quickly nodded. “I can do that. Do you want me to have food sent up?”

“Thanks, that would be nice since all of us just want a status update.” She smiled at Maddie.

“Consider it done. Just let us know when he’s out and doing okay?” She asked, as Plums quickly agreed before going back to the medical area.

Making sure they had everything, Kat gave Officer Ramirez a look as he led them through the eerie empty halls of the Emergency Room to the elevators. Katherine moved quickly, not wanting to be reminded of what had happened there just a short while ago. The group was silent as they got on the elevators, watching the numbers slowly rise up to level 8, the surgical floor.

Several police officers were already waiting outside of the waiting room as they stepped off the elevator. Kat led the group into the room, where a couple of styrofoam containers were on a table along with two sets of scrubs. “If you need anything, my officers will be outside. When you’re ready to talk to us, just let us know.”

“Thank you for everything. Let us get changed and get some food, then at least I’ll be ready to talk.” Kat told him before she looked at Albert, who nodded.

Officer Ramirez gave her a slight smile before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind him.

She watched Albert and Finch walk over to the food as Jack and Race hovered near her. She smiled weakly at them both before picking up a pair of scrubs and walking over to the bathroom to change. Not wanting to see the scrubs she had on ever again, she threw them into the trash before joining the men in the waiting room. As the door closed behind her, she pulled her hair down, wanting her hair to be done, instead of up in a ponytail like it normally was when she was on shift.

Jack and Race had styrofoam containers balanced on their knees as they ate. Finch and Albert were throwing theirs away.

“There’s a sandwich and mac and cheese there for you.” Jack motioned over to the table as he continued to eat.

Nodding, she sat at the table, immediately opening the mac and cheese container and eagerly eating the cheesy goodness. “Any word?”

Shakes of heads were her answer as she sighed and banged her head against the wall. She knew she should go downstairs to get hers and Spot’s stuff but she just didn’t have the energy.

Her eyes darted around the room. Apart from the eerie quietness, the people in the room were okay. She just wished she could find out what was up with Spottie and why it was taking so long. Her brain kicked into medical mode and she wondered how serious Spot’s injuries really were.

“Kat?” Jack broke her train of thoughts by softly calling her name. She raised an eyebrow at him. “The police are ready to talk to you if you are.”

Nodding, she quickly threw away her trash, grabbing a water bottle before she walked out of the room, ready to be done with the day.

Jack looked at Race who was twiddling with his hands, looking absolutely lost. “Race?”

“Yea Jack?” He asked, looking up from playing with his wedding band.

“I know it’s a stupid question but you doing okay? Do you need anything?” He asked.

Race shrugged, sighing. “I just want to lay eyes on him and make sure he’s okay. My mind keeps playing the what if game and it won’t stop until I can see him.”

“Do you want me to have momma bring up the girls?” Jack asked, knowing Kat would want to see Addie sooner rather than later.

Race was torn. On the one hand, it would be good to hold Mack until he knew about Spot; on the other, the little girl would want to explore the unfamiliar place and Race didn’t know if he could be patient with her as his nerves were already frayed. “As much as I would love to say yes, she’s better off with momma at the house.”

Jack nodded. “Do you want to play cards?”

Race loved his brother but he could slug him at the moment. He understood what Jack was trying to do but he just wanted to know how the hell Spot was doing. “No Jack. I’m fine. Just anxious to hear how Spot’s doing.”

Silence fell over the room as Race began to day dream. He thought back to earlier that morning. Did he even say he loved Spot as he said goodbye to him? Did he say have a good day or that he’d text him later? Race let his head fall backwards as it collided with the wall. Tears crowded his eyes at the lack of updates and knowledge of what the hell was going on.

Race wasn’t going to lie. It was painful to see Jack and Kat along with Albert and Finch reunite as he sat there awaiting the news of his husband. Race just prayed to whoever that Spot was okay and he would be back by his side soon.

His eyes met the clock on the wall. 1:35. Just over two hours since he heard the news about an active shooter at the hospital and his heart damn near stopped.

Pulling out his phone, he noticed there was a 40 in the top corner of his messages. People had been contacting him to find out if Spot was working and if he was okay. Race just didn’t have the heart to reply to any of them. The only one he opened was from momma as she had sent a photo of Kenzie sleeping. He smiled slightly before locking his phone and putting it back in his pocket.

The opening of the door caught his attention as a nurse slipped through. “I’m Maeve. Is this the family of Sean Conlon?”

Nodding, Race looked at the young nurse with a pleading look. “I’m his husband. Is he out of surgery?”

“I was in the operating room. The doctor is just finishing up surgery and will be in shortly.” Maeve tight lipped smiled at them.

Race cleared his throat. “Is he okay?”

“I’m sorry but the doctor will be out shortly.” She apologized as she slipped out of the room.

Jack stood, stretching his back. “I’ll go let Kat know. Anyone need anything?”

Everyone shook their heads, watching him leave the room. Race tapped his feet, a renewed energy knowing that soon he’d have some answers and maybe he could see Spot sooner rather than later.

Kat joined Jack as they came back into the room. Before she took a seat, she held something out to Race. “I had the police collect his belongings from downstairs. He has quite a lot of missed calls and texts.”

Race accepted the phone and Spot’s canvas bag with a nod. He didn’t go through it, and merely pocketed the phone. “How was your talk with the police?”

“Okay. They just wanted to make sure they had all their ducks in a row. They’re going to want to talk to Spot and you, Albert.” She directed her last words to him as he nodded, fingers laced with Finch’s.

“It might be a few days before Spot’s up for it.” Race gave his sister-in-law a look.

She quickly nodded, looking at him. “The police are well aware of that fact. His doctors will have to clear it before he is able to do so. Plus he’ll have us by his side when he does talk to them.”

The door opened once more as they all looked up. “Doctor Leighton.”

“Katherine, I’m glad you’re doing okay.” He gave her a side hug as he turned to the other four. “I’m Doctor Leighton, I did Spot’s surgery.”

“This is Tony, Sean’s husband. My husband Jack. You know Albert and his husband Finch.” Kat made the introductions. “How’s Spot?”

Doctor Leighton nodded at all of them before taking a seat. “Spot’s okay. He’s in recovery at the moment. It was tough and go for a while. He had a bullet hit him on his left side. We ended up having to remove his spleen but he lost a lot of blood. We’re currently giving him blood transfusions to try to replenish what was lost.”

“Will he make a full recovery? Can he live without his spleen?” Race asked, looking between Kat and the doctor.

The doctor nodded his head. “Yes, he will make a full recovery and at this point, we don’t see any cause of concern. We’re waiting for him to wake up. And yes, he will be fine to live without his spleen.”

“What are your concerns for him in the next 48 hours?” Kat asked, as Race was glad she asked because he didn’t know what else to ask.

Dr. Leighton sighed. “You know the concerns, Katherine. Since the spleen is so instrumental in fighting infections, I’m a bit more concerned with him catching infections going forward. He will need to make sure he’s up to date on all of his vaccines after he’s discharged.”

“So I should be more concerned when he comes down with a cold?” Race piped up as the doctor nodded.

Kat nodded. “Yes, especially in the next year as his immune system adjusts.”

“When can we see him?” Race asked, his toes tapping anxiously, just wanting to lay eyes on his husband.

Dr. Leighton looked at Race, smiling softly. “Give us about 20 minutes to get him moved to a room then you can see him.”

“Thank you Dr. Leighton.” Kat stood, shaking his hand as the rest of them did the same. He gave them a tight smile before he left them alone.

“Well he was helpful.” Race choked out as Jack Finch, and Albert both snorted.

Kat shook her head. “He’s a brilliant surgeon but he’s got little bedside manner. I’d request him in a heartbeat, a thousand times over some of the surgeons in this hospital.”

Race nodded, trusting her 1000% with anything medical related. Standing up, he started pacing, just wanting the time to go by fast so he could see Spot. “Race?”

He stopped, looking at Kat who softly called his name. “Do you need anything?”

“Just to see my damn husband.” Race sighed. “Sorry but I can’t think of anything else until I lay eyes on him.”

Kat nodded, as she couldn’t imagine if that was Jack in surgery and wanting to see him to make sure he was okay. “You heard Dr. Leighton, Race. He’s okay but I understand your frustration. Do you want us to hang back when you first see him?”

“Do you mind?” Race asked, his voice small, not wanting to give away how scared he truly was.

She stood, pulling him into a hug, running her hand up and down his back. “Of course not. You should be the first to see him. We’ll hang around while you go to visit him. Al still needs to talk to the police so he can do that while you go see him.”

The door opened and the nurse from earlier stood there. “We’ve got him settled into his room. We still have him sedated but you can go ahead and see him.”

Kat nudged Race. “Go see our boy and give him our love. We’ll hang back and see him later, alright?”

