#2. this month I actually was really consistent with my journaling so I’m happy about that
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September 2023
#1. started at refugee camp nr 7 (I think). was asked to do a hearing test first for one of the guys and I thought he was Arab bc one of the#supervisors spoke Arabic to him when I saw him but we found he’s actually also Afghan! which was quite funny. not so funny was the fact#that I had taken the machine with me but had left the charger somewhere else so I couldn’t actually do the test. so I had to drive to our#office and go back for the test. when I came back my client had actually prepared these things for me/us 🥺 which is very Afghan and sweet#of him. he said he was just really happy to see someone that’s also Afghan#2. this month I actually was really consistent with my journaling so I’m happy about that#3. we have a cat now and even though I was one of the people that was against it. I would kill for her#4. my parents and I picked fresh walnuts and actually got quite a lot#5 & 6. we have our annual company gathering / party and it was really fun! it was organised well. we had some good food a live band#& a dj (I requested 2 songs and they agreed but didn’t play either one……) and there was also a photo booth which is always a good time.#I def think I’ll also do a photo booth when I have my wedding#7. have started slowly decorating my hobonichi#monthly recap
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Techo Kaigi 2023
2023 is drawing to a close and the new planners are sitting in my drawer, calling to me in all their pristine loveliness. But before I talk about 2024, how did 2023 go?
Pretty well, actually.
I started 2023 with the following planners:
Daily personal journal: Hobonichi Cousin
Daily carry: Hobonichi Weeks Mega
Commonplace book: Hobonichi A5 notebook
Writing journal: Hobonichi A5 notebook
Health journal: Hobonichi Weeks
Work journal: Hobonichi A6 Techo
Overflow/bullet journal: Midori Codex A5
By the end of 2023 (actually, by about mid-2023) only two of those got switched out for something else and one got added. Which is pretty good. There are, however, a few other changes I am making next year. I’m going to go through each in detail.
Were these the right journals for me?
Actually, yes. Although there is some reconfiguring, the basic principles of the journals above is going to remain consistent. I need a place to write personal journal entries that stays at home and a place to track things and make notes on the go. I enjoy both writing and commonplacing. If I want to focus on my health, having a dedicated journal helps. And I keep a separate journal for work because it may contain information that shouldn’t really go outside of work. And then sometimes I overflow into another space because I want to deep dive on something that doesn’t really fit in the others. None of this is changing.
Daily Personal Journal
The 2023 Hobonichi Cousin is going to move into … the 2024 Hobonichi Cousin. This book works really well for me. The finder details of how I use it did evolve a bit over the year, but I think I’m happy with where I ended up. I did consider moving into the Avec as my Cousin is fairly chonky at this point, but I prefer to have the book in English. I will use this in mostly the same way as last year as well:
3 months to a page view: I have no idea what I will do with this next year, but I had no idea last year either.
Monthly pages: I write a daily highlight on each day.
Weekly pages: I currently use these for planning, but this will move to the daily carry. So I am expecting this to become a space for gratitude/manifestation.
Daily pages: personal daily journal entries.
Daily Carry + Bullet Journal
Although the Weeks was nice, I found I ended up feeling things got a bit lost in the weekly view. I pretty much only used it for key dates. I had a Midori Codex as a bullet journal (briefly) but it never worked well for me as I really don’t like Midori paper (a discovery from this year) and it wasn’t something I could carry around. So I tried a Traveller’s Notebook, and again, the paper (which is the same, so I should have realised this would happen) was not to my taste. I solved both by getting a 240 page Sterling Ink TN notebook. This has worked well.
For next year, I wanted to consolidate these into one book. Although the weeks and the TN are smaller dimensionally, carrying both is quite bulky! I decided to get a Sterling Ink Common Planner (2 part book) in A5. I expect it to be used as follows:
3 months to a page view: seriously, I never know what to do with these pages.
Monthly pages: key dates and events
Weekly pages: time based daily planning - what do I do when. This will double as time tracking.
Blank pages: bullet journal which for me acts as a place to work when I’m out and about, as well as an overflow journal. I expect to also use it to write consolidated to do lists.
Creativity + Commonplace Journal
Last year was the first time I kept a commonplace book and this really suits my way of working. I have just about filled it. I did add a separate journal for writing learning, a Weeks Sterling Ink, but this is too small really.
I need somewhere to plan my creative activities, and also to plan this website! Especially as I have a lot of pre-planned content for next year that will need some serious planning to fully prep. So this will be moving into a Sterling Ink Common Planner (2 part book) along with my commonplace book. I originally brought this journal for work, but that ended up being the wrong choice. However, it ends up working out just fine as a combined creativity planner and commonplace book.
3 months to a page view: index.
Monthly pages: website and social media posting schedule. I want to be able to look back and see what got planned and what got posted.
Weekly pages: day to day creative planning - writing, the website, reading, etc.
Blank pages: commonplace book and creative ideas.
Bonus journal: A5 Sterling Ink 520 page learning journal
I will keep the learning separate. It makes it easier for me to re-read it and finding all my notes is going to be increasingly important next year for the content I have planned here.
Writing Journal
The Hobonichi notebook worked well last year as the smoothness of the tomoe river paper makes it a joy to write in. I really need the low feedback paper to write without my hands hurting. But, this year I want to focus on a daily writing habit, so I wanted a daily journal. And I wanted to use the new A5 Hobonichi Hon, but was a bit worried about how it would bulk up as my daily journal. So my new writing journal is the Hobonichi Hon A5.
3 months to a page view: actual daily ‘wordcount’. I want to be able to see the patterns of writing I manage to complete.
Monthly pages: I wanted a place to do mini doodle/zentangle art every day. As I don’t really need the monthlies for anything writing wise, I am going to use this space for that.
Weekly pages: responses to prompts, ideas - anything I feel the need to capture. This won’t really be ‘weekly’.
Daily pages: writing
Bonus journal: A5 Sterling Ink 520 page worldbuilding project journal
As my days vary quite a lot, I know I might not actually write every day. But I can write the equivalent of every day. The idea is to try and keep up with the days and that is why I am also recording the actual daily pages written. I also have a worldbuilding project planned and this will be kept in its own journal. Its an alternative history world so I will need to do a lot of research and then ‘adjust’ reality.
Health Journal
The Hobonichi Weeks was perfect for this. I recorded calories and activity against each day and then used the back pages for planning food shops. I am going to switch to the Sterling Ink Common Planner Weeks Compact for 2024 only because I think the vertical weeklies will be better than the horizontal ones (if I’m wrong, I can always get a Hobonichi Weeks).
Work Journal
It turns out I hate A6. I also think having a weekly overview is better. As is being able to keep my notes in the same book. I changed to a an Undated Sterling Ink Common Planner and I plan to stick with that. I got the ‘half year’ size so I can carry it around more easily.
Is everything Sterling Ink or Hobonichi?
Pretty much. There are two reasons for this that I can now articulate pretty clearly:
Tomoe River paper. I love this paper. Fountain pen inks never feather, even the wetter ones. Its incredibly smooth, and reduces feedback, which in turn reduces pain in my hands.
The grid size. This is perfect for me.
There are other companies out there who can meet this need. I did consider the Wonderland planner for a work planner. I also looked at Aura Estelle and I may get an Undated from here when my current work journal runs out (it depends how many of the note pages I end up using).
That is a lot of journals!
Its only 8. Well, 9 because I expect to use another journal as a record of a big trip I am taking next year. I know it seems a lot, but with the exception of the Worldbuilding Project journal, all of these were things I used last year. And most were filled (or will be full either by the end of the month, or when they come to their natural end). That being said, no one should feel like they have to have this many journals. I started with one - a single bullet journal. I ended up filling it very quickly, which is when I started to have more than one. You have too many journals if:
They are the ‘right’ journal, but you can’t fill them/keep up with them.
Keeping up with them is causing you stress.
Other than this, the correct number of journals is the number that help you function day to day, in all areas of your life. That bring you joy when you use them. I would find trying to cram everything into one book and running out of space stressful. This is what works for me, and in 2024, I will be sticking with it.
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2022 Reading Recap and 2023 Reading Goals
Happy New Year y’all! I love collecting little stats about my reading through the year, so I wanted to actually take those data and make a post, since I don’t talk too much about my general reading outside of how many Chinese books I’ve read.
So let’s get started!
2022 In Review
2022 was a great year in terms of reading. Last month I shared a not-yet complete journal spread where I made charts of all my reading stats, so first here’s the finished version:
Now, to write out the important bits for those of you who don’t want to zoom in and try to parse my handwriting.
My reading goal for 2022 was 50 books. I read 75 books in total. 40 of those were in English, and 35 were in Chinese. I read the most books in May (14, mostly manga iirc), and the least in October (2). I averaged about 6 books per month.
I read a total of 21,849 pages. I read the most pages in January (3,208) and, once again, the least in October (511). That’s an average of 1,821 pages per month. The books I read averaged about 291 pages each.
My average rating was 3.75 stars. I had 14 books rated 5 stars, but my most common rating was 4 stars (I gave 45 books 4 stars last year). I had no 1 star reads, only two 2 star reads, and just nine 3 star reads. There were 5 books I didn’t rate for various reasons. The fact that I had so many 4 and 5 star reviews tells me I managed to read a lot of books I really enjoyed this year.
2023 Goals
So I’ve set a couple pretty basic, loose reading goals for this new year. Here’s what they are:
Read at least 60 books total: For the past few years, my reading goal has been a consistent 50 books, but I want to raise it this year. In 2021 I read 59 books, and last year I read 75, so I think I shouldn’t struggle too hard to reach this new goal.
Read at least 20 Chinese books: I actually read over 30 Chinese books last year, so this goal of 20 should be fairly easy to achieve. However, I do want to make this a fairly easy goal for me to reach, because I do have a rather horrific number of unread English books on my shelves, and I would like to dedicate some more time to working through those. So, I’m going to aim low on the off chance that I end up spending more time with English books in 2023.
Read more nonfiction: Pretty self-explanatory. It is only in recent years that I’ve started to read more nonfiction, and I’ve been trying to change that. I’ve got a couple excellent candidates on my shelves, so hopefully this one won’t be too hard.
Get back into audiobooks: in 2021 I spent a lot of time listening to audiobooks as I did embroidery, but I sort of fell out of that habit this past year. I want to change that. I have the Libby app on my phone, but I need to get my library card sorted out so I can access it again.
Read the brick that is Les Miserables, and the much less substantial Moby Dick: I’ve been playing with the idea of reading these two books for a while, but I never actually did it. For Les Mis, I didn’t have any particular reason for not reading it. I just never got around to it I guess. As for Moby Dick, my brother suggested it to me, and ever since that one time he said a book I recommended to him “wasn’t real literature” (yes he’s an English major) I refuse to take book recs from him seriously (yes I know this is slightly petty). But then! I was browsing reviews of Moby Dick and saw a particularly amusing one-star review, and decided that I would, in fact, like to give it a try.
That’s all I’ve got in terms of goals, so here’s to another year of excellent books!
#studyblr#reading#mine#books#my brother and i are generally interested in very different types of books#but i also will not let him have the satisfaction of successfully recommending a book to me#call it sibling pettiness or something
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Murder, He Wrote
Part 3 Co-Written with @southerngracela
Summary: It’s Thanksgiving, but when you’re being held hostage by Hugh Ransom Drysdale there’s really not a lot to be thankful for, is there?
Warnings: Bad language words. MATURE (NSFW 18+) NON-CON situation, kidnap, violence. DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THOSE TRIGGER… READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!
Pairing: DARK! Ransom Drysdale x Reader
A/N: So this is Part 2 to our submission for @Jtargaryen18 ‘s Haunted House 2020 Challenge. Once again READ THE WARNINGS!!!! This is a DARK Series… don’t @ us if you can’t follow simple instructions and end up with butt-hurt. And if you’re under 18…get off my blog.
Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and by writing it does NOT mean I agree with or condone the acts contained within. This fiction is classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar reader and any other OCs that may or may not be mentioned. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.
Murder, He Wrote Masterlist // Main Masterlist.
Part 2
You could feel the chill of the outside seeping into your space, your bones, through the vented window following your shower. The way it crept in made you realize just how far along through fall you were, maybe it was even approaching the onset of the holiday weather. Either way, a storm seemed to be outside. At least it felt like it. Once dried, you found yourself wrapping up tighter in the thick cardigan you’d chosen before you dried your hair, and allowed yourself a quick squirt of perfume before settled into the reading chair in the corner of your room, your journal on your lap.
The little, leather bound book had been in your handbag which had been given back to you earlier that morning as the latest reward for behaving and as you ran your hand over the deep brown cover, you couldn’t help the air of excitement you felt at having been given your treasured little note book, despite the dreary sky you could see from the porthole above your chair.
It had actually surprised you that Drysdale had kept it and not disposed of it the same way he had your phone and your car. But for whatever reason, he’d held onto it, and for that you were grateful. Grateful that you had something of your own from before this imprisonment to anchor too. You’d expected him to want some kind of favour in return but he hadn’t demanded any sort of sexual gratification, simply informed you he would be out most of the morning and would be back mid to late afternoon. As soon as he had gone you had eagerly tipped the contents of your bag onto the bed, almost crying at the sight of your half empty bottle of Coco-Mademoiselle, the Mac Lip-gloss, NYX Eyebrow pencil, Mont Blanc fountain pen, a full tube of mints and your treasured journal. With teary eyes you’d put everything away in its new place, apart from the book and pen before padding into the bathroom for a shower, deliberately sorting yourself out for the day. All you could think of was taking the time so you could savour the moment when you could hopefully make some sense of the jumble in your head by spilling it onto a page.
You opened the cover and flicked to your last entry, the morning of Halloween. A rambling rant about Mick-The-Prick filled the page and you paused, tears in your eyes, as you’d give anything to be stood in his office thinking about ingenious ways to kill him and get away with it. Ironic, really considering that was exactly what your captor had done; committed murder and gotten away with it.
You went to jot the date down in the corner of the page and realised that actually, you didn’t have a clue what it was. Down here, night bled into day, day bled into night…and soon it all bled into weeks. However, given the fact your cycle had been and gone a week ago you figured that it was maybe four weeks since Halloween. Of course, you could ask Hugh, but the less you had to ask him the better as far as you were concerned. You hate the fact that he had this hold on you, that you had to ask for and ‘earn’ things by being ‘good’. And whilst it made you sick to your stomach, you’d fast learnt it was easier to comply than rebel. The night he had left you tangled in your sweater had hurt. It had taken you a good twenty minutes to muster the strength to work your way out and drag yourself into a bath, your body shaking with the trauma, sobs wracking your frame. Your body ached for days, your mind in a post-traumatic cloud of despair. And whilst it hadn’t broken you per-say, it had certainly made you realise exactly what the bastard was capable of, and you had no intention of finding out just how much further he was willing to go.
So, in summary, it had taken Ransom Drysdale two days to break you into compliance.
You’d become passive, so to speak. You gave into his whims, let him use you as he saw fit, did as he told… for the most part anyway. There had been a few other incidents post the sweater one where you’d forgotten yourself and protested, fought a little and he’d gone hard on you, but nothing like that second night. Your passive behaviour was mistaken by him for compliance, and as such you had earned a number of rewards. The bistro table where you took your meals, a book or two which just so happened to be by his grandfather, a gesture you weren't sure was him purging or pressing an agenda onto you. And more recently and most preciously, your bag. But, the strange thing was, that whilst he wanted you to give into him physically, he seemed to enjoy the fact that you were in no way, shape or form compliant to him in others. You openly sassed him, bit back, called him out and he actively encouraged it. He’d started spending a little more time with you in the mornings and afternoons, not just visiting you to toy with you or fuck, but to engage in these little tete-a-tete’s, and the sickest, most perverted thing about it was that you were almost glad. The loneliness was crippling, and you craved company. Even if it was his.
All things considered, you’d rather ask him for as little as possible so instead, you flicked to the front of the book and crossed off the days on the small calendar inside the cover. Deciding that the date it led you to was as accurate as it was going to get, you turned back, jotted it down in the top right of your page and stared at the blank lines, looking to sort your thoughts for your next entry.
The saying used to go, what's in a name, however as I sit here thinking back on the last few weeks I wonder now what's in a day. My days consist of imprisonment. Held by a captor I have met once before. He's smart, almost too smart. Displaying forms of abuse and aggressive behaviors any FBI analyst would love to dive deep into. But that's not my job, no, my job is to please and satisfy him. Answer to his whims of gratification at any call of the day. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. But if I behave, he lets few things get by. I miss home, my bed, my life. I miss Mick, which is saying a lot all things considered. I don't know still what he wants from me, other than the obvious sexual gratification with little to no room for anything else. I'm a toy, a means to an itch. I don't know how long exactly I've been here, I can only guess it's been about a month. Nor do I know how long I'll have to stay. The answers are blurred like my vision, marred by tears and the low light inside. I haven't seen outside since the day he took me. I haven't been anywhere outside this room. I can see from the small porthole window above this stupidly soft leather chair the season has changed. It feels like deep fall, and as a storm comes outside, what little sky I see is bleak and dark, clouds covering the bluest of skies, angry and ready to open up, raining down water to wash away the sins of the day. I wish I could do the same.
Before you realized, time had obviously passed, for the sound of the door bolts unlocking had you guessing it was late afternoon or early evening. A glance up at the porthole behind you confirmed as much. The sky was dark and rain had been beating on the window for a little while.
In came Drysdale, hair a bit wet, a strand slightly out of place, wool pants and maroon sweater. He carried a plate of food in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. He looked irked, like he'd wasted time on something, a look you were now able to decipher after weeks of seeing it.
"Happy Thanksgiving," he said, setting the plate down on the bistro table with its two accompanying chairs, waiting for you to join him.
Instead of biting back, you simply whispered, "it’s Thanksgiving?" You checked the inside cover of your journal and see the date again. You were a day off and it now dawned on you. It was the fourth Thursday of the month and indeed, Thanksgiving. You glanced back up at Ransom and a deep sadness washed over you. Closing your journal and setting it on the table by your chair, you stood, moving towards him and the plate of food. You took a seat and looked down at the plate, full of the holiday dish basics; turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, diced not candied yams and roasted green beans. It was gourmet and nothing near what he'd been serving you or managing to try. "Thank you," you said softly, rolling your fork through the potatoes. You take a bite but it's about as bland and tasteless as your despair.
"I brought it back from the country club, I met my father there," he looked under your gaze again, as if willing your eyes to his. "Do you not like it?"
Finally, your gaze met those cold cerulean orbs, setting your fork down and you took a drink of water, "No, it's fine." Then you picked up your fork again and took another bite, this time of the turkey and gravy. You didn't have it in you for an argument or it's physical ramifications.
"Are you not hungry?" Ransom pressed.
"I guess not as much as I thought," you repled further poking at your food, your voice cracking a little as you try to keep your composure. The sting of the holiday has you broken, far more than you'd expected. Normally, today you'd be helping your mother in the kitchen, settling the final touches on the side dishes and listening to your father tell your uncle about some a-typical dad joke he'd heard. Your sister would be giddy over the wine while her boyfriend of the month received death glares from said uncle and your father.
Ransom outwardly sighed and you wait for what you were trying to avoid. "Are you alright?"
The question threw you off guard completely and you struggled to hide the shock from your expression. He never cared about your feelings before. Maybe he thought you were coming down with something. You braced yourself to answer honestly. There was no point in lying, he'd see through it.
"I'm fine, I'm not sick if that's what you're thinking," you answered, a deep restraint on your tone to keep yourself in check. "I hadn't realized what day it was. I didn't know it was Thanksgiving." You swallowed the lump in your throat and blinked hard. "My mom, my sister and I, we used to all help make dinner as a family. My dad and uncle would talk a bunch of shit around the fireplace while shooting death glares at my sister's flavor of the month."
He looked at you like he was confused. You scoff, "Of course you wouldn't understand."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He squint his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. His body language completely changed as he leaned forward on his forearms, popping one shoulder up higher than the other.
"Nothing," you backed down immediately.
"Tell me," he pressed.
God, he was relentless. You pushed your plate forward and leaned on your own elbows. You looked at him with a raised brow, "am I going to be in trouble if you don't like what I have to say?"
"Depends," he popped a shoulder smugly.
You matched his expression and his demeanour falters just a fraction. You saw it, but you didn't hold back. "Then I'd rather keep it to myself. That's what you want isnt it? Me to comply, be obedient? Frankly, I'm not in the mood."
He failed to hide his smirk and you noticed that too, "Sweetheart." It wasn't laced with teasing, rather his pet name for you on his tongue held a cautious venom.
"You hate your family. You know nothing about love and what it takes to give love. Hell, I don't doubt that for a minute you've ever felt loved. It's all an act. Self-preservation even. I don't know you or your family outside of the hours of research I did and the mere forty five minutes I listened to you drone on about your 'predicament'. But, the cold hearted truth of it is, you don't know how to love." You watched him run his tongue along his teeth as he continued to glare at you, but you weren't finished. "And that's what family is, it's what they do. They love, they are the embodiment of love at its deepest root. Maybe, just maybe somewhere along your life, your parents loved you, but judging by the Thrombey-Drysdale standards, none of you know what love is outside your selfish tithings and flashy cars. It got lost along the way, more than likely long before you ever were born."
"Wow," he raised his brows and clicked his tongue against his teeth, "That's good, that's really good."
You're fear receptors suddenly spiked as recognizable flash of anger in his eyes flashed through his irises. But there was something else there that you couldn't put your finger on it. Your breathing quickly up-ticked as you felt your palms begin to sweat.
He inhaled a deep, almost centering breath, "that perfume in your bag, I like it."
As if he'd grown a second head, you blinked hard refocusing on him. Had you heard him right? You'd just broken a rule, laid out an unspeakable truth for him and now in a blink he's, God forbid, complimenting your scent? Who the fuck was this guy? Was he on meds? Because he should be or he should at least probably share. It might make life here more bearable. "What?"
"The perfume from your bag, you're wearing it. It smells good," he lamented.
Alright, now the 'of sound mind' argument might be worth something because he sure as shit wasn't now. You swallowed and picked up your fork, taking a bite of the cold food just to buy yourself some time as you tried to process the scene before you. You had no remark to make. Confusing jumbled any thought of a coherent word you could utter.
"Maybe if I'm out, I can pick you up a new bottle. I noticed you were near empty," Ransom offered.
This was starting to make your stomach turn. If he'd gone through your bag, because why wouldn't he at this point, smelled your perfume, had he read your journal? You made a mental note to go back through and see if there was anything he'd read that he had used against you thus far or could use to corner you in the future. You looked around the room, waiting to see if you were being Punk'd. Just who the fuck is this guy? Without your expression giving too much of your confusion away, you nod at him in reply. "Thank you, I'd like that."
"Hmph," he paused, a dramatic effect he seemed to know that your heart rate up in anxiety. "Well, then why are you looking at me like I have two heads, Y/N?"
Tread lightly, you thought to yourself. He didn't call you by your first name often, in fact, the last time he had, you were very much smarting back and it resulted in a forceful situation that left you raw and sore for a few days. It was always 'Sweetheart'.
He baited you, you knew it, but you couldn't back out now. So you sighed, "I know I'm not supposed to ask questions, but, I don't even know who you are right now. Do you? One minute you're giving me food and being gentle, the next you're allowing my opinion, and now you're ready to flip this table. That's as close as two heads as it gets."
"Careful, Sweetheart," he now glared at you. There it was, you were in for it. The approach of choice, you weren't sure of, but he was done. You'd learned the different tones in his voice by now, the cues he gave. You were definitely in trouble. You dropped your eyes to your plate. The food stone cold and no longer even appealing in its slightest measure, a wave of nausea washing over you. You further pushed your plate away, "I don't think I'm hungry anymore."
His broad frame rose from the chair, "you weren't to begin with," his left hand reaching for the plate and holds it in his hand, "Third drawer down in the armoire. Pick something, I'll be back."
You watched him leave, the familiar click of the door shutting and snap of the lock sounded around the small apartment and you exhaled loudly, your head dropping into your hands. This wasn’t the first time he’d requested that you ‘dress for the occasion’ so to speak. With a deep breath you stood up and crossed the room, opening the drawer of requirements, seeking out a negligee for him to no doubt remove. Your fingers roamed over the fabrics and selection. La Perla, Agent Provocateur, Carine Gilson, Coco de Mer and Fleur of England were just a handful of the expensive, high-end brands that filled the space. Your fingers smoothed over a black macrame and tule underwired long line bra and the matching thong that was folded neatly under it. Plucking it from the drawer, you headed for the bathroom. You slipped out of your casual tee, duster cardigan and leggings, the bra and panties you'd had on. You sighed as you took a good look at yourself in your naked form.
While you hadn't lost a ton of weight over the last month, you could tell you'd grown thinner. You weren't gaunt but your lack of a daily Dunkin' Donuts macchiato had seemed to thin you out. Your captor made sure you were fed, but you didn't always eat. The plump of your cheeks had receded and your little pooch brought on by happy carbs was sucked into your frame. There were a few bruises still seen, near green, an indication of their final healing stage. The pock mark from a hickey he'd given you still a bit scaby as he'd broken the skin just barely. This was your life now and it made what few bites of Thanksgiving dinner in your stomach nearly lurch forward back up your throat.
You swallowed it down, pulling the long line bra straps up your arms and clasping it behind your back. Your legs slipped into the thong panties and you pulled the material up your freshly smooth legs. Your shaky fingers plucked at the hair tie that fastened the end of your brain closed, nails raking through your hair to loosen your tendrils. He always wanted your hair loose. You looked at yourself in the mirror, you were ready.
***** Ransom tossed the un-eaten food into the garbage and dumped the plate into the sink to be dealt with later. Turning so that his lower back was leaning on the edge of the kitchen counter he ran a hand over his clean shaven jaw, his mind ticking over the events of the day so far. A pain-in-the-ass Thanksgiving meal with his father had been made bearable by the fact he knew he was coming back to her, and because he hadn’t wanted to be a complete monster he’d made the effort of bringing her a nice dinner back too. But she’d hardly touched any of it.
And what disturbed him most about it, was the fact that instead of wanting to punish her for being an ungrateful bitch, he instead felt a deep rooted sense of concern. She’d lost weight, her face was pale, her hip bones more pronounced, and frankly the last thing he wanted was her passing out on him. Whilst he wanted her compliant, necrophilia really wasn’t his bag.
He had thought by giving her back the bag she’d had on her the night he took her he might have seen a lift in her spirits so to speak, a little gratitude, but instead she’d been meek and reserved until he’d coaxed that familiar sass out of her. And even then she’d been reticent.
It should have pleased him that she was learning her place and becoming more subservient. But if he was being honest with himself, he almost missed her fighting and arguing back. It had been exciting in a way, and he had thought it would have taken longer than it had to break her so to speak. Maybe he had overestimated exactly what a fighter she was, maybe she wasn’t the right muse for his writing after all. Because, let’s face it, writing a tale about a woman who was captured and broken into submission within two days, merely becoming a puppet for her captor’s whims was hardly going to win him any accolades was it? He needed more, needed something that he could spin a good story from. He knew now that when he went back down to her he had to try a different tact so to speak, he needed to coax her mind into reacting not merely her body.
Because if he couldn’t do that, there was no point in keeping her.
He allowed her half an hour or so before he headed back down the stairs and found her sat on the bed, dressed in one of the sets he’d purchased, her hair loose round her face and shoulders the way he liked. She jumped to her feet and he had to actively supress the groan that was rolling in his throat as his eyes scanned her up and down, and he didn’t miss the slight bruises that dotted her skin in various places where he’d marked her as his own. She’d long since stopped trying to cover herself up. Instead she stood stock still, her eyes focussed on the floor.
With long strides he walked into the room and stopped in front of her, tipping her chin up with his finger so she was looking at him, her eyes wide with trepidation and he gave a smirk as he reached up, brushing her hair off the side of her face and neck, dropping his head as he did so.
“You smell so good, Sweetheart.” He inhaled against her pulse point, lips pressing into her there. He felt the gasp of her breath, the way her skin pricked with chill bumps. He smirked to himself, he’s found her spot. And he filed that away, committing it to memory.
“I like this…” he practically purred as he toyed with the straps to the bra, a long, thick middle finger outlining the strap against her skin, lips following pursuit.
“You should, you chose it.”
He chuckled, ignoring the snark behind her words. “Like I chose you, huh?”
Like I chose you.
His words echoed around your head, reminding you exactly why you were in this fucking situation. Because he had decided you would be. He wanted you, and just like with everything else in his life that Hugh Ransom Drysdale wanted, he simply took. But what worried you the most about all this was whether or not you would be discarded the same way he no doubt discarded the other possessions he lost interest in.