Nodding, Race hesitantly stepped forward as he followed the nurse down the hall to a room in the corner. “I’ll be right at the nurse’s desk in case you need anything.”

She propped open the door as he silently walked inside. There were two IVs, one going in each hand, one fluid of clear liquid, the other full of blood. He stood at the foot of the bed, looking at the step up, two chairs, one on each side of the bed, along with a table and two chairs off in the corner. Stepping around the bed, he sat in one of the chairs, and being careful of the IV, lacing his hand with Spot’s.

“Hey Spot.” He whispered, torn between waking him up and letting him sleep. Race had always loved watching his husband sleep, due to the fact when he was awake, he was never still. Spot was always moving around, unable to really settle unless he was sick or sleepy. “I heard through the grapevine that you’re some kind of hero. You saved a lot of people today, Spottie.”

Time, Spot only needed time. Time to heal, time to recover, time to wake up. “I know you want to sleep but I really want to see your pretty brown eyes. It’s been a pretty rough afternoon and I need to tell you I love you, because I’m not sure I actually said it this morning.”

“I’m not leaving, Spot. Wild horses couldn’t pull me away.” Race promised, squeezing his hand. “Kat, Jack, Albert, and Finch are out in the waiting room. Momma is at the house with Mack and Addie. As soon as you wake up, I’ll get her to bring the two of them up to see you.”

He continued to ramble about random things, always being told that patients could hear when they were unconscious. He didn’t want Spot to be alone and promised to fill the quiet room with his cheerful chatter.

Race held his breath, knowing that Spot would wake up with time but he wasn’t the most patient person. Squeezing his hand, he felt himself relaxing in the chair for the first time since arriving at the hospital. Race kicked his feet up onto the bed and let his head fall back to the back of the chair, listening to the constant beeping from the monitor, his eyes closing as he dozed off.

Kat’s POV

She watched Race leave the room, wanting to join him as he saw Spot but knowing Race needed some time to adjust to having Spot in the hospital bed. Standing up, she felt antsy from waiting so she paced the room as she answered texts from family and friends concerned about her.

“Kat?” Looking up from her phone, she looked over at Jack who had concern written all over his face. “You okay?”

She sighed, walking over to him and sitting beside him. “Just antsy. I’m glad Race gets to go see him but I want to check up on him as well.”

Pressing a kiss to her head, Jack nodded. “I know. Despite our rough start, Spot is like a brother to me and it’s hard when we don’t know what the next few days or even weeks will look like. But we have to go along with the doctor who seems optimistic that he’ll be alright in the long run.”

Kat reached over and laced her fingers with Jack’s. “We’ll see him soon. Let’s give Race some time with him.”

She looked at Finch and Albert and smiled sadly at them. “You two doing okay?”

“Just hanging out until we can see him.” Albert looked as worried as she felt. “You two hanging out for the night?”

Jack shrugged, giving them a look. “Depends on what Race wants us to do. We’re kinda letting him dictate what we’re doing. I just checked in with momma and she said the girls are down for their afternoon naps.”

She didn’t get a chance to answer as the door opened slowly as an older man poked his head in. Standing up, she weakly smiled at him as surprise was evident in her voice. “Dr. Weasley.”

“Katherine, they told me you were up here. I just wanted to check in with you, Spot, and Albert to see how you were doing.” He said as she nodded.

Motioning for him to come in, she sighed. “Spot had emergency surgery and he’s in a room down the hall. This is my husband Jack and Albert’s husband, Finch. Guys, this the director of the ER, Dr. Weasley. We’ve just been hanging out here waiting to see Spot after his surgery.”

Dr. Weasley nodded. “I heard that he had to have his spleen removed - he’s a tough nut and will be okay. I’ve come to tell you that you and Albert have the next week off. There will be a check-in before you’re allowed back into the hospital, per guidelines. As for Spot, we’ll take it day by day with him and when he’s cleared to return.”

“Is there anything we need to do in the meantime?” Albert came by Kat’s side as he was curious what the requirement was going to consist of.

Dr. Weasley smiled at them. “You’ll both need to see one of the hospital’s trauma specialists before you’re released to come back. You will also need to take the mandatory 5 days off before you step back in here.”

“How long will the ER be shut down for?” Kat asked, knowing it was only one of three emergency rooms within the city.

Dr. Weasley shook his head. “It’s going to be shut down for tonight but obviously the hospital doesn’t want it down for too long. They’re hoping to have it back up and running tomorrow morning.”

Frowning, Kat shook her head. “It doesn’t seem right. There were people killed in that ER earlier today and tomorrow it’s back to business like their lives don’t even matter.”

“I agree with you Plums but you know how the head honchos are.” Dr. Weasley agreed as he shook his head.

She rolled her eyes with a sigh. “It’s just not right. But I make pennies compared to them and I know nothing.”

“Keep up that attitude Plums and you’ll be alright.” He smiled, looking between her and Albert. “Do either of you need anything?”

Albert shook his head with a smirk. “Million bucks, new scrubs, better hospital food?”

“Noted but not sure what I can pull out of my magic hat.” Dr. Weasley looked between the two of them with a shake of his head. “You have my number if you need anything. I’m glad you two are okay.”

Watching him leave, Kat shook her head as the door shut gently behind him. “That was nice of him to check up on us.”

“You know it was because we’re not down at the ER with the rest of the staff.” Albert told her with sarcasm laced in his voice. “He knew it would’ve gotten around the ER if he didn’t come check up on us and Spot.”

Kat nodded. “True. I’m going to check up on Race. You guys staying here?”

Albert agreed while Finch and Jack stayed behind, letting the two of them go. Her shoes squeaked as she walked down the hallway. Pushing open the door, her shoulders immediately relaxed as she took in Spot’s appearance in the bed. A noise drew her attention away from Spot and to the chair beside him where Race was snoring away.

Stepping up to the bed, she looked Spot over as his quiet breathes matched Race’s deep snores. Albert shook his head as he reached up to wipe his eyes before taking Katherine’s hand and squeezing it. “He looks better than I thought he would.”

“What did you imagine?” Kat asked, looking over at him with a smirk.

Albert shrugged. “Bruises, black eyed, ruggedness. You know, someone who just got into a fight but he actually just looks normal.”

“Excuse you, I’m ruggedly handsome.” A voice drew their attention from each other to the bed. A smirk was on Spot’s face as he looked at two friends.

Kat’s eyes immediately watered with tears as she looked at him. “Spot.”

“I’m sore . . . what happened?” He asked as he tried to move but felt instant pain.

Albert stepped up, giving him a look. “You had surgery. They removed your spleen due to a bullet. You fainted in the ER just after the police came to take the gunman away. Race was really worried about you and had been in here for about 20 minutes before he must’ve fallen asleep.”

“Is that what that train sound is?” Spot asked, craning his head to look over to Race, who quietly snored away.

“Yes. He’s been worried sick about you.” Kat smiled. “Do you want me to wake him up?”

Spot shook his head. “Nah, let him sleep. Who’s got Kenzie?”

“Momma’s got her and Addie. Last we knew, they were taking their afternoon naps. Jack, Race, and Finch have been here most of the afternoon. They watched Albert run out.” Kat explained.

Spot nodded, as he bit his lip as a wave of pain coursed through his side. “Anyone killed?”

“Two nurses and an orderly.” Kat frowned. “But thanks to you, no one else was killed. There’s a few injuries but you saved a lot of people, Spot, including Nicole and her daughter.”

Spot shook his head. “I about died when you texted me that you were in the room with them. I knew I had to draw him away from the door in order for you to escape.”

“I’m thankful that you did but I almost passed out when I saw you slugging him.” Kat shook her head. “You’re an idiot Sean but I do love you.”

“Love you too Kat.” He reached over and squeezed her hand. “Do you want to go get Jack and Finch? I don’t know how much longer I’ll be awake.”

Albert rushed from the room, leaving Kat and Spot alone with the sleeping Race. “He doing okay?”

“Worried about you but he’s been alright.” She smiled. “He has your phone but hasn’t done anything with it. I got your stuff from downstairs.”

Spot nodded. “Thank you, Kat for everything. Any idea how long I’m in here for?”

“Dr. Leighton didn’t say but I’m sure he’ll be around to see you later.” Kat shrugged. “I’m guessing in a few days you'll be released. Albert and I are on mandatory leave for the next week and we have to see one of the trauma specialists before we’re allowed back in the ER.”

Spot didn’t say anything as the door was opened as Jack and Finch stepped into the room with Albert behind them. Kat stepped back, letting the two talk with him. Albert came over and wrapped his arm around her. “Counting your blessings?”

“Something like that.” She smiled, laying her head on his shoulder. “Just really glad my family is okay. Really glad my closest coworkers are alright. Sad that we lost some good people but happy that everyone else is okay.”

Albert shook his head. “Love you Kat.”

“Love you too Albie.” She squeezed his shoulder. “Are you and Finch heading home?”

Nodding, Albert sighed. “I just want to go home and put today out of my mind. I have a feeling we’re in for a few rough days.”

“Agreed. We’ll be around if you need someone to talk to.” She smiled. “I’m only a phone call away, okay?”

He nodded, a ragged sigh left his mouth. He watched Jack and Finch joke with Spot as he started to doze off. Once he was asleep, Finch and Albert made their way out, leaving Kat and Jack with Race and Spot.

“What do you want to do? I’m sure you could use a shower and some Addie cuddles.” Jack suggested as he looked between the two sleeping men in the room.

Kat stretched, a groan escaping her mouth. “You’re probably right but I just don’t feel right just walking away after everything we’ve been through this afternoon.”

“Kat, you’re not walking away.” Jack gave her a look. “How about I take you home, you can shower, cuddle Addie, then we can come back up here and bring them food? Does that sound like a plan?”

Nodding, she pushed off the way, pressing a kiss to both Spot and Race’s foreheads before walking out of the room, hand laced with Jack’s.

An Hour Later

The rustling of bedsheets was the sound he heard as he slowly woke up. Cracking open his eyes, it took a minute to figure out where he was. The hospital, active shooter, Spot surgery all came rushing back to him.

Sitting up in the uncomfortable chair, he cracked his back as he looked at the bed. The most beautiful sight he had seen was staring back at him. Spot, with a smirk on his face, and eyes opened as he stared at Race. “Hi.”

“After all this time and scaring the literal shit out of me, all you can say is hi.” Race was out of the chair and sitting on the side of the bed smirking. “Hi yourself. How are you feeling?”

Spot grimaced. “Sore, really sore. But other than that, okay. Kat and Albie filled me in on everything that had happened when they were here earlier.”

“You were awake and they didn’t wake me up?” Race frowned, giving Spot a look.

Squeezing their linked hands, Spot looked Race in the eyes. “I asked them not to as you were in a deep sleep. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you but I needed to know what had happened.”

“You doing okay, Spottie?” Race asked, worry in his voice.

Spot sighed loudly. “To be honest, I don’t know how I feel. I’m angry that someone interrupted the safe space the ER was. I’m upset that I lost coworkers. But I think I’m mostly grateful that Albie and Kat are both okay and safe.”

Leaning forward, Race captured Spot’s lips in a kiss. “I love you and it���s completely okay that you’re not okay. There were a lot of emotions involved in today but I’ll be here for you as we go through the next couple of days, weeks, and months. Kat and Al aren’t going anywhere and they’ll be here for you, when I can’t.”

“Love you, Racer.” Spot smiled slightly. “Also, you did tell me that earlier this morning before I left the house.”

A light blush raised on Race’s cheeks. “You heard me?”

“Yeah . . . but it was a big foggy so I couldn’t actually tell if you said that or if it was my mind playing tricks on me.” Squeezing his hand, Spot sighed. “I kept kicking myself that I didn’t have my phone on me. I only wanted to get you a message that I was okay and that I loved you. I’m just glad I have the opportunity to tell you that now.”

“Love you Spottie.”

“Love you too Racer.”

Later that Evening

He found himself sitting up in bed, a course of antibiotics and pain medication surging through his body. He was happily slurping on a strawberry milkshake while Race was cracking jokes with Jack. Kat was watching her husband and Race with an amused smile on her face. A few of their coworkers had stopped by to check up on them both, not staying long but to say their thanks to Spot for being a hero.

“You okay, Plums?” He asked over the crackle of Race’s laughter at something Jack had just told him.

Looking up from her fast food chicken nuggets, she smiled. “I’m fine. I got to cuddle Addie and Kenzie, take a shower, and pet Basil for a little bit. I had a good cry in the shower.”

“Promise me, you’ll text if you need anything?” Spot gave her a look, knowing full well that she was just as likely as him to keep things bottled up.

Nodding, she smiled. “Of course. I’ve been made to promise by Jack, Albert, Race, and now you. I scheduled my appointment for the trauma specialist for next week.”

“Good. I’m proud of you for scheduling it out already.” Spot said, giving her a look that he knew what she was thinking.

She couldn’t say another word as there was a knock on the door. Kat raised an eyebrow to Spot, silently asking if he knew who it could be. He shook his head, as she got up and answered the door. She smiled at the guests as she reached out and grabbed Addie. She pushed open the door as Momma walked in, Kenzie in her arms.

“Momma!” Spot sat up and grinned despite the pain on his side. Race stood, taking Kenzie from her arms before kissing her cheek loudly. “What are you doing here?”

“Thought it might be a good idea for you two to see your daughter. Addie is just along for the ride, though I thought her parents could see her too.” Medda grinned, watching Jack take Addie from Kat’s arms. “Besides, I wanted to check up on you to make sure you were okay.”

Spot grinned at the woman who had been the replacement momma in his life. Ever since he and Race started dating, Medda had taken him in as one of her own. “Doing alright momma. Will be laid up for a little bit as I recover but I’ll be just fine in the long run.”

“Good.” She patted his foot. “You make sure that son of mine takes care of you, waits on you hand and foot.”

Race, cuddling Kenzie, looked up at his mother with an insulted look. “Hey! As if I wouldn’t wait on him hand and foot! I take offense to that.”

Laughter sounded around the room as Medda shook her head. “I’m just thankful you, Spot, and Katherine are okay. I checked in with Albert and Finch earlier and they’re doing as well as could be expected. I’m just glad all my babies are okay and here with us tonight.”

Kat looked around the room, locking eyes with each of the people in it, giving them a smile. “I’m glad today is almost done and tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow we start to move on from today and though we'll never forget, we will start to move on.”

Kat and Spot locked eyes. Though they had always been close since college, it seemed their bond had dug a little deeper. And she smiled, there was no one she’d rather have in her corner than Spot Conlon, as he would always have her back, just like she always would have his.

Feedback would be wonderful and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Ghost BC X Love Languages

another “kat has mental illness” post inspired by This post. But this one is much happier than my murder HCs. please enjoy. (again i didn’t do all of them because I Do What I Want) 

Papa II: He seems the most cold on the outside, compared to the others. In life, and in love. But if you really know him, that just isnt the case. Papa II loves just as fiercely and as passionately as both his brothers and the ghouls, he just shows it very differently. He won’t take you on extravagant getaways at your every whim, or pull romantic stunts in your name, or shout to the roof tops about how you’re the only one for him. But if you have a favorite flower, every night he’ll bring you home a few that he picked from the Church gardens on his lunch hour because he thought of you. He’s gentle with you - not strict, stern or callous like he is with others. He knows youre strong, but thinks the best way to nurture that is to show you small kindnesses. He won’t say I love you every three minutes like clockwork, and he will only call you by your first name unless you tell him you’d prefer something else. His love language is more focused on truly understanding his partner in every way one can imagine to understand another. 

Papa III: His love language gets misunderstood a lot. And a lot of HCs I’ve posted talk about how he loves, more so than any other of the group. We know the youngest Emeritus to be extravagant, in love and in life, to be passionate, to never hold back when it comes to self expression. And as true as those things are, when you know those things about a person, they might begin to come mundane. At first, the flowers he brings you will keep you smiling for weeks. And then it’s fancy dinners. Vacations. A sky writer to mark your name in the heavens. He tries to outdo himself with every new display of affection, but thats exactly why his perfect partner is someone who never becomes accustomed to the lavish. He doesn’t do all these things so you think better of him, or return any favors. All he wants is to keep the smile on your face. He’ll tell you he loves you when he thinks you need to hear it, and even when you don’t want to. He’ll take care of you when you’re sick, however serious, and at the end of every single day, no matter what you did, he’ll crawl into bed beside you and kiss your hair and tell you how amazing you are.

Cardinal Copia: It seems, one of the only things the cardinal can do with confidence, is love. He’s very good at it. His love language revolves around how his partner likes to be shown affection, and he’s adaptable for it. He listens to his partner extraordinarily well, and proves it to them in small gestures. Kind words, or love letters, or small thoughtful gifts. He’ll do what it takes to let his s/o know that he does hear their words, and does want to do everything in his power to make them happy, and does want this to last forever. He’s good at reading people. If you’re in a bad mood, he’ll listen to you. If you want comforting, he won’t leave until you smile, but if you want to be left alone, he’ll give you space. He’s good like that - never takes it to heart when his partner needs some alone time. After all, he only has a social capacity so high himself. 