You took a deep, steadying breath as his hands moved from the straps of your bra, long fingers moving to caress the back of your neck, but there was no grabbing, no force. He was being positively gentle.
And it scared the crap out of you.
“Are you afraid of me?” He asked, his breath hot and wet in your ear as you trembled under the further graze of his fingers against the macramé of your set.
“You know I am," you swallowed nervously. You weren't new to this, this wasn't your first time, but the way he was being soft, a stark character change to his a-typical stance with you was what had you crawling in fear in the inside. Was it a game? Was it some sort of ploy? Was this his idea of foreplay now before he turned it up and went hard enough to bruise but not hard enough to make you cry?
A flat palm ran down your abdomen, already taught in fear. But not before a thumb grazed along the underside of your breast. Agonizingly slow, his hand, still splayed over you, dips into your matching macrame panties, dipping into your wet folds, thumb lightly pressing against your clit.
“You’re so wet, considering you’re scared.”
You didn't answer, just swallowed hard, the lump stuck in your throat as it fought against a little whimper.
His mouth once more latched onto your neck, the kisses gentle as opposed to the bruising ones you had become accustomed to. The fingers in your folds matched his slow nature, teasing you in such a way that when you closed your eyes and focussed your mind elsewhere, you could almost believe you were somewhere with a man you’d given permission to touch you in such away. But when his lips moved to your jawline and you took a deep breath, the heady scent of his cologne hit your senses and your eyes flew open as you were reminded just whose lips and hands were violating you in such away.
You swallowed as Ransom pulled away, his hand gently grasping your chin once more as he issued a simple instruction.
“Strip for me, sweetheart.”
You took a deep breath, swallowing down the bile that had once more risen up your throat as he sat down on the edge of the bed, his legs bent, hands resting on his knees as he watched you the way a lion watched its prey. You undid the clasp on your bra, your eyes remaining locked on his as you slid the straps down your shoulders and dropped the garment to the floor. Your captor took a deep breath, his eyes flicking down your body as you moved to shed the bottom half, wondering what on earth had been the point of wearing it in the first place. But even as you asked yourself that, you already knew the answer. It was a bout power, another way for him to remind you just who you belonged to now. How he could strip you bare in more way than one without even lifting a finger.
But lift a finger he did, curling it in mid-air as he beckoned you towards him. You took careful steps over the floor until you were stood in between his legs. His large hands smoothed up the outside of your thighs, before he pulled you towards him, his nose brushing the skin of your abdomen as he took a deep breath, fingers curling round your thighs.
And then, in a flash he stood, taking you with him, and before you could so much as utter a squeak or noise of surprise he had you naked, laying across the bed, the sheets cold against your skin, a contrast to the heat emanating from the body against yours. The look in his lust blown eyes was overwhelming. You didn't know what you were in for but as his body, still clothed in the frayed maroon sweater and wool slacks sunk into the mattress between your legs, you felt a chill course through your veins, your skin, again, pricking in bumps all over. His hands, with their thick fingers, trailed long lines up and down your thighs, Ransom's full lips kissing at your sensitive inner skin, a nip or two here and there as he went from your knee, upward.
He could smell your arousal, see it glistening as it dripped from your core. "Someone's ready," he quipped. He watched you swallow hard, a literal lump in your throat bobbing the skin. Your eyes never left him. "No cumming until I tell you. Do you understand?" When you didn't answer immediately, he swiped his tongue over your wet lips, tasting the honey your body gave him, your back arching away from sheets. "Do you understand?"
And there it was, your punishment finally arriving from your little moment before over dinner. As you still had your wits about you, you uttered a single word response, in the hope that the more submissive you were, the more accepting you were of your chastisement, the less hard on you he was going to be.
"Yes."
His mouth expertly devoured every inch of you, from your inner and outer pussy lips to the depths of your walls, tongue fucking you like you he was starving, the lavish holiday meal he'd partaken in not filling enough. His thumb pressed against your engorged nub, causing you to writhe but a firm arm over your abdomen kept you in place. The same thick fingers that traced lines up your thighs, two were now buried deep inside you, his tongue working away any juices that seeped out. As he gave you a third, stretching you more, you felt your walls start to tighten, that burning coil in your belly flare and your hands gripped the sheets tighter.
Ransom could clearly feel you flutter against his fingers as he stopped his assault and looked up at you.
"What did I say?"
Your chest heaved, your stomach taught and you fought to obey. When you managed to calm yourself, he began again, almost from square one, slowly, tantalizingly slow.
The action was torture and you were desperately willing yourself to remain grounded as again your body fought to ride over the edge building inside you. When his mouth was over you completely, tongue deep, thumb pressing again into your clit, you felt the urge to cum. But he pulled away, slowly, his thumb stopping the pressure, his tongue slowly dragging out of you.
"I said no. This is your punishment for your smart mouth over dinner."
"Please, I need to, I'll... I'll make it worth your while, please just let me." Your voice sounded alien as you spoke, the words leaving your mouth in the desperate hope he’d take pity on you but to no avail. Your attempts at bartering served only to frustrate him, anger him even and he Ransom backed away, roughly pulling you to the edge of the bed before stripping out of his sweater and undershirt, the undeniable outline of his hard cock along his thigh strained against his wool slacks.
Harsh in his grip, he repositioned himself between your legs, your thighs across his shoulders, ass dangling above the floor as a heavy arm kept you still. His flat tongue, hot and full of your sex was eating away at you while his final throws of resolve ate away at him.
“I’m done playing fucking games.” he growled against your aching cunt “I should have gagged you, stuffed my cock deep into the back of your throat, something, anything to shut you up.”
You barely had time to register his words before once more you were flat out against the mattress, trying to regain your breath and calm yourself down when he backed away, tore open his flies and smirked down at you.
"Oh no, Sweetheart, we're not done yet." He kneeled beside you, his chest heaving, hair completely out of place, anger and wait, was that pain, flickering in his eyes as he stuffed you with a hard thrust of his length. "Now you’re gonna cum on this dick."
He thrusted hard and within a few slams of his hips against yours, he allowed you the release you were begging for, "that's right, Princess, cum on my cock."
You wept at the feeling finally freeing you, cries of pleasure spilling from your lips as you squeezed around him. Your chest heaving against his, skin to skin. The fabric of his wool pants hot and itchy against your inner thighs. He was still thrusting but now it had slowed to a roll, slow and calculated. Your muddled mind was buzzing and rapidly trying to sort out if he'd cum inside you or if he wasn't finished. His features were softer, but still filled with purpose and his lips latched onto a naked breast causing your body to react, tingles and flames licking at your core again. His eyes looked up at yours as he caged you in, still buried deep inside you, hips rolling.
"I said we weren't done," he rasped. His thrusts and rolls, the two very different tactics mixing now, made the swell of his cock inside you abhorrently pleasurable. Try as you might, it was impossible to feel otherwise.
And Ransom was finding it equally as hard to hold on. His weight was evenly distributed over her, his cock swelling inside her heat. It took all he had not to blow his load the first time he made her cum, hearing the sinful sounds of her orgasm that felt like a volcanic eruption around his hard shaft. But now he could feel her again, tiny little pulses around his already overtly sensitive dick. He was sure his precum was leaking out, wanting to paint the way for the rest of him to follow. He rolled and thrust as his lips nipped at her neck. She moaned loudly, her body exuding lust. He could feel her shake beneath him and to his delight and surprise her eyes were no longer screwed shut and turned away. Instead they were locked on his. The moment those deep hued orbs met his, he felt a hitch in his breath and tightness in his chest that travelled through his belly and into his cock, causing the thick member to throb inside her. Tiny, soft hands gripped at his biceps, her touch a fiery scald against his skin, almost as if it were frost bite. Her touch equally shocking as her stare and he gave a roll of his hips to hide what he felt. A deep, satiated roll of his hips that sent her over the edge.
"Hugh!" She came around him, harder than her first, crying out his given name. It snapped him from his moment of revelation, driving him insanely frustrated at the word leaving her lips. He slammed into her as she rode out her orgasm, chasing his own.
You felt the dismissal of his body as he violently pulled free from your walls, spewing his hot seed over your abdomen, drops claiming your tits too. He nearly collapsed, his dick in hand, the other holding himself up against the mattress between your legs.
He left you there, dirty, degraded and shut the door with a barked instruction for you to clean yourself up. You no longer cried in front of him, either before, during or after. There was no point. He didn’t care about how you felt, but the thing he DID seem to care about was the fact that you still refused to call him Ransom.
It was the one thing you held on to, the only thing that gave you an inch of control in this entire fucked up situation. You hadn’t missed the look on his face when you’d cried out 'Hugh' in the throes of your last orgasm. Before that moment there had been a softness in his eyes, one that had unnerved you no end, along with something that had looked suspiciously like hope. But when his given name had tumbled involuntarily from your mouth and not the one he preferred that softness had turned to contempt and you didn't miss the undercurrent of disappointment either.
And seeing that, knowing that it pissed him off and dare you say it, upset him so much was your single, albeit feeble, act of rebellion that served as a desperate boost to your ever waning inner strength. *****
Ransom laid in his large, plush bed, hands behind his head as the silk sheets pooled at his waist as morning was in full swing outside. His thoughts strayed to his girl in the basement and he took a deep breath, shifting slightly as he remembered the way her fingers had felt as they’d curled around his biceps, her touch firey but cold. That had been the first time she’d touched him when she wasn’t trying to push him away, it had been involuntary, he knew that, a reaction to the way she’d been feeling, the way he had made her feel.
A twitch resounded deep in his belly....the way he made her feel.
He realised now that he’d been going about this the entirely wrong way. The force had been necessary to make her comply at first, but last night she hadn’t just complied she’d participated, just what he had wanted all along. And all after he’d shown her a little leeway, brought her dinner, entertained her talk. He understood now that he needed to play a different card from his hand. She responded better to conversation, talking. Ransom hated fucking talking, he was more cerebral, calculating. Conversation means connecting, and connecting was something he wasn’t particularly interested in normally. He needed to lead, to be in charge, but it was clearly what she knew and thrived on, so he had to swallow his apprehension down to play the long game, to get what he wanted.
Now he understood that, it was going to be so fucking easy. All he had to do was to seemingly show her compassion, a little give so he could take so to speak. He rolled his head, cracking his neck as he remembered what she said about cooking with her mom so he decided that after her stellar performance last night, today she’d earned a bigger reward than a book or some journal. He was going to show her what she could have if she just gave in and admitted what he knew she truly wanted. A large house, a garden, a pool, a hot tub, silk sheets, a large bed, and a man to fuck her every way to heaven and back. He could give her everything that any woman could possibly desire, and then some.
With a twitch of a smirk across his lips, Ransom pulled his naked frame out of bed and slipped into joggers, a soft waffle knit thermal long sleeve pulled over his tousled hair. He felt like company for breakfast and he knew exactly to invite up.
His bare feet padded with purpose over the plush carpet of his room, down the stairs and onto the first floor, over the hard wood and marble tile of the halls and entry, down the plush carpeted spiral staircase down to the basement.
He reached the door and gently turned the locks, quietly pushing the door open as he turned the knob. It opened quietly and his eyes fell upon the empty bed. He frowned slightly, wondering where she was. Then his eyes found her, sitting curled up with her eyes cast upward, that little tease of a porthole window in her focus. She'd turned her chair around so she could see it more clearly, the throw blanket he'd tossed at her the week before was wrapped around her body. He didn't know the time, but it wasn't early nor was it afternoon. Not that it mattered, neither had anywhere else to be.
"Good morning," he said lowly. He watched as her eyes slowly moved away from the only bit of outside world she'd seen for weeks now.
"Morning," she replied quietly, her eyes locking onto his. "I err, I was just..." she trailed off. "Actually, I don't know what I was doing to be honest."
He stalked up to the chair, kneeling in front her. His hand reached up and cupped her cheek, his thumb running over her cheek bone. "You were such a good girl last night. Took me so well, teased me with that little number you had on. I've thought about you all morning."
Ransom watched her throat bob as she swallowed before licking her lips and biting the inside corner of her lip. Such an innocent gesture that had him half hard straight away.
"I want to give you something. But you have to be good, or it goes away," he started. "Can you be good, Sweetheart?"
She nodded, slightly. "Okay," he smirked. "Now, fix the chair and come up to make us breakfast."
Ransom stood back, allowing you some space to accommodate his request. You slipped the throw blanket from your shoulders and left it in the chair as you rearranged the piece back to its normal state. You met him at the doorway. You didn't miss the way his eyes moved over you, the way they lit up in a way at as he looked at the silken material covering your body. The dark teal silk and lace cami set was just one of a handful of options he'd provided for you. All the same, different colors, all in your size.
You hesitated for a second, not sure if this was another one of his little games but he simply met your eyes with his own and nodded up the stairs. With tentative, shaky steps you climbed them, sensing him close behind you as for the first time in weeks you left your prison. You felt anxious, highly on edge and nervous. What was awaiting you? There was the sickening feeling in your stomach of excitement too, you hadn’t seen the outside since Halloween. You paused at the top of the stairs in the hall. The kitchen was directly across from you, the entry to your right. The door to the basement clicked shut and you felt Ransom’s firm chest behind your back as his form invaded your space. He dragged a finger down your arm causing the strap of your top to fall away, placing a soft kiss on your shoulder.
"Straight ahead, Sweetheart."
“Okay,” you whispered before you slowly made your way through to the large, airy kitchen. You stood looking around, taking in the fancy appliances before you turned back to Ransom. "Did you have something in mind?”
"Well..." Ransom leaned in the doorway, watching you as you stood in the middle of the tiled floor "Yesterday wasn't the first time you said you enjoyed to cook so I thought you might like to." His eyes flicked once more down your frame and back up again before he nodded his head towards the rear of the room. “Anything you need is in the pantry and fridge.”
“And I can make anything I want?” You blinked, not quite able to believe what he was allowing you to do. It was fucked up that you were even considering this as a reward but, you’d take it. Boy would you take it, anything to grasp some sense of normality in this day-by-day hell you were living.
“Sure.” Ransom popped a shoulder again and you took a deep breath before you turned and headed to the sink to wash your hands before sorting out your menu and you froze. The outside landscape had stopped you cold. From what you could see of the back garden the property was secluded, not over looked. A lawn extended a fair distance back from the rear of the house, a neat decking area stood to the right which sported a hot tub and a little further down there looked to be a pool of some kind which was covered over for the season. Trees hung over the bottom of the garden lining the high wooden fence, what few leaves they still sported were shades of crimson, gold and brown and the river traced it’s banks as it curved around the side and back of the house, the sun shining off the surface, giving it the impression it was made of sapphires. It was breathtakingly beautiful and you felt your heart shatter, your eyes well and you couldn't help but hold back the urge to weep as your chest contracted painfully. You were so close to the outside, separated only by a pane of glass, yet it had never felt further away.
His voice broke you from your despair and you swallowed back the sob that choked your throat as you flicked your attention to the left, Ransom's reflection drawing closer towards you as he crossed the terracotta tiled floor.
"Everything alright?"
You cleared your throat and gave a quick shake of your head, "Fine."
Again you felt him in your space. His presence consuming. “You sure?”
Sure? No you weren’t sure. Because none of this was fine, in fact it was as far from fine as it could possibly get. In that moment you wanted nothing more than to spin round and hammer your fists into any part of his body you could hit but you knew that it wouldn't get you anywhere, bar back in the basement likely shackled naked to the bed so you instead turned slowly to find yourself caged in by his broad frame so close to yours. You cast your eyes downward, uncomfortable at his searching stare, "Yeah, I’m sure.”
Your tongue flicked nervously over your lips as you continued to avoid his gaze before you cleared your throat “How do you like your eggs? Or would you prefer an omelette? Pancakes even?" The urge to move away from him pulled you away from your idea of a menu. Brunch basics were flooding your brain and you rattled off a few nervously. He may have said you could make whatever you wanted, but right now, you had no clue. Seeing a different space, the outside world and breathing new air had rattled you.
“You choose.” Ransom spoke softly, his hand reaching up to brush your hair off your face before he tipped your chin up so your eyes met his. He looked at you, and you swallowed as for the first time there was something unreadable on his face. His eyes were looking at you in a way they’d never looked at you before, with a softness you’d never have anticipated he could possess.
"Waffles." You suddenly blurted out, desperate to escape his gaze "I err, do you have a waffle iron?”
“No.” He deadpanned.
"Oh," you swallowed "Erm, then in that case French toast...maybe? Is that ok?"
“Sounds delicious.” He said, his hand dropping from your face, “Sure it’ll taste almost as good as you.”
“Great. How about with fresh Chantilly cream and berries if you have them?” You asked, completely ignoring his blatant back handed compliment and you started familiarizing yourself with the space as you glanced around.
“Like I said, whatever you want, Sweetheart.” He shrugged, and with that he stepped back to allow you to move away.
Ransom watched her move around the luxurious kitchen, looking through the pantry and cabinet near the stove taking out cinnamon and vanilla, plucking items like bread, butter, eggs, berries and cream from the fridge. Searching drawers for utensils and measuring cups and spoons. Finding a pan and bowl from a bottom cabinet. Measuring sugar from the glass jar on the counter. He hoped the ingredients were still fresh, he wasn't exactly sure how long they'd been stored. She moved like she belonged there, he thought to himself. So sexy looking in her nightwear, bare feet on the tile, her ass and breasts moving underneath the silk as she stretched and worked.
"Coffee?" He offered, as he moved from one side to the other. He made sure his exquisite espresso machine was ready as it sat in all its glory on its own portion of the counter like a batista station inside Starbucks.
He didn't miss the way she watched him move around her, preparing the coffee and grabbing the orange juice from the fridge. He reached over her shoulder, his body brushing against hers as he opened the cupboard where he kept the glasses and mugs. He peered down at her, giving a twitch to the corner of his mouth. A smirk indeed. He noted the way her eyes followed him as he poured the juice, like he was going to poison her or something.
"It's just juice, Sweetheart," he said nonchalantly and put the juice back in the fridge. He set the breakfast table for them and took a seat in his place, a now hot cup of coffee in his hand, hers sitting on the counter next to her.
It wasn’t long before she had finished and brought the plates to the table, sitting down timidly in the seat to his right as he gestured to it, stopping her dead as she was about to make her way around to the opposite side.
It was quiet, the only sounds heard for a while were the click and scrape of forks and knives cutting away at the plates of food. Ransom wouldn't admit it out loud, but this was the best French toast he'd ever had in his life. Something about it, the way it was not soggy, but perfectly moist, the edges just crispy. The way the cream made for no syrup and the sweet berries added the final element. He watched her pick at the food for a moment or two as he glanced over at her and saw a small bit of Chantilly in the corner of her mouth.
A long arm reached across the table and automatically she flinched a little, as if she was going to pull away but one firm stare stopped her in her tracks. His thick thumb padded away the white, sweet cream and he brought the same thumb to his lips, sucking the cream away. He lifted his brows in a teasing manner and twitched up his lips, "Delicious. Like I said, almost as good as you, Sweetheart."
"Thanks, I think," she paused.
"Trust me, I know."
The comment seemingly threw her off her meal and it didn't get past Ransom. She had started picking at it, moving it around the plate like she had done with her dinner the night before. He, on the other hand, was near finished.
"Are you still not hungry?" He inquired.
She shook her head, "I just made my portion too big. I overestimated my appetite, I guess."
"Huh," he placated her reply. He knew she was lying but he let it slide, realizing that seeing a new space, the window to the outside was overwhelming. So, he thought he'd sweeten the deal. "I thought maybe you'd like to see the house," he offered, watching as her big eyes locked onto his and she took a deep breath.
"That sounds nice, thank you."
"Good, after breakfast then." He nodded affirmingly, as if it were drying ink in his mind. He picked up his coffee and finished it off, his plate already clear.
She stood from the table, collecting his plate with her own and headed for the sink. He turned in his chair, stalking her, watching her every move. The way she pitched over the sink, bending her frame over the dishwasher to load it as she cleaned up the kitchen.
With each bend and snap of her hips, he felt his mouth water more. Her little silk cami riding up as she moved, her breasts falling in and out of a fuller view. When she tucked a stray hair behind her ear, he was on her. He moved behind her, his hands grabbed her hips as she spun around completely startled giving a gasp and a quick yelp.
"Easy, Sweetheart," he chuckled as she looked at him, her eyes wide.
"Sorry... you, err...you startled me." She whispered as he moved his hands so they gripped at the side of the kitchen counter on either side of her, caging her in with his body.
"Some women would like that," he quipped, arching an eyebrow a little and watched as she swallowed hard and cast her eyes downward. Moving one hand slowly up her arm, over her shoulder and around her neck, he tipped her head back up so those large, Bambi eyes locked onto his.
His hand adjusted, gripping her chin softly as he moved closer still, dipping his head he pressed a firm kiss to her lips. He felt her go rigid, her chest spiking as she drew in a sharp breath, her body shaking slightly in his hold. "Stop fighting it..." he whispered against her mouth before he kissed her again. This time, his tongue traced the line of her upper lip, the feel of it soft and soothing.
You felt his tongue line your lip and you couldn't hold the whimper of fear that passed through you. He’d never kissed you before, not on the mouth anyway. You felt him deepen his kiss, his big hand cupping your face, pulling you into it more. Your mind went elsewhere, imagining anyone but him kissing you like this. You couldn't deny it, this intimate moment, completely lost on both of you for different reasons, felt good and he was good at it. He was damn good at it in fact, and that alone made you want to vomit your breakfast into his throat. At that, you jerked back, panting a little, feeling your lips swollen from the way he'd sucked your bottom one between his, pulling at it just the right way. You hated the feeling between your legs that it had evoked, your body betraying you just like it always did.
In an attempt to stave off the conflicting emotions spiking within you, you focussed on his face, the face you hated and to your surprise he looked dazed. The usual stoic expression that clouded his features had been replaced with something akin to surprise but no sooner had you noticed it, it was gone.
"Clean up and I'll meet you in the study." He told you, his voice a deep almost pained whisper.
"But I don't..." you started but were quickly cut off.
"You're a smart girl, figure it out," he smirked and slipped away.
You were tempted to follow, just so you'd see where he was going but you knew not to defy a command. The feeling of unease seemed to disappear as you slumped your shoulders and instead defeat filled your frame. A trembling hand came to your lips as jittery fingertips touched your swollen skin. Your bottom lip quivered like a ripple in a river and you quickly covered your mouth, turning on a dime as your French toast littered the sink. If the water hadn't been running already, Ransom would no doubt have heard you retching. You rinsed your mouth out to attempt at hiding that vomit taste from your tongue and quickly finished your task of cleaning up the kitchen, salty tears dripping from your chin, mixing with the soapy water.
When you could stall no longer, you sighed and headed out into the large hallway, taking a quick look around. It was light, airy, the grand staircase swept in and curved round to the next floor and your eyes lingered on the heavy wooden door just beyond it. You hesitated, and then with a dejected sigh realised there was no point even trying to escape. Even if it was unlocked, which you doubted, the threat to your family was just too much for you to risk. Instead, you decided to head down the corridor to your right and found yourself in a large open plan living room of sorts. It was decorated in clean whites and crisp greys with a huge feature stone open fireplace and sported a bar at the back. A brown leather sofa and two matching arm chairs were strategically placed around an expensive looking coffee table but you didn’t bother to look at the rest, this wasn’t the room you needed so you turned back on yourself, walked back into the hall and took the turning to your left.
This time you found yourself walking into what you could only assume was his study-come-den of sorts. It was huge, and once again sported a sofa pushed up against the wall, looking out over the spectacular view of not only the garden but the river too. But that wasn’t what caught your attention, nor was it the walnut desk and laptop that sat upon it. It was the floor to ceiling bookshelf behind it. Your mouth dropped open as you made your way towards it but then you stopped, biting your lip. Were you supposed to be looking at them? But, he had said to meet you in here. And left you to find your own way. Surely, if he didn’t want you looking around he wouldn’t have left you to it.
Throwing caution to the wind you strode forward, your pace hurried this time and your eyes quickly scanned across some of the books. You couldn’t help but feel shocked. Whilst there was a huge collection of his Grandfather’s books, and a number of other crime novels of types, it was the colourful spines to your right that made your chest heave in delight. The entire Harry Potter collection. With a shaky hand you reached for The Philosopher’s Stone, noting the British version of the title, and opened the front page giving another gasp as you read the publishing details.
This was a first edition. And from the date you also knew it would be one that contained the misprint errors. And as such, would be worth a small fortune.
“See something you like?” that familiar voice hit your ears and you gave a little shriek, jumping around, clutching the book to your chest to avoid dropping it.
“I’m sorry.” You hastily began to apologise “I was just…erm…”
“It’s ok.” He assured you, crossing towards you. Once more he encroached into your personal space and you felt the blades of your shoulders press into the shelf behind you. “Harry Potter fan?”
“Yeah.” You nodded, “Didn’t think they’d be your type of thing.
“They’re not really.” He shrugged “I’m a collector. Everything on the shelves, well they’re all first or limited editions, so worth a lot.”
“Figures.” You mumbled, turning round and slotting the book back into the space it had come from. As you did you felt him push up behind you, his hands on your hips, the unmistakable feel of his hard on dug into the lower part of your back and you fought to stop yourself shuddering. He was after pay-back for allowing you to leave your prison.
“Did you like the house?” he asked, brushing your hair off your neck.
“Yes.” You answered politely, your voice catching a little as he placed a kiss to the crook of your shoulder.
“You know, it could all be yours sweetheart if you just stopped fighting what you know you want” His kisses continued up your neck as his words whirled around your brain and you were back to where you had been in the kitchen. It felt good. And that disgusted you.
“Did you enjoy making breakfast?” he whispered, his lips by your ear.
“Yeah.” You nodded, your voice barely there.
“Show me how much.” His teeth nipped at your lobe, his hips grinding forward and you swallowed and closed your eyes. You knew what he wanted but as you turned to face him you had an idea. One which would save you being fucked no doubt over the desk or on the hard looking couch.
With a lick of your lips you looked at him and sank slowly to your knees, taking his sweats with you. His hard cock sprang free, slapping his lower abs and you reached out, grasping it in your hand.
“Fuck, yeah baby…” Ransom hissed as you moved your head forwards and took him in your mouth.
You pulled out all the moves, you took him as deep as you could, gagging a little as he wasn’t a small man. You kept your hand firmly on the base of his cock, you hollowed your lips, you swirled your tongue around his shaft and he let out a little groan his hand fisting in your hair as his hips bucked forwards.
“Jesus, I knew your mouth was smart but…” he panted, looking down at you. You raised your eyes to look at his as he bit his lip, his entire face contorted in pleasure…
Pleasure that was ruined by the sound of the doorbell.
“What the fuck…” Ransom growled out, un-fisting his hand from her hair. “Who the fuck is that?”
He glanced down at her and she looked up at him, wide eyed. She was a mess, swollen lips, wet chin and dressed in nothing but her skimpy tank and shorts. With a frustrated growl, Ransom pulled his dick out of her mouth and grabbed his phone from the table to check the doorbell camera. His face blanched as he saw who it was.
“I don’t fucking believe it…” he mumbled, as she looked up at him.
“Who is it?” She asked, wiping her face, “I’m not exactly dressed for visitors, Hugh.”
Ransom might have been pre-occupied with the familiar face staring at him from his phone, but he still picked up on that 'Hugh' and he glared down at her. “No shit, and because we have a visitor, I'm gonna let that one slide. Get up.” She rose to her feet, blinking a little as he pulled off the thermal he was wearing and tossed it to her. “Put that on. No one gets to see you in silk but me.”
She blinked as she caught it, confusion spreading across her face. “Don’t you just want me to go-“
In a flash, he grabbed her chin between his thumb and finger and she winced, “If I wanted you downstairs I’d have said. So put the damn shirt on, and when he starts asking questions just remember what I said I could do to your family and friends.”
In complete complacency, he watched her slip his thermal over her head, her fingers barely peeking through the sleeves to fix her dishevelled hair. The material hit her mid-thigh and his eyes brows gave a flicker of approval before he walked to the entry and opened the door. "What do you want?"
"Pleasure to see you too, Mr. Drysdale..." that infuriating Southern drawl hit Ransom's ears with all the finesse of a cheese-grater. Benoit Blanc, without so much as a gesture of request, pushed past Ransom as he strode inside, stopping in the tiled entry, looking around.
"Do you have a warrant?" The man of the house snipped in his usual spiteful tone.
Blanc still didn’t reply, and Ransom rolled his eyes following him as he wandered down the hallway, stopping at the open door to the study. "Well, if it isn't the lady of the hour."