Swiss: He’s the most casual about things. He’s honest to a fault with the people he cares about. He’ll call you babe/baby, and kiss you on the top of the head before he leaves for work every morning, and before he goes to the bathroom or the kitchen. After a long day while you two are watching TV he’ll rub you feet or your back or whatever hurts. He’ll buy you flowers, and chocolates, and on Valentine's day a beautiful necklace or bracelet you pointed out in the mall a while ago. He won’t do big things for you, because he just doesn’t know how to do them without coming off as disingenuine or cheesy, but he hopes its the little displays every day that make up for it. You’ll never have to doubt that Swiss loves you, together or apart. If he’s mad at you or doesn’t feel like you’re reciprocating his feelings, he’ll tell you instead of letting it bottle up. He won’t yell, or scream, and wants to talk about issues so you can move forward from them and understand how to treat each other better. He expects the same on your end, honesty and calm discussions. Swiss needs a partner who understands that he needs to feel just as loved and noticed as he makes you feel. 

Rain: (Okay after that thing Nyx wrote about Rain in lingerie i have a very specific idea of him in my head that i am finding it IMPOSSIBLE to convey. This is not it. I will find a way one day to explain to you how i see this good man but until then you’re getting Usual Rain.) His love language is soft. He’ll give endless words of affirmation and make sure every single second of every day that they understand how much he loves and cares for them. He’s the type to give small gifts all the time, of things that reminded him of them, but not without good cause and not too much. Once a week, maybe, and only if he thinks his s/o will really enjoy it and be flattered by it. He’s more likely to stay home more than his partner, so he’ll do things around the house to keep it nice and clean. Make the bed. Sweep. Take care of any pets that need attending too, and make sure they’re fed and exercised appropriately. He’ll cook dinner for his s/o, and hell make a new recipe once a week just for some flare and see if it gets added to the roster of Good Meals that his s/o is happy to have any time. House wife boy, I suppose. 

Mountain: He’s the most casual and quiet when it comes to love. He will do absolutely nothing and assume saying i love you once in a blue moon is more than acceptable - it’s not that he doesn't care or doesn’t think of you, he’s just a little clueless. You would have to properly sit him down and tell him “i like that you do this, but i would like a little bit more of this” for him to even realize that he isn’t making you feel how he wants to. And he would listen, he’s good for that. He won’t just do it because he was told to either - he takes it to heart that he isnt making you feel loved like you should be, and he genuinely wants to remedy that 

Aether: His love language is primarily quality time. Whether out on a walk, or on a date, or sitting on the couch silently and doing your own thing, Aether is happy to just be around his s/o. He loves being able to just spend time with them, no matter what they’re doing, and comfortable silence is important to him. It shows you’re comfortable around him, and don’t feel the need to impress or ask questions. When you speak he’ll put down his phone or whatever he’s doing, and give you his full undivided attention, and expects the same from you. He’ll treat you how he expects to be treated, but never in a way that seems like he’s expecting anything ridiculous from you. Nothing elates his heart more than hearing that his s/o is proud of him, and appreciates him and all he does. Of gifts, he’s most likely to be practical with it. If you needed something for work but didn’t have time to run to the store, or needed groceries, or needed something for the house he’ll get it for you. it’s rare that he’ll give you any gift that doesn’t serve a useful purpose except for a holiday or birthday present.  

Dew: Sometimes it can be hard to tell his romantic attraction from platonic attraction, and if you dont really read it just right, it can cause some problems for you. He’s not about any of that classic romantic shit aside from a decent cuddle at night. He tends to treat his s/o like a best friend, because that’s kind of who they are too him. They’re his first options for invites to whatever adventure he wants to go on, or when he wants to walk to the gas station across town at 4am for a slushie. He won’t be more gentle with you than he is with his friends, including a little rough housing, but he still makes sure you don’t get hurt. It can sometimes feel like you’re just one of the guys, the only difference being that you’re having sex, but you have to look closely. He makes the most effort to be around you. He’ll leave you little gifts around the house that don’t seem like gifts - half a chocolate bar, a stick he found on his walk home that he thought you might like. If you live together he’ll clean up after himself more than he would have. He won’t call you pet names unless you ask him too, but he’ll shorten your name to whatever he thinks your name should be. Change it all together if he thinks it doesn’t fit you. You just have to know Dew really well to be able to understand his love language, and for a lot, its something they never learn. (the chocolate part was inspired by another post that ive now lost so if you wrote it or have the link pls send and i will link it here! wasn’t my idea i just agree!!!) 

- Kat

[midnight-circus]

alphabetical OC meme

filled this out for Lord Asshole bc i cant write anything so i may as well fill in questionnaires instead

also numerous numbers and at least one section were missing when i copied it so idk what happened there

under the cut bc its Long As Hell

A: Aptitude 1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? // Independence lmao. He could get through his whole life relying entirely on himself if need be. He wouldn’t be happy, but he’d survive. He’s also naturally intellectual and has never had to try very hard in academia.

2. what activities have they participated in? // literally what does this mean. Safe to say he’s not exactly playing team sports.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? // He’s had to work extremely hard to shed the bad habits learnt whilst growing up in a white aristocratic dysfunctional family. Other than that, he’s a talented pianist – the only thing his mother was ever proud of. Also sending work-emails that don’t make him sound like a total dick. still working on that tbh

4. what things are they bad at? // Honestly, anything creative. He’s very intelligent but has absolutely no artistic talent, and he’s not at all imaginative – creating something out of nothing when it doesn’t have a logical or scientific basis is pretty beyond him.

5. what is their most impressive talent? // In his original AU, and any fantasy AUs I force him kicking and screaming into, swordsmanship. He’s pretty untouchable with a blade.

B: Basics 1. what is their hair color?// Dark brown, close to black.

2. what is their eye color? // Also dark brown.

3. how tall are they? // 6’2

4. how old are they? // He fluctuates depending on the AU, but his default base-age is 34.

5. how much do they weigh? // Generally between 150-180lbs, depending on his age, eating habits and mental state. When he’s going through stress, his eating and sleeping patterns are the first to nosedive.

C: Comfort 1. how do they sit in a chair? // His posture leaves a lot to be desired. He slouches pretty badly, and to be honest his height makes it difficult to get comfortable in most regular chairs. He also manspreads, though to be fair his legs are about 3 miles long and it’s hard to know where to put them honestly

2. in what position do they sleep? // Either on his side or his front. Never on his back.

4. what is their major comfort food? why? // oh man sugar. His eating habits aren’t good at the best of times, but when he’s feeling Mentally Ill he’s prone to 4am binges of as much sugar as conceivably possible in one sitting. He then goes for a 5am run until he throws up, so yknow. all nice and healthy.

5. who is the best at comforting them when down? // Elrick. Gross. Also Kat, to be fair.

D: Decoration 1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? // He’s very fond of Nordic design and tries to keep vibrancy to a minimum, because he’s a boring bitch. Light walls, dark woods, pretty stylish furniture but no chrome Thank You Very Much; accent colours would probably be dark blues or greens. Plants, but only if he doesn’t have to water them because he Will forget and they Will all die. He’s also anal as fuck and despises mess and disorder, which makes living with Elrick fuckin interesting to say the least.

2. how would they decorate their child’s room? // however they wanted as long as it wasn’t pastels bc a man has to draw the line somewhere

3. how do they decorate their own room? // muted, calm, maybe a little regency – he accessorises more in the bedroom than he does in the rest of the house, gold accents here and there, that sort of thing. Less austere, more opulent. At the end of the day, he’s from an aristocratic background, however unhealthy his upbringing was – he can never quite shed the appreciation for luxe.

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? // He dresses well – very put-together, if very monochrome. He doesn’t do casual very well and will avoid jeans unless he has no other choice. He would quite literally rather die than wear shorts. As for colours, generally blacks, greys, dark jewel-tones (maroons, dark greens, dark purples, etc). Very rarely light colours, and if he does wear light tones he layers them – a white shirt under a dark leather jacket, for example. As for accessories, he stays simple with a decent watch (Patek Phillipe, thanks, none of this Rolex bullshit) and two rings (wedding ring and onyx signet ring – family heirloom, the only one he has). He knows how to dress to suit himself.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends? // >:[  

E: External Personality 1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? // For the most part. How he behaves has been moulded over many years by how he thinks and feels, and it’s hard to shed the habits of a lifetime. EG, he’s very neurotic and it does have an impact on his organisation – if his mental state slips into decline, so too does his command over his surroundings and his ability to keep things on track.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm? // Again, for the most part. A key element of his upbringing was the overbearing sense of being watched, being judged, being on display; one behaves the way one is expected to behave, and one never deviates from that path. Obviously he fucked that one right up when he started putting dicks in his mouth, but it still remains something of a mantra.

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? // Neither, really. He doesn’t follow trends because he’s actually 70 years old and doesn’t know what they are, but nor is he particularly unconventional. He does his own thing because he has no idea what anybody else is currently doing.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? // oh god no. he has a twitter account but the last time he used it he got drunk and tweeted at jeremy paxman that he was a cunt so he doesn’t really engage with it very much

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? // People are left to figure it out. He doesn’t go out of his way to make friends or advertise his personality – he’s friendly when he needs to be, but is not the sort of person to go out actively socialising.