Ransom stood behind Blanc, an infuriatingly warning glare sent his girl's way. He noted the way she was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked underneath her, lips still swollen, cheeks flushed, hair tousled. She looked like a sex kitten, and maybe that was the idea. He warned her to sell it after all…
"Excuse me?” Y/N looked up at the two men in the doorway.
Blanc stepped inside the room, taking a seat on the edge of the same couch where she sat. "I've been looking for you, young lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know Miss Y/L/N.”
“I errr…” she swallowed a little as she slowly got to her feet, her hands pulling the hem of the thermal down before she folded her arms across her chest, not in a defiant manner, but almost as if she was hugging herself “Did someone send you or…”
“No, nothing like that. You see, I heard you'd gone missing, and I knew you had a work connection to Mr. Drysdale, that, shall we say didn't go quite as planned. So when things started adding up, I thought to ask the man himself."
“Well, congratulations, this is one mystery you actually solved correctly, Sherlock. As you can see she’s here and she’s fine, and we were in the middle of something, so if you don’t mind….” Ransom folded his arms, his eyes moving from hers to Blanc, who was irritatingly completely ignoring him, his gaze focussed intently on the woman who stood in front of him.
Ransom could see him take her in fully, now seeing the situation he may have just walked in on. She looked dishevelled and was missing crucial parts of her clothing, but she had no tears in her eyes, no markings looking to be of abuse or out of the ordinary. None that were visible anyway. Blanc’s gaze then dragged over to Ransom who was bare foot in joggers and still half aroused, which he did nothing to hide as he folded his arms over his naked chest.
Ransom held Blanc’s gaze, his chin jutting out defiantly, the detective only looking away when the lady of the hour spoke, her voice quiet, as she gave a small nod. "He’s right, I’m fine."
"Then why not tell your family where you are?”
“I err…” Y/N’s right hand gripped he cuff of the sweater sleeve tightly, “I just, well, I…”
Ransom could see that she was losing it and he knew he had to intervene. He walked over to her and placed an arm around her, kissing the top of her head lightly, "It's alright, Sweetheart. I know how he can be frustrating. We're doing nothing wrong."
With that he turned his gaze to the man in front of him, not even trying to hide the sneer of contempt that was crossing his face “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you Blanc.”
“Well, maybe Miss Y/L/N has some crayons hidden up her sleeve so to speak.” Blanc smiled innocently and Ransom felt the anger floor his system.
“You’re starting to really piss me off.” he snarled, “You barge into my home, without so much of an explanation…” his rant was stopped dead as Y/N placed her hand on his chest, palm splaying over his bare skin. Ransom swallowed at the touch of her fingers against his skin, firey hot just as they had been last night when they curled around his arms.
"Hey," she spoke and he looked down to see her giving him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes but one that should be enough to convince the dumbass detective who was watching them. "It's okay." She then turned to Blanc as he held his hand up, palm open, speaking to Ransom.
“I’m not trying to be frustrating Mr. Drysdale, I'm merely enquiring after Miss Y/L/N’s wellbeing."
"I'm not here under duress if that's what you're thinking.” She spoke, clearing her throat. “Hu… Ra, we have had to keep our relationship private,” she stumbled on the right identity, settling for 'we'. Clearing her throat again and settling her nerves, she continued, "Mr. Blanc, as you well know, I'm reporter and his background has been less than stellar as of late. It no doubt would not look good for either of us if it had come to light. My reputation as a journalist would have been in tatters.”
“Well, lies and deception certainly go hand in hand when it comes to Mr. Drysdale...”
Ransom rolled his eyes dramatically “Change the record, Blanc. The static is a little loud.”
Blanc completely ignored him, his attention still on her. “So you caused all this worry, because of some…” he waved his hand in front of him, gesturing between the pair of them.
Ransom’s arm curled round her even tighter, his fingers pressing into her hip and he felt her stiffen a little before she relaxed into his side and gave a small nod.
"Like I said, it wouldn’t have gone down well with my family, or my career.”
“Ahh, yes, your job, which you quit.” Blanc looked at her. “Yes, I spoke to your boss.” He answered her unasked question. “Why would you be so worried for your reputation as a journalist, if you’re not actually a journalist anymore?”
At that she took a deep breath “I quit the paper because my boss is an asshole. His antics on Halloween were a step too far. But that doesn’t mean I have no intentions of working ever again. I'm currently taking a long overdue sabbatical.”
Blanc studied her again, almost as if he was weighing something up and she once more began to fidget and Ransom decided he’d had enough.
"Okay, I’m done being polite,” Ransom moved his arm from around his girl and stepped towards Blanc, placing himself directly between the detective and the woman. “You've interrupted out little post brunch love affair and I’m horny, so…do you need help finding the door, or can your super sleuth skills figure the way back out of it on their own?”
“Miss Y/L/N?” Blanc spoke, his eyes locked onto Ransom’s. Ransom felt the nerve in his jaw twitch, the fact that Blanc wasn’t scared of him irritated him no end.
There was a pause and then her voice came clearly from behind him as she spoke, “If you'd be so kind as to not tell my family where I am, I'd appreciate it. I prefer this time without their unwanted opinion.” Her voice was steady, measured almost. “You can tell them that you've found me, alive and well."
Blanc knew he wasn't welcome, he had proof of life and no reason to suspect foul play. He stood, his long wool coat falling into place around him. "Well, then I guess my work is done." He brushed passed Ransom and gave a quick quip, "I'm warning you...."
"What was that?" His girl wondered. She'd heard him.
"Have a nice day," Blanc nodded curtly “I’ll see myself out.”
You watched the back of the detective as he left the large living room, Ransom following him to the doorway where he stood, arms folded, watching. The sound of Blanc’s feet on the tiles of the hallway grew fainter and fainter until eventually they stopped completely. The latch of the door sounded and you fell to the closest thing you could sit on. Your while body shook with a chill that crept into your bones but not from the cold. No, you were sick to your stomach in fear and worry. The bile of deceit rose to your throat and had you not already spewed up your breakfast it would have most likely decorated the carpet of the study. Instead, you swallowed down the sour bile as Drysdale approached you and you glanced up at him, blinking whilst he studied you for a second, his face passive. As you held his gaze, something akin to amusement flashed in his cold blue eyes and a twisted smirk spread across his face.
“Your acting skills certainly improved there along the way, at the end you were almost award worthy.” He drawled, his hands falling to his hips. “Even Meryl Streep would be jealous.”
"Fuck you," your voice quivered.
He arched an eyebrow, an amused expression on his features “Already played that game Sweetheart, and carry on back-chatting me and you’ll be back in the basement.”
"Wh... What?"
"You pulled through in the end there. It was a rough start, but you convinced Colonel Sanders that you were here on your own."
“Colonel Sanders?” You blinked, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Blanc. CSI KFC.” He replied. You were none the wiser as to what he was going on about and it must have shown on your face as he simply rolled his eyes. "Never mind...the point is, sweetheart, I'm in a good mood. And seeing as you behaved...”
"What?" Your voice was quiet, meek.
"If you shut that pretty little mouth for longer than a second, I'll explain." His tone was measured but you didn’t miss the underlying threat.
“Sorry.” Your eyes fell to the floor, your left hand worrying at your right.
“Eyes on me.” He barked and your head whipped up automatically and he smirked at you as you took a deep breath. “As I was saying, seeing as you were such a good girl, I thought I’d reward you, let you stay up here with me for the day.”
The notion shocked you. Your mouth went dry and you couldn't make sense of it. But then, the more you thought about it, the more his audacity irked you. He’d imprisoned you, used you, abused you…and now he was implying that staying in his company was a fucking reward.
“Wow, thanks…” you blurted before you could stop yourself, sarcasm lacing your tone. As soon as the words had slipped from your mouth you felt panic flood your system as he stepped towards you and reached out, his right hand curling around your throat.
"Don’t push me sweetheart.” His voice was low as his fingers squeezed the column of your neck, a reminder of how easily he could simply end it all whenever he chose.
And just like that the softness that he had displayed with you earlier that morning was gone, and the shutters were back up. You swallowed hard, feeling the strain of your throat against his touch, his eyes now dark and full of that familiar angry lust and desire that chilled you from head to toe. Blanc had riled him, gotten underneath his skin, that was easy to see while your mouthy comments fuelled that ire. And as such, he needed an escape, an outlet.
And he was going to get it from you.
“Now on your knees and finish what you started."
**** Part 4
#murder he wrote#dark ransom drysdale#ransom drysdale#dark ransom drysdale x reader#dark ransom x reader#dark ransom drysdale x you#ransom drysdale x reader#ransom drysdale x you#ransom drysdale fic#chris evans#chris evans characters
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2022 Language Goals
Oho that’s right, it’s time for the yearly post!
The good news is that my languages have progressed and continued, and now that I’ve finished high school, I’ve been able to set ✨actual tangible goals ✨ for this year.
Target Languages
French
Given that I already speak very confident conversational French, my main goal this year is to maintain the level that I already have. Between placing (equal) 1st in my senior year French Extension course, and 2nd in my senior year French Continuers course with Distinguished Achievement, plus what the internet has told me, I estimate my fluency level to be a comfortable C1 (sorry for the flex, I have flourishing imposter syndrome and constantly need to remind myself of my achievements). While I’d love to take the DALF this year to confirm this level, I don’t know if it will logistically happen what with everything else that I have going on. Maybe next year.
I will also be taking French in university this year; I’m still waiting on the last rounds of offers to decide on my course, but it will either be the major for an Arts degree in a combined Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Linguistics, OR one of two language majors (the other being Korean) in a dual major for a Bachelor of Arts/Advanced Studies. I’m gunning for the second one, but the first is a great fallback that has already been confirmed by that uni.
Korean
So I have finally been able to dedicate time to consistent, substantial study and I really do feel like I’m progressing at a rate that makes me happy this year. I really hope I can study Korean at uni, but in the meantime I’ve worked out a reasonable self-study structure. I’ve long-abandoned the How To Study Korean website, as useful of a resource that it is, in favour of the Talk To Me In Korean textbooks, which I adore. I started the Level 1 course in June 2020, so yes, it has taken me over 18 months to finish, which I’m not proud of, but I really didn’t have the time. Now that I do, I’m only a few chapters off finishing it, and have set myself the goal of finishing it by the end of this month (January).
I also decided that because I love the textbook series so much - they’re so pretty - and because I’ve been at least interested and invested in the language for these 18 months (even if I hadn’t been able to actively study until recently), that I deserve a ✨present ✨. So I gifted myself the TTMIK textbooks for Levels 2-5 (and the grammar workbooks as well, of course) for the New Year. I’m really excited to start Level 2 in February, which is the other reason for going so hard at Level 1 this month.
With all that being said, my goal for Korean this year is to finish at least Level 2, and feel confident in those levels. If I end up studying at uni too, then my goals may shift to accommodate my course. We’ll see!
German
Yes, a new challenger appears! I’ve been pretty curious about picking up some German in the last six or so months, and after that curiosity didn’t go away I figured, why not? After all, it is one of my most long-standing and important life goals to speak 4+ languages. Why not dabble for a bit? By dabble, I uh... I signed up for the Lingoda German Sprint in February. 2 months intensive beginners’ German, 15 classes per month. This should be fun. Fortunately I’m friends with a couple native speakers as well, so I’ve been able to pester them in extremely broken German as well (“Meine Katze sagt hallo” “Meine auch”).
Hence, the goal for German is to reach A1.1 level. A1 would be wonderful, but between starting university, two jobs, and another two target languages, I figure smaller goals are better to start with, and if I exceed my own expectations then that’s an added bonus.
Language Tracking
I was on a Lindie Botes binge for motivation, and I had a spare notebook... so I caved and started a 2022 language tracking journal. Or, as I affectionately labelled it, a LangLog. It encompasses yearly goals for each language, with space for reflection/changes made on the opposite page, smaller monthly goals (decided each month), a log of hours studied that month (right next to the cute little calendar layout stamp I got at Books Kinokuniya for a ridiculous amount of money) in bar graph and highlighter form (à la Lindie), and then a brief weekly recap of the study I did that week and how I feel about it for each language. Sadly, I’m too lazy to include photos today but perhaps another time.
Until next time,
À la prochaine fois,
안녕히계세요,
Tschüss,
You get it.
#language#languagelearning#langblog#lindiebotes#french#français#korean#한국어#공부#étudier#studyblr#langblr#german#deutsch#deutschlernen#apprendre
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Murder, He Wrote
Part 3 Co-Written with @southerngracela
Summary: It’s Thanksgiving, but when you’re being held hostage by Hugh Ransom Drysdale there’s really not a lot to be thankful for, is there?
Warnings: Bad language words. MATURE (NSFW 18+) NON-CON situation, kidnap, violence. DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THOSE TRIGGER… READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!
Pairing: DARK! Ransom Drysdale x Reader
A/N: So this is Part 2 to our submission for @jtargaryen18 ‘s Haunted House 2020 Challenge. Once again READ THE WARNINGS!!!! This is a DARK Series… don’t @ us if you can’t follow simple instructions and end up with butt-hurt. And if you’re under 18…get off my blog.
Series Masterlist.
You could feel the chill of the outside seeping into your space, your bones, through the vented window following your shower. The way it crept in made you realize just how far along through fall you were, maybe it was even approaching the onset of the holiday weather. Either way, a storm seemed to be outside. At least it felt like it. Once dried, you found yourself wrapping up tighter in the thick cardigan you’d chosen before you dried your hair, and allowed yourself a quick squirt of perfume before settled into the reading chair in the corner of your room, your journal on your lap.
The little, leather bound book had been in your handbag which had been given back to you earlier that morning as the latest reward for behaving and as you ran your hand over the deep brown cover, you couldn’t help the air of excitement you felt at having been given your treasured little note book, despite the dreary sky you could see from the porthole above your chair.
It had actually surprised you that Drysdale had kept it and not disposed of it the same way he had your phone and your car. But for whatever reason, he’d held onto it, and for that you were grateful. Grateful that you had something of your own from before this imprisonment to anchor too. You’d expected him to want some kind of favour in return but he hadn’t demanded any sort of sexual gratification, simply informed you he would be out most of the morning and would be back mid to late afternoon. As soon as he had gone you had eagerly tipped the contents of your bag onto the bed, almost crying at the sight of your half empty bottle of Coco-Mademoiselle, the Mac Lip-gloss, NYX Eyebrow pencil, Mont Blanc fountain pen, a full tube of mints and your treasured journal. With teary eyes you’d put everything away in its new place, apart from the book and pen before padding into the bathroom for a shower, deliberately sorting yourself out for the day. All you could think of was taking the time so you could savour the moment when you could hopefully make some sense of the jumble in your head by spilling it onto a page.
You opened the cover and flicked to your last entry, the morning of Halloween. A rambling rant about Mick-The-Prick filled the page and you paused, tears in your eyes, as you’d give anything to be stood in his office thinking about ingenious ways to kill him and get away with it. Ironic, really considering that was exactly what your captor had done; committed murder and gotten away with it.
You went to jot the date down in the corner of the page and realised that actually, you didn’t have a clue what it was. Down here, night bled into day, day bled into night…and soon it all bled into weeks. However, given the fact your cycle had been and gone a week ago you figured that it was maybe four weeks since Halloween. Of course, you could ask Hugh, but the less you had to ask him the better as far as you were concerned. You hate the fact that he had this hold on you, that you had to ask for and ‘earn’ things by being ‘good’. And whilst it made you sick to your stomach, you’d fast learnt it was easier to comply than rebel. The night he had left you tangled in your sweater had hurt. It had taken you a good twenty minutes to muster the strength to work your way out and drag yourself into a bath, your body shaking with the trauma, sobs wracking your frame. Your body ached for days, your mind in a post-traumatic cloud of despair. And whilst it hadn’t broken you per-say, it had certainly made you realise exactly what the bastard was capable of, and you had no intention of finding out just how much further he was willing to go.
So, in summary, it had taken Ransom Drysdale two days to break you into compliance.
You’d become passive, so to speak. You gave into his whims, let him use you as he saw fit, did as he told… for the most part anyway. There had been a few other incidents post the sweater one where you’d forgotten yourself and protested, fought a little and he’d gone hard on you, but nothing like that second night. Your passive behaviour was mistaken by him for compliance, and as such you had earned a number of rewards. The bistro table where you took your meals, a book or two which just so happened to be by his grandfather, a gesture you weren't sure was him purging or pressing an agenda onto you. And more recently and most preciously, your bag. But, the strange thing was, that whilst he wanted you to give into him physically, he seemed to enjoy the fact that you were in no way, shape or form compliant to him in others. You openly sassed him, bit back, called him out and he actively encouraged it. He’d started spending a little more time with you in the mornings and afternoons, not just visiting you to toy with you or fuck, but to engage in these little tete-a-tete’s, and the sickest, most perverted thing about it was that you were almost glad. The loneliness was crippling, and you craved company. Even if it was his.
All things considered, you’d rather ask him for as little as possible so instead, you flicked to the front of the book and crossed off the days on the small calendar inside the cover. Deciding that the date it led you to was as accurate as it was going to get, you turned back, jotted it down in the top right of your page and stared at the blank lines, looking to sort your thoughts for your next entry.
The saying used to go, what's in a name, however as I sit here thinking back on the last few weeks I wonder now what's in a day. My days consist of imprisonment. Held by a captor I have met once before. He's smart, almost too smart. Displaying forms of abuse and aggressive behaviors any FBI analyst would love to dive deep into. But that's not my job, no, my job is to please and satisfy him. Answer to his whims of gratification at any call of the day. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. But if I behave, he lets few things get by. I miss home, my bed, my life. I miss Mick, which is saying a lot all things considered. I don't know still what he wants from me, other than the obvious sexual gratification with little to no room for anything else. I'm a toy, a means to an itch. I don't know how long exactly I've been here, I can only guess it's been about a month. Nor do I know how long I'll have to stay. The answers are blurred like my vision, marred by tears and the low light inside. I haven't seen outside since the day he took me. I haven't been anywhere outside this room. I can see from the small porthole window above this stupidly soft leather chair the season has changed. It feels like deep fall, and as a storm comes outside, what little sky I see is bleak and dark, clouds covering the bluest of skies, angry and ready to open up, raining down water to wash away the sins of the day. I wish I could do the same.
Before you realized, time had obviously passed, for the sound of the door bolts unlocking had you guessing it was late afternoon or early evening. A glance up at the porthole behind you confirmed as much. The sky was dark and rain had been beating on the window for a little while.
In came Drysdale, hair a bit wet, a strand slightly out of place, wool pants and maroon sweater. He carried a plate of food in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. He looked irked, like he'd wasted time on something, a look you were now able to decipher after weeks of seeing it.
"Happy Thanksgiving," he said, setting the plate down on the bistro table with its two accompanying chairs, waiting for you to join him.
Instead of biting back, you simply whispered, "it’s Thanksgiving?" You checked the inside cover of your journal and see the date again. You were a day off and it now dawned on you. It was the fourth Thursday of the month and indeed, Thanksgiving. You glanced back up at Ransom and a deep sadness washed over you. Closing your journal and setting it on the table by your chair, you stood, moving towards him and the plate of food. You took a seat and looked down at the plate, full of the holiday dish basics; turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, diced not candied yams and roasted green beans. It was gourmet and nothing near what he'd been serving you or managing to try. "Thank you," you said softly, rolling your fork through the potatoes. You take a bite but it's about as bland and tasteless as your despair.
"I brought it back from the country club, I met my father there," he looked under your gaze again, as if willing your eyes to his. "Do you not like it?"
Finally, your gaze met those cold cerulean orbs, setting your fork down and you took a drink of water, "No, it's fine." Then you picked up your fork again and took another bite, this time of the turkey and gravy. You didn't have it in you for an argument or it's physical ramifications.
"Are you not hungry?" Ransom pressed.
"I guess not as much as I thought," you repled further poking at your food, your voice cracking a little as you try to keep your composure. The sting of the holiday has you broken, far more than you'd expected. Normally, today you'd be helping your mother in the kitchen, settling the final touches on the side dishes and listening to your father tell your uncle about some a-typical dad joke he'd heard. Your sister would be giddy over the wine while her boyfriend of the month received death glares from said uncle and your father.
Ransom outwardly sighed and you wait for what you were trying to avoid. "Are you alright?"
The question threw you off guard completely and you struggled to hide the shock from your expression. He never cared about your feelings before. Maybe he thought you were coming down with something. You braced yourself to answer honestly. There was no point in lying, he'd see through it.
"I'm fine, I'm not sick if that's what you're thinking," you answered, a deep restraint on your tone to keep yourself in check. "I hadn't realized what day it was. I didn't know it was Thanksgiving." You swallowed the lump in your throat and blinked hard. "My mom, my sister and I, we used to all help make dinner as a family. My dad and uncle would talk a bunch of shit around the fireplace while shooting death glares at my sister's flavor of the month."
He looked at you like he was confused. You scoff, "Of course you wouldn't understand."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He squint his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. His body language completely changed as he leaned forward on his forearms, popping one shoulder up higher than the other.
"Nothing," you backed down immediately.
"Tell me," he pressed.
God, he was relentless. You pushed your plate forward and leaned on your own elbows. You looked at him with a raised brow, "am I going to be in trouble if you don't like what I have to say?"
"Depends," he popped a shoulder smugly.
You matched his expression and his demeanour falters just a fraction. You saw it, but you didn't hold back. "Then I'd rather keep it to myself. That's what you want isnt it? Me to comply, be obedient? Frankly, I'm not in the mood."
He failed to hide his smirk and you noticed that too, "Sweetheart." It wasn't laced with teasing, rather his pet name for you on his tongue held a cautious venom.
"You hate your family. You know nothing about love and what it takes to give love. Hell, I don't doubt that for a minute you've ever felt loved. It's all an act. Self-preservation even. I don't know you or your family outside of the hours of research I did and the mere forty five minutes I listened to you drone on about your 'predicament'. But, the cold hearted truth of it is, you don't know how to love." You watched him run his tongue along his teeth as he continued to glare at you, but you weren't finished. "And that's what family is, it's what they do. They love, they are the embodiment of love at its deepest root. Maybe, just maybe somewhere along your life, your parents loved you, but judging by the Thrombey-Drysdale standards, none of you know what love is outside your selfish tithings and flashy cars. It got lost along the way, more than likely long before you ever were born."
"Wow," he raised his brows and clicked his tongue against his teeth, "That's good, that's really good."
You're fear receptors suddenly spiked as recognizable flash of anger in his eyes flashed through his irises. But there was something else there that you couldn't put your finger on it. Your breathing quickly up-ticked as you felt your palms begin to sweat.
He inhaled a deep, almost centering breath, "that perfume in your bag, I like it."
As if he'd grown a second head, you blinked hard refocusing on him. Had you heard him right? You'd just broken a rule, laid out an unspeakable truth for him and now in a blink he's, God forbid, complimenting your scent? Who the fuck was this guy? Was he on meds? Because he should be or he should at least probably share. It might make life here more bearable. "What?"
"The perfume from your bag, you're wearing it. It smells good," he lamented.
Alright, now the 'of sound mind' argument might be worth something because he sure as shit wasn't now. You swallowed and picked up your fork, taking a bite of the cold food just to buy yourself some time as you tried to process the scene before you. You had no remark to make. Confusing jumbled any thought of a coherent word you could utter.
"Maybe if I'm out, I can pick you up a new bottle. I noticed you were near empty," Ransom offered.
This was starting to make your stomach turn. If he'd gone through your bag, because why wouldn't he at this point, smelled your perfume, had he read your journal? You made a mental note to go back through and see if there was anything he'd read that he had used against you thus far or could use to corner you in the future. You looked around the room, waiting to see if you were being Punk'd. Just who the fuck is this guy? Without your expression giving too much of your confusion away, you nod at him in reply. "Thank you, I'd like that."
"Hmph," he paused, a dramatic effect he seemed to know that your heart rate up in anxiety. "Well, then why are you looking at me like I have two heads, Y/N?"
Tread lightly, you thought to yourself. He didn't call you by your first name often, in fact, the last time he had, you were very much smarting back and it resulted in a forceful situation that left you raw and sore for a few days. It was always 'Sweetheart'.
He baited you, you knew it, but you couldn't back out now. So you sighed, "I know I'm not supposed to ask questions, but, I don't even know who you are right now. Do you? One minute you're giving me food and being gentle, the next you're allowing my opinion, and now you're ready to flip this table. That's as close as two heads as it gets."
"Careful, Sweetheart," he now glared at you. There it was, you were in for it. The approach of choice, you weren't sure of, but he was done. You'd learned the different tones in his voice by now, the cues he gave. You were definitely in trouble. You dropped your eyes to your plate. The food stone cold and no longer even appealing in its slightest measure, a wave of nausea washing over you. You further pushed your plate away, "I don't think I'm hungry anymore."
His broad frame rose from the chair, "you weren't to begin with," his left hand reaching for the plate and holds it in his hand, "Third drawer down in the armoire. Pick something, I'll be back."
You watched him leave, the familiar click of the door shutting and snap of the lock sounded around the small apartment and you exhaled loudly, your head dropping into your hands. This wasn’t the first time he’d requested that you ‘dress for the occasion’ so to speak. With a deep breath you stood up and crossed the room, opening the drawer of requirements, seeking out a negligee for him to no doubt remove. Your fingers roamed over the fabrics and selection. La Perla, Agent Provocateur, Carine Gilson, Coco de Mer and Fleur of England were just a handful of the expensive, high-end brands that filled the space. Your fingers smoothed over a black macrame and tule underwired long line bra and the matching thong that was folded neatly under it. Plucking it from the drawer, you headed for the bathroom. You slipped out of your casual tee, duster cardigan and leggings, the bra and panties you'd had on. You sighed as you took a good look at yourself in your naked form.
While you hadn't lost a ton of weight over the last month, you could tell you'd grown thinner. You weren't gaunt but your lack of a daily Dunkin' Donuts macchiato had seemed to thin you out. Your captor made sure you were fed, but you didn't always eat. The plump of your cheeks had receded and your little pooch brought on by happy carbs was sucked into your frame. There were a few bruises still seen, near green, an indication of their final healing stage. The pock mark from a hickey he'd given you still a bit scaby as he'd broken the skin just barely. This was your life now and it made what few bites of Thanksgiving dinner in your stomach nearly lurch forward back up your throat.
You swallowed it down, pulling the long line bra straps up your arms and clasping it behind your back. Your legs slipped into the thong panties and you pulled the material up your freshly smooth legs. Your shaky fingers plucked at the hair tie that fastened the end of your brain closed, nails raking through your hair to loosen your tendrils. He always wanted your hair loose. You looked at yourself in the mirror, you were ready.
***** Ransom tossed the un-eaten food into the garbage and dumped the plate into the sink to be dealt with later. Turning so that his lower back was leaning on the edge of the kitchen counter he ran a hand over his clean shaven jaw, his mind ticking over the events of the day so far. A pain-in-the-ass Thanksgiving meal with his father had been made bearable by the fact he knew he was coming back to her, and because he hadn’t wanted to be a complete monster he’d made the effort of bringing her a nice dinner back too. But she’d hardly touched any of it.
And what disturbed him most about it, was the fact that instead of wanting to punish her for being an ungrateful bitch, he instead felt a deep rooted sense of concern. She’d lost weight, her face was pale, her hip bones more pronounced, and frankly the last thing he wanted was her passing out on him. Whilst he wanted her compliant, necrophilia really wasn’t his bag.
He had thought by giving her back the bag she’d had on her the night he took her he might have seen a lift in her spirits so to speak, a little gratitude, but instead she’d been meek and reserved until he’d coaxed that familiar sass out of her. And even then she’d been reticent.
It should have pleased him that she was learning her place and becoming more subservient. But if he was being honest with himself, he almost missed her fighting and arguing back. It had been exciting in a way, and he had thought it would have taken longer than it had to break her so to speak. Maybe he had overestimated exactly what a fighter she was, maybe she wasn’t the right muse for his writing after all. Because, let’s face it, writing a tale about a woman who was captured and broken into submission within two days, merely becoming a puppet for her captor’s whims was hardly going to win him any accolades was it? He needed more, needed something that he could spin a good story from. He knew now that when he went back down to her he had to try a different tact so to speak, he needed to coax her mind into reacting not merely her body.
Because if he couldn’t do that, there was no point in keeping her.
He allowed her half an hour or so before he headed back down the stairs and found her sat on the bed, dressed in one of the sets he’d purchased, her hair loose round her face and shoulders the way he liked. She jumped to her feet and he had to actively supress the groan that was rolling in his throat as his eyes scanned her up and down, and he didn’t miss the slight bruises that dotted her skin in various places where he’d marked her as his own. She’d long since stopped trying to cover herself up. Instead she stood stock still, her eyes focussed on the floor.