G: Gorgeous 1. what is their most attractive external feature? // His height makes him pretty popular and he knows how to dress well. He also has that particular ‘tall, thin, dark hair, pale skin, heroin-addict-esque’ chic that some people tend to go for. He doesn’t really get it, himself.

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? // He’s witty in a very dry way – a little sharper than run-of-the-mill sarcasm.

3. what benefits come with being their friend? // Ok honestly? Money lmao. idk man you’d have to ask Kat bc she’s the only one who’s lasted this long

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? // Though he projects an aura of self-assurance, he really doesn’t like very much about himself; his upbringing and unhealthy relationship with Catholicism did a number of his self-esteem. He’s proud of his intellect and knows he is smarter than the average person, but other than that, not a great deal.

5. what parts of others do they envy? // General happiness. He’s a melancholy person by nature and doesn’t tend to feel a swell of positive emotions for no reason – he can’t help but feel there’s something inherently wrong in his brain.

H: Heat 1. do they rather a hot or cold room? // n e i t h e r bitch his internal temperature must remain on an even keel at all times. Probably cold, if he was forced to pick.

2. do they prefer summer or winter? // Winter because it means he can wear layers

3. do they like the snow? // yes but he’ll never admit it. he finds it romantic. that must never be repeated.

4. do they have a favorite summer activity? // lying in front of the fridge cursing God

5. do they have a favorite winter activity? // coffee dates. Independent coffee shops, mind you – fuck Sbux.

I: In-the-closet 1. what is their sexuality? // Gay

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? // he spent more than half his teen years wishing he was straight

3. have they ever questioned their gender? // No

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? // mother denies it completely, father kicked him out, brother doesn’t give a shit bc he’s bi as hell himself

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out? // He was forced out at 16 when he was caught with a boyfriend in the boathouse of Darlington estate – it marked the end of an already abusive parental relationship. To be honest, it’s hard to say if he would have ever had the courage to come out himself.

J: Joy 1. what makes them happy? // Feeling loved. He got very little of that in his youth.

2. who makes them happy? // Elrick has an uncanny ability. Who’d have thought it.

3. are there any songs that bring them joy? // He particularly loves Dancing in the Dark by Springsteen, and All Along the Watchtower by Hendrix. Neither are very joyful songs, granted, but they’re two of his favourites.

4. are they happy often? // He’s contented often, and he enjoys his life. ‘Happy’, though? Not sure.

K: Kill 1. have they ever thought about suicide? // More than once.

2. have they ever thought about homicide? // Not with any real intent. In a modern AU, anyway – can’t say the same for any of his other incarnations.

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? // Way deep down somewhere, he’d be tempted to say his father.

4. who would miss them if they died? // More people than he knows.

5. who would be happy they died, anyone? // lmao the tax agency probably. His father wouldn’t be happy, per se, but perhaps it would solve a problem.

L: Lemons 1. what is their favorite fruit? // Black cherries.

2. what is their least favorite fruit? // fuck bananas, honestly

3. are there any foods they hate? // Peanut butter can die, and also asparagus can also die.

4. do they have any food intolerances?  // Not that he knows of.

5. what is their favorite food? // Probably Thai or Korean.

M: Maternal 1. would they want a daughter or a son? // He technically has a son already. Kat wanted a child and she trusted Logan above an anonymous donor, so one stressful jack-off session, a weird experience with a baster and eight months later, Rowan showed up early.  Logan technically has no parental responsibilities or rights, but he’s involved in Rowan’s life nonetheless. And then there’s Bastian, whose own father leaves a Little To Be Desired in the emotional department, let’s say, so ultimately he winds up taking on that role as well.

2. how many children do they want? // One’s enough, ta, and that one doesn’t even live with him. In seriousness, he’s always idly thought about children in his life, but not with any real seriousness – he plays his role with Rowan well and he’s a great uncle to Bastian, but kids wouldn’t suit his and Elrick’s lifestyle.  

3. would they be a good parent? // Yeah, he probably would.

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? // Demetrius or Victor for a boy, Ophelia for a girl. How else will people know he’s a pretentious bitch?

5. would they adopt? // Nah

O: Optimism 1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? // Total pessimist.

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? // No and he cannot stand it when other people force optimism into entirely inappropriate situations.

3. are they good at giving advice? // lmao not unless it’s legal advice. Then yes, absolutely. Just don’t cry on his kitchen floor.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? fukkin Katherine. She’s the only one allowed to get away with it.  

5. were they always optimistic/pessimistic? // Yeah, he was a pretty dour, anxious little kid from the start.

P: Personality 1. what is their best personality trait? // From a professional perspective, he’s extremely clear-headed and analytical, and it serves him very well as a criminal prosecution lawyer – there’s not much that slips by him, and he can spot a loophole coming a mile away.

2. what is their worst personality trait? // He’s … difficult to get along with, for a lot of people. Not nasty as such, but he’s sharp-tongued and quite quick to anger in situations outside of his job, particularly when stressed. He also has a tendency to look down on people (particularly people who aren’t considered ‘smart’ by his standards) and let’s be real, he’s pretty classist – it takes him a long time to come to terms with Bastian’s relationship with Fabian. Elrick is more than happy to call him out on this.

3. what of their personality do others love? // Didn’t we already do this?

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? // god he cannot abide people who aren’t punctual oh GOD he hates people who aren’t punctual

Q: Questions 1. do they ask for help? // Not unless he’s literally dying

2. do they ask questions in class? // to be honest, he generally didn’t need to

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? // Depends on the context, but he generally tries to avoid giving out personal information.

4. do they ask weird questions? // He keeps his weird questions to himself and Googles them later.

5. are they curious? // By nature. It was curiosity that got him into the godawful mess he ended up in re: his source material.

R: Rules 1. do they follow rules? // Generally yeah, aside from the occasionally joint now and then. Although saying that, he does run very much on his own moral code, so I suppose he follows rules as long as he agrees with the sense and logic behind them.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? // It’s odd, his instinct is to be strict but he would also loathe the thought of being anything like his father, so he might swing entirely the other way in an attempt to avoid that. Hard to say. He definitely wouldn’t be like … a fun, playful parent because that’s just not in his nature, but it’s possible he’d relax his own rules significantly. Although he is fairly strict with Rowan, it’s for Rowan’s benefit - he needs rules and boundaries to be comfortable, and Logan’s not a traditional ‘father’ in that case anyway.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? // he was ‘consequenced’ pretty fuckin badly for daring to kiss a boy

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? // oh god probably, he has more regrets than he can count

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous? // He’s not got a lot of time nor respect for people who follow rules totally blindly without having some sense of self-critique.

S: Streets 1. are they street-smart? // Depends on the AU, but for the most part he’s too privileged.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets? // no because he’s actually horrible

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? // No, but he has gotten in a fight in a bar. Kat will not let him forget it.

5. are they cautious when out? // A little paranoid, perhaps, but it doesn’t stop him.

T: Truth 1. are they honest? // define ‘honest’

2. can they tell if someone is lying? // Yes, it’s literally his job.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying? // Nope. He’s a consummate liar.

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? // he lied and told Elrick that yes, he’d had sex before their first time, and then regretted it twenty minutes later when they were forced to stop because he almost died. it's fine. they worked it out

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? // not really – he plays his cards very close to his chest. Nothing gets out if he doesn’t want it to.

U: Underdog 1. have they been bullied? // Only by his parents.

2. have they bullied anyone? // Not directly to anyone’s face, but he’s definitely made some unpleasant comments.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? // If his father counts, yes.

4. have they ever been doubted? // Only from ages 2 to 34.

5. have they surprised people with being good at something? People don’t tend to expect the piano-playing, somehow.

V: Vomit 1. do they vomit often? // what is this question set. Incidentally, yes – he has a problem with running until he’s exhausted and tends to vomit after that.

2. do they get lots of stomach aches? // no?? I guess not???

3. are they good at comforting someone ill? // lol he could be better. His levels of sympathy leave a little to be desired.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? // he doesn’t, really. He generally dislikes being fussed over too much and denies he is sick until he’s unable to stand up, at which point he’s forced to accept it whether he likes it or not.

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting? // what is this question ASKING

W: Water 1. do they drink enough water? // Actually probably yes – it’s one of the few healthy habits he has.

2. have they learned to swim? // yes

3. do they like to swim? // ehhhhh he can take it or leave it

4. can they dive? // he went to an expensive private school of course he can dive

5. can they swim without holding their nose? // yes

X: Xylophone 1. what is their favorite genre of music? // Classic rock – nothing after 1989, thanks.

2. do they have a favorite song? // Hendrix’s Watchtower is up there, as mentioned, along with Don’t Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. He has favourite playlists, rather than favourite songs.

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? Blue Oyster Cult in general is a favourite, as is Black Sabbath and Springsteen.