With long strides he walked into the room and stopped in front of her, tipping her chin up with his finger so she was looking at him, her eyes wide with trepidation and he gave a smirk as he reached up, brushing her hair off the side of her face and neck, dropping his head as he did so.
“You smell so good, Sweetheart.” He inhaled against her pulse point, lips pressing into her there. He felt the gasp of her breath, the way her skin pricked with chill bumps. He smirked to himself, he’s found her spot. And he filed that away, committing it to memory.
“I like this…” he practically purred as he toyed with the straps to the bra, a long, thick middle finger outlining the strap against her skin, lips following pursuit.
“You should, you chose it.”
He chuckled, ignoring the snark behind her words. “Like I chose you, huh?”
Like I chose you.
His words echoed around your head, reminding you exactly why you were in this fucking situation. Because he had decided you would be. He wanted you, and just like with everything else in his life that Hugh Ransom Drysdale wanted, he simply took. But what worried you the most about all this was whether or not you would be discarded the same way he no doubt discarded the other possessions he lost interest in.
You took a deep, steadying breath as his hands moved from the straps of your bra, long fingers moving to caress the back of your neck, but there was no grabbing, no force. He was being positively gentle.
And it scared the crap out of you.
“Are you afraid of me?” He asked, his breath hot and wet in your ear as you trembled under the further graze of his fingers against the macramé of your set.
“You know I am," you swallowed nervously. You weren't new to this, this wasn't your first time, but the way he was being soft, a stark character change to his a-typical stance with you was what had you crawling in fear in the inside. Was it a game? Was it some sort of ploy? Was this his idea of foreplay now before he turned it up and went hard enough to bruise but not hard enough to make you cry?
A flat palm ran down your abdomen, already taught in fear. But not before a thumb grazed along the underside of your breast. Agonizingly slow, his hand, still splayed over you, dips into your matching macrame panties, dipping into your wet folds, thumb lightly pressing against your clit.
“You’re so wet, considering you’re scared.”
You didn't answer, just swallowed hard, the lump stuck in your throat as it fought against a little whimper.
His mouth once more latched onto your neck, the kisses gentle as opposed to the bruising ones you had become accustomed to. The fingers in your folds matched his slow nature, teasing you in such a way that when you closed your eyes and focussed your mind elsewhere, you could almost believe you were somewhere with a man you’d given permission to touch you in such away. But when his lips moved to your jawline and you took a deep breath, the heady scent of his cologne hit your senses and your eyes flew open as you were reminded just whose lips and hands were violating you in such away.
You swallowed as Ransom pulled away, his hand gently grasping your chin once more as he issued a simple instruction.
“Strip for me, sweetheart.”
You took a deep breath, swallowing down the bile that had once more risen up your throat as he sat down on the edge of the bed, his legs bent, hands resting on his knees as he watched you the way a lion watched its prey. You undid the clasp on your bra, your eyes remaining locked on his as you slid the straps down your shoulders and dropped the garment to the floor. Your captor took a deep breath, his eyes flicking down your body as you moved to shed the bottom half, wondering what on earth had been the point of wearing it in the first place. But even as you asked yourself that, you already knew the answer. It was a bout power, another way for him to remind you just who you belonged to now. How he could strip you bare in more way than one without even lifting a finger.
But lift a finger he did, curling it in mid-air as he beckoned you towards him. You took careful steps over the floor until you were stood in between his legs. His large hands smoothed up the outside of your thighs, before he pulled you towards him, his nose brushing the skin of your abdomen as he took a deep breath, fingers curling round your thighs.
And then, in a flash he stood, taking you with him, and before you could so much as utter a squeak or noise of surprise he had you naked, laying across the bed, the sheets cold against your skin, a contrast to the heat emanating from the body against yours. The look in his lust blown eyes was overwhelming. You didn't know what you were in for but as his body, still clothed in the frayed maroon sweater and wool slacks sunk into the mattress between your legs, you felt a chill course through your veins, your skin, again, pricking in bumps all over. His hands, with their thick fingers, trailed long lines up and down your thighs, Ransom's full lips kissing at your sensitive inner skin, a nip or two here and there as he went from your knee, upward.
He could smell your arousal, see it glistening as it dripped from your core. "Someone's ready," he quipped. He watched you swallow hard, a literal lump in your throat bobbing the skin. Your eyes never left him. "No cumming until I tell you. Do you understand?" When you didn't answer immediately, he swiped his tongue over your wet lips, tasting the honey your body gave him, your back arching away from sheets. "Do you understand?"
And there it was, your punishment finally arriving from your little moment before over dinner. As you still had your wits about you, you uttered a single word response, in the hope that the more submissive you were, the more accepting you were of your chastisement, the less hard on you he was going to be.
"Yes."
His mouth expertly devoured every inch of you, from your inner and outer pussy lips to the depths of your walls, tongue fucking you like you he was starving, the lavish holiday meal he'd partaken in not filling enough. His thumb pressed against your engorged nub, causing you to writhe but a firm arm over your abdomen kept you in place. The same thick fingers that traced lines up your thighs, two were now buried deep inside you, his tongue working away any juices that seeped out. As he gave you a third, stretching you more, you felt your walls start to tighten, that burning coil in your belly flare and your hands gripped the sheets tighter.
Ransom could clearly feel you flutter against his fingers as he stopped his assault and looked up at you.
"What did I say?"
Your chest heaved, your stomach taught and you fought to obey. When you managed to calm yourself, he began again, almost from square one, slowly, tantalizingly slow.
The action was torture and you were desperately willing yourself to remain grounded as again your body fought to ride over the edge building inside you. When his mouth was over you completely, tongue deep, thumb pressing again into your clit, you felt the urge to cum. But he pulled away, slowly, his thumb stopping the pressure, his tongue slowly dragging out of you.
"I said no. This is your punishment for your smart mouth over dinner."
"Please, I need to, I'll... I'll make it worth your while, please just let me." Your voice sounded alien as you spoke, the words leaving your mouth in the desperate hope he’d take pity on you but to no avail. Your attempts at bartering served only to frustrate him, anger him even and he Ransom backed away, roughly pulling you to the edge of the bed before stripping out of his sweater and undershirt, the undeniable outline of his hard cock along his thigh strained against his wool slacks.
Harsh in his grip, he repositioned himself between your legs, your thighs across his shoulders, ass dangling above the floor as a heavy arm kept you still. His flat tongue, hot and full of your sex was eating away at you while his final throws of resolve ate away at him.
“I’m done playing fucking games.” he growled against your aching cunt “I should have gagged you, stuffed my cock deep into the back of your throat, something, anything to shut you up.”
You barely had time to register his words before once more you were flat out against the mattress, trying to regain your breath and calm yourself down when he backed away, tore open his flies and smirked down at you.
"Oh no, Sweetheart, we're not done yet." He kneeled beside you, his chest heaving, hair completely out of place, anger and wait, was that pain, flickering in his eyes as he stuffed you with a hard thrust of his length. "Now you’re gonna cum on this dick."
He thrusted hard and within a few slams of his hips against yours, he allowed you the release you were begging for, "that's right, Princess, cum on my cock."
You wept at the feeling finally freeing you, cries of pleasure spilling from your lips as you squeezed around him. Your chest heaving against his, skin to skin. The fabric of his wool pants hot and itchy against your inner thighs. He was still thrusting but now it had slowed to a roll, slow and calculated. Your muddled mind was buzzing and rapidly trying to sort out if he'd cum inside you or if he wasn't finished. His features were softer, but still filled with purpose and his lips latched onto a naked breast causing your body to react, tingles and flames licking at your core again. His eyes looked up at yours as he caged you in, still buried deep inside you, hips rolling.
"I said we weren't done," he rasped. His thrusts and rolls, the two very different tactics mixing now, made the swell of his cock inside you abhorrently pleasurable. Try as you might, it was impossible to feel otherwise.
And Ransom was finding it equally as hard to hold on. His weight was evenly distributed over her, his cock swelling inside her heat. It took all he had not to blow his load the first time he made her cum, hearing the sinful sounds of her orgasm that felt like a volcanic eruption around his hard shaft. But now he could feel her again, tiny little pulses around his already overtly sensitive dick. He was sure his precum was leaking out, wanting to paint the way for the rest of him to follow. He rolled and thrust as his lips nipped at her neck. She moaned loudly, her body exuding lust. He could feel her shake beneath him and to his delight and surprise her eyes were no longer screwed shut and turned away. Instead they were locked on his. The moment those deep hued orbs met his, he felt a hitch in his breath and tightness in his chest that travelled through his belly and into his cock, causing the thick member to throb inside her. Tiny, soft hands gripped at his biceps, her touch a fiery scald against his skin, almost as if it were frost bite. Her touch equally shocking as her stare and he gave a roll of his hips to hide what he felt. A deep, satiated roll of his hips that sent her over the edge.
"Hugh!" She came around him, harder than her first, crying out his given name. It snapped him from his moment of revelation, driving him insanely frustrated at the word leaving her lips. He slammed into her as she rode out her orgasm, chasing his own.
You felt the dismissal of his body as he violently pulled free from your walls, spewing his hot seed over your abdomen, drops claiming your tits too. He nearly collapsed, his dick in hand, the other holding himself up against the mattress between your legs.
He left you there, dirty, degraded and shut the door with a barked instruction for you to clean yourself up. You no longer cried in front of him, either before, during or after. There was no point. He didn’t care about how you felt, but the thing he DID seem to care about was the fact that you still refused to call him Ransom.
It was the one thing you held on to, the only thing that gave you an inch of control in this entire fucked up situation. You hadn’t missed the look on his face when you’d cried out 'Hugh' in the throes of your last orgasm. Before that moment there had been a softness in his eyes, one that had unnerved you no end, along with something that had looked suspiciously like hope. But when his given name had tumbled involuntarily from your mouth and not the one he preferred that softness had turned to contempt and you didn't miss the undercurrent of disappointment either.
And seeing that, knowing that it pissed him off and dare you say it, upset him so much was your single, albeit feeble, act of rebellion that served as a desperate boost to your ever waning inner strength. *****
Ransom laid in his large, plush bed, hands behind his head as the silk sheets pooled at his waist as morning was in full swing outside. His thoughts strayed to his girl in the basement and he took a deep breath, shifting slightly as he remembered the way her fingers had felt as they’d curled around his biceps, her touch firey but cold. That had been the first time she’d touched him when she wasn’t trying to push him away, it had been involuntary, he knew that, a reaction to the way she’d been feeling, the way he had made her feel.
A twitch resounded deep in his belly....the way he made her feel.
He realised now that he’d been going about this the entirely wrong way. The force had been necessary to make her comply at first, but last night she hadn’t just complied she’d participated, just what he had wanted all along. And all after he’d shown her a little leeway, brought her dinner, entertained her talk. He understood now that he needed to play a different card from his hand. She responded better to conversation, talking. Ransom hated fucking talking, he was more cerebral, calculating. Conversation means connecting, and connecting was something he wasn’t particularly interested in normally. He needed to lead, to be in charge, but it was clearly what she knew and thrived on, so he had to swallow his apprehension down to play the long game, to get what he wanted.
Now he understood that, it was going to be so fucking easy. All he had to do was to seemingly show her compassion, a little give so he could take so to speak. He rolled his head, cracking his neck as he remembered what she said about cooking with her mom so he decided that after her stellar performance last night, today she’d earned a bigger reward than a book or some journal. He was going to show her what she could have if she just gave in and admitted what he knew she truly wanted. A large house, a garden, a pool, a hot tub, silk sheets, a large bed, and a man to fuck her every way to heaven and back. He could give her everything that any woman could possibly desire, and then some.
With a twitch of a smirk across his lips, Ransom pulled his naked frame out of bed and slipped into joggers, a soft waffle knit thermal long sleeve pulled over his tousled hair. He felt like company for breakfast and he knew exactly to invite up.
His bare feet padded with purpose over the plush carpet of his room, down the stairs and onto the first floor, over the hard wood and marble tile of the halls and entry, down the plush carpeted spiral staircase down to the basement.
He reached the door and gently turned the locks, quietly pushing the door open as he turned the knob. It opened quietly and his eyes fell upon the empty bed. He frowned slightly, wondering where she was. Then his eyes found her, sitting curled up with her eyes cast upward, that little tease of a porthole window in her focus. She'd turned her chair around so she could see it more clearly, the throw blanket he'd tossed at her the week before was wrapped around her body. He didn't know the time, but it wasn't early nor was it afternoon. Not that it mattered, neither had anywhere else to be.
"Good morning," he said lowly. He watched as her eyes slowly moved away from the only bit of outside world she'd seen for weeks now.
"Morning," she replied quietly, her eyes locking onto his. "I err, I was just..." she trailed off. "Actually, I don't know what I was doing to be honest."
He stalked up to the chair, kneeling in front her. His hand reached up and cupped her cheek, his thumb running over her cheek bone. "You were such a good girl last night. Took me so well, teased me with that little number you had on. I've thought about you all morning."
Ransom watched her throat bob as she swallowed before licking her lips and biting the inside corner of her lip. Such an innocent gesture that had him half hard straight away.
"I want to give you something. But you have to be good, or it goes away," he started. "Can you be good, Sweetheart?"
She nodded, slightly. "Okay," he smirked. "Now, fix the chair and come up to make us breakfast."
Ransom stood back, allowing you some space to accommodate his request. You slipped the throw blanket from your shoulders and left it in the chair as you rearranged the piece back to its normal state. You met him at the doorway. You didn't miss the way his eyes moved over you, the way they lit up in a way at as he looked at the silken material covering your body. The dark teal silk and lace cami set was just one of a handful of options he'd provided for you. All the same, different colors, all in your size.
You hesitated for a second, not sure if this was another one of his little games but he simply met your eyes with his own and nodded up the stairs. With tentative, shaky steps you climbed them, sensing him close behind you as for the first time in weeks you left your prison. You felt anxious, highly on edge and nervous. What was awaiting you? There was the sickening feeling in your stomach of excitement too, you hadn’t seen the outside since Halloween. You paused at the top of the stairs in the hall. The kitchen was directly across from you, the entry to your right. The door to the basement clicked shut and you felt Ransom’s firm chest behind your back as his form invaded your space. He dragged a finger down your arm causing the strap of your top to fall away, placing a soft kiss on your shoulder.
"Straight ahead, Sweetheart."
“Okay,” you whispered before you slowly made your way through to the large, airy kitchen. You stood looking around, taking in the fancy appliances before you turned back to Ransom. "Did you have something in mind?”
"Well..." Ransom leaned in the doorway, watching you as you stood in the middle of the tiled floor "Yesterday wasn't the first time you said you enjoyed to cook so I thought you might like to." His eyes flicked once more down your frame and back up again before he nodded his head towards the rear of the room. “Anything you need is in the pantry and fridge.”
“And I can make anything I want?” You blinked, not quite able to believe what he was allowing you to do. It was fucked up that you were even considering this as a reward but, you’d take it. Boy would you take it, anything to grasp some sense of normality in this day-by-day hell you were living.
“Sure.” Ransom popped a shoulder again and you took a deep breath before you turned and headed to the sink to wash your hands before sorting out your menu and you froze. The outside landscape had stopped you cold. From what you could see of the back garden the property was secluded, not over looked. A lawn extended a fair distance back from the rear of the house, a neat decking area stood to the right which sported a hot tub and a little further down there looked to be a pool of some kind which was covered over for the season. Trees hung over the bottom of the garden lining the high wooden fence, what few leaves they still sported were shades of crimson, gold and brown and the river traced it’s banks as it curved around the side and back of the house, the sun shining off the surface, giving it the impression it was made of sapphires. It was breathtakingly beautiful and you felt your heart shatter, your eyes well and you couldn't help but hold back the urge to weep as your chest contracted painfully. You were so close to the outside, separated only by a pane of glass, yet it had never felt further away.
His voice broke you from your despair and you swallowed back the sob that choked your throat as you flicked your attention to the left, Ransom's reflection drawing closer towards you as he crossed the terracotta tiled floor.
"Everything alright?"
You cleared your throat and gave a quick shake of your head, "Fine."
Again you felt him in your space. His presence consuming. “You sure?”
Sure? No you weren’t sure. Because none of this was fine, in fact it was as far from fine as it could possibly get. In that moment you wanted nothing more than to spin round and hammer your fists into any part of his body you could hit but you knew that it wouldn't get you anywhere, bar back in the basement likely shackled naked to the bed so you instead turned slowly to find yourself caged in by his broad frame so close to yours. You cast your eyes downward, uncomfortable at his searching stare, "Yeah, I’m sure.”
Your tongue flicked nervously over your lips as you continued to avoid his gaze before you cleared your throat “How do you like your eggs? Or would you prefer an omelette? Pancakes even?" The urge to move away from him pulled you away from your idea of a menu. Brunch basics were flooding your brain and you rattled off a few nervously. He may have said you could make whatever you wanted, but right now, you had no clue. Seeing a different space, the outside world and breathing new air had rattled you.
“You choose.” Ransom spoke softly, his hand reaching up to brush your hair off your face before he tipped your chin up so your eyes met his. He looked at you, and you swallowed as for the first time there was something unreadable on his face. His eyes were looking at you in a way they’d never looked at you before, with a softness you’d never have anticipated he could possess.
"Waffles." You suddenly blurted out, desperate to escape his gaze "I err, do you have a waffle iron?”
“No.” He deadpanned.
"Oh," you swallowed "Erm, then in that case French toast...maybe? Is that ok?"
“Sounds delicious.” He said, his hand dropping from your face, “Sure it’ll taste almost as good as you.”
“Great. How about with fresh Chantilly cream and berries if you have them?” You asked, completely ignoring his blatant back handed compliment and you started familiarizing yourself with the space as you glanced around.
“Like I said, whatever you want, Sweetheart.” He shrugged, and with that he stepped back to allow you to move away.
Ransom watched her move around the luxurious kitchen, looking through the pantry and cabinet near the stove taking out cinnamon and vanilla, plucking items like bread, butter, eggs, berries and cream from the fridge. Searching drawers for utensils and measuring cups and spoons. Finding a pan and bowl from a bottom cabinet. Measuring sugar from the glass jar on the counter. He hoped the ingredients were still fresh, he wasn't exactly sure how long they'd been stored. She moved like she belonged there, he thought to himself. So sexy looking in her nightwear, bare feet on the tile, her ass and breasts moving underneath the silk as she stretched and worked.
"Coffee?" He offered, as he moved from one side to the other. He made sure his exquisite espresso machine was ready as it sat in all its glory on its own portion of the counter like a batista station inside Starbucks.
He didn't miss the way she watched him move around her, preparing the coffee and grabbing the orange juice from the fridge. He reached over her shoulder, his body brushing against hers as he opened the cupboard where he kept the glasses and mugs. He peered down at her, giving a twitch to the corner of his mouth. A smirk indeed. He noted the way her eyes followed him as he poured the juice, like he was going to poison her or something.
"It's just juice, Sweetheart," he said nonchalantly and put the juice back in the fridge. He set the breakfast table for them and took a seat in his place, a now hot cup of coffee in his hand, hers sitting on the counter next to her.
It wasn’t long before she had finished and brought the plates to the table, sitting down timidly in the seat to his right as he gestured to it, stopping her dead as she was about to make her way around to the opposite side.
It was quiet, the only sounds heard for a while were the click and scrape of forks and knives cutting away at the plates of food. Ransom wouldn't admit it out loud, but this was the best French toast he'd ever had in his life. Something about it, the way it was not soggy, but perfectly moist, the edges just crispy. The way the cream made for no syrup and the sweet berries added the final element. He watched her pick at the food for a moment or two as he glanced over at her and saw a small bit of Chantilly in the corner of her mouth.
A long arm reached across the table and automatically she flinched a little, as if she was going to pull away but one firm stare stopped her in her tracks. His thick thumb padded away the white, sweet cream and he brought the same thumb to his lips, sucking the cream away. He lifted his brows in a teasing manner and twitched up his lips, "Delicious. Like I said, almost as good as you, Sweetheart."
"Thanks, I think," she paused.
"Trust me, I know."
The comment seemingly threw her off her meal and it didn't get past Ransom. She had started picking at it, moving it around the plate like she had done with her dinner the night before. He, on the other hand, was near finished.
"Are you still not hungry?" He inquired.
She shook her head, "I just made my portion too big. I overestimated my appetite, I guess."
"Huh," he placated her reply. He knew she was lying but he let it slide, realizing that seeing a new space, the window to the outside was overwhelming. So, he thought he'd sweeten the deal. "I thought maybe you'd like to see the house," he offered, watching as her big eyes locked onto his and she took a deep breath.
"That sounds nice, thank you."
"Good, after breakfast then." He nodded affirmingly, as if it were drying ink in his mind. He picked up his coffee and finished it off, his plate already clear.
She stood from the table, collecting his plate with her own and headed for the sink. He turned in his chair, stalking her, watching her every move. The way she pitched over the sink, bending her frame over the dishwasher to load it as she cleaned up the kitchen.
With each bend and snap of her hips, he felt his mouth water more. Her little silk cami riding up as she moved, her breasts falling in and out of a fuller view. When she tucked a stray hair behind her ear, he was on her. He moved behind her, his hands grabbed her hips as she spun around completely startled giving a gasp and a quick yelp.
"Easy, Sweetheart," he chuckled as she looked at him, her eyes wide.
"Sorry... you, err...you startled me." She whispered as he moved his hands so they gripped at the side of the kitchen counter on either side of her, caging her in with his body.
"Some women would like that," he quipped, arching an eyebrow a little and watched as she swallowed hard and cast her eyes downward. Moving one hand slowly up her arm, over her shoulder and around her neck, he tipped her head back up so those large, Bambi eyes locked onto his.
His hand adjusted, gripping her chin softly as he moved closer still, dipping his head he pressed a firm kiss to her lips. He felt her go rigid, her chest spiking as she drew in a sharp breath, her body shaking slightly in his hold. "Stop fighting it..." he whispered against her mouth before he kissed her again. This time, his tongue traced the line of her upper lip, the feel of it soft and soothing.
You felt his tongue line your lip and you couldn't hold the whimper of fear that passed through you. He’d never kissed you before, not on the mouth anyway. You felt him deepen his kiss, his big hand cupping your face, pulling you into it more. Your mind went elsewhere, imagining anyone but him kissing you like this. You couldn't deny it, this intimate moment, completely lost on both of you for different reasons, felt good and he was good at it. He was damn good at it in fact, and that alone made you want to vomit your breakfast into his throat. At that, you jerked back, panting a little, feeling your lips swollen from the way he'd sucked your bottom one between his, pulling at it just the right way. You hated the feeling between your legs that it had evoked, your body betraying you just like it always did.
In an attempt to stave off the conflicting emotions spiking within you, you focussed on his face, the face you hated and to your surprise he looked dazed. The usual stoic expression that clouded his features had been replaced with something akin to surprise but no sooner had you noticed it, it was gone.
"Clean up and I'll meet you in the study." He told you, his voice a deep almost pained whisper.
"But I don't..." you started but were quickly cut off.
"You're a smart girl, figure it out," he smirked and slipped away.
You were tempted to follow, just so you'd see where he was going but you knew not to defy a command. The feeling of unease seemed to disappear as you slumped your shoulders and instead defeat filled your frame. A trembling hand came to your lips as jittery fingertips touched your swollen skin. Your bottom lip quivered like a ripple in a river and you quickly covered your mouth, turning on a dime as your French toast littered the sink. If the water hadn't been running already, Ransom would no doubt have heard you retching. You rinsed your mouth out to attempt at hiding that vomit taste from your tongue and quickly finished your task of cleaning up the kitchen, salty tears dripping from your chin, mixing with the soapy water.
When you could stall no longer, you sighed and headed out into the large hallway, taking a quick look around. It was light, airy, the grand staircase swept in and curved round to the next floor and your eyes lingered on the heavy wooden door just beyond it. You hesitated, and then with a dejected sigh realised there was no point even trying to escape. Even if it was unlocked, which you doubted, the threat to your family was just too much for you to risk. Instead, you decided to head down the corridor to your right and found yourself in a large open plan living room of sorts. It was decorated in clean whites and crisp greys with a huge feature stone open fireplace and sported a bar at the back. A brown leather sofa and two matching arm chairs were strategically placed around an expensive looking coffee table but you didn’t bother to look at the rest, this wasn’t the room you needed so you turned back on yourself, walked back into the hall and took the turning to your left.
This time you found yourself walking into what you could only assume was his study-come-den of sorts. It was huge, and once again sported a sofa pushed up against the wall, looking out over the spectacular view of not only the garden but the river too. But that wasn’t what caught your attention, nor was it the walnut desk and laptop that sat upon it. It was the floor to ceiling bookshelf behind it. Your mouth dropped open as you made your way towards it but then you stopped, biting your lip. Were you supposed to be looking at them? But, he had said to meet you in here. And left you to find your own way. Surely, if he didn’t want you looking around he wouldn’t have left you to it.
Throwing caution to the wind you strode forward, your pace hurried this time and your eyes quickly scanned across some of the books. You couldn’t help but feel shocked. Whilst there was a huge collection of his Grandfather’s books, and a number of other crime novels of types, it was the colourful spines to your right that made your chest heave in delight. The entire Harry Potter collection. With a shaky hand you reached for The Philosopher’s Stone, noting the British version of the title, and opened the front page giving another gasp as you read the publishing details.
This was a first edition. And from the date you also knew it would be one that contained the misprint errors. And as such, would be worth a small fortune.
“See something you like?” that familiar voice hit your ears and you gave a little shriek, jumping around, clutching the book to your chest to avoid dropping it.
“I’m sorry.” You hastily began to apologise “I was just…erm…”
“It’s ok.” He assured you, crossing towards you. Once more he encroached into your personal space and you felt the blades of your shoulders press into the shelf behind you. “Harry Potter fan?”
“Yeah.” You nodded, “Didn’t think they’d be your type of thing.
“They’re not really.” He shrugged “I’m a collector. Everything on the shelves, well they’re all first or limited editions, so worth a lot.”
“Figures.” You mumbled, turning round and slotting the book back into the space it had come from. As you did you felt him push up behind you, his hands on your hips, the unmistakable feel of his hard on dug into the lower part of your back and you fought to stop yourself shuddering. He was after pay-back for allowing you to leave your prison.
“Did you like the house?” he asked, brushing your hair off your neck.
“Yes.” You answered politely, your voice catching a little as he placed a kiss to the crook of your shoulder.
“You know, it could all be yours sweetheart if you just stopped fighting what you know you want” His kisses continued up your neck as his words whirled around your brain and you were back to where you had been in the kitchen. It felt good. And that disgusted you.
“Did you enjoy making breakfast?” he whispered, his lips by your ear.
“Yeah.” You nodded, your voice barely there.
“Show me how much.” His teeth nipped at your lobe, his hips grinding forward and you swallowed and closed your eyes. You knew what he wanted but as you turned to face him you had an idea. One which would save you being fucked no doubt over the desk or on the hard looking couch.
With a lick of your lips you looked at him and sank slowly to your knees, taking his sweats with you. His hard cock sprang free, slapping his lower abs and you reached out, grasping it in your hand.
“Fuck, yeah baby…” Ransom hissed as you moved your head forwards and took him in your mouth.
You pulled out all the moves, you took him as deep as you could, gagging a little as he wasn’t a small man. You kept your hand firmly on the base of his cock, you hollowed your lips, you swirled your tongue around his shaft and he let out a little groan his hand fisting in your hair as his hips bucked forwards.
“Jesus, I knew your mouth was smart but…” he panted, looking down at you. You raised your eyes to look at his as he bit his lip, his entire face contorted in pleasure…
Pleasure that was ruined by the sound of the doorbell.
“What the fuck…” Ransom growled out, un-fisting his hand from her hair. “Who the fuck is that?”
He glanced down at her and she looked up at him, wide eyed. She was a mess, swollen lips, wet chin and dressed in nothing but her skimpy tank and shorts. With a frustrated growl, Ransom pulled his dick out of her mouth and grabbed his phone from the table to check the doorbell camera. His face blanched as he saw who it was.
“I don’t fucking believe it…” he mumbled, as she looked up at him.
“Who is it?” She asked, wiping her face, “I’m not exactly dressed for visitors, Hugh.”
Ransom might have been pre-occupied with the familiar face staring at him from his phone, but he still picked up on that 'Hugh' and he glared down at her. “No shit, and because we have a visitor, I'm gonna let that one slide. Get up.” She rose to her feet, blinking a little as he pulled off the thermal he was wearing and tossed it to her. “Put that on. No one gets to see you in silk but me.”
She blinked as she caught it, confusion spreading across her face. “Don’t you just want me to go-“
In a flash, he grabbed her chin between his thumb and finger and she winced, “If I wanted you downstairs I’d have said. So put the damn shirt on, and when he starts asking questions just remember what I said I could do to your family and friends.”