4. can they sing well? He does ok. His voice isn’t fuckin Grammy material or anything, but he can hold a note.

5. can they rap? lmao

Y: You 1. how old were you when you created them? // lol

2. what inspired you to create them? // LOL

3. were they different when they were first created? // oh god yeah. Prototype!Logan was a fucking mess, he’s undergone some serious reworking since the early days.

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? // he’s my comfort-zone, honestly.

5. what’s your favorite thing about them? // his internal monologue of disdain suddenly being interrupted by Oppressively Gay Thoughts

Z: Zebra 1. what’s their favorite animal? // He likes watching birds, but only from a distance.

2. do they like animals? // Nah, he’s really not much of an animal person. Loud and messy, for the most part.

3. cats or dogs? // Cats, if he has to pick.

4. what’s their dream pet? // A taxidermised one.

5. do they have any pets at the moment? // A Birman cat named Saskia. It’s the only animal in the entire world that he loves. He doesn’t like cats – he likes his cat.

[kneesandtozier]

edited self promo!

i’m kat! if you followed me before then my url used to be nofists-nofights and now i’m kneesandtozier bc of i came up with the dumb IT pun at 4am. I LOVE

DEAR EVAN HANSEN

ships like tree bros n kleinsen

i post my own art of it too

jared kleinman is my meme boy

STRANGER THINGS

mileven and some byeler

STEVE

lots of joe keery

IT (2017)

bill denbrough is my love

REDDIE REDDIE REDDIE

billverly too

edit: fuck billverly ben deserves her there we go and bill belongs to MEEEE

BROADWAY SHIT

BMC! especially the boyfs

im basic so heathers ham ham and falsettos

im getting real into great comet so get ready

OTHER THINGS

star wars! mostly kylo ren

riverdale SEASON 1 (bughead/sprousehart)

parks and rec!!! forever fav (april/andy and benslie)

kingsman!

donna n eric from t7s nothing else

mememememmemes

frank turner!! my mans!!

[cathousechronicles]

Perk of living with your best friend

It is currently 4 in the morning, because I am bad at regular human sleep, and I had the most amusing occurrence. I decided to make a couple Hot Pockets to sooth my monstrous 4am stomach, and make some eggnog hot chocolate as well because why not? While making my early morning snack, I had this nostalgic sense of getting caught, as if I was a kid back in my parents’ house sneaking snacks in the middle of the night. I was sure I woke up Kat since I was making noise in the kitchen, and sure enough she comes stumbling in, “What the fuck are you doing?” Which, in any other interaction would have been a confrontation but instead we both started laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation, as I’m frantically plating my Hot Pockets and wiping up spilled hot chocolate, all the while Jack is thoroughly confused as to why both his moms are awake right now. But in the midst of my feelings of, “Oh shit I hope I don’t get caught!” I realized, in almost a slow burn of a 4am epiphany; I live here. I pay rent, my name is attached to this apartment, I own half of the material possessions within it, what am I worrying about? With the addition of knowing that I live with someone who will find me in my underwear in the kitchen at 4am making Hot Pockets and not judge me for it. It’s honestly Tumblr adulthood fantasy goals. Anyway, this has been the first installment of Rose at 4am. Goodnight/Good morning! 

[strawberry-and-neon]

...All of them. Por favor.

*cracks knuckles*

1. The real reason I’m confused is a question that no one thinks about; why does Charlie the tuna advertise for a tuna commercial. Why is he selling us tuna. Why is no one bothered by this.

2. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten good morning texts; but on everyone else’s behalf, this is probably a wise thing.

3. I would only care if they smoked pot instead of doing anything else, like why am I paying for your vices, I’ve got my own to worry over, why am I involved

4. Not particularly, especially if the other is a stranger. Or if the other starts questioning me about god at four in the morning and there’s no one else around

5. Organizing a shit-ton of prompts

6. Nobody; I would not be drunk or lost walking down a road. I don’t drink. I don’t get lost. That is not me. Run.

7. Heaven help the hapless soul who cheats on me, for I have no mercy. And heaven’s the only thing that’s gonna save them.

8. Not particularly, but I’ve been told we have similar personalities

9. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, no

10. Abient-wise: the thunderstorm that’s going to roll through. Music-wise: Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack

11. I feel like this is a trick question… so I will give a trick answer. Water, because you can make nearly every liquid drink known to mankind, and the question never specified whether or not you can add things to the liquid.

12. I’ll let you know when I’ve had one; probably wouldn’t care, I get random bruises already

13. Usually around 4am… don’t judge me, 4am is the best time for stuff

14. Uhhh… no, actually, thank goodness

15. I can text fast with one hand. I can text fast with the other. Ironically, I trip myself up when using both hands at the same time

16. I have the annoying habit of trying to answer /everything/, even if it’s ridiculous and doesn’t need an answer, so yes. Just don’t expect it the same day

17. Nope, I don’t think I’ve ever fallen hard for anyone, actually… so can’t hate them *shrugs*

18. Last night, 1 in the morning

19. Yes. 

20. “I bet if I just finish this sentence, I’ll be able to quickly finish this smut piece tomorrow at some point…”

21. I certainly hope there’s no one in this room with me right now

22. No, what, that’d be ridiculous *nervous laughter*

23. I was still doing school, so no, not happier at all. I will only be happy when my mortal enemy is defeated.

24. *the magic conch says* try asking later

25. Uhh, yes, but because of characters. And stuff. You know the stuff. You know why.

26. Black like the void

27. Nope. If they do, I just keep walking, because who are they. How did they find me.

28. …Actually, all my characters are listening to me for a change, this is incredible; it’s a miracle!

29. Absolutely

30. Not really, mainly cause I’ve never kissed anyone. And if I had, there’s a reason they’re my ex. Go right ahead.

31. A family member, about going to IHop this morning; I got chocolate pancakes.

32. Nobody specific, really… okay, I take that back, Tom and Rodrick because they deserve to be hated

33. Nope, unless you count platonic kisses, in which case yes

34. Do I get points if I make up a birthday?

35. According to my horrible math skills, 337 days

36. Um… summer school… vacation in August… I don’t have a summer

37. Yep, but I don’t talk to them as often anymore

38. I am definitely keeping something, but only cause it’s not done yet

39. Possibly, if I could be bothered to remember it

40. See, the great thing about never kissing anyone before is I don’t have to regret a damn thing

41. In certain cases; but if they’re both consenting adults, who cares

42. Available for what? For hire? For dating? For the third Wednesday of October? Yes, I suppose, and no, in that order.

43. Ummm… define “real strong feelings” because I’d argue no…

44. First, I would question why I had to get one; second, I’d probably get a second ear piercing on my left ear. Or third. Why not.

45. Yes, but it depends on the exes

46. I have no regrets; even if I did have any regrets, I can’t have regrets

47. “If I could just sit down and focus, I could get a lot more done” “Don’t be ridiculous, we both know you can’t focus that long anymore, you’d get distracted by literally any passing thought or noise” “But-” “Just sit your butt down and draw, it’s the only thing you can do that you won’t be distracted while doing”

48. I lost one at 7 because we moved; after that, I only lost fake friends, and I‘m okay with losing those

49. I should actually go and kiss someone, that’ll show you

50. Because I told myself to not get into another relationship right now; also because what is “like” and how does this emotion thing work

51. How many questions can there be about kissing?

52. THERE’S ANOTHER ONE :O Nope, I don’t

53. Kit-kats

54. I complimented myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable time, so yes

55. Dude, I wish I knew. Out of the many options, I hope it’s Disney… or Pompeii…

56. I own several foreign coins, a Japanese-made doll, and a few other things from Hawaii and Alaska; yes I know they’re not other countries; but they’re far enough away to be

57. Hmm… at the moment, mostly girls?

58. Texas, it’s the longest place I’ve lived to date; not by much, only slightly

59. A couple months ago, to an optometrist

60. Nope, should I?

61. I watched other people do it and laughed at them, but nope

62. Family members…?

63. In general: The Emperor’s New Groove. At theaters: Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Go watch it.

64. No clue, I’ll ask when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend

65. Uhhh… zero I think?

66. Nope

67. Heck no, I want to live to see graduation

68. No, summer lasts way too long and it’s /hot/. It’s hot right now. There’s no wind, it’s so humid, there’s sun; the only good thing about this is there are regular thunderstorms, but it’s /too hot/.

69. Short and sarcastic

70. Monogamous, I tend to have jealousy issues, so for the safety of human-kind…

71. Not yet, but who knows what will happen

72. Writing about it is fun

73. I can’t even flirt, what the-

74. Coyote take opportunity; coyote see no opportunity, so coyote take none

75. Eyes? Eyes. Yes. Or hair. Maybe. I don’t know. WHy are you asking me this-

76. Mah best friend

77. Does writing about this count? Dude, I won’t even kiss someone I’ve known for less than an hour

78. Again, same answer as above

79. My OTPs doing cute stuff together

80. Sure, kids are great

81. Yerp, once

82. No. What crush. I’ve never seen that crush before in my life. You can’t prove anything, and if you can, you won’t be able to hide

83. Uhhh… what? No.

84. I’ve literally never slow-danced in my life

85. Like fake dating? No, but I’ve considered it a few times

86. Books and chocolate

87. Taurus

88. Eating chocolate covered nuts, blissfully unaware I would be spending the next eight hours binge-watching Series of Unfortunate Events

89. Absolutely; I bake too, I just hate cleaning up afterwards

90. Nope. “I never look back, darling, it distracts from the now”

91. 100% no; I’ll take life as it comes, but I’m definitely not wishing to be in a relationship

92. I don’t really date… mostly monogamous relationships for the time being, but if it were just a one time date thing, sounds like fun; no strings

93. Interest in what? Like shiny things? I love shiny things, especially colorful shiny things… or things that make nice chimey sounds and are shiny and colorful… what were we talking about?

94. The power to punch people over the internet, a fairy to write for me when writer’s block strikes, a button to stop time so I can get enough sleep, and money so I can go places/visit people

95. I don’t even like playing board games, let alone people

96. I kissed two books in one day; I hope they don’t find out

97. If sarcasm counts as teasing, then yes; if not, I can’t help you

98. Nope, but I haven’t to meet Tumblreans, so…

99. No? Well maybe. Sort of. I don’t know. Probably not by conventional standards.

100. No clue, will there be breadsticks… *coughs*

101. Hugs? Wait, how well do I know this person

102. No, just too weird

103. “Nice t-shirt”

104. Umm… raises eyebrows, but is preferable to “doll”… I guess it’s cute?

105. No. Nope. Not happening. Doesn’t matter the sex appeal, not getting into that mess. Pretty obvious what they’re looking for.

106. I don’t even know when people are flirting with me

107. Make out scene between Berin and Correnten; good times…

108. Nope

109. Well I haven’t, but the same doesn’t go for my characters

110. I have a list, but I’m not talking. You can’t make me talk. Ahahahaha!

111. Who /really/ knows who they’re kissing next…

112. No clue, but if I did and they were hinting, I probably still wouldn’t know

113. Maybe? What are you, the FB-

114. Serious relationships, I guess.

115. Nope, haven’t; might happen, I dunno, haven’t gotten that far yet

116. Does anyone really know the answer to that question?

117. Dunno the question, but: Let’s sit around the campfire and sing the campfire song

the C A M P F I R E S O N G song

and if you don’t think that we can’t sing it faster, then you’re wrong

but it would help if you just sing along

[artificialqueens]

Imbalance Ch.2 (Group Fic/Katya Centric)

A/N: Hey guys! So I’m finally getting the hang of this whole writing process, but like I said before please bare with me for the first few chapters as I figure my life out lol. Basically just to clear some things up (also because I’ve been trying to work this out as well) When Katya is in drag she’ll be referred to as Katya and it’ll be ‘her’, but when she get’s out of drag I’m going with Brain and will use ‘he’. You’ll see that in this chapter and I think I did a pretty decent job with it, but it it seems shaky of confusing let me know! If I’m talking about other drag queens it’ll probably be just their drag names unless they’re being serious, as to stress a point. If that makes sense haha (like using your full name when your parents are mad at you)…Anywaysss thanks for the support and I’m really enjoying writing this and I have some great plans for where this is headed! This is a longer chapter than the first so enjoy! Xx -Chloe

Katya cowered, shoeless mind you, against the far end of the wall in the small stall. Waiting for the two giggling girls who stumbled into the bathroom to get the heck out. The last thing she needed was someone from the club recognizing her and snapping a few pics. Twitter would explode. She couldn’t disappoint her fans like that. The other girls would flip. Michelle would probably take her off of the next few performances, at the very least (Michelle was quite scary when she was upset, and when her ‘children’ get into trouble she gets scared and then takes some not-so enjoyable actions, consequences Katya did not want to have to deal with to begin with).

The consequences. Oh dear lord, she needed this night to be over…well technically it was the morning.

3:37 am

I have to be in the hotel lobby surrounded by everyone and on a bus in less than 4 hours…kill me.

“I might as well try and at least make it back to the hotel in one piece and sleep in a real bed for at least a few hours.” Katya muttered to herself.

The clicking of heels became softer, the giggling disappeared, and finally the door shut once more. Leaving Katya alone once again.

After looking in the next stall over she found her illusive pair of red heels hidden behind the toilet. In her state of mindless panic (that she couldn’t really remember?) she must’ve kicked them off and shoved them away. Katya got like that when she drank…panicky. Well not just drunk, actually when she used any substance. It was because she knew it was just a temporary bandaid for the depression and anxiety that was about to rear its ugly head again. She knew that once the effects wore off she’d be in a hole so dark and deep she wouldn’t want to get up, or move, or live, or…

Focus girl

Taking a deep breath and grabbing her phone off of the sink Katya got ready, to exit.

Opening the door slowly she looked left towards the bar (only a very wasted man sat, with a very exhausted bartender trying to push him out the door), and then right which lead down a hall way. At the end lit up a sign saying EXIT in large red letters.

Walking/stumbling out of the club and into the side street she could see the entrance of their hotel glaring back at her.

“Thank God,” she breathed a sigh of relief. At least she knew where she was.

Making a run for it she bolted across the empty street, into the lobby, and into the elevator.

Wait what floor, what floor, what floor?

She stared at the bright numbers on the panel of the elevator…there were 36.

“Shit” she cursed, wracking her brain for some piece of information that would help her remember what floor they were all staying on.

Coming up completely blank Katya had to resort to her last option. Alaska fucking Thunderfuck 5000. The bitch would kill her for calling her so late (early? It was almost 4am..), but she had to get back to her room, and Alaska had the unlucky pleasure of being roomed with the one and only Katya herself.

Grabbing her phone she dialed…and waited…and waited…the ringing was killing her…

“Umm what the fuck hello?” A tired and half mumbled voice spoke on the other end.

“Hey uh Lasky its Kat, would you mind just um uh telling me what floor we’re on, and like um also the room we are…and you know while you’re at it maybe just open the door so I know where to go?.”

“Brian what in the actual hell, it is four in the fucking morning, what are you even doing here? Last I heard Michelle said you found some cute trade to cuddle up with,” Alaska drawled sounding annoyed she’d been awoken from her beauty sleep

Even while half asleep she can still be petty, Katya thought, rolling her eyes.

Putting on the most convincing ‘I’m Katya Zamalowhatever and IDGAF’ voice she spoke, “Look, none of your business, it’s not like you got any tonight. I just forgot the room number I was on my phone when Michelle made the announcement or whatever. Look can you just please tell me where the fuck to go so I can take this makeup off and go to sleep.”

“You’re still in drag?”

“Yes, that’s besides the point, can you just-“

“Kat, are you okay?” There was a serious undertone in Justin’s voice. He knew that as much as Katya loved being Katya, when the shows and parties were over she liked to go back to Brian…at least to sleep. Brain never slept in full face, and for it to be four AM and have a very flustered Katya call asking what room they were in? That was weird. Even for someone as naturally weird and eccentric as Katya.

Katya was exhausted and beyond done with this conversation. Justin was in his sweatpants cuddled in blankets in their hotel room laying on a fluffy bed. Katya on the other hand felt disgusting, was sitting on the floor of the elevator (there seems to be a theme of sitting on gross public floors tonight). Her feet hurt, her head hurt, her body hurt, her mind was racing.

There it was, the panicked feeling again. It felt like a weight was being shoved on her chest. The elevator suddenly seemed much smaller than it appeared to be.

“Justin, please,” Katya choked out. “I’ll talk later. I’m fine okay, just tired. Please don’t push it any further, it’s a moot point anyways, I am fine Barbaraaa”

“Ugh fine. Floor 19. Room 7B. I’ll leave it cracked for you. I’m going back to sleep though bitch. Take your makeup off, but don’t wake me up or I’ll slit your throat with my fucking nails. Goodnight, I’ll see you in the morning…well in like 3 hours. Good God girl you’re going to be fucked tomorrow morning,” Justin chuckled, and with that the phone went silent. At least someone was going to be sleeping well tonight.

Floor 19, room 7B. Easy enough.

Pushing the buttons and getting off of her ass Katya waited for the doors to open for their floor.

Seven B, Seven B, Seven B

She glanced down the hall to her left side, the sign read “1B-28B.”

Okay, that way we go.

It only took a quick walk past a few closed doors to see the one that was opened slightly, reading ‘7B.’

“Jackpot,” she whispered to herself.

The room was completely dark, and the only sound was Justin’s obnoxiously loud breathing.

Yup definitely the right room, she thought rolling her eyes once more.