In complete complacency, he watched her slip his thermal over her head, her fingers barely peeking through the sleeves to fix her dishevelled hair. The material hit her mid-thigh and his eyes brows gave a flicker of approval before he walked to the entry and opened the door. "What do you want?"
"Pleasure to see you too, Mr. Drysdale..." that infuriating Southern drawl hit Ransom's ears with all the finesse of a cheese-grater. Benoit Blanc, without so much as a gesture of request, pushed past Ransom as he strode inside, stopping in the tiled entry, looking around.
"Do you have a warrant?" The man of the house snipped in his usual spiteful tone.
Blanc still didn’t reply, and Ransom rolled his eyes following him as he wandered down the hallway, stopping at the open door to the study. "Well, if it isn't the lady of the hour."
Ransom stood behind Blanc, an infuriatingly warning glare sent his girl's way. He noted the way she was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked underneath her, lips still swollen, cheeks flushed, hair tousled. She looked like a sex kitten, and maybe that was the idea. He warned her to sell it after all…
"Excuse me?” Y/N looked up at the two men in the doorway.
Blanc stepped inside the room, taking a seat on the edge of the same couch where she sat. "I've been looking for you, young lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know Miss Y/L/N.”
“I errr…” she swallowed a little as she slowly got to her feet, her hands pulling the hem of the thermal down before she folded her arms across her chest, not in a defiant manner, but almost as if she was hugging herself “Did someone send you or…”
“No, nothing like that. You see, I heard you'd gone missing, and I knew you had a work connection to Mr. Drysdale, that, shall we say didn't go quite as planned. So when things started adding up, I thought to ask the man himself."
“Well, congratulations, this is one mystery you actually solved correctly, Sherlock. As you can see she’s here and she’s fine, and we were in the middle of something, so if you don’t mind….” Ransom folded his arms, his eyes moving from hers to Blanc, who was irritatingly completely ignoring him, his gaze focussed intently on the woman who stood in front of him.
Ransom could see him take her in fully, now seeing the situation he may have just walked in on. She looked dishevelled and was missing crucial parts of her clothing, but she had no tears in her eyes, no markings looking to be of abuse or out of the ordinary. None that were visible anyway. Blanc’s gaze then dragged over to Ransom who was bare foot in joggers and still half aroused, which he did nothing to hide as he folded his arms over his naked chest.
Ransom held Blanc’s gaze, his chin jutting out defiantly, the detective only looking away when the lady of the hour spoke, her voice quiet, as she gave a small nod. "He’s right, I’m fine."
"Then why not tell your family where you are?”
“I err…” Y/N’s right hand gripped he cuff of the sweater sleeve tightly, “I just, well, I…”
Ransom could see that she was losing it and he knew he had to intervene. He walked over to her and placed an arm around her, kissing the top of her head lightly, "It's alright, Sweetheart. I know how he can be frustrating. We're doing nothing wrong."
With that he turned his gaze to the man in front of him, not even trying to hide the sneer of contempt that was crossing his face “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you Blanc.”
“Well, maybe Miss Y/L/N has some crayons hidden up her sleeve so to speak.” Blanc smiled innocently and Ransom felt the anger floor his system.
“You’re starting to really piss me off.” he snarled, “You barge into my home, without so much of an explanation…” his rant was stopped dead as Y/N placed her hand on his chest, palm splaying over his bare skin. Ransom swallowed at the touch of her fingers against his skin, firey hot just as they had been last night when they curled around his arms.
"Hey," she spoke and he looked down to see her giving him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes but one that should be enough to convince the dumbass detective who was watching them. "It's okay." She then turned to Blanc as he held his hand up, palm open, speaking to Ransom.
“I’m not trying to be frustrating Mr. Drysdale, I'm merely enquiring after Miss Y/L/N’s wellbeing."
"I'm not here under duress if that's what you're thinking.” She spoke, clearing her throat. “Hu… Ra, we have had to keep our relationship private,” she stumbled on the right identity, settling for 'we'. Clearing her throat again and settling her nerves, she continued, "Mr. Blanc, as you well know, I'm reporter and his background has been less than stellar as of late. It no doubt would not look good for either of us if it had come to light. My reputation as a journalist would have been in tatters.”
“Well, lies and deception certainly go hand in hand when it comes to Mr. Drysdale...”
Ransom rolled his eyes dramatically “Change the record, Blanc. The static is a little loud.”
Blanc completely ignored him, his attention still on her. “So you caused all this worry, because of some…” he waved his hand in front of him, gesturing between the pair of them.
Ransom’s arm curled round her even tighter, his fingers pressing into her hip and he felt her stiffen a little before she relaxed into his side and gave a small nod.
"Like I said, it wouldn’t have gone down well with my family, or my career.”
“Ahh, yes, your job, which you quit.” Blanc looked at her. “Yes, I spoke to your boss.” He answered her unasked question. “Why would you be so worried for your reputation as a journalist, if you’re not actually a journalist anymore?”
At that she took a deep breath “I quit the paper because my boss is an asshole. His antics on Halloween were a step too far. But that doesn’t mean I have no intentions of working ever again. I'm currently taking a long overdue sabbatical.”
Blanc studied her again, almost as if he was weighing something up and she once more began to fidget and Ransom decided he’d had enough.
"Okay, I’m done being polite,” Ransom moved his arm from around his girl and stepped towards Blanc, placing himself directly between the detective and the woman. “You've interrupted out little post brunch love affair and I’m horny, so…do you need help finding the door, or can your super sleuth skills figure the way back out of it on their own?”
“Miss Y/L/N?” Blanc spoke, his eyes locked onto Ransom’s. Ransom felt the nerve in his jaw twitch, the fact that Blanc wasn’t scared of him irritated him no end.
There was a pause and then her voice came clearly from behind him as she spoke, “If you'd be so kind as to not tell my family where I am, I'd appreciate it. I prefer this time without their unwanted opinion.” Her voice was steady, measured almost. “You can tell them that you've found me, alive and well."
Blanc knew he wasn't welcome, he had proof of life and no reason to suspect foul play. He stood, his long wool coat falling into place around him. "Well, then I guess my work is done." He brushed passed Ransom and gave a quick quip, "I'm warning you...."
"What was that?" His girl wondered. She'd heard him.
"Have a nice day," Blanc nodded curtly “I’ll see myself out.”
You watched the back of the detective as he left the large living room, Ransom following him to the doorway where he stood, arms folded, watching. The sound of Blanc’s feet on the tiles of the hallway grew fainter and fainter until eventually they stopped completely. The latch of the door sounded and you fell to the closest thing you could sit on. Your while body shook with a chill that crept into your bones but not from the cold. No, you were sick to your stomach in fear and worry. The bile of deceit rose to your throat and had you not already spewed up your breakfast it would have most likely decorated the carpet of the study. Instead, you swallowed down the sour bile as Drysdale approached you and you glanced up at him, blinking whilst he studied you for a second, his face passive. As you held his gaze, something akin to amusement flashed in his cold blue eyes and a twisted smirk spread across his face.
“Your acting skills certainly improved there along the way, at the end you were almost award worthy.” He drawled, his hands falling to his hips. “Even Meryl Streep would be jealous.”
"Fuck you," your voice quivered.
He arched an eyebrow, an amused expression on his features “Already played that game Sweetheart, and carry on back-chatting me and you’ll be back in the basement.”
"Wh... What?"
"You pulled through in the end there. It was a rough start, but you convinced Colonel Sanders that you were here on your own."
“Colonel Sanders?” You blinked, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Blanc. CSI KFC.” He replied. You were none the wiser as to what he was going on about and it must have shown on your face as he simply rolled his eyes. "Never mind...the point is, sweetheart, I'm in a good mood. And seeing as you behaved...”
"What?" Your voice was quiet, meek.
"If you shut that pretty little mouth for longer than a second, I'll explain." His tone was measured but you didn’t miss the underlying threat.
“Sorry.” Your eyes fell to the floor, your left hand worrying at your right.
“Eyes on me.” He barked and your head whipped up automatically and he smirked at you as you took a deep breath. “As I was saying, seeing as you were such a good girl, I thought I’d reward you, let you stay up here with me for the day.”
The notion shocked you. Your mouth went dry and you couldn't make sense of it. But then, the more you thought about it, the more his audacity irked you. He’d imprisoned you, used you, abused you…and now he was implying that staying in his company was a fucking reward.
“Wow, thanks…” you blurted before you could stop yourself, sarcasm lacing your tone. As soon as the words had slipped from your mouth you felt panic flood your system as he stepped towards you and reached out, his right hand curling around your throat.
"Don’t push me sweetheart.” His voice was low as his fingers squeezed the column of your neck, a reminder of how easily he could simply end it all whenever he chose.
And just like that the softness that he had displayed with you earlier that morning was gone, and the shutters were back up. You swallowed hard, feeling the strain of your throat against his touch, his eyes now dark and full of that familiar angry lust and desire that chilled you from head to toe. Blanc had riled him, gotten underneath his skin, that was easy to see while your mouthy comments fuelled that ire. And as such, he needed an escape, an outlet.
And he was going to get it from you.
“Now on your knees and finish what you started."
#murder he wrote#ransom drysdale x reader#dark ransom drysdale x reader#dark ransom drysdale#chris evans#chris evans characters#reader insert#ransom drysdale smut
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𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐞
⊹ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 0.7k ⊹ 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 troubled female y/n x caring Chenle ⊹ 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 college au, cheating au, angst ⊹ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 grim journal entries, swearing, mentions of clubbing and cheating ⊹ 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 🦷 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞 Thank you @chenleyah for letting me use her gif. This was painful to write. ⊹ 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 pt. 1 | pt. 2 | disclaimer | masterlist
Dear Chenle,
So I’m doing as you told me, I’m writing out my self-destructive thoughts before I do something stupid. You’re in Shanghai visiting your family for Chinese New Year and I’m here, thousands of miles away.
Despite knowing I was going to fuck up, at the airport I told you I was fine. I sounded so certain, I almost convinced myself. But on the Uber ride back I broke down. And when I told the driver to take me to the nearest club, he told me he was given stiff instructions to see me home.
I knew you didn’t trust me. Neither do I.
You wanted me to come with you. You said that I’ll need to meet your family eventually. Chenle, your family actually cares about you. They would see right through me. Those things they effortlessly provide for you – consistency, comfort, and affection – I struggle with. I think what frightens me is that you almost convinced me to come. Please understand that I’m a home-wrecker, not your domestic girlfriend.
So here I am, sitting still on my bed on a Friday night. The itch is there...it’s always there. It’s worse when I’m alone with my thoughts.
Dear Chenle,
I met someone that makes me smile like you do. Sungchan is the same age as us and he studies the same thing as me in university. You would like him, he’s good at everything like you. Plus he’s a transfer student - he doesn’t know about my reputation either.
Everyone at uni asks me why I haven’t come to this or that party. That they’ve been hitting me up with no replies. That their favorite drinking or fuck buddy hasn’t been around. I tell them I don’t need any of it now. It makes me happy that I sound so sure of myself because I’m not.
Dear Chenle,
You facetimed me yesterday night. You cried because you couldn’t touch me through the screen. I couldn’t handle it and turned away. You asked me if I was writing in the journal you gave me and when I said yes, you asked me to read an entry to you. I couldn’t.
You talked about everything, the new silverware your Mom purchased for your homecoming, the number of times your aunties kissed you on the cheek, how you dreamed of me dancing on your first night home. My chest burned when you said my name.
You insisted on waiting until I fell asleep. I drifted off in two minutes instead of two hours. Because with you in my head, I can’t think normally.
Dear Chenle,
It’s been a week since I stopped picking up your calls. I finally cracked and I’m too much of a pussy to tell you. You had so much faith in me but I couldn’t handle myself. I needed company. Despite knowing I fucked up the one good thing in my life I haven't cried today.
Dear Chenle,
You finally left after telling me about a thousand times that it’s okay and that you understand. But I don’t understand. Why are you still trying with me? I refused to let you go further than kiss me, the last thing I need you to see is the marks Sungchan left on me.
But none of this really matters because you’re gone again. Business trips are your new normal and I’ll only see you twice a month, maybe less. I should be happy that you’ve been promoted.
It would be so easy to slip away from you.
Dear Chenle,
I think I love you. Which is why I want to run so badly. I’m afraid of you. I can’t even look you in the eye.
Get out of my head, you don’t understand me as well as you think you do. Every day I plan and scheme and decide today’s the day I tell you no. And then I pick up the phone and I’m happy. Like ridiculously so. The type of happy that I don’t notice I’m smiling and neither can you.
I hate you for making me so weak. I hate that you keep dreaming about me. And that every time you say you miss me I find myself saying it back.
Please leave me alone so I don’t have to. I’d rather break my own heart than break yours.
𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐁𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐬 click to read the series
#not me posting at 7 in the morning#in celebration of the series almost being over#neowritingsnet#holiday blues#chenle#chenle angst#chenle scenarios#nct dream drabbles#nct dream#nct angst#nct dream angst#nct dream x you#chenle x you#chenle x reader#nct dream x y/n#nct dream scenarios#zhong chenle#nct dark#nct drabble#nct drabbles#chenle drabbles#nct scenarios#chenle imagines#nct dream imagines#nct imagines#nct blurbs#nct dream blurbs#chenle blurb#Dear Chenle#twisted
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Aforementioned long ask post please excuse me while i try to figure out tumblr's new text editor. I’ll get into the art meme questions first and then the rest at the end.
Ok first of all thank you all for sending in questions! Giving me an excuse to talk hehe. I’ll address these in number order. Here’s a link to the ask meme for reference but also I’ll restate the question for ease of reading.
1. When did you get into art?
Super cliche answer but I don’t remember a time where I WASN’T the weird art kid! I started keeping a dedicated sketchbook when I was about 12? But here’s a page from my kindergarten journal about what I want to be when I grow up.
2. What art-related sites have you ever signed up for?
LOL this is a weird question. Not sure why so many people want to know. Anyways I definitely had a dA. more than one dA account. I used to browse oekakis when I was a kid but I think I was only signed up to some small ones that internet friends owned. What else...? Mangabullet,Tegakie, Paintberri, iscribble back when that was a thing, instagram if that COUNTs, I used to post art on livejournal and dreamwidth too. Patreon, I guess. Gumroad, inprnt, bigcartel, storenvy all for selling stuff.
In terms of resources.. I have a schoolism account that I’m sharing with friends. Used to take classes on coursera for free. I signed up to textures.com for work recently haha. I can’t remember if I ever had an account on posemaniacs. Did they have accounts...? I definitely used to visit all the time.
3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand.
Alright here’s me actually logging into my old deviantart account. These are from September 2008 So I was 13 years old. I don’t have a deviantart account from before then because 13 was the required age for having an account and I didn’t want to lie about my age because I wanted people to be impressed by how young yet clearly incredible at art I was LOL.
4. What defines your artistic style?
You guys are probably more equipped to answer this than me but uh... I wanna say... Focus on colors. And... a slightly heavy hand? Like confident... not always well-considered mark making HAH...
Also I think I have a pretty healthy mix of american comics/manga influences. I feel like people who are into american comics always think my art is too manga and people who are into anime/manga always think my art is too american. And I’m taking that as a good sign.
5. Do you practice other styles/have you tried other styles in the past?
I like to think I switch it up a bunch! I mean, these are pretty different, right?
I think I’ve mentioned this before but one thing I really took away from art school is that, for an illustrator at least, art style shouldn’t be consistent. Your greatest weapon is changing the aspects of your style based on the task, the emotions and message you want to illustrate etc. So depending on the project I’m working on, the fandom I’m drawing for, whether I want something to be funny or serious or dramatic, I’ll change things about my style all the time.
One thing I don’t rly post on here is really tight polished work and that’s because I do that for my day job haha. If you’re not paying me... I’m probably not gonna color in the lines.
6. What levels of artistic education have you had?
I have a whole ass diploma LOL. Bachelor of Fine Arts in Illustration. from the Rhode Island School of Design. And I had a great college experience tbh. Besides the student loans. If any of you guys are thinking about art school feel free to e-mail or message me questions or concerns, I’ll be happy to help. Be as honest as I can be.
7. Show us at least one picture you drew or sketched recently that you did not put on a public site.
heres the wandavision kids. Uhh what else do I have...I feel like I’m rummaging for loose change here...
assorted valentines prep doodles
8. What is your favourite piece that you have done?
Well, obviously this is gonna change all the time and generally it’s gonna be my most recent piece LOL. So yeah, why the hell not. I’ll say it’s this one. I have a pretty short memory which I count as a blessing for an artist. I don’t dwell that long on older work and it keeps me moving forward.
10. What do you like most about your art?
I like that it’s something that only I would make! I had this thought fairly recently and I wrote it down in my sketchbook, it’s pretty cheesy and rambling but it felt revolutionary at the time:
So yeah. I like my art best when it’s the most me and for me. And I like it least when it feels like I’m just making something for social media or for other people’s expectations or whatever.
14. What do you like drawing the most?
Kids in baggy clothing are like my go-to LOL idk if that’s obvious. but also I like being challenged so lately I’ve really loved drawing multi-character compositions, environments, weird angles, etc.
oh i LOVE drawing the underside of shoes lol. And bandages. People that are kinda beat up.. I think it comes from getting a bunch of cuts all the time. I’m always patching myself up and I want to patch characters up too.
15. What do you like drawing the least?
mmm I try to find something to like in every drawing but lets see... I don’t like doing commissions of people’s dogs. Just because it’s normally like... a family friend and my mom volunteered me without my consent and I don’t even really know what they’re expecting me to draw and I don’t even get to meet the dog. Also I’m not that great at dog anatomy. Trying to learn though.
18. What is your purpose for drawing?
This could have a million answers! Uhhh to GIT GOOD??? But also to express myself... and also to make money... I mean it depends on what the drawing IS. I draw fanart mostly to connect to people in the fandom so if you ever see me drawing fanart please take it as like an open invitation to talk to me about the character haha.
20. How would you rank your art? (poor, mediocre, good, etc.)
Good!!! I have a lot of self-confidence primarily born out of ignorance and a short attention span. If I don’t think too hard about how many other artists are mindblowingly unfathombly good... its easy to think I’m good too! LOL
In all seriousness though, I think the opinion a person has of their art is like a crazy balancing act, right? Like you have to think you suck enough to want to get better but also you have to think you’re good enough to not want to give up. I think we’re all walking that line, I know I am! But also I’m a glass half-full type of person so. Most of the time I feel good about it.
22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”
This is a good question because I’ve been trying and failing to put together one of those “influence map” memes for like a full month now. What’s giving me a hard time is I feel like none of these are actually really obvious “““influences”““ in my art? Like it’s hard to see a lot of them in the work I make...? But idk maybe you guys’ll see what I can’t.
And these are just a couple! God there’s so many more. I could talk about other artists for ages, from all different genres of art. Daumier, Rockwell like every illustrator out there, Dana Gibson, Alex Toth, Hiroshi Yoshida, a lot of the Brandywine School. Lots of current working artists too, Karl Kerschl, frikkin Masashi Kishimoto lol, Jake Wyatt, Richie Pope, Edouard Caplain, Matt Cook, Sachin Teng, - lots of big internet artists, Sophie Li, Freddy Carrasco, Milliofish, Angela Sung... like all my friends from art school too. I could just keep going but I’ll stop for now lol.
24. Do you have a shameful art past? (recolour sprite comics, tracing art, etc.)
I mean if that’s how we’re defining shameful?? sure LOL. It’s not sprite comics but I used to do pokemon sprite recolors all the time. And I used to trace manga panels and color them... Granted this was all when I was like under 12 yrs old so it’s not even embarrassing. Can you really call it shameful when a 7 year old wets the bed or whatever? Not really. In fact some of these are cool as fuck. Look
25. Draw a picture!
Man I’m so tired now but here.
I used to get a lot of compliments for drawing people smiling lol but I don’t think I’ve drawn a lot of smiling lately.. here’s proof I’ve still got it.
OK MEME DONE. onto the rest.
I read this ask first thing when i opened my computer in the morning and it made me really emotional.. I’m so glad my sketches could help you!!
I think a lot of artists on social media talk about the struggle of making art but imo not enough people talk about the joy! Like I know it’s corny but. I really meant what I said at the beginning of that sketchbook about re-contextualizing art around process and progress > product and perfection. I think its super important..! The strength of messy, unfinished, and energetic art! For the feeling of it, for the love it!
That's crazy!!! I hope you like 'em. The whole line of x-books is really good rn imo.
Hi! I totally have the answer for digital stuff on my faq lol. But in terms of drawing on paper.. it varies! I tend to use sketchbooking and any on-paper doodling I do as a way to loosen up/warm-up or experiment. But right now my go-to aresenal is:
from top > bottom
- kuretake no.55 doublesided brush pen
- tombow fudenosuke
- muji 0.38 ballpoint
- medium size poscas
- grey tombow double brush pens
- good ol bic mechanical pencil
not EXACTly sure which inking you referring to from my sketchbook but if I had to take a guess it'd probably be the kuretake no55. That's been my main inker, lately. Great for sketching with the thin end too.
You can print out and eat my art if you like. Just please don't mass produce or re-sell. <3
Thanks! I've come to accept that my art is always gonna be sort of gestural and painty naturally. It's getting it to tighten up enough to be legible that's hard lol...
uh yeah lol I agree actually. I think yolei is great.
I assume these asks are related? LOL
1) Yeah totally true. I love David.
2) I don’t take requests, sorry! But if you want to commission me to draw Legion i would be MORE than happy to. Just e-mail me at [email protected].
<33333333333333333333333333
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Please do more of the writing head canons. It’s really interesting to see other people’s ideas on the topic, so if you can be bothered, I would highly appreciate more, thanks bye <3
Y’all don’t know how happy I am to talk about these headcanons, they are my babies and I love them so much :’) thanks for asking g <3
Handwriting Headcanons
Same dynamic as before, try to guess whose handwriting it is before reading and tell me how many you got right! <3
You can find the first post here (no need to check it tho)
Quick disclaimer: halfway through making my initial notes, I remembered I had one (1) single lesson of graphology in my applied linguistics class, but that was a year ago and some information might be off. I just thought it was neat to include.
Another quick disclaimer: I don’t know much about Hylian, but I like to think it has a similar stroke system to Japanese, so the pressure and accuracy of your strokes play a major role in your handwriting (among other things, ofc.) so there are some parts where I focus more on that
(First Row, from left to right)
Sky
Our first boy is mother hen! Believe it or not, he has the prettiest handwriting out of all of them! Sky: probably has nice, even elegant handwriting because Sun forced him to practice when they were little. In the end, that paid off because his handwriting is the prettiest one. There’s no pressure, but he is confident in what he writes that his lines aren’t thin. Mistakes? what is that? this boy has impeccable grammar and spelling. No mechanic errors to be found in his letters! I’d like to think that many of Hyrule’s classic/staple poems were originally written by the firt king aka sky child. Like, imagine, after a retiring from being a Person of Power (as the first ruler), Sky finds comfort in the arts: revisits his old woodcarvings and starts writing poetry about the world he still doesn’t fully understand. wowie. tldr: sky writes poetry and you can pry it from my cold dead hands.
This is what one of his letters would look like:
Next one is the one and only, our Hero of Time
2. Time
I’ll die on the “Time didn’t know how to read and write” hill. His handwriting is simple, not pretty but not messy. It has some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. Can become unreadable if writing in a hurry, he sorts of forgets spaces between words are a thing/letters have different sizes and lowercase letters end up the same size as capital letters. I’m not saying he sometimes forgets to write articles: he just doesn’t want to. Honestly, he just has this dad-neat handwriting. He is a gentle dad and writes like a dad, if he puts too much pressure onto the paper, his handwriting become too sharp/angle-ish and ends up looking ugly. And as much as he would like to not care about it, in the end he does (:
Malon taught him how to write and it was quite the experience. At first he didn’t want to because he was ‘too old’ to learn and it was torture at first, but now look at him devouring his cowboy novels.
A chunk of his handwriting:
*sniff* such a dad quote.
3. my mansss, your 4x1 deal at Target: Four
Look, my boy is patient! He could do some nice and fancy lettering if he wanted to. He was taught that handwriting and spelling said a whole lot about him as a person, you know, like a first impression kinda thing; so he always proof reads more than twice before sending a letter. Super rare grammar mistakes.
The faster he writes, the more slant his writing becomes. Under stress/ when not sure how to write things down, run-on sentences are everywhere and his handwriting is inconsistent in general (I don’t headcanon each part of him having completely different handwriting because handwriting becomes muscle memory over time. It’s just slightly different variations of the same, like idk Vio’s handwriting is neater than Green’s and Red writes hearts instead of any dot/circle and no, I do not take constructive criticism on that, jk i do.) Adding on to each of the colours’ handwriting, I’d think Red and Green write with words slanted to the right( inclined), Vio is a mix of the opposite, so reclined and straight, and my mans blue a true neutral writes straight (kinda like Time’s).
The logic behind this is that inclined writing supposedly means honesty and need for giving (and getting) affection; reclined means, as you can probably imagine, defensiveness and repression of true feelings, but also shows great concentration; straight handwriting means self-control, observation and reflection as well as distrust and indifference. But as complete being (tm), Four just writes as in the image example which is not too straight and not too inclined, and I believe that’s a good middle for him
HOWEVER, if I’m feeling in the mood for crack, I totally accept this boy to have the ugliest, chicken scratches-looking handwriting! :’D It’s just funny to think that someone like him, who has to be precise and careful in his work, can't write neatly to save his life.
One of his letters would look like this:
Also I just LOVE how his hero titles look in this font ksksks
and that’s
(Middle row, from left to right)
4.- Mister Bunny Boy - Legend
His uncle taught him how to write. I’d call his handwriting pretty and neat at a first glance, but he presses too hard on the paper, most of the time staining the back or the following page. Sometimes will retrace some words if he doesn’t like how it looks (which only makes it messier). According to my notes, a thick or strong handwriting represents determination/commitment.
As I also headcanon him to know many languages, mechanical errors are more present than grammar ones; that is, weird capitalisation of words. Punctuation is somewhere in between; uses too many commas when he should just cut the sentence. he mixes punctuation from two languages or more in writing when too distracted (or too focused, because, well, pressure.); when he writes for himself, he has almost no problem following said language’s punctuation rules. Also, this is just polyglot culture, and I’m projecting a bit, but when he forgets a word in the language he’s writing, he just replaces it with its equivalent in another language because we don’t care about fluency, but rather functionality. in this household (more on that in my language hc, ksksks).
An example of his writing:
so powerful
4.- Mr. Wolfman, howl me a song - Twilight
I don’t have much for him because 1) I don’t think he writes a lot and 2) he is a hands-on/visual learner, I’ll die by that. He only learnt how to write because Ulli insisted it was important and he was not about to disrespect his momma; he IS That Guy, but doesn’t really write enough to have neat handwriting.
Many people seem to overlook the fact that his house is filled with books and write him as completely illiterate (which if not explored properly, ends up feeling a bit disrespectful and full of prejudice, but go off I guess; and that’s on my core Headcanons for Twi); however, he sticks to simple sentences. Knowing how to read and understanding a text is different from knowing how to write them. Like, when we would see a semicolon and understand its position in the text, but didn’t understand the nature of it. Is this clear? idk i’m sorry. So yeah, boy reads a lot, writes very little.
As for his Actual Handwriting, as opposed to Legend, his handwriting is thiccc but not because he presses into the paper; he is just that messy, he has no sense of ink-flow-control, he does what he can with what he has. To the untrained eye, his handwriting illegible letters like v, n, u are very similar; when he makes notes for himself he does it in the form of doodles or small ‘icons’. But! He reads a lot, so he rarely makes spelling mistakes (: he is your go-to guy when you don’t know how to write a word.
An example of his writing:
He keeps a journal, sue me.
3. My first born- Warrior
Okay, first off... I accept this is completely biased. I saw the idea and said “That’s True”. If you haven’t, please read Effective Communication; or The Lack of Thereof by htruona, a fic where the boys reflect on the language barriers between them. It’s incredibly funny and probably what made me start making these silly notes. So, if you’ve read that fic, you know where I’m going.
My man, Warrior, can’t fucking write. I mean, he physically can, but it’s very bad. Here’s the reason for it, tho, and it’s not his fault: Technically, he knew how to write alright but he joined the military and whatever note he had to write had to be concise or in the worst case coded. He mixes capital and lowercase letters. If we consider that he joined the military at around 15, his handwriting and grammar had yet to continue developing. Just think about how after summer break, your handwriting was always slightly worse than before because you didn’t write for an entire month. Now think what 2 years can do to that. Hmm, not cool, dude. He makes quick notes, when writing he’s all gotta go fast. he is the lighting mcqueen of writing; good for emergency messages, not ideal for love letters. His punctuation also suffered a lot, he only know full stops and commas and hardly uses them. A sentence for him is either one word or fifty without a single comma, no inbetween.