Walking into the bathroom Katya turned on the light and shut the door gently, as to not wake the sleeping beast on the other side of the room. She didn’t want to look in the mirror anymore. She didn’t want to be Katya anymore. Stripping off the dirty clothes, matted and tangled wig, and tattered tights, she turned on the shower.  

He was Brian again, which originally he thought would make him feel better. Like he could somehow separate himself from Katya and the actions he had taken, but apparently that was not the case.

Washing the makeup off and cleaning his body seemed like it took an eternity, but at this point, this entire night felt like it would never end so the closer he was getting having it be over with the better.

Brian felt numb the more he thought about it. What did I do? You piece of shit. I hate you I hate you I hate you. Why don’t you feel anything. Feel guilty. Feel sad. Feel fucking something. Please. FEEL SOMETHING.

But Brian couldn’t. Just like Katya couldn’t. It didn’t matter if he wiped all of Katya off, it didn’t matter if he could look in the mirror and see Brian. It didn’t fucking matter. It all blurred together now. When Brian looked in the mirror he saw addiction. He saw suffering. He saw his anxiety and depression. He saw all his fucking past and history dug up and start to wrap their hands around his neck taking the life out of his eyes. Dressing up as Katya couldn’t fix that for him.

“Why can’t I feel anything,” Brain agonized running his hands through his hands, “What’s wrong with me.”

Turning up the temperature in the shower to a basically boiling point, he sat down and wrapped his arms around his slender body. The water on his back burned. It burned like a mother fucker, but at least he could feel it. It made things seem real for him. The water. The pain.

“Feel the heat on my sizzling meat…” he laughed dryly into his hands.

Okay girl time to get your ass up and out of here.

Brian could basically hear Alyssa in all her glory making a joke about “girl look how fucking red and wrinkly you look, girl.” That made him smile slightly, he was happy to have friends on the tour. He needed them. He just couldn’t tell them.

Maybe you should..you could get help.

“No.” Brian whispered as he turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry himself off. “No one needs to know.”

Putting on some clean clothes and making his way over to his bed he finally was able to lay down and breathe. He’d never been so tired in his whole life.

4:32am….awesomeeee I can sleep for a solid 2 hours.

Wrapping the comforter tightly around him he started to close his eyes.

This night never happened.

[ihateharrystyles]

92 Truths

Thank you @narryart @gayanqel and @androgynoustyles  for tagging me I love you guys <3

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: My sister [3] text message: to this guy called James [4] song you listened to: Laid by Matt Nathanson lmao [5] time you cried: yesterday, but i pretty much cry every day when I watch videos of harry ajhsajksal

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: hahaha no [7] been cheated on: i don’t think so, but maybe! [8] kissed someone and regretted it: hahah yes unfortunately [9] lost someone special: yes :( [10] been depressed: yes [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: too many times

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] pink!! not fuschia or anything crazy but the more subtle rosy toned pinks [13] faded orange (I don’t know how to explain this one you’ll just have to imagine) [14] green!!!! My favourite colour of all time

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes and I love them all so much! [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: of course [18] found out someone was talking about you: probably :) [19] met someone who changed you: yes!! [20] found out who your true friends are: no lol  [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: i don’t know what a facebook list is but if it is friends list then yes more than one oops

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them but I am not properly friends with the majority [23] do you have any pets: yes [24] do you want to change your name: no but i don’t like my name [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i had a party and fed bread to my friend maria

[26] what time did you wake up: 8:30am because my friend rosie called me and woke me up sjdbwkjdajfj

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: waiting for my mum to get home so i could eat pizza [28] name something you cannot wait for: HARRY’S ALBUM!!!!! [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 hours ago  [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I knew Harry in real life, I would do anything for him to be apart of it [31] what are you listening to right now: If I could fly :’( [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes  [33] something that is getting on your nerves: the fact harry styles isnt friends with me yet [34] most visited website: probably google drive because thats where i do my work ugh [35] elementary: burford school I was late everyday even though I lived 2 minutes away hahaha [36] high school: sir william borlases grammar school what a mouthful damn [37] college: dont know yet!! [38] hair colour: brown [39] long or short hair: long

[40] do you have a crush on someone: only harry

[41] what do you like about yourself? im very honest 

[42] piercings: i only have my ears pierced, but i sort of want to get my belly button pierced [43]blood type: oh god i think i’m AB- or O-, i cant remember I just know my dad told me i had one of the rarer types [44] nickname: kat (i hate this nickname), kitboo  [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: gemini [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: teen wolf [49] tattoos: none [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: i’ve never had proper surgery but i had a filling once and then i got sixth baby teeth removed so i could get braces because they still hadnt fallen out smh [52] piercing: my ears when i was 10 [53] best friend: Lucy and she still is wow! [54] sport: oh god idk.. ballet?? i feel like thats loads of peoples first lol but i used to do so much sport i cant remember [55] vacation: antibe in france, we go there most years [56] pair of trainers: wtf how

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing but im hungry af even though its nearly 4am [58] drinking: nothing [59] i’m about to: go to sleep [60] listening to: what a feeling [61] waiting for: these questions to end there are so many lol [62] want: to sleep because i have church tomorrow ugh ugh [64] career: i don’t have one i’m 16 shut up

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: i love hugs but i like kissing too but probably hugs because some people are bad kissers [66] lips or eyes: depends on the person [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous, too much romance freaks me out its gross [70] nice arms or nice stomach: what qualifies as nice.. harry has both i’m just saying [71] sensitive or loud: uhhfbeshfbes loud in public but sensitive underneath cute [72] hook up or relationship: oh god idk??? i dont want a relationship but i dont wanna boink a randomer either  [73] troublemaker or hesitant: im a troublemaker outside of school but in school i am literally a goat i am so shy i dont know why teahcers scare me hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? oh for gods sake, stop embarrassing me I AM SORRY I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON yes [75] drank hard liquor? yes [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? yes i lost my favourite glasses when i was 5 i dont wear glasses or contacts now though [77] turned someone down: too many times i hate myself [78] sex on first date? i am a virgin, i am mary, i am pure [79] broken someone’s heart? oops is all i will say to this [80] had your own heart broken? no [81] been arrested? no but i would like to be for the story you know.. sounds fun [82] cried when someone died? yes [83] fallen for a friend: all my friends are little shits, no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? yes [85] miracles? i havent met harry yet, but when i do i will revist this question [86] love at first sight? i’ve only experienced it with harry.. im sorry i keep talking about him i cant help it lol [87] santa claus? i wish [88] kiss on the first date? if i like you then sure why not [89] angels? harry styles wouldn’t exist otherwise

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: Lucy :) [91] eye colour: hazel [92] favourite movie: A little princess

OKKK wow that was a lot of questions I tag these people, sorry if you were already tagged or already did it, just ignore this if you have!! :)

@hotharreh @arrowheartlouis @hazthelove @harryismywonderwall @glamzarry @packerhaz @suckerloved

[markusvent]

6/3/17 I

Man, I just feel like shit

I went out with Rosie and Dovin and Kat yesterday, which was cool, even if Dovin can be a little bit of a dong sometimes. It was good seeing them again at least, and I managed to get Juboi a birthday present early. Technically it’s from me and Kat, but I think she’ll like it. 

Even though the other day, (technically two days ago, but its only like 4am, so its not even really saturday), was really cool and all, I was just kinda

sad? angry? ???heck???

I hadn’t slept the night before, so when I actually got around to seeing the guys I’d been up for 28 hours already, and when I finally left Kat’s it was 34 hours. Speaking of Kat’s...

I got really, /really/, stoned. I figured after a day full of drowsiness and heart-weirdness, I might as well shut my mind off for a little bit. And it worked, really super well. Admittedly, as soon as I got home I passed out because I was stoned and sad and exhausted. I didn’t get a lot of sleep, maybe only like I dunno, 6? Then I kept waking up every hour or half hour, completely lucid, and /pissed/.

My brain hasn’t been the most... cooperative as of late. Been seeing shit outta the corner of my eye again, nothing major, I think it’s just because I can’t sleep right. Don’t know why I can’t sleep, not like I have things to be anxious about or look forward to. Maybe that’s why? I mean, I have been having like, on-and-off panic/anxiety attacks since finals, but it’s like worse? since nothing will trigger it, and then all of a sudden, bam, my heart and mind stop functioning. 

I don’t want to be home, but outside of Amah’s, I don’t really have a solid place to go.Juboi’s been taking some downtime or is doing stuff with her fam, and Lyd is ride-less up in where ever she is. Kat works a lot and I have no idea how Rosie and Dovin were available. Eric is ??? I don’t know.

I’m lonely, I guess. It kinda reminds me of when I was in virtual school, not seeing anyone and feeling isolated.

I’m just

really fucking sad. and pissed and anxious. 

My chest hurts. Fuck.