His hero title and an example of his writing.
(Bottom row, or what I like to call “fuck cursive” row)
7.- Magic man - Hyrule
I’m basic and I do agree with the popular headcanon of he not knowing how to write because well, y’all know his Hyrule. He only knows how to write his name because that’s important, same with numbers. I don’t see why would he write/read except checking the roadsigns. (he can even use this as an excuse for getting lost frequently; he thought it said something different.) But I do think that because his habitual reading consists of roadsigns, his ‘punctuation’ is weird af and places full stops/points/periods at the same level of his words and his commas/question/exclamation marks below them. Yk, creative license. Sadly, I don’t have much about my magic hands man so here’s what his writing would look like if he actually wrote a paragraph:
Man, I love Hyrule.
8.- Man, I don’t understand this boy - Wild
Cursive? ain’t nobody have the time for that. He woke up and had to save the world in his underwear while not knowing how to read nor write. He learnt during his journey and was taught by multiple people from different regions, that explains his inconsistent spelling of things and names for them. So Wild knows language variations for many items and uses them interchangeably (even if they aren’t exactly the same). Another headcanon related to writing/language skills that I’ve been thinking about is that if the shrine was able to cause amnesia, I’m sure there were other areas in the brain affected which leads us to language disorders such as agraphia and aphasia. But that’s a story for another day ksksksk
An example of his writing (after relearning)
9.- The best of sons - Wind
I don’t have much for him and that makes me sad. Look, he’s a kid, doing kid things like stabbing dudes on the head. This boy was taught cursive by his grandma, but could never do it and no one needs it anyway. His handwriting is good enough for his pirate life, Tetra is the one to handle Official stuff, he just gotta sign. Spelling and grammar mistakes abound. He is still relatively young and can correct his handwriting if he desires. But same as Wild, with how many times he’s been thrown out and hit his head, I’m starting to consider some language disorder for him as well.
An example of his writing:
aaand that’s it.
Thanks, y’all for showing interest in this silly thing uwu it was fun to finally talk about this. If you ever want to discuss ideas/headcanons(especially if they are related to language and culture), I’m your person (: I’m always happy to hear new headcanons. Feel free to add anything to this post either in a reply or in a reblog, I’d love to hear from y’all <3<3
#linkeduniverse#linked universe#anon#ask#lu headcanons#well that took more than an hour#but tbh i got distracted by the polls#yikes#but anyways here's my essay#ksksksk#I'm sorry for being more detailed in some#sometimes there's not much thought going on other that#than I vibe with it#yk?#anywussy pls let me know what you think#and if you have any headcanons related to writing pls let me know i b e g#echo i'm sorry for slaughtering warriors like that ksksksk he wasn't the one with detailed writing#although i can also imagine him the way you described it#but russian-cursive-writing!warriors held my monkey brain hostage#and there was nothing I could do#aiñ forgot to add the main tag#because tis is the official post ksksksk
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Thanks to @onereyofstarlight for the tag!
1. What fandoms have you written for?
This is embarrassing but I actually had to look at both FFnet and AO3 because I couldn’t remember all of them. TRON: Legacy, Assassin’s Creed, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, Sherlock, Final Fantasy VII and XV and Kingsglaive, Voltron: Legendary Defender, Merlin, Skyrim, and, of course, Thunderbirds. I have a couple other fandoms that crop up in various wips, including a Tom Swift/Thunderbirds crossover that I really should finish.
2. How many works do you have on AO3 &/or FFNet?
FFnet has 45, and AO3 has 41. There’s also a couple stories lurking on tumblr, notably a final chapter for Reflection.
3. What are your top 3 fics by kudos on A03 &/or Favs on FFNet?
AO3 dominates in this area, if I can use a word like “dominates” for stories that have less than 125 kudos each haha. Oh well, the numbers don’t matter!
1. 118 kudos on tell the shades apart (my world is black and white)
2. 94 kudos on Reflection
3. 91 kudos on The 43rd Hour
4. Which 3 fics have the least kudos & Favs?
Again on AO3:
1 kudos on I Am You (And You Are Me)
5 kudos on The Dragonborn Chronicles
6 kudos on cynosure
5. Which Fic has the most comments and which has the least?
Reflection has the most at 29 threads, and I Am You (And You Are Me) has the least at zero.
6. Which complete fic do you wish had gotten more attention?
Lodestar, definitely. Sure, it’s for something of a rarepair, but they aren’t that rare, and I just really really like the way the story came together. On the other hand, of course my unfinished Merlin fic has gotten probably the most attention, because that’s just the way it goes, eh?
7. Have you written any crossovers?
None that I’ve published! I have various crossovers lurking in mostly unfinished states, including the aforementioned Tom Swift/Thunderbirds crossover, and an Assassin’s Creed/Thundeerbirds crossover that is very good and I should also finish. There’s an Expanse/Thunderbirds fic lurking in my brain that I may or may not ever commit to paper, who knows. I’ve also very vaguely toyed with a Batman/Thunderbirds crossover, in the sense that “nebulous” is too strong a word for the kind of toying I’ve been doing.
8. What is the craziest fic you’ve written?
I don’t really write crazy or crack or humor in general, so probably the closest thing to “crazy” is On the Lam, which was the result of wanting to throw Scott and Penelope toward an Egyptian stud farm. It ended up being the host for a bad joke about that, courtesy of one @thebaconsandwichofregret, who consistently gives some of the best dialogue advice I’ve ever encountered.
Actually, the true answer is probably a chapter in Glimpses into a Supernova, maybe the one about blood? It seems bonkers when I think back on it now, but I admittedly haven’t read it in many years. Possibly I am misremembering. Glimpses has some weird ones, though.
9. What’s the fic you’ve written with the saddest ending?
It’s a tossup between The Painting and a place where the water touches the sky. The former deals with a prior off-screen death; the latter is (maybe??) an on-screen death. People seemed upset by it, at any rate. I said it was ambiguous!
10. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
“Happy” is probably a matter of perspective? Depends on the overall reading experience and the ending within that context. Either septet or Three Towels and a Tracy, they’re both pretty fluffy overall.
11. What is your smuttiest fic?
protoinstincts, which I completely forgot I wrote and then rediscovered like a year later and realized “hey, this is actually pretty good” and you know what, despite it not being overly spicy, it is pretty good.
12. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Not hate, per se, but someone left a review on Less Than Nothing saying they “didn’t like” that I “wrote the story as a series of drabbles.” Cool, I didn’t write the story for you, random guest reader, and the back button exists, friend 😂 It didn’t bother me on a personal level because I wrote the fic for an audience of one (incidentally, not myself and rather the recipient of a secret santa event), but I was mad because the reviewer had no way of knowing where I was at as a writer, and I know from longtime observation how that kind of comment can crush less experienced or confident writers.
Don’t leave flames, kids, you don’t understand the power your words have. Don’t like, don’t read.
13. What is the nicest comment you’ve received?
The nicest? Goodness. Hmm. I’d have to go hunting to find the nicest, but in recent memory, @ayzrules sent me a couple passages from Spanish texts she’s been studying that reminded her of my writing, and I was honestly so touched by the fact that she even thought to make such comparisons, much less mention them to me. Taking the time to familiarize yourself with someone’s style until you can make comparisons between it and someone else’s work is so much more meaningful to me personally than a basic “Nice story!” or “Loved this!” type of comment ever could be. <3 Ayz <3
14. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I’m aware of, but I’ve never gone looking on any sort of copycat site or whatever either.
15. How many fics do you have marked as incomplete?
Two. First is The Dragonborn Chronicles, which is a retelling of Skyrim from Lydia’s perspective via her journal, to complement the in-game journal. It’s a slog of a style to write, though, even for someone who loves writing first person and doesn’t really want to write a lot of dialogue, and the outline is huge, and the story will be many times more huge, and just. Some day. Some day.
Second is tell the shades apart (my world is black and white), which has always been unfinished because the outline itself is over seven thousand words and the fully written story would undoubtedly land between 100,000 and 200,000 words, and there’s no way I’m writing that. I’ve always meant to upload the outline, but I got kind of self-conscious about the way I formatted it, and ugh I just haven’t bothered. One day, one day, right?
Moral of the story is I’m intensely a short story writer, and I’ve really found myself settling into that role over the last couple years. Better a clipped, punchy short story than a bloated slog of an epic.
16. Which of the WIPS will most likely be finished first?
Literally no one knows that. I wrote 95% of the observable entropy of a closed system over five years ago, and then I proceeded to pull it out roughly once a year and write and rewrite various endings until last month, which was when I finally figured out how I wanted to end the story. septet, too, languished for about five years before I finally remembered it existed and managed to wrangle an ending. Endings are hard, man. So are those third plot points. Terrible creatures, those, bog me down every time.
17. Which WIP are you looking forward to finishing?
Uh... mm. See. If I were looking forward to finishing any of them, I’d be actively working on them. At this moment, writing fic isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities, but I am also coming off a four-day idle game bender, so I still feel like I haven’t quite reengaged with myself as a living person. Give me another few days and I might have an answer.
(I am always most looking forward to finishing this ridiculous Ignis-drives-the-Audi-R8 fic that’s been languishing in my wips for literal years. As mentioned above, third plot points. Killer, man.)
(oh and also the working-titled the art of murder. Scott and Penny attend a private art auction. Things don’t go to plan. It, too, is stuck at the third plot point. I know, I know I have a problem, shush.)
18. Is there a WIP that you’re considering abandoning?
Any wip has the potential to be revived—this year and the old wips I’ve unearthed, dusted off, finished, and posted have been proof of that. I don’t intentionally permanently abandon anything for that reason, some stories just probably will remain dusty old wips forever because I didn’t actually need or want to write the full story for one reason or another.
19. Which complete fic would you consider rewriting?
Now that’s an interesting question. Hmm! Honestly? None of them. Once I finish a story, I’m not inclined toward rereading it again any time soon, to the point of years in some cases, and I feel like I’ve moved on from the stories I wrote one, two, five, eight years ago in the actual writing sense. They’re finished stories, and on top of that are relics of their time, which doesn’t mean the stories don’t have any ongoing significance on a reading level—I just don’t have any interest in rewriting those particular stories. I’ve gotten them out of my head, to the point of not remembering at least a third of them on demand anymore, and I don’t have any desire to “retell” those exact stories. I do tend to tighten the wording and fix perceived errors/weaknesses whenever I do end up rereading an old story, and I usually silently update the AO3 version if I make any significant changes because AO3 makes it a breeze to update a posted fic. I might do FFnet too if I’m feeling up to it or have the time.
20. Which complete fic is your favourite?
Once upon a time I would’ve said Holding On, but I honestly find it kind of unbearably melodramatic now. the observable entropy of a closed system is equally melodramatic, as it was written in the same era, but at least it has the excuse of being told in second person and via a style that is a half step away from being poetry. Possibly I will reread it in a few years and find it equally obnoxious and overly dramatic, but it received some shockingly positive comments, which I wasn’t expecting at ALL, and I’ve been honestly blown away by the amount of praise it’s received. <3 to everyone who’s said anything about it!
21. What’s your total published word count?
141,000 on AO3, 160,000 on FFnet, but technically the light of my life SS wrote fifty thousand words of each. It’s too late for math.
I tag @velkynkarma, @lurkinglurkerwholurks, @writtenbyrain, @thebaconsandwichofregret, and anyone else who wants to play!
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Surprise Egg 2/13: Morning Sickness
I don't have a real solid headcanon for how long grumpus pregnancies last so I'm vague about the passage of time in this fic. But that's not super important anyway.
~
Almost from the start Buddy had made sure to make time to spend with Filbo even though he never requested anything of them after he’d asked them to bring everyone back to town and to assist everyone else if their various problems if possible. Now that they were dating though, Buddy tried to do so a bit more often. It still wasn’t as much as they would’ve liked though. Their story and finding Lizbert had to take precedence. Keeping everyone fed and bringing folk back to town and helping everyone with their things was also important and took up quite a bit of their time as well. Adding in the fact that they were actively exploring the island and testing all the ways they could interact with and catch the various bugsnax scattered across it, they were very busy indeed.
They did what they could though and if Filbo minded he didn’t show it. He seemed happy with whatever time they could find for him. They felt a little guilty about it but that’s just how it was. To make up for it they tried to sleep in town more often, with him if they came in early enough in the night. Which steadily became a thing more and more often because they were just that exhausted.
“You feeling okay, Buddy?” he asked them one evening after they’d stumbled into town with little to show for their hunting efforts.
After doling out what little they had caught, they’d gone to flop down by the firepit to stare into it as they forced themself to eat. So it was their own fault he’d noticed their discomfort. There wasn’t any use complaining about it so they never did but well, he’d asked so… “I’m sick.”
The already worried expression on his face grew more so. “Oh uh, I’d offer to make you some soup or something but uh… yeah. Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Except for the fact that it had heavily affected their ability to function today.
Filbo fidgeted with his paws. “You seem to be eating okay though, that’s good.”
“That’s the thing, I feel like I’m going to puke but I’m also starving.” And so they ate, staring into the fire to distract themself from how every ketchup ‘flower’ they ate made them want to throw their guts up a little more. The newfound peanut butter helped though, they should’ve grabbed more of it while up in the mountains earlier, it had yet to grow in the garden since Wambus had planted it literally just yesterday.
“Oh, if only Eggabell was still in town. She’d know how to help.”
“Well, she’s not so… sit with me and talk? Tell me what goes on around town when I’m not here.” A distraction was welcome and spending time chatting with him was always nice.
He still looked a little unsure but sat down next to them anyway. “Okay. After you’re done eating though you should rest.”
Today day was already more of a bust than anything so why not go ahead and waste the rest of it. It’s not like they’d get much done anyway so… “Fine.”
~
The nausea came and went randomly, sometimes worse, sometimes barely there, just a nuisance. The exhaustion and hunger were constants though. Often they were light headed too, standing up and not having blackness eat at the edges of their vision became a rarity. With nothing that could be done about it though they kept trucking on and didn’t complain.
Filbo picked up on the fact they weren’t feeling well though. Insisting they rest more or even take a whole day off. The former they did fairly often when he suggested it, the latter though they couldn’t afford to do. Thankfully, probably due to the fact they often listened to him about the former, he never heavily insisted on the latter, making things easier for both of them.
One thing they were willing to share though was… “Sometimes I want to eat mud.”
On the bed, Filbo looked up from the notebook they’d lent to him at his request to see more of their doodles because he liked them for some reason. “What?”
His tone had enough concern in it to draw Buddy’s gaze up from the notebook they were currently doodling in – a spare that had mostly doodles of bugsnax but would now have a doodle of Filbo flipping through the other notebook. “Sometimes I want to eat mud,” they repeated.
“Uh… why?”
Maybe they shouldn’t have brought it up after all. But the sound of the rain pattering against the hut’s roof and the view they had of it through the window as they sat at Filbo’s little table had brought it to mind in general. Making the craving return. “I don’t know. It’s really weird though, huh?” They’d never felt like that before.”
“Okay, but um… you’re not ever going to, right?”
“Of course not. I also really want to eat the bugsnax but like mud, I know it’d be worse for me if I did.”
Filbo was silent for a few seconds before flipping the journal closed and rolled out of bed and walking over and sit at the table across from them. “Maybe it’s time you uh, take a break or something? Go back to the mainland, get some real food and then come back.”
“I can’t.”
“I’m sure we’d all be fine on our own without you for a couple weeks.”
“I’m sure you would be. But I can’t go back until the story’s done. And the longer Lizbert’s missing, the worse her situation could be for all we know. If I take the time to go back to the mainland, she could be dead even before I return to start looking for her again.” Which would be bad in general and would hurt the conclusion of their big story.
Filbo sighed, hanging his head. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. I’m just worried about you.”
Buddy had already known that of course but… it was nice to hear. So nice it made them almost feel like crying. Which was dumb, it wasn’t that big a deal, so why were they so emotional? … “I’ll be fine,” they said instead, putting on a smile for him. “I’ve been through similar hardships before and came out fine.”
“Really?”
“Yep. I was lost in the woods for like a whole month apparently when looking for Moth-grump once. And while that’s far less time than I’ve spent here so far, I didn’t have a reliable source of food or water and no shelter whatsoever.”
“That sounds pretty awful.”
“It was.” Even if sauce, dandelions, and tree sap from the Surgerpine trees wasn’t much it was at least consistent, plentiful, and took no energy to find and collect. Even if for some reason they felt worse off here they couldn’t be, right? Especially since they weren’t really losing much weight, they’d started to at first but seemed to have evened out. “But it was worth it, just like this is going to be. … Or it was almost worth it.”
“What happened?”
“I got concrete evidence the Moth-grump is real, pictures and video, everything you could possibly ask for. It was going to be my biggest story. But then, after I got back to civilization, before I was even fully recovered from being lost in the woods for a month, I got mugged and robbed. They stabbed me three times, stole all my stuff and left me for dead. And now no one believes me and I couldn’t find the cave again when I tried because I’d been that lost. And I’m still mad about it.”
As they’d talked Filbo had leaned forward on the table in interest, his expression going from intrigued to worried to frightened before settling on a mix of bemusement and concern. “You sound almost uh, more mad about them ruining your story than them trying to kill you.”
“I am. Well, I’m mad they tried to kill me too but… it was going to be such a good story. And now no one I tell believes me. My boss thought I was making up excuses for why I was gone so long and didn’t have anything until I went to office to show her the stab wounds. And even then, she didn’t believe me about the Moth-grump. No one does.”
“I believe you. I mean like, if bugsnax exist, why can’t Moth-grump?”
As they looked up at him, they were almost overwhelmed with how much they loved him, letting it out in a purr. Was being overly emotional a normal symptom of malnutrition? “Thank you! This story’s going to be better anyway though and no one’s going to take it from be this time. It’s worth whatever I have to go through to get the full thing.”
He smiled at them warmly. “You’re very passionate about your work, huh?”
“Yeah. Hunting cryptids is kind of my thing.” Had been for as long as they could remember. “Though, solving any mystery is cool too and I do ghost hunting stories pretty often as well, those are always fun.”
“Could you tell me more about uh… the stuff you hunt and… stuff? If you want to anyway. I’m just curious and uh… I’ve never actually asked you about that before, huh? I’m always doing most of the talking. Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine.” Buddy didn’t typically bring up their specific work with people since they often got looked down on for it so it was a habit not to. Also… “I like listening to other grumps talk, especially if it’s you. I’ll gladly tell you more though, what do you want to hear about, if anything in particular?” And he’d already convince them to take the rest of the evening off so it’s not like they had anywhere else to be right now.
“Uh… more about the Moth-grump maybe?”
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Subtleties of a Suitor (Part 2 of 2)
Summary: Pre-calamity AU where Zelda’s powers awaken in time, but not everything is back to normal after Calamity Ganon is defeated.
Note: This has NSFW themes (such as sex and really disgustingly sappy fluff), tread carefully!
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Later in the day, the Labrynna royalty retired to their chambers early. Understandably, due to their long travels and eventful day. Prince Tyrion had been among them, apologizing vehemently for cutting her explanation of Guardian mechanics off and bidding goodnight from Princess Zelda’s study. It was more of a workshop with all the gears and equipment lying about. The sun almost entirely over the horizon through the tall windows.
Zelda sighed when he was far down the hallway and allowed her shoulders to relax. The disadvantage to entertaining royalty were the constant expectations. The Princess was consistently on her guard with speech and posture that talking turned into an exhaustive sport. She absently stared at the detached Guardian sensor she had been showing him, although she wasn’t ignorant to his straying eyes and his bored gaze.
The door to her study made her jump as it opened loudly and her immediate thought was that Prince Tyrion had left something, but it wasn’t him.
“I’m surprised to see you alone,” Link said, genuinity in his tone.
She shrugged, a tad put off by his presence. “His Highness was tired before I dragged him here. My interests seem to put him to sleep.”
“I’m sure you showed no mercy,” he jested.
“Oh, surely not. He did yield to his bed.”
He matched her grin, but she let it devolve into a cough quickly after. She was all too aware of his footsteps crossing the room where he sat in the stool Tyrion had left vacant.
“Did you need something?” Zelda asked, defaulting into formality out of nervousness.
“Actually,” he started, weighing his words as he spoke. “His Majesty wanted me to see if Prince Tyrion was willing to join him for dinner since his family retired.”
“Oh. Seems that won’t be the case.”
“No,” he reached to scratch the back of his neck. Link’s eyes drew to the sensor on the table and his brow furrowed. “When did you get that?”
Tension in Zelda’s face relaxed and an involuntary smile graced her, “A month ago. I recovered it from Hyrule Field. Do you remember when Ganon’s malice began extending across the ground and the Divine Beasts began to act oddly?”
He nodded astutely, “I do. It was when that Guardian attacked us.”
“Well, I want to know how the malice infiltrated it’s mechanics. Since the sensor is where it operates from, I might be able to find something.”
Unabashedly, she began to ramble on about circuits and Sheikah technology. Topics that Link has heard hundreds of times, but he spurred her on. Most times he nodded at her points, smiling as she did, other times he asked questions that launched her into an entirely different science.
“I don’t get it,” he said, leaning on his hand.
“What?” she followed up with the full intention of explaining her points better.
“How he could get tired of you. I don’t understand that.”
Zelda blinked owlishly.
He shrugged and straightened at a realization. “I forgot that your father is waiting on me.”
“Unless that’s an excuse and you’ve gotten tired of me.”
His eyes widened when he stood, “That’s not the case at all, Zelda, I swear to Hylia.”
“I know,” she laughed, “Can you tell him I’m heading to bed, too?”
“Of course,” he said, sobering from her laughter. “Goodnight.”
When he left, she felt a warmth that hadn’t filled her in awhile. She found that she missed that feeling desperately. Zelda wondered if he felt that too. Her legs straightened as she stood and she allowed herself a long moment to stretch. A large sigh filled her until her eyes spied something that hadn’t been on the stool before.
Link must have left it.
It was a small paperback book that looked worn with use. The pages were rounded from being carried around often and she picked it up.
The title was “The Conduct of Courting” and everything made sense. His behavior must be off recently because he’s involved with someone else. I would have realized it faster if I had thought about it. Why else would he suddenly have the gall to be so preformative during court?
Then I realized it must be someone important. The visit a couple days ago is evident that he’s courting, and possibly betrothed to, Princess Aurra. This entire time must have been a show of sparing my feelings. It makes sense why he acted so casually around her. At the duel, he could have easily been looking at Aurra and not me.
Thus why Father invited him to dine with us for supper. Since that night, it’s become a regular event. From a political standpoint, it makes sense. Their marriage would be incredibly advantageous and agreeable. Princess Aurra wouldn’t be inheriting the throne and it’s typical that royal siblings marry nobility and now Link has a proper title. Sure, he’s in the army, but he’s elevated enough to attend our court. Why not a princess too?
Zelda paused, feeling anger rising in her. No, it wasn’t anger, but it hurt just the same. Sorrow built up from the pit of her stomach. She was tired, too, as this was the last day before the Labrynna royal family left for their home country. Maybe if she marries Tyrion, Link would be her brother-in-law.
No, wait, that made her feel sick to the stomach and exponentially worse. In a series of flurried words, she ended her diary entry.
Andthat’sfantasticforhimandIshouldbethrilledforhisfuture.
KindestRegards,
Zelda
She didn’t include a heart this time.
A knock at the door caused her to slam her journal shut with a jolt. She groaned. The ink hadn’t dried yet. With perhaps too much force, she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. That’s it, she was simply tired and will attempt to seem presentable.
Unceremoniously, she rose from her seat and opened the door a crack. The sight through the doorway made her want to scream.
Link opened his mouth before an odd look crossed him. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m perfectly fine,” she said, not fine and positive that red rimmed her eyes. Zelda allowed the door to open enough to fit her frame. Hopefully it politely communicated her desire for his goodnight wishes to end swiftly.
“You don’t act like you’re perfectly fine,” he deadpanned.
The mixture of annoyance, anger, and sorrow built up around her throat and beat down her previous inhibitions. She crinkled her nose and spoke curtly, “It would have been nice if you had told me about your courtship.”
He stayed silent under her searing gaze until, “I… thought you would be happy about it.”
So she was right.
The Princess swallowed dryly. That wasn’t the response she was expecting, but maybe he assumed she had recovered fully from their affair. After all, it had been months since. Three months where it was now apparent no progress had been made. Zelda straightened.
“You misunderstand me. I’m thrilled.”
Link tilted his head in the way he did when he was confused. “You don’t seem thrilled.”
Then, he paled and watched his feet.
“I mean, we can call it off if you’re opposed. I just assumed…” he said with pain tinged words.
Zelda winced. She hadn’t thought her opinion had that much impact. It was obvious he was happy with Aurra and here she was, angry at his good fortune.
“No, Link, I,” she faltered and placed a hand on his arm. “I didn’t mean it that way. I apologize. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
Slowly, he shook his head, “Uh… are you sure about that? I must have misread something or misinterpreted. I want you to be happy for yourself, not just because I was.” He was miffed for reasons that escaped Zelda altogether.
Now, she was just as vexed. “No, no what I think doesn’t matter. I’m only happy that you managed to rebound from what we had. In a solid relationship there are only two people that have meaningful input: you and her.”
“Wait, what?”
“I said, in a solid relationship-”
He shook his head, “No, Zelda, who do you think I’m courting?”
Her mouth fell closed and she looked at him as if he had two heads. “Princess Aurra.”
“Oh, Hylia,” he breathed out, putting a hand on his chest.
Zelda’s brows knitted together. “Am I wrong? Oh gods, I’m wrong. Who is it? Is it… the maid you always get along with?”
“No.”
“The woman who hit on you at court?”
“Gods no. Zelda-”
“Are you sure it isn’t Princess Aurra? She’s very pretty.”
“Yes,” he was laughing now. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Her shoulders slacked, “Stop laughing, Link. This is serious. I don’t know why you’re mocking me.”
“I understand and I’m sorry,” Link reasoned, attempting to bite down on his lingering smile. The grip on his arm tightened. “I thought about what you told me when you wanted… us… to end.”
Zelda watched his boyish smile upturn at the thought. So, her rejection was what caused him to look elsewhere.
“Of course, it made sense. Though I was beyond heart broken, I knew you were right. You always are,” Link pried her hand off his arm to hold it. “I took your father’s promotion. In that time, I felt worse than I ever had being away from you. You had told me the King would never approve, but I asked anyway.”
His fingers traced over her knuckles as he spoke. Green eyes widened and she could barely whisper out, “You did?”
He nodded with a short smile, “I did. And I was terrified. I told him about how I felt about you and he went so quiet that I thought he’d hang me. Then he asked if you loved me and I told him you’ve said so many times.”
Tears she had been holding back surfaced for an entirely new reason. Zelda’s face scrunched up and she held a hand under her nose. With a trembling lip, she bubbled out, “What did he say?”
“He said that as long as you still held those feelings, I have his blessing.”
She retched her hand from his grasp and flung them around his neck, bursting into a sob. Link buried his head in the crook of his neck and hugged her tightly as she cried.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I should have told you.”
“So… So…” she sniffed between her attempted words, falling into a sob and back. “So you’ve been courting me this whole time?”
She felt him nod into her.
“You love solving mysteries and I know you like surprises. I’m so sorry.”
“Are you kidding me?” she pulled back, a wide and watery smile met him. His princess was a mess. “This is the best surprise I’ve ever gotten.”
They sank into an embrace once more as reality fell onto her. Never was she so happy to be so wrong. Together, they stood like that in the hallway for a long moment. Zelda breathed him in all over again, her subconscious somewhat hesitant to dive headfirst back into the bucket of emotions that had been pooling for months.
“Zelda.” She heard him say, feeling his voice against her ear.
Full of reluctance, he pulled her away for a moment. His eyes met hers and his movements were small, but they were all too familiar. Link’s hand moved from her waist to her jaw and looked at her like she was the last thing he would ever see. It was so intensely reminiscent of their first kiss that her throat threatened to close up for the second time.
“There’s no Calamity,” she said with a sweet smile.
His thumb drew circles on her skin and he looked down at her with an emotion like no other.
“No,” he finally whispered. “There isn’t.”
Without intention, they drew closer. Her mouth tugged further upwards, “I can be with you.”
Link’s response was pressing his lips to hers and she fell into them easily. His hands cradled her head and pulled her impossibly closer. A whimper from deep within came from her and he swallowed the noise without care. The sound of someone approaching down the hall gave a jumpstart to her heart, but she was too intoxicated with him to respond with reason.
Awfully, his lips pulled away and in her ear, “Someone’s coming.”
His voice, gods his voice, was thick and almost raspy.
“Let them.”
All he did was let out a low laugh and let the heat of his fingers sear through her nightgown. The echoing footsteps were growing louder now.
“Can I spend the night with you?”
It could be her guard. It could be a servant. It could be the Prince.
“Please.”
Just like that, he heaved her into his arms with arm around her shoulders and the back of her knees. She yelped, falling into laughter as he hurried into the room and shut the door behind him. The closing hinges signified their safety and he peered down at her with pure adoration.
“I love your laugh.”
Zelda already had her hands in his hair, bracing herself for a bruising kiss. For a moment, his arms faltered and she thought she’d fall, but they tightened around her instead. When she parted her lips, he invaded her senses so greatly that she moaned in the ecstasy of feeling something she thought she’d never get the chance to feel again. Disbelief, overwhelming amazement, inexplicable happiness.
A groan against her lips sparked a deep burning in her stomach that made her sigh. Link’s tongue was gentle against her mouth. He wasn’t hesitant, but savoring and it made her want to cry from the simple fact that they were here.
She fell onto the bed with a light bounce and watched him remove his tunic, seeing skin tanner than when she last saw it. Emotion welled in her chest and a dry sob made her heave.
“I missed you,” she nearly whined. Her brows drew together as he dipped down to capture her lips again.
He parted shortly, “I missed you.”
Zelda’s hands felt down his shoulders, feeling everything from the smooth skin to rough scars and loved it all. She wasn’t blind to know that she was hopelessly attracted to him. The day where he sparred held a night where she held that memory while pretending her fingers were his, trying to resurrect the moment where they truly were and he whispered small encouragements in the nights where she doubted herself too much for his ears.
“I thought about you every night.” She gasped a gasp as smooth as the sheets she laid upon when his hands felt up her thighs.
His mouth laid claim to the side of her cheek and breathed hot breath over her ear. Link’s grip increased when she shivered. “In what way?”
Her nightgown had long hiked up to her hips. As he laid flush against her, standing between her parted knees, she wrapped him in an embrace that coaxed him to melt into her.
“Sometimes like this.” She smiled softly, sweetly enjoying his warmth and the fact that - yes - this was okay and he was hers.
Then she rolled her hips against his clothed crotch, the sudden friction making Link groan against her neck. Breath hitched in her lungs, the sensation so much better than she remembered.
Zelda sighed from the pleasure, “Sometimes like this.”
Link rose to swiftly catch her in a slow kiss that clouded her mind. His lips moved against her in slow waves, giving hints of what she knew he was capable of. Carefully, slowly, he took her hips and ground down against her heat. Zelda moaned and Link pulled away to watch her face. The warmth in her sparked and she tried to fill the space he left with her hips, and much to her frustration, he held them down.
Then, he looked upon her with reverence in his eyes. His kiss-swollen lips upturned to whisper hints of his mischief. Wheat blond locks were coming undone around his face and he was perfectly kissable if he were to let her.
Barely audible, she frowned and voiced her grievances. “Why’d you stop?”
The hints turned to undeniable devilment. “Can a man not watch his…” then his brow furrowed and he looked above her head. “It’s not suitor, right? Suitress?”
Her nose wrinkled at the word. “I don’t recall vying for your hand.”
“You don’t?” he gasped, extending his arms so that her view of his disbelief was clear. “Because I distinctly remember your many tears over how it was impossible for me to be with you.”
“Link!” she fumbled to the back of his neck, but there was no avail to her tugging. “I had the purest intentions!”
“Oh yes,” he sighed. “To turn me away so you could accept Prince Tyrion’s proposal.”
“Link! I wouldn’t have done that when I still loved you!”
“I can’t help but notice you’re using past tense, Princess.”
Zelda squirmed out of his grip and further onto the bed. Curiosity danced in blue eyes as she felt along the hem of her nightgown. Innocently, she tilted her head and let her long hair pool to one side. The change in tone was immediate.
“You know, Hero,” she leered, pulling her gown to her hips. His gaze followed it, searing up her thighs with his amusement. “I could have you arrested for spreading such slander about me.”
The fabric balled up between her fingers, inching to reveal her lacy white panties. Despite herself, she smiled when he placed his knee on the bed to follow her. It was hard to ignore the way his hard stomach flexed with his movements. Her gown tightened further in her fists and her innocent smile widened; his attention rapt to her suddenly revealed curves. Link’s mouth formed her name.
“Or perhaps…” Zelda bit her lip as his hands tried to coax hers to move faster. He was close enough for her to kiss his neck and breath out, “You would like me to show you my love?”
She couldn’t help the bout of giggles when he pushed her against the pillow and explored her exposed stomach. His smile was hidden from view, but it was in his words.
“Gods, I adore you.”
Zelda lifted her arms as he yanked the gown off, careful to avoid snagging her hair because he had done it before. She had always been somewhat self-conscious of her body. And now as her nipples hardened to the chill that tended to eternally linger in her room, she could only be reminded that there wasn’t the need to visit holy springs that required a certain amount of labor and that she didn’t feel the incessant want to leave the castle when there would be a man who wasn’t Link alongside her.
Surely, she had her fair share of sweets after Calamity Ganon.
The insecurity brought her hands to rest on top of her tummy and a thick blush to sweep up her neck. Link, however, didn’t pause for one second and planted a firm kiss to her collar bone.
“Is this okay?” he asked, enveloping her hands in his and enticing them from her body.
Zelda nodded, but followed up with an audible, “Yes.”
The way he touched her was both cautious and bold, kneading the flesh of her hips in a way that made her shiver. His fingertips surfed up her skin to her breasts and he tasted the heartbeat at her throat.
A million sweet nothings vaguely reached her ear as he felt the skin before the waistband of her underwear. Link didn’t allow breath to stay long in her lungs and she lifted her lips in the hopes he would be merciful. It should’ve been expected when he drew away.
“Please,” she breathed, reaching for the buckle of his trousers only for him to pull in back against the pillow above her head. “It’s been so long.”
Love was in his eyes when he came up from her neck. Link worried his bottom lip between his teeth and the sight turned her stomach in the best way. He searched her face and seemed to consider her words before deciding on a, “No.”
There was no time for her to respond because he wasn’t done with that special spot on her neck. He laved his tongue over the places he nipped at and she had no problem leaning her head away to make more room for him to work. Zelda bit down on her back molars to swallow a moan when she realized his intentions; he had never dared to do this to her before.
“You’re- you’re going to leave a mark.”
All he did was hum against her throat while her breath hitched as he palmed over her clothed folds. The hint of the pressure she so desperately needed was applied. Link paused his sucking, groaning at her wetness. The sound burned the need brighter at her navel. His movements grew hesitant, as if at war with himself before disappearing down her all at once and wrestling her panties from her body - a struggle due to how entangled her long legs were with his.
Cheeks already flushed grew darker as she watched him watch her. Link sunk low with eyes of blue fire, any signs of mischief dashed for determination. Anticipation burned with a fire she hasn’t felt for months and the way his hot breath smoothed over her navel.
The back of hers knees rested on his shoulders and he licked slowly up her cunt, making her head hit the pillow and a low moan dredged from her throat. Instinct brought her hands to his hair, but she refrained from pulling by using what was left of her sanity. The flat of his tongue made her fingertips tremble, further threading to graze his scalp.
Her chest heaved his name with the vulgar sounds and she could dimly hear the sound of his trousers falling off the bed. Impressions of his fingers pressed deeply into her upper thighs. Her Hero worked her like he did most things, with purposeful motions that made her lose all reason and allowed short gasps to escape her as he hummed a smile against her.
“Link,” she repeated, need and warning in her voice. Blue, blue, blue gazed at her. She hadn’t even noticed the absence of his dominant hand that had long left her thigh for what was between his own legs; his shoulder and arm making suggestive movements. It was as if Link did this for his own pleasure rather than her own. The thought snapping the coil that had been building with his tongue.
This gasp was different, sharper, mixed with his name and words even she couldn’t decipher as she shortly visited the heaven he took her to. Even enduring her climax, Link held her tighter. When she fell slack against the cushions and he finally released her, a well of emotion surged in her breast.
In a slight daze, she sat up and pressed a languished kiss to his lips, already wet. His arms securely circled her and she parted with knitted brows. Zelda’s lip trembled when concern crossed him.
“What’s wrong?”
Zelda held his face in her hands. A rosy glow was on her cheeks and warmth filled her breath as his eyes tried to decipher her thoughts.
“I love you.”
It barely registered to her that they were both naked. If anything, there was rightness in his soft azure gaze and the way their bodies touched beyond the intent of seeking pleasure. There was a slight lift to Zelda’s shoulders and his forearms fell on either side of her torso so Link could bear more of his weight. “That’s all,” she said. “I love you; I missed you.”
With a grin, he snaked his arms around her and buried his head within the crook of her shoulder. Strands of hair tickled her ear and his soft breaths pulled a series of giggles from her. Link’s embrace strained her laughter, only to cause more to burst from her chest.
He echoed her with murmured words, drawing soft circles on her shoulder blades. Zelda sighed into his arms and simply enjoyed his voice. As lovers entangled, every movement was languished. Time didn’t exist.
But she didn’t oppose the kisses that were now peppering her cheek. The fervent compliments from his lips conjuring a deep blush across her face that he tried to kiss away. It was a fruitless endeavor, of course, as it only permeating further on her skin as they touched one another in the way only familiar lovers could.
Their love was made in soundless motions. Learning one another as if three months were three years. It had been an affair that was born of fleeting touches and an impending expiration. It was a haunting kind of love that tended to plague more than pleasure. Now they had so much longer than months, a whole lifetime if they wished.
That was the fact they reassured one another in breathy laughter and loving embraces.
Time drew on with or without them and as she peered at him over the pillows of the morning dawn, she saw him looking back with a happiness she could only pinpoint in her heart.
“I’ve spent all this time convincing I would go on without you,” she said, almost mournfully.
He spoke unabashedly, because nothing was left to hide in the state they were in. “You could have,” he smiled a smile that mirrored her tone. “And I was fully prepared to walk away at the door.”
He gathered her loose hand in his. “I don’t have much to offer,” he spoke with a languished grin, “I have a modest home and will inherit my family’s farm.”
Zelda watched him with an indescribable softness. A sleepless night brought a misty haze over her, but it couldn’t stop the thrumming of her heart. She didn’t need to voice her answer if he had been asking because the simple picture of them living modestly was one that made her curl into his side.
Eventually, he would need to leave before anyone would find out he was in the Princess’s chambers. They would need to arrange a formal announcement and the idea of a public wedding was another beast that needed to be slain.
But for now, Zelda let the morning bring its own subtleties of what subsequent mornings promised.
#GROSS#zelink#zelda#link#zelink fanfiction#fanfiction#loz#legend of zelda#legend of zelda: breath of the wild#loz fanfiction#ashleyswrittenwords#subtleties of a suitor
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do you sing in the shower? Yeah, I have a shower playlist on my Spotify I sing along to.
do you think money makes people happy? It certainly helps, sure, but you can still be unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s not everything.
what's your relationship status? Very much single.
what time is it? 3:29AM.
what emotion are you feeling right now? Tired and irritated.
do you have netflix? I do.
have you ever traveled outside your home country? Once.
coffee or tea? Coffee, of course.
shower or bath? Shower.
what's your favorite pizza topping? Extra cheese and sauce, spinach, cilantro, green onion, garlic.
what's something that makes you happy? Beach days.
do you have siblings or are you an only child? I have two brothers.
what's your favorite instrument? Piano.
what's your favorite food? Italian, Mexican, and American.
what is something you are always losing? My mind, probably. <<< That’s how I feel.
are you good at spelling? I think so.
what is one goal you have? Get my health stuff under control.
did you get a flu shot this year? No. I never have.
what's your favorite Disney movie? A few of my top favorites are Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, Toy Story and A Goofy Movie.
are you bored? No.
what are you listening to? An ASMR video. what's your favorite foreign language? Spanish.
what do you do when you can't sleep? My nightly routine consisting of scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, and listening to ASMR.
do you like cats or dogs better? Dogs.
do you have any piercings? Just my earlobes.
what's your favorite vegetable? Potatoes, spinach, green onions, broccoli. do you eat meat? Yeah.
what's the best concert you've ever been to? All of ‘em. Concerts are just a fun, cool experience.
what's your favorite season? Fall and winter.
do you still write letters? No.
what would make you really happy right now? If I was able to have beach vacay.
what's your favorite song? I have a lot.
are you good at giving advice? I wouldn’t recommend asking me for advice; I’m a mess.
what's your favorite hobby? Reading and doing surveys.
do you prefer to talk or text? Text over talking on the phone.
what's your favorite pair of shoes? My Adidas.
how often do you read? (as in books) I read a lot. I finish one and start another. There’s a few different series I’ve been into that’s been keeping me occupied.
do you have any pets? I have a doggo.
what's your favorite day of the week? I don’t have one.
are you in college? No, I’m done with school.
are you/have you ever been in a long distance relationship? No.
how do you typically listen to music? I use Spotify.
do you like going to the beach? I love the beach.
did you make any new year's resolutions? No, I stopped doing that years ago.
how old are you? 31 years old.
do you know anyone who is blind? No.
who is someone you admire? My mom.
do you have a good singing voice? No, unfortunately.
are your nails painted? Nope. It’s been a few years since I’ve painted them.
Are you an extrovert or introvert? I’m definitely an introvert.
what are you having/had for dinner tonight? I don’t know, yet.
do you ever write in a journal? This is my journal/diary.
if you could time travel when/where would you go? My childhood. what's your favorite animal? Doggos and giraffes.
what's your favorite kind of cereal? The sugary ones.
how was your day? It’s only 4 in the morning.
do you ever listen to classical music? Not often or regularly, no.
what inspires you? I haven’t felt inspired in a very long time.
how many pillows do you sleep with? Finally had to pack away a lot of them cause they were just taking up too much space. I currently have 4 on my bed, but prior I had like 10. I only actually use 2.
how many hours of sleep do you need? I never have enough.
do you have big or small feet? Small.
what's the weather like where you are? Miserably hot.
what's the most interesting thing you can see out the window? It’s pitch black out right now.
does/did your high school have a school song? Yeah.
what month is your birthday in? July.
what's your dream job? I don’t have one. :/
are you excited for summer? Noooooo. D:
what foreign country would you want to live in for 6 months? Hmm. I’d have to really think about that.
did you have to go to school today? No, I’m done with school.
win a million $$ or never have to pay for anything again? Never have to pay for anything again, obviously. <<<
do you throw coins into fountains? Sometimes.
do you have a trampoline? No.
what's your favorite song lyric? I have many.
what did you eat the last time you went to the movies? Popcorn and mini KitKats.
do you ever measure time in songs? When listening to music I sometimes do that. Like, when in the shower I measure how long to leave my shampoo in my hair that way.
do you know how to play chess? Nope.
what's your favorite game? (any type) Mario Bros, The Sims, various board games..
do you enjoy traveling? I don’t get the opportunity to do a lot of it, but yes.
do you tend to wait till the last minute? Yes.
have you ever owned a goldfish? Yeah.
how do you relieve stress? Cry.
without looking it up, guess the outside temperature? 82F.
now look it up - how close were you? Ha, I guessed way too high it’s only 52. It’s been getting really warm in the mornings so I assumed it was already high.
do you prefer digital or analog clocks/watches? Digital.
do you prefer to shop in stores or online? I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping the past few years even pre-COVID, but since COVID that’s all I’ve done until just recently as I’ve started to venture out to places like Target and Walmart. I haven’t gone to any clothing stores or any other store, yet, but I’m working towards it. Anyway, all that being said I do enjoy shopping online, but it’s nice to get out there and shop once in awhile. It’s definitely more comfortable and convenient for me right now, though.
do you enjoy coloring? I love my adult coloring books. <<<
do you like to dance? I don’t really dance.
have you ever owned a horse? No.
do you take selfies? Rarely. I did for the first time in a long time recently at my bro’s grad party.
do you ever listen to music in languages besides English? Not often, but sometimes.
have you ever cried from listening to a song? Oh, definitely.
what's your favorite song from a movie? I have several favorites.
do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds.
who was your favorite music artist when you were 10? Britney Spears, N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, etc. <<<
when was the last time you had to go to the dentist? It’s been a few years.
can you speak Spanish? Very little.
what's the last thing you watched on youtube? I’m currently watching an ASMR video.
now what time is it? 6:09AM. I clearly took a break. Well, actually I feel asleep.
do you ever watch musicals? Yeah, some.
do you know anyone who's a twin? Yeah.
do you ever get carsick? Yes.
what's your opinion on wolves? They’re gorgeous, but I wouldn’t want to be near one.
when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? I go for the sad.
do you like seafood? Nooo.
do you enjoy going to the zoo? I enjoy seeing zoo animals, but I hate that they’re in captivity like that. <<<
are there any celebrities from your hometown? Yes.
do you shower in the morning or at night? At night.
do you prefer to work alone or in a group? Alone.
do you go to the gym alone or with a friend? I don’t go to the gym.
do you like coconut? I like the scent but not the food. <<<
who is someone you're jealous of? No one.
what's your favorite place to go out for breakfast? IHOP, Denny’s, and this local place.
do you still have your christmas tree up? Ha, no. And I actually have the decorations in my room put away as well, which prior to this year I had up for two years.
do you have a favorite type of bird? No.
have you ever had an overnight flight anywhere? No.
if you use them, tell me 5 of your recently used emojis I don’t feel like checking.
do you know anyone that plays the violin? *shrug* I might.
how much money is in your wallet right now? Not sure, exactly.
anything you're looking forward to tomorrow? No.
have you ever auditioned for anything? Nope.
did you have a webkinz when you were younger? No.
how would you describe your aesthetic? I have no idea.
have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? No.
when was the last time you rode a bus? Back when I was still in college, so 6 years ago.
if you saw $50 on the ground what would you do? If no one was around, I’d pick it up and keep it. If it was in a wallet, I’d turn it in. <<< That’s what I would do.
do you know how to play any unusual instruments? No.
are you an early bird or a night owl? Both, really. Here I am at 6:17AM basically up all night. I dozed off for a bit, but still.
have you ever had trouble understanding someone because of an accent? Yes.
do you ever go to Massachusetts? I’ve never been.
do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Not that I know of.
what was the most memorable rainbow you've ever seen? (if any) Uhh.
do you remember anything from when you were 5 or younger? Just spotty preschool memories.
do you need to do laundry? No.
do you know anyone (including yourself) who actually enjoys math? Ew, definitely not me.
do you have a favorite poem? No. I haven’t read a whole lot of poetry.
if you were from somewhere else, would you visit your town on vacation? Uh, no. There’s absolutely nothing to do here. We’re not a vacation/touristy city.
where would you spend $100 if you had to spend it all in one store? Ooh, probably Boxlunch.
would you rather go to Japan or Greece? Greece.
now what song are you listening to? I’m not listening to a song at the moment.
what are you wearing right now? Leggings and a Mario Bros shirt.
any fun plans for the weekend? Nope.
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Abby’s Original Stuff
Okay, so. Disclaimer. This is completely original stuff. (Currently untitled. Currently have like. 4 chaps written?) This is the first part. Its about 8000 words. Essentially the story is told through like first person and then there’s diary recaps in it because she’s keeping a journal.
Prologue, Somewhere in New England
“Alright, Class of 2018, turn those tassels!”
I couldn’t help the giant grin I felt spreading across my face as I stared out at my classmates from the podium. I had done it: I had finally finished law school. It had been a long, hard, and very expensive process, but I hadn’t given up. Inside I felt a mixture of happiness with a tinge of fear. Sure, I had just finished countless years of education to come out the other end, and I already had a new job at a law firm in New York City waiting for me to start at the end of the month, but I was also terrified. College is so easy compared to the real world. I had considerably less bills to pay while I was in school, and I didn’t have to worry about when my next meal would be since I had had a meal plan. Now, I would have to pay for the thousands upon thousands of dollars I had spent to receive my education on top of basic living expenses in New York City. That would be a problem for later, though. For now, I would celebrate with my classmates for what would be the last time until our reunion years from now where we’ll be showing off the successes we’ve had since law school.
I pushed any negative thoughts I had to the furthest reaches of my mind as I gripped my cap in my hands. I tossed my cap in the air, watching in soar towards the heavens along with my classmates’. In that moment, the sky was the limit and the world was my oyster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My eyes scanned around the light pink room, taking in the posters on the wall of boy bands since disbanded, the dozens of books on a bookshelf that had seen better days, the shelf of miscellaneous snow globes that had been collected from adventures over the years, finally settling on a small music box on top of a bureau. I looked down at the small blue box adorned with the word “Daughter”, rubbing my thumb across it fondly before flipping it up. My ears were greeted by the sound of “You Are My Sunshine” playing, having been wound up long ago but forgotten. I carefully pulled out a ring made up of gemstones of different colors. I slipped it onto my finger and closed my eyes. I could almost picture it being on the hand that originally wore it. It was an older, slightly wrinkled hand, but it was attached to my grandmother.
“Oh, if only you were here to see how far I’ve come,” I sighed before taking the ring back off. I gingerly placed it back into the music box, closing it and carefully placing it into a box. I closed the flaps and taped up the opening before turning back to look at the boxes strewn around my room.
I promptly decided that I was way too stressed at the moment and decided to head down to the kitchen for some good ole stress baking. It had been a week since I had graduated. I was busy packing my things into three separate piles: trash, storage, and New York bound. Looking around my childhood bedroom, I felt a pang of nostalgia as I carefully weighed the sentimental value of various items, deeming them worthy of finding a home in my tiny future apartment, worthy of making it into my future home, or worthy of the landfill. My parents had told me to sort through my things, my mother had insisted that they were going to turn my room into a guest room. However, I knew better than to take mom’s words to heart. I knew my dad would make sure that most of my things that were labeled as “storage” would end up in a room that would serve as a guest room, but would still closely resembled the room I knew and loved as a child. My dad is of the belief that every child, no matter how old, deserved to have a bedroom they could come back to when they visited home.
As I walked into the kitchen, I immediately preheated the oven to 350 degrees. I had no idea what I was going to bake yet, but that’s the magic number for most baked goods. I went around the kitchen opening and closing cabinets looking for maybe a bit of divine inspiration as to what to bake when I accidentally closed the fridge a little too hard, sending a piece of paper that had been tacked up with a magnet spiraling to the ground. I bent down to pick it up and smiled. It was a recipe for snickerdoodle cookies that I had left for my mom when I had first left for school. I discovered it by accident one day during the summer when I was stressed about work and was looking for something to bake, but didn’t have any of the conventional ingredients to bake with. I ended up using pancake mix to make cookies. They were so good that my mom made me write the recipe down before I left for school that fall so that she could make them for work parties.
I glanced down at the recipe, written in my very messy handwriting. It read:
Snickerdoodle Cookies (The internet may call them “Friendship Cookies” but they are wrong!)
3 cups pancake mix
2 ½ sticks of soft butter
¾ cups sugar
2 tablespoons molasses
2 eggs
dash of vanilla
cinnamon and sugar for dip mix
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mash up butter, molasses, and eggs in mixing bowl.
3. Pour in pancake mix, sugar, and dash of vanilla.
4. Mix together until a dough-like consistency forms.
5. Cover bowl in cling wrap or foil and chill in fridge for 30 to 45 minutes.
6. Add equal parts of cinnamon and sugar into a small cereal bowl. You can really just eyeball this.
7. Spray either your hands or a spoon with cooking spray depending on how messy you wish to get.
8. Form dough balls and then coat them in the cinnamon sugar mix from the bowl before placing them on a bake tray.
9. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until you can stab them and they pass the toothpick test.
I nodded to myself, taking in the recipe before setting up the counter with my ingredients. It had been a while since I had stress-baked. I hadn’t done it since before my big law exam two months ago. Most people don’t like to bake when they’re stressed, because then it easily turns into stress eating, but sometimes that’s just a risk you’ve got to take. Really, stress baking is only problematic when you live by yourself and don’t have other people to also eat your baked goods when you’ve finished them. Baking, to me, was easy. It was something I could do kind of on auto pilot, but it was time consuming enough that it took my mind off whatever was worrying me. It also helps when you have music going, so I pulled my phone out and started blasting some tunes out of the speaker before starting to mix my ingredients together. My dad peeked his head into the doorway.
“Packing is going that bad?” He asked as he came in and sat down at the counter.
“It’s not that it’s going bad, per se, but it’s just a reminder of how far reaching the looming shadow of my future has become,” I responded as I folded my ingredients over and over again trying to get the right dough consistency.
“It’s not as scary as you think,” he assured me, “but, we can talk about it if you want. I’ll even break out the good scotch from the top shelf.”
“I’ll take you up on that. Let me just pop this into the fridge to set for a bit,” I replied as I pulled the aluminum foil out of a drawer. I cut a piece to fit the bowl, tucking it around the bowl’s edge before returning the rest of the foil to the drawer and popping the bowl in the fridge. My dad grabbed two glasses from the dish cabinet and the scotch from its place on the special occasion shelf. That was the shelf where we kept the fancy booze and the serving trays reserved for company. It’s also the highest shelf because I couldn’t reach it as a kid and I had a habit of breaking things on accident.
I set a timer for 35 minutes and walked around the counter to our designated dining room space. It was basically an eat-in kitchen, but since the dining room table wasn’t actually in the dining room, my mom would get mad at us for calling it that. I plopped down into a chair, taking a glass from my dad. He sat across from me, passing me the bottle of scotch after he had poured himself a drink. I only poured myself a small amount, just enough to get me through this conversation.
“So, what are you stressed about?” my dad asked in that way that parents ask their children questions even though they know the answer will be a silly one.
“I’ll be in a new city. Alone,” I sighed.
“You were at college. Alone,” my dad responded, taking a sip of his drink.
“Yeah, but that was different. College isn’t real life. College is like fake real life. It’s like a weird in-between step between adolescence and adulthood where you’re not quite a full adult, but you also can’t get away with the things you got away with as a kid either. It’s like going from a tricycle to a bicycle with training wheels,” I explained. My dad just chuckled.
“Ella, you have to take the training wheels off at some point. Sure, it’ll be a little hard to get your balance at first, but then you’ll be fine,” he said, patting my hand. I took a sip of my scotch. It burned my throat a little. I’m not sure if I actually like scotch.
“Dad,” I continued, “what if I fail?”
“You’re not going to fail. Besides, even if you do, although it’s highly improbable, you know you can always come back home. You know you’ll always have a room here.” See? I knew he wouldn’t let mom turn my room into a guest room.
“I guess you’re right,” I sighed.
“Is there anything else that’s bothering you?” he asked.
“Aside from the fact that I have too much shit?” I countered.
“Well, if you went through your stuff all those times your mother told you to back when you were younger, this wouldn’t be as hard,” he teased.
“Yeah, yeah,” I waved him off. My timer on my phone went off, so I downed the rest of my scotch and went back into the kitchen. I pulled my bowl of dough out of the fridge and started to finish my cookies so that they could be baked.
“Ella?”
“Yes?”
“I know you’re worried about your future and failing, but that’s a normal feeling. You’ve always done well, so I know you’ll do fine in New York. Don’t stress out about it too much,” he told me before placing our glasses in the sink and returning the scotch to the top shelf.
“I’ll try not to.” My dad kissed my forehead as I continued shaping my cookies.
“Do or do not, there is no try,” he said and winked at me before leaving the room. I used up all the dough and popped the baking tray into the oven, setting another timer for 15 minutes. I cleaned up all the things I had used and put them back. I used to not always do that when I was younger, and my mom would read me the riot act for it. I’ve since learned that if I can’t clean as I go while baking, that I should at least clean up everything afterwards to avoid her wrath.
I rapped my knuckles against the counter, trying to think of something to do while I waited for my cookies to bake. The kitchen was already starting to smell like cinnamon. It reminded me of the holidays. I looked over and saw my cat slinking out from the living room, stretching like he just woke up from a nap. I smirked as I slowly tiptoed over to where he was near the table before I pounced. I picked him up in my arms, rocking him back and forth as he tried to push off me.
“Hey, Mac, is that any way to treat the person who loves you,” I asked as I gently placed him down on his cat tree. He looked up at me with an indignant glare, but I just scratched his black fur behind his ear. He started purring and kneading his tree.
We’ve had Mac for years, so I can play him like a fiddle. Mac’s short for Macbeth. We were reading it while I was in high school when we adopted him. Dad worked in a theatre, though, and saying Macbeth is considered unlucky, so we shortened it to Mac. I’ve seen him high on catnip, though, so I can confirm that he is just as ruthless when he wants something as the Shakespearean character. I’ve got the scars to prove it. I know he didn’t mean it, though. You can’t hold a cat accountable for his actions when he’s high on catnip.
“Are you going to miss me, buddy?” I asked as I kneeled down to be eye level with him. I tilted my head forward and he bumped his forehead against mine. I read somewhere that that is the equivalent of a cat kiss. Or at least, I like to think it is.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” I smiled, “I’ll miss you too. I’ll even miss having to constantly buy lint rollers to get your fur off my clothes.” He always had a way of sitting on my white shirts, which wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that he’s a black cat that sheds a lot. Mac looked up at me and blinked. It was almost as if he knew I had kind of insulted him, but also, he’s a cat.
I went back into the kitchen to check my cookies. My timer hadn’t even gone off yet, but I had made them smaller than normal so they were already done. I pulled them out of the oven and left them on the counter to cool. Although, I couldn’t help picking one up and eating it. I had to make sure they came out okay, after all. It burned a little bit, but it tasted amazing. I shot a thumbs up at Mac and went back up to my room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With a bit of energy, I started packing again. I was getting into the zone, which is hard to do when you’re packing. It’s almost like when you’re trying to clean your room, but keep getting distracted by all the cool stuff you forgot you had accumulated over the years. That’s what packings like, except it’s worse, because they you have to evaluate whether or not that item is worth keeping, whereas with cleaning you just have to find another drawer to shove it into and forget about it until the next time you clean. I went on this way for quite some time until a knock at the door pulled me from my task.
I smiled, knowing the familiar sound of the Shave and a Haircut rhythm as the calling card of my grandpa. He had always used that knock since he moved in with us when I was a kid.
“Come in, Gramps,” I called out as I finished taping up the box I had just filled.
“How’s the packing going, sweet pea?” He asked as he peeked his head around the door. His slippers finally passed through the doorway. He was in his flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, probably just coming back from a trip out to the river to read. He entered and handed me a hot cup of tea, “I figured you could use a pick-me-up.”
“Thanks,” I replied as I took the mug from him and sat down on my bed, “and it’s going pretty good. I’ll hopefully be done by the end of the week. I guess I overestimated how much time it would take to pack things up since I don’t leave for New York until two weeks from Saturday.”
“Well, that works out perfectly!” he beamed as he sat down on the bed next to me.
I crinkled my nose in confusion, “Perfectly for what?”
“For your trip!”
“Grandpa, I’m not taking a trip,” I told him slowly. I know people can become a little forgetful when they get older, but I had hoped we had a few more years before Gramps started going senile. I guess I was wrong.
“Don’t speak to me like I’ve got Alzheimer’s. I know what I’m saying kiddo,” he said as he patted my leg.
Alright, I’ll admit I was intrigued. I decided to bite. “I don’t understand, Gramps. What trip?”
I watched as he reached into the front pocket of his flannel shirt and produced a folded envelope. He handed it to me with a cat-ate-the-canary grin. “This trip.”
I took the envelope from his hands, skeptically looking over at him as I opened it. He definitely looked proud of himself. As I looked down and pulled out the printed sheet of paper, I knew why. It was the confirmation information for a two-week cruise.
I gasped, “Grandpa, you didn’t! But why? And more importantly, how? You don’t even know how to work a laptop when you want to find the stores for your hobby models.”
He shrugged, “I just figured that while most people take breaks and go places during the school year or during the summer, you never did that. A vacation is long overdue. Plus, you should start your new job feeling refreshed and rearing to go. You can’t give ‘em hell if you feel like hell.” Then he smiled at me, “as far as the actual logistics behind how I got the ticket, I had your dad look it up.”
I smiled at the prospect of another family vacation. It had been years since we had all done something together. “This will be so much fun! How are we splitting up the cabins?”
“There’s no need to split up anything when it’s just you.”
I paused, looking down at the confirmation paper in my hand. It just had me listed as a passenger. “You guys aren’t going?”
“Not this time. It’s time you did something for yourself and have your own adventures. You know, get some stories to talk about at the water bubbler during breaks,” he smiled, “and on a two-week trip around the Caribbean, that should be no problem. Your dad even helped me find a ship that has studio cabins, so you’ll have it all to yourself. You even get access to a special lounge for other solo travelers. Knowing you, you’ll easily make friends with some of them.”
I was in shock. “Gramps, I don’t know what to say. Thank you!” I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a big hug.
I felt him pat my back as he hugged me, “We’re so proud of you. You deserve a break, sweet pea. It’s long overdue.”
I pulled back and put the ticket on my nightstand so that it wouldn’t get lost in the mess of my packing.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to it,” he sighed as he pushed himself up off the bed. He reached the door and turned back to me, “Oh, and your Ma wanted me to tell you that dinner should be ready by five.”
I nodded to him and he left. I scooted myself back so I could lean against my headboard. I took a sip of my tea and surveyed the room before letting out a sigh. It looked so bare. If I closed my eyes, I could see myself as a teen struggling through some mundane high school drama or as a small child in the corner of the room playing with my old dollhouse. Where had the time gone? Sure, I was antsy to move out and start living my life, but I felt like I was a tight-rope walker who had been taught enough that I would be expected to do the tricks without a safety net now. What would happen if I fell? I shook my head and took another sip of tea before placing the mug on the table next to my ticket. I couldn’t help but smile as I looked at the slip of paper. That was enough motivation to finish packing in a record time if I kept up this pace. I turned back to my room, sliding off my bed and picking up another box. I assembled it, taping up the edges before placing more of my memories inside it. I pulled out the marker and labeled it “NYC.” My movements were almost mechanistic as the time ticked on until it was time for dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I slid into my chair at the table after setting the table for my mom. I didn’t set the table that often, but knowing I would be leaving home in a couple weeks made me want to try to help out more. Part of me knew that I would miss them like crazy, which is silly considering I had just spent the past couple years apart from them at school. Moving away was basically the same thing, but it just felt different. I figured that I should try to memorize everything about my parents, even the small things. Those are the things we usually forget about people. I didn’t want to do that.
My mom placed the Dutch oven on a pot holder and lifted the lid. We were having stew that night, which for most people would be considered too hot to eat in the middle of May, but it had been a chilly, rainy spring day. In other words, it was the perfect day for a nice warm stew. I’d also like to take this moment point out that there is a difference between soup and stew. Soup is for cold, snowy days in winter, or for when you’re sick. Stew is for those wet and rainy days in spring and fall. You know the days, they’re the days where it’s not quite freezing outside, but it’s cold enough that if you stayed out long enough, a chill would probably settle deep into your bones. They’re the days where I like to watch the raindrops slide down the window from my spot on the couch where I’m wrapped up in a blanket, sipping tea, and reading a book. In fact, that was my plan for what I was going to do after dinner was over, but I still had to get through my meal first.
I dipped my spoon into my stew and lifted it to my mouth, but I put it back down before I could even take a bite. Everyone was looking at me expectantly.
“What?” I asked, bewildered.
“Are you excited?” My mom beamed at me as she tucked her brown hair behind her ear. It was beginning to fall out of her hairclip. She always put it up when she was cooking.
“Yeah, it’ll be nice to get away and relax before jumping into my new job,” I nodded. If I were to be honest, I still hadn’t given it much thought after the initial excitement had worn off. I was too overwhelmed by packing everything. That isn’t to say that I was ungrateful for the gift. I had just forgot about it for a little bit.
“I would love to go on a cruise, but you know how I get on boats,” my mom sighed.
“Oh, I know,” I said as I went to go pick up my spoon again. She gets very seasick. The last time we went on a boat trip together, she refused to go above deck. Apparently the seasickness gets worse if she actually looks at the water moving.
“Have you thought about what you wanted to do on the trip? The cruise has quite a bit of shore excursions you can sign up for. I can show you the website after dinner,” my dad chimed in. He carefully took his glasses off before he started to eat. Even with just having the bowl sitting near him, it was hot enough to fog up his glasses. I smiled at the small gesture.
“I hadn’t even thought of that,” I admitted. I had been too busy packing up my life and thinking about how much I was going to miss my parents that I didn’t even think about the things I would be doing on the cruise.
“They have all sorts of things at each port. You can still get off the ship even if you aren’t going on an excursion though,” my dad informed me.
“Tell her about the manatees, John,” my grandpa told him.
“MANATEES?” I exclaimed. Manatees are one of my favorite animals. A lot of people thought that was weird growing up, because basically they’re just knock-off mermaids, but I always thought they were cute. They’re these big sea cows and I am so happy that they are no longer as endangered as they once were.
“Oh, yeah. Your grandpa and I were looking at that. It’s one of the excursions in Florida, you can go swim with the manatees,” my dad nodded as he took another bit of his stew.
I couldn’t help it, I squealed. “Sign me up!”
“I have to tell you, though. There’s a catch to this cruise,” my mother told me as she wiped her mouth with a napkin. I sighed. There’s always a catch.
“What is it?” I asked, feeling a bit deflated. I probably had to host holidays at my new apartment for the next ten years or something like that.
My mom got up from her chair and went over to the closet. She came back with a little gift bag and handed it to me. Ignoring the inner child in me that wanted to tear through the tissue paper, I gently removed it and took a peek inside. Sitting in the bag were two books. I pulled them out and put the bag on the floor so I could take a closer look at them.
“A photo album and a journal?” I asked, tilting my head as I looked them over. They were pretty cute. The journal had the phrase “adventure is out there” written over a picture of the globe. I could dig it. The photo album was fairly plain in comparison, with only a leather spine and a navy cover.
“I want you to document your adventures. You start work soon, and I know how you throw yourself into your work. I figured that if you ever get super stressed, you can pull this out and remember a time where you weren’t,” my mom shrugged. It was a thoughtful gesture.
“Do I have to take the photo album with me on the cruise, or would it be okay with you if I just packed it for New York and put it together afterwards?” I asked. I wouldn’t have a use for it while on the boat since I wouldn’t be getting the pictures developed until later anyways.
My mom tapped her chin in thought before rolling her eyes, “I guess that would be okay.” She smiled at me before looking over at my dad and grandpa, “Does anyone want seconds? Or do you just want desert?”
“Helen, I know I didn’t raise you, but I think that I’ve lived with you and John long enough that you should know the answer to that question by now,” Gramps said, giving her a look.
“Alright, Dad, I’ll go get the cookies that Ella made earlier,” my mom nodded.
“Is Mom’s stew not good enough for ya, Gramps?” I teased.
“No, it was really good, but I want to sample some of my granddaughter’s baking before she moves away and I don’t get to have them for a while,” he laughed.
“Nice save,” I said, gently elbowing him. I was going to miss this. The witty banter and jokes. All I’d have to look forward to at home in New York would be streaming websites to watch movies on after work. Maybe I’d get a pet. I’d always wanted a rabbit.
My mom returned with a plate of my cookies and placed them on the table. Everyone seemed to enjoy them. To be fair, they were really good. They basically melted in your mouth, but left you with a nostalgic after taste. Maybe I was just biased because I made them and snickerdoodles were my favorite cookie, but I thought they were great.
“How’s the packing going?” Gramps asked.
“Well enough. I should be finished in a day or two,” I said after giving it a quick thought.
“That’s good. Don’t forget to start packing for your cruise now, too. You don’t want to pack all your clothes just to have to unpack them to pack for your cruise,” my mom pointed out. She made a good point.
“I’ll start that tomorrow. Can we look at the shore excursions?” I asked my dad.
“Sure, let me just bring up the website,” my dad said as he went into the other room and came back with his laptop.
We spent an hour or two looking over the different shore excursions as well as what was offered to tourists at the various destinations that the cruise ship didn’t have as an excursion and it helped me narrow down what I wanted to do a lot. The manatees were a must, and there were some other cool excursions to beaches and historical sites that I decided to add onto my trip as well. It was shaping up to be really cool.
Eventually, I started to get tired and said goodnight to my family before heading back up to my room. I had to move some boxes around, dropping my new photo album into one of the ones labeled “NYC.” Then, I pulled out the travel journal my mom had given me. I knew I technically wasn’t on my trip yet, but I felt as though finding out about it really marked the start of my trip, and that was just as important as the stuff that I did on the ship as well. I changed into my pajamas, and crawled into bed. I turned on the light on my nightstand and decided to write my first entry.
May 20th
Today my mom gave me this journal so that I could chronicle my adventures at sea. She wants me to be able to look back on them whenever I get stressed from work. It’s a pretty good idea, so I decided to do it. I’m not currently on the cruise. The cruise sets sail this Saturday, but I decided to document the events that led up to my journey as well as the actual journey itself, because I think they’re important. Plus, it’s been a while since I journaled and I forgot how cathartic it is. I really should get back into it, especially with how stressed I’ll probably be at my new job. I can’t constantly stress bake a batch of cookies. If I did, then at the rate that I’ll be baking I might as well just give up my dream of being a lawyer and just open up my own bakery. It’s either that or end up as a contestant on the biggest loser from all the cookies I’ll have eaten. Is that show even still on? Who knows. I’m not even really stressed about the job. I’m more so just stressed that I’ll mess up and end up having to move back home. That would be so embarrassing, not to mention my parents will probably be pretty disappointed. They would never say that to my face, though. I really just want them to be proud of me. That’s part of the reason I became a lawyer. It was something that they could brag about to their friends and coworkers. I mean, sure, I love the law, but I love seeing my parents happy more. Wow, this got deep for a journal entry about receiving a cruise ticket from my Grandpa. Dear old Gramps… my mom always used to say that my dad was my favorite family member whenever she and I used to go at it during my teenage years, but it’s really my Grandpa. He’s my hero. Not just because he bought me those tickets. That’s just the kind of stuff he does, though. He just wants to make his family happy. I can’t wait to go on this cruise! I just have to start packing tomorrow.
WHAT TO PACK:
-bathing suit (Duh)
-Flip flops (best shoe known to man)
-cocktail dress(es?)
-heels to go with the dress (beauty is pain)
-Those strappy wedges I bought a couple years back
-Tank tops
-Flowy shirts
-Bottoms
-Maybe a light button down
-Sundresses?
-Sneakers (For exploring)
-Sunscreen
-Umbrella (Be prepared)
-Sweater
-Jacket
-Toiletries (INCLUDING TOOTHBRUSH. No repeats of freshmen orientation)
-Underwear, bras, socks
-Pajamas
-Floppy sunhat. (It’s the Bahamas. Everyone needs a floppy sunhat)
-THIS JOURNAL
I’m definitely going to need to use the big suitcase…
-E
My days passed by in a blur until it was the day to leave for New York. My parents had offered to drive me to the docks so I wouldn’t have to worry about what to do with my car while I was gone. I really appreciated it. The plan was to move my things into my apartment, unpack enough that it’s functional for when I come back, spend the night and then drive to the ship in the morning. My parents were packing an air mattress so they could crash on the floor of my living room for the night. I was currently driving my car down the highway into New York, singing along to the music I listen to when no one’s around while my parents followed closely behind in their car. I was kind of shocked that most of my things fit into our two cars, but it helped that I was able to buy most of my furniture online and have it delivered later once we arrived. If it did get there before we do, then my landlord said he’d let them into my apartment. My bases were covered.
It was that confident feeling of having everything in place for once that made me crank up the volume on my radio. I could feel the bass course through my veins as I held onto the steering wheel. I have a weird obsession with early 2000s punk music and movie soundtracks. Really, my music taste is all over the place and there’s no in between. I was almost driving as fast as the beat of the song when we hit the infamous New York traffic. If I wanted to listen to something that went as slow as I did once we hit that, I’d probably listen to Largo, but who wants that? I opened my window and leaned my arm against the door. At least it was nice out. It was sunny and warm, but not hot. There was a nice cross breeze. I went to breathe in deeply, thinking it would be like the nice ocean breeze from back home. I was wrong. It smelled like sewer and pollution. I don’t think I could close my window fast enough. When I had gone apartment hunting, I had taken the train and almost went directly to Queens, so I hadn’t experienced the rich aroma of the part of the city I was currently trapped in. Then again, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for this moment. I felt like a tourist in this city that was going to be my new home. I looked at the estimated time of arrival on my phone’s GPS. Apparently we were only a couple of blocks away, yet it would take us another thirty minutes to get there at this rate and with the way the city is laid out. I just hoped my parents were doing okay in their car. My dad wasn’t exactly the most patient driver.
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Eventually we made it to my apartment building on 37th avenue in Murray Hill, Queens. I parked my car on the side of the street before getting out to stretch. It wasn’t like I had been in the car for a super long time, but it had been long enough to cause some discomfort. My parents pulled up behind me shortly after. They got out and looked around the courtyard that marked the entrance.
“Not bad,” my mom nodded.
“For New York,” my dad added, “remember, there’s no shame in moving back home.”
“John! Be nice,” my mother hissed.
“I am, Helen. Ella knows I’m just kidding,” he said defensively.
I rolled my eyes and popped the trunk of my car to grab a box. “I don’t think my furniture is here yet, but I figured we could take a box or two in on the first trip and check,” I told them.
“Alright, honey. Just tell us where you want things to go when we get in,” my mom said.
I balanced my box on my hip as I shut my trunk before heading to the building. The landlord had given me the keys when I signed my lease last month, so I dug them out of my purse and opened the door for my parents.
“It’s not a penthouse suite, but I like it,” I shrugged as we walked through the front door. I put my box down against the wall and turned to see my parents’ reaction. My dad was looking around and nodding appreciatively, while my mother was craning her neck to see into the different doorways.
“As you can see, it’s fairly spacious for New York. I know you both thought I would be living in a broom closet under a set of stairs. This is the living room and possible dining room if I ever feel like buying a table. The kitchen is the first door to the right, the door straight ahead is my bedroom, and the bathroom is the second door on the right,” I explained as I pointed out the appropriate doorways.
“It’s cute,” my mom said. She then went to go put the box she was carrying into the kitchen.
“Well, I went through and labeled all the boxes with their appropriate room destinations. Go team!” I laughed as I went back out to my car to get some more boxes. On my way back, the men with my furniture showed up and started unloading their cargo. My dad took over directing them while my mom started unpacking my kitchen items for me. It kind of reminded me of when I first moved into college. All of my roommates had taken hours to unpack their things, but it had taken me two hours with the help of my parents. I had the same expectations for today’s move. We Manchesters know how to get things done efficiently and we work together really well. That’s probably something that I’ll miss the most when my parents go home. I couldn’t help the small nostalgic smile that crept across my face as I placed the box I was carrying in the bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took about five hours to get the furniture in place and put back together. While my dad worked on putting things together, my mom and I unpacked the various rooms. I finished unpacking my closet and went to check in on my mom in the kitchen.
“How are thing’s going?” I asked. My mom closed the cabinet she just finished filling and broke down a card board box.
“Well, your kitchen is set up. Your father is currently testing out the couch to make sure it was put together properly when he should be unpacking your living room boxes,” she smirked.
“To be fair, Mom, he did help put together a lot of furniture. He can take a break. I can unpack my movies and books,” I told her as I walked towards the boxes next to the entertainment center.
“How’s your bedroom looking?” my dad asked from the couch.
“Pretty good. I have the sheets on my bed, my clothes are away. The only thing I have left to do is hang up some art, but my arms didn’t feel like going above my shoulders anymore, so I figured I’d come out here. At least I can sit on the floor to unpack this,” I smiled.
“If I’m being honest, I was a little worried about what your apartment was going to look like since you refused to show us photos, but it looks great. With all your stuff in here it feels really home-y,” he replied,
“As home-y as you can get without actually being home,” my mom added as she sat down next to my dad.
“So, I was thinking pizza for dinner?” my dad offered.
“Sounds good. There’s a pizza parlor down the street. Do you guys want to eat there or do you want to order in and watch a movie?” I asked.
“We can order in. It’ll be our last meal together for a while. I’d rather spend it together in your new home. We should set up the air mattress soon, though. Just in case the walls are thin. I’d rather not blow it up in the middle of the night and risk irritating your neighbors,” my mom reasoned.
I nodded in response, unpacking the last of my box. I walked into my room to retrieve my phone from my bed. I ordered us a large pizza and a regular salad. Then, I grabbed the air mattress from my closet and dragged it out into my living room.
“I don’t think I have the sheets that fit this, so you might just have to sleep with a comforter,” I told my parents as I set it up.
“That’s okay. Your father is essentially a human heater, anyway. I don’t need anything that will make me more hot when I’m trying to sleep,” my mom chuckled.
“What movie do you guys want to watch?” I asked, thumbing through my options.
“Pick a classic one that we all like,” my mom replied. I smiled, slowly pulling out Kiki’s Delivery Service from my collection. We always watched this movie when I was a kid. Somehow it always made me feel better no matter how bad of a day I had had. It seemed fitting to watch it together now.
“Oh, that’s my favorite!” My mom smiled.
Eventually, dinner arrived and we settled in to watch the movie. Afterwards, we all got ready for bed. It had been a long day, but I still wanted to write something in my travel journal before sleep claimed me.
Dear Journal,
Today was the day of the big move. It didn’t seem as big once I got home. I think it took us about six hours to get everything into my little apartment. It’s hard to believe that this will be the last time my parents and I are under the same roof for a while. It’s also hard to believe that this is my own apartment! I feel like such an adult. Although, saying that you feel like an adult makes you seem like not actually an adult. It’s crazy to think that my trip is tomorrow. I honestly don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m excited for all the new adventures I’m embarking on, but I’m also sad for the things I’m leaving behind. I just have to keep telling myself that when one chapter ends, another begins, and that a chapter ending does not necessarily mean a bad thing. Sure, this is a major life change, and sure this feels like taking the training wheels off of a bike and then immediately getting pushed down a hill… wait, where was I going with this? It’s been a long day, journal. Don’t judge me. I should go to bed now since we have to get up kind of early. The dock isn’t too far from here, but New York traffic is notorious, and my parents want to get breakfast before we leave at this little café across the street. The next time we talk I’ll be on a ship heading into the great unknown… well, not really unknown. We have an itinerary, but, you know what I mean, don’t you? See you tomorrow!
-E
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I am a v big fan of new year’s resolutions. I genuinely feel a sense of renewed energy/optimism as a year ends and a new one starts. I tend to make a load of resolutions, but be very chill with not achieving them completely/letting some fall by the wayside. But I do also try and keep them in my mind throughout the year (my 2020 resolutions were stuck on my wardrobe). This year I think I might do a reflection at the end of each month on tumblr to try and keep me on track.
1. Learn (some) Yoruba - both my parents are Yoruba, but for various reasons I never learnt the language growing up. No progress on this one, but I’m waiting for a specific course to open up, because I know expecting myself to do learn on my own schedule is unrealistic.
2. Do a Park Run - I’ve completed couch to 5k (running for half an hour), but I still haven’t actually run a 5k and I think I just need to make myself aim for that distance. Park runs aren’t on at the moment and even if they were I wouldn’t go for it atm. I just haven’t really had the energy to do much running this month/I’ve gone v slowly. My last half an hour run came in at 3.71km.
3. Read every day in January - (with the aim of kickstarting consistent reading throughout the year). I’ve been really good at this one! Apart from days where I had a migraine and just one day when I couldn’t be bothered, I have read every day. Currently reading Kindred by Octavia E Butler and it’s the first book this year that’s properly gripped me. I’ll probably aim to read every day in Feb.
4. Write three things in my gratitude journal every day in January - I have managed to write at least one thing every day (or more recently made a note on my phone), which given how rough I’ve felt at some points during this month, is good enough for me. Tbh I’m not really feeling this one atm, but I’m going to stick with it, because I think it does have benefits.
5. Dealing with people at work one (give people the benefit of the doubt, think about the long term goal rather than short term reactivity when someone annoys me etc). I think I’m doing a medium amount at one? I’ve done a better job at accepting that the nature of my job means that sometimes people won’t follow instructions/things will go wrong and I just need to let it go. But I think it could be embedded more. (Writing this out makes me realise that it’s a fairly basic skill to develop, but I am still pretty early on in my #career).
6. Be more honest/vulnerable with people. I had one conversation that I was particularly happy with and in general I think I am doing a good job at this one.
7. Finish that short story. I have done zero writing this month, but it’s definitely been a ‘I’ve spent at least 50% of the time just trying to keep my head above water’ month, so I’m cool with that. Really hope I do some writing in Feb though.
8. Don’t date until July. Tbh given the whole pandemic and me not wanting to virtually date, this one has been pretty easy. But the real point of this is I want to spend some time working through some of my shit around intimacy, which I think I’ve kind of done as a ‘background’ mental task, but not in the concentrated way I want to.
9. Do more history stuff - I still really miss the way history was such a big part of my life when I was studying it. (I also volunteered for 18 months for a Black British history project when I finished uni, but had to stop because I kind of burnt out). I want to record oral history interviews with my mum and read more history books. Haven’t done either yet.
Most on track? 3, 6
Get rid of any? Nope, only January
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10 Questions Tag!
Thanks @yourstudyfriend for tagging me!
1. Do you like videogames? What is/has been your favourite?
I don’t think i’d consider myself a video game person per se, but i build in the sims 4 nearly everyday. I got the game about one and a half years ago and i’ve loved making houses with it (gameplay has never really interested me so I never played the sims before the sims 4). Growing up I was a large super mario fan for the gameboy advanced!
2. What album is your all time favourite? Why do you recommend it?
Ok i’m stuck between Love and Compromise by Mahalia and Sun and Moon by Sam Kim. They are two very different albums in my opinion but they both take me on a journey every time I listen. Sun and Moon puts me in a relaxed, happy mood while Love and Compromise puts me in a reminiscing mind frame, taking me through a lot of different emotions. Highly recommend both artists!
3. Who are your favourite Youtubers?
Loving the sims I watch A LOT of speed builds (read: everyday lol). Some of my favorite builders are Marmelad, Mr. Olkan, Bear and Bun and XFreezerbunnyX. I also tend to watch a decent amount of Markiplier. Lastly, I just discovered Kelly Stamps not too long ago, and I really love her personality and sense of humor!
4. What type of art is your favourite - music, visual (fine arts, sculptures, design etc.), drama or literature?
The fist thing that came to my mind was music because I’m listening to something all the time, but i really am a huge museum person, courtesy of my mother. My mom always took me to all the museums in a city when we traveled, art and science. I definitely love a trip to an art museum though music may just nudge it out especially during this pandemic where I have heavily relied on music to keep me sane.
5. Do you keep a journal? What about a planner?
I keep a bullet journal as a planner! I’ve tried to keep a separate journal as a sort of diary/daily journal, but I’m not very consistent with it.
6. Do you like to dance? In your room, or in public places? What’s the best song to dance to in your opinion?
I do like to dance! I took dance classes for about 13 years, but I mainly dance in my home now. I don’t know if I have a go to song but the greatest showman soundtrack always gets me moving lately.
7. Which Disney princess are you?
So I went and took a quiz (https://ohmy.disney.com/quiz/2014/06/25/quiz-which-disney-princess-are-you/) and I got Mulan, which I can totally see but also I felt very connected to Moana when I saw the movie but I think they have a lot of similar personality traits.
8. What mundane aspect of life do you enjoy more than others?
I really enjoy shopping. Not like to the mall but like going out to get groceries, batteries and other home supplies. I make a whole day out of it normally and I can spend hours going store to store getting everything I need.
9. Do you like celebrating your birthday? Why/Why not? And if you do, what was your best birthday so far?
I think this is the first birthday that I am not excited for. I’m starting to feel kind of old and it scares me a bit to realize that life is flying right on by me. My favorite birthday so far would either be my 16th or my 21st. For my 16th, my mom took my friends and I to Cedar Point (which I was obsessed with lol) and for my 21st my friends and I went out to a cool rooftop restaurant and then went out to a sushi bar that sold some pretty cool drinks.
10. What’s your favourite type of bird?
I love penguins! They are always my favorite part of the zoo. My zoo actually opened up about a month ago by appointment and I decided to go. I learned once I got there that unfortunately since the penguin enclosure is in doors, they were off limits. My fav penguin is the Galapagos Penguin!
Here are my questions to you guys!
1. If you could go anywhere right now for 24 hours, where would yo go?
2. What is your favorite podcast?
3. What is the best book you have ever read?
4. Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner?
5. What piece of media (book, movie, tv, etc.) shaped your personality most?
6. Do you prefer bullet journaling or traditional planners?
7. What is your favorite color to wear?
8. Do you visit museums when you travel? If you do, what has been your favorite?
9. What is your go to song to raise your mood?
10. Do you collect anything? If you do, what excites you about collecting your item?
I tag: @paper-gir1 @patriotstudies @relaxandstudy and @leilanistudies
#10 questions tag#rhearambles#BNIstudies#studyblr#bujoblr#graduate school#graduate#grad school#grad student
